jwnbwnjwn

[jwnbwnjwn]

The only thing you can do to make it better is do better. There isn’t a way to change what has happened but there is a way to change what will

[jwnbwnjwn]

Entry 11 (12.14.2022)

It’s been about 10 months since I’ve last posted on here. I think about it every here and there, but I never muster the energy to actually come and write about my life. I kind of want to ‘revamp’ this whole thing like, change the blog colors (which I more than likely will do), delete old entries and start fresh, but I also want to keep everything posted in here like set in stone, a one way ticket if you will? Anyways, I’ll start off reading from the last entry.

I started going to the gym again. Instead of only doing cardio, I actually step out of my bubble and do other workouts including weights in hopes of reaching my goal faster. There’s no particular diet here, just kind of trying to eat at home and eat less. I don’t want to feel like I’m depriving my body of food, but at the same time I want to work out and be healthy. Sooner or later though I hope I get a bit into calorie deficits and really just more into the whole gym life. My weight’s pretty good, last time I checked I was at about 184 but I haven’t checked since. I don’t beat myself up about weight, I focus more on how I feel considering my situation. And I’m not referring to a specific situation, I just mean like, considering what my day to day is and what is available to me. 

Because I did so shitty on my school the semester I posted the last entry, I tanked my GPA and was put into academic probation. That’s why this past fall semester that just ended, I grinded and put my mind to work. I got a planner and made sure to follow a schedule every week. I’m currently having trouble seeing my official grades, but my GPA did go from I believe a 1.7 to a 2.3 which is good! This pulls me out of academic suspension and into good standing. I’m already scheduled for my Spring semester and I’m looking into adding a victim studies minor to my degree and I should still finish on time, which is about a year from now. I’m almost done with college though, so I’m excited that this chapter is coming to an end soon. With my degree, I’m thinking of working with victims or if not, then an officer or something. I can get into border patrol or homeland security maybe. I’m thinking after I finish my bachelors in CJ, I’ll probably attend a culinary school for bakery and pastry arts or some sort. I’m doing this to get started on my dreams of owning a chocolate/candy store. However, I’m aiming to get a job once I get back in Huntsville for spring semester, this way I can save for an apartment soon and get started on well, adulting. 

I’m still on my journey of healing. I’ve been a lot happier since I last updated. It’s been mostly just focusing on myself and the energy I surround myself with. Might I include here I’ve been with Jam for 8 months now. It’s been such a great time, and I’m currently staying with him for Christmas break in his apartment. After being long distance for months, it’s great to be with each other for some time. I’ve been here since October, but my trip ends in January ): but that just means getting back on the grind and finishing faster so I can get to where I want to be. We’re looking into getting an apartment together this coming summer, here in SA. God willing, I’ll have a job here in SA and should be living with Jam and starting our life together. He’s my best friend, and it just really feels like I found my person. 

As long as friends go, I still keep my circle pretty small. I have Mac close by me and Ice, even though we don’t really talk - at this point it’s really just sending a snap a day to keep a streak alive along with a “I miss you” or “How are you” once every couple of weeks. When I came to stay with Jam I didn’t expect to get so close to his friends. I got really close with Kit and Sock, way past the point I’d consider them my own friends, especially Sock. She’s someone good I hold close. I also got into smoking the devils plant to be specific. I’ve tried blunts, bongs, edibles, pens, and it’s something I’d realistically keep doing for a couple of years. It makes me feel like a child and just, happy. Like, I believe everyone should be high, like all the time. Genuinely, I feel like it could make the world a better place. 

We plan on visiting the valley to see our family members for Christmas. I did go see my brother at his state competition last month and man, it was an experience in of itself again, but also nice because it had been some time since I had seen him. Other than that, that’s pretty much it. I think I’ll come back to update once a month, maybe even more. Life’s been going good, and I’m just spending it filled with love and people I care about. See ya soon (: 

Happy Holidays! Ended this on 12.14.2022 at 3:24 PM. 

-jen

[jwnbwnjwn]

Entry 10 (04.08.2022) - (05.04.2022)

Ironic how on my last data entry I was shocked how it took me about half a year to update, yet here I am almost a whole year later. I had plans to blog, but I kept pushing it off thinking the last time I did wasn’t that far long ago. I guess I’ll start by reading off my last entry and go on from there. 

I never started keto again, I mean I wanted to, but I never got around to actually doing it. I’m glad I didn’t though, I feel like that was the tipping point of the start of an eating disorder. It’s kinda sad to think I was at that point where I would plan to change my diet and body for anyone. I get it if I wanted to lose weight, and I did, but in hopes it would make Mr. love me again. The thing is, I wasn’t even big, I was skinny, average, normal. Even now, a year later, I’ve gained weight, but i’m still normal ; i’m fine with my weight and my body - i’m fine. I see I had also mentioned how i got vaccianted cause of covid. My thoughts on vaccinations and the medical field have changed, and to say the least, i’m not against it, I just think encouraging our bodies to naturally heal and fight diseases is best. I like to think we were born with everything we need, why would we come into this world missing things for survival? Yeah things develop, that’s why our bodies need to as well, but in a natural way. Not some man made drug that profits off the fear installed into society. I’d like to get into veganism eventually, but weening off of the sick American diet is hard especially since I’ve been on it for my 21 years of life. I mentioned how I was starting summer classes in the last entry. I did end up transferring to my dream uni, and it’s been good. i’ve finally settled into the town and actual uni life. My grades haven’t been the best, so I’m just kind of waiting until summer to redeem myself. I’m just trying to find myself in this world again. My relationship with my dad has gotten better. I left it off how we were in an argument, and he eventually ended up coming home for a bit and apologizing - not as grand as I would’ve wanted it to be, but he did apologize in fear of losing his daughters. Now he’s back home in Indiana and he plans on coming back to our hometown soon towards the end of the year. He always says that and lies so I’ll try to keep this updated to see if he really does. He said he was aiming for October I think. I reached out to that professor and then dipped - I legit never responded even though it stays in the back of my mind. I mean I got back to this, that’s progress, so I’m sure i’ll do it eventually. I’ll aim for this week. I left my job back in August of 2021 because I was getting ready to move to my uni. It was a good job, and I meant to get a job when I came to school but I never got around to it. I kinda don’t want to work ever again, well lazy jobs I mean. Next job I have would probably be within my degree hopefully. 

I am also no longer with Mr. I don’t know if you’re as surprised as I am typing it out, to me atleast I just never thought it would actually ever happen. Let me elaborate. The last thing I had mentioned about him was the incident he got himself into regarding the pictures. That eventually blew over and the few months before I had to pack and move 7ish hours were good between us. It had finally felt like things were how they were supposed to be. He came to drop me off along with my family and things were good. It wasn’t until I was finally alone in this new town that I actually started processing everything that had happened. My body and mind were coming to the realization that what he did wasn’t right in any way at all. I started feeling guilty, and sick and responsible for enabling it. I also noticed that he wasn’t talking to me as much as he used to. We knew it was going to be hard considering we were starting long distance so we had planned to call every night or anytime we had time just so we wouldn’t lose that connection, however he never wanted to. I get if he was busy, but the thing is even before when I was there and he was busy he always had time for me, yet now he didn’t have time for a phone call? Atleast one? Anyways, I was starting to realize I didn’t mean as much to this man like I thought I did, and after talking to him and things not changing, I knew I was going to break up with him. Throughout all of this I was talking to this friend here at uni, and with the temptation growing stronger each day, one night changed everything. Mr. was asleep so I wasn’t going to drop a whole breakup text for him to wake up to, but at the same time this friend, let’s call him vampire, had me riled up; I’m talking like, we were so incredibly horny that we needed to fuck so bad, and that’s cause I was on my period at the time. I figured it wouldn’t be so bad to have sex with vampire if I was going to break up with Mr. the next day anyways, so I did it. I had sex. And I know it wasn’t the right choice, I know now that I shouldn’t have caused the unnecessary pain. Although, let me add this sex wasn’t good, however it was the first time I ever felt anything during intercourse. It did feel good every here and there, nothing exciting but, I felt something you know? Anyways, the next morning I sent a text breaking up with him for the reasons stated above, however I felt even worse because the guilt of cheating ate me alive. And it broke my heart seeing him so worried because I hadn’t replied in the last almost 48 hours. But seeing him beg not to leave him as things were starting to get good (which doesn’t make sense to me considering the little effort he put into communicating) broke my heart. I told him what happened, and how I cheated and I mean, I told him the truth you know? He was surprised, and shocked, and this eventually led to a break between us, not a break up, but a break ; so that we can both focus on ourselves to better eachother and each own. This took place sometime in October.  As the month went on, I noticed he didn’t care to communicate, which I mean, he had that right. I don’t remember specifics or really much from that month, but one night where I was having a panic attack and called him in the middle of the night, hoping he would pick up, he didn’t. Even when he woke up and saw it, he didn’t call, text, nothing. I took it as my sign that he had given up, that he didn’t care at all. I texted him asking what was up, why didn’t he care you know? And he basically said he didn’t want to, he had chosen to focus on himself. And after a intense talk about how much we meant to eachother, we both mutually agreed to break it off. We officially broke this off on November 18th I think. I asked him if he would want to try this again years down the road, and he had said 100% yes. I held this dear to my heart for the months after. I mean, I thought I had expericed love before, but what I would call that now would be lust. This, what I had with Mr., this was love. This was my first heartbreak, my first love. And breaking up and dealing with it and focusing on moving on was an experience. The months passed by, and really it was almost a no contact breakup. I had messaged him when I saw he graduated, just to congratulate him and he replied thankful for the message. And then as my final goodbye I messaged him on NYE to say I hope he was doing good and that I had much love for him, and he replied that he loves me, and foolishly I replied I love him too. And that was it. I wanted to start the new year free from it all. 

