#i love working at a store sometimes
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I've gotten two cards from customers today and an old man said I'm his favorite person in the store 🐛 you ALL WISH you hwdmy swag
#most frogus#an old lady shes the sweetest thing and she always talks to me and told me today that i remind her of her granddaughter whos off in japan#i love working at a store sometimes
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I'm not getting into The Giving Tree discourse...
#personal#delete later#idk i just saw a post of the “alternate ending” comic on my dash and everyone praising it as an improvement and “fixing” the original#which i kinda resent#while tulli and i was taking my nephew to a book store we walked around the kids section and found the giving tree and we read through it#and i was so stricken by how profoundly sad it is. it's not a happy story#in the end both versions tell the exact same lesson. but one flat out tells you and the other makes you sit with a pit in your stomach#and work to find the answer#i dunno it's kids literature but kids literature is important. i don't wanna discredit anyone's bad memories with the book but also i think#sometimes it's ok to make kids a bit sad and upset with fiction.#tweet that goes “what if romeo and juliet didn't kill themselves and explained to the audience that family feuds are bad”#idk you can't seriously read the original book as an adult and say it's glorifying self-martyrdom#when the final drawing of the book is of an old tired man sitting on arotting stump with his hat fallen to the ground#again i don't wanna invalidate people's feelings if they enjoy the alt version i think it's really nice too. but the original has its#purpose too. imagine if at the end of the lorax they show that the boy did it and replanted the world happy ending#wait they did that in the movie shit#i dunno i just love somber children's literature. tulli and i are talking about moomin right now and how the series ends with the moomin#family just leaving. and nobody gets to say goodbye to them. their friends have to find ways to live with the emptiness they've left behin
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i started another pair of patch pants
#i also found this denim jacket at the thrift store im dyeing black#yeah i start too many projects#but sometimes i get hyperfixated and work on diys nonstop for multiple days#i also wanna make a mini battle vest for my service dog at some point#and i need to remake my backpack since it has my deadname on it#this is like the third new project i just started tho#i love diy so much i would just do it nonstop for ever and ever if i didn’t have other responsibilities#capitalism am i right?#diy#punk patches#patches#punk#punk diy#patch inspo#patch pants
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wiggles my fingers at you ouuuu… you want to tell me about solace so bad…
HKJGG wiggles my fingers back lovingly!!! i really do, i fuckin LOVE solace :3 hey did you know i really like making fake skill descriptions?
SOLACE
Follow the north star. Find light in even the darkest places. Cool for: Optimists, Recovering lost souls, Sweet summer children
Solace is the skill you tucked away long ago, at the bottom of Pandora's box. The little one that tells you: despite it all, there is still hope. It needs a lot of nurturing -- and it's far from being the most helpful for police work -- but taking care of it is basically self-care. It enables you to find the glow in yourself that you often ascribe to gold lungs or brilliant halos in others. It encourages you to wake up and watch the sunrise, to play board games with someone you love, to forgive yourself and let yourself be a gentler kind of animal. Constantly looking forward to a brighter future, it also helps shield your morale from damage.
At high levels, Solace gives you a heightened sense of childlike optimism - which isn't always the sense to lead with in this precariously harsh world. Always looking for the bright side will blindside you with naivety. At low levels, however, you may just extinguish whatever keeps your soul alight. You've already lost her once. You may not survive the desolation if you let her disappear again.
