#i may say I am happy in my identity but deep down I am a raging animal wishing to feel normal wishing to have desire of any kind

[sonofwhales]

Oh to be drunk and allowing the only emotional side of me to come out while for once the rational part of me is the one locked away.

Perhaps then I'd be able to feel, fully feel what the back of my brain has been telling me.

Perhaps I'd sluggishly walk up to you and all giddy like a middle school valentine I'd be able to blurt out those three infamous words

It would be ugly and you would reject me but deep down I know that this is not about you, it's about me, I would have succeeded at saying what I can't even write and it would be enough

[anisespice]

“ baby steps ” || tokyo rev.

continuation of this post.

pairing: bonten x fem!reader [ mikey, ran, sanzu ]

warnings: mature content ahead. MDI. mature language, crude humor, ANGST w/ comfort (mostly in mikey's), deadbeat!bonten (unintentionally), not proof-read so there may be A LOT of errors :// mikey's is LONG, ran + sanzu's are silly goofy, mikey + sanzu's are a lil unhinged lol and i think that’s it :))

notes: can i just say thank y'all so much for showing "accidents happen" the love that i didn't think it would get, it was made on a whim so i'm so so so happy y'all enjoyed! i tagged as many as i could (or that tumblr would allow) sorry if i missed some of you :( thank you for your patience and let me know how you feel about this continuation format :) !! notes ii: also also, pt. 2 for "accidents happen" coming soon! notes iii: MY COMPUTER CRASHED AND I THOUGHT I LOST EVERYTHING BUT IT'S OKAY IT'S OKAY :'))))

tagged: @fantasycantasy , @illegalspacecow , @captaincyberqueen , @cherryblossiren , @niragiswhore , @awkwardaardvarkforever , @valentsoup , @lovely212 , @miffysoo , @yandere-kouhai , @i-am-just-a-girl-ur-honor , @wisteriarose214 , @kindadolly , @yuwaimo , @sweetbella1221 , @simpingfor-wakasa , @sirachano0dles , @yutahg , @slowlikehonee , @blurpleuni-squid , @haruchiyoreen , @istanstraykidss , @loyard176 , @msluccapotato , @luv444lay , @backgroundcharactera , @jegelskeranime

Ever since you picked up your daughter, there’s been a hovering presence that wouldn’t go away no matter where you went. From the park, to the grocery store, all the way home it clung to you like a bad itch. Despite looking over your shoulder and being met without any sort of threat, that didn’t stop the uneasy feeling. And it only intensified when you received a knock on your front door.

You made a confused hum, checking the time on the microwave to confirm that it was indeed past the reasonable hour for potential visitors. Not to mention, you weren’t expecting anyone.

The hairs on the back of your neck stood up, instincts telling you that something wasn’t right, that your best option was to pretend you weren’t home. However, the person on the other side knew otherwise as they knocked on the door again, this time with more fervor. You inhaled sharply, taking hesitant steps towards the door until you were mere feet away from it. Eventually, you worked up the courage to look through the peephole, your brows furrowing in distress when all you could see was black—They were covering it. All the more reason not to open the door…

What if it’s a robber? Ridiculous, they don’t knock.

What if it’s just the neighbor? Why cover the peephole?

More and more did your mind swirl with endless possibilities, each one becoming less and less believable. Taking a long, deep breath, you doubled-checked the door-chain was on before slowly cracking it open. And as you attempted to peek through the sliver, nothing could’ve prepared you for the arm that forced its way through, startling you as you yelped, stumbling back as it made a grab at you.

Before you had the thought of shoving the door closed on the offender’s arm they grabbed the little chain, then yanked it clean out of the wall. To your terror, a dark hooded figure entered your home, head hung low, concealing their identity.

You began to hyperventilate, backing up to keep distance as they staggered further into your home before kicking the door closed behind them, effectively blocking you from the exit. Surely, someone heard your scream and would check in, or call the police. But, how long did you have before the intruder decided to make a move? Not to mention, your sleeping child just down the hall…

With that last thought in mind, you immediately steeled your nerves.

Even if you had to use your bare hands, you were going to do whatever it took to keep your baby out of harms way.

You reached for the closest weapon without taking your eyes off the figure, hands clasping onto a discarded umbrella that was leaned up against a closet door. It wasn’t ideal, but it would have to do. Taking a defensive stance, you prepared for what you assumed to be the inevitable.

“I-I don’t know who you are, or what you want…b-but if you don’t leave…my..my boyfriend will be home any minute! H-He knows how to fight, and he’ll fuck you up if you try anything!”

Your means of intimation fall on deaf ears. It were as if you hadn’t spoken at all. They just…stood there. Watching you from the darkness. That feeling, that hovering presence you’d been weary about all evening…there was no doubt in your mind it was because of this individual. Suddenly, they gave a watery chuckle, hand coming up to rub the lower half of their face as the chilling noise dissipated into soft snickers.

You sweatdropped. “I mean it! He’ll be here real soon, so you better get out of here before-”

“[_____]…” the figure finally rasped, voice heavy with an emotion you couldn’t decipher in the moment. You froze, eyes widening.

“…How the hell do you know my name?”

Without much urgency, they stepped forward into the light. Beneath the warm glow, it took you mere seconds to recognize the person standing before you. You gasped, trembling hands dropping the umbrella, it landing with a harsh clatter. Soft, mortified hitches in your breath echoed through the small space, memories flashing before your eyes as you covered your gaping mouth.

“M.. Ma..” you whimpered, throat tightening. A shell of a man, who gazed upon you with stormy eyes flooded with tears at the mere sight of you.

He gave another strained laugh, muttering to himself as he soaked you all in. “Needed to know.. Needed to know it was really you…”

Mikey eyed you up, intensely, eerily silent as he did so. Then, he took in the surroundings, the warmth, the interior, the smell of dinner—It truly felt like a home. A bitter pill to swallow once he reminded himself that you built it without him.

His sharp gaze returned to your stunned expression. He sneered.

“Must’ve been easy for you. To forget me and move on, just like that. Like I was nothing.”

You blinked, taken aback. All you could do was remain speechless, cemented to the ground with thoughts and questions racing in your head. Now matter how many times you opened your mouth, no sound would come out aside from choked whimpers.

“Do you know…how long I’d been searching for you? Been mourning for you?” He hissed through clenched teeth. “When you left, I thought… I thought someone had taken you. That I lost you all because I was too stubborn to say I’m sorry…”

As he spoke, Mikey slowly closed the space between you. The more he came into the light, the more you could see how the years had treated him. His cheekbones were more pronounced, the dark circles under his eyes as well. His lips were dry, cracked, his fair skin now ghoulishly pale. If not for the black hoodie you would’ve mistaken him as such; ghost of your past.

Your shoulders shook, hands hovering over your face as you gaped in disbelief. He’d been looking for you?

That night, that stupid fight you could barely remember…he made it crystal clear that he wanted nothing to do with you. He pushed you away. Pushed so hard that you almost believed he really wouldn’t have cared if you dropped dead. You knew he didn’t mean it, knew it was just another dark impulse…but none of that mattered when all your pregnancy tests came back positive just hours prior.

That night, you made the decision for the sake of your daughter. And also, for his sake. At the time, you were certain he wasn’t ready to be a father. He was quick to rage, merciless, losing himself to the darkness you tried to protect him from. If you had stayed, you were certain Mikey would’ve never forgiven himself if he lost control in front of his own flesh and blood, if the child grew to resent him for something he struggled to control.

You thought you were doing him a favor…but it appears to have done the opposite.

“And this whole time…you’ve been here, alive. Playing fucking house with someone else.”

You stiffened. Someone else? Your visible confusion only irritated him further.

He scoffed. “Don’t play dumb. You said it yourself. Too bad he won’t be coming home anytime soon. I’ve already got Sanzu and the Haitanis looking around for the bastard. And when they find him, I’ll make him regret sticking his filthy dick inside you.”

Confusion morphed into realization. You did threaten him with said hypothetical boyfriend…But, that was before you knew it was him!

“Oh, Manjiro…” you whispered. He glared, scorned.

“Don’t you dare pity me. I mean, you got the family you always wanted, right? So who cares who it was with, right? Congratu-fucking-lations.”

You shook your head, exhaling deeply as you held your face in your hands. For years, he thought you dead. Then, when he received word of your appearance, he finds you with child. And not once did he consider that child to be his? It’s like…he couldn’t fathom the thought.

If only he had looked just a little bit closer, he would’ve seen that she had his eyes. How they resembled those pools of ink that used to shine with so much hope back in his youth, so playful and full of love…those same eyes that now gazed upon you with contempt.

It stung.

He thought so low, not only of himself, but of you as well.

Taking a deep breath to reel in your emotions, tears began to well up in your eyes. He assumed they were tears for your doomed lover, further breaking his heart as Mikey clenched his fists to the point of nearly drawing blood. Luckily, even though you struggled to find the right words, someone else happily found them for you.

“Papa..?”

Both of you instantly drew your attention on the toddler standing near the kitchen, one fist clutching her blanket while the other rubbed the sleep from her eye. You glanced at Mikey, and he was stiller than stone. His once dead-stare had morphed into what could only be described as incredulous. Surely, he heard her incorrectly…

With a sniffle, you crouched down to address her, offering a soft grin as you nodded earnestly. “That’s right, sweetheart. Papa’s finally come home.”

The little girl blinked sleepily, taking a second to reboot. But, as soon as the words registered, a bright smile stretched across her face as she excitedly rushed towards Mikey, throwing herself onto his legs and hugging them like a koala as she chirped, “Papa, home!”

Said man hobbled a bit at the force, arms windmilling as he caught himself to keep from falling backwards. He didn’t know what to do with himself, especially when those big, round pools of ink opened and stared right up into his soul. Mikey’s heart nearly stopped. With a hitch in his breath, the gangster did everything he could to hold his composure, looking between you and the child as you both gazed at him with so much warmth…it was suffocating.

Sensing he was overwhelmed, you reached down to scoop up the bubbly bundle, holding her close as you eyed Mikey, apprehensively.

He resembled a cornered animal—Muscles stiff, jaw tight, eyes wild. After a moment, Mikey began to slowly back away into the shadows of your home, conflicted, devastated. It wasn’t until his back hit the door did he eventually fall to his ass, of which caused your child to giggle at how silly he was being. However, all you could do was hold back tears, watching as the reality started to weigh down on a man who just discovered he was a father.

Nervous, you gently explained. “I didn’t leave you because of our spat, Jiro…and I never moved on. I just…thought that I’d be doing more harm than good sticking around when I found out I was pregnant…I didn’t want to add any more stress on your plate, so I…”

Mikey didn’t respond. He sat there, stare vast and unfocused. But, you knew he hung on to every word. So you continued. “I wanted to tell you. But…I wasn’t sure how. At the time, I believed you had stopped caring about me altogether. And to hear you’d been looking for me, I-I’m…I’m so sorry. I’m sorry you harbored all that guilt. I didn’t mean for any of that to happen.”

Your daughter wiggled around in your hold, making small grunts in complaint. Her eyes were trained on his figure huddled in the dark, wanting to be acknowledged, wanting his attention. “Papa!”

Mikey flinched. He focused his gaze on the two you, haloed by the light emitting from the living room. You both were like salvation, reaching down to a broken sinner…How could she want anything to do with him? When he had missed so much already…

To keep from accidentally dropping her, you placed your daughter back on the ground, watching wearily as she wobbled all the way to Mikey, blanket in tow. You weren’t worried about him hurting her, far from it…if anything, he appeared to be the fragile one.

Eventually, she made it to her destination, standing before him with a curious, but eager expression as she rested a hand on his knee. Mikey watched her, took in all of her features, every last detail as he engraved it to memory. She was beautiful, just like her mother. One would think his genes didn’t stand a chance. But the eyes. That was all him. From his mother to his older brother to himself, there was no doubt in his mind that those were Sano eyes.

His lower lip quivered, reaching out hesitantly to caress her cheek. She didn’t cower away, merely babbled as she began patting his knee, allowing his thumb to rub over her chubby cheek. You clasped your hands over your mouth, growing even more emotional at the delicate moment. Mikey looked enamored already, eyes subtly sparkling from what you could see as they interacted.

“I-I told her stories, about you. And I made sure to show her photos, too. Old ones, but still you nonetheless. I wanted her to know who her father truly was. Despite everything else…”

Your daughter cooed, then placed her blanket in Mikey’s lap before climbing into it. Mikey didn’t dare move, rigid as she made herself comfortable. He looked up at you, looking for guidance, for reassurance. Your encouraging smile was enough for him to hesitantly place his hands on her small back for support, carefully adjusting so that she was stable. She laid her head on his chest and stuck her thumb in her mouth, sighing contentedly.

And, for the first time in years, he smiled.

When you hadn’t seen her familiar pigtails bobbing around, or heard any of her excited chatter with the receptionist up front, worry couldn’t even begin to describe what you felt the moment you realize…your daughter wasn’t here.

As soon as the meeting looked like it was wrapping up, you politely excused yourself from the room. Masking your worry wasn't too difficult, but there's no doubt a couple people might've noticed the spring in your step as you exited. One of them being Rindou Haitani. He watched you speed down the hall with mild interest, corner of his mouth ticking up ever so slightly as he thumbed around on his phone beneath the table. Having been updating his older brother during the meeting while he was on his smoke break, he was more than eager to inform him of the storm that was no doubt heading his way.

Little did the younger Haitani know, he was already dealing with one.

"And then, Haruka-kun tries to take Momo-kun's bento box because she had cuter animal shapes, but Momo-kun already said no, and so Haruka-kun pushes Momo-kun, and then tries to take it! But I pushed him and hit him with my fist, like this," she clenched up her tiny fist and held it up to Ran before striking down on his forearm with all her might. It didn't even pitch. "Like that."

The lavender-eyed man merely gazed upon her with mirth. "Did you now?"

"Mmhm! And teacher got so mad, and said that she would tell Ma about me fighting, but she's stupid because Ma didn't pick me up today, and I told Haruka-kun if he snitches, I'll beat 'em up!"

Ran lowly whistled. "Quite the little menace, ain'tcha?"

She pumped her fists. "Yeah!" Then, she paused, holding a finger to her chin in thought. "Wait...what's a menace?"

"Ah, something you inherited from your old man." He ruffled her hair, much to her displeasure. Though her innocent jab earlier regarding his age still hit a sore spot, he was starting to like the sound of it. She, on the other hand, wasn't convinced.

"I already told you; Ma was on her happy juice when she said that. She said not to believe anything she says when she's on happy juice. It makes her do silly things."

Ran chuckled. He knew that all too well. The little girl wouldn't be in this world if not for your inability to hold your liquor. But judging based on how you've raised her so far, clearly you made the right decision keeping him in the dark.

He'll admit, he wasn't the best in terms of commitment. Throughout his day to day, Ran just didn't have the energy. With being in Bonten, keeping an eye out for his younger brother, handling business, dealing with numbskulls and disposing of their bodies, there was never a time to even consider settling down. One-night stands and on and off flings were the easiest choice. At least, until he stumbled upon you.

You were the whole package and more. Classy, independent, witty, and a looker to top it all off. When Bonten started collaborating with the organization you worked in, he couldn't help but to be drawn to you—Like a moth to a flame. It started out as the occasional bantering, trying to one-up the other, catch them off guard. Ran was smooth with his words but could never quite beat your sharp tongue. Thus, things escalated to something more flirtatious. Harmless, but it didn't take long before the months of tension between the both of you began boiling over...and throwing alcohol into the mix, it was the first time Ran finally felt like he had the upper hand. Seeing how poorly you handled just a few glasses of wine, it endeared him. Seeing a piece of you that no one else had the privilege to witness. Your sloppy side, the clumsy, whiny, touchy side. After that long, passionate night beneath the sheets, the one time you and Ran allowed yourselves the space to be vulnerable with one another...you found yourself pregnant. And Ran found himself being nonethewiser.

He wonders, if he hadn't left the next morning and completely ghosted you...would you have kept him in the picture?

