#and feeling that old but always recurring longing for new friends

[e77y]

The visceral and hungering loneliness is back. You know what that means! Bedtime

[selenitesdawn]

Temperance (1/3)

pairing: wanda maximoff x female!reader plot: Your best friend Kate convinced you to do charity work in Sokovia with some of your old classmates, including your former bully Vision and his girlfriend Wanda Maximoff, who you inconveniently took too much of a liking in. warnings: 18+ !! minors dni. wanda is with vision... also, suggestive content I guess word count: 1115

Patience is a virtue. Patience is the solution. These have been your only thoughts for days now. From a self-imposed affirmation to a recurring echo in your head, this reminder is all you had to get through the situation at hand. What else could you do? Keep trying to ignore your desire? The craving that has kept you awake for days and nights?

The thing is, you may be able to trick your brain for a while. Convince yourself that the way her nose wrinkles when she grins doesn't do anything to you. That the way her middle and ring finger draw the same patterns over and over again on the pages of her book whenever she is deep in thought, doesn't stir something inside of you. That the muffled moans coming from her and Vision's room at night don't bother you. Your brain has managed to lie to itself for a long time, but you can no longer ignore what Wanda is doing to you. So instead of denying your feelings, you decided that you have to sit through them. Until you can finally leave this place.

You weren't planning on pining after your old classmate's girlfriend, but here you were. Miles away from home, locked up with the constant reminder that you can never be with Wanda the way you want to. Originally, the three months in Sokovia were supposed to fulfill you. You just wanted to take care of the local street dogs with your best friend Kate. Do something good. That was it.

“Come on y/n, you've always had a heart for street animals,” your best friend said to you at the time. Back then she turned up at your door without a warning and told you about this great trip Vision had planned.

“Kate, I barely got anything done last semester. I can't waste another one. Besides, my boss never gives me that long of a vacation.”

You knew Kate wouldn't leave your apartment until you said yes. You could tell by the way her eyes were gleaming. How she slightly bend over the table you were sitting at, her gaze not leaving you for one second. Of course, the whole thing is much easier for Kate. Her mother is filthy rich. Kate can basically do whatever she wants. She could disappear for one year, travel the world with money she didn't earn and wouldn't have to worry about her life back home for one moment. You don't have that luxury.

“Think about it. First of all, you do something that fulfills you. Besides, I know you y/n. You haven't wanted to work in that rancid bakery for months. We'll find something new for you afterwards. Not to mention that volunteering to help street dogs for three months looks great on your CV. Plus: I heard Vision rented a mansion”

Vision. The name alone triggered something in you. Vision is not only the son of the famous billionaire Tony Stark, but also a giant asshole. Before Vision knew you were friends with Kate, he took every opportunity to trigger you in some way. Like standing in front of your locker with his group of followers for no reason, just so you couldn't get to it. The worst thing he ever did was probably when he stole your notebook and read out loud in class what you had written about your former classmate Natasha. Some cheesy and cringe poem you managed to suppress from your memories. From that day on, it wasn't just the whole school that knew you liked women. You also were never able to look Natasha in the eye again. But Vision somehow always managed to come out of it okay. His reputation was disgustingly squeaky clean.

“It's so weird imagining Vision doing something voluntarily that doesn't serve only himself. Are you sure he isn't just joking?,” you had asked back then.

“I think he has really changed since high school. Besides, his girlfriend is originally from Sokovia and I think it was her idea? I don't know for sure. But please, y/n, join me. I'd do anything to spend more than an hour a week with my best friend. And this is a once in a lifetime opportunity! Vision specifically asked if you want to join.”

You've never been able to deny Kate a wish. But also, it's never led you into such a miserable situation before. So this is where you were. In a villa far too grand for it to feel like a prison. Besides Vision, Wanda and Kate, there were two other old classmates; Steve and Bucky. Living together turned out to be easier than you thought, especially considering the fact that Vision was there. But your feelings for Wanda kept causing you problems. Whenever the redhead came near you, you started to stumble over your words. One long look alone could throw you completely off balance. But it was even worse when she smiled at you. When she listened to you and her head slightly tilted at the same time. Or when you were cooking and she suddenly appeared behind you, her hand softly placed around your waist and her head set down on your shoulder.

“What are you blessing us with this evening?,” she inquired with an almost teasing tone in her voice.

Before you were able to even articulate anything, she took her free hand, slid it along your arm and took the wooden spoon out of your hand.

“May I?,” her voice dangerously low, as she already moved the spoon towards her mouth, looking straight at you. You just gulped and managed a small nod as Wanda put the spoon in her mouth, her gaze never leaving you as she sucked it clean. Her green eyes were barely visible as her dilated pupils covered them almost completely. A soft moan escaped from her lips as she handed the spoon back to you.

“You're so good at this y/n,” Wanda groans, her hand which still holds onto your waist making its way to your lower back, smoothly slipping under your loose t-shirt. The cold rings on her fingers on your warm skin immediately sent shivers down your spine. Her pinky slightly slipped under the waistband of your sweatpants before she left you standing alone in the kitchen.

She must do this on purpose. There is no other way.

You thought to yourself. But what was the use? Either you are right and she does it on purpose or you are wrong and project your fantasies onto her. In both cases, it is best to simply stay away from Wanda. Because there is no way you don't end up completely fucked. Right?

: Part 2

[enriquemzn262]

Talking about anime, time to mention the shows I’m watching this season:

Dandadan

I remember trying the manga when it first came out, dropped it after the second chapter since I fucking hate high school shit, but the anime looked well animated and the intro kicks ass, so I gave it a second chance and hooooly shit, it’s really fucking good! The start is indeed sloppy, but once aliens and spirits make their debut, it’s all uphill from there!

Great animation, characters and fight scenes galore, plus a surprisingly heartfelt and tragic story in the seventh episode, 10/10 so far!

Ranma 1/2

I grew up with the OG series, so it holds a special place in my heart, and man if the remake hasn’t disappointed me in the slightest! Great animation, amazing music, the characters feel even more charming than before, and even Akane got toned down from her bitchy self I still clearly remember from way back when.

Apparently the adaptation is much closet to the manga than the OG series, hence why it has faster pacing and somewhat more mellowed characters, and after reading that that means that piece of shit happosai is no longer becoming a recurring nightmare, I can honestly say I’m even more excited for this one !

Dragon Ball Daima

I’m latino, if I don’t watch this I’ll be banned from ever enjoying arepas again… Naw, I’ve been watching Dragon Ball for basically all my life, so of course I have to watch this one, plus OG DB was always my favorite, and this one truly captures the essence of that story!

Also, since its kid Goku again, his stupidity, which Super turned up to 11 for no good reason, finally makes in-universe sense, so that’s another plus!

TsumaSho

What everyone, myself included, wrote off as yet another ultra degenerate anime, this time about a dead wife reincarnating as a 10-year okd child, turned out to be quite the wholesome, if ultimately tragic (especially after the last episode ) series about a broken family of a dad and an adult daughter slowly recovering from 10 years of grief and darkness after the said death wife AND mother comes back and basically tells them “time to get your shit together you stupid idiots”, which, they do.

The mom character is the best, as while she’s reconnecting with her old family, she has to deal with her new one in the form of a broken divorced mom who keeps unintentionally hurting her, all because her own home life was a living nightmare, while her love life is nothing but betrayals.

It sorta reminds me of the weird telenovelas I used to watch at a friend’s house, but in a good way, don’t let the weird premise drive you off, it is not perverted in the slightest!

And that’s about it! I tried another anime about a slime girl, dropped it one episode in (I didn’t like its humor), then another about a sentient robot arm thing, dropped it after the third episode (mainly because the tone was all over the place), and another about the fan of a magical girl accidentally becoming evil, kinda like THAT degenerate anime from the beginning of the year, only not degenerate, gave it a try because of that, turned out to be the most boring shit I’ve ever watched in a long while.

Honestly, this season has been weak in terms of number of good shows, but man the ones that are actually good are FANTASTIC!

[magugbigug]

My Analysis of Voltron: Legendary Defender and Its Legacy - in Particular Regards to Keith and Lotor.

My father introduced me to Voltron: Defender of the Universe when I was four years old, around 2010, because he grew up with it in the 80s. Voltron became my first real obsession. When I was about ten, DreamWorks announced that they would be partnering with Netflix to remake my favourite show. Naturally, I was excited. But when I finally watched Voltron: Legendary Defender (LD), I was confused.

At the time, I didn’t know about Beast King GoLion, so I was full of questions: Who’s Shiro? Where’s Sven? Why did they change Arus to Altea? Why isn’t Keith in the Black Lion? I cannot tell you how furious ten-year-old me was when I discovered they had given the Voltron Force the “wrong” Lions (Lance in Blue? Preposterous). After Season One, I actually quit watching because it felt so far removed from what I knew (they made Pidge a girl? How dare they!). It wasn’t until Season Eight had already been released for quite some time that I went back to give it another go. It was… alright.

I’m not new to Voltron, but I am new to fandom, and Tumblr—only recently realising that you can talk to people about your interests over the internet instead of just in the schoolyard (my friends got so bored of me talking about Voltron). So what I’m about to discuss may already be old news, but these are my thoughts on Legendary Defender and how it compares to Voltron’s legacy.

The Role of the Black Lion and Leadership

Whilst scouring the tags, I’ve seen a recurring debate within the Voltron fandom regarding whether Keith should have been in the Black Lion or gone back to Red. Some argue that he was unfit for the position, but this perspective overlooks the franchise’s long-standing tradition. Since Defender of the Universe in the 1980s, Keith has been the Black Lion’s pilot and the leader of the team. The Black Lion has always been the heart of Voltron, piloted by the one who holds the team together and leads them into battle.

To claim Keith isn’t fit for the Black Lion is to disregard not only his character arc but also the very structure of Voltron as a franchise. From the very beginning, Keith has been the pilot of the Black Lion, just as Optimus Prime has always been the bearer of the Matrix of Leadership in Transformers. The Black Lion choosing Keith in Legendary Defender is a natural continuation of a forty-year tradition, not a sudden or undeserved shift.

However, LD wrote itself into a corner by bringing Shiro back and sidelining Keith for almost two seasons. While this allowed for Krolia’s introduction and the addition of the space wolf, which I enjoyed, it disrupted Keith’s development as a leader. Instead of organically growing into his role, Keith’s transition to leadership felt abrupt and underdeveloped. Previous versions of Voltron, such as Defender of the Universe and Voltron Force, dedicated time to showcasing Keith’s leadership qualities, making his role as the Black Lion’s pilot feel more natural. By contrast, LD’s decision to remove him from the team for an extended period created an inconsistent leadership structure that ultimately weakened his arc.

The Absence of Voltron in Voltron

One of my biggest issues with Voltron: Legendary Defender is how little the titular ‘character’ actually appears in the show. There are entire story arcs where the audience goes multiple episodes without seeing Voltron at all. This is a stark contrast to the previous Voltron series, where the lion mechs formed Voltron at least once per episode, making the giant robot a central and consistent presence.

After reading Bob Koplar’s opinions on LD, I find myself agreeing with him. Even though I was quite young when Legendary Defender first came out, I had already seen all the previous Voltron series thanks to my father. Even then, something about LD felt off to me. It wasn’t until I read Koplar’s insights that I fully understood why—it simply didn’t feel like Voltron.

And to be clear, I’m not saying Legendary Defender is a bad show. It’s a well-produced series with high-quality animation, a solid voice cast, and some genuinely good storytelling. It also brought more awareness to a brand I love, introducing a new generation of fans to Voltron. But despite its strengths, it often felt disconnected from the essence of what made Voltron special.

In every previous iteration, forming Voltron wasn’t just a moment of spectacle—it was a core part of the show’s identity. The lions coming together, the transformation sequence, the blazing sword—these weren’t just iconic visuals; they were essential to the Voltron experience. In LD, however, Voltron often felt secondary to character-driven subplots and political intrigue, which, while interesting (most of the time), took focus away from the giant robot action that defined the franchise.

The Absence of Vehicle Voltron

Voltron: Legendary Defender was marketed as a love letter to everything that came before it—a grand tribute to the Voltron legacy. But in reality, it wasn’t.

Of course, Lion Force Voltron (adapted from Beast King GoLion) is the most well-known and beloved version of the franchise, so it makes sense that LD focused on it. But if the goal was truly to unite all Voltron ideas under one roof, then why was Vehicle Voltron (Armored Fleet Dairugger XV) completely ignored?

I understand that Vehicle Voltron is more obscure, but it was still an essential part of Voltron's history. The original plan for Voltron as a franchise was that there would be three Voltrons:

Defender of the Far Universe (Lion Force),

Defender of the Middle Universe (Vehicle Voltron),

Defender of the Near Universe (Gladiator Voltron, based on Lightspeed Electroid Albegas).

However, after Vehicle Voltron proved less popular, instead of introducing Gladiator Voltron as planned, World Events Productions doubled down on Lion Force Voltron with a second season and a TV movie, Fleet of Doom. That movie featured both Lion and Vehicle Voltron teaming up, and it remains one of the most awesome moments in Voltron's history.

