#i miss my old friends lol
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/ 🧚🏻♀️/
#i miss my old friends lol#looking through my old tags is always a trip#feeling very nostalgic & conflicted#shout out to my past self for acting like such a bitch & blowing up my entire life#i love life and i love my bf but i loved my friends too#pretty much every friendship I've had i fucked up by ghosting them and regretting it#or just lashing out and making an ass of myself#story of my life WHAT A COPING MECHANISM#social interaction & rejection terrify me~#i'm gonna die overthinking reaching out before i get around to doing anything#sav after dark#personal#text
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O you, who at the world's far-off end dwell,
I know your wish- it is my wish as well.
#ephemer#khux#khml#kingdom hearts#kh#missing link#kingdom hearts union x#kingdom hearts missing link#kh ephemer#thinking about... how among the people in scala he's this legendary figure#but from a personal point of view he was simply someone riddled with grief#he founded a new world but he did so alone when he should have been with all his friends...#mine: kh#my art#so time may or may not have gotten away from me... i started this drawing in July. lol#the caption is part of old verse 2 from pokémon legends arceus#the entirety of which is absolutely perfect for ephemer but would be too long#i'll just write it in tags here:#'o you; who at the world's far-off ends dwell; i know your wish- it is my wish as well.#my own beloved is now gone from me; departed to a place i cannot reach.#my old companions have left me behind; their faces faded into days gone by.#still to my breast i clutch this hopeless dream; a futile wish for us once more to meet.#oh you; who at the world's far-off end dwell; i know your wish- it is my wish as well.#but ours are cold and endless winter days; warmed only by memories locked away.'#[minor edit: fixed the color of the lines on his shirt!]#[i am so proud of this one you don’t understand]
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like it makes sense to make an adult book since p much any fan of gravity falls is an adult now but man I'm surprised Disney greenlit it
I'm also shocked Alex worked with Disney again at all lol
#i did betray my principals and immediately preorder it lol#its very funny that barnes and noble will give you free shipping if you hit the threshold even if one thing wont ship for half a year#mary blabs#gravity falls#hello old friend i missed you
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SOCIETY KEEPS KILLING ONE OF THEM BCS THEIR FRIENDSHIP WOULD BE INCAPABLE FOR GALAXIES TO HANDLE !!!!!
#theyre actually the same height but cliffjumper's pedes are made for climbing leaping causing pain to others#so he has spikes that sheath and unsheath from the soles and he keeps them out pretty much all the time which gives him height#fuzzy fat bumblebee and ANT#cliffjumper#i want cliffjumper sounds just like Miss SecondOpinionson but monotone & says everything like it's a fact#he keeps a permanent judgemental and suspicious expression and will tell you all of his surface level judgement of u#which js A Lot as he is Very observant and skeptical of Everything#mirage loves him bcs he doesnt play nice. he tells u how he sees it when he sees it#meanwhile bee is mewing from the amount of hatred secretly boiling inside him & is constantly changing himself for others#when they have time to reunite as old best friends .. the girlies have fun which means cliff is smiling for once & bee is not#everybody feels bad for bee when they see this bcs they think cliff is boring him or something & ruining his good mood#but actually bee is having the time of his life venting finally abt all his 'mean thoughts' which are just His thoughts but he cant say that#and cliff loves violence & is uncomfortable with social etiquette upkeep so of course hes indulging#i need the world to stop pitting my girlbosses against each other like just get creative with their designs lol#characters can have depth without merging personalities together into 1 and killing off the other half to cover up ur stealing lol#bee def has anger issues too but it's an after effect from his overthinking backfiring#while cliff has anger issues that flares b4 actions due to not wanting to think in favor of pure Doing#i think they are lovely foils which should be explored and can be done rlly interestingly if they were friends#who keep getting pit against each other by life but refuse to lose that friendship .. it's just a little cracked now.. & keeps cracking#bumblebee#transformers#maccadam
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The feminine urge to do 60s/70s groupie style photoshoots
#first i need to clean my room so i can pose on the couch and in front of the mirror etc#and i need to go through my closet because i'm sure there are a couple things i can style the right way from 2018/2019 ish#but i have so many clothes i gotta wash the ones in the back first#also i need to get blue eyeshadow and go-go boots so bad#i have so many ideas i have a VISION i can't wait to realize it#i've lowkey wanted to do this for like 5 years but now i highkey want to do it and i'm old enough for it to not seem weird if i post it lol#every time miss pamela announces an event somewhere in america i wish i could teleport soooo madly 💔💔 pls bring the tour to europe 🙏🏻#i was told by a friend that she pictures me as bebe buell in her head 3 years ago i was literally born to be a 70s groupie 😭 let me out#mel talks
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what am i doing? oh you know... wallowing in nostalgia, mourning the past, experiencing overwhelming heartache, etc. etc.
