#i just really dont like making phone calls
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𝐖𝐡at Happens 𝐢𝐧 𝐓𝐞𝐱𝐚𝐬… | 𝐎𝐬𝐜𝐚𝐫 𝐏𝐢𝐚𝐬𝐭𝐫𝐢
SUMMARY★ the internet gets suspicious after Oscar Piastri’s childhood best friend shows up to the USA GP after swearing off races a year ago…
(multiple face claims)
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y/nusername home sweet home *read in southern mama accent*
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oscarpiastri: hey! no way i’m going to be there too what a coincidence!
➜ y/nusername: its not a coincidence im stalking you
➜ oscarpiastri: 😀 what.
y/nbff: tell me you’re joking
➜ y/nusername: lemme tell you something... LEMME TELL YOU SUMTHING!
user1234: why does @y/nbff sound mad? Did she not tell her bsf or something?
➜ user999: don’t quote me on this but i’m pretty sure it has to do with the drama about y/n and her ex.
➜ user 1234: wait what?!? Im new what is that???
➜ f1updatesfans: well like i think 2 years ago y/n was seen around with this guy while she was in Austin (her home town) for the USA race.
➜ f1updatesfans: Then suddenly he like disappeared and y/n didn’t go to another race since. but now apparently she’s going to this one??? it’s all very speculative but yeah.
➜ user1234: ok but what does y/n have to do with formula one? Wait was she dating a driver?
➜ f1updatesfans: No! I dont think so... And shes Oscar’s friend I think. Best friend.
imessages- y/n's POV
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Once y/n got off of the plane and through the gate, she stood waiting for Oscar. Considering he was already in town for the race, he had no problem coming to get her. They were best friends after all.
y/n had a hand on her suitcase and leaned against a pillar. She looked worn out and utterly tired. Her eye bags could practically be called carry-on luggage. She rested her head on the wall and scrolled through her contacts before choosing Oscar's name.
Her phone only rang once before Oscar's voice answered from the other side.
"Hey, y/n." He said in his signature sweet tone that always made y/n smile. The corner of her mouth lifted at his voice while she closed her eyes. Maybe tired was an understatement.
She was exhausted. Usually she just sleeps on planes, but for the whole 6-hour trip she never dozed off. The closest she got was simply closing her eyes.
She couldn't sleep. Not when she was so worried about what would happen once she landed.
"Yeah, hey Oscar." she murmured, and let out a long yawn. "My gate is A6." She held her phone between her shoulder and cheek while she tried to fish out her wallet from her purse.
"You good? You sound tired. Or sad. I can't really tell over the phone." Oscar spoke through the speaker pressed up against her ear.
"Yes, I'm fine..." Once she found her wallet, she pulled out cash to buy something to drink at the mini market across from her gate.
"Oh, I see you! Stop walking I'm coming to your right now." Oscar said quickly. Y/n looked around her, trying to find him. Eventually, she spotted his familiar smile.
They both hung up the phone as Oscar got closer. He was smiling at her, almost smirking really. When he stood next to her, he took a moment to look at her state, no doubt remembering it to make fun of later.
Y/n smiled back and then continued walking to the minimarket, with Oscar alongside her.
Once she got her water, they both started walking towards the exit.
"Here, I can take this." Oscar stopped y/n and put his hand on top of her hand which was holding her suitcase. His touch felt familiar and warm. His hands always felt rougher than they looked, but y/n felt comfort in knowing it was Oscar. At first, she didn't speak.
She was too busy staring at their hands because something different was happening.
She felt different. Suddenly, she wanted his hand to never leave. She wanted his hand to grab hers and lace their fingers. She wanted his hand to touch her more.
She shook her head and looked away from their hands. She must be really tired, and sleep deprived.
Instead of agreeing verbally, y/n just let go, suddenly conscious of Oscar's burning touch, and nodded, letting him take her suitcase.
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ynusername airport fit check
photo credits: lando norris’s teammate, i think?
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oscarpiastri shut up
landonorris *my future boyfriend
➜ ynusername LANDO WHAT! is this a hard launch for you two???? wdym your bf
➜ landonorris WAIT HAHA NO I MEANT MY AS IT YOURS
➜ landonorris I WAS CORRECTING YOU AS YOU
➜ landonorris WAIT DONT
➜ landonorris i’m deleting this.
