#i mean there was bullying and toxicity happening back then too but it seemed so much easier to ignore than it does now

[weezerlvr228]

It's giving the...main character syndrome. like who tf does she think she is??? Y/N???

NO OH MY GOSH ANON. LET ME TELL YOU. LET ME FRIGGIN TELL YOU.

[eddiexmunsonlover-archive]

One Step Away From You (Chapter 4)

ExBestFriend!Eddie Munson x PlusSize!Fem!Reader

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Chapter Summary: Your off-handed comment to Jason catches up to you. Before things get out of hand, someone swoops in to your defense. A heart-to-heart ensues. WC: 6.4k Warnings: MDNI. Explicit language. Fatphobia/bullying from Jason. Jason almost hits you. Brief references to toxic family relationships and abuse.

Saturday, September 21st, 1985

The ever so alluring smell of bacon and pancakes invades your senses, stirring you from your slumber. You rub your eyes as you look at the clock on the bedside table. 10:35 am. You slept in, though you can’t say you’re surprised. After the day you had, you must’ve really needed it. You roll out of Steve’s spare bed, making sure to re-make it before you venture down the stairs. 

The smell intensifies with each step down the stairs and into the kitchen, spotting the stack of pancakes and bacon waiting to be picked. Steve is pouring a cup of coffee, eyeing you as you grab a plate and start loading it up.

“Morning, sleepy head”

“Morning, haircut” you respond, taking a quick bite of bacon. Groaning softly in pleasure, “You know, Steve. If you don’t figure out what you wanna do for a career, I think you’d make a great little housewife.” You smirk to yourself as you pour syrup onto your plate. Steve scoffs out a laugh.

“Yeah, I’ll get right on that. Know any takers?” You laugh with him before you catch a glimpse of Robin sitting on the couch, eating her own plate. 

“Oh, hell yes.” you say excitedly when you see and hear Scooby-Doo, Where Are You? playing on the TV. You quickly scurry over to join Robin on the couch with your own plate. Steve joins soon after, all leisurely eating your brunch and watching Saturday morning cartoons. After you’ve all finished your plates and are relaxing before eventually having to get ready for your work shifts, Steve speaks up.

“So, we gonna talk about what happened yesterday?”

You look between him and Robin, confused. You quirk an eyebrow up at him.

“Uh, what happened yesterday? What do you mean?”

“I mean, something happened yesterday, didn’t it? You seemed a bit…off.”

Goddamnit. If Dustin hadn't learned it from you, you're now sure he learned his ability to read people so well from Mr. Steven Harrington too.

“Did you talk to Eddie?” Robin asks softly.

You sigh, crossing your arms over your stomach.

“I mean, you don’t have to tell us anything. But if you want to, you know we’re here. I’m also just really nosey.” Steve adds, causing a smirk to tug at your lips before you take a deep breath.

“Yeah. I talked to him. Ran into him after lunch, literally. And uh, let’s just say it did not go well. He kinda flipped out on me. But, I kinda deserved it. Aaand, I kinda slapped him. But, he kinda deserved it.” You let yourself laugh a little, taking in their surprised faces.

“So yeah, based on that I don’t think we’ll be friends again anytime soon. At least I can say I tried.” You finish with a shrug.

Robin reaches out and rubs your arm soothingly as Steve looks at you with sympathy and in thought. 

“I’m sorry, Y/N” he sighs, “Maybe just give things some time to cool down, I’m sure he’ll come back around.” He gives you a soft, crooked smile.

“Yeah, maybe. And if not, I’m sure I’ll be okay.” you say, more to yourself than to them.

You pull into your driveway an hour later. You sit there, finishing your cigarette as your eyes linger on the now familiar van across the street through your rear-view mirror. You look longer than you’d like, finally tearing your eyes away to throw out your cig. Cutting off the sounds of Black Sabbath as you turn off the ignition. 

You slowly shuffle your way to the mailbox at the end of your driveway. Flipping through the spam and advertisements when you hear a familiar sound, a skateboard. Your eyes follow the sound, a figure shaded by the sun. You know who it is. If it wasn’t for the skateboard, it’s the flaming aura around her head under the sunlight. A big smile stretches across your face, leaning against your mailbox as she rides closer into view. When she’s close enough to see your face, her eyes widen and she nearly stumbles off her skateboard, eliciting a giggle from you. She stares at you for a second as she comes to a stop, sliding her headphones down to her neck.

“Hey, you.” you say cheerfully.

In a second, she’s running to you, wrapping you in a tight embrace. You feel the shakiness as she inhales a deep breath.

“I’ve been looking all over for you, the ever elusive Red.” You smile as you return the hug, briefly rubbing her back before she pulls back to look at you.

“W-How?” She looks toward your trailer, “You moved back?!”

“Yep, just this past week. I tried keeping an eye out for you at school, then Dustin told me you moved here. Knew I’d catch you eventually.”

Her smile falters ever so slightly at the mention of Dustin.

“Oh, yeah. I mean, it’s a piece of shit but it’s a roof over our heads I guess.” You nod in agreement, pondering how to approach her. If she’s been avoiding the party, you worry one wrong move will send her running away from you too. You decide to go the easy route, knowing you might not get a truthful answer right away.

“You and mom doing okay?” 

“Yeah. She’s either working or drinking most of the time, so” she shrugs nonchalantly, a move you see right through. “But I can take care of myself just fine anyway”.

“Well, if you ever get bored entertaining yourself, just come and give a knock, okay? I gotta get going for work here soon, but maybe we can go out to the drive-in or something soon?”

A small smile tugs at her lips as she nods lightly.

“Yeah, maybe.”

“Oh, and you know. If you ever need a ride, I’m already giving the knuckleheads rides home after school and since we’re neighbors, I can just stick them all in the bed and give you passenger seat privileges.” You ramble before noticing the way she begins to awkwardly sway at the suggestion. “Or ya know, I can just kick them to the curb and save myself some gas with just you.” You quickly offer. She forces a small laugh before shaking her head.

“No, that’s okay. It gives me more time to skate anyway.” 

Great, I’ve already messed this up. Just add it to the list…

“Alright, well the offer’s on the table anytime. For anything.” You insist, giving her an out to the conversation as you begin to move back toward your driveway. She only nods in response, before putting her skateboard in place to ride again.

“See you later, Red.” You wave before heading into your trailer to get ready for work.

During the slower phases of the work day, your mind drifts to worries of Max. How she’s really doing, how you should approach her, how to get her to open up to you. It’s a welcomed distraction considering the other places, or people, your mind would be wandering to otherwise. You and Max had gotten fairly close over the summer, you gave her opportunities with and outside of the party to get away from home, from her asshole step-brother. Being the only other girl and older, she often confided in you. Whether it was about her brother, her relationship with Lucas, or the struggles of girlhood, you were there for her. 

Since Billy’s sacrifice to save her from the mall fire and his resulting death, she’s closed off. Isolating from everyone close to her. That happened to be something you’re familiar with. Something that helps you to understand her, something you can use. You know you need to take it slow though. Based on her initial reaction to seeing you, you know she's missed you, and know that connection is still there. There’s just some walls you need to chisel down first.

Take it slow.

That connection is still there.

Just some walls you need to chisel down first…

Those dark curls… chocolate button eyes… cutest fucking dimples you’ve ever seen in your life.

You close your eyes and take a deep breath, frustrated with your brain and your heart. Both deeply longing for him… before the shock of pain with the memory of his words hits you.

Just let it go. Move on. He’s not your Eddie anymore.

~

It was bothering Eddie more than he’d ever admit, even to himself. You. Thoughts of you swimming around his head with every emotion he could think of, was bothering him.

After your argument, he felt a bit of relief. To finally say the words he’d been carrying with him these last few years to you. To finally release the anger and pain out onto you. It felt like a weight off his shoulders in the moment. What he hadn’t been expecting was for you to match it, taking the pain and anger you felt in response, right back out and onto him. 

This whole past week you’ve been back has thrown him off. More distracted than usual. More reactive. More irritable. The other boys in Hellfire noticed, taking extra effort to not poke the bull. 

Your argument and slap left him even more distracted and off-balance. You’d thrown him off his game for Hellfire for christ’s sake. Forgetting details for the campaign that he’d otherwise would’ve had memorized, left him referencing his notes. He didn’t exude his usual dungeon master playfulness, animated voice and facial expressions coming out muted. Everyone noticed. Eddie’s own off-balanced performance reflected in his players. Nothing had ever distracted him so much to the point of interfering with Hellfire campaigns. The way Henderson eyed him suspiciously throughout the night almost set him off completely, again. He’d ended the campaign a little early, offering a brief apology and a quick lie to write off his abnormal performance on. He’d spent the rest of the night getting as drunk and high as he could in his bedroom until he passed out. 

Saturday isn’t going much differently for him. Sitting in his bed with a joint in his mouth as his fingers mindlessly strum his guitar, thinking of you. The anger he felt yesterday is now replaced with guilt. A guilt that sits and churns in his stomach, teetering on the edge of nausea. Maybe that was just the hangover, or maybe it’s from the way he can’t get the image of your tear-streaked face out of his head. Tears caused by him.

You deserved to hear how much you hurt him. Be faced with the consequences of your actions. You deserved that. But as he remembers the look in your eyes yesterday, the way you flinched, the way he caused a side of you you rarely show to come out… he knows you didn’t deserve that. He scolds himself for letting his emotions get the best of him, letting them get out of his control. You hurt him, that didn’t make it right for him to hurt you back. It didn’t even make him feel good. Maybe very briefly in the moment, just to release what he’d been holding in for so long, but it left as quickly as it came. 

He sighs as he moves the guitar off his lap, putting out his joint in the ashtray before rubbing his hands over his face, staring up at the ceiling.

He can’t hold on to this anger anymore, he knows it’s not healthy and is only hurting him more. But he can’t blame himself too much for wanting to, it’s one of the ways he’s protected himself in the past. Protected him from getting hurt. You knew that about him. The way he held onto anger at his dad, people in Hawkins, not wanting to waver and give either the chance to hurt him more. You knew almost everything about him, more about him than he’d ever willingly shared with anyone. That’s why what you did hurt him so deeply, and why he wanted to hurt you just as much. And feels like utter shit for it. 

Hey, you!

His eyes dart to his window as his brain immediately recognizes your voice. He peeks out to see you interacting with a younger girl he’d seen skateboarding around in the neighborhood and at school. His heart begins to ache watching you, watching you embrace the girl, watching the way you smile at her and ramble.

God, does he miss it. Misses the way you’d ramble and rant about something you’re passionate about, the way you’d cackle and smile when he’d do the stupidest thing he could think of just so he could see it. Misses the way your warm, plump body feels against him when you’d hug or lean your head on his shoulder. 

He sighs watching you wave goodbye to the girl and walk inside your trailer. 

Maybe he could give you another chance. Now that he’s not so overcome with anger, maybe he’d be able to hear you out. Not overpower you so much with his anger that you can actually have a real chance to explain yourself. 

Maybe.

Tuesday, September 24th, 1985

Some things have changed since your fight with Eddie on Friday. Flipped, really. Your eyes no longer sought him out. You do your best to avoid looking at him whether it was in the halls or in your shared classes. Knowing the sight of him would only bring back that sting in your chest.

Eddie on the other hand, couldn’t tear his eyes away from you whenever you’re in his sight. Watching you in regret, longing, confusion, hurt, all twisted into one. Eddie’s confident in himself most of the time, except for in a few areas. This situation with you and how to handle it moving forward is one of the latter. It’s a big fucking mess he isn’t sure how to fix. He knows with the way things went on Friday after you made the first move to talk to him, that it had to be him this time to try to make things right. 

You take your time walking down the quiet halls before the end of the lunch period, hearing the distant, muffled chatter from the lunchroom. You open your locker, putting away your books from your morning classes, switching them out with your afternoon ones. Just as you finish putting the last book in your bag, your locker slams shut in front of you, causing your head to whip toward the culprit you didn’t notice come up next to you till now.

“You’ve got a smart mouth on you, don’t you piggy?” Jason seethes out, hand pressed against your now closed locker door. Your smirk at him as you lean against it.

“So I’ve been told.”

“Yeah, well I don’t know who the hell you think you are or who you think you're talking to bu-”

“You know, I remember you from years ago. The last time I lived here.” You interrupt before looking him up and down, “Jason Carver. Back then you were just a scrawny guy, trailing behind the older jocks, carrying that ever so fragile ego in tow with theirs.” You look back up to meet his eyes, brows furrowed above them. “I see you’ve grown a few inches, even bulked up a bit. Looks like that’s about all that’s changed, though.” You watch as he processes your words, your insult.

“You fat fucking bitch” He says through gritted teeth, face turning red.

“Oh come on, Carver. Don’t you have anything fresher than that?” you say flatly, cocking an eyebrow at him. You watch as his body tenses up.

“Looks like I need to teach you and that smart mouth a lesson” He says, taking a step closer to you. You don’t move an inch, refusing to give him the satisfaction of getting a reaction out of you.

“Oh no. What are you gonna do?!” You say sarcastically. “You don’t scare me, Carver.”

You watch as a vein protrudes from his forehead, face turning a deeper red. 

It all happens so quickly. One of his arms pulls back, raising in the air in the motion to slap you, but it doesn’t come. Curly dark hair appears behind him, before Jason’s thrown flat on his ass in front of you.

Eddie had been outside smoking before lunch ended. On his way back into the school, he spots you and Jason. He slows his steps, listening in on the quickly escalating conversation. You’re teetering on the edge and you don’t care. As fragile as Jason’s ego is, so is his masculinity. Eddie wasn’t sure if Jason's above hitting a girl, but he knows that’s where this could go. He creeps closer, eyeing the way Jason’s hand begins to twitch. Waiting for the string to snap, and it does. When he spots Jason’s hand raise, Eddie swoops in. With a foot behind Jason’s, Eddie wraps his arm around Jason’s front, pulling him till he’s falling back on the floor. 

Eddie was no stranger to fights, the jocks of Hawkins having taken their frustrations out of him plenty of times. He didn’t like putting himself in the line of fire, but he has and would do it in a heartbeat for the people he cares about. Despite how he’s acted, you’re one of those people.

Your eyes widen, at the fact Jason was about to hit you in the middle of the school, and at seeing Eddie before you, swooping in out of nowhere to defend you. Your eyes lock with his and everything slows down, so many emotions and words unsaid flowing between you with just a look. For a moment your mind flashes back to 5th grade Eddie, reaching his hand out to help you off the ground, worry and sympathy filling his eyes. History repeating itself. You take a deep breath as the memory hits you, staring into Eddie’s brown eyes. In that moment, it’s only you two. No one else. No white brick halls. Just you and Eddie, conveying so much to each other through just your eyes.

Jason’s groans pull you from your trance, your eyes leaving Eddie’s to look down at him. You drop down to one knee, getting into Jason’s face. Eyes popping open wide when he senses you so close. You look at him with fire in your eyes as you point a finger in his face.

“Let me tell you something, you piece of shit. I didn’t come back here to deal with your little brat boy bullshit. If I see you try to put your hands on any of my friends, let alone me, again… I will make you regret it. And don’t think that I won’t.” You hiss, voice full of steel. Staring at him with as much intensity as he held earlier. You relish in the brief moment of fear that flashes through his eyes before his face hardens in frustration and embarrassment, chest heaving with deep, short breaths.

A silence falls before the bell rings to end the lunch period, breaking you all out of the moment. Jason quickly pulls himself to his feet before students flood the halls, not wanting anyone to see him in his embarrassing position. You rise with him. He fixes his letterman jacket, staring daggers between you and Eddie.

“Fucking freaks” he huffs before turning around, stomping down the hall quickly as it fills with students.

Both you and Eddie relax, releasing a breath before you’re just standing there awkwardly next to each other. You resecure your bag on your shoulder before chancing a look at Eddie, who's already staring at you. Reading you, assessing you, trying to tell if you’re okay.

You clear your throat before nodding your head at him.

“Thank you” you mutter softly. When he doesn’t immediately say anything back, your body takes the lead, quickly walking away toward your next class. 

Eddie considers chasing after you, but he doesn’t know what the hell he’d say if he did. He just watches you walk away before he takes slow steps to follow you to your shared class together.

In the two classes you have together, you can feel his eyes on you. You catch him a few times, eyes locking with his before one of you quickly looks away. 

You feel like you have whiplash. From the switch up of the Eddie you faced on Friday that hated your guts, to the Eddie who didn’t waste a second coming to defend you, with only a few days passing in between. You can’t wrap your head around it. You know he cares, he wouldn’t have been so angry before if he didn’t, but you assumed he was done with you, hated you. But someone that hates you wouldn’t rush into potential harms way to defend you, right?

