#i just wish i didn’t feel so lonely
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took myself on a little shopping trip yesterday in the city where i used to study in hopes of lifting my spirits but by the end of the day i felt so disheartened. wandering the same streets 10 years later and not much has changed. i’m still the same lonely unlovable girl.
#i just wanted to have a good time and not rot in bed for once on my work free weekend but of course my brain can’t let that happen#it was such a lovely day actually the weather was sunny and windy it wasn’t too hot or cold ideal weather to stroll through the city#i had delicious food and found some comfortable clothes but at the end of the day i just felt so empty and worn out#seeing all these couples and friend groups and families and i’m still all by myself after so many years#tbh i’m even lonelier now than i was 10 years ago back then i at least had a few friends#idk what i’m doing with my life tbh.. i just want to be happy but even when i take myself on a cute little date i end up feeling miserable#bc it just hits me how truly lonely i am#i fear i’m incapable of forming any genuine relationships anymore bc i had so many bad experiences that i just stopped trying to connect..#with anyone.. even though i crave community friendship companionship and love i completely shut myself off from the world#i’m not even sure what i’m trying to say with all this.. i wish i knew how to be a person in this world#i wish i could be happy#tbh ever since i got back from my italy vacation i’ve been feeling depressed bc life could be so beautiful if i didn’t have to sacrifice..#almost all of my time for work#the post vacation depression is too real…#realizing you can only spend a very limited time traveling and enjoying yourself bc you have to work most of the time just to afford living#let me stop.. i keep rambling and my thoughts are falling like a waterfall#idk what’s wrong with me… i should have breakfast and put my phone away#sorry to anyone who actually reads all this word vomit#☁️
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missing my cat a lot today
#it’s been two months since he died and the feeling sort of just hit me out of the blue again#i wish there was a grief that didn’t settle so deeply and permanently in your chest#i feel stupid feeling so much about it because he was ‘just’ a cat but i loved him so much#and i know feeling stupid is stupid because love and grief are not stupid things to feel. feeling is not stupid.#it’s just that it can be so lonely losing a pet. when you are their person.#sorry i just. something reminded me of him and i broke a little#i miss him#beets posts
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i log into tumblr for two minutes. i make it three posts down the dash. i burst into angry tears.
#i fucking hate this sport actually#i wish there was a way to deactivate temporarily lmfao#bc the temptation is too high to resist logging in#it’s really fascinating how i can just not say the mean things on my mind all weekend#but nobody else seems to give a flying fuck. whatever man legitimately i hate it here#i wish i had a thriving social life offline still so i wouldn’t constantly drag myself back#i wish i never got into f1 . like i should’ve just been miserably depressed and lonely anyways cuz god knows i still am#and i wish i didn’t care abt not hurting other people’s feelings#bc it would be really fucking satisfying to say all sorts of awful things in response to the shit i see#maybe i do just deactivate.#even tho it’s not possible to come back w/o starting over.
