#i mean im not proud of it but knowing the way that i am that. explains a lot
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my favourite colour | LN4
Lando Norris x Mercdriver!fem!reader
summary: You turn indigo but..indigo is still quite liked and pretty
masterlist | previous
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landonorris
liked by yn, pierregasly and 729.547 others
landonorris reminder: donât play golf with yn, she will even beat carlos
yn đ€đ
carlossainz yeah, at least i got ahead of you
landonorris yeah yeah
pierregasly thatâs not so hard đđŹ
landonorris blocked.
user didnât know she was that good with them
user of course she is, theyâre friends lol
user love how close they are
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yn
liked by kimiantonelli, maxfewtrell and 925.636 others
yn he didnât get the hint, did he?
kellypiquet but you fell asleep holding his hand..
yn kelly. I am not coming to girls night.
kikagomez EXCUSE ME??
lilymhe now that is unfair
lilyzhneimer :((
yn alright, iâm coming for lils
lilyzhneimer :)))
yn my god, just like oscar
oscarpiastri:))
user oscar lily are the best couple
user heâs trying tho
user omggggggg
user is this a soft launch??
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yn
liked by kimiantonelli, landonorris and 957.538 others
yn maiden win + 1-2 podium. What else would we want?? đ„č
kimiantonelli best scenario for today đ€
yn iâm so proud of you đ
kimiantonelli đ€
olliebearman WOHOOO đđ
mercedesamgf1 is anyone cutting onions đ„č
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kimiantonelli
liked by lewishamilton, landonorris and 1m others
kimiantonelli the masterminds, the executors and the results
oliliebearman Id like to say we did great
lewishamilton you didnât stick to the plan
charlesleclerc careful, before they parenttrap you with you know who
lewishamilton Niki tried that, didnât work
user omg, that is yn
user does anyone recognise the car??
user itâs hers :/
user ohhhhh
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yn
liked by landonorris, kimiantonelli and 937.648 others
yn đ€
comments have been disabled
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729.739 likes
f1updates yn yln and Lando norris have been spotted around Italy together looking cozy đđ
user WHAT
user i mean, as long as sheâs happy
user The flowers in her last post, him saying indigo is his favourite colour đ„č He really tried everything to bring the spark that lewis took back
user Wait..bringing them together was lewis and Charles idea, right?
user seems like it
user lewis isnât blind. He knows her well and knew what it would do to her when he left
user yeah, and kimi loves her too so he obviously helped. And ollie either listened to his dad (char) or just followed kimi
pierregasly this is how i find out? pff
carlossainz you and me both
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yn and landonorris
liked by lewishamilton, kimiantonelli and 2m others
yn and landonorris even the dark with you feels like the brightest day đ€
lewishamilton đ
kimiantonelli as long as you stay loyal to mercedes and donât put that orange stuff on
landonorris *papaya
yn so..
mercedesamgf1 YOURE CHEATING???
yn im sorry you had to find out this way đ
mercedesamgf1 đ
charlesleclerc took you long enough to realise he liked you MORE THAN A FRIEND
yn oops
nicorosberg đ€
*comments under this post have been limited*
a/n im sorry this feels so rushed idk man.. I hope you still like it somehow :)
#formula one imagine#lewis hamilton x reader#lando norris fluff#lando norris imagine#lando norris social media au
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I love you, Iâm sorry
A letter from reader to Rafe
Content: Angst, like PURE sad, the lamp looks weird, based on the song I love you, Iâm sorry by Gracie Abrams (may or may not be accurate)
A/N: about that cliffhanger and happy ending, I changed my mind⊠also ignore any writing mistakes if thereâs any and this was kinda rushed so I hope it still turns out good
Masterlist
dividers from @anitalenia
Rafe,
It is Saturday night. I should be out doing something, partying or whatever to enjoy myself, yet here i am, pen in hand, finding myself writing to you again. I know this letter will never reach you- itâll end up crumpled at the bottom of my drawer or burned to ashes. Still, I canât seem to stop myself.
It has been exactly two august ago since everything fell apart. I remember the way I laid it all out, raw, I wanted to be real, hoping that honesty would mend us. We werenât perfect. Hell, we were far from it. We fought like fire and gasoline, burning everything we touched. Jealousy leads us to mistrust each other but even then, I didnât think it would end the way it did. I never thought that fight would be the last..the final, devastating blow before you ghosted me and blocked me everywhere.
I swear it wasnât my intention to break up with you, I thought by exposing the cracks, we could patch them together. Instead, the truth just ended up pushing you away. When you drove off in your Benz and left me standing at my gate, it felt like everything had stopped. The time, the world, my heartâŠeverything froze. I couldnât breathe. I wanted to scream, I wanted to stop you, beg you to stay, to tell you that we could still save us but you didnât look back, and i was too late.
Now, i watch you from a distance as you become successful, helping your dad doing business, running Cameronâs development like you were born to do it. I heard your name whispered in admiration at the club where I work, how you charm people the way you trained for. And you know what? Iâm so so proud of you Rafe. I always knew you had it in you. Iâll be rooting for you always, even from the shadows.
Maybe two summers from now weâll be talking again at some point, exchange smiles, our lives untangled and weâre cool again. I can picture youâll be in your familyâs jet, travelling, and me, on my boat moving on with our own lives. By then, i hope..im actually ready to move on. I know youâve already moved on- I mean, why wouldnât you? Still, thereâs part of me wish that you wouldnât yet, and maybe, just maybe, you would take me back.
But thatâs just selfish isnât it? I was selfish when we were together too. I made everything about me, i was inconsiderate, I turn something small into raging battles. I didnât listen, didnât see you for who you were. Iâm ashamed of the person I was, of the mistakes I made. After everything i did, Iâm surprised you havenât send someone to kill me yet.
Lately I find myself sitting on the porch, watching sunsets like we used to, with a glass of something strong in my hand. I laugh at myself, at the crash I made, because what else can I do? Itâs a twisted kind of copingâlaughing at my own heartbreak. It doesnât feel real and itâs really hard to let go but i guess thatâs just the way life goes.
I know i was a dick, Rafe. I had too many flaws to count but as sick as it sounds, I loved you first. Youâll always be my first love. You were the best and the worst thing that ever happened to me, a storm that left me shattered but alive. Your love had impact me deeply, it is carved in my soul. No matter where we are, i want you to know that Iâll carry the past and the weight of my mistakes with me. Trust me, it will always, haunt me.
I regret every second for not treating you well, for not being the person you needed. Lastly, i want you to know that I still, truly, deeply, love you, Iâm sorry.
*Ding* you heard the bell rings. You rush downstairs to answer the door.
âPizza deliveryâ, says the delivery boy standing in front of you. You almost forgot you ordered one, an hour ago. You take your prepaid alfredo chicken pizza and thank him. It was Rafeâs favourite pizza, youâre not sure if itâs still his favourite though. After shutting the door, you walk to your kitchen.
Just two seconds later, *ding* the bell rings again. Did the delivery boy forget anything? You thought.
You open the door, âyes-â you pause. You couldnât believe it, standing right in front of you,
âTopper?â
âTopper what are you doing here?â you ask, your voice laced with confusion.
He then steps aside and reveals a man behind him, lying on the steps of your porch- a man whose silhouette youâd recognize anywhere. âRafe,â you whisper.
âShit Iâm sorry to bother you but this dumbass got into an accident for driving while heâs high,â Topper blurts out, panickly.
Your brow furrowing and your confusion deepens. You walk closer to Rafe and spot the blood dripping from his head, âAccident? What? Then why do you bring him here instead of the hospital?â You ask, your voice sharp, slicing through the chaos of the moment.
âHe wonât let me. He insisted I bring him here to see you,â Topper explains.
âY/n,â Rafe speaks up, his voice low and strained.
Your heart skips a beat. Itâs like the universe has stopped spinning again. This is the first time you hear him calling your name after two whole years.
âHey Rafe, youâre bleeding,â you say, your voice mix with feelings.
âIâm fine,â he says, giving a soft, disarming smile while trying to sit up.
