#i realized that pretty much all of the commenters

[mayakern]

I honestly don’t know how to write this; I have spent all week attempting to figure out what to say.

Last Monday I was informed by our factory that our merchandiser and direct point of contact with the factory passed away unexpectedly two weeks ago. She was someone who I have spent a great deal of time speaking to ever since we switched factories two years ago. She helped us realize designs for new products, sent us samples of garments extremely quickly and kept track of all our orders. She went to bat for us if something went wrong with our print shop or if I was unhappy with how a garment pattern was interpreted by their team. As their first American client and a brand that focuses on size inclusion, something that is not typical of their other clients, she handled a lot of crazy requests from us without blinking and she was dedicated to ensuring that both us and our customers were happy. We talked nearly every day, and though it was work related she was one of the kindest people I have had the pleasure interacting with daily.

She was beyond dedicated to her work and to working with us. Turkey has an 11-hour time difference from me in California, which means when she was emailing me at 2pm in the afternoon it was 1am there. You can sure bet that I extended her the same courtesy and tried my best to answer her emails at night too, even when I would rather just be sleeping.

It was also clear just how much she loved her job, and now much she loved you guys. She had been silently watching our social media since we first started working with them. She got just as excited as we did on launch days and would often email me unprompted about how she was glad people were leaving such positive comments and reviews. She read your feedback when no one ever asked her to do that or even expected it of her. She did it because she really, really cared.

Even though she was miles away and we never met in person, she was like a coworker to me and the loss of her is like losing someone on our team.

The Maya Kern team, as a whole, has been dealing with a lot lately. I personally just moved (which took far longer than we expected) and Maya and Devin are gearing up to move back to Minneapolis pretty soon. With the loss of our merchandizer, it has taken the wind out of my sails a little bit. I was trying to push through, even though I am exhausted, and carry out the photo shoot for our new products this weekend, but it has become clear that my body just can’t handle it. My arthritis has finally told me to stop moving, so unfortunately, we are going to have to reschedule the shoot for later on.

We are doing everything we can to make sure our next product drop on the 21st still happens. But as of right now, due to this sudden loss, the garments haven’t even shipped from the factory yet and I am not optimistic that they will clear customs and get checked into the fulfillment center in time for the launch. This means the drop is likely going to be pushed back to December 5th and instead of a full photo shoot, we will probably have to settle for taking quick photos of everyone at home, and likely with our phones. 

We work really hard to deliver not just garments we believe in, but also pictures of said garments on bodies that our customers can relate to, and unfortunately I just do not think that is possible this time. As always, we really appreciate your patience and understanding during what has been a very difficult time for us.

Ash

Chief Operations Officer

[zyafics-recs]

i know this gonna break my heart... sigh... taking deep breaths... let's go ⬇️

It was almost easy, something he wouldn’t have believed a few years back when everything he touched seemed to go up in flames. There’d been a time when he was just too much—angry, impulsive, doing all the wrong things for all the wrong reasons.

first and foremost, i love the characterization of rafe. something about ur interpretation of him feels so lively and real, especially because it relates to his canon. when i was reading thru his thoughts, i was like, woah, rafe would act this way.

He’d been selfish, reckless, it was intense, way too intense, and when you fought, it was like you were both throwing grenades, just waiting to see who’d blow up first. You’d pushed him away, he’d pushed you harder, and you’d both crossed lines that should’ve never even been close.

i love the line throwing grenades, waiting for who to blow up first. ur metaphors have always been some of my favorites, so i always love highlighting and pointing it out <3

Rafe didn’t know what the fuck to feel when he got the news. He knew what he was supposed to feel, right? He’d done it before with his mom, now it was his dad’s turn. The man who had raised him, the one to teach him everything he knew about how the world worked, even if it wasn’t pretty. 

i love the turn of internal conflict, that rafe - who has always been loyal as a dog to ward - can have his own conflicting emotions about his father

Ward was a hard man, a strong man. The kind of guy who commanded respect, even if he didn’t always show it the way others might expect. But that’s the thing, he was a man of respect.  To Rafe, that meant something. Everything

but at the end of the day, rafe recognizes that he has to set his father on a pedestal because that's all he's ever done. all he'll ever do.

At first, it was subtle—small things. He’d catch you looking at him like you didn’t quite get him anymore. You’d pull away when he needed you to listen, when he was ranting about Ward, and even though you tried to hide it, Rafe could see the dissociation.

that actually hurts, the idea that you're dissociating, going somewhere where he can't follow u? oh the miseryyy

He wasn’t perfect, but he was the only father Rafe had ever known. He was gone all of a sudden and that was what had hurt the most—knowing he’d never get the approval he’d always been chasing, even when he was clean, even when he was doing better. There was no fixing that. 

i love u pointing out the validation-seeking 🙂‍↕️

Three weeks after the funeral he spent his days surrounded by a few bottles of scotch he’d stolen right out of his dad’s stash. Who was gonna stop him now, anyway? He almost laughed. Three years clean. Shit, that was something, wasn’t it?

this is such a bitter moment, but it's also shows how rafe just reverts back to his younger self in the presence of his father. that even if ward's death, he will continue to haunt the narrative. also, "shit, that was something, wasn't it?" was such a bitter realization.

Every time he saw himself— on a window, mirror, whatever—he had a drink in his hand, and something about it just felt terrifyingly right.

HE SAW HIS FATHER

Half the people were staring, too. Waiting to see if he was gonna go off, if he was back to the same volatile Rafe he used to be, the one they loved watching spin out. And just when he thought he could ignore it, some random pogue, scruffy, half-drunk, threw out a comment loud enough for the whole group around him to hear.

i love the depiction of seeing rafe as nothing more than a prop, an entertainment for the rest of the kooks. it gives u this zoo-like viewing of rafe rather than human.

It didn’t matter that he was twice as drunk as he should be; all that mattered was the way his father’s name was rolling off this nobody’s lips.

he's so protective over his father

“And you,” you called out, enough to silence the chatter around you. “Keep your fuckin’ mouth shut.” 

I LOVE HER FOR THIS SOMETHING ABOUT THIS OWNS MY HEART

You took a step forward, finger pointed at your chest, “Don’t I? Because I remember standing in this very house, watching him tear you down every chance he got. You’re so busy mourning this man who treated you like shit, that you’re pushing the people who care about you away. It’s not just me. It’s everyone.”

she's real and she should speak on it

“Don’t you dare roll your fucking eyes at me,” you retaliated, stepping up beside him. “I stood by you through all of it, I’m not gonna stand here and watch you kill yourself because of him. He’s the reason you felt like you had to be so perfect all the time, why you’re always trying to prove yourself to people who don’t deserve it. And now he’s gone, and you still can’t see it. You’re still trying to be good enough for him!”

i love her but god that must've hurt

His breath was shaky, too fast, but he didn’t care. “So now I’m blind, huh? I didn’t see you sneaking out the door when I needed you? I didn’t notice how you pulled back, how you stopped giving a fuck about me? You’re just waiting for me to give you an excuse to leave.”

i love that he only picked up the things that he hears, not the fact that he's blind to see it, but rather accusing him of being "dumb"

His breath was shaky, too fast, but he didn’t care. “So now I’m blind, huh? I didn’t see you sneaking out the door when I needed you? I didn’t notice how you pulled back, how you stopped giving a fuck about me? You’re just waiting for me to give you an excuse to leave.”

he has such self-destructive tendencies omg

“Don’t. Don’t you dare try to make this about me,” he spat, the words ugly in his mouth, it felt like they were scraping their way out of him. “You don’t get to make me the villain in your story just because you’re tired of playing my fucking hero.”

i love their arguments so much, because it's so bitter, and resentful, and sharp and it cuts so deep. that's one of my favorite things about this series, is when they're talking, they're going all in

That shitty plan had gone down the drain once he saw you speed away at that party with absolutely no regard for your safety or Topper’s. He’d seen that wild look in your eyes before—the one that said you were about to burn it all down. Or when your dad’s gala came around, and he couldn’t sleep properly knowing he wasn’t going to be there that year, knowing how you spiraled every time you had to step on that stage.

SOMETHINGS WRONG GO HELP HER

But how the fuck was he supposed to act when the girl who had been everything to him was hurting? 

my favorite line

He blinked, thrown off. “I broke her heart? She broke mine!” He laughed, but it was harsh, bitter. “I did us a favor. We were just—”

he's hurt too (but he's a dick) but he's hurt too 🥹

He had no reason to stay, you’d made it clear as day. He was supposed to be gone—out of your life for good. You’d told him you didn’t need him, he told you he didn’t need you. So why the hell was he still standing here? 

i love the lingering love, especially because i believe rafe to be the type of person who cannot mourn loss whatsoever, he keeps it in his chest forever, when he loves someone, he'll love them forever

“I don’t think that’s the problem,” she murmured, with a knowing sadness. “I think the problem is that you two will never stop loving each other. He’s still hurting from dad’s passing, he’s angry because he doesn’t know how to stop loving you. And you—you’re here, angry that he loved my dad so much, hurt that he left, trying to protect me from him, still worrying about me when you should be focusing on yourself. You’re scared he doesn’t care anymore, and he’s scared you don’t need him at all."

ONE OF THE BANGER LINES OF THIS PART AHHH

“You’re allowed to be someone without him, and you’re allowed to find out who that is.”

oooo i love this, sometimes i be forgetting they're toxic.

💌 — i love love their argument in this one. i love how u manage to capture rafe's essence with this characterization, especially post-ward, because i often don't read a lot of fics with ward being a dead presence but haunting the narrative. and that make rafe's viewpoint so conflicting, especially since he's trying to grieve but come to terms on who his father is. i absolutely love how u build up to their breaking point, because they have all these things festering under the surface that neither are willing to talk about until someone breaks, and that's how their relationship dynamic is. every time we get to see an insider scope of rafe's head, i am amazed, because the way he analyzes things, flowing from one thought to the next, makes sense. he's insecure, he's grieving, he's angry, and all of these emotions are hitting him at full-force and no one is allowing him the proper space to actually deal with them—especially because ward never did. and when their argument was just bitter shots at one another, just to hurt each other, you know it hurt. oh oh, gigi, u amaze and fascinate me so much!!

LOVED YOU AT YOUR WORST - r.c series - SIX

pairings: ex!sweethearts; rafe x thornton!reader; rafe x sofia. chapter warnings: mention of pregnancy; abortion; lack of self-care; drug and alcohol addiction;

Rafe had been clean for the past three years.

Over the course of the year, things between him and you had been smooth sailing. 

It was almost easy, something he wouldn’t have believed a few years back when everything he touched seemed to go up in flames. There’d been a time when he was just too much—angry, impulsive, doing all the wrong things for all the wrong reasons.

He’d been selfish, reckless, it was intense, way too intense, and when you fought, it was like you were both throwing grenades, just waiting to see who’d blow up first. You’d pushed him away, he’d pushed you harder, and you’d both crossed lines that should’ve never even been close.

Eventually, both of you learned to talk instead of shouting, learned when to back down instead of pushing buttons just to get a reaction. You’d gotten better at letting each other breathe. He’d pull back when he felt himself getting heated, and you’d do the same.

It wasn’t perfect; sometimes you’d still get into it, still end up in an argument that felt like old times, but it was different. There were no more lines on the bathroom counter, no disappearing at all hours. 

Until Ward died. 

Rafe didn’t know what the fuck to feel when he got the news. He knew what he was supposed to feel, right? He’d done it before with his mom, now it was his dad’s turn. The man who had raised him, the one to teach him everything he knew about how the world worked, even if it wasn’t pretty. 

Ward was a hard man, a strong man. The kind of guy who commanded respect, even if he didn’t always show it the way others might expect. But that’s the thing, he was a man of respect. 

To Rafe, that meant something. Everything. 

Ward had shaped him, he couldn’t just forget that, couldn’t act like that wasn’t important.

At first, you were there for him, no question. 

He knew you hated Ward, you barely tolerated the thought of him even existing in the same room as you. You spent those first few weeks with him, making sure he didn’t spiral back into the shit that nearly destroyed him. He needed the support, even if he didn’t always know how to ask for it.

You were there, holding it down. You got through it, the late-night talk, but then, you started getting distant.

At first, it was subtle—small things. He’d catch you looking at him like you didn’t quite get him anymore. You’d pull away when he needed you to listen, when he was ranting about Ward, and even though you tried to hide it, Rafe could see the dissociation.

He pretended he didn’t sense it, tried to tell himself you’d come around. 

After all, this was his grief, and no one else was going to understand it the way he did. His dad had been everything to him—maybe not in the way you thought he should’ve been, but that was just the reality of it.

For the first time in years, it felt like you weren’t there with him. It didn’t make sense to him how you couldn’t see it. 

Ward had been a tough guy, sure, cruel sometimes, but he was also a provider, a father who tried to teach him how to survive, even if it didn’t always come wrapped in the right way.

He wasn’t perfect, but he was the only father Rafe had ever known. He was gone all of a sudden and that was what had hurt the most—knowing he’d never get the approval he’d always been chasing, even when he was clean, even when he was doing better. There was no fixing that. 

He wanted to mourn in peace, but no one seemed to understand why Ward still mattered to him, not even Sarah.

Three weeks after the funeral he spent his days surrounded by a few bottles of scotch he’d stolen right out of his dad’s stash. Who was gonna stop him now, anyway? He almost laughed. Three years clean. Shit, that was something, wasn’t it?

He’d had people telling him he wouldn’t make it three weeks, let alone three years. Shit, his dad sure didn’t think he’d get this far. Only you.

Rafe squinted at the amber liquid swirling in his glass, then leaned back in the worn leather of his dad’s old armchair. It felt weird being in here, in his chair, in his office, breathing in that persistent smell of old cigars and varnish.

After the whole “funeral”, with everyone looking at him like he was a wild animal about to snap, this was the only place he could sit without someone judging him.

If you’re so clean, why are you drinking yourself half to death? He took a slow sip, letting it burn down his throat. 

It wasn’t like it used to be, that high that hit fast and hard, and didn’t care if it broke him apart.

This was different, a slower, quieter process.

Besides, he was in control this time. Just a drink, he told himself, fingers tightening around the glass. No powder, no pills. That was progress.

So what if he had to take the edge off? Who wouldn’t, if they’d just said goodbye to their only living parent and had to look at their younger sisters crying like that? 

He was practically swimming in alcohol. Rafe knew he was overdoing it, but he didn’t care.

Every time he saw himself— on a window, mirror, whatever—he had a drink in his hand, and something about it just felt terrifyingly right.

Grounded.

Nobody understood him; they just kept looking at him with that worried face, like he was on the verge of losing it like he used to when he was younger. Maybe he already had.

You watched him—really watched him—and yeah, he could tell you were pissed. He saw it in that little wrinkle between your eyebrows every time he took another sip. But you didn’t say anything. 

Even Wheezie was on his case in her quiet way.

She was hanging around, throwing out old jokes and trying to make him smile, but he barely reacted. She was looking at him like she was scared, as if he was some stranger she was trying not to set off. And he hated that—God, he fucking hated it. So he kept his distance, hoped she would back off, let him get through this his way.

But then came that night at the beach bonfire, when everything changed.

He probably shouldn’t have gone, but he needed to get out and feel normal again—even if that just implied showing up and pretending, he was fine. He dragged you along, flashing that cocky grin you could see right through, but you followed anyway, probably just to keep an eye on him. He could feel it—the way you were watching him, worried as hell, that just made him want another drink.

Half the people were staring, too. Waiting to see if he was gonna go off, if he was back to the same volatile Rafe he used to be, the one they loved watching spin out. And just when he thought he could ignore it, some random pogue, scruffy, half-drunk, threw out a comment loud enough for the whole group around him to hear.

“Guess Ward Cameron finally found some gold he couldn’t buy his way out of, huh? What was he thinking, running off to some country where people don’t just take bribes? Practically killed himself.”

It took everything in him not to lunge right there, but he was too plastered to keep the anger off his face. He pushed his way over to the guy, hands clenched into fists.

“You got something you want to say to my fuckin’ face?”

The guy shrugged, muttering something under his breath, people were looking now, everyone watching to see if he was finally going to give them a show.

Before he knew what he was doing, he was shoving him back, hard enough that the dude stumbled, beer splashing out of his cup. The crowd around them stirred, murmurs, but nobody did a thing—they were just staring, waiting to see the blood spill. He felt tempted to hurt someone, felt that cameron fury crawling up his throat.

It didn’t matter that he was twice as drunk as he should be; all that mattered was the way his father’s name was rolling off this nobody’s lips.

He felt you grab his arm, long nails digging hard enough to pull him back, he jerked his shoulder, trying to shake you off, but you weren’t letting go.

“You’re gonna waste your time on him?”

Rafe gritted his teeth, but you didn’t give him a chance to argue. You hauled him back, forcing him away from the guy, who was still standing there with that smug look plastered on his face. 

“Get out. Now,” you urged him, voice calm but with the tone that even he didn’t want to test. He glared at you, mouth opening to argue, but you didn’t let him get a word in. “Rafe. Now.”

You were mad at him.

It was enough to knock some sense into him, and he let you reel him away, but not before you turned back.

“And you,” you called out, enough to silence the chatter around you. “Keep your fuckin’ mouth shut.” 

There was no bluff, no hesitation, and Rafe watched as the pogue’s smug expression dropped instantly, eyes widening as he realized you were dead serious, your family’s name always had an impact around town, old money and all.

As you dragged him to the car, he muttered that he didn’t need you playing bodyguard, but you ignored it, taking him out of the spotlight he hated but couldn’t seem to avoid.

His head was spinning, his blood boiling, and he couldn’t even look at you, not with how angry he felt.

By the time you pulled up to his house, you got out, guiding him inside with that hard, that silent determination he both hated and admired in you. 

You were there, right behind him with that look on your face—angry, disappointed, like he was missing something big, as if he was the one who didn’t get it.

He stumbled into the bathroom, holding himself against the sink, and before he could even catch his breath, you turned on the faucet and splashed cold water in his face. He jerked back, sputtering, wiping it with the back of his hand. When he looked at you, his anger burned again.

“What the fuck is your problem?” he snapped.

“My problem?” you scoffed head already shaking, “Are you serious?”

“You don’t get it,” he growled, barely controlling the rage, the shame—everything. “You don’t know a fuckin’ thing about him. I had the right to defend him.”

You took a step forward, finger pointed at your chest, “Don’t I? Because I remember standing in this very house, watching him tear you down every chance he got. You’re so busy mourning this man who treated you like shit, that you’re pushing the people who care about you away. It’s not just me. It’s everyone.”

Rafe laughed bitterly, the sound humorless. “Oh, here we go,” he muttered, rolling his eyes as he turned back to the sink, gripping the edge hard enough to make his knuckles turn white.

“Don’t you dare roll your fucking eyes at me,” you retaliated, stepping up beside him. “I stood by you through all of it, I’m not gonna stand here and watch you kill yourself because of him. He’s the reason you felt like you had to be so perfect all the time, why you’re always trying to prove yourself to people who don’t deserve it. And now he’s gone, and you still can’t see it. You’re still trying to be good enough for him!”

He didn’t look at you, didn’t want to see the indignation—or worse, the pity—in your eyes.

“Just stop,” he muttered, but you were past listening.

“No, I won’t stop. I can’t. I can’t keep watching you do this to yourself again. You’re better than this.”