If LD had truly been a love letter to Voltron, it would have acknowledged all of Voltron, not just Lion Force. It would have recognised the legacy of Vehicle Voltron and drawn from its rich history instead of awkwardly repurposing its best elements. Instead, the show attempted to reinvent Voltron while sidelining key parts of its past, losing much of what made Voltron special in the first place.

Lotor’s Redefinition: A Flawed but Ambitious Adaptation

Lotor’s characterisation in Legendary Defender marks a significant departure from his portrayal in Defender of the Universe. In DotU, Prince Lotor is a sadistic, irredeemable villain. He was a brutal conqueror, a mass murderer and a serial rapist. He saw Allura as a prize rather than a person. His cruelty extended even to his own subordinates, reinforcing his role as an unambiguous antagonist.

LD, however, attempted a more complex interpretation of Lotor, depicting him as a strategic manipulator with seemingly noble intentions. He positioned himself as a reformer of the Galra Empire, standing in opposition to Zarkon’s tyranny. This reimagining was ambitious, but the execution faltered. His eventual descent into villainy in Season 6 felt rushed, as though the writers were unsure whether to portray him as a tragic anti-hero or a monstrous antagonist.

This brings me to another major problem with Legendary Defender’s handling of Lotor. If the writers wanted to create a sympathetic, deserter, reluctant ally figure, then Lotor was the wrong character to use. In Defender of the Universe, Lotor is a sadistic, cruel warlord obsessed with conquest and domination, especially when it comes to Allura. He was never a misunderstood antihero—he was pure villainy.

A far better choice for this arc would have been Commander Hazar from Vehicle Voltron. Hazar was the noble commander of the Drule forces, who realised that his people’s war against the Galaxy Alliance was doomed and sought a peaceful resolution. He had a compelling redemption arc, going from enemy to ally as he struggled against the more ruthless elements of his own empire. But instead of introducing Hazar, LD simply took his story and gave it to Lotor—likely because Lotor was the more recognisable character.

This ultimately backfired. While a sympathetic or morally ambiguous take on Lotor could have been compelling, the series failed to develop him in a consistent manner. Instead of an outright sadistic monster, LD initially portrayed him as a cunning, strategic manipulator who appeared to have noble intentions—at least on the surface. He positioned himself as a reformer of the Galra Empire, criticising Zarkon’s rule and striving for a different vision of leadership. He surrounded himself with female generals whom he treated with apparent respect, further distinguishing him from his DotU counterpart. This version of Lotor was crafted to be more sympathetic, even charismatic, to the point that Allura herself developed feelings for him, a massive departure from the horror and revulsion she held toward him in DotU.

However, the execution of Legendary Defender’s Lotor was deeply flawed. The narrative spent seasons portraying him as a potential ally, only to suddenly reveal in Season 6 that he was not only unhinged but had been engaging in horrific experiments on Alteans. His villain turn felt rushed and unearned as if the writers couldn’t decide whether they wanted him to be a tragic anti-hero or an irredeemable monster. This abrupt shift wasn’t organic—it was the result of executive intervention. According to reports, when Bob Koplar (who oversees Voltron at World Events Productions) found out the writers were trying to make Lotor good, he stepped in and pushed them to course-correct, leading to Lotor’s sudden descent into madness and atrocities.

By trying to blend Lotor and Hazar into one character, LD weakened both. Lotor lost the defining villainy that made him iconic in past series, while Hazar’s compelling redemption story was distorted by being attached to a character with too much villainous baggage. LD wanted Lotor to be both the misunderstood antihero and the ultimate evil, but in trying to have it both ways, they ruined the integrity of his arc. The greatest casualty of Lotor’s inconsistent characterisation was Allura’s arc. Instead of developing their dynamic meaningfully, the show oscillated between presenting Lotor as sympathetic and suddenly making him irredeemably evil. In DotU, Allura despised Lotor and stood firmly against his advances, representing strength and defiance in the face of oppression. In LD, she was manipulated into trusting and even falling for him, which not only contradicted her instincts as a leader but also made her later grief and anger feel hollow due to how abruptly the story shifted Lotor back into full villainy.

The Missed Opportunity of Keith and Lotor’s Rivalry in Legendary Defender

One of the biggest missteps in Voltron: Legendary Defender, I felt, was its failure to develop Keith and Lotor’s rivalry into a meaningful, ongoing conflict. In past incarnations, particularly Defender of the Universe (DotU), Lotor viewed Keith as his greatest obstacle—not just as Voltron’s leader, but as the one standing between him and Allura. He recognised that Allura harboured feelings for Keith, which fueled his hatred and provided some of the most compelling personal conflicts in the series.

In Legendary Defender, however, Keith was largely absent for two seasons, leaving little room for an adversarial relationship with Lotor. Instead of building on their natural opposition, the show reduced their interactions to a handful of confrontations, missing an opportunity to add depth to the overarching narrative. Had Keith remained with the team instead of leaving for the Blade of Marmora, his dynamic with Lotor could have taken one of two fascinating paths—either leading to a devastating betrayal or reinforcing Keith’s instincts as the voice of reason.

Keith Trusts Lotor Completely (and is Devastated by His Betrayal)

Had Keith stayed, he might have bonded with Lotor over their shared half-Galra heritage. Throughout Legendary Defender, Keith struggles with his identity, and without the Blades to guide him, he could have been drawn to someone who truly understood what it meant to exist between two worlds. Lotor presents himself as refined, strategic, and pragmatic—qualities that might have resonated with Keith as he tried to grow into his role as a leader.

With Shiro compromised by Haggar’s manipulation and Allura torn by grief and duty, Lotor could have positioned himself as Keith’s closest confidant, someone who could help him make sense of his Galra side rather than viewing it as something to suppress. This trust, however, would have made Lotor’s eventual betrayal all the more soul-crushing. It wouldn’t just be the loss of an ally—it would be the loss of the first person who made Keith feel like he didn’t have to choose between his human and Galra lineage. Given Keith’s history of abandonment—his mother leaving, his father’s death, and Shiro’s repeated disappearances—Lotor’s deception could have broken him in a way few other betrayals could.

Instead of reacting with pure anger, Keith’s devastation could have manifested as bitter disillusionment. No longer willing to trust easily, he might have hardened himself further, becoming even more closed-off and reluctant to open up. This would have been a poignant subversion of past Voltron incarnations, where Keith and Lotor were always enemies. In DotU and Voltron Force, there was never any question of them being on the same side—Lotor was a power-hungry prince, and Keith was the noble leader standing in his way. Legendary Defender could have played with audience expectations by making Keith believe Lotor was different, only to have that belief shattered.

Keith Doesn’t Trust Lotor at All (and Becomes the Voice of Reason)

On the other hand, Keith’s blunt, no-nonsense attitude and strong instincts might have made him the first to see through Lotor’s deception. Keith is an intuitive fighter—he acts on gut feelings, and more often than not, those instincts are correct. He was the first to suspect something was wrong with Shiro, the first to push for finding the Blade of Marmora, and the first to embrace his Galra heritage when others hesitated. If Keith had remained with the Paladins, he might have immediately sensed that Lotor wasn’t as noble as he claimed.

This would have led to a compelling internal conflict within the team. Shiro (or rather, his clone) trusted Lotor. Allura, yearning for hope, wanted to believe in his sincerity. The rest of the Paladins were hesitant but willing to follow Shiro’s lead. If Keith stood alone in his distrust, it could have isolated him, forcing him into a position where he felt like an outsider even among his own team. This tension would have mirrored his past struggles with authority—just as he distrusted the Garrison and later the Blades, he would have once again found himself at odds with those around him, questioning an alliance everyone else was willing to accept.

This slow-burning antagonism between Keith and Lotor could have been an excellent way to preserve their classic rivalry. Instead of being immediate enemies, their conflict could have simmered beneath the surface—Lotor, ever the manipulator, attempting to win Keith over, while Keith steadfastly refused to be fooled. When Lotor’s true nature was finally revealed, the impact would have been far greater, as Keith would have been proven right—but at a cost. His relationship with his team could have suffered in the process, with the others only realising too late that he had been the only one who saw Lotor for who he truly was.

Both of these potential storylines would have strengthened Keith’s character arc—either by forcing him to confront betrayal on a deeply personal level or by cementing his role as an unshakable leader who sees through deception when no one else can. More importantly, they would have restored the weight of Keith and Lotor’s rivalry, making it more than just a handful of scattered battles.

Instead, Legendary Defender kept Keith and Lotor largely separate, missing an opportunity to explore their ideological clashes, personal similarities, and the devastating consequences of Lotor’s deception. By discarding their dynamic for two seasons, the show ultimately failed to capitalise on one of Voltron’s most compelling rivalries—a conflict that, in past versions, had always been at the heart of the story.

My Issue with LD’s Canon Romance

If there’s one franchise where the canon pairing didn’t work for me, it’s Voltron: Legendary Defender. Normally, I’m content with canon ships—I love Hiccstrid (How to Train Your Dragon), the Doctor and River Song (Doctor Who), Kataang (Avatar: The Last Airbender), and Anakin/Padmé (Star Wars). But in LD, the decision to end with Lance and Allura felt like a fundamental misunderstanding of Voltron as a whole.

For over thirty years, Voltron consistently paired Keith and Allura. Their romantic tension was a recurring element in Defender of the Universe (second season), The Third Dimension, Voltron Force, and even the Dynamite comics. Legendary Defender, however, sidelined their dynamic and abruptly pushed Lance and Allura together at the last minute without meaningful buildup. Their relationship lacked organic development, making it feel forced and unearned.

I, like many fans found the canon ending unsatisfying, but instead of Kallura, the most dominant ships in the fandom became Klance (Keith/Lance) and Sheith (Keith/Shiro), which honestly baffles me. Sheith, in particular, feels uncomfortable—not just because of the age difference, but because Keith explicitly refers to Shiro as his brother. Their dynamic is built on a strong mentor-protégé bond, which makes any romantic interpretation feel… wrong.

Klance is equally confusing to me. Keith and Lance spend most of the show at odds, their relationship defined by rivalry and bickering. I've seen arguments that Lance is bisexual and Keith is gay, but I could find no actual evidence in the show to support this. Lance openly flirts with multiple women (Allura, Nyma, Plaxum), but never once shows interest in men. Keith, on the other hand, isn’t depicted as romantically interested in anyone, male or female—though there are moments where he subtly notices Allura (noticed by people far smarter than myself). On my first watch, it seemed to me that the writers were setting up Keith and Acxa.

I will say that I don’t like these two ships, but it's fine if you do, I’m not judging. I’m just curious to hear from people who do ship these pairings. What is it about Klance or Sheith that resonates with you? Is there something in their dynamic that I might be missing? Maybe my perspective is limited or some gay subtext that my stupid hetero-focused brain can't process, so I’d love to understand why these ships became so popular.

Conclusion

Voltron: Legendary Defender set out to modernise and reimagine a beloved franchise, and while it succeeded in some areas, I felt it ultimately fell short in honouring Voltron’s full legacy. The series introduced fresh character dynamics, impressive animation, and ambitious storytelling, but its execution often felt inconsistent. Keith’s arc as the Black Lion’s pilot was hindered by narrative disruptions, Vehicle Voltron was ignored despite its historical significance, and Lotor’s character was muddled by conflicting portrayals. The rivalry between Keith and Lotor, a defining element of past iterations, was underdeveloped, missing a key opportunity for deeper storytelling.

Despite its flaws, LD reignited interest in Voltron for a new generation and expanded the franchise’s fanbase. It brought new perspectives to familiar characters and offered an engaging, if imperfect, reimagining of the classic series. However, by disregarding core elements of Voltron’s past, it failed to fully embrace the legacy it sought to celebrate.

Disclaimer

Everything stated in this post is purely my opinion. I’m sharing my personal thoughts and interpretations, and I understand that others may see things differently. Feel free to discuss this respectfully. Upon re-reading this, I realise it might sound a bit gatekeep-y. I'm not using this as an excuse to bash anyone else's opinions or claim my own as superior. I'm simply using it as a way to perhaps educate about what came before and understand what is now. Like what you like and don't what you don't, so long as it doesn't hurt anyone. If you’re interested in learning more about the previous Voltron series (mostly DotU), I highly recommend checking out @voltronfandomhag. They haven’t posted anything in a while, but they are an absolute treasure trove, and their insights were invaluable to me while writing this.

[kryptonbabe]

Ahhh Alright I will admit it! I haven't read any Superman comics yet.

I'm taking this as a cry for help, I see you friend and I'm giving you my hand, it's always time to start reading Supes. I'm not good giving recommendations because everyone enjoys different things, but there are a few comics that come to my mind when talking about good Superman starting points. I'll try to be super brief.

Golden Age

To answer your other question, you don't have to start from the very beginning, but you totally can start from there if you so desire. Golden age Superman got me into pre-code comics, they are, in my biased opinion, one of the best golden age comic series, the stories hold up incredibly well for their age. This Superman is still developing, a lot will change yet, but the core traits of what makes him special are already there: the compassion, the defense of the oppressed, the double identity, the importance of his journalism career and Lois Lane. The main villains of these early stories are structural oppression, the government and mobsters - so yeah, I'm a big fan. He is wild and sometime scary, but always kind.