A few more stolen glances and the muffled voices of your teachers’ as you’re lost in thought fills the remainder of your school day. When you leave your final class, stopping at your locker before walking out the front doors, you wonder if he’ll come up behind you, apologize for his behavior on Friday and give you another chance. But it doesn’t happen, making the walk to your truck uninterrupted. You want to chastise yourself for holding that hope, but what happened today can’t mean nothing. It just can’t. You don’t want it to.

You spend the remainder of your afternoon trying to do your homework. It takes everything in you to focus, almost giving up when the calculus problems push you right to the edge in frustration. You let out a huff in relief as you finish the problems and slam your notebook shut, throwing your head back as you slouch in your chair. Rubbing your hands over your face before you hear your mom unlocking the front door. When you note the time and sun setting through your window, you get up and make your way to the kitchen to start making dinner. You browse through the cupboard before your eyes land on a package of pasta. Spaghetti it is. 

As you wait for the meat to brown, your mind replays the events of the day. Landing back into the loop your thoughts had been stuck in all afternoon about Eddie. Trying to make sense of it all, of him. The moment your eyes locked this afternoon made your heart ache, and still does when you think of it now.

You aren’t sure when exactly you first fell in love with Eddie Munson.

The first day you met when he came to your rescue from bullies? That time in the woods when you were 10 when he insisted you be the trapped princess his mission was to rescue? The countless Friday nights you spent staying up late to watch The Midnight Special, eventually falling asleep on each other's shoulders? The first time he shared his mom’s records with you? The first time he really opened up to you about the loss of his mom, and the strenuous relationship with his Dad? That night your parents fighting got so bad you snuck out of your window and went to his trailer in tears, consoling you and doing anything he could to cheer you up? That time he almost went to fight your mom when he saw the red mark on your cheek? Or maybe it was the time he told you you’re beautiful the way you are, when your mom and everyone’s criticisms of your body weighed too heavily on your mind? 

You can’t pinpoint which event triggered the change from seeing Eddie as your friend, to your crush. What event marked the transition to being in love with your best friend, seeing and imagining him in ways beyond a regular friend would. You aren’t sure when, but you know you’ve been in love with him for as long as you can remember. An unrequited love that made your heart ache with every pet name bestowed upon you, with every flash of that devilish smile and irresistible dimples, with every use of his deep, animated voice for dramatic storytelling. An ache you’d decided for years you could stifle to keep his friendship. An ache that turned into a sharp pain hearing his voice over the phone, hundreds of miles away. A pain you’d decided you couldn’t bear anymore. Maybe if you hadn’t been in love with him, things would’ve been different. You wouldn’t have pulled away. 

So foolish. Desperately longing for things you couldn’t have. Longing so desperately you pushed away the best person in your life, the very person you longed for. A decision that didn’t take long for you to regret, but in your mind was too late to fix. Now, after today, you aren’t so confident about that.

You sit on the couch with your mom, eating Spaghetti and watching Magnum P.I. reruns as your thoughts continue. Mindless small talk about your days, vision zoning out as you stare at the tv, petting Henny who sits in your lap, and a heightened awareness of Eddie’s presence only 100 feet away. An hour later when your mom announces she’s going to bed, you ponder how to spend the rest of your night. You know you won’t be able to fall asleep yourself anytime soon, anticipating one of those nights you won’t be able to shut your mind off. 

You wander to your room, shutting your door as you reach into one of your dresser drawers for your little stash box. Sighing in frustration when you notice you only have enough left for one more smoke.

You roll a quick blunt before throwing on a flannel and slipping out the front door. You take a deep inhale of the fresh air, relishing in the cool breeze of the late September night as you begin the short walk to the little neighborhood park at the end of your street. You don’t notice the figure on the porch across the street smoking a cigarette in the dark as you walk, taking in the sound of the breeze blowing through the leaves on the trees, the quietness of the park beyond the very faint sound of some network sitcom playing on a tv.

You sit on a swing and begin to move back and forth slowly as memories flood back. This playground hasn’t changed a bit since you first moved to Forest Hills Trailer Park 9 years ago. Paint faded and chipping, old mulch littered around the playground, and rusted metal chains on the swing that creaks with each movement. Eddie and you spent countless afternoons here in the early years of your friendship. Swinging together, laughing as you’d watch Eddie do the monkey bars, spinning each other on the merry-go-round till you thought you’d get sick.

You put the blunt to your lips and light it, taking a deep inhale as you look around the abandoned playground, hoping the weed would help to calm your mind enough to get some sleep. You rest your head against the metal swing chain, feet softly kicking at the mulch and dirt beneath you. You don’t hear the soft footsteps on pavement approaching you till they’re only a couple feet away, head shooting up at the intrusion when the sound meets your ears. Eddie clears his throat, hands in his vest pockets as he stands at the edge of the playground. Your movements still at the sight of him, streetlights illuminating his figure and messy curls. When your body stiffens and you remain silent, Eddie takes a few steps closer.

“I-uh, I come in peace, promise.” He says softly, raising his hands in surrender. “Mind if I join you?” he asks, head gesturing to the empty swing next to you. You only nod in response before casting your eyes down. You take another hit as he sits down next to you, praying the calming effects you sought would kick in quicker.

You’re both silent for a while, the light wind blowing through the trees, neighborhood noises, and soft creaks from the swing set the only sounds filling the space between you. Eddie’s knee bobs anxiously before he clears his throat.

“I um, just wanted to apologize for Friday. The way I acted, some of the things I said… I let my emotions get the best of me. I didn’t really give you much room to talk, and I’m sorry for that.” Eddie says nervously, eyes turning to look at you as he finishes. You nod in response again, not looking his way.

“I understand. I don’t blame you.” Silence falls between you again before you look towards him. “Thank you again, for earlier today. You didn’t need to step in like that.” Eddie chuckles softly.

“Oh, I know you could’ve handled him just fine on your own, but you shouldn’t have had to... It’s no problem, really. Not my first run in with him anyway.” You wonder just how many times Eddie’s had to deal with Carver and the other jocks, just how bad those run-ins have possibly gotten. In a sign signaling truce, you hand your blunt to him, offering a hit. He gladly accepts with a soft smile before taking a hit.

“Since when do you smoke the devil’s lettuce?”

You giggle softly, letting a smile spread to your cheeks.

“About a year now, same with these” You say, pulling the pack of cigarettes from your pocket enough for him to see. Eddie tsk’s in response, passing the blunt back to you.

“Naughty naughty.” He teases in a deep voice, eyeing you while blowing out smoke. You tear your eyes away and back to the mulch beneath your feet, the sight enough to send a shiver up your spine. 

After a few more passes between you, the blunt is gone and you’re left to face the inevitable conversation. You rub your sweaty palms against your thighs as you work up the courage.

“I just wanted to say again, I’m sorry for how things went. For dropping contact. It’s entirely my fault and… I’m really sorry for doing that to you, Eddie. You didn’t deserve that.” Your eyes peek at him. He’s faced forward, nodding softly in response as he lights a cigarette. He moves his hips slightly, enough to turn his body more toward yours. 

“So why did you do it?” he asks quietly, dark eyes looking up from his cigarette to meet yours. A somber look on his face, a stark contrast from a few days ago. You take a shaky deep breath while turning your head to look up at the stars littering the sky.

You can’t tell him the truth. You can’t tell him you stopped returning his calls because you were so in love with him that the distance, the sound of his voice over the phone caused your heart to ache so deeply that you couldn’t take it anymore, that you’d recluse to your room and cry after each call.

“We were so close and it hurt so much to be torn apart. Every time I heard your voice on the phone… it just” you take another deep breath, “it was just a reminder that I wouldn’t see you again and that just hurt too much to deal with. I didn’t want to deal with it. So… I secluded. I avoided you. I know it might not make sense, that it might not be a good enough answer for you, but it’s the only one I have.” 

You didn’t exactly lie. It’s not the full truth but you were still as honest as you could let yourself be. He’s quiet for a minute as he takes in your words before letting out a deep sigh. 

“I guess I get that,” He does, he felt the pain too. The way his heart ached in longing every time he heard your voice, every time he’s thought about you since. It wasn’t enough for him to stop calling, but he still understands you shared the same pain during every call. “But you could’ve seen me again, you’ve been visiting in the summers this whole time.” he protests softly.

“Eddie, when I stopped calling I didn’t know I was going to come back to visit.” You shake your head lightly before turning your body towards him, mirroring his. “I mean, I figured I’d come back and see my Dad eventually, but uh if you remember, he wasn’t exactly in the best mental state when we left and was also locked up so, I didn’t really know anything about what would happen.” You look away from him and towards your lap, fingers fidgeting with the hem of your flannel. “It’s not that I don’t regret it, I do. But by the time I changed my mind and found out about coming back in the summer I was just… like, paralyzed. It had only been two months after I stopped calling, but I was afraid. Afraid it was too much time that’d passed, afraid you’d moved on and replaced me, afraid you wouldn’t forgive me… so I didn’t do anything. Just let it be. The whole time I just told myself you probably didn’t care much anyway.” Eddie blinks at you, wide-eyed as you finish before scoffing lightly.

“You really think I would’ve ‘replaced’ you that easily? That quickly? You were my best friend too, Y/N. The closest I’ve ever had, even closer than Ronnie, you know that. How could you think I wouldn’t care?”

“Come on, Eddie. You’re telling me your brain never fucks with you like that?” You ask, fingers picking a cigarette out of your pack and lighting it quickly. After an inhale you continue, “I mean logically, I know that you felt the same about our friendship. Plenty of memories and moments to prove it. But I just kept thinking back to when I first told you I was leaving. Sure, you seemed disappointed but you weren’t as upset as I was, you didn’t cry. And despite knowing I've only seen you cry like, twice before in all those years, my brain still just clung onto that. Like ‘See! He doesn’t really care, not as much as you.’” You shake your head in disappointment and frustration with yourself as you take another hit. “It’s stupid, I know.”

“No,” Eddie answers quickly, squashing his own cigarette in the mulch with his Reebok sneakers. He looks at you, a sympathetic look etched across his features. “I know what that’s like.” You’re both quiet at first, letting the new information and understanding fall into place. You rock yourself back and forth on the swing slowly, gathering your words before you speak them.

“Look, I don’t expect you to forgive me and I don’t know what I could do to make it up to you but, I just need to say again that I’m sorry. I would take it all back if I could. I’ve really missed you.” You finish, eyes meeting his. You hope they’re portraying your sincerity as his own search your face. He looks away from you as a small smile tugs at one side of his lips, feet kicking at the mulch below.

“Yeah well… I missed you too.” He breathes out, eyes meeting yours again. A small smile tugs at your own lips. After a few moments of silence, he finishes. “I forgive you.”

He leans towards you, pinky finger extended. You choke out a laugh at the sight, relief washing over you. You wrap your pinky around his, closing your eyes to stop them from watering as your smile deepens.

When your fingers detach, you sigh deeply and open your eyes to meet his again.

“Thank you” you say quietly, warmth spreading through your body. It feels like a massive weight has been taken off your shoulders. The optimism and hope you haven’t felt since last Sunday, before your first day back at Hawkins, creeps its way back into your mind and body. You note how much lighter your chest feels as it moves with each breath, and the knot you’ve felt in your stomach for a week begins to loosen.

You stay there for a while, lightly swinging back and forth as you and Eddie dive into discussions about new bands, albums, and movies that have come out since you moved. Concerts you’ve been to since. Eddie smiles seeing that you haven’t changed one bit since you’d left, even mentioning bands and movies he hadn’t even heard of, promising to share your tapes with him at some point. He finds himself getting lost watching you as you excitedly describe the Journey concert you went to with your cousins in 83’. Smiling when he notices the sparkle in your eyes as you rave about Steve Perry’s voice and how they played your favorite songs. Laughing as you pout in jealousy when he describes the Metallica concert he went to with Gareth earlier this year. It all feels so familiar, so comfortable.

You’re so lost in conversation you don’t notice how much time passes by until Eddie checks his watch and whistles. It’s almost 11:30pm, nearly 2 hours since you first walked down to the playground. The hesitancy you held about your ability to get a goodnight’s rest tonight was gone. You feel like you’re floating as you and Eddie walk the short distance back to your trailers, Eddie telling you about Hellfire’s current campaign. 

“You know, you’re more than welcome to join us sometime. You already know half the club.” He offers as you reach the end of your driveway. 

“I’ll definitely think about it, thanks.” You give him a small smile.

“Cool. Well, I guess I’ll see you tomorrow.” He returns your smile as he rocks back and forth on his heels lightly, hands shoved into his vest pockets. 

“Oh, wait! Kind of an odd question but before I forget, do you know anyone around here that sells?” You ask as the thought of your now empty stash box pops into your head. Eddie smoked with you, you figure he knew where to get some around here.

And boy, did he. 

A bright, cheeky smile stretches across his face.

“Oh yeah, I know a guy.” He says with a glimmer of mischief in his eyes before he bows dramatically, “Your friendly neighborhood drug dealer at your service, my dear.”

[yuurei20]

I would really like to know one thing. Did the novel talk about the effects of blot on normal people without magic? If the plot of the game is to be believed blot can be toxic in any aggregate state to wizards, but what about those without magic? Does blot not harm Yuya?

Hello hello! Thank you for this question, it turned into an unexpected rabbit hole!

The novels do not mention Yuuya suffering any blot-related harm, and this may have something to do with this explanation from Crowley:

"'Well, with Trappola-kun and Spade-kun's magical capacity, I don't think you need to worry too much!'

Looking around at everyone's serious expressions, the headmage suddenly smiles.

'Magical power varies greatly by mage, but blot tolerance is almost universal. Powerful mages must be particularly careful when using magic, but you all may use magic until you are completely tired out, and you will still not suffer that much blot.'

'Then why'd you say that! Rude.' Ace snaps at the headmage, who gives him a thumbs-up as though to say, 'Isn't that nice?'

'Just to be on the safe side. If by any chance something like that were to happen at the school, and during an official duel, I would be held accountable as headmage for not exercising adequate supervision. So please, please be careful!'"

-Twisted Wonderland the first novel

If blot is truly a non-issue for weaker mages like Ace and Deuce, it seems like it would be even less of a concern for a non-mage like Yuuya.

I am not sure we have any examples of him touching someone else's blot, or what kind of consequences there might be to doing so! All we know is that it seems unlikely, if not impossible, for Yuuya to generate his own.

But there's more!

We learn in Book 6 that STYX intentionally hires people with small magic pools because they are "less likely to go out of control from blot exposure," so it seems that "the more powerful the mage, the greater the blot damage" rule applies in both the novel and the game.

But the technician's full line is, "Most of us working at STYX aren't mages. They hire people with small magic pools," and this phrasing has always interested me. Does he mean that most of them are non-mages, and the few mages they do hire are limited to those with small magic pools?

Or is he insinuating that non-mages also have magic pools--they are just too small to generate magic? Does everyone technically have a magic pool in this universe? Do "magic-pool-less" people not exist? It is curious!

Deuce says that there is a rumor that "magical potential is determined at birth," so a person's risk of overblotting might not be something that they are able control.

But Malleus says, "Magic is all about familiarity. The more you use it, the better you get, regardless of your inherent talent for it."

And we may have actually seen this proven, via Riddle.

Riddle says that his mother "went to every possible length to ensure (he'd) be an exceptional mage, starting from when (he) was in the womb."

This is confirmed by Idia, who explains that Riddle's magic pool was artificially increased via special training and hard work.

This seems to debunk Deuce's rumor about magical power limitations being determined at birth.

So can blot harm a non-mage in this universe?

If blot damage is only a risk to mages with large enough pools to use magic, then Yuuya is probably safe from blot. But a lot depends on the meaning behind what that technician said!

If everyone in the Twst universe has magic pools and what makes you a mage is just how big your pool is, and magic pools can be expanded by force (re: Riddle) and by familiarity (re: Malleus), then everyone has the potential to become a powerful mage and, thus, to suffer from blot.

Something like this was hinted at back in Book 5, with a bully who says he dropped out of a magic school but still knows enough magic to drive a blastcycle. He says he isn't a "fancy Night Raven mage," but does he count as a mage at all? Or is he somewhere in between a mage and a magicless due to the limited size of his magic pool?

If everyone in Twst technically has a magic pool and the difference between a mage and a non-mage is just the size of it, it is possible that the prefect, as someone from another world, is the only person there with no magic pool to expand and is thus the only person who is 100% immune to blot.

