#thanks for reading my public diary I really needed to post something like this

[xx-sharpfawngz-xx]

Man, at this point if I want to ship characters with people, I should like read a handbook or something on how to like. Flirt and shit

Like a week ago I went out with this dude from The Tindies and like we hung out for like 5 hours and at some point he was like 'he he I'm never sure if these things are dates...' and I was like 'hm, of course this isn't a date, I literally don't know you. The next time it'll maybe be a date if we decide that's, like, the vibe we're going for." and I thought I was so normal until I told that to my bestie and he did his little 'Man, I literally love you so much' thing that he does every time I do something stupid 😭

[honeycrispjamz]

I was the anon that sent the abo thing (certified travis hater) you have permission to post it yourself 🙏🏻 I don't mind lmao

I would resend it but I'm ngl I don't remember half of what I said other than the basics

Oh thank god im so glad you got back to me 🙂‍↕️🫶

(Here’s the og ask for those wondering ^^^^)

Lottie being an alpha is just so right to me like,,, she definitely thought before she presented that she was going to be a beta just based off how she operates through social interactions, but realizing she’s an alpha really does help her self confidence. She feels more in control of her life, if that makes sense? Especially out in the wilderness where she helps the other girls. She still feels a little conflicted about taking care of most of the omega girls, especially since she is off her medication and isn’t sure how much of what she’s picking up on is imagined or real, but as the months go by she settles into her role quite well!! There’s a sense of security that she feels knowing the girls feel safe enough with her to let her mate them (of course, only if the other girl asks for it— Lottie never assumes that just because someone is in heat that it means she needs to do anything more than make sure they are comfortable and hydrated.)

It took Nat a long time to be public about her status, and I really only think she is public about it in the wilderness and no where else (especially as an adult, she closes herself off to that part of herself best she can) BUT when she is!! In the wilderness she does embrace her softer side just slightly. She definitely is omega4omega in my personal opinion, but that doesn’t mean she doesn’t let Lottie help when her heat comes around. It did take a long time to convince herself to let Lottie help, though. She feels a little more comfortable with Misty or (ew 😔) Travis mostly because they are also omegas and there is less of a power imbalance. She lovessssss kissing other omegas, especially Misty. Everything gets hazy and soft and just feels safe

I would love for Shauna and Jackie to be perfect alpha/omega but in reality I think Shauna hid her alpha status from Jackie in an attempt to feel like she had some control over her life. Of course, it only makes everything worse. Once they are out in the wilderness, everyone’s statuses become apparent. Shauna was still able to hide for a while due to her pregnancy, but of course when Jackie read her diary she found out about Shauna’s status. I think Jackie even tries to initiate something with Shauna a few days before doomcoming, anything to show Shauna that Jackie wants to be hers. Shauna doesn’t take it that way, though, and she pushes Jackie away out of fear. Very very messy situation,,,

TAIVAN ALPHA4ALPHA 🦅🦅🦅🦅 this is so real to me like. They definitely bonded with eachother a few months into being in the wilderness (probably during doomcoming) and they absolutely do NOT think they are missing out by having no omega. In fact, they both like it that way— there’s something very special about having another alpha submit, emotionally and physically, especially to another alpha. I think Van finds the bitching aspect of it way hotter than Taissa does, but that doesn’t really put a damper on anything. Taissa being a secret knot lover is also my truth,,, she refuses to tell anyone this but she loves having Van inside of her,,

Misty my sweet,,, is omega through and through so sorry,,,, despite being omega4omega with Natalie, she does desperately want Natalie to bond with her/mark her. Of course, Natalie would never do that, but they get really really close to it all the time. They love grinding against each other pretending it’s going to do anything 🙂‍↕️ Natalie whispering in Misty’s ear that she’s going to knot her despite not having the anatomy to do so 🙂‍↕️🙂‍↕️🙂‍↕️ their heats also sync up out in the wilderness, so most of the time they either take care of each other or go to Lottie together (package deal)

Laura Lee was the first one to be accepting of Lottie’s alpha status, especially since she worship her so much. I don’t think they got to mate/embrace before Laura’s death simply because the Christian girl repression is real and alive, but if they DID, Lottie was definitely so overtly gentle and kind of scared to hurt her. When Lottie goes in ruts, she keeps Laura’s dress near so she can smell it and think about her girl,,,,

Travis,,,,, sigh,,,,, is an omega,,,, fork found in kitchen,,,

[attic-club-sandwich]

Purr-ivate, Do Not Read

Day 4 of @ombrotherlylove2023! Okay this one is super silly lol. I just chose to go with the secrets part of the prompt with Satan. I actually got a chat in the game the other night (after I wrote this) that confirms that Satan's journal is canon and i was like 😮 But I hope you guys like it! Let me know what you think!

Summary: Satan has a secret, but not the kind of secret that his brothers are probably expecting...

Day 4 of Secrets & Satan with Belphegor.

Taglist: @amberrskiies, @obey-me-posts, @sassykattery, @delphi-dreamin, @bite-sized-devil, @flemmingbamse, @a-hidden-gem, @otomefoxystar, @siofrantic, @todothedodo, @marvelous-maniac, @nonbinary-disaster, @selfmadender, @animeismyhappyplace, @vampire-tr4mp, @meiloorun-tea, @ana-dear, @gaychaosgremlin, @sidgethegamer, @jasper-s-phantym

floral divider by @/saradika

Satan has noticed his brothers acting weird around him lately. Not the usual kind of weird, but the ‘i’m sneaking around behind your back and up to no good’ kind of weird. They had just finished up dinner for the evening, and Satan was about to retire to his bedroom. “Hey Satan! What are your plans for the rest of the night?” Asmo asked, almost too innocently. Satan tilted his head, confused. “What I usually do every evening, go to my room and do homework and read…why?” Asmo shrugged as he cleared the dishes from the table. It was his turn to clean up tonight. “Oh I was just wondering if you’d want to have a sleepover is all!” Satan gaped at him, wondering where the hell this came from all of a sudden. “A sleepover? Why would I want to do that?” Asmo pouted, clutching the plates in his hands and glancing suspiciously at Mammon who was also taking his time clearing off the table. Satan found this extra suspicious considering it wasn’t even his night to do the dishes. “Well I just thought that we could have a little brotherly bonding experience, is all!” Satan rolled his eyes. “No thanks, Asmo. I’m good.” he turned on his heel, ignoring Asmo’s whining and heading to his room. He had a gut feeling he was up to something.

As he opened his bedroom door, he noticed that the pin he had strategically placed on top of his door frame was now on the floor. That told him that someone had been in his room. Those bastards, he thought, picking up the pin off the floor. He put it there recently because he had a feeling they were sneaking around trying to look for something and he needed confirmation that he was right. He felt the familiar pit of rage boiling in his belly at the thought of them breaking into his room. “What the hell do they want?!” he huffed, hurrying over to his door to lock it. Suddenly he remembered something. The other night he was in the library, sitting in one of the big comfy armchairs writing in his diary. He wouldn’t even really call it a diary, but of course those fools walked in on him as he was focused scribbling down his thoughts. He had hastily shut his journal as soon as he realized they were trying to steal a glance at what he was writing. Satan rolled his eyes. Of course they probably thought he was writing down his deepest, darkest, and juiciest secrets in there…like he’d be stupid enough to do that in such a public area of the house. Satan huffed again as he walked over to his nightstand. He had locked the drawer with magic and It required a very specific incantation to unlock it. One that not even his brothers would be able to figure out. Once he had recited the spell, the drawer slid open with ease. He picked up his notebook, and flipped through the pages. They were full of pictures (including selfies) and notes he had taken of several stray cats in the area. He wasn’t allowed to have a cat thanks to Lucifer, so he had decided to keep a diary of all the cats he had befriended so far in the Devildom. This must be what they’ve been looking for, he smirked. Those idiots. 

A knock on his door disturbed his thoughts. “Hey Satan, are you in there?” Belphie. He tucked the diary under his pillow, and walked over to unlock the door. “Yeah, come in.” He figured Belphie was safe to let in, as he was one of the only ones that weren’t acting weird. His little brother smiled as he entered the room, and took a seat on the purple armchair in the corner of the room. “What’s up, Belphie?” he asked, suspiciously. The Avatar of Sloth shrugged. “You’ve probably noticed Asmo and Mammon being super weird lately, right?” Satan nodded, sitting down on his bed. “Yeah, they broke into my room today. Do you know what’s going on?” Belphie nodded, rolling his eyes. “They think you have some super top secret diary that you are writing all of your secrets in. Most importantly about your relationship with MC.” Ah, so I was right after all, Satan thought. “I had a hunch that’s what they were after. But I assure you, there’s no ‘secret diary’.” Belphie hummed, resting his chin on his hand. “I figured they were just being idiots. But what were you writing in the other night?” Satan’s face flushed. This may be more embarrassing to admit than a secret diary full of my feelings for MC, he thought. “Uhh, a journal…about cats…” he muttered, rubbing the back of his head. Belphie chuckled, a smile of amusement spreading across his face. “Wait, really? That’s all it was?” Satan nodded, hiding his face in his hands. “Yeah. Since Lucifer won’t let me have a cat of my own, i’ve been journaling all of the cats I meet here in the Devildom.” To his surprise, Belphie only nodded. “Yeah, Lucifer is a pain in the ass like that.” Satan lifted his gaze to meet his brothers. “So you don’t think that’s super lame?” Belphie shrugged, “I mean it’s less juicy than having a top secret diary but they will be in for a surprise if they do find your top secret cat journal.” Satan chuckled, imagining the looks of disappointment on their faces. “Yeah, but if it’s okay with you I'd rather they not find out anyway. They’ll never let me live it down.” Belphie yawned, stretching his arms over his head. “Yep, of course. Your secret is safe with me, the Anti-Lucifer League has to stick together after all.” Satan gave him a grateful smile, but he couldn’t help the lingering feeling of nervousness.  Of course he had an actual top secret diary full of his deepest desires regarding MC, but he wasn’t about to ever disclose the location of that. “Thank you Belphie. Although I may need your help with getting them off of my back for now.” Belphie shot him a mischievous grin, “Don’t worry. If there’s something I do best as the youngest brother, it’s digging up dirt on everyone else.” 

[delicateimage]

1. First of UNRELATED but FUCKKKKKK MY STIMACH HURTS SO MUHC KILL ME NOWWWWWW N E ways I so saw that after interacting with relatively normal people for the first time in a WHILE post covid (let’s be serious post middle school… like wow I was a loser emo.) and how people can actually LEARN from others instead of intense ridiculous ostracism for any minor differentiation, being online feels like this suffocating circus of charades to fit into any single community, entire ppl’s lives are online to compare to yourself and the comparison is just something that got so so heavy on me, to feel worthy in an internet landscape I had to jump through the hoops of regular teen identity dilemmas while also being out to adult standards of experience education and other standards I simply can’t or don’t give a fuck about achieving I could actually blab on about this forever so I’ll practice some discretion and zip it but thanks for the advice and experience!! Once I’m in physical college classes I hope I’m able to actually make irl friends for the silly reason of wanting to have fun. Human nature ig

2. INCOMIGNG BLABFEST OOPSIE but this made me think about how having a diary is truly the samsara (circle of life - also omg my dumbass had to Google it bc I forgot the name 😭) where in the moment the author can realize by embodying posterior perspectives while writing and in ongoing rumination about the finished product in order to cultivate a matured perspective on a topic, and how that rumination extends WELL WELL after the initial writing experience through memory recollection, and how this recollection is made unique through stimuli from one’s personal writing process, and even if memory fails you the archive of your writing from the inception of the ability to write and OMG THIS WAS SO PRETENTIOUS IM SORRY 😭 but like the ability to blab on about stupid drawn out shit and having the excuse of ITS MY DIARY don’t like don’t read teehee!! Is so fun and like idc everyone who is mad about that is so miserable and not as untouchably smart and superior as they think like how did you even become this ‘above’ us peasants, by WRITING. READING. Whatever. Also THANKS AGAIN YOURW WAY WAY TOO SWEET and also what accomplishments do you hope to achieve this year or in some eventuality?

3. This goes for all of Europe like Europe is so not real I can’t even imagine how tiny it is like it’s literally the size of FUCKING TEXAS and it’s supposed to be a ‘continent’….? Like what. How is it real that these geeks can go to France to turkey in the amount of time it takes to walk from dennys to your Honda civic in a Kentucky strip mall parking lot, like these people need to stop being as pompous about their public transport no matter how effective it is (it’s still really good and way better than the automobile market but let’s be serious ofc it’s easier to establish when your country takes five minutes by hopping on one foot to go from border control to border control)

4. Omg is there any sort of Union that could prompt lobbying for any type of repairs? Ofc it’s extremely doubtful it would get any sort of actual improvements bc MUH PROFITS but I hope the work environment there engenders some sort of small scale solutions by the workers like a really kind worker bringing in a fan…

5. UGH I WISHHHH canvas is too sophisticated NAURRR and also omg this school is making me feel SO stupid and inferior like I want so badly to be a scholarly and motivated student but I’m growing absolutely horribly and getting faced with failure from every direction I hate it so much

[beautyofsorrow]

20 questions for fic writers

tagged by @ceruleanphoenix7. tagging @zannolin (u can skip the stats questions <3)

1. How many works do you have on AO3?

91 visible to the public, which will go up to 92 in a couple weeks. 100 counting the ones i've perm-anoned

2. What's your total A03 word count?

317,174

3. What fandoms do you write for?

various star treks, some original work, and a lone yellowjackets and murderbot diaries fic each. plus some fringe, tho most of those have been perm-anoned

oh yeah and a barbie fairytopia: mermaidia fic that i wrote for a forthcoming zine. y'all aren't ready for that one

4. What are your top five fics by kudos?

lol. seeds of order, how shall i touch you unless it is everywhere?, what i have shaped into a kind of life, do you love the colour of the sky?, and bruised hips and salt-stained cheeks

5. Do you respond to comments? Why or why not?

if i have something to say, yes. i like it when readers really engage with what's on the page, because so often i have loads of meta or research or lore-building or background info that never made it into the fic but which i'm really excited about and enjoy info-dumping. comments that invite that kind of response are my favorite. i also really like it when they tell me how they felt reading it, or -- if the fic mentions a book -- that they went and read that book. i LOVE that shit and will talk books with people for days.

6. What's the fic you wrote with the angstiest ending?

discounting all my high school fic, which thankfully is no longer accessible to the public, we do what we do in the dark. love a good fucked up seven/jay fic

7. What's the fic you wrote with the happiest ending?

they pretty much all end happily? but the "happy" that feels most "me" is the end of the way old friends do, where seven leaves to go heal from bjayzl and icheb in her own way, alone, and tom and b'elanna send her off with the assurance they're there when she needs them. that felt very happy and healthy and aromantic to write. and aromantic endings are extremely important to me.

