#i know i know. i should draw for myself bc i love it not for others' approval
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And I just have to tell you that I
Love you so much these days,
#homestuck#dirk strider#bgd#brain ghost dirk#jake english#dirkjake#hs2#homestuck^2#homestuck 2#hsbc#homestuck beyond canon#homestuck epilogues#candy epilogue#admin draws#fanart#i cant even pretend im normal about my own art or this song im sorry#im tryna think of something to say abour this and i keep thinking about the lyrics and i GRGRHHHHFHFJG#i dunno man. i love plastic beach. i cant say anything here that is not gallbladder-achingly cheesy#but just. i dont know.#jake keeping a little bit of dirk in his heart all those years. even if bgd is 'all' jake hes still in the memory he carries#when i listen i find myself stuck between which singer/verse should be jake and which should be dirk. but the answer is simple#theyre both both.#jake thinks hes the one singing abour getting abandoned. but really hes the one losing himself in the substance#and dirk. dirk is the one watching him lose himself. but since hes just a part of jake. yeah.#'i have to tell you that i love you so much these days' both as something jake is saying to dirk and what jake wishes dirk was there to say#hes so alone in that reality. even if he might not admit and go so far as to imagine dirk saying it. its something that deep down#he aches to hear. the man who has deemed himself unlovable and incapable of love. he still wants to hear it despite himself#he still wants to say it despite nnot being able to bring himself to even process that emotion#sigh. see what happens. i cant talk aboht it bc a single line turns intoTHIS
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Kayne on the brain
#girl i should be studyingggggg leave me ALONEEEEEEEEEEE#i give the gift of short king to those i love#i stand here before you all 5’ and proud do you hear me#anyways i’ve decided to give kayne finger waves bc i thin he’d cut it up at the jazz halls#but i kinda wanna go back and give him diff lil fits per era#your honor i’ve had him for 3 episodes and if anything happened to him#well you know what that bitch would probably deserve it#speaking of jazz halls im what some people might call a swingr myself#might draw him doin a lil swing dancing i think this takes place in like 1920-30s if i have my vibe check right#malevolent#kayne malevolent#my three gifts that i grant onto all i love is being short being cunty and having adhd
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Happy Birthday to Ferdinand von Aegir!
I actually made 33 emotes, affectionately known as Aegirglyphics to some, for my own personal use on discord. However, I figure why not share some of them! They're free to use for discord servers/icons/pfps or whatever. However, my only request is Do NOT use them as subscriber emotes on Twitch. You can make them free follower emotes but you are not to make them locked behind a paywall.
#fe three houses#ferdinand von aegir#discord emotes#i thought long and hard about this bc idk the actual want for emotes i made ages ago but#i still love my son and its his bday ad so i should be nice and share#since i no longer have nitro and can no longer use them myself#the fact i can technically post 30 at once was tempting but#some of them arent living up to my standards and also just might not be easy to use in most contexts#so those im gonna skip on lol#whoever wants 21 aegirglyphics tho have at em#i think i might have posted some before? but only 10 and i dont recall which ones#if you want a secret the last three and the middle on the second row are my favorites to use#i used concernednand (the upper one) so much#the internet concerns me guys it was a valid use every time#debated sharing heartnand but honestly the world could benefit from it imo because gotta spread that love#fun lil trivia i love making emotes and so when i was in a server and people knew me as the ferdinand fan and artist#someone was like why hasnt salmon made a ferdinand emote yet#and im like bc i dont run the server and i cant just demand they add my art#and then a mod was like i didnt wanna put pressure on salmon but i thought about it so i was like bet#and then drew a server exclusive happy ferdinand emote#and that was the start of me somehow being able to have like.... ten emotes in that server#some of them were just me joking and then mods encouraging me#cause i used to use felix for every single art prompt theyd give and one week someone said the prompt was pog#and i just was so upset because dude why would i wanna draw felix for that hes not pog#so a mod was like hey if you make a pog felix emote we ill add it to the emotes here#so i once again was like bet and then posted it and then they really added it lmao#anyway sorry for so many rambles please feel free to use them on discord in whatever server#i cant really expect everyone to credit me but also im not really concerned since i fear people know my nands a mile away
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just think itd be funny if they met irl