He suddenly pushed himself away from the sink, and turned to face you, his blue eyes practically black with a hurt that was older and deeper than either of you could touch.

“You don’t get to stand there and tell me what I deserve.”

“I know what you deserve.” 

He scoffed, rolling his eyes again, though his face had gone a shade paler. “You think you know everything, don’t you?” he sneered. “Think you know what’s best for me? Get off your high horse.”

“You’re damn fucking right I know better than you do, I’m not the one who’s drowning every night in some pathetic tribute to a man who wouldn’t piss on you if you were on fire.”

He could feel it now, the bitterness you’d been hiding for weeks. It wasn’t just about him drinking himself stupid. It was everything—every fucking thing you’d been ignoring, it had festered between you two while you pretended things were okay.

“You’re the one who’s just tired of me, of everything that comes with me.”

You took a step back, eyes narrowing, but you didn’t flinch.

“What?” Your rage momentarily dialed down, the sound gurgling, “You think I’m tired of you? I’ve been here this whole time, trying to make you see the truth, but you won’t even look at me. You won’t let me in. You’re too fucking blind to notice.”

His breath was shaky, too fast, but he didn’t care. “So now I’m blind, huh? I didn’t see you sneaking out the door when I needed you? I didn’t notice how you pulled back, how you stopped giving a fuck about me? You’re just waiting for me to give you an excuse to leave.”

You opened your mouth to argue, but he wasn’t done.

“You don’t get it! I didn’t need you to fix me, I needed someone to stay. But instead, you—" His voice cracked, the anger choking him up, "Instead, you started to make me feel like I was a b-burden. Some mess you had to clean up. How am I supposed to deal with that, huh?"

You were shaking your head, your eyes had already been filled with tears, your chest suffocating.

“I’ve been here. I’ve been standing right next to you, waiting for you to pull your shit together. I didn’t walk away. You did.

His stomach churned, as if you’d taken every inch of space in his chest and twisted it, just for fun. The worst part was, he couldn’t even argue with you. Not really. He had been so wrapped up in his own shit, so obsessed with keeping everyone out, that he hadn’t even seen how far you’d already gone.

“Don’t. Don’t you dare try to make this about me,” he spat, the words ugly in his mouth, it felt like they were scraping their way out of him. “You don’t get to make me the villain in your story just because you’re tired of playing my fucking hero.”

“I’m not trying to play the hero!” you screamed, stepping closer, your eyes were cold. “I’m trying to help you see that you have to fix this. Not me. Not anyone else. But you. And if you’re so fucking broken you can’t see that, then maybe you really don’t need me.”

The silence that followed was thick, suffocating. Rafe could feel his heart racing, that agonizing coil in his chest, but he couldn’t stop.

“Maybe you’re right,” he said, voice quieter, but just as venomous.

He turned his back on you, walking to the door. The sound of his boots clamped against the wood floor like a countdown.

“Maybe I don’t. Grab your shit and go.”

"Don’t you fucking—" you snarled, but he was already moving, grabbing your jacket off the hook by the door and throwing it your way, “You know what? Fine. Maybe I will.” You shoved that stupid thing on, hands shaking as you yanked the zipper up. “Don’t come running back in two days like you always do. Don’t come crawling back.”

Rafe paused, hand on the doorknob, his jaw clenched so hard you could see the muscle ticking.

He didn’t turn around, didn’t look back at you.

“I don’t need you to feel sorry for me.”

“Good. Because I stopped feeling sorry for you a long time ago,” you replied sharply, every syllable punctuated with weeks of resentment. “What I feel now? That’s just disappointment.”

You watched his shoulders lock up; his whole body wound so tight it was like he was one wrong look away from completely losing it. He didn’t turn around either, even as you slipped out the door, but he knew.

That was it.

Two moths later, almost three, he was standing in front of the ER pacing like a complete fucking idiot after you passed out in his arms earlier.

He’d told himself he’d stay away, make it easy for both of you. 

That shitty plan had gone down the drain once he saw you speed away at that party with absolutely no regard for your safety or Topper’s. He’d seen that wild look in your eyes before—the one that said you were about to burn it all down. Or when your dad’s gala came around, and he couldn’t sleep properly knowing he wasn’t going to be there that year, knowing how you spiraled every time you had to step on that stage.

He had stupidly thought that maybe, one day, you two could still be friends. But today? That shit blew up in his face, for the second time in the span of a week.

He forgot what you could invoke in him when you were standing merely an inch away. He promised himself that he’d moved on, forced to consider that the love of his life might not be someone he could spend his lifetime with. Maybe you weren’t meant for each other.

But how the fuck was he supposed to act when the girl who had been everything to him was hurting? 

No, no, no.

Sofia was what he needed.

Someone who didn’t know shit about his past, who didn’t ask questions he didn’t want to answer. She hadn’t seen him the way you had, hadn’t been there through every drunken rant and punch he’d thrown at the wall or someone’s face, hadn’t heard him rail against his dad or drag himself back from one of his darkest nights. 

She hadn’t called him a fucking idiot when he chose to throw his father’s ashes on the ocean. She wasn’t going to call him a coward for it. She didn’t have a clue about any of it, and that was supposed to be what he wanted.

He looked up at the ER doors for the millionth time in the past hour, his fingers clenched around his jeep keys so tight they left marks on his hand.

It was over between you two. He’d make sure to keep the fucking distance, two whole months. If he didn’t give you enough closure, you’d hate him faster and you’d both get over it. 

So why the fuck was he about to set the whole hospital on fire as he watched John B’s beat up twinkie pull up to the parking area? It shouldn’t have surprised him, but it did. 

Of course you’d call her, his own sister—his father's favorite.

Sarah had always been the golden child, Ward’s little angel who could do no wrong, while he was the family screw-up. Even now, you’d picked her, just like Ward would have. 

He didn’t think before he moved, closing the distance between him them in seconds. 

“What the fuck are you doing here?” He barked right up in her face, daring her to explain herself.

Sarah didn’t back down, though. She just looked up at him with that same cool, level expression she always had whenever he tried to get a rise out of her. 

“I’m here because she called me.”

“She called you?” He scoffed, eyebrows pulling together in disbelief. “You? She called you?” He took a step closer, “So what, you’re her savior now or some shit? Why the hell would she call you if I’m right here?” His eyes narrowed, searching her face like he couldn’t believe it. “Are you kidding me?”

Sarah threw her hands up, a look of pure exasperation on her face.

“Are you dense, Rafe? You’re with someone else! Why would she want the guy who broke her heart to drive her home?”

He blinked, thrown off. “I broke her heart? She broke mine!” He laughed, but it was harsh, bitter. “I did us a favor. We were just—”

“Oh, right. A favor?” Sarah cut in, voice dripping with sarcasm. “That why you’re pacing out here like a goddamn lunatic?”

“Go away. I’m driving her home.”

She stepped closer, her voice steely as she looked him dead in the eye.

“No. She called me, she wants me here. Not you. So do yourself a real favor and go home before you do something even more stupid.”

A breathless chuckle escaped his lips, “She already hates me, Sarah. What’s the fucking harm, huh?” He threw his arms out, as if daring her to come up with an answer that would hurt less. “What’s one more screw-up on top of everything else?”

“You’re real dumb if you believe that. But if you wanna make it worse, then by all means, go ahead. You’ll just prove her right.”

He stayed rooted in place, chest heaving, the conflict ripping him to pieces. His hands shook, his throat tight with words he couldn’t even begin to understand.

But Sarah had already turned her back on him, heading toward the entrance.

“Walk away,” she warned him, looking over her shoulder, “That’s the only thing left for you to do right now.”

Rafe didn’t know why the fuck he listened to her.

It was as if his body had already made that decision for him, understanding that if he didn’t leave right then, he’d end up doing something stupid—something even more fucked up than what he’d already done. His tongue was locked in place, a curse on the tip of his pursed lips, but it never came. 

His feet wouldn’t move, his hands stayed at his sides, and that tightness in his throat wouldn’t let him get a single word out, not one that would make any fucking sense. He hated that. Hated that you still had this kind of control over him.

Hated that he just…felt like something was wrong.

You hadn’t been this frantic, so impulsive since he had to take you home after your sister passed. He didn’t want to remember that night—you damn near threw yourself out of his truck.

But he couldn’t ignore the memory, the desperation on your face, the screams, the fight in his grip as he pulled you by your shirt back inside.

He’d felt like he was holding on to something breaking apart in his hands, something he couldn’t fix but couldn’t let go of either. He’d seen it again in your eyes when he’d caught you earlier at the beach clean-up, the way you’d tried to dodge his stare, voice cracking, legs wobbling when he mentioned the hospital. 

Rafe still felt like he’d swallowed shattered pieces of glass every time he thought about you. And if he could just push it down, if he could just get through one fucking day without looking back, maybe he’d start to forget you.

His feet were glued to the hospital pavement, his heartbeat thundering in his ears. If you were about to crash, if this was anything like before…He didn’t know what the fuck he was going to do.

He had no reason to stay, you’d made it clear as day. He was supposed to be gone—out of your life for good. You’d told him you didn’t need him, he told you he didn’t need you. So why the hell was he still standing here? 

Perhaps because he remembered the last time he’d let you walk out, the way he’d watched you disappear, thinking he was doing the right thing—giving you the clean end you’d both needed.

Maybe that made him sick to his stomach now, thinking of you in there with Sarah, telling his sister things you wouldn’t say to him, letting her be the person he once was to you.

But you’d called her, not him. You’d picked Sarah to be here, and that hurt like a bitch, but it was what he’d asked for, wasn’t it?

This was what he deserved. He told you to grab your shit and go, forced you to leave because that was supposed to make it easier.

He’d impulsively made his choice the minute he’d wrapped his arm around Sofia, pulling her close in front of everyone who’d once known he was yours. He’d talked himself into it. It was the right call, moving on was the only way to finally get you out of his system. 

He was the one who decided it’d be easier to act like he forgot you than to actually try. He thought he could make it easy—pain-free.

Rafe pinched the bridge of his nose as he walked back toward his Jeep. He gripped the door handle so hard he could break it in half if he wanted to, feeling his knuckles strain.

If he let go, if he closed that door and stormed inside, he’d just be right back where he started.

He stared at his reflection in the window, his hardened face staring back. His pulse was pounding in his temples, his gut twisting and turning as he tried to bury it all six feet under—the need to just go to you, to hold your hand or yell at you for making him care so fucking much.

He finally released the death grip he had on the door handle, forcing his fingers to relax, his knuckles still throbbing. He slid into the driver’s seat, the cold leather you’d help him choose, mocking at his skin as he slammed the door shut.

With a quick flick of his wrist, he threw the car into drive, the tires screeching as he peeled out of the parking lot.

He drove like he was being hunted down. He wanted to get as far away from that place as possible, praying the miles between him and you would stop the churning inside him. 

You’ll just prove her right.

He hated her for saying it, hated Sarah for knowing exactly what buttons to push. 

As he rounded a curve, his headlights swept across Topper’s house. Rafe cut the engine and stalked toward the backyard. Topper’s sprawled-out form on a reclining chair, arms crossed over his chest, sunglasses somehow still on evenly.

He stomped up and smacked the end of his chair.

"Wake the fuck up."

He jolted, nearly tumbling off the chair, ripping his sunglasses off and squinting up at him. “Jesus fucking christ, dude, ever heard of calling ahead?”

But Rafe didn’t answer. He just paced, hands in his growing hair, digging into his scalp like he could rip the frustration out of his skull. Topper sighed, propping himself up on one elbow, he didn’t even look at him, just kept muttering to himself, biting his lip, pacing.

“What the hell happened?”

Finally, he stopped, “I need you to find out what’s wrong with your cousin,” he muttered, not wanting to admit he cared enough to ask.

Topper blinked, brow furrowing. “What do you mean, what’s wrong with her?”

Rafe only shook his head, hands on his hips as he stared at the ground. “I don’t know, okay? She just…she’s acting off. And I can’t—I’m not supposed to care, Top. I’m not. I’m with Sofia now, alright? But she’s still…” His voice trailed off, as he scrubbed a hand down it.

Topper tilted his head, eyeing him knowingly.

“Right, yeah, whatever you say. I’ll figure it out.”

If Sarah Cameron didn’t walk through that hospital door within the next three minutes, you’d lose all the courage you’d summoned over the last hours. Or was it just an hour? You weren’t sure how long you’d been lying there, the IV needle taped uncomfortably into your arm. 

Your fingers curled into the thin blanket draped over you, and you wished—desperately—that you didn’t feel so…empty.

Ten minutes later, she strode in with a glance at the door, as if she wasn’t sure if she’d be able to get there on time. The relief on her face when she saw you was reassuring but it only made the confusion in your chest heavier.

She was so different from Rafe, yet still looked so much like him. She sat in the chair by the bed, eyes scanning your face like she was trying to gauge just how bad it was.

“Hi.”

You swallowed, blinking up at the ceiling to keep the tears at bay.

“Thanks for coming.” 

“Of course,” She reached for your hand where it lay on top of the blanket, hesitating for a split second before giving it a reassuring squeeze. “You okay?” 

You felt a laugh bubble up, “Not even a little.”

She let out a small breath and nodded, squeezing your hand again. “I figured,” she said quietly, and you appreciated that she didn’t pretend to have some miracle answer, “I made him leave.”

She’d made him leave.

You could imagine his face distorted with anger.

You wondered if he’d put up a fight or if he’d just walked away,  giving in to his sister in that infuriating, self-pitying silence he’d perfected.

You weren’t going to ask, the less you knew, the better.

“Good.” You were relieved, but it felt bittersweet, “I didn’t want him here.” 

Except your voice shook, like it simply had to let her know you were lying.

You’d been telling yourself for so long that you didn’t need him—that you didn’t want him anywhere near you. But the second you pictured him there, waiting… God, you hated yourself.

Hated that tiny, pathetic part of you that still wanted him to care, even if it was just a sliver of anything that wasn’t anger or flat-out ignoring you.

“He threw a hissy fight, but don’t worry. He’s not coming back.”

You nodded, half in agreement, half in frustration, “He never listens.”

“Especially when it matters,” Sarah added, rolling her eyes. “I swear, sometimes I think he just likes to make things worse for himself. And everyone else.”

You recalled the sound of his footsteps trailing yours earlier, the way his hand had hovered near you when you swayed, the wild look on his face when you told him to back off. He had seemed…hurt. Like he wanted to fix something he’d already smashed to pieces.

“I don’t want to talk about him.”

She respected that—she wouldn’t insist. There was a lot to unpack when it came to Rafe, but you didn’t need to go there right now. She could tell.

"Okay. Do you want to tell me why you called me and not Topper?”

There wasn’t any judgment in her tone—just plain curiosity, confusion. And you couldn’t blame her. If the roles were reversed, you’d be asking the same thing.

You had to bite your lips to avoid crying for the hundredth time that day. You hadn’t planned on telling someone the biggest secret of your life in a public space, or after nearly having a mental breakdown.

Not like this, with the IV in your arm.

"I—" you started, the words tangled in your throat. "I don't trust him," you admitted quietly, "I don’t trust him with this.”

This.

You turned your head to look out the window, the late afternoon light pouring through the blinds, but it never touched the void you felt inside. 

“He’s too close. He wouldn’t get it. I needed someone who could just… not be involved, you know? I mean—You’re still his sister but—”

Sarah’s already frowning, interrupting your pitying party, “Sweet girl, you don’t have to explain your reasons to me. I’m listening either way. I don’t know what’s going on, but I get it, I understand why you’d want to keep him out of this.”

“You’re the only one I can trust to keep this a secret,” you confessed, “If anyone finds out—if Rafe finds out—it’s over. I’m not ready for that.”

A shadow crossed Sarah’s face, her lips pressing into a thin line. She didn’t ask questions about what you meant—about how Rafe had ruined things before. She didn’t need to. 

“I won’t tell him,” Sarah promised, her grip tightening on your skin. “It’s safe with me. I’ve got your back.”

You closed your eyes, breathing out slowly.

This was hard, harder than anything you’d ever done before, and that was saying something considering all the shit you went through when your family died. She had no idea what you were about to say, and you couldn’t help but wonder if it would change everything between you—between you and her, and you and everyone else.

"Sara, I—" The truth choked you once more, cutting you off. You couldn’t breathe.

Your chest felt vacant, something was missing, something that you didn’t know how to fix, but you had to say it. It was the only way out.

“Are you—" she started to ask, but you quickly shook your head. You could hear the hesitation in her voice.

"Just… just let me tell you,” You begged, pushing the words out before you lost them. “I-I’m pregnant,” you finally blurted out, as if confessing it all at once could make it easier.

But it didn’t. 

You didn’t dare look at Sarah right away. 

Your eyes were stuck on the ceiling, blinking rapidly, you didn’t need her to see how much this was breaking you or how terrified you were. You could feel her eyes on you now, and your hand clenched around the blanket, your knuckles white from the lack of circulation. 

Then, slowly, Sarah squeezed your hand again, she was giving you a moment to breathe, even though you didn’t feel like you deserved it.

“Rafe’s?” she asked quietly, confirming what you already knew she understood.

You nodded, not needing to say it aloud; she could sense the truth in the way your chest hitched, how you couldn’t bring yourself to meet her eyes.

“God,” Sarah breathed out, "And you... you want to...?"

You nodded again. She wasn’t asking if you were sure; you could hear it in the hesitation of her question. She was asking if you were ready to make the choice.

“I don’t want this,” you choked out, the tears finally breaking free. “I can’t have it, Sarah. I can’t. I’m not ready for that. I’m not sure I even know what I want anymore," you spit the doubt out with the brokenness you felt, wiping the traitorous tear that traced down your cheek. "I don’t know what to do."

“I’m here. Whatever you need, however you need to do this—I’m here,” she promised, making sure you wouldn’t float away.

“I can’t… I just… I don’t want him to find out,” you managed between shallow breaths. “If he knew, he’d… I don’t know what he’d do. Maybe it’s stupid, but I don’t want him to look at me like… like he owns me something.”

Sarah nodded, not a hint of judgment on her face, “He won’t know a thing from me, I swear. He’ll never have any say in this, not unless you want him to. This is your choice, no one else’s.”

You didn’t know you’d been holding your breath, but it came out all at once in a shaky exhale.

“Thank you. I just… I didn’t know who else I could ask.”

“Hey,” she said, her voice gentle. “This? This is exactly what I’m here for. I’ve got you, no matter what.”

The empathy there, the way she held space for all your broken pieces.

“New Mexico’s clinic rules… they won’t let me go through with it alone. They said I need someone with me.” You took a shaky breath. “I can’t imagine anyone else but you there, Sarah.”

“Then I’ll be there,” she said, without hesitation. “I’ll get the tickets, we’ll go together. And if you feel like breaking down, then break down, because you don’t have to keep any of this in anymore.”

Her words broke something in you that had been holding everything so tightly. The relief, the gratitude— “You’re really… You’d really do this for me?”

“Of course,” she murmured, pulling you close so your head rested against her shoulder, her fingers brushing through your hair soothingly. “Sweet girl, I’d do this a thousand times over.”

“I mean—he’s your brother. I don’t want to mess things up between you two even more.”

She sighed, giving a small, sad smile, almost like she’d been waiting for you to say that. “You think he’s my priority right now? Don’t you worry about me and him, we always figure it out. Trust me, I’m used to it.”

“He might hate me for this. And if he takes that out on you…” You couldn’t finish.

