#i know I'm not special but it seems like there's something fundamentally wrong with me that makes everyone not want to me around me

[river-bone]

Being reassured that I won't be replaced over and over again just to be replaced the moment I get comfortable

I know I have to be the problem, but why isn't there a solution that isn't just to be someone else, because I've tried and it doesn't work

[seraph5]

Now that I've listened to Re: Dracula I feel like I've been weirdly spoiled for a lot of other Draculas. Like don't get me wrong there's a lot of Dracula's out there to like but there was something really beguiling about:

a) Mina and Lucy's quite modern musings about their place in the world, the beginnings of wonderings about what they might like or could like as people not just as what society demands

b) Mina and Lucy's relationship. I just adore that they are surprisingly different characters and interact in a very realistic interesting way that you don't see a lot in media that depicts this time period. I also love how intelligent Mina is.

c) The absolute intensity of the bond and duty our heroes find themselves drawn into when put in this horrific situation. It really surprised and struck me the way that all these people with not extremely deep connections in a lot of cases closed ranks together in a silent fight to protect not just themselves but to break the cycle of evil. They, all of them, really showed a tremendous amount of care and kindness towards each other in this insane mission. Obviously it would have been nice if the boys had been less dumb about including Mina in things but their follies in that area were clearly a result of the time they lived in and not a fundamental personal lack of respect for mina.

d) I know everyone does not see this interpretation but I like that there is a quasi-homoeric undertone to Dracula and Johnathan's whole thing. Of course Johnathan is there under duress and I'm certainly not saying that there is something consensual or reciprocal going on but Dracula being so possessive of him especially with the brides gives an interesting undertone to some of the earlier parts of the book. There is a real sort of fascination Dracula seems to have for him as a conduit for information about his next conquest and he really tries to connect with him through the guise of society.

I haven't really ever seen all these points illustrated very strongly in other retellings or if it's there it doesn't communicate that feeling that makes these missed points so special. Worse it seems like a lot of the time they make really weird choices like merging characters or swapping characters or cutting characters for brevity or excitement. Which on one hand I kind of understand but when given the space the characters all have their own interesting points and perspectives and are interesting to experience.

I'd love to see a retelling that balanced all these things a little more and cut less. Maybe even have it be a mini series rather than a movie.

[formerlycookierunauprompts]

AU Prompts #12 - ✦💓

<Reader is fem here btw>

CONTENT WARNING : There is a cult, human sacrifices, a bit of drowning and depictions of multiple eyes.

.

Admittedly, staying in a cult probably wasn't your best idea after finding out that you were living in a cult for most of your life. But alas, you were stupid. Upon the day of your village's Eclipse Festival, you were called into the Mayor's office. You'd only gone because you didn't really want them to catch onto the fact that you knew about the cult... Unfortunately it turns out that the Mayor called you in because they wanted you as sacrifice... Yippee. So, here you are in your fancy multiple layer dress of thin fabrics(or well, pastry if you wanna get into cookie terms), your body feels numb as you stand off the edge of the cliff at the rushing seas that had turned pitch black. Your mind feels less numb than your body, yet you can barely tell what's going on. You're pretty sure that the Mayor hypnotized you as well. The Beast of the Shadows... You're pretty sure that that's the thing they worship. You can only hope that it doesn't exist, and that you'd die a hopefully peaceful death of drowning. Or maybe a quick one of getting impaled on one of the rocks below. You don't know. And then, you're falling through the air. It feels for a moment like your sailing through space, you couldn't really tell up from down despite knowing what each were earlier. You felt a bit strange from your sudden spinning worldview. Time slowed as you began to think, everything you loved, dreamed, feared, and everything else that seemed so terrifying... You were leaving it behind right now. You hit the water with a loud splash, leaving a trail of bubbles in your wake as your slowly sunk down into the shadows of the sea. Well, at least you didn't get impaled on any of the rocks. In fact, all you could see around you was darkness. Darkness... darkness... Damn, that's a lot of darkness. Oh, there's something new.... Eyes? There's lots of them, big ones as well. Each one bares its gaze into your soul as you sink deeper and deeper. The first coherent though you have? ' Fuck, the beast might be real then.' You feel your back land upon something large, all the while a particularly bright pair of eyes stare at you. And then, there was just darkness.

----

You didn't expect to wake up, mind now unblurred as you can properly think again. First things first, where the hell are you? Looking around... It seemed to be some kind of palace? Everything was decorated in almost gloomy hues of blue and black, reminding you of the abyss you saw before you passed out. " Where... am I?" You mumble out, not expecting any response to come. " This is the Palace of Shadows." A voice begins, startling you as you let a shriek slip out of your mouth. You turn to see another cookie but... it looks like there's something fundamentally wrong with them. Almost like they'd been hollowed out. " The domain of the Beast of Shadows, or as he is known by here, Shadow Milk Cookie." " Okaaayyyy...." You said in confusion. " And who are you?" The cookie before you giggles, " Me? I have many different names and faces." They say almost gleefully. " But I am just an actor in Shadow Milk's plays, I have no real name or identity." Ah, that... probably explains the hollow feeling you get from them. " But you have a very very special role to play! One that will likely never change!" The cookie said enthusiastically, taking your hands and pulling you up off of the floor. " Yes, a very important role to play indeed!" You stared at them, cracking up a confused eyebrow. " Do I have to play sacrifice again? Because I'm not keen on doing that." You partially joke, and it seems like it was funny enough to send the cookie into a fit of laughter. " No, silly! You get to play the role of our Grand Director's Bride!" ... " what."

[bengiyo]

Alright, new question, I know how much you enjoy your Sad Gay Boy Hours. What shows, besides Until We Meet Again, because I know how much you love it, satisfy your Sad Gay Boy needs?

The Boys Who Suffered

The big thing about The Knowing is The Suffering. There is a melancholy that seeps into you and makes you think you aren't enough. These characters are hard to watch. I know you asked about shows, but I'm doing some movies as well because I've been thinking about genre history lately. For this it's about whether or not the quiet sadness in me connected to the quiet sadness I perceived in a character in this show.

Moonlight (2016)

He is the saddest boy in my heart. This is the moment that breaks him forever.

For The Boys

Jamal, Syed, and Anthony have suffered for being who they are, and they are hurting. They cling to each other and it's often too hard.

Weekend (2011)

This man is so lonely even if people love him. I feel melancholy for days any time I watch this film.

Big Eden (2000)

I don't know who taught him shame, but there's this sense of surrender in Henry that has haunted me for fifteen years.

A Single Man (2009)

Colin Firth and Stanley Tucci play some of the saddest gay men who have ever existed. This entire project is about grief.

180 Degree Longitude Passes Through Us

Inthawut is the saddest man in BL.

Given (2019)

The reveals about the depths of sadness in this boy are really some of the best I've experienced.

Eternal Yesterday (2022)

He was suffering even before Koichi died, and it saddens me so much that the world bent to let him say goodbye to help him grieve.