#i wanted to draw a skill portrait for her for this but [gestures vaguely at life] i hope this is cool enough hkjgkj <33#solace is truly voli's ''keep going. there's still hope for us'' and echem's ''we can be happy again! let's go find joy wherever we can''#this is why i keep saying she's their kid hkjgh she covers the happy medium of both of their ideologies. hope for a happier future.#harry goes to the store and finds a pair of pink heart shades that gives her ''+1 Rose Colored Glasses'' :3#i feel like theres some mechanic that keeps her from gaining too many points. a locked skill cap or maybe she can lose skill points??#hm. considers this.#echem voice ''i can't believe i'm saying this but we really can't drink alcohol anymore. it's bad for the baby :(''#ALSO. THIS IS ONE OF MY MORE SELF INDULGENT WORKS SO IF IT SEEMS OOC IN ANY WAY THAT'S BC THIS IS MY COMFORT FIC HGKJKJ#i know sometimes i write skill relationships too sweet and the world too kind and the game too unrealistically...#i know shivers said the end of the world is in 22 years. i know being a revachol cop would kill solace. i know alcoholism is hard to kick#and dora still haunts us. i know life is so hard and there is so much that kills hope and that the pale is going to swallow elysium. i know#but isn't disco elysium about how the world is awful and corrupt and futile but there is still beauty and worth to living in it?#the sky. the world. you're still alive. after death; life again. one day i will return to your side. sunrise parabellum.#the phasmid exists. the pale can be fought back with art. the city's alive and she told us she loves us. and solace believes there is hope.#augh idk man hjlkjg just don't want to lean into the ''young witch trying to find a cat in the alps'' bullshit lmao FUCK that </3#i just think harry deserves a hope skill.#volta transmissions#inland drabbles#task: when two skills love each other very much
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There’s been a lot of (very excellent!) discussion recently about Brigid and Stephen and how much she’s loved, and I feel like that’s a very good segue into a topic which I’ve been musing over for a while: namely, Patrick O’Brian’s treatment of love in general. Because honestly I feel like one of the things that’s most captivated me about the Aubreyad in general is the sheer amount of love it contains, the vast majority of which is (canonically, at least) non-romantic, and I think that the further I get into the series, the more that strikes me.
Like honestly I cannot even begin to explain how incredibly good POB is at portraying loving relationships, whether they’re friendships, marriages, or parents and children (/surrogate parent and child, as the case may be). I’m actually genuinely not sure if I’ve ever read something like it. I think that a lot of media really struggles with platonic relationships, which is a question that probably deserves a 400-page thesis about it and that I’m not really qualified to answer, but the Aubreyad somehow manages to create relationships that are all so imbued with love that it genuinely does not matter whether or not the people in them are in love or not. While I’m certainly here for reading Stephen and Jack as a romantic relationship, there’s a certain point where I actually don’t care whether or not they’re friends or lovers, because the complexities of what they feel for each other and what they mean in each other’s lives is just as deep either way. And all the relationships in the book are like that: Bonden and the Surprises looking after Stephen, Jack with Mowett and Pullings, Stephen and Sophie, and on and on into infinity.
I think the thing that makes me the most insane about this is that these relationships all feel so unbelievably, viscerally real. The love that’s stored there is the same sort of love that I feel for the people in my own life, with all the inevitable disagreements and exasperation and imperfection that it comes with. I think it’s incredibly difficult to capture that exact feeling in writing, and yet somehow he’s managed to do it. There’s been so much talk about the way in which people in our day and age and media in general struggle to talk about friendship and platonic relationships as meaningful, and I’m not saying that just any writer could go out and weave a tapestry so complex as the Aubreyad does, but reading these books is like a balm for that. There’s something so reassuring in knowing that a romantic relationship is not the be-all-end-all for any of the characters in these books, no matter how you look at it. Each of them is surrounded by a web of people who are deeply implicated in their existence and who truly care what happens to them.
I think fiction, by its nature of needing to bring characters in to serve a role in a linear plot, doesn’t often leave room for love of this kind, and I don't want to be critical of that, because not all narratives can be like the one Patrick O'Brian's written (which is 100% okay—it should be that way, that's how narratives work!). But there’s something so healing about reading a story in which all of the characters are so deeply loved. It’s like a mirror; looking into it, you can see your own relationships, and by extension, just how loved you are, even if most of the time you don’t realize it. Humans are not lonely creatures, and no one captures that better than Patrick O’Brian.
#it's just. god#love is stored in the aubreyad that's all good night#i don't think i've ever read anything that compares to it and i don't know if i ever will#but yeah. sometimes realism means relationships that mean something actually. get loved idiot#struggled a bit to frame this in a way that did not say 'just friendship' because as much as i hate that mentality#the world that i live in has very much ingrained it and i do have to work to undo that#hope it came across successfully that all these friendships and all friendships are on the same level as romantic relationships actually#aubreyad#perce rambles#The Creative Endeavor and other aubreyad nonsense
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What inspires/references do you use for your original designs? I'm always impressed with how unique each one looks!!
AUGHSSJD that’s really sweet of you to say thank you! But I unfortunately don’t really have any sort of process for my designs they sorta just
Appear???
