#i just want to eat without getting sick.
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You know, onn the one hand I love that being gluten free became trendy years back as it made gluten free food better and more widespread.
On the other hand I hate that it went trendy because companies took the excuse to make any gluten free options like 4x more expensive.
I just wanna eat pasta without spending the next two days in fucking tummy trouble land.
#my gluten allergy has been acting up really badly lately. like bad enough that I'm buying rice cakes instead of bread rn.#the ableism present in 'trendy' diet food or 'specialty' diet food is as always unreal.#also reminder to the priveleged folk who are able to donate to food banks#PLEASE donate gluten free stuff or non caffeinated stuff#please there are poor people with allergies and medical needs too#it feels terrible going to a hospitality meal in the winter annd not being able to have a hot drink after walking or standing outside.#these little things could be small comfort on one hand or lifesaving on the other.#i just want to eat without getting sick.
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Finished three more Pages, yay!
#my art#soul eater#se#fanart#black star#soul eater black star#elizabeth thompson#liz thompson#soul eater Liz#jacqueline o' lantern duprƩ#jacqueline O lantetn Durpre#soul eater jacqueline#and all it took me to finish these was having tormenting pain bc I can't eat sth without getting sick ig#also I love how Black star was literally the first guy I've sketched at the beginning but I finished him just now after MONTHS#not that Stein and Kiliks Partners share the same fate..#i gave Jackie boots as well bc I get wanting to outfit match with your GF but girl.. have some variety in the outfits you share uu
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some1 tell me something to write/draw
#vixen rambles#i need something 2 do so i dont start eating bricks#thing abt getting told i have hashimotos is. they are Refusing to treat it.#because i have 'nothing else going on'#i am UNABLE TO WALK WITHOUT PAIN#IM NOT EVEN 20#I AM WALKING WITH A CANE DAILY#like i can tell you now. its hypothyroid arthropathy. and fuckk man all i want is to GET RID OF IT#i wnana fucking run again i wanna hike i wanna climb stairs without pain#i want to have energy again i wanna play games i wanna work i wanna live#im so sick of being called a cripple#im so sick of my entire life being classes and my room i want to be a real person again#we're trying a different doctor thurdsay to see if i can get Any kind of help. i dont care if they take the whole thyroid out#i just wanna get rid of these symptoms#MY IMMUNE SYSTEM IS EATING MY THYROID#THE THYROID IS KIND OF. A DECENTLY VITAL ORGAN. YKNOW.#'DONT SEE A REASON TO KEEP SEEING ME' LORD#GOD#sorgy. im ok#i stay winning. im batman#this will all be over in a fwe months. but GODDDD
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well. did you fucking miss me.
#random thoughts#apologies for sounding in such a sour mood. life is fucked as of late.#scheduled post. i made this on 10.08.2024.#everything has just gone to shit. so far i've been eating less than ever. feels like my stomach is eating itself augh (':#(technically the so-called relapse started on 24.12.2023. but we are not unpacking that today or ever.)#and i am filled with this desperate urge to cut myself. really really deep. not sure how to cope with it#i also?? hate how i look??#and yet i spend all my time?? in this dark dark room?? taking pictures of my face?????#i'm not killing myself off just yet don't worry. i considered it but it won't be happening any time soon.#i originally planned on disappearing for twelve days. partly to make my friends feel bad because i'm awful#which. obviously didn't work. as i don't think anyone noticed or cared particularly.#but mostly because i can't fucking handle it. it being everything. my future feels so uncertain#i am barely alive. i love all the people in my life. but they're too far away physically and emotionally.#but yeah. back finally. although ciel disappears for a lot longer than me and if you know hym my absence would be a small stint.#ciel if you're here when i post this i love you please come back. ):#this place is so scary to come back to. i'm not sure why. i'm just. scared.#i'm not even sure if i want to return really. i'm having second thoughts now. i haven't gotten worse enough#and i can't say what that means. because in theory there's nothing wrong with me that's been speculated upon. so.#i don't think anyone would care if i disappeared for longer than this.#but being away is torture. and then again being here also sort of is. it's scary#fuck.#i can't get out of bed without feeling like shit. i don't know if i can come back. i'm so sick of everything.#if you're seeing this i'm so sorry.#I NEED TO CUT MYSELF I NEED TO CUT MYSELF NOW. I NEED TO. I MADE SO MANY PROMISES BUT I NEED TO DO IT NOW#I'VE GOT THE SCISSORS I NEED TO DO IT#I NEED TO DO IT RIGHT THE FUCK NOW#(<- tags canceled for now)
