#i rambled a bit

[zzzoup]

so i have a theory

bro left viva in the cave on purpose because he was working with the bergens the whole time (HEAR ME OUT)

the bergens were willing to give the trolls independence in exchange for a princess,, BUT peppy was gonna scam them and give them viva instead of poppy (the bergens wanted poppy— aka an egg— to indoctrinate easily) because he claimed viva wasn’t his child (basically why he NEVER mentioned her)

he figured it would be easier to say she died during the escape than have to give up his thrown to an illegitimate child. Why? BECAUSE HE’S EVIL 👿

also it’s already established that he probably has very old-school beliefs considering he didn’t tell poppy ab the music thievery that pop trolls did.

the thingy i drew was the last time viva ever saw peppy 😇😇😇

[kugelbombed]

small ramble because I'm too big a nerd for marble hornets NOT to :

no, Tim doesn't have DID! or black out episodes! he's actually not a proxy at all.

the whole concept that when he has the mask on, he's in a different persona? it's actually untrue. he's fully sentient and himself when he has the mask on - he knows what he's doing, who he's talking to, and it's the same person.

the only reason he forgets things in the series is because the operator wipes his memory. he forgets things after the operator gets his hands on him, or through Alex. Tim doesn't remember getting his leg broken, because Alex was there with the operator when it happened. other than that, he's sentient.

why? he was confused. he didn't understand, so when Brian came along (also fully himself), showing Tim how Alex was "the problem", Tim was enraged and teamed up as "Masky" and "Hoody" to work against Alex and the operator. theyre not proxies, they never served the operator, and they're fully sentient.

I recommend watching NightMind's video on it! NightMind my goat. gave me a completely new understanding on the series.

feel free to ask away if needed. :)

[scribbledghost]

Ooooooh I’m loving the inhuman vessels headcanons 🥺 I love the world you’ve built!

I do want to ask though… it feels like bliss for the reader, but how do you think they feel about being away from their literal lives? I know I’d love to live with the vessels for eternity and beyond, but what about their families and friends beyond the manor? When they think of them, what if the other vessels see that through their mental connection… i imagine they’d worry about reader leaving but would probably also not want to hold her back if she misses them? But then what if she can’t find the manor again…?

ahhh thank you!! And I've thought about this a lot lately, so I'm really glad you asked!!

So, here's the thing about the manor: no one can find it if they're specifically looking for it. One can only find it by stumbling upon it. It lives in a place between realms, between realities, and the only ones who can purposefully return to it are the vessels themselves.

The vessels know this. It's why, the first time you ventured away from the manor without telling any of them, Vessel especially freaked the entire fuck out. His meltdown got even worse when he couldn't feel his mental connection to you anymore - meaning you'd left the grounds where the manor lives. You could have been somewhere in the surrounding forest, or you could have left the woods completely; Vessel wasn't sure, and that scared him to death.

It was one of the only instances where he spent extensive time away from the house. He spent days wandering through the forest, desperately trying to find you. See, the manor is hidden to those who search for it, but the vessels are a bit different. The vessels themselves can be seen in the forest any time they are not on the manor grounds. This has resulted in the four of them (Vessel in particular) becoming somewhat of a local cryptid in the area. People go and search for them sometimes - particularly the youth in bizarre dare/hazing rituals. They are still tethered to the forest itself, but people can see them if they're outside of the manor's boundaries.

That being said, it was dangerous for Vessel to spend so much time away from the manor. His connection to Sleep did not waver, but his connection to the other vessels vanished. It was... unsettling, having that space in his head go unfilled.

It was a full week before he found you, stumbling along in the forest, lost and afraid. You'd left the woods to go visit loved ones, but hadn't been able to find home again when you'd returned. Vessel had guided you home, and once the relief and emotions had relaxed some, all of you convened to discuss what had just occurred.

I think you're right in that none of them want to hold you back from remaining tied to the outside world. They don't want to isolate you or sequester you away from those you love. That being said, I like to think you all come to an agreement where if you would like to venture out of the forest, one of the vessels will wait at a predetermined spot for you to return later, so they can guide you back home safely.

[shibaincubus]

Authenticity

In todays age it's easy to get fed trends stereotypes etc. and we adopt them thinking that they are beneficial to us

We distort ourselves cause it's what everyone is doing and are prone to idolise people and putting them on a pedestal

Looking up to people is not the problem but it gets to a point where it's literally concerning.