#this is why i shouldn't stay up late looking at old Instagram posts smh#i miss my friends#help my heart is so heavy#i really wish i was me back then#eeeessh help#idk what to tag lol#nostalgia#greif#greiving
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#art#traditional art#watercolour#fanart#virvox project#shirakami kotarou#kurono takehiro#vocal synth#voicevox#another one based off the memories of some post i saw a while back. i was like possessed. to redraw vsynth characters in popular posts#also low key this was what it was like being 22 in university classes full of 18-19 year olds for a bit there LHJSKHJFSDAjdfs#THEY WERE nicer about it. but sometimes they would find out my age and i could see the 'grown ass' flicker across their eyes#especially when they topic of discussion was shit like sororities and me not knowing shit about it. in my defence i was 1) confused about#'greek life' for a while because i am mixed race and kind of ambiguous irl so i just assumed it was a like a cultural based society thing#(we have a lot of those in my school its very multicultural) and they made an incorrect guess about my ethnicity again and 2) when I DID#finally figure out what the hell 'greek life' was supposed to be i signed up cause a friend asked me to but i missed the first day of#orientation cause i was sick and then the sororities started sending really passive agressive emails to me so i got scared off LOL#random sorority sidetrack aside. it was really funny when i was like yeah i dont really understand the whole deal#and a classmate was like oh well yeah i guess you wouldnt have the experience how old are you again like 18?#and i was like........................................................i turned 23 a month ago <:3c#and her face journey as she realized i was like 3-4 years older than her.... my apologies my dearest classmate#sowwy for being in my early 20s. it wont happen again <3
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just got a notification from my phone calendar saying "It's almost alfo's birthday, do you want to plan something?"
#uhhh first of all i haven't spoken to her in 7 years. :(( second... she lives in Chile. so no...#i do hope she's doing well though. :(#once i guessed the song that was in her head with no clues#(the song popped into my head after she told me to guess) and we were both like 'WHAT'#she told me we were twin flames. i didn't know what that meant but i believed it.#we used to watch movies on rabb.it and she would complain about her mom. and i would tell her everything would be okay.#and she went on a trip once where she wouldn't have wifi and had her friend Tomas keep up our snapchat streak...#anyway thank you phone for making me sad i miss you alfonsina.#fuck now i'm thinking about old friends who don't love me anymore...#alfo and emilie and w and kiwi. ahhh kiwi...#the first person to ever have a crush on me!!!#that was amazing man#kiwi and their friend maggie tried to help me make a plan for getting away from home back then. it never worked. but it was nice of them#i still have asks from both of them in my inbox : ( sigh#emilie was nice until my life fell apart and then decided i wasn't worth talking to anymore (because i wasn't dming her about my problems?)#and w and i weren't super close but we were friends for a while. did a big bang together!#and there are a dozen others who've slipped away. lol...#anyway sorry but google assistant hath just wrecked me with a simple notification. and i don't even have them turned on... :((#diaerie
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[the better reality | nms apollo & traveller]
At the center of the galaxy, you are left holding the cinderblock-heavy truth of the world you live in. The enormity of it all sits almost demurely in its place on your exosuit, that little red starseed and its cosmic significance.
Sixteen minutes. Always, sixteen.