Now for something completely different (modern compilations)

American Alien: all issues are written by the same guy with beautiful art by different and talented artists, this book compiles loosely interconnected stories centered around different periods of Clark's early life, one of my favorite Superman books, this one presents several aspects of his lore in a light but engaging way, everyone is here, Lobo is here, Batman, young Dick Grayson, Lex Luthor, Abin Sur (!)

Red and Blue: every story here has a different writer and artist, the collection highlights the idealistic and emotionally moving traits that are essential to Superman, short stories representing why this character is so dear to us

Miniseries

For all seasons: a moving character study focusing on Clark as a person, it's a beautiful book if you like Tim Sale's style, with gorgeous coloring by a team of people. The story is simple and grounded, narrated by different important characters of Clark's life, warm and melancholic, less action focused and more reflective. This has the feel of an old-school Superman, but still soft and emotional

Birthright: a retelling of Superman's origin story, this time while the emotional core of the character is there in the importance of Clark's family and friends there's a more thrilling plot. Character dynamics are the best thing here and when this is combined with the respect Waid has for this character and his ability to write fun moments the result is a really nice lively read

Recent runs

Patrick Gleason / Peter J. Tomasi (2016-2018): post-New 52 Superman, family man Clark, married with Lois and with a kid Jon to take care of, I love this era for how action packed, but still warm it is. It showcases a different Superman dynamic, a more intimate and accessible take on the character while he lives lots of different adventures with his family, you don't need to have read the New 52 stuff, just jump on this and you're good to go

Phillip Kennedy Johnson (Warwolrd Saga): another stellar and very recent run that you can jump in knowing that now Clark and Lois son is grown up and Clark is travelling to Warworld, planet of Mongul, to rescue the enslaved people he keeps there. This is a long arc and Superman is depowered for most of it, while there's not a lot of specific Superman lore regarding his origins, recurring characters and everyday life, this is a completely independent adventure that recontextualizes the core ideas of what makes Superman Superman. It's such a different scenario that you can read it without worrying about being familiarized with the characters and settings, it's all new, just enjoy the jouney, the fantastic art and the beefcake of gladiator shirtless Kal-el

This is all for now, I have lots of other Superman comics I'd like to put here, but they can be hard to navigate (like most of the arcs on the triangle era and post-John Byrne Superman, or bronze age stories that haven't been collected), or they have very specific tones that might be an acquired taste (like silver age comics, and more bronze age stuff). This is also a very personal selection, there are other good Superman comics out there, but these are my choices. I really hope you enjoy it if you decide to read any of them. Message me if you have any other question about this!

[zabala0z]

Welcome back to the first episode of “Listening to TMA S5, blind” I’m your beloved host and guys. Guys guys. I actually am freaking out.

MAG 161: Dwelling

I’m actually screaming. Hearing the old gang actually made me want to cry. SASHA. SASHA I MISSED YOU :(( also Elias: “I’d like to keep an eye out” you think you’re so fucking funny. I loved the very off key singing of Happy Birthday. Accurate. I wonder if Elias/Jonah sent the tapes for a reason. It’s definitely not to gloat. Is this apart of a wider web of manipulation? The Web style? Also, the fact Sasha could’ve been head archivist. Jesus

Hearing the description of the entities, that they don’t care enough to keep humanity fed and watered unnerved me a lot actually. I don’t know.

MAG 162: A Cozy Cabin

GERRY!!! Nice to hear him as a human, without all the ghost-like qualities. Although hearing Jon rewind the tape over and over and over and over again just made me feel bad.

And then Sasha and Tim.

“we had the ill-advised hookup, the awkward aftermath, and the gradually rebuilt friendship, but – that’s all season two stuff. We’ve got like five more seasons before we get the heartwarming epilogue that makes it canon.”

“No. You took it too far! I’m unforgettable!”

So what if I just ended it all?

Also Jon’s monologue. For a bit, I thought he was “knowing” one of Martins poems that he made during this since Martin was the one who did not like staying at the cabin but no, I was wrong. But time to see the outside world

MAG 163: In The Trenches

I wanna go back to the cabin.

I love TMA so much because of how the format switches up every season. Like season 1 was pretty simple enough with season 2 having Jon add in those supplementals and having a new setting (the tunnels). Season 3 cranks it up with having live statements from recurring characters, statements read by others, and dropping some lore. season 4, while similar to season 1 in terms of format, has Martin reading statements, more god damn lore and some new settings. And now season 5 has uh all this. It’s so amazing and I love it and I’m terrified.

Hearing Jon describe everything going on actuslly made me horrified. Like I got spooked out by the statements but this made me feel so much dread like I’m not even kidding. I also wanna know more about that weird ass doctor and the man with the red flower. Avatars of The Slaughter I presume.

Also that phone. ???? What???

MAG 164: The Sick Village

Gross. While the previous episode made me experience horror, this made me feel disgust. Disgust that just burrowed into my bones (get it. Cause..the episode-). I had such a deep instinct of repulsion. Like actually. I also read the triggers just cause you can never be too careful and I remember thinking, “how can xenophobia be involved with The Corruption?”…apparently xenophobia was very prevalent

Now I know where the whole “Martin’s middle name” thing comes from. I’m glad Basira is alive. And heart broken at the tragedy there is. She’s always chasing Daisy and Daisy is always chasing another thing SOMEBODY SEDATE ME

I think Georgie and Melanie are in the tunnels. It’s been established before that Elias can’t see in the tunnels which probably means Jon can’t see them. I’m glad they are safe. They need it.

Helen! Nice to see her again, I actually cackled when she said “check up on the happy couple”. Nice to see a confirmation about the relationship. This is like the worst time to be dating someone though 💀 Helen’s so happy. I’m sure she has a ton of people in her hallways. I don’t know if she’s lying about the “friend thing, but it’d be funny if she wasn’t

Okay. That’s everything. Sorry for the long wait, I had to take a break after season 4’s finale and then ANOTHER one after listening to the first 3 eps. This is like, actually heavy. Kinda draining. But god, I’m actually going insane.

I want to know how this is going to be fixed. Like. There’s gotta be some happy ending. ??? Right??? Please tell me there is one.

[beginning-writer]

Wip Thursday! (even though it was suppost to be wednesday!)

Thanks for the tag, @lancedoncrimsonwings! And actualy i'm gonna share a whole chapter from my first fic, which also was a Lancewain, Weeping monk x Green knight fic. (yes, i've been obsessed on them for years, no judment allowed)

I'm tagging @holy3cake again because fanfic appretiation is everything, and @warlocklawyer666 @the-tav3rn-0wner for the game!

It's a pretty average fic, not well-structured and I still didn't know how to write a story properly. I deleted it from Ao3 because I was ashamed of it and of writing fics, and my chronic anxiety only made the situation worse. Today I'm proud to be a fic freak and I admit that to anyone who asks, and of course I laugh and am proud of my origins in this world. And in fact I'm considering reposting it as a "personal monument" on Ao3 again.

The following post is 5,329 words long. Read if you fell like it and please do so without judgment. The personalities aren't entirely accurate, there are medical errors that when I reread them made me wonder if I really knew how broken bones worked, and the narrative switches characters halfway through and then back again.

Chapter 1: Not firendly, but a start.

Three hours.

Had been exactly three hours since Lancelot betrayed the church. Three hours since he killed the trinity and saved a fae child. Three hours since he was brutally bruised to save the life of a reckless boy who hated him. Everyone hated him. This was something he was sure.

It had been three long hours since he abandoned everything he was raised to fight for and believe in since the moment he were considered useful to the church. But… abandoning everything because of a single moment with the Green Knight? No. This was not what happened. In fact, that was so far from what had in on his mind.

Lancelot was not emotional or foolish enough to let his world fall apart just for the sake of a moment. But it was not even for the moment, it was just a sentence. Either way, that was not why he fell. That was not why he let himself fall.

He did this because the Green Knight didn't smell like lies. He was not bad like the horrible demons, that he called his church brothers, that he's living whit since he has ten years old. No. He was good and kind. Even though the former monk was lost, he still considered him as a brother, because of course they are all brothers, but it did not smell like a lie when it came out of his mouth.

The boy, Percival, or Squirrel, as he preferred to be called, were just a small and more inconsequential image of someone he knew as a child at his vision. Maybe a little like the Knight, but much more like someone else.

Lancelot could not let all the atrocities that happened to him happen to another child. The idea that this could ever happen had always made him queasy.

Even though he was denying it, he really did not want, never wanted in fact, to hurt the boy or any other child. But especially never him. He was special, and he knew it from the moment he saw him for the first time. It was impossible to look at him and imagine his body on the brink of death without hurting himself by doing it, and feeling such a bitter taste in his mouth that it made him want to vomit.

The boy could be anything, but like other people he certainly was not.

Oh, how his brother would have loved him. This was a recurring thought in his mind during the ride.

The fight brought serious consequences. By now, the designated person should have read the letter he left. He could never come back. All that left for him was to accept what he had done and take care of the boy who was strangely quiet.

The fight was not bad just for the church. He was not feeling well either. His body was full of blood and had new wounds. But it could have been much more. It could be death. Which somehow did not seem so bad. Because now, death seemed just like an old friend who visited him often. Its cold smell of wet oak was very comforting and very strong too.

His body was aching and collapsing in on itself, but he still tried not to lean too much on the boy. Putting the full weight of your body on him felt wrong. Everything felt wrong, just as everything hurt. Both things had been going on for too long for it to become unbearable.

The guilt, uncertainty and pain finally meeting in your mind making your head pound and making everything worse.

Yeah, death definitely did not seem that bad right now.

The ribs was the most damage. It was worse, but the blood had hardened, limiting blood loss from some of the newly wounds. Due to the broken ribs, his lungs also hurt a lot. Each breath was torture, as if a thousand needles were pricking his lungs every time he tried to breath. The hot air going in and out of his nostrils made his lungs burn.

Apart from the large opening, the shoulder only appeared to be dislocated. The cut was deep, but it did not look like anything he could not fix on his own. Just a few bandages would be enough. If he did not use his arm too much he could recover easily in a few weeks, and even if he had to use it, he would still recover faster than normal people would.

He could handle it. He could handle a lot. Considering he was raised for this.

Percival was quieter than usual. Probably trying to understand what happened a few hours ago. Or maybe he just didn’t want to talk to the person responsible for killing everyone he knew and loved, including the one he admired most, the green knight.

The Green Knight. He was the greatest hope of all the fae and an image to be followed by children and teenagers. The figure who brought peace and even without a word said that they could sleep peacefully. And the monk killed him. This was definitely something he could not forget or ignore.

He had not said a word after they left the camp. His thoughts were too confused to form a sentence, and the proof of this was that the monk who had spoken for the first time asking his name. But now the monk, or Lancelot, as he would have to get used to calling him now, did not seem that different from his situation, since he also had not spoken a word since they both said their real names.

It was strange to being so long without talking to someone. Squirrel was used to being the most talkative, the person that others asked to calm down when he talked too much, something that was not very difficult for him to do usually. Squirrel always liked to talk and that was good, it was not a defect, so it did not need to be hidden or resolved.

A lot had happened in a short time. The paladins captured Gawain and tied him to a chair to be tortured, he tried to rescue him, but the knight refused the help because he knew he was on the verge of death, and also for Percival's own safety. While was running out of the camp he was caught and taken to be tortured, and almost was if the former monk hadn't saved him. Lancelot took him out of the torture chair and saved him, but got caught taking him out of the camp, then fought against the trinity so that he would come out alive, abandoning everything he knew and fighting only for him. And above that. He discovered that Lancelot, the Weeping Monk, responsible for the nightmares of many and the deaths of hundreds more, was, in fact, a fae.

Lancelot was not just a fae, he was from a folk who had left British lands centuries ago. No one knew for sure why they left. There were several legends and theories about why this happened, but nothing and no one to confirm it. All they knew was that they had left and taken their secrets with them, and had no plans to return. And if they did, it certainly would not be so soon.

Riding in silence did not seem to be a problem for Lancelot, maybe he even preferred it, but the endless silence was getting on Squirrel's nerves. He didn't want to and had no idea how to talk to the man, recently his ex-enemy, behind him. But the doubt was nagging at his head. "Why?”

Why of so many children, so many good and important people, so many who also deserved to be saved. Why among so many did he choose him? He was just one among the rest in the eyes of the paladins. At least it should be.

Of course, he did not see himself as the other brats at his age. Squirrel was more courageous and determined, ran and fought better too. He spoke without fear. If his only weapon were his voice, then he would gladly use it until the last second.

Particularly, he thought he was better than others were.

Maybe it was it. Maybe Lancelot had seen him the same way Squirrel sees himself, but it was really leaving a question mark in his head. He wanted to ask, but it was not the right time, maybe later. Or maybe he would figure it out on his own, or the man would let it out on his own and he would not have to ask. Anyway, the silence still was uncomfortable and annoying.

