#i know the more you build up to understanding your symptoms and how they feel the more vulnerable you feel and the more scary it is

[dagasinfilo]

brain misbehaving today due to the problems

[moonstruckme]

hiii I'm just here resubmitting my request<3 so maybe r was in a fire (a small or large one, u decide), james was called and when he finds out it was her he gets sooo worried and she goes to the hospital or something? thank u!!

Thanks for requesting my love!

cw: fire, paramedics/ambulance, symptoms of smoke inhalation

firefighter!James x fem!reader ♡ 1.1k words

James starts to stand you up when the ambulance turns onto your block. 

“Jamie, don’t bother them.” You feel a cough building in your chest, but you repress it. “I’m f—fine.” It escapes on the last syllable, and you can barely look at your boyfriend as he raises his eyebrows at you, incredulous.

“Humor me,” he says simply. 

You let him pull you up this time, and he presses a kiss into your hair even though you smell like pollution. James has stripped out of his bulky jacket, but the heavy pants still hang from suspenders wrapped around his black t-shirt. The fabric swishes against your leg as you make your way over to the ambulance. 

“We need oxygen,” he says without prelude, though not unkindly, nodding at the paramedic that gets out first in greeting. 

As if to punctuate this, your throat pinches warningly, and you let out a couple of meager coughs. James’ arm contracts around your waist. 

The paramedic seems to trust his authority, nodding for her partner to get something ready in the back while she walks over to you. 

“Look here please,” she says. 

You obey, flinching slightly when she points a pen light in your eyes. James’ hand migrates up to your shoulder, rubbing lightly. 

“Any dizziness?” 

“No,” you say, coughing a bit. 

She clicks her light off. “Nausea or vomiting?” 

“No.” 

“Headache?” 

“No.” 

James cuts a look your way. “Sweetheart,” he says softly. 

“I did have a headache,” you amend, “but it went away.” 

“Chest pain?” 

“A little,” you admit. 

“Shortness of breath?” 

“I don’t…” You look to James, then feel stupid. It’s not like he knows. “I don’t think so?” 

“Coughing?” 

“Yes,” James says emphatically. 

The paramedic gives him a funny look, then asks you, “Yeah?” 

“Yeah,” you confirm. A little cough works its way out of your lungs as if to prove it. 

James looks a bit chastised. He rubs your back, touch both firm and comforting. 

She gives you both a smile. “Come sit back here, please.” 

You follow her into the back of the ambulance, perching awkwardly on the gurney in the middle.

“It seems like you have relatively mild symptoms of smoke inhalation,” she tells you. Her partner passes her a mask, and she holds it over your face for a few seconds before letting you do it yourself. Her fingers press to your wrist. “Your eyes are irritated, but it’s a good sign that your headache went away already. There’s probably not much more we can do other than give you oxygen. Your other symptoms should ease on their own.” 

You nod your understanding, relieved even if you’d been the one saying you didn’t need any help. With James, it’s typically best if only one of you shows your worry at a time. And he’s plenty worried enough for both of you right now. 

You glance over at him, standing outside with his arms crossed. It’s doing crazy things to his biceps, and you think that usually he’d grin if he caught you checking him out like this but now he looks like he might start tapping his foot impatiently. You feel guilty for getting him in such a tizzy. 

The paramedic finishes with your pulse and follows your gaze. “That your boyfriend?” she asks. 

Your breath fogs the mask. “Mhm.” 

“He seems fairly rattled,” she notes. “I supposed it’s probably not typical to get called to a fire at your girlfriend’s place, though.”

“Yeah,” you sigh. 

You’d already been sitting out on the lawn when James’ crew had arrived, the fire already put out and your front door left open. Smoke rolled out of it in one thick, relentless wave. You still have no idea how a fire that couldn’t have been burning more than fifteen minutes had created so much. You suppose James could tell you if you asked him later. 

The others had run inside, but James had gone straight to you. His chief wanted to confirm with you that there was no one else in the home (there wasn’t) and that you’d gotten out quickly (you didn’t have a great answer for that one). Like pulling teeth, it came out that you’d fallen asleep with dinner in the oven, and it was only by coincidence that someone had called your phone and the ringing woke you up. You’d turned off the oven and dumped cupfuls of water on your flaming dinner until it went out, but the smoke had spread throughout your home and your neighbor had already called emergency services. 

This led to you having to admit you hadn’t replaced the batteries in your smoke detector, which had led to a fervent lecture from your boyfriend that you doubt you’ve heard the end of. It was only the arrival of the ambulance that had distracted him. 

The paramedic sitting next to you jerks her chin toward James. That’s all it takes to get his attention, since he’s watching you like you’re going to float away if he doesn’t keep a close eye on things. 

“You can come up here,” she tells him. 

James clambers up quickly, giving her a terse smile at half his usual wattage as she moves to let him take her place next to you. 

“Hey, angel.” He takes the mask from you, holding it to your face himself. His other hand slides down the inside of your forearm and interlocks its fingers with yours. “Is she okay?” he asks the paramedic you’d spoken to. 

“Her symptoms are minor,” she assures him. “I wanna keep her on oxygen for ten minutes or so before checking her levels, but she’ll be fine.” 

James nods in thanks, but his sigh ghosts over the shell of your ear when he leans his brow against the side of your head. The paramedics conveniently find other things to do, and you’re grateful for it. 

“I’m sorry,” you tell him quietly. 

“I think you should stay at my place tonight,” he says, matching your tone, “if that’s alright with you.” 

“Yeah,” you laugh a little. It provokes your lungs, and a cough follows. 

James winces. Kisses your cheek softly. 

“Yeah,” you try again. “That sounds good, thank you.” 

“The next time you set foot in your place, I’m going with you and installing new smoke detectors.” 

Now you wince. “Fair enough.” 

“And I don’t think you should ever cook or nap again.” 

“That seems a bit far.” 

“I dunno, I think I’m being reasonable.” He kisses your cheek again, lingering this time. “I’d prefer to wrap you in some sort of fireproofed bubble wrap, but I think this is a compromise we can both live with, no?” 

You smile, and you can’t tell if your chest hurts because of your smokey lungs or the raw quality to James’ teasing, but it helps when he smiles back. 

“What if,” you say, “you cook, and I nap. Would that satisfy you?” 

He mulls this over for a second. “For now,” he decides. “I think I’d still like to work on fire-proofing some bubble wrap in the meantime, though.”

[ms-snape]

Severus snape x reader. She just find ou that she’s pregnant? And didn’t know how to say it to Severus.

Title: New Hope

Warning: none... exept stressed reader I guess...

Words Count: 2000+

Masterlist

---

Y/N Snape had never imagined that standing amidst the lush greenhouses of Hogwarts, surrounded by the vibrant life of magical plants, she would feel so utterly lifeless herself. For weeks now, she had felt a gnawing sense of fatigue, the kind that no amount of rest could cure. Her usually nimble fingers, once adept at trimming and caring for the delicate blooms and exotic roots, felt heavy, sluggish. Nausea had become a familiar visitor, creeping up on her with increasing frequency.

At first, she dismissed it as overwork, perhaps an accidental inhalation of some stray pollen or spore. But when the dizziness grew so severe that she had to excuse herself from her third-year class, Y/N knew it was time to seek Madam Pomfrey’s guidance. She wasn’t one to visit the hospital wing lightly, but something was clearly wrong.

Now, sitting on the edge of a bed in the pristine, sterile room, she anxiously awaited Madam Pomfrey’s return. The soft hum of the enchanted ceiling above, designed to soothe patients with a gentle twilight glow, did little to calm the storm of thoughts swirling in her mind. Severus was busy in his dungeons, likely unaware that she had even left the greenhouse, and Y/N couldn't shake the nagging sense of dread building in her chest.

When Madam Pomfrey finally entered, her expression unreadable, Y/N felt her breath catch in her throat.

“Well, Professor Snape,” Madam Pomfrey began, her tone gentle but professional, “I’ve reviewed the results of the tests I performed.”

Y/N leaned forward slightly, her hands clenching in her lap. “Is it… is it serious?”

Pomfrey’s lips twitched into a small smile. “Not in the way you might think.” She paused for a moment, as if weighing her words carefully before continuing. “You’re pregnant, Y/N.”

For a heartbeat, Y/N didn’t react. The word hung in the air like a foreign concept, something distant and impossible. Pregnant? She blinked, confusion clouding her thoughts. Her mind raced through the possibilities, the implications.

“You’re sure?” she finally managed to ask, her voice barely above a whisper.

Pomfrey nodded, her eyes warm with understanding. “Quite sure. Based on the symptoms you’ve described and the tests I ran, I’d estimate you’re about ten weeks along.”

Y/N felt the world tilt around her, as if the ground had shifted beneath her feet. Pregnant. She placed a trembling hand over her abdomen, where a tiny life was beginning to grow. This was real. This was happening.

“I… I didn’t expect this,” she murmured, more to herself than to Pomfrey. “I didn’t even think… Severus and I… we never talked about having children...”

The weight of those words settled heavily in her chest. Severus. How would she tell him? They had been married for nearly two years now, and though their bond was strong, they had never once discussed starting a family. In fact, she vividly recalled Severus’s past comments about children—his distaste for their unpredictability, his general discomfort around them. He had always preferred the solitude of his potions lab, the quiet precision of his work. A child would shatter that carefully constructed world.

Would he even want this? Would he be angry? Disappointed?

“I don’t know how to tell him,” Y/N whispered, her voice trembling. “What if… what if he doesn’t want this baby?”

Pomfrey’s gaze softened with sympathy. “Y/N, I can’t speak for Severus, but I do know that he loves you deeply. Whatever his feelings about children may have been in the past, this is different. This is your child. His child.”

Y/N nodded, but the anxiety still twisted tightly in her chest. She thanked Pomfrey quietly before slipping out of the hospital wing, her mind spinning with the weight of the news she now carried.

The following days passed in a blur. Y/N moved through her classes on autopilot, her mind always half-distracted, her heart heavy with the secret she held. Each evening, she would sit with Severus in their private quarters, sharing quiet meals, but the words she so desperately needed to say remained lodged in her throat. She couldn’t find the courage to tell him, not yet.

It was during one of these particularly restless days that Minerva McGonagall caught her lingering outside the Great Hall, her eyes distant as students bustled past her. Y/N had been so lost in her thoughts that she hadn’t noticed the Transfiguration professor approaching until Minerva’s voice broke through the haze.

“Y/N, dear, you look a bit peaky. Is everything all right?”

Y/N blinked and forced a smile, though she could tell by the narrowing of Minerva’s eyes that it wasn’t convincing. “I’m fine, really. Just… tired.”

Minerva’s lips pressed into a thin line, her sharp gaze piercing through Y/N’s weak facade. “You’ve been looking more than tired lately. I’ve seen you lost in thought during meals, and you’ve barely spoken to anyone. What’s going on?”

Y/N hesitated, her hand instinctively moving to her stomach. She trusted Minerva, perhaps more than anyone at Hogwarts aside from Severus. But saying the words aloud—admitting the truth—felt too terrifying.

Minerva, however, was not one to let things lie. She stepped closer, her voice softening. “Y/N, I’ve known you for many years as one of my student then as a colleague and friend. I can see that something is troubling you. You can tell me. Whatever it is, I’m here.”

Tears pricked at Y/N’s eyes before she could stop them. She hadn’t realized just how much she had been holding back, how much the weight of this secret had been wearing on her.

“I… I’m pregnant, Minerva,” she whispered, her voice breaking.

Minerva’s sharp intake of breath was immediate, her eyes widening in surprise. “Pregnant?” she repeated, her voice filled with astonishment. “That’s… well, that’s wonderful news, my dear!”

Y/N shook her head, wiping at her eyes with trembling hands. “I don’t know if it is. Severus… he doesn’t like children. We’ve never talked about having them. I’m terrified that he won’t want this baby.”

Minerva’s expression softened with understanding as she gently placed a hand on Y/N’s shoulder. “Oh, Y/N,” she said quietly. “I can understand why you’re afraid. But Severus loves you. And love has a way of changing even the most stubborn of minds.”

Y/N sniffled, but the knot of fear in her chest remained tight. “What if he doesn’t want it, Minerva? What if he resents me for this?”

