#being at a *insert denomination here* school full of people who are all trying very hard to appear more or less perfect all the time

[fortes-fortuna-iogurtum]

hey hey when Paul (or whoever that was writing the book of Hebrews) tells us not to complain or God might strike us dead, how do we separate that from toxic positivity

[letscuttothefeeling]

season three episodes nine & ten

Okay everyone, after a short hiatus, I’m back and ready to reenter the world of Siesta Key, much like Alex after his long-awaited return in episode three of this season. There’s a lot of ground to cover here, (over yonder and hither north), and a lot of bare ass to see. So let’s just cut to the feeling!

The summer’s third most important event on the Key, following closely behind Alex’s birthday which didn’t happen, and the Kompothecras Autism fundraiser which has yet to happen, is the Fourth of July. We all know how much the cast loves a themed bathing suit party and an excuse to take as many blueberry and watermelon Smirnoff Jello shots as possible, so this day is an honored tradition! But this year, we discover Juliette will not be participating in the annual debauchery. She’s under the impression that Alex and Alyssa will attend BG’s pool party, so in a rare moment of maturity (sorry Jules, but you know it’s true), she decides to work the holiday instead so that Blend, the boutique she works for, will be ready for its opening party. We love to see her contribute so thoroughly to Florida’s flourishing haute couture scene. But she’s mistaken – Alex and Alyssa are actually planning to head to Alyssa’s lake house in Georgia. (Go Dawgs! Sic em! Woof Woof!) Alyssa has invited Alex’s self-proclaimed “posse” consisting of JJ, Jared, Amanda, and Chloe. Her best friend Madi will also be there. I love being introduced to cast members’ friends because the company people keep is very telling of their overall aesthetic and vibe. Madi’s Instagram bio says that “chaos makes the muse,” and from that, I can assume that she’s a basic white girl who is obsessed with Show Me Your Mumu and uppers. How fitting!

Every girl who exclusively wears Show Me Your Mumu’s feed

While everyone is finalizing their FOJ plans, Madisson is enjoying a romantic evening at Ophelia’s On the Bay with Ish. This classic Siesta Key establishment is reserved for special occasions, so I’m already at the edge of my seat wondering what is going on in Ish’s shiny, bald head. Ish pulls a small jewelry box out of his pocket, and I’m breathlish. I mean, breathless. Is Ish going to propose?! Madisson’s face lights up, then falls when she sees the box has a necklish in it instead of a ring. Bummer! But rest assured, the jovial grin returns to Madisson’s face moments later when Ish asks her to move in with him! I mean, she’s quite literally giggling with excitement. Whatever happened to playing it cool? In fact, Madisson is SO jazzed that she suggests Ish come to lunch with her entire family soon, since her older sister, Paige will be in town. You may remember Paige as the girl who hooked up with both Pauly and Canvas, two major SK players. Fabulous track record. I can’t wait to see her again.

Country roads, take me home! We have arrived in Albany, Georgia and are ready to hit the lake and celebrate America! But before the celebration can begin, everyone must decide who is rooming with who. Chloe quickly nixes the possibility of Amanda rooming with JJ, and later chastises Amanda for even thinking about rooming with her toxic ex. Between you and me, Amanda looks quite peeved with her friend’s overbearing orders. After everyone gets settled, and Jared makes a connection with Alyssa’s friend Madi, Chloe walks inside and sees Alyssa shucking corn, something Alyssa apparently thinks only happens in the south, even though everyone literally everywhere who eats corn needs to shuck it. Alyssa confides in Chloe about Alex’s recent shuck up – his confession that he was on the phone with Juliette for six hours. Chloe lets it slip that Alex only admitted his wrongdoing to Alyssa after Chloe pushed him to do it, which makes Alyssa angry. She confronts Alex about it, and all I have to say is that if this is any indication of how Alex responds when presented with damning evidence, I do not want him representing me. He immediately gets defensive and angry at Chloe, and as much as I hate to admit it, Alyssa holds her own. She gets mad at Alex for attacking Chloe for simply telling the truth. Instead of just owning up to what he’s done wrong, Alex stammers out a half-apology and looks ready to fight Chloe. Oh no.