You instruct Topper to go find some cloth to stop the bleeding. As he dissapears, you sit on your knees facing to Rafe, âRafe, what happened? Why are you here?â you ask, still have no clue of whatâs going on here.
âI wanted to see you,â he replies, putting on that damn smile again, the one thatâs always managed to unravel you. âI miss you, y/n.â
Your face goes pale, your eyes widens, the words hang in the hair, heavy and unexpected. âRafe, youâre drunk,â you accuse, trying to make sense of whatâs happening right now.
âNo, Iâm not, i swear Iâm very conscious right now,â he insists, his voice firm. Youâre still not sure if heâs telling the truth or not. âI really miss you, y/n,â he continues, his voice low but still clear for you to hear it.
Your heart aches, torn between disbelief and the undeniable pull of his words. âHow hard did you hit your head? God, youâre still bleeding. We need to see a doctor,â you say, trying to stand up, but he grabs your hand, pulling you back down.
âStop it, Iâm fine i swearâŠthis is nothing,â he says waving off the concern. Just then, Topper returns with a towel in his hand. He hands the towel to you and says, âdude, are you sure youâre okay? When i saw your car there were smokes everywhere. Looks like you hit that tree pretty hard,â his voice fill with concern.
âIâm fine Top, just go. I need to talk to y/n,â Rafe says with a dismissive wave. Topper hesitates, he looks at you for confirmation as if youâre the one in charge here. You nod at him, signalling an approval, âsâokay Top i can handle this.â
âOkay, just call me if anything happens,â he says. âThank you,â you mutter softly to Topper as heâs leaving towards his car.
With Topper gone, you shift your focus back to Rafe. You take the towel and start dabbing on the blood on his forehead, âwe still need to get this stitched up,â you say. Rafe then grabs your wrist, his grip firm but not forceful, âlook at me,â he demands.
You look at him straight in the eyes, drowning in his blue eyes. Itâs overwhelming- staring at the man that you love but no longer yours.
âI do mean what i said, i miss you y/n and i wanted to see you,â he says, his tone steady and sure.
âBut why now?â You ask, your voice breaking under the weight of the question.
âSar..Sarah told me tonight that youâve been writing letters about me. She found them stashed under your bed,â he says, hesitantly.
Your stomach drops and you shake your head in disbelief, âGodâŠi knew it there was something wrong. She was acting so weird when she left this morning,â you mutter.
âSo itâs true? Youâve been writing about me?â
Your face is turning red, youâre struggling to find the words. âI- yesâŠIâve been writing letters. Pretending like Iâm gonna send it to you but i never do,â you stutter.
âWhy didnât you just send them?â He presses, his voice low, almost pleading.
âYou know why RafeâŠyouâve moved on. You blocked me few months after we broke up. Youâre thriving now with your job, you got your whole life together, and I- I was the reason why we broke up. I canât just crawl my way back into your life like nothing happened,â you shatter, your voice breaking as youâre struggling to control your tears.
Rafe shakes his head. He brushes his thumb over your knuckles and kisses it. âYouâre wrong y/n, youâre absolutely wrong. Iâve been doing nothing over the past two years except than trying to forget about you. Thatâs why Iâve been doing all these jobs, thinking it could distract me, but no,â he shakes his head again. âNothing could make me stop thinking about you.â
His confession leaves you breathless, your tears streaming down your face as he continues. âAbout the blocking and disappearing, Iâm really sorry, I was a coward. The truth is, that day i came to your house to apologize. Then, as I stood outside, i saw you were laughing with jj through your window. I knew you guys were not together cause after jj left, I may or may not have confronted himâŠâ he then mouthed sorry. âBut then, I remember the way you looked so happy when youâre with him. At that time, I knew I had to let you go cause you deserve someone better and you deserve to be happy so thatâs why I blocked you..as if that makes any difference.â
You idiot,â you scoff. âI never wanted anyone else, only you Rafe, only you. Youâre the only one who could truly make me happy.â
His eyes glisten, his smile soft and hesitant. âPlease forgive me y/n, I swear Iâm a better person now and I love- I love you, so much. I still do.â
You reach up, caress his cheek and pull him in for a kiss. âI love you too Rafe,â you whisper. He cups your face and returns the kiss. The kiss is passionate, slow and tender. His lip is so soft and only god knows how much you miss this. The world fades around you, leaving only the two of you, two broken pieces finding their way back to each other.
You pull away from his face and let out a giggle. âWhy are you laughing?â He asks, canât help but let out a soft giggle too.
âBefore you came I was actually writing another letter for you,â you admit, a shy smile appears on your face.
âOh really? Tell me about it baby,â he smirks. Your smile widens at the sound of the nickname that rolls out from his mouth. âMm I miss that. You, calling me baby. Anyways, itâs in my room, wanna come in?â You ask.
He shakes his head, pulling you closer as he leans back against the stairs railing. âHmm in a bit sweetheart, you can tell me here while we stargaze. I missed your porch- and mostly you, of course,â he replies with a faint smile.
So you do. You talk to him about the letter while your head rest on his shoulder and your fingers intertwined. âLastly I wrote, I love you, Iâm sorry,â you say, explaining the last content of the letter. But then, you realise he has gone quiet. His stillness unsettling. You glance up to him, âRafe?â Heâs not responding. You check his pulse but there is none. Panic sets in as you shake him, calling his name.
âRafeâ
âRafe, wake upâ
âWake up!â
âWake up!â
âY/nâ
âY/nâ
âY/n, wake upâ
You gasp, your heart is pounding like a drum. Youâre sweating all over your body as reality crashes down. It was a nightmare.
âHey..baby you okay?â You turn your head to your right and realise itâs Rafe. Heâs okay, heâs alive and heâs sitting on the bed next to you. Relief floods through you like a tidal wave.
âIs it the nightmare again?â He asks. You nod, signalling him that heâs right.
âItâs okay baby I got you. Here, come back to sleep,â he says, gently pulling you into his arms. You smile and cuddle him, clinging to the illusion of safety his embrace provides. You close your eyes again trying to fall back to sleep till your alarm suddenly rings.
You wake up with a tear running down your cheek. You hit the snooze button and realise that was a dream and this time, itâs the true reality. You look to the other side of your bed, itâs empty. It always has been for quite a while now. The truth is, that night after Rafe collapsed, you called for an ambulance. On the way to the hospital, they try everything to make his heart beat again, but nothing works. It was too late. He had lost too many blood before that you werenât aware of and that same night, Rafe had died in your arms.
Itâs been 3 years since the tragic. You keep having the same dream almost every night. Part of you is grateful that you and Rafe had ended in good terms but another part of you knows that the truth is youâll never get the chance to redeem yourself and be a better partner. Thereâs nothing remaining other than the memories that will haunt you forever.
Rafe, if youâre hearing this, I love you, Iâm sorry.