The months after this I spent on my own, learning things and getting back into hobbies. Mr’s bestfriend, let’s call him Lemon. A little background about my history with lemon, we went to middle school together for a year before I transferred to another school, and we dated the next year for a bit. It was literally one of those middle school relationships, but I remember I did like him a lot, to the point where I considered him my first love for a while. We broke up and then I didn’t talk to him for the longest time, and he showed up one day as Mr’s best friend because they both play the same instrument. And when Mr. and I were together, I would see Lemon a bit and we would talk, but not as much as we obviously would - I mean we just weren’t that close. After we broke up though, I thought he was going to cut me off and completely just remove me as a friend you know - because I saw him as more of Mr’s friend than mine. But when we broke up he told me I’m his friend too, and we eventually grew closer as he was there for me after my breakup. Now he’s extremely close to both my siblings, we play psn almost every week and at this point Lemon is a brother to me. After some time, I wanted to give the dating scene a change again, kind of out of curiosity. I got tinder back in December when I went home from Christmas, and I matched with several people however it didn’t really turn into anything; just your basic tinder chats. There was this one guy who I had matched with that I thought was hilarious because he looked similar to Mr., and I thought, “Wouldn’t it be so funny if this was the guy I ended up with?”. It would be one of those relationships where people date someone who look like their ex. I just remember laughing and thinking people who did that were weird. Anyways, I start chatting with this guy and we eventually moved it over to Instagram where we would chat for a bit. He was funny, I’ll give him that. He made me laugh and we had the same sense of humor. We would go on to talk for I think about two weeks? I went back to uni for college and I just remember he was about to move to SA to live. Anyways, the conversation died down and I stopped replying because I mean, I was bored. I didn’t give it a second thought. I mean I always meant to unfollow him, I just never did cause I got lazy. After this, I was back in my uni town and I had matched with this guy who was 28, and it was whatever, but he suddenly asked me to go over one day and I was like yo? It started a whole conversation that would go on for weeks, and eventually we did hook up. He was attractive, I’ll give him that. And it was cute, when I walked in he had candles lit up since I was scared of the dark. The experience was good I guess, I’m just glad it happened with someone so chill. Afterwards he wanted to go out to get lunch and stuff but I never took him up on it. One day I guess he got tired of it all and asked what was the point of us keeping in contact if it wasn’t going to turn into anything, and I mean I didn’t mind the company but seems he did since he left me on delivered for the longest time after that. Here in my town we use this app called yikyak, where people can annonymously post and anyone within the app thats in a 5 mile radius gets your posts in their feed. There was this guy who had asked if anyone wanted to sext for a bit, and I took his offer since I was bored. I thought I was going to have to entertain this guy, but actually the sext conversation was good and it got me excited - these sexts don’t happen honestly. I felt like I was Jane in Jane the Virgin that one time she was sexting her professor. Anyways this went on for like two days? before I eventually gave in in the middle of the night and went over to his place at 3 am to have sex. I mean, atleast the sexts were good because the actual altercation as disappointing. He was so gentle, and I’ll give him points for that, but almost too gentle where he seemed scared. He touched me for a bit and I didn’t feel anything after a while. He literally just touched me, he didn’t eat me out or anything. After what seemed forever he asked to put it in and this man busted in what seemed 2 minutes. It was so overhyped I wanted to die. Afterwards he kept touching me until eventually I faked it and I just chilled for a bit until he basically kicked me out for some sleep LMAO. It was the most overhyped thing in my life. I mean, every woman has one of those right? An experience where the guy busts in under 5 mins? After this I just kept doing my thing, just chillin. I never kept up with either of them after that. Remember the guy I had mentioned at the beginning of this paragraph that was moving to SA? After I ghosted him, I didn’t message him again until valentines day. I still had him on Instagram only because I was too lazy and procrastinated removing him - I mean I’m very private about my social medias, so for me not to talk to this guy anymore, I always planned on removing him. I would swipe up on his stories and one day we just rekindled. We would stay up talking all night and day and overtime I mean, we grew to like each other - like really like each other. Eventually we got really close and he was determined to come see me in person, despite my college town is three, almost a four hour drive from where he lives. Honestly, we were both nervous meeting eachother. I would even question and doubt what I was doing, having this guy I’ve never met before come visit and stay with me for a bit. Like seriously, I would just sit in doubt and ask if I was doing the “right” thing, because it’s almost like I felt guilty for talking and getting this close to another male after Mr. But I knew if I kept myself in that mindset, I would never move on, and I would never move past things. So this guy came over, let’s call him Jam. Jam came over and it was a bit nerve wrecking at first, but I quickly got comfortable with him. He was so sweet, and so nice that it made it so easy to be my true authentic self with him. And I think he was too, even though he was a little bit more nervous than I was. The first night we were getting ready for bed, and that’s the first night we had sex. And it was amazing. I’ve had sex with guys before, but usually it’s more for their pleasure, and I usually don’t get turned on, I’m just kind of there for my body to be used. But with Jam, I actually was in the mood, and the whole intercourse happened how it was supposed to. Both parties were in the mood, we were feeling it - it was great. And it was a big step for me because this was the first time I ever felt this way with sex. I was so scared for so long that I wasn’t going to be able to have good ol sex, that there was something wrong with me, or I didn’t know what I was doing, but with Jam it all just fell into place. We had sex multiple times for the short four/five days he stayed with me, and it was great. Not only that, but we talked about everything, our fears, lives, hopes, like seriously - everything. The days he was with me we spent eating, watching tv shows, and just bonding with eachother. It was great, and amazing, and when the time came for him to leave we both cried like a bunch of weasels. It was great after that and about a month later, he came to visit me again in late April. His birthday was in the middle of the month, so I got him a goodnight punpun sweater, which is a manga he got me into that literally destroyed my heart. A manga I hold close though, becasue I kin almost all of the characters. We spent about five days together again, and this time it was so much better. His first day here after we came back from getting breakfast, we were in my room and he held my hands and asked me to be his girlfriend. 4/21/2022. We had so much sex, but not only that, but I finally finished for the first time, like climaxed. Now THAT is something I thought would never happen. I thought there was something legitimately wrong with me because I mean I could never feel good with someone, much less finish. But Jam got me there, and may I add, even made me squirt. He even got me to try crawfish, something I never thought I would just because they look so scary, but I did and it was so good. We got so much closer this time around and it was amazing. And when the time did come for him to leave, it was very sad again. Ever since then things have been good. We still text and call all the time. I even told my dad and siblings about him. I’ll tell my mom when I see her in person, but other than that my family knows. He’s told his mom about me as well, she said i’m cute c: I see him again sometime next month, since this relationship is mostly long term. But thats fine, I know its special with him - I feel it. Almost like it’s the one, you know?