Cut to JJ and Amanda, grilling up some burgers and a hot conversation! After discussing their rekindled flame despite their tough past, Amanda tells JJ about another wrench in their road to romance – Chloe’s blatant disapproval. JJ looks really annoyed with the intrusion. I mean, he’s had to deal with BG, the fact that he cheated on Amanda multiple times already, and now this?! It’s so unfair. Speaking of BG, back on the Key, Brandon’s party is in full swing. You know what else is in full swing? The bare ass of a girl attending the party. Listen, I know the show loves to transition scenes by showing close-ups of scantily clad females, but this is just not something I can get behind. (Ha!) In all seriousness though, readers, please consider using something more than floss to cover your asshole if you ever find yourself on national television.

There’s more than one ass at this party, and her name is Kelsey. Sorry Kelsey stans, but this scene is just so violently cringe-worthy that I almost threw the remote at my screen. Kelsey can be so off-putting when she tries to flirt. But she’s hot and on a reality show so I’m not too worried about it. G Baby approaches Kelsey and asks her where “Jakey-poo” is. It’s worth noting that the robots controlling Garrett are becoming increasingly upsetting as well. Kelsey informs the Robot Garret that Jake is “over yonder, hither north” and then giggles/hiccups. I’m actually grimacing as I type this. Their nauseating display reminds me of why they’re actually perfect for each other. Foreshadowing, maybe? Kelsey then asks the question we’ve all been wondering – are Cara and Garrett still talking? Garrett says that they are not talking anymore, which is exactly what BG says about Amanda when Madisson asks. And as the fireworks explode in the night sky, I can’t help but think about the lack of fireworks in the love lives of our beloved cast. 

Back at the lake, tensions are rising faster than the current unemployment rate. Chloe seems to be the common denominator in everyone’s annoyance, and at dinner, everything comes to a head. Looking directly at Chloe, Alex asks, “Chloe, I know you like hanging out with us, but are you more of a team Juliette girl?” Chloe warns him “not to go there,” but Alex keeps pushing, accusing Chloe of being “finnicky.” Alex Merriam- Webster Kompothecras back at it again with the BURNS! Nice try buddy, I guess they don’t have vocab in law school. (I believe Alex meant to say “fickle,” but let me know your thoughts.) Chloe fires back by asking Alex a question – why hasn’t he made things official with Alyssa yet? Future Lawyer Alex blesses us yet again with a genius rebuttal: “Why? Because… I’ve… learned that… you shouldn’t push things. And when… the time is right...” Chloe cuts him off by reiterating that Alex still continuously hits Juliette up. At this point, I feel so bad for Alyssa who is just sitting there like a vegetable. But before I can focus on how painfully awkward she must feel, Amanda randomly starts butting in and yelling at Chloe for inserting herself in everyone else’s relationships. Chloe inserting herself in other people’s lives is literally the core theme of the show. Please get over it. Amanda keeps yelling because she’s clearly annoyed with Chloe’s criticism of JJ, and as JJ sits there, harrowingly silent, Chloe tells Amanda to fuck off and storms out of the lake house. Let’s all pray she didn’t drive home. The night isn’t all bad though – after the fight, Jared ends up sealing the deal with Madi, who insists that she “usually doesn’t do this on the first night.” Okay, sweetie. After Jared is unable to perform, the night, which began on an explosive note ends on a rather underwhelming one.