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thinking about this post i saw the other week where this person was saying how badly they wanted to be able to buy a nice mug without thinking twice about it. and all the comments were saying how they could just buy a cheaper mug. and they were like jesus fucking christ ITS NOT ABOUT THE MUG. because yeah
#iām so fucking. Exhausted#having to so carefully budget every single dollar#and feeling like a failure if i want to get like. some fancy cookies or something#or a nice blanket#and i am paying back my debt but also taking on more every year#and i personally donāt even feel that bad about it. like as long as i can afford the monthly payments idc#but then i see like three million tiktok/youtube videos shaming people who have less debt than i do#and im like. well ok.#like i am Trying idk what else to sayš#but i donāt want to try this hard like iām not strong enough#i donāt have the work ethic or desire to scrape every penny into my savings like.#i just want to be able to buy fun things and see my friends#not even like. anything crazy expensiveš#i want to go out to a bar for karaoke without feeling guilty about the drink prices#itās just. sooooo fucking frustrating and iām worried it wonāt ever end#sorry for the rant i am just spiraling a little bitš#iāll probably delete later#like i am Fine and actually doing really well rn#but i am so sick of not being able to afford to eat#and even when i start getting paid i still have to be so so so careful with my money#which i am. historically not good at doing#UGH#sorryš#will delete#personal
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ARCANE EPISODE 7!!!!
MY GOD I WASNT READY FOR ANY OF THIS!!! WHAT WAS THAT!!!
Also ekko wallpaper I got with my fries lmao
#OH MY GOOOD!!!!!! POWDER AND EKKO!!! AND BENZOOOOOO#ITS LITERALLY WHAT COULD HAVE BEEN OMGG!!!!! POWDER LOOKS SO CUTE šššš IM CRYING ALREADYYYY#VANDER WITH A BUN!! AND EVERYTHING IS SO FULL OF LIGHT!!! HER EYES!!! MYLO LOOKS SO RIDICULOUS AKDJSK THIS GIRLAAA#āwhere would you be without herā WELL BUDDY IF YOU KNEW HOW HE IS WITH HER!!! VI IS DEAD????? OR SHE WAS TAKEN FOR THE INCIDENT!!!#LOOK AT WHAT YOU DID JAYCE!!! MY GOD!!! THE GEMS KILLED VI SO THEY JUST COMPLETELY PROHIBITED THEM!!! JAYCE IS IN JAIL PROBABLY!!#the fact we are seeing exactly why jayce should be sorry about what he has done.... and we are seeing him suffer because of it... cinema š¬#also mel fading into viktor.... also has he realised how she manipulated him in the beggining??? there is so much stuff...#jayce eating contaminated animals and his wound being infected with the arcane too..... is that what will push him....#omg.... ekko likes powder so much... he apologised by painting actual adult vi portraits where the fallen are in his universe ššš#āshe looks so badassā if you knew... is he gonna ask her to help him make hextech.... that is so sick and twisted....#also jayce hurting his leg loke viktor and having to use a cane and brace.... damn and you know whats worse..... that ekko could be like#this with the jinx of his universe IF ISHA HADNT DIED!!! AND IT IS BEACUSE OF JAYCE!! AGAIN!!!!! THIS MAN!!!!!#the drawing with the anomaly and the two men and the inifite symbol... we get it... jayce and viktor forever intertwined by fate....#powder is sensing something is off.... omg time travel..... THE LIMIT IS FOUR SECONDS AFTER HEIMERDINGER EPXLODED ALDHAKSHSKSJSOJSOSLS#i dont want a time travel ending.... if its done for plot to an extent is okay but idk about solving it all.... it makes it feel worhtless#claggor looks so fine its not even funny..... i cant wait to see what everyone thinks. WHERE IS THE LITTLE LADY bc hes called little man š#and vander with arm tattoos.... why did they hipster fied him.... he looks younger somehow ajdhakj he went from taking care of 4 kids to 3!#SILCO!!!! AND HE DID TRY TO KILL HIM!! ALSJAKSKAK Ekko just laighing at it.... girl i would be pissed STROMAE??? OMG POWDER!!!!#I JUST REALIZED THE PINK IN HER HAIR IS FOR VI!! AND HER JACKET!! AND A DRESS LIKE HER MOTHER'S!! CRYING!!! FULL BODY CHILLS!!!#CAN WE JUST PRETEND LIKE ITS THE FIRST TIME!!! I GAVE UP ON YOU!!! WHAT HAPPENED BACK THEN I NEED TO KNOW!!! IM SOBBING!!! EKKO!!!!#NOOOOOOO THE ANOMALY NOOOOO!!!! HEIMERDINGER NOOOOO!!!! AND THATS JAYCE!!! IS THAT MAGE VIKTOR???? the monkeys......#the vi toy with the out love song machine.... my god i wasnt expecting any of this i need to breathe i am stil tearing up my god#what a fucking punch in the stomach christ i cant breathe right akdhsksso#the credits saying the deries has benefited from a spanish tax rebate in the canary islands??? you're welcome i guess lmao#animation production carried out there and has ben collaboration with the Spanish gov... alright another win for perro sanxe#talking tag#watching arcane#watching arcane season 2#watching this i dont think im ready for caitvi sex.... after reconciliation even like what will be of me.... now im scared#i am still scared bc idk what happened to jinx and vi and cait still... thats what worried me and boom!! ekko powder with the steel chair..