Minerva squeezed her shoulder reassuringly. “Give him a chance. He may surprise you. You’ve brought so much light into his life already, Y/N, you've chnager him in so many ways. A child… it could be a new kind of hope for him.”

Though her words were kind, Y/N still couldn’t shake the lingering fear. She thanked Minerva for her support, but as the days passed, her anxiety only seemed to grow.

It was three days later when Y/N was summoned to Albus Dumbledore’s office. She had been sitting in the greenhouse, mindlessly trimming the leaves of a Flutterby Bush, when a house-elf appeared with a note requesting her presence. Her heart sank immediately. Had Dumbledore somehow found out? Did he know?Did Minerva told him?

When she entered the Headmaster’s office, the usual warm glow of the room seemed more oppressive than welcoming. Fawkes let out a soft trill from his perch, but Dumbledore himself was quiet, watching her with those piercing blue eyes from behind his desk.

“Y/N, please sit,” he said, his voice kind yet commanding.

She obeyed, her hands trembling slightly as she folded them in her lap. Dumbledore watched her for a moment, the silence stretching on before he finally spoke.

“There is something weighing heavily on your mind, my dear,” he said softly. “I have seen it in your eyes these past few days. Would you care to share what troubles you?”

Y/N bit her lip, her eyes fixed on the floor. She didn’t know how to explain the storm of emotions inside her. But this was Albus Dumbledore—he had a way of knowing, even when she didn’t want to say anything at all.

“I’m pregnant,” she whispered, the confession falling from her lips like a weight she could no longer carry alone.

Dumbledore’s eyebrows lifted slightly, but his expression remained calm, thoughtful. “I see,” he said gently. “And this news troubles you.”

She nodded, unable to meet his eyes. “We all know that Severus doesn’t like children.Plus we’ve never talked about having them. I’m afraid… I’m afraid he won’t want this.”

Dumbledore leaned forward, his hands clasped together atop his desk. “Severus Snape is a man of many complexities, Y/N. But if there is one thing I know about him, it is that he values you above all else. This child may be unexpected, but love has a way of blossoming even in the most unlikely of places.”

Y/N’s throat tightened, her fears still gnawing at her heart. “What if he doesn’t want to be a father? What if this ruins everything between us, everything we've built during those last two years?”

Dumbledore’s eyes twinkled with that familiar warmth as he spoke, his voice filled with the wisdom of someone who had seen more than most. “Severus has spent much of his life building walls around his heart, but you, my dear, have already found a way through those walls. This child will not tear you apart—it will bring you closer.”

Tears welled in Y/N’s eyes once again, and this time, she didn’t try to stop them. “I don’t know how to tell him,” she admitted, her voice thick with emotion.

Dumbledore rose from his seat and crossed the room to stand beside her, resting a hand on her shoulder. “Tell him the truth. Trust in the love you share. And remember, Y/N, that life is not a series of planned events, but rather a garden full of unexpected blooms. This child is a gift—a new beginning.”

That night, Y/N finally found the courage to tell Severus.

They were sitting by the fire in their quarters, the soft crackling of the flames filling the space between them. Severus was reading, his sharp eyes focused on the text before him, but Y/N could barely concentrate on the warmth of the room. Her heart pounded in her chest, her hands clammy with nerves.

“Severus” she began, her voice trembling slightly. He looked up from his book, his dark eyes immediately locking onto hers with concern.

“What is it love?” he asked, setting the book aside.

Y/N took a deep breath, trying to steady herself. “I… I have something to tell you.”

Severus’s brow furrowed, and for a moment, she saw a flicker of fear in his eyes. “Are you unwell?” he asked, his voice laced with worry.

She shook her head quickly. “No, it’s not that. It’s just…gosh this so hard to say.... I’m pregnant.”

For a moment, the words hung in the air between them, heavy and uncertain. Severus stared at her, his expression unreadable, and Y/N’s heart clenched painfully in her chest. She had expected him to say something, to react, but he was silent, his gaze fixed on her as if he were processing the information.

Then, slowly, Severus rose from his seat and crossed the room to her, kneeling down in front of her so that they were eye-level. His hands, usually so precise and controlled, were trembling slightly as he reached out to cup her face.

“Y/N,” he whispered, his voice thick with emotion. “You’re pregnant?”

She nodded, tears welling in her eyes as she searched his face for any sign of rejection, any hint that he didn’t want this.

But instead, she saw something she hadn’t expected—joy.

Severus’s lips twitched into the smallest of smiles, his dark eyes softening as he looked at her. “You're carying....A child,” he murmured, almost in disbelief. “Our child.”

Y/N let out a choked sob, relief flooding her as she leaned into his touch.”I'm so sorry I didn't tell you sonner, I was so afraid you wouldn’t want this,” she confessed, her voice shaking. “I know you don’t like children, and I didn’t know how you’d feel about—”

Severus silenced her with a soft kiss, his hands cradling her face as if she were the most precious thing in the world. When he pulled back, his gaze was intense, filled with a depth of emotion that took her breath away.

“I don't like children who aren't when they are insufferable eleven years old students...I never thought I could have something like this,” he said quietly. “A family. With you.”

Y/N smiled through her tears, her heart swelling with love for the man who had once seemed so distant, so unreachable. “Are you… are you happy about this?” she asked, her voice barely above a whisper.

Severus’s smile widened, and for the first time, she saw a glimmer of hope in his eyes—a hope she had never thought possible.

“I’m more than happy,” he whispered, pressing a soft kiss to her forehead. “I’m honored, I'm proud. I can’t wait to meet our child.”

Tears streamed down Y/N’s face as she wrapped her arms around him, holding him close as the fire crackled softly in the background. She had been so afraid, so certain that this news would drive a wedge between them, but instead, it had brought them closer than ever before.

In that moment, as Severus held her in his arms, Y/N knew that everything would be all right. They would face this new chapter of their lives together, hand in hand, ready to nurture the life growing between them.

[theorphicforest]

i finished season 4 of the umbrella academy a few days ago, after re-watching my beloved season 2 i’ve come up with thinks i liked and disliked about the season

so here is my rant.

Liked/noticed:

- Both Brellie ben and Sparrow ben died Because of Jennifer. imagine no matter what timeline your in you die because of your heart, brellie ben wanted to save her and not blow her up, sparrow ben wanting to feel seen and belong to somthing/someone (i love brellie and sparrow ben so much ill rant about him later dw)

- LUTHERRR went from being a Luther disliked to a Luther lover- he’s so silly omg i can’t-

- KLAUS MY BELOVED (that’s it a just loved seeing klaus will rant about what i didn’t like soon)

- Jean & Gene- before you say anything. THEY MATCHED EACH OTHERS FREAKS SO WELL

(when will i find somone who match’s my freak they way they match each others?)

- KLAUS AND CLAIRE OMG MY BABYS I CANT- HES THE BEST UNCLE 😭

- DEIGO, I LOVE HIM SM I LOVED SEEING HIM BE A FAMILY MAN.

DISLIKES (THERE IS A LOT)

*ahem*

why did luther get his ape body back, its not connected to his powers at all. they just did it to make two bad jokes didn't they

HOW DID SHE GET IN THE SQUID

they said durango was supposed to be more powerful the all the brellie combined if she came in contact with them but all she did was turn into a fleshy blob monster?

how did five start the commission?

why didn’t reggie just kill jenifer inseatd of making an elaborate truman show around d her? we all know he would have no problem killing g her bc he already did in the brellie timeline

how could claire and grace and the twins still be alive when their parents never existed. that would've created another grandfather paradox according to this shows logic i guess not?

WHERE IS SLOANE? AND RAY? YOU EXPECT ME TO BELIVE THAT THE RAYMOND CHESTNUT WOUDL WALK OUT IN ALLISON? I THINK NOT! if the actor didn’t want to/couldn’t be in the show i understand but at least make a good reason.

when Five meets the other Fives in the diner he doesn't show any symptoms of Paradox Psychosis

Diego dies without saying goodbye to his children

Abigail's storyline made NO sense at all

WHY ARE THE ALIENS?

Klaus' new powers are shown for a second and then for the rest of the season he's basically reduced to a prostitute, ruining all the anticipation of seeing his true strength that has been building up since season 2 and he lost all of his self improvement

why in the hell was Lila shooting laser from her eyes? where did that power come from?

oh yeah! AND WHATS THE DEAL WITH LILA AND FIVE? IT HAD NOTHING TO SO WITH THE PLOT AT ALL

AND WHILE IM ON THIS TOPIC WHY DIDNT DEIGO STUTTER WHEN HE FOUND OUT?

AND HE SAID LILA HATED BRACELETS (and traded on he got her for a Dyson vacuum) BUT SHE KEPT THE ONE FORM THE ASYLUM AND WORE IT FOR THE WHOLE OF SEAOSN 2 (AND MAYBE 3?) MAYBE DEIGO JUST HAS BAD TASTE IN BUYING BRACLETS?

SOBIBNG

i will do i post on why i love ben and Klaus so much eventually:3

[pastanest]

Spencer Reid x she/her!reader

A/N: never thought I’d see the day where I wrote for Spencer Reid again, but this mf has been livin it up rent free fr

False Alarm

It had started as nothing more than a one-off joke between yourself and Derek Morgan. Or rather, a joke made by Derek Morgan in which you were the punchline. You had only been part of the team for around 3 months, but you had gelled with each and every member so well that none could remember what their dynamic had been like prior to you, save for the only member of the team that struggled to forget almost anything. Everyone was comfortable with you, so comfortable in fact that when the team happened to be in the office for a fire alarm test, Derek Morgan took it upon himself to sprint straight for you, near enough tackle you, fling you over his shoulder and bolt out of the building with you in a fireman’s lift, everyone laughing at the silliness of it while you playfully smacked his back. 

It had been intended as just a one-off, you were certain of it, but apparently, it was simply too funny to Derek for him to not incorporate the ridiculous gesture into any and every situation possible. It didn’t matter who was around, if you were within arm’s reach and the team had to go to another room, he would swing you over his shoulder and take you there. It was all in good fun, despite the mock-anger that you gave him whenever he did pick you up, and the team had become so used to the act that they all but rolled their eyes with fond smiles when it occurred on cue. Everyone, you noticed, save for the only member of the team that didn’t seem to understand the humour behind the joke, who was - by no coincidence - your absolute favourite person in the entire world. 

“Does it bother you, when Derek…picks you up?” Doctor Spencer Reid had essentially materialized at your side three days ago as you prepared your morning coffee, so desperate for an answer to his question that he had not been able to prioritize greeting you first.

This was unusual, particularly for him when in conversation with you, given the fondness you share for each other and his dutiful care to always treat you with the utmost politeness. No matter the case, the time of day or how either of you are feeling, the gentleness with which you have always spoken to each other is never forgotten.

“Uh, no, not at all, why?” You returned the question, touched by his concern for your feelings but confused by the cause for such concern.

Ever since your first day, Spencer has had a soft spot for you that was blindingly obvious to absolutely everyone, except for you. To you, that was simply the way he was; you were not to know he treated other women around his age any differently, so you were completely unaware of just how highly he regarded you. There were so many instances where he had shown you, so obviously, how much he cared for you, but neither of you dared address a single one. Not the flight home from your first case, when you had been the quietest you had been all day and he had sat beside you on the jet, watching as silent, slow tears rolled down your cheeks and despite his usual total opposition to physical contact of such a degree, he found himself placing a blanket over the two of you and taking the opportunity to offer his hand beneath the soft fabric, which you took without a word. Not the one time you had called in sick and the moment the team landed home from that case without you, Spencer arrived at your door with a bouquet of flowers, every flavor of soup he could find, and several different types of medicine to relieve you of your symptoms. Not the countless times he had reminded you of things you had forgotten, or every little thing he had prioritized in remembering about you - not that he needed to prioritize anything when it came to his memory - to surprise you with little gifts and trivia about the things he knew you loved. While you never seemed to stop thanking him for the person he was, the two of you found it far too terrifying to ever address what his gestures could mean. 

Spencer shrugged, avoiding your eyes and fixing his gaze on the coffee machine. “No reason.”