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imessages- oscar's POV
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imessage- oscar's POV
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"Who are you texting?" Y/n asked casually, wanting to start conversation. She sat comfortable in a sofa across from him. Originally, they were both laying down on the sofa's facing each other, a table in the middle.
But once Oscar got the first message, he sat up quickly.
At one point y/n caught him looking at her, with the most confused face she's seen on him, but he just went back to typing.
"What?" His head shot up from his phone, and his eyes got wide.
"I asked who you were texting." She replied. Y/n sat up slowly, matching him and then leaned in, with her elbows on her knees, hands clasped together.
"Oh. um. no one. Just Lando"
"Oh ok." This conversation was just making her more bored, and she wanted to talk to Oscar. There was a beat of silence before she spoke again. "What about?"
"Hmm?" Oscar seemed extremely distracted.
"What about?"
Instead of answering, he ran a hand through his hair and looked down. Y/n was going to ask what was wrong but he suddenly stood up and walked around the sofa.
He was still silent, and he changed positions to now stand behind the sofa and leaned on back, arm folded, facing away from her.
"Osc-" Y/n was going to ask why he was so distracted, but he cut her off.
He turned around, now looking her in the eye. "y/n can I ask you something?"
Now y/n was worried, because what could be on his mind that he needed to ask her about.
"Of course, Osc"
Oscar looked at her as she waited for his question. Like really looked at her. She was wearing Mclaren merch with his number on the back of course. She looked gorgeous. The realization made Oscar run a hand through his hair again, no doubt messing it up this time.
"It's kind of personal, y/n. I understand why you haven't said anything about it before. It's your personal life and I want you to know that i understand."
"Oscar what-"
"Is your ex in Austin?"
Y/n was surprised to say the least. She knew that questions about her past relationship would come up, but Oscar asking was surprising. She told him last year about how her ex broke up with her.
She was devastated. He had broken up with her over the phone, on the way back from last year's Austin Grand Prix. His reasons were stupid, and his apologies sounded incredibly forced.
She immediately called Oscar and told him everything. Well, everything except from his name. Oscar can be protective when it comes to y/n, so she kept her ex's name secret. It sounds stupid now that she thinks about it because even if Oscar did get mad, he would never do anything Y/n didn't like.
"Yeah. He's here, in Austin, but I haven't talked to him at all. You know what he did, and I want nothing to do with him." Y/n didn't know why she was trying to explain herself so much. She felt like she needed to make it known that there was nothing between her and her ex anymore. What this had to do with Oscar? she didn't know.
He nodded and walked towards her. They both sat next to each other on the small sofa while Oscar overthought everything.
"You want nothing to do with him? like at all? because Lando was making me think that you were possibly here to get back together with him..." He needed to know for sure.
"What? Oscar not of course. Why would Lando think that?"
"I don't know." he was going to run a hand through his hand for the third time, but y/n grabbed his wrist instead. She held his hand softly and intertwined their fingers.
Oscar felt relieved. Y/n was probably wondering why Oscar had so many sudden questions about her love life, but neither of them brought up the suddenness of the conversation. They instead sat close together; hands intertwined, hoping that the other couldn't tell how fast their heart is beating at the they're simple touch.
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oscarpiastri new merch that even I'd wear (it's a white shirt, get it?)
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ynusername cool now I have another shirt i can steal
➜ oscarpiastri get your own! https://mclaren.com
➜ oscarpiastri hope this helps!
➜ ynusername you're going to give it to me anyways I know it
➜ oscarpiastri probably...
landonorris @.ynusername where have you beeeeeen I haven't seen you all weekend
➜ ynusername clearing my calendar for you right now!
➜ landonorris tell oscar to stop keeping you to himself!!!
➜ oscarpiastri no go away
➜ landonorris *cough* jealous *cough*
➜ oscarpiastri 😐 that’s enough
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2 days later, and neither Y/n nor Oscar had made any progress on acknowledging their feelings. Even the internet and gossip columns knew more about it them each other.
a/n:
just a small smau i wanted to try. i’ve never done one of these types of stories, so sorry if its bad or confusing!
not sure if i’ll do a part 2…do we like?
