#i know a lot of this roots in my childhood and never being able to express myself without critisim

[moonlinos]

A dwindling, mercurial high

♡ Pairing: Bang Chan × fem!reader

♡ Genre: Childhood best friends, angst

♡ CW: Explicit sexual content (minors dni!), cheating, both Chan and Reader are morally gray characters, mentions of smoking, drinking, fingering, hand job, unprotected sex

♡ Word count: 10.1k

♡ Synopsis: Despite his love for you since childhood, Chan silently watched from the sidelines as you fell in love with your mutual friend. Your happiness has always been his priority, even at the expense of his own. But he can only endure the pain with a smile on his face for so long. With your growing realization that your fiancé is no longer the man you once loved, his longing to finally escape his torment and confess his feelings becomes unbearable.

♡ A/N: Based off a request by anon! Thank you for requesting 🩷 Cheating is bad, kids, this is fiction. Sorry to my boy Changbin, I used a random wheel to decide who would be the other member 🥲 I’ll focus on lighter stories now ‘cause I feel like this one turned out heavier than I anticipated lol

Chan has known you since he was ten years old.

He’s sure he has been in love with you for just as long.

He wouldn’t be able to give an exact date; loving you has simply always been a part of his life. Your smile that’s engraved in his mind, your laughter he’s memorized, your mind which still fascinates him after so many years — it all wraps around his heart like a vice, making him a willing captive to this one-sided love.

For Chan, love is selflessness; sacrificing anything for the happiness of the one he loves. He doesn’t know anything but loving you, and his unwavering dedication to your happiness has led him to sacrifice his own for years.

Unbeknownst to you, Chan has been withering away slowly as you’ve grown happier.

But your happiness and his unrequited love never truly hurt him until the age of twenty.

It was Minho’s birthday, and he played the best friend card to convince Chan to buy fake IDs from a sketchy guy at their university. Your friend group drove to a deserted parking lot after buying far too much alcohol — Chan remembers the recurring thought inside his fuzzy mind was how much that situation would validate your parents’ scorching hatred for him if they were to find out.

You had your head on his shoulder, sitting on the bed of Minho’s truck, watching as the rest of your friends suffered the consequences of their indulgence. Chan’s face lit up with a smile at the sound of your giggle when Miyeon yelled at Changbin for being so loud, threatening to destroy his beloved girl group albums if he didn’t shut up.

Chan’s emotions always mirrored your own; so long as you had a smile on your face, he swore he could find joy even in the worst situations.

Even when you unknowingly shattered his heart into a million pieces, your happiness still brought him joy.

“I never got around to finishing my story,” you told him, words slurred and voice hoarse from singing at a noraebang earlier that night. “I only said I had a crush, but I never elaborated.”

Chan didn’t want you to elaborate.

But he knew how much you loved talking to him. Be it the weight of your indecision about your path in life or the lightheartedness of your romantic endeavors, you shared everything with him. You always said Chan was the best listener because he knew when his silence was better than any word. He knew that once your heart was set on something, there was no use trying to untangle your mind from the roots of that conviction.

So he hummed, prompting you to continue. “It’s been a while since you had a crush.”

“It sounds so lame, doesn’t it?” You scoffed, “Aren’t we too old for crushes?”

“No one’s ever too old for that,” he shrugged. “I think if you don’t allow yourself these light-hearted feelings, love will only become heavy. That’s never good.”

You placed your hand in his, playing with his fingers as a smile spread across your lips. Chan always hoped you couldn’t hear the way his heart thumped loudly against his chest whenever you touched him. 

“You’re so weirdly wise for your age.”

“And you’re so weirdly avoiding the subject,” Chan pointed out. “Come on, you never hesitated telling me shit like this. Hell, you proudly admitted to your crush on that old ass teacher when we were sixteen.”

You sat up straight, groaning at the unwelcome memory, and Chan huffed a laugh at the pout on your lips.

“I know, it’s just…”

“Just?”

“It’s someone you know,” you offered, and Chan furrowed his brows.

“That wouldn’t be a first.”

He noticed the way your hands tensed up, their grip on his fingers tightening and fidgeting nervously. You were anxious, and Chan wasn’t sure he wanted to know the reason why.

“It’s someone from our group.”

The way he froze was obvious, and your hands stilled on top of his. To this day, he hates everything about that moment: how you were so apprehensive about sharing something so trivial with him, how he selfishly felt a twinge of jealousy, and most importantly, how he could tell you were upset.

Chan promptly put aside his own feelings, having mastered this skill to the point where he could effortlessly do it. You seemed happy whenever you mentioned this crush, and he didn’t want to be the reason that happiness faded away. He laced your fingers together and offered you a smile, hoping you would reciprocate the gesture. You did, and he felt his chest blossoming with a blend of relief and melancholy.

“It’s Changbin,” you confessed, and Chan’s face remained unchanged. His smile didn’t so much as falter at your words. It often scared him how easy it had become to feign something as significant as his own emotions when it came to you. “I don’t know when it started, but I just… I really like him.”

Chan had seen you go through a couple of short-lived relationships and countless crushes that usually led nowhere; the sting of seeing you infatuated with someone else was an ache he’d long grown accustomed to. He often struggled to understand why your heart had chosen to love the people it did. It was easy to tease you and cope with the hurt when Chan knew it was only a matter of time before you realized you deserved more.

But that situation was different. This time, he could understand. Changbin was one of his best friends, after all. How would he endure the hurt when he knew Changbin was practically a mirror image of your ideal type? He was always in a good mood, always fun to be around and never failed to make anyone laugh. Chan had no doubts about how he would bend his back just to care for his friends — the day he failed his first class at university, Changbin paid his bill at the bar and carried a drunken, crying Chan home on his back.

Unlike it had been with Chan for the past ten years, your parents immediately fell in love with Changbin.

As he heard you eagerly talk about your crush on your friend that night, Chan kept his facade of the perfect best friend. His laughter and words perfectly matched your enthusiasm. Among the rain of anguish, the drop of bliss that fell onto his heart as he saw you smile again, your worry thoroughly gone, was enough to soothe his aching heart.

Because Chan’s emotions mirrored your own, and so he made it his mission to make you happy.

Even if it was with someone else.

Chan never would have guessed that you and Changbin would go beyond a simple crush.

He never would have believed if he was told your relationship would evolve beyond just hooking up.

And never in his wildest dream did he imagine that you would become engaged to him.

Yet, here he sits, six years after initially finding out about your crush, helping you choose flower arrangements for your wedding.

“I think Bin would definitely want some pink flowers,” you comment with a hum, the florist nodding along with a smile. Chan holds back a sigh. “But wouldn’t that look weird with the light blue theme?”

“I think blue and pink go great together!” The florist assures you, her excitement palpable when she starts rambling about different shades and flowers that would beautifully complement your dream wedding dress.

Chan zones out, blurry eyes focused on a single red rose that rests on the wooden table. He was understandably taken aback when you chose him as your man of honor. Miyeon had always been your closest female friend, so it was only natural that he assumed you would choose her as the maid of honor. Despite disapproval from both you and Changbin’s families, you remained unwavering in your decision. Chan knew you better than anyone in the world, you argued, therefore he was the best possible choice. The sentiment was sweet, but it didn’t lessen the ache in his heart.

As if watching you marry another man wasn’t punishing enough, he now had to help you plan the ceremony.

Your laughter brings him back to the present moment, and he quickly rises from his chair, realizing you’re already heading towards the door. Chan clears his throat, shooting the florist a small smile before walking out with you.

As soon as you step onto the streets, you ask, “You were spacing out the entire time, weren’t you?”

Chan feigns offense, clutching at his chest. “What? Of course not!” He shakes his head, and you let out a chuckle. “I was totally paying attention. Blue dress, pink flowers. I got it all memorized, don’t worry.”

“So you noticed how she was shamelessly ogling you the entire time, right?”

Absentmindedly, Chan cocks his head to the side, furrowing his brows in confusion. You narrow your eyes at him, and his expression immediately shifts into a grin.

“Ah, that. Yeah, I noticed,” he shrugs. “It was your choice to have me as your man of honor.”

You bump your shoulders together, chuckling. “I guess I should’ve known. Since you’re not my fiancé, you’ll have to endure a lot of women flirting with you.”

As your words hit him, Chan clenches his jaw, suppressing the foolish pain that wells up in his chest. He is not your fiancé; he is well aware of that, but he can’t help the sharp twinge of hurt that washes over him whenever you remind him of that fact.

He silently drives you to the gym that he and Changbin opened two years ago. It was a last-ditch effort to create something that was their own rather than succumbing to a soulless office job. Starting out in a small rundown house on a sketchy street, with barely any money for proper equipment, they could never have predicted how perfectly everything would work out.

As Chan parks in front of the building, you beam while taking the notes from the florist out of your bag, eager to share them with Changbin. You two scour the gym from top to bottom, but he’s nowhere to be found. Upon asking their receptionist, they’re informed that Changbin had left a couple of hours earlier, not giving further explanations. Chan hates the familiar sight of your smile dropping, your excitement ebbing away as you carefully tuck away your notes into your bag.

Changbin has become unusually distant lately — not only toward you but everything in general. He rarely sets foot in the gym nowadays, only popping in to ensure everything is in order before hurriedly rushing off to who knows where. Chan hopes it’s only the pre-wedding nerves getting to him, and not something that will leave you shattered and heartbroken on what is supposed to be the happiest day of your life.

But that’s all he can do — cling to that hope.

Because, deep down, Chan’s mind is filled with worries that run deeper than he will ever let on. Changbin has always been an absurdly impulsive person. The fear that his friend might be regretting his decision to propose is always lingering in the back of his mind, like a persistent echo, tormenting him and gradually eroding his heart.

He doesn’t know if he can bear to see you hurt.

He certainly doesn’t want to think about what he would do if Changbin ever dared to break your heart.

Chan hates the way you easily brush off your disappointment even more, turning to flash a bright smile at him as soon as the notes are out of your sight.

“I’ll just see him at home later tonight anyway,” you simply say. “There’s no rush.”

Over the past months, Chan has seen you dismiss your own feelings regarding your fiancé countless times, so much so that he can’t even count them on one hand. From Changbin’s constant broken promises to his complete indifference toward anything related to his own wedding, the way it upsets you is evident. Still, your dismissal of it all makes him hesitant to even mention it.

Helplessly, he can’t do anything but watch, just as he has been doing for the past six years.

A week later, the sound of the doorbell jolts Chan awake at 2 a.m.

Right after getting home from the gym, he collapsed onto the couch and dozed off before he realized. All the work he had to tackle alone left him drained. It was yet another day when Changbin vanished in the late afternoon without so much as an excuse.

Chan rushes toward the door, expecting an emergency, only to find you standing alone in the dimly lit hallway. His initial reaction was confusion; you had a spare key, after all. But as the light from his apartment hits your face, red-rimmed, teary eyes meet his own, and Chan instinctively wraps his arms around you. 

You two remain in a silent embrace for a while, with Chan selfishly reveling in the feeling of your body pressed against his. Despite your vulnerable state, he can’t help but run a hand down your back, savoring your warmth and intoxicating scent that surrounds him.

You used to hold each other frequently when you were young, thinking nothing of it and simply seeking comfort in each other’s arms. But as you entered your late teens, the tension between you became almost palpable. You no longer sought his arms solely for comfort, and that was obvious to Chan. It was obvious because he was the same. Innocent hugs evolved into wandering hands and limbs tangling in ways that were anything but platonic.

At that time, he almost thought he had stood a chance.

Until graduation day, when you two hid away inside an empty classroom, with you sat on a desk and Chan slotted between your thighs, holding you against his chest as you cried. You were always terrified of change, and school ending was an unavoidable one that had been looming over your head for a while until it snapped.

That day, you almost kissed him, your lips mere inches from his as he gripped your waist nervously, his eyes foolishly fluttering closed in anticipation.

But you pulled away, pushing him back with a whispered apology.

After that day, that habit Chan loved so much slowly faded away.

Chan hates how he has every curve of your body memorized, but rarely has the privilege of feeling you this close to him anymore.

You pull away abruptly, much like you did when you were eighteen, clearing your throat and entering his apartment without uttering a word.

Closing the door behind him, he joins you on the couch, where you sit nervously, bouncing your leg.

“What happened?” He asks, although deep down, he already knows the answer. Your only answer is a half-hearted shrug, so Chan hesitantly continues, “Is this about the wedding?”

He doesn’t miss the way your eyes well up, but you swiftly blink away any tears that threaten to spill over. Once again, Chan takes your dismissal of your own emotions as a sign for him to keep quiet.

Except this time, you don’t.

“Changbin asked to postpone the wedding,” you simply tell him.

A surge of anger washes over Chan like a tidal wave, pushing him to walk out of his apartment right now just to punch his friend in the jaw. You’re sad — Changbin made you sad. No matter how hard Chan tries or how much he sacrifices, moments like these always serve as a sour reminder that your happiness isn’t solely dependent on him.

He despises these moments.

“I feel like he’s so different. Even before proposing,” you murmur, lowering your head and focusing on your nails, nervously picking at your chipped nail polish. “We hardly ever go on dates and he never makes jokes or does silly shit to make me laugh anymore. I know it’s stupid and even a bit selfish, but I miss those things.”

You let out a heavy sigh and slowly looked up to meet Chan’s gaze. He silently wishes he could absorb all the hurt you feel.

“That’s the man that made me want to stay for six years, and he’s just… gone.”

Chan nervously gnaws on his bottom lip, as if that will consume the words in his throat before they slip out. But these words have been lingering on the tip of his tongue for over five months. Ever since you gathered your little friend group in your living room on a rainy Sunday evening, beaming as you and Changbin announced your engagement.

Tonight, these unspoken words finally escape his lips.

“Why did you accept the proposal, then?” He asks softly.

You let out a bitter scoff and sink lower into his couch.

“Guess I thought that man would magically come back the moment I said yes. But he didn’t,” you shake your head. “So I ignored it, assured myself he would come back once I said ‘I do’. Now, I’m not even sure…” You trail off, pursing your lips as the sentence dissipates into the air.

He remembers the early years of your relationship with Changbin. You would call Chan just to swoon over his charming personality and jokingly scold him for keeping your boyfriend at the gym until late at night. He recalls how you used to melt at his sweet gestures, like bringing you a cup of coffee after your shift or carrying you up to your apartment when you dozed off in the car. A few months ago, he noticed your avoidance whenever Changbin was brought up, and your usual long-winded stories about him were now replaced with short answers.

