#i just think what happened here is often excused as justifiable

[molinaskies]

Lanolin: Designed to be Dislikable.

Hi friends. I’ve had a number of people in my digital face over the last few months trying to “show me the light of Lanolin,” but I’ve kept these interactions private because there’s no need to put them on blast. Of course, they're mostly respectful and I’m often reminded that I have a right to my opinion, but there is always an undercurrent that I might have just missed this one small tidbit that could blow the case wide open because how could I possibly not like her? How could I not understand her character and be empathetic to her plight?

But I’ve watched the videos. I’ve read the think pieces. I’ve seen it all. But my opinion hasn’t changed and that does not mean I’m wrong… nor does it mean I’m right! We have two different opinions that should be allowed to co-exist.

I’m being a touch cross here, I recognize. Please forgive me for that, this once. But frankly, I am frustrated—not because people like Lanolin, but because many seem incredulous to the fact that I dislike her. And I can only assume that means I simply have not made myself clear.

Consider this my final take on Lanolin the Sheep until there is some significant development for this character.

I am allowed to dislike Lanolin because she is a fictional character whom I’ve done the research on and have come to that conclusion. Done. That’s all she wrote. Go home.

That aside entirely for the sake of argument, I am allowed to dislike Lanolin because she is supposed to be unlikeable as per her role in this story. I dislike Lanolin because I dislike assholes, but I also like Lanolin because she is doing her job very fucking well! lol

Lanolin is not supposed to be in the right. She is a character who is making major mistakes due to her lack of experience combined with her arrogant dismissal of others, and she will eventually be punished by Mimic’s betrayal to teach the audience some sort of lesson. If half of this comic’s runtime has been about punishing Sonic—the titular character—for his mistakes, then Lanolin can get punished once. I would bet real world money that this will happen.

So many characters are sus of Duo by now and have tried to do something about it but Lanolin gets in the way because she can’t listen to reason. The only reason Silver and Whisper “go rogue” is because Lanolin wouldn’t listen to reason—and her response was still disproportionate because when Whisper tried again to explain herself, Lanolin made her hit the deck.

Lanolin is Sonic with some pieces missing. We know this because Lanolin directly cites Sonic as her inspiration for getting involved in the restoration. However, Lanolin looks at Sonic, sees his behaviour, and emulates it without any understanding or regard for how he has earned the right to do what he does. Sonic is insolent, not arrogant, because he only denies authority when it isn’t earned. Sonic is defiant, not self-righteous, because he believes there are multiple ways to solve a problem. Sonic is empathetic, not sympathetic, because he takes the time to learn and experience what it means to live on the other side. Lanolin has modelled herself off of Sonic because Sonic is a hero, but she’s missed the bigger picture of what that actually means.

Lanolin is cold, unkind, and unwilling to be wrong because she thinks she knows everything she needs to be in this game. That is inherently unlikable to some people and therefore justified.

But there’s more to this, isn’t there?

A huge defence of Lanolin as a character is that “she has baggage that makes her rough around the edges,” and you know what? Fair! You would not believe how empathetic I am to that, trust me. Imma get into it. But the reality of the case is that Lanolin is her own keeper, and if Sonic, Tails, Knuckles, Amy, Rouge, the Chaotix, Tangle, Whisper, Silver, Blaze, Jewel, Belle, and many others can carry their baggage around and still treat others with respect and without verbal and physical abuse, then there’s no excuse. Yes, it takes time to get there, and the whole point of Lanolin as a character is that she hasn’t learned the “everyone is useful just the way they are” and “a leader is nothing without her team” lessons, yet.

But allowing Lanolin to lash out at the world only to let her hide behind her trauma is a deeply reductive portrayal of trauma survivors that I find aggressively problematic. Further, it is a failure to Lanolin as a character because, again, that is not the fucking point of her.

This is the one time I will ever ask anyone here to just “take my word” for something. I’m not comfortable airing out too much of my personal issues on the internet. But below is what I can share.

I come from a very, very broken home that instilled a lot of unproductive defence mechanisms within me. In short, I used to be very mean because I was neglected, and acting out against my peers and showing off my skills gave me attention.

The big ticket, though, is I thought I was good. I thought I was Great. Awesome. Outstanding. AMAZING. I was a natural-born leader with a drive for justice who was good at a couple things. I thought I was doing everything right because teachers liked me and I was getting opportunities. What I never saw—never could have possibly seen until it was spit right in my face—was how I was treating everyone around me as beneath me because I thought I had it in the bag.

It wasn’t until I learned about a very public smear campaign against me that I got a wake up call. When I saw what people were saying, it shattered my entire paradigm not because of just how heinous it was, but because of how much of it was true—and that broke my heart. All I have ever wanted to do was help people. Fight for people. Protect people. Elevate people. Support people. For me to learn I was doing the exact opposite of what I set out to do absolutely destroyed me.

After that, I immediately switched up my game. I pulled out all the stops and really focused on being kinder, empathetic, and encouraging. I started to become more self-aware and mindful of how my emotions and behaviour impacted others, but it still took years to even start to comprehend that I was traumatized, let alone the ways my trauma impacted my relationships and behaviour.

I used to be Lanolin. I was a mean girl getting progressively meaner from ages 11-17, and I am still in active recovery. I still make mistakes. I still fall from grace occasionally, but I am working on it. I’m almost 24 now.

Remember when this used to be about a cartoon sheep? Back on track LOL.

I promise you that while Lanolin has some moments of clarity, she is not largely aware of what she’s doing. She’s not evil. She is not unworthy of love. She just needs time for the story to let her learn.

I am not saying Lanolin does not deserve a redemption. What I am saying is that down her current path and with her current behaviour, she has not yet earned one. And here’s the thing: even though what I’m about to say probably will not happen because this is a kids comic directed at 12 year olds, just because Lanolin might eventually get her punishment, see the light, and apologize for her wrongs while acting on solutions, no one she hurt owes her forgiveness. Whisper can still tell her to fuck off. Silver can send her to outer space, Sonic 06-style. Tangle can yeet her back to kingdom-wherever the fuck she-come from (hush, I know it’s Riverside). 

Why? Because the reality is that even if you are a changed person and have learned and grown from your past discretions, you still hurt people. Even if they do forgive you, they may never trust, and they will never forget. That is the reality I and many others like me live in daily, and to be frank: I think it’s entirely fair. I made mistakes, and I gotta pay the consequences. I deserve grace and patience, but that can only go so far. The people around me are human the exact same way I am.

I personally believe that I have never misunderstood Lanolin as a character. She’s snarky and inexperienced and abrasive entirely by design. She is meant to showcase the “wrong” ways to be a hero and will be corrected. But just because she is a rough-and-tumble person who had a bad day at work does not mean she can come home and treat the world as her personal shitter. No one has that right.

And if you disagree with me, good! Welcome to MolinaSkies.

[hina-has-no-life]

Dark Era: Dazai and Akutagawa

The Scene in Dark Era where Dazai shoots Akutagawa was abusive and messed up, but sadly justified on Dazai's end.

Now this may sound harsh but let's take a step back from the emotions the scene causes and look at it purely logical and analytical. (No I am not excusing the abuse Akutagawa went through. Dazai had no right to abuse him but this scene is more than abuse.)

What happens in this scene?

Per Dazai's orders as an Executive within the Port Mafia agents from Mimic were captured to be taken to Kouyou for interrogation, as is her department. Akutagawa then kills the hostages in retaliation for the casualties the Mafia suffered at the hands of Mimic. Dazai proceeds to punch and shoot Akutagawa.

In essence this is what happened: Akutagawa disregarded direct orders of his executive in front of multiple people and said executive. Plain and simple, this is insubordination.

We know, due to Stormbringer, that insubordination of the Boss and his executives (who essentially work as extensions of the Boss within the BSD Mafia) is a death sentence. It's at the same level as betrayal.

So, while messed up and abusive, Dazai's reaction can be classified as a mercy. Had it been another executive or Mori, Akutagawa would be dead. And no, you can not use that Chuuya cares for Akutagawa as an argument against Akutagawa dying here were it Chuuya. Chuuya's loyality is to the Mafia and Mori in a situation like this. We saw this at the end of the Guild Arc when Chuuya asked Mori what punishment Akutagawa should face for disregarding Mafia orders and going on to the Moby Dick. Since the moment in Dark Era is a similar case, it is safe to assume Chuuya would have asked Mori for the punishment and then delivered it.

Now here comes the much more interesting part about this scene I sadly do not see talked about. (If you find posts talking about it please send them my way!)

This scene shows us, in a very subtle way, how the dynamic between Akutagawa and Dazai works.

But how? Let's count it: - Akutagawa is very self assured in his insubordination. - Dazai gives him a chance to speak up about his reasoning, to defend himself and ask for forgiveness for his blatant insubordination. - Akutagawa in turn arrogantly doubles down on his decision. - Dazai punishes him.

While Dazai framed the moment at the end as a teaching moment with his comment about Akutagawas use of Rashomon, it is mostly a punishment. Yes there are 2 moments that can be seen as a teaching moment but what Dazai does is in fact nothing more than a punishment in his eyes.

(Giving Akutagawa the chance to think about his rash action was the first teaching moment btw)

Now the way the scene is handeled with it's framing tells us something interesting about the relationship between Dazai and Akutagawa.

Dazai actively favours Akutagawa with his treatment.

But how? It's a good question because the answer is very much hidden.

Both characters treat the situation as something usual. This in turn tells us that Akutagawa often commits insubordination against Dazai. And only Dazai, since Dazai takes him under his wing as his direct and only student. (This is made clear in the short where he actually recruits a younger Akutagawa) This means that Dazai does favour his student above other subordinates rather openly. We know he would not let this slide with other people under his command. The scene at the beginning of the Dark Era LN with Hirotsu shows this.

Akutagawa's reaction to being shot also tells us that this is the first time Dazai points a weapon at him. While not expecting, but accepting, the punch he did not expect to face a harsher punishment than this.

He is visibly surprised. But not just him.

In the Anime adaption (which is the best LN adaption in BSD) we see that even the other subordinates around them only become surprised when Dazai draws the gun and shoots Akutagawa.

Did Dazai think Akutagawa would survive being shot at? 100% yes. He even says as much after the fact.

(This is actually what makes teaching moment number 2, since he remarks that Akutagawa "finally" managed to protect himself with Rashomon. This tells us that they were actively training this and Akutagawa was failing at it for some time already.)

In short: - Akutagawa feels very much secure in his position at Dazai's side, despite the regular abuse. - Dazai favours Akutagawa openly enough within the PM that other subordinates are surprised when Akutagawa faces an openly harsh punishment. - Akutagawa, in committing insubordination, regulary disrespects Dazai as his superior and Dazai let's it slide. This is something that mirrors the relationship between Dazai and Mori, as Dazai does disrespect Mori in private and Mori let's this slide. (The biggest difference in this relationship mirror is that Dazai never disrespects Mori in front of other people.)

In my eyes (and I hope we learn more soon) this also shows that Dazai's abuse of Akutagawa has multiple reasons. - Dazai sees himself in Akutagawa. Dazai also hates himself and blames himself for shortcomings so he projects this onto Akutagawa, who he then abuses because of it. - A warped sense of care. In his own, very fucked up, way Dazai does care for Akutagawa. Is he good at showing it? Absolutely not. He wants Akutagawa to be stronger than Dazai himself is, he wants him to be better. So he favors him but also abuses him. - He favors Akutagawa so Akutagawa needs to get strong extremely fast to avoid a conflict within the ranks of the Mafia. - Dazai tries to get Akutagawa as strong as possible as fast as possible since Akutagawa effectively went from joining to third highest rank in 10 seconds and needs to prove himself in front of everyone else, not just Dazai's eyes. In this he ends up abusing Dazai because he himself is a child with a very limited understanding of teaching. What he does know, through Mori as his teacher, is that cruelty and abuse are effective teaching methods that work faster than proving patience and taking things slow.

