#i know. i know that he's a fast food mascot

[borkwolf]

sighhhhhh i'm really starting my jack box simping era huh

[ivys-garden]

Wild Life Spoilers: Session 2 Alliance Report:

Teams:

The Spanners - (Mumbo, Grian, Skizz) - formerly the Sub One Club, immediately forget their idea of using crawl mode and lament that they can't be sub one anymore. Mumbo then decides they are “The Floaters” due to them becoming obsessed with the levitation ability. Luckily this doesn't stick because I could not handle an alliance that changes name every session. Mumbo and Skizz built their “base” as a series of bridges, leading to Mumbo calling them “The Spanners” since “they span things”.

Speaking of levitation, they died from that. And starvation. This was not Mumbo or Skizzes session, with Mumbo losing two life's and Skizz losing 3, halfing his amount of lives in one session. If Skizz loses one next week he will be yellow. Seems Grian's curse of outlining his alliance has started early.

The Bam-Boozelers - (Scar, Lizzie, Jimmy)

I normally have a lot of faith in all life series teams. I think anyone can make it to the end. I think this so long as it is not abundantly clear that they're doomed. I never say someone is Doomed from the star-

This team is doomed from the start. Immediately they decide that the Wild Card is that he can't heal from hunger, now this is a good first thought and is shared by other teams, though those other teams immediately realised that if that were the Wild Card everyone would die of hunger and started looking for other options.

These 3? They stuck with that idea and started making boats to travel. When they realised that their hunger reduced passively, they panicked until Grian saved them by telling everyone in chat that they could eat anything. Now, armed with this knowledge they just have to find a good and easy to use food source.

They chose stone shovels. An item that cannot be stacked and required way more effort and resources to make than was worth it. And they stuck by this even as others told them about better foods. They only stopped using shovels because of the randomisation.

How is Jimmy the most confident member on his team?

In other news, they're theme park is going well and Lizzie's Parrot is cute. Jimmy also apparently has “Big Mascot Energy”.

Renwood - (Martyn, Ren)

These dogs are just vibing. They each lose a life each, no big deal. A far cry from previous seasons, Ren is just chilling, Not going after anyone unless they go after them first and trying to get Martyn to do the same. And he actually does, not attacking anyone this session at all. He even gives up going after Jimmy for stealing their cows (an action which was by every account deserved.)

The Tuff Guys (Tango, Etho, Bdubs) (not technically together (?))

Ah yes, Team B.E.S.T without Skizz …. Considering Skizz was the only person keeping Team B.E.S.T from imploding, this can only go well!

Yeah this team is not staying together. Technically they're already breaking up, with Bdubs saying they should only look out for themselves and insisting they live in different houses. Bdubs even cements this mentality by fully encouraging Scar to help kill Tango for no reason.

As for the “Tuff” part, Etho has decided that they need to be tougher and take what they want from people. You know, not to be nice or polite.

Luckily we can see how this works in practice, as Gem encourages him to go be tough to the Final Girls, let's see how Etho is an not being nice:

● he greets Scott and Cleo

● makes small talk

● politely asks for copper

● tries to stop Pearl stealing from them since he doesn't know she's on they're team

● takes more of the stuff he was told he could have

● gives them obsidian in return anyway

● and still feels bad about it.

Yeah not only was this the least tough Etho had ever been, the Girls almost certainly didn't notice and probably won't even care when they do. Great job Etho.

The Fast And The Furious (Gem, Joel)

This session, Gem announced her plan to make friends so people don't judge them based on 5 seasons worth of going insane every time they go red. This lasts for 3 minutes before other people arrive, Scar misunderstands instructions, Etho lets the cops out and the Final Girls partake in their favourite pastime of miscommunication and insisting their own teammates are doing something they aren't.

Other attempts to make friends do go better, with Gem arguably being on good terms with everyone except two people. So that's good.

Gem also builds a cute little Bard that I give a session before it's burnt down or has a Creeper hole in it. Joel spends all session building a car. Everyone on the server thinks it's hideous, mainly because it is hideous.

The Final Girls - (Scott, Pearl, Cleo, Impulse, Bigb)

Somehow the most stable team here, even if it is mostly out of spite. Yeah this team will stay together, the core four have never betrayed anyone unless an outside faction is involved. They're safe. Even if they continue the tradition of forgetting all the bad stuff they did and only reimbursing bad stuff their teammates did (what do you mean Pearl doesn't trust people based on what happened in previous seasons? That was you, Cleo!)

Oh Bigb also joined this session. Though I imagine this will be a Heart Foundation situation where he bases alone despite being on the team.

Scott and Cleo spend a lot of time this session fixing the mistakes Pearl and Impulse make by acting how they always do. A house and wall are built and Pearl and Impulse prepare revenge plans on Grian and Martyn. Pearl encourages Impulse not to tell the others, seemingly forgetting that Cleo and Bigb are addicted to revenge and would have no problem with this.

Alliances and Friendships:

Lizzie and Gem

these two agree to team up if their teammates die. Since their teammates are idiots.

Remember, Lizzie is the one who made the stone shovel plan.

Spanners Vs Bammers

The Bam-Boozelers still hate the Spanners, dropping their reputation all the way to zero. Mumbo and Skizz either don't realise this or don't care. Grian was gone almost all session mining so can't really say what his thoughts on the situation are.

The Family - (Joel, Etho, Gem)

Etho is indoctrinated into yet another family, though he seems more willing to be present for this one. When Tuff Guys breaks up like 5 minutes into session 3, we all know where he's going.

Also Scar might also be part of the family though every else seems to just ignore this.

Spanners Vs Tango

The Spanners are really angry at Tango for accidentally killing Skizz. They seem satisfied with manifesting his death through belief, but it seems they haven't let him off the hook yet. We all know Bdubs won't help him

Joel might also be mad at Tango since he ate the wheels of his ugly car.

Mumbo & Jimmy still hate Renwood

Mumbo still doesn't trust Martyn after the enchanter fiasco and Jimmy attempts to get revenge for the cow theft. Ren and Martyn have chosen to ignore this, Mumbo seems to have forgotten he was angry, and Jimmy is satisfied that he got revenge.

Ren buys his friends

Ren bought Gem and Tangos friendship through iron. Will this hold up? No.

Gem has beef with team oblivious

Gem hates Pearl and Impulse this season. They are at the top of her inevitable murder list.

● The Final Girls came round for a visit

● Impulse was accused of stealing

● He said he wouldt stela since he knows what it's like to be stolen from

● Gem took this as him amusing her of stealing

● Scott cut him off before he could explain himself by saying he was purposely antagonising them

● Gem cut both of them off by ranting about how much she doesn't trust them

Stellar miscommunication guys, great job as always. Please never change, the series would be way less funny if you did.

Pearl also made it worse by trying to Poison Gem 30 minutes later. Woopsie.

Neither Pearl nor Impulse notice that Gem hates them and the others refuse to tell them.

[raven-at-the-writing-desk]

Do you have any crack headcannons like you did with Ace with hitting on Jamil?

I have one of Grim knowing how to use a toilet like a person would but not how to open doors. So during book 5. Guys would see Grim using the toilet, in the dark, in the middle of the night if they have to. They see two bright circles in the bathroom until they turn on the light.

[Referencing this post!]

👆 This scene from Puss in Boots 2 except it’s Grim and Yuu—

I have a lot of silly personal headcanons (probably way too many to contain in a post)! Off the top of my head:

A frequent topic among the first years is romance. It's mostly because Ace instigates (usually to brag about how much experience + game he has and how everyone else is a LOSER). Deuce and Epel are flustered, Jack tries to be mature and call out Ace's childish behavior + views, Sebek loudly compares what Ace says to the things he has read in his romance novels + advice from Lilia, and Ortho--shockingly--is the most level-headed and logical of the group. (He'll take one look at Ace's vital signs and declare the guy is actually lying about having rizz.)

(PREFACING THIS ONE WITH THE CONTEXT THAT I WAS SUFFERING REALLY BADLY FROM MONTHLY CRAMPS AND CAME UP WITH THIS TO COMFORT MYSELF) Due to their heightened senses, fae and/or beastmen are able to sense very subtle changes, such as shifts in weather (ie a storm is rolling in) and changes in the body. For example, local feminist king L*ona can somehow sense when "that time" of month is coming and will show up on some poor woman's doorstep a few days before it starts with a plastic bag of [feminine hygiene products], snacks, pain relief medicine, and a heating pad in it. He gives NO explanation, just unceremoniously tosses it on the floor before he turns around and peaces tf out.

Mostro Lounge staff are granted paid lunch breaks, but if they choose to eat from the lounge then they still need to pay for 50% of it. They once tried to unionize, but Azul sent in the twins to shut it down real fast.

Jade and Trey love really bad puns and dad jokes.