But he remained quiet, like he’d always done.

A few minutes pass before you speak again, and your words strike him like an unexpected left hook, knocking the air out of his lungs.

“I thought about ending things a lot,” you confess, “When I noticed this change wasn’t wavering, I was ready to leave.”

“But you didn’t,” Chan counters.

Your lips curl into a smile that doesn’t quite reach your eyes as you slowly nod. “But I didn’t,” you simply say. “I was afraid of what that would do to our friend group. It’s stupid, right?” You rhetorically ask.

When your gazes meet, your eyes are devoid of any emotion, a stark contrast to the usual spark he’s always loved. It’s as if you’ve abandoned any hope you had left inside of you, and his heart sinks.

“I didn’t want things to change because of me.”

Chan sighs. “You shouldn’t sacrifice your own happiness for the sake of others,” he tells you, and the irony isn’t lost on him. He inwardly grimaces, because isn’t that exactly what he has been doing for most of his life?

But it’s different, he rationalizes. It’s different because it’s you.

“You know me, Chan,” you huff out, wrapping your arms around yourself as frustration slowly consumes you. “I hate making people sad, hate knowing things are worse because of me.”

That’s just another of the many things Chan hates — how fucking similar you and he are.

“That’s why everybody says you shouldn’t date your friends, huh?” You let out a bitter scoff. “It never works out. Just fucks everything up.”

Chan bites down on his bottom lip so hard he swears he tastes blood on his tongue.

“That’s not always the case,” he’s quick to add. “Remember when Jun and Miyeon dated? They broke up and things were awkward for a while but—”

“They were together for a few months, Chan, not six years,” you interrupt him with a scowl. “If Changbin and I had broken up, our little group would’ve been just as affected as us. People would pick sides, try to place the blame on someone, and things would inevitably change.”

“Things are bound to change at some point,” he reasons. “We’re not in college anymore.”

Chan is certain there’s something more stopping you from ending your relationship, but he’s afraid you’re also unsure of that reason.

“I love Changbin,” you suddenly say, turning your body to face Chan. “This is stupid, I’m sorry I came here in the first place. He’s just stressed, he’s gonna come back one day—”

“Stop talking like that,” Chan cuts you off, voice louder than he intended. You slowly tilt your head to the side, eyeing him with confusion. “Stop talking like Changbin isn’t here, like he’s distant because he has no choice. He hasn’t gone anywhere. He’s still here, and he’s still distant.”

You divert your eyes, focusing on a spot behind Chan, making him wonder if he crossed a line. When the seconds tick by and you remain silent, he braces himself to watch you leave.

Instead, you whisper, “I know.”

“I would never treat you like this,” he absentmindedly says, his own eyes wandering aimlessly around his living room, looking anywhere but at you. If he tries hard enough, he can almost pretend that he isn’t saying these words to you, that he isn’t essentially confessing his repressed feelings to his best friend, who is already engaged. “Would never propose to you and have you plan the fucking wedding only to ask you to postpone it,” he lets out a scoff, his face contorting with disdain. “Fuck off. Postpone it? Changbin’s a coward.”

“I feel so alone,” you admit, seemingly ignoring his unprompted soliloquy. “You know I hate feeling alone. If I were to end things with Changbin now, after all these years, I know this loneliness would kill me.”

And you’re right; Chan knows better than anyone how much you hate feeling alone. Whenever your parents had to leave for business trips or vacations, you would seek refuge at his house to avoid being alone. When your roommate kicked you out of your dorm during university, you begged him to sleep with you in the study area so you wouldn’t be alone in the dark.

The thought of you spending your days alone in your apartment and sleeping by yourself at night makes Chan feel as if his heart is being trampled on.

“You’re not alone. I’m here,” he assures you, his eyes finally lifting to meet your gaze. “I’ve been here since we were kids, and I’m not going anywhere.”

A giggle suddenly escapes from your lips, and your hand rests on his arm. Your gaze shifts to where your fingers delicately trace patterns on the sleeve of his shirt.

“Remember when we were thirteen? We promised to get married if we were still alone when we were adults.”

Chan nods slowly, and an uneasy feeling washes over him. It’s been years since you’ve been this physically close to him, toying with the fabric of his shirt and saying words that foolishly make him think you might be flirting with him. Why must you bring this up now? Now, when you’re certainly not alone, but very much engaged to one of your mutual friends.

“I feel like every childhood friend makes that silly promise,” he tries to deflect, a forced chuckle leaving his lips. Nevertheless, the small smile on your lips lingers as you dismissively shrug at his words.

“It wasn’t silly to me,” you argue. “I meant it. Especially when I realized you were the only one who always stayed, even when everyone else seemed to leave me.”

He only now realizes how you’ve inched even closer to him, your foot softly brushing along his leg and your fingertips now delicately gliding along his arms, causing goosebumps to ripple across his skin. The small voice of reason inside his already clouded mind desperately urges him to back away, but his body refuses to move.

And then you gently intertwine your fingers with his and finally meet his eyes. Chan instinctively closes the small distance between you, his shoulder brushing against yours as you shift on the couch to throw your legs over his lap like you used to do when you were kids — except now, the gesture is anything but innocent, the air almost suffocating Chan with a looming sense of anticipation.

���Y’know, my mom was so happy when I told her I was dating Changbin,” you huff out a laugh at the memory, and Chan’s lips twitch into a small scowl. Although you speak as though this is news to him, he’s fully aware of what you’re referring to. He was sitting in your bedroom with you the day you told your mom. He knows what you’re alluding to, and he knows it’s wrong, but he finds himself simply nodding along to your words. “She was laughing about how scared she was that I would pick you. She was so sure we would end up together, and she hated it.”

It was never a secret how much your parents disliked Chan, although he never understood their reasons. Your mom always treated him with just enough feigned kindness that it wasn’t a glaring disdain, but you were quick to tell him all the things they would whisper behind his back.

Chan gently brushes a strand of hair behind your ear, his fingertips then gliding along your face, tracing a path from the curve of your ear to your cheek. His eyes carefully follow his movements, and you suck in a breath, leaning into the touch.

“I also kind of hoped for that,” he mutters, barely audible.

“I’m so lonely, Chan,” you whisper back, and he feels every corner of his heart shatter into a million little pieces. The way your eyes glisten with unshed tears in the dim lighting of his living room finally has his resolve crumbling.

“You’re not alone,” he reiterates. “I’m here.”

Before he can stop himself, Chan closes the small distance between you and crashes his lips to yours. Just as guilt begins to course through his veins, you tug at his shirt, pulling him even closer until you ultimately climb onto his lap. Chan’s lips delicately brush against yours at first, but the kiss soon grows feverish. His hunger for you has been building inside of him for an eternity, and now that he’s finally tasted you, the all-consuming desire to have you overrides any remaining rationality in his mind.

His tongue glides along the seam of your lips before slipping into your mouth, and he all but growls at the feeling. Your fingers tighten their grip on his shirt, digging into the fabric while you let out the sweetest sound Chan has ever heard.

You slowly grind in his lap, and his hands grip your hips tightly, his cock twitching even at the soft movement. A surge of clarity washes over him, and he wonders how something this wrong can feel so good. Wonders why Changbin was lucky enough to have you like this whenever he wanted, while he was left to pine and yearn for years.

“What are we doing?” He asks between kisses, and you let out a shuddering sigh, shaking your head.

You whisper, “I don’t know. Just want you.”

A small part of Chan wants to push you away, knowing you’re simply seeking solace in him, desperately searching in him for what you no longer have with Changbin. But a bigger part of him has been yearning to have you for far too long to refuse your request.

He drowns out every faint whisper of reason in his head and slots his lips over yours once more, your soft moans traveling straight to his cock. Slipping your hands underneath his shirt, your palms raise toward his chest, nails lightly grazing his skin before trailing down the tense muscles of his abdomen. Chan whines when your fingertips brush against his clothed cock, already achingly hard in the confines of his pants. It was almost pitiful how effortlessly you made him desperate, his thoughts consumed with only you.

You break the kiss to pull down the straps of your dress, unhurriedly, eyeing him with a grin while he watches the thin fabric pool around your thighs.

“Y’know I always wondered what it’d be like,” you breathe out, and Chan’s lips fall open as you gently palm him through his sweatpants. “Always thought about what it’d feel like to have you fuck me.”

“Fuck,” he rasps out, cock swelling further in your hands when you squeeze his length. “Don’t say shit like that.”

You simply giggle, and Chan lets out a low groan, grinding his hips into your hand, desperately seeking more friction. He doesn’t want to think about the weight of that statement — not when your fingertips brush against his lower stomach, teasingly toying with the waistband of his sweatpants before finally pushing it down, gripping his cock in your hand. Chan hisses, his hold on your hips tightening while you glide your hand along his length, finding a slow, tantalizing rhythm as you begin to stroke him.

He feels as if his hands are tied by silent guilt, as if touching you any more will somehow make everything too real. But you press your lips to his like it’s second nature, swirling your tongue in his mouth just as your thumb swipes across his slit, gathering a drop of precum before smearing it down his shaft. It’s too much, and Chan groans into the kiss, finally allowing himself to touch you.

Carefully, his hands travel from your hips up to your stomach, caressing the soft skin. The way you feel underneath his fingertips has him drunk with lust, like a flood of long-awaited desire and longing finally being released.

“Touch me,” you whisper, words almost muffled by his lips. “Please.”

And Chan’s never been able to deny you.

His fingers skim over your breasts, trembling hands squeezing through the delicate lace of your bra. Your body eagerly responds to his touch, your nipples pebbling beneath his hands and a soft sigh falling from your lips. It feels like heaven to know that he’s the one coaxing these sounds out of you, and it’s enough to snuff out any trace of guilt Chan had remaining inside of him. As he pinches your nipples, rolling them gently between his fingertips, a surge of pleasure shoots through your body, making you jerk on his lap, your grip on his cock tightening.

Chan grins. “I thought about it too,” he admits, words softly whispered as he leans closer and presses his forehead against yours. “Thought about fucking you so much it almost drove me insane.”

These confessions are only half-surprising if Chan were completely honest with himself. He knew exactly where his mind wandered whenever you two got tangled up in his bed when you were teens, and he convinced himself you were the same. At that time, it was merely an attempt to alleviate the guilt he felt for having those thoughts about you.

But this confirmation was all he needed to truly surrender to his selfish hunger.

His hand slowly moves down your stomach, edging closer and closer to your panties. Your eyes remain locked on his, your heavy breathing brushing against his lips when his fingers tentatively slip beneath the soft fabric.

“Can I?” He whispers, and you nod, stroking him almost feverishly as your eyes become completely lust-clouded.

Chan’s fingers slide between your slick folds, a guttural moan reverberating through his chest, his cock twitching under your fingers.

“Holy shit, you’re soaking wet,” he groaned, his thumb softly pressing down on your clit, causing you to grind your hips into his hand.

“Chan,” you breathe out.

Your once deliberate strokes fizzled out into languid touches, but Chan couldn’t bring himself to care. Not when you were this fucking wet, all because of him.

“Tell me what you want,” he hums, pressing a small kiss to your open lips. He grins when your only response is a whine, rolling your hips forward once more. “Tell me.”

“Want you, Chan,” you choke out, “Want anything you wanna give me.”

Chan bites back a growl, slowly sliding a finger inside of you, your walls greedily clenching around it while your hips begin rocking in his lap, his thumb circling your clit. He can feel your arousal coating his finger, curling the digit before pulling away only to push back in again, two fingers now gently pumping in and out of you.

Pressing his lips to your throat, Chan grapples with the overwhelming need to mark you, bite and suck on your sensitive skin until it bloomed in hues of red and purple when you moaned so sweetly for him. The thought of Changbin coming home only to find you claimed by him had Chan groaning against the pulse of your neck, his cock throbbing in your hand just as your palm languidly circles the swollen head.

“Wanna make love to you,” he murmurs against your skin, leaving soft kisses up your throat until his lips are pressing against yours. Love — as if this was anything like love. “I need to,” he all but begs, and you hastily nod, tugging his shirt over his head and crashing your lips together.

Chan pushes your body down onto the couch, his heavy-lidded eyes dark like the shadows that covered his living room as he stares down at you. He’s wanted this for so long, dreaming and fantasizing about it to the point of pitifulness. Yet now, he hesitates. It’s almost as if everything else you have done tonight could be forgotten — maybe even forgiven — but the moment the images from his daydreams stumbled out into the real world, everything would truly be ruined.

“Chan,” your voice brings him back to the moment, his gaze softening at the way you looked up at him. “Don’t overthink this.”

He bends his face to yours, huffing out a breath. “It’s kinda hard not to.”

“Worry about tomorrow when tomorrow comes,” you whisper, and Chan smiles. He slides a hand through your hair, brushing a stray piece from your eyes.

His focus is quickly brought back to the scorching heat of his cock resting against your lower stomach, precum dripping from the tip and gathering on your skin. Gently brushing against your lower lip with the pad of his thumb, he fits himself between your open thighs, and you press a chaste kiss to his fingertip.

Chan effortlessly lifts you, blunt nails sinking into the soft skin of your ass as he watches you slide your panties down your thighs before he aligns your hips with his. He glides his cock along your folds, teasing your clit with each movement. The heat from your arousal coating him seems to sear into his skin, and he immerses himself in his desire even deeper. He carefully studies your features when you squeeze his shoulders, eyes tracing a slow path down your face, and Chan is certain he wouldn’t mind waging a war against every inconvenient obstacle that kept him from seeing that glint of bliss on your eyes every day.

His tip grazes your entrance as he pulls back, lips tracing along your skin before slowly pushing into you. As much as Chan wants to take his time, savor the experience and explore every inch of your body until it becomes seared into his memory, he knows he won’t be able to do that tonight. Years of yearning and longing finally came pouring out, consuming him with the want to selfishly chase this long-desired feeling.

When his hips meet yours, he takes your hand in his, guiding it to press on your lower abdomen. Your lips fall open slightly, the feeling of his cock pressing against your belly causing your eyes to flutter shut, and Chan’s arousal becomes almost unbearable. It was almost like a false testament, fooling him into believing you were finally one, even though it was nothing but a pretty lie.

“We’re a perfect fit. Shit,” Chan hisses, your inner muscles clenching around him at his words.