࣪ ִֶָ꩜ Girl at this point you are emulating them. Loosing your real beautiful self࣪ ִֶָ꩜

Authenticity=Confidence

You can maxx out everything in confidence but if you are not authentic are you even confident? Or are you too insecure to show your real self.

Emulating someone does not make you that person. You will not get an ounce of the aura they have.

Inauthenticity is like people pleasing

Just like people pleasing we are letting others/society dictate who we are and diminish our uniqueness

You are feeding your energy to other people and you are in they're energy vortex

That's just wasting your energy -> makes you shine less

It's a silent killer tbh and kills your confidence

It's giving servant energy tbh.

Is this what you want??? Is this you???

Ways of inauthenticity

It's a spectrum

Not saying your opinions/pretending to like something

TO

straight up making a persona

Reasons: Fear of Judgement-> Insecurity-> Escapism-> Perfectionism - -> People pleasing and a lot more

We can put this definition into 3 examples

#1 -> You are someone with strong opinions, different mindset than others etc. You want to have a high social status. You feel like your real self is diminishing the chance to get one because it's soo 'different' from others -> "in a bad way"(your thoughts)

-> To gain my status I have to deform myself even if it just makes me insecure and gives me the opposite that I want INSECURITY

#2 -> You feel like your real self is not your highest self so you are trying to chase it in the internet by posting a 'stage self'. The more follower you gain the more dissatisfied are you with your real self.

-> My real self isn't good enough in reality and not even in the internet ESCAPISM

#3 -> You are in a slump, but you don't want to lose your face in front of other people. Even your closest friends and family. So you are keeping up a fake appearance to ignore your feelings and hoping that your problems will disappear

-> I don't want to burden anybody and feel indebted. I should help them with their problems not give them some. It just destroys my cultivated image PEOPLE PLEASING/PERFECTIONSIM

────୨ৎ────────୨ৎ────────୨ৎ────────୨ৎ─How to gain your authentic self back

Explore yourself Start by diving deep into who you are. Think about your values, strengths, and what really matters to you. Reflect on what you enjoy and what you don’t in different areas of your life, like school, hobbies, and friendships. 

You can keep a journal where you can track every new resolution; ramblings and things you find out about yourself.

Practice Self-acceptance

Accepting yourself and practicing self love can make you more comfortable in your real self. There are countless inspos out there.

Remember mistakes don't diminish your worth. You have to be willing to express who you are without worrying about what others think.

Stand by your beliefs and values, even when it’s tough.

Surround Yourself with Authentic People

Make sure you’re hanging out with friends who encourage you to be yourself. These relationships should feel safe, where you can share your true feelings without fear of judgment. Practice being honest with the people around you. Sharing your thoughts and feelings can strengthen your friendships and help you feel more authentic.

Create Daily Habits

Develop a daily routine that reflects who you really are. This might include mindfulness practices, setting boundaries, or doing activities that resonate with your values.

Reflect Before Decisions

Before making important choices, take a moment to reflect. Make sure those decisions align with your true self so that you can stay true to who you are.

Overcome People-Pleasing

People pleasing and being unauthentic are going hand in hand. They are literally soulmates.

People pleasing is a complex issue that has to be addressed from the root.

To make this post compact, I will not write my stance to people pleasing here because I already did an extensive post with everything you need to know about it

Causes to Solutions

Click me to overcome people pleasing

────୨ৎ────────୨ৎ────────୨ৎ────────୨ৎ─

Being authentic is reclaiming the it girl energy that you already have. It's a hard journey but 100% worth to complete it to the end

[somerando9776]

You asked for random asks so what's your native language and what's your favourite quirk of it if it doesn't bother you that much

Malayalam, its a language from the southwestern part of India(from the state of Kerala) and uhhhhhhhh a quirk... uhhhh cutely forgets everything i know about this language we have like. 4 ways of making the t/th sound(four different letters for it) and 2 ways of making the r sound(two different letters for it) but its different from how u say r in english. cuz if you take the r in english and compare it to, say, spanish, spanish has a rolled r, like a lot of other languages, same in malayalam and hindi, but we have a specific letter for the english r sound. so yeah. speaking in malayalam with an english accent(or any accent where u say the r of the english language vs the rolled r) is a recipe for disaster

[thecircularsystem]

You said you didn't experience stress or the other word with your diagnosis

Are you genuinely saying you don't experience stress with derealization or depersonalisation or dissociation?? I guess not everyone experiences it like me but you don't get distressed when your brain tries to convince you that you're not real? Do you experience denial? Doesn't that stress you out?

