#i know there arent many people here
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I'd Say Lost & You'd Say Love
AO3
Written for Wriothesley/Clorinde's ship week. Canon compliant (in the least until Clorinde's release lol). Complete at 7 chapters (in the least until I write the other canon one-shots I want to add to it). Rated E specifically for two NSFW chapters.
![Tumblr media](https://64.media.tumblr.com/1b79ba9745c4dfa669b00474c104add3/861b38d547e2dedf-a9/s540x810/dc8ea88cfba2dfba53443231e45ec1e0f665cbd0.jpg)
The calendar on his desk was right behind the box of tea, and he was forcibly reminded of what day it was. That still didn’t seem right, though. Clorinde didn’t know. He never told her. He actually didn’t think she ever even asked.
Still, that was the only thing it could be, right?
He arched an eyebrow at her. “What are you playing at, Clorinde?”
“Is thinking of a friend suspicious to you?”
“No, of course not.” Wriothesley held up the box of tea. “Importing tea all the way from Inazuma feels like a little more than just thinking of a friend, though.”
Clorinde didn’t even blink when he called her out on her lie. In fact, she didn’t even respond. She just stood up and walked over to the couch on the other side of his office.
“Am I wrong?” He tried again, watching her sit down on the cushions.
“Mm, yes, I think so.”
#wriorinde#Clorinde#Wriothesley#genshin impact#i know there arent many people here#but idk i thought maybe they might make someone smile#cause on twitter save for the handful of active writers and artists the tag is always full of hate#i know it doesnt matter ive been in fandoms for almost 20 years and it is literally rinse wash repeat every time#it still makes me sad even if i just expect it#i just want to ship my two hot bisexuals (who each have two hands!) with their battle couple chemisty and banter pls and thanks ;-;#regardless they make me smile so ill be here writing more fics so i dont drive everyone crazy talking about why i love them lol
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Ik it's a bit early but I can't believe it's been almost one year since this post
Btw yeah its real
#with the tiktok ban coming up i am a little worried that they will come here and be uhh#ya know... them#there were a bunch of people on tiktok saying 'oh my god i can ship megastar now?'#guys... you always can#idk that just made me so sad#that you arent allowed to ship toxic stuff unless its 'canon' like billford#come on hasboro you should do this again#people got mad last time imagine how many more would go wild#i would give my SOUL#transformers#official content#starscream#megatron#transformers g1#megastar#megascream#megatron x starscream#i was gonna post this for the actual anniversary but man those tiktok comments made me feeling#maccadams#sometimes i wonder how many megop and megastar people work at hasboro#ik theyre there but like... how many#i post on the transformers tag while having it blocked on tiktok im a hypocrite
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Happy Birthday to Ferdinand von Aegir!
I actually made 33 emotes, affectionately known as Aegirglyphics to some, for my own personal use on discord. However, I figure why not share some of them! They're free to use for discord servers/icons/pfps or whatever. However, my only request is Do NOT use them as subscriber emotes on Twitch. You can make them free follower emotes but you are not to make them locked behind a paywall.
#fe three houses#ferdinand von aegir#discord emotes#i thought long and hard about this bc idk the actual want for emotes i made ages ago but#i still love my son and its his bday ad so i should be nice and share#since i no longer have nitro and can no longer use them myself#the fact i can technically post 30 at once was tempting but#some of them arent living up to my standards and also just might not be easy to use in most contexts#so those im gonna skip on lol#whoever wants 21 aegirglyphics tho have at em#i think i might have posted some before? but only 10 and i dont recall which ones#if you want a secret the last three and the middle on the second row are my favorites to use#i used concernednand (the upper one) so much#the internet concerns me guys it was a valid use every time#debated sharing heartnand but honestly the world could benefit from it imo because gotta spread that love#fun lil trivia i love making emotes and so when i was in a server and people knew me as the ferdinand fan and artist#someone was like why hasnt salmon made a ferdinand emote yet#and im like bc i dont run the server and i cant just demand they add my art#and then a mod was like i didnt wanna put pressure on salmon but i thought about it so i was like bet#and then drew a server exclusive happy ferdinand emote#and that was the start of me somehow being able to have like.... ten emotes in that server#some of them were just me joking and then mods encouraging me#cause i used to use felix for every single art prompt theyd give and one week someone said the prompt was pog#and i just was so upset because dude why would i wanna draw felix for that hes not pog#so a mod was like hey if you make a pog felix emote we ill add it to the emotes here#so i once again was like bet and then posted it and then they really added it lmao#anyway sorry for so many rambles please feel free to use them on discord in whatever server#i cant really expect everyone to credit me but also im not really concerned since i fear people know my nands a mile away
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random omegaverse thought:
There must be people who experience specific instinct things with indifference or boredom.