Of course, Nada only hushes you when you try to speak about what you’ve seen. They stretch their palm outwards as you rush to inform them, sweeping away your words before they come. They are afraid — you know they’re afraid — to lose their haven to realization. Of course, despite everything, even though they have severed themselves from their people, they are still Korvax: they still fear the Atlas they reject so fiercely. You can’t bring yourself to shatter anxious Nada’s naivety.
You still find it in yourself to feel stung.
Still, though, they can see the anguish in the lines of your posture (Why won’t you listen? Why won’t you hear me? How could you leave me alone with this?), and they have never lost their kindness. Nada’s fingertips light gently on your shoulders, and when they draw you into an embrace, you return it twice as fiercely.
Polo squeezes your hand as you pass them.
“Nada fears, Traveller-Friend. Some things are best left unexplored.”
(TRAVELLER, the Atlas had said — had pleaded.)
You miss Apollo so terribly.
Sometimes you dream of a better reality: one where the world had yawned wide as you came out of the portal, and your friend was there to greet you.
Getting the details right can be tricky. You know what Apollo sounds like, sharp, sometimes guttural, mechanical and harsh at first blush. You know that standing beside them would suffuse you in subtle golden light, that it would play off the starsilk strands and fine leather of your suit. The details get sketchier and ruin the picture if you dwell too much, and so you try not to linger too much on any one point. Broad strokes.
They are bigger than you are, you remember from the tower transmissions; they are built sturdily, like industrial equipment, like a blunt force weapon. They get testy when you poke fun at it — “I don’t make fun of you for being soft, do I?” — and you know that this body is not necessarily theirs by choice. There had been grudges involved, and vengeance quests, and altogether you can understand why they choose to walk as a lone iteration entirely, free of the wistful togetherness of the Space Anomaly’s menagerie. Such tenderness doesn't suit them.
But Apollo could bludgeon you into an entirely new iteration, and Apollo chooses not to. That is how things go, in the reality where you break through to one another. The two of you cut a wonderful contrast walking worlds together. The gear you have chosen means that beside their simplicity, you are all tritium-hydraulic agility and solar-vitrified stealth, and they snipe at you over comms because they are made for steady distance and could never keep up with your gimmicks.
“Somehow Artemis was never half as much trouble as you are,” they tell you, with their strange blend of indifference and annoyance over-top a curious attachment.
“With Artemis, we really would have been unstoppable.” The thought slips out unbidden, and you pick at the enameling adorning your right pauldron as if to distract, or to mollify.
“… Yes,” Apollo says, a reply you don’t expect. Their tone is thoughtful, but not closed off, and you realize you’ve earned the rare right to their emotional input, such as it is. “We would have.”
In this reality, the pressing loneliness of all the world before you abates with your friend at your shoulder. Apollo is not necessarily talkative — in fact, without you there to prompt them, you think they might go days without a single flare of vocal activity — but their heavy tread at your heels and their ruthless haggling at trade stations compress the frightening vastness of it all into something uniquely enticing.
(The weight of the last sixteen minutes rests lighter on your shoulders, knowing that they, too, understand. They take the news of the galaxy’s infinite end steadily, a steel-stubborn levee refusing to succumb to the waves of despair that had submerged you before.)
(“Well, we all have to die sometime,” they had told you, rolling prism-studded shoulders. “And what time will be more interesting than this?”)
(They hear you, they listen, and they are not afraid.)
(In this other reality, they choose to do what no one else does: to accompany you. To understand.)
(And you know fully by now that those other iterations are just as real as you.)
(So just knowing that, you think, alone in your ship with your face to the stars — just knowing soothes the sting.)
Sometimes you dream of a better reality.
In it, all the world lies before you, and Apollo is at your back, and beneath the tint of your helmet, your eyes are wide and wonderstruck.
#hello i am playing nms again!! it has been a hot second!#this one is a little strange tbh. i hail from the y/n side of fandom and i have never quite lost my fondness for 2nd person fic#i dont know if i ever shared this out outside th friends i inflicted it on but it is from sept 2023 when i missed my friend apollo SO bad#i am getting caught up still ! so if any of this feels a little extra incongrous that may be why lol. out of date ykwim#no man's sky#nms apollo#no man's sky fanfic#nms traveller#anyway this is very much an old crosspost placeholder to go HEY i'm alive ! shout out glass server nation u guys r lots of fun (<- lurker)#shoot dude did i say sept. nah double checking its from FEB when i missed apollo so so bad . its even older than i thought#dire ..