The Pornographer Series

I just knew there was something fundamentally off about Kijima and the rest of these men.

The Day I Loved You (2023)

I keep meaning to write something about this show, but there's something special about going into a relationship you know won't be forever because of external factors, and also choosing to make that time as special as possible.

Tokyo in April is...

Ren suffering for Kazuma gets me every time.

Like in the Movies (2020)

I'm never getting over Karl and Vlad. I'm sad we'll likely never see them again because in so many ways the specific pieces of melancholy in each of them are why they didn't walk away together.

To My Star 2: Our Untold Stories

These two were not left at HEA and they didn't end there this time, either. Both of these two are carrying some heavy shit in their hearts, and I find comfort in seeing them stumble and keep trying.

What Did You Eat Yesterday?

Shiro makes me so sad sometimes, and I'm so glad he found Kenji.

The Eclipse

Every boy in this show is a sad mess.

The Eighth Sense

I'm glad Jae Won found Ji Hyun, because that country twink won't give up on him.

Kabe-Koji Nekoyashiki-kun Desires to be Recognized

I recently rewatched this and feel so much about Mamoru and Issei.

Our Dating Sim

Lee Wan was wrong, but I get him.

We Best Love

"Yes, I'm in love with you, but that's none of your business."

Stuck On You

The Philippines crushed the pandemic. This is quietly one of the better ones about people who were already suffering.

Blueming

Hwang Da Seul's oeuvre always seems to hit my sad boy core.

Sing My Crush

Every time Han Baram says Im Hantae's name I lose it.

[mitz-prompts]

prompt: jack/hannibal along the axis of gender

i've always been interested in what people thought of Hannibal before they suspected him of being the ripper. like. all of his aesthetic, his sensibilities, his sort of soft-spoken elegance plus awkward geekiness under the surface

anyway what if jack fell in love with him

hear me out

not like "fell in love with him" in a cheating way, obviously jack and bella are very stable and we can pretend that jack is mature enough to tell bella about these new feelings. obviously that's a little out of character for jack but bear with me

the point is

from jack's perspective, he reached out to dr. lecter on recommendation from alana, but then... then he meets this guy who has got to be one of the funkiest little dudes jack crawford has ever met

hannibal lecter is so profoundly odd, and he's soooo unashamed to be his weird self

he's a host. he's a chef. he's fuddy duddy and wears three piece suits. he jokes with jack and seems to understand and empathize with jack fundamentally

he keeps inviting jack over for five course dinners

jack's either been treated as or treated himself as a workhorse his whole life, between the navy and then the FBI, always a civil servant. hannibal treats him like someone who deserves nice things.

mostly i'm thinking about jack feeling attracted to the fantasy of hannibal being his like. male housewife. the perfect intersection of maleness and traditional feminine gender roles - aka the perfect complement to jack's existing marriage where bella is both femaleness but also jack's equal in every aspect

also jack thinking that. like. he knows that hannibal does this same song and dance for other people too. but he can't shake the feeling that something about this, something about hannibal's treatment of jack in particular, is special, and intentional, and maybe hannibal does want something more

anyway this is just a silly ramble considering where they actually end up but. it'd be cute i think. for hannibal to be totally blindsided by jack's perception of him. and at first be sort of offended, or amused, because it's such an inaccurate perception, clouded by social biases. and it's funny that the head of the BAU could be so fundamentally wrong

but on the other hand

maybe jack introduces hannibal to other people in the office or something

guiding dr. lecter around with a hand on his arm or brushing against the small of his back

chivalrous and proper and most importantly of all, gentle

idk how often hannibal gets to have gentleness from other men

from anyone, really, but especially from other men

maybe there's a part of him that kind of likes it

[spurgie-cousin]

just jotting down thoughts on the new Sister Wives as I watch the new episode since everyone I'd usually rant to is asleep:

- I hope Robyn esp has to watch the clip of Janelle crying bc she's realized that if she wants to leave Kody, she'll literally have no financial assets or savings bc of how tied up she is financially with the family. I say Robyn bc Kody probably won't care and bc Robyn's decisions have been financially tormenting that family since she got there and I want her to realize the cost of that.

- if Robyn's house was a hoarding situation at any point, she's cleaned it up but man is it cluttered. Every inch of the wall has something, every inch of her kitchen counters have something, it's very much giving Jill Rodrigues if she had a million dollar house.

- Meri is the only one out of the entire family that has Christmas with Robyn, Kody, and their kids (edit: on actual Xmas day). Kody and Robyn say that "tone down their romantic tension" 🤢 when Meri's around bc they know it's gotta be awkward for her. Meri says in a talking head that yea, it is super awkward and she feels like the "other woman" (I get what you mean Meri but if that were the case at least you'd be getting some). She also says Kody and Robyn are "bad at hiding it".

- Kody gets all the Robyn kids mini motorbikes for Christmas and doesn't even call Savanah (Jenelle's youngest who still lives in the same area as him) on xmas eve or day, or even the week and a half leading up to it.

- Kody ignores his other kids that are in town to see their mom(s) for the holiday too of course (all of Janelle's sons). Kody explains in a talking head that bc he and his "loyal wife" want a special Christmas, he's blocking "everything else" out for the day (I audibly gasped) 🙃🙃

- Sol & Ari (Robyn's youngest kids) do talking heads for I think the first time, talking about how Kody puts gross toppings on his crepes (berries and aioli and mozzarella cheese? He explains he does that bc "it's a burrito but French" which is not only wrong but also still doesn't make those toppings make sense).

- Those talking heads are the first time I've noticed how old Ari is especially, which makes it that much weirder to me that Robyn still allegedly let's her use a pacifier. I think she's 7 or 8??

- Kody has a convo with his brother in law (who was also polygamist and got a divorce) where he says some of the *stupidest* shit I've ever heard him say...... one highlight is he mentions something about how all "strong men throughout history" have had "more than one woman" at a time whether married or not 🙄🙄

- one thing every single one of the wives have said at one point or another is that Kody is fundamentally changed in some angry way and that they "don't recognize him anymore".

- Meri says she believes she's the only one that she's 100% sure Kody regrets marrying with tears in her eyes and I'm not totally sure why she says that bc she doesn't really elaborate

- Kody goes on a long rant about divorce making him go to some dark places and think some dark thoughts and at first I'm like, yea ok break ups suck and they make you really weird for a while I'm not gonna fault you there. But then he starts to say that some of those dark thoughts have to do with running away from his entire life, including Robyn and his 2 little kids, and starting over somewhere else???? I was SHOOK

- Christine and her kids and Janelle's kids all seem so happy together 🥲 Gabe (one of Janelle's sons) says he feels abandoned by Kody and Robyn

- Mykelti, her daughter Avalon, Truely, and Ysabel go over to Robyn's house for late Christmas and stayed the night. I thought that was nice at least but Kody still didn't invite Savanah which makes me sad.