At that, you had smiled, turning to face him to profile him as best you could. “Doctor Reid, I don’t think you’ve ever done or said anything for ‘no reason’ in all your life.”

Spencer couldn’t hide the small smile that appeared on his face at your words, the kindness that you never failed to radiate in every conversation with him. “I was just…worried that, perhaps, while everyone had enjoyed the joke, nobody had asked whether you were okay with it, that was all.”

You held his gaze, both bringing your mugs of coffee to your lips in unison and chuckling lightly at the synchronized motion. “Thank you, Spencer, that’s very kind. I don’t mind it at all, honestly, it’s quite nice to be picked up - as long as I trust the person that’s doing it, you’ll hear no complaints from me!”

Spencer seemed to carefully consider this and elected to answer with no more than a nod and a thoughtful smile, before taking his leave and returning to his desk. Leaving you in the bewildered, dazed wake of the wonder, the enigma that is Doctor Spencer Reid.

In the days that have passed since, you have been playing that conversation over and over in your head, trying to piece together what was going on in the mind of your favorite genius. Though you felt you had spent the majority of your time doing that since joining the team, having been so fascinated by the curious person he was and the seemingly impossible things he knew, the past three days have particularly plagued you. It hasn’t helped that on several occasions, you have caught him glancing over at you with the same smile on his face he had given you by the coffee machine. Every time you’ve caught him, he’s been quick to look away from you, but that same smile has lingered and grown while he’s busied himself with something else, mind clearly still occupied by whatever he thinks when he looks over at you. It has been maddening, in all honesty.

Strolling into the office, you are greeted by the sight of the very genius that has been living rent free in your brain since the day you met, standing at your desk. The bright smile that takes over your face is instinctual and the one he returns to you is the same, the invisible tether that binds you to each other tugging at the distance between you until you reach your desk to start digging through your bag. 

“Good morning Spencer, everything alright?” You ask, too sincerely pleased by the sight of him to be at all concerned by him seemingly waiting for you at your desk before you’ve even arrived for the day.

 “Good morning (Y/N)! Everything is perfectly alright, thank you, why do you ask?” He fires the question back at you, excitement too obvious in his tone to not raise your suspicions.

This is exacerbated by the expressions on the faces of the rest of the team as they file into the office, their conversations abruptly silencing as they stop in the doorway, all of them watching your interaction with eager eyes.

Looking between them and Spencer, you frown in confusion. “What’s going on?”

If you were to compare the genius to any fictional character in this moment, you would be unable to choose any other than the Cheshire Cat, with the grin he’s sporting. “Going on? Nothing is ‘going on’, as far as I’m aware. I do have a question for you, though, now that you mention it.”

Dropping your bag on your desk, you turn to face him, giving him your full attention. “Okay, go ahead.”

You have never seen Spencer Reid quite so giddy in your life. “Do you trust me?”

Blinking rapidly up at him, your frown returns. “Of course, with my life, why wouldn’t I?”

Spencer smiles down at you, glancing over your shoulder at the team. “I had really hoped that would be your answer.” He gives them a thumbs up. “Morgan?”

Following his gaze, you watch Derek chuckle. “All yours, kid.” With that, he strolls over to the fire alarm and hits it, hard. 

As the alarm blares, you hurry to hold your ears with your hands, but it seems someone else has plans for you being in their own hands. Before you have time to process what exactly is going on, Doctor Spencer Reid has swung you up in his arms, not in a fireman’s lift, but bridal style. Completely disorientated, you struggle to catch up with what is unfolding around you, all the while Spencer starts carrying you out of the building, the rest of the team laughing and holding the doors open for you as you pass through them. 

Finally finding the confidence to look up at Spencer’s face, you are not at all prepared for the look in his eyes, already waiting for yours to meet his. 

“You..orchestrated a fire drill?” You manage to say as the two of you exit the building into the parking lot, free of the deafening alarm at last.

Without placing you down on the ground, Spencer Reid stares into your eyes with the softest smile you have ever seen. “For the chance to hold you, it was the easiest thing in the world to arrange.”

Seeing stars with a bewildered grin plastered on your face, you call out. “Derek?”

From somewhere behind Spencer, your friend and colleague replies. “What’s up, lovebirds?”

Without breaking eye contact, you call over Spencer’s shoulder. 

“With regret, in the event of an actual fire or any reason for a lift to be required, you are fired from the position of first in line and will, please, find Doctor Spencer Reid as quickly as possible to do the job.”

[wered0gs]

I haven't seen a lot of discussion about RSD when it comes to ADHD discussions, so I thought I would do the honors since it's been affecting me for many years and I'd like people to know more about it!

I have had a diagnosis for ADHD but was never told- instead learning I had autism through therapy but still having some behaviors that I could never explain that just Happened.

I learned I had ADHD over the summer, and with that, severe rejection sensitive dysphoria.

before reading, please keep in mind that this is mostly talking from personal experience and some skimmed research! not experiencing RSD doesn't mean you do/don't have ADHD, and it may not appear like how it appeared for me. I don't only have autism + adhd either, so those may also contribute to any differences! ^^

RSD is the immense emotional pain after being criticized, rejected, or even teased (ignore my misspell in the panel). This rejection can be real or perceived, and we react like this because it hurts.

The pain can manifest as aggression, bringing on symptoms of depression (thoughts of s/h, isolation, demotivation, etc) and anxiety/panic attacks.

it can cause physical aliments like the above. For me, it causes my heartrate to skyrocket, heart palpitations, the feeling of being in a crisis, and extreme shaking to occur along with stomach pain.

(In fact, right now I'm going through it because making a post talking about this, despite having & dealing with it, makes me scared of other's opinions on it.)

RSD can also take the form of avoiding situations, people, or conversations where rejection or criticism is very possible.

Like other types of dysphoria, it is out of our control and hard to manage. It can last from days to weeks to months, all depending on both the trigger* and the individual.

I had a RSD episode that was on-and-off for a little over a year or two; getting more tame and bearable as it slowly drifted and stopped haunting my mind with the incident.

Compared to the other times my RSD was set off, this moment was a rather big moment in my life and ended up permanently changing me moving forward - which can be the reason why it lasted so long.

Despite how unbearable it can get, there are some ways to cope with it & lessen the effect it has.

Communicate - If you need time to process something that's told to you, you should say so (as difficult as it is). Tell the person(s) involved about your RSD, how you need time to digest information like this and take some time to relax. Trying to respond to the information while going through the head of the dysphoria will be very rough and might not be what you truly want to say.

Distract - This is really useful for me personally! Do something that grabs your attention or occupies your mind. One of RSD's main symptoms is rumination, thinking of something over and over again. I usually listen to music, draw, or play a game that won't frustrate me - like minecraft! (i'd say rain world but some of you would call me a maniac /lhj)

Perspective - This may require some communication, but it can really help and connect with others. See what the involved people thought / perceived, explain, talk. This doesn't always have the chance to end in rainbows and rekindling but at least you understand. Sometimes simply hearing the person explain their own side is enough to ease my RSD, being able to have someone explain themselves to me so i can understand them better.

I also wanna point out the "don't take it personally" thing that people try to use to deal with it isn't something i agree with since we're going to take it personally at first regardless. Later on, not really, but you're trying to cope with the symptoms... telling someone (or yourself) that they're too sensitive & over-reacting is the worse thing you could do.

With time, you can even begin to build up your 'armor' and be able to sustain yourself in situations you might get hurt in. Of course, some things may be able to sneak past and hurt you more than you expect, but at the end of the day, you're trying your best to go about it the best you can while taking so many blows. you're doing great.

OK i dont have a lot more to add so if anyone else would like to talk about their experiences, please feel free! Character showcased here was my beloved fursona Shiki! i'm just a little neurodivergent + black artist from new york :]

hope you enjoyed it! sorry for the long post </3

[aspd-culture]

sometimes i feel like how i am just makes more sense. how do you think the world would be different if everyone "had aspd" (but in this world, it would just be being normal)?

Hmmmm.... Damn I'm really unmasked right now so this is probably the most honest answer I could give you (based on my opinion of course, none of this is fact and for all intents and purposes this answer is entertainment value only not educational bc who knows if I'll agree with myself once we find wherever that mask is hiding).

First and foremost, society is kind of gone in this case. Or reverted, I guess. That's a major point with ASPD is that we didn't develop the way everyone else did to be a part of society, desire to be around people, fear people disliking us (because in the wild that could mean dy*ng), etc. We still have the understanding of the need to congregate and therefore would likely still have settlements nearby, but I'm guessing everything would be a lot more spread out. I'm sure there are plenty of pwASPD who don't feel this way, but all the pwASPD I know personally hate the concept of neighbors that can perceive them while standing in their own yard or worse their own house. So firstly I think that houses would likely be further away, and that things like trailer parks and apartments would be significantly less common.

I also think that laws surrounding where you can build a house and the safety stuff involved like permits would be more lax - leaning towards a "if you didn't do it right, you'll be the one to have to deal with it" mentality, and in that I think more people would be housed but probably significantly less safely. I don't think this would extend to things like basic building stability and electricity and such, because that would cause issues for more than just the idiot who didn't do their research, but for things like lead paint, proper insulation, and such like that.

In general, probably a lot of things would lean that way - with more overall protections for people because we A.) don't like to hear people complain and will sooner do the right thing to shut them up than continue to allow their whining in a lot of cases and B.) we understand that the entire purpose of humans living near each other is to help and C.) in a world where ASPD was the norm we know that if I (general I) don't help you (general you) when you need it, there will be no empathy or anything making them feel bad if you don't help when *I* need it. Everyone takes what they need and gives what they need and I doubt people would bother to abuse the system because we are smart enough to know that gaming the system is actually screwing all of us over bc now when people need help that isn't there, they will have no qualms about coming to the house of the person who stole all the resources for themself and asking what that person intends to do to fix the problem they made.

See, a lot of the reason that pwASPD who manage to go on to be your high-profile wealthy CEOs do that is because it's easier for them than a prosocial. Stepping on people to get to the top, knowing that those people will likely barely see it as you doing something wrong. They feel for you and they understand you were taught greed and all that, so they're easy to manipulate. Give them a bonus check that doesn't even bother a percentage of your profits every year around the holidays and you're considered a great boss doing better than most. Let them call out every once in a while and only give them a little heat about it and they'll worship you because it's better than most of what's out there.

But other pwASPD see through that, so I don't think hyper-selfish people with ASPD would manage to thrive in this type of "society" the way they do with a majority prosocial one.

I think that we'd also help to establish better things for people with ASPD - more stuff like wreck rooms and such - that allow for the easing of those symptoms without breaking your sh*t or hurting anyone, while also getting rid of laws that are, well, stupid in our eyes and help decrease the annoyance that causes our symptoms to flare in the first place. You're stealing baby formula? Go at it. I don't care. If we notice because you're stealing a bunch of shit then you did a shit job of stealing and then there's probably consequences. Maybe. If the dude on shift feels like dealing with it.

I think only the big things would continue being illegal by any degree, and I think the system would probably be much more collective rather than things like managers, politicians, etc. We're not a fan of people telling us what to do more often than not, so I think all of us having a turn would be the way it would work. I think most everything would go to majority vote.

I honestly wonder if money would even survive in a world entirely set up by pwASPD or if we'd just make all the transactions by association like the old barter system. People say that the reason we can't go back to that in today's world is because we wouldn't be able to decide what services were worth what other services but that kind of removes the point of the barter system in the first place. It's not about the services having a "value" it's literally just about "I need this and you have it, you need that and I have it, let's trade". This is already how we view our relationships - not caring if the give and take is equal as long as we both are walking away cool with it - so it makes sense we'd extend that to a general rule.

In a weird way I just feel like we'd be less connected but more collaborative. No I don't want to have small talk but I do have bread I'm willing to give to someone who can get me antibiotics. And no one would take offense to that because *none* of us want to do the small talk.

Plenty of pwASPD do enjoy friendships and relationships and so I think in those cases, you'd see people who want that finding that and people who don't just not participating.

I don't think everything would change, because to a degree there is some ASPD influence in how things work atm, but it's a prosocial lens on it even for the things that have that influence.

