#i know im being whiny

[sus-bee]

ghrgrhrh i feel like a hater

[ramblingzombpossum]

Managed to eat a good bit, then threw up all the apples and grapes I ate.

So maybe that's a good sign?

I don't know, I am naming this bucket of stomach acid The Destroyer. Last night's was The Wakener, because I didn't sleep at all lol.

[ratatatastic]

"Did you get in trouble for taking the cup into the ocean?" "Yes. Yes." "Did Rodrigues? He took it in there too!" "Did he?" "Yeah!" "Well, I mean, I brought it under the water—looking back..." "What happened?" "You bring silver into the ocean, saltwater—no!" "Oh, I didn't know that." "I haven't slept! How am I supposed to know? Nobody told me the rules!" "You haven't slept!" "Yeah, but you're naughty—" "But hey! If I would've known about it... oh no, I still probably would've done it. Still probably would've done it!" "Dude, who cares! That thing has been abused all through the years!" "No, no! The cup guys understood, the cup keepers understood—they, you know, told me the rules after and I swear to God I didn't know before but, yeah. Great memories! Great pictures!

Cam & Strick Podcast | 8.27.24 (x)

oceangate evolves further the more we talk about it so if youd like to see the other previous developments in concerns to it...

and also because its funny here are some of the times the cup has been held near or above water both salt, fresh and chlorine alike since oceangate in no particular order

and i just think its very clear when oceangate happened because now everyones holding the cup high above the water/near bodies of water and not letting it get dunked

but pre-oceangate the cup was just dunked in maffhews pool hours after they won it (which was before they went to las olas and welp the rest is history)

[obsessionatthemoment]

Ahhhhh, I need Byler content.

I hate that that's the only thing I'm posting nowadays, but that's literally the only coherent thought in my mind.

I have passed away (jk I'm alive, but my motivation to do anything productive has passed away)

[bogkeep]

it's been over a whole month since i had a stupid argument with my parents about driving, a skill that i legally possess but hate doing because i have a special brain illness that makes me fear death and injury, but i'm still chewing over an absurd claim that it's "equally dangerous to go on a 14 hour train ride like you just did". literally how is that more dangerous. in what way. in what world. public transport is nice and good and i like it and i don't have to enter my personal torment nexus

[butteredfrogs]

vent in tags

[sillyscientists]

Just gonna say that mocking people for voicing their disappointment over the stream (spongebobscreamingwithflyingicecreamtruck.png “IN A CIVIL AND POLITE MANNER”) just makes you like. An asshole lmao. People are gonna be disappointed when they’re told they’re getting one thing and getting another no matter what, even if what they get instead is really good/funny.

[d-o-n-n-i-3]

sorry for venting sm, i js need to get shit offa my mind. anyways heres another because im whiny asf

im beginning to realize that im eating a lot less. i. didnt think that i was doing so bad, until today. i ate something small yesterday, i think. definitely not enough though. i ate a little bit more than yesterday today. and ive come to realize, at 9 pm tonight, that i cant remember the last time i was full. i cant remember the last time i actually looked at my body and felt a positive emotion until today. and i only felt it because i realized id definitely lost weight. i dont have an eating disorder (thats diagnosed) but ive felt like this off and on since i was 11. 12 was a really bad age, i neglected to eat for weeks, and if i did i cut myself for doing so. it sucked, and still sucks because i like. miss it? i miss having control. the growling of my stomach not making me try and fill it, but try and give it even less. less than nothing. i used to throw up my meals a lot too. recently, ive been throwing up my meals again, but because im so tense. i cant remember a time i wasnt shaking since last wednesday, when i had a fight with my dad. and im dizzy. im so dizzy and my legs are shaking when i just try and put any weight on them. im not light, by any means. im muscular, but i have a sleeper build so it doesnt really show.

but fuck. it feels. freeing to be hungry. it feels right, because i think- no, i know - its what i deserve. i always also feel better when im hungry, and it feels like a long war finally being won when my stomach grumbles in protest to what im doing. but it feels so right. my mom would be pissed if she found out. but like. this weekend, shes now seen my eating patterns. i only ate just a little bit of what my aunt and uncle cooked because i felt bad. also they kind of. pressured me to make a plate, first before anyone else. i understood that i couldnt stall. during todays "dinner" i sat on the balcony, and didnt touch my food. i just stared off into space for a long while, then i came inside and said i couldnt stomach it. and my aunt didnt really care, and neither did my mom.

also sleeping. last night, i had my first beer. i stole it and drank it in the night, at like 3 something in the morning. i only went to sleep at around 3:30 because of it. i stashed another one in a cabinet down here, too (the basement). i dont feel guilty at all honestly, and im probably gonna do it again, but stay up later. but also, my eye bags are reeeeaaaaally prominent. i talked to my gf and mentioned id slept for 3 hours on thusrday night, and she said she could tell. i probably havent been sleeping as well as i used to because i havent been taking my meds. because they nulled my emotions. but now, off of them, my emotions are barely there. im feeling practically nothing. im faking so hard. i told my therapist that im pretended to be fine around everyone because i dont want to worry them, and she said that i needed to stop. but heres the thing. i cant. i cant risk losing my mom's trust, i cant risk losing my friends comfort in me (basically coming to me when they have a problem. i give advice, or just listen. either way, i am NOT losing that because my whiny ass said something stupid.), and i cant risk losing face. although im kinda doing that on here. airing out my dirty laundry for all to see. maybe i should stop.

i dont want to, but it might be for the best. i wanna stop doing a lot of things. one of those things i dont wanna do is something that ive been trying to want for so long. its living. i havet thought this way in so long. its nice though, a comfort to feel this way. because ive felt it for so long. ive felt it ever since i can remember. i dont know how to just. fully stop thinking like this. is it so bad that i dont want to? is it so bad that i just want to feel? even if its actively taking its toll on me? these are rhetorical questions, of course, not meant to be answered. i dont think i want to know the answer, anyways.

uh im probably done yappin for now. if you dont wanna see this shit lemme know asap please.

[msburgundy]

i really need to just let it go

[jabibi-the-beef]

the founding fathers are so babygirl of course people would end up writing fanfics about them

[altschmerzes]

[wakes up, checks notifs. sees message from someone being fucking weird and mean and shitty about me being aro and romance repulsed, Again. delete.]

[asirenbyanyothername]

I was talking to this person. Nothing romantic or anything, just getting to know them. Then, I noticed they started replying later and later, and the conversations were more one-sided, like I was putting in more effort. And it finally came out that they had gone on a date, with a possibility of a second date a few days previous. And I was happy for them. Like that's what friends are for, right?!

Well, I guess we weren't friends after all. Guess who got left alone again?!

Like, i don't understand. . .

Our conversations were nothing but friendly. No flirting or anything. So why? I'm so confused.

Am I truly not worth the effort? Am I just meant to be alone?!

This is the second time I opened myself up, even in a friendly way, to start putting myself out there, and this is the second time (back to fuckin back) that I've been brushed off to the side and pushed to the back. . .

Like, don't i deserve friends?

Were we not friends?!