The Magic Carpet is Scarabia's unofficial mascot. The mobs generally like it and act like it's the dorm's collective pet dog. Sometimes they drop scraps of food for it from banquets/parties (... D-Does it eat? If so, how...?).

Crewel and Vil heard about the time the Ramshackle Ghosts designed and made Yuu + Grim Halloween costumes. They decided to work with the ghosts to make a fashion line using repurposed old fabrics for a charity fashion show. Proceeds went to an environmental conversation organization.

Lilia hates milk substitutes. He finds them offensive and it breaks his heart to see others ask for the "fake stuff". Insists that those are not "true milk", "It's just nut or grain water!! NUT OR GRAIN WATER!!"

Lilia goes on dating apps just to see who he can bag, then he kicks down the door to the Diasomnia lounge to brag that he’s “still got it”.

Malleus learned about swear words from Leona. (He asked Lilia what a “flying fuck” was because Leona said it in front of him 😭)

Crowley has a 20-step beauty routine. Also sings (terribly) while he engages in self care.

Fellow goes on dates just to scam women of their valuables and/or to leech off their resources for a little while. His ideal targets are lonely wealthy widows and/or lonely wives whose spouses are often busy with work or traveling. Usually ends with him getting smacked by the woman, chased off by an angry spouse, or him pathetically groveling for mercy at their feet.

[heartfullofleeches]

I love that idea for the 4th franken hound!

Also just read ff reader with shorts lore have mercy plEase MORE FAST FOOD READER THIGHS

(FF Reader crushing things with their thighs? FF Reader crushing things with their thighs)

"Go! Go! Go! Go!"

Everytime they show up late- The janitor tracks the roar of cheers and hollers to the play area doors. A sticky substance bolts their feet to the floor as they enter - bitterness punching them in the gut knowing they'll have to be the one to clean the mess up. The janitor surveys the filthy covered floor to see the extent of the damaged, grimacing at each new sight they see. Some produce that looked liked it been pressed with a rolling pin, a flattened kid's meal box, a crushed soda can? What the hell happened while they were fixing their tires?

...

"...Holy shit..."

Sitting at one of the tables, your fellow crew mates surround you. The bathroom succubus cheers you on from over your shoulder, phone camera pointed at your lap. Lambchop towers over you, enjoying the flesh of your previous victims - the juices of raw tomatoes and apples staining the mascots white fur. Their eyes too focus on the item between your thighs, more hunger present in them than usual. Even the ice cream machine ghost was apart of the crowd - his eternal prison wheeled into the venue so he wouldn't miss out. None of you would hear the end of it if you did. He points out a hairline fracture splitting through the middle section of the fruit held between your thighs.

"I see a line! It's breaking! Keep going!"

Sure enough, the split widens as you squeeze harder - the red innards of the melon spilling from within and down your sticky legs. Gripping the undersides of your seat, you lift yourself off from the table as beads of sweat pour down your face - flexing your muscles as the strain increases around the melon's thick skin. You shovel two fingers between the gap, holding it in place as you plop back down on the bench. You throw one leg over the other and with one final compression the watermelon breaks in two - lower half falling into the waiting hands of Lambchop as you hold up the rest to show to everyone.

"Who wants watermelon?!"

Thunderous applause rumbles from the ball pit as the hands clap in celebration of your victory. The bathroom succubus replays the exact moment the watermelon splits exchanging words of disbelief with the ice cream machine ghost.

"They fucking did it- They actually did it-"

"I know- Dude, I totally didn't think they were gonna get pass that coconut either, but they did."

The Janitor picks their jaw off the floor as you notice them at last, waving them over. "...was did all this stuff go back or something?"

You place your half of the watermelon on the table. "Probably not. We've been cleaning out the ball pit since you hate to do it and somewhere along the line Lye dared me to crush a soda cup between my legs which lead to this."

"Cool....cool..... Can...can someone send me that video?"

[eternal-kosmo-ghoul]

“even i’m not into that shit”

❤︎ synopsis — the sleep token members being fucking morons and fucking around

pairing: sleep token members x gn!reader (can be platonic or romantic)

theme: crack ✦

a/n: I’M BACK !!!! hopefully i don’t disappear for like a good fifty years after this. this is my third set of stupid ass headcanons. i pulled my shitty humor out of my ass for this one, enjoy !!! (the original ask got swallowed by my dumbass because i accidentally posted the unfinished fic 💀 this is dedicated to my bestie @dead-end-fanfiction)

cw: i think the title speaks for itself

▆▆▆▆▆▆▆▆▆▆▆▆▆▆▆▆▆▆▆▆▆▆▆▆▆

➵ vessel

i just know this man is the most unhygienic motherfucker to ever exist

more specifically with his teeth. he cannot brush his teeth to save his life

like ??? this all powerful, dark deity, has the most stinky ass breath that if anyone dares to even breath it in, they’d disintegrate on the spot

like what the fuck vessel, you’re better than this

i love vessel but he just does weird shit sometimes

he sleeps butt ass naked

and one time you accidentally walked in on him while he was literally stripping to get ready for bed

he stood there like an npc while you were freaking out

“…. what’s wrong—“ “what’s wrong is that YOU’RE BUTT ASS NAKED IN FRONT OF ME—“

vessel is easily fascinated by human things. i mean - he was once human, so he likes to keep in touch every now and then.

however, out of all of the human things he had to have an obsession with.

… it was rubber ducks

this isn’t even explainable— how do you explain this all-powerful sleep entity to be obsessed with rubber ducks

he literally has a whole room dedicated to his collection of anything rubber duck related. give him a gift that has something to do with ducks and he’s making out with you on the spot

that’s not a joke, he did that with you before

➵ ii

this motherfucker is on his last limb and he’s being held together by paper clips

ii’s not even the leader but he cannot catch a break to save his life

he’s the only one that knows how to cook

one time he left ivy and the vesselettes in the kitchen by themselves. came back to house fires and high pitched screaming that definitely was not from the ladies

ii makes bomb ass banana cream pie though

ik for a fact this man does NOT keep his room clean

you once walked into his room to ask him a favor and there were like - a million drumsticks everywhere on the floor while he sat in the center of it

how does one possess that many drumsticks???

“dude what the f— clean your room!” “it gives me inner peace, y/n. go away.”

ii’s scared of the jollibee mascot

he once went out with his buddies to get some of that fast food. that giant red and yellow fuckass bee then came out of nowhere and spooked the shit out of ii

he then socked the guy in the face so hard the dude wearing the costume had a bloody nose

ii quickly fled the scene to not get arrested

after that he’s had a fear of fast food mascots in general, it’s kinda funny.

don’t bring ii near the jack in the box mascot though, he’s got some trauma from what he’s seen on twitter

➵ iii

zesty ahh mf

plays his bass like he’s fingering someone’s asshole like 🤨 whatcha doin’ iii ??

the type of man to set like fifty million alarms but never wakes up to any of them

however he wakes up everyone else in the process

it gets annoying hearing the “by the seaside” ringtone every morning at 6am. so one day you came into his room and poured ice cold water on him to wake him up

iii didn’t wake up from that btw, you thought it was dead

“…. bro wtf wake up—“

thankfully he wasn’t

biggest kpop stan

he’s a boy group stan and his favorite group is ateez

constantly blasting guerilla too

also i feel like iii owns a tumblr blog too

he’d be out here posting some shih like “pov you’re locked in a room w him for twenty four hours and you have to tickle his balls wyd” 💀

he probably posts also moodboards or some shi and tags them like an actual tumblr blogger

#it took my ahh fifty hours to make this plz repost it

stalks his fans on twitter

gets scared by said fans on twitter

“wdym they wanna get me pregnant”

breaks his bass every four hours during practice and vessel chews his ahh out every time

but it’s funny because you’re always there to help him

➵ ivy

he likes to act like he’s tough shit but ivy is a huge nerd

literally the definition of “magical in bed” except the magic is him explaining the gaming system of magic the gathering

hot asf but has no bitches frfr

also the definition of loser trapped in a hottie’s body

i’d like to believe that ivy has a crunchy ipad kid cough

and i mean CRUNCHY. bro will start choking on his saliva and start coughing like a dying seal

it’s quite hilarious, but also concerning at the same time

the first time you heard him cough like that, you were like 😟

“AEUGH- HEUGH— BEUHSHAK-“ “ivy—“

that pretty sums up the entire interaction

this bitch looks like he ate glue as a kid

more specifically glitter glue. the pink kind.

idk that sounds like ivy

he gets literal death coffee in the morning too btw

no ice. no sugar. straight shots of espresso.

eight shots, btw.

the coffee looks blacker than the black hole.

iii tried some of his coffee one time and spat it all in your face. ivy watched with his hell coffee in hand as you beat the shit out of iii

yeah, safe to say ivy was banned from having that kind of coffee for a while

so yeah. that pretty much sums up the kind of person ivy is

[trustywukkiii]

JOLLIBEE DATE JOLLIEBEE DATE

JOLLIBEE DATE | LAIOS TOUDEN (sfw)

synopsis — curious on how to spend your lunch together, laios recommended a special restaurant you haven’t been to in a while. excitedly and proudly, you decided to show him the ropes of a place that showed off your filipino roots. (laios x gn!filipino!reader)

content warnings — public displays of affection

word count — 2.2k words

author’s note — this is kind of self-indulgent since i’m filipino myself! i also tend to enjoy introducing jollibee with my friends who haven’t tried them! if you’re filipino, i hope this somewhat resonates with you! and if not, i hope it inspires to check the restaurant out sometime! hope you enjoy reading!

