#like ive been here for 5 months and that guy said nothing

[pxlpanic]

lil rant in the tags

will delete later jsbdjs

ps. didnt know there were max 30 tags wow

[italiantea]

not gonna lie girls the dog club's internal communication is Abysmal

[garbagequeer]

i need like 15 days off work just to do fuck all in my bedroom back at home to recover from the realizations

[onlyjaeyun]

i’ve been following ur writing for some time now and i do have to agree with that anon who said you did CH dirty. you are a very talented writer so it’s just hard to watch.

you started off CH so strong with the lore and little chapters here and there but as it progressed you kind of just got lazy and it shows. when important events happened in the story, they weren’t conveyed through writing but through the texts (ie the riki and yn fight, that was definitely worth a written chapter) and it was honestly disappointing.

the ending isn’t much to say about either. yn and hoon barely go through development after the letter incident and all of a sudden they’re dating and married with a kid like two chapters later?

idk, if it was a mental health issue then i get that but even then you should’ve just gave it a break and thought everything out more. you could do so much better.

thank you for the feedback!

i wanna put you through the progess of a piece of writing from the POV of a writer okay? now keep in mind: i work two jobs, am a fulltime uni student and the daughter of an immigrant household with two parents who still work most of the day just so you know what else i have to deal with, besides my mental health okay?

now, i started off CH strong right? yes. i uploaded on the daily, fine i chose that. a chapter usually takes me around one hour if i actually sit down and focus on nothing but the chapter itself, which includes IG stories, editing, formatting etc. alright

on top of the daily chapters, i constantly replied to 40+ asks a day, a blessing in disguise because no matter how much i enjoy talking to you guys, the pressure does get worse the bigger that number of my inbox becomes, i hope this makes sense

now, i started CH back in october, right when my semester started, thats why i started off strong but as time went on, my assignments and private life got too busy and i guess i felt entitled enough as a writer to skip a few certain chaps and make life a little easier for me by making them regular chapters instead of written ones.

and this is gonna be my main point: i'm not a machine. i wrote a minimum of 5 THOUSAND words per written chapter, MINIMUM. we're talking about a 5-9 THOUSANDED worded chapter EACH WEEK. which usually took me about 6-7 hours, even allnighters.

yes, i chose to do that and maybe my time management wasn't the best but i had to create a compromise where i wouldnt have let you guys wait for over two months which would have resulted in me losing my motivation completely, and yet still focusing on EXAMS. because you know, i'm a fulltime uni student with TWO jobs 😮‍💨

if YOU think i did CH dirty go write an alternative ending yourself but it should be a minimum of 15 chapters including 5 written ones, with at LEAST 9k words each yeah? i wanna see you manage it all, pls prove me wrong snd show me you're better than me i'm genuinely begging bc it might inspire me to do "better" next time.

as a writer/artist/creator, and i can tell you probably arent one yourself or havent been one for long, the longer smth takes to come to an end the worse the pressure becomes which results in a blockage i dont wish upon my worst enemy i'm being deadass. i dealt with some of the worst writer's block ive had since i started writing literally 12 years ago and you're telling me i should have just "taken a break" and do "better"

i never, ever expected anything from anyone but some of you are so entitled to a writer's time and skill it's giving me a headache. maybe you didn't like the timing and writing of the last few chapters of CH and i guess that's unfortunate but this was so unnecessary because you completely dismissed everything else that could have been going on in my life and even belittled my mental health issues like im some fucking AI writing machine

do better, be nicer, write it yourself if you don't like it i'm so fucking over this

if i had gotten out of my own comfort and wellbeing and have actually written another set of written chapters i would have burned myself completely out. ive been in this fandom for not even a year and have already finished FOUR smaus with 50 chapters each, you do NOT get to tell me what i should or could have done better because you dont even give a fuck about me as a person this is just about receiving what YOU think YOURE entitled to but this is MY art and I will do what I see fit even if it's not what was expected of it because i'm a fucking human being with a life before i'm a writer on tumblr

oh, also: i do this for free ㅤ:) just a reminder :) this is my HOBBY :)

and don't you EVER call me lazy again when it comes to writing because i'm not gonna pour my heart and soul into a fic just for you to call me lazy when i literally wrote 50 THOUSAND words for this fucking fic just for the written chapters

goodbye

[pooplyface1423]

Dearest Lovely~

Warnings: word*s#x* idk what else lol

Color

Y/n- pink

Striker orange

Blitz-red

Moxxie-blue

Luna-green

Mille -purple

..............................................................................................

So ever since you were small you and Millie have been great friends no matter what you two became insepraple.

But slowly you lost contact with Millie after she got married started working at I.m.p and all that until you meet Striker.

Sure some might say he's a crappy egotistical imp but that's not how he is with you and some loved ones.

When you too first meet it was at a local bar in the far ends of the wrath ring.

It went somewhat like this

"What's a hot lady doing out here so late?" Said striker sitting next to you

"Oh um nothing much just drinks my date dumped me" You said looking down at your drink

"Oh dear well maybe your getting a way better date now" he said with a cocky smirk

"Oh is that so? Well then what's your name" You said looking at him with a small smile

"Striker and with who do I have the pleasure of drinking with this night " He said trying his best to be polite or some shit

"My name is y/n it's a pleasure to meet you" you said giving a warmer smile

From there you to hit up the night drinking and chatting. Striker didn't seem to bad.He wasn't the tough Assassin you thought he was he was more like your uncle who likes to drink and have normal chats kinda imp

Right of the bat Striker knew he didn't want this to be a one night stand and hopefully thought you felt the same.

Which you did....

After that you guys went on many dates..... Then became official...Soon after you both moved into your house.....And then

The day you found out

After a long week you just wanted to sleep and cuddle with striker but sadly he was away killing people he was told to kill.

how sad you thought

Following up to the next morning you felt sick why? who knows?

*Then you felt REALLY sick you ran to your bathroom and Open the toilet to throw up*

Yucky

You felt soo sick you called striker whom said will be there asap

But before you could imagen it you keeps throwing up

Once he got there he rushed u to the hospital

"Well mrs.L/n it seems that your pregnant" says the doctor

"Oooh wait what- what do You you mean i'm pregnant!?"

"your pregnant that's what the result say"

"Ooh well in that case thanks ma'am" says striker standing up

After leaving and hoping onto the horse he spoke up

"Soo... What should we do?.."

"what do You mean?"

"I-i don't know.. do you want to keep it?"

"I .... Don't know"

"Well which ever option you choose I'll be here f'you okay?"

"yea..thanks"

Riding back around 5 minutes striker speaks up

"I-i honestly would love to start a family with you y/n but really anything you choose is what I choose too"

"mhm well thank you I'll think about it" you said all flustered

"great" he said with a smile creeping up his face

*Oh how he would love to see a mini you or him running around the house

But his job.. it made him question if he could keep you and the kid safe...

I'll think bout it later* he thought

Once home Yall ate dinner and slept throughout the night

Months have passed around 4 1/2 months have passed you thankfully decided to keep the little one.

*Days pass*

You get a call

*mhm who couldn't be* you thought as you picked the phone up

"Hello"

"Hi y/n it's me Millie"

"Oh dear satán! Millie!? It's been so long how have you been"

"oh you know Ive been good doing the usal how bout you?"

"Nothing much is there a reason your calling mill' "

"Um yea I was wondering If we could stay at your place for around a day it's for a trip and since your on the way to the place we're visiting I thought why not catch up with you ....well if it's okay with you"

"Oooh sure how many are coming with ya Mill's"

" just 4 people"

" hope it isn't much of a bother" she says after she notices a small pause

"Okay Millie all have the rooms ready for y'all when are you planning on getting here?"

"in two days well be at your door y/n!"

"Okay I'll be waiting~"

Unbeknownst to you,you never knew about the fight with striker and the gang. You really didn't like to hear about his job so you never asked and he never said anything as if he even knew of your friendship with Millie.

Anyway you quickly started cleaning the house and rooms for your guests.and striker quickly caught on

"what you doin sweetie?"

"nothing much just cleaning up for some guests"

" mhm who we have'n over"

"Some friends of mine there's visiting"

"Ooh that's fine when they comin?"

"tomorrow"

"mhm m'kay I'll wash up for ya "

"haha okay thanks hun" you said finishing the conversation with a kiss onto strikers cheek

..............................................................................................

Time passes

After cleaning everything around your house striker came up to you

"Dollface imma head out real quick to get some stuff done at work i'll finish washing up when I get back"

"Oh um okay don't get to dirty okay sweetheart " you said looking at him

"Don't worry y/n I'll be back asap" he said as he left thru the front door

..............................................................................................

More time passes

..............................................................................................

You changed into a comfy long dress and went onto one of the guest rooms

*Knock knock*

You hear the door as you finish folding some blankets

"In a second" you said quickly putting the blanket down

Once you get to the door you fling it open and there you see Millie

"Mille!"

"Y/n!"

You both say in unison giving each other a big ol hug

"I missed ya mill"

"Same here y/n"

"Oooh introduce me to ur friends"

"Oh yea! This is my lovely husband Moxxie"She said wrapping her arm against his

"um- hi" says Moxxie looking up at You

"Hi i'm y/n your the wonderful husband Millie talks bout right?" You say in a joking manner

"Um-she talks about me like that" he says getting pink in the face his freckles slightly dissapering with all the blushing he has

"haha sometimes but don't worry I'm just pulling your leg" you say slightly laughing

"Oh okay haha atleast it isn't anything bad"

"yea your right bout that!" You say looking over there shoulders and seeing two more guests

"And whom may they be Millie?" You say smiling their way

"Oh yea this is my boss blitz" she said walking up to him with you behind her

"well hello i'm blitz the o is silent and what your name?" He said giving You a firm handshake

"pleasure meeting ya blitz my name is y/n"

"Oh and this is blitz daughter/hell hound"

"Oooh~ and what is her name?"

