#i need to finish at least one project
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I swear I’m going to force myself to finish smoke signals I swear
#I have to#i need to finish at least one project#also I’m sorry for being so absent#I kinda linger and reblog things here and there#but life has been busy#I MISS OUR BABIES THO#smoke signals#vics thoughts
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Kinda want to write a Spock POV post-fal-tor-pan fic where Spock sees Jim and is instantly whammed with the fact that he's in love with him, but still has no idea why or what that means, so he just goes around with a knot of love tangled in his mind, utterly baffled as to why it's there or how to figure it out. He can't ask the kolinahr adepts, because it feels un-vulcan, so instead he's just. confusedly pining the entire time.
Jim smiles sappily at him and Spock's like "My Heart Is Beating Faster. Why Is My Heart Beating Faster. There Is No Cause For My Heart To Be Beating Faster. Do I Have Tachycardia."
Spock, to McCoy: Doctor, is there history of heart disease in my family?
Bones, suspicious: Yes? Why? (already surreptitiously scanning Spock w/ a tricorder)
Spock: I have noticed concerning irregularities in my heart beat. They occur primarily around Admiral Kirk.
Bones, freezing: Repeat that for me, Spock?
Spock: I have noti-
Bones: No, not that, the next bit! Where they happen!
Spock: Ah. Around Admiral Kirk.
[FIVE MINUTES LATER]
Spock, annoyed: Doctor, cease laughing. I fail to understand what part of my medical condition you find so amusing.
Bones, still wheezing with laughter: Don't - don't you worry your little head about it, Spock. You're not sick, that's the important thing. (interrupts himself by laughing again) You'll (wheeze) figure it out eventually.
(Spock, disgruntled, gives up on him and leaves.)
(McCoy keeps laughing for another ten minutes.)
#*sprays myself with water* stop. bad fool. no starting new projects until you have finished at LEAST two old projects#me taking the inherent angst of “post-resurrection memory loss” and saying “but what if we get silly with it”#he's been alive for two blinks and doesn't know what love is but boy howdy is he feeling it#probably to keep the lighter tone we can assume that kirk doesn't actually realize that spock doesn't remember that they were married#he's just like “my husband is alive again!!! <3<3<3”. he is unaware that spock has zero knowledge OR that spock is pining pathetically#so kirk is being Soft and supportive to spock knowing that he needs time to come back to terms with his emotions while spock is ??<3??#kirk thinks that they're on the same page about mending their relationship. while spock has no idea there WAS one Or that he Wants one#spock: jim has invited me to dinner once again. my heartrate increased due to both the invitation and admiral kirk's proximity.#the meaning of this is unclear. i may be ill. i have no desire to limit my interactions with the admiral however. therefore i shall attend.#kirk: i'm going on a date with my husband!!!!! <3<3<3 who is cute and flustered all the time because his mind is a little fuzzy!! <3<3#tos#star trek movies#tsfs#star trek#star trek the original series#star trek the search for spock#james t kirk#spock#spirk#k/s#bones mccoy
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No murdering vyn today okay
VYN IS NOT GOING TO GET MURDERED
I love VYN there is no reason for me to kill him
He's my precious wife
#husband vyn ❤️#I'm really struggling to draw his hair right now 😭#but I'm not going to give up i Need to at least finish one art project for once 😞
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The new W Corp besties
#my art#project moon#limbus company#fanart#lcb yi sang#lcb ryoshu#lcb hong lu#AUAAAAUUGUGHHH I HATE PM SO MUCH (putting up posters of everything w corp up on my walls)#they're so MEAN i HATE them :wail:#also hi i had these doodled for a little bit but decided to finish them instead of going to bed#i dont really like how any of these (except for maybe hong lu) look but at least the wip wont haunt me anymore#every time pm does something with w corp my friends get front row seats to me straight up dying for a little bit#trios of IDs specifically created to torture me:#last w corp cameo left is rodya when will it be her time#SIGHS i miss them all but pm's gonna need to Not sue unions if they want me to redownload their gacha game#anyways surely there's more than clean up agents over at w corp like dont get me wrong i love the flesh janitors but#what else is there i need to know more about my favorite dimensional space existential horror gore trains#sometimes i dream of drawing every single named wcorp agent in one drawing... maybe some day
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Dangerously close to plotting a real Skyrim/Lord of the Rings crossover for after Keeping Count because my secret desire for Leara/Glorfindel has reared its head again
Shhh Don't question it.