Laios has always been open-minded when it came to food. Whether it be from another culture, or a completely raw parasite from the bowels of a squid. Nevertheless, his attitude has always endeared you.. and never failed to surprise you every time.

“What was that place called again?” Laios innocently asked, his mind wandering. You two have been brainstorming a place to eat out for lunch. You weren’t sure what to suggest, so your lovely boyfriend offered. “You know, the one you share pictures of when you’re eating with your family? I’ve heard good things about their fried chicken! I’d like to try, if that’s okay with you.”

Damn right it was. Hell, you were excited. Nothing made you prouder to be Pinoy than seeing others try out such a staple in Filipino fast food. Especially Laios of all people! Something tells you deep in your gut that he’d love it.

Thankfully, there was your local Jollibee just a few minutes away from home. It had those big posters of families eating with big smiles on every wall, you could hear a mixture of Filipino and English amongst the customers and staff, and most especially, you could smell that tasty nostalgic smell from the kitchen at the back of the cashier.

You hoped Laios didn’t notice, but you were carefully watching his every reaction upon entering the place. And as per usual, Laios never disappoints.

“Woah! Is that—?!” His eyes brightened upon falling onto the big red and yellow jolly mascot that entertained the kids. “Judging based off of the wings, it’s an insect. And it also has stripes on its hind. Is it a bee?”

“Correct, big guy.” You gleamed at his enthusiasm. “Hence, why he’s called ‘Jolli-bee.”

“That makes sense!” He smiled as he held his chin.

To be honest to yourself, Laios had a fair resemblance to the big bee chef. Both have that cute cheeky open-mouthed grin, the soft round face, and this warm feeling of inexplicable hunger you get when looking at them. Laios has always been a great cook and you’ve loved every meal he served, and Jollibee just reminds you of that nostalgic enjoyment you got out of eating such savory fast foods.

“What would you recommend?” He looked at you as you both stood in the waiting line.

You pointed towards the bright and long menu hanging from the ceiling. “You sure you don’t want to check out the menu first?” Admittedly, you’d love to pick for him. But you wanted to give Laios a chance at that freedom to try out whatever he wants. “You’re the one trying the food out after all.”

“But I trust you!” Laios squeezed your hand as you two slowly approached the cashier. “And you know the food here best— Surprise me. Please? I’ll pay for the food.”

Oh, how could you ever say no to such a thoughtful man. You squeezed his hand back and grinned excitedly. “Nuh uh. It’s my treat! Save us a seat while I order our food, okay?”

You know the man best. You could see it in his calculating eyes as he’s thinking on how to repay you anyway. Perhaps he’ll buy you more of those cute figures of that favorite show you like. He always loved supporting your interests such as you do his. “Alright. I’ll wave you over.”

The two of you eventually settled by a table at a comfy corner. While waiting for the food, Laios would glance around at the other customers. He’d take a peak at what they were eating. There were a variety of burgers, buckets of chicken, and a wide array of drinks.

“You know,” Laios whispered your name. “The color palette of the restaurant reminds me a lot of McDonalds. So much red and yellow, it kinda gives you that hungry effect.”

“Huh, I kinda noticed that as well.” He’s such a nerd for details.

Buzz! Buzz! Buzz!

“Ah, food’s ready,” you indicated from the small machine on the table.

“I’ll pick up the food!” Laios stood up almost immediately with the biggest smile on his face. He left no room for refusals. “Here, lend me the receipt and I’ll be right back!”

As he skipped away from your table, you could catch him bubbling with giggles, eyes closed with excitement. You watched as he proudly displayed the receipt to the staff, retrieved the delicious bagged goods, and sauntered right back to you like a jolly pup who fetched a bone for you. “So, what do we have here?”

“Mm! First, I want you to try the fries. They’re not too salty and they’re the right amount of munchy!” You dug through the bag and pulled out the little cup of fries. You took a fry out and held it out to his mouth.

If it were anybody else you were eating with, they’d probably get taken aback from your forwardness. But this is Laios we’re talking about. He’ll always be excited to support you whenever something interests you. He needn’t say a word as he took a bite of the fry in your hand. He cherished the taste in his mouth with slow chews. He even tilted his head as he tried assessing the right words in his head. Then, his golden eyes beamed. “It’s good!”

The anxiety that once swelled in your heart immediately faded upon this. Oh, you couldn’t love him any less. You dug through the paper bag again. “If you want to add ketchup, here’s some packets for you.”

“Thanks!” He gently took them from your hand. He reached for more fries as well, eating them one at a time in such a polite manner.

“Woah, woah, hold on!” You laughed. “Save some room for the main course!”

“Ah, right! Sorry,” he rubbed the back of his neck as he blushed. “The fries just taste so good already!”

“I know right?” Finally, you pulled out the wrapped burger and placed it in front of Laios. “Here! This is a very iconic menu item of Jollibee’s— a yumburger with cheese! It’s very important that you specify at the register for it to be ‘with cheese’! C’mon, try it out!”

Laios wasted no time. He began unwrapping the burger as you began unwrapping yours as well. You waited until he took the first bite before you could take a bite on your own. You watched him take a big bite, rest onto the back of his chair as he chewed energetically. “Mmm!” He swallowed. “Woah, it’s just like a cheeseburger but without lettuce or tomatoes! The beef is juicy and the cheese is soothing too! The burger is incredibly simple, but it has a delicious sauce that enhances the savoriness overall!”

“Hehe, I’m glad you think so!” You expressed it with a smile. As Laios continued eating, you pulled off the disc covering the bucket of chicken, and you two were engulfed in a strong aroma.

“Ooh! Is that the chicken?” Laios asked. “May I have one?”

“Of course, here. Try it with gravy! It’s super good!” You handed him a drumstick and a little container of gravy.

You could practically see Laios drooling as he poured the sauce carefully onto the piece and expertly chomped down. He hummed with delight, glancing at the ceiling as he did. “I like it! The gravy perfectly complements the juiciness of the chicken! It’s not too oily either! And the skin is sooo crunchy! C’mon! You should dig in too!”

Laios waited for you to start eating as well. He surely didn’t want to spend the afternoon chowing down on his own. Seeing you indulge yourself in food made his heart (and stomach) full.

The two of you would continue eating. It was peaceful just to eat in each other’s company for Laios thought it was more than enough just to have you beside him, eating lunch together without a single worry in the world.

“Oh! I almost forgot about our drinks!” You jolted mid-bite. While you tried digging into the bag once again, Laios casually wiped crumbs off the corner of your lips with his tender thumb. God, the small things he does for you. It could practically make your heart explode.

“Here, these are what you call Coconut Dream Freeze’s!” you said, handing him his little plastic bottle with a straw you already placed for him. “They’re kindaa new? They were released just this summer. I really like them.”

“I see..” Laios took it into his hands. He inspected the white chilly substance with a squint. Then, he sucked onto the straw slowly, sparks slowly glimmering in his eyes. “Huh, it’s sweet, but not in an overbearing way…! It kinda reminds me of taro milk tea.”

“Really? Huh, never thought of it that way.”

“Still, it’s pretty tasty! Perfect for a warm day.” He chuckled before taking another sip of the drink.

It always made your heart burst at the seams whenever he analyzed food that way. Besides his passion for monsters, his love for food sort of reminded you of yourself. You had your fair share of interests too. Rarely you ever get to meet a guy who purely enjoyed his own hobbies and interests too, let alone never afraid to show it. But Laios just gets you.

The rest of lunch was spent eating to your heart’s content. Laios got a brain freeze for a moment, and you suggested putting his thumb on the roof of his mouth. The poor man winced until it went away, and he whimpered a little ‘thank you’ once he finally calmed down. You’ll definitely buy a cup of water from the cashier before you leave maybe.

Once Laios got back to chewing on his food, you’d notice his gaze fixed on the mascot entertaining a children’s birthday party. As much as you knew your boyfriend, you couldn’t quite place exactly what he was thinking most of the time. Laios would have a hard time reading you too sometimes, so exchanging questions has always been a common practice in your relationship. It made things easier that way, and lessened the risk of misunderstanding.

“What’s wrong, Laios?” You placed your hand atop his bigger and surprisingly calloused hand. “You’ve been eyeing the mascot for a while now.”

