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averywiseanimatedcat · 1 year ago

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“I loved him”

Word count: 2820

Rating: G

Summary: Post S2. Aziraphale is getting worried because he hasn’t been able to locate Crowley ever since their fight. He comes back to the bookshop to pick up some reading material. He ends up having an unexpected heart to heart with Maggie.

Tags: Angst. Angst again. Maggie and Aziraphale friendship. Confessions.

Author notes: If you’re on TikTok you might have heard the audio from Einstein and Eddington being used in Aziracrow edits. YouTube clip bellow if you haven’t heard it yet. I always see I being used as if Crowley were saying it, but what I’d Aziraphale did? That’s this one shot. If I have to live with that idea then you do to.

youtube

“Mr Fell!”

A voice called out, Aziraphale startled and dropped the keys to his bookshop onto the steps. He looked around, Maggie was trotting down the sidewalk towards him.

“Maggie my dear…”

He said as she reached him.

“Mr Fell! Gosh it’s been ages. We were beginning to think you’d sold the bookshop and left?”

She said breathlessly. Aziraphale smiled politely, bending down to pick up his keys.

“Oh no, still very much the owner of this bookshop.”

Aziraphale said, his eyes darting around the street behind her. He hoped that no one else had spotted him. He didn’t really want to get dragged into to many pleasantries. He wasn’t suppose to be down here for too long, but he’d lied and said he needed a couple of books from his shop. Really he was just desperate for something to read that wasn’t a memo. He also wanted to poke around and see if he could find any sign of Crowley, and Maggie might be able to help him with that.

“Oh I’m glad, I’d be devastated if we lost you as a landlord.”

Maggie replied brightly. Aziraphale brushed past the compliment and asked

“Would you like to come in?”

“Oh…I’m not intruding am I?”

She said, blinking at him

“Not at all dear.”

The angel unlocked the door and stepped inside. He knew returning to the bookshop might be upsetting, but he wasn’t quite prepared for the heaviness that fell onto his shoulders as he crossed the threshold. The bookshop still looked exactly how it did that day, not a single thing had been moved. The smell of ancient pages and dust swept through his lungs as he inhaled, bringing with it a wave of memories that stung like alcohol down the throat. A terrible, sinking feeling pressed on his chest uncomfortably.

He looked down at his feet. The rug by the front door was still creased a little where the demons boots had wrinkled it when he’d stormed out a few weeks prior. Aziraphale always had to adjust things in the shop whenever Crowley had been around. The demon had a rather unconcerned way of moving through space that resulted in things being knocked out of place all the time. He had the compulsion to straighten the rug, but couldn’t quite bring himself to do it.

“Where’s that girl who’s always here now?”

Maggie asked, startling the angel. He’d completely forgotten she was there.

“Oh, Muriel? She’s…well, at head office. Tea?”

Aziraphale said, pulling himself together and gesturing for Maggie to take a seat on the couch. He’d purposefully come down when he knew Muriel would be up in Heaven for her monthly debriefing. She was charming, but he really wasn’t in the mood for a creature so bright and bubbly right now.

“Oh yes…tea would be lovely.”

Maggie replied, smiling politely as she sat down. Aziraphale attempted to smile back and disappeared into the back room to miracle some tea. Maggie was eyeing the various things strewn on Azirpaphales desk when he returned with the tray and teacups. He handed her one full of piping hot tea and took a seat in his arm chair next to his desk. He avoided looking over where his dairy sat atop a stack of books he’d been organising the day before he’d left. He knew exactly what was in the last pages he’d filled out, and he didn’t want to read them.

“So, Nina and I haven’t seen you or Mr Crowley for weeks? Did you go away on holiday or something?”

Maggie asked. The mention of Crowleys name sent a solid something clanging into the angels stomach somewhere near his navel. The answer to his unasked question of if she’d seen the demon was having a similar effect.

“No…I uh….started a new job.”

He said vaguely, sipping on his tea to cover up his disappointment.

“Oh? What’s the job?”

She asked

“Um, management I guess you could call it.”

Azirphale replied, his eyes kept wandering around the desk and out the window. His enthusiasm for this interaction had left quite suddenly.

“Oh. That’s exciting. I guess it must be very important for you to leave your bookshop.

Maggie said

“Oh yes, very important.”

Aziraphale replied distractedly, now acutely aware of Crowleys wide brimmed hat from the 1940’s on the coat hanger only metres from him. He hardly noticed when Maggie fell silent for a long moment.

“Forgive me if I’m overstepping….but you seem a little…distracted Mr Fell. Not yourself I mean. Is everything alright?”

Aziraphales eyes darted over to meet hers. The genuine concern in them touched the angel, bless her heart, he thought, a human worried about an angel.

“Oh yes. Just fine, I think I’m just a little tired. Not used to so much responsibility.”

He cobbled together, but even he knew he sounded unconvincing.

“Right…so how come that funny girl is looking after your bookshop and not Mr Crowley? I haven’t seen him for ages either.”

Maggie’s eyes were searching Aziraphales in a calculated, but kind way.

“Yes I was going to ask you about that….has no one seen him?”

He was trying very hard to sound casual. But the question came out in a strained, high pitch kind of way. Maggie’s eyes narrowed

“No….he hasn’t been back here, not that Nina or I have seen. Why?”

Maggies eyes darkened with confusion.

“Oh no reason.”

He replied quickly. There was a pause before Maggie asked

“Do you like your new job?”

Aziraphale had to think quite hard about how to answer this.

“I think the more appropriate question would be, do I think I’m making a difference? And yes I think I am.”

Aziraphales attempt to steer the conversation away from his feelings failed miserably, because Maggie put her cup down quite pointedly and sat forward onto the edge of her seat before saying

“Ok…I’m going to stop beating around the bush. I know somethings wrong. The last thing Nina saw was Mr Crowley storming out of your bookshop and you going off with a strange man. There’s a weird girl who thinks she’s a police officer in charge of your shop. Then after a month you turn up here alone. I come and say hello and you looked at me like I’d just murdered your mother. You’re still looking at me like that actually. What’s going on Mr Fell?”

Aziraphale hid his expression behind a sip of tea

“Nothing.”

He lied

“Mr Fell please be honest with me….I…Well Nina and I, we came over to see Mr Crowley after all that weird stuff happened and told him he should talk to you. If you had a fight or something please tell me I’ve been wondering for weeks and I couldn’t help but feel like it might be our fault.”

She gushed

“You what?”

Aziraphale asked, blinking at her

“Oh I feel terrible….we shouldn’t have said anything it was just…we thought all you two needed was to talk and…”

She rambled

“No dear, that’s not what we fought about.”

Aziraphale interrupted, realising his admission to late

“So something did happen?

She cried

“Oh dear…”

Aziraphale said, exasperated. He lent back in his chair and sighed. Maggie shrunk back into the couch.

“I’m sorry Mr Fell, I’m being pushy. It’s not my business. We were just worried we’d done something wrong.”

Maggie explained a little more calmly. Azirpahale considered her for a bit, she was a sweet, genuine soul. She had no idea really, about the magnitude of it all.

“Well, I’ll just say that it wasn’t your or Nina’s fault.”

Aziraphale said simply.

“Ok, thank you…but that still doesn’t make me feel better because you look miserable.”

Maggie said, gesturing vaguely at him

“Thanks.”

Azirpahale replied irritably

“Sorry. I didn’t mean it like that, I mean I can tell you’re upset. Do you want to talk about it?”

She asked. Aziraphale stared down into his tea, he hadn’t said a word to anyone about what happened. He’d kept it firmly locked away somewhere deep in his chest, never daring to let anyone see even a hint of his despair. Not that anyone in Heaven would care, they’d think he was daft for being upset that a demon had left him. Good riddance they’d say, he’ll be burnt up in hellfire after the second coming anyway they’d say. Aziraphale couldn’t in a million years say what he really wanted to.

“I can’t tell anyone.”

He whispered in his teacup, partially to himself. The quiver in his own voice startled him. He’d been holding in these…thoughts for months. They’d appeared seemingly out of nowhere. At first it was just a little soft feeling like birds fluttering in his chest. Then they grew into a yawning ache. Then a desperate desire to say something, and he had been going to. Aziraphale had to admit that he’d been selfish, the ball wasn’t entirely for Maggie and Nina. The Angel had planned it all out, they’d dance, drink and laugh. Then he’d take him out to dinner or breakfast or a midnight breakfast. And he’d tell him. But that entire plan had all come crashing down the second Aziraphale opened his mouth and told Crowley about the Metatrons offer. Ever since, the words he’d been wanting to say had been unceremoniously shoved down and ignored.

Maggie was eyeing him quite intensely now.

“Why not? Can you not talk to your new work colleagues? Friends?”

She suggested

“I can’t I’d…I’d get us both into trouble.”

He explained, placing his teacup carefully up onto his desk. His fingers were shaking a little.

“Well…you can tell me? Nothings going to happen from telling me.”

She reached out and placed a reassuring touch to the angels knee. The so very human attempt at comfort felt like using one of those silly little spray bottles full of water on a house fire. But the gentleness in her voice, the silence in the bookshop and the memories all collided together and Aziraphale could hold it in no longer. They had to come out, these terrible words that had plagued his every waking thought.

“I loved him…”

A quivering sob fell from the angels mouth as he got the last word out. He didn’t even know he could make that kind of noise.

“I know.”

Maggie cooed, placing both hands on his shoulders and squeezing them gently

“I loved him so much…”

The angels lungs heaved with the weight of it all. The locked door in his chest bursting open and releasing a torrent that crashed over him like waves onto the rocky shore. He gasped for air as tears started to pour down his cheeks. Maggie stood up and pulled him into a warm embrace. He cried into her arms, letting the ocean of everything he’d held in smash into his being over and over again until he felt raw and exhausted. Maggie sat on the arm of the chair and held him tightly. She made little noises shushing noises sometimes and rubbed his back soothingly as the flood went on. Aziraphale had never been held like this before. Somehow, he felt her arms would protect him for this time where he was so open and vulnerable. Although he did wish the arms were someone else’s.

The waves calmed after sometime and Maggie let go, returning to the couch. Aziraphale felt extremely embarrassed when he regained his composure.

“Oh dear…I invited you in for tea and now I’m here blubbering like a child.”

He sniffed, producing a napkin from his pocket to dry his eyes.

“Don’t you dare apologise! We’re friends, you forgave me months of rent the least I can do is listen when you’re upset.”

Maggie insisted

“But there’s nothing you can do.”

The angel replied darkly

“Sometimes just talking helps. It’s not healthy keeping these things bottled up.”

Aziraphale thought about this for a bit, there was no harm in confiding in Maggie he thought. And maybe she was right, he might feel better after airing it all out.

“It’s just…I did this all for him, I took this job because I thought we could be together. He was suppose to come with me, I thought it was a perfect opportunity for us. But…well he didn’t agree. Then we had this big fight…now I don’t know if I’ll ever see him again.”

Aziraphale rambled, his eyes automatically wandering out to the spot on the roadside where he’d last seen the Bentley parked with Crowley waiting outside.

“Why didn’t he want to go with you?”

Maggie asked.

“It’s difficult to explain…”

Aziraphale started

“To a human?”

Maggie guessed, Aziraphale nodded

“Well, did you tell him how you felt?”

Maggie asked

“I tried to. I don’t think I did a very good job though…”

He trailed off, Maggie looked thoughtful

“Does he feel the same?”

Aziraphale opened his mouth to speak, and paused, looking down at the patterned carpet

“I don’t know if he’d call it love…he didn’t use as many words.”

Aziraphale mumbled

“But he wanted you to be together, as a couple?”

She asked, Aziraphale nodded

“Well, you still love him…and if you two have known each other as long as you said you have, then he might come back?”

She said reassuringly

“I’m not sure, he’s very angry with me”

Aziraphale said, still staring at the carpet.

“You don’t know that he is still angry. He might just be hurting, like you.”

Maggie offered

“Then why hasn’t he reached out to me? He must know I’m worried!”

Aziraphale cried, his tears threatening to make an appearance again.

“Hurt and angry people don’t usually do rational things.”

Maggie said firmly. Aziraphale was suddenly bombarded with the memory of the kiss. It all started to fall into place in his mind. Perhaps the kiss was Crowleys way of throwing all the chips onto the table in one go. It was, perhaps, an irrational act by someone who didn’t know what else to say. Crowley always was rubbish with words that had anything to do with feelings.

“Perhaps you’re right…but it’s been awful. If he hasn’t come back here then I don’t know where he would’ve gone.”

Aziraphale said

“You’re really that worried about him?”

Maggie asked, Aziraphale nodded

“He seems quite capable of looking after himself. He might he just need some time to cool off and he’ll turn up again. He seems like the hot headed type.”