(am I saying that Mori physically abused Dazai? No. But he, as shown in Beast and Fifteen, honestly answers to the questions his students ask him. It is entirely possible that he simply told Dazai different teaching methods and Dazai decided on the fastest one instead of the best and most effective.)

and thank you @sorcerersandskillusers for sending me the LN parts I mentioned above!! I didn't have the energy to look them up when I initially posted this and he did me the favor of getting them for me!

To summarize: The scene is a punishment for direct insubordination and shows us, the viewer, a deeper look into the relationship between Akutagawa and Dazai.

[kitthenameless]

Something that I think about a lot when I see arguments about the Emperor, especially in regards to what happened with Ansur, is---

No one offered Balduran/Emperor help. Not really. Ansur tried to cure him at first, but that didn't work, and that was where Ansur's help ended. Whether or not he was or is still Balduran is irrelevant here. He had his own mind away from the Elder Brain, he accepted that his life would be different now, and he still wanted to live. And I don't think he wanted to be evil or go around eating the brains of innocent people. He tells you that he ate criminals (if he's telling the truth), which is not ideal but was probably the best solution he was able to come up with. He wanted to find an ethical way to survive as a mindflayer.

I don't know DnD lore, but in the game, we learn that brains from already dead bodies are a viable option, since you can give one to the mindflayer in the mill. Karlach found a way to get brains from consenting people. Omeluum is trying to make a synthetic food source. There are ethical options and possibilities for freed mindflayers. But no one wanted to help the Emperor figure it out or make it work.

In real life, so often the reason people hurt others or turn to crime is because they just didn't have help or support. Which doesn't make every harmful action excusable. But I can't understand how people can think Ansur was justified in trying to kill him instead of helping him or even just giving him a chance. It hurts me to think how alone Balduran/Emperor must've been in the beginning. And I can't help but wonder if he'd have turned out differently if he'd had any support.

[nonotnolan]

No Not Nolan's Year in Review

Once again, it's time for the traditional "year in review" post. Since I've also been collecting prior years in these posts: here's 2021, here's 2022, and here's 2023. This year has more than 12 posts, and that's because I posted a few shorter stories to celebrate the release of my eBook.

I'm not planning to abandon this account anytime soon, but I'd be lying if the thought hadn't occurred to me once or twice. Every year I'm not sure how much longer I'll be doing this, but then every year the support and feedback I receive keeps me going. So if you ever wonder if notes and reblogs help-- yes, they do motivate me to keep going. But more than that, I'd encourage you to message the authors directly. I'm not always the best at carrying a conversation, but it really does mean a lot whenever I hear from you all.

17) Side Effects - 71 notes - January 2024 Okay, well... I like this one. If you've already caused a lot of irreversible damage... why stop now?

16) Labor and Materials - 83 notes - December 2023 Sometimes I can just sort of tell the photos aren't what the average people are wanting, but I like the text too much to toss out the idea. Mass commercialization of body swapping isn't a new idea by any means, but I love exploring all of the low stakes uses and scenarios that would appear if that technology existed.

15) Shapeshifter's Night Out - 111 notes - January 2024 Honestly, this one was mostly just an excuse to pull out a few of the weirder photos I'd come across. I think it holds up well enough, though.

14) Fiverr Warlock: Holiday Magic - 183 notes - December 2023 The thing about the Fiverr Warlock series is that a lot of story ideas work better without the added baggage of the lore and narrator. This one holds up pretty well, and the photos do exactly what I need them to do, so I'm quite fond of it.

13) The Ends Justify The Means - 204 notes - February 2024 See, I thought this one was great, especially for the Valentine's Holiday. Sometimes I have no idea what the average reader wants from me, and this is a prime example of that. No regrets, though. I'm never going to apologize for striking more sentimental than erotic.

12) Jock Cock, Part 3 - 219 notes - July 2024 Speaking of which... I can't be too surprised something this sentimental didn't do better. But I still love it, and I don't feel bad about it. (It does, however, make me less inclined to write sequels to other works. My idea about how the story continues vs how people want me to continue the story are seldom in alignment.)

11) Drawing Straws - 235 notes - January 2024 I love trait swapping, and I wish I could get inspired to use it more often. I have to be satisfied with an idea before I'll set it to the page-- it needs to have some amount of characterization and plot outside of "hot guy does a hot thing and it's hot" for me to be happy with it-- so trait swaps don't happen too often for me.

10) Treat Day - 241 notes - January 2024 This is my least favorite of the 5 promo-stories, so naturally it's the one that received the most notes. Revenge swaps are hit or miss for me, but needlessly cruel swaps seldom appeal to me. I like the photos, I like the ending wordplay, but overall it's not one of my favorites.

9) Swap Broker: Social Climbing - 250 notes - October 2024 If there's any story whose low placement on the list hurts to see, it's this one-- I absolutely love this one. Photos, concept, resolution, all of it. Ahh, well. A few people asked me what happened to the original Aiden, which I don't have much interest in writing, but... his father would have given him a one time chunk of hush money, which he would have burned through in a matter of months, at which point he'd probably be forced to start doing hard work for the first time in his life. It's not a happy outcome, which is why it's not a story I'm particularly interested in telling.

8) Jock Cock, Part 2 - 285 notes - June 2024 Like I mentioned for Part 3-- I don't regret writing it, even if I don't quite understand why it wasn't as well received. I'm not sorry for mixing sincere emotions into your casual smut-- it was intentional, and it will happen again. Also I've been doing it for the past 5 years, so presumably you noticed me doing that at least once before? I'm sure it's not a photo issue. Anyway.

7) Spring Break - 313 notes - March 2024 I love it when both parties can get what they want out of a body swap. I've had quite a few stories involving out of touch rich people, now that I think about it-- but then, every idea has already been done before if you simplify it enough.

6) Bodily Betrayal - 319 notes - December 2024 I'm so thrilled to be working with photo-manip artists for future detachable limb stories. You all may not be bothered by my attempts to create suitable pictures, but I definitely am. I mean, look at these pics-- head/body swap? Headless with head in hand? I wouldn't have been able to do that without a lot of practice and training.

5) Trial Period - 351 notes - November 2024 I don't do much with ghosts, and I'm honestly not planning to change that anytime soon. Still, I love the idea of supernatural entities shopping around to choose their next host.

4) This Happens all the Time, It's Detachable - 376 notes - August 2024 This is another one that I absolutely adore, and as a bonus it's a detachable story that requires no photo-manip work whatsoever. Obviously, I had to go with the King Missile reference in the title.

3) Roommate Rehab - 407 notes - April 2024 I still think my photo-manip work is clunky, but it gets the job done, and that's what matters. The interesting thing about writing more detachable works is that I'm really not familiar with any of the tropes. I'm so used to subverting expectations when I write body swap fiction, but it's a lot harder to subvert tropes that I don't know.

2) Rush Week - 512 notes - September 2024 I'm glad this one did well, because it's definitely a lot more vulnerable than what I normally write. It's equal parts sincere and sexy, and I adore it. The thought of what stays with the body and what stays with the mind is one of my favorite concepts to explore with body swapping. On a different tangent, it was a lot harder than I thought it would be to find good photos for a twink model that pass tumblr guidelines.

1) Jock Cock, Part 1 - 732 notes - May 2024 This story came out of nowhere and completely surpassed all of my expectations. I have no idea what it is about this story that appealed to so many people-- probably obvious, given how few notes the other parts pulled. Is it the photos? The idea of using an athlete's body for sex without him knowing? Unfulfilled sex-with-teacher fantasies? I sure as hell don't know. Whatever the reason, I'm flattered.

Above 500 Notes - All Time

1) Jock Cock, Part 1 - 732 notes - May 2024 2) Soulmate Swap - 704 notes - August 2022 3) Gym Merchandise - 654 notes - September 2022 4) Overbearing - 572 notes - May 2022 5) Finals Week - 568 notes - May 2021 6) Group Project - 566 notes - November 2023 6) Revenge, Reversed - 540 notes - August 2020 7) Rookie Mistake - 530 notes - May 2023 8) Rush Week - 512 notes - September 2024 8) Information Overload - 501 notes - August 2021

Well, Jock Cock Part 1 has officially dethroned... uhh, literally everything else. Finals Week, my first piece to break the 500 notes mark, is quickly dropping out of the top 5. And some of these works received random resurgences several months (or years!) later, so that's always fun to see.

Enough time has passed that I have a sort of note rubric to determine success. Anything below 100 notes, I consider flopped. 100-300 is average, and 300-500 is a success. So to have this many stories above 500? It feels pretty good.

Here's hoping next year will see more additions to this list!

Special Mentions

Reunion - 151 notes - February 2024 Once again, @mergeman and I wrote each other stories for Valentine's Day. I do really love the idea of a support group for people affected by body swaps.

I'm always honored whenever I end up tagged in someone's recommended post, and @sanzaibian 's compliment of "someone who writes really sweet love stories ^^" is no exception.

Also, like I said earlier-- I live for compliments and discussion, both given and received. If you've dropped a line or responded to one of my outreach attempts, I appreciate you. If we've talked in the past but it's been a few months since you or I sent the last message-- I'm too ADHD for friendships that follow the constraints of linear time. If we go months between messages, know that I still appreciate you.

Is it too cheesy to end this with a "thanks for viewers like you" sentiment? Maybe, but I'm doing it anyway. I'd be having these ideas with or without an outlet for sharing them, so I really do appreciate the likes and reblogs. Here's to another year!

[lovelyyandereaddictionpoint]

If you're currently taking requests, can you please do yandere dorm leaders + Jamil with a demigod reader like from Percy Jackson the readers godly parent can be your choice. If you're not currently taking requests feel free to ignore this

Percy Jackson Reader | Yandere Twisted Wonderland

Child of one of the big three, water bends to your will. And in the oddest moments, your father gives his two senses. Nonetheless, your power earns you a lot of respect and a lot of scorn from the average student. Of course, those interested don’t mind all that much until your powers seem to be an obstacle to your love for them: 

Malleus Draconia

“I see. Your mastery of the sea is impressive. I wonder if we spar who would fare best?”

He wants to engage with your power because it gets him an excuse to take your time 

This also helps him gauge your power against his own

He doesn’t cease his repeated sniping of people that hang around you 

Even if you actually challenge him seriously

He thinks you’re just the cutest

“Fine, my love. If you wish to challenge me let's have a wager. If you win I’ll stop my…warnings. But if I win you will forfeit all rights to speak to others. This is more than fair.”

Idia Shroud

“I feel we’re connected in some odd way…”

“Yeah….”

“Do you want to play COD?”

There’s a weird synergy that has you both respecting one another

He thinks its cool how you can heal up with magic

But his excuse for prying creepily into your privacy+ is justified by his constant experimentation to measure your powers

“W-what this camera? Ha, it’s only to track what you’d do in such a harrowing situation! I-it w-wasn’t b-because your wearing j-just a white shirt.”

Jamil Viper

“You’re a lot like Kalim, I’m sure your just as susceptible.”

“...I uh…get the feeling you’re capable of something…manipulative.”

“Wow, how insightful.”