#f1#formula 1#fanfiction#writing#f1 x reader#formula one#f1 imagine#oscarpiastri#oscar piastri fanfic#oscar piastri imagine#oscar piastri one shot#oscar piastri smau#oscar piastri x reader#oscar piastri x you#osc#oscar piastri
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focused on your senses
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after the bond between the two gets stronger, rafayel senses the blurred line between them
hurt? maybe???? | mentions of rafayels condition | check my notes at the end!
rafayel felt an agonizing amount of pain on his left knee, waking him up from his slumber. it wasn't unusual for him to feel discomfort there when walking, but he never had experienced this, it felt foreign.
as if the pain wasn't his
his brain was spiraling with a million thoughts as he tried to make sense of this, fearing that the cause of this was her.
as quickly as he could, and in a very clumsy matter, he reached for his phone on the nightstand. 12:08, she should be at work. he didn't know if that relieved him or made him worry more.
a ring...
then another...
the pain became stronger, as if needles were constantly stabbing it. moving it didnt seem to make any difference to the amount of pain, not what he usually experienced when he had bad knee days.
another ring...
a grunt could be heard on the other line
"kinda busy yel!" the familiar sound of her gun shooting was heard in the background
"did you hurt your left knee?!" he said frantically
"thats totally not an oddly specific and not a creepy thing to say out of nowhere" another gunshot "yeah i did- how do you... nevermind, can i call you back?"
"yeah, yeah for sure. just, please, stay safe"
the call disconnected, a deafening silence. rafayel took of his shirt and went to the bathroom mirror, the pain once again didnt seem to react to his movement, just a constant. the image of his reflection confirmed his theory, his bond mark glowing.
"ugh... fuck."
hours later, the sound of his number pad lock being unlocked drew him away from his thoughts, as a very agitated mc entered his home, throwing her bag onto the kitchen counter halfhazardly. he would coo at the domesticity of the action if it wasn't for the situation they were in.
"okay, what kinda lemurian bullshit did you pull?"
taken aback, rafayels eyes widened as he guided mc to the couch, raising her left leg onto the foot rest nearby, "i didnt do anything!"
"then how did you know? the wanderer had literally just attacked me when you called. which by the way, new rule. no more calling during work hours unless you're dying. just text me"
"it sure felt like i was dying" rafayel muttered, pouting.
"...huh"
"okay so remember how I told you that when lemurians bond our senses are focused on our partners?"
"yeah... your point?"
"i now feel the pain youre in, it woke me up"
"you were sleeping?"
"i dont think thats the point cutie!"
"right, you're right. sorry just... deflecting, I guess? this is a lot. like, im in pain most of the time so this isn't good"
"that isnt good by itself" rafayel argued "we can focus on that later, first this. why did it show up now? havent we've been... 'bonded' for a while now?"
he thought for a while, trying to come up with a recent significant event of their relationship "could this be the first big injury you have since our trip to the dessert?"
"actually, yes. but ive been in pain before these days" rafayel looked at her sternly "we'll revesit that later, but i think i could've confused it with pain from my own stuff, like, my bad posture and other stuff"
"so what do we do? i can't just not get injured, it's part of the job, but i don't want to hurt you"
"clearly it only bothers me if its a very significant injury, which I really hope you don't get. I wont stop you from doing your job, we'll figure it out as we go, okay?" he geabbed her hands, a reassuring smile on his face. she looked back at him warmly "alright, get me some ice"
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hiiii i have some word vomit to do about this so bear with me or stop reading
1- if you dont know what condition raf has, its been said to a lot of time in canon that he has a hard time running, walking, standing, his resting posture even shows that he puts more weight on his right leg. he is also going blind 🤓☝️. i want to explore him losing his senses and abilities due to this undiagnosed issue and starting to feel more from mc from the bond. it is said that his senses are now focused on her, this is probably not what infold meant.
2- lately ive been dealing with my own health issue, to get better i have to do stuff that cause me the same pain that my illness does so i dont take care of my self much which i know is bad in the long run. so yes i am projecting onto yel leave me alone 😔
3- i think this might be a series! i want to explore other senses, not necessarily angsty though!!!!! i love fluff. life is way too dreadful to not have a bit of wimsy writing about two fictional characters
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ah, i love being neurodivergent. i had to make a work related phone call, it took me 30 minutes of pacing around my house, almost crying twice, and finally asking my parents for help (i didnt even know what to ask for) for me to actually press the call button. i then had a conversation that lasted less than a minute and ended with me getting literally all of the information i needed.