8. Do you get hate on fics?

i have been vagued about, sure. a few flames back in the day

9. Do you write smut? If so, what kind?

yes <3 femslash, always. it's pretty much just friends with benefits and/or angsty alterously attracted grief!sex now. no more romance for me <3 feels good feels organic

10. Do you write crossovers? What's the craziest one you've written?

i write trek crossovers all the time. i'd say my jadzia/raffi fic was pretty gutsy. as was pioneering the b'elanna torres/ro laren/kira nerys tag with a 3k post-canon oneshot on religious doubt and belief.

the weirdest like, true crossover (and only true crossover) i've written was a star trek: voyager/murderbot diaries fusion that i wrote in order to be matchable in a gift exchange. stupidly fun. i did not expect anyone to read that fic but people really really liked it, and i am so thankful for all the kind commenters, because that fic held a lot of personally important elements to me.

11. Have you ever had a fic stolen?

nottt that i know of, and i don't go looking, because that's just a lot of work i don't need in my life

12. Have you ever had a fic translated?

i don't think so

13. Have you ever co-written a fic before?

yeah, i think about 3 times?

14. What's your all-time favourite ship?

b'elanna/seven

15. What's the WIP you want to finish but doubt you ever will?

probably the b7 griddlehark au i'm APPARENTLY writing now. it takes two 500+ page books as inspiration. yes. it's a multichap. i swore them off. i know.

16. What are your writing strengths?

oneshots, nailing the character voices (or knowing when i didn't), pretty sentences, rhythm, lore, sensory details, queering the narrative, smut

17. What are your writing weaknesses?

finishing shit. also plot. who the hell has the attention span for plot? not me [stares in despair at WIPs]

18. Thoughts on writing dialogue in another language for a fic?

i'm monolingual, so i don't

19. First fandom you wrote for?

lord of the rings

20. Favourite fic you've ever written?

probably come on and prove it. i reread it weekly. no one wants to admit they like it on main but i see ur private bookmark count and your 50% guest kudos rate lol. i knocked it out of the park with that one.

honorable mention to of warm limbs hooking your heart to the world and it's not the weight you carry but how you carry it. my beloveds.

[tutuandscoot]

I admit that as a long time fan I’m cynical and sometimes scan through your posts. But you’re spot on when you say that people imposed their fantasy on VM and interpreted the actual care and support that was there to fabricate a romance instead of enjoying the beautiful partnership that was actually there. I am still sad that so much of my time watching VM was colored by that narrative (though I never believed they were a couple) and sadder still that I saw how nasty the fandom was and am now kind of bitter against some fans as a result and find it hard to watch some of the content we get now without being super cynical.

I love how you get to experience them in a refreshing positive way. Thanks for sharing that.

Honesty.. I’m an incredibly cynical person in general. So in a way this is my outlet to not be like that (I know.. not being cynical.. on the internet.. lololol) and actually see the beauty in these athletes and artists I admire so much (coming from a similar world I relate to them so much in that respect) but also this truly beautiful relationship.

I hate that so much cruel, fabricated BS exists out there. I know by speaking what I at least believe is the truth- and is really just reiterating what they say at face value.. isn’t gonna make up for the fact there was so many and at a glance, the rare times I look at other blogs, still conversations so obsessed with what gets written about them on reddit or Twitter or here disgusts me and frankly is sad that people really waste their time talking shit about them- they obviously aren’t fans of them or care about them, and not that TS need us randoms on the internet to care about them- they have those people in their lives that actually value them as people and not ‘famous celebrities’ (I hate that word and refuse to call them that).

I just don’t understand why people can’t just hear what they say and believe them and see them as a rare instance of people who have achieved so much and people know who they are but despite all that success are obviously just so grounded and really understand how to be good people. I hate how they get attacked for not speaking up about certain topics and in general just the way people fabricate their lives on social media. It’s disgusting there’s no other way to put it.. all the actual people in the world doing really shitty things and actively making peoples’ lives worse yet there’s those who chose to attack true angels like TS.. I’ll never understand it.

The reason I started this blog was just because I had so many thoughts and no one in my life was as fascinated by them as me so it was just a place to put those thoughts down and thankfully I kinda fell back into this all backwards and by the time I came to tumblr.. I had such a solid opinion of them no amount of bullshit I came across later really even seemed plausible, along with I did a lot of tumblr research before I even started posting so thankfully when I did start I had a direction for the posts I wanted to make and share and opinions I wanted to state while avoiding the majority of the crap. I would not have survived at all had I been on here back then. I struggle to engage with anything about their personal lives (I fully believe it’s none of my business to comment on) even posts about Scott’s coaching or other IAM teams, figure skating in general. If I want to know what TS are up to I’ll follow their IG’s, give them a like and carry on with my day.. I’m really not that interested in the discussion (fine if people are, I just have ethical issues with most of it).

I’m like you, I can’t really follow other blogs out of fear I might read something from nasty people still talking shit, so I kinda just have to put my thoughts out there without engaging in others coz so many of them appear negative. Which is fine with me (that I don’t engage), like I said this is basically a little public diary for me. I think I’ve said (to you before I’m assuming you’re the same anon) I hate the thought of true genuine fans being here a few years ago just wanting to appreciate them for what they are and met with bullshit fabricated lies, unfortunately that’s social media is general now, so without at all making myself out to be a saint of some kind I hope even a small group of us can engage in or even just read positive discussions that calls out the ridiculousness of people frothing over simply two best friends who saw the entire world in each other.

Always warms my heart to know people read my posts and get joy out of them coz I do writing them and yes it’s selfish but that’s why I do it, this is my hobby so the fact it makes others happy makes me happy 😊

[nathank77]

12/5/24

8:44 p.m Significantly Added to..

I'm not going to stop freaking out about my eye but I did want to talk about baby Reindeer. And how i relate to it in more ways than most people.

I remember when Stacey stalked me. Legit stalked me. And i had to press charges against her. She would make these images like Martha had on her fb page, of her face on other people and usually mine as well.

The way Martha reached out to his family and his partners. My ex had to press charges on her as well as my exes parents.

The show was triggering to me but endearing and so relatable in so many ways. Martha was endearing. so was Stacey. I felt bad for her. That's why it took me so long to press charges on her...

It feels odd being stalked.. you're adored. You're someone's obsession. You're drawn to them, you have a soft spot for them but you're also repulsed by them and what they are doing to you and your life and the people in your life.

Sometimes I wonder if Elise feels that way about me. I don't call her. I don't text her. I don't show up places.. although I did show up places when I was deeply delusional at the beginning of psychosis but thankfully never her house... thank baby lord Jesus i wasn't that far gone.

I didn't do the things Martha does. And I'm not obsessed with Elise but I adore her. I love her. I am not obsessed with her. I won't pursue her in anyway. Yet I write. On a public blog. And sometimes she's no where to be seen and othertimes she's sprinkled into every post.

I wonder if she just feels sorry for me. She couldn't get a stalking case on me. I didn't do enough. But that doesn't mean that she can't feel the same feelings I felt about Stacey. The same feeling Donnie felt about Martha.

Idk it really got me thinking. And I worry that to Elise, I'm just a fucked up mentally ill kid. What if I scare her. What if she just feels bad for me. What if I'm just some voicemails and text messages I'd never send away from becoming her stalker?

I loved the show but it really made me think about Stacey and Elise. And how they are very different. But how I love Elise and maybe writing about her is something like this. It's not enough but if I ever did reach out or show up, which i never would, bc I want her to be happy, and I want her to want to be in my life. But if I did I'm not much different than Stacey. I love her so much that I'm okay with her absence bc I'd rather her be happy than me try to force my way into her life.

I hope she doesn't feel sorry for me. I hope she doesn't feel like Donnie. She knows I adore her. But its never going to go further than this.

Yet I still see how she could feel like Donnie after reading my blog. All my words, all my essays about her. Over a hundred thousand words. And I still can't stop hoping one day she will see past all this and want to have me in her life but if she doesn't, then it ends where it ended. Which to me is very depressing but I respect her and what she wants.

Yet I know what's it's like to be Donnie and feel what Donnie felt. And in a less extreme way. A way that is out of love and not obsession, I know what it feels like to be Martha or Stacey except to have the restraint to not push further than I have.

Idk why i write here other than I don't think i would write if I didn't write on tumblr. I try not to talk about her but even if the illusion of her is all I have she gives me hope. And I need hope. I always wrote on tumblr but not like I have since getting psychosis where it became a daily diary blog. I would post sometimes daily, sometimes once a week. I know i write here bc I've tried to write in a more private way and I just don't want to. I've tried to write in a paper diary. I've tried to write on word. I've tried to write in apps on my phone and I just idk. It doesn't feel right. If I didn't write here I wouldn't write..

So i write on a public blog and I feel like Martha in a way, so desperate to be loved. To be adored. To be appreciated. To be seen. To have someone actually see her. To have someone actually see me. To see something in someone else, and to at least at one point know they saw something in you and something very special was there but then to know you're too damaged for them. Even if you never push the limits too hard bc I acknowledge i pushed more than I should have. It not being qualified to be a stalking case doesn't mean I didn't overdo it... that's the sad part that it doesn't cancel it out, it almost equals it but it doesn't entirely and I can't forgive myself for it..

I write here bc i wouldn't write at all if I didn't. Writing helps me cope with my feelings since I have no one to talk to and I don't really have therapy or support. It helps me think too.

Yet I hope she is reading. And I hope she doesn't feel sorry for me. I hope she adores me. And I hope she wants me in her life and it's just a matter of when. I hope she is here. I think she is but I can't help but wonder if it's just bc she feels sorry for me or maybe she wants to know if and when I'll snap if I were to drive to her house or something. ID NEVER. But I mean I try to put myself in her shoes.

Boy with psychosis. Obsessed/in love with me. I'm not obsessed but once again putting myself in a sane person's mind it may look like obsession. I refer back to my obsessive love post on dopaminergicaddictions. It's not obsession... but nonetheless. If I weren't me and I looked in I might just see it from this angle.

And it makes me want to cry to think that she may feel that way about me. I write here to escape. I write about everything but she's laced in here all over the place. And I wonder if I'm her less extreme Martha. Someone who even in 10 years wouldn't show up or call her. Yet I adore her and I want her to adore me but how could she after she's seen my blog?

I'll remain a ghost to her. Yet I'll write here. And I might be her less extreme Martha or maybe the reality of it is i am her less extreme Martha.

Maybe I'm just that crazy delusional kid who never grew up and who is unstable to her.

I don't deserve to know her. I'm glad I met her. However I wish we never met as to spare her of all of this. I know she's been here. I know she's seen some of it. And if we never met she would have never seen this.

And then I wouldn't be her crazy "stalker."

[daebors]

cw: venting a little at the start

it's currently 11:32 and I'm feeling super anxious. I'm writing on here because doing something on tumblr usually helps to distract me when I'm nervous. I'm not nervous about anything in particular I don't think. I have generalised anxiety disorder (which truthfully isn't diagnosed, but there's not point of getting one, I know what it is and I can't be bothered to pay or something like that)

I need to read a book named how to stop worrying and start living. it's pretty old I think, but I was invertedly recommended it. I'm wondering if I should get the book or the audiotape. I mostly read in public—wouldn't reading a book like that in front of people be embarrassing?

well I guess that's what the book is about. I need to wash my hair but it's too late to do that now. I'll try to remember in the morning but I always forget these kind of things.

I'd usually say something like this to a hotline or something, but most of them open 24/7 are voice call only which me, being mute, cannot handle lmao. the webchat ones are usually only open until 12 and they always have the worst queues. one time I waited for two hours, but by the time I was at the front of the queue, I could only have a five minute section as it was too close to midnight.

I made an ao3 account though! I think I'll write stardew valley fanfiction. I've already written a bit of a choose your own adventure fanfic, but I'm not sure if I'll showcase it on here. it wouldn't be that difficult to find once it's published though haha.

I sent in my cringey kids' youtube channel to a youtuber I watch often. I hope he doesn't laugh at it or is at least nice about it if he sees and doesn't judge me too harshly. I'm pretty certain he reads my instagram dms to him... I suggested one video and he ended up making a video using that a week later and then back in august I suggested he watched this show for a video and he uploaded an hour long video watching that show only a week ago.

I hope I am making some sort of impact on his life, even if it's small. I started watching him in 2014 when we were both 16. I can't help but think what could have happened if I tried to contact him sooner when he had a smaller audience and was more prone to messaging back. I think we would have been friends, maybe, or maybe that's wistful thinking or whatever they say...

I used to write in my diary everyday. I haven't for ages now as I just kept forgetting and forgetting. I've decided to not be so hard on myself when I do forget and only do it when I really want to. when I'm away from my pc and unable to blog straight away, maybe I'll write it down in my diary to send out later? or maybe that's stupid and I should just write it on my phone so I can copy paste it.

I was watching an analysis of penny from sdv earlier. I didn't watch until the end as it got to her 10 heart scene and marriage stuff which I haven't played through before, but so far I found it super interesting. I love penny. I love all the bachelors and bachelorettes in their own special way, to be honest. I like to think that I see the best in people... or at least fictional characters.

I'm too tired to continue so here's the end of this looong text post. I might post again tomorrow, or next year, who knows.

thanks for reading :) if you want to see more of my life updates feel free to follow me

[rayuzaku]

The two Readers of a different genre.

Warning: this post may involve spoilers for both Umineko and ORV and is meant for people who have already read both.

Something that caught my eye when I initially read ORV is about how Kim Dokja really reminds me about a certain other character: Ange Ushiromiya from Umineko No Naku Koro Ni.

And if you think about, they're both have similar circumstances and are dealing with similar traumas with the difference being how they handled those trauma.

Kim Dokja grew up with an abusive father and at some point caused his death leading to his mother willingly taking the blame and even writing a story in order to shift the story from murderer to son of a murderer. But that doesn't change the fact that Kim Dokja's story was sold to the public and although it hid the truth, it still affected his reputation greatly, leading to his miserable childhood until he found TWSA to cope with.

Ange was left out from the family conference due to her sickness which makes her the last survivor of the Rokenjima tragedy along with Eva. But with a similar light as KDJ, the Rokenjima tragedy was also sold to the public which also greatly affected Ange's reputation and giving her a miserable life, leading to her coping by living in her own fantasies.

Both of these characters use fantasy as an escape from reality, Kim Dokja with TWSA and Ange with Maria's diary. A way for them to stabilise their mental conditions and pretty much try and live longer than they could.