Maggie suggested, but Aziraphale did not feel much better. Crowley was hot headed, and a little impulsive, any number of things could’ve happened. Crowley could’ve just gone off to Alpha Centuri without him. Or worse, something might’ve happened to him. Heaven and Hell was still no doubt displeased with their meddling. Aziraphale had rejoined the ranks but Crowley was alone down here now, a loose thread in the carefully crafted tapestry of the ineffable plan. Aziraphale shook his head to dislodge the awful thoughts that were attaching themselves to his mind. He couldn’t think like that, Crowley had kept himself alive for almost 6000 years with very little help from Aziraphale. But he’d never been completely cut off from either side alone before. He had nothing except his wiles, his Bentley and his house plants.

Maggie must’ve been reading his stricken expression, because she offered another comforting hand on his wrist this time.

“I’m sure he’s fine Mr Fell. Maybe he’s just taken a trip to clear his head.”

“I hope you’re right dear. Oh…look at that the tea is cold now.”

The angel sighed when he picked up his cup from the desk and took a sip.

“Keep the faith Mr Fell. I don’t know either of you that well, but from what I saw…it looked like you two really had something. I’m sure he wouldn’t just throw that away over one argument.”

Although her reassurances were helping less and less, Aziraphale appreciated them all the same.

“Thank you dear.”

He said, genuinely thankful as he did feel a little lighter.

“Anytime Mr Fell, if you ever need anyone to talk you, you know where I am. Now, I should let you get back to whatever it was you wanted to do before I interrupted you.”

Maggie said, draining her cold tea and standing up.

“Oh I just came back for a few books. Nothing important.”

Aziraphale brushed off, standing as well. They made their way to the door.

“Do let Muriel know if you see him? She will pass it onto me.”

Azirpahale asked. Maggie nodded with a sympathetic smile.

“Oh and Maggie…”

“Yes?”

“You arn’t going to tell anyone are you? About…”

He gestured vaguely, unsure how to describe what just happened. Maggie smiled warmly at him

“Of course not, keep it between us Mr Fell.”

Then she bid him goodbye. Aziraphale took one last look at the empty curb across the street before slowly closing the bookshop door to be alone with the ghosts inside.

#Youtube #good omens #crowley #aziracrow fanfic #good omens fanfic #Maggie good omens #aziracrow #aziraphale #crowly x aziraphale #good omens s2 #good omens season 2 #ineffable husbands #ineffable idiots #cat writes

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quillyfied · 1 year ago

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Things I’m noticing on this rewatch, which I’m hoping to take slow and ponder on but we will see how it goes, PART FOUR (obviously major Good Omens season 2 spoilers throughout, specifically for S2E4)

- Lesi?

- Shax really does have creepy down pat.

- Aziraphale not sensing her, though. They really do play Calvinball with the rules of that, it seems.

- “You don’t seem his type at all” mirroring “I am so not your type” between Nina and Maggie last episode ;A; “you have no idea,” Maggie said. Aziraphale thinks. I weep.

- Sometime in the last 18, 19 years…would that have put them square in the “raising the Antichrist” years? Hang on. 4 years past the failed apocalypse…makes it 14…they were working on it for 11 years…no, that would put them before that, wouldn’t it? Wtf is that timing, Shax?

- “This Angel Gabriel, who I’ve never heard of” = “who’s Morales?”

- Shax really is the kind of infernally clever that’s perfect for tripping Aziraphale up when he’s already flustered and panicked. Love to see them interact.

- Opening theme detail today: one of the headstones reads Jane Austen. Wonder if the headstones change every episode too?

- “Here lies the former shell of Beelzebub” reads another, and “here lies Adam” with some text I can’t make out. Went back to the beginning of the graveyard bit now and “Peter Paintball”, and of course, “Every day.” If anyone gets good eyes on the Adam headstone, y’all gotta let me know.

- This episode’s theater feature: Nazi Zombie Flesheaters, with a still of the Nazis from s1 still alive. Nice.

- Seems odd to call the episode “The Hitchhiker” when it seems the literal hitchhiking is done by the time the opening credits roll. Time to refresh myself on why this episode might be called that.

- Did they reuse footage? Or reenact it?

- Yknow…none of the demons are wearing obvious animals this season. I think only Beelzebub, Hastur, and Ligur might have done it tbh.

- I love the details of Hell tbh. The fire cooler. The sheer number of Nazis. The way Shax moves so mechanically but so cool and collected.

- Does Shax actually have any higher demon ears? Or is she baiting Furfur? Hard to tell for her.

- Yknow the teeth aren’t helping in figuring out if Shax has an animal aspect.

- The besotted Aziraphale bit here. I cannot BELIEVE this all happens immediately post church bomb.

- Okay but the Nazis not disputing the fact that they belong in hell, just that they’re dead based on trickery. Nice.

- The tongue bit. Yuck.

- OKAY. Crowley has present day hair color for this adventure. That feels significant. Is this minisode a flashback?

- Okay the signage of Hell. Always a favorite. But the “heaven looks down on you” sign. Hmm. Bit odd.

- Ah. Because I couldn’t see the bottom half of it. “Because you’re…” something. Move it, Furfur XD

- Pathetic. “Heaven looks down on you because you’re pathetic.” …hmm. Still an interesting take, tbh.

- Happy to be in the probable minority that likes the zombies bit XD which is interesting bc I normally hate zombie fiction. They do it the way I like, though. They’re conscious and sentient in their zombieness.

- Also the brain repeating on him XD what a gloriously stupid and delightful detail

- And okay yeah the dead rising from the grave thing from Jimbriel’s prophecy and the Nazi zombies here feels like a big ole clue for s3. I’m Mormon so my upbringing around the Second Coming is probably weirder than other Christians but a big part of it for us is the emphasis on the resurrection of the dead, ALL the dead. Putting a properly macabre spin on it feels like a very Good Omens thing to do tbh.

- There’s the dirty donkey again! It DIDNT move, Crowley LITERALLY planned his heist ACROSS THE STREET FROM THE BOOKSHOP. I WORK IN SOHO I HEAR THINGS INDEED.

- David Tennant what is that voice XD

- Lots of emphasis on sleight of hand this…entire show :P it does make one suspicious of The Final Fifteen Minutes. But also I don’t want to rob them of their power? Because damn. DAMN.

- (The lip reading. It. I. I will wait for the end but GUH)

- He’s so pleased with himself for getting it right XD

- They are SO. IN. LOVE. KILL ME.

- Natural dexterity. Like the magic words, I’m waiting for that one to come true.

- The way Pat tries to have some integrity XD

- THE WAY AZIRAPHALE CASUALLY DROPS THAT HE HAS BOTH A FIREARMS LICENSE AND A DERRINGER. AZIRAPHALE ZIRAPHALE FELL, ARE YOU POSITIVE CROWLEY IS THE JAMES BOND ENTHUSIAST?

- More importantly, does he still have that???

- …does that mean Aziraphale’s fired a gun when Crowley hasn’t? What does this mean for the paintball gun bit? Does your derringer lend weight to a moral argument, Aziraphale??

- Hang on have to squeal for the way Aziraphale just grabs Crowley’s hand in both of his. So excited. So cute.

- HA, the wrong ring XD

- Sad to see Pat get eaten. But the framing of it is really cool actually.

- Fell the Marvelous. That poster. How in the heck.

- Aziraphale having stage fright tho.

- Jiggery pokery indeed XD

- EXPERIENCE USING FIREARMS. AZIRAPHALE THESE ARE SOLDIERS.

- Omg the miracle blocker is a punch card. The worldbuilding implications.

- I wonder at how hell would have taken Aziraphale handing Crowley a rifle tbh.

- “Aim for my mouth, shoot past my ear” WHAT DOES THAT MEAN

- the way they’re both shaking and nervous. The camera itself shaking. CROWLEY shaking

- The feather boa. I WEEP. He’s so happy.

- I know the implication is that Crowley, like Jim, is missing his memories, but. Also. The idea that maybe Crowley is just terrible at remembering people who aren’t Aziraphale. Poor Furfur.

- The sleight of hand is very subtle. Which is the point. But also. Idk man people have said it better and apparently written 16k essays about it, I’m just proud of him for pulling it off.

- Okay but. But they’re zombies. Neil they’re zombies. Aziraphale and Crowley just let three Nazi zombies wander off Neil. NEIL. WHAT IS THE PLAN WITH THEM??

- Dagon is in top form this season tbh

- I CANNOT BELIEVE. THAT THE ONE NAZI REALLY CAN READ LIPS. I CANNOT BELIEVE IT. Peak comedy always.

- I got it right the time that mattered ;A;

- I knew you would come through for me. You always do.

- You said trust me.

- And you did.

- MURDER ME.

- ITS CHATEAUNEUF DU PAPE AGAIN ARE YOU KIDDING ME I AM ALREADY TRYING SO HARD NOT TO QUOTE THIS SCENE WORD FOR HECKING WORD

- “If you were truly as evil as you like to paint yourself” the levels of deep seated misunderstanding and flawed foundational concepts I’m CRY

- Though it’s AZIRAPHALE who brings up shades of grey. A glimmer of hope.

- Can someone who knows accents tell me what is going on with Shax’s

- Beelzebub’s thanks and “good work” as a discordant note, but also their command for Shax to take an army to attack the bookshop knowing full well she isn’t going to get that kind of support…wut.

- THE BENTLEY FOLLOWING AZIRAPHALE AFTER HE PATS IT. CROWLEY FEELS WHAT IT FEELS.

- Peter Anderson’s screen effects are my favorite thing.

- Hate to see the way Nina is so broken down by Lindsey tbh.

- Yeeeah…Crowley seems to be purposely living in his car tbh. Retreating directly to it. I can’t tell if Aziraphale never thought to offer cohabitation or if Crowley turned him down but my money is on they’ve never discussed it despite both of them thinking about it very loudly.

- A night to remember! Never bodes well.

Okay. That’s it for tonight. An episode that seems out of place but has many good tasty morsels and I think more than a smidge of s3 foreshadowing. Why is the episode called The Hitchhiker? Maybe for Furfur trying to climb the greasy pole of bureaucracy? For the Nazis hanging onto life? Literally just for the one part at the beginning that sets the whole climax into motion? Who knows???

#good omens #good omens 2 #good omens season 2 #gos2spoilers #good omens 2 spoilers #good omens season 2 spoilers #ugh okay brain is officially mush #this episode is fun but I think its utility is more meta than narrative tbh

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inflomora-art · 1 year ago

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Hi! I've just read Heavy Lies the Head by odetteandodile and I had no idea that your art was in it! I love their fics and your beautiful art made it so much more sensual and emotional, I loved it so much🩷 I can't help but wonder if you maybe have some more collaborations with fanfic writers?🌸

Hi! Thank you so much <3

Heavy Lies the Head was probably my biggest collab. I've done a lot of big bang art and also been commissioned for fic art though!

In pursuit of happiness by lockedlocke + art post

As a burnout finally catches up with Steve Rogers, he calls his best friend Bucky Barnes for support. Bucky comes over in a heartbeat, intent on helping Steve through his struggles and make him find himself again. The solution after an evening of Spaghetti and watching The Aristocats, is a road trip down to Florida with as many detours as they wish. End goal? Disney world. If there is a place in the world to make Steve feel happy again? It is the happiest place on earth. And should he find love on the way down? All the better...

Introduction to Fake Dating Your Best Friend 101 by crinklefries + art post

Steve and Bucky are a pair of professors who have to fake date for academic purposes and are real dumb along the way. It's not so much a forest of pine as a whole landscape of it. It turns out fine, probably.

The thing that drives the wolves away by caughtinanocean + art post

The thing about Bucky these days is that, while he might be a semi-mythical assassin, he's also vulnerable—the kind of vulnerable that makes total strangers want to drape a blanket over his shoulders and take him to safety. The problem is, of course, that Bucky is already safe. The first time it happens, Bucky has no idea how to react. He and Steve are walking down the street, when a slight woman takes in Bucky’s terrified eyes, the dark circles so bad they almost look like bruises, and Steve’s protective hand resting on his lower back, guiding him down the busy sidewalk (but it must look possessive, to someone looking for a sign), and comes to the wrong conclusion.

worshipping the boots (and the man inside them) by Parrannnah + art post

Steve had always loved the way Bucky looked in boots. (3 times Steve wanted to worship Bucky’s boots + 1 time he did)

Slide To Answer by relenafanel + art post

"What do I do?” Steve appealed into the phone. “I’m freaking out.” There was silence on the other end of the line. It lasted so long that Steve pulled the receiver away from his ear and frowned at it. Pay phones were old. Maybe this one wasn’t working despite the obvious dial tone when he picked up. “Ok,” a stranger’s voice said over the phone. “First acknowledge the fact that you dialed the wrong number, but be quick about it because my cab is a few blocks away from my own plans and I’m about to drop some truth bombs on you.”

A Contract of Sorts by mortenavida + art post

It had been an accident, but it happened and now Steve had a demon standing in his living room. When his life suddenly picked up, he wondered what kind of compensation the demon would eventually ask for and didn’t believe it when the demon simply told him, “I want you.” Steve was sure it would probably be harder to comply if he weren’t attracted to him, but the only thing he wanted at the end of the day was the demon. Against the wall, on the bed—it didn’t matter as long as Steve could keep him.