Suddenly, his phone dings. Reaching back to pull it from his back pocket, Ran half expected it to just be another update on the meeting or Rindou cursing at him to hurry his ass back inside. But, it wasn't that at all. And at the sound of your kitten heels rushing out of the building and halting at the top of the steps, Ran didn't even need to look up to know who was glowering down from them.

"Hey, Ma! Guess what, the purple man isn't such a meanie after all!"

Ran snorted, finally looking up from his phone to greet the woman who not only still had his heart, but evidently his first child. You, on the other hand, weren't so thrilled to see him.

"Rika. Wait inside. Ma's got some words for the purple man."

He smirked. "Wanna say 'em over a glass of wine?"

"You son of a-!"

"Bad word!" Your daughter covered her ears. You flushed, your composure nearly slipping just by being in his prescence. Ran, immediately seeing the opportunity, teasingly pouts at you whilst covering her tiny hands with his larger ones, shielding her.

"Honey, please, not in front of the child. Can't have her repeating those dirty words at school, can we?"

You fumed, speaking through clenched teeth. "Haitani, as soon as I get her in this building, away from you, I swear to God, I'm gonna wring your neck."

He hummed, amused. "Well. Guess she didn't get her violent side from me after all. Speaking of which, did you know at school today-"

"Hey! No snitching!"

“...What did you say?” 

You were hoping you heard the teacher wrong. Surely it was just your exhaustion taking the wheel. But, when her kind smile didn’t falter, nor did her gushes for the supposed “adorable display”, you immediately grew suspicious.

While heading home from work, you went to pick up your children from daycare. And when you arrived, the teacher merely informed you that it was already taken care of by your very handsome and very devoted husband. 

“I-I think you’re mistaken. My boyfriend and I aren’t married…”

The teacher, finally coming back down to earth, tilted her head in confusion. “Eh? You aren’t?” 

“Did he…say we were?” 

“Well, no. I just assumed since it was easy to tell who he was here for. Hikaru and Kaoru look so much like their daddy.”

You choked on your spit.  Hikaru and Kaoru look so much like their daddy. Hikaru and Kaoru look so much like their daddy.

You did everything in your power to keep from strangling the poor woman. Sure, she didn’t do anything wrong per say…but she sure did make a grave error. And your struggle to restrain your intrusive thoughts must’ve shown on your face from the way she placed a concerned hand on your arm. “Are you alright, miss? You look like you’re about to faint.”

“M-Mhm, yep, great, just peachy.” You squeaked through clenched teeth, sweatdrop on your forehead. “Could you um…confirm something for me?”

“Uh.? Er, sure. I’ll try my best.”

With tense shoulders and a tight smile, you asked, “Their…father…did his mouth have two scars in the corners?”

The teacher blinked, confused. Shouldn’t you already know that answer yourself?, she was probably thinking. And she would be right; you did know. But her simple, hesitant nod was the final nail in the coffin that was your delusion—Haruchiyo Sanzu had found you. And to make matters worse, he had the children.

Your smile faltered, twitching ever so slightly. Covering it with a forced chuckle, you cried, “Oh, that’s..wonderful! He’s always been self conscious about them, and I’m j-just.. beaming with joy that he’s embracing them more. Have a nice evening, Ms. Yuki.”

The teacher didn’t get a chance to respond as you quickly turned on your heel and began speed walking home. You’d apologize for your abrupt exit another day…right now there were more important matters to worry about. For instance—How on earth did Sanzu find you? How did he know about the twins and where they were? Oh, God…did he know about Satoru?

Dialing him up a few times only for the calls to go straight to voicemail weren’t reassuring in the slightest, having you rush across oncoming traffic just so you could avoid any further delays for your fraying nerves. You could see your apartment complex up ahead, heart thumping in your throat at the familiar, black SUV parked a couple blocks down. Had it not been for the heavily tinted windows and no license plates, you probably would’ve overlooked it. He knew where you lived. Stomach in knots, muscles stiff, nerves shot. You didn’t know whether to feel relieved or devastated. Your kids were safe at home, but at what cost? You stood in front of the building, rooted to the ground. Despite mentally preparing for this exact scenario for years, it all went down the drain the second you went to that daycare and discovered your children were missing.

It wasn’t until your phone vibrated did you snap out of your thoughts, shakily pulling the device out of your back pocket to check the notification.

from : unknown 1:06 pm     “ hi, mama.~ ”

Your stomach twisted. Attached to the message were two photos.

The first photo was of your kids eating McDonald's in the kitchen, happily cheesing and waving at the camera. You couldn't hold your choked gasp, hand coming up to hold your quivering lower lip—They were safe.

The second photo...was of Satoru. Tied to a chair, gagged, and beaten senseless. And standing behind him, holding him by his hair so that he could pose for the camera, grinning like a cheshire cat...

Another message pops up. Your grip tightened around your phone.

from : unknown 1:09 pm " daddy's home.~ "

© 2024-2025 anisespice ッ all rights reserved. likes, comments & reblogs much appreciated!

[shibaincubus]

How to stop being a doormat.-

-> . . . ⇢ ˗ˏˋ [By a healed people pleaser] ࿐ྂ

Being nice to others is not a bad trait, but becoming THE NICE GIRL is.

Excessive people pleasing brings you nowhere and makes you vulnerable to becoming a doormat, disrespect, and sacrificing yourself.

People pleasing isn’t just about being nice to everyone all the time; it actually messes with your head and how you think about yourself deep down. 

We can look at people pleasing from an conscious and subconscious side.

Conscious People pleasing

This is what we typically associate with people pleasing:

You can't say no: Every request feels like an obligation.

You prioritize others over yourself: Your needs take a backseat.

You apologize for everything: Even when it’s unnecessary.

You avoid conflicts: Peace at any cost, right?

You make yourself small: Shrinking your presence to fit in.

Subconscious people pleasing

This is the impact people pleasing has on your mindset and behaviours

While breaking people pleasing one should focus here more

Servant mindset -> catering to others drains your energy.

Emulating others ->  You lose sight of who you truly are.

Seeking validation: "I need to be ... to get validation 'love' from others

Ignoring your feelings: Suppressing your emotions to keep the peace.

Feeling judged: Worrying about what others think of you.

Anxiousness about acceptance: "Do they really like me?"

The Why of People pleasing

The first step in breaking free is understanding why you engage in people pleasing.

Here are some common reasons:

You might be people pleasing because of...

Anxiety: fear of disappointing others or rejection

Low self esteem: "pleasing others is the only way to get acceptance and love"

Past trauma: can link others' needs to safety and affection

Cultural or family expectations: Pressure from those around you.

Perfectionism:  The need to be flawless in the eyes of others.

Insecurity: Doubting your own worthiness.

Avoidance of Conflict: Preferring peace over confrontation.

To get the exact cause you should also utilise journaling.

Use 15 min. for three or more of these journaling prompts each

Does People pleasing really help me? How do I feel when I please people? Happy or drained?

Do I get something back by pleasing people. Is it one sided?

What is my earliest memory of people pleasing? Why did I decide to please people at that time?

How do I perceive the people that I please in reality? Do I even like them.

What is the thing I really want in this situation that I might feel too scared, vulnerable, or ashamed to ask for?

What is one thing that I'm scared people will think of me, and how is this actually true and useful for me?

What do I want to change about my people pleasing habit

This reflection makes it clear why we do it and what caused people pleasing to be ingrained in us in the first place.

Recovering from People pleasing

Start small.-

Begin by setting boundaries in low stakes situations

declining invitations to events etc.

declining requests that you don't have time or desire to do

Gradually work yourself up to more significant situations practicing assertiveness along the way.

Learn to tolerate discomfort

Recognise that asserting yourself and setting boundaries may initially feel uncomfortable or cause anxiety

Embrace the discomfort as a sign of growth and remind yourself that it's necessary to prioritize your own well being.

Strengthen your sense of self

When we are people pleasing we are placing our self worth on another person

With journaling, self care, setting personal goals and new hobbies, you can construct and identity independent of others opinions.

The Intention Interrogation

Ask yourself a specific question before agreeing to a request:

"Am I doing this because I genuinely want to, or because I'm afraid of potential consequences?" 

This can delay automatic people pleasing reflexes

Cut toxic people off

If someone is using you for their gain, it’s time to create distance.

Limit your availability and emotional investment

Create space between yourself and toxic relationships

And Trust your instincts

The 24-Hour Rule

Make it a commitment to not immediately respond to requests.

Give yourself a full day and then decide if you actually want to do this.

Get therapy

If people pleasing has a deep impact socially or otherwise on you consider therapy

It's really helpful against people pleasing if nothing else helps

That's it lovelies

People pleasing is a destructive social mechanism of ours that we developed in young years.

Unfolding these behaviours and taking a stance against pleasing others frees ourself for positive change and levelling ourselves up

[rose-tinted-kalopsia]

on "voyage of the outcast"; a psychological analysis with a look into identity, feelings of inferiority, and the glorification of self-sacrifice.

LONG OVERDUE, THIS TOOK FOREVER ?? mentally im not over his story branch and i think about it OFTEN and i have a LOT OF THOUGHTS.......... this'll actually focus less on the story branch (and the potential parallels) itself, but more on what, personally, i think could be the implications!!! 🥰

warnings :: spoilers, +this is quite long! 😭

i'll preface this by saying that . confession time!!!!!! i didn't expect a lot out of this because mostly because i was initially pretty worried about how they would connect the last time we saw xavier (at philo) with the current point in the story, especially given that we ended on a point of a cliffhanger and xavier's and mc's relationship had not developed anywhere near close at that point. but i'm actually pretty impressed with how the writers handled xavier's branch... and i'm more than grateful that infold didn't fuck it up as much as i thought they would 😭

with that said...

HOLY SHIT DID THEY GO HAM WITH THIS 😭😭

and parallels and references aside, i really am quite happy that they perpetuated something i've been waiting to look into more in-depth for a while—because i feel that in these chapters, we get to see a lot of how xavier's upbringing has really shaped the way that he carries himself. sure, we've already seen it quite a bit in his limited cards, but seeing it in the main story hits more, especially when... there hasn't necessarily been a deep level of relationship development between the two yet.

which, the branch may reference his lightseeker myths and the anecdote "when shooting stars fall" a lot, but i'm glad that this gives the same desired effect even if you didn't get a lot of his cards (especially limited ones). because thankfully it's at least made pretty clear that xavier and mc haven't had the chance to develop their relationship very much past what we know in the main story itself. they're not in a relationship at this point, which, according to the cards, seems to really only get to that point after "21 days"...

so this brings us back to the xavier that we're more familiar with from before that card. the xavier who's still figuring out how to accept the parts of himself that had become a lot more fragmented throughout the years. the xavier who doesn't know how to do it yet, but the xavier who's still trying.

i know i did go into his upbringing and whatnot in some form of detail in my lumiere analysis (here, in case you maybe want to go through that too <3), but i'll expand on that a little bit here!! so how this will go, as much as i can keep it within the outline, is something like background + personality -> relationship. overall, we'll look into how each has influence over the other, and how that ties in to what we see in "voyage of the outcast"!!

++ a lot of these may be a little complex, but with the best of my abilities i'll try to break it down so its easily digestible !!!!!!! but, like... i'll disclaimer here again with this being my own personal speculation, from my understanding of his character hehe <3 so take it with a grain of salt? maybe? whdjsjfhhs

i. background and personality notes.

long-established is the fact that xavier has been depicted as royalty. at his core, he's the prince of philos—heir to the throne, someone who is to lead philos and its people when the current king no longer can.

...but he's also not been very happy about it. he'd distance himself from his family, and his duties, as much as he's able to...

and again, what does mc see when they first meet?

—"they say he doesn't live on campus because his family background is complicated, and many people have seen him surrounded by bodyguards."

—"they aren't clad in all black as one would expect, and they keep a respectable distance away from xavier. still, these people exude an air of oppression. xavier, with his bag, is at the center of their group. it seems he's used to being stared at. the only difference is that rather than being his usual expressionless self, he appears slightly upset."

—"'you appeared to be upset, so i thought you wanted to be free.'"

—"'i wish xavier is free to do what he wants.'"

she says all these things because even she recognizes him to be trapped. this is the mc that doesn't know him, isn't close to him yet at this point—but this is what she observes.

and this is the core of what we'll be looking at this time which i would section off into: (a) the nature of a prince, (b) constraint and psychological resistance, (c) incongruence of identity, and (d) feelings of inferiority. all of that, then, will tie into their relationship as a whole !

because if in the lumiere analysis we zeroed in on how this feeling of being "trapped" affected his identity—which, arguably though, is a big point so we'll get back to it nonetheless under section (c)—this time we're going to try to look into why these issues with his identity mean so much.

i. - (a) ; the nature of a prince.

something i do wish we had (or may get) more insight into is what exactly his life was like in philos x.x largely what we know of can only be inferred, because the story is being told through mc's point of view, and technically mc doesn't get too deep into the kind of lifestyle each of the LI's have.

with that being said... xavier, in his lightseeker myths and the 'when shooting stars fall' anecdote, still does encapsulate typical princely duties. there's the formality of royalty, the responsibility that comes with a higher status... a prince is high-ranking, a prince is a noble, a prince is royalty. there's a certain sovereignty involved with the title, and in that effect—we all know that there's a certain air of elegance and poise that xavier generally carries himself with, whether that be in his swordfighting, or the words he uses (he has pretty eloquent speech sometimes), the books he reads... even little things, like the calligraphy he does, his handwriting, the slow dancing, playing the piano. he's well learned, and it's clear that he's been trained truly in the image of a prince.

and he's calm. collected. for the most part, we've seen him deal with adversities in a way that's almost chillingly calm; and for the most part, he portrays himself in a way that feels as if it's not easy to get him to lose that calm. again, it's why we as the audience tend to be so shocked when he does—maybe incredibly, even, especially with misty silhouette as of late. he gives this image of someone who does not often lose control of his emotions...

but it's never been because he wants it that way.

along with all of these things, comes the duty of being a prince.

a prince is high-ranking, a prince is a noble, a prince is royalty. again, there's a certain sovereignty involved with the title. but more than that, is the responsibility of holding such a high status.

xavier is the crown prince. he's the next-in-line. he's expected to take the throne after his father's death, and that means being able to lead and care for the people of his nation—or, well, planet, i suppose, in this case, philos. that's a heavy burden to bear. he's already likely faced with all these lessons, to exude a princely demeanor, and all that formality, and speciality, and elegance, and poise—and now he has to keep in mind that the satisfaction and the safety of this planet will fall directly into his hands when the time comes.

we know later on in his lightseeker myth that this means much more than we think it does—because it means being aware of, and accepting, and condoning the sacrifices that go into keeping philos safe, for, well... exactly that. to keep the people safe.

—"...I knew you'd catch on. However, it is a necessary duty of the crown prince. It is also the King's responsibility."

—"Xavier! Listen to me. A King cannot act on his emotions or only protect the people he holds dear. Your duty is to protect Philos. You must only do what is necessary."

his duties are outlined. he has to protect philos. he must only do what is necessary.

it may be the topic of another conversation entirely, but the whole debacle with philos is really just that whoever is on the throne has to answer: "which is it that men cannot live without? a blessing that leads to damnation, or a freedom that leads to deprivation?" [joshua rosfield and the ff16 writers, thank you for this quote that lives in my head rent free] and like, hell. that's a difficult choice to make.

it's also worth noting that although the context here is somewhat dark, this is a rule that applies to general leadership—there is not much room to be selfish, because you have to think about the people under your care, or rule, or jurisdiction. it's a responsibility that falls on your shoulders for you to bear, for you to make the right call, the right decision—that is the value that the xavier's father is trying to instill in him.

because he is the crown prince.

because he will soon be king.

and heavy is the head that wears the crown.

