#i miss it so so very badly
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can we hear the gram parson ghost story? 👀
For sure! I've been lucky enough to stay in Gram's room at the Joshua Tree Inn twice & the first stay was one of the most overwhelming emotional experiences I've had.
As soon as my mom and I got into the room, we felt this very intense warm static rushing up on us that did not go away for at least an hour. I was skeptical of it being anything technically (I personally didn't know if I believed Gram or anything at all was there after having been once before in Emmylou's room); & I took it as more of a "huh. that's interesting" sort of thing. A bit later on, after we'd left to get some water, I was in the room alone stocking the mini fridge & felt the weight of someone's hand pressed on my upper arm, which my mom said she'd also felt upon entering the room. At one point I woke up in the middle of the night to the sensation of someone sitting at the end of the bed & a gentle tapping on my foot. On the last night, as I was sitting on the edge of the bed facing the front door, I felt as if someone had their hand placed on mine in a reassuring gesture, accompanied by the same warm static lingering in front of me. I may have cried, lol.
My mom has told me that I seemed highly affected by something the entire time, which I can't disagree with. The energy of the inn is intoxicating & sedating, time seems utterly slowed there & outside of everything. The best way I can describe (what I believed to be) Gram's presence is that it's a bit like a weighted blanket, a comforting heaviness- with a touch of melancholy.
The morning we were leaving, my mom left her phone recording in the room while we walked around the inn's courtyard taking some pictures. To preface: nobody was in the rooms on either side of us, no one was outside, the windows were closed, no TV was on, the window unit was also off, & we weren't talking. on the recording, you hear us leave & the click of my boots on the pathway fade & then return as I had forgotten some film. As I leave once more, just moments after closing the door, it sounds like someone very faintly says, "Scuse me........ I'm here". The rest of the recording is full of miscellaneous cracks and odd sounds, as if someone were walking around & moving things, in addition to what sounds like intermittent sighing.
If you believe in this sort of thing, I feel it relevant to note that we stayed only a week after the 48th anniversary of his passing. The energy was still there during our second stay (April of 2022) but not nearly as strong. The conclusion I've come to is that whether or not you do think it's Gram, someone is there. Though I did find it reassuring to read entries from his daughter Polly in a guest book, where she writes about feeling him there. If I can get her to find a way to send it to me, I'll be sure to upload the audio here!
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Utterly Defeated (Patreon)
#Doodles#SCII#Helix#<Sticking to my tag so they're all together ♥#Dexter Favin#Max Vyer#But really that's ZEX in there! What's left of him anyway ;;#ZEX#Hhhhhhh it was so goooood and saaaaad <3 <3#Helix is a tragedy - on repeat in my mind ad infinitum#I made most of these upon initially reading - and then I had to sit on them through all of October!! Can you imagine the impatience??#I've been absolutely chomping at the bit for these hhhhh feelings!!! So many!!! Max's eyes and ZEX being behind his single remaining ;;#Dex wanting him to be safe and knowing he used to and now he can't offer it anymore I jifdsahfdjsaf#Have I mentioned I love them lately I love them <3 <3 All of them! Dex and Max and ZEX! And DAX I'm sure ZEX misses him so badly#In a way it was good that I had a bit more time to set it down and come back - I reread it very recently hehe <3#I still get teary at some scenes ah </3 It's so beautifully sad#But it also gave me some time to finish ZEX starting to shape the word ''Max'' and then back off it ahhhh it hurts!!#The rest were at least all lined at the time - came back in to tone some recently but they were all ''finished'' October 1st ah#Especially of Dex waking ZEX to call him by his title hhh they both just want peace so badly but it looks so different to both of them#Lingering on his scar and then carding through his hair <3 Comfort and softness and it's all not enough#His scar is quite fun to draw as well ah - scars tend to be like that haha ♪ The stitches and discolouration give it a unique look!#And the way his hair pulls back from it ah#I had a lot of fun with his hair hiding his bandaged eye as well - just barely peeking out always just enough of a reminder#And all his lying-down poses - his hair is fun to pose like that as well#One of the original Landel doodles of ZEX talking about what Hell would look like for a VUX really struck me as well#Dex can't help him in so many ways ehn </3 He wants to! But he wants Max and he just can't have him anymore#Hhhh it was such a good read <3 <3 <3 Thank you again to Zarla it really made and still makes me happy to read it ahhh ♥♪#Now that I've (finally!) gotten my thoughts out I can read the other!! Yay!!
