#i need to get a new job but i feel so shitty and it’s like
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slowly, then all at once
for @steddielovemonth inspired by the quote "as he read, i fell in love the way you fall asleep: slowly, then all at once." from the fault in our stars by john green
rated t | 731 words | cw: nightmares | tags: pre-relationship, feelings realization, literal sleeping together, cuddling
📖📖📖📖📖📖📖📖📖📖📖📖📖📖📖
Steve’s nightmares aren’t a secret. The severity of them, along with the frequency, and how shitty he feels after, those are all secrets. Not even Robin quite knows how bad it gets sometimes.
The summer is worse: the memories of the Russians, the way the pool reflects off his window at night, the humidity clinging to his skin reminding him too much of the way dust and ash and mud clings in the Upside Down.
He feels stupid after spring break, that he should even still have traumatic memories when Eddie almost died. But he does. They’re worse now. He isn’t being tortured, Robin isn’t even in these ones. It’s always Eddie.
Eddie bleeding.
Eddie’s broken body.
Eddie not breathing.
Eddie dying.
It’s weird how quickly he took over Steve’s brain, how he went from being someone Steve barely knew from school to being one of his closest friends. Near-death experiences tended to do that, he supposes.
But it’s almost every night, and he rarely gets more than a couple hours of sleep before they hit, so he’s in a constant state of exhaustion these days. It’s not great for all the volunteering he does, and the usual taking the kids where they need to go, and trying to find a new job, and trying to convince Robin he’s fine. The bags under his eyes and the constant slump of his shoulders says everything.
She worries, but she knows he just has to get over the hump.
They all do.
Eddie stays with him late into the night a lot. It’s like he senses that being alone is the catalyst.
He finds excuses, tries to make it seem like he’s the one who doesn’t wanna be alone. Steve appreciates it, but he’s far past the point of feeling any shame for being afraid of being alone.
He doesn’t turn him away, though. Eddie sticks around for hours most nights, well past the point he should. Sometimes they watch movies, sometimes they just turn music on and sit quietly in the living room. Eddie is always moving a little, fingers tapping, leg jiggling, head bobbing. It’s good, though. It’s nice.
And sometimes he lays down in Steve’s bed with him until he falls asleep. He doesn’t touch him, or really do anything more than just exist in the space while Steve closes his eyes and drifts off. He’s always gone when Steve wakes up.
Tonight, he’s got a book open and Steve’s curled up under his blankets. His bones ache from how tired he is, and he wonders if his body will ever get to the point where exhaustion keeps the nightmares away. Steve’s eyes are closed, but he’s not asleep. Not yet.
Eddie’s voice is soft, accents coming through for some characters, colorful inflections describing the scenery. Steve smiles to himself as his eyes start to feel heavy.
It’s nice to be read to. He doesn’t know which book this is, but it sounds like a dream.
Maybe he’ll dream about this instead of bats circling a body he loves.
Oh.
His eyes open and he looks up at Eddie, who doesn’t stop reading, even when Steve knows he can feel his eyes on him. It’s a beautiful thing, to see Eddie so enraptured in a story that he’s probably read before, to see him still putting the effort into giving Steve a show even though Steve was mostly asleep.
He loves him.
Steve loves Eddie.
Not the way he loves Robin, or the kids. Maybe closer to how he loved Nancy, but even that didn’t feel quite like this.
This feels like a later sunset after a long winter, a fresh breath of air after being stuck in the Upside Down, a glass of cold water in the middle of summer.
It’s refreshing, and waves of calm take over his body.
He settles.
He reaches out, places his arm over Eddie’s stomach, curls his fingers into his shirt. He buries his face into Eddie’s side.
Eddie pauses for a moment, just long enough that Steve worries he shouldn’t have done this. But then one arm covers Steve’s body and he continues, voice softer but no less enthusiastic.
Steve closes his eyes and falls into a deep sleep.
When he wakes, it’s calm. There’s no crying or screaming, no thrashing, no fighting.
Eddie’s there, holding Steve against him.
He loves him.
#steddie#steve harrington#eddie munson#stranger things#steddielovemonth#steddie events#steve harrington x eddie munson#feelings realization#cuddling#literal sleeping together
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he’s not me
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˖ ࣪✦ su-bong (thanos) x f reader x dae-ho | nsfw dc, mdni
freshly single, you’re out on the town hunting a rebound from your shitty ex. but did you really think he’d let you get away that easy?
c/w: dark themes! drug addiction, very toxic relationship, violence & abuse, choking, possessiveness, manipulation, dub+noncon, cunnilingus, semi-public unprotected sex, degradation, so much angst a/n: sequel to this (or a standalone). this became so much longer than i intended.. there’s alot going on. i intentionally left the ending open. it’s your choice if they do/don’t eventually get back together
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it’s your first night post-freedom from su-bong, and you couldn’t be more eager to sink your teeth into someone new.
you walk the crowded streets under fluorescent lights in the tiniest dress you own. the type you’d keep hidden in the back of your closet: su-bong wouldn’t like it. he’d ask who you think you’re trying to impress. well nevermind him. fuck him.
you spare a wink to every man that you checks you out. you don’t avoid brushing against them, you don’t even flinch when you feel their hand lingering a second too long as you pass by. you’re in need of a distraction tonight, and any man will do.
you float through bars, and the men gravitate to you. you’re not really listening when they tell you about their business or their crypto or all the women they have on speed-dial as if you’re meant to cum on the spot. the lines you did before you left the house had made it impossible to zone out.
you were chucking back any shots that slid your way. you were in a rush to drown out the thoughts of your ex creeping in.
you couldn’t hold glasses too long, else you’d remember the shatters that littered across the floor when he threw them. you couldn’t stare at doors too long, else you’d remember hearing his fist denting the wood and blood marking the spots. you said you were done being with him, and he showed you exactly why.
you take deep breaths to ground yourself. attention from old drunks at the bar was a shitty pre-game; you needed someone who could pound the memories of your ex out of you.