Your dear old dad is probably the only help your getting with him

He’s often finding himself befriending you 

Despite being caught trying to hypnotize you

He makes a point to use his usual tactic to leave you alone

With plenty of time to come and hang out with him

“Scarabia’s the perfect setting, not a whole lot of water for their father to stay anything.”

Kalim Al Asim

“Yay! Twinsies!”

He’s so happy that you have an affinity for water just like him

He can’t make weapons like you do or heal yourself with it

But he thinks it's pretty cool

It's even cooler that you get really cuddly weak if you stay in Scarabia long enough

“Awww why don’t you stay! I promise I’ll bring the water as soon as we finish our carpet ride!”

Vil Schoenheit

“I doubt that. If you really were the child of Poseidon I doubt he’d let you walk around with skin as dehydrated as yours.”

“Gee thanks, Vil.”

“Yup that’s what I’m here for.”

He knows he’d never be able to overpower you

But he’s not all that hurt

Where you can pride yourself on your strength it doesn’t do anything against his finesse and intellect

Which he prefers

because what power couple doesn’t complement one another with their flaws and strengths

And while you may be willing to entertain these invasive welps bold suitors

He’s not so lenient

“Where you wish to merely scare them off, I wish to punish them. It’s only a given that we mirror one another, in the method.” 

Leona Kingscholar

“Join Savvannaclaw, you herbivore. You still have some evolving you can do.”

Strong mates are always fought for in life

And to make his mark he has to sand fight off the competition

The next part will be winning your heart or successfully taming you

Just give him time, he’ll make it happen

One way or another

“Ha let’s exercise I want to see how far you’re willing to go.”

Azul Ashengrotto

“With your kind of power…you could overthrow the entire empire within the coral sea!”

“Uh, I guess.”

“You guess? (Y/n), we could bring all of those who laughed at me to their knees. Metaphorically speaking.”

“They…bullied you?”

“...”

“Aww Azul…”

“S-shut up! Let’s just put them all in their place beneath you”

He loves you immensely 

And while he may seem that he’s always aiming to slip you into a contract for ‘sea conquering’ 

He’s after something more

He’s after you

His pearl, his angelfish, he wants to be your plus one as you right the world

“Ho ho what a predicament. Why don’t we negotiate the subject of payment, after the broken china incident with Grim, we wouldn’t want you to fall into debt.”

Riddle Rosehearts

“I hardly believe your dyslexia is attributed to such a trait.”

“Bet. Write something in Greek I can do it.”

“...I stand corrected.”

“Ha see?!”

“Nonetheless you’re in desperate need of my studying prowess. Come to Heartslabyul.”

He is enamored by you 

The powers and heritage just add another layer

But he finds you are lacking for someone so kind

Or rather that you don’t have conviction

In your studies or in your boundaries

You don’t need to worry he’ll do that for you

Collaring anyone who gives threatening looks  and any look in general

“Off with your head! I decree that you will be punished for the breaking of the Queen’s law: that no one touches the Ramshackle prefect but you’re queen!”

[brucewaynehater101]

All of this is just so. Chefs kiss. I do have another layer of angst and a layer of comedy. After all, the angst stops hitting as hard if you don't have something light hearted to compare it to. After all, how can you know what darkness is if you have never seen light?

I said at the start that Tim gives discounts for secrets. He always seems to be able to tell when people lie and those that do tell him lies well. Bad things happen to them. Nothing can be directly traced back to Jane Doe, but everyone knows. Of course this does lead to some rouges and GCPD pigs trying to intimidate Jane into telling them what she knows. Everytime, Jane offers to play a game with them. 5 rounds, whoever does the rounds gets to ask the questions and no one else but others can listen. Should the challenger win a round, they get to ask one question and Jane promises to answer truthfully. If they win two, he will answer two and so on. They only get a 30 second break between each round and the Playlist is set to shuffle.

Tim lays out these rules and once the person agrees, thinking it's either a fight or sex, only then does Tim reveal they will be playing Dance Dance Revolution that Tim "upgraded" so it has the four diagonal pads too instead of the usual just 4 pads. He sets it to max difficulty for Rouges, second highest for everyone else. The most anyone has ever gotten is when Harley managed to ask Jane to questions.

Of course there are rules about the questions, like you can't ask Jane for any of their own personal details, and if Jane doesn't know the answer to a question you get one do over question. Joker has never threatened to hurt Jane over the way they sell secrets back with DDR because he thinks it's the funniest possible way to humiliate people who demand answers. Sometimes he has his henchmen challenge Jane knowing they'll lose just to laugh at them as they fail.

But on the flip side. Do you think any of the Rouges, before they knew Jane was Robin ever hired Jane? Tim would *hate* it but... those he goes on dates with are often very loose lipped about things and one time he got paid to just hang off a drug dealer's arm all night and look pretty while the guy drank. The guy was a *very* talkative drunk and after he passed out Tim was able to look through his shit with the potential excuse of "im just looking for the bathroom sweetheart~" of course none of the Rouges would ever hire Jane if they knew how old he was but Tim doesn't advertise that. Especially if he's been on the street for a few years at that point and has a reputation. He has to be at least 20, right? Right? Plus the mask and the fact it has a filter to obscure his voice he's just... there was no way for them to know, right? They can justify it to themselves all they want but if a Rouge did, they would definitely feel Really Gross.

Yeah! You've got to have some light-hearted or happy moments to really drive in that angst.

For Jane's age, it definitely depends on the Rogue and their characterization. Correct me if I'm wrong, but I'm pretty sure Black Mask was a bit creepy to Steph when he was torturing here. So, whether or not they would feel gross/horrified depends on who it was.

I can see how they wouldn't have known (especially if Jane refused to answer questions about themself including age).

As far as the Dance Dance Revolution? That's a brilliant idea. I wonder if he's ever practiced that with YJ or Dick. I could definitely see then doing that. It would be a cute bonding activity (until they learn he used it as a form of protection).

[orange-orchard-system]

This is probably controversial, idk. But I do think, for those of us celebrating the death of That One CEO, we should be cautious about how we treat and talk about his death. Not for any particular "all life is sacred" reason or anything like that (I'm not going to comment on whether you should or should not be happy about this), but because these exact feelings have been used to justify many murders of people who haven't done anything like what he did. If you're celebrating anything here, it should be "someone who was hurting lots of others won't be able to do that anymore" or "people are finally taking direct action against those who were thought to be and acted as though they were untouchable regardless of what they did to others", not just "someone I hate and who did bad shit died". If you fall into the latter, well, then you're just approving of violence against anyone you hate, and that's dangerous, because you can be made to hate anyone.

Tapping the Garfield sign as I repeat that: you can be made to hate anyone. Violence in the name of activism, progress, or a general "we won't take this shit anymore" attitude can easily turn into violence in the name of hate, especially since, for many of us, we're driven at least in part by hatred of those who have hurt us and those we care about over and over. All it takes is some scapegoating we don't catch, and we can be turned against each other – against innocents, against people who may not be perfect but certainly don't deserve death – in the name of a cause we thought would benefit us all.

I'm especially cautious about this due to violence against and hatred of Jewish people; I've seen a lot of antisemitic violence on the rise lately, especially as random Jewish folk just going about their lives are blamed for harm they literally could not possibly be contributing to, and I think it's important that we all keep our excitement or other emotional reactions from turning into fervor or bloodlust, because they're often the victims of it. This goes doubly because of how integral wealth is to this conversation; the stereotype of Jewish folk as "greedy rich elites", which has been taught to everyone over and over and over, may cause your mind to jump to conclusions about "who else" could be described as "enjoys hurting countless others just to fill their own pockets". I promise you the answer to that question is not your Jewish neighbor down the street. Teach yourself to take a chill pill when you're getting worked up about these sorts of things so that you aren't just going after the nearest target you've been fed lies about your whole life – lies that cause this minority group [that many want dead and gone] to conveniently match profiles with the people you have many legitimate complaints about (and I say "conveniently", because there's many out there who would be more than happy to turn you against Those Evil Rich Jews (who they also happen to hate) instead of those actually in power pulling the same sort of shit That One CEO did. Don't fall for it).

Do not let your excitement over direct action turn into excitement for violence against anyone you can excuse hurting. Especially since we have already been taught there are groups of people we can excuse hurting – getting caught up in the rush of hurting those who "deserve it" is almost always going to lead to hurting people from these groups. Whether or not you're happy about these events, don't get radicalized into bigoted violence by an act against one very rich and particularly awful bastard.

[leezlelatch]

There seems to be some discourse lately about content, the kind of content, and the community as a whole. Now, the last thing I want to do is stir up anything, but I had some thoughts that I'd like to type out, and I appreciate whomever decides to read it.

The purpose of this band is to make us happy. You've heard it time and time again, as long as we go home at the end of that show feeling just a little better, then TF is satisfied. And it seems like lately that happiness is hard to achieve here, on twitter, or wherever else one is active.

On Headcanon

Were you sitting at work today? Home? And suddenly that thought popped into your head, a little scene playing out about Copia, or Terzo, or Secondo, or Primo. A thought that filled you with excitement, butterflies dancing in your belly, which had you smiling because yes, in the world that makes you happy, that is what they are like. That is what they do. That is what they say. It's an amazing thing and it's good and okay, and you should be excited about it. Because you just added another chapter to the amazing story in your head. And you decide to post about it, but...someone left you an anon. Someone left you a comment. Someone vague posted. And it hurt.

This is happening far too often across tumblr, and it needs to come to a close. I understand that we all have vastly different ideas of who the Papas are and how the Ministry works, but that does not give a single one of you an excuse to say anything untoward or foul to anyone else on this platform. And this isn't talking about any particular group because more often than not, posts like this are used to justify the actions of others. You do not have permission to use this to further your agenda. Be kind. Choose to ignore that fic. Choose to stay off that person's blog. Stop making posts at the expense of others just because you don't like a particular aspect of their world.

I promise you'll still be able to sleep at night.

On F! Reader and x Reader Fic

I have seen many posts since I joined tumblr to write for the Ghost fandom that express a dislike toward reader fics, and in particular f! reader fics. I can't speak for anyone else, but I'd like to just reflect on my own thoughts on the matter, and once again, I appreciate the time taken to read and perhaps understand where I'm coming from, and know that it is a place of care.

I am a woman. When I write fic, I am writing it to satisfy my own little world in my head. So naturally, I am going to make the reader female, because the universal you is not only the friends I share it with or those kind enough to read, but the you is me. Every sweet word whispered, or gentle touch from a Papa is something I wish would happen to me.

I do not have the right to invade someone else's perspective. I do not understand what it is to be a gay man. I do not understand what a trans person experiences every day, and therefore, I do not feel like it is my place to write these perspectives in an x reader fic, or more so than that, in smut. And otherwise, I'm just not comfortable in doing so. I know my experience, and isn't the first step of writing, writing what you know?

I want there to be inclusivity in writing, but that doesn't start with attacking other authors for writing from their own perspective. It doesn't start with making hostile posts about reader fics, because what's the outcome? You just end up with some people very hurt and unwilling to post their stories because they think it's unwanted.

If you feel comfortable exploring these topics, talk to your mutuals. Say hey, what can I do to gain a better understanding of the content that I'm writing? What can I do to ensure that I'm not fetishizing due to my lack of knowledge? Be a community, and help each other out.

On Notes and Reblogs

A note is not the value of your writing. Whether you receive just a few or hundreds, you have impacted someone. Someone loved your story. Someone is thinking about your story all day. Someone was able to make it through because that one thing line you wrote spoke volumes to them.

We put so much of our energy into worrying about notes that the reason we started writing in the first place is lost. It becomes a chore. There are a hundred WIPs sitting in our folders because it becomes so goddamn painful just to work on one.

