#i know its late and yeah. i was right
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ATTENTION ALL ALASTOR SHIPPERS:
uniromantic
THANK YOU FOR YOUR TIME. PROCEED
#it means you only experience romantic attraction to one person in your life ever!!#some people get their only crush SUUPER late#sooo a few decades or centuries works out fine :3#just as long as it's not a poly ship lmao.. two crushes makes you NOT uni because. uni. like. u know ur root words right#also IT IS NOT “fixing” one's aroness it is an aro identity of its own and not superior to any other identities !!!#just saying that bc fandoms fucking suck#anyway i think it'd be cute. especially with his disgust for even platonic affection. tryna be all intimidating#then THAT all of a sudden?? the agony. such silly billy blissful agony. not blissful for him but for the viewers of his suffering like us#tehe#uniromantic alastor#arospec alastor#aro alastor#alastor#hazbin hotel#FML what if i secretly put a hamburger emoji in tags 🍔 yeah that's right fuck you society#radioapple#radiostatic#duckiedeer#charlastor#what other fucking ships are there uhhhhh#idfk i headcanon him as full-on stereotypical aro whatever you call that i don't even do this bullshit#voxal#radiodust#alastor x oc#i think i am cringe.#i sincerely believe i am cringe and terrible. mayhaps social anxiety. who tf knowssss#P.S. as long as HE is not the one with multiple crushes i know polycules are whack#but ofc he could be grayro but where's the fun in that (there is lots of fun in it i am sorry)#radiorose
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Prompt 21
This past winter, Geralt grabbed a tower of books from the library and holed himself up in his room for practically the entire season. Eskel walks in one night, intent on just checking in on his brother, only to poke around and find that every book that Geralt is painstakingly studying is medical books, from how to deal with a sore throat to the most rarest of diseases. Eskel asks Geralt why he needs to know all of this, worried Geralt might be losing his mutagen-induced healing factor?! Is he getting sick!? Are his wounds not healing over time!? Oh GODS! Oh nvm- Geralt says he's fine :) He's reading all of this because... He met a human bard he wants to keep safe? Odd... Especially for Geralt... But whatever makes his brother happy! I just want a scene after some nice gay brotherly teasing that's like "Ow- Oh no.. Geralt, my arm was scratched by a branch. Hold on, I need to-" And geralt is like FROTHING and is like "WE NEED BANDAGES, THREAD, A NEEDLE, DISINFECTANT, NUMBING SOLUTION, AND I KNOW FOURTEEN DIFFERENT NATURALLY MADE POULTICES I CAN MAKE, AND I KNOW A HELPFUL SPELL A HEDGEWITCH CAN CAST AND-" "It's just a scratch, Gera-" "SHIT, SIT DOWN, I GOTTA FIX MY HUMAN BEFORE HE DIES AND I LOSE ONE OF THE ONLY GOOD THINGS IN MY LIFE"
#fanfiction prompts#geralt x dandelion#geralt x jaskier#geraskier#witcher fanfiction#the witcher#geralt loves his bard!#writing prompts#requited unrequited love#friends to lovers#Worried Geralt#protective geralt#good husband geralt#I STAYED UP REALLY LATE READING FANFIC SORRY IF THIS IS SHIT#Also my best friend randomly found this account (i told him about it without any censorship and made no attempt to hide it at all)#so everyone say hi to him#yeah thats right#i see you there you gay fuck#I KNOW YOURE HERE#READING THIS SHIT#HOW ABOUT YOU ANSWER MY TEXTS AND PLAY BALDURS GATE WITH ME ALREADY?#gonna eat some bagels and pass teh fuck out#its 430 am and usually yk i am chilling lik ea villain at tis tme of night but tonight i am the very tired gorl#gorl (?)#i am a “gorl” but deep down#I am a ball of gas with thousands of eyes and wings that makes a low ominous humming noise and vultures follow#i am LOOKING at you with my EYES#I just think geralt could love his bard a little and his bard could find it sweet (and maybe a little exasperating)
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My farmer arc