Like and reblog if you want to kys after reading thisđâșïž
#drew starkey#obx#rafe cameron#rafe fanfiction#rafe outer banks#rafe cameron x reader#rafe obx#outer banks#outer banks rafe#rafe imagine#rafe angst#angst#angst with a sad ending#rafe x you#rafe x reader#rafe fic#Spotify
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Positively mind-blowing!! â€ïžâđ„đ€Żâ€ïžâđ„
[[đâ€ïžâđ„Click for higher quality! Tag list as well as the initial sketch will be under the cut. All reblogs are seen and appreciated!! â€ïžâđ„đ]]
@absentmoon @ava-ships @bee-ships @beetleboyfriend @berryshipbasket @canongf @cloudyvoid @derelictdumbass @dissonantyote @edencantstopfallininlove @final-catboy @flabbergasting @gible-love-nibles @flowering-darkness @hirayarts @hoppinkiss @hotrodharts @hyperionshipping @iwishihadfangs @iyamifucker @judetama-moved @lex-n-weegie @lficanthaveloveiwantpower @little-miss-selfships @little-shiny-sharpies @loogi-selfships @mandrakebrew @mintpecks @mothfinite @mrs-kelly @nameless-self-ships @nerdstreak @orbitingaroundyourlove @paper-carnation @p-i-t-s @qilinkisser @reds-self-ships @rexscanonwife @rotten--cotton @spacestationstorybook @squips-ship @ship-trek @toogayforthistoday @winterworlds
#tbh i like the sketch and lined version equally so you get both!! :3#i dont know if im 100% happy with the final result BUT. this is the first time ive lined something in this way#i mean like playing with line thickness like this. and even if its not exactly what i wanted i am still proud of myself!#i know future endeavors will be even better! :3#ok last thing and then the organizing tags but i looooove the idea of his fur bristling up when he's flustered đ„șđđ„șđđ„șđđ„șđ#there's no other way i coulda drawn that any other way!!! its so cuuuuute đ„șđđ„șđđ„șđđ„șđđ„șđ#anyway enjoy teehee! >w< every new art piece i make i teach myself more about lining!! so exciting! đđđđđđ#my art#đ: loving you's a felony#đđ§Ź: emotional processing lag#self shipping#oc x canon#self ship community#self ship#fictional other#mojo jojo
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"Victory belongs to the most persevering" - Nandopoleon Alonsoparte
+ First Consul Nandopoleon
Wow look I finally drew him properly! This was like the 2nd or so AU I've ever made, but honestly I feel so strongly about it that it's really intimidating to try and make a satisfying explanation post for it. I want it to be perfect ah. But I will one day! Maybe a web weave or smth in the meantime. But I digress. Napoleon Bonaparte = Fernando Alonso, please contact @/skitskatdacat63 for details.
In this painting I drew the uniform Napoleon wore during the Italian campaign in the 1790s, bcs I think it's so pretty, and not just the typical Napoleon outfit everyone knows(tho dw I'm in love with that one too.)
Though I will say, it was a bit weird drawing Fernando in navy blue(is this a sign for 2025?), so I had to draw him in the bright red First Consul uniform, to return some order to the world y'know
I ended up picking "victory belongs to the most persevering" as the Napoleon quote to use, but that was really hard to pick tbh. I literally have a whole folder of Napoleon quotes that remind me of Fernando LOL. Some others, to give you an idea:
"Glory is fleeting, but obscurity is forever."
"From triumph to downfall, there is but one step."
"Morality has nothing to do with such a man as I am."
"It requires more courage to suffer than to die."
Etc etc., again: I have a folder ;;;
I don't think this drawing was nearly as complicated as the Seb one, but for some reason it made me suffer more. I think you just get into this really intense mindset after drawing smth super detailed, and it's very frustrating. But I like it! His face was very confusing to me(the angle of the eyes), and then it randomly hit me how to draw it so that was cool. Look at him face :) handsome boy
Also here's the process! I think I'm gonna try and draw something each weekend as a gift to myself after the school week(if I have actual ideas for it lol)
#lmao i think ive only talked in depth abt this au to two people?#well and harassing my parents with the parallel reasoning#i talked abt it in the read more but yeah ah this is extremely important to me#like just crucial characterization and historical implications and all that#so its smth i really hesitate to make a lore type post bcs it will never be perfect enough for me LOL#(i wanna read more actual napoleon literature to have better basis tbh)#i mean ask me if you have any questions cause i do see that this looks a bit crazy on the outside djfkkglv#actually the funniest part i will mention is that the napoleon tumblr fandom and our fernando fandom ARE SO SIMILAR#<- cofi knows. cofi understands. they literally talk abt him the exact same way we talk about fernando. its sooooo fun#cut from the same cloth and all that. but god i hope they never see this ill die im just a observer#f1#formula 1#fernando alonso#nandopoleon alonsoparte#<- yes i am extremely proud of that#catie.art.#fa14
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unnerving to see people younger than me living their lives and doing adult stuff successfully. stop that you're supposed to eat ice cream for dinner and be unemployed
#stop making me look bad by having a husband and a baby rn you're 22 fr đ#tho i do have two friends who got married at 18 and 21 and actually i look good compared to them bc everyone they know was like stoppppp#they dated for ike 4 months before getting engaged lmao#but some people who got married young are actually doing okay and normal and that makes me look bad lol#not necessarily always abt marriage tho#people younger than me with an actual career or grown up job make me feel this way also#anyway#every day im living a life indistinguishable from when i was a teenager and many people my age are already parents with mortgages and such#đđđ#anyway i spent my grown up job money on some flowers and now i have no job bc i let my mean supervisor bully me into quitting#i also spent grown up job money on an oven (successfully) and a car (unsuccessfully)#i am rlly just out here.... telletubby with a credit card fr#job just give you money and you can spend it on whatever you want (but watch out)#anyway car was a piece of garbage that couldn't pass inspection đ#was so proud of myself paying cash for my first car but there's a reason it was that cheap lmao
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So I gave in and done it - Drew my Minecraft sona / skin, Larimar with Cathal since the two have some design similarities both being CRT TV inspired TV head robots... Let's just say yeah, there's perhaps a few reasons why I got so attached to Cathal like this, yeah?
#toontown#toontown corporate clash#minecraft#oc art#cathalposting#multislacker#guz art#doodles#u know ive gotten confident when i post even my goofy stuff on the main tag.... lets hope that doesnt get to my head now before i force#myself back into hidey hide again. but hey means im generally having a good time here but i miss my hidden feel a bit . i gotta be less#normaler#mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm i ame having secound thoughts but eh screw it.. main tag it is#rips fur out#RAH !#'coz my art been getting quite a bit of traction lately and i rlly dont want it gettin into my head bc its not been stressing me out for#once but with this other problems can arise whoops i mean . ... flashbacks to my bugsnax era#ERM YEAH THAT#GGrrh.... ive been so proud of the art ive been doing lately so i wanna main tag it but i just kinda.....#wish to keep it low again......... have da same feelie feel yknow#i have an interesting way of talking here i just realized. its ok it adds to my swag . ok ramble over *drops mic* *struts out* *stumbles#over and falls on my face* *dies on impact*#i maye remove hte tags later but who Knows
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bad astrology by flower face
#yellowjackets#jackieshauna#ITS DONE OMG ITS FINISHED#what do I do now. with my life (ranking)#also ive decided i am gonna do literary analysis. on all of em#literally i have NO idea if anyone cares. well. i do bc I care and tbh that's enough to me#<- guys look im living so healthy#anyways this was a blast#hope somebody has at least discovered flower face trhu me bc its one of my fav artists#mitos incredible life#mine art tag#also im sorry the like long scenes 3 and 4 arent on beat :/ i love that song but it has so long instrumental stuff and idk what to do there#ALSO!! i had it all planned out like at least half in my docs (like always)#and then in the middle i was like 'omg what if I only show jackie-after-the-argument and shauna-after-jackies-dead'#(excluding the argument and the flashbacks (they used to hear us thru the floor))#which was. restricting. very much#also meaning was changed (originally wanted jackie to have the line 'idc if ure not made for me' but the only scene i could think of was th#ure hungry for and that was the next scene already so.)#anyways this was originally gonna be lottienat before i started with The Shark In Your Water#bc I thiught it fit them SO well. (still do) but now I like have to get away from the jackieshauna thought and then ill do the lottienat#probably#omg also I want everyone (who has read this far. whoever would do that) to know i was running on like 25 screen#recordings and 3 jackieshauna scene packs form yt#that's why. I dknt have that many clips alright im not using like 10 scenes over n over on purpose#gotta go but im gonna make a wrap post thingy once im back slay#no actually I get like average 7 notes (<- that's a lie Idk bc I didnt count) but im proud of myself this is amazing#ive wanted to do smth similiar alr#but it was some album by alec benjamin and a different thing for every song (like a poemâ a painting or a play)#but I lost motivation this is the first thing that i actually pulled though all the way I think#jackieshauna: The Shark In Your Water
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looking through my old messages is so traumatizing i want to go back in time and kick myself in the stomach like what possessed you...