“Hm?” Upon seeing your concerned expression, he quickly snapped back. “Oh, it’s nothing serious, promise!” He assured you with a gentle smile. “I was just wondering if we could get a picture with him? I want to remember this day. But.. it might come across as weird if we ask in the middle of their party.”

“Oh, Laios.” He’s always such a sweetie. “How about we come up to them once we pack up— together. I’m sure they won’t mind.”

“Really?”

“Of course. C’mon, we should hurry before he leaves!”

Laios was quick to begin packing up your leftovers with you. He insisted on holding the bag while you held your drinks.

You two quietly sauntered towards the Jollibee mascot. Once you finally caught his attention, asking for a picture went without a hitch. Thankfully, a kind stranger offered to take the picture of you three on your phone. You stood by Jollibee’s left, and Laios took the right. Everyone gave big grins, and the picture was taken almost instantly.

You and Laios thanked both the stranger and the mascot before leaving the restaurant. While walking, you wanted to check the photo. You hoped you didn’t look like trash at the time, but Laios consistently reassured you that you looked amazing as ever.

Once you’ve opened your gallery, you clicked onto the photo and it made your insides warm. Laios looked as happy as ever. You could tell that this surely was a day for him to reminisce from now on.

However, your eyes were probably playing tricks on you. You squinted and leaned close to your phone. Laios was smiling the same exact way as the Jollibee mascot. Both with kiddy grins and soft round cheeks that only accentuated his sweet face.

Laios would make a great Jollibee costume for Halloween, you thought. You didn’t want to bring it up to the man just yet. He might get the wrong idea, however, it only made the man that much cuter.

After a few minutes of walking, you two have just arrived home at your shared apartment and placed your leftovers on the coffee table. Not long after you two sunk into the couch, your head resting on the tall man’s shoulder as he had his arm around your waist.

He softly whispered your name.

“Yes?”

“Thank you for the lunch,” Laios said, a sheepish smile on his face as he tried meeting your gaze. His body tensed as he desperately tried not to mess up his words. “I just wanted to get to understand you a bit more. I hope it wasn’t too weird to do it this way.”

“Are you kidding?” You leaned even closer. You couldn’t help but chuckle. “I’m super happy you got to try the place out. I don’t get to go there often anymore, so… it was nice coming back there and sharing it with you.”

Laios immediately softened at this. He cupped your face and planted a chaste kiss on your forehead. “Guess that means we should come back there again. Or.. if we’re feeling too lazy, we can always order online.”

“Hm,” you giggled. You nest right into his chest where you can feel his warm heartbeat. “Sounds good to me… by the way, would you ever consider cosplaying as Jollibee?”

[joeys-babe]

Joey B Blurbs: Angel Eyes

————————————————————————-

Summary: You attempt to prank Joe, but his angel-like eyes and all-convincing pout have your prank backfiring.

Warnings: Fluff, pranks!

Pairing: Joe Burrow x reader

Imagine Universe: Into the Mystic

A/N: Part 5 of blurb night!

————————————————————————-

No particular date for this blurb!

“Dinner time!” - you

Grinning as I paused the music playing over my speaker, I couldn't help but feel nothing but happiness watching my three boys run into the kitchen from the living room.

“Looks great, baby.” - Joe smiled

“Thanks, but I'm sure it won't look too good when you're cleaning it off plates later.” - you

“I don't care, that's our rule. If someone fixes it, the other cleans it. If we both cook, we both clean.” - Joe

I stood on my tiptoes and gave him a big kiss.

“Crap, I forgot drinks.” - you mumble, sighing

“You sit down, I’ll get ‘em.” - Joe

Before doing as Joe said, I got the twins into their booster seats and then sat down myself.

Joe walked back into the dining room just a moment later, his big hands allowing him to hold all four cups.

“Thanks.” - you

“Of course.” - Joe

Joe then put food onto all our plates, taking one of my hands in his when we started eating.

“Love you.” - Joe

“Love you too.” - you

——

After dinner, it was bath time for Tyson and Miles.

“We seriously need to order wet suits.” - Joe

“Why?” - you laughed

“They splash!” - Joe

“Oh, suck it up. Let's go.” - you

The tub was filled moments later, and Tyson and Miles climbed in. They were still young enough to bathe together - not like they would agree to do it separately anyway.

“Look!” - Tyson

Ty held up one of the plastic bath toys in Joe’s face, showing off his little tiger toy.

“That’s cool buddy. It’s like the mascot for the Bengals.” - Joe

“Yup!” - Tyson

Joe grabbed their mini basketball hoop out of the bath toy drawer and suction-cupped it to the shower wall.

“Can you make a basket, bubs?” - you

I handed Miles a mini-basketball, and he nodded and launched the ball across the shower.

Somehow making it in, Joe looked at me shocked.

“Gah-lee! Draft him to the league.” - Joe

“He’s got a cannon of an arm like his daddy does.” - you winked

Joe smiled and playfully rolled his eyes, handing Tyson a ball in the process.

“Let's start actually washing.” - you laughed

——

After getting the twins completely washed off and dried Joe and I headed to their room to get them dressed and ready for bed.

They wore matching pajamas, of course.

Miles and Tyson climbed into Tyson’s bed like they did every night for Joe to tell them a story. I laid down next to them and buckled up for the story Joe was about to tell.

“What kind of story do you guys want to hear tonight?” - Joe

“Lo- ve.” - Tyson

“A love story?” - you

Tyson nodded, so Joe continued.

“Okay. I’ll tell you my favorite one.” - Joe

He grinned, and not only did I know his devious smile was directed towards me, but I knew it meant he was up to something.

“One day, this boy, we’ll name him Joe, went to school.” - Joe

“That's your name!” - Miles

I immediately knew where this was headed, and I felt butterflies swarm my stomach.

“Yup. It was the first day of his senior year of high school. Not thinking much, he went to his first-period class. His teacher always made a boy and a girl sit together, and Joe thought he’d hate it, but it ended up being the best thing to ever happen to him.” - Joe

Both of the boys gasped, making Joe chuckle before he continued.

“Joe found his seat and saw that a girl he'd never seen before was sitting there. He thought she was beautiful, but Joe was focusing on football. Joe would soon find out that her name was y/n.” - Joe

“Like Mommy!” - Miles

“Yup, like Mommy. Joe and y/n talked the entire class, and they did that every day. They quickly realized that they had a lot in common and became best friends. Fast forward a bit, y/n wins homecoming queen, and Joe escorts her on the field. There, y/n called Joe her best friend… and told him that he was cute.” - Joe

There was another gasp from the twins, and I rolled my eyes with a smile on my face.

“Woah!” - Tyson

“I know, right? Not too long before that, Joe realized that he had a crush on her, but he just didn't know how to drop hints. After a little brainstorming, Joe asked y/n to the dance at school, but she already had a date.” - Joe

“Oh no!” - Tyson

“That's what Joe thought too, but the dance ended up being the best day of Joe’s life. The guy y/n went to the dance with ditched her, and Joe went alone. Y/n found Joe walking around in the hallways by himself, and she asked if he wanted to go see which teachers left their classroom doors open. Joe said yes, and y/n held his hand as they walked through the hallways. The chemistry door was open, which was the class they met in. They sat down at their table, and Joe realized it would be the perfect time to tell her how he felt. Joe told y/n he liked her, and y/n liked Joe too.” - Joe

Another gasp from Miles and Tyson, and I giggled at the look on their faces as Joe told the story of him and I getting together.

“Joe then asked y/n to be his girlfriend, and she said yes. Guess what happened next.” - Joe

“What?” - Miles

“They kissed.” - Joe

“Ew!!” - Miles

“Aww!” - Tyson

I laughed at their differing opinions, which were stated at the same time, and Joe did too, before giving me a wink.

“They live happily ever after?” - Tyson

“Yup. They got married and are still together to this day. They love each other very much. They're parents too, to twin boys.” - Joe

“Like me and Ty?” - Miles

“Mhm, and y/n is pregnant with a baby girl.” - Joe

“Like Mommy!” - Tyson

“Wait… is it about you and Mommy?” - Miles

Joe looked at me with a tiny smile on his face, the bling in his eyes making my heart flutter.

“Yes. That's how we met. The best day of my life.” - Joe grinned

——

“That was super sweet, Joey.” - you

“The story?” - Joe smiled

We had just walked into our bedroom from putting the twins to sleep, and my mind was stuck on Joe retelling the story of how we met.

“Yeah. I'm glad I got it right the first time.” - you

“Get what right?” - Joe

“Picking a boyfriend. We really said one and done.” - you laughed

“For real, but I’m glad too. Thank god for boy-girl seating chart teachers.” - Joe

Joe plopped onto the bed onto his stomach after pulling his shirt off, asking without words for me to lay down and scratch his back.

I walked over and leaned down, pressing a kiss between his shoulder blades before waking over to the bathroom.