back on the street, you were already wobbling with the weight of all the please-fuck-me drinks they bought you - but who’s counting anyway? you bee-lined to the first place booming with flashing lights and music.
you’re leaning at the bar, squinting through the pulsing LED lights to scan the crowds. your breath hitches as a hand lands on your ass.
you face him, hoping to god it’s not you-know-who, and thank fucking christ it’s not. god, you need him out of your head already. this guy’s not hot enough to do the job though.
you tune him out as he talks your ear off, and you continue to check out the selection. your gaze lands on a man sitting at a table with his back turned to you, hair falling down his neck: nam-gyu?
you really couldn’t tell through all this rainbow flashbanging of the lights.
you watch him turn his head to the side, chatting to the person sitting next to him. his face is full with a warm smile, and focusing through all the music you could just hear the gentleness of his laugh. yeah that’s definitely not nam-gyu. but colour you attracted.
you honed in on him.
the few people around the table took notice of you, and not-nam-gyu turns in his stool to face you. he’s gorgeous.
you hadn’t noticed that his hair was actually half-up in a ponytail. strands fell around his face, and he eyed you curiously with that kind smile. you wanted to sit on it.
“don’t i know you?”
he shakes his head gently, seeming almost disappointed in himself for not recognising you back. you bite your lip and feign trying to put a name to his face.
“oh!” you point to him, “you’re the guy who’s taking me to the dance floor.”
whistles and gibes erupted around the table. he glances to his friends, then shyly back at you. your palm opens for him, and with a friend’s nudge to his shoulder, his hand’s on top of yours.
your fingers weave between each other’s as you lead him to the floor. as you squeeze through the dancing crowd, he plants a careful hand on your back and keeps you close to him, pushing through people first to open the way for you.
he turns to you, and your arms wrap around his shoulders. “what a gentleman.”
he just chuckles, cautiously keeping that singular hand on your back. you can’t say you’re used to such restraint for a man.
“i’m sorry, i haven’t asked your name.”
you coo it to him, pulling him in to press your bodies together. he gasps under his breath.
“dae-ho.” he smiles gently, flustered.
you sway together to the music, quickly progressing to jumping and hands in the air. you’re both giggling through the flashing lights. your cheeks hurt from smiling and your throat’s sore from singing - but you’re moving in sync, moving like you were made for one another.
you already felt a flame flickering in your belly, even with such little words. you’d long forgotten your main objective: now you just wanted to keep basking in dae-ho’s warmth. you wanted to know more than just his name.
you brush the tip of your nose against his and catch his breath come out shallow. your hands slowly drag his own down your back, and he almost resists with uncertainty. but you gaze up at him through half-lidded eyes: irises pools of desire. dae-ho succumbs, and his hands rest on your ass.
you loll your head forward, lips grazing his jaw. his chest falls with a deep exhale.
“i’m sorry, gorgeous. we can’t do anything while you’re in this state.”
you furrow your brow with genuine confusion. he brushes a strand of hair behind your ear in reassurance.
“i promise i want to, but you’re drunker than i am. it’s not right.”
oh. see, your ex wouldn’t have given one singular fuck about that. (there was one particular instance when you were sobbing after a bad trip, and he had the audacity to get hard.)
you cupped dae-hoe’s blushing cheek in your hand. “then can we see in the morning?”
your voice delivered needy. he notices, and sighs. you were a breathing moral dilemma for dae-ho. his first instinct wasn’t just taking what he wants. not like he would have.
“i shouldn’t let you go home alone like this, anyway.”
you smile together. you chuckle together. you want to kiss him. so you do.
but he pulls you away with a gentle hand on your cheek. you pout.
“i’ll make it up to you once you’re thinking clearly.”
a rough hand locks around your arm and snatches you from dae-ho. you knock into his chest and breathe in the smoke clinging to his shirt. you knew exactly who it was before you heard his annoying drawl.
“babygirllll, i’ve been looking for you.” su-bong squishes your cheeks with his hand under your chin, and you writhe in his grip. “you’ve had me so worried.”
dae-ho tensed upon seeing your resistance. “hey!-”
you watch su-bong stare daggers back at dae-ho. “and who the fuck are you?” he juts his jaw, taking a step closer. “huh??”
heads begin turning at his voice raising, with whispers among the crowd recognising him as a rapper. “fuck you think you’re doin’ all up on my girl, bro?”
“su-bong.” you hiss. he cocks his head ever-so-slightly in your direction, like he couldn’t care less about what you have to say. but you knew what he wanted.
“let’s just go.”
his hand lands on your waist, fingers digging in like he’s trying to break the skin. you don’t hide the fact that you wince. he mutters, “there’s my good girl.”
then he’s dragging you through the crowd, and you can’t bear to spare dae-ho a second glance.
su-bong kicks open a backdoor and shoves you out into a dark alleyway filled with dumpsters. he doesn’t spare you any time to observe your surroundings, because he leeches onto your face and invades your mouth with his tongue.
his knee pushes through your legs to dig up into your core. his long arms kept you in place, hold too tight to writhe free from.
su-bong’s touch seared your skin like acid - but it was a familiar sting. comforting even. you almost missed it.
your body submits to him. you kiss him back, you whine into his mouth. just like he wants. you won’t admit it to yourself, but you’re not even fully acting.
once you feel his grip loosen, you knee him in the crotch, shoving him away as he keels over.
su-bong’s groans of pain blends into a low chuckle. “fuck, you tease.”
“take a fucking hint, su-bong! we’re over!”
“mm,” he hums, like he’s not taking you seriously. he steps to you again. you step back. “you know much i need you. i can’t live without my pretty lady.”
“you’re a fucking cockblocker.”
su-bong bites his lip, eyes scanning over your outfit choice. that little dress that revealed a little too much.
“shit, baby,” his palms carelessly roamed all over your curves, ignoring you trying to push them away. “looks like you were just begging for my attention, huh?”
you scoff. “any man’s but yours.”
you catch the twitch of his eyebrow and clench of his jaw. you recognised well the signs of when he was getting ticked off. but you also caught the moment he cleared his head with a sigh. can’t fuck up his big chance now.
su-bong just shakes his head with a smirk.
