#i just have tk keep my head down and ignore mom

[mindself]

Maybe live and let live isn't the best way to live-- but it's the only way I know how to live, how to exist, how to survive

Better than someone controlling me. But is there such a thing as human connection?

[emsprovisions]

❄️ Day 23 - Yearly Traditions ❄️

🎁 Today's fic is dedicated to @ladytessa74

Summary: A teenaged TK enjoys his Hanukkah tradition of making latkes and sufganiyot with his mom.

Word count: 1121

24 Days of Tarlos Masterpost

Seventeen year-old TK is curled up into the corner of the couch in the living room of his mom’s Manhattan high rise. He has his iPhone 4 in hand, playing FarmVille on Facebook while the tv drones on at a low volume in the background. He’s content for the time being, trying to ignore his growing crush on Lewis Doty in theatre and the anxiety that has been worsening the closer he gets to graduation. 

He’s still only a junior, but college applications are starting to come in, and pressure to take the SAT is weighing down on him, and TK’s a little worried his mom won’t like that he doesn’t want to follow her footsteps into law school. 

For the time being, he doesn’t think about any of that as Gwyn comes in through the door with a couple bags of groceries and her warmest smile. She sets the bags on the entry table to remove her coat and looks at her son. “Ready to get to work?”

TK smiles up at his mom and shuts off his phone with a nod. “Ready.”

Tonight is the first night of Hanukkah, and TK and Gwyn are keeping up with their tradition of making latkes and sufganiyot to enjoy.

TK washes his hands and pushes up the sleeves of his hoodie, as his mom puts him to work peeling and shredding potatoes. 

TK loves this tradition with his mom. Making latkes and sufganiyot every Hanukkah has been something he’s looked forward to every year since he was a kid. They work side by side, music playing through the speaker in the kitchen, laughing together. 

TK ends up telling his mom about Lewis Doty and how he’s in the spring production of A Midsummer Night’s Dream. Gwyn listens, asking what Lewis is like and commenting that he sounds nicer than TK’s ex-boyfriend who broke his heart over the summer.

“He’s so sweet, mom,” TK just grins. “But I don’t think he’s even noticed me.”

“As popular as you are?” Gwyn laughs, quirking a brow at her son. 

“Being in a lot of sports and theatre doesn’t immediately make me popular, mom. A lot of people do both,” TK rolls his eyes.

“I know, I know,” Gwyn chuckles lightly. “Don’t forget to rinse and drain those potatoes, honey.”

“Come on, mom, I could make these with my eyes closed,” TK laughs.

They continue working together, TK on latke prep, Gwyn on sufganiyot prep and then stand side by side at the stove, two pots with oil heating up. 

TK leans impatiently against the counter. “The waiting is always the worst part of this.”

Gwyn just laughs softly. “My impatient boy.”

“It’s just the ADHD,” TK grins. 

“So, have you thought anymore about where you might like to start applying?” Gwyn asks, bringing up the subject of college gently as she knows it's a touchy subject with her teenage son.

TK stares down at the oil in his pan, checking the temperature on it before scooping some latke batter and dropping it in, worrying at his lip.

“I don’t think I want to go to college, mom,” he admits softly.

Gwyn tilts her head. “You don’t?”

TK shakes his head.

“Why not?”

TK chances a glance up at his mom, searching her face for any hint at how she’s taking this. With a deep breath, he finds the courage to tell her, “I want to be a firefighter.”

“Like your father,” Gwyn sighs, her shoulders dropping a bit.

“You’re disappointed.”

“No, honey,” Gwyn shakes her head with a sad smile. “I just don’t want you to end up like him.”

“I’m not going to,” TK insists. “I don’t want to be a firefighter because of dad, and honestly I kinda hated that I want to go into that same career, but Enzo convinced me–”

“You talked to Enzo about this before me?” Gwyn frowns.

“I just wanted some fatherly advice, mom,” TK shakes his head. “Obviously if I asked dad, he’d be all over the idea. You’re biased. I needed someone who could tell me like it is.”

“And what exactly did Enzo tell you?”

“He told me that everyone will think I’m following in my dad’s footsteps if I become a firefighter, regardless of my actual intentions,” TK explains, poking at one of the latkes with a slotted spoon to test if it was ready to flip over. In a smaller voice, TK says, “Then he convinced me dad’s not so bad of a man to follow.”

“No? Abandoning his family doesn’t make him bad?” Gwyn asks, skepticism in her voice.

“I know what he did sucks, okay!” TK huffs. “It’s just, he’s a hero too. And that’s all I wanna be, mom. I want to help people and I don’t think I’m cut out for more school. And unlike dad, I don’t need the recognition that I did something good. I just want to do good.”

“Hey,” Gwyn pauses after flipping her sufganiyot so they can cook on the other side, and reaches for TK. “If you want to be a firefighter, I’ll support you. There is nothing you could do that won’t make me proud, TK.”

TK just scoffs as his mom pulls him into her arms like he’s seven and not seventeen and taller than her. He’s also quite certain she’s wrong about that, he knows his mother would be disappointed if she ever found out he’s been getting high with some of his friends.

However, despite his teenage angst, TK can admit the hug from his mom feels nice. That he needed it. He sighs as he relaxes, resting his head against her shoulder.

“Sure you’re not mad I don’t want to be a lawyer?”

“I’m sure,” Gwyn laughs softly. “You are going to be incredible no matter what you do with your life.”

Later, TK curls up next to his mom on the couch, Mr. and Mrs. Smith popped into the dvd player, his plate piled high with latkes and some rotisserie chicken that Gwyn got at the store. He likes his latkes with ketchup, and it’s become their playful argument every year, Gwyn scolding him and shaking her head as she tops hers with the traditional applesauce. There’s fresh sufganiyot, warm and dusted in powdered sugar on the counter for dessert and they’ve already lit the first candle on their menorah. 

TK is happy as he tucks his head against his mom’s shoulder while they watch their movie, dipping a latke in ketchup, his eyes practically glued to Brad Pitt every time he’s onscreen.

“Chag sameach, mom,” TK looks up at his mom with a smile.

Gwyn kisses the top of his head. “Chag sameach, my sweet boy.”

[moviegeek03]

WIP Wednesday

Here is more of the fic I posted last week and the week before. I've been hoping to make it my Big Bang fic...so its been the only real thing I've worked on in the past week lol. I'm sorry for any typos and for this being a bit longer than I usually post for WIP...it's been a long week lol.

“Do you miss her, buddy?” TK said softly, not sure why he was bothering. “Huh? She loved you. You know.” He scratched the dog behind the ears. “I wish she’d stayed. I get why she went back. I know she had to. But…” His voice cracked as he trailed off. “I wish she’d stayed. Made Enzo travel instead.” He knew it was a fair thought. But none of this was fair. Not really. “I can’t do this.”

He stood with the admission, finally giving up on the boxes. He wasn’t sure how long he had sat there, going through things after his father had left. But, he couldn’t do it. He couldn’t keep looking through things. He couldn’t sort through his mom’s life. Couldn’t file for her death certificate.

Not yet. Not now.

Instead, he pushed himself to his feet and began anxiously pacing the room. Everything felt too much.

The boxes.

The memories.

The grief…

Buttercup barked softly, no doubt picking up on his emotions. It made TK shake himself of his thoughts and pause in his quick pacing around his dad’s living room. He sighed, letting himself lean against the arm of the couch once again.

“Sorry,” he mumbled, not sure who he was saying it to.

Buttercup.

Gwyn.

Himself…

He ran a hand through his hair, tugging at the messy  strands and groaning a bit. “I can’t do this.” He glanced around the room once more, feeling the weight of the boxes and the memories all the more. His eyes settled on his keys a moment later. He didn’t realize he had even laid them out. Had he? Or had he left them weeks ago? He wasn’t sure. It didn’t matter.

Nothing did. Not really. Not since his mom…

Not since…

“I can’t do this,” he mumbled again as he pushed himself off the couch. He snatched his keys and made his way toward the door. Buttercup followed, barking and whining along the way. He did his best to ignore it, as hard as it was.

Instead, he made it to the door and out onto the porch. He barely remembered to shut the door behind him. To lock it. He needed out. Needed away from this house. The boxes. Memories.

All of it.

He felt the cool air hit his face. The rain had slacked off, but it had left a colder, windy day in its wake. It helped settle his anxiety, pulling his breath out and settling him in a way he needed.

He needed to get away.

He stepped off the porch. The rain hit, but he paid it no mind. He needed to get away. Just for a minute. Nothing major. Nothing bad. He didn’t even have his wallet. It would be fine. Just a quick walk for some air and a break. Nothing that would cause any harm.

Or so he thought…

He stepped off his dad’s property and started walking down the sidewalk. He kept a brisk pace, but didn’t push himself to run. Not yet. He was just warming up. He knew he’d have to go back sooner rather than later. Buttercup would need lunch and to be let out in the backyard. Owen would no doubt want updates. Carlos would be worried. He couldn’t stay out long.

But, he couldn’t stay in either. He needed out. Needed to stretch his muscles and breathe in the fresh air.

A break. A short break. That’s all. He promised himself. Nothing more. Nothing bad.

He kept up the mantra in his head, focused on putting one foot in front of the other. On continuing down the sidewalk in his old neighborhood. On trying not to think about how much he’d walked this before.

When they first moved, walking circles around the house while he talked to his mom on the phone for hours on end. When his mom first came, showing her around the area and pointing out the places he liked to go relax. When things got heated, in more ways than one, between his parents and he needed to get away.

When his mom died and he couldn’t stand to be in the house one more minute.

He picked up the pace as the memories assaulted him. He couldn’t escape them. Couldn’t take his mind off it all.

So much so, that he didn’t see the van following along behind him.

That he didn’t hear the squealing of brakes and shouts.

That he didn’t notice the footsteps as he was moving ahead.

He didn’t think anything of it. Too stuck in his head. Always in his head.

Until…

Hands grabbed at him as he rounded a corner, moving away from the busier section of his dad’s neighborhood and more toward the secluded, wooden area in behind the subdivision. He loved going back that way. It had always been peaceful.

Not today. Instead, today he led to hands grabbing at him, pulling him away from his walk and into a cold van. His cell fell from his pocket, hitting the ground with a harsh crack as hands tugged and pushed him down, holding him against a scratchy floor with a bruising grasp.

“We got him!” a voice shouted.

TK felt panic course through him as he felt the van lurch forward under him. He tried to push himself up, only for someone to put a knee in his back and force him back down. He groaned and shouted at the assailant, not sure what was happening.

[morganaspendragonss]

reckless but honest words

However much TK had thought he’d grown used to his parents’ shit, he’s far from prepared for the next words that come out of his dad’s mouth.

“We’re - that is to say, your mom - well… We’re having a baby.”

ao3 | 2.3k | title from anger by sleeping at last

TK narrows his eyes as he walks into his parents’ house, the trepidation that’s been building throughout the day coming to a peak as he spots them waiting for him on the couch. His dad had texted earlier, specifically requesting he come home tonight instead of going to Carlos’s, and while TK hadn’t exactly had any objections, it had given him a bad feeling.

His suspicions are instantly confirmed when he sees his parents’ unnatural postures, the way they’re smiling at him just a bit too widely. He walks in cautiously, feeling weirdly like he’s heading into a trap, though there’s nothing in the room that would outwardly suggest so.

Just his mom and dad, and how they keep looking between him and each other, like they’re in on some sort of joke that TK’s the butt of. 

“What’s going on?” he asks, easing himself into an armchair. They share another glance - giggling, for god’s sake - and clasp hands.

“TK,” his dad starts. “Your mom and I… We’ve got some news.”

TK eyes them warily, his mind instantly flashing to the possibility that his dad’s cancer is back. He dismisses the thought almost immediately - they’re far too happy for it to be that - but he also can’t think of what else it could be. Maybe his mom is moving in permanently? Which… TK wouldn’t be opposed, but he’s not sure how much longer he can cope with their bickering, and he’s barely here half the time.

“Do you want to tell him?” his dad asks, but she shakes her head and waves her hand towards him.

“Go ahead.”

And however much TK had thought he’d grown used to his parents’ shit, he’s far from prepared for the next words that come out of his dad’s mouth.

“We’re - that is to say, your mom - well… We’re having a baby.”

They grin at him, waiting expectantly for…congratulations, TK guesses? A hysterical laugh bubbles up in his chest, and he’s barely able to push it down, clamping his jaw firmly shut until he feels like he’s in control again.

“You… You’re serious,” he says eventually.

“Well, it’s hardly the sort of thing you joke about,” his dad says, laughing a little. His mom swats at him, but they’re both still smiling, both still acting like this isn’t incredibly fucked up.

“How long have you known?”

“A while,” his mom admits. “We weren’t going to keep it, but then we thought about it and we realised that we both want a child. Another one.”

TK barely notices her hastily added-on amendment. He gets what she means - he’s not a child, and hasn’t been in many years. He’s more stuck on the fact that they’re choosing to bring another child into this pressure cooker of a household, and not seeing anything wrong with that.

Even when he’d been a kid, TK had felt like he was being pulled in every direction, constantly caught in the middle of their arguments. The feeling’s eased now he’s an adult, but only because he knows he has places to escape to when it all becomes too much. He hadn’t had that growing up, and this new kid won’t have it either. 

Maybe he’s being too unfair on them; maybe they can pull it together after all. But, having borne witness to their behaviour these past few months, TK kind of doubts it. Knowing them, they’ll have decided to keep the kid by way of an argument.

And TK knows it’s far from his decision to make, but he can’t help but question them. “Are you sure you’ve thought this through?” he asks. 

Their faces drop, smiles faltering as they look at each other, seemingly having a wordless conversation. His dad nods encouragingly, and his mom turns back to him, reaching across the gap between them to take TK’s hands in her own.

“Honey…” she sighs. “We know the risks, alright? Lord knows we’ve both done enough googling. But I’m healthy, and I know what I need to do to make this pregnancy as safe as possible, and we truly believe we can beat the odds. It’ll be fine, I promise.”

She smiles hesitantly, and TK just gapes, not quite understanding how she’s managed to miss the point this badly.

“That’s not what I… Wow.” He presses his lips together in a firm line, standing up abruptly and dropping his mom’s hands. “Okay.”

He shakes his head and turns to go, but he’s stopped when they also rise, effectively blocking his path.

“Where are you going?” his mom asks, frowning in confusion.

TK feels a twinge of guilt, but he pushes it away. “Carlos’s.”

“Now, hold on a minute there, son,” his dad says. “I thought you could stay here tonight, we could have a meal as a family for once. You’re barely here these days.”

“Wonder why,” he mutters, though clearly not quietly enough judging by the way his dad flinches. TK can’t bring himself to care. “I’m going,” he says, louder this time. “I’ll see you at work.”

He squeezes past them, and makes it to the door before he’s stopped again.

“I thought you’d be happy for us.”

TK freezes, hand on the doorknob. “I am,” he lies through gritted teeth, and he doesn’t need to look to see the disappointment written all over his dad’s face. “Congrats.”

He’s gone before they can get another word in, just barely refraining from slamming the door behind him. His skin itches, his whole body jittery and on edge, and TK briefly laments the fact that he’s in no way dressed for running. He has clothes inside that he could change into, but there’s no way he’s going back in there now. He’ll just have to stick it out until he can get to Carlos’s.