#thpff#byakuya togami#happy birthday byakuya btw#dont have time for anything polished so uhhhh old doodle go#thp byakuya: this is what i should be. this is what was taken from me. all it took was one loss and i have become a shell of myself.#canon byakuya: what the hell is your problem#thp byakuya doesnt look exactly like this at the current point in the fic (around chap 20) but! who knows! he might soon :)))))#love taking my fave chars and locking them in a washing machine! love putting them through stress and trauma!!#canon byakuya havng his ghost of christmas present moment. get dickens'd idiot#i will never draw the other eye#thp byakuya isn't eating as much bc of repeat headaches/nausea from his vision hence the weight loss#also has been losing motivation to keep himself looking as cleaned up as he normally i.e: he fucked up shaving so he gave up#is generally a lot more paranoid and untrusting of his surroundings. he just has a lot going on#soooo much fun drawing him fucked up and shaken i think it should happen more often tbh#my arts
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finally delivering on the princess tutu headshots i promised... love these dysfunctional teens 🩰💖💕
LOTS of notes about headcanons/design choices under the cut! like. a lot. dont say i didnt warn you
starting with my specialest guy fakir:
i had a suuuper clear vision for fakir, and i couldnt be happier with how he turned out, he looks exactly how i imagine him! trying to translate his Bird-Shaped Hair into my style gave me SERIOUS homestuck flashbacks. my affinity for knights with Problems knows no bounds...
adding the hyperpigmentation around his eyes and his acne scars is what really solidified this for me-- i put those in and was like oh!!! there you are!!! my boy!!! and you can tell because i gave him acne scars + thick eyebrows that he IS my boy... there are very clear trends among my headcanons for my faves lol. big noses, thick eyebrows, skin imperfections, heavy eyebags, long dark hair... and fakir truly has it all 😤 he is so Ideal Character Design to me
i think fakir is actually pretty self-conscious about his appearance tho! we see characters like pike and lilie say hes handsome to ahiru, but i dont know how often he actually hears that? and im sure its hard not to compare himself to mytho, who is straight out of a fairy tale; being a regular teenager dealing with regular teen body stuff is hard enough without your roommate being a magically beautiful eternally youthful storybook hero. i think he probably internalises more that people see him as scary and angry, and that the girls who do have crushes on him always frame it in contrast to mytho, who is Good and Kind and Handsome, implying (or sometimes outright stating!) that fakir is Bad and Mean and... Well...
fakir is very sensitive but quiet about it, so i think its a very private point of self-consciousness. i think he puts a lot of semi-secret effort into his appearance; canonically he has a lot of very funny and clearly customised clothing, and he chooses to keep his hair long and in a very particular style (i have a whole breakdown in my mind of how he achieves that style and it involves a surprising amount of pins and an unsurprising fuckton of teasing. i think his hair is a little fried from heat damage!), and i think that probably extends to other things, too, like manicuring his eyebrows and doing a lot of very Teenage Skincare that doesnt actually help his acne much lol. i think he probably has a lot of self-injurious habits and BFRBs like skin picking and chewing, mostly at his acne and around his nails (both of which he hates, because he knows he shouldnt but does it anyway). i think if he does it enough that theres noticeable evidence it feels, like, world-ending for him, ESPECIALLY if anyone asks what happened lol. do not perceive him except in the very specific ways and contexts he approves of THANKS
on to the narratives favorite princess, mytho:
again, i had a pretty clear idea of the vibe i wanted mytho to have going into this-- i want him to have, like, extreme prince charming vibes, very Classically Handsome without necessarily being 'conventional.' i thought a lot about 'the happy prince' story while i was working on this, and really wanted him to look like a cross between how the prince statue looks in my head and a porcelain doll. and also a cross between jonny brown and brigitte bardot? lots of very direct influences for him lol. so! lots of gold tones, gemmy eye color, cute little tooth gap, quivering wide-eyed thousand-yard-stare doe eyes and big ol dolly anime lashes, which were the very last thing i added because i was NERVOUS about pulling those off lol. they turned out cute tho! ive only done a handful of pieces for this series and i can already tell princess tutu is gonna make me up my lash drawing game considerably, these kids all look like they blink and cause a hurricane from the gale force wind of their falsies
also wait i lied the very last thing i did was add his freckles/beauty marks because he needed that little extra oomph and those were It. i think he probably has some on his hands/wrists too 💕
i was a little unsure if my idea for his hair would translate with this flat-color approach but im pretty happy with it! its supposed to be afrotextured hair (somewhere between 3b and 4c i think? wide range of potential i knowww but im still kind of hammering out my headcanons okay, this is exploratory lol) thats been rolled and finger-styled into his little feather shapes. i think loose, chunky twists would be another fun way to interpret his hair and twists are one of my fave styles to draw do i might draw him like that at some point too...