Procreative cycle coming up? "Crap, I've got plans this weekend...stupid skip weeks."
Caught an intriguing scent while walking? "But I need to get to work! Shut up brain."
Had a snap response to a distressed sound? "Who was it?! ...right, it's my day off, I can go back to sleep."
Somebody growled at them? "Kid, I'm not a rival, that's my sibling."
Super cozy cuddle session happening nearby? "I'm gonna pass tonight guys, no social battery left, maybe next time."
Group of friends heading out to flirt and check out other singles? "I'm coming with you but only to make sure you all get home safe."
Setting where fated mates or soul bonds or permanent marks are a thing? "Meh. I don't really want one or care if I ever get one."
People in the actual omegaverse would get as bored of their stuff, as we do of ours, you know? It could be interesting to see that kind of vibe in fics. Biological demands faced with all the excitement of paying bills or doing laundry or tying your shoes.
Even if that kind of energy might not drive a plot, it could be interesting to have as a contrast to the people who do have big feelings about them - good or bad.
There's the friends who can't wait til they have a pack of their own, and the one friend who isn't against it but couldn't care less. There's the group in the office who are all about scent compatibility tests and figuring out one's best match and what sprays most highlight it, and the coworker who has no intentions on putting that much effort in. There are parents who hover and protect their offspring by scenting them multiple times a day, and others who don't see what the fuss is as long as it's done in the morning.
...also: packs with introverts who show care by giving each other space. So often, closeness is depicted through physical touch and tactile affection, but comfortable silence is meaningful too. Knowing people are near, but not having to interact until you're ready. Sitting in the same room doing different things, knowing that all it takes is a "hey, look at this" to share what you're up to. People understanding and accepting each other's differing or fluctuating needs for how and when to recharge. Seeing somebody reaching out or sharing space, beyond what's their norm, as a signal of the fact that they care.
#omegaverse worldbuilding#a/b/o worldbuilding#a/b/o dynamics#kinda#not gonna tag sfw though it mostly is#heat/rut mention#twovvie chatters#hi its me im introverts#a version of me in omegaverse would love to live in a pack house#as long as i could have a space to myself#people nearby? good! people around all the time? uhhhh#even my family knows that after so many hours of fun family party#i'm gonna disappear to whatever room has the fewest people in it#or find a random corner and start reading#“oh! i didnt know you were here” yes that was the plan#also i just find the idea of someone#who couldnt care less about pairing up#to be funniest in a setting where that's a big deal#“too bad you havent found a mate yet” “no i already know who it is”#“congrats! when do we meet them?” “oh i didnt mean that i'm going to date them. i just know who it is.”#“but i thought you were single?” “yup.” “don't you want a mate?” “nah too annoying.”#cycle day? nice i get a free day off work#cycle day? ugh not this again#the duality of man (a/b/o edition)#granted i hc heats/ruts as heightened libido and greater fertility#because i dislike elements of heats/ruts that (imo) mess with people's ability to freely consent#if the only non-sexual options are pain or solitude and the species needs compaionship as much or more as regular humans#then not being able to or being unwilling to is like a punishment for those people#sure stress or other needs can short circuit it (irl) but theres plenty of reasons to not be interested that arent “you have a problem”#surely i'm not the only person who reacts to various body requests with “later i'm busy” right?
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People love finding random natives online and dumping their family story on them expecting a reassuring 'of course you're native!!' Lol
Sorry, if you don't wanna reconnect why would you even mention your supposed apache or whatever ancestry. If you aren't connecting to the tribe what does it even matter. 'I find it interesting' so you're using supposed native ancestry as a fun fact to make you look more interesting? How is that different than any other 'great grandma cherokee princess' person. Especially since you apparently have time to research the history of all your ancestral cultures but you don't have time to do genealogy
And of course when I tell them 'assume the stories are fake until you've got actual proof' they block me.