I'm sure that it's possible to live without stress but like, really?

Genuinely asking just shocked at the idea

Transcribed continuation of ask: To be clear I’m saying the cons of the dissociation and the other stuff don’t outweigh the pros of being a system? Like get there eventually sure I’d much prefer to get there eventually but idk from the offset? /End ID

Hey, thanks for the asks. I like discussing this a lot, as someone who experiences very little distress anymore over my system symptoms (lol). Fair warning, this post gets into a lot of trauma stuff. TW for descriptions of abuse and a bit of ideation discussion!

Here’s the kicker: I really don’t experience many symptoms anymore.

By the time I got diagnosed, I didn’t experience those nearly as much. I used to go into what I called dissociative fugue — stare at a wall time — for hours, and that was distressing. But that is far, far in my past now. I can distinctly remember the last time it happened, which was over 2 years ago at this point. I can’t tell you the last time I lost track of the fact that I’m a real, living, breathing person. That was when I had just started therapy, and since then, I don’t… feel it anymore. It’s not part of my experience.

When I first realized, “something weird is happening in my head,” I was definitely distressed… for about 5 minutes. Then my friend (abusive) told me she experienced the same exact thing, and so I was normal. I found… a lot of joy from my system after that. I convinced myself that my “characters” in my head were made up to take care of different stressful parts of my life, and I assumed everyone was sort of like this. Like, Wade did home life and Sierra did school life. Isn’t that what my Mom described, “being a different person at work than at home”?

So I didn’t experience distress over my symptoms. And, well, at the same time, I did. I lost time constantly, but I didn’t realize it was my system. I thought I was just an idiot. I was significantly depressed, but I figured that was… yknow. Depression. Not Trauma(tm) whispering in my brain. But that was it, and the thing is, I usually... forgot I had felt bad in the first place. After all, I was only depressed when Wade was out; Sierra was at school and she felt fine. So really, I was only depressed when I was at home, and even then, it only happened now and then, and was I really depressed? Naaaah.

It was like that for a long time. And then, we split our persecutor, and the Two Years of Blackout Memory happened, and then boy howdy were we distressed and dysfunctional. But again, I don't remember most of college -- I don't remember that distress and dysfunction. I remember it happened, and my fiance could definitely tell some stories (maybe @circulars-singlet has stuff they could say on this matter), but for the most part, I don't feel it anymore.

When I got my diagnosis, it was after moving out from my parents house. I'd been gone for about a half a year and living with my partner, who really helped me overcome a lot of my problems. They're the one who helped me the most, forcing me to get a therapist. Three weeks later, I'm diagnosed and getting weekly therapy.

And now, with three years under my belt... I don't know, like...

When I start to doubt I'm real, I roll my eyes and hug myself. I flick my nose. "If I'm not real, take that, asshole." When I start to dissociate, I have my partner there to help me come back relatively quickly, or I can ground myself fairly readily. It doesn't distress me because it's so normal now. Genuinely, my autism distresses me far more, I get so in my head about it.

The cons of my systemhood absolutely do not outweigh the pros. I am alive today because of these chucklefucks in my head. I am alive today because I have the ability to forget it all. I am alive today because I did not feel like it was happening to me.

And now I can recognize it was me, and I can breathe and acknowledge I'm safe. I can recognize I'm real, and that's okay. I can communicate readily with all my parts, and we function together as well as we can. When I do get distressed, we can handle it, and it happens so rarely due to DID things that I don't really find my DID to be distressing.

Instead, I get 14 other people helping me each day, which nobody else gets the benefit of in my life. Score! And hey, the amnesia means I get to relive some of my favorite things that I never knew were favorites. The dissociation means I can just... ignore bad stuff.

There's definitely worry. I won't pretend that EVERY OUNCE of distress is gone, and lord knows I am dysfunctional as hell. But...

It's still an incredibly good life, and I owe that life to my DID. It's not a disorder, dragging me down. It's a disorder built from necessity and survival. And I couldn't be more thrilled that I was strong enough to survive that.