#look look now i must explain#the explanation is that leara simply works well with literally every male character I like at least for the most part#anyway#it'd be funny#i wish i could write a leara/astarion fic but i do NOT understand d&d at all alas#I understand lotr/silm on a crazy level so i guess sunshine hero elf it is#this is fine actually#actually what i really need to do is edit and finish my funny Skyrim/hobbit crack fic but that's a ten year old project#no really#I do NOT KNOW i am just having thoughts and i'm sharing them on my blog because it's mine and I can#also i was in the glorfindel/ofc tag on ao3 like five minutes ago and it looks empty and sad#so Leara can fix it#one day there will be more leara ships than there are for hermione granger jk maybe#i should make a list#I am talking out of my hair it is unlikely that i'll ever do anything the fact that keeping count even exists is a bloody miracle#mod post#oc: leara roseblade
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Do any NieYao (or general 3zun) shippers follow me? I've been tossing around the idea of a nieyao fic but I'm getting tripped up by timeline shit because good lord JGY's life is a nightmare... is there anyone who wouldn't mind either:
a) chatting with me about timeline/canon stuff to help me get sorted
b) sending me recs of their favourite nieyao fics 👀 for, uh, strictly research related purposes for sure for sure
#mdzs#nieyao#man i've been wanting to try writing someone nieyao related for ages and finally stumbled across a prompt that intrigues me#but it's always intimidating approaching a character/ship you haven't done before... so much canon to get sorted out in my brain first 😫#i just finished my two Long Fics and i'm waffling between projects right now :( i need something to sink my teeth into#i have a whumpy post-burial mound siege wangxian oneshot that needs a bit more love to get the ending and flow right...#and a meet-in-childhood wangxian fic that's just fun and cute that i really need to return to... since writing that soulmate au this one go#backburnered and i would really like to look at it again#and a very silly different-third-meeting hualian fic but it's a case fic and involves serious plotting before i can do much with it *sigh*#so instead of dealing with any of that i'm chasing this plot bunny instead god help me#when you want to write but nothing feels quite right... at least putting meng yao through a breakdown might be fun#bene speaks#this is me rambling#i will be on a nine hour plane flight soon so i need some ideas to chew over... not that i'll actually have a laptop to write on god save m
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... why he sit like this
#in this position his face is extremely 'cartoon cat' shaped.. like the perfectly round cheeks and little#rounded bump of a snout.. big round eyes. etc. stretched over the arm of a chair like a weirdo#cats#It's still Hot Evil Summer time and I have so much to do so am just aimlessly hopping between various projects but not actually#getting anything done. as usual. Also so so so so tired. I almost fell asleep in the middle of the floor like 3 times today lol#Trying to finish some costume photos and also another poll adventure thing. plus I do really want to do a sculpture sometime#I haven't finished one in a while. Hopefully my tiredness is nothing bad.#Maybe I'm anemic again so that's making me tired. Or maybe it's just a Listless phase. not that I'm ever really THAT productive considering#all of the health problems and etc. always holding me back. but still. I'm not usually 'sleep or just stare at a wall literally all day' ty#e unproductive.. at least not for multiple days in a row so. hmm... Sometimes especially in the summer though I will have periods of time#that are listless like that. I am under low level phyiscal stress for months at a time due to summer heat so I guess it makes sense#that would eventually take a toll. I just have SO MANY THINGS I WANT TO DO!!!!! AAUUGhhh#I also came up with a