All these blessings to my life and there still is unfortunate things that have happened. I ended my friendship with Seatbelt. I had come across a tiktok that had said “Not being friends with the person that traumatized my friend”, and I laughed and it and thought to myself “Ha.” because seatbelt had previously been friends with this one girl who despised me and Ice. And then I thought to myself “I wonder if she is friends with the guy that assaulted me?”, so I unblocked him on facebook and checked, and to my surprise she is. In the process of doing so, I thought to myself like, theres no way she would be friends with him still. I mean I didn’t think she was that low of a person. Thats the keyword though, I didn’t think. I asked her why, and she said she thought it was another guy who assaulted me - but this just showed me how little she payed attention to the many times I told her what happened. Not only that, but she followed Jam on Instagram and then unfollowed him AFTER he followed her, which I thought was also pretty weird. So I decided to call it quits, since she wanted to play it as if I’m the one who did wrong. She had always been shady, but this was a whole other level. I remember when me and Mr. had broken up, she would always text when she would see him, or when he was near her. Like, I don’t care man. It felt like she was rubbing it in my face, and for no good reason too. So, I figured I didn’t need someone like that in my life, especailly after I’m so personal with everyone after the incident with Mr. I remember Seatbelt had told me how she was going through her moms messages and found out the boyfriend of this girl we went to school with had been flirting with her mom. I didn’t want any karma, much less relationship karma coming for me so I decided to tell the girl, and I felt good doing it. After this Seatbelt blocked me on Facebook and Instagram. I don’t mind, I mean, I’d rather lose a shady friend than be on edge all the time.

Other than this, nothing else has happened. Its finals week right now and I go home sometime next week, which I am excited for. It took me a while to finish this post, but I’m slowly but surely getting back on things. I’ll update again eventually. See you soon.

Ended this at 05.04.2022 at 4:42 PM.

-jen

[jwnbwnjwn]

You and I are perfect for each other. Never believe anything else.

[jwnbwnjwn]

Entry 9 (05.09.2021) - (06.04.2021)

Before I get into things, I cant believe I haven’t been on here in almost half a year. Well, to be fair I do get on here, but just for a quick minute to see my small feed and then get off, or whenever I get those notifications from tumblr desperately trying to get me to open their app again. I actually have been meaning to get on here and write, but I guess it became one of things you say and never do. I just felt that there was so much on my life to update on that I kept pushing it back further and further. I know I don't have to, but someday I’d like to see what was going on in my time back in the day - both good and bad, Besides, it’d be an interesting thing for my kids and for my older self to look back upon and see what bullshit went on. Reading off my last entry, I see I brought up that keto diet again. Yeah, that shit never stuck. It was one of those things that I tried once and it went great, and then I kept trying it time after time and it failed every time. Even now, this month, Im still trying to get back into it. And by “getting back into it”, I mean I told Mr. that I was gonna do this diet with him, and then i continued eating like crap - but wait I have an excuse. My sisters birthday was the week that we were supposed to start, so I mean, I couldn’t step out on my sisters birthday bro, I had to eat that good good you know? 

Covid is still a thing. Update on that though, I did get vaccinated. My university opened up vaccinations for students and so me and Mr. The first vaccination didn’t hurt at all, to be honest I didn’t even feel the dang thing go in. And it was so funny because after you get the vaccine they monitor you for fifteen minutes and Mr. legit had the worst luck and sat in the only available seat which was in the corner between an Asian girl who was on the verge of throwing up and someone who was laying down in a bed about to pass out. I mean, it was hilarious imagining if they were to throw up on him, and besides with the jokes we made, It was so hard to keep in my laughter. The second vaccine was about two weeks after the first, and there was some sting to that one. I didn’t get any crazy symptoms, but my head was spinning and i felt very tired, the best way I could describe it is when you’re really sleepy and you just wanna sleep all day and your eyes are heavy, like that. Like, the best type of sleepy where you’re about to knock out. The only bad thing to it was your head spinning but thats it, I guess it made you feel very weak aswell. 

*Sidenote: It literally took me almost a whole month to come back to this draft and finish it. It is currently 06.04.2021.

Last thing I was talking about was the Covid vaccine. Yeah, the symptoms weren’t too bad, it was just the dizziness I guess. My sister got the vaccine this past month and she experienced the same symptoms as well, and so did Mr., Ice, and my mom. I already finished with my spring semester, and summer classes just started. I’m taking a Crij course this summer just to get it out of the way already, and I am retaking Biol 1 in Summer 2. Aside from this, it has been really shitty. I guess the least worst thing that’s happened so far is that my older brother came to visit back in March this year. I haven’t seen him in a long time, but it wasn’t all exciting. I’m not sure if I’ve talked about him before on here, but long story short, he’s caused my siblings and I a lot of trauma from when we were at a younger age. When he came, it was just one of those things where it was really awkward at first and then it just kind of became a “faking everythings good” type of thing. After this, shit really hit the fan. 

I never thought this would be anywhere near a part of my story but,

*Trigger Warning: child exploitation*.