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I’m gonna be pathetic real quick,
#I miss her so much#dealing with a one sided crush on one of my closest friends no less has not been easy#we haven’t really hung out this year not bc of the feelings stuff but bc I was tired of always being the one to plan hang outs and outreach#this has always been our dynamic#she’s just not the initiator type#which was fine at first#but for me the more I put into a friendship the more I expect in return#so it was hard not to take it personally when things didn’t change after we talked abt it#anyway she graduated college today#and idk if it just really sunk in that this is very likely the last time we will ever be in proximity to each other#but something abt it just kinda hit me today#a part of me wishes she had reached out#but maybe this is for the best#I feel I shouldn’t have to ask for what I need every single time#the down side is that knowing that doesn’t cancel out the years of friendship#I’ve always had a hard time letting people go#a part of me almost always cares about them for a long time#it’s hard bc my college experience was largely knowing that while I had friends I likely wasn’t their top choice#or part of their larger group#I floated around a lot which was cool sometimes and lonely other times#but if there was any person who I would have expected or I guess even just wanted to put in more of an effort it was her#personal#rambles#vent#it is complicated navigating friend expectations vs crush yearning#but I like to think that I can be rational enough to distinguish between the two#and so not ask for anything that is outside the reasonable expectation for friends#idk man it’s been an emo day overall ig
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oh, random thursday in october, i wish you’d go fuck yourself <3
#anyways i’m depressed today#and i’m not gonna jump ahead and be all ‘i’m in a depressive episode’#bc the jury’s still out on that one#but it’s not often that i a have a random day of depression that isn’t followed by a full episode#which is great!#granted i could also be coming on my period#bc i do feel bloated and also just all round gross#but also could maybe be both#that happens at times#my period doesn’t discriminate against my depressive episodes#when she comes she comes she doesn’t care#i also don’t know if it’s gonna be a full manic episode again#or like as bad as it was back in june#bc i was really bad in june#like at least the mania back in february gave me a break#june was just none stop horrors™️#why has this year been the longest year of my fuckin life#and that literally includes the years i was going through severe medical trauma#i’m really really lonely also#but i feel like i’m bothering everyone#what fuckin else is new?#sorry to everyone i say i’ll be there for and then i’m never there ✌🏻🤪✌🏻#i’m not exactly the safe place i wish i could be#i’m not even a safe place for MYSELF#so you’re probably better off#i don’t know if i deserve to ask ppl to talk to me when i won’t do the same thing x#okay but the thing is i know i can get through this bc i always do#i just wish i didn’t have to#bc shit’s fucking exhausting to constantly go through every few months#like we get it i have a depressive disorder 😒
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i hate that i can’t even ride the high from my concert because my life is so consistently depressing and hellish lmao 🙃 it’s depressing to come back down to reality after such a good day. like it really makes me realize how joyless my life has become. everything just blurs together
#and i’m just tired of like everything around me feeling like it’s drifting away and becoming more unreachable#like i never even get to finish a conversation with half of my friends because they just forget to respond to me#thank god for sushi and asant consistently replying even when they’re busy lmao#no one else even bothers to really check in now unless i’m in like ACTIVE crisis it really sucks#not even in like a ‘i need people to hear me vent’ way#i just don’t feel important to the majority of the people in my life. at all#or maybe it’s just i feel like i care about and prioritize them a lot more than they do me#like? i had more coworkers text me on my birthday than actual friends#and i fucking hate my birthday so i get it to some degree#but it just hurts my feelings? idk? i feel like such an afterthought all the time to people. like a ghost#and i feel like i’m not interesting or good enough to keep anyone around or hold their attention#my own brother didn’t even wish me a happy birthday. at all lol#are my expectations just too high?#it’s just lonely. i wish i didn’t feel so alone
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lol it’s not getting better it’s getting worse! I am lonely and in pain! teehee!
#it’s seems like the only ppl who would miss me when I’m gone are three or four ppl on the internet that I’ve never met irl!#cause nobody irl seems to think I’m worth having around! heehee!#I am so fucking lonely it hurts!! and internet chat is hard bc I’m so empty inside I don’t know what to say!#you can’t just chill in silence on the internet unless you’re in a video/voice call and I don’t wanna do that!#my own family can’t stand me lol! I don’t know what I did or didn’t do to be treated like this!#if it isn’t loathing it’s outright apathy to me. even ppl I considered close are dropping me. I don’t know what I did and nobody will help!#I cried until my nose bled and I got a migraine yesterday#left a cartoon sized puddle w my tears lmao. was wailing amd hyperventilating and nobody even looked at me.#I wasn’t alone in the house and the walls aren’t that thick I know they heard me. they just didn’t feel like confronting it#I’m more close to killing myself than I have ever been and that’s fucking saying something considering how many times I’ve actually attempte#I really just want this to end. I wish it did t have to be like this bc I don’t necessarily want to die#I want to be there for my cat and I want to experience the world#but the agony in my chest is unbearable.