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need someone who loves me so much they have to lock my collar to their belt. love me so much you can't let me out of your sight.
#Oooo I need somebody to love me so bad they have to eat my flesh like it's their last meal#I'm sooo tired of being sidelined and abandoned and everyone's second choice#I need someone to go out of their way to Pick Me and Keep Me on Purpose.#I want to be loved so intensely that the idea of us going out without me on a leash doesn't even cross their mind#Of course I have a leash on im their Favorite Dog#show me off. Be proud of me. Love me love me love me#Sigh#Bark4it#Anyways. Dog at the pound#It's free#fully vaccinated#Just needs a good bath and a loving home#Is gonna be put down if it doesn't find an owner soon#Actually genuinely incredibly sick and tired of never being chosen. Always the one who gets left behind. Always the loser.#I would like . For once in my life. To fall deeply in love. And have it reciprocated. With ease. I want someone to find it easy to love me#But if it was easy how could I eroticize my suffering!!! how could I transform it into kink
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just found out that instead of my mom my fucking shitass dad is coming home FOR A WEEK
#ugh i really want to kill someone rn im so mad#why can't he just fuckingļ»æ leave us alone#i know he used to be home 24/7/365 days just a year ago but istg it took us no time to adjust to life without him#now he comes home for like 2 days and my blood starts to boil i can't bear him he's so fucking irritating and interfering#mom coming home would have been relaxing finally burden free after 15 days#now the burden will be double tripled he's such a fucking lazy slob he can't even get his own glass of water#and he'll sleep in our room because it has ac UGHHHHHHHJHH it's so yuck i won't have a minute to myself and my mental health will decline#even MORE than it already has like if that's even possible#and he doesn't take his fucking meds so he's all weak and sick and lazy and he expects us to coddle him#well you know what fuck him im not even going to pretend to be happy that he's here or be nice to him and try to make him feel welcome#he broke this family up and it's going to stay broken up forever so fuck himmmm#and i have a freaking 750 ml bottle of vodka lying in my dresser what the fuck do i do with it now huh?????#it's only like 1/4th empty 3/4th is still full#and it's my sisters birthday on 26th and they'll both be here ugh i was sooo looking forward to actually celebrating with her#now she'll feel miserable and horrible and it'll be JUST like every other birthday she's spent at home#fucking grand#ugh god i sooo do not want to cook dinner for 4 people im so sick of this#and he isn't even satisfied with dinner he fucking eats like 4 times a day he wants a hot breakfast and lunch and evening snack and dinner#man i hope something happens to him and he isn't able to comešš god if you're real šššš
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#i just want to eat without getting sick#i've managed to today but i'm still nervous about eating actual food#and yet i crave grilled cheese#i'm hoping i'm well enough to have it because I cannot go through last night again
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ppl will go āiād notice if society was going to sacrifice a marginalised group of people and if they said that itās ok that a bunch of people would die then i would stand against itā and then theyāll hear people saying āwell only disabled and vulnerable people will die of covidā and go āyes this is normal and ok and fineā