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yeah, I missed drawing u, u fucking little bastard
have a fanart of my favorite dumbass n most precious bbygirl !!
#art#fnaf#fnaf art#springtrap#fnaf 3#fnaf springtrap#fnaf 3 springtrap#fnaf william afton#william afton#springtrap fanart#gosh I missed drawing this goofy ahh murderey rabbit zombie#so many holes#it makes my hand hurt#wait that sounds very bad NOOOOO#forget that#...#oh god#btw I love him so badly so BAD VERY BAD
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The unmistakable sound of footsteps approaching begins to fill the air. Whoever is coming seems to have brought some company along…
They are getting closer… and closer… and closer…
…and closer…
……until..................
"Goooooood evenin'!!" Comes the loud greeting from a certain blond man. A big smile on his face and all.
"We beg your pardon for our prolonged absence. It was completely beyond our control..." Then adds the gentleman standing by his side, apologizing on behalf of both, offering a genuine smile along with the apology.
"...BUT! We're back!" And hopefully for good this time…
#[HI HIIIIIII~~ HOW'S EVERYONE DOING?? 8)]#[IDK IF ANYONE REMEMBERS ME OR MY MUSES ANYMORE?? BUT HELLOOO]#[one million years later but we're backkkkkk]#[i'd like to start by apologizing for completely disappearing for months without any announcement]#[life has been far from kind all this year so far and this has greatly and negatively impacted me emotionally]#[like..very VERY badly (harmful stuff and etc)]#[all to a point where i've had to take some time off from most social media]#[and which is also why i haven't checked or replied to any messages anywhere in a while]#[not that i'm the most social and most active person ever but you get what i mean here ;v;]#[the original plan was to come back here like a month or so ago but as you can guess i was unable to due to the same irl issues]#[i'm not gonna lie i'm still not doing well]#[but i wanted to come back or at least try to]#[since writing for these two and the ogre street guys always brings me joy and i also missed everyone here!]#[i'm still unsure if dropping threads will be the way to go for now or not#because i have no idea if my partners are still interested in any threads we had prior my unannounced hiatus]#[or if anyone's still interested in interacting with me and my muses again ;v;]#[so if we have ongoing threads i'll likely be jumping into your IMs over the course of the days to ask about it]#[i just need to check my thread tracker first because i can't remember what i owed last time ;;;;;;]#[as always: we can start new stuff any time in case you're no longer feeling whatever threads we had]#[and we can also start from scratch if that's best too]#[so no worries there!]#[enough blablah from me for now]#[i missed you all so much!]#[and to the new followers this blog somehow earned in my absence: Hi!! Thank you for following and I hope we can interact soon!!]#[hope everyone has been doing great during my absence!! <3]#;speedwagon says (( ic ))#;jonathan says (( ic ))#;ic#(??#;speedwagon withdraws coolly
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depression is really weird actually wdym i spent 2.5 years of my life in bed