...only, xavier has never once been receptive of it.

i. - (b) ; constraint and psychological resistance.

we go back to, again, "when shooting stars fall", and the very clear recognition mc has of his lack of freedom.

because that's what it is.

lack of freedom.

because duty is the enemy of freedom.

and xavier, given his position, is undeniably plagued by all of these duties and these obligations and these things that fall to him-

yet, he's never wanted any of it.

though not explicitly confirmed in the game itself, the setup that's implied leads us as the audience to believe that xavier has never enjoyed his royal duties, never found that it was something he desired. it could be that he wanted many other things, but has never been allowed to enjoy these things. in "when shooting stars fall", he's often lonely; often surrounded by these "bodyguards" and rarely interacting with other people in the academy. he believes that these figures restrict him from watching the meteor shower with mc, too. it's possible to think that he's believed, all that time, that he had no say in the things that he does...

because he has to be molded into the perfect image of a prince.

that's where it comes in: the constraint.

something that limits one's freedom of action or choice.

it may or may not be what happened in actuality, but it's clear that by the time anecdote 3 happens, xavier had developed into a person with the misbelief, conditioned, that he was not allowed to do as he wished. it could be the strict training, it could be the things they might have kept from him when he was little.

but xavier believed that there was nothing that he could do.

in a sense, this brought about a sense of learned helplessness.

learned helplessness is the learned feeling that one has little to no control over a certain situation—and because of the lack of control, feelings of helplessness, or passivity, or a lack of motivation to take action, end up resurfacing. it could mean overlooking opportunities for relief, or change—it means basically accepting the situation as-is, without bothering to try to get out of it. "it is what it is." "i can't do anything anyway, so why should i still bother?"

this is the xavier that we meet at the beginning of anecdote 3.

— "I can't." "Is it because of those..." I hesitate, wondering what to call them. "People?" Xavier appears shocked, and then he nods without saying a word.

— "Don't be sad. I'll just go by myself... I'll bring your wish to the stars when I do. What's your wish?" "I don't have one." "How could someone not wish for anything?"

however...

it changes.

the xavier at the beginning of that anecdote is not the same xavier we see at the end of it.

mc makes various comments; talks about how he's smiling more, and we see him more deliberately avoiding the company of those "people" in favor of being with mc instead. he's found something he wants, and he makes the decision that this is worth fighting for. it breaks him out of that mold of learned helplessness—

only to have it ripped away from him through mc's death.

this anecdote is painful because he realizes that he doesn't have to be trapped anymore... but it's a moment that's short-lived.

and it builds.

it builds.

it's very likely that the end of that anecdote haunts him for years on end, builds up a certain sense of resentment and disdain for the universe, for his circumstances, and builds more of that rebellious nature.

when we see him in his lightseeker myth, that learned helplessness is gone.

and instead, it switches to the opposite end.

xavier is more headstrong. he's no longer passive, no longer the boy who was unsatisfied with the restrictions but sat still and did nothing. he literally walks out of his conversation with the king, and he's seen multiple times in the myth defying what's expected of him.

but because it's gotten to the point where he's at the opposite end of the spectrum...

he'd develop, instead, what would be called psychological resistance.

maybe not the concept in its entirety, sure, but the very core of it—that is, displaying these paradoxical, opposing behaviors in response to what he'd be told to do.

it's, in a way, that xavier would have himself feeling stuck nonetheless; because he's so insistent on rebelling against all of this, that the more he's told he's a prince, or that he has to do this, or that, or help philos, or whatever, he completely turns his back on it. i would argue that at this point he is being less objective of the situations and, going against the expected conduct of a prince, gets overly emotional—at this point, the only thing that matters to him is mc.

we get to see the full extent of exactly why xavier is emotionally unstable, because he keeps fluctuating between the two extremes of dealing with all the constraint he's experienced.

i. - (c) ; incongruence of identity.

it get worse, naturally.

to set the stage for this, i'd bring forth the concepts of "congruence" and "incongruence" of identity.

so when we talk about congruence, this refers to the fact that there is a balance between our ideal selves (aka who we want to be) and our actual selves (who we are currently). this means that we basically accept who we are, either that we feel like we are already our ideal selves, or we recognize that though we might not be at our ideal stage, we know how to work to achieve it. there is no conflict between who we are and who we want to become.

incongruence is the opposite of that, and refers to the imbalance of the self. who we are now is not who we want to be, but we don't like that idea. we don't know how to work towards it. it makes us upset, and we may reject ourselves completely to pursue the sense of idealism.

and xavier falls heavily into incongruence.

there's more to it—

according to james marcia, there are four (4) statuses of identity: identity foreclosure, identity diffusion, identity moratorium, and identity achievement.

foreclosure refers to committing to an identity and accepting it, without exploring other options: you'd rather just blindly accept values and ideas and identities that other people suggest, without bothering to consider other options. it's most clear that xavier falls under identity foreclosure.

(diffusion refers to no identity commitment, and no exploration of identities; there is no strong sense of who you are as a person, neither is there any sense of actively trying to work on it. moratorium includes actively exploring options, but not being able to settle into one identity. achievement is the ideal, having explored options and willingly chosen the identity that feels right to you.)

so we have the xavier who's initial identity was chosen and laid out for him without much of his own say in the matter, and because he doesn't want the identity, because it's forced onto him, he develops such an aversive reaction to it that it proves to be quite harmful to the stability of his mental state.

something i've talked about a lot, is how this state of his identity is a cornerstone to the things we see him struggle with, in the main story and in his cards alike, and especially in his relationship with mc. and it sets the tone for the xavier that we see and interact with, as well as the character arc he has to go through to grow into a better person.

once again, it pulls out the fact that he needs to learn to accept who he is as a whole. what he keeps doing is striving for an ideal, striving to become who he "should", as far away from his princely identity as possible. but it's necessary for him to realize that even the most conflicting parts of him are still.. well, him.

the more we attempt to be who or what we are not, the more we remain the same. but when we acknowledge and become what we are, we open right new possibilities for change.

it's not necessarily a matter of blindly accepting your faults and not bothering to change that, but acknowledging the parts of you that you refuse to acknowledge, because you can't just... ignore who you are. like xavier has been very keen on doing.

i. - (d) ; feelings of inferiority.

i want to preface this section by saying two things: (1) that inferiority is a word that's thrown a lot very casually, but actually means something different than what general media portrays it to mean... and, (2) that all of the LI's show conflict with feelings of inferiority, in very different ways, and this is not limited to just xavier!

and to understand what inferiority really means, we go back to the person who coined the term in the first place: alfred adler.

so alfred adler is this guy who's basically responsible for what we call "individual psychology", and the very very basis of it is that people are driven by a need to feel that they are significant, and that they belong. there's heavy emphasis on the importance of relationships and social environments, and— a person is influenced by how they interpret events that happened to them in the past.

i hope you see where i'm going with this !!!!

when we relate this to xavier... we can recall how under learned helplessness, it was primarily xavier's view of how he was treated, that he developed a sense of passivity. when things change and he loses mc despite finally learning how to rebel a little, his view changes into one stained more with frustration and disdain—so he works against the situation and rejects it.

the fact is that we as the audience don't know how he was really treated. sure, we can make inferences, but we're just about making the same inferences that mc and xavier do. it's a limited perspective. and what matters the most in a limited perspective is how it's interpreted. we can see clearly how xavier has interpreted his narrative, and it therefore results into his behavior.

so where does inferiority come in?

it does get kind of intense, because individual psychology is closely related to early childhood. so the theory goes that everyone's born with a little bit of inferiority—and then, as kids, or as babies because we strive for the attention of our parents to help fulfil our basic needs we develop this kind of habit of striving to get rid of that inferiority. baby wants food (sense of inferiority and dependance), baby cries (tries to get attention to get rid of the feelings of inferiority).

so it goes that if the child gets the proper care that they need, then problem solved. but inadequate nurturing... means the problem gets worse. we'd go back to learned helplessness, because then the child would feel like they have no control over their surroundings. and while this is normal in small amounts, if it isn't addressed, compensation is just not enough anymore.... and then they would strive for even more.

overcompensation.

and overcompensation leads to an inferiority complex.

now, an inferiority complex isn't what you might be thinking, because it doesn't necessarily just mean seeing yourself as... less than someone. in fact, it's not even about comparison, really, it's just... the feeling of not being enough. it's a lack of self esteem where the feelings of inferiority that all this started with just, haven't been dealt with at all. so it's a cycle of constantly trying to compensate, and compensate, and compensate... it's the need of someone to feel special because they can't accept themselves as flawed. (it's unfortunate, because everyone is flawed... including themselves.)

(it gets worse, because if even that gets left unchecked, it develops a superiority complex which is kind of the same concept, but instead focuses on looking for the "easy way out", like borrowing authority or luxury or power from other people and living according to other people's value system)

but, i digress, because in xavier's case, his sense of inferiority stems from the identity forced upon him. given his background that we went over, there's a lot of pressure involved... and it is once again inferred that he does not have, or does not view that he has, a good relationship with his father (one would assume, including his mother, though i don't believe his mother has been mentioned anywhere?). it's a sense of a lack of nurture; the fact that he has felt as if his needs were not being met and instead pushed aside for something like the "greater good of the people of philos", or something along the lines.

he has to do something about it.

it goes back to the cycle.

the learned helplessness is pushed aside, and he keeps doing things because he has to. and it could be due to the belief that it's what will make him worth anything.

he has to.

except instead of directing his determination necessarily towards the planet he was supposed to lead... because he's so aversive to his identity as a prince...

he directs that towards...

mc.

he has to help her. he has to save her. he'd give rise to the whole lumiere thing to save her, even despite how much he despises resuming an identity similar to the prince of philos.

he has to.

(which, side note: i do believe that his sword fighting also somewhat stems from an inferiority complex, because of the line:

"it's not that i like it. it's the only thing i've been good at since i was a child."

(implying; his need to still feel good at something despite a lack of enjoyment... almost as if compensating for something.)

ii. xavier and mc.

so what does all of this mean for their relationship?

evidently, at the time of voyage of the outcast and the general main story, none of these issues are addressed. this is not like the lumiere myths, not like 21 days, no restraint, floral blessing—this is the xavier who's still largely unstable on the inside but trying to put on a brave face.

there's a lot of things he doesn't know how to navigate.

but the one thing he is sure of is:

mc.

always mc.

she's important to him and he loves her and he has always loved her. this is the person who was the catalyst to him believing that freedom was possible.

and we've had this whole thing established, that he's so insistent on keeping her around that—he doesn't know what to be. he doesn't know what to do. he wants her around, he wants her to like him—

but what does she like?

there's too many sides of him, and he recognizes that this mc in this timeline is her own person. what should he be? he doesn't want her near whatever princely persona he's had in the past—but what if that's what she wants? he wants to show her the person he wants to be, but what if that's not what she wants?

how does he navigate that?

it's the baseline of where he starts—why we see him aloof, and vague, and a little cyptic. he wants to be careful with his words not just to protect her and not just for nonintervention principle... but also because he wants to figure out what she wants, and really wants to make her like him.

he doesn't want to lose her. he doesn't want to mess up and have her go to another guy, he doesn't want this to be a timeline where he can't win her heart.

it's there again, the determination—

he has to.

he has to.

he's doing all these things, working in secret to protect her—he can't lose her. and he's not enough, so he has to do something to compensate that. he wants her approval, he wants praise, he wants her to like him.

when we go back to voyage of the outcast, there's still a lot of that same xavier that we start with—he's still struggling with all of these ideals, the interaction of all that he's grown up with and the things that he has to learn how to navigate.

he's still a little vague, still a little cryptic...

but he's trying, most of all.

he puts in an effort.

— "Isn't there something you genuinely want to ask?"

— "Oh... You're asking if I have a hidden side to me like Soren?"

— "You must have more questions."

he's giving her a chance.

even if the way he answers are still lacking in explanation—it's a step forward nonetheless.

and they do talk about it, that sequence by the basketball court has so much to it, because in one way or another, he's still trying to express his thoughts, even if it comes out, again, still a little vague.

"Perhaps it's because he looks like a good student that makes him the best at doing things behind the scenes. After all, people don't write their secrets on their faces. The calmer the water's surface, the easier it is to hide dangerous undercurrents."

even mc recognizes it:

— "Even though I'm so close to you, experienced all these life-and-death situations with you, I still cannot seem to fully understand you."

but why i say he's trying is that, in theory, he understands what he's lacking in. at this point in the story, he knows he's doing things to mask and pick and choose what he shows her, he recognizes that it's not what he should be doing:

"But... the parts of me you think you know and the parts you think you don't know... They make up who I am. All of me, right here in front of you."

it's just that, knowledge is often different from practice.

from the xavier we see here, you get the image that he knows what he should be doing, but he doesn't quite know how to get there. he knows what he wants to tell her, but he doesn't know how to express it properly.

and it's why when we get to The kindled scene, we're pulled back into the xavier that still hasn't come to terms with himself and what he wants, the xavier that falls into the shadow of himself that can't help but be so aversive to his princely duties.

we pull together the insecurities, the incongruence— the inferiority complex.

and we end up with the glorification of sacrifice.

this is something i've always always wanted to get into, and again, similarly to inferiority, it's present in all the LI's, but xavier's really makes you think, you know?

because for being so aversive to his role as a prince and everything that philos has done/has planned to do to queen mc especially, you'd think he'd be just aversive to the role of sacrifice, in general.

(i mean, i know i would be! 😭)

it's like— if i'm already that aversive, then i'd rather find some kind of workaround to it than bother giving into the sacrificial needs of the planet, just to challenge what's supposed to be, you know?

— "A planet that uses... ... ...to survive.... doesn't deserve to be saved." [ <- do you see the aversion? there's so much hatred and disdain in this! ]

and yet, that's not what xavier does.

— "Starfall forest... will stop once it has enough power..."

— "I couldn't... I didn't protect you before. At least... it chose me this time..."

he was very clearly planning on having the forest take him. it's even further pushed by him recognizing mc to be there, but... the bottomline falls to the fact that he was willing to be the sacrifice that was needed instead.

the contradiction is there, no?

he doesn't want to save the planet, not at all, but yet he'd offer himself.

and although this falls to my personal speculation, when you draw references from his background, there's once again the fact that he grew up with all of these ideaologies. his parents were the first sources of influence—and then whoever had been with him through his growth, and trainings, or whatever else as a prince. and he was learning all these things in philos, the very planet that did use sacrifices.

and upset though he always has been about learning of the sacrifices, it's not as if the planet condemned mc for being the sacrifice... if not, well... glorified her, somewhat. they called her the perfect sacrifice—the life force of the planet. they held importance in what they believed to be "true immortality". moreover— "her duty was to save philos, because her existence worked in such a manner."

it wasn't just "whatever" to them, and they surely didn't treat her like shit just because she was a sacrifice.

it feels as if, the theme goes as "you're doing a good job being the sacrifice. your sacrifice will save us and that is worth something to be thankful for."

and even if xavier is clearly averse to the idea... again—the fact remains that he was brought up with the entire theme of sacrifice surrounding him.

we circle back to inferiority.

there's that certain sense of belongingness, or approval, that was never fulfilled in his childhood, so much that he began to resent everything altogether, enough to rebel so much, the way that he did.

but it stems from what he never received.

and while he may not care anymore for approval from the people of philos, what he does care for is mc's approval.

because again, mc is the only one that truly matters to him, the one he focuses on the most, the one he's doing all of this for.

he has to do something to compensate, he has to do something so that she'll love him.

the same line of thinking that we said earlier he'd come to terms with knowledge-wise, that he's trying to be more genuine instead of chasing after compensation and praise and compensation and praise—

but again, in this scene, it falls back.

he's lost sense of reasoning, the evol, the protofield, they're all affecting him... and we go back to that sentiment.

he has to do something. to protect her. to save her. to be...

noble.

the only issue with that is in this moment, he's faced with the prospect of sacrifice. and he's thinking, "fuck it, this will make her happy—i can save her—i can do something—it will give me some worth."

he's sucked back into that shell, and the option in front of him is sacrifice, which he's likely long grown up with surrounded by glorified opinions of.

it's his duty.

he has to.

and it's just so gut-wrenching to think about, because he loves mc so much that it bypasses even every ounce of aversion and resentment (that she triggered long long back), and he would do anything for her.

the xavier that we see in this scene is raw, and lost, and in pain....

he loves her so much that it hurts.