“Listen to me,” she sighed, “I’m here because I care about you. Rafe and I, we’ll always have our issues—he’s stubborn, and he thinks he has all the answers. But that’s our problem. He’ll never have a say over what I do or who I’m there for. Especially not with this.”

You swallowed hard, “I don’t want you to regret it.”

She gave a wry laugh, brushing a piece of hair back from your face. “You don’t have to protect me from him, remember? He’s my brother, yeah, I love him despite all our shit, but I’m not here for him right now. I’m here for you.”

“You’re sure?” you asked, the question a whisper, almost childlike. You were afraid of the answer, terrified she’d eventually pull away.

“Of course I’m sure,” she replied, tilting your chin so you’d meet her eyes. “Whatever’s going on with Rafe will figure itself out—But right now, you need someone who’s all in, no strings, no doubts. That’s me. You focus on you. I’ll handle him.”

You looked down at your hands, fidgeting with the edge of the blanket, “I don’t think he loves me anymore,” you admitted, almost hoping she wouldn’t hear it, “I was so mean when your dad died.”

When you finally looked up, Sarah was watching you with a sad smile, one that made your heart hurt in both comfort and ache. “You really believe that?” she asked quietly, and you could hear the disbelief in her voice as if it was so obvious to her, something you couldn’t see.

You nodded, swallowing down the sting in your throat. “He doesn’t want me, not really. He’s…he pulled away. Like he’d rather hate me than be close to me. He’s with her.” 

The words tasted bitter, and made you want to hurt him twice as bad, but there was finally some relief in saying it out loud.

She sighed, looking down for a second, almost like she was thinking how to tell you something that hurt her to admit.

“I don’t think that’s the problem,” she murmured, with a knowing sadness. “I think the problem is that you two will never stop loving each other. He’s still hurting from dad’s passing, he’s angry because he doesn’t know how to stop loving you. And you—you’re here, angry that he loved my dad so much, hurt that he left, trying to protect me from him, still worrying about me when you should be focusing on yourself. You’re scared he doesn’t care anymore, and he’s scared you don’t need him at all."

Your lips quivered, your heart about to leap out of your throat, your tongue darted out, briefly brushing your lips.

You weren’t sure you should say it out loud, but maybe you had to. “We’re better off without each other, aren’t we?”

“You’re allowed to be someone without him, and you’re allowed to find out who that is.”

You were slipping, falling back into that spiral of guilt and shame, the one that told you maybe this was all you were good for. Maybe Rafe was right to break things off, perhaps he’d realized that, in the end, you weren’t worth fighting for.

And shit, you hated yourself for still caring. For still wanting him to want you, even though you knew it was poison. Even though you knew that being with him, needing him, was only dragging you both down.

“Thank you.”

And as you sat there, in the stillness of that room, with the sunlight dimming outside, you felt that maybe someday you’d be able to trust yourself too. To believe that you were worth more than the heartache you’d come to accept as your own.

TAGLIST: @maybankslover @october-baby25 @haruvalentine4321 @hopelesslydevoted2paige

@rafebb @rafesbby @whytheylosttheirminds

@zyafics @astarlights @bruher @nosebeers @carrerascameron

@serrendiipty @sunny1616 @yootvi @ditzyzombiesblog

@psychocitylights @maibelitaaura @kiiyomei

@stoned-writer @justafangirls-blog-deactivated2

@starkeygirlposts @enjoymyloves @ijustwanttoreadlols @icaqttt

[rafeswhre]

Hi 🙃 could you maybe write a fanfic where rafe gets hurts and reader is patching him up and there’s lots of tension because he’s so stubborn? Thank you 🤗

rafe cameron x fem!reader

warnings: suggestive content but not smut (almost lol), mentions of blood, established relationship!

a/n: english isn’t my first language i’m sorry for any mistakes (specially verbs lmao)

currently it was 1:00 am, lately you couldn’t sleep, so watching your phone in you bed was pretty much the best you could do.

you heard something on your window, which was strange, you turned around to find something but you couldn’t find anything.

again.

and again.

you kinda freaked out so you get up from your bed and slowly walk to your window.

again.

“oh my god” you gasped once you approached the window, then you opened. “are you insane, rafe?” you looked down.

“are you gonna let me in or..?”

“it’s past midnight, rafe!” you moved from your window so he could climb.

he entered your room with a small smile on his face. suddenly you realize that something was wrong.

“what’s on your face?” you got closer to him.

“what? nothing.” he pulled away.

you frowned and you walked to turn on the light in your room, you turned around to look at him.

“oh god, rafe!” you gasped once you watched his face with a cut in his eyebrow and his cheek with a bruise. “what the hell happened to you?”

“it’s nothing, i’m alright.” he sat on your bed.

“rafe, you’re bleeding.” you said in a serious tone.

he touched his eyebrow, looking down at his hand to see his fingers had the tiniest bit of blood on them. “oh...is it really?"

“what is wrong with you?” you frowned.

he rolled his eyes. “nothing is wrong with me...I'm fine. I just got into a fight, you don't have to act like it's a huge deal."

“of course, rafe.” you rolled your eyes and walked to your bathroom, trying to find your medicine kit.

“hey, i’m alright, i can handle it.”

you didn't say anything, you just sighed and kept looking through your things.

“you don’t have to worry, alright? i’ll be fine, i didn’t come here for you to patch me up like a damn puppy.”

“rafe?” you called him out.

“yeah..?” he lifted up his eyebrows.

“shut up.”

he was a bit caught off guard by your sudden tone, but he shut up and went silent like you told him to, not without a sigh and rolling his eyes of course.

in silence, you walked to your bed with everything you needed then you sit in his lap for more access to his face.

his eyes widened as you sat on his lap, his heart rate increasing a bit from being so close to you.

“it’s nothing necessary, i swear-“ he was interrupted by the burning of the alcohol in his eyebrow. “oh, fuck-“ he flinches a bit and winces from the pain of the alcohol on his wound, instinctively putting a hand on your waist as you do so.

“i’m sorry.” you said sadly.

he looked up at you as you apologized, his hand gently gripping your side “it's fine.. just hurts a little, that's all.."

“well, it wouldn’t if you didn’t get into a fight.” you threatened him.

he huffed and looked down, knowing there was no denying that. "it's not like I can help it whenever some guy decides to run his fucking mouth, it's not my fault I act on impulse.."

“it is your fault, rafe.”

“well he shouldn’t have started it.”

you rolled your eyes. “it doesn’t matter, you don’t follow their stupid behavior.”

he looked to other side, pretending he didn’t hear you.

“it doesn’t matter what someone decides to say or do, you’re better than that.” you looked at him. “rafe, baby, i don’t want you to get hurt.”

“i know.” he looked down.

“hey, just promise me you won’t get.. you know.. physical.”

“alright.” he agreed with a small side smile.

you finished curing him, you took his face and gave him a little kiss on his cheek.

“was that supposed to be a reward for me agreeing or something..?" a hint of a smile at his lips.

you giggled at his comment. “no, i just felt like it.”

he smiled a bit at your giggle, he always liked the sound of that. he tilted his head, looking at you for a moment before speaking. “you can always feel free to kiss more than my cheek, y'know.”

“i know.” you giggled again and hide in his neck, cuddling in his lap.

his arms wrapping around you and his chin resting gently on top of your head. his hands gently traced over your back as he spoke again, a calm and quiet tone to his voice now. “someone's awfully clingy today.."

you stepped back moving away from his neck, still wrapping your hands around his neck. “oh, I'm sorry to bother you.” you rolled your eyes.

“i never said it was bothering me, I actually don't mind how close you're being right now" he pulled your hips a bit closer to him, now flush against him.

“hey.. don’t do that.” you jumped a little because of the sudden proximity.

“why not?” he pulled your hips closer again, more firmly this time.

“my parents are home.” you pout.

“oh, right, your parents are home, what a shame.” he said with a sarcastic tone.

“rafe, i mean it.” you smiled.

“i know.” he chuckled faintly, clearly enjoying this, he acted as if he was going to loosen his grip, but instead, he pulled your hips against him more, bringing you right up against his chest before speaking again. “but you still haven't actually stopped me, y'know"

you giggled. “i know.”

he moved his hands up from your hips to your waist, his hands resting there now. “good, so I don't have to stop, right?"

you sigh at the feeling of your hips together. “i don’t know, babe.”

he took note of how you seemed to relax slightly as you were against him, his hands on your waist rubbing gently over your skin now. his tone low as he spoke. “you know, we can still be quiet, right?”

“if my parents know that you’re here they’re gonna kill me.”

he pulled your hair away from your neck to have more access to it. “maybe you just have to keep quiet then, huh? think you can be quiet for me?” he kissed your neck.

“i’ll try.”

he smirked and started sucking softly on a spot of your neck, his hands gently rubbing down your waist and sides in a slow, soft motion.

he pulled your hips flush with his again, now having you pretty much straddling him, his hips gently rolling as he continued sucking on your neck.

“could you touch me?” you sighed.

he continued sucking on your neck for a few more seconds before slowly pulling back, his lips now hovering by your ear as he spoke in a low tone, his hands still rubbing at your sides. “touch you where, baby?"

“rafe, baby, come on.” you said frustrated.

he chuckled again faintly, enjoying how desperate you were getting. he kept his face by your ear, his hands still rubbing you gently, his voice still low and cocky as he spoke. “mmm, you need to use your words, baby... I need to know exactly what you want me to touch"

“you know where..” you were cut off by a knock on your door.

he chuckled again as you spoke before the sharp knock at the door startled both of you. He paused his hands for a minute, a silent dread of being caught hitting him as he whispered low to you. “fuck, that better not be your parents."

“who else would it be, rafe?” you frown at him.

“yeah okay, my bad” he rolled his eyes. “what do i do?”

“sshh” you silent him, the door knocked again. “hey baby are you alright?” your mom said.

both of your eyes widened as you heard your mother's voice.

“oh- yes, mom!”

"Are you sure you’re alright sweetie, I heard some noises.. What are you doing in there?"

“i’m- watching a movie.”

"Honey, you sure you’re okay… Why can’t I come in?” your mom was trying to open the door.

“oh my god, oh my god, rafe! get under the bed, now!” your were about to lose your mind.

he sighed, knowing he had no other choice here and there was nowhere else to hide. he gently pushed you off of him, crawling to the side of the bed, trying to duck under there. “okay, okay, i’m going, i’m going..”

“i’m sorry mom! im coming!” you stand up and open the door. “sooo, what’s wrong, mom?” you smile softly trying to keep calm.

your mom responded, her tone still suspicious sounding. “you were so reluctant to let me in before, it sounded like you were doing something you didn’t want me to see."

“pfff come on, mom! what would i be doing?”

“i’m gonna check your room, okay? let me in.”

“do you really think is necessary? come on.” you heard your dad calling from their room. “see mom? even dad wants you there! go to bed, i promise you im fine”

your mom let out a soft sigh, clearly not wanting to stop her search, but being called by your father.

“alright, alright, fine… I’ll call it a night, sweetie, but, I want no funny business in here, alright?”

your laughed. “alright mom, night!” you sighed and locked your door.

he heard the footsteps fade down the hall and the soft click of the door closing. he let out a soft sigh of relief, crawling back out from underneath the bed, stretching and standing up straight again.

“oh my god, rafe.” you left out air with a laugh.

he chuckled as she breathed out, finding it amusing how close a call that just was. “that was a close one, baby, but you were convincing, I’ll give you that..”

“oh god, i almost passed out.” you collapsed in your bed.

you laughed and sit in your bed. “baby, you gotta go.”

he laughed at your response, knowing he should leave right now. “alright, I should probably go before I get caught leaving… but you looked so damn cute tonight…”

you get up from your bed and wrapped your arms around his neck. “i love you.”

he smiled, wrapping his arms around your body, pulling you closer to him, his tone soft as he spoke. “i love you too, baby… I’ll see you tomorrow, alright?”

“alright, be safe.” you gave him a kiss.

he chuckled faintly, kissing you back. “i will, baby… you get some sleep, alright? You seem pretty worn out..”

“okay, rafe, get ooout!” you laughed.

“alright, I’m going, I’m going..” he slowly untangled himself from your arms, giving you one last quick kiss on your lips before heading to the window.

you smiled after he left, and you let yourself fall into your bed with a sigh.

[naughtyneganjdm]

Love's Second Chance: A Holiday Reunion - Chapter 3

Summary: Joel and Y/N force themselves to get over their tension while they spend time together with their children at the Christmas event. Talking about their past awakens feelings inside of both them that they haven't felt for each other in a very long time.

Characters: Joel Miller, the reader (OC), Negan Smith (mentions), Lydia, Carl Grimes, Peter, Elizabeth, etc.

AO3 Link: https://archiveofourown.org/works/60501985/chapters/154729198

Warnings: 18+, Swearing, Smut, Unprotected P in V, Rough Sex, Car Sex, Public Sex, Grumpy Joel, Loads of Angst, Bickering, Spanking, Slight Choking, etc.

Notes: This chapter starts sweet, but then it just becomes absolutely filthy. Lots and lots of smut. There are also incredible amounts of angst that are in this chapter with the two characters talking about their past together. There is NO Negan in this chapter, but they do talk about him a little bit. Thanks for reading!

Things were quiet. And not the comfortable kind of quiet. When Joel agreed to bring Y/N tonight, he never really considered how weird it would be having her here. It had been a while since they had spent time together like this out with the kids. Sure, Peter and Elizabeth brought two of their friends. Which meant they were distracted, but that also meant that it left Y/N and Joel alone together. Because of how things had been, Joel was uneasy with talking. Then again, he wasn’t really good with talking to begin with. But having an in-depth conversation with his ex-wife didn’t seem like it would be too easy.

“I was surprised that you accepted the offer to come tonight,” Joel walked side by side with Y/N with their children and their friends in front of them. On the ride to the historic village, they didn’t really talk much. The children did most of the talking and they just listened. Once they got in, things were awkward with the silence so Joel did his best to start a conversation. “I thought you would be too tired.”

“You’re surprised that I wanted to spend more time with our children?” she smirked, gazing over at him when Joel rolled his eyes with his own ignorance. Of course she would jump at more time with Peter and Elizabeth. Especially during the holidays. She was a good mother that loved her children very much so thinking back on it, that comment was kind of stupid. Joel shoved his hands into his pockets and she could tell that he was uncomfortable. “I was surprised that you allowed them to ask me to come. I realize that there are things you like doing with them alone.”

“They were pretty insistent,” Joel retorted with a frown, nodding forward toward where there children were looking. The village had old homes and buildings that were decorated to match the year and location of what it would have been like at that time for Christmas. Each section was lit up differently. The children seemed more interested in it than Joel did since he was trying to strike a conversation. “They want us to spend more time together as a family.”

Hearing him refer to the four of them as a family was strange because that wasn’t typical for Joel. Especially over the last few years. There was a clear separation between them with the children and that was something she had grown used to.

“I hate to admit it, but I ate most of the cookies you sent over,” Joel informed her with a weak smile seeing the amusement in Y/N’s eyes. Changing the subject to something more innocent seemed like the only way he knew how to keep the conversation positive. “Once I start eating them, it’s just addictive and I can’t stop.”

“And that’s why you’re getting soft,” Peter blurt out, turning on his heel hearing his father talking about the sweets that Y/N had sent home with him. Joel was surprised that Peter was paying attention to his comments at all since their son had a friend with him. Reaching out, Peter poked Joel in the stomach causing a scoff to fall from Joel’s throat. All four of the children giggled at Peter’s comment. Even though it was dark, Y/N imagined that Joel’s cheeks flushed over with red from embarrassment.

“Just wait until you’re older like me,” Joel grumbled stepping forward to place his hands in over Peter’s shoulders to give them a squeeze. “Sure, you’re skinny now, but once you get to my age you’ll see that it’s not as easy to keep the weight off. I reckon my body is average in the belly area.”

“Not if you keep up eating those cookies like you have,” Peter pointed out with a simple shrug, still working to tease his father. This was their attitude though. Peter and Joel would always give each other a hard time. In fact, Peter reminded her a lot of what Joel was like when he was that age. Except, Peter wasn’t as angry or closed off. Their banter drew Elizabeth’s attention and she also seemed amused with the joke that Peter pulled on Joel.

“Do you think I’m getting fat?” Joel directed the question at Elizabeth, who immediately shook her head and raised her hands up. Trying to opt out of the conversation all together. Elizabeth had no interest in getting into this or getting in trouble with Joel. “Come on Ellie, you’ve always been my biggest sidekick.”

“I’m taking no part in this,” Elizabeth choked back on her words, doing her best to hold her laugh in. All of the children seemed entertained that Joel was getting so worked up over the idea of being softer in the abdomen area. “I fully believe you still could knock out all my friends’ fathers. Does that help?”

“Yeah Mr. Miller,” Elizabeth’s friend blurt out, her head nodding when she gazed back at Joel. Throwing her arm up in the air, she pretended that she was flexing and scrunched up her face. “You have got those guns. So trust me, no one is going to be looking if you have a little bit of a tummy. They are going to be totally distracted by your arms.”

“Thanks Lydia,” Joel huffed, not certain of how he should feel about hearing that. There was the creeped-out factor that Elizabeth’s friends were checking out his body in any fashion. What had started as a joke had become successful in making Joel feel awkward. Especially since they had all confirmed he was a bit squishy in the middle. “I think.”

“Plus a lot of people really like your butt,” Lydia attested causing Peter to groan out at Elizabeth’s friend drawing attention to Joel’s body again. Y/N laughed at the outburst from the seventeen-year-old, noticing that Joel was incredibly embarrassed. “It stands out. And most people very much enjoy looking at it.”  

“That’s not funny,” Joel countered looking over at Y/N who was trying to bite back on her laugh. Just the thought that young girls were scrutinizing his body made Joel uneasy. “You shouldn’t be looking at my…at my butt.”

“Yes, please refrain from talking about my dad’s ass,” Peter scoffed out with a disgusted sound hearing his friend that he brought with him giggling. “Carl, it’s not funny. You wouldn’t want me talking about your mom’s breasts.”

“Peter!” Y/N corrected her son’s behavior watching Peter’s arms immediately fly up in defense of himself. The expression that Peter gave her reminded her of Joel when he was younger and did something cheeky. It almost wasn’t fair how much both Peter and Elizabeth looked so much like Joel. “Don’t say that.”

“I’m just saying Mr. Miller is one of the dads we actually enjoy looking at,” Lydia addressed the situation and Elizabeth eagerly tried to hush her friend. “It’s a compliment. You should feel honored to know that.”

“I don’t…I just…” Joel shook his head, noticing that they had stopped in front of one of the old homes that they were allowed to go into. How the hell was he supposed to respond to that? There was no easy way to respond to something weird like that. “I don’t.”

“Come on,” Elizabeth groaned, dragging Lydia into the house with Peter and Carl following not far behind. By the expression over Elizabeth’s face? She was embarrassed by what Lydia had said too. Under their breaths, the two girls seemed to bicker with one another, but Lydia didn’t seem angry. In fact? She seemed amused.

“You’re one of the hot dads,” Y/N teased Joel, nudging him with her shoulder hearing him groan out. This was not a situation that Joel was comfortable with. And he was probably thankful that they were taking their time in following the children into the home they were walking through. It kept some space from Lydia who had a hard time not saying exactly what was on her mind. “It is a compliment in some fashion.”

