#i make new friends? also almost always queer

[solarmorrigan]

Underrated flavor of queer Steve: Steve who worries that he's faking it

After Robin's confession to him, he starts to view the way he looks at other guys--the way he's always looked at them--in a different light. The way he can see a guy and think 'yeah, he's hot' or even, 'yeah, I wouldn't mind getting with him.' He starts to think maybe that's kinda queer

But then he shakes the thought away, because everyone is able to pick out whether another person is attractive or not. His thoughts aren't different or special. Everyone must think that way, and Steve is only starting to view it as queer because Robin is queer and he wants to have more in common with her

He's always had a habit of doing that: chameleoning himself into a group, adopting enough of their mannerisms or interests to fit in. He'd almost lost himself to in high school, turning into an asshole for the sake of having friends who, in retrospect, hadn't even been very good to him

But now he has Robin - brilliant, funny, awkward, brave Robin, who is good to him and who also happens to be a lesbian, and Steve is doing it again, isn't he? Shifting himself just so he can fit in. Faking it to make it. But he's pretty sure pretending to be queer is kind of offensive, so he sits on the thought for months and months, sometimes pushing it down so hard that he feels sick with it, until it comes bubbling out around the cracks

Steve doesn't even mean to say it; he and Robin are hanging out, Star Wars playing on the TV more as background noise than anything, and Robin sighs over Carrie Fisher, and Steve sighs with her, and then mentions that he'd let Harrison Ford hit it, too, if he had the chance. And then it takes him a minute to understand why Robin is now staring at him, wide-eyed and almost startled

Neither of them really know much about the concept of bisexuality at that point, but they stumble through the conversation anyway, and Robin insists that, no, she's pretty sure not everyone looks at both men and women with equal appreciation and, "I don't think you can fake it, Steve. You can't do being queer wrong."

And for Steve - suddenly it clicks into place. A new piece of himself he'd been struggling to shove away, now acknowledged and welcomed. Something real and true and his, and something he happens to share with his best friend

And it feels good

[twopoppies]

hey love, i hope this arrives in one piece and nothing is cut off, as i am not sure anymore how much i can write in a tumblr ask. just to be sure, my message ends with a ":)"

i'm a larrie since 2013, but went on a work-related tumblr break in 2018 (i work in the music industry). i returned to tumblr last week, amidst deep shared grief 💔 to find solace in community. as i tried to cheer myself up by going through my favorite blogs (like yours, it's so wonderful) and trying to catch up -especially about Harry&Louis things that i missed in the last years-, i found the posts really feel like little nuggets of joy and i'm so grateful for that. so i decided i finally want to add to it, now that my industry commitments have downsized significantly. i haven't shared this in almost a decade (never online anyway) and it's not big news or anything, but whenever i remember it, it just makes my heart glow. so, one of my closest work-friends in the industry back in the days (and i'll use neutral pronouns to protect them) did two tours with them in 🦘 in 2013 and 2015. our shared work ethics and also contracts obviously forbade us both from sharing almost all of what was seen or heard (concerning the artists' personal business), but my friend knew i firmly believed Harry and Louis to be together, just closeted (and we both knew this sadly was very common in music or the film industry; meaning mgmt iron-closeting non-straight male artists was completely and automatically still considered The Norm back then, especially with male artists doing these kinds of numbers and having that large of a young fanbase). i never indulged in my reasons or theories, because i felt like i had a professional reputation to uphold and also with me being queer and in the closet as well, it felt too personal to discuss, back then. during the first tour in 2013, we didn't text much, they just said the band was all very friendly and crew was professional, they seemed "like family". the schedule was "brutal". and security constantly needed to be "tightened", due to invasive people trying to steal or replicate tour passes. i didn't ask my friend about Harry and Louis specifically --but admittedly we also weren't that close of friends at that point. during the second tour in 2015, we were though, and only a few days in, they out of the blue texted something that made me smile so wide, i honestly think my cheeks are hurting to this day. :D i quote: "hey so those two louis and h. can't tell you more but you weren't wrong!!!" i replied with ":DDDDDDD" (honestly felt like sending a million heart emojis instead) and about an hour later they sent "every here knows too!!!" and a correction: "everyone" and to this day, almost 10 years later, I keep these imessages saved, because it made me so happy. and i hope that sharing my time-capsuled precious memory will make someone else happy, too. their love is truly something so special. oh, and one of the two was really unlucky at the pokies (slot machines) and quite a sore loser, haha. I always guessed it was Louis, but I don't know. :)

🥹 Oh, we really needed some happiness around here. Bless you for sharing this.

Also, I tend to agree with you that it was Louis on the slot machines. LMAO!

[insertdisc5]

✨COOL THINGS I PLAYED/SAW/READ THIS YEAR, 2024!!!!!!!✨

✨MOVIS✨

Knight of Fortune was such a delight. karl's wife is dead-- he has to go to the morgue. to see her one last time. SURPRISINGLY funny given the theme, and incredibly sweet. AND you can watch it in its entirety on youtube

american fiction! incredible movie that made me think. what does it mean to tell "our stories"? what does it mean to show "representation"? how authentic can you truly be about your own lived experience? funny as hell too

if you havent seen Monkey Man, quite frankly i dont want to talk to you. dev patel i will watch whatever you make for the rest of time

the rest under the cut because this list got long

playtime by jacques tati. just slapstick. oh my god this was so goddamn funny

yeah you know it. i was very strong the whole time and then the credits hit and i started sobbing uncontrollably in the theater

challengers and i saw the tv glow are tied in first place for my favorite movie this year. incredibly funny and SO WELL EDITED. highly recommend watching it with friends so you can scream "OH NO HE DIDN'T" together

✨TV SHOWS✨

SHOGUN!!!!!! oh my god there is so much to praise in this show. the costumes! the actors! the story! how they integrated both english and japanese speakers in a realistic way! so good

korean reality shows are not fucking playing around. the editing and sets are truly top notch

✨BUUKS✨

-Friday Black by Nana Kwame Adjei-Brenyah! what if black mirror was actually good. AND centered the stories of black people. highly recommend

-Character Limit: How Elon Musk Destroyed Twitter by Kate Conger and Ryan Mac! you probably were on twitter when The Whole Thing happened. maybe you dont know the exact details like i do. what if the details were worse i also dont read non-fiction very often, surprised at how fun this was to read!

-The Chromatic Fantasy by H.A.! I've been following their work since forever, and this was a delight to read as always! THE COLORS…………. BITES BITES BITES BITES

-sad girl space lizard. hell yeah (18+ only!)

-Gritli - The Moth Diaries by Sophie Florian und Hanako Emden! this one was just so strange and fascinating. per words of the authors: "Taking on the voices of anthropomorphic animals, the authors write about labour, companionship and crushing."

✨VIDY GAMES✨

skipping balatro, splatoon side order, fields of mistria and webfishing, because you probably know about those. uuuuh

i am too stupid for Void Stranger, but My God if you're smart this game will become your favorite game ever. 2D sokoban with so many secrets

marchen line!!! nth circle never misses. the visuals here are so fun!!! the UI! the plot! the almost-automatic-censoring when you see gore, as if your mecha body took a second to load!! hell fucking yeah

"adrienne, of the devil was this year" OH WORD? THEN EVERYONE SHOULD PLAY OF THE DEVIL'S FIRST EPISODE WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR

life after magic! magical girls are now adults, and magic is disappearing. what now? the art is so cute, and the story was very engaging. thank you for the additional episode with [spoilers]

i started nine sols and i think i might be enough of a gamer to beat it

shadow generations game of the year no contest. thank you for your time

you can also look at my massive list of stuff i played/watched/etc here. i am not posting this whole dang thing

[steddiealltheway]

Gareth is sick and tired of Eddie refusing to admit that he has a crush on Steve Harrington.

At first, Gareth had just brushed it off when Eddie seemed so adamant about interrogating Steve and his involvement with his new lost sheep. He had done something similar when he meet Gareth's few middle school friends the year before. But Eddie seems to think that one meeting isn't enough and insists that's why he always needs to rush out to talk to Steve and invade his space when he picks up the kids from Hellfire.

Gareth sees right through it. Eddie had come out to him a while ago saying he was definitely some form of queer after Gareth caught him making out with a guy in the Hideout bathroom. And he was more than okay with it.

But he is not okay with the way Eddie refuses to tell him - his best friend - that he has a crush on Steve.

"Then why do you always go to Family Video during his shifts and not buy anything, huh? Plus, you know that you never call anyone 'big boy.' Yes, I heard that when you were flirting with him after our last Hellfire campaign."

Eddie just rolls his eyes and dramatically flings out his arms. "I'm making sure the kids are safe with him."

Gareth snorts in response to that bullshit, and Eddie gives him an unimpressed look.

"Well, I'm going to Family Video to get a movie for my mom, and I would appreciate-"

"Yeah, I'll give you a ride," Eddie interrupts, looking way too happy to offer.

Gareth sighs but doesn't push it. He really needs to ride, and if the only reason Eddie's offering is to give him an excuse to be there... Gareth will take it and hopefully not be expected to pitch in for gas.

A quick ride over later, Gareth is almost displeased to see Steve behind the counter, eyes lighting up when he sees Eddie. Those two are absolutely ridiculous, and if Eddie would pull his head out of his ass for once, then Gareth could finally tell him that Steve likes him too.

He lets them lean into each other and practically giggle over anything the other has to say until he finds his movie and goes to the counter. That's when he finally notices Robin Buckley there staring at the two with a mix of fondness and irritation. Gareth is sure that he has the same look on his face.

He shoots her a knowing look, and Robin's eyes widen in an expression of hopeless, those two. Gareth gestures between the two and rolls his eyes - absolutely.

Then, they both look at each other in realization. Gareth knows Robin is cool and a bit awkward from their interactions in band classes, but he didn't know that she was that cool. And that she definitely knows about whatever thing is between those two.