... but, there's beauty in the way that this teaches him firsthand what he's missing, too. he learns to trust her more, learns to rely on her more... enough so that he drops a good portion of the aloof, distant-ish act he'd been generally having after this scene.

— "Your power will keep me safe."

— "It's as if he's already at the finish line with the answers. He's quietly waiting to see if l'll join him or choose a different path."

voyage of the outcast ends on a hopeful note for their relationship, because there is the premise that he's going to start being a little more true to himself from here on.

i think it's interesting to go through this again after floof attack and misty silhouette, but there's definitely a stark contrast and some sort of progression actually involved with the way they're progressing the main story—it does feel natural, not forced, not rushed, because xavier and mc are still at the pount where neither of them are ready to be romantically involved...

but they're getting there. slowly. steadily.

and it's really nice to see the growth, that i can't wait to see how xavier will continue to grow from hereon out 🥰🥰🥰🥰🥰

THIS TOTALLY GOT A LITTLE MESSY TOWARDS THE END.... I SWEAR THIS IS LIKE. THESIS DISSERTATION CORE. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW LONG ITS GOTTEN WJFJWNBGEJJF BUT IF YOUVE MADE IT THIS FAR TY FOR LISTENING TO MY RAMBLES !! 😭😭😭✋✋✋✋

i think about his story branch a lot but specifically the basketball scene and the one at the end with the lil shared earphones... im gonna sob in the corner i actually want to hold him in my arms so so gently 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭

[bloggingboutburgers]

Consider me one of your younger followers who's still trying to figure out their aroace-ness.

How do i really know im aroace when i dont even know how love is supposed to feel like? Sometimes, i think i like a few ppl just a little bit. I have seen myself turn a little gay for some women. (Idk if there's a better way to say it) and feel jealous of other women having partners(mostly male partners)

I do relate to being aroace. But sometimes these doubts come up.

Am i really aroace? Or it it just a phase of mine?

P.S I love your comics🤍

Sorry for the late reply! TwT

I'll be honest, from personal experience... I don't know how love is supposed to feel like either. I thought maybe I felt it in the past but it never got remotely close to things that are described ad nauseam to us in media and popular culture. I never got it. The biggest emotional high I ever got was making sincere friends or feeling connected to my family or accomplished with art. So I came to the conclusion that I'm aro. I don't think a gay person ever understood what it feels like to be attracted to someone of the opposite gender either, so... That's my reasoning for it I guess. I'm aro SO I can't be expected to understand romance. That's kind of the point in my head. And even then, aromanticism is a broad spectrum, so it's very possible it's full of people whose understanding and feeling of romance varies or may even fluctuate.

So to be honest, if you feel that "aroace" defines you properly, and because it's a pretty wide spectrum, I'd say that yes, you really are, and no, it's not a phase, and heck, even if that understanding of yourself came to change for a different orientation in the future, that's OK too. What matters is that you feel happy with yourself.

...I'll also add tbh that being aro and ace is kind of a losing deal cus even within LGBTQ+ spaces you're gonna be invisibilised and othered, so... I doubt you'd be calling yourself "aroace" just to be temporarily cool or whatever. It was never perceived as cool or a good thing by society at large. It's a battle one doesn't pick. If throughout all of that invisibilization, allosexual and alloromantic-spamming and looking-down-upon you still managed to come to the conclusion that it's a good definition for you, I'd say that's pretty telling. I dunno.

On one last note, I'm not sure if the jealousy you feel of other women having partners is directed towards the women because they have partners, or towards the partners because they're with these specific women, but if it's the former at the very very least, I don't think it's incompatible with being aro. Again, society spams us so much with the idea that having a steady romantic partner is the only way you won't end up alone in the world, that it's hard not to be scared of being lonely when we have that identity sometimes. And the alternative sounds so much easier, even if we couldn't get it the exact same way most people do unless we forced ourselves to act in a way that's not "us" deep inside.

...Welp, that's my feelings on it at least, but yeah, the asexual and aromantic spectrums are so wide in the experiences they cover that I couldn't hope to cover everyone's experience within them. I just hope that this helped you feel a little more confident about it. With the way society is, it's made very hard for us not to doubt ourselves sometimes, but I don't feel we deserve to doubt ourselves that much.

I dunno. That's how I feel about it at least. I hope that helps TwT

(Also thank you so much for the kind words!!)

[inevitably-ineffable-husbands]

Crowley's Past: Was He Archangel Camael?

With S2 now having been out for a few weeks, and the theories running wild, I think one of the unanimous beliefs within the fandom is that Crowley was SOME sort of Important Angel Before™. I touch upon the MANY clues in the various parts of my initial GOS2 Thoughts Meta, so I won't go into too many of those here, but inevitably this separate meta started out as the pulling-and-expanding-upon of the Archangel Crowley theory, primarily the "Raphael" theory, since I have loved that theory to bits since its inception early post-S1.

That was until my friend Peter finished watching the season early last week, and presented to me an alternative theory as to Crowley's identity that I thought deserved its own post breakdown, since I haven't seen this theory before.

NOW, I should make it clear I haven't been as DEEP in the fandom as many of y'all since S1 aired, so it's probably come up before S2 as just a light mention, but I personally haven't seen anything, so what follows is a joint speculation between my real-life, not-in-GO-fandom-spaces-whatsoever friend Peter, and myself, with my contributions being the expansion of his theory and linking it to what we already know.

The theory is this: Crowley might actually be Archangel Camael.

Please, PLEASE note that I am aware that authors and writers change things for creative liberty and originality, so please take this entire theory with a grain of salt (or go nuts with me, I'm happy either way!).

I'll TRY to keep this concise, but y'all know me. You can skip right to the "Conclusion" for a point-by-point breakdown if you don't want to read everything, but I hope you'll at least give me a chance to explain within the body of this meta.

I apologize in advance if any of my thoughts are a bit scattered. Here we go:

The Initial Text

Here is the initial text Peter sent to me after he finished watching S2 (and this was after I mentioned that the popular running fandom theory is that he's actually Raphael):

Okay… well - disclaimer I did not go to religious school and my biblical studies were a great many years ago. As I recall Lucifer was not one of the 7 archangels - he was meant to be but he rebelled before he was appointed (and there is some wiggle for a fictional story). So, based on what we have seen Crowley was one of the 7 but he hung out with the wrong people and asked too many questions. He never says his real name when we see him as an angel it is comically dodged - for a good reason. Crowley has a login and proves he had clearance way above a level 37th angel. He can see the top most important meetings… like he may have been allowed to attend in a previous life… And one line sticks out to me “one fallen prince has already gone to Hell. Two shows a problem.” As I stated Lucifer was not a Prince - we are not talking about him. Gabriel was banking on going to Hell like his “brother” - I’m guessing Camael, the one who Sees God - who ironically has cursed eyes now as a demon - the Prince of Fortitude (also Love and Charity). He often breaks his demonic spirit in cases of charitable needs or love. Crowley is one of the big Seven to be entrusted with creating the cosmos ;)

Naturally, this had a lot of things click for me, and I'm going to break them down below, with my additional research into the points that Peter made since he mentioned that he was going off memory.

Who Was Cameal?

When Peter mentioned this angel, it boggled my mind that I never actually recall knowing of this archangel. I went to a Roman Catholic school up until Grade 12, and with that comes Religious Ed classes, which also feature World Religions in the later grades. Funnily enough, I found out WHY I never heard of Camael:

Camael is not recognized by the Catholic Church due to the Vatican's decision to ban the veneration of angels not mentioned in the Bible [SOURCE]

Kind of explains why I only heard of Gabriel, Michael, and Raphael (which now adds another layer to a theory I will cover further down in "Does Crowley Remember?"), then.

Reading further:

[He] is the Archangel of strength, courage and war in Christian and Jewish mythology and angelology. [SOURCE] He is claimed to be the leader of the forces that expelled Adam and Eve from the Garden of Eden holding a flaming sword. However, in iconography he is often depicted holding a cup. [SOURCE]

A Flaming Sword, you say??? Interesting. Here's a good place to point out that there IS also a theory that Crowley and Aziraphale are one single archangel that was split into two (and Gaiman has stated that in original drafts of the original book, they were at first one character, so this fact might be an afterthought of that original idea). Also, interesting that this angel is depicted with a cup, traditionally used in Christianity to depict wine, which is Crowley's drink-of-choice. So, there's that.

Another standout point for me is the Adam and Eve bit (which I bolded above). The Snake of Eden is TECHNICALLY the instigator (the "leader") who encouraged the expulsion of Adam and Eve from the Garden. "Forces" in this reading of it could be the metaphorical definition of it; the knowledge of good and evil, and the desire to see beyond the Garden. AND also the Flaming Sword itself BEING the object of force given to the couple for protection.

Furthermore, Crowley's a strong and brave character, given all the shit he endures time and time again. Strength (and bravery for that matter) can mean many things: emotional strength, physical strength, possibly also a strength of character and an unwavering belief in the values one holds dear. I should also note that it's interesting that an angel of war, should Crowley indeed be this character, wants nothing to do with a war and is actively trying to stop one: an angel of War can absolutely NOT want a war, because he knows it's wrong.

And without the Angel of War up in Heaven to PREVENT any war at all? Well, they would just get all willy-nilly crazy on the idea of War without having any pushback on it, wouldn't they?

Kind of like how Gabriel was to be demoted (cast out) for denying Heaven a War. Funny old world, isn't it? Seems the parallels write themselves.

What's in a Name?

Because Peter mentioned the name meaning, I had to look into it myself, and indeed, one of the various meanings of Camael is apparently "he who sees God" in Hebrew.

As Peter stated above, I think this is very significant because it's seemingly only Crowley who has "demon" eyes that he himself cannot change. It's the ONLY part of him that always remains a constant, and why he is forced to hide them. We know from S1 and bits of S2 with Shax that other demons can change their eyes because we see them mimicking other humans time and again without the black eyes if they choose to.

Crowley's eyes could have been cursed specifically because was ordained as "the one who sees God" and possibly was the ONLY angel who ever "saw" a physical God in the literal sense (it's implied in the show that no one actually SEES a physical god). It's possible that Crowley being cast out literally burned his angelic eyes and left a visible scar that can't be fixed or erased – a forever-reminder of what he did and can no longer do. AND as the one who sees God, he indeed was a very high-ranking angel.

In the GO universe, I suspect he was indeed the FIRST Supreme Archangel, tasked with creating God's Vision (HAH) of the Universe. And when Crowley questioned what the point of creating such beauty was only for it to be destroyed, God (or, I suspect more likely, the other Angels) saw it as Crowley questioning their "vision" in the metaphorical sense.

Does Crowley Remember?

In light of Season 2, and some interesting exchanges and moments of Crowley with other angels, some people speculate (and as I watch the series more, I'm starting to also agree somewhat) that Crowley may not remember everything from Before.

Now, while I do like this theory a lot, and it makes sense with the context clues from S2, I don't think it's that he doesn't remember anything at all, however, as many versions of the theory postulates.

My speculation is this: what if, by having his Angelic Name removed from recognition in the Bible, and going through a similar Trial to Gabriel, THEN by Falling the traditional way, the memories are still there, but they're just a bit fuzzy and scattered? It could also explain why some of the other Archangels DON'T remember him... he was removed from the memories of other ranking angels (Saraqael is the only angel to seemingly remember who Crowley was, so I postulate that she WASN'T a top angel until fairly recently, because of the named angels in the next section).

The show brings up the Book of Life in S2 on several occasions, leaving me to believe that this will be an important item in the next season. What if the phrase "it will make it like you don't exist" literally means "don't exist in memories"? Maybe a Book of Life 1.0 existed at one time, and everyone who Fell was forgotten because their angelic names were removed. Because wouldn't that be more awful than never having existed? Remembering that you WERE something or someone, you had a name that you can't remember, that you WERE important to people and events, and having everyone around you who you considered family forget who you are? It's its own kind of personal Hell ... kind of like George Bailey in It's a Wonderful Life, a movie that references angels, funnily enough. And Crowley remembers the furniture being there but not where it all belongs. I think his memory haziness is also a side effect of Falling the traditional way (burning sulfer and all that jazz, possibly causes trauma amnesia?).

It's a stretch here, I know, but I thought I would put this one out there as a possibility as to what it could mean (given that Gaiman and Pratchett tend to "play on words" a lot, I think it is worth mentioning this as an alternative meaning).

In S2, when Gabriel was sentenced, the Trial stated that Gabriel would forget his time as Gabriel, but not his time as an angel. I think a similar thing happened with Crowley, only much more violently with the "burning the eyes out" and "staining his wings black" thing.

My friend Peter mentioned that the show avoided Crowley's Before-Name "to a comical degree". I reckon, rather, that Crowley just simply doesn't remember his Angelic name, and his changing of his demon names is him possibly trying to find an identity. I think he recalls it having started with a "C", maybe? And now he's a snake, so he's kind of crawl-y, must be "Crawley". As time moved forward and as he learned more and more about humanity, he changed is namee to fit in better. Having a full Human-esque name makes him feel more connected to the Humanity he prefers.

And because I'm a romantic sap at heart, I think he enjoys spending time with Aziraphale because perhaps some part of Azzie's presence helps Crowley remember bits and pieces of his broken memory. He is LITERALLY Crowley's Emotional Support Angel – remember Shax can read into people, it seems. Azzie brings comfort to him, and seeing another Angel that also questions the choices Heaven makes allows Crowley to feel less alone.

The Original Seven Archangels

It's brought up a couple to several times in S2 the point that "God loves sevens". I actually couldn't remember why Seven was such a big Biblical number so a bit of quick Googling reminded me that "Seven [...] communicated a sense of “fullness” or “completeness” [...]. This makes sense of the pervasive appearance of “seven” patterns in the Bible." (SOURCE).

And of course, after Peter had mentioned it, I had to look a bit more into who the Original 7 could possibly be. Wikipedia mentions it could be Michael, Gabriel, Raphael, Uriel, Camael, Jophiel, and Zadkiel.

Peter was correct in his assumption that Lucifer wasn't one of the original 7 archangels, so that leaves us with Raphael, Camael, Jophiel, and Zadkiel, if we're assuming that Crowley is one of these top Archangels.

I would also like to speculate that "God likes 7's" could also mean (if you allow me to reach a bit) "God's favourite angels are the initial 7". If Crowley happened to be one of these 7, it could explain why he's able to get into Heaven without raising alarm at all, why he still maintains his immense power that set off alarms in Heaven when it was used purposefully against Heaven, why he was able to access the Gabriel Files, and why Sarqael allowed Crowley to continue watching the Trial (because if God allowed Crowley access even when he's no longer an angel, then Sarqael has no reason to believe that he's still not important to God).

Perhaps, in Modern Day, only having four archangels making the decisions symbolizes that, indeed, God's not really calling the shots anymore – and hasn't been for a long time – and that the whole system is all broken and not complete.

It also begs the question: if Crowley was one of the Original Seven (if they are indeed going to go in that direction), what happened to the other three? Did they also suffer the same fates? Were they turned to Scriveners just like Gabriel was to be?

Here is where I will also throw out there that my random thought that Muriel possibly also may have been one of the other three, as my own expansion of this theory, but I digress.

Anyway, I think I found the original Fandom Wiki that Peter quick-referenced when doing his quick message to me, and it's very interesting:

How they were founded as a unit is unknown, but it is said that it happened during Lucifer's rebellion. When Lucifer rebelled against God, one entire choir of angels followed him and was lost. Many angels from other choirs also followed him in his rebellion. It is revealed that Lucifer was meant to be apart of the Seven Archangels as well, however, since his fall he was replaced by Camael. 

Disclaimer here that I understand that Fandom Wiki isn't THE BEST resource, but we're also talking about a fictional story that loosely references actual scripture, so I think it's valid enough, heh.