The difference however is how long it took them to quote on quote "wake up".

Ange was able to eventually accept reality when she killed the seven sisters, but she replaced her reason to live from living in fantasies to destroying the fantasy by unravelling the truth behind Rokenjima's tragedy which is just another coping mechanism which she centered her entire life into as she accepted that her entire life is a tragedy so she might as well live and die along with that tragedy. A child soldier as Amakusa would say.

Kim Dokja on the other hand never woke up from his fantasies and has centered his entire life around TWSA, still thinking that he is Yoo Joonghyuk and that he should sacrifice himself for the sake of the world. An unhealthy kind of selflessness born from the influence of his fantasies and desire for recognition and importance. Wanting to be the Protagonist. Which completely ignores the message that TWSA was meant to give him, which is to "live". Kim Dokja has basically misinterpreted the message that Han Sooyoung was meant to give him because the man just simply hates himself so much that all his sacrifices metaphorically translates to him thinking that his life is so meaningless that dying would be like giving the world a favor, without considering the people around him.

But same can't be said for Ange. Although she had centered her life around Rokenjima's tragedy, it is thanks to Battler's story that she was able give herself a better reason to live. The true essence of the Golden Truth. To change your view of the world for the better of your own life. Ange doesn't need to see her tragedy as it is and instead use it as a stepping stone for a better future. Not necessarily to let go but to know that her world doesn't need to be defined by that one singular truth.

That's basically the difference between those two. One lived out from her tragedy while the other stayed in his. The difference between optimism and pessimism. And the conclusions created by them.

[pantherinaeee]

trust the mirror, not the cameras - megathread part 2

in r/infp i posted some screenshorts from videos, saying that i look better in screenshots than in selfies. here are the coments...

YYY

I'm gonna try this too. I believe I look absolutely horrid in selfies and pictures. But in the mirror, I love my face structure and features; but I don't know for certain what people see, so it makes me feel insecure lol.

I think it might be the lighting on your pics that makes you feel that way, because I think you look the same. But honestly you look extremely attractive and cool in all of them. And that's something I very rarely say or admit to anyone.

PANTHERINAEEE

omg, thank you so much!! 🥹😭

All the images I posted are screenshots; I haven't posted any comparison selfies, haha. But I was really touched by your compliment. 🥹

And I have an answer to your question - actually, it's a long thread. I talked more deeply about this with someone else here in the comments if you'd like to read. [part 1]

Basically, cellphone lenses cause VERY high distortion to our faces, so never trust selfies; what you see in the mirror is what matters!

To give you an idea, a lens that doesn't distort your face much would have to be 2 - 5 meters away from you. So just imagine how round (like a fish eye) your cellphone camera needs to be to frame you from such a close distance.

Moreover, cellphones have a resolution capable of processing more information than our eyes/brain. Often, you can see lines of expression in the camera that you can't see with the naked eye.

So, don't feel bad if you don't look good in photos; you are beautiful just as you see yourself in the mirror! 💕

To get a sense of this, ask someone to take a serious front-facing photo of your face with the 1x lens on your cellphone, then ask them to step back and take a photo with the 3x lens. You'll see how absurdly different it looks!

Finally, I think I look better in videos because I have natural expressions. When someone takes a photo of me, I automatically tense my facial muscles unintentionally. Our expressions and how we communicate say A LOT about our image, even influencing our features. My mom took a visagism course, and this was a major point of attention when analyzing someone's facial characteristics!

YYY

Oh, I thought the comparison photos were mixed in lol. I was looking at them and thinking, "hmm... yeah I don't see a difference." [striked to focus on the central subject] You're welcome on the compliment. I almost never compliment strangers. Not to be weird, but I truly rarely see an actual beautiful woman in general out in public or even on social media lol. And I would see a lot when I'm out in public. Most women, I don't really see any "highlighting" features about them, and dont see anything that draws my attention(not saying their ugly). If at most, only maybe 1 or 2 max highting features, but thats rare. But I see about 5 highlighting features on you. Your thick eyebrows, your eyes, high cheek bones, your nose shape, and lips. Just, wow. Then also your hair color and style looks awesome. And youre also an INFP personality type just the same as the most interestesting celebrities; Johnny Depp, Robert Smith(The Cure), Morrissey, Heath Ledger, Ian Curtis(Joy Division), Kurt Cobain, Jim Morrison, John Lennon, Edger Allen Poe, Björk, etc. Like really, who's cooler than these INFP celebrites? Lol We have the coolest personality type. So you have both the looks AND the personality. You look like you were crafted by Tim Burton. If you have any insecurities about your looks would be the same if like Ian Somerhalder/Damon Salvatore from The Vampires Diaries Season 1 had insecurities about his appearance and style. I would truly be surprised if you were in slightest bit insecure about your appearance.

Ok. Also, Thank you for the compliment. It really did make me feel better and in a way, made me feel a little validated haha.

It was a lot of very interesting information you've shared. My knowledge on photos and the drastic effects in has if not taken from the right distance and lens was almost nonexistent. I thought all cameras were just bad and avoided them haha. But this definitely sheds new light and aspires me more to start post myself on social media. For the longest time, I almost never posted a picture of myself on any social media at all (maybe only twice) because of how insecure I felt in photos. Of course I would never tell anyone my insecurities lol, but when I posted my photo online somewhere I would get compliments and women would be a lot nicer to me, and that would confuse me severely and made me question their motives haha.

I think I know what you mean about the facial expressions and how even tensing the muscles a little can alter a person's appearance. There was this colleague I used to see regularly. I noticed this person with an extremely blank relaxed facial expression would always stare directly at me and "follow" when I would walk by in the vicinity. This went on for months and this person's face was always the same impassive expression. I thought it would be funny to walk up to this person with the same expression and just tell a dry joke in a bored tone and see if I can make them laugh lol. I saw them one day, and I walkled directly towards them with the same facial expression and they were just staring at me all bored walking up to them. I told my joke and we would stare in each other's eyes with a blank relaxed expression and once they understood the joke I told; I saw their eyes, face, and neck area tense up a little for a second before turning their head to audibly laugh quietly and hide their face. But in that one second moment, their face looked drastically different. It was at that time I learned how "telling" micro facial expressions can be. And I've been getting okay at reading them haha.

But thank you very much for all of the information you've shared. I'm now interested in experiementing with camera lens and distance. I feel I might even be open to posting myself online now. I might even pick up photography.

PANTHERINAEEE

(...) [removed to focus on the central subject]

About the lenses, it’s not just a matter of distance. I mentioned this because cell phone lenses are 24mm (the iPhone 15 Pro Max has lenses of 24mm, 28mm, and 35mm) and the lenses that cause the least distortion range from 50-80mm, with 80mm being the most accurate. As these lenses have a smaller field of view, meaning they zoom in on the image, to take a portrait, you need to stand far from the camera.

Despite this, even the 24mm lens takes better photos when we move away from the camera! And we can also take photos with the 35mm lens. The 35mm lens makes our faces look rounder haha, but I think it’s much better than the 24mm.

Message me in the DM, and I’ll send you comparisons!

SHORT YOUTUBE VIDEO

LONG YOUTUBE VIDEO

[yourlocalbimexican]

2024 sillies

annnnd we’re back! I haven’t put up another online diary thought space thing yet because I wanted to put something meaningful and since it’s the new year and stuff has happened I figure now is a good time.

first off, Mickey Mouse (or steamboat willie or whatever his name is) has entered the public domain. I can’t wait to see all the good (and absolute dogwater) content about him tgat will come out soon. With any luck we might get something meaningful.

next I wanna talk about my (not really) predictions for this year. I guess they’re not really predictions but more like “things I want to get accomplished while also not stressing about doing them” type deal. I want to do these things but I don’t want the whole New Year’s resolution stigma in my head about them. Anyways here is the list:

1: write a (short) story/fanfic and post it.

I have been writing a little story of mine that I’ve been cooking up for a while. I used to just fantasize about it in my head and imagine writing it out. However, I recently have put pen to paper (so to speak) and begun writing out this silly little story. I do wanna post it. Probably on AO3. If I end up drawing art around it I’ll post that here. However I don’t know how long that’ll take and like I said earlier, I don’t wanna pressure myself into writing or drawing anything I don’t feel like writing or drawing just because I said I would at the beginning of the year.

2: Publicly come out

yeah this is pretty self explanatory. The only people who know I’m Bi are my parents and whoever is reading this blog sooo yeah. I want to (at the very least) tell the rest of my family (maybe not my younger siblings since I don’t think they would understand/ need to know) I wanna wear a bi pin or get a small flag for my room. A little self expression if you will. That might be difficult though because of where I live lol (USA for future reference)

3: Learn Spanish

okay yeah I know that is probably the lamest one out of the three but I’ve been meaning to learn Spanish for a while now I just haven’t had the time. This year ima try to put more effort towards it (maybe get duolingo or something) again, not gonna pressure myself,I’m gonna take my time.

alright with that out of way I’m going to wrap it up for now. Like side note for those who care, this year is a leap year! Not really important but it’s the little things. Anyways for those who may be reading this, thanks for doing so. I’m pretty sure I said this on my previous blog but if not I’ll repeat myself. This is an online diary type thing. Just my thoughts and what’s going on in my life. Maybe I’ll put art here, maybe not. If you wanna you can leave a comment or heart this or whatever but it doesn’t really matter to me. Anyways, have a good day/evening/afternoon/life.

[gothprentiss]

here, here, here, lemme tell you a lil bit about the landscape of literary studies and also the ways that meaning works in literature. it’s true that biographical criticism like this is a thing people do, and that there are Big Scholarly Books out there in which Big Professor Endowed Chair at The Iviest League English Department filches through the life of any given author and makes some arcane argument about how their literature works as a result of 2-3 details about their upbringing. sure. i grant you this! but i need you to sit down with me and think about it for a second. how does literature happen? how are texts produced? you got it boss: there’s rounds and rounds of edits, revisions, second and third and fourth and fifth and even more ordinal numbers of eyes on the thing. “why are the curtains blue” isn’t a question that only post-publication readers ask, it is a question that might have been offered up to the author by one of their preliminary readers. and the answer might have been “i like blue” or it might have been “well, you see, when my mother died…” or it might have been “it’s the. sad color. c’mon man.” or it might have been “well this is a little boy’s bedroom so this seemed like the most statistically likely color” or who knows what else.

the second thing is that this idea that authors are, effectively, automated by their own lives and thus their work can be decoded by biographical information is really not good for your reading. that’s overselling it somewhat— if you subscribe to the idea above, you probably don’t think that there’s a biographical answer for all literary devices, but rather that occasionally some things are a result of the author’s personal history shaping how they view the world and make meaning— and this is true, sure. but this is an impossible principle to bring to bear on reading. that impossibility is famous— one of the Big Works of new criticism is wimsatt & beardsley’s “the intentional fallacy” (1946) which points out that this method of analysis has a very hard limit, which is how much you can come to know about any given author. it’s not a good method, to be writing letters to x or y or z famous author being like “so what’s this thing you keep doing with birds about? is it about the death of your mother??” you’ve seen how this can play out with that tiktok or whatever about richard siken telling a kid to fuck off for sending him an invasive email. but on the other hand, the author might write you back and be like “oh, thanks for asking! so when i was a kid, i had this pet bird…” and there’s your article. of course, you haven’t really done analysis here. you’ve essentially conducted an interview. this is obviously even more problematic when you start looking back at older and older works— what are you going to do when john donne adds color imagery to a poem about his daughter’s death? are you going to think about the well-developed language and symbolism of color— are you going to look through his work to see how he uses color, and limit your inquiry to there? maybe the curtains are blue because the poet read robert lowell’s “father’s bedroom” and saw in those blue curtains an incredible expression of grief which had nothing to do with their own.

and that’s the other thing. maybe the author is simply developing a particular language of color and symbolism across their work. maybe this comes from an appreciation of other texts, maybe it comes from something unrecorded going on in their lives (which they, you know, didn’t write a diary entry about just to help you Really get your teeth into their emotions), maybe blue is just their favorite color and they don’t remember the color of the curtains from the room where their mother died because grief narrowed their vision to just the deathbed, and the woman in it. trying to make this assumption is specifically bad literary analysis. you are mistaking deliberative and crafted art for a combination of tacit personal history and unconscious production of meaning, which runs contrary to the whole project of both production and analysis.

anyway. the other reason this is obviously bad literary analysis is that it is specifically what people teaching literary analysis are trying to teach you not to do. i have spent whole semesters trying to impress on students that looking for biographical answers limits their capacity to engage in meaningful analysis, and sets a particularly hard limit on the kinds and depths of meanings they can find in literature. it’s an arbitrary and flawed method and if it’s the kind of literary analysis you’ve been reading, ya gotta find some new stuff

this sucks so bad!!!!

[indiaalphawhiskey]

I respectfully disagree with your last post (as an author). I’ve been in this fandom for 6 years and noticed it’s a little bit toxic when it comes to certain issues that should be normal and obvious to anyone.

I don’t get the “I choose the people I want to take criticism from” part. Ok, so why posting your work on a public page for independent writers where every subscriber will be able to read it and comment on it? Just send it to the people whose opinion matters to you and have a discussion about your work with them. If you post your work on a public page made specifically for independent writers, you are automatically posting it for everyone on that site. And every person has opinions on things and feels invited to express it if that particular thing is public and comments are open (I’m talking about respectful opinions, not slurs and offending someone).

If it was only for you and the people you actually want to get feedback from then wouldn’t it be easier to create an “élite” group where you read your work and then discuss it together? Because your post sends a very negative and exclusionary message to people that are reading your work for the first time or without knowing you as an author. It really seems like you are saying “dear readers, your opinion doesn’t matter to me so unless it’s positive I don’t want to hear it because this fanfic was written for me and this list of people.” Then don’t post it. But why making people feel excluded or bad because they did something normal just because they didn’t know it wasn’t written “for them” as you said in your post. And constructive criticism is just an opinion too as long as it doesn’t contain vulgarities, you don’t have to listen to it. Other’s opinion shouldn’t change the way you feel about your work but you also shouldn’t make them feel uncomfortable and bad for expressing it in a respectful way on a public page.

I know that authors on AO3 aren’t paid and that’s just for fun, but that’s what every page like AO3 is about: putting your work out there for other people to read with the possibility to express their personal opinion in a respectful way (I mean, you CAN disable the comments). Why making it public and then complaining and making other people feel bad for expressing their opinion on it? It’s not a diary or a personal Instagram profile.

So, first off, thank you for saying you respectfully disagree with me. I appreciate that you’re trying to be polite. 