“I’m one of the younger dads,” Joel corrected her with a grunt, keeping far back enough so that when he whispered to Y/N only she could hear him. “You’ve seen most of the dads at the school functions. Most of them are a lot older than me. We had Elizabeth when I was twenty. So of course they are going to be drawn to the younger father.”

“Right, and even those that are your age aren’t as good looking as you,” she reminded Joel, lifting her hand to playfully pinch at his cheek. The glare she got from Joel’s dark brown eyes had her laughing out. There was a lot of color in his cheeks expressing just how mortified this whole thing made him. “I’m sorry. I think this is great that you are so embarrassed.”

“Well, I got called fat and then found out that seventeen-year-olds are checking me out. I don’t know how to handle that,” Joel professed, his hand placing in over the lower part of his abdomen seeing her eyes follow his movement. “I used to be ripped when we were younger.”

“I remember,” she noted with a smirk. For a long time Joel was slender and chiseled. As a teen and a young adult, Joel was very athletic and proud of his body. It was hard to forget what he looked like when they had first hooked up. Ahead of them, she saw that the children were surrounding a demonstration in the kitchen section of the house they were in. It was someone dressed accurate to the era showing how they would have made chocolate during that time period. Since they were still in the back, she reached up to playfully squeeze at Joel’s bicep. The movement surprised him, his dark eyes narrowing when he dropped his head down to look at her. “I think your arms are much nicer now. You went from a twink to a daddy.”

“Twink?” Joel repeated what she said, amusement flooding his features. Hearing something like that from her was entertaining. Especially since they hadn’t talked much in a very long time. “I’ll take that one as a compliment.”

“You should,” she still found herself amused that the moment got so awkward between all of them. Instead of continuing on the conversation, she moved in behind the children to watch the demonstration. They allowed someone to volunteer to try and they ended up picking Peter after Elizabeth said no. Of course Elizabeth teased Peter while he did it, but it seemed like Peter was enjoying this more as a teenager than he did when he was a child when they’d bring him here. After they were done, they headed out of the house. Everything was so dark which made it hard for Y/N to notice the patch of ice that was right beneath the last step out of the house. It had Joel reaching out to hook his arm around her waist to keep her on her feet. “Thanks.”

“No worries,” Joel hooked his arm with hers to keep a hold on her so she couldn’t fall. “That’s winter for you. Hidden ice, just waiting for you to fall and break something.”

“Second time I almost died today,” Y/N informed Joel knowing that Tommy had been the cause of the one earlier where Negan saved her. “This morning your brother was supposed to be holding a ladder while I was putting lights up and instead, he ran off after his crush. A gust of wind came through and almost killed me.”

“Tommy has a crush?” Joel probed and she was surprised that was the first thing that came to mind for him. “Sorry, he just…he hasn’t said anything to me about it.”

“Yeah. There is a girl that caught his eye. They are having their first date tonight,” she informed Joel who looked confused considering this was something Tommy obviously never spoke to him about. “I helped Tommy pick his outfit.”

“How?” Joel’s face scrunched up, trying to figure that out. Considering Tommy lived in the same house as him and Y/N had never showed up to the house, he found that hard to believe.

“He sent me a few photos and I told him what would look the best on a first date,” she explained to him seeing the sense of jealousy that flooded Joel’s body. It was hard to miss. Joel didn’t like to hear that she knew something he didn’t with his little brother. “Don’t worry about it Joel. I just…am the more romantic one and I think he views me like a mother.”

“You’re not his mother,” Joel clarified, his eyebrows bouncing up. How quick Joel was to remind her of that made her feel bad. Maybe she wasn’t Tommy’s mother, but she was the closest thing he had to one. She had been his adopted parent longer than Tommy and Joel’s parents had actually been in Tommy’s life.

“Yeah, I know that. But I did adopt him too,” she pointed out hearing Joel sigh in response to that comment. A lot of the time it seemed like Joel had forgotten that she adopted Tommy as soon as she could in order to help Joel keep Tommy from going into foster care. They had to prove that they were a family that worked well together. So she had been right there with Joel to be a good parent figure for Tommy. “I helped you raise him, so I’m the closest thing he has to a mom and a mother figure is the kind of person you want to talk to when you are having your first date.”

Joel was quiet. He didn’t know how to respond to the news. Especially since he lived in the same house with Tommy and he had no idea.

“I’m okay by the way,” she interrupted his thoughts since he hadn’t spoke of the fact she almost died. That statement had Joel’s face scrunching up, confused. “No scratches or anything.”

“I assumed you were okay since you were here,” Joel acknowledged, tightening his arm around hers while they walked together. The children headed up to the next building where it was full of a bunch of activities for them to do. Joel and Y/N stood in the back since it was more so a thing for younger people anyways. “Who is his crush?”

“Maria,” she educated Joel about the woman that his brother was interested in. Joel’s face scrunched up like he was trying to picture a face to go with the name. “It’s the mayor’s daughter. Apparently they ran into each other at the diner one night. They talked to each other all night and really hit it off. I guess they have been going there every night since. He seems really hooked on this girl.”

“That’s not good,” Joel claimed, loosening his grasp on her arm now that they were inside away from any ice. “The mayor hates Tommy. Always did. If he fucks up with this girl…”

“I don’t think he will,” she suggested knowing from the way that Tommy was talking about Maria that he really seemed to like her. “It’s not like Tommy’s past fascinations. You should have seen the way he lights up about her when he talks about her. It’s sweet.”

“My brother falls in love fast,” Joel reasoned with her, grumbling under his breath when she started to walk toward a hallway at the far corner of the building they were in. Following her not far behind, Joel could see that she was looking at the photos that lined the wall. “I don’t understand why he hid this from me. I’m his brother.”

“Maybe he thought you would have tried to persuade him not to do it,” she hinted since Joel was already being negative about things as it was. “I think he just wanted to feel good about this whole thing.”

“Are you saying that you think I make him feel bad?” Joel pointed toward the center of his chest, but instead of answering him she gave him a look that made him huff. “What?”

“Nothing,” she lied looking back to the wall and pointed toward the photo that she was looking at. Considering how heated he was getting about Tommy, she was attempting to change the conversation. The entire hallway was lined up with photos of the village’s staff from each year the Christmas event took place. From the very start all the way to the year before this one. “They put the photos of everyone who works each year in here. This was our first year.”

Stepping forward, Joel’s eyes narrowed when he gazed up on the photo that she was pointing at. Chuckling Joel found himself, Y/N and Negan in the back row of the photo, “I can’t believe our daughter thought I was lying when I said he was one of my best friends.”

Tapping his finger over Negan’s face, he saw Y/N leaning in focusing on the photo where Negan had both his arms wrapped around their shoulders pulling them in closer. It made Y/N smile as she looked to Joel again, “You should have seen her face when I pulled out the photos. How old were we again here?”

“You and Negan were sixteen. If you remember my family hooked us up with the jobs to make us feel a sense of responsibility,” Y/N noticed that the children were moving over toward them after they finished what they were doing. All four of them had candy canes in their mouths when they stepped in around them to look at the photo they were looking at.

“Hey, is this you Mr. Miller?” Lydia pointed toward the photo of Joel seeing him nod. “Look at you. Chiseled jawline and everything.”

“And if you look right next to me,” Joel urged his daughter forward so she could see that Negan was between him and Y/N in the photo. “There is the man that my daughter thought I wasn’t friends with.”

“How was I supposed to know you and mom were best friends with Negan Smith? It’s not like either one of you talked about it,” Elizabeth ranted and the surprised expressions on both Lydia and Carl’s faces drew them to both step forward to tip on their toes to eye over the photo.

“That’s Negan Smith?” Carl seemed shocked when he pointed at the younger version of Negan. “Holy shit. You guys are like cool by association.”

“I was a really good baseball player back then too,” Joel announced hearing Carl laugh before silencing himself when he noticed that Joel was offended. “I was. I was really good at football too. I got a full ride to a college with how good I was.”

“Which college did you go to?” Lydia was curious when she looked back at Joel and he suddenly felt small when she asked him that. Shoving his hands into his pockets, Joel seemed to shut down and Y/N picked up on it immediately.

“Joel’s parents passed away and he had to take care of Tommy,” Y/N answered for Joel hearing him clear his throat uneasily. Why Joel was embarrassed about that always confused Y/N. It was something to be proud of. Joel was a good brother. A good family man. Explaining that to people always seemed to make Joel feel bad. “Joel gave up his life for his little brother.”

“And me,” Elizabeth breathed so quietly that maybe only Y/N heard that.

“You were the hotter one back then,” Lydia suggested with an amused breath, completely ignoring the part about Joel giving his life up for someone else. Moving to the side, they went to the next photo and then found the three of them in the photo again. “How long did the three of you work here during Christmas?”

“I worked here until I was twenty-two,” Joel answered, shifting on his feet when he thought back on their history. “Negan stopped working here when he was eighteen because, well…I’m sure you know his history.”

“Where is he?” Carl stammered when they got to the third photo that included them in it. This time Y/N and Joel were up front, but there was no Negan. Y/N stepped in beside the photo and pointed to Negan who was at the opposite end of the photo pressing a kiss against a woman’s cheek. “Oh! He found love!”

“We both did,” Joel responded looking at the way Y/N clung to him back then. It made a breath catch in his throat when he looked over at her. “That school year, the two of us started dating and Negan started dating the woman that would become his wife.”

“Why aren’t the four of you together?” Peter was curious since he really hadn’t heard this story either. The only one who had details was Elizabeth. Peter’s brown eyes seem fascinated too when he looked back to the photo.

“We just…” Joel began, swallowing down the lump that grew in his throat. “Grew apart.”

“Love made you not friends anymore?” Lydia blurt out and it had Joel tipping his head from side to side. “Well that’s sad. You’d think you’d all be happy for each other that you found your soul mates.”

Lydia paused, looking back at Y/N and Joel knowing that they were divorced and no longer together. Her face went pale when she thought about what she said, “At the time.”

“What was his wife like?” Carl wondered since all of them were obviously interested in Negan and not so much about their experiences working there.

“We didn’t really know her,” Y/N explained with a shrug of her shoulders.

“Sweet,” Joel commented at the same time she answered. Giving her a look, Joel thought about it and took in a deep breath. “I think we knew her decent enough. She talked to us a few times. I thought she was nice.”

“Sure, we talked to her some, but we really didn’t get to know her because Negan wasn’t really around anymore,” she reminded Joel of their youth and it had Joel nodding his head before moving to the next photo that only had the two of them in it.

“Look at the way she looks at you,” Lydia moved to the next photo that Joel was looking at. It impressed her the way that Y/N looked at Joel in the photo. “You must have been doing something right. That’s the look of pure love.”

Instead of responding, Joel nodded and looked through the next few photos that involved them in it. Looking to Y/N, Joel could see that she was gazing over the photo where she was pregnant with Elizabeth in it. There seemed to be something in her expression changing when she lowered her head.

After some more talk about Negan, the children wanted to go off to the next destination and they followed them close behind. It seemed like Y/N was sad after seeing the photos and Joel cleared his throat, “So uh, one thing Tommy did tell me today was that me doing the Santa photos with the children hurt your feelings.”

“They don’t,” she immediately lied with Joel’s chocolate brown eyes locked on her reaction. It seemed like he didn’t believe her and she shook her head again. This was somewhat common. Anytime she would open up to Tommy about things, he would often try to help her but it only made things worse. “Really, they don’t. I don’t know why Tommy would say something like that.”

“Are you sure?” Joel wondered seeing that she had a hard time looking at him. “You know I’ve known you my whole life, right? Well, it feels like it’s been my whole life.”

“What’s your point?” they stopped when the children asked if they could get some snacks and hot chocolate. It seemed like she was eager to get away from the conversation to pay for the things. The children sat down at a table together. It was a heavily crowded area and the two of them stepped off to the side so they could talk.

“It means that I know when you’re lying to me,” Joel whispered, leaning in closer to her and he noticed the way the warmth of his breath made her shudder. “You have a hard time looking at me when you lie. It was always your give. I could tell that you were being honest when you didn’t break eye contact.”

“Yeah,” she breathed out, holding onto the cup of hot chocolate she had gotten for herself. “I’ll have to work on that.”

“If you wanted to come, you could have told me,” Joel offered, hearing her let out a long exhale. It was one thing for him to say that, but another for him to mean it. Especially after the photos had already been taken. In the past she had expressed wanting to go and he never wanted that. “The children would have had fun with it.”

“I didn’t think you wanted me to do it anymore,” she stated, her eyes looking sad at the idea of it. Truthfully? He told her that the first year of their separation. So his change of pace made her uneasy. “I distinctly remember you telling me that I couldn’t be part of it because Tess would get the wrong idea. Then when I did it separately, you got angry with me because you wanted special moments with them that were special just for you.”

“Things are different,” Joel reminded her, shifting on his feet uncomfortably after he took a sip of his hot chocolate that she got for him. “I’ve had time to…grow.”

With a nod, Y/N didn’t know what to say because she had grown used to a certain Joel over the last few years. This one wasn’t exactly the Joel that she was used to, “Things are actually a lot better when you are around. The children are happier. I’m happier…”

“Joel,” she looked to Joel seeing the way that his eyes were hooked on her. Those words had her heart fluttering in her chest. Everything inside of her still loved Joel so it hurt trying to think that there was a part of Joel that wanted her around. “Don’t.”

“What do you mean don’t?” Joel outstretched his free hand to curl his glove covered finger underneath her chin to try to urge her to look at him. There was tension in her body when her eyes locked with his.

“Time for the fireworks,” Elizabeth interrupted, reaching for her mom’s arm to tug her toward the opposite direction of the village. “We have to get good seats. I know it’s in like an hour, but you know right by the water is best for the fireworks and we should get there before everyone else does.”

“Sure thing sweetheart,” Y/N gave her daughter a one-armed hug, following Elizabeth and the other children toward the area they wanted to sit. When they were where they wanted to be, Joel moved in beside Y/N to drop down on the bench next to her.

“Can we talk?” Joel wondered, his breathing loud when she looked to the children. They seemed lost in talking to one another and probably wouldn’t bother to pay attention now that they were waiting for the most exciting part of the night. “We can just walk for a little bit. We aren’t going to lose them. They will be here for the next hour or so.”

Considering what Joel was asking of her, she knew it was probably for the best if they did get to talk. It had been a really long time since Joel had even attempted to have a conversation with her when the children weren’t involved.

“Hey, your dad and I are going to take a walk around the park. Watch your brother and call one of us if you need anything,” Y/N stood up from the bench seeing Elizabeth nod. Stepping in front of Peter, she reached out to brush her fingers through his dark hair and heard him huff. “Listen to your sister and stay here with her. Okay?”

“Yeah, sure,” Peter waved his hand about before going back to laughing with Carl about something.

Following Joel off into the distance, Y/N wasn’t sure what to say to him when he nudged her slightly as they moved through the crowd, “Does this place bring back memories for you?”

“Lots of memories,” she remarked knowing that this place meant a lot to them when they were younger. Their job would start the first weekend of November and every weekend up all the way until Christmas. “We worked Christmas six years here. Lots of memories to be had. It was something else.”

“You were always so big on Christmas,” Joel recalled, clinging to his hot chocolate hearing the music that was playing from carolers in the distance. “After my parents died, I hated it.”

There was a silence when Y/N looked to him surprised, “I never told you because you loved it so much. It always reminded me of the things that I lost with my parents. You know how they were when it was Christmas. I could never do what they did. They weren’t great parents. We both know that, but they made it special the best way they could. And Tommy loved them so much. Christmas just reminded me that there was a piece of me that was always missing.”

“I’m sorry,” she didn’t know what to say when they stopped at the tree that was at the middle of the village. It was the biggest one and it was decorated with so many lights that it lit up Joel’s face perfectly. “I didn’t know that.”

“I didn’t want you to know that. Because I knew it made you happy,” Joel reasoned with her, his shoulders shrugging when he thought about their past together. “I made myself love Christmas because you did. And then Elizabeth did too. You two were enough to lift my spirits with the way you would get excited.”

Swallowing down hard, Y/N nodded and wasn’t sure of what to say next, “You know, when I picked you up tonight it reminded me of when we were younger. How I would park the car in front of your house, wait to pick you up. You’d run out the door with a kick to your step and each night here felt like it was a date for us. We had fun with it. You reminded me of that girl tonight.”

“Just a lot older,” she half laughed, looking down at herself with what she was wearing.

“Just as pretty,” Joel retorted watching the surprise in her features. It had been a while since he had complimented her like that. By the way color flushed into her cheeks, he could tell that she liked it. “It felt like we were going on another date again when I picked you up. You look really nice.”

“Oh yeah? Bundled up like frosty the snowman?” she chuckled getting him to laugh. “I’m sure I look great after walking around in this cold.”

“You do,” Joel reached out to sweep his fingertips in over the side of her face and under her chin. “Do you remember when we would be working and the two of us would sneak off during the fireworks? We knew we’d have to clean up and close things down, but with everyone busy with the fireworks…”

“We could have been fired,” she exclaimed with a laugh, leaning into his touch. He couldn’t help but smirk with her reaction to his comment. “Especially when we’d go off to one of the houses or the buildings. They have cameras now. Back then, they didn’t have many.”

“We weren’t making that much money anyways,” Joel recognized with a wrinkle of his nose, tipping in closer to rest his forehead against hers when he laughed. “I wouldn’t have cared if we were caught because I was just…addicted to you.”

“We were stupid,” she thought back to their younger selves and the risks they used to take just to be with one another. “There were so many people here.”

“Yeah, but you put on a fireworks show and people just don’t care,” Joel stated with a shake of his head. Just like how things were now. Everyone was desperate to get a good seat to see the fireworks that they really didn’t care about the rest of the village and what it had to offer. “In a way, it was a different kind of sex every time we hopped into a different historical house or building. It was like time travel sex and it always turned me on.”

“You are so weird, what we did was crazy,” she swatted at his shoulder, enjoying the way that he laughed. It had been so long since they had been this relaxed with one another. A breath caught in her throat when she noticed the way that Joel looked down at her lips. “Joel?”

“Crazy or madly in love?” Joel debated, leaning in just enough for his lips to brush faintly over hers. A tremoring breath escaped her lips. Just by the closeness of him like this, it had her desperate to be near him. Sweeping his glove covered thumb in over her jawline had her tipping her head back. Her eyelashes fluttered to a close allowing him to steal a kiss from her lips. Both of her palms pressed in over the center of his chest to brace herself. It had been a while since the two of them kissed like this. Compared to the cool winter air surrounding them, the warmth of her mouth against his was very welcomed. Growing in strength, each caress of his lips over hers had her pressing in closer to him wanting to be near. After a few more kisses, Joel grumbled when she stepped back to pull away. She was trembling, her lips agape with her breathing heavy. “What is it?”

