#i probably have social anxiety but i cant go to a professional because people are dying of covid like leaves falling of a tree

[matchakuracat]

chronically ill/physically disabled people, how do you deal with doctors appointments? what do you say/do to advocate for yourself? im autistic and not diagnosed with a chronic illness yet and i really struggle to know what to say to get them to listen to me and understand so that i can get the help and care i need. even if i bring someone with me, they also need to know what to say and i don't know anyone who understands well enough to explain to the doctor for me, which means that i have to tell them what to say before going. but that's the problem since i just don't know.

i have chronic joint pain that ive had for years but has only gotten worse over time. i also have hypermobile knees which are the worse they've ever been right now. i'm chronically fatigued and barely have the energy to eat and do basic hygiene. i have a few friends that i talk to fairly regularly and im very thankful for them but i still struggle so much with maintaining a social life when i cant even maintain my own physical wellbeing. i only go outside when i absolutely have to/when my pain is low enough and i have enough energy. on average i probably leave my house about once or twice a week, usually to go to medical appointments, to an internship i have once a week or to go grocery shopping. i usually try to do both at the same time if i can (like going grocery shopping after my internship) but most of the time i have to ask my parents to get me groceries since i dont have enough energy to. all i want is to be able to go outside just to take short walks and enjoy nature and the fresh air but i can't do so without the right treatment/a mobility aid. everything im doing right now is bordering the line of too much. im constantly tired and overwhelmed and everything feels like a struggle, even the smallest tasks most people do everyday without thinking twice about it.

i have almost only had bad experiences with doctors and other medical professionals like physiotherapists, which has given me a lot of extra anxiety on top of my already pretty bad social anxiety. i really struggle to make appointments and even more so to go to them, and when i bring myself to do so i really struggle to express myself and explain how i feel and how i want them to help me. i almost always get shut down and offered no actual help with any of my problems. i just don't know what to do anymore.

if anyone has any advice i'd really appreciate it. i know that i can't give up because my life right now without accommodations is too miserable, but i also don't know how to move forward.

sorry if this was hard to understand. i really tried my best to explain but im having a bit of a hard time expressing myself right now due to feeling worse than usual.

[nmjoonsun]

it's not people's responsability to make me feel validated and important

[loving-ricciardo]

im devastated if danny gets so hurt that he has to leave f1 for good, bc i had the absolute shit times the previous couple of months mentally, and before this season started youtube recommended an interview w danny and it was smth titled “is the smile always real?” and i watched it and man it was the very thing i needed, which is kinda weird to say it bc he’s a literal stranger to me but i hope you’ll understand what im saying… but just smth about him that he showes about himself through media and stuff and that personality and style and what he does in the vlogs has continoued to uplift me during my down-phases. and to think about all this shit and how it must be affecting him, the person who’s positive mindset changed me, is surreal and i cant imagine how he’s feeling.

hi hun, first of all im sending you the biggest hug and i really hope your mental health is better now (disregarding the current Daniel situation) and i hope the universe is gentle with you 🧡🧡🧡

okay, i might go on a bit of a rant here-

i started watching this sport more closely because of Daniel. Like he is the reason I’m here today and ever since i started supporting him i tried to like define my ‘relationship’ with him ~I am probably not gonna make complete sense here~ but like I couldn’t imagine meeting Daniel on street and being like ‘omg I love you. you changed my life’ because he is literally a white rich man driving in circles like it’s a bit silly to care so much about him (this is me @ me btw like it’s an internal struggle I��m not ‘judging’ other fans! You do you besties!!). Like I’m a big football fan but I still could never really justify being such a big fan of them?? Like I obviously have favourites but i always compared them to my favourite authors and songwriters and honestly I have no idea why I always struggled with this like it’s not that deep.

Okay I lost myself and I’m too lazy to go back and rewrite it but I just wanted to say that I had different drivers which I liked for their driving style but it was too superficial for me to get into the sport for (again nothing wrong with that-) and it wasn't until I saw an interview with Daniel that I was just instantly charmed and impressed with how he presents himself. Like Daniel is the definition of ‘fake it till you make it’ and ‘act confident and no one will question you’. The sport is brutal and you can see he under all that charm he is just an anxious insecure lil gremlin who created an 'alter ego' to sort of protect himself from the outside world. Don't get me wrong like Daniel is his alter ego but it's just a bit of a different version of him and I do admire that. As someone with social anxiety I try to channel my Danny Ric energy when I can't control things hh.

And his energy is just so kind and warm and SO positive as you've mentioned. Like it must be SO draining to try to be so positive most of the time and like keeping his emotions in check,,, i admire that so much. Like he could be an asshole (i mean he is a charming asshole,, he does use that smile to get away with saying mean shit sometimes)- he literally doesn't own anyone anything but no he takes time to make people laugh and to give them a show and interact with fans and like even when he has bad days and he probably wants to lock himself in his driver's room he still tries his hardest to be his cheery self and even apologizes to people when he thinks he is not being positive enough- just all good all ways even though he keeps jumping from one toxic team to another--

and like normally i am pretty good with boundaries and i mean i am dramatic on this blog and i do get upset when his race goes badly but i can usually shake it off quickly but ngl these past two days,,, my heart is so heavy and im SOSOSOS pissed and SOSOSOS sad because the way mclaren is handling it- noone deserves let alone daniel who had been one bad race strategy after another yet still trying to be positive and professional... URGH i know this sport is brutal and unfair but this is truly disgusting

idk if this makes sense i am very bad at expressing my feels lol but yeah i hope danny has a good support system around him and im sending him and all daniel fans the biggest hug and good vibes, we will get through this <333

[im-the-punk-who]

Hi! I read your dog training post and firstly - so sorry people are idiots. I’ve been wanting a dog (not puppy) and everyone tells me I have to stay home with it 24/7 and if I work outside the house I shouldn’t get one but your post kinda seems to me that that’s what I SHOULDNT do since my dog won’t be properly socialized if I’m with it constantly like that. I’m interpreting that correctly right? If so then a lot of the dog owners I know are idiots too lol

Hey! So - yes and no. Lol. It really depends on the age of the dog you get and their particular behavioral needs but in general, no please do not do that lmao.

If you get a true puppy - like under 6 months - yes, you should plan to spend at least 6 months not being out of the house for more than 3-4 hours at a time. (The younger the dog, the less time you can have it be alone, and the longer you'll need to do that.)

This is for two reasons, but really the biggest is that puppy bladders are tiny and their attention spans are even tinier. I never actually consider a dog 'housetrained' until it is 14 months or older because that's when they pass through their adolescence. The time from 9-14 months is a REALLY BAD TIME TM for both dogs and owners, lmao. It's when most behavioral issues crop up, and also when the dog goes through a lot of biological changes(whether or not the dog is fixed, but particularly if it isn't) and this can crop up in a lot of weird gastrointestinal shit and a recurrence of potty issues. Just liek when you're stressed and your stomach acts up, dogs get the same. And if you're home you can make sure this doesn't turn into a longer term potty training issue.

The second reason you need to be home with a puppy is that otherwise they are *alone* - which is where the socialization problem comes in. If you have other dogs, animals, or people in your home this is less of an issue. But honestly either way, people should be bringing their dogs to get structured socialization from the time they are 16 weeks old. From birth until 18 months is when dogs do the bulk of their social learning. (I know that 'experts' like to say that you only have until the dog is 16 weeks and experts are dumb as shit. This *is* when they do their best learning, but a dog can *learn* to be social at any age. I have worked with dogs as old as 10 who learned proper social behaviors.) Any learning done before adolescence is finished is going to be the best learning because a) the dog does it while it's in 'baby' mode and is *seeking* biologically to learn, and also because they don't have to unlearn any bad behaviors. And frankly, humans are not equipped to teach dogs dog behaviors(unless you're like me and have been trained in behavioral work).

This is because when humans interact with dogs, we're frankly shit at teaching boundaries. Which is one of the biggest and most important lessons a dog is ever gonna learn. If Fido learns when he's a puppy that a dog growling at him means back the fuck off, he is gonna be a lot smarter about trying to approach a growling dog as an adult and also, that growling dog is gonna be a lot less threatened by a dumb little puppy than a full grown dog. (Now, obviously, do not bring your puppy up to a truly aggressive dog to learn. But even well natured dogs will growl when a puppy is annoying them. And a REALLY well trained dog will give them a small nip or bite if they truly cross a line. This is IMPORTANT. and GOOD. because that tiny bit feels a lot bigger to a tiny puppy, and they're going to remember that boundary without having ever been in true danger. And, they'll have learned BODY LANGUAGE OF DOGS. Which is another thing dogs are GREAT at teaching that humans aren't. And the more of this stuff you can have your dog learn by observation (whether that's on a pack walk, at a structured play group, or by even watching other dogs play at the park, the better that dog's brain is gonna be growing up.)

However most of this doesn't apply to older or adult dogs who have already been socialized. Now, if you're specifically looking for a rescue dog who has anxiety, or has been under socialized, yes I would say you need to be prepared to spend time with the dog when you first get it training it, teaching it that it's okay to be alone, etc.

But if you're just looking to get a well adjusted adult dog, then no, after the first few days your dog *should* have already learned these skills, and should able to be left alone for at least 6 hours. If that's not true, your dog needs a trainer to address whatever fear or anxiety it is having about being left. Now, you should probably plan on taking a long weekend when you first bring your pup home to really make sure the dog settles in, bond a bit, and make sure there aren't any surprise behavioral issues and *get the dog a dog walker if you're going to be out*. Even if later you realize it isn't needed, I always recommend getting a dog walker if your dog is gonna be alone for more than 5 hours. Dogs need socialization even when they're adults and not only does this mean they get exercise and attention during the day, it also takes the pressure off you to rush home and deal with your very bored attention starved pup who is probably crossing their legs.

But - to sort of answer the question - no, you should absolutely not pamper your dog when you first get it by spending every second with it because then when you *do* go back to work or heck, if something happens and you want to spend the night out with friends, family, or go away etc, your dog is going to have A Mental Breakdown TM. In my mind a big part of having a dog is building both 'alone time' and 'structured play' into their day. Even if I'm home all day, I will leave for 1-2 hours and my dogs go in their crates. And also every day they get either their 2 hour walk when I take my client's dogs, or if i'm off we go for a 45 minute bike pull so they get their mental stimulation.

It's just like people - socialization is not JUST for socialization, it's for mental stimulation and being around the same person day in and day out is a little like asking the same person 'how's the weather' every day and calling it mental enrichment. And I really just want to shake people who went through an entire pandemic being locked in a house 24/7(even with roommates or family) and were complaining about all the mental stress that caused and then turn around and think their dog could possibly be happy never seeing anyone but them. Like?????? Please. PLEASE lmao.

Anyway you should absolutely get a dog even if you cant spend every second with it, as long as the type of dog you get is conducive to your living situation and you are prepared to spend at least 3-4 hours a week purposely letting your dog interact with other dogs *or* getting a dog care professional to do it for you. <3 <3 <3

[theunconcernedembalmer]

ok i got the aesvic out of my system now time to pick apart the letter n why i wont really be following aesops diary exactly here. literally no one asked but i wanted to get my thoughts down somewhere cos i have. a lot

just gonna put a quick rundown of aesops diary entry as a refresher (mostly for myself so i dont miss anything): he dreamt that he was helping jerry with what was probably a murder n was affirmed n he thinks its a sign congratulating him on carrying out his duty. over the years, he carries out his duties as an undertaker n comes to the manor looking for a “fresh start” aka what sounds like his first victim. according to aesop, said victim should be quiet, n potential victim number 1 is victor. something about badly needing him to become his “silent friend” n he mentions he’ll get to wick n the 2 other survivors in due time, but for now he’s very eager to start his “mission”.

im generally okay with the letter (i have seen so many fights over this aha) cos there is no surprise he wants to kill ppl (ppl who r fighting over this point. did u even read his deductions?? guy happily killed his mentor??). but i didnt quite like the fact that he still looks up to jerry (although. i guess thats valid i just. dont like it). i was also initially kind of confused about the real reason why he would want to kill ppl since as u progress through the letter it sounds less like he kills for duty (cos of the whole dream thing at the start) but more “because i want to :)”, which is an okayish edgy kinda take imo. like not that u cant characterize aesop as Kill Kill Murder Die, but i kinda find that. pretty boring in the long term.

im just gonna put what my original take on aesop was, like all of it. first off, he hates jerry. u cannot tell me a psychotic serial killer like that can raise a child without emotional trauma. like any child, this isnt even counting the extra damage done because hes autistic. (n i also hc that aesop has read his moms letter to him at some point, n he should have come to the conclusion that it was somewhat also jerrys fault, whether through logic or denial that his mom would want to leave him, so that just adds to it.) but as much as he hates him, his teachings are the only ones hes been exposed to, n its been so ingrained in him since young so even if he hates jerry he would still subscribe to whatever twisted ideology jerry was feeding him, which ill get to in a sec.

going through his accessories, he has that origami that he folds for each of his clients, n it shows that underneath it all, aesop is still kind. this isnt expected of him n its definitely not part of his job scope as an embalmer. he (still?) has the heart to wish the best for those that have departed n takes the time n effort to fold one for each n every client he sends off, which is probably a lot. so going off on that, my hc is that jerry, being the manipulative asshole that he is (who probably definitely manipulated his mom into indirect suicide) probably used his kindness against him to make him believe that by murdering ppl he is helping them, framing all of his serial kills as a sort of mercy kill (like his mom). so the thing that aesop takes away from all this is the very twisted logic that by killing ppl he is helping them, therefore being a good embalmer and a good person in general. n everyone wants to be a sort of good person, or at least for aesop that is part of his job description to be a good embalmer. n we all know aesop is very serious about his job.

i also hc that he has killed several ppl between killing jerry n coming to the manor, cos i follow the story that he took the invitation from that poor lady n thats how he ended up at the manor. surely the lady didnt come to him right after jerry died?? but anyway, the way i see it is that he thought he liked to kill. like he finally truly understood why jerry kills so much (which is interesting now that i think about it. guy really just went along with all those murders without truly believing huh), because it felt good to kill. at least thats what he thought, the revelation that killing felt good n is good, but i say its because he hated jerry, n offing someone u kinda hate should probably feel pretty gucci. n its also so much easier to pick clients off the streets than in the manor, so i would think that he has killed ppl like his mentor did, but each time he did the great feeling that came with ending ppls life just. wasnt as good as the first time round. it just became a sort of normal satisfaction of a successful embalming.

this can go two ways: 1. he keeps on killing to try to find that great feeling again, which is cool i guess (n probably what canon would want, except canon states that he hasnt killed since jerry), but id like to go with 2. he just stops because jerry isnt around to enforce it whenever he isnt feeling up to psychoing someone to their death (which is probably how jerry got his victims, n damn if that doesnt take a lot of mind games that i dont think aesop has the mental capacity for since half of it is fighting with his social anxiety n other issues. dealing with alive strangers?? no thanks?? i doubt he would have learnt properly how to lure in clients as efficiently as jerry because of this, mostly cos he was only needed for the murder afterparty aka embalming n funerals). n as much as he stays professional, there is no. professional way of gaslighting someone to their death.