" You don't deserve to know my name" said luna under her breath

*cough* " what my daughter meant to say is her name is Luna!" Said blitz looking at luna with a small stare (he could never be to mad at prescious luna lol)

"Oh well nice meeting you all come inside let me help y'all with the bags"

"it's fine me and Moxxie will do it right Moxxie?" Said blitz looking at Moxxie

"yea don't worry y/n were grateful enough your letting us stay here" said Millie grabbing a small suitcase

..............................................................................................

Time pass

..............................................................................................

It was time for dinner!

You happily made steak and mashed potatoes

You called out to them

"Oooh y/n the food smells amazing!"

" Well thanks hope y'all enjoy"

While eating and chatting you and Millie get in the topic about your life

"So y/n I remember you said u have a boyfriend right"

"Oh yea"

" So... How's that going for You?"

"it's going pretty well been dating a long while now.."

"ooh sounds nice how does he treat ya?"

"He treats me like a princess Millie I actually think he is the one for me"

"If your think he is and he treats You well then he might be they one"

"yea and idk but we might get married soon..."

"Ooh and why is that!"

"Well....were expecting"

I small silence came from Millie looking at you surprised

"A baby?..." she asked with a surprised look

"Yea...it's been around 5 months haha you can barely notice" you say with a cheery tone

"Omgg!! Congratulations!" Says Millie all excited

After that, Millie and you were talking all about the future baby until....

*Door opening*

"Hey y/n, I'm back! Just et me clean up, and I'll join u gu-, " says Striker, entering ur home then seeing Blitz,Millie, luna, and Moxxie looking at him with shocked eyes

"Um, haha, I'll go clean up. Be right back, " says Striker, speed walking up to your shared room

"Oh okay Hun don't take long!" You say with a small worry on your voice

* Why is he acting wierd?* You think as you see him closing the door

"Haha, is that your boyfriend!?" Says Moxxie looking at you with a shocked expression

"Yea it is why?" You say worriedly

"Um, how do I put this y/n?"says Millie with a worried face

Before Millie could explain why they were so shocked to see Striker he himself came to the table

"So what we having for dinner dear?" He says as if he didn't just come up so quickly just so Millie wouldn't say how they knew him

"Oh yea we're having steak and mashed potatoes!" You say all excited getting up and serving him a plate

In those small 2 minutes, Striker and i.m.p just stare at each other willing to kill each other if you weren't there

But as always before, anything bad could happen. Someone (that being you) came back into the table

"Oooh nice, thanks y/n," says Striker, giving you a warm smile

While eating, Striker speaks to blitz moxxie Luna and Millie

"So we're are y'all headed?" he said, looking attentively at them

"Oh just um to get some important stuff around 2 hours from here," says Millie, being smart enough to make something up on the spot

"Mhm, okay, sounds good," he says, definitely not convinced

But anyway, after dinner, you lead them all to the leaving room so you can clean up and wash the dishes

Meanwhile

"So, um, what do we should do, boss?" Says moxxie in a whisper low enough so only him and blitz could hear it

"Look, I dont want trouble. Most importantly, here y/n is pregnant. I don't want her to get hurt, " says Striker with a serious expression

"So do we! We just wanna make sure we're not going to fight here out of all places, " says Millie with a big amount of anger in her tone

After some light arguing, blitz said

"Okay, how bout this we don't fight for this encounter and any other where y/n is present and we don't tell her about anything we ever did"

"Sounds fine by me" says Striker

"Same here" says m&m

"What ya guys talking bout?" You say walking in with a small basket of cookies

"Mhm, nothing much, dear just bout the future mini me/you," said Striker, looking up at you with a smile

..............................................................................................

Later

.............................................................................................

After eating some cookies and talking more, you all say your goodnight and head to bed

While sleeping, you suddenly wake up thirsty

*some water sounds good right now * You thought as you got out of bed

Getting out of bed as quietly as possible, you head over to the kitchen where you see blitz sitting down on a chair staring blankly at a wall

"Hey blitz" you say in a small whisper

Blitz snapped back into reality so quickly

"..was I bothering you?" You say looking at him with a smile

"No just can't sleep" he says with a small smile

"Why something bothering your mind?" You say with two glasses of water in hand

Sitting down you give him one of the glasses of water

Getting into some small talk, you and blitz start getting into his love life (somehow idk)

"Haha, he just wants to have s*x, and that's all!...nothing else.." He says, confidence slowly fading away as he talks

"Mhm well from what you're saying about stolas, it seems as if both of you seem in love,"

"Ha no that bird only wants s*x and all that"

As the conversation slowly faded

He said his goodnight (again) and left

Soon afterwards you went to bed

..............................................................................................

Next morning

..............................................................................................

Everyone was awake eating breakfast everything was good or so you thought they were silently death staring each other until u spoke then everyone went all happy smiles and stuff u just summed it up to you hallucinating

Afterwards at around 1:30 pm Millie and you were saying your goodbyes slightly teary eyed Millie said

"call me when the baby is born!" She said as she gave you one last big hug before jumping onto the van

" take care Millie! Be careful on ur Journey!" You said waving as striker holded your waist waving too

..............................................................................................

The end

Thx for reading!

[olberic]

ranking anime i’ve watched in 2023:

as expected, here’s this year’s top 10 for how much i personally enjoyed the anime i’ve watched this year. ive watched more than this, but god i watched so many bad ones…. even number 10 sucks but everything else was worse. sad!

as always thank u gifmakers for ur service 🫡 the world would be nothing without u all

10. the legendary hero is dead! (2023)

dont watch this show. it sucks and its bad. hey. come here. hold my hand. now lets just watch and enjoy the OP ok? don't worry about the rest.

9. my daughter left the nest and returned as an s-rank adventurer (2023)

i have to admit this show charmed me. its not the best thing ive ever seen but its nice. comfy. yknow? i haven't finished it but it's enjoyable. can't rank it higher until i finish it

8. sabikui bisco (2022)

if it werent for the positively nonsensical jump in the middle of the show and the way theres just like. a lot of gaps? it’d rank higher. it’s a very cool premise for a show and i like the bisco/milo dynamic, and [SISTER] is fun as hell. it didnt wow me though overall, and while i enjoyed it i was hoping for more.

7. trigun stampede (2023)

im sorry trigun stans i simply didnt love it. i see the appeal i really do but it just didnt hook me. i really liked the animation and the storyline. im intrigued by whatever the fuck is going on with those plants and yall have said theres a tallgirl in the next season? so i’ll keep watching. i just didnt love it

6. that time i got reincarnated as a slime (2019-2021)

in contrast to #7, i can see why this show is weak HOWEVER i just enjoyed it. i like it. huge fan of how much gender the protag has. i love how they get new powers. i enjoy that it can be interpreted as an extremely bisexual show. it was well paced and the slime diaries OVA was a great addition. a lot of the characters really stuck with me too and its like. idk. one of my favourite isekais i guess

5. buddy daddies (2023)

this should rank higher. its so fun. its SO fun. its silly and it doesnt take itself seriously. i laughed in every episode. the dynamic between the guys is great. the dynamics between them and the kid is great. just a really solid show if you can stand the queerbaiting. i dont even care

4. bocchi the rock! (2022)

the bocchi side of tumblr is right this show rules. i like how real bocchi’s social anxiety feels (literally how it felt when i had it). the characters are entertaining, the show’s well done, they even have solid music (which band-based shows dont always do right!). its really funny and its really earnest and its a joy to watch

3. demon slayer: swordsmith village arc (2023)

i included the entertainment district arc in last year’s list so this arc makes the cut. im always late getting around to watch the new stuff and i dont want to read the manga but god DAMN does this show hit different. incredible fight scenes. i loved everything they did for the hashira backstories. i love whatever the fuck is up with genya. it even gave me some akaza to sustain me for the next year or whatever. ik this show gets overhyped but its normal hyped. to me.

2. frieren: beyond journey's end (2023)

oughhh frieren… ive only known this show for a few months but it means to much to me… i dont even wanna talk about it because its so good i just wanna watch it again. go watch frieren if you havent already its anime of the decade. to me

1. gundam: the witch from mercury (2022-2023)

ive never seen a gundam before but i will be watched them after this! what can be said about it that hasnt already been said on this site. the romance storyline is impeccable, the fights are awesome, the moral questions it posed were excellently covered. by the end of the first episode i was speechless. by the end of the last episode i'd cried like 4 times over the course of the show. this thing made me cry to happy birthday. what the fuck

[axcel-lucci]

Secret...?

Trafalgar Law x fem!reader

Part 1, part 2, part 3, part 4, this is part 5, part 6, part 7

The next day, Lucifer woke up really early to go see (y/n) and prepare for teleportation.

"How's my sweet little starling?" Lucifer muttered as he walked up to the bed.

Law looked up at Lucifer with a hum, "you're up and early" he smirked as Lucifer nodded

"How is she...? Is she... Alright?" He asked as Law looked over

He nodded, "yeah. Her vitals are functioning as they should, nothing out of the ordinary."

