#i need benzos

[autistic-queen]

God I wish someone would give me permission to take benzos or cut myself really. I want to sh but I don't want my friend to suffer because of me and I won't lie that I didn't do it when I did, that's just unfair and I promised I would tell her if I want to sh. But here's the problem - she's mentally unstable just like me : D and she's not okay either. So I just can't burden her anymore. I'm so pathetic, she's trying to help me so bad but I'm feeling worse and worse everyday. I think I have too many meds at home, I keep checking which combination is the most dangerous and how many should I take to log out. I feel like she would be better off without me really. I know I'm important to her but I kinda wish we never met, one person less to worry about my potential suicide.

Sometimes I really want to talk to somebody who's mentally ok just to let it all out but when I have a chance to do that I regret it immediately because they just don't understand me. They can't wrap their head around how fucked up I am, I feel like it's just funny to them when I'm talking about how anxious I am about everything, that I'm so fucking exhausted from all this work, studying, living. I can't even get a full time job or get a driving license BECAUSE I'M SO FUCKING SCARED OF EVERYTHING literally EVERYTHING. I'm trying to do all this adult stuff but I'm just a child, I need help, I can't do this alone

So there's that :)

[beif0ngs]

Hey, in case I don't remember to tell you tomorrow... You've always meant the world to me, Benzo.

[emotional-emotion]

Seinfeld (1989 - 1998) 6.23 The Face Painter

[cursedvida]

" Ok well, maybe I thought about killing him, but I'm the only one allowed to think about killing him, and if you ever think about killing him too, I'll kill you first, but not before making you want to die desperately" —Mae about Noa.

[focsle]

So far the only thing that has helped in my current Insomnia Flare is paradoxically laying in bed in the dark doing nothing and thinking ‘I’m gonna try to stay AWAKE rather than try to SLEEP.’ It doesn’t help in terms of…actually falling asleep (but neither does Trying To Fall Asleep), but what it DOES do is keep me tired and keep me from doom spiraling into increasing wakefulness out of anxiety over not falling asleep like I’m supposed to.

One more…ridiculous little technique in the expansive arsenal I guess.

Also this is a feelings post not a solutions post. Don’t give me solutions. I swear to god I’ve tried it. Different configurations work in different contexts.

[aurieeeeeenyx]

so i need a whole series just following the timeline from ep 7 where everyone was happy

[catylsmental]

Wygląda jakby brał mocniejszy towar. Klony + Xan.

[dissociative-degenerate]

I forgot I cut out caffeine for a reason... now I'm very anxious and wishing I hadn't had a coffee

[autistic-queen]

I fucking relapsed today after being more than a month clean. three times. I cut myself three times and each one I went deeper, even did some multiswipes, I know I have some styros but I think I hit beans too. I didn't eat today. I'm so mad at myself but in the other hand I want to do it for the 4th time today, but I already did proper aftercare and I put gauze on those wounds, so I dont want to rip it off beacuse I don't have another one. I'm so scared to tell my friend, I think I won't

I had really hard day and I tought what if I take 1mg of clonazepam and 0,5mg of xanax I will relax and thoughts about hurting myself will go away but clearly I was wrong. I'm scared that there's no going back from this now, I think I will do it again tomorrow. tomorrow I'm definitely hitting beans

this is so pathetic, I'm such a failure

EDIT: fuck it, I went 4th time and hit beans 💅 I needed like 7 swipes tho bc it was spontaneous and I didn't take my blade 🙄 so I took trymer that has been in use since '64 so your girlie had to put some effort but here I am

I literally couldn't stop cutting, in my mind it's still today so I can say that I cut myself once (I know I did it 4 separate times, but still in one day), and if I had to stop in order to get clean again then I did as much as I could, would do more but I didn't want to wake up my mom

jesus christ what have I become

[medsformyhead]

i really want some opiates and benzos.

[littlebigmouse]

Something about AU Vander telling AU Powder she's "too smart to spend her life in a bar" vs telling AU Ekko (as far as he knows, anyway) that he thinks he'd be "running this place soon" makes the latter almost seem like an insult.

[maxdibert]

It’s a shame wizards invest zero in mental health because, honestly, one citalopram and four sertraline a day, and I’m telling you, no one could ever use Legilimency on you, not in a million years. Plus, no Dementor would be able to sense a single emotion in the area, lol.