No one owes you a reblog. No one owes you a like. And even though it's nice, and it's gratifying to see nice comments on something you worked hard on, notes cannot be used as a currency between followers or mutuals. It just becomes a poison. Your entire tumblr experience is going to be marred by the constant worry that you aren't good enough just based on a number.

Learn to appreciate the ones who do read. Allow your story to make you feel good because there it is! That thing you've been thinking about. It's written down. You brought it to life. That is far more valuable than a tumblr note.

If you've reached this point, thank you. Everything you're feeling is good, and okay, and we're gonna get through. Because even now? When it feels like things are more hostile than happy? You still have Ghost. And you still have everything.

[qweerhet]

i do think that the abolitionists who cling to the "it's simple, just kick abusers/assaulters/rapists/murderers out of the community" line are just... usually people who have never had the experience of someone they deeply, deeply care for, someone they have committed their life to, committing serious and egregious harm. (that, or they have, and like anti-abortion folks who get abortions for themselves when push comes to shove, they come up with narratives about how their situation was the most singular and special situation in the entire world, and nothing else like that could ever happen to anyone else.)

but like... when you run into that situation IRL, you generally find it's not ever as simple as kicking someone out, or rolling up with your crew and beating them until they promise to move somewhere else. they have complex relationships within the community, some of which aren't going to be willing to cut them off entirely no matter what they did. family relationships--regardless of biology, "family" in the broader sense of "chosen bonds of unconditional love and lifelong commitment"--are notably often capable of weathering severe strain, and that can include shit like "you're still my sister even if you murdered someone."

and people who commit harm IRL have complex and multifaceted reasons for committing that harm, some of which can be systemic in nature. this isn't to say that the harm doesn't exist, or that their actions are excused or justified by those reasons, but when you have an intimate relationship with someone and are privy to the complexities of the situation, those reasons do often materially complicate situations beyond just "beat the villain up and save the victims." if the serious harm someone is enacting is materially pressured by systemic factors, it's incredibly unlikely that it will change or stop if they're forced to move cities and cut off from their former relationships. in fact, when we're talking about abuse and trauma that's partially enacted due to material systemic pressure, it's more likely that someone will become even more unstable and volatile when forced to rebuild their life, and continue to enact even worse harm due to their decreased supports and increased vulnerability.

like... we're all damn well aware that when we, as abolitionists, talk about this shit, we're not talking about jeff bezos. we're not even talking about joe smith two neighborhoods over with a six-figure salaried position and a 401k that he started in the 70s. we're talking about the people in our abolitionist communities, who are victim to generational poverty, who are usually disabled, trans, nonwhite. we're people who don't have the option to just find a new job and start over in a new city one day. and we're people who exist at the nexus of intense, violent societal pressures pushing us to harm one another, to use what little hierarchical power we can get against each other, to commit real and lasting violent harm. that shit is complex in reality. that shit isn't addressed by a pithy "kill your local rapist" patch or a tweet questioning why anyone's still talking to [insert transfem who abused someone here].

and like. it's hard! it's upsetting and difficult and miserable to get into the weeds of "why did someone do what awful thing they did and how do we actually materially reduce the likelihood of that happening." because the answers usually don't involve forcing them to move or forcing everyone who speaks to them to cut them off or beating them, in reality, and even though those answers feel good and feel like real solutions, they're not only unrealistic, they also usually actually make future harm of the same kind more likely. and it's hard to wrap our heads around the fact that people will continue to hurt each other in profoundly horrific ways until we learn to dismantle the systems enabling that harm and heal the dysfunction within individuals that makes them feel like that harm was justifiable and necessary. that sucks. but in the end, i think it's the only... realistic way forward? because the ~just kick em out~ ~just kill em~ line is so, so ungrounded in reality.

[am-i-the-asshole-official]

Am I (33, f) the asshole for bringing up a childhood story that made my cousin (36, f) uncomfortable in front of others?

Obviously based on the title alone, I'm an asshole, but I think I might be justified and would like a second opinion.... thanks!

So a little back story for context....I love my cousin. I truly do. We all grew up together so all of us are more like sisters than cousins. my cousin is beautiful, loud, and boisterous. She's loves to get attention and will try to get it anywhere she can. She posts on FB multiple times a day about her job, kids, or relationship. She's the golden child and she tries her hardest to live up to that reputation. She's the type of person who will get out of her car after a good song dancing and singing at the top of her lungs, especially if there are other people around to watch her, much to her kids dismay lol. She just knows how to have a good time and I honestly love that about her. I tend to be more reserved and relaxed, so I get a kick out of our differences.

But with that, she tends to be.... disingenuous... when someone steals the spot light from her, even when it's unintentional (which is the majority of the time, like they will just be sharing a story from work or something). She will act unbothered by it, but then her attitude will totally change. she will be fake nice and then bring up something that will make the person either embarrassed or want to retreat... then go right back to being content when the attention is back on her again. She does it so often, I kind of expect it to happen every time we hang out.

So here's the part where I may be the asshole... we're at a playzone for one of our other cousins kids' birthday and we're in a good handful sized group of adults chit chatting. A few people I've never met before but she knows them and we were all getting along just fine.

People tend to naturally be drawn to me because I try to be open and get along with most people, so I've been on the receiving end of my cousin's attitude a handful of times and this was one of those times lol. I'm typically not bothered by it because I'm a pretty confident person for the most part and I know my cousin well enough not to take it personally, but this time annoyed me because this is now the 5th time she's bringing this story up. It was like she didn't get the reaction out of me that she wanted the first 4 times, so now she really needed to land it this time. So I gave her a reaction....

A few minutes before I was sharing a story that the others were impressed by, I guess, but we moved on from it and I didn't think any more of it. Then while we were all talking, I believe I excused myself because I let out a small burp. So she goes, loudly so the group can hear, "do you remember when you were 6 and you were crying to your dad because your butt was itchy and you wanted him to scratch it? I don't know why, but your burp reminded me of that". So I'm like "ok? So?" Kids cry for stupid shit all the time and I was a stupid kid lmao. So I brushed it off but she decided to keep pushing it! And was like "yeah you were crying because you didn't want to scratch your ass and you sat there crying until it went away"

I was and still am unbothered by the story she brought up but I was more than a bit annoyed that she wouldnt let it go, so without much thinking I said "no I don't remember that as clearly as you do.... But I do remember my sister slapping the fuck out of you for saying something racist (we're half Asian) and out of pocket. Then you cried to your mama then she told your mom that you were lucky that all you got was a slap to the face... do you remember that?" She went ghost white, looked around the group and said "family is funny like that, huh?"

So am I the asshole for bringing up a story that made my cousin uncomfortable?

What are these acronyms?

[sixhours]

i know you by heart - chapter 4

Series Chapter Index | Read on AO3 | Complete

Rating: Explicit, 18+, here be smut Series tags: The Last of Us, The Last of Us (HBO), Prospect, Joel Miller x Ezra, Joel & Ellie, Ezra & Cee, Joel is bad at feelings and relationships, Ellie is a little shit (affectionate), mostly follows canon after season 1, SMUT, gay sex, bisexual!Joel, period-typical homophobia, light angst, romance, age gap (~10ish years), I've probably forgotten some so please let me know <3

Chapter notes: Y'all, this whole story is easily the smuttiest thing I've ever written. You're welcome. Look for the ++++SMUT+CUT++++s if you want to avoid it.

Here's some happy stuff before things get a li'l rocky.

He justifies it by telling himself it was a one-time thing.

When it happens again three days later, this time pinned to Ezra’s bed by his dark eyes and mouth moving over him, he tells himself it’s just sex.

And when it keeps happening with a certain regularity–not frequently, but enough to establish a pattern–he tells himself he’s doing her a favor, not complicating their lives with…whatever this is.

But something in Joel has woken from a long slumber. He and Ezra keep a friendly distance in public, but it’s easy to give in to the want that’s always simmering, and more than once he finds himself pulling Ezra into a secluded alley or the darkness of the greenhouse shed, frantic as teenagers among the rakes and buckets and bags of soil. He feels like a kid again, new and fumbling and overeager. If Ezra notices, he doesn’t seem to mind.

They don’t get much time. Once a week, twice if they’re lucky, on the days when patrols and work assignments line up and Ellie and Cee are otherwise occupied. Ellie has friends now, a group to hang out with after chores and school. Some days it seems like he only sees her as she’s walking out the door. It’s a natural separation that’s healthy for a kid her age…is what he tells himself. But her pulling away from him is almost a physical pain, necessary as it is.

The loneliness needs somewhere to go.

They meet at Ezra’s place more often than not. Cee’s room is in the attic, Ezra tells him, and she likes her privacy. When she’s at home, she spends most of her time with her headphones on. She’s a writer; he says this with more than a note of pride in his voice, and Joel thinks Ezra downplays his fatherly inclinations.

He learns Ezra can wax poetic about everything under the sun. Joel usually isn’t much for conversation, but he finds the constant chatter soothing. He rarely needs to do more than nod or grunt in acknowledgment while the other man listens to himself talk. It’s a lot like being with Ellie…in some ways.

But Ezra likes to use his mouth for other things.

Sporadic days of furtive touches and meaningful glances soon turn into weeks, and eventually, Joel can’t even make the excuses sound legitimate to himself…but he still doesn’t tell her.

The creek on the far side of the south quadrant is calm and warmer than usual for this time of year; perfect grounds for Ellie to learn. They trod a well-worn path through the overgrown park, past the south fields and grazing area, their towels slung over his shoulder. He’d found a pair of swim trunks and a rash guard for Ellie at the trading post, and he’s wearing the swimsuit of his youth, an old tank top and jeans cut off at mid-thigh.

The air is warm, lush with the scent of green things, early summer temperatures setting everything to bloom. Sun filters through the trees and dapples the ground as Ellie skips ahead.

Last night, limbs heavy and sated and tangled together with Ezra’s, he’d mentioned the creek in the south quad, the swimming lessons, the hope for good weather. He might have set down a time, and if Ezra and Cee happened to join them for an afternoon swim, all the better.

“It’s fucking freezing,” Ellie remarks, wading into the water up to her calves. “Why do I have to do this again?”

“Swimmin’s a good skill to have.”

What he doesn’t say: There’s a museum on the outskirts of Yellowstone. Someday he’ll take her to see the dinosaurs, and she’s gonna need to be able to swim to get there.

What he definitely won’t say: He’ll take any chance to spend extra time with her.

“On your back,” he says, now waist-high in the water, and Ellie scowls.

“You’re gonna drown me, aren’t you? Finally had enough of me. Gonna leave my body in the river and let it wash out to sea to cover the evidence.”

“You seen any oceans around here? No, I’m gonna teach you, if you’d stop yappin’. C’mon, lean back. M’not gonna let you go under.”

One hand behind her shoulders, the other under her thighs. “Take a deep breath. Put your arms out. There ya go.”

She lays back, squints up into the sky, winces and flounders to put her feet down when she feels him pulling away.

“You’re floatin’ already,” he grins. “Stop flailin’ around and you’ll stay up.”

“No, I won’t!”

“You will,” he says. “Try again.”

She does. She’s on her back, gentle current lapping at her prone form as Joel’s hands slowly retreat, leaving her buoyant.

Footsteps on the path, a familiar tuft of white hair and tan skin emerging onto the pebbled beach. 

“Hello, young prodigy…and just Joel.”

“Hey Ezra! Look, I’m–”

She turns her head and raises her hand to wave, upsetting the delicate balance, immediately plunging beneath the surface of the water. She’s sputtering and swearing as Joel pulls her up.