- at the end of the episode Kody says he knows he's going about some things wrong right now but he's in a bad place and he knows there will be "other Christmases" presumably where he can make up for it, to which I say NO sir you do not know that actually and you are never promised another day with any of your children‼️‼️so for the love of God get your shit together and make them feel loved

[sammygender]

Choose violence ask game. 16 and 21. ❤️

ask game

thank u sm for enabling me to be a hater

16. you can't understand why so many people like this thing

well dstiel obviously though i do understand why people like it so much. it's because they're stupid.

aside from that.. oh wait this one is so random and no hate whatsoever (in fact only love) to people who like it but i don't really like transmasc dean in a canon setting. as an au it's incredibly interesting but i see it as occupying similar space to a cis girl dean au in a way where it definitely is..... an AU. in canon like. yeah no. that's NOT a trans guy im sorry. trans guys can be annoying dont get me wrong. but you'd have to be VERY special to be annoying the way he is. also he wouldnt transition for ages cause hes dean winchester and he likes to conform to and in fact play up his expected role. so he certainly wouldve not transitioned in the canon when we see him.

i dont feel this way at all about transmasc sam however. he'd be the same pretty much. as would transfem sam who we all know i adore. anyway i'll probably change my mind in a week and get obsessed with transmasc dean and post 20 times in a row about it and you are all allowed to pelt me with rocks.

21. part of canon you think is overhyped

this was surprisingly hard. in the interest of being interesting and not just going for 'destiel' or something, i'm actually going to say kripke era. it IS my favourite era!! its objectively the best in terms of writing, atmosphere, plot, characterisation. like no contest, obviously. in fact when i recommend the show to people i tell them just to watch the first 5 seasons (while planning on baiting them into continuing after swan song by going 'but its suchhh a bad ending for sam :(( dont you want to see what happens next.....').

so i use 'overhyped' very loosely to mean that despite me recognising it as objectively superior to the rest of the show, i don't actually hugely enjoy a lot of it that much more than i enjoy later on? a lot of my favourite parts of supernatural are heavily built on in the later seasons, or even introduced then. sam & lucifer's cage dynamic and everything resulting from it. the gadreel violation and in fact most of sam's..... everything. ofc this is all present in kripke and it's explored much Better and thematically and gothically and its just more atmospheric and intentional-seeming. whereas late seasons is kind of like this hodge-podge by different writers where you get these insane and intentional gems amid a bunch of white noise. but i just.... im a late seasons kind of person!! i loved buffy s6!! i enjoy works jumping the shark and i enjoy what art becomes when it already has so much to build on. shrug emoji.

like. ok. what first made me compulsively obsessive over supernatural (after the dean daddy issues, which i HAVE to admit hooked me........this is why im the ultimate critique of deangirls, because i was one for 3 seasons <3) was sam & azazel, the metaphor & violation present in his whole demon blood storyline. obvi this is kripke era. and i have to give kripke era credit for it. but a lot of what i consider fundamental to sam & this theme of uncleanliness especially in regards to assault and violation in some way is just soo built on post kripke. his cage trauma in s7. 8x21's "i'm not clean" speech. every compounding incident that happens to sam and his body, from gadreel possession to chuck in s15................

BASICALLY this is to say not that kripke era is really overrated but that so much credit is given to it at the expense of late seasons, when the domestic horror, cycle-of-abuse-sitcom, gabriel's tv show style thing it becomes is actually such a huge part of my enjoyment of spn. and wow i never thought i would be saying this. but i watched riverdale so idk what i was expecting. sigh. but really. what other show is giving us toxic polycule made up of brothers and an Angel of God coparenting the devil's child... also the devil happens to be brother #1's (sam is brother #1) abusive ex.... and hes currently fighting the polycule for custody rights. also the kid was born last week and hes 15. like sorry this is so fundamental to my supernatural. i could never rewatch and stop at s5. i rewatch late seasons eps all the time. ALSO LATE SEASONS SAM WINCHESTER. LIKE. COME ON. EARLY SEASONS SAM IS OVERRATED COMPARED TO LATE SEASONS. <3

[sidesteppostinghours]

9 and 25 for all of them !! :)

evening gideon!! thank you for the ask :]

9. Do you have a specific lyric or quote which you associate with your OC?

ok. so. the thing about me is that i dont actually listen to music all that often??? its mostly when i draw digitally, and im primarily a traditional artist so i dont really know that many songs. i also have shitty memory so its hard for me to remember quotes. aka this is a pretty hard question for me to answer, but i will try my best:

Caine-"Oh, captain, make up your mind/Before the salt burns your eyes and you run out of time/'Cause you're popping the cork, you get lost in your brain/And you lose touch with all the things that made you feel sane" - Ship in a Bottle (fin)

honestly ive never really associated this song with him before but i looked into the lyrics just to see whether it had anything i could think of them with and theres??? actually a bunch of lyrics there that fit???? like to the point i was struggling to decide which one to use for this. but i think this one, the second chorus, really encapsulates the biggest parts of their character. hes the decision maker out of all my steps, the one that knows how to make the logical choices and think his way out of a problem. but hes on a time limit. he doesn't know when it will end, just that it will at some point, and they cant stop if they want everything done in time. also sight and eyes is something i associate caine with a lot, especially closing your eyes/refusing to see. "you get lost in your brain/and you lose touch with all the things that made you feel sane." COUGHS. coughs. caine has the most gates open out of all my steps. i also fully intend to make them the source of hb 2.0. yeah.

Cyrus- HE WAS THE ONLY ONE I THOUGHT OF AN ANSWER FOR STRAIGHT AWAY AND I SPRINTED TO HIS TAG JUST TO FIND THE POST

look him in the eyes and say this to his face. he will look like he got hit by a freight train.

Cecilia- another quote!

im just gonna go ahead and put my own tags to this one because thats where i put it best:

#thinking about this again with ceci#the best part is the bullet hole#like yeah shes not ready to face the fact that everything shes been doing up till now#was just to distract herself from the absolute misery life became after heartbreak#she has FRIENDS she has people she CARES about and they even seem to like her back!!!!#she even has a girlfriend!#isnt that enough?#tell her thats enough#cecilia rider

theres a reason shes a thrill seeker yall.

Cynthia- "I swear, I'm so fucking sorry/I'm not a good person, I'm barely a person at all/But someday I'll be perfect, and I'll make up for it all" - Against the Kitchen Floor (Will Wood)

uh. *looks at cynthias relationship with ortega* uhhhh. *looks at cynthias relationship with sidestep*. uhhhhhhhh.

this song was also difficult to choose lyrics out of, but there is just something so special about girls who simply have to be the best they can to make up for the sin of being. there is something equally as special about girls who take their past selves as judge, and their lover as executioner. also "im not a good person, im barely a person at all" kills me. the regene flavouring on that line??? utterly insane of mr wood to make a song just for her.