Lancelot on the other hand, was just a little uncomfortable with the situation. He never had a fae so close to his nostrils since he was a child and lived with others just like him. The silence was good. He was used to the silence from always traveling alone. It also helped him focus on any noise other than his creaking bones.

One of the good parts of riding alone was know exactly where to spend the night or not. Places that went unnoticed or that no one would imagine anyone could stay in. It was perfect, and his favourites too. No one but Goliath for company. But now he would have to get used to not staying or traveling alone.

Lancelot always trusted his horse, and his horse always trusted him. It didn't take much to direct it, even when its owner was injured. He grabs Goliath's reins and easily guides it off the trail. Within a few minutes of riding, they arrive in a small, narrow, deserted valley.

Squirrel becomes hysterical as soon as the horse begins to move off the trail, resembling a frightened animal.

What if he had saved him only to disembowel him alone and with his own hands? The thought echoes in his mind, making him more tense and frightened, though Lancelot seems too weak for that. But still: "Just because a wolf is calm doesn't mean he's trustworthy. Some dogs are trained to attack only with their owners' permission, or when they are close enough to their victims."

Perhaps he just wanted to gain his trust and of others one, so he could kill them and burn the camp while they slept. Yes, it made sense. The best of the paladins sure were smart enough to do so.

But if this was indeed his plan, why would he kill the trinity for it? Why save him instead of the Green Knight? Wouldn't it make more sense? Or maybe he knew he was close friends with the famous Wolf-Blood Witch, or as the fae knew her, The Fae Queen.

But it was not likely. Unless the paladins also had an interest in Squirrel. Which was not the case.

Lancelot noticed that Squirrel posture had become tenser. He was hysterical and not too hard to notice. Of course it would not be that easy. He didn't think the boy would forgive all the atrocities he committed to him and his people just because he saved him from being tortured. In fact, he didn't think anyone would.

He learned since an early age that the story of 'all fae are brothers, even the lost ones' was just a phrase for the other fae peoples. The Ashes, on the other hand, had taken it very seriously for centuries. Long before they left Britain they believed and followed it strongly. 'A brother is always a brother no matter what happened, and that should not be discussed.' That's what the elders always said.

The Knight said the liar phrase to him. But there was so much truth in his eyes, already bruised from torture, that it didn't seem like a lie. It seemed like such a clear truth that it made him believe that it had come from the depths of his painful broken soul. Not as something to save his own skin from death, but something to say that whenever he wanted to come back, he would have a home and a people waiting for him. And the fact that he hadn't told his secret when he could have only strengthened the thought.

Not all fae were brothers, and he knew it. But it seemed that to the Knight they really were all brothers. Seeing him with his whole body bruised on the verge of death made his heart bleed.

He thought about it when he was alone in his tent. And then a memory came to his mind. The memory that he had a people who loved him and would welcome him if he returned home. A people who were waiting for him to come home even after so many years. A subject so long buried in his mind, but that the Green Knight brought up again. Like the first ray of sunshine after winter.

He should have come back. He should have gone back a long time ago, when he first got the opportunity. But the constant thought of what might happen to him if the paladins caught him running away held him back every time he had the chance.

It was wrong. His people taught him that a brother was a brother no matter what. So he was supposed to be a brother, but he was not. Was not because his fear was always greater than his desire to return.

But he could go back to being a brother now. The knight could no longer be saved, but the kid could. Besides, he always refused to hurt children. He couldn't help the Knight, but the Knight wanted to help him and that was enough.

The least he could do now was to return the boy nicknamed Squirrel back to his people. Or what was left of it. And even though he didn't trust him, Lancelot had still taken him as his responsibility, even if the child didn't know it yet. But he still had to reassure him. A nervous, scared child was definitely the last thing he needed right now.

"It's getting dark. I'm just making sure no one is going to find us at night. I'm still hurting and you still need to sleep.” He says to Squirrel in an awful attempt to reassure him.

"You don't have to explain something so obvious to me. I'm not dumb.” He says in a slightly rude tone, trying to disguise the distrust and fear in his voice.

"I don't think you’re dumb, but your posture became tenser when I led Goliath off the trail." He explains to the youngest, who again looked like an animal frightened by the new information that every movement made was perceived.

"Hmm." That was the only thing he could say.

"I'm not going to disembowel you overnight if that's what you was thinking." He adds, seeing the child's posture relax a little. He really was bad at it. And the little bat was still worried, less, but still worried.

They pass through the small narrow valley, entering the vegetation next to it. Sleeping in the valley would be too easy for anyone to notice. Instead, they go to a clump of trees that was farther into the vegetation, not much, but a little far from the valley. It was good for spending the night without anyone cutting their heads off.

"Goliath, please get down." Lancelot gently orders the horse to stop.

When the horse does as it’s told, Squirrel quickly gets off the horse and walks a bit away from Lancelot, who leaves with a little more difficulty. As soon as he sets his feet on the ground, Lancelot begins to take off Goliath's saddle, feeling the boy's suspicious gaze on his back.

"It’s not completely darkened yet." He observes. "Go get some wood to make a bonfire. But don't go too far, stay close by where I can feel you.” He orders the boy, knowing well how scary it could be coming out of his mouth.

"And why should I obey you as your horse does?" The boy asks. It was a question with an obvious answer. But still, it was a scared and nervous child, he would have to take that into consideration.

"Because even though you don't like or trust me, I'm still your only and best chance of survive." He sees the child grit his teeth and asks for it once more. “Go quickly.”

With a loud sigh and a slightly quieter voice, almost sounding like a whisper, he asks to the tallest. "Can I get wood to make a pyre?" His gaze lowered a little too, it was a sentimental question.

"What is a pyre?" But of course a traitor like Lancelot wouldn't know what a pyre is. He would have to explain it to him.

"A pyre is like a bonfire. We do it when someone dies so that the soul passes to the green and doesn't get stuck here on earth. It is also for the occult to take your soul in peace with them, without you having a problem like an unresolved dilemma. That's a pyre. "

He surprisingly understood the quick and slightly scrambled explanation. It was a ritual for the souls of the dead people. The father would have called it witchcraft or satanic ritual. But he was no longer with his father and had to remember that.

"Look..." He starts by turning his gaze to the ground and then to the boy, trying to put the explanation into words. "You can't make a pyre today, too much smoke would attract people to us. But you can do that tomorrow when we're farther away from the camp and closer to your home.” He was hesitant, but he was also being sincere. He was once a child who wanted to perform a ritual for his dead familiars, but unlike Squirrel he had no freedom of choice. And Lancelot didn't want to repeat the experience he had with another child.

"Alright then, we do it tomorrow.” He agrees turning to run and grab some sticks.

After he left. Lancelot analysed his dislocated shoulder. The edges of the opening were covered in dried blood, but the bleeding wasn't too bad. It was controlled. He could solve it himself. It has always done so in fact. He turns to where Goliath's things are and picks up some bandages he was carrying with him.

He wraps a few bands around his ribs and shoulder and squeezes them tightly, just enough to stop the bleeding. As soon as he's done, he puts his arm on the trunk of a tree and forces it back into original place. Letting out only a few small low moans of pain.

It was better to have only a sore shoulder than a dislocated one. He could do things with his arm if it was only sore. With the pain he could use a bow and hunt for something to eat, since he would need both arms to do so. It was not something he couldn't handle.

Settling his shoulder, he puts more bands around it and his chest, holding it tighter in place, just to make sure nothing would move out of place again. The pain was just another old friend he had hugged for a long time, he could do anything whit it, even if it squeezed him tightly.

He picks up the bow and two of the arrows that were on Goliath's bank and goes only a few feet ahead when he sees two adult rabbits a little way away from each other. He put the two arrows into the bow, positioning his arms carefully so that nothing happens to his shoulder or ribs, putting his sore arm on the bow and the best to pull the arrows, using the bow horizontally.

As soon as he fired the first one, the second one would run. With that in mind, he takes a deep breath and releases the first arrow at the same speed as it releases the air from inside his aching lungs, and then traps it again. As the second one starts running, he shoots the second arrow, quickly letting out his breath again. Both rabbits shot in the eye.

"Wow!" Said Squirrel, seeing everything behind him. "Do you shoot two arrows at once?!" He asks him still with surprise on his face.

"I learned when I was younger." He says, picking up the rabbits and taking out the arrows stuck in their eyes.

"That's awesome!" He looks at the wood and then at Lancelot. "Is this enough? There's not a lot of fallen branches here. And the trees looks pretty strong. "

"Yes, that's enough. We just going to roast the rabbits with the fire. It's not very windy around here at dawn. Don't worry about it. He reassures the child. You can leave it there. "

Squirrel looked hesitant but excited. It was rare to see a child scared and excited at the same time. Especially in conditions like that, or when he's around. But again, he was not like other people, and that much was clear.

He was so anxious that he could not speak on his own. Lancelot would have to ask him, or it would get stuck in his throat.

"What is it?"

"I know how to slaughter a rabbit. I can prepare the rabbits and you can make the fire.” He proposes. “Anyway, making fire seems to be your specialty.” But of course he wouldn't say something so innocently without pricking it.

Lancelot thinks for a moment before answering.

"All right." He says, taking a dagger from one of his pants pockets and throwing it to the boy. Completely ignoring the provocation made.

Squirrel picks up the dagger, even though he almost dropped it. Lancelot hands the two rabbits and goes towards the sticks, picking them up from the ground and arranging them to make the fire.

Meanwhile, Squirrel begins to slaughter the first rabbit. First separating the paws from the arms and legs, ripping off the head and tail after. Then make a shallow, straight cut on the animal's back to remove the fur and skin, and then remove the excess apparent fat. Then making a deep cut in the belly to remove the organs, but keeping them in a cloth bag for the case it be needed. Repeating the same process with the second one.

He turns around to deliver the finished rabbits to Lancelot. He is surprised to see him making the fire with his hands. Not only that, but he seemed to be playing with him, as if he were a fussy little friend.

What struck him most was that the fire did not burn his hands. He passed it from side to side and twirled it in both hands, but the fire did not affect him. It looked like a life creature that chose who would and would not burn.

He was so engrossed in the movement that he only realized Lancelot was staring at him when the fire stopped moving.

"Is everything okay?" He asks and Squirrel nod in response. "Are you done?"

"Yes, I'm done. But you seem too entertained to finish your task.” He plays and gets closer to him, and Lancelot huffs amused in response.

"How you’re doing it?"

"Fire does not affect the Ashes Folk people. We can guide it instead.” He pauses. Maybe his words had run out, or maybe that should have been the end of the sentence. But the boy seemed to want to hear more, so he tries to think of something to say. "It's like a fussy little friend playing in our hands." And apparently fails. Letting the fire go on the small pile of wood right after to try to avoid saying anything again.

"It's beautiful. But how do you do that? And why aren't you burned? "

"I can't answer you that."

"Why not?"

He stops staring at him for a few seconds. "God, why can't this boy stop asking questions? And why does he want me to speak if he clearly hates me? Just stop talking to me! It's not that hard.” Lancelot thinks with a bit of anger. But he would still have to answer the boy's endless questions, so he would have to struggle to think of something.

"No one of the Ashes Folk is allowed to speak certain things to people of other folks. In fact, not even to speak to some other peoples are we allowed after we leave Britannia. But I don't think I can tell you that either.” Lancelot tries to explain, speaking with a little difficulty and looking into the fire.

"It’s all right. Gawain told me that the Ash Folk had taken their secrets with them when they left these lands. And that they would probably never return, and their secrets would be buried with them in their graves for the rest of eternity. "

"Your friend was right. We don't really have the planning to go back. But who knows, maybe it will change. "

"Why do you think that's will change now? I mean, it's been so long since you've been gone. "

Lancelot thinks for a moment before forcing himself to speak again. Looking between Squirrel and the fire.

"When we get out of here." He hesitates. "There were people who welcomed us and helped us in the other lands. The only one we've had an alliance with for decades." He try to explains, still thinking of the right way to continue counting without telling something wrong. "We were helped once when we were in a bad situation. They said we didn't have to, but we insisted on reciprocating. There were people here who helped us to escape, and others there who welcomed us and helped keep us alive."

He stopped again, and Squirrel began to wonder why he stopped and hesitated so much when he spoke. It seemed like a bad habit. Or maybe he just thought too much before speaking. But that was not a matter for now. Now he wanted to hear everything Lancelot had to say about his people, since it had been so long since there had been anyone to tell their history.

"If you, under any circumstances, needed help to escape, and a place to stay when you did. We would help, even after all. Without any doubt. "

"Why?" Asks the child, looking directly into Lancelot's eyes with immense hope carved on his face.

The eldest looks away at the ground, unable to look into the boy's face. "Because all fae are brothers. Hatred leads nowhere, resentment much less. Growing up is also about learning to forgive. Carrying a debt of grudge and hatred for centuries wouldn't change anything. It would only make everything worse."