(n also since ppl have pointed out that his twitter replies n other kinda informal stuff have shown that aesop does have reverent respect for life, which also adds to him not being so blindly bloodthirsty as implied in the letter. i dont really see the twitter replies as very canon, but it does make sense that he would come to revere life with his unique take and obsession over death, for one cannot exist without the other)

so this leads me to the motive that aesop brings to the manor, at least how i see it. he isnt exactly coming to the manor to kill per se (like from the very early story, he came to the manor to return the letter to a relative of the deceased lady, something about respecting her last wishes. something like that, its really been a while since i saw that exerpt), so like killing ppl isnt his main purpose of visit. its more of hes always on the lookout for weaker (or at least those that take less mind games to kill) people to mercy kill, n it just so happens that he knows the manor n his mentor almost died from there, so theres a pretty good chance he can find some ppl that fall into this category n so it just so happens that he also has a job to do there. its still counted as a Job for him since no ones gonna tell him that embalmers dont actually. murder. 

so in my version, aesop only tries to sway ppl that he knows he can convince, n these ppl would typically be those very sickly ones like his mom (andrew im looking at u) or those with an actual death wish/ very weak will to live. but here aesop is choosing his “first victim”, and the criteria for that is... quiet? never mind “not evading him” and “not cranky” being on the list too, but that isnt quite what i was expecting from someone so dedicated to their duty of murder. sure he wants an easy first kill, but like. i dont think its consistent if his motive was really to continue jerrys bastard legacy. especially when the next paragraph is essentially him gushing over victor, that... sort of implies something else. or at least in the way i see it, since i believe that canon wants us to think that aesop just really loves to kill.

aesop likes victor. very much so. so much till he wants to kill him. which i guess makes sense cos he likes death, n now he likes victor. so he just. puts the two things he likes together. whats better than victor? dead victor. anyway the rest of the letter is more like “whatever, i technically should kill the others too but my priority is victor” so like. he confuses his (dare i say) yandere tendencies with his duty since the end goal for both is a body in a coffin.

having said that. i know i have aesvic brainrot but i also know this is one sided as hell (at least from the letter alone, not counting the letter shaped cookies in his birthday art that apparently belonged to victors birthday cake aha) n lowkey alarming since. the goal is to kill victor. i kinda want to interpret it as him genuinely wanting to be friends with victor (really wanting him to be a “silent friend”, maybe cos he doesnt actually know how to be friends with living ppl n is better with dead ones? therefore victor should be dead to be friends?) but not knowing how to n throwing in his obsession with death ends up with. this minor disaster waiting to happen. but i uh. dont know if this is valid. its valid to me at least, with my original interpretation of aesop. n again cos of his ingrained professionalism, he also kinda sees this as part of his job to send ppl off, so its another plus. not for victor, tho.

idk if ill add this yandere side in my aesop. i mean my boi has technically tried to kill victor multiple times in the past HAHAHAHA. maybe like sometimes he can be a bit obsessive. as a treat. but generally nah cos thats definitely gonna end up in a murder somewhere somehow n i cant. just kill victors here on the ask blog scene lashjflkjhdlfkjhas

so yeah that kinda takes care of the last part of the letter, as for the first part. as much as aesop hates jerry, i would also think hes pretty starved for affirmation (like i said jerry isnt going to be a good parent figure ever) n i guess it makes sense if the only times jerry has ever complimented him was aiding him in his kills n hiding the evidence, which might (?) add to his desire to kill (but that probably dies with jerry aha). so the way i see it as aesop is getting affirmation n takes it as a good sign instead of. remotely liking jerry. idk if im stretching it a little but i really dont like the take where hes okay with jerry. anyway we are ignoring that he hasnt killed before entering the manor cos that doesnt quite make sense to me (i wasnt dreaming about the letter from a lady stabbed in the face 36 times or so right???? right???????)

im also not like. trying to defend him, im just trying to make sense of his diary. boi has issues n is a little too far gone (not as far as canon tho), in my take very deluded in his way of showing kindness. literally cool motive still murder (or in canon, just murder?), please get therapy. but i just dont really like the direction that the letter was originally trying to imply, with him really just hell bent on murder without like. a clear motive (at least to me it isnt very clear since the last part really doesnt sound consistent with his supposed intentions). i mean i love being edgy with aesop every now n then but i dont think it would make for meaningful characterizations in the long run so. ill still be sticking with my original take on aesop with maybe a bit of yandere for victor cos thats always fun

[this-is-my-depressing-page]

I tried indirectly telling my mother that fidgeting with things is super helpful for my online classes and I have a really hard time focusing when I’m at home and I just need to stim... but she didn’t get it because I can’t exactly tell her that blatantly or she will probably go on some rant and then bring in five million other people into it and make everything worse.

Anyways... I then showed her a fidget cube on amazon and told her I used to have one of them and really liked it until it was stolen. She told me, after laughing that is, “you don’t need that, you have other things to mess with” and she’s right... but those things aren’t the right things. I have squishes but they squish and stay for a second and it messes with my head. And they aren’t even for stimming. I want a stress ball that has the other little balls in it ya know? And I have a fidget spinner I got as a gift but spinning isn’t as good as the amazing buttons and gears and marble on a fidget cube. And spinning makes a friction noise that makes my entire being want to cringe and I sit there physically unable to stand the noise.

My mother doesn’t understand, she thinks that a fidget is a fidget and that even just a pencil would be fine to fidget with. I don’t know what to do. I feel so high maintenance, and like I’m being too picky about the stim tools I like and it’s not helping that I feel this way either. I don’t know how to explain that some things make my sensory issues go through the roof, and how some other things cause my stupid urticaria to flare up because the texture was too rough or pokey. I hate being this high maintenance and my anxiety is trying to kill me for it. But at the same time I’m desperately trying to focus in class and I just CANT because my fidgets aren’t right and I get sensory overload too easily and my hands hurt and then sometimes have reactions and then they hurt itch and burn.

I hate my ADHD... I hate it so much. I really think I have Aspergers but I was told I don’t by professionals but I don’t know how else to explain why I’m so sensory and have issues socially and how I’m super intelligent in some areas and dumber than a celery at others and I just want my brain to work right for once

I can’t even take pills for my ADHD because it makes my anxiety skyrocket.

I don’t know how to get stim tools.... I really don’t. I have no money to buy them myself... I’ve already had to buy so many other things like earbuds to help me shut out noises. I don’t have money left. And I can’t get a job... no one will hire me since COVID has reduced staff and stuff.

I know this is a long rant but basically... does anyone know what I should do? I have no idea what to do...

Edit: I’ve had so many kind people reach out and I thank each and everyone of them! My birthday is coming up so I’m going to use that money to get stim tools. But seriously the absolute kindness I have found is amazing, thank you guys so much. You had me crying at how kind you are. <3

Edit 2: Guys, my math teacher gifted me some things because she adopted kids (I’m adopted) and they have mental struggles too. I’ve decided she is my school mom. I love her so much. AND I GOT A SQUISH! WITH THE OTHER TINY SQUISHES IN IT! IM SO HAPPY.

[lgbtdatingblog]

Eh you know what i wont be stable for a while but im mentally okay enough to meet new people again

Hai! Im lola! Im 17 and im a lesbian! I have a small requirment, and that is be 17 or older i dont really feel comfy talking to younger thats just a personal issue

Im dutch so im sorry if my english isnt perfect, i do have alot of mental issues so if you feel like you cant talk to someone thats mentally messed up thats okay! Thats why this warning is here

I have ADD autism depression 3 types of anxiety, seperation abandoment and normal or what you might call social anxiety, then also bipolar and paranoid PD meaning i over think everything especially when having a paranoid episode which i recently started having, usually it was just looking behind me or walking fast when in public and now i dont feel safe in my room which sucks but i have found out that it calms me to just talk to someone about legit anything but me being scared

Enough with the sad stuff!

I love writing lgbt+ stories, especially fantasy love triangles |demon x princess x princess|

Lesbian stuff yknow, it gives me hope.. alot of hope that i might get a cute wlw or wlnb relationship, just not right now, after my mental issues are being looked at professional, going to a mental hospital type of thing soon just on a long waiting list, its been 4 months :((( its really upsetting, its going to mess with my school now, it was supposed to start in my vacation time but its been 2 weeks into my vacation, the project is 4 to 6 weeks, ofcourse they are gonna have to see if i mix well with the group ect ect

Which will take about 2 weeks, because i will need to have alot of appointments there until they allow me in there its a whole annoying process

But i feel like having new friends will distract me from that all

Im not looking to flirt, but if that happens i wont mind it, just tell me if your flirting with multiple people, but thats a story i wont get into now haha

Im 5'7 :( its very upsetting because i wanna be like a oompa loompa, 4 feet! I would be able to just pretend im not there! That means not talking to people! Anxiety cure!!

Also if i dont reply ill either be in bed reading because i have sleep issues, or ill just have my phone not open seeing as tumblr does not make the light of my phone go on

Im very girly, and i also have issues picking my clothes, so be ready for alot of "should i wear pink or yellow" questions

Sorry this is full of useless stuff and its probably really long im very sorry!

Anyways here is my face!

[dragoneyesstuff]

My ideas of a modern avatar au.

( I've seen others headcanons of the gaang in more modern times so I wanted to share mine!)

(Some small notes on the gaang)

Aang:

Lived in an orphanage for a long time until meeting katara and sokka

Likes aesthetics ranging from cottagecore to frog core.

Loves puppets (in the style of the muppets of course) and made one that resembles Momo.

Absolutely LOVES Nintendo games, with pokemon and animal crossing being his favorites.

Vegan, but doesn't force it on others, he just reminds his friends that he is a vegan when going out to eat or when they have the occasional sleepover.

Goofball. Katara constantly has to watch him and sokka so they dont get into trouble, since together they share one braincell and katara has it.

Katara

Because of her caring nature, I could see her wanting to be some kind of doctor.

Makes sure that no one gets into trouble.

If she didnt wasnt apart of an argument, either her or aang will stop arguments.

Acts like a mom, despite her age. (And has probably done the classic "mom arm" at some point.

Sokka

The best way to describe his intelligence: Has been a straight A student throughout his entire life, but has also has done things like microwaving raw eggs because he thought it would hard boil them. (He found out it didn't)

Laughs at stupid memes and probably has either the best or worst sense of humor.

Plays soccer and is a part time coach.

Eats a lot and will eat random things at random times (zuko once caught him eating a bowl of cereal at 3 am and was like "wtf, dude?")

Like aang, he likes to play video games, but plays games like doom or super smash brothers.

Used to be sexist and kinda tight minded, but now he regularly chugs his "respect women and men juice"every day.

Will pull either really good or childish pranks on everyone. Ranging from that time attacked katara with a nerf gun, to that time he wrapped everything in zuko's room with Christmas wrapping paper (beware of him on April fools day)

Toph

Doesnt really spend money on herself, rather, she spends it on her friends. Most of the time its things that her friends cant really afford but they want, things like a Nintendo switch for aang, or tickets to a baseball game so sokka could take himself, suki, and zuko. But shes also used her wealth to personally help her friends, like helping them pay off tuition and student loans while in college, to personal things like buying an absolutely beautiful headstone for katara's mother, or personally paying for zuko's therapy sessions after he ran away from his abusive home life.

Even in the modern world, toph can still kick your ass with very little effort.

Wears baggy clothes often.

Wants to be a professional wrestler.

Appa was originally her seeing eye dog, but he wasnt really good at it, and she could already used her seismic sense to see, so she ended up giving him to aang

Zuko

Came from a really abusive and toxic home and still has trauma about his scar, but he never told anyone how he got it, except for his therapist.

Has major depression and anxiety. Sometimes he has an endless amount of energy, and sometimes feels like doing nothing all day and lies in bed. Iroh has tried his best to help his nephew, and is proud that zuko eventually realized he needs help.

Did some pretty bad things as a teenager. Ended up serving a stint in juvenile hall.

Had some really unhealthy coping mechanisms. Ranging from shoplifting to setting things on fire.

He started opening up more after befriending the gaang and even discovered more things about himself that he never really focused on.

He is a huge dork/nerd. Dont let that glare fool you.