#ask #long post

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bronsautracks · 2 years ago

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I played through jaws of hakkon again and EVERY TIME I finish the “where we once walked” and hear Ameriden’s Telana memory I get riled up because WHY..

did they shoehorn in a direct and translation of “tela’nadas” (nothing is inevitable) UNLESS it was to put rest to that specific, word-for-word translation being commonly attributed to solas’ response, “banal nadas” (possibly: the void/end is inevitable, an unfortunate inevitably/it must be done) to the nightmare demon in the fade.

Further support of this key difference in the meaning of the two phrases lie in:

The romanced inquisitor angry reaction to trespasser conclusion- “ma lasa banal ghilana!” (You lied to me/you led me astray, or more literally, you gave me bad/poor guidance)

Solas’ own admission, regarding his personality- “I AM grim and fatalistic” He’s not an optimist. He hears the nightmares taunts and responds with, “it is what it is,” because ya boy effed up miserably and is just doing his best with what he has.

And like I never wanted to argue this so when I last made a post about the revelation YEARS AGO someone said “it can be both” and I went with it because I’m not really big on discourse BUT IT CANTBE BOTH OKAY, they are representative of entirely opposing ideals and all I have as proof are these two points and the click of it all coming together in my brain that grinds against the thought that it’s being misinterpreted ever, even once.

So yeah, I think certainly ‘banal’ is literally translated as ‘Nothing’ but capital nothing, as in “The nothing” or “the void” which means that using it as a descriptive word or prefix would just give negative connotation to the following word or phrase, hence: “You gave me poor guidance!/you misled me!” (Ma lasa banal ghilana) “the end is inevitable/an unfortunate inevitability” (banal nadas)

Where as “tel” means ‘nothing’ as in “no thing” “not a thing” “none” so instead of negative, the connotation is nullifying, hence: “nothing is inevitable” (tela’nadas) “no apologies!/you’re not sorry!” (Tel’abelas!)

Also, Netflix, BioWare, Jesus, whoever, please, a show about inquisitor Ameridan next time you feel like doing a whole animated dragon age project. 🙏 absolution was great and after seeing it and playing jaws of hakkon I HAVE A MIGHTY NEED

#dragon age inquisition #dragon age #solas #fen’harel #elvhen #jaws of hakkon #inquisitor ameridan #telana #where we once walked #here lies the abyss #banal nadas #tela’nadas #nothing is inevitable

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thephoenixandthecrocodile · 2 years ago

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Writing about Relationships and Aceness as an Aro-Ace Agender Writer

I originally wrote this post for my blog for Ace Week, but wanted to publish it here because it means a lot to me. So, let's celebrate Ace Week again!

This year’s theme was ace creativity so I thought I would write about being an aro-ace agender writer, how that affects how I write romantic and sexual relationships, and how I work aceness into my stories.

Being Aro-Ace

As an aro-ace agender writer who has never dated/slept with/wanted to date or sleep with anyone ever, my living experience can feel really niche to the point where it feels like I’ll never get the rep I need because my experience is so “rare”. This can also make writing romantic or sexual relationships that others recognize as romantic or sexual difficult.

I don’t understand how sexual attraction works or what makes someone attractive or even when people realize they find other people attractive. I often feel like Dr. Manhattan when he said “a live human body and a deceased human body have the same number of particles. Structurally, there's no difference.” Except for me it would “a clothed body and a naked body have the same number of particles. Aesthetically and sexually, there's no difference.”

I remember being really flummoxed by a beta reader comment asking “why does the MC think other people should find the SC attractive” and “Why does the MC find the LI attractive? You should work more homoerotic references into this scene” and I had a mini panic attack because I had no idea what that would look like. My one example of homoeroticism (and I’m still not a hundred percent sure why it’s considered homoerotic) is Hannibal and so I was like, should the MC give the LI a still beating heart? IDK. That would work better with Demons, not so much with crocodile people.

I don’t understand what makes something romantic or how it’s different from friendship. I was talking to another writer friend about these three characters who are supposed to be together but keep finding reasons not to and they said, “oh you should let them pine for each other” and I felt a very visceral no! Because who has time for that! Even though it’s a common romance trope…

I love the concept of queerplatonic, but not sure I truly know what it means or what it looks like…although my characters have more intense friendships then romantic or sexual ones so maybe I’m writing about it all the time and I don’t realize it.

I’m still trying to figure out how my lack of a gender affects attraction/my understanding of attraction. I know that I rarely acknowledge my own body so I have no idea of how I would make myself “look good” or “look attractive”. And I almost never find anything aesthetically attractive about other people and if I do, it literally lasts for a minute or two and then it disappears and I’m left very confused.

I’m also unable to read or watch anything where the romantic or sexual relationship is a core component of the media. If I do, I get very frustrated and just skip through all those scenes because they’re boring/meaningless to me. So I can’t even engage with media that deal with these relationships because I just can’t get through them or I skip the parts I should be studying. I struggle reading books with ace characters as well because they always feel like the ace character has to be presented and explained within an allosexual framing, even when the author themselves are on the ace spectrum. Which just makes me feel more isolated from my own identity because I can’t even find an ace character that I can identify with.

All of these factors can make it feel like I’m pounding against a wall when I have to write about people being together and that a key component of my writing is missing. There is the fear that I’ll never truly get people interested in my books because there isn’t a romantic component and I can’t feed the shipping flames or even engage in that side of the fandom because it doesn’t interest me/doesn’t make sense to me. Or, worst, the fandom will take my canonically ace and aro-ace characters and turn them allosexual which feels like a deep betrayal of who they are and who I am.

Writing about relationships

And, yet, relationships are going to form – some romantic, others platonic – in my stories and so I had to figure out how I would approach these relationships. They generally fall into three categories:

I’m most comfortable writing the first category because it’s really just an old and tested friendship with maybe more kissing? Although I will admit, I definitely add more references to physical affection if they’re older LGBTQ+ relationships just because we don’t have a lot of those - either in fiction or in real life.

Category three annoys me because I just don’t know what is going on, so I don’t know what those relationships need. I will admit that usually those relationships are confusing because at least one of the partners is on the aro/ace spectrum and neither I nor the character has realized it yet. Once we figure out where they belong, those relationships make more sense and are easier to develop.

Category two relationships are my favorite to write because I get to dissect and destroy relationships in a cathartic way. Usually those relationships aren’t built on attraction or romance, but on manipulation and transactions, and so it’s easier to write because I’m just studying how someone breaks someone completely while getting everything they want (or failing and dying brutally haha).

It’s really refreshing for me because I can basically write about the abuse I went through and I’ve seen and study the behavior and patterns from a removed position. Then I get that cathartic release when things fall apart and usually at least one person dying. I think it’s why I love the play Othello so much, because it’s about a relationship being poisoned and the dark destruction of everyone involved. Or even the Macbeth and Demona relationship in the show Gargoyles. They were friends, maybe more (Macbeth does marry Demona when she’s in her human form – it’s a long story) and their entire relationship is built on mistrust and betrayal, but they have no one else.

I mean it’s horrible when it happens in real life, but there is something very cathartic for me to read or watch fictional destruction (which probably has more to do with my trauma then my sexual orientation). Not only is it cathartic, but it’s easier for me to understand a relationship that is build on material things and needs as oppose to sexual or romantic impulses. I will never understand why a man rolling up his shirt sleeves is attractive, but I can understand why someone will stay with a person who makes them feel stable or who can provide wealth or a safe space to be.

So, in short, relationships only make sense to me when they’re old, stable relationships or toxic, destructive relationships. And I’m sure you found all of that fascinating, but how do I work aceness into my stories?

Writing about Aceness

I generally don’t write about my characters discovering their aceness, with few exceptions. A lot of times my characters are introduced knowing they’re ace and/or aro-ace and there is little discussion of what that means. Everyone in my world understands what it means and no one questions it. I also don’t really write about being ace. A lot of my characters simply are ace and that’s that. I wrote it that way because that’s how I think about being ace. Aro-ace isn’t my identity until someone forces me to find an identity by flashing RELATIONSHIPS, SEX, ROMANCE in front of my face. Otherwise, it doesn’t really affect my life because I’ve been aro-ace all my life so I’m not “missing” anything like a lot of allosexual people assume. I’m literally just living my life until someone forces their life expectations on me.

Of course I say that, but it’s also hard not to work aceness into an ace character’s life, even if being ace isn’t the focus of the story or even that particular character. I think the obvious feature of being ace is being unable to understand or feel sexual attraction to another character.

One of my books is written as a memoir and even though the MC writes about other characters being together and eventually marries his own LI, there is no exploration of attraction or what is considered attractive, etc. His LI is a handsome sex worker and burlesque dancer who can win just about anyone over with his good looks, but the MC doesn’t even notice. The most the MC will notice is that the LI is wearing less clothes than usual, but that’s it. I think I may recreate my own experience at a burlesque show in the next draft where the LI will perform a strip tease and the MC won’t even notice really. He’ll just sit there and think hm they have amazing muscle control.

Another aspect of being ace, and especially aro-ace, is that the things most people “want” in life: sexual experiences, romantic experiences, etc. never enter your mind. For the ace and/or aro-ace person this is normal so we don’t even notice, but for other people it feels like something is missing, like there is a void that needs to be filled and the ace/aro-ace person is the weirdo for not noticing. But the aro-ace/ace person is like, stop poking me. There is no void!

And that fundamentally changes the type of relationships the ace/aro-ace person will have with people. I won’t say it makes them cherish friendships more, but, at least for an aro-ace person like me, it makes friendship the only relationship I’ll have with people. I’m not looking for anything more than that, can’t feel anything more than that, and so friendship becomes the ultimate relationship goal (however you want to define that and I would throw queerplatonic relationships into that category for the sake of this post, even though others will probably disagree/have their own thoughts).

Which sort of leads to the third aspect: if you’re ace, you’re not thinking about sex except maybe in an abstract way or if you have a libido that needs satisfying. If you’re aro-ace, you’re not thinking about sex or romance except, again in an abstract way or if you have a libido. Also masturbation is quicker, more effective, and equally satisfying way to settle that libido. Other aces and aro-aces enjoy having sex. I do not and a lot of my ace characters don’t either just because that’s sort of my default setting (pretty sure I’m borderline sex repulsed)

I do try to capture a lot of different ace characteristics and experiences with my characters, but also capture the representation I need, and I need an aro-ace agender person who doesn’t care about sex or romance, has no experience with either of those things, doesn’t want experience in either of those things, and doesn’t enjoy even the idea of engaging in sex, let alone actually having it.

Examples of Ace Characters in my Stories

When I write a character, their default sexuality is going to either on the aro and/or ace spectrum or bisexual. I have dozens of characters on the ace spectrum, but these are some of my favorite characters/the most interesting characters.

Kingsley Montivelo

Kingsley, my queer anthro crocodile war criminal/freedom fighter depending on who you ask, is an interesting ace character because while I’m fairly certain he is ace, I don’t know where the hell he fits on the ace spectrum and he doesn’t really care enough to figure it out. Which is legitimate as some people don’t really know where they fit on the spectrum and are still quite comfortable with who they are. However, it can also make deciphering his relationships with other characters difficult. He is one of my rare aces who ends up in a relationship, mostly because I decided he was going to have a boyfriend before I realized he was ace.

Kingsley’s first encounter with “feelings” is with his best friend, (also a queer anthro crocodile like most characters in the queer anthro crocodile book) Devin, the happy-go-lucky playboy who goes through partners like tissue paper because it’s easier than facing the reality of being a rebel. Kingsley has a controlling, jealous friendship with him that could have potentially turned into something if either one of them had matured enough before spoilerish things happened. But they ended up going their own way and I think Kingsley will always have this confusing sense of an “almost” with Devin, even though he can’t say it was ever going to be anything romantic or sexual.

After the spoilerish thing happened, Kingsley was in a bad way, dealing with lots of trauma, and felt he was losing Devin, didn’t want to lose anything else, and then he met Kerry, another ace character who i simply adore. Kerry is a fellow rebel leader who has little patience for Kingsley for reasons. To make matters worse, Devin grows close to Kerry, simply replacing struggling Kingsley with functional Kerry. Kingsley has feelings for Kerry that are closer to a crush, but it’s a possessive, jealous, desperate for validation thing that quickly turns into a loathing that could prove fatal for both of them. One of my beta readers put it best, “Kingsley either wants Kerry, wants to be Kerry, or wishes others would respect him like they respect Kerry.”

After some maturing and other spoilerish things, Kingsley finds himself utilizing the services of a very capable and talented sex worker, burlesque dancer, and one of the most powerful politicians in the country named Oisin (who is one of the greatest characters I’ve ever written tbh). Oisin has had a crush on Kingsley forever and has tried everything to get his attention, but Kingsley never noticed him until Oisin proved he was effective and useful.