Robin levels him with the same look, staring him up and down before finally seeming to settle on that he's cool too and also knows. They both kind of nod at each other in agreement that certain things need to be unspoken, but they absolutely need to rant about the two idiots.

They both start talking at the same time.

"Oh my gosh, I thought it was just me-"

"You have no idea how long I've needed to talk to someo-"

They stop and laugh a bit, both looking toward the boys, but they don't even register the interaction especially since Steve is tucking a strand of hair behind Eddie's ear while Eddie stares at him with heart eyes. Love is gross.

Robin takes Gareth's tape and goes through the process of ringing him up. "It's like they both are oblivious to the other's feelings."

"They are! Eddie won't even admit his feelings to himself, and I've been pushing it," Gareth complains, pinching his nose. He thinks he might feel a tension headache starting to form from those two.

Robin thuds her fingers on the counter in thought then slides Gareth's tape back at him. "Eddie's the jealous type, right?"

Gareth nearly scoffs. Jealous can be a bit of an understatement when it comes to him. "Of course."

Robin gets a grin that kind of scares Gareth to the core. She leans over the counter and whispers, "Then, I need you to flirt with Steve."

His jaw absolutely drops. "No way. Eddie would murder me!"

"And why would he if he has no feelings for him?" Robin asks with a bit of a manic twinkle in her eye that reminds him of Eddie.

Shit, she's right. It's definitely a plan that will work and finally get Eddie to admit how he feels... but also could get Gareth killed and banned from ever talking to Eddie again.

He glances over at the two and notices the way Eddie is blushing and trying to hide behind his hair as Steve stares on proudly. Gareth sighs. "Okay, I'll confront him one more time, and if he doesn't admit it after this little show, then I'll go through with the plan."

Robin sticks her hand across the counter and Gareth shakes on it. "Eddie should come in around six tomorrow during our shift. Come back before then with your tape or something as an excuse and have at it with the dingus here. But, you'll probably only be able to chat with him because I haven't seen him flirt with someone in a while - not since your dingus showed up. That should be enough to set Eddie off though, right?"

"Absolutely."

Robin laughs and loudly says, "Pleasure doing business with you. We hope to see you back at Family Video soon."

This startles Steve and Eddie out of the trance they put each other in, and Gareth watches with full annoyance as Eddie goes all puppy dog eyes as he sadly says goodbye to Steve.

In the parking lot, Gareth says, "You absolutely-"

And Eddie is quick to interrupt him, "Don't have feelings for him!"

Oh yeah. The plan is on.

-:-:-:-:-:-

The next day with only a few minutes to spare before Eddie shows up, Gareth returns with his tape and a pulse that is way too high for his own good. When Robin sees him come through the door, she tells Steve that she's taking her break and shoots Gareth a thumbs up.

God, what has he gotten himself into?

He walks up to the counter and slides the tape across. "Hey, I need to return this."

Steve smiles at him politely but frowns when it doesn't ring up.

"I think Robin didn't ring it up for me yesterday. I don't remember paying," Gareth confesses. This is probably yet another part of Robin's genius plan to force them to have a longer interaction.

Steve looks him up and down for a moment then says, "Hey, I know you. You're Gareth. Eddie talks about you all the time, but I didn't know you knew Robin."

And woah, he did not expect Steve Harrington to know a single thing about him. Honestly, he's a bit flattered and even begins to blush a bit. "Yeah, we've had a few band classes together."

"That's cool. What do you play?" Steve presses on, leaning into the counter not in the flirtatious way he does with Eddie, but Gareth thinks as a means to make him more comfortable.

"Drums in the jazz band," he readily admits.

Steve's eyebrows furrow in thought. "I didn't know Hawkins even had a jazz band. I'll have to come see you play sometime."

"Yeah?" Gareth asks in disbelief and a bit of awe. It's Steve Harrington for Christ's sake. Of course, he's going to get a bit taken aback by the fact that he wants anything to do with him. He feels that damn blush again and barely registers the bell to the door ringing behind him.

"Yeah, man," Steve says with a smile. "Sounds cool as shit."

Someone clears their throat behind them and Gareth jumps a bit. He turns quickly to find Eddie fixing him with a look of hurt mixed with rage at the sight of Gareth leaning toward Steve with a damn blush on his face. He's not into him, but he can definitely admit that Steve just has some type of pull to him. But Eddie definitely does not see it that way.

"Gareth, can I talk to you outside?"

Gareth nods and doesn't utter a sound. Oh, he's going to kill him. He's about to die. He absolutely should not have gone through with this plan.

He wanders outside toward Eddie's van and lets Eddie talk first.

"What the fuck was that in there?" Eddie asks with anger in his tone but hurt in his eyes.

Gareth just shrugs in response and waits for Eddie to finally confess that he has feelings for Steve and he needs to back off.

Only, he doesn't. He just stands there staring at Gareth, and for some reason it pisses him off so he pushes. "Just thought that if you didn't have feelings for him then I could take a shot at him."

Eddie's mouth opens and closes until he finally huffs, "Great for you. You have a better chance anyways so good luck to you."

Eddie flips him off and starts heading to the driver's side of his van, but Gareth runs and gets there first. "What the hell do you mean by that?"

Eddie crosses his arms but keeps a scary tension in his shoulders. "I mean that you're not the town freak, so you can have at him!"

Gareth scoffs and digs a finger into his chest. "That's why you won't admit you have feelings for him! You don't think he likes you!"

Eddie's arms fling wide open. "Of course, he doesn't like me! But I'm not about to cry over some bullshit feelings that will never be returned, so let me just have whatever it is between me and him and not have to put this label on how it makes me feel because I don't want to fucking deal with it! Let me live in sweet ignorance!"

"And that's where you're wrong," someone who is not Gareth says.

"Christ!" both Eddie and Gareth say startling back.

Steve stands in front of them with his arms crossed, but he only stares at Eddie. "What was that about bullshit feelings? Because I don't know about you, but I definitely like you."

Eddie's face flushes a bit red as he steps closer to Steve, unable to stay out of his space whenever he's nearby. "My feelings for you aren't bullshit at all. They're just fucking scary as hell, man."

Steve laughs softly and steps into Eddie's space. "You don't think that I've been scared, too? I would've made a move on you weeks ago if you would've said something."

"Well, I'm saying something now," Eddie says with a big smile.

Gareth really doesn't think he should be witnessing this.

Steve's eyes flicker down to Eddie's lips as he huskily says, "You sure are."

Yeah, Gareth has had enough of this shit. "Hey, guys?" Gareth says, interrupting them and ignoring Eddie's hell of a death glare. "Sorry to ruin your moment, but I'm still here. Plus, you're in a public parking lot."

Eddie still glares at him, but Steve nods. "Thanks, Gareth." He turns back to Eddie. "He's right, but luckily for you, I know of this really nice breakroom that has a door that locks. Plus, I was waiting for you to come so I could take my break."

Eddie's sour look drops from his face, and he practically starts buzzing with excitement. "Let's not waste another moment then."

Gareth is truly happy for them, but he doesn't think he ever wants to hear them interact again. But on their way back, Eddie stops and says something then runs back to Gareth and pulls him into a hug. "I love you, man. Thank you for dealing with me, but if I ever see you flirt at Steve again..."

Gareth pulls away from the hug and shoves Eddie's shoulders. "I wasn't flirting! I was talking to him to make you jealous and finally admit your feelings."

"Then what the hell was that blush!"

"He's like royalty! How else am I supposed to act when I find out he knows my name!"

Eddie takes a moment to really stare at Gareth then he gets a weird smile on his face. "You know, Steve knows this guy named Will..."

Gareth shoves Eddie again to cut him off. "Have fun making out with your boyfriend."

Eddie smiles widely then turns to run back to the store. Gareth smiles and watches as the two loudly laugh when they both try to squeeze through the doorway at the same time.

Then, Gareth looks around and realizes that by having his mom drop him off that he has no ride. He sighs and heads back to the store. Maybe he and Robin can celebrate, and she can tell him more about this Will while he waits...

[lmskitty]

The JJk fandom has some INCREDIBLE writers and artists and I just felt like showing a bit of love so here are some of my fave Satosugu fics!!!

Audience by @c-valentino

"Three years after the KFC breakup, Satoru caves and visits his old friend late at night with a problem. They are far from what they used to be, but when he hopes they might get a second chance after all, assassins show up to hunt down Suguru."

As you like it by planetarypedxng

"Ieiri Shoko has laid down the law: the three of them will hereafter hang out only at Geto’s place, because Geto is the perfect host, and because Shoko refuses to clean up after anyone, least of all men, and because Gojo’s room always disgustingly reeks of sex.

Gojo had laughed at that, a little too loudly, perhaps, and curiously did not have a single comment about it. What can he say? The truth? That he was still a virgin?"

Falling in love is easy. Admitting it is not. By @ellionwrites

"At 20 years old - sharing an apartment and joint Jujutsu missions - Geto and Gojo are inseparable. But it takes Geto going on a first date for them to start to figure out their feelings."

Two sorcerers chillin' in a hot tub (five feet apart cause they’re not gay) by @hollow-lime-green

"Geto Suguru has almost two decades of practice pretending not to see things that are clearly there, and Gojo Satoru has a well-documented history of being the most socially-stunted motherfucker alive.

That’s how they got here.

Love is in the hands by @thequeenofsarcaasm

That’s also why neither of them know where the hell they’re going with this."

To be a woman by @sadgreekboys

"After getting kicked from his home for being queer, Geto Suguru comes across his old best friend/first love, in a gay bar. He finds a new home in him."

close your eyes (nothing changed at all) by themoonisdead

"Satoru is the strongest. She is a woman. She is not meant to be those two things at the same time.

VIRGIN GETS WRECKED BY BEST FRIEND [FREE PORN VIDS] (18++) WATCH NOW!!!!! By Daisy__dupes

"That day in xx village, suguru makes a call" -what if Suguru had called Satoru for help that day?