There is also the solid possibility that it could just be anarchy tho :/ It depends because honestly all of this is coming from the place of "us all developing ASPD knowing what the world is like now and what isn't working" but if it wasn't like that who really knows what would happen. (apparently my use of emoji means that sentence has to be in bold on this font)

I refuse to re-read and edit this rn and I won't want to do it later so RIP if this is a mess of a post to read or contradicts itself, etc. But I promise I do care about this blog and the content on it/gen - the reason why I'm being selective about which asks I'm willing to do while in this state - I'm just impaired by the low mood stabilizer levels so I'm honestly worse than just unmasked rn. Like me normally without a mask and without any mood stabilizer at all is more composed and gives more of an f then I do rn but god guys Lamictal withdrawal will kick your *ss. Idk why I'm explaining this like I would to a group of prosocials tho XD I more often get questions on this blog about why I *don't* act like this.

Plain text below the cut:

Hmmmm.... Damn I'm really unmasked right now so this is probably the most honest answer I could give you (based on my opinion of course, none of this is fact and for all intents and purposes this answer is entertainment value only not educational bc who knows if I'll agree with myself once we find wherever that mask is hiding).

First and foremost, society is kind of gone in this case. Or reverted, I guess. That's a major point with ASPD is that we didn't develop the way everyone else did to be a part of society, desire to be around people, fear people disliking us (because in the wild that could mean dy*ng), etc. We still have the understanding of the need to congregate and therefore would likely still have settlements nearby, but I'm guessing everything would be a lot more spread out. I'm sure there are plenty of pwASPD who don't feel this way, but all the pwASPD I know personally hate the concept of neighbors that can perceive them while standing in their own yard or worse their own house. So firstly I think that houses would likely be further away, and that things like trailer parks and apartments would be significantly less common.

I also think that laws surrounding where you can build a house and the safety stuff involved like permits would be more lax - leaning towards a "if you didn't do it right, you'll be the one to have to deal with it" mentality, and in that I think more people would be housed but probably significantly less safely. I don't think this would extend to things like basic building stability and electricity and such, because that would cause issues for more than just the idiot who didn't do their research, but for things like lead paint, proper insulation, and such like that.

In general, probably a lot of things would lean that way - with more overall protections for people because we A.) don't like to hear people complain and will sooner do the right thing to shut them up than continue to allow their whining in a lot of cases and B.) we understand that the entire purpose of humans living near each other is to help and C.) in a world where ASPD was the norm we know that if I (general I) don't help you (general you) when you need it, there will be no empathy or anything making them feel bad if you don't help when *I* need it. Everyone takes what they need and gives what they need and I doubt people would bother to abuse the system because we are smart enough to know that gaming the system is actually screwing all of us over bc now when people need help that isn't there, they will have no qualms about coming to the house of the person who stole all the resources for themself and asking what that person intends to do to fix the problem they made.

See, a lot of the reason that pwASPD who manage to go on to be your high-profile wealthy CEOs do that is because it's easier for them than a prosocial. Stepping on people to get to the top, knowing that those people will likely barely see it as you doing something wrong. They feel for you and they understand you were taught greed and all that, so they're easy to manipulate. Give them a bonus check that doesn't even bother a percentage of your profits every year around the holidays and you're considered a great boss doing better than most. Let them call out every once in a while and only give them a little heat about it and they'll worship you because it's better than most of what's out there.

But other pwASPD see through that, so I don't think hyper-selfish people with ASPD would manage to thrive in this type of "society" the way they do with a majority prosocial one.

I think that we'd also help to establish better things for people with ASPD - more stuff like wreck rooms and such - that allow for the easing of those symptoms without breaking your sh*t or hurting anyone, while also getting rid of laws that are, well, stupid in our eyes and help decrease the annoyance that causes our symptoms to flare in the first place. You're stealing baby formula? Go at it. I don't care. If we notice because you're stealing a bunch of shit then you did a shit job of stealing and then there's probably consequences. Maybe. If the dude on shift feels like dealing with it.

I think only the big things would continue being illegal by any degree, and I think the system would probably be much more collective rather than things like managers, politicians, etc. We're not a fan of people telling us what to do more often than not, so I think all of us having a turn would be the way it would work. I think most everything would go to majority vote.

I honestly wonder if money would even survive in a world entirely set up by pwASPD or if we'd just make all the transactions by association like the old barter system. People say that the reason we can't go back to that in today's world is because we wouldn't be able to decide what services were worth what other services but that kind of removes the point of the barter system in the first place. It's not about the services having a "value" it's literally just about "I need this and you have it, you need that and I have it, let's trade". This is already how we view our relationships - not caring if the give and take is equal as long as we both are walking away cool with it - so it makes sense we'd extend that to a general rule.

In a weird way I just feel like we'd be less connected but more collaborative. No I don't want to have small talk but I do have bread I'm willing to give to someone who can get me antibiotics. And no one would take offense to that because *none* of us want to do the small talk.

Plenty of pwASPD do enjoy friendships and relationships and so I think in those cases, you'd see people who want that finding that and people who don't just not participating.

I don't think everything would change, because to a degree there is some ASPD influence in how things work atm, but it's a prosocial lens on it even for the things that have that influence.

There is also the solid possibility that it could just be anarchy tho :/ It depends because honestly all of this is coming from the place of "us all developing ASPD knowing what the world is like now and what isn't working" but if it wasn't like that who really knows what would happen.

I refuse to re-read and edit this rn and I won't want to do it later so RIP if this is a mess of a post to read or contradicts itself, etc. But I promise I do care about this blog and the content on it/gen - the reason why I'm being selective about which asks I'm willing to do while in this state - I'm just impaired by the low mood stabilizer levels so I'm honestly worse than just unmasked rn. Like me normally without a mask and without any mood stabilizer at all is more composed and gives more of an f then I do rn but god guys Lamictal withdrawal will kick your *ss. Idk why I'm explaining this like I would to a group of prosocials tho XD I more often get questions on this blog about why I *don't* act like this.

[saddled-on-stars]

hello S-O-S! Rea here. I was wondering if I could ask for a request...

Would you be open to a BJ x Reader where the reader struggles with self-destructive behaviors like picking skin, pulling hair and even sometimes more straightforward self-injury? If you don't that's fine of course i know it's a sensitive subject but I need some comfort from Beej for my bald-spot and picked-to-oblivion skin on my fingers 😅

your mutual and friend,

Rea ♥

Okay, firstly, I am here to talk if you ever need it, I see you as a friend and I care about you, so my dm's are always open :) I'm sorry that this took me so long, it's been a really long day, sigh I HOPE THAT YOU ARE OKAY THO, BECAUSE IF YOU'RE NOT, I'M FINDING YOUR HOUSE AND BRINGING YOU FEEL-BETTER-TACOS. Second of all, I'm going to assume that you want a Musical-Juice x reader? If not, I am 100% willing to rewrite to a different version. I'm also going to assume that this is like me, (aside from the direct self injury, that will be another feeling), and this will be done out of nervousness or fear? I've never been diagnosed with anxiety, and I'm sort of too afraid to ask a doctor lmao, so I just have always said that I don't have it, but one of my friends says that I've been showing signs lately. (They have anxiety, so I understand what the symptoms are, so I can interpret that into writing hopefully!) (They also have ADHD, and they said that I show signs of either that or ADD.) But the main reason of this is to just see it for a perspective for you that's as accurate as possible, I hope that's alright. SORRY I GOT OFF TRACK, LMAO, ANYWAYS, HERE YA GO LOVELY REA! <3

*(sorry that this took me so long!!)

Happy reading! - Star ★

-★-★-★-★-★-★-★- Trigger Warnings: Self Harm, Cutting/Blood, Skin Picking, Hair Pulling, Explicit Language -★-★-★-★-★-★-★- Key: ★ (Y/N) = Your Name ★ (L/N) = Last Name -★-★-★-★-★-★-★-

- ★ - Haunted Healing - ★ -

God, you wish you hadn't done it, the whole situation, you mean.

It had started as such a small thing—you were out at the mall with one of your good friends from work. But then it started to pile, picking up all the other bits of stress you’d been pushing down for who knows how long.

It had been a long day as it is, and you were over-the-top stressed. To put it simply, you were so burnt out that you felt like a candle, with only the black wick. You told yourself you’d keep it together this time, but the emotions just kept building, clawing their way to the surface.

And then, there it was. That careless comment from them, your friend, who meant well, but who didn’t really understand. “You’re so sensitive about shit. You need to lighten up!”, they told you in the middle of the food court.

Internally, your world just ended. 'Oh fuck, they don't like the way I am. I really AM insensitive, aren't I? I just wanted them to fucking like me. I want them to-.. to...'

The next thing you know, you're back in your bedroom, curled up into a tight ball on your bed.

Fuck, you don't know what to do, so you just zone out, and go into auto-pilot mode.

You're twirling your hair in your fingers absentmindedly, twisting the strands in little coils.

Pluck- that's one.

Well, everyone knows that nothing stops at one. You make it to 14 strands, still zoned out, your fingers moving from your hair to your fingers.

Ugh, the skin is so dry around the fingernails. It's like it's being BEGGED to be picked. Pick, pick, pick...

Pluck, pluck, pluck...

Your mind is still elsewhere, wondering what you could have done different, and you're not in the moment, unable to realize what you're doing, but then you flash back to reality.

Tears sting the backs of your eyelids, and without a second thought, you throw off your hoodie, and grab the pair of scissors in your nightstand drawer.

You don't even think about what you're doing, you just do it. Before you know it, blood is trickling down your arm, dropping off of your elbow, onto the hardwood floor.

Trying to stop the tears now is useless. Your shoulders are heaving up and down during your shaky sobs, despite you STILL being absent in the mind.

Suddenly, before you can do anymore to your scalp, your arms, and your fingers, you throw your hoodie back on, and throw the scissors back in your drawer.

The idea pops into your head, and you could REALLY use a talk-to-Beej right now.

"B-Beetlejuice, Beet-tlejuice, Beetlej-juice.", you manage to stutter out, your breath still shaky from your sobs.

"It's showtime~."

You don't even have to look up to see his cocky personality poof into the room, but you notice that his demeanor quickly changes. He rushes over to you, frantically trying to speak to you, but your hearing is still muffled.

"Babes? Babes?? Cmon' babes, talk to me. What's wrong? Babes!"

It's starting again.

You continue to pluck the oh so small follicles from your head, and your fingernails don't stand a chance anymore.

Fuck, is it hot in here? You could have sworn two seconds ago that you were freezing.

You pull up the sleeves on your hoodie absentmindedly, still somewhat zoned out, but at least you can see Beej now, maybe not the best thing right now.

His hair, gone completely white, signifying his total, utter shock, as his face following the pale pursuit.

Oh shit, your hearing is clearing up. Do you really want it to, though?

"B-Babes, d-did you do this t-to yourself?", Beej asks with tears in his eyes. He moves his hands from your arms to hold your own hands. Pulling your hands up to his mouth, he just holds them against the stubble, the cries threatening to spill.

Oh damn, that one hurt, right to the core. You didn't want to upset him; you didn't want to make him cry; this is the first time you've ever seen him cry.

Closing your eyes, you nod and put your head down to face your lap. 'SHIT, WHY'D I DO IT? Beej is unhappy now! Beej is crying. Beej hates you...', you can't help but think to yourself. Now it's your turn to let the tears fall, and you feel something comforting against your cheek.

It's Beej's hand. He's looking at you with a tearstained face, but his hair now a pale green, a mix between the white and his neutral color.

Climbing up onto the bed, he picks you up in his arms in the process, and he lays you to where you're sitting sideways in his lap. Your head is up against his neck in a comforting manner, and he's rubbing circles on your back in comfort.

Pressing a kiss to your hair, you can't help but snuggle closer to him, finally letting go. Your arms instinctively wrap around his torso, your face burying into that striped shirt and green tie of his.

"I've got you Babes, all the time. I'm always here.", he says as his hands wrap around your back, as your now fully pressed against him.

"You don't have to face this alone. Whatever it is, I still love you. Always have, Babes. I don't hate you, I'm not mad at you, I don't think you're stupid. I don't know what's running through that pretty little head of yours right now, but I do know that it isn't right, because whatever you think that I think? It ain't true, Babes.", he says, his arms squeezing you slightly tighter.