In our usual routine, Joe and I would shower together. We took the time to share some non-sexual intimacy while spending our uncommon alone time exclusively together.

But today, Joe’s getting pranked.

Walking into the bathroom, I shut the door and locked it behind me.

I rushed to set my phone up to start videoing, then turned the shower on.

Almost instantaneously, Joe was knocking on the bathroom door.

Looking at the camera and laughing, I let him knock a couple of times before opening the door.

“Baby? Are you showering without me?” - Joe

He had his bottom lip stuck out in a pout, giving me his classic pleading angel eyes. Joe knew that combo got him anything.

“I just felt like having some alone time.” - you

Joe’s mouth fell open as he stared at me, honestly looking offended.

“What?” - Joe

“I wanted some alone time.” - you chuckle

“You seriously don't want me to shower with you?” - Joe

I stepped up on my tiptoes and pecked Joe’s lips, patting his chest when I pulled away.

“Maybe next time, babe.” - you

Making sure I was off-camera, I started undressing and the look on Joe’s face made me feel sad.

Once I was fully undressed, I hopped in the glass shower and shut the door behind me.

I looked over at Joe only to find him staring right at me with the same pout on his face.

“Aww, c’mere. I was just joking. You can shower with me, baby.” - you

“That's what I thought.” - Joe mumbled

When Joe undressed and hopped into the shower, I pulled him into my arms and pressed kisses all over his neck and face.

“You were videoing that entire thing weren't you?” - Joe

“Of course.” - you grinned

“You’re going to be the death of me.” - Joe

“Good way to go out though, right?” - you

“The best.” - Joe smiled

————————————————————————-

Authors note: Next fic at 9:25!!!

Requests for this fic;

[stygianturtle]

October 4: There’s a lot of fast food and cereal mascots out there… I think you know where I’m going with this. Take any of those mascots and turn them into a MONSTER or KILLER.

So it seems Crackle of Rice Krispies was a red cap all along -redcap (or powrie) is a type of malevolent, murderous goblin found in Border folklore. He is said to inhabit ruined castles along the Anglo-Scottish border, especially those that were the scenes of tyranny or wicked deeds and is known for soaking his cap in the blood of his victims.

[bluelocksource]

Kurona Ranze’s trivia

☆ Character color: Pink.

☆ Birthday: 6th September.

☆ Current age: 16 (1st year high schooler).

☆ Zodiac: Virgo.

☆ Birthplace: Hokkaido.

☆ Family structure: Father. Mother. Himself.

☆ Current height: 168 cm.

☆ Foot size: 26.5 cm.

☆ Dominant foot: Right foot.

☆ Vision acuity: 1.2

☆ Blood type: O.

☆ Grip strength: 38 kg.

☆ Motto: "Take care of your own mood."

☆ Starts playing football: At age 4.

☆ Team before joining BLUE LOCK: Kirikizan High School Soccer Club.

切刻斬 (kirikizan) can mean 'cutting slash' or 'precise cut'.

☆ Hobby: Playing with his braid. "Since childhood, I’ve had the habit of touching my bangs when I’m daydreaming, watching TV, or concentrating. When my parents jokingly taught me how to braid, I’ve had braided hair ever since. I braid and unbraid it to get through boring classes."

☆ Favorite food: Twist bread. "It’s cute because it looks like a braid. Any flavor is fine."

☆ Food he dislike: Iga’s hard-baked rice crackers. "I chipped a tooth as a child. They’re hard. Hard.”

Iga is a city in Mie Prefecture.

☆ What goes best with rice: "I prefer bread, so I don’t know much about it."

☆ Favorite animal: Great white shark. "I feel a connection because of its jagged teeth. Jaws. Jaws."

☆ Favorite season: Spring. "It makes me want to run. RUN. RUN."

☆ Favorite football player: Lamine Yamal.

☆ Favorite song: "Onaji Yoru" by sancrib.

☆ Favorite manga: Gachiakuta.

☆ Favorite movie: Guardians of the Galaxy.

☆ Mushroom shoots vs Bamboo shoots: Bamboo shoots. "I like the crispy biscuit-like texture. Bamboo shoots sprouting up."

☆ What makes him happy: Subtle affection. "I like people who always look out for me."

☆ What makes him upset: Being yelled at. "They should just talk to me before getting angry. Anger management is important."

☆ What he thinks his strength is: "I can build relationships with others while maintaining a moderate distance. Also, I’m fast on my feet."

☆ What he thinks his weakness is:  "I tend to be quite casual about things I’m not interested in. Casual."

☆ What made him cry recently: “When my pet hedgehog passed away.”

☆ Favorite/best subject: "None in particular. None. I dislike studying."

☆ Weak/least favorite subject: "All of them. That’s why I hate studying! Don’t ask! Don’t ask!"

☆ Ideal type: Someone who maintains a moderate distance but stays close.

☆ Number of chocolates received from previous Valentine: 4.

☆ At what age he experiences first love: 8 years old.

☆ The first time he got confessed to: “A classmate told me they liked me, but it was in a mascot-like way. I was disappointed. I was really down.”

☆ Fixation: Hairstyles. "A person’s hairstyle reflects their personality."

☆ Average sleeping time: 7.5 hours.

☆ How he spend his holiday: “Training to improve my running speed. Taking care of my hedgehog (the second one). Then just relaxing casually. Relaxing.”

☆ When taking a bath, which part he washes first: His hair. "I undo my braid and carefully treat it."

☆ What he usually buy from the convenience store: "Hair ties. Hair ties."

☆ What will he do if he received 100 million yen: "I’d be shocked. Shocked."

☆ At what age he stops receiving presents from Santa: At 11 years old.

☆ What was his last wish from Santa: "Socks, for soccer. It was funny to find socks inside Santa’s stocking."

☆ What will he do during his last day on Earth: "Spend a relaxing time with my parents and my pet hedgehog (the second one)."

☆ Favorite historical figure: John Lennon.

☆ If he hadn’t encountered soccer, what will he be doing: “I might have aimed to become a pet groomer.”

☆ If he could only take one thing to a deserted island, what would it be: "I’d take my pet hedgehog (the second one) with me. Oh, the hedgehog's name is Pocari."

☆ If he had a time machine, would he go to the past or the future: The future. “I want to go really far into the future and make friends with future people.”

note: i want to apologize in advance for any mistake made in the translation!

source: Egoist Bible 2.

[welcome-to-roomba-fazbender]

Dear Diary.

"Today, I ate the entire Abraham Lincoln state, and replaced it with an exact replica, before showing up to my monthly meeting with the other fast food mascots."

"at this month's meeting, they tried to crucify me for that book I published revealing all their secrets, but shockingly Wendy and the Starbucks Mermaid defended me, since they were glad thanks to my actions, they could come out of the closet."

"Oh and The Colonel even brought the taco bell dog, turns out he wasn't dead and was just very old, I've never seen a chihuahua with all grey hair."

"After the monthly meeting, I went for drinks with Wendy and The Starbucks Mermaid, and we gossiped with eachother, about Burger King and Ronald."

"They are some sassy bitches, but damn do they know how to party."

"We all woke up black out drunk infront of Paris Hilton's house, apparently they wanted to TP it, and I supplied the toilet paper, I also helped them escape the police."

"I made it back to my restaurant an hour ago, I placed a mannequin of myself in my office, so no one would know I'm missing, shockingly it worked."

"It also helps Robert was there getting drunk again, some customers still confuse me and him for eachother."

"Alright, Diary aka followers, that was my report for today, lmao bye."

[maigetheplatypus57]

So this may be specifically funny to me but the main difference in my experience of reading @mangobaii-daily last year and reading it again this year is that now I like. Actually Know people who work in Disneyland California. specifically as performers and I know for a fact that they only got in because they've been taking dance lessons since childhood and had years of highschool musical theater experience. and even then theyre not character/mascot actors (which i imagine would have even higher standards considering you're performing in a sweaty suit and representing a character of a corporation that has Standards and a Reputation to uphold) so actually how the Fuck did mb!dream land that job as goofy. like that isnt some fucking chuck e cheese fast food mascot that the manager of the store wears for birthdays like that shit is fucking DISNEYLAND and requires at Least an audition and resume. so what I'm saying is does mb!dream actually have an insane background in performing arts. did he suck the casting director's dick for that job. was there nepotism involved. was mb!george's insane ramblings actually correct and mb!dream is actually the physical manifestation of Goofy in a human being and whoever oversaw his audition was so blown away they immediately knew he was perfect for the role??? like actually how the FUCK did mb!dream get casted as beloved popular disney character GOOFY???

[weirdmarioenemies]

Name: Chester Chomper Jr. Debut: This post from three years ago

Hey, so remember three years ago when we had you plant those Chester Chomper seeds to grow a Baby Chester Chomper for the sake of love and also profit? Well here he is! This is your son, who celebrated his third birthday just yesterday! Aren't you proud of him? They grow up so fast, huh?