new idea for a game that is so so cool and I wish I could make it but I have to finish the other one first lol#which I will NEVER do. if I spend all day just sleepy unfocused barely able to do anything#I also really need to sell some clothes and sculptures because I'll probably have to buy a new computer soon so I need money. (plus still#recovering the costs of having to euthanize my other cat.. wehh) There's nothing clearly wrong with it right now but it's getting gradually#slower and there's more weird glitches happening randomly and idk.. just weird things that make me think 'hmm... bad.. possibly.'#ANYWAY... I just have so much to do that I both REALLY want or need to do - so it's perpetually frustrating that I just can't for whatever#reason like. Time is always mving forward. every day I waste is a wasted day. The year is already almost half over. I havent finished#any of the projects I wanted to .. and there's only more and more things to do each day. It's overwhelming and stinky#and thats not even considering having to do all of my tasks also with the background noise of economic inequality. everything increasingly#going into an even scarier political direction. active climate change crisis. pandemic that still exists and is insane to act otherwise. et#etc. HOW am I supposed to solo make two whole games . write 3 book series. finish sculptures. do costumes. make outfits. game videos. make#stable network of social connections. do my little side crafts. take care of myself and cats. pay rent. manage health issues. keep a routin#.try to make some sort of money. go to doctors appointments. handle regular maintenance like cleaning and cooking and self care#and buying new plates when old ones break or etc. make sure to do other things like backup my computer data regularly. do shopping lists.#take care of plants. pursue like 6 different academic interests. do the other side side projects I have for fun (like music or carving avoc#ado pits). eat in a healthy way thats okay for my Special Health Issue diet. exercise so i don't die early. etc. etc. etc. AND all while it#82F in my apartment all the time and I have tiny income and also need to move to another country/climate somehow??? lol......#ANYWAY.. ..very frustrated today over my chronic Tired Sleepy.. time for Cat Photos - which cure all of life's ailments lol
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*You give him a laptop (Patreon)
#Doodles#UT#Handplates#Gaster#W. D. Ghoster#I don't have the time/energy at the moment but gosh does the idea of turning these into fake screenshots appeal to me so much lol#Maybe at some point >:3#These are what a lot of my scratch projects look like btw lol - ''I want to finish this but Not Right Now but I need to it at least exist''#Poof existence lol#Also the fun of this potentially existing someday but not yet: My handwriting keeps some spoilers intact lol#I can't tell how many since I can read my handwriting but there must be some right?#I gave it one go to do the text box over my scribbles and hated it so lol - full version or nothing! Haha#Does make wonder if posting gives it more existence cred? More complacence about not finishing since /a/ version exists?#Thoughts for later lol#Just ike the full version! Lol ♪#Anyway a lot of this was fun to spiral around the thought of if he could actually have a moment of ''I could do my work?? While here????''#Vacation-work spot lol#He complains so often it seems like such a nice gift to give him for all of five minutes lol#And he seems so interested in human technology really makes me wonder how much if any electronics survive the trip down#Or if they're all fried - or get fried falling down lol#There's gotta be a Nokia that made it right something that didn't have to be completely gutted and refurbed haha#But right from the source has to be a tempting offer even if it is a bit behind the times hehe
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i havent held a pencil in months can you tell i got a new favorite character ????
