#2 people i love are mad at me. i did really poorly in my exams and might lose my gpa. my car (highly attached) is breaking down and i need

[zincbot]

the hits stop coming and they don't stop coming

[your-fave-adopted-you]

Ummm, I had a request in twisted wonderland could you make like a father figure guardian that gives gender neutral yuu hug or a pat on the head (any fatherly affection) and yuu’s so overwhelmed with happiness that yuu breaks down? It’s just that yuu didn’t have the best relationship with their dad and they never ever received any physical affections. Not that their dad was abusive physically or mentally but he never was really there and when he was he treated them sorta poorly because he didn’t know how to raise a kid. Or like he sorta put them thru a lotta dysphoria and they never felt comfortable enough around him to actually touch him. Haha if you could it’d make me very happy but if not that’s fine too!! Love your fics, have a good day! :)

This sorta feels like a pt.2 of my previous MC with a shitty father fic, but it's nice to have this approach too, not everyone with daddy issues was necessary abused so!

Guardian! School staff + MC that didn't get enough affection from their father back at home

Characters : Crowley, Crewel, Trein, Ashton

Gn pronouns were used.

TW : none

Context : From time to time, as you got more used to your new home (not sure if you can return to your previous one) you couldn't help but mentally compare your new guardian to your actual father.

A feeling of both relief and sadness washed over you the more you thought about it.

Do other people really grow with parents like your guardian? Not feeling uncomfortable around them? Not having to earn every bit of affection?

Dire Crowley

This man is the embodiment of "Where's my hug at?" but in the most dad way possible.

Especially if it's embarrassing for you in front of your friends.

he always hugs you goodbye when you're already heading to Ramshackle,

sometimes as he glares at your friends if he suspects any of them to have a crush on you.

i mean, he's not overly affectionate, but he's an eccentric, proud dad, and he HAS to show it.

You're used to this by now but you won't ever forget the first time he hugged you.

it had been several months since you arrived, and you were frustrated because Crowley didn't seem to care enough to bring you back home, even when he was so eager to be your guardian.

it didn't help that your classmates could always be in contact with their families and friends and you didn't even know how people you knew back at home felt about how you literally disappeared.

you were so mad.

you refused to attend your first morning class, Instead you went straight to his office.

and there he was, doing anything but research a way to send you back. As always.

that very day you were so homesick, and so fed up with his bullshit behavior that you lashed out at him.

As you were listing all the things that you missed from home, whether they were big, small, few, or many

You started to get more and more upset by the moment, and his response was to get up and

hug you????

you were shouting at him, angry as ever, and he had the nerve to do that??

nah but that sure made you shut up in an instant, in fact, as your eyes started to water you just hugged him back.

ok let's be honest it's most likely that he did that not knowing what else to do.

But there was a tiny part of you that only wanted that to happen whenever you were upset.

and that part of you wasn't new...

But it was just now, in this moment, that this piece of you, deemed insignificant, was finally heard.

and of course you started bawling like a baby right after. Happy, angry, sad, confused...

from that day on Crowley at least pretended to be trying to find your way back home.

Divus Crewel

it was the first time you got the max. score at one of his exams.

You figured that, that subject in particular was very similar to chemistry, so at least you weren't starting from scratch.

after two failed exams, you started to usually pass with the lowest grades but-

today you finally did it!!

and he was. SO PROUD

He's not that expressive or affectionate but he walked over at your desk to pat your head.

"Well done pup. i knew you could do this."

okay so

there was so much going on.

you were proven (by yourself) that you could actually keep up with your magic-user classmates and your new dad just told you how proud he was of your work!!

you were so happy-

so why were you crying?

but thinking about it, it actually made a lot of sense...

when Crewel noticed he freaked out a little bit. He just patted your head right???? he didn't hit you THAT hard.

when he asked if you were okay tho the answer wasn't so clear.

You were so happy right now, but so sad, because as you stared down at your score, you realized how much you've needed this kind of reassurance all your life.

it's not like you hated your dad from your og.world but... Any kind praise, any tender words... dude. even a hug felt like to much to ask.

So you figured that if you didn't have any of that you just had to try harder and prove you were worthy of it, right?

but, back at home, not even being the top student, most athletic, or most talented child would have been enough even if you tried.

you knew that by now.

but-

You just got a good score on a stupid piece of paper, right? and Crewel appreciated that...

wiping your (not so noticeable) tears, you smiled at him. "I'm okay now."

Mozus Trein

this man is about as affectionate as Crewel.

History teachers, am i right?

they will get mad at you for not remembering the blood type of the king's dog who died 400 years before people figured out that earth is not the center of the universe.

Mr.Trein could be ruthless if he found out that you made up your answer for the EASIEST question of the exam.

Even if he was your guardian, you felt really stressed by this, since you didn't even know the basic history of that world.

No. Especially because he was your guardian, you were scared for your life of failing.

Today, you did.

You really tried to study as hard as you could, but shit just wouldn't stop happening around you.

"the leech brothers" this, "Rook-" that "Kalim has set the kitchen on fire again" "PLEASE Y/N, WE HAVE TO SAVE HIM FROM JAMIL" and so on.

you didn't have the privilege of remembering even the most obvious answers because of legends, pieces of fiction, or conspiracies,

because you simply were never exposed to this information before.

He was so scary even when he didn't even look mad...

Anyways, he told you to look for him after class.

you were so prepared for the absolute worst omg.

and when you two met he only gave you... more homework?

"Look, you clearly need to put more effort on this so let me help you."

man that's a lot of homework. like, a ridiculous amount-

but you were expecting him to be furious at you for failing, and you actually told him about that.

"y/n, most of this is just reviewing in class what your classmates have been learning since middle school, of course, not as detailed but- it's not your fault that it's harder for you to remember all of it."

as he said this he put a hand on your shoulder, and spoke with the most patient tone ever.

"But you have to hand this over next week. Alright? I'm sure it'll help."

You were smiling widely without even noticing. Ignoring that tiny bit of sadness that echoed from the back of your mind.

"What's the matter?"

oh, nothing, just the fact that a man that you only have known for months is showing more care for you that your actual father.

no big deal.

as you looked down you said it was nothing, and thanked him for the extra homework (😭🖐️)

next time you're aiming for a full mark, let's see if that's enough excuse to get a hug!

Ashton Vargas

Nah be careful around this man.

he's definitely a hugger but the kind that'll break your ribs and swing you in the air.

okay so at first he wasn't very sure if you were okay with um, affection in general?

(this actually happened with the rest of the guardians like, you would NEVER initiate a hug. you were very formal the first few weeks so it was hard to tell even if you wanted any people around 😭)

But after a match between some first and second years, you celebrated your friends victory by, yk, hugging them real tight! (even if they were stinky af)

so, your guardian (NEW, AWESOME DAD) took good notes of that.

look, i don't care if you're athletic or not. learning to fly on a fucking broom seems hard enough.

now add the stress of it being a race!

yup! poor normie human fighting for your life 6ft above the ground.

but somehow ????you got second place???? lmao

and damn he was PROUD

he even ignored the actual winner

okay but listen it would be SO FUNNY if the winner was Jamil.

he went straight at you-

and LIFTED YOU IN THE AIR!!!

btw, yes, that's the sound of your bones cracking.

then someone points out you're crying a little-

okay maybe it's partially his fault but.

just before he put you down you hugged him back.

let's be clear, you were overwhelmed, yes, but like in a good way for once?

as suffocating as it was, it was the best hug ever, and you knew full well that you wouldn't have got that at home.

strange as it is... from this moment it felt more like home here, than your actual world.

[harryskalechips]

Too bad I’m attracted to you Part 2

A/n Hello I am back with this fat update. You know reading part 1 made me feel a bit bummy, I thougt it was poorly written. I hope this one isn’t as shitty. Anyways, enjoy today’s post has smut, fluff and a lot of angst hahaha

Part 1

Word count: 7336

2 years later.

Winter

“Large Iced Caramel coffee for Adeline!” The barista yells out in the busy coffee shop. I make my way through the busy crowd to pick up my order.

“Thank you.” I smile sweetly as I head straight out the door. Today was a busy day, I had just finished my 2nd lecture and I knew I had to make my way home now to study or else I’m going to fall back down in a rabbit hole of binge-watching my favourite show on Netflix.

I gather my phone and coffee in one hand as I rummage through my purse to find my keys to the apartment I lived in. I wouldn’t say I came from a rich family but my parents were hard workers who had very comfortable positions in their careers that they were able to get me an apartment near campus. The only con about this place? It was a constant reminder of the man who changed me.

He wasn’t able to help me move in here but he sure was with me when I first visited this empty place. He inspired me and helped me picture how this place would come alive. He left small details of himself everywhere in my life that it was hard to not notice them.

“Do you need a hand?” The soft brunette smiled at me as she watched me try to open the main door. I was guessing she was a visitor since she didn’t have a set of her own keys. I nod my head silently as she lets out a small laugh. She takes her hand out as I pass her my coffee and try to slip my phone in the backside of my jeans. I swiftly find my keys and open the door for us.

“Thank you!” I give her an embarrassed expression as she hands me back my coffee. “I’m sorry, I’ve opened the door many times this way I guess today was just not my luck.” She laughs and takes her purple beanie off and shoves it in her trench coat.

“It’s alright, my financé thinks he can multitask all the time too yet he’s only lucky once in a while.” I laugh at her comment out of politeness. Just as she mentioned her engagement, I noticed the simple diamond resting on her finger.

“So do you live here?” I ask to kill the awkward silence as we walk into the elevators.

“No, I’m actually just here to visit my friend.” I nod my head silently, waiting for the digits on the wall to reach 11.

“This is my floor, I got to go. It was nice meeting you though!” I wave at her as I walk out. She probably thought I was a teenager living with my parents considering how I was dressed. I had my own beanie on, with the maple leafs logo on the front. I had my dyed blonde hair in braids as I carried my thick tote with my laptop inside. I also forgot to mention how I was wearing my doc martens and my teddy coat. Yes, I definitely still dressed like a basic white girl.

~

Some days I feel lonely in the apartment when it’s late at night and I’m studying or if I want to watch a movie before bed. I try to talk to my friends as much as I can. My best friend from high school Mya was still my best friend but it’s hard to keep in contact with her when she’s at another university living her best life. I talk to Rachel and Sam but they’re both in and out of their houses and I only really get to catch up with them if we were in class or if we were studying together. It’s not like I’ve always been the type to be a social butterfly, I always preferred a tiny circle of company than a big one. Things did start to change however after I decided to cut the attachment I had with the man I once knew. I tried to numb the pain and isolation by going to parties. I tried hooking up with guys and I did but I know full well now that I regret it…. I regret everything.

Sometimes I wished I never asked the man for help, to be mentored. Maybe, I wouldn’t feel so fucked up as I am today.

After my relationship with him ended, I felt undesired as if I was unlovable. My parents didn’t notice a thing but my sister, Marla did. Coming home from his place that night made me scrub my skin in the shower until it was fiery red, until my body and my mind screamed at my heart to stop. I began to wonder about my last moments as a senior in high school.

Did I feel violated? No.

Did I feel regretful? Yes… no… I don’t know

Did I feel used? Yes. Definitely yes.

I know you can’t force one to love you the way you love them but that night when he told me he didn’t expect us to be together as I entered University, I knew I had to leave. Why? As a young naive teenager, I believed he was the one man in my life who would ever make me feel this way. Yet, all he did was fail me and show me that our relationship wasn’t worth jack shit. Funny thing was I had no clue that the girl I met in the foyer was going to link me back to him.

~

“Hi! Excuse me, I don’t know if you remember me?” The voice of a familiar girl calls out my attention as I enter the building. I stomp the snow off my boots to look at the girl. She was standing in front of the couches with the pretty abstract paintings on the wall. I walk over to her and smile as I take my left airpod out and put it back in its case.

“Yeah, I do what’s up?” She had an anxious look on her face. Should I keep talking to this girl or was it kind of suspicious how very approaching she was to others? She seems really nice though.

“I’m sorry to bother you but is there any way you can sit with me until my fiancé arrives to come and pick me up?” I give her a confused face. “Here sit down I’ll explain.” I take my tote off my shoulder and sit beside her.

The unnamed girl today was wearing a sleek leather jacket while I sat next to her in just my tights and my parka. “My name is Valerie by the way.”

“Adeline,” I reply back shortly.

“My fiancé has been calling me for hours and I thought I left my phone at my house so I never bothered to check my bag to see it in there. I stayed here at my friend’s place and my fiancé found out. Let’s just say he’s angry because he knows my friend here isn’t a good friend at most times to me.” As she continued to ramble on, I was so confused as to why this girl was in such a messy position. “Is there any way you can pretend to be my friend? I promise I have good intentions, I just don’t want my fiancé to know I was here with Kacey. That’s the friend I’m talking about.”

“Um, sure?” Her fiancé was mad about her hanging out with her friend? Seems like a bad fish that needs to be let back into the sea, in my opinion.

~

A familiar range rover pops in front of the glass doors at the same time I look up. I notice the unfamiliar guy barely parking his car as he tries to catch the door of the person who unlocked it to get in. He had a beanie on and the hood of his jacket was on, I couldn’t see what he looked like.

“Valerie.” The familiar voice called out, my ears perking up to the sound, knowing how I once was so in love with him.  I used to remember the way he spoke and the way he sounded. I listened to it all year long.

He seemed angry as he marched his way in determination towards us. What the fuck did I get myself into? I keep my gaze on the floor as I watch Valerie in my peripheral view stand up to go hug him.

“I’m sorry honey, My friend Adeline and I went on a walk around the area, I left my phone in her apartment.” With that, I look up to see him as I catch him already looking at me.

It’s been two years and he looks so different. He seemed more broader now and he was growing a little scruff. He looked older yet he seemed to carry that aura that I once found security in. His arm was wrapped around Valerie as his other one just laid against the side of his body. I try to mask my face as I stand up to walk towards him. I give a fake smile and glance at Valerie… his fiancée

“It’s nice to meet you. I’m Adeline.” He gulps and nods at me.

“I’m Harry.” He pauses and glances at Valerie. “How did you two meet?” I stand there, dumbfounded. Little did he know I was covering for his finacée.

“Adeline and I met down at the coffee shop a block from here!” Valerie interjects and moves her weight onto Harry. “Anyways, Adeline it was nice spending time with you and getting to know more about your brother in the military. I think Harry and I should get going though.” The humour in all of this was both Harry and I knew I didn’t have a brother. Just a sister.

Yeah Valerie, good luck digging yourself out of this one.

I nod my head silently and watch as they both walk out. He opened the door for her, the same like he used to do for me. I noticed how fidgety he became as if the anger he felt for Valerie was no longer important. I’m pretty sure he’ll deal with her lying another time. As he makes his way around the car, he glances once more time at me to see if I was still there. I was. He started the car and drove off in a flash leaving me alone with my heart beating so fast

~

In my apartment now rushing in without a care in the world, I toss my bag onto the floor and rummage through the drawer of my nightstand looking for my inhaler. Fuck, where was it! Freshman year of university was tough for me. I was going through a heartbreak, the anxiety of exams were weighing on me, and I couldn’t get myself to trust people after a long time. This time, I saw him again. What did I expect? I mean I live near him too. I’m just surprised that I never caught him in the local grocery store or something. Now? He’s engaged. My first love is engaged. He found someone to love and it wasn’t me!