Does that make sense?

[kittenthecatt]

HELLO FELLOW NON-ROMANTIC STANLEY & NARRATOR APPRECIATOR!!! Honestly for the longest time I thought I was alone in seeing a positive but also entirely platonic/familial relationship between them.

OMG SOMEONE ELSE HIIII!! I thought I was alone too 😭 honestly just purely because of how the Narrator acts with Stanley it just feels like he's disciplining a troublesome kid. It's like he's teaching his son but his son happens to be a little gremlin that's a grown man

I've never really seen the appeal of Stanley x Narrator other than they're the only men in the game. Especially with Ultra Deluxe having the Narrator directly say he made Stanley it just feels weird to me.

Also platonic family crap is so charming generally to me... I need it so bad

[dust-jacket-analysis]

There's a lot of discourse going on over on TikTok right now regarding Booktok. And as an avid reader, Booktok watcher, and someone who has a deep love for analyzing the media I enjoy, I'd feel remis if I didn't get my thoughts out there.

I know these particular posts never got much engagement when I posted on my old account, but if I could please just have a bit of your time. This is all apart of a larger subject of which I'm extremely passionate on.

Four days ago Booktoker @bookishwithb aka, Celine, posted a video. In that video she talked about the rise of anti-intellectualism, specifically on booktok. She addresses the way books are "marketed" or presented on booktok, and also how that has an impact on the publishing industry.

Her main talking point was how a lot of books are being recommended based on what tropes are in them. More specifically, reduced based on those tropes. Her example being the Poppy War, by R.F Kuang.

She talked about how she's seen it marketed as a book with "a strong female main character." And how infuriating that was to her. She went on to explain how there was so much more to the book and how it was about war, and trauma, and how dark and deep and impactful it is. I highly recommend this video to anyone interested. Because while controversial it says a lot about the "tropeification" of media (which will probably be a post by me sometime in the future).

And as is the ways of the internet, this sparked something huge.

So many different creators responded to her video. Some agreeing, most disagreeing. There's been outrage, and healthy debate. But mainly (and most importantly) conversation. Everyone throwing their two cents in, people defending the right to read what you want how you want.

And since the original video went up, this conversation has taken on a life of it's own. It's now become about reading for fun Vs. reading for analysis.

Many argue that it doesn't matter why people read, or how. Just that they are. Others argue it's a sign of a bigger issue that readers no longer engage in the story's their reading.

I have my own opinions. I agree with both sides on certain things, and am overall enjoying the discussions. But, as always, I have things to say.

There are some books that, while entertaining and a fun read, have no substance per say. No analytical value. I think a lot of those three-hundred page medium spice romance books you find on a table at Barnes and Noble fall under this category.

Now, I really love reading those books. Their quick easy reads that keep me entertained. But, they really cannot be analyzed past surface level. Very much not a time to try and think critically.

Those are the books I read for escapism. When I just want to decompress and turn off my brain. Or make a long car ride pass by quickly. And that's okay. Yes? Because it's still reading. I am still gaining something from it. Physiological benefits, it's encouraging and strengthening my empathy. I am still (in some cases) increasing my Lexile, and keeping my brain working. Which is amazing.

Other times I read things with very high analytical value. Such as High Fantasy Novels with social commentary reflecting our world. Or Dystopia packed full with metaphor, allegory, and symbolism. Or even my most recent read for college: Brown Girl In The Ring, by Nalo Hopkinson. An amazing book commenting on the suburban sprawl, and urban decay. Sprinkled with magical realism regarding Afro-Caribbean culture, and even mentions of Romani practices such as Tarot.

These are books I read knowing I need to turn on the part of my brain that's very analytical. That enjoys breaking things down in that way. Storylines I have to engage with on an additional level, otherwise I miss the entire point of this story. It's not only important, but necessary.

So, yes. Reading is reading, now matter what. And any reading is better than no reading. And we should foster that mindset, especially amongst younger generations. But, that doesn't mean you should never engage critically with a book or show or movie you're consuming. Because some media requires that for a base level understanding. And saying that doesn't make me elitist. Or pretentious or judgmental or a snob. Because it's really just true.