“We can’t have them see us kissing,” she cautioned reminding him of their children. Even though they were further into the village and not incredibly near the water, there was still that chance that Elizabeth or Peter could have gotten up to see them kissing there. “They might get the wrong idea with things and…”

“We’re far enough away,” Joel muttered, yet she still seemed worried. Tossing what he had left of his hot chocolate in the nearest trashcan, Joel waved her forward. Extending his hand out to hers, he could tell that she was deeply considering whether to take it or not. Once she finally did grab his hand, he hooked his fingers with hers leading her through the crowd. She didn’t know how to respond when he took her back toward the front of the village. Leaving wasn’t something they should have been doing with their children still there, but Joel explained to the guard that they had to grab something from the car. After getting the okay, Joel dragged her through the parking lot leaving her curious as to what was happening. It didn’t take long for her to find out because soon Joel had grabbed a hold of her, firmly pressing her back against the SUV. Stepping in close to her, Joel trapped her between him and the vehicle causing her to gasp out. Reaching for the cup that she was still carrying, Joel carelessly dropped it down on the ground beside them. Hovering his lips over hers told him everything he needed to know by the sounds that she made. “We have until the fireworks are over. The children are fine. They aren’t gonna move and there no cameras out here. I reckon you know that just as much as I do.”

“And what is it you want to do?” she exhaled loudly with Joel using his teeth to pull off his first glove. Shoving that one into his pocket, he hastily put the other one away as well. Lifting his hands up, he cupped at her face drawing her mouth closer to him. In that moment it felt like the world was spinning around her. There was something in the way that Joel Miller could look at her that took her breath away. His eyelids grew heavy with want, hovering his mouth just over hers. “Joel?”

“I think you know,” Joel slurred, dragging his bottom lip over hers and it rewarded him with a purr from her.

Sliding his left hand down had his fingers curling around her throat. Gliding his right up allowed his thumb to caress over her bottom lip, dragging it slowly over her flesh. Almost instinctively she started to press kisses against the pad of his thumb, wincing when he applied a small amount of pressure at her throat. Collecting her lips with his, Joel was passionate in the way that he kissed her. Barely taking time to separate between breaths. Nibbling at her bottom lip had her fingers sliding up over the back of his neck to sink them into his messy, dark hair. It seemed that talking about their past had rekindled the flame that existed between the two of them leaving them both hungry to kiss the other. Sliding his hand down, Joel’s fingers found the zipper in her jacket and he tugged firmly at it. Pushing the material aside, Joel dropped his hands grasping firmly to her hips. Taking a moment to break away from the kiss, Joel’s forehead pressed to hers. Sucking in a sharp breath of air, Joel liked the way she trembled in his grasp. Taking his time, Joel started to lazily palm up over the sides of her body. It drew her lips to part and he took advantage tracing the tip of his tongue over her sensitive flesh.

“I miss being able to touch you,” Joel confessed, allowing his fingers to slide up under the bottom of the sweater that she was wearing. Panting, she lowered her head to watch the movement and he nuzzled his nose in against the side of her face. Even though it was freezing outside, they both felt like their bodies were on fire. Once the roughness of his fingers collided with her flesh beneath the sweater, it had her whimpering out. Smiling against her cheek, Joel started peppering wet kisses over her jawline, toward the side of her neck. Leaving occasional nips at her flesh left her to start faintly moaning at the sensation. These were things he knew that she liked when they were younger. It was so easy to have her melting in the palm of his hand. Pressing his kisses closer to her lips, Joel stopped when he reached them. Hovering his mouth over hers, an arrogant smile tugged at his lips with how much she was yearning to be kissed by him again. Starting slow, Joel pressed tiny kisses at her lips. And she returned the gesture. “I miss being able to kiss you.”

Each kiss grew in strength having her lips parting allowing him to flick his tongue against hers. A sweetness still lingered from their hot chocolates, but it wasn’t something that either one of them were turning away. Sucking faintly at his tongue had Joel growling out, closing the distance between them more. In that moment, it had started snowing again. Small flurries were surrounding them and he tipped his head to look at it. Laughing, he buried his head against the side of her neck. Tracing his fingers down over her ribcage had her arching forward toward him.

“I see the way you still look at me,” Joel slurred, nibbling at her bottom lip when she clung to his jacket. Flattening out his palm, he traced a line from her navel, over her abdomen and toward her breast. Squeezing in over her breast through the material of her bra had her cooing out. “You still look at me the same way you did when we were young. I know how you feel about me. Like I said, you were never able to hide anything from me.”  

“Joel,” she panted when his fingers dropped down to open the button in her pants. She should have cared more that they were still out in the middle of a public place, but she didn’t. All that mattered in that moment were the two of them. A firm tug of the zipper in her pants had her hips pulling forward. Joel wasn’t being gentle about the way he was doing things. Locking his eyes with hers, Joel firmly pushed his hand between the material of her pants. The direct contact from the warmth of his palm had her eyes slamming shut. Caressing at the most intimate parts of her body through the thin material of her panties had Joel hissing out.

“Why deny ourselves the chance of feeling good? Of being happy?” Joel nipped at her jawline enjoying the sounds of her soft moans. Adjusting his position, he managed to get his hand beneath her panties. It had her burying her nose against the side of his neck, breathing out his name. “Let’s enjoy this moment. Act like we’re young again, running off together.”

Words were hard to form with how her body was reacting to Joel’s touch. Lowering her hand down, her fingers curled firmly around Joel’s wrist when she felt the roughness of his fingertips circling her clitoris. Dropping her head back against the car opened up her neck to allow his wet kisses to cover it. Involuntarily, her hips started to move against the sensations that he was building up inside of her.

It was then the sound of a car door closing in the distance was heard. A wet sound followed with Joel pulling his mouth away from her neck. Instantaneously, Joel pushed forward to hide what he was doing in case someone walked by them. Thankfully, he could see that the person was far out in the distance. Continuing with his caress had fear flooding into her eyes with him not stopping. There was no stopping him now that he started.

“Not out here,” she tugged on his jacket getting him to smirk. Following her toward the car, they managed to get the back door open of the SUV. Letting her get in first, Joel was quick to follow and even quicker to close the door behind him. Once they were inside, Joel was eagerly tugging at his jacket to get it off. And once he did? He was throwing it into the way back so it didn’t take up any space. Sliding forward, he helped her to get her jacket off. There was no haste to his movements. Immediately after he tossed her jacket aside, he was helping to get her sweater pulled up the lengths of her abdomen. “What if people walk by and see us?”

“They won’t,” Joel tried to assure her knowing that by her kisses, it wasn’t going to be much of a big deal for her.

Grunting out, Joel managed to get her to lift her arms so he could drop the sweater down beside them. Badly he wanted to touch her. Caress at the lengths of her body, but he was quick to reach for her bra. He wanted her. And he wanted her now. Tugging at the material of her bra, Joel got the cup down. His mouth eagerly covering the part of her breast that was revealed to him. Humming against her flesh had her crying out, her fingers sinking into his hair again.

Sweeping his tongue around her nipple allowed them to fall back into things so easily. He had always loved her breasts and enjoyed pampering them. Circling the taut nub with the warmth of his tongue had her back arching up toward him. Nibbling and sucking at the flesh, Joel’s hand pressed in over the small of her back to lead her closer to make things easier for them. Between them, her hands had dropped down working to find his belt. When she found it, she swiftly unhooked it with the material jangling. Adjusting his hips, Joel noticed that she was attempting to open his pants. They were craving each other like he couldn’t believe. She was shaking as she got the material of his jeans opened. Working with the denim she was able to dip her hand beneath his jeans to palm in over his manhood through his boxer briefs. Grunting against her breast led her to purr out which only fueled him further.

“Good girl,” he slurped at her flesh, his head tipping back just enough to watch what this was doing to her.  

Chills were flooding her body with how quickly they fell into this again. With every touch, his hips would arch forward into her caress. Leaving her to feel his erection growing harder against her touch. Nipping at her flesh a final time, Joel kissed up over her breast toward her collar bone. It sent a rush throughout her body. Sliding his left hand up over the opposite side of her neck, Joel led her to him so he could kiss her more passionately. Quickly remembering the things that she liked when they were together.

A loud surprised breath escaped her lips when Joel reached down to hook his fingers into the top of her jeans. The yank had her falling back against the seat with Joel pulling her hips up toward him while he worked the material of her pants from her legs along with her panties. In the cramped space it was hard to get it off of her, having to stop to pull off her boots when he got to her feet. Tossing her pants aside, Joel curled his arms under her knees pulling her in closer to him. It was amazing just how strong Joel was and he was showing his strength with how easily he was moving her around. Urging her legs up over his shoulders, Joel lifted her hips enough to start pressing wet kisses at the inside of her thigh.

It was an awkward position for her body to be in, but with Joel’s arms wrapped around her and holding her hips in place she knew that she wasn’t going anywhere. There was a soft scratching from his facial hair at her flesh while he pampered her thighs with wet kisses, each one growing closer to her core. Bracing herself, Y/N tried to make herself more comfortable. Most of her weight that Joel wasn’t holding onto was on her shoulders while Joel had her hips lifted up for him.

Slamming her eyes shut, she felt Joel’s mouth finally cover her most intimate parts with his growl of satisfaction following once the taste of her touched his tongue. Every kiss, every flick of Joel’s tongue over her body felt so much more enhanced. It had felt like it had been an eternity since the two of them fell into one another. Maybe with the idea of being caught lingering in the back of her mind made her feel everything so much more.

It had been so long since Joel had done this. And actually enjoyed doing this. Everything he was doing showed that he was determined. Clinging tightly to her made sure that she couldn’t wiggle free while he feasted on her pussy, eating her out and having her a trembling mess in his arms. Slurping faintly at her clitoris and folds had her arching up toward him. God, he loved it. Hearing her whimpering out his name while he pleasured her did a lot for his ego. When they were together in the past she had told him that he was a greedy lover toward the end of it, so he was doing his best to focus on her and show her what he was capable of.

Shaking his head from side to side, Joel tried to add some force to his movements. Desperately she was clinging to anything on him that she could grab. Breaking away for a moment to take a breath, Joel couldn’t help but smile at the way she squirmed. Desperate to have him go back to what he was doing.

Licking his lips, Joel lowered her slightly keeping his left hand still hooked around her while his fingers caressed at her sensitive bundle of nerves. Focusing on her entrance, Joel suckled and licked listening to her panting with the combined sensation of what he was doing. Prodding his tongue inside of her, Joel slurped at her body. Following was one of the most intoxicating moans he had heard in a very long time. Cries filled the SUV with him incredibly focused on getting her to an orgasm. And by the way that she was tensing up in his grasp? He could tell that she was close. Soon her hips started to rock against his movements, his mouth finding its way up to her clit. Focusing on and teasing it with his talented mouth.

And there it was, the repeated cries of pleasure once he got her to an orgasm. Having her hips shaking against him made him realize that he was perfectly capable of pleasuring her. Allowing her to lower her hips to the seat, Joel started to work open the buttons of the green flannel that he was wearing. How loud her breathing was showed him just how much he worked her body up with what he had done.

“You feeling good?” Joel wondered pushing the material of his shirt to the sides to reveal his torso to her. Truthfully? He didn’t need her to answer that question. He knew that she felt good. It was evident in every part of her body. She was already drunk on him and it turned him on so much.

Starting at her hip, Joel dragged his fingertips up over her side, under her rib cage and then cupped at the underside of her breast. Sweeping his thumb over the swell of her nipple had her arching up toward him and he hummed.

Realizing that her breathing was heavy, she just gave Joel a nod with her back arching up toward his touch. It was then she remembered something that Tommy said to her earlier in the day. Joel liked to be dominated. And she was letting him control every part of this.

Using the strength that she had, she lifted up pushing her hands into the center of Joel’s chest. Grunting out, Joel fell back against the door. Surprise filled his chocolate-colored eyes with her crawling in closer to him. Bracing his back against the door, Joel’s breathing grew louder with the way she looked. Fuck, her taking charge like that was incredibly hot. Hell, he was impressed. She had fire to her when they were younger, but toward the end of their marriage she had grown pretty relaxed and open to whatever he wanted. This? This was hot.

Hissing out with her fingers curling around his throat had his head tipping back against the door. A chill ran right through him with a wince falling from his throat. Pressure was being applied to the soft, fleshy part of his throat with her thumb as she moved in over him.

“You are so fucking hot,” Joel slurred, biting down on his bottom lip with her hovering her mouth just over his. She was teasing him, but he loved it. Attempting to press in closer to her to bring their lips together had her shoving him further back against the door.

Working his opened shirt down his shoulders, she purposely made the material get stuck near his biceps so he would have a hard time moving his arms in any fashion. His eyebrows furrowed, his chest falling and rising faster with his breathing growing louder.

Putting a bit more pressure at his neck had Joel wincing out, but something flooded into his eyes. Desire. It was burning in his veins when she forcefully lowered down to bring their lips together in a kiss that took her breath away. Joel was hungry. Passionate and it was all the things they had been missing in their relationship at the end. Kissing down over his jaw, her fingers remained around his throat until she reached his chest. Nibbling at his flesh, she allowed her fingers to slip from his neck down over his chest. It caused him to hiss out when she pinched at his nipple, but he arched in closer to her. Kissing down over his stomach, she took her time between her wet kisses and the tiny bites she left over his body. Once she got to his pants, she tugged them firmly down to his knees hearing him grunt. There was something in the way he was looking at her that had chills flowing down her spine. It had been a long time since Joel looked at her like that.

Stealing a glance at the dark green and red boxer briefs that were clinging to Joel’s erection made her smile, “Very festive.”

“That wasn’t purposeful,” Joel snorted, amused that they could still giggle about something as simple as that in the heat of the moment.

Lowering her head down she teased kisses over the material. Kissing over the shaft of his manhood had his hips bouncing up toward her, but she used a bit of force to push them down back into place. After a few more kisses, she reached for the black waistband of the boxer briefs to pull them down his hips and to his thighs. With a smacking sound, Joel’s erection rest against his lower abdomen. Tracing her fingertips over his shaft had his eyelids growing heavy. God knows how many times they had sex together, but the sight of Joel’s cock always took her breath away.

Keeping her eyes hooked on his for a moment longer, she started pressing feather like kisses over the shaft hearing his groan follow. They were wet, hot kisses that had his breathing getting louder. Curling her fingers around the base of his cock allowed her to start stroking over his flesh, sheathing him in her grasp. Teasing the flesh of Joel’s uncut, girthy cock in her hand had him groaning with his hips slightly arching up toward her.

“Be a good boy for Christmas this year, Joel,” she slurred, lowering down to drag her tongue across the tip having him hiss out. “Let me control this for a few.”

With a nod, Joel knew she was asking him to let her do her thing. Her lips were wet with her tongue flicking out slightly with every kiss. Watching her closely had Joel’s heart racing in his chest. More than anything he wanted her to take him into her mouth, but she was purposely holding off. Each caress of her lips over the ridges of his cock grew stronger and wetter. It had his length twitching with anticipation and she smiled. Finally taking him between her lips had him moaning out. It was a surprise since Joel was never much of a verbal lover. So she enjoyed hearing it. It was quiet, but it was loud enough to hear. It had her shuddering with excitement, the heat at her core aching. Unhurriedly, she lowered her head over his length, taking only a small amount. That alone had him inhaling sharply. Dragging her tongue along his flesh drew him to wiggle, but he couldn’t move much with his shirt locked at his arms like she had done it. Each drop down of her head had her taking him farther back into her throat. It was teasing him, but he seemed to like it. Pulling back with a wet sound, she caressed her palm over his flesh before lowering down to pepper kisses near the base toward his testicles.

“Shit,” Joel hissed out, his eyes slamming shut when she took her time focusing fully on him. When she started to kiss up over his hip toward his abdomen, he felt like he was breathless and his eyes were locked on her every movement. “You want me to beg, don’t you?”

“It wouldn’t hurt,” she smirked, looking up just enough for Joel to drop his head back with a grunt. “What do you want?”

“Please just suck my cock,” Joel begged of her eliciting a smile from her lips. Giving him a nod, she got more comfortably in over him. Curling her fingers around the base, she dragged her tongue across the tip. Forcing himself to keep his eyes open, he watched her closely with her lips wrapping around the tip. Exhaling heavily, he was glad that he did ask for it because she did exactly what he wanted. Her head lowered down slowly with a wet sound before pulling back up. Circling the sensitive tip with the warmth of her wet tongue before lowering down again. Each movement grew faster having his lips part. “That’s it…”

Watching her pleasuring him was intoxicating. Not only did it feel good, but it looked like she was enjoying herself. And that to him was so incredibly sexy. Doing as she asked, he let her have her way with him. But he had nothing to complain about, it felt good with her head bobbing over his length in steady movements. By the time she pulled her mouth from his manhood with a wet sound it had him moaning out.

Crawling in over him, she was careful in the way she moved. Getting her bra off of her completely, she dropped the material to the side. It felt nice to have Joel looking at her like this. And it fueled her. “You are so fucking hot.”

Smirking, she reached with her left hand to grab Joel’s hands in hers forcing them back over his head against the glass window. Keeping them braced there she reached between them with her other hand. Rocking her hips forward had the length of his shaft teasing through her wet slit and he winced out. When the tip teased over her clitoris it had her cooing with the sensation. Lining up their bodies, she took her time in lowering down over him. It had been a while for her so even though she was being dominant, she was going to take the time to let her body open back up to the man beneath her.

It was obvious that Joel wasn’t used to her taking charge. At least not for a long time. As she took all of him into her, bottoming out, it had his head lifting from the door. Staring down at their bodies, Joel’s lips parted and he groaned. It was short lasted before his lips desperately found hers. Circling her hips allowed his body to slightly pull from hers and then go back again. It was nice to feel full again with Joel inside of her. Stretching her.

“Does that feel good?” she purred with her slow and steady movements. Starting small before growing in strength. Joel’s dark eyes were locked on her, his fingers curling into fists from where they were pressed against the window. There was something arrogant about her in the moment and he liked it. She was using his cock in the ways that she pleased. Riding him with confidence in steady, firm movements. “Does it?”

“Yes ma’am,” Joel swallowed down, pressing forward to nibble at her bottom lip. Tugging faintly at it, Joel flicked his tongue out over the inside of her bottom lip getting her to purr. Her right hand was braced against his abdomen to steady her when she lifted her hips to the tip only to bury him deeply inside of her again. Repeating those motions got Joel to be more verbal than he had been in a long time. That was what she was aiming for. It made her feel good that she could draw that out from him. Once her movements started to grow in strength, Joel wondered if someone walked by they could tell what was happening. He kind of hoped they could. Then again, she was riding him so hard he assumed the SUV was likely shaking. “So good.”

Soon she was bouncing her hips over his, her cries of pleasure filling the SUV. Watching her fucking herself on his cock had Joel’s blood boiling inside of his body with absolute euphoria. It was quite the sight and he was so glad that she actually agreed to this.

“That’s it,” Joel coached with a growl, his brow line creasing when she took all of him with ease at this point. “That’s so good. Ride that cock honey.”

Leaning in over him, she dropped his hands and they instantly went to her hips. Her right arm hooked around his shoulders, her left sinking her fingers into his thick hair while she worked herself faster over him. Burying his nose against the side of her neck, Joel gifted her flesh with wet kisses. Each forceful thrust back over his cock felt amazing. There was still a chill in the car that was around them, so that contrast of her tight canal taking him repeatedly felt phenomenal.

“Don’t…” Joel whined when she pulled her hips up and away from him. Trying to stop her from leaving, she motioned him to sit up on the seat having him huff out. Turning away from him, he helped her lower her hips back in over him in the reverse cowgirl position. Her fingers curled tightly into the flesh of his thighs. “Goddamn…”

Joel’s hands slid up her abdomen toward her breasts to cup them firmly while he kissed at the side of her neck. There was that involuntary want to bounce his hips up toward her, but she was so focused in what she was doing and how she felt that Joel just let her have her way. Dropping his fingers down, Joel’s palm pressed between her thighs. Circling her clitoris with his rough fingertips had her mewling out, her fingers digging even further into his thighs.  