Loves theater and will talk to suki for hours about their favorite musicals.

Is actually a really good cook. Aang, katara and sokka opened him up to showing this talent that nobody thought he would have.

Lived with his uncle iroh for a while until he had enough money to live in an apartment.

Goth boy. Absolutely loves going to concerts (especially grunge or metal)

Secretly craves the sweet release of death.

Has a thing for idiots.

Suki

Football player

Once absolutely destroyed sokka in a wrestling match and katara couldn't stop being smug about it for weeks

Was the catalyst for sokka realizing that sexism is worthless.

Yue

Sokka's ex.

Died from a terminal illness in her teens

Sokka occasionally visits her grave and leaves flowers on it.

Azula

Power hungry and really insecure.

Capable of really terrible things

Eventually gets admitted to a psych ward.

Ty lee

Bubbly cheerleader

Loves drama and people-watching

Kind of an airhead at times.

Loves to show off.

Mai

Goth girl.

Loves cryptids and witchcraft. Has a lot of merchandise relating to both

Deadpan in just about every kind of social interaction.

Very blunt. Is not afraid to call people out.

Will detect bullshit.

Works with zuko.

Ran away from her family in her teens, but is still financially supported by her parents.

(Now for the adults)

Hakoda

Hard working single dad.

Loves and supports his kids equally.

Basically a father figure to both aang and zuko.

Loves taking everyone on trips.

Will tell sokka to stop messing with his sister.

Police chief.

A good dad.

Ozai:

Owns a very valuable business company worth billions of dollars.

Secretly a cult leader.

Wins the worst father/husband of the year award.

Iroh

One of the few people who ran away from ozais cult and lived to tell the tale.

Hopes his nephew will get his life on track.

War veteran.

Has a great inheritance that he got from his father, but he uses it for three things. 1. To expand or pay off debts for the jasmine dragon. 2. Donating it to non for profit charities. 3. Helping his nephew get through life.

Some general stuff about places and events)

The jasmine dragon isnt just a teashop, its also a bistro/bakery. It's just more famous for its tea.

Ozai's cult is the reason why katara and sokka's mother is dead. Her murder has remained unsolved for years and hakoda has dedicated a good portion of his life to solving his wife's murder.

[alivehahahafuck]

Things We Become In The Dark

Chapter 2 The Doctor

They arrived at the Capitol Event Center slightly on the early side, which suited both August and Elliot, because this kind of thing gets on their nerves. As they approached the seemingly abandoned building they saw that there was an open set of double doors off to the side a little ways away, but still adjacent to the entrance. There was an attendant in a grey pantsuit next to the doorway carrying a clipboard. Her grey pantsuit was the same color as August’s dress. It’s the grey that they make all of the Assignees wear to the Assignment, it’s supposed to symbolize how everybody is equal and undesignated, until they get their job and their colors. August was pretty sure it was a way to repress people and make them love their jobs too much, so they are content and don’t rebel. But, honestly, if it works, August was happy and decided to go along with it. 

The unnamed attendant waved the Braxton’s over, and they obediently followed, more than happy to have somewhere to go and something to do, as opposed to just milling around in such open spaces. Sontharian’s naturally don’t like open spaces. Gives them a weird feeling on their back. That’s just what happens when your entire life is underwater. The lady got August signed in on her LightPad. Now all she had to do was head inside and wait. 

Inside, it was essentially empty, with the exception of random workers hustling about making last minute adjustments to things, trying to get the place ready. There were a few other Assignees floating around, mostly standing by themselves awkwardly. There were two people who had drifted a little too close together and were forced to make polite, but very awkward and forced, conversation. There was one girl who stood out from the rest.

She was this blonde girl, who looked a little nervous. Not nervous in the same way that everybody else was nervous, it was more like her resting facial expression and general temperament was ‘drowning in anxiety’. August couldn’t blame her, seeing as how she herself has a resting face that scared people away. But it wasn’t just that she seemed scared. She appeared to be at least two years younger than everybody else, which indicated to August that she shouldn’t be here. But at the same time, all the workers who were scurrying by nodded at her and smiled, seeming to not have any sort of problem with her presence. 

Subconsciously, August started slowly migrating towards the scared girl, trying to observe her more carefully and figure out what she was doing here. The more she stared at her, the more she realized that the girl was not at all nervous about being here. She acted like she was supposed to be here, among the hustle and bustle. Her nervous expression seemed to be the overflow of the constant thoughts that were running behind her eyes, as if she was thinking about every possible scenario of what could go wrong, and what could succeed.

It didn’t take long until August’s wanderings brought her face to face with the girl, who has acknowledged her presence but didn’t say anything, or diert any attention from her mental simulations to her. Feeling very awkward about the fact that she was standing three feet away from a girl she walked up to, and still hadn't said anything, August opened her mouth hoping her brain would spit out the appropriate words. 

Unfortunately, August was still focusing too much on what the actual hell the girl could be thinking of, and why didn’t she say anything first, that August’s brain more vomited the words out in an incoherent mess. “Hi, umm, I was just wondering, not to sound rude, sorry if I’m coming across rude, some people think I’m an anti-social bitch, well, not that they’re totally wrong. Ha! Actually, they’re kind of right, I really don’t enjoy social functions. Anyways, I’m sorry, I was wondering, again, not to sound rude, exactly what you’re doing here? I couldn’t help but notice that you seem significantly younger than everybody else, also, the workers seem to know who you are and you don’t seem to be nervous about everything like the rest of us…”. August didn’t end up finishing her ramblings with a complete thought, she just left her confusion out in the air. 

Thankfully, the girl didn’t seem to mind, and her lips broke into a timid but amused smile. “My presence here is just a formality. I already know my assignment, I’ve already been working for a year. I’m a rising surgeon in the public hospital system, I mostly do sutures and stupid stuff like that because for legal reasons I cant perform actual surgeries yet. But I’m consulted on a lot, if not all, difficult and bizarre cases,” she replied.

“Oh.” August let the noise out softly, with her lips still pursed into a little “o” shape, hanging on the edge of the next few words. “So you’re a child genius?” she asked, great that’s not intimidating. The girl chuckled softly, looking down momentarily and blushing a bit, a little bit more on her left cheek than on her right.

“That’s a generous way of looking at it,” she replied, “I have an aptitude for medical sciences…”, she trailed off wondering if she should continue, but the girl felt oddly and comfortable around August despite this being the first time they've met. However, despite the sudden trust, the girl got softer and sounded a bit more unsteady, “I can see the entire human body in my mind… every muscle, every nerve, where every last vein and artery should be.” That explained what she was distracted by, probably running through problems and solutions for the human body, all in her brain, “That, and I’m a natural problem solver. Between the two of those I’ve gotten pretty good at fixing all bodily problems: surgery, physical therapy, treating diseases.” Seeing August's look of surprise and inferiority the girl added, “Of course all blessings come with a curse… That’s about all I’m good at. I can’t fathom the mental aspect of humans,” She was still looking into August’s eyes, and August could see the sudden shift from poise and professionalism into unsurety and desperation, “emotions are so hard to predict and control. You never know what a human can do next. I can fix any external pain a human can feel. I can fix any problem. But I can’t fix what’s going on inside their brain, I can’t know what anybody is going to do next, and I don’t know how to fix it..” she trailed off, and August felt bad to see such a young girl have such a dark look in her eyes. 

Trying to lighten the mood, August tried to keep the discussion moving in a more positive direction. “Well that’s fine. Nobody’s perfect at everything. And I’m more than positive you have other skills to make up for it. I mean, apart from the fact that you’re a medical prodigy, I’m sure you have an affinity for other academic subjects too. History doesn’t change, I’m sure you have no problem memorizing dates and events!” she said, realizing she was slipping into the same tone of voice she used around Elliot.

“Actually,” she said, raising her eyes to look up at August, “I’ve never taken any other subjects. I’ve been taught math, biology, chemistry, biochemistry, human physiology, the list goes on. But the Counsel realized very early on in my life that I had the strongest aptitude for medicine that they have ever seen. They paid for me to be sent to the best medical institutions from a very young age, and they never taught me anything else other than what would apply to my job,” Upon seeing August’s confusion and disbelief that the Counsel could be so stupid and restricting on such a young girl, “It’s like how after Assignment, you only get training for the field you’ve been assigned to. The difference being They gave me my Assignment when I was 10. So I’ve taken ‘all of the subjects’, but only to the leel a ten year old would know.”

“Wait. Pardon my speech, but what the actual flying fuck? For the love of Quarre, who does that to a kid! Ten years old?!? And they constricted you to learning what 18 year olds would learn?!?

Wait. If you were 10 when you started.. That’ll mean you’ll be a full fledged doctor when you turn 18, the same time that kids your age will be starting their medical education…” August trailed off and now it was her turn to have her eyes zone out as she got lost in her own alarming thoughts, only to be interrupted by the young girl.

“Yes, it’s unfortunate, but ultimately beneficial. Younger children have an amazing capacity to pick up information at a faster rate and deeper understanding than we give them credit for.

They have such an educational advantage, in fact, that I will complete my learning two years earlier, when I turn 16. Meaning that if things continue the same way that they have, I’ll be a head surgeon by the time I turn 20, and I will be the most accomplished young doctor on the whole planet. My advisor likes to build me up and say that I’ll be the best in the entire Jurian System; but I doubt I’ll even be the best on Sonthar by the time I’m 20. But I will be the best at some point,” she said confidently, “....once everyone who is more experienced than me dies of old age” se clarified under her breath.

“Wow.” August just stared at the young blonde girl who talked more professionally and matter of fact-ly than most adults she knew. “So… child prodigy, huh? Does “child prodigy” have a name, so I can start placing bets on you well in advance, and make a shit ton of money?” August didn’t feel bad about swearing in front of her anymore, seeing as how her age was clearly only an indication of her body's physical boundaries.

“Oh. Yes. Sorry.” She blushed a bit, almost being embarrassed she didn’t introduce herself earlier on in the conversation, “I’m Katarina. Katarina Fox.” she said whilst holding her pale hand out. 

“August Braxton,” she introduced herself, extending her hand back at Katarina for a friendly shake. Although at this point, August wanted to pull her into a tight hug and stroke her hair like she would for Elliot, because this poor girl seemed to have even more worries, pressures, and anxieties than Elliot. Nevertheless, she shook her hand, “Nice to meet you, Dr. Fox” she said with a bit of a coy smile.

As August was shaking Katarina’s hand, she realized that Katarina’s pale pure white skin was different from her own. August’s skin looked as if the blood underneath was metallic and grey. Katarina’s on the other hand (ehh, get it), looked as though her blood was a silver iridescent lava that shone through the paleness of her skin.

“If you don’t mind me asking,” August inquired, “but what race are you? Your skin seems to glow and have a hidden color and life to it. I’ve never seen anything like it before.” Even though she was addressing Katarina, she might as well have been addressing the hand itself because her eyes were still entranced in her iridescent shimmer. She realized her impoliteness and forced herself to look at Katarina’s face, and noticed that now she was aware of the iridescence, she couldn’t unsee it. Her face was dewy with a slight internal shimmer, and her blushing cheeks were a collection of the pink and purple iridescent bits that were typically more dispersed with the rest of the silver. Her eyes were a pale icy blue, but something also shifted behind her eyes, like translucent pools of a dark blue swirling around in her eyes.

August’s trance was broken when the Doctor interrupted her with her answer once again. “Oh yes, right,” she blushed a little bit again, still getting embarrassed by forgetting little formalities. “I’m from pod Sol-.”

“Holy shit, you’ve seen the sun?” Everything was clicking into place for August, of course, she has the Sonthar tan, duhhhh, of course she’s from Sol “Wait.” She came upon another realization, “If you’re from Sol, what the hell are you doing in Dal?” The confusion of August’s face was soon replaced with stunned horror, “...how long have you been in Dal?...” with every passing word her blood began to boil and her words were spit with her disgust. “Did they take you away from your family when you were TEN!?!” 

August understood the pain of being young and having an older sibling taken away from you, that might happen to Elliot at the end of today. But to have a child taken away from their family and brought to a completely unfamiliar place.... “My parents separated when I was nine,” Katarina explained, “When I was put into the family relocation facility, they had to run a bunch of testing to fill out the adoption forms. Families want to know a child’s abilities and qualifications before they take them in.” August hadn't known that about the system. That’s sick! Why is it once I have to start working for these people I realize exactly how immoral and cruel they are? Katarina continued despite August’s horror, “That’s when they realized my gift. They ran more intense testing to see my limits, and sent me to live with a family who had been trying for a child for years. I stayed with them for a few months while the Science Executives filled out forms and convinced the Counsel that they should be allowed to take a ten year old away from their family.

“Obviously, they won their argument and I was taken away from my adoptive family two days after my tenth birthday.” Before August could interject with her disgust and fury, the workers called over the loudspeaker that all of the Assignees need to line up in two lines, male and female, by last name. When August turned around to line up, she realized that she was so invested in what the Doctor was saying that she didn’t realize that the room had become filled with seventeen and eighteen year olds. August and Katarina said their farewells and went to line up. 

[robogreaser]

This is a Long Time Coming...

It’s been a relatively hard task to sit down and make sense of, well, a lot of things as of late. I could chalk it up to the state of the world, but it’s been troublesome for significantly longer than that.

Long Story Short Version: I’ve been in a hell of a place, mentally, physically, and otherwise.

The proper story is a hell of a lot more involved than that and I know damned right well it’s going to take me a fair bit to explain myself and my various professional and social failings over the past... while. I’m gonna try to contain this under a read more, of course, but I apologize to mobile users if tumblr fucks that up.