I've seen a lot of creators bring up the literacy crisis in youth, specifically in my country (America). How many kids can't read at a level they should be in elementary schools. Even in Highschool. And that we really should all just be content there's an entire community at least reading at all. That we should encourage any and all reading.

And to that I say... yes, but no.

Because here's the thing. There is in the most literal sense, a literacy crisis. The kid's can't read. And it is absolutely devastating. As someone who grew up devouring books every week, reading three grades above my own, it's soul crushing. So I do think reading should be more pushed and encouraged. In school, in the home, everywhere. As much as possible and appropriate for children. Any and all.

But, there's also another literacy crisis. A Media literacy crisis.

Media literacy, the ability to critically analyze and engage with media, is at an all time low. According to a survey done by Media Literacy Now and, the Reboot Foundation, 42% of respondents were taught how to analyze media. Let that sink in. 42%. That's less than half the people who participated in the survey.

(More statistics generated by AI with the following prompt: Give me reliable statistics regarding media literacy in terms of books/reading:

A Survey done by the National Endowment for the Humanities states 65% of adults have low literary skills when it comes to reading comprehension, critical thinking, and expression.

Pew research conducted a survey with resulted in 57% America adults having read at least one book in the last year. With 26% American adults not having read any form of book in the past year. Including audio books.

The American Library Association has said that the average American only reads four books per year. And more developed countries only have average citizens at ten books a year.

An Survey done by Reading Partners has said that 1 and 4 children read at a below basic level by the end of 4th grade.)

And we see this sentiment echoes all over the internet. Constantly videos are made with people talking about how they were never taught Media literacy, and their should be a class all about just that (Which... I have thoughts on. Again, another post).

Even though you can (rightly) argue that this skill was taught. In English class. That's not the point. The point is that people cannot only not read, but most young adults and fully grown adults cannot read critically. Cannot, will not, and aren't.

And in some cases it's because they don't and still don't have the resources. But these statistics aren't just minorities, people in poverty. These surveys and statistics cover people from every walk of life. Poor, Rich, White, Black, Asian, Hispanic. Queer, Straight, Trans, Cis. All ethnicities, wealth brackets, identities. Every demographic. It's indictive of a larger issue.

So we should encourage reading for fun. Reading to read. Reading for escapism. Reading of every kind. But, to claim that there isn't an issue? To trample creators addressing these issues with insults? To claim it's them being pretentious, snobby, elitest, Privileged etc.? That's feeding the issue.

Recently my friend recommended me a video essay, which I unfortunately can't find (Will edit the title when I can).

But in that video, my friend told me that the creator says something... so insightful. She defines stupid as this: Not a lack of knowledge, but the unwillingness to accept new knowledge.

Which is just... such a perfect way to look at it.

You aren't "stupid" for not knowing how to think critically. For not having learned to analyze media, and for not having the resources to do so. But if you have the resources, have the ability to learn how, and you don't/refuse? That makes you stupid.

And by burying your head in the sand and claiming that there is no issue, by hiding behind pseudo offense and that claims of judgement, you're being stupid.

Don't be outraged that the creator of the video that started this all. Don't feel "called out" or judged. Don't put words in her mouth. She wasn't saying people cannot read for enjoyment. She was simply pointing out a larger issue.

--------------------------------------------

To end this very long and tedious post, I'd like to provide a couple of videos in order to help improve Media Literacy! Just some videos I've watched that I found helpful (Also if you just go on youtube and search up "how to analyze..." you'll find so much more)

Crash Course Media Literacy: A playlist series that breaks down media literacy and the history of media as a whole.

How to analyze a Book- 101: This video gives techniques on how to better understand what you're reading, and how to find the main themes and organize them. It gives tips and processes.

How to Read (and Understand) Hard Books: This video breaks down the three types of reading and even gives book recommendations that touch on that.

A beginner's guide to Critical Literary Analysis: This video is made by fellow tumblr user @bluemooniegif (One of us ✊One of us✊). A very good video for beginners. They literally opens the video telling the viewer you don't need any prior knowledge. They also has another video on her channel, which is just the next step up from this one! It's super great, and perfect if you're younger or have less of an understanding on any of this.

Diving into and developing media literacy skills takes effort. It's not a skill you can gain over night, and requires time. But, if you're willing to take that time, a whole new world opens up to you. And you begin to look at everything through a whole new light.