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I wish I could inject pasilyo into my brain so I can have permanent happiness
#There’s this specific part of the song#It srsly alters my brain chemistry#Anyways#i hate tumblr sm#Idk like I Gen hate being on here sm#No matter what account I make no matter if I tell ppl about it whether I don’t tell ppl I just hate this place soooo much#Like if I have a following it sucks because it’s rlly lonely if I don’t it’s still lonely and then if there’s nobody at all it’s lonely#Loneliness is what got me to discord boy so like :D#The fact I am genuinely missing him sm I’m gonna krill myself 😻��#Also I think I hate talking to minors cause these kids be letting themselves get groomed all the time I’m so tired of seeing it#The creep in my course is being so weird to Raisa who is a minor … I can’t help but think it’s all my fault … I invited her to the pharm gc#To show her how messy it was ….#I didn’t expect her to follow and accept requests of everyone …#Anyways I just am so annoyed. Like I wish I could have one person just one where I can be confident in being their no.1 but every time I th#Think I’m maybe somewhere high up on someone’s list of important ppl I realise I overestimated my position even tho I’m rlly self conscious#And being myself down over that. Also I still hate Eid. I hate Eid sm. How do ppl genuinely enjoy Eid. Idk if I’ve ever been excited for Ei#It’s like I’m just suddenly getting more sick of ppl by the day. I Gen don’t like talking to ppl at all even tho I used to rely on talking#To others like its sustenance now it’s just such a hassle to me because I’m so sick of being unimportant to literally every single person I#Have ever known. Literally everyone except maybe dahlia idk. the only person who has never gotten mad/snapped at me o is dahlia#And knowing my luck that will soon be taken from me too. Anyways good riddance to tumblr i loathe this site and im sick of the mind games#All the time from just existing on here. Gen makes me feel ill. I’m so sick of that girl I like and sick of everyone. The only time ppl car#Is when I cause a scene. And ykw atp I loathe being showed sympathy and pity for these sorts of posts because it just feels like a big joke#Cause why couldn’t you just care when I was fine. Why do you ONLY care when I’ve had enough of your bad behaviour. How does one make someon#Like me go mad with all these things#Istg if I come back to this dumb site whether to this acc to the tora one or my other account everyone has permission to beat me up.#dora daily#Tldr;I HATE ppl and everyone ever + I’m just sick of pretending like everyone doesn’t suck cause how can ppl be so insufferable intolerable#Insane horrible in every way and ppl like them. How do they live with themselves when they’re this aggravating. Every day I hate ppl more#Because their mannerisms their everything is just so embarrassing.#Essay tags 😻😻😻
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my mum: stopped me at every opportunity I asked to come see my dying grandpa bc ‘you don’t want to see him like this’ even tho I already had seen him and he had been happy to see me after years estranged from that side of the family and I very much wanted to fit as much time with him in as possible before it was too late and in the end she blocked me from all of it
also my mum: you never came to see your grandpa, you don’t give a shit
and now my mum yet again: won’t let me come see my gran who has been losing weight and falling and breaking bones a lot and been in and out of hospital since being on her own. Didn’t let me go talk to gran when we were both at my great aunt’s funeral last year and so I never saw her and she only found out I was there through other people who saw me. Refuses every time I ask to see my gran, including now when I’ve got presents for her
also my fucking mum right now in the same breath as refusing to allow me to come over: you never come to see your gran, you don’t give a shit
make it make fucking sense jfc