There are many different ways I can answer this ask, because there’s a lot to discuss here, however, I’m exhausted by this conversation and have tackled it many times before, so I’ll link things when I see fit and get straight to the point.

My question for you is this: What is the purpose of you posting negative  (even though well-worded, polite, and tactful) unsolicited comments on a person’s fanfic? Why do you do it?

That’s not a rhetorical question, I really want you to think about the answer, because, for something to be called “constructive criticism” (which is specifically what we’re discussing here, versus the opposite “destructive” criticism) there has to be a point beyond just the fact that “it’s a public forum” and therefore, you feel entitled to express your opinion, whatever it may be. (That reasoning, btw, is called entitlement. No one said you weren’t allowed to have an opinion, but if you’re saying it to the author with no constructive, bettering purpose behind it, then at worst, your intent is to hurt them, which is just mean, no matter how politely you word it, and at best, you’re saying your opinions and preference take precedent over the author’s own.)

There are three reasons that I assume one can have when posting constructive criticism on work/art:

1. You want to help make them be a better writer, both now and in the future. 

I, and other fellow authors, explain why this doesn’t work here and here, and there are more posts about it like this one, if you need to hear it from voices that are not from the Larry fandom (which I assume you do, since you said this is a little bit toxic here particularly.) 

I encourage you to read all those posts, to get a better explanation in context, but the gist of them is this: for something to be truly constructive (synonym: helpful), the source, the timing, and the tact is key. Let me demonstrate: There is a difference between telling a friend while shopping, “I wouldn’t buy that dress, it’s not the most flattering on you,” and saying, while you’re out at a club, “Oh, that dress isn’t the most flattering on you, I wouldn’t wear it again.” -- Both are honest, worded politely, and both will achieve the same outcome: she will not wear the dress again -- but only one of them will cause undue stress, embarrassment, and self-consciousness (under the guise of being helpful), and that is all due to tact and timing. At the store, she can change into something else, and won’t assume you think she looks awful the entire day while you’re out. At the club, the damage is done, there is nothing she can do to change it, and you’ve just ruined her night.

The same goes for writing. I have seen people gracefully and willingly rewrite their entire first drafts based on astute and even harsh comments on their work, by their betas. I have never seen someone take down a fic and edit it based on a piece of constructive criticism given by a stranger on AO3. What I have seen based on that scenario, is people taking that criticism to heart and reflecting on whether or not they ever want to write again, because when they made themselves vulnerable, some people looked at it as an opportunity to ask for what would cater best to their own tastes, instead of appreciating the work as a true product of the author’s personal feelings and experiences. That results in less writers for the fandom, less content, and a whole lot of undue discouragement which is not something we want (nor is it actually constructive).

2. You want to engage the author in a deeper discussion of their work.

This is in direct answer to this part of your ask:

It really seems like you are saying “dear readers, your opinion doesn’t matter to me so unless it’s positive I don’t want to hear it because this fanfic was written for me and this list of people.”

You feel passionate (both positively and negatively) about my work? That’s lovely. I say, start a discussion with me. Ask me questions. Learn why I made those decisions. A discussion starts with an invitation to have a conversation (two ways, you say something, I say something, rinse repeat). It doesn’t start with “I didn’t like” or “This could have been better if”, and it certainly doesn’t start in a public forum, like the comments on AO3, where the writer runs the risk of looking like a defensive asshole. 

But India, you say, what if I don’t have the means to have a private conversation/the writer doesn’t have tumblr/they’ve long since been inactive in the fandom? The answers are, respectively: leave a polite comment asking if they’re willing to discuss, if they are willing to discuss, leave a polite comment asking how to contact them, and if they’re no longer active, find other friends with which to discuss your feelings in private.

But India, that seems like so much work. It is, flat out. But if you really felt that strongly about something I wrote, you would make that effort to understand it. Otherwise, why not just walk away?

3. You don’t know better.

I found this part of your ask extremely interesting:

“But why making people feel excluded or bad because they did something normal just because they didn’t know it wasn’t written “for them” as you said in your post.”

The reason I found it interesting is because it means that there are people who assume that all work that is public was made for them, to suit their tastes, which is, frankly, a bizarre way to consume art. I do not go into The Louvre, look at the Mona Lisa and say “I don’t see the hype, it’s not something I would hang in my living room.” I look at it and think “What does this piece say about Da Vinci and his life? What has this brought to the world? How has this helped people/art/culture?”

(No, I am in no way comparing my talents to Da Vinci, I am not delusional. But, I don’t think my work deserves any less thought than that of a professional artist, simply because I’m an amateur and it’s on the internet and not in a gallery, and you have the superpower of anonymity.) You asked me what the point was in posting my work publicly if I didn’t want to hear every single person’s personal (negative) take on it, and the answer is this: I post what I write publicly, because I hope it helps someone. I hope my thoughts, feelings, experiences, loneliness validate someone, entertain them, help them through a tough time, bring them comfort. I post because I want to invite people to lose themselves alongside me, heal alongside me, dream alongside me. 

(Notice how I said “someone” and not “everyone”. How I said “someone” and not “an élite group that discusses my work”, because yes, I do hope that my work positively impacts someone outside of my betas, my friend group. Does that mean someone can leave negative comments on my work? Yes. But should they? That’s a different question.)

I know my work won’t be a positive experience for every single person, but my goal was never to be relevant to every single person. So, my question is, if I’m not relevant to you personally -- if my work doesn’t touch you personally, heal you personally, entertain you personally, why not just walk away and find something that does? Who does your negative opinion really help? How is it constructive? What is its purpose? Why do you do it?

I will apologize for this, though: I spoke on behalf of all writers, and maybe I shouldn’t have. Maybe I should have been clear that though many writers feel this way, not all do. There are some, such as, I assume, yourself, who do view negative comments on AO3 as constructive, whether or not they are solicited, and I’m sorry to have spoken on behalf of you. However, I do still stand by this, though: it is much better to be kind than be right, and that definitely goes for comments on fic.

[hanijunk]

Alright boys, girls, and nonbinary folks of the world. It’s 5:36am (1/30 when I first started) as I decide to give up on my attempt to continue to focus on learning statistics, avoid studying for my two upcoming midterms, and put off my two actual essays for two different classes.

Instead we’re going into a dive about ✨ KazuFuuma ✨ . Is this me telling you you gotta ship it? No of course not, you’re entitled to your own ships! You don’t really gotta care about it as a ship. But I do want people to recognize it’s THERE canonically, and how disregarding it is extremely unfair to Kazuki as a character particularly. Also, I’m working on the assumption anyone clicking this at least knows the bare bones about what KazuFuuma (ex. You know they are a ship of Kazuki/Fuuma from Dolce, you know they are childhood friends, you know who Dolce is, you know about Honeyworks, etc.) I’ll be making references to specific things, but I won’t always go into heavy detail. Might just hope you know it or take my word for what it is, and go into analyzing it. Some I’ll put direct references to find, but some I’ll trust you can find it yourself. If you somehow read this MAMMOTH and want reference to a specific thing mentioned, hmu I can help you find it!!

Also I hate tumblr formatting sm if you legit wanna read this 7 page essay but hate tumblr format lmk I'll add it as a google doc link instead too. anYWHO

Before actually getting into the meat of things lemme preface some stuff.

Again it’s like almost 6am so this will be disorganized and very train of thought (and likely long due to the fact when I fly by the seat of my pants I’m known to get unnecessarily extensive). It’s definitely gonna be in large part why it’s important to recognize as a romantic relationship foundation and what about it shapes Kazuki’s character in particular. Maybe a bit of how it’s been built up and its general focus and implications. Dunno yet. We’ll see LMAOO

I say f*ck. Not a lot, just a handful of times. This ain’t something scholarly this is for my own enjoyment so if you don’t like that might not wanna read. And it’s not like spitefully I just curse a lot if you haven’t...read my tags before lol

Again this is through the lens of a Kazuki stan. Of COURSE I’m going to have some level of bias, but if anything that bias may help more than hurt because that means I become FIXATED and think a lot about Kazuki. Which plays into establishing just how important it is that Kazufuuma’s relationship is recognized, especially in a romantic light at this point. Lmfao. 

I’ll have a few more prefaces about the actual content below but to keep this from getting too long if you wanna read come below the cut owo

I have extremely limited knowledge of Japanese just taking a few classes in highschool (so like 3 yrs ago) and live in America. This means a lot of my knowledge is gathered through the english translations of the super duper incredible and lovely people in the Honeyworks fandom who provide translations (delaix and takanenene esp have provided so much for me being able to understand Dolce) and my own limited Japanese paired with Google Translate for things that remain untranslated.

This only will be drawing on information I have come in contact with and have access to and making assumptions based on that, most (if not all) of which is in the public domain. So things like the Dolce Manga Volumes released via Animate, exclusive 4komas, and Light Novels are out of my area for the most part (apart from again snippets of translations thanks to this fandom’s godlike and generous translators).

I will not be drawing on anything from the first Dolce album with the exception of Nade Nade. From a meta standpoint, I consider those songs as songs made as performance media as opposed to character explorations. Nade Nade is the exception because (1) it was released a whole year before the album and (2) you can tell it’s explicitly an exploration of Fuuma and Kazuki’s interpersonal relationship even if it’s in a slightly more performance based context than the songs that came out with the Dolce LNs. Easiest parallel I can make to show this is if you held Non-Fantasy, Yume Fanfare, and Samishigariya up against each other, you could tell the difference in intended audience and intended purpose the same way the Dolce 1st album, Nade Nade, and the songs of the LNs do respectively. Even if there is some basis to ground Kazufuuma, for the purposes of this essay I’ll be acting under the assumption the 1st album falls under the Non-Fantasy equivalent category.

THAT WAS A LOT OF PREFACING CONSIDERING LIKE 2 PPL WILL PROBABLY READ IT I just have a tendency to anytime I do anything analytical lay down ground acknowledgements for myself to work on just...cuz it makes me feel less guilty for any accidental misinformation even if I’m writing towards my future self to read lolll IM SORRY WITHOUT FURTHER TO DO HERE’S THE BRAIN DUMP

First let’s go ahead and establish why it needs to be recognized as an important relationship. Again, I’m a Kazuki stan. He’s my favorite character not only of Dolce but also of the entire Honeyworks series, and as much as I love him for reasons outside the ship, whether you like it or not Kazufuuma is an essential aspect of his character and narrative. Of course there’s the fact that him and Fuuma are childhood friends, so that’s going to in part define their characters and interactions with each other and those around them. They’re both going to be relevant to one another and important to one another’s stories to an even greater extent than the rest of the members of Dolce. But on Kazuki’s side at least, it’s an EXTREME amount. A running plotpoint in Dolce Diary is the sheer amount of dedication Kazuki has to Fuuma and how much his thoughts and decisions are influenced by Fuuma, whether it be how he feels happiest spending time with Fuuma, how he decided to get his piercing to represent he wanted to protect Fuuma, how he doesn’t want to dislike food so he can eat what Fuuma dislikes, etc. Not to mention running jokes about his borderline overprotectiveness and downright possessiveness of Fuuma, how proud he is when Fuuma gets praised, or that one 4koma that literally explicitly states he can read Fuuma’s mind when he thinks motherfucking ‘dirty thoughts’ about his childhood friend (Fuuma). I still don’t know what the fuck to make of that last bit. Genuinely. Or the fact it’s a fucking running joke. As in it’s not a one off. It’s been brought up multiple times. Kazuki what the fuck. 

That’s not to say that he doesn’t have character outside of Fuuma or he doesn’t interact with people other than Fuuma. He’s great friends with Sara, Girisha, and Kippei and is shown time and time again to have fun interactions with all of them, generally acting as the best support friend for every member of the group, not Fuuma alone. For instance how he helps Kippei with his self confidence issues or stays over at Sara’s to protect him from a cockroach (which he fails at lol). Nor is that to say all his interactions involving Fuuma focus solely on his devotion to Fuuma, especially in instances where the manga focuses on Dolce as a group dynamic (though even in that setting there are times where jokes about his devotion are thrown in). He’s kind, he’s stupid, he’s friendly, he’s an amazing character in his own right, and I love him for all those reasons. But that doesn’t change the fact a major part of his character and his character interactions are rooted in Fuuma, and arguably some of his most interesting, eccentric, and notable behaviors and traits revolve around Fuuma (again the mind reading for example).

Hell let’s take it one step further. If you look at the character bios of the Dolce members, you get everyone’s motives for being an idol and interests. Of them, Kazuki is the only one to have another character mentioned directly, not to mention that supporting Fuuma is explicitly stated to be his primary motive as to why he became an idol. Not even Fuuma’s sister is mentioned, though two arguments can be made for this. The first would be that Fuuma’s backstory about wanting to fulfill his dream for himself and his sister was decided later to explain Fuuma’s choice to crossdress though it can be argued it was intentionally done to leave it as a reveal at a later date, to which I would argue I don’t think this backstory was a choice in post. While Fuuma’s dedicated Dolce Diary extra exploring that backstory was released a little less than a year after Dolce was revealed, the preview to set up Fuuma’s backstory was actually the first thing released after the character bios on the Dolce Official Twitter page if you exclude a drawing of Dolce from Yamako. The second argument could be that information about his sister was intentionally withheld to set up the reveal when Fuuma’s extra released to explore it. However, going by that logic (which I do agree with), that would also mean that Fuuma’s inclusion and importance in Kazuki’s character bio also set up his dedicated extra, which I don’t think would be incorrect to assume considering what his actual extra turned out being.

Which brings me to the thing that makes it inexplicable to write off the romantic implications behind Kazufuuma: Kazuki’s dedicated Dolce Diary extra, Suki. I shipped Kazufuuma before even knowing of Suki, sure. But the fact that Suki even exists is a shock to me and drove into me the fact that Kazufuuma wasn’t just my own projection. Again, it’s not a surprise that Fuuma shapes Kazuki’s life. They’re childhood friends, of course they’re going to be important to each other. But this extra explicitly brought Kazuki’s feelings towards Fuuma under a direct spotlight. At first I was thinking oh, this extra was just to acknowledge the fact that Kazuki and Fuuma’s relationship can have romantic implications, but the end of it the conclusion that we got was that it didn’t matter what type of “like” he felt for Fuuma. Originally, I thought it wasn’t anything more than saying there are all types of like, and it doesn’t always need to be explicitly defined, but I appreciated the fact they were aware that they were writing Kazuki in a way that conveyed romantic implications. 