#sigh. just the usual#like i watched this person see my popular cherokee video posts. they liked then#them. then immediately i guess went looking on my blog for somewhere to put their family story in the replies#ended up being my post on why dna tests arent relevant in native genealogy#and they were like 'yea i have 2 native family stories and whenever i mention them to someone they say join a tribe! like no?? im not#im not of any particular group im just an american mutt'#ok then dont claim it? why claim any ancestry if youre going to just say 'lol but not Actually'#and they did Not like hearing that#'well i find it interesting' ok? these are living people youre claiming a connection to. claiming native ancestry isnt the same as going#'oh im 2% swiss haha thats fun' youre claiming to be a part of one of many cultures who are constantly stolen from and misused#idk. shits so annoying#'its too far back and im just a mutt' ok what does that make me then? a white native with Low blood quantum? is mine too far back too? like.#its funny how many people ill hear say 'well its too far back id only be like 1/16 lol so i shouldnt bother with it'#if you wanna know whether youd Count just ask who can reconnect. you dont need to self depreciate and try to get the random person youre#talking to to reassure you#anywayyyyy idk#its funny reconnecting and finding out all these things that are just par for the course to any other native#like 'yup. those guys' and im over here fuming hahaha#ill learn to just not engage eventually but right now i still have hope i can actually help some people who are here to genuinely learn#and at least im getting these people instead of them going to connected folks who have to deal with this shit way more than me#like ugam said at one point. its my job to play interference lol and i dont mind it#i just wish id get some people that will actually be reasonable instead of arguing and blocking me
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thinkin about how important it is for submissives to take control of their own submission and understand their own agency in kink and to communicate for themselves
#sometimes…sometimes the little ‘uwu I can’t talk about what I want ! don’t make me say anything durinh sex i wont be able to! im so shyy!’#really starts to concern me#cause its like…you guys arent using this as a crutch to deny responsibility for your own sexuality and submission right???? right????#like you have to be able to confront the fact that you want sex and are an active participant in a scene#sex isnt something thats supposed to *happen* to you its something you’re supposed to *do*#and im sure its just the internet echo chamber throwing things around at me !#cause i think most people know this but i just see sooooo many fucking posts#‘uwu if you try to talk to me during sex i wont be able to!’ ‘uwu i cant tell anyone what i want in sexxx youll just have to drag it oit of#me im so embarrassed!’#like guys…we’re not damsels in distress here and youre supposed to be an active participant in your own sex life#being a safe participant in kink means bein able to recognize your agency in sex and communicating your desires your comforts your boundari#s and more !#anyways#its genuinely not a big deal i just let myself get wound up by internet posts#which im trying to make happen less because theres no reason for rhat to be happening to me constantly 🫶🏻#unimportant thoughts
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thinking a little recently about trivia based fandom vs transformative based fandom, and how cleanly these can be divided into reddit and tumblr fandoms respectively a lot of the time, and how foreign only doing the first is to me from an artist perspective
#idk. ik that looking up facts and knowing all the things about your favourite media can be fun#but so many people on reddit and similar places- those type of straight nerdy men#(and they are usually men. i say this as a man myself lol)#they do ONLY that. its the only valid form of nerdom for them because its all strictly canon#its being right. its something you can be right at.#but idk man. whats the point in knowing the designation of every single ship in sw#if you dont understand the themes of what ur watching#whats the point in knowing all the hollow knight lore-#if you dont understand how it highlights the games themes of ruin and memory and legacy#whats the point in knowing it all if you dont understand a lick of it#i keep thinking thay maybe this is the case because themes and literary analysis is much more subjective#its harder to be objectively right here. esp once u start transforming. expanding on canon#its insane to me thay so many of them see that as a lesser form of fandom#like im sorry but im out here digging into the well of this character in a way thatd make u vomit#because u cant imagine ur macho man having a hint of vulnerability.#idk i cant imagine being so fundamentally incurious about what the art you love is trying to say.#i cant imagine not wondering what the characters are feeling in a situation. wondering how an event might affect them etc#like sure my fics arent canon but theyre interesting conversations with it.#because we're trying to say something. idk i had to leave the hk subreddit bc this attitude in particular was bugging me#i remember someone was doing speculative thinking/charcter analysis about bretta and one comment was somethig like#'all this for a cartoon bug' KING UR O THE CARTOON BUG SUBREDDIT HELLO??#luke rambles
