#and feeling that old but always recurring longing for new friends

[e77y]

The visceral and hungering loneliness is back. You know what that means! Bedtime

[selenitesdawn]

Temperance (1/3)

pairing: wanda maximoff x female!reader plot: Your best friend Kate convinced you to do charity work in Sokovia with some of your old classmates, including your former bully Vision and his girlfriend Wanda Maximoff, who you inconveniently took too much of a liking in. warnings: 18+ !! minors dni. wanda is with vision... also, suggestive content I guess word count: 1115

Patience is a virtue. Patience is the solution. These have been your only thoughts for days now. From a self-imposed affirmation to a recurring echo in your head, this reminder is all you had to get through the situation at hand. What else could you do? Keep trying to ignore your desire? The craving that has kept you awake for days and nights?

The thing is, you may be able to trick your brain for a while. Convince yourself that the way her nose wrinkles when she grins doesn't do anything to you. That the way her middle and ring finger draw the same patterns over and over again on the pages of her book whenever she is deep in thought, doesn't stir something inside of you. That the muffled moans coming from her and Vision's room at night don't bother you. Your brain has managed to lie to itself for a long time, but you can no longer ignore what Wanda is doing to you. So instead of denying your feelings, you decided that you have to sit through them. Until you can finally leave this place.

You weren't planning on pining after your old classmate's girlfriend, but here you were. Miles away from home, locked up with the constant reminder that you can never be with Wanda the way you want to. Originally, the three months in Sokovia were supposed to fulfill you. You just wanted to take care of the local street dogs with your best friend Kate. Do something good. That was it.

“Come on y/n, you've always had a heart for street animals,” your best friend said to you at the time. Back then she turned up at your door without a warning and told you about this great trip Vision had planned.

“Kate, I barely got anything done last semester. I can't waste another one. Besides, my boss never gives me that long of a vacation.”

You knew Kate wouldn't leave your apartment until you said yes. You could tell by the way her eyes were gleaming. How she slightly bend over the table you were sitting at, her gaze not leaving you for one second. Of course, the whole thing is much easier for Kate. Her mother is filthy rich. Kate can basically do whatever she wants. She could disappear for one year, travel the world with money she didn't earn and wouldn't have to worry about her life back home for one moment. You don't have that luxury.

“Think about it. First of all, you do something that fulfills you. Besides, I know you y/n. You haven't wanted to work in that rancid bakery for months. We'll find something new for you afterwards. Not to mention that volunteering to help street dogs for three months looks great on your CV. Plus: I heard Vision rented a mansion”

Vision. The name alone triggered something in you. Vision is not only the son of the famous billionaire Tony Stark, but also a giant asshole. Before Vision knew you were friends with Kate, he took every opportunity to trigger you in some way. Like standing in front of your locker with his group of followers for no reason, just so you couldn't get to it. The worst thing he ever did was probably when he stole your notebook and read out loud in class what you had written about your former classmate Natasha. Some cheesy and cringe poem you managed to suppress from your memories. From that day on, it wasn't just the whole school that knew you liked women. You also were never able to look Natasha in the eye again. But Vision somehow always managed to come out of it okay. His reputation was disgustingly squeaky clean.

“It's so weird imagining Vision doing something voluntarily that doesn't serve only himself. Are you sure he isn't just joking?,” you had asked back then.

“I think he has really changed since high school. Besides, his girlfriend is originally from Sokovia and I think it was her idea? I don't know for sure. But please, y/n, join me. I'd do anything to spend more than an hour a week with my best friend. And this is a once in a lifetime opportunity! Vision specifically asked if you want to join.”

You've never been able to deny Kate a wish. But also, it's never led you into such a miserable situation before. So this is where you were. In a villa far too grand for it to feel like a prison. Besides Vision, Wanda and Kate, there were two other old classmates; Steve and Bucky. Living together turned out to be easier than you thought, especially considering the fact that Vision was there. But your feelings for Wanda kept causing you problems. Whenever the redhead came near you, you started to stumble over your words. One long look alone could throw you completely off balance. But it was even worse when she smiled at you. When she listened to you and her head slightly tilted at the same time. Or when you were cooking and she suddenly appeared behind you, her hand softly placed around your waist and her head set down on your shoulder.

“What are you blessing us with this evening?,” she inquired with an almost teasing tone in her voice.

Before you were able to even articulate anything, she took her free hand, slid it along your arm and took the wooden spoon out of your hand.

“May I?,” her voice dangerously low, as she already moved the spoon towards her mouth, looking straight at you. You just gulped and managed a small nod as Wanda put the spoon in her mouth, her gaze never leaving you as she sucked it clean. Her green eyes were barely visible as her dilated pupils covered them almost completely. A soft moan escaped from her lips as she handed the spoon back to you.

“You're so good at this y/n,” Wanda groans, her hand which still holds onto your waist making its way to your lower back, smoothly slipping under your loose t-shirt. The cold rings on her fingers on your warm skin immediately sent shivers down your spine. Her pinky slightly slipped under the waistband of your sweatpants before she left you standing alone in the kitchen.

She must do this on purpose. There is no other way.

You thought to yourself. But what was the use? Either you are right and she does it on purpose or you are wrong and project your fantasies onto her. In both cases, it is best to simply stay away from Wanda. Because there is no way you don't end up completely fucked. Right?

: Part 2

[enriquemzn262]

Talking about anime, time to mention the shows I’m watching this season:

Dandadan

I remember trying the manga when it first came out, dropped it after the second chapter since I fucking hate high school shit, but the anime looked well animated and the intro kicks ass, so I gave it a second chance and hooooly shit, it’s really fucking good! The start is indeed sloppy, but once aliens and spirits make their debut, it’s all uphill from there!

Great animation, characters and fight scenes galore, plus a surprisingly heartfelt and tragic story in the seventh episode, 10/10 so far!

Ranma 1/2

I grew up with the OG series, so it holds a special place in my heart, and man if the remake hasn’t disappointed me in the slightest! Great animation, amazing music, the characters feel even more charming than before, and even Akane got toned down from her bitchy self I still clearly remember from way back when.

Apparently the adaptation is much closet to the manga than the OG series, hence why it has faster pacing and somewhat more mellowed characters, and after reading that that means that piece of shit happosai is no longer becoming a recurring nightmare, I can honestly say I’m even more excited for this one !

Dragon Ball Daima

I’m latino, if I don’t watch this I’ll be banned from ever enjoying arepas again… Naw, I’ve been watching Dragon Ball for basically all my life, so of course I have to watch this one, plus OG DB was always my favorite, and this one truly captures the essence of that story!

Also, since its kid Goku again, his stupidity, which Super turned up to 11 for no good reason, finally makes in-universe sense, so that’s another plus!

TsumaSho

What everyone, myself included, wrote off as yet another ultra degenerate anime, this time about a dead wife reincarnating as a 10-year okd child, turned out to be quite the wholesome, if ultimately tragic (especially after the last episode ) series about a broken family of a dad and an adult daughter slowly recovering from 10 years of grief and darkness after the said death wife AND mother comes back and basically tells them “time to get your shit together you stupid idiots”, which, they do.

The mom character is the best, as while she’s reconnecting with her old family, she has to deal with her new one in the form of a broken divorced mom who keeps unintentionally hurting her, all because her own home life was a living nightmare, while her love life is nothing but betrayals.

It sorta reminds me of the weird telenovelas I used to watch at a friend’s house, but in a good way, don’t let the weird premise drive you off, it is not perverted in the slightest!

And that’s about it! I tried another anime about a slime girl, dropped it one episode in (I didn’t like its humor), then another about a sentient robot arm thing, dropped it after the third episode (mainly because the tone was all over the place), and another about the fan of a magical girl accidentally becoming evil, kinda like THAT degenerate anime from the beginning of the year, only not degenerate, gave it a try because of that, turned out to be the most boring shit I’ve ever watched in a long while.

Honestly, this season has been weak in terms of number of good shows, but man the ones that are actually good are FANTASTIC!

[kryptonbabe]

Ahhh Alright I will admit it! I haven't read any Superman comics yet.

I'm taking this as a cry for help, I see you friend and I'm giving you my hand, it's always time to start reading Supes. I'm not good giving recommendations because everyone enjoys different things, but there are a few comics that come to my mind when talking about good Superman starting points. I'll try to be super brief.

Golden Age

To answer your other question, you don't have to start from the very beginning, but you totally can start from there if you so desire. Golden age Superman got me into pre-code comics, they are, in my biased opinion, one of the best golden age comic series, the stories hold up incredibly well for their age. This Superman is still developing, a lot will change yet, but the core traits of what makes him special are already there: the compassion, the defense of the oppressed, the double identity, the importance of his journalism career and Lois Lane. The main villains of these early stories are structural oppression, the government and mobsters - so yeah, I'm a big fan. He is wild and sometime scary, but always kind.

Now for something completely different (modern compilations)

American Alien: all issues are written by the same guy with beautiful art by different and talented artists, this book compiles loosely interconnected stories centered around different periods of Clark's early life, one of my favorite Superman books, this one presents several aspects of his lore in a light but engaging way, everyone is here, Lobo is here, Batman, young Dick Grayson, Lex Luthor, Abin Sur (!)