Like genuinely I just
A guy pops into my brain and I have to draw them
I’m basically just coping directly what I can see in my mind’s eye- and I have no idea how my brain spawns these ideas they Just Happen
I get such a vivid picture sometimes that I don’t know what’s caused it or what’s inspired it I JUST have to draw the new cool dude who rotates in my brain
#Hephaestus himself gifts them to me or something idk#sometimes when I don’t like a design I’ve made it’s because I forgot what they looked like before I could draw them#that happened with a character of mine called Blaze recently#fuckin’ hated it when I was done because it didn’t look how it was supposed to#I AM trying to get into the habit of developing my ideas a bit more by pulling from reference and trying more than one attempt at a design#but I think my brain just stores reference material and throws them in a jumble at me sometimes#this is why I struggle so badly to make designs sometimes because my brain isn’t supplying the funny guys anymore#bitch get the factory running again I want to draw#I think I’ve mentioned this before but I have a near constant like.#reel of movies going through my head about different characters and stories#and I just pull from that when I wanna draw something#I know it’s my own mind and creativity doing these things but I feel like an outsider to my own process JGSHKDDK#idk how I got here but I sure am here#this is all very lighthearted n silly btw I love the way my mind works with this stuff#it’s just not very helpful for other people#anon#asks#oc: moth#art tag#oc tag
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me, guy who loves gift giving and puts weeks of work into a Christmas Spreadsheet, upon receiving a chorus of "you do really good stockings!!" from my family: >:)
#i do candy w specialized treats for those i know -- my BIL likes sour patch kids my dad likes a certain brand of shortbread cookies#i do some upscale essentials -- hand cream hamd sanitizer sometimes like lighters or lip balm#and then i get each person a couple personalized stocking stuffers. the trick is that theyre Nicer. $15-25 each.#so theyre extra fun little gifts rather than. like. plastic stuff you throw out. i love my mom and all the work she always put into xmas#but stocking were usually dollar store stuff. i have the means to give my family more so i do#tearing my shirt open. crimbas.#carly.txt
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i need to learn to bake something new as everyone at work already knows i'm bringing them some carrot cake on friday....
#as some of u may have heard several times this month or any time the number 22 is mentioned its my bday on friday#so im baking something to bring to work#and i can bake more than just carrot cake#i think ive brought brownies to work more often than carrot cake. and ive also dabbled in chocolate chip oat cookies#and mokkapalat.#and yet#i saw my boss today and she jokingly was like ''haha i guess we'll be getting some carrot cake on our big planning meeting on friday''#which. hold on just to preface this i actually like my boss and she has my best interests in mind and shes v nice.#anyways i didnt even tell her id be baking smh. i mean i always bake something for work when theres a special occassion but still#and howd she guess it was carrot cake. ok probably bc thats my fave but still#i know i have a complaining tone in here but i think its funny and silly#i know i'm a predictable person but sometimes it manifests in weird ways#i did not know my carrot cake baking was THAT predictable#oh. i was thinking of going to the liquor store on fri bc its a tradition of mine and they have a new#cant remember if it was white or red but anyways some type of new seasonal flavor of wine glögg#i think regular glögg is superior but man can you imagine a red wine glögg with carrot cake#cozy spices...#especially since my carrot cake recipe is very winter-y as it has cinnamon and clove in it#i usually love lighting candles and getting cozy on the sofa as soon as the days get short#but i havent done that yet this year#can u imagine. little lights and candles on. red wine glögg and carrot cake. sitting on the sofa under a blanket.#watching something on the tv.#would love to read but its not ideal in candlelight#i usually like having a big light on bc i like to see but it's nice being in a dimly lit room when its dark anyways#leevi talks
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... what kind of ignoramus designed the EA app. Was this designed by a committee of corporate twits with too many business degrees and a complete dearth of common sense? Having to GO ONLINE to enable OFFLINE MODE is the stupidest fucking thing I have ever heard of in my life. Do you know when I need offline mode? Do you, incomprehensible moron from planet idiot who designed this feature? WHEN I DO NOT HAVE GODDAMN INTERNET ACCESS.