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okay i need this for reference, can anyone actually name any gags in saiki k that dont have a confirmed canon explanation at least for the bit? because from my understanding, every single joke in saiki k is canon and they usually have elaborate explanations for the impossible typical gag manga shit like when things are weird in one episode but are normal in the next 😭 so im having a hard time understanding why people use the excuse "it was just a gag" to explain why something in saiki k isnt canon when like... every gag in saiki k is canon. right?? someone please correct me if you can because i need to know
#*SLAPSTICK DOES NOT COUNT.#this is a genuine question pleaseeee tell me if im wrong i need to know#if you need an example of what in talking about heres just one of many#when people insist that kusukes frelings towaards kusuo arent canon because its just a gag or a parody#as if every single character doesnt have those gags and isnt a parody#like if you think kusukes brocon-isms arent canon because its a parody then teruhashi isnt a beautiful girl and kaido isnt a chuuni. right??#also kind of another example but where people often use the first parts of hairos 'is he gay' chapter as proof hes gay#except this is one of the ones where theres a canon explanation for the entire bit at the very end#that in fact confirms he ISNT gay (or at least doesnt identify that way right now because hes questioning)#so id say its like the reverse of this#anyway yea can anyone give me a single example of a bit that cannot be canon or contradicts canon and isnt/cant be explained by canon#saiki k#tdlosk#the disastrous life of saiki k.#meows post
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if the only footage youve seen of the game doesnt actually give you a good idea of what the game/story is like (like its from a parody video or is otherwise heavily edited for example) then it doesnt count as having watched the game and you should pick little to no actual exposure to the game. only interacting with the games content through fanart/fanfic/etc also counts as little to no actual exposure to the game
#okay heres another one.#now that im thinking about it i probably should have put a button for people who arent sonic fans to push#so they dont mess up the results. but again. no room. i used up all the space there was to have as many options as possible#so hopefully people who dont care about sonic will just scroll past this#sonic the hedgehog#sth#sonic forces#sonic polls#anyway ive played sonic forces in its entirety like 3 or 4 times at least . because theres something deeply wrong with me .#(to be clear i havent touched the game in a while. im not regularly playing sonic forces)#as for my opinion on it . there are aspects of it that i like and i admittedly have some nostalgia for the game#but i can also admit that its not very good and there are a lot of things about it that i dont like or wish were done differently#im just not a big fan of the 2010s era of sonic in general if im being honest#feels like not as much care and love was being put into the games as before i dont know how to explain it
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⚡️aren't a lot of the traits you hate inkfish for also traits that humanity once had? why do you hate one for those traits, but revere the other despite them?
Its left lens creaks as it hovers slightly more northwards. Its right lens clumsily follows suit until it's pointed towards the ceiling. Then, both of them swerve in a downwards circle until they reach the bottom of the bells, swinging aimlessly for a few seconds before eventually correcting themselves. Rolled eyes. He just rolled his eyes at you. How much effort did that take?
"You are attempting to accuse me of hypocrisy. This is near-sighted and predictable of you. My professor created me and gave me a specific purpose: to pass down humanity's knowledge onto the next race and ensure that they did not repeat humanity's mistakes. Inklings are a privileged species that, in many ways, border on being a caricature of the humans who walked the earth beforehand. Mostly the Americans, if I had to call out a specific nationality. They are hedonistic by nature, they contribute very little to the whole of society, they always prioritize play over work as even their forms of 'work' are still a manner of play, they have next to no survival instincts, they rarely pursue their studies at school and instead prefer to engage in heaps of extracurricular activities, they discriminate against the Octarians over trivial differences and a petty war, they have a sport centered around said war, the NSS recruits juveniles that they can feed their anti-Octarian propaganda to, they care more about the next fashion catalog rather than attempting to improve the environment, they treat Salmonids like literal animals due only to a language barrier and cultural differences-- I could go on. I really could."
Criticisms of the Inklings took an overwhelming priority; it almost forgot to address Octolings entirely.