#vent post#i guess#idk#i just really dont like making phone calls#like what if i call and they go like 'thats a dumb question you are fired'#these tags have become a more interesting analysis of me than this post imo
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link click yingdu ep 1 is truly the gift that keeps on giving the more you think about it the more layers you unlock. at first i thought the 'video call with phone in shirt pocket' trick is a pretty effective way of replicating their dives with like.. normal human technology without their powers and then i realised that's probably because lu guang specifically thought 'this is a situation that would call for a dive except cheng xiaoshi doesn't know about the whole time travel powers thing yet, what would be a good and reasonable approximation of that that i can spring on him rn'. also, we know this is not the first time he's experiencing this day because he was checking the clock before he proposed the whole video call phone camera thing, implying that he had the 'script' for this day just like he did with the anime convention, but even then he could only warn cheng xiaoshi about the guy behind him with the bat right before he was about to get hit - probably because cheng xiaoshi kept 'doing unnecessary actions' and messing up the timeline/lu guang's 'script' and forcing him to improvise. once again, lu guang's trying to protect cheng xiaoshi while also hiding information from him and cheng xiaoshi's failing to follow lu guang's instructions and putting himself in danger because of his own kindness and impulsivity - their entire dynamic moving forwards, captured in their first (arguably more like.. the 0th) 'job' together.
#link click#shiguang dailiren#link click yingdu#link click spoilers#yingdu spoilers#lu guang#cheng xiaoshi#you know this show's good cuz the first bloody ep got me writing a gooddamn paragraph about it (something i generally dislike doing#unless i got a demon i really desperately need to let out. idk im not really a metas guy)#(writing these always make me feel like the literature troll)#one other kinda funny thought that i had was like#when vivian was talking to cheng xiaoshi about scammers exploiting people's emotional weak spots like#'people's compassion for the weak' is explicitly about cxs and 'the grief of losing family' could also very easily be about him#which leaves uh. 'people's need for (romantic) love' (i forgot the exact phrasing idk i wasnt looking at the english subs)#like i was thinking abt this and then she brought up 'the person calling your name on the other end of your phone' and cxs immediately goin#'dont you dare hurt my FRIEND' is just. im sorry its such a funny transition. like sure my guy#i also like that the scammers knew cxs's name bc of lg's yelling through the phone i thought that was a nice touch#once again the idea that cxs's safety is the one thing that makes lg drop all his rationality and start making Poor Decisions#(and also confirms that he did Not have the script for cxs getting knocked out lmao poor guy)#guy honestly trying his damn best to maintain the timeline vs guy who's just really talented at creating butterfly effects#asto speaks
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why do they do this and can they stop it please
#im gonna puke theyre so gross#ewwwwwww ew ew ew#can they fuck off i hate them so much#ship so ass i have to kill myself#hold on guys wait phone call#ok yeah theyre putting me down tommorow#clawing at my own face gnawing on the bars of my enclosure Guys im so OKAY !!!!!!!! im good !!!!!!#the mere sight of them makes me want to retch#its fucked up that they let this happen. why#jello shut up challenge#bill and ted#bad movies awful fucking movies. horrible characters fhe whole things shit#im like actually shaking#coughs up blood hey gusy hey#hi. passes out and hits my head on the corner of a conviniently placed table and dies instantly#i need to go like shake something really hard or something like actually theyve fucked up my brain to a concerning degree#whyd couldnt my autism hyperfixate on learning how to cook what the fuck is this#AAAGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHH !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!??;;;_!“?$!!$!$!!?#kay im normal now i think#just btw ive spent like 20 minutes writing and deleting tags im. hhwwwhghh#twirling my hair kicking my feet im sooooooooo normal hahahha#ignore the laser pointed at my head. dont look at the sniper on that hill over there im normal im good !!!!!#hm. well i gues s the hyperfixation isnt dying thats good
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i feel so greedy and gluttonous for even suggesting this but haha what if bkdk crumbs in the leaks tomorrow hehehe
#i say this but i haven't processed a single thing since last chapter#hori i dont need much i really dont#i'm actually so tickled with the idea that next chapter is like todoroki family melodrama#and just in the background of shoto's phone call bkdk are braiding each others hair#giggling and making friendship bracelets#izuku's like kacchan did you know i know how to do palm readings look this is your life line--- BOOP GOT YOU BOOPED YOUR NOSE HAHAHAH#and KACCHAN'S LIKE NERD YOURE DEAD I'LL KILL YOU#and shoto is like oh man i hope my brother lives#and they're like cough cough we're here for you todoroki#ljaskldfjasdlf IDK JUST DREAMING#bkdk#bakudeku#please P L E A S E BE BEST FRIENDS PLEASE#juST LOVE EACH OTHER I KNOW YOU WANT TO JUST LOVE EACH OTHER PLEASE
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longlegs is a movie about mother/daughterhood for real. throws up thinking about it actually