Their relationship is one of those toxic disasters I love to write. Oisin is driven into many a panic attack about their relationship because Oisin only understands relationships in terms of sex. He’s never had a romantic relationship before, but Kingsley doesn’t understand sexual attraction. So the only way Oisin can get and keep his attention is to perform favors and small miracles for Kingsley, which means he has to be perfect at all times. The minute he fails in a task for Kingsley, he feels he’ll lose Kingsley forever (Oisin has some co-dependence issues…).

Meanwhile, Kingsley finds Oisin the most attractive when he’s completely ruthless and accomplishing the impossible. He tolerates the sex for Oisin’s sake, but personally finds it boring and exhausting. I think Kingsley has romanticish feelings for Oisin since Oisin adds stability and validation to his life, but will lose interest once Oisin becomes a liability.

So Kingsley isn’t great ace rep, but I think it’s just as important to have complex ace characters as it is to have standard “good” and “pure” ace characters. Kingsley’s understanding that relationships are transactional is also reflective on how I’ve approached the rare chance of having a partner. A few people have asked me if I was interested in dating them and I immediately assessed whether they wanted what I wanted and could help me get it, and I said no both times because they couldn’t help me. Not only did they want different things, they didn’t even realize what I really wanted and I feel Kingsley is similar.

By the time he is ready to have a relationship, he is only interested in people who can help him and thus the “attraction'“ isn’t sexual or even romantic, but more material and skills based (it makes him sound like an HR agent trying to find the perfect employee 😅). Romantic love can and does come out of it for Kingsley, (and they have a few domestic scenes that are warm and full of “feelings”) but like, I said, he’s a survivor first and foremost, and so love will never top survival (to be fair, Oisin eventually realizes what he truly is to Kingsley and begins to priority survival as well, so the power imbalances between the two evens out as the series progresses until the spoilerish ending).

Kerry McNair

Kerry is a rebel anthro crocodile who is basically a self-insert. An aro-ace nonbinary masc character (pronouns are they/he), he’s never had a sexual or romantic relationship, doesn’t want a sexual or romantic relationship, please stop asking him. Unlike me, he cares more for his appearance and dresses well, but unfortunately for him that just attracts more people to him, so he has to find this balance of doing what he enjoys (self-care basically) while also dealing with people who take it as an invitation to flirt with him. Kerry is a no nonsense, sarcastic, effective leader who doesn’t enjoy small talk, people, or collaborative work. He likes to be alone, to organize things, and to see results. This can make him difficult to befriend and he’s a bit like Bilbo. He doesn’t know the few people he actually likes half as well as he would like and likes less than half of the people he knows half as well as they deserve.

As I mentioned above, Kerry doesn’t like Kingsley, because Kingsley is the opposite of Kerry. Kerry thinks he’s sloppy, ineffective, self-absorbed, and dangerous for their cause. In all honesty, Kerry doesn’t think about Kingsley until he’s forced to (a bit like his own sexual identity) and it’s always a bit of a violent reaction whenever he has to deal with Kingsley. Kingsley just brings out the worst in people haha. I don’t think Kerry purposefully alienates Kingsley, he just feels threatened by Kingsley’s own instability and unpredictability and thus acts out to protect himself.

Kerry takes his friends seriously, another reason he doesn’t get along with Kingsley who treats people like disposal tools. Because Kerry is so anti-social, he cherishes the few people who don’t drive him crazy. Two of those characters: Marcus, a trans rebel leader who’s known Kerry since they were kids and is planning to proposal to Kerry’s sister and Devin. Marcus and Kerry are ying and yang: Marcus is passionate, volatile, impulsive, and a natural born leader. Kerry is quiet, calculating, quiet, and natural born organizer. Marcus is the only person he trusts with sister’s and his niblings’ lives (the only family he has left) and Marcus is basically an adopted brother. They have one of my classic unbreakable friendships, the rare cases where characters trust each other so much, nothing can shatter it (which is super rare in my stories, since trust is so fragile, but so sacred).

Kerry’s other friend/borderline queerplatonic partner is, you guessed it, Devin. At first glance, they are exact opposites, but they actually share the same values: friends and family members are the only things that matter, creation is more important than destruction, community, not violence, will always defeat evil. Kerry and Devin have to rebuild a lot of things after spoilerish things happen and both have to deal with Kingsley’s jealous nonsense, which only drives them closer and closer together (which only increases Kingsley’s jealous). Devin provides the support Kerry usually expects from Marcus and Kerry supports Devin in ways Kingsley never could.

Alexander Phillips

Alex is a demiromantic ace journalist with a LOT of trauma (and most of it is Kingsley’s fault). He is also one of my few ace characters in a loving relationship, even though it is far from functional. Alex really captures what it’s like to have the vague idea that the rest of the world is weird because everyone you know is so obsessed with things that you don’t feel or even understand. Alex met Christine, his wife, when they were in their teens and they became friends over their mutual sense of not belonging (Christine often disappears into “visions” where she may or may not received snippets of the future from some supernatural entity) and Alex doesn’t develop feelings for Christine until years later. It’s the perfect definition of a slow burn romance that I’m still struggling with capturing perfectly. I think it comes across more as two committed friends who decide to live together then a romantic pairing, but maybe it’s the stronger for it? It’s one of the core relationships that drives the book, so I hope it works.

Heron Massie

An old, grumbling anthro crocodile who is aro-ace. He’s one of my rare aces who attempted to have a sexual relationship (with a Gargoyle) and it just didn’t work, so he walked away from it. Like Kingsley, he didn’t bother with his own sexual identity until much later in life and for the same reason: there’s a lot going on when you’re a rebel leader. Relationships often take a back burner. Heron is also an example of never really having to identity oneself until forced to. The fling with the Gargoyle is backstory, but I imagine she approached him first and he was like, “yeah, all right. Spoilerish thing happened and I’m exhausted. Let’s go for it” and then decided he did not like it.

Grigori Ignatenko

Finally, we have Grigori who is the MC of my short scifi story “Firebird”. It is published in Ezra Arndt’s upcoming anthology My Say In the Manner, which is currently on Goodreads and will be published next year.

Grigori is an aro-ace agender mercenary who was part of a terrible experiment as a child and has lots of trauma and trust issues (I’m sensing a theme here). He never knew what friendship was until he met Ruslan Yusupov, a doctor who took pity on Grigori and gave him a home when Grigori needed it most. Ruslan fell in love with him, but Grigori wasn’t able to replicate the same feelings and they developed a queerplatonic relationship with intense feelings for each other. Grigori attempts now and then to engage in “romantic” and “sexual” behavior expected between partners, but every time he tries it leads to a lot of discomfort. So they work together to find behavior and expressions of love that satisfies Ruslan’s needs and feel comfortable for Grigori. I haven’t fully decided yet, but Grigori may be borderline sex repulsed like myself.

In the short story, something happens to Grigori and he uses his memories of Ruslan and their friendship to center himself and create something new and powerful (with the help of a pissed off elemental spirit thing…) With Grigori, I explore how one’s agender identity can also affect one’s own sexual and romantic identity and spoilerish things happen which allows Grigori to finally feel comfortable gender wise that could potentially allow himself to open up more emotionally.

There are dozens more, but I think these characters are a good representation of how I explore aceness and different kind of relationships.

#ace week #queer writers #aroace #aroace writer #writing aroace characters #writing ace characters #aroace characters #queer relationships #writers on tumblr #my writing

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endingboyhansel · 2 years ago

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Worldplay / Key of Word / Full Moon Laboratory - A Connection to Irina Clockworker

I’m actually making this sound like an essay aren’t I? Okay let’s do this.

Ahem.

In this post I shall discuss these three original Clockwork Lullaby songs and how they connect to Irina Clockworker. Better yet, how Irina is the true singer of these three songs, and my reasoning as to why this is the case.

Full Moon Laboratory and The Song I Heard Somewhere connections

We cannot begin this discussion without mentioning the connection between the melody of Full Moon Laboratory and The Song I Heard Somewhere, especially during the chorus.

On the night of the full moon the experiment begins The scent of reagent drives my heart mad

On the night of the full moon the experiment begins If the era changes, then the song will change again too

Of course the song Irina refers to in Song I Heard is the Clockwork Lullaby. However, note how both songs take place on a full moon and involve the beginning of an experiment. What experiment? In Song I Heard, this is Irina’s transformation into a plushie. In Full Moon Laboratory, this is the singer destroying something and creating something. Which begs into question. What is being destroyed and what is being created?

I personally believe this is a reference to Adam and Eve Moonlit and the Irregulars. Of course the Irregulars represent creation and destruction - the Genesis Girl and Ending Boy. But Adam and Eve aren’t Irregulars until Nemesis destroys the world, right? So then what does this mean? Does this mean the singer have foresight into the future?

Now let’s head back to the previous songs, and start marking some pieces into place.

The Greedy-Hearted Person’s Connections to Seth Twiright

A recurring character in these three songs in an unnamed person the singer is referring to. In Wordplay, the singer wants to convey something to him but doesn’t know how to. Whoever they are the singer clearly has mixed feelings. But we get this specifically:

For example, when you abandoned me What sort of words would apply?

Abandonment is a key theme of all the ghoul children. Irina in fact was abandoned by Seth because she didn’t exhibit any symptoms of HER.

In Key of Word, this is called into question again.

Lu li la lu li la, can this lullaby Heal your heart, I wonder? Carrying a sin called desire And right now still dreaming

Whoever this person exhibits evil and sin - say… a Demon of Wrath. But what makes this singer definitely Seth brings us to Full Moon Laboratory again. We get this line.

Before disappearing, that person said “I won’t return here again Continue with your experiments”

And what was the last thing Seth said to Irina?

Before disappearing, he said “I won’t return here again, continue with your experiments”

It is almost an exact mirror.

Wordplay

In the PV for Wordplay we get this:

In the early dawn today, Tokyo/You can’t trust anyone/Extortion/Inhuman/Aside from me they had vanished/Destruction/There are enemies here/Terrorism/World conquest/Dictatorship

This is again the singer’s knowledge of the events that will happen. “You can’t trust anyone” is echoing Ma Survival:

Survival activates Paranoia outweighs feelings of friendship Is the one laughing behind you Really a friend?

Extortion could be referring to the events of the Dark Star Scandal. “Aside from me they had vanished” echoes Whereabouts of the Miracle:

When I awakened, there was nothing […] But there’s nothing anymore He and her are already gone

The rest seem to refer to Nemesis destroying the world with Punishment.

Key of Word

Again, whoever is singing is connected to the events yet to happen. Two new events are revealed to the listener that the audience knows of.

The flower-like memories And even the mud-like traumas They continue to turn and melt All of it inside of me

The specific use of the words flowers and mud seem to be a reference to Flower of the Plateau and Lich’s mud dolls. Yet there’s a more telling detail.

I peeked into Pandora’s box And continued to search for proof of my existence In the end, I of the miniature garden Wasn't anyone

Where have we heard miniature garden used before? Oh right, Miniature Garden Girl! Whoever is singing must be connected to the Clockworker's Doll somehow.

Full Moon Laboratory

Apart from the references to Song I Heard, there isn’t much to add on except the final lines.

Someday let’s begin that game again Because I’ll be here no matter what, right?

No matter what? What makes the singer so certain that they’ll be here? Which leads into my theory.

Conclusion

The singer isn’t just any old version of Irina. This is Irina during the time loops. These songs are just an extended version of her ‘prophecy’ as Maria Moonlit. She knows what will happen, and knows that she won’t be able to change things “no matter what”.

Also, since Irina is aware of the Clockwork Lullaby, she is aware of the events that will lead to the end. How many times will this happen? How many loops has she been in? Well, one thing’s for certain. She knows unless she changes her fate, it’s permanent. How does Irina break the loop? That too is ambiguous. Maybe the karma of evil is doomed to not end after all…

We do know another thing as well. Irina has accepted that she cannot break the loop, she has stopped trying. While back in Karma of Evil, she told herself she will keep on doing this “over again any number of times”, by the time of these three songs, she’s given up.

#evillious chronicles

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bisluthq · 6 months ago

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“I refused to believe that Harry wasn’t somewhat aware of the Jason situation with Olivia”

But legitimately, why would he be aware? From what I heard + pieced together with what we saw and the nanny said, she hired him because she wanted to sleep with him. She literally said she wanted Harry before Shia because of his role in Dunkirk and that makes no sense to me, because the roles couldn’t have been more different. What about the quiet moody young soldier Alex, which Harry portrayed very well, made her think about a conniving loser man who has to be facetious the entire time, which Harry had a much harder time portraying convincingly? She thought he was hot. She wanted to sleep with him. That’s pretty much confirmed for me.

FWIW I was a huge fan OF OLIVIA. I became a fan of Harry’s because of her. I know it’s probably me and two other people who went this route, but I can promise you that’s the case lmao, and if you dig deep in your old asks from when they got together you’ll find a bunch of mine saying this exact thing!

I say this because what I think happened between Jason and Olivia is that she realized he cheated on her with Keeley Hazell when Ted Lasso came out. She probs didn’t have hard proof but Jason and Keeley met in 2014 filming Horrible Bosses II, and then based two entire characters on Keeley, one even admitted by the actress who portrayed her, Juno Temple (who Olivia unfollowed when Ted came out, btw. They’d worked together on Meadowland). There’s no way she saw that, knowing that he’d spent months in London while she was with the kids in LA, and didn’t think “this son of a bitch is cheating on me.” I’m sorry but she’d be an idiot.