#yeah its way to late in the year to be hatching but this is florida where crackheads and repu-#anyways it doesnt get truly cold until january and they will be fully feathered by then#they have a mom#and she is UH WARM#shes a silkie so you know brooding powerhouse#my mom's silkies actually#these guys arent mine but she dont mess with them and Sarah wanted to brood on a clutch so i let her#FIRST TIME TOO SHE DID GREAT the other 3 eggs are a little younger so they will probably pip tomorrow#only one death and it was from an unobsorbed yolk#being medicated has been fucking fantastic i have a normal relationship with the internet so far and i have been like....idk healtheir?#still haveing heath problems like CURRENTLY RIGHT NOW AS IM TYPING IM IN PAIN but like overall mental health is FANTASITC i dont feel manic#anymore at all its just nice and good and ive gotten out of the years long brain fog ive had for the most part it seems#sorry for the turbo haiatus but i said before i post on my own terms for drwwings and comic#i have to thank you all with being very patient with me so eveeyone gets a cute Chick picture
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saw a post last night complaining that the sound of music film and its popularity contribute to the "universalization of the holocaust" and that by depicting an austrian catholic gentile family's opposition to the nazi regime instead of being about jews, it paints some kind of false picture of who the nazis' real targets were. and i'm sorry but that is such a narrow minded, externally motivated reading of the film/musical. and i say this as a jew who broadly agrees that holocaust universalization and the sidelining of "the jewish problem" (as it was known in that era) in film and media is a genuine and pervasive problem. the sound of music...that is really not the right target for your ire, my friend
#sasha speaks#like yeah it is annoying when people spam reblog that gif of georg ripping up the nazi flag right after posting antisemitism#that sucks and i wish it wasn't do prevalent. i also wish antisemitism in general were not so prevalent but yknow.#baby steps or whatever.#but anyway it's not the sound of music's fault that people are using that gif a bunch but misunderstanding nazism#and its specific primary targeting of jews (and romani)#A. i actually don't think it's invalid or bad to show stories about gentiles being threatened by/opposing nazism.#that Was a real thing that happened. the trapp family were in fact real people even if their story is somewhat fictionalized#in the musical#it takes place in 1938. therefore before the holocaust proper had begun#(not that persecution of jews wasn't already a huge thing. the november pogrom was the same year of course.)#but even while racial hatred of jews and romani Was the primary characteristic of nazism and should be recognized and depicted as such#it is not misleading or distracting to also depict the real experience of white gentiles who were threatened by nazism#like. one drop in the bucket. two cakes. whateved#also. and this feels so blatantly obvious to me i shouldnt need to spell it out but.#B. the sound of music was written by two jews in the late 1950s.#it's...it's just not. it's not an example. of a bad faith depiction of wwii/its lead up#sometimes stories are about other things. even when the authors could have made it about more personal subjects to themselves#and the era in which it was created had a very different attitude towards and contrxt for depictions of wwii (& preceding) in media#if you want to get mad at people misinterpreting a musical about the rise of nazism go look on twitter or tiktok for cabaret discourse...#now that's an audience that knows how to miss the gddamn point
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@fushiglow hmm….wonder who i’d draw this for all of a sudden and why… 🤔🤔
#your reblog surprised me#THREE BUNS SUGURU (STAR WARS ER JUST FOR YOU!)#theyre covering riko or smt and smuggling her places (??)#drawing this i was like ‘oh suguru’s curses in a star wars environment should be robots and stuff#so this suguru is a mecanic (he makes them from scrappy parts people have thrown out#and trash materials (and hard work 😎)#diy pokemon#because what is the cursed energy people are letting out if not junk theyre letting go of#so yeah ; basic geto takes shit and turns it useful#i do realise thats already very generic for star wars (junk robots junk robots!) but like. yknow. this guy takes shit people wouldnt bother#trying to sell. miam. junk of the junk. geto my favourite recycling bin you were designed for a luxurious lifestyle clearly (gege not me!)#(and stuff…………. but im lazy to put my vision in words rn hah..)#gojo’s probably a princess#(let’s not lie. hes basically a prince already (clan heir is a different look on him))#this made me want to write ?.??