As young as he may be, Chester Chomper Jr. already knows about the delectable taste of Plants vs. Zombies: Garden Warfare Cheetos from 2014, and I'm sure that hearing that makes you a proud parent. And it's good he does, given Chester Chomper Jr. is allergic to every food that isn't 2014 Garden Warfare Cheetos or zombies! I know this because I tried breastfeeding him once, and he ended up hospitalized for three weeks. But don't worry, even if the world's supply of 2014 Garden Warfare Cheetos runs out, there's enough corpses on Earth to last him a lifetime!

(his lollipop is made of both by the way i feel the need to clarify that)

Look! Chester Chomper Jr. is on a playdate in the Toy Corner with Mako and Spikina! Isn't it adorable? He even managed to share some of his 2014 Garden Warfare Cheetos with them, wow! Now, it's not good business practice to just give them away, but give Chester Chomper Jr. a break. He's only a child! He'll learn in due time.

Lately, Chester Chomper Jr. has been practicing his ABCs (so he can know how to spell "Cheetos" correctly) and 123s (so he can track how much product he's been selling). He's also a prodigy at video games, becoming a top-level Plants vs. Zombies: Garden Warfare player while he plays as an effigy of his dead father! Neat-o beans!

And due to his absolute, undeniable adorability, sales for 2014 Garden Warfare Cheetos have been up 1000000000%! (This is from "0," which means the current number being sold is also "0," but that means you can make the number as big as you want while still being correct...!)

I think you should feel proud of your son, and how much he's grown in these past three years. (As a plant, it turns out he's pretty good at that!) Someday soon, he'll be something more special than any of us... a Radical Snack Food mascot. Sniff! His father would be so proud!

"ALLLLLRIIIIIIIIIGHHHHTTTT!" - Chester Chomper Sr. (from beyond the grave)

[wannaeatramyeon]

OMG UR RECENT ZACK LEE WORK IS SO GOOD I NEED MORE PLS AND YES WE LOVE ZACK !!!!! i love the other boys as well but zack hits diff esp bcz he’s one of the first characters introduced 🥹

Ty!! i'm glad you liked the last Zack piece! AGREED he def hits different, part of the OG group, just makes me feel a bit nostalgic for the simpler times. How about some Lookism boys first date HC? Including my faves as well of course

Lookism First Date HC

(Zack, Goo, Gun, Samuel, Jake, Johan - a lengthier Vasco gen + romantic hc here)

Zack Lee

Classic movie and coffee/meal guy (as seen with Mira)

Honestly probably the only guy that would opt for the typical teenage stuff (which isn't a criticism!!)

Will absolutely dress up and style his hair (also as seen with Mira)

But give him absolute and complete free rein? Would LOVE cheesy and domestic shit

Matching outfits, tandem bikes, couples cooking lessons, tour of Seoul so he gets to experience everything with you, farmers market, reenacting home life in IKEA (like 500 days of summer if you've seen it)

Builds up a lot of it in his head but tbh doesn't even care. Just spending time with you? On your own? <3

Would literally want to do anything and everything with you

Goo Kim

Theme/amusement park

Thrill seeking and high-energy to suit this blonde

Tbh a bit too much for a first date as it's an ALL DAY EVENT, but Goo's a bit much anyway

Face paint, character ears, character costumes - he would happily do the whole thing. Think Vasco at Notte World.

A little bit of cash flashing with fast passes and whatever bribery required to get to the front of the queue

Takes a LOT of pictures. More of the mascots and place than you two though

Buying and feeding you all the fun character foods + snacks

Gun Park

Spa. He is so high-end, exclusive, full spa experience

The downtimes we've see him with Goo are surprisingly chill and matches Gun's vibe more than Goo's

Jacuzzis, hot tubs, saunas, steam rooms, massages, manis, pedis - literally anything and everything so you're a puddle at the end of it

Uses it as an opportunity to relax as much as to get to know you

He appreciates a good body, but doesn't check you out as much as you expect and NOWHERE NEAR as much as you eye him up

Keeps his sunglasses on the whole time

Samuel Seo

Tell me this guy wouldn't be out to impress

Completely dressed up, flowers, chauffeur

And there's no way you would be paying for anything at all. He'll even pay for your shopping trip for the date outfit.

Books the most exclusive restaurant in town. Not just that, either opts for a private room or just books the whole place out just for you two

Definitely will involve a helicopter - either to get you A to B, or a night time tour of the city

Will definitely put out on a first date (no judgement). This man exudes sex, let's be honest

Jake Kim

Night time drive and stargazing

Look this might sound sketchy as hell for a first date but it's Jake, he's not a stranger

You already know him but this is your first official date. You both can talk to each other without the chaos of Big Deal and revel in the peace

Super intimate and surprisingly romantic. It's soft and comfortable, he'll be making you laugh a lot

Will take you to a non-sleazy lookout point to look at the stars and maybe share a beer

It's easier for him to be vulnerable with you especially under the cloak of night

Johan Seong

Hiking or picnic or just walking around a park

If this is a first date there is no way that Eden and Miro aren't coming along

The pups might know you already, but this is a big milestone and it needs to involve his babies

Awkward but so endearing. Very skittish. He's not familiar with this sort of situation and blushes a LOT

Absolutely rubbish at small talk or making the first move - you can tell he obviously wants to and likes you though

You best make the first moves unless you want to tiptoe around forever

[icedcoolatta]

A History of My Favorite McDonald’s Mascot, Mac Tonight

so. this is something i feel very strongly about.

this is mac tonight.

a lot of people know him as moon man.

i do not like this.

moon man, while originally being a nickname he was called in commercials, is now the name of his “fanmade” racist alter ego popularized by the alt right. i shouldn’t have to explain why this is a problem.

thankfully, this character has died down in popularity recently, so i’m taking it upon myself to rip off that ugly mask and tell you all a little about the most creative, smooth, and personally iconic mcdonald’s mascot out of all of them, Mac Tonight.

origins

in 1959, Bobby Darin released his cover of the song “Mack the Knife”. decades later, in the early 80s, some marketing guy trying to come up with an ad campaign for mcdonald’s thought “hey this song about a killer would be perfect parody material for a fast food company!”, and thus, the mcdonald’s parody was born.

Mac Tonight also drew inspiration from Max Headroom, the character. not the broadcast hijacking that used his face.

usage

in the mid 80s, the commercials started rolling in for McDonald’s brand new 24 hour policy. and they were a hit. for good reason! i am a massive fan of Mac Tonight, if it wasn’t clear, and i adore every one of these.

i would link one, but the feature doesn’t seem to be working for me at the moment…

the commercials were jazzy, smooth, maybe repetitive, but they were fun. Mac Tonight got so popular they made several statues and singing animatronics to place in restaurants across the globe.

eventually, Bobby Darin’s son found out, and sued McDonalds for using his fathers song uncredited and without permission. this was, temporarily, the end of Mac Tonight in advertising. however, in the late 90s, he began being used again in various non-musical commercials.

downfall

unfortunately, this is where moon man comes in. he is Mac Tonight’s white supremacist rapping internet persona that 4chan probably made.

i earnestly, for the life of me, cannot imagine why they would want to ruin such a beloved mascot.

he was so widespread McDonald’s tore down several Mac Tonight physical incarnations in restaurants everywhere.

Mac Tonight’s latest usage was in a Singaporean ad in 2007, a singing CGI rendition, that is still lovely despite the lack of Mack the Knife parody.

Defunctland made a wonderful video on the history of this icon.

i am thrilled to inform you all on this mascot i adore, and i hope more people love him as time goes on. down with the moon man.

[hotcryptidsinyourarea]

Falling for the Frogman of Loveland, Ohio

story synopsis: Molly is a 30-something cookbook editor who has decided to move from New York to Loveland, Ohio after a bad breakup and a desire for a fresh start. She is instantly attracted to her neighbor Jeremiah's midwestern charms, but this local guy is much more than meets the eye...

human (she/her) + interdimensional humanoid frogman (he/him) cw: social anxiety, existential pondering, negative self-talk

Chapter 3

My body and mind are so exhausted, I sleep in an hour later than I usually do. The fact that my new bed is very comfortable also facilitates this late start, but I don’t really have it in me to complain about that. I finally pry myself from between the sheets and get dressed for my first full day in my new home. First thing’s first: coffee. 

I do a quick search for the closest non-chain coffee shop to my place. Part of the appeal of moving to a smaller community is supporting the local business culture. Never again will I spend $10 on a tall, burnt-ass latte from the Bucks. There’s one on Loveland Madeira alongside all the other fast food chains, but I’m going to avoid it like the plague. It’s the weirdest thing in New York: everybody talks about how much they love their neighborhood coffee shops, but no matter when or how you see them in real life, there will always be that ubiquitous siren-logo’d cup planted firmly in hand. It’s like some grand delusion we all pretend we’re not a part of. 