"Octolings are a bit too heavily militaristic, and they enlist prepubescent children in military training. Their society is extremely stifling on its youths and many of the soldiers I have seen are emotionally constipated or otherwise stunted in some form. You can tell they are utterly miserable, because all it takes is a song from some Inkling pop idols to make thousands of them defect from the army. Apparently. But they have excellent technological growth, and their species is generally more intelligent and disciplined than Inklings. Both species have glaring flaws that make them highly susceptible to repeating humanity's mistakes, which I do not want, but Octolings are more reliable and have greater potential, therefore I use an excess of them for my operations."
Some of its loose wires droop wearily as its linguistic programs simmer down from the prolonged period of impassioned ranting.
"I admire humans and what they achieved. Yes. But I am not oblivious to their flaws. I was specifically created to prevent their flaws and mistakes from being repeated. Inklings might as well be an overblown representation of what made humans so foolish and reckless. I absolutely detest Inklings. Octarians are creatures I pity. Their species is also decidedly beyond saving for as long as Inklings are in the picture and continue to influence them. Since neither species seems worthy of humanity's knowledge, I am taking it upon myself to start the landscape anew with humanity's second-coming." it concluded.
#💉 the messenger (denewiah tartarus)#(when i started writing my tartar based on the original japanese ver of tartar it like blew my mind)#(because in the japanese translation his criticisms are more specific and notably target inklings)#(and the more i looked into splatoon lore the more i realized that inklings. suck?)#(like inklings are kinda fucking horrible when u stop and think about it seriously? so that alternate viewpoint fascinated me.)#(because unfortunately i do think tartar makes some points worth considering in canon and i think that makes it even more compelling)#(so here the critique of inklings mostly borrows from canon facts. octarian stuff here is a mix of headcanon and canon.)#(obviously killing and experimenting on thousands of people is fucked up and wrong but his actual opinions arent even that unreasonable)#(noa translation kinda sucks and many people interpret tartar as a hypocrite based on what he says in that version. i never liked that.)#commander tartar#splatoon rp#splatoon au#octo expansion#(you know what im main tagging cuz i am sick of people writing tartar off as a baseless hypocrite)#(DO PPL FORGET THE FACT THAT IT STUDIED INKFISH GROWTH AND BEHAVIORS FOR FUCKING THOUSANDS OF YEARS.)#(IT ISNT HOLDING A SENSELESS PREJUDICE. IT HAS ACTUAL REASONS. GET IT RIGHT!!!!)
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i just rewatched the rapture ohhhhh my god. such a good episode the jimmy stuff is actually fucking horrifying somehow even worse remembering claire grows up to be a hunter. then dean and bobby at the end locking sam in the panic room oh i hope they suffer. forever. he shouldve never spoken to their asses again
#im watching with my mom and she is having none of it. she was like BUT SAM SAVED THE DAY??? MORE PEOPLE WOULDVE DIED OTHERWISE#and as soon as sam and dean started talking in the car she was like Why is dean always so mean to him???#so true girl… you would do numbers on here#literally what good did it even serve. he gets OUT. they dont know he’s addicted they dont know anything it’s literally just because dean#sees sam drink blood and he freaks out and somehow thinks he has the right to fucking trick him and lock him up god im so mad….#can u imagine. i just dont think their relationship ever got over that. imagine knowing someone would do that to you#dean in s2 is all Omg i can’t kill sam :((( but he still accepts the idea that it’s his choice whether to do so. that all decisions about#sam are dean’s to make. dean can kill him if he wants. dean gets to lock him up if he misbehaves. it is harrowing!!!#the panic room is literally a punishment like there is NO reason why detoxing needed to be that hard#dean could’ve been with him talking to him it could’ve been something they approached together there are so many ways#he could’ve gone about it which still would’ve been fucked but would’ve been so much less worse#i literally cannot comprehend how you watch this show and come away thinking sam and dean are on equal footing#they hardly are from the start and they certainly arent after season 4.#after that stunt sam could kill dean and i’d support him#spn#oliver talks#sam winchester#sam & dean#spn s4