Okay. That took a fair more bit of effort to figure out than I remember. Which, I suppose, is a fair enough bit of a segue into one thing that’s happened to me.

Tumblr has been deteriorating.

Whether I like to admit it or not, tumblr has been my go to social media platform since... 2011. Yeah. I’ve spent the vast majority of the decade here. I’ve seen a lot. Sure, I’ve lurked elsewhere, but I really cannot stand the interface and nature of a lot of other social media, especially the likes of twitter. Unfortunately for me, this place has been in constant decline for years now at this point. It extends well beyond the porn ban, but that’s a whole separate discussion.

I’ve lost touch with a lot of people I care about, some vanishing into the ether, some ghosting me, some just drifting into other communities or onto other sites. I’ve come to terms with the majority of this. It’s been happening for a while. It’s the very nature of digital relationships. It hurt, and I do think it’s contributed to a fair bit of stress and depression that has resulted in my... withdrawal from online spaces. It’s not a major factor, but its here, it’s present, it’s a factor in all of this.

I’ll be honest in that, well, I’ve tried to make this post several times over the past several weeks and months. It’s hard. Talking about my issues, using ‘I’ and ‘me’ so much in a post... it’s a bit jarring. But I’ll try to suck it up.

It’s been ten years (god I fucking hate time) since I’ve graduated high school. Yeah. It’s a fair thing to say that, on reflection, that’s incredibly jarring. The vast majority of that time has been... relatively unstable. I spent a fair few years working on my book and my publishing journey, now all but scrubbed clean from this blog (more on that later) and... well... Trying to be an adult. I’ve applied to, gotten accepted, and had to withdrawn from my dream school twice in this time. I’ve had a fair few jobs, nothing worthy of my resume, and lost all of them in one form or another, whether being fired for retaliating to my shitty work conditions, or, well, quitting for the sake of my own health during this pandemic. There has been a lot of family troubles. I’ve been through a lot of... ‘varied’ living situations, some horrendous, some just stressful, some, like now, actually really good compared to the others. And for the past few years in particular, it’s been constantly one thing after another, nonstop.

In short, progress is slow, but it’s happening. I don’t care to delve into a lot of these sorts of personal details lest this get to a ridiculous length, but that’s the short of the stuff I’d rather gloss over.

I’ve been on a health... Let’s call it a journey. I’ve been on a health journey. Over the past few years I’ve gone through the long processes of being diagnosed with ADHD, discussing my options regarding my depression and anxiety, and finally getting myself on a medication regimen that works. And then, because the health care system is a joke, I was without insurance. I had been off my medication, an absolute lifesaver and release of burden on my garbage tier brain, for eighteen months. Until last week. I think it’s fair to say, between my revolving door of living situations, employment, and then being un-medicated in a continually more stressful environment... That this is the main reason I’ve been absent. I’ve had no focus. There were weeks where I had no drive to do anything outside of routine that others depended on. I had not only gone back to how I was before situating my mental health, but in some ways, found a worse state.

Finances have been slowly eating away at me. I had been working a part time retail job until November, which made decent enough money, but not nearly for the amount of work and responsibility I was handling. I got fired. I found work with one of the big, corporate postal services. The pay was phenomenal, but it began to actively destroy my health, mainly physically, but also mentally, especially considering I was working a graveyard shift. Eventually when I began having prolonged health issues there, and then a whole lot of the symptoms of covid-19, on top of them turning me down for an entry-level position outside of the package handling, I had to quit. This was shortly after the lockdowns, in early April, and I refuse to look back despite people like my parents insisting on me trying to get work there again. Sure, the pay was phenomenal compared to anything else I had until then, but I cant continue to sacrifice my health. As of now, I’m unemployed, and... well...

I’m working on my commission queue. It’s art. It’s stuff I’ve owed friends (luckily those who are incredibly understanding and good to me) for an embarrassing amount of time, even before moving to and from Oklahoma at the end of 2016. I’m terrified of being the person who is known for taking commissioners’ money and running.

I know, I’m not good at giving updates. I’m not good at a consistent work schedule. I’ve had numerous tech failings over the past few years that constantly slow my roll on any progress I have made. Hell, I’ve had files corrupt despite being two thirds of the way complete when transferring from one computer to another. I’ve lost my cable for my external hard drive. I’ve had my tablet go to hell and back multiple times. But I am working. I am trying. I am sitting down as often as I can between looking for work and managing family nonsense to try and get my workload tidied up.

Which... brings me to my next point. And one I’m rather... ashamed about.

I have used trello, infrequently, since taking on a large load of commissions, and despite not being faithfully updating it and checking back on it, and using it to it’s fullest potential, I had kept, at the minimum, a list of all the work I did owe people using it. Well. Dumbass me attempted to use a mobile app. In short, in an effort to try and make myself tech literate and allow me easier access to my queue, I ended up deleting it. Somehow.

I’ve gone through and slowly flagged all my paypal notices and various emails concerning my commissions. I’m putting it together again. I’m trying. Granted, I am damned sure I am going to be missing someone, somewhere, somehow. I know it. I’ve got a shit brain, and despite my need for organization and minimalism, I don’t put it past me to have missed something along the way.

If you have commissioned me, please, do not hesitate to reach out and contact me regarding your commission. I owe every last one of you a massive apology for my continued failure to produce what you have paid for.

More likely than not, I have a wip already started somewhere, and if not, I have a slew of reference and thumbnails already compiled together somewhere on my computers. I am not ignoring this work. It’s been painfully, embarrassingly slow. It’s been one obstacle after another. But I have every intention of doing this work, and, likely, upgrading the quality of the finished piece past what my commissioners have paid for simply because I do feel bad about the wait time.

I have been inexcusably unprofessional. I know this and I am working as best I can with the time and resources I have to correct it.

In a similar vein, as I mentioned before, I have slowly been cleaning up my rather unimpressive publishing attempts. I’ve gone through and cleaned this blog recently, deleting reference to my work by name and the process of trying to get myself published. I may have missed a few posts here and there, but for the most part I would like a clean slate in regards to building a social media platform surrounding my written work. And this is the part where... I am probably going to be the most upfront and honest with you reading this than I have been publicly before.

I am not ashamed of who I’ve been online these past ten years or so, but it reflects only a sliver of my personality, a sliver of who I am as a whole. I catered to a very specific subset of who I am in pursuit of finding acceptance in communities much larger than myself. I’ve learned a hell of a lot about myself in that time. I figured out what’s important to me, my health, my sexuality, my relationships and my long term goals. I’ve found a very important group of friends. I’ve found people who understand and empathize with a lot of the things I have been through, experience, and am at my core.

But the fact of the matter is, this hypersexual, sci-fi aesthetic-oriented, very open person is only a singular facet. And it is not nearly enough of a reflection of who I am, or who I want to be as a professional, public adult. Will I always be gay for robots? Yes. Will I, when time permits and creative energies are present, continue to make nsfw art? Absolutely. Will I always have a toe dipped in erotic literature and the like? Most likely.

But a lot of me, a lot of my emotion and strife and feelings regarding most things in the world, are completely separate from this. It’s separate from me liking porn on twitter or having a homestuck roleplay blog. It’s separate from who I am in real life, with my boyfriend or with my family or with my work. And I have been dwelling on this, sincerely, for a while. I need to allocate more energy into my life. The separate life offline and online too, where I am pursuing an actual professional career, because, at the end of the day, I want to be an author. I want to have a career telling stories. And, in my time online, I’ve found a lot of skeletons in authors’ closets, the kind that really put mine to shame, and the kind that will always be a footnote to their work. You know the ones.

I want my creative work to speak for itself. I want people to be able to enjoy what I do without a specter, without my time and energy having to explain to a future audience why it is I had explicit thoughts about x,y, and z. I want to be able to write a book, write many books, and have people enjoy them without a footnote about me, a person with a sexual life and a history exploring it through years of depression and isolation, clouding it. It’s not fair to my work. It’s not fair to a future reader. It’s not fair to me.

I’ve got several social media accounts made and slowly coming to life that I need to spend more time with as I try and pursue this new, second leg of a very long journey into publishing. I’m not going to link those here, now or in the future. It’s likely a few people I know and trust have access to them. But I am, effectively starting over from scratch trying to build a platform as a writer. And it’s hard. Juggling that, alongside all of the things in the world today, alongside family and my relationships, alongside my commission queue? It bears down on me and if I didn’t have experience handling more than one thing at a time, I might trip up more frequently. Hell, I forget to post and use those new accounts regularly.

But I’m trying.

I’m not moving away from my current social circles or hobbies or anything like that. I’m not abandoning any fandom or friends or communities. But I am going to be trying to balance myself more thoughtfully moving forward, past just commissions, past just writing.

I’m here. I’m moving forward, slowly but surely, and I am making an effort to improve.

[yfere]

meta something i can't get over- it's episode 66 and caduceus is still so- the best i can describe it is "formal" with the m9? like he still calls them mr fjord and miss beau and when he and fjord have their religious talk in the most recent ep, for example, he says "You have great friends"- he doesn't include himself. not "we" but "you". i dunno maybe im not getting something but it's just weird to me, considering how long he's been with them now, how distant(?) detached(?) *something* he is

(same cad anon) and yet- sorry to just. throw this at you but its been bugging me for ages and your takes on stuff are always incredible to read- he’s also so weirdly close. like, in the same religious convo, he asks fjord to just “let us take care of you”. so its like. i cant tell if thats just a Caduceus Thing, or if he really hasnt had very many close moments with the group. aaahhh i love this guy but i dont Get him at all anyway i’m done now. :)

This is fascinating stuff, I could talk about it all day. There are a lot of what look like contradictions to Caduceus and how he interacts with people, ways he shows affection and emotion that really don’t resemble how anyone else approaches the group. We can see, for instance, that he very much views his role as that of an adviser and a caretaker–it’s what he’s good at, the type of social script he learned at the Grove, and it’s also what he likes to do. He only began liking his time on the ocean once he started feeling “useful” to the group, like his skills were Helping Them Achieve Something. His primary form of communication after Confusion is Sage Metaphors, and the sheer strength and stubborness with which he holds to his particular ideas about how the universe works and how it is appropriate to act results in him constantly offering somewhat forceful, somewhat parental/coach-like advice to the others. That’s not to say Caduceus thinks of himself as a parent, but his focus seems to be on Helping Them Become Emotionally Stable and Helping Them Reach Their Potential, (while they help him reach his), while at the same time he holds very specific ideas about good ways vs bad ways for them to reach that potential. 

And he cares for them in other ways too–Caduceus, arguably even more so than Caleb and Jester is a compulsive gift-giver, a crafty DIY guy who makes things for the sole purpose of giving them away–fixing a sword for Fjord, making copper door chimes for Caleb, taking a single spare moment in the Barbed Fields to weave a sunhat for Yasha. His projects, even when they’re simple, show a great deal of thoughtfulness and are made for functionality– showing understanding of Fjord’s need to be useful, Caleb’s ever-present anxiety and paranoia, hell, Yasha being pale and likely to burn! He takes gifts that other people have given him, like the tree, and makes it into a communal area for all of them, with spaces for all of their gods. 

So it’s true that he cares about them, but it’s also true that he holds them at a remove. At a time when Caleb and Jester are calling the M9 a family, Caduceus is drawing lines in the sand–in his religious conversation with Fjord, he talks about “his” family, and “Fjord’s” friends. Because Caduceus already has a family, and not one that can be restructured and absorbed into the M9, like Nott’s family and Jester’s mother can. A family that doesn’t actually resemble whatever mess the M9 are to each other. Caduceus keeps to formal address, and while this is a quirk I personally nevereverever want to go away, it shows not only politeness but a reluctance to engage on a familiar level, to acknowledge a personal and enduring attachment.

If I were to speculate, I believe Caduceus is viewing his project and his attachments with the M9 as transitory and somewhat professional in nature. Not in the same way Fjord thinks it’s transitory, in that Fjord refuses to decorate his room and fears either they will pack up and leave or he will be personally booted from the group the second he’s not professionally useful so there’s no use getting comfortable. Caduceus’ version is more that he sees a definite End to the M9′s relationship, and believes they are following a Direction, however meandering, towards that End. Once they have helped each other fulfill their destinies, Caduceus imagines himself going back to the Grove and continuing to do what his family has done for generations, what they are Supposed To Do. Just like how you handle a mourner in the Grove by offering them help and guidance, and keeping a professional distance before sending them off to live their life away from you, it looks like Caduceus is treating the M9 in large part as a collection of mourners he can offer mutual aid before they set themselves free of each other.

The trouble is that the M9 aren’t customers and mourners it’s necessary to keep a professional distance from, they probably wouldn’t want to float out of his life when all is said and done. And Caduceus, who has only ever interacted with The Family He’s Known All His Life and Outsiders/Customers (he didn’t even have a friend like the Traveler) doesn’t yet know how to alter his social scripts to handle these new relationships he is seeing and participating in.

[thegirlintheredchair]

Book Review: Eleanor Oliphant is Completely Fine by Gail Honeyman

Rating: ⭐⭐

There are two types of people in this world, ones that get swept away with the tide of hype and ones that judge the hype for themselves. I'm the second type. Actually, I don’t know which circle I fit in. if this was a Venn diagram, I’d probably be the middle part where the two circles meet and that area would say “gets swept up with the hype and gives it a try only to be disappointed” I mean this was my first read of 2019, hell my first read after an almost 2.5 year break. And it was so so disappointing. I mean this debut was heard the world over and I expected to be blown away but I wasn’t...