I believe I have mentioned before that I had gone to couples counseling with Mr. This was back in early-midway 2020. We had gotten better, so our counselor saw fit that we stop going. It was scary at first, because we felt like things were just going to collapse again now that no one was going to be there to help support our relationship in a healthy way, but it was actually great. Individually, I was really scared too. I mean, I was used to things blowing up eventually over and over again, so you could imagine the hesitation I had when I had to actually trust Mr. again, and I mean like actually trust. I was practically forced to put my walls down and trust him, and I fought him and our counselor so hard on it, but it was like the whole world was against me because left and right people were telling me to trust him, so I did. I was really worried at first. The first couple of months were normal, but there was several times where I would overthink things, and look for things to go wrong. I’d stay up and stalk his social medias, his friends social medias, like, I was looking everywhere. I guess this is what gave me the slightest hint about what was going on. I had gone through his likes on twitter and saw that he had “hearted” a photo of a girls onlyfans. And it wasn’t just a regular girl, It was someone we knew and went to highschool with. This girl was someone that Mr. and his friends would always tease and bully, and I don’t know why, maybe it’s some misogony, but there is always going to be something sketchy when it comes to a certain group of guys and girls they tease. They say all this stuff about them, but once that girl is exposed in the slightest, they are all there jerking their meat to them. Anyways, I confronted him about it and he said that he had clicked on the profile just to see what it was and once he realized what it was he exited out. I gave him the benefit of the doubt, and moved on. Towards the end of the year, I’d say around late October, I started believing that things were okay. I even talked to my friends about it and stated how weird it felt for things to be okay, almost as if it felt wrong, but they assured me that if I had nothing to worry about, then don’t. To just be free, be happy. And then my world was crushed. In early to mid December, I woke up to several messages on my phone from a girl I recognized, but never had any contact with. I had previously known her because she was an ex to a former friend of mine. However, because she messaged me on messanger and deleted the messages before I had the chance to read them, I couldn’t see what was said. I was only able to see that I had gotten messages and that they were deleted. I replied to her and asked what was up, because I was extremely confused as to why this girl was messaging me in the first place. Her reply was, “Do you know “Mr.”?. This legit shook me to the fucking core because it is what I had feared all along. I was so tense for months, and once I had finally relaxed, this shit gets thrown in my face. She started asking if I knew my own boyfriend, and said that I might want to talk to him. I remember I kept asking her what was going on, but she just kept repeating the same thing; to talk to him first. And it was really odd because the night before, Mr. had messaged me a long paragraph explaining how he loved me, and how he’s made mistakes, and how life is so hard on him, and just basically explaining himself to me in such a vague way. But I took it to heart, because he opened up to me on his own after months of me asking him to. I didn’t wait to think of it as an apology for what was coming. That was the last message he had sent me before I got the message from this girl. Lets call her Desert. I was spamming Mr. with calls, texts, I even tracked his location and he had turned it off. Eventually I came to the conclusion that he had gone back to doing what he used to, which was something dealing with nudes or that he had cheated on me, or both. I ran to my friends scared half to death; I couldn’t eat, talk, I was freaking the fuck out. It’s almost as if my body knew, and was preparing itself. Mr. got back to me later at night, but he didn’t want to tell me anything about what was going on until I threatened to leave him. I recall telling him that I’m done waiting, and that I needed answers now or I was going to bombard Desert with them and hear it from someone else and leave. This is when he told me. He told me that months ago, after our couples therapy had ended, an old friend of his, someone we went to highschool with, lets call him Bucket. For some insight, Bucket is some bad fucking news. This guy is the last person you would want any of your family around. And I remember he had started talking to bucket and some other friends from highschool again, but I don’t know why my peanut brain didn’t think exactly who he was getting involved with again. Anyways, he told me that Bucket had reached out to him and asked if Mr. had any lewd photos of girls. Reminder: this was something they had been doing back in highschool. Mr. told him no, and that was that. Bucket kept coming back and asking, over and over again, and after Mr. gave some more thought to it, he remembered that he had his old SIM card from his old phone and that he might have something on there. He checked it, and sure enough there was. Let me pause you right here. When we were in couples counseling and as it was coming to an end, I expressed my worries about the SIM card. I had known that Mr. was doing this stuff back then, so I knew he had photos on this card. I think his phone had cracked or something like that, so thats why he got a new phone. When I asked about the SIM card, he said he had given the phone and SIM card to his sister, and that they were gone. I thought it was super weird because not long before that he said that he was hesitant to give the phone to his sister and idk what, it was weird. Anyways, back to the story. Mr. sent the photos to Bucket, and from there was the start of our downfall. Mr. got invested in it, and he got back into trading nudes and lewd photos of girls. This already sounds bad, but the worst part is that these were old photos. This SIM card went years back, and I mean years back to when he was in highschool doing this. What I am trying to get at is that he had photos of girls from highschool, meaning underage for the most part. Mr. is 22, and he was 22 at the time he got invested into this again. I didn’t even know what to think of it. I felt like throwing up, like my intestines were going to come out of my mouth and like I was going to die. I literally had a feeling of disgust and anger, not only for him lusting over other people, but the ages of the people he was lusting over. I, as well as many others, consider this child p^rn. I now had this idea that I was dating this pedophile for years, and was barely finding out. I felt like fucking dying, all those sacrifices, are for this? That was at worst as it got. Desert reached out to me to tell me about this, because Desert was Buckets ex girlfriend, and now babymomma. She had found out and let me know. However, Mr. found out she was doing this and talked to her, and convinced her that he would let me know and that it was for the better, and she let him. Desert sent me screenshots that she had found through Buckets account between him and Mr., and I can’t even begin to describe how hard my heart fell through my ass. It hurt like i just got shot in the throat. It was through her and these screenshots that I also found out that he had previously planned to hook up with one of our old friends, as well as other people. I’m not even going to go into the degrading words he had said about the fellow girlies I (used) to be friends with. It was a fucking mess when I met up with him. I told him that he was a pedophile, and it went to hell from there. I’m talking massive breakdowns, crying, yelling, you name it. I was telling him people were going to report this, hell, I told him I was going to report this. I’ll save you the hours of repetition, I didnt report shit, well, not at this moment. He also let me know that he had been buying this girls onlyfans, remember the girl I mentioned earlier, the one who I caught him hearting photos of? Yeah, he had been buying her onlyfans, and his friends and him were pitching in for it. What ended up happening was that Desert had told me and let me know that she was going to be notifying the girls that these pigs had photos of, and that it was up to them what they wanted to do. I let her know that it was fine, and that I would support whatever it was they did, meaning, if they were to make a report on them, so be it. He’s a grown man, he dug himself in this hole. What ended up coming of it all; I believe she is still notifying the girls about the photos and the pigs, because it’s still being brought up recently. I’m still with Mr., if that’s what you want to know. It hurt a lot, hearing it all, and I took some time for myself to figure out what I want to do, to figure out how to go about it, hell, to catch a breather. We didn’t spend valentines day together because of this. I was there to support him though, because he was scared that each day was going to be his last, meaning either the cops were going to get to him first or he was himself. I was there for him, I supported him, cared for him, even though I was supposed to be the one to receive that treatment. But I did it because I love him. I know it sounds stupid, especially if you consider everything. But I do love him. I’ve known this man for about 5 years, and even though he is such a fucking stupid person, I could tell this wasn’t the way he wanted things for himself. I could tell that he never wanted to be in that place, but it’s where he ended up. Mr. has been going through a rough time lately, I know how difficult things are for him. I don’t know if I’ve mentioned it before, but he’s at home all the time taking care of his very ill father. I can only imagine the lengths that something like that would take you through. I know many people suffer with many different things, and many use different outlets to release themselves of this pressure and stress. I believe because this was something that Mr. had previously been involved with, and because Bucket reached out at the time, this was the path that led him to the biggest mistake of his life. He found his comfort in these photos, this environment, these people. I know many struggle with porn addiction, drinking, sex addiction, intrusive thoughts, etc. I just think the demons caught him at the “perfect” timing. I believe he had been suffering through intrusive thoughts for a while. And with the stress and pressure from his family duties and his friends, it led to this. I know it hurt, and I never would’ve pictured ourselves in that situation, ever. But, I also knew that that person I was dealing with, was not the Mr. I knew. I knew he was somewhere in there, but I also knew that he was dealing with something greater than just stress. It was a whole mountain of ugly things. And yeah, I could’ve walked away and moved on with my life, but once you get to know somebody inside and out, and get to know and fall in love with them for every ounce of their being, I don’t believe the choice to “walk out” is there anymore. I believe at that point they become a part of you, they become family. It’s not that I didn’t have the strength or the choice to leave, because I did. It’s more that I couldn’t leave him to suffer knowing that’s what he was doing; suffering. I wanted him to get better, I didn’t want to see him behind bar cells, or even worse. I needed him to get better for himself, and for his future. I know many won’t understand, but that’s alright. As long as we understand, that’s all I needed. We stayed together, and overtime we took care of one another. We now stand in a better place, one where forgiving has been a big part of. It’s going well again. We tried going to couples counseling, but our counselor had a waitlist and pushed it all the way until the coming fall, and I mean im not going to be here so there is not going to be any couples counseling to begin with, but thats alright. We did do it for a week before she had to push us back, and in that week when I opened up to her about what had taken place, she believed it to be the extreme measures to involve cps and make a report. She made a vague report, and since I was the one to speak on it, it was as if I had made the report. However, nothing came out of it because it was not ongoing and cps didn’t think it was extreme enough to open up a case about. I think we have come to a place where were good now though. Recently, one of the explosive girls that they had photos of reached out to Ice, my very close friend, and warned her about the people she was involving herself with. She was talking about me, and how I am involved with Mr. I guess she warned her because people are starting to look at me weirdly for being his girlfriend. Ice let me know, and I told my friends that I would never put them in such a bad situation where they have to like who my partner is, and I let them know that if they felt like I was someone they no longer wanted to be associated with, then I would understand if they left. They didn’t leave. I don’t really care for people to start looking at me weirdly, because it simply isn’t like that. We know the truth, Mr., my close friends, and I, and I am okay with that. He started going to counseling again, and I have found myself at peace with the world. I understand how crazy it can all be y’know? I don’t know how I’ve come to be the person I am today, but I’m thankful for it. I know peace, I know life, and I know what love is. I strive to fill my life with these and live as comfortable of a life that I possibly can. My relationship is good, work is still being done, but it is good. I can ask for nothing more but for us to be blessed with another day of being together. 

My relationship with my father has plummeted. I had reached out to him early in the year about what was happening in my relationship, and I did find my comfort in my own dad. However, what I failed to realize was that my own father was a man who had misogynist views of his own. I forgot that he was a creep, and someone who Mr. would end up like if he didn’t try to make himself better. Along with this, I realized the absence he made in my family and the way he treated my siblings. My sister and mom have talked to him, and oh man, did my sister and I let him have it. He knows why we aren’t speaking. He constantly apologizes, says he’s been “joking” about the way he sees woman, as if joking about it for the last 20 years is even possible. It’s just gaslighting, and it’s not working. That’s why we don’t talk anymore. He can’t even realize how sick he is, and tries to save his ass from losing his daughters by calling it “joking”, which evidently makes it worse. 