This is all conjecture based on one line from an unnamed Book 6 background character and is a lot of reaching, but it is fun to think about ^^

[nanaminokanojo]

ACCIDENTALLY IN LOVE | part 30

-meet cute? a cheesy musical number? forget it! love makes itself known to you through a minor car accident, a broken arm, and a treacherously charming temporary chauffeur

CHARACTERS: sukuna x you/reader | jjk characters

GENRE: full-length smau + prose | bad boy x good girl | college au | a lot of firsts | aged-up characters | strangers to lovers | smut | fluff | angst | ooc depictions - soft sukuna ftw

TW/CW: strong/mature language | adult content so mdni on some parts | mentions of alcohol and/or smoking | mentions of injury, promiscuity and bullying | pet names because they're cute with 2D men | toxic behavior | will add more if something arises

MASTERLIST | CHAPTER INDEX

<<prev part 30 next>>

A/N: Contains prose with panels in between. 6th panel is a video.

“I can do it, you know,” you insisted again

“Not having it. I should make sure you’re getting the best care.”

You arched a brow at him, sitting stiffly beside him, not really seeing how it was easier when he said, “Prop your legs up on my lap.”

“Huh?”

He didn’t explain any further and instead stood up, carrying you bridal style and propping you on the couch so your back was against the armrest while he gently placed your legs across his lap. “That wasn’t so hard, was it.”

“N-no, but –”

“No buts.”

As he moved around you, you couldn't help but stare at him. His usually intimidating demeanor softened as he meticulously put the ointment on the abrasions on your leg with a cotton swab. His touch was surprisingly gentle, his fingers deft and precise, eyes intense as he focused on his task. The room was silent except for your steady breathing. At that moment, Sukuna's care and attention just took center stage.

“You do this often?” you teased. “With other girls, I mean.”

He shook his head. “Consider yourself special.”

“I’m only special ‘cause you nearly killed me.” You laughed at your own joke, not meaning anything by it, about to swing your legs off of him when he held onto them, his hand quickly but very gently settling on the shin of your right leg. “I…I’m sorry. That wasn’t a nice thing to say.”

Sukuna leaned towards you, placing his free hand on the backrest. You met his gaze, not liking the turmoil that seemed to swirl in his dark eyes which, you noticed, were flecked with dark garnets and amethysts with the way the sun was shining on him.

“I’ll never hurt you,” he told you softly. He closed his eyes in agitation before flashing you an apologetic smile. “Not intentionally, anyway.”

“Stop saying it that way.”

“Hmm. What way?”

“Like you’re considering the possibility that you would.” You mustered all the courage you had, reached out and cupped his face, making him look at you. “You’ve taken care of me better than anyone so far. I am grateful for that. Don’t ever forget it.”

He placed his hands over yours. “How are you this gracious? It’s unsettling.”

At that, you felt your heart stutter. It’s happening again. “Is that bad?”

Sukuna laughed. “How is that even bad? I swear to god, you worry about the weirdest things. It’s good. It’s just that…”

“Just what?” You withdrew your hands, looking away. That overwhelming feeling akin to being submerged in cold water made its way from your toes to your chest, making it hard to breathe. “People hate me, you know? They hate me because they think I’m just pretending. I acted out once because I was too tired to deal with anyone, and they all started leaving, telling me I’m a –”

He didn’t like what he was hearing. “That’s ridiculous.”

You shook your head, trying to compose yourself. “But I admire you, Sukuna. You show everyone the real you, and they like you for it.

Unlike me, you thought, concealing the thought with a smile, but that was short-lived when he said his next words.

“I like you.”

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© ORIGINAL WORK BY nanaminokanojo. CHARACTERS ARE INSPIRED BY GEGE AKUTAMI’S “JUJUTSU KAISEN”. [20240526]

PHOTOS/IMAGES/GIF/FANART/ANY MEDIA CREDITS GO TO THE RESPECTIVE OWNERS.

[misseviehyde]

FINDING THE MEAN

Laura had never found the social aspects of school easy, but she at least always had the protection of her favourite teacher Ms Bloom.

Ms Bloom taught Math and she was everything Laura aspired to be. Clever, kind and friendly - the inspirational teacher had taken Laura under her wing and helped her survive against the bullies and mean girls that seemed to thrive in the school.

She had taken to giving Laura additional Math lessons in advanced concepts and the two of them would spend many hours after school solving equations, discussing problems and hanging out together.

Laura had realised that Ms Bloom was mentoring her and she felt her confidence and her ambitions begin to grow and swell. One day she would get out of this small town and go on to be successful - she would owe much of that success to her mentor.

One night after school Laura and Ms Bloom were pouring over a very strange equation that no one had ever solved.

Hyde's Divergent Mean was a curiosity that went back nearly a hundred years. No one had ever been able to balance the equation which appeared to be an attempt to work out the average amount of evil and toxicity in any given population.

"How about we apply it to the school?" asked Laura excitedly and the two of them began to work on balancing the numbers.

Ms Bloom sighed, "See - there's a missing component and no one has ever been able to work it out. The value of X remains unknown."

Laura frowned as she examined the equation. It was central to everything, it was almost as if the entire formula was more than math - like it was some sort of arcane formula. Perhaps it wasn't designed to work out the amount of evil in a population, but instead to harness and drain that toxicity and do something with it.

"Miss - have you ever thought X is meant to represent a person, not a number?"

Ms Bloom's eyes widened in amazement, "Why yes - that's incredible. I wonder what would happen if I put my name down as X and complete the formula."

"Wait!" gasped Laura, but she was too slow to stop her enthusiastic teacher who had written down 'Ms Isabella Bloom' next to X.

The formula suddenly blazed with pink light and Laura gasped and stepped back. Ms Bloom gasped and tried to stand back too, but she was yanked forward by an invisible force then lifted screaming into the air.

The teacher now levitated in the air surrounded by a sinister pink light. Laura gasped and tried to rush forward to help, but she was repelled by an invisible force.

On the board, the formula began to change. The name in the middle began to alter. "Ms Isablla Bloom" began to warp and alter to become "Bella Bloom."

The teachers eyes burned with pink fire and she gasped in amazement.

"Ohhhh fuck yes! I can see it all now, I can see how all the popular girls are connected - how they and their victims fit into this school. It's all so fucking OBVIOUS!"

She giggled, a strange sound coming from her usually sensible mouth. Her kind lips twisted into an uncharacteristically malicious smile as she stretched her floating body luxuriously and wiggled her fingers.

"Mmmmmh, I see how to get everything I always wanted. I can be reborn thanks to the equation, I can take the toxic femininity from those fucking losers and make myself queen bitch. No more being some sad-sac teacher, instead I can be a fucking princess!"

"Noooooo," gasped Laura. "Ms Bloom, you have to stop this, the formula is corrupting you. The equation is making you mean."

"Hahah shut up you pathetic loser, you have no idea how GOOD this feels. Ms Bloom is dead - I am BELLA BLOOM."

Throwing back her head, Ms Bloom moaned in ecstasy and splayed her fingers out. Long sharp gel nails shot from each finger as her bones cracked and her body shrunk in on itself.

Her skin became younger looking and her warm brown hair began to turn bright bitchy blonde. Ms Bloom's kind eyes turned a cold blue and her face became more beautiful, but mean and spoiled.

Her clothing shrunk to fit her now tiny frame, a tight red crop top and daisy dukes leaving little to the imagination as she floated down and landed on the ground with a clop of expensive high heels.

"Like, this is sooooo much better," giggled Bella as she arranged her hair and admired her nails. "Being a fucking thirty six year old teacher was sooooo boring. What a loser. I'd rather be an eighteen year old bitch any day."

Laura was shaking her head in horror as Bella strutted over to the whiteboard and laughed at the formula. It had taken the two of them hours to complete the formula and Laura wasn't sure she could even do it on her own.

A hand shot out and grabbed her hair and she screamed as Bella cruelly pulled her over and smashed her up against the board. Laughing, the new bully used Laura's hair to wipe the board - destroying the delicate formula and making sure that no one could ever copy the work and reverse the transformation, or ascend themselves.

"Like, that's better. Now I can't change back. You're the only one who remembers the old me anyway, the equation has altered reality and everyone else's memories of me. As far as the school is concerned, there never was an Isabella Bloom - only the Head Cheerleader and richest brat in town, Bella Bloom existed."

Releasing Laura's hair, Bella threw her to the floor and looked down with contempt.

"Fucking pathetic. You're so fucking pathetic and weak. You better stay out of my way loser, you don't form part of my equations at the moment - but that could change."

Laura sobbed as she watched her once favourite teacher striding off to start her new life as a bully and a mean girl. Bella would soon have all the big cock, money and riches she could ever want.

As for Laura, without her mentor and her inspiration - she would lapse into despair and any chance for a bright future she had would decay to nothing.

Ms Bloom had found the mean and there was no going back for either of them.

THE END

[devieuls]

ˋ Let me Love you༄ ☣

Neteyam Sully x Na'vi Fem Reader <SERIES >

Warning of the Serie: MDNI. Dom Neteyam x Fem Na'vi Reader.

SMUT: Dirty Talk; Fangs; Bites; fingering; Blood; Spit; Jealousy and Possessiveness; Foreplay; violence; Swearing; Teasing; Unprotected Sex; betrayal; slut shaming; oral sex; dacryphilia; outdoorsex; jealousy BDSM.

ANGST: mention of suicide, toxic relationship, words inherent in death, sexual assault, self-harm, derealization, suffering, Requited / Unrequited love, prejudices, bullying and insults. and FLUFF. There will be flashbacks in this series

Aged characters: Neteyam 22 y.o / You 19 y.o.

Synopsis: In the darkest point of your life, swallowed by the abyss, you decide to put an end to your sufferings, seeking relief in the extreme act. Your life was an intricate dance between life and death, and when life decided to take leave and leave death alone in you, you got lost. And as if he had been sent by Eywa himself, a mysterious Na'vi, saves you from hitting bottom, sacrificing himself so you don’t give up. Becoming the light that shone in your darkness. He is the sun that faces your night, and you are the Moon, eternally distant from him.

He grabbed your hand and dragged you away, taking you to his village, a place of healing and hope where he will try to make you love life again, showing you the light you had long lost. Starting a journey of healing, to fight against your demons that tormented you relentlessly, to finally find happiness where you would never have bothered to find it.

Two fates crossed under the tacit protection of the Great Mother, to show that even two opposites can create something perfectly chaotic.

And what happens when night and day dance together, to the rhythm of the stars and waves of balance, eternal opposites that are inevitably attracted?

This is the story of how death falls in love with life; how the sun one day decided to save the moon and how darkness is not so dark if light can penetrate. But also a story of suffering and torment, where not everything is roses and flowers.

CHAPTER WARNING: Mention of suicide and slight violence.

Lenght : 5.1k

NA'VI WORDS: Yawne: Beloved; Tspangoe: I invented this, it means "Suicidal". It comes from "Tspang": Kill and "Oe": I/Me. I couldn’t find a word that came close, so I made it up.

TW: THE SERIES WILL BE FULL OF DELICATE TOPICS!

⇠ Previous chapter ✵ Next Chapter ⇢

· · ─────── · 𖥸 · ─────── · ·

Chapter II: Poisonous as Death

The morning light seeped through the drawn skin curtain, dancing gently over your still pale skin. As you opened your eyes annoyed, your vision was blurred at first, but gradually the world around you materialized. You found yourself in a tent that was filled with scents of herbs and burnt incense, noticing a woman sitting on her back with a shawl of red beads that shone on contact with the blinding light.

As you tried to orient yourself, the sounds of nature gently entered your ears. The melodious chirping of birds filled the air, creating a natural symphony that seemed to sing its awakening. You breathed deeply as the earthy aroma of wet earth, mixed with wild musk struck your nostrils, while the smell of wet wood and flowers charged the air with the typical smell of the forest clan.

With caution, you got up to sit on the carpet where you were lying, passing a hand between the braids while strong twines hit your head with pain. The mysterious na'vi pulled the curtains, opening them to change the air once she noticed your awakening, remaining silent. The woman held aromatic herbs in her hand, which she carefully mixed in a clay pot. The air was imbued with the therapeutic scents of the ingredients, which tickled your senses.

She looked up and a grimace spread across her wrinkled face. "You’re awake." She suddenly said in a tone that was too acidic to be even vaguely the Great Mother, but you thought that maybe it could really be her and that she was just angry with you because of the act you did.

"I am…" you whispered with a thread of voice, feeling strange pain at the height of the stomach, while you noticed bandages covering some points of your body.

The old woman approached you, grabbed you by the jaw, carefully looking at your face, turning it as she wished to look for signs of possible trauma or other. "You have a strong spirit, not many survive a fall from such a high waterfall." you opened wide your eyes, pulling yourself back from her grip, observing her with incredulity

"Where am I now?" Your tone was impatient as you looked around, beginning to realize that perhaps your attempt to end it had not come to an end.

The one you identified as the Tsahìk sat next to you, looking at you with hard eyes, filled with contempt. Her time-stamped face and wrinkly hands silently told the story of a woman who had spent her life saving the lives of those who struggled to hold onto it, and who had now healed and saved the life of someone who didn't appreciate the Great gift. The silence weighed heavily between you, interrupted only by the whisper of the forest, which bore the typical melody accompanied by the lively sounds of the village in which you had involuntarily happened.

"You are in the Omatikaya clan, in my tent." she began, acidly, poisoning your body with a few simple words.

You were alive, still stuck in this hell, in the darkness and in the shame that you couldn’t even get it over with.

Meanwhile, Neteyam slowly approached his grandmother’s tent, the heart in his throat and a mixture of hope and fear gripping him. He expected to find you in a comatose sleep, as he had already seen you in those days, but when he lifted the curtain and crossed the threshold, he was surprised. His eyes met your bandaged back, sitting, feeling a sense of happiness and relief to see you awake, remaining still in his footsteps even before opening the mouth.

You turned at once, peering at the boy you reluctantly recognized as 'the one who saved you'. Your gaze was tormented and angry in his. Your irises were like a stormy sea, overflowing with a mixture of gloomy emotions. There was a deep wound in your eyes, a palpable pain that reflected the anger and frustration of being saved against your will.

He looked down, noticing your sharp eyes as blades penetrating directly into his soul. He felt slightly guilty, as if he had somehow broken something sacred by intervening in your choice without your consent. Though on one side of him he was happy to have saved you, to have given you a chance to redeem yourself and enjoy everyday life.

In the meantime Mo'at had left the tent because of the strong and silent tension that was in the air, believing that it was better to leave you two alone to talk and clarify the situation.

"You." You hissed with disgust and acidity, making him shudder at the pungent tone as he approached and you automatically put yourself on the defensive. Your words remained suspended in the air, unable to really break the silence that permeated the tent at that moment.

Neteyam tried to pronounce his name, but held back, fearing that it would make the situation worse. He approached with caution, with a soft step, trying to show respect for the emotional space you needed to feel safe somehow.

You tried to stand up, but the strong pain of stitches and bruises forced you to sit again, while the worried look of the na'vi burned your skin, stretching out a hand as if to prevent you from trying the stupid move again.

"No, don’t move" he said harshly, albeit with a sweet and thoughtful undertone. "You must take it easy, you risked a lot in these days of coma" His tone presented an obvious sign of concern.

You walked away from Neteyam’s close hand just as a wounded animal did, as if you wanted to protect yourself from the outside world, a world that had shattered your expectations and inflicted unimaginable suffering on you. You carried a hand between the now slightly damaged braids, feeling other pains to the head that made you tighten your eyes for the pain.

" Why am I still here?" You hissed while your gaze was focused on your legs, becoming empty and devoid of emotion like your voice. " I threw myself. Why did you save me?" you growled and gritted your teeth, as faint sighs came out of your cerulean and tired lips.

Neteyam listened to you in silence, keeping his eyes down as he searched for the right words not to hurt you. He felt the desperation in your voice, your need to find a way out of that emotional chaos that was pressing you like a rock on the sand. He wishes he could offer you comfort, healing and redemption, but he knew you would be hostile to him because of his 'heroic' act.

"Because I would never let a young Na'vi like you throw her life away like that. Not on my watch." answered with solemn confidence, looking up only for that moment. "You may not see it, but your life means something, you are important to someone" he approached you slightly, still trying not to cross the line he himself had drawn for you.