“tell me, baby. who’d take you in-,” he pinches your chin. “-after they see you’re just a junkie with a pretty face?”
he makes sure to flick his gaze at you, catch the fleeting shame in your eyes. of course he does. he’s revelling in this shit. like he can save you from yourself if you just run into his arms now.
“it’s none of your business who i fuck. we’re not together anymore.”
“right,” he hunches over with a laugh. “and i guess we’ve both quit drugs too, right?”
you didn’t want to keep getting him off by provoking you, but you just couldn’t swallow down the words stinging your throat.
“like you didn’t get me hooked on that shit!” you spat. “fuck you!-”
you blink, and pain radiates all over your back. you blink again, and su-bong’s pressing into you. it takes a third blink to realise he’d shoved you against the alley wall.
it’s not the bruising grip of his hands on your body or his nails digging into your skin that scares you, it’s his piercing gaze. like his eyes are ripping you open.
“don’t.. even tempt me.”
his voice is hoarse, laced with want. need. he’s itching for a fix.
he brings a delicate hand up to caress your face. “i can be good, baby. i promise. i can do better for you this time.”
he’s planting soft kisses on your neck, goosebumps spreading across your skin as he whispers about how much he loves you, everything he’d do for you.
you shut your eyes as tears gloss over them. there used to be a point in time where you would’ve believed him. and maybe he would’ve meant it too.
but now, the love that binded you was replaced by an addiction: not only drugs, but each other.
the highs were full of screams and bruises and hate-sex. and the withdrawals were even worse. you were dying after every dose. you were killing the other, and yourself.
“we bring out the worst in each other, su-bong.”
“then there’s nobody else for us.”
no two people should ever hold the power to hurt each other like you do. you decide then- not even think, just state:
“i’m going clean tomorrow.”
su-bong scoffs. he doesn’t believe you mean it, and you’re not even sure you do.
“so you’re never seeing me again.”
after a beat, his expression turns solemn. he realises you’re not just provoked, you’re not just trying to hurt him- you’re serious.
his eyes trail off, lost in thought. your body braces itself on instinct. you don’t know what he’ll do to you next. but he just meets your gaze, black pupils swallowing his irises in desire.
“then why are you still here?”
and your lips were on his. your teeth clashed together and his nicked at your lip from the haste, but you kept kissing feverishly through the pain. your tongues twisted with each other’s: su-bong was desperate to reach every corner, taste every last bit of you for the last time. one last hit until you quit him cold turkey.
his hands greedily groped at your tits, your hips, your ass - while your own slid underneath his baggy shirt to claw at his back.
he bit at your neck, you scratched at his flesh. you rolled your hips into his, and he thrusted his hard-on back. he crashed his lips onto yours and kissed you like he was starving to eat you alive.
su-bong keeled over with a moan from the back of his throat as you grasped the outline of his dick through his pants, hot and damp with pre-cum.
in turn he pulled the hem of your dress up. you felt the twitch of his cock in your palm when he saw your pussy dripping- no panties.
“you fucking little-”
you forced su-bong down by his shoulders and he fell to his knees.
“shut the fuck up.”
you push him to your cunt and cry out when he latches on with a hot, open mouth.
he’s lapping at you like a dog. you slouch against the wall as your legs go numb, and su-bong crushes a hand around your hamstring to keep you in place for him. his other splits your cunt open with two digits inside, curling recklessly while he sucks your clit.
incoherent curses at him blended together with your whines. any ‘fuck you’ was lost in a moan when he’d pull his fingers in and out to hit your sweet spot.
he knew you were close with the way your voice went hoarse and your thighs clamped around his head - and that’s when the bitch pulled away.
he propped you up against the wall and tugged his waistband down, his cock springing free with a string of pre-cum.
“shit, baby.” he bit his lip and lined himself up with you. he groaned as his tip prodded your cunt. “you sure we’re over?”
“yes we fucking are.”
you moaned in sync when he thrusted in. for a beat, he stayed there, filling you to the hilt. his heaving body had you pushed up against the wall. he was savouring it. he groaned lowly into your ear.
“hurry up.”
your head knocked back into the wall as he snatched your neck into his hand and started slamming his hips into yours.
the throbbing in your crown was drowned out by su-bong abusing your cunt with his impatient pace, ramming into your cervix and eliciting a cry from you with every thrust.
su-bong was fucking you like you’ll drop dead when the clock strikes midnight. and in a way- the version of you that’d let a man fuck you like he hates your guts will.
su-bong stuck his forehead onto yours, beading with sweat. you saw yourself in his eyes: brows knotted, eyes laced with disgust. and his own were fawning over you, lips panting with a smile.
“you make me fucking sick.” you stammer out, feeling the knot undo with every ram of his dick to your sweet spot.
he presses a wet kiss to your lips that you don’t return. “i’m in love with you, baby.”
you unravelled then. su-bong maintained his bruising pace while your walls fluttered around his cock. he bit down onto your shoulder to smother his moans as his hips stuttered inside of you, and he came following yours.
your bodies slouched together. your hair stuck to your skin with sweat, and you thought you saw the dye dripping from su-bong’s ends.
you wish you hadn’t cum when you did. you wish you didn’t give him the satisfaction of that being the magic words. you wish you could tell yourself it wasn’t because of him.
without a second glance, you pulled his dick out of you with a grunt from him. smoothing your dress back down, you bump shoulders with su-bong as you move to leave. his arm shoots out around your waist to halt you.
and you just shove it off of you.
you keep your head forward, and as the door swings open to greet you with the booming club music, the only thought in your mind is to find dae-ho.