#and wdym that lifestyle changed so quickly into being out and about and an active member of the world??#very proud of myself#and i mean it wasn't that quick of a change#it was like 1.5 years primarily depression bedrotting with occasional school -> primarily depression bedrotting ->#primarily depression bedrotting with 3-9 hours of work weekly -> straight into 31+ hours school+9-12 hours work weekly#so there was somewhat of a gradual progression#but still#also wowza i wake up 7-7:30am every morning now. 1pm was an early wake up for a not so insignificant amount of time#i mean of all fundamental growth years to miss out on the ages like what 12/13-15 aren't too bad? they would suck in a different way if i#had been socially involved#anyway it's just. yea i'm proud of myself but it is a crazy lifestyle change#and even when i was deeply depressed in a horrible routine i feel like i learned a lot. how to regulate my emotions and cope well and find#the joy in everything. bc if i stayed in bed all day then i would at least be happy about the sun or whatever#and for the while of being not at school at all i WANTED to be at school i just could not find one bc our school system is so cute like tha#(basically every school is at capacity and the local school that has a guaranteed place for me would have been an all boys or girls 😭)#but i miraculously found and got into this school and miraculously made it work so well for me socially and now academically#it's also a good time to get back into school for my education bc any later and it woulda been pretty bad for all my certifications and uni#ive missed out on so much maths that its not worth it to me to try and catch up but my teacher knows that#but ive always hated maths regardless i only ever understood it for the first half of yr 7 then my attendance dropped#and after my recent exam i decided to try harder at school. but i still got an A on the exam i didn't study for!! academic weapon fr#i'm just idk thinking back to myself in the past few years#and how hopeless it all felt. but i got out of it!! i beat the depression and social anxiety and found a good place and made the most of it#and during the peak of my depression i remember i went out someplace near my old school and panicked so so badly about seeing#kids from my old school. and the friends at the time didnt really check on me when i went to shake and cry in a side street lmao#i kept the best of that friendgroup and have better friends now. but anyway now i take a bus each morning with some kids from my old school#and you see these hands? they look like they're shaking to you?#anyway yeah it's just cool i got to this point :) i really had no hope for so long but now i have a life i'm living and a future i'm build#--ing towards#which is funny i just decided some random day last november after watching some better call saul 'huh actually lawyer would b pretty cool'#and will i get there? we'll see but i do have hope now
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c4 with michael :3 (for the outfit meme)
HOPE THIS IS THE MICHAEL YOU MEANT!!!! finley (the one wearing the hoodie, any pronouns) is a fan of anime n c4 felt like a magical girl outfit so. cosplay for finley :3 i accidentally ended up covering the shoes but its fine........ i also added some stockings n gloves !
you also get this extra bc they make me SSSSSSSSSIIIIIICCCCCCKKKK!!!!! i wanna throw them at a wall and hope they explode (LIGHTHEARTED
#Michael Afton#Finley Arendse#FNAF AU#FANF#Put that Michael in a QPP!!!!!!!#In my very elaborate fnaf au; Finley n Mike do fnaf:sl together. And only good things happen guys.#I really like the two of them. Normally. Trust#ANYWAYS!!!! THABK U SODA this was fun and I was glad 2 include Finley there#Initially I was gonna have Finley Mandy Ron n george there cheering for him (<- all fnaf ocs. It's a very elaborate au)#But i wanted it 2 just be them 4 now :3#I ALSO had an idea where both he n Spikhael wore the same outfit n spike's like 'well one of us gotta change'#But she would never wear smth like that.. sad#Bobbie would. I miss bobbie#SORRY I have 5 million fnaf aus that I think of normally#Anyways ooo you wanna ask abt my fnaf aus so badly.......