Getting into his car, TK has to resist the urge to hit the steering wheel. But he doesn’t trust his parents enough to think that they aren’t watching him from the window, so he simply starts the ignition, driving away without a backward glance.

*

Carlos is surprised when he walks in, pausing his meal with the fork halfway to his mouth.

“TK,” he says, frowning. “I thought you were staying with your parents tonight.”

“Me too.” TK scowls, tossing his keys into the bowl and making a beeline for the bedroom. He feels bad for ignoring Carlos like that, but he’s worried that if he stops to think, he’ll snap, and Carlos doesn’t deserve that.

Carlos must follow him up the stairs anyway, as when TK looks up from yanking his spare running clothes out of the drawers, he’s standing in the doorway, the picture of concern. He sighs, sitting back on his heels, taking a moment to collect himself.

“I’m sorry,” he says. “I just… They asked me over because they had some news, and it sort of threw me. I needed to get out of there.”

Carlos nods in understanding. “Is it your dad? Was there a problem with the cancer, or something?”

“No, nothing like that.”

“That’s good, right?” Carlos is looking at him with those wide, worried eyes of his, and TK feels a little bit of his anger drain away at the sight.

“That part is, yeah,” he allows. “I’m not sure the same can be said for the rest.”

“Wanna talk about it?”

TK hesitates, then rises from the floor, shaking his head. “I will, later,” he promises, “but right now I just need to be alone.”

He quickly changes and grabs his headphones from the night stand, though he stops in his tracks when he catches sight of Carlos’s pained expression.

“Hey,” he says, crossing the room and cupping Carlos’s face in one hand. “I’m not shutting you out, I swear. I need air and some time to think, that’s all. Promise I won’t do anything stupid.”

He smiles and holds his pinky out, and Carlos huffs a brief laugh. He links their pinkies and meets TK’s eyes, searching his face. “I’m holding you to that, Strand.”

TK presses a kiss to his cheek. “I’ll see you later.”

*

He doesn’t know how long he runs for, but by the time he gets back he’s winded, and his thoughts are no less scrambled. The lights in the living room are off when TK walks in, but he can see a soft glow coming from upstairs that lets him know that Carlos is still awake. He’s sitting up in bed, reading, when TK manages to drag himself to the bedroom, having already showered and changed. He holds an arm out in invitation, and TK goes gratefully into the embrace, leaning his head on Carlos’s shoulder.

Carlos absent-mindedly traces circles on TK’s arm with his thumb, a silent comfort that TK relishes in.

“My mom’s pregnant,” he says eventually.

Carlos freezes. “Oh. That’s… Wow.”

TK chuckles humourlessly. “I know.” He sighs. “I feel like I shouldn’t be mad, but I can’t help it. I mean, I knew something was up, they’ve both been acting cagey for ages, but I just… I never thought it would be this.”

“I think you’ll be forgiven for not expecting it,” Carlos comments drily. 

TK hums, fiddling with the sheets. “It’s not just that, though. I’m pissed that they didn’t tell me, sure, but I’m less mad for me, and more for this kid. I know what it’s like to grow up with them, and you’ve seen how terrible the past few months have been. I can’t believe they’re seriously going to put another kid through it all.”

“Maybe they’ll work things out,” Carlos suggests, though even he sounds doubtful.

“I want to believe that. But…”

“But?”

“I don’t think they even noticed it,” he confesses, voice quiet. “I was so alone as a kid, but Mom had her firm and Dad had the firehouse, and I was just...there. I know they loved me, but that doesn’t mean they were great parents, and I don’t think they realise even half of what they did. They’re having this baby because they want the good times back, and they’re forgetting just how many bad times there were.”

Carlos squeezes his shoulders. “Shit, Ty-”

“You know it’s part of the reason I became a firefighter?” TK asks. He should probably feel guilty for interrupting, but it’s like some dam has broken inside of him and it’s all coming spilling out whether he wants it to or not. “I’d see my dad with his crew - with this family he’d built at the firehouse - and I just… I wanted in. I wanted my family back, but I couldn’t have that so I settled for inserting myself into his.

“It sort of worked, I guess. We were close. But he’s never been a father to me, exactly, not in the way I needed. I’m okay with it now, but I’m worried the same is going to happen all over again.”

Carlos waits, but TK’s done this time, gritting his teeth against the emotion welling up in him 

“Have you spoken to your dad about any of this?” Carlos asks.

TK scoffs. “I tried. Remember my identity crisis after I got shot? I went to him and told him, but he just turned it on me and started talking about 9/11 again. It’s like, I know how bad it was. I know his whole house was killed, and I know how badly that hurt him. But I was seven, and I lived through it too. It’s not the same, I get that, but I did. I think he forgets that sometimes.”

He groans, slumping down further into the bed - and, by extension, into Carlos. “I sound like a dick, don’t I?”

Carlos is silent for a long time, and when TK looks up at him, he’s worrying his bottom lip, brows creased in a frown. 

“I think…” he starts slowly, turning his head to meet TK’s eyes. “I think you’re being perfectly reasonable. Everything you just said… I can’t even imagine, Ty.”

TK stares at him, startled by how firm, how fervent Carlos’s voice is. There’s anger there, too, and it’s strangely comforting to know he’s not alone in his frustrations. Even so, TK feels the need to reassure him.

“Hey,” he murmurs, lightly touching Carlos’s arm. “You know I’m okay, right? I’m over all that.”

Carlos sends him a doubtful look.

“Mostly,” he amends. “Besides, I have you now, and the team. I’m not the one who needs to be worried about.”

“I’ll always worry about you,” Carlos says, but he sighs, relenting. “You should talk to your parents, though. They need to know how you’re feeling, especially if they’re going through with this.”

TK shrugs non-commitantly. “Yeah, maybe. Not like they’ll listen to me.”

Carlos sighs. “TK -”

“Can we not talk about this anymore?” TK interrupts, turning pleading eyes on his boyfriend. He’s tired of thinking about his parents, and he feels more than a little guilty for taking over their evening complaining about them, like he’s done far too many times before. He points to the book lying abandoned at Carlos’s side. “Tell me about that?”

Carlos sends him a look, emphatically letting TK know that he’s not going to let him push this away, but he does eventually pick up the book. “I don’t think it’s something you’ll like,” he warns.

“You like it,” TK says. “That’s enough for me.”

The brilliant smile Carlos sends him is almost enough to make him forget everything else that happened tonight. And when he starts talking, TK closes his eyes and lets Carlos’s beautiful voice wash over him, chasing any other thoughts from his head.

It’s peace, of a kind.

[reyesstrand]

Hello Maddie! ao3 wrapped: 20, 27, 28, 29 and 30 :)

thank you so much lola!!! <3

20: which work of yours have you reread the most?

i tend to do one quick read through of my fics after they’ve been posted for a couple of hours to check for any errors—which is always when i find any grammatical issues ajdnskd—but after that i usually ignore my own fics. i think i’ve gone back to not a victory march the most, though, because there were some parts in there i was quite proud of and since it was a spec fic, i wanted to check back to see how i did after 3x08 aired aidnskdns

27: what do you listen to while writing?

it depends, but either movie scores (anything nicholas britell) or my tarlos playlist.

28: favourite work you wrote this year?

i’m just now realizing i only wrote and published four fics this year (though hopefully i’ll get something else up before the end of the year) and of those i think i’d go with (not afraid of) living on a fault line….i just was deep in the after-effects of the proposal, and it was one of the first times this year i just sat down and wrote and let it all kind of spill onto the page without much issue.

29: favourite line/passage you wrote this year?

from not a victory march:

She's always there for him, is the thing. Even when TK doesn't deserve her; when he was high and angry at the world and slurring together words he never meant but hurled at her anyways, she would stay and make sure he came down without choking on his own vomit and told him that she loved him. 

("Still?" TK had asked once, twenty years old and barely two days out of the hospital after the overdose that'd had his mom pouring over the websites of in- and out-of-state rehab centres for hours. He was sitting there with sweat dotting along his hairline as he tried to stomach a bowl of soup, legs swinging from the high stool at her kitchen island. "I don't know how you can keep forgiving me."

He'd stared down at the spoon submerged in broth, and his stomach turned. When she looked up, he glanced away, and trained his gaze on the photo of her and Enzo in front of the Eiffel Tower that'd been stuck to the fridge for a year and a half. When he looked back at his mom, he found her frowning, her eyebrows drawn together. It took half a second until she'd abandoned her laptop and wrapped her arms around him from behind, forcing his shoulders into a gentle sway that matched the rhythm of the song playing from her running playlist. 

"Yes, still," Gwyn replied, turning him around so he could face her. She looked at him like he'd grown two heads for even asking before her expression softened. "I'll always love you and forgive you. There's nothing in the world that could change that, honey.")

and how about a happier one from (not afraid of) living on a fault line akdnskd:

TK opens his eyes. A sliver a moonlight cuts delicately across Carlos' face and along the top of his shoulder, and it feels...holy, maybe, kind of like they're being reborn. He surges up to kiss him, feeling it finally sinking in that he really gets to have this—that they get to have this.

"Baby," TK murmurs, because nothing else feels right, as Carlos slots himself between TK's legs, scraping his teeth gently against that one spot on his neck before soothing it over with a kiss. TK bends his leg and presses his bare knee against Carlos' hip, keeping him in place. He almost gets lost in it, like he always does, it's just—he can't quite get a handle on the burning behind his eyes. 

"Hey," Carlos says, fingers stalling from where they're working their way under TK's shirt when the kiss suddenly turns salty, pushing himself up on his elbow. He stares imploringly down at TK, softly dragging his thumb under TK's eye. That's all it takes for TK to sniff and turn his head, sparing a moment to press a kiss to the inside of Carlos' wrist as a tear drips down the side of his face. "Baby, hey. You're going to get me going again, too." 

TK huffs a wet laugh and brings a hand up to cover his face the moment Carlos' eyes—his big, beautiful eyes—start shining with unshed tears. "Sorry, sorry, I—" 

"I get it, it's okay," Carlos says, carefully moving TK's hand out of the way so he can kiss his forehead. “It’s okay.” 

30: biggest surprise while writing this year?

how hard it is to write when you’re finishing school akdnskd. i think since my degree involved a pretty large paper, so much of my writing energy was zapped up once that was submitted. so while i’m getting back into things now (partially since i’m rewatching the show and falling back in love with the characters) it took a while for me to even want to look at a word document. i’ll say another surprise that gets me year after year is just…..the genuine support in comments/messages and the kind of friendship that can emerge from writing for a silly little firefighter show!!!

[rafael-silva]

in only a moment’s time: a tarlos fic

Carlos looks over his shoulder and connects some dots in his head. “There’s a flower shop two or three blocks down,” he recalls. “We can save time if I go pick up the ones we want for my mom while you finish here,” he suggests. “Or whoever finishes first can meet up with the other.” 

“Yeah, that sounds good,” TK agrees and then returns the soft kiss Carlos brushes against his lips. 

*

It was supposed to be a quick in and out at the florist before going to Andrea and Gabriel’s, but Carlos and TK’s day is quickly turned upside down and their plans ruined by a police chase gone wrong. 

for bad things happen bingo: tarlos + ambulance ride

major character injury, hurt carlos reyes, worried tk strand, off duty injury, whump, angst, nonlinear narrative, gun violence, hopeful ending

3.7k | rated T | on ao3

thank you to jamie @firefighterreyes for reading through this and giving me feedback! and the title from I knew this would be love by imaginary future

*****

“You’re okay, Carlos. Stay with me, babe, stay with me,” TK pleads, ignoring how his voice breaks and instead tightens his hold on Carlos’s slack hand.

His bloody slack hand. And TK’s hand is covered in blood, too. It’s covered in Carlos’s blood. TK’s stomach churns and twists in an unnatural way when his eyes move from Carlos’s ashen face and land on the amount of blood coating their joint hands, staining their matching silver bands.

There’s so much blood. Carlos is losing so much blood.

But he doesn’t have much time to think about it because in the next moment, his head is quickly snapping up at the paramedic’s urgent voice. TK watches with horror as Carlos’s vitals drop dangerously and his own heart sinks into his knees.

The ambulance starts to move, the sirens wailing in its wake as they speed towards the hospital. TK watches the paramedic work frantically from the corner of his eye, work to stabilize Carlos but TK can’t really spare him a full glance, his attention solely focused on Carlos.

The officer’s skin is pale and clammy, beads of sweat collecting on his forehead and his breaths coming short and quick, fogging up the oxygen mask covering most of his face. Tears build in TK’s eyes, terrified he’s about to lose Carlos.

He feels helpless, he feels that Carlos is slipping right through his fingers and—

No. He can’t lose Carlos. He can’t.

TK can’t help but wonder if there were anything he could have done differently, if anything could have changed this outcome. If anything done differently could have made it so that Carlos wasn’t currently lying on a gurney, barely stable.

TK can’t control his mind when it takes him back in time. When it takes him just thirty minutes back in time, when he and Carlos were walking side by side, holding hands and laughing, the silver spark TK loves glittering in his fiancé’s eyes. And now Carlos is fighting for his life, now TK can’t see that spark and it feels like his own light is slowly fading away…

*****

“We have space in the fridge, right?” Carlos asks, he and TK stopping to stand in line to use the ATM.

TK thinks back for a moment before nodding. “Yeah.”

“Good, because you know mom will be packing up some food for us to take home with us,” Carlos chuckles. “I think she automatically adds portions for us while she makes lunch.”

TK nods, a smile spreading on his face. “Her food is amazing.”

“It is,” Carlos agrees. “And the food she packs for us lasts a while, makes me think I could stop cooking and we can just have her food.”

“Carlos Reyes, that implication wounds me, don’t you dare stop cooking,” TK gasps, playfully hitting Carlos’s shoulder. “As much as I love your mom’s food, and trust me, I do love your mom’s food, your cooking has a special place in my heart.”

Carlos chuckles again, lifting their connected hands to brush a kiss to TK’s knuckles. “Well, in that case…”

TK’s smile widens, brilliant and bright. “I am excited to have lunch with your parents, it’s been a while.”

It was deemed near impossible for Carlos and TK’s schedules to line up together for a day off in the past month. They’ve both had hectic shifts that seemed to drag and never end, shifts that were always opposite each other. One of them gets home just as the other is about to leave, barely giving them time to spend together. Their time together was either spent taking a quick shower together or having breakfast or dinner before one of them had to dash out the front door with a soft kiss brushed to the other’s lips and a promise of I’ll be careful.

And aside from their frustration at the lack of quality time they had together, they were also pretty down by the fact they couldn’t go over to Andrea and Gabriel’s as it had been established.

Since their engagement, Carlos and TK would go over to the Reyes’ once a week and it had become a ritual all of them loved and looked forward to, until the misalignment of Carlos and TK’s schedules had broken what was becoming their tradition.

They would make it work when their schedules were in sync and even opted for breakfast or brunch when Carlos and TK had shifts on the days that worked best for Andrea and Gabriel. It was important for all four individuals to have that time together, for them to grow even closer and strength their relationship.