His thumb pressed firmly against your throbbing clit as he began rolling his hips, falling into a gentle and steady tempo. Your legs wrap around his body, hips rolling up and silently urging him to move faster, matching the rhythm of his unspoken longing. 

“Chan, please,” your voice chokes out. You intertwine your fingers together, wrapping an arm around his shoulder, eyes looking at him almost pleadingly. “Need you to fuck me.”

He snaps at your soft plea, pulling back and thrusting into you harshly, barely retreating from your wetness before plunging back in. Your nails dig into his skin, scoring lines down his chest while your other hand squeezes his. Chan winces at the sting but revels in the fact that you’re marking him — something he could only ever dream of doing to you.

He reluctantly lets go of your hand to firmly grasp your ass, forcefully lifting your hips to draw you even closer to him, fingernails etching crescent moons into your soft skin in an almost petulant attempt at claiming you as his. At least for tonight. Chan’s thumb rubs circles around your clit, bringing you closer to the edge of your orgasm. His grip on your skin tightens, pulling your body toward him almost desperately. His thrusts soon grow sloppy, his once deliberate rhythm long forgotten as his control quickly ebbs away.

“Got no idea what you do to me,” Chan grunts, pressing his forehead to yours. “If you were mine— fuck,” He hisses when you clench around him at his words — at the idea of being his. “I’d be so good to you. Fuck you like this every night.”

You attempt to call out his name, but the sound dies at your throat with a whine. Looking for purchase among his forceful thrusts, your hands travel up his chest and clutch at his shoulders with a tight grip.

“Then fuck me like I’m yours,” you choke out, hooking your ankles behind him to keep him as close to you as possible. Chan’s only response is a low, guttural growl, which is soon swallowed by your sighs as he crashes his lips into yours.

You arch your back, breaking the kiss with a cry, muscles tightening while Chan continues to plunge into you at a merciless rhythm. Your cunt throbs around his length, the relentless pressure of his finger on your clit sending shivers of euphoria through your entire body, drawing out your climax. Chan feels lightheaded, the beautiful sight of your orgasm enough to drive him to the edge.

As his cock twitches inside of you, he reluctantly leans back, rising to his knees and wrapping his fingers around his length, stroking himself over your body while you watch him with half-lidded eyes. A low sound rumbles within Chan’s chest as his hips jerk against his fist. His release spills from his cock and paints your stomach with milky streaks of his cum, finally marking you as his.

At least for tonight.

Even though it’s nothing but a pretty lie.

As you wake up, the unfamiliar sensation of sunlight streaming through the window hits your tired eyes. Panic washes over you for a beat as you take in the feeling of an unfamiliar bed, but a familiar scent soon envelops you, instantly soothing you. Not waking up alone also feels unfamiliar, but it’s a welcomed unfamiliarity. You turn your body towards the person next to you, and you’re greeted by Chan, peacefully asleep with a small smile on his lips. A grin slowly spreads across your face too.

It had been so long since you were this close to him, even longer since you woke up beside him. Sleepovers were common during your childhood, but they naturally stopped as you grew older. You were nineteen the last time you lied next to Chan like this, drunk on cheap beer and cramped next to him on a worn-out couch of some fraternity house. You remember how his chest slowly rising and falling somehow felt like home, and how his soft snores lulled you into sleep.

Your love for Chan has always been greater than you’ve let on.

Your vicious need to please those around you hindered your ability to express how much you loved him. Your parents hated him since you were fifteen. Catching Chan smoking with a group of boys from your school behind the mall cemented their opinion of him. Despite his ‘bad influence’, they reluctantly allowed your friendship to continue, with the condition that you wouldn’t be swayed by his bad ways.

If only they knew what you did last night.

If only they knew how you were the one to incite him, letting your own bad ways tarnish him.

As your eyes flutter closed, memories of the night before flood your mind; Chan’s hands on your body, his hungry kisses, and the way he fucked you until you felt intoxicated. But the feeling of bliss swirling in your chest quickly dissipates, replaced by the weight of guilt, crushing your ribs and knocking the air from your lungs. Your eyes snap open, and you sit up on the bed with a shuddering sigh. Even the feeling of Chan’s clothes clinging to your body makes you feel dirty.

Beside you, Chan groans, your sudden movements having disturbed his sleep.

“What time is it?” He rasps out. The sound of his voice alone nearly makes you flinch. As his fingertips graze your arm, you instinctively withdraw as if his touch scorched your skin. Chan sits up as well. “What’s wrong?”

You almost scoff at his words.

“Nothing,” you lie, throwing the covers off your body. You frantically search his bedroom until your eyes land on your dress draped over a chair.

You take off Chan’s shirt in haste, spitefully throwing the fabric on the floor as though it embodied your every sin. As if removing it from your body would somehow absolve you from what you chose to do last night. Just as you reach to undo the drawstrings of his sweatpants, his touch lingers on your skin again. You can’t help but flinch once more.

“Hey, calm down. Please, talk to me,” Chan’s soft voice only intensifies the anguish in your chest.

“Don’t touch me,” you mumble, tears gathering in your eyes as remorse gathers in your throat until it feels as if you’re suffocating. Chan removes his hands from your arm but remains beside you. “What the fuck did we do? We betrayed his trust, we betrayed…” you trail off, because you can’t even bring yourself to say Changbin’s name out loud. Finally, you turn to face Chan, shaking your head in disbelief. “He’s our friend. He’s my fucking fiancé.”

Chan stays silent. Tears stream out of your eyes, cascading down your cheeks and onto the floor. Your shoulders tremble, and each breath you take cannot fill your lungs enough to ease the weight on your chest. Chan stands in front of you, his tear-filled eyes mirroring his own heartbreak, evident in every corner of his face. He reaches out to you several times, but his hands only clench into fists and drop by his sides every time.

He helplessly watches as your tears fall over something that was a choice. A momentary bliss, a whim that has proven to be unnecessary, even though your feelings for Chan have always gone beyond platonic. How you wish you could go back in time and prioritize your own happiness instead of constantly sacrificing it for the sake of others. But you can’t, and the once beautiful love you had for Chan now only feels tainted.

He watches you silently, unmoving until you finally swallow enough tears to choke out, “Please hold me.”

And Chan does, cold hands wrapping around your trembling body as fresh tears pour out of your eyes, cascade down your cheeks and onto his shirt.

  You cry the entire afternoon, guilt becoming a ghost that haunts you as you pad around Chan’s apartment. Yet you can’t bring yourself to leave his side. Soon, his clothes stopped feeling like a vice tightening around your neck and transformed into a soothing embrace.

The only words you exchange are over cold leftover pizza. Chan says it’s best to just pretend the previous night never even happened. You’re quick to tell him you don’t want that.

“It was a mistake,” he quietly told you.

“It was a choice,” you corrected him. “And I’m happy I did it.”

And that’s the worst part of it all; you don’t regret having sex with Chan. You regret the cheating, the pain this would cause Changbin if he knew, and you especially dread the scrutiny you would face if people were to find out. But not even for a second do you feel any regret about Chan.

Before you know it, it’s already dark out. You find yourself staring out the window, pulling at the hem of Chan’s shirt that still hugs your frame.

You don’t want to go back home.

Four messages from Changbin apologizing for not coming home last night greet you every time you unlock your phone.

Changbin: hey baby, sorry Changbin: there was a huge fight at the bar, seungmin was bloody on the floor before i knew it Changbin: had to stay and take care of him after i took him home Changbin: i’m so sorry. i’ll make it up to you. love you

You ignore them every time. You don’t feel bad about it.

“I don’t wanna go back home,” you mumble to yourself. Behind you, Chan hums softly.

It feels like an eternity before he finally breaks the silence.

“Then don’t go.”

So you don’t.

Time slips away from your hands, and suddenly a week has gone by. You stay at Chan’s apartment, working from his computer, eating his food, and wearing his clothes. He makes love to you and you sleep in his bed every night.

You avoid every mirror and close every curtain as if that will shield you from your sins.

For so much time, it felt as if you were crawling through endless days, constantly brushing aside the things that upset you, things you fruitlessly wished you could change. All while forcing a smile that long stopped being sincere. This week, your smile was tightly bound to a warmth in your heart that had been absent for far too long.

Cooped up inside Chan’s apartment like a fugitive from your own mistakes, you were finally happy.

You have always lived a life driven by the desire to please others. From the university you attended to the man you chose to be with; everything was carefully thought out to ensure the happiness of those around you. Was it a wonder you were so soulless?

Is it a wonder you found bliss in doing something so selfish for the first time in your life? Every time Chan touched you, it was like a small light was ignited inside you.

Changbin’s messages sat unread in your phone; the only ones he sent you the entire week. 

  You chose to return home the day your mother called you to ask about the wedding. Chan drove you in silence while you clutched his hand.

As soon as you step into your apartment, it’s as if all the light Chan brought back into your life the past week is snuffed out. You glance around the dark living room, your eyes then traveling toward your bedroom, only being met by more darkness. Seems your fiancé still hasn’t come back.

Changbin going to that bar was the catalyst for your spiral of mistakes. He’s often gone to bars, and you never thought much of it, until he started prioritizing his time with his friends over time with you. That night, you had asked him to stay in for a change, suggesting you could watch a movie and order too much food like you used to do when you first moved in together. He said he would love that, but that night was really important. Apparently, Jisung needed help chatting up the bartender, and that was crucial in his road to getting over his ex. Apparently, that was more important than spending time with you.

You were arguing before you knew it. Although you did most of the talking, so it felt more like a helpless monologue than a proper fight. Changbin hated fights, and had mastered the art of dismissing things and never addressing them again. He was out the door right after nonchalantly asking you to postpone the wedding.

“I’m not in the right headspace to deal with shit like that now,” he’d said, and you scoffed at how he referred to your wedding.

“Flower arrangements, color schemes, guest lists… I’d rather do anything else but that right now. My friends need me,” Changbin continued after you remained silent, because you knew you would only end up arguing with him again if you were to speak. He spoke as if you didn’t need him.

“Jisung is finally taking the steps to get over that shitty ex of his and you know Chan can’t run the gym without me,” were the last words he muttered before pressing a kiss to your forehead and leaving you alone for yet another night.

The mention of his name was all it took for you to run out the door and into Chan’s apartment.

After dragging yourself toward your bathroom for a quick shower, you berate yourself for feeling disappointed in the feeling of your own pajamas against your skin. After a week of being enveloped in Chan’s scent, the smell of your clothes seems almost foreign.

Even as you lie in bed, it somehow feels even colder now than it did during all the countless nights when you were alone. Just as you had grown used to the empty space beside you, it now feels wrong not to feel the warmth of Chan’s body pressed up against yours.

You shudder at that thought.

It wasn’t just anyone you missed in your bed. It was Chan.

In a way, it had always been him.

As you drift off to sleep, the sudden shifting of the mattress jolts you awake. Changbin is home. You inwardly curse yourself, as you won’t be able to feign sleep after being startled by his presence. He chuckles softly, slipping under the covers and pulling you close, a strong arm tightly wrapping around your waist. The dim light of your bedroom hides your grimace as he pulls your body flush against his, but you can’t help but flinch.

It feels wrong.

Just as much as Chan’s body had felt perfectly aligned with yours, Changbin’s mere presence feels out of place.

“Didn’t mean to scare you, babe,” Changbin apologizes, planting a gentle kiss on your shoulder. You mindlessly nod. “Though I’m glad you’re awake. I missed you.”

His soft kisses soon travel up the column of your throat, and you bite the inside of your cheek. Changbin effortlessly moves your body so you’re lying on your back, a soft smile playing on his lips as he leans in to kiss you.

And it feels wrong.

His tongue swipes against your lower lip, soon pushing against yours, and his taste has you clutching your fists. He slots himself between your thighs like he’s done countless times, and the weight of his body on top of you has your face twisting into a scowl. He slips a hand underneath your shirt, and the feeling of his calloused fingers across your skin has you instinctively pushing him away.

Changbin looks stunned for a beat, but his lips soon curl into a playful grin.

“Not in the mood?” He simply asks, and it makes you want to cry.

Because Changbin has always been the perfect man. He was gentle, never demanding, and always so caring to you. Even after his sudden change, his only flaw was how distant he’s become.

He is completely unaware of how you callously hurt him in the worst way possible, and the weight of that realization erases any urge you had to cry. You don’t deserve that relief.

After pressing a quick kiss to your forehead, Changbin sits up on the bed. You remain motionless, focusing on how the moonlight casts shadows on the ceiling instead of how your heart twists painfully inside your chest. You only break out of this trance once he hums beside you.

“Your mom called,” he tells you, his fingers swiping across his phone screen when you face him. “Forgot to tell you. I had to tell her we chose to postpone the wedding,” he chuckles casually, and you tightly clutch the covers.

Fuck.

“I didn’t wanna tell her yet, but…” you trail off with a shaky sigh. “I guess it’s okay.”

Changbin shrugs dismissively. “Yeah, she told me you avoided the topic when she called you. She was upset, though I don’t get it,” he scoffs. “We’re still getting married, just not now.”

Those words are enough to have your heart shatter completely.

Sadly, the happiness your selfishness brought you that week is nothing compared to the sorrow that envelops you for disappointing your mother.

Chan gave you the space he knew you needed.

Even though you gave him the happiest six days of his entire bleak existence only to leave him alone and wondering, he gave you space.

The way he forgot about everything else during those days with you was almost like a fantasy. Inside the little atmosphere you created, it was just the two of you and the love he had kept hidden for so long. He needed nothing more.

And then you left, and he gave you space.

Until the days turned into weeks, and he watched as two months slipped through his fingers like sand. Even though Changbin hadn’t visited the gym in over three months, Chan’s heart still clung to the hope that he would show up, longing for the chance to ask about you. He also hoped you’d reach out, even if it meant you’d ignore everything that happened in your little world and simply talk about the weather.

Every day, his hopes are shattered into a million little pieces.

He’d take anything over your silence. He would take you as a friend over as a familiar stranger in a heartbeat, would take his heart being broken over not having you at all. He endured that for over a decade, and he would happily ruin himself for you every single day.

And so Chan finds himself knocking at your door, his shirt clinging to his chest after a relentless afternoon of punching the sandbag in his office, futilely hoping to escape thoughts of you. He eventually walked out of the gym, heart pounding in his chest as he sprinted to your apartment as if he was scared you would disappear. Because he was.