“Told you to stay flat,” Joel says mildly. “Hey, Ez.”

Ezra peels off his t-shirt and tosses it on the shore, then dives under, coming up and shaking the water off his hair like a dog.

“How do you even swim like that?”

“Jesus, Ellie,” Joel sighs.

“Quite easily, gem,” Ezra says, turning on his side and gliding through the water, moving toward the deeper part of the creek.

Ellie wrinkles her nose. ��Show off.”

“If I can do it one-armed, I suspect you can best me with two,” he says, flicking water in her direction, making her giggle.

“You ready to try again?” Joel asks her.

“Ugh, fine,” she says, but she’s on her back and floating within minutes, grinning up into the bright blue sky.

Joel shows her how to backstroke, then she gets brave and turns to her front. Joel keeps one hand under her belly at first, but soon she’s kicking away from him with a laugh, pulling herself through the water without touching the creekbed.

Eventually, Joel excuses himself to the pebbled beach, spreads his towel out, peels off the wet tank, and lets the sun beat down on his bare shoulders while he watches Ellie practice her dog paddle. Ezra swims alongside her like a seal, encouraging and–though she insists it’s not necessary–spotting her. Sometimes he meets Joel’s eyes and his smile is warmer than the mid-summer sunshine.

Ezra joins him a few minutes later, sprawling wet and dripping on his towel with a satisfied grunt.

“Cee couldn’t make it?”

“She’s an introverted sort. Likes her solitude and quiet.”

Joel arches an eyebrow. “An’ the poor girl ended up with you?”

Ezra pulls a face. “I can’t deny, the fates have a peculiar sense of humor.”

“Joel, look!”

Ellie dives under and the water churns around her, then pops up a few feet downstream. 

“Told ya you’d float, kiddo. Keep your legs straight when you kick.”

“I do believe your young prodigy has taken to the water like the finest of aquatic mammals.”

“You could just say she likes to swim, Ez.”

“I scrimped and saved my hard-earned pay for the use of these academic adverbs, songbird, and I intend to get my money’s worth.”

“Y'know those student loan assholes are all dead, right?”

Ezra grins. “And a well-deserved death it was, the bastards.”

Joel feels Ezra’s hand slip gently over his and squeeze. Joel squeezes back before pulling away reluctantly, nodding toward Ellie.

“She, uh…she don’t know…yet.”

“All in good time, then,” Ezra says easily, tucking his arm under his head and closing his eyes. Joel tucks his chin on his shoulder, watches the man’s chest rise and fall as the water makes little tracks down his sides, feels a gentle tug of longing in his gut.

When he looks back to the water, Ellie is nowhere to be seen and the creek is quiet.

“Ellie?”

Look away for one goddamned second…

“Ellie!”

He’s up and waist deep in the water when her head breaks the surface to his left.

“Gotcha, motherfucker,” she crows.

Joel’s heart restarts in his chest. “Christ, kid, don’t fuckin’ do that to me.”

She giggles. “Got you back in here, didn’t it?”

“Shaved a few years off my life, y’mean,” he growls, hands darting out to grab her around the waist before she can get away. He lifts her up as high as he can and tosses her unceremoniously into the water to the sounds of her shrieked protests.

“You jerk!”

A small tidal wave slaps him in the face, leaves him swiping at his eyes and making for the shore. She tackles him from behind, arms around his shoulders, legs around his waist, leveraging herself onto his back like a baby monkey.

Joel catches Ezra’s eye, head rolled to one side, watching them with a smirk. Joel throws him a wink before turning his attention back to Ellie, hooking his hands under her knees and easily tossing her off his back.

“Dude, it is on ,” she says when she can speak again.

And if the swim practice eventually dissolves into a splash fight, well, that’s alright by him.

“Are you, like, seeing Ezra or something?”

Ellie meets him at the stables after patrol to help settle the horses. They walk home together, Joel achy and tired from a full day on the trails, Ellie talking about the latest drama among her friends, when she asks the question.

Joel has to force himself to keep walking and not trip over his own feet, finding it suddenly hard to make his mouth formulate a response and move his body at the same time. “I don’t–we aren’t–”

“I mean, it’s fine if you are, dude,” she shrugs. “You’re just over there every week.”

“How did you–”

“He’s good to talk to,” she continues, kneeling to examine something on the road; a caterpillar. Joel watches as she picks up a nearby leaf, carefully scoops up the critter, and carries it safely to a patch of grass.

“You don’t…you’re okay with that?”

She wrinkles her nose. “Why would I care if you’re talking with him?”

“Right,” Joel rasps, tongue like sandpaper in his mouth. “Talking. Right, yeah. We…talk.”

It’s not a lie, Joel decides, because they are technically talking.

In bed.

Naked.

After all the not talking.

Fuck.

He needs to tell her. He’s going to tell her.

“Ellie, I–”

She spins on her heel, walking backward to listen to him, head cocked. “What?”

Before he can figure out what to say, she stumbles on a large rock, flailing. He’s just barely fast enough, grabbing her by the arm before she falls on her ass. She laughs as he pulls her close to steady her, keeps her there in a one-armed hug.

“Watch where you’re goin’, kid.”

When she looks up at him, her eyes are bright with affection. There’s color in her cheeks and she’s filled out with three square meals a day and a routine and she looks so…happy.

Maybe it’s the way her head tips back against his shoulder, reminding him of how it laid almost that way when he carried her from the hospital. His throat closes with shame at the thought.

Swear to me.

He can’t do it. Can’t tell her, not yet. Not when she has something–someone–stable for the first time in her life.

“S’nothin’,” he mutters, gently dislodging her from his arm, steadying her on her feet. “Let’s go home.”

Joel returns home from a late-night patrol shift exhausted and ready to fall into bed. He trudges through the door to a note on the kitchen table. 

“At D’s, Tommy said was OK - Love Ellie”

Love Ellie.

He smiles at that, feels the warm fuzzy grip of it resonate in his chest.

Suddenly not so tired, he takes a quick shower to wash off the day and goes to Ezra’s. He lets himself in, tiptoeing up the stairs, undressing in the dark.

“Songbird?” Ezra murmurs just as he’s slipping under the covers, curling naked around his lean body and nuzzling the back of his neck.

“Sorry,” Joel whispers. “Was tryin’ not to wake you.”

“On the contrary, mon cœur , I’m glad you did,” Ezra mumbles, reaching behind them to press the length of Joel’s body closer. Joel lets his hand trail up and down Ezra’s stomach and chest, firmer than his own, not as softened by middle age. His finger grazes the pebbled skin of one nipple and Ezra sucks in a breath.

“Mmm, I do hope you’ve crept into my bed tonight with less than gentlemanly intentions.”

“Think we can make that work,” he grunts, letting his fingers travel further south, slipping beneath the waistband of Ezra’s boxers.

“Ahh, delightful,” he groans as he takes him in hand.

+++++++++++++++++++++SMUT+CUT++++++++++++++++++++++

Joel growls in wordless agreement as he cups the velvet-soft skin of Ezra’s growing erection, holds him, traces the line from the tip of his head to the base of his shaft. He plants open-mouthed kisses along the column of his neck, the planes of his shoulderblades, tasting the salt and sweet of him. He drags the rough of his stubble against the shell of his ear until Ezra’s hips jerk forward of their own volition. With his own arousal aching and nestled between Ezra’s thighs, he sets a steady, easy rhythm with his hand, relishing every little moan and gasp of pleasure as he whispers nonsense and filth into his ear until he spills warm and sticky into Joel’s palm.

+++++++++++++++++++END+SMUT+CUT++++++++++++++++++++

After, he falls asleep with the younger man on top of him, Ezra’s cheek pressed to his stomach, fingers threaded in his curls.

He wakes some unknown time later, momentarily confused. The sex is familiar but the staying after is new. It takes another few seconds to get his bearings. Ezra is gone, and somewhere a girl is crying. Ellie? No…Cee.

He catches faint sounds overhead; Ezra’s baritone, low and soothing. Cee’s voice fading to quiet. Eventual footsteps.

Joel is still sitting up in bed when he returns. Ezra looks surprised to see him.

“I hope the little bird didn’t wake you.”

Joel shrugs. “Nothin’ new. She alright?”

Ezra nods and bites his lip. “She’ll make do. Fragments of the past come back to haunt us in dreams. We do our best to banish them, but…”

He trails off, lingers at the side of the bed, troubled.

“Ellie has ‘em,” Joel says, settling back against the pillows. “The nightmares. Not as bad now, but it was rough for a spell.”

“Mmm. The child suffers the sins of the father,” Ezra murmurs, as if lost in his thoughts.

“Thought y’said you ain’t her father,” he says, arching an eyebrow.

“I’m not. But I knew her father…in a different life. And his sins were none too dissimilar to my own...”

After a pause, Joel puts out a hand. “You gonna stand there and sulk or are you gonna get over here and tell me about it?”

“Shall I regale you with the tale of your favorite one-armed scoundrel and his trusty sidekick?” Ezra sighs, allowing himself to be pulled into bed.

“Who says you’re my favorite?”

That draws a dry laugh. “I wasn’t aware Jackson had another such resident traipsing about to compete for my affections.”

“Y’don’t,” he mutters, kissing the bridge of Ezra’s nose.

“Very well. But I’ll warn you, this story doesn’t paint me in a respectable light. In fact, I do believe it might cause you to–”

“Ez,” he says pointedly.

This earns him a side-eyed glare. He clears this throat.

“Cordyceps certainly brought out our baser instincts, and I was no different. We’re all apex predators underneath this…gauze of societal finery. Some of us are just better at it than others,” Ezra says, leveling his gaze at Joel. “Do you understand me, songbird?”

“Yeah…I hear ya.”

“No clinical text can prepare one for the end of polite society. I have, perhaps, walked the hair’s breadth of a line between lawful and not, but the end of the world turned a new page in the story of my life. Eat or be eaten, kill or be killed…and I knew which side of that equation I preferred.

“I fell in with a rough and tumble crowd after I found the overbearing drudgery of the Atlanta QZ…not to my tastes. At times, I could perceive my life as an observational case study in human behavior. I could separate myself from the…humanity of it. It was almost too easy to detach.”

His eyes have gone cold and pensive, his jovial, boyish mask forgotten as he speaks. 

“There were a number of us…mostly men, a few women. The leader of our group was a man named Damon, and one of the women bore him a daughter before she passed. No doubt you see where this is going.”

Joel absently traces the lines and ridges of his hands, their warmth and softness in stark contrast to his words.

“That young girl’s name is Cee. And though the life of a raider was no place for a child, Cee was afforded a certain degree of…protection. But her father was a self-obsessed fool, too concerned with holding onto whatever meager power he could lord over the rest. Textbook narcissist, if you’ll allow me to don my psychotherapist’s cap for a moment. Cee was but another resource he could use to his advantage, and when he couldn’t…he didn’t give a shit, if you’ll pardon my French.

“He didn’t see the way the other men looked at her, or if he did, he didn’t…care to see,” he says, swallowing hard.

“I feel I should clarify before I continue that I’m not a good man, songbird. I was party to some abominable acts of treachery. I sat idly by while our women were used as toys, as bait…often worse. I had no interest in the fairer sex, but I was hardly their knight in shining armor.”

He takes a deep breath and lets it out in a controlled rush.

“I happened to be in the wrong place at the right time. She was cornered. One of the brutes clearly intended to have his way with her. So I disposed of him…my knife found the socket of his eye,” he says coldly. “To this day I harbor no regrets, but I knew we would both regret the punishment when it came.