There were the infamous Sunday dinners at the Reyes ranch they go to as well, Carlos and TK always happy to see Tia Lucy and the rest of the Reyes family, and the feeling was reciprocated, with the family always happy to see the young couple, too. But they had regrettably missed a few of those, courtesy of their jumbled work lives. TK remembers coming home from shift to find Carlos on the phone with Tia Lucy, promising they’d make it to the first Sunday dinner their schedules allowed for.

And soon, it seemed a higher form was finally in Carlos and TK’s corners and they found themselves at the Reyes ranch the following Sunday.

“Mom and dad are really looking forward to it, too,” Carlos replies. “They really missed having us over. And mom is making your favorite.”

The line moves up just as Carlos’s phone pings in his pocket. He fishes it out and his smile widens at the screen.

“Mom just replied,” he tells TK. “They don’t need us to pick up anything on the way, she says they just want us to hurry over because they miss us.”

TK chuckles. “As soon as this line moves some more.”

Carlos looks over his shoulder and connects some dots in his head. “There’s a flower shop two or three blocks down,” he recalls. “We can save time if I go pick up the ones we want for my mom while you finish here,” he suggests. “Or whoever finishes first can meet up with the other.”

“Yeah, that sounds good,” TK agrees and then returns the soft kiss Carlos brushes against his lips.

Carlos squeezes TK’s hand before letting go and making his way down the street, almost speed walking down the block.

TK’s eyes follow Carlos until he disappears down the road and then moves up on more spot in line. He pulls his phone from his jeans back pocket and starts scrolling through his Instagram feed to kill some time while he waits.

TK isn’t sure how much time had passed by when the all-too familiar ring of a shot has TK’s head jerking up so fast he thinks he gives himself whiplash.

And with a sinking feeling, he realizes the sound came from the direction Carlos had walked in.

*****

The ambulance hits a small bump but TK barely feels it. He closes his eyes, sending a prayer that today isn’t the day he loses the love of his life.

He squeezes Carlos’s hand, his heart breaking some more at the lack of response from his fiancé. At the absence of his loving and comforting touch, at the absence of the warmth that always radiates so brightly from him. The warmth that has become TK’s home and his sanctuary.

Part of him is scared beyond words he’ll never get to feel that warmth again.

TK’s a paramedic and he knows Carlos is in rough shape, he knew the moment he found him. He’s seen this so many times, how quickly it happens, how—

TK shakes his head, he’s never given up on Carlos and he isn’t about to start now.

He does his best to expel those intruding thoughts and he faintly registers the paramedic’s voice saying they’re three minutes away from the hospital.

“Stay with me, babe,” TK whispers, his voice catching in his throat. “Please.”

Dread stirs in his stomach when Carlos’s numbers keep dropping, the only response he gets…

*****

Carlos had just finished paying for the bouquet when his ears pick up on the sound of commotion getting louder and louder outside. It’s a stark contrast to how calm and quiet it was when he first made his way to the shop. He frowns, quickly thanking the florist and makes his way out of the store.

The door hasn’t even fully closed behind him yet when he spots three uniformed officers running in his direction, and his eyes track their movement to find a middle aged man running ahead of them. He immediately recognizes him as the perpetrator, and the atmosphere around turns heavy and tense.

His training kicks in and his concern shifts to the civilians standing around. He wants to help get them to safety, to move and guide them away from this chase. There aren’t that many people but it’s still a considerable amount, but they start yelling and dispersing when they notice what’s going on.

It turns into chaos and the fact that any of them can get hurt, that an innocent person can get hurt, powers Carlos’s legs to move. He’s about to speak up while digging his hand into his pocket for his phone to call TK when he spots the gun in the perp’s hands.

The gun that is being waved around and is being aimed at the officers.

He follows the trajectory and Carlos’s eyes go wide when it leads straight to a little girl standing alone in the line of fire, fear etched on her features.

They make eye contact for a moment, Carlos immediately noticing the tears staining her cheeks and her shaking body. His heart pounds harshly against his ribcage and the next thing he knows, he’s in the middle of the sidewalk, directly in the line of fire, his body curled around the little girl and a loud bang is heard.

Everything is still and silent for a few seconds and Carlos doesn’t move.

And then he feels the pain, it comes all at once, spreading and flaring up through his entire body and tears start stinging in his eyes. He draws in a deep breath but the smallest of movements makes the agony worse, makes the fire in his nerves burn hotter and he feels paralyzed. He pushes through it, wanting to make sure the little girl is okay and that no one got hurt. He vaguely recognizes his own voice when he asks her if she’s okay and he only half registers her small nod in response.

His hand goes to the source of the pain and it comes back wet and sticky.

Add pressure, his tired head supplies. He does his best but he has to stifle a groan at the wave of pain that shocks his system.

His vision blurs, the sounds and voices around him fading away, even the ones coming to his aid and the ones yelling to call 911, it all feels so far away now. He sways dangerously to the side, losing his balance and then everything is sideways.

A moment later, his sight narrows and darkness creeps up on him. And his last thought before he gives into the darkness is a name.

TK.

*****

TK hears the paramedic in the front radio dispatch about Carlos’s condition, giving them live updates so the hospital is prepared when they arrive. He’s done that himself so many times, taking updates from Tommy and Nancy and had that back and forth with dispatch but it never had his hands shaking like they are now.

He sucks in a lungful of air and shakily exhales. He leans closer to Carlos, and even though his eyes are closed, TK hopes he can hear him.

“You’re going to be just fine, babe, I’m right here and I promise I’m not going anywhere. We’re almost at the hospital and they’re going to help you and you’ll be back on your feet in no time,” TK sniffs. “You’ll get better and we’ll continue planning the wedding, you know our parents have so many ideas and opinions and we gotta work through all of that together.

A little heavy voice at the back of TK’s head whispers, if you get to have a wedding…

TK silences it.

“I’m pretty sure your mom’s binder for the wedding is now twice the size it was last time,” TK lets out a wet chuckle, a tear rolling down his cheek. “I need you, babe, I need you so much and just…please, please, hang on.”

TK’s hand is still shaking when he reaches out and threads his fingers through Carlos’s soft and loose curls, TK loves them when they run wild. He then brushes a stray curl back from Carlos’s forehead, the same one that falls over the officer’s forehead when he sleeps. He brushes it back in the same manner he does on the rare occasion when he wakes up before Carlos, smiling when Carlos gravitates towards him even in his sleep upon his soft touch.

But Carlos isn’t asleep right now and TK is painfully aware of that fact by how cool Carlos’s skin feels and how still his body is. Carlos isn’t a fidgety sleeper, he doesn’t twist and turn often, he’s quite calm but there are small movements that TK had noticed over the years they've been together, small movements that are Carlos; a soft sigh, a light turn, nuzzling his face against the pillow, an arm tightening around TK’s middle, the steady rise and fall of his chest, the way Carlos’s eyes move a bit under his closed lids when he’s dreaming. And all of those little things are absent right now, their absence breaking TK at his core.

He wishes this were a dream, that he’d wake up and they’d be in their bed, safe and sound, wrapped in each other’s arms and he’d get to experience and witness all those little things again. He already misses Carlos’s touch.

But he knows this is reality, because if this were a dream, he would have woken up already.

It’s not a dream, but it is a nightmare.

*****

TK’s legs move on their own accord while his brain works on catching up with what he just heard. The logical side of his head tells him to wait, that maybe running in the direction of danger isn’t the best idea but he pushes it to the side, not giving it another moment of thought. He can’t. He needs to do one thing and that is getting to Carlos, to see him and to make sure he’s okay.

Something in his gut tells him that Carlos isn’t okay and that instinct has him breaking into a full sprint.

It’s easy to spot the group of people gathered around on the sidewalk and TK’s heart plumes into his stomach when he notices the havoc is right in front of the flower shop. He scans the crowd, hoping to catch a glimpse of his fiancé, any sign to tell him that he’s okay, but as the seconds tick by and he gets closer with no sign of Carlos, the hot pit in TK’s stomach gets bigger and bigger.

He knows Carlos would have jumped into action at hearing the gunshot, but he’s worried that that took a turn for the officer. That’s when TK’s eyes catch the blue of Carlos’s shirt through gaps between the crowd, the blue of the shirt TK loves, the blue that’s too close to the ground for it to be anything other than what TK had feared, what he felt in his gut since hearing the shot echo off the buildings and ring in his head.

He can’t control the mix of a gasp and sob that escapes him as he yells Carlos’s name.

“Carlos!” TK’s voice pierces even his own ears. “Let me through! He’s my fiancé!” He pushes through the crowd, fighting to get to Carlos as his heart rages in his chest. “Let me through! I’m a paramedic!”

TK finally breaks through the crowd, spotting the bouquet that’s now on the ground, the flowers scattered and broken. He wastes no time in dropping to his knees next to Carlos and pushing two fingers against his neck. He holds his breath, waiting for that thud…one, two, three. TK’s shoulder slightly sag forward when he finally feels Carlos’s heart beat against his fingers.

He can hear someone on the phone with 911 but it’s in the background, all his attention is on Carlos. The momentary relief at finding a pulse is quickly replaced with fear as TK registers the pool of blood already formed underneath the older man, staining the asphalt crimson.

The blood seeping out of a bullet wound in Carlos’s stomach.

Carlos’s head has lolled to the side, his eyes closed and no, no, no, this isn’t how the day was supposed to go, TK thinks as he clamps down both hands tightly over the wound, ignoring how his stomach twists at the sensation of Carlos’s blood seeping through his fingers.

“Carlos? Carlos, can you hear me?” TK speaks, hoping his voice is steadier than it sounds to him.

He presses down harder and the action has Carlos gasping, his eyes flying open and drawing in a deep breath which is immediately let out through a series of groans.

“Hey, babe, hey, look at me, look at me,” TK guides Carlos, who’s eyes roam around for a few moments before finding TK’s worried ones.

“TK,” Carlos breathes around another groan.

“I’m here, I’m right here, just focus on me,” TK continues, his eyes never leaving Carlos’s.

“Hurts…tired,” Carlos whispers, his eyes beginning to close again.

“No, no, you have to stay awake, babe,” TK doesn’t hold back the panic anymore as it coats his words. “I know it hurts and that you’re tired, but you have to stay awake for me, can you do that?”

And when has Carlos ever been able to refuse TK anything? So he slowly nods, fighting against the pull back into the darkness and focuses on TK.

“‘m sorry…”

TK’s eyebrows knit together. “For what?”

Instead of replying, Carlos uses all the energy he has to lift his hand and places it over TK’s.

TK doesn’t need words to know what Carlos means, to know what Carlos is saying. They don’t need words to understand each other, their connection much deeper than that. TK’s heart breaks some more at the realization that Carlos is saying goodbye.

“Hey, no, no,” TK shakes his head. “Don’t say goodbye, we’re not done yet, you hear me? There’s still so much for us to do together, to experience together and this isn’t the end. It can’t be, I won’t let it be. We can’t lose all that we are and all that we will be. Just stay with me, baby.”

Tears are now streaming freely down TK’s face and he doesn’t move to wipe them and where is the ambulance?

Carlos lets out a shaky sigh and he barely responds when TK’s hands press down even more on his stomach in hopes of controlling the bleeding.

The lack of response from Carlos has TK’s blood running cold.

“I’m scared,” Carlos’s voice breaks, the tears swimming in his eyes bringing out the brown of his irises.

“I’m right here, I’ll be right by your side, I’m not going anywhere,” TK is quick to reassure him. “I won’t let go.”

Carlos blinks and sends a tear rolling down the side of his face, disappearing into his hair.

“Can you…” Carlos starts but pauses to breathe. “My parents…they…our day…”

“Don’t worry about that, I’ll take care of it, I promise. And we’ll have plenty more days with them. Just save your strength, okay?”

And then the air around them is filled with the sound of incoming sirens, far away but getting closer by the second.

“You hear that, babe? Help is almost here,” TK says and moves to plant a kiss to Carlos’s forehead. “Hold on, babe, hold on,” he whispers against Carlos’s skin. “I love you so much.”

“Love…you,” Carlos replies with a hitch in his voice.

And when TK pulls back and looks down, Carlos’s eyes had drifted shut.

“No, no,” TK’s tone is laced with desperation and fear. “Open your eyes, Carlos, open your eyes…baby…”

He doesn’t hold back the wail that tears through his throat when Carlos’s eyes eyes remain closed.

TK still fights against the thought that Carlos had said goodbye.

*****

It’s a fury of action when the ambulance comes to a halt at the Emergency Room entrance. The doors are ripped open and a doctor and two nurses are standing by the rig. The information starts rolling off the paramedic’s tongue as he gives them a rundown of Carlos’s condition and injury.

TK is frozen in place, hearing the words but they’re not quite sinking in as the other paramedic jumps out of the front and rounds the ambulance. The two paramedics get Carlos out and TK watches as they push the gurney into the ER, moving quickly through the sliding door and through the hallways. TK knows he should follow but he still can’t get himself to step out of the ambulance.

Instead, he repeats the words he heard over and over in his head.

Vitals low but stabilized, bleeding controlled…

He feels his knees go weak and scared he’s going to topple over, he falls back onto the small cushioned seat.

He thinks about the promise he made Carlos and suddenly his phone feels very heavy in his pocket. He knows he has to make that call, he knows it’s going to break his heart all over again and he doesn’t know if he can get through that call without breaking down. But he will pull his phone out of his pocket. He will dial the number but right now, he can’t tear his gaze away from his closed fist. After what feels like an eternity, he slowly opens his palm and a choked sob echoes inside the ambulance.

TK stares at the ring sitting in his hand, Carlos’s ring.

He tilts his hand and the sun catches the engraved words written inside, Yours forever

He closes his hand again and brings his fist to rest over his heart, feeling it thump against his own skin.

TK prays he’ll get to slip the ring back onto Carlos’s finger and Carlos will reply with the smile that’s reserved for only him.

And eight days later, he does and the smile Carlos gives him brings the light back into TK’s world.

[tngrace]

Finding My Happy

My dearest Max, happy birthday dude! I hope you have the best day ever and I hope you enjoy this! Thanks for letting me add the missing Judd/TK and missing Tarlos moments from the last episode. I truly hope you enjoy this.

Read on A03.

As always thanks @moviegeek03 for helping me iron out the finer details and the support. It means the world 💙

After their little talk that morning about the news TK received the night before, Judd knows something major is up when TK leaves his father's office with a simultaneously pissed off and kicked puppy look on his face. "TK," he calls out, but TK just brushes past all of them.

Judd sees the questioning looks from the others and just shakes his head at them. "I'll take him," he says heading in the direction TK went.

He finds TK outside pacing the front of the firehouse. "Hey. Take a breath," Judd says, laying a hand on TK's shoulder. TK tries to shrug him off, but Judd just gives his shoulder a squeeze and holds him still. "You wanna go out again? Talk?" He questions when TK won't say anything.

TK looks at him with those sad eyes and a nod, and Judd squeezes his shoulder in response knowing he'd do anything with TK giving him that look. "Gimme five and we'll go," Judd tells him as TK nods again wringing his hands. Just as they're loading up in the truck, questioning looks from the others still firmly in place, the alarm sounds and TK groans.