“You missed this, didn’t you?” Joel questioned, reaching up with his other hand to curl his fingers around her throat pulling her back against him. Quickening the motion of his fingers had her crying out with the sensation. “Brace yourself…”

Joel’s hips started bouncing up matching her movements. His testicles smacked up against her while he pounded into her matching the tempo of his fingers. Noticing her shaking, Joel knew she was on the verge of another orgasm. So he kept up at it until he heard her moaning out his name. Fuck, having her body tense up like that felt amazing. The contracting of her tight warmth that surrounded his cock was addicting.

“I missed this,” Joel alerted her, forcing her to get on her knees in the backseat. Grabbing her hips, he moved her how he needed her. Swiftly, his hips smacked up against her when he sank his length back into her tight body. Each thrust was hard having her bounce forward with a cry. “I’ve missed this ass so much.”

Joel smacked firmly over it appreciating the way her whimper followed. Watching his cock sinking into her and pulling out was a beautiful sight for him. One he hadn’t watched in quite some time. Soon his thrusts were strong leading her to crawl forward on the seat, but he reached out to press down into her shoulders to lower her face down against the leather. Sinking his fingers into her hair, he pushed at the back of her head getting her cheek to press firmly against the seat. A bright light flooded the sky making him smirk when he realized the fireworks started.

“We’ve still got a few,” Joel alerted her with a grunt, pounding into her at this point with her cries filling the air. Every hard forward thrust filled the car with a loud smacking sound. “Your sweet little pussy always took my fat cock so well, didn’t it?”

“Joel,” she muttered, her breathing growing uneven when he reached for her wrists to pull them behind her back. Collecting them in one hand, Joel’s other hand went back to keeping a pressure between her shoulders. Even though Tommy said that Joel liked to be dominated, she could tell by the way he was having sex with her that he still like having that control. “Please…”

“We’ll get you to come, don’t whine,” Joel hushed her using the strength that he had built up to continue to fuck her hard. Each smack of his hips against her ass was loud. Plunge after plunge of his cock had the wet sounds of their bodies flooding the car. It was a little uncomfortable with her face buried into the seat, her ass up and her arms behind her back. But Joel moving inside of her felt good and by his breathing she could tell he liked it. “You’re shaking. Don’t fight it.”

Breathless moans followed when he forcefully bottomed out inside of her when he felt her orgasm start. Staying still had her trying to pull her hips forward, but he didn’t allow her. Groaning out, he looked down with the light from the fireworks flooding into the car so he saw things differently. He was overstimulating her body. And he loved the way it looked and sounded.

“No one knows your body like I do,” Joel pulled out of her, leaving her a shaking mess after he brought her to another orgasm. “Lay back so you can see the fireworks. I want you to see fireworks when I come inside of you.”

Breathless, she tried to move, but everything ached. Everything was spinning, her heart was hammering in her chest. It was the best kind of hurting, but her body was shaking. A liquid warmth was still rushing through her veins, her core tremoring.

Of course Joel helped get her where he wanted her, lowering carefully down in over her. Resting himself between her thighs, Joel curled one arm around her waist to bring her up so he could sink his length back into her while the other braced against the seat. Tipping his head back, Joel bit down on his bottom lip and hummed.

“I don’t think you knew what you were capable of making me do with this pussy,” Joel admitted, lowering down in over her with her sinking her fingers into his hair. Meeting her lips in a sloppy kiss, Joel’s thrusts started again and he groaned out against her flesh. “You were always so capable of making me do whatever you wanted when we were younger.”

Hearing her moaning out his name had chills flooding his body. Bracing both of his hands on the seat, Joel’s hips eagerly bounced forward craving to reach his release knowing that the fireworks weren’t extremely long. Wincing, Joel felt his balls tightening up and he knew that he was close to coming. Having Y/N kissing at the side of his neck felt amazing when the first twitch of his cock inside of her had her whimpering against his flesh.

Continuing to kiss her through his orgasm, Joel’s hips kept up with the pace of his thrusts until he let out a final grunt against the side of her neck. Soft strokes of her fingers through his wet hair was felt. The cold inside of the car suddenly felt hot around them and smelled of sex.

“Fuck,” Joel’s breathing was loud with him pressing a final kiss against the side of her neck. It felt nice to have her touching him and holding onto him the way she was. It had been a while since someone had admired him like this. The windows were steamed over from their moment when he lifted his head and smiled. Grunting out, he pulled his hips away from her and got to his knees. She seemed to whine as his body left hers and it made him chuckle. Once his manhood hit the cold air, it twitched and he huffed loudly. Pulling her closer to him, he pushed her thighs apart and watched the way that his cum started to spill from her body. “We need to clean you up.”

Leaning over the front seat, Joel reached for the tissues and he gave a smirk when he started cleaning his release from her flesh. With a wink, Joel fell back against the opposite end of the seat. Tugging his jeans and his boxer briefs up over his hips had him sighing. “I reckon that’s the biggest orgasm I’ve had in a very long time.”

“So you liked it?” she inquired, having a harder time with working her clothes back over her body. Once she was done, she laid in over Joel and his fingers reached up to sweep at the hair that was clinging to her damp flesh. Leading her to him, Joel peppered her lips with small kisses and it had the both of them smiling.

“It was so much better than the last few times we were together,” Joel announced with a loud swallow nipping at her bottom lip. “If our sex was more like that toward the end of our marriage, we probably would still be together with a few more kids.”

Fuck. After saying that it had her tensing up over him. Cussing under his breath, he watched her head pulling back to look him over. What was once a euphoric expression now seemed to be replaced with a hurt one.

Hesitantly letting out an uncomfortable laugh, he lifted his hands in a defensive motion and shook his head, “I didn’t mean it like that.”  

“Yes, you did,” she visibly caught onto the comment that while may have been innocent insinuated that sex with her was not good while they were married which is why they were no longer together. Noticing the color changing in her face, Joel swiftly started to button up his shirt realizing that this was headed in a bad direction. Some of his buttons were fucked up and he was attempting to fix them when she started heading for the door. Extending his fingers out, he firmly curled them around her wrist to stop her from leaving the SUV. “Forget it Joel. You got your fuck in, now it’s over. Obviously, you were just horny and wanted to fuck.”

“Come on,” Joel almost begged of her. He was at a loss of words. “You have to admit that when we were having sex during certain parts of our marriage it was really boring.”

Shit. That didn’t work either with her face twisting with upset, “I just mean we used to be this spontaneous couple that would get to have hot, amazing sex and then we became two parents sneaking sex in on a schedule of when we could get it. Either when the children were gone or sleeping.”

“That’s what parents do Joel,” she reminded him hearing him scoff when she pulled her wrist back from him. Reaching up, he slicked his hair back and let out an uneasy sound. “I’m sorry sex from me wasn’t good enough for you.”

“I didn’t say it wasn’t good, I just said it was boring,” Joel repeated his earlier words, throwing his hands up in the air when he started to buckle together his belt. If he would have known he would upset her this much he would have kept his mouth shut. Which really? He knew he should have done. That wasn’t the kind of thing someone would want to hear right after sex like that.

“We had sex after we got divorced too,” she pointed out having Joel shrug his shoulders and shake his head. There were times when Joel would come over to the house. Sometimes they would fight and end up having sex. Other times he would show up drunk acting sad and they would sleep together. But every time? It never brought him back. “Was that boring too?”

“I don’t know,” Joel grumbled under his breath being flustered with the way she was asking the questions. Right now her feelings were hurt and he understood that. “Maybe I just don’t remember because you weren’t the last person I had sex with. Maybe I’m confusing you with Tess. I don’t know.”

“That’s great. You’re confusing me with your ex-girlfriend. That’s just great,” her eyes were damp and Joel regretted saying what he did because he clearly upset her more than she cared to admit. It felt like he was trying to throw a jab in there reminding her that he had an ex-girlfriend that he was sleeping with. “You know you’re the last person that I slept with Joel. Before tonight. It was still you.”

“As you like to remind me. I know I’m the only man you’ve had sex with,” Joel almost mocked her hearing the offended breath falling from her throat. Whenever Joel got angry his southern drawl would grow deeper. “It’s not my fault that you couldn’t find someone else after we got divorced. Maybe you wouldn’t be so uptight if you actually got laid sometimes.”

“And there he is,” she reached up to wipe at her tears that were burning at her face. “You make me believe that there is something between us still, you lead me on, you get me to sleep with you and then the old you just comes back out. I’m so fucking stupid for thinking that you still loved me.”

“You’re taking this too personal,” Joel tried to stress reaching for her again, but she was quick to leave the SUV. Groaning out, Joel followed quickly after her, snatching his jacket and pulling it on while he stumbled on the wet snow. “Can we just talk, please?”

“The fireworks are going to be over soon and the children will be looking for us,” she sniffled, looking toward the entrance of the village knowing that their children were at the opposite end of it. Keeping a good distance between the two of them, she knew that she didn’t want to talk to him right now. “We can’t do this right now.”

“Just fucking wait,” Joel demanded, grabbing a tight hold of her wrist, forcing her back toward him as the firework show still continued in the sky. “Ellie is seventeen years old. She’s not a baby anymore. And Peter is thirteen. She can handle him. They are gonna be fine.”

“Joel,” she placed her hand in over the center of his chest trying to put some distance between them.

“I was seventeen when we got together Y/N. We were still kids,” Joel started, drawing her to listen to him when he pulled her back. This whole situation had him frustrated. “And then we got pregnant young. We married young. The two of us were all we ever really knew.”  

“What are you trying to get at Joel?” she pushed struggling to get him to release her, but he wouldn’t. Right now it felt like the world was crumbling down all around her. What had started off as a hopeful moment had turned into something with a very shitty ending. “I was happy. I loved my life. You’re the one that was miserable and let me know it in every way possible.”

“I was depressed. I gave up my life,” Joel stressed, his voice growing raspier when his southern drawl grew just like it did every time he was upset. “I was the star quarterback Y/N. I was about to go off to college. I worked hard for it and then my life fell apart. I always assumed that maybe we’d break up when I went to college. We’d both go out, be young for a while and enjoy life. But my life fell to shit. I deserved that life. I know you meant well and you never gave up on me, so I never gave up on you. But not being able to do what I was destined for sucked. I could have been a sports star like Negan Smith. I could have become a singer like I wanted. Instead I got fucking stuck here in the town that I never liked to begin with.”

“You’re not the only one that didn’t get the life that they wanted Joel,” she recalled feeling an ache at the center of her chest hearing him just drop that bomb on her. “I’m just the only one that adjusted and dealt with it.”

“Yeah, but I was a sure shot,” Joel scoffed realizing that she had dreams too, but those were things she had to eventually work to try to get. He was offered a full ride to college for his skills. All he had to do was go and he couldn’t.

Tipping her head to the side, she angrily smiled and let out a tense laugh. That was his way of saying her dreams weren’t as important as his were.

Rolling his eyes, Joel let go of her arm firmly and rest his hands on his hips, “You know, I’m trying here. I’ve been a good dad. I never stopped being a good dad.”

“You’re right. You’re an amazing dad,” she stressed reaching up to rub at her arm where he had grabbed her feeling a sense of pain there. “Good for you Joel. I’m proud of you. Now please let me go get our children.”

“How are we ever going to be okay again if we can’t talk?” Joel called out when she went to leave again finding himself infuriated with the situation. “I’ve tried talking to you. I meant the things that I said to you. I miss the way things used to be. At the beginning of our relationship, it was so much fun.”

“Yeah, and then I got pregnant because we had too much fun,” she pointed out hearing him sigh again. “And then we had to have responsibilities. We had to be adults because we were raising a little girl. We couldn’t be that fun couple anymore.”

“I don’t regret being a father,” Joel claimed, reaching up to place his hand in over the center of his chest. “It’s the best thing in my life that I’ve done. Peter and Ellie mean everything to me. I don’t blame them at all for the things…the things that I lost in life.”

“No, you just blamed me,” she let out a whimpering breath causing Joel to drop his head down. “I’m not the person that made you have sex with me without a condom. You said that it felt better without a condom and I took the birth control like I was supposed to. It’s not my fault that it didn’t work. You did a good job hiding being miserable from the kids, but you never let me forget just how awful you thought your life was. You know what? No. I won’t say that. I’ll give you credit for the first part of our marriage. You hid it really well. It was toward the end that you let it show.”

“You know what I lost out on,” Joel reminded her, his dark eyes lifting when he shrugged.

“How could I forget? You reminded me so often,” she scoffed trying to wipe at her eyes again. Having hope for something that was never going to happen was one of the worst pains she had experienced. Hoping that something would come out of this was her problem. Hope got her a lot of heartache in the last few years and there was nothing that would change it now. “My mistake is thinking that you could ever love me again. Or that you never stopped loving me. There was a reason we got divorced. I just live in this fantasy world where I still believe that we can fix everything.”

“We can,” Joel suggested hearing her laugh and it frustrated him. “Our children hate us being divorced. If you weren’t so stubborn…”

“Dad!” a voice called out and Joel grunted when a weight jumped into his arms. Groaning out, he wrapped his arms around his son and pulled him up. Peter’s arms wrapped around Joel’s shoulders and he squeezed his arms tightly around him. In their fighting, neither of them noticed that the fireworks had stopped and people were starting to flood into the parking lot. “We were looking for you guys.”

“Sorry champ,” Joel pressed a loving kiss against Peter’s temple, his dark eyes locked on Y/N still when he braced his son in his arms. Elizabeth was approaching and Carl was with Lydia talking to her about fifty feet behind. “Your mother and I just started talking. We must have lost track of time.”

“Hey dad,” Elizabeth moved in beside Y/N who was doing her best to hide her hurt feelings from her children. It was something that she got really good at. “How about we take Carl and Lydia home and we all go out to dinner tonight? The four of us. Like we used to do after this event. We can go to that place that goes all out with the hot chocolates that we used to get. It’s been forever since we went there together. I know it stays open late. We used to have so much fun doing it.”

“That’s up to your mother,” Joel answered pointing in the direction of Y/N. He knew that she would never want to go anywhere with him right now, but it wasn’t going to be thrown on him if they didn’t go. “I’d love to go with all of you.”

“I’m sure you have better things to do Joel,” she suggested and he immediately shook his head, stroking his fingers over the back of Peter’s neck. “Things where you aren’t bored.”

“My night is free since the children were going to be with me anyways,” Joel repeated with a smirk, motioning Elizabeth closer to him. Balancing Peter in one arm, he managed to hook his other arm around their daughter to squeeze her close. “Ellie and Peter want to go, so come on…what do you say? Unless you have something better to do.”

“Liz, dad,” she corrected her father on what she wanted to be called and it had Joel huffing out. “Ellie just makes me sound like a little girl.”

“You are my little girl,” Joel grunted, nuzzling his nose against her temple. “You’re always going to be my Ellie. Your dad is old and locked in his ways.”

“I guess I’ll make an exception for you,” their daughter decided with a big smile and it hurt to see how much the children genuinely loved Joel. It wasn’t like he was abusive toward her. Just brutally honest. And they really had no idea how much he had broken her heart in the past. “Are we good to go mom?”

“Of course,” she agreed following them all into the car trying to hide her feelings by locking them deep down.

On the car ride to drop Lydia and Carl off at home, Joel outstretched his hand to place it over hers and she pulled it away from him. Trying to shut down, she stayed quiet until they were at the restaurant. Somehow she got lucky enough for them to end up in a booth and Joel hooked his arm around her shoulders while they sat at the booth. Having the children seeing them together like this was going to be bad. Especially since she could see it in their eyes when Joel kissed at her temple that they thought something was going on between them.

In the past, she would have swooned over this kind of opportunity. All she wanted over the last four years was to have Joel back. For them to be a family again. But after what he said? It just felt fake.

Even though this was his way of trying, it felt forced on her when she was upset and it made her unhappy. Pushing through dinner, she didn’t want to act miserable so she knew that she needed to talk, interact. After they had their dessert, they went home and the children wanted a movie night. Which meant they wanted to go back to her home and involve Joel. It was hard telling them no so she allowed it.

On the drive home they were quiet except for the children talking about what happened at the event. When they got home, it made her regret it because it reminded her of when they were younger coming home together as a family.

“Hey,” Joel stopped her when the children went in, grabbing a hold of the door. “Ellie, find something for us to watch, I want to talk to your mom for a second.”

“Got it!” Ellie called out while she bickered back and forth with Peter as Joel closed the door to give them some space.

“Y/N, I know I said the wrong thing,” Joel stammered from where they were standing on the porch of the home that they used to share together. With a frown, his hands went to his hips and he shifted his weight. “I have trouble saying the right thing. I know I do. Maybe tonight is a sign with me being here.”

Hearing his comment had a rush of heat flooding into her cheeks and Joel frowned, “I miss our home. I miss sleeping in my bed and I miss having you in my arms,” Joel reasoned with her and a hurt breath fell from her throat. “Maybe tonight we can try it again? When the movie is over. We can go to our bedroom. We can get ready for bed and we can sleep together. Like how things used to be.”

“Joel,” she began, folding her arms in front of her chest and lifting her head to meet the stare of the beautiful, brown eyes that she had fell in love with from the start. “It isn’t your bed anymore. This isn’t your house anymore. Your bed and your home are a block or two over with Tommy.”

Disappointment flooded his veins when she back stepped toward the door and grabbed a hold of the doorknob, turning it slightly to open it. It was then he realized how much he genuinely fucked up with what he said to her earlier.

“We can be civil with each other, but I know where this is headed. It’s headed in the same place that it is every time this happens. You are lonely. We have sex a few times. You realize it’s just the loneliness and you break my heart again. I don’t know how much of my heart is left,” she realized she sounded dramatic with the way that his eyes looked miserable while she spoke. “You can sleep on the couch after the movie is over. But in the morning, just go back home where you want to be.”

Going to open his mouth, Joel grumbled under his breath when she pushed open the door and stepped inside the home. Sure, what he said was honest, but he didn’t think it would ruin what they had been developing over the night.  But once again, there was no time for them to talk because they had to be with the children instead of getting to talk things out. And that made things hard.

----

Tags: @chainsawsangel @fancypeacepersona @violent-darkness @negansbestie @elegantfanficluv

@sanctuaryforthelost @dead-of-niight @dilfsandmartinis

[theformulaimagines]

Look at that woman (breaking my heart) | part three

Pairing: Lewis Hamilton × Vettel!Reader

Summary: For one and a half years Lewis and y/n managed to keep their relationship a secret, until it blew up in their faces. Now, they're trying their hardest to pick up the pieces...

Warnings: age gap (reader is 27), fluff and angst, plot is thickening…

masterlist

The morning after…

He knows that he shouldn’t be in this bed anymore. He should’ve left the moment he woke up and realized that he wasn’t in his hotel room. He should’ve done so many things, like taking a cold shower and texting y/n that last night was a mistake. That she is simply too young for him and that her brother is his best friend. “Last night shouldn’t have happened, I hope we can move on from this and remain friends.” Yes, that’s what he should’ve texted her.

But he didn’t. Instead, he has been watching her and the way her head is comfortably laying on his arm. Y/N’s hand is holding onto his biceps. He has known this woman for such a long time- when did things change? His right hand gently brushes a few strands of hair out of her face, which earns him a soft sigh. This is nice. He vows to himself to get to know her better- in a different way.