Red and Blue: every story here has a different writer and artist, the collection highlights the idealistic and emotionally moving traits that are essential to Superman, short stories representing why this character is so dear to us

Miniseries

For all seasons: a moving character study focusing on Clark as a person, it's a beautiful book if you like Tim Sale's style, with gorgeous coloring by a team of people. The story is simple and grounded, narrated by different important characters of Clark's life, warm and melancholic, less action focused and more reflective. This has the feel of an old-school Superman, but still soft and emotional

Birthright: a retelling of Superman's origin story, this time while the emotional core of the character is there in the importance of Clark's family and friends there's a more thrilling plot. Character dynamics are the best thing here and when this is combined with the respect Waid has for this character and his ability to write fun moments the result is a really nice lively read

Recent runs

Patrick Gleason / Peter J. Tomasi (2016-2018): post-New 52 Superman, family man Clark, married with Lois and with a kid Jon to take care of, I love this era for how action packed, but still warm it is. It showcases a different Superman dynamic, a more intimate and accessible take on the character while he lives lots of different adventures with his family, you don't need to have read the New 52 stuff, just jump on this and you're good to go

Phillip Kennedy Johnson (Warwolrd Saga): another stellar and very recent run that you can jump in knowing that now Clark and Lois son is grown up and Clark is travelling to Warworld, planet of Mongul, to rescue the enslaved people he keeps there. This is a long arc and Superman is depowered for most of it, while there's not a lot of specific Superman lore regarding his origins, recurring characters and everyday life, this is a completely independent adventure that recontextualizes the core ideas of what makes Superman Superman. It's such a different scenario that you can read it without worrying about being familiarized with the characters and settings, it's all new, just enjoy the jouney, the fantastic art and the beefcake of gladiator shirtless Kal-el

This is all for now, I have lots of other Superman comics I'd like to put here, but they can be hard to navigate (like most of the arcs on the triangle era and post-John Byrne Superman, or bronze age stories that haven't been collected), or they have very specific tones that might be an acquired taste (like silver age comics, and more bronze age stuff). This is also a very personal selection, there are other good Superman comics out there, but these are my choices. I really hope you enjoy it if you decide to read any of them. Message me if you have any other question about this!

[zabala0z]

Welcome back to the first episode of “Listening to TMA S5, blind” I’m your beloved host and guys. Guys guys. I actually am freaking out.

MAG 161: Dwelling

I’m actually screaming. Hearing the old gang actually made me want to cry. SASHA. SASHA I MISSED YOU :(( also Elias: “I’d like to keep an eye out” you think you’re so fucking funny. I loved the very off key singing of Happy Birthday. Accurate. I wonder if Elias/Jonah sent the tapes for a reason. It’s definitely not to gloat. Is this apart of a wider web of manipulation? The Web style? Also, the fact Sasha could’ve been head archivist. Jesus

Hearing the description of the entities, that they don’t care enough to keep humanity fed and watered unnerved me a lot actually. I don’t know.

MAG 162: A Cozy Cabin

GERRY!!! Nice to hear him as a human, without all the ghost-like qualities. Although hearing Jon rewind the tape over and over and over and over again just made me feel bad.

And then Sasha and Tim.

“we had the ill-advised hookup, the awkward aftermath, and the gradually rebuilt friendship, but – that’s all season two stuff. We’ve got like five more seasons before we get the heartwarming epilogue that makes it canon.”

“No. You took it too far! I’m unforgettable!”

So what if I just ended it all?

Also Jon’s monologue. For a bit, I thought he was “knowing” one of Martins poems that he made during this since Martin was the one who did not like staying at the cabin but no, I was wrong. But time to see the outside world

MAG 163: In The Trenches

I wanna go back to the cabin.

I love TMA so much because of how the format switches up every season. Like season 1 was pretty simple enough with season 2 having Jon add in those supplementals and having a new setting (the tunnels). Season 3 cranks it up with having live statements from recurring characters, statements read by others, and dropping some lore. season 4, while similar to season 1 in terms of format, has Martin reading statements, more god damn lore and some new settings. And now season 5 has uh all this. It’s so amazing and I love it and I’m terrified.

Hearing Jon describe everything going on actuslly made me horrified. Like I got spooked out by the statements but this made me feel so much dread like I’m not even kidding. I also wanna know more about that weird ass doctor and the man with the red flower. Avatars of The Slaughter I presume.

Also that phone. ???? What???

MAG 164: The Sick Village

Gross. While the previous episode made me experience horror, this made me feel disgust. Disgust that just burrowed into my bones (get it. Cause..the episode-). I had such a deep instinct of repulsion. Like actually. I also read the triggers just cause you can never be too careful and I remember thinking, “how can xenophobia be involved with The Corruption?”…apparently xenophobia was very prevalent

Now I know where the whole “Martin’s middle name” thing comes from. I’m glad Basira is alive. And heart broken at the tragedy there is. She’s always chasing Daisy and Daisy is always chasing another thing SOMEBODY SEDATE ME

I think Georgie and Melanie are in the tunnels. It’s been established before that Elias can’t see in the tunnels which probably means Jon can’t see them. I’m glad they are safe. They need it.

Helen! Nice to see her again, I actually cackled when she said “check up on the happy couple”. Nice to see a confirmation about the relationship. This is like the worst time to be dating someone though 💀 Helen’s so happy. I’m sure she has a ton of people in her hallways. I don’t know if she’s lying about the “friend thing, but it’d be funny if she wasn’t

Okay. That’s everything. Sorry for the long wait, I had to take a break after season 4’s finale and then ANOTHER one after listening to the first 3 eps. This is like, actually heavy. Kinda draining. But god, I’m actually going insane.

I want to know how this is going to be fixed. Like. There’s gotta be some happy ending. ??? Right??? Please tell me there is one.

[raven-at-the-writing-desk]

I just read through the Wish Upon A Star event for the first time and it's a nice heartfelt story! But hoo BOY do some things about this event feel unexpectedly heavier now with the context of Book 6 and what's currently out for Book 7, particularly with the Diasomnia boys ...

Wish Upon a Star was really nice for the Shroud brothers' story in hindsight! I wouldn't say the event has anything "essential" (you can still understand book 6 without seeing any of Wish Upon a Star), but it definitely adds extra context (like sprinkles on top of an ice-cream sundae!) and some vague foreshadowing to the upcoming main story happenings. (It helped a lot that both brothers were featured cards for this event; they could share the spotlight!) We learn some new information that is fundamentally rooted in what we already know of the Shroud brothers (ie Idia is into video games, Ortho is supportive of his brother) and how it all plays together in a grander narrative. Star Rogue was actually first introduced in this event as something important to Idia and Ortho's childhoods, which later becomes a recurring motif in book 6. The book even closes on Idia playing it with all of his new NRC friends (?). The legend of the Starsending itself, of course, refers to the story of Pinocchio, where a puppet turned into a real boy--a theme which eventually carries over to Ortho, the robot that gains humanity. Additionally, we get a more in-depth exploration of Ortho and Idia's relationship in Wish Upon a Star. We see that Ortho, despite being a robot who would easily be able to look up anything he doesn't understand, still has a child-like wonder about wishes coming true and even dedicates his own wish to hoping that his older brother's wish comes true. It's Idia who expresses a deep cynicism for the Starsending and acts like a buzzkill (pointing out that the stars most likely react to people's body temperature rather than light up in response to being whispered a wish). This reflects their behavior in book 6 too: Idia is the one who has given up hope, and Ortho is the one who seeks to help his brother's dreams come true.

I guess something similar applies for the Diasomnia boys? 🤔 Although to be fair, this event came out in summer of 2020 (when the game itself first launched in March 2020), so we didn't know a ton about the Diasomnia boys back then. A lot of what they said for their wishes would have easily been dismissed as just normal characterization, but it definitely comes off as more ominous knowing what we now know of book 7:

Sebek’s wish: “I wish for the whole world to kneel before our king.” WELL. You definitely got that wish granted, Sebek 😭 cuz all of Twisted Wonderland is about to kneel over in a deep sleep once Malleus’s UM spreads far enough… Sebek is pretty much always going on about how powerful Malleus is, but in book 7 it’s not so fun having to deal with that magic now turned against us and set on consuming the world.

Silver’s wish: “I wish… for my father to have a long life.” When we first heard of this, the assumption was that Lilia would outlive Silver?? Especially with how spry Lilia is portrayed to be… BUT THEN IT TURNS OUT 700 YEAR OLD LILIA’S MAGIC IS ON THE DECLINE AND HE WANTS TO GO DIE ALONE IN A FOREIGN LAND 😩 Silver also mentions during his wish segment that he owes a lot to his father and isn’t close to repaying him for everything he has done. This is a sentiment Silver shares again in book 7… in which he then proceeds to break down and cry in front of Malleus about those insecurities 😭

Lilia’s wish: “My wish is… for humans, fae, and all other species to live in harmony.” This one hits super different because right now we’re witnessing Lilia’s past self as a general actively fighting against humans and being suspicious of them. His present self is much more peace and harmony loving, even instilling in Silver a respect for all creatures and lecturing Malleus and Sebek for their sometimes ignorant behavior towards other races. He acknowledges the challenges that come with bringing together those from all walks of life, but he’s also the first to preach about how the importance of it. People may be weak alone, but they can come together like the threads on a spindle to become something stronger together. This is a testament to how much Lilia’s feelings and him as an individual have evolved over time. What’s even sadder is that when you read Lilia’s words, it definitely sounds like he’s reflecting on his unsavory past, and wishing for a better world for the future: “You've learned about […] all the countless tales of our failure to compromise, and the resulting conflicts? I have no desire to see such history repeated.” So he makes the same wish every year…

Malleus’s wish: “I wish for Roaring Drago (Gao-Gao Dragon-kun) to make a friend.” Gao-Gao makes his first appearance in Malleus’s Labwear vignettes, but becomes a more integral part of Malleus’s story in other materials, then culminates as a motif in book 7. The importance of this virtual pet cannot be understated in regards to its connection with Malleus’s understanding of human lives and change. Prior to book 7, we see Gao-Gao as something “like Malleus”—it’s alone, a dragon hatched from an egg. (One can say that wishing for Gao-Gao to have friends is a metaphor for how Malleus himself wants friends.) During book 7, the perception of Gao-Gao changes; now it is likened to Malleus’s loved ones. He fears them leaving, just like Gao-Gao does when he’s all grown up—and so Malleus justifies his extreme actions with the excuse of, “I want them to live a happy fantasy forever and ever, just as though Gao-Gao were with me for all of time”. It’s how Malleus rationalizes his actions and comes to understand others. What makes Gao-Gao and even more prominent symbol in book 7 is its ties with Lilia; as Malleus notes in his Starsending segment, Gao-Gao was a gift from Lilia’s travels… and Gao-Gao set to leave once it has fully matured, so, too, comes the painful reminder that Lilia set to leave soon. It puts more pressure on Malleus to act, to come up with some kind of solution for a “happily ever after”. It’s his way of keeping his friends with him… whether they want it or not.