But I bring this point up because Peter links it to Metatron mentioning the "Prince of Heaven" falling, as Gabriel as being "another" one. "Another one" what?? We have to assume that Metatron means another "Supreme Archangel" as holding the title of "Prince of Heaven", meaning Gabriel was NOT the first and only Supreme Archangel. I don't think Metatron is referencing Lucifer here. In fact, they deliberately avoid saying a name. We just ASSUME that it was Lucifer because that's the "common knowledge".

If GO is going to reference the theory that Lucifer actually fell BEFORE becoming an Archangel, then that means in my theory Crowley became his replacement of the Original Seven. And given that he was possibly the One (and only angel, in my above theory) Who Sees God, he was in-turn given the position of Supreme Archangel, charged with creating, again, God's Vision of the Universe.

I think having Crowley be the one who witnesses Gabriel's Trial is important if we're going on the theory that they are mirrors of each other in S2. What if:

Crowley ALSO had a similar Trial when he questioned God (or the other Archangels) about "what's the point of" the destruction of the universe, then subsequently saying "nah" to having Armageddon 6,000 years before the events of S1?;

In said Trial, Gabriel was a presiding member, and, given that we know his prior cruelty from S1, he voted on Camael being cast out in a vicious and cruel fashion "for betraying God". Thus, his eyes burnt and forever scarred to prevent him from ever seeing God again, had his name and memories removed from the Book of Life, and sent to on a one way trip to Hell. I speculate this because Trial-Gabriel certainly believe he was going to "Fall" that way. I'd also wager Camael/Crowley was the last angel to ever "properly" Fall, which is why the modern angels still think that they do it this way, rather than the way they planned for Gabriel. I realize that this point DOES contradict my theory about the other missing Archangels quietly being erased and reassigned, but perhaps BECAUSE Gabriel is SO High up the chain, they HAD no choice but to make an example of him. Perhaps Metatron just quietly deleted the other Archangels' original names without anyone's knowledge.

We now know from S2 that regardless of an angel's status, the angels will veto against anyone who goes against their interpretation of The Great Plan. We now also know that the "Supreme Archangel" is also a "title only" job that has benefits only if you're going to go with the Majority Vote. And if you don't, they're going to make an example out of you.

And I reckon Camael/Crowley, just like Gabriel after, tried to "go his own way" (as quoted by the Metatron) and got banished for it.

Aziraphale really now has himself in a pickle, and I suspect that he will figure ALL of this out when he gets there.

And finally because this is the "Sevens" section of this meta, I also want to mention these "a-bit-reaching-but-still-plausible-theories" that I came across while I was researching:

This tweet speculates that Gabe is morse coding "7"

Michael tweeted 7 dots after S2 aired

CONCLUSION

While this theory doesn't outright bust the Raphael Theory (since there are some similarities with Crowley and Raphael within the theory), as well as the "he was Lucifer" theory (which I also really like, but Crowley mentioned in S1 he was "hanging out with Lucifer and the guys" before he fell, so... I'm more apt to not really run with this theory). BUT it does tie up a lot more things, and it connects things better than the Raphael one does, in my humble opinion.

The TL;DR of this entire post is this:

I think Crowley was an Archangel, that is the only CERTAIN thing I feel.

I think he was Camael, The One (and only angel) Who (Literally) Sees God. He was the First Supreme Archangel who created God's Vision of the Universe.

I think that Camael questioned the Council of Angels why they need to destroy beauty that God created. It didn't make sense to him.

They told him about Armageddon (the S1 one). As the angel of war, and as the Supreme Archangel who had final say, he said "nah". And he tried "to go his own way" to avoid Armageddon.

The Council and Metatron did not like this, saw it as blaspheming against God. Camael then had a Trial similar to Gabriel's.

I think this all happened shortly after the war that sent down Lucifer and the other rebelling Angels, so Heaven was still VERY tetchy about anyone who questioned God and The Great Plan. Because Camael was a Supreme Archangel, the original Prince of Heaven, this was seen as SEVERE betrayal of the Council. For the record, I think the "Before the Beginning" sequence takes place AFTER the War that created Hell.

My belief about the Book of Life is that its ACTUAL purpose is to remove people from being remembered, which is far worse of an existence for someone banished. A metaphorical interpretation of "removed from existence" simply could mean "and everyone forgot about you", à la It's a Wonderful Life, a movie that references "angels getting their wings".

Camael was sentenced in a way that would make an example of him to other angels to remind them of their place: He was cast out of Heaven, his angelic name erased from the Book of Life which caused his other Council Members at the time to forget him, and for him to have foggy memories in turn, although he KNOWS he was an angel (perhaps as a side effect of being cast out the traditional way, you are forced to remember that you once lived in Heaven). His eyes were burnt out to quite literally leave an unremovable scar so he could no longer "see" God and their vision, which explains why Crowley cannot ever change his eyes regardless of how he presents himself. He has to hide them away.

I think Crowley was the last angel to be cast out in this way. BUT because his ANGEL name was erased, none of the remaining Original Council angels (Gabriel, Michael, and Uriel) recognize him. I suspect Sarqael remembers him because she was NOT an Archangel at the time since she was not one of the Original Seven Archangels.

I also suspect that there are purposely missing Archangels for a reason, and the fact that only 4 rather than 7 seemingly run things symbolizes the problems in Heaven and that God has not been in charge for a long time. I think those missing 3 or 4 are actually Scriveners, who were quietly sentenced and erased by the Metatron, hence why Gabriel thought that he was going to be cast out like his predecessor. But because Gabriel WAS a Supreme Archangel, he HAD to be made an example of, just as Crowley before.

"Supreme Archangel" is a Title-Only job, and if you go against the Council, you are indeed made an example of. I think this is purposeful setup for S3 to show that Azzie is in DEEP shit.

EPILOGUE

I still want to expand upon my Angel Theory section from my S2 Meta, but for now, I am so pleased with how this turned out, and I hope you've enjoyed this Deep Dive into another Archangel Theory. I had a lot of fun with this one; I like learning about supernatural things, it's always interesting.

I am interested in others' thoughts on this theory, especially if your memory of your religious education is a bit better than mine! Feel free to expand upon this more, because I am an interactive blog, so it will be added to the post! <3

I hope you enjoyed, and thank you for reading!

[hydeingpurples]

Hey man! I always love hearing about others’ transition. I’m a trans guy myself who is just now identifying that way very recently and is navigating getting ready to start T and top surgery whenever I’m able as I am saving up. I’d love to hear about your journey and where you are now. 😊

🏳️‍⚧️ Testosterone and Top Surgery 🏳️‍⚧️ (UK) : Discovering Myself, Hormones, Top surgery, Where I Am Now

Hey buddy! I'm more than happy to tell my story so far. I'll pack as much into this post as I can, as it may be helpful to others too, so it may be a bit long, but I'll do it in sections 😊

🕵🏻 Discovering Myself 🧐

This bit was tough. I think it is for a lot of us. I knew deep down for several years that I wasn't a girl. I was terrified of the thoughts that were buzzing around my head, terrified of the things I was feeling. I buried it so deep. At university, I started to let go a bit. Friends around me came out as non-binary and trans, I figured it wasn't so bad. I experimented with pronouns and identities, and eventually I admitted to myself that I was just a guy. I came out to my family aged 21 by letter and it went really well.

Things were still a bit scary though. Trying a binder on for the first time was both exciting and daunting. It felt so freeing and right, but scary too because it meant that, maybe, I needed to get rid of my chest.

💊 Hormones 💉

Over time, the dysphoria got worse and worse. I was becoming extremely jealous of my best friend who was on testosterone (T) and features that other men had that I didn't. I struggled most with my period. At its worst, I spent hours in my flat toilet and the toilets at work crying and withering in disgust and vile discomfort. I'll never forget those feelings.

I knew I'd make it to the other end though one day because my friend had. And, fortunately, April 2023, that day came.

📝 Testosterone Prescription 😄

After jumping through a load of loopholes and sending my blood tests off, my GP/Doctor booked me an appointment. I thought it was just to talk to me about my blood tests.

I sat down and he talked to me for a bit. Nothing much, nothing special. Then, he started printing something out. He whipped it from the printer and handed me this lil slip of paper. It was a prescription letter.

You know how people say the world can stop? Or go in slow motion? That's exactly what happened. I must have spent an entire lifetime staring down in silence, in awe, at this little piece of paper. My eyes were welling up with joy. I looked at him and all I could do was thank him, over and over and over again. A great smile beamed on his face.

Upon leaving, everything was blurry. It was like I had tunnel vision. All I could see was this piece of paper. I stormed out of the building, called my Mom, and violently cried with joy.

"Slow down, I can't understand you", she said.

"I've got it. I've got it. I have a testosterone prescription!" I spluttered.

It took me a while to calm down, haha. I've never been so joyous.

🌱 Testosterone Effects Timeline 📊

⚠️Please note everyone's changes, intensity of changes, and rates of changes are different⚠️

Week 1: no voice drop, but my throat felt different; increased discharge downstairs; a little sweatier and took me longer to cool down.

Week 2-3: some hot flashes but not many; needed bigger meals.

After 1 month: period stopped (🥳); small amount of increased hair growth on legs; head hair started growing faster; more and slightly more intense hot flashes; subtle voice changes, easier to talk at my lowest level.

2 months: stamina increase, longer work time and shorter recovery time; voice slightly deeper; upper lip hair started coming through darker; increased peach fuzz hair growth on face, arms, legs, stomach, especially legs; increased spots on back.

Up to 6 months: how I felt and processed emotions changed (found it A LOT easier to process emotions, less chaotic mind); even more hair growth and a few random beard hairs; further stamina increase; my sweat and pee changed how they smelt which was weird; further voice changes; sometimes I had sudden bouts of strong hunger but not often.

Up to 12 months: increased downstairs discharge stopped; even more body hair (thicker, darker, curly), especially on legs; a few more beard hairs on chin; back spots decreased; voice a little deeper; face shape changes, boarder shoulders.

Up to 17 months (now): almost every area on my legs is hair; hair growth on butt and up butt; a few more beard hairs (that grow back pretty quick after shaving); warmer, more and longer got flashes, difficulties cooling down (I'm also extremely heat averse though so 🤷🏻); masculinising hairline (i.e receding at the front to look more masculine); much more noticeable voice changes, difficulties reaching higher tones, much easier to talk low.

Extra: I haven't experienced any bottom growth or change in libido at all. I've identified as asexual for a while now and still do, no changes at all. It's fairly common to experience bottom growth and some report a change in libido too, I just haven't 🤷🏻

🧑🏻‍⚕️ Top Surgery 😷 - double incision

I was terrified I wasn't going to get to this stage. I moved from Wales to England and both have different medical systems, so I was petrified of my surgery referral getting lost.

Fortunately, it didn't get lost. Once it was booked in, I had my consultation where I met the surgeon and her team, I was measured, told about the process and what could go wrong and what the solutions were.

Now I had a new fear: was this right? The self doubt was ridiculous. What if I regretted it? What if I hated my results?

The morning of the surgery answered these questions. My plan was that if it felt wrong on the morning, I knew I had the power to back out.

At 8:30am I was called to my surgery. I wrapped my arms around my Mom, a giant smile swallowing my face, and I said, "see you later!", and pranced down the corridor with the nurse. I was SO excited.

Going under anaesthetic was perfectly alright. It was insanely fast which I wasn't expecting. They started the anaesthetic and all I had time for was a few sentences before I was out.

🛏️ Recovery 🏥

💫I've got a big list of tips and tricks for top surgery recovery which might be best for another post because it's huge💫

Recovery actually wasn't too bad. When I woke up, the only discomfort I felt was a prickly feeling around the surgery site which they quickly sorted with painkillers. The day after anaesthetic was a bit rocky, I slept a lot and felt a bit icky, basically like a hangover. After that, all I felt was a dull aching in my abdomen for 3/4 days, otherwise no pain. I couldn't actually feel anything around my nipples or incisions, it was totally numb. The trickiest part was actually keeping myself busy so my Tourette's didn't damage the surgery site.

Once things had healed up a bit more and my stitches were out/dissolved away, I really started to appreciate my new chest. Unlike some people, I didn't have a super euphoria moment. For me, it's simply been total peace and relief since. I no longer think about my chest in any capacity. It feels natural, normal, right, and that, to me, means it was absolutely the right decision. It was what I needed.

🙋🏻 Where am I Now? 🙋🏻

It's been just over 10 months since my top surgery and my scars are fading very well. I'm very happy with the results. I've regained a substantial amount of sensation too in both my nipples and the incision scars. I've done a huge amount of scary care which I'm happy to talk about in another post so this one doesn't get any longer.

I'm fortunate enough to have had all of my records changed, I have a male passport, and I recently passed my driving test and have a full driver's license with my new name on it!

But, I think more importantly, I now feel more confident, I care about what I wear and how I look, I've found my style and what I like to wear, I look after my personal hygiene, and I feel like myself.

And that is where I am now 😊

I hope you've found this helpful in some way. There's a lot of information here. It was nice to type that story out. If you'd like anything else in more detail or have any questions, go for it!

[tumblydovereviews]

A Very Carl the Collector Thanksgiving

Well, Thanksgiving is here, and I'm grateful for a lot of things this year. I'm grateful to still be alive after my hospital scare (IYKYK), I'm very thankful for my family, friends, and good grades, but topically, I'm grateful for the fact that Carl the Collector managed to turn out to be much, much better than I thought it would be.

Before we start the official look into Carl, I just want to preface by saying that I am not autistic. I was tested, but never diagnosed or suspected to be, and I personally don't identify as autistic either. When writing this review, I knew deep down that my perspective on this show would be different from those who can relate to characters such as Carl and Lotta respectively, and I wanted to note that beforehand to prevent any confusion or contempt.

That being said, when I first heard the theme song for Carl the Collector, I was unimpressed to say the least. While the song wasn't bad per say, it wasn't necessarily all that great either, at least in regard to the standards that other PBS Kids shows have cemented. This outlook ultimately caused me to lose a tad bit of hype for the show. I was still looking forward to it, but not necessarily bouncing off the walls for it either.

On November 14th, Carl the Collector dropped on the PBS Kids Video app. I watched an episode or two, and I was pleasantly surprised.

The show has a different vibe from most other PBS Kids, and to an extent, most modern preschool shows, and that's a good thing. It's much more laid-back and calmer; the show is relaxing in the sense that it's not too slow and not too fast either, giving 2000s vibes in some sort of way. The plotlines of each episode are paced in the sense that they're not overly condensed with conflict but not too bare boned either.

Carl and Lotta may be autistic, but they aren't ostracized or treated as different. Carl's special interest in collections isn't necessarily a magical thing or an awful detriment- it's just a natural part of him. I especially love that the collections aren't always the center of the plot and occasionally just act as a catalyst. In 'The Fake Mustache Collection,' for instance, Carl's several collections are used to try and create differences between Nico and Arugula and serve as the contrast needed to help Carl's other friends tell the difference between the two identical twins.

The characters in general are easy to root for. Their motivations are apparent, and the reasonings for their actions are as well. Through their bond, themes of identity, belonging, and friendship are all displayed. The morals of the show that the narrative tries to convey aren't shoved into your face. It's honestly a good break from the more 'preachy' PBS Kids shows like Rosie's Rules. Those type of shows aren't bad but it's a tad bit exhausting to watch the same lessons being stated over and over again like a broken record.

This is a fairly short review for a variety of reasons. I wanted to get something out for Thanksgiving, and I genuinely want you to take a moment and watch the show yourself. A single segment is just 11 minutes long, and if you're in the United States or any other territories, you can watch the entire show and clips for free (as of November 28th, 2024) on the PBS Kids website or app. The cast and crew of this show have all done a commendable job in shaping Carl into the great creation that it is, and in a world where the future of American public broadcasting is becoming more and more uncertain, the importance of supporting your favorite shows has just become more significant.

So this Thanksgiving, in the midst of all the hustle and bustle, if you have the time, who not watch an episode of Carl the Collector? It's sweet, calming, and the perfect watch if you want to relax and just enjoy the moment.