As you slowly open the door, he finally stands before you. Your eyes widen as you take in his appearance — his ruddy cheeks, labored breath, and shaky hands that fumble to fix his disheveled hair. But Chan swears you’re the sole culprit for his heart hammering against his ribcage.

“What are you—”

“I want you to pretend it never happened,” he exasperates, “Pretend we never said anything, never did anything, just pretend. We can pretend together, I don’t care. Just don’t cut me out of your life like this.”

“Chan,” you murmur, pursing your lips before continuing. “I don’t… I don’t understand.”

“You said you didn’t wanna pretend that nothing happened between us. You said that,” he argues, trying but ultimately failing his attempt at keeping his voice down.

Chan feels as if his mind is unraveling. Every emotion he kept nestled inside his chest for years had finally spilled out the moment your lips touched his, and trying to bury this love again felt like a cruel punishment.

“Back in my apartment, I told you we should just pretend nothing happened, but you…” his voice dissipates into a sigh, the words dying at his throat, replaced by a lump that swelled in his throat.

He feels pathetic, adverting his gaze simply to blink away the tears that have gathered in his lashes. But when he turns to look at you again, your eyes are already pouring.

“I’m sorry,” you bawl, fingers gripping the doorframe until your knuckles turn white. “Chan, I’m so fucking sorry, but I can’t do this.”

Chan gnaws on his bottom lip, his eyes fixed on you as you turn and walk away, leaving him alone by your door. As he watches your figure disappear into the hallway, he realizes he cannot bear the agony of only helplessly watching you any longer.

“You said you were happy,” he yells out, following after you like a phantom you carelessly disregard. The sound of his voice echoes behind you, ignored as you enter the kitchen and resume drying plates and cutlery. Chan continues, “You started it. You chose to cross that line, chose to stay, chose to keep letting me make love to you every damn night—”

You drop a plate on the counter with a scowl, the delicate porcelain chipping at the edge. “Love?” You scoff bitterly at Chan, shaking your head. “That wasn’t love. That was a mistake.”

“That’s not what you said,” Chan retorts, and your eyes soften. He breathes out a heavy sigh. At this point, he knows he’s gone beyond desperation. He still continues, “Tell me you weren’t happy.”

“Chan…”

“Tell me,” he insists. “Tell me and I’ll gladly pretend with you.”

“I was scared!” You blurt out, “That week with you was the happiest I had been in so long, and it terrified me. But maybe that’s love, huh? Being selfish, putting myself before everyone else and acting like a fucking teenager. That’s surely love,” you scoff, words dripping with sarcasm.

A heavy silence falls between you. Chan is back in that familiar place, watching you engage in a silent battle within yourself, distant eyes almost boring holes into the chipped plate in your hands. Deep inside, he knows you’re right. It is selfish to want you to abandon everything you built for a dormant love you both buried so long ago.

But maybe being selfish is exactly what you both need. Maybe love isn’t selflessness, maybe it’s the complete opposite.

“Maybe that’s the love we deserve,” Chan breaks the deafening silence, carefully stepping closer to you. “After all these years of stupidly sacrificing our own happiness, maybe selfish love is the kind of love we need.”

But you remain silent. Your eyes wander around, almost as if you’re taking in the life that reflects the choices you’ve made. The walls of your hallway, adorned with polaroid pictures telling your story with Changbin, from just friends to the night of your engagement. Your fridge, where colorful magnets hold up little notes from Changbin, filled with sweet nothings and inside jokes. Chan notices the date on the most recent one, realizing it was over seven months ago.

As the minutes tick by, Chan braces himself for your words. He’s ready to be called insane, for you to yell and rightfully reject any notion of continuing your friendship. He knows there’s no going back to the way things were. That possibility died the moment you stepped into his apartment that fateful night.

Instead, you gaze up at him and whisper four words that leave him completely stunned.

“Run away with me.”

And Chan’s never been able to deny you.

Before you two can even make sense of anything, you’re already in your bedroom. Chan packs your bags while you kneel beside your bed, hastily jotting down words on a piece of paper. Your sudden giggle has him biting back a smile that blossoms on his face when you wrap your arms around his neck, bringing him into a deep kiss. He sighs into your lips. Your love was unearthed, dirty and tainted, but still breathing. It was sinful and borderline cataclysmic, but it was yours.

Since you were both ten years old, it has always been yours.

Your letter to Changbin hangs alongside the love notes he’d left for you over the years; selfish words nestled between sincere ones.

Inside his car, Chan’s hand intertwines with yours, and he watches your lips curl into a smile that finally reaches your eyes. It’s the first time he’s seen that expression grace your face in years.

And Chan’s emotions mirrored your own, so he made it his mission to make that happiness everlasting.

Even if it was through a selfish love.

♡ taglist: @bloom-ings, @linocz, @farahia, @mirbokk, @jisunglyricist, @jazziwritesthings, @seungseung-minmin, @yourcvndx, @hynjinnnnnnnie, @vlctorriaa, @redstayrosie, @binniesbabygirl, @pynchkilledme, @chansbabygirlsstuff, @pheonixfire777, @yongbokkiesworld, @kiensecent

[boy-in-red-dress]

HEAR ME OUT, so I made a list of Ford and Bill's character traits and how they compliment each other. Ford and Bill's relationship is a rather interesting and twisted dynamic which is one of the reasons why I like them a lot. So let's start with my interpretation of the two characters...

Stanford Pines

He a deeply intricate character, shaped by a life that have left him both brilliant and broken. Born as one of two twins, Ford’s life has been a constant struggle with self-worth and identity. His intelligence and curiosity set him apart from others, but they also isolated him, creating a sense of loneliness. This isolation was only deepened by his complex relationship with his twin brother, Stanley. Ford’s need to prove himself became a driving force in his life. Yet, it was never simply about proving his worth; it was about escaping the deep-seated feelings of jealousy, shame, and guilt that had haunted him since childhood.

Ford's brilliance, however, is matched by his flaws. His obsession with knowledge and understanding the unknown led him down dangerous paths, often pushing away those who cared for him. The rift with his brother, born out of both love and rivalry, is a central part of his character. Which is why (if you've read some of my work on ao3) I put the fact Ford thinks about Stan often.

Despite his vast intellect, Ford’s emotional intelligence often lags behind, making him susceptible to manipulation and leading him to make decisions that are sometimes cold and calculating. He is a man who is willing to risk everything—even his own humanity—for the sake of discovery and the pursuit of what he believes is right and what could do good for the world. This single-minded determination, while admirable, also reveals his vulnerability. His self-imposed isolation and his relentless drive to prove his worth have left him with a fragile sense of self that is easily shattered when confronted with his own limitations. Speaking of his limitations, that's where Bill comes in. To make Ford go beyond the limits of his human capabilities.

Bill Cipher

He's a being of pure chaos and malevolence, contrasts Ford's character in almost every conceivable way. Where Ford is driven by a desire for knowledge and understanding, Bill is driven by a desire for power and control. Bill’s complexity lies in his unpredictability and his capacity for manipulation. He is a master of deception, able to twist the desires and fears of others to suit his own ends. Unlike Ford, who is bound by his human emotions and flaws, Bill is unrestrained, reveling in the chaos he creates. He lacks empathy, seeing others only as tools to be used or obstacles to be destroyed. His lack of morality and his enjoyment of others' suffering make him a truly terrifying entity to come across.

BUT. They have similarities, too. Stay with me.

1. Intellectual Curiosity and Ambition

Both Ford and Bill possess an insatiable curiosity and a relentless drive to uncover the secrets of the universe. For Ford, this curiosity is rooted in a genuine desire to understand the unknown, to push the boundaries of human knowledge, and to make his mark on the world. His intellect is one of his defining traits, and it’s what led him to explore other dimensions and study the mysteries of Gravity Falls.

Similarly, Bill is driven by a desire to know and control everything. His curiosity, however, is twisted by his malevolent nature; it’s less about understanding and more about exploiting knowledge for his own gain. Bill’s intellectual prowess is evident in how he manipulates others, devises complex plans (or impulsive plans), and navigates the multiverse with ease. His fascination with the workings of the universe mirrors Ford’s own, but where Ford seeks to understand, Bill seeks to dominate and corrupt.

2. Rejection of Limitations

Both characters reject the limitations imposed on them by their respective worlds. Ford’s entire life has been a struggle against the boundaries set by society, by his family, and even by his own humanity. His six-fingered hands marked him as different from a young age, and this difference fueled his determination to transcend the ordinary. Ford’s rejection of these limitations led him to create the portal, opening a gateway to other dimensions, and ultimately, to his fateful encounter with Bill.

Bill, too, rejects any form of limitation. As a being from the Nightmare Realm, Bill refuses to be confined by the rules of any single dimension. His very nature is one of rebellion against order and constraint. He sees limitations as challenges to be overcome, often through manipulation and force. This shared disdain for boundaries creates a unique parallel between the two: Ford, the man who defied his world to expand his knowledge, and Bill, the demon who seeks to break the rules of reality itself.

3. A Sense of Superiority

Ford and Bill both harbor a sense of superiority, though it manifests differently in each. Ford’s superiority is intellectual; he knows he is smarter than most people around him, and this often leads him to act alone, believing that only he can solve the problems he encounters. This mindset can make him seem arrogant or dismissive, particularly when dealing with those who don’t share his level of understanding.

Bill’s sense of superiority, on the other hand, is rooted in his power and knowledge. He views himself as above all others, not just because of his intelligence, but because of his status as an interdimensional being. Bill sees humans as insignificant creatures to be toyed with, and he revels in the chaos he can create among them. His superiority complex is part of what makes him so dangerous; he genuinely believes that no one can match him, which drives his desire to control and manipulate.

4. Isolation and Loneliness

Both Ford and Bill are, in their own ways, deeply isolated figures. Ford’s intellectual pursuits and his strained relationship with his brother have left him lonely, often feeling like he is the only one who can understand or solve the mysteries he uncovers. This isolation is both self-imposed and a consequence of his choices; Ford often distances himself from others to protect them or to keep them from slowing him down.

Bill, despite his power, is also a fundamentally lonely being. His existence as a demon is one of isolation; he is a creature of chaos in a universe that generally strives for order. His interactions with others are almost entirely manipulative, and he lacks genuine connections. This loneliness could be a driving force behind his desire to dominate and destroy—if he cannot be understood or accepted, then he will make the world bend to his will instead.

5. Obsession with Control

Control is another trait that both Ford and Bill share, though their methods and motivations differ. Ford’s obsession with control stems from his fear of the unknown and his need to protect those he cares about. After his experiences with Bill, this need becomes even more pronounced, as Ford understands the dangers that lurk beyond the veil of reality. His attempts to control situations, however, often lead to unintended consequences, and his desire to keep everything under control can sometimes cause more harm than good.

Bill’s obsession with control is far more malevolent. He doesn’t just want control—he wants total domination. Bill thrives on bending others to his will, on twisting reality to suit his desires. His manipulation of Ford is a key example of this; by gaining control over Ford, Bill was able to bring chaos to the world in ways that would have been impossible otherwise. For Bill, control is both a means to an end and the ultimate goal itself.

Conclusion: A Complex Relationship

The similarities between Ford and Bill make their relationship all the more complex and tragic. Ford’s intellectual curiosity, his desire to break free from limitations, his sense of superiority, and his isolation all made him an ideal target for Bill’s manipulation. At the same time, these shared traits create a twisted mirror image between the two—Bill literally represents the dark potential of Ford’s own qualities, turned towards destruction rather than discovery. That is if you look at it that way.

Together, they form a complicated pair: Ford, the man who seeks to protect and understand, and Bill, the demon who seeks to control and destroy. Their similarities make them more than just adversaries; they are reflections of each other’s strengths and flaws, locked in a struggle that is as much about their own identities as it is about the fate of the world. This dynamic is what makes their interactions so compelling and their conflict so deeply resonant, as each tries to outmaneuver the other while grappling with the very qualities that make them who they are.

I want to lick these senior citizens— WHAT WHO SAID TJAT

[fandomlurker333]

A lot of people are screaming throuple and just writing the porn (which I get! It’s fun!). But reading them come is not enough for me. lol Toxicity is hot until it’s just damaging and sad for everyone. I want real happiness for these three weirdos.

The end of the film was meant to be the very beginning of something. Just the spark of an idea of them coming back to one another. But the real work starts after. 

And I think it would probably be a step-by-step thing. 

I can see Patrick and Art working to draw closer, with that strong foundation of their childhoods to build off of. Obviously having to resolve the hurt that so much time and distance caused them, and both being willing to forgive. But it’s clear at the end of the film that the door is open for that. They grew up together. There’s a real root of knowing that I think could carry them through the toughest parts early on. Their relationship evolving feels possible.

And Tashi and Art’s marriage would find some breathing room and maybe even some renewed delight for having Patrick present and loving on them both. Kinda seeing each other again through his eyes type thing. Remembering they’re more than who they have been to each other for over a decade (both operating in one mode to survive, never quite enough for each other -- not totally fulfilled and not appreciated in their fullness).

I don’t think Patrick and Tashi would be having sex at this point, but I can see like….tennis dates where they bicker. Just them all learning how to be in each other’s space for extended periods of time and enjoy it.

And maybe Art wouldn’t resent Tashi so much for not being able to give him everything (so much has been taken from her — she just doesn’t have all that much left. She’s been doing her best.) and maybe Tashi would feel more at peace seeing them play each other and knowing Art is really loving tennis, not just playing for her. Connecting with them both in that space and finding joy in tennis again, so it’s not just routine and pain and loss for her.

With that healing happening concurrently (with therapists as support, of course), I think they’d get far. And then once those relationships are more secure, once Art and Tashi learn how they relate to each other when he isn’t winning for her (which would be something new. They don’t know what that looks like yet!) then Patrick and Tashi, having learned way more about themselves in relationship and how to communicate, might start working on their side of the triangle lol. 

I could see them all exploring and working out the intimacy over time — not just sex, but intimacy -- what do they each need and how do they need it? And kink too, the various ways they each want/need to give or receive so they all feel truly satisfied.

And of course they’ll be partners co-parenting. All of them.

I can see Tashi finally grieving her injury, the life she lost, and rediscovering her love of tennis, not to win, but for the joy of being on the court. Her sobs the first time she plays again and it’s not competitively, just a little volley, but it’s like she’s finally alive again. Reminding herself she’s a leader in tennis the space still, that she can build success in that world even without Art’s career, but maybe it looks different. I see a healed Tashi learning to enjoy teaching kids. Taking on more protege. And letting Art and Patrick come help at her tennis camps. 