i guess fakir is the one who styles his hair for him before mytho gets his heart back? i imagine fakir is pretty meticulous about maintaining mythos health and appearance, even at the worst stages of their relationship. i think itd be hard for fakir to frame the way he treats mytho as For Mythos Sake if he wasnt doing some level of actually beneficial care for him, so being really fastidious about things like mythos diet and sleep hygiene and hair care and such gives fakir an outlet for his 'you just have to do what i tell you' thing that helps him convince himself it really is helping, no really, hes doing this for mythos benefit and he just has to be strict with him because mytho doesnt UNDERSTAND he needs PROTECTING and fakir is the ONLY ONE who can do it so mytho HAS to let him because if he doesnt then why does fakir even EXIST, if he cant manage this then what is he good for, and--
yknow. the usual complexes. and their relationship is so complex!!! but also so simple, but like. in a good way. fakirs behavior is complicated but his motivation regarding mytho is SO straightforward which makes that downward spiral into harm really easy to map out... i wont go much into that in this post since this is about visual/appearance-related headcanons but just. augh. i love this show and i love these characters!!! and i hope its apparent in my work that i do love them so <3
im hoping to do a set of these for the girls next!!! i have some other stuff to finish first but hopefully... Soon... Some Birds...
#princess tutu#fakir#mytho#prince siegfried#my art#i had sooo much fun playing around with style in these... the super strong white highlights + underpainting combo looks SO lovely#i should take this approach more often i almost never do!!! it rules and is fun to do#i was listening to my fakir playlist nonstop for DAYS while working on this and still intermittently since...#it feels like ive been sitting on these for a month but its only been 5 days omg. crazy... good to know tho#anyway i love themmm theyre everything. SO fun to draw i really hope i can do more art of them. i Want To... i have Ideas >:o)#btw is putting notes on my thoughts under a cut like this interesting for yall? its fun for me but idk if yall wanna read all that#i will probably continue regardless bc i love to hear myself talk esp abt my design choices but#im curious if my notes on my thought process are interesting to anyone else#if not oh well! thats what the cut is for 😤 nobodys gotta read it if they dont wanna im doing this for Me#full color
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how. do u sona....