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empty bottles of wine collected on the floor next to your side of the bed. futile attempts to ignore the scab your brain kept picking at.
it’s been months, and you can’t go a day without scratching at it to see if it still hurts. if you just left it alone, then maybe you’d actually heal.
you thought you saw him. you don’t even really know if you did, or if you just wanted to. a flash of purple hair amongst the club’s crowd had your throat burning with bile.
dae-ho’s arm snug around your waist felt you stiffen up, and he faced you: tears already clumping in your lashes. him taking you back home went without question.
now you were dozing off as dae-ho stroked your hair, half-lidded eyes full of adoration. he drew over the lines of your face with his fingers, his touch so gentle like you’d crack if he wasn’t careful.
if he was more like your ex, he’d try to see how rough you could take before you shattered. and then he’d pick up every piece to put you back together.
you were warm in bed with your boyfriend cooing you to sleep about how much he loves you, but tonight all you could think of is how he could never compare to su-bong.
dae-ho gets up to slide under the cover of his side. you gravitate to his heat, burying your face in his neck. he jumps when you plant a hand on the front of his boxers.
“hey- let’s save that for the morning, okay? after i’ve made you a coffee.” he chuckles.
he kisses your forehead. but for some reason, your skin seared with.. disappointment.
su-bong would have taken full advantage of you in your boozy state. you would’ve been irresistible to him, so well-behaved. so perfect for him.
..does dae-ho not want you?
you don’t even know why, but suddenly you’re sobbing quietly and staining his shirt with tears. and dae-ho’s comforting you, apologising if he said anything wrong, and none of it feels right. it’s just not what su-bong would do. he’s just not him.
su-bong hovers over the faces of girls in the bar crowd till he finds vaguely what he’s looking for. she’s pretty, probably. she looks enough like you from afar.
a little bit of chit-chat, and he’s thrusting up into her against the wall of the grimy restroom. he doesn’t look at her face, he wasn’t listening when she introduced herself. his eyes were screwed shut to keep his mind in the place he wanted. the place he needed to cum. and it slips from his mouth in a moan as he does.
a few seconds of shocked silence pass before the girl’s shoving him and mumbling cusses. “why didn’t you just fuck her then?!” rings out as the door slams behind her.
for months on end he’d been numbing himself with shit he wouldn’t let you touch - and still none of the harder drugs were giving him withdrawals like you leaving. needing you was hardwired into his brain chemistry. and well, you had been far more addicted than he was.
you’ll get bored of that guy. and the ones that follow him, too. but nothing will come close to the high that su-bong gave you.
and you always know where to find home.
#choi su bong x reader#su bong x reader#dae ho x reader#thanos x reader#kang dae ho x reader#player 388 x reader
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Can you pleaseee do something with Sae-byeok or Se-mi x barista reader?
Se-mi x reader - hot chocolate with marshmallows
꒰ა ˚₊ ✧・┈・╴﹕꒰ ᐢ。- ༝ -。ᐢ ꒱﹕╴・┈・𐑺 ‧₊˚໒꒱
pairing ; Se-mi x barista reader
summary ; on a saturday morning, while you were working as a barista, a stunning woman comes in and you accidently mess up her order
warnings ; shitty writing and she might be a little ooc idk, might delete it later if i get too embarrassed
words:
a/n ; this is my first request so i hope yall like it, I might write the one for Sae-byeok too or/and maybe make a second part on this if its wanted
Men dni
꒰ა ˚₊ ✧・┈・╴﹕꒰ ᐢ。- ༝ -。ᐢ ꒱﹕╴・┈・𐑺 ‧₊˚໒꒱
It was a particularly busy Saturday morning and you were at your new job in a café as a barista. It was your third day at work and you still had to bring a routine in doing your. Even though it was stressful and gave you even less free time, you know that you can't mess up, because you need the money to pay at least a part of your college fees, since your family isn't rich enough to pay everything alone.
So now you are here, serving customers during rush hour with a headache from all the noise and a smile on your face so you seem friendly enough.
When you had a moment of peace you started zooning out, looking out of the window to see the mist surrounding everything. No wonder people were rushing in, just looking outside made you feel cold.
A smooth voice interrupted your thoughts. "Hi, I´d like to order something" You quickly looked to see who was talking to you and you saw her. A short haired woman with piercings on nose and lips, which add to her beauty. She has a faint smirk on her face, studying you with her dark eyes and you can´t help, but feel small under her gaze. You quickly stopped staring at this intimidating woman and put on your customer smile. "Oh hi! Of course, what can I get for you?" "A caramel macchiato, please." You nod and point at a table. "Sit down on the table, while I make your order please"
You watch as the woman nods and goes over to the table, sits down and starts looking at her phone. Then you go to make her order and while doing so, your female coworker bumps into you and you land on the ground. "Omg, I'm so sorry!" The girl kneels down, quickly helping you up. "Can you do me a favor and make some orders for me? The guests there next to the door want one hot chocolate, one latte macchiato and two black coffees. Thank you!" You stare perplex as she rushes away through the backdoor to the 'employees only' area and sigh, feeling frustrated at her leaving you with even more work. You look over to the pretty customer from before, who seems occupied with her phone and you lean on the counter trying to remember what she ordered. Fuck, what did she order again? You think to yourself. You go through all the orders you remembered in your thoughts, before settling on hot chocolate. I'm pretty sure, it was hot chocolate... She probably wants to warm up from the cold. Maybe I should ask her again? You quickly shake your head at that. No way, I'm new at this job and this would just show, how unorganised I still am and she looks like she could bite my head off... I'll just make her hot chocolate and if its the wrong order, I'll make her the right order and pay for it and pray that my boss isn't watching.
You start making the hot chocolate and and after a bit you place some marshmallows in it and go to the counter with the cup in your hand, calling the intimidating girl over. You watch as the girl approaches with a nervous feeling in your stomach from not knowing if you messed her order up, but you try to keep your friendly smile. You hand over the hot chocolate. "Here is your order!" You watch as she takes it into her hands, decorated with silver rings and you notice her confused look. "Is everything okay?" "Uh yea, but that's not what I ordered... I ordered a caramel macchiato" You start to feel your cheeks redden from embarrassment. "I'm so sorry, I'll go and make you a new drink" You reach out to get the drink, but instead of giving you it, she takes a sip. "No need to, I'll keep the hot chocolate" You try to insist on making her a new drink, but she just chuckles. "But Miss-, you don't have to drink that..." "No need to call me Miss... My name is Se-mi and instead of apologizing, just make it up to me by texting me later" She quickly scribbles her phone number on a napkin and hands it over to you with the money for the hot chocolate and then walks away, while you stare at her with a flushed and surprised expression. "Bye sweetheart and don't forget to text me!"