Art retiring like he said he wanted, running the foundation as Tashi steps back. Realizing that he’s actually pretty good at this business thing and going back to school for a Master’s in nonprofit leadership. Meeting new people. Making friends (that aren’t Patrick). Getting invited to a pottery class and seeing he loves to work with his hands. Playing tennis with Patrick on the weekends.

And my heart for stay-at-home dad Patrick. Who always forgets to change over the laundry and leaves his keys everywhere and puts the babies' shoes on the wrong feet. But my god he loves those kids so goddamn much. Patrick learning to cook for the family and getting really good at it like he does anything he hyper-focuses on. Patrick finally having a home with the two people he loves most and figuring out how to create some routine and stability for himself within that container.

The love in that home. Ugh. I think it’s possible! I think they can do it! It just takes work. 

[aves-rook-laidir]

I can feel myself becoming more and more familiar with DaTV now, like, the characters are becoming more familiar. I find myself thinking about them when I’m going about my day, filling in the gaps of who they are with my own headcanons. Like, did you know Emmrich is deaf in his left ear? He got slammed in his first week of combat training as an Apprentice. He was so annoyed about this that from that point on he worked really hard to practice combat, and to his, and everyone else surprise, was brilliant at it. It’s funny really, that this calm, gentle professor known for floating around picking flowers can knock you off your feet if you test him. Taash was the first to pick up on it, they didn’t bring it up just started fighting on his left.

Or Davrin, he keeps pushing off Bellaras attempts to talk to him about the gods, because he just can’t think about it. If he did it would be like a waterfall. He spent the most formative years of his life caring for Halla in the forest, Ghilan’nain is the Mother of Halla! His clan lived and breathed her worship, whether or not he keeps religion now, her presence is interweaved throughout his childhood, and it was all crap, she was nothing more than a psychopath mage, he can’t think about it.

Hallas make Bellara sneeze, but she denies it.

Lucanis was so overwhelmed that he missed his shot at Weisshaupt it took him nearly a day to utter a word to any of them, he left to be on his own as soon as possible and the moment he was alone he had a panic attack.

Harding often thinks back to Haven, and when the inquisition was just stating out. How she had thought back then that Varric and Solas were old friends, they way they walked together in the hinterlands, chatting about nothing in particular, felt so…comfortable. She misses those days terribly.

Neve didn’t lose her leg in some fantastic battle against the Venatori or a Dragon fight, she was just born without it. Sometimes people are just born different.

When Rook awoke from Solas telling her the truth about the Archdemons, she was so stunned and in shock that when she walked down the stairs to discuss with the others, she fell down them much to everyone’s alarm.

Having to fight a dragon in Treviso almost immediately after meeting cemented a close connection between Rook and Davrin, literally thrown into hell together.

Dorian was the only one able to get anywhere close to that dragon in Minrathos, managed to get a hit square in its eye, but it wasn’t enough. The Iron Bull was in the city the week before, but by the time the dragon attacked he was halfway to the Free Marches.

They all regularly play cards and games around the dining room table.

Taash keeps a small sketchbook on them where they likes to draw all the dragons they meets, they also pets every dog and cat they come across. They sneak hugs from Assan when they think no one is looking.

Emmrich gets Bellara to talk academic theory with him a lot as a form of distraction because he knows she lies awake at night having a never ending crisis of faith.

Bellara often worries and frets that Lucanis isn’t eating enough even though he’s feeding everyone. Lucanis worries the same thing about her.

Lucanis is dyslexic as fuck got really self conscious about how long it was taking him to read one of Neves novels, well, until he realised he literally wasn’t being judge at all actually.

Harding grows elf root to smoke it. Dream blunt rotation to be honest.

Communicating with the dead the way Emmrich does is harder than it looks, it takes a lot of stamina and if the connection is held for too long he’s prone to nosebleeds.

They spar and practice combat in the courtyard in front of the dining hall, usually one v one with the others sitting on the steps watching. Neve keeps encouraging them to take bets.

When Aves sleeps on the green couch, she often wakes up to find Assan curled up nearby. Either that or Emmrich hovering over her because she was screaming in her sleep again and he could hear her in the next room.

Taash and Bellara I’m still working on.

[somewhereinneptune]

ASTROLOGY OBSERVATIONS

Heeey! It's been agesss and I haven't done something in a while. I thought it's about time I give astrology observations a try since I've been into astrology for years yet I never posted about it or about what I've gathered so there goes!

Disclaimer: these are simply personal observations.They're things I observed around me from people and their charts to things regarding my own charts and self that I've analyzed so it may not resonate. With that put aside, hope you enjoy!

🎐If someone's sun falls in your 4th house, this can cause a lot of triggers since the 4th house is the house of roots, childhood and family so wounds in regards to these themes could resurface. These people might feel close like family too or like home, yet trigger many suppressed issues within . Ex : My mom and I have our sun signs in each other's 4th house and we have this up and down relationship where we sometimes feel so close and like we understand each other deeply, yet we get triggered by each other through the simplest of interactions and disagreements

🎐Neptune in 7th natal or transit as well as in the solar return chart can bring out themes such as rose -colored glasses in relationships and close connections, lacking boundaries or having a hard time understanding the concept of boundaries. Neptune in 5th might deal with similar themes too but with emphasis on Romantic connections

🎐 I'll need to clarify with more people but there's something about Scorpio risings and being left handed 😐 I'm a Scorpio rising and left handed myself as well as my dad and two more people and I don't know the connection behind it yet

🎐Chiron in 12th and the blur over pain : D this might manifest into the individual feeling triggered by things without being able to sense the root of the reason and it's because the 12th house blurs everything from the conscious eye . Its like this metaphorical apparition that keeps following you without making itself clear. Another reason could be that the trauma comes not from this lifetime but a past one. Many deep wounds I had to heal from in my healing journey turned out to root from previous life times

🎐 If someone's natal Saturn is at 0 , it either means they have reset karma by breaking a major karmic cycle in their recent past life or that this is their first incarnation on earth

🎐Another clue in my opinion for if this is someone's first or one of the first incarnations on earth is if their chart has an emphasis on the deeper and spiritual aspect . Ex : North Node in Ninth, Sagittarius placements and degrees, Saturn in Ninth, Sun at 0° degree, Saturn at 0° and the reason for that is that it signifies a soul that is just starting to learn and experience their way through life

On the contrary, Sun and Saturn at 29° might signify the ending of a long karmic cycle as well as maturity and having gone through several trials and lessons in life / past lives

🎐 One of the themes of Chiron in Scorpio can be fear of lies and dishonesty, fear of being manipulated and of hidden truth since Scorpio rules mystery and the hidden, and as Chiron rules wounds and trauma, the native usually does go through themes of lies and manipulation in their life

🎐 I've read before that having an empty house can mean you've mastered this house and that you can access it easily, yet I've noticed its usually the house or themes we tend to overlook, be unaware of or even bury or take for granted due to the focus being solely on the houses with the most placements and aspects

🎐Leo MC and Aquarius IC and the paradox between desiring to be seen and out there and getting triggered when you're under the spot light or seen in any way. The contrast between desiring attention as well as social groups vs needing so much space and alone time or to 'hide'

🎐Saturn in Aquarius natal could make someone prone to people - pleasing tendencies; since their karmic lesson is to learn to exist unapologetically and daringly in the world, the native would be prone to fear of existing authentically first or having a presence which would lead to trying to fit in with what the crowd wants to see regardless of whether it feels good to them or not

🎐personally, for those into spirituality : An indication of a spiritual awakening in a solar return chart could indicate Pisces and\ or Scorpio rising, Chiron in first, Pluto in 7th or 11th, as well as placements in the 8th and 12th like sun and north node in 12th or Uranus in 8th

🎐 to add to the previous note, sun in 8th transit and solar return is such an ego death placement. You're forced to face shadow aspects within you that you might have resisted or turned a blind eye to for some time

[class1akids]

Some thoughts about Ch 419 - character agency and origin

I'm way behind, but wanted to add my 2c on the debate relating to the AFO "twist" and what it means for Tenko to have AFO at the core of his existence. It made me think once again of the Shouto-Shigaraki parallels .

I didn't take it quite as bad as some of the fandom, because:

we kind of already knew AFO was behind it, we just didn't know the full extent

unlike a lot of people, I didn't think that Tenko being saved by vestige magic hugs, sidestepping Tomura's adult personality and going hand in hand with child!Izuku to fight the big bad would have been a good conclusion.

I also don't think that Tenko not having any agency is necessarily a bad thing. You see, my favourite character, Shouto is a lot like Tenko. His birth, his quirk, the loss of his family, every trauma that shaped him as a child leads back to Endeavor. He's born to be his weapon to use as he wishes.

His lack of agency doesn't make him a boring character. In fact, I find it fascinating how the story shows us Shouto clawing back his agency, identity inch by painful inch, until he's able to stand firm and say - so I can AFFIRM the reason for being born. So let's look at saving Shouto, because I do think it's kind of a blueprint not only for saving Tenko/Tomura, but to Tenko/Tomura rising to save others.

And if we remember Shouto's journey - yes, it starts with a moment of a hero reaching out to him, reconnecting him to his child self who was told that he can choose who he wants to be, he can be a hero.

Notice though how being reconnected to his child self, is not an insta-save. Baby!Shouto doesn't just take over UA!Shoto and erase his personality or past mistakes. Shouto himself has to do the work. He has to face his own shitty choices, like giving the cold shoulder to Inasa or not seeing his mom for a decade and try to reconcile who he is NOW after the abuse, grooming and being driven by negative feelings. Taking ownerships of his mistakes (even if the source is Endeavor) is one of the ways to emancipation.

But it's also not a straight path. Shouto experiences being faced with his childhood dream as a nerf (just like Tomura did now lose to AFO) because of the trauma and doubts he carries. He momentarily loses his will to fight.

For people who never had agency in their lives like Shoto or Tomura, the simple truth that you get to make choices is hard to internalize and the constant doubt whether it's a choice you make by yourself or are you just walking down the path your "creator" set out for you remains.

And how could it not? Shouto wants to be a hero and wants to be not like his father who is the No 1 hero now. It's a contradiction, no? And it takes Shouto 200+ chapters to come up with an answer to reconcile the tension - he wants to be a reassuring hero - something Endeavor never was. Having this goal in his mind, he's able to accept more and more of the tools his father gave him - his quirk, Endeavor's techniques, even gear that looks like his father's - because as long as he's rooted in his own will, his own goal, he gets to keep his own identity, he gets to affirm his reason.

This is why I want not some idealized child Tenko to vanquish AFO. I think it's much more powerful if the person who makes a return is Tomura (who is also Tenko, but I use Tomura as a shorthand for his adult self, the person who he has become).

And while it's undeniable that AFO is deeply at the core of Tenko's origin (just like Endeavor is for Shouto), I also think he's gaslighting Tomura when he says Tomura never made a choice. And I'm talking about the League here specifically.

The bonds Tomura created with Touya, Toga, Spinner, Compress, Twice, Magne, etc - are fully choices he made. AFO let it happen - but the League (a place for outcasts to be accepted) are Tomura's choices.

Just as for Shoto the friends he made are instrumental in him earning his agency, being able to affirm his existence and not crumble from tragedy, the LoV is the key for Tomura to start to claw back his own.

And that's why I think it's narratively desirable for them to be part of Tomura's endgame (also to mirror Deku who would be fully an OFA/All Might creation if not for the friends and allies he made for himself and who all come to his aid in the end).

The League is also the place where the Tenko/Tomura faultlines can be reconciled into a whole. Tenko's desire to be heroic (to play with the outcasts) and Tomura's desire to stand with his allies/friends (the villains). So it boils down into a moment of wanting to be the Hero of the Villains. That's Tomura affirming himself right there. This is not AFO's path for him, but it's him reintegrating everything he has become, his truths and understanding of the world, his bonds that shaped him into that childhood dream. (It's like Shouto's "reassuring hero" moment).

And I think Tomura losing himself to the trauma, PTSD, etc. momentarily is ok too. He lost the rage that drove him forward (like Shouto in the final of the Sport Festival) and is untethered right now. He will need to find a positive emotion to become his drive to take him forward.

But his power will surface with the right trigger, just like Shouto showing up at the Stain fight wielding his newly liberated fire to help Deku was the real pay-off for their Sport Festival fight. (But only after Shouto digged deep inside himself and went to face his mother, face the existence he was given and the hurt it caused to his family with the actual reality.).

I think Tomura will also need a "deep dive" to compare his perception of the world to the current reality. Is society as passive and worthless as his perception of it? The heroes all fighting together, the civilians pitching in feels like there is a change compared to the passive hero society he remembers. But I think the real trigger should be / will be the LoV coming in. Because is it true that AFO made him choose them?

The LoV despite their bonds being real and deep couldn't save each other because they were all spiralling deep in their own traumas. But now Toga and Touya also had their own moments of reconnecting with their child self and having that child's original desire fulfilled (for Tenko - a hero came, for Touya - his family watched him, for Toga - someone accepted her as normal) but of course it's not a magic solution.

Because that moment would have saved the child they were, but not enough for their current selves. They will also have to make their own choices going forward. I think all of them can find the reason to face AFO now - Toga still wants to protect the things she likes, Touya maybe able to move beyond his father's reasons and look for his own, but not from a revenge perspective, Spinner is loyal, Compress I think will also come.

How, you ask? Well, Kurogiri is still black with bits of white. He still has in him the conditioning to protect Tomura, but also infused with Shirakumo's genuine care. I think just like Oboro helped the heroes to round up everyone, Kurogiri will round up Tomura's allies.

And once they are there, Tomura will rise up to them and will be the hero of the villains, joining forces with Deku and everyone to finally finish off AFO (and maybe save his friends). Because even with the little agency he had over his life, those choices were his alone, and he will be able to root his identity in that.

[praetoravila]

SPILL YOUR GUTS MAGAZINE'S DANICA LANE GETS THE EXCLUSIVE FROM SINGER MACIE BEFORE HER 6TH ALBUM RELEASE: - More to follow under the cut.

{ TW for mentions of abuse and an attempted sexual assault. If you feel uncomfortable with these topics, feel free to skip this article and look at one of our beauty guides! }

taglist: @myloveforhergoeson @ceruleanmusings @raging-violets @bibaybe @rose-of-oz @ithinkyouhealedmyheart @nolanhollogay @happinessismagicc @kendelias @selangkir

At just 20-years-old, Macie formerly known by her legal name, Macie Smittens-Garcia, is the new “pop punk princess” on the scene.