Over the Threshold by @fushiglow

(Satoru gets hit with a sex curse and asks Suguru to help him!!!)

4AM by damiselart

"Larger than life K-pop idol, Satoru, approaches introverted record producer, Getō Suguru, to collaborate on his debut Japanese-language studio album. They both get more out of the experience than expected — for better and for worse."

(Tattoo artist Geto and model Gojo. Hot as fuck.)

Post-It Notes by monochromevelyn

"Shoko was sick of watching her two best friends pining for each other. Don't worry, she had a plan to move things in the right direction."

The Two-Headed Calf by malneiro

"Gojo gets a knock on his door late at night: Getou is sick and Mimiko and Nanako don't know who else to turn to."

Vows to Amida Butsu -

" Gojo has a great idea. Geto thinks his classmate should at least ask him cutely instead of just announcing his intent. Consent is important, after all."

and Long Bitter Autumn - both by Daphnerunning and Galiko

"Five years after his best friend left Jujutsu High to become an evil overlord, Gojo Satoru can't sleep. And there's not THAT much difference between a butt dial and a booty call, semantically speaking."

There are so many amazing satosugu fics and most of the writers listed here have multiple incredible fics but these are just some of my absolute faves!!!

❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️

[absolutebl]

Top 10 Most Underrated BLs of the last 3 years

(mid year 2021 - end 2023)

This list will not include BLs that ended their run in 2024. I need some distance to know if something is actually underrated (We Are maybe?) or justifiably ignored.

1 I Cannot Reach You AKA Kimi ni wa Todokanai (Japan 2023 Netflix?)

This classic friends-to-lovers BL is everything Japan does best. Angsty. Emo. Aching. Driven by real thirst. Yamato is deeply in love with his childhood bestie, Kakeru, and has been for ages, increasingly unable to hide his ungainly damaging high school need. He wants Kakeru in every way possible and it oozes off of the screen. Kakeru is silly and a little simple, but not frenetic or overly camp about it. He is earnest, and genuinely wants to keep Yamato in his life, which means giving a romance (and gayness) a fair chance. We watch him realize his affection and what form it can take in a truly authentic way. This show was impossibly kind to both of its lead characters and I felt almost honored that I got to watch something so lovely and rare play out on my screen. Full review.

2 My Ride (Thai 2022 Gaga)

Thai BL grew up with this pulp (the first ever pulp to make my end of year top 10). It’s a truly lovely and special little show featuring the extremely rare pairing of sunshine/sunshine (AKA a cinnamon roll couple) plus mature explorations of relationships using one of the softest, sweetest, and most innocent friends to lovers vehicles. Kindly, overworked doctor meets broken-hearted motorcycle taxi rider in an “other side of the tracks” slow burn romance. The support cast is excellent, making for great friendship groups and family dynamics. With honest queer rep that adds to, but doesn’t impede, the story, and genuine conversation about the nature of class, wealth, and classism, not to mention communication, honesty, and respect for boundaries, you can’t go wrong with this show. In other news, I am a sucker for a single dimple. Full review.

3 Our Dining Table AKA Bokura no Shokutaku (Japan 2023 Gaga)

A lonely salaryman (+ talented cook) gets accidentally adopted by a college kid (and his little brother). I was always gonna love this show if they stuck to the original yaoi (which is very dear to my heart). And they did! Paralleling it almost exactly. It’s a quiet & cozy little parable of found family alleviating loneliness. Possibly too slow for some but definitely high up there for me as the best of what Japan can do with softness (like Restart After Come Back Home). It’s only flaw (if I dare say such a thing) is that it is not really “romantic.” Lovely & sweet but the romance beats are being used to build a family relationship, not just couple intimacy, but that's OK with me. This is a very safe show for anyone to watch.

4 About Youth (Taiwan 2022 Gaga)

A truly lovely little coming of age high school BL with a classic YA low drama but high angst and earnest depth. I didn’t even mind the singing, and that’s saying a lot. A weak seme/uke dynamic but tons of BL tropes (both rare in a high school setting but common for Taiwan) makes this one feel both sweet and colored by real world authenticity and grit. Full review.

5 Step By Step (Thai 2023 Gaga)

This was Thailand’s answer to The New Employee, and everything I loved about that show I loved about this one. This office romance between a stern boss and sweet subordinate felt more authentic to cubical work than previous Thai BLs of this ilk. That authenticity added tension to the narrative and its characters development (how novel). I also really enjoyed the charming side characters and the brothers' relationship to each other (although I could have done without that brother's side BL). Full review.

6 DNA Says Love You (Taiwan 2022 Gaga)

DNA deserves extra marks for an upbeat approach to a queer story arc that other shows have systemically mishandled with sadness (in the guise of realism). There is a twist, which I found predictable, but knowing what would happen didn't spoil this show. The leads are luminous and engaging, and it’s full of queer found family representation and an unexpected amount of domesticity, plus it’s Taiwan, so the kisses are great. The first few eps are rough going but have patience, it's worth it I promise! The second half is really special and life/love affirming - and the end is big-grin charming. Full review.

7 Unintentional Love Story (Korea 2023 iQIYI)

Of all the BLs on this list, this is probubly the MOST underrated. OMG the plot! Uke forced into a totally understandable betrayal, falling in love despite himself, put into a corner he can't get out of, the AGONY, the PAIN in those gorgeous eyes. Gah. Okay, so: A boy loses his job due to trumped-up corruption charges accidentally discovers his ex-boss's favorite artist, now a recluse. Evil manager offers him his job back, if he can convince the artist to rejoin society. Instead, they fall in love. I found the artist a bit stiff and reserved but Gongchan (maknae of B1A4) is a fucking GIFT - he carried this show (which I do not expect from the idol element). He was luminous with extraordinarily expressive eyes, just drown in the emoting abyss. The external conflict, social tension and pressure is complex and beautifully executed, plus Korea gave us legit side dishes (NOT a love triangle, hally-fucking-luya). Full review.

8 Dear Doctor I'm Coming for Your Soul (Thai 2022 iQIYI)

This is a romance between a doctor trying to save his patients and a reaper who is both his enemy and (eventual) lover (basically the genius premise of a gay Doom at Your Service). High concept looks good on you, Thailand. It’s lovely to see KarnNat back on screen together and they are still great, and Karn is just as painfully beautiful as ever. I enjoyed this one more than its ending deserved, and the best I can say is that it’s not strictly HEA but if you’re okay with Life: Love on the Line, you’ll be okay with this BL. It’s set up well, there’s no surprise unpleasantness like HIStory 3: The BL that shall not be named. Full review.

9 Destiny Seeker (Thai 2023 WeTV)

A darn near perfect pulp featuring 3 likable grumpy/sunshine pairings with uncomplicated iterations of enemies to lovers. At least one half of each does a decent amount of pining and there’s good chemistry, classic tropes, and excellent communication rep. It’s fun and full of linguistic jokes. Sublimely cheesy but a good rainy day offering with tons of rewatch potential. (Also WAR PEANUTS!) Full review.

10 Make a Wish (Thai 2023 grey)

A doctor who can see the dead strikes a bargain with a wish-granting irreverent tree angel - naturally they fall in love (from Sammon: Manner of Death & Triage). Stars Fluke Natouch opposite not Ohm, but who cares because Fluke has chemistry with everybody. Once again the Thai afterlife is incredibly bureaucratic but I enjoyed the premise and the unfolding of the story (it’s not predictable but still satisfying and with nice little twist). I like that the doctor is just gay AF - fag hag bestie and made of swagger. The cast is excellent but the comedic stylings are a bit overblown and tonally off. It has sad parts and did make me cry but is ultimately happy with a great sex scene, good smiley kisses, and all the agency.

10 others I rarely see anyone talk about:

Triage - Many would put this at the top of the list, but I don't find it very rewatchable and that weighs a lot in my assessments. Still it is GOOD and very underrated. BL does Groundhog Day featuring a doctor stuck in a time loop who must save a poor little rich boy from death by seducing the stuffing out of him, then PLOT TWIST, poor little rich boy must do the same for doctor! Unfortunately… stuffing keeps leaking. I thought the plot was engaging if a little redundant and occasionally exhausting. The pairs were all well done, low heat but with decent chemistry and the support characters were likable (or unlikeable, as required). My reason it's not in the top 10? If anything, the romance arc detracted and distracted from the main plot, but that doesn't stop this from being a genuinely good show it's just time loop is not a trope I personally enjoy. Review here.

See You After Quarantine? - This under appreciated gem is Taiwan’s answer to Gameboys and is just as charmg and adorable yet still as quintessentially Taiwanese as one might hope. It features a Japanese love interest and the cutest most confused disaster gay. Slow burn because the two have almost no actual screen time together and yet manage some truly amazing chemistry. Honestly how does Taiwan do it?

The Tasty Florida - I don't know, maybe it's Speed nostalgia, but I love this one, classic Korean BL with all those strengths and flaws... but The Prettiest.

You Make Me Dance - it's Korea but somehow they got this one, maybe by featuring mature characters and a real world crisis? Also they both ve hot.

Blueming - at the time it got a lot of attention but it seems to have faded into obscurity under the shod of The 8th Sense and Love of Love's Sack. This was a precurser to both and well worth a watch if you like it when Korea gets a little gritty.

Love Stage!! (Thai version) - I liked this IP alerady more than most. But this is the best of the 4 adaptations, and the first full Thai version of Japanese IP. It's both charming and notable in the industry. Hard to find and that's why it gets so little creddit but I think it's well worth the effort to track down.

Oh! Boarding House - I think most who watched this din't jive with it because it's an ensamble piece witha wicked love traingle. But I really enjoyed it. It felt like the move Kdrama BL that Korea has given us and I like me some Kdramas.

What Zabb Man! - one of the better BLs to come out of Star Hunter in the last few years. I like this pair a lot more than most, and the sides are wicked great. This is probably one of my favorite food themed BLs, actually.