[undertale-fic-librarby]

Hiya! I just read your pinned post, i actually didn't know librarby exist in tumblr and honestly- its really helpful for me as someone who often forgive what kinda plot but don't know what its name is. 👉👈 (Ack pardon grammars)

Also- If its still possible for asked this, do you have any completed fic for undertale sans x reader? :0 or deltarune sans is okay too! I've been wanting to read that has most fluff and slice of life with less angst xD i might found something that i haven't read yet, the long chapters the better, altho its actually not necessary, so its up to you!

Take your time and I hope you doing well!! Thank you for exist 💙

Howdy, thanks for asking! Here are some fics that might fit what you're looking for!

Save Point by JuniperJoy101 (Teen And Up, Complete)

Moving from a backwater town to a city bustling with human and monsterfolk alike, some things begin to change both for the better and the worse. What was left behind comes back to bite at you in the most unexpected times, current progress being put in danger as a result. It's hard to move on, though it's equally difficult trying to stay loyal to what you believe is right. With an adoptive seven-year-old son and the remnants of a recent divorce in your hands, your goal is to move on and adjust to life with monsters, these becoming an important part of your life -- one of them in particular reigniting the spark you thought gone with your ex spouse. • • • The following story is a re-write of the first UT fanfic I ever managed to publish on the Internet. Undertale belongs to Toby Fox. You belong to yourself.

A salting feelings by EvergreenEmerald (Teen And Up, Complete)

You cleared your throat loudly to get their attention; they jumped at the sound, turning to face you. You felt just as awkward as they did. “Sorry, didn’t mean to scare you, though I do owe you for the nice trip you sent me on earlier.” You pointed to the disarrayed suitcase that had been tossed around by your stumbling feet. They giggled as you motioned for them to come inside. They pulled their suitcase into the house, but paused in front of you, turning their head up with an adorable smile. You started to wonder if you had seen this kid before, they look so familiar. Maybe they remind you of one of your parents? *You are a family court lawyer with a dark past that caused you to be separated from your sibling years ago. Now they are placed in your care out of the blue because the government didn't like the idea of a monster raising a human, you have to deal with speaking to your sibling about your shared past and lost parents, the courts who make life hard, new monster friends, and this skeleton that won't stop interrupting you and being a nosy jerk

Curious laughter by SpiffySiffy (Teen And Up, Complete)

Sans is just keeping an eye out on his brother's friends. You have a strange personality and he finds it interesting. Suddenly he finds he's getting more and more curious about you and your thoughts on certain topics.

My Princess by Kyra1416 (Teen And Up, Complete)

(Y/N) was always a shy child. She was slowly to trust others and was scared of almost anything. This made it hard for her to form bonds and keep those bonds intact. She lived on Mt.Ebbot with her family. The story of monsters kidnapping children and eating their souls made her to scared to ever leave the house. Her whole life changed forever the day her parents where murdered right before her very eyes. While running from the killer, she fell into the underground. It was there she descovered her stange powers, and meet a certain punny skeleton.

Winter In Your Bones by cryptid_jack (Mature, Complete)

You're a modestly successful fiction writer living in rural Alaska; just you, your dog, and your horse in a small cabin on a large piece of property in the shadow of a mighty mountain range. You're used the the quiet, enjoy it even, but when you start having recurring dreams of a strange skeleton visiting you in the night you wonder if the solitude might be starting to get to you…at least until you realize you're not dreaming at all because Sans is, in fact, a real, live monster. Friendship, romance, and shenanigans ensue.

[iconuk01]

Icon-UK watches Fraggle Rock: Back the Rock - Season 2, Episode 5 - "I'm Pogey"

My cynical old walnut of a heart is once again powerless against the Henson Company. In this case "Fraggle Rock: Back to the Rock".

A recurring background character in this series has been a fairly generic Fraggle named Pogey, who is always introduced by showing up yelling "I'm Pogey!"

And in this episode we finally discover why. It's not that Pogey isn't smart (a bit literal perhaps, but that's not the same thing), it's that Pogey is very proud of the name "Pogey" because it took them a VERY long time to find a name they felt fitted the them they wanted to be.

Though gender presentation is hardly straightforward with Muppets, Pogey is, I think, the first deliberately genderqueer Muppet, and the show introduces the concept elegantly.

Wembley (always a favourite of mine) is having an identity crisis AND self esteem issues. He tried a new look which he really liked, but talked himself out of, because he worried people wouldn't like him anymore (and Red inadvertantly snapping at him over something else didn't help)

Red, who is having a bad day, had asked Pogey to join in a cheer for Gobo they are arranging, and whether they wanted to be a "Go" or a "Bo" and they have to try and explain that they're not not a "Go", or a "Bo", except sometimes they're both... or in between.... or neither.

Pogey meets up with Wembley and explains how they can be different from what they were, and change many times, but they know that, at their core, they are still always Pogey.

Cue a visit to the frankly fabulous Great Glitterini (voiced by Adam Lambert) for Wembley to realise that maybe he does want to feel like that sometimes, and that's okay because no matter what "I'm Wembley!"

Helped, in no small part, by the glitter in the Great Glitterini's "Glitter Globe", which allows anyone to express themselves as as any version of themselves they can think of.

Though cis, I've seen friends realise that how they happened to be born as is not who they really are, or want to be, and recognise the importance of Wembley's line in the above.

"You look amazing!" followed by an almost mournful "... and happy"

Because I can't think of anyone I know who has decided to become their truer selves whose baseline happiness level didn't increase. An old schoolfriend was one of the most miserable people I know, I'm talking Marvin the Paranoid Android levels of cynicism here, but since she came out as trans, she is SO much happier with her life.

And finally, just cap this charming episode off, we get a rendition of one of my all time favourite Fraggle Rock songs from the original series "Free and High!" with the Great Glitterini being joined by Wembley, Pogey and Doc.

And the scene at the end where Wembley, more comfortable in himself and publicly trying a new more glittery look, meets his friends again and Gobo, his room-mate and absolute best friend in the world, immediately and unprompted, tells him he looks amazing, and that he's never seen him happier, honestly... ugly crying right here, I'm not ashamed to say it.

(There's also a subplot with the Gorgs where, as part of his 500th birthday celebrations, Junior has to choose between one of two boxes which will decide how he is perceived for the rest of his life and him realising he doesn't like either very much. It's not subtle, but it's fun)

[patrik6090]

what the city of new yokr and me have in common

Continuing to work on our work even tho we're piss anr tired

(R.S HERE DOING A TAG CHALLENGE SI LONG IM SCARED I WONT BE ABLE TI SEND KT

Little twasern

Patrik6090, someone who used to be a great hero, a mentor to many people and Inspiration to many more, he fell into bouts of insecurity, mental illness and drug addiction, and began to grow tired of life, he grew into a lesser version of himself that forced his old family to watch him fade away into a husk kf his former self, but the new hero Roel, he manages to spark some extra heroin action into Patrik, getting him to give heroism one last chance

Role: mentor character

pennyroyald: the Bickering lover of one of the Popular side characters, who often finds themselves on the end of fan service and panty shots, who despite having in depth lore and being a trans rep, she is often reduced to just a pair of tits, when she is so much more

Role: recurring side character

Mari: the priestess turned paladin Turned battle saintess, betrothed to her goddess that was designated as a cult by the evil king green due to her Eldritch like state, she originally collides and even fights with the heroes who have yet to learn of even king Green's corruption, but later on becomes an ally

Role: major lore character, shows up on occasion for (non sexual) fan service

@importantpeachfury: the posh and depressed daughter of the king dead king, raised by her wicked stepmother star, she often wastes away in her tower, her abundance of magical energy drained, feeling as if she's always in the brink of death, she starves herself and preforms dangerous magical experiments on herself with only what she has around to make herself beautiful for the handsome knight that will eventually free her, she is a childhood friend of protagonist and Hero Roel, who goes into much effort to learn of her fate when she is discovered dead in the first episode

Role: flashback plot device

Oh hell yeah I'll take sad old mentor!!!

I can make people fall flat on their face and just call it training!!!

This is literally so peak!!

[draculasfavoritewife]

One Taste

Summary: You've always known there was more to your pale elf companion than meets the eye -- what kind of pact is sealed in the dead of night?

Pairing: Astarion Ancunín x fem!Reader

Warnings: Blood drinking, flippant talk of death, reader is an insomniac (definitely not a recurring theme in my writing, what a strange coincidence!) Astarion's particular brand of flirtation (idk what to tell you babes, I like condescension) and unnecessarily sexual themes in vampiric feeding (What? It's hot af, so sue me).

It was only a matter of time before I hopped on the Astarion bandwagon when my former roommate started playing bg3. I wrote the first draft of this about a year ago, Christmas 2023, because I had taken a deep dive and became much more than a little obsessed with that first feeding moment. Also for a solid six months -- I kid you not -- the only thing I listened to in order to fall asleep was the 8-hour compilation of all his lines from the game lol (look it up, it's a beautiful thing) so now this man's voice is in my head at all times. It's a glorious curse to be afflicted with. Also reader is a bard because I'm a musician :)

It’s so dark here, even with the halo of the fire smoldering low in the circle of woodland where your companions are camping for the night. Every time the group of you finds a new place to stay for a few days, it’s the same old argument all over again — just how big and bright of a blaze is too much to keep a low profile, but how much light is still needed to keep the more unfriendly denizens of the night away. 

You’re a fairly patient person, had to be to survive on the streets when you were abandoned as a child, but by all the gods, sometimes waiting for the perfect opportunity to charm persuadable passers-by into tossing you a coin for your songs was easier than waiting for these companions to settle a matter with any weight to it.

So call it petty, but if occasionally you were found tuning up your mandolin by the fireside in the middle of the night and the lighter sleepers woke up cursing your name and the name of your Bardic College, you weren’t sure “sorry" was exactly the emotion you felt. 

Perhaps it was something to do with that side of you that had inexplicably connected you to the party’s temperamental rogue. You hadn’t expected at all to be the one that he turned out to be oddly fond of, but sometimes life was stranger than fiction, after all. And even if your strange…friendship of sorts had begun with one of his blades at your throat and a snarl on his lips, what indeed was a little attempted murder between friends, in his own words. 

Friends. 