No that I think people in a small town are paragons of virtue or anything. I know there is hypocrisy and assholes everywhere you go. But you spend enough time in one place and eventually you have the right to gripe about it as much as your little black heart desires! Or that’s what I tell myself, I guess. Part of me will always love New York and I truly look forward to going back and visiting. But the agitation I feel at just a passing reminder of the city tells me I made the right move leaving town. I just hope this place ends up being where I’m supposed to be. 

Well, what better way to get a feel for a new town than running a couple of normal, domestic errands? Namely: coffee. Let’s fucking gooooooo!

_____________________________________________________________

I’m loving the decor at the Blue Chip Roasters coffee shop. The amount of hearty wood furnishing and exposed burl fixtures gives it a Twin Peaks vibe without being derivative. It’s warm and homey and the scent of fresh coffee brewing makes my mouth water. There’s a huge wraparound counter that isolates the staff area behind the machines and cash register, which lines up with the doorway so you can walk right up to it. On the other side of the counter are bar stools occupied by various coffee drinkers who are all immersed in their books or laptops. It’s simple but welcoming. A satisfactory first impression, for sure. 

It’s a blessedly simple menu. They only have two types of milk, whole and oat, but I’ve never strayed from the classic whole milk-coffee combination anyways. Full fat means full flavor and that’s what I want. I order a double iced latte and a cinnamon roll for breakfast. As I drop in a dollar for tip, I notice the jar is covered in stickers and such all depicting some artists’ renditions of an anthropomorphic frog. In big block letters it reads: 

>> DON’T FROG-ET TO TIP! - LFM <<

“Who is LFM?” I ask the girl working the register. 

“Oh, it stands for Loveland Frogman. You’ve never heard of it?” 

“I can’t say that I have, but I’m new in town. Like, brand new.” 

“Oh, well it’s just a dumb local legend. Years ago, a couple cops saw a lizard standing on its hind legs and told everyone they saw a Frogman. Locals have kind of taken it on as a mascot of sorts even though it’s fake as fuck.” 

“It’s NOT fake,” says the kid behind the espresso machine pulling shots. “The Frogman is real. That lizard story is a cover-up ordered by the FBI. Ask anyone from around here and they’ll tell you a story about them or someone they know spotting him at some point.” 

“That’s ridiculous,” the cashier rolls her eyes. “The people that claim to see him are just dumbasses lying so they can be the center of attention for a moment. Either that or meth heads.” 

“It wasn’t a frog at all,” says a third worker sweeping something up behind the counter. “It was an alien. A being from another dimension. That’s why the FBI wanted to cover him up. No one cares about some overgrown science project.” 

The local color of it all has me stunned silent. I am not used to talking this much with strangers. Honestly, I felt like I was pushing it by asking the cashier in the first place. I was half expecting a snide fuck-if-I-know dismissal. And now after instigating the conversation, I find myself at a loss for words. Great! I have no idea how to get out of this in the correct, polite way. I’m a decade out of practice. Thankfully, a voice coming from a bar stool in my periphery offers me a blessed interjection to keep me from looking as dumb as I feel.  

“Don’t listen to them. They’re just messing with you because you said you’re new in town. We don’t get a lot of ‘new’ around here often. A lot of the same,” says the guy. I turn to look at him, remembering the most rudimentary of manners, but what I see doesn’t help my muteness because this dude is good looking. 

Very good looking, one might say. 

Ridiculously, if you’re so inclined. 

I get that feeling in my chest that makes me feel like I’m twelve years old again and my friend Jessica’s older brother Adam would walk in the room while we watched TV– like it’s suddenly difficult to to take a full, deep breath and a heat spreads across my shoulders and chest. I can’t remember the last time I felt this way. I am completely flustered. I break eye contact to fumble through my wallet for an extra couple dollars to throw in the tip jar. Fuck! I need to work on my spontaneous conversation skills. I wasn’t expecting to experience culture shock quite to this extent, but I guess even just one state away is a whole other place, isn’t it? 

“Where are you from?” asks the guy. A straightforward question that I am perfectly capable of answering… hopefully. 

“I moved here from New Yor–” I manage to croak out, stumbling over that last syllable. I clear my throat. “York. I moved here from New York.” 

“New York City?” 

“The very one.” 

“Why would you leave New York to come to Loveland of all places?” he asks. “Most people are doing everything in their power to make it out of here.” 

“Oh, you know, sometimes the place a person needs is the last place you’d expect,” I reply. Looking back at the cashier, they have an incredulous look on their face like I’m speaking crazy talk. 

“Whatever you say, lady.” They hand me my coffee, my transaction finally complete. I lift the cup in salute and give a tight mouthed smile to the hot guy at the bar. He lifts his cup in return, a good humored smile plastered on his face. 

As I leave the coffee shop and settle into the driver’s seat of my car, I’m suddenly hit with the realization that I answered that hot guy’s question with the kind of trite bullshit normally reserved for Pinterest quotes. 

“Sometimes the place a person needs is the last place you’d expect,” I repeat back to myself. “What the FUCK does that mean, you dumbass weirdo bitch?” The heat I felt across my chest has definitely spread across my face. Luckily, there’s no cute coffee guy to see my embarrassment as I drive back home. 

_____________________________________________________________

Once I’m back home with my coffee and cinnamon roll, I park it back outside on the iron patio set and enjoy my breakfast. With a little food and caffeine in my system, I realize I may have been overreacting to the little interaction at the coffee shop. It probably wasn’t as bad as it was in my head. I was just hungry and fatigued from moving. No big deal. 

I hear the doorbell and go to let the internet installation technician inside. I’m impressed that he showed up so early in the estimated service window. It wasn’t uncommon for me to wait all day for a tech in New York only for no one to show up when they said they would. The next day or so, I’d often get a call while out and about. 

“Hi ma’am it’s George from Concast. I’m here to install your internet. Can you let me in?” 

“Let you in? You were supposed to come yesterday. I didn’t get any notification that you’d come today– I’m not here.” 

“Well, I need to be let in to install your internet…”

“But I’m not there. We’ll just have to reschedule.” 

“Next availability is in two weeks.” 

“GODDAMMIT. Wait right there– I’ll be back as soon as possible!” 

But none of that rigamarole is happening now. At this moment, I am reading a book on my back patio with an iced coffee and a cinnamon bun while Lyle sets up my fiber internet at the exact time he was scheduled to do it. Life is good. 

Okay, I may be looking at everything with rose colored glasses, but I’ll allow myself to bask in my new home serenity for a little while longer. What can it hurt to take the time to enjoy the fact that things are going smoothly? Back in the city, it felt like I was constantly having to strive for things to work. They rarely did and any hint of them possibly doing so was dashed with such expedience I never allowed myself the luxury of thinking that I possibly deserved for things to be easier. 

There was no way for me to get to that point when stuck in constant survival mode. The city is a beast, constantly growing. So even if you get to a point where you’re realizing some sort of comfort, the beast will continue to expand and shift until your complacency gets you displaced. It’s exhausting! I guess the hustle gives you something to live for– that’s why you see so many 80-year old women wandering around the streets of Manhattan. But they’re a hard eighty. And you can’t help but think they’re not there because they want to bust their asses just to make it through a day, but because they simply don’t even know there are other ways to live. Humans are creatures of habit. We find comfort in conformity. We create these confines and then tell ourselves because we made them, we must also work within them. 

It’s logical: as animals, we are bound by evolutionary instinct to find and keep a lifestyle that enables us to be productive– namely, reproductive– so that drives us to make choices that are safe and keep us connected. But I don’t think it’s extreme to say we as humans can and should continue to evolve past base evolutionary drive. It’s not imperative for all of us to be constantly productive. We have machines and programs that help us do a lot of the heavy lifting so that we may spend more time enjoying the world we’ve been gifted. And just as these advancements further separate us from any quote/unquote “natural way” of existence, we should consider the possibility that breaking free from our patterns and choosing not to conform to the established expectations may serve us positively. 

Of course, it’s that “new is better” mindset that led Mark to breaking up with me. He saw moving in together as conforming to the established expectations of those around us and he couldn’t do it. So perhaps I’m a hypocrite waxing poetic on the evils of conformity. No ideology would’ve stopped me from moving in with him. I was dead set on doing the expected. 

Except, I didn’t see it as settling. I saw it as an exciting new experience that just happened to promise a bit of security alongside the novel. There is adventure to be found alongside someone you can rely on. I guess at the end of the day, we broke up over a difference of perspective. If you’re going to build a life with someone, you should both see your future from the same vantage point. 

_____________________________________________________________

With the internet working and full stomach, I’m ready to continue unpacking. It’s not so much the unboxing that’s taking up my time. But with every essential item I unwrap, I’m reminded of something I’ll need to buy in the process of turning this house into a home. It feels a little consumerist, but I fully intend to take my time in accumulating these items and purchase with quality in mind, so I don’t sweat it.