#LONGLEGS SPOILERS IN THE TAGS#Dont look if you dont want spoilers plsssss <3#didnt looooove it btw i have my mixed feelings and criticisms but! i did like it. and liked a lot about it...#feeling left with this dreadful feeling about being trapped in childhood and trauma and your mother trying to keep you there#and doing so much so you Can grow up but still not really letting you and keeping all of you in her house and keeping your memories of -#certain events to 'protect' you and just making it harder for you and then keeping up with these phone calls and of course doing all of -#what she did to keep her little girl alive so she could grow up and none of it mattered as long as her little girl got to grow up and be -#herself and not have to worry about all of those things shes doing or that happened... even though they still directly affect her and make#her life a living hell... shes tormented by it... and phone calls and interactions with her mother feel terrible... but she loves her#and she trusts her and she doesnt know what to do with her... or how to feel... and she wants answers andhgkshdfk GAHH its good#all of lees hair and teeth and nails and all of her things from childhood still in that house... in her room... all of her memories are in#that room... including clues to That One... god#longlegs spoilers#longlegs 2024 spoilers
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I met people I knew only online for the first time irl last night and I'm still extremely exhausted cause I am not a social person so here. Take an OC.
Katale (Kitty) is wonderful and I love her and she's a criminal and that's fine. She likes to look cute and so whenever I see a really cute outfit in public with a specific vibe, I'm like "Kitty would love that". So here. Please. Please know that I saw this very pretty woman jogging with her hair pulled back, running shorts, and the CUTEST top with a little scarf from the same fabric tied and wow. It was. So wonderful, please have a wonderful day @ the lady I saw jogging yesterday.
#my characters#kitty is so funny to me cause she is absolutely used to a life of crime#shes second in command in a huge group because she actually forfeited the top command spot to her future boyfriend#and now they are exes and besties and she just really likes their criminal crew#and then she adopts a lil agent guy bc hes like a puppy and she is like listen that is my son now you cant hurt him#ANY OF YOU TRY TO HURT MY SON I HURT YOU including you rud my beloved ex current boss#and hes just like okay#and then they become a very weird messed up family of two crime bosses and a good boy#but anyway kitty is the glue that holds everything together and she commits crimes on the side of being nice#like oh sorry im late to get here i had to kill a man#but its also her getting phone calls from rud telling her sorry babe cant show up im a bit gross#and shes like oh yeah dude i get it sometimes blood just doesnt wanna hide :c ttyl smooches ily#anyway she deserves to have cute outfits and no one is gonna tell her otherwise#ALSO for those who dont know and might care shes a weeb she watches so much anime#she just ..... really likes anime and makes rud watch some shows with her during and after dating#he just goes along with it no complaints and he doesnt understand all the appeal#but it makes kitty happy so hes happy
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8 hours work
8 hours leisure
8 hours rest
why the
fuck
is this so hard to do
#my phone is just blowing the FUCK up today#and my sister wants to hang out like every other week#which like i dont see my friends on that regular of a schedule#and she is always always always asking to have dinner and every time i say no i feel like an asshole#because she doesn't really have any other friends#and im trying to make up for the years i was a shit sibling#but cmon i need like a day where shes not the only voice in the family group chat or texting me or calling just to talk#please i need space
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ooooooughhhh biting and maiming and tearing and scratching and killing and bleeding and
#me @ me: no one cares#HATE my job. hate it#have to call landlords on the phone and then they are rude to me because *checks notes*#the HVAC system in a unit they own has been leaking for a year and the damage is so extensive itll cost 15k to fix#like damn sir im fucking sorry that you dont regularly have your units inspected for damage im really fucking beat up about that#its SUCH a shame that the damage is so bad its affected the unit below yours and now you have to pay for it#thats really so sad for YOU#this guys owns at least two possibly three condos in this community and lowkey i hope he dies#hes been very rude to me for no reason lmao#fuck me. as if its MY fault you dont pay any attention to whats happening in the condos you own#its almost like its your job to make sure things are functioning and livable when youre renting out a space to a human person#all landlords please kill yourselves#they are all such trash fucking people. literally only care about money.#i told him the approximate cost (the majority of which he wont be paying btw its billed to the building management)#and he was like WOW you guys will just charge WHATEVER YOU WANT you just raise prices WILLY NILLY#sir. we have to remove the HVAC system the washer/dryer AND the water heater#and then rip up all of the drywall and flooring in the living room and HVAC closet#and then put it back together. please please please please die. im begging.