As I continue to toss things out onto my bed, I find my inhaler in the depths of the drawer, I pull it out and without another second, I press the button letting the air blow into me. I sit on my bum and rests my back on the side of the bed, taking in deep breaths as I unzip my jacket. Why am I broken?

…

My buzzer wakes me up as I try to snuggle more into my white sheets. I wasn’t expecting anyone who could it be? Still dressed in my tights and a loose tee, I get up and press on the mic of the electronic pad.

“Hello?” I can’t help but yawn.

“It’s um Harry.” I pause for a moment to think. What is he doing here? We haven’t talked in 2 years but how does he remember which apartment I was in? Why is he here tonight?

“Yeah, What can I do for you?” my voice turned more cold.

“Can I come up and uh talk to you?”

“I don’t think that’s a good idea.” I rest my forehead on my wall.

“I have to talk to you.”

“You had 2 years to do that.” One part of me knew he wasn’t going to come up here but another part of me was begging to see him, that maybe I can get closure and move on with my life. He is engaged after all, it’s not like he’s here to seduce me.

“Adeline, please.” The softness in his voice made my mind go crazy. I remember the days when he used to use that tone with me all the time.  How special I felt knowing none of my classmates knew that behind the teacher who gave us endless papers to write, there was a real softie, a real hopeless romantic.

“Alright, come up.” Without another moment, I cleaned up my tiny place as fast as I could. It was easy since I was pretty neat but tonight will be his first impression of me after 2 years. After fluffing my living room pillows, I sprint into my room to toss on a UFT sweater and brush my hair as I let it down from the messy bun it’s been in all day.  The expected knocks scare me as I set my brush down and make my way to the front door. Glancing at the clock, I noticed it was just about 9 pm.

“Hey.” I smile softly as I open the door wider to let him in. Don’t show him how fucked up you are. My brain screams at me as I get a whiff of his cologne. It’s been two years and you don’t care about what happened! I try to chant to myself as I observe him looking around my apartment.

“Wow, your place is just what I’d expect it to be.” He unzips his jacket and rests on the futon beside my door.

“Yeah, would you like some tea? You can just sit on the couches.”

“Alright, thank you.” I move quickly into the kitchen making his tea, trying to ignore the feelings I have after making eye contact with him once again.

As I walked back into the living room, I noticed he was sitting while holding a frame of me with Rachel and Sam during orientation day. I place the tea on the coffee table in front of him and sit beside him, making sure to keep my distance.

“So orientation camp huh?” He smiles still looking at the picture.

“Yeah.” I smile as I look at it too. That smile was real, it was one of the first moments in my life where I didn’t care about what happened at the end of high school graduation. He sets the picture and mumbles a thank you while taking the blue clay mug and taking a sip of it.

“Still remember how I like it.” He compliments and sets the mug back down. “Did someone make this for you?” I glanced at the detail he was looking closely at. It had a handwritten sentence on it. The days have always been dark in our favour but I would change that for you.

“Yeah, my friend Chase did.” It was a gift he made me after I decided to cool down our friends with benefits status. He was willing to give me more but I wasn’t ready. I’m still not.

“He seems like a poet.'' The man bites his inner cheek and clenches his jaw, not too noticeable but I caught on.

“He has a way with words.” Not like you though, my mind had thought as I went through a mini flashback of listening to his love letter for me the first time.

*

It was summer and just as the days grew longer so did my time with Harry. Lying to my parents I was going to sleep over at Mya’s but instead I was at my teacher’s house. He seemed to be too focused on a letter he was writing while I laid on his couch playing a stupid game on my phone. His soft voice called me to get my attention.

“Baby,” He looks up to see me sprawled in my short shorts and a tank top. “I wrote a letter and I was wondering if you can tell me if it sounds good.”

“Who’s it for?” I sit up and toss my phone onto the couch as I make my way to sit in his lap.

“For you.” He holds onto me lovingly as he starts to read the letter. I close my eyes and rest my head on top of his, trying to remember this night.

*

“I’m sure you do too.” The man interrupts my thought as he looks at me. “How’s the university life, you’re in the second year right?”

“Yeah, two more and I’m out of school.” I shrug my shoulders and play with the split ends of my hair. “Still teaching at Clement’s?”

“Yeah. I'm not teaching English anymore though, I’m teaching history.”

“Oh, that’s something new. At least you get to use your history minor.” He laughs and shakes his head. I just began to observe what he was wearing. He was wearing a grey long sleeve and blue jeans. Guess some things stay the same.

“Valerie lied to me today. I came here because I wanted to know the truth before confronting her.”

“Ha-” I pause, he looks uncomfortable as I continue on. “Never knew you were the type to be possessive. You shouldn’t be like that, especially to your finacée.”

“You don’t understand, whatever she told you, I have a reason to act this way.”

“Why then?”

“First tell me why she was here.” Harry pleads. We both sit up more as I let him know.

“We met in the coffee shop and we became Fri-”

“Adeline, please tell me. Have you seen her in this building multiple times?” He asks as I can feel his frustration seeping through.

“Yes, why?”

“Fuck!” He mutters as he stands up abruptly. “Fuck!”

“Ha-... What’s wrong?!” He looks at me immediately as he sits back down beside me.

“You can’t say my name.” He calls me out. “Adeline, say my name!” I give him nothing but a blank look. He rubs his face in desperation.

“It doesn’t matter, I’m just petty. I don’t feel-”

“Why do women always lie to me!” Harry interrupts me. “Did I fuck you up so bad, you can’t even say my name?” He looks at me with tears in his eyes. “Please tell me.” I nod silently as he closes his eyes. “Feels like karma you know? After letting you go, I thought I would never be happy again until I met Valerie last year at a club.” He glances at me as I sit there quietly, letting him continue. “Want to know a funny thing? I caught her in this apartment two months ago sleeping with her ex-boyfriend. She had her locations on and when she called me, I was so confused so I searched for his name on the list downstairs. Stood outside for hours until she came out of his apartment with hickeys all over her.”

“I still don’t know why I asked her to marry me last month. She begged me to stay with her and I just thought that maybe we deserved each other because we both like to sabotage our own relationships.”

“I’m sorry,” I whisper to him as I move forward to rub my palm on his back.

“She’s still cheating on me.”

“I know.” And without another moment, he turns towards me and hugs me into his arms. All the anger in me dissolving because of his story, because of this moment. “I’m sorry.”

Spring

The club was very busy tonight and after waiting in line to get in, all I wanted to do was go back out and probably sleep in my bed.

“So you couldn’t hang out with us yesterday because you and Harry had dinner?” Rachel asked me earlier while we were in line going in. All Rachel and Sam knew were that Harry was my ex-boyfriend and we dated for 6 months.

“Yeah.” They didn’t know that Harry and I have been spending a lot of time together after he ended his relationship with Valerie. Valerie didn’t know anything about us, which was nice. I didn’t want her to get angry at me but I also knew she deserved it. My newly formed friendship with Harry, however, as beneficial as it was strictly platonic. It’s been two months and I feel like my mental health has improved. Maybe if Harry decides to leave my life again, I’ll be okay. I also learned how to say his name again without feeling my heart hurt. The times now have been good, I’ve been good

“Still can’t understand how you felt so in love with him, only after dating for 6 months,” Sam called out as we entered the club. She didn’t know what Mya knew. I ended up telling her at the end of summer when the break up happened. Mya told me I was 100 percent reasonable because I was involved in a serious relationship for the first time in my life.

~

“Hey, that guy has been eyeing you for a while,” Rachel smirks at me as she points discreetly at the cute blonde guy glancing at me while talking to his friends. I make eye contact with him and smile. As the night was still young, he made his way over to me. After a few more drinks, I knew my mission was to bring him over to mine

...

As I wake up in my sheets alone, my head pounds making me groan. Sitting up, I noticed I was in the unnamed boy’s polo. After brushing my teeth and using the toilet in my ensuite, I headed out to realize the ruckus was coming from my living room.

“Good morning beautiful.” The blond boy smiles as he sits at the dining table eating breakfast take out. “Your friend is here by the way.” He nods his head to the kitchen. As I walk into the room, the tiles sting the bottom of my feet. There, I see a pissed Harry making tea.

“Hey.” I tuck my hair behind my ear as I’m surprised he’s here. He looks at me and passes the mug into my hand without another word. “Thanks. How did you get here?”He looks behind him to see the boy eating while watching something on his phone. The unnamed boy seemed to be around my age.

“Thought I would get us some breakfast since I hadn’t heard from you yesterday but Jamie here buzzed me in without a word. Came here then he took your breakfast so he could eat. You can have min-”

“Thanks.” I smile and take a sip of the tea. “I think he should go though I didn’t even know his name until you mentioned it.” Together, we walk out and I notice Jamie finishing his container or mine.

“Thanks, Henry! Breakfast was delicious.” Harry widens his eyes then nods quietly.

“Jamie, is it alright you leave now? Harry and I have somewhere to be.” I ask nicely as he stands up and cleans up after himself.

“Yeah angel, just let me get my shirt back then I’ll be out doing my walk of shame.” He smirks as he watches me. I glance at Harry who seems to be angry again.

After Jamie leaves and Harry and I sit together on my couch using two forks sharing his bacon and eggs, he speaks up. “So that’s what you were doing yesterday huh?”

“Yeah.” My cheeks flush as I purposely only eat the yolk of the eggs, knowing Harry hates that part.

“I know it’s not my business but do you have one night stands a lot?”

“Um. last year I only had three then Chase and I had benefits until this year, after that Jace… I mean Jamie has been the last one.”

“Oh.” He says silently. “That’s cool.”

“Don’t you have one night stands a lot?” I tease as I take a sip of his coffee since my mug is empty.

“You know I'm not really keen on those. Before you, I wasn’t really into it. After you, I fell into some deep hole so yeah I did. Valerie’s my last.” I nod and glance at the quiet TV. “You know the year when you left, I was a really mean teacher. Mrs. Raisell had to speak to me and ask me to pass all my students because ⅔ were failing.”

“Maybe they deserved to fail?” I shrug my shoulders and laugh.

“No, I was purposely marking hard.”

“Are you still hurt about Valerie?”

“If I’m being honest with you, I was waiting for something to break us up. I couldn’t imagine marrying her.”

“Why not?”

“Always pictured it would be you.”

Summer

Today was going to be my first day entering Harry’s house again. I was nervous but the thing that kept my spirits up was that I was going in with Harry and the broken part of me was fixed once again. To me, it didn’t matter that Harry broke me because he fixed it, at least I have his presence here again and I don’t feel lonely anymore.

“We’re here.” Harry smiles as he steps out to open my door. I glanced at his house that seemed to bring comfort to my heart as I saw Harry nod his head for me to follow him. After locking his car, we enter his house. It smelled the same and looked just a bit different. I noticed how there were fixed holes in the wall, some of his books were missing from the shelf, and he had new windows and a new TV.

“Did Valerie change some things around here while you guys were together?” I ask as I take off my shoes and sit with him in the living room. I used to remember staying in here and cuddling him. Sometimes, I would ask him to edit my essays. He would tell me all these tips but I would drown him out, pretending to listen yet my attention was on the TV show he was watching.

“Actually, No. Valerie and I were only together for 4 months plus we were never really here. We spent most of our time at hers.” He sits down and turns the TV on.

“What’s up with the holes and missing books in here.” He looks at the holes I was staring at. He lowers the volume and speaks to me.

“Mind if I get something upstairs.” And with that he sprinted upstairs, leaving me on the couch.

As he made his way back, he handed me a mini leather journal. It was a bit torn up but it seemed to be in good condition.

“Um,” he pauses as he sits down. He turns towards me and keeps his eye contact on the closed journal. “You can read that when you get home but I can tell you what happened here.” I nod my head and take the journal and hug it into my arms. “When you left, I uh... felt like that was a bad moment for me. I just- you know why we broke up. I just didn't expect you to love me.” he looks at me while I stare at him breathe a bit heavier. This was the closure I was asking for.

“Addy, I was so excited that night and when you told me you loved me, the insecurity I had for the past 9 months just buried me. I don’t know how to explain it. I just- I was scared you would take that back later when you realized how much potential you have and how you can have a better relationship with a boy that was going through the same stuff you were. I’m sorry.” He looks at me and bends down to wipe a tear down my face.

“I always thought about your parents’ reaction if they found out about us, I thought about your friends, I thought about my parents. It was so messy in my brain. Then when you left, I realized that I loved you too but you were gone in an instant. I got so angry at myself for letting fear take over me. So um I decided to punch the walls and throw my TV through a window. Decided to take each romance book out of my shelves and pour alcohol on them.” He laughs to himself. “I even remember crying so hard, trying to tear out the pages of my favourite book, you know a copy I gave you for Christmas. Anyways, I was really mad at myself that I didn’t try to get you back. I mean I took your senior year away from you. You should experience Uni and I guess that’s what made me decide to let you go.” I cry harder and look at the almost bookless shelves

“You fucking ruined me, Harry. I tried to have fun but all I was fucking looking for was something to numb the pain you left me!”

“I know baby and I’m sorry okay! I’m sorry for not being strong enough! I’m sorry for fucking doing that! I’m sorry! I’m sorry! I’m fucking sorry!” He yelled as we both cried on his couch.

“I fucking loved you and you threw that back in my face. I rubbed my skin so hard that night when I left this fucking place. Do you understand that? I had- my skin peeling for days after trying to get you out of my skin, trying- to … rinse your.. Scent off m-”

“Baby, are you okay?” Harry’s eyes alarmed as he watched me hyperventilate. “Fuck, Addy, you don’t have asthma!” I grasp onto his shoulders as he quickly lets go of me and runs to his kitchen, as he walks back he has his own inhaler in his hands. “Here, it’s alright, baby. I’m here now, it’s okay.” As I take in a breath, I fall into his arms and hug him.

“I love you, Adeline. I love you. Two years or not, I don’t give a fuck. I love you.”

…

The night was quiet as we cuddled together on his couch. We were both speechless about what happened earlier and now we have been watching infomercials for the past hour. Harry was petting my hair as I laid on his chest playing with the journal he gave me. “Want me to read that for you. It’s just little lines I wrote about you.” I nod my head and he takes the journal into his hands. He soon began to read each page out loud. I closed my eyes on his chest, trying to remember this night. The same way I did when I first listened to him read out his love letter.

I know you were way too bright for me

I’m hopeless, broken, so you wait for me in the sky

All the lights couldn’t put out the dark

Runnin’ through my heart

Don’t you call him “baby”

We’re not talking lately

Don’t you call him what you used to call me

Forget what I said

It’s not what I meant

And I can’t take it back, I can’t unpack the baggage you left

Sunflower, my eyes want you more than a melody

Fall

“Ahh, Harry let me down!” I scream as I feel his arms engulf me as he lifts me off my feet. “If I don’t unpack my things then I’m going back to mine!” I tease as he laughs putting me back down but not without stuffing his mouth in between my neck so he can leave kisses there.

“You can’t, you sold it already. You’re living here with me forever!” He murmurs against my jaw as he turns me around and leans me against his counter. “You’re here with me now.” He smiles as I kiss him on the nose.