25. What is your favorite thing about your OC?

THESE BITCHES ARE SO CONTRADICTORY!!! THERE IS ALWAYS SOMETHING CLASHING ABOUT THESE FUCKERS AND ITS DELICIOUS. not even just trait wise, but with their themes? their core ideals? their relationships???? its always some sort of fucking fundamental difference shaping the way they act and i am Obsessed with it. also all of them are dangerous and it makes me vibrate a little bit. rangers you are so lucky that none of them are interested in leaning into being a full blown villain. but this question is,,, also difficult to answer because idk how to pick just one favourite lmfao. i will attempt it though.

Caine- he is the normalest guy around. there is also something Deeply Wrong with him. my favourite thing about caine would probably be how fun it is to dive into his psyche! ill often have times where i get bored of them and wonder why i got so interested in the first place, and then i get hit with another round of it and i remember "oh right! its because hes insane." his whole character revolves around what is going on inside their brain, from their high subterfuge to their connection with heartbreak and his relationship with the puppet. theyre the most fun to play with in their mind.

Cyrus- god. my favourite thing about him is a tie between his stubbornness and his surprisingly strong sense of empathy. both of those were the things keeping him from becoming a villain in the first place, and now its whats stopping him from going back to being a hero. i want him to confront what hes become so bad yall dont understand-

Cecilia- cecilia is just. a breath of fresh air. shes easy and super fun to play, and while she certainly has her moments (i am looking directly at the checkpoint three mortum reveal scene), shes mostly lighthearted fun cruising through the game as nothing more than a silly guy. i think the next game will actually dig into her character more deeply and allow me to showcase the parts of her shed usually keep hidden, but for now im having a good time getting her to kiss argent and embarrass her friends.

Cynthia- somebody come pick her up please before she starts crying in this club. she is crying because of me but lets not talk about that. i think my favourite thing about her is the contrast between her general wimpy sad lovergirl disposition and her revenge scar, and how she chooses to cope with it! because like,,,, it is just so so tasty watching her fumble with the overwhelming emotion, Especially since the emotion is hurting people. she never learned what to do with the anger! she does not want it! she wants to be as kind to other people as possible! "im not a bad dog, i dont know why i bite" etc etc. eventually she might figure it out, but Definitely Not Now lmfao.

questions from here!

[swifterthancivility]

You're Losing Me is soooo devastating in the context of Midnights as an album and I don't know if everyone is seeing what I'm seeing. It honestly shook me to my core.

Here's my analysis of the album as it is. We start with Lavender Haze which is this dreamy romantic song but you see some problems "you don't ever say too much" and the bridge "get it off your chest, get it off my desk" going unaddressed. The speaker is so lost in the love that she's letting their potential problems go unaddressed.

Then Maroon is reminiscing about a former love that ended. The speaker remembers the good and the bad but also the fundamental problems "carnations you had thought were roses, that's us" so a relationship they thought was real and special but was actually cheap and easy to get.

Then we get to Anti-hero where the speaker is blaming themselves for the problems they have in their life. Perhaps unwilling to step out of the Lavender Haze and look at their current relationship critically and blaming themselves for the maroon relationship ending.

Snow on the beach is another moment of the speaker reminiscing perhaps or maybe just a sweet moment in the relationship that reaffirms how the speaker feels. That moment of realizing you are in love and marvelling at it can still happen when other things have gone wrong.

You're on your own kid has the speaker remembering everything she has struggled with and regaining some self-worth after the insecurity of Anti-hero. It's a little resigned a little sad but ultimately accepting that though she hurt people, she has also built something "cause there were pages turned with bridges burned everything you lose is a step you take." Actually indicates a start to accepting that the speaker might lose her relationship. It's echoed in "yeah you can face this, you're on you're own kid, you always have been." This Really speaks to the kind of grim acceptance that the speaker is about to lose something very important to her.

We get to midnight rain and it seems like the speaker is ready to end the relationship. She seems to accept solitude as a price for their career. She attributes her inability to connect to the reason things are ending. I think this could also be interpreted as the speaker again reminiscing about and ended relationship and this time putting the blame totally on herself.

We get to question and the speaker is again reviewing a past relationship that went wrong. This time, however she doesn't have any answers. She reviews all the good things, but also this disconnection, this inability to listen or communicate. The speaker and the former partner have moved on but she's still wondering about it. I also see this being interpreted as the speaker questioning someone who just ended a relationship and trying to figure out if she should end her own.

Vigilante Shit maybe encourages that interpretation because it centers a relationship the speaker helped end. She's thinking about the ways in which she has power.

When we get bejeweled the speaker is taking joy in the idea of ending the relationship. She's ready to enjoy the attention and independence of being single. "I'll miss you, but I miss sparkling" kind of connects to the idea that she gave things up to be in the relationship that she could return to if she left. She begins to connect to what she wants outside of her partner.

Labyrinth is where things finally shift. She is ready to leave. But somehow, she falls in love again. She'd convinced herself that the relationship was over but then finds something to come back to. However, she is still attributing the problems only to herself. This song isn't about a couple working through things, it's about the speaker's feelings shifting.

When she gets to Karma she is ready to face the world and this time she's taking joy in her relationship. She's looking at the people who wronged her and celebrating her relationship as the reward for her goodness and kindness.

Sweet Nothing is another celebration of the relationship, especially the small moments that makes her love her partner. Again, the issues have not been addressed but she realizes (maybe in contrast to others) that her partner genuinely cares for her and that the connection they have is real.

Finally we get to mastermind where the speaker admits to what she considers a huge flaw. She wonders if this will ruin her partner's image of her but instead is accepted completely. After attributing all the relationship's problems to her personal flaws she is able to be accepted and loved for those flaws.

The 3AM tracks fit into this framework as well, but not in the linear way the album does. The great war, for example would fit in somewhere around Bejeweled and Labyrinth but I think musically would be such a shift that she probably didn't want to place it there. Bigger than the whole sky and Would've Could've Should've are not necessarily about the relationship but give insight into why the speaker struggles so much with her mental health. Paris fits in with Snow on the Beach, focusing on the good times in the speaker's relationship and what went right. High infidelity is another moment of reminiscing on an ended relationship and what went wrong. Glitch I think fits around mastermind. She's questioning the happiest she has in the relationship, wondering if she really had any control at all. Dear Reader I think fits around Anti-hero or you're on your own kid. It's about mistakes and the lessons She's tried to learn but ultimately concludes that she's learned very little and her "advice" cannot help her. The other track associated with the album: hits different fits again with snow on the beach. It's reminiscing about the beginning of the relationship which was tumultuous and maybe a bit messy.

Finally, back to "you're losing me." This song completely changes the album for me because it's the only song that doesn't blame the speaker for the relationship problems. It's a candid look at the state of things, and it puts a lot of blame on the speaker's partner for not taking accountability for their inaction. Finally, the issues are addressed, and they're not only too significant to face. They aren't all things the speaker can fix herself. Without this song, the album is about a healthy relationship with a partner whose mental health and personal insecurity makes her consider leaving. With this song, it is about someone struggling in an unhealthy relationship where the speaker blames herself for everything that's going wrong. It's so devastating because it takes even the nice moments and makes you wonder what is real.