The word still feels foreign to you; it’s been a long time since you had anyone you would use it for. But as long as his violent tendencies worked in your favor and not against you, he was certainly a valuable ally to have, at the very least. 

And you can’t deny that he intrigues you. 

“Darling! I thought you’d be fast asleep by now. What in the sweet hells are you still doing up at this hour?’ 

Speak of the devil. 

You turn from your seat by the ring of embers to gaze up at him, standing inquisitively over you, and can’t entirely deny the confounding way your heart always skips a beat in your chest when you see him. There’s probably a measure of residual fear there, a nice little self-preserving reminder that he could very well kill you if you don’t keep your guard up, but it’s not entirely that, either. 

No, Astarion Ancunín is a beauty among men — tall enough, though not so tall as to be intimidating, lithe and light-footed as a cat, yet broad of shoulder and chest so you suspect power matches grace. The moon is out tonight, not hiding behind its gloomy clouds for once, and the way the light plays over his alabaster skin and finely shaped features reminds you once again that he must be a high elf, though he has made no mention of ancestry or background to you so far, aside from vague references to a former “employer” that may or may not even be fully true. 

His tongue is far too silver for you to completely believe everything that leaves his mouth. 

“Insomnia,” you offer with a smile, sliding your dagger back into its sheath now that you’ve finished cleaning and sharpening it after the day’s wear. “Ironically the only nighttime lover that’s stuck around me this long, I'm afraid.” 

He clicks his tongue in theatrical pity, lowering himself to the ground beside you; you note with interest, not for the first time, that most beings in such close proximity would radiate body heat to some degree, but as with the other few times he’s been this close, it’s as if no one is beside you at all to break up the steadily chilling atmosphere.

Like his body is as cold as his cutting tone when he’s angry. 

“Well, their loss, I’m sure, Pet. You seem far too intriguing a creature to let go so thoughtlessly.” 

It almost awes you, the sheer ease with which such phrases spill from his lips, that he never seems to run out of lovely words to flatter and fluster those around him. Of course, as such a long-lived being, you imagine he’s had decades if not longer to practice his art and perfect it.

You can only imagine how many before you have fallen under the spell of his hypnotic way with language. 

But you’ve dealt in poetry quite awhile yourself, and you know better than most that the prettiest words are not always without an ulterior motive.

So you play along with his game, whatever it may be. He’s admitted he’s not the most exacting of strategists, so you feel fairly certain he’ll tip his hand sooner rather than later. 

“You flatter me, Astarion.” 

“Of course I do, Love. I aim to please.” 

He’s tossed phrases like that at you before, and as with the other times, you catch the briefest sneer flash across his face before it instantly returns to its usual smooth expression of self-satisfaction. 

“What’s your excuse?” you prod lightly, disguising your real interest as small talk as you place a few more twigs in the fire. You both watch the brief, tiny flares of new flame as they rise and fall before he answers. 

His laugh is too free, just the smallest hint too bright. “I’m an elf, Darling. A few hours of trance and I’ll be fit to outlast any of these fools in a fight. Sleep is a luxury if I so desire, but not a necessity, as I’m sure you recall.” 

You try to send him an annoyed look at his superior tone, but it’s nearly impossible to stay that way when met with his dancing crimson eyes and that damn pretty grin that sweeps his perfect lips into such tantalizing curves. 

“Saucy bastard.” 

“Thank you, I try.” 

The two of you sit there in silence for a little while, and as the stars change position above you, you start to pick up that perhaps there really is more to Astarion’s immediate reasons for being here than he told you. There’s a tightly wound tension lurking underneath the surface of his body, betrayed by minuscule restless movements and shifts. You hear it when he opens his mouth once or twice as if to speak, but he gives you nothing more than a noncommittal hum each time.

Yet his gaze has been searing into you with increasing intensity whenever yours is fixed forward on the fire, and finally you realize it may be up to you to prompt this interaction he so obviously wants, or you may be stuck here in this limbo indefinitely. 

“Do you want something, Astarion?” 

His breath hisses in surprise; as quickly as the lapse in his façade happens it fades, smoothing over itself so when your attention reaches him he’s all unruffled charm again.

“Perceptive little thing, aren’t we.” 

“I aim to please,” you respond, mimicking his delivery of earlier.

Something in the air between you is taut and brittle, and you have the sense that how the next few minutes go is entirely dependent on how you react to him.

As far as you can tell, it’s been your ability to give back as good as you get in terms of wit that has kept you in his good graces so far. 

“This would have been so much simpler if you weren’t plagued with sleeplessness,” he laments. “But no matter. I suppose the worst you can do is refuse me, after all.” 

He leans in close, and now it’s your turn to lose your breath, faced as you are with those suddenly burning eyes, so intense that you find your own gaze flickering instead between the immaculate silver-white curl falling over his forehead and the way his tongue slides contemplatively across his teeth. 

“This may be a…strange request, for lack of a better word,” he admits, pinning you in place with that furnace-like focus. “But I’m utterly ravenous tonight, and I need something you could provide me with quite easily. If you’re feeling at all generous and not inclined to ‘stabbing-and-running’, that is.” 

In the muted glow from the embers’ light, you see at last what you’ve suspected in the back of your mind was there all along, barely hidden in the shadows of his mouth. 

His canine teeth are long, elegantly curving to razor points that glint sharply as his upper lip pulls ever so slightly back. 

Vampire. 

“You need a drink, don’t you?” you whisper, strangely more wondering than frightened. “You’re a vampire.” 

The dangerous red eyes narrow with genuine interest. “And yet your heart isn’t trying to dig its way out of your chest at the very idea. Does it not terrify you, to be faced with such an unholy creature — all alone — in the middle of the night, my Dear?” 

It’s a precarious game now; though you doubt Astarion would outright pounce and drain you dry, you do know better than to think he’ll do what you expect him to, and any wrong move could be one you would sorely regret. You can clearly see the desperate hunger now, clawing behind his carefully set expression — the twitch of an ear, a sweep of his tongue, his chest heaving briefly beneath the filmy white shirt that drapes his figure so finely before it stills again. 

“Believe it or not, you’re not the first vampire I’ve encountered,” you tell him softly. “And you at least had the decency to ask. I’m inclined to not be too difficult, if you swear not to kill me.” 

Astarion moves closer again, causing you to move slightly back.

And you notice that, despite his predatory body language, there’s also a bone-deep weariness in those captivating eyes, that the lovely angles of his face are drawn and even paler than normal. 

“I…won’t kill you.”

The words land somewhere between a purr and a growl, and draw a shiver up your spine like the surprise of cold rain. “I feed almost exclusively from wild animals, you know. But the hunting has been scarce as of late, and much as it pains me to admit it, I’m not in top form at the moment.” He looks away for a moment, something like disgust wrinkling his nose and curling his lip.

“I only require enough to replenish my strength for the hunt.” 

You turn this proposal over in your head, weighing the potential dangers against the advantages.

If he, in fact, doesn’t kill you either during or directly after he feeds, having Astarion in your debt could actually greatly improve your chances of survival on this journey.

It feels worth the risk. 

“Okay.” You nod, consciously slowing your breath to keep from appearing panicked about your choice. “You can take enough to refresh yourself. Don’t push it.” 

The disarming ripple of shock passes across his features, and for just a split second, his eyes look wide and almost soft before he’s fully back in control again, a wicked smirk taking the place of any potential vulnerability that could have been glimpsed there.

“I will be absolutely angelic for you, my Love. You’ll barely feel a thing. May I?” 

He reaches for you, and after a breath of hesitation, you nod your consent. 

The way he lowers your body all the way to the ground is impossibly tender, the complete opposite of the only other time the two of you have been in this position, when he was threatening to kill you. Although his hold is firm, warning you not to try anything rash, his one hand cushions the back of your head as you allow yourself to be guided downwards, and the way that hand caresses its way down your back to settle the rest of your body in turn is a touch of heaven, relaxing your muscles against your better judgment. His other hand cradles your neck, long, cool fingers stroking the sensitive skin between your ear and shoulder until the delicious sensation causes you to open the area up to him with a slight sigh.

Astarion bends over you, and there’s a possessiveness to his posture, a falcon mantling its prey. 

“You look so lovely from this angle,” he chuckles, and the unexpected compliment is enough to drop your guard for an instant, so he lunges forward, teeth bared. 

You gasp at the frozen stab of his fangs embedding themselves deep in your flesh, but before you can make another sound, the pain subsides as quickly as it began. Instead, all you become aware of is the hungry push-pull sensation of his mouth flush against your skin, and the almost erotic sounds of enjoyment that roll from somewhere deep in his chest as your hot blood bathes his tongue and runs down his throat.

And there’s a dangerous sort of pleasure that rises in answer in your own treasonous chest, at the knowledge that he’s taking his very sustenance from your body like this. 

If he doesn’t forget himself and drain you completely dry, maybe you would even offer this again when he’s starving the next time. 

Your vision suddenly blurs as your head spins, and shaken back into the present moment, you dig your nails sharply into Astarion’s bicep, hoping he’ll get the message and stop. 

The eyes that swing to refocus on yours are nearly mad with ecstasy, and as his brow furrows and his jaws tighten around the side of your throat, you start to genuinely fear that maybe he’s too far gone, and this was your final mistake. 

But after a moment that feels like it stretches on for centuries, he reluctantly unlocks his teeth from the depths of you, and with a gentleness that makes your already pounding heart flutter more, he closes up the wounds with a couple smooth laps of his tongue. 

“There, that wasn’t so bad, was it?” he singsongs as he rocks back on his heels to stare down at you. He could almost pass for someone pleasantly tipsy on wine, half-lidded eyes and probably the warmest grin you’ve yet to see crossing his face.

Only the thick scarlet rivulets lazily running from the corners of his smug mouth tell the truth. 

You’re still breathing hard, though you blink up at him as calmly as possible. “You'd better tell me I taste good, for the headache I’m probably going to have tomorrow.” 

“Oh, Love, you sell yourself short,” he remarks airily. “You taste much better than simply good. In fact, you’re rather divine, and I hope you realize that’s an immense compliment coming from me.”