After rekindling our relationship, I decided to sell the apartment and live with him since I’ve spent more time at his place than mine. When I told my parents about Harry, they were happy and they agreed with me moving out. Little did they know that I was dating Harry back when I was still his student but I think that’s a story for another time.

“Oh no, what did I sign up for! I’m living here with you… forever!” I pretend to sigh but he pinches my hips and lifts me onto his dark blue counter.

“Promise baby it won’t be too bad. We’ll redecorate the place just how you want it. We can spend so much more time together and… we can have sex anywhere you want.”

“Hm, I like that.” I kiss him on the lips as I wrap my arms around his neck.

“I know you do baby.” He laughs. He kisses me harder then pulls away. “Are you done unpacking your mugs or should I organize the bookshelves myself?” He smirks as he watches me pout. I tug on my pigtail and hop down the counter.

“I want to help you, of course!”

That night we spent hours reorganizing his book collection. I even added some of my own since I’m an English major too. The shelves that were once empty were now filled with many genres of books but I made sure that the majority of them were romance.

~

“Baby, are you almost finished?” I knock on Harry’s office as I see him marking his last stack of history papers.

“Mmm, I don’t think so.” He looks up at me and sighs as he glances back at the hill of papers that don’t seem to shrink.

“I was hoping you and I could spend some time tonight since I just finished my homework.” I walk inside the room and close the door. I make my way onto the couch that I’ve grown used to and sit down. Harry was wearing his glasses with his grey sweatpants and a plain white tee. I was wearing his polo and just my panties. Tonight though, no funny business. I’m here to keep him company yet let him focus on marking. “You know I took AP history, maybe I can help you with the marking like old times.” I lick my lips as he glances at me from the paper he was reading, he took a bit too long to respond since he was too focused.

“Yeah, alright, go grab a paper. The research question should revolve around world war 1 and Canada’s involvement.” With that, I took the paper from his stack and picked out a pen from his mug. I got him that for Teacher Appreciation Day when I was still his student.  

A couple of hours after, I didn’t realize I fell asleep on his couch as I watched him finish the last few. All I remember is him carrying me to our bedroom.

“Oh, I’m sorry I fell asleep?” I yawn as I watch him beside me getting settled into bed. The fairy lights around our room set the vibe since I decided to hang them up because Christmas was just around the corner again. “You should’ve woke me up instead of carrying me to bed.” He looks at me and laughs, bending down to kiss my forehead.

“It’s okay baby, plus you could be awake and I’d still carry you to bed. Thank you for helping me mark tonight. It reminds me of the old times.” He hovers over me and intertwines both of our hands on either side of my face.

“It’s alright.” I smile as I watch his eyes look at me. “ You know I was thinking, if we don’t count the two-year break, we’ve been together for about 15 months.” He licks his lips and kisses me on the lips.

“Feels weird huh? Feel like I’ve known you forever.”

“Yeah, I think so too.” He kisses down my neck even though we both know we’re both very tired. “I love you,” I whisper.

“I love you so much more,” Harry whispers back as we finish the night with sloppy, slow sex.

Winter

“Happy birthday to you, Happy birthday to you, Happy birthday dear Harry, Happy birthday to you.” I sing softly as I carry a stack of pancakes with a lit candle on top. Harry was just waking up, surprised at the view of me in just his shirt. I carefully crawl on the bed so he can blow the candle out. He reaches out and closes his eyes for a moment before blowing the flame out.

“Thank you.” Harry murmurs as he comes closer to kiss me. “I love you, Addy.”

“I love you too.” I kiss him back. “Here’s your fork, let me just get your coffee downstairs!” I was just about to get out of bed but he holds onto my hand.

“Stay, I can get some coffee later.”Since it was a Saturday, we were very lucky to stay in bed and watch TV all morning. Harry was feeding me a couple of bites while I would let my fingers massage his scalp for hours.

“You know I don’t know how I got so whipped for you, Ms. Chastain.” He murmurs against my jaw after he sets the plate down on his nightstand. “Saw you standing there, the first day in class and I knew I just had to get to know you.” I laugh and sink myself more into the sheets so he can hover over me.

“You know I didn’t know we would get back together. Thought I would never see you again.” He rubs himself on me as I let my fingers graze over his newly shaved chin.

“Are you happy to be with me?” He asks seriously as he kisses my jaw.

“Mhm.” I moan.

“You love me yeah?”

“I do.” He looks up and smiles at me. He kisses my forehead then lifts up my (his) shirt off my stomach. “Harry.”

“I love you, Addy. So fucking much I do.” The wetness of his tongue teases my stomach as he makes his way back to the top of my chest so he can suck on my nipples. “So fucking beautiful you are.”

“Harry.” I pant as I watch him take a nipple into his warm mouth. His other hand playing with my panties and teasing my core.

“Can’t believe I let other guys touch you. You should’ve been mine only. To touch, to love on, to moan for.” He inserts his fingers in me as I scratch his back. “Moan for me baby, scream my name.”

“Daddy, fuck, oh my god. Faster please!” he gropes my boobs and slaps my wet pussy.

“Too bad I’m attracted to you yeah? Don’t give a fuck what you do, who you sleep with. I just want to love you all day long.” He whispers in my ear as I touch his hard dick and try to jerk him off too.

“Love you, you’re so big, daddy!” Without another moment, I come undone as he moans too at the sight of me. He takes my hands off his dick and teases my entrance a bit before putting it in.

“Remember that time I gagged you with your panties and blindfolded you with my tie.” I nodded. “Fucked you so hard and bent you over my desk that day. So difficult after you left me to mark homework on that desk. I couldn’t stop hearing your moans in my mind baby. You fucked me up so hard.” And with that, he thrust into me so fast as he reached forward to choke my neck.

“Daddy!” I open my eyes to see him, biting his lip watching himself fuck me hard.

“Open your eyes love, want you to see me tear you apart.” He helps me sit up and rests my back on the headboard as I watch him fuck me over and over again. “Fuck, don’t look at me like that, I might just have to turn you over right now and spank you.” He takes his thumb and puts it into my mouth so I can suck on it.

“Then turn me over daddy, spank me while I feel you in my stomach.” He bends down to kiss my lips and just as I was about to kiss him back he turns me over on all fours. Slapping my ass twice before putting himself back in me.

“So wet, baby.” He pulls my hair out of my face as he thrusts faster. I clench my fingers around our pillows, trying to also hold onto the headboard. “You fucking like that when I fuck you hard? Such a slut for my cock baby. So wet, you’re fucking leaking for me.” He teases his finger around my other whole. “Look at this one, I might have to try and give this one attention next time what do you think?” As I moan, attempting to reply he cuts me off, “Maybe now is a good time.” He spits onto the hole, teasing his finger around it. “Are you okay with this Addy, do you like how it feels?”

“Mhm.” Harry pulls onto my hair a bit harsher.

“Answer me correctly, say it properly. Let daddy know.”

“Yes!” He slips his thumb into my now wet hole as he fucks me faster.

“Fuck, I wanna put a baby in you so bad baby.”

“Put one in then.” I moan and reach down to rub my clit.

“Get off birth control and I won’t doubt for a second to put one in.” He grits his teeth and flips us over so I’m riding him. “Be a good girl, show me how good you are.” He whispers and slaps my butt. I watch his face turn into pleasure as I roll my hips onto his, trying my best to fuck him well. My moans were seemingly uncontrollable as I feel him deep in my stomach.

“Come for me daddy please fill me up!” I whine and without another second, we come together. Harry reaches quickly for my neck, choking me as he thrusts his hips upwards. His seed fills me up as I un slide myself off him and reach down to taste us. He watches me with a smirk as I lay back down beside him. I feel him move his arm underneath me, as he searches for something. As I lay beside him looking at the ceiling, I watch his hand open a black velvet box in front of me.

“Harry,” I whisper, turning to look at him.

“I know it’s my birthday but the only wish I had in mind was if you said yes to the question I’m about to ask you.”  He sits up a bit as I mimic his position.

“Adeline Chastain, I knew you ever since you were 18 and I’ve loved you ever since then. You would make me the happiest man in the world if you would marry me?” I watch him as we both cry so happily together.

“Yes, Harry, I will!” He takes the pear-shaped diamond engagement ring and slides it onto my finger. He kisses me softly as his fingers touch the necklace he bought me for graduation.

“I’m very much in love with you and I promise to take care of your heart, to protect you, and make you the happiest woman in my life.” and with that we kissed again, leading us to the never-ending hours of activities in the bed.

When I was 18, I was naive. I thought Harry would be the only man in my life who would ever make me feel this way.

And I was right.

[purplesurveys]

1035

survey by tickticktmr

Do people spell your name wrong very often? LOL, of course. When your name is the less-common variant, expect it to be misspelled all the time. Only like 2 out of 10 times do people ask me if my name is spelled with an i or y, but it’s them I appreciate the most.

Who will your next phone call be with? I’m not expecting any phone call for a while.

Would you rather be taken or single? Ugh, taken. I love being in a relationship; I always enjoyed looking after someone else and doing things to make them happy. Being independent has its perks too, but I always feel lonely at the end of the day.

Do you plan to move any time soon? Nope, I’m taking it slow.

Would you rather have pink or green hair? I’d go with green but only if it’s a dark shade, like the color of seaweed. I wouldn’t appreciate neon green on my hair.

Do you miss anyone's smile right now? I saw it again yesterday, so I’m good.

Do you want kids? I used to, but now I’m back to the drawing board when it comes to kids.

Do you know who sings 'Let it rock'? It’s not ringing a bell, and honestly the first thing I remembered was the Goofy Goober Rock song from the Spongebob Movie HAHAHA. Sorry to disappoint.

Do you think stargazing is a romantic thing to do with someone? Sure, but I think it also works platonically. Stargazing is generally a nice and relaxing thing to do whether you’re alone, with an SO, with a friend, or with a bunch of friends.

Do you want to tell someone something right now? Yes, but I can’t.

What's your opinion on sex before marriage? It’s whatever. People can do what they want, and the only things they should watch out for are consent and being safe.

Do you own a car? I don’t own it, i.e. I didn’t pay for it, but it was given to me so I can have a car to drive myself when I need to go to places.

What is something that is always in your kitchen cupboards? Rice.

The last person you spoke to: have you ever lied to them? For sure. Growing up with strict parents taught me how to lie convincingly.

Have you ever made out with them? That person is my mother. No.

What woke you up today? I did so naturally.

Have you ever had a pet rock? No. People do that? How do rocks become pets?

Have you ever been lost? LOL like the lost-in-life kind of lost? Sure. I’m going through it at present because life threw a shit ton of curveballs at me over the course of two months.

How long is it until your sibling)s) birthday? My brother’s birthday is in 5 months; my sister’s is in 10 as she celebrated her birthday just last September.

Are you lazy? I can be if I want to. But I’m not always, of course.

Do you read the newspaper? No.

Have you ever heard of the song 'Teeth the size of piano keys'? No.

Who was your last thought about? You got me thinking about my sister because of the earlier question about her birthday.

What made you in the mood you are in right now? I’m relaxed at the moment and that’s thanks to the fact that it’s Sunday, I’ve recently gotten into a new hobby and a show I can dive into, and tomorrow’s a holiday so no work for me :) Gonna make the most out of this evening for sure.

Have you ever told someone to go to Hell? I’ve most likely done so, but only as a joke.

Do you know anyone named Jos? As in, pronounced ‘Jaws’? No. That’s one of the more unique names I’ve heard.

What's your font on MSN/AIM? I don’t use either. I never used either, either.

What's more important to you: books or music? Music.

Do you have any magazine subscriptions? Nah. Even when I still collected magazines, I preferred physically going to magazine stands and buying new issues. It was more exciting that way.

Has someone ever really hurt you without even realizing? Yeah.

What do you sleep in? A bed, most often. Sometimes I’ll pass out on the couch but that doesn’t happen too much anymore.

Have you changed in the past six months? Yes, both naturally and forcibly. It’s been... quite a year for me, even if we put Covid aside.

Do you bite your nails? When I’m anxious. I haven’t had to do this for a while though, and I mostly did when I was in school awaiting a presentation I had to make.

Do you like the name Natasha? I used to like it when I was younger, but it slipped out of my favorites for no real reason at some point; it just did.

What's a food that starts with the last letter of your first name? Naan.

Does your house have a white picket fence? It used to, but we had them removed after a string of typhoons increasingly deteriorated their quality over the years.

Have you ever been given flowers? Sure.

Do you have a YouTube account? How many videos have you watched on it? I do. Is the second one a real question lol? I’ve watched thousands, as I’m sure most people who use YouTube have done as well. This is like asking how many tweets in total I’ve read on Twitter since I first signed up.

Do you know anyone who is really, really conceited? My mom can be one. She likes to act as if she can do no wrong.

Who’s the last person you told off? My manager at work. I did something she asked me to do and followed the instructions down to a T...and then she said I shouldn’t have done it? That kind of thing happens at work every now and then and it’s fucking exhausting. It’s like every move I make has its own script and the script changes every five minutes. 

Are you optimistic? Sure, but not always.

How do you get to school/your job? I work from home, but under normal circumstances I would’ve been driving myself to the workplace.

Love or lust? Love.

Do you smoke cigarettes? Yeah, but I keep my use of it at an extreme minimum. I’ve only done it socially and I’ve only asked for cigarettes from my friends who have their own packs (and were willing to give me a couple of sticks, of course).

Have you ever been so mad at someone you hurt them? Like, physically? Yes, but it’s only because I was hit first.

Have you ever met someone you met online in person? This is on surveys a lot...yes. I’ve met several online friends who were once in the wrestling circle with me; and one time I bought a product from someone online so we had to meet up for that, too.

Have you ever not studied for a test and gotten 100%? Probably not a 100%, but close. I never studied for my Language exams in middle school because it was just literal English grammar, which I was already good at by that point.

Where is your boyfriend/girlfriend right now? I don’t have any.

Have you ever won a contest for public speaking? No, but I’ve joined one. I got a little frazzled by the middle of my speech (it was impromptu and I didn’t know my question until I got on stage) so in the end that cost me first place.

Are there any woods near where you live? Nah, it’s a private village so it’s super suburban and no hidden woods or forests anywhere.

What did you do today? So far I’ve watched 3/4 of an episode of Start Up, cried, washed my face, washed the glass that I drank soju from last night, and sat up in bed and continued this survey.

Have you ever considered suicide? Yes.

Do you have a lot of myspace friends? No. I never really used my account.

What was your favorite subject in grade six? Science was fun then. Partly because I could tell the teacher liked me, and partly because her method of teaching was big on memorization of terms and processes which was always more my speed.

Hot chocolate or coffee? I could go for coffee right now. Hot chocolate is best when I’m on vacation and having breakfast at a fancy hotel.

Do you like your neighbours? I don’t dislike them, that’s for sure.

Did you do something stupid today? Not yet. 

Name a five letter word that starts with the same letter as your first name. Ripen.

What time did you go to sleep last night? Around midnight. That soju/Yakult combo knocked me out.

Did you have fun yesterday? It was an okay day, sure. I got productive and even drank for a bit last night just because.

How many people are online on your MSN/AIM right now?