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arc 8 ottosuba and mutually assured destruction (devotion)
basically i wanna talk about this again but more Specifically bc they are gonna fuck each other over so fucking bad. like this is the most disastrous combo of all time. you got natsuki subaru who has rbd AND a suicide pill in his fucking mouth that he can use at any time AND he will die as many times as it takes to save Anyone he cares about. and then you pair him with otto suwen, aka a devoted little freak whos willing to let entire countries and millions of people, including people subaru cares about, die to save subaru. and otto has died for subaru twice now and will gladly do so again on top of that. they are the absolute worst combo of all time bc natsuki "ill save you no matter how many times i die" subaru and otto "i would let anyone and anything die to save you" suwen are inevitably going to come into conflict. otto wont let subaru die at any cost but subaru having rbd means that hes gonna win no matter what. hes gonna get what he wants. hes gonna die and theres nothing otto can do to stop it. and even if otto does stop subaru, its a lose lose bc either subaru dies and uses the info he got to beat otto next time, or subaru and otto end up having more fights with each other anyway, or otto does end up stopping subaru in some way (example: otto wanting louis to die) and subaru gets pissed at him over it, or all the otto permadeath flags end up being real and otto dies permanently and subarus gonna be destroyed and i bet ottos still gonna be like "i told you we shouldve left vollachia when we had the chance" on his literal deathbed bc him permadying proves his literal point this whole arc. and subaru can save otto all he wants but if otto ever figures out this hurts subaru in any way ottos never going to get over it. hes gonna be upset and pissed forever. there is no winning with these two. their devotion is violent and theyve literally found their match in each other. bc their devotion strips the other person of their own free will and choice in the manner bc they keep saying "no. i have to save you no matter what, even if you get upset at what im doing and even if i do all of this behind your back without ever telling you." and if they keep being stubborn theyre just gonna end up dragging each other down - which is the exact opposite of their goals to save each other. they are likely going to kill each other by the end of this, metaphorically or not. and its going to be because of love. do you understand. how do you save someone who wants to save you first. how do you save someone whos devoted themselves to you, body and soul, in the most violent way possible.
also if otto manages to read the tome once its restored... he's gonna figure out rbd.
#rezero#otto suwen#natsuki subaru#arc 8 spoilers#yes i KNOW another ottosuba post but i need u to know this ok. their devotion is so so bad its like theyre looking in a mirror. they found#another person thats just as insane as they are about this. not that the other people subarus close with Arent capable of being like this#but ottos like. the person thats Readily going out of his way to be insane about it. does that make sense. this is what roswaal was telling#otto about. opposing emisuba is a toxin. its gonna kill him. we're already seeing the beginnings of this bc we Know ottos a hypocritical#ass who wants to sacrifice anything for subarus sake but of course subarus not allowed to do the same for him. except subaru wouldnt like#otto doing this and then subaru sacrifices himself for otto bc subaru would do that for all of his loved ones. its a CYCLE its a LOOP...#i have many thoughts on what would happen if only otto specifically figured out rbd but i suppose i could leave that for another post.#bc its one thing if otto finds out abt rbd with a group of people. its another thing if only HE finds out bc then hes gonna handle it#differently. make whole plans. etc etc.#also YES otto of course wants and Will comfort subaru whenever he can but theres no denying he will be upset and pissed about rbd. not just#bc subarus reckless but also bc its Unfair to subaru to have such a horrifying power. but also otto knows that power is why subarus still#here. its complicated.