"How long do you think will take her to heal? I mean it's in her heart and all that..."

"Well..." Law hummed as he thinks for a second, "I'm guessing a week, if she let herself heal, you know... Without any trouble? But it might take another week if she can't help but be confined in bed for so long... I'm already seeing her using her cute eyes to let me get her out of bed..."

"That is so her..." Lucifer chuckled, "why don't you tell your crew to get ready? You guys should be ready as teleportation isn't exactly a thing for humans."

"Oh, I teleport them a lot."

"Oh-ho? What type?"

"When I punish them, they're a little... You know... They love pranks" law chuckled making Lucifer laugh

"You know, I like you already. I don't mind you marrying my daughter... But I don't know about Dice though, he's hard to please..." Lucifer muttered, "imagine it literally took me two decades to court him. But, I'm sure he was just being cautious before agreeing on our first date."

Law smiled softly, "I see.... What do you think would impress him?"

"Let me think..." Lucifer closed his eyes before humming, "he loves (y/n) more than anything... I don't know, actually..."

...

"Are you all ready?" Lucifer muttered as Law nodded

"We are." Law said before pausing, "wait... Wouldn't it be dangerous to transport an unconscious person?"

"Don't worry... I would never harm (y/n)" Lucifer smiled as Law sighed but nodded again.

...

From Lucifer's hands, a book has been summoned.

The book had a dark blue hard cover with gold details that spells out random words, shapes, and numbers. Lots of book marks and feathers on its rather old pages, Lucifer flips through it as he nods and hands the book to Dice who took it and capsulated it into a bubble as he made it go away in a clink.

"Alright..." Lucifer breathes in and closed his eyes, chanting words that aren't even human as his voice starts to glitch and distort with every passing second.

Law looks around and sure enough, the world around them darkens, it's like he's using his "shambles" technique when he first learned how to use it on people.

The place soon brightened and they were now inside a rather big medical room, bigger than the one before, with much more heavy duty equipment only Law dreamed of seeing.

"Alright." Dice hums as he hooked (y/n) up into some of the machines.

One of which is a heart monitor that rates the heart beat as well as determining if the heart is on its "natural" beats per second.

And so far, (y/n)'s heart is beating a bit abnormally due to the stitches in her heart. Though Dice claims it's the heart adjusting and healing itself.

Then, he also hooked (y/n) up with some IV drip so that even if (y/n) sleeps for a month, she'd be perfectly healthy. Well not exactly healthy but healthy enough to not be malnourished.

"There... All done..." Dice smiled as Lucifer had to sit down to deal with the migraine that comes with teleporting a ton of people and a sub, "do you need some water, my love?" Dice smiles as he offered Lucifer a glass of water in which Lucifer smiles and takes said water and drinking it

"Thank you..." He smiled at Dice before dice leaned down to kiss Lucifer's head

"Stay here, I'll get you some warm compress." Dice smiled as Lucifer hummed with a nod, "also... You guys should wait for me in the dining room, I need to tell you guys something." He instructed law

"But where is it...?" Law mumbled as he stared at the window, only to see a winter wonderland outside.

The whole island blanketed under a thick layer of snow, big trees surrounding the whole island, and in the distance, a rather large city can be seen, as well as some factories and well sustained farms.

"Just... Hmm... Maria" Dice called a maid in, "can you please show them to the dining room? I'll be there with them, I just need to take care of Luci..."

"Yes, master..." The maid bowed and turned to Law and the crew, "please follow me."

"Don't worry, Maria will take good care of you." Dice smiled brightly.

The crew walked through the long and wide halls of the... Place?

It looked like a palace on the inside, but the level of things on the outside didn't seem like it.

The maid, named Maria, noticed their concern and confusion, "we are inside one of the Farcia group's manor, this island is also owned by them to manufacture and create various products such as liquor and wine." She explains as she stops in front of double doors, "don't worry... Other than the maids, the butlers, and the masters themselves, there's no one here to harm you. Considering the masters brought you here themselves."

Law hummed as he looked around and saw a rather big painting while Maria was speaking

"Say... What painting is that?" Law asked as soon as Maria stopped talking

"Do you wish to take a look? You could, but do be advised to never touch it, master Dice doesn't like his artworks getting dirty." Maria advised with a nod.

The crew rambled over to see the painting and lo and behold, it was a big family portrait.

Of (y/n), Dice, and Lucifer.

(Y/n) wore some sort of... Suit with a red fur cape, Lucifer wore a black suit with a trench coat on his shoulders, whilst Dice wore a simple suit as well with a furry coat over his shoulders.

All looked equally important and scary, but not as much as (y/n) looked... She was serious, not a trace of any expression... It was making law... Feel stuff he had never felt before.

Like he yearned to see this side, he was curious? Was he intrigued? His interest piqued?

Either way, Law is now more than determined to marry her... To him, she looks like a goddess...

....

Waiting for dice only took about 12 minutes since he had to give Lucifer some tablets and medication as well as a glass of water, considering Lucifer is like a big baby when extremely tired.

As soon as he walked in, all eyes were on him. Expecting him to speak as he walked over to the end of the table where a single chair sits.

The table was big and long, as if it was made specifically for a banquet.

"Alright everyone, listen here..." Dice calls, "I need to know... Are you all alright to staying here until (y/n) heals up entirely? I wish not to hold you all back in your adventures, considering you've had quite the appearance back in Sabaody."

"What appearance?" Bepo mumbled as Dice hummed

"You don't know?" He tilts his head in confusion, "every newspaper company in this world has made a great deal of article regarding the three rookie pirates, monkey D. Luffy, Eusstass Kidd, and finally, Trafalgar Law. Even the steambird has a rather exaggerated headline about it."

"Oh... That..." Law muttered, "but then... If we stay, would (y/n) be able to heal up properly without any repercussions?"

"That is a 90 percent guarantee; remember, we worked on a weak heart. Who knows what could happen. But knowing (y/n), I'm sure a few stitches in the heart is small..." Dice sighed, "and yes... Hopefully, (y/n) would listen and stay herself."

"What...?" Ikkaku mumbled, "so... (Y/n) could die?!"

"Possible... But as both her dad and doctor, I would not let her die. Though I'm sure she'd frown and curse me a few times... But she's always like that." Dice hummed softly, "though... I'm not sure if she'd be happy to know we're in the land where she grew up..."

"Why wouldn't she? She grew up here...?"

"Well... There are things meant to be left in the dark... You can ask her if you want, but... Let's just say there are times (y/n) would lie through her teeth and make it believable. I guess those are one of the many skills I taught her growing up..." Dice muttered.

"What else did you teach her?" Bepo asked innocently

"Mostly on Lucifer, since I've always been in the lab... Lucifer has always been with (y/n). I bet he knows everything about her growing up, considering they think alike and it's scary that they do." Dice shrugs

"Why would that be scary?" Ikkaku asks, tilting her head a bit

"Remember Lucifer being rumoured to have killed and destroyed a whole island all by himself and his own intuition? Yeah... I'm sure (y/n) could do so much more considering they almost think alike, but (y/n)... She doesn't hold back. She never does... If you're in a duel with her, she wouldn't honestly care if you're a friend or foe. As long as you fight against her, it's her against you." Dice sighed, "honestly... What was Luci feeding her...?"

"Just some books she found and asked me about" Lucifer smiled as he walked in, "and don't worry... I never feed her anything that isn't on a human's diet. I mean she did eat sand once... And maybe... Uhm... Drank a few poison... Drugs... Party drugs... Uhm..."

"You... WHAT?!" Dice yelled as he snapped at Lucifer, "WHY THE FUCK SOULD YOU GIVE HER FUCKING DRUGS?! A HUMAN CAN DIE FROM THOSE!!"

"Eh-... Uh..." Lucifer started sweating

"and on top of that, you let her eat sand and drink POISON?! WHAT THE FUCK?!"

"What? What?? Can you blame me?? I have no idea how to raise a HUMAN child!! I was raised drinking poison, eating acid for dinner, smoking blunts, and even... Fucking-- ate drugs like they were candy! How am I supposed to know that humans and demons are no different??" Lucifer said, kind of frustrated at such facts

Dice sighed, frustration clearly etching away at his consciousness; "atleast tell me you didn't teach her how to smoke a blunt..."

Lucifer hummed as he looked away, a clear sign that he did.

Dice slammed a hand on the table causing it to shake, "you let her eat sand, drink POISON, and even gave her drugs... And now you're telling me you TAUGHT HER HOW TO SMOKE A FUCKING BLUNT?!"

"So what?! I didn't know it wasn't normal for humans! I'm not even human! YOU'RE not around much yourself!" Lucifer snapped before sighing, "sorry... It's just... You know... While she's growing up, I researched on a few things... Finding out that human females are the most vulnerable to any type of attack there is... So... I tried to... You know... Make her at least susceptible to some of it... Hopefully the party drugs and poison."

"That doesn't explain you having to give her those. That could've killed her!"

"I- I know... But... What can I do? I know I won't be able to be there for her all her life. And I think her being away for almost five years already told you that. And you know how humans are, they're perceptive as they are slick. You know that yourself, don't you??" Lucifer reasoned as Dice sighed

Dice just dragged Lucifer out of the room to possibly argue with him some more.

And yet they did, arguing just right outside the door.

The crew can hear, of course both were reasonable... But both were also wrong...

Dice was almost never around so Lucifer had to do something he didn't know could kill humans, Lucifer didn't call Dice for help or even ask when he IS around...

