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worst fear would be getting asked out and being told that theyre uncomfy w me starting to date someone new :<
#okay maybe not WORST worst fear#but still#i rlly want her to want me in more than a sexual way and want everyone to be happy
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took a few minutes for him to realize i was muted. haha. im doing well.
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fighting off the demons who want to make me leave servers and deactivate and delete accounts en masse. save me
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im glad she thinks my hi sounds sweet and not like im crying
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i think im deep in the mental illness bc i kinda dont wanna be here
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i do not feel put out abt no one talking to me why would u say that haha
#immmmmmmmmm such a fucking baby lmao#i was kinda holding out for this all week#but i fear that we wont be rlly talking at all#she just said she knows i wont be bored. no but i am upset#why am i in here
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oh my god i didnt realize shes 27,, honestly im still down lets do this
#fod forbid i have a crush on someone nice and fun to talk to w an open desire for me#YEAH maybe thatd be a bad idea but this is the time i should be making bad ideas#if she asked me put i WOULD talk to finn abt it is all im saying
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i shant get sad or frustrated abt no one getting in call despite it already being 9. i shant
#i miss. my friends. and my partner. but whatev#miri has been talking to me p much every day so thats nice
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ghrgrhrh i feel like a hater
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gah nevermind killingmyself !!!!!!!!! for fun
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had a fucking dream where i was back in hs in a class w chatterton. it started out w me and brianna talking and whatev but then it became me in chattys class. mike messaged me and said hed learned some more and not to talk to anyone elae from yc bc of it (for my sake, not theirs) and i remember holding onto leo and sobbing hysterically. just like in the back of the classroom. there was smth w cellbit qnd some committee he had, and charlie slimecicle was there and made a joke abt jort storm, but largely it was this weird vindication/catharsis/grief. and then i woke up and i didnt have any of my friends back
#i feel crazy#i think he sent the message into sexoverse so like#implying that everyone in there was fine but not outside of them?#listen it didnt make sense but for a little bit i lived in a world where i had some of my friends back#and i broke down abt it#i rlly RLLY miss them#and i dont think they even know#honestly i dont think any of them miss me#i know this would never happen#but#i guess im still in the throes of grief
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im trying so hard to be mature and civil and not have a public breakdown. but god i really dont know if i can get better rn
#i want to#i REALLY want to#but god#i feel so isolated again#i just wish i could know what i did and make sense of it all
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why are things only getting WORSE. i fucking hate this i hate this so bad
#mike said i dont have to pick but fucking christ.#i do dont i#like i cant have both#i absolutely cant#its only spiralling more#sundae is being aggressive w him and like. idk how these ppl can say we are still friends#and i can be finns partner. at the same time#its already getting obvious that thats not true#thats just simply not true
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i feel like im in a horrible limbo where i know SOME info but cant share it and idk how tf to fix things to any degree
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i was wrong abt the mental health spiral lessening. jesus fucking christ
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afton and mike and sunny liking my posts. all may not be well with everyone, but at least thats something. ill take that win
#noah doesnt seem to want anything to do with me. which i wont push#i wont look at its blog or check in or anything#i wish we could resolve things but thats not my call to make#i can hope that maybe one day things will change. but if they dont then i will be happy with what ive gained today#and i have info now. so that is much better than yesterday#even maybe resolved things w kark#to a degree anyway#hoping i can maybe start to stitch things together w everyone over time. or at least some of them#oh vent blog. maybe things are looking up now
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