#i love uni but sometimes i hate uni
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Hi hello how hare hyou?
I wanna set my assignment on fire
#this is so stupid#I don't care about what I write and the prof doesn't care about it either why are we wasting so much time with something nobody cares about#i love uni but sometimes i hate uni#just give me the credits for this class I have suffered enough#blu asks#bee tag#blu babbling#AND ALSO I SMEARED INK ALL OVER MY NOTEBOOK AND I WANT TO CRY#anyway I am gonna eat some chocolate
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gael's spooky day costume
#ts4#sims 4#masc ver of floating head&shoulders lookin good#thank you astystole gabi for that name i'm loving it#will release sometime next month#/gael#miss my guy#handsome devil.......#going to end up becoming a weekend simblr :(#just had my first week of uni and i'm loving it and hating it at the same time#finally made a gamer friend LOL#but i'm out of the house like 12 hrs a day now so i just come home and sleep :(#i wanna play video games ugh!!!!!!!#haven't been able to play bg3 in ages i'm gonna binge tomorrow#gn
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#probably my last sunny walk at home :(#keeeeellll meeeee#i think one of the things i hate about going back to uni is not being able to experience autumn and winter at home like i used to#it’s weird because i’ve always loved them and considered them my favourite seasons.#but last year (and now this year) i’m realizing that oh! i think it’s because i got to come home after a long day and be in a safe familiar#space. and at uni everything is still a bit unfamiliar and not very comforting so the long cold days get so much harder#but i will surviveeeeeee#counting on gilmore girls to get me through it!! and also love is blind s7. i LOVE having things to look forward to every week it makes tim#fly by so fast. last yr every friday night was reserved for me and i ate frozen pizza or takeout and/or my favourite snacks and#watch my comfort films :( i cooked a lot those nights too 2 save money but yeah. it was rlly nice to have that comfy safe time to myself#i think it rlly got me thru uni.#ik it’s gonna be so hard to get back into a routine but im trying to tell myself that i need to like. focus on the basics first. adulting#can be so hard & i wanna do everything at once! i wanna b perfect in all areas. always do my hobbies. etc etc but i#i couldnt even get out of bed to make myself meals sometimes 💔 so i need to like remember if i don’t journal or read a whole book in a day#not the end of the world. and most importantly i need to be EATING and staying active and SLEEPING FIRST and foremost cause then hopefully#i won’t feel like a zombie.#okay anyways.#feeling sad feeling tired feeling unmotivated but also feeling a teensy bit excited for finally BEING ALONE!!!!#i have my cardiologist appt tmrw so maybe that’s why i feel so yuck also. just thinking abt it makes me wanna throw up#i hope everything goes well#anyways bye bye#♡ dear diary…
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i've got an all day first aid training course happening tomorrow... gonna get certified 💪 sure hope uh. it's not difficult lol if they test us on anything
#loren talks#i've been getting a lot more training since starting working with a charity#it's interesting. im leveling up#also sometimes we get paid for training time honestly im learning way more useful stuff outside of school and uni#and my time gets valued? instead of me just flushing money down the toilet getting a degree? hell yeah#sorry to the ppl who love school. i hated it#i love to be a student of life
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been feeling mixed on some of my friends recently
#i love them but im gonna explain#i don’t want this to boil over like the twins did#but one of my friends i feel so cast off sometimes#i get it bc shes full time adult job employed now#in healthcare no less#but im just getting fully annoyed at her lack of availability and it makes me sad#im getting even sadder actually bc she also always seems to have time to hang with her uni friends whuch hurts#like im like okay i know you have this from 6-7 so how about we meet for dinner at 7:30 bc i wanna see you casually and she says no#and i think i really need to talk to her bc it makes me sad and then i feel slapped in the face#even on nights out we always have to go home early. which my friend basically said:#i think in future if you wanna go home you can but others shouldn’t have to too#bc my other friend got so sad she was forced to come back early and i was like yea i would have liked to have sat at manly with yall#bc i feel we don’t do this any more#i honestly think it’s better to just let her figure it out and go#i don’t want me to sweep so much shit under the rug until i despise her#bc i know this isn’t her fault i just wish she would let loose or make an effort#my other situation is my childhood best friend#i love her a lot she’s amazing. but but but. sometimes i feel she can be too protective of me.#it comes from a place of knowing me for so long#and i do trust her opinions on people who i surround myself with bc she fucking hated those twins#but sometimes i feel she has been treating me differently since my neurodivergence diagnosis#even with a certain high school friend she held this dislike even when i said she was not like the twins#bc she was hanging out with the twins at the 21st#like this girl was also having her issues with the twins and was the person in the firing line of the breakup#even when i was in nl she was so worried about me and its nice to have her have my back#bc after that guy kissed me directly on the lips she suddenly became concerned about ppl taking advantage of me#and its like to me great she cares but also i did in fact learn from it#but she gets super defensive when ppl take advantage of me and i just wanna her to step back#i just feel sometimes i don’t need her feeling like she needs to protect me or that i need to hang neurodivergence up like a flag#idk its a lot. thank u for listening