Well, I don’t sweat the prospective shopping. Unpacking boxes does work up quite the literal sweat, however. It’s almost 6 pm and I am in desperate need of an end-of-the-day shower. Before I hop in, I pull up a food app and find the best rated Thai restaurant in my delivery area. I put in an order for pad thai and spring rolls and receive an hour delivery estimate– plenty of time to get clean before dinner, so I hop in the shower. 

I’m right in the middle of rinsing the conditioner from my hair when I hear the doorbell. An hour was either an incredibly inaccurate delivery estimate or it took me much, much longer to wash my hair than it normally does. 

“WAIT!” I holler towards the door as I wrap myself in my favorite extra large, super fluffy bath towel. “I’M COMING! I’M COMING!” I scurry as fast as I can to the door, probably looking like a drowned rat. 

“I’m so sor–” I halt as soon as I see who’s on the other side of the door. It isn’t my Thai food at all. It’s the guy from the coffee shop– the hot one who rescued me from my social awkwardness. He has that charming smile on his face, but it fades a bit as he gets a good look at me. In a breath of realization, his eyes go up to the sky as a pink blush spreads across his face. It’s kind of adorable, to be honest. 

“I am so sorry,” he says. “I’m your… we’re neigh– I live a couple doors down,” he fumbles through. “I wanted to come over and welcome you to the neighborhood.” 

“We– we met earlier, right? At the coffee shop?” I find myself once again in a situation I haven’t experienced in quite some time. Fourteen years in New York and not once did I have a neighbor come to my door to introduce themselves. I’m not even certain if I’m expected to invite him in. I certainly don’t know how to proceed when I’ve opened the door but a single layer of terrycloth between my nude body and the– admittedly gorgeous– welcome wagon. Thankfully, the wagon in question seems steady on the trail. 

“Yes! Yeah, that was me. Hey– I can, you know, wait here a second if you want to…” he makes a vague gesture towards the towel. 

“Oh! That would be great, yes. But you don’t have to wait outside. Please, come on in.”

He gives me a wary look. “Are you sure? I don’t mind…” 

“Yeah, I guess it’s not exactly best practice to let some guy I just met into my home while I’m changing, huh? I’m sorry, I just don’t want to be rude.” 

“You’re not, I promise. Go ahead, I can wait here. I’m patient.” 

Now I’m the one who’s blushing. Blushing a nude in front of a strange man. Mother would be so proud. I give him a sheepish smile as I close the door then scurry back to my room to throw on the nearest clothes I can get my hands on. I make a pit stop to take a peek in the bathroom mirror, rub the smudged mascara from under my eyes, and run my fingers through my hair. It’s not much, I think looking at my sorry state, but it’s what I got. 

I head back to the front door and take a moment to compose myself to come off with a false air of nonchalance. Fake it til you make it, right? 

I open the door and see him leaning against the wall and looking through his phone casually. I notice for the first time he’s holding a bottle of wine in the other hand. He looks up and catches my eye. A smirk sprawls across his face. 

“Woah– that was quick!” he says. 

“Yeah, well, I don’t have a lot of things unpacked here at the moment, so I don’t have much to sift through. Cuts down on the decision fatigue when choosing what to wear, for sure.” 

His smile brightens and it puts my entire body on high alert. I may not be nearly naked anymore, but looking at this guy makes me feel so exposed, like he’s seeing things about me that I’m not even aware of. I’m a grown ass woman, but this guy has me feeling bashful for the first time in years. 

“Come on in,” I move aside and open the door completely to let him inside the house. “I think you’ve proven you’re trustworthy enough.” 

“Cool, yeah.. I mean, thanks.. Yeah.” His stammering is endearing. There’s something comforting in the shared awkwardness as if the meeting of two awkward nerds cancels us out into being normal. “I’m Jeremiah,” he introduces himself and holds his hand out to shake. 

“Molly,” I grasp his hand in return. “It’s nice to officially meet you.” 

“Yeha! I hope you don’t find this creepy, but earlier I noticed the internet guy in your driveway and realized someone had finally moved into this place. The for sale sign was taken down about a week ago and I was wondering when you’d show up. Then when you said you just moved here at the coffee shop earlier, I thought maybe the new owner could be you.”

“And it is!” I interrupt. “I mean, I am. That is to say… It's kismet.” Jesus Christ. Is that something people say? Can I even define “kismet?”  Am I just embarrassing myself here? 

“Exactly!” His smile breaks my shame spiral. “It’s always worth noting when we get to witness the stars aligning in real time.” He holds the bottle of wine up to eye level for me. “I brought you a housewarming gift. It’s nothing special– I wasn’t even certain if bringing wine to a stranger is appropriate. But it’s a pretty dry red. I thought if you don’t drink, you can use it for cooking.” 

“I do! I mean, I do drink. Thank you, you’re very kind and I feel quite welcome.” I take the bottle and scan the label. It’s a Chianti I’ve never tried before. “This looks beautiful. Would you like to have a glass with me?” 

“Um… sure! That sounds nice. Do you have glasses?” 

“I don’t have stemware, but I have a couple cups that will do. Plus,” I pause to rummage in the drawer where I stashed my well loved wine key the night before, “I have this!” I grab the water glasses I have from the cupboard and start working the corkscrew into the top of the bottle. 

“Please, allow me.” Jeremiah takes the wine and key from me and effortlessly drills deep into the cork, angling the bottle away from him. He looks me directly in the eye as he pushes the lever away from him and removes the cork with an muffled POP.

What in the actual fuck? How was that so… hot? 

He grabs the glasses and distributes even, modest pours in each of them before handing me one. “Cheers,” he says, lifting his own glass, “to your new home.” 

“And new neighbors,” I clink my cup against his, immediately questioning whether that was smooth or just pathetically thirsty. Either way, I take a sip. I notice his eyes darting around, taking in the details of the house. 

“This place is almost the exact same layout as my place, just reversed.” 

“Really?” I ask. “Is that unusual?” 

“Not really, no. These subdivisions are financed and built before they’re ever sold. Developers will have a handful of blueprints and rotate between them while building. I guess keeping everything as uniform as possible allows them to churn out houses quickly and reduces the risk of error. You build the same house over and over again, you can probably throw them up in your sleep.” 

“Or they get so overconfident and cocky, they begin to slack off and make mistakes.” 

“Oof. You’re telling me. Complacency can definitely lead to miscalculations.” He takes another sip before continuing. “Happens in my work all the time.” 

“Oh yeah? What do you do?”

He winces. “It’s kind of hard to explain– not that it’s beyond your understanding,” he reassures me and my heart melts ever so slightly. “But, basically, I track and predict rainfall.” 

“You’re a meteorologist?” 

“No. I don’t really know much about weather in general. It’s more like I use statistics to estimate which places will experience flood or drought in the near future. I then use those estimates to inform the purchase and sale of certain commodities.” 

“Commodities. Like food?” 

“Food is a big part of it, yes. But also a lot of precious metals and whatnot. And oil. There’s always oil.” 

“So you’re a gambler,” I tease. He grins in response. 

“An informed gambler, yes. But, you know– no risk, no reward.” 

“Well it does sound pretty interesting. More so than what I do.” 

“Which is?” 

“I am an editor for a publishing company that specializes in highly stylized cookbooks. A lot of Housewives for housewives kind of content. I basically make sure that what the authors– or, at least, their ghostwriters– put in their drafts all make sense. You wouldn’t believe how many times I’ve caught cups– multiple cups– of salt from being added to a dessert recipe.” 

“That sounds interesting to me,” he says, being polite. I appreciate it nonetheless. “So does that mean you know how to cook a lot of different things?” 

I guffaw. “In theory, at least. I’m not a talented chef by any means, but I can make a meal.” I realize that at every chance I get, I’m diminishing myself in this conversation. When did I fall into that little habit? But before I can think much more about it, my doorbell rings. “Speaking of meals, that would be the takeout I thought you were.” I answer the door and thank the delivery person after they hand me my order. When I come back, I see Jeremiah rinsing out his now empty glass of wine before gently placing it in the sink. 

“Well this seems like the perfect opening for me to make a graceful exit. I’ll leave you to enjoy your dinner.” He gives me a genuine smile and reaches out to shake my hand goodbye. “It was really great meeting you. I’m excited to have someone cool in the neighborhood. And if you need anything, anything,” he gives my hand a squeeze on the emphasis and while making some very effective eye contact, “don’t hesitate to ask.” 

Damn. My new neighbor is hot.

[selfshipgushing]

I sometimes feel embarrassed that one of my F/Os is Jack Box due to the fact he's a fast food mascot, for Jack in the Box, and also because he canonically has a wife.

although, I keep myself happy by knowing we're in a great polyamorous relationship!

I'm just bummed out that there isn't any Jack in the Box restaurants where I live.

-⛓️🔥

I've never had jack in the box