Both arguments were reasonable and understandable but... Both were also wrong.

"Do you think... They'll ever make up...?" Bepo asked, "do you think (y/n) would be happy if they didn't?"

"What are you saying, Bepo?? I'm... I'm sure they'll make up." Klione muttered, "and I think (y/n) wouldn't be quite happy either, they both sound good parents... But also pretty messed up"

"They're gang leaders, one is a demon from hell and the other is a mad scientist... And they have a child." Law mutters, "but... I feel like (y/n) still loves her parents... I'm sure of it"

"Captain..."

"I know (y/n) will always love those around her... Even if they hurt her..." Law frowns.

_______

@jadedrrose it's kinda short(?) Cause I'm posting this at exactly 5 am ahhahah haven't slept yet

[transfemlogan]

You are so right about that post you made about sanders sides, the show has lost so much enjoyability and this fandom is so fucking annoying when people voice their criticisms. Being a fan of tss is so miserable

it sure is. why are we still here. theres nothing here 4 us. we are complaining abt the series & fans & were still... here. why are you still here, anon. why are we both still here.

can u guys tell i have been thinking about leaving this fandom for a 2nd time

i know that sounds like a . happy fun time but really i mainly feel pushed out. im blocked by a majority of fans, both here and instagram apparently (and twitter b4 i left), which makes it hard to interact w/ content (not that i am like... WAHH WAHH UNBLOCK ME RIGHT NOW!!!) but. i dont even want to interact w/ content. none of it intrigues me.

i left the 1st time bcuz i had 2 watch my black mutuals get called the n word & have white fans argue w/ me in my inbox.

and now im still seeing that racism. i had my mutual & close friend, chance sankiisides, get a callout post & be pushed out of the fandom because of racist ass fans who dont know shit.

this fandom not only is the most annoying and aggrivating fandom ever, you guys refuse to make anyone who isnt a white queer feel safe.

im still here because, despite all its issues, i adore sanders sides. i still am thinking abt this series constantly. i am still analysing it. despite its newer, terrible writing & mischaracterisation of the characters, i am still watching. despite thomas being the most annoying creator ive ever had 2 witness, i still watch his content. because i still like him and what he makes. because i cant ignore how genuinely happy i get when i watcb his videos. i hate this fucking fandom but i am still here because when i see fans make dumbass theories & new fans come up w/ the same analyses we had as older fans, i am Happy. i think its genuinely such a beautiful thing 2 c how ppl analyse this series.

but like. why am i still Here. why do i have this blog.

i am being attacked for being a ""violent"" person by yt remus fans, while i watch my white mutuals and friends say the same things i do. i am watching my mutuals & friends be friends with the ppl who have said these things about me. i cant interact w/ half of this fandoms content. i am still seeing rampant racism and transphobia and queerphobia within this fandom. i have so many "popular" mutuals & friends who agree w/ my takes & opinions but dont express it because they feel like they cant.

obviously a lot of this is bcuz i have been super mentally ill & suicidal for the past (checks watch) 5 months. which is not a fandom thing, its an irl thing. i moved out of my parents house secretly 2 get away from the abuse i was experiencing. i have to share a room & (help) take care of a child every other week. i go to work as a cashier, a job i did not want but was moved 2, every week & i still dont have fucking money. i am so overwhelmed & stressed out of my goddamn mind.

and i cant even come on here 2 analyse abt sasi, something i love 2 do, w/o being told i am too violent. that i should just leave the fandom bcuz no1 wants me here. & whatever else fuck nonsense i have heard & seen abt myself. obviously people can disagree w/ me but like that is the point of me being here. this isnt a safe place, bcuz you guys do not make it a safe place & i dont think you guys ever Will make it a safe place. bcuz you are all yt queers.

sorry 4 the rlly long ramble i woke up at like 3 am. ill delete this later

[dontcrybecauseitsoverr]

update

Im about to graduate omggg, as usual, no one knows about this tumblr in my life, so that’s cool. Kaylee can know idc lol. But, somethings in  my life just don’t add up. I have a gf who I do love, and adore and all of this, but man our communication sucks, on her end, she just doesn’t text me or snap me for hours sometimes… for no reason lol, but snap score goes up but she doesn’t reply? Hurts a bit, I don’t feel like a priority in her life, she isn’t open with me about things, I have to fight to get answers out of her, and she just doesn’t tell me stuff. We’ve been dating for 5 months! Like what! Lol! I just don’t get it.so like what do i do...were not going to see each other for the entire summer. this is my longest relationship, as yall know they dont go too hot lololol. so many posts on here about gf’s and shit, i would be ruined if anyone found this, but this name is not associated to anything else of mine, unless someone like reverse searched the image, who knows. this is just my thoughts as they are thought of on paper, im sitting here listening to taylor swift, deciding about big things in my life. im going to maine for the summer month and a half or so, either i can have all the sex up there with my ex, a threesome, my bff cas who ive all fucked before lol, so thats funny. BUT, 3 months without her :L i wont even be able to see her at allll her dads a dick. i swear to god if we aren’t able to FT like 1-2 times a week, that is really gonna take a hit. theres no reason to not be able to ft me with airpods in, and all this shit, like come onnnnn do u really not want to talk to me. i just feel like this is going to end up in a text break up, i really dont want it. but shes stuck with me and my quirks and issues for 5 months! thats a long time! so who knows, i want it to work but it just may get so unberable at some point, im gona talk with her tho at least. also i just was reading up about how the brain processes near death experiences, and how wack the gamma rays are or something. and i recalled the time in senior year, when my friend was driving and making a turn into school across a busy road. (two years later a family of 4 got killed in the crash, actually by someone i knew in the dmv auto club, he went to jail, my friends and i did the math on the car crash - guy was going 125 mph when he hit them. 1 girl survived out of the family of 4. terrible) but, a car was really going fast coming towards us, and i thought it was gonna clip us, and i was in the backseat, i swear i had a marvel intro style play in front of my eyes, just flashing through life events, i couldnt even see the car coming per say, just the images that i cared about most in my life. and then we passed...and it was like nothing happened. this got off topic, but so do all my other posts. i just dont know what to do. she failed out of her student teaching this semester, and i felt i was at cause, but i dont think so. she said her mom was very upset with her, after the school stuff, and failing the driving test. but all she does all day is sit and watch tvvvvvv mannnnnn, ive tried so hard to get her to do things, and be productive and get her out of the dorm because i know what that life is like, failing out, and having no prospect, because ive been there so many times. ive been to 4 colleges! and she just doesn’t want to involve me, or just seems like she cares about me. i want it to work, i mean god, what breaking up for a month and a half just for a crazy sex summer? seems like an issue to meee lolol. not really looking forward to maine, but gotta do whatcha gotta do. fucking hell i graduate in 10 days what the hell its taken so many years im just numb to it i feel, everyone else cares way more than i do, and its gonna be a shame to try and express happiness and joy when im more just like thank god lol. anyway thats my late night talk i guess, lol goodnight?

[charscounterattack]

bro i want to die i had my doctor appointment for t checkup and she said i should take a break from t until i lose weight for health reasons i literally just was starting to settle with a literal lifetime of intense self loathing like kill yourself self loathing and was starting to be like yeah im just a big dude my dads like that his familys like that i look fine im just a bigger guy but now im not allowed t and i have to take a weight loss shot like what if i want to be chubby. ive never not been i feel like this isnt possible so whats going to happen? i cant lose it and i die? i fucking kill myself from dysphoria and misery? fuck man. ive cried so much more than ive ever let myself cry over it the weight loss center called me today bc of her referral and she referred for surgery but when we talked she said thats what weight loss centers do if nothing else works and doctors deem it necessary so it felt really backhanded to hear the referrel.i wish i was someone else i can barely think about anything else i dont know why i cant just be myself. the medication will take 5 months just to get to the base dose. no t for 5 months at least. i dont want to be here like this anymore i want to keep doing t theres literally nothing wrong with being fat but it isnt ok when i do it i guess or ill fucking die apparently

[sapphictigress]

Episode i forgot because its been a month

I was listening to teh cut animo & welles album while playing modded MC and my friend @cloudystrwbrry called me gay so i then decided to play some MCSM before i have to go to work

Im love you petra, i will willingly race you anytime

I love the DLC but surprisingly i think this episode is my least favorite?? idk maybe because its something infront of episode 7 which is my ABSOLUTE favorite episode of the DLC

also if thats episode 7 does that mean im playing episode 6? i didnt look at the number and yet i know the Redstone computer one is episode 7.....

I was accidentally nice to torquedawg u-u

"you've got.... a boyyss name......" farewell only youtuber i know not of

Okay but i do think it wouldve been fun if the Host was a Youtuber, wouldve made it very not obvious who the antagonist is because there is only ONE non youtuber a part of the cast

'MMm yes delicious im poisened now i huffed that arrow a little too good' thanks Ivor

The suspicious wink Jesse gives to sparkle pants like damn

When ever Petra speaks im just like Hello Ashley Johnson how are you doing today

also like, The host say the crew running via the window, how did they have time to make the portraits?????????????????????