#been waiting for toh to finish b4 i watched it and oh boy i watched it in like 3 sittings then immediately watched it 2 more times#the hyperfixation on this one is painful but at least i can finally feel smth again#hunter is my new muse and ik hes suffered enough but i can tell Projection is coming#toh#the owl house#toh hunter#hunter toh#the owl house hunter#hunter the owl house#hunter noceda#hunter deamonne#hunter wittebane#hunter clawthorne#we as a fandom need to just hyphenate this dudes last names#my art
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ok executive dysfunction is kind of ruining my life actually
#i have an incredibly time-consuming project i NEED to finish and i genuinely don’t know if i can#i’ve started which is good but i’m horrifically behind where i need to be and i’m just so overwhelmed#i technically have enough time to finish it i think? but it’s my final project so i literally cannot miss this deadline#my professor is really cool + likes me but it’s already been so long w/out me bringing it up#and wtf am i supposed to say? yeah. i WANTED to work on it. i just chose not to????? like wtf#it’s just so humiliating and i’m so behind i don’t know wtf i’m gonna do#it’s worse bc it’s an animation and it’s gg related and i really really wanted this to be good and i wanted things to be different this time#kind of funny bc i’m actually mid getting an adhd diagnosis rn but it’s just so fucking awful because i do this constantly#it fucking sucks so much i feel so helpless and i don’t know wtf is wrong with me. i’m so tired of letting everyone down constantly#it’s so bad rn i literally cannot do anything. it’s humiliating like WHY can’t i just be a functional normal person#it fucking SUCKS because i KNOW if i had any self control or work ethic whatsoever i could be really fucking successful but i don’t.#so i won’t be i guess.#and i KNOW it’s tied into a bunch of different stuff too but like gd i DO NOT care i just want to be functional#worst case scenario i have an A in the class so if i completely blow it i’ll at least pass? hopefully?#i might be able to talk my prof into an extended deadline but it’s so embarrassing bc i didn’t need one in the first place.#i have literally no excuses#it just makes me so upset because i just keep doing this over and over and i don’t know how to stop it or how to get better#and LOL sorry for posting this here i just feel weird talking to anyone personally about this (+ currently avoiding responding to messages!)#it’s just like. man if i can’t get a fucking grip i will literally waste my entire life. Oh Well! LOL
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it's so annoying how abbreviations repeat in psychiatry. like when i see "ASD", my first thought is autism spectrum disorder. but noo, in this article it's acute stress disorder
WHYYYY
/lh
#obligatory disclaimer that yes psychiatry has systematic issues but the science is still useful#and i think this falls into psychiatry more than psychology yk. at least the article i was reading#(not me skimming over all the more complex neuroscience parts-)#(i didn't know most of those hormones even existed lmao)#though also it was funny when one time it took me FOREVER to realise that DA meant dopamine >w<#but also yeah i loveee ncbi soooo much#so much free to access good quality neuroscience/psychiatry/psychology related articles :')#oh yeah i need to get back to working on my science project#(doing a short video about neuroscience of adhd >:3)#I'LL FINISH READING ABOUT TRAUMA FIRST THOUGH
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household enemy to the yyh watchthrough number one is the olympics. it's taken us a week to get two episodes into the gamemaster fight
#out of three. please the third episode's what makes it okay im fighting for my life out here#it is NOT for lack of trying on my part but theres only a brief window of time when the olympics is not happening#and as it turns out the watchthrough is Not my mom's first priority (how dare she etc)#i do feel slightly bitter that we've gotten through two eps of band o brothers in the same time#we are fighting for the same timeslots yet somehow the hour long show's gotten a leg up??#you don't have time for a 23 min ep but DO for a 60 min one?? explain the math to me please#idk how to explain the vague feeling of betrayal bc it Does Not make sense Nor matter in the slightest#but cmonnnn we were doing so well. and my little bro's starting up school again soon and my dad's gotta go back to work#sometimes eventually (<- hes on medical leave) and my grandparents are coming over next week We're Losing Time Soon#ughhh if i'd known the olympics were happening (<- somehow completely oblivious to this) i'd have accounted for#my mom getting whisked away by the land of synchronized divers and shot putters and whatever the hell#happens in the summer olympics (<- only pays attention to winter olys)#bc that always happens. and *i* have to go back to school in Some Amount Of Time Im Too Scared To Check (p sure it's late aug though) and#when that happens i'll (hopefully) be stuck across town which means we won't be able to do it any time besides the weekends#and i don't wannaaaaa#i know this is the least important problem