[katyspersonal]

warning for: "bad wording", "unasked opinion", "another coward hiding behind anon mask"

I think you should stop looking for an ideology/side to pick and consider trying to pick your own side, attempt learning to become your own person instead—give up on fitting into any cult anything? Honestly, why don't you try to build your own thing? You seem capable of building so much of theories, finding so much of little details not many could ever notice—why not use this skill to help yourself? I get it. Many humans do not like making efforts. I'm one of them. Sometimes becoming your own person = doing a lot of efforts, but it is not a hard work it is just making efforts, day by day, baby steps, it is possible, it is valid—even if right now it might seem as "not very likely" or "hopeless" or "meaningless" in your personal case. I do not judge you. I'm trying to tell you that creating your own identity, a personality is possible. Speaking from a lil anon experience, so far I haven't found any other solution except trying to learn how to rebuild yourself into yourself from a scratch and "broken remains". You can't get rid of every single shitty influence but you can take control of it, its traces and make something of your own. You can do anything, if you want...but you don't want it, do you? I do not know you (and you don't know me), all I got is an opinion to make out of your post, I bet it's mostly wrong, I should have stayed silent, heh. I think you'll be less miserable if you stop running away from yourself by seeking yourself in people, groups and fandoms. And I do not mean it in way like "quit social media they are evil they are brainwashing you into becoming something you are not", if anything I do not believe in "good" and "evil" nor in "black and white", because this life has much more of colors and hues in the store to offer. "Balancing it out" is what I was trying to tell. Please try to help yourself. I think you deserve to live and have good things in your life. My opinion matters very little because I'm just another coward, but I mean it.

Hey, this is actually a very good message. It took me some time to get to it because currently I genuinely am better off sinking in my special interest and drawing than tackle anything personal. But this is a good advice, especially for someone who had to judge my character off very limited information. (or maybe I am oversharing way more than I think I do...?)

The thing is... I DO have beliefs and ideals! It is aggressively affirming them where I fail at. Like you pointed out, I can see a lot of things no one else does and that's how I get into every character's head. But it is similar with people. Very often I will see where person is coming from, what events and information and trends made them come to this conclusion, what is their motivation, and like... You see, this is normally a deal-breaker for me. Just because I can understand why person thinks this way, see the logic and often even a valid fundament, this person passes for me - especially if I can not properly object them with logic and knowledge. I am not the type to have no logical counter-arguements and still pull the 'L + you are wrong + you are a bitch + bye' thing, because coming from emotions is not for me. For this same reason I often get trapped in abusive relationship - because when person is convincing and I have no counter-arguements for why I should not be treated this way besides crying and insulting... well, I can be convinced of deserving anything. Just ask my EX boyfriend hahaha (he healed and changed, don't worry).

This is the loop of autism. Not just any autism, but like, very pure form of it. The one that consistently pisses the allistics off enough to call us "robots" or "psychopaths". We do not 'just' understand things and not 'just' believe in things - we only do or think something if there is a reason. But at the same time, we won't "just know" a lot of things others do. There are only two things you can do - either 1) assume some unbreakable "rules" how society and people function and what is right and wrong end up being a rigid prick that judges everyone through the same lence and could never see things working unlike these "rules" or 2) say fuck it and use your own brain to navigate in the world, but you will constantly get lost. I think the latter is the lesser evil, because the former not only makes it more likely to get used as ideological soldier, but also will fuck over people that act and speak coming from different reasoning.

And you are right. I SHOULD make my own rules - not listen to some arrogant assholes claiming to be for peace and equality but We Know, and not listen to some conservatives who just can't accept that every generation will be different; but also not wander so aimlessly. I have a friend who is very similarly fucked up to me: hard autism, borderline personality disorder, burdening level of insightful, all that. And even he is self-sufficient enough to say 'Yes I see where you are coming from in your beliefs, but fuck you, that's a way of an idiot'. Another friend who has the exact same type of autist thinking as me ended up doing just what I mentioned - they set up the rules of what he believes in and refuses to budge on them no matter the stakes, even if they tend to hurt people because not even appealing to their compassion could make them budge. Like!!! you have to be literally dying for them to go easier, but even then they'll pick their principles back up and return to the discussion when you recovered.

Granted, recently I've been becoming more solid. Like recently I've blocked someone because they were using slurs in an arguement, and even before that I blocked someone I never even talked with because they were a tad too nationalist against Russians (all of them). It is just... not really like me? I tend to not mind free speech, but for some reason I've started to get more angry at such things? It is also the uh... Barb1e movie. Yeah don't laugh, trust me plenty of people ended up in existential crisis because of it. But it was something that followed when someone whose reasoning I was able to understand prior pulled the 'This movie hates men' when the movie gave men positive message that men should aspire to be self-sufficient and be themselves instead of stressing to fit into social expectations. This sort of (mis)interpretation just felt way too similar to """logic""" a certain asshole had calling me lesbophobic when I said to stop locking lesbians in stereotypes (I know you're lurking here, lil shit). It feels very obvious that anyone can be an idiot and it is not just privilege of the "woke SJWs" side but just a flaw of any human that makes their politics their personality, but sometimes it takes a certain event to make you truly SEE something, you know?

And in the end, by learning to assert my beliefs, by learning to be consistent and not just 'have' them, I will be playing this game too, no? ...somewhat. Currently I am more like Rom - I see everything but this is the reason I can't do shit. I want to be more like Djura, who knows what he thinks and will protect it, and you have to actually agree to his terms to not get shot by him! Both of these characters are 'open' and will work with people's autonomy: Rom by her barrier being penetrable if you have enough Insight, so you CAN learn horrors of the universe but only if you are looking for them so people that don't want that shit are spared, and Djura by not denying the hunt altogether but insisting that beasts that can't harm people are spared, as he tells us to go and be useful where we will be. But Djura has something Rom no longer does - personality! For me 'seeing where they come from' is a pass to forgive... literally everything? It can be a great power that will let me find what others can't and make friends no one else could, but it can also be a dangerous mindset that will trap me in abusive relationship or make me cause damage. The one thing Rom is not showing even to 99 Insight people is how there is a madman slowly destroying humanity with his ritual, isn't it so? Haha, yeah, you pointed out that I am very well-versed in analyzing fiction, but this shit legit helps me to navigate. I've been solving many conflicts and questions via "omg they're just like those characters for real". Autists interact with the world vicariously through fiction! My close friends also developed a habit of helping me by comparing the situation with something that happened in our Bloodb0rne headcanons. I am dead serious. x)

In the end, I am incapable of being ideological soldier, nor I can obey the rules based on "I am [demographic] and you are not so do what I say or you are a danger for our whole kind" (left) or "I am older/more educated and you don't know shit in life and if you don't agree with me you are just another woke zombie" (right). Of course I can't have a 'covenant' - I am an individualist! An individualist that can't assert their individuality, apparently. But there is a difference between wandering aimlessly or walking your own way..