Then I thought about it because, again, I love Kazuki of course I’m going to think about his character extra, and realized...that’s not how these character extras have worked. There are only three character extras out as far as I know and have read: Fuuma, Kippei, and Kazuki. If we look at Fuuma and Kippei’s, each extra had a conclusion, sure, but they didn’t have a resolution. Rather, they were simply setting up explicitly what each character’s primary character arc and conflict were. Fuuma’s extra brought attention to the fact that he’s particularly a crossdressing idol by exploring the motives behind it. His choice to be a crossdressing idol is constantly under fire both by himself and the world around him. He’s not immune to those who consider his crossdressing strange, and a part of his story is both finding people who accept his decision to crossdress and to succeed for himself as a crossdressing idol. It’s an essential part of how we understand and define him as a character and it’s a central part of how he interacts with the world around him. For Kippei, it lays the severity of his insecurity under the spotlight and his journey and motives for improving himself. Again, this isn’t something isolated and resolved in the extra; his extreme insecurity and negativity is constantly affecting how he interacts with practically everyone from his fellow Dolce members to his fans despite the fact in all honesty? He’s fucking insanely talented in his own right, his own brother mentioning how smart he is and how he has amazing reflexes. For Kippei, his negativity is an essential part of how we understand and define him and central to how he interacts with the world as much as Fuuma’s decision to crossdress is to him.

Which brings us back to Kazuki, of course. In his dedicated extra, in the chapter that’s supposed to explore and establish and bring attention to an essential part of his character, the aspect of himself under investigation is how he feels about Fuuma. It’s not just how he behaves around Fuuma, it’s explicitly an exploration of his feelings, on top of the fact it’s explicitly an exploration about whether or not he likes Fuuma r o m a n t i c a l l y. Literally the conflict is spurred on by someone outright asking “Do you like him?” and having to clarify “I mean romantically.” What they decided to focus on for Kazuki’s character and emphasize and establish is that Kazuki’s like towards Fuuma toes the line between friendship and romance. His ambiguous feelings towards Fuuma (if we leave them inconclusive as Suki did) are just like Fuuma’s crossdressing and Kippei’s insecurity in the sense the weight of whatever those feelings may be are seen in how he interacts with the world around him and influences his behaviors. It would be another story if they introduced the potential and shut it down all within the extra, because then his central conflict would to me be less directly open to romantic potential and more simply about how his arc was meant to explore the dynamic of the behavior of an extremely dedicated best friend. The fact that he may be romantically attracted to Fuuma or may be only platonically dedicated to Fuuma is instead something that looms over Kazuki in the same way Fuuma’s decision to crossdress constantly looms over him. It’s what Dolce wanted to point to and say this is Kazuki’s central character conflict and central arc: exploring what type of feelings he has towards Fuuma. 

Sure, it can be argued that there’s only three Dolce Diary character extras, there’s not enough to be sure about that being the purpose of the extras unless we get the other two’s extras. First, at this point I honestly don’t know if or when they’re going to release an extra revolving around Sara and Girisha just because not only has it been over a year and a half since the latest Dolce Diary Character Extra (Kazuki’s) was released despite the gap between the first and latest Dolce Diary Character Extra (Fuuma’s and Kazuki’s) were within a year of release but also because the Dolce 4komas and comics they’ve been posting to Twitter have decreased (last one being over half a year ago) potentially due to them deciding to focus on releasing Dolce manga content through the purchasable volumes instead. (This is not particularly related to the Kazufuuma argument, just wanted to put out there my two cents on what Sara and Girisha’s extra/focal arc would be. Based on a large part of the Dolce Diary in conjuncture with Can’t an Idol Fall in Love, I’d argue Sara’s would be his journey to regain his passion for performing, and if it’s not that I’d say it’d be coming out of his self-imposed isolation and opening up to people again. As for Girisha, I have less of a concrete idea but I’m assuming it’d be something pertaining to how people often misconceive him whether it be in tandem with his determination, his optimism and sociability, or his stupidity/ability to ignore those misconceptions and work past them. But Girisha is treated like the comedic relief 90% of the time so I’m not entirely sure, but his primary conflict is definitely rooted in misconceptions of him being his roadblock imo. #MoreGirishaContentPlz) That being said, I personally feel like the three are already enough evidence, especially considering it would be honestly even more cruel for Kazuki’s character-centric extra to be focusing on something that wasn’t essential to his character and character arc, anyway. And though it’s not explicitly stated that these chapters are extras exploring a central character, you can kind of tell based on how they are (to my knowledge) the only Dolce Diary updates with cover/title cards each which include their focal character front and center. So working off that fact, the Kazuki-centric chapter established that a pillar to his narrative was his feelings towards Fuuma and that those feelings are still open to romantic potential. 

But if you follow me, this is why up until Can’t an Idol Fall in Love With Another Idol’s release, I was terrified of them writing that off. I would have been ok if it was just an arc that was given attention then continued to actively work in the background, as all the character arcs have been over all of Dolce’s content. The fact that they might be giving Fuuma a love interest and giving Fuuma a love arc while Kazuki’s feelings were still up in the air and were still the primary highlighted narrative for him would have been fucking scuffed. To me, it would be like… why would they make him so Fuuma-centric to the point that even his dedicated chapter was not just focused on Fuuma but focused on the ambiguity and potential of him having romantic feelings for Fuuma, yet reduce him to being Fuuma's designated right-hand man. Don’t get me wrong, friendships are just as important as romantic relationships. But again, rather than conclude Kazuki’s answer in Suki to be that his feelings were of friendship, they left it open ended and allow audience members to be actively aware that Kazuki’s feelings towards Fuuma still had potential to be romantically coded. It would just be so weird to quickly close off that narrative by giving Fuuma a love interest as opposed to letting Kazuki conclude it himself. It would be fucking beyond frustrating for me, at least Eventually, I kept trying to drive my hopes that they would explore Kazuki’s narrative at all down to the ground because it was a Fuuma-centric novel; maybe if anything they’d explore those feelings in his own novel after the fact. But then they kept having little drops here and there of Kazuki being even the slightest bit relevant and I’d go back to questioning “Are??? They??? Is this on purpose??? Do they know what they’re doing or are they just doing this because Kazuki’s just so important to Fuuma as his best friend that he’s there as his right-hand I genuinely can’t tell???” And um. Welp.

Safe to say Can’t An Idol Fall in Love sold me on the fact that they know what they’re doing LOL. And to anyone who thinks that Kazuki’s feelings can still be read as ambiguous in CAIFILWAI as opposed to explicitly romantic - whether it be due to a fear they may pull the “I like him as a friend” card or due to the disbelief that they have an explicit mlm main character in the Honeyworks series - I’d like to cover any bases that may make you think this way. If you think it’s just Kazuki acting like a protective friend, why do you think he calls Yui a rival? If you’ve only seen the MV and think it’s ambiguous or can be taken as the "likfe" for friend, then does that mean you think Yui’s feelings toward Fuuma are also ambiguous or as a friend? With the way Yui responds, she is trying to rival Kazuki’s feelings towards Fuuma. She and Kazuki recognize whatever feeling it is that they hold towards Fuuma, both of their feelings are the same type. I don’t think most people would argue that Yui’s confession about Fuuma was one of pure respect and friendship. Plus, if anything I’d argue of the three characters in the MV, Fuuma is the one whose feelings are left the most ambiguous despite him being the central character. It’s heavily implied that he may be forming feelings for Yui, but nowhere is it established either in the song or in the MV, especially if you compare it to Kazuki and Yui’s declarations or if you compare it to Sara’s feelings for Uru in Can’t An Idol Fall in Love. Fuuma’s romantic narrative here is trying to figure out how he feels for Yui, while for Kazuki and Yui they’ve established a rivalry because they both have mutually established they like Fuuma romantically.

If the MV isn’t enough for you and Suki isn’t enough for you for...some reason…??? You can check out the snippets of the light novel which the wonderful takanenene translated: one which revisits the conflict set up in Suki and one that covers the confession scene in the MV in more detail. If the fact that the conflict set up in Suki (aka the lurking feeling of not knowing if all he felt for Fuuma was only platonic or more than platonic) was specifically reestablished in the LN for anyone who didn’t keep up with Dolce Diary didn’t tip you off that it was something important, his behavior in the confession scene as depicted by the LN definitely should have. He’s possessive about his spot by Fuuma’s side. He doesn’t want that spot to be taken by anyone else. Even if he knows that they can help Fuuma, he wants it to be him. And this line: “Kazuki then trails off his words, quietly saying ‘That’s why…’ and then gave Yui a slightly painful smile, his cheeks turning red,” before he declares Yui a rival and states he likes Fuuma. If you can tell me you read that line and are still on the fence about Kazuki’s “like” towards Fuuma being romantic, please message me and I will see how I can get through to you. Like it wasn’t even just a romantically coded confession. It’s just a romantic confession. That “like” is romantic. And I’m so proud that he’s not only come to understand for himself how he feels, but that he’s confident enough to ask the person he sees as a romantic rival to speak in private and not only clarify her feelings for Fuuma but before she can even do that firmly establishes that he loves Fuuma with conviction. Kazuki my boy I’m so proud of you. *sniffs*

And that’s it for establishing Kazufuuma as at least canonically one-sidedly canon and why there’s not only no reason to deny it but also why denying it is a fucking disrespectful move towards Kazuki. He’s a character, sure, but that doesn’t change the fact you shouldn’t write off his struggle to come to be convicted enough to say it out loud. This has been something weighing on him at least a year, if not more (all I know is it started when both he and Fuuma were in some year in middle school). And as a character in a piece of media, I’ve been saying this the entire time, but brushing it off as non-romantic is literally chucking a fucking pillar of his character’s story into the gutter. And to those who may be saying Kazuki’s confession came out of nowhere and is pandering reread this entire fucking essay again I dare you to do it and tell me to my face it’s pandering. Again. Writing off the buildup as pandering is disrespectful to him, disrespectful to his character and narrative, and disrespectful to the wonderful people who have been creating Dolce so diligently and have crafted this narrative for us. Saying his “supposed feelings” and “ambiguous confession” is pandering is like saying Fuuma’s crossdressing is pandering which. If you say either of those I will find you and I will shank you in the fucking gut. Even if you’re not fully into Dolce, recognize these characters are actually very well developed and executed amazingly, as per every Honeyworks character that has come to exist. I don’t blame you if you weren’t aware of the weight of Kazufuuma, but now that you read this I hope you are. That’s mainly what I needed to get out there, but as follows will be me more exploring how Kazufuuma has been built up and generally waving my hand off at where it may be going. If you want you can dip, thanks for reading up to here because I know I repeated a lot because it’s just. So important to drill into your head and has been something I’ve been hung up about constantly. LOL

As for where exactly they’re taking it from this point on, I honestly don’t know. In all honesty, I didn’t even expect them to take it the direction they did. But honestly, I think the direction they went with it is really interesting and better than I could have imagined, in my opinion at least. Honeyworks never ceases to amaze me with their storytelling and narrative choices, and I don’t think there’s any that stand out to me as being severely questionable that they haven’t reapproached at some point down the line. And, again, I think they’re treating this with a lot of care and deserved respect. So I’m just gonna be gushing about how smart they set it up and how smart they’ve been executing it and maybe my own hopes on the direction it could go.

Whether they make Kazufuuma reciprocated I have no real clue or bearings, but to me my gut reaction is they will. Of course, I’m biased, but again if you trace things all the way back to 2018 and step through Dolce’s content and growth from there, I’d say even if they didn’t know if they could execute it like this and see it to fruition, I’d argue that Kazufuuma has been at least heavily implied since the beginning as a relationship they wanted to explore from both sides of the relationship. Obviously I brought up Kazuki’s character bio already, but if you look at the *goes to count* 5th Dolce Diary update already has a joke jabbing at the fact that Kazuki is technically Fuuma’s type (and the way Kippei and Kazuki excitedly react is so cute). The fifth update. And as stated before there are tons of Kazufuuma moments in Dolce Diary, whether it’s played for comedic effect or played straight (and this is post Suki but oh my god I’ve said it before I’ll say it again get yourself someone who looks at you the way Kazuki looks at Fuuma oh my jesus). But song-wise, I mentioned the one Dolce album song I would bring up is Nade Nade and this is where it comes! 

Not only is Nade Nade specifically focused on Kazuki and Fuuma’s relationship as opposed to the whole of Dolce despite being the first song, it included the setup/preview of the Fuuma-centric extra prior to the full release of the Fuuma-centric extra itself and was released early as fuck. Literally between the 6th and 7th update to Dolce Diary. Sure, it could be to isolate them as a duo for marketing purposes (they’re very often the two promoted idols together if the whole of the group aren’t included), but the way it’s established as a perspective song as opposed to a general idol duet is what fascinates me. Anyone who didn’t know about Dolce prior and only followed Honeyworks for music would be first introduced to these characters through this song alone, and maybe this is where my Kazufuuma bias comes from but I was one of those people LOL. I thought it was just a cute one-off relationship that they had set up for the purpose of a song and that it was an implied friends-to-lovers story that would never get a conclusion. Also I mistakenly thought Fuuma was a girl oop-. In the full context of Dolce, this song in part helped establish Fuuma and Kazuki more solidly as a unique duo out of all of Dolce, but it also specifically explored through Fuuma’s eyes just how much Fuuma recognizes and appreciates the unwavering support Kazuki gives him to follow his dreams as he wishes. For Fuuma, he loves Kazuki too, though whether it holds any romantic potential in the same way Kazuki loves him has never been explored to nearly the same extent. But Fuuma appreciates how Kazuki’s remained by his side and does everything he can to support him, so Nade Nade explores how his way of expressing his love and thankfulness to Kazuki is by never saying that he needs Kazuki by his side. He’s glad Kazuki’s always been there for him, and his reciprocation takes on the form of being ready to unwaveringly support Kazuki and not ask for more than he already has, even if it meant Kazuki would be leaving his side, despite the fact that he really does wish they could remain together forever just as Kazuki does. The one point he lets himself say something vaguely close to always wanting to stay together, he gets a surprised expression out of Kazuki and says an ambiguous “suki dayo.” Of course, this it much less romantically coded than what we get from Kazuki in Suki and CAIFILWAI, but there is an interesting emphasis put on it nonetheless. Keep in mind, this is all established through the song, which released long before not only Fuuma’s character-centric extra released but also Kazuki’s character-centric extra released, so there is at least a substantial setup for Fuuma’s feelings towards Kazuki’s being strong as well and possibly grow to be reciprocated one day.