#problem is i dont remember much about star wars (watched it as a kid (we have the cds) appart from the very basic storyline… i forgot 😔#then theres the jawa’s first appearance cuz for some reason they scared me and i am marked for life (THEYRE JUST SILLY LITTLE GUYS 😭😭))#thankfully i lowkey want to rewatch everything so these issues can be fixed#(unthankfully either way the chance of me writing anything is very slim BUT WE NEVER KNOW RIGHT)#(hashtag diverging your attention from that other older post is it working /j/j)#omg glo i still didnt read balance (i think of it from time to time but im intimidated to read it because i know its right up my alley and#that i will love it and lately idk why but i need to ready myself emotionally to read peak fiction (this is so dumb but its true 😭😭))#my bad im rambling lol#WAIT FUCK SAME THING FOR BUNNY’S RECENT THINGY THAT GOT IN MY AO3 UPDATE MAIL#A LOVE STORY TOLD THROUGH THE LENS OF A THIRD PARTY MY BELOVED#(itsg ive searchef for these types of stories in advanced search before#AND NOW THAT I HAVE SOME BY AUTHORS I ALREADY ADORE .. IM- I SEE THEM BUT. THEIR CONTENTS STAY A MYSTERY. IS THIS MY BODY SUBCONSCIOUSLY FI#FIGHTING THE TEAR LOSS I WOULD GET??? IS THIS MFING [BALLING-MY-EYES-OUT] PREVENTION !? WITHOUT MY PERMISSION..!? TCH!)#my bad. ramble again o7 — see ya glo !#wip
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Well.
#(I'm back)#It was. Uhm. A chapter#First of all: I'm ENDLESSLY GRATEFUL to the person who sent me the translation basically as soon as the chapter came out.#I even did like 90% of typesetting but didn't finish it because I had to go out#(aka with my friends were literally knocking out at my room and I couldn't make it any more late lol)#Mixed feelings about it? Mostly because there's so much exposition... I'll need to reread it another three times before it sinks in#The color page is AMAZING 10000000000000/10 I love my sskks so much they're so cute I love them so much they're so cute.#Easily the best part of the chapter.#The color page was? Very very pretty too? Like a lot more than usual if you ask me! I can't wait for the volume cover 🥺🥺#It should come out soon shouldn't it? Usually color spreads / pages open the volume...#Akutagawa fake dying again is funny. Like it isssss but also. Idk it's a little lame how we're changing the pov from ss/kk again :/#I can't even tell if I'm being biased or if it's an actual storytelling critique. I don't care right now I just want to see Akutagawa–#being cool rather than. You know. Dead on the ground.#That said! It's also very funny and touches my sense of humor precisely.#Like yeah Akutagawa being like the second strongest pm member and overall one of the most powerful ability user in the world–#that everyone fears (and I know he is! He is indeed for real!)#And yet he always ends up face to the ground 😂😂😂 Like if we don't count the ss/kk fights he literally only ever won against Hawthorne.#And even then he failed to kill him and Mitchell. It's so funny to me. I love him. He's so pathetic#“Wow! Akutagawa is so cool and invincible now!” *ends up biting the dust not even two chapters later*#It's okay because I love him. He's very very powerful and he's also very very pathetic I love that for him#That said :/ I don't really care about Fukuzawa :/ Idk :/ Like :/#Don't get me wrong I LOVE Fukuzawa (I don't. I'm mostly neutral towards him) but this is the ss/kk moment man :/ Whatchu doin#That's about it. Let's see what the next chapter brings!#Everything accounted for I'm glad there wasn't like. A ss/kk kiss or any other big big ss/kk moment#(although Atsushi admiring Akutagawa and thinking about his eyes has its fair share of neatness to it!!)#Because with everything going on this evening I really would have been let down to miss it#But I keep hope for the next chapters!! Please...#random rambles#Had tons of fun typesetting! Even though I don't think there's a point in posting it now. But would love to do it again in the future!#bsd spoilers
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People who are censoring Emma Corrin at the Nosferatu premieres are the worst!
I’m not going to comment this on the Instagram post I’m referring to, because I’m not going to instigate anything hostile on that platform specifically because it’s not worth it, but to whoever you are, you’re so frustrating.
For anyone confused, here is what Emma wore to the Nosferatu premiere in London a few nights ago. A gorgeous Victorian-nightgown esque dress that compliments the one they’re seen wearing in the trailer. (Also their makeup was chefs kiss, 10/10, no notes.)