anyone's ever had like i get that i know but#it's important to me that they sit down and watch this with me. and watching it pull apart and being#the one who's easily the most invested it makes me look all desperate when i ask them for their time and they can't give it#we can only pull this off neatly in the summer and we were so close and now we're losing it right at the finish line#i don't want life to get in the way of this little bubble i've fought so hard to make y'know#and it's childish and embarrassing and whatever but i just want them to have fun with me with this thing i care about a lot#but i can't do that bc my mom needs to watch the judo matches at Every weight class#even though she's recording a lot of them? i don't understand but whatever i know it's her thing im just moping about it ig#i want it to be as perfect an experience for them as possible and it's slipping away from me#and i don't wanna leave this project unfinished when i start school y'know. sighh#i think they might feel like i only want them around when we're watching stuff. whcih is weird bc that's like#The Singular Way we family bonded literally my whole life so idk why they wouldn't get that when reversed#but either way that IS how i wanna spend time with them. i want them to understand this thing that's become a part of me#and i wanna talk With them about it. and so far it's been fun in a way it's never been before. my mom at least seems to really like it#and i want it to Keep going well bc if we lose momentum im worried they'll start finding it tedious. sighh
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anyway if anyone happens to be wondering leigh you’ve been spam rbing for quite some time now haha do you have an exam or smth tmrw the answer is yes ❤️
#personal#FUCKING CHRISTTTT going to fail it and literally no one but myself to blame had literally the whole day and i just Could Not look at it#there is just way too much going on rn like logically OBVIOUSLY the exam tmrw is what should be taking priority but all day im going oh my#god the homework corrections tonight oh god the exam notecard oh god the homework due tmrw ih god the lab due tuesday morning that we still#haven’t finished the in-person portion of oh god the TWO exams wednesday oh god the lab due thursday morning after my classes wednesday tha#go all day till 9pm and i don’t think we finished that lab’s in person portion either oh god my lab due friday morning that i DEFINITELY#haven’t finished and this isn’t even talking abt the lab REPORTS for all these labs oh god my paper due following wednesday along with#Another exam oh god the scholarship project meetings oh god im definitely going to need to skip band at least once in the next#week i can’t go failing band too of all things like oh my god shut up shut up shut up#also apparently my uncle now wants to commission me to help with his own artwork in the next couple weeks which is cool i guess but i#absolutely do not!! need this rn!!#the engineering chronicles
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(Old mond game talk) I think it would be really interesting if the game were to be designed in mind for the target audience knowing barely anything about old mondstadt beforehand. That being said, the idea of deca being a god shouldn’t immediately be introduced. The player starts off the game thinking the story is just about overthrowing a corrupt government leader, until some offhanded comment is made somewhere about his tyrannical rule lasting “thousands of years”, and the few physical descriptors/appearances of him prior to the final bossfight start off with him looking fairly human but as you get further along he looks less and less normal (glowing hair/eyes, appearance warping and shifting, etc etc)
Oooo that's an interesting idea. My initial concepting + rambling to my gf was rather joke-y actually — I described nb as someone who 'woke up and decided he was gonna kill a god' to avoid subjecting her to an hour of genshin lore before I can get on with describing the game idea :P
Which is to say, it didn't even occur to me the possibility of introducing Deca as anything other than a god? That's an interesting idea. On one hand, you play as nb and nb knows that Deca is a god. On the other hand, we don't necessarily need the audience to know everything nb knows. It may be fun to talk about Deca in such a way that any description of him could also apply to a corrupt government to further draw parallels between the two, and have the audience slowly come to the conclusion of 'oh this is a god'. On the third hand, I wonder if Deca being the God that oversees Mondstadt is such a big part of nb's life and motivation that it's one of the first things you learn about nb and his world, and having the audience figure it out ends up giving an impression of 'this god is no different from a corrupt government'. On the fourth hand, Deca is the government. And a corrupt one at that. And many imperial rules that lasted hundreds of years were legitimized with 'This Person Was Chosen By God'
I suppose it will also depend a bit on the themes the story ends up exploring, but tbh I haven't given that much thought yet, my current focus is the mechanics and the programming.