Almost absentmindedly, he swipes the back of a hand across his lower lip, slowly licks the excess blood from his hand with a languid tongue, still maintaining eye contact with you as he does so. 

“Mm. Good. Otherwise I might not let you do this again.”

Your eyes feel so heavy now; much as you were planning on staying awake longer, you’re not sure you’ll be able to anymore.

You let your eyelids start to flutter shut. 

“Again — ? Well well, you are a wonder, aren’t you.” Astarion’s voice lowers to a silky whisper as he hesitates a moment, then lightly lifts your head to rest it more comfortably upon a folded blanket he moves beneath you for a pillow.

“And look at it this way, Pet — now I’ve gone and solved your insomnia problem for you! You can thank me in the morning, don’t worry, I’ll wait.” 

Your breathing has begun to slow and deepen, but even as your sight and hearing spiral away, you feel it with stunning clarity as his fingertips drift down your cheek, and his lips, still warm from the temporary life your blood has granted him, brush over the place where he bit you with all the shy adoration and reverence of a lover. 

You wonder if anything in that gesture is at all genuine. 

And that thought makes you wonder why the idea of it all being just an act is a cold one. 

He straightens up; you sense rather than hear him move away from you, a new prowling intensity to his stride as he no doubt heads back into the darkness to hunt.

His retreating words float back to you on the night breeze, and the promise of his future favor releases the last string tethering you to the world of the waking. 

“I promise I’ll not take this for granted, my Love.” 

[gloomzombie]

I'll Bury You For This

Pairing: Jeff The Killer X Male Reader

Warnings: None

Word Count: 4,861

Chapter One: Smells Like Teen Spirit

August 16. 7:20 am.

The sound of my alarm blaring woke me up. I groaned and flipped over on my bed, turning the damned thing off. I hate it but it's not like anyone else is gonna wake me up.

I sat up, rubbing the sleep from my eyes. Ah, today would be the first day of school. The first day of my senior year to be exact. God, when did I get so old? I'll be turning 18 in two months!

"Ughh," I exclaimed in a tired voice. I stood up and went to my closet, taking out some clothes. I took those to the bathroom, my mind fogged with sleep. I'm not exactly sure how I feel starting the new year.

I mean I'm gonna go through this year, then it'll be my last summer before I start college. It feels abnormal to even think about it.

I took my shower and put on my clothes afterward. I wore some skinny jeans, a random band shirt, and some accessories like necklaces and chains. I also decided to style my hair a little so I didn't look terrible. I also put on some pencil eyeliner. Liquid eyeliner is way too feminine for me.

After all that was done, I grabbed my backpack and made my way through the hallway to the kitchen. I took out a chocolate chip muffin I bought yesterday and stuffed it in my bag.

I always eat my small breakfast in school. I can't stand being here for longer than I have to. I check the time on my phone. It read 7:58 am.

Perfect. I can go now and won't be too early. I put my phone in my pocket and grabbed my keys off the kitchen counter. I stopped at the door to put my shoes on.

"You were just gonna leave without speaking to me?" My heart dropped in my chest at the sound of his voice. Shit. I finished tying my shoes and stood up straight, looking over at where it came from.

Down the hallway stood my dad, who I've recently started calling John, in a sweat-stained tank top and plaid pajama bottoms. Classic deadbeat dad fit. "Sorry. I didn't want to wake you but I also wanted to get to school a little early." I fiddled with the hem of my shirt anxiously.

My dad rolled his eyes. "Whatever. I'll just call your mother to come get your stuff while you're gone. Maybe you'll be happier there since you hate me so much."

I sighed, trying not to feel anything as I repeated my recurring responses. "I don't hate you." "Why do you hate me so much? Let's talk about this because I wanna know." He stared me down, waiting by his bedroom doorway.

"I don't hate you." "Uhuh. I believe that."

I turned the doorknob, knowing if I don't leave now I'll be here for a long time. "I'm not done talking to you! Don't walk away from me when I'm speaking to you, little boy!" He yelled at me as I walked out the door.

I quickly locked the door and about ran to my bike. I picked it up and took off as fast as I could, ignoring the sound of the door slamming open.

8:18 am.

I got to school later than I wanted to, but I didn't really think much of it. I immediately went to first period, not in the mood to deal with everyone in the hallways.

I went inside and took my seat in the back. I was one of the only people in the classroom. Even the teacher wasn't in yet. I sighed, slouching in my chair.

I let my eyes wander over the classroom and rolled my eyes. I need to listen to music if I wanna get through the day. I took my phone and earbuds out of my pocket, putting the earbuds in my ears.

I played my most recently made playlist. I decided I'd save my muffin for later. I don't really have much of an appetite after this morning.

As the students packed into the room over the next few minutes, I continued listening to music until my best friend's familiar face showed up.

I smiled, turning off my music and taking out my earbuds. "Xander!" I called. He turned his head toward my direction, previously eyeing the girl he was talking to. "Hey!" He turned back and muttered something to her, to which she giggled in response.

He made his way over to me. "Shit. Honestly, I wasn't sure you'd show," He smirked, taking the seat beside me. I rolled my eyes and scoffed. "Could say the same thing to you."

"Touche touche. Soo did you ever get that guy's number?" He asked, lowering his voice a bit as he spoke.

I gave him a confused expression, racking my mind for what guy he could be talking about. He spoke up again while I was still thinking about who it could be.

"The guy with long hair that worked at Spencers?" Xander rolled his eyes. My expression relaxed. "Oh, him? Nah, last time I went he was with another dude and they kissed so I mean." I answered, putting my earbuds back in my backpack.

"Wellll...you could still have asked for his number," Xander wiggled his eyebrows and I punched him in the arm. "No! I'm not doing that when he was obviously with someone." I roll my eyes, exasperated by him already.

"I would have if it were a chick." "Yeah, 'cause you're a manwhore." Now it was his turn to punch me. We laughed and talked more until the teacher finally showed up.

"Sorry students, I was caught up in the teacher's lounge," Ms. Johnson cleared her throat and put her things down on her desk messily.

"Yeah, caught up with Mr. Evans," Xander said just above a whisper. The girls in the back of the room giggled. Ah, so the fangirls are already starting.

Ms. Johnson's face scrunched up a tad as she obviously heard his comment, but she ignored it. "Now, today we won't have a lesson since it's the first day, but I do have some word searches that you will be graded on." She then told someone in the front to pass the papers back.

As the papers were being passed around, people started conversations with their friends. Xander was too busy talking to the girls around us. I try to tune it out since he can be pretty gross.

I felt a small tap on my shoulder and I turned in my seat. "Hi, sorry for bothering you. I just wanted to say I really like your shirt and like- your style in general." It was a girl I had never seen before. She had an alternative style, her teased hair and many facial piercings making it obvious.

She wore all black and on the front of her shirt was a metal band logo I recognized- Aversions Crown. I had to look down at my shirt, forgetting which one I slipped on. Carnifex. "Oh, thanks. I like yours too." I gave her a nice smile. I rarely ever found people that liked metal here, the heaviest music people usually like is older rock music and the occasional Metallica song.

"Thanks! They're one of my favorites," she averted her gaze. I could tell she was flustered even under her pale makeup. "Oh! I'm sorry I forgot to tell you my name." She realized. "I'm Lily," her black lips turned up at the corners into a soft smile.

"It's fine. I'm Y/N," I smiled back at her. It'd be cool to have another actual friend. "Lilyy! Are you done talking to that cute boy yet? I still need to talk to you about what happened with you know who," a girl from a few desks away whined.

Lily covered her mouth with her hand. "Sorry about that. Talk later?" She asked. I nodded. "Yeah sure." She walked back over to the other girl and they started talking and giggling amongst themselves.

I sighed and looked back over at Xander. He was still talking to the girls that surrounded him. I never understood why he was so popular. He's an emo dude and aren't emo dudes supposed to get bullied?

He is pretty. Really pretty. But how in the hell did they think that too?

"Oh! Class, can I get your attention please?" Ms. Johnson spoke up. I looked over at her, but only a few other people did as well. "I said, can I have your attention?" She raised her voice a little and that got a majority of the class's attention.

"As you know, we don't usually get too many new students. But, this young man is an exception!" She smiled as she looked up at the "young man" beside her.

Oh? Beside her stood probably one of the prettiest guys I've seen at this school, and that's saying a lot since he had a mask on, concealing the bottom half of his face.

That got everyone's attention. "Go on, introduce yourself." His eyes slanted ever so slightly, obviously annoyed. Was it obvious or am I just paying a lot of attention to him?

"I'm Jeff. That's all you need to know about me." His gravely, deep voice caught me off guard.

Oh my GOD his voice. I inhaled sharply, sitting up a bit straighter. I need to calm down.

Ms. Johnson sighed, clearly just not wanting to deal with anything today. "Alright. Find an empty seat anywhere and finish this by the end of the day." She handed him the word search and his eyes scanned the room, probably looking for a seat.

I watched as his eyes landed on me, or rather the chair beside me then actually to me. Oh god, focus focus focus. I quickly averted my gaze to the unfinished word search on my desk, fiddling with the pencil in between my fingers.

I can't focus. His footsteps came closer and closer till it was just the sound of the plastic chair moving against the linoleum floor. I shouldn't be stressing out this much over a new guy but damn. There's something about the way he carries himself that really catches my attention...but y'know his looks help.

"Hey." I heard him speak up and I took my time to turn my head towards him, with a lot of self-control mind you. "Oh, hey." I let my eyes rest on his. I note the bluish-grey color they were.

"Saw you were eyeing the hell outta me. What was that about? You have a problem?" Jeff asked, his tone harsh and defensive. I gave him a confused expression. "No? Am I not allowed to look at you?" I asked sarcastically.

I watched his furrowed eyes soften a little. Does he like attitude or something? "Not in the way you were looking at me." He retorted, his voice laced with venom. He leaned closer to me and I could swear I could feel my face heat up.

"Listen. I'm gonna say this once and only once. Don't mess with me. I promise you, you won't enjoy what happens." Jeff's eyes pierced into mine as his words registered in my mind.

The hell? Threatening me when he doesn't even know me? 'You won't enjoy what happens.' Yeah we'll see about that.