#biggest âWHY WOULD YOU SAY THATâ moment in my life tbh#the only thing that didnt make me cringe is me calling my brother a âmayo snorting goblinâ#2020 me kinda ate that up#2021-2022 was def something tbh#i wore pink cat ears. i think thats all you need to know#ohh this is def going to keep my dumbass awake at night#ı was cringe but i was free and im proud of past me for that#it was one of my worst years but like... kick ass#<- by worst i mean mentally horrid in a way that changed me forever#speaking of 2021-2022.. my old chosen names were absolutely CRIMINAL#the first one was felony (which i still kinda dig but in a cunty way) the second one was ciel which i think is cool#but heres the bomb: one of my old chosen names was cereal. CEREAL#i think ted takes the cake tho. what evil soul possessed me to choose ted as a name#also constantine waa one of my old names which is actually fucking awesome#eıhjfjfjf i have a science exam tomorrow and im on tumblr infodumping about 2021 me uhhhf#i jumped through so many hoops to get to this blog#2020 somehow knew something transgender was going down and decided to get a haircut and boom. gender#DYSPHORIA THAT IS GET PRANKED LOSER#shout out to 2020 me for figuring out whats up#not sorry about the incoherent screaming. im autistic and i am full of violence
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um. tfw your life is about to change massively very very soon and it still doesn't even feel real yet and still feels like somethings gonna pop up and it won't actually happen and also you're scared as fuck that you're too stupid to actually do it and it'll all be for nothing
#like what do you mean full time salaried w benefits and paid vacation just to do. school.#what made you so enthusiastically think i was the perfect one to do this#when the last approx 20something other guys were like ummmm no you cannot do it#tbf like all that other shit up there aside#this did actually come at the perfect time#i look back on who i was during my masters and i legit do not recognize that person#i barely even remember it i have to look at pictures to think back on who i was#in a strange roundabout way being forced home to stay for a while#kind of re centered me and gave me time to come back to myself in a big way. i was really lost before#and chaining something like this directly after my masters would have been disasters#even like this time last year i did not have this level of mental clarity#and i think thats why i didn't get any of the other positions i was just in a fog and i think people could tell#so as much as like im super scared and nervous about this big change and big exit from my comfort zone#and a little sad and mournful that im leaving my family and wont hear my native language all day every day anymore#im the most ready ive ever been#2019 me was NOT ready im scared of her tbh!! idk what wave i was on but it was weirdo shit!#im also proud that i essentially rawdogged and brute forced a lot of introspection and improvement#entirely on my own#like i really can only just describe it as clarity i feel like i matured 10 years in 4 and cleared all the fog#i feel so good about the way i handle things and react to things now vs then#im like 500x more unbothered and actually know how to put myself first now#anyway uh this prob could have been its own post in and of itself#but woteva innit im proud of how much internal repairs i did on myself over the last few years#became a stable genius as it were#whos a lot more clearly defined and present#but fuck man! i am still scared of being 2stupid
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The Boston's Finest
FADE IN:
INT. BOSTON - DAY
In cassettes and broken tapes, there lie the cityscape of Boston with ambivalence no matter how distorted it may be. Every bouts of liberty and free spirited wanderings surged along the poster filled brick stone walls where the stifling humidity clouds the painted asphalt road. The Central Square neighborhood where shots of kaleidoscopes spread wide on the walls of Modica Way. The dewy petrichor from the cobblestones of Beacon Hill after the rain. The windowpanes in the porch reflect the teetering memories where life expands in the humble avenue. It is where the clip ends but the soul refuses to relent.
It was the 1980s and the world witnessed an uprising in the cinema industry where Die Hard (1988) and Rambo (1988) revolutionized discourse about on-screen violence, Flashdance (1983) and Purple Rain (1984) transformed the power of melodic storytelling, and David Lynch and the Coen Brothers reinforced the auteur theory of directive control. Before the glamour of the groundbreaking dawn of their careers, Hollywood stars Matt Damon and Ben Affleck once chased their shadows in the pavements with their faces smeared with dirt and splotches of heat in their linen shirts together. With their houses blocks apart from Auburn to Cottage Street, the two crossed paths in the latterâs residence while their mothers, Nancy Carlsson-Paige, an early childhood education professor, and Christopher Anne Boldt, who taught in public school, respectively had a wonderful chat. As they confront the tides of fame together with their youthful ardor, their relationship has become a cornerstone for defining a strong platonic bond, a losing art in the mainstream media, where Boston etched itself as their refuge both in conjoined grievances and relief.
CUT TO:
Title: The Warrior and the Clown
INT. CAMBRIDGE - DAY
One can say that the water holds memories for young Affleck who spent a great deal of his childhood under the fins of humpback whales and the dangers of rushing waves. He began his career as C.T. Grandville, the grandson of Captain Grandville, who was played by the scientist Peter Marston, in PBS educational series The Voyage of the Mimi (1984). For the grade schoolers watching, venturing into this journey was met with no trepidations as the show provided valuable information about the physical and biological processes of the planet. After the series ended, he went on to attend Cambridge Rindge and Latin School, where he would encounter Damon again (calling him Matty D.) since they became fast friends due to their shared interests for baseball and movies.
BEN (V.O.) I was 8, he was 10, he was a big kid, he played baseball, he was really cool, he had a bowl cutâthose little feathered ones that we all wanted, of courseâand heâ And he was, you know, nice to me. And we were both interested in the same things.
Having a tad advantage to his age, Damon showed a more mature and passionate outlook for acting, which gave Affleck the boost to take it seriously. This difference in intensity of the mutual linkage they have gave Affleck the affinity to put Damon in a pedestal, who embodied a total control in his limbs and motions the moment when he was possessed by the role he played. In both admiration to his craft and character, Damonâs words were like ancient knowledge to Affleck who looked up to someone whom he believed had a superior integrity in the art of acting than him.
BEN (V.O.) I would periodically go off and do a littleïżœïżœVoyage of the Mimi. So Matt was a little threatened by that. And when I got to the high school, he kind of pulled me aside. He said, âListen, man! All right? This is the theater. Itâs not about your looks, okay? Itâs about the work.â And I took that very seriously. I thought that I was hearing something real, like the words of wisdom from a guy who understood it.
Granted, it was not a bond fully realized, yet their childish vigor and innocent wonderment were already the first step of what was anticipated. However, what made their friendship soar in a vast degree was in the January of 1987 when the blade grasses crunched in every step as the soles of leather boots left myriads of trails on the coated pristine snow. A shift in dynamics which catapulted their connection into a newfound nature of commitment where it evolved from baseless competition towards the unequivocal dedication to be with each other in whatever shenanigans one might be.
CONAN (inquiring) I know that youâre from the Boston area as am I, and thereâs this reputation that like, Boston guys know how to fight. [âŠ] Did you ever get in any fights as a kid? MATT (reminiscing) Iâm like you, I really tried to avoid them because there are people in Boston who really do know how to fight and you know if youâre one of them or not. But the last fight I got into, who wouldâve been in the mid-80s, and I remember we had a snow day at school so we would all meet in the Cambridge Common and play tackle football because there would be a foot of snow on the ground and so you canât really get hurt. It was a really fun thing to do and I mouthed off a kid that I knew but he was like your height. He was six-foot six, right? And I might have been 5 (foot) 3 at the time. And I said someâI scorned on him or something, I donât knowâbut he came for me and it was like a mountain of a guy came at me and I was like, âOh, man.â So before I knew it, I was on the ground. He was above me and I was like, âThis is gonna be bad.â And it was right then that little five-foot two Ben Affleck tackled this dude off of me like out of nowhere. I was like a junior and he was like a freshman and he tackled this kid off of me, literally at the risk of his own life. Really quickly, everyone had [broken] it up because they wanted to get back to the football game. That was fun and this was ridiculous and that was the end of it. The kid was reasonable and he was, âGod, Iâm not fighting. Letâs play.â But I remember, that was like a big moment going like this guy, he will put himself in a really bad spot for me like, this is a good friend.
The proclaimed drama geeks dominated the corners of the schoolâs theatre department as they consistently turned themselves into a blank slate of a paper vessel where the letters to be imprinted on it gave birth to the soul of the character they portrayed. Once they return to existence after breathing differently through living many lives, they came back as different entities where all the emotions they played amounted to the hope of bringing it on a larger stage. Regardless of how they were perceived in the social circles within the school, they always remained to be thick as thieves for whatever context, which was enough for them.