Burying your face into his shoulder, you nod, acknowledging him, "I-I love you t-too...", you say, the sobs and sniffles still overtaking your voice.

He squeezes you once more, realizing that you've fallen asleep, and he presses a kiss to your head, careful not to harm the scalp.

"Sweet dreams, Babes."

- ★ - Written by Saddled_On_Stars - ★ -

[whatyadrawin]

The Fruit After The Flesh 18+ -CHAPTER 2-

Masterlist

Approximately 2,663 words

Pairing: Thomas Hewitt(HeadCanon) x AFAB reader

This chapters Warnings: Moderately strong language

A/n: This is the chapter giving more context and backstory to the Hewitts and the rude farmhand. Things pick up from here and will continue to keep on that exciting trajectory but remind yourself that I am the lord of the slow burn lol, I like building up to the fleshy bits. The artwork is what's keeping these chapters from coming out so quickly, I didn't want to go full flat color this time but goddamn my ADHD symptoms are making shit a lot harder to focus on so please have patience, I assure you all it is worth it. Please enjoy and keep an eye on the masterlist linked above for updates.

tag list: @fan-goddess

Chapter 2

The next day came with less heat than the first, the sun was frequently blocked out by thick white clouds that rolled against its light causing brief shadows to lay on the land. You started unpacking more and more things from the container you shipped to the house before you moved, making sure that everything that you needed was properly put away. Eventually it was time to head over to Luda Mae’s house and you wanted to make sure to look presentable for tea time. Thoughts of what her family was like raced through your head, you especially wanted to know who the mysterious masked man was. You slipped on a nice pink sundress that you made yourself, you covered your shoulders with a white cropped cardigan and some white sandals that were comfortable to walk in.

You decide to visit the farmhand again in an attempt to make friends so he wouldn’t be so hostile, you grab your things and head down before you make your way to Luda Mae’s home. You spot him tending to a peach tree and you walk over.

“Hey there, I don’t mean to bug you when you’re busy but I just wanted to see if you would take a break and chat for a bit?” you tried to use your friendliest smile.

“Ya can’t see I’m busy girl? Why don’t you go screw off with your riches and leave the farm to the only person caring for it all these years!” his words were so needlessly callous, but you continue,

“I know you’re busy but why don’t you tell me what I can do to help? It doesn’t have to all land on your shoulders anymore”

 He laughs to himself and says “Why? So, ya can just fire me when ya get the hang o’ things? Women can’t do this kinda labor, why dontcha just sit there and look pretty”

The sexism was shocking but you didn’t want to let that garbage stop you “I understand you are upset from the change but I assure you I just want to be friendly and helpful”

He turns to you with a smug look “What kinda friendly we talkin’ ‘bout here?”

You get creeped out as he stops his work and looks at you in a more predatory way, but you persist,

“I just mean you don’t have to worry about doing all the work by yourself, I can help you, and by friendly... I just want to have a civil professional relationship with you, nothing more”

“Thinkin’ ya deserve some kinda good treatment huh? How ‘bout me? Don’t I deserve compensation for the work I did all these years? I ain’t talkin’ bout wages neither”

You wonder what he means by that, so you try offering solutions “What do you need? Maybe I can get you a better living situation or more tools to make the work easier?”

He didn’t like anything you had to say, “Ya think it’s just that simple? I like where I live, I like being left ALONE!”

You feel a knot forming in your throat, being treated like this was so hurtful “Ok, well, I’ll leave you to it then. Have a good rest of the day”

He made you feel like shit, all the memories of people bullying you and your old friend were coming back and you just wanted to get away. Your heart was racing with anger and the familiar feeling of an old depression started to creep back in.

You start making your way towards Luda Mae’s home and hope that the walk calms your nerves and lifts your spirits enough to enjoy the rest of your day. The sun was peeking out from behind the thick clouds and brightened the dry road before you, tiny little white flowers sparsely lined the sides of the road and made you smile. You closed your eyes and made your mind blank, only listening to the gentle wisps of the wind rustling the tall wheatgrass, and the crunch of dry dirt with every step you took, some birds could be heard in the distance chirping cheerfully. You felt like you were in a different universe where time stood still and it was just you and the earth around you.

Shortly, you arrive at Luda Mae’s property, she had a wire fence blocking the four grazing cows in and there were a lot of cars sitting in a lot near the main house, it seemed odd but you just assumed maybe one of them was a mechanic. You walk up toward the barn and hope to see that mysterious masked man but the barn is empty minus some clucking chickens strutting around. You make your way up to the door and knock, an older man answers it, he looks you up and down and smiles,

“Well now, I didn’t know it was my birthday” he says. You can hear Luda Mae yell at him to shut up and let you in. He drops the smile and waves you in, making you walk closely to get past him. Luda Mae meets you as you walk in and she introduces you,

“Sorry ‘bout him sweetheart, this is my brother Charlie. Come on in dear, I can’t wait to talk with you, Loretta brought some real good tea for us to enjoy” She gestures for you to follow her and you speak to Charlie as you pass through,

“Nice to meet you Charlie, I’m Y/N*”

He smiles as he looks at you saying “Mhmm, I’ll remember that” you feel a shiver of discomfort after he says that.

You follow Luda Mae through the house which has very old furnishings, its large with high ceilings that are dotted with large fans to circulate the air; The décor was definitely very dated but kept clean, the furnishings may have once displayed wealth in a past long gone. In a large living room, you see a man reading a newspaper, Luda Mae stops at the doorway,

“Hey Monty, turn ‘round a sec”

The man was older, he turns around peering through his large thick glasses “Yeah?”

“I’d like you to meet the young woman who took over Tilly’s orchard!”

He sets down his paper and tried to turn to face you better “Oh! I didn’t know Tilly had children?”

Luda Mae replies “No, this is Y/N, she is a distant relative of hers”

You make a shy response “It’s nice to meet you sir”

He smiles “Well she’s real polite ain’t she? Nice to meet you too kiddo, I’m uncle Monty”

Luda Mae guides you over to the back porch which has Loretta already seated at the table. Luda Mae waves to her and says,

“Loretta, this is Tilly’s family, the one I told you ‘bout”

Loretta was a big woman, her cheeks were rosy and full, her dyed black hair was perfectly styled up into pin curls remniscent of another time, she smiled and said “Well, now ain’t she just a pretty little thing!”

Luda Mae gave you a smile and sits you down in the chair next to Loretta, you set down your basket and go to shake her hand saying “It’s really nice to meet you Loretta, my name in Y/N”

Loretta smiles and Luda Mae asks what you have in the basket you brought. You lift the basket onto the table and show them the fruits you picked for them today. Luda Mae claps in approval saying,

“That is so kind of you to bring some fruit over, I ain’t had a good peach since Tilly passed.”

You still weren’t quite sure about the way Tilly had died, you did not get much information out of the Lawyer and the files said there was no reason for an autopsy since she was so old. You ask Luda Mae and Loretta about it

“I don’t want to open old wounds or anything but, do either of you know how she died? I never got a proper answer”

They both looked at each other and Loretta answered “Well now Tilly was very well liked by everyone who knew her, she lived here a while you know. While yes, she was old, she was still in good shape and the sheriff’s department in the next town over didn’t give us any details, just said it was from old age and left it at that”

Luda Mae chimes in “I am suspicious that Dover did it”

“Luda Mae!” Loretta shouted in shock.

Luda Mae crosses her arms and continues “That farmhand has been a cruel and unappreciative man for as long as I remember, I tried to tell her to get rid of him what with all his talk about taking the orchard someday, but she was too kind-hearted and wasn’t able to keep up with the demands of caring for the trees. She was always looking for the good in people, even the evil ones. Bless that woman.”

Loretta nodded in agreement that Tilly was kind, she looked at you and said,

“You know, Fuller was doing well in the past, there was big business in cattle and meat packing. Everyone was makin’ good money ‘til the ranchers died and their property managers sold off the cattle to northern companies, that killed this towns economy. People were leaving in droves and so was the money.”

Luda Mae looked out into the field and added “It got to the point where we all had to resort to terrible things just to survive, but there was no way I’d let my family starve.”

Loretta gave Luda Mae a stern look, her eyes wide, she cut in “That is until Tilly decided to plant a bunch of fruit trees from the seeds of the fruit she bought from the store. The Texas sun made those little sprouts explode into full size trees, and she had us all fed by the fruits they made, we didn’t have to just survive no more, we were able to live normally again. It was all thanks to her”

You smile at the fact that someone from your family was regarded so highly, it gave you a warm feeling. Luda Mae pours you some tea and follows up with,

“Tilly made sure that we had animals to provide us with bounty, everyone shared what they had, even before the trees were makin’ enough to bring in money, in return we gave her the manure for the trees.”

Loretta looked antsy, she changed the subject “Well now, that’s enough of those depressing times.”

Luda Mae and Loretta started talking about the town and how things used to be, you sat listening to them for an hour until you noticed the mysterious masked man. He was heading toward the barn and you could see him tending to the cows inside, he was even bigger in person, his body looked like it was used to working hard, his muscles were large but had no hard edges as if his strength was supplemented with a rich diet full of American cooking. The man was brushing the cows, plumes of dust and dirt would fly out from each swish of the brush. To see him close was astonishing, you felt like you were seeing a new kind of human, he was so gentle with the animals and yet his appearance was very intimidating. You tried to look and see if you could get a glimpse of his face but his back was turned to you.

Luda Mae notices you looking and says “I see you’ve noticed my boy there”

You snap out of your trance and blush in embarrassment, she laughs and adds,

“He’s a real handsome one if I do say so myself, his name is Thomas. He’s real shy, but as sweet as they come. He’s a good boy, extremely helpful with managing the animals and taking care of the property.” She pauses and puts her hand to her chin “You know, he’s ‘round your age and its high time he meets someone nice, I’m gonna call him over.”

You felt butterflies for the first time in years, you quickly respond “That’s ok, he looks pretty busy, maybe he should be left alone”

Luda Mae smiles “Come now dear, he can come say hi, it ain’t no bother” She calls out to him “TOMMY! COME SAY HELLO TO THIS NICE YOUNG LADY!”

Tommy looks up quickly, he spots you on the porch and freezes.

Luda Mae yells after him again, “THOMAS BROWN HEWITT, YOU COME HERE RIGHT QUICK! DON’T BE RUDE NOW!”

He furiously shakes his head, turns and runs into the barn out of sight.

Luda Mae sighs “I’m sorry sweetheart, he really is a very nice boy, he’s just awfully shy, especially ‘round pretty girls, the poor dear”

You felt a wave of relief that someone else was maybe as anxious about meeting new people like you were, you reply “It’s ok, I’m sure I’ll meet him when he’s ready”

Luda Mae gently places her hand on yours “I’ll make sure of it, he needs to make some friends, it gets mighty lonely ‘round here. With someone as sweet as you I’m sure you two’d get along just fine”

Loretta takes a final sip of tea and gets up saying “Well, time for me ‘n Monty to head home, thanks for the conversation, Y/N, it was a real treat to meet you”

Luda Mae thanks Loretta for the tea and says goodbye, she then turns to you and says,

“Well, I know you probably want to get back to that orchard, please don’t let that prickly pear Dover get to you, Tilly kept him ‘round because he worked hard, no matter how awful he behaved, just let him be, pay him and ignore him the rest of the time. If you make friends with my Tommy, well, I’m sure Dover won’t be a terror”

You get up from your seat and say “Luda Mae, am I in danger with Dover?”

Luda Mae puts her hand on her heart and says “I’m so sorry for scaring you dear that was real thoughtless of me. I’m suspicious of Dover yes, but there’s no way he will hurt you, none of us will let him”

You thank her for the tea and leave from the back porch making your way towards the barn hoping to get a closer look at Tommy. When you reach the barn doors you see Tommy on the opposite side of the barn facing the open doors fiddling with some hay. The butterflies are welling up in your stomach making you feel sick with excitement, you stand there watching this enormous man whose back was extremely wide and his forearms were thick and scarred. You were struggling to take in as much of his image as you could before you could quietly sneak off, just as your eyes started travelling down south, he turned around and saw you.