In conclusion I hope the fuckwit(s) responsible for this step on a lego and fall down a (short) flight of stairs in front of three people they respect and acquire a RAFT of bruises to both their bodies and egos both, amen.
#like my internet came back in short order but oh my fucking god#this is among the stupidest and most user-unfriendly features I have yet encountered#just. how are people this stupid.#steam will try to boot in online mode and then automatically go into offline mode. that makes sense.#because it is a store yes but it is also HOW I ACCESS A GAME LIBRARY and it is AWARE of that secondary purpose#and so when one aspect of it wont' work it's like 'hey that's offline but here's your games'#it's fascinating how reading Scum Villain and falling in love with SQQ made me feel entirely free to be an angry bitch sometimes#I'm just like 'I know he displays angry internet troll tendencies maybe twice in the series while talking to another transmigrator'#'however; I love him regardless and he's fictional so people who really love me will not be upset if I rant occasionally'#I'm sure in desperation I could go find where the games are actually installed and launch them from there#but this is still SO STUPID I am somewhat aghast the people responsible are employed#there are so many people on this earth with sense#and somehow whoever inflicted this on the world has a job
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A few little sketches of some possible school uniforms for mage schools/learning centers for magic/etc. :0c Though because Nanyevimi is so scattered and disconnected, it'd actually vary much more by region (like not everywhere would have a cultural concept of what a suit jacket or neck tie looks like lol), so it's probably unrealistic for so many of them to follow too many traditional Uniform Conventions from cultures in our world, etc. But, still, fun to mess around with designs, and think about which would be most fun to wear/what school you'd go to just based off the clothing lol~
#I haven't felt well enough to do anything actually productive lately GRRRR.. evil health issues....#but I can sometimes at least draw while I lay on the floor with a heating pad and etc. lol.. so...#goofy little sketches. Still dislike that the ipad thing someone gave me is either like.. maybe the settings are just off OR possibly the#screen is slightly broken in some regard - so the pressure sensitivity does not work at all. thus all lines are blunt looking#instead of having tapered edges. which I KNOW can be a stylistic thing. like I think it's fine mostly#but sometimes shading looks weird for all of the lines to be the exact same size/width with like no variation lol#though since it's just little sketches it doesnt matter lol but still... hrmm... ever working out my strategy for how to use the ipad for a#art things/if I can ever get used to it/etc.#AAANYWAY... still so uniform obsessed.. and have been since I was a child. Like way before going to middle school and meeting#the people who like anime and get into school uniforms of that variety. I mean like... age 7 before even having any friends#and having zero popular media interests or outside influences that would make uniforms Trendy. but I would see like a 'private school#uniform' on a new story on tv or something or in a book and was just like OUGH... I Should Dress That Way#I used to go to thrift stores and find multiple seperate pieces that could be combined together to look like a school uniform#I had like 4 or 5 different 'uniforms' that I made myself in that way. My first outfit that I was ever allowed#to pick out for myself as my big First Day Of Middle School outfit was literally like school uniform inspired#(maybe mixed with a little goth.. like it was a school uniform sort of look but black and white with fishnet armwarmers lol.. plaid +#stripes pattern mixing my beloved... )#I think it's just the same way that I love apartment buildings because I'm infinitely fascinated with like.. observing human nature and peo#le displaying their psersonalities in little ways and how you can give 10 people the same exact identical space but each one will decorate#it completely differently just depending on their own tastes and reasonnig and etc. I love the idea of everyone in some setting#having to be in one specific set outfit BUT you can tell something about them by the little ways they customize it or what type#of accessories they wear or if they choose to button their shirt fully or not or etc. etc. I like the constraints of 'okay everyone has to#be in exactly the same uniform - NOW. give them their own unique style somehow despite this' etc. etc. like#yaaaayyyy.. I love thinking of little obscure details that convey personality. they have a little pin hidden on the inside of their#hat. their shoes are just like everyone else's but more worn out. they have a necklace barely visible beneath their collar. their tie is#always a little more askew that everyone elses. or even. the uniform is EXACTLY on model entirely clean crisp pristine not a single element#customized or out of place - which STILL tells you something about them. etc. etc.#ANYWAY.. yeahg.. struggling to get anything done these last few weeks so.. blam. poof. alakazaam. scratchy little sketches#of nothing very productive or relating to any other project in particular be upon ye