I'm so sorry, that this is so bad written and short, but I'm kinda stressed, because of school right now and I kinda rushed this. I might delete this later and maybe rewrite it, if I get inspiration.
#wlw#lesbian#player 380#se mi squid game#squid game#squid game x reader#writers on tumblr#wuh luh wuh#dont read it#shitty writing#squid game 2
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yeah it’s just a bad pain day haha (<- guy who has felt the same pain level for over a month)
#i am so tired of thiss#i need to get a new job but i feel so shitty and it’s like#i’m waiting to get better even though i know it’s probably only gonna get worse#and my whole family still thinks i’m just being dramatic and attention seeking#but it hurts so much i can barely do anything#it takes me like multiple days to recover from going on long walks#i feel so weak rn like i should have a job or at least be doing something but i just sit in bed all day#and i still feel sick and it’s like why am i even complaining everyone else around me is working and going out and they’re not complaining#i just want to get betterr#ramblings
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it was so stupidly difficult to find any nutritionist who has experience with arfid & takes insurance so after having to go through all these referrals my therapist sent me & jumping through hoops I lowkey hate the lady lmao feels like such a waste of time & energy
#its only our third time meeting but its so beyond fucking frustrating to feel like we spent the whole hour going in circles & lowkey arguing#& like she never actually listened to any of the things ive told her. like the ENTIRW REASON i told her i was seeking extra help after#dealing w arfid type noncense all my life was 'achieving goal x is always kind of tough but im trying to do it while also achieving goal y &#im struggling with finding a way to balance the two things' like thats IT & then as shes suggesting things to try im like idk of those are#worth the effort bcus they conflict w goal y & shes like. have you considered not worrying about that so you can focus on x?#like NO bcus thats what i was previoislt doing & it doesnt fucking work for me! & she was just not understanding what i meant by adding#variety or having 'better options' shes all like. ok but even if this new thing conflicts with goal y it can just be another option for you#like thats not the POINT i already have enough options i can switch between that conflict with that like the whole point is i need to fill#the gaps w things that are nutritionally different. like if im ok with something thatll use up a significant portion of ny daily values of#shit then i already have multiple options that i actively like well enough i dont wanna waste my time adding more that are things i think#are just ok but take more work. literally whats the point of that#& im like i think rather than me just thinking of random shit i think i could try itd be helpful if I could like get some guidance on like#what are some things that fall into somewhere into this category or this adjacent category while also not being this other thing & then i#cab like determine from there what i already like & can try & add more of & things from that list that sound like sth i can try#& shes like well idk theres a lot of foods out there. YEAH ABD ISNT IT YOUR FUCKING JOB TO KNOW ABOUT FOOD? like i gave fairly specific#parameters this isnt like a 'list every food on earth' type of question what am i even paying you for if you cant come up with a list#like that. & she jept getting hung up on like well lots of things that are the most calorically dense are gonna be like that like ok it#doesnt have to be the MOST dense maybe think about it like 'the densest things in this other category' which sounded straightforward to me#but she was just like continuing to argue & also like getting hung up on reminding me that everything is dependent on portions like#I FUCKING KNOW?? like if a serving of something is like 10% of my dv id rather find something where a serving is 5% etc. idk how thats like#a hard concept like whats the point of adding something to be like oh sure ill have a third of a serving & get 50 extra calories out of it#be so fr rn im so beyond frustrated still even tho its been hours since i talked to her this is more stressful & annoying than the stress of#just trying to figure shit out on my own i fucking hate having to try & re explain nyaelf ivee & over & have someone just talk over me &#fail to understand what im getting at. im one more shitty session away from quitting & just resigining myself to 70% liquid diet#anyways#texticles
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ive been rereading tnp and it’s bothering me so much i need to mention it here; it’s kind of insane how much the erins bend over backwards to make brambleclaw deputy, it’s kind of just nonsensical.