I have reached out to a former professor of mine to be my mentor, and he has said yes. This man is someone I highly respect who I took for an Engl course for my basics. He’s an older man, who just recently retired from teaching. I’m just glad I can be able to remain in contact with someone who I see myself in. 

I can also finally say that I am finally moving to my dream university this coming fall. It has all been approved, and I have a dorm and all. I’m very excited, but also saddened to be leaving my family and friends. I also have to share that I have a job now! I am currently a hotel receptionist working night hours, which is where I am writing this blog at right now. I love this job, and I love the people and the hours. It’s very peaceful for a college student like myself. 

Well, I’ve finally caught you guys up. I hope it brings you a giggle to say that through writing this, I have a slight lag to my typing because of all the shit I had to say. I’ll try to write more often. I hope you guys remain safe. See you soon. 

Ended this at 06.04.2021 at 5:28 AM.

-jen

[jwnbwnjwn]

I like sleep. My life has a tendency to fall apart when I’m awake, you know?

- Ernest Hemingway

[jwnbwnjwn]

[jwnbwnjwn]

[jwnbwnjwn]

I forgot to add, but I’m also waiting for b*lle delhp*ne to drop her sex tape on Christmas Day and for my laptop to come back since I sent it in to get fixed.

Entry 8 (12.20.2020)

 Well, it’s been a while since I’ve posted an entry on here. My last one was back in September, and man a lot has happened since. First off, My sleeping schedule has been messed up for the past couple of days, and in a bit I’ll get to why. I don’t know if I’ve mentioned it in any of the last posts but, if I didn’t then my goal for the last couple of months has been to get on a (keto) diet and lose some weight, and I’m here to tell you I still haven’t, I haven’t even stuck to a diet for that matter. The only diet I’ve had has consisted of take out and midnight snacks. Anyways, now let’s get down to business. I went ahead and read my latest blog post before this and I laughed at the fact that I said I was starting a diet, yeah that never happened. Im happily at 160 lbs at the moment (not really happy about it but oh well). 

I mean covid-19 is still going on, its kinda spiking then calming down, spiking again, and its just this whole repeating situation. Everyone’s still wearing and masks and doing everything to be safe, although I think my towns cases are starting to go down. It is around Christmas time so they’re starting to decorate everything, all the parks and stuff; so hopefully that doesn’t spike the numbers up again. When going out though I still have to be careful, I can’t catch covid and give it to my loved ones, and I would rather not make history and get sick. 

I guess I should start here. I wish my life was still the same as it was during my last entry. I really do. I wouldn’t have known what I do now and I would’ve just been at peace, happily living my life and struggling with school. I ended up getting a D in that biology course, and dropping that math and history course. Yeah, it was a pretty shitty school year tbh. I’ve never been that lazy and unmotivated when it comes to school but man, this fall year really took a toll on me because I legit did nothing all year. In result of it, my gpa went to absolute shit and down to a 2.8. I now gotta make that up during the summer and try to get it as high as i possibly can. I just finished my second fall semester so I’ve been on Christmas break for about a week now, but honestly this break feels so lazy and gross. I am reading my last entry to see what I can catch everyone up on, as things have changed drastically. I mean my friendships are still fine, I still keep in contact with seatbelt and ice and maria. I keep in contact with them almost daily honestly. About my relationship, thats where I wish things were the way they were three months ago. Without going over too much detail, a girl reached out to me and let me know her boyfriend and Mr. were trading girls nudes again. Honestly hearing this a second time broke my heart, but I really didnt have much of a reaction to it. It hurts every here and there, but I guess im forcing myself to open my heart and forgive and forget so I can go ahead and move on already. Mr. and I are in a certain situation trying to avoid law enf*rc*m*nt so things have been kind of hard recently. He’s been seeing me many times this week just because of the fear itself that one day might be his last time to see me, but I think things are starting to cool down with our/his situation, so hopefully he’s not walking on eggshells too longer, because seeing him worried makes me worried and vice versa. He’s looking into going to therapy and having a closer relationship between him and god, in order to get rid of his old ways and make himself into the better person he needs to become. I can’t really get into details about the situation on here as it legit would be the most dumbest thing I could possibly do, but in result of getting closure about it, he told me he was planning on purposing in the near future, like before 2021 is over - but then he had to go fuck it up and put that on hold. After talking about it we’re going to have to attend counseling once again, but in hopes of fixing our relationship and getting closer again. I love him a lot, I do, but man he is one dumb ass person. I really hope and pray he gets his stuff together, because I really do want to spend the rest of my life with him. I mean, I guess we’re kind of in an awkward part in our relationship, but its honestly because of the situation we’re in, so we just have to work through this and rebuild the trust he ruined. I know he’s going to be going to individual counseling for sure, but I have a feeling that’s just going to turn into couples counseling the way it happened the first time. I hope I can get myself to go into counseling for myself as well, because man, I really do want to work through these issues I have deep down inside of me, but I can’t find the courage I need at the moment - maybe after all of this is done I will. Mr.’s dad is still really sick, but im still praying to god and the heavens above he gets better. I’ve been talking to my dad a lot and my relationship has been improving, while my moms and I’s is kind of going backwards slowly. About those two discord friends, I dont know why I put “crunch” as one of them. I forgot what his first nickname was, but I know it wasn crunch. I mean his name is cesar, so i guess i got mixed up lol but yeah i’m not friends with c*sar and shr*mp anymore. I mean I got really close with him, and I did consider im an important person in my life, until one day I logged onto Discord to see he kicked me out of the server and blocked me, which eventually resulted in everyone from the server blocking me and deleting me off roblox so, I pretty much had no say in it. There wasn’t even a reason TO block me, I legit just logged on randomly and was blocked. Although I found out through someone else who was also in the server before he himself blocked me that apparently I was jealous of shr*mp and I guess calling c*sar manipulative got him upset and thinking so he blocked me lmao. Anyways, because of this I dont really play Roblox that often anymore, but instead I watch anime now. Currently waiting on AOT’s new episode releasing today so, thats something exciting to look forward to. I cant wait for christmas just so i can see the look on my siblings face when they see what I got them lol. I also got Mr. a chain bracelet, so I hope he likes it and actally wears it. There’s not really much else except being on eggshells with Mr. and wasting my life away. I’ll keep you guys updated. I’ll try to post on here more often.

Ended this at 12.20.2020 at 8:27 AM

-jen

[jwnbwnjwn]

Entry 8 (12.20.2020)

 Well, it’s been a while since I’ve posted an entry on here. My last one was back in September, and man a lot has happened since. First off, My sleeping schedule has been messed up for the past couple of days, and in a bit I’ll get to why. I don’t know if I’ve mentioned it in any of the last posts but, if I didn’t then my goal for the last couple of months has been to get on a (keto) diet and lose some weight, and I’m here to tell you I still haven’t, I haven’t even stuck to a diet for that matter. The only diet I’ve had has consisted of take out and midnight snacks. Anyways, now let’s get down to business. I went ahead and read my latest blog post before this and I laughed at the fact that I said I was starting a diet, yeah that never happened. Im happily at 160 lbs at the moment (not really happy about it but oh well). 

I mean covid-19 is still going on, its kinda spiking then calming down, spiking again, and its just this whole repeating situation. Everyone's still wearing and masks and doing everything to be safe, although I think my towns cases are starting to go down. It is around Christmas time so they’re starting to decorate everything, all the parks and stuff; so hopefully that doesn't spike the numbers up again. When going out though I still have to be careful, I can’t catch covid and give it to my loved ones, and I would rather not make history and get sick. 