#i want to give myself a solid sona that. isnt just me with puppy dog ears and a tail slapped on but its hardddd#i want to make like a snowman that can change shape but it keeps certain features like branch antlers and a carrot nose#for consistency yk. but im struggling to find a balance between smth i like drawing and smth that looks like me#how often does one's sona resemble the artist irl.. for one i dont have bangs but i love drawing characters with bangs#so its just an internal conflict on if i should give my sona bangs if i dnt have them but love drawing them. etc etc#maybe im thinking abt this too hard bc nobody really knows what i look like anyway and i can do what i want anyway#but i get hung up on small details like that. like im worrying abt stuff like damn how tf am i gonna draw a snowman in the summer#girl... its a fuckig drawing.... follow your heart. but also HOW. i cant even draw myself with bangs bc it feels like im lying augh auuhggg#its 4 am im too tired for this. im goig to bed#my art#myart#doodles#wip
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ur bartkon art legendary
TYSMM!!!!! IM GLAD U LIKE ITT!!!!! <33
heres a silly sketch i prolly wont color :3
#i dont actually have anything 2 say in the tags#huh! mshcjak#kart#konbart#bartkon#puppee answers#puppee art#bleehhhhhhh#OH I DO HAVE SMTH 2 SAY LNAO#I H8 DRAWING SIDE PFPS THEY R WEIRDD!!!#i have another kart drawing & both hvae side pfps & just kike AUFHHHFGHG#y do i do that 2 myself#ndohekdbkabcksf#anyways ty again <333333#i 4 somerrason dont draw kon w/scruff that often i should change that#scruff? is that the right word uhh#i go back 2 watching my show i actually finally got my appointment done in the middle of making this lol#FINALLY!!!#okok i need 2 stop rmablingg#im actually so flattered by this i skjfkskjfkskkg#anytime any1 like tags my art or compliments it i like RLLYYY wanna reply but i feel like that would get annoying#so like just know any1 whos reasing this#i love when any makes any comment whatso ever 2 my posts!!! i giggle i kick my feet its so fun!!#mayb ill start interacting way more bc its rlly bothering me that like im choosing 2 not go w/my urges its weird#I SAID I WAS GONNA STOP RAMBLING & THEN I CONTINUES SHIT SRRY#OKOK IM DONE NOW <3
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this could be kuwameshi if you guys would like. take my hand and trust me
#yyh spoilers in tags#like major spoilers ok#which ig i dont usually tag but whatever#the if i had to choose between the world and you it's you thing happened. and it was KUWABARA like hhhhgghh#yusuke makes him forget his honor code sometimes and i need you guys to see that with me#bc it makes me wanna fling myself into the ocean over and over again#kuwabara literally is like you need to be alive bc otherwise im nothing idek who i am. please let me punch you#and he wails this multiple times#and yusuke would burn down the world himself if he thought it'd help his friends we all know that#and doomed by the narrative? mmm with the ever escalating world ending nature of being a spirit detective thats kinda there#throw in the sudden demon-human age gap post yusuke death 2 and you've got some narrative dooming in a way#but not enough for me to well and truly call them doomed by the narrative#yyh#yu yu hakusho#kuwameshi#kazuma kuwabara#yusuke urameshi#ofc i can handle you at your worst thats basically you all the time is Very kuwa to yusuke#and maybe we can figure out what the hell ur problem is over dinner sometime is Very yusuke to kuwa#actually i should draw that. or make it a textpost or something#but like turning up the protectiveness/possessiveness thats already there with them in line with the whole#'ive watched you die' trauma they Both have means that like. i think they would Need to have each other around for a period of time#in the wake of sensui's bs perhaps. and then yusuke cuts it all off and they start to get a bit healthier about it. hm#i think about them all the time it's like if typicsl shonen rival/bestie homo-ness was kind of scary and painful#like they love each other but the ways they hurt each other and hurt over each other drive me fucking insane
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yada yada happy halloween to these FREAKS (and you guys :3 and myself i gusss :3) doodle from art class that i GUESS could be considered halloween...... idk ok idk ok something was up with me when i drew this