He feels her stir and a moment later a sweet smile appears on her lips. “Hey.”, she softly says, voice raspy and fragile. Almost like honey dripping down a spoon. Lewis can’t help but return the smile:” Hey.”

“Did you sleep well?”

“I dreamt about you, so pretty good. Yeah.”

Y/N lets out a weak chuckle and rubs her eyes:” You’re that charming after weaking up? Give me five minutes.” At that Lewis laughs before propping himself up on his elbows:“ Take your time…“ He sees how Y/N opens her mouth to response to him when suddenly his phone rings.

y/nvettel has made a post

liked by lewishamilton, mercedesamgf1, sebastianvettel and 1,368,222 others

y/nvettel: had to visit my favorite boys 🙂‍↕️💜 thanks for having me

view all comments…

user 1: ROSCOE!!!!!!!

user 2: wdym your “boys”??? george’s missing :((

user 3: @/user2 i think she means something else by saying “her” boys 👀👀👀

mercedesamgf1: coming home must have felt amazing, right?? 🤩😉

user 4: not one post with nico... suspicious 🤨🤨🤨

user 5: @/user4 right??? she has hundreds of lewis but none of her "boyfriend" 🙄

roscoelovescoco: love you auntie y/n ❤️

“Who is it?”, Y/N asks tilting her head, and Lewis rolls over to grab his phone off his bedside table. “It’s my manager.”, he mumbles:” It’s- it’s too early for him to call me.” His eyes move up the screen: 8:34 am.

The moment he presses the green button he can hear different voices talking. “Lewis?”, his manager, James, declares almost immediately. “Yeah?”

“Please.”, James says, and Lewis can hear the annoyance and bitterness in his voice:” Please, tell me you’re not with her right now.”

His eyes move back to Y/N, who is scanning his features for any signs. “What if I am?”

There’s a lengthy and heavy silence before James lets out a groan. He can practically feel the frustration coming through the phone. “Why do you care so much about that kind of thing?”

“Why do I care-? Lewis, there are photos of you and Y/N circulating online. You do know what the people are going to say about that- about you, right?”, his voice is suddenly very calm, too calm for this type of situation. “You have known this girl since she was 15. You were in your twenties. You know what they’re going to say about that- think about your reputation. Please, I need you to focus.”

[answermetatertot]

this may be the cringiest thing ever but I've wanted to expand my little sonic au for my ocs for a bit now, so I'm going to do this for the sonic version of my oc, tater tot! This will primarily focus on how my favorite characters feel about said oc. this is your last warning bc i dont wanna see or hear anyone in the comments complaining about how 'cringe' it is. Also, these are just general head canons. Which means I'm not following any specific version of Sonic (though I might favor sonic boom because it's my favorite 🤷‍♀️) ok! so.... context: Tater tot in the Sonic fandom au is a little sea angel who accidentally flew into a powerline, and is permanently cursed with the iq of a hotdog.

How does (canon character) feel about your OC? - Sonic might be annoyed with her because of how slow she can be sometimes. However, I don't think he would outright dislike her. It would be more of an 'oh here we go' followed by a sigh when he realizes that she's incidentally become part of one of his missions. He would still treat her like any of this other friends though. - Shadow would feel the same way as Sonic, but more extreme in terms of how he has to deal with her iq. He would usually make some sort of remark but in the classic shadow way. She ends up responding something unintentionally funny because it's hard to hurt her feelings (and she didn't pick up on what he said anyway).

How does your OC feel about (canon character)? Tater tot enjoys Sonic's company the most, and thinks he's pretty cool 👍 Tater tot is confused by Shadow, but he's fascinating to her. Kind of like watching a caterpillar going about its business. That's how she views him.

Has your OC ever made (canon character) laugh? / What about cry? Tater tot has accidentally made Sonic laugh, not so much Shadow. He's a tough crowd.

Do your OC and (canon character) ever cross paths? Tater tot and Sonic usually cross paths often enough to know each other, but she isn't apart of most of the main adventures. As for Shadow, she just ends up where she is. Think Garfield and Jon.

Which canon character annoys your OC? N/A... she doesn't get annoyed by anyone really.

What canon character gets annoyed by your OC? Shadow for sure.

Which canon character respects your OC most? What gained that respect? Sonic respects Tater tot because while she's not the brightest, she sticks to what she knows is right and wrong no matter the circumstance. She'll help anyone who needs it, whether or not they've been mean to her.

Which canon character doesn’t respect your OC whatsoever? N/A

Which canon character does your OC respect a lot? Tater tot respects Sonic because he's brave and is always there for his friends. He's also kind to her. Deep down inside, she's somewhat aware of her lack of intelligence and it makes her slightly insecure when meeting new people. She's afraid they'll get tired of having to help her constantly.

Which canon character does your OC not respect at all? Why? N/A

Which canon character is pissed off by the general presence of OC? (we all have those people) I can't truly think of one, but I feel like Eggman would just be on 10 every time he saw her. She always ends up accidentally messing up something.

Does your OC have a crush on anyone? tiny crush on Sonic, but she doesn't even know it.

Who would probably have a crush on your OC? N/A... I don't know really?

Who would your OC most likely to get a puppy-crush on? (but it can’t be the cc they’re actually shipped with!) She would most likely have a puppy crush on Amy! she's bright and bubbly and Tater tot loves being around happy people.

Who would your OC say is their best friend? Probably Amy!

Who would call your OC their best friend? Amy.

Who has brought your OC to tears before? Probably Shadow, after one of the rare times she understood what insult he hurled at her.

Who has your OC made cry? Shadow. (It's not that bad, she's generally sensitive)

Is there someone your OC didn’t like at first, but then got along with later? Nope! She's an easy person to get along with.

Is there someone your OC liked at first, but then grew to dislike? N/A

Who does your OC hate? N/A

Who does your OC love? (platonic)

Sonic and Amy.

Who does your OC love? (familial) She doesn't have any family (right now)

Does your OC love anyone? (romantic) Love is a strong word. I have no idea if she loves anyone currently, but a slight crush might be there.

Has your OC ever had to let a canon character down easy? N/A

Has your OC ever been rejected by a canon character? N/A

Did your OC bear witness to anyone’s full character arc? N/A

What is the worst thing your OC does in their story? Probably putting her friends in harms way when being asked something. She's a very honest person and sometimes doesn't get when she should or shouldn't say something.

What is your OC’s ‘‘darkness moment’’ in the plot? N/A

What is your OC’s redemption moment? N/A

Is there a canon character that your OC needs to ask forgiveness towards? N/A

Is there a canon character your OC needs to forgive? N/A

Is there anyone who your OC would die for? N/A

Is there a canon character who would die for your OC?

Fandom OC Ask Meme

⟢⋱⟡☾ a collection of asks for OCs belonging to specific fandoms

How does (canon character) feel about your OC?

How does your OC feel about (canon character)?

Has your OC ever made (canon character) laugh? / What about cry?

Do your OC and (canon character) ever cross paths?

Which canon character annoys your OC?

What canon character gets annoyed by your OC?

Which canon character respects your OC most? What gained that respect?

Which canon character doesn’t respect your OC whatsoever?

Which canon character does your OC respect a lot?

Which canon character does your OC not respect at all? Why?

Which canon character is pissed off by the general presence of OC? (we all have those people)

Does your OC have a crush on anyone?

Who would probably have a crush on your OC?

Who would your OC most likely to get a puppy-crush on? (but it can’t be the cc they’re actually shipped with!)

Who would your OC say is their best friend?

Who would call your OC their best friend?

Who has brought your OC to tears before?

Who has your OC made cry?

Is there someone your OC didn’t like at first, but then got along with later?

Is there someone your OC liked at first, but then grew to dislike?

Who does your OC hate?

Who does your OC love? (platonic)

Who does your OC love? (familial)

Does your OC love anyone? (romantic)

Has your OC ever had to let a canon character down easy?

Has your OC ever been rejected by a canon character?

Did your OC bear witness to anyone’s full character arc?

What is the worst thing your OC does in their story?

What is your OC’s ‘‘darkness moment’’ in the plot?

What is your OC’s redemption moment?

Is there a canon character that your OC needs to ask forgiveness towards?

Is there a canon character your OC needs to forgive?

Is there anyone who your OC would die for?

Is there a canon character who would die for your OC?

[tanadrin]

i don't have any special insights or strong evidence for this, this is 1000% just Political Vibes, but i feel like there's a good chance this phase of political development sees a realignment that cashes out in, on the one hand, what you might call "revisionist ideology" opposed to "status quo ideology." and here by "revisionist" i mean the term in the way bret devereaux uses the term "revisionist powers," i.e., states that seek to challenge the current international diplomatic order, vs. the "coalition of the status quo" (roughly, but not 100%, the West/Global North/NATO+allies).

by modern standards the revisionist faction is made up of both left and right elements; the coinciding forces here isn't horseshoe theory all-non-liberals-are-the-same type stuff, but simply an alignment of what are in some respects ideologies coming out of very different traditions that are brought together by circumstance. part of this circumstance is that both are nostalgic: tankies who miss the USSR, right-wing populists who miss not having so many immigrants around, social conservatives who miss getting to call gay and trans people slurs, etc. There's a strain of strongman authoritarianism, social conservatism, and economic populism that cuts across what used to be historically very different categories, which is why you see leftist commentators who have defined themselves primarily through their opposition to liberalism rather than right-wing reaction arguing themselves into supporting trumpism; why socially-conservative parties who nonetheless claim the mantle of leftism, like BSW, can cannibalize a lot of the leftist vote in countries like Germany (or, in other countries, the former Marxist-Leninist parties just become outright conservatives and nationalists)--and the germ of this kind of shit goes back as far as like the original red-brown third way types from the 20th century, it's not like the angry contary reactionaries on both the left and right just now noticed they had stuff in common!

but one reason i am cautious about this thesis is that i think this is a type overrepresented online; and i am cautious about extrapolating too enthusiastically to the real world. i suspect that at some point somebody like sahra wagenknecht is going to realize she has quite a lot in common with someone like alice weidel. but maybe not! maybe i am too cynical.

and the "status quo" ideology is not, like, Objectively The Good Guys, here. this is the liberal, rule of law faction, but it's also the unabashedly capitalist faction, and in many ways the neoliberal faction, too--one that includes a lot of left-liberals, too, but left liberals who by virtue of finding themselves making common cause with other flavors of liberal are going to find their power diluted. and this is a faction that is happy to embrace social freedoms, albeit within certain frameworks: the "we heart gay prison guards" guys, in other words. insofar as it is the party of the status quo it's also the party that finds it harder to imagine things could be better, to push the envelope in terms of policy or even to provide a strong ideological account of what the world should be working toward. the pure grievance-and-xenophobia politics of revisionist politics don't provide much of a narrative in that department, either, but at least they provide someone to blame, and promise the catharsis of taking your anger out on the hated outgroup.

i think this would be a pretty dismal politics, but i think it would be a stable equilibrium for a while--at least as stable as left vs right proved for much of the 20th century. i think there are also a lot of other ways for the zillions of tiny incentive gradients and interest groups that make up society to align themselves in broad political dichotomies, though. i don't think there's anything inevitable or necessary about this alignment, anymore than there was about left vs right or, before that, court vs country or barons vs emperor or guelphs vs ghibellines or populares vs optimates. so if we do find ourselves there i think that's a trap we can escape--if we care to

[magesforthedas]

Okay, newest discourse I've seen and want to share my opinion on... Mostly it's about Rook's companions. PLEASE be aware the are Spoilers for late game DAV below!

So, I've been seeing a bunch of people talking about how the companions don't really act like they care about you, because they aren't asking you how you are doing.

We've got some things to dissect here 😅 first off, not everyone's love language is words of encouragement haha. But on a serious note, even if it's true that they never asked "Rook, are you alright?" (Which, I'm pretty sure I got asked that by at least one companion...?) It doesn't mean they don't care about you. The more interactions and companion quests you do, the more you see that care come out.

Davrin asking you to join him for walks? He sees you need a break and fresh air.

Emmerich taking you to the gardens? It's probably the most relaxing thing he can think of.

Neve taking you with her to throw rocks, the thing she does when she needs a break and to clear her mind? She's hoping it helps you too.

Taash taking you to feed the birds? Again, something that helps them clear their head? Makes it easier to think? Also, their comment about you not knowing loss... Haven't you ever said something when you are angry that you know will hurt? Maybe that's how Taash sees you, or maybe they see the haunted look of grief in your eyes every day, and wanted to provoke you into getting mad and talking about it- exactly how they are apt to share their emotions. But Rook knows that comment isn't about them, it's about Taash.

Harding taking you with her to practice her new magic? It's something potentially fun and a little exciting, something brighter than the death and despair everywhere.

Tbh I'm having trouble thinking past romance stuff for Lucanis 😂 but like, making you food, he does check in on you, his quiet care in the way he would talk to you. I'll see on this second playthrough how much stays even when he isn't romanced.

Bellara taking you to check elven artifacts? You most likely have no idea what you are doing, she obviously just wanted you there. Now, it could be because she just wants support, but I wouldn't be surprised if she was hoping some knowledge of how to handle these artifacts rubbed off on you, and wasn't sure how to say that. She's obviously protective, and doesn't always know how to say what she wants.

Point is, sometimes it's words, sometimes it's actions, but they obviously do care. They also realize: you are the one leading this, the one with the most weight on your shoulders. They may be unsure how to actually ease that weight, and not just remind you that you have it.

It makes me really, really sad to see people say that they can't find it in them to care about the companions, because they don't ask you how you feel. Is their worth directly linked to your wellbeing? Is the only correct way of showing care or affection the way you prefer? I cried through multiple companion scenes because of the raw emotions they shared with me. Does that willingness to be vulnerable count for nothing?

Something I honestly appreciate about Rook, is there's a little bit we know for sure about them. You can decide their identity, if they're serious or joking, or optimistic or angry. There's room to fill your backstory. But the core of you is the same, and it's why Varric chose Rook: because you see a problem, you solve it. You see an injustice, you have to do something. Every backstory, you did something that saved lives or helped people and it got you in trouble; you know how to put others first, but without it breaking you.

There are a lot of similarities between Hawke and Rook that I see, the Found Family trope being the biggest. And you know, both families are maybe a little dysfunctional. But while there are similarities, it's unfair to compare how Hawke's friends approached their wellbeing with the Veilguard, because they are all, the protagonist and the companions alike, different people, who would handle and process trauma differently. And in a way that, whether the healthiest or not, kept everyone sane; though there are times when things could slip through the cracks.

My final thought is about Varric, or rather, his death. I saw people talking about how Solas couldn't have kept that ruse going if the companions had bothered to check in with you. Now, sure maybe no one ever said anything because they were concerned if it would help or not. You've been caught in the infirmary a couple times, talking to nothing: maybe that is what helps you cope?

But I think it is completely plausible that the magic Solas was using to make you think Varric was still alive, could also have been censoring outside mention of him. A lot of the time if Varric gets brought up in conversation by someone, they just.... Trail off? What if they said more, but Solas erased it for you? And the companions, well. If you don't want to talk about him, they won't force you. Same with anyone else, like Isabela. Solas is smart, he would know that the people around you would know he was dead, and may very well mention it in front of you. You think he wouldn't have something in place?

So yeah, next time something comes up that makes you go, "this is bad writing, I can't like this game, how can you like this game?" Maybe ... Look at it from another angle? A couple angles? Think about what could be happening offscreen? Or if you really just don't like the game or the characters... Why would you want to make others feel bad if they do? Not to be harsh, because also if you have things you don't like, that's valid and it doesn't mean you can't express yourself. But that doesn't mean nobody should like them.

Love you all ❤️

[boofeine]

stay the night (dokyeom ver.)

pairing: seokim x fem reader

genre: fluff, friends to more

summary: just a cute scenario of skin care nights with your best friend (who could be more).

tags: @huen1ngk4i @aaniag @svteensworld @kooqitas @unlikelysublimekryptonite @hyperfocbsk

Seokmin comes from your bathroom with the biggest eyes you've ever seen. He has a white package on his slim hands, walking sneakily as he tries to casually ask.

"Is this a new skin care mascara?" He says, not leaving his eyes from the small package.

You can't help but laugh at him, as you look around on your enamel bag for a color. "Are you peeping my products again, Seokmin?" You jokingly shoot and it's funny how he tries to explain himself. You don't mind at all, you just find it really cute and endearing.

"I never have those at home... It's really hard to find good ones... and you always do" He adds. You hum smiling in response, not really looking back at him still. "This one says it's good for dry skin, my skin's been really dry... so it caught my eyes, y'know?" He's messy with the words and gosh, it's really so cute how he tries to explain.

"Do you want it?" You laugh, finally looking at him "You can take it" You say "Let me know if it's good"

"You don't have to..." He starts again.

"Just take it, oh my!" You cut him "And I don't wanna hear it anymore"

"Okay" He replies cutely and smally, makes you want to pinch his cheeks "Actually, can i try while I'm here?" Seokmin speaks again.

"Yes..." You just say, starting to get annoyed, as if this should be something he already knows.

He heads back to the bathroom, to apply it, you suppose. As you start to paint your raw nails. A few minutes pass and he comes out again.

"hm, I–" He starts speaking and you look up, you laugh loudly, snorting on the process. He makes his way to you, sitting by your side, trying to suppress his laugh too "Stop!" He tries, speaking without mouthing so much "I can't move my face with this on it" He concludes.

"Im sorry" You're literally starting to cry, wanting to hand your phone to take a photo of him like this, but your fresh nails wouldn't let you.

What's so funny is that the mascara has a baby face imprint in it. It's so quirky with a pacifier drawn on the mouth spot and one curl up on the forehead. You're glad you weren't the one trying it first.

"The brand package says It helps you get baby faced... They forgot to explain it was literally" He comments, and you start laughing all over again.

You stay there, on your living room sofa, chatting away, even though it is hard to take him serious with that baby face on him. He reaches for your hand while you are speaking, studying your fingers and newly painted nails.

"It's very pretty, I like the shade" He says looking at your hand once you're finished talking. You get little butterflies and you can't believe you're feeling that over an enamel compliment. You try to shake it off as he places your hand back on your lap "I have to go... I'll take this off and call the cab, ok?" He speaks harshly, without warnings, and you suddenly feel sad.

"Really?" You reply without thinking, already missing his happy and filled with laugh presence. "Can't you stay over?" You shoot rushed, your eyes going big as you realize "I mean... You don't have to, it's just if you want... if you don't, that's ok. I was just– hmm" You stop wanting to open a hole on the floor and disappear.

"It's getting late" He ponders.

"Yeah! That was what I meant" you find something to gasp on "Why don't you stay the night?"

He stops like he has to think, like this a trap or a really thin line for your friendship. Seokmin stares back at you just in sweaters and comfortably at your place. Finally, for what felt hours, he nods, smiling "Yes, I'll stay" He says.