The fourth may be over, but the aftermath from the day remains. And what better way to catch up on the day’s events than over lunch? As Chloe meets up with Juliette to explain what happened at the lake, Madisson takes Ish to meet up with her entire family and break her news to them. I predict that while Chloe and Juliette’s lunch will go swimmingly, Madisson and Ish’s lunch will turn sour quickly. And I’m right! Juliette drinks in every last detail of Chloe’s public fight with Alex. I’m proud of her for steering clear of the drama this time, but I’m not naïve. Juliette can only be on the Key drama-free for so long. Let’s check in with Madisson. As anticipated, this is not going well. After Madisson’s mom asks if she is pregnant, and Madisson’s Dad refuses to acknowledge that she and Ish are anything but “just friends,” Madisson tells her family that she plans to move to Los Angeles with Ish. They appear less than pleased. It is a stark contrast from Madisson’s giddy reaction when he initially proposed the idea. Ish gently reminds her family that while Madisson would like their blessing, she is a grown woman and can make her own decisions. He knows their situation is “so unique”, but hopes they will grow to accept their relationship. Paige, Madisson’s sister, breaks her silence. While Madisson was hoping she might be an ally for their relaysh, she turns out to be team parent. “Unique…?” Paige questions. “Isn’t this more of a cliché? The old Hollywood producer sleeping with the actress…” Ouch! And here I thought her father was the harsh one!

While Madisson’s relationship becomes increasingly rocky, Alex decides to take things up a notch with Alyssa. During a bizarre conversation in which he essentially admits that he still has feelings for his ex-girlfriend, Alex seals the deal with Alyssa and asks her to be official. I wonder what prompted him to take the next step! Could it have been Chloe point-blank asking him why he hadn’t made things official with Alyssa the night before? We may never know. Regardless, Alyssa accepts the clearly sincere offer and Siesta Key has a new power couple. “Wait,” you might be thinking. “New power couple? But what about Ish and Madisson?” Oh, thanks for the reminder. Alex and Alyssa are only able to overthrow this couple because…they’re done. Gasp! In a shocking scene, Ish breaks up with Madisson on national TV. If I’m Madisson, a stunning 25-year-old girl who is D-List famous and kind of intelligent, I’m furious. How dare my old, overweight ex-producer dump my ass in front of all of America. But after Ish says he needs space and doesn’t think they should be together, Madisson just starts to softly cry and runs off-screen, away from her now ex-Father ex-boyfriend. I am torn because I know that Ish means well. It’s like that time in Stephanie Meyer’s classic American novel, New Moon. When Edward realizes that his relationship with Bella puts her safety and ability to lead a normal life at risk, he knows he must leave her. Even if it’s the last thing he wants to do. He must act out of selfless love. Eventually, though, he comes back to Bella…we can only hope for the same fate for Dadisson.

Speaking of exes, let’s check in on everyone’s least favorite exes, Boring Robby and Juliette! Boring Robby is throwing some sort of strange soirée, and it’s a little awkward that Juliette is there considering the last time these two saw each other it ended rather abruptly. But Juliette, on a mature streak, pulls Boring Robby aside and apologizes for the harsh convo. She invites him to the Blend opening as a peace offering, and even though he accepts, Boring Robby can’t help but push for a few more answers. He asks Juliette why she would ever say she loved him, and Juliette responds by explaining that while she did love him, she wasn’t in love with him, because she felt like he was “fatherly.” Okay y’all, you’ve heard of getting friend-zoned, but today we’re introducing you to a new dating trend, getting “dad-zoned!” She ends the talk by saying that she’s ready to make her own decisions without the influence of any man. Yas kween! The only other notable thing that happens at this party is that Garrett refers to himself as the “G-Slanger,” which to me, is really thrilling.

But not everyone is dartying today. Despite their blowout, business aficionados Chloe and Alex must meet at the Crescent Club to “work.” Before they hit the books, Chloe expresses her frustration with Alex. She explains that Alex is now doing the same thing Juliette did at the beginning of the summer. He’s mad at Chloe for continuing to be friends with Juliette. And WHY can’t she be friends with both!? Alex vehemently denies this claim but agrees that they need to find a way to smooth things over with everyone. On a more somber note, Jake comes over to Kelsey’s house and tells her that his father passed away, so he needs to return home. He also breaks things off with her. :( One of those rare actually intense moments in this show.