Happy Thanksgiving, everyone!

[nabibeans]

Pride Month Special: coming out internationally.

Summary: Ateez have their first international fan sign, towards the end Hongjoong decides to share a personal detail about himself, the rest of the members follow suite.

~🏳️‍🌈~

Hongjoong was nervous; hands sweating as he fidgeted with them, his eyes glancing around the faces in the room. Seonghwa had noticed, though he couldn’t offer comfort other, not in the way he needed right now. Once the group was lined up properly the members glanced at their captain, his hands shaking as he gripped the mic. “Hello everyone, I uhm..it’s time for us to finish. And before we give our last message I wanted to say something.” His hands shook harder, heart hammering in his chest, nausea was beginning to swirl in his stomach, creeping slowly up his throat. “I..it’s pride month you know? Where we celebrate all queer identities. And I know there must be some of you that are queer and celebrate…but…” the bile rose into his throat, a gag making its way out. “I uhm…I…” , “Hongjoong-“ Hongjoong shoved the microphone into Seonghwa’s hands, just in time to run out the exit door. As soon as he made it over to the trash can he was heaving up his breakfast, why couldn’t he just say it? Why couldn’t he tell atiny!? A manager had come out to check on him, the man looked worried. “You okay kid? You don’t have to do this if you’re not feeling comfortable.” Hongjoong wiped his mouth, turning and sighing. “I’m nervous, I’ve never told anyone. Besides, I’m..in a relationship as well.”

The manager nodded, humming as he offered the boy a piece of gum. “Here, for your breath.” Hongjoong popped the gun into his mouth, cringing as the fruity taste mixed with the lingering vomit taste in his mouth. “Are you happy in your relationship?” Hongjoong nodded, “yes, I’m very happy in my relationship.” The manager patted his shoulder, “then go tell the world who you are kid. Tell them you’re in a happy relationship, show your fans the real you.” Hongjoong smiled, nodding. “I will, I just need a minute. I just threw up.” The manager nodded, “take your time.” Hongjoong sat on the floor, taking his phone out of his pocket. Turning it on his eyes softened as he ran a thumb over the lockscreen; a photo of himself and his boyfriend was there, they were laid in bed, kissing each other sweetly. Hongjoong’s arm was stretched out, clearly taking the selfie while his boyfriend had an arm around him. “You make me so happy.” Taking a deep breath he stood again, nausea crept back up as he opened the door, swallowing it down he stepped inside.

All eyes were on him; everyone looked at him as he walked back to his position beside Seonghwa. “I apologize for my absence. It seems I may have pushed it too hard.” Hongjoong ran a hand through his messy hair, then took the microphone again. “Anyway, as I was saying…I know there are a lot of atiny that are queer identifying and honestly…I think you guys, my atiny. Should know that…” he looked to his members, all of them nodding with smiles. “You should know that…that I’m gay. I like boys.” Hongjoong held his breath, waiting for anyone to reply. His heartbeat sped up again, suddenly there was a voice, “ah shit! I knew he was fruity!” The members erupted in laughter, and soon Hongjoong followed suit. “Fruity? I suppose I am.” Seonghwa turned to him with a smile, mouthing a ‘good job’ to him. Hongjoong smiled giving a thumbs up another voice came, “Hongjoong oppa, do you have a boyfriend?” Hongjoong smiled, then nodded. “ I do. I have a boyfriend.” Seonghwa held out his hand for the mic, the captain happily handed it over. “Hello atiny, as you know I’m Seonghwa! But..I’m also bisexual, and..” he wrapped his arm around Hongjoong’s waist, hugging the smaller male to his chest. Hongjoong looked up at him, eyes wide and jaw dropped, “and I’m Hongjoong’s boyfriend.” The crowd screamed , a few yelling that they knew it, others that they saw it coming. Yunho took the mic next, “hello I’m Yunho! I’m bisexual too!” Then Yeosang, “I’m Yeosang! And I’m queer, I prefer not to label my sexuality.” Hongjoong had tears in his eyes, hiding his face in Seonghwa’s chest. “I’m San! I’m bisexual like Seonghwa hyung.” , “I’m Mingi and I’m pansexual.” Wooyoung excitedly snatched the mic. “I’m Wooyoung! I’m gay! Just like captain.” The members watched as Jongho took the mic, arching a brow before shrugging. “I’m Jongho, and I’m asexual. But..I’ll make and exception for Yeosang.” Yeosang blushed hiding his face, his boyfriend definitely had a way with his words. Hongjoong smiled proudly, his queer little family had publicly came out just to support him.

“Thank you so much!” He smiled from Seonghwa’s arms. Pressing a kiss to his boyfriend’s cheek, “ah come on! That’s not a real kiss!” A fan called. The others started chanting along, “kiss kiss kiss kiss kiss..” Hongjoong turned to look at the managers who only shrugged then gave the thumbs up. “Better make it a good one.” He teased. Seonghwa smiled and shook his head, “don’t I always?” Tilting Hongjoong’s head up he captured his boyfriend’s lips in a kiss, the smaller male wrapping his arms around him as atiny cheered loudly. “Sadly, we do have to go now, but thank you for your support!” Hongjoong handed the mic back to the staff, taking his boyfriend’s hand as they left the fansign. Once they were out of earshot the small leader spoke up, “you guys didn’t have to come out just to support me! Especially you telling them you’re my boyfriend!” He slapped Seonghwa’s shoulder. “I like being your boyfriend thank you!” San smiled happily as they walked. “It’s okay captain! Next time I’ll tell them about Wooyoung and I.” San and Wooyoung held hands as they walked, smiling proudly. “You guys realize, you just came out as the first openly queer group right?” Their makeup noona spoke. The boys all nodded, they were proud of that fact.

Back at the dorms it was quiet; the eight boys had all eaten dinner as sat on the couch watching a movie. Hongjoong was curled up into Seonghwa, sometimes sneaking a quick kiss when they thought no one was paying attention. “Thank you for today.” He whispered, arms wrapping around his boyfriend. “You don’t need to thank me honey, it’s my job as your boyfriend.” Playing with Hongjoong’s hair the couple cuddled up on the couch, suddenly the lights flicked on. All eight men sat up turning to face the source, in the doorway stood their manager holding something in his hands. “You guys have no idea how proud the whole KQ family is of you. So..we all pitched in and got this.” The manager opened the material letting it flow, it was a large rainbow flag with Ateez’s logo across the front of it. “Oh my gosh it’s so cool!” Wooyoung was the first to run over, the rest followed behind. “Our own pride flag!?” San was excited. “For the first openly queer boy group.” The boys happily accepted the flag, “captain where should we hand it!?” Hongjoong thought for a moment. “How about above the trophy case?” The other members agreed, getting to work on hanging the flag. The manager left after bidding them a good night, leaving the eight alone again. Hongjoong yawned as he stood beside Seonghwa, “baby, let’s go to bed.” He whispered to his boyfriend. The blond nodded, taking his hand as they walked out of the living room to their shared room.

As soon as the door was closed Seonghwa grabbed his boyfriends waist, “come here you!” Hongjoong shrieked playfully as Seonghwa tickled his sides, pressing kisses all over his face. “Hey! You know I’m super ticklish!” The two stumbled back to their bed, their lips connecting in a kiss as soon as they hit the soft material. After a short make out session the two separated for air, “okay but for real, I’m tired.” Hongjoong removed his sweater tossing it to the floor, then shoved his pants off only leaving his tank top and boxers as he slipped underneath the blankets. “No pajamas?” Seonghwa asked. The boy shook his head, “not tonight babe. We’re off tomorrow.” Seonghwa nodded, removing his clothes as well before joining his boyfriend under the covers. The couple held each other in their arms, steady breaths filled the room as sleep slowly came. “I love you Seonghwa.” Hongjoong mumbled softly. Seonghwa smiled, watching his boyfriend drift off to sleep. “ I love you too, Hongjoong.”

// if this does well I’ll make a part 2 with ateez at a pride event

[lovesick-nagi]

okay, so ive made this throw away account to be able to respond to this,, will delete it once everything's worked out i guess?? not entirely sure,, and firstly id like to say that everything we're going to say isn't us trying to defend ourself,, what we did was fucked and wrong, end of story,, also im not actually going to comment on some of the things we did because i just genuinely dont know how nor do i remember any of it, and so i feel its safer this way for everyone im specifically going to be talking about our ex and why what they show isnt exactly,, trustworthy ( I am not calling them a liar however I do have proof from multiple sources that they aren't great and so I do not trust them in the slightest ),,, aswell as us trying to insult your identity also you only need to respond to this if you are comfortable, i truly dont wish to pressure you into anything you may be uncomfortable with

with our ex, specifically one of them however i truely don't wish for any harm to come to them so i will not be naming names, we have multiple people vouching on the fact they aren't a great individual,, aswell as us ourself having screenshots ( however it is just what i could get my hands on, as we closed our dm with them,, which does mean there is more that i cannot get ),,, if you'd like to learn more about this with screenshots and such id be happy to share if you reached out to us, as we physically cannot reach out to people

and with us trying to insult your identity,, that's not the case at all, we were trying to look out for you as fae/faer pronouns are extremely disrespectful to the fae and should be considered closed pronouns,, we were trying to look out for you so other people don't get aggravated with you for using them in the future,, the best way i can describe it is think of it as using a closed cultures practice with witchcraft, its extremely disrespectful and not something you can do, if that makes sense,, another example is how it's like shi/shir pronouns are only for intersex people,,, i do hope im explaining this well, if not i apologize for the confusion

i appreciate you for saying you forgive us, even though deep down i don't fully believe you,, nor do i even think you should forgive us as we really did hurt you,, we would be willing to get in contact to either talk this through or to showcase some proof we have, however yet again we ourself are incapable of reaching out

( also, the reason we may say things like "from what i've heard" or "what i understand" is truly because we don't remember anything but like,, one thing,, from our entire friendship )( also i should probably say that i didn't proof read this or anything, i definitely should have but i unfortunately didnt and its a tad to late for that now )

Hello again.....

So,, these two points to me are not really effective at all. First of all, you can provide any attempt at defaming your ex but that does not invalidate their experiences with you, which they have already provided proof of. Those are not lies or twisted in any way, it is just what you did. There is no denying that. Even if they were "untrustworthy", the proof is literally right there. I don't need to trust them to believe the factual proof they have presented.

I'm confused about how providing said proof of them being unreliable would prove anything,,, they've already provided logs and everything so they're not lying, and there are now four people having expressed their abusive experiences with you,, so what does trying to slander one of them do to make you look better ?? /gq Frankly, it's working more to do the opposite, because it shows you are still actively trying to blameshift and villanize others.

The reason they were not infact, "the best person", was because they were heavily impacted you and the terrible situation they were put in, and who wouldnt be ? They have since apologized to everyone they legitimately hurt during that time, the affected people accepted the apology, they made actions to better themselves, and have gotten into a better place. I cannot say the same for you.

No one has ever gotten "aggravated" because of my pronouns, which, for the last time, is because i have never used fae/faer in the first place. There was nothing TO be angered by, and there is no logical reason you could have ever said that as a mistake, as my correct pronouns are literally everywhere. It was just a purposeful misrepresentation of my identity, especially because you purposefully spelled them the wrong way. That spelling has never been listed anywhere on any of my socials and no one ever said them verbally. There was never room for misinterpretation.

Please do not try to mansplain closed things within being pagan or intersex, because I am both. If these are, as you say, "closed culture pronouns", even if I did use them, what culture are they closed to ? Pagans ? People who work with the fae ?? Hell, people of Irish heritage ???? I'm all of the above. This is ridiculous. I never even used those pronouns in the first place and there is literally nowhere you could have gotten that information from besides ignoring what my pronouns are actually listed as. There was literally no reason or justification for any of this.

Overall, these aren't even my main gripes with you. I'd say the main ones wereee...maybe getting physically abused for a year and sexually assaulted. Which you have still never apologized directly to me for, nor do I think any apology or excuse you would come up with could ever make better.

To my knowledge I have never claimed to forgive you. I said I forgive your exes, because they were also your victims, and their actions were influenced by that. I can understand were they came from, because we dealt with the same things from you. You are right to believe we wouldn't or shouldn't forgive you, we didn't ever claim to, and we never will.

You say you are physically unable to reach out, which confuses me as that is literally what you did by sending this. This ask is also not an anonymous one, meaning you can send images here, which you are free to do. I am interested in what you think would vindicate you in this situation, and would like to see.

You,, still could have proof read it, because you actively wrote down that you should have before you sent it, but okay. A small bit of advice, but as many of your askers constantly said, and you still have clearly not learned, you really should be more careful with what you say, especially in a situation as,, critical for you as this is. I look forward to seeing the supposed proof you have, feel free to try and prove me wrong with whatever you send in.

[beigepillow]

Don’t u think yashiro is abit too romantisized from the writer herself before the fandom , this is a really controversial thing to say but don’t u see yashiro is too feminine and he’s soft like this only bcz a woman wrote this , i mean by that the way yashiro views the trauma is from a woman’s pov which is same as the female writer view, add on that he has this trauma of him possibly being a woman, so if he’s doubting deep down that he could b a woman isn’t that comes from the fact that the writer romanticising him too much as a woman

Something is off and I don’t understand this I searching for an explanation

I am going to try to answer this but the ask is a bit confusing so I’ll go through my thoughts point by point. I am unsure if romanticized is the word you meant to use in this instance. To romanticize is to make something or someone better than it actually is so if you do mean that, I don’t think Yoneda Kou does romanticize Yashiro in that she is making him “work” for his happy ending. She could have written Doumeki as someone who forgave Yashiro as soon as he got an indication that Yashiro had changed but she didn’t. She also could have written Doumeki in a way that doesn’t care about Yashiro being monogamous and open with him but she didn’t so in that sense Yashiro isn’t romanticized or at least that is not the feeling I get from her writing. As for Yashiro’s reaction being from a woman’s pov, I think you chose an interesting way to word that since, in America and I’m sure many other places, men getting sexually assaulted is seen as emasculating and is thought to somehow make them less of a man. There is a deep sense of shame that actually prevents many men from coming forward because they don’t want to be seen as less than. Yashiro isn’t seeing his trauma from the woman’s pov, he is seeing his trauma as a man who regularly got demeaned for it. Whenever a character implies that Yashiro is a woman or is less than a man, they’re insulting him or Yashiro is perceiving it as an insult to him. I am not sure if Yashiro thinks of himself as a woman. I don’t really focus on Yashiro’s gender identity overall since a majority of my posts are about Doumeki lol. In my opinion, Yashiro actually isn’t feminine at all. He is actually a pretty masculine character. We focus so much on his vulnerable side that we forget Yashiro was a powerful figure in the yakuza who is capable of beating others. Ryuzaki attempts to “treat him like a woman” by protecting him and then has the revelation that it was Yashiro actually protecting him. Women are not welcome in the yakuza beyond sex or as their place as someone’s woman and Yashiro definitely doesn’t have that issue. I think Yashiro is more jealous of women than anything. He thinks only women get treated gently and women aren’t forced to be in the yakuza but both those things are attainable for Yashiro. Yashiro tries to gain back control by seeking out sex with other men but he tries to keep his masculinity by making it violent so it is all very complicated for him. Considering there is more focus on his genitals and accepting gentler touches, I think we’ll see Yashiro accept himself and his preferences in sex while not feeling ashamed and less of a man for it. That is just my interpretation and other people may have different interpretations. My answer got pretty long so I’ll end it here haha.

[gingeredmink]

what are your age hcs for tatsuki and soutarou? and misc hcs for urotsuki?

Gonna be blunt, head is a cluttered junkyard and I'm a rambler with zero self control when right conditions are met [you ask about Special Interests]. plus am tired and really out of it from work cause we had inventory and i ordered too many lunchables [oscar mayer can go to hell]. Will do best to make this coherent, or at least intelligible, but apologies if it's a bit of a mess.