Judd gives him an apologetic look as TK jumps out to gear up and climb in the back. Once everyone is in, Judd takes off leading them to their call. Owen is giving out the information from dispatch, but TK is a little zoned out. The call is easy, routine, and TK was rather impressed that Pearce was able to save someone. He knows Owen can feel the attitude he's giving off, but he can't help it. His dad's comment hurt more than he wants to admit.

Once back at the station, he grabs a bite to eat before he and Judd try once more to have their conversation. "You gonna tell me what's up? Or am I gonna have to pull it out of ya?" Judd eventually asks as they sit in the firetruck and TK doesn't even attempt to start it. 

"It's just something dad said earlier. It just…." TK trails off, biting at his lip as he hangs his head. 

"TK you can tell me anything," Judd reminds him squeezing his shoulder. Judd hates the kicked puppy look TK seems to have perfected. It makes him hurt for his brother. 

"Dad had me sign papers earlier. Signed his power of attorney over to me. Said he's gonna have that cancer surgery in two weeks, the one I've been bugging him to do." 

"That's great bud. I know you've been on him about it," Judd says knowing that would be a relief for TK. 

"Yea…. Well," TK sighs running his hands through his hair tugging at it. "I asked him why he was finally going to do it. And you know what he said?" 

TK's eyes drop to his lap, his hands twitching and wringing with nervous energy. Before they can go any further, their radios crackle to life with a call. Luckily they're right near the firehouse, and after a quick switch of drivers they're back at the station. Judd so wants to know what Owen said to devastate TK like this, but it's gonna have to wait. TK grabs his gear from Paul, and jumps in the back with the others. He can see TK in the mirror zoning out again as Owen talks. He is determined to get to the bottom of this after this call. 

Upon arrival, the two captains converse with the Travis Co Sheriff's Officer on site as the team hangs back waiting for a game plan. TK can already feel the adrenaline starting to course through his body as Owen details out what they need. "You good?" Judd asks him and TK nods reassuringly even though he can tell Judd doesn't buy it. 

He can't help but overhear the conversation with the new guy as everyone else gathers what Owen requested and Judd keeps tabs on the bomb squad. TK hates that his dad is always putting himself in the most dangerous situations, but he knows he can't do anything about it either because Owen wouldn't listen to him. When he hears the new guy declining to go, he knows he needs to speak up and save two captains from being in danger. 

"I'll go," he says getting looks not only from his team, but also both captains. He can almost see the objections on his dad's tongue, so he continues before Owen can object. "I was a dual-function FD medic in New York. All my certifications are up to date. I can do this," he says almost daring his dad to contradict him. 

Owen just nods and tells him to suit up. Captain Vega prepares the bag he will need while Judd pulls TK to the side to help him suit up. "What the hell are you thinking?" He practically growls at TK. 

"That kid needs saving and it was better than both captains risking their lives," he says, stripping down to his undershirt. Judd straps his chest harness around him as TK puts on his helmet. "I'm fine. You're not gonna lose anyone else," TK says quietly to which Judd just grunts. TK knows he's worried, but TK honestly feels steady. 

Jumping through a minefield had his blood pumping and his adrenaline flowing. He almost forgot what Owen had said earlier as he zoned in on work. The call goes faster than TK expects even though his dad almost got blown up. TK felt steady, felt sure of what he was doing and keeping Wes alive. It felt good to get back to the medic side of calls. Once the bomb squad cleared a path for them, TK helped load the boys into the ambulance. 

Before TK could volunteer to ride along with them, Judd pushed him towards the firetruck. TK knew their conversation was far from over, but having a good call helped refocus him. Once back at the station, Judd pulls TK out to the side yard. "That was fool-headed and stupid," Judd starts, but he pulls TK into a tight hug. "And also badass as hell. You did good," he says, making TK shake him off with a nervous laugh. He's still not good at taking praise for just doing his job. 

"Thanks. It felt… it felt good," he says with a shoulder shrug and bashful smile. 

"We'll get back to this," Judd says as they sink into some chairs. "Wanna tell me what your dad said now?" 

TK sighs as he bites his lip, his eyes dropping. He knew Judd wouldn't forget, and he knew he needed to talk about it. He just wanted to ride the adrenaline high a little longer. "I asked him why he was finally doing the surgery. He said…." TK sighs and Judd can see he's fighting tears. "He said because he's going to be a father," TK gets out quietly not looking at Judd. 

Judd is stunned. He didn't think Owen could be so callous to TK. He has to bite back a growl of anger on TK's behalf. "I mean…. I know he's happy about a new baby, and it's their…. Their second chance to get it right and not screw this one up.... but I just… " 

"TK stop!" Judd says forcefully interrupting TK's self-degradation, reaching for TK's shoulder giving it a squeeze. "You are not a screw up, you hear me?" Judd searches his eyes trying to make sure TK hears him and believes him. "You're not. And I don't give a damn how happy he is about another kid. That doesn't give him the right to ignore and hurt the one he's already got. Just because you're an adult, doesn't make you any less his kid." 

"Thanks Judd," TK says quietly. "Dad's… dad's always just been dad," he shrugs. "He wasn't around much as a kid, and then mom worked, and I just... I figured things out on my own, made some bad decisions, some not so bad…. And I became a firefighter so I could be a part of his family finally." TK hates painting his dad in this bad light, but he's just trying to be honest with someone who's always honest with him. "He's always had a hero complex and when I need saving he's there. And then he finds someone or something else that needs saving, and that's that. I'm used to it, but I dunno. It just…. It hurt this morning ya know?" TK finishes, his eyes dropping back to his folded hands. 

"Of course it did. And you have every right to feel that way, and express how you feel TK." 

TK scoffs as he finally looks at Judd. "He wouldn't listen if I said something. He'd tell me I misheard him or something. Hell he didn't even notice anything after he said it, and I know I don't have that good of a poker face," TK says with a shrug. "But that last call, it felt good. It felt right. It made me forget what he’d said for minute.  I haven't done medical since New York for obvious reasons, but it just…. I don't know it felt really good." 

"TK you were a total badass out there today. If this is something you want you should go for it. I doubt Pearce is gonna last with Tommy. I'd say he's already out the door," Judd says looking back at the firehouse. 

"Yea but…" he trails off with a deep sigh. 

"But what? You've got the qualifications and the experience. You proved yourself today for sure. Tommy would be lucky to have you." 

"But what about us? The team? Dad?" He trails off quietly.

"TK we're still a team, a family. That's not gonna change just because you move over to medical. We're gonna support whatever you want to do because that's what family does. If this is something you want you should go for it." Judd’s quiet for a moment contemplating his next words. He reaches over, squeezing TK's shoulder, making him look at him. "You don't have to do everything exactly like your dad did. You have a family that loves you and supports you, and if he's too stupid to see that, that's on him. You have to do what makes you happy, bud. And if medical is what's gonna do it, then I say go for it." 

TK nods, taking in Judd's words. "Think you could sneak me an application just in case?" TK asks him with a sly grin. 

"Yea… yea of course. Think it over, but you've always got our support," Judd says squeezing TK's shoulder one more time before heading inside. And if he decides to detour by Owen's office to give him a piece of his mind, then TK doesn't have to know. TK sits there for another minute before going to find the rest of the team to see what their thoughts are on this development.

He finds the rest of them in the kitchen. He jumps up on the counter, grabbing some chips to snack on as they hear footsteps coming down the stairs. Pearce has his bag over his shoulder, and says his goodbyes. "And another one bites the dust. Man Vega's got them dropping like flies over there," Paul chuckles. 

"Must be tough," Mateo chimes in. 

Before TK thinks it through he opens his mouth, "She's tough. So is the job. It was… um.. it was pretty exciting though," he says with a grin and a shrug jumping off the counter. 

"You should get his paycheck for this week and yours," Marjan says as Mateo chimes in, "Yea you were a badass out there." 

TK chuckles as he shakes his head at Mateo's enthusiasm. "Thanks guy," he says bashfully. "I uh… I wanted to ask you all something." He notices three sets of eyes fall on him immediately, and he can't help but nervously chew on his bottom lip. "I uh… Judd and I were talking just a bit ago…. And I just… I wanted to see…" 

"Yes," Paul says before TK can even finish, making the other two look at him strange. He gives them a shrug and a smirk having already figured out where TK was going with this. "That's not fair," comes from Marjan, and "Let him finish," from Mateo making Paul and TK both chuckle. 

Paul's unwavering support gave TK the boost he needed to spit it out. "I wanted to see how you all would feel or what you all would think if I applied for Vega's open position. Judd seemed to think it was a good idea, but I don't want to… I don't want to mess this up," he says gesturing between the four of them. 

"Yes," Paul says again as the other two appear to be in shock. TK turns to them biting at his lip as Paul clears his throat and shoots them a look. 

"TK I think you would be amazing at it," Marjan says squeezing his arm. Mateo is the only one not to say anything until Marjan nudges him. "Yea.. You'd be great at it TK. I wasn't kidding when I said you were badass today." 

"Are you sure?" TK asks, getting three nods in return. "Aren't you worried about this changing things?" He asks them gesturing between them once more. 

"No," Paul and Marjan say at the same time. "We're all still a part of the same house. We're all still gonna hang out at Carlos's. We're still family TK. That will never change," Paul finishes getting agreement from the other two. 

"Thanks guys," he says with that bashful grin again. "I wanna talk to Carlos first, but I think I really want this." 

"Vega will be lucky to have you," Marjan says. They all three converge on him for a hug before Paul gets called away and shift ends. When TK grabs his bag, he sees the application Judd must have slipped in there and smiles. He tells his team bye, barely gets goodbye out to his dad, before he's heading towards home, to Carlos's. 

Carlos was just finishing up dinner when he hears the key in the door and his boyfriend walks in. "Hey babe," TK calls, dropping his duffle at the door and kicking his shoes off.

"Don't think you're out of the doghouse," Carlos says trying to be gruff, but he opens his arms to TK for a hug and a kiss. 

"You heard?" TK says cocking his head to the side and scrunching his nose adorably. 

"Did I hear that my boyfriend went jumping through a minefield?" Carlos asks with a contemplative look. "Yes… yes of course I did because the bomb squad couldn't quit talking about it." 

TK pouts and Carlos just finds it too adorable. He gives TK a soft kiss as he squeezes him gently. "Did I also hear that said boyfriend saved two kids' lives and was a total badass about it? Yea I heard that too," he smiles kissing TK's scrunched nose. 

"Who told you that part?" TK asks, adorably confused. 

"Judd sent me a text while they were watching y'all jump through the field. Then he let me know you were fine and had done a stellar job." 

TK gives him a bashful smile finally letting Carlos get back to plating their dinner. "Yea it was pretty cool," TK says, getting two glasses of tea as Carlos brings their food to the table. "I uh… I haven't felt that good on a call in a long time," TK says barely meeting Carlos's eyes. He has the support of his team, but he's still nervous about telling Carlos what he wants. 

"Yea? That had to make for a good day then right?" Carlos asks, picking up on TK's nerves but not pushing him. 

"Mmmm yea," TK says with a nod as he digs into the delicious as always food. "That part of the day was good. The rest…." He trails off with a shrug. 

"Wanna talk about it?" 

"Eh… dad just made some comment that hurt," TK says shrugging it off. 

"TK your feelings are valid no matter what he says, you know that right?" Carlos asks, laying his hand over TK's. He knows TK and Owen have their spells where Owen won't listen and makes TK feel unheard and insignificant. But he wants TK to know it's ok to feel what he feels and to voice those feelings. 

"Judd said the same thing," TK says, finally meeting his eyes. 

"Then maybe you should start believing it," Carlos smiles. 

"Yea… and then the call today. It just…. It got me thinking," TK says pushing his plate away and climbing into Carlos's lap straddling him. He wants the comfort of being close to his boyfriend. 

"Yea? Thinking about what?" Carlos asks, wrapping his arms around TK’s waist. 

"What I really wanna do. Today was so invigorating and I felt really good about it. I felt confident and sure of myself. Something I haven't felt on the job since New York. And I talked it over with Judd and the rest of the crew, and I think…" he trails off biting his lip. Carlos rubs his back and softly kisses his lips to get him to stop biting it. "I think I want to apply to Captain Vega's open paramedic position." 

Carlos gives him a soft smile and softly kisses his forehead. "I think with that big caring amazing heart of yours that you will make an amazing paramedic," Carlos murmurs.

"Yea?" 

"Yes baby. I think you would rock at it." 

TK lets out a breath he didn't realize he was holding as he lights up. "Would you maybe wanna help me type up this resume then?" TK grins toying with the buttons on Carlos's polo. "I mean I can do it, but I'd…" 

Carlos kisses him to interrupt him. "Yes. I will," he grins. 

They finish dinner, and Carlos clears the plates as TK gets his laptop. They type out TK's resume for the paramedic application, and Carlos is honestly impressed. He already knew TK had been on the job straight from high school, but he didn't realize what great scores TK had on his tests or how many commendations of Valor he had already racked up. "Baby this is impressive," Carlos says in awe. 

TK blushes and shrugs him off.  "Captain Vega is going to be lucky to have you," Carlos says kissing TK's forehead. "You said you talked to the team, so what did your dad say?" Carlos asks. He knows TK said Owen had made a hurtful comment and he's trying not to push TK, but he is curious. 

"I haven't told him," TK says with a shrug. Carlos wrinkles his forehead at that, setting the laptop on the coffee table and pulling TK into his lap. 

"I see. Do you wanna tell me what happened?" Carlos asks him softly. TK bites his lip before recounting the conversation with Owen earlier and what Judd told him. TK can feel Carlos's anger, and he runs his hands through Carlos's curls to try and calm him. Carlos takes a couple deep breaths knowing this is about TK, not him. 

"TK, I'm going to agree with Judd on this one. I know sometimes your dad speaks before he thinks, and I don't like how he makes you feel insignificant and unimportant. Because you are the most important person and you deserve to feel how you feel. I get why you don't want to tell him, but he's going to find out and you're gonna have to talk at some point." 

Carlos runs his hand up and down TK's back, "But no matter what, I'm going to support you, and I'm going to love you, and I'm always going to be here no matter what. This is your home too, and you’re my life. I never want you questioning where you belong ever again." 

He reaches up and wipes TK's tears. "I think you're going to make an amazing paramedic, and if you need help coming up with what to say to your dad, then I'm here. Whatever you need," Carlos says as TK dives in for a hard passion filled kiss. 

"I love you too Carlos, so much," TK murmurs as he snuggles his face into Carlos's neck. They eventually make it to bed with TK feeling confident in his choice to apply. He hopes Vega will accept it because now that he's set his mind to it, he really wants it. He knows he's going to have to talk to his dad at some point, but for now he falls asleep in his boyfriend's arms, happy and secure in his choice. 

[marjansmarwani]

I’m far away, but I am right there 

1.6k || ao3

While TK is fighting the wildfire Carlos does his best not to worry. Mostly, he fails. Fortunately for him, he has someone on his side too. ---- Missing moment (I'd like to think) from 2x03

A slightly belated gift for the wonderful @lonestarbabe! I originally was working on something completely different, but I wanted to give you something with some Mya. I hope you enjoy it 💕

Beta’d by @officereyes and title courtesy of @firefighterstrand 

----------------

The weeks-long battle against the San Angelo fire continues at this hour, with officials now saying the blaze has consumed more than 180,000 acres with less than 5% containment. 