I think for me the most fascinating part about Nade Nade is how they tied it back around to Can’t An Idol Fall In Love with Another Idol. Again, without remembering Nade Nade, I still thought CAIFILWAI was brilliantly explored and executed, even if some people would have preferred no love triangle. But honestly, revisiting Nade Nade makes me trust even more the direction they’re taking with this. Whether or not they make Kazufuuma canon mutually (which. Even if they for some inexplicable reason didn’t I’m going down with this ship.), I’m sure they’re putting a lot of thought into the story, because the last bit of Nade Nade directly parallels the misunderstanding that arose from Fuuma mishearing the Kazuki and Yui. Fuuma is resolved to support Kazuki in any area he’s given the chance, and that explicitly includes if Kazuki had some girl he liked, which is what he assumes is going on. The fact that they tied this back around in the form of a misunderstanding was really really smart and Honeyworks is always so good at parallels and references back to their older songs, but for some reason I didn’t expect this. I don’t know how to say why, but the fact that the song that started it all, kicked off both Dolce and Kazufuuma, was directly referenced both visually in the MV with a cameo at the start and narratively despite the central dynamic being predominantly explored in this story in particular was that of Fuuma and another potential love interest and involves said potential love interest for some reason makes me think that (sorry Yui) this is all planned out for Kazufuuma in the grand scheme of things. That being said, I don’t know if me thinking it was planned all along is just me with shipper goggles, but the idea it’s come full circle nearly 3 years later is not shipper goggles and a very very well done parallel in my opinion, whether this trajectory was their plan for Kazufuuma from the beginning or not. Just wanted to gush about that some more. 

There’s more I could go into especially if I went into specific details about interactions or specific implications established in Honeyworks' Dolce content about different characters that would be fascinating to explore in relation to and under the lens of Kazufuuma, but I think this is uh...plenty long enough. Plus, I doubt you'll stop seeing Kazufuuma posts from me so those ideas will probably just be miniposts or somethin.

Back to the overarching point of this segment, idk what they’ll do with this story in the end, but do I think Kazufuuma will canon? I’m used to looking at ships that aren’t explicitly apparent with a sliver of skepticism, but all things considered (as I stated before) yeah. I don’t see reason why they wouldn’t now that they’ve explicitly identified there is a romantic dimension to it ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ Like to me, the setup isn’t something that would be written off as unrequited? And this doesn’t have to play into why I don’t think it will canon, my personal opinion on the Fuuyui relationship (again albeit through the lens of a hard Kazufuuma shipper lmao) has it’s own merits and is really cute, I find it cute in the way I found Koyuhina cute. I personally never really shipped Koyuhina, and especially since they slipped Kotarou into Ima Suki Ni Naru I was more curious about who this kid was and how he played into things I didn’t really see Koyuhina as something that would come to fruition. Similarly, there’s more importance in the overall sense on Kazuki than there is Yui (considering he’s one of the 5 original and focal members of this generation of idols, this would be natural), as well as the fact there’s just way more foundation and exploration in Fuuma and Kazuki’s relationship than there is Fuuma and Yui. As for how much of a balance there is inside the LN itself, the fact that they seem to have spent a substantial amount relaying the foundation of Fuuma and Kazuki’s relationship and re-exploring it (at least in Kazuki’s perspective) at all on top of how much content there is covering their relationship prior to the LN ever since Dolce’s origin just feels like that relationship holds more weight. Pretty much Kazufuuma feels more established as a priority in general. The way I personally hope Fuuyui plays out is whether they wind up holding mutual feelings or not or whether Fuuma doesn’t feel that way towards Yui is they get a relationship akin to Kotarou and Arisa. Albeit, Kotarou and Arisa never viewed each other in a romantic light, but they had mutual respect and solidarity. That’s the type of friendship I hope comes out of Fuyui. And considering there hasn’t been a break-up in any Honeyworks’ canon relationships (nor do I expect there to be… they’re all perfect for each other LMAO) it would actually be interesting if Fuuyui get together but don’t endgame and Kazufuuma is established as the inseparable endgame after some realization or another, though I don’t expect them to go that route nor do I know if that’d be the best way to go about it anyway. Also final point, Honeyworks seems to have a thing for childhood friends trope anyway soooooo owo All in all, don’t know where they’re taking it, just excited to see where it goes. 

TL;DR of this *counts* 7 page essay, stan Kazufuuma. Not gonna proof this. Maybe I’ll edit and repost but yall are getting a confusing clusterfuck of ramblings over 2-3 hr periods of me writing across 3 different days at around 5am each day. Uh. If you got this far like and subscribe and-- jk plz reply to this mammoth anywhere you see fit or tell me if you have stuffs to add or counter or whatnot I like hearing people talk about Kazufuuma ;w; I am Kazuki and Kazufuuma brainrot can you tell after reading this? No? Lemme just remind you I’m K--

[wkemeup]

my mom's a therapist, and as a result I've grown up with stories of clients that got mad at her for being human; needing to reschedule appointments because she was sick, telling clients that they weren't a good fit and referring them to some other clinicians she knew, etc. it was a client, after all, that gave her covid back in December which consequently infected our whole family. throughout it all, though, my mother has stayed so kind and selfless in the face of most battles, and I'll never stop admiring her for that.

I think being a therapist is one of the bravest careers someone can choose, because I know that, at least for me, listening to other people talk about their ups and downs will just send me spiraling about my own. I took three years of psychology classes, and I loved the courses, but I don't think I'd ever be able to get myself into a psychology practice. I'm so amazed and in awe of you and everyone else that is pursuing that field. my heart is with you

(I want to first make it clear that I am in no way referencing the previous anon who talked about their therapist being out for a month and getting injured. I absolutely understand how difficult it is on clients when the therapist has to cancel or is out of the office - especially when you're going through something and really need them. This is a whole separate thing here, so if that anon sees this please know you're absolutely ok!!)

I completely identify with your mom on that. I have had multiple clients get very upset with me for days I've had to call out sick and their appts were rescheduled, or even when I go on vacation for a week and aren't able to see them at our usual interval. Trust me that I understand the magnitude of mental health and what this job requires, but I think it can be so easy for people to forget that I'm human, too. I get sick. I need time off. I have a whole world of my own shit I'm dealing with too.

and I know that the whole point of therapy is that the patient shouldn't carry the burden of knowing my own shit, but (speaking from my own experience with my clients) I wish sometimes there could be an understanding that I am not immune to the world either and my existence doesn't cater 100% to you. I cant tell if I'm sounding too harsh, and honestly this is about to turn into my personal vent about this and struggling with my job because I really need it right now, so feel free to tune me out and disregard.

I obviously want to help people. Im in this job for a reason. But sometimes it makes me wonder if I'm cut out for it at all because my own mental health has really suffered in the last year and even before that in episodes before I was officially a therapist. I have clients who will say stuff like "you could never understand how this actually feels" but like, I've been depressed. I struggle with anxiety. I have had significant issues with food and my weight. But I am often treated like I am a machine at disposal - required to be available 100% of the time to each individual client, despite the fact I have 70 people on my caseload.

There is never going to be a moment where I snap my fingers and make things better for my clients. Your mental health is still your own responsibility. My job is to help you navigate it, learn how to manage it, and make it smaller and smaller until it doesn't carry the same weight it used to. But I can't fix you. You have to actually do the work and it is so much work but so many of my patients can't see that so they expect me to have all the answers and make them better and I can't. That's the secret with therapy. You fix yourself. You help yourself. Im just there to guide you and help process shit along the way.

but anyway.

sorry idk how I got here but I've obvs been feeling very dehumanized at my job lately. You wouldn't believe the amount of times I sit there and nod casually as a client rants at me about how I'm bad at my job and they're not getting better nevermind the fact that they aren't actually willing to do the skills I'm trying to teach them. So many of them rely too much on medication or just blame me instead.

I'm so burnt out and I'm only 3 years into this job officially and I wonder a lot if my own mental health is going to be what takes this job from me one day. Idk. hell maybe it makes me a bad person for even complaining about this.

I should also say that I have tons of great clients who are very understanding and ask kindly about how my time off was and work really hard in therapy and are doing so well. The tough stuff just obviously weighs a little more.

It's scary to have someone put so much onto you, you know? So many of my clients treat me like I am the only thing keeping them together and honestly for a lot of them, I'm sure they really do mean that. It can just be heavy on me. Sinking, really.

Im not expecting anyone to still be reading by now because somehow this turned into a public diary post lol but if you are, thank you for listening. This is your reminder that therapists have big feelings too and struggle and should probably also see a therapist themselves lol.

anyway.

[emerald-studies]

Diverse Perspectives | Discussion 1

****Whew, Tumblr deleted this entire post that was in my queue, so if there are mistakes in the transcript, sorry. I still highly, highly, suggest you read as you listen. I’ve added resources so you know what we reference in this discussion.***** 

[ It is required to participate and watch/read these discussions, in order to follow me. Participate or get tf out. We aren’t performative in my lil’ area on Tumblr.

This discussion isn’t representative of an entire population or meant to be super professional. It’s to share different perspectives and also is an opportunity for me to practice what I preach: intersectionality. If you’d like to participate in this series please send me a pm or an ask and I’ll get back to you ASAP. We can do a written, audio, or video interview.]

To open this series, I interviewed Rachel, (AKA @reality-wont-ruin-my-life / @emmettisapowerbottom) for her perspective as a Jewish woman.  

Transcript:

I recommend you read while you listen, I’ve made some clarifications because my ADD brain is shitty when I try to speak words.

(it has also been slightly edited for clarity)

-

Faith: OK, thank you for doing this with me, so I just want your perspective because you are a Jewish woman. 

Rachel: Yes.

F: And I feel ... we don't talk about anti-Semitism enough in the right spaces.

R: Yeah.

F: I think we talk about it ... in history and then, ... it's not even called...I don't even remember it being called anti-Semitism, it was being ... framed as ... with this thing of the past that is around. So, first question for you is, 

Do you believe that by learning about the Holocaust in such an apathetic bland setting, which is a classroom, we are being told anti-Semitism is a thing of the past?

R: Um, I think it has less to do with where we learn, because I do think it's really important to learn about ... the history, but I think the way it's taught is really where the issue comes is that they kind of teach it as this one event that's kind of a standalone thing instead of saying ..., hey, this is a historical pattern. So a lot of people seem to think antisemitism started with the Holocaust when there's thousands of years of history of it before that. And then they think it ended when the US joined the war, which the US didn't even join the war to help the Jews. That's a complete lie. So I think it's important that it's taught. But the way it's taught is, you know, you read The Diary of Anne Frank and you look at a few power points. And everyone stares at the Jewish kid ... us ... to--

F: Omg not to make it about me, but I remember watching ... a Jackie Robinson film and (also) learning about slavery in seventh grade. I was ... the only black person in the room. And they're always ... this *looks behind* it's just ... what? (are you looking at?)

R: I think every kind of minority group has that experience where the class talks about something and just ..., you know, everyone's staring at you.

F: Yeah. So, yeah, I agree with you. ..., context matters and I think ... even the pattern or how even the Holocaust even happened, ... it shouldn’t have happened and we're told we're learning about this, so it doesn't happen again, but what are these teachers telling us? They're not telling us what was the process of basically convincing a whole population that it's OK to kill, mass kill, people? So I feel ... it's not really seen in that context. I mean, at least I went to many different schools and, you know, different history classes. And it never really seemed ... it was deeper, ... it was more of ..., you know, this is your homework is about the Holocaust. It's ... this shouldn't be ... it shouldn't be ... that. I don't know how to explain it ... this is more than just ... a piece of paper that we fill out.

R: Definitely, yeah, I think people kind of get lost in that and think it's just this one unit instead of ..., you know. It decimated ... a third of the world's Jewish population and 90 percent of the Romani population.

F: Yeah, and it, I think that also isn't talked about because I did a whole presentation on, ... the experiments that took place and they took, ...disabled people or differently abled, whatever you prefer...and then I know, ..., multiple minority groups were put in those camps. So I also think it's interesting that I mean, .... I don't know how to explain it, I think by making it just about the Jewish population, it's ... “better” for people. People ... they can put it in a box, right, ... this won't affect me if it happened today. But, you know, if you have a family member that's a part of this group or part of the LGBTQ+ ... they were affected. So it's ... this* isn't just .... A certain people's problem. (*The Holocaust)

R: But at the same time, I feel ... especially when learning about and teachers tend to take her Jewishness out of it so that people can relate to it, ... she was a Jewish woman ......don't.

F: Yeah, it's ... you can humanize someone by just seeing them as human, you don't need to make them ... you don't need to make them fit, you know? Um, do you think the Internet has helped or hurt the Jewish community in terms of information and accessibility to the general public?

R: I say a mix of both because for me personally, ... growing up, I really separated myself from my Judaism at home. I was ..., oh, I don't you know, I think this is something you want to do as kids. It's ... you do your bar mitzvah and then you're just ... gone for awhile and finding ... Jewish people on the Internet really helped me reclaim my connection with my family. And now I study it ... it's my college degree... is Judaic studies and the history. But I've found that it's been really helpful for me finding ... Jewish people on the Internet, but at the same time...... conspiracy theories are a huge thing on the Internet, and so many of them are based on anti Semitism without people even realizing. So I think it's the spread of information and the ability to scapegoat groups from the Internet hurts Jews a lot, but it also really helpful for us in finding community within ... Jewish people.

F: Yeah, ... yeah, I can definitely see that because, I mean, I think that's...I've only ever heard the “pro” of social media is meeting people, like-minded people or different people, which I mean, thank you, Tumblr, because of this... but that's the only pro I've ever heard, is just meeting people. So I just think it's interesting that ..., ... there are all these negative things, you know, ... anti vaxxers..Flat earthers, ... “climate change isn't real”. It's just .... At least we get to meet each other? Look on the bright side, I guess.

R: Oh, yeah. You know, take the good with the bad or whatever. I have, but not to the extent some other people have, because I don't really have ... the stereotypical Jewish, which is ridiculous because you come in every color and everything. And also, I do want to say I don't speak for every Jew, every experience, ... I'm an upper class white woman living in Oregon. So, you know, I have a very different perspective than say and also I'm a certain branch of Judaism citizen. So I have a different perspective from ... a Black Orthodox Jew from New York, it’s going to be a very different lifestyle. So I haven't had death threats anything. I just...a lot of middle school and high school was ... when people would find out I was Jewish. ... Can I say, ... a Holocaust joke.?

F: Ugh 

R: No, know, that's ... everyone when you're a kid, that's their first reaction. When you say things ..., oh, now I can make this joke about ovens and ..., please don't do that.

F: Oh, my God, that's so awful. I don't know why they do that.

R: And then all of a choir director once was ..., Oh ... because I got this solo in this piece that was about Anne Frank. She's ..., Oh, yeah, she even looks ... Anne Frank. I was ..., this was on the radio.