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who up ignoring the crazy visions of them in la
#chappell roan save me. save meeeeee#i fear i forgot just how badly i wanted to get out of this house a year ago!!#like it's nothing big. it's just ten million little things and i don't fucking fit here. i love it so much but i don't fit#arguably i don't fit at uni either but that's different. i don't fit at uni because i'm socially anxious. i'll fit eventually#not fitting at home feels pervasive and bone deep. but it's fine#alot of it's the lesbianism. at uni i'm just a fail lesbian and it's normal#at home i'm a semi closeted fail lesbian and every time that's Percieved i want to die#like people don't care in the ways that matter. i'm not about to be hatecrimed kicked out etc#but ten million little things!! all the time!! i'm going to scream!!#i shouldn't let it get to me i did this for like four years. this is four months and i've done one already#but fucking christ jesus fuck i hate this!! i have to drive forty minutes to see my friends!! no wonder i never developed social skills!!#i have to hide my phone screen with ninety percent of the stuff i watch bc i can't be arsed having the piss taken out of me!!#whenever someone comes into my room my laptop is on it's homescreen!!#i don't feel comfortable listening to a lot of music out loud because it's embarrassing!!#i'm so scared of being judged all the time and i lived like this since i was eleven really!!#i love my parents but sometimes they say stuff and it's like holy shit!! you kind of suck!! and you're still my friends!!#sorry. normal again. who up feeling the void where their soul should be amirite
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i’ve conditioned myself on student-living food for so long now that while i’m back at my parents’ during the holidays i’ve started craving the dissatisfaction of eating shitty packet instant noodles
#personal#uniposting#ok i lied#i just miss making stuff like shoyu ramen for myself in the late afternoons#like. i love my mum’s cooking at home but at uni it ruins going out for indian while bc it doesn’t live up to her cooking sometimes#(<- ignore the random “while” i fkn hate typos in the tags)#also we have a lot of indian takeaway places in england. it is statistically inevitable you’re going to get the shits after one of them#i’m also rly bad with food in general but i found that ramen and soup related things are foods i can actually enjoy for change#and i just never enjoy food. i never want to eat food (until it’s out of necessity)#so i just miss that a bit. i think#the privacy too!#i’m shite at cooking and i don’t enjoy it (the time spent with prep & cooking & clean to time spent eating ratio is ridiculous)#but i will if i have to#idk. as a result i’ve always been insecure about cooking at home with the family around considering i’m not good at it & wasn’t taught much#i like my lonely little ramen rituals
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i need to go to sleep right now but i've got zimon in the brain and i know i won't be able to sleep until i do something to get him out of the brain but i can't get up to draw right now and i sure as hell can't get up to write that would take me around 11 years so i'll just sit here and rotate him in my mind like a burnt chicken
#🧅#im remaking the apostle designs too. just. a lot of disciple disease lately.#if there was more aro representation in media i wouldn't cling to the two characters i hc as aro so i can actually do it in a non shitty wa#and I wouldn't be up thinking about them right now and i wouldn't go to sleep late and i'd be abke to study tomorrow and actually get into#uni and get a degree and find a job a d have a life. so if i get nowhere in life it's actually because society hates aromantic people.#man why did i give up on writing. if i could write right now i could just. write all thr concepts out of my head instead of keeping them#up there.#pfft. ''the two characters i hc as aro'' as if i don't cast aro spells on Everyone Ever.#whatever you get james and simon are my blorbos of choice atm#if i could at least get over my current wave if Aromantic Rage so i could actually make ship content and post some jesus/judas along with#all the aro people so people would care about them more :/#queerbaiting you guys so you consume content about Other type of queers#man. i hate when this happens it alienates me from fandom So much . cause like the second people start talking about ships im like 'cool'#*fades out like that giy doing the peace sign*#and i know its not my actual Opinion either i like these ships it's just. auugghfhfh.#not to mention everyone making amazing ship content and not even being able to check it out because i get irrationally pissed#sometimes i wish i weren't aro so bad#sometimes. then i remember it's awesome and aromanticism is god's masterpiece and i love it. but man.