Would you like to/did you drop out of school? No, that was never a part of my plans.

What was your favorite book as a child? If we’re talking kids’ books, I never got tired of rereading Corduroy and The Giving Tree. I also had a book of poems and nursery rhymes and I remember taking a liking for The Owl and the Pussycat because it was the longest poem in the book and it helped me train my English.

How far away does your best friend live from you? Both live around 20-30 minutes away, just in different directions.

Do you think you could write a book? A memoir, yes. Anything fictional, no.

Is it hard to tell someone you like them? Yes.

How many bedrooms does your house have? 4.

Do you know anyone who can't speak French? Nearly everyone I know.

When's the last time you brushed your teeth? Last night.

Are you the same religion as your parents? Legally. But I disowned Catholicism/Christianity a long time ago.

Would you do anything for a certain person? Yes, I would.

Do you know anyone in your science class? The last science class I took was a course on chemistry, and I only knew one person in that class.

Describe your room: Cozy, starting to get a little cluttered, big enough for one person.

Do you still write letters to Santa, even when you know he's not real? No, and I never wrote letters addressed to a Santa.

Can you name all of Santa's reindeer? Nope.

Have you ever been lied to by a girlfriend/boyfriend? I’m sure she did.

Where is your dad right now? I can’t tell whose turn it is to make breakfast today, so he’s either in the kitchen cooking or in their bedroom watching TV.

Are any of your relatives pregnant? As far as I know, no. But I also haven’t been on Facebook in a while, so I’m poorly updated on what my relatives have been up to.

How many garabe buckets are in your house? I have no idea what this is talking about.

Would you want the truth if you asked if your pants made you look horrible? If I asked that then yeah, I obviously would want to hear the truth.

[writtenbyhappynerds]

Unit 8: Romance

    Welcome to the romance chapter! If you haven’t taken Exam 2 for Fanfiction 101 go do that! It covers the last 3 units, so cliches, crossovers, and realism. If you have taken the exam and want the key to check your answers, DM me. Moving on, romance is a lot of writers’ bread and butter. It is an easy subplot, it can be fun to write, and it allows for both internal and external conflict. Romance can reveal a lot about a character’s personality, and it can be done extremely well where the romance between one set of characters is a hard-earned commitment and partnership between two people. However, more often than not, romance is done very, very poorly. We don’t mean bad grammar or unrealistic standards like we’ve discussed in prior chapters. We mean romance that is not romance and is instead the glorification of abusive and/or underage relationships. Strap in! This is our PSA to the world.

    First things first, lots of stories introduce romance as the hook. It’s Harry Potter x [Blank] or Jason Todd x Reader. Romance is usually what gets readers to click because they want to read a story about a specific character. What writers have to be careful of is to not make two characters falling in love the entire plot. A storyline where characters fall in love is a lot more natural if it is a subplot to a narrative; it should appear second to the actual plot. In Unit 6: Making It Real, we talked about how Mary Sues have storylines where they themselves are the entire plot. Lots of romance stories suffer from this as well, and I know you want to care about and center everything about your characters, but you have to give them something to do. The audience gets bored reading it otherwise because they don’t have the same emotional attachment to your characters that you do, and you can’t force them to. So, make romance a subplot. Make it an internal conflict that becomes external with time, and if you write a slow burn, we should not be able to infer that two characters are going to end up together from the first chapter. The Editor and I have seen stories where characters get together in the first 3 or so chapters and then break up repeatedly. That is not a slow burn, which is a slow gradual incline to infatuation. That is an on and off relationship. It also removes the incentive to read because we as the reader have seen the title. We know they’re going to get back together, and then we stop reading.

    We’d like to say that this chapter is our love letter to romance fanfic. However, as the Editor and I discussed more and more of the errors we find in fanfiction, it’s become a PSA. More often than not we see fanfiction writers glamorize and romanticize abusive tendencies and abusive relationships in their fanfiction as if it is “goals” or “adorable.” If we may remind you all, Twilight was not an example of a good relationship. It actually hit off all 14 nationally recognized signs for being in an abusive relationship. What this means, is that having a love interest who is overly possessive re: doesn’t let the OC hang out with people of the opposite sex, wants to constantly know where they are, is surprise popping-in to check on the OC, etc. That is not healthy because it represents a breakdown of trust in a relationship and less of a, “He’s so cute and caring that he wants to know where I am all the time.” You see this a lot in werewolf fanfiction. Usually, the Alpha is overly possessive, isolates the OC, and then wifes her up. Sometimes it’s against her will. This isn’t cute, and it isn’t charming. It’s dangerous habits and we as writers and readers should not see this kind of dynamic. I’m about to heavily spoil Frederik Backman’s Beartown for my next point. Beartown is an important book. It is my favorite book of all time. If you haven’t read Beartown there is a break in the paragraph here so you can skip ahead of the spoilers. Beneath it will be a spoiler-free summary of my point but using Beartown as an example gives me more context. There is also a blanket trigger warning. If you are easily triggered skip ahead.

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    We as writers and readers usually write abusive fanfiction because we see it as “not bad because he isn’t doing XYZ.” So long as the character isn’t getting assaulted, or isn’t being physically hurt, it’s okay that they did what they did. In Frederik Backman’s Beartown, Maya Anderson is in love with Kevin Erdahl. They have small moments, tiny little slivers of interaction that are cute and warm, and make you smile. In the background, the character Amat is also in love with Maya, but she only has eyes for Kevin. Kevin and Maya are seen as acceptable up until Kevin rapes her and then gets away with it because of the conspiracy of silence and shame that surrounds the hockey town they both grew up in. Kevin is the star hockey player. He’s untouchable, and if we equate it to werewolf fanfic, he’s the alpha. In fanfiction, the audience would never support the relationship between two characters if one sexually assaulted the other because it’s the worst thing you can do to another person. However, just because Kevin rapes Maya that doesn’t mean the other things he does are any less horrible. Kevin is still a piece of shit for gaslighting, manipulating, and lying to the entire town, but those actions are seen as less terrible if Maya is not raped. Abuse takes many forms, and a love interest can still be abusive without ever physically or sexually touching their partner. Look at James Saroka.

    Now, the brilliance of Beartown is that it completely subverts our expectations as readers. It surprises us. Up until the point where Kevin rapes Maya, it is a hazy, charming story of a little town trying to make it. After the action, the entire tone shifts, and the silence that this girl is forced to endure, which is so true-to-life for victims of sexual assault, change the perspective of the audience who don’t care if the town dies in a ditch so long as they let Kevin get away with what he did. Beartown shows us that love is messy and shows us a different form of love. It is not always two teenagers slow-dancing in a kitchen. It is not the shy bumbling boy asking a girl to the dance. It is a pining that sometimes never yields, and sometimes in the case of Beartown, it is a boy walking into the middle of a town hall meeting and breaking the team picket line to say, “My name is Amat. Kevin Erdhal raped Maya Anderson, and I saw it. I was drunk, and I’m in love with her, and I’m telling you that so you don’t say it behind my back when I leave.” Amat and Maya are a great example of a love story that doesn’t work out but is still someone caring passionately for another without any sense of entitlement. Amat never expects anything back from Maya, and he gives up everything to do what he does. It is an example of surprising the reader away from what would’ve been an obvious narrative.

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    Ok, you’ve skipped the spoilers. Anyway, as I was saying, a character is not less of a piece of shit because they do not physically or sexually abuse their romantic partner. In lots of fanfiction, not just werewolf fanfiction, we see romantic interests that are abusive. However, even the writer considers them not that bad because they aren’t doing XYZ. There is a difference between a bad boy and an abuser. The bad boy doesn’t follow the rules because he finds them harmful or stifling. If you’re doing a High School AU or setting, the bad boy wouldn’t want to sit in a classroom with a bunch of teachers who don’t care about whether he learns or not or what they’re teaching. They’re passionate. They oppose injustice, and they don’t go for petty revenge. A bad boy would be on some Gryffindor shit. An abuser doesn��t follow the rules because they see themselves as above the law or better than the rules. In that same High School AU, they wouldn’t sit in the same classroom because they’ve already learned everything they need to know and school is a waste of time. They get mad when things don't go their way. They do their best to keep what they consider their property close to them. An abusive boyfriend would fight just to prove he’s better than others. A bad boy would fight to defend someone. If your character is overly possessive, manipulative, or controlling towards their significant other that is still abusive and it is not okay. You as writers do not have any obligation to follow the mold of what the rest of your genre does. Alpha werewolves do not have to be overly-dominant and controlling: you can be assertive and be a leader without being a shitbag. Loki characters do not have to be abrasive and play mind-games with their OC. You can be mischievous without gaslighting your partner. A definition of gaslighting is putting doubt or messing with someone’s memory by convincing them something did or didn’t happen. That person might think they’re going crazy, that something’s wrong with them, and the person who is gaslighting them will convince them everything is fine and this is the way it’s always been. In Twilight, Edward gaslights Bella after saving her from the car. It’s an example of this manipulative tendency. “Bella, I was standing right next to you. I pulled you out of the way.” Bella tells him he stopped the van (the truth) and he does his best to convince her that she hit her head really hard and isn’t remembering things properly.

    Another sign of an abusive relationship is when a character changes their personality completely to fit the personality of their love interest. Again, this is evident in Twilight, and it’s also evident in the Joker and Harley Quinn in DC Comics. Harley is a very different person and was a different person before meeting the Joker. However, she changed who she was to become something he’d like. You see this in fanfic usually when characters who are written and depicted as “strong” crumble and become weak after meeting their love interest. You also see characters who drop their hobbies, the things they enjoy doing, or their other friends. This happens in writing because the author believes that the plot has shifted from the main character to the main character’s interaction with their love interest. To avoid this, romance should be kept as a subplot. If you have an overarching goal or destination, the romantic interest’s involvement will not interfere with the things that make the main character who they are because they are not the overarching goal or destination. Don’t force your characters to become someone else to better fit the person you want them to fall in love with. Two people can have different hobbies or different personalities. They don’t have to think on the same wavelength.

    Relationships don’t experience outward harm and aggression nearly as much as it is written. Lots of very unrealistic fanfics put this in to add conflict to their story, but fail to understand if a character was getting hurt on a weekly or almost daily occurrence, each instance where the character gets hurt loses its value because the act itself is normalized. Accidents happen, and in some lines of work accidents happen a lot. You see that in spies, criminals, or superheroes where injuries are huge problems, yet their line of work is an open door to injuries, and injuries are expected as part of the job. I had a friend lose an eye because someone smashed a pint glass in his face. I had a family member lose a finger because he cut it off chopping wood. Neither of these accidents was at their places of work, and both are living their best lives unbothered. Normal, everyday injuries occur, and accidents are normal. They should never divulge into a conversation about “protection” because that just takes three years off my lifespan every time I read it. Shit happens. My friend’s girlfriend didn’t wax on about being unable to protect him from the pint glass. My cousin’s wife didn’t try to throw herself in front of the ax to save his finger. Mistakes can be made, and you deal with the consequences. You take a workman's comp, you veg on the couch for a couple of weeks, and you get over it. An injury in either of these contexts would never lead to a conversation about protection, and it’s more realistic if you have a character who gets frequently stabbed, shot, scratched, or punched, for their significant other to say something like, “Oh, damn, again? Sit down, and don’t you dare get blood on the carpets I just paid to have them cleaned from last time.” This happens a lot in Supernatural fanfic. Usually with Dean Winchester, where after an injury that is usually a glorified scratch the character who has been written as capable and badass caves to Dean and becomes a backup dancer to his and Sam’s show. If the character was as capable and badass as written, they wouldn’t let Dean talk to them like that, and they wouldn’t have a relationship dynamic like that. Don’t sacrifice your character’s personality just so it fits better with a member of the cast. That’s not what healthy relationships are like.  

    Speaking of healthy relationships, part two of this PSA. A 15-year old or underage OC (meaning someone younger than 18 years old) can have a crush on an older person: a teacher, an Avenger, etc. They can have romantic feelings for said person. Said person CAN NOT PURSUE THE UNDERAGE PERSON. It is illegal. It is immoral. It is unhealthy. Tony Stark’s daughter or son is not going to end up with Hawkeye, Captain America, the Winter Soldier, Natasha Romanoff, Loki, the Hulk, or Thor. Having a huge age gap like this creates a power dynamic where one side of the relationship has less of a voice than the other because of their much younger age. It creates an unhealthy division within the dynamic where one voice is less important than the other because one voice has less knowledge of the world and is less mature than the other. On top of that, Loki, The Winter Soldier, Captain America, Black Widow, the Hulk, Hawkeye, and Thor would never pursue an underage child because they are all grown, mature, adult men and women. They would not want to sleep with and marry a teenager because a teenager is not emotionally mature or available to these men and women. That’s why the age of consent, at least in the US, is 18. I cannot drive this point home enough. If you have to lower the age of the cast to make the age gap less uncomfortable, you already know it’s wrong and it won’t work. You need to pick a different love interest or raise the age of the OC because as we’ve discussed in Rules of the Universe, this is not a good enough reason to change the canon of the cast. Even if the child is “mature,” a mature underage child is still a child. A child being in a relationship with a 30-year old adult is super creepy, and no 30-year-olds other than the ones who creep after underage girls are going to really pursue those relationships. If you are writing members of the cast to pursue underage girls, you’re writing terrible Onision fanfic. If the characters are say, 30 and 45, those are two consenting adults. The age gap is less important because both are older and mature and have the life experience to make these decisions for themselves that a 15-year old does not have. If you are writing teenage romance, keep them within two years of each other. They should be able to go to high school together for at least two years. Even looking at student-teacher relationships. This ain’t Riverdale. Even Riverdale was weird and cringy and no one liked it. Everyone thought she was the worst because she took advantage of a student and sexually assaulted a minor. That is what happened on Riverdale because when you sleep with a minor, that minor is incapable of giving consent, and what you have just done is commit sexual assault. If a minor sends nudes to an adult that is child pornography. If the adult is caught with that they are charged with possession of child pornography. Underage relationships are inherently unhealthy. Do not write them. Do not romanticize them. An underage OC can have feelings or a crush on an adult, but it will always and must always be a relationship that is never fulfilled. A relationship that does not work out.

    Love triangles are another aspect of romance that we see all the time. We talked about love triangles from a plot perspective in Realism. In that unit, they were a bad thing because your OCs deserve a much better story than choosing one person over another. Now, we’re going to examine love triangles from a romantic perspective. They’re tired. They’re old. They’re unrealistic because a girl or boy can be interested in multiple people, and need time to think about which one they’d like to end up with. Remember that we talk about abusive people who would fight to prove they’re superior to someone else. If two boys are fighting to try and prove to the world that they’re a better candidate for the OC, neither of them deserve the OC. If that’s how they treat her potential partner how will they treat her?