This was another middle of the road book, didn’t know what to rate it (went with a 2)

My first initial reaction when we were introduced to Eleanor was “not another wallflower character who’s going to transform herself and fix her life”, but I was wrong on that account because what is wrong with Eleanor requires a lot more than a makeover.

the main theme of this book was literally centered around this:

The “i’m-fine-save-me” thing where you say you're fine but what your actually trying to say is “save me”. (BTS, BTS everywhere!!)  if you're interested in both these songs i'll like them: Save me and I'm Fine. Turn on Captions for English. (and this BOMB performance of both songs together) its no secret ... #ARMYforlife!  

This book is also addressing huge topics like childhood trauma and how that leads to depression, along with social anxiety  and I realize that it is hard to write books but I just didn’t enjoy it and I kinda feel bad because I solely picked this book because of the awesome 5-star reviews on Goodreads.  Like i swear to you, all this book got was 5 stars. I don't know why I didn't like it. This has been a supremely unsatisfying year in terms of book reading so far :/ i mean i need a book i stay up till 2 am to read (please drop some recommendations) or maybe somethings wrong with me and i just cant devour books like i used to... :( Anywho moving on to why i didn't like this book:

Eleanor: I'm sorry, but Eleanor was a really annoying character; she does grow on you a little, but only because you start to feel sorry for her; Raymond though is little likable and not as annoying. I liked how the author made us like him by solely his personality and not by beautifying him as a hunk. I also liked how Eleanor and Raymond’s friendship progressed and how Eleanor accepted that she was not fine and did indeed need professional help. 

If I don’t gel with the main character it gets hard for me to read the book and this book, in particular, was more about the characters rather than the plot. I'm sorry to say this but the only reason I didn’t DNF this book was to see if my own suspicions about what happened to her were true or not? (Because I need to feel good about my intuitive skills) because I kind of figured out most of the stuff and needed confirmation. 

it did have a few quotes that were wonderful: 

“There are days when I feel so lightly connected to the earth that the threads that tether me to the planet are gossamer thin, spun sugar. A strong gust of wind could dislodge me completely, and I’d lift off and blow away, like one of those seeds in a dandelion clock. The threads tighten slightly from Monday to Friday.” 

The Absolute Truth:“Time only blunts the pain of loss. It doesn’t erase it.”    

and THIS. I relate to this. i mean its very very rude: “I find lateness exceptionally rude; it’s so disrespectful, implying unambiguously that you consider yourself and your own time to be so much more valuable than the other person’s.” 

I’d recommend this to readers of The Bell Jar (cause i got the same sad vibe from it. but please dont compare this book to that. the bell jar is beautifully written!!! Or if you like stories centered around friendship. besides this is a good read for people with social anxiety or have any social impairment.

This book isnt bad but um the story is very forgettable. It’s an okay read but I'm probably never going to re-read it. Have you guys read it? what did you think? 

[alicezan-ncgred]

Bleeding Red

Preface: I’ve been bitching around the bush of this long enough. So, I’ve been really silent on a bunch of stuff that’s been eating me alive which has made me both inactive and unproductive. I’m going to get straight to the point, starting off with the TL:DR from my post on my main blog. Context: An anon asked me if I was alright because I hadn’t updated in a while.

TL:DR You probably didn’t ask this to hear about all the bad shit of my life so here’s the short of it. No, I’m not doing fine. I will try get next weeks post out on time and I’ll work on making up on the lost posts. Updates will return regularly, ‘ite.

Time for the thick and thin of it.

Insecurity and being shafted: I’m stoic, even at my worst I won’t say anything. I’ll push through regardless of my current condition and since I’ve gone years like this, it’s not hard for me to do. In my real life situation, I’m currently in a place of social isolation. This has lead to a somewhat near reliance on Tumblr to be my social outlet. This present many issues.

The main one is that I’m quite the isolationist. This has only been reinforced by many interactions throughout the entirely of my life. Because of this, I can’t say I’ve ever had anything really more than two friends at a time. While in a way this has helped me express myself so well through writing, it’s come at the cost of social skill. I don’t talk to anyone.

With this kind of issue you could easily imagine that the THREE PEOPLE (four now, but very limited) to ever directly talk ended up in a way shafting me. The first blocked and disconnected with me without warning or reason. At this point we’ve been talking to each for about a month and we hit it off very well and then one day, silence. Never heard from them again. That fucked me up hard when I finally realized what happened.

The second person left during the Tumblr P**n Purge. We were talking about how to contact each other on other platforms and then they stopped responding. I had already given contact to other platforms of which they pinged me in any way. Another person that I trusted massively on here just abandoned me and I’m still hurting from that. Wasn’t fair at all.

Then the third person was someone that I been following for a while. This person is actually the reason that I’ve been putting this off for so long. I don’t want them to see this post but they will. I got an ask from them that ultimately turned out to be misinformation. I said I wasn’t mad but I was. I was so fucking angry about it and I’m still kinda mad, but I didn’t want problems. I still don’t. I just didn’t want them to worry about it. This will come back later.

I try my best to be as inoffensive as possible. The problem with that is that much of the things I believe or enjoy are highly divisive. Hell, even my own identity can be seen as offence. I’m bisexual, non-binary (I’m currently still questioning this. I might actually be gender fluid but in the overall scheme, that’s worse than being non-binary), and nonreligious. I’m in a very religious area so you I’m still “in the closet” about much of this IRL. I though it would better online but with how much people are saying bisexuality doesn’t exist, or that non-binary isn’t a valid gender (or that being gender fluid make you insane and you should be locked up) and all the hate people who say they are this are getting, the very community that’s supposed to accept me, HATES me. I had a bi pride flag icon last year during Pride Month. I never doing that ever again. It was terrible.

I’m trying my best to come out of my shell like I said I would when I made this blog but it seems I’m just crawling further into it. People I think I can trust keep setting me up to fall, people I know in real life won’t ever accept my existence if they knew who I really was, and my own mental health problem and self loathing are eating me alive. But that isn’t the total of it.

Crumbling Pillar: I’ve always ended up in the position where things were thrown onto me. In which no one wanted to do, I was stuck with. Because of this not only do I have a severe distaste being around my family (beyond everything mentioned before hand) but I grew to have a negative out look on everything. This effect is still quite obvious in my writings, especially my poems. Out of the 14 poems on my poem blog @washed-soul​, only one has a happy meaning.

The one happy poem was called dreams. Under a metaphor it talks about how a demon kept me trapped in a dark space. I start to get better and nearly break free before I have a negative relapse back to my old ways. The poems ends with the demon putting a end to itself leaving the nightmare in which it was keeping me in to slowly fade away, letting one crack of light peeking through to become a window to a door until one day I walk free. When writing this poem, I never thought I would find myself rebuilding the nightmare but that’s where I am.

I’m done with holding things together that other people have placed onto me. Because of this, issues have began showing in my private life. Issues that should’ve been solved decades ago are only now being addressed. This change in the status quo of my life has caused many issues in my productive and mood. Between everything else I’m too tired to do anything.

Is that a reason, is that an excuse. No it isn’t but it’s the best thing I got as a reason. I’m doing my damnedest to do the best I can but of course, when it comes to the thing that matter I just fall short. Big fucking whopha my intelligence and capability does me if I can’t use it for anything that means a damn.

Meaningless Triviality: I’m a very emotional person. I’m very strongly bound to my emotions and if everything above hasn’t given it away, my emotions are very negative prone. But it just doesn’t stop there, it goes back into my memories. I can only honestly place 3 happy memories for certain that aren’t either A) a dream or B) me escaping reality through my mind. Besides that, almost all my memories are negative. 

People like to throw around the word Nihilist to describe themselves because today's culture is very, god while I hate to use this word, edgy. For those who don’t know a Nihilist is someone who views the world as being completely  meaningless and reject all religious and moral principles. I very truly struggle with this outlook of life. It’s a daily for me to berate myself saying “just kill yourself” or “I want to die” or just shutting down and crumpling up while say “I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry” over and over again. Hell, I did that while writing this. 

I take things very hard, even the slightest transgression. I’m so used to trying to make things perfect and because people have the image that I’m the smart one, the mature one, the capable one, I’m left with the over hanging expectation of excellence. Almost no room for margin of error or being human. Since I’m the silent type, I put up no challenge and work to meet it. Only time I get any praise for anything too. 

I guess as a little self promotion to my main blog, for those that have read the very first few updates of my main blog @the-truth-behind-redacted, or read Defiance’s character sheet, while The Machine and Defiance are separate character, they both share the name Machine. That in part is a reflect of said above expectation. How ravenous and inhuman it can be all under the guise of something human. Those characters are the two sides to the same coin. 

Remember how I said I try to be un-problematical and how I try to avoid any potential conflict. In the first segment I told on how I lied about my feelings just so another person didn’t have to worry over something that honestly, in hindsight, wasn’t even really a big deal. But I also said how it consumed me in anger. I just don’t want to bother anyone over anything. It’s part of the reason why I am writing this post, as some way of a self enforced rehab program to get better. 

This absolute consumption of negative emotion has pushed me into a non human state before. I hit a point of absolute mental exhaustion and in such a self enforced bubble of actual hatred I became completely apathetic. I felt numb to everything. I watched and heard of terrible things happening to people, and felt nothing. I watched people lives crumble before them leaving them nowhere to go and LAUGHED. “Just another worthless pathetic worm on this rotting carcass of a planet being hit with the hard reality that life doesn’t care for them. What whimsical pathetic bullshit they deluded themselves with to think otherwise.” This isn’t an exaggeration on how I thought, this is what I actually thought. Which brings me too.

The Mandatory Sob Story: Roll your eyes everyone and get the tiny violin. I guess in order for everyone to exactly understand the place I’m coming from when it comes to mental health I’ll have to detail my experiences. I have a long standing history with mental illness. I have professionally diagnosed OCD, Bipolarism, Anxiety, Chronic Depression, and visual and auditory hallucinations. I take 600 mg of Seroquel a day as well as Amitriptyline when needed. I’m also still currently in therapy to deal with said OCD, Bipolarism, Anxiety, Chronic Depression, the visual and auditory hallucinations, as well as Suicidal thoughts, and my Nihilism. There’s a reason to why I’m so god damn familiar with mental illness and treatment plans.  

OCD and Bipolarism run in my family on my fathers side. My Father’s Father had them, my Sister has them, my brother most likely has them (however he refuses to see a doctor because he uses said possible mental illnesses as a get out of jail free card. He doesn’t want to be treated and he has FUCKING ADMITTED IT), my father has them, and I have them. I, however, have the misfortune of having it real bad. I said yes to well over half of all the total symptoms when I was being tested (I don’t remember exact numbers but I remember there being three pages worth of common symptoms) which was very worrying to the doctor. I was currently in an inpatient hospitalization program at the time for both suicidal thoughts and actions, and severe depression. 

On that, my graze in with suicide. Before I went into my first inpatient program I was contemplating suicide. I was sat in front of a mirror with a bottle of over the counter medication. It was an unopened bottle of ibuprofen, 1000 200mg tables. What I planed to do was down the whole bottle with benadryl and die in my sleep. I had the small box of benadryl got from the Kroger pharmacy and a hand full of ibuprofen poured out looking directly into the mirror. My suicide note was sitting on the desk on my room with an online copy on my laptop open.

I sat there for an hour in the dead of midnight complicating my life. I had lost all hope in the world, filled with hatred, anger, pain, and despair. I had no god or after life to look forward too, part way hoping that a Hell existed for me to burn in. I hated myself that much. I was close to taking the first handful before before I caught a glimpse of my own eyes in the mirror. In what was in a weird sudden epiphany I realized that I truly did become what I hated but not for any reason I told myself. I became the very bastion of negativity I sought to fight and rid of in what little friends I did have. That was what set off my path to recovery in spite of the medical system. I guess if people care I’ll make a separate post on that. 

Before I move on, I feel I should explain my history with the visual and auditory hallucinations. It should be no surprise that with everything else above, I also had extreme paranoia that led to me having very bad insomnia. Insomnia is, just like most other medical disorders like Depression, Self-harm, Anxiety, OCD,  Bipolarism, is romanticized to hell. Insomnia isn’t having one nights bad sleep where you got 5 hours of sleep instead of 8.

You know what Insomnia is? insomnia is being physical incapable of sleeping despite not sleeping in 2 to 3 day while your body suffers massive agony brought on by this. Muscle spasms and seizing, difficulty breathing, your eyes feeling like fire ants are eating them, and of course visual and auditory hallucinations. Now I already had issues with visual and auditory hallucinations even when I could get sleep regularly but the combined effects of my OCD and Bipolarism made this perfect condition of Insomnia, Anxiety, Paranoia, with the already added in disposition to hallucinations and I felt like I was actually losing my mind. 

My hallucinations presented themselves in three forms. Disassociation of reality, night terrors, or alterations of reality. Disassociation of reality often were complete black out moments. I would lose any perceived connect to reality and enter an episode of my mind. I can’t remember what they actually were but I do remember what it felt like. Cold sweats, anxiety to point where if I didn’t lock up I would vomit, actual physical pain, mind numbing fear, and intense fatigue. 

The second were night terrors often in the form of horrific “things.” I do remember these and most of them were as best as I could describe, forms of things that were vaguely human and formations of industrial machinery. The most vivid one I remember was of a long lengthy apparition that was for the most part human but many locations of it’s impossible physiology were rebar beams and mechanical sockets. It began when I was about to fall asleep and it was next to my window. The thing was making week groaning and gasping sounds before it violently slammed against my window breaking it then letting out a horrific howl that I can’t describe as it tossed itself out followed shorty after with the sound of bones breaking against the dirt. 