"And what's going to happen if I do?" I retaliated. I don't like being threatened, especially by someone that doesn't know anything about me.

Jeff's eyebrow raised and he chuckled, an evil sound coming from behind his lips. "Oh, you really have no clue who you're messing with here." "Enlighten me."

"Alright, class! We have two minutes until this period is over. Gather your things and you can take your word searches. Make sure to turn them in to me before the end of the day." Ms. Johnson's voice interrupted our conversation.

"Just leave me alone if you know what's good for you." Jeff stood up quickly, picking up his bag in the same movement then walking out the door. My eyes lay on the doorway for a second.

Well, he sure is interesting. Interesting and hot, but that's not important.

10:48 am.

My next class was pretty much the same. Again, it is the first day so we didn't do much. Xander doesn't share it with me and neither did that Lily girl, so I drew most of the period.

After that class ended, I headed into the hallway. I made my way to my locker. That new kid, Jeff, was rummaging through the one beside mine. Oh great. So he took the locker that was vacant last year.

I sighed and went up to my own, unlocking it and putting my books in there that I wouldn't need right now. I couldn't help but scrunch my face at how dull it looked. I'll have to decorate it more when I can. I can't stand how boring it looks right now.

I could feel Jeff's burning gaze on the side of my head, but I ignored it. I shut my locker and made my way to third period.

I was again one of the first people there, taking a seat in the back as usual. I took a book out of my bag and picked up where I left off, tuning out the chitter-chatter and miscellaneous noises of the class.

I continued reading, getting really into the chapter, until I heard the sound of the moving of the chair sat beside mine. I look up from my book. Jeff sat there next to me, his gaze set nowhere in particular.

I let my eyes roam the room and notice something. Really? There are so many other empty chairs. After all that he said to me in first period, he's still gonna sit next to me? I couldn't help the smug expression that grazed my face. Jeff's eyes moved over to meet mine.

"Why're you looking at me like that?" he snapped. I smirked. "Well, it seems to me you're contradicting yourself." Jeff's eyebrow raised in confusion. "You threatened me just an hour ago yet," I motioned towards the chair he was sitting at, "you still choose to sit next to me."

Jeff huffed, his eyebrows knit in a tight line. "Whatever. I just like to sit in the back. Has absolutely nothing to do with you." He turned his gaze back to look in front of him as if he were thinking.

I chuckled. "Whatever helps you sleep at night, sugar." Jeff's head flung back to look at me. "The FUCK did you just call me?" He raised his voice a little, causing us to get a few looks from people.

I smirked, leaning closer just a bit. "Sugarr." I pulled back and looked back at my book, smiling at the expression the simple pet name left on his face.

12:10 pm.

After third period ended, I made my way back to my locker and put some more stuff in it for tomorrow. I took my bag with me as I made my way through the hall.

My gaze was kept at my feet. I usually keep to myself and am only ever bothered by people who somehow like me. I'm pretty sure it's just because I'm best friends with Xander though.

"Y/N?" I stopped my trip to the cafeteria and turned to look at who it was this time. It was a guy that stopped me this time, which shocked me a little bit.

It's mostly girls that stop me and won't stop giggling and smiling as they try to get me to go out with them.

"Yeah, that's me," I responded. I don't recognize him. He had fluffy brown hair and wore some baggy pants and a brown striped sweater. He was shorter than me, so I had to look down at him.

"I know you don't know me but, I've always thought you looked really cool. Do you think we could sit together at lunch?" He asked. His eyes were avoiding mine, looking down at the floor as he fiddled with his fingers. Is he really this nervous to talk to me?

"Uh.. yeah. Yeah sure," I decided it wouldn't hurt. Xander would have to suck it up if he wants me to sit with him.

I continued my walk to the cafeteria, but now with this random guy. I probably shouldn't call him random but what else would I call him when I don't know him?

We went through the doorway as we arrived at the cafe. I looked around, noticing Xander. I was planning on telling him I'd be sitting with someone else today, but I stopped myself from approaching his table.

With the way every chair at it was taken by another bleach blonde girl with self tanned skin, I have a feeling he wouldn't care one bit.

I shrugged. It doesn't surprise me. "Isn't that your friend?" The shorter male's voice spoke. I sighed. "Best friend, yeah." I kept my response short as I started to walk in the direction of an empty table.

I quickly sat in one of the chairs and the guy sat in the one directly in front of me. "Is he always an ass like that?" He muttered, which made me laugh a little.

I slid a hand through my hair, not caring if it messed up a little. "Yeah, that's just him. It doesn't really bother you after a while." I started rummaging through my backpack and pulled out my muffin and a water bottle.

"Oh, I didn't tell you my name did I?" I turned my gaze toward him as I zipped my bag back up. I shook my head and watched as his face got a little red.

He averted his gaze, biting his lip. "Sorry. I'm Gage." I took my muffin out of the wrapper as he nervously introduced himself.

It was a cute name, and it suited him very well. "Cute." I replied, voicing my thoughts aloud. I couldn't help the smile from grazing my lips as I watched his face redden and how his hand moves up to cover his mouth.

"I don't think so," Gage responds, his eyes going to mine for a split second before moving away again. I tilted my head. "Welll," I took his hand in mine and pulled it down from his face, "I think it's perfect for you."

His eyes met mine once more and he couldn't hide how red his face has gotten at this point. I chuckled and let go of his hand.

I can't ever help myself. Flirting with people is my thing. I love to make them flustered and watch as they squirm under my gaze, especially if they're pretty.

"I..Uh..." Gage looked away once more. I pulled my hand away from his and started eating my muffin. At least I'll be getting something out of this school year.

1:30pm

The rest of lunch and fourth period went by in a blur. The time I had left in lunch I spent getting to know Gage more.

He's pretty cute honestly. Not only was his appearance cute though, his personality was adorable. I think we're gonna be good friends, especially if Xander keeps distancing himself from me.

Fourth period was really boring, but math usually is. At least the work was just review work so it was really simple.

I make my way to my locker, putting my math textbook in it. I made my way to fifth period, not really paying attention to my surroundings.

My next class is history, which I'm not insanely thrilled about but I'll be alright. If it were something more interesting like Greek or Roman history I'd be all for it but it's just gonna be American history yet again.

I walked into class and made my way to the back, taking the seat closest to the window. I took my notebook out and opened it.

I started doodling, as I'm yet again early. I sighed, my thoughts elsewhere as I absentmindedly drew whatever my hand wanted to.

I continued drawing, even when the class started filling up more- and even when he sat next to me once more.

It's probably not gonna end well, drawing without thinking. If I'm not thinking, time is going by faster which means I'll be going home faster.

I let my eyes refocus onto my page, looking at what I drew. It was merely a sketch, but it wasn't too bad. It was a random person, just someone I drew easily.

The eye shape, nose shape, mouth shape, body shape...all were easy for me to draw which is why I drew it so often.

I let my eyes trail over to the desk beside mine, then to the person sitting at it. Jeff's eyes were staring down at my desk, my paper specifically.

I moved my gaze back over at my paper. I looked back at him and realized I drew someone that kind of looks like him. The hair, style, body type, eyes. The only thing different was how the person had a nose and mouth.

"Why did you draw me?" Jeff's gravely voice spoke up, as harsh as it was earlier. "I didn't mean to? I mean I can't even see the bottom half of your face dude, calm down." I rolled my eyes at his rudeness.

Seriously, why in the hell would I purposely draw him? He's not exactly the most unique looking person out there.

He rolled his eyes. "Yeah, whatever. Look, I don't understand your obsession with me but you should stop while you're ahead." He kept his eyes locked onto mine, like he was trying to blow me up with his mind or something.

I smirked. "I think you're projecting a bit here, lovebug." Jeff's eyes widened a bit before he hit the table with his hand lightly. "The fuck is with the stupid pet names?"

His small outburst made a few people turn their heads to look at us. I didn't really mind it so why shouldn't I push a little further?

I leaned closer to him, resting my elbows on my knees as I looked up into his eyes. "Oh I think we both know the answer to that, honey."

Jeff scoffed, his eyes squinted a tad. "You can't just walk up in here looking that attractive and not expect me to react to it." I kept my smirk as his disgusted expression faded into a confused one, one of his eyebrows raised slightly.

I leaned a little closer, whispering words I didn't necessarily mean. "If we weren't in a class filled with other people right now, I'm not sure I'd be able to control myself around you." I pulled back, taking in his expression.

The way the tip of his ears reddened, and the way his eyes widened; the way he was left utterly speechless. I knew I got in his mind, exactly like I wanted.

Teasing people has got to be my favorite thing to do. Some people think you're being a dick when you do that, but I really don't care. It's fun, especially when the other person isn't expecting it.

"Alright, class. Today we're going to do a simple word search of the American presidents since it's the first day." I didn't even realize the teacher walked in. Nor did I realize how everyone else was here or how many of them were listening. The giggling from some of the girls and the way a few of them had smiles on their faces proved just how many there were.

I sat back in my seat and turned my attention to the front of the class. The silence from the man beside me kept the smile on my face from fading away.

2:50pm

Sixth period went by all too quickly, as it was Art- my favorite class of the day. It was a simple assignment, a self portrait in your own style.

Xander shares that class with me. It bums me out a bit that we only have two classes together, but that probably won't bum me out for too much longer.

Xander barely spoke a word to me, keeping his attention on the girls that were constantly surrounding him. I drew even when I was done with my assignment.

He didn't come up to me once. The only time we talked was when I did it. I asked him if he'd want to hang out after school, but he shut me down quickly with "Nah, sorry dude. I'm gonna be "hanging out" with Jade tonight if you get what I mean," and ended it with a wink.

It felt degrading. Obviously I'm not oblivious to his sex life and whatnot, but he never makes time for his best friend. I don't want to dwell on it though.

I walked out of school, taking my bike and getting on it. I looked around to make sure I wouldn't get run over or something and started making my way back home.

As much as I hate it, I have to go straight home. My lack of friends really gets to me sometimes, especially with the fact I'm starting to lose the one I thought I never would.

3:15pm.

I leaned my bike against the house and stared at the white door in front of me. I chewed at my lip nervously. I know I have to, so I push myself to put the keys into the doors and unlock it.