#first of all itās not only disabled people who are dying and also covid can disable you real quick and make you part of that group that#people are fine with dying#but also do yāall hear yourself bed sometimes. the amount of people who claim to be allies but with throw others aside as soon as it#interferes with their comfort#also there have been so many studies and reports and articles on how covid disproportionally affects poc. not to mention inequalities in#healthcare that come into play too when youāre dealing with a pandemic#but as soon as yāall have to stop going to parties or restaurants or isolating for two weeks when exposed or confirmed positive or even if#you suspect you have it. or any of the millions of other things that at this point are important facets of community care and protecting#yourself and others from a disease that has been proven and continues to be proven to do a lot of damage to the body#yāall just balk. you donāt drop your claims but that doesnāt mean youāve dropped your allyship#Iād love to go back to normal. iād love to go out without a mask and eat in restaurants and do all the things i did before covid#but i wonāt. because i know that isnāt safe for me or my friends/family/community and also quite literally isnāt possible now because weāre#still in a pandemic. if you claim to be an ally to disabled people then prove it and mask#I canāt speak as fully on allyship to other communities who are disproportionately impacted but not masking harms everyone and if anyone#does want to speak on allyship to their communit(y/ies) feel free to go ahead#covid tw#fired up about this because iām doing radioactive iodine treatment in a few weeks and my mother is taking no precautions. not only am i at#risk if i catch covid but if she gets sick i either have to postpone my treatment to care for her (which risks giving my cancer more time to#metastasise if there are cells left) or i have to figure out another plan for treatment since my current plan hinges on her help since i#have to isolate#im just tired and frustrated. a pandemic doesnāt stop just because you get bored#vent tw#this is not as eloquent as i wish it was and the lack of punctuation and tone can make parts confusing but i think yāall get my point
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Naur please spare linda in this fic like she already popped out that manās children and did emotional labor to span lifetimes irl let her be free š
JWHEWJS SHE IS. SHE IS FREE DONT WORRY. they're fucking (in my head) but she's gonna go off and get the girlfriend she DESERVES. no mccartney brood for her she just gets to be a cool photographer turned rockstar turned photographer and activist. with a girlfriend.
#I just can't envision wings without her...... ik she didn't want to be in it so I heavily debated#just having her photographing the band#but if she wasn't pressured into it by paul who here is just some guy she fucks sometimes#I think she'd have fun. and then gets to bail when she gets sick of it to go take pictures and eat pussy#as she should!
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depression cancelled i cleaned up a small part of my room and also my bag
#logbook#i hsd tea bags in my bag without a baggie bc im an idiot and was walking around with spilled tea in said bag for a month#i have spent all weekend in a depressive haze im so tired and sick. and this week is going to SUCK ass.#its fine everythings fine.#im debating if i want to go do laundry tonite or not. in the process i could pick up some food and things for the house up here.#and then not have to go down tmrw. . .sighs#also my plans to hang out wirh new friend were cancelled. he said he didnt make enough and had to work and was like 'oh yeah#we can hang out for an hour' and im like bro wont you need to get ready for work. like dw abt our hang out take care of yourself#and then we bonded over taking care of ourselves LOL#i think it worked out bc i ended up tsking 2 hrs to build a maybe hr max furniture and then napped for another 2 hours#i was so sick snd exhausted. this whole weekend has been like what if you are never not depressed. thanks man!#i forget how depressed i get at the end of summer going into fall everybodys so up there and im just waaaay down here#but i have managed to do some things. finally pulled myself out to bed. and ive also forced myself to eat so theres thst too.#jk also in case it wasn't obvious. depression still here
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I thinkā¦ I have figured out the reason I never get gendered as a guy anymore and itās making me haveā¦. A lot of really complex feelings
#most of my life Iāve been VERY androgynous#and ever since I cut off all of my hair when I was 16 and started dressing in menās clothes#I tended to get gendered as a man or woman p equally by strangers#(until I talked because my voice tends to be a give away which is a whole other thing I have Thoughts about but thatās a different issue)#but in the past ohā¦ idkā¦ six months or so? I literally NEVER get gendered as a guy#it has happened ONCE#like sure ppl will ask for my pronouns but I know thatās just cuz I look like stereotypical genderqueer afab person#itās not cuz they canāt tell what my gender isā¦#and Iāve been wondering whatās so different. why donāt I ever get gendered as a man anymore#I havenāt changed how I dress I still have a masculine haircut most of the time my facial features obviously havenāt changed#SO WHAT DID#Iā¦ Iāve figured it outā¦.