Now that might not seem so bad, exspecally with everything that is in horror movies or games now, but keep in mind that was fucking real to me. It was as real as the clicking of the keys of my keyboard as I’m writing this. As real as the chair I’m sitting in and as real as the wall in front of me. As far as my mind was concerned that thing, what ever it was, actually existed. It took me physical touching my window to make sure it wasn’t actually broken and checking outside to see if there wasn’t a body there. This isn’t the type of thing I talk about lightly. 

Finally there is the alteration of reality. This is very simply but it’s something that fucked with me hard. For very little meaning or warning, I would have trouble interpreting the world around me. My hearing and sight would be warped and there wasn’t any real way to tell what I was hearing or seeing was real or not until the episode was over. The way I got through these was the ultimate fake it till you make it. Obviously, very often I failed and this created issue in my schooling. 

Ending Message: I’ve been in a very bad state for a while now and as it is now, no signs of getting better. I also strongly believe my medications are being to fail me which I’ve been telling my doctor and therapist for over a year now but nothing’s been done. Mainly it’s my Depression but insomnia episodes are beginning and my own paranoia been on the rise. It’s gotten to the point where I can’t even look at a creepy image or thumbnail without having a very bad episode. 

I’ve managed to eat something today which was nice but my body is cramping hard. And to possible stave of a possible comment, I’m biologically male. Like I said I’m not in the best head space, or living for that matter. If this gets better, only time will tell. 

[tumblunni]

Okay the BIG TODAY THING

It seems i might possibly be gone for six months

I've been talking with my support worker about taking a course at this place thats uhh apparantly gonna help me get better with the depressions and stuff. And we had a meeting to go look around the place and make introductions and stuff but i had NO IDEA it would be all such short notice! I might have to move in IN TWO DAYS FROM NOW, what the fuck!!! And like if its not that its gonna be at the end of the week or next tuesday at the latest. Im so fuckin unprepared and im really freakin out!!

..uhh...how to describe it..well i guess its literally a mental asylum? But it's absolutely NOTHING like the horror movie stereotype! Its not a hospital with cages or locked rooms, its just like a big comfy cute shared house. Like a bunch of completely normal small apartment rooms but they just happen to be all connected to a shared kitchen and stuff and have on site nurses and a big schedule of therapy sessions and group activities like pottery class or bowling. You have the freedom to come and go as you please if you're on "voluntarily admitted" status (that's me!) and even if you're on what they call "sectioned" its still not scary loss of all your freedom. The highest level of sectioning is just like "requires an escort"? You're still allowed to go outside but you have a higher level of supervision from your key worker because you could potentially be a danger to yourself. But that's very rare and most people are only on maximum sectioning for a few weeks at the start of their treatment, if they've come straight from a situation of self harm or other concern factors. Most of the "sectioned" patients just have a time limit on how long they can spend on unsupervised outside activity. It's a pretty generous 8 hours apparantly!

So yeah i was getting worried about nothing, thinking i was gonna be in big scary solitary confinement and locked inside a tiny broom closet or jabbed with brain lazers. It honestly just seems like a summer camp resort for adults! And everyone there seems very nice, and im excited for being able to learn life skills like cooking and potential steps towards getting educational qualifications someday. And to have the help of a more specialist support worker who can assist me with even the smallest little problems. Like this nice lady Tazmin (who might be the one i get?) was saying how they've had other people with social anxiety before, and how we could plan "gradual exposure" to all the things that scare me. Like she said she'd be able to come with me and we'd take the bus and them get off at the next stop. That'd honestly be really helpful to help me get over being scared of the crowded spaces on buses, but i'd never be able to do it normally cos i'd be too embarassed taking such a short bus ride. Plus well itd be a waste of money,but if i'm a patient here i would get a free bus pass so it wouldnt be a problem.

Oh and the area seems really nice! Its so different from my stupid house right now in a crowded neighbourhood with NOTHING but houses everywhere for a mile! Its seriously almost a mile's walk to the ONE SINGULAR SHOP IN THE AREA and they close on sundays and dont sell vegetarian food. :( This area around the shared house thingie is a really nice bustling shops place but not super shops? Like i mean its a lovely village that has all the small shops you need, not a huge skyscrapers busy tourist place. The perfect balance of conveinient and not scary! They have a library and a park so close to the place, and a bazillion charity shops holy FUCK im so excited to have charity shops again!! I think you call them thrift shops in america? But i just always really love bargain hunting and finding nice surprises in places like that! And there's places to do pottery classes and group trips sometimes to do stuff like cinema or bowling or just having your big ol scary therapy meeting at the nice coffee shop at the end ot the road.

So yeah dont worry about me guys, im not trapped in some horribke hell place! I'm sure it'll be as non threatening as an Intensive Therapy Boot Camp can possibly be, im just still nervous as hell cos well yeah I Have Social Anxiety And That Is Why I Am Here In The First Place. Im scared im not gonna be able to succeed at this. I really wanna leave at the end and be all mentally buffed up and ready to make all these nice nurses proud!

Oh and man Richard has been so nice about this?? He was super freaked out and apologetic about it being Scary Short Notice, we had a bit of a dumb misunderstanding where he clearly told me and i clearly said yes but i somehow completely misunderstood what he was saying and thought i was saying yes to something else??? So im so fuckin glad that at the very end of the appointment right when i was gonna get out the car he was like 'oh so remember your suitcase on wednesday' and i was like WHAT. Like man can you imagine how much more terrifying it would have been if i just turned up on wednesday with no supplies but the shirt off my back and was like 'wtf where is he driving me OH GOD NO'. Bunni why you so bad at the good of talking!! Seriously richard thanks so much for clearing it up but also AAAAA i accidentally agreed to the shortest of short notice and i dont know if he's gonna be able to reschedule it!!!

And man i was there crying in his car about how i dont wanna be in hospital on my birthday, and babbling all the different things i had planned fot the next few months. And GOD DAMN MY DUMB BRAIN i ended up blurting out that i had a preorder of a videogame that i was gonna miss. And i straight up started explaining pokemon to my mental health counseller who is also a dj, how damn fake does my life sound?? Anyway he said that i'll still be able to keep him as my support worker when i get back out of this, and we'll still have weekly or monthly meetings while i'm in there. And he keeps reminding me that i'm free to leave if i feel uncomfortable, but i know that i'd feel like a failure if i did! So he legit fuckin goddamn said (THIS SOUNDS SO FAKE) that i could take a day off when the dumb game comes out, and he'd play co op pokemon with me. HOLY GEEZUS RICHARD YOU'RE LIKE THAT HOLY GRAIL OF THERAPISTS! And man he even said it wasnt embarassing for me to sleep with a teddy bear and he'd help me pack it up safe and ensure nobody saw it while we move my bags into my new room. And then i was like "uhh but also the teddy bear is a giant lifesize embarassing pokemon merchandise" and he was like "okay so we need DOUBLE STEALTH". Apparantly the new sequel to Pokemon Go is Pokemon Sneak! God he helped calm me down from this freakout so much, he's always great with lil jokes and motivational sayings. And i talked about how i first started being interested in Obscure Deep Sea Slug Facts because pokemon has some characters based on weird real life animals, and like its Very Educational Honest, And Has Appeal For Both Kids And Adults. How on earth did this turn into Motovational Pokemon Blabber Time??? Anyway thats how i ended up texting a professional psychologist pictures of gastrodon at 7.30pm.

SO

Yeah

In summary

I'm mostly just worried cos this is short notice! And cos its such a big commitment that being short notice is Super Bad. I need to friggin clean the whole house top to bottom in two days, so it doesnt get all gross and attract flies while im gone. And i need to toss out like a hundred bucks worth of frozen food that aint gonna keep for 6 months. And i need to wash all my damn clothes. And i dont even have a suitcase and this is at a terrible time where i dont get paid for a week so i cant buy a new one right now!! And damn i DONT EVEN KNOW WHAT TO TAKE AAAAAA

And the BIGGEST PROBLEM

Is that i wont be able to talk to you guys for half a year!!!

They dont have wifi and im not allowed to take my computer anyway. They only allow laptops and all i have is a desktop and AAAA its too short notice to save up enough to get a laptop mannnnn! Fuck man i didnt even think about that, i need to go pause my broadband internet for six months, do they even allow you to come back after that long?? And man part of me wants to ask to borrow money from friends to get a laptop but i know this time i cant promise to pay you back within the month cos AAAGH ALL OF THIS SHIT!! Like damn man if anyone is willing to let me pay back a hundred and fifty quid in 6 months??not bloody likely!! And man the only place to get a laptop in TWO GODDAMN DAYS is stupid fuckin Amazon :( but god im gonna go stir crazy being unable to do art or gamemaking or friggin anything to occupy myself!! I can bring my 3ds but i barely have any games for it and ive already finished all of them except harvest moon a new beginning which i quit cos it was bad. And the screen is broken anyway gahhh. SO MANY THINGS I NEED MONEY FOR IN SUCH A SHORT AMOUNT OF TIME THAT IS NON CONDUCTIVE TO MONEYING

So anyway GAHH i wont have an internet connection in the house, and i'll be able to walk down the hill and use the library computers hopefully at least weekly, but they forbid all social media sites. So like can i get the emails of everyone who wants to keep in contact? Man i dont know how im gonna manage this AAAAA!!! i will send u loads of pics of scenic asylum beauty and dumb updates on my stupid life of probably very little progress.

And AGGGHHH i dont even have the time to plan a blog queue or anything fuck man geez aaaaaaaa

I NEED TO BUY A NEW PAIR OF TROUSERS WITHOUT HOLES IN THE KNEES man i cant live on singular pantage in a shared house

[geminimoonbeamx]

Sweet Tooth: Chapter Seven

A/N: I just want to write this story for the rest of my life. I love Lance Tucker man. I really truly do.

Word Count: 3k

Warnings: Cursing. Fluff. A mild moment of triggering body insecurity. Lance Tuckery(hah).

Summary: Lance Tucker has come back to his hometown with his ego bruised and his look on life more tainted then ever. When he runs into Y/N; a vibrant plus size woman he went to high school with at her bakery ‘Cake Faced’, he leaves the shop with the taste of sugar on his lips and a hunger that has nothing to do with the cupcakes.

💘💘💘💘💘

Your pretty sure your dating Lance Tucker.

There’s a thought you never imagined would cross your mind. It feels alien just thinking it, but it was your reality. The last few weeks had been some kind of hazy day dream, full of intense touches and hot kisses and conversations that lasted for hours. You really couldn’t believe that it was even happening.

That’s what your telling Courtney as you two idly make your way through Target, your carts quickly filling up with various bullshit. When you’d only come to grab a pack of cupcake liners.

“So you guys are screwing?” Courtney inquires. She cant deny, she’s not thrilled about this whole thing. She still thinks Lance is a total ass hat, douche bag and that he wasn’t worthy of your time or your trust…but she did trust you. She knew you were more then capable of making your own decisions. All she could do was support you and hope that this thing between the two of you didn’t end in flames like she feared it would.

“No, that’s the crazy part. I haven’t had sex with him yet” You laugh at her wayward, unbelieving look that she shoots you.

“Bullshit” She drawls out the word.

“I’m dead serious. I mean don’t get me wrong, it’s gotten heavy-”

“Like how heavy? Bj’s heavy?”

“No, more like a lot of dry humping. Like, a lot-”

“What are you? Fifteen?” Court deadpans, her nose scrunched as she looks as pasta sauces.

“You’d be surprised how intense that can get and Lance is very…sensitive. It’s too easy to make that man cum in his pants” She lets out a shrill fit of giggles and you try to contain your own “And I let him finger me the other day but that’s about it”

Courtney’s a little confused. It seems like you might really like the guy, and yet you hadn’t slept with him yet. She’d never known you to be a prude, there had to be a reason. “So why aren’t you doing the do with him then?”

“I just- I don’t know. I feel like once I really cave and give him what he wants it wont be the same anymore, you know? Like right now he likes me because I tell him no, and I like him because he keeps coming after me after I tell him no. It’s kind of a game of cat and mouse and I don’t want the game to end” You admit your fears in the simplest way you can word them.

“Have you talked to him about it? Your both adults, I think that it should probably be a topic of conversation” Courtney advises, her voice comforting yet firm.

“And what am I going to say? ‘Hey, Lance, I know you like to ditch girls after you sleep with them and I’m not trying to be one of them’?”

“Yeah, exactly. Let him know the boundaries of the relationship” Courtney can see the confliction in your eyes.

“Ugh. You know they say dating is supposed to get easier as you get older but it’s still just as hard” you whine. Thirty, flirty and thriving your ass.

“Well you waited long enough. You haven’t dated anyone since Eric” It hurts less, to hear his name you realize. If anyone had mentioned your ex boyfriend a couple of years ago you definitely would have winced. Now it kind of just went over your head. You felt pretty silly about it.

“Well we all cant be serial daters like you, Court” She’d literally been in relationships since middle school. Long ones, that lasted years. She’d been with her current boyfriend for seven or so years now. It was quite obvious Courtney didn’t like to be alone, she just wasn’t programmed that way.

“I take great offence to that” She quips at you “But onto bigger and better conversations. How excited are you for the interview tomorrow? What are you wearing?”

You adore the thrilled squeal in her voice. But honestly, you were more nervous then anything. This interview was big for you and Cake Faced, could be a tipping point for your small business. And although you’d always been good at talking to people, you couldn’t help but be shitted just thinking about it.

The rest of your Target trip with your best is spend planning your outfit for the next day to the T.

—————————-

Your up before the sun the next day, even though you’d popped a few sleeping pills the night before. You cant help it, your internal clock is wound tight in anticipation. So you take your time getting ready, spending hours perfecting you hair and makeup and then making a large, over decadent breakfast that you no way could eat yourself. You tend to cook when your nervous. Or sad. Or angry. It was just what you did, tried to pour the anxiety out of you. You end up packing the eggs benedict into containers, you’d bring them to work and feed the staff.