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me and my sister went to the mall today and we ran into hot topic so fucking fast it was unbelievable. me and my sister are literal opposites when it comes to fashion. she picked pink, pastel shit like she was trying to be all uwu kawaii meanwhile im just standing here with my arms full of emo and goth shit, i legit felt like daigo and masato with all this emo drip i had walked out with. (p.s. they should put yakuza stuff in hot topic if they havent already because i have yet to have any yakuza related things in my room </3 also hot topic is like the only store i will shop at)
im so sorry to say these words to you but reading this reminded me of my immortal
#snap chats#I ALSO HAVE NO ROOM TO TALK THOUGH CAUSE I LITERALLY JUST GOT BACK FROM HOT TOPIC AND SPENCERSLKEAKVJA#rubbing off my fucking eyeliner as we speak im no better than a goffick and im sure the stuff you got was actually real fire and im jealous#i actually wore my hakuho pin out today- i pinned it on my back jean jacket. not to flex on you or anything 🥴#i remember the day my college friend said something about me being goth and i looked like a dumbass saying 'im not goth...'#when all i ever did was wear black. and tbf i toned it down a LOT while i was at school. i wanted to be normal-passing 😭😭#that aside i only went in to get jewelry and a new belt chain. also a kirby keychain and nail polish#but like it was that Blackheart brand so you know i just wanted it for the skull container and the name. also i was running out#my hot topic really doesnt have any clothes- or at least clothes i fuck with like its mostly skirts and puffy-sleeved shirts#and yeah those are epic and awesome but they're not my style yk. love it on other people just not on me#i usually get my clothes from like. express or skate shops. very different fashions as you can see LMAOOO#like today i got this really pretty crane shirt and then like. i got a black-and-white striped long sleeve with a skeleton hand patch LMAO#UGH im pissed i didnt get the red and black variant too but i didnt think bout it til i already left#i want to get new boots- the ones i have now are great and i love them but i want something chunkier#my 'goth' fashion is really lowkey honestly like i hardly consider myself goth cause of it- its very casual ig#ignore the fuck-you amount of rings i wear ok. theyre pretty..... also they have certain meanings sometimes#like i wear an owl ring cause it reminds me of my sis since she loved owls growing up and went to a uni with an owl mascot#i wear a dragon ring sometimes cause dragons remind me of my dad. for whatever reason.#idk its cause he tried to convince me i was born year of the dragon when i wasnt ?? idk funny guy lmao#and then i already said i wore snake stuff and crosses cause I Hate My Mom. also i was born a snake#also my dads a christian so :] i will wear two cross rings and a cross necklace tyvm love you pops i wish you were around more#uhhh did i want to say anything else. idk im just dumping about my emo bullshit thanks for reading ☠️☠️#if this wasnt my yakuza blog id actually just show the haul i got today BUT i will spare you lot from my emo bullshit#ok ill kill the tags here now im SILLY
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its 'i know it doesnt matter and im used to it at this point but im actually a little sad that im kinda ugly' hours
#its ok ill stop thinking about it in a moment but yeah. thats what happens when i see pictures of myself next to my friends#they're all so hot and beautiful this is like. kinda unfair ngl lol#and like. i realise they dont mean those as actually backhanded compliments. but it sure does feel that way#most of the time i do try to embrace it and ive mostly made piece with the fact that im not here to be pretty but to be weird and funny#peace ffs*#but sometimes you'd just want to see a candid photo someone took of you when you weren't looking#and not feel the need to immediately turn it into a joke because the only alternative available is to confront that the fact that you are.#indeed. Fucking Ugly lol#like idk. i genuinely dont mind that when im with my friends at home. but here all the girls at this fucking uni#are so OBSESSED with their looks#and i was kinda mean to one yesterday. still in a haha-jokey way but goddammit i hate how good it felt#cause like girl. dont think i dont know what you're doing when we're taking selfies. and its okay.#i can be The Ugly Friend That's Only There To Make You Even Prettier. i can be that. but i want you to KNOW that I KNOW.#you're not fooling me darling <3 and i honestly find it even more insulting that you'd think you could lol#babygirl ive been doing *this* my whole life. believe me i know how to stop that fucking behaviour. you're not being as subtle as you think#*spot lol#peace and love but i really would be SUCH a different person if i were pretty its not even funny. so maybe it's for the better huh