Today I was just checking my Instagram, and I came across an account that decided it was up to them to dictate how this wonderful actor was perceived on the red carpet…for a film they play an important role in…
First of all, what on earth is this? In the world we live in, in the situation the western political scale is falling right now, do you seriously deem it appropriate for you to pick and choose how this person is allowed to be perceived on a red carpet event for a movie they worked hard on??
Do you seriously think it’s appropriate for you to censor someone’s body, which is their form of expression and statement, because of a personal, borderline outdated, opinion? If Emma’s style choice is not to your taste (which is a bigoted take anyway because a quick scroll will show you the shirtless Bill photos on this account, so wonderful, you’re just ignorant), then…crop Emma out if that’s something you don’t want on your blog? Like I’m sorry there is absolutely no need for this. It’s so, so, so disrespectful.
I completely understand that this account belongs to a person, and they are within their right to decide what they do or don’t want on their blog (even if I disagree), HOWEVER, there are ways to do it without being deemed oppressive, condescending and bigoted. Cropping Emma out removes them from the focal point, again something I don’t agree with, but it doesn’t shove negative attention onto their choices either. Highlighting it with an ugly photoshop is not only rude, but actually insulting, and seems as though you’re purposefully forcing Emma’s look into the spotlight.
Let’s zoom in on that comment a little more, as well.
‘With a little help from me to Emma Corrin’ a condescending insinuation that you think they need your help, in need of your assistance, which immediately puts them below you. When, if I recall correctly, this is Emma’s livelihood and daily job. They seem to be quite well versed in how to rock a red carpet.
‘Just disrespectful 😒’ - how so, to who and to what? Just say you feed into the over sexualisation of breasts and go. Be honest about your bigoted view, don’t sugarcoat it with the essence that you’re ’doing them a favour’. Nobody else at the premiere seemed bothered, everyone was happy and taking photos and there wasn’t a hint of awkwardness to pick up on.
The second photo was at the Berlin premiere, but shows equally, if not more, nipple. (Which weirdly the poster I’m referring to had no issue with that outfit, but the London one? 🤔
Oh and also? Don’t put Emma’s name in the hashtags if you’re so damn scandalised by their attire.
And before anyone comes for me with ‘you’re overreacting’ or ‘it’s not that deep, don’t freak out’, it actually is that deep. This is disrespectful at best and hateful and oppressive at worst, even if the original poster didn’t intend it that way. It’s essentially saying ‘I’m taking away your self expression because it doesn’t fit with I deem acceptable for someone with breasts’.
In this vile world where women/afab trans people in general are consistently being oppressed, ordered around, abused and more, seeing someone be blatantly so rude like this is just…gross, especially around such an anticipated movie and with a wonderful cast. Please try and do better in the future, there’s no need for this.
Also. Here’s those shirtless photos of Bill, in case anyone wanted evidence of that. (Who is also slaying may I say!)
#I already know people are not gonna be happy about this but Idc tbh#my mutuals will know I’m super passive about most things because I hate confrontation but I just think this is unfair#and before anyone is like ‘you’re only saying this because it’s an actor you like 😤’#….yeah….because an actor I admire and look up to is going to get my attention as opposed to someone I don’t#but I still wouldn’t accept this behaviour towards anyone#anyway. Emma. even tho you’re not reading this. you’re slaying. it’s a moment. you’re a moment#(and BEFORE anyone is like ‘it’s just to get people talking about the movie’#1) you don’t know that. we don’t know why these are the looks Emma is going for. its never an actors sole decision anyway.#2) even if you’re right - so ???? still doesn’t call for obstruction does it#ANYWAY.#s things#nosferatu#nosferatu 2024#bill skarsgård#emma corrin#nosferatu premiere#Emma Corrin the monarch you are. please never stop slaying#I’m going to see Emma in the seagull in late Feb actually#I told my script writing lecturer about that and she was like ‘I want notes when you get back’ so 🫡 watch out seagull cast. I’m reporting#back to a professional play writer (and all I’m gonna do is gush gush gush.)