"I asked you to let me go, to leave me alone. I asked you to leave me, not to save me. And you ignored my words and saved me." You growled as you took a break, meeting his gaze with wrath. "You don’t even know me and you saved me! Why did you do it?! Who are you to decide whether or not to save someone?!" some frozen tears cut your face because of frustration. "I don’t want to live. Why didn’t you let me die?" your tone became weaker, as your heart began to pump blood faster and faster. "You should have let me die…" you whispered as your eyes silently chained. Your look dull, dead, almost extinct, while the only desire that seemed to shine in that amber mirror was death.

Neteyam felt a bitter taste in his mouth, answering urgently. "No, I didn’t and I won’t. I won’t let you die" he retorted, approaching you, taking you by the shoulders almost instinctively. "I don’t need to know you to know that you are someone’s daughter, someone’s sister, someone’s friend, and you belong to a clan. You mean something to someone who will one day regret not being able to save you in time. Please stop saying those words" His golden eyes looked at you pleading, while his voice cracked. < Possible that she suffered so much…? > he asked himself looking at your glassy eyes.

You walked away from his touch again, growling at him, with anger and melancholy. Your soul was still fragile and vulnerable, so hostility was the mask you decided to wear, hoping that for this reason they would also abandon you.

"I WAS someone’s daughter, I WAS someone’s sister, I WAS someone’s friend, I HAD a people and a clan. Now I HAVE nothing. because I WAS someone’s loved one, not now, not me." you felt a bite to the throat, a knot that held the words while you vomited them with blood, tearing you with every sentence. "They’re all dead and buried. so whether or not I join the death toll, you don’t have to decide that for me." Your eyes were like pools of dark, deep water, reflecting the abyss of pain you carried inside of you. They are eyes that once could shine with life, but now they were dull and lifeless, hopeless. Your gaze was charged with an overwhelming mixture of anger and sadness, a storm of emotions ready to crash against the man in front of you. Your bitter voice ruined by yet another growl. "As I said, we don’t know each other. So why do you insist on saving me?"

"You were… if you really don’t have anyone, then let me be your people, introduce you to mine and make them yours. I will be your friend, your sister, your family and a companion to cry on if it is necessary. But I won’t let you disappear, because I know there’s still a flame of life inside of you that wants to shine again." His voice began to flicker, but soon he intensified with something reminiscent of hope. A mixture of desperate determination and concern, with a desire to make you understand that there are reasons why it was worth living. "You’re a stranger, it’s true, but I won’t let you do something so stupid. I won’t let you go." He said seriously. He would like to eradicate the pain from your heart somehow, give light to your dead eyes. "You don’t have to do it alone. I will help you, and if you allow me, we will find a reason for you to live, together. Just let me help you."

You looked away from him, gritting your teeth as your jaw twitched. Your heart so heavy it crushed the organs below.

"You don’t understand…" you whispered in an absent voice, looking out at the curtain walls as you scraped the palm of your hand because of frustration. "I don’t want to live. I don’t want to live anymore. This is not life, it’s not my clan and you can’t be the piece that stops the sinkhole. My life… died with them. But don’t you see? this is only a body that pulls forward and that will turn off" Your voice made the blood freeze to Neteyam, who raised his ears as his tail stopped moving in the air, finding rest behind him. You were honest, you weren’t lying, and he understood that. "I need you to let me go."

"You’re not listening to me. We can find you a life here, even if the life you had before was taken from you… give this a chance." He said gently, trying to hide the pain you had given him. You can form a new family here…" his head bent to the side looking for your eyes, pleading. " Please… believe me" he timidly extended his hand, before leaving it hanging in the air. "Look at me, please. You will not be alone in this." Neteyam was determined after a long time.

He will be patient with you, he will listen to you and he will try to advise you, these were the resolutions that he had fixed in his mind. He will try to understand the pain that burns inside you, and he will burn with it if it helps you.

You didn’t look at him, just taking long breaths, not wanting to answer what you had just been told.

"I promise I will never leave you alone in this fight. I will be here for you, even when it seems like no one else is, and even when you treat me this way. I will not give up, just let me in" he said before he got up. And in that instant, you felt yourself drowning once again, no longer in the waters of the oblivion of that river, but in an unexplored sea of conflicting and inextricable feelings. "You cannot let go like this. You cannot let the dark take over… "

With one last look full of compassion, the man quietly withdrew from the tent, letting you face your emotions in the silence and privacy you needed. Knowing that the path to healing will take time.

For hours you found yourself alone in the hut, not knowing that Neteyam had forbidden anyone to disturb your solitude, still keeping you under surveillance from outside. The Tsahìk’s hut was comfortable, the atmosphere that enveloped the tent was warm and full of positivity, in which the smell of herbs mixed with that of the skin of the tent

You sat on the floor, on the soft carpet, with your legs crossed and your gaze lost in the void. The light of day burst in creating small shadows that seemed to reflect the storm that was stirring in you. Your hands clasped softly around your knees, the contact with your now rough skin offered you an anchor point in reality while the chaos of your emotions threatened to drag you down again into the abyss. The memories of your attempted act tormented you, making you relive the darkness that you had tried so hard to escape. You wondered how you got to that point, how you got so overwhelmed by the pain that you wished it was over.

As you watched the tent in silence, you thought back to the words that the one who saved you had addressed to you, words full of understanding and hope. His voice rang in your mind, like a lighthouse in the night, trying to guide you to a way out of that maze of despair.

"if you really don’t have anyone, then let me be your people, introduce you to mine and make them yours. I will be your friend, your sister, your family and a companion to cry on if it is necessary. But I won’t let you disappear" , "You cannot let go like this. You cannot let the dark take over… "

His words continued to echo in the walls of your mind, the urge to reject them was strong, but at the same time you knew there was a glimmer of truth in those words. A lonely tear turned your face unmoved, happy to be alone so that no one would see you cry again. The shadow of anger and resentment persisted in you as you erased his eyes and his face from your mind, attaching these words to him, that they were inevitably intertwining with a faint flame of hope ched in his little he had fed with a brief conversation.

You sighed deeply as you leaned your head on the pulled fabric of the curtain, trying to fend off that tornado of overwhelming feelings that the boy had sown in you. You decided to give yourself the opportunity to face your demons, but without being helped, you would have defeated your demons just so you could leave in peace.

The words of the Omatikaya boy could not erase your past and your pain, but perhaps they had unconsciously opened a window into the future, a future you thought you did not deserve and where hope and joy could still shine.

Suns began to fall on the horizon, painting the sky with pinkish and purple shades. The village was animated outside the tent in view of the eclipse, while families joyfully gathered in the center of the village to share the dinner as usual.

A voice crept into the solitude of the place where you were still sitting, drawing your attention with a calm yet concerned tone. "Can I come in?"

His words were warm, but you stiffened feeling cold chills hitting your back. You still felt the weight of his actions, the way your will had been ignored to save you from something you didn’t want to be saved from.

"No, leave me alone." You spit bitterly, cold and resolute, closing yourself in once again, hoping to be heard at least this time.

He hesitated for a moment, but then entered the tent with caution, trying not to disturb the dark and tense atmosphere that surrounded you. The dim light of the natural lamps began to light up gradually due to bioluminescence, casting some soft shadows on the skin walls.

"I thought you might be hungry…" he whispered softly and patiently. He was holding a small basket of food that the village had prepared for dinner. The inviting scent of food spread in the air, making you strive to ignore it, keeping your eyes away.

"I’m not hungry. You can leave now." Hissing as your stomach seemed to close to his concern and kindness. He laid the basket on the ground, cautiously approaching you.

"You have to feed your body. Please, just take something," he insisted as he stretched your food, keeping his distance.

You looked up at him, growling, the anger still present in your vitreous gaze. "Don’t you understand?" Your face was stiff, with a still palpable hostility. You squeezed on yourself, creating an invisible barrier between you two. "I don’t want your food." hissing with a grudge voice. "I don’t want anything from you."

The Na'vi’s gaze softened further, though he felt some remorse against his golden irises.

"I know it may seem difficult to accept my help, again… but please don’t deny yourself what you need because of me" he says with a tender voice, trying to make you understand that his gesture is motivated by concern and care. "Eating is a way to take care of your body and start healing. Please try to accept, do it for yourself." his firm, yet compassionate voice, hoping to find your consent.

You stared at the food in front of you, struggling with your inner resistance. After a moment of hesitation, a small sigh escapes from your lips.

You reached the food with your fingers trembling and swiped a piece of teylu towards your mouth. The first bite was reluctant, but slowly the taste and feeling of nourishment run through your mouth like a waterfall. The man’s sweet eyes lingered over you, smiling softly when he saw that you were finally letting him in somehow.

You gave him an indecipherable look as you chewed, with an ounce of admiration mingling with your strong resentment. Perhaps a small, hidden part of you wished for him to stay, believing that someone could still see past your wound.

While dinner was now taking place in the center of the village, you two remained in the tent, enveloped by the tension and uncertainty of the moment. He stood quietly watching you eat, making sure you really fed well.

"You must go, your village is dining…" whistling as you looked away from him, grabbing a yovo fruit, feeling the sweetness pinch your taste buds while the aromatic juice made you close your eyes nostalgically.

"I can eat later. now it is important that you eat" He answered gently, while yet another smile painted on his face, warming your heart in some strange way. "However, you can call me Neteyam" he whispered, offering his name to your ears.

You looked up, and your eyes seemed slightly more present. The sound of his name strangely resonated in your mind, sweet and melodious, like a caress to your ears.

"Ne-te-yam…Neteyam" you repeated in a low voice, experiencing the sweetness of the syllables of his name on your tongue.

Neteyam smiled again, spontaneously, as a light of joy lit in his eyes as you repeated his name without disgust or hostility. He had decided to share his name in the hope that it might be the first thread that could join you.

"Yes, Neteyam." he repeated, looking at how you seemed to want to engrave that name in your memory. His name gave you a strange feeling of calm.

You looked away from him, looking at the food you were tinkering with between your exiled fingers. "Thank you, Neteyam…" You whispered with a thread of voice and then filled your mouth again. You didn’t specify what you were grateful to Neteyam, but he warmed his heart to hear your words, feeling more relaxed in his presence.

The silence enveloped the tent, only the sound of your breaths and the rustling of the leaves outside could break the stillness. Neteyam put a hand on your head, stroking the braids, a tender contact that served to remind you that you were no longer alone, that there was someone who cared for you.

Your eyes crossed Neteyam’s honeyed eyes, needing no further words at that time. Your expressions, your looks, say enough, and time seemed to slow down in the quiet.

The eclipse gave way to the night, and the air outside the tent was filled with deep serenity. The village could now be heard again in the distance, and the sounds of their merriment were present, as the forest began to fall asleep with the calls of nocturnal animals.

"y/n" you revealed at your turn, breaking the silence. Your voice finally slightly warm, as if your name was still something dear to you. " My name is Y/n.." Your voice floated like a melody, a sound that intertwined with serenade night nature.

Neteyam was struck by the beauty of your name, not expecting you to return the presentation as he looked at you with eyes shining with something you couldn’t recognize.

"Y/n…" Neteyam whispered, echoing your name reverently. His face glowed with a new light, as if the name had unleashed something magical inside him. "I’m glad to meet you, Y/n" replied softly with a smile. "You have a very nice name" His voice is a gentle symphony that intertwined with the melody of the night outside the tent.

You nodded without smiling back. The wind blew lukewarm air outside the tent, bringing with it a slight air of unease. The interior of the marui was enveloped in a peaceful atmosphere, while you and Neteyam exchanged silent glances of understanding, needing no words while you finished dining.

However, the serenity and harmony that was being created between you was shattered by the entrance of a young woman whom you recognized as Tsakarem because of the clothing, hair and jewelry typical of her role. The figure with the regal bearing and the face twisted by annoyance made her appearance, as she approached with disgusted step by your figure.

Her eyes were full of annoyance, anger and perhaps jealousy as she watched the scene in front of her. She immediately noticed you, staring at you with apprehension and surprise, if not with much disgust and superiority.

"Look at that! The tspangoe is awake." Her voice was sharp and cold as a blade, as she spoke her words sarcastically. Her attitude was full of contempt, as if she considered you little more than a nuisance, an intruder in her territory who robbed her of precious time with her partner.

"Tsu'Län." He called her in cold voice, annoyed at her turning to you with so little respect. He stood up to face the woman with a nervous and tense expression.

"What, ma yawentu? I’m not saying anything wrong. I just expressed my surprise that the Tspangoe is alive and awake." She raised an eyebrow as she spoke in a feigned, challenging tone, waiting for Neteyam’s reaction.

"Don’t call her like that." Neteyam’s voice was loud and firm, as he was quietly devouring his partner. "Y/N. Her name is Y/n and now that you know it, use her name to address her."

Tsu'Län was a woman of a charming beauty and an enviable bearing, with long braids covered with feathers and jewels identifying the title, but there was a cold and petty aura surrounding her. Her hard eyes shook you, emitting an obvious contempt followed by a grimace.

"Ah, so you named your Tspangoe. Interesting. Very nice of you to welcome her among us after you…found her in the forest" Your face shrank in disgust at her words and then growl at her, receiving the same reaction. It disgusted you that she was judging you without even knowing you. Even though you knew you were a 'tspangoe', you didn’t think anyone would ever tell you that to your face with so little delicacy.

"It’s her name, I didn’t give it to her. Don’t reduce her to a definition, this isn’t you." Neteyam’s tone made clear his intent to come to her senses and take back the words she had just spoken to you.

Tsu'Län burst into a cold, cynical laugh as she bent over with laughter and carried a hand to touch her lips, amused by the words of her partner. "I don’t see why we should worry about a Tsapngoe" she said with contempt and then looked down on you "Exactly since when we started helping these… people. Ma Yawnetu, I will always love you but I don’t expect to share your affection with this… thing."

Your heart tightened within seconds when your mind was finally enlightened, realizing that the two of them were paired and that this meant that Neteyam was the son of the Olo'eyktan and next in the line of succession. You knew the Olo'eyktan of the Omatikaya clan because he was the legendary Toruk Makto, so the weight of what you were experiencing became even heavier.

You raised your head, looking at her as if her words hadn’t even touched you, looking at her in the same way she did at you. You wouldn’t let some random Na'vi knock you down and humiliate you like this.

"I don’t want to take your 'Yawnetu', nor rob you of his… affection?" you answered firmly, mocking her subtly for her insecurity. "I didn’t ask to be involved in this situation, but I’m only here because Neteyam chose to save me. It was his choice to bring me here, not me. So you can get out of this tent and bring him if you wish. But don’t disrespect me, Tsu'Län" Your tone full of superiority and dignity, so much so that it made the young woman grit her teeth.

Neteyam tried to intervene again, trying to reach an agreement between the two of you, but it was clear that Reyin'al is not going to listen reasons and that you would not bend your head. Two unstoppable furies, she’s determined to enforce her claim to Neteyam and humiliate you, and you’re determined to put her back where she belongs.

"Tsu'Län, stop it. Even if you do not like her presence here, she remains a Na'vi and as such deserves respect and understanding" He stood before her, watching her soured because of her behavior, starting to lose patience.

The Tsakarem laughed again, a sharp laugh full of contempt. "Respect and understanding? For a na'vi who tried to take her own life? I don’t think so. The Tspangoe lose all rights when they become such and you know it better than I do" Her gaze fixed on you with disgust. She seemed to enjoy every word she hurled at you, trying to erode your confidence and confidence, abnormal traits for Tspangoes.

"Keep your hopes up, little tspangoe. Sooner or later you will return to the abyss from which you came out, and Neteyam will understand how wrong he was to save you." She said as she approached you, leaning on your person, amused by your look upset by his words.

You instinctively took her from the braids, making her fall to the ground while you watched her with a newfound flame, but of anger. You could have overlooked the slight insults, but even you knew that enough was enough.

Your fingers tightened the braids, tearing off some of the feathers that adorned her hair, as she gasped out of pain, hitting your arm to free herself from the vise.Neteyam tried to get closer but stopped when he saw your burning look on her.

"Listen carefully. I don’t know who has spoiled you to the point where you believe that you can treat people the way you want just because of your status. But do not believe for a second that you can address me in these tones, of your title I can not care less. A Tsakarem lives under the guidance of Eywa more than anyone other than Tsahìk, try to live up to your title, nothing is due to you. You respect me, and I will try not to make you cry all the tears that you never shed, okay?" you hissed at her ear, before you let go of your grip and make her fall at Neteyam’s feet, that in the while he had watched the scene in silence. He knew your reaction had been a little excessive, but only Eywa knew how much he wanted to put her in her place like that when she was being a bitch.