“I admit, I wasn’t in my right mind. Or perhaps I was. I was seeing clearly the man I had become, the lows to which I had sunk, and I…couldn’t fathom being at my own mercy any longer.

“So I stood at the precipice of a new life and I…I offered her a choice. Stay with her father and his ilk to suffer the same fate, or come with me. And though I still don’t pretend to understand why…she chose yours truly.

“We all have our lines in the sand, songbird. Cee was mine.”

“I dunno,” Joel murmurs. “Think she did alright.”

Ezra offers a soft, sad smile. “It was winter. We were unprepared. We left what little we had behind and stole away that very night. But Lady Luck has followed me most of my life, and we always seemed to find a little extra, my birdie and I. We made it further than we had any right to.

“When the fine citizens of Jackson stumbled upon us, your esteemed sister-in-law among them, we were in a very sorry state indeed. I was ready to succumb to whatever whimsies they fancied. I suspect they might have preferred to put me down like a rabid dog, and I could scarcely blame them. But then…Cee protected me. Threw herself in front of a cocked gun and begged for my life.

“And so I remain steadfastly in her debt, songbird. I can’t claim to understand how to…to care for a girl like Cee, not in the way she deserves to be cared for. Truth be told, she’s wiser and more courageous than I could ever hope to be. But I have to try. She’s brought out something better in me, something…something I hardly know what to do with. Do you understand?”

“I do,” Joel whispers.

“I know you do. When I told you I sensed a kindred spirit, I didn’t just mean this,” he whispers, bringing Joel’s hand to his lips, brushing the faintest kiss along his knuckles. “I see the same in you and your young prodigy. Am I wrong?”

Joel purses his lips. “No.”

He nods. “Then I suppose the question becomes, how much good must one do to make up for a lifetime of atrocity? And will they understand when it’s time for us to pay the piper?”

Joel thinks of the long hospital hallways, the easy dependability of his hands as he fired round after round, each shot an echo of his own steady heartbeat, every one bringing him closer to Ellie. He tries and fails to find a shred of remorse in it, even now.

“We did the worst so they don’t have to,” Joel says softly. “If that ain’t a kind of forgiveness…I don’t know what is.”

Ellie’s 16th birthday is a barbeque in the backyard. Her friends come over–Dina and Jesse and Cee and a couple others, all of them clustered around games of horseshoes and cornhole, sneaking sips of beer when they think the adults aren’t looking.

Joel gives her her present the morning before the party when it’s just the two of them; a refurbished guitar upon which he’s carved twining vines and butterflies. He’d spent hours that winter in his workshop, sanding it smooth and coating it with stain and replacing the strings.

He ties a piece of ribbon around the fret and presents it to her with a shrug, her eyes shining as he holds it out.

“Offer still stands. I’ll teach you if you want–”

She wraps her arms around his neck before he’s even finished talking; not that he could with the lump in his throat.

“You promise?”

“Pinky promise,” he smiles into her shoulder.

She wrinkles her nose, pulls back to look at him. “What?”

“Y’know…pinky promise…?”

“Dude, I have no idea what you’re talking about.”

Sometimes he forgets there are so many things she never knew; pinky promises and Christmas presents and birthdays in the backyard.

“Oh…it’s, uh, somethin’ Sarah used to do. It’s like a handshake. But…I dunno. Here.”

He takes her hand, pulls at her pinky finger to extend it, then wraps it around his own, tugging lightly. “See? Pinky promise.”

“That’s…so lame,” she says, but she’s giggling as she says it, still holding on.

Sixteen , he thinks later, dazed by the sun and the sound of her laughter. Sixteen means patrol training. Sixteen is two more years than he got with Sarah. It’s both too much time and not enough.

Ezra shows up with a flat square of a package, something on vinyl that Ellie unwraps and fawns over. When she hugs him, his look of frank surprise catches Joel’s from across the lawn. Even Tommy didn’t get that treatment, and his birthday gift was probably the favorite–he’s chaperoning an overnight camping trip outside the wall.

“Now that’s a sight I never expected to see when I signed off on mandatory counseling,” Maria says, sidling up to him at the grill. “Thought for sure she’d fight him tooth and nail.”

Joel rumbles a quiet acknowledgment, poking at the venison sausages. “Not the only one.”

“She’s a good judge of character, though,” she says quietly. “Present company included.”

“That your way of sayin’ sorry?”

“It’s my way of saying I’m glad you’re both still here.”

Just a year ago, he and Ellie had crossed the threshold into a whole new life. There were times when he was sure Maria would have preferred he turn around and go back to Boston and stay there. As many times as Tommy tried to convince him otherwise, it’s still a shock to hear it from the source.

He clears his throat. “Heard Tommy’s takin’ ‘em camping tonight. Can’t tell if that husband of yours is crazy or stupid or both.”

Maria laughs softly. “He’s desperate to make your kid like him, Joel. I swear, sometimes I think he’s more invested in Ellie than his own daughter.”

“Dunno ‘bout that. Izzy has him wrapped around her little finger,” he says, reaching for his beer. “Ellie’s just a little harder to win over.”

“Worth it, though,” Maria says.

He watches as Ellie successfully makes a ten-point shot with a beanbag, pumps her fists in the air and lets out a crude, “hell yeah!”

“Yeah, I reckon she is.”

Later, he’s trapped in a stilted conversation with one of the neighbors–a woman he doesn’t know but he’s pretty sure Maria invited on purpose if the way she’s hanging off him is any indication–when he sees Ezra head into the house.

Relieved to have an excuse to get away, he says a terse goodbye and makes his way inside. He finds Ezra at the kitchen sink.

“Songbird,” Ezra murmurs.

“How’d you know it was me?” Joel leans against the counter, arms folded, getting as close as he can without being too obvious. He watches Ezra plunk a handful of plates into the soapy water.

“You have a very particular tread.”

“I do, huh?”

“Mmm. I apologize for ducking out. I would have said something out there but it seems you were otherwise…preoccupied,” Ezra says with a hint of amusement.

“Yeah, sorry ‘bout that,” he says, frowning at the floor. “Think Maria keeps tryin’ to set me up.”

“Maybe you should tell her you’re already spoken for.”

Joel swallows hard. “That right?”

There are moments where Joel has imagined something more. Moments when they’re tangled up and sweaty and soft in a way he thought he’d forgotten how to be, where he thinks they could have…something. The kind of something he hasn’t felt in decades.

“I’d be lying if I said I wouldn’t enjoy a more exclusive arrangement. I fear we’re both getting too long in the tooth to keep sneaking around like a pair of star-crossed lovers.”

“Who you callin’ long in the tooth?” he mutters, bumping his hip into the other man’s side.

“I do believe you have a solid few years on me, songbird,” 

“Haven’t heard you complainin’.”

“And you most certainly will not,” he grins. “I like my men fully fledged.”

“Christ,” Joel says, biting back a smile. “So, uh…you think I invited you over here to do my dishes?”

“Is that a euphemism, cher ?”

Joel rolls his eyes, suppresses a shiver of pleasure at the endearment, usually spoken behind closed doors.

“No, I realize you haven’t solicited me for my housekeeping services,” Ezra continues. “But I thought you might appreciate a hand.”

“Ain’t that a euphemism?”

“Depends,” Ezra lowers his voice. “Will I have the pleasure of your company tonight?”

Joel looks around, suddenly self-conscious even though they’re alone. He chucks Ezra gently on the chin, eliciting a soft grin. It’s not a parting kiss, but it will do.

“I’d like that.”

That evening, he and Ezra stand at the gate to see Ellie, Cee, Tommy, and their crew off after extracting multiple reassurances that they’ll stay within radio distance and be back before noon. Joel swallows a healthy dose of fear, claps Tommy on the shoulder, and gives Ellie a side hug that goes on for just a beat too long.

Sixteen. Christ.

But then Ezra is by his side. They walk down Rancher Street together, anticipation blooming in the early evening glow. The door has barely closed behind them before clothes are divested, and a shared shower quickly devolves. They don’t bother drying, just fall into Joel’s bed wet and naked and pliant.

+++++++++++++++++++++SMUT+CUT++++++++++++++++++++++

Joel’s cock hits the back of Ezra’s throat, and he barely restrains himself from lifting his hips to push himself deeper. It’s too good, the hot, wet silk of Ezra’s mouth sliding over him. He brings Joel to the brink and back again, and again, and again, drawing out his pleasure until he finds himself making sounds he’s never made before.

Whining. Whimpering. Pleading.

At one point, he’s braced against Joel’s cocked knee, hand cupped around Joel’s shaft as he laps hungrily at his head, taking him in as deep as he can before pulling back and swirling his tongue. Then one slick finger presses in, curls up deep, and Joel’s groan is a full-throated animal cry. Caught in the throes, he shifts his knee and Ezra loses his balance, pitching forward, nose to Joel’s stomach.

“Shit,” Joel hisses, contrite. “Shit, Ez, I didn’t–”

But Ezra is laughing, righting himself and leveraging Joel’s shoulder to crawl up the length of his body until they’re chest to chest.

“Could have just said you wanted a kiss, songbird,” he murmurs, capturing Joel’s lips before he can apologize, making him forget why he was sorry in the first place. Then his fingers are trailing a slow but steady path between his legs and pressing inside again.

“Fuck, Ez, I–I can’t–”

“Shhh,” Ezra whispers in turn, two fingers now working in deeper, deeper. “Relax, cher . All that tension will make it mighty hard to do what I intend to do.”

“Fuuuuuck,” Joel growls, leg thrown over Ezra’s hip. His hands slide over his body without aim, finally settling on his face, pulling him in for another kiss, letting his tongue trace the plush bottom lip, nipping and supping until he’s dizzy and aching for more.

Then he’s suddenly, brutally empty, and he groans at the absence.

“Patience is a virtue, mon cœur ,” Ezra whispers, lining himself up, the hot length of him pressing inside.

Joel’s eyes are squeezed shut. He’s so full he’s forgotten how to breathe. When he opens them, Ezra is watching him with that look, the one that cuts him open and shines a light on all his most vulnerable parts. He groans, lets his thumb wander to the curve of Ezra’s lips, the corner of his mouth. Ezra takes it in, sucking hard until Joel’s cock kicks against his stomach.

“There he is,” Ezra pants, withdrawing and sinking back in. “So tight, songbird. Oh, mon amour , you do know how to treat a gentleman.”

“Ez, fuck–” he grits out, unable to focus enough to form a coherent thought, but Ezra’s mouth is on his again and he doesn’t need to think, doesn’t need to breathe, doesn’t need anything except the hot weight of his body rolling him onto his back, grinding into him, cock leaking and aching with the friction.

“Touch yourself, mon amour ,” he grits out. “I find myself lacking a hand with which to do so or I would happily make myself of service to the cause–”

“Ezra,” Joel pants, desperately trying to concentrate on adjusting to the aching, throbbing fullness within him. “Do you…ever…shut…up?”

Laughter, cut short as Joel clenches around him. “I suspect…you already know the answer–ohh yes –to that question.”

Ezra nudges that spot deep inside that makes Joel’s breath catch. He can’t resist any longer, palming his cock roughly as Ezra continues that slick, delicious slide, sawing over that spot again and again.

“Ez, ‘m gonna–”

But Ezra is preoccupied with the hollow of his throat, lips and tongue suckling, so sensitive it makes him keen. Joel lets out a cry as his cock throbs and throbs and spurts of come glaze Ezra’s stomach.

“Oh, oh, oh songbird that’s–”

Three sharp, almost painful thrusts and he’s there, spilling inside, then barely holding himself up. Joel pulls him down, revels in the weight of the other man’s lanky body on top of his sturdier one, stuck together by their shared mess.