not even him not having an apprentice when he’s picked, though that is kind of wild, he just… there’s basically no good reason other than him being a main pov character and tigerstar’s son. literally any other thunderclan warrior who’s had an apprentice (barring maybe ashfur) would have been a better choice. thornclaw dustpelt sandstorm cloudtail brackenfur- brackenfur is one that firestar explicitly considers and the reasoning why he decides not to is so incredibly weak ‘oh i dont think he’d be right for leader’ number one what are you talking about number 2 then use him being deputy as an opportunity to help him become right for leader are you telling me firestar thinks the cat he once considered letting die in a fire is a better fit for leader than the cat he half mentored. dustpelt is clearly an experienced warrior, sandstorm is someone firestar obviously has faith in, thornclaw is experienced and i’m pretty sure you even see firestar consult him a few times (cloudtail is iffy bc thats cloudtail but he’d really be a better choice, just how he treats daisy and her kits would be an interesting justification for firestar making him second-in-command) but honestly besides the narrative jumping through hoops to act like the other very viable options are either secretly bad choices or otherwise ignore them (why is bramble the only cat we ever see jump to help firestar with stuff they just wrote everyone else to be silent or w/e) but in twilight where he arguably acts the most like de-facto deputy in leaf and squirrel’s pov he’s framed as a jackass half the book??? why would you do that if you intend to make him actual leader?? in his trial run of being kinda-not-deputy you just make him use his semi-authority to be cold and fucking mean to his friend and her buddy??? like i see him being qualified due to having experience being the travel group’s leader and whatnot, but barely anything else is done to make him realistically more qualified than anyone else- he just angsts about his ambitions and gets handed the position because starclan vouched for him for some damn reason even though by his society’s laws he should not be in that position
#sorry its just really bothering me bc i am NOT seeing why he should be deputy#warrior cats#salty talks#the new prophecy#i dont hate tnp i just hate the bramble wants to be deputy plot he does not deserve that shit#not even on the level of him being a shitty guy or anything he literally should not have been picked#its probably the most egregious example of the authors just forcing a plot point instead of like. building it up realistically#literally in twilight he just comes off like he’s going to be a cold distant asshole as deputy it’s not a good look#opposed to firestar being deputy gaining his position while qualified and also through the understandable logic of bluestar’s mental state#fire just picks bramble be leafs like hey starclan says so and fires like oh ok even tho he’s literally not qualified#and also barely seems like he’d be a good choice anyways despite having been a main pov character#yes im complaining abt bad writing in the Bad Writing Cat Books leave me alone this is bothering me#adding while i read sunset; i will concede that this one does a better job building him up as possible deputy with the trust he’s given#its still just. why him (besides him being the mc) why is no one else given this trust or somewhat filling this role the same way#i feel like it would be more interesting if someone else got chosen over bramble and he had to be at peace with that#instead of oh he gets what he wants yayyy. idk switch the fox trap scene to hawkfrost trapping the new deputy#i feel like bramble not being deputy would be interesting like helps him realize that he doesnt need to be in a position of power#for his clanmates to trust him and rely on him if hes still worried abt the tigerstar’s kin thing and maybe confront tigerstar abt it
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it's probably the sunnier weather that's doing stuff to my brain to make me more optimistic but it's so interesting having a brain that craves a lot of self-fulfillment to the point where I can move past some hang-ups around perfection by going "oh I really wanna do that though" and then I do it well because researching how to do it right is also a rewarding part of the process
#it comes with the double edged sword of dropping projects as soon as they become a bit more involved/difficult#or when they don't feel fulfilling#but maybe it's better to take a break and come back to something with new knowledge ?#maybe it's good that my brain has a built in 'if it sucks hit da bricks' function ?#i just wish that i had more stamina for these things when they start lacking intrinsic rewards#it just feels like compared to my other family members i lose steam very very quickly and since we all have the same disorder i should be-#- 'just as capable'... but honest to god my under-activity feels SO severe#it honestly feels like compared to others my threshold for mental exhaustion is half the normal benchmark it should be#you know how there were studies done that found that 4 hours is the maximum amount of time people can work before a decline in efficiency?#i swear to god when the activity is something i have no internal reward for it takes 1-2 hours for that decline to start. and my brain -#- crashes HARD. my eyes start to glaze over. i start forgetting how to speak. my brain starts acting like it's 2-3 am and that i need to -#- sleep. i don't push myself not because i coddle myself but because i perform WAY worse. my work becomes unintelligible#or if it's some other kind of task (such as cleaning) my brain desperately tries to take shortcuts in order to get it done#i am trying to avoid a situation where i have to fix up the shitty job i did after the fact!#it's just kind of crazy to me how this is viewed as laziness LOL 'you did a bad job!' because i was pushed past my limit!#not to mention... i get burned out for DAYS if i push myself too hard. i am trying to conserve my efficiency#if you want me to do a better job... i need more time. and trust me: i'll do an excellent job if you let me rest#i am a very smart and capable person who cares about doing a good job - and i have a fine eye for smaller details as well#the trade-off here is i'll need some time to find joy and fulfillment somewhere else for a little bit while i rest. let me excel ok?#idk where this high self esteem came from other than like. realizing i wrote an entire research proposal in such short time#while receiving positive feedback with very few notes for improvement. i just sat down an added another section today based on -#-feedback and realized like 'wait. i know what i'm doing and i probably care about this far more than the average classmate'#i've been having a lot of thoughts lately and i sort of want to get to the bottom of how i have a difficult time coping w/ burnout#and i also want to figure out how to offset the costs of the stuff i need to do... it's a process
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Hug
Hug
#I feel like every time I pull myself back together in like a week or two I just fall apart again#and I don’t really want to do anything drastic but at the same time my little fix-it’s just feel like bandaids#like step one is going back to therapy for sure it is not uprooting my life and moving#but at the same time like until I can get that I’m a bit worried#like now I’m wondering if I really should work on finding a new job#like idk I don’t want to do anything big and drastic I just want to ride it out#but that hasn’t been working#like clearly the shit I’ve been doing isn’t working so maybe I do need to start taking more drastic measures like finding a new job#you know it was gonna be like okay let’s start with therapy#but that was like a week ago I only started looking for therapists like yesterday#on the one hand I’m like okay we need to start small and start with maybe therapy and see how that does before we make any bigger decisions#but then it’s like how many shitty days at work is too many#idk#punk gets mail#personal
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the hits stop coming and they don't stop coming
#every time i think i can't feel worse i discover a new blow#TO BE FAIR. IT'S PROBABLY NOT EVEN THAT BAD#i'm just like. really sensitive or something annoying like that#the worst part is that usually when i'm feeling low i can hinge my feelings on smth like 'if this happens that means everything will be okay#but then sometimes. it happens. and i still feel like the world is ending. so that didn't work now what do i do#ugh i didn't even feel this bad when i was like in the hospital a few months ago and it's literally just like. (in summary)#2 people i love are mad at me. i did really poorly in my exams and might lose my gpa. my car (highly attached) is breaking down and i need#get a new one#i start a new job tomorrow and i heard bad things about it from my classmates who started before me#+ i have serious doubts in my ability to dress neatly and well with all my shitty poorman clothes#+ i started breaking out#+ i just noticed i lost a bunch of weight likely from my hospital stay and i dunno how to get that back#+ my doctor said i'm not likely to get full mobility back at this point and it's upsetting me#also my spare tires are missing#ugh i'll be fine. i'll be fine i'll be fine i'll be fine. i'll be fine#i'm good at dealing BUT ONLY WITH SOME OF THESE. i can deal with the car and the job and the health. but interpersonal shit?#which is the thing upsetting me the most? wow surprise surprise local autist doesn't do people good#UGH anyway sorry for complaints on main i just feel like i got too many straws rn#it's 10:30pm i'm sure i'll feel better in the morning (ignoring the fact that i've been feeling almost exactly like this for days)#ugh. it's fine. i'll deal. only way out is through or whatever
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I can't take all this shit now my stepdad got laid off and I'm gonna have to help him financially.