One of the few privileges of having reached the point of reaching the bottom, is that empathy was your master and only guide, so you could not care about things like the status and moral codes of the Na'vi.

Tsu'Län stood back as she watched as some of her feathers remained in your hand and growled at you, massaging her sore braids.

"Remember, Tspangoe, this is my territory." her impatient and threatening voice made you smile internally, amused by the fact that she still tried to frighten you. You shrugged and then growled at her and pushed her back, annoyed, before she went out and left.

Neteyam looked back at you, not realizing that you had this strong spirit under that dark veil that shrouded you. You lay down on the carpet, giving your back to the boy before you snort. "You go too, now."

Within minutes, that woman had managed to ruin the little thread that Neteyam had managed to wrap around you, to get you close to him. And now he seemed to have returned to the starting point, making him frustrated and angry with his companion who had been petty and disrespectful.

✧⋄⋆⋅⋆⋄✧⋄⋆⋅⋆⋄✧⋄⋆⋅⋆⋄✧⋄⋆⋅⋆⋄✧⋄⋆⋅⋆⋄✧⋄⋆⋅⋆⋄✧

Notes:

I hope you enjoyed this chapter, things between Y/n and Neteyam are still sour but you can see the soft spot of Y/n.

While I would like to hug Neteyam because he is so cute, please. So boyfriend coded

- Mel

˚　　　　✦　　　.　　. 　 ˚　.　　　　　 . ✦　　　 　˚　　　　 . ★⋆. ࿐࿔　　　.   　　˚　　 　　*　　 　　✦　　　.　　.　　　✦　˚ 　

[mysticbewitched]

Hey mystic

I was gonna link an ask from earlier but i cant seem to put links in here for some reason and google is not helping. Its the one about the non-dualism community and how toxic it can be. I just wanted to say I am glad others agree. I wouldn't consider myself a beginner to loa manifesting or shifting. I just think its crazy how someone says things like "just be" and someone asks them to clarify it and they respond by saying something like "do you need help drinking water."

Trends come and go, I'm sure once ND is no longer new someone else will unearth some old spiritual practice and claim its above LOA as well. I just wish everyone would be accepting and encouraging instead of what seems to be condescending because they think they know something no one else does.

Lastly I heard you say on the podcast the person you were gonna do it with is no longer in your life, sorry to hear that. I only bring this up because I believe I saw a post saying you manifested this person into your life and then they changed (I could be wrong though). I also manifested someone back (an ex) but it was a 'manifestation' and all i ended up creating was misery.

You don't have to answer this if the last part is too personal, but if you want send me a message. Just wanted to say I think you have some great views that resonated.

Great podcast btw

I completely agree with you and I'm glad that others are able to see the madness that I'm seeing.

What they usually mean by telling you all, "just be" is they're telling you to realize your true self as awareness. They're telling you to just recognize your divine nature in the present moment and enjoy knowing yourself.

I don't see why they don't just tell you to turn within and recognize your true self as awareness in this present moment without all the riddles.

I agree that everyone here should turn within themselves and listen to their inner guidance instead of relying on the "others" for advice, because then the constant search and craving for more answers will never end. However, at the same time, it's the polite and helpful thing to do to let your readers know exactly what they're looking for while you advise for them to look within themselves for the truth: realizing divine the source of your true self.

If everyone knew what they were looking for, I think they would have an easier time turning within and trusting their inner voice to lead them to answers.

I feel as if the lack of clarification on exactly what to look for is unnecessary and it can come off as mind games instead of just being direct with the readers and telling them all, "you're turning within to realize your true nature. Hint: you are always *aware.*"

I happen to notice from time to time as well that some of these bloggers feel the need to use the whole "words are meaningless" nonsense as a moronic excuse to bully or put down other blogs amongst themselves or with their anons for simply viewing things in a different perspective and I don't think that's cool for anyone to do.

That behavior isn't right. It's just plain mean.

Everyone is entitled to their own perspective and share their own views, but to publicly put down specific blog names for everyone to hear and make fun of them together? Very condescending and cold.

Oh, believe me, I'm waiting for the next spiritual trend to come out of nowhere. I wonder what it's going to be next. Now my curiosity is in flames.

To end things here, I want to thank you so much for your kinds words and the lovely compliment.

Your feedback and appreciation for the podcast means so much to me. I'm so very glad to hear that my perspective of things resonated with you.

Thank you for enjoying my podcast.

[bettyshoweduptotheparty]

My Exit Note (for now) - and A Letter to Taylor

I’m so very sorry to the lovely people on here who will be saddened to read this, but this will be my last post for a while. I re-joined tumblr in June last year to re-reconnect to this lovely community, and it genuinely seemed so much safer to do than back in 2017. I thought the fandom had gained some perspective as a whole. But after only 7 months, the fandom (and by that I mean swifties) has once again become a battle ground for us, fuelled by none other than Taylor herself, and I’m no longer willing to gloss over that. I’m choosing my own peace.

It may seem like a very fickle move after only 7 months in this space, when the good people on here are genuinely some of the kindest and most intelligent people I’ve ever met online, but let me explain why I need to take a break. I don’t intend to leave Taylor Swift and her art behind and never look back. In fact, I have Eras tour tickets for the summer and I want to give myself a chance to actually be excited about that by the time June comes around. But it’s all too familiar, pretty much exactly the same reason I left tumblr the first time in 2017. I’m here to discuss and analyse Taylor’s art with likeminded (queer) people and I can’t respect the artist of that very art when she continually gives her toxic ‘fans’ ammunition to come into our safe space and harass us and then watches as we scramble to keep ourselves safe amidst abuse and threats. They are doing this in HER name. Members of a marginalised community she claims to be an ‘ally’ to are being doxxed and harassed in HER name and she’s doing nothing. If anything she’s fanning the flames while it burns. Whatever it is that she’s doing with her brand right now, her silence when her own crazy fans are sending DEATH THREATS to people for simply interpreting her art, means that I cannot be part of that right now. I thought the fandom had changed, that Taylor had grown more confident defending what she stands for, but clearly, I was wrong.

The tipping point back in 2017 for me, was when she told those kids from the rep secret sessions that the album was all about her darling bf and gave them permission to go after anyone who said otherwise. And boy, did they take that seriously. They came after us in our little corner for gushing over how beautifully gay those songs were, fuelled by words straight from the horse’s mouth. SHE sent those people after us. Because she wrote the gayest album in history and she couldn’t deal with the noise getting too loud. And I lost all respect for her. It was only in 2019 when she was suddenly draped in rainbows that I carefully looked at gaylor spaces online again, because it seemed like she was finally actually committing to it. But we all know how that ended… So, to see one of those very rep secret session kids on my YouTube feed yesterday picking apart this beautiful NY Times article with lies and inaccuracies in the name of Taylor’s straightness, just reminded me whose side she decides to put herself on. She invited those people to her house. She caters to them, not us. She made them think they were her friends and then sent them after us. With HER OWN WORDS. And I can’t be in the trenches for someone who hands my bullies a gun and points at the target.

I will leave my blog active this time, so my content will be here for people to engage with if they want. But I won’t be on here to receive your messages or dm’s. I’m sorry that I’m leaving you guys at a time where we need to stick together, but I’m getting more anger and hurt out of this than joy atm and that’s always the time for me to put myself first and step away. I hope that we will come together again when the tide changes, I’m still somewhat convinced that the clock is ticking towards a better time for us, but I need Taylor to come through for us (and herself) before I can look at her again. And I promise if that happens, I won’t hold a grudge.

And lastly, here’s something I’ve never done because I’m not crazy enough to think that Taylor sees us on here, but I don’t have any other social media and I had to get this off my chest. (If you have twitter/instagram, maybe do something similar, you never know, she might actually see it and I think she needs to know how much hurt she’s causing with this)

Dear Taylor, @taylorswift

What are you doing, love? I wish I could actually ask you that. In fact, I’ve wished it many times throughout the decade that I’ve been a fan of your music. I’ve wished that I could tell you what your music meant to me when I was heartbroken, and how much joy it brought me when I was young and felt invincible. You changed my life when you proudly held a girl’s hand in public with a smile that showed me that love is there for people like me to find, after all. And when the world was hard on you, I wished I could ask you if you were ok. But today, I just want to ask you this: what have I done to deserve you sending the worst kind of people after me? Time and time again. And you can’t tell me you didn’t know that would happen, I know you’re smart. I know you know the kind of people I’m talking about, the ones that worship you like a God, that will stop at nothing to defend the version of you they have in their heads. The ones you built your empire on. Good on you, but when did you stop caring for the people that actually see you and read the words you put out into the world for us? Was that not what you wanted? I can’t claim to understand how you live the life you’ve chosen, but at least your art was always there to bring joy to my life and community when I needed it. I didn’t need you to be a hero, but now you’ve become part of the problem.

So, here’s the thing: choose a side. Commit to us, or let us go. This line that you’re walking has reached the end. You want to be an ally? Fine. Let me help you with that: Don’t claim to be a safe space for queer people and then throw a grenade into our community and watch it burn. That’s not what an ally does. Don’t appropriate our culture by using our pride flag colours or the colour lavender and then deny the cultural and historic significance of those colours, effectively erasing their meaning. That’s not what an ally does. And most importantly, don’t let people be slaughtered, gaslit and harassed on the internet, or mainstream news, for interpreting your music as queer. A young queer woman, who is an incredible journalist, got called ‘inappropriate’ and a liar on national news yesterday, because she picked up what you’re putting down in your music and wrote an article about it. An incredible article by the way, one that made us all feel seen and validated. And then you’re letting old white men on national television call that inappropriate and invasive. You may not have said those words, but you let them stand there uncommented, let your cultish fans think that their hero is offended by being presumed to be gay. You guessed it, that’s also not what an ally does. A marginalised group of your fans got DEATH THREATS in your name in the last 24 hours because we pick up on queer flagging in your art. And you did nothing. You handed our bullies weapons and left us to fend for ourselves. That is not a safe space for LGBTQ people. And for that reason, you’re losing me.

Because I have nothing to believe. Unless you actually choose me (and yourself for that matter). Just once.

Until then,

J

[remi-harbinger]

Breaking news: Bingyuan is more toxic than u believe?? (not clickbait) (reaL)

ok so ive been thinking long and hard about their relationship and it doesnt make sense to me its so toxic and idk why theyd be the main pair of svsss that has so much potential for healthy loving ships (re: liuyuan)

Firstly: their relationship as a whole Binghe is notoriously sticky, and because we are sort of reading the novel through shen yuans eyes its an endearing trait. But if you think about it isnt it suffocating? It also shows an innate lack of trust in SY to do his own stuff and come back afterwards because of Binghe’s trust issues (ofc id have trust issues too if someone pushed me off a cliff but still). Binghe needs to work this out because the smothering is so toxic…

Next: love bombing and semi stockholm syndrome? this relationship is so funny to me because its like stockholm but weirder. SY literally lived in fear that LBH would murder him in the future and this causes him to cling to any affection LBH is giving because he’s taking it as reassurance to himself that he’ll live to see another day. Also im going to be honest the way SY treated LBH is sort of love bombing. He acts like a stern shizun at the start of the novel to not be OOC, then suddenly starts treating LBH as the sole star shining in the dark, then throws him off a cliff… It really gives a guy whiplash yk? Especially when you consider that aside from the washer woman, LBH has never been treated with love in his whole life up till this point. Hes been bullied so badly and even his own shizun hates him. He’s a literal child at this point in time, he’ll crave any love given and it is easy to see how this thirst for love could spiral into the more obsessive tendencies.

Now: Binghe and Bingmei I think that as Demons, you could sort of boil both OG!Binghe and Binghe (Bingmei)‘s treatment of SQQ into the base 7 deadly sins. Binghe would be Ira (Wrath/Hatred) and Bingmei would be Greed (Obsession). Their growing years as children under their respective shizuns has shaped their views and their feelings towards said shizuns have been carved deeply into their hearts. You can see how strong these emotions are in both Binghe’s elaborate and drawn out torture of OG!SQQ and Bingmei’s stickiness and overall yandere tendencies towards SY. Judging from the scale of LBH’s hatred towards OG!SQQ and drawing a parallel, current Bingmei’s obsession and greed for SY’s love is off the charts.

So what would happen if SY didnt reciprocate these feelings? If he did something that made Bingmei irrevocably angry? Emotions are wildly changing and never constant, and thus Bingmei’s affections is and will always be a damocles sword above SY’s head. SY may think he loves Bingmei, but he clearly doesn’t trust the constancy of the reciprocated feelings, and he definitely thinks about LBH getting blackened.

LBH and SY’s befuddling relationship dynamics: Now, they started off as master-disciple. This may seem not as important, but in Chinese there’s this saying “teacher for a day, father for a lifetime”. Do you understand what this means now that theyre in a relationship? Its a really weird power dynamic. Not to mention the whole “Demon lord/Person who swallowed said Demon Lord’s blood”. As I mentioned previously, because we are seeing SVSSS out of SY’s perspective, the importance of this is sort of glossed over with a “but its Binghe! Binghe’d never hurt me…”. LBH is able to control the blood to harm on scales unimaginable. He can kill, torture, cause you to be in excruciating pain, etc. LBH forcing his demon blood in SY is equivalent to LBH ripping out SY’s beating heart and holding it in his palm. He can literally crush the heart at any given moment and end SY’s life. Much motivation to convince yourself that you are in love with the one holding your life in his hands, right?

Wrapping this up because idt people will actually even read this: SY and LBH’s relationship may look like love up close, but its really toxic and they clearly lack the trust needed in a relationship. If there isn’t mutual respect and trust, can you even call their relationship love? I personally am of the opinion that it isnt love, especially considering the obsessive tendencies of LBH.

Ofc I have more to say and I hope you guys will discuss with me, but its late now so im keeping this quite short. If you’ve read the entire post marry me and pls still read SVSSS its a gem :)

[luvmyoui]

four - why?

previous masterlist next

gp!myoui mina x fem!reader

warnings: toxic relationship, cursing, infidelity, sexism, pregnancy, teacher x student thing (v brief), mentions of sex, tell me if there's anything else!

word count: 2,313

a/n: PLEASE tell me m if this is going too fast, i feel like it is but i need an opinion frm someone reading it, bcz i have a faint idea but i think im going too fast yk?

before mina’s birth, due to the ultrasound pictures, mina was thought to be a boy. unlike most intersex girls, there was nothing unusual about her anatomy. when mina was born, she was recognized as a male and grew up being treated as one. mina wasn't always as bad as she grew up to be, in fact it wasn't until she started spending more time with her grandparents that her view on others changed. 

mina’s grandparents were very old fashioned, they had strong beliefs and they tried their best to instill them in mina. due to the time spent with her grandparents mina eventually started acting the way they did and started to believe the same things as them. they believed that women were meant to stay home and take care of the children while her husband provided for her. their beliefs were passed down to mina who was the sole heir of the family, having had no cousins or siblings. 

7th grade, that's around the time where most hit puberty. the same was for mina, when she turned 12 she finally hit puberty, but it didn't go exactly as expected. 

“dad, my chest keeps getting fatter but i'm not fat, it’s like i'm growing boobs!” mina exclaimed to her father, she had never been more confused. what was going on?

the thought of mina being intersex had never crossed her fathers mind before the day this happened. It also could have been just the hormones from mina hitting puberty which was causing her to grow breast tissue. due to the fact that there could be 2 explanations to this mina’s father saw it best to have her tested. It may have just been her hormones, but just to be safe he decided to get her tested. 

when the results came back it was uncovered that mina indeed was intersex. this information came as a shock to everyone in the myoui family, especially mina. 

“does that mean my dick will fall off?! am i gonna become a girl?!” was what mina first said when she was told that she was indeed intersex and she was growing breasts. 

“listen kiddo, your penis isnt gonna fall off. and technically you are a girl, but that won't change anything. you're still you.” mina’s father replied, trying to comfort her. 

due to how many changes mina was going through because of her gender identity her parents decided to move to a new city to allow mina a fresh start. in mina’s new school she presented herself as a female saying that she didn't want to be trans and she would stick to the gender she looked like. 

mina had never experienced something like changing schools, she didn't know anyone there.  people had tried to bully her, tried to insult her. but it had always backfired, mina would never allow any disrespect towards her. especially from someone below her. mina often got into trouble, but her parents always bought their way out of it. 

mina always seemed to be stirring up trouble at school, her parents figured it was because she didn't have anything else to do. due to this thought they put her in boxing, she seemed to like starting fights so maybe boxing would work as an outlet for her anger instead of her classmates. when proposing the idea, mina was ecstatic, she could now learn new ways to beat up the kids in her school.

despite her hard and mean demeanor, mina fairly quickly rose to be the most popular in her school. It had always been like that, mina being the most popular and sought out student by others. being the most popular girl in her school and the prettiest, she had many admirers, majority of them being males. her many male suitors quickly diminished though, when she was caught in the boys locker room comparing sizes with the quarterback. 

ever since that day it was made known to everyone that mina had a dick, and a big one at that. 

mina’s popularity wasn't just among her peers, mina was also quite popular among the teachers. she always turned her work in on time and was constantly participating during class. not only was she an exceptional student, but the money her teachers were gifted during teacher appreciation week made them like her all the more. for this reason whenever mina would get into trouble with other students the teachers would often turn a blind eye or take mina’s side. along with being arguably the most favored student, there were many rumors that she was favored in other ways too. 