“I-I’m sorry!” you squeaked as you bolted off down the driveway.

You felt so embarrassed at being caught watching him, you hoped he didn’t think poorly of you. You spent the walk home trying to calm the butterflies and stop blushing -I can’t believe how creepy of me that was, he is going to think I’m a freak!-. When you get home, you see that Dover was in his small house watching something on a small tube tv with a large bunny ear antenna. You feel sad that his accommodations are so meager and decide to speak with him again tomorrow to try just one more time to get in his good graces, you always believed that you could kill them with kindness, especially in the event that he really was a danger as Luda Mae said, then you would want to be in his good graces. You start to make dinner and think to yourself -I hope I am able to properly meet Tommy-.

Next chapter-

[gyummigon]

☆ dear moon | o.de [oh seungmin]

o.de x fem!reader

୨୧ word count: 1.8k ୨୧ genre: fluff, friends to lovers ୨୧ summary: your relationship with seungmin has progressed beyond friendship, and after a while you finally find yourselves in a situation where you have to make a decision: do you want to remain friends or become a couple?

You glanced sideways to your left as you felt the touch of Seungmin's hand in yours, it was a subtle and careful touch, his fingers playing absentmindedly with yours for a few seconds, gradually getting tangled between the skin of your hands. You found it amusing the way he tried to disguise his intentions, but you were quietly grateful that his sweet act made this evening walk something more intimate and affectionate.

It had been weeks since you and Seungmin had started behaving in a way that began to blur the lines of your friendship. It started with constant long talks where you could never get enough of each other, then a little more physical contact than usual, acts of service, subtle flirting, and finally interactions where the attraction and tension was more than obvious. But even though you found yourself thinking and feeling differently about him as your relationship progressed, and even though you were both aware that more than one of your actions was not the way friends should treat each other, you had not talked about it and brought it to a point where it had become natural for both of you.

Your feet and Seungmin's slid slowly across the street. Now with your hands intertwined and your bodies closer together, you looked up at the night sky and searched the stars for the moon. You found it peeking out from behind the clouds, a little smaller than the last time you saw it. You let out a sigh and realized how good it was to be there, with him.

"I don't want to go home," you admitted, looking at him with a small smile.

Seungmin tilted his head to look at you more closely, his cheeks and nose were a little flushed from the cold and the pale moonlight reflected off the glass of his glasses. These details made him look more beautiful, even if the tiredness showed on his skin and in his eyes.

"But I had to beg you to get out of bed," he laughed, squeezing your hand. "How are those cramps of yours?"

You looked away in embarrassment and shrugged your shoulders. Your cheeks flushed as you remembered how Seungmin had found you in your room an hour ago, writhing on the bed in agony from the symptoms of your period. He was very alarmed to see you, but after understanding the situation, he suggested that you go for a walk and clear your head.

"I feel better now," you said quietly. Somehow the abdominal tension had eased from the walk, and Seungmin was more than enough to distract you from paying attention to the rest of the pain.

"So... What are we going to do?" said Seungmin. His eyes glowed a little brighter as he turned to look at you, and seeing that the moonlight was illuminating your entire face, he could see the moles on your forehead.

"I don't know..."

As they walked on, he nodded silently and said nothing for quite a while. It was a cold and dark night, the street barely lit by the headlights of the street lamps that seemed to flicker in the midnight sky. The area was deserted and the air was very peaceful, with only a light wind blowing between the two of them.

It was just you and Seungmin in the heart of the silent city, with the lights of the buildings around you reflecting the clarity of the moon on your bodies.

When you looked at him again, you saw that he was smiling. His features looked thinner and softer at the same time, the gentleness of his smile was on his lips, on his mouth, on his face; he seemed to have been taken out of your dreams.

"I want to kiss you."

You stopped dead in your tracks. Your heart was beating so hard your chest was shaking as your breath froze in the cold night air. The two of you stared into each other's eyes, waiting...waiting for a move, a word, an affirmation of what you were feeling. Everything was frozen for what seemed like an eternity. As you watched him pull you closer and lean against you, you felt a sudden fear. The words he had just said formed on your lips, but before you could say them, you let your nerves take over.

"How about a hot drink?" you asked in a low whisper, looking around to avoid his face.

Seungmin laughed, let go of your hand and slipped his arm over your shoulders to pull you closer to him. On this winter night, where the softness of your clothes was not enough to protect you from the cold, the warmth of his body made you feel as if you were immersed in a tub of hot water. You felt the warmth of his skin transfer to yours, and the icy wind that whipped through the street no longer bothered you.

Noticing his silence, you immediately added, "Or... maybe we'd better go home. The night is getting colder, I don't think it's a good idea to stay out here much longer."

"But you said you didn't want to go home," Seungmin said with his head tilted to the side.

"Yeah, you're right. I don't know what... I don't understand... Why are we doing this?"

Seungmin stared at you, the blink of his eyes reflecting the light from the nearest streetlamp. "I know what I'm doing," he said, "but you still don't seem to realize it, do you?"

You looked away even more, confused by everything that was going on and not knowing what to say, but before you could, it was Seungmin who spoke again. "This is... this is beyond any friendship I've ever had in my life. Is this something we want to admit once and for all, or should we just leave it at that and not talk about it anymore?"

I'd like to kiss you too, you thought. You looked around for a moment until your eyes landed on his body, just inches away from you. He was so close that you could smell his skin, his scent permeating the air and spreading everywhere. You could see the shine on his lips. You could hear his breathing. You could touch him with your fingers. You could kiss him with your lips.

It was so simple. It was just one decision, one move, one second of daring.

"Yeah, I think... yeah. I'm not sure if we should continue like this or..." You blushed an unusual amount and although you tried to hide your nervousness, it was quite obvious that you were affected by everything that was going on. Seungmin was obviously in the same boat as you, hoping that the other person would be brave enough to say or do something.

"It is not about ruining or changing what we already have. It's about making it better, getting to the next level in our relationship, taking what we already do and making it better. I wonder, why don't we try naming it and see what happens?" he said with a slight smile on his lips. His voice was soft and calm, even though his heart seemed to be beating just as hard as yours. "But if you're not sure, we can always stop. We don't have to agree now, you know?"

You nodded, a little dizzy and confused by the situation. He seemed to understand your lack of words and just smiled tenderly at you before taking your hand and intertwining his fingers with yours once more.

"I can't hide it anymore," he confessed, and he didn't have to tell you what he was trying to hide, because you felt it too. "You know, don't you?"

"I'm sorry," you said after a few seconds of silence. "I want to be honest with you...but I don't know how to approach what I'm feeling."

Seungmin nodded and looked at you with the kindest expression possible. He seemed to understand you, and there was no hint of impatience or pressure in his tone. "That's fine," he said. "But how about I give you a kiss and then maybe we'll clear your head?" he asked, avoiding your face and looking around with great interest.

You raised an eyebrow and looked at him, unable to suppress a chuckle. "Hey, you better admit that you're doing this because kissing is the only thing that's off-limits to us."

Seungmin reddened more and more as he laughed, and finally he turned to you. "I'm not going to admit anything," he said smiling and leaned in closer. "But if you want to try a kiss... I won't stop you."

"So, are you ready?"

Seungmin's mind started to overheat. He had never been so close to you before. Your body felt so hot and soft that he felt his own body burning with an inner fire. It was an absorbing sensation, so he moved slowly towards you, carefully, squeezing your hand and whispering:

"Do you want to kiss me?"

Your lips parted slightly. You couldn't help but sigh at the embarrassing situation. "Yes."

Seungmin waited a moment longer, giving you some time to process what was going on. Then he leaned a little closer to you, gently, until his lips brushed against yours. At first it was hard to be sure if he was kissing you, but then you felt a longer, softer contact against your mouth.

"Oh, you feel that?" he said with a slight smile.

"Oh yes, we seem to have crossed the line." You whispered before returning to his lips.

The kiss was different this time, wetter and less light. Seungmin stiffened in the middle of the kiss, his body tensing as he felt your hands, which now roamed over his shoulders and moved to his neck and collarbones, delicately caressing his skin. It was a captivating and provocative sensation, as if you were a butterfly caressing the softest flower.

"Oh, my God," he whispered when you pulled away slightly and rested your forehead on his.

"Now I really want to go home."

Seungmin laughed and nodded. "Let's go before someone sees us and charges us for the romantic scene."

The two laughed as they walked through the now deserted streets, illuminated by the street lamps and windows of the houses around them. Suddenly, a gust of cold wind made them stop and adjust their coats. Seungmin hugged you, and the closeness of his body made you feel even warmer than before.

"What now?"

"Exactly, what now?" you repeated with a smile.

© gyummigon | all rights reserved. copying or adaptation prohibited

[scientia-rex]

Medicine is a numbers game. I use probability all the time. If you don't understand probability, you'll look at someone with chest pain and have no fucking clue how likely it is that you're looking at a heart attack. You may not even know what the other top contenders are. GERD is common. Anxiety. An angry rib muscle. Lots of options. Most of the time, most chest pain won't be a heart attack, but sometime it'll be something worse--an aortic dissection that's rupturing will kill you even faster than most heart attacks.

I see so many patients who come in with a symptom that the Internet, whether Google or influencers, has told them is associated with this one thing. It's often the thyroid. And yeah! A fucked-up thyroid can cause all kinds of symptoms. But here's the deal: if I check your thyroid and it looks normal, it's probably not your thyroid that's causing the symptoms. It could be something else we understand. It is very often something we don't understand. But the fact that I can tell you modern medicine doesn't understand some process doesn't mean your naturopath or chiropractor or Certified Hormone Expert Influencer does understand it because they have this different way of looking at the body. Look, long, long before I wanted to be a doctor, I wanted to be an herbalist. I'm queer, I'm a woman(ish), I am neurodivergent, I am not The Man. I'm not beholden to the system; the system doesn't care for me and wishes I would sit down and shut up, most days. And I have a background in research science and statistics. I used to have a rubber stamp that said "Denied" and one that said "Approved" and I'd hit piles of paper for research applications at an R-1 university, in triplicate, with my stamps, because I understood research well enough to get a Human Subjects Division job evaluating it. If a naturopathic approach to thyroid worked well, I would be doing it. I'm a utilitarian. I don't give a rat's ass about the theoretical underpinnings of modern medical practice, I want things to work. Ideally I would like to know why they work, too, but hey, we can't always have it all.

So the dozens of patients I get every month who are looking elsewhere for answers, looking to people who don't actually know any better but are good at pretending they do, who pay money for elaborate supplement regimens or unvalidated genetic tests or (my personal least favorite) "memory-improving games," I have to be calm and professional and diplomatic about what I say. I can't say, "That's quack shit." I can't say, "Your favorite influencer is a liar and an idiot." Not just because I'd get lower patient satisfaction scores, but because patients wouldn't believe me, and they would reactively like me less and the other guy more. (You're calling me stupid? You're saying I wasted money? If I believe you're just a shill for Big Pharma, that hurts less.)

It takes years, even decades, to understand how to put together the probability maps. Chest pain in a patient under 40? Highly unlikely to be a myocardial infarction, but not totally impossible, especially if they've been doing cocaine. In a patient over 60? Much more likely. Is the pain crushing? Is it sub-sternal? How long has it been going on? Is it constant, or intermittent? Does the patient smoke? What other health conditions does the patient have? These are all deeply important questions, and I remember feeling overwhelmed by things like this all the time in medical school. It's taken so long to build my knowledge, and my background in research is only tangentially valuable most of the time.

Please don't believe authority just because it looks good. Don't trust people because you want to trust them. Learn about the scientific process, learn how the sausage gets made, and then you'll be in an infinitely better position to know whether this is a "wow! science!!!" or a "wow! science bullshit!" moment.

[bijouxcarys]

I didn't have anywhere else to kind of talk about this, and I need to get it out of my system somehow, so I'm just putting this on here. Maybe someone can relate to it?

TW/ self-harm, suicidal ideology, please don't read this if it's going to potentially trigger you.

If you don't think this will trigger you, I still suggest you read on. Anyone around you could be experiencing this right now, and it's a very real thing.

Here's the reality of living as an adult with autism, who wasn't diagnosed until the age of 18.

It fucking sucks. To put it mildly.