BEN (V.O.) Iâve established that we were very nerdy and a little weird. We used to have "business lunches,â in what was called the Media Cafeteria, which at the time there was a big ESL portion of our public high schoolâit was like 2,600 kidsâand that was where the ESL kidsâ I donât know why that was where weâ We liked to be surrounded by people who spoke other languages. Iâm not sure what it was. Maybe we didnât want them to actually hear our business lunch, because no business was conducted. But we plotted things. We planned our careers.
The Cambridge Rindge and Latin School produced and adapted various stories which the department invested their efforts in. Some of the plays the school had in the time period where the two were involved were Guys and Dolls in the Summer '85 where Damon, still a freshman, played one of the gamblers, and The Visit in Fall-Winter '86 where Affleck, now a freshman, played a character as Damonâs son. Additionally, Damonâs âconfrontationâ with Affleck on how âacting is not about the looks, but the workâ happened in this time frame. Another plays they performed were Pippin in Summer '87 where Damon played the lead role and Affleck worked behind the scenes because his voice was not for the audience. And lastly, the Alice in Wonderland in Fall '89 where Affleck took the role of the Caterpillar.
MATT (taunting) Say, Ben, why don't you tell us about the time you played the caterpillar in Alice in Wonderland? BEN (gearing up for a cutting contest) Yup, I was the zany, hookah-smoking caterpillar. I chose to play the role wrapped in garbage bags held together by Scotch tape. Now, if I were to play that caterpillar today, I might do it another way. CASEY (commenting) It was an underrated performance. Those trash bags were a bold choice. BEN (retaliating) So, Matt, why don't you favor us with your version of Morning Glory from Pippin?
After their eventful years inseparably playing various roles in high school, the two would bid each other farewell as Damon decided to continue his education in Harvard University. When Affleck completed his last two years, he attended the University of Vermont because of his attachment in his high school girlfriend who was not even studying in the same university he was in. Nevertheless, the two never broke contact and remained close as ever.
BEN (V.O.) Matt was definitely more⊠of a kind of achiever. It was inconceivable to him that you wouldnât get an âAâ or do really well. So I did really well [in] my first two years in high school and then when Matt left, I would cut class and⊠get in all kinds of trouble.â
In retrospect, their escapades as children of theatre might earn them some cringe looks. However, their joint experiences watered the seeds of their dreams they planted themselves, as well as their friendship that helped it to germinate much quickly by always having each otherâs back. This was also the time where they made discoveries about themselves that sealed their brand as a person.
JIMMY (pulling out the picture) This is a photo, I think, you sent it to Matt just the other day just to go âHey! Remember these dudes?â Hereâs 17-year-old Matt and Ben in a photo booth. Look at this. BEN (laughing) Now, listen. Hard not to see that those guys are gonna make it. MATT (agreeing) Yeah, those guys clearly have âstarâ written all over them. JIMMY (amused) Thatâs awesome. MATT (pointing something out) You know, I think it was the matching puka necklaces that give it away. JIMMY (affirming) Best buddies. Thatâs BFFs right there. Come on. Thatâs BFFs for life.
CUT TO:
Title: The Crumbs on the Manuscript: Part 1
INT. UNITED STATES - DAY
It was a paradise for some, but a rabbit hole for those who only have their baggage, a couple of penny, and a dream. Done were the days where the two would cross the suburban homes in Somerville, roaming in the Assembly Square Mall where the big pictures were as avid moviegoers, and frolicking in the Harvard Square; it is the transitional period from their sentimental film reviewing antics to making appearances in wide screens, albeit a small one in their fresh start. This consisted of moving back and forth in different borders of United States for auditioning countless roles. Kevin Costner as Ray Kinsella in Field of Dreams (1989) recalled the remarkable enthusiasm of Damon and Affleck as two of the extras among the thousands in the movie. Even though they were one with the blurry heads and said that they only did it âto go to Fenway,â the sheer exhilaration of partaking in the film gave a lasting impression on what it was like to be in front of the camera.
KEVIN (remembering) They were sitting in the stands, like college guys, and they came up, and they both leaned in at the same time, leaned back at the same time, looked at each other at the same time as we talked. And they had this big enthusiasm. They were on fire. I do remember them, absolutely.
After three years of their first exposure from the said film, the two made their new appearances in School Ties (1992). This time, Damon played one of the antagonists against Brendan Fraser who played the lead role. On the flipside, Affleck played a smaller role as one of the bullies as well who performed violent acts to Fraserâs Jewish character.
BEN (remembering) I knew my nine lines back to front. I loved every day I was on a call sheet, every day I got to come to work. You were there, in Boston. It was one of the best experiences of my life. We literally were next to a dump and thought we were kings. I knew I was playing the one shitty antisemitic bully character, so I figured it was probably not going to be great for me career-wise, but I loved it.
Other films that contributed to their foundation in acting together were first, the college comedy Glory Daze (1995) where Affleck starred as the lead role named Jack, an art student who was driven by the post-college angst of the fleeting whiff of liberty before graduation, and Damon had a non-speaking role as one of Affleckâs former roommates. The other was Chasing Amy (1997), another lead role for Affleck who played Holden McNeil, the love-stricken comic book writer chasing his love of his life that turned out to be a lesbian. Damon had a cameo role and played as one of the executives who helped Affleckâs character pitch a business offer. The contrast in their perception of each otherâs fame was intriguing to behold as Affleck jokingly claimed that he and Kevin Smith, a well-known director and believer of the two, were riding the coattails of Damonâs larger stardom, whereas Damon was more laid back about himself and only âtriedâ to get in Affleckâs films with Smith. Both also revealed to auditioned for Dead Poets Society (1989) but failed to secure a role and worked in a local movie theatre.
BEN (humorously) I slept on Kevin's couch, and it was like, âYou got a buddy, this guy Matt, will he be in it?â And Matt was better known than I was. [Smith] was totally happy to exploit Mattâs stardom, for his own benefit, and so was I.
Most notably, the two disclosed the fact that they opened a joint bank account with âRiverPâ as the code based from River Phoenixâs rising influence in the film industry. Both Damon and Affleck set forth a new adventure in the incongruous lands of New York where they were repeatedly hustling in the bustling audition sites for various television roles, some Burger King commercials, and local voiceovers that were not documented thoroughly for public viewing. Both their devotion for acting far transcended from only achieving success to also making sure that they were part of each otherâs moments of triumph and lament.
MATT (V.O.) It was unusual, but we needed the money for auditions. BEN (V.O.) We were going to help each other and be there for each other. It was like, âYouâre not going to be alone. Iâm not going to be alone. Letâs go out there and do this together.â
Just like when they were two small naivetes discussing baseball mechanics on a bench of the local park, a candy bar from one will be shared willingly, cheerfully, obligingly with the other.
BEN (V.O.) If either of us needed money he could borrow it from the other. Neither one of us ended up taking. It was never one-sided. MATT (V.O.) If one kid had enough for a candy bar, then the candy bar was bought and split in halfâthatâs just the way itâs been.
That being said, the two will always be embedded in each otherâs life whether they recklessly wallow in the pools of Napa Valley wineries or they open a hotdog stall at the Dodger Games while tracing the stars through their sparkling squinting eyes.
BEN (V.O.) Matt and I had identical interests, so whether we ended up successful or making hot dogs at Dodgers games, we knew we'd end up doing the same sort of thing. The remaining friends part was pretty consistent. We saw each other all the time, we talked on the phone all the time.
CUT TO:
Title: The Crumbs on the Manuscript: Part 2
INT. LOS ANGELES - DAY
While spending his time in the halls of Harvard, Damon conceived an original story that was a waiting ticket for a momentous future. He requested a favor for Affleck to act out the scenes of this story with him in front of the class. Consequently, this project gave him one of the reasons to drop out from college in 1997 in addition to them being unable to get the roles they wanted for themselves. They reckoned that if that was the case, then they could make their own film even if it would only be available in cheap cassette tapes.