I do feel bad for lucas this man just gets picked on for no reason

I love the dangangobnronpa portraits though lmao

If we stick together, the killer cant leave to kill somebody without it being obvious who to wittle down! just like- AMONG US (ive been watching Alpharad's mongy monday streams lately so i got the mogus on the brain)

These guys aint slick on private conversations *yelling* LIZZIE PSSSST LIZZIE

"Oh, was I" (upset about inventory poking) She said it so suspiciously like goddamn girl. The voice directing is actually so good for these lines she sounds so caught in her actions rn

WAIT IS THIS GAME WHERE I GOT CALLING SOMEONE PRICKLY FROM (subconsciously) BECAUSE I HAVE A RUDE COWORKER WHO GETS COMPLAINTS ALL THE TIME AND I may or may not have called them prickly to a customer..... this was like 2 months after knowing said coworker. Im much quieter about said opinions to customers now, mostly just apologize for it because nothing is ever going to change uwu (I do not want to work there anymore)

Im just over here gossiping with my friends about these strangers i met 5 minutes ago

Okay but 4 random strangers show up, your 'prickly' friend is dead and 3 of them gossip in a corner while one goes to each clique and asks questions?????? y'all just let this happen?????

Jesse: YO IT OPENS PORTALS!! i mean, just a lucky guess! Jesse you buffoon

Okay but Dan being bored and UBER CURIOUS about the button is hilarious tho

also gendered sentences are soooo stupid it just keeps your brain thinking about a mystery man but like,,, if you use they them for a person you know nothing about WOW your options get so much bigger! and also i feel like it kind of creates a twist where the cast is using he/him pronouns for a masked killer but BUM BUM the killer was a GIRL ALL ALONG!!! idk just seems cheep to me

also again letting Jesse / people from Jesse's crew mess with the crime scene??? like,, Let at least ONE person from the other group in there as a buffer! but i guess thats too logical for a story now isnt it

AND THEN IVOR AND PETRA NOT LETTING ANYONE IN LIKE GUYS IT MAKES Y'ALL LOOK SUSSY AS HELL

Also petra my beloved rushing into the room :333 (about 1 whole minute too late but you know she's doing her best)

Love how Cassie banked on someone having ADHD or just didnt plan to kill anyone yet

ACAB includes Jesse (Like DUDE you're making me mad >:|)

ACAB INCLUDES JESSE

Jesse youre being a bitch

PETRA IM JUST INTERROGATING THE MAN YOU DONT HAVE TO ROUGH HOUSE HIM WHADDA HELL

who let cassie out of their sight

who's working security in this bitch? cause Petra's hanging with me for the interrogation

(also how do i insure Lizzie stays alive? no offense to Dan im just a misandrist /s)

not me cheating and looking it up and realizing she might be doomed already... we'll see

okay but i do like the gag how every scene dan has a new hair color

I hate directional arrows... just dies because i was hitting up because it was forward but technically the arrow was pointing down, my brain cant function with stuff like that :((((

Ivor: I'll watch over lukas *Smacks his ass*

I love her your honor

I like i absolutely love all the small things about petra love knowing she whittles

-Work intermission-

-the next day- (I did in fact look that this is indeed Episode 6)

Cassie was just mining around the location of the portal after she found it and happened upon like 7 zombie spawners all next to eachother and was like Oh yeah.. Its all coming together >:)

Stampy: What are you doing down here?? Didnt we *Just* say we were going in to find cluess for the white pumpkin?? didnt we say that Petra?

Petra: That looks like a Lair door if i ever saw one That looks like a trap door if i ever saw one

"Its not your fault the spiders got him" OOPSIES I SENT HIMN THERE TO HIS DOOM ON POURPUS

okay but Cassie why do you have so many back up winslows??? not healthy!

Jesse i know youre a pig person but dont be rude

Okay yes actually it makes sense that Cassie isnt a youtuber cause she wasnt from this world but also like, think of the fun of a proper twist!

also damn Cassie got them screenshot abilities

"they're all about portals, thats pretty obsessive" YOU'D BE TOO IF YOU COULDNT FIND SHIT TO GET OUT TOO JESSE

OLD FISH TEXTURE MY BELOVED

I dont love you anymore Petra (/s They could Never make me hate you)

Get Danmganronpad Idiot, thats what you get for not liking cats >:(

Honestly surprised Lizzie did all this research that Cassie apparently couldnt do? like you'd think Cassie would've had her hands on those tomes

Girl you're not mentally well

She was doing ye olde pufferfish to calm her nerves

"its not your fault" Dans death was. oopsies!

Remember when endermites were just purple silverfish? i do now!

the smile makes it everything

Also the sand falling into the mite pit just means that Cassie can escape AND I ACTUALLY REMEMBER THE VERY END OF SEASON 2 WHERE I THINK IF YOU STAY IN TOWN SHE SENDS YOU OMINOUS MAIL LMAO

nvm the sand is gone now

A. Winslow doesnt deserve endermite damnation B. nobody is a master of a cat C. you dont deserve an animal companion if you call yourself a "Master"

MINECRAFT SALMON WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE???!

"Advent~ure~" Ivor you silly silly man

[castlebyersafterdark]

ok, on a genuine note, i've been coming here and enjoying the spice level of your blog for several months. obviously youre catering to an audience here, as are other spicy blogs, but i genuinely have to ask - as someone who doesnt seem to have such a high sex drive as you but is still very very into the whole romance and excitement of spicy byler - how do you cope on a daily basis haha

i mean this blog, obv, but you have implied that you as a person outside of spicy byler etc have also this sort of high libido etc. i mean, you've got your man but overall in your life, before him and maybe during dry spells - talking to others here who may relate, too - doesnt it get exhausting lol?

ive been big into romance as part of stories since i was a teen but the sexuality aspect of it, and leaning into that as a need and a drive, exploring that part of myself, is quite new to me. i realise im really not as high libido as many people especially in this fandom. i get that may seem sad to some but really it just feels like im kind of... more in control of what i get to do, especially compared to certain times (of the month lmao) when i am super horny and its literally so tiring when everything reminds you of sex haha

so im just wondering for people with high sex drives, do you ever get exhausted being constantly horny lmao. and how do you focus at work/when other important things need doing lol

all love! just curious. cos its a physical feeling as much as emotional so its not as simple as like... me sating my need for romance by reading or dreaming etc.

Friend, are you calling me a slut?? The AUDACITY! Wellllllll. 😉🤭 JOKING!! SAID WITH LOVE NO WORRIES!!

I feel like this is a perfect example of hmmm to overshare or not to overshare - well, I'm utilizing a cut here so what do we think. Personal insights below:

To be fair - I'm not walking around 24/7 only thinking about either this show or pairing or sex in general hahahaha. Yeah, that would be exhausting and a little crazy! Maybe some do! No shade! It's just very concentrated here - you are spot on. There's a theme and a catered interest here so that's what we all see. Just like I often say about the celebrities we follow on social media - we see about 5% of a life, if that. Same with bloggers!! Why I kind of have been embracing talking about some non-spicy Byler things here too, because I decided not strictly adhering to a very tiny niche of content is more relaxing and if people no longer want to hang out - so be it!! But, yes. This blog does serves as a concentration of that topic.

But it is very true what I've said previously, to speak very frankly here on out on this post - I do have a pretty high sex drive. I'm very open about that! Because in the wake of a world careening towards repression and shame, no thanks. There's nothing wrong with having a healthy relationship with pleasure and sex. It's a major part of my life. Just is. Everyone's different. I cope by not really denying that or feeling ashamed by any of it? Sex and pleasure and love and beauty and happiness. I want to live my life surrounded by good things and those are good things to me.

Having a high libido is - well it's convenient being in a loving long term relationship, thaaaaat's for sure. HA. Yeah 😏 I definitely had fun when I was single/dating around, but I wasn't totally indiscriminate. It wasn't constant. Again, as always, no shade - but I've heard of guys who get body counts in the hundreds per year. To me, that sounds ridiculous and exhausting. But I know that happens! Human sexuality is a spectrum in so many ways. Sex drive is yet another. As long as sex is safe and consensual - hell yeah. Have at it.

Sure there are times when you're struck buy a mood and nothing else occupies your mind. Other things can have the same affects on your day to day as well. Hunger or depression or addiction or obsession can also completely take over the brain the same as a want for pleasure. Is the hyper focus and need healthy? There's the key. Honestly, there's nothing wrong with thinking about sex a lot or being super horny often. But like anything - how is it affecting your life? What is positively fulfilling and what is being neglected? There's also nothing wrong with never or rarely needing / thinking about it, to balance the truth.

On the flip side - the romance, ahhh the romance. Why is it that I'm personally so enamored with fandom? Storytelling and an outlet for my incredibly overactive imagination, yes, but gosh the romance. Hopeless romantic, for sure. But romance for me is also tied up in sex, that's just how it is. I'm someone who liked to have fun, chase a feeling, get off. I've hooked up with strangers. I've fooled around with friends and gone on like it was nothing afterwards. I've done things and fallen desperately head over heels and let it negatively affect me. I had certain things I'd only do with those I had genuine feelings for. ~Romance~ and sex in conjunction. But, this is just how I am. Can't explain it. I'm a physical guy, to some maybe a little over indulgent, but I've grown to have a healthy view. Pleasure and joy and love. All positives for me. I might go so far as to say it would be more exhausting repressing and denying how I truly feel and what I want!

It's all so personal and we can imagine our hypothetical needs and interest bars like the stats screen in something like the sims. Maybe someone's sex drive bar stays green fairly longer or barely budges and someone like me has one that depletes a lot quicker. That's life!!