They had the news on again. 

Carlos did his best to ignore it, willing himself to focus solely on his paperwork and nothing else. 

Response teams are exhausted, most of them having been in this fight for days now in dangerous and inhospitable conditions, grabbing what little rest they can, here on the front lines of this inferno. 

But it was hard when all his brain wanted to do was worry about TK. His boyfriend was 200 miles from home on the front lines of the worst wildfire in Texas history, and tidbits of information like that were not helpful in lessening his worry.

At first he told himself it would be fine, it would just be a day or two before they’d have the fires under control. But as one day stretched into several and then became a week, it became harder with each passing breath to not focus solely on this fear. He wondered if this is how his past boyfriends had felt about his job. Secretly he doubted it; not because of the lack of risks, but because of their lack of investment. But if they had ever felt even an inkling of this, he was sorry he had put them through that. 

Distantly someone made a smartass comment about the coverage and Carlos clenched his jaw in an effort to not bite their head off. He was writing with just a little bit more force than usual when the chair beside his desk was suddenly filled as his partner plopped down next to him, eyebrows raised: “you look like a walking tension headache.” 

“With observation skills like that it’s a wonder you haven’t made detective yet.” 

Mya raised an eyebrow at his tone and his words, “and so pleasant too.” 

Carlos put down his pen and sighed, running a hand down his face before turning to face her, “I’m sorry, I’m just a little…”

“Tense? Worried? Acting like a dick?” Mya provided helpfully. 

“Yes, yes, and I’m sorry,” Carlos replied, glancing over his shoulder at the news footage still running, “I just hate thinking about it. I hate that he’s facing that,” he gestured to news currently showing what seemed to be just acres of flames and a permanently smoke-filled sky, “and there’s nothing I can do about it.” 

Mya’s expression softened as she leaned closer, “I hate to break it to you Carlos, but you’re human. Those feelings come with the territory. Especially when you’re in love.” 

That caught Carlos’s attention. He had returned to his paperwork, but now he faltered in his writing, pen pausing on the form he was filling out, freezing before he slowly looked up to meet his partner’s knowing and marginally smug expression. He shook his head, “I’m not...I never said…” 

Now Mya scoffed, “Please. Like it’s not painfully obvious to everyone but the two of you.” 

She looked at him expectantly, but Carlos was quiet after her words and her knowing grin shifted into a frown, “That’s not a bad thing, Carlos. You two love each other. In most universes, we call that a good thing.”

Carlos was quiet again before he turned to look at her, “yeah, I know.”

She waited but he didn’t elaborate. “And?” she prompted, “I feel like there’s a but.” 

“But,” he agreed, “I just never really thought about it before, you know?” 

She still looked puzzled but when he glanced at the news again, something seemed to click in her mind: “You’ve never said it to him.” 

Carlos peeled his eyes away from the new footage to meet hers once again, “No,” he agreed quietly, “I haven’t.”    

“And now you’re doing your pessimist thing and wondering if maybe you won’t have the chance now.” 

“I am not a pessimist,” Carlos objected hotly before deflating, “but yes. I mean, Mya, he’s on the front lines of the worst wildfire in Texas history. And he’s an incredible danger magnet. I’m just…” 

“Worried,” Mya finished, and Carlos nodded. “Got any advice for that?” he asked in what he hoped was a joking tone, but judging by her expression, he failed. 

“Trust him.” 

He looked at her sharply and she shrugged, “What? You two are the type of couple I use to remind myself love does exist and it’s not all a con by the wedding industry. I don’t really think the universe will pull you two apart just yet. TK is good at what he does, don’t forget that.” 

“I know he is, but…” 

Mya scowled at him and picked up one of the paperclips on his desk to flick at him. He swatted it away and gave her a look of indignation, “what was that for?” 

“For being a pessimist again. Stop it. There’s no use dwelling on the worst. Have a little faith, Carlos.” 

“I never thought I’d see the day when you’d be the one telling me off for being a pessimist.”

“Neither did I, but here we are. I don’t like it either, so you better get out of this funk ASAP.” 

Carlos rolled his eyes but was distracted by the sound of his phone vibrating on his desk. Mya followed his gaze to it as he picked it up, “Is that him?” 

He shook his head as he read the message, frown deepening, “no, it’s his mom.” 

“You’re texting his mom? And you’re having doubts about your feelings for him?” 

“I never said I was having doubts about my feelings,” Carlos countered, “and it’s practical. He doesn’t get a lot of time to make calls so we keep each other updated when one of us hears from him.” 

“What does he have to say? Are they wrapping up?” 

“No,” Carlos said grimly, setting down his phone, “his dad is missing in action.” 

“What?”

“Apparently he was doing an aerial search and his helicopter went down, inside the active burn zone.”

“Shit.”

The two partners sat in silence for a few moments before Carlos finally asked the question echoing in his mind, “what are the chances TK doesn’t end up going after him, even though he was told to stand down?” 

“Little to none.” 

Carlos sighed, leaning forward and pinching the bridge of his nose, “that’s what I thought.” 

“Hey,” Mya said bracingly, leaning forward, “don’t forget what we just said. Your boy’s smart and good at what he does. And he has something pretty special to come home to. He’s not going to do anything stupid. Well, nothing really stupid,” she amended when Carlos gave her a skeptical look, “he’s going to be fine, and back before you know it.” 

“I hope you’re right,” Carlos replied quietly, “you have no idea how much I hope you’re right.” 

Mya gave him a sad smile, leaning across his desk to place a comforting hand on his arm, “Lucky for you, I usually am.”

Despite everything, he smiled, “Yeah,” he agreed, “you usually are.” 

“I am so glad to know you have finally admitted my brilliance,” she quipped with a grin, “but that also means you should believe me when I say that it’s going to be fine. You just need to believe in him, and trust him.”

Carlos was quiet again for a few moments before he responded, voice thick with emotion, “I do,” he told her, “I do believe in him and trust him. More than anyone else.” 

“Then all that’s left for you to do is wait, and be ready to be there for him when he gets home.” 

Carlos turned his head, glancing at the news coverage again. It still looked like hell on earth, and he still hated the thought of TK anywhere near it, but Mya was right. About so many things. He did love TK, and he intended to tell him. But that would have to wait for when he came home, and Carlos would be ready for him. For whatever he needed. 

“Thank you,” he told Mya, “really.” 

Mya smiled at him: a sweet and sincere thing. She rose from the chair beside his desk, squeezing his arm as she moved away, “Anything for you two. I’m rooting for you, you know. Can’t have my favorite couple falling apart on my watch.” 

“Are you shipping us?”

“Who isn’t?” 

With that, she turned to leave and Carlos called after her, “Just wait until you find that someone. I am never going to give you a moment of peace so you’ll know exactly how it feels.” 

“That is a risk I am willing to take,” Mya called over her shoulder. 

Carlos rolled his eyes at her, still smiling at her antics until his gaze caught the phone in his hand once again and he could feel the fear rise up again. He knew Mya was right, TK was good at what he did. That didn’t quell the fear; the enormous weight of knowing someone you loved was in need of help that you couldn’t provide. It made him feel helpless, and Carlos Reyes did not like feeling helpless. 

Mya was right about something else too, he thought as he put his phone down and forced his focus back to the task at hand. His boyfriend would come back home. And when he did, he would need someone to lean on. Carlos fully intended to be that something, but until then he just needed to trust TK. 

In so many ways trust and love were the same thing; so as long as he loved him, he could trust him too.  

[dawntainbobbynash]

Calm Down

SPOILERS FOR 2X03.

When TK storms out of the tent, Judd follows.

TK & Judd ~ 757 ~ AO3

And your father would be the first one to agree with me.

TK marched out of the tent, jaw set, hands clenching into fists. Every instinct screamed at him to gear up, to jump in a truck or an ATV, hell, even to just run up to the crash site on his own two feet. Adrenaline pumped through his veins, blood roaring in his ears, chasing off the bone-crushing exhaustion of fighting a losing battle.

“TK.”

He ignored Judd’s call, picking up his pace.

“TK!”

Judd’s hand clamped down on his shoulder, spinning him around. “Don’t,” TK snapped, tearing free.

“Don’t what?” Judd challenged, grabbing his sleeve and pulling him back when he tried to march off again. “Don’t stop you from getting yourself killed? Believe me, some days, nothing would give me more pleasure.”

“I’m not gonna get myself killed.”

“Really?” Judd said. “What exactly is your grand rescue plan, then?”

“I-”

TK stopped, crossing his arms and looking away.

“That’s what I thought,” Judd said, relaxing a little, still keeping a watchful eye on him. “The commander’s right, kid, and you know it. We all hate it, but we all know it.”

“That’s my dad out there, Judd,” TK protested. “I can’t just- How am I supposed to just sit here?”

“You don’t just sit,” he answered. “We’ll figure something out, and in the meantime, you call your mom. Call your boyfriend, too, if you want. You tell them what’s going on, and cool off while you’re at it, because Owen’s gonna need you at your best when we go get him. Got it?”

Reluctantly, TK nodded. I guess it’s something. “I can do that,” he muttered.

“Good.”

When Judd didn’t move, TK arched an eyebrow in question. “Get your phone out,” he said, gesturing at his pocket. “I ain’t going till I have proof you ain’t gonna run off the second I turn my back.”

Pursing his lips, TK pulled his phone out.

His shaking hand nearly dropped it.

Judd’s hand on his arm was much gentler this time, steering him towards a seat. “Sit,” he said. “I’ll go find you some water.”

He dropped into the chair, knowing the pain in his throat had nothing to do with dehydration, staring at the blank screen. How am I supposed to tell Mom?

Dad was never the one in trouble. Not like this. It was always him. He didn’t…

“Judd?”

The name came out tiny. Broken.

Starting to walk away, Judd turned back. “Yeah, kid?”

“Are they…”

Where am I even going with that? He doesn’t know anything more than I do.

Nobody does.

“He just beat cancer,” he finished weakly.

“Which means he’s a fighter,” Judd said assuredly, heavy footsteps soft as he returned to TK’s side, ruffling his hair with a rough hand. “Just like the rest of us. Ain’t nobody giving up until he’s back where he belongs.”

TK ducked away, batting his hand off and shooting him a half-hearted glare. “Really?”

A chuckle wiped away Judd’s sober expression. “Really.” He pointed at the phone. “Call someone.”

Smoothing his hair, TK lifted the phone to his ear, listening to it ring. “Go away.”

“Now, is that any way to talk to your mother?”

TK pushed him back. “You know damn well who I was talking to.”

“Yeah, yeah,” Judd said, heading off. “Your ass better still be in that chair when I come back.”

“My ass’ll be wherever I want it to be,” TK shot after him.

“If it’s in the fire, I ain’t rescuing you.”

Despite everything, a smile flickered across TK’s face.

Until his mom answered. “Hey, sweetheart. How are you doing?”

His face fell, the terror crashing over him all over again, the reek of smoke threatening to suffocate him, the darkness threating to drown him. “I’m…”

He glanced after Judd. He had disappeared into the night, but he caught sight of Marjan and Paul and Mateo still in the tent, soot-stained and exhausted but talking passionately with each other, poring over the maps, and Judd’s words echoed in his ears:

Ain’t nobody giving up until he’s back where he belongs.

“TK?” Mom asked. “Are you ok?”

He swallowed down the fear. “I will be,” he answered. “We all will be. But it’s, uh… it’s about Dad.”

He ran his hand through his hair, messing it up again, exactly where Judd had. Bowing his head, curling his fingers in, he found the strength to keep talking.

We’ll get him back, he echoed to himself.

We will.

We have to.

[howtosingit]

Fic: I Just Wanted You to Know (This is Me Trying)

“My words shoot to kill when I’m mad / I have a lot of regrets about that / and maybe I don’t quite know what to say / but I’m here in your doorway”

*

Carlos makes a nice dinner, TK leaves in a hurry. But then, he comes back. (Immediately follows the 1x02 disaster dinner, not canon compliant.)

2.4K | Also on AO3

A/N: Taylor Swift made me write this. Title from “This is Me Trying,” my favorite song from Folklore. 

------

Carlos is nearly elbow-deep in soapy water as he scrubs forcefully on the baking dish in the sink. He knows that he could easily let it soak overnight, or put it in the dishwasher, but the nearly-mindless task helps him to calm down, and refocus. Besides, it may be nearly one in the morning, but he’s not falling asleep anytime soon.

His steel blue shirt still hangs open from when TK tried to rip it off of him only an hour before, reminding him that he should try to find the buttons before he steps on one when he’s barefoot. His mind is suddenly assaulted with the phantom feeling of lips on his neck, and he takes a deep breath, dropping the sponge into the water to tightly grip the counter in front of him. That’s the last thing he wants to be thinking about right now. 

He’s upset. Yes, at TK, for walking out without telling him what the fuck he did wrong. For acting like it was such a big deal for them to know something about each other besides what they look like when they come. For throwing his dinner and his feelings back in his face without any regard for what that would do to him.

But more than all of that, he’s mad at himself. He’s mad for always trying so hard, for always pushing people further than they want to go. He’s mad for letting the overwhelming feeling of a  connection that followed his hookup with TK drive him to force something deeper between them. He’s an attractive guy with a good job and a nice apartment and a cool car; that’s all men seem to want from him, and he should probably stop expecting anything else. 

It hurts. He’s 26-years-old, he’s known who he is since high school, and it’s not getting any easier. Living in Texas was never going to make being gay a walk in the park, but he doesn’t understand why he can’t find someone who’s willing to put in a little bit of effort. He can’t keep doing this casual string of hookups that feels endless, not when it leaves him feeling more like a shell of a person each and every time.

It felt different with TK. Carlos met him at work, for one. Here, he thought, is another man who gets it. Someone else who runs into dangerous situations because he wants to protect people. There was a relief, almost, of not having to worry about whether TK was only interested in him for his uniform, and he let that relief cloud his judgment, turning their brief and flirty interactions into the beginnings of something that was never meant to be. 

Carlos clenches his jaw, reaching back into the soapy water for the sponge. He can feel a slight headache coming on, probably from a combination of the lateness of the hour and the lack of food in his stomach. With a sigh, he gives up on the dishes, quickly drying his hands off on a dish towel. He’ll clean the rest of them in the morning, once he’s had a few hours of sleep. He moves towards the dining room table to grab his phone, when a knock on his front door stops him in his tracks.

He has no idea who would show up at his apartment at nearly one in the morning. For a moment, he hesitates, wondering how he should handle this. He lives in a nice neighborhood, and he’s not afraid of anybody who could be on his doorstep; on the other hand, an unexpected visitor in the middle of the night can only mean bad news, and Carlos feels his heart start to race as his adrenaline kicks in.  

He jumps a bit when his phone vibrates on the table next to him. Glancing down, he sees a text from the last person he ever expected to hear from again.

It’s me

Carlos swallows, his heart continuing to pound in his chest as he quickly moves towards the door. He pulls it open, his brows furrowing in complete confusion at the sight of the man before him.

TK stands against a background of darkness, his yellow hoodie bright in the light pouring through the open door. Carlos takes him in, searching for any sign of injury or some other explanation for what’s going on. He notices TK’s hands tucked away inside the front pocket of his sweatshirt, the way he bites down on his bottom lip, and the puffiness around his red eyes.