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making a collection
making another collection with a threatening aura
#davy back fightbpart 3 letsgo#HOW do the three big guns get wasted on the eating contest... horrible plan.... luffy is fine bc well... but not sanji and zoro like damn.#luffy DOESNT WANNA EAT??? CALL THE NAVY!!!!#what was i saying.... bad idea putting the three beasts there#FRANKY FRANKY FRANKY!!!! they captured the two princesses :(#one sided beef squashed between luffy and foxy. friendship ended with random ex marine guy. now luffy is my best friend#usopp and franky bonding time hell yeah. throw usopp by the head once more pelase#nami with zoros swords just like holding them looks so cool like she should get a few swords too... nami three sword style oda drawing pls#i think this man underestimates nami and luffys power together he doesnt know about shiki#luffy saying he knows its a trap and sorry for being late.... lets go on an adventure all nine of us.... usopp yes anding his lie..... omg#cant believe nami isnt there yet. she could take this guy. oh there she is!!!!! she does look cool with the swords and jumping to get luffy#zoro screaming in agony from luffy getting shot omg THIS FUCKING GUY OF COURSE!!! this looks like its so over#zoro and sanji must feel so useless rn. they didnt even get the chance to fight like damn#komei-kakka??? more like come caca. boom#luffy face down dead on the floor akdjkaa chopper have you tried looking at the wound to see if it harmed him idk#it hit the face akdjskn usopp that was coom also#was robin flirting with the other guy and zoro caught her and she told hum to shut up???#'your friends got the best of me but you are still in my arms an-' 'HEAT EGG!! ALSO YOU'RE ON FIRE!'#flare maneauver that was so slay also luffy and nami in the same frame so twins of them. my children. birthed them one right after the othe#zoro and sanji fighting back to back. back to back to back to you i dont wanna fall right back to us maybe you should run right back to her#that is such a bop song. also post wano zosan. and post wci. see the recurrent theme#fighting in water.... being on top of the sword that was a slay... red hawk ace i will never forget you it seems#foxy liking his jolly roger omg nami fooled him ahdhsjs i think they should have pirate game event every year they yearn for contests#now since this experience foxy should make monthly multitudinary pirate games olympics hoping the strawhats join them a la gatsby#the faces at the mushroom akdhaksjs#talking tag#watching one piece#watching one piece movies#kinda loved how robin betted on franky against usopp.... i will take the crumbs
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sitting in the parking lot thinking i might vom
#it's a chain place and ive been on the other side of places like this#(i wasnt an interviewer but i was friends with them)#and there at least people would show up late + in sweats for the interview and they'd get it!#they would show up with 'oh yeah interview today almost forgot' and they'd get it!#meanwhile im having a breakdown trying to do everything right and perfect#making sure i look nice but not too nice bc again its a chain fast food place and i cant try Too Hard#also these pants dont have belt loops and they tend to shift#AND my right hand is swollen from the wasp sting yesterday so im worried its gonna be 'wtf is wrong with you'#but also shouldn't it say something that im here anyway even though i could have rescheduled#but then its like... im not gonna kill myself for this place like i did at mcd and does it give that impression?#or should i have rescheduled bc they'll think it's bad decision making to come anyway with my hand swollen#also worried that i should have parked nearby and come over closer to the time bc am i the freak sitting in the parking lot#but at least im early! but am i too early? but im out here not rushing them. but should i be so they know I Am Interested#not to even mention wtf im gonna say to them to explain my employment gap#and im so paranoid that im gonna go in and say im there for an interview and they're gonna be like ???#bc it was through an automatic text/email thing when i applied#which was how my last job happened but idk. maybe im an idiot and it's all fake so they can point and laugh#and i KNOW thats ridiculous. but that's how it feels rn.#also im worried they'll ask if i want something to eat/drink and i dont know the right answer#like i feel like i should say yes bc what do you mean you wont eat here? but the wrong thing means im taking advantage#and how will i be if im actually working there?#and its all so dumb bc#AGAIN people roll out of bed confident and they're fine. meander their way through and theyre fine. theres no reason to think i wont be#but ANXIETY#its gonna be an out of body experience no matter what and later I'll wonder about all the things i dont remember#if i fucked up or not#and now i have to go in bc it's 7 minutes until my time and i want to be a little early but not too much#fuck#wish me luck#ks talks
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EXO | STAYC | RED VELVET | TXT
@userdramas 2023 Secret Santa 🎁 ↳ for @jaeewook: Favorite K-Pop Groups! @asiandramanet December Creator Bingo - Typography ☆ ★