F: That's that's not OK. Oh my gosh. It's .... Look, look, she's not ... this, ... she was gorgeous, obviously, I think everyone's gorgeous, but ... she ... I've seen, ..., her eyes on people (edit: I meant she has common features, like everyone else) ... she's not. Yeah, her features are....Oh, my gosh...., it's just because--

R: the things that are considered stereotypical Jewish features are largely Middle Eastern features, ... it's thick hair, ... kind of bushy eyebrows, the nose with the bump, curly, dark, untamed hair.

F: Yeah, and that's just ... such a large (edit: large population), stereotypes are never really accurate. they're based on something dark, ... really dark. It's ... if you actually look into stereotypes on certain groups, it always has a dark origin. So many people have...ugh I’m not just going to even...

*Rachel’s video cuts out*

F: Ok next question: 

Why do you think people of color are able to be anti-Semitic or kinda just hold anti Semitic beliefs, consciously or subconsciously?

R:  I think a lot of it is the perception that being Jewish is inherently tied to having power, and so a lot of communities look at it as punching up, when that’s not the reality of the situation, so I think when... this goes for every other group I think that because that’s the kinda the stereotypical argument for why people don't like Jews is “Oh, well we control the world so other people were super wealthy we’re super rich so people can say, oh I can hate this group because they’re above me, so I’m punching up.”

F: Mhmmm

R: But you know there are Black Jews, there are disabled Jews, there’s...all these intersections. There’s plenty of poor Jews. So there’s this idea that just because you’re Jewish you’re rich and powerful.

F: Hmm. That’s a really good way to look at that, because you know I kinda do see how that falls into the “Eat the rich” or whatever. Um...and I recently learned, is it true, I probably should’ve researched this before, but is the illuminati Semitic? ... the idea of an illuminati?

R: The concept is, largely because of who they claim are in it. They are largely Jewish people. And also, it’s the same thing with the “lizard conspiracy/the lizard people”, which I was explaining this to my Mom...actually let me find the message...I think his name is David Icke? But he’s the creator of the “lizard conspiracy” and he also is a Holocaust denier who simultaneously believes that Jews funded the Holocaust to get ... attention….

F: *scoffs in disgust and utter confusion*

R: ...and to get people to pity them. And so a lot of people with go after Soros or the Rothschilds and say ... “oh they’re a part of the illuminati, they’re lizard people who are controlling the world.” and so, no, the concept of this elite group that runs the world and many of the people you’re putting in it are Jewish people.

F: Hmmm, oh ok.

R: Also throughout history, this goes way before the Holocaust, this has been going on for 2,000 years but ... Jews have been accused of running the-Jews--with the lizards they’ll say “Oh they’ll eat your kids” or they’ll do this thing. So Jews have been accused of this thing called blood libel, which is ... sacrificing Christian children and drinking their blood. Which never happened, there’s no documented cases of this, but we---there were large mass murders of Jewish people in the middle ages and also for stealing communion wafers. They would say that we would steal them and ...….stab them to ... to try and kill Jesus. Which sounds...... I think when we learned that we all laughed uncomfortably...but no you don’t understand, thousands of Jews were murdered for this….this isn’t a funny thing. And so it's this idea of ... this secret...Jewish society that’s gonna kill your kids, steal all the wealth and even--they’ll try to, David Icke, again, I don’t know if I’m pronouncing his name right, I’m sorry. But--

F: Who cares (if you’re pronouncing his name right) honestly?

R: It’s not anti-Semitic because these Jews who I’m accusing aren’t really human...but yes they are.

F: Yeah

R: These are Jewish people.

F:... any group of people are people...so he’s trying to say Jewish people are alien, so it doesn’t count?

R: Pretty much.

F: *wtf confusion laugh*

R: So I think a lot of times the people who spread the conspiracies don’t know….the prices of it. Once you learn, you dig a little deeper, you can see the issue that comes from it.

F: Do you think um that in that sense that memes can be hurtful--or harmful because of ... you know the illuminati meme. So people don’t know that the concept of the illuminati is essentially anti-Semitic, so do you think ... meme culture is contributing to ignorance?

R: I think yeah to some extent, because when it gets widespread enough you know? It becomes normalized and then when someone tries to speak about it and says, “Hey this thing is problematic” they’ll be ... “Oh no it’s just a joke, you’re taking it too seriously, it has nothing to do with that.” Well, if you look back, ... it does and historically these kinds of “jokes” have led to groups being persecuted. It’s just a matter of if someone tells you something is problematic, don’t brush it off.

F: And I would ... to point out that I made a joke about Mark Zuckerberg being a robot lizard in response to um...him uh trying to buy Native lands and I was like “What?”(when someone said it was Semitic) honestly my brain doesn’t even go to---I don’t research who people are. I don’t know why I didn’t know he was Jewish, I didn’t know. And then I went to I forgot what website I went to, I went through all the stereotypes of Jewish people and I didn’t see anything about “lizard”, but it was ...I was trying to find a way to excuse myself...but if someone tells you its wrong, it’s wrong.

R: And I think it’s about being willing to learn and listen ..., I made those jokes. I didn’t realize until earlier this year what the basis of it all was. So I’ve made plenty of jokes about the illuminati and lizard people….and then started reading things by other Jewish people and I was ... “Oh! I never thought about that.” I didn’t connect the dots and put that all together.

F: Yeah and especially with ... jokes ... they’re so modern, memes are so modern, so when we’re told about anti-semitism being framed as a past thing, we do this. So when we use jokes and stuff--I mean non-Jewish people, I think when we use jokes in general, honestly, about any group, we don’t think “Ok what’s the context of this? What’s the history behind this?” Because---BEYONCE friggin’ singing about the illuminati....

R: *laughs*

F: I mean she was kinda ... dragging it, but the jokes get that big. So I feel ...---I don’t know. I want to publicly apologize for calling Mark Zuckerberg a robot lizard because I thought that was a meme and not based in anti-Semitic language.

R: We’ve all done that so many times.

F: I was talking about how he’s ... a robot and acts weird, so it’s completely on me.

What do you want people to know about your culture?

R: Um, that it’s not a monolith. There’s this ongoing joke in the Jewish community that if you have two Jewish people in a room you’ll have three different opinions.

F: *laughs*

R: So we all practice differently, we all have a different relationship with religion and spirituality and that the big thing is that we’re not this all powerful group. I think it confuses people that Judaism isn’t...first off Judeo-Christian is not real we’re not--Judaism and christianity are very different so I get annoyed when they’re lumped together. “Judeo-Christian values” ... no we have completely different values and beliefs.

F: Yeah

R: I think it really confuses people when I tell them that I don’t believe in God but I still consider myself very Jewish, because it’s so intrinsically tied as this just religious concept but because of the persecution that Jewish communities have faced, it’s taken on this double role as an ethnicity and a religion. So ..., I’m a white person, there’s no way that I’m not white but I’m also a Jewish white person so it's kinda a different path, a different history. And I still have this connection with my Judaism, while at the same time, you know, I haven’t been to synagogue since I was 13, so I don’t believe in higher powers and stuff, at least at this point in my life. That could change, but I think it’s such a part of who we are and there’s that generational trauma that Jews are born with--or at least biological because you’re still just as Jewish if you convert to Judaism, I think there’s also this idea, Oh! My cat just came in...

I think there’s also this idea that when you’re controlling the world you're trying to make everyone like you. But Jews don’t proselytize, Jews aren’t trying to make other people Jewish. Which is very different than the way some other religions operate, where it’s going out and trying to get everyone to agree with you so you can save their soul or whatever...

F: Mhm

R: Also when it comes to--this is less for Judaism, this is for every group, ya know I was talking about um The BLM protests and using dark humor. In my experience at least, I think the groups that are affected can use dark humor about it. So ..., Black people can make jokes about police brutality, I can’t make jokes about police brutality because it’s not affecting me personally, so I feel ... Jewish people, we wanna make Jew jokes between ourselves, that’s fine, but when other people make jokes ... ok now it’s uncomfortable because of that power imbalance, ‘cause you haven’t faced a holocaust or gone through these things I’ve gone through as a Jewish person, and I haven’t gone through these other things. So I think when people make a joke “Oh I have a dark sense of humor, I like to use dark humor to cope” well it’s not ... your trauma to cope with. I think that’s with every group that’s gone through something...there’s certain dark humor that you can’t use.

F: Yeah that’s such a good way to put it because ... you may be coping with other things but it’s not the thing you’re talking about, so why do you need to cope with the jokes about that? I’ve heard, anti-Semitic jokes and I’m ... “What the-” *leans back* from ... non- Jewish people and….who is that for? How is that make you feel better as a human? I was like: “Why are you doing this? Shut up.”

R: Yeah.

F: They know it’s wrong...it’s like the “edgy” 4chan type of thing ... *~I’m so edgy~* No your’e not. Personally, I think you’re weak if you can’t come up with a joke that doesn’t hurt a group of people

R: Oh yeah. Oh and then another thing I’d ... people to realize about Judaism is for one….the issue of Judaism and anti-Semitism is separate from the issue of Israel/Palestine and anti-Zionism and also not every Jew has the same opinion on it and we’re not all experts on the Israeli-Palestinian conflict, so you don’t need to derail every discussion with “Oh what are your thoughts on Palestine? Do you support Palestine? Do you support Israel?” Because it’s so separate, and such a complex issue. You know because I was born Jewish doesn’t mean that I automatically have this innate knowledge of the entire conflict. It can kinda be used as a way to derail people when talking about anti-Semitism we face, ya know you’ll--I’ve seen this a lot on TikTok where people will make videos talking about things they face and a lot of the comments are “Free Palestine”...well they didn’t mention Palestine, we don’t know their views on Palestine. Just ‘cause you’re Jewish that doesn’t make you a Zionist, just---I’m sure people who have Palestinian heritage doesn’t make you anti-Zionist, ya know? They're separate issues and people ... to lump them into one…..and if someone says that anti-Zionism is treading into Semitism, then we should listen to them because they’re two separate things and you can protest in Israel and not be falling into anti-Semitic tropes. 

F: Right, that’s such a complex subject. I would never ask someone straight up: “Who’s side are you on?!”  because it’s so, so complex. I remember I tried to dedicate a whole day to just researching, “Ok what’s going on?” and it’s just ... so much information it’s just hard because I don’t even want to speak on it because it has nothing to do with me, so I was just trying to get--I remember when it was on the news a lot, right? I’m like trying to understand what you guys are saying, so I like to do background researching and oh my gosh, I can’t imagine summing up your opinion in one sentence about that or why you chose this side and not that. It’s so varied.

R: Ya know I’m still learning about it, I don’t know that much about it so ya know when I try to talk about this Jewish thing they’ll be ... “Oh! What are your thoughts on the  Israeli-Palestinian conflict?” I’m just ... *raises hands up* “I don’t know, I need time to learn more”

F: Yeah it’s like *looks at phone* “hold on a sec (while I research more on the Israeli-Palestinian conflict and get back to ya)”

How do you see yourself in your country?

R: Um...it’s complicated because I’m from a privileged family in a privileged area so I know I have intrinsic power in this country, Judaism is easier to hide than other things. You can’t look at me and know I’m Jewish whereas you could look at a Black person and know they’re Black, you could look at a Muslim wearing a headscarf and know they’re Muslim. So it’s much easier to get away with things, I’m not going to be profiled until I open my mouth and say something about my Judaism, but at the same time, there is that fear because we’ve seen it before, Jews in Germany weren’t identifiable by looking at them but it’s on their birth certificate and they started rounding up. So I do get that little pang of panic every time I see “Jewish cemetery desecrated” or “Swastikas drawn on synagogue”...last time I went to synagogue was after the Tree of Life shooting, I went in solidarity and there was ... armed guards outside and it was so scary thinking about “Oh my God there could be a bomb threat, there could be a shooter.” and there’s this idea where I know I have privilege and I know I’m in a position of power but at the same time, ... I know that I have to be ready to flee if something happens, because every few generations of Jews have had to do that, for thousands of years now. So it’s all complex intertwined identity, where-so I call myself “Conditionally white”, I benefit so much from white privilege and everything except my Judaism is white, white, white but then there’s at the same time, I wasn’t considered white under the defining whatever, where you write down your race, in the eyes of the US until ... the 50s. They had white and Jewish as two separate ethnicities or races. It’s such a weird place to be.

F: Yeah and of course, I know you say you are/look white so you have all this privilege and stuff but at the same time, being scared of sharing a part of you that’s...an average white person doesn’t have to be scared of ... saying “Oh I believe this” and then if you feel the fear of sharing that, just in general or fear of a hate crime, that is very valid. And I think sometimes we forget that.

R: It’s interesting sometimes hearing people talk about Judaism. They think of it as this “Oh taking over the world, there’s gotta be a lot of them” it’s ... well, there’s 14 million of us in the world right now, about a third are in Israel, the US has 1.5 million. Compared to that, probably half the world's population is Christian. There's 1 or 2 billion Muslims, we’re a very small group comparatively.

F: I do think the illuminati thing perpetuates that so much, subconsciously or unconsciously….although it’s supposed to be a “smaller group” or whatever but still they make it ... this huge thing kinda framed like Scientology. It’s so weird that people don’t--I’ve heard many Christians claim that “I’m scared to say I’m Christian” and it's just ... that’s so valid for you and I’m not disregarding your experience...the historical context behind it, even people who are Muslim and all these hate crimes...I don’t think I’ve ever seen a hate crime against a Catholic church...

R: Not in a very long time and when it has been, it’s usually between Christian sects.

F: Yeah, that too,  infighting. I dunno where I was going with that. *laughs* but I know what you mean by blowing up this population to be a “threat”. I think that happens with any group that someone disagrees with like the “liberals” “antifa” they blow it up to huge populations, ... “Oh my gosh we’re being invaded!” I’m surprised that more people haven’t seen with, you know the steps to genocide, that’s one of the things (steps), it’s making this group of people a “threat” that’s “invading” a space...I’m surprised that people don’t see that about any group but especially about the Jewish community, AGAIN! That’s not the first time! It’s just constant, there’s no breaks!

R: Yeah that’s most of Jewish history since other major religions came in….you know we haven’t been in power since Christianity came in.

What’s the biggest misconception bout your community?

R: Um, I’d say probably getting back to that rich/powerful thing. Just the, ya know that and the Israeli-Palestinian conflict thing. Those are the two things I hear the most and also Holocaust deniers..which I don’t know why there are so many but there are like or the people who say “Oh yeah it happened but it’s not as bad as they make it seem.”. 

F: Sooo stupid. I just can’t imagine denying any sort of crime against humanity, .. I can’t even talk about it, it makes me so pissed. 