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pompeii bastille fills me with such longing for days that are long gone
#been thinking about that poem 'it all seems very mundane' so much lately#god add ed sheeran castle on the hill i hadnt listened to that one in a while. ourgh#euughh emotions…. yuck#if any of my classmates are reading this by chance i wish i could go to the reunion so bad but im poor lol#i love u all so much i hope life is treating u all well#i miss the view from my dads old apartment. i miss snow. i miss running to catch the train home from school#i miss walking home late at night from downtown burbank. i miss the way the light from the streetlights fell on our floor#i miss staying up late in the livingroom and hearing my moms snoring. i miss sleepovers with friends#i miss late night drives with my mom with no destination. i miss long walks with my dad and brother#i miss going to my grandmas for a warm homemade meal#and i guess soon enough ill miss this too
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kicking my feet and giggling thinking about vector spaces
#ok mostly this was yesterday. i meant to post this yesterday and forgot#and it was a more specific thing than JUST vector spaces#but im always afraid if i post too much about [specific math specialty] on here i'll accidentally doxx myself lol#i mean PROBABLY not. but you never know#i got nerd sniped the other day#my friend sent me a minecraft video where some streamers were doing math#and idk if she knew or not but it was specifically math thats right in my wheelhouse#which apparently ive missed!#it doesnt come up much in entry level stuff for [field im trying to get a job in]#ended up getting one of my old textbooks out to read about something we didnt cover in my uni classes :)#math#numbers do not lie
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i hope y'all have a wonderful friday <3
#gonna meet up with some of my old work besties#i've missed them so much#i realized i haven't hung out with any friends in over a month and i'm kinda going stir crazy#i need to talk to someone who is not a family member lol
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The visceral and hungering loneliness is back. You know what that means! Bedtime
#😴😴😴😴#sweet dreams hehehe I’m sure I will feel better in the morning#🤞#but jokes aside like. I’m okay I think I’m just moody bc it’s late at night and I’m overthinking. the usual#I do really miss my friends and family#and feeling that old but always recurring longing for new friends#I’m slowly befriending people in my music classes and slowly joining some clubs as well soooo we’ll see#idk I also just see all of my mutuals being friendly with each other and I yearn for it so so deeply#kinda silly but I just like to share interests with people#and have a Space together if that makes sense#anyway I know I could just like reach out to people but I’m nervous lol#probably more embarrassing to post publicly about it like 1-3 times a month lol#but it feels impersonal this way like I’m writing in a diary or something#speaking of which. I need to start working on my diary again LOL#I kept one for all of two days a little over a month ago#and then I forgot it one night and refused to keep working on it bc I ‘messed it up’ by forgetting#aaaaah anyway goodnight ❤️#this ramble was maybe a bit too personal but I’ve posted worse shit I think lol#may or may not delete in the morning#sweet dreams! :)#wackyposting
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and when i live on my own ill be able to decorate like real life decorate ive never gotten to do that in real life b4
#like im not barred from doing it Nd i do like. a little bit kind of but its like. Idk my entire life is a very transient thing and im rly#rly rly not used to being in one place for a long time so as a kid we never rly decorated ever#and like obv i wont be Owning a house or anything like that so itll still have to be moveable but i can like. but furniture that i like and#stuff... ive never gotten to do that b4 even in um. wa. i didnt rly get to do any of the decorating even when i was in the actual house bc#him and the roommates umm. did all that. Okay well now ive sort of freaked it by making myself think of that so im going to go stare#longingly at the floorplan i did#bc umm. well ideally id like to move into one of the apartments thats right across the way bc theres a couple of apt buildings like right#there 5 min walk tops and one of the places Has an open one but no floorplan#i wont be movjng out for ages i just wanted to look at floorplans yk#but like i said no floorplans BUT theres one a bit further away not rly walkable bc its umm#youd have to walk on the interstate and stuff and um. no sidewalk and everything but theeeeeeeeee thing had a floorplan#still very close by like 2 min drive but yk. but i still did my little mockup floorplan with that apartment instead#i want it to be closeby so everybody can come visit and so that i dont die and explode . i dont rly want to continue living in this town#4ever once km like Normal and have savings and ive got everything worked out i wanna maybe move to chicago or something since il is better#for the transgenderisms. + ive always wanted to try living in a big city at least once and i think itd be awesome#but thats Ages and ages away like maybe 5 years depending on how good i am. weeee will see if 5 years in the future is like on the table 4#me LOLLLL 24 year old connor seems rly crazy to imagine. but anyways....