You check yourself over in the mirror, applying one last coat of neon-red orange lipstick and checking out your reflection. You’d chosen a sleeveless top. Because the weather was warm. Fuck if your arms looked large and jiggly in them, you tell yourself. You look damn good, and your determined to make a damn good impression. Confidence. Originality. Hard work. Those we’re your words that you had lived by and if you were going to be printed in the pages of a magazine, you were going to make sure they shined through. You with one last tousle of your hair, your out of the door. Walking tall in your heels.

After priming and primping the shop to look just how you want it to, you wait for the journalist. She’d said she’d be arriving at about 11 or so, so you did have some time to kill.

You prep the cupcakes your featuring, show casing. The Cookie Monster, The Lemon drop and the Red Velvet Classic. You want the batch’s to be perfect, and you don’t trust anyone but yourself to make them, so donning an apron you get to work. Your deep in concentration, squinting through one eye with and biting your lip when you hear a knocking on the doorway.

You look up and you cant help but smile.

“Hey there” Lance’s leans against the door frame, his arms folded over his broad chest as he watches you. He had been for a few minutes, before he’d decided to make his presence known. You just looked so cute, focusing all hard like that.

“Hi” You grin, “What are you doing here?”

He pushes himself from the door frame, coming towards you in long legged strides so that he can press a kiss to your lips “I had to come wish you luck, didn’t I?” he mumbles against your mouth and you sigh, leaning up on your heels, wanting more.

“Why thank you sir”

He pulls away first, his thumb coming to swipe at the corner of your lips, assuring that your pretty lipstick stayed in place. He’d had his fair share of interviews, he knew how important it was to keep your appearances. “You look nice”

Your chest swells at the way he says it, his sapphire eyes appraising you as they swept over your body “You think?”

“Mmhmm I do” He says cheekily, as his palm planes up your side, skimming your waist, coming up to cup the side of your breast. You exhale shakily and lean against him, your arms twining around his neck as you soaked up the gentle attention he was giving you. You loved this side of him, the gentle needy touches. The affection. It turned you to jelly because truly, you’d never thought he was capable of it.

Lance loves the soft feeling of your body under his hands, he wants to dip under your top, feel the bare skin but he refrains(just barley), not wanting to wrinkle your outfit. It was funny, he thinks. That you were the one doing interviews, your face going to be posted in magazines and he was the one all but hiding from the media. When the story of the gym had dropped on CNN; it had been a shit storm, just like he knew it would be. It would have been hell for him, if it wasn’t for you. You stuck close to his side through it all…he kept thinking you might bolt. Might retreat, go back to hating him. Like everyone else seemed to.

The least he could do was not get you all flustered before you had to go out and be professional.

He had really been a big help with all of this, he’d told you how it was going to go. To be the charming little shit that you were. He used that coach tone that made your panties wet too, which was an added plus.

“I should go” Lance says, checking his watch. He knew the magazine would be there to set up soon and he didn’t want to be at the shop when they arrived “Good luck, baby cakes. You’re going to do fine, just feed them a few of those cupcakes and flash those pearly whites and you’ll be set” He assures but you don’t want him to let go of your waist.

“What are you doing later tonight?” You ask him, holding his bicep.

“Mmm, I was hoping you” Lance’s tongue comes out to swipe across his bottom lip in a way that makes your heart pound with what your about to say next.

“Charming” You tease, poking at his arm muscle “What about if you come over to my place? I could make you dinner? There might be a little wine involved?” A little more then wine, you don’t say it. But your eyes do.

“I’ll fucking be there” Lance says quickly and you chuckle “You need me to bring anything?”

“No. I’ll stop at the grocery store before I go home. Just bring your appetite and that cute ass of yours” You waggle your eyebrows and he grins.

“That I can do” He beams, giving you a wink, before he’s out of the door.

Your heart flutters uneasily and you shake your shoulders in excitement before going back to your cupcakes.

—————————————–

The interview goes well, fuck it goes more then well if you do say so yourself. The interviewer is a bright, bubbly intuitive woman and the two of you talk about a range of subjects: from how social media had helped to kick start your business, to what it was like to be under thirty and be your own boss. You crack jokes, you show case your sweets, you plaster on the charm. You take some awesome pictures; the photographer had set up amazing lighting in the shop. You wondered if you could set up that kind of lighting in your bathroom, it would really up your selfie game. When they leave the shop you feel accomplished and bold and electric.

A lot like you felt the day you’d put the down payment on your store, signed the lease and gotten the keys.

It was such a rush! It might be bad thing, the way power amped you up…

After doing a happy jig with Shane who was taking the managers shift for the day, you decide you might as well head to the market and get your shopping done. You wrack your brain for recipes as you head there on foot, deciding not to waste how the gorgeous afternoon weather. It was only a few blocks…or ten. Yeah, you kind of regret it when your pumps start to pinch your toes but whatever. Your still riding that adrenalin rush.

All the way through the isles of Walt’s grocery store, collecting ingredients and grinning like a mad woman.

“What’s got you so happy, little miss?” La'tecia queries as she checks you out. Your glowing, looking radian. She doesn’t think she’d seen you look like this in years. Most days you we’re so tired, your everyday life draining you of that bright light that now gleamed in your eyes. You looked a lot like you did when you’d come with your mama every weekend to buy candies by the pound.

You tell her about the magazine and the interview and when she tells you how proud your mother and grandmother would have been of you, you attempt to compartmentalize it, to suck down the emotion that burns your nose.

“Don’t go making me cry, I worked really hard on this makeup, okay!” You laugh it off.

“You planning on celebrating tonight?”

“Something like that” Your lips quirk as she rings up not one, but two bottles of white wine.

“With someone special?” The knowing look she gives you isn’t discreet. She’d heard the rumors, even though she tried her very best to steer clear of poisonous gossip. Lance Tucker had been the talk of the town since he’d come home, but since his face had been plastered all over the nightly news, he’d been the talk of the nation. The scandal of it all was insane, and to top it off, everyone was buzzing about how you two had been spending a lot of time together… The Olympic athlete and the fat girl. Who'da thunk?

“Eh” You tease, shrugging your shoulders but then you giggle “Yeah, he’s special I guess”

When your done paying, taking the bags in your hand she spits some real life truth at you.

“Not as special as you, Y/N. Don’t forget that”

Those words would stick with you for the rest of your life.

—————————————–

Your phone is sandwiched between your cheek and your shoulder as you stand at your stove, working between pans of simmering food. Music blares through the speakers and your hips sway to the music as you cook.

“You coming soon? I’ve almost got dinner ready?”

“Yeah, I have to do something first, but I should be there in a half an hour-ish?” Lance replies over the phone and you huff excitedly.

“Mmm, good. I might be a little bit excited to see you” You stir at the vegetables. You were definitely excited. The matching lace bra and panty set you’d changed into was a big indicator of the fact. You felt devilish knowing they sat, waiting for him, under your clothes.

“Yeah? You going to be nice to me tonight?” his words are dripping with anticipation.

“If you earn it” you quip. Knowing that you weren’t really going to make him wait. If anything- you’d be jumping his bones as soon as he walked through that door. You’d been torturing yourself as much as you’d been torturing him with this whole “hard to get” act and you were done with it. You wanted it. Wanted to be his. Wanted to let him have whatever he wanted.

You squeezed your thighs together just at the thought of it.

“Fuck- your going to kill me. Okay, baby, I’ve got to go, I’m driving. I’ll be there soon”

“I’ll be waiting”

“Naked?”

You shake your head, looking at your celling. Lord, help me.

This. Fucking. Man.

“No- but I made some really good food for you so there’ll be that”

“Thank fuck, I haven’t eaten all day…you going to let me eat that pretty pussy of yours too?”

You squeak at his forwardness. Even though it was nothing new. He was one crass motherfucker and had been whispering the dirtiest shit into your ear for weeks.

“We’ll see. Drive safe, Lance” when you hang up, you reach for your glass of wine and take a swig, hoping that it might help quell the bubbles of nervousness in your stomach. Shocker, it doesn’t. If anything it makes them worse.

So does the next glass.

As you wait for Lance, the minutes ticking by. You’d finished dinner, and had it low simmering so that it would still be warm when he got there…

If he ever got there.

Because thirty minutes roll by.

And then forty five.

And then an hour…

You send him texts. Asking him where he is? Is he close? Did he get lost?

You cant help it, the dread that sets in. The way your mind clouds with doubt and fear. He’d blown you off. He’d bullshitted you. Had this been a mistake?

The reasonable side fights your insecurities.

Bitch, he’s done nothing but try since he got back it hisses at you. You need to stop being a crazy, insecure child.

You drown both of them with wine. Your sitting at your kitchen table, feeling a little more then a little crestfallen as you talk to your dog.

“You know what, if he doesn’t show, I cant even be mad. I mean I will be fucking pissed, don’t get me wrong. But mostly at myself. Because do people ever really change?” You speak to the lapdog as though he’s a human being. He was the smartest person you’d ever met you decide. He looks at you with unamused beady eyes.

“And I’ve always been so stu-”

The sound of the doorbell stops you in your tracks. You hop up from the chair and have to force yourself not to run to the door. Be cool. Be calm.

Told you so, your reasonable side shoots at you as you open the door.

Lance is standing there, in your door way. His lip is bloody and his right eye looks like its just starting to swell up.

“Lance?” You gasp.

“Hi baby” He holds up the expensive looking bottle of scotch he’d brought to 'the party’ “Sorry I’m late”

——————————————–

@huntressxtimelady @i-had-a-life-once @peacefulwriter88 @spookyscaryscully @zombiewerewolfqueen @adyseesbeauty @geekyweed @pegasusdragontiger @booklover2929 @ultrafangirl000 @acunningstargazer @curvybihufflepuff @la-meneur-louve @tatathekissypotato @iamwarrenspeace @the-loud-and-crazy-rabbit-pirate @aknerdchick @avinaris @yslbucky @sophiealiice @sebstanwassup @4theluvofall @wildefire @debbielovesbucky @peaceloveancolor @effielumiere @ballerinafairyprincess @zofty15 @feelmyroarrrr @plumfondler @theplumclub79

Okay…don’t hate me. I had planned on making this chapter the one. The glorious smut filled one. But then I was like lemme’ hit them with some angst and I ended up with this. THE SMUT IS COMING. LET ME REPEATE. THE SMUT IS COMING NEXT CHAPTER. I’ll see you hookers then! Leave me some love, I love on you guys comments.

[hopingfordawn]

Ask thing - 1-150 :*

Now I definitely know that you hate me Alex. :( *sniffles*You keep doing this, just because you know that I’ll do it.Whhhyyyy....