He is silent for a second before speaking what been told to him so many times by the elders when he was a child. "All fae are brothers no matter what and that shouldn't be discussed. No matter the actions, we still all being brothers at the end of the day. Whether you like it or not. "

"It's a very beautiful thing to say. Even more when it came from a traitor mouth. Although I don't think those are your words.” Happiness appear briefly on his face.

He was a child tormented by the war he grew up in, but he was still a child. A hopeful child who did not let circumstances stop him from being happy, even if only for a few moments. And that was special. It was beautiful.

The smell of well-done meat began to waft through Lancelot's nose, warning him that the meat was ready to be eaten. He pulls the two rabbits out of the fire and hands one to Squirrel, who begins clumsily devouring it as soon as he catches it.

He looks at the rabbit in his hands and begins to eat as well, taking it piece by piece and eating slowly and politely. Very different from Squirrel who was almost embarrassed to see the way Lancelot was eating.

It was strange to start a meal without praying in thanksgiving first. That was how the paladins taught him. Whenever he went to eat something, he should thank God for letting him have food in his sinful hands, because he didn't deserve it. But he wasn't with the paladins. Although that's not the reason he didn't.

He knew very well that fae had no need to give thanks before eating, since everything would be repaid after death. He didn't pray because he didn't want to offend the boy in front of him. It was still hard for him to believe that he was beginning to develop a zeal and a small instinct for protection for a fae child. But he'd have to get used to it going forward. In the same way that he would have to get used to not praying before eating, and to the endless questions that would be asked for him.

"When you're done eating, go to sleep." He asks the child more than he commands.

"What about you?"

"I'm not sleepy, don't worry about me."

"Don't think I'm worried about you. Because I'm not.” Again a lie. This was looking more like a bad habit than a form of protection. And that was too bad for a kid like him.

They eat and finish the rest of the meal in silence. Squirrel finishes first and, despite not liking it, obeys what he was to do asked for. As soon as he finishes eating, he lies down in a place near some trees and sleeps.

Lancelot leaned back against a tree and lay awake for the rest of the night, thinking about what he would do the next day. Now he was a fugitive, and he was with a child who, though brave, was extremely reckless with his actions. The fae people had probably gone away to other lands. But a 'probably' is not a 'for sure', so maybe they hadn't boarded yet.

And if they had, as he himself knew, he would always have folk to call people and a place to call home who were waiting for him. Even if the boy didn't like it and wanted to go back to the others, they could locate or track them down and return him to their people. This was not a very difficult task. Not for people who had years of practice.

And looking at the boy, he didn't seem so annoying when he was sleeping. Maybe he could get used to him by his side for a while. While clinging to it would be a mistake, it wouldn't hurt for just a few moments.

But one thing was for sure. His smell was unbearable. Probably because he'd spent a lot of time with him and had never spent so much time with a fae so close before.

He would have to get used to it urgently if he wanted to be with others. He wanted to, but the probability of dying as soon as he arrived was very high, almost like a fact.

But he shouldn't think about it now. He already had a lot of problems, he didn't need to create more. Even though it really was very likely.

Pushing away the bad thoughts, he lifts his head to look at the stars dancing in the navy blue sky above his head. The night was beautiful. If he used a little of his imagination, he could smell a salty sea and beautiful whale sharks swimming among the constellations that shone brightly.

Always as beautiful as it could be. If he found some small white flowers, he could put them in Goliath's mane. Your steed would certainly look a lot prettier with them. Not that it needed to, because Goliath was beautiful by nature.

[raven-at-the-writing-desk]

I just read through the Wish Upon A Star event for the first time and it's a nice heartfelt story! But hoo BOY do some things about this event feel unexpectedly heavier now with the context of Book 6 and what's currently out for Book 7, particularly with the Diasomnia boys ...

Wish Upon a Star was really nice for the Shroud brothers' story in hindsight! I wouldn't say the event has anything "essential" (you can still understand book 6 without seeing any of Wish Upon a Star), but it definitely adds extra context (like sprinkles on top of an ice-cream sundae!) and some vague foreshadowing to the upcoming main story happenings. (It helped a lot that both brothers were featured cards for this event; they could share the spotlight!) We learn some new information that is fundamentally rooted in what we already know of the Shroud brothers (ie Idia is into video games, Ortho is supportive of his brother) and how it all plays together in a grander narrative. Star Rogue was actually first introduced in this event as something important to Idia and Ortho's childhoods, which later becomes a recurring motif in book 6. The book even closes on Idia playing it with all of his new NRC friends (?). The legend of the Starsending itself, of course, refers to the story of Pinocchio, where a puppet turned into a real boy--a theme which eventually carries over to Ortho, the robot that gains humanity. Additionally, we get a more in-depth exploration of Ortho and Idia's relationship in Wish Upon a Star. We see that Ortho, despite being a robot who would easily be able to look up anything he doesn't understand, still has a child-like wonder about wishes coming true and even dedicates his own wish to hoping that his older brother's wish comes true. It's Idia who expresses a deep cynicism for the Starsending and acts like a buzzkill (pointing out that the stars most likely react to people's body temperature rather than light up in response to being whispered a wish). This reflects their behavior in book 6 too: Idia is the one who has given up hope, and Ortho is the one who seeks to help his brother's dreams come true.

I guess something similar applies for the Diasomnia boys? 🤔 Although to be fair, this event came out in summer of 2020 (when the game itself first launched in March 2020), so we didn't know a ton about the Diasomnia boys back then. A lot of what they said for their wishes would have easily been dismissed as just normal characterization, but it definitely comes off as more ominous knowing what we now know of book 7:

Sebek’s wish: “I wish for the whole world to kneel before our king.” WELL. You definitely got that wish granted, Sebek 😭 cuz all of Twisted Wonderland is about to kneel over in a deep sleep once Malleus’s UM spreads far enough… Sebek is pretty much always going on about how powerful Malleus is, but in book 7 it’s not so fun having to deal with that magic now turned against us and set on consuming the world.

Silver’s wish: “I wish… for my father to have a long life.” When we first heard of this, the assumption was that Lilia would outlive Silver?? Especially with how spry Lilia is portrayed to be… BUT THEN IT TURNS OUT 700 YEAR OLD LILIA’S MAGIC IS ON THE DECLINE AND HE WANTS TO GO DIE ALONE IN A FOREIGN LAND 😩 Silver also mentions during his wish segment that he owes a lot to his father and isn’t close to repaying him for everything he has done. This is a sentiment Silver shares again in book 7… in which he then proceeds to break down and cry in front of Malleus about those insecurities 😭

Lilia’s wish: “My wish is… for humans, fae, and all other species to live in harmony.” This one hits super different because right now we’re witnessing Lilia’s past self as a general actively fighting against humans and being suspicious of them. His present self is much more peace and harmony loving, even instilling in Silver a respect for all creatures and lecturing Malleus and Sebek for their sometimes ignorant behavior towards other races. He acknowledges the challenges that come with bringing together those from all walks of life, but he’s also the first to preach about how the importance of it. People may be weak alone, but they can come together like the threads on a spindle to become something stronger together. This is a testament to how much Lilia’s feelings and him as an individual have evolved over time. What’s even sadder is that when you read Lilia’s words, it definitely sounds like he’s reflecting on his unsavory past, and wishing for a better world for the future: “You've learned about […] all the countless tales of our failure to compromise, and the resulting conflicts? I have no desire to see such history repeated.” So he makes the same wish every year…

Malleus’s wish: “I wish for Roaring Drago (Gao-Gao Dragon-kun) to make a friend.” Gao-Gao makes his first appearance in Malleus’s Labwear vignettes, but becomes a more integral part of Malleus’s story in other materials, then culminates as a motif in book 7. The importance of this virtual pet cannot be understated in regards to its connection with Malleus’s understanding of human lives and change. Prior to book 7, we see Gao-Gao as something “like Malleus”—it’s alone, a dragon hatched from an egg. (One can say that wishing for Gao-Gao to have friends is a metaphor for how Malleus himself wants friends.) During book 7, the perception of Gao-Gao changes; now it is likened to Malleus’s loved ones. He fears them leaving, just like Gao-Gao does when he’s all grown up—and so Malleus justifies his extreme actions with the excuse of, “I want them to live a happy fantasy forever and ever, just as though Gao-Gao were with me for all of time”. It’s how Malleus rationalizes his actions and comes to understand others. What makes Gao-Gao and even more prominent symbol in book 7 is its ties with Lilia; as Malleus notes in his Starsending segment, Gao-Gao was a gift from Lilia’s travels… and Gao-Gao set to leave once it has fully matured, so, too, comes the painful reminder that Lilia set to leave soon. It puts more pressure on Malleus to act, to come up with some kind of solution for a “happily ever after”. It’s his way of keeping his friends with him… whether they want it or not.

[undertale-fic-librarby]

Hiya! I just read your pinned post, i actually didn't know librarby exist in tumblr and honestly- its really helpful for me as someone who often forgive what kinda plot but don't know what its name is. 👉👈 (Ack pardon grammars)

Also- If its still possible for asked this, do you have any completed fic for undertale sans x reader? :0 or deltarune sans is okay too! I've been wanting to read that has most fluff and slice of life with less angst xD i might found something that i haven't read yet, the long chapters the better, altho its actually not necessary, so its up to you!

Take your time and I hope you doing well!! Thank you for exist 💙

Howdy, thanks for asking! Here are some fics that might fit what you're looking for!

Save Point by JuniperJoy101 (Teen And Up, Complete)

Moving from a backwater town to a city bustling with human and monsterfolk alike, some things begin to change both for the better and the worse. What was left behind comes back to bite at you in the most unexpected times, current progress being put in danger as a result. It's hard to move on, though it's equally difficult trying to stay loyal to what you believe is right. With an adoptive seven-year-old son and the remnants of a recent divorce in your hands, your goal is to move on and adjust to life with monsters, these becoming an important part of your life -- one of them in particular reigniting the spark you thought gone with your ex spouse. • • • The following story is a re-write of the first UT fanfic I ever managed to publish on the Internet. Undertale belongs to Toby Fox. You belong to yourself.

A salting feelings by EvergreenEmerald (Teen And Up, Complete)

You cleared your throat loudly to get their attention; they jumped at the sound, turning to face you. You felt just as awkward as they did. “Sorry, didn’t mean to scare you, though I do owe you for the nice trip you sent me on earlier.” You pointed to the disarrayed suitcase that had been tossed around by your stumbling feet. They giggled as you motioned for them to come inside. They pulled their suitcase into the house, but paused in front of you, turning their head up with an adorable smile. You started to wonder if you had seen this kid before, they look so familiar. Maybe they remind you of one of your parents? *You are a family court lawyer with a dark past that caused you to be separated from your sibling years ago. Now they are placed in your care out of the blue because the government didn't like the idea of a monster raising a human, you have to deal with speaking to your sibling about your shared past and lost parents, the courts who make life hard, new monster friends, and this skeleton that won't stop interrupting you and being a nosy jerk

Curious laughter by SpiffySiffy (Teen And Up, Complete)

Sans is just keeping an eye out on his brother's friends. You have a strange personality and he finds it interesting. Suddenly he finds he's getting more and more curious about you and your thoughts on certain topics.

My Princess by Kyra1416 (Teen And Up, Complete)

(Y/N) was always a shy child. She was slowly to trust others and was scared of almost anything. This made it hard for her to form bonds and keep those bonds intact. She lived on Mt.Ebbot with her family. The story of monsters kidnapping children and eating their souls made her to scared to ever leave the house. Her whole life changed forever the day her parents where murdered right before her very eyes. While running from the killer, she fell into the underground. It was there she descovered her stange powers, and meet a certain punny skeleton.

Winter In Your Bones by cryptid_jack (Mature, Complete)

You're a modestly successful fiction writer living in rural Alaska; just you, your dog, and your horse in a small cabin on a large piece of property in the shadow of a mighty mountain range. You're used the the quiet, enjoy it even, but when you start having recurring dreams of a strange skeleton visiting you in the night you wonder if the solitude might be starting to get to you…at least until you realize you're not dreaming at all because Sans is, in fact, a real, live monster. Friendship, romance, and shenanigans ensue.

[iconuk01]

Icon-UK watches Fraggle Rock: Back the Rock - Season 2, Episode 5 - "I'm Pogey"

My cynical old walnut of a heart is once again powerless against the Henson Company. In this case "Fraggle Rock: Back to the Rock".

A recurring background character in this series has been a fairly generic Fraggle named Pogey, who is always introduced by showing up yelling "I'm Pogey!"

And in this episode we finally discover why. It's not that Pogey isn't smart (a bit literal perhaps, but that's not the same thing), it's that Pogey is very proud of the name "Pogey" because it took them a VERY long time to find a name they felt fitted the them they wanted to be.

Though gender presentation is hardly straightforward with Muppets, Pogey is, I think, the first deliberately genderqueer Muppet, and the show introduces the concept elegantly.