“hey mina, you know the new teacher, the hot one?” shawn asked, the quarterback of the football team and mina's best friend. 

“yeah, i have her for history, why?” 

“you’re always talking about how you can pull any girl in the school, so i dare you to fuck her and record it.” shawn said to mina and her eyes widened in shock, this was only their sophomore year. how early did he want her kicked out? 

“fuck, okay. by next month ill get you a video of that bitch sucking my dick.” mina responded, she would never turn down a dare, especially one that included fucking someone. 

and true to her word by the next month she had sent a video into the group chat with all her friends of the said teacher on her knees sucking minas cock. It made sense to them that the teacher would sleep with mina but to let her record it? everyone was baffled at how she did it. In response mina just said that the teacher obviously didn't know she was being recorded. the video for obvious reasons didn't make it out of the group chat but it did cause many unconfirmed rumors amongst the students. 

although mina was known for fucking around, and never taking anyone seriously, that all changed when she met y/n. y/n was different, her beauty was on another level. The moment mina laid eyes on y/n she knew she was done for. that was the moment her reputation changed from fuckboy to lovergirl. she pursued y/n for months before she was given a chance but even while pursuing y/n there was nothing more that mina would want to do. y/n was it for her, she knew she wanted forever with y/n. 

mina had never acted this way, she would skip out on parties to spend time chasing after y/n. she refused all advances from other girls saying she was taken, it might not have been official but the moment mina saw y/n she was taken. It wasn't like you were a nobody either, everyone knew the y/n l/n you were only second to mina in popularity. mina for some reason had never noticed you, too focused on her own life; she never knew of your existence until she saw you laughing with your friends at a party. 

dating someone like mina wasn't always the easiest thing, mina had this huge superiority complex. your relationship with her was always you compromising on things. she acted as if she owned you, you weren't allowed to have any male friends, but she was allowed to be friends with anyone. 

mina would never tell you, but she liked the power trip she got whenever she was with you. you were the perfect girlfriend, you never complained, and you always did what she said. mina never wanted to lose you, no matter how it seemed or how she treated you she knew that she’d never find someone like you. 

when you had first told her you were pregnant mina couldn't believe it, it was like a dream. she had always wanted kids, especially with you. You were her girl and you were gonna have her baby. she honestly had no bad intentions, she always loved kids, having a son was always something she wanted.

the day she was told you were pregnant she called her grandparents, they were in japan so she couldn't personally meet them but she wanted their advice. the one person mina respected the most was her grandfather, and now that she was going to have a kid she wanted his advice. her grandfather told her that she should treat her girlfriend exceptionally because she was carrying the next generation. he told her that having a son was the best gift she could be blessed with. 

with her new found advice and information mina tried her hardest to be an amazing girlfriend to y/n. she obviously wouldn’t lie and say she enjoyed staying up at night while y/n cried and vomited but she still loved y/n and her child on the way. sometimes she would question herself and why she was even doing all this, why she was missing out on sleep for this stupid reason. y/n could do this herself, why did she always insist on mina staying up with her. mina never voiced these thoughts but they stayed on her mind.

mina felt so accomplished when she found out that she had in fact gotten y/n pregnant, and not only that, y/n was also going to keep the baby. all of her friends were surprised when she told them and didn't believe that mina had in fact knocked up the y/n l/n. y/n was known for her reputation of being a virgin and never getting intimate with anyone, much less getting pregnant. 

when the baby was born and the gender was seen to be a girl, mina was incredibly disappointed. she knew that y/n could have another baby but mina knew y/n would never agree to it. she resented y/n, it wasn't the child's fault for being born the way she was, it was y/n’s fault. deep down mina knew that no one was to blame but she could help but need someone to blame. 

maybe that's what led her to seek comfort in the arms of another, y/n’s body wasn't as desirable as it used to be. you had gained weight due to the pregnancy and mina hated that, she would often make comments on your body and weight in hopes that you would change it. the change was taking too long and mina was getting tired of waiting. she had needs and if you couldn't fulfill them she would have to find others to. 

mina tried to tell herself that it was you who made her do this, it was you who forced her into doing this. she left the home when you were sleeping and left to go to a party, ‘this is y/n’s fault, it’s on y/n’ is what she’d repeat to herself. she found someone pretty in no time, and she dragged them up to one of the rooms not letting her lips leave their skin. 

as she fucked the other girl all she could think of was you, the way your eyes squinted as you laughed, the smell of you, the way you said her name. she couldn't do this. mina didn't realize it, but the tears were pouring out of her eyes and onto the back of the girl under her. she never hated herself more, she wanted to throw up. She hadn’t drank anything, but she felt sick to her stomach. she pulled out and pulled up her pants, the other girl was confused and as she went to ask mina what happened mina left. 

she went back to her shared apartment with you and showered, she needed to wash it off, she felt disgusted with herself. how could she have done this, she sat in under the shower crying to herself. she hated herself for what she had done, she never thought of herself as cruel but there was no other word to use for her actions other than cruel. 

her skin was all pruned up by the time she exited the shower, she laid behind you in bed crying quietly into your shoulder. feeling the wetness on your shoulder you slowly stirred awake and turned around to see mina crying. she refused to tell you what upset her but she kept repeating ‘i love you’ and ‘i'm sorry’. you had no idea why she was saying this but you just wrapped your hands around her as she buried her face in your neck. 

after that day mina changed, it was a confusing change, and it led you to believe that mina was now cheating on you. after that day mina started acting more distant. you didn't know what happened but you could smell perfume that wasn't yours on her clothes when you washed them. mina was confused, maybe if mina was a different person she would've found herself wrong and changed. but in the end mina was still mina and she kept the thought that you made her do it in her head. the cheating stopped, but the way she treated you stayed the same. 

the thought that mina was mistreating you never crossed her mind once, you were made to take care of children, to cook, and to clean. her telling you to do this was the bare minimum, in mina’s eyes she treated you amazingly. 

mina never treated you badly, she loved you so much and she would never mistreat a loved one. her wanting to become an idol shouldn't have been a surprise for you and you should have supported her. she was the victim in this situation. maybe she wasn't as present in her child's life as she should've been, but if that really bothered you then it was your fault for not saying anything. 

If mina really hadn't done anything wrong then why did she feel so empty as she boarded the plane to korea only accompanied by your words. 

a/n: lets ignore that mina never had a boy name and all the other things that don't make sense🤗🤗 also im sorry if this is bad i didn't know what to write😭😭

taglist: @moon-ellie @lisas-earlobe @cocojy @second-daughter-of-clexa @runassimp send an ask if you wanna be added to the taglist!

[littlekohai77]

Pole vault

🅆🄰🅁🄽🄸🄽🄶🅂: reader being insecure and having a horrible self image, colorism cause Asian beauty standards are toxic. Reader mentioned to not be as white as A4 paper. Reader mentioned to be chubby and short. Reader lowkey checking hyun-su out.

It always infuriates you when you react to something in a manner that's slightly... Humiliating. When you can't hide how much you're affected. Whether that be for a positive or a negative thing.

You hate that all your emotions show up on your face. You hate that people can read you so easily. That people know exactly what cards to play to get to you.

That's exactly what you had thought when Hyun-su first approached you.

You were freshly dumped out of a toxic friend group when he'd met you.

At first you didn't pay him much mind. He was irresistible, yes. But... You knew he'd never like you. He was literally wanted by every girl in school. All they had left to do to get the point across was physically hunt him down.

You weren't conventionally pretty, skinny or social.

You didn't have too many friends in high school, just a senior and his little sister to hang around. And of course, the kind janitor.

Nobody really wanted to hang out with you, and... It might've been your fault. Partly.

You had been quite guarded and hostile during your freshman year, after getting bullied in middle school. Which drove people away. Cause aint nobody got the time to climb that wall.

But he did.

You two didn't even met all too often, small run ins at the convenient store that happens to stock your favorite drink and happens to be close to his school.

Passing by each other on the way to home. You'd be leaving a little late, cleaning up the club room with Eun-hyuk.

As soon as you'd step out the gate, you'd bump into him. Coincidentally. So many times... The timing so perfect you'd almost be convinced that he was waiting for you.

But of course he wouldn't. You two don't even know each other.

But he always tried to strike up conversations. At first, it was annoying. Painfully so, to be having to respond to small talk. Your head aching.

You had acted rudely quite a few times. Which he either laughed off, stayed quiet for 5 minutes, or give a rebuttal. The latter would ensue a verbal fist fight.... A one sided verbal fist fight. With you delivering the most hints and him walking it off.

You didn't understand what made him stick around. You wouldn't hang out with yourself either, than.. Why?

But then he began to grow on you. You began to somewhat look forward to it. At the time you'd blamed it on the made up fact that he'd become a part of your routine.

But now that you look back on it, that fondness was probably you finally beginning to accept him as a friend.

"Why that face? "

"What do you mean? " you responded, wiping away the obvious frown you had previously. Damnit, he has sharp eyes.

"Your face, are you.. Upset today? " his head tilted to the right, resembling a curious puppy.

"Maybe... " you shrugged, not really wanting to elaborate.

"Why? " he leaned in closer to your side.

Which made you a bit annoyed...or rather flustered "What why? "

"Well.. Tell me. "

"You... Wanna know? " you sounded surprised. And your surprise seemed to have made him surprised. As if he didn't expect that people don't actually wanna hear other's problems.

"I wanna. " he vehemently nodded his head, his fluffy hair bouncing in a way that made your fingers twitch at your side, wanting to touch it.

"Well... I've been.. Failing chemistry lately.. " you looked ahead at the road and slightly sped up your pace.

"Mhm.. "

"And... It's really taking a toll on me. "

"But why? "

You released a sigh through your nose in frustration, even if he grew on you, there was still a part of him that you hated, his 'why's that would dig into the parts that you didn't want to discuss, the parts that made you squirmy. Embarrassed.

"What do you mean 'why' ???!!? "

"Why do you care about your grades so much? "

"I... Isn't that normal? To care? " your attempted to deflect.

"Well... Yeah but.. Usually that's when your parents also care. And... It seems you dad doesn't necessarily? "

"... You know my dad? "

"Ran into him thrice. "

"Oh well.. You won't get it. " and that was your dismissal. The one thing he couldn't yet break past in this acquaintance like relationship that you share, that existed only on the road to home. And it upset him, that much you could gauge from his pout.

Silence ensued

"...."

".... "

"Okay... Maybe I won't" he muttered with a sigh of defeat. Clutching the strap of his book bag and bouncing it higher on his left shoulder.

More silence.

But not meaningless silence.

He was scratching the back of his head, and pulling at his bangs. Seemed like he had his thinking cap on.

"But, how about this? I'm pretty okay at chemistry so.. I'll tutor you? "

"For how much? "

"Uhm.. I dunno..free? "

You were surprised he'd be that generous.. But maybe it's not that surprising considering he's talking to you.

"You're not taking anything? "

"Not that I can think of... What are you willing to give? "

"Uhmm... Not money? "

He gave you a feigned glare of judgement.

"Cheapskate."

Oh... Had it struck 6:00 pm already? Seems like it's time for your routinely one sided verbal assault.

"Says the one who buys nearly expired bread. Thinks he's all that with that Vector lookin ass hair cut. Wearing above the knee shorts like a kindergartener but I guess it suits you since you got the mentality of one too. Would explain why you got spinach in your teeth-ALSO you said you don't want money, so that shouldn't even matter! You're just tryna get under my skin at this poi-"

"Tutor me in physics. "

"Huh? "

"Tutor, me, in, physics. "

"You're bad at physics of all things? " now it was your turn to be judgemental.

"Yeah, I know. Tragic that someone as perfect as me can have imperfections. But I believe that makes me all the more charming!!✨" the way he brushed his hair back and stepped under the street light made you want to roll your eyes into the next dimension.

"Stop acting like Tamaki. "

"Thought you liked him? " he grins that infuriatingly charming grin and wiggles his eye brows teasingly.

"That was a horrible impression. " you say after a feigned gag.

"Ehhhh whatever. Gimme your number. "

"Huh? "

"For the tutoring session? I mean, if it's like at your house and mine, I'm fine with that too... Not that I know your address so.... Might need that. "

Of course... He'd never ask for your number.

A realization hits you and you suddenly start stomping off. BECAUSE WHY THE HELL WOULD YOU CARE ABOUT HIM ASKING FOR YOUR NUMBER?? IT'S NOT LIKE YOU HAD A CRUSH ON HIM OR ANYTHING??? BRO IS YOUR SELF ESTEEM REALLY THAT LOW THAT YOU'D GET AFFECTED EACH TIME A PRETTY BOY DOESN'T WANNA BE WITH YOU????? AJHZJAHXJNSZN

"OIIIII! WAIT! WHAT HAPPENED??!! WHAT THE HEL-"

He yelled, running after you. Grabbing your hand and turning you around, and your forehead hit his chin.

"Ouch! Ahhhh... " he mutters rubbing it. You didn't apologize, head too busy spinning in circles. His hold wasn't that strong. It was firm.. But you could definitely break it off had you tried.

"What's the matter? I mean, if it's too much.. Fine we can forget we ever agreed to that. I just... I just wanted to help....... "

Silence from you.

"Look I.... I wasn't trying to upset you so like... I'm sorry if I did... Can you... " he looks into your eyes pleadingly and all you give him back is silence.

"Can you at least tell me so that... So that I can properly apologize? " he was nervous. He looked like he was an inch away from whimpering like a kicked puppy. And you slowly began to come back from your disassociative state.

"No it's... Uhhh.." Why's he looking at you with those eyes...

"Yes? "

"Sure I'll give you my number... And... Anddd... "

"And? " and then you kinda just rambled off without thinking because you'd become hyper aware for his hand around your wrist and his warm touch against your cold.

"Andddd.... Annddd we can't do it at home... They'll... Probably assume that we're.... We're.... "

"Dating? "

"Yeah... That... " you nodded, staring at his lips and nose. Too afraid to look into his eyes. Too afraid that you'd crumble to your knees at the sight. At the touch of him against you. Why does it feel so nice? It's like you're floating. It's making you dizzy. Because it's him, Hyun-su. The boy you used to watch play from your window when you were 9. The one you'd leave random things for on his doorstep. Hoping at least he'd notice. He didn't have to like it. Just acknowledge them. He probably doesn't remember the many times you've met before. Because you were a nobody. A nobody that he was now standing in front of. Holding onto. His was so close. You could almost smell his cologne and a hint of sweat. His body was so close. Heat literally radiating off of it. You could make out the muscles under his shirt. God you were such a pervert.

"Hey... You okay? " when that sweet saccharine voice of his flows into your ear, you feel like you might just collapse. Fuck, when did his face get so close? Your knees are starting to buckle and you hope that you crash into his chest when you fall. So that you can hear if his heart is beating as fast as yours. Maybe that'd break this fantasy of yours. Because who'd want to be with you. You were chubby. Your inner thighs brushed against each other when you walked, you got tummy rolls when you sat down. You were short. Your skin wasn't pale. You didn't have any particular talents. Your only sense of self worth based on your scores-

"Y/n?? " now both his hands were on your cheeks, squishing your face slightly. His worried yet angelic face so close you felt like you were suffocating, heart in your throat.

A car horn broke the haze.

You peeled off his hands and continued walking.

After a few paces you uttered a number as he stayed behind, beyond confused.

"xxxxxxxxxxxxxx"

"What? "

"My number? "

"Oh... Could you repeat that? " he quickly pulled out his cellphone. Growing confused when you picked at your nails.

"Hmmm... I don't know... My throats kinda dry... A soda would help me speak... " you thought he probably would give up after this.

"ALRIGHT! LESSS GO!! ☆(ﾉ◕ヮ◕)ﾉ*"

He was so overjoyed that he almost dropped his phone. Grabbing onto your hand and running across the street so fast that you almost got whiplash.