#i don't even have enough money to save for my wedding in november#and i feel sooooo guilty about the lack of money i have for that#but now i have to give whatever leftover i have (and maybe more than i can realistically do)#i mean he'll obvs help and be looking for a new job...but until then i am fucked#damn it i cried on the way to work today and now i'm crying on the way home#and i don't think i have enough weed to get truly obliterated tonight#i can't keep going like this and it sucks bc therapy won't help shitty situation disorder#i know i need it but it's only gonna help so much if life keeps dumping on me#kfi txt
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sometimes its hard to think my art will really reach enough people to fulfill my dream
#im so behind#and such a...mediocre artist lmao#im best at digital and even then apparently that isnt good enough#i dont know how to actually use any other art mediums i dont step out of my style comfort zone#i dont draw every day at the speed of light with a new piece all the time#which i dont think is a bad thing necessarily i blame capitalism and what consumerism has become on that one#idk even tho i do like my art and think its underrated it doesnt rly matter cause#i dont rly have an audience#its so discouraging when years ago my older shitty art got so much attention#and now that im at a place where my art is good to me i dont get seen AT ALL#im just down#and whining#cause i dont have the time or energy or means to be a full time artist#and its because no matter what ive always done in the past i can never seem to get further#i cant be a full time artist i need to work a dumb normal job just to barely make ends meet#i could go on about this forever and how bad it makes me feel but its 7 am and im not on it
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I'm so scares of the volunteer roles due to lack of confidence 🫠
So the food serving thingy has two roles: cooking/prepping food, and writing orders and keeping track of who got food.
The first I'm not very confident in but would like to try eventually. The second one is compared to another kind of volunteer role, which is greeting ppls at the food bank and maybe serving stuff if requested and just helping ppl out in front of the building/outside. It says strong customer service skills are necessary for the role as well as being able to work with a diverse amount of ppl 🥺
And I would wanna do that if it's similar to the other one if it'll help me out, since the food serving thing is only two other ppl helping out the manager. But I have no experience with customer service and my social skills are SHOT! Also de-escalation and understanding of trauma are mentioned as helpful for the role 🥲 Idk if I'm good with de-escalation, best I could do was my family and even then they RLLY liked to NOT LISTEN to me when I gave em advice to calm down (like separating physically while they were both pissed off--I swear mom was rlly immature about it when I was trying to help my bro because HE IS A CHILD!!). And trauma. I mean I have *experience* but do I know how to handle **others** with trauma? No, no not rlly 🥲
Hhhhhh telling myself I just need to jump into it. Doesn't help that I watched a bartending video thing. Sink or swim. I'm so scared of sinking ;-; I'm scared of if they see me as pathetic and useless despite it being a volunteer thing!!
Fuck I just need to like. Work on the days that they're not serving ppl, not open to the public. So 3 specific days. And then I need to go from that to working on days that ARE busy, but I'm still not interacting with the public public yet. And then I need to ease into working with the public via the front of house roles. And then I can do whatever I want at that point ig-
God I want to start doing stuff now but I can't because I haven't been told if I need to do anything specific 🥺 I have shifts scheduled for after the event, bc it's in a week, and that's for the one role I feel like is probably rlly easy? Probably? And I just. Hhhh. The most info I have actually comes from a training video for a semi-unrelated role, bc it shows what I assume is made/left by the role I signed up for?
Hhhhh a lot. A lot is going on rn. A lot of serious planning and preparation and I'm trying really hard to not be a tight little ball of rubber bands (incredibly stressed out) about it. But it's hard not to. Especially when half of my stress comes from my roommate(s).
Fuck I just. Need to wait. Because that's what EVERYONE says. That things take time. I just need to wait for the time to do these things. Wait.
As if that hasn't been detrimental to me my entire life.
#sepiasys.txt#I'm so so so scared man I need. I need to like. choose other roles TwT As much as I/we RLLY wanna work with ppls; we need to get USED to#other people FIRST. Its hard to deal with other people as someone who is autistic and was shut in 24/7 (not entirely by choice until it was)#Back of house to front of house to hot food. It sounds so simple but it's really not. and I have to walk there in shitty shoes but its. fine#Study study study study I need to study the training videos again again again again#AAAAAGH I hate this I hate society I hate life and existing like a normal person BECAUSE I'M NOT T-T#But it's so easy to mask It's so easy to feel like I've never been stressed out or anxious at all when I'm there because that's always how#it goes with me. Going to a new therapist? Anxious bc alone. Actual therapy? fine. good even maybe. go home? decompress.#Going to a job interview? Jittery and nervous and pissed off and everything. Actually doing it? Jittery in one place but otherwise perfectly#fine! atleast emotionally. Ig. idk. AFTER interview? Go home and try to calm down and chill out w/a reward for myself to help.#It's always fine DURING and I try to tell myself that. Try to say remember that I'm in the moment!! And IN THE MOMENT things turn fine!!#But it doesn't really rid me of my anxiety. It just gets. blocked out. I would say masked but I genuinely feel it at minimal levels to zero#God why do I have to be built like this why is this how I function why does the rubber bands just get thrown into a box while we play w/smth#else temporarily before pulling the rubber bands out again? Why do I we have to be anxious and stressed until we're not and just#Why do emotions have to be so fucking stupid and weird and like a fucking light switch all the time#I FUCKING HATE THIS I HATE NORMAL PEOPLE I HATE THIS STUPID SOCIETY WE LIVE IN SO MUCH AND I JUST WISH I COULD STAY ALIVE AND EVEN LIVE#WITHOUT HAVING TO DO ALL THE STUPID SHIT YOU'RE EXPECTED TO DO AND EVEN SHAMED FOR NOT DOING OR NOT BEING ABLE TO DO#I hate it so much. God I want to fucking die in a HOLE. I'm so tired of this shit (I'm not 🦊 I'm just. crashing out? Idk but I'm like. havin#g a bad time and it's just kinda like lashing out in my depression spiral or whatever this is. idk. If u saw me physically you'd see how#depressed I look/feel. (and maybe empty too bc yk. But still).#OK RANT OVER I'm gonna go draw something :3 Or maybe try and figure out what was written from before (IW) even if it doesn't end up working