#look killer would like being praised more but to be fair since when has anyone been truly canon with him#to make myself not tweak out i can just pretend this is my fanon#i mean like mtt to me is the epitome of finding slight comfort in suffering when theyre not beating eachother up#dust and horror are affirming killer's terrible thoughts about himself!! how sweet :3 <3 theyre so made for eachother#horror looks like he has a second eye but dont be fooled i just didnt shade that in#i NEED to lock in on that animation. i dont think i have any homework today#i just have a short worksheet and then i'm good to draw i really should really really should im so sorry#disappointed in myself smh more than any of YOU ever will be#originally this was gonna be them in their halloween costumes looking down but then i was like#wait i dont wanna draw killer so ierased him and then just put horror and dust in their normal outfits bc i liked it#and i was like hold up hold up i gotta include killer somehow. SOMEHOW.and then this is the resuly#listen these guys dont freak around but they do various other things that are almost just as freaky as sex#that was more of a side blog thought triglycercule. i know. i will elaborate more there i guess#i ate so much candy today!!! and i didnt even go trick or treating!!!!!#theyre so smitted and enamoured with eachother :333 i love that for them#theyre so cannibalism core. theyre so if i cant have you nobody can core. theyre not soulmates but instead eachothers curse. theyre so UGH#only the murder time trio can match the other 2's freaks i fear nobody else can#its either less crazy or more crazy and these 3 are the perfect amount of balanced to even the other 2 out#i love that one kist animatic that that one really cool twitter kist artist drew#i know theres probably a really good horrordust animatic out there somewhere 2#WHERES THE HORRORKILLER ANIMATIC HUH!!!! WHERE!!!!!!!#horrorkiller once again left out of the trio duo ships......... this is biased i fear#people just hate to see unhealthy bitched unhealthy smh. they can handle toxic kist but they cant handle toxic hrkl???? BLASPHEMY#triglycercule's rambling again (like a dementia patient) i should get to work#i found my first ever sand au fan out in the wild today. this is a moment in history i fear#i will never find another sans au fan in the world until i pass 30 years of age and im sad but whatever#i cant wait to get a job so i can start ordering stickers of my trio#i cant WAIT to get a pinmaker one day and start my very own mtt ita bag#i want a pinmaker so bad god. just so i can staple their faces all over#tricule rant
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i think that i might've posted about it before but i <3 all the little -ler blogs on here. i'm being so fr. nothing clears my skin more than seeing a -ler blog answering questions. i love you guys please keep making silly little -lers.
#actually can someone make a silly-ler#i guess that's just canon onceler...#anyways. i can't remember who said this but they were like “y'know someone should make a chocolatier-ler” AND.#hoo boy let me tell you#i've been listening to you've never had chocolate like this from Wonka (2023) a lot recently#(it started out as a joke and is no longer a joke)#and. every day i beg for chocolatier-ler to become real#i thought about doing it myself#op said to take the idea and RUN#but the issue is. i cannot draw#and i do not cosplay#so. how would i run a -ler blog.#so anyways if whoever came up with the chocolatier-ler idea is reading this THANK YOU FOR YOUR SERVICE I THINK ABOUT IT ALL THE TIME#uhmm anyways this post was inspired by bigger-ler#i love all -lers equally but some are more equal than others or whatever that line from animal farm is#uhmmm i have my own -ler ideas bouncing around but once again. i do not know. how i would go about creating that#i remember the sock puppet -ler and i think that was crazy creative#shoutout to sock-ler i miss you#ALSO I'M SCARED OF INTERACTING WITH OTHER -LERS YOU ALL SCARE ME...#like. i have no business being a -ler owner#i am genuinely so afraid of collaborative activities because what if i do it WRONG#like what if i roleplay WRONG y'know????#anyways. this post is dedicated to all the -ler blogs out there and their mods#please i litchrally love the -lers so much idk what else to call them#i feel like there's a term that my elders would know#bc i see reoccuring tags like “lerkimpails” AND I'M LIKE WHAT IS A LERKIMPAIL... WHAT DOES THAT REFER TO I'M SORRY I JUST GOT HERE#i need someone to gently hold my hand and explain some lore to me i feel like#idk what this turned into#ANYWAYS#-ler mods keep doing your thing i'm your biggest supporter
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Man, at this point if I want to ship characters with people, I should like read a handbook or something on how to like. Flirt and shit
Like a week ago I went out with this dude from The Tindies and like we hung out for like 5 hours and at some point he was like 'he he I'm never sure if these things are dates...' and I was like 'hm, of course this isn't a date, I literally don't know you. The next time it'll maybe be a date if we decide that's, like, the vibe we're going for." and I thought I was so normal until I told that to my bestie and he did his little 'Man, I literally love you so much' thing that he does every time I do something stupid 😭