His touch was still electrifying. But not like before, where it was to the point that you wanted to squirm away.

When you two arrived at the convenient store, you were the one to break off his hold. As you could feel your lips quirking up. And you didn't want that. You didn't want to be vulnerable in front of him. Not yet.

He was nice. Probably the nicest guy you'd ever met and you didn't want that illusion to be broken too quickly. So let him be cautious, let him think he doesn't affect you.

As you left the convenient store, sipping your soda and his phone in hand, dialing in your number.

You took a glance at his lock screen before returning it. "You're such a basic bitch. "

"Heyy!" He just pouted in return.

Silence again...

But...

Oddly.. Okay?

Comfortable even.

"Did you mean that when you said there's spinach in my teeth? "

Of course he never shuts up. And you loved him for that. Because he didn't just climb that wall. He fucking pole vaulted over it.

*･ﾟﾟ･*:.｡..｡.:*ﾟ:*:✼✿　　✿✼:*ﾟ:.｡..｡.:*･ﾟﾟ･*

I might've portrayed him wrong but I wanted to give off the feeling that he was really comfortable around reader. And also this is before he got bullied so... Yeah. Probably didn't portray reader's insecurities well enough either. This is so cringe god help me I just wanna get to monster part.

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[comfortless]

König is usually depicted as an only child in most peoples headcanons, but how different do you think he would be if he had older/younger siblings?

actually i think it would be really fun to explore König being a middle child. ^^ there are so many possibilities, this is like finding a really big stick outside to poke at poor König with…

tw for emotional/physical abuse, bullying, toxic masculinity nonsense, mental health stuff.

i think that everyone heralds König’s father as being the worst of the worst, but what if that awful behavior was reserved solely for König? maybe he had an older sister that his parents see as being their golden child. she doesn’t get bullied: she’s pretty, average height, her grades don’t suffer from something undiagnosed holding her back. the yelling and fighting in the house is never targeted at her.

König knows his older sister is the favorite, there’s never been any doubt about that. even as children she was granted anything that she could ask for, had their mother doting on her constantly, his father praising her for academic achievements and for simply existing. the love is definitely there, no questions asked. their parents always wanted a daughter and here she is: more capable and wonderful than they could have even hoped for.

and seeing how they may have treated König: the girl follows suit in making her younger brother’s life a bit hellish. she was never violent with him, not like their father, nor was she cold like their mother, but she would chide König endlessly about how he needed to focus on his studies, even when he couldn’t possibly do so.

the protestations would fall entirely on deaf ears here. his sister means well, in a way, but she also serves as a constant reminder of just how wonderful König’s life could have been if he were only more normal. (which, isn’t the case at all in this horrible, dysfunctional family. König just happened to be an “oops”, and his mother’s post-partum depression may have been so bad she never properly bonded with him when it was most important to do so.) i imagine that he loves her, Oma taught him to be good to women no matter how many squabbles that they get into, but there’s definitely a layer of resentment there.

say… he has a younger brother, too. always treated as some fragile, beloved thing. he’s taken out to buy new clothes and snacks when König’s jeans are full of holes and he’s left to his own devices to find food. that’s fair, in König’s eyes. he dotes on his little brother just as much as the rest of them, because their difference in age is smaller than with the older sister, he’s only a grade or two below him. his younger sibling is the closest thing that he has to a sincere friend.

the kids at school bully him in turn simply for being associated with König. pointing out that one day, he’ll probably hit some bizarre growth spurt and behave like an animal trapped in a cage, just as his older sibling did. unlike their sister, König’s not so hellbent on keeping up appearances at school that he would shy away from throwing some poor bastard into the mud to defend his brother. or his father.

though the old man is certainly kinder to his youngest child, he still thinks of him as being too soft. he won’t toss a fist his way, but the arguments in that house seem to triple when he realizes his boy isn’t as tough and strong as he should be. their father is constantly bickering with his mother over babying their youngest too much, and as awful as it is, hearing all of this is probably the first time König’s actually felt any pride in himself. the old man compares these two and almost seems elated that König’s becoming a proper man, one that doesn’t come crying to his mother like his brother does so often.

and despite all of this, König would have a lot of good memories with them. their sister has her own friends, but never held back on spending time with her (weird) brothers. maybe they built a little fort in the forest beyond their house to share stories and hoard snacks or trinkets. König had to set it up, of course, but it gives him a chance to play some sort of mentor to the both of them, showing off how easily he can structure something and share his knowledge about anything under the sun on hazy summer days when they’re picnicking outside to get away from their parents.

i don’t believe König would turn out too differently, honestly! maybe he would be more social, actually having two other people he could talk to if he chose it. in fact, after their Oma’s passing, maybe his siblings and his mother are the only parts of his family he bothers to keep in contact with at all. unfortunately bullying would take a toll on him regardless of if he had one sibling or twelve. he might trust (some of) the people that he shares blood with, but ultimately the world is still something unfair and cruel.

[eddiediazismyhusband]

Still with you in the wait and see approach. I need to be confident that relationship is bones and there won't be signs of it until at least the premiere.

that’s where i’m at too. i also just think someone needs to remind tim minear of what exactly his job is. his job isn’t to stir up fandom drama (and then complain about drama that he himself is partially to blame for but then refuse to directly call out the toxic ones) his job is to tell a story; but he decided that wasn’t what his job was the moment he scrapped 7b to rewrite it into whatever that mess was rather than just giving us an (admittedly) rushed backhalf of the season, and then open s8 up for NEW content.

No instead, he’s rehashing old storylines (gerrard), driving (literal) dead plotlines even further into the ground by creating new elements that there has never been any evidence of before (shannon), as well as actively giving the toxic fans he complained about the ammunition they need to continue being toxic (bt).

it feels like when he came back, he got this kind of god complex and is deciding to use 9-1-1 as his dollhouse for his wacky “masterpieces” that aren’t even that well thought out, and thinking that he needs to come up with these convoluted crazy plots to keep audiences interested, when most of the fandom have been vocal about how they miss the s2-4 era where it was just a procedural drama… not a hitchcock remake or an homage to classic b-movies.

i miss the energy of past seasons when yeah there was drama, but overall it was still a silly feel-good show; but then in s7 rather than emulating s1 and having it be a shorter reestablished character-focused season, he had it be both a character focus season (that decided to retcon and rewrite entire character traits of some people) as well as trying to cram in crazy drama plots (like listen, the cruise ship arc was decent, but it should have been focused on the storm/wave ONLY rather than the dumbass pirate plot that only took 10 minutes 💀).

so yeah, i’n trying to still remain positive and interact w headcanon/fanfiction content and posting the occasional “i hope we get this in s8”, but as far as actively speculating and teying to figure things out from photos or 2 second clips that will most likely only result in disappointment or frustration upon seeing the finished product, i’m not gonna hold my breath for anything.

Again if you wish to engage in spec and have fun with that, then by all means do! I just don’t have the mental capacity to do that healthily so i find it oftentimes more rewarding to keep my expectations low (especially after i got kinda spec crazy last season)

but also if you DO engage in spec, don’t try to gaslight and bully people, telling them that their interpretation is wrong just bc it’s not yours (meaning if someone is cautious about whether or not we’re getting buddie canon, don’t tell them they are delusional and insane bc ‘we absolutely 1000% are and there is no possibility we aren’t’ even tho it is very likely that we unfortunately won’t get buddie canon) i’ve had to make the decision to unfollow so many larger buddie blogs that i used to enjoy bc seeing the way they interact with fans’ concerns, low expectations, etc made me feel so icky bc they were beginning to sound like a certain part of the fandom (👀) and i don’t like that.

like i’m not going to go on someone’s post where they’re voicing their concerns and say “this is stupid that would never happen you’re delusional”

it’s one thing to be like “hey, i get that you may be stressed, but i look at it this way and that seems to help me” or to be like “good points, but if you look at this and this” but to actively make people feel stupid for having (objectively based on how s7 went) concerns about s8? that’s icky behavior to me idk

anyway i kinda hijacked this ask and went on alittle tangent, but no i am right there with you too on the “wait and see” of it all bc so far i have not seen anything truly promising about this season, and i honestly probably won’t until the show comes out and we actually get a feel for where tim’s brain is at this season (which…. knowing where his brain went last season doesn’t fill me with excitement)

[akane-kurokawa]

Chapter 144 thoughts!

So they’re cutting ahead again, and I have mixed feelings about this. On one hand, we’re still building on Ruby’s character arc regarding her feelings for Gorou, so it makes sense.

But on the other hand, the implication that they’re doing the entire movie chronologically means that Hikaru and Ai’s part of the movie together is over, which is ludicrous to me because Aqua’s “ultimate revenge play” fantasy that he’s been coming up with since childhood has ultimately just been “the Uwuification of Hikaru Kamiki”

I’m not too phased because I still think we’re going to return to it, Frill was confident from script alone that Aqua was trying to kill his father, and there was an emphasis placed on Ai denying Hikaru. I’m not sure why it hasn’t happened from a watsonian perspective (maybe hospital availability pushing those scenes up?) but from a doyalist perspective I could see it being the climax of Ruby’s character arc which she isn’t ready for.

It’s another one of those “I can’t really judge it until I’ve seen the rest of the arc” things so I’ll try to just judge it for what is is right now.

Melt looks so good as Gorou! I didn’t think much about the casting when it was announced but he’s really bringing the role to life.

Ruby chiming in to essentially go “no he wouldn’t fucking say that” is both funny and indicative to the entitled perception and attachment she feels to him. It specifically gives me a lighter version of Nino talking about Ai

I like how Melt talks about understanding Gorou here. He really is an understanding and empathic person and it shines through in his acting style. Him calling the role “cool” is cute to me.

Ruby really gets mean here in a way that almost comes off as out of character. It reads to me like her obsession is growing more toxic, or maybe some lingering cruelty from how she was behaving before, but it is a little jarring.

Melt’s interpretation of Gorou is spot on to me, he understands Gorou’s subtly and respect better than even Ruby does. (Though @aihoshiino pointed out to me that Gorou is implied by the anime and the chapter where his corpse is found to have had his keychain out the whole time in front of Ai. Still, in terms of his professionalism and hiding that he’s a fan Melt gets it)

It makes me wonder what his information is. He doesn’t know Gorou’s name (which makes sense since Gorou can’t legally consent to his name being used) but he knows his history with Sarina enough to guess she gave him the pin.

Also this dude! Glad to see him

The pin’s relevance to her turnaround feels very rooted in sentimentality. I really like the concept of it, but it feels a bit dangerously close to Comedy!Ruby from the Hikaru Ai scenes. I think I like it more here though, as it feels more in character and purposeful.

Crow girl in the tree like a creature is healing me tbh. I know a lot of people are skeptical of her and the supernatural element her presence enforces, but I’ve always found her so interesting and fun and I’m happy to see her again.

Thank you for asking about how she gets around, that’s been one of the goofy questions the server has been mulling over for a while now lol

Interesting that this location seems significant to her, considering her first appearance here, as well as the fact that her two reincarnation targets where here when they died. Her implying there may be more special people is interesting. I wonder if any more will come into the story, though part of me doubts it.

This might imply characters we’ve met have god attachments without even knowing it. Simple guess here would be Ai, there’s precedence for her to be connected to the “God of Entertainment.” Though even if she was, I’m sure what kind of relevancy that would have -if any- considering she is dead and confirmed never coming back, but it’s interesting to think about.

See? She’s such a goofball! Between this and Aqua bullying her into being an actor, she’s been a strong comedic pillar in this arc.

All in all, a pretty decent chapter, kinda annoying in its placement, but much better than having the skip week after last chapter.

[faramirsonofgondor]

Ted Lasso Thoughts: Jamie & Apologies

I haven’t seen a lot of people talk about this but can I just say that even though Jamie was like a total fucking prick in season 1, he honestly didn’t deserve a lot of the treatment he got from the team, especially in season 3. It was honestly kind of a toxic work environment for him because I don’t think he thought he was allowed to set boundaries with other people and express his emotions completely. Like obviously he spent some of his time in therapy learning how to express how he felt with his father and how to set boundaries with him specifically, but I don’t think he ever really learnt how to do that with the team and everyone else in his life (Ted, Roy, Keeley, etc.) Also, I don’t see many people bringing this up either but it grates my nerves so badly in season 3 when Jamie brings up his concerns about Zava and they’re all just like “well, you’re being hypocritical.” But he’s not. Because he fixed his behavior. It’s honestly so unfair for them to constantly throw his old behavior back in his face when they’ve already “forgiven” him. If they actually forgave him, they wouldn’t feel the need to constantly bring it up. The team and the coaches’ opinion of him is very clearly important to him and how he reacts to others. When Isaac and everyone got mad he wasn’t scoring goals in 3x07, he makes this face like he’s a bit hurt and he disagrees with what they’re saying, but he never responds to that. However, if Jamie had acted that way to any of them….

I know Ted was really trying to help and give Jamie a second chance when he invited him back to Richmond, but he definitely needed to clear things up with him because it seems like Jamie is just letting everyone walk all over him? Like he may not be bothered with their behavior, but I honestly think that deep down he doesn’t think he’s allowed to be, which is such a fucked up notion. Just because you were an asshole before doesn’t give everyone else around you the right to be an asshole to you and only you later on. Like I really can’t find any instances of the team or coaches getting rude or aggressive like they do with Jamie, besides maybe when everyone tells Jan Maas to shut up.

I just really hate the way they handled this, especially considering Jamie is a survivor of abuse and likely has a hard time even recognizing toxic behavior, letting alone standing up for himself. Like they could have at least had one person acknowledge that Jamie didn’t deserve to get constantly yelled at (by Roy, by Ted, by his father, by his team mates). I’m not saying what happened between Isaac and Jamie was a common occurrence but the fact that nobody said anything? Along with the fact that nobody apologized or checked in on Jamie after the whole Zava ordeal?

I 100% mean it when I say that Jamie deserves an apology from almost everyone in the show. Did Jamie fuck up sometimes? Yes. Did he constantly over apologize for it? Yes. Did anyone apologize to him? Maybe a couple of times. But I can list at least 10 things off the top of my head that no one addressed or apologized for:

1) Keeley & Roy never apologized (at least on screen) for what they said at the charity auction.

2) Ted never apologized or addressed walking away from Jamie when his father was abusing him.

3) Rebecca never apologized to Jamie for getting rid of him with no reason or warning (the least she could’ve done was tell Jamie she was the one who did it)

4) The team (Isaac specifically) never apologized for blaming Jamie for their relegation when he literally did his job? He wasn’t even the one who scored the goal? And some of the shit they were mad about was super fucking petty too? Like Richard being super upset that Jamie cupped a fart and put it in his face but that’s literally just peak sibling behavior tbh, not really “bullying”.

5) Ted, Beard, and Nate never really addressed or apologized to Jamie for not stepping in when Jamie was getting shit on when he came back? Like instead of telling the team to knock it off, he just does his Led Tasso thing? Which might’ve helped but it didn’t really address how they were treating Jamie?

6) Roy never apologized for not coaching Jamie and acting immaturely. Like that whole humiliation thing was so weird and uncomfortable. I know a lot of people play off as some kinky thing, and maybe it was partially, but it’s also really shitty of Roy to that, especially considering the power imbalance between them. Like, Jamie was genuinely trying receive feedback and instruction from someone who’s meant to his boss/coach, and Roy uses his power to humiliate Jamie, knowing that Jamie was actually just looking for help, and then he refuses to actually give Jamie any feedback. Like he does eventually, when Ted steps in (for once), but he’s still kind of vague and insulting when he does it. And he never acknowledges what he does?

7) Roy never actually addresses the fact that he “forgave” Jamie during 2x11. This isn’t actually that big of a “Jamie deserves an apology” situation. But I think it Roy should’ve at least told Jamie he was forgiven. Like he just yelled “Fuck!” and left him? Idk I just think it would’ve been nice for Roy to actually talk to him and not leave him floundering for understanding.

8) The coaches never apologized to Jamie for ignoring his concerns about Zava and calling a hypocrite. I’ve already talked about this earlier so I’m not really gonna elaborate. But I also think they should’ve stepped in after Zava stole Jamie’s goal ( like actually addressed it, not have Roy do some half praise/half insult invite to private training)

9) Ted never apologized for the shitty unsolicited advice he keeps giving Jamie about his dad! Please for the love of fuck Ted, just be quiet on this matter. I’m not even going to in depth on this one cause it speaks for itself.