“TK,” Carlos starts, his voice oddly blank. “What are you doing here?”

The man just stares back at him, his body clearly tense as his eyes shift to look everywhere but directly at him. He feels his own face harden, his frustration mounting at the way that this man makes him feel so damn much, and he’s just about to tell TK to go home when the other man breaks the silence, his voice thin.

“I was in the area and I saw that your light was still on.”

Carlos stares back at him, confusion clear on his face. “You left an hour ago, TK,” he reminds him, crossing his arms in front of his chest as he plants his feet in the doorway. 

“Yeah,” TK admits, and Carlos watches as his green eyes shift down towards his chest; unlike before, he does not let the feeling of TK’s gaze on him affect him. At least not too much. “I, um, I took a walk around, to cool off a bit,” he explains, gesturing towards something in the distance that Carlos can’t see. “You have a really nice park at the end of your street.”

“You mean the park that closed at 10?” Carlos asks, raising an eyebrow. “What is this, are you trying to get arrested or something?”

TK visibly swallows, ducking his head down at Carlos’s chastisement. The act of uncertainty softens the edge he’s feeling, and he takes a deep breath, letting go of some of the tension in his shoulders. 

“Do you want to come inside?” he asks, watching as TK’s head shoots up at the unexpected question. Carlos can’t help the slight smile that pulls at his lips; as much as he wishes it wasn’t the case, he finds TK to be incredibly endearing.

“No, no, that’s okay,” TK hurries to assure him, shaking his head. “It’s late, and I don’t want to keep bothering you. I just,” he huffs, tipping his head back to look up at the clear night sky, “I just really hated the idea of you going to bed angry.”

It’s a statement that doesn’t really make sense to Carlos. Why would TK care if he’s mad or not? But it also makes his stomach twist in a knot, the idea that maybe his initial impression of the firefighter wasn’t entirely incorrect sparking his curiosity. He can’t help but want to know more about this contradiction of a person. 

With a nod, Carlos steps forward onto his front walk, pulling the door closed behind him. The unexpected action causes TK to jump back, giving Carlos space to sit down on his front step. He brings his knees up to his chest, folding his arms on top of them, and stares straight ahead at TK’s shoes.

“I’m more upset than angry,” he admits, rubbing at his brow as he works out what he wants to say, “and most of what I’m feeling isn’t even about you. I mean, there’s a lot of confusion, which is definitely your fault, but the anger is more at myself.”

He sees TK shift in front of him, rocking from side-to-side, before he moves forward to take a seat next to Carlos. A sudden warmth flares up on Carlos’s right side at his proximity, but he tries his best to ignore it. 

“Why would you be angry at yourself?” TK asks gently, and Carlos can picture his face: his brown eyebrows furrowed in confusion above those soft, twinkling green eyes. He wants more than anything to look over at him, drink him in, but he knows he’s just asking for trouble if he does. So, instead, he continues to stare straight ahead.

“Most guys that I meet, they’re kind of just in it for sex,” he replies, bringing his hand up to run through the hair at the back of his head. “Like, I’m not a stranger to casual hookups, even if I really would like something more for myself. But those guys, I usually meet on an app, or at a club, and I try not to have too many expectations.

“I guess just because of the way we first met, the fact that it was different from those others, I made some assumptions about us and what this might mean,” he continues. “I’m sorry that I acted on them and put you in a weird place.”

There’s silence after he finishes speaking, the two of them just sitting side-by-side on his front step at one in the morning. It’s completely bizarre, and Carlos doesn’t really know what’s happening, but he’s not uncomfortable with it. There’s just something about TK beside him that lessens his concerns a little bit.

He’s a little shocked when he feels a weight on his arm, and he looks down to see TK’s fingers curled gently around his bicep. He turns to look at him, unsurprised to find the exact face that he was expecting, furrowed eyebrows and twinkling eyes. It steals his breath from his lungs, the absolute beauty of this man.

“I’m sorry, too,” TK says, his voice quiet. “For not being clear about what I wanted, and then for being an asshole when you couldn’t read my mind.” 

They hold the look for a moment before Carlos nods, staring ahead again as he twists his fingers together in front of him. “Apology accepted.”

“I’m also sorry about the shirt,” TK adds, and Carlos can hear humor behind the words. “I can buy you a new one.”

The image of TK pressed up against him, forcibly tearing his shirt open, flashes through his mind, and Carlos feels his heart rate quicken at the memory. “Don’t worry about it,” he assures him, his voice coming out a little shaky. “My mom taught me how to sew buttons back on.”

From next to him, TK lets out a sudden loud laugh, the sound shooting straight through his chest. He turns to look at him, a smile forming at the look of absolute joy that has taken over TK’s face. “What?” he asks, trying not to laugh, too. It’s a truly weird night.

“Don’t tell me she got so tired of men tearing your clothes off that she forced you to learn how to sew them back together,” TK cries, an odd light dancing in his eyes. 

“Of course not, you jerk,” Carlos says, leaning over to nudge TK in annoyance. “She just wanted me to learn how to do things on my own. Don’t you make fun of my mama, TK Strand.” 

“I would never,” TK says, his grin sliding into a look of intense seriousness. Carlos raises an eyebrow at him, questioning his honesty. TK simply stares back, his eyes still dancing, before shaking his head and lowering his gaze down to his lap. “My god, who are you?” he questions suddenly, his voice rising in what sounds like disbelief. “You cook, you sew, your apartment is fully-furnished, you have a job, you’re the sexiest man I’ve ever met, you’re so fucking nice. Just, like, how are you even real?”

He ends with a loud groan, his body collapsing against Carlos as he rests his head against his shoulder. Carlos can feel a heat rising up the back of his neck as he stares down at him in shock, having now idea how to answer the man.

“You know, for the record,” TK says after a quiet moment, his head still pressed against Carlos, “I like you for more than just sex.

“I know it probably doesn’t seem like it,” he continues, his voice low, “but it’s true. I know I freaked out on you, it was all just really intense and unexpected and it took me to some bad places that still feel really raw. I thought I could handle just the physical stuff and deal with the emotional baggage later, but it kind of blew up in my face. And yours.”

Carlos listens carefully, trying to fill in the gaps with everything that TK’s not telling him. It’s obvious that TK has some skeletons in his closet, maybe recently gathered, that will help to explain his behavior this evening, but he doesn’t know if he should ask about them. Except, his heart can’t help but cling to TK’s initial declaration, about how he likes Carlos for more than just his body, and that pushes him to take a chance.

“Do you want to talk about it?” he hedges gently, trying not to spook the other man. TK lets out a sigh, shifting against him to prop his chin on top of Carlos’s shoulder, looking up at him. Carlos looks back, their faces close as they study one another. Those green eyes are absolutely stunning.  

“I think I do,” TK admits, bringing his hand up to drag his fingers along Carlos’s jaw. “But it’s a long story, so maybe not tonight. Is that okay?”

Carlos nods before he even has a chance to consider it, leaning forward to press their foreheads together. “Yeah, TK, that’s okay. Whenever you’re ready, I’ll be here.”

He finds that he means that.

Before he can overthink it, he leans up to press a soft kiss at TK’s hairline, hearing the way the action draws a heavy breath from the other man. Slowly, Carlos relaxes back against his front door, wrapping an arm around TK’s waist to pull him closer. The firefighter goes willingly, folding himself against Carlos’s side as his hand comes up to rest against his exposed chest. 

They stay there in the stillness of the Texas night, letting time move on without them. Carlos closes his eyes for a moment as he relishes the opportunity to finally be more for someone, just this once. Just like he’s always wanted.

It’s even better than he expected.

[ravens-words]

my sunshine in the darkness, part 3 of 6 《AO3》

For @kaonoppakaos

In a world where soulmates have danger meters that tell them how much danger their soulmate is in, TK and Carlos, who have been living thousands of miles apart for most of their lives, are in near constant uncertainty and fear as to the fate of their soulmate.

That is, until TK moves to Texas.

Or

Five times one of them was in danger and the other couldn't do anything about it, and the one time one of them could.

"Hey, you ready?"

Carlos looked up from his book and was met with the sight of his sister in the doorway,  looking at him expectantly.  "Do I have to?" He griped.

She rolled her eyes. "Yes. Now quit whining and get dressed."

"Cami, I know nothing about wedding dresses, why are you taking me with you?"

She put her hands on her hips. "Because mom isn't here, Vicky is God knows where and so you, little brother, are my last resort."

Carlos huffed and put his book down. "Alright. I'll be down in ten."

"You have five minutes; we're already late," with that, and without waiting for his response, she was out the door in a flurry of movement.

Carlos groaned and flopped down onto his bed. Today was going to be a long one.

.

"Hands off my radio," Cami said, without taking her eyes off the road.

Carlos ignored her and reached forward.

He got a slap on the back of his hand for his trouble.

He cradled his hand close to his chest and rubbed at the stinging skin. "What the hell, Cami?"

"I warned you."

He sank low in his seat, crossed his arms over his chest and just glared ahead.

His sister chuckled. "Oh, come on, don't pout."

He didn't react in any way.

"Fine," she said with a groan, "you can change the channel, you little drama queen."

"I am not a drama queen," he protested, "your taste in music just suck- Cami, look out!" Carlos tried to warn her.

He was too late.

The car was barreling towards them way too fast.

When the truck hit them, the collision was jarring enough that Carlos' head snapped against the window. He didn’t know how long it took, but when the car stopped moving, and he was able to open his eyes, everything around him was blurry. He blinked slowly, uncomprehending, and swallowed thickly as pain shot up through his legs. His head lolled to the side, and his heart stuttered when he saw his sister, slumped against the driver's door and still.

"Cami," he slurred, voice barely above a whisper.

She didn’t respond, didn’t even move.

“Cami,” Carlos called out to her again, and she still didn’t move. He let out a sob, and tried with all his might to move, but his limbs felt like jelly, and his movements were clumsy at best.

The truck that had hit them was now backing away, and Carlos tried to reach his phone, which had slid out of his hand and onto the floor of the car after the impact.

He couldn’t.

A stabbing pain in his head had him closing his eyes, and his chest tightened.

"Cami," Carlos tried again, and this time, he was able to reach out a hand and touch her shoulder. He tightened his grip and shook her shoulder;  gentle at first, then more frantic with each second she didn't respond. "Cami?"

"Cami, please."

TK stumbled into the house, and barely managed to keep himself upright as he used the wall for support.

He must have made some noise, because his father was in front of him in mere seconds, holding his chin between two fingers and lifting up in order to meet his eyes.

He looked scared, TK thought, and pissed.

It was an almost distant observation, and TK felt like he was floating.

He stumbled again, and his father steadied him. "What did you take?" His father demanded.

TK didn't really understand what he meant by that, and grunted as his legs buckled underneath him.

"Damn it, TK, tell me what you took, kid."

He shook his head and clutched his father's shirt and waited for the pain to pass.

Seconds later, it did.

Now with a clearer head, he realized what this must have looked like to his father and quickly held up a hand to show him his glowing mark.

Owen let out a sigh of relief, which then turned into a concerned look as he lead TK to the sofa.

TK couldn't tear his eyes away from the bright red mark.

Fear clawed at his throat, almost overwhelming in its intensity, as the color changed from red to orange then to red again.

It almost made him dizzy yet again.

The pain came and went, in the next fifteen minutes or so, and even when at its most intense, it hadn't lasted for more than a few seconds. This time was different, though- shaper, which meant one of two things; either his soulmate was closer to him now, or whatever had happened was bad, worst than anything his soulmate had ever gone through.

His father came back, a tall glass of water in his hand, but TK couldn't stomach the thought of drinking anything.

He took it from him though, the stinging cold grounding him.

"TK?"

"I can't do this," he blurted out, as he watched the band change to a darker red. His father looked down and winced sympathetically.

"I can't keep- is he gonna die? Am I gonna- am I going to- is he-"

Two hands, warm and comforting, cupped his face. He leaned into the touch.

"Kiddo, I know this is hard-"

"Do you? Have you ever felt like this? Has mom ever been in this much danger?"

His father paused, then shook his head. "No, but- your mother has been in your shoes, more times than I would have liked," he told him quietly. He hesitated, then added, "Enzo, too."

TK frowned. "Enzo? I thought he just didn't have a mark?"

Owen shook his head. "Not my story to tell, kid, but- maybe you should talk to him?"

TK nodded, dazed. His father patted his shoulder and got up, and TK set his glass on the table in front of him.

Enzo had had a soulmate at some point.

But for as long as TK had known him, Enzo's wrists had been bare.

Which meant his soulmate had died.

TK couldn't imagine what that would have felt like. If his soulmate getting hurt had nearly incapacitated him, he couldn't imagine what a death would feel like.

His heart hurt when he thought about what something like that would have done to someone as good, as kind and gentle, as Enzo.

He looked down at his mark, now a faded orange, and allowed himself a breath of relief.

As much as he had liked the idea of a soulmate when he was younger- and still did now, to some extent, he had to admit how daunting they were. Some days, it felt like he was living in a constant state of distress, and he found himself checking his mark almost obsessively. And sometimes he would ignore it, pretend it didn't exist.

The thing he hated though, more than anything, was the ambiguity.

With these soul marks, nothing was set in stone. No two people had it the same, simply because there were too many factors that affected it. Your soulmate's location, for example, affected how intense the pain echoes were. And so did the severity of the pain or danger. Their pain tolerance also messed with the colors, and so did their mental state- a panic attack, for example, if severe enough, could turn the mark red.

TK wished, with every fiber of his being, that there was a way to communicate with his soulmate; because he needed to know. He needed to know if he was okay, needed to know if there was anything he could do.

Instead, he had to be the helpless audience of one to his suffering.

He traced his mark again, the bright orange both a source of worry and relief.

TK blinked back tears.

Please be okay.

The next twenty four hours were a rollercoaster of emotion. The band color kept changing- from a soft yellow to a vibrant red, to the normal black and then back again.

It was exhausting.

TK would do anything to make it stop.

He shut his eyes tightly, cutting off that line of thinking because it didn’t lead to anything good.

When three hours passed with no change in color, TK smiled down at his wrist, then threw himself back into the couch, grabbing a cushion and curling up around it.

He closed his eyes, and drifted off into a dreamless, restful sleep.

[beeexx]

Meet the Family

Carlos meets Gwyneth Strand for the first time. 

Set before 2x01, a missing scene. 

Word count: 13.3. Read on AO3. 

TK has spent the better part of the week in offices of higher ups, getting cleared for active duty again, which means he hasn’t had the time to see Carlos much at all. But he’s been looking forward to lunch together all week, and therefore, he spends the better part of it sending him looks that Carlos can read into however he wants to, but judging by the slightest tightening of his grip around the fork or how his foot keeps climbing higher up TK’s leg, almost unconsciously, he’s definitely thinking along similar lines as TK is.

Not that the lunch isn’t lovely and being in Carlos’ presence is making TK feel a little like a moth to the flame, Carlos’ undivided attention on him is unlike anything he’s ever experienced before, a little addictive for sure and TK knows all about what that’s like. But this is the good kind of high, the one leaving you with tingles all over, wide smiles that are real and butterflies in your chest.