[musicawizard]

just watched a clip of the final fifteen (GOs2) again by passing and ended up balling my eyes out. a literal year has passed and it still hits me as if i were seeing it for the first time - which is, in a way, incredible that it still evokes that level of reaction, but leaves me pondering once again with the concept of grief and how it continuously takes it’s hold on you.

no matter how many times i look at the scene - with different perspectives, interpretations, pov’s - it does not take away from the devastation of the situation, the emotions that we, the audience, experience alongside the characters, and the utter power and importance of storytelling (how our voices hold power, influence, and can make an impact)

It doesn’t take away the fact that we can’t change the course of the events, even if we wanted to (and believe me, all we want is for our favorite Angel and Demon to get their well-deserved happy ending); and we have to make peace with the fact that waiting is a part of the journey - both in ours (as the audience) and in the lens of their relationship. It could be argued that the concept of “Waiting” has been a 6000+ year foundational element to Crowley and Aziraphale’s relationship, even if we aren’t looking too deep into that aspect. Waiting for change, waiting for the day where they could truly be together, to choose one another without complications, without fear - you name it all.

And that in itself is also full of grief, isn’t it? The drive and impact of fear. That unknown territory, everything that can be missed and lost due to waiting? Everything that you risk losing, everything you do lose? The way our actions can be governed so by its influence, and we may not even be aware of it either.

and, as per usual, i cant help but think about how special Crowley and Aziraphale’s dynamic is, because it’s not just made up from one concrete thing/applicable fandom trope. it’s all so, well, ineffable (<3), and it really reminds me of how special it is to be impacted by characters and storylines like this.

There is so much love put into stories like this, and the fact that we can feel the collective grief because we are deeply impacted by it all - is pretty special

-

the point of all this rambling? not quite sure myself, but

- grief is so intricate

- i want crowley and aziraphales happy ending so bad right now, but part of that waiting is also making peace with the fact that there is grief written in between the lines, and it’s something that just comes with the process

- im rambling so ok byee 🫡)

[marzimars]

PLEASE, I have to know more about the fanfic you won’t write, that art is incredible and I am intrigued. Why does Gio have black hair in some drawings? Is he a vampire? Are Haruno and Gio different people?? Why is this so good??

So sweet!! And tysm for the questions! I def feel like I’m a better artist than writer so i like to make detailed outlines for fics without any commitment. And I’m glad some of y’all are at least intrigued lol.

Anyways Haruno and Giorno are not different people even tho Fugo feels like they are. From his pov the often meek student is replaced by a bolder and charming blonde who recently joined the gang. It also doesn’t help that “Giorno” insists that he doesn’t know who Haruno is, but he eventually breaks after fugo continues to persist.

Giorno is irritated because he gets a second chance at life (at the cost of his humanity sure) but it seems all Fugo wants is the previous version of him who Giorno has declared as dead and gone. Giorno is now the person Haruno wished he could’ve been, someone with the power to change fate and make his dream a reality. So yeah he’s a vampire here cuz I’m a big fan of vampire gio in general, tho idk if he would know that for sure in this fic so I kinda keep it vague. Not completely human and not completely not human.

Tbh they both want the relationship they shared before but in different impossible ways. oh to be doomed by they narrative. Not completely tho, I don’t have it in me to make a bad end for them. :’)

[drowninginthoughts27]

11/8 Sun Cream Word Count: 854

(infidelity) @pandalilymicrofics

“Did you sleep with him?” Her voice comes out pained, hurt, exhausted even. “Huh, Pandora?” The roughness of it not unlike one of a woman who had be crying, sounding not unlike Pandora’s voice only hours prior. The utter desperation of it, stripped down to the bone, vulnerability at its best. The humility of it almost made Pandora break with her, but only almost, she was done letting herself break for the time being.

“Why does it matter, Lily?” She pressed, biting the inside of her cheek as she spoke and praying that Lily didn’t hear her mirrored pain on the other end of the line. She couldn’t have been more thankful that this conversation wasn’t happening face to face cause if it was Pandora is more than certain that she couldn’t have schooled her emotions as well as she was fighting so hard to do now. Not to mention how she would most definitely react upon seeing Lily so broken if just hearing the hurt in her voice alone distressed her so deeply.

Lily's voice comes through the line much harsher than the barely there whisper that it had been mere seconds before. Almost yelling as she says, “God dammit Pandora! Because it does matter. We matter, or at least we did. To me at least.”