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what's the word for a best friend but like the kind that drains all your energy if you have to interact with them
#just got off the phone w my bsf of 5+ years and its like#you get me like no one else but idek who u are anymore and this relationship doesnt really serve me anymore#but thats not a reason to throw out 5+ years of just getting each other and that special connection we have#idk#phone call totally drained me and now im laying here upset like she said smth to me otp to hurt my feelings#she said smth to me the other day that triggered my ed#she thinks shes the only one with issues like im glad you can joke about your eating disorder but like bear in mind that i ALSO have one!#which you know about because it was something we bonded over when we met#and you dont know how my eating disorder is going because you dont listen when i talk. so i have stopped talking.#but it isnt going great! and when you brag about how skinny you are because of this or that#and complain about how you genuinely hate people who “lack the self control to be anorexic”#that harms me mentally#and you dont care because you arent joking#i recently got my christmas gift from her#which took a while to get me because she ordered it on christmas eve. and then kept forgetting to give it to me once it arrived#but she literally used the gift that she bought me and told me when she gave it to me like huh !!!#and i wasnt even upset about this when she told me because if she had asked i would have let her#but i told my mom and sister and they were soooo mad. and then i was like wait maybe thats weird#like i can understand that what she did was socially unacceptable but i didnt mind because it was her yk like thats my bsf. but now im upse#AND THE OTHER DAY i told her i dont read much fanfiction and she was like#well thats because you arent autistic so u dont know what its-#-like to be consumed by an interest/hyperfixation and have to consume every form of media associated with it#like YES I DO !!! all of my friends autistic or not think im autistic except for her#its this weird dynamic in her head where im the token neurotypical to her token autistic like idk if she just likes being the only autistic#but i feel like im so clearly autistic because idk how to mask. not that im trying to make this a “whos more autistic” contest but like#i think she likes being the manic pixie autistic chick and its so weird but im not diagnosed so im not gonna go to bat on that one w her#whenever i tell my roommate about things my bsf does my roommate is always like “im scared of her” or “real friends dont act like that”#and its always a reality check because i dont think twice when she treats me like that#but the people in my life are starting to hate her lowkey....#my mom was deadass like wow i dont think shes a good friend
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can all of you shut up for literally five fucking seconds please
#mars.txt#my bad days have started to snowball into bad weeks which are projected to become bad months and frankly all of you are making it worse#<- me being dramatic this is not true only a select amount of you are making it worse#who is you i dont know i dont follow people i think are annoying unless im physically forced to but sometimes annoying people appear on my#phone against my will and im forced to be the bigger person and not suicide bait#speakign of which im bringing that back singlehandedly we do not tell others to kill themselves often enough#think about it maybe if you really put your mind to it they actually will#depending on who yohre targetinf its probably a net positive#no money but the only way i can feel peace is to have a live tracker of every fsmily member ive ever had in my life constantly in front of#me like in a clockwork orange but instead of the horrors its just physical proof o ehere they are#at all times#what was a lifelong looming fear that gave me such bad anxiety i would be sent home from school in literally second grade has only been fed#like fire and all i do is worry and all ive done is worry for literally years and why am i constantly holding my breath and why does every#phone call from an unknown number make my stomach hurt and why am i realizing now that its always been this way#looking through my dad's old documents and finding cards upon cards upon cards and there were so amny words but the only one i see in my#dreams is just alien over and over again alien alien alien and then i look outside and i wonder if the mothership might come for him and#take him away and now alien spacecraft are hovering everywhere we go and everywhere he goes and it feels like im the only one who like cares#like this crushing weight on my chest and i look at my friends and my collegues and im like How are you breathing?How can you breathe#until i get to see my grandma and suddenly im letting out a sigh of relief thats been building since i was in second grade#anyways. sorry#just shut up though