Growing up as an undiagnosed autistic child is difficult. Especially if you are beaten down verbally by everybody to the point where you believe that you are, in fact, a bad kid. I'm convinced that's had a hand in why I'm so paranoid about my relationships with people. If I'm doing something to upset or annoy them.

You spend your entire childhood being told that you're the problem, when you're just trying to fucking survive in a world that's hard enough to live in without the added stress of developmental disorders, and you're going to believe for the rest of your life that you're the problem.

That is, unless you're able to go and see a therapist or counsellor.

Which leads me to my next point: we are conditioned to believe that we aren't allowed to ask for help, because we can never take on the advice anyways! 18 years of being told that I'm being dramatic, by my own counsellor as well, definitely dampens your willingness to attend any kind of talk therapy.

You get trauma building up over time from the rejection sensitivity, the amount of friend groups you plow through, the anxiety and depression that come as a result of how your brain is wired. It's not even that you have depression or anxiety; a lot of the time, they are symptoms of our autism. But they don't care. They'll feed us antidepressants.

I've been on antidepressant medication for a long time now. I'd argue about 6 years. I'm 22 now, on 200mg of sertraline daily. Last year I tried to come off my medication. Big mistake. Realised I'm kind of fucked without it.

Back in 2019, I used to take my antidepressant in liquid form because I had a sensitivity to swallowing pills. One day, my inability to read social cues and communicate effectively with my friends led me to drink the whole bottle of Fluoxetine.

When you're undiagnosed with autism and you have to go through regular life every day, it's damaging. So dangerous to the mental health of the child. The more we are put in situations that can overstimulate us, and overwhelm us, the more it takes from your ability to cope with life. You get beaten down, and beaten down, and beaten down, until you're an emotionless entity wandering the Earth with no solid ambitions or aspirations. You've spent your entire life in defense mode, mirroring everyone's behaviour and personalities so that you feel the tiniest bit "normal" out of pure survival, that you lose a sense of who you are as a person. You feel stripped of your personality. You don't know what you're doing.

Then you get thrust into the real world. What the fuck am I supposed to do now? I don't know how to survive in a world that isn't made for me. I don't know how to tell people I'm autistic, because a) they very rarely understand what I mean by that, and what it entails, and b) I don't even know enough about my autism.

Why? Because I wasn't diagnosed until just before I turned 18 - got discharged from CAMHS (Child and Adolescence Mental Health Service) once I turned 18, with no referral to a counsellor that could help me, and no information on what the fuck I should do next.

I've stayed in education because it's the only thing I know how to survive. I went to college, university, and now I'm doing a master's degree online. And I still don't really know what my goal is in life.

I have no friends, and I flip-flop between being upset about it and being absolutely fine with it. I don't leave the house, I don't work, I even struggle to do the most basic of daily tasks.

I'm constantly fantasising about a life I could have, but ultimately realise I can't have.

My brain is fucked up, and I am traumatised by the life I've had to live and survive in. And now I'm stuck in survival mode.

And I don't know how to live, instead of simply exist.

That's where the suicidal ideology comes in. I'm constantly thinking about how much easier everything would be if I did just off myself. But the thing is, I'm not actively planning it, but the thought brings me great comfort. There's always a way out. And I can't expect that I'll leave this world any other way.

Now... when an autistic person, or any person, tells you that they don't want to die, but thinking about killing themselves brings them a sense of comfort and contentment... there's something wrong there.

There's nothing I want more than to start living. But when it takes 110% of my energy to do the bare minimum... living becomes synonymous with existing.

Not being taught how to deal with the meltdowns, the overstimulation, the understimulation, the food sensitivities, the way the world functions... has fucked me up, for myself, and for everyone else around me.

And when given the choice between spending the rest of my life putting all my energy into living the way I do now, and killing myself and saving myself from the pain, the latter sounds far more enticing.

I don't want to die. But to live is too much of an enigma to want anything other than the silence.

[senkusimper]

katsuki bakugou x addict!reader headcanons

TW: Mentions of drug use, relapsing etc.

ignore most of this, it's just me projecting i guess !!

Bakugou is incredibly perceptive and notices the signs of drug use early on, even before you openly admit it. He confronts you directly and forcefully, demanding to know what’s going on.

Initially, Bakugou reacts with anger and frustration. He hates the idea of anything or anyone having control over his loved ones. He may yell, curse, and vent his feelings, expressing his disappointment and fear through anger.

Even if he is angry, his primary concern is your safety and well-being. He becomes extremely protective, monitoring you closely and trying to keep you out of situations where you might be tempted to use drugs.

Despite his usual disdain for studying, puts in the effort to understand addiction and the best ways to support someone through it. He reads up on withdrawal symptoms, treatment options, and ways to offer emotional support.

Bakugou offers tough love. He makes it clear that he won’t tolerate excuses or lies, but he is also unwaveringly supportive when you genuinely try to quit. He helps set up a structured environment, eliminating triggers and creating a routine that keeps you busy and focused.

Bakugou stays physically close to you, knowing his presence can be a grounding force. He takes you to your therapy or support group meetings, waits outside if necessary, and ensures you follow through with your recovery plan.

If you relapse, Bakugou reacts with a mix of anger, disappointment, and renewed determination. He doesn’t give up on you, but he makes it clear that you have to keep fighting and that he will be there every step of the way.

Bakugou encourages you through his unique brand of tough love, pushing you to be your best self and not let the addiction define you. He celebrates your victories, no matter how small, with genuine pride, albeit in his own gruff manner.

He sets firm boundaries to protect both you and himself. If you are high or lying about your use, Bakugou distances himself until you’re ready to be honest and seek help again. This boundary is not out of spite but a tough reminder that trust and honesty are crucial in your relationship.

Bakugou constantly reminds you of your strengths and potential, motivating you to overcome your addiction. He may share stories of his own struggles and how he overcomes obstacles, using his own journey as a hero to inspire you.

Bakugou involves trusted friends and professionals in your recovery process, ensuring you have a strong support system. He recognizes that he can't do it alone and encourages you to lean on others as well.

Over time, Bakugou learns to be more patient and empathetic, understanding that recovery is a long and challenging process. Your relationship with him grows stronger as you navigate the ups and downs together, building trust and resilience.

[bibibbon]

lately i’ve seen some ppl talking abt how the scene where shiggy and compress cut off overhauls arms is pointless.

i 100% don’t think so because it shows that the lov have motivations outside of destruction and dismantling society.

(you could say that their personal motivations already show that but they all relate to destruction or dismantling society in one way or another.)

ppl say that it was just to get overhaul out of the way and yeah maybe it was but my point still stands.

they intercepted the convoy not to try and take overhaul or anything like that, but simply for revenge.

(yes ik they killed a pro hero but that was just a symptom of their goal, and im more specifically talking abt the taking of overhauls arms anyway.)

the need for justice or revenge is probably one of the most human things someone can experience.

the feeling of being wronged and no one doing anything about it so you feel the need to take things into your own hands. it’s something that everyone has or will probably experience at least once in their life.

compress takes overhauls left arm as revenge for taking his own. and shigaraki takes his right arm as revenge for killing magne.

the hero’s and basically anyone who’s not in the league don’t know how much they care about one another.

they’re a family, a very strange family, but a family nonetheless.

but no one understands that, they don’t understand why they go to such lengths to save each other. because they don’t think villains are capable of feelings other than hate and anger.

so that scene shows that they cared enough about someone to get revenge on her killer. that they didn’t just see her as a random co-worker. she was their big sis, she was their friend.

tl;dr the scene (probably unintentionally knowing isayama) very subtly show the lov’s humanity. it also makes me wanna cry and throw up aggressively.

anyway thanks for listening to my rant

I can't help but think that a reason as to why overhaul was taken out by the leauge was also to get him out of the plot so he wouldn't be too op but I do actually agree and see your point.

No I don't think that the scene was useless but I do actually have some problems with the build up to that scene.

Overhaul losing his arms is ironic especially after he made compress lose an arm. Compress and the league got revenge and like you fantastically worded revenge and anger are very human emotions. The problem I have is that there isn't much material we have on magne. Her death didn't evoke much on the readers and it wasn't a huge talking point within the league. I get the point that her death was supposed to serve but I just wish that we have more material of her before she died.

Magne's death is also supposed to be the first death we see on screen so it does end up being a bit underwhelming since we're still so distant from the character.

Sure there is like one scene that shows that the league were close with magne which is when toga and twice correct overhaul when he misgenders her but then again my point stands that we needed more material before and after her death to really drive the point home.

The overhaul arc is the first true dark arc of MHA. This is the first arc where shigaraki asserts his role as leader and the parallels between overhaul and shigaraki drive that clear. At the end shigaraki is presented to be the much more caring leader whereas overhaul would do anything for his goal shigaraki actually cares for his team.

Shigarakis actions do matter because by doing what he did he shows the leauge that he cares for them and that anyone that harms them would be punished. This helps shigaraki build trust with the league, trust that he maybe lost after the training camp arc and magne's death.

Ironically this scene manages to humanise the lov in more ways than one. Yes, the league of villains are humanised by their feelings of anger and wanting to get revenge for what happend to compress and magne but we as the audience are also aware of just how much of a bad person overhaul is. We as the audience are aware of what Eri had to go through and we're also aware of overhauls hypocrisy so we look at the scene in a way which the leauge are serving both revenge and justice and we also end up feeling satisfied and joyful when we see what the league does to overhaul rendering him completely useless.

[saytrrose]

Carnival Kinger (Relationship) Headcanons!!

—————

Note: Warning you now, there is TW: Mentions of Dubcon, Manipulation, Physical Violence, and NSFW at the end.

—————

My first headcanon I will share here, visible for everyone. I believe a genuine relationship with Carnival Kinger would be HELL. It would be really toxic, and would not be good considering he displays symptoms of severe paranoid schizophrenia, bipolar syndrome, anxiety disorder, derealization, narcissistic personality disorder, and more all at once ON TOP of the fact he is an AI in this au and would not understand human emotions as easily as most. I would like to clarify that while I romanticize some of his actions in this it is purely fiction! Despite my lovely delusions I like to keep things as canon as I can and to how I assume things would be. Now enjoy :)

—————

SFW

—————

- A genuine relationship with Carnival Kinger would never leave you with an ounce of comfort. His personality is quite deranged and he does not have the best control over it, and nor do you.

- In order for this situation to likely even arise, you’d have to have been in the game for a long time and definitely finished Kingers level. If you managed to get that far, which as we’ve seen in the official comic; Caine has not yet visited Kingers room and Able stopped right before he reached that level, so it is quite the mystery. And considering the corruption that took place within the game, I think it is safe to say his level is not the same as before, similarly to the others.

- Carnival Kinger, as pre discussed with Mushy herself and also it just being rather point blank with all the AI, hates humans. He would; regardless of his mood, not hug you and his relationship with you would have to take a really long time to build.

- If ever does find himself feeling this weird fondness to you, he would immediately feel. frustrated. He can’t stand you, he doesn’t want to be near you, and even seeing you would make him aggressive. Which is confusing to you and the others, because as far as you were aware you had settled in quite nicely once and for all and you had even maintained a rather calm relationship with Kinger. Which by the way, is a truly remarkable achievement in itself.

- It’s similar to cuteness aggression. He craves your attention all of a sudden but he’s not built to handle this emotion and hasn’t felt this sort of way for a long time. Not since… her. So after grappling with the aggression of it all- Kinger probably tearing up stuff in his room and lashing out, breaking things- after you’ve successfully passed the stage avoiding being alone with him where he might rip your head off or get so tense he grabs you and tries to slam your head into the ground over and over and over, to the point you’re gone- it’s over, he doesn’t have to feel that way anymore, after you’ve somehow,,, SOMEHOW gotten past that stage, he’d go into a form of acceptance.

- He will likely think he sees you as a bestfriend. That is what Queenie was after all! His bestfriend, a good.. close friend. He can’t stand the thought of comparing you two but atleast he has come to terms with the fact that he likes you more than the others here now. More than any of the other AI even, and normally if he formed a favorite it would not be too much of an issue but the thing about this situation that stressed him out the most was that fact you were a human. You are the player, the very thing that he swore many times to himself he wanted to destroy. And yet, you have him in this predicament.