Blending business and pleasure never works, so when Alex shows up at Blend’s sign hanging, Juliette looks less than amused. Instead of gearing up for the opening party that night, Alex whisks Juliette away from her boss and coworker to have a chat with her. The chat goes absolutely nowhere – they’re literally talking in circles, saying the same things we’ve heard for three seasons. Juliette tells Alex she’s going to pretend like he doesn’t exist, and Alex responds with a menacing smile and says, “see you later.” I’m scared.

It’s time for the official opening of Blend! While I’m still confused as to how they were able to pull it together in time when Juliette went to Greece instead of helping out, I’m so proud of Juliette, Juliette’s random friend Kelly, and Juliette’s bitchy boss Courtney. Great job, ladies! Everyone seems to be having a good time until Alex and Alyssa waltz in. The party crashers, making their debut as an official couple, make their way across the venue. But while Alyssa passes Boring Robby without a second glance, Alex, who has yet to see his “ex-friend who dated his ex-girlfriend,” stops in front of Boring Robby and flicks him on the face. If I’m Alyssa, I’m breaking up with Alex then and there. He might as well take the microphone and scream “I’M NOT OVER JULIETTE” into it. But of course, Alyssa turns the other way and pretends to barely notice it. Boring Robby is still visibly reeling from the flick. Even though he’s trying to pretend like it was funny, you can tell he’s taken aback. Alex approaches him AGAIN, slaps him on the ass, and threatens to “knock [his] fake-ass teeth out.” In true Boring Robby fashion, he simply walks away, refusing to engage and keeping things as boring as possible. Luckily, Boring Robby’s spunky friend Joe is there to keep the reality show on track and talk a lot of shit. He starts by flipping Alex off and saying that Alex “hides behind his money.” Alex responds by bringing up Robby’s penis size. Maybe we’ve gotten it wrong this whole time. Maybe Alex is really into Boring Robby, and is mad at Juliette for getting in the way. Eventually, Alex lunges at Joe and threatens to fight him. As a future lawyer, Alex should know better than to physically attack anyone in public, specifically someone who is a literal walking hate crime, but then again, Alex isn’t known for his intelligence.

The next day, Kelsey heads to Boring Robby’s to make sure her job is still secure in light of all of the chaos that has ensued. (Remember that he’s randomly her boss, lol.) He assures her that all is okay, and has no problem with “continuing to use and abuse her.” I don’t think he got that quote from his collection of bizarre inspirational sayings, but it still made me cringe just the same. When Kelsey brings up the fight, Robby describes it as “par for the course.” I cannot get enough of his expressions! They’re never-ending! Later, when Juliette checks on Boring Robby to make sure he’s okay after the fight, he also assures her that he’s okay, that the fight was “par for the course,” and that “some zebras never change their stripes.” I’ve said it once and I’ll say it again, Boring Robby is truly the Confucius of our generation.

In the wake of the big fight, Chloe, resident shit-stirrer, is more determined than ever to mend all of the strife in her friend group (that she primarily caused.) Summoning her inner Mother Teresa, Chloe sends out a text to her friends demanding they meet up to hash things out. The text ends with a sweet message – “YOU ARE REQUIRED TO BE THERE SO I DON’T WANT ANY FUCKING EXCUSES.” Chloe certainly knows the way to people’s hearts!

In the final scene of this lengthy, two-episode extravaganza, we see the OG crew plus Jared at a bonfire. It’s nice to see all of the original cast together. Madisson kicks off the meeting by explaining how important everyone is to her. She breaks down, detailing how badly she needs a support system since her family hasn’t been there for her and Ish is gone. Chloe quickly glazes over the heartfelt cry for help and changes the direction of the conversation towards Alex and Juliette. As she tries to get them to see eye to eye, a very wasted Juliette calls Alex a “piece of shit” while Alex laughs in her face and tells her to go “bob her head” in the corner. I hate myself for laughing, but Juliette definitely nods her head weirdly when drunk. They peel off and have an emotional conversation that everyone can hear, and it ends with Alex holding a sobbing Juliette, assuring her that he would jump in front of a bullet for her. I don’t know about you, but I probably wouldn’t be chill with my boyfriend doing that with (or for) his ex. Either way, at least they aren’t screaming at each other.