Unless this was intended to just be a ploy to get me to talk about and detail various sexcapades well..... maybe in the future 🤭🤭

[aamethyst000]

What fckn even? (june 1, 24 - 5:12pm)

Duude. a lot has happend in a short amount of time. first off, Happy Pride Month! second, my childhood friend just moved back home like not even 4-5 months ago and we hung out like once with a group, and once alone. and in that time, i noticed he was odd and i had a little feeling it might have been about me. so ive been making it known that i am, in fact, gay af but that didnt seem to stick because (and i hesitate to even type this out) he still confessed to me. like??? to be fair, we dated once when we were teenagers and that was when i was still straight and cis. This is different now, i'm different now, and i know for damn sure that he is too. i even mentioned to him about my progress to legally change my name and gender. he said it was fine and that doesn't change anything but like, it DOES!!! i told him that if he still feels the same way, then maybe, you're POSSIBLY not as straight you may be? i mentioned that i did not want to force that onto him. cause if he never thought about it before or even looked at others that way, i dont think he has feelings for ME, as he says, he might still see the old me. which kinda bugs me, just a little bit though. This is what i was worried about too. if my attention on him was genuine, just from old habits as teenagers or i do have genuine feeling for him. i was trrying to figure it out when he moved back to his ex girlfriend. clearly, i didnt have it all figured out before he moved back home. i kept imagining myself dating him. the holding hands (this gave me the ick butterflies and a ick after taste in my mouth) kissing him and all thst shtick. i kept getting uncomfortable and it keeps reminding of my relationship of my last ex boyfriend. i didnt like it at all, so i am sure that is my answer to myself and him. i consider him my friend and goddammit i want to keep him around as a friend. i even said to myself, if it happens in the near future, it happens, but other than whats going on now, i dont see him in the same way. i may have to tell him as such too. i dont like it. it makes me nervous that i may lose him like that. which is kind of stupid if i do. i know thats how most of the men here are, im also aware that not all of them are like that. its just difficult to diffrentiate when most of them act aggressivly. anyway, i do not want to keep him waiting any longer than it needs to be. i told him it may take a couple of week because i have a hard time determinatiing my emotions properly. i have to know if its a trauma response or a genuine repsonse. it tends to be hard to tell.

12:23am - i even distract myself from thinking about it too much. i'm trying to get out of my head that if and when i do reject him, i'm not missing out on anything (no offense to him) it's just fears and the ugly voices in my head making me think i'll be alone for the rest of my life. like, so? i can adopt 2 cats, MAYBE a dog (a smol one) and keep up with my hobbies. there is nothing wrong with being alone, however, i am allowed to feel lonely. i keep trying to remind myself of that. i'm doing a lot of thinking with this one and i keep on coming to the same solution. i'm not interested in him, romantically. i just want him as a friend. Poor guy even remember the night we all gathered together for our "reunion class" we all got very fricken drunk and got stupid. i remember parts of it, up until we all head to my best friend's house to chill a bit. i feel so bad about that. it was the one time i let myself go too. not like we didnt do much, just hold hands and sat close. we didnt even kiss. HE EVEN APOLOGISED. i just hate rejecting people in general. not to mention hurting a persons feelers (i know, i am aggressively working on that issue, that kind of thinking go tme into trouble a lot). This whole situation got me so nervous, but im not going to change who i am as a person. i know for a fact that my personal issues and truamas are for me n my therapist to deal with. not for a relationship to magically fix. i dont even know if i am truely interested in being a relationship. i dont seem to miss it. sure, i may complain about it and say i want a girlfriend but the last time i did have a girlfriend, i ended up screwing that up by ghosting her. i know, dick move and so not cool. this was back in 2020 by the way but i still think about it. thinking about actually opening up and letting them see me for who i am makes me nervous as hell. not to mention the thought of sex makes me even more nervous. almost avoidant. its a lot to think about but i avoid thinking about it like the plaque. i just go day by day thinking about something else that is able to distract me. like leagally changing my name and gender. how much money i am saving and what not. anything to not think about me in relationships. just fckn nope. why the fuck is being an adult so goddamn difficult? lmao i hate it and i want to be 7 again, but at the same time, i so do not want to go back, my exsistential crisis was too much for lil me to handle at the time. i remember vividly how much that freaked me out! anyway, i get the feeling that tonight will be a long ass night again, i probably wont go to bed until 4-5am. and i keep on forgetting to take my damn medications too. no matter how much i try (ugh. i felt a sicking feeling in my belly when i wrote that), i have a reminder alert on my calandar, i tried to make it a habit to write it in my journal, and type it out here, but in my personal notes and i still dont take it on time or i miss nearly a week to a few days. its annoying, even for me.

june 28,24 4:31pm - this is me second time trying to fucking type this out. i am planning on tellling him that i do not have any romantic feelings for him. that i do not want to go out with him. not that there is anything wroong with him or me, i just dont want to be in a relationship with him because i am nervous that we both would be falling back to our old habits from our highschool years. im also even more nervous that he may not see me as who i really am, just as much im not seeing with the new and current him.. i dont like it at all. i even told him that i am getting top sugery and getting my name and sex change. he said it didnt matter, but it matters to me! im gay and very much iffy about men (personal trauma from a relaationship and father figure) and that is what i am going to tell him. not gonna lie though, im nercous to lose him as a friend. i just got him back this year, and it is fun to hang out with him. but if it happens, it happens i guess. this is the people pleasing issue that i am going through right now, as a teenager, i would have thought about it for a week then tell them that i have romantic feeling for them and then go out with them. those moments resulted from a game called "truth or dare" from my classmates. they really liked to use it as a dating game. A LOT. it actually got very annoying after a couple of months. it was awful in some months and others were just downright harrasing. anyway, i went on a tangent there, im just trying to get out of that people pleasing bs. old habits really die hard. i hope this goes well for the both of us, i wish the best for him and his children.have a good night/day, readers!~

[r08s]

i asked my friend of aprox 10 years to hang out. it was 11:37 when i send her the message. she was online multiple times on instagram yet nothing. i texted a “?” at 1:20. same thing: active on ig but no reply to me. finally at 4 she responds.

we meet up and i feel just…empty? i know this sounds edgy but for example if i saw her last summer, i would have been so happy and excited and i wouldn’t stop talking. but this time i just looked at her and i wanted to leave, even tho i was the one who invited her… i felt so so numb, she also pointed out my strange behavior but she didnt ask if it was because of her.

honestly the whole day 4 hours spend together seemed like im hanging out with someone who secretly hates me. she didnt say any rude remarks but everything was just odd and i almost passed out at one moment (perhaps this was also because i slept only 5 hours)

we kinda gossiped and talked about guys, we always do this, however it felt so draining? actually i dont think this is the correct word, maybe awkward? we cracked some jokes but i was really forcing myself to smile and laugh, she defo noticed this. i was also just spacing out a couple of times

when we said goodbye, i didnt feel sad as i usually do when we separate. but this time i was just done, relieved and exhausted. and also screw the uber driver who tried to make a conversation with me about stupid teslas

i now really think we’re drifting apart. we had the previous week free and we didnt get to hang out at all… the active on ig and no reply thing happened then too…despite this, she did hang out with two other girls. awesome.

i feel so lonely. ever since i was little i thought that i would grow up in this cool teenager with a huge friend group yet here i am, crying for the 38295th time in the bathroom. i really just want someone i could talk to. someone who replies to me all the time. someone who appreciates me. someone with who i would never be awkward or uncomfortable with. someone who wouldn’t judge me. someone who would jump off a bridge if i also jumped. someone who i’d consider my best friend. someone who’d consider me their best friend. maybe i already met this person and maybe im the problem because of my stupid anxiety and my stupid undiagnosed depression and my stupid attachment issues and my stupid self as a whole.

today i had planned to tell my friend about some of the thing mentioned here but i guess i couldn’t bring myself to do it. she really asked me if something is wrong but i just shut her down.

maybe i will tell her next time. but how? or maybe the real question is when? i mean, ive been the one who mostly began the convos. i really am going to wait for her to just say something.

(today is saturday) not the upcoming week, but the next one it will be my birthday (im celebrating it by visiting paris so it will be no actual party with friends, just family). but i do wonder what she is gonna do then. like, just a hbd text or something more? tbh that “something more” could be even a bday card, i’d be really happy for one. i dont wanna sound selfish but i truly think i deserve something from a friend i’ve known for a whole decade, a friend who i love(d?) so much, i even bought her a gucci perfume so yeah i do deserve something a bit bigger than a one-minute happy bday text. again, it doesnt need to be extravagant, just something to show if she really cares about me, about our friendship. even my classmates, who ive known for only 6 months, are going to make me a surprise.

or maybe im just miserable and lonely. perhaps i shouldnt be spending my bday in paris but rather in a therapy session.

also i need to buy a new mascara since my maybelline sky high has been kind of dry. also as i said, rn im crying and yet the mascara isnt running down my face in the dramatic way as it should be..

[yoonsdoll]

flower - ksy

content : n-i!hoshi x f!reader ; fluff , strangers 2 lovers ; 1.8k words warnings : brief mention of sickness - where you're a florist, and soonyoung (an incredibly cute customer) catches your eye. an : i hope that u enjoy!! ive wanted to write something like this for a while but ive been busy + not proof-read so apologies for any mistakes!

“same customer again..? i swear he comes here every day… what does he need this many flowers for?” you heard your co-worker hum with a little smirk.

the familiar stranger, who without fail purchased flowers daily, has just departed from the flower shop where you worked at, the stupidly handsome guy who always seeks your flower advice, the one who boldly orders custom bouquets exclusively from you. you were the newest florist, the least experienced among your colleagues, so, why did he always choose to talk to you?