______________________

Again, thank you for this ask.. You really should not be so hard on yourself - anons are only bad and cowardly if it is a prick being mean. Otherwise they're fine! And it was important for me to think about, too... I was not even really THINKING about how I have friends with similar thinking as me but they adapted and can be consistent and assertive. They can disagree very harshly, to the point of creating awkwardness between us until I either change my mind or admit that I have nothing to argue, and that's not emotional manipulation, but standing up.

[mejomonster]

Chapter 131. I love Luo Wenzhou silently like: I mean... is Fei Du STILL lying, you reckon? He was raised by Fei Chengyu and thought it was the Right way to be... is it possible he's still lying and playing me? I'm not even mad if so, just sad he was raised so fucked up and I wasn't there and didn't know once I Was there. And I just loved him so much I did my best to connect but. Could I even really have connected to a boy like that? With such a different fundamental view on right and wrong from childhood? Was Fei Du crying, recently? Fei Du is so open with me now, I hope he's telling me enough, tells me enough when he's ready. Is there anything else critical he hasn't said yet? My Fei Du...

Fei Du, aloud: ... anyway the CASE so

Luo Wenzhou mentally: <3 ;-; my fei du

To an ordinary person, assassination is a serious crime that there’s no coming back from. They absolutely won’t make that kind of choice unless they have no way out. But to Wei Wenchuan, it’s an advanced strategy reserved for adults only, his father’s prerogative. Adolescents have an intense desire and curiosity towards the adult world. He’d do it if you only gave him two things—the puffed up feeling of being grown up, and the ability to obtain the ‘tool.’” Fei Du’s fingertip drew a line over Wei Wenchuan’s photograph. “Single-handedly establishing the order at school gave him that puffed up feeling, and having him conveniently run into Lu Guosheng gave him the tool. He was like a child holding kindling. Sooner or later, he wouldn’t be able to hold himself back.”

 

Luo Wenzhou paused and couldn’t resist letting his mind wander a little. He thought that what Fei Du said made sense, and that was why it made him feel something was off.—At the age when a small child was like a blank piece of paper, he didn’t know the difference between good and evil and would imitate his parents. His views towards some things would already be taking rudimentary form while he was learning to talk; it would be very difficult for later education to change them. So there was nothing remarkable about Wei Wenchuan growing up like this.

 

But thinking about it carefully, Fei Du had grown up in almost exactly the same environment as Wei Wenchuan. What had made him resist Fei Chengyu so fiercely?

 

It was hard for Luo Wenzhou to imagine that it was merely because of his mother.

 

The reason that the majority of people thought of “mama” as a warm and sacred form of address was that when they’d learned to pronounce it, they’d linked it to the parent who raised and taught them; because they were filled with affection towards this person, they invested this word with a special meaning. But from the few words that Fei Du had let slip, it seemed that his earliest acquaintance with the word “mama” had been attached to a hysterical madwoman, punished every day for doing the wrong thing, mentally unwell, her position not even as high as a housekeeper’s.

 

Would the sort of woman who left that impression really have been able to use her life to overturn the brand left by Fei Chengyu?

 

Luo Wenzhou couldn’t help remembering the day they’d been investigating Lu Guosheng’s whereabouts, when Fei Du had made that strange and accurate inference about the employee bus. He hadn’t had time to think carefully about it then, but now his misgivings floated up again.

 

He must have been staring at Fei Du too long. Fei Du gave him a slightly dubious look, and Luo Wenzhou suddenly discovered that the redness floating at the corners of his eyes still hadn’t receded fully. His rigorously calculating line of thought staggered in its steps, nearly slipping into the abyss flowing below. He hastily withdrew his gaze, coughed dryly, and sat up properly.

[hungerkunstler070707]

i feel like I am slowly dying. nobody cares about how I feel and no one believes me when I say I am suffering. I don't have any close friends to speak to, my parents are unsupportive and my psychologist is not helping in the slightest. I try to make do with what I have: I always go to classes, try to study, attend social events and all I feel is an endless void forming inside me that gets deeper and deeper the longer I continue living. I am not having fun. I am doing the essential tasks to seem functioning. I've never been sick enough to stop doing them. I don't know if it's just the way I was raised, I remember my mother forcing me to dress while I was crying, making me study when I couldn't even read because of the tears in my eyes. I always thought that by just going through the motions of a normal life I'd be able to achieve it. I can't. There is something so fundamentally wrong with me, it's in the foundation of my being and to dig it out I'd need to remove everything I've built on it. I've never been sick enough for someone to notice what I am going through. I see my friend flaunting his cuts and burns everywhere he goes with his short sleeved shirts and short pants and then I look at myself with my arms completely covered in cuts, itching because the jumper I'm wearing pulls at them. I see my friends rejecting food in public and then I think back on how I starved myself for days before going out to just give everyone else a glimpse of normal life. I don't want them to worry about me and at the same time I crave their attention like a dog that of its owner. I feel like I could keep my act together for the rest of my life, balancing myself on the ledge between normalcy and complete insanity, having to perform for the rest of my existence. A non stop show of gut wrenching incommunicability for everyone to just glance at without second thought, because this is how it's supposed to be done. I need to be presentable, agreeable. I can't show any weakness to others. I am not allowed any of this. I never get close to killing myself either. I starve and starve and I continue to weigh the same, the wait feels endless and while this goes on life is passing me by. I see the people I know go out and experience the world and I can't do any of that. I am stuck at home because I finished my energy for the day, because I can't be around food or I'll eat it, because I need to study and I need to spend all the energy left on it. I want out. I want out but I am too cowardly to kill myself, too unworthy of help to go to a clinic. I tried to jump off a window a few times. I always choose this method because when I am on the ledge I can see my bones popping out of my skin on impact, I can see the faces of the people that will find me, unceremoniously splattered on the gray pavement or on the green, neatly cut grass, I can feel their horror and pain. That makes me get off the ledge, I don't want to cause more harm to this world. I don't want people to see me as a burden and at the same time, how carefully everyone threads when you are weak, how they speak to you more softly, how they care for you more because you are hurt and they can see it. They feel you are doing everything right, your open declaration of hate for yourself and for your body is immortalized in your own form and they can see it and they feel like you are owed an apology, special care. They want to make up for your pain and they are ready to do anything for you because you suffered so much. But I can't be like that. I am too fat, no one gets to know me enough to see how much I am suffering. I don't let anyone get close. I keep everyone and everything at a distance because I don't want them to feel sorry, I want them to think that I am ok, that even if I am going through a hard time(which I will downplay: "you know it's not too bad I am already working it out by myself I swear") they will think I can handle it without a hitch. GOD YES I AM HERE TO TELL YOU THAT I CAN'T. I've lied to everyone around me.

goodbye, I hope I can cut deep enough this time, deep enough to see yellow before I see red. I know I'll not be able to do it but it's ok, I have tomorrow to try again.