BILL (V.O.) Were you guys always okay with you being the lead and him being the sidekick? MATT (V.O.) Yeah. I mean, I started it in college in a playwriting class, and so it was all established by the timeâThat as my finalâMy final paper was, I was supposed to write a one-act play. And instead I handed in the first act of a movie. And I said to the professor, "I think I failed your class. This is not what you asked for, but this is what came out and I really like it." He gave me an A in the class. Yeah, it was really cool, because I didn't get a lot of straight A's at Harvard. And he went, "No, wherever this goesâI don't know where it's going, but stay with it." And it was really great, because I didn't think of myself as a writer. I was an actor. And neither did Ben, for that matter.
After starring in various roles and earning their wages, the two promptly rented a house in the neighborhood of Venice Beach, Los Angeles where they reportedly wasted their money away for hedonistic pleasures and decided to get an apartment in Eagle Rock neighborhood. Damon and Affleck lived together as broke in-and-out of role actors after spending a whole lot of their earnings in drinks and taxes. Subsequently, this is where they ultimately decided to work on the script of Good Will Hunting (1997) seriously.
BEN (V.O.) I lived all over the place. I lived in Hollywood, then I moved. [Matt Damon] and I got money from School Ties, and we blew it all in a couple of months. We made $35,000 or $40,000 each and thought we were rich. And we were shocked later on to find out how much we owed in taxes.
Good Will Hunting (1997) turned out to be an opportunity for them to combine their creative outputs and transform it into having a life on its own. They wrote the script largely influenced by their own personal upbringings in Boston through their spontaneous and completely erratic improvised sessions of jotting down details. Writing, even admittedly not their forte, was an intuitive process for them, and just how they meticulously carve the path of Will Huntingâs fate, they were also unknowingly writing a new chapter to their wondrous epic of Hollywood breakthrough.
MATT (V.O.) And so that was in late January, and then in March I came out here [to L.A.] for Spring Break to audition for stuff, and stayed on Ben's couch and showed it to him. I was like, "Hey, I wrote this thing, I don't know what the fuck to do with it." And Ben read it and goes, "I don't know what to do with it either, but we should do it together." And I was like, "Sold! I'm in!" And so that was really theâI trusted no one in my life more than him. And we were just, you knowâHe was as close a friend as Iâd ever had in my life or ever could imagine having. And I respected him, and I respected his taste. I mean, weâOur taste kind of formed together, you know what I mean? Those teenage years where youâre spreading your wings and gaining your own independence: we did that together. And so I know he would read a situation the same way I would. You know what I mean? We were just very compatible, in that way.
The film starred Damon as Will Hunting, the titular protagonist who was a troubled genius working as a janitor in the prestigious Massachusetts Institute of Technology (MIT) alongside Affleck as Chuckie Sullivan, one of Huntingâs closest confidants, and Robin Williams as the therapist Sean Maguire. Damon and Affleck sold the screenplay to Castle Rock Entertainment in 1994 for $675,000 where its president, Rob Reiner, told them to drop the thriller aspect and instead focus on the emotional ties of Hunting and Maguire. However, due to a conflict, Miramax Films bought the screenplayâs rights and put it into production with Gus Van Sant as the director. True to their nature, their earnings from the film were gone in few moments after it became a hit classic and a commercial success.
BEN (talking in front of the curtain) We sold it for $600,000, we split that, $300,000 each, and then the agents got $30,000. So we had $270,000, and we paid about $160,000 in taxes, so we had $110,000, each bought $55,000 Jeep Cherokees, and then had $55,000 left, which naturally we decided to rent a $5,000-a-month party house on Glencoe Way by the Hollywood Bowl, and we were broke in six months.
In their many attempts to rewrite every course of action and applicable dialogues, the crumbs on the shared candy bar remained sitting idly on the many drafts of manuscript, and still was the arrival of the sprinkling mess that was a testament of their love and camaraderie.
CUT TO:
Title: The Fortune Favors the Fools
INT. SHRINE AUDITORIUM - NIGHT
The pillars of Hollywood are where the gods and monsters of the industry were ensconced. Here they carve their legacy in all its pulchritudinous grandeur where they race their cars in Sunset Boulevard and Vine Street. Settled in the Shrine Auditorium, Los Angeles, the commencement of the 70th Academy Awards in 1998 propelled the trajectory of their future in an unimaginable heights. It was a turbulent period in the picture palaces where contenders such as James Cameron stirred the tides of cathartic grief with his poignant depiction of tragedy in Titanic (1997) and Kim Basingerâs seductive charisma in L.A. Confidential (1997) worked like a charm to the mass. Damon and Affleck paved their way into the culmination of the grand clockwork inside the movie industry along with the elite A-listers who took their seats on the fine cushion chairs. Billy Crystal, with all of his entertaining antics, sang an ode to the honorable artists.
MATT (V.O.) To go from that experience where, you know, we filled out the (Oscar ballot) sheets and we were betting on who was gonna win, to being in the front row of the Oscars together with our momsâin one yearâit felt like warp speed. And to have Billy Crystal singing a song about us.
Damon and Affleck, in their plain tuxedos and bow ties, managed to claim their unexpected Academy Award for Best Original Screenplay in Good Will Hunting (1997). The crowd was masked with massive shouts of uproar and sheer delight the moment when Jack Lemmon and Walter Matthau presented the award, which can be liken into them, a comedic duo, passing the torch of friendship to the young novices. The two of them were remembered as sweethearts for bringing their mothers as their dates to the said event. Such gesture, even if it was seen as juvenile to some, garnered them an appreciation from the public for looking back at the pioneers among their fans and also their first pillars of hope when they partook in the tumultuous road of acting.
BEN (V.O.) We were sitting next to our moms and we won, and we kind of hugged our moms. And I remember, how everyone had made such a big thing out of it. As if this was such a novelty. And I remember thinking, being insecure, like, âWhy? Why is it weird that weâre bringing our moms?â Like, âWho else do you think we would bring?â You know what I mean? There was nobody else that was going to go. That was it. Of course our moms were gonna go. That was, really was innocent and not faked.
Their signature impromptu speech was a blabbering mess and their words were caught up in a maze, yet the innocence emanating from their still neophyte minds inside the logistics of Hollywood was a testament to their authenticity as starting actors in the realer side of the business. Up until the present times, Affleck boasts his pride as he still remains to be the youngest winner to bag this prestigious award.
MATT (V.O.) Ben and I talked about it recently. We were younger than we felt. I was 22 and Ben was 20 when we first started writing it. And then it came out when I was 27 and Ben was 25. I mean, Benâs still the youngest writer to ever win an Oscar for screenwriting. Iâd be the youngest if it werenât for Ben. Fucking asshole.
In another but shared spotlight, Robin Williams also snatched the Academy Award for Best Supporting Actor from the same film. His performance cemented his legacy as one of the most beloved actor-comedians who ever graced the common folk with his winning smile and witty sense of humor. Williamsâ roles as Sean Maguire in Good Will Hunting (1997) and John Keating in Dead Poets Society (1989) resonated to the young souls through his earnest warmth of devotion in the form of paternal love. The integrity of his characters, which was molded from his own, poked the bubble of pressure that led to vulnerability.
ROBIN (V.O.) There's an emotional core to Good Will Hunting that came from Ben and Matt. They have this unspoken twins thing. They care for each other, yet they bust on each other. And that was a great bass line to work with. I'm very proud of this movie. It has a resonance.
The accolades for Good Will Hunting did not stop in its tracks as it emerged victorious in other award-giving bodies. Damon and Affleck also won the Golden Globes Award for Best Screenplay - Motion Picture and the Criticsâ Choice Movie Award for Best Original Screenplay. The disbelief hung in the air but the emblems of their cherished faith in their line of work brought a newfound admiration in each otherâs professional work.
MATT (V.O.) Itâs been really helpful to check in with Ben throughout this whole surreal process over the last 25 years. I think the shock of becoming famous is so⊠I mean, that messed me up for a couple years because the whole world just starts to treat you differently. And so your subjective experience changes. Itâs like somebody rewrites your code in the Matrix, but just your code. Itâs like, âOh, my whole experience has been altered in this really overwhelming way.â And so to have somebody who Iâve known my whole life, who I can be like, âHey man, is this happening to you? Are youâŠâ And to check in with him, it was really, really helpful. Stabilizing.