Do you feel like there is adequate representation of your community in the media?

R: Um I think we definitely have more representation than other groups...but I find it to be kind of more one track or stereotypical so it doesn’t show ... the breadth of the Jewish community. The only show about Jews is Unorthodox and that kinda portrays Orthodox Judaism in a not great light. But I think there’s a lot more Jewish….you know they used to say “Jews control Hollywood” because a lot of actors and directors were Jewish and it’s ... “Well, maybe we’re just creative?”

F: *laughing*

R: So theres a lot of famous Jews and I guess a lot of Hollywood producers are Jewish but I think when it comes to actual characters, we don’t see practicing Jews that aren’t relying on stereotypes. But I don’t think the media is particularly targeted harmful to Jews the way it’s targeted other communities.

F: What do you think about the movies about the Holocaust that come out every year? And I’m not saying anything against them, I’m just curious what your take on that is because it’s interesting that I see a lot of these movies come out right? But in school it’s a day lesson, but the media keeps on talking about it. Do you appreciate that? Do you wish the content was better? 

*both laugh*

R: I think some are better done than others. I prefer, my area of study is the Holocaust, so I have to submerse myself in all that stuff because that’s what my thesis is going to be on, it’s frustrating sometimes to see the fictionalized stories pushed over the real ones, especially the ones that have Christian charac---Boy in the Striped Pajamas made sob when I first watched it. Then I watched it again and I realized you’re only side because the little Christian kid dies.

F: *gasps in awe/mind blown* Ugh you gotta put that somewhere and share it because that’s such a good point!

R: And then there's, there was drama about some of the Holocaust books and they were ... hey “this  isn’t a real story this didn’t happen but your pushing it as a real story”. So I….there’s so many real life tragedies that sometimes it seems a little weird that  you create your fake characters about it. But at the same time, I do enjoy Holocaust movies ... I do consume content but there does seem ... a weird disproportionate obsession with it. I’ve said this to my family, I don’t really trust non-Jews who are super into WW2. ... there’s something about it, why are you so into it? “... I think it’s cool how that could happen, it’s cool to think about how….” I don’t really trust your motives, there’s something off to me. I think when it’s their personality is ... WW2! Holocaust!...Why are you so invested in this? 

F: Oh my gosh yeah. Do you think there could be more movies about real people in real stories? ... I’ll look at “Is this movie true” (On google) ... The Boy in the Striped Pajamas So (I looked up) “Is this true” and it said, “Ummm no.” and it’s like... OK but wouldn’t it be more impactful to have real stories that are told?

R: I think so to some extent but I also don’t think they should do it without permission and sometimes there isn’t someone’s permission to ask.

F: Right.

R: But you don’t want those stories to die, you know if there’s a family left and this story is important and you don’t want it to get lost in the books but you know, so much has already been taken from the Jewish community...you have to weigh whether or not it’s worth it to contribute to that to get a story out there.

Do you think some directors and writers choose to make a story about the Holocaust as Oscar bait? 

R: Probably. I think tragedies tend to do well in the awards circuit and I think tragedies about white people especially tend to do well. So I think if you...have this event, something that everyone knows about, everyone knows about the Holocaust, and they go “Ok well they’re not going to turn down this story about this kid in the Holocaust”. I don’t know every director's intention, there could be some who want to get the story out there. But I do think it’s easier to get something about a major historical event.

Do you feel that Jewish people are put in a box, only being seen as victims?

R: I’d say it’s usually the opposite. I’d feel ... both sides of the political spectrum put Jewish people in this box of “oppressor”.

F: Mhmmm

R: You see it because it’s one of those groups that gets hit on both sides. Where ... a lot of people say “Oh yeah well in the Holocaust you were all the victims.” which doesn’t annoy me because you’ll see these people say “They just willingly got on the carts to drive to camps and no one fought back.” well, no there were militias there were uprisings. They weren't just happily getting on these buses and not fighting for their lives. So I do think there’s a lot of victimization when it comes to the Holocaust, but a lot of people say “That was in the past, now no one’s attacking the Jews, no one’s doing anything so they’re taking advantage of us”. So I think in a historical context Jews are placed in a box of victimhood but in a modern context, it’s flipped.

F: Hm. How do you see left v. right, can you explain how you’ve seen each group take hits at the Jewish community?

R: Yeah

F: Kinda ... just a few points for people to watch and look out for?

R: The right is pretty much what you’d expect, neo-Nazis, swastikas, SS tattoos which is not fun, I don’t like seeing those. You see these white supremacists and I think on the left, they think all the Jews in that group are included in the white supremacy, when we’re explicitly excluded, we are not considered white by white supremacist standards. But you see the left use Steven Miller and Jared Kushner who, you know, they’re Jewish, they’re also terrible people but they happen to be Jewish...and them being terrible doesn't make them not Jewish but you see people like that...from the left we see a lot more of the anti-semitism coming out kinda disguised by anti-Zionism.

F: Mhmm

R: Again, I think there are perfectly valid reasons to be anti-Zionist. Another issue I have that the left like to do, which sometimes is valid and sometimes isn’t, is comparing things to the Holocaust.

F: Mhmm

R: Sometimes I think that’s…..can compare something, especially if Jewish people are saying that “Hey, these are things that we were seeing happening in Nazi Germany that we’re seeing now.” I remember getting really upset when I was seeing vegans compare animal farming to the Holocaust and ... yeah I have a lot of issues with the meat industry but don’t conflate those two things ‘cause its basically saying Jewish people are cattle. That’s how it comes out to the Jewish people.

F: Yeah I just looked up, I just wanted to make sure, yeah I have definitely heard that in the vegan community and it does bother me, um...I um feel like genocide is a better way to put it because it’s a mass killing of a population, the Holocaust-

R: Yeah the Holocaust is tied to a specific event. 

F: Yeah, so I have also seen a video of a Holocaust survivor who went vegan, who compared it to the Holocaust, but I think that is his right.

R: Yeah when you are affected. If someone is from a group and critiquing a way a group is handling something, ok I’ll listen to your side of this but when it’s an outsider, I’m not sure you have a say in that.

F: No, and even the way the Holocaust happened, the steps to the Holocaust didn’t happen to animals, the animals weren’t stereotyped, they weren’t vilified. I don’t think it’s accurate.

R: At the same time I don’t think it’s just comparing everything to the Holocaust, just listen to Jewish people when we start saying, “Hey, this is looking eerily similar.”. I remember in 2015/16 I remember saying, “Hey when you look at his platform,” I’m sure we all know who he is--

*laughs*

R: “he has pretty much the textbook definition of fascism.” “Oh no, he doesn’t have this one step, it’s fine.” And then he’ll pass that step and it’s like, “Hey guys, I told you we’ve seen this before….these are the 14 steps and we’re at like 12 now.”

F: Yeah and you’ve studied it so you’d think that people would listen to you.

R: Yeah I started learning about the Holocaust, probably ... first grade in Hebrew school. Ya know ... I’ve seen all these pict---also if people could not just share these Holocaust pictures, constantly without any warning, ... those are photos that are traumatic to a lot of us. Now, I’m used to seeing them again because it’s what I study but you see people, they’ll share things, when they’re comparing to the Holocaust, they’ll put like a Holocaust photo...you know those are people ... that I know. Those are my Grandparent’s friends, those are the parents of one of my teachers. I feel like people forget, they lump it into the numbers “Oh yeah 6 million Jews died”, but yeah each of those 6 million was a person. So when you post a photos, piles of dead bodies, those are people. 

F: I don’t agree with that either, even our presentations we would do about the Holocaust, it didn’t feel right seeing these people put behind a title.

R: I feel like people get swept up by the numbers that they forget it’s people. It’s real people who went through this. And it’s sad because we’re getting to that time because the last of the Holocaust survivors are reaching the end of their lifespan, so it’s gonna be harder and harder to have people come in and tell you firsthand, which helps to humanize it. 

F: Yeah and especially the deniers, what going to happen when these people--and thank goodness they survived, hopefully they have a peaceful passing, but once they’re gone they’re going to be like “Oh no one has been there….”

R: So another thing, I went to a racist white high school. We had a lot of issues, we had 3 Black people at my school and we had issues with graffiti slurs against the Black people, so they brought in a Holocaust survivor to talk about tolerance, but it was very propaganda. So this Holocaust survivor came in and talked about how they befriended one of the nazi guards and I was like “This is not the story that we need to be sharing…

F: Wh-what?

R:... this nazi guard and this Jewish person became friend like that’s not how it is for the 99.9% of them. Don’t use it as your propaganda for tolerance saying “Yeah the victims and the ones who are hurting them should just like this person should just forget about what happened to them and just be friends with them.” So I think it’s just used as propaganda a lot instead of letting it stand as the story it is. 

F: Or even “taking the high road”. Just like pretending you love everybody, “I love the people who did this to my family, my community”

R: It makes the people who don’t (take the high road) seem like they’re being irrational...hey I don’t like Nazis, I support punching Nazis then like “Hey you need to preach tolerance.” no they murdered people I know.

F: Yeah I’ve even, I’ve only seen one Nazi-Nazi in Nevada in person, it’s just ......he was wearing a Deutschland shirt, it’s just so crazy how--I made a post about this, and he just looked so weak, that always stuck with me. He looked so weak and insecure, and I’m like you should feel that way because there are so many groups of people who are stronger with their bonds with each other, like the Jewish community or any community, that you should feel weak because you just want to be an angsty little white boy. Side note: he looked me in the eyes and I looked at him back and he left. So….

*laughs*

F: That was only a fraction of what you feel. I feel ... we’re so desensitized to swastikas, I mean I haven’t seen one as graffiti, but the image, I feel we are too desensitized to that.

R: Oh yeah I get frustrated with people who say “We need to reclaim the swastika”.

F: *Laughs* “Noo”

R: I get you wanna reclaim if but it’s too far gone. It’s traumatizing for the Jewish community, I get it used to be the symbol of peace…

F: Right

R: But it’s just not what that is anymore.

F: I mean that’s why it was taken, I’m sure you’ve studied this, but that’s why Hitler got people to jump on board because it’s this pretty picture of this “peaceful future”. So taking it back would almost be like...that’s where it started and look at where we are...

R: I personally haven’t come across Jews who want to reclaim it, it’s non-Jews. And there might be Jews who want to, I don’t know every Jew on Earth but the ones I’ve interacted with are all uncomfortable seeing swastikas. And you know when I see those photos of swastikas on this Jewish cemetery destroying the grave, it’s ... I can’t help picture that with my Grandparent’s graves, ... oh what if this was where my family was buried.

F: Yeah in my hometown there was a lot of that going around, just everywhere, it’s just disgusting. The fact that non-Jewish people suggested reclaiming that? That’s just disgusting and inappropriate. You don’t have a right to-- for anyone watching, you don’t have a right to go up to a Jewish person and say “No but I wanna do this” no, that’s not right, if it doesn’t apply to you, don’t speak on it. Or try to reclaim anything. I’m done with reclaiming things. When you said “non-Jewish people” I thought that you were talking about your Jewish friends who thought “You know maybe we could take it back…” 

R: No.

F: Deadass

R: No all the Jewish people I know don’t like seeing swastikas and have no interest in seeing them in our lives. 

F: Like understandably, it’s not even crazy! I wouldn’t. Ugh. 

What would you like to see more of from allies?

R: Um, I think more listening, I like this kind of stuff, just having a conversation. Just not speaking for us and just amplifying our voices. And again, not conflating Judaism and Christianity. Not being like “Oh our Judeo-Christian values” Jews aren’t good because they’re related to this Christian thing, no it’s our own thing, it’s very different religion. And even if what the Jewish person is saying something you don’t agree with, just listen at least and say your side, you know we’re not a monolith. We aren’t one person with one mind. We aren’t going to agree on everything, and you know if someone said that something you said was anti-Semitic, don’t get defensive, let them explain why and try and be better. Because we’re not going around saying every single thing is anti-Semitic.

F: Of course, you have a reason

R: Call out celebrities when they promote dangerous things.

F: Yeah like dangerous ideas. I would like to personally work on what things are inherently anti-Semitic and have been popularized so I know and can share that info.

R: And also for the stuff I’ve seen recently, when people seem to be calling out anti-Semitism they call it out a lot more strongly with Black people and that’s a problem. Black people can be anti-Semitic, we saw that with Nick Canon, we saw that with Luis Farakesh, (Edit: She meant Louis Farrakhan)

F: Ice cube

R: We’ve seen Black celebrities say anti-Semitic things and also white celebrities so don’t just call it out when it’s just Black people. I’ve been following some Black dudes on twitter who are saying “Hey this makes me really uncomfortable. Why are you going so hard against this person and not against this person?” 

F: Yeah I guess I never thought about that with the Nick Canon thing. That was a mess. 

R: Yeah and what he said was completely wrong. 

F: I heard so many different versions of what he said, ... “Black people are beautiful” but wait no that’s not what he said

*laughs*

F: I do think um my question about POC people being anti-Semitic was based on Ice Cube, honestly. That shocked me, I was shocked, my jaw fell when he posted an anti-semitic image, not a swastika. How can you want support and then do this? So...

R: I think it’s the idea that they’re punching up.

F: Yeah, I’m glad you mentioned looking for how people react to a POC being anti-Semitic V. a white person because I can’t even recall the last time I heard a white person like be called out, or dragged/cancelled as much as Nick Canon. 

R: Yeah you’ll see it with the right-wing politicians, they’ll get called out, but you don’t see it from the moderates or left wing celebrities, even though they’re also out there saying things.

F: Like anyone can be anti-Semitic anyone can be racist and I think that’s why I want to share your perspective to help a little bit, because even your friends and family can be saying stuff like this, it’s important to not let it slip through (and think) “Oh they didn’t mean that”...address it. I hope this helps in some way. Thanks for letting me interview you

R: Thanks for wanting to interview me.

F: No problem. I’m gonna stop this and then we can talk a lil’ privately. Byeeee

R: Bye.

Let’s have a discussion! Did you learn anything new from this conversation?

Let me know here.

-

To close out each post, I’d like to write a lil’ paragraph about the person I talk with:

Rachel is kind and expresses her thoughts skillfully. Her resilience is deeply apparent because she’s able to study the horrific history of her people and still stay sane. That is a feat I could never, ever, live up to. Reliving pain takes such a huge amount of strength and power. Rachel’s kind words (and others’ from in the egg gang ;) ) really helped me when I was in a dark spot. I’m blessed that you took the time to talk with my wacky self. I hope we continue to be friends and I also hope you know that I’m always here for you, Rachel, as you were there for me. 

You are a treasure. 

-Faithxx