+++++++++++++++++++END+SMUT+CUT++++++++++++++++++++

“Fuck,” whispers Joel into the white-blonde tuft of Ezra’s hair when his heart rate has finally returned to a reasonable cadence.

“Words…fail me,” Ezra mutters into his throat, and Joel grins and barks a laugh, full-throated and raw. 

“That’s not fuckin’ possible.”

“Aha, so there is a sense of humor somewhere under that brutish demeanor,” Ezra says, audibly delighted.

“Shuddup,” he mutters, nosing at the other man’s cheek until he tips his head up and kisses him with all the tenderness he can muster, which, as it turns out, is a great deal.

[red-balloon12]

Everybody Hates Lila (And Why It’s Concerning Sometimes)

Lila Rossi is not a stranger in the Miraculous fandom. In fact I’d argue she’s more infamous than Gabriel in some cases. She’s despised by nearly everyone and while some reasons are more justifiable than others, she’s all around not a good person and a mid at best character.

But here’s my deal with it. The fandom hates this girl to I’d like to say an….unhealthy degree. Like the amount of salt this character gets is unmatched. And I feel like the causation of all of this salt doesn’t really live up to the response.

Lila is a liar who causes characters to act out of character very often. And not only that but she also is Marinette’s main rival now and is a jerk to her. She’s underutilized and her lies aren’t that convincing and yet the story wants to convince us she’s more important than she really is pre butterfly miraculous.

This is Lila’s character summed up. At the most I’d expect is frustration mixed in with mild dislike. Reasonable but not over the top. Instead though, I see SEVERAL people make so many salt fics and talk so much shit about her that I just have to sit down and say….y’all need to chill. You all seriously need to chill.

The fandom talks about this character like she’s the spawn of Satan, something we’ve been criticizing Astruc for doing with Chloe, all because she doesn’t have as many redeeming traits as her. Did we forget that they’re BOTH kids? Both of them still have room to improve on themselves.

And I’ll admit it, I was one of those people who kept on saying “Why demonize Chloe when we have Lila” but thinking on it now, neither of them deserves to have that fate. If we REALLY need a character to do the whole “people don’t change” thing, why not Gabriel?

It’s so much better to have this lesson taught to adults to not be like Gabriel, to accept change and loss and to be better. To teach how heavy the impact of a lost love can be and how old age isn’t an excuse to be “stuck in your ways”.

Plus the lesson works better for someone who’s older than for teenagers who’s literally at the stage of their lives where change is everything. And I’m not saying Lila needs to be redeemed or she isn’t allowed to be a villain. What I’m saying is that the over salting on her character, a character that can be easily fixed and patched up, is kinda dumb and kinda annoying to see…especially when some people do like Lila.

SPEAKING OF WHICH, don’t think I’ve forgotten what happened years ago with that one fan that claimed that they loved Lila. That’s what happens when you take salting on a character WAY too far. And I can say that it’s only gotten a little better.

I just don’t understand why people can’t spend their energy talking about how to make a character better instead of salting on them 24/7 and this goes for all of the characters in ML.

I’m gonna be in the minority when I say this but Lila doesn’t deserve to be salted in as much as she does. She deserves reevaluation and a true villain arc. The constant bashing and insulting her at any chance ain’t it.

But you wanna know the thing that frustrates me the most about the Lila salt? How she started getting salted on in the first place. Aka, her being another barrier to Adrienette.

If y’all don’t know already, I don’t like the lovesquare and even back then I didn’t like it. And when I started seeing people hate Lila for this reason, I got very annoyed. It’s the same reason as to why people hated Kagami and it’s a stupid reason (imo). At least the other reasons why she’s hated had some foundation and sense.

TLDR: Lila is a mess but she’s not a mess that’s beyond repair but the constant salting on her and her character isn’t going to do anything. (If you really wanna salt on someone, salt on the writers for making her writing so subpar)

[katyspersonal]

Fandomry tips on hcs.

I've met another user that was afraid to share their cool Maria story ideas out of fear that they'll get shunned as "hating masculine lesbians", so, just a few things:

1) No matter how popular a headcanon is, it doesn't become canon. Fandoms do not abide by majority rule in which you could never have an unpopular idea.

2) With LGBT+ headcanons, the less you justify them - the better. The rude minority might think that Maria "has" to be a lesbian because her hunter outfit resembles male Knight garb and she cares about a female friend, and everyone who disagrees "lack media literacy" and "has bias". What is it trying to say? That bi or straight women could not look masculine? That the only reason a woman would ever dress masculine is to be the 'man' for her femme? Or that women could not care about other women deeply unless they're attracted to them? Even "historical accuracy" excuse is obsolete, because Bloodborne clearly doesn't abide by real world's history Victorian antics. Female vicars/doctors/hunters and people of color being equal to white people is a dead give-away to that.

It is even more confusing with Malenia, who doesn't even look masculine. Not feminine, either. She looks like 'just a person'. So what makes her "canonically a lesbian"? The fact that she is a strong fearsome warrior? Why? Because bi or straight women would not fight but instead latch onto some guy to protect them...?

You see what I mean. Justifications for why an interpretation HAS to be one thing and not the other only make things worse and push people into very narrow, at times outright offensive stereotypes. 'She is this because I think so' is a good enough reason - and that's where you can see that someone else's thoughts will be JUST as valid!

3) Headcanons and fandomry are not activism. No minority will be effected just because in some fandom people ship some character in some ship. EVER. These things are for FUN, lesbians aren't fairies within which one dies every time you say "I don't headcanon X character as a lesbian". What do you think will happen if many, or even majority of people like bi (or even straight) headcanon instead of lesbian? A life essence of a whole demographics will be dried out?

4) "It is not that hard" is not an argument. It is never anyone's business why someone would deny a very inviting opportunity for a headcanon. Freedom and autonomy is the VERY base of having fun in the fandom. In fact, very often, it is this same toxic attitude what makes average users NOT want to celebrate a strong female character as a lesbian. Because they feel like they had no choice! And many people possess contradictory spirit, that might make them choose something as affirmation that they won't be mocked into thinking a certain way.

_______________

Honestly, it is NOT okay that here and there people have to feel afraid to do something as innocent as to share their ideas, and might just end up leaving an interesting character aside because loud and rude people scared them away. Do not let a character you like get "claimed" by some group just because they were the meanest, do not hide your awesome ideas but instead post them and TAG them. Fandoms are free spaces, not a middle school where the popular girls set the trends and decide who gets to be bullied.

And if some people can no longer enjoy a fandom or a character because other people got a different headcanon? Well, then they were not built to be in fandom spaces to begin with.

[redditreceipts]

I've been a very staunch supporter of trans ppl for years. I have learned to swallow my discomfort around some of the things said in those circles. When they said it was transphobic for lesbians to not like dick, I bit my tongue. I told myself, "this is just the loud minority" and to be fair I do think that is the minority but still ... as a lesbian I wasn't even able to talk about people who argued that because "it never happens. No one says that. That sounds like a transphobic lie." And I hate the constant assertions that gender is real, innate, and that everyone feels it. I can't describe my own experiences with growing up as a woman without someone telling me that maybe I'm nonbinary ... no thanks I tried that for a while. I respect everyone's gender, or I want to, but apparently doing that also requires me to put that oppressive structure onto myself and act like it's liberating.

The final snapping point for me was a trans woman telling me that I'm privileged for being a cis woman because I've never experienced dysphoria ... except I have. I grew up with intense thoughts about my body and hating my vagina and breasts. It was never that bad but I would often imagine mutilating. I'm in a better place now but I still feel some discomfort over my body sometimes. And when I expressed this to her, she asked me if I was really cis or was still questioning ...

They act like misogyny doesn't exist or something. I just ... I disagree with a lot of radical feminists beliefs or at least I think I do. But for years I have felt like radfems were the only ones even talking about misogyny anymore so idk

Anyway what I wanted to say is that I really like your posts and perspectives and thanks for this blog. I want to learn more and question more and your blog has become a helpful resource to help me start thinking critically about some things

Hey :) thanks for writing to me and sorry for the late answer. 

And yeah, you are totally right. I have also spent such a long time justifying gender ideology because I really wanted it to be right. I’ve excused so much weird behaviour with weird mental gymnastics because I didn’t want to accept that I had been wrong for such a long time. 

The entire “that never happens” thing - and then you show them an occasion where it happened, and they say “well, it doesn’t happen that much”. And yeah, people have suggested me being non-binary as well. I mean, by strict gender definitions I am non-binary because I don’t identify as a woman lmao. Just as the “you’re uncomfortable in your body?? what about fucking cutting it up??!!!!” thing. 

And for disagreeing with feminist beliefs, the thing is that being a feminist is not a package deal. You are not being some sort of heretic if you disagree with certain things, and I know that I am most probably wrong on a lot of stuff myself. If I wasn’t, I would be the first person who is always right in human history. And yes, even in feminist spaces, there is sometimes some sort of imperative to follow every single belief or you are not a “real feminist”. But being a feminist is not an identity, it is an action. It is an action towards yourself, in the workplace, in interaction with other women and men, in your consumption, in your voting, in how you support women in your personal life and how you do political action. So yeah, I would say that it is less important whether you follow every rule of the radical feminist catechism and more important to support women in your life (which includes yourself). At least, that’s my opinion. 

So if you want to learn more, you can look into literally anything Julie Bindel says on Youtube, I really like her perspective. And cool that you’re here! 

[thedawningofthehour]

Hello. This is the person who talked about the Gothel and song thing. I read your post and kind of sat on it thinking about for the last one or two days.

Now I think I understand it a little bit better. So essentially both Draxum loves Gale and Gothel love Rapunzel. However, Gothel mainly values her youth over Repunzel’s safety and love. But still loves her. While, Draxum actually wants to keep Galois safe and is essentially keeping his plans to keep Galois alive at this point? Also, another difference is Draxum is questioning his decisions more compared to Gothel?

I had not Rapunzel a while until yesterday just to see it, and now I can kind of see how Gothel loved Rapunzel, even if very messed up. I remember when the series came out in 2017 when I was in Freshmen High School. And the whole Cassandra arc, and thinking that was how it was in the original movie of Gothel apparently never loving Rapunzel. So it does kind of give me whiplash a little bit when I watched the movie.

And what reading about how people love something else more kind of is making me realize how some relationships with friends and family were toxic.

I am loving the more complicated inner turmoil with Draxum even if I do not see his perspective in any of the chapters. And really love the recent one.

Thank you for replying to this. It has been interesting.

I mean, yes, the main difference is that Draxum's love for Gale can compete with his own goals, while Gothel's love for Rapunzel was dwarfed by hers. But I think I'm actually going to break down the similarities and differences here, because the Gothel comparisons happen a lot and while I definitely do take some inspiration from how she acted, (Draxum frequently talking over Galois is a big one) I really don't want people to view Draxum through a Gothelite lens.

-Number one, obviously, the isolation. Both Gothel and Draxum literally isolate Rapunzel and Galois from the world, with neither being allowed to leave their home or speak to anyone without their guardian's approval. Fucked up, can't get around that. But Draxum's reasoning and goals differ greatly from Gothel's, and that's where we get the distinction.

Draxum doesn't restrict Galois's communication, for one, actually he openly encourages him to talk to people who aren't his father and wishes that he could spend time with peers his own age. This distinction is important because narcissists isolate their victims to better manipulate them, to eliminate outside influences that might teach their child to stand up for themselves and to keep themselves the center of their child's life. Draxum doesn't want that. He very much wants Galois to have a life outside of him, but for practical reasons he knows he cannot.