Saying that I do love the idea of a three phase Deca boss fight with him getting increasingly unhinged in appearence, as it hits you that while he may wear the skin of a human sometimes, he is a god. This is a god you're fighting. Good luck
#carmendeiact2whenplz#but yeah thanks for this idea! Didn't even occur to me but it's Interesting. Will play with it further#the unfortunate thing is i'm really bad at finishing projects. i really hope to stick to this one bc of work reasons but. it's a lot#i've pretty much only got the bare skeleton of a story needed for a general idea of what to program next#the old mond discord definitely was the initial kickoff for this project so def going in the credits if/when I finish this!#esp for everyone's discussion and ideas!#i'm hoping to at one point in the next few months have at least a small mechanics demo of it#like how nb and wispti is controlled and their abilities to get some feedback on that#probably will give more thought to story/story ideas once i get to that stage lol i haven't even thought about the dialogue system#re: the crazy insane list of enemies — yeah so much is gonna get modified and maybe cut. it's brainstorming#most games take years to make and that's with a team ahha I have Ideas but i'm not setting crazy high expectations for the final product#old mond game talk
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What if I exploded? What then?
#this has been my mood for like two weeks now#well actually the las couple months if were being honest#but esp these last couple weeks#im just tired and stressed and anxious as fuck#and now i got a 7pm 3hr exam tonight#AND work tmr cuz LITTERALY no one else was available#so i get to go do poorly on this exam cuz im tired from work this morning and its right through my normal dinner time#and im not able to really eat now cuz im too anxious and i gotta catch the bus in like 15mins#and then come home and basically go straight to bed#so i can work an 8hr shift tmr#aauaaugghhggg#AND i got another exam ill prolly do WORSE on on the 19th#but that ones at 9 so like not much better but id rather that than the 7pm one#and that class has a group project too thats due the same day cuz it was the last day it can be handed in#i also HATE that class so much#im just like fuckim burnt out i think#straight up considering dropping out if i fail again i dont even care anymore#or at least taking a SOLID YEAR off before finishing#cuz christ alive i need a proper fuckin break#anyways i kinda went off here#oopsies!#oh well
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The evil slow creep of it being like "haha these will just be quick little side quests, not much effort at all!" and then noticing each one is getting progressively longer than the last, thus no longer being minimal effort.. auGh....
#The jump of 76 for the first one to 275 for the most recent ghghjb#what can I say.. I am.. The Elaborator.. The Detail Giver..#number six will HAVE to be shorter....!!!!!! !!!!#I fear it's going to look this way but opposite with some of the main character quests. The first character I ever worked on. like their#first quest I added wayy to much information and detail and side options and etc.#Once I got done with all their stuff I was like.... if they're all like this I will NEVER finish.. So then I tried to be very short about#it all. EVERY single interaction cannot have 10 branching dialogue and 5 different endings and blah blah blah.. as much as I wish it could.#Hiring a butler to stand over me all day shouting ''NARROW the scope!!!! REDUCE the options!!! CUT the dialogue!!!'' whilst I sob#and hit backspace on everything once every five minutes#But that means probably the first character I worked on will be very obvious because their quests might have a different#feel than the others and be longer.. I just CAN'T make ALL of them that long. but maybe I could choose one..#Like out of the four characters that will have full quests for them upon release.. maybe I can add another one thats long so at least#TWO of them have weirdly long quests and the one first character doesnt seem so singled out lol#I hear this happens in real life professional games as well (like people complaining that X character doesnt have as much#content in an RPG as some other one does. etc.) so.. perhaps my fears about everyting not being exactlyliterally equal#are not even that worrisome or something that's a major factor. Still lol#It's not really that concerning to me anyways from a 'how will people react to it' perspective (very niche game. hardly anyone#will play it i'd assume. its not like thousands of people shall desscend upon me to criticize even if something was weird like that.#it'd be like. out of the 25 people who ever play it. maybe one of them is like 'yeah it was kinda weird that thosequests were so much#longer than the others. but idk' and that's the extent lol). My concern is more like.. Writing time..#the more I add. the longer it takes for me to finish. So if I keep ednlessly making things forever longer and longer. then it becomes The#Forever Project. which it kind of already is. considering I started it in 2018 and then forgot about it for the most part of 5 years and am#only resuming it now LOL.. I cannot bear to add MORE forever onto that which already is quite Forever-ish#If I wrote everything the ideal way I wish it were then I would either need a full team of writers. or I would finish the game in 2085#so.. alas.. cut cut snip snip..#ANYWAY lol
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