But putting all the lovey dovey feelings he’s definitely experiencing aside, he’s also, and unashamedly so, a little horny and he hasn’t had sex in ages because of this stupid injury and Carlos’ stupid (and hot) caring side that refuses to give in to TK’s puppy dog eyes because strenious ativities are not yet approved by the doctor. Or they haven’t been, until now, so now he’s going to look at his boyfriend and put all kinds of images in his head that they can later on reenact in his bedroom. 

Yep TK is a genius. 

On the drive over to TK’s he can barely keep his hands to himself though, biting at his lip, hard to prevent himself from reaching out for Carlos and causing an accident, that would defeat the purpose of the car ride altogether, even though it’s really tempting. His house is closer and Owen is on a shift, yes TK double checked so the promise of an empty house and a whole afternoon to take advantage of, is making him feel extremely happy, butterflies in his stomach kind of happy, while he also has to remind himself that they’ll arrive soon and he doesn’t need to attach himself to Carlos just yet.

But it’s proving to be really hard, the anticipation in the air between getting harder and harder to ignore. 

Once they do make it to TK's house, he immediately pulls Carlos close, his patience all but gone now when they’re finally able to touch and Carlos seems to be in a similar position to him. He pulls TK closer, shifts a little so the angle TK is currently in allows him to rub perfectly up against Carlos’s crotch, the outline of his dick digging into the inside of TK’s thigh.

Yep he needs to get them inside now.

Carlos presses up against his back as TK tries to unlock the door, leaving kisses on the exposed skin, making goosebumps erupt all over TK’s body, making it even more difficult to focus on the task at hand. The door finally makes a triumphant click and TK turns, meeting Carlos’ hungry lips before he twists the door open, the both of them stumbling inside, hands never leaving each other. The door shuts and Carlos pushes TK up against it and finally TK thinks, kissing back with the vigor of a man who has not been kissed like this by his boyfriend for days. Carlos hands travel down to the hem of his shirt, ready to throw it off. He feels the slowburn of arousal in the pit of his stomach, making him shift on his feet.

There is a cough and clearing of someone’s throat that makes both TK and Carlos freeze up in each other’s arms. TK closes his eyes and leans his head on Carlos’ sturdy chest before he thinks ‘oh God no’. 

Carlos has gone rigid instead, one hand braced against the door in an awkward fashion, his eyes trained on the ground. TK looks up, blushes all over when he spots Gwyneth sitting by the kitchen island, smirk in place and looking way too comfortable that anyone in her position should have the right to be.

“Honey.” She says teasingly and TK groans and steps out from Carlos’ arms, putting some distance between them, but makes sure to keep close.

“Mom.” He says tightly. “I thought you were arriving on Thursday.”

“It is Thursday.” She says.

“What? Right, right…” He runs a hand through his hair, messing it up, feeling like the floor has been pulled out from underneath the ground, swallowing TK whole. Fuck why is this his life?

Carlos clears his throat a few times and finally turns around, fixing his shirt, eyes flitting nervously around the room before landing on his mom. Gwyneth smirks when he finally dares to meet her eyes.

“Carlos, it’s nice to meet you, I have heard a lot about you.” She smiles, all hard edges and shark like. For all of Owen’s faults, at least he has always been supportive, that cannot be said about his mother. Carlos gulps, clearly sensing that he might not be welcome. 

“Mom.” TK tries intervening but Gwyneth clicks her tongue at him, softening her smile slightly though.

“You really are like your dad aren’t you…” She mutters but she comes forward, chique pantsuit on, hair falling in long messy curls behind her back, light makeup on, looking way too put together for someone who has spent almost 4 hours on a plane should do. 

“Did TK tell you that this isn’t the first time this has happened by the way? I once walked in on him when he was maybe 16, it was his first boy -”

“Mom!” He interrupts, ears the colour of lobsters and he keeps shooting glances at Carlos who looks like he isn’t sure if he’s supposed to leave or not. 

“Mom.” He tries again, shooting her a reproachful glare and she bites her lip, eyes gleeful. But she sips her mouth shut.

“What are you doing here? How did you even get in?”

“Your dad picked me up from the airport and drove me here.”

“Right, and no one thought to tell me?”

“He said you’d be out for lunch with Carlos. I take it the plans changed.” TK groans.

“No those plans were intact, we just decided to come here for dessert.” It’s a terrible terrible joke to make and TK regrets it immediately because Carlos winces and his mother smirks, her quick mind already coming up with ten different ways to match that reply.

“Don’t.” He warns and she chuckles, holds her hands up, backing off. 

But she doesn’t stay placated for long, she never has, and she comes forward, smile intact but somehow managing to wear an expression of impassiveness as well, her eyes fixed on Carlos as she puts her hand forward for him to shake. He looks at it for a moment, obviously confused before he puts his hand in hers in a jerky movement. She shakes it, firmly but Carlos has pulled himself together enough to match it and she looks a little less hostile immediately.

“Carlos, it’s nice to meet you, I’m Gwyneth.” Their eyes meet, and her eyes are sharp and alert, probably already having categorised everything she’s gauged about Carlos’ down in her head, already started a mental list of hers. 

His mother’s sharpness and her uncanny ability to be too adept at reading a room, any room, has served her well in her professional life. It hasn’t served TK well at all, and he learnt quickly that lying to her never worked well at all. Well apart from the drugs, that one TK hid so well that he would have probably been able to get away with it for years longer, had his dad not accidentally come home one evening and found him puking his guts out in the bathroom. Apart from that it’s been a major argument between him and his mother, her inability, that he called judgment and she called intuition, to leave that by the door or at her job, and not make up her mind about TK’s friends and boyfriends, before they were even able to make a case for themselves. 

So TK feels bad for Carlos, because he knows all too well what it feels like to be on the other side of her scrutiny. 

“Yes, Mrs. Strand, it’s nice to meet you too.” Carlos says and he looks a little more at ease, probably faking it well, but Gwyneth studies his face a moment longer before she nods admicabally, and it’s as good of an improval from her that it can be at the moment. 

“So, do you want to stay?”

“He’s not staying.” TK interrupts, he isn’t putting himself nor Carlos through an interrogation from her right now. He might need to prep Carlos for that and himself too for that matter. 

“I guess I’m not staying.” Carlos says, and it makes Gwyneth chuckle, looking between the two of them before her eyes land on TK, her eyebrow lifting in a silent question.

“But it was nice to meet you, if you’re in town for some time I’m sure we can find a time for dinner or coffee or something.”

“Yes, you know what I’m sure that’s possible.” But it’s sais genuinely so thank fuck for that. 

Carlos nods his goodbye and TK follows him to the door, feeling his mother’s eyes at the back of his neck, very obviously listening to them. He opens the door to give them some privacy and steps outside with Carlos, closing the door firmly behind them. He leans against it, feeling the air go out of him completely. Carlos is silent, waiting for him to speak.

“Soooo, that’s my mother.”

“She’s intense…”

“Tell me about it...I’m sorry, I forgot she was coming to town this week.”

“Well I guess I’m not the first to meet her this way.” Carlos jokes but it lightens the mood between them and honestly TK’s never been happier to date someone who can joke about something that could have become a massive thorn in their side going forward. Not everyone is fond of overprotective mothers. 

“Yeah… no, that was way worse than this though. She can be vicious when she wants to, that's all I’m saying, you’ve already passed her first test.”

“There are tests I need to pass?” TK shrugs awkwardly.

“Probably…”

“Well, I better bring my A game then.” TK huffs, but it turns into a soft little smile because he really can’t believe Carlos. Most people would have run for the hills by now and decided this is not worth it. Well most people would have probably run for the hills when they found out he was an addict. 

Carlos is proving to be the exception to most of the rules. 

TK steps up close and pulls him in, kissing him hard on the mouth, pulling a groan and a hiss out of Carlos who cradles his face close to slow it down before they both get too lost in each other.

Carlos is the one to stop it completely though, his eyes dark and flush high on his cheeks, looking absolutely gorgeous, and he holds TK’s head in his hands, stroking a thumb up and down his cheek gently before he smiles softly.

“I’ll call you.”

“Yeah, yeah, do that.” TK says breathlessly and Carlos leans forward to gently kiss his lips, before he steps away, TK missing him immediately. 

Before he goes back in to face his mother he needs a moment to catch his breath. He counts to 5 in his head before he opens the door and goes back in.

She’s sitting where he left her, typing away on her phone, but she puts it down when he comes towards her, lifting an eyebrow.

“Can I say hi to my son now?”

“You probably shouldn’t be allowed to after you scared my boyfriend off.” But he’s already opening his arms and she huffs, steps in close and hugs him tightly, her hard exterior melting away now when it’s just the two of them. He closes his eyes, admitting that it is nice to see her. She steps back, cups his face in her hands to look at him properly. He lets her, knows she will not calm down until she’s allowed her little ritual.  

“How are you?” She asks.

“I’m good.” She gives him a piercing look and doesn’t say anything.

“I am good! I swear.” He defends and she huffs, kisses his cheek before she steps away. 

“Good, good.” She takes out her suitcase, it’s massive, and opens it up.

“Mom, you are here for 10 days, why have you packed like you’re going to be here for months?” She heaves an unimpressed sigh and grunts, flipping the suitcase on its back before she opens it up.

“Now, now. One never knows, there could be an emergency.”

“That requires these?” He holds up the Prada heels skeptically and she rolls her eyes, grabs them out of his hands.

“These are the latest in my suede collection, they’re gorgeous right?”

“Yes, yes, they are. Still, it doesn’t answer my earlier question.” He points out. She ignores him and starts to riffle through her things before she picks up a baby blue paper bag that’s been wrapped securely in an airtight plastic bag.

“Now, that’s no way to treat your mother that comes bearing gifts.” She hands it to him and he can’t help but let out the little happy squeal as he rips it out of her hands.

“Aw you shouldn't have.” She chuckles at his delight and he immediately stands up and puts the bag down on the counter, hands twitching in anticipation, just staring at it lovingly. 

“You’re not a child, you can eat cookies whenever you want.”

“I’m 27 and I live at home.” He points out.

“Well, that is all your own doing.” But she kisses his cheek lovingly and he huffs, happy that they can still joke about the elephant in the room. He rips the bag open, mouth salivating at the sight, can’t wait any longer when the smell of freshly baked cookies hit him. 

“How is Fred? Did you tell him hi for me?” He asks, mouth around a chocolate chip cookie, munching away happily as the heavenly taste spreads around in his mouth. The cookie is still soft in the middle, it’s beautiful. 

“He is good, he says hi back and that he misses his favorite customer. Apparently Lily has started high school, can you believe?”

TK can’t, he used to remember her being so young, but she’s always been sassy and she’s going to give poor Fred hell.

Fred’s bakery was a little corner place a few blocks away from TK’s apartment. He used to go there way too often and buy all the sweet pastries in his way. The cookies quickly became a favorite, and he became Fred’s favourite customer because of it. He misses the place dearly. He still hasn’t found a bakery here in Austin he likes as much as that one, and when he keeps telling Carlos that he huffs, having become set on finding a place that will make TK just as happy as Fred’s did back in New York. TK isn’t going to complain, it’s been a fun little activity to play while he’s been on the mend and Carlos’ is almost ridiculous in his categorically organised note taking of the whole thing, dead set on finding him the perfect pastry. If it were anyone else, it would be ridiculous, but because it is Carlos and it’s a thing that’s been made to be about him, TK is just so touched and charmed by it that he’s willing to admit that Texas does have an amazing food scene, even the posh New Yorker in him is willing to admit as much. 

“Did you give me this do distract me from all the clothes you brought?” He asks again.

“No, don’t be a smartass, clothes are no joke. Also are you sure you should be mouthing off to me? You own like 20 jumpers in the same colour alone, don’t come at me.” He snorts and it brings a laugh out of her, he’s missed their banter, he really has. 

“They are not all in the same colour.” He pouts, but it shortly melts into a smile instead. “I’ve missed you.” He admits and her smile goes soft before she steps in close allowing him to pull her into a hug. 

“I’ve missed you too kiddo, so coffee, I’m in desperate need of some.”

“Yeah, yeah, let me.”

“Don’t be silly, do you even know how to work that ridiculous coffee maker?”

“You have the exact same one at your apartment, I’ve used that plenty.” He points out, making her smirk but she walks over, easily enough making herself one, looking way too familiar with the setup.

“You want one?” He shakes his head. She lifts an eyebrow.

“One a day.” He says and she nods.

TK can drink coffee, sometimes he indulges. But he tries not to have any on the days he’s off, it tends to make him a little jittery and being prone to anxiety, he tends to avoid getting his heart rate up unnecessarily high normally, or at least when it comes to drinks and food. When it comes to other stuff he’s none too happy to overindulge a bit in, particularly if their name is Carlos Reyes. 

He goes over to the fridge and takes out the tropical green smoothie from Whole Foods his dad stocks up on and Gwyneth snorts.

“That looks blergh.”

“You’re like a child.” He laughs. “It’s not the worst of his insane food ideas.” 

“No, it really isn't.” She agrees.

“His food regime hasn’t totally gone down at the station, not as well as he’d hoped at least. He tried a cheese burger a while back.”

“Did he now? Wow he’s a changed man.” She jokes and TK delights in having an ally to make fun of his dad with, someone that knows him and loves him enough that it’s okay.

And even after the divorce Owen and Gwyneth usually ganged up on him, it’s nice to have someone to side with from time to time. He sits down beside her as she sips at her coffee.

“It’s a nice place.” She comments, looks around, taking note.

“The prices are insanely low compared to New York.”

“Yes, one of the many advantages. Speaking of New York, a nice little couple moved into your apartment, did you know?”

“Yeah, dad said.”

“They seem nice.”

“Did you threaten them about the carpet in the bedroom?”

“I did, I told them how expensive it was.” She winks.

“You’re menace.”

“Yep, so what should we talk about first?”

“You really don’t know subtlety”

“I do, but I haven’t seen you in months and you are either too busy with work to reply to my texts or calls, or in a coma, or with your boyfriend, so I don’t have the time to beat around the bush.”

“In my defence, the coma wasn’t on purpose.”

“So, are you cleared for duty?” She ignores him and he nods, her eyes studying him close.

“Yeah just got cleared.”

“Good, 100%?”

“No, part time for a while.” She draws in a breath, relieved to hear.

“And therapy?” He sighs.

“She’s not like Doctor Harris, but she’s not bad either, just different.”

“Well I vetted her so.” He rolls his eyes.

“I know, you and dad really have no chill.”

“Not when it comes to you no. And so how are you?”

“Good, and that’s not a lie. Life has been weird, all over the place, crazy and hectic and in it I met Carlos who seems to have been the only stable thing in it all. But yes, it’s actually good for once.” Gwyneth smiles, proud.

“Good, I am happy to hear, really happy to hear. He seems -”

“If you insult him I’m leaving.” Her eyes widen and she burst out laughing. 

“I was going to say that I like him actually.”

“Oh? Oh, okay well that’s good.”

“I’m looking forward to meeting him properly and not when you try and rip his clothes off.” He blushes and groans.

“God, I’m never living that down am I?”

“Honey, you have a tendency to be a little bit of a mess, I’m sure you’ll find something to do soon enough that I can tease you about, in the meantime, nope, you’re not living it down.”