I opened the door and locked it behind me. "How was school?" I heard my dad speak up from the couch.

"It was alright," I replied simply, going to the kitchen. "Ah, it was just school, huh?" His voice was loud enough the neighbors could probably hear him.

"Yeah." I threw away some trash, including the stupid drawing I made in History. I took a water bottle out of the fridge and went back into the living room.

"God, why are you so hateful to me?" My dad asked. I sighed, rubbing the bridge of my nose in annoyance.

I can't stand this already. "How am I being hateful?" I asked. "The way you act." I looked at him, rolling my eyes.

"How do I act?" "You know how you're acting." "No I don't," I made my way to my room, putting my backpack down and sitting on my bed. I took my phone out, plugging it in.

"Don't walk away when I'm talking to you." I looked up and there he was, at my doorway.

I closed my eyes, trying to calm myself down a bit. "What do you want?"

"Why are you being so rude to me?" He pushed. "I'm not being rude to you." Fuck I hate this. "Yes you are."

Why won't he just stop? "God, can't you just leave me alone?" I opened my eyes, staring directly at him.

His jaw dropped open and his eyes furrowed into a frown. "The hell did you just say to me?"

He walked forward, causing me to flinch back into my bed. "Why'd you do that? You know I'm not in the habit of hitting you."

Doesn't mean I like when you get close to me. "What did I do? What's your problem with me?" He insisted.

"I don't have a problem with you." I groaned. I don't want to deal with this today. "Yes, you do but fine, don't tell me. I'll just call your mother to come get you."

I stayed silent. I wanted to tell him fine, whatever will get me away from you, but that would keep him talking.

He finally left my room, so I got up and closed the door. I sighed, turning back to my bed and walking over. I took a sip of my water and sat down again.

I took my phone and went to spotify, turning on my favorite playlist. The sound of My Chemical Romance's I don't love you filled the room.

I lay back in my bed, staring up at the ceiling. I started thinking about what happened today. I met three people: a girl that seems nice but I only share one class with, a guy who's sweet but I don't have any classes with, and a guy that wants nothing to do with me that I have three classes with.

And of course, Xander. We hung out all but three times this past summer. Three times. In less than three months. And he barely talked with me today.

I have a feeling this years gonna be shit, like always. The only difference between last year and this year is my dad's diminishing memory.

I moved my hands up to my face. I didn't realize the tears that were slowly making their way down my cheeks.

I pulled the multiple blankets on my bed over me, turning on my side and closing my eyes. I can't stand being awake any more today.

[atranswomansdiary]

Day 61

August 5, 2020

I have a couple of confessions to make. Confession time!

First: I think I may be in love. Possibly. Maybe. Probably. If I am, I’ve been for the better part of the last year or so.

My dearly beloved is called J.N. I met them the way I’ve met most of my partners—through my nerd hobbies—and, the first time I saw her, my heart ached with the pain of finding someone so beautiful that they seemed to light the room. As I got to know her better I realize that we shared many tastes, likes, interests, and even perspectives on life, the future, society, etc. She's young, though, almost a decade younger than I am, so I’d be hesitant even if there wasn’t a huge obstacle in the way of my romantic fantasies.

J.N. is in a relationship.

I met her partner the same time I met her and, truth be told, I didn’t like him one bit. It may have been jealousy, I admit, but my gut instinct told me that he wasn't a nice person. And, in fact, I quickly realized that either we didn’t like each other or we just didn’t “vibe”, as the kids say these days.

Considering what happened in my second to last relationship—with P.R.—where I interfered in her relationship with a partner because I felt like she was “the woman of my dreams”, I’m not only hesitant but outright refuse to do the same thing ever again. Not only was our relationship miserable and painful for long parts of it, I’ve always known that interfering in relationships is just plain wrong and, the one time I broke my rule, it ended up in a lot of tears and suffering and self-loathing. I won’t do it again. Not for J.N. and not for anybody else.

Besides, I really like the relationship I have with J.N. right now. We’re good friends, we confide, and we support each other. What more could I ask? If she ever ends her relationship, maybe then I could consider confessing my feelings for them... But not before they’re in a position to start a new relationship.

So, giving this context, I think my following confession—the second and last for the day, I think—will make a little bit more sense.

I told J.N. that I’m "considering transitioning".

I can’t remember exactly how it all came about, but we were discussing how we were dealing with the solitude and isolation of the pandemic, and what new sources of pleasure or happiness have we discovered since the lockdown began, and I just blurted it out without thinking.

I had a few moments of panic—we were sending each other voice messages—as they were recording their reply but, once it came through, it was better than anything I could have hoped for! She was so understanding and supportive and warm and affectionate! I was over the moon and started telling her all about it, everything that has happened to me since the recurring dream with L.M. and the daydream and the things I’ve thinking about and the joy of the genderbent photo of Day 24 and well… Everything. I poured my heart and soul, my dreams and hopes and fears, the bundled mess that I am, into those messages.

And J.N. was so kind and caring and nice to me. She not only accepted me; I felt like she embraced me. Even celebrated me. She made me feel like the idea of transitioning is not so impossible after all. I’m not saying that it is possible now but, with people like this at my side, supporting me and, dare I say, loving me? Everything looks possible.

Even transitioning my 34-year-old ass.

The interesting part, of course, is that I told her first, before any of my other friends. J.N. is my newest friend; as I mentioned before, we met only a year or so ago. Still, I’ve felt such a connection and closeness with her that I cannot but suspect that she’ll be someone very important to me, not only now but in the future. Especially so if I decide to transition.

Even imagining that turning into a reality sends a shiver down my spine and makes me sweat. Before I would’ve said that it was pure fear and terror, but I think I detect more and more the presence of hope and faith in a future I cannot even envision.

May it'll one day be true and not the stuff of dreams.

Until then, with love,

ZZ

[timelessxmemories]

❛⠀⠀🪽﹔aerith gainsborough ﹒shift intro

➽ " we need to make the most of the time we have — to live our lives the way we wanna live. every minute... every moment, matters "﹒⠀🕊

「 ✦ aerith , aeri , ria , rita — she / they ✦

☁️⠀ @satyrsystem ﹒ @spareeees ﹒ @the-wammys-house

﹒ ➽ more info under the cut !

﹒ 🌸 ; ⠀Hi there! I'm Aerith Gainsborough! Most, if not all of you know me by Kratos, previously C and/or Crow! This is a shift of mine I've had for years now! Longer then most if not all of my shifts, including my consistent Kratos shift! I've actually had this shift since I was 8 years old, I've just never noticed until recently! <- that seems to be a recurring theme on my end...

﹒ 🌸 ; ⠀This shift youre seeing now, is the most, if not always prominent! It usually makes me seem way more energetic, hyper, very happy-go-lucky, and super optimistic! Because what's life if you're not living it to the fullest, right?

﹒ 🌸 ; ⠀There is also a split of me within the system who too, is Aerith! She's also really sweet and very kind! If you see her around, say hi, okay?

﹒ 🌸 ; ⠀I go by she/they pronouns within this shift and my gender identity is incredibly fluid, so I'm absolutely genderfluid if you were curious!

﹒ 🌸 ;⠀ I really adore flowers, gardening, a good book and conversations! I consider myself to be a social butterfly and I'm always willing to help others out and I'm always willing to make new friends along the way! So don't be afraid to drop on by and say hello!

﹒ 🌸 ; ⠀My aesthetic switches fairly frequently, but most of the time, if not all the time, my main aesthetics are typically; kidcore, grunge, and very cutesy and soft aesthetics!

﹒ 🌸 ; ⠀This is by all means not a roleplay account, I am genuinely this character and I'd appreciate it very much if you respected this! I'm also many other characters, but I'm not going to be making an intro post for them because then we'd be here all day, and I'd much rather prefer to stick to one post for my most prominent and consistent shift!

﹒ 🌸 ; ⠀Most would describe my personality as fun-loving, energetic and playful! But I can also be pretty shy and rather introverted, despite me being a social butterfly! But don't let that stop you from saying hi! I promise! I'm really nice when you get to know me!

﹒ 🌸 ; ⠀Polyamorous and Pansexual throughout all my shifts, by the way! That doesn't change at all! I have many spouses and I love them all so very much, they genuinely don't understand how much they mean to me!!

﹒ ☁️ ; ⠀Source wise, I remember dating Tifa and Cloud! So all you claerith, cloti, and aerti shippers, it's canon. All three are canon. We are very happy!! I also remember meeting Vau after meeting Biggs, (kind of funny, because I am also Biggs) and after Biggs' death, if I remember correctly, I helped Vau out of the rut and depression he got stuck in. We hit it off and next thing you know, another partner has been added to the list! I don't know if he was also dating Tifa and Cloud, I don't think he was, I think it was just me! Either way, I love those three very much and if you have a problem with it, blehhhh!!!

﹒ ☁️ ; ⠀Me and Vau were the more "rambunctious" of the group, funnily enough! We always stuck together and agreed that wherever we went, chaos would follow!!!

﹒ ☁️ ;⠀ Vau did get sick a lot which also meant the group had to stop pretty frequently for however long, but that was okay! As long as Vau was okay and healthy then so were we! I'd take care of him as much as I possibly could with the help of the others! And he'd do the same!

﹒ ☁️ ; ⠀I remember when I went on stage and sang for the whole world to hear, he sat in the front row, bright eyed and bushy tailed! He looked so happy and proud that I couldn't help but feel like I did something right and I felt really happy that he was so happy!

﹒ ☁️ ;⠀ He couldn't really fight alongside the group so he was mostly just the healer and the provider whenever we needed something! He was also there to keep us company, and overall he was our best friend and he became apart of the family just as he was with Avalanche

﹒ 🌸 ; ⠀There are a lot more memories I have with Vau and company, but I know that if I keep going on and on, this introduction will never end! So that's all I'm going to write for now! Thank you for reading!!♡

[morethanwonderful]

Rereading and really thinking about page 82/the title page after not looking at early Homestuck for a long time makes me feel unhinged. I know the page has been analyzed to death but god there really is just so much in there thematically to unpack.

From more or less the first moment that both concepts come up in Homestuck, wind and loneliness are tied together. It's partly a joke about John being melodramatic about the desolation of his empty mailbox, but it's also the core of his entire character.