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i love being casual at my second job, because it is one of the most toxic work environments i've ever been in (and i say that being a retail veteran lmao) and every time i go in there's like. eight new fucked up things everyone rushes to tell me. bc my work vibe is that i am normal and collected (literally had someone tell me yesterday that i'm the most normal person at work which is the first time i've ever heard that one) and i don't take sides or get invested in gossip, so i don't really have beef with anyone... so everyone thinks i'm their friend and feels comfortable just like. telling me the most rank gossip known to man. and i'm not full time and these people are just coworkers i see sometimes so i'm just fully not emotionally invested in any of what's going on, which allows me to see it all as pretty funny instead of getting pissed about it.
#liveblogging life#literally spent 30m today listening to a coworker rant at me about how she suspects someone stole her phone#and like. i dont cause waves bc the way these people will hold grudges is fucking insane to me#but when i say this lady was like... racist as fuck when she was talking to me. i really really mean it#like accusing people of being drug dealers and stealing her shit and repeatedly connecting it to them being hmong... BIG yikes.#but usually it's just a lot of people complaining about how other people are getting favoritism from our sups#our that someone called in super drunk again. or that someone showed up high to work like eight hours late.#idk man every day i thank god i got the fuck out of that place full time and that my current work environment is 1000x better#bc being a casual person really is the only thing that makes that job at all tolerable#esp. since the shifts i work or pick up i usually don't see any coworkers at all. top tier.
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...
#its sort of funny. i think my medication is working pretty well. i feel stable in a way i never really have before#is it the dopamine stablizer or is it my ion channels? whos to say. it doesn't matter. but it also doesnt change some things#the ways i think and react negativly to change. but it makes it easier to deal with. i still experience this strange dispaire on the#weekends or anytime im not working. i think the oddest thing is thst i dont think ive ever been this consistenly sad#not in a depressed sort of way. just a passing thoughts make me tear up sort of way. it doesnt feel out of control. it just feels like a#prelude to grief i guess. bc my mum is still in the hospital and its so hard to kno what that means from halfway across the country#my sisters are both home right now. they both live within 3hrs of where we grew up. one sister lives in the city my mom goes to for#treatment. so they have the opportunity to see her more than me. i dunno if they do tho. we dont really talk. i dont kno if they're as sad#as i am. if im overreacting bc i cant physically see what's happening. what the feeling is in the room. not that she would probably complain#shes the suffer in silence type. my dad keeps texting us pics of our shitty lil sunroom that hes redoing#to make my mum a lil sanctuary. he must be sad too. its his wife. hes staying with her in the hospital rn. i dunno its so weird#when i talk to my counselor she assumes i find out info thru calls or talk to my sisters abt it and i gotta b like nah we dont really talk#i get my info thru text. i havent talked to my parents on the phone in like a month. i dunno we just dont talk. so i dont kno how to reach#out and be like yo so whats up? shoulf i plan on coming home this summer for a bit?? like???#this is the disadvantage of leaving thr place where you grew up. probably when i finish my phd i should move closer to home#somewhere in the Appalachian mountains maybe. somewere in the eastern deciduous forrest. somewhere with thunderstorms.#but thats years from now. who knows what ill b doing. for now im just sad and tired and i dont quite kno what to do in the short or long#term bc im feeling the weight of my mental limitations rather intensely. but maybe im just being self limiting#whatever. i dont have a dead mum yet. shes not even on hospice care. things are just uncertain and dont look so hot#i just dont see how it can get better from here when chemo gave her secondary blood cancer and shes still full of tumors#i dont think im being that dramatic. it just objectively seems not great for survival#unrelated
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![Tumblr media](https://64.media.tumblr.com/5668d36046fe5d3398a84a06ad84ecde/05384a604ee59f8a-0b/s540x810/e6e8a35153491571a788659255b7ca84b8faa6ca.jpg)