#userheidy#userdramas#asiandramanet#exo#txt#red velvet#stayc#kpop#vi.edits#userkimchi#flashing gif#HAPPY HOLIDAYS HEIDY 💖🌹 i'm sorry this is so late !!!#its not very fancy but i hope you like it??? (or not completely hate it skksks i'll take the win)#I had SO SO SO much fun making this!!!!#this was more a gift for me lol because i had been wanting to get into k-pop for so long but i didn't know where to start#but then at one point i just sat in front of the TV and saw TXT's dance performance playlist for an hour... so yeah :))#finding a frames where the camera/angles were not constantly moving was the biggest challenge LMAO#also i learned this layer mask animation which was fun and took me 5 hours to get right lol#i was originally planning on watching 'it's ok to not be ok' but work got in the way UGH#then i thought of making a fave dramas list from MDL but i didn't wanna accidently gif a character you didn't like skskkskssk#(also yay new dramas for my watchlist <3)#i hope you have a great year!!!! <3<3<3<3<3
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How its been going if I'm being quite honest
#Sorry this is ooc it's just how I'm feeling#My brain went 'oh? You're in the middle of the worst week of your life? Here's a random character to fixate on until things calm down 👍'#I'm back at the apartment btw#Severe thunderstorms here so they kept us in the air for an extra hour#But yeah I'm sorry I've been inactive and not chatty lately. Just going through a lot right now and it's taking its toll#I'm doing what I can just to keep myself from falling to pieces#On the brightside the paper work went through so she will be seeing the specialists on Monday if all goes well#On the downside I just can't stop crying#I can barely walk as soon as I got in I just collapsed#I barely slept all weekend#This is the first shower I'm taking since Thursday night#Haven't brushed my teeth either#I know I smell like shit I just couldn't be bothered#My hair was matted to my head#I felt bad for everyone at the airport but I just couldn't bear to be away from her longer than absolutely necessary#Cruddy rambles
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anyways to my kenniko wattpad fic (Closing Doors) readers who are also on tumblr. U guys will be the first to know that the next chapter will be the last chapter🤧🤧
#i mean the readers who doesnt have tumblr or doesnt follow me here will not know this and will only know the day i upload the chapter#but ykwim#i feel like its the right time to finish it so why not?#this fic has been ongoing since like late september?? and im not one of those writers that can continue writing a fic for years and years#i will lose motivation and ideas at some point#so yeah#its been a ride my baes🫡🫡#see u guys on the last chapter that i will upload...maybe in a few days idk
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Magenta 😟
#I've had cognitive impairment from covid before but not to where i feel intellectually dumb when i write#my college papers and my writing projects dont sound like “me” as of late#its very bare bones and doesn't have the descriptiveness or humanity i normally give#like i see the scenes or what i want to say in my head#but what i type aint matching up#and yeah i naturally get into slumps like that but this is like that slump x 9000#I'm kinda scared this round might've given me brain damage#havent been feeling all the way like myself#but i also know too that covid takes a while to heal from and of course theres long covid shit which ive dealt with before#im just frustrated guys#i feel like within the last 3 to 4 months i finally healed from my last bout of rona#and i get it again and im back to square one#i just want to write and feel okay with it and not feel so stuck just trying to come up with a basic sentence#seriously even writing basic shit is hard right now#it took me a week to get 5 pages on duality#and im used to churning out at least 10 pages on my projects at minimum every couple days to a week#man give me chronic pain anyday but don't take away my mind and the freedom that comes with that#sorry guys im feeling sad#i know i gotta give myself time but im impatient#i hate how right before i caught covid again i was gonna get my flu shot and an updated covid vax#wish i could've avoided this crud#having weird chest shit too#was a heart thing now its gerd now its potentially back to a heart thing#im tired#i need a hug#i love you 🫂💙#magenta is my vent word
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I'm at a point where I would absolutely love to Create Something and I have plenty of ideas but I am lacking entirely in motivation so I just play video games and feel like a loser when I go to bed
#why is this image so wide hrnsjzbfb#im honestly being dramatic. mostly. but yeah man i gotta get on that shit 😭😭😭😭#I HAVE IDEAS BUT IVE BEEN FINDING DRAWING RLY HARD AS OF LATE...#i definitely wanna practice more tho!!!! waa 🥺#the au asks were honestly supposed to be motivation to draw.... i will still do them i swear!!! and hopefully soon 😭😭😭#but yeah im sure yall know this mood im sure its big time relatable. right#ruby rambles
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Hmmmmm exploring some weird feelings rn that I'm posting on tumblr dot com because hell I've had this blog for a decade now I can post literally whatever the hell I want now forever and ever. This is my dream journal or whatever the tumblr memes say.