2 Moons The Ambassador - possibly the lowest scoring BL to appear on this list but I just really like the leads. Nothing else is good, but they are kinda awkwardly fantastic. I also like how gay af the seme is.

Stay By My Side - This show was an interesting take on the "ghost boyfriend" trope. About a boy who is tormented by hearing the dead, except when he is around one other boy - desperation+proximity = love. Despite a strong initial premise it ended up mostly being enjoyable for sappy domesticity but nothing more. Still, I always give extra credit for the diabetes-inducing sugar content and rewatch capacity.

Requested by the lovely @l1xyz

FYI: I judge “underrated” on the strength of what I see people talk about (or more precisely not talk about) on social media, MDL reviews, and YouTube watch numbers (when available, as compared to comparable shows from the same country). 

Because of this, statistically, there will always be quite a few BLs that are difficult to get hold of.

Here's my pulls of the Top Underrated BLs prior to 2021. Considering the amount of content generated over the last few years, the pool to draw from is likely about the same.

My Top 10 Most Underrated BLs prior to 2021

Seven Days

Restart after Come Back Home

Wish You

Nobleman Ryu’s Wedding

He’s Coming to Me

Oxygen

My Day

Most Peaceful Place

HIStory 2: Right or Wrong

HIStory: Obsessed

I'd throw Great Men Academy in there, but I always dither over whether it actually is a BL.

[courtingchaos]

“My dad was a happy drunk.” The crackle of his inhale is right in your ear. “At least when he was still doing it regularly.” He holds the cigarette over for you to take. “I don’t know what he’s like now…like that.” He peters off for a moment, shimmying his shoulders across the old hardwood so one touches one of yours.

Laying oposite each other, heads in the crooks of each others necks, he glances over to see you staring holes through the ceiling.

“He never treated me like shit, not like that, like other kids. I can be grateful for that.” He takes the cigarette back from you when you hold it over his face. “It was after my mom died. It’s like he realized suddenly I could talk back and he forgot to treat me like a kid.” It’s his turn to stare at the ceiling while the ember dances around his words. “I was very suddenly his best friend. Always called me ‘pal’ but now? When he was home? It was like I was on the barstool next to him.” He’s not gonna cry about this. “I hated that shit.”

Another hand off, only this time he digs out his own smoke so you two can be in a haze together.

“So by the time I got to middle school, I didn’t have a dad, I had some guy who sometimes lived in the house with me.”

“Wait, you were living alone?”

He turns his head when you break your hours long silence, nodding as best he can while laying on the floor.

“Yeah. I didn’t move in with Wayne until ‘85.”

You stare at him for moment before turning back to face the ceiling.

“Anyways, it was a Fourth of July thing with some of his buddies. Someone forgot they were holding a bottle rocket and not a Roman candle and at the end of it all I had about half a head of singed hair.” He can remember the smell. Almost sour as the burnt strands crumbled on his shoulder and his dad has started laughing. Talking about near misses and being lucky but he hadn’t felt lucky. “Whole drive home he was trying to crack jokes and I wasn’t having it.” He takes a deep breath that makes the ember glow brightly. “I started crying and he told me to man up. I think he was sobering up, probably shook him to see me covered in soot.

“When we got home he took me into the bathroom and just shaved it all off. Didn’t put a fucking guard on it or anything. I don’t think I’d ever had hair that short, not since I was like…little.” He turns to stare at you then, eyes tracing the shell of your ear where your hair wisps around it in short curls. “He told me it was fine and that it looked better than before. Said the long hair made me look like a queer.”

That earns him a huff from you. One last puff of smoke into the ceiling before you stub out the butt into the ashtray near your elbow.

“I say all of that to tell you my opinion doesn’t matter. The people at work or the grocery store, it literally doesn’t matter.”

You spent the past two days crying about it but it seems your either over it or past the worst of it.

“If it upsets you, it upsets you and nothing I say is gonna make it better. I’m not gonna change your mind.” He holds his hand out across his chest and waits for you to grab it. “I’m sorry it didn’t come out the way you wanted, I know this keeps happening.”

“I didn’t think my hair meant so much to me.” You aren’t crying but the emotion weighs down your words, this he knows after years of practice.

“It’s okay that it did.”

“Feels stupid to cry over a bad haircut.”

He hums and shakes his head and doesn’t tell you it’s not stupid, you already know that. Simple things mean a lot, he knows that fickle game of attachment. He also knows that while his opinion does matter to you on some infinitesimal level, he doesn’t need to constantly remind you that it’s okay. He didn’t start a relationship with you over your hair. It’s just hair is something he’ll be able to say a few days from now when you finally start styling it and talking about a new product you bought. It’s a waiting game that he doesn’t mind waiting through, not with you. However he will remind you of one thing.

“Regardless, you’re still the prettiest girl I know.”

You laugh, something real but quiet, the first one in a few days. “Shut up.”

[leave-a-message19]

Writeblr

Update: Wow i did not expect this to gain as much traction as it did haha. I've edited it a little, for clarity.

I realize I should probably make an intro post of sorts, so here it is.

Hi :-) My name (or at least online.) Is Sam. (he/him) I am over 18+, and I write queer, messed up stories. I'm autistic, trans, aromantic and almost all of my characters are queer, and non-neurotypical. I write absurdly long books, word limits are my absolute bane of existence. I also occasionally write shitty poetry that will never see the light of day.

I'm always looking for new writer friends, any and all advice is appreciated :) I will follow any writers who follow me :) I'm always looking for more projects to follow!

Thank you reading!

WIPS

DON'T LET THEM BURY ME

My main project at the minute is an southern gothic urban fantasy with religious trauma, body horror, and packed with queer hope. It has a absurdly detailed magic system, complicated world building, and It's in planning stage, and over 10,000 words of plot have been completed as well as the prologue. it is in the process of being written. (Around 20k, at the time of writing this.) I am working on publishing it online, and it's sure a process, lol.

READ SNIPPETS HERE

It begins!!! – @leave-a-message19 on Tumblr

small thing I've been working on – @leave-a-message19 on Tumblr

The people I've let proofread this chapter really liked this paragraph so i thought i would share it – @leave-a-message19 on Tumblr

[basimdasasonst]

snw spock rant

i've been watching strange new worlds recently, and the prevailing feeling i always leave with, no matter the episode, is that i would like it if not for spock.

don't get me wrong; i'm a tos fan to my core. star trek launched me into a love of sci-fi and space fiction and is the whole reason i'm in university studying astrophysics, why i'm writing a book using said inner astrophysics nerd, why i have any sense of purpose to me, cliche as it is to say. star trek was an integral, important part of my upbringing, and continues to be one of my main interests to this day. i love jim (and i love snw jim! especially after aos kirk (shudders)) and i love bones (i really hope he joins snw soon....leonard mccoy save us....save us leonard mccoy...) and i love scotty and i love spock. but not snw spock.

here's the thing about spock: his internal character conflicts have always had some sort of root in him being not enough/not vulcan enough/not human enough/etc. his struggles with relationships as a result – because, lets face it, both humans and vulcans are social creatures and need friends otherwise society as a whole wouldn't be a thing on either world – make up a core part of his character. in tos, his relationship struggles were nearly purely platonic, with a few offhand remarks about stray crew members having crushes on him (uhura in early first season, chapel in amok time). 

s1e4 "the naked time". spock, right before losing his figurative Marbles, sees "love mankind" written on a wall. later, he goes on to say to jim: "when i feel friendship for you, i'm ashamed." other posts have done and will do better jobs of explaining it, but in conjunction with "sinner" written on the turbolift near jim (about not being able to form lasting relationships with other crewmates because its too much of a power imbalance), the writing on the wall (literally) is that spock is inherently ashamed of his humanity. he has been raised on vulcan to be a vulcan.

his internal conflict is always about him struggling with his human side. he struggles with friendship, he struggles with his humanity, he struggles to be something that people don't immediately deem wrong. as a gay man, and certainly as a young queer child first watching tos, i felt closest to spock not just because of feeling ashamed of part of my cultural heritage, but also because of repression. spock represses these feelings of insecurity, of friendship, of the need for connection in others in a certain way, so much that it causes him pain. growing up gay, his pain was very real to me. writing on the wall. he’s silly and a cool character of course, but he resonated with me in a way that, at the time, i didn’t have anything to resonate with. 

what does this all have to do with me hating snw spock so much? i want to preface this by saying i went into snw really wanting to love it. i saw the intro and the planets and the nebulae and the black hole and the music and was like "damn, this is fucking cool." star trek, to some part of me, was also about the space exploration aspect as much as the characters. the whims of wacky crewmembers and sentient rocks. the impossibly infinite things nature can form on its own. snw looked fun. i really wanted to like it. and you know what? i almost like it.

except for spock. quite literally the only character i have any quarrels with is spock. dehydrated, glistening, oiled up spock. wtf. why is he in a relationship with t'pring? why does he (almost) cheat on her with chapel? and why chapel??????????? chapel has a one-sided (VERY CLEARLY ONE SIDED) crush on him in tos. why is it two sided now. 

what, and i can't stress this enough, the fuck? 

and don't come into my house and tell me "oh you know, it makes sense, because, because then spock gets all hard and Logical and shuts himself off and obviously the reason for that is a breakup–" No!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! no no no no. i don't care if it makes “sense” it feels so intrinsically wrong to his character. i’ve had much more character development from losing life-long friends than ending barely a year long relationships. spock wouldn’t immediately shut down because he kissed a girl once and then she said “acshually sowwy my work is more important” when that’s the exact sentiment he echoed to t’pring when they broke up.