Wembley (always a favourite of mine) is having an identity crisis AND self esteem issues. He tried a new look which he really liked, but talked himself out of, because he worried people wouldn't like him anymore (and Red inadvertantly snapping at him over something else didn't help)

Red, who is having a bad day, had asked Pogey to join in a cheer for Gobo they are arranging, and whether they wanted to be a "Go" or a "Bo" and they have to try and explain that they're not not a "Go", or a "Bo", except sometimes they're both... or in between.... or neither.

Pogey meets up with Wembley and explains how they can be different from what they were, and change many times, but they know that, at their core, they are still always Pogey.

Cue a visit to the frankly fabulous Great Glitterini (voiced by Adam Lambert) for Wembley to realise that maybe he does want to feel like that sometimes, and that's okay because no matter what "I'm Wembley!"

Helped, in no small part, by the glitter in the Great Glitterini's "Glitter Globe", which allows anyone to express themselves as as any version of themselves they can think of.

Though cis, I've seen friends realise that how they happened to be born as is not who they really are, or want to be, and recognise the importance of Wembley's line in the above.

"You look amazing!" followed by an almost mournful "... and happy"

Because I can't think of anyone I know who has decided to become their truer selves whose baseline happiness level didn't increase. An old schoolfriend was one of the most miserable people I know, I'm talking Marvin the Paranoid Android levels of cynicism here, but since she came out as trans, she is SO much happier with her life.

And finally, just cap this charming episode off, we get a rendition of one of my all time favourite Fraggle Rock songs from the original series "Free and High!" with the Great Glitterini being joined by Wembley, Pogey and Doc.

And the scene at the end where Wembley, more comfortable in himself and publicly trying a new more glittery look, meets his friends again and Gobo, his room-mate and absolute best friend in the world, immediately and unprompted, tells him he looks amazing, and that he's never seen him happier, honestly... ugly crying right here, I'm not ashamed to say it.

(There's also a subplot with the Gorgs where, as part of his 500th birthday celebrations, Junior has to choose between one of two boxes which will decide how he is perceived for the rest of his life and him realising he doesn't like either very much. It's not subtle, but it's fun)

[patrik6090]

what the city of new yokr and me have in common

Continuing to work on our work even tho we're piss anr tired

(R.S HERE DOING A TAG CHALLENGE SI LONG IM SCARED I WONT BE ABLE TI SEND KT

Little twasern

Patrik6090, someone who used to be a great hero, a mentor to many people and Inspiration to many more, he fell into bouts of insecurity, mental illness and drug addiction, and began to grow tired of life, he grew into a lesser version of himself that forced his old family to watch him fade away into a husk kf his former self, but the new hero Roel, he manages to spark some extra heroin action into Patrik, getting him to give heroism one last chance

Role: mentor character

pennyroyald: the Bickering lover of one of the Popular side characters, who often finds themselves on the end of fan service and panty shots, who despite having in depth lore and being a trans rep, she is often reduced to just a pair of tits, when she is so much more

Role: recurring side character

Mari: the priestess turned paladin Turned battle saintess, betrothed to her goddess that was designated as a cult by the evil king green due to her Eldritch like state, she originally collides and even fights with the heroes who have yet to learn of even king Green's corruption, but later on becomes an ally

Role: major lore character, shows up on occasion for (non sexual) fan service

@importantpeachfury: the posh and depressed daughter of the king dead king, raised by her wicked stepmother star, she often wastes away in her tower, her abundance of magical energy drained, feeling as if she's always in the brink of death, she starves herself and preforms dangerous magical experiments on herself with only what she has around to make herself beautiful for the handsome knight that will eventually free her, she is a childhood friend of protagonist and Hero Roel, who goes into much effort to learn of her fate when she is discovered dead in the first episode

Role: flashback plot device

Oh hell yeah I'll take sad old mentor!!!

I can make people fall flat on their face and just call it training!!!

This is literally so peak!!

[gloomzombie]

I'll Bury You For This

Pairing: Jeff The Killer X Male Reader

Warnings: None

Word Count: 4,861

Chapter One: Smells Like Teen Spirit

August 16. 7:20 am.

The sound of my alarm blaring woke me up. I groaned and flipped over on my bed, turning the damned thing off. I hate it but it's not like anyone else is gonna wake me up.

I sat up, rubbing the sleep from my eyes. Ah, today would be the first day of school. The first day of my senior year to be exact. God, when did I get so old? I'll be turning 18 in two months!

"Ughh," I exclaimed in a tired voice. I stood up and went to my closet, taking out some clothes. I took those to the bathroom, my mind fogged with sleep. I'm not exactly sure how I feel starting the new year.

I mean I'm gonna go through this year, then it'll be my last summer before I start college. It feels abnormal to even think about it.

I took my shower and put on my clothes afterward. I wore some skinny jeans, a random band shirt, and some accessories like necklaces and chains. I also decided to style my hair a little so I didn't look terrible. I also put on some pencil eyeliner. Liquid eyeliner is way too feminine for me.

After all that was done, I grabbed my backpack and made my way through the hallway to the kitchen. I took out a chocolate chip muffin I bought yesterday and stuffed it in my bag.

I always eat my small breakfast in school. I can't stand being here for longer than I have to. I check the time on my phone. It read 7:58 am.

Perfect. I can go now and won't be too early. I put my phone in my pocket and grabbed my keys off the kitchen counter. I stopped at the door to put my shoes on.

"You were just gonna leave without speaking to me?" My heart dropped in my chest at the sound of his voice. Shit. I finished tying my shoes and stood up straight, looking over at where it came from.

Down the hallway stood my dad, who I've recently started calling John, in a sweat-stained tank top and plaid pajama bottoms. Classic deadbeat dad fit. "Sorry. I didn't want to wake you but I also wanted to get to school a little early." I fiddled with the hem of my shirt anxiously.

My dad rolled his eyes. "Whatever. I'll just call your mother to come get your stuff while you're gone. Maybe you'll be happier there since you hate me so much."

I sighed, trying not to feel anything as I repeated my recurring responses. "I don't hate you." "Why do you hate me so much? Let's talk about this because I wanna know." He stared me down, waiting by his bedroom doorway.

"I don't hate you." "Uhuh. I believe that."

I turned the doorknob, knowing if I don't leave now I'll be here for a long time. "I'm not done talking to you! Don't walk away from me when I'm speaking to you, little boy!" He yelled at me as I walked out the door.

I quickly locked the door and about ran to my bike. I picked it up and took off as fast as I could, ignoring the sound of the door slamming open.

8:18 am.

I got to school later than I wanted to, but I didn't really think much of it. I immediately went to first period, not in the mood to deal with everyone in the hallways.

I went inside and took my seat in the back. I was one of the only people in the classroom. Even the teacher wasn't in yet. I sighed, slouching in my chair.

I let my eyes wander over the classroom and rolled my eyes. I need to listen to music if I wanna get through the day. I took my phone and earbuds out of my pocket, putting the earbuds in my ears.

I played my most recently made playlist. I decided I'd save my muffin for later. I don't really have much of an appetite after this morning.

As the students packed into the room over the next few minutes, I continued listening to music until my best friend's familiar face showed up.

I smiled, turning off my music and taking out my earbuds. "Xander!" I called. He turned his head toward my direction, previously eyeing the girl he was talking to. "Hey!" He turned back and muttered something to her, to which she giggled in response.

He made his way over to me. "Shit. Honestly, I wasn't sure you'd show," He smirked, taking the seat beside me. I rolled my eyes and scoffed. "Could say the same thing to you."

"Touche touche. Soo did you ever get that guy's number?" He asked, lowering his voice a bit as he spoke.

I gave him a confused expression, racking my mind for what guy he could be talking about. He spoke up again while I was still thinking about who it could be.

"The guy with long hair that worked at Spencers?" Xander rolled his eyes. My expression relaxed. "Oh, him? Nah, last time I went he was with another dude and they kissed so I mean." I answered, putting my earbuds back in my backpack.

"Wellll...you could still have asked for his number," Xander wiggled his eyebrows and I punched him in the arm. "No! I'm not doing that when he was obviously with someone." I roll my eyes, exasperated by him already.

"I would have if it were a chick." "Yeah, 'cause you're a manwhore." Now it was his turn to punch me. We laughed and talked more until the teacher finally showed up.

"Sorry students, I was caught up in the teacher's lounge," Ms. Johnson cleared her throat and put her things down on her desk messily.

"Yeah, caught up with Mr. Evans," Xander said just above a whisper. The girls in the back of the room giggled. Ah, so the fangirls are already starting.

Ms. Johnson's face scrunched up a tad as she obviously heard his comment, but she ignored it. "Now, today we won't have a lesson since it's the first day, but I do have some word searches that you will be graded on." She then told someone in the front to pass the papers back.

As the papers were being passed around, people started conversations with their friends. Xander was too busy talking to the girls around us. I try to tune it out since he can be pretty gross.

I felt a small tap on my shoulder and I turned in my seat. "Hi, sorry for bothering you. I just wanted to say I really like your shirt and like- your style in general." It was a girl I had never seen before. She had an alternative style, her teased hair and many facial piercings making it obvious.

She wore all black and on the front of her shirt was a metal band logo I recognized- Aversions Crown. I had to look down at my shirt, forgetting which one I slipped on. Carnifex. "Oh, thanks. I like yours too." I gave her a nice smile. I rarely ever found people that liked metal here, the heaviest music people usually like is older rock music and the occasional Metallica song.

"Thanks! They're one of my favorites," she averted her gaze. I could tell she was flustered even under her pale makeup. "Oh! I'm sorry I forgot to tell you my name." She realized. "I'm Lily," her black lips turned up at the corners into a soft smile.

"It's fine. I'm Y/N," I smiled back at her. It'd be cool to have another actual friend. "Lilyy! Are you done talking to that cute boy yet? I still need to talk to you about what happened with you know who," a girl from a few desks away whined.

Lily covered her mouth with her hand. "Sorry about that. Talk later?" She asked. I nodded. "Yeah sure." She walked back over to the other girl and they started talking and giggling amongst themselves.

I sighed and looked back over at Xander. He was still talking to the girls that surrounded him. I never understood why he was so popular. He's an emo dude and aren't emo dudes supposed to get bullied?

He is pretty. Really pretty. But how in the hell did they think that too?

"Oh! Class, can I get your attention please?" Ms. Johnson spoke up. I looked over at her, but only a few other people did as well. "I said, can I have your attention?" She raised her voice a little and that got a majority of the class's attention.

"As you know, we don't usually get too many new students. But, this young man is an exception!" She smiled as she looked up at the "young man" beside her.

Oh? Beside her stood probably one of the prettiest guys I've seen at this school, and that's saying a lot since he had a mask on, concealing the bottom half of his face.

That got everyone's attention. "Go on, introduce yourself." His eyes slanted ever so slightly, obviously annoyed. Was it obvious or am I just paying a lot of attention to him?

"I'm Jeff. That's all you need to know about me." His gravely, deep voice caught me off guard.

Oh my GOD his voice. I inhaled sharply, sitting up a bit straighter. I need to calm down.

Ms. Johnson sighed, clearly just not wanting to deal with anything today. "Alright. Find an empty seat anywhere and finish this by the end of the day." She handed him the word search and his eyes scanned the room, probably looking for a seat.

I watched as his eyes landed on me, or rather the chair beside me then actually to me. Oh god, focus focus focus. I quickly averted my gaze to the unfinished word search on my desk, fiddling with the pencil in between my fingers.

I can't focus. His footsteps came closer and closer till it was just the sound of the plastic chair moving against the linoleum floor. I shouldn't be stressing out this much over a new guy but damn. There's something about the way he carries himself that really catches my attention...but y'know his looks help.

"Hey." I heard him speak up and I took my time to turn my head towards him, with a lot of self-control mind you. "Oh, hey." I let my eyes rest on his. I note the bluish-grey color they were.

"Saw you were eyeing the hell outta me. What was that about? You have a problem?" Jeff asked, his tone harsh and defensive. I gave him a confused expression. "No? Am I not allowed to look at you?" I asked sarcastically.

I watched his furrowed eyes soften a little. Does he like attitude or something? "Not in the way you were looking at me." He retorted, his voice laced with venom. He leaned closer to me and I could swear I could feel my face heat up.

"Listen. I'm gonna say this once and only once. Don't mess with me. I promise you, you won't enjoy what happens." Jeff's eyes pierced into mine as his words registered in my mind.

The hell? Threatening me when he doesn't even know me? 'You won't enjoy what happens.' Yeah we'll see about that.

"And what's going to happen if I do?" I retaliated. I don't like being threatened, especially by someone that doesn't know anything about me.

Jeff's eyebrow raised and he chuckled, an evil sound coming from behind his lips. "Oh, you really have no clue who you're messing with here." "Enlighten me."

"Alright, class! We have two minutes until this period is over. Gather your things and you can take your word searches. Make sure to turn them in to me before the end of the day." Ms. Johnson's voice interrupted our conversation.

"Just leave me alone if you know what's good for you." Jeff stood up quickly, picking up his bag in the same movement then walking out the door. My eyes lay on the doorway for a second.

Well, he sure is interesting. Interesting and hot, but that's not important.

10:48 am.