So she hired Harry and had every intention of sleeping with him. And she made a pass at him, which I presume means she told him from the jump that she was single. Maybe even told him that Jason cheated. It’s not hard to believe that it’s true considering it was the middle of the pandemic and they had two young kids. “We still share a house because it’d be too complicated.” Makes perfect sense. “We don’t want to make the breakup public since we still have to share a house.” Also makes sense.

The fact that Harry included their anniversary date on a bag he gifted her and that said anniversary date is prior to the date Jason outright said they separated (the bag said October 25 and Jason is on the record saying they separated in November) to ME says that Harry was confident in what Olivia had told him. Even if for his own image and how he was perceived, he wouldn’t flaunt being a homewrecker. I don’t think saying he’s at least somewhat aware of his own image and would be more careful than that is babying him.

Also, if my partner told me “my POS partner cheated on me look at all this evidence, we are separated but he’s an ass who wants to drag me down. So don’t believe a thing he says.” I would probably believe them.

My guess is that the nanny having hard proof (text messages) and dates is what made him go “hell no.”

Also, the nanny claimed Olivia lied about Harry hooking up with his friend’s girl. And Harry and Zach haven’t hung out since that whole thing happened, as far as we know (but Zach and Florence are all good). I can’t imagine Harry would be too happy about that. There were rumors about this whole Florence and Harry thing since before Venice. The Sun posted them. I 100% think it all stems from Olivia trying to cover her ass.

The nanny described Olivia as someone who likes to pretend that everything is perfect all the time and that there are no problems. Like she buries her head in the sand and I can SO see it.

There’s the little detail of Olivia continuing to sleep with Jason for two months after announcing their breakup AND getting with Harry. She cheated on him too.

I’m the last person to demonize a woman for the sake of it. But there’s no saving some of us. I’m sorry but she’s a mess, and if Harry even for a second glances in her direction, I’ll be extremely surprised. Even if he’d want to, his friends would probably slap him.

I hope his friends slap him but idk Harry is a big boy who makes his own decisions and I’m… genuinely not convinced he’s done™️ with her. Yes, a lot of what you say is right but also like… he really really really loved her and I think that type of love doesn’t fade in a year.

she reminds me of my bf’s ex-wife lol who is even more nuts tbh but who kept that man for like 8 years I think??? or 12??? it was a long time??? until he had irrevocable proof she’d been cheating repeatedly with multiple different dudes and that happened less than a year into the actual marriage lmfao so idk. Crazy bitches are crazy but they get shit done. I’ve got to give them that.

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randomhearts82 · 1 year ago

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Hello readers,

I’ve been meaning to post this message for a while now, but I wanted to gather my thoughts, and had hoped maybe my feelings would change if I gave it some time. If this makes you nervous, it’s not exactly what you’re most likely thinking…not yet anyway.

At this point in time, I’m honestly rather unsure on if the story will be continued. It’s not that I’ve lost an interest in writing, as I have ideas for other fandoms. It’s more about this story in particular, for several reasons.

One: you all most likely know by now, via previous messages, that my interest in GA has significantly gone downhill. It started when I could no longer watch episodes (via legal means) here in Canada anymore. That was a few years ago now. On top of that, when I was still watching, I found the focus of the investigations changed from when I first started. I found they became more about demons than ghosts, and while I know they’re intertwined in some ways, my interest lies more with “is there an afterlife?”

Two: I do still have some ideas, and a basic idea of how I want to end the story, but during the last several months of trying to write new chapters, I realized I’ve done a terrible job (in my opinion) in terms of pacing in the world I’ve created. Since Zak and Alicia met, it’s been roughly one year and six months. I realize in the real world, many relationships progress faster than I’ve written, but I feel like in order to end the story how I imagine, I’d have to do a bunch of time jumps. I feel like that’s crappy writing on my part, but maybe it’s just my opinion.

Third & last: probably the most important reason to my indecision…I’ve grown a lot mentally since the story started. While I still have my issues with mental health, and my day to day life hasn’t really changed, the idea of continuing to write a fan fiction based on actual living people…well, it kinda makes me uncomfortable now. I mean absolutely no offence to those that do, and while I obviously realize my perception of these real life people is extremely likely to be inaccurate of who they really are, I can’t help the way I feel. I think the main thing that brought me to this realization is the fact that the other ideas for stories in other fandoms I have, are all 100 percent fictional characters.

With all that said, I’m really unsure at this point on what I’m going to do. I feel absolutely terrible when I think of not continuing the story, knowing you guys have been so supportive over the years. However, I also feel like my writing has gone down hill in the last number of chapters, and would only continue to get worse if I continue.

I wanted to post this so message so you’d all know I haven’t forgotten about the story, and mainly just to be honest with where I’m at. I’m also curious to see any opinions you guys may have. I know my lack of updates are likely the cause, but I feel like the story doesn’t have the following that it used to, so that kinda affects my thoughts on continuing too.

Whatever I decide, and I’m not sure when that will be, I’ll let you know. If I happen to decide not to continue with the story, I’d be willing to at least share a brief summary of what my planned ending would be if you guys want. Or maybe I could even do an FAQ sort of thing, where I’d give you guys some time to send in your questions about the story, and I’d post my answers to the best of my ability. Again, let me know what you think.

I apologize for this news. I dreaded posting this, but you guys have honestly been the best readers I could have hoped for, so you deserve the truth.

Lots of love,

Alicia

P.S. Even though I’ve posted this to Twitter/X, Tumblr, and my Wattpad newsfeed, I decided to post this as a new “chapter” across all three sites as well, so that’s easier for you guys to leave your thoughts. Especially since my Tumblr blog is a mess, and severely needs a makeover.

#fan fiction #my fiction #announcements #angel of light #ghost adventures #zak bagans #wp #ao3 #ffn

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obeiii-mee · 4 years ago

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Can I angst for Mammon where he is in a really bad mood and his brothers are at it again calling him names. And already ask them kindly to leave him alone but they keep at it. And Levi says something and it's the last straw. The air around them get cold for a moment as he slowly looks up and he flat out threatens them to shut up before he puts them back into there place with a really dark and threatening voice, before leaving. And the look could rival Satan's or even Lucifers glare.

I think Mammon takes the abuse of his brothers but sometimes he isn't in the mood and want a little peace and it is very very rare for him to get pissed

Like he's the kind of person who would yell when he's upset but when he's down right pissed it's like really fucking scary

People forget that as much as he lets his brothers push him around he is still the second oldest and is powerful so 😬

Brothers+ undateables reaction

Mammon snaps:

___________________

This is something I’ve mentioned in previous posts, but I basically second everything you said. I believe that Mammon dislikes getting into confrontations but isn’t by any means weak or stupid. He is the second eldest. However he is also, arguably, the one with the most self control out of them all. He has an overwhelming amount of patience when it comes to his siblings and I like to think he puts up with all of their insults because he loves them. Then again, it’s very possible for him to go berserk after years worth of build up.

Thanks for the request!!! I had a bit of trouble at first because I didn’t know how I was going to format it but I like the way it turned out so I hope you do too. Uhh also I reached my word limit writing this so I couldn’t include Simon, Luke and Solomon. I do plan on writing for them as well but at this point I’m just trying to get this done. Let me know if I made any grammatical errors! I double check my writing all the time but sometimes mistakes got over my head! The undateables are short because honestly I view the brothers as the ones who will suffer the most out of everyone. I hope you enjoy reading it anyway!!

•Characters: Lucifer, Leviathan, Satan, Asmodeus, Beelzebub, Belphagour, Diavolo, Barbatos.

⚠️Warnings: Cursing, mentions of blood & gore and that’s about it.

___________________

For the past few months, Lord Diavolo’s pleasure of hosting parties and inviting people over had become more and more noticeable. It was pretty obvious that the Prince was lonely, isolating himself from others due to the responsibilities he has as the heir to the throne and a leader in the making. Attending his gatherings seemed like a down right chore for most of the brothers but you never had any problem tagging along. Besides, it felt nice knowing he seemed you worthy of coming to such important meetings. Your seven demons were, of course, also invited and per Lucifer’s orders, they all got cleaned up and dressed in fancy clothing to impress the regals prancing about the castle. Though the outfits themselves came with their own set of problems. Levi’s was way too tight; the collar seemed to annoy him more than anything else, judging by the patches of red skin on his neck. Satan accidentally ripped one of the buttons from his jacket off in a fit of rage earlier that day and was now silently fuming while poking his finger through the hole he made. Even Asmo spilled some water on his shirt before they arrived, ruining his pretty pink suit! Not to mention Beel was munching on his tie, having last eaten about 15 minutes beforehand. Lucifer pulled it out of his mouth and scowled at the saliva stains that were left behind. Safe to say they were all in a miserable mood to begin with.

“I expect all of you to behave in a respectable manner,” Lucifer flicked Belphie on the back of the head just as he began dozing off, making the youngest growl at him. He shot Mammon an irritated look “I’m especially talking to you Mammon. Don’t try to steal anything or I’ll cut your hands off.”

“I told ya big bro, ya don’t have to worry about me! I’ll be a golden child today! Promise!” Mammon held up his pinky as if he was committing to some kind of oath. The eldest darkened his glare and opened his mouth to say something else, but you interrupted in hopes of avoiding any bickering that might’ve followed.

“Look, there’s our table! Let’s go sit down. Lord Diavolo’s speech is going to start any minute now.”

Beel leaped at the table as soon as he sniffed out the appetisers, which were neatly arranged on the expensive tablecloth, shoving at least half of them in his mouth by the time the rest of you caught up with him. Having been seated, you quickly glanced around the room in hopes of spotting Diavolo. You bumped into Solomon and the angels before entering the castle, chit chatting with them for a while about the event. Even now, Luke was excitedly waving at you from across the room, using both of his arms. However, Lord Diavolo and Barbatos were the ones in charge of this party and you were yet to see either of them.

Out of the corner of your eye, you noticed Mammon eyeing the golden utensils laid out in front of him. Not the biggest of surprises really. Anytime Mammon sees something along the lines of gold, he can’t help but snatch it away. And there’s obviously so many valuables scattered all over the place, including the silverware that was proudly presented on every table. You sucked in a breath of anticipation when he reached for one of the spoons, only to exhale in relief when he placed it on the bridge of his nose, trying to balance it.

“MC, look at this!” He tapped your shoulder, as always wanting your full and undivided attention as he demonstrated his newfound skill. You giggled at his antics with fondness as he accidentally let the spoon drop with a clatter and a quiet ‘shit’ coming from him. Lucifer pulled on his ear, like a mother scolding her child and whisper-yelled at him to stop acting like an idiot. The only reason the oldest chose a sit right next to Mammon was to maintain order and peace. Basically, he did it for disciplinary reasons.

“I understand that being impertinent is your full-time job, Mammon but keep this up and I’ll throw you in Cerberus’ room. Let him do with you as he pleases.”

“Lucifer, it’s not a big deal-“

“Yeah, OK,” Mammon hissed, picking up the spoon from the recently polished floor with a slight grin that didn’t quiet reach his eyes “I gotcha. Can-“

“Speaking of Cerberus,” Levi suddenly piped in, no longer fussing about his collar or nervously twiddling with his thumbs because of the massive crowd of demons surrounding him “Didn’t you force me to walk him last week when it was your turn to do it?? I only agreed because you promised to buy me the newest Ruri-Chan limited edition body pillow that came out last Tuesday! And you never did! And now they’re out of stock, you scummy piece of-“

The third eldest would’ve leapt across the table and aimed for the throat if you hadn’t pressed a gentle hand against his chest, making him sit back down with a huff. People were starting to stare at the commotion coming from your table, turning heads and muttering between themselves. You were slowly dying from embarrassment by the way, since you guys definitely became the topic of conversation for the other guests. The brothers were being too noisy to even notice and Lucifer himself was too preoccupied to see the scene they were creating which made you further slouch down into your chair, silently hoping for the ground to swallow you whole. The night really wasn’t going as intended. You could hear Solomon laughing at the brothers’ antics from three tables down.

“I guess that’s Mammon for you,” Belphie yawned, barely raising his head from table “He lies everyday, all day. What exactly is new here? And that says something since it’s coming from me.”

“I apologised for that!” Mammon whined, referring to Levi’s accusation and choosing not to address Belphie’s insult “I was gonna buy it but then I realised I spent all my money earlier that week anyway so I couldn’t!”

“Perhaps that wouldn’t happen if you learned how to save the money you earn properly,” Satan muttered, sipping from his glass of whatever beverage he had snatched from the servants earlier “Not like you know how to earn money in any way besides stealing it.”