#me? about to use tumblr as a diary again? in 2024? unfortunately:/#but here have a waterfall i saw on a hike last week as payment#i am sO tired and exhausted emotionally after dating#there's this guy that i fr thought was going to last and be around for a long time. we spent like every moment together that we could for 2#months straight and if we werent physicaly together we were texting or calling or on ft . just every part of our day had the other in it#not once did i ever feel unwanted undesired or uncared for. not once did i feel that i wasnt sure of his intentions. i felt safer with him#in those 2 months than i ever did with any one else i could think to compare to.#until one day he just didnt think it important to communicate any more. after 3 days of nearly nothing .. hardly any talking . i asked if#he was ok if we were ok. what was going on in his head. he said some ive just been with my buddies and family and havent been on my phone#and just. immediately thats heartbreak yanno. thats :// thats what they say when theres a new girl. but there'd never been a reason to think#there was another girl so i was like ok we're gonna trust bc this dude has been So good in every way. so i said imy but i understand. enjoy#your time with your buddies and with your fam -- i cant wait to hear about it (and hold you)#and i havent heard from him in the 3 weeks since. just randomly#so last night#i send the dreaded 'i miss you' text.#i dont expect to hear back and i accept the hurt that will come with that and the confusion that i've felt settles deeper into my heart#until this afternoon i hop on ig and see a hard launch that was posted an hour after my text was sent#that shit kinda hurt different. but also sent me into a bit of a delirious state where all i could do is laugh bc are you for fucking real#did she see my message? i know it. bc i know him and i know that he wouldnt hide anything from the person he's giving his heart#and his softness to. i can almost imagine how he showed her and promised her theres nothing to worry about#and there really isnt anything to worry about because he genuinely is the type to give his all to the relationship he's in#which feels silly to say after what happened w us. like no there wasnt a title ever#it sucks to call it a situationship because a month ago we were laughing in bed together about how we could never bc we were all in.#just the timing of the hard launch makes me giggle. did my text push them to have a conversation about what they are. was she really the#reason that he went away on me.#im trying not to blame myself . trying not to think about the phone calls i didnt answer. about what i could have done differently. trying#not to think about where we would be if i didnt let my anxieties hold me back. if i wasnt scared about what he'd think of the parts of me#that i keep hidden just a little bit longer than the rest.#and at the same time im trying not to put him on a pedestal. but that pedestal is just where i wholeheartedly believe he belongs#he set the bar for me. he set the standard. i was never too much. i was never too little. he made me feel perfect just as i am
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oh well if that man wins because people just didn't feel like getting off the fucking internet and whining so much all day to vote instead, it's whatever. Like I don't know what anyone really expects to happen if he wins, there's no one coming to save yall from this but yourselves and realistically that whole "we just have to be in community with each other UwU' hippy bullshit can't and wont ever work until a lot of people address the very real biases they have against black women and other marginalized groups.
like there won't be a revolution. there will not be some super awesome rebellion that springs up underground, no one is doing any of that shit. We had 4 years to get on the right path and to stop this from happening, and that's more than enough time. THIS was the plan, and it's kinda falling through right now.
like we're kinda cooked here. genuinely what was the plan "if he won" for some of yall? I'm so curious because to me there is no plan outside of this vague idea that we all need to just get together.
#i just dont understand why on the one week you had to change anything ppl chose otherwise#that man will probably win and they will blame everyone but themselves#when it was as simple as turning in a ballot#also dont come to me with that “b-but they're both bad :(” bullshit man#if that man becomes president AGAIN#it won't matter “who's worse”#because that'll be it there's nothing else anyone can do anymore after that#there wont be any protests#there wont be any phone calls made to representatives#no one will be making petitions like its a wrap#im tired and probably just too sleepy to think rn lol but ugh#i tried really hard to not let the nihilism get to me but oh wow is there nothing we can do after this
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