#Never mind the fact that the way my mum and aunt and cousins act about my gran it feels like I’m the only one who DOES give a shit#I’m the one crying and feeling bad for her and wishing I could do more#while my mum and aunt bitch about each other and refuse to coordinate to find an arrangement that works bc they don’t talk#And no-one believes me bc of the years we spent estranged from the family#which was largely bc of my mum being Fucking Terrifying and my aunt a manipulative bitch#I’m so pissed off. I wanted to mend things with papa bc when everyone else had acted like fools he had been fine#and he didn’t deserve to lose contact with us for all this years and I wanted him to know we love him before he was gone#and my aunt and cousin walked us out of the cancer centre the second time I tried to see him so I only got one actual session with him#and now I can’t reach my gran who has been lonely and declining bc of the grief and loneliness#and I’m fucking pissed bc yeah my gran did some batshit stuff in the past#and it was all a big mess but I still don’t want her to feel like I don’t cherish all the good times I spent with her as a kid#before everything went sour. You couldn’t keep me away from them as a kid. I loved spending my holidays there#some of my fondest childhood memories were with them and I hate that things got ruined but I just#want to make up for lost time and let bygones be bygones and yet everything remains complicated
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ok i took a nap sorry for miseryposting
#purrs#i don’t feel better per se but i do feel less angry so i think that’s good. but i did have a fucked up and disturbing dream so now im#focused on that a little bit but it’s whatever. i think i just feel stuck in my life and overwhelmed rn but i have to be gentle with myself#and okay with accepting outcomes that are compromises even if i really don’t want to. but idk. i have to think on it more. and i wish i felt#less lonely bc i KNOW i am not it’s just i have no emotional object permanence and i keep dismantling all my inoculations and then crying#out for more inoculations and i don’t know how to stop. and now im getting upset again typing this so I’m going to stop even though i havent#gotten to the end of my thought yet and like reblog some things or watch a video idk. i really need to find a counselor and speaking of#which i feel like someone told me lately (on here probably and ididnt reply im sorry) that my counseling place should give me referrals to o#other places and they didn’t and maybe it’s bc i told them i was taking a break from counseling but i am kind of like 😐😑. but i’ll figure it#out and find someone. i think there’s a thing i can do through work i just have to gather the spoons to actually do it and i spent all of th#them on the drivers manual today. also i read like half the drivers manual today! which is something to acknowledge. ok im done now bye
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my emotions r still getting the best of me but atleast after the breakdown i feel better????
kinda.
#jealousy isnt fun at all#relationship envy#when is it my time to be happy#i hate dwelling on it bc it feels like i dont make any progress#change scares me and i feel like babu bc of how much i react to things#i havent directly told anyone about why i am so jealous and sad whenever that person mentions their boyfriend#i wish i didn’t care but im just reminded about how lonely i am#and i understand these feelings but i wish i could overcome them#over tough week and its not even over#i journaled about it too and i still am feeling a way#n e way goodnight
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peach is down i hve nowhere else to vent 😭
#i cant sleep im so worried ab my sister#i wish my mom didn’t tell me all of this stuff like what am i supposed to do with it#she just got a blood test back where one thing was slightly abnormal and my mom and I are both up worrying sick abt it#the way she passed that trait down to me makes me so sad sometimes like I don’t want it#whenever anything happens we both think over every possible outcome and fixate on the worst ones#i wish my little sister still lived at home with us it makes me so sad everytbing got worse when she left#ugh i cant help but cry I just miss being a kid and not having to think ab these things#i miss when all my siblings were here and I always had someone to talk to#now my childhood home is empty it’s just me and I’m so lonely here#it hurts#my mom thinks I’m the strongest and I can handle these things but no one understands how well I can hide my feelings#my family thinks I’m impenetrable but I cry about these things so much it rips me up inside
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What a day. I don’t understand how it gets better and then gets so much worse again in less than a week. I don’t know what to do about that. And the worst part is, it’s genuine. I can tell my psychiatrist on Wednesday that I’m doing quite well and have that be true, but by Monday and Tuesday I am so worn down that all I can do is cry and wish I wasn’t such a fuckup. And that also feels genuine.