You watch as Mammon clenched his fist “Can we please just move on-“

“I can’t believe that I was cursed with this moron for a brother,” Asmo sighed, almost theatrically, as if he was performing. And, in a way, he was. People were getting really interested in the drama unfolding over there. It was making you even more anxious, all those eyes staring at you. The Avatar of Lust was leaning so much on his chair, you were sure he was going to topple over and at this point, you kinda hoped he would. Anything to stop this momentum of hatred aimed at Mammon “You’re always getting us in trouble, you know. Hmph, we can’t go anywhere with you Mammon! You always end up ruining it for us! With your stupid schemes and-“

“I’m hungry-“

“Not now, Beel!”

“Cutting him up into tiny pieces for the witches will always be an option,” Lucifer chimed in, smiling at the thought.

Mammon snapped his head upwards at that. It was such an abrupt reaction, it made you jolt a little in your seat. You couldn’t miss the tension radiating from him, how quickly his body stiffened and exactly how hard his hands were gripping the edge of the table. His brothers were still paying him no mind, blaming him for this and that under their breath or being silently judgemental in Lucifer’s case. You worried for him because Mammon rarely acted like this; feral, in a way. Just so you know, he definitely noticed it. The look of concern plastered all over your face. That’s the only reason he released the table from his vice-like grip and slouched back against his chair. Satan went quiet and was staring at Mammon in bewilderment.

He disliked the idea of you watching him lose control of himself. He was your guardian. Your first pact. It’s important to him that your relationship is build around a pillar of trust. And he can’t even expect you to trust him if he exposes you to his demon form every time something inconveniences him. Mammon would rather cease to exit than have you fear him. So he kept his breathing regulated as the fog cleared his mind. The Avatar of Greed isn’t an angry demon. Snuffing out the the flame of rage he had fanned up until then was relatively easy. He just needed to get through tonight, then he could go home and complain to you about it once he got out of his brothers’ earshot.

“Why does he get to spend so much time with MC anyway? He’d probably sell them for a few Grimm any time of the day, wouldn’t he? It’s so fucking unfair. He won’t change no matter what so why risk MC’s safety? I will summon Lotan on him if he starts getting on my nerves.”

It would be an understatement to say that those words rubbed Mammon the wrong way, judging by the lack of immediate response. It was unexpected for him keep his mouth shut at a time like this. What was even more unexpected was the abrupt, delayed reaction he had a few seconds afterwards, resulting in his chair being flung back about 5 feet in that general direction. The seemingly deafening thud it made when it collided with the floor echoed around the dining hall, bouncing off walls and whacking people over the heads with the aggression behind it. A moment of pure, indescribably loud silence filled the crowded space as everyone else stared in shock at their brother, mouths agape and eyes bulging out of their sockets. Mammon would’ve laughed at their faces if it weren’t for the circumstances leading up to that point.

“What gives any of you the right to treat me like some sort of punching bag?” Mammon drawled, accentuating his obviously superior nature to almost every single demon at that table. He laughed, in an oddly half hearted way, before his sea struck gaze landed back to his siblings “Do not try to push me into a corner, because I will not handle it well. You’ve been having a field day with me for centuries now and I’m starting to get really ticked off, ya know? But that doesn’t matter. What matters is that I’ve done everything in my power to keep MC alive for the past few months and y’all are acting as if I’m out here playing with their life. Complain about me all you want. But...” He thumped the table, loud enough to make all the noblemen in the room flinch.

“Don’t you dare insinuate that I would ever put MC in danger, willingly or not because I will rip out your insides and paint the walls of this palace with them while hanging your intestines from these chandeliers. I will pluck your hairs out one by one, then your nails, then your eyeballs and then your teeth. You’re the ones that have put MC in danger’s way time and time again in the past few weeks, and you’re out here trying to suggest that I would even think about hurting them? Unlike every single one of you, who almost killed my human-you’re lucky I don’t have your fucking heads.”

He smashed his fist into the table again, using even more of his strength this time and effectively breaking the whole thing, the wooden legs giving out and shattering into thousands of splinters. Mammon spoke again, his voice lowering “MC forgave you. I didn’t. And I have no reason to. Not with how you’ve been treating me.”Once he spit that out, Mammon turned on his heel and left, slamming the door shut behind him hard enough to shake the whole building, leaving his siblings in dazed awe.

......

Even more silence. For some reason, all of the brothers at the now broken table ended up looking your way, silently questioning what they should do. It often ended up like this

You gave them all an unimpressed stare and a half-assed shrug “Don’t look at me. You guys fucked up.” Before sliding out of your seat and following Mammon out of the castle, sending an apologetic smile to Diavolo on your way out. Hopefully, you could manage to calm him down before everyone else gets home otherwise this might drag on for a while.

Lucifer:

-In all honesty, he probably saw the signs from a mile away and still decided to ignore them

-Maybe because he believed they weren’t being all that harsh on him, even if in Mammon’s eyes they were

-‘Harsh’ in Lucifer’s vocabulary usually means being hanged upside down from a ceiling or publicly executed, not a couple of mere insults

-Not to mention the eldest had always been horrible at communicating with his brothers when it came to emotions

-Despite Mammon clearly suffering from the treatment he received from his brothers, Lucifer refuses to believe he’s the root of the problem

-As the Avatar of Pride, he always had a hard time realising that all those words and the constant teasing, which he deemed to be pretty harmless, scarred Mammon a lot more than expected

-Once he actually comes to that conclusion, and after getting over the initial shock, Lucifer would probably feel the guiltiest out of them all

-Being the eldest means he carries quite a few burdens on his shoulders as most responsibilities fall on him due to his prideful nature

-He would blame himself for Mammon’s outburst simply because he’s the older brother and he should’ve known better, not just because he sees how a big of a role he played in all of this

-Usually, if his brothers do something bad, then he’s there to fix it within hours, that’s how it always worked

-Except he doesn’t know how to fix this exactly

-The problem is he has no idea how to approach Mammon after that sudden meltdown and he has no idea how to talk it out with him because he sucks at expressing himself verbally

-And since this took place in a public space, Lord Diavolo’s Palace no less, he felt really conflicted on what should have been done at that moment in time

-There was a lot of frustration, embarrassment and confusion in him for a good five minutes after Mammon slammed that door shut behind him and even after he gathered his thoughts together, he was still in shock for the rest of the night

-In any case, the whole event was promptly cancelled and everyone ended up going home earlier than expected, after Lucifer apologised to Diavolo about the spectacle they created (several times)

-When they finally get home, he decided to give Mammon his space instead of trying to knock at his door and instead went back to his room

-He knows they will need to solve this matter soon but there’s no way Mammon will want to see, let alone talk, to any of them just yet

-He’s sort of hoping he can apologise best he can next morning at breakfast, cross his fingers and wish for the best but judging by the venom that laced Mammon’s voice the night before, it’s not likely he will forgive any of them that easily.

Levi:

-If I were to guess, he saw the ending credits of his life flash before his very eyes as soon as those words left his mouth

-Levi felt a panic in him like never before, not even while playing his engaging horror visual novels at 3am in complete darkness or that one time he used Lucifer’s credit card to buy merch before being found out

-Must’ve forgotten his brother technically ranks higher than him on the power scale for a second there

-Or maybe he didn’t think his insults were going to affect him much

-They usually don’t

-Or at least that’s the impression he’s been under for a while now

-Mammon doesn’t snap easily under pressure but Levi must’ve really hit a nerve there that night

-While everyone was sitting in a short silence after Mammon left the building, he started twiddling with his fingers again the more he thought about it

-Because now he went from nervous to fucking terrified of what the hell was waiting for him when he finally got home

-He does feel guilty, nowhere near as much guilt as Lucifer feels but still pure shame

-However most of that guilt is swallowed by a steady fear and the constant worry of ‘how do I stop my brother from killing me?’

-Unlike Lucifer, I honestly don’t see him taking any sort of initiative when it comes to apologising to Mammon

-Not even because he doesn’t want to, but he would freeze up if he were to come face to face with him after that incident and then scamper back to his room like a rat in hiding

-So without your help, it’s likely the two won’t be speaking to each very soon which can honestly make life at the House of Lamentation so much more miserable

-In the end, if either you or Lucifer forced him to, he would say sorry by selling some of his merch and then giving him the profits (in secret but we all know it’s him)

-That is a big sacrifice on Levi’s part considering how precious his merchandise is to him

-But the idea that he’s gonna get murdered in his sleep by his older brother was getting a tad too real

-Besides, Mammon is still his brother and if he has to sell a couple of items in order to make him less mad, he would do it, albeit with a bit of grumbling

-Despite that, Mammon still refuses to come out of his room and sort of relies on you to bring him food because he doesn’t want to see his brothers

-Levi and Mammon would probably have to rebuild a lot of their relationship after this but it could easily take months for that to happen since Levi is too terrified to look him in the eye and Mammon is too upset to even hear his voice

Satan:

-He wouldn’t be the Avatar of Wrath if he couldn’t spot the anger within someone from a mile away

-He’s always been able to recognise the fury building up inside of him so for Satan it’s second nature to just know when someone’s on the brink of snapping

-It’s no surprise to say that he probably noticed Mammon’s wrath spilling out before anyone else did

-But alas, he realised it too late

-If he had reacted quicker, maybe he would’ve been able to diffuse Mammon before he exploded on them. Or not

-It’s difficult to tell if he could’ve actually helped because who was he to tell Mammon to calm down??? If anyone told him that while he was throwing a fit, he would probably break their necks-

-In the end, he just pressed his lips into a straight line and watched his brother throw his chair across the room

-Not gonna lie, he found it a bit entertaining purely because of the look on Lucifer’s face

-Satan had to try really hard not to crack a smile because he knew Mammon would probably smash a glass against his head or something

-Even so, he was the first to stand up and offer to go after him, though he wasn’t sure he could do much consoling

-Being so experienced with anger meant that he knew Mammon had built himself into a rage that he won’t be able to escape out of too easily

-Which is why he advises Lucifer to give Mammon his space once they get home

-Overall, the most understanding out of all of the brothers

-At this point in time, probably the least judgemental out of everyone and once Mammon comes out of his room for the first time in a while, either him or Beel is going to apologise to him first

-He may push and push him alongside the rest of his siblings but I feel like Satan doesn’t want to reach a certain low, like cornering Mammon into the frenzy he had that day ever again

-He might get pissy with him if he’s being too stubborn to forgive anyone after coming down from his intrusive thoughts

-And he really hates that Mammon had to remind them about all the times you had nearly died because of them, because he knows they won’t be able to make it up to you so why is Mammon upset about this????

-But he will try to maintain respect for his older brother from then on

-Even if the sharpest of remarks is on the top of his tongue!

Asmo:

-Asmo is the type to laugh it off and then start feeling really upset about it later on, the longer he thinks about the whole thing

-After Mammon storms out, he just assumes it’s another one of those ‘Mammon’ things and tried to brush the feeling of unease off him

-Even so, later that night the memory of Mammon kept coming back to him while he laid in his bed, unable to have a nice rest for the first time in how long? He’s always been really strict about his sleeping schedules after all

-Asmo’s observant, almost on par with Satan himself when it comes down to it. He definitely saw the gleam of anger, pent up frustration and hatred in his brothers’ eyes that moment and it legitimately scared him, even if it was for just half a second

-Honestly, he begins neglecting himself out of anticipation and worry which is a huge red flag for the Avatar of Lust who always holds himself at such a superior level compared to everyone else

-It may start out slow, but it has the same effect as a snowball rolling down the hill. It becomes more of a problem the longer it’s ignored

-Because he spends most of his days now debating whether he should try to coax his brother into coming out of his room and apologising to him, he forgets about himself

-Skincare routines are missed, pedicure appointments have been cancelled; hell, if Mammon’s keeps being stubborn, he may let his hair become absolutely filthy

-Asmo sort of relies on his brothers to provide the living environment he revolves around. If something is off with his brothers, he can not work properly either because it doesn’t feel right to do so

-Imagine a machine not working anymore because one of the clogs in it got stuck

-I can see Asmo feeling a decent amount of guilt when it comes to the situation but he still blames Levi for completely pushing him over the edge at dinner

-So now those two aren’t talking (it’s honestly so exhausting since they’re shoving the blame onto each other without stop)

-If Mammon decides to come out and hear them out, Asmo might get on his knees and beg because that guilt bubbling up inside of him may end up being his demise

-No seriously, MC might need to keep an eye out on him too while comforting Mammon because whatever he is doing isn’t healthy

-Takes Mammon’s outburst pretty badly and tries apologising to him many times but the second eldest still hasn’t said a word to any of them

-And that’s driving him into a fucking swirl of insanity at this point

-Of course, much like Mammon’s mental breakdown, this builds up over time but the result can be devasting

-If you pass by his room at night, you could probably hear him sob about how his brother hates him and it’s really heartbreaking to hear pained cries like that coming from such an overly confident demon like Asmo

Beel:

-Literally the only one here that doesn’t dish out insults onto Mammon every hour of the day

-He joins in very rarely and even when he does, it’s usually in good nature rather than malice

-Unless food is involved. Feelings (and Mammon) might be hurt if that’s the case

-Beel wasn’t listening to his siblings as they were diminishing Mammon, he was way too hungry to comprehend what the hell they were on about

-So he just started wolfing down appetisers until he noticed you looking all weary

-That’s the first thing that put him on alert

-And then the second born’s aura was also...off putting

-Might’ve actually tried to nudge Belphie to stop him from saying anything offensive to Mammon in this state when he realised how tense the atmosphere got

-Flinched when his brother left the palace, almost cracking the whole doorway on his way out

-Hunger is all but gone and at this point he wants to go home to check up on him

-Beel is a bit of a softie and he wears his heart on his sleeve a lot of the times

-He never did anything particularly bad to Mammon, not on the same scale his brothers did certainly and yet he still felt extremely bad

-Perhaps because he didn’t step in as much as he should’ve...?