#but itll be nice to move out and still be in town bc then i can have the same job yk . and maybe ill know how to drive atp and i can like .#buy a car ..or something . if i do know how to drive#which i probably should since this town very car dependent and i dont want my mom to have to drive me to work esp if umm. i dont live with#them ... im just rly rly rly rly rly fucking scared of driving but i know also in my heart that when i do know how to drive the bond between#me and that car will be crazyyyy like. idk how many of you followed me last year but you may remember my insane bond with angel my cart from#work and there was a lot gokng on woth that <- was Very delusional at the time and i was convinced that she was a sentient thing and had the#power to make my life better or worse if i upset her so i said good morning and goodnight to her every single day so that i could have a#good day . looking back on it probably was something to be concerned abt but whatever.... she is still my best friend and i do miss her#deeply#her bathtub and heater were my besttt friends when i was in wa LOL. i was quite unwell#bathtub is still in my room tho yayyy. heater lives with lamp now and angel is of course at my old job....#bathtub currently is holding a project i gave up on. everyone say thank.you bathtub im looking at her right now
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Baby boy brother birthday photos from last year that I just realized I never uploaded!
#cats#also hopefully it's not weird to still post photos of George (the brown cat) even after his death a little while ago. I just have so many#beautiful old pictures of him that I still love but just never had the time to sort through or upload (my cat photos folder on my#computer had like 450 pictures in it or something lol... SO many). I feel like it's kind of just honoring or appreciating him#and not actually strange or anything. like what am I supposed to do. delete them?? I want to share them still because he is beautiful and#perfect ! idk. aNYWAY. Also this is their 2022 birthday when they turned 14 years old. (even though I think when I posted#their 2021 bday I might have said they were 14 then too. I was off by a year lol). 2023 when they turned 15 I unfortunately#was feeling kind of sick at the time and didn't really have the energy to do the decorations like I usually do. So they just got a few#treats and stuff. But I didn't know that would be george's last birthday lol. :/#They also do not really know or care though. they're cats who cannot process it or know the concept of birthdays so. eh#I still have no idea how these got lost on the computer though. Like I had them fully edited ready to post but just sitting in a folder??#Since MARCH 2022 lol... ??? the folder was in another folder of pictures so maybe that's how I overlooked it#But it's my 'once every 4 months computer organizing and clean out time' so I was going tghrough looking for pictures#I could drafts posts out of or sort or etc.#They got lots more treats for this birthday because one of my friends actually game me a few gifts for them#elderly boys.!!!!#I used to write in the little caption/image description sections to talk about them all individually but at some point tumblr broke that#feature and for so long they never saved or weren't visible so I stopped doing them and just ramble a bunch in the tags instead#but I kind of miss them. Thinking about old posts of the cats where I commented on each photo individually too lol.. the good ole days
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btw just a reminder if any of u are going through or have gone through a bad friendship breakup I have a playlist for that
#come one come all to this tragic affair. the playlist that caused my ex best friend to fucking BLOCK ME ON SPOTIFY LMAOOOO#i didnt even know u could do that#i found out bc i followed one of his old playlists and it kept showing up as 'this playlist is unavailable' lmfaoooo#the sheer pettiness. i have to admire it. it honestly made me miss him a little more lol#just cause its such a hilarious thing to do idk
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