    In addition to abusive relationships, stop glorifying and romanticizing self-harm and eating disorders in fanfiction to build angst and give the character “flaws.” Going back to Unit 6: Realism, self-harm, and/or depression and/or eating disorders are not character quirks, flaws, or tools to build angst. They are ugly. They are terrible conditions that hurt so many people, and that people all around the world struggle with without getting help. It isn’t cute to write that a character cuts themselves but stops because their love interest tells them to. Not only is that insensitive, but it’s unrealistic. That’s not how that disorder works. There are many cliches that writers fall back on to build angst in a story, but they are often so poorly executed that they never work at making the audience feel the emotion you as a writer want them to feel. These cliches include depression, bullying, self-harm, homelessness, abusive parents, and/or dead parents. Sometimes these cliches dogpile on top of each other. That is unrealistic as well. If you are going to talk about mental disorders and mental health, the burden of proof is on you the writer to make the audience believe it. You have to research these topics heavily and make sure you understand them in their entirety. Then you have to use them as a conflict of the character, not as a plot to push or challenge two characters in a relationship. You can have a healthy romance without having ridiculous plots happen to main characters. Brooklyn 99’s Jake and Amy are a great example of two characters existing sans toxicity. They don’t need outward harm or threats to their relationship, they just need each other.

    This is a large information dump. We’re aware of that. To close out, we’re going to give and explain good and bad examples of relationships from TV and media. These are the cream of the crop. If you need examples of what to write or what not to write, look here.

    Sokka and Suki are a great example of a good relationship. Neither one ever discounted the other’s ability to be a badass. They respected each other's cultures as well, Sokka going as far as to learn and train with the Kyoshi warriors for the short while he was there. He never tried to “protect” Suki when he knew she could protect herself. In vice versa, Suki was the same way.

    Jake and Amy from Brooklyn 99 are a great example. Their relationship is peak good slow burn. They start off as rivals, become friends, and then realize at different times that they like each other. These realizations hit at different times and Jake is able to set aside his feelings for Amy to support her. A healthy relationship is someone who is happy for the person they love whether they are with them or not. If you compare this to something like Twilight, Edward Cullen was so arrogant that Bella would never be interested in anyone but him that it didn’t matter when he told her she could kiss Jacob if she wanted to. Both Jake and Amy retained the original cores of who they are as people while growing. Amy still color-coordinates, but she’s learned to relax and let go of the uptight attitude she once had. Jake still pulls pranks but has grown up a bit and become less immature. When this couple does face conflict, they confront it together and work out their problems as a team. When a couple finally gets together, their relationship usually flatlines because the author doesn’t know what to do anymore (often because the romance is the entire plot and once you accomplish the plot.. Then what?) but because their relationship was a subplot, it stayed alive even after they got together.

    Hal and Lois from Malcolm in the Middle are a great example of a good relationship. They knew each other so well, despite being very different people. There was respect. They were a team, and no one loved Lois like Hal did. That was always obvious. The scene where Hal and the boys go against Hal’s family because they made Lois cry is forever iconic, and they are a great example of a relationship.

    Ben and Leslie from Parks and Rec are a good relationship. They both respected the other’s career goals, and never forced one into an uncompromising position. They learned to have a balance of love and careers.

    Also, read but not explained: Rapunzel and Flynn Rider (Tangled), Kim Possible and Ron Stoppable (Kim Possible), Pam and Jim (The Office), Shrek and Fiona (Shrek), Percy and Annabeth (Percy Jackson), Gomez and Morticia (The Addams Family), and Santana and Brittany (Glee).

    Allison and Luther from Umbrella Academy are a bad example of a healthy relationship. They are not goals. They should not be romanticized. If you have to say, “it isn’t technically incest,” you already know it’s wrong. Even Gerard Way himself has said that he regrets putting them together. He himself called it incest. It ain’t PG. Don’t use them as an example.

    Allison and her ex-husband from Umbrella Academy are a great example of one person gaslighting and manipulating the other. We know from the show it’s implied she convinced and tricked him into falling in love with her. He created for him an entire world where nothing was real. It’s not a healthy relationship.

    Literally, every relationship in Riverdale is a bad relationship. There is not one relationship that did not have abusive tendencies, manipulation, or one person whining about “protection.” None of them are it. Avoid all of them.

    We have to talk about Twilight. Twilight’s Edward and Bella big mood bad relationship goals. Edward is overly controlling, obsessive, and needs a healthier coping mechanism. Bella herself changed her entire world to revolve around Edward to the point that New Moon has Bella equating her reason to live and self-worth as a person to Edward’s absence. She’s a great example of a character dropping everything they have for a boy.

    Gossip Girl is also filled with unhealthy relationships. According to the Editor, who has seen Gossip Girl many times over, Chuck and Blair are a good example of a couple that can’t exist without some kind of drama. They break up other relationships, cheat on each other, and use other people to make their significant other jealous. If it isn’t something you would expect anyone to put up with in real life, don’t expect your characters to put up with it either. They both were incredibly possessive, Chuck actually attacking Blair for being with a different person (Louis) and ruins a perfectly good mirror. Dan and Serena from Gossip Girl are another example. Dan makes Serena feel guilty and like a lesser person as time goes on. He slut-shames her, talks about her, and when it’s revealed that he is Gossip Girl, we realize as an audience that he’s been saying terrible things about her for years. Leave the, “if a boy is mean to you it’s because he likes you.” crap behind. If a boy likes you, he’s going to be nice to you so you like him back.

    Our final bad example is Jade and Beck from Victorious. Jade West deserved so much better. She was toxic and controlling, and Beck is a great example of gaslighting your significant other. He never claimed to have a girlfriend while many women would flirt with him. He never did anything to make her feel more secure in the relationship, and when Jade expressed concerns, he would tell her she was crazy or controlling when really she had every right to be (Beck x Tori). Jade knew the score and was belittled for it, and Beck let her get herself worked up and played directly into her insecurities.

    Dictated, but not explained bad examples: Pam and Roy (the Office), Princess Bubblegum and Finn (Adventure Time), Matt and Karen (Daredevil), Joker, and Harley Quinn (DC Comics).

    Next week is our last unit. Unit 9: Don’t Like, Don’t Read. We’re going to talk about constructive criticism, and why it is a wonderful thing that you should be open towards. Peer reviews are due in the comments in two weeks’ time. Xoxo, Gossip Girl.

[taylorleighlabarge]

Monday, February 19th, 2018.

Each day has its highs and lows, for sure. Seriously, nursing school is keeping me on my toes. When I feel like I start to get the hang of things and I start to do well, it all goes down hill again.

For example, last week I did AMAZING on almost everything I did, from quizzes to exams to check offs, I mean the whole nine-yards. However, I went into this week having the same confidence I ended last week with and I bit me in the butt. This morning I went into Pathophysiology knowing I had 2 quizzes on blood disorders & immunity. I had studied most of Saturday and spent ALL DAY in the library on Sunday and as I was sitting in Pharmacotherapy this afternoon, I found out I got a 60 & 63 on my quizzes!!!

What the heck am I doing wrong?!?!?! Am I studying the wrong way? Am I not applying the information correctly? Am I just out right missing something?!

I think the only thing keeping me from changing my major right now, is that its STILL not only me that’s not doing so hot occasionally. By saying this, I dont want it to seem that I want my classmates to fail or do as poorly as I am doing BUT it does help to know that I’m not alone.

On another note, I think I am reconnecting with my faith again and I am BEYOND excited. Over Christmas break I kinda...confronted my questioning and asked my family and friends for some help. This has been kind of difficult to listen to because some people came off more angry than others and it made me feel a little uncomfortable, but I feel that was because they know how important faith was, and is, to me and Ive always been strong in my faith and not afraid to share with others.

This doesn’t mean that I was mad at God or that I had hated church or anything, I was just wanting to do some exploring in my faith that I was already in... if that makes any sense at all. I realized that I had been nodding my head and just skimming the surface of the Word and I realized I couldn't answer any questions on Baptist practices or what sets us apart from any other Christian belief. I just wanted some answers. Now, yes at the time, there was a lot of change going on- as I was about to start nursing, I was under a lot of stress, and my aunt had just been wrongly killed.. there was A LOT to think about and I am definitely the kind of person to get easily overwhelmed.

This was a time I tried to turn to God and I didn’t quite feel as safe as I used to. Even though I knew he was there, I was pleading for an answer and I felt I wasn’t getting the reply I wanted, or any reply at all. It was scary because this was a brand new feeling. I felt that I was being pushed out of the nest and I was being flung into doing actual adult things and no one (earthly) was going to be able to help me- which is what I was used to.

Never the less, after returning to school, a couple of friends and I went to try out a new, contemporary, christian church. I absolutely loved it. It was just the right level of Jesus that I needed.

I am still struggling on the whole devotional thing, but I am back to talking to God like hes my best friend and I pray about EVERYTHING again, and it feels good to get that weight off my chest. I am still trying to figure out more about my faith, but now I am trying to include God instead of blocking him out while I am trying to find more things out.

I feel God moving me in a lot of ways lately and I am really enjoying it, ya know until he throws a curve ball to try to make me grow as a person... silly him. But I know He wont give me anything I cant handle. Just trying to take it day by day for the moment. That’s all I really can do, because that’s what we do..live in the moment. I guess as much as I love planning ahead, I can only do but so much planning.

[allondonboy]

Medicine for the Soul (Ch 5)

Chapter 5 - Allegro molto appassionato: presto (Ch 1, 2, 3, 4)

Ft. potstickers, puppies and pancakes

Content warnings for : misgendering, transphobia, Eliza being Eliza

@icoulddancettothisbeat Sky, thank you again for all your help, especially tonight, with getting this chapter out.

Lol weekly updates didn’t happen, did they. Thanks for your patience and to those who left kudos, notes, and comments, thank you so much.This chapter has been a toughie to write and I appreciate every single one of you and would love to know your thoughts on this.

The Eliza situation does get better. Alex does eventually properly play the violin. 

When Alex had put down their violin, it had been with the intention of never picking it up again. Then they had packed it on a whim for Stanford and it had taken one lapse of control for it to open this can of worms that, quite frankly, they could do without.

Frustration doesn’t begin to describe it. Their technique comes back to them easily enough but their fingers, once agile on the strings, stumble more than they should and it should not get them as mad as it does but the scratch of their bow gets nowhere near the sound of their best in their ears. It catapults a giant red F into their mind when they need As, only As, because with winter break approaching faster than any of them expected, Alex just doesn’t have the bandwidth to deal with anything less than perfection.

“There’s, um.” Alex flicks through the piece. “This bit here. I can get it right on its own but not when I play the whole movement.”

“Let me hear.”

Alex chooses a starting place and begins, gritting their teeth as they enter the ricochet bowing, and their teacher nods.

“There’s a stutter. You tried playing the - ”

“The measures before and after, yeah. I tried it with more than just one measure but it – there’s – it’s still there.”

Their teacher nods again and Alex rubs the pad of their bow, holding back a snap. A week of not being able to iron out the blip has left them irritated, practicing longer than usual, metronome on its loudest setting, stamping along to it until Eliza had threatened to tape down their feet.

“Try it again, slowly.”

It is still there. Not budging. Not going smoothly across the interval. Their bow is catching every damn time and Alex gets closer and closer to the stand in frustration until they finish with a huff.

“You’re panicking.”

“What is there to panic about?” Alex splutters.

“You tell me,” says their teacher. “You’re the one doing it.”

Alex throws their head back. “But I’ve practiced it so much!”

“Then that’s your problem.” Alex stares disbelievingly at their teacher and she laughs. “Focus on another section and go back to that one.”

“Isn’t that…giving up?” says Alex slowly. They refuse to be beaten by some dead German guy.

“It’s using your practice time efficiently. Acknowledging it still needs work but moving on to something else that does too.”

Deadlines, Alex decides, they can deal with. That’s the issue with their return to the violin because progress is somewhat measurable when you have a concert to prepare for, whereas playing for fun comes without that pressure.

Logically, the absence of pressure should make mistakes more tolerable. Instead, it just serves to drive Alex more towards the punk rock of their early high school days with each poorly executed phrase sending a jab of maybe anger, maybe shame, maybe both ricocheting through their heart. Imposter thumps in their ears as they play, music faculty practice room more private than their dorm room but still not entirely soundproofed.

It’s safer to eliminate the violin from their timetable and remove anything on their playlist that might tempt them – to allow their studying to step up a notch, they tell themselves. Their violin returns to under their bed and Alex hides themselves away in a private study room with Nirvana and their chemistry notes for company, deciding to stick to what they know: science.

“Mom! What did you make today?” asks Alex eagerly, taking the shopping bags from Eliza and dragging them to the kitchen. They eventually give up on carrying them all at the same time and run them to Jeremiah one by one. “Did you fix the problem with the labelling?

Eliza chuckles as Alex tugs the next load from her arms. “We did, yes.”

“How did you do it?” Alex shouts back. They hop up onto the counter and wait for Eliza to drop her purse on the table and shrug off her coat.

“Off the counter, young lady,” Eliza reprimands as she kisses Jeremiah hello. Alex makes a gagging noise from behind them and she pulls them into a hug, peppering their forehead with kisses until they push her away.

“How did you fix the proteins, Mom?”

“It was just a matter of finding the right molecule,” says Eliza, and the same look appears in her eye as when Alex tries to talk to their classmates about biology and chemistry and space. Especially space. It’s that look of this is really cool, trust me, and they found a new moon, look!, but also, in Alex’s case, the niggling whispers of nerd, of go away, Alex, that’s boring, of why do you like science so much, freak?.

But as Eliza breaks down her day’s work for them, complete with diagrams and the symbols Alex is learning to recognise as biologist shorthand, there is none of that fear in their mother’s expression. There’s only pride and passion, and as Jeremiah chimes in with a question that has Eliza reaching for another sheet of paper, Alex looks around the table at the two people who will never call them a freak for wanting to know more or for wanting to explore the universe from their textbooks and back yard.

A shared library table with Maggie becomes neighbouring study rooms and breaks on the bench outside the library entrance as they scarf down sandwiches and get refills of coffee. The sandwiches are at Maggie’s insistence after Alex had emerged from their room looking like they hadn’t eaten all day (“I had breakfast,” they’d insisted, “and anyway, I was studying.”).

“Is that even on the course?” Maggie hands Alex a fresh coffee and slides onto the bench opposite them. They lift the cup to take a sip just as they catch sight of a particularly interesting paragraph and leave it halfway to their mouth until it tilts and their notes are covered in black, one sugar.

Alex swears and throws a collection of sheets at Maggie as they jump up and desperately pat at the coffee.

“Alex, this is the senior year reading list,” Maggie says slowly.

“It was the senior year reading list,” they correct. “Now it’s covered in a coffee and illegible. You should have a look at it, actually. But maybe not that one.”

“Why?”

“There’s a section on genetics you might like.”

“No,” Maggie says, “why are you reading the senior list?”

Alex makes a face at the front of their now coffee scented shirt. “For a broader understanding of the subject area.”

“Broader than our own reading list?”

Their gaze shifts and they sit back down with a last swipe of the table. “Mom has a lot of that. I’d read at least half before I got my place here.”

Maggie mutters something under her breath that sounds like of course you had, and Alex shrugs and opens up another journal.

--

“Eat.”

“I have.”

Lucy looks unimpressed. “Coffee and cookies does not constitute eating, Danvers.”

“I ate them, didn’t I?” Alex mutters into their textbook.

“You inhaled them. I was there.”

“Then what’s the matter?”

“The matter,” Lucy says, pulling Alex and their chair away from their desk despite their protests, “is that you can’t sit exams on no proper food. I’ve ordered pizza, and you are going to eat some if I have to feed you myself.”