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the amount of effort that goes into figuring out what to cook and eat every day is RIDICULOUS. i used to think people were so weird and boring for eating the same thing every single day but it truly does make life so much easier
#and also it's nice to know exactly what your food is going to taste like before you eat it#like when i get unfamiliar takeout. half the time i'm like. oh.#i'm going to have to eat all of this. or be judged.#so i just do my best to suppress my gag reflex and Get Through It and then it makes me sick so what was even the point#i think my parents spoiled me. and the most annoying thing is they're significantly better at cooking now than when i was a child#so when i go over i eat three delicious home cooked meals + snacks and they're all different and amazingggg#and then i come back to texas and i am like. googling 'how to feed myself healthy vegetarian'#because I do NOT have the time or money or energy to cook three beautiful delicious meals Just For Me#i think this would be easier with a partner#this whole week i bought a fuckton of mediterranean groceries and i have been making and eating food!!#mediterranean is close enough to indian that i like it well enough#unfortunately for me. i am def going to have to learn how to cook indian food to get through life. because i cannot fucking eat american#i don't know HOW you guys do it i'm so spoiled#i'm assuming meat is this really amazing wonderful thing that just adds flavor to everything#(it is physically repulsive to me and the couple times ive accidentally tasted it it's bleh so i refuse to partake)#i think it's an acquired taste but it magically makes ur food better. that is my understanding of how meat works#cause american vegetarian food is the saddest fucking thing i've ever tasted#i still think about my coworker i was talking to about my food issues and he was like. 'do u understand that you have been given a gift#by having constant access to tasty food your entire life. i ate unseasoned green beans every day of my childhood. learn how to fucking cook#indian food already.' truly a horrific thing to hear. but i'm calling my parents more and going HOW TO COOK VEGETABLE? BEAN? PLEASE HELP??#and by god i am not going to turn into my coworker.#anyways we start with baby steps. lentils and rice it is next week .-. going to the indian store to buy pickles to make it more tolerable#and i have my cabinet full of spices already at least#i wish i was less pickyyy#sometimes lalita cooks indian food for me and i'm like wow. i love and appreciate u for feeding me. but this sure is south indian food#i don't understand How they use spices. it feels like they toss as much of as many bottles as they can into every dish#and it's. the taste is just OW OW OW and nothing else. where's the nuance. the flavor.#and i like it when things are spicy!! i can even eat things where the flavor is just Hot. but not when she cooks it.#she will like watch my face when i take a bite and then go 'if you don't like it i'm throwing away all my pots and running away'#which. honestly a fair reaction. the problem is that i am incapable of lying
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you know what I’ve realized lately? that’s really helped? the axiom: it just doesn’t really make that much of a difference. Or at least it doesn’t when you’re talking about good things and not, like, doing good vs. doing evil. Big choices, little choices, decisions, decisions —it’s not just that they don’t matter in the grand scheme of things—because they do! —but just. It won’t make that big of a difference. Life will continue to be wonderful AND difficult, fascinating AND hopelessly mundane, full of roses AND thorns and all the other cliches whether you walk down one road or another. And you’ll get used to the joys and sick of the sorrows whatever they are, and you’ll be ungrateful and bored and dissatisfied in some measure some of the time and you’ll have to work on all the things you have to work on anyways and just. Yeah! It doesn’t make that big of a difference! Even the biggest things!