I really, really don’t know what to do with that. How does one overcome a constant onslaught of emotions? Is this how it’s supposed to be and others just cope in ways I can’t? I feel like the problem. Well haha, anyways, better days ahead I hope
#I fumbled at work today and the humiliation and fear are eating me alive#logical brain thinks it’s not nearly as big a deal as I feel it is#ugh#I feel like I always do things wrong#if I’m given a 50/50 shot. a yes or no#I always pick the wrong choice#and then I try to correct it by thinking ‘well last time I did choice A and that was bad so now I should do choice B instead’#but this time choice B was incorrect and choice A was better#I feel fundamentally wrong. like I just mistake after mistake and am wearing everyone’s patience thin#I am fighting this line of thought. I know this isn’t 100% based on facts at all#I wish it didn’t have to be like this. I want to make a minor oops at work and not have it be an agony that reverberates for weeks to come#I miss something but I can’t figure out what. might be lonely again#screams from the void#I’ve got my girlfriend’s sweater beside me in bed so I can hold it while I sleep because it smells like her#I feel really bad. I know it will pass but Christ Alive
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real sad boy hours
#why? just ‘cause.#actually I’m here at this chess tournament my brother is entered in. sitting by myself in the lobby waiting for him to finish his last game#and I’m honest to goodness trying not to openly weep. I feel so stupid#hold on. give me a second bc just writing this makes#makes me start crying a little and there are people around#life is too short#I love this kid. I’ve loved watching him grow up. and I’m always ALWAYS aware that everything is passing so fast#will I be here with him next year? will he outgrow all of this?#we don’t hang out as much anymore. he’s got his teenage things going on. his own life.#I don’t know. I’m trying to appreciate these moments as much as I can#it’s hard though. I feel like shit. my head hurts. my tinnitus has been driving me crazy#it’s hard to be present when you’re in a fog#last night in the hotel room we didn’t even really hang out. he just played on his phone until he slept. which is totally his right.#I just… I just hope I’m really appreciating this time#ok now I feel stupid for kind of crying in this hotel while lots of people walk around#i don’t know what more I could even do now. it’s not like I’m allowed to go watch him play or I can do anything but wait#I suppose I have to keep asking myself ‘am I appreciating this enough?’ and if I’m not then try to work on that#life is really shitty right now but I know there have been countless times I wish I’d been more present#so I wake up tired today and drink coffee & 5 hour energy and still I’m tired and my head hurts but I’ve still gotta try. just a little.#in a couple of years he’ll be off to college and have his own life#and it won’t be him and I going to the movies or driving him to school or having dinner together#anyway… juuuuust sad. and lonely. straight up not having a good time#but also I’m glad I’m here if only to hang around my brother a little bit#IAN! stop! god I feel so stupid letting myself wallow like this. it’s not helping. it’s just making me sad. focusing on the negatives.#whatevs. I’ve got major depression. suck my butt. I’m allowed to be sad sometimes.#this weekend didn’t really go like I thought#I guess I expected to read more and shoot the shit with my brother and hang out more but it’s whatever. life happens.#my mental & physical health has been bad for a couple months now so I couldn’t have reasonably expected to suddenly be great just because 🤷🏻#oh well!#text
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#wish I didn’t feel like I need to be talking to someone constantly so I don’t feel lonely#it’s so stupid#the quiet just isn’t good for me
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#just ignore this#i’m fr never going to be mentally healthy am i#why do i not see a future for myself outside of just killing myself at like 25 once my life falls apart completely#managed to not hurt myself for ages and went straight back to it in the past few weeks#just got out of genuinely one of the worst depressive episodes of my life where i genuinely thought i was going to finally do it#genuinely so lonely at the minute. i see my bf once a week#i have one friend who i get to see consistently and besides that im alone and it fucking sucks#i have a club i go to once a month that sort of keeps me going bc it means seeing more than two people#i thought i was out of the episode but i really don’t know anymore and im worried im actually going to do something this time#i’ve called the crisis line so many times in the past year and it’s not done anything they said they referred me to psych but they in fact#did not and i’ve just waited around for two years for three non existent referrals#i can’t do it bc i can’t do that to ewan or my parents but besides that i sincerely think me dying wouldn’t really affect anyone else#which i think is a good thing really#literally cannot cope with the constant intrusive thoughts anymore it’s genuinely hell#stuck between i need to see people and the people i want to see do not like me so i’m just gonna keep my distance#actually wish i could have my consciousness just sleep for a bit while someone else piloted my body and did everything i do so no one could#tell i was gone#i feel like a stupid hormonal teenager but i really didn’t think i would live this long and i don’t really like being alive all that much i#just keep going because i get to see ewan once per week
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