more importantly, snw spock barely has friends. he calls pike a friend once or twice, but i hardly believe that they're friends. he barely interacts with la'an or erica, he has a few passing conversations with uhura in season 1 on episodes about her that don't really carry into season 2, and otherwise he's just There. he doesn't have friends in snw. the writers are prioritising him having a romantic relationship over a friendship. snw spock needs a friend way more than he needs a bone buddy. and it really rubs me the wrong way the way the relationship with chapel was portrayed to be first friendly and then romantic. i never believed for a second that he and chapel were friends – despite the screenwriters trying. every time they talked prior to s2e5 there was this odd undercurrent of sexuality that seemed to follow them. lingering looks, touching fingertips, long pauses – it was so unbelievably awkward and obvious that they were setting up a relationship between the two. i mean, for fucks sake, s1e1 uhura calls chapel "spock's girlfriend." boy did my blood boil when i figured out that was where the show was going. s1e5 was actually painful for me to get through (chapel sits down, gives spock relationship advice, giggles, smacks him upside the head, and calls him an idiot. 2017 wattpad is calling, they want their material back) and i had to take two full days to get through s2e5 because i was in anguish the whole time. it was a constant mental barrage of "spock wouldn't say that," and "spock wouldn't do that," and "this is not spock."

for the most part, i couldn't figure out why spock and chapel's relationship specifically bothered me so much. i mean i have my quarrels with la'an and jim, and i really don't give much of a care about pike and batel so why was spock and chapel grating on me so badly? was it because it was being shoved in my face? was the writing that much more atrocious than the others? was it the decimation of spock's character?

it was, i found, a product of all of those and the issue of queerness. 

look; i've survived sherlock bbc, i’ve survived the golden age of quotev fandom in 2016, i've bared witness to so much queerbaiting in my life that i don't even bother trying to hope for any sort of main character queer representation anymore. we’re going to be a footnote until someone does something about it. unfortunately, that’s not going to be me because i’m not a film director. so i look the other way and steam about it on twitter or tumblr or whatever hoping that i, like many other frustrated queer people, get noticed one day in the far future when it’s ok to have a queer romance in mainstream, it’s ok to have a queer main character, and it’s ok to let it simmer slowly and burn instead of jumping into it to say “look guys we’re woke!!!!!” (star trek literally was the pioneer for most of these things back in the day. but that’s another discussion on the heterosexualisation of progressive media that i wont get into. it just feels bitterly funny that this is happening to star trek of all things.) these days i just pretend the relationships dont exist and skip over them when they happen. i've developed a sixth sense for when weird, forced heterosexuality is about to be shoved down my oesophagus. i've just gotten used to it. 

but sphapel (or whatever it's called) burned through me. i've never felt quite this angry at an on screen relationship. and, trust me, i saw AOS. i didn't like spuhura then and i don't like it now but i wasn't angry so much as i was just tired and annoyed. but spock was – and always is to me, confused, queer 10 year old me – a queer character. his struggle with humanity, with friendship, with fitting in, with just being as a perceived "other" was what made him an interesting character to me to begin with. he was a certain outlet to vent that frustration for being "wrong" in society no matter how hard you try to conform one way or another. the knowledge that even if you are different, you still have people backing you up. his fucking friendships, guys. jim and bones. yes i know his friendship with jim is also inherently romantic dont worry im spirk #1 shipper but that’s not relevant here because, and forgive me for being pessimistic, i don’t believe for a second that these writers are going to lean into spirk anytime soon. their relationship went beyond friendship or romance or any of that stuff. coughs in the roddenberry footnote.

what i’m trying to say here, in layman’s terms, is that giving a friendless character a romantic relationship is exactly how you alienate a character. name one person you know in real life that can survive healthily with one single relation, that being their romantic partner that they have no friendly base of. you can’t. that’s a toxic relationship. that’s not romance, that’s alienation. that’s isolation. that’s loneliness. and that’s the OPPOSITE OF WHAT EXPLORING SPOCK’S HUMAN SIDE IS SUPPOSED TO DO TO HIM .

by stripping spock of his friends, and forcing his arc to be purely romantic, you have essentially stripped the character of all he is. i'd be mad if chapel was a dude, too, honestly speaking. but beyond that, corralling spock of all people into a heterosexual romantic relationship is – well. it's a choice i don't think i can ever agree with. the best way i can describe such a choice is like a dissonant chord – you can pluck the notes and they'll sound fine on their own, but when you put them together they will clash. there is nothing you can do with your fingers to play the same notes and not cause the clash. they will always clash. it is dissonance ringing through you, an inherent wrongness coupled with writing that is lazy and clearly meant for a very specific audience. snw spock is bad writing, fanservice, and extraordinarily out of character. notes i can tolerate on their own, but strung together – dissonant.

i really want to like snw. fuck, i love la'an, i love erica, i love jim (!!! thank you paul wesley for making him a nerd, and kind (glares at AOS), and generally a jim kirk that i can look at and say, "yeah, that's jim alright"), i love uhura, i love una, i love m'benga and i love pike but i hate spock. i really, truly, cannot like snw when i have to pause the show and take an irritated deep breath in every time i see chapel approach spock. it's – frustrating, and alienating, and wrong. so, so wrong. 

[marauding-almond]

I have been absolutely OBSESSED with the thought of kiwi Remus recently because it works so well and i cannot get it out of my head, so here are a bunch of headcannons (part one- I have too many thoughts to put them in one single post)

Lyall and Hope met in London, Lyall was Welsh and Hope was kiwi

Hope gets pregnant and Lyall doesn't want to be a father, so they break up

Hope goes back to New Zealand and Remus is born there

Remus grows up in a small town in the South Island, I'm thinking Dunedin, or perhaps Wānaka (mayyybe Invercargill)

He grows up with his mom in a small house on a hill looking out to the water, a little on the outskirts of the town

Remus is still a werewolf; he gets bitten by an rogue werewolf on night when he's around three or four, but Hope manages to deal with it

She locks him in the back shed for the full moons, but as soon as dawn awakes, she's there with bandages and chocolate fish and hugs

It's hard, especially the first one, but they manage it, and Hope makes sure that Remus knows he's not a monster and still very loved

And the worst that happens the neighbours occasionally mention the wolf howls once or twice

Their neighbours, a middle-aged couple with no children, love them, especially Remus

They always give him a slice of cake when he comes round, and Hope a basket of cherries or something

They have a few sheep, and Remus loves going there and helping with the lambs, running with them in the paddock

He's a classic kiwi kid, spends almost all of his time outside, climbing trees and running barefoot, large rimmed hats, shorts all year round, constantly kicking off his shoes, always a bit of a burn on his cheeks because he's always forgetting to put on sunscreen (despite his mum's best efforts)

He takes the bus every morning to get to the local school

The school's only got a couple dozen kids, but the teachers are nice and Remus likes it, he loves learning, loves reading, especially

He's a quiet kid, doesn't have that many friends, but he's happy to just climb up a tree and sit there with a book

Hope is a bit of a hippie, and she goes round a lot of protests for Māori rights, queer rights, etc

The locals don't love it (it's the 60s), but she just rolls with it

She makes sure to teach Remus fragments of Māori, as much as she knows, which isn't much, but it's something

She can also see that her son's queer, even before he tells her, and makes sure to let him know that queer people are perfectly fine, and that she loves him

She struggles a bit financially, working at the local dairy and not earning all that much, but she grows a veggie garden and makes it work

And every summer, she makes sure to take at least two weeks off work and the two of them go off in their dingy caravan, put the Beatles on the radio, drive for a while and settle in some place to camp

They go walking and swimming and just enjoy nature for two weeks, every summer

Remus absolutely loves it, he'll go swimming every day, even if it's cold and raining

Hope also passes on to Remus her love of birds, teaching his all the native one's names, in English and Māori, as well as he love for baking, spending hours in the kitchen together making cakes and muffins and biscuits

And Remus is very happy and Hope is very happy

[writingonleaves]

just two hours to get there, babe (i can make it back about an hour or so) - reckless driving au

universe: reckless driving au

warnings: not much! some minor spoilers of things that haven't Happened in the au yet, a devils cup win sometime before 2029 lmfao

title: "jersey giant" by tyler childers

word count: 1.8k

author's note: got emo about stamkos' goodbye to tampa bay on the players tribune (its always the players tribune) and whipped this up!

important context!! amelie wins an award from World Sports Photography (a real award) along with some prize money, and she decides to donate all the money to Sports Media For Everybody, a (made-up) organization that supports queer media professionals. Below is her op-ed for SMFE, which ends up circling around hockey media circles / hockey twitter. i like to see it as the first real Public thing she's ever posted / written. this is published about a month before jack and amelie get married in 2029, btw. enjoy and lmk what you think!!!

A Photo Worth More

by Amelie Fishel

Background: Amelie Fishel is a photographer mostly known for her work in sports. She has photographed in the NHL, NFL, PWHL, MLB, WNBA, the Olympic Games, the World Cup and more. Her photos have appeared in AP, ESPN, Sports Illustrated and The Athletic. Her photo of New Jersey Devils alternate captain Jack Hughes (also her fiance) during the Stanley Cup Final won a World Sports Photography award last week. A member of SMFE for over five years, Amelie has spoken in numerous classrooms and at panels and workshops to share her knowledge. Alongside Jack, she is an ambassador for You Can Play. 

When I took a bow at my last dance recital with Michigan Dance Company, I thought I was done with sports. 

Don’t get me wrong. Dance had — and still has — brought me so much. It taught me a lot of things about myself, and brought me friends I still talk to today. But after blinking at the stage lights onwe last time to loud cheers from our family, friends and fellow dancers, I knew I made the right decision to stop my decade plus intense training. I would end up dancing recreationally throughout college, but nothing close to what I did at MDC. 

During my first week at the University of Michigan, I was timidly walking around the overwhelming Festifall, which happens every year at the school. It’s basically a club fair to showcase everything you can do at Michigan. Whether by happenstance or something else, I locked eyes with Jenny DeAngelo, who is currently the social media coordinator for the Los Angeles Chargers. I still remember — she had the cutest bob, a camera around her neck and the friendliest smile.

“Are you interested in working for the Michigan Athletic Department?”

Looking back, vaguest question ever. They could’ve been asking for equipment staff or helpers for ticket sales. But I walked over to Jenny, and that was it. 