10) James Tartt Sr. never once apologized for all the fucked up, monstrous, evil, god-awful shit he did to Jamie. This man committed every single type of abuse (emotional, physical, mental, sexual). And while it’s EXTREMELY unrealistic for him to apologize to Jamie for any this, they should not have even considered having Jamie forgive his father if he wasn’t going to apologize in the first place.

Anyways, Jamie deserved better and I will be forever mad that he did not get all the apologies he deserved.

**Also I would like to say that this isn’t me criticizing the characters themselves, but their actions and behaviors. I don’t think that these are necessarily toxic people (besides Jamie’s dad and Zava), but that they just have some toxic behaviors, which has led to an unhealthy dynamic between themselves and Jamie. There are plenty of moments when the characters (mainly Roy) notice their behavior towards Jamie and correct it or acknowledge it, but there are also MANY MANY moments where they don’t. There are also times where Jamie seems very uncomfortable or upset but doesn’t say anything (which can be attributed to the unhealthy dynamic between himself and others due to the fact that he doesn’t think he has the right to point out other peoples flaws or the ways they’ve hurt and are hurting him)

[werdlewrites]

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summary: “Kind of bullshit, isn’t it?” She looks to the other for her thoughts, but Autumn waits in silence, watching as crystal blues fill with sorrow once more, before shaking away the hurt. “We’re just… Expected t’go back t’normal. Like nothing’s happened. Like Barb isn’t gone. warnings: cursing as always, ptsd, bullying, mentions of death and mourning, steve is soft wc: 3,295

November 22nd is Autumn’s second day back to school. It’s the same as the day prior—a new schedule she hadn’t been quite used to as Steve sits out in his warmed car, waiting for her. He says it’s for her sake—only doing what he thinks would help make this more comfortable. He acts like a lit candle in the dark, a comfort as she transitions into her old life while the new remains difficult to grasp. The world stares at the anomaly—their new-found closeness. Odd looks are cast, and mockery comes in the form of whistles and a twisted look in their eyes. She’s so painfully aware of it all, while he wears an oblivious grin as they walk together. He takes casual drags of his cigarette, finding himself carefree and unbothered by their surroundings. He pauses just before the doors, expecting the girl to stop just at his side as if he’s confessed the agreement he made with Hopper. But she continues on, already prying the door back so she may step through, and it sends him into a momentary panic. “Woah, woah!” The cigarette is stomped out, and he’s trailing after her like a lost puppy, a nervous chuckle rumbling in his chest. “Slow down, yeesh.” Autumn gives him a confused yet playful look—not truly understanding his need to be at her side, even now after he’s spilled his guts. Was it loneliness? No longer having a girlfriend to cozy up with or a boisterous group of toxic teens to distract from the ache. She’s not entirely used to it yet, and somehow it feels like she’s letting him tag along. Not that he’s acting as a shield against the ones seeking to hurt her.

She’s on autopilot once she’s at her locker, moving down the halls while Steve rambles on about what it’s been like since coming back. How he tries to put his all into the work but can’t help the feeling of something more important happening. “It’s just crazy, right? I mean, what are we even working for?” She can’t form the words as quickly as he needs, her lips pursed as she thinks it all over before he chimes in again. “There’s some weird, alien shit going on out there, and they want us t’learn about math.” He doesn’t notice the slowing of her pace, not realizing that the girl's focus has wandered elsewhere. “When am I ever going t’use calcu-?” He’s forced to come to a stop as his body collides with her back, and a rushed “Oh, shit, sorry" fumbles out of his mouth. But she doesn’t seem to hear him; her eyes are zeroed in on Jonathan’s locker, and the prints taped to the surface.

She finds Will’s face in black ink, his eyes bright and lively. The picture had been taken sometime before his disappearance, and the article was printed just after as the town began its search for the young boy. A red marker scribbles across his face, “Zombie,” and she can barely stomach the sight. It’s clear he hasn’t been back to this place, not yet drowning in their cruelty. Anger fuels the girl, storming across the remaining space for tense fingers to rip at the papers, shredding and bundling it all up for the nearby trash. “Assholes,” she mutters. “They’ll find anything t’talk about,” Steve tries to reassure, his body slumped against a locker door. “He’s just a boy. A boy, Steve.” There’s a look of guilt again—his eyes unable to meet her own as he works through a long list of mistakes, including the ones where he dragged the boy's name through the mud. “I know,” he says with a heavy sigh. His body pushes from the surface, following after her without thought—too lost in his own world and ignorant of the questioning looks cast over her shoulder. Until she stops, and then he gives her a quizzical look. "What is i-?" "Your class isn't this way," she states rather simply, watching as his eyes light up with something familiar. Guilt and being caught red-handed. “Right! Yeah, I-” Words fail the boy, his gaze drifting away to avoid her stare that digs deep, pulling at the roots of his lies. Her arms are crossed, waiting in anticipation for an explanation, and it leaves him to sigh dramatically. “Okay,” he begins, heat rising to his cheeks. “We’re good, yeah? I-I mean, not good, but just-” He’s panicking again. Just a boy standing before a superhuman he’s known forever, trying to steer clear of stepping on her toes—or her heart—as he mends the broken bonds. “We’re working on things, right?” He can see the confusion in her eyes, head tilted as if waiting for the punchline. “I don't—I don’t want t’start things off with a lie.” Steve can hear the scoff in her throat before he’s even confessed, picturing her storming down the hall with anger scattered across the floor, unsure of who to be more annoyed with. “Hopper… He sort of asked me t’watch over you.”

He anticipates her actions, bracing for the impact of her frustration, but it never comes. Her focus is wandering, far away in thought, with a response just on her tongue but hesitant. “Oh,” is all she manages to say. “But I want t’be here,” he reassures. “I wouldn’t have gone out t’the cabin if I didn’t want to. I wouldn’t have said ‘yes’ if I didn’t want to. He just—we,” he corrects. “We want t’make sure nothing happens t’you.” Autumn remains quiet, drinking all he’s said without a hint of dishonesty. This new and old relationship sparks like a fire to dry wood. Fast and without warning. “Thanks,” she replies with a gentle smile, popping through the boy's guarded veil to survive a strike that never came. “Y-you’re welcome,” Steve stutters in surprise. “So, what? Are you switching your classes around now?” “No! No, God. I’m not going t’go all stalker on you,” he defends with a cry. Cheeks now red from embarrassment, watching as she laughs at his panic. “Well, I doubt anyone is going to try t’kidnap me in the middle of class.” She takes a step back, away from him. Autumn tests the waters to see if he follows, and he remains firmly planted, though worry lingers in his eye. “Can I still take you home?”

Home.

The word bears venomous fangs that bury deep into the girl's chest, poisoning and sending waves of shock from the pain it brings. Did she truly have a home? All she had known was stripped from beneath her, destroyed, and with no purpose to come back to. No family to call her name in longing. She had a roof over her head and protection from Hopper—just a man doing his best in a shitty situation. Autumn was truly displaced, and the word holds nothing but emptiness. Steve seems to see her struggle, offering a look of sympathy just before he tries to patch up the open wound, but she cuts him off. “I’ll meet you at the doors,” and then she’s gone—lost in the scattered bodies as they all scrambled for doorways to begin another day of learning. It’s all she can think about for the hours spent in lectures. Her notebook lays out, barren of any scribbles for some upcoming test after the holidays. She thinks of that, too, and it leaves her feeling nauseous—unable to stomach the casual talk amongst students as they reveal what they are doing with family once the school bell dismisses them all for a break. At least once for every class, she gives an excuse and races off for the bathroom for a few moments to herself. Hopper had mentioned it in passing—the holidays. Tiptoed around the subject about what his work was doing for the event while stealing glances at her for a reaction. She held none, her nose buried in a book, with a hum of acknowledgment in her throat. “Wouldn’t be so bad,” he says. “Could livin’ the place up a bit.” “Yup,” she replies with a sigh, wanting to push through the conversation and not linger on the things she no longer had.

Cold water splashes against her skin, her torso bent over the sink of the girl's bathroom. She had barged in, startling two other girls hiding out from class and smoking a joint. Her presence is enough to leave them unsettled and on edge, now being seen breaking the school code. The weed is doused beneath the tap, and they run from the room; their anxious words are heard through the hall as they make a break for it. She’s on her own now. Her bag hung heavy as she hoisted herself up by the rim of porcelain. Her reflection is drained and desperate for this wave of stress to pass—to settle and find peace wherever that may be now. She thinks of her father and the lessons taught—the control she gained, though now far out of her grasp. For a moment, she's left wondering about the words once carved through the fog of a mirror. Their messages are all a haze now, but questioning if anything had been a warning. Spirits seeing far into the unknown and breaking through just to provide clarity and guidance. It’s a stupid thought—even worse, to act upon curiosity. Hot breath blows along the glass, a single finger raised to scrawl a question to the universe before a single swipe erases it all. “Stupid.” Her skin is dried, and she’s on the move again, oblivious to the way the lights at her back begin to flicker with life.

Or is it death?

The door swings open, and she’s met with something unsettling and, unfortunately, familiar. The lights have dimmed, if not gone out entirely, leaving only the natural light to creep in through the small windows. But it’s not of sunlight but rather strikes of lighting from a blood-red storm. It ignites the broken tiles at her feet, and the lockers are now ripped open and crushed by a powerful force. Sickly vines had broken through the earth, consuming all inside the school, and perhaps that was the only reason it still stood as it stitched wounds back together. She had been here before, and the fear was all the same. A shuddered gasp fills her lungs, finding her knees weakened and unable to move further than the threshold. But she calls out, despite the risk of something unholy charging through walls for petrified flesh. “Hello?” The girl lingers in anticipation of a sign of life, but nothing comes. Not the shift of a shadow or a rumble in the foundation—it's silent, and she chooses to step out from her place. Was it another fainting spell that cast her out into such a deadly world? Head cracked against the floor with no one to know until the bell for lunch rang. If it’s all just a nightmare, how does she feel the cold air prick at her skin? How can she hear the sounds of crushed debris beneath every step? The Upside Down creeps into reality—or rather, she’s stumbled into it by pure accident. She knows it’s foolish to wander down the halls, peering in through the glass in hopes of another lost soul. Chairs have been weathered by toxins in the air, and desks toppled and were constricted as the vines pulled them deep into the open earth. She’s truly alone here, or so she believes. Something falls in the distance just at her back, earning a panicked twist of her spine as she looks for the mangled body of a monster to creep out from the shadows. Fear grips her chest, every breath forced as she feels herself slowly begin to shut down, backing away from the unseen creatures.

Her body collides with something firm; the shock alone catapults her forward to take in the sight of something—or rather, someone not meant to be there. Someone who had been long gone yet was always near in her mind. A haunting presence. He towers above her, perfectly kept and a beacon in all of the devastation surrounding them. He wears that same smile he once dared to give her as she cowers against the wall of her home. Autumn nearly stumbles as she tries to put the space between them, pushing locked knees to carry her to safety, but he only advances. “No one can understand, can they?” The back of her heel meets a heavy vine, tripping back into the destruction of Hawkin’s High. There’s no Steve—no Hopper to pull her from this hallucination of hell. Books scatter from her bag, and her sweater tangles in the edges of broken pieces, ripped free and torn so that she can run from his grasp. Autumn can hardly see where she’s going—eyes glazed over with panic and following the map of hallways she’s memorized. She feels the man just at her back—fingers grasping at her neck to strangle the life out of her, pulling her deep down into unknown torture. “I understand,” his voice echoes in the girl's mind, following after her no matter how far she runs. “I can help you if you let me.” There’s a strike of lighting—blinding—just as she rounds the corner and feels herself connect with another force. Her body seems to act without thought; her palms are raised to his chest, and in a matter of seconds, he’s gone. The sound of something hard colliding with metal rattles in her ears.

“What the fuck?” The new scenery is slow to trickle in; the sound of crashing thunder is now replaced by laughter and gossiping teenagers as they witness her spiral. Autumn finds herself back in the halls she once left behind, students set free from their classes for a well-earned lunch break. It feels as though the world is watching her every movement, including the rageful eyes of a boy she had crashed into, his back now pressed to one of many lockers. All she seems to see in the sea of bodies are the icy blue eyes of her ghost, digging daggers through her flesh. She runs, and the boy calls out in disgust, “Freak!” The teen pushes through the crowd, some still ogling while others remain ignorant of the disruption. She can see him everywhere—in every reflection, in every glance in her direction. His words echo in the depths of her mind, paired with the cries of a child. It’s slowly consuming her whole; her heart rate spikes with fear as her surroundings blur together. She spills out of the double doors, hands frantic as they rip open her bag and begin the search for a familiar, deathly friend. There’s no carton to be found—not a single hint it had ever existed with crumbled tobacco at the bottom. The bag falls from her grip, suddenly too heavy to carry as her torso bends forward for her hands to rest on bent knees. It feels as though she’s fighting for air—for survival. Fingers tangled in the fabric of her top and pulled to give room for more air, but it’s wasted energy. No relief comes as quickly as she needs it, forcing her to ride out the overwhelming dread until her mind buzzes with static—with emptiness. Her throat is dry, and the world is still a haze. She finds a swaying figure far off in the distance at the bleachers.

It was Nancy.

It's not what she expected. Someone so highly thought of—popular, even—out beneath a sunless sky on her own. Not even a freckled boy is seen out in the field, making peace with their separation as they make casual conversation. Autumn’s stare lingers, waiting for her heart to settle and find a place of rest. The girl doesn’t budge from her place to seek shelter inside the cafeteria, and the teen can’t help but wonder. She steals a glance just over her shoulder, checking that she is truly safe and that his haunting image has faded. There was no suspicious car in sight out in the distance. With the world now steady, she takes a bold step out into the open, her eyes flickering every way to see if she has been followed. The blue-eyed girl seems oblivious to the presence creeping up on her back, lost in her troubled thoughts of what she had lost. There’s a sniffle, and it’s enough to cause concern as Autumn stands just out of sight. “Nancy?” The girl whips around in her direction, clearly startled and now embarrassed, scrambling to pick up the pieces of vulnerability. “Oh,” she wipes at her tearful eyes, pushing them all back down to hold a weak and forced smile. "Hi." Her voice is soft and broken. The pain is enough to reach through and clutch at her own heart. “I didn’t mean t-” “No, no,” she interrupts, her smile now warmer than seconds before as she looks down at her company. “It’s fine, really.” Autumn can feel the way her eyes take in the sight—a girl with a natural gift of absorbing every small detail and deconstructing it. There’s tension in her shoulders—fingers wound tight around the strap of her bag, the other coiling into a fist before flexing out on repeat. “You skippin’ lunch?” She asks, disguising the clear stress the pair was enduring. “Unintentionally,” Autumn laughs, her body slowly easing into a state of calm. Her new friend pats at the chilled metal seat, making a silent offer to come join her, which she does without hesitation. Neither of the girls speak for a moment, basking in the stillness of November and watching as a few boys spill out from the back doors, lit cigarettes in hand. Autumn can’t help but desire the poison—damn near wanting to risk it all by asking them for one—but Nancy holds her steady.

“Thanksgiving break starts tomorrow,” she states, a look of disbelief in her expression. Autumn simply acknowledges her with a hum, watching the way the girl picks at her nails in distress. “Kind of bullshit, isn’t it?” She looks to the other for her thoughts, but Autumn waits in silence, watching as crystal blues fill with sorrow once more, before shaking away the hurt. “We’re just… Expected t’go back t’normal. Like nothing’s happened. Like Barb isn’t gone. Her parents still—they just—" Frustration chokes out her words, palms running down her thighs before the weight of her burdens becomes too much to carry. Her forehead rests in parted hands, willing the pain away before it steals away her own life. Autumn doesn’t know the girl the way others do—not on a deeper level, the way Steve would, as he comforts her with ease. Not the way Barb would. “When I thought Will was gone,” she begins, feeling almost uncomfortable putting in her voice where it may not be needed or welcomed. “I hated everyone. I-I thought, ‘How is this possible?’ How could the world just move on? But they do, and we have t’catch up." A hard sigh spills from her chest, her thoughts lost in the chaos that has been her life—and the forced adjustments made when she wasn’t ready but pushed through to survive. "But when we’re ready.” Nancy’s hands have fallen to lie between parted knees, a far-off look in her eyes with tears now dried up. “S’not fair.” “I know, it’s not.” The girl at her side takes a long inhale, drinking in the cold to douse the fires that run rampant within. The anger and sorrow simmered into nothing so she could walk with her head held high. She straightens her posture, meeting Autumn’s eyeline, and a crooked smile is seen as she offers her gratitude. “Thank you for being here.”