[black--sun]

He grins, and then he notices Shiro said doomed romantic subplot, and the expression wavers. Then he’s kind of impressed Shiro knows what a doomed romantic subplot is, and Ichigo’s not sure if he wants to finish that grin or not. He doesn’t actually know which direction to let his emotions go. Shiro is an unnerving person. Not that Ichigo is unnerved so much as his pulse is tripping a quicker beat. It’s the instant realization that he’s walking beside someone that might’ve been world changing in a different life or a different time or if his circumstances hadn’t been such shit. Shiro's already got a grip on the entire city. He didn’t even have a good start in life. He has so much potential. It’s kind of horrible that it was never fostered— or maybe they’re all better off. Ichigo’s not quite sure why all it took was that small phrase to give him such an epiphany. Maybe because he knows Shiro doesn’t have any interest in books, but Ichigo’s betting he could change his clothes and walk into a room of Ichigo’s colleagues and fake belonging there well enough to be believable. Like a chameleon. That's a very specific talent. Then again, Ichigo is so in love with the asshole, he’s probably playing it up in his head. “You’re kind of scary sometimes.” In a way that makes Ichigo itch to get his hands on him and follow him down that rabbit hole, because he’s obviously also not quite typical. He mirrors Shiro’s scoff though and backtracks. “I’ve seen you embarrassed so many times. I’ve seen you embarrassed twice in the last hour.”

That offer tugs his guts up into his throat and then heats them as they settle back into place. He’s never stopped wanting Shiro for a second. Not even back when he was trying to convince himself it was hate. “If it were that easy, I’d let you.” He gives Shiro a flat look at those words just because Shiro can be willfully oblivious when he doesn’t want to face something head on. But Ichigo is nothing if not blunt enough to cut through bullshit. “Shiro, he thinks you turned on him the last time he needed you. Do you really think he’s going to come ask for help? Do you think he would’ve anyway?” Getting Grimmjow to admit he needs anything from anyone is like pulling teeth. Actually, he thinks Grimmjow would rather lose teeth. But Shiro and Grimmjow were close once, so who even knows. “I don’t know if it’s even that personal. Do you have any idea how much of a song and dance I had to do to get him and Urahara hooked up? He still doesn’t know I had anything to do with it. If he did, he probably would’ve come after me.” Grimmjow, damn him, can still kick him around pretty good when he has it in mind. “But I’ll be sure to let him know you want to help. He can be your problem for a while.” 

He really does care about Grimmjow, but fucking hell is the guy high maintenance. Just thinking about it has Ichigo in a bad mood. But the last Ichigo heard, he was working for someone else on the side though, so this is probably old information.

Shiro’s tone leaves him feeling like he took a cheap shot. He probably did, but he also means it. He’s not always a great friend, but he doesn’t do it halfway. He sure as hell doesn’t leave them to die alone. 

Ichigo doesn’t comment, he just nods while his brain chews on that. Shiro has a lot of people’s dirty underwear in his pocket. 

Ichigo pulls into a parking space, scanning the street as he exits his car. It locks behind him as he walks toward Shiro and tries all over again to ignore that skin Shiro has on display. He’s never been here. Never even noticed this place, though he’s familiar enough with most of the city. He glances in through the window and thinks it looks exactly like the kind of place these clothes came from.

At first it was kind of difficult to imagine Ichigo sitting at a desk, writing into the early hours of the morning, hours he's usually out roaming the streets or working a very different kind of job. But the more they talk about it, the more easily the image comes to him. He never really saw Ichigo bent over his studies when they were together, but he knows that's because he was too much of a distraction. Without himself in the picture, it's a lot easier to imagine.

He scoffs, "I never do anything embarrassing." Very very not true. Ichigo makes himself so punchable sometimes. Shiro struggles not to roll his eyes, and plays along instead. "Oh, don't downplay that. It'll be the most interesting part of the whole story. Who doesn't love a doomed romantic subplot attached to the misunderstood character? Most of the criminal population probably doesn't read anyway."

Ichigo's not wrong, but damn that's kind of harsh. "Yeah but I'd say no to all of them real fuckin' fast to say yes to you instead." He'd drop everything and everyone for Ichigo. Obsessed, like Ichigo's going to write in his book. And he's glad for the confirmation that he's the hottest guy Ichigo knows, but he didn't really want to hear about whatever complicated thing is going on between Grimmjow and Ichigo. Except it shifts gears into something. Shiro blinks, then heaves an exasperated sigh. "I understand he's mad at me, but I'm literally so loaded I don't know what to do with it. All he has to do is say something. Hell he could'a just sent me his rent bill or something." What an asshole. He doubts Grimmjow wants handouts from him, "Or I could find work for him. Doesn't even have to be illegal shit. I have a lot of connections."

That scowl makes Shiro's hackles raise, but the words take most of the fight out of him. He's so twisted up about Ichigo. He sighs. "I do. I do wanna be friends." The problem is that he doesn't know how to be just friends with Ichigo. He's going to settle for it, because it's all he's going to get, but it's going to hurt.

He shrugs. "Not all of it. I move the important stuff. Politicians, celebrities. People who think they're being discrete. Only reason I never moved my own product before was because I didn't trust myself around it often." He offers up a sort of self deprecating smile. "That's not an issue anymore. But it's a lot of product, a lot of money and a lot of networking to trust to someone else, so it works out."

He watches Ichigo check his own vehicle from the driver seat, and starts rolling down the drive when he sees Ichigo climb into the car and start it. He takes them into the city, to a hole in the wall alt fashion shop that has too many items crammed into a too small of a space. It's his favorite place for clothes though.

[quaranmine]

Re: your 2000 word fic

Jimmys relationship to the watchers is so interesting, especially compared to Martyn’s, because they’re in the same realm of thought with different means of approach (doubly if Martyn wasn’t born into the cult like Jimmy was).

Martyn’s realm of thought: God is real and hates me and I hate it back

Jimmy: God is real and everyone seems to hate that, and I’m not sure if I do

And like. Jimmy as a character is so [synonym of interesting] because he’s sort of a sheep. He has his own personality and opinions of course, but they are largely formed off of others and how they perceive him. Jimmy works well in group situations, but when he has to be alone, he flounders. So of COURSE when left in a high stress environment and isolated because of his red life, he’s gonna go back and try to find comfort in the gods that had a community. And Martyn, in turn, is going to see this and go “what the fuck are you doing, this isn’t good, the watchers are evil remember” to which Jimmy goes “they’re the only thing that loved me at face value”

Normal about this excited to see where this goes 👍

oh this ask is making me EXCITED again!

So, we're pretty close to the same page on this. Also this story is super duper AU to Evo. I'm keeping the same major story beats of things like 1) Martyn attempting to leave 2) the Listeners contacting them 3) the dragon fight & all of that 4) Jimmy being given a mission from the Listeners and 5) the Evolutionists leaving with the help of the Listeners. But the setting itself is very altered and the day-to-day life of the series is way different. (I.e. cult-commune.) It also won't be totally compliant with Martyn's eyesandears life series AU, just in the sense that I don't care enough to meticulously adhere to all the details. It'll just be kind of loosely influenced by all of the above.

You've also hit the same idea as me on Martyn not (fully) being raised in it. For what I wrote last night, Martyn was brought in to Evo with his family around age 12 ish, and allowed to continue outside education (Jimmy is very very homeschooled.) This basically means Martyn was old enough when introduced to the Watchers to not ever really be a true believer, and also a bit of a bad influence on Jimmy. Well, a good influence in this case. So Martyn definitely grows quite bitter about it as he gets older.

And in this case, when I say "true believer" I mostly mean that they believe in worshipping the Watchers and that they're a force for good. There isn't really much of a "are they real" for any of the Evolutionists because they demonstratively are. Now, for Life Series members who are not former Evolutionists, they may not realize Watchers exist at all. And for later in life, the Evolutionists may question if the Watchers are truthful in just how god-like they really are.

Anyway. Yeah Martyn's very much like "God is real and hates me and I hate it back."

Jimmy, at least in the backstory part I've written, is a lot more like "God is real and hates me because I'm a bad person, and I hate myself because I can't figure out how to be a good one." In this case, he feels super trapped in his incredibly sheltered life and questions a lot of stuff. But he knows he shouldn't question this. Doubting the Watchers is wrong. So he wants to be good. But he can't shake all of his, like, existential anxiety about being trapped. And then he hates himself more for that. He's kind of killing himself from the inside out with cognitive dissonance. He's finding it harder and harder every day to believe but he thinks that's his own personal shortcoming.

Martyn has kind of arrived at a "I need out because the Watchers suck." He has more anger about the situation and less self-hatred. Jimmy is not there yet and is instead more like "the Watchers are right and good and I'm the problem."

(This is also pretty in line with your comment of Jimmy being kind of a sheep--he is struggling much more than some of other former Evolutionists to put aside how he was raised.) (I haven't mentioned Grian much but I think he was also raised in it like Jimmy, but unlike Jimmy he's pretty defiant of the Watchers. Which gets him nothing good in the end.)

It doesn't help that being constantly literally watched is like psychological torture? No wonder the guy's mentally ill. Which I think feeds into the eyesandears concept of Watchers feeding on negative energy. Jimmy's general existential distress is like catnip to them.

And like, he DOES join the Listeners. They DO leave Evo. He does leave, and live normally. But that doesn't mean that he comes out of his choice to turn his back on the Watchers unscathed, and that he doesn't feel guilty. I think the "I'm the problem" mindset leaves him vulnerable to going back to worshipping the Watchers again later. He still carries this deep seated sense that they're right.

So when the Watchers strike back, and he's placed over and over in horrible circumstances like death games, at some point it's all got to snap right?

"they’re the only thing that loved me at face value” - it's completely untrue and exactly the type of thing he still believes. He's the one that left, after all.

[theanonymousninja247]

✨ Star Friends ✨

When I found out that @chessman-protocol boy Crit liked Astronomy, let’s just say I was beyond estatic and immediately planned this little comic. Here’s to my boy Vincent doing his best to make friends with folks who share similar interests 😅💙

Funny enough, I didn’t realize I put this in Vincent character’s until I looked at the whole thing, but Vincent very much shares the lack of stranger danger the way I did/ I do to this day. To quote one of my past managers I’m “abnormally friendly” or whatever

I can’t tell you how many times even as a small child (drove my parents nuts) that I saw a cool person with whatever connecting factor and I just straight up walked to them and was like “Ok cool. We’re friends now.” And nobody’s really stopped me? So apparently I have friends now. 😆

Vincent however is just a wholesome baby boy who doesn’t realize he’s actually an intimidating hunk of a turtle and randomly walking up to strangers and not saying anything can be taken the wrong way.

Like I said, he’s trying his best. He wasn’t exactly the most socialized if you can’t tell, but he does love dearly and is certainly a boone of a friend to have once you get past the inevitable social awkwardness. He’s loyal to put because he really doesn’t know better, and I adore him for that. Anyway, dunno if Crit knows any ASL or not, but either way Vincent is just excited to meet somebody else who likes space ✨🌌 💙

[frederickkittens]

.

[iinterstellars]

for some reason her answers don't surprise him. thomas had a feeling dephne thought of him as this very stoic, controlled gentleman. he can't fault her for it, it's the image he tries to PUSH OUT; though as far as he's concerned it's not exactly a gentleman stereotype as much as it is just him being a decent person. he supposes it comes with the role he plays within the community, a caretaker. no one in their right mind would trust him if he didn't look like he had his shit together after all. her little teasing jab does make him laugh though and he reaches out for his glass once again then takes a very mindful sip. " ok, i'm not THAT old or boring… " he retorts, shaking his head ever so slightly. he knows full well they're treading in very dangerous territory, but the very pleasant buzz of booze is making it all feel fine and like it ISN'T SO BAD to talk about intimate things that will inevitably make them closer, or worse… awkward with eachother. for a moment it seems like he's not gonna say anything else but then his mouth opens and… " just for the record, i'm not… " a missionary guy, he means. but he thinks it's clear enough. he's unfortunately, so frustatingly oblivious to the possible repercussions of his imprudence. " that sounds really nice, " he comments because it really does. it's weirdly domestic too which makes him feel different somehow, happy almost giddy, he could try to figure out the reason behind it but honestly he's a little bit TOO drunk for that right now. and even if he wasn't thomas isn't exactly the most introspective person despite the fact that he's in his head, overthinking, WAY more than he should. " although that's kinda making it seem like i'm not really nice to you already… and we both know that's a lie. " he might be a little bit strict when he's teaching her the correct way to dress wounds but that's normal, he thinks. still, there's a relaxed small smile on his face. it's clear he LIKES the idea; he may or may not be even looking forward to it if it ever happens. he's a surprisingly easy person to please and she's proven to be SO GOOD at it. that's part of the problem though… she makes him feel a longing he has NEVER felt before, she would fit so easily in his everyday life, that it's almost painful to keep her away but he knows he HAS to. she deserves better, younger, someone without half a life experienced. was it really that surprising? as soon as she starts coughing he's moving to place his hand on her back, patting softly to help. there's an amused expression in his face because… really? it's THAT unbelievable. he looks around and realizes now that there are plenty people around them so his voice lowers and he moves away ever so slightly. he doesn't want to give off the wrong impression. " inside a car… it was a LONG time ago, " the way he accentuates the word long makes it seem like a lifetime ago, in a way it really is. he was a teenager still, it was probably with his FIRST ever girlfriend when he had barely even discovered sex. can't remember too much about it so he doesn't even know if it was good. an eyebrow raises at her answer, and although he's interested. now is not the time or place. " i won't ask you to show me then. " he's internally grateful that she steered the game into SAFER territory considering he can see some people eyeing them curiously. he doesn't like the attention. " pretty sure every guy has, at least once. " he concedes with a chuckle and then drinks. he's trying to think of what to ask next when he sees meredith and a small group of people entering the room. " oh… i think it's finally starting… "

THEY ARE PLAYING WITH FIRE . a dangerous game . defne has always been one to run with wolves , to push the boundaries and make people blush . but it's all so different with thomas . mainly because he doesn't seem to WANT anything back . he'll give her answers , but he has no idea WHY she wants them . he has no idea how much she thinks about him . he has no idea about anything . for a moment , defne almost wants to shake him and say WAKE UP DUMMY . but . . . she assumes that's the alcohol talking . her face is so red as he paraphrases her words , yet makes them sound more lurid . when he tilts his head at her , defne wonders what he sees . unlike her , his eyes seem to rarely wander . THE PERFECT GENTLEMAN , despite what he's saying next . her mouth opens . then closes . she does it a few extra times then reaches for her drink and takes a few quick sips , lets it burn its way down her throat . because of course she's thinking about thomas then . thomas' arms beside her head as he pushes into her . him kissing down her neck . her body . SHE FEELS LIKE SHE'S ON FIRE . for a second , she squirms in her seat . their positions have reversed and she isn't experienced with this feeling . " you're a missionary guy . " she finally says , and she doesn't mean it at all like a bad thing . part of her almost doesn't want him to confirm or deny because then her brain may stop working . " you would schedule sex in , if you could . " THAT part is a tease . her attempt to get back onto equal footing .

defne isn't surprised by what he used to cook . eggs . steak . salads . protein and meat , clean and neat . it almost makes her wish she'd gotten a chance to cook for him in HER kitchen . a proper meal . something that she'd watch him devour , bite by bite . she yearns for it so intensely that she doesn't know what to do with the feeling but let it sit within her , like a lump of coal . " maybe one day , if we get the ingredients , and you're REALLY NICE TO ME . . . i'll cook for you . " she'd love nothing more but she can't offer him anymore of her hands . her heart isn't just on her sleeve anymore . it's in the palm of his hands and he doesn't even realise it . they have kitchens in their houses at elysium , but obviously not a lot of use for it . defne's house is shared with the other girls she arrived with , so it's mainly more of a COMMUNE than anything else . still , she knows the couples are allowed their own living arrangements . not that . . . her and thomas . . .would ever .

WHEN THOMAS DRINKS , defne is so shocked that she coughs hard , almost in a fit . she half bends at her waist , her hand resting on the table to keep her up . because the images of thomas having SEX let alone in PUBLIC is so raunchy and desirable that heat shoots between her legs , and this is really getting ridiculous . " WHERE ? " she asks , because of course she does , even though they both know he's less likely to answer . at his own question , she sighs jokingly and takes a sip . she's got a few shitty stick and pokes . " none that are visible . " defne informs him , before she takes a swig of her drink , which is almost empty YET again . she realises , belatedly , that the room is full now and she hasn't spoken to anyone else . " never have i ever . . . punched someone . " she's veering them back into safer territory for now . she can't know anything else about thomas' sex life or she may implode on the spot .

[angorwhosebabyisthis]

honestly it's been really healing being back to actively contributing things and writing out thoughts on tumblr the last week or so, because while twitter tends to be easier for me to write out Thoughts on without getting overwhelmed, the environment in the twitter fandom circles i'm interested in is not only infested with antis but cliqueish in a way that is caustic to the fucking soul if you try to express a thought that's more than three sentences long--a hundred times over if you're autistic in slightly the wrong way--and it's incredibly reassuring to come back to an environment where the very kindest and most inclusive people toward you are not clearly thinking the r-slur the entire time they interact with you lmao

[cursed-princess-club]

my apologies if this is out of place on your blog- it's one of the few CPC blogs I know- but am I the only one who feels weird about the whitewashing Frederick's character is going through in fandom right now? like demonizing the CPC (a place literally made of the oppressed) in favor the white, cis, het, oh-so-innocent-and-pure boy? and making it seem like he was completely in the right to be racist to Gwen (unintentional racism is still racism!) and that everything he did was 100% justified and explained.

Again, sorry if I sound like an SJW (can't believe I'm using that term in 2024) but this just really rubs me the wrong way.

NOOOOO I get where you're coming from, you're valid in feeling that way. (also it's totally okay to send me asks! i enjoy talking about cpc :D and i'll do my best to answer them!)

white boy favoritism is definitely a Thing in fandom and. yowch. generally we've seen characters ignorant towards how people on the braided island look where even the cpc thought that gwen was cursed at first (shoutout to molly for being normal about leelathae!). if i remember correctly leelathae's implied that she's human which makes me wonder about the lore... plus I don't really know how defined witches are with their stances in Hashtag Society but i feel like there's probably a social stigma or something there too... are all of them "evil"? are they born witches? do they all have similar traits? Who knows.... and yeahh the braided island inhabitants are a fictional race, but also the coding! the other pastel kids resemble their white father more, and they're technically mixed, while gwen is visibly more like her mother. like being more visibly indigenous or latina but if you were gwen in cpc. which makes me think yk

by definition the cpc is a disabled support group!!. (club my beloved) personally i also like to add queer in there too heh... and also majority of them being women! so they are meant to be representative of the oppressed,, Even if they're all rich princesses. (but i think that's just more because of the setting lol, since they're treated/treat each other like... well... normal people... so i feel like them being rich isn't a point trying to be made. slightly off topic but this is something ive thought of haha) I DO understand what you mean tho and why it rubs you the wrong way. frederick a flawed character that shouldn't be put on a pedestal. same with the others, they're flawed! and i like em. i like frederick! they all grow and change and i like watching their progress! (it does really suck how ignorant the people in universe are though about other races... may be a worldbuilding thing again. i wonder about the other fantasy races in cpc! how different are the wizards and witches seen? and fantasy racism is a whole other topic i don't know if i can bring justice to in a discussion gadiufnhdam)there's a lot that can be argued about how they function and the name and how they treated frederick and tori's argument too but i digress </3 (i'm open to opinions though!) i gotta think more about the worldbuilding and stuff kek

OVERALL!! frederick isn't perfect, the club isn't perfect, but i don't think any of them should be demonized for it because to me that's the whole point!! that nobody's perfect! lol lmao xd welcome to the club yk. imperfect people are just people n stuff