For my whole four years at Michigan, I photographed almost every sport. Football, swimming, soccer, gymnastics, field hockey, you name it. I gave up a lot of weekends and school nights when I could’ve been out partying (let’s be honest, knowing me, I wouldn’t have been anyways) to stand at the sidelines of a field or court. I always knew I wanted to do photography, but the sports part of it all caught me off guard. 

Photographing hockey was almost a different skill set. I never played and didn’t really know anyone who did. But hockey at Michigan is sacred. I felt it the first game I shadowed, with Yost Arena filled up to the brim. I remember panicking because the sport was so fast. How could I ever keep up?

But I’ve never backed down from a challenge. 

I started being placed on the hockey beat more and more to the point where the guys started knowing me by name. I found myself at Yost pretty often during the season. And with my love for photographing hockey came my love for the actual game of hockey. Michigan hockey, in a way, was where another very important branch of my root love for photography started. I will always be grateful to Kristy, Maggie, Lauren and all the players and staff I worked with there for the encouragement and setting the expectations astronomically high for how a photographer is part of the team’s DNA.

I’m so grateful that my first gig after graduation was with the NHL. Being trusted to photograph the Philadelphia Flyers, the New Jersey Devils, the New York Islanders and the New York Rangers as an inexperienced but eager 22 year old was such a pleasure. I learned a lot and I still look upon the early years of my career with so many good memories. 

Since then, I’ve been lucky to continue doing what I enjoy on stages I could’ve never imagined I would even have a seat at the table at. From the world stage with the Olympic Games and World Cups, to Stanley Cup Finals and Super Bowls, to junior and high school sports Every sport at every level has taught me something new, and I feel so grateful that holding a camera still feels fresh. 

I’m extremely honored to receive this award for a photo that personally means so much to me.

When I took that photo of Jack during Game 7 of the Stanley Cup Final, I honestly don’t remember what I was thinking. I was a ball of nerves that entire game — that entire post-season, to be honest with you — and I was purely doing everything out of instinct. I was urged multiple times by many people to not do my job. Go be in the crowd and enjoy it as a fan, everyone told me. But I couldn’t. I would’ve rather been working with the safety net of the camera around my neck because that would calm down my nerves. So they let me do it, more for my sake than anything, I think. What I do remember is when the final horn sounded, because everything leading up to that point flashed through my mind like a movie. Like a supercut, as Lorde would say. 

An image of when Jack and I first met flashed through my mind all those years ago in Michigan (the state, not the school). An image of the first Devils game I shot flashed through my mind, where he, of course, scored. An image of me crying in a conference room in Madison Square Garden flashed through my mind, when I felt so burnt out and questioned if I wanted to even do this anymore. It wasn't the first time I felt that way, and it certainly wouldn't be the last. An image of Jack coming into my office and waiting for me to finish editing photos flashed through my mind, the quiet hum of The Rock as our soundtrack. 

I remember when family and loved ones were shuffling onto the ice and I saw Luke skating up to me, the cup in the back and the biggest smile on his face. All I could think of was him in the Michigan maize skating up to me all the years prior. It felt like the most full circle moment. 

Basically, it felt like a movie, where everything that led up to that point came crashing down on me and all I could feel was pure joy and pride.

To me, that’s it. Photographing people is about capturing the pureness of emotions. Joy, sadness, frustration, anguish, confusion. I hate to use a cliche, but it’s true. A snapshot of a moment in time can say so much. That’s what keeps me going. That’s what motivates me to keep trying when the last thing I want to do is click that damn shutter. 

Recently, I was asked last minute to shoot a Devils game. It had been over a year since I had done so, so I jumped at the chance. I didn’t realize until I walked into the familiar hallways that it was Hockey Is For Everyone Night. Chris Sccopetto, one of the equipment guys (more commonly known as Frosty) tossed me something when I walked in. I looked down and teared up. It was a roll of rainbow ribbon. 

When I covered the NHL on a consistent basis, I would tie a ribbon in my hair, the color matching whatever team I was working for that night. It was a little thing I did just for fun. During the Hockey Is For Everyone nights, I used to always put something rainbow in my hair. I was honored that Frosty remembered. 

At that Devils game, I was shooting pre-game warmups, and a young woman was against the glass. After she got a puck from Dougie Hamilton, I went up to her, showing her the picture and asking if she would want a copy. I don’t always do this, but the picture was too good and I felt like she’d appreciate it. Just as I was about to leave, she told me she liked the ribbon in my hair. We got to chatting, and I found out that she had just come out as bisexual to her family, and she had looked forward to being at the game tonight for a long time. I offered her the roll of rainbow ribbon and went on my way, but that interaction will stick with me for awhile. From one bisexual woman to another, we’ve found a common space in a sport we love.

In light of recent events, nights like Hockey Is For Everyone are more important than ever. I have been lucky that my sexuality hasn’t been an issue in any workplace I’ve been a part of, but I know that I am so lucky it hasn’t been. As a photographer, I feel the energy of the fans at every game I shoot. For all fans, staff and players to feel included and to feel like they belong in a world that they love is crucial. It’s how the sport will be sustained. I know how important that feeling of inclusion is. It’s not just rainbow ribbons and tape — it goes beyond. It must go beyond. 

Hockey Is For Everyone, and similar events to it, is a start. But that’s just what it is. A start. It’s through actions small and large where the work continues. It’s through just telling someone that you hear them and support them. It’s through donations, no matter how big or small, to organizations that do incredible work. It's through offering a shoulder to cry on and being the loudest to voice support in triumphant moments. Allyship exists in so many forms. 

In the corner of the photo that won this award, if you look on the top right, you see a fan waving a rainbow flag, by the way. 

I’m so lucky that the passion for my work led me to do what I love alongside the love of my life also doing what he loves. People say working with your significant other isn’t ideal, but now that I don’t do it as much anymore, I can say that I miss it greatly. Jack, you make me laugh and feel so incredibly happy. I love you. All the friends and colleagues I made through my work have been the greatest blessings and deserve all the thanks. My friends outside of work who remind me that life is more than just a camera, you deserve all the gold stars. Thank you. My family - Mom, Dad, Colette, Kaiden, Charlotte and Xander, thank you for all your cheerleading. 

But lastly and mostly importantly, thank you to everyone who has let me point a camera at them. The way I’ve been included in vulnerable, intimate and beautiful moments just by simply being there and doing my job — it’s a feeling that never gets old. Thank you for letting me into your life. I look forward to continue doing it with integrity and love for as long as I can.

yours,

amelie fishel

~*~*~

tag list (lmk if you wanna be a part of it!!): @ru-kru , @bunbunbl0gs

[d3adbr3inc3lls]

Vladimir Makarov x M!Reader | Headcanons

Cw: Internalised homophobia, implied homophobia (reader and Makarov are in Russia, but Reader can be anything), Russian slurs for queer people, traditional Russian values/beliefs,

Makarov, THE Vladimir Makarov, the one who hates queer folk, liking another man is unheard of. It almost sounds like something that a reporter has made up to stir up some drama.

That's what also went through his head. He can't be gay, he couldn't like men. He has dated multiple women in the past. He's just not gay.

Adjusting to his new crush -on a random civilian no less- was new, interesting and hard.

It took him months -and by that time, he had realised that he had fallen in love- to accept it and to unlearn the decades of homophobia instilled in him in his youth.

Dating a man also meant that he couldn't continue his bloodline -something that is really important to him as a Russian, he needed to have kids and carry on his last name, his parents are far too old to do that himself, and he doesn't accept adoption so that's out of the question.

After a while -months- of dancing around the issue -pacing around his office, trying to get his heart to stop reacting to the mere thought of you-, Makarov decided to ask you out.

Makarov asking you out felt like a trap. No openly homophobic man who has publicly spoken about his disdain towards queer people, often calling them "mentally ill" would ask another man -who isn't his friend- out anywhere.

Sure- you had feelings for him, but you always thought they'd never be mutual. He's more likely to kill you rather than date you.

But for whatever reason, you decided to fuck it and go for it. What's the worst that could happen? Right,?

The first date didn't even feel like a date. It felt like two men hanging out at a Cafe, yet it raised eyebrows among the civilians who had assumed that you were dating or at least gay.

But it was Russia. What could you expect?

Other dates the two of you had were moreso in private, away from prying eyes who'd judge the two of you and assume the worst.

Makarov mostly did it to save himself from having to come up with excuses every time, but he'd be lying if he said that he was only thinking about himself.

But even then, he'd take you to private events that he was invited to, with his reasoning for tagging you along always being "to satisfy the blues," but you knew that he loved you. Even if he didn't bluntly say it to your face.

The gentler touches, the hidden looks, every little action that he did when the two of you were in private spoke louder than words his words ever could.

Makarov also had ways to make sure your relationship looked strictly professional.

He had to, his whole plan was to bring back the USSR, and that included keeping your relationship hidden from the public eye as much as possible. He didn't want to be known as someone who made exceptions to rules.

The whole relationship was overwhelming to say the least, dating a man who'd once called your relationship a "mental illness" -to an extent, he still does to the people around him, but he often stresses that your relationship is to get the younger generations on board with his plans- but has grown to accept it only since he was also "mentally ill".

A/N: Sorry to the folk who follow me for pkmn content, I just kinda had to get this off my chest. For everyone who's reading this for Makarov, feel free to send requests for him, In all honesty, trying to find images for this was so hard. Why are Americans trying to be Russian??? They were literally demonising us because of the whole Russia-Ukraine thing??

[gabessquishytum]

Please consider either human au or retired Dreamling running a sex club. It's very popular and both Dream and Hob take a lot of pride in the place and are very hands on in different ways.

Dream is a dom that likes to make sure everyone is comfortable and safe within his establishment and tosses out anyone who causes problems and ensures that equipment is well kept and there are sanitation stations for toys and such readily available in the club. and Hob is a sub who always makes sure that there's water and snacks so that everyone can stay hydrated and feeling good. Both of them are almost always in the club looking after things and interacting with patrons, even if Hob has to kind of force Dream to actually talk and be social and not just making mental notes about what needs fixing or what could be changed to make things better.