Alex snorts. “Cute.” They drag their chair towards the desk and Lucy stops it with her foot.

“What’s cute is that your best friend has spent seven years telling you to take breaks and all it takes is a pretty girl to get you to see sense.”

“Don’t sell yourself short Lane. You’re not exactly hard on the eyes.”

Lucy rolls her eyes. “Don’t change the subject. Do I even want to know how Maggie got you to roll over?”

“I didn’t roll over,” Alex says, running their tongue along their lip then biting it. “She was eating; it’s polite to keep someone company while they’re eating, so I joined her.”

“Company, is that what they’re calling it these days?” Lucy mutters. Alex smirks.

“You’re just jealous, Lane.”

“Jealous of what? A lanky nerd and their equally nerdy companion?”

Alex snatches up their pillow and throws it at Lucy, who ducks it with a muffled yell and pulls Alex’s hood over their head. They shuck it and glare at her, picking up their pen and resolutely going back to their work.

“Food, Danvers,” Lucy says sternly as she takes the pen from them. They sigh, but when the pizza arrives they demolish their half before Lucy gets to her second slice.

“I won’t say I told you so - ”

Alex waves a hand and swallows their last mouthful. “Yeah, yeah. Thanks, Lane.”

Lucy slides her laptop over to them and nudges them with her foot. “Choose a show.” Alex looks confused and Lucy resists the urge to face-palm. “You need a break. Choose a show to watch. One episode and we’ll go back to the books.”

Grudgingly, Alex sinks back into the pillows and opens the laptop. “Fine.”

--

Alex doesn’t mean to stop when they pass the bar on the way back from the library. Through the window they can see Maggie in the middle of a set, looking untroubled by work and unhounded by stress. They duck in, just for a moment, and forego a drink to lean against the pillar by the door and watch her.

Maggie doesn’t see them. She looks carefree, plucking and strumming and singing as confidently as she ever has and a stab of jealousy makes Alex brace themselves against the wall.

Her playing is perfect.

They’re not a guitarist, though chords and independent hands aren’t a foreign concept to them, but Maggie, sitting on the stool in the low light, singing, is playing with the most solid technique, the most fluid of movements and still the most honest of voices and it is.

It’s perfect.

Maggie sacrifices neither notes nor emotion for the sake of the other in a way that Alex has never been able to do.

She’s telling her story with all its nuances. She’s playing her music with all its flourishes.

Music shouldn’t be a competition but when they have so far to go to get to Maggie’s level, Alex can’t help but feel they’ve already lost.

--

Their first paper goes well, their second goes horribly, and they end up back in their room, nursing a beer and staring unseeingly at their physics notes.

As Lucy returns from her own paper, they offer her one of the six-pack tucked under their desk and she takes it with a frown.

“I won’t ask, then,” she says. She pulls on a hoodie and flops down on her bed, stretching out and plugging in her phone. “Two down. Fuck knows how many left.”

“Five,” Alex mutters.

“Hi Fuck, I’m Lucy.”

“You’re so funny, Lane.”

“It’s why you keep me around.” Lucy cracks open her beer and takes a long drink. “I’m surprised you’re not still going.”

Alex slowly tips forward until their forehead is resting on their desk. “I am. You caught me on a break.”

“Alex Danvers doesn’t take voluntary breaks.” Lucy frowns and sits up. “What’s up, kid?”

“First of all, Lane, we’re the same age - ”

“Three months older but whatever - ”

“ – and second of all, you’re the one who gets on my case about healthy study habits and all that shit.”

Lucy waves her beer at them with a wise nod. “I am. But Danvers in study mode I can deal with. Danvers in miserable drunk mode I can also deal with but not when I need to get work done too. So, I ask again: what’s up, kid?”

They mumble unintelligibly into their sleeve and Lucy hmms.

“Didn’t get that.”

“College was a crap idea.”

Lucy swings her legs off her bed and pads over to Alex’s, shuffling towards the end of the bed near their desk and putting her chin by their elbow. “Expand?”

Alex lets out a long sigh and fumbles their hand around their desk for a new pad of paper, head still on Electricity and Magnetism. “I’m in a place where I can study as much as I want and I go and fail the first biochem final we’re given.”

“Alex,” Lucy says reasonably, “you’ve failed all of four tests in your life.”

“Five now,” they say, and Lucy pokes them gently.

“This isn’t like you, Doctor Confidence.”

“I’m not a doctor yet.”

“You will be one day, and it’s the easiest thing to call you seeing as you’ve scorned all other titles except Hoarder of the Water Guns.”

“Oh, that’s been scorned. It was Kara’s suggestion. I like Ruler of the Universe.”

“Nope, that’s mine.” Lucy takes another swig of beer. “I should get it on a t-shirt.”

--

“Do you bring all the girls here?”

Alex smirks. “Just the pretty ones.”

“Danvers, you think I’m pretty?” Maggie clasps her hand to her chest and playfully bats her eyelids. “I’m touched.”

Laughing, Alex pulls her in for a kiss and gets it, Maggie’s hand between their chests, which she turns around so her palm is right on top of Alex’s thumping heart. Alex nibbles her lip and Maggie moans into their mouth, sucking in a tiny breath, and her nose brushes theirs and their thumb rubs circles on the bare skin above her hip as they pull apart.

“I’m going to miss that,” breathes Maggie. Alex places a peck on her lips and tugs her further into the trees. They’re by the lake, like many other people, celebrating the end of a semester that feels like it’s flown past. A boundary of oaks gives them some privacy from the rest of the student population skimming stones and having picnics, enough privacy to not care about who might see them kiss, and Alex rummages in their bag to pull out a football, tossing it to Maggie who spins it in her hands.

“You play?” she asks. Alex jogs backwards a few paces and holds up their hands, ready for the catch.

“Only with my dad,” they say, and Maggie rolls her shoulders before sending a perfect ball to Alex. They catch it with little difficulty and watch Maggie fall into a similar position as she waits for the return. “You?”

“At school,” Maggie squeezes out before she’s forced to dive to the left to scoop Alex’s wayward throw. “Your dad not teach you to throw properly?” she teases.

Alex bends low to catch Maggie’s next ball. “Just want to keep you on your toes, Sawyer. Don’t want you getting bored.”

“You’d never bore me.” Maggie sprawls to the right, just managing to hold on to the ball as Alex sends it the other way. “But I imagined this as a throw-around, not a tryout of some kind. If I’d known you intended to put me through my paces, I’d have worn other jeans.”

“Mm.” Alex licks their lips and doesn’t hide their checking out Maggie, clad in a form-fitting shirt and skin-tight jeans, trademark black boots, and leather jacket resting on their bags on the grass between them. “I like those jeans.”

“Oh, you do?” Maggie spins and stretches with her back to Alex, throwing the ball over her shoulder, smirking when she hears the thump of ball on human and turns back to see Alex on the floor, winded.

They jump to their feet and glare at her. “Not fair, Sawyer.”

Maggie shrugs. “Can’t help your levels of gay being so damn high.”

“You’re one to talk, Miss Flannels and Leather Jacket.”

“I don’t see you complaining,” says Maggie, and Alex is in front of her in three long strides, ball in one hand and the other hooking around Maggie’s waist once more as they run their tongue over their top lip.

“Oh, I’d never complain about the way you look,” they say, voice husky, and it’s just as well they’re holding Maggie because her knees almost buckle. The football falls to the floor as they lock their lips onto her jaw and her arms wrap around their shoulders and they move up to her mouth, the kiss deepening in a cascade of gripped shirts and feverish touches.

--

“When are you coming back?” asks Maggie. She hands Alex a sandwich and joins them on the log, legs pressed against each other.

“Not sure.” They take a bite and raise it to Maggie in a toast. “Thanks. You?”

“As soon as I can. I want to get ahead on next semester and it’s not easy working in that house.”

Alex cracks the lids off two beers and passes one to Maggie. “You have anything other than work planned?”

“Not especially,” says Maggie. “There’s usually at least one family gathering. Lots of music, food, you know the thing.”

“Yeah.” An image flashes in Alex’s mind of the last time the small Danvers family had had all its members around the same table.

A lifetime ago.

A very different lifetime.

--

Bringing their Ducati to college was the right decision for two reasons: one, it makes usually cool Maggie stumble at the sight of Alex in their leathers and two, it lets them trail Eliza’s car in relative peace on the way back to Midvale for winter break.

They pull up to the house to a mostly unpacked car. They linger, straddling their bike. It’s calm, the distant sounds of the other three chattering muffled by their helmet, and for the briefest moment they imagine Jeremiah’s boom mingling with Kara’s giggling.

“Oi, Danvers! Some of this is your shit too, you know!”

Lucy’s shout jostles them into action and they hide a grimace in the helmet. Without answering, they join Lucy at the trunk and hoist a bag onto their back as Eliza appears in the doorway.

“Dinner on the table in half an hour, girls,” calls Eliza, and Alex can feel Lucy and Kara’s eyes on them as they grab the last suitcase and lug it silently up the stairs. They can last one evening without reacting. They can.

They can’t.

Or, they nearly do.

They grit their teeth to each Alexandra, because Kara keeps interjecting with Alex, without fail.

They refill their wine glass as Eliza launches into how pleased she is to have her girls home, because Lucy thanks her for having her again and it diverts the attention, just for a bit.

Alex’s knee jiggles nervously as they push their food around their plate and take another gulp of wine. They reach for the bottle again but Kara slips the water jug into their grip instead and they scowl. By this point, Eliza is explaining to Lucy how she’s got back into cooking with Alex away and Lucy is nodding politely, tightly smiling, and Alex is static, all static, buzzing and incessant and thumping through them.

Abruptly, they stand. Eliza barely looks up and Alex’s heart lurches.

“Thanks,” they say robotically, and take their plate to the sink, letting the cold of the kitchen surface shock them into registering the silence behind them at the table.

--

Their wetsuit is exactly where they left it and they roll it on, up their thighs, up their torso, over their chest. The neoprene is as good as any binder, as good as any hug, solid and even pressure clinging to their skin even as it crawls with whispers of she and her and daughter.

They stuff the nearest warm clothes in a bag and scrabble in their desk for their keys and trip downstairs to sort through the garage for their surfboard, tucked in the far corner. It’s still carrying the scent of wax, the tang of salt water lodging itself in the back of their throat along with a lump that they’ve only just noticed.

Slamming the door behind them, they aim for the lake, getting faster until they’re running down the road, faster and faster until they’re on the sand, faster and faster and faster as they strap into their leash and run into the water and then –

The blissful silence of ducking under.

Underwater peace that they haven’t had in so long.

They surface and paddle out, and Rao the lake can be a dangerous place but just then it is the only thing in the world that can match the rawness of their heart as it rips, again, at the happiness that feels so out of their reach.

“I told Kara I’d watch you.”

They don’t see her at first, sitting on the wall with her ankles crossed.

“I don’t need watching. I definitely don’t need you watching me.”

Lucy flinches.

“Alex.”

“What don’t you understand about ‘fuck off and leave me alone’, Lane?” Alex hisses.

They rip their leash from their ankle and snatch their bag from Lucy’s loose grip. She slides off the wall to land in front of Alex. They ignore her.

“Alex, I know, I know you’re hurting - ”

“You know nothing about how I feel.”

Lucy reaches out a hand and Alex steps back and at last locks eyes with their best friend.

“That’s not – Alex, you’re my friend. You’re my best friend. I want to help, but – but I don’t know how to help beyond being here and you don’t have to tell me anything, okay, but I can’t leave you while you’re like this.”

“You can help by bringing back my dad.”

They swallow furiously and fight the tightness of their chest and glare at Lucy.

They glare at her more ferociously than they ever have and she closes her mouth with a quiet click. Her eyes burn with what could be tears but that’s not fair, how can she cry when they can’t, when it’s their dad, Jeremiah, their dad who is

he’s

oh, God, he’s

dead.

“I can’t do that, Danvers, I’m sorry.”

He’s dead and he’s not coming back.

“I told Kara I’d watch you.”

They barely hear Lucy over the echoing roar of the water in their ears.

“I don’t need watching.”

Lucy hands them a hoodie. They take it from her and peel the top half of their suit away from their skin to shrug it on. The hood is a poor substitution for the muffledness of the waves but it’ll do, they decide, and yank their sneakers on.

Kneeling down, Lucy knocks their shivering hands out the way to tie their laces for them. Tilting their head back, Alex sighs and lets her finish. They curl their hands into fists to try to warm their fingertips and start the walk home, not waiting for Lucy to catch up.

They walk in silence. It’s dark when they get back to the house and the curtain in the front room swishes as they unlock the door. Nostalgia hits them like a slap to the face when they lay tired eyes on Kara, two steaming mugs of hot chocolate in hand.

Hot chocolate downed, Alex stumbles into the shower and blasts it red hot, scrubbing every inch of their skin in an attempt to rid themselves of as much disgust as possible. They’re calmer after surfing – they always are – and though the hatred is less than it was, washed into the never-ending depths of the lake, it still pulses through them.

--

Music comes floating down the stairs to the attic as they step out of the bathroom and they follow it. Once upon a time, the spare room had been just that, but it soon became Lucy’s part time room and is now covered in knick-knacks and photos, medals hanging from the door handle and certificates on the walls. Kara looks up as Alex slips in the door and throws a piece of popcorn at them.

They get caught between ducking and going for the catch with their mouth and end up being hit in the eye. They eat it anyway and make a grab for the bowl as Kara snorts with laughter.

“I thought you were supposed to be the coordinated one, Al!”

“Shut it, Michelangelo.” Alex dives carefully onto the bed to settle between Lucy and Alex on Lucy’s bed. Lucy’s laptop is already open with the start screen of The Incredibles muted.

Kara groans through a mouthful of popcorn. “Seriously? Still with the nicknames?”

“Listen, that nickname is genius,” Alex informs her.

“I’m a Kryptonian, not a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle.” Kara pouts and burrows under her blanket, wriggling into Alex’s lap and squealing when Alex tickles her. Batting at Alex’s hands, she squirms across the bed and nearly knocks Lucy off, making her grab the blanket. The three of them spend the next few minutes hovering precariously half-on, half-off the bed until Alex, with the longest legs, manages to tug them all back into the pillows.

“You need a bigger bed for the three of us,” gasps Alex.

“That’s what she said,” smirks Lucy, and Alex elbows her.

“No sex jokes with my sister in the room, Lane.”

“I’m sixteen, Al.” Kara hits play before anyone can say anything else and Alex continues muttering under their breath about staying appropriate for the age of the room as Lucy turns the volume up to drown them out and they roll their eyes.

Maybe the vacation would be okay after all.

--

Their mouth is dry.

They flit between scared at disrupting the somewhat awkward peace that has fallen over the house and defiant at Eliza’s insisting on ignoring that Alex had even come out at all faster than Kara speeds to the puppies she sees on the way to school.

They clear their throat. “Mom.”

Eliza doesn’t put down her book. “Alex.”

“I want to ask you something.” They clear their throat again and rearrange the papers on the coffee table.

“Yes?”