Born in Savannah Georgia, but raised in Wilmington Island, the Georgian native has always been a musician - since she was a baby.

“My first words were me asking my older sister Maeve to put on Bills Bills Bills by Destiny’s Child.” Macie said, laughing as she remembered.

“Only I couldn’t pronounce my B’s yet, so it sounded like I was saying Dills Dills Dills.”

Music has always been a big part of Macie’s life, from her roots in beauty pageants to getting signed by Rocque Records at age 13. Since then, she’s released 5 albums, with another on the way.

“Twinkle Lights, is truly an album about self discovery. About knowing who I am. I mean it’s the first album I sing in Spanish on. Which was a big deal for me. I’m proud to be Boricua. It’s part of my heritage. The same way, being Scottish and German are.”

“Culture is important to me. I’m a punk girl, yes, but before that I am Afro-Latina. And that’s a big deal in this genre.” Macie explained, before elaborating.

“Pierce The Veil were some of the only Latinos in the rock genre that I knew of initially. And so, I’m very conscious that I am playing a similar part for young Latina girls.”

“For the longest time, I was scared to be my authentic self in this industry.” Macie said, as she elaborated. “And that put me into a lot of uncomfortable, unsafe situations. Twinkle Lights, is me getting to be authentic, and talk about some of my struggles, and why I am the way I am.”

Macie talked candidly about the sexual assault attempt that she mentions in the title track of the album.

Twinkle Lights, the title track opens with the lyrics of, At 14 years old I finally had to say No, and at 14 years old I finally had to let go. Prior to this song, and the album as a whole, Macie had never spoken about this incident.

“I didn’t have the words at the time to explain what had happened to me. And I struggled with that for a really long time, because I had the words to explain my mom’s behaviour.” she said, referring to her mother Amber Smittens, who is publically known for being Macie’s abuser from age 3 to age 7.

“I knew what CPTSD or childhood post traumatic stress disorder was. I didn’t know what this was.”

“But I didn’t have those words for the situation I went through at 14, or what I went through as a 19-year-old.”

“But with this album, I get to. And that’s a big accomplishment. In, Innocent Party, track two, I have a lyric that goes, The road to recovery was a long one, in case you wanna know, which was honestly mostly a line I came up with after seeing stuff people were saying online about me.”

“I was in such a bad place mentally, and knowing people were saying such shit about me made me so mad. They kept referring to me as an innocent party, as if they pitied me, and well... I got a song out of it at least!” Macie explained, a laugh forming.

The Puerto Rican-American girl continued on to talk about how fame messed with her self perception.

“It’s hard when everyone has an idea of who you are. Just because they listened to your music, or because they follow you on ScuttleButter. Which I have a very calculated version of myself out there for a reason. So when I’m able to be just Macie, it can be quite jarring.”

The interview which was done in Reseda, at Macie's first LA apartment, showed a different side to the singer than fans have seen. A softer, more vulnerable side. A side, that anyone who listens to Twinkle Lights, which is scheduled to come out on Macie's birthday in a few days, will see.

[pluppsauthor]

Character Profile Tag

Thank you to @willtheweaver for the tag!

I've seen a few of these and been tagged before I think, but this'll be my first one. To start it off, I'm doing Dusk from Frequency: Forsaken. (Copy/paste questions at bottom)

Full name: Dusk / Ralillith Tiro / Forsaken Fiend

Age: 19 (at the start of the story)

Gender: Male

Species: Human

Appearance: Dusk stands at 178 centimetres, his build is fairly thin, but he is still very fit and physically strong. His skin is a slightly pale sand colour and is covered with a few notable scars and no tattoos or other markings. He has a small vertical scar on the right side of his mouth and a thin horizontal scar around the middle of his neck. His eyes lack colour and are instead reflective like the surface of a mirror. His hair (at the start of story) reaches to the middle of his back, it's natural colour is black but there are streaks of pure, snow-white from his roots to his tips.

Occupation: None (start of story) / Face/head of the New Season.

Family: N/A

Best friend: Zenith Freydra

Pets: N/A

Describe their room: Since Dusk doesn't need to sleep, his room is very bare-bones. It generally only contains a desk, shelf, and a few training dummies. He also doesn't tend to stay in one place for very long, and although he does eventually get a permanent place of residence, that isn't for a while in the story.

Items in their bag/purse: Dusk doesn't need much, so he carries only useful supplies, such as navigational aids, means of note taking such as a journal, as well as carrying the others' supplies. He doesn't need to carry food, water, bedrolls, or anything relating to those items, so his pack is generally light.

Hobbies: Dusk tends to have a lot of free time when not exploring or travelling. He never gathered any hobbies throughout his childhood (since he didn't have much of a childhood). He does spend most of his free time reading, or training if he doesn't have proper access to reading material.

Favourite sport: Dusk, personally, has no real attachment to sports. His favourite would likely be whatever he is good at, so something in the realm of fencing, sword fighting, or boxing.

Abilities / talents / powers: Dusk, like most characters in my Frequency series, has a Frequency (tl;dr, superpower). His Frequency allows him to create objects out of light. Due to his connection to the runes (and a few other things), it isn't limited to that. For example, he can tell if someone's lying (i.e. a walking lie detector).

Some more mundane talents of his: Due to his past, and natural talent, he is extremely adaptable in combat. He hasn't been trained in every form of combat or weapon, but he is able to use whatever he can to the same effectiveness. He is also good at giving speeches.

Relationships: Dusk has two romantic/sexual relationship throughout Forsaken. Other than that, his allies/friends include:

Members of the New Season (Zenith, Dawn, Kyr, and Ino), Viridis, the Titan Family.

His enemies include:

Reven, Everden Family, Aurora Family, and the Daemons.

Fears: Forgetting, being forgotten, heights, jellyfish

Faults: Stubborn, self-doubtful, spiteful, believes himself to be the one to carry the heaviest of burdens

Good points: Resourceful, adaptable, loving/trusting of those close to him

What they want more than anything else: To be free of burden and prosecution. (I.e. to have no one pushing him around or wanting to kill him and knowing he can live his life in peace).

-----

This took a bit to fill out, but it was fun nonetheless! If you have any follow-up questions about Dusk, feel free to ask!

No pressure tagging @leahpardo-pa-potato, @tildeathiwillwrite, @mk-writes-stuff, @kaylinalexanderbooks, @honeybewrites, and open tag!

---copy/past questions---

Full name: Age: Gender: Species: Appearance: Occupation: Family: Best friend: Pets: Describe their room: Items in their bag/purse: Hobbies: Favourite sport: Abilities/talents/powers: Relationships: Fears: Faults: Good points: What they want more than anything else:

[wyllaztopia]

My question is: let's imagine that Nightmare had a childhood friend, his one and only childhood friend, and that she was a little girl who liked to fight to protect him and who literally had scars because of that because she literally fought every day to defend him, let's imagine that she survived the "incident", After the corruption of Nightmare how would he be with her? Would he be distant because he doesn't want to remember his past and the fact that he needed someone to defend himself, would he be tsundere with her or would he have a soft spot? Because I mean, his brother did not protect Nightmare because he was not aware of the others who harassed him, but she was the only one who had protected him, in part in any case. sooo.. would he be able to hurt her as much as he would be able to hurt Dream? After all, it's not as if she had protected Nightmare from absolutely everything, because as you said, it's not the only reason why Nightmare became corrupt and there were many others who added up.

ʕ•̫͡•ʕ•̫͡•ʔ•̫͡•ʔ•̫͡•ʕ•̫͡•ʔ•̫͡•ʕ•̫͡•ʕ•̫͡•ʔ•̫͡•ʔ•̫͡•ʕ•̫͡•ʔ•̫͡•ʔ (i love that enoji-)

I really love your version of Dreamtale! Joku doesn't give any more news so I have trouble orienting myself with Dreamtale’s story, but you show a whole new vision of things with Soulsborne! The philosophy you gave to Nightmare is much more complex than that of the original but I really hope that Joku will develop Dreamtale in the future! And we're counting on you for Soulsborne and his development 🫵🏼

thank you for such kind words omg this version of dreamtale literally came to mind when me and @neotxnic were reading the original dreamtale comic after we had a session of elden ring - it was also around the time i was delving deep into the dark souls trilogy lore. i wanted to add more depth and tone to the world of dreamtale and fromsoft games have really good story telling and lore so i wanted that to reflect on our revision of the story. note that i'm not trying to compete with joku and the original dreamtale. i think the original is good as is and very fun + heartfelt to read. on anotherrrr note - this will be a really long response to the initial question so buckle up because i will lore dump.

For this specific scenario, I won't make this character's insertion into the lore canon yet - I actually want you lot to share your opinions on the addition of Nightmare having a childhood friend.

-

Nightmare and Dream were both born from the roots of Motus Arbor (the Tree of Feelings, the very being of Nim or what's left of her). The two of them are task to guard the tree - Dream guarding the negative apples and Nightmare guarding the positive ones.

Dream sought out to the people, he believes that through guarding the tree, he also has to guard the feelings of others. Thus, he often travels around the kingdom where he does his best to help his people have a brighter day.

Meanwhile, Nightmare keeps to himself and guards the tree while Dream focuses on their people to keep their emotions stable. He usually sits by the bed of motus arbor and reads books under its huge shade.

Because of Nightmare guarding the positive apples and the stereotype people have formed of him being the guardian of negativity (despite Dream's attempts to let people know that Nightmare isn't a bad person), many other kids would go behind Dream's back to harass Nightmare and accuse him of taking advantage of the positive apples.

This happens often but Nightmare never paid mind to these claims or mistreatment. Because of his pessimism being influenced by the positive apples that he guards, he's more of a realist (pessimism-leaning) - and so he doesn't see much value in the bullying.

However, a young girl around his age would stand up against the bullies, speaking up about their prejudice and unfair treatment. She called them out about how their judgement held no merit because they didn't know Nightmare personally, what right did they have to come to such conclusions about a person?

As the kids went away, Nightmare told her that there was no need for her to stand up for him since he wasn't affected by the mistreatment. He was perfectly fine simply ignoring the flock. She shook her head at his statement,

She told him her belief that passiveness won't progress society to a better environment. If we simply ignore the bad, does that make us good? Does that stop the evil? Does that stop the dishonesty? How will a wrong become a right if nothing is done for it to be so?

This philosophy was quickly dismissed by Nightmare; "Fighting fire with fire never bears any good fruit."

Despite their opposing ideals, this girl would pursue a friendship with the dark prince. She was true to herself despite how different their worldviews are but somehow, some of their morals were seen to overlap - such as their respect for intellect and honesty. The two both found enjoyment in books and being less social. It was a blissful friendship where they didn't feel the need to be someone else and the other was perfectly fine with it.

However, the conflict between Dream and Nightmare happened. Nightmare saw that Dream was being mistreated by the other kids, that they were abusing his kindness - and he hid his feelings from his very own brother, Nightmare. The guardian of negativity slowly realized that Dream's ignorance and selflessness - whilst spreading happiness… it was happiness given the wrong way. It was a clear imbalance.

And for the first time, he'd heed his friend's words: something had to be done. - and as for how nightmare would treat this friend of his in the present time? well, he holds no attachments. he had already stripped himself for any positive feelings towards anyone - including the very friend that pioneered his current ideals. however, deep down, he respects her integrity - a thought lingers within him that she'd understand his plans if one day she were to find out. however, if he finds reason to, he'll kill her with his own hands.

[feal-the-grinch]

This AU's been in my docs for at least a year, and I thought it might be funny to post the little headcanons and incorrect quotes I have for it ! It's really not a lot, but it makes me laugh every time (seeing Rosa and Gina bicker is very enjoyable, in my opinion). I'll probably never write a fanfiction about it, but I may come back to add or change little bits of this post over time.

Hope some of you will enjoy it (and see the vision) !

In a Dianetti childhood “enemies” to friends to lovers! AU where Rosa and Gina went to middle school together (with the rest of B99) and, at first, hated each other:

Headcanons

Gina never once called Rosa “ugly” or whatever word like that, because no matter how she was angry at Rosa, she always recognized that the girl was beautiful in every way. 

Young! Rosa says mean things as a defense mechanism when she feels like someone is coming too close to her.

When they were little, Gina and Rosa couldn’t stand to be together in the same room, though they had to. Yet, even when they didn’t have to be, they searched each other.

They practiced and became very good at comebacks after all the years spent throwing punchlines at each other.

Progressively, the animosity that existed between them disappeared, and after one random summer, they willingly spent time with each other, in and out of school. 

Gina fell first and realized first. However, she didn’t think her feelings were right, perhaps not because of what her peers would think, but because of self-rooted issues, so she stayed silent about them (or maybe her dad was a homophobic jerk who instilled in her that she would be judged negatively by others, and that they might choose not to be around her anymore because of that).

Rosa took her time, and even when she realized it, she didn’t want to believe it. She denied it.

“I feel like there is more to you than what you let anyone see. And I wanna stay close to see it, to see what happens when you finally accept that part of you.”

Incorrect quotes to show the vibes 

Rosa, walking into a room: Sorry I’m late... I was... doing things.

*Sounds of running footsteps progressively getting louder*

Gina, out of breath: SHE PUSHED ME DOWN THE FUCKIN’ STAIRS.

/

Gina: I’m quick at math. 

Rosa: Ok, what’s 38 times 76? 

Gina: 24. 

Rosa: That wasn’t even close. 

Gina : But it was quick.

/

Gina: I'm 10 times funnier and sexier than you.

Rosa: 10 times 0 is still 0 though.

Gina: Buzzzzz. Hum, the buzzer says you’re wrong.

/

Rosa: What the fuck is wrong with you?!

Gina: Wow, you could start with a 'good morning'.

Rosa: Good morning. What the fuck is wrong with you?!

/

Gina: Must be hard not being able to laugh.

Rosa: I do have a sense of humor you know.

Gina: I’ve never heard you laugh before.

Rosa: I’ve never heard you say anything funny.

/

Gina: Hey, are you okay? 

Rosa: Yeah. 

Gina: You don't look okay... 

Rosa: Then stop looking.

/

Gina: Rosa is playing hard to get. 

Gina: Little does she know, I'm a master at playing hard to get rid of.

/

Rosa: I have issues. 