I guess I should start here. I wish my life was still the same as it was during my last entry. I really do. I wouldn’t have known what I do now and I would’ve just been at peace, happily living my life and struggling with school. I ended up getting a D in that biology course, and dropping that math and history course. Yeah, it was a pretty shitty school year tbh. I’ve never been that lazy and unmotivated when it comes to school but man, this fall year really took a toll on me because I legit did nothing all year. In result of it, my gpa went to absolute shit and down to a 2.8. I now gotta make that up during the summer and try to get it as high as i possibly can. I just finished my second fall semester so I’ve been on Christmas break for about a week now, but honestly this break feels so lazy and gross. I am reading my last entry to see what I can catch everyone up on, as things have changed drastically. I mean my friendships are still fine, I still keep in contact with seatbelt and ice and maria. I keep in contact with them almost daily honestly. About my relationship, thats where I wish things were the way they were three months ago. Without going over too much detail, a girl reached out to me and let me know her boyfriend and Mr. were trading girls nudes again. Honestly hearing this a second time broke my heart, but I really didnt have much of a reaction to it. It hurts every here and there, but I guess im forcing myself to open my heart and forgive and forget so I can go ahead and move on already. Mr. and I are in a certain situation trying to avoid law enf*rc*m*nt so things have been kind of hard recently. He’s been seeing me many times this week just because of the fear itself that one day might be his last time to see me, but I think things are starting to cool down with our/his situation, so hopefully he’s not walking on eggshells too longer, because seeing him worried makes me worried and vice versa. He’s looking into going to therapy and having a closer relationship between him and god, in order to get rid of his old ways and make himself into the better person he needs to become. I can’t really get into details about the situation on here as it legit would be the most dumbest thing I could possibly do, but in result of getting closure about it, he told me he was planning on purposing in the near future, like before 2021 is over - but then he had to go fuck it up and put that on hold. After talking about it we’re going to have to attend counseling once again, but in hopes of fixing our relationship and getting closer again. I love him a lot, I do, but man he is one dumb ass person. I really hope and pray he gets his stuff together, because I really do want to spend the rest of my life with him. I mean, I guess we’re kind of in an awkward part in our relationship, but its honestly because of the situation we’re in, so we just have to work through this and rebuild the trust he ruined. I know he’s going to be going to individual counseling for sure, but I have a feeling that’s just going to turn into couples counseling the way it happened the first time. I hope I can get myself to go into counseling for myself as well, because man, I really do want to work through these issues I have deep down inside of me, but I can’t find the courage I need at the moment - maybe after all of this is done I will. Mr.’s dad is still really sick, but im still praying to god and the heavens above he gets better. I’ve been talking to my dad a lot and my relationship has been improving, while my moms and I’s is kind of going backwards slowly. About those two discord friends, I dont know why I put “crunch” as one of them. I forgot what his first nickname was, but I know it wasn crunch. I mean his name is cesar, so i guess i got mixed up lol but yeah i’m not friends with c*sar and shr*mp anymore. I mean I got really close with him, and I did consider im an important person in my life, until one day I logged onto Discord to see he kicked me out of the server and blocked me, which eventually resulted in everyone from the server blocking me and deleting me off roblox so, I pretty much had no say in it. There wasn't even a reason TO block me, I legit just logged on randomly and was blocked. Although I found out through someone else who was also in the server before he himself blocked me that apparently I was jealous of shr*mp and I guess calling c*sar manipulative got him upset and thinking so he blocked me lmao. Anyways, because of this I dont really play Roblox that often anymore, but instead I watch anime now. Currently waiting on AOT’s new episode releasing today so, thats something exciting to look forward to. I cant wait for christmas just so i can see the look on my siblings face when they see what I got them lol. I also got Mr. a chain bracelet, so I hope he likes it and actally wears it. There’s not really much else except being on eggshells with Mr. and wasting my life away. I’ll keep you guys updated. I’ll try to post on here more often.

Ended this at 12.20.2020 at 8:27 AM

-jen

[jwnbwnjwn]

Entry 7 (9.21.2020)

A whole 5 months later since I’ve made a post. I’ve been thinking of coming on here for the past couple of days to update this thing but I’ve been putting off writing a whole book and keeping up with the whole “Entry” thing as it always confuses me everytime and I always have to duplicate the tab in order to get the format right. I want it to look good; as this is a way i’m documenting my life for my future self, friends, family, and everyone and anyone reading this. It’s 6 AM right now, right on the dot, and I havent slept. I just had a huge crying session that was well needed, and i’m starting to get hungry. Let me catch you up:

Corona has gotten worse, I think we’ve all just adjusted to it. I feel like when times were “normal” and we weren’t forced to wear masks was a feverdream, instead of the other way around. For the most part i’m spending my time at home, procrastinating, playing games; Roblox to be specific, and sleeping throughout the day. I play it almost everyday, and I mean, e v e r y d a y. It’s a nice thing knowing I found a love again for the game I would play when I was younger. And now I can live my dream of feeling cool with my robux now that I can purchase them for myself and my siblings. I just took my first Biology test last week and I think it went pretty good, despite the fact that I was actually shitting myself during it because I drank a laxative hours before. I’ve been procrastinating doing my math homework - like literally. We’re over a month in and ive missed a quiz, failed a test, and still havent done a months work of assignments. I’m honestly probably going to fail and have to retake it next year. I’ve been procrastinating a lot of assignments, but hopefully that gets fixed. Aside from academics, my life has been, well, life. My friendships with my friends have gone better, to be specific; with my girls, Seatbelt and Ice. (I had to read my other entry to remember the nicknames I have for them on here, lol.) Ice finally has a boyfriend and I’ve been hearing it’s going great, Seatbelt moved back in with her family and it’s been going good as well - it makes me feel at ease for her knowing she's at home. I think these two are going to be my ride or dies until the end. Things with Mr. are good, and I mean, actually good. There’s no more awkward tension, theres no anger, no worries for the most part. It’s just pure love, comfort, happiness. When I see him, like actually physically look at him and hang out with him, its not awkward. It’s not me searching and wrecking my brain looking for conversations to start. It’s just normal; as it should be. It’s good. I feel like im at the place with him that I’ve dreamt to be at again. I hope his dad gets better, i really do. I hope god allows him more time to see us grow, to see everyone grow, to know this world better. I pray about it everyday. I really want him to be there to see us get married, to see our first dance, to see our first “mini-me”. And the same for my dad. I hope I get to see him soon. I miss my bestfriend. I’ve quit going to counseling a while ago as I found it useless as it was just me lying about my state of mind and pretending like it was actually helping me; and to be frank, I dont really know my situations or what’s happened to me. So, im kind of holding back from the help I could be getting because I dont even know if I need help or for what. But I hope I get that resolved soon; i know sometimes it takes a big toll on me. I’m doing pretty good myself, for a day to day basis. I’ve realized I’m a really big earth person, or life person, and I have such a love for this life I have. I have a love for the earth we share, and for the time we waste. I have such a love for the emotions and thoughts we feel, and what we are, and everything in between. I love my siblings, I’ve gotten closer with my mom; even though sometimes this whole quarantine thing with them drives me mad, but thats a part as to why familys there, to drive ya nuts. I need to get on my shit when it comes to school work, and honestly thats what this time today was supposed to be used on; but instead it was spent crying over cute comics from wawawiwa and tiktoks using the “Mr. Loverman” sound. Oh, also, I’ve reconnected with Maria again. We text every week and tell eachother the weirdest things, but it feels good. It feels like I have a part of my soul back, a little piece of my home. I miss Adriana - I realized that today. I think she was one of my firsts friendship breakups, and I want to run back, because I’ve been thinking of her so much recently, but theres much more time to think on that. I dont want to jump into anything and blow up about it later; as I dont think im actually ready for that, or to even face her. One day though, hopefully. Im also having problems with my fafsa coming through, so I hope that gets resolved soon. I’ve also made friends on Discord, aside from simp and crunch. They were these two trolls on mm2 when I was playing with my sister and eventually a friendship bloomed after a fight, and here we are. If I havent mentioned it before, Marco now has a pup named Thalia. Man, I love her.  I think thats it for the most part. Hopefully I catch some sleep after this and wake up feeling motivated and actually have a productive day. I should also be starting keto today, or tomorrow, so I better stick to that. I’ll try to upload these more often, other than 5 months apart, as I dont wanna be writing a whole freaking novel everytime, (but honestly thats the fun part). I hope whoever finds this is well, I love you.