All of a sudden, they climbed up the ladder of prestige and in the throes of loneliness at the top, they basked in the presence of one another.
CUT TO:
Title: The Best They Ever Were
EXT. THE STREETS - DAY
As they walk in the arduous path they earnestly tread on, Damon and Affleck solidified their careers as one of the most prolific actors and filmmaker collaborators. Their fates were sealed in a fervid turmoil after that eventful night while carrying their early designed bulky cell phones in one hand and the golden trophy statuette in another. Time went on and success found its way running towards them in multitudes. Damon then had won the Screen Actors Guild Awards (SAG) for Outstanding Performance by a Cast in a Motion Picture in the movie The Departed (2007) with the cast, as well as two Critics' Choice Movie Awards for Best Actor in The Talented Mr. Ripley (2000) and Best Actor in an Action Movie in The Martian (2016). On the other hand, Affleck won the Screen Actors Guild Awards (SAG) for Outstanding Performance by a Cast in a Motion Picture in the movie Shakespeare in Love (1998) shared with the cast, another Academy Award for Best Picture as a producer in Argo (2013), and Santa Barbara International Film Festivalâs (SBIFF) Modern Master Award for Argo (2013). Furthermore, the two also accepted the award for Guys of the Decade at the 10th Annual Guys Choice Awards in 2016.
The nature of their relationship has always been a sweet spot for breeding malice and amusement of many, yet both are secured enough to define what they are for each other amidst the publicâs scrutiny.
WOMAN IN BLACK (gesturing with her hands) I didnât know what your relationship is with Ben. Seeing you or to get, you know, known him your whole lifeâ MATT (standing on the stairs) Heâs my hetero-lifemate.
It goes to show how the concept of platonic bond is subjected to different interpolation because of how malleable and loosely defined its boundaries are. Moreover, histrionic commentaries over cultural norms and prejudices thrive in competitive capitalism where journalists are put in a game of catch to get a scoop on celebrity scandals with twisted headlines.
ELLEN (sitting cross-legged) So we're going to talk about it. I just heard it this morning, if you want to address it somehow. It's like when we do interviews, you say something and then people write it and it depends onâitâs out of context and it gets twisted around and something you said is getting twisted around and I want you to address it. MATT (sitting on the opposite couch) Yeah, it was just an interview with The Guardian that I just literally found out. I was talking about [how] actors are more effective when you know less about their personal lives and was talking about it in the context of when Ben and I first started, and people wrote all these articles when Good Will Hunting came out that we were gay because it was two guys who wrote the script, and feeling like âOh, we can't evenâ.âThen you have to address it and then you would and then it's like, Iâm not going to throw my friends under the bus who are gay and act like it's some kind of disease, you know. How do you even address it? [âŠ] I said this thing in The Guardian and it got turned intoâI was just trying to say [that] actors are more effective when they're a mystery, right? And somebody picked it up and said gay actors should get back in the closet, which is, like, it's stupid. It's painful when things get said that you don't believe.
The mere fact that both Damon and Affleck remained to withstand the tribulations of exploitative industry, where privacy is compromised, speak volume to their commitment and loyalty towards each other. Writing their bond as a simple romance where they fit the conventional bill of being one is reductive in its essence because it takes away all nuances and intricacies of an outstanding platonic bond. Their relationship is supposed to remodel the foundation of a healthy friendship as it is a connection that is not codified through marriage contract or sexual attraction, but a shared mutual interest in something where both can celebrate and be dismal together. However, the public is not in the same page in terms of appreciating this kinship that rivals the so-called be-all and end-all type of love that is romance.
Decades passed through thousands of sunsets and millions of seconds, and their bodies had changed to match their shifting attitudes. However, their reverence and love for acting continue to stand unwavering in the midst of tempestuous conjectures and flashes like lightning strikes in their very faces. Currently, Damon lives in Brooklyn Heights, New York in a penthouse with the top two floors of a building spanning over the stunning views of the Manhattan skyline where he lives with Luciana Barroso and their daughters. Affleck, on the other hand, lives in a mansion in the Beverly Crest area of Los Angeles with Jennifer Lopez that stretches over 38,000 square feet, including a 12-bedroom main house and other amenities. The endless fields and valleys in between their locations were irrelevant against their will to collaborate again and screen write The Last Duel (2021) and co-found a studio together, the Artist Equity, to produce Air (2023).
BEN (sitting cross legged) I find the most wonderful thing about it was I loved coming to work everyday. I loved seeing Matt. I loveâfirst of all, he's a genius. Having him as your anchor of your movie just makes itâ MATT (gesturing Ben) See, 40-something-years it took you toâ BEN (contâd) No, I didn't use to think this. But that just makes it so easy, and it was just so much fun. It kinda felt like just us and getting to do the thing that we wanted to do. I did. I loved it. I miss it everyday since. It was the best work experience of my life. In fact, that's the beautiful thing about this. It's that happiness was being able to be here everyday in Los Angeles, where my children are and see them everyday and have them come visit the set, work with my best friend my whole life. There's nothing more that I want in my life. I thought, well, this is it. This is what I've always wanted, you know. And then I thought that might mean I'm about to die. MATT (laughing) I literally had the same thought. I was like this is it. We've actually reached the mountaintop.
Though their milestone launched them into separate houses of big screens and magazine covers, all Americaâs crossroads and thoroughfares and boulevards and avenues attempt to intersect at one point despite their convoluted systems to lead their lavish vehicles together in taking the high road.
BEN (V.O.) Yeah. It is bizarre to have gone this far. And definitely a lot ofâI donât think I would be saneâor as sane to the extent that I amâhad I not had somebody who was from where I grew up, and who was my best friend, and who was going through the same thing. So you couldâ Because Iâm sure you guys all know: there are these moments in this business where you look around and go like, âIs this completely insane? I feel as though Iâm coming unglued.â And having that, someone share that perspectiveâand then so, as we went on and on, so finally got to a place whereâlike with The Last Duelâit was like, âWhy havenât we justâ? We had so much fun! Every day on that set was so much fun! Letâs just do this: letâs just do movies together and with people we like.â
No matter how high the altitude of their dreams had come to, the streets of Boston will always have a perpetual flame into the hearts of two actors fueled by their shared ambition. Their eyebrows are the Storrow Drive with the way they are on fleek, their lips are the undulating waves in Plymouth's Fresh Pond when they curve upwards, and their torso is the Fenway Park where the Boston Red Sox is. When they gaze into each otherâs faces, the two natives would recall all their hilarious mischiefs and lasting jubilations as if they are themselves the incarnation of the place they will always call home.
GRAHAM (pointing Matt) And what was the phrase? There was a phrase that you heard. Was it in a movie you heard a phrase? âThere goes...â MATT (realizing) Oh, yeah. Yeah, I said it to my mother. This is funny. I saidâin the movie, The Natural, Robert Redford, and it's based on something the baseball player Ted Williams once said. But so his character, Roy Hobbs, in The Natural says, âAll I want is to walk down the street, you know, and when I walk down the street for people to say 'There goes Roy Hobbs, the best he ever was,'â And my motherâand I love that movieâand I love Robert Redford, asked me one day, âWhat is it that you want, Matthew?â and I said, âLook, all I want is to walk down the street someday and have people say, 'There goes Matt Damon, the best he ever was.'â
The streets will be just like the way they rode their Jeep Cherokee Sport once. Only this time, the babes with their mothers and the strangers in all varying places will notice what the glint in their eyes is. And here, in the venerated bastion of media, there goes the finest of them all, the best they ever were.
FADE OUT.