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lil rant in the tags
will delete later jsbdjs
ps. didnt know there were max 30 tags wow
#so i live in the netherlands right. best public transport (supposedly) in europe/the world even#and every day i need to go from one city to another. 1 hour with the train 30 mins with the bus#but this fuckass train is NEVER on time#the step over to this bus is always too late - so i miss it#and that happens twice every day#so my 1.5 hour commute easily goes to 3 hours. to AND fro#and it stresses me the FUCK out#my mental health has been in the fucking drain due to stress and i feel like breaking every day#and my stupid experiments suck ass because my supervisors wont supervise me#like. i have a professor and a phd student and the professor is my main supervisor but i did not know that until a few weeks ago????#like ive been here for 5 months and that guy said nothing#had maybe 2 small talks with him#and during the feedback moment with my supervisor from school has he the balls to say i am not independant enough and that i rely too much -#-on the phd student#because with every result from the lab i got i went to her because she asked me that#and i though SHE was my supervisor#and all my labwork has been on the maturation of proteins while it was supposed to be a light-induced on-off system of phosphorylation#of which i did basically NO work because i did not get any information nor the primers to even start#so i grew some sad colonies and did a pcr twice. which was negative because OF COURSE it was#so i am so fucking stressed#i still need to write the damn report too#the smallest mercy to the fact i have shitty ass almost no results#but i still have to present it to the group#itll be SO embarassing#at least the job applications this week led me to a new internship#the guy seemed chill and really nice#and i will get paid. which i do not now#im writing/typing this on the train home and the delay is already 13 minutes. how did we get here#im so fucking tired and stressed out#delete later
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I am so tired of crying all the time. Of being sad. This feels like a breakup because I am honestly heartbroken.
I cannot believe how happy and blessed I was just a couple of months ago and now.... en fin.
#purple rambles#sorry. i just- losing my dream job in this ways sucks so much#and everytime i see all the new projects i could have worked on...#like i could have been potentially working on the o** g**** 2.... or on a michael fassbender show...#and this feels like falling back into depression#granted. not as bad as it could be but it resembles that feeling#i really hope going back home will help me#but it sucks so much#bless jayvik for helping me not lose my mind#at least im looking forward to monday because i will go out and buy some christmas presents#before i stop being employed lmao#this situation also enabled me to go the tit tour because now i don't need tl worry about asking for days off#i can just go to amsterdam and spend the weekend there. even go to brussels#i think it will be healing and good#the bad part is that train tickets and hotels are really expensive now :(#if i had known before everything would have been cheaper#oh well#i hope i can really go#it will be nice to meet fans in person :)#i also want to make stickers and gift them to everybody!#so at least trying to come up with a design will help me get off my mind and this shitty situation#sorry for rambling so much
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hi it’s me with another vent post in tags. happy out of touch thursday
#not really actually a vent post. but i saw a post i wanted to reblog but will not due to reasons.#no elaboration there.#but the last few months have been like abysmally difficult for me at work and just only get worse#and as soon as this deadline passes i’m looking for a new job.#now would be the time for me to forget that somehow a coworker follows me on tumblr.#i don’t think so but like you know those paranoid thoughts oh well#anyway i’m stressed and miserable as fuck because of work but my lovely husband has been doing everything. in his power to help me#and i just love him so much. i don’t know how o got so lucky#he takes care of everything in the house and outside of the house and supports me and loves me in all the ways i need to be loved#and i just can’t describe the relief and joy of coming home to him after a fucking miserable day#and even when he’s gone at work just getting to talk to him on the phone#like it doesn’t always make me feel that much better cus honestly work puts me in a shitty mood and i’m not always easily drawn out of em#but mostly it does and he does and i just don’t know what i’d do without him being there for me#i know it’s hard work being a partner to someone who is 9 days out of 10 a cranky snippy pile of nerves#but he does it without complaint and he does it extraordinarily well.#my dearest heart i love you i know you won’t see this but i love you
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Turning up the music to max volume and laying facedown on the bed because the mental health has hit rock bottom like DROWN IT OUT, DROWN IT OUT, DROWN IT OUT, DROWN IT OUT, DROWN IT OUT, DROWN IT OUT--
Thoughts of self harm and maybe suicidal ideation in the vent in the tags. Sorry.
#irl#vent#self harm mention#self harm#i am not having a good time today at all chat#my brain is giving me the itchy little localized signals in my wrists that are connected to the Bad Thoughts and Horrible Coping Mechanisms#and like honestly i feel like i should be fine but im not#shit sucks#almost started crying because i realized i forgot to grab some new exfoliating gloves while i was at the store#gonna be eating nothing but ramen and potatoes this month#im lonely and life feels like a really shitty time loop and im probably never gonna be able to get my cats and bring them here#because i need to somehow manage to save up $500 just for oet deposit and pet rent#when everything is month to month to month#i dont have any friends and i dont talk to my family and i sincerely feel like i could die and the only person that would know would be#my partner and even then thats because we live together#and when i do finally die its not like anyone will have known me#people that i should or used to be close with will find out eventually and theyll all call me by a name that isnt mine#using pronouns and words and descriptors that misrepresent me as a person#ect ect ECT#whatever#like whats even the point honestly????#i dont know what im doing here i just feel like a huge burden to everyone around me#dssi is barely enough for groceries but its not like i can get a job near me being legally blind#im just a big ol burdensome money sink lolol#just an overly needy little waste of space#i dunno#i dont know shit anymore#im so fucking tired all the time man#im just#so tired
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