#as Maria once said to me iconically: marry the guy don’t marry the guy#life is hard and it sucks and it’s also great and little treats exist#and we have to practice patience and virtue and penance regardless of any other circumstances#and God loves us no matter the path we take#like I just. I am reflecting#you know what also made this click for me recently? the limits that can be reached with doing little things to improve your life#like YES. I need to get some exercise and eat some food that is not totally terrible for me and clean my space#but you know the fuck WHAT#(I’m so sorry for swearing)#it doesn’t !!! actually !!!!! dramatically alter my life if I do one thing or another or in a certain order#I could become a fanatical hiker (for some reason I have been seized by the vision of this lately)#and it’s just like. well. yes you could. and you know what it would keep raining sometimes and my anxiety would still exist#and people would still be irritating and laughter would still be real!#anyway I don’t mean to be dismissive over the ways choices can deeply affect our lives#but when the choices are good and the options are good it just doesn’t matter that much#I also realized this with makeup lol. like I reached the point where I was like I could spend more time and effort and money#to achieve a higher level quality of appearance and literally for WHAT#people would still not pay attention to me in the grocery store (lol)#and they don’t need to!!!!! and it’s fine they don’t!!!!!!!#but I just. that voice in my head that’s like if you do X you will experience happiness you have never known#and things will all work out and everyone will be in love you#to that voice I say: well no.#wow this is long but you know what I mean????? it all just sort of matters less in the sense that nothing WE do is going to really#change our lives? I know that’s insane#because people are so insistent that the opposite is true. but like. actually no the most life changing opportunities usually happen#without our control or our scheming or our planning#so of the stuff within our control it’s not that big of a deal!! do good avoid evil enjoy your lunch call your mom!!! but that’s all gonna#keep being the same on the other side of so many many different choices we can make#so yeah
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i know everyone and how they take things is different and that’s ok but something still hurts when it feels like everyone else around your age has currently experienced the teenage dream and you feel kind of like a boring square
#bluebell complains#it hurts man idk 😭😭😭#my idc and dgaf attitude sometimes doesn’t work#i want to go on cool teen adventures but here i am at almost 19#and haven’t had cool hip summer teen adventures with a cool car and shit but nah#especially since it feels like i only started getting friends my senior year#and most of the time it feels like now most of them#are going on separate paths so you’re kind of back to square one#i really appreciated and loved the times i did go out with them and hang#but now it’s just back to square one 😔#also feel emo seeing pics from post eras seeing those friend groups#living in the moment with their very much relevant at the time tech and clothes#just having fun but still having that universal#experience of hanging with friends like going to the store or festival and here i am#esp doesn’t help to see others from your grade on instagram do that
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Sometimes I just think there’s something deeply wrong with me idk
#txt#where did this fear of forming attachments come from#and my fear of being in committed relationship with someone#and just etc#idk I think I’m destined to die alone lol#lol#and not to mention the ✨depression✨#seriously my life is just work home work home every day#and on weekends I just don’t go anywhere except to the damn grocery store#but also I’m always just too tired to do anything outside of that#sometimes I don’t really enjoy work#but it’s also the only thing that gets me up in the mornings during the week#and I’m getting older. I’m not getting any younger#who am i gonna want? I have not had any interest in any guy/man in a long time lol#and frankly it’s hard for me if I don’t trust men#I guess the truth is that I have no love for men irl#don’t get me wrong. I’m a straight woman. who’s unfortunately had unpleasant experiences with men in the past lol#but anyways. also with me getting older. who’s gonna want me lol.#also there’s the added factor of me being Deaf 😂 there was never really a lot of fish in the sea for me to begin with
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during those weeks id tie my hair up into a bun, took my wallet off its chain, tightened the straps on my backpack and had my pepper spray in my hand constantly cause i was so scared of being Grabbed on the street while making deliveries
#i had nightmares about him forcing his way into the store and my pepper spray not working on him cause i read somewhere it doesnt affect#some people cause it works off their#capsaicin receptors and some people arent affected by that#i still sometimes have nightmares about him XD#once i get a new job or have enough disposable income im buying a fucking taser XD#electricity will affect you goddamn#i fucking hate how nervous he made me#i missed my workwife so badly during that time#sorry for being UNwoke here but i really felt like we needed a MAN working with us during the night shift#having a bunch of young women out super late in the city…………. i did not like#and at 25 i was the OLDEST one there at night!!!!!!!#why i got so protective over my coworkers#god i hope theyre okay#i hope after i quit and told my manager everything she fucking. idk.#got the store proper security that actually worked until we closed#we were one of the stores who were open the lastest…..#blows a kiss up into the sky. for all the double blunts we smoked together. i loved yall#i still feel so guilty about leaving them alone
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Can we talk about "I know I'm hard work." "I'm not afraid of hard work." It's rotten work. Not to me. Not if it's you.
#maggie and nina i love u.......#sometimes the hard work of loving someone is getting them milk from the store while they get over their toxic ex#sometimes the hard work of loving someone is waiting patiently until theyre healed enough to have you#maggie and nina#good omens season 2 spoilers#gos2 spoilers#good omens spoilers#good omens
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