Ended this at 9/32/2020 at 6:29 AM

-jen

[jwnbwnjwn]

Entry 6 (4.13.2020)

Am i too damaged for this? Am I too damaged for the sake of this relationship? Am I too damage for care? or love? or any sort of affection? Am i even fighting a battle worth fighting for? I don’t know anymore. I feel like everything is getting worse, like it’s all going south. I feel like im reaching my final days or something. You know, kind of like when you accepted your fate and just let it happen? Like that. I feel like im losing, and everyone knows it. I feel like im the only one who sees a chance in fighting, but no one else does, and no one even bothers to explain to me my chances and the reality of things. I feel like i’m just being left out, of everything. I don’t think i’m ever going to win, I dont think im ever going to see the light. Im just going to be here, all the time. I’m just going to be here. I know my place, I always have. how did I ever think I was going to get better than that? Why did I ever think I had a voice, a chance? Everyday women get owned by their significant other, might as well hop on the train. It’s not like I have much anyways, like I have any soul or spirit left in me. I didnt want this bad deck of cards, for me, for anyone. I just wanted to be happy. I wanted respect, and equality. I wanted more. I guess I can’t blame anyone else, because at the end it was on me. I’m the one who stayed, i’m the one who stuck around when things got tough, and I guess that’s on me. I dont know why the I kept fighting. I guess I fought for the chance of someday having that relationship everyone wants. To someday be happy, like actually happy. You know? Where you smile randomly at the thought of them, where you roll over and see them looking at you, getting hugs and kisses that mean so much more; stuff that is worth every second, stuff that both of you want to see. I want the love. I want the affection. I want my heart back. I didn’t know it was going to get this bad. I want it back. I want my life back. I want my dignity back. I hate it here. I hate falling back to this spot. I hate waking up. As soon as that first breathe hits, I know i returned to this life of mine. I know what i wake up to, i know i wake up to resume my day, repeating the same process again and again and again, until who knows - maybe one day it’ll just stop. I hate every living second here, i hate feeling like this. All I want is happiness. All I want is to travel the world, experience new things, learn to love my life. I want to live it. I’m tired of waking up to this bed, waking up to this room, slowly isolating myself from everyone around me. Is this it? Is this the start of my end? Am I like a cat? Where I start isolating and shying away from everyone once I get sick, to be left alone to die? Am I even alive anymore? Physically i’m here, but am I alive? Am I living? Is this what living is? I want to go. I want reincarnation, i want a restart. I don’t know why I keep bothering with this life. I feel like it’s all a joke. Or like im living a nightmare. It’s just never-ending. I’m going to wake up one day and it’s just going to be a long dream. I hope to wake up to you. Oh, I would just hug you for so long because I would never want this to happen to us. Did you do this to me? Did I do it to myself?

Ended this at 4/13/2020 7:52 PM

-jen

[jwnbwnjwn]

Entry 5 (4.9.2020)

I want this to be my suicide note so bad. I want to write one so bad. But this isn’t it. because it’s not the end. I’m not gonna do anything dumb. I’m never listened to. I’m never heard. I’m drowning myself every time i cry out for help. I want to go back to my habits. I want to hurt myself. I want it all to end. I’m so tired of not being loved. Im tired of not getting the same effort back. I told myself I would never put myself through the same thing again, and I think im here again. Im so TIRED. I want some fucking help for christs sake.

Ended this at 4/9/2020 3:31 AM

-jen

[jwnbwnjwn]

Entry 4 (3.23.2020)

Its currently 9:40 AM and I haven’t slept. Waiting for my online class to start, by the way, all my classes got moved to online now due to the Corona virus outbreak. Anyways, my sleeping schedule is once again fucked up and flipped, but surpringly I dont feel as lonely in the middle of the night. I did just get a wave of sadness though.

Sometimes I feel like im fine, and lifes fine and everythings fine. My relationship, friendships, family. But i know it still bugs me to the core, i know it still replays in my mind, i know its going to take a long time to forget, or to fully make peace with it. It still runs through my mind the possible ways that couldve gone down. The different positions, the different things you did to her, the different names you called her, all the places you took her, what you told her about me? The degrading stuff you said about me? I still look through her stuff, maybe a hint; the subtlest one. I stare at her photos to try to see the parts of her that caught your eye, the parts of her that you kissed, that you touched. The times you did stuff, did I ever come to mind?, even if it was for half a second? Did you think of me? Did you think of my emotions, my feelings? No right? You didnt even know what I was feeling because we were in a situation where I was too scared to tell you because I would just be ignored or shrugged away. But its okay - the blames not all on you. We were in a really rough patch, im surprised we even made it out alive. I still think of the few times I saw her, if it was going on then, if it was still happening then, if you kissed her before or after, while i was still in the same building, if right after you went to see me or after you dropped me off you went to see her. I think of it so much and I just want it out of my head. I think of how you continued to check out other people, even after everything. After help, after the many tears i shed, after most of the hard work was done. I think of how you had girls nudes, how you had my friends nudes, my bestfriends. How you traded with other disgusting fucking pigs, how you wanted to fuck all these other girls. I think of the stash you had. Deja Vu, DEJA VU. I’ve seen this before, me typing this, all of this. I wonder if you still are like that. If you still have your stash, a stash. I know you’re in groupchats that do that stuff, and I know because you told me. You said it was just photos of girls like Belle Delphine, my fucking queen lol, but even then it kinda hurts when i still have all this overbearing pain left over and  to be so sensitive and insecure about still so many things. It pains me a bit to think youre staring at a girls ass, nudes, etc, whether you know them or not. Anyones. And I wanna see your phone, I wanna see who you text, what you talk about because im looking for these things. Im looking for these messages, these photos. The stuff that will destroy me. The stuff that will make me question why I kept going. I wonder if you still do. I just keep pondering, and I think i will for a long time unless i see proof. I think its going to be long, and difficult process for me in order to solve that. And I know, im scared. Im scared to bring this up because I know its somehow going to be flipped onto my side. I know its going to be somehow turned into my insecurites and on my behalf. And you know if thats what it truly is than be it, but it hurts so much because it doesnt feel that way/. It feels like im always blamed on for it. I wanna ask you to leave the chat, I wanna ask you to leave any chat where they talk about girls in that matter, where they send lewd photos, because its too much for me, its too much for me to know youre there, to know yore watching that. It hurts my heart over and over and everytime i think of it it takes me back to that place where I tried so hard to escape from. I think about you when youre with your friends and the many things you probably talk about. I think of how disgusting those conversations can easily turn into, how easily it is for them to show you, for them to tell you, for them to talk about all these girls to you. Or maybe its worse, maybe you still have photos, maybe youre still a pervert and talk about girls, maybe youre the one still causing the trouble. Maybe you never changed. What if it was just your lies getting better, you faking it better, putting in a little more effort into that. I go insane thinking like this. I drive myself crazy. I know i overthink, and I know I get paranoid, i recently figured that about myself; that im always on edge, that im always paranoid about things in an odd way. But its true. I could see clearly why everything Ive stated so far could be happening, but i always give you the benefit of the doubt so i dont fall further down the rabbit hole. Im tired. Im tired of it all. Im tired of seeing her, seeing you, sometimes when I look at you I cant help but have my mind running over how that exact face across of me that I love so much can do all of that, can do it to me. I constantly think of the time you told me about her, going over it, replaying it all in my head. I go over it so many times in hopes that ill catch a detail i missed, anything. I drive myself insane. I dont know how much longer I could do this for anymore, im getting more and more exhausted by the day. With all this extra free time in my hands thats all I think about. I look and search in hopes that something new will pop up, something that will define anything from that time. I wonder if youve talked about her recently, talked to her. I wonder what you’ve said about her, about me, if you’ve ever compared us and how. Thinking of this just makes me want to apologize about me thinking all of this, of my looks, everything. I feel like i’ll never forget.

Sometimes I think, what if I took the bold move? What if I did was would be considered “right” of me? I hate admiting it and even writing it down anywhere, but I think of leaving you. Leaving you and finding myself, finding my true self; not the version I set of myself for you, the version i struggle to love but learn how to little bit a day. I want to know what its truly like to be able to express myself in my true form, in order to want to do stuff and not get shut down for it, in order to fully be me and be able to defend myself without feeling bad for doing so; without feeling like a loser or like im on the outside looking in. Sometimes i wonder what it would be liked to be loved by someone else, someone who deserves me. They say what I want is out there, and i ponder on that. I wonder if theres someone who will always open the door for me, someone who will walk to my doorstep everytime they arrive and everytime they have to go. Someone who will hold my hand and kiss it, someone who hugs me gently; a hug that will make me feel something again. I want someone who protects me, who will keep me safe. Someone who will prioritize me. Someone who no matter what fights we come across, he will protect me out of love, because thats exactly what I would do. I want someone my parents love, someone my family loves, someone that could get along with my friends that i wouldnt have to be worried about. I want someone who will understand me, and someone who will see me as their world. I want someone to view me the same way i view them, i want someone to be there for me and go the same exact extent that i would for them. I want equalization. I want loyalty, I want someone to come into my life and strip me away from THIS “life” and show me what its like to smell the flowers, to show me what its like to be happy and be in love. I want someone who will appreciate me, someone who wont have to try so hard to do so. I just have to keep wishing.