The episode ends with Brandon announcing a trip to Nashville. He’s going to record a song and wants to bring everyone along for a vacation. The two-part finale will take place in Nashville, and I cannot wait. In the words of Alex Kompothecras, future lawyer, “Sara-nara!” See y’all in Nashville next week!

[bothsandneithers]

Day 2047

For twenty days, I don’t have an email account or Facebook; I am not someone’s graduate student or employee; a con-man, mad-mad is not my president; I don’t reside in Denver, and I don’t have friends that I’ve been meaning to see. I’m not sure what that leaves me. Extract me from my culture, and I’m left with even less. Like, what are we even doing? Floating from country to country, just consuming and not contributing. It’s such an excess experience, seeing sites and museums -- like Mozart’s birthplace in Salzburg, where I guess I gained some comfort in learning that this musical genius saw the utility in traveling and did so for most of his adult life. But, in the same breath, we don’t have the counterfactual of how great he would have been if he would have stayed  --

-- hey, I interrupt myself, standing in the middle of a hotel room in Vienna where Marshall cabinets serve as nightstands, and the bathroom incontestably and inexplicably smells like the powdered seasoning from a chicken-flavored Cup O’ Noodles: Have you seen my other sock?

That is a good question, Don says, pleasantly, emphatically, and with the perfect undertones of rhetoric to imply: I’m not going to address any of your comments leading up to the concrete question about a misplaced article of clothing, because what are you even talking about.

 (

This reminds of the time that I rambled on about almost missing a train in Budapest: Time is a relentless parameter on my existence, and I don’t want to give it more of my life than I need to. Waiting at a train platform is considered preparation time, and I want to limit my allocation of time for such activities. I’m sorry that I almost made us late, but isn’t almost-late actually precisely-on-time? 

I must be really funny or very amiable or a light packer or something.

Because that must get old.

)

But to circumvent my unrelatable quandary of, like, what are we even doing (because I don’t really know why I travel), I will say that even though people and food and places make me tired, I do like the ordinary moments that accompany them. Seeing new places is a luxury; having a cleared mind to pay attention to the things around you is a greater one.  

In Iceland, he accidentally withdraws 1,000 dollars from the ATM at the airport (aren’t there restrictions on such a thing?). We’ve only been here for a day, and he slyly takes out the entire wad of cash, sheepishly becoming familiar with the denominations as he fumbles through each transaction.

We drive through a town, with a paper map, and I read the upcoming intersection with as much grace and effort as when I once tried to pronounce the name of my Ikea bed frame; my voice trails off to an incomprehensible and lazy mumble after the second vowel.

We wake up at noon. We put blueberries in our blueberry yogurt and then drive up to some lava land. We park with all of the tourists but quickly find ourselves on a path away from most of them. The lava walls rise up to form a chasm, and a little path lays below. The French man is on the path and is calling up to his wife, who appears  as if she were a mountain goat -- a stuck mountain goat -- wielding off instructions to her husband, and sometimes to us. It is entirely unclear if she is trying to help him out of the valley or if she is trying to find her way to him. Bonjour, Don says to them. I wonder how they got themselves in that predicament, he says to me.

“We are not meant to know everything, Mae. Did you ever think that perhaps our minds are delicately calibrated between the known and the unknown. Our souls need the mysteries of night and the clarity of day? You people are creating a world of ever-present daylight, and I think it will burn us alive. There will be no time to reflect, too sleep, to cool -- “

-- I KNOW. I say, and toss the book, The Circle, on the coffee table, frustrated that it is both two in the morning and not dark out. I can’t even enjoy this light. It’s not like the daylight that I like to stare out at. I feel like I’m spying. I worry that I will see things that I’m not supposed to see. Dark and night things. This is not my time to exist.