#my go to first date question is 'how would you describe romantic attraction if you feel it?'#Like I fully understand and feel deep devotion and love but have no idea how you get here#every time I'm on a date I feel like I'm going insane in front of the person's eyes#I think the point is that I have this very literal set of expectations I think people have when engaging in such things#So I always feel like I'm not delivering so I hide behind drawing stuff bc it's what I think I'm good but you also have to actually engage#with the themes and narrativeeeeees#And I know that I should be myself but what if myself is somehow deeply wrong?????#I need to be more of a freak#thanks for reading my public diary I really needed to post something like this
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gotta get off the internet and only interact irl with people who were 30 before they got their shit together i cant keep doing it like this
#like this being. feeling like i have no future and nobody likes me#‘youre only 19’ only goes so far when i dont know any other fail 19 year olds#im not gonna be a damn dentist for sure but like. and ive said this a thousand times. what am i gonna do. i cant live a worthless nothing#life where i work a shitty job i hate. i have to like something#i hate my art. i hate my lack of creativity. my art is so bland i just dont think its in me anymore#i finished. and i hate it#i have other hobbies. i like to cross stitch. i like to sew. i like to paint. i like to make dolls. do you see the common theme here#i have a few more than that i technically could do but i cant create anymore and it kills me. i want to. i constantly want to but i cant#it doesnt help that even if i havw ideas i dont even want to do them#i was gonna draw some characters from a game i played when i was little but i just#didnt want to. at no point did it not feel like a chore#ill try to go to new mediums! its fun to mess around and then itll feel boring again and going back doesnt feel any better#idk. googling it is useless. ive tried all the things. for years. ive been TRYING to draw consistently and like. doodles are fine theyre fu#but theyre not what i want to do i want to make something im proud of. i drew almost every single day for like 2 years#and its not burnout bc its been like. 2 more years! and ive barely wanted to at all!!!#i want to be creative and i also want people to recognize it. different complaint but it sucks so bad#i feel like nobody likes me. still. nobody cares about what i do. nobody would care if i stopped#like except me but i can only support myself so far!!!! im so tired of it!!!! someone PLEASE be here for me and just say ‘hey i love this#drawing :)’ like you have no idea what that would do for me#not always. but yknow especially if its been a while. if you like it. if you dont like it :( idk. you should tell me that too i guess#yknow so i can have some confirmation so i dont feel like im crazy. idk. dont actually id never go online again. i would probably. well.#i dont like to say the words#simons spouting#vent :(
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...
#so like#this has been bothering me for years now and i have to get it out now#but i don't want it to really be /out/ there so im just gonna ramble in the tags for a sec#but im so confused as to how ppl will look at my art style and ask me#hey can you do me a commission in [insert style that is a complete 180 from what i draw]?#and i just sit there thinking to myself#where did you get this connection from?#why do you think i'm capable of pulling off this style when i have posted nothing that would even remotely resemble the style that you want#are other artists just better than i am?#am i missing something? should i be able to draw like that despite my love for my current style?#i want to be angry but i know i cant be bc i don't have all of the info#well maybe angry is a bit much more like upset#bc it pulls my confidence down into the gutter#AND ITS ALWAYS LIKE THAT#everybody thats seen my art is always like hey can you draw something cuter/simpler/more like this style#and i just have to sit there and stew in my own depression bc no??? i literally cannot???? why would you ask me this????#idk im giving up on being a marketable artist#im just gonna sit here and draw my stuff#im not too pressed to publish anything anymore bc its just not what ppl like#and im starting to become ok with that#but man it sucks bc i like sharing ideas#but interaction is next to nothing so i feel like im just wasting time#this isn't directed at anyone specific just me pointing out the patterns of my life from grade school to adulthood#tag rambling#i had to get it out im sorry its just been getting too much lately and cant keep shit in anymore#so fuck it lol
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.