[dianaritteroflows]

12/06/2023 - 8:21 PM

It really fucks with my mind knowing I'm not loved by my parents. I grew up in their adoration and somewhere along the way it just stopped. I think I can pinpoint it the one summer before fifth grade where I just felt all the sudden, their love was something I questioned.

I was a stupid kid, they transferred me to a private school that required testing to get into it. The school deemed that I needed to be held back a grade. However, my parents were determined to not let this happen so they put me through an intense month of tutoring in math and english so that I could retake the entry exam.

I think knowing from a school that I was not something special did a number on them. After that summer, they seemed to just dislike me. I did pass the exam retake and I continued with my academic journey in the fifth grade. But from there on, there just seemed something distasteful about me to them.

Maybe it was because I wasn't cute anymore. In the fifth grade, I stopped being blonde. My hair became a dark brown that didn't suit my skin tone well like being blonde did.

They just didn't seem happy for me no matter what I did. Everything about me seemed to make them resentful.

I remember I used to cry a lot and I would often go to my mom for comfort. One day she told me that she just didn't want to see me sad anymore. And she meant it literally, she asked me if I wanted to be sad to just do it in my room so it would stop bothering her.

Of course, if I recount this to her, she would just deny she ever said this to me.

I stopped crying in front anyone after that point. My tears and I were for my own private viewing.

My dad hated me. And he blamed me for why he hated me. It was my fault that he hated an 11 year old.

I think being a stressed out child is what my period come early. I had mine come when I was just in the 5th grade.

I can go on and on about my sad, sad upbringing, but it's pathetic really.

All I really want to write is this: how can someone watch me grow up and be with me my entire life just hate me? How can I even love myself if the people who have been with me my entire life and watched me grow up hate me? What does their lack of love say about me? There's something fundamentally wrong with me that cannot be loved or cherished. How can I expect to have someone else love me when I can't even have the few people who are supposed to love me not even like me? What is so wrong with me that I cannot be deserving of love?

Sometimes I cry about it. I'm a huge cry baby. But why can't I be deserving of love? Why? WHY? WHY? WHY?

WHY?

[rabbitindisguise]

Whenever I see someone talking in defense of using functioning labels or support labels it's just like, I can picture in my mind the kind of kid in special ed who this reminds me of. The kids who complained that we were being disrespectful when we trashed talk the abusive teachers aids or got mad about ableism from other students. I don't think people realize that not all special education experiences were created equal, and that someone who went through the suffering of special ed might not actually believe that it was a bad thing and think that more people should be forced into special ed ("because I turned out okay" <- is a huge jerk to other autistics)

I don't know what to do about it now that I'm like, "being mean to people is wrong." (Traditional reaction: heckling (me) and cold shoulders (everyone else).) Ideally I'd like to get through to people that being in cahoots with their therapist or whoever isn't actually going to help them make friends with other autistics, and tattling on people fighting against oppressive systems isn't going to win them free snacks, but I fundamentally don't understand this point of view and I don't know if I ever will. It's as foreign as someone believing that "everything happens for a reason" or that "justice always prevails (so people suffering deserve it)." I'm much more of a "if something is broken, fix it (people suffering counts as something broken)" and "authority figures blocking people from help are kind of inherently uncool and morally questionable especially when people's lives are at stake" kind of guy, I dunno. I have a strong sense of justice, that's not the problem, I just don't trust or believe in authority and a lot of autistics have been talking about how Important and Reasonable these things are (which I find almost inherently incorrect, since I think UBI and home aids should be available for free to whoever needs it forever).

Because fundamentally support labels are observations of what authority figures are willing to give you based on if they think you deserve it and depending on how closely you match their imaginary picture of "need." It's like how I "didn't need" paratransit until I got awarded it, and then "stop needing it" when I just never got around to applying again but my need has stayed consistent. Autism to me is fundamentally about what makes you feel comfortable, and if autism helps then you're autistic. Autism isn't a label to be foisted onto someone without their consent, and it's not one to take away just because they "seem" "normal." The autistic community I've observed on Tumblr (especially in the early years where I developed an understanding of myself as nd before I figured out I'm autistic) is so valuable because it's not what doctors think about us (other than complaining lmao) it's about how the community is a positive force in our lives because it makes us feel accepted for who we are, and frames autism as a good thing

How do I explain that to a guy who thinks a therapist saying we're wrong and autism is bad is objectively more correct?? I have no idea where to even begin. The biggest issue this stuff causes is how Going To Special Ed is being seen as a sort of "listen to marginalized voices and don't contradict anything they say or use critical thinking at all" type of trump card. People will say things that are wildly incongruous to social justice but it's folded into the discourse because people think that everyone comes out of there thinking that allism is wrong. Some of the most allist people I've known have been autistics. Getting diagnosed young, and years and years of special education, is super traumatic. I was lucky that I had people who cared and who taught me I was a person deserving of respect. It's not like how some women grow up to be feminists like "this shit SUCKS I deserve better" it's more like the kind of facism tokens experience where it's like "this sucking is important because I don't deserve better."

I'd caution people against shilling for functioning labels or support labels but I know that's goong to be hard with the self appointed DSM hall monitors. That's between you and your fight against the system, imo. If you can eat at the places we're going to, if you need a moment to go be nonverbal in a closet, if you need to go have a meltdown in peace, or need a communication board, or need to not be hugged, those are important. "High functioning/low functioning" and "low support/high support" is nonsensical in a space where general autistic concepts are integrated into how we run things because it smooths over a lot of problems. Social spaces where stimming openly was accepted, wearing headphones in public to block out noise, or other things that are more visibly autistic but make people's ability to avoid meltdowns soooo much easier can radically change how easily a neurotypical allistic can clock your autism. We just don't need support labels when someone who had meltdowns everyday suddenly has less because they can fidget openly, only eat their same foods, and don't get expected to hug people or talk about things that aren't their special interest, and the meltdowns are redirected and safer from autism accepting coping mechanisms- that's just what healing looks like.

[comicaurora]

Not Aurora-related, but I really like your answer in the recent OSPod about just clicking w/ the ace label but not having that same certainty about romantic orientations, because I think I'm that but in reverse-- it's only important to me that I'm aromantic.

So, thank you for putting it into words ^^ Have a nice Pride Month!

Ultimately we all gotta remember that labels are tools, not obligations. If a label helps you understand your wants and needs better, fuck yeah! If the label instead feels like a prison denying you growth and possibility, it's not helpful and you can drop it!

I think our growing awareness of the diversity of human sexuality and gender identity has sort of resulted in a feeling of "everyone has a special box they fit in with a flag and a community and a predictable suite of wants and needs". The problem is, almost nobody understands themselves down to the minutest perfect detail with no possibility of error, growth or change. What is an orientation, if not a broad-strokes categorization of "what kind of relationship would make this person most happy"? How bizarre is it to try and lock down a concept THAT complicated on the first try??