1. Who was the last person you held hands with?Probably my sister about 2 months ago? I can’t remember.2. Are you outgoing or shy?Depends. I am not really shy, but crowds make me extremely anxious. I feel paranoid very often and that prevents me from leaving my apartment. But when I first meet people, they probably think that I am the most outgoing person there is. I don’t know why, I act really happy and outgoing when I meet new people, but that diminishes over the weeks of knowing them. And “the real me” comes out. 3. Who are you looking forward to seeing?My mom this New Years. I haven’t seen her in over half a year and I miss her like crazy. I worry about her.4. Are you easy to get along with?Depends who you ask. I would say yes. In a roommate sort of way, my sister probably hates me. Because she likes to bring people over every single day and I like my privacy and she makes so much noise. She get’s annoyed at me when I even suggest that she could possibly visit them instead sometimes. 5. If you were drunk would the person you like take care of you?There is no one that I currently like romantically. So I can’t answer for that. But my best friend would. (Both of them). One of them already had the misfortune of having to do so. On my first ever time of being drunk (and high at the same time). Also he is smaller than me (at a very tiny 1,60m). I clearly remember him carrying me piggy back style back home. I am very happy to announce, that I do NOT remember throwing up though, that’s a very convenient part of the night to forget.And I will forever be indebted to him, love him with all my heart. He is such a sweetheart. 6. What kind of people are you attracted to?Nice ones. 7. Do you think you’ll be in a relationship two months from now?No. I probably won’t be in a relationship 3 years from now, so 2 months? Naw. 8. Who from the opposite gender is on your mind?Rami Malek. (I need help) 9. Does talking about sex make you uncomfortable?Not really, but I start giggling like a middle schooler, sooo. 10. Who was the last person you had a deep conversation with?Alex/ Eljot from Tumblr :)Who also is that asswipe who wanted me to answer the whole 150 questions. Thank you. (I love you anyway) 11. What does the most recent text that you sent say?“What could >WE 12. What are your 5 favorite songs right now?Fallout Boy - Centuries Sia - I’m In HereMelanie Martinez - Mad HatterHalsey - Hold Me DownImagine Dragons - Believer 13. Do you like it when people play with your hair?Never happened but probably not. 14. Do you believe in luck and miracles?Luck, yes. Miracles? I don’t think so. 15. What good thing happened this summer?Summer is just started for me here, so no update on this. 16. Would you kiss the last person you kissed again?Hell to the no. 17. Do you think there is life on other planets?It is mathematically impossible for this NOT to be the case. So, yes, I believe in life on other planets. 18. Do you still talk to your first crush?No, he is dead. 19. Do you like bubble baths?Who doesn’t? Give me one person who is honest when they say, they don’t like bubble bath’s. 20. Do you like your neighbors?Nohohohoooo. I have this one neighbor that complained about the way that my sister and I were putting up the curtains. Or that we should stop using the bathroom at night because it kept her from sleeping, we were apparently too loud. 21. What are you bad habits?- When I feel bad or just not up for human interaction I shut myself off from society and ignore messages, calls etc. - I can’t seem to keep down anything I eat. I always end up puking my guts out. 9 years of therapy and I still can’t lose this shit.- When I say I am going to sleep, I actually mean I am going to lie down and read fanfics for the next 3 hours and then go to sleep.- I procrastinate like a professional.- I can’t seem to finish any project that I start. The Jack Frost Staff I made when I was 16 still needs to be painted. That one corset still needs to be redone in the right fabrics. All the fanfics I started and never continued...- more more more more 22. Where would you like to travel?Russia, Japan, China, Iceland, Australia, The Caribbeans, Egypt, Korea, EVERYWHERE 23. Do you have trust issues?Yes. OH Yes. The Problem is, I trust too easy at the beginning, and then I start to mistrust my own judgement and therefore also the person I put my trust in. Because it is impossible for someone to actually want to be faithful to me, right? 24. Favorite part of your daily routine?When I lie back down on my bed and start reading fanfics in a sort of “going to sleep ritual”. 25. What part of your body are you most uncomfortable with?Everything. Really, I often feel like I am stuck in the wrong body. This is my prison. 26. What do you do when you wake up?Roll over, stretch and hope that it is weekend so that I can just stay right there. 27. Do you wish your skin was lighter or darker?Lighter. I guess this is something that stuck with me from my hardcore gothic phase when I was a teenager. I wanted to have white, white skin for the black of my clothes to pop out more, you know? I have this asian undertone in my skin, slightly yellow, and I am slightly darker (latina). and it bugged me as a teenager so badly. I was such an idiot. 28. Who are you most comfortable around?My best friends. Who are sadly not here. One (the guy from the drunk story) is in Chile. And the other in Germany. 29. Have any of your ex’s told you they regret breaking up?I don’t really have ex’s. So I wouldn’t know. But when I was 15, there was this 1 guy that after 3 hours told me I was the love of his life and we kissed and it was horrible and I told him it wouldn’t work out. He made such a scene. I mean he ran away and threatened to jump off a bridge, for a girl that he knew less than a day...And I was so worried at first, but after 2 hours of running after him and searching and finding him on the bridge, I honestly was just mad and said outright that from this point on I didn’t care if he jumped. If he wanted to ruin his life for a girl he didn’t know at all, for an illusion, then be my guest, I am done running after him. Of course he didn’t. Years later I learned, that he still mourned me “leaving him” and wasn’t over me still. Ugh. 30. Do you ever want to get married?Couldn’t answer this yet. Probably? But I don’t want kids, so that might be a problem. 31. If your hair long enough for a pony tail?To my waist and I need to cut it. I want it really short. I can’t stand the long hair on myself. I only wear it in a bun anyway. 32. Which celebrities would you have a threesome with?I don’t see MYSELF in any sexual situation. In every sexual fantasy I have I am always someone else. Sad but true. 33. Spell your name with your chin.sxiusdsdiu 34. Do you play sports? What sports?No. I used to play Baseball and Volleyball. But at the moment nothing. 35. Would you rather live without TV or music?Without TV. That’s what you have the internet for anyway. 36. Have you ever liked someone and never told them?My best friend? But I might have kind of indirectly told her? I mean I asked her if she would date me if I was a guy (she is sooo straight). She said no. I cried on the bus on my way home. 37. What do you say during awkward silences?Nothing. I am comfortable with silence. 38. Describe your dream girl/guy?Is also my best friend. When it happens, it happens, I don’t have a heist plan for this. 39. What are your favorite stores to shop in?Media Markt. Gamestop. Amazon. 40. What do you want to do after high school?I am currently studying 3D Animation and after this I would like to do my Masters in the US, and AFTER that my biggest dream would be to work for one of the great Firms: Disney, Dreamworks, Pixar, you get it. 41. Do you believe everyone deserves a second chance?Normally yes, but there are ALWAYS exceptions to that rule. I don’t give a child molester a second chance. I just want to burn them alive. 42. If your being extremely quiet what does it mean?The person you tried to reach is currently unavailable, please try again later or leave a message after the beep. BEEP. 43. Do you smile at strangers?Sometimes. Sometimes they scare me shitless and I try to avoid eye contact as much as possible, and walk passed them as fast as possible. 44. Trip to outer space or bottom of the ocean?Outer space. Chance to see new worlds!

45. What makes you get out of bed in the morning?Sometimes I just cant get up. But when I do, I just think about what I want to accomplish, about what that day might bring for me. What I might miss if I don’t. 46. What are you paranoid about?When people look at me and I think they see a monster. Do I have something on my face? I don’t see anything irregular in the mirror, but they look at me strangely. Can they read my mind? Do they see right through me? Do they see how bad a person I am? Are they judging me? Can they hear me? 47. Have you ever been high?Yes. 48. Have you ever been drunk?Yes... 49. Have you done anything recently that you hope nobody finds out about?In the end it is always about, what I don’t want my family to find out. They think I am completely fine now, but actually I lost this whole week of classes because I was too scared to get out of the apartment. Paranoia and social anxiety made it impossible for me to make a step outside without getting the “fight or flight” sensation, and I am a “flight” person. When I had I had to pay the bills I had a staring contest with the creeper from the other end of the room, and when I was back home I realized hat I was the creeper and not him. Yeah. And my family believes that I have my eating disorder under control. Nope, it’s getting worse. Again. 50. What was the colour of the last hoodie you wore?Black. 51. Ever wished you were someone else?Every single second of my life. 52. One thing you wish you could change about yourself?My Gender for example. 53. Favourite makeup brand?Maybeline New York. 54. Favourite store?Didn’t we already have this question? Amazon.com 55. Favourite blog?You all are cuties, how can you put me in such a position? 56. Favourite colour?Purple, Blue, Blood Red, Green, Black (although it is not a colour) 57. Favourite food? I like almost anything... Lasagna maybe? 58. Last thing you ate?A sweet bread bun. 59. First thing you ate this morning?Haven’t eaten anything yet. Does the milk in my coffee count? Or the pills? 60. Ever won a competition? For what?Writing competition in High School. Wasn’t the first place but I won a prize? 61. Been suspended/expelled? For what?Passing notes in middle school. Send home for 2 days. I was scared shitless to tell my mom. 62. Been arrested? For what?No. 63. Ever been in love? 2 times. First time he ended up dying. Second time she ended up not returning my affections. 64. Tell us the story of your first kiss?I was on a weekend leave from the psychiatric ward at the time (for trying to commit suicide) and my first love had basically just died and I felt unlovable and worthless and yeah well. This guy at the birthday party of my cousin fell in “love with me” after 3 hours. He kissed me. It sucked. I told him it wouldn’t work out.  The whole story is above. 65. Are you hungry right now?No. 66. Do you like your tumblr friends more than your real friends?I don’t have real friends where I live, so in that way, yes. More than my best friends, no? But I love my tumblr friends differently, in some ways more, yes. Because I am able to express myself more openly and talk about things I wouldn’t be able to talk to with my best friends who I know would be uncomfortable with it and would start treating me differently. 67. Facebook or Twitter?None. 68. Twitter or Tumblr?Tumblr 69. Are you watching tv right now?No 70. Names of your bestfriends? Nicolas and Lisa. 71. Craving something? What?A hug. Cuddling while watching a TV show and talking at the TV screen together. 72. What colour are your towels?All have a different colour and variety. 72. How many pillows do you sleep with?2 73. Do you sleep with stuffed animals?Oh yes. 2 huge bears, one in each arm, and a small Bunny I had since I was born. 74. How many stuffed animals do you think you have?No idea. 75. Favourite animal?I love all animals equally. But at the moment I think Owls are especially neat, as are polar foxes. 76. What colour is your underwear?Not wearing any right now, still in my pajamas. 77. Chocolate or Vanilla?Chocolate. 78. Favourite ice cream flavour?Chocolate with chocolate chunks an caramel sauce. 79. What colour shirt are you wearing?Grey 80. What colour pants?Dark blue 81. Favourite tv show?Mr. Robot 82. Favourite movie?I couldn’t say, sorry. But I really like Spider-man Homecoming. 83. Mean Girls or Mean Girls 2?The first one of course. 84. Mean Girls or 21 Jump Street?I haven’t seen 21 Jump Street so I have to go with the former. 85. Favourite character from Mean Girls?The Ditzy Girl with the Weather Prophecy Boobs. 86. Favourite character from Finding Nemo?Dory 87. First person you talked to today?No one 88. Last person you talked to today?No one, but it is only Noon 89. Name a person you hate?I don’t hate, I mean pure hate, I dislike. I strongly dislike my father and how he is acting, I very strongly dislike the new girlfriend he has who I believe is manipulating him while he is still married and making the life of my mother hell. And if this strong dislike can be counted as hate, then yes, I hate my father and this woman. But I also will always love my father at the same time. 90. Name a person you love?My mother. 91. Is there anyone you want to punch in the face right now?My father. 92. In a fight with someone?Not that I am aware of. 93. How many sweatpants do you have?Only 1. I have to buy clothes but I don’t want to go shopping alone. 94. How many sweaters/hoodies do you have?3. I repeat myself. I do the laundry very often. 95. Last movie you watched?Spider-Man: Homecoming. It was a blast. 96. Favourite actress?Jennifer Lawrence. 97. Favourite actor?Rami Malek 98. Do you tan a lot?I tan very easily but try to avoid it as much as possible. 99. Have any pets?2 very ungrateful but lovely cats. 100. How are you feeling?I don’t know. 101. Do you type fast?I think so. But I am not sure. 102. Do you regret anything from your past?Too much. But I guess everyone regrets something. 103. Can you spell well?I think so? I sure hope so! 104. Do you miss anyone from your past?My first love. My grandmother who was also my second mother. I called her mom, she raised me since I was born. She was probably more my mother, than my actual mother and that pains me to say. 105. Ever been to a bonfire party?No 106. Ever broken someone’s heart?Whoo, story from above 107. Have you ever been on a horse?Sadly, no 108. What should you be doing?I should be drawing a Story board, working on my 3D Model of the Iron Man Suit and clean the apartment. 109. Is something irritating you right now?My allergy. 110. Have you ever liked someone so much it hurt?Yes. 111. Do you have trust issues?This question already existed. 112. Who was the last person you cried in front of?My Ethics Class Professor who is also a Psychologist. 113. What was your childhood nickname?I only had mean nicknames. Like Sissi-pissy 114. Have you ever been out of your province/state?Yes. I was born in Germany (Baden Württemberg), I have been to Spain, France, Switzerland, The Czech Republic, Austria, Chile, Peru. I have had the chance to travel a bit in my life. 115. Do you play the Wii?I have played about 3 times on a Wii console. 116. Are you listening to music right now?No. I am concentrating. 117. Do you like chicken noodle soup?Who doesn’t? 118. Do you like Chinese food?Again. Who doesn’t? 119. Favourite book?I love the Harry Potter Book Series. Still waiting for my letter to arrive. It just got lost, I know it. 120. Are you afraid of the dark?Not necessarily. I am afraid of what might be hiding in it. 121. Are you mean?I don’t think so. But I guess I can be mean sometimes, like everybody. But I try my best to be nice. Everyone deserve to be treated nicely. 122. Is cheating ever okay?No. NEVER. If someone were to cheat on me I would end the relationship. Because I wouldn’t trust them anymore, and a relationship doesn’t work without trust. And obviously I didn’t mean enough to them to be faithful to me. 123. Can you keep white shoes clean?No. 124. Do you believe in love at first sight?No. Attraction at first sight, yes. But love is more than just looks. 125. Do you believe in true love?I don’t know. It’s a nice thought. 126. Are you currently bored?Not at this moment, no. 127. What makes you happy?Hanging out with good friends and just being stupid together. 128. Would you change your name?Yes. If I could change my gender and body I would totally change my name. 129. What your zodiac sign?Gemini. 130. Do you like subway?I don’t dislike it, but I don’t go out of my way to eat there. I can get a sandwich everywhere? 131. Your bestfriend of the opposite sex likes you, what do you do?I don’t return the sentiment I will let them know that I am flattered and that they mean a lot to me, but that I sadly do not return this type of emotions. That them telling me this did not change the way I think of them, but I would understand if they need some space for a while. 132. Who’s the last person you had a deep conversation with?Alex, Eljot. From Tumblr. Didn’t we have this question already? 133. Favourite lyrics right now?Clipped wings, I was a broken thingHad a voice, had a voice but I could not singYou would wind me downI struggled on the groundSo lost, the line had been crossedHad a voice, had a voice but I could not talkYou held me downI struggle to fly now- Sia - Bird Set Free 134. Can you count to one million?I could, but do I want to? No 135. Dumbest lie you ever told?“It wasn’t me!” - While holding the evidence right in my tiny little hands (5 year old self) 136. Do you sleep with your doors open or closed?Closed. Open Doors make me really uncomfortable. 137. How tall are you?1,64 m 138. Curly or Straight hair?Curly 139. Brunette or Blonde?Brunette 140. Summer or Winter?Winter 141. Night or Day?Night 142. Favourite month?December 143. Are you a vegetarian?No. But I was once a vegetarian for a year. 144. Dark, milk or white chocolate?Dark 145. Tea or Coffee?Coffee 146. Was today a good day?The day just began! 147. Mars or Snickers?Snickers 148. What’s your favourite quote?“And if you gaze long into an abyss, the abyss will also gaze into you.” - Friedrich Nietzsche 149. Do you believe in ghosts?Yes 150. Get the closest book next to you, open it to page 42, what’s the first line on that page? (via catscuddlingandyou)    DerechoProcesal Penal 1“Quienes intervienen en la audience deben expresar a viva voz sus pensamientos.” - El Principio de Oralidad