Age Headcanons [If we're going for what they are in game]

Short answer: Soutarou is late 20s-early 30s, Tatsuki ranges between 15-18. [tho ofc when I draw shippy stuff it's an AU and they're both early 20s]

Long answer: Actually thought about this on and off a decent bit and could never really get more than a vague, "Somewhere around this area" for them.

Soutarou is somewhere between late 20s and early 30s. He's old enough to have experienced some shit, try to get clean and back on his feet and get some manual labor experience, and have that ripped from him. Plus some time to isolate and have those thoughts wreck havoc on his mental state.

Tatsuki on the other hand is messier and harder to really give an age to. They could be a kid escaping into fairy tales to avoid reality, or a young adult [18-20] that was forced to grow up too fast and is now suffering from dealing with their fractured identity [have thought about Debris endings occurring around Tats 18th birthday, because they have the "You're not a child, so why do you hold onto such stupid childish fantasies?" thoughts to go on top of everything else and it sorta just breaks them.]

Misc Uro Headcanons

Big Deep angsty Uro hc/kinda what shapes her core for me

You might've heard the quote, “I think the saddest people always try their hardest to make people happy because they know what it’s like to feel absolutely worthless and they don’t want anyone else to feel like that." by Robin Williams. This more or less summarizes my view of Urotsuki at the core. She may not be weighed down by what other dreamers have gone through, but she knows what it's like to be trapped in darkness and though it may not show, she is doing her best to make others happy because she doesn't want others to go through that. [side note: this is huge part of reason for shipping her with Tatsuki. Feel like they'd be the same, tho Tats is way more introverted. That angsty, "You see through the smiles or notice the little things and softly nudge me to say you understand and are there." sorta thing].

Going off that; for the longest time have hc'd that Uro has struggled with an ED and self image issues in the past and a big part of why she loves food and is okay with being herself, and is so supportive of others doing the same, is because she had to fight to get to where she is and is doing her best to make sure others can simply see the joy in life without experiencing the hell she went through.

More lighthearted/Uro's a goofball hcs

Uro is somewhat lactose intolerant but keeps getting sick because she won't. fucking. stop. eating cheese. Or questionable foods in general. "It smells alright so it's probably fine." [narrator voice: It wasn't fine] sorta things.

Probs mentioned this one before but eh, Uro and Sou are one of few dreamers with a drivers license, and Uro's driving doesn't exactly leave most passengers feeling safe so Sou is constantly stepping in when she offers people a ride. The two bicker at each other like an old couple a surprisingly good bit when eyes aren't on them. This paired with them both being older and able to get drunk makes for quite a scene. [Sabi's laughing, Tats is on the floor trying and failing to hide it.]

She did have a dedicated dream diary at some point, but during a depressive period would start to fill and decorate it with random stuff [silly doodles, poems, stickers , ect], and it's now more like a thought scrapbook or therapeutic outlet for her. Pages that are just her jotting down memories that make her happy have little sticky note bookmarks so she can flip through them when feeling down.

Her head is a mess and all over the place, and her counting sheep is like a ritual she semi-depends on to fall asleep since it gets her to focus on one thing and relax [its a sorta behavioral dependency that if she was somehow barred from doing, she'd probs stress out and not be able to sleep.]

Hope you enjoyed or were at least satisfied with rambling anon ◠⸜⸝◠~

[the-bar-sinister]

In Justice We Trust (98739 words) thesavagesabretooth

catch up here.

With Simon Blackquill and Athena Cykes assigned as their psychologists, the Phantom and Fulbright must grapple with their identity, their deeds, their future, and their love for the twisted samurai whom they betrayed.

All the while, Edgeworth and Wright find their relationship tested as they walk the narrow path between pursuing real justice, and the dark age of the law.

-

December 25, 8:20 am

At the airport, Phoenix had insisted on taking the photograph of their target– Mr. Lovelace– and using it as a starting point to check the baggage area for clues. Miles didn't understand his methods and didn't think anything would come of it but he gave him space to do so, hanging back with Gumshoe as Phoenix paced the baggage claim floor, holding up the picture.

"There's a thin line between madness and genius, Gumshoe."

“I dunno, I think Mr. Wright tumbled head first off the bridge into madness years ago, sir,” Gumshoe replied.

"Hm. Perhaps. And yet, he still gets results. It's shocking every time." He watched idly as Phoenix paced the floor.

“Maybe it’s ‘cause he thinks like a crazy crook, so he catches them.” Gumshoe chuckled. “Hey uh..actually sir, there’s somethin’ I gotta tell you.” 

"It may be, indeed. But, oh?" he looked up curiously, away from Phoenix's antics and at the detective instead. "What is it?"

“I ran into Mr. Justice today, sir. He uh…ain’t along with Athena at the scene.”

That brought Miles up so short he practically jumped. "He's not?"

Gumshoe grimaced.

“Given that she nearly got pummeled by him this mornin? No. He ain’t. He was stormin’ around the hotel lookin’ for you, sir. Sounded like he found out about Robert Halblicht, and started beatin’ the man in the middle of the restaurant. Athena interposed herself , and he stormed off…” Gumshoe’s expression was..complicated , to say the least. He rubbed his chin. “...I had a little talk with him after that, but he wants to talk to ya about the fact he’s expected to work in the vicinity of Clay Terran’s killer.” 

Miles' heart sank further and further into his stomach as Gumshoe spoke. He felt the blood drained out of his face.

"Oh… oh no. Oh sweet Justitia…" Miles turned and grabbed Gumshoe's lapels. "In all the commotion I forgot to tell him about Halblicht! I wanted to keep it private! To give him space to be upset– but I never got a chance and it completely escaped my mind this morning that I– oh no, I–"

“Yeah he ain’t taking it well, sir.” Gumshoe grimaced futher, even as Miles gently shook him by the coat. “He’s uh…not happy he was the last to know. And he ain’t happy about Bobby neither. So uh…I got him calmed down a little…had a chat with him and he ain’t in a fury no more, but he wants to talk.” 

Miles let his head fall against Gumshoe's chest and headbutted him repeatedly–if softly– as if he were slamming his head against a wall.

"What has been wrong with me the last few days, Gumshoe? I can't keep making mistakes like this. I'm going to get someone killed."

“Nobody’s died yet, sir. Still time to set it right, yeah?” Gumshoe put his hand atop the man’s head, sighing. “I think you’re tired, Mr. Edgeworth…can’t blame ya, of course. It’s been a hell of a week. “ 

Miles leaned there for a moment, soaking in the big, earnest idiot's strength and patience. 

"It's been a hell of a week," he murmured. "Believe me, Gumshoe, I would have slowed down if I could, but this could be our only opportunity to root the Phantom's organization out of the shadows– our one lead. I couldn't hesitate– but I am making mistakes, that is undeniable."

"Someone’s gotta stop these bastards, sir. After the stuff we all heard? We can’t let it stand…we got our chance and we’re gonna go all the way with it.” He smiled that big, dopey Gumshoe smile at him. “Yeah, you’ve made mistakes, sir…but it’ll work out. Everyone makes mistakes. I know I make ‘em all the damn time!” 

Miles took a deep, deep breath and straightened up. He fixed his hair, and nodded. "You're right, you're right of course. Though thank lady justice my sister isn't here at present to hear you say that. We were raised to be perfect, you know."

He smiled at Gumshoe like it was a joke, but it was the furthest possible thing from a joke. The way that Miles had been made, a mistake was worse than a sin. A sin could be forgiven, a mistake? Never.

Gumshoe’s new that Miles wasn't joking though. He didn't laugh.

“Well, sir. Look where perfection got Mr. Von Karma. The world's shortest bungie jump.” 

The black humor wrenched a miserable, black laugh out of Miles, though, and he slapped Gumshoe in the chest. 

"So indeed, my friend. So indeed." He took another deep breath and straightened his cravat. "Alright. Let's go see if Phoenix has found anything– and then we'll have a look at the security footage. And Gumshoe?"

“Yessir?” Gumshoe asked with a tender edge to his recovering smile. 

"I expect you to help catch me again if I make any more mistakes. Thank you for helping take care of this one."

December 25, 9:15 am

The investigation of the interior of the second car ultimately had not turned up anything of use. The body, however, was a different story.

The second body had been shot, much the same as the first one had. In the front of the head, but also additionally in the throat.

"Kind of puts a damper on the 'bystander' theory," Halblicht considered. He glanced at Athena, perhaps looking for her own insight. Though he was smiling, Athena couldn't read anything from him at the moment.

Athena’s own emotions also felt numb– they always did during an investigation despite the way she’d express intensely to signal to her usual investigative partners the ways she knew she must truly feel under the static discord in her chest.

She smiled back at him with a nod, brushing her hair from her face as she tapped out another note in Widget’s system. “...it puts a major damper on the bystander theory. This looks like it was part of the plan…it’s the same style as the first body’s, right? Ema said it seemed to be the same weapon, same method…I can only imagine it was intentional.” 

"Yes, and given that they were shot twice, we can probably conclude that one shot missed." Halblicht pressed his fingers together, smiling still, but seeming deep in thought.

Athena nodded slowly, her brow knit gently as she tapped at the illusion of a screen. “That’s my guess too…the shot to the throat, then in the head to finish them off…” 

Simon came back around from the other side of the car. "Everything's burned to hell. There wasn't anything useful in terms of evidence in the front or back seat that I could find. Some scraps of clothing, but they're unidentifiable."

Kelso slid out of the front seat with a grimace, dusting ash off her coat with a sigh. “And there ain’t anything in the front seat, either…fire did its job, unfortunately for us.”

From the edge of the scene, Sheila was watching them intensely with her arms crossed, radiating a strange emotion that Athena hadn’t been able to properly place during their conversation. 

"The two cars theory is becoming more likely, strange as it sounds," Simon considered. "My main question now is what of the blood on the pavement."

“It doesn’t make sense.” Athena murmured. “After all…if there were two cars, and they were each executed in the cars themselves from a distance, there’d be no way the blood from either victim would get on the ground. Meaning it was either from the killer, or there’s something we’re missing…right?”

“Could be unrelated.” Kelso mused with a flip of the bullet between her fingers and a quiet huff breath. Athena couldn’t tell the emotion from it…subtle frustration, maybe? “Or from the killer, of course.” 

"But the killer shot at range," Halblicht pointed out. "The question would be how would they have been injured."

Athena pointed to him with a nod. “Exactly. Exactly. The killer shot at range, taking out two agents of Interpol…we don’t have any sign except the blood that anyone was injured here, and it’s too close to match the distance of the bullet wounds. So that means we’re missing something, or there’s something wrong with our thinking.”

She bit her lip “...in situations like this…Mr. Wright would tell me to turn my thinking around and look at it from another angle.”

Kelso fussed with her sunglasses again. “Coulda been an injury that was inflicted when the killer was torching the cars. People are clumsy, coulda cut their hand or something.”

Simon cocked his head. "Ah, so your theory is that the cars were torched rather than going up naturally? It's certainly the likeliest scenario given what we know about the culprits."

For some reason, Sheila in the periphery started snickering again, and Athena could hear her trying to stop herself. As she was laughing, a musical tune started playing from her direction– her phone ringing.

“That’s my theory, yeah.” Kelso nodded. “goes along with everything we know, right?”

Athena looked up towards the sound to see Sheila stifle her laughter enough to answer the phone with her wolfish grin and a cheerful “hello~.”

It was odd…the emotions she picked up from the woman when she laughed were strange…a mixture of jagged, muted sorrow and almost performative, intense joy that overshadowed all else. 

Simon's gaze followed Sheila as she answered her phone, then he turned back to Kelso. "It does. But we'll see how the facts bear out."

For some reason, as she hung up the phone, Sheila began to laugh again, doubling over and bracing herself against the SUV. It looked like it hurt. It sounded like it hurt as Athena swiped to the mood matrix and watched the sorrow and anger dimly pulse after an initial spike only to be drowned in the flashing yellow light of joy.

Sheila hung up the phone and strode over with a wave of her hand and the ghost of a snicker on her lips. 

“Great news, pack,” she purred as her features stilled once more. Casually, she pulled out a tube of lipstick and began fixing her makeup in her compact mirror. “....Forensics got back to me about the plates.” 

Simon held out his hand and let Taka land on his arm as he smiled. "Oh? I hope it's something interesting, Ash-dono."

The woman’s smile didn’t leave her face as she pointed to one of the cars. 

“That’s our agent’s car. We had one match from our database on the plates, and security footage of that very same soon to be burned out wreck leaving the airport with the agents. One.” She held up her finger. “One. Isn’t that interesting? It's the one that slammed head on into the side of the other.”

Kelso looked at the car that was swerved into the barrier with a low whistle “...huh. I knew they wouldn’t have used two cars…”

Athena slapped her hand against her knees. “I knew it! Which…actually brings up a big question? Why’s there a body in the extra car? If it’s one of the agents, it’d mean it’d been moved. If it’s one of the targets…where’s our missing agent?” 

Halblicht cocked his head toward Ash. "I assume that if one of your agents, if they'd escaped, would have reported in by now if they were capable?"

“The instant they made it to town. Every wolf in Lang’s pack knows to howl.” She snickered again, and covered her mouth “...that’s what Lang says, anyhow. In layman's terms…it’s top priority to report the instant you’re able. Especially if a comrade is killed. The fact we’ve got nothing implies he’s dead, or a traitor.”

She smiled in a way that gave chills that cut through the static in Athena’s heart. “And I’d certainly know if we had traitors in Lang’s pack.”

Kelso was flipping the bullet between her fingers again as she stared at the car. “So it's possible that someone moved the body…or one of the pack managed to crawl away only to die somewhere nearby?” 

Simon glanced down at the ground where the luminol had shown up. "The blood didn't lead away from the wreck."

"No sir, Prosecutor Blackquill," Halblicht nodded. "It was only between the two vehicles."

Athena nodded. “And it was wiped up by someone, as if they didn’t want anyone to know.” She traced her finger from one car to another. An agent trying to struggle to safety wouldn’t waste precious time wiping it…and I can’t wrap my head around why the killer might mop it up…”

"So what we've got is a scene that was tampered with after the fact," Simon said. "Someone– our shooter presumably– manipulated the scene in some way after the fact, at the very least to remove the blood, and very likely to torch the vehicles. Athena!"

He turned to her with his sharp smile, fingers on his chin.

Athena’s head shot up as her smile unconsciously mirrored his own “Simon!”

The facts spun in her head, forming connections and making theories and logical leaps.

"What was the purpose of our culprit concealing the blood between the cars?" he asked.

“To conceal their actions and throw us off the investigation” Athena murmured thoughtfully. “my guess is to hide the fact that someone bled between the two cars… likely one of the corpses… maybe it was moved from one to the other, right? To confuse us with the number and occupants of the cars.”

"But why would they bother?" Halblicht asked. "Just to throw us off the track for a little longer? Or for some other reason."

"Good question, half bright," Simon drawled. "Why don't we have a look at that blood again. Skye-dono, if you could light us up?"

Ema Skye nodded as she hurried over and began spritzing luminol over the area, flipping her glasses down with a nod. “You’ve got it. Give it a second to react.”

Athena leaned over , watching curiously with a tilt of her head. “...my guess is to obscure a crucial fact of the case…by leading us to an assumption.”

The path of the blood was illuminated. There wasn't a lot of it, all things considered, a few drops here and there. Aside from a few stray other drops, most of it seemed to be concentrated–as Athena followed the path– between the front driver side of the first car– all the way around to the passenger side of the second car.

“...it’s a trail from the first car to the second.” She traced, pacing along the line of drops and smears.. “...someone wanted to hide the fact the body was moved…. from the passenger side of the second car, to the driver side of the first.”

"So then presumably the apparent 'driver' of the first car is, in actuality, our second agent after all," Simon observed. "Who did the first car belong to, and why conceal it?"

Athena nodded at him. “exactly…and why conceal it.” She walked up to the first car with a furrow of her brow and a frown. “...it could have belonged to the killer. The person they were tailing from the airport. As for why…”

Kelso wandered back over, stepping over the luminol soaked bloodstain to lean towards the cars with a casual ‘hum’.