Gina: Finally, you admit it! So, the first step to redemption is accept- 

Rosa: With you.

/

Rosa: This is getting embarrassing. 

Gina: Getting? We’re already there!

/

Gina: If we lose, you’re out of the will. 

Rosa: I was in the will? You have a will ? 

/

Raymond and Kevin, walking into their house: Hello, people who do not live here. 

Amy: Good afternoon! 

Jake: Hi. 

Rosa: Hello. 

Charles: Hey! 

Kevin: I gave you the key to my place for emergencies only! 

Terry: Sorry, I tried to stop them.

Gina: Sorry not sorry, we were out of Doritos!

[cosmicjoke]

This is an interesting line from the AoT short story "First Dreams Spoke: Nile Dok". Nile ultimately chooses to become an MP after initially saying he would join the SC with Erwin, and he's down on himself for it, feeling like he betrayed his fellow soldiers. He says:

"My efforts weren't for humanity. They were for just one woman. What kind of motive is that for a soldier who 'dedicate his heart to the public'?, Nile said, mocking himself as he averted his eyes.

'No... that goes for me too,' Erwin shook his head.

'Excuse me?'

True, Erwin's dreams were based in a personal interest, but Nile thought that such discoveries would be for humanity's sake. He felt shocked.

Even Erwin may have been surprised by his own words, as he shook his head again and turned around.

'... Forget I said that.'

Nile had turned his back on the young soldiers' dreams, choosing instead to be an adult with a family. The first time he said this, it was to a corpsmate who never stopped pursuing his childhood dream."

Even this early on, we see the conflict in Erwin, the way he's torn between what he knows, deep down, is his personal dream, and what he believes his duty to be as a soldier of the Survey Corps. The rest of the story describes how even as a recruit, Erwin was able to convince many soldiers to join the SC in pursuit of his dream, convincing them that it was for the good of humanity to discover what was beyond the walls.

I think where the guilt begins to really manifest in Erwin, and why we see this sort of split in his awareness as to his true motivation, is because his personal dream, he knows, doesn't in fact find its foundations in an altruistic desire for the betterment of humanity, but in his own, deep seated guilt over his father's death. It's ultimately a dream rooted in something negative, and that negativity colors Erwin's perception of himself and what sort of person he must be. Erwin starts to see the power he has over people, though, his ability to sway them to a cause, and I think it's his willingness to embrace and utilize that ability, while secretly harboring a more selfish motive that he feels to be less than altruistic, that eventually drives Erwin over the edge. He clearly doesn't believe that his personal dream is worth people's lives, but that doesn't stop him from intentionally trying to convince people to give their lives for it. He doesn't quite have the strength to forgo using his persuasive talents on other people in order to move closer to his dream. He lets his personal desires drive him to doing what he feels isn't right. And that ultimately compounds his guilt and self-loathing, and drives him, I think, to lean harder into convincing both himself and others that his goal truly is the salvation of humanity in an attempt to cope with that guilt, but which only worsens his guilt, because now he feels like a liar and a fraud.

What's interesting, too, though, is that Nile is aware Erwin's dream is a personal one, but he cuts Erwin a lot more slack than Erwin does himself, when he thinks it doesn't really matter, because it was what was best for humanity anyway. He doesn't understand why Erwin would see himself as being selfish or feel ashamed, when it works out for humanity in the end. We really see then why it was the breaking point for Erwin, when he finally had to choose between what was best for humanity and what would bring him closer to his dream. Up until that moment, Erwin had been lucky in that his dream and humanity's victory went hand in hand with one another, and it's what held him together for so long. But eventually there was a split, and again, Erwin wasn't quite able to find the strength on his own to do what he felt was right, even as he clearly, even desperately, wanted to. Erwin is happy when Nile chooses to become an MP instead of a scout. I think it was a relief to Erwin, that he wasn't able to convince Nile over to his cause, because it would only have added to Erwin's feelings of guilt, something that was already beginning to crush him, and which would eventually tear him apart. He didn't actually want Nile, or probably anyone, to join the SC with him, but he couldn't bring himself to tell them not to, because his personal dream had too strong a hold on him. Much like it was a relief to Erwin when Levi told him to give up on his dream and die for them. Erwin wanted to do right by others, but he always needed someone else to make the choices that would allow him to. He needs Nile to walk away from the SC on his own. He needs Levi to order him to lead the suicide charge against Zeke.

I think this also contrasts with what Levi tells the daughter of a wealthy merchant in another of these short stories, in a way that perfectly demonstrates the difference between Levi and Erwin, and what ultimately made Levi a superior man to Erwin. I wrote a little summary of the story in question here: https://www.tumblr.com/cosmicjoke/680043200109543424/i-just-read-vol-15-of-the-short-stories-aot?source=share But basically, this girl tells Levi she wants to join the SC, and Levi asks her what the thing is she values most, and when she says her parents, he tells her that joining the SC might mean she never gets to see them again, which ends up changing the girls mind. She decides instead to become a wealthy merchant like her father and support the SC that way. Levi was there to gain funding for the SC, and he has a susceptible girl who he could have easily persuaded to join their ranks and, thus, further their cause. But instead, he tells her the plain truth and asks her to consider what she, personally, cares about, and lets her decide for herself based on that. This is something Erwin wouldn't have been able to do. Erwin's own selfishness and personal dream prevented him from being able to be so honest, either with himself or others. He would have sold that girl on the SC as something worthy of her life, even as he felt, deep down, maybe that wasn't so. Unlike Erwin, Levi was never selfish enough or so controlled by anything, that it would drive him to do something he believed to be wrong. He always had the strength to follow his own heart.

It's part of what makes it so interesting, and so ironic, that Levi saw Erwin as superior to himself for so long, when in truth, it was always the opposite.

[quinnyundertow]

QUINNY HELLO!! Its me aleks @yuutito

I have been following both the time travel fic (when I catch you gege) and the asylum one since day one! But I’ve been really shy to make new moots so I haven’t made the effort to come and say hi >.<

But I want to pick your brain about the time travel fic hehe so here I am !!

- since JJK has ended, has your plans for the story changed at all? Like have any plot lines or your planned story been altered by the ending gege gave us?

- since we haven’t met yuuji or megumi or Nobara yet, I’m wondering.. will our MC stop Yuuji from eating the finger? You don’t have to answer but I’m so curious if you will loosely follow JJK storyline or if you will make sweeping changes… vague/nonspoiler answer is ok ^^

- I really like what you did with suguru’s character. I was actually shocked when we met him in the ryokan and he was like “why would I take Rika from Yuta?” I was like OH like we are ACTUALLY making a difference I was so happy 😭 but now I’m here wondering what will kenjaku do if the night parade never happens… I wonder if he’s still in kaoru’s body.. aaaa I have so many questions I’m so very excited you see..

- loosely speaking, I know it’s a reverse harem so MC will have lots of romantic interests, but does MC have romantic feelings for one person or all of them? Or is it more that she’s being swept away in the moment by all these guys? I want to root for an endgame couple (not naming any names, definitely not biased 😌) but I’m also having lots of fun watching MC romance them all!!

- I also really like what you did with Junpei. The eren jaeger hair is a LOOK I’m living for it truly… he looks so handsome in my mind…

Sorry if you’ve answered any of these before but I reread your whole fic last night and my mind is buzzing..

🥰 Ahhhh don’t feel shy about saying Hi I’m just a humble trash gremlin. I’m so glad you’ve continued to like the fics from so early on. 🥺 Thank you for the kind words and support!

These are some interesting questions! Let me see if I can give answers to them 🤭 Potential manga/anime spoilers below. I definitely got carried away responding.These are simply my opinions from watching/reading interviews and the source material.

- since JJK has ended, has your plans for the story changed at all? Like have any plot lines or your planned story been altered by the ending gege gave us?

For a little while I was pretty concerned about how the ending would affect the fic but to be honest almost all the tragedy we are focused around stopping is in the anime (Junpei, Haibara, Nanami, Suguru, Toji, Yuji’s Trauma, Childhood trauma for Gumi, Mechamaru, Tsumiki etc etc.). So no changes to the story line based off of the manga ending. That actually goes for all my fics. Phew.😅

- since we haven’t met yuuji or megumi or Nobara yet, I’m wondering.. will our MC stop Yuuji from eating the finger? You don’t have to answer but I’m so curious if you will loosely follow JJK storyline or if you will make sweeping changes… vague/nonspoiler answer is ok ^^

There will be sweeping changes while loosely following the storyline. 😅 MC will be doing her damndest to avoid Yuji chowing on the finger. That’s all I’ll say on that.

- I really like what you did with suguru’s character. I was actually shocked when we met him in the ryokan and he was like “why would I take Rika from Yuta?” I was like OH like we are ACTUALLY making a difference I was so happy 😭 but now I’m here wondering what will kenjaku do if the night parade never happens… I wonder if he’s still in kaoru’s body.. aaaa I have so many questions I’m so very excited you see..

I feel like I need to explain how I see Suguru’s character to respond to this. Suguru is such a fascinating character. Even if you think early intervention could have stopped his whole “Monkey” era. He has to have something innately inside him that is broken for him to be able to flip that hard (Nurture vs Nature argument). Yes he goes through extreme trauma but lots of people go through extreme trauma and don’t become racially charged serial killers.

In the show he goes from (arguably) Lawful Good to Chaotic Evil. In WICYG I want to explore Geto as a Chaotic Neutral.

Why didn’t Suguru even THINK of taking Rika from Yuta in WICYG? This stems from my analysis in his canon choices. Some of the decisions Geto makes in JJK 0 frankly don’t make sense if he wanted to achieve his goals of a non-sorcerer free world. Suguru is very intelligent and capable of understanding others deeply and in canon manipulating them.

I think in JJK 0 Geto was fucking exhausted by having to bare the weight of the world on his shoulders but felt totally pigeonholed into his choices and was past the point of no return. Geto knew what would goad Gojo into killing him. Targeting young children, attacking Gojo’s students, declaring a public war so Gojo couldn’t back out. Geto gave Gojo no choice but to kill him. Maybe he wasn’t fully cognizant of making that decision but I think he did. Geto could have easily killed Yuta and Stolen Rika when Toge and Yuta encounter Geto at the abandoned mall. He didn’t do it because he didn’t want to.

The WICYG Geto can’t even fathom murdering a young sorcerer with potential just to become more powerful himself. We will get more into these choices as Suguru’s story progresses!

- loosely speaking, I know it’s a reverse harem so MC will have lots of romantic interests, but does MC have romantic feelings for one person or all of them? Or is it more that she’s being swept away in the moment by all these guys? I want to root for an endgame couple (not naming any names, definitely not biased 😌) but I’m also having lots of fun watching MC romance them all!!

Reader x all is the ending. I’ve thought about it a lot. This was the first thing I needed to establish before starting the story. How to have a believable happy harem ending. Trust in me 🙏

- I also really like what you did with Junpei. The eren jaeger hair is a LOOK I’m living for it truly… he looks so handsome in my mind…

I needed him to have a hairdo with his forehead exposed because it’s a visible sign of readers success in Jupei’s story so far. He was never bullied to the point of cigarettes being put out on his face. Go reader! Also Man buns 🙌 Now I need to pay someone to draw him like that hehe I’m glad you approve.

Thank you for all the questions and kind words and sorry for the rambling. I enjoyed responding ❤️

[i-already-know-im-going-2-hell]

helloooooooo cass, happy wincest wednesday! supernatural canon is incredibly undecided on this matter, so i want to know YOUR headcanons for what language(s) sam and dean have studied! do you think they have overlap anywhere, or would they divide and conquer? 🤔 i think about this so often, so i want to know other people's opinions too :)

Ok so I'm gonna preface this by I actually don't know much about languages in general, so I had to do research to come to a lot of these conclusions, but I don't know much about languages so I guess take all this with a grain of salt and the knowledge that I should most definitely be asleep.

So I have a couple of conclusions (and just fun possibilities) about the languages both of them would probably have ended up knowing and continued learning.

Tldr version:

I think Sam starts out fluent in being able to read Latin, Dean starts out at a "conversational" level of speaking Latin, and over time Sam grows to be just as capable as Dean at speaking Latin out loud or better while Dean remains at the same level.

I think Sam took Hebrew in college because he had to take a language to fulfill his electives and he was interested in reading original Abrahamic religious transcripts.

I think Sam picked up being able to read some Germanic language, possibly German, but possibly an older Germanic that I cannot name (I don't know how to read the language root charts, I've been staring at multiple of them and I can't figure them out, I'm so sorry...).

Long most definitely sleep deprived thought dump below.

1)So they both know Latin, but at different mastery levels. My basic conclusion for this is that most of the incantations I remember seeing in the show was in Latin or Enochian (this wasn't one of the things I did research on so I'm basing that solely off my memory) meaning that Latin would be a basic language hunters would have in their toolkits. I think however, that Sam started out with a better mastery of reading Latin than in pronouncing it out loud or using it, and Dean started out with the opposite. My main basis for that is that growing up, Sam was delegated to research more, whereas Dean spent more time with John out hunting, and so I think Sam had more chances to use his knowledge of Latin by reading old manuscripts, whereas Dean rarely needed to read Latin the way Sam had to growing up, so I think he has a decent ability to pronounce and speak Latin out loud, but he has a difficult time reading it.

I've read a lot of fics where Dean is not able to even really speak any Latin with any sense of ease, and I will say I don't think this is fully accurate. Dean has a tendency to play up his rough, uneducated exterior but when presented with areas of interest, he seems to consume knowledge just as rapidly as Sam. (Ex. he mentions reading Vonnegut and when presented with Samuel Colt's journal he is just as excited as Sam is about being able to read it, enough so he doesn't let Sam read it and says "get your own")

So in this case, I think Dean would be decent at understanding how to at least pronounce correctly basic Latin, because it's an extension of hunting, specifically an extension of hunting that denotes action (speaking Latin out loud would only be used in incantation, not research) and I think whether he truly enjoyed the process of learning it itself, he'd be as devoted to knowing enough Latin to use reliably as he was with any other areas of hunting.

I do think however, Dean is not interested in being able to reliably read Latin, because I think he and Sam are both used to their delegated roles that they're played since childhood, Sam that of the family researcher, and Dean that of the main body/protector.

Sam on the other hand would most likely become just as proficient in speaking Latin out loud as Dean after Stanford and as he grew into his role of working side by side with Dean in the field, but he'd never lose his proficiency with reading Latin because he never left the research role.