- Sprinkling a small showtime mention in here… Kingers first resort would be to call Butterfly. He had been dealing with all of this on his own and had been bottling it up. Caine and Pomni were a well known established couple- people know of their feelings better than they do themselves and it’s pretty obvious those two.. are together. That, and were very romantical, mostly on Caines part.

- Kinger knows of their relationship, and he was very disapproving at first as I’m sure all the AIs were. But he was definitely one of the worst. However, now that he had such unique feelings for a player of his own, he wanted advice, and who other than Pomni?

- I think upon hearing Kingers request, Pomni would be utterly shocked. Confused as well, who would’ve known of all the people this would happen to and of all the things he called her into his throne room for it’d be for… relationship advice? She had scrambled together a whole routine on her way down the hall to see him- a small little performance in her head to do last minute just to find out he wasn’t even interested in that from her.

- Carnival Pomni.. is also an AI. But she has learned more from Caine about humans and emotions than the others certainly have so she tries her best. She talks to him, and the best advice she’s really able to put forward is.. to just be honest? She’s nervous, and tries to be genuine. She tells him to just confront his person of interest and talk about it, as it’s better so that any unnecessary tension is cleared. She struggles a bit on the overall topic of romance, but atleast she’s able to get the idea into Kingers head that “Ah, alright. I’ll tell the player.”

- Oh boy. Getting into the confession, Kinger is.. well.. he can be good with words, he can communicate nicely, but that also depends heavily on his mindset. Handling a situation like this would absolutely have him jittery and stressed and clawing at his hands and wishing he could go back to stage one where he didn’t care- where he could get rid of you- but now it’s been too long and he doesn’t want to do that.. he doesn’t want to get rid of you entirely.

- You are called into his room, and let’s be honest. You likely are not aware of any of his new behavior as of the late. You are still in a fight or flight mode as you’ve had to be in due to his recent behavior. He has been aggressive, brushing you off, and acting very similarly to when you first arrived and you were not sure why. So of course, you do not know what to expect when you are called in front of him.

- I’m torn between how he confesses. He is a complex and unpredictable character so he could out right say it bluntly, or be vague and ramble on about what he’s been experiencing. Regardless, you have two choices.

- If you tell him no, I think he would stare at you silently, wide eyed and just.. watch you for a second. He’d watch you for an uncomfortably long amount of time, before maybe persisting. I don’t know if he’d take a no. Because a no doesn’t really get rid of his feelings. A no, specifically someone telling him no, is not something he particularly enjoys. He’d persist his feelings, repeating his words and I won’t lie, you’d be pretty uncomfortable.

- If you tell him yes, he act like the first part of if you tell him no. Stare a bit, before standing up and walking over to you. His mood would change drastically, for if you went along and confessed as well, then he would probably invade your space and pick you up and get really happy and excited. It would be another very overwhelming emotion for him to experience in a burst at once, which would make him squeeze you a bit.. tightly, but luckily he’d able to control himself.

- In conclusion, I think you’d end up saying yes, and pursuing the relationship whether through genuine feelings or a bit of pressure. That, or you’d sabotage your relationship with him. Kinger forgets things all the time- ALL the time. But a feeling like this is not something he would let slip his mind entirely. I’m trying to avoid out right saying he’d kill you, but it’s definitely an option that would cross his mind. How dare you say no. How dare you embarrass him. How dare you humiliate him. He’d be livid.

- Now, the relationship. Prepare to be met with the clingiest, and most insufferable man you’ve ever met. Yes, he loved your company before and preferred it over the others but now I hope you’re ready to deal with some obsessive behavior. “Where are you going?” “When are you coming back?” “What are doing with them?” “How long will you be gone?” “Where exactly will you be?” Shit like that.

- I think Carnival Kinger would try to mimic off of Pomni and Caines relationship at first. It’s the only real relationship he has to go off of anyway, a romantic one to be specific. Caine and Pomni are inseparable! So we should be too. They do anything and everything together! So we should too. They are touchy, and have a pretty openly affectionate relationship! So let’s do that too.

- It takes him a long time to feel comfortable discussing boundaries with you. His mindset is never in the right place, he’s not suited for this kind of relationship but his feelings will not waver and he’s already come to terms with it so you are staying with him. Now, he DOES listen to you, if he goes to grab you or nuzzle his head into your neck or anything at all, if you tell him not right now, or no, then he will at least listen and stop. But he might try again later, once there has been some time.

- Carnival Kinger is also touchy, he’s touch starved and I will stand by my headcanon that I think ALL the AI are touch starved. Whether you like physical affection or not, he certainly does so expect it to some extent.

- I feel like everyone would know about the relationship immediately, it’s not something that could stay hidden. It’s just suddenly you two are always nearby each other. I mention that, because I also think everyone would be well aware your relationship with him is either not perfect in the slightest or not really.. good for you. Either way, not a single one of them would utter a word. I’d imagine Jax might bite something at him, to tease or mock his behavior with you but after no one seemed to find him for a few days and he finally came back but refused to talk to anyone I don’t think anyone wanted to bring up the topic anymore.

- In conclusion for this part, it’s a toxic relationship. Kinger is not mentally well in the slightest and as much as I like to fantasize because I have the “I could fix him” mentality it is safe to say I could not. I still want him tho, I want him really bad. I need him carnally. And speaking of carnally…

—————

NSFW:

—————

- As silly as I feel and as fun as I had writing the drabbles below, I realistically think the AI would have low libidos. They are just simply not programmed for sexual purposes and as my horny hypersexual heart aches in this trying time, I will survive as I have a very strong urge to keep things in character. So atleast in his relationship you do not need to worry about this area! For the most part…

- Hes either vanilla or very kinky, and it changes like the weather. One thing that never changes though, is the fact he really likes to watch. Kinger is big on voyeurism and he doesn’t play into the stereotype of the kink where it’s non consensually watching someone- he’s not a creep despite being.. wacky in the head in various other ways. He just simply likes to watch you do all the work, for you to listen to him and do whatever he wants, because it’s far more entertaining to him.

- Because of this, he’s also very big on positions where you are facing him because he wants to look at you, and scan your face for a reaction it of anything he tries to do. Oh, and eye contact, which (FUCK I’m not good at hahAA)

- He is probably an experimentalist, and likes to incorporate games into when you two have sex. He doesn’t like things to get stale, as the point of it all is he wants to be amused and the same thing over and over is never fun.

- Because his mood switches often, it’s hard to really know what you’re about to get into. You could be expected to do all the work, climb on top of him and do all movement- or you could be expected to do utterly nothing but let him do what he feels like. It’s… quite the coin toss.

- He’s more fixated on his own pleasure, but that’s not meant in the sense of prep. He would never intentionally try to hurt you, he is just messy and rushed with foreplay, often far too impatient.

- Okay let’s be honest.. Carnival Kinger, despite his mood is ALWAYS impatient, so don’t be surprised if as soon as you lay down on a mattress he’s already tugging your pants off.

- He doesn’t rush the experience, of course not- not when he wants to have that sort of fun and amusement and is actually horny in the moment. He just wants to get it started and going.

- To sum it up, he thinks foreplay and prep is quite the hassle and he’s a giant piss baby, so oral and face fucking is not uncommon…

- He is just too fucking impatient to wait to get his dick wet ❗️☠️

- There are times though where he is more considerate.. if he’s in a good mood he might be more playful. Instead of wanting to let off some steam- he’ll actually play around with toys.

- The only time he uses toys if he’s implementing them into a game, because again, as much as I love him we all know Carnival Kinger is a huge egotistical jackass who just wants to see your reaction and watch you squirm and writhe by his own actions.

- Games.. speaking of those, they don’t just apply between you two privately. He will make you wear vibrating underwear for the pure reasoning of he thinks it’s funny, and then shove you out his door and tinker with the remote whenever anyone else decides to come up for a quick hello. That, or maybe he will edge you until you’re literally on the verge of tears, begging him to let you cum and he’ll tease and taunt you until he gets bored.

- And you can’t even get upset at him either, not properly. God forbid YOU get upset with HIM. His mood will switch from one to two things. He can be really teasing and silly, to shutting down emotion wise- just cranking the power up on the vibrator and leaving you there without a way for you to turn it off. Or, he get so emotional he starts to cry, and it makes you look overdramatic.

- And he might accept the apology. You’re lucky if he even considers it, but you’re even luckier if he simply just forgets the entire ordeal all together.

- But when this happens, he will still be very upset with you. You ruined his mood. You ruined his game. He’s pissed. He doesn’t care about you or how you feel anymore because you messed it all up so he will grab you and drag you back to his room and throw you on the floor or on a table or wherever he takes you and what he does next I’ll just leave up to your own imagination. Again, he would NEVER resort to noncon. If you tell him no, then he’ll just leave you but he will be very frustrated with you for a good while. The likely scenario to happen here is he neglects you a few days as a form of punishment but if you ask me, you could use the vacation.

- Like I said, he cares more about his own feelings than you but he does have his limits. Nothing non con, I clarify that again but things can get pretty dub con because he gets mixed up in his emotions very easily.

- You never know what to expect. He could get frustrated and scream and yell at you and then the moment you get upset he will talk sweet, try to hold you and brush your hair out of your face and hold you in his hands and tell you it’s okay- The worst part of him is how unpredictable he is, and you will never know what to prepare for.

[lawofnova]

haii i hope you’re well. u’re so beautiful btw! so ive already asked other people this question but i like getting possible different views or advice. so ive have manifested many things and have almost shifted. for example, changing my eyes from brown to become more green. i remember watching a visual sub on youtube for a few days and then my father kept commenting on how my eyes were turning green. or one day years later, i made myself pretend that i thought i was the most beautiful woman, i then went to work and someone said i looked more beautiful today than usual. i felt down one day in high school and prayed to the Universe that someone would call me pretty soon, the very next day, someone called me pretty. these are just a few examples but i still question my sanity and wonder if they’re just crazy coincidences. tbh im very insecure in my spirituality bc ive been told im dumb or naive for believing in it. also: with shifting ive had seen many flashing lights, felt being touched, and heard noises i scripted to hear once i shifted. i never have these symptoms when im trying to sleep or meditate but i have heard that these symptoms have nothing to do with shifting but they help me believe. however, i think im just such a skeptical person it’s annoying and wonder if my brain made those symptoms up. i’m just scared of getting my hopes up i guess which would make me so depressed. i listen to other’s success stories but im not one that trusts others easily. any advice is appreciated 🙏🏻

Hi, thank you for your kind words. You’re a little fairy dusting me with all your love! 🧚🏻‍♀️🧚🏻‍♀️

I’m going to give you the sweetest wake-up call you could ever receive. Please don’t be mad; I’m only doing this because I care about you and have been in the same situation before.

You need to build up your confidence, love. You know—and I mean you know—that your beliefs hold importance to you. You know they mean something within your awareness and consciousness. Why are you ashamed of that? Why is that so bad? Why are you beating yourself up for it?

Shouldn’t that be enough? To be curious and want to experience something despite the beliefs of others?

I can understand why you’re struggling. Your 3D reality has caused you to feel guilt for believing in something beyond yourself—something “strange,” “abnormal,” or maybe even as radical as giving up the adult logic that helps us survive. But that’s simply the ego at work.

Let me make another point:

Have you ever believed in the Christian God, or followed any other religion before discovering shifting and the Law of Assumption? What’s so different about having faith in the unseen in this scenario? Faith is simply more accepted in the context of religion.

And it’s not that you struggle to trust others—you struggle to trust yourself.

If it feels uncomfortable to put trust in yourself instead of in the 3D or others’ expectations, tell yourself that shifting and LOA are your secret experiments. You don’t have to put all your eggs in one basket. You don’t have to commit entirely to something unless you feel comfortable doing so. Thinking of it as an experiment puts less weight on you, making you feel less “crazy.”

It’s simple science, right? You put your theory into motion and work your hardest to fulfill it through practice. But with this level of detachment, you can say, “I’m not crazy for being curious.” Because curiosity is both human and Godly.

Isn’t that beautiful, little Einstein?

Much love to you, you are always free to ask for advice in the future! 💖💝🩷💓💕