[treevore]

i love you deleting posts, the ephemeral nature of things, and ativan

[danandfuckingjonlmao]

3 hours, medium psychological damage, and 1 klonopin later and i can proudly say i made it through that 32 minute video. there is nothing that you can’t achieve in this life 😤💪

[wormfood2001]

[katsy-kitty]

ok I'm gonna be vulnerable for a moment

I'm prescribed Xanax* and while I know it can cause amnesia when taken in too large amounts, what happened yesterday is a bit different

I took one pill in the late evening because I'd only slept for less than 3 hours the night before and wanted to fall sleep earlier and also was feeling anxious. I waited for some time and decided it hadn't done that much of a difference, so I took two more. So, three pills in total - not that much.

Well... I don't really remember going to bed, but:

I woke up in my bed fully clothed - not bad; I sometimes do that even when sober

I left the computer, music, the TV, and the bathroom light on - not THAT hard to imagine; has happened before when sober

I apparently forgot to take my daily evening medication, which is a bit of shame because it improves my sleep quality and also should be taken daily

THERE'S A WHOLE HUGE 1KG PACK OF SALT ON MY DESK IN THE LIVING ROOM

MY BRA IS ON THE KITCHEN COUNTERTOP

THE MILK WAS OUT OF THE FRIDGE EVEN THOUGH I DIDN'T EVEN USE IT (also it was my last one and I doubt it's still good so RIP milk...)

I HAD SOME DRY, USED TEA IN A TEA INFUSER AND NOW IT'S JUST FUCKING ALL OVER THE DISH DRYER AND THE COUNTERTOP FOR SOME REASON

THE MICROWAVE DOOR WAS OPEN BUT I DON'T REMEMBER MICROWAVING ANYTHING (I WOULD have noticed because the light is on in the microwave when the door's open and I have a long corridor leading to the kitchen with the microwave at the end of it - that's how I noticed IN THE MORNING WHEN IT WAS LIGHT, so at night it would be extra visible)

I'd opened a pack of crisps, left one on the countertop and just left the rest OPEN on the countertop without eating almost any of it (I know this one doesn't seem that bad, but I'd never leave crisps wide open because they get stale)

THE SCARY PART: I DON'T REMEMBER ANY OF IT HAPPENING

THANKFULLY, when I checked in the morning, I DIDN'T MAKE ANY TUMBLR POSTS WHILE BEING A ZOMBIE (so all the deranged posts from yesterday are just me)

1.5 year ago, when I was doing reeeaaally badly, I took way more and then went to a birthday party of a person close to me, where I met some of his friends whom I'd only heard about before and had been excited to meet, AND I DON'T REMEMBER ANYTHING ABOUT THAT PARTY OR THE PEOPLE I MET EVEN THOUGH I ACTED AND TALKED NORMALLY AND IT WASN'T APPARENT TO ANYONE THAT I WAS FUNCTIONALLY A FUCKING ZOMBIE. And I cannot ever recover these memories afaik. Do you know how fucking scary it is to not remember what you did the night before? What if I did something reprehensible? What if I was outside and broke the law and got arrested? What if I did something extremely reckless? I DON'T KNOW WHAT KIND OF PERSON I WAS WHEN THIS WAS HAPPENING. I DON'T KNOW IF I WAS MYSELF AND HAD MY NORMAL VALUES AND OPINIONS OR IF I TURN INTO A DIFFERENT KIND OF PERSON. All I know, because someone close to me has told me, is that I am meaner and more egocentric. I DON'T WANT TO BE MEAN

btw for anyone wondering: amnesia IS a legitimate side effect of Xanax and not something specific to me. I'm not sure if all leaflets list it (I'm not in the US), but you can check Wikipedia for more info

*generic Xanax, to be exact, which is the same in effect btw

PS. I don't abuse Xanax anymore and even when I did, it didn't ever any feel-good effects for me; I only used it to numb myself / make myself go to sleep. I don't even see why people use it recreationally (apparently) because if I wasn't extremely anxious, like having a panic attack, it wasn't very helpful or pleasant to take.

All of the above doesn't mean that I am against Xanax. I think it's a great medicine for panic attacks because it (a) works, (b) acts extremely fast for something that's a pill ingested through the mouth.

But it's extremely important that people don't abuse it, and that's why doctors should be responsible when prescribing it and inform patients of the side effects and the harms of abusing it.

Xanax is also very addictive and the addiction is hard to break (not from personal experience this time). And abusing it can lead to long-lasting (I'm not saying "permanent") cognitive impairment even once you've stopped taking it.