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universities love to make things as difficult as humanly possible for their students eh
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i think starting uni post-covid and living at home is the worst combination in the WORLD actually
#its so difficult to make friends because like#for one nobody talks to each other#like lectures are dead silent and pretty much everyone sits alone#or like. if they do sit with someone they only talk to them in that lecture and nowhere else in my experience LOL#i thought we all hated each other but i imagine a lot of us just like#aren’t used to being around so many people after covid still?#and like i guess it also sort of took out the chunk of time where we should’ve been socialising and having fun in a way#but then i face the living at home stuff#so i don’t even have like flatmates i see daily or something#which makes it so much harder#and i can’t join societies because to be fair all of ours look a bit rubbish but simultaneously a lot are like late evening#and i commute so that’s a nuisance for me#i dunno man it just SUCKS a bit at the moment like#i love doing stuff alone but sometimes i wish i had friends who wanted to do stuff too like#i have friends but none of them wanna do things#and i love my friends a lot but i wanna do things !1!/)2£2#yelling this into the void of tumblr i have to get it off my chest ok#lonely uni students out there i am with you we are holding hands
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it's this slow realisation that i was my grandma's favourite grandchild just bc i was a good student and a 'good little girl'
#that her love is not unconditional#she also always talks about hpw well everyone she knows is doing#she just wants to brag abt me#every time someone buys a house she talks about it#honest to god i don't care abt the boy next door who i literally played with ONCE#she like values hardworking people SO much#now i understand why my mom doesn't like her#bc she does sometimes talk badly about her dropping out of uni or not getting accepted#she said that at my graduation celebration........#like god that's the worst time......#and she expected me to be on her side...#ugh i hate this i hate this
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logically, i'm a bit sick and i should stay home but emotionally i was actually looking forward to today's lecture and i don't wanna miss it
#i'll stay home i'm too tired to even get dressed but i will hate every second of it#i love that i enjoy uni but sometimes it's apparently too enjoyable#noah's stuff
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oh boy i think i've given myself an existential crisis
#thing is i know that i could be doing better#my routines fell apart last term when i got stressed and had my period#and i haven't been able to put myself back together#and i know what i should be doing to feel better#but i just...can't#i was hoping that these holidays i would be able to get my shit back together#but i've been sick like all holidays#and i've played genshin#at least i finished babel#i love the holidays because i can do whatever#but sometimes i fucking hate the holidays because it reminds me that i don't have much going on#like i don't have a house and i don't have a partner and i don't have kids#so i just revert to my grimy self#idk sometimes i feel like i don't know who i am anymore#ik i'll have uni next year but i just lfkwjendew#i still feel directionless rn#fuck the idea that i was going to teach my y11s in y12 next year was really the thing getting me through huh#dnt rblg#personal#whatever we got a new tv bc the old one broke#and i might go and watch something#or actually i'll eat and then start nona#edit: i know that part of these feelings is bc of my perioddd fwkejne
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Sometimes i forget old people hate fags and androgyny but then everytime I'm at the bus stop i get some weird looks and I'm like Ah Yes A Microdose Of Homophobic Attitudes
#the old white ladies looooove looking me up and down#sorry for being too swag or whatever idk#no but actually i sometimes forget ppl hate gays but then ill encounter someone in class and hear them say something questionable and#im like oh YEAH lol.. im hashtag controversial#its like no peace of mind unless im on tumblr bc at home my parents love reminding me they hate fags whenever we talk abt politics and then#at uni i have no friends and we have political convos often in philosophy and ppl say stupid shit thrre too#and then the old ppl at the bus stop#im so sensitive i need thicker skin..#z.post
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