Anyway, it's really strange growing up with neglect, chronic loneliness, and isolation that eventually morphs into severe abandonment issues and generalized anxiety. There's alot of extremely mixed emotions all intertwined in my brain now that I'm actually an adult and can look back and understand just what happened. The severe loneliness years on end and just viciously torturing myself for any perceived fault and clinging onto any scrap of love thrown at me. So much so that at a certain point, I was entirely willing to overlook some major questionable stuff cause I was that fucking starved for attention, friendship, and love.
It's much better nowadays, which I'm extremely happy about because no one deserves to feel like they're such an extreme burden that the people around them would've been better off if you were never born. Or believing that you matter so little and affect the world around you in such a miniscule way that it destroys your ability to even reach out and talk to others. No one deserves that. No one deserves to feel like they're a burden or worthless because they dare to exist and be a human being in the world around them. Bare minimum, absolute bare minimum, is that everyone should feel like they deserve to be on the ground underneath their feet and no one should challenge that.
Which is why I'm very happy to be out of that mindset, even though I can lapse back into it if my anxiety is bad enough. It's also nice that I have friends and a much better understanding of both myself and relationships than I ever did, even if I still feel like I'm stumbling in trying to learn what seems natural to others. It's a slow moving process, but it's one I'm willing to learn because I want to affect the ones I love in the best way possible.
I know all of that, I do, and I know that the acceptable, rational thought is the more healthy approach to relationships, whether that be romantic, platonic, or everything in between. The sort of approach that you know is the right thing to do because you want them to be happy and to have other people in their lives and that you don't own them. You know you can't be their everything, but there's a part of your brain that just wants to fucking grab them and become their everything. I know it's the issues talking, but a part of me just wants to be borderline obsessive and even possessive, so much that I just want to own them and they own me. I want them to be mine, I want to be theirs, I want them to think of me and to love me. I want them to be mine more than anything else in the world.
It's just complicated because it's so mixed up in those issues of abandonment and severe, long term loneliness, and it sucks because I know exactly where it came from, but I can't exactly stop it. The only thing I can do is to just try to work through them and approach something closer to "healthy" that's good for everybody, the thing that they deserve and you know is right. But at the same time... god you want them to be yours so badly, you want to be theirs so badly.
Anyway this has been "echo attempting to process the extreme highs and lows of love and how they're trying to dull down the edges of their teeth after being starved from love, companionship, and intimacy for most of their life"
#idk its just something thats been on my mind lately and I had to get it down into words#something like wanting to grab love with your own bloody hands and not let it go and all that#but you know thats not right but its also messed up with feelings like 'you dont deserve that'#in the same vein of 'you dont deserve that intense and consuming of love'#god I just wanna be fucking consumed and eaten alive by love. so much so that I never doubt that its mine alone#yeah I have a healthy history with relationships and love 👍 ignore the decades of neglect its fine
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ooooooh my god i need some fucking joy i need some fucking joy NOW
#literally nothing is bringing me enjoyment right now NOTHINGGGG#(yes i know its the depression. whatever.)#i havent played bg in like three weeks. not even enjoying that anymore either#and i CANT FUCKING WRITE!!!!!#I'm so exhausted all the time I'm so bored I'm so lonely#and yeah I'm reading more lately which is great but I'm hardly enjoying myself I just#im so fucking bored im sick of killing myself to complete job applications just to hear nothing back im so. so tired#whatever!!!!! life sucks and then you die#pretty sure my birth control is gonna kill me anyway so whooo caresssss#idk what this post is about#tbd
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