Which leads into the second aspect of the isolation, their excuse for doing it. Obviously, the main reason in both cases is the fear of their child learning what they'd done, or being targeted for the thing they themselves kidnapped them for in the first place. (Rapunzel's hair, Galois's brain) Of the two, I think Draxum has a better case for justifying the isolation-but the end result is the same, he's still isolating his son out of his own fear. It's somewhat understandable, and not as bad as Gothel-but still bad.

-Putting down your kid and trying to present yourself as superior. This is just straight-up nonexistent in Draxum. Draxum thinks the world of Galois and tries to convey that to him as often as he can, as he knows Galois struggles with self-esteem and needs that reinforcement. Really, Drax has done a 180 from his original vision of himself saving the Yokai with Donatello at his side-after seeing how absolutely brilliant he is, Draxum now views Galois as the one who will save them all. Draxum's role was to create him, protect him, clear a path for him so he could do what he was meant to do-but he fully believes that he will be just a chapter in Galois's history book, and he's happy with that. Galois will be his legacy and he couldn't be prouder.

-Belittling. Draxum is a little patronizing at times, yes. Talking down to Cass's experience and telling Galois that certain behaviors are beneath him, those are probably the most egregious examples. But in all fairness, Draxum isn't intending to make them feel belittled. In his mind this is actually a compliment, he knows they're so much better than how they're presenting themselves. He is aware that it's a shit move though, and he does apologize when he realizes he's doing it. He's just socially inept.

-Ridiculing. Nope, never. Gothel preyed on Rapunzel's own insecurities, calling her naive, ditzy, fat, and implying she couldn't handle herself outside. Draxum would never. For one, his son is incredible. He'd be lying if he said there was anything wrong with him. And he certainly doesn't want Galois to view himself that way. His son is amazing and smart and badass and Draxum knows Galois will surpass him some day. He looks forward to that.

Some people are under the impression that Draxum doesn't approve of Gale's stimming and info-dumping because he encourages him to act 'normal' with other people, and I would like to clarify-Draxum is perfectly fine with all of that. He actually very much enjoys his info-dumps. But he knows that other people will judge him for it and think lesser of him, and he wants to spare Galois that. As much he'd like to tell them all that Galois is saving their ungrateful asses and they should be kissing his feet instead of making fun of how he waves his hands, he knows he can't. Not yet, at least.

-Shaming. Yeah, he is guilty of this on occasion. He doesn't use it nearly as often as Gothel, but when he gets scared he'll definitely break out the "do you want me to lose my son? They'll murder you and I'll have nothing left in the world!" And he absolutely pulled the 'after all I've done for you' line when Gale was caught talking to Mikey.

-Exploiting or corrupting. Oooooh, yes. Obviously, Draxum doesn't think of it as corrupting Galois-he thinks he's merely imparted the truth on him. But their entire relationship began with exploitation, first when Draxum sought to turn this pancake turtle into a superweapon and then when he kidnapped Donnie to exploit his intelligence. Obviously, their relationship has evolved far beyond that, but it's still a dominant theme that Galois picks up on and influences his own feelings of self-worth more than either of them realize.

But on the corruption bit, in all fairness Draxum has been slightly uncorrupted by fatherhood, and Donnie was kind of a supervillain in the making even before. These two actually reinforce the better parts of each other, ironically in a way that probably wouldn't occur in canon. (at least not right away, but even in good futures they'd probably eventually go "hey we should solve climate change" and their mutual desire to help people through their science would come out) Draxum has softened quite a bit and is more open with his own empathy, which he'd force down previously whenever it bubbled to the surface. So really, net negative corruption has occurred.

-Gaslighting. No.

NO.

For fuck's sake, NO. You guys keep saying this! That's not what Draxum is doing! That's not what gaslighting is!

Gaslighting is a tactic in which someone lies to you about stuff you already know. It's telling you I didn't say X, when I really did say X and we both remember me saying X very well. It's moving the furniture around and telling your spouse that it's always been like this and there's something wrong with them if they remember the couch over there. It was my dad stealing my mom's car keys and trying to convince her she lost them when we'd all seen her keys right where she always kept them the night before. (joke's on him, my mom had a spare set and was still able to go to work, and she kept them in her purse until we moved out) It's a tactic used to exert control over the narrative and make the victim doubt their own perceptions, memory, even their sanity.

Draxum is not gaslighting Galois or Cass. He's just lying to them. Galois didn't have to be convinced he wasn't Donatello and that his memories of Donatello were wrong. Galois doesn't remember being Donatello. Draxum cannot cause him to doubt his recollection because there is no recollection Draxum wants him to doubt. Draxum is simply peddling a false narrative.

Now, what Draxum is doing to Raph definitely counts as gaslighting, as they both know full well that Galois is Donnie and they know the other knows that. But at the same time, Draxum's intention isn't to make Raph doubt his own memory. He's doing it for the bit, essentially, because that's how Galois and Cass and Tigerclaw expect him to act. (and a bit of fatherly roleplay, he really likes gaslighting himself into thinking Galois is his real son) Raph is never going to be manipulated into forgetting what Draxum did or actually believing that Galois is a separate person from his brother, but Draxum doesn't need him to. He just needs him to pretend he does.

But Cass and Gale? No, his ass is just lying.

-Triangulation, telling others you're crazy, aligning people against you, and telling you that everyone is a liar except for them. Nope. He does tell Galois that a bunch of people are lying about his origins, but that's to cover a specific lie and not as a manipulation tool.

-Using something dear to you as ammunition. Absolutely not. He did that a few times when Donnie was on his table, but he felt immensely guilty for it afterwards. And none of it was told to him in confidence.

-Ignoring and neglecting. Man could never leave Galois alone long enough to ever qualify for 'ignoring him.'

That's not to say he's never done it. He neglected Bella when he became her guardian and more recently neglected Cass when she moved down to the Hidden City, but he wasn't doing it because he didn't care. He legitimately thought that 'giving them space' was the best thing to do for them at the time. He was wrong, but he did have legitimately unselfish intentions.

-And finally, terrorizing. Portraying the outside world as dangerous and their inner world as a sanctuary. This is where I'm not entirely sure how fair the comparison is. Because while Gothel's main concern was of course someone discovering Rapunzel's magic/princessness or Rapunzel herself wanting to leave her, she still had legitimate cause to worry for Rapunzel's safety. Considering how much Gothel had lived through herself and how she was perfectly happy to live in partial seclusion, she might legitimately be afraid of the outside world. She is still primarily using this narrative to manipulate Rapunzel, however.

Draxum, on the other hand, completely and 100% believes what he says about the world. He truly thinks that the humans will kill his son if he gives them half a chance, so he is determined to never give them that chance. He does have the secondary objective of minimizing contact with anyone who knew Donatello, but that isn't the driving factor behind his decision. Draxum puts on a tough front but really, he is a man absolutely drowning in fear, and considering the possibility of losing his son after all this, after all the others he's lost, after how far he's come, it paralyzes him. He can barely handle even the possibility. He's terrified of the world above and thinks this isolation is the best way to protect his son.

And the thing is, how much does the intent make a difference? Is it better for Galois that his father's poor parenting practices are well-meaning but misguided? Or is it just as bad as when Gothel does it, because the actions are much the same? It's just...a lot of nuance, and I'm going to say Draxum has never seen Tangled and will not see it at least throughout the duration of this fic because I do not want to write his head exploding as he perceives Mother Gothel.

...Goddamn, I wrote a lot.

[jaimemes]

What could really even justify you doxxing everyone anyways? You seem to have some reason tell yourself it's fine, but... what even is that?

ho boy. okay last night i was going fuckin Thru It but im slightly more mentally stable this morning. i tend to get worse the later in the day it gets. tbh i should start tagging my mentally ill ramblings cuz yall ask these kinda questions a lot (which honestly doesnt really. help my delusions. but yadda yadda audience retention and engagement)

first of all, lemme get this out of the way: im not trying to justify what i do. i know its shitty. i know im shitty. im not gonna pretend im the Good Guy here, im just not quite the Bad Guy either. not everything is black and white.

its not an excuse, its an explanation.

anyways. back to the question. ill put this under the cut because this might get pretty unreality-heavy very quickly. and also i realized halfway thru that this was getting kinda long

look at it from my perspective— be incredibly mentally ill with me for a moment here. you believe yourself to be a part of a narrative. you dont know what kind. you dont know the genre, you dont know the story, you dont know what role you play or the role that your friends play. but you know that you are all part of the narrative in some way.

you know how stories tend to go: the plot is often driven by factors outside of your control— be it by someone else’s hand (ex: the villain burns your village down, there’s a killer at Camp Crystal Lake, two people get in an argument, etc) or by the whims of the universe (ex: a tornado rips through your town, you get diagnosed with a terminal illness, you find a golden ticket in your chocolate bar, etc) but nevertheless the story always starts because of a impending or unexpected change.

keywords impending or unexpected.

the characters dont expect it because they dont have all the information. they arent omniscient or genre-aware. they dont know whats happening with the other characters, they dont know the complexities of one another and how they are a product of their circumstances. they arent looking for literary devices in their own narrative because they dont know they’re in a narrative in the first place.

but you do. you’re a self-aware character. you believe youre in a narrative. and because you’re aware that you’re in a narrative, you are placed in a unique position: you can try to predict the narrative. its like watching a TV show. the characters only have one perspective, but the audience has everyone’s perspective— the complete narrative.

but of course, as part of the narrative, you arent the audience, are you?

but if you watch everyone around you, if you gather as much background information as possible, you can become as close to being a part of the audience as a character can be. you can have all the information necessary to make those predictions. and maybe, just maybe, you can predict the direction the narrative is headed before it happens. you cant be caught off guard if you know everything you need to predict the twists.

(hell, i think im in the midst of finding a twist right now. but i need more time to figure out all the pieces before i make any predictions. plus, a good narrator never outright reveals the twist to the audience before it happens. im the one with the stakes here, not you. but i digress, ive gotten off-topic.)

but there’s a glaring issue in your plan: because you’re a part of the narrative, you can’t exactly change it, can you? sure, you can TRY to stop it, but if you try, is that really you stopping the narrative? or did you just play right into its hands? did you change the story or was the story always written that way? you wouldn’t know: you’re a part of the story, aren’t you?

but the audience isn’t.

and this is where you can stop being mentally ill with me and step out of my shoes again (chances are my shoes are too small for ur feet anyways lmao)

this is where you— yes, you reading this— come in. because you are the audience here. you are MY audience. you’re completely removed of the narrative i believe myself to be trapped in. you’re on the outside looking in.

i believe myself to be in the unique position of being a character that can interact with their audience. and while i may not be able to change the story from the inside, maybe, if i interact with the audience, we can influence it from the outside. i just need to retain the audience enough to generate engagement with the story.

and what better way to generate audience retention than by giving them the information they need to predict the story in a way i as a character probably never could?

dear viewers, do you know what that’s called?

that’s called being a narrator.

but like i said before, a good narrator never outright reveals the twist to the audience before it happens, do they?

and an interesting narrator is an unreliable one.

…

anyways! wow that did not help my mental health. this is gonna be a hell of a day. so much for being mentally stable this morning lmao

but yeah. look. theres a reason i used language like “you believe” and “i believe” and “i may”. im aware that i suffer from delusions and paranoia. im aware that i am horrifically mentally ill. im aware that this all sounds completely inane. im not trying to say that this is the definitive truth of the universe. this is just my belief.

you may not be a part of a narrative. you dont even have to believe IM a part of a narrative.

but i believe myself to be.