-Either way, when his loved ones suffer, he has a tendency of putting the blame on himself because he feels it’s the only logical answer

-Honestly, he feels guilty enough to the point where it’s affecting his eating habits-which is obviously not normal for the Avatar of Gluttony

-Beel knows Mammon doesn’t want to talk to him but he still brings him food and leaves it at the doorstep of his room since he doesn’t want to come out and have dinner with them

-Or he relies on you to give it to him

-The thought of Mammon being so mad at them that he doesn’t even want to eat makes him feel so vulnerable

-As soon as he sees him for the first time since that night, he will probably be the first to apologise, even if Mammon isn’t in the mood to hear apologies

-Again, he’s trying to use food to make up to him (bringing him his favourites and paying for them)

-Even if he gets ignored, he’s still going to do it

-Beel is trying his best to say sorry to his older brother the only way he knows how to do so, but Mammon still doesn’t give in

Belphie:

-Could’ve been asleep the whole time Mammon was thrashing about

-Or at least that’s what it looked like to the average passer-by

-Kept one eye open to watch as Mammon finally snapped under pressure, having to raise his head once his brother broke the whole god damned table

-“OK, alright, storm off I guess-I have a splinter now-“

-Don’t trust that sarcastic commentary, he’s in deep thought on the inside

-Maybe he should’ve expected this but then again, he never would’ve guessed Mammon had it in him to be so aggressive

-Will narrow his eyes at him when he talks your death and scowl

-As if he didn’t already feel like the world’s biggest piece of shit, he had to bring that up

-As soon as he leaves, he turns to Lucifer and goes “See what you did? You broke Mammon. You suck, Lucifer.”

-The shifting of blame suits Belphie really well (it takes Beel side glancing him to get him to shut up)

-The Avatar of Sloth is too tired to even try to communicate with his brother so he goes straight to bed after getting home

-However, he actually visits Mammon’s dreams that night

-Or at least tries to, if Mammon is getting any sleep after that showdown

-It’s his way of checking in with his brother, helps him evaluate the situation

- Whether that works or not, there was definitely an attempt that required a lot of effort and you don’t see that very often with Belphagour

-It really demonstrates how much he actually cares for his family, even if he hides behind snide remarks and the likes of it

-However, if Mammon refuses communication, then he can’t do anything but give up

-He clearly won’t be able to convince him to step aside for a chit chat and why waste energy trying to force him to do so

-When the time comes, Belphie knows his brother will willingly talk to him (or at least someone else because he knows he’s not any good at comfort or apologies)

-At the same time, a lot of the things Mammon said during that party rubbed him the wrong way and seeing his twin suffer because of it is also pissing him off so patience may be running thin with Belphie

-Like Levi, there may be a lot of ice between the two from then onwards so it won’t be easy for them to find the middle ground in this whole argument either

-It could lead to a strained relationship if no one intervenes or even a physical fight if the youngest pushes all of Mammon’s buttons properly

Diavolo:

-The Future King feels guilty too, for some reason

-He is clearly not involved but he’s under the impression his party was a catalyst of sorts to the fight that broke out that night

-Diavolo wasn’t even in the same room when it happened-he heard shouting and growling from next door whilst talking to a noble about future arrangements in DevilDom and rushed in

-The sight was something to behold really; Mammon cornering all of his brothers and threatening them with pure venom in his voice wasn’t something you saw everyday

-More often than not, it was the other way around so the Prince had every right to be concerned

-He tried asking Lucifer what was going on after the second eldest slammed the door shut behind him and left but to no avail; the Avatar of Pride was in a state of shock and the only thing he did was apologise to him about a million times before his departure with the rest of his siblings

-Despite his worry, Diavolo tried not to get involved in the aftermath either, believing it’s not his place to interfere and hoping they would solve it out amongst themselves

-He did give Mammon permission to miss RAD classes for that week, thinking a small break is what he needed most

-Even drops by every now and then to check up on him (he just asks you how he’s holding up because he doesn’t want to pry)

-He can’t do much but watch from the sidelines, I mean this is a family dispute so it would be wise to just give them all a bit of space

-If it drags on for too long, however, he will be forced to do something because the brothers are all distracted and can’t get on with their student council work because of it

-Lucifer is even more stressed than usual and can’t even focus during their meetings so for the sake of his friend, if nothing gets resolved quickly, he will intervene and it won’t be pretty

-For now, he’s counting on you to make sure there are no further incidents but it’s unlikely you can stop a train once it’s set in motion so just hope Mammon doesn’t come out of his room until he’s calmed down

Barbatos:

-The butler is a Time Lord so it’s probably no surprise to find out he already knew this was going to happen eventually

-Not like he believed Mammon was going to take his brothers’ insults for much longer anyway

-Being the quiet and observant demon he is, he’s been keeping a close eye on the Avatar of Greed knowing damn well he was going to lose his patience soon enough and go on the offence

-If he knew this was going to happen at such an important moment in time, he would’ve warned his majesty beforehand but he failed to see the potential catastrophe awaiting his breakdown

-Again, he has no right to intervene

-Unless, of course, Lord Diavolo asks him to do so but really the most he can do is give you tips on how to deal with miserable demons

-I mean, you’re the one that’s going to be stuck with them for the rest of the year and this isn’t the type of conflict that gets resolved too easily

-Barbatos is clever so if there is still bitterness between Mammon and his siblings after an amount of time passed, he might try to change timelines (with the permission of Diavolo)

-He’s had enough of Beel coming over to eat his cakes and cry about his older brother hating him (believe it or not, the butler is definitely a bit fond of the sixth eldest so his cries did pull at his heartstrings)

-Basically, in the same position as the Prince

-He relies on you to get them all to make up but he knows it’s not likely to happen any time soon

-For now, he’s getting ready for the chain reaction this fight set in motion because there was no easy way to end this, considering they’re all vicious demons and all

—————————————————————-

Al~ im mad I couldn’t add Simon, Luke and Solomon-I want to write for them too >:(

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door-insurance · 2 months ago

Text

Okay sorry for the long read

Hello I’m the original creator of the comic

Im relieved that people actually got the actual message of the comic; it’s not that people are incapable of change or that you’re a bad person for falling down a certain pipeline and getting out of it

It’s about how you present that information to people, this comic was created out of frustration and discomfort with the online trans space at the time

(And please dont tell me to interact with the trans spaces offline, we have none here)

I got sick of seeing the same tired “hahahha I was so racist before I came out” or “hahaha who else had a Nazi phase before coming out?” memes cause queerness doesn’t magically erase whatever prejudice you got, I even had someone come to me and say:

“You know I used to think that people like you (arab) were all terrorists who wanted to stone gays like me…

But I don’t think that way anymore :)”

Why are you telling me this?? Who tf brought that up??

… It made me uncomfortable in a way I couldn’t explain so I made a comic about it

It wasn’t something that you can just drop on someone out of the blue, especially if they were part of the population your bigotry targeted

But unfortunately there were some people who misunderstood/misconstrued the point and victimized the trans white caricature (neglecting the obvious discomfort of the trans poc stand-in), tried to insinuate that the comic targeted people for falling down a pipeline when it was always about communication and presentation.

(Believe it or not when I said at the time that I believe that people change, I had some get mad at me for saying that???

Twitter I swear)

It’s not something to be bragged about

I’ve also seen people bring up my own history with falling down the anti-sjw pipeline, it’s not something that I’m shy about or tried to hide and I made a comic about it once that celebrated the fact that people can change- I just dont drop that on people unexpectedly

(I was also disturbed when I saw someone claim on Reddit that I had a Nazi phase of my own????? You don’t have to like me or my work but don’t make up harmful lies like that)

There’s one criticism of the comic I found myself agreeing with over the years and it’s the fact the caricature does come off as transfemme coded when my intention was to have them be androgynous (oversized hoodie to hide body, long-ish hair)- and I apologize for that, I’m sorry for contradicting myself, I made that comic to address miscommunication but I wasn’t careful as I should’ve been with the presentation

It is the only thing id like to change about this comic

It is never my intentions to demonize transfemmes or perpetuate transmisogny, I’ve dedicated a good portion of my comics celebrating their joy, tenacity and love

Im honest to god so sorry for that

————

I stopped doing the comics last year I think and I’ve been reflecting on them lately, there were some misses and a lot of hits

this one was important to me and a lot of trans people of color- I would like to thank op and everyone who engaged with this post for not going out of your way to misconstrue the original message

The fact that this is so common that having a "nazi phase" is, like, a recognized thing. It's weird man. Why are we pretending that's not weird. What's going on there

#my comics #Nazi phase

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butwhatifidothis · 3 years ago

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So if it is MEANT to be a villain route...Why are the villanous actions NEVER ADDRESSED by ANY of the characters outside of "Huh. I wonder if there was a better way to do this."

Why did they have Rhea go insane and torch a city? Why make potray Rhea as a villain when you could potray her as the hero whos genuinely trying to do good? Why have a majority of the characters still be able to be recruited regardless of if it makes sense? Why have the ending narration mostly be possible? WHY have Edelgard succeed and somehow turn her tyranny into a society that "ensures a free and independent society fot all."

If it's REALLY a villain route, why is there not a single character ending mentioning things like rebellions and conflict? Hell, the ending narration shows not a hint of villainy and potrays its ending as heroic.

"Embracing her newfound power, Edelgard could at last set about destroying Fódlan's entrenched system of nobility and rebuild a world free from the tyranny of Crests and status."

Again, if it was TRULY meant to be the villain route, it would have been POTRAYED as such. Instead of a villain route, we got "A route where one of the villains is made the protagonist and her views and villainous actions are never questioned OR addressed and outside of the conquest and starting the war, everyone is mostly happy."

Alright so this is going to seem like a nonserious answer, but I'm 100% serious when posting this image as part of a genuine answer to this question:

On CF, your actions are never addressed because of ignorance. On the surface, your actions seem like they've helped Fodlan, but as soon as the player looks any deeper it starts to become evident that something isn't right.

If Edelgard made a free and independent society for all, why are the people spied on in Hubert's ending with Dorothea? Why are rebellions secretly being put down in his ending with Shamir? That's not free, in a general sense or from specifically tyranny. That's a direct contradiction from two of the characters that can only be played on CF, and this is only found on CF.

Rhea is portrayed as a villain because she is Nabatean, and Edelgard hates Nabateans, and you are playing a route that emphasizes her ideals - which include wiping out all of the inhuman, bestial, vile, cruel Nabateans that have been plaguing humanity’s world. Rhea goes insane on CF because unlike all of the other routes, where the player and the lord never go out of their way to trample and spit on their enemies' trauma, that's what you are doing the entire time you play CF to Rhea - for months once Byleth returns, and that’s being extremely generous and not counting the entire war. You help drive Rhea and the other Nabateans away from their homes when taking over Garreg Mach - like Nemesis did to Rhea after the Red Canyon Massacre! You're helping someone try to kill off the rest of her people - like Nemesis did at Zanado! You're trying to kill Rhea with the Sword of the Creator, her mother's mutilated corpse - like Nemesis did! You're doing so with the descendent of Wilheim - spitting on the legacy of the one human Rhea could trust during the War of Heroes! You're literally recreating the single worst moment of Rhea's life, all so that you can help the one who views her as less than human.

Portraying Rhea as "the hero who's genuinely trying to do good" goes against Edelgard's viewpoint of all Nabateans being evil, and you're never meant to question Edelgard or make her change her beliefs. You as the player are actively discouraged from talking back to Edelgard, as she will noticeably get upset whenever you do - many times you will even lose support points with her, and this is especially bad for specifically Edelgard because you have to get to a certain support level with her to enter her route, with you having less chapters to do so because she won't talk to you until after Byleth achieves the Sword of the Creator in Chapter 4.

Look at how Rhea, Dimitri, and Claude are portrayed on CF. Rhea and Dimitri are demonized, while Claude is given some leeway from Edelgard. Now notice who of the three of them always speak their minds over Edelgard's villainy to her face, and which of the three of them bends to Edelgard's view of them as the bad guy. Dimitri and Rhea never allow themselves to bend to Edelgard - they call her out and call her actions evil. Claude, on the other hand, will remove himself from Fodlan and then afterwards make himself out to be a bad guy whom Edelgard managed to take down. He puffs up her ego, and he gets to live, while the two that don't must die. Edelgard is the one always out for the kill, and only by submitting to her is anyone allowed to live - which, I don’t think needs to be said, isn’t very heroic of her.