“Could you – please could you put down the book?” Exasperation creeps unbidden into their voice and they sigh. Calm. They have to stay in control if they’re going to get through this conversation. With a click of her tongue, Eliza slips in her bookmark and sets the book on the arm of the couch, taking off her reading glasses and folding them, looking up at Alex. Mild annoyance sits in the crease of her forehead and Alex’s heart rate picks up. “Thank you. I – do you think you could try and use she less when I’m here? Please.”

Eliza rubs at her forehead. “You’re not still going on about these pronouns, are you? I thought college would have put that straight.”

“You don’t have to use they.” They clench their jaw. “Just don’t call me she.”

“Alex, you know I support you, but don’t you think this phase has gone on long enough?”

“It’s not a phase, Mom.”

They hold Eliza’s gaze, daring her to look away first. She does, and leans back into the cushions, closing her eyes.

“I don’t know who you are anymore.”

“I’m me. I’m still me.” Alex swallows and pulls their sleeves over their hands.

“But you’re not, are you? You’re non-binary, or whatever it is.”

“That doesn’t mean I’ve changed. I’m still me.”

Eliza’s eyes open. “So you’ve not changed, but you want me to change how I talk about you?”

Alex gestures wildly. “You’re the one who says you support me!”

“I do, Alex, but I can’t deny the fact that you are my daughter. You will always be my little girl, and you can’t expect me to just get over raising my eighteen-year-old daughter who suddenly decides that she isn’t!”

“You’re not even trying!” They stand and pace in front of the couch, alternating between running a hand through their hair and shoving their hands in the back pockets of their jeans. “Do you hear yourself? The things you say, the way you say them, do you even know how much they hurt me? Do you even care?”

“Alex, of course I care, I love you - ”

“Do you? Because it sounds like you just want the idea of your daughter but not the person attached.”

“Alex, that is not fair - ”

“What’s not fair is ignoring what I’m saying! I’m not – I’m not asking for you to – to suddenly be okay with this, but, but you could just try, you could try…” Alex’s jaw twitches. “You don’t even have to say they. Just my name. Just Alex.”

Calm. Stay calm.

Eliza looks at them for a long time before answering.

“I don’t understand what this is going to accomplish. These aren’t natural things to say, Alex. It’s not normal language.”

Fuck it.

“We live with an alien!” Alex shouts. “When has language every been normal here?”

“Don’t make this about Kara, Alexandra.”

“I’m not making this about – you know what?” Alex kicks the back of the old armchair in frustration and turns to leave. “Forget I said anything.”

--

Alex shuffles into the tent on their knees and immediately groans.

“Kara, we’re going to overheat if you sleep with all those blankets.”

A dishevelled Kara sticks her head out of the bundle of blankets and pouts. “They’re comfy. And it’s cold.”

“Not cold enough for what, seven?” Alex puts down the laptop, DVD cases, and potsticker boxes cradled to their chest. Kara snatches the potstickers before they can say anything else and they smile affectionately as she shoves three into her mouth with a contented sigh.

“Wawewashing?” she says and they raise their eyebrows at her. She swallows. “What are we watching?”

“Roadkill,” says Alex promptly and Kara whines as they start loading up the movie.

“Do we have to?”

“My turn to choose,” says Alex, pulling on their fluffy socks and unzipping their sleeping bag. “Ready?”

“No.” Kara pouts again and folds her arms. “What do you have against a good old romantic comedy?”

“Saps in love? No thanks.” Alex tosses Kara a cushion and hits play. “Just scream into that. You can choose the after-film.”

“What’s she doing here?” Alex spits. They’re sitting defensively in the opening of their tent, flashlight pointing at the grass where Kara shifts from foot to foot, blue blanket wrapped around her shoulders like a cape.

“Alex,” says Jeremiah warningly and they scowl. “I’m sure you can share your tent for one evening, can’t you?”

“No.” Alex folds their arms. “She can have her own tent. This is mine.”

“Alex,” he says again. “Be nice to your sister. She just wants to join in with you.”

“Well, I don’t want her to.”

Alex rolls back into their tent and slams the canvas as much as it can be slammed in the night breeze, squirreling down into their sleeping bag and turning over, away from the door.

“Go away,” they shout when they hear the scrape of the zip.

Jeremiah crawls into the tent beside them.

“She ruins everything, Dad,” whispers Alex.

“She wants to be with her big sister, Al. You don’t have to do anything differently. Just let her see how you spend your evenings out here.”

“I’m not choosing another movie even if she gets scared,” they say after a minute of deliberation. Jeremiah nods.

“Okay. Maybe you could play something less scary afterwards for her. You don’t want her to have nightmares, do you?”

That’s not fair. He knows they hate Kara’s nightmares. They hate seeing her scared of everyone (but they love that it’s everyone except them) and they hate hearing her cry.

“Fine.”

Kara falls asleep in the middle of The Little Mermaid and Alex turns it off not much later, tidying away their snacks and easing Kara down onto her pillow. Stretching, their toes hit the end of the tent and they make a mental note to investigate a replacement tent now that they’re both at the tail end of their teenage growth spurts.

Feverish snuffling wakes them just as the morning sun is starting to pour through the canvas and they crack open an eye to see Kara twitching and moaning in a way that means only one thing.

Nightmares.

Kara sits up with a start and Alex follows a second later, hand ghosting Kara’s back as she blinks, quickly, teeth chattering through stuttered breaths as she gets her bearings.

“Kara? Kara, hey, it’s okay, it’s okay.” Alex rearranges them so they’re sitting up opposite Kara’s ashen face, tear tracks still visible on her cheeks, and they hold their hands out, palm up, waiting for Kara to place her hands in theirs when she’s ready. “It’s okay. I’ve got you,” they murmur and Kara hiccups as she raises wide eyes to Alex’s concerned ones.

She gives Alex her burning hands and they run their thumbs over the backs of them. “Sorry,” she breathes, and Alex gives her a stern look.

“There’s nothing to be sorry for, Kar.” Kara doesn’t reply and Alex tilts their head to the side as they survey their sister. “You’re still having them?”

“Mhmm.” Kara sniffs and drags her forearm across her eyes. “They’re mostly okay.”

Alex eyes her and moves to sit next to her, pulling her into their side. “You know, if you ever need to talk one through, I’m only a phone call away.”

Kara waves a hand. “It’s okay. I’m okay,” but she snuggles closer anyway and tugs the blanket up to her chin. They stay tucked together until Alex’s leg has fallen asleep and Kara’s stomach rumbles and she rolls away from them with an “oops.”

“Right.” Alex shakes out their leg and rummages around for their hoodie. “Pancakes?”

Kara lets out a soft “yessssss,” and Alex laughs, leaving the tent, narrowly missing a guy rope and hearing Kara trip over it on her way out. They turn around and laugh harder, walking backwards to the backdoor as Kara scrambles up and glares at them, before running at them and suddenly they have an armful of hungry Kryptonian and they stagger to keep them both upright.

“Jeez, someone’s been eating their greens,” they mutter and Kara swats them.

“Rude!”

--

As Maggie’s face fills their screen, they sigh and sink back into their chair.

“You are a sight for sore eyes,” they inform her and she laughs, the sound tinny over the speakers but still as Maggie as it is in person.

“Hello to you too, Danvers.”

“How’s Blue Springs, Nebraska?” Alex asks.

Maggie screws up her face and blows out a long breath. “As small and as boring as always. How’s sunny Midvale?”

“Not so sunny.” Alex picks at the stickers covering their keyboard and tugs their hoodie further round their shoulders. Maggie watches them with her quirked smile, eyes soft and slightly pixelated.

“How’s it being back with your sister?”

Alex’s face lights up. “Yeah, really nice. It’s nice to have peace at college but it’s nice having an excited puppy follow you around.”

“You have a dog?”

“No, just Kara,” Alex chuckles. “But she brings home strays all the time knowing full well we can’t keep them because of Mom’s allergies and then she looks at me with puppy dog eyes and then the dog looks at me with puppy dog eyes and God it is so hard to say no to that expression but how am I supposed to take a dog back to Stanford?”

Maggie stifles a grin. “That’s cute, Danvers.”

“It’s a fucking nuisance, that’s what it is.” Their heart isn’t quite in the retort and they groan playfully. “Maggie, I swear she names them all on sight.”

“You must have a shelter nearby.”

“We practically have a loyalty card for it,” mutters Alex.

“Can’t you just tell Kara to not bring them home?”

“You try telling Kara to not do something.”

“Didn’t have you pegged as a soft sibling, Danvers,” teases Maggie.

“I’m not soft,” they say indignantly as the screen dips and they suddenly see half the keyboard and the tops of Maggie’s thighs. A stream of another language follows and then Maggie’s face is back, cheeks tinged red.

“Sorry about that.”

“Not at all,” Alex says. “I was enjoying the view. Everything okay?”

Maggie gives a tight smile. “Yeah, my aunt was asking who I was talking to.”

“Oh, is this the big reunion?”

Maggie’s eyes flick away from the camera. “Yeah. That.”

“Al?”

Alex makes an apologetic face at Maggie whose nervous expression dissolves into a grin as she makes an it’s fine gesture, and they open their door a crack and stick their head out.

“Kara.”

“Alex!” Kara comes flying at the door before Alex can shut it again and she catches sight of Maggie on the screen. “Oh, you’re busy. Oh, you’re busy. Oh, that’s Maggie! Hi Maggie!” She goes to wave at the screen but withdraws her hand with a horrified gasp. “I can’t meet,” she drops her voice, “your girlfriend for the first time over Skype, Alex!”

“Then get out,” says Alex, raising an eyebrow, and Kara flushes.

“Yes. I will. Just – please can I borrow your soldering iron?”

Alex gestures to the toolbox sitting in front of their wardrobe. “It’s in there.”

Kara has it before they can register what she asked for and they shoot up from their chair. “Wait, Kara, what do you need a soldering iron for?”

--

“You look happy.”

Alex bristles at Eliza’s comment as Kara and they arrive downstairs to start a food hunt. “Is that a crime now too?”

“Don’t start, Alex, please.”

Alex’s jaw drops. “Start what?” they cry. Kara busies herself with the bag of donuts on the side and watches with wide eyes as Eliza turns on Alex.

“I can’t handle any of your fuss tonight.”

“Fuss?” They’ve gone high pitched and incredulous and their bubble of happiness fizzles into an aching chest.

“Can’t we have a normal evening for once?” says Eliza and she picks up her discarded pen, makes a note on a post-it, opens another paper.

“Normal…” Alex chokes and they wrap their hand around the opposite elbow and squeeze it until their fingers go numb. “I…I - ”

They shake off Kara’s fleeting touch on their shoulder as they dart back up to their room.

They were happy.

--

“What are you going to do about March?” asks Kara, adjusting her glasses.

Alex shrugs. “Don’t know.”

“Do you want me to come over? I can come over.” Alex shrugs again. Kara folds her arms and tilts her head and crinkles her forehead and Alex adds a helpless gesture to another shrug.

“I don’t know. Yeah, sure, you can come over.”

“Are you gonna be okay?” Kara blurts it and Alex can’t help but smile.

“When have I ever not been okay?” they say, and Kara gives them a look, then drags them into a hug and ruffles their hair. “Hey, get off!”

“Kara, we’re going.” Eliza interrupts them and she starts heading down the stairs. “Let’s leave these two to unpack.” Kara makes an acknowledging noise and pulls Alex in more.

“You’re not alone,” Kara mutters into their ear and they squeeze her tight. “You’re not alone. I’ve got you, okay?”

Alex eventually pulls back from their sister and they poke her nose playfully. “Drive safely and stay out of trouble, you.”

“Me?” Kara scrunches her nose, offended, and punches Alex’s shoulder in return. “You’re the one who will end up blowing themselves up in the lab or something.”

“If they do, I’ll kill them,” Lucy says and pulls Kara in for her own hug. “See you later, squirt.”

Kara’s indignant “hey!” bounces off the walls of the staircase as she bounds down to the lobby, and Alex and Lucy follow her at a more leisurely speed, stopping just outside the door as Kara piles into the front seat next to Eliza. Waving excitedly, Kara stays twisted around in the seat until Alex and Lucy can no longer see the car and they nudge each other, checking the time and deciding with one look that coffee o’clock is upon them.

[inspiredstory]

Chapter 3

From birth, the new generation has been forced to follow the new regime. There were only two basic laws to follow; do not disobey the regime and, you are to live with & only love the person that matches your serial number. But for Jungkook & (Y/N) that was never an option. They never agreed with the new regime and now there’s a reason for both of them to fight back.

Read on AO3

Pairings: Jikook // (Y/N) x Surprise member 

Prologue / Chapter 1 / Chapter 2 / Chapter 3 / Chapter 4 / Chapter 5 / Chapter 6 / Chapter 7 / Chapter 8(coming soon)

***

Finally, the weekend was here. You’d think that The Elite would prohibit an activity outside of the strict regime rules… and you’d be right. Any type of party that wasn’t cleared with The Elite was strictly prohibited. That didn’t mean that the new generation didn’t go out of their ways to bend the rules. Tonight Jungkook & Hoseok were going out on a limb and exploring one of the secret underground parties. “Not a word of this to anyone Jungkook. We could get seriously busted for this.” “Don’t worry. I’m good at keeping secrets.” (Y/N) got ready with Eun Ha calming her nerves, “Eunnie, if you don’t want to go you probably shouldn’t.” “Hobi would kill me if I didn’t go. He’s been dying for a night out and I think after a couple of drinks I’ll loosen up.” “Are you sure? This is pretty risky and the three of us need to be sure that you can keep a secret this big.” Eun Ha nodded although internally she was screaming at herself to run while she still could. (Y/N) gave her shoulder a reassuring squeeze before getting up and sliding on her long trench coat. “We have to hurry.” Between all the planning for this mini escapade, the group’s stress levels were at a new high, but it would all soon be rewarded with body shots & music in their veins.