There's a joy in recognition of "oh, this is ME, I didn't know it was an option but there I am." In my experience it's a sense of sudden freedom - specifically the freedom to simply exist as one naturally and comfortably exists. But trying on labels that DON'T invoke that feeling can sometimes result in the exact opposite sensation; rather than giving oneself freedom, it feels like it's cutting off possibility. For instance, "am I gay? Then I guess I can never find men attractive, that's a shame…" is an indicator that this label may not be helpful to apply. Accuracy is not really the concern, but the "everyone has a box" mindset makes it SEEM like the concern. It's not about being comfortable or fulfilled, but about being accurately categorized.

Very personal anecdote on that note: I, like many people, spent some time questioning my gender. I have been tomboyish since pretty much day one, and was frequently bullied for unladylike activities as well as broadly battered by garden-variety middle-school misogyny. I was made to feel wrong for pursuing the interests I had while being female - whether that was sports, STEM, gaming, tree-climbing, wearing unfashionable pants, or a million other completely genderless things I happened to enjoy. It made it difficult for me to tell if I felt unhappy because I was being MADE unhappy, or if it was because I was fundamentally wrong about myself and could not be happy as I was. Eventually I concluded that every time I thought "maybe it would be better if I was a boy", it was in the specific context of "so I could do <thing I wanted to do>" or "so people would stop being shitty to me about <innocuous thing>". I realized I enjoyed being perceived as a girl and I enjoyed being capable of "manly" things. I liked being strong, gruff, loud, chivalrous, reliable - and I liked being pretty and having long beautiful hair and nice boobs. Admittedly it took me having an honest to god stress dream about growing a beard to finally shake the intrusive thought of "what if I'm wrong about everything and I really CAN'T be a girl while liking these things???" Internalized misogyny can fuck you up pretty hard, but in hindsight, the gut-wrenching disappointment I felt whenever I contemplated that possibility was a good sign that it didn't personally fit me. The trans friends I discussed this with affirmed my conclusion - "dread" is not the appropriate response to self-discovery in the pursuit of happiness. In my case I had simply been told "you can either be a girl OR you can do all this cool shit you like" and all I ever wanted was both - abandoning either one felt like giving up on something important to me. I did the gender questioning, concluded I was a cis woman, and then stopped thinking about it. And that was fine.

This is why I think the label "queer" is absolutely invaluable. I may not know exactly what my romantic orientation is and I don't know what exact subgender I could be classified as with "girl but in a dude way", but I know I'm sure as hell not what society assumed I should be. I don't know what box I fit in, but I'm dead certain where I DON'T fit. Who cares about the specifics? Nobody can know me better than I know myself, and demanding categorization I can't provide helps nobody and stresses everybody. The core desire of the queer community is to be able to exist in peace and pursue happiness. If a label helps you do that - an acknowledgement that you are known, seen, and not wrong or broken to exist as you do - then that's perfect. But if you don't NEED to categorize yourself in certain ways to be happy, you do not have to. Overlabeling can stress you out, and sometimes "oh no, what if I'm <thing> and I'll NEVER be able to be happy unless I COMMIT to that???" can be a very dangerous and intrusive headspace to spiral into. Things done in pursuit of personal fulfillment can NEVER be treated as obligations. It's okay to not be sure, and it's okay to NEVER be sure.

[collectionoftulips]

Edwina definitely changed the way she perceived her sister, when A started to show his interest, Kate became something she was embarrassed of -see the Pall Mall scene or the soiree one, for example. Something that still irks me (among the many things) is the way E was flattered by A' scheme with Dorset, unfazed even by the way the viscount umiliated Kate. Or the glove scene. At some point Kate became a nuisance then a personal maid. The half sister comment, considering E's character as a whole, I fear was something that she actually was convinced of, something that she thought even in non anger driven moments.

Your comment is really interesting because I can see where you're coming from, but I also think I read some of those scenes slightly differently (I'm not saying you're inherently wrong or anything like that, but I will offer my take).

With the Pall Mall scene, I always read Edwina being awkward in that scene as her sensing (quite accurately) that she wasn't fitting in, that she was falling short somehow of the expectations that the stay at Aubrey Hall entailed. Everyone expects her and Anthony to make a charming match and be the It couple of the season, but Edwina is feeling that she isn't measuring up to that. She's not 'vibing' the way Kate is with the Bridgertons and she doesn't have the same competitive edge that all of the Bridgertons and her sister has. Additionally, Edwina was basically raised from very young to blend into every social situation, to know and say the right thing at the right time, and here she is constantly making missteps and not feeling that she is charming everyone the way she has been taut. So when everyone let's loose and get to be themselves a bit during Pall Mall, Edwina is thrown for a loop because she's still in 'work mode' aka 'bag that man' mode that she knows she has to do. So when Edwina is puzzled by Kate in that scene, I took it more as her not really understanding the competitveness and everything. Or maybe you're thinking of a specific thing with regards to that scene?

As to being flattered by Anthony's attentions even though it embarrassed Kate at the races, I took that as due to her heavy consumption of romance novels 😉 Considering we still get the 'look at how much effort this man went into to trick you - how romantic!' vibes in romance media these days, I would assume Regency versions would be littered with them as well. Considering Anthony is the catch of the season, the fact that he seems to single Edwina out for special attention is flattering to her because Edwina knows also that her future is dependent on being charming and desirable among men of nobility. She doesn't know about the Sheffield scheme but the fundamental economics of the time for women is generally the same: they need to marry well. Should she have paid more attention to how it affected Kate and check in with how she was feeling? Probably, but she's also quite young (do they ever say her exact age?) and she's allowed (like every character) not to make every decision correctly.

I'm blanking on what the glove scene is right now, if I'm completely honest. Which one is that?

I think one of the major arcs for Edwina's character in the entire s2 is that so much of her existence was reliant on a lot of invisible labour of her family, she didn't see all the sacrifices Kate (for example) was making on her behalf and she was therefore quite sheltered. As she also points out at the end, she was never allowed to utter an opinion about those sacrifices and whether she was OK with Kate doing so much on her behalf without checking in with her. Which I personally think is a legitimate critique (I might have issues with how it was phrased on the show but that's a separate thing). Also, because Kate was so guarded, she did so much for her family without them knowing generally, and I think them not realising it could lead to a situation where it feels like Kate got a 'personal servant' vibe, so if I'm understanding you correctly, I don't think you're necessarily wrong in your feelings, but to me, I took that as part of the arc of where Edwina's character was supposed to grow.

I think similarly to my reflections on the half-sister comment and accidental arcs, I think that the show could have done with one additional scene after the girlboss moment in the church where after Edwina goes 'I've made up my mind', she actually has a conversation with Kate. I think that would have gone a long way to resolving some of those issues. But I don't know if you agree or not, but those are just some of my thoughts.

Sorry for the dissertation, this became quite long apparently? I guess in summary, I think my reading of the whole thing seems a little bit less harsh in some regards (but I obviously don't wanna speak for you and if I misunderstood I apologise), but I hope my thinking around it makes sense. Thank you so much for your ask ❤️