Hob's favorite thing, though is the day at the end of every month when Dream spends all day in the office balancing the books and doing ordering. The office wall is shared with one of the free use playrooms and there a hole in it that's just Hob sized. He gets to have his arse hanging out on the playroom side, wearing a cock cage and being stuffed with all the cock he needs while he cockwarms Dream with his mouth under the desk on the other side. If he's very very good and doesn't distract Dream while he's working, he'll get to cum.

This is suuuuch a good idea, particularly love the idea of Hob and Dream being a little older here - they're like the mature kinky queer couple who survived a bunch of bullshit and came out the other side not giving a fuck about anything (and avidly taking care of all the baby gays + kink people who come their way).

Extroverted sub plus introverted dom is such a cute dynamic and I love the image of Hob happily cockwarming for Dream in the middle of the club. He's definitely doing a good job with the cockwarming but he's also holding conversations, being showered in kisses and compliments from friends, answering questions from newbies. Meanwhile Dream sits silently, sometimes hiding behind a magazine, tugging firmly on Hob’s collar when he wants him to pay attention. They're too cute together <3 and Hob really does like it when Dream makes an effort to dom him right down into subspace, so that he's incapable of focusing on literally anything except Dream. Everyone who sees Dream exerting his firm yet effective hold over Hob has to admit that it's deeply impressive - its the only thing in the world that stops Hob from yapping!

Their aftercare is always a private affair, tucked away in the office with Hob’s favourite snacks and cuddles on the black leather couch. They talk through their future plans, and Hob gets a nice massage (particularly if he's been on his knees at all). Hob listens to Dream’s soothing voice talking about all the new stuff he plans to order for the club... it's their own little bit of heaven, a dream come true, and they intend to enjoy it for many many years to come.

[candiid-caniine]

Hey! Long time no see, i know i said id send you a fantasy i thought you'd like but now ive forgotten almost all of it, oop!

Life happened, and uh, i saw that you mentioned your libido being a bit low, which definitely is my case too (im recovering from depression, now that im okay id love to get my FULL libido back, or at least a good percentage of it) do you have any tips on that?

Also any recs of blogs writing in the same vibe as you? (same-ish kinks would be nice but im specifically looking for queer inclusive stuff!) it makes me 10x hornier than the regular video/photo porn!

Hope you're well, you pathetic little thing!

💫

hi friend!! ugh i feel you. sorry i haven't got any advice on regaining ur libido...we just let mine wax and wane as it will, though denial has been a big help in keeping it steady!

i've heard good things abt ginseng and some other herbs. obvs use at your own risk, mind that some herbal treatments can cross-interact with certain medications, remember that pre-packaged supplement pills are often unregulated and may contain toxins, and be aware that some herbal remedies work better on pw certain anatomy than others, and finally that many herbal remedies considered to increase libido are largely untested on trans folx!

finally, sorry it's taken so long to answer this ask...i'm autistic and have been cataloguing lol. i present to you a list of other blog recs under the cut, organized by general vibe! i've tried to primarily include blogs that do their own posts rather than those who primarily reblog :)

note that my headings may provide some context as to what to expect, but you read at your own risk and each blog will typically have its own trigger warnings addressed in the header/pinned. additionally, i've not tagged some of the ppl below because they prefer that "Men DNI" blogs not interact, and idk if "no cis men" qualifies ahah!

all blogs below are queer- and/or trans-inclusive, if not exclusive! there is no detrans/misgendering, at least I don't think - i don't tend to follow those blogs.

hard kinks (blood, knives, etc; includes primarily-cnc blogs):

@puppy-mommy , who also does general t4t kink content, but does state untagged hard kinks!

@visciousest is someone whose blog i scroll when i'm in a Certain Mood ahah,, i won't elaborate

@hell-hound-bites: just. fuck. would drool on his knife blade.

@snuff-fag: its username should give you fair warning as to how wild its content tends to get, so please browse responsibly.

@condor-bait is taking a break right now, and all my love is with him as he takes care of himself. he made me feel so valid and so fuckable as a young trans person learning to love myself in a new way, and i've always been too shy to tell him how much his content meant to me one-on-one (yes, despite its often-extreme themes!), and he deserves as much time as he needs to heal!

@unwillingfvckpuppy for mostly cnc and medical kinks! if you like his style, but not so much their harder content, he also has a more-tame main blog--i just mainly follow/scroll this one!

@vampvictim: top-tier cnc/intox stuff, plus some great knife/bloodplay :)

@cryptidtid is wonderful and holy shit i follow a lot of hard kink blogs lol. incredible

@cnc-pet: i have been following her for a long ass fucking time lol. they post a lot of really good cnc and stories, but you'll also find a lot of aftercare tips and advice on her blog! i really admire blogs who try to balance horny content with best practices

@dollobotomy

general kinky content:

@excessively-queer . just plain old good shit :) there's a good amt of edging and degradation.

@clouded-king was honestly one of my earlier introductions to the queer/t4t kink community on here and how fucking euphoric it can be :) he posts some hard kinks, but generally it's a balance of a lot of different kinks so read his pinned at your leisure!

@ / cottontailx : just good kinky nsft posts :)

@ / digitalpenetration: often specifically t4t which i love!!

@femmelovefemme can step on me :)

@bigothteddies: could not build this section w/o mentioning him :) they had a big influence on my fantasies for a long time!

@hazelj-xoxo: bigtime want her to cuck me. have followed her across multiple blog deletions lol

@transpidered is forever an icon!

@subspaceemo

@writefinch for great stories and text posts

edging and denial, specifically:

@6irlpet is 1 of my go-to hands-down-pants scroll sessions :)

@droolkink is my inspiration!

@flustersluts does exactly what the name implies lol. a good helping of other kink content too :)

@puppycvnt is a 10/10!

@barkwoofbarkwoofbark: we r denial friends imo!!

@strawbrrysub

@blyssful-abyss

@urhighnessbitch is a big fav <3

non-detrans genderplay:

@butchviolence does amazing butch supremacy stuff and i,,, fucking hell. even just seeing their username puts me in a Particular state of mind ahah. they also post hard kinks so be aware as you proceed!

@mtfdomme: i literally just reblogged from her today lol. tbh i want to be their little stupid pupthing. it's not all transfem supremacy undertones/overtones, but that's what i mainly follow her for, plus just general t4t goodness! also, their general personality? and the way she shuts down people who disrespect their boundaries? huge inspiration for me!

@cuntboydestroyer: take me to the animal shelter and neuter me. good lord.

@the-kind-of-dame is the main inspiration for my recent genderplay post lol

@terfbreaking-tgirl (be warned of dykebreaking if that's an issue for you)

@barbarian-lesbian is my other inspiration for the recent genderplay post

@superiorineveryway

weird asf (/complimentary; my favorite type of shit. robots, ND-focused posts, etc):

@specksizedgoddess has introduced me to things i didn't know, like...existed, and that's saying a lot as one of my special interests is kink! never knew how down bad i was to be a tiny buggirl, nor how much i wanted to be someone's stupid little robot... BIG tw tho: there is snuff and gore content here, so proceed with caution if you don't wanna see that!

@sapphling fucked me up real good with some bird!sub bondage posts awhile back lol

@nobelisha: found them through their ghost cnc post so that's why they're in this category ahah! they don't have a pinned so proceed w awareness :)

@devout-cleric: hierophilia/religion kink, and i'm something of an acolyte of hers :) if you've read this far down you may as well know i'm her Little Lamb anon lol

piss/omo:

@latenightomo

@pissheartmybeloved - their URL makes me crack up every time, plus good content!

@hold-it-a-little-longer - good scenarios/imagines!

@ohmyrashi - (i think) my original intro to omo!

monsterfucking/terato:

@septimus-moonlight was my first real introduction to trans-positive terato and i've never settled for half-fun cis-oriented terato ever since :) mind tags!

@eggedbellies as well!

@bredpun doesn't appear to be active lately but still good for a scroll!

@steamandcream

@of-mutts-and-men

[sentfromwolves]

◈—⌈ SENTFROMWOLVES ⌋ writeblr introduction ²⁰²⁴

Hi everyone, and welcome to my writeblr 2024 introduction. My name is Eran (they/he & freshly thirty) and I've been on writeblr for awhile, so you might've seen me around. ( •̀ ω •́ ) This is my yearly post to introduce the projects I'll be working on this year, what I write, and who I am. I'll be keeping it short and sweet.

I'd love to meet more writers this year, so if you write any of the following, or just like these genres, or even just wanna shout about ocs together, come holler and I'll give you a follow!

◈ — sci-fi and fantasy of any kind! cozy fantasy, romantasy, epic fantasy, space opera? this is my bread and butter, and I love shouting about it from the rooftops with others! ◈ — found families, ot3s, complicated soulmates. I am almost always writing about soulmates who have either killed each other at least once in the past or are planning some sort of murder. Complicated relationships, especially found families that aren't all rainbows and butterflies, are right up my alley. ◈ — queer and trans protagonists, large queer casts! all of my wips feature trans/nonbinary leads, and I'm always looking for more queer writer friends to connect with! ◈ — hope at the end of the tunnel, but hell to get to. I write stories with hopeful endings, with the sun on the horizon, with the promise that something better might now at long last be on the way. I love seeing characters get put through hell, but I love it even more when they make it to the other side. (if you write tragedy though, please know I will still cry on your doorstep if you'll have me) ◈ — corruption arcs, redemption arcs, sometimes both! Deeply nuanced characters with messy attitudes, and even messier actions. I'm just as equally obsessed with cool worldbuilding as I am with character-driven things, and I will yell about ocs all day, and maybe draw them too >:3 ◈ — big, epic, and sweeping worldbuilding! I am a huge fan of delving into the worldbuilding aspect of my wips. I love building magic systems, cultures, geographies, and more. One of my 2024 projects is doing a worldbuilding experiment blog at some point. I am always down to clown over worldbuilding, whether to sound board or just holler together!