It’s silent on the other end of the line thereafter, aside from Lily’s erratic breathing accompanied by the obvious sounds of her pacing around her apartment (an apartment that up until only a short while ago they had both called home) in a desperate attempt to expel some of her pent up energy despite the people living below her and their rather frequent noise complaints. But Pandora could just barely make out the last few words that she had said, the ones mumbled under her breath, if more to herself than anything, ‘To me at least.’ And all Pandora wants to do is shout back to her that they did matter, that they do matter, that what they had wasn’t one sided at all. That it was true and it was real and it was filled with so much more life and love than anything Pandora had ever experienced before.

But she doesn’t say this, she can’t bring herself to. She doesn’t say anything for that matter, despite how much courage she tries to muster up inside herself. And that’s all the answer Lily needs as she ends the call without even saying goodbye.

And that’s what hurts Pandora the most, not the anger, or the obvious pain in Lily’s voice, it’s the lack of a goodbye. That so deeply uncharacteristic act of Lily’s that makes Pandora truly realizes the severity the situation at hand. How hard the final nail on the coffin that now holds their relationship had just been driven in.

Lily had never left her with that little of a goodbye before. Never before had she not at minimum said a simple ‘I love you’, reassuring Pandora that she would be back, telling her how much she meant to her before either one of them headed out the door. No matter if it was the early hours of the morning when Pandora was barely conscious and Lily was running off for her morning swim at the beach just down the road, rambling on about how she can’t forget her sun cream again for the millionth time. Or in the evenings before Lily went out to the pub with her friends to celebrate whatever major sporting event was on tv as had been a long standing tradition for her. All to come back home to Pandora at the end of the night in her slightly tipsy state and snuggle up next to her, relaying all the stupid stuff she had watched go down throughout her evening out. Or even in the midst of their fighting when Lily needed to just go outside to clear her mind and get a breath of fresh air before they could have a more civilized conversation, even then she said goodbye.

But then again never before had they been in a situation such as this. And Pandora knows deep down inside of herself that she won’t get another chance of redemption after this. To spare their relationship anything more than grief and regret from this moment forward.

Despite how much she tries for it all not to feel real, not to feel so painstakingly true, it does. Not in the way that cold water sends a sharp burn or the breaking of a bone provides a sickening snap. Instead, in a true, gut wrenching way that sinks into every crevasse of her being, reminding her how fatal her mistake had been. Just how much it was bound to cost her.

At the end of it all she can’t help to think how destined she was for this to happen. How she never had been fit for that sort of love and adoration that Lily had given her so freely. She had to go and sabotage it for herself in some subconscious way. Because in the end it was no one else’s doing, all Pandora’s, and there’s nothing she can do to fix it now. It’s simply over.

[y313y]

I’m sleepy so have my two Amy Redesigns. Both taking place as she’s older? I’ve always favored Amy’s classic design; and wanted to incorporate it for the first thing. But uh art is hard. Second is a more recent attempt on how I felt she’d be more grown. SUPER HEAVILY INSPIRED BY BIOGILATES. Idk why I just feel like that brand suits her sm???? Oh long hair is just i felt like it suited her i can go more into depth but this is already so long…

[giobun143]

Being autistic is hyperfixating on an OC and their development when nobody else will cuz they're your special lil pookie and they deserve the world.

[augustismgremlin]

me: (mutters) “coin’s a bitch.”

my friend: “i know right?”

me: (snaps head towards them) “you’ve watched the hunger games?!”

[little-pup-pip]

12: what’s some good advice you want to share?

Hmm, I see a lot of people worried about not doing things 'right', and I don't like it! There's no wrong thing to enjoy, or an incorrect way to play, or talk, or look, none of it is wrong!! If there's any advice I have, it's to let your regression be yours!!

[aceofstars0]

Basil with my left hand vs right hand lol

As a side note, I sometimes have to remind myself what it's like to be a beginner by switching my hands. I was teaching my friend how to crochet a few days ago and whenever I do that I realize that I can't just tell them to tighten their yarn because they don't know how to do that yet, they really don't know what it means. So I go home and I crochet (or in this case draw) with my opposite hand because whenever I use my left hand, I suddenly forget anything I ever learned about that skill and it shows me what the beginner is going through.