My next class was pretty much the same. Again, it is the first day so we didn't do much. Xander doesn't share it with me and neither did that Lily girl, so I drew most of the period.

After that class ended, I headed into the hallway. I made my way to my locker. That new kid, Jeff, was rummaging through the one beside mine. Oh great. So he took the locker that was vacant last year.

I sighed and went up to my own, unlocking it and putting my books in there that I wouldn't need right now. I couldn't help but scrunch my face at how dull it looked. I'll have to decorate it more when I can. I can't stand how boring it looks right now.

I could feel Jeff's burning gaze on the side of my head, but I ignored it. I shut my locker and made my way to third period.

I was again one of the first people there, taking a seat in the back as usual. I took a book out of my bag and picked up where I left off, tuning out the chitter-chatter and miscellaneous noises of the class.

I continued reading, getting really into the chapter, until I heard the sound of the moving of the chair sat beside mine. I look up from my book. Jeff sat there next to me, his gaze set nowhere in particular.

I let my eyes roam the room and notice something. Really? There are so many other empty chairs. After all that he said to me in first period, he's still gonna sit next to me? I couldn't help the smug expression that grazed my face. Jeff's eyes moved over to meet mine.

"Why're you looking at me like that?" he snapped. I smirked. "Well, it seems to me you're contradicting yourself." Jeff's eyebrow raised in confusion. "You threatened me just an hour ago yet," I motioned towards the chair he was sitting at, "you still choose to sit next to me."

Jeff huffed, his eyebrows knit in a tight line. "Whatever. I just like to sit in the back. Has absolutely nothing to do with you." He turned his gaze back to look in front of him as if he were thinking.

I chuckled. "Whatever helps you sleep at night, sugar." Jeff's head flung back to look at me. "The FUCK did you just call me?" He raised his voice a little, causing us to get a few looks from people.

I smirked, leaning closer just a bit. "Sugarr." I pulled back and looked back at my book, smiling at the expression the simple pet name left on his face.

12:10 pm.

After third period ended, I made my way back to my locker and put some more stuff in it for tomorrow. I took my bag with me as I made my way through the hall.

My gaze was kept at my feet. I usually keep to myself and am only ever bothered by people who somehow like me. I'm pretty sure it's just because I'm best friends with Xander though.

"Y/N?" I stopped my trip to the cafeteria and turned to look at who it was this time. It was a guy that stopped me this time, which shocked me a little bit.

It's mostly girls that stop me and won't stop giggling and smiling as they try to get me to go out with them.

"Yeah, that's me," I responded. I don't recognize him. He had fluffy brown hair and wore some baggy pants and a brown striped sweater. He was shorter than me, so I had to look down at him.

"I know you don't know me but, I've always thought you looked really cool. Do you think we could sit together at lunch?" He asked. His eyes were avoiding mine, looking down at the floor as he fiddled with his fingers. Is he really this nervous to talk to me?

"Uh.. yeah. Yeah sure," I decided it wouldn't hurt. Xander would have to suck it up if he wants me to sit with him.

I continued my walk to the cafeteria, but now with this random guy. I probably shouldn't call him random but what else would I call him when I don't know him?

We went through the doorway as we arrived at the cafe. I looked around, noticing Xander. I was planning on telling him I'd be sitting with someone else today, but I stopped myself from approaching his table.

With the way every chair at it was taken by another bleach blonde girl with self tanned skin, I have a feeling he wouldn't care one bit.

I shrugged. It doesn't surprise me. "Isn't that your friend?" The shorter male's voice spoke. I sighed. "Best friend, yeah." I kept my response short as I started to walk in the direction of an empty table.

I quickly sat in one of the chairs and the guy sat in the one directly in front of me. "Is he always an ass like that?" He muttered, which made me laugh a little.

I slid a hand through my hair, not caring if it messed up a little. "Yeah, that's just him. It doesn't really bother you after a while." I started rummaging through my backpack and pulled out my muffin and a water bottle.

"Oh, I didn't tell you my name did I?" I turned my gaze toward him as I zipped my bag back up. I shook my head and watched as his face got a little red.

He averted his gaze, biting his lip. "Sorry. I'm Gage." I took my muffin out of the wrapper as he nervously introduced himself.

It was a cute name, and it suited him very well. "Cute." I replied, voicing my thoughts aloud. I couldn't help the smile from grazing my lips as I watched his face redden and how his hand moves up to cover his mouth.

"I don't think so," Gage responds, his eyes going to mine for a split second before moving away again. I tilted my head. "Welll," I took his hand in mine and pulled it down from his face, "I think it's perfect for you."

His eyes met mine once more and he couldn't hide how red his face has gotten at this point. I chuckled and let go of his hand.

I can't ever help myself. Flirting with people is my thing. I love to make them flustered and watch as they squirm under my gaze, especially if they're pretty.

"I..Uh..." Gage looked away once more. I pulled my hand away from his and started eating my muffin. At least I'll be getting something out of this school year.

1:30pm

The rest of lunch and fourth period went by in a blur. The time I had left in lunch I spent getting to know Gage more.

He's pretty cute honestly. Not only was his appearance cute though, his personality was adorable. I think we're gonna be good friends, especially if Xander keeps distancing himself from me.

Fourth period was really boring, but math usually is. At least the work was just review work so it was really simple.

I make my way to my locker, putting my math textbook in it. I made my way to fifth period, not really paying attention to my surroundings.

My next class is history, which I'm not insanely thrilled about but I'll be alright. If it were something more interesting like Greek or Roman history I'd be all for it but it's just gonna be American history yet again.

I walked into class and made my way to the back, taking the seat closest to the window. I took my notebook out and opened it.

I started doodling, as I'm yet again early. I sighed, my thoughts elsewhere as I absentmindedly drew whatever my hand wanted to.

I continued drawing, even when the class started filling up more- and even when he sat next to me once more.

It's probably not gonna end well, drawing without thinking. If I'm not thinking, time is going by faster which means I'll be going home faster.

I let my eyes refocus onto my page, looking at what I drew. It was merely a sketch, but it wasn't too bad. It was a random person, just someone I drew easily.

The eye shape, nose shape, mouth shape, body shape...all were easy for me to draw which is why I drew it so often.

I let my eyes trail over to the desk beside mine, then to the person sitting at it. Jeff's eyes were staring down at my desk, my paper specifically.

I moved my gaze back over at my paper. I looked back at him and realized I drew someone that kind of looks like him. The hair, style, body type, eyes. The only thing different was how the person had a nose and mouth.

"Why did you draw me?" Jeff's gravely voice spoke up, as harsh as it was earlier. "I didn't mean to? I mean I can't even see the bottom half of your face dude, calm down." I rolled my eyes at his rudeness.

Seriously, why in the hell would I purposely draw him? He's not exactly the most unique looking person out there.

He rolled his eyes. "Yeah, whatever. Look, I don't understand your obsession with me but you should stop while you're ahead." He kept his eyes locked onto mine, like he was trying to blow me up with his mind or something.

I smirked. "I think you're projecting a bit here, lovebug." Jeff's eyes widened a bit before he hit the table with his hand lightly. "The fuck is with the stupid pet names?"

His small outburst made a few people turn their heads to look at us. I didn't really mind it so why shouldn't I push a little further?

I leaned closer to him, resting my elbows on my knees as I looked up into his eyes. "Oh I think we both know the answer to that, honey."

Jeff scoffed, his eyes squinted a tad. "You can't just walk up in here looking that attractive and not expect me to react to it." I kept my smirk as his disgusted expression faded into a confused one, one of his eyebrows raised slightly.

I leaned a little closer, whispering words I didn't necessarily mean. "If we weren't in a class filled with other people right now, I'm not sure I'd be able to control myself around you." I pulled back, taking in his expression.

The way the tip of his ears reddened, and the way his eyes widened; the way he was left utterly speechless. I knew I got in his mind, exactly like I wanted.

Teasing people has got to be my favorite thing to do. Some people think you're being a dick when you do that, but I really don't care. It's fun, especially when the other person isn't expecting it.

"Alright, class. Today we're going to do a simple word search of the American presidents since it's the first day." I didn't even realize the teacher walked in. Nor did I realize how everyone else was here or how many of them were listening. The giggling from some of the girls and the way a few of them had smiles on their faces proved just how many there were.

I sat back in my seat and turned my attention to the front of the class. The silence from the man beside me kept the smile on my face from fading away.

2:50pm

Sixth period went by all too quickly, as it was Art- my favorite class of the day. It was a simple assignment, a self portrait in your own style.

Xander shares that class with me. It bums me out a bit that we only have two classes together, but that probably won't bum me out for too much longer.

Xander barely spoke a word to me, keeping his attention on the girls that were constantly surrounding him. I drew even when I was done with my assignment.

He didn't come up to me once. The only time we talked was when I did it. I asked him if he'd want to hang out after school, but he shut me down quickly with "Nah, sorry dude. I'm gonna be "hanging out" with Jade tonight if you get what I mean," and ended it with a wink.

It felt degrading. Obviously I'm not oblivious to his sex life and whatnot, but he never makes time for his best friend. I don't want to dwell on it though.

I walked out of school, taking my bike and getting on it. I looked around to make sure I wouldn't get run over or something and started making my way back home.

As much as I hate it, I have to go straight home. My lack of friends really gets to me sometimes, especially with the fact I'm starting to lose the one I thought I never would.

3:15pm.

I leaned my bike against the house and stared at the white door in front of me. I chewed at my lip nervously. I know I have to, so I push myself to put the keys into the doors and unlock it.

I opened the door and locked it behind me. "How was school?" I heard my dad speak up from the couch.

"It was alright," I replied simply, going to the kitchen. "Ah, it was just school, huh?" His voice was loud enough the neighbors could probably hear him.

"Yeah." I threw away some trash, including the stupid drawing I made in History. I took a water bottle out of the fridge and went back into the living room.

"God, why are you so hateful to me?" My dad asked. I sighed, rubbing the bridge of my nose in annoyance.

I can't stand this already. "How am I being hateful?" I asked. "The way you act." I looked at him, rolling my eyes.

"How do I act?" "You know how you're acting." "No I don't," I made my way to my room, putting my backpack down and sitting on my bed. I took my phone out, plugging it in.

"Don't walk away when I'm talking to you." I looked up and there he was, at my doorway.

I closed my eyes, trying to calm myself down a bit. "What do you want?"

"Why are you being so rude to me?" He pushed. "I'm not being rude to you." Fuck I hate this. "Yes you are."

Why won't he just stop? "God, can't you just leave me alone?" I opened my eyes, staring directly at him.

His jaw dropped open and his eyes furrowed into a frown. "The hell did you just say to me?"

He walked forward, causing me to flinch back into my bed. "Why'd you do that? You know I'm not in the habit of hitting you."

Doesn't mean I like when you get close to me. "What did I do? What's your problem with me?" He insisted.

"I don't have a problem with you." I groaned. I don't want to deal with this today. "Yes, you do but fine, don't tell me. I'll just call your mother to come get you."

I stayed silent. I wanted to tell him fine, whatever will get me away from you, but that would keep him talking.

He finally left my room, so I got up and closed the door. I sighed, turning back to my bed and walking over. I took a sip of my water and sat down again.

I took my phone and went to spotify, turning on my favorite playlist. The sound of My Chemical Romance's I don't love you filled the room.

I lay back in my bed, staring up at the ceiling. I started thinking about what happened today. I met three people: a girl that seems nice but I only share one class with, a guy who's sweet but I don't have any classes with, and a guy that wants nothing to do with me that I have three classes with.

And of course, Xander. We hung out all but three times this past summer. Three times. In less than three months. And he barely talked with me today.

I have a feeling this years gonna be shit, like always. The only difference between last year and this year is my dad's diminishing memory.

I moved my hands up to my face. I didn't realize the tears that were slowly making their way down my cheeks.

I pulled the multiple blankets on my bed over me, turning on my side and closing my eyes. I can't stand being awake any more today.

[connectionxterminated]

❛⠀⠀🪽﹔aerith gainsborough ﹒shift intro

➽ " we need to make the most of the time we have — to live our lives the way we wanna live. every minute... every moment, matters "﹒⠀🕊

「 ✦ aerith , aeri , ria , rita — she / they ✦

☁️⠀ @satyrsystem ﹒ @spareeees ﹒ @the-wammys-house

﹒ ➽ more info under the cut !

﹒ 🌸 ; ⠀Hi there! I'm Aerith Gainsborough! Most, if not all of you know me by Kratos, previously C and/or Crow! This is a shift of mine I've had for years now! Longer then most if not all of my shifts, including my consistent Kratos shift! I've actually had this shift since I was 8 years old, I've just never noticed until recently! <- that seems to be a recurring theme on my end...

﹒ 🌸 ; ⠀This shift youre seeing now, is the most, if not always prominent! It usually makes me seem way more energetic, hyper, very happy-go-lucky, and super optimistic! Because what's life if you're not living it to the fullest, right?

﹒ 🌸 ; ⠀There is also a split of me within the system who too, is Aerith! She's also really sweet and very kind! If you see her around, say hi, okay?