“how would i know?” you managed to shrug your shoulders tiredly, offering nothing more but a sigh. “he probably buys flowers for his girlfriend… or maybe girlfriends? i mean… i like flowers too, but what girl wants to receive flowers daily…”

“i wouldn't be surprised, he's a hot ass guy… i’d be all over him too if i had the chance.” your co-worker giggled. “i’m jealous of you, he always comes in and asks you for help, maybe you find him attractive too?”

“yes.. i mean.. no? i don't know. hes cute i guess, but i'm sure he has a girlfriend and is only asking for help cause he needs someone else's opinion on the flowers he gets. to be honest, i don't even know his name.”

it blew your mind how you started working as a florist under three months ago, promising yourself that this job would just be a way to earn money for education. but now its been two weeks since the same nameless guy started visiting the store every day, two weeks since you've actually started to look forward to work. its not like you didn't previously like it, but it definitely made it easier when you started to indulge yourself in delusion, in dreams that contain the same handsome guy coming down to the store to see you daily.

you didn't mean it to end up like this, you told yourself that it was only a coincidence, that he really did just have a girlfriend that he cared for and loved. but you couldn't help and imagine what it would be like to be that lucky girl.

“how could you fall for someone who’s name you don't even know?” your friend hansol asked you when you told him about it.

…but how could you not? seeing all his different outfits - which you’d describe as streetstyle, with oversized pants and cool shirts, occasionally wearing jackets and hoodies - hearing his husky voice in the tiring afternoons, noticing the way he so carefully thought about the choices of flowers he would get, even doing so much as asking for recommendations.

weeks passed and you’ve gotten into a routine of seeing him at this point. you always welcomed him with a “good afternoon” to which he would start to respond with “good afternoon, y/n” after you started wearing your name-tag badge that everyone was usually required to wear, but you never wore due to old people always reading it wrong or mispronouncing it.

but today was different. it was 5:43 pm, and you were going to close soon, yet he still hasn’t arrived.

time passed quickly, before you knew it, it was 6 pm and you just finished helping an elderly lady to walk down the steps of the store. it was now time to close, you couldn't help but feel disappointed. you flipped over the wooden sign on the door that said ‘open’ so that passer-bys wouldn’t walk into the store after hours. you hummed to yourself as you swept away any fallen petals that dropped on the floor, until you heard the bell that always notified you when someone entered. “it's closed..” you mumbled, turning around to face the door.

“i'm a little late huh?” the familiar face spoke, “ah… i should've hurried. something came up and…” his tone quietened as he spoke. “nevermind” he smiled once more, putting his left arm out, which held a cup of coffee that you recognised, a coffee from the expensive café a street away. “i got you coffee.”

“oh. thank you?” the corners of your lips rising into a smile, reaching out for the coffee, your fingers brushing against each other. “do you still need to buy flowers? you do everyday right?” you glanced at the clock on the wall that read 6:04 pm. “i can stay in a bit to help if you’d like” you added.

his expression turned into one of guilt, you could tell he didn't want to keep you in work for any extra time. “no it's okay. actually… i came here to thank you, for always helping me pick the best flowers, the bouquets you make are really beautiful. you have some real talent.” you couldn't help but giggle at the flattery, never really hearing words like these, especially from a guy that you found cute.

“ah… by the way, i’m soonyoung. i don't think i ever introduced myself. i'm sorry, that must be really awkward for you considering i know your name already.” you laughed softly, soonyoung's chuckles quickly following yours.

“its okay, its my fault for not asking previously, i was just nervous,” you quickly admitted, the awkward atmosphere melting away.

“no but seriously, my mother loves the bouquets you make,” he added to his previous statement.

oh. his mother.

suddenly it all hit you. he hasn’t been buying flowers for his girlfriend (or plural - considering at one point you thought he was a player). he has been buying them for his mother like a good son would.

“i feel so stupid oh my god…” you muttered to yourself, unaware of how loud your muttering would be in a completely quiet room.

“whys that?” soonyoung concerningly asks, his head slightly tilted at the sight of your flushed cheeks and embarrassed expression. but his concern quickly changing into a smirk as you stutter trying to let any words leave your lips.

you felt as if the universe was torturing you. the fact that its been weeks since you met this cute stranger but kept your distance because you didn't want to be a homewrecker. and the fact that you were now standing in front of him having to explain the comment you made that you assumed he wouldn't hear.

and worst of them all, having to explain that same comment with his pretty face staring right at you, acting stupid, when in reality you had a feeling that he knew everything.

and know everything he did. in fact, he was even worse than you. ever since he entered the store with hopes to find his sick mother some cute flowers, he couldn't get you off his mind. he told himself everyday that it would be the day he would ask for your number, but always ended up leaving with just a little more knowledge about your favourite flowers and a bouquet that his mother would later put in a glass jar next to her hospital bed. he acted so sweet, he put on his best outfits, he did anything to hint that you should maybe make the first move, but he eventually came to the conclusion that maybe you didn’t find him attractive. he was a mess, telling all his friends about the cute girl that worked at the flower shop, making them hype him up prior to entering the store, yet he never even had the guts to even tell you his name.

but seeing your smile as he entered, seeing you in your cute uniform with your name-tag he assumed you wore for him, seeing how fast you were to come up to him and help him with the selection of flowers he might’ve wanted that day, it all ignited hope within him that maybe he had a chance with you. a chance that you wanted to talk to him just as badly as he did with you, a chance that you counted down the hours till he got to see you just as he did, a chance that there would be something out of this random crush he developed on a late tuesday afternoon a few weeks ago.

“i assumed you were buying these for your girlfriend,” you finally spat out, doing anything to avoid eye contact. his smirk only getting wider, and his cheeks a shade redder.

“you got it all wrong,” he chuckled once more, admiring your sudden shyness. “i wouldn’t be coming to this flower store with the knowledge that such a pretty girl worked here if i did have a girlfriend.” he casually told you as he fixed his jacket.

you looked up at him surprised, your heart beating a little faster at the sudden confession.

“don't act so shocked… why in the world would i need to buy my mother flowers everyday? i like getting her gifts, but her room is filled to the brim at this point… all ‘cause i didn't know how to ask for your number, so i just visited everyday to see you.” soonyoung’s heart now picking up a pace too, his confident expression masking the amount of thoughts he was having in the moment.

his confession ended up leaving you speechless, looking at him with wide eyes and a half-pout, half-smile trying to figure out if he's serious or not.

“your coffee will get cold.” he then pointed out, zipping up his jacket. “i promise to bring you a bouquet next time, with all your favourite flowers in it.” he smiled at you so adoringly as you nodded your head a little in response. “see you y/n!”

soonyoung soon left, leaving you in silence. it took you a few minutes to gather yourself together, remembering the coffee you were still holding in your hand, which was keeping its heat from your warm hands. you lifted the cup to your lips, noticing some writing on the side of it. your eyes quickly shifted to see what it said.

‘please text me. - soonyoung’ with his number written underneath and a cute doodle of a baby tiger next to his name.

that night you opened your phone and typed in his number into your contacts as soon as you got home. you saved his name as soonyoung, but struggled picking an emoji to put, stumped between a flower emoji and a tiger, but eventually coming to the conclusion a white heart would be the cutest. you spent the rest of that night texting him about literally everything, even calling him at some point.

the next day he kept his promise and brang a big bouquet full of your favourite flowers that you always rambled about to the store, with the offer of a date, which of course you would never decline. it didn't take long for you and soonyoung to start seeing each other outside of work. texts ended up in more dates, and dates ended up in promises of regularly seeing each other.

you would've never thought that the cute guy who came in to buy his ‘girlfriend’ flowers would become your boyfriend, your soonyoung. but maybe those weeks full of heartbreak and delusion were really worth it considering you had the privilege to finally call him yours, and he had the privilege to call you his.

[ijustloveharry]

REGULAR REBOUNDS / 2.1k words / fluff

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"You're breaking up with me?" I asked, eyes wide.

Carlos and I had only been together for a couple months, so this was nothing too heartbreaking, but it was definitely unexpected.

"Yeah I just don't feel like we are really clicking, you know?"

No, I don't know.

"Sure. See you around" I rolled my eyes, exiting his car. Who takes a girl on a date and breaks up with her when dropping her off?

I pulled my phone out, scrolling to a contact that hasn't been clicked in awhile.

"Hey" he answered on the first ring

"Hey, you busy?"

"Nope. You and Carl broke up?"

"Carlos - yeah. Ugh, I'll explain more when I get there. You aren't seeing anyone?"

"Nah. Figured it was only time til this ended and I didn't want to leave you hanging." He mocked

"Whatever. I'll be there in 5".

I hung up and drove the couple blocks to Harry's apartment.

Harry was not boyfriend material. The first time we slept together was at a party in my first year, and he made it very clear that he did not date and that wouldn't change. Luckily, I told him I had no interest in dating him either.

Alas, a beautiful friendship was formed. A very hot, sexual friendship, but a friendship nonetheless.

I sent Harry a quick 'here' text before heading up the steps to his house.

"Hey." Harry winked as I sat down on the couch next to him.

"Hey Y/N, sorry to hear about you and Carlos." Niall smiled from the other sofa.

I shrugged, taking Harry's beer from his hand and finishing it off.

"Wasn't that serious anyway" I replied.

"At least you'll be around more" Niall smirked knowingly

"For now" I said, caving from Harry's pout and getting us each a beer from the fridge.