2)I think Sam would have a pick of many languages when he went to Stanford to choose to take for electives (he did, I looked up all their language programs and it's an impressive list), and he could've taken something like Latin that he already had practice in, but I think this would not have been in character for Sam with the way he seems to enjoy but also place a sense of control and worth in his ability to learn new things. So Latin would've been thrown out as a possibility. The reason I think he would've found Hebrew interesting enough to consider is again Sam's interest in god and religion. In the show Sam was a religious man from childhood, who was nondenominational, while still clearly holding base beliefs from Abrahamic religions (Christianity, Judaism, and Islam), such as a belief in a singular god and in angels. On a meta level, I think this has to do with the fact that they tried specifically through the show to make it so that Supernatural while often centering on religious/theological subjects, was not a show making a religious message, and Sam being overly interested and practicing from one religion specifically would have swayed it towards that direction. That being said though, Sam does still show a clear interest in both religion and specifically Abrahamic religions. So, if Stanford required him to take language electives, and required him to take other electives that would include the possibility of religious classes, I think Sam would be intrigued not only in taking classes that discuss Abrahamic religions, but being the kind of person he is and already being used to researching and reading through old manuscripts, would think to pair Hebrew with said electives so he could read original documents himself.

3)Ok so this last one I did try to do research, but as stated above, I do not know how to read the language root charts. Feel free to infodump to me about those in a later date if that if something you like Ciel, because I wouldn't mind understanding better, but I couldn't make much heads or tails of them. What I could figure out though is that if Sam already knew Hebrew, and Latin, then he would know two languages that gave him some basic jumping ground to other branches. Latin for the romance languages and Hebrew for the Semitic languages. I think when Sam realized that this gave him a possible jumping ground for translating texts and manuscripts in similar languages, he would want to learn more base language roots. I looked up a chart of every monster Sam and Dean fought in the first five seasons to try to figure out what kind of theological system many of their monsters would come from, and most of them actually seem to be Abrahamic leaning, because they have ties to demons. When they are not tied to demons they seem to be.....all over the place honestly. I ended up writing a list of all the non Abrahamic monsters (not demons or angels) they fought season 1-5 and listing their theological origins and the language roots for those and.....dude they're all different and it wasn't helpful at all.

So I'm honestly just saying a germanic root because 1) Sam already knows English and 2) they fight one monster that has Norse theological roots.

Hopefully all of that made sense, I'm not convinced I am speaking English at this point and I really really need to go to bed, but I wanted to answer this and it turned into a rabbit hole lol

[error-dark]

Imma talk about Helluva Boss cause I love the show and I don't talk about it much on here.

I've been watching the show since the day the pilot got released. And Blitzo has always been my favorite character ever since. I always seen him almost like Deadpool in a way; funny, badass, serious, sassy, (don't remember how true this is for Deadpool but) asshole, etc. I do love Fizz, Loona, Moxxie, Millie, and all of the other characters, but Blitzo has always been in that #1 spot for me. And the fact that his is the main character in the show, that's clearly saying a lot, because I don't think I've ever had a super favorite character that actually is the main character before (usually it'd be villains and/or side character). And I think this is because I don't usually see enough struggle, or perhaps a more of a human feeling towards a main character?? (I honestly don't know how else to word this). Well, yeah, obviously I root for the main character to complete their quest, save the day, blah blah blah. But to actually connect with them on a deeper level?? That never really happened before... until Blitzo.

And no, I don't share any heavy trauma related or any traumatic past experience that Blitzo went through, so I don't relate to him on a personal level. (Just so we're clear, I actually had a healthy childhood and my life is pretty chill majority of the time). The reason why I say I can have a deep connection to Blitzo is because of how much of a complex character his is. He's not black and white, and he's not like Charlie from Hazbin Hotel (no hate to her I actually like her). Perhaps the reason could also extend to how each episode is uploaded one at a time with at least a few months gap in between. With how the episodes are uploaded, I believe it helped me to actually spend time and learn about the characters more, especially about Blitzo.

During the first season, they've kept Blitzo's past subtle, not really info dumping us viewers. Although, Season 1 does give us a few glimpse of Blitzo's inner problems, and they showed it more vividly in Truth Seekers. (I will not be going into too much details cause I don't want to make a very long post).

Season 2, however, we get to see more into Blitzo's past and his childhood. The season literally starts out with a backstory about how he and Stolas met on Stolas's birthday. (The episode's name is The Circus if you wanna rewatch, or go check it out for yourself). Also, in the very next episode, Seeing Stars, we get a flashback of when Blitzo adopted Loona, how he saw parts of himself in her and wanted to give her a better home and life right then and there! He could've chose ANY OTHER Hellhound, and yet, HE CHOSE LOONA!

Throughout Season 2, we met Barbie for a little bit, and clearly she's still hurting from the accidental fire that Blitzo caused. And in Oops, Fizz and Blitzo actually talked about the incident (while being under attacked Moxxie's insane mafia father), and Blitzo explained to him that he did cared, he was trying to look for help, but it was too late. And Blitzo wasn't even allowed to visit Fizz (guess who's fault that was). Oh, and there was this whole anti-Blitzo party that Verosika hosted thing.

And... this Halloween's episode. Ghostfuckers. We didn't just saw more of Blitzo's past or how badly his trauma and "break-up from Stolas" was haunting him. We saw HIS POINT OF VIEW. We saw his point of view of events from previous episodes, what he actually saw vs what us viewers saw. And there's a huge different, and I think the visuals speaks for themselves, honestly. (I almost cried a few times while watching it in art class. That's how emotionally attach I got to Blitzo).

This show has been going on for almost 5 years, which it's insane to think about. And the fact we've spent that much time with the characters, we were able to learn a lot about them. That couldn't be anymore truer for Blitzo. When we first saw him long ago in the Pilot (that's no longer canon to the actual lore), we didn't think much of him, at least, I didn't think much of him. At first, I just thought "oh, funny asshole demon that has a killing business" and nothing else. Now, it's "holy shit this guy needs more than therapy."

I honestly could go on longer about Blitzo in general, but this post is already getting too long and it's almost 1am for me (when I'm writing this). I knew I had a lot to share, but holy shit, I didn't expect to have THIS much to share... oops.

In short; Blitzo has that human complex type of character built into him, making him completely grayscale rather the "black and white" stuff, and how spread out the episodes are, I managed to build a deep emotional connection to him to the point where I wanna hug him. I'm probably not the first one to say it, but I'm very proud of how far he has come, even though some of his ideas weren't exactly the best ideas (I think we all know what I'm referring to). And based on Ghostfuckers, I have great hopes that he'll continue moving forward, even though it'll take him a while. But hey, progress is still progress, and the road to recovery is one helluva bumpy road :D. I'll definitely still be rooting for him, cheering him on to continue the progress, and I know that one day, he'll truly be happy in his life.

[marcholasmoth]

OSRR: 3653

today marks ten years since i started these entries.

the day i started was august 7th, 2014.

today is august 7th, 2024.

it doesn't feel like it's been all that long at all.

as i made this realization this morning, i was able to spend the day and think about how i've changed over the last ten years, about the things that have happened, about the person i've become. about what i would say to me ten years ago.

the long and short of it is this:

i grew up.

and i don't like thinking about it that way because that means my childhood is long gone, never to return. that everything from here on out is going to be hard.

so as i sit here crying, mourning that loss that i will never truly recover from, i also reflect on the personal growth i've made.

i have less tolerance for bullshit and i'm not afraid to have opinions. i found a group of people who love me for who i am and not what i can do for them. yes i am living paycheck to paycheck, but i no longer consider myself completely broke. i've gotten better at managing my time and my money. i've earned not one, not two, but three separate degrees, the highest of which was earned from a prestigious university. i have a close relationship with my sister. i've reconnected with some high school friends. i've lost so many other friends due to circumstances i was unwilling to accept any longer. i've loved and lost, but i'm happy to have loved. and even now, i have a partner who i've been with for more than half of the decade! and it's been wonderful.

i've had a dozen different jobs in different industries, i've used my knowledge to help people in a lot of places. i've made friends with people across the world and i've seen people blossom into who they're truly meant to be. and i know that everyone is a work in progress. so am i.

i'm not quite done yet. i'm almost ready to come out of the oven.

and maybe the closet, too.

in all of my thoughts today, the ones that have stood out the most have been of how i treat other people and my mental health. over the years, i've seen people from high school who i didn't really spend time around because they were in the "popular" crowd. i instantly recognized them. they were probably too busy to even try to think of where they might've known my face from. but i've learned that it's important to treat people with kindness, respect, and love, regardless of your personal history with them. that everyone deserves respect and dignity, regardless of who they are. of course, even i have my limits, but those who are out of the limits of my patience and care are usually bigots, fascists, neo-nazis, and any combination of things including any of those parts.

and my mental health - what a difference. it's night and day for how it is in my head. being properly medicated and stable and KNOWING that's it's more than "just depression" or "just anxiety" and having a therapist who understands all of it? it's a game-changer. it's great.

what i would tell myself ten years ago would be mostly about how it ends up and the process of getting there. you end up stable. you get a therapist who you love and who helps you get to the root of the trauma you don't even realize you have yet. you have people who love you more than you even know. people love you for who you are, mental illnesses, disabilities, and all. you take up crafting and d&d and playing games. you meet someone adorable and hilarious and he makes your days brighter. you lose your faith and your friends, but after all the anger and grief, you come out stronger than you ever thought you could be. and despite all of the horrors you see in the world, you're still softer than you think. you count bunnies on the way into work. you cry over your waitress, begging the universe to let her smile freely. you smile at and wave to a perfect stranger who doesn't speak your language on your way back to your car, even after a long day.

there's a lot of pain, yes.

but there is so much more beauty than you can possibly imagine.

see it. feel it. embrace it.

but most importantly, share it.

[angelsdean]

thinking abt this ask some more and well, it also all boils down to dean is not john because dean is not john.

dean is his own person with different life experiences and trauma and morals and agency. yes dean learned and internalized some things from john but dean literally IS NOT john. he's dean. and crucially he is a victim of john, who was Thee angry man in the house.

john is the first person he learned pain and shame and anger and self-hatred from. and dean has not been able to properly unpack or cope with those early experiences or any of the other traumatic events that follow. for nearly 40 years. PLUS 40 years of hell trauma. and still !! still !! dean tries to do better. he apologizes and he expresses his regret for past actions and even his worst actions are rooted in love and a need to protect. he most often acts out of fear, worry, and/or grief. as cas said, the good and the bad, everything he has done has been for love. he fears jack and is angry at jack during widowers arc because he loved cas so much and does not yet know jack is good and can be trusted. his reaction is understandable. we as the audience see and receive more information than the characters. but based on what dean himself knows at the time, dean has every right to be fearful and wary.

but anyways. back to dean and john. widower's arc IS meant to draw that parallel between them. we're supposed to see dean echoing john. we're supposed to feel john's ghost acting through dean. but we are also meant to see where they diverge. dean does not become obsessed with revenge. he does not go on a quest to get cas back (despite how much he wants him back) and abandon everyone else. he even starts to come around to jack, even before cas gets back.

then, there's john and his own complicated trauma. and i do feel some empathy and sadness for him. but his trauma is notably different from dean's, and that's why dean garners more of my empathy, compassion, and forgiveness.

john felt abandoned after his father's disappearance and then internalizes those abandonment issues and those unresolved feelings fester into anger. then john enlists illegally in the military chasing his father's ghost. in the military he experiences more trauma. but he did choose to go into the military. it's different from dean being forced to be a soldier and weapon for his father from a young age. john was 17 ? when he enlisted and did so of his own free will (as much free will as you can have being one of chuck's blorbos but still, you get what i'm saying), while dean never had a choice, and by the time he had the choice to leave he'd already been guilt tripped into staying by john and also had very few connections outside of the winchester family unit. IF dean were to leave john (after sam left) he'd be largely alone because john never let them forge connections and relationships. john purposely kept them isolated from others. finally, john loses mary which exacerbates his preexisting issues, anger, and trauma. losing mary was not the catalyst that turned john "bad" it was just an accelerator added to the fire that had been slow-burning for years.

so yes, both john and dean have abandonment issues regarding their fathers, except john's are based on a perceived abandonment that he lets become a deep anger and propel his actions re: joining the military. whereas dean is literally abandoned and neglected repeatedly and often throughout his childhood which leads to a lot of unresolved fear and anxiety regarding losing people and people leaving him. cas dying during widower's arc and losing mary at the same time too (and crowley!) definitely triggers those deep seated fears and anxieties. dean also just has trauma surrounding death bc of mary. dean, like john, also has trauma surrounding being a soldier and having to kill people. however, john chose that path (and then later chose hunting) while dean had that life thrust upon him. (the first time he's handed a gun he is six years old and his father believes he somehow has a "killer instinct").

finally, dean, like john, loses cas who is yes mary-coded during widower's arc and he is left with a child. however, unlike john, this child is also an extremely powerful being whom dean knows nothing about except the fact that he is the biological son of lucifer. he also believes jack manipulated cas and got him killed. people will parallel jack to sam in this instance but john likely had no idea sam was infected with demon blood until much later after years of research and following azazel's trail. so early on, john's neglect and mistreatment of sam and dean cannot be blamed on john being afraid of sam or something like that. john IS afraid of the world though. he's paranoid as all heck and that fuels a lot of his actions. but dean is not wrong in this case for being wary of jack. he has every right to be afraid, it's just that his fear, coupled with grief, ends up being expressed as anger. the same may be true for john in those early years, but eventually, john lets his anger and need for vengeance consume him and he prioritizes the hunt over his children. as he says in 1x22, "killing this demon comes first. before everything." dean wants cas and mary and crowley back, but he doesn't put it before everything. he doesn't turn away from sam or jack to pursue that quest. in fact, it is sam who becomes obsessed during this arc with the quest of getting mary back to the point of using jack and training him specifically for that purpose.

dean is not john because dean is dean. he doesn't see the world as black and white as john did. he still has fears and trauma that when triggered often come out as anger. but anger is not his norm, it is a trauma response. most often, he wants to do good and help people. he cares about his family and wants them to be safe and alive. his fears may inform some of his actions and decisions, but his actions are always rooted in love and care. cas saw him as a being of love. as more than what john tried to make him. more than a blunt instrument. more than a weapon for heaven and hell. more than chuck's favorite toy. dean is dean. and that's why cas loves him. and that's why *i* love him.