But I love you, I love you so much. Even after all the ugly, even after all the fights, all of this; I still love you so much, I wish you could be the man i need, and hopefully you will. Im just scared that when you do itll be too late. Im scared that you wont. I wish you would put me first. I wish that over everything. I just want to be loved, and I want that to be real. im scared, im so constantly scared all the fucking time and it eats me alive. I love you, but I want to live. I want to love, and live, and be happy. i want to smell the flowers, dance in the rain, roll in the mud, I want to know what its like to be alive. I just hope its with you. I just hope I can forget, I just hope I can make peace.

Ended this at 3/23/2020 10:25 AM

-jen

[jwnbwnjwn]

Entry 3 (3.6.2020)

Entry 3 (3/6/2020) Today was a good day. My day isnt over yet since its almost 11:30 PM, but I imagine im just going to spend the rest of the night doing the same thing and signing up for my summer courses. I packed my stuff and came home for spring break, canceled, well moved plans with my Mr. because he got busy with family. But dont worry! I’ll take my bug out another day no worries. I really like the mood im in. I’m at peace with the world, the earth, and i know im okay. I’m alive, im breathing, I have people who love me. We share the world with everyone; another soul, another human. Everyone is someones child, someones sibling, someones lover. You know, life happens, and sometimes it sucks, and its ugly and messy and sometimes you just want to go away but its life baby! Its not a one time thing, youre gonna get hurt, youre gonna fall and scrape your knee but you gotta get up and grow that skin back. Its life. You gotta move on, seize the day while you can. Meet as much as you can, do as much as you can fit in this short life.

Ended this at 3/6/2020 11:57 PM

-jen

[jwnbwnjwn]

Entry 2 (3.6.2020)

I’m okay. Had some breakdowns and stuff but managed to work them out, which is good! Correcting the problem, coming to a conclusion and moving through it is progress. I’m really proud of the progress me and Mr. have done so far. I also gotta chill on my part with the overthinking and the overreacting because although Its understandable, I dont think its good to let ALL your feelings out, or shitting on someone completely when some of it was your own reaction you created yourself. I think im also figuring myself out and my limits and im seeing how I also need to control myself. Progress. I think i’m having a break through. I think the reason im so sad when everything is finally good is because now my life is focusing on myself and trying to arrange things and sort everything out. I think im just in the messy part right now, the part where all the feelings and thoughts from everything come out, the part where even the hidden things surface when i thought i dug them so deep they were lost forever. But hey, i guess its the process of cleaning up ey? I have an 8 am today and here i am at 1;30 AM when drying my clothes when im still backed up on homework and have to wake up in six hours LOL. Hopefully I get to go to the gym in the morning after class, and pray to god its a good day. 

Ended this at 3/6/2020 1:36 AM

-jen

[jwnbwnjwn]

Entry 1 (3.3.2020)

I guess this is the start of my blogging journey. I’ve been thinking of coming on here because not really anyone knows about my account, so this is kind of like my journal where I am able to write down my pure feelings and thoughts. This is the start. Its difficult for me to write about myself in the now because i usually refer to myself in the future tense, like, i would write as if im talking to myself in the future lol so hopefully im able to accomplish this. I’m not sure if these posts mark the date posted, but if not its 3/3/2020 11:11 PM and I currently have like a million assignments due but instead i decided to help my mental health a bit to do this lol. Im here, with my stripes cup of coke lime (It’s really good trust me) and your 50% bag of caramel m&ms that tasted like ass and a bag of hot puffs and a ringpop.

Where am I know in my life?

Well, it’s kind of hard to answer when I have an overloaded head full of thoughts of everything in the world. Physically, im in my dorm in my chair with my legs, vibing lol. I guess I might as well document on everything. I’m not so happy with my weight or body, in fact i don think ive ever been ashamed of it until recently. I hate seeing the extra fat, my weight over 120. Last time I checked I weighed 142.2 lbs and that was on 2/20. I hate being fat, i hate having fat. I wanna be skinny, i wanna have an ass, i wish my boobs werent so big that way they wont sag. Moving on, I have my group of friends: I, S, E, and myself. It was amazing and all, but E kind of distanced herself for some reason and although still part of the group, it kind of just narrowed down to S and I and myself. Eventually instead of using their names for privacy, ill fill in their names with something, most likely Egg for E, Seatbelt for S, and Ice for I LMAO. But anyways, Yeah, we recently came back from a roadtrip to SA and i feel like ever since then its kind of been alright. But i mean who knows, we all have our own lives and maybe somethings going on but i mean were fine as of now. I love them. I love hanging out with them, I love feeling like im able to breathe for once.

Now my relationship. It’s gotten so much better compared to what it was before. Counseling, patience, and time have all played a part into the process to getting us to where we are now. M, lets call him Mr. Compared to the mess and hatred it was before, its so much better. The love, the affection, the care, its all there. Everythings getting better. But theres still times where I feel scared, of us, the future, the past. Theres times where I feel like maybe i got too excited in my head and maybe I overlooked everything and maybe i’m just happy with the thought of whats happening. But, i mean, in the now, in the present, im happy, were happy, were okay. but im still scared because i guess a piece of me still thinks youre “you”. The you that hates me, the you that wants more, the you that hides stuff. A piece of me still thinks about possibility that you still might have photos of girls on your phone, or maybe its still an on going thing. Or maybe you ask girls yourself and delete everything, you wont leave a trace. Maybe youre talking to someone, and maybe youre deleteing messages. Maybe you have your groupchats with your guy friends where you do your stuff. i dont know. Because thats what you used to do. But how do I know its not happening anymore? You never gave me proof that you deleted everything, you never gave me the chance. I just took your word for it because thats what a “good girlfriend” does, a good girlfriend who is supposed to trust you; who is learning to trust you. But I mean, i dont know. I was played by you before, and I never had the chance to look at your phone. How is this any different? Because youre giving me your word? We’ve been there before and look how its turned out. I dont know. Im sorry. I hate being like this, I wish I was different, i wish i was normal. but i am. It was you who turned me like this, who made me overthink, who made me crazy. You were the one that ruined me inside out and left me with the remains to pick up and mend myself. I love you so much but you killed me. And i know i did the same to you, probably worse in some scale, and you did to me in another. But thats our past, and this is our now. I hope this is just a phase Ill get out of because Im tired of being scared. I want to live happily, not having to be worried about anything. Im scared of counsling ending, because what if it goes back to what it was, or what if it gets worse out of nowhere? Sorry, I know i should have more faith in us but im terrified of the thought of having us turn back into the mess we were. And i wish i could tell you this straight up, but im scared because a big piece of me just knows youll walk away because im bringing up the past again, or youll just nod and listen, but you wont have anything to say back to me. We’ll just both accept it and move on with our lives, and i’ll still have these thoughts in my head, building to boil. I love you. I dont think you’ll hurt me again. Im tired of my mind, im tired of myself making me think like this, making me think of you in that way. Im sorry. I just do. Im scared I wont be able to move on from the past, like maybe ill be stuck in it forever. I dont want that for my life, for myself, for us, for our future. i want the best for us, always. I love you so much. Sometimes I think i love you too much. and I hate thinking of it that way, but the way you treat me makes me feel like that. Im sorry. I hate putting blame on others, but i feel like you dont know me. I feel like im too much, like im too weird, too odd for you. Like my wants and needs arent like everyone elses, and maybe thats something you dont like. Thats what i feel. I feel like you dont appreciate me as much, or you dont respect me as much at all. I feel a little bit of respect, at times a good amount. But i know its hard, and i know we’re building up to it. Its okay. Were going to be okay. I just hope you love me as much as I love you, and I hope our willpower is equal. Dont worry. We’re okay. I’m okay.

Ended this at 3/3/2020 11:46 PM

-jen