It feels like a lifetime ago that we left Iceland and land in Munich, although it has only been about six hours. We do laundry in a neighborhood near the train station. I like doing laundry when I am traveling. It helps me feel like I belong somewhere. I stand outside, leaning against the building. Me? I’m not just a tourist. I’m a tourist doing laundry. About five minutes ago, I figured out that if I push a button here, then the washing machine over there will fill with water. I belong. I engaged with the world without language. Of course I feel insecure, intimidated, and alienated by, say, the busy morphemes of Hungarian, or the seriousness of German, but I’m not entirely helpless.

We eat dinner in an inner courtyard of a neo-gothic structure in Munich. We hear sounds coming from a nearby table, and all of the candlelit diners disrupt their conversations to see what it is.  There he is. He orders a larger-than-life pork shank. He has invited his laptop to dinner as his date, and World of Warcraft on his screen. I know this game because I saw this video on the internet once that was a recording of characters playing this game (which is a thing that people do). All of the characters were huddled in an inner courtyard of a neo-gothic structure to plan their attack on some bad guys, because one of their teammates, Leeroy Jenkins, needs a shield or something. They strategize. They come up with their plan. One teammate calculates the probability of dying. They have a thirty-two point three-three (“repeating, of course”) percentage of survival.  It’s a selfless act, but before they can implement their plan, Mr. Jenkins takes off, running into the inner courtyard of a neo-gothic structure proclaiming his own name, inserting at least six duplicates for every vowel uttered. I think they all die.

I don’t want to say that what is happening in this courtyard is meta, because I think that term cheapens the experience.

“Infested with tourists” reads a TripAdvisor comment -- the same comment from which I stole the phrase “inner courtyard of a neo-gothic structure.” That’s also what the graffiti says in Vienna. Well, it actually reads: Tourists are Terrorists, but it shares the same derogatory sentiment.  But I am sometimes fond of this infestation; I think it’s wildly enjoyable.

Five minutes until the full train departs from Munich and people are panicking to get on (I did a poor job of managing my time, and so I am already on the train). It’s the family from the Midwest, you know them. They have been planning this trip for the longest time. We don’t know if there are four or five children. The mom is the friend’s mom you had in high school: A planner who is nice to her daughter’s friends, but is relentless in making sure that they know what they are going to be doing five years from now. The dad is the project manager on another team at work who seems nice enough, but you aren’t sure if he is actually good at his job. They all funnel in the departing door. Most of them through the same door.

Where’s Jimmy??

He’s in the back?

Where Tim?

He’s behind me!

Don slinks down in his seat; reeling in discomfort of the disorganization of the family. This is how Home Alone starts, he mumbles.

The dad begins swinging at least five overstuffed and identical suitcases into the overhead bins. He instructs the child closest to him: Seat of opportunity. Take the seat of opportunity.

He likes the sound of this. He gets louder for the whole train to hear him -- for his teammates back home to be inspired by the metaphor: Seats of opportunity, people! Seats of opportunity! It’s okay if we aren’t sitting next to each other; find a seat!!

I think of traveling as being similar to rapidly heated milk -- more specifically, the film of protein that forms over the top of the liquid, which might actually be called milk skin. If you took a fork, peeled off that top layer and ate it, you would be misleading your Facebook friends when you tell them that you drank a cup of milk (this metaphor is both gross and deteriorating). Sometimes you are lucky enough to meet people, or know people where you are going, and really get in a good gulp -- say, by attending a wedding, which happens on this trip. 

Back home, the United States of America shrinks into a corner, and retracts from the rest of the world in an act of distorted self-preservation that will ultimately contribute to its own downfall. It signals to the world that it is afraid of collaboration. The Germans we sit next to at the reception say they find him entertaining. I’m glad to hear that they aren’t losing sleep over him. 

The vowel harmony of the Hungarian language dances upon each of us as the bride and groom marry. The officiant kindly and effortlessly translates to English. New, yet familiar faces are met with recognition and delight as we pass each other in a traditional Hungarian dance circle. The second dinner at midnight comes at the right time replenish the guests.

Right here is one of those moments where it all converges. The appreciation of the banal and the friendly yet distant observations of humanity from train seats and cafes coincides with an untarnished connection between people, in spite of geopolitical boundaries. This might be a good reason to travel.