THE END
#matt damon#ben affleck#matt & ben#ben & matt#the culmination of my month-long obsession#which could mean nothing#analysis#feature article#technically just with a twist#my passion project#before the hellscape that is uni#i wanna channel lana del rey's writing style here#the way she put a bunch of references#forgive me if there are errors#my brain is in overdrive#i wanna add citations but im tired#if you're deep in the lore you don't need it because you'll know where it came from#special dedication to that one archivist who basically compiled all of their anecdotes#thank you for feeding my obsession with your work#I DID THIS FREAKING THING!!!#i am proud of this
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im ngl i had a lil breakdown before my shower (which i took just before i went to bed to chill and watch the new eps) abt some thought-id-already-worked-all-thru-it irl stuff that resurfaced on me like trauma tends to and i just
it made everything in the show so. I don't know how to say it right. but i feel seen and understood and emotionally overwhelmed in a safe yet weird way, just like i did with a lot of s1 and I am Feeling So Much akdnfkgb (i cannot stress enough that this is a Good Thing and I'm absolutely thrilled and happy with the new eps and like. Going to be fine mentally I just gotta wrangle this like i have the times before.)
#text post#god i need a therapist that specialises in PTSD when i can afford therapy again#in the meantime recognition of the self thru the admired other while im in this state weirdly helps#makes me feel like im gonna burst out of my skin and I'm blasting metal in my ear buds to deal with that for now#gonna sleep eventually#i think lmao#im fine honestly bc like. this is not my first breakdown by any means but just. the fucking timing could not have been better#that said i both need a hug and absolutely could not handle being touched rn so that's something#no one's gonna read this far so im gonna just let myself have one little extra messy vent in that#my stupid fucking dad triggered part of this last one and I'm so mad abt it#he doesn't give two fucks abt me now (but he'd pretend to if he saw me in person bc jason LOVES keeping up appearances)#and he would just do a little nod and smile and talk over me telling him all that's happened this last year#i moved across the fucking country with help from friends so i wouldn't wind up dead in ND#and that's the thing i keep surviving and I dont understand why when I'm so often stressed and struggling to want to live#that and more has been sitting weighing and i just. want to tell him all of this and for him to be proud of me#he'll never be proud of me the way i want bc even my mum hasn't pulled that off#where they're proud of me as I am with no caveats or hiding parts of myself#if u think this is bad pls know i deleted a maximum tags tag essay/trauma dump just before this on this post lmao#i am In The Soup rn but it's gonna be fine#gonna rewatch s2 eps and be slightly but safely triggered by bits of ed and izzys stuff and get stoned and try to. process feelings#find some ptsd therapy worksheets online like dr. blohm suggested i try#forgive me the long tags and scroll by it fast if u want/need friends ill try to contain my current mess to this post & few others
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update counselor breakup email scheduled to send at 8:48 am tomorrow đ„ł
#if i wasnât miserable and stressed for other reasons i would feel a weight lifted from my shoulders. lol đ„Č but im proud of myself and i know#itâs the right decision and i rly appreciate everyone whoâs encouraged me to do this for the last few months. ty for listening to me#complain and show me what im worth. it genuinely means so much to me#purrs#now i need to get my learners permit⊠start looking for a place to liveâŠ. and find a new local counselor who i can see in person and takes#sliding scale payment and will actually understand me and will have their license etc etc etc. no big deal đ« #or maybe i just try not having a counselor for a little while and see how i do? but thatâs scary. ithink i actually do need one#*showing not show. augh#anyways 2 yrs in a row where my counseling rs has ended partway thru februsry except this time imwthe one ending it đ€đ€đ€đ€đ€đ€đ€#also my track record for sticking with counselors the whole way thru is ABYSMAL lmao. as of this email sending weâre at 3/6 đđ#(the whole way thru bc ive always had temporary counselors w finite timelines. but im done w that shit. i need someone stuck w me forever â„ïž#(âand god DAMN if i am not about to get myself exactly that! â„ïž)
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ÂŻ\_(ă)_/ÂŻ
#okay#body image tw#i never got like pro-ana social media before like how could people talk abt it encouragingly and like commune abt it#but i just found out iâve lost like 10 lbs and im so proud of myself and i want to tell someone#but my stupid stinkin methods are rooted in mental illness and so if i tell anyone#itâs not a âgood for youâ but a âim telling your therapistâ and in grumpy abt it#but i needed ti say it somewhere or i was gonna go nuts#and before anyone gets worried abt me: itâs rly not that bad i swear i am getting nutrients#iâve done way way worse#it just feels so nice to be proud of my body#bc this time iâm exercising consistently and itâs so cool to see the changes#i know everything iâm doing is rooted in my ed but i think it will grow into actually just being healthier#i know i sound delusional but i swear i mean it#i justâŠ.was shocked to see the scale where it was like i wouldâve been so happy with half of that#:)#AND i only weighed myself bc iâm at my momâs house and i shall never own a scale so itâs just a lil check in#thatâs all
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#have been writing lately instead of painting and idkâŠ. how i feel about that#never have i considered myself a writer#i mean i write bad romantic poetry sure. but im writing fiction. novels if u will. and i Like it. :/#its uncomfortable. idk. maybe if i make companion paintings itll feel less obscure. perhaps a web comic will come out of it#ive never been into structured writing ever ever. but it felt⊠salty. like sweat drying on your skin. gratifying. to finish a whole piece.#it was a fit of mania perhaps. and i have more still bubbling there is much to create. i just have never created in this format before#hate it almost. digging my heels but its pointless to resist where the water knows to go you know? i cannot feel this way about painting#if that is not what is meant to be made at this time. the wild horse of inspiration will not bend to my comfort#yes i know i am an artist in the worst way. yes im aware of how i sound. i am not proud but i suppose i cannot either be ashamed#if i cannot be another way#idk i always wanted to be an airhead lol. before anyways. my grandfather does not understand his gift is as enviable as my own#hes not an airhead you could not imagine so after listening to him. but he is enigmatic in that way.#socialized better maybe. the gift of living as you imagine because you are not imagining at all#i never wanted to be reclusive. driven by fits of madness. but i dont have another way known to me#the life i imagine is lived by those who are not imagining it#but idk i think less nowadays. it helps to figure myself an unsocialized dog. something to be solved by careful hands#ugh. god with how i talk sometimes i wonder how it surprises me to become a pos writer. who else talks like that#anyways im incredibly ill still lol going to again attempt to shower the virus out of me
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(Remembers that he befriended @vivizn because they were the only person in an argument to say something with kind words and acknowledging me as a person instead of Unidentified Gnome Slurs For Humans) oooooooooooooooh...
Cool :) đ
The "radical leftists" on this site who talk constantly about the importance of solidarity and kindness and compassion and then immediately tell anyone who disagrees with them to kill themselves are going to be devastated when they learn how much of actual union organizing involves talking to people whose politics you find incredibly repugnant and meeting them where they're at in order to find common ground
#no joke#look one of my most viewed posts about me being upset that people dont react the way i expect them to#the wizardposting gnome kept being insufferable and cringe instead of making a point so i blocked them#and now im mutuals with the only person that said that same point but kindly and by. you know. actually maling an argument instead of being#upset that i have ONE personality trait and its my Asperger Diagnosis#and honestly it makes me so happy because it means that there is still hope out there for peaceful talks and happy endings#yes im getting emotional over this Steven Universe was my childhood (toghether with undertale pokemon yugioh and the like) and honestly?#im proud of who i am and who i will become#:>#after all you know how the line goes#âDespite Everything. Its Still You.â
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i found this in levi's photo's. wth man?????
#(thats henry)#ok you know those pictures with animegirls drawn onto them? levi so would.#this is not making fun of them!! hellooo i am very much just like thiss#but anyway yeah this has been in my mind for a whilee but i could never get to it. idk why today was the day.#i have absolutely NO hc's about henry so i went with whatever. yes that is henry ig. yes he is a boy with big ol boobs.#its what levi would want. in a proud transgender way not a fetishist something.#idk levi should look prouder for this to really work but its had to find images like thatt#ok actually im too emberassed to put this in main tags so. i wont.#sillyposting#my work#sure.#ouooo i KNOW this is a banger post but.... the cringee noooo... i mustnt succumb..... i shant....... cringe is dead.....#also if you care. the necklace henry is wearing is a hc of levi (his symbol). just like i insert jewelry related to me onto my babes =w=bb#also it was unnecessarily hard to replicate the thing i wanttt. waughh you mean i have to be imperfect??#i have to try less than my best??? HOW.
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