#Iāve gained weight. but only in my hips and thighs#all my pants that Iāve had for YEARS are suddenly too tight and too small around my hips and thighs#Iāve NEVER had curves anywhere before I was always stuck straight and nowā¦ I do#and like part of me wants to be happy. Iām gaining weight!!! Iāve always been so horrendously underweight#and Iāve battled severe disordered eating for so long that was the cause#this past year Iāve actually very steadily been eating three meals a day instead of one#I can eat whole portions without getting sick#and Iām really proud of myself for that like Iām def not upset Iām gaining weight#itās just. itās just that itās literally all in my hips and thighs#and itās giving me a more feminine figure which Iāve NEVER had before#and I know your body goes through more changes in your twenties and thatās probably part of it too#itās just. I donāt want this. I donāt like this.#I havenāt felt genuinely dysphoric in a long time and now I want to crawl out of my skin whenever I look in a full body mirror#cuz I see it now. I see the change. and I just. do Not fucking Like It#but I canāt do anything about it š#and idk what to do#ugh#kaz rambles
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BRUH
EVERYTIME I feel like im starting to feel better my body just turns around and flips me off
mf sends me off w a shove down the stairs, nausea, sweating/tremors, headache, confusion, dizziness, it pantsed me, it stole my lunch money, it gave me a swirlie, i cant fuckin win
#venty? venty-ish idk#bruhhhh i might have to go back to the hospital once my medication is up#really not looking forward to that#i am so fuckin bored in this bed dude i havent been able to do anything fun i need cocomelon tiktok adhd stimulation hdhsdhjh#tried drawing and my body was like#nausea upon ye#ive just been rotting in bed on yt and character ai#at least i have husband leshy to talk to me 24/7 LOL#also i managed to eat something flavoured without vomiting#i may also be getting a yummy chicken noodle soup today teehee#rubs my little mitts together in anticipation#anyway yea kinda /neg post but uhh i have been feeling like ass ever since that outpatients visit lol#granted im feeling a lot better now but im still getting symptoms occasionally#like just earlier i was going on abt how much better i was feeling#then i woke up covered in cold sweat feeling nauseous lmfao.#like ur kidding#what happened between the time i fell asleep and the time i woke up#chill tf out pls i dont want to go to hopital#grrr#tw sick mention#tw vomit mention
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me missing my tears ricochet through wildest dreams at my eras show because i felt like i was gonna puke ā¦. villain origin story
#while i am grateful for the fact that i was part of an awesome rain show & got WCS as a surprise song itās like#i was anxious the whole day & could hardly eat and like as soon as i felt better it was like lightning advisory!!!!!#apart from missing phoebe i just felt sick through like half of taylorās set because of how long iād gone without food since the concert#went until 2 am#obv i know i could have gotten food there (and i did initially) but everything was just so chaotic#i had to sit during most of the midnights set but i forced myself to enjoy anti-hero#idk while i still had an unforgettable time i just feel so bummed that i felt like shit and didnāt get to enjoy the show as much as i wanted#anyway itās not that deep iām just talking
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Today is an IBS flare day and I'm regretting all of my life decisions
#IBS#I always get overconfident when I haven't had bad symptoms in a while#'I haven't eaten this type of food in a few days so having it now won't hurt'#'Yeah this medicine isn't good for my stomach but I'm not feeling well so just one pill won't irritate my stomach'#:')#if my life was a show this would be the part where the laugh track goes off at how irresponsible I am#I really need to be more careful with what I eat#and manage my pain without meds that will just hurt my stomach more#OH and the freaking 3 cups of coffee I had today since my brain wasn't wanting to work#I'm not supposed to have that much coffee for like... 3 different health conditions I have going on#including tachycardia and a history of arrhythmia#it feels like I'm always sick and then I try to āfixā it by making myself a different type of sick š#I feel so unwell right now#I guess it's a wake up call to take better care of myself but I'm so terrible at it#honestly it's a miracle I've been sleeping semi normally these days#but everything else feels damn near impossible#my stomach is so sensitive#ughhhhhhh
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