There's a lot more I could say here, but this post can only get so long! Σ(っ °Д °;)っ my dms are always open, and I will follow back most of the time! But just to get all of the basics outta the way:

◈—« here's a quick and dirty rundown of how I work! »—◈

➺ I interact and follow from @calamityeden, so if you see that username, it's just me.✌️I am most active on discord, and if we become friends, you're more than welcome to ask to add me there. ➺ I am open to being tagged in writeblr games! Just know that I am not online all the time, and might be slow to respond to them. 🐌 ➺ My ask box and DMs are open, just please be respectful. I love meeting new writers and talking about projects! I am happy to chat and make new friends. You're always welcome! 💌 ➺ This is a strictly 18+ writeblr. Please DNI with me if you are a minor and respect my boundaries.

🪄You can find my core tags here under my writing and my graphics, as well as writer reminders, game train and catharsis. (❁´◡`❁) And now onto the fun part! My 2024 main project line up!

I have my main four listed here that you'll probably hear me yelling about pretty consistently, but I've also got a lot of other projects rattling around in my brain. So if you're ever curious about a project that's not here, feel free to yell at me about it! >:3

Genre: Dark Urban Fantasy Standalone.

Status: First Draft Complete (117k)—Revising for beta round one.

There's a clock tattooed on Nemesis's wrist, and when it reaches midnight on his 21st birthday, it will kill him. It doesn't help that his mom is the one that cursed him, and the demon currently possessing his car ate her before Nemesis could convince her to break the damned thing. Thankfully, Judge came prepared with an alternative: help him break into a mythical living city and steal its heart, and in return, he'll shatter Nemesis's curse for free. Accompanied by a three-headed hellhound, a haunted holy sword, and an excommunicated exorcist, Judge and Nemesis set their sights on an impossible heist. But the closer Nemesis gets to the heart, the more he begins to realize that he isn't the only one under a curse. And if he doesn't find a way to break Judge's soon, his own life will be forfeit as well.

Genre: Space Opera

Status: 2024 zero drafting from scratch

Two hundred years ago, humanity expanded to the stars only to find a cosmos filled with graves. But then their children began displaying the strange ability to commune with the alien ruins scattered across the planets, waking ancient, extrasolar mecha from their sleep, and turned the struggling colonies of space explorers into the fledgling galactic nation of Sol Galatea.  Now, Wren Akane is on the run from the whole galaxy, wanted for the strange alien powers throbbing through his veins. His luck runs out when he accidentally awakens an ancient Relic in the desert of his planet, only to be embedded with the memories of its last pilot and the revelation that the war that littered the cosmos with graves is far from over. But no one believes Wren when he tells them that continuing to wake the Relics will bring the hostile alien empire that destroyed them back to Sol Galatea’s doorstep. Only Wren’s rival pilot, Marek Khalid, seems interested in a word Wren has to say. But Marek doesn’t want to save Sol Galatea. He has big plans for what to do when the aliens arrive, a rebellion to lead, and if Wren isn’t on his side, he’s in his way. With time running out, Wren must soon decide how far he’s willing to go to save the people that never tried to save him—or if Marek is right, and he should let the stars burn instead.

Genre: Adult Romantasy

Status: First Draft (1k/100k)

Once a year, Celestials from all across the Lumina Kingdom gather together for Eventide, the season of courtship, hoping to win the hand of the most eligible star at court. Sirius knows the game they play all too well: by day, he is the forgettable, miserable daughter of the Lumina Family, least of his seven siblings and wanted only for the royal blood running through his veins.  By night, however, Sirius is the Starweaver—the mysterious dressmaker taking the kingdom by storm. Everyone wants to know the identity of the one responsible for elaborate outfits that turn even the quietest Celestial in the room into the star of the show, outshining even Sirius’s luminous sibling, Diana. When the infamous King Beyond Midnight arrives with the intent to wed Diana, Sirius finds his secret in jeopardy when the condition for their hand in marriage is a simple challenge: reveal the Starweaver's true identity. There’s no outsmarting Octavian for long, and soon, Sirius will have to make a choice: give up on his passion and stay hidden forever, or risk everything to stay true to who he really is.

Genre: Second World Urban Fantasy

Status: Outlining

Something changes the day that Nakano Touya returns to the crumbling city of Soma Lux. It starts with voices in the radio static, blurry figures caught on camera, always out of focus. When a monster crawls out of Touya's television screen and eats him, the last thing he expects is to find a strange, shadowy otherworld lurking on the other side. But his biggest problem isn't the monsters of the otherworld that want to eat him, or the talking cat that saved him, now living in his apartment without a care in sight. Soma Lux is experiencing a strange new epidemic—one that Touya is completely unaffected by. But when his half-sister falls comatose, Touya knows he has to get to the bottom of it all to save her—and find out why he's the only one immune. Accompanied by his jaded ex-boyfriend, Touya’s nosy classmates, a part-time fortune teller, and a cantankerous old hag, Touya dives into the murky underbelly of Soma Lux, where the realities have begun to bleed together between his world and the next. 

That's all for now! >:3 Here's to an amazing 2024! (also my actual blog is a mess right now please do not mind it ksjndfskfn)

[tupperwaretub]

A male reader who's super cautious around people because their queer identity has been an issue in the past, and so Negan being so explicit and flirty all the time just relentlessly getting on their nerves, and Negan just find it's so funny until he starts to realize how genuine the annoyance is, and just being like. Dude why would you EVER care about what other people think when we all know these people are horrible, and they're wrong about EVERYTHING Else, so they're wrong about you. And then they kiss 😈 (is this too cringe am i cringe bro)

(A/n): TYSMMM for the request, this is so cute!! ALSO PLEASE KEEP SENDING REQUESTS ANYONE!! I'll write almost anything as long as it's not noncon or fetish. If you're unsure just look at my character list I'll link a list of what i will + wont write for

(Warnings): snarky Negan being himself, harsh language (it's negan duh)

(Summary): Before Negan arrived it was really easy to hide your sexuality, but when he went snooping and found old photos with your ex boyfriend he obviously couldn't keep his mouth shut but it definitely went better than you can expected.

....

You hid your sexuality even before you got to Alexandria but getting to Alexandria didn't help, the way the older folk looked at Aaron and Eric made you want to curl up and wither away. So you hid yourself, you hid your family pictures, you hid your pictures of friends at pride events and your ex boyfriend in fear of them finding out and shunning you. In your dream world you'd have your family pictures around your house in Alexandria, being able to see the faces of loved ones you'd lost and reminisce on a time before the outbreak but sacrifices have to be made in the new world.

When Negan started showing up you'd only just managed to settle in Alexandria, a lot of those who may of judged you had died and your group from before such as Rick pretty much ran the show around Alexandria now. You weren't at the line up and you hadn't seen Negan kill Abraham or Glenn, you didn't know Abraham well but he seemed nice enough although you never got too close due to an itching bad feeling he was homophobic. Glenn on the other hand you got on with well, being around the same age you both instinctively became close and you'd even considered telling him you were gay but in the end you decided not to, you had known how bad he was at keeping secrets since Hershel's farm when he told Dale about Loris pregnancy and the Hershel families secret zombie collection in the Barn. You feel slightly guilty for not telling him now he's gone though, he would've always had your back.

Less than a week later Negan came banging on the gate, you were counting ammunition and had noticed missing guns but decided it would be best to stay quiet right now. He sends his men to strip peoples houses of mattresses and items he decided he wanted, you're suddenly struck with a horrid feeling of nausea knowing your photos are hidden under your mattress so you run off back to the armory to pretend to check stock.

Around your fourth time checking the stock of guns and ammo Negan bursts in, "Well hey there... Y/n?" You nod. "I believe these are yours sweetheart." He hands you your photos and you swallow hard, you can't tell if you're about to cry or scream. "Don't worry i won't tell a soul, I'm not as bad as prick makes me out to be I wouldn't out someone. Well, assuming you're not out by the way all these photos were hidden under your mattress." You hide the photos in your back pocket and shrug. "I had my men leave your mattress there and maybe we could... You know, in return for my selflessness." He gets close to your face and smirks but backe off when his men enter and you hand them the lists of stock.

The next few time's Negan visits he flirts with you relentlessly, subtle to obvious.

When you saw him walking through the gates this time you sighed knowing it'd just be another day of annoyance, he walks straight up to you and smirks, "hey handsome..." You glare at him.

"Lighten up hon' you don't like a man like me being interested in you?" He laughs to himself and you just look away, almost seething with anger but holding back for Rick's sake. Negan sees your anger and his face shows how hard realisation hit him that you were genuinely annoyed with him and not just playing hard to get.

"Look, you don't have to act all macho to make people think you're not gay. Plus, i don't understand why you're even bothered about people knowing! It's the end of the damn world, laws don't exist anymore if you didn't realise, so if someone makes your life hard over your sexuality do what i do, bash some skulls in." Your eyes soften, while he doesn't exactly have a way with words you do understand his point. "I'm not like you." You respond to him with an ounce of bitterness but he smiles, "no you're not, but you get what I'm gettin' at." His hand brushes yours and you finally look up at him and your eyes lock. "Yeah... Yeah i guess you're right." You mutter and he smiles, his face gets a bit closer to yours. "Loosen up and have a bit of fun doll."

Your lips meet, at first you're unsure and think about pushing him away but his words ring in your head "loosen up and have a little fun" So you pull him closer and the pair of you share a passionate kiss.

Wherever this is going to go, you're sure it'll upset people but you've decided that if you're going to live in a world where you could die any day you'd rather die happy than moping and hiding yourself from others.

..............

(A/n): I hope you liked it! I loved the request, sorry it took so long I've got ridiculous amounts of work to get done so squeezed this in as much as possible!