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Being queer and neurodivergent is great and all until you're with relatives and you watch other people and feel like an outcast in your own family
#extra fun that i cant exactly tell my therapist that being queer is one of the reasons i feel this way#because peoples opinions on queer people here generally arent good#idk sometimes it feels like I dont belong anywhere and feel really alone even though i know im not#its just the way other people live and do things seems genuinely impossible for me. i dont get how they do it#sometimes wish i wasnt who i am ngl#can someone please tell me something nice. my self esteem is buried deep underground right now and i feel not great#sorry for bringing vent posts here on tumblr. i just genuinely dont have many people or places that I feel okay talking about this stuff#especially no one irl i feel okay telling all this to#and dm'ing people is also really difficult. i genuinely struggle to do it#vent post
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@antiv3nom there is a genre of asmr video that i started listening to as a joke except its turned out to be very very good at putting me to sleep and it is ONLY these types of asmr that can put me to sleep
i believe this guy was the progenitor
youtube
but the first one i ever saw was this one maybe as part of a joke
youtube
but i also like
youtube
youtube
beating you unconscious asmr. it works
#sorry for all the vids and putting it out here but i Need these videos to start knocking people out like they do me#i dont know why its just these ones. even ones labelled 'aggressive' arent enough like i Have to focus on this when its on do you understan#i literally cant do anything else when its on i cant concentrate. and then i pass out#vid#Youtube#sometimes im like teehee what if i put one on just for fun but its always a mistake because im out like a light and or utterly enraptured#for the next however many i play because again. unable to do anything else
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no one knows just how hard I work at things. how I have to work 1000000x more than the average person to compensate for being autistic and adhd and probably other things i'm working out with therapist, and having a sort of physical disability i've not received any help or treatment for. everyone assumes I don't try or give up too soon. they think I just started, need more practice. they think I expect everything handed to me immediately with no work or effort and don't acknowledge the multiple years i've put into things. they think I have no right to be upset about still failing to get where I want even after working my entire life to get there, while watching people around me surpass even my meager goals within a fraction of the time and work i've out into the same thing. constantly getting surpassed by everyone around me who seem to barely do any work to get there compared to me. it's all handed to them and falls into their lap so easily. all because they don't have the extra obstacles to overcome and work around that I do. while they go from point A to Z immediately with no major stops in between, I have to go through every single letter and then some, often getting sent back to the start. but it's always *my* fault, according to everyone. it's not the fault of those around me who ignore me, don't support me, don't help me, don't believe in me, etc. it's my fault they don't do those things. because doing the work of 10 people in one isn't enough, just because it's me. and not reaching Z as fast as everyone else means I don't deserve any of the support or help or anything else and means i'm not trying hard enough. it doesn't matter that I *need* to work harder than 100 "normal" people combined to get even half the result! Just because I can't reach what they do means i'm not trying hard enough! ugh.
#it's like they WANT me to give up!#they sure act like i'm not trying to give up/not trying if I mention how hard it is/how i'm upset I cant reach my goals after years of work#if someone tells me to just do the thing/stop giving up/try harder/practice more/it takes time/dont expect it to be handed to you/etc#ONE MORE TIME. im going to fucking lose it. in fact im losing it right now hence the rant im writing!!!!!!!#can someone for once tell me its ok to feel frustrated and they know how hard i work and try and deserve better or something idk#ugh i hate this life. sometimes i hate being neurodivergent because it stops me from doing all the things i want#and no one is willing to help because they blame me and say im not trying hard enough when EXISTING takes more work than they realize!#for fuck sake im losing my mind here. not having any support and not being able to support yourself because none of your needs get met#and you have to try to do life with higher support needs and are denied any support. its so fucking hard. idk what to do#lee rants#autistic#autism#actually autistic#adhd#neurodivergent#audhd#and probably other things that could be tagged but im exhasuted. writing this was hard and took so much energy to make words happen#words hard. how get across what want to say?????? dont know#but why is it always dismissive comments and no one offering any actual help or support that would benefit me in any way#but everyone else gets so many opportunities and support? i guess if you need extra support you arent worth anything#IM ALLOWED TO BE UPSET AND FEEL BAD. PEOPLE NEED TO STOP DISMISSING MY FEELINGS AND TRYING TO MAKE ME FEEL BAD ABOUT FEELING BAD.#WHAT DO YOU WANT AND EXPECT FROM ME FOR FUCK SAKE. HOW DOES ONE TRY HARDER THAN THEIR BEST!!!#HOW DOES ONE DO SOMETHING THEY PHYSICALLY CANT IF THEY ARENT ALLOWED THE HELP AND SUPPORT REQUIRED?!#HOW DO YOU EXPECT A BIRD TO FLY IF IT WAS BORN WITHOUT WINGS#ok im done
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Life just feels like everyone moves on without you and no. I don't like it at all.
#i have thoughts that arent coherent enough to throw into these tags#but it makes me sad and lonely like how can you just do that#its like watching people grow and change into people you hardly recognize#but theres a trend with it like they start to get extremely ✝️ in ways they never were and its like i dont feel like i know you anymore#and people just laser gaze to marriages and children and holy shit i cant relate#i am a mix of too many varying thoughts and feelings but it all boils down to i miss people#i miss my friends ans how we were and how life was and how you felt like you knew tour place in lofe for a brief moment in time with those#people#those typos are brutal#so we are going to end it here#for now
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