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guy trapped in a hell of his own creation: haha ive never done anything wrong in my entire life. and im always right:] anyway. why did my little brother move out:(
its so funny to me that at first glance tashi seems like hed be the most 'normal' out of all the clones but at least all the others are slowly healing n shit while hes just getting more and more insane each day and one day hell snap and explode and maim someone
#my art#my funky guys#HES SO FUCKING STUPID.#tashi im sorry ily but youre literally the dumbes fucking motherfucker ive ever seen. and a cringe loser. never change king<3#like. this guy realised he was a clone when he was a month old and decided to base his new personality entirely#on the idealised version of the original he made up in his head.#like he did this to himself!!! he chose to revolve his entire personality around being a 'perfect flawless mom friend'!!!!!!!#in his head hes like the most selfless & altruistic person to ever walk the earth but in reality hes a sad selfish mess who just wants to#be loved.#he started out as a pretty nice and level headed guy who wanted to help ppl but then it just spiraled when he made that his entire#personality bc of his inability to move on from a lie he really wanted to be true.#he percieves shiro as this perfect flawless leader figure and he wants DESPERATELY to imitate that. deep down its not enough for him to#simply coparent and share responsibility w the others. no no no he has to be The Leader and do everything himself!#this mindset results in him later on starting to dismiss and undervalue his familys work and commitment to keeping them all alive-#esp soup. like sHE WAS THERE W HIM FROM THE VERY BEGINNING THEY ARE EQUALS THEY ARE BOTH EQUALLY IMPORTRANT#AND HES SO FAR UP HIS ASS HE FORGOT. somewhere along the line he forgot. he missed the point. he spiraled too deep.#and he knows. he knows but hes so terrified of change and growth and admitting he CANT do this alone.#he wants to be a cool epic capable solo leader AND he craves family and connection soooo badly he cant live w/o his loved ones.#so yeah. hes an angry little pathetic freak<3 i love him#despite all that hes not a bad person. just a flawed guy thrown into a situation so stressful and traumatising that he clinged to the only#coping mechanism he had at the time and just sorta. ran with it.#dw he gets better tho! it takes a lot and his and sticks relationship is strained for a LONG time but he slowly gets better. good for him
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hey hey when Paul (or whoever that was writing the book of Hebrews) tells us not to complain or God might strike us dead, how do we separate that from toxic positivity
#I'm kind of struggling rn guys#being at a *insert denomination here* school full of people who are all trying very hard to appear more or less perfect all the time#is killing my nerves#because see I have just begun to truly break out of my own perfectionism#I wanna put it to death SO badly#but how am I supposed to do that when I constantly feel like I have to perform all the time????#or else be considered a 'bad example'????#there are people here who know me. from years ago and only like 3 of them but still.#I don't enjoy sensationalist preaching#at all. and I feel like there's some of that going on here.#sensationalist and also like. massively dragged out of context in order to make a point.#hhhhh.#gurt says stuff#delete later#I have worked SO HARD to get to this school!!! WHY am I suddenly feeling terrible about the decision to come here!!!!!!!!#just... say some prayers for me plz. I'm exhausted and sad and I miss my family right now.#and it feels like all my friends are out there doing Real Stuff (joining the military; getting married; learning hard skills)#and I'm just over here wandering around campus and feeling alone in a huge crowd of people
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I love making dumb overcomplicated hairbows themed after gacha game alts
#puyo puyo#i am maintagging after a long debate because technically. this is puyo themed.#i wanted to draw them too but after a bit i decided to take it easy and end it at just the ribbons#also#unusual ecolo#draco centauros#i think the draco one is pretty easily identifiable by the theming (miracle charmy)#the ecolo one(transfer student) is a little more difficult imo.#because the thing that sets it apart from any other ecolo alt is very easy to miss#and thats the badly tied knot smack dab in the middle#theres only so much you can do with a little bit of ribbon i had to keep retying it because it turned out too pretty to be a badly tied tie#if you look closer at the top charms on ecolo as well theyre blue flowers#so glad i had those theyre so cute and they tie in very well#also fun fact thats almost unnoticeable from the picture#one of the sides of draco's rainbow ribbon is backwards(really only viewable in direct light)#because if id done them both right side up the colors wouldnt match up and that would bother me more than one side being shinier#take these as my offer for inktober 3. even though its not technically inktober in any way#its inktober in my heart. also because this is the 'do what ive been meaning to for ages' year of inktober#and ive had that rainbow ribbon for months intending to make a miracle charmy draco ribbon with it and never got around to it til now#technically it works
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should def make an expression sheet for her some day but I also like the idea of her having specific smiles and eye squints. shri’iia’s smile when she’s lying is different to her carefree smile, and is different to her smile when she’s being particularly cruel and cutting. the lack of eyebrows are intentional from her matriarch so her face doesn’t give much emotions away but I think overtime she’d learn how to be more expressive. I also like this idea that she does this particular eye squint when she’s calculating or noticing something, but it’s very subtle.