Once they arrived at the secret location; Hoseok spoke to a blonde man. He had a pretty blank expression on his face and his skin was milky white, from what everyone had commented; he was the one keeping watch for any Guards. Once the blonde man gave the group a clearing they all headed inside. (Y/N) could’ve sworn she felt the host hold his gaze on her but it was soon forgotten when Eun Ha grabbed her hand in excitement, tugging her inside quickly. The area wasn’t exactly a high-end club and there were occasional weird stains on the wall but no one cared. This was their space, a space where numbers & rules did not matter. Hoseok & Eun Ha disappeared into the crowd of bodies leaving Jungkook & (Y/N) to themselves. “Would it be weird if we danced?!” “Yes!” “Oh ok good, I thought I was the only one that felt that way!” “Listen, these parties never end well so let’s meet up at the entrance in an hour and a half ok?!” “Got it!” Jungkook parted ways with (Y/N), making his way towards a table set up with drinks. Tonight he wouldn’t let his lover contact him. As much as he cared for Jimin he came to the conclusion that at least once, he had to live without him in his mind. Tonight was the night. Downing two shots he began to loosen up and moved his way towards the dance floor, managing to join a small dance circle. Jungkook had brought in Hoseok towards the middle of the circle breaking out dance moves and gaining cheers from those outside the center. (Y/N) smiled seeing Jungkook finally enjoying himself, she knew something was wrong with him and she didn’t understand why he wouldn’t tell her but regardless didn’t pressure him into telling the truth. Her hands moved to slide off her long coat letting her favorite outfit show. Some people stared at her & gave her a wink but she wasn’t interested. “You clean up nice!” (Y/N) turned around, confused at the feminine voice that spoke to her. A very petite girl stood behind her, smiling. “Do I know you?” “We haven’t properly spoken but I’m Seo-Yun!” “Oh! Right… thank you?” Truthfully she had no idea who this girl was but she felt very guilty for not being able to hold a proper conversation with someone who seemed to know her. “Don’t be so shy! I know it’s a bit awkward since we really don’t know each other. I just thought I wouldn’t look so lonely if I spoke to you. These parties aren’t what I expected.” “Come here with friends?” “No, I’m here with my brother. You probably met him; he’s the watch at the front door.” “Oh, I see. I don’t really know him that much. Does he study with us too?” “No, he goes somewhere else but usually drops me off and picks me up so you might see him around for a while.” “That’s nice.” “Say, your friend Jungkook… is he really just your friend?” “Why?” “I’m just curious; everyone speaks about the two of you.” “Seems like people can’t mind their own business.” “Sorry, I didn’t mean to pry.” “No no, it’s fine. I’m used to the questions. We’re just friends. Best friends.” “So if I went and asked him to dance….?” “Be my guest. He could use a girl in his life honestly. I’m beginning to think the man is gay.” They both laughed before exchanging goodbyes as Seo-Yun went to find Jungkook. She made her way towards him, slipping her hand into his in order to catch his attention. He quickly drew his hand back, turning around to see who boldly grabbed his hand like that. “Sorry-“ she giggled, “-I didn’t mean to startle you, I thought you were my date.”

Meanwhile on the other side of town sat Jimin at his desk, revising material for his upcoming exams but suddenly he felt his stomach drop; a feeling of dread and uneasiness. But these emotions, these feelings were not his own. They also were not from his “boyfriend”, they were more. These feelings were a combination of both souls screaming to each other in harmony. Jimin threw everything off his desk in an instant and began trying to contact Jungkook. Something was wrong, very wrong. “Are you there? Please answer me. You’re in danger.” No response.

Seo-Yun shamelessly flirted with Jungkook once she formally introduced herself to him desperately trying to get him to open up, “You need a drink! Come on!” “No no, that’s ok I already had a lot to drink.” “Nope, I’m not taking no for an answer!” “Stop this! Whatever it is that you’re doing you need to S T O P! Something doesn’t feel right!” No response. She happily took Jungkook’s hand and pulled him towards the tabled filled with alcohol. Pulling out a hidden bottle below the table she served two shots and had Jungkook his round. “Bottom’s up!” He guided the cool glass towards his lips but the drink was quickly interrupted by (Y/N) coming over and taking it from his hands, “Oh is this for me? Thanks!” She downed the shot in one gulp, “Oh ew that tastes horrible!” “It... was for Jungkook.” Responded Seo-Yun visibly annoyed with (Y/N) however she only responded with a shrug and a smile, leaning up to whisper into Jungkook’s ear “Hobi & Eun Ha left 10 minutes ago, we should probably leave too!” He nodded in agreement and proceeded to say goodbye to his new friend but, that quickly changed when the sound of an ear piercing siren rang through the area. This wasn’t good. Everyone knew what this meant.

Someone tipped off The Elite.

The Guards would be intervening any minute.

Jungkook & (Y/N) stared at the horrifying images playing in front of their very eyes. People screaming out names, searching for exits, crying…running. Bodies would trip and fall onto the filthy ground, getting trampled on by those who ran. Through the music, the pair could hear the bone chilling crunch of the trampling. It was horrifying but neither of them could pull their eyes away. Jungkook tightened his grip on his best friend’s hand, not wanting to lose her in the madness.

30 seconds until The Guards arrive.

(Y/N) felt tears welling up in her eyes; this is not how she wanted it to end. Jungkook felt tears welling up in his eyes; he didn’t want it to end like this. If he were to die, he wanted it to be by the person he loves, the man living in his mind.

10 seconds until The Guards arrive.

Suddenly a firm body crashed into (Y/N), it was the same man that spoke to Hoseok outside of the “club”. No words were exchanged between them, instead, he took her free hand and dragged her (along with Jungkook) to one of the poorly named “sex rooms” that the “club” offered. “There’s a secret exit underneath the bed, you crawl until you see yourself outside! Now go, Run!”

5 seconds.

“Wh-wait what?!”

Time’s up.

“Go!” He shoved both of them into the room. Before the young blonde left he kissed (Y/N)’s cheek and locked the door on his way out. The sound of gunshots and screams were penetrating the two best friends’ minds. With the last bit of energy they had, they managed to enter the secret exit underneath the bed and crawled knowing that their lives depended on it. Slowly the horrifying sounds began to fade until finally, they were out. As the two of them stood up they were hit with the realization of they had just witnessed. Jungkook was desperately trying to hold himself together; if not for his best friend, then for the new love of his life who he had just now learned to appreciate much more. Neither of the two knew how long they stood there in silence with dirty hands and bloody knee’s but, (Y/N) was the first to break the silence. “I didn’t even know his name…” “Don’t….” “He saved us and… and…” She couldn’t continue. Her knee’s dropped on the cold ground beneath her, tears pouring out of her eyes and muffled sobs coming through her hand desperately trying to keep her quiet. Jungkook kneeled down to her level and pulled her into his chest, he had to keep his composure. She needed him.

Back at the now destroyed party, an all too familiar figure walked up to Seo-Yun. “Did you manage to get a picture of them?” she asked. “It was difficult but I’ve got images we can work with. Did he drink it?” “No, the girl got in the way. It doesn’t matter either way if those two are soulmates we will figure it out. No matter who drinks the mix.” “Will we still be able to pick up more soulmates with that mix?” “If one comes into contact with them, then we’ll know. We have to keep a close eye on both of them.”

[atrophiedcompassion]

thoughts of my second viewing of The Last Jedi under the cut. spoilers, of course. this is also the ‘warning’ that will begin reblogging TLJ content, no longer using read more, but still using the tags: the last jedi, star wars tlj. let’s go!

first of all, i read somewhere that is is clearly Adam Diver behind the mirror. now i see it too, the outline is obviously his before the mirror clears and it’s her. why he appears as the image of her parents in the dark side of the Force cave: because he is her parent in the Force. like Snoke says, when darkness rises, so will light, to meet it. so just as Kylo Ren is preparing for his final exam as a dark Force user - killing his father, the Force awakens inside Rey.

also, KR knows the truth about her parents, or rather, as opposed to her, he has already acknowledged it, accepted it. it’s the one thing he keeps teasing. she asks about Han, he retorts with parental figures being her weakness. and so on.

second of all, i think the Force bond was created by Snoke, at least that first time. they obviously think about each other (for different reasons) ever since their first meeting, but what gives away that it’s a third party intervention is the fact that she can see his surroundings, while he cannot. while it’s not him doing it, and obviously not her, it is coming from his side. so it is Snoke after all. however, i think that once the FB is created, they can “patch in” whenever, and that is why it isn’t broken with Snoke’s death. when they communicate the final time, she’s not even that far away, just a mine-length away on a ridge, not across the galaxy.

also, i think that once a FB is created, it is hard to break, especially between strong Force users who also happen to have a particular relationship too. i only now caught that Luke reconnects with the Force and checks in with Leia, who whispers Luke, so they communicate in their own FB. across the galaxy. of their own doing. but it is Luke & Leia, twins, both highly powerful Force users. so, this underlines that a FB can exist, naturally.

same in a way for Rey & Ben/Kylo, both powerful and the yin and yang of the Force. raw power veering towards light/dark with pullings towards the other side. they will bring balance to the force and possibly help create a new type of Force user, outside the narrow scope of both the Jedi and the Sith. even if this time i paid more attention to their gestures, trying to see the Reylo, i just don’t think it is there. there’s no romance, all Rey went for was to try to turn Ben, so the Resistance could gain the ally Luke doesn’t want to be. her first words after the guards are defeated concern the Resistance, asking KR to tell the FO to stop the shooting. as he stares at the dead Snoke, it dawns on her that she may have bet on the wrong player. however, she was never, absolutely never going to give in. she listens to him, listens to him spewing everything he had teased, which he had held against her, and in the end, her only gesture is that of retrieving her ligthsaber. it seems that these people, Luke included, forget time and time again, that you cannot actually see the future. ugh.

however, one thing does jump at me: Rey absconds her FB with Ben/KR from Luke. if Luke doesn’t trust her, and seeing her dive into the darkness and then “cavort” with KR makes him fear her, so he tells her to leave, why is Rey not trusting Luke? Rey trusts Ben/KR to discuss her fears, her dark side cave experience, but not Luke. MAYBE MAYBE just as KR thought he could manipulate Rey to join him, or Snoke did (by stoking KR’s conflict enough to bait her...), she too is playing the FB in order to attract him!? and then, it’s clear that he wants her whole, as a woman not just as a ruling partner, but she only wants him as an ally for the Resistance. that part is clear as i said above, her main concern is the Resistance. her refusal and rebuttal do turn KR mad and everything that happens on Crait is a direct result of him feeling hurt and rejected by Rey. still, he pleads one more time, on his knees, and she shuts the door in his figurative face. LOL. i see no romance here, but maybe not everyone is ready to admit that maybe sweet innocent light side Rey exploited the FB and Ben/KR for her own/the resistance’s benefit. BUT SHE IS GREY JEDI! it works for me.

third of all, their elevator talk gives a lot of what will transpire in the “throne room” away. Kylo never says he has seen Rey turn to Snoke. he clearly says that what he has seen makes him believe that she will join him. which leads me to believe he already plans to kill Snoke & take over and with Rey there he could gain an ally. two birds with one stone.

back to the FB between Luke & Leia. it is clear that they don’t need to see each other, for it to work, however, when Luke projects himself across the galaxy on Crait, it’s clear that only Leia can touch him, as they are touching in a Force Bond. same as Ben/Rey. Leia is probably aware that Luke’s not really there.

the Poe sexism is still jarring. besides his initial comment on Holdo, the “hey lady” is even worse. and even when he finally learns of her plan, he doesn’t like it, calls her a coward. jeez. at first he thought she didn’t have a plan, so that was bad, but now that she has, it’s still bad because it’s not a macho plan, but a feminine, survival based plan. ugh. it’s just awful. and of course, because her plan is a cowardly lady plan, he ups the ante with Finn and Rose and openly communicates Resistance secrets over an non secure comlink... no carefulness at all from Poe, damn it! i mean, he blabs on about the transports even after F&R say they have .. a codebreaker. so not the guy Maz told them about. Maz was very specific in telling them the red plom guy is the only guy she trusts and who could do this, not just the only guy who could do it. so they obvs just got an opportunist who sells them when they get caught. At least Poe seems to understand what he caused.

however, for all the deaths on his hands, Poe gets a mere slap on the wrist and both older women laugh it off, that rascal, i like him. i get the relationship, older women do tend to have a soft spot for young, good looking rapscallions, Leia’s past with Solo being a direct explanation to why she still nurtures Poe.

the whole Canto Bight is still not as good as it could’ve been, and the fathier thing really is awful. it’s not like the animals won’t get recovered in a day or two. but R&F are happy, even if they blew their mission and as far as they know, really screwed the Resistance. way to go. trimmed and without all the funny bits, including BB8, the CB scenes could work better. they did spark interest in the Resistance in some random kids.

yes, the Rose kiss still comes out of nowhere, but i kinda understand why she didn’t allow Finn to die, because it would’ve been pointless.

the Holdo maneuver is sensational. i had to actively concentrate to not give my crying away in the absolutely silent theater. i doubt many people were seeing it again, it was mostly kids and very few people laughed at very few scenes.

now, Mark Hamill having issues with Luke’s portrayal. the guy also grew up with chivalrous, selfless Luke and Luke doing something like thinking of killing his nephew and then getting out of dodge when it backfires seems out of character, of course he wouldn't like his char being a coward. only seems. because TLJ tells us to let go of the past and stop idolizing legends. Luke says it himself.

it is clear that the Luke we know from the OT would have to do something royally awful for him to bail on his sister and bff, the Resistance and allow his absence to give rise to the FO. that Luke would do indeed as he did in TLJ, but only for a massive screw up.

all the things that angered a certain set of fans were actually “poorly” set up in TFA. so, in fact, it is JJ Abrams who is to blame for Luke being away (the opening line of the TFA scroll is that Luke Skywalker has vanished! and in his absence, FO rose), for Rey’s parentage red herring, for Snoke’s all too important character characterization, the latter coming from some of the worst dialog between Han and Leia wrote by none other than JJ. if JJ Abrams wouldn’t have decided to have Luke in exile, maybe TLJ would be a different film. if he didn’t want people to speculate who Rey is, he could’ve been less mysterious when presenting her. she meets BB8 and he tells her he’s on a secret mission. she replies, that she too is a secret! thanks JJ!

so, if Luke is gone for years and his absence leads to FO, it had to be something huge, which i already mentioned in my first TLJ review, feels within character. if Mark Hamill doesn’t like it, he’s just an actor, and the people crafting the story have all the right to write it the way the story demands. which is something awful, otherwise the very Luke we all seem to know wouldn’t have run away. But it is JJ Abrams who wrote that Luke ran away, and let Rian Johnson to come up with the reasons. so there.

what would people want to have happened? if it hadn’t been Luke’s fault, he would’ve stayed to fight. but he had fucked up, seeing in Ben’s future something awful and once more forgetting Yoda’s lessons, that the future cloudy is. Ben/Kylo has all the right to be pissed off, betrayed by his Jedi master. so, Luke has to deal with the consequences of his moment of madness. it feels earned. it feels real. it feels in character! and it’s based on the plot in the movie now everyone seems to have loved LOL.

and finally, do any SW fans care to think that Luke didn’t want to face KR in person so he wouldn’t have to fight him in person, kill him or be killed by him straight? do you not realise that 1. Luke doesn’t want to kill Ben and 2. doesn’t want to damage him with yet another murder of a relative!? the way he confronted him was perfect for saying he was sorry, for extending a hand, and for helping the Resistance escape. thar’s good enough! but no, certain fans are angry they didn’t get a lightsaber v lightsaber fight. wasn’t the awesome throne room fight enough!? guh! some fans are angry no-one says they have a bad feeling about this (altho maybe BB8 says it in the opening scene) and that no-one lost a hand. come on! SW needs to be expanded not tied down to the Skywalker and friends legacy!

overall, i liked it even more than the first time. still the Canto Bight scenes are less than ideally written, but it is passable. best moments: Amylin Holdo’s sacrifice, Luke’s death in a peaceful way, Leia’s self rescue (this time the scene felt more natural. i could pay attention to the Force hand gesture, so it didn’t feel like she wasn’t just supermanning around. ALSO, today is the day she passed away, one year ago. it felt so right to see her in this final powerful performance, it felt so right to see the dedication with the Princess Leia theme too), Rey-Kylo’s final moment, (RK at his lowest, even the dice of the legacy spaceship gone out of his hands, on his literal knees with defeat), and Paige’s sacrifice. i was basically cried out in a need of actual tissues kinda way from the very start.

i just got tickets to see it again on tuesday, LOL.