“That doesn’t make much sense to me. Why’d the enemy agent bother?” 

Halblicht, meanwhile, was following the blood trail back and forth with a look of consternation written carefully on his face. He turned toward them. "Ms. Cykes, Prosecutor Blackquill…"

Athena tilted her head up at him with a concerned furrow of her brow, her growing quiet concern pulsing within her.

“Yeah, Detective Halblicht?” 

"I found something a little curious. There's more blood concentrated here at the back of the second car. Not a lot, but more than you might expect. Plus ah… did you notice there are a few drops that just sort of go off in a random direction?"

Simon looked between Halblicht and Athena. "Hmm, show me."

Halblicht saluted eagerly. "Yes sir! Right here…" he pointed, and Athena did notice that there were a few drops that went off away from the two wrecks. And then here, there's almost two fingers worth blood, which is more than the rest of the trail.

The glow of the luminol at the back of the truck was the largest in the trail.

"Perhaps the killer lingered here for a moment?" Simon mused. "Hauling a body around can be difficult."

Athena felt a sinking sensation in her stomach as she walked over “....or they paused here for a long moment for some other reason…”

She traced the projected drip from the trunk to the ground with her fingers as she visualized the scene.

“At the trunk. Lingering.” her eyes fell on Simon and Robert with a grim smile. “if it wasn’t exhaustion, why would someone linger by a trunk instead of taking a shorter path around? Especially holding something so heavy as the deadweight of a corpse?”

Ema made a hissing sound through her teeth. “ah…shit.” 

Halblicht smiled carefully at Athena and nodded, then he asked; "Ms. Skye– do you think you could get the trunk here open for us?"

“I’ll get on it.” Ema broke out her tools with a grim set of her jaw. “gonna take me a minute…lock’s probably fucking melted shut.”

Athena nodded to Halblicht.

Why obscure the crime scene? Why drag the bodies around and wipe the blood? Why put a victim in a car they didn’t own, and linger with the weight of a bleeding body by the trunk of a car?

The questions hovered on Widget’s screen, the web between each piece of data entwining them together under her steady finger.

“I don’t think we’ll like what we find.” she mused softly.

Kelso wandered over to put a hand against Halblicht’s arm, as if to steady herself as she watched Ema work the trunk. 

“Got any theories, pretty?” she asked towards Athena with a tired half smile. 

Athena noticed Halblicht jolt very slightly as he was touched, and he put on a brilliant, goofy smile and adjusted his tie, as if flattered. "Oh, a few, miss agent!"

Athena was almost sure that he'd intercepted the question from her, rather than been genuinely confused who it was directed at.

Kelso laughed, glancing sidelong at him with an amused little smile. 

“Alright, pretty. Lay ‘em on me. Because I’m stumped.”

Athena’s fingers hovered delicately near the tab for the mood matrix as she watched Ema work through the pale blue of her screen. She gave Halblicht a thankful smile, before tapping over to the matrix.

December 25, 9:30 am

Gumshoe's eyes were getting tired, that was for sure. He, Mr. Edgeworth, and Mr. Wright had been reviewing the security footage for the better part of an hour already. There was a lot to go through, but admittedly, it had already yielded results that they'd called into Lang– they'd watched the two agents drive off in the parking lot after an unmarked car.

“Oof. Dunno how the lab boys do it, sir.” Gumshoe grumbled, “the light off these damn screens is turnin’ my brain to jelly.” 

Miles rubbed his eyes under his glasses. "I hate to say it, but mine as well. Perhaps we need a break– a moment to discuss what we've learned and see how the facts bear out and what our next move should be."

Phoenix, however, was still hunched over the video controls, running a segment back and forth.

“Whatcha got there, Nicky?” Gumshoe leaned heavily over his shoulder, squinting at the screen. 

"It might be nothing," he murmured, squinting at the screen "But…"

Miles came in and leaned over him from the other side. "But what, Wright? Is it another one of your famous turnabouts?"

Phoenix flushed and chuckled a little, rubbing his chin. "I don't know about that but… didn't you tell me that Agent Kelso wasn't able to follow the target and the other agents out of the airport?"

“Yeah, that’s why we weren’t sure about the uhhh…” he waved his hand, “number of cars the agents left in, right? She missed the actual departure and caught up in a delay.” 

Phoenix pointed at the screen, at a small figure in the bottom while the agents' car was pulling out of the lot.

"That's what I thought. So uh, am I crazy, or is that Agent Kelso there, getting in her car?"

Miles narrowed his eyes. "What?"

Phoenix hit play on the recording, and– though the quality of the video left much to be desired, Gumshoe saw it too. Agent Kelso getting in a car, which then pulled out of the lot.

“....yeah, that sure does.” Gumshoe squinted at the car as it pulled away. “....looks a lot like Agent Kelso getting in the car. Not many people dressed like that in the area…face matches too.”

Phoenix turned to Miles and slowly asked. "Why wouldn't Agent Kelso have reported it if she followed the agents and the target?"

"A very good question, Mr. Wright. A very good question indeed."

[kcuf-ad]

Character Analysis: Oliver "Ollie" Chen

In the New Season of The Ghost and Molly McGee, we get New story plots like Scratch Being the New chairman and his backstory, but the one I am more interested is in The Chens subplot, and the oldest and only son, Oliver Ollie Chen.

He is a Ghost Hunter who was raised in an enviroment of hating Ghosts and hunting them, but he is also known for being the love interest of Molly in the second Season who is a Ghost lover.

In this I Will talk about my thoughts on Oliver, and why he is my favourite character in TGAMM.

It's important to mention that Oliver's first appearences through leaks and sneak Peaks, and he wasn't. ... liked to say the least because it caused one issue. It was a hetero ship, which in Disney nowadays is pretty controversial to say the least, and the Fact that Libby and/or Andrea weren't the ones that are going to be love interests for Molly caused some dramas, but thankfully, it calmed down over time and even now.

He and his family moved in Brighton, and they are immediatelly greeted by the Mcgees, which they found were similair, but the ones that hit it off the most was Ollie and Molly, as they found out that they have similair interests to enhappify, or in Ollie's case, engoodify the world, which made them have feelings for each other quickly.

But it was then revealed, that his family are a family that hunt ghosts which shocked Molly, understandably so, as it was the same day as Scratch became the Chairman and the Frightmares attacked, so after eating their meals, they left the House and thought about still Being friends with the Chens, but keeping Scratch's identity a secret.

It was interesting to see the Chens, as they are a near perfect match, but that one flaw makes the Season more interesting than the previous one. His story with Molly and their scenes together were honestly pretty cute to see, and made several fans, myself included interested in the Season. So far, Ollie is a decent character, but he feels a bit too same Like Molly

Then we get to see the next episode where he enters the library, as he felt a powerful ghost presence with his gadgets, but thanks to Molly's brilliant idea of mimicking Ollie's detektor, they are outside as he felt guilty for not keeping Brighton safe from Ghosts, and then we get the idea that was made up from his dad, the idea he was raised by, the idea that all Ghosts are evil, which makes Ollie hate Ghosts, even for a while.

We then get the reason why he hates ghosts, his dad's trauma. Now, you May think that May be silly that all one scare makes him hate ghosts, but what if it is the same as how Ollie reacted during the Frightmare Episode, at how he was taking deep breaths, shivering, quivering and you can hear and see his Fear. Is that how Ruben was scared by the ghost?

Next we get the episode that made me love Ollie, I wanna Dance with Some-Ollie. It starts off with them organizing the school Dance with Scratch not Being pleased at all, as Molly tries her best to assure him. Then we get him asking out her on the school dance, Like a date, it wasn't a date as Molly stated, but he was still happy with the party with her.

During the Dance, we have some cute montages of Scratch trying his best to make this 'date' go down the drain, but instead he makes it worse, a lot worse to the point where people started to ship them "Mollie". Molly described it as not a date, which Ollie was saddened by thar Fact, but he still had to confirm as well as he wanted to respect her wishes. They were then crown Lemming Royality which caused an argument between Molly and Scratch, a one that was delivered spectaculary as Molly decided to continue the Dance as Scratch then left the school, but was quickly caught by one of June's inventions. Then we get them dancing, a slow Dance, as Molly told Ollie that if this Dance was a date, that she wouldn't mind, which we then get this reaction.

Look how happy and excited he was, how joyful he is that the girl he cares for, wouldn't mind having a date with him, which Got them looking at each other, with stara in their eyes, but then, Molly heard some beeping, which was revealed to be one of June's inventions to catch ghosts which made Molly dash out of there, and free him.

And then we get the scene that Is my favourite in all of TGAMM, the scene where Molly tells Scratch That they were finished, which broke his heart, and waited for his mom to Pick him up and what does he do? He doesn't tell her the truth of Scratch, in a situation where he could've done it, but he decided not to, he told her that she is walking with a friend. Even though he felt heartbroken by Molly, saddened by those words and even saw her playing with Scratch, he still decided not to tell her about Scratch, showing that he still cares about Molly.

Now we get to my favourite TGAMM episode, Frightmare on Main Street, where it shows them wearing the same costume as each other, which was funny to see as we see Ollie with a Journal where he wants to Save Molly from a Curse from Scratch.

I want to point out that he is doing this to Save Molly from his Curse, not because of him they can't date each other. His priority were proven to her safety over his jealousy.

Then we get to the scene where he goes inside the shelter, finds out about ghosts Like Jeff, Geoff, the Ghost Council, and the scenes where they terrify him. Not Like a BOO! ,no more Like genuine feer and distress when he was near them as they were scarring him, as he even went down the ground, shaking from fear as he tries to get Molly out of there, which then the Frightmares showed up and attacked the place.

As soon as Scratch was near a portal, Ollie caught him in some goo as he wanted to know if he cursed her mind, tried to harm her in any way, or anything. He then hears that they are best friends, as he doesn't believe it, but deep inside od him he thinks that Might be the case because he saved him from his sister from her gun.

And then, the scene where he was told off that he doesn't know anything about ghosts, and you can see it in his face that all of the thoughts going through his mind. The way he was raised, the thoughts of all Ghosts not Being evil, his Outlook on the Ghosts were wrong.

He then, as soon as he heard that Scratch was the Chairman, and from a plea from Molly, he decides to do one thing...

...free Scratch from the goo, which Molly so glad to do it as she hugs Scratch immediatelly after, and the Ghost Friends were formed.

They began taking care of the good Ghosts, while Scratch dealt with the Frightmares, as while Ollie not fully convinced at the thought of not all of them Being evil, he was still able to be around them, and even slightly, Might even like Scratch. As the episode, with him not Being happy by his father's declaration which Got the attention of his sister.

Ollie, overall, is an interesting character to watch with amazing character development, and I hope to see more of him.

[uhgood-girl]

i have dealt with a lot of grief, already, throughout my not very long life and yet i remain surprised by all of the different shades of it i still find myself experiencing for the first time.

processing the final members leaving today feels like a large, deep bruise i was ignoring but can no longer pretend isn't there, so purple it's almost black.

i wasn't expecting this level of emptiness? how it already feels like a long, dark corridor in a once full house that should give back an answer when you shout and yet only your own voice echoes between the doors.

maybe that sounds melodramatic, i know i don't know these people irl but i know other army get it when i say the amount of comfort bts provide as this steady, background hum in the trudge of daily life cannot be understated. just knowing they're out there, existing, together, maybe making more amazing music, pursuing their own forms of existential happiness is really grounding. it's inspiring. those are my long distance besties, i don't give a parasocial fuck.

so in contrast, knowing they have been fully removed from that individual pursuit, forced into a mandatory conscription to appease a government who they don't personally seem to agree with and who also would happily expend them for it's own gain feels like thorns. like knives. like an unwanted reminder of our helplessness in the knowledge that even the best and brightest of us are not exempt from the bullshit powers that be's whims while they look at all of us like pawns on a chessboard. low value and consumable.

for me right now, it's honestly just boiling down not to the fact that they're gone necessarily, if they were on a vacation of their own choosing, i would happily wait however long, but that they've been forced to leave. you can for sure keep any tirade of "it's an honor to serve, they always planned to do so, blah blah blah" to yourself too because their intrisinc loyalty and integrity does not make the system as a whole less fucked up.

bc mandatory military enlistment is fucked up. the military industrial complex is FUCKED UP. if you are sad today but also not a little bit angry at the system that has gotten us here, and i'm talking look past the blue house, the color you're searching for is white, i hope you can find a little bit of space at some point for some healthy indignation.

tweet. (not me, i just like and agree with it)

it feels better than grief and sure as hell mobilizes better, but per usual, i digress.

the grief is still insistent.

i cried when jimin took off his beanie in that live this morning. he had already said he didn't want to show us and yet the comments were full of people demanding he do so. ultimately the decision was his and i respect what he chose. i also hope he found some comfort in the flood of comments calling him cute and beautiful but it still broke my heart knowing what hair to someone like him (self expressed gender fluid, likely queer), how much of your identity can be wrapped up in it, probably meant. how it probably feels representative of this larger thing he is not eager to do as a whole.

hell, the idea of namjoon having to pick up a gun and point it at a person shaped target, edges not eroded but sharp and distinct, breaks my fucking heart.

i could go on for each of them individually tbh but i don't want to add to anything you may have not already considered, we don't all have to be victims to my imagination here.

i just need the world to not blow up between now and 2025. i'm begging. or even after that, really. what if we lived a few years in precedented times? is that even possible at this stage?

is this our monkey's paw? you get to live at the same time as bts but you're also gonna experience the (deserved, burn it down) collapse of the colonial empire? good luck!

i don't even know how to end this, i just needed to get some of it out. my biggest comfort in all of this right now is knowing there are people taking this just as well as i am at least. and by well i mean not very well at all, obviously lol. misery does love company, it's true. but i think because much like seokjin's views on embarrassment, it's easier to bear when shared.

and yet, please just step over my sad, fetal position body till i can get it together. i'm gonna need a moment, or ten. go on, i'll catch up.

[justthisgirlsworld]

I don't know if there's a age restriction if there is one ignore me I'm 16 and I just realized that I was in a homoerotic relationship and I really don't think she did anything bad just so you have the context.

I had a crush on her thought I moved on and we started to experiment together even though outside of that we were totally platonic even though we flirted a little. And literally had a boyfriend (I don't know what was in my brain but 🙄)

But I started to feel almost used afterwards even though it was totally consensual. Because deep down I always hoped for more (and nothing happened)

I talked to her about it she apologized and we stopped right now are totally platonic and feel I pretty. But I don't know how to move on while still being friends with her because other than that she's someone who is very loyal to her friends and so am I but I want to move on.

I deserve to have other relationships without feeling guilty.

I don't know what to do.

Hiya!

Thanks for being mindful about age restrictions :) there’s no problem here though.

I completely understand where you’re coming from with this. Your feelings are so valid, and just because your friend wasn’t intentionally trying to use you, doesn’t mean that you can’t feel that way.

Sometimes in life, the lines can become blurred between friendships and romantic relationships - especially at such integral, formative years of our life. As queer people as well, we can find ourselves exploring with the people we feel most comfortable with, due to the fear of being unaccepted, or putting ourselves in danger due to our identity.

It’s good that you’ve both had a conversation about it, especially if she’s apologised and has since stopped. Communication is SO important, and you should be very proud of yourself for putting those boundaries in place.

In this moment, you have to ask yourself. Do you want something more from this friend?

Is there a longing for a relationship there? Are you wanting to be together. Do you lie awake at night picturing a life together? Or, is there any doubt in your mind?

Because if there is, this is your chance. This is the opportunity for you to get out whilst you still can.

Even if you, politely, communicate this with her. How you’re feeling and that to cope with such you may start to distance yourself from her.

At the end of the day, it’s your feelings. Whatever it is that you are feeling, I urge you to be safe. Life is all about learning, and this might just be one of those learning curves! I know I’ve had my fair share, and I’ve been where you’ve been. Don’t worry, sweetheart.

I hope that everything gets sorted, one way or another. And trust me when I say, happiness awaits you.

You’ve got this.