#sorry but I find character body language so FUN…..#and such an interesting way to communicate character concepts#once my schedule is more free I want to make a whole character sheet for her I’ve already done the ref page#but MIGHHT redo it a bit since it’s just front back and I want side and 3/4#but now it’s expression sheet too. and her updated outfit sheet#face sheet that goes more in depth abt her features and how to draw them#honestly just planning these are so exciting for me these are so fun to do and I missed doing them badly 🤭🤭🤭#also wanna draw a difference between her practiced smile vs her relaxed smile. I think it’s a bit different#and now im thinking about it I don’t think she’d been relaxed in her life ever or it’s just a very rare occurrence lmfao
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Stupid period vent
If youre a cis man; kiss a uterous haver on the forehead today
Cus fuck this feels like a mental parasite
#:(#i hate getting my period :(#im so emotional#fuck a stupid tiktok has me hyperventalating over hpw i miss my mom and i was 4 again#my dad doesnt come home for another 3 hrs......#i need a hug so badly i wanna call him and ask him to come home but i shouldnt#.....fuck i think i might need to#i hate that i was literally fine until that stupid tiktok....#have you guys seen the cat Mao cartoons on tiktok? i always get sucked and forget theyre always emotional#this one was about a mom cat and a kitten and the mom cat died#i hate my mom and think she did horrendous things to me i shouldnt be screaming how much i miss her#fuck.#i dont wanna keep growing up and watching everyone die or leave#fuck im spiraling so bad#the safe thing might be to call my dad but i really really shouldnt make him leave work#i can never do the right thing im so fucking broken#i really need a hug and a joint#if i dont message you back im ok: i just feel very uncontrollable rn#going back n forth between anger and heartbreak#ALL OF THIS OVER A FUCKING TIKTOK#im so fucking stupid..#ill be okay i just hate being alone when im thinking about my mom/dark stuff#im not even sewerslidal im just extreamly emotional and its scaring me#if im not ok by 3pm ill call my dad#i feel nothing one minute and then i feel everything and rinse repeat#i just hate that i get triggered so easily#i already feel a lil calmer im just tired n need a hug#i know that im safe my body just physically does not feel safe#so im like trapped in my head#but if my dad was here hed be able to pull me out
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If anyone(read: nobody) was curious about Ustinya's scale :D
#many people are on hiatus rn#my hiatus is that you guys have to look at my oc-posting#ive missed them <3#i think i may have made her a bit bigger than shes supposed to be but like. thats okay :)#did you see i gave up on the other hand shhhh dont look at it#she is praising one of her subordinates bcs someone told her encouragment and praise leads to good behavior and work ethic#i think you could tell her anything about human behavior#and she'd be like 'hmm that sounds reasonable enough'#her subordinates are in a constant moral battle of:#'youre taking advantage of her when you make up lies just so you can get her affection' vs#'shes a god she cant be taken advantage of. im gonna go ask her to kiss my head and tell her it fixes sadness'#anyways it is not bird wife hours it is bird wife days <3#shes just the one coming to me lately lmao. i tried to draw a dif oc and it went badly and then i went and draw Ustinya perfectly#so yea :) hope you guys dont mind 🤭 but yes this is my hiatus. from fandom stuff generally#ill prob end up drawing fanart and drf watching 2010 more before the ssn begins but this oc stuff is very comforting 🥺#catie.art.#ustinya#art
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people who still make Joey the ink demon despite canon steering far away from that being the case this is for you I am sending u kisses XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXO <3
People who make Joey well-meaning, sympathetic, a lighter shade of morally grey than canon I am also sending u lots of love <3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3!!
And people who generally steer wildly from the direction Bendy takes with its characters and has fun with it I hope to see more from all of ur aus and rewrites!!