"Liz and Marty are gonna be over in a bit, and I think Ryder was also gonna stop by."

"Itll be nice to see them all." I smiled, handing Harry his beer.

"Yeah well, ya disappear every time you get a boyfriend"

"Conflict of interest to hang with my fuckbuddy and his friends when I start seeing someone. I'd love to stay friends, but I think Harry gets custody of you guys whenever we have to separate."

Niall laughed, feeling his pockets. "Ah, fuck. I'll be back."

He left the room, leaving Harry and I alone in the living room.

"Hi-" I was interrupted by Harry pressing his lips to mine, hand snaking onto my waist.

My eyes fluttered shut as he deepens the kiss, taking my beer bottle and placing it to the side. His hand found my bum and he pulled me into his lap, hands reaching into my hair.

"Whoa, get a room. I was gone for two bloody minutes!" Niall laughed, waving a joint.

I turned from straddling Harry's lap to sitting with my legs draped across, accepting the joint from Niall.

"Thought you didn't smoke?" Harry raised his eyebrows

"Carlos got me into it, surprisingly." I smiled, holding it out for him.

Harry leaned in, taking a hit from my fingers instead of grabbing it himself.

"I'll have to thank him for showing you how to have a little fun"

"Thank him for wasting my time" I mumbled, taking another hit before passing it back to Niall.

"Is that Y/N?"

Ryder's voice could be heard from the living room.

"Hey Ry" I smiled, standing to give him a hug "how have you been?"

"Not bad. I'm happy you're back with Harry! I've missed you."

"We're not together" Harry clarified, pulling me back down onto his lap. "Just fucking"

"Oh whatever. It's quite confusing from an outside view, yeah?"

"Marty and Liz are coming too, grab a beer and siddown bud" Niall said, pulling Ryder onto the couch next to him

"What about Carter?" I asked, noticing someone was missing

"He moved to LA" Harry mumbled "that's why Niall and I are roomies now"

"Whoa. Ive missed a lot." I laughed "Harry will have to fill me in later"

"We will be very busy later" Harry whispered, nipping at my ear

"Oi! I know you lot have been apart for however long but I don't need to keep seeing it" Niall said

"Sorry mate, but if you don't stay elsewhere tonight you're gonna have to hear it too"

"Harry!" I slapped his arm, chuckling at his warning

"You can stay with me" Ryder offered, feigning disgust

"We were gonna go to that karaoke pub off campus later if you wanna come with." Harry said, rubbing my leg

"Sure." I smiled, finishing the last of my beer. "What time were you guys thinking?"

"Whenever Marty gets here, I guess" Niall answered, passing the joint around again

"What's that?" Marty asked, poking his head in the room "I heard my name"

"Y/N!" Liz said, rushing over to give me a hug. "It's been forever"

"Yeah sorry I haven't been around much"

"Are you coming out with us?" Marty asked, hanging his coat

"She is, and we are leaving right now so you should probably put that back on" Harry said, standing to give Liz a hug.

"We have so much catching up to do" Liz said, taking my hand and leading me to walk with her.

"Ask away" I laughed, Liz and I leading the way to the bar.

"What happened with Carlos?"

"He took me on a super romantic date and then told me we 'didn't click' while dropping me off"

"Ouch"

"I mean yeah, getting dumped doesn't feel great" I shrugged "but we weren't together for that long."

"3 months is a decent amount of time" Liz reasoned "it's okay to be bummed"

I shrugged, not sure what to respond.

"Maybe now you and Harry can declare your love for one another" Liz wiggled her eyebrows and lit up a joint

I rolled my eyes, grabbing the joint from her hand "No"

"I didn't know you smoked"

"I'm a changed girl" I grinned

"Changed enough to commit to Harry?"

"Shut up" I laughed, nudging her off the sidewalk "We're just friends"

"Friends who have super passionate sex"

"What makes you qualified to define our sex as passionate?" I raised my eyebrows

Liz shrugs "lucky guess"

"What about you and Marty?"

"What about us?"

"I dunno. How are things?" I asked

"Complicated." Liz answered honestly

"Good complicated or bad complicated?"

"Complicated complicated"

I rolled my eyes and glanced back at the boys, seeing them yards behind us.

"I can't wait to do some shots and sing some karaoke" Liz cheered

"It's been so long since I've been" I smiled, seeing the bar up ahead

"Oh I guess hey? Well, if you're lucky I'll sing a duet with you"

"How romantic"

~~~~~~~~~~

"Two shots of tequila please" I ordered, grinning at Harry

"Ugh, tequila is disgusting"

"I drink to get wasted, not to enjoy the taste" I rolled my eyes, downing both shots

"Hey!"

"You complained, so you didn't get one" I shrugged, walking away from the bar and leaving him to pay

"Y/N! You should sing" Niall called from a little further ahead

"Im definitely not drunk enough yet" I laughed, pointing at the stage "You should go up there"

"Tell ya what, let's go do some shots and sing something together"

"Done deal" I grinned, heading back in the direction I came

"I'll never be able to convince Harry to sing, so at least someone wants to do it with me"

"Actually, he went up a couple weeks ago" Niall said, ordering a round of shots

I raised my eyebrows, glancing around for his curly hair

"Here you go" Niall handed me 3 shot glasses

"Cheers" I squinted, examining the clear liquid

"It's revolting. Get it over with as fast as possible"

I shot back all three, gagging on the last one.

"There you are" Harry said, finding his way to us "You owe me $14"

"You owe me an explanation" I replied, crossing my arms

"I'm gonna go pick a song" I gave Niall a thumbs up as he walked back to the stage

"What's up?" Harry asked, hand finding my waist

"I hear you sung some karaoke when I wasn't even here" I fake pouted "I think this hurts even more than my breakup 3 hours ago"

"Sorry about the breakup" Harry winced "and the karaoke was a huge mistake and never going to happen again"

"Nuh-uh. I can't believe you'd finally do it when I wasn't here!"

"I was trying to impress a girl" Harry mumbled "and it didn't even work. Please drop it"

I raised my eyebrows "So you're not trying to impress me?"

"I don't need to impress you, I can be myself around you. Plus, you'll sleep with me regardless"

"Why do you have to be an asshole when you're being endearing?"

"Just being myself" He grinned, slapping my ass as I left to go sing karaoke

*****

"You were really hot up on stage" Harry mumbled holding my hand as we walked back to his and Niall's house.

"Thanks" I laughed, lighting the joint Niall handed me on our way out of the bar

"I cant believe your BOYFRIEND convinced you to get stoned and I couldn't" Harry pouted, puffing the joint

"Ex-boyfriend, and I couldn't get you to do karaoke so I think we're even." I giggled.

The shots we took post-karaoke were still very much affecting Harry and I both, easily noticed by the way we were zigzagging around the sidewalk.

"Can you believe I let the girl PICK the song and she still didn't leave with me" Harry grumbled "fuckin tease"

"I'd never do that to you" I pouted, stopping to steady myself on his arm. "I feel a little silly"

"You are silly" Harry chuckled, "come on."

Harry squatted down so I could hop on his back

"Weeeee!"

"Oi! Stop kicking your legs or you're gonna knock us both over"

"Sorry" I giggled, holding the joint to his mouth

"So you wanna talk about Carlos?"

"What about him?"

"Are you actually okay? I know that rebounding is kind of our thing, but it happened today so it's okay if you just wanna talk about it"

I hiccuped, trying really hard to focus on his words. Harry must be much less drunk than me to coherently say all those words.

"We were together for like one second and we didn't even sleep together" I confessed, likely due to the liquor

"What?" Harry stopped, turning his head to look at me. "No wonder he broke up with you. How come?"

I shrugged, taking a puff of the joint "might be the liquor talking, but it's never as good as it is with you"

"Yeah?"

"Yeah. I was honestly pretty relieved when he broke up with me. I wasn't expecting it, and I didn't plan to break up with him, but I dunno. I was excited when I realized that meant I got to call you and finally get laid"

"Can I tell you a secret? And this might also be the liquor talking."

"Wha?"

"I called the last girl I hooked up with Y/N. While I was cumming. Yikes"

"Whoa, what?" I said, blaming the butterflies on the alcohol

"Yeah, I was even hanging out with her for awhile and thought it might go somewhere. Then when we finally slept together, I couldn't stop thinking about you the whole time"

Harry stopped, letting go of my legs so they hit the ground. I moaned in protest, leaning on his arm

"I think I'm too drunk to have sex" Harry mumbled

"That's too bad, I was really banking on you doing most of the work"

Harry laughed, finishing off the joint and tossing it in a nearby garbage

"I hate to be like, needy, but can we just go lay in bed and cuddle?" Harry asked sheepishly

"Yes please. This weed is making me extra relaxed"

The rest of the walk to Harry's was short and uneventful. He offered me his jacket and then hung it up when we got inside.

"Hey Y/N?"

"Hm?" I asked, cuddling into him further. The feeling of his body heat and the duvet were consuming in my current state.

"Don't go away this time, yeah?"

"I'm not going anywhere, H. This bed is so comfortable"

"No" he chuckled, pressing a kiss to my forehead "let's just see where this can go"

I sat up, eyeing him curiously

"Harry Edward Styles, are you asking me to be your girlfriend?*

"I hate labels, and I definitely wouldn't want to ask you when I'm this drunk. But you're one of my favourite people, yeah? So... Just stick around for a bit"

"Plus - the killer sex" I mumbled, nuzzling back into his chest

"Plus the killer sex" Harry agreed