#mmmm i love when my insecurities go into overdrive for no reason; not even anything specific; just the indescribable emotion™ of it#where I feel like I want to punish myself over everything for no reason#literally there's no reason for this; I'm already so so so tired and I just want to relax and have a good time BUT I CAN'T#bc i mentally am not letting myself do these things; even though I want to bc I'm home and free from responsibilities now#but noooooo instead I feel like garbage for no reason and I wanna beat myself up about it#this is so irrational and annoying bc I am fully aware of it; but it's like; a lingering feeling that I can't turn off lol#i just wanna draw and play games and have fun; not feel like crap when I have the power to not feel like this#if it's bc I didn't get enough sunlight or something stupid like that; i'm gonna scream (bc knowing me it's probably something like this)#maybe I should just go lie down or something idk
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dfhaskdfjsdkf good day 😭
#🌙.vents#i don't remember sleeping this long i think i woke up 12 then 2 then#5. i wld've slept for longer if i didn't force myself to get up n i think the milk tea helped wake me a bit#i'm so..#the burden of my regrets r so suffocating. there are times i can't see anything else when i'm drowning in them.#if such trivial failures affect me this much then how tf will i survive in this cruel world?#i know i'll always find my way but i wonder the lengths of what i sacrifice. of what i deny and destroy within myself#& of how it'll affect me in the unforeseeable future. of what more loss and pain it'll bring in this world#compared to before i don't often put up a mask anymore. even if it's painful i choose to be authentic. i've improved in that sense#but it's not enough. perhaps i'm simply too harsh on myself; forgetting i am human and that i falter too. i'm not perfect n i shouldn't be.#even with my shortcomings there r ppl that stay. that say thank you. and. yeah. yeah.. that should be proof enough of real reciprocation#but.#i don't know am i really just so afraid of being forgotten? left behind? thinking of it n i used to write of that fear often back then#opening up to 'friends'. being told i was loved. that i would always have my place here#this is pathetic i grew up relying too much on success for my worth. i know i'm so much more but#i placed this on myself. this is the ocean i chose to drown myself in. so when i falter in the only thing i grew up being good that#bcs it hurts yk i used to draw. i painted a lot as a kid but what happened to that passion?#i used to write. a lot. but these past few years.. i don't know what's wrong with me. why it's so hard to do that again#piano. if i continued i would have.. i really had the potential to be. good. i mean i#i've never been a genius i've honestly always hated being called that. i know i've always been naturally smart but.#my hard-work carried me further. and i'm not.. smart enough or good enough to be a genius. never have been.#hollow compliments. before hs it was like everyone really just knew me for my brain. nothing of the way i wrote or my passions. just smarts#so now i'm just a shadow; a ghost of who i used to be. in that aspect at least. but. now w my other strengths they've been faltering too#i'm sorry i should've been better i should do more i know i can. but maybe i. i've always overestimated myself#i think when i was around 6-8 before grade school i can't really remember anymore but there was this competition i think#i would've gotten second if i didn't hesitate. if i didn't fucking hesitate. n i think that always stuck with me#bcs i was really quite the timid shy kid. even though i was older i wld be the one following apollo.. i'm sorry. they deserve more than me#bulbel is making me cry bye wtf
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poses
im gonna be normal today
#(lying)#mara's shit#i've been weirdly emotional about narratives lately (ik ik but like more than usual)#2 days ago i had a few hours long conversation with logan talking about#how much we love ciel nosurge and how it presents its story#and if tsuchiya is the head writer for any projects coming forward we'll get into it no matter what 100%#and yesterday i had a real normal one about sv. it was also late and i should have been asleep so yeah false feelings at 12am#but i do love it#and now i still want to. draw and create but im handicapped by not being able to draw how i want to yet#idk. i have feelings for novels and narratives and what could be and wont be#and im not gonna reread the sv extras when i get to them im gonna directly find another book#i might give myself more time before going back to tgcf bc i Know i will be#insufferable about it as i read#anyways all that to say im sorry if i ended up being annoying about it. it will continue#just ignore me honestly 👍 love u
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