John is the Heir of Breath. He's all about freedom and individuality on a symbolic level and wind on a literal level. And as we see time and again, the inherent price of his power is that achieving freedom also cuts him off from others. He's the opposite of blood and bonds. He becomes unmoored from reality and can retcon his own story, teleporting to where and whenever he pleases across the multiverse, but it comes at the cost of relocating to a new timeline where his friends have all shared a reality different than his. And that's just one example.

For John, the aspect of freedom and wind comes at the cost of isolation. Wind is the space that keeps neighbors apart.

Hell, you could even say something about the fact that it's specifically the wind in the gaps between suburban homes that brings up the imagery of desolation. On one hand, talking about loneliness alongside suburbia is an old trope, and for good reason. American suburban architecture and city planning is designed to put people in nuclear family bubbles and isolate them from their communities (and god forbid, anyone outside their immediate community). So the isolating wind in the gaps between picket fence houses is a classic image.

But also, it's really fitting for the specific sense of loneliness that John experiences.

Lots of Homestuck characters have loneliness as a major recurring theme. Even among just the beta kids, Jade's isolation is even more iconic than John's. She spends most of her life alone on an island with just her dog, and in the retcon, she spends three years alone on the ship between realities. She's constantly isolated by great gaps of physical space (heh) between her and the people she cares about.

John's isolation is different. He's never so cut off as Jade from the people he loves, but there's always some gap between them. He has a loving father that he often feels adversarial toward as a kid, and their conflict circa John's thirteenth birthday is in large part because of the harlequin misunderstanding. Dad Egbert is right there in the same house loving John, but there's a fundamental disconnect, and he fails to understand something major about his son.

Plus, we never see any mention of John having friends in his offline life. From his attitude toward himself (constant self-mockery) and the lack of any reference to him having friends that die in the apocalypse, he probably lives a pretty lonely life at school. He's a goofy nerdy insecure kid that can't connect with his peers and has to turn to faraway friends on the internet. Classic suburban isolation.

And it's the same in post-canon! John doesn't have to be cut off from his friends! He can fly and teleport and call/text them any time he wants. There's nothing subjecting him to physical isolation. All the loneliness of his depression is social and psychological. He's living on an empty suburban street—lonely while surrounded by people.

Genuinely, I don't know if there's a better image for him and his arc than the wind that blows through the gaps between cookie-cutter houses. The breeze keeping neighbors apart.

[myovergrowngarden]

Recurring Nightmare (a narrative prose poem by Stephanie Rose Hold, originally published by Fifth Wheel Press for their Dreamland Anthology)

I’ve been having the same nightmare every week since I realized I was transgender. I’m somewhere familiar, somewhere I’ve felt joy and safety in the past. A mall, the mountains, or more likely Disneyland. I’m wandering, looking for something. A new set of clothing, my friends, a quiet place to stop and rest. It doesn’t matter what I’m searching for, it’s always something arbitrary. What is significant is that I never find it. I don’t think I was meant to. Instead, I was only meant to want, to wander, to have a motive to be alone and vulnerable. Now that my mind has set the stage, the nightmare can begin. The final players make their way onto the proscenium. A mob of my old friends starts pouring onto the scene. They don’t approach like a band of marauders pillaging and crashing their way through crowds, nor like a dragon streaking through the sky and promising oblivion. I start to notice them slowly out of the corner of my eye. Old friends from my childhood who I fell out with over politics, old acquaintances from church who I began to bond with before I fell from grace. People who would only recognize me by a name I no longer speak.

The only thing worse than seeing them again is seeing the spark of something in their eyes. A flash of recognition, the familiarity of a feature or a habit through which they notice me. I quickly move away, averting my gaze and trying to fix my hair in case it looks too much like it used to. Of course I am followed. It would be naive to expect that I could get away so easily. They continue to pursue me no matter how many crowds I weave between, how many narrow pathways I duck through. They’re relentless in their pursuit, unafraid of any consequence so long as they can lock eyes with me and confirm their theories. I hear their voices calling a name. A name that should be mine in their understanding. I don’t respond, that isn’t me, that never was me. I keep moving, hoping that eventually they’ll stop searching for someone who only existed in their eyes. They don’t. I never reach freedom, it’s just hours of the chase until I run out of places to hide. Eventually, moments before I jolt awake, they catch me. Either they dart in front of me, force me to make eye contact, or I am pulled back as I feel their hands tighten on my shoulder. One way or another, night after night, I am forced to look them in the eyes and let them make their judgements.

They’re the same. No matter how much I’ve changed, no matter how differently I dress or carry myself, they’re unchanged. Maybe they’re taller, stronger, louder, but they’re the same. Their souls are perpetually immature even as their bodies grow to intimidating proportions. For as much as I want to criticize them for that, or sneer up at them with superiority knowing that I found a way to grow and see the world without the tinted glasses they’ve welded to their faces, I can’t. I can’t feel any confidence, or pride, or safety, because for as much as I think I’ve changed they recognized me. It doesn’t matter that I’ve become my own woman. It doesn’t matter that I’ve found my sense of style, my voice, my community. It doesn’t matter that I’m kinder, smarter, better than I was before. How could any of that matter, how could any of that be real if they recognized me so easily? In an instant I’m no longer a confident, grown woman who loves her life. I’m a fifteen year old boy who hates himself, the world, and everyone he knows, and he doesn’t know why. I’m a pathetic, immature shell built up to protect a girl who wasn’t ready to see the world, except this time there’s no one inside. It was all a lie, I’m a lie, I’m… asleep.

I wake up. I always do. It doesn’t take me long to adjust, to remember that I live in a new city in a new room decorated just how I like it. How I really like it. I curse myself knowing I’ve failed to conquer the fear of running into them again, as if they’d be able to drag me back to an ancient way of thinking with so much as a look of disapproval. Even if I am back in the real world, that nightmare walks with me every day. I avoid the places we used to hang out, I’m cautious where I make my identity known, and who I’m with when I do it. I look over my shoulder and stick close to the ones I trust every time I dare to leave the house in my favorite dress. The day that I see them again, the day that these fears are validated hasn’t come. If I’ve crossed paths with them, they didn’t recognize me and I didn’t recognize them. I hear stories about them, I know they haven’t changed much. With enough time and distance from my dreams I allow myself to believe that I have. I am a better and happier person than I was growing up, I’m a woman fully realized with room to grow and shift. For a few days, I’m myself. Until I have the nightmare again, and like so many things in my life, the performance starts again from the first line.

[rosalind-hawkins]

Euroshipping Musings

Footnotes are below the cut because my parentheses were starting to look ridiculous.

I have this headcanon/recurring trope in my fics(1) of Ryou being Mokuba's not-babysitter. I've figured out where this came from. When Mokuba gets his soul back in Pegasus' castle, Ryou is the one holding him when he wakes up, and I guess I always imagined our Baby Kaiba imprints on Ryou like a duckling. Kaiba doesn't want his brother spending so much time alone only with KC employees or household staff, but Mokuba's a little old for a babysitter(2). Kids his own age aren't too much of an option for one reason or other(3) and most of the dweeb patrol are insufferable to Kaiba, but Ryou is one that's never once tried to lecture him or expressly criticized him, so Kaiba picks him as a companion/caretaker for Mokuba. Ryou thinks of it as being a nanny, but would never use that word around either Kaiba.

Ryou starts spending a lot of time at the Kaiba Mansion, and since he reports directly to Kaiba, he gets a peek at his more personal side, and all of his bad habits: insomnia, caffeine addiction, workaholism. He starts out by doing little things for him, like sneakily switching out his coffee for decaf in the evenings. The more comfortable he gets with Kaiba (who acts unexpectedly chill when he's not in a combative situation and feeling threatened), and this comfort results in him actually scolding Kaiba for his bad habits, trying to correct them and save him from himself. In his mind, he's taking care of both Kaibas now.

Seto starts to really take notice of Ryou a little while after this starts, and he tries asking him why Ryou is doing these thigs for him. It's not part of his job. He gets to the heart of the issue and asks why Ryou is acting like he cares, and Ryou says it's because he does care. Seto just asks why(4) and Ryou struggles to explain. Confessions for these two are never easy or smooth, it takes a little awkwardness and discomfort to be completely honest about feelings and say what they're really trying to say. Kaiba doesn't necessarily reciprocate right away, not externally, but they do get together because Ryou is a calming, caring presence in a home that didn't see a lot of that for a long time, and because Seto realizes how nice it can be to let yourself be cared for, and that he'd miss Ryou if he ever left.

It's not a fiery passionate love (though they do grow into the passionate stuff) but it starts out as something very domestic, very simple. It's two hurt people recognizing each other and approaching with caution and care, and finding a way to fit into each other's lives. Learning how to lean on each other, just a little bit at a time, until one day they wake up and realize they can't imagine a life without the other person there. It's Seto realizing how cold his life would be without giving Ryou's bedhead a goodbye kiss in the morning and the scent of his tea in his office and a lint-roller full of long white hairs dusted off his suits sitting on the bathroom counter. It's Ryou realizing that he's found a new family for himself and how dear it is to him, and how he hopes this never ends because he found a place where he feels safe and loved and doesn't know if he could do this all over again.

My very first Euroshipping story(5) was based around this whole idea of Ryou babysitting Mokuba, and it just snuck its way into my other stories too.

I even put this trope in Rock Bottom where Ryou is Mokuba's babysitter, though the circumstances there are wildly different

or not, I play with the age difference for the Kaibros sometimes

either Mokuba is homeschooled, or he's just as suspicious of friendship as his older brother is, or he just gets into fights at school anytime people talk shit about his big bro (that's another trope of mine), so true friends are a little hard to come by

I swear I have three different scenes for two different fics (one is a deleted scene) of someone confessing their feelings to Kaiba and him asking them why because this boy can't understand why someone would like him on a personal level. It comes with the territory of being generally bad at emotions; it also comes with the territory of every version of Kaiba I write being traumatized to some degree, but that's gonna get its own post.

That fic is only posted on FFN, where all my oldest stuff is. I didn't think it was good enough to cross-post to AO3.