﹒ 🌸 ; ⠀I go by she/they pronouns within this shift and my gender identity is incredibly fluid, so I'm absolutely genderfluid if you were curious!

﹒ 🌸 ;⠀ I really adore flowers, gardening, a good book and conversations! I consider myself to be a social butterfly and I'm always willing to help others out and I'm always willing to make new friends along the way! So don't be afraid to drop on by and say hello!

﹒ 🌸 ; ⠀My aesthetic switches fairly frequently, but most of the time, if not all the time, my main aesthetics are typically; kidcore, grunge, and very cutesy and soft aesthetics!

﹒ 🌸 ; ⠀This is by all means not a roleplay account, I am genuinely this character and I'd appreciate it very much if you respected this! I'm also many other characters, but I'm not going to be making an intro post for them because then we'd be here all day, and I'd much rather prefer to stick to one post for my most prominent and consistent shift!

﹒ 🌸 ; ⠀Most would describe my personality as fun-loving, energetic and playful! But I can also be pretty shy and rather introverted, despite me being a social butterfly! But don't let that stop you from saying hi! I promise! I'm really nice when you get to know me!

﹒ 🌸 ; ⠀Polyamorous and Pansexual throughout all my shifts, by the way! That doesn't change at all! I have many spouses and I love them all so very much, they genuinely don't understand how much they mean to me!!

﹒ ☁️ ; ⠀Source wise, I remember dating Tifa and Cloud! So all you claerith, cloti, and aerti shippers, it's canon. All three are canon. We are very happy!! I also remember meeting Vau after meeting Biggs, (kind of funny, because I am also Biggs) and after Biggs' death, if I remember correctly, I helped Vau out of the rut and depression he got stuck in. We hit it off and next thing you know, another partner has been added to the list! I don't know if he was also dating Tifa and Cloud, I don't think he was, I think it was just me! Either way, I love those three very much and if you have a problem with it, blehhhh!!!

﹒ ☁️ ; ⠀Me and Vau were the more "rambunctious" of the group, funnily enough! We always stuck together and agreed that wherever we went, chaos would follow!!!

﹒ ☁️ ;⠀ Vau did get sick a lot which also meant the group had to stop pretty frequently for however long, but that was okay! As long as Vau was okay and healthy then so were we! I'd take care of him as much as I possibly could with the help of the others! And he'd do the same!

﹒ ☁️ ; ⠀I remember when I went on stage and sang for the whole world to hear, he sat in the front row, bright eyed and bushy tailed! He looked so happy and proud that I couldn't help but feel like I did something right and I felt really happy that he was so happy!

﹒ ☁️ ;⠀ He couldn't really fight alongside the group so he was mostly just the healer and the provider whenever we needed something! He was also there to keep us company, and overall he was our best friend and he became apart of the family just as he was with Avalanche

﹒ 🌸 ; ⠀There are a lot more memories I have with Vau and company, but I know that if I keep going on and on, this introduction will never end! So that's all I'm going to write for now! Thank you for reading!!♡

[atranswomansdiary]

Day 61

August 5, 2020

I have a couple of confessions to make. Confession time!

First: I think I may be in love. Possibly. Maybe. Probably. If I am, I’ve been for the better part of the last year or so.

My dearly beloved is called J.N. I met them the way I’ve met most of my partners—through my nerd hobbies—and, the first time I saw her, my heart ached with the pain of finding someone so beautiful that they seemed to light the room. As I got to know her better I realize that we shared many tastes, likes, interests, and even perspectives on life, the future, society, etc. She's young, though, almost a decade younger than I am, so I’d be hesitant even if there wasn’t a huge obstacle in the way of my romantic fantasies.

J.N. is in a relationship.

I met her partner the same time I met her and, truth be told, I didn’t like him one bit. It may have been jealousy, I admit, but my gut instinct told me that he wasn't a nice person. And, in fact, I quickly realized that either we didn’t like each other or we just didn’t “vibe”, as the kids say these days.

Considering what happened in my second to last relationship—with P.R.—where I interfered in her relationship with a partner because I felt like she was “the woman of my dreams”, I’m not only hesitant but outright refuse to do the same thing ever again. Not only was our relationship miserable and painful for long parts of it, I’ve always known that interfering in relationships is just plain wrong and, the one time I broke my rule, it ended up in a lot of tears and suffering and self-loathing. I won’t do it again. Not for J.N. and not for anybody else.

Besides, I really like the relationship I have with J.N. right now. We’re good friends, we confide, and we support each other. What more could I ask? If she ever ends her relationship, maybe then I could consider confessing my feelings for them... But not before they’re in a position to start a new relationship.

So, giving this context, I think my following confession—the second and last for the day, I think—will make a little bit more sense.

I told J.N. that I’m "considering transitioning".

I can’t remember exactly how it all came about, but we were discussing how we were dealing with the solitude and isolation of the pandemic, and what new sources of pleasure or happiness have we discovered since the lockdown began, and I just blurted it out without thinking.

I had a few moments of panic—we were sending each other voice messages—as they were recording their reply but, once it came through, it was better than anything I could have hoped for! She was so understanding and supportive and warm and affectionate! I was over the moon and started telling her all about it, everything that has happened to me since the recurring dream with L.M. and the daydream and the things I’ve thinking about and the joy of the genderbent photo of Day 24 and well… Everything. I poured my heart and soul, my dreams and hopes and fears, the bundled mess that I am, into those messages.

And J.N. was so kind and caring and nice to me. She not only accepted me; I felt like she embraced me. Even celebrated me. She made me feel like the idea of transitioning is not so impossible after all. I’m not saying that it is possible now but, with people like this at my side, supporting me and, dare I say, loving me? Everything looks possible.

Even transitioning my 34-year-old ass.

The interesting part, of course, is that I told her first, before any of my other friends. J.N. is my newest friend; as I mentioned before, we met only a year or so ago. Still, I’ve felt such a connection and closeness with her that I cannot but suspect that she’ll be someone very important to me, not only now but in the future. Especially so if I decide to transition.

Even imagining that turning into a reality sends a shiver down my spine and makes me sweat. Before I would’ve said that it was pure fear and terror, but I think I detect more and more the presence of hope and faith in a future I cannot even envision.

May it'll one day be true and not the stuff of dreams.

Until then, with love,

ZZ

[morethanwonderful]

Rereading and really thinking about page 82/the title page after not looking at early Homestuck for a long time makes me feel unhinged. I know the page has been analyzed to death but god there really is just so much in there thematically to unpack.

From more or less the first moment that both concepts come up in Homestuck, wind and loneliness are tied together. It's partly a joke about John being melodramatic about the desolation of his empty mailbox, but it's also the core of his entire character.

John is the Heir of Breath. He's all about freedom and individuality on a symbolic level and wind on a literal level. And as we see time and again, the inherent price of his power is that achieving freedom also cuts him off from others. He's the opposite of blood and bonds. He becomes unmoored from reality and can retcon his own story, teleporting to where and whenever he pleases across the multiverse, but it comes at the cost of relocating to a new timeline where his friends have all shared a reality different than his. And that's just one example.

For John, the aspect of freedom and wind comes at the cost of isolation. Wind is the space that keeps neighbors apart.

Hell, you could even say something about the fact that it's specifically the wind in the gaps between suburban homes that brings up the imagery of desolation. On one hand, talking about loneliness alongside suburbia is an old trope, and for good reason. American suburban architecture and city planning is designed to put people in nuclear family bubbles and isolate them from their communities (and god forbid, anyone outside their immediate community). So the isolating wind in the gaps between picket fence houses is a classic image.

But also, it's really fitting for the specific sense of loneliness that John experiences.

Lots of Homestuck characters have loneliness as a major recurring theme. Even among just the beta kids, Jade's isolation is even more iconic than John's. She spends most of her life alone on an island with just her dog, and in the retcon, she spends three years alone on the ship between realities. She's constantly isolated by great gaps of physical space (heh) between her and the people she cares about.

John's isolation is different. He's never so cut off as Jade from the people he loves, but there's always some gap between them. He has a loving father that he often feels adversarial toward as a kid, and their conflict circa John's thirteenth birthday is in large part because of the harlequin misunderstanding. Dad Egbert is right there in the same house loving John, but there's a fundamental disconnect, and he fails to understand something major about his son.

Plus, we never see any mention of John having friends in his offline life. From his attitude toward himself (constant self-mockery) and the lack of any reference to him having friends that die in the apocalypse, he probably lives a pretty lonely life at school. He's a goofy nerdy insecure kid that can't connect with his peers and has to turn to faraway friends on the internet. Classic suburban isolation.

And it's the same in post-canon! John doesn't have to be cut off from his friends! He can fly and teleport and call/text them any time he wants. There's nothing subjecting him to physical isolation. All the loneliness of his depression is social and psychological. He's living on an empty suburban street—lonely while surrounded by people.

Genuinely, I don't know if there's a better image for him and his arc than the wind that blows through the gaps between cookie-cutter houses. The breeze keeping neighbors apart.

[myovergrowngarden]

Recurring Nightmare (a narrative prose poem by Stephanie Rose Hold, originally published by Fifth Wheel Press for their Dreamland Anthology)

I’ve been having the same nightmare every week since I realized I was transgender. I’m somewhere familiar, somewhere I’ve felt joy and safety in the past. A mall, the mountains, or more likely Disneyland. I’m wandering, looking for something. A new set of clothing, my friends, a quiet place to stop and rest. It doesn’t matter what I’m searching for, it’s always something arbitrary. What is significant is that I never find it. I don’t think I was meant to. Instead, I was only meant to want, to wander, to have a motive to be alone and vulnerable. Now that my mind has set the stage, the nightmare can begin. The final players make their way onto the proscenium. A mob of my old friends starts pouring onto the scene. They don’t approach like a band of marauders pillaging and crashing their way through crowds, nor like a dragon streaking through the sky and promising oblivion. I start to notice them slowly out of the corner of my eye. Old friends from my childhood who I fell out with over politics, old acquaintances from church who I began to bond with before I fell from grace. People who would only recognize me by a name I no longer speak.

The only thing worse than seeing them again is seeing the spark of something in their eyes. A flash of recognition, the familiarity of a feature or a habit through which they notice me. I quickly move away, averting my gaze and trying to fix my hair in case it looks too much like it used to. Of course I am followed. It would be naive to expect that I could get away so easily. They continue to pursue me no matter how many crowds I weave between, how many narrow pathways I duck through. They’re relentless in their pursuit, unafraid of any consequence so long as they can lock eyes with me and confirm their theories. I hear their voices calling a name. A name that should be mine in their understanding. I don’t respond, that isn’t me, that never was me. I keep moving, hoping that eventually they’ll stop searching for someone who only existed in their eyes. They don’t. I never reach freedom, it’s just hours of the chase until I run out of places to hide. Eventually, moments before I jolt awake, they catch me. Either they dart in front of me, force me to make eye contact, or I am pulled back as I feel their hands tighten on my shoulder. One way or another, night after night, I am forced to look them in the eyes and let them make their judgements.

They’re the same. No matter how much I’ve changed, no matter how differently I dress or carry myself, they’re unchanged. Maybe they’re taller, stronger, louder, but they’re the same. Their souls are perpetually immature even as their bodies grow to intimidating proportions. For as much as I want to criticize them for that, or sneer up at them with superiority knowing that I found a way to grow and see the world without the tinted glasses they’ve welded to their faces, I can’t. I can’t feel any confidence, or pride, or safety, because for as much as I think I’ve changed they recognized me. It doesn’t matter that I’ve become my own woman. It doesn’t matter that I’ve found my sense of style, my voice, my community. It doesn’t matter that I’m kinder, smarter, better than I was before. How could any of that matter, how could any of that be real if they recognized me so easily? In an instant I’m no longer a confident, grown woman who loves her life. I’m a fifteen year old boy who hates himself, the world, and everyone he knows, and he doesn’t know why. I’m a pathetic, immature shell built up to protect a girl who wasn’t ready to see the world, except this time there’s no one inside. It was all a lie, I’m a lie, I’m… asleep.

I wake up. I always do. It doesn’t take me long to adjust, to remember that I live in a new city in a new room decorated just how I like it. How I really like it. I curse myself knowing I’ve failed to conquer the fear of running into them again, as if they’d be able to drag me back to an ancient way of thinking with so much as a look of disapproval. Even if I am back in the real world, that nightmare walks with me every day. I avoid the places we used to hang out, I’m cautious where I make my identity known, and who I’m with when I do it. I look over my shoulder and stick close to the ones I trust every time I dare to leave the house in my favorite dress. The day that I see them again, the day that these fears are validated hasn’t come. If I’ve crossed paths with them, they didn’t recognize me and I didn’t recognize them. I hear stories about them, I know they haven’t changed much. With enough time and distance from my dreams I allow myself to believe that I have. I am a better and happier person than I was growing up, I’m a woman fully realized with room to grow and shift. For a few days, I’m myself. Until I have the nightmare again, and like so many things in my life, the performance starts again from the first line.