#ramblez#batim#batdr#this is not me saying aus that don't do this r bad blah blah I just personally have a super soft spot for Joey being the ink demon#since I really like the idea storywise the symbolism of Joey becoming the ultimate monster of this story#joeys who also take a very sympathetic role who are more morally grey than canon also hold a special place in my heart#joeys who think what theyre doing is right not just for them but for their staff who genuinely care abt them who love them mwah#I just love to see very unique takes on these characters I kinda miss when it was only like chapter 2 so everyone had this wildly#different but very unique and fun takes on where we thought the story would head hell for a while we didn't know if Joey was evil or not#thats what spawned Encore it was originally just a collection of theories I thought would come true#esp since I dont think bendy is a particularly well written story its fun to see the fandom have such fun wild ideas on where to take#the concepts and idea presented in bendy that never really panned out into anything interesting or were discarded or retconned#yknow? I miss the days where the aus were wildly out of sync with the actual story when all we had was a few names a few tapes#and we all went wild making our versions of the story and characters and then got so attached to them we doubled down#when canon didnt deliver on em#umm oops this is long have a great new year folks! Get wild get weird with ur bendy aus and rewrites#lets have fun this year and take canon as optional bc lets face it Bendy isn't great but man is it fun and I care abt that way more than#the quality of the story tbh#it had great ideas and executed them uh badly! But idc bc I can stir those great ideas in my head all day and see others do the same <3#anyways yeah thats it love ya guys have a great 2024 <3
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here's my hot take
#your boyfriend game#i forgot who the other characters are but heres little miss cockblocker and my beloved TK 💚✨💕💖🫀💔#i call him that becuase he keeps COCKBLOCKING me by committing murder and thats crine.#cringe#i like thinking about the high school au because i have confidence that if he went to school with me i could drive him to suicide.#i have the opposite of rizz. like instead of making people want me i make them hate themselves. only when i want to tho#and it's not like i have anything against bald people or violent criminals. the warden from human centipede 3 is both of those and i want#him so fucking badly. all day all night no lube no protection god is dead and we have killed him knock me out and attach me to the prison c#ntipede.#anyway i tried to play this game because he reminded me of said warden. but i got kind of attached to the landlord character#and when i found out theres no way to have sex with him i got so mad i threw up & punched a wall & now my real landlord is mad at me for p#unching a wall.#god's whims are cruel and i am a plaything of life😃#and its all this eggcel (pre-trans femcel) (my headcanon) 's fault i hope everyone die slowly and painfully#except TK i want them to live. they deserve to be happy 💖#anyway i wish p*t*r was real so i could send him this image. i think he would kill himself if he saw this. i would if i was him#i would also kill myself as soon as i found out i was named after a f*mily g*y character tho. so obviously he's not very similar to me.#hate. let me tell you how much ive come to hate you since i began to live. tehre are 387.44 mi9llion miles of#hey if you censor f*m*ly g*y like f***** g*y people will think you're just being homophobic instead of a show hater#gonna start censoring it ike that. teehee#anywway#miku binder the joker and vivziepop heffley. fight#my posts
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I have fairy lights in my room again and I’ve decided everything is going to be ok actually
#aya.txt#i missed having them so badly!!#and because it’s just after christmas they were very cheap :))#++ I’ve been getting sleep paralysis again recently so it will be nice to wake up to warm little lights instead of the dark ;-;#the whole room feels cozier <3
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Cevio x Hanon and Kotoha what...
#the voices sound good to me oh..#i find the designs very meh tho#too much white idk they look like boring ver of Hanon and Kotoha's characters to me#can't wait to hear some full ver of the songs#i wouldn't even call myself a Hanon and Kotoha fan but oh whenever it's about haniwa. hi im there#I hope honeyworks will use them more instead of Kafu they use Kafu so badly sryy..#i miss their Gumi and Miku songs.. even Len.. idk Kafu and Flower sound so bad when they use them#(Flower sounded good in Inokori Sensei tho what happened </3)#whatever it's unrelated#also while i'm excited because there is a lot of producer i like in the album#vsynth with realistic voices of singer i already listen is not that interesting to me#but i want to hear the songs so badly#so yeay for me
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