I've had my fair share of complaints over the characters that can be recruited over to CF, but even with those complaints... look at how those characters behave on CF. None of them are Felix levels of negative character development, but they all act noticeably worse on CF vs how they are on the other routes. To name some notable examples: Ignatz goes from wanting to paint Garreg Mach as it stood five years before to preserve its beauty to wanting to paint the violent downfall of the Alliance, Lysithea wants to abandon House Ordelia, which is in direct contrast to her core character motivation, Ingrid is willing to throw away her lifelong dream of being a knight of Faerghus, which she herself says is her spitting on her dead betrothed’s dreams, Leonie works with Jeralt’s killers, etc. etc.. And mind, CF is the route that locks out the most units - there's the obvious ones like Dedue and Gilbert who were already route exclusive, but then there's Seteth and Flayn, Catherine, Cyril, and Hilda. CF is the only route to have even non-exclusive units be completely unavailable no matter what.

Edelgard doesn't make a society that is "free," like I said above - having a secret police monitor the people's actions, or is ready to put down anyone who tries to rise up against her, is literally the opposite of free. Edelgard can and will ban plays she doesn't like - not free. Edelgard only allows state-sanctioned religion, if she does allow it - not free.

CF is a route that wants to make the player believe the lie that you're not the villain, because you are playing from the perspective of someone who herself doesn't think she's the villain, but like. Look at what you're doing. You're invading two countries for the express, explicit purpose of taking them over and making them your own. You're working with someone who's been trying to reunite Fodlan back under Adrestia as early as the prologue when she tried to have Dimitri and Claude assassinated. You're helping TWS. Your Imperial presence makes Church people flee - which, given that Edelgard wants Rhea and those involved with the Church dead, I don't blame them. You're working with someone who is starving her people so that she can carry on with her war.

CF lies to the player - Edelgard lies, constantly. She says she's willing to let Rhea live, but literally the scene before she says she seeks to fuckin' Exodia Rhea. She lies about Arianrhod. She lies - or is flat-out wrong, which isn't much better - about the Church hoarding wealth and about the Church splitting up the Empire. She lies about not knowing about TWS pre-ts. She helps spread the lie of Duscur being the ones who killed Lambert. She lied about not knowing where Flayn was when she was kidnapped. She lies to her people by making them believe she’s making the orders during the war, not Byleth. There's a student who doubts all of what Edelgard says right before the timeskip happens and who isn't sure about his decision to stay, and then there’s a man who calls Edelgard “a tricksy one” on the last explore section for lying about attacking the Kingdom capitol. She’s wrong about the history of Nemesis and Seiros, calling Nemesis killing all of Rhea’s family a “simple dispute.” She lies to her people about an entire war against a group who just a little bit ago were her allies. Lies and ignorance are staple points to CF as a route, it’s baked into it, so the idea of the CF going “oh no you totally are the good guys” literally as the city burns down around the players doesn’t come from nowhere.

And like... the ending narration “shows not a hint of villainy?” Um.

Her stepping on the flags of the Alliance and Church? Her recreating a painting of Napoleon - that little known imperialist - down to the hand of justice? Her denouncing gods constantly and then being ushered in by a statue with heavy resemblance to Nike, Goddess of victory? Hubert plotting away from the sight of the rejoicing people? Yeah, there’s a lot of hints to villainy.

Again, CF isn’t “portrayed” as a villain route because it’s you falling for the lies of Edelgard. You have a wool over your eyes. You accept everything Edelgard says as fact, even when she actively contradicts herself - sometimes as radically as in back-to-back scenes. You view yourself as a savior to humanity, even when you plunge it into darkness. You don’t think you’re the villain, so your actions aren’t going to be put in an explicitly villainous light - at least, not by anyone on your side.

This post showcases the difference between non-recruited characters fighting non-CF!Byleth vs CF!Byleth. Characters are mostly saddened by having to fight Byleth in the former, while they are mostly betrayed on CF. Byleth is very clearly seen as being wrong for having sided with Edelgard on CF by the non-recruited characters - Edelgard’s actions may not be directly criticized (save for by Dimitri and a few others), but it makes no sense for these characters to be this shocked and betrayed by Byleth siding with her if her actions were so good. Leonie deadass calls you a traitor to Jeralt, Ingrid says that you are not fit to rule Fodlan specifically for siding with Edelgard and the Empire after all she and they have done, and Dimitri questions you as to why you chose Edelgard and her “savage, bloody path,” just to name a few notable examples. You, as the player, are being criticized for siding with Edelgard. You say that the villainous actions are “NEVER ADDRESSED by ANY of the characters,” but what else are these reactions but characters addressing your villainous actions?

And like... “a route where one of the villains is the protagonist” bro that’s a villain route. Like. I’m not trying to be mean, but I am genuinely confused as to what you were trying to get at here.

Like. In a vacuum? I might can get the idea of CF not being a villain route a little better, were it the only route available (though even that is a very big stretch). But you have three whole other routes where there’s no conquest, there’s no working with TWS, there’s no using Demonic Beasts, there’s no killing/exiling the remaining (immediately known) Nabateans, there’s no continuous and long-standing lies that never get outed, the lords never stay flat out wrong about the events of the game, non-recruited characters aren’t shooting Byleth up the ass with accusations of being a traitorous lemming who’d follow Edelgard off a cliff... and they achieve peace. Those endings, with Dimitri Claude and “Rhea” (SS ain’t really her route even though it should’ve been but ye), lack the following in any of their endings:

Censorship

Spying on the people

Constantly putting down rebels in secret

State-sanctioned religion

(mind, this last one is in direct contradiction to CF’s ending narration that says that Church is destroyed)

None of this happens on AM, VW, and SS. They all have peaceful endings. They all have Fodlan see the light of dawn, and that is never contradicted in their endings. CF is the only route to have all of these things happen in it - I think that’s enough for it to be considered a villain route lol

#ask #anon #anti edelgard #Anti-edelgard #Edelgard discourse #Edelgard critical #just to be safe #Again really hope I don't come across badly and I'm sorry if I do!#like. I do see where you're coming from! A lot of times villain routes acknowledge you to be the big bad meanie bobeenie!#at least more directly than CF does - because CF does! Through the non-recrutied characters and through the subtext!#sure you can miss out on the former if you manage to recruit everyone but the latter is always present!#Fodlan is in a noticeably worse state in CF than on the other routes and you are actively questioned as to why you joined [lord's] side #by some of the characters you CAN'T recruit (Dimitri; Catherine)#which doesn't happen on the other routes - the other character just wish that Byleth chose them or don't want to fight Byleth #plus there's all of the actions you commit/are complicit in on CF vs the other routes #it just isn't flat out in your face with it because like... Edelgard doesn't view herself as the villain. A Byleth who chose to walk with #her doesn't view her as the villain - even while knowing all oft he heinous shit she's been a part of #so if Edelgard doesn't view herself as the villain and this Byleth doesn't view her as the villain and everyone trusts Byleth's word #who on your side is going to call you out?#hope I'm making sense!

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dathen · 3 years ago

Text

Does Jon deny all the statements/the Supernatural ROUND EIGHT: TMA 36-39

At last...the final installment I procrastinated on as I got caught up in my s2 relisten. And the thrilling conclusion!!

- TMA 36 - Taken Ill: “Another tale full of dead ends,” Jon says. The lack of documentation and corroborating evidence for this one was notable even to Sasha, but Jon notes that “based on this statement, that’s not necessarily a point of incredulity.” AND THEN!! This entire last paragraph deserves attention!!

Still, there’s a lot here that puts me in mind of other statements. Something in the way Ms. Baxter talks about fear. I can’t help but be reminded of statement 0142302, how Jane Prentiss talks about her own fears. And the old man and his companion… who does that remind me of? If he wasn’t dead, I’d think it might have been Trevor –

Jon, is your academic detachment fleeing you again? Did you forget that you’re supposed to be pretending not to believe these? Look at you comparing the vibes of the statement to one you’ve already stated you believe (and for the correct entity too!), working off your gut feeling again! Look at you making connections to statement-givers that it took me three listens to catch! These are not the words of a dismissive researcher. Conclusion: Not dismissed, connected to other statements.

- TMA 37 - Burnt Offering: Jon admits that there’s no evidence that would require that this incident is supernatural, but doesn’t go so far to say it isn’t. Despite the lack of definitive corraborating support, Jon concludes shakily, “I have no idea what this means. I have no idea what any of this means. I’m...very tired.” Conclusion: Not dismissed.

- TMA 38 - Lost and Found: The last statement of season 1!! Here, Jon is clearly on the way to supporting it: “Before I dig too deeply into the background of this statement, I feel I should mention something that puts much of it in a slightly different light.” He then brings up the half-empty marriage license, then goes on to talk about Salesa as the source of many of the items in Artefact Storage--which he and his fellow professed-skeptic Sasha easily agree is full of genuinely supernatural items. Conclusion: Supported.

TMA 39 AND CONCLUSION

Throwing the rest under a cut as I tie it all together!

Let’s look at both Martin’s accusation and Jon’s response.

Martin: Why do you do that?

Jon: Do what?

Martin: Push the skeptic thing so hard? I mean, it made sense at first, but now? After everything we’ve seen, after everything you’ve read! I hear you recording statements and you just dismiss them! You tear them to pieces like they’re wasting your time, but half of the ‘rational’ explanations you give are actually more far-fetched than just accepting it was a...a ghost or something. I mean for god’s sake, Jon, we’re literally hiding from some kind of worm…queen…thing, how-- how could you possibly still not believe?

“It made sense at first” is a very curious comment here. If you look back over my past posts, Jon is more critical of the earlier statements, but Martin thought that approach made sense. However, more recently, Martin feels Jon has gotten more vicious and more in denial. There’s a few important things to note, here:

- As I noted in my previous entry in this series, Jon flat-out stated that he knew the “worm queen thing” was supernatural. Apparently, Martin hasn’t listened to this statement, which in turn shows that Martin isn’t listening to 100% of Jon’s recordings.

- Jon is also recording dozens of false statements. Which--as time goes on--he is more and more sure they’re false. As soon as something starts recording to the laptop, the “this is fake” sign starts flashing in Jon’s brain. He’s trying to be kinder to Martin and not take his stress out on him, so imagine him unleashing all his stress and fear by ranting about the statements he knows are lies, or pranks, or superstitions, or “I think my weird neighbor is a cultist,” or “I had sleep paralysis but I’m pretty sure it was a demon,” or conspiracy theories... Martin is hearing all of this! Martin doesn’t have the Beholding instinct of feeling the weight of a god’s gaze on his back whenever a Real Statement is being read! He’s hearing Jon snarl and snark about a good 98% of what they record, and it’s a matter of chance for whether he even listens to the 2% that were caught on tape--and that we hear in the show.

- Martin was really, really worked up about the Carlos Vittery statement. Just like what happens with a lot of listeners, that one no doubt stood out in his mind as the #1 example of “Jon comes up with bullshit explanations to brush off stuff that is OBVIOUSLY weird” that would easily overshadow more rational follow-ups like “this person admitted to drinking heavily that night.”

So what is Jon confessing to?

Jon: Of course I believe! Of course I do. Have you ever taken a look at the stuff we have in Artefact Storage? That’s enough to convince anyone. But...but even before that… Why do you think I started working here? It’s not exactly glamorous. I have… I’ve always believed in the supernatural. Within reason. I mean...I still think most of the statements down here aren’t real. Of the hundreds I’ve recorded, we’ve had maybe thirty, forty that are…that go on tape. Now, those, I believe, at least for the most part.

Martin: Then why do you--

Jon: Because I’m scared, Martin! Because when I record these statements it feels…it feels like I’m being watched. I… I lose myself, a bit. And then when I come back, it’s like like if I admit there may be any truth to it, whatever’s watching will…know somehow. The skepticism, feigning ignorance... It just felt safer.

Here, Jon is repeating what we’ve seen the whole time: that he never said he doesn’t believe the supernatural, as we’ve seen from how up-front he is about the danger Leitner tomes pose, and how much effort he makes in the follow-up. The difference is that after a certain point he knows which are and aren’t real right off the bat--

--but doesn’t admit it.

It isn’t that he’s accusing them all of being fake, it’s that he KNOWS they’re true, but Hive is the only one where he admits “I know this is true because I can feel it.” He’s feigning ignorance--pretending that he doesn’t know in his gut that those 2% are real. That’s where the professional skepticism comes in, which genuinely is part of his job! He’s relying on his skills as a researcher, using corroborating evidence and follow-up to verify the likelihood of a statement being a prank, a lie, a misunderstanding, or something genuinely paranormal.

In reality, Jon feels the weight of those eyes on him the moment the tape recorder clicks on, and has to pretend he doesn’t know right away that it’s real.

#tma #the magnus archives #jonathan sims #tma spoilers #martin blackwood #skeptic jon series #tma meta

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