“Great.” She laughs and ruffles his hair lovingly. 

“I’m good at reading people, you know this, I like him, he’s different to all your previous boyfriends.”

“Different from Alex you mean.” She sighs, takes her hand away.

It’s no secret that Gwyneth has never been a fan of Alex. While Owen has almost always been supportive and hidden his disagreements when TK makes decisions he doesn’t like, Gwyneth has always been very vocal about what she thinks. Almost too vocal at times when he does things she really doesn’t like, and TK being TK and definitely his parent’s child, he’s done a lot of things she didn’t approve of. 

Alex being one of them. 

“TK I don’t want to fight, but yes, very different from Alex.” TK sighs, he doesn’t want to fight either and particularly not over fucking Alex.

“Yeah, fine…”

“I’ll have to get to know Carlos better but he clearly adores you.” TK’s eyes snap to hers trying to see if she’s lying, she isn’t. She is looking back at him with a knowing look in her eyes and TK averts his eyes, blushing and she giggles.

“Oh wow, you’re really taken by him too?”

“Shut up.” She laughs.

“I’m happy for you. I really am.”

“Thanks.” He whispers.

“Tell me everything.” He groans but sits up.

“It started badly.” But TK’s got to admit, gossiping about his love life or his life in general is something he’s missed doing with his mother. Owen is good at it but he’s just not her, doesn’t have her sharpness and wit.

“Really?”

“Terribly, which is why you have to be nice to him, he put up with me and that’s hard enough for anyone.”

“Oh shut up, you’re not a burden.”

“Yeah, yeah.” She scoffs when he doesn’t take her seriously, and moves forward, grabbing his face forcing him to look at her. She looks sad, the look she gets when TK is either being difficult or when she feels powerless and heartbroken, unable to reach him at all. He’s used to being on the receiving end of it, particularly after becoming an addict, and her face has often been shrouded in soft concern when they talk about it. 

It used to make his skin crawl in discomfort, the pity too much for him to bear. Now, he thinks she’s earned the right to care about him this way, she’s been through it all with him, and she’s the only one he can tolerate the pity with.

“I mean it, not a burden, not now and not ever and if Carlos thinks so he doesn’t deserve you at all.” TK’s mouth twitches, Gwyneth’s overprotectiveness can be worse than Owen’s aloofness to all his decisions. It’s a fine line to walk between two parents that sometimes either care too little or way too much about what he does. TK still hasn’t found a perfect way to walk between it yet. 

“He definitely doesn’t think so.”

“No?”

“No, mom, god, he’s been nothing but nice and supportive.” She studies his face closer, slightly frowning.

“I take it he knows about the addiction then?” TK nods, shrugs.

“It kind of became inevitable after a while, especially after I got arrested…”

“You did what now?!” TK flinches because whoops.

“Erm, I mean...kind of.”

“Tyler Kennedy Strand, no one gets kind of arrested.” He hates it when she uses his full name, he groans.

“Okay well you can’t be mad.”

“You know when you tell me that I can’t be mad it’s usually because you’ve done something bad.” But she lets go of his face and sits back, tapping her foot against the stool impatiently, backing off, something she rarely used to do when he was younger. 

“Yeah okay, this was stupid. He made me dinner because he’s a nice thoughtful man that misread my signals of just wanting a casul hook up, and then said something about a marriage proposal and that struck a nerve because of Alex and the cheating, so I freaked, found myself a perfect little bar where a gay man can get beat up, got into a fight and then got arrested. He was the one to process me…”

“For real? Were you drunk? Or high?!”

“No, no, of course not. Mom, you would have heard about that. I was sober.”

“Well considering your track record, sober is better, but really? What in the world made you feel compelled to do something so stupid?” TK can’t help but chuckle.

“Yeah funny, Carlos said the exact same thing.”

“Oh, smart man.”

“So I told him why because I had been a complete dick and then I continued kind of blowing him off about the whole thing which was a relationship but also wasn’t. It was very undefined for a while. He obviously wanted us to be more serious but he wouldn’t pressure me into anything, not until I wanted it too and expressed that to him. He’s just an extremely good guy, and then shit happened and here we are.”

“Huh? Shit happened, is that how you would explain it?” She smirks. “I think I like this Carlos the more I hear about him though.”

“Told you, he is a good guy.”

“Well that’s what you deserve, a really good guy.”

“Thanks.” He says, eyes flitting away, but smiling because TK cannot remember the last time he felt so good about being with someone.

As hard as it is to admit, it’s easy being with Carlos and he makes him feel really happy, a feeling TK isn’t too used to experiencing. 

“So, is there a guest bedroom here or? Owen wasn’t exactly specific.” She changes the subject, satisfied for now, but he knows his mother, there will be more words and a longer conversation about everything that has happened since he left New York.

And for once he doesn’t actually mind it, it doesn’t bring him the usual dread or irrational fear of judgement that it used to when his mother wanted to talk to him about his life. TK feels different, he probably is different from when he left New York all those months ago, feeling more stable and secure in himself than he has in ages, unable to not let those emotions merge into his growing relationship with Carlos, so unable to not admit that Carlos has alighten something in his chest that is spreading like wildfire to every part of his body, igniting every cell in its way. Yeah, being with Carlos is unlike anything else. 

Apart from that it’s nice being at a point in his life where talking about his past doesn't make him want to run away in fear. 

“Yes, there is, I’ll show you.” 

“Perfect.”

For some it might be weird having your 50+ divorced parents of 20 years live under the same roof when one visits from out of state, for the Strands/Morgans it just isn’t. His parents should have probably gotten divorced sooner than they did, but once the conversation was actually out there the fighting and the yelling stopped, both of them realising it was for the best for all of them. And ever since they started co parenting, everything kind of settled and became better for all of them. Owen became more present, involved himself in TK’s life and Gwyneth stopped bearing resentment towards having to be a stay at home mom full time and finally had the time to build a career, a very long and successful career that was, while TK finally had the undivided attention of both his parents. And underneath the anger, his parents loved each other very much and after a while they learnt to be friends again.

Then TK screwed his life up a few times and put both of his parents through hell so yeah, it was good until it wasn’t. 

But he can’t deny it’s nice to see her after so long apart. He really has missed her.

*

Read the rest on AO3.

[morganaspendragonss]

fall apart when it hurts too much

i had like three ideas for this fic so here’s all of them smashed together! ft. carlos and tk actually not being physically perfectly fine after being trapped in a fire, breakdowns in the shower, and an actual apology for that scene.

It's the smallest thing that breaks him, in the end. Ever since the fire, Carlos has been trying to keep a lid on everything, trying not to shatter even though he's been on the verge for hours now. He makes it to the shower, desperate to scrub the stench of smoke from his body, and then he just—

He drops the soap.

ao3 | 2.9k | 2.12 spoilers

Carlos barely makes it five steps from their house before his knees are hitting the tarmac, falling to all fours as his body heaves and shakes with coughing. He can’t catch his breath, and panic lights up in his chest, fingernails scrabbling at the ground despite the pain. Hands are on him, too big and rough to be TK’s, but Carlos doesn’t have a chance to work out who they belong to before they’re shifting under his arms, dragging him backwards even as their house explodes, a blast of intense heat washing over them.

If he had any breath left in him, Carlos is certain it would have abandoned him in that moment. Everything he’s spent years building for himself, all gone in the blink of an eye. It’s too much, and he collapses back down the second whoever’s holding him lets go. His eyes are streaming, a combination of irritation from the smoke, the tightness in his lungs, and a terror that he suspects won’t leave him for a long, long time. 

He gasps, forehead pressed to the concrete, and then hands are on him again, but these—these, he knows. Carlos sags gratefully into TK’s arms, allowing him to pull him close and resting his head on TK’s chest, right above his heart.

He still can’t really breathe, and judging by the ragged gasps from above him, TK isn’t faring much better. But his heart is beating. 

They’re alive.

Carlos closes his eyes, drifting away from himself as the fire continues to burn and the wail of sirens cut through the night air. TK curls his body around him and Carlos clings to that security with both hands. It means they made it out; somehow, they made it out.

TK’s lips press against his cheek, then his mouth shifts to his ear, voice rough yet still soothing when he speaks. “Baby, we need to move,” he says. “We gotta — They gotta check us out.”

Carlos feels himself nodding, but it’s the only movement he can manage. His entire body is trembling and his mind is frozen, replaying the last five minutes over and over on repeat.

God, had it only been five minutes?

“Come on.” TK tugs at his arm and, after a few tries, Carlos manages to get his limbs to cooperate long enough to begin to rise. A dizziness comes over him without warning and he stumbles, nearly pulling them both back to the ground; it occurs to Carlos that TK can’t be any more steady than he is. They’d been in there for the same time, after all.

Judd catches Carlos before he falls, and he sees through blurred vision Owen doing the same for TK. They’re led - or, rather, carried - to the ambulance, the flashing lights cutting through Carlos’s already pounding skull, and carefully lowered down onto the step. Unthinkingly, Carlos grabs TK’s hand, unsure if the tremor in the touch is coming from him or TK.

Oxygen masks are secured over both their faces and shock blankets wrapped around their shoulders, the soft material comforting. A kind-looking paramedic kneels in front of them, asking them questions about symptoms as she wraps burns Carlos didn’t even realise he’d acquired. He barely manages a nod or a head shake at the appropriate moments, his brain struggling to catch up with it all.

He’s so tired. All he wants is to be asleep in their bed, in TK’s arms, and for this to be a horrible nightmare he’s yet to wake from.

But their bed is gone. Their home is gone, ashes, only the twisted remnants of metal supporting beams left behind.

He’s shaking again, his chest constricting and causing him to cough despite the oxygen mask. Tears fall hot and fast down his cheeks and he practically falls onto TK, hands fisting in the blanket.

“I’m so sorry,” he sobs when he’s caught his breath enough to speak, pulling the mask down. “I’m so sorry.”

TK shushes him, hands running soothingly up and down his back. “It’s okay. This wasn’t your fault. We’re going to be okay.”

“But we almost weren’t.” He pulls back to meet TK’s eyes, the first time since Owen and Billy came bursting in. “I—I thought we weren’t going to make it. I should have had a fire extinguisher upstairs, this should never have… I...”

He cuts himself off, talking becoming an impossibility. TK cradles him close, kissing his head gently and whispering reassurances into his hair. Carlos hangs onto every word, not really believing them, but wanting to desperately.

By the time the paramedic ushers them into the ambulance, Carlos’s tears have eased, but the gaping pit in his chest has only grown. 

He wishes he could wake up now.

*

They’re at the hospital for a few hours, run through a myriad of tests before they’re both declared fit to leave. A smiling nurse gives them the news, telling them that they’ll be home before they know it. 

Neither of them have the energy or the ability to correct her.

Carlos’s parents come to pick them up, his mom producing a bag of fresh clothes for both of them. Where she got them from, Carlos doesn’t know, and he doesn’t ask. He hasn’t said much at all since the fire despite TK’s many attempts to get him to talk, leaning into the doctor’s advice not to do anything that might irritate his throat. He’s not sure what he’s even supposed to say; their house is gone, and that’s… That’s that.

His mom loops her arm through his and walks him through the corridors and out of the hospital. Carlos only half-listens to her talk about fixing up his room for them and what she’s planning on cooking for dinner tonight; he still feels the stench of smoke and ash clinging to his skin, even though they were able to clean up a little at the hospital. He itches with the need to wash it all off, to scrub until his skin cracks and bleeds and the pain eclipses that which lingers in his bones.

TK seems to sense how he’s feeling, constantly providing support in one form or another the entire drive to his parents’ house. Carlos feels guilty for not checking on him, but he’s seconds from shattering. If he tries to focus on anything other than holding himself together, he knows he’ll break.

He realises that makes him a shitty boyfriend, but… But.

His childhood home soon comes into view, a part of Carlos relaxing at the sight. He’s beyond grateful that they came here instead of going to Owen’s; he needs every comfort he can get right now, his mother’s cooking and his abuela’s stitched blanket second only to TK on that list. 

He turns to TK as the car comes to a stop, squeezing his hand gently. “This isn’t how I’d imagined bringing you home for the first time,” he jokes, trying for a smile, but it falls flat. TK gives him a token smile anyway, the same weariness Carlos is feeling heavy in his gaze. 

“I’m looking forward to seeing what teenage Carlos was like.”

“You already know,” Carlos points out. “I’m pretty sure my mom spilled every story there is the other night when we were… Well, you know.”

TK nods. “Yeah,” he says, his voice a mere whisper. Carlos doesn’t get it, how even the slightest thought of their house can send him spiralling, but he guesses that it’s just another thing he’ll have to deal with now. As if there wasn’t already enough.

He doesn’t get a chance to think on it any longer, his parents calling for them to come inside, his mother practically shoving the two of them upstairs. Carlos leads TK to his old room by the hand, the decorations almost untouched since he moved out.

“You can just…” He waves around, gesturing vaguely to the bed. “Make yourself comfortable, I guess. I’m going to shower, you can go in after me if you want, or I won’t mind if you just want to sleep. Bathroom is the door at the end of the hall.”

TK chews on his lip, not letting go of Carlos’s hand just yet. “I can join you?” he offers, but Carlos shakes his head.

“It’s pretty small in there. Better not.”

TK doesn’t look like he believes him (and why would he? it is a lie, after all) but he nods and lets go. Carlos lingers for a second, then leaves, grabbing the bag of clothes his mom left on his way.

He manages to scrub himself fully once before it happens. There’s still a slight tremble to his hands as he reaches for the soap again, the feeling of being unclean sticking to him, and he just—

He drops the soap.

It shouldn’t be a big deal. Carlos stares at where it’s fallen, willing himself to just pick it up and carry on, because that would be the sensible thing to do, right? The normal thing?

But he can’t. Everything—the fire, the house, the goddamn soap—is suddenly all too much, and Carlos has to brace himself against the tiles as emotions he’s tried so hard to ignore pour out of him in a wave of grief and sorrow and despair. He presses his fist to his mouth and squeezes his eyes shut, cries wrenching from his mouth, so loud that he doesn’t hear the gentle knocking at the door.

“Carlos?”

Carlos gasps, straightening as TK’s voice cuts through the noise. “I’m okay, I’ll just be a second,” he calls, but obviously he’s not convincing enough as the door creaks open, TK’s face falling when he catches sight of him.

“Oh, Carlos.”

TK steps into the room, silently undressing and stepping into the shower with him. He bends and grabs the soap from where it fell and creates a lather on his hands, looking to Carlos for permission before going any further.

Carlos wordlessly nods, so TK begins rubbing the suds over his body, touch soft and feather-light. They don’t say a word, and it’s not… It’s not relaxing, exactly - Carlos doesn’t think he can relax tonight - but it’s… It’s something. It means he’s not alone, which is all Carlos could ask for in this moment.

A slight pressure on his shoulder tells him to turn around, so Carlos puts his back to TK, facing the spray of the showerhead. He doesn’t know why, but not having to look at him makes it easier, somehow, to say the words that have been spinning in his mind since this nightmare began.

“I’m so sorry, TK,” he whispers. “If we had just had an extinguisher, then—”

“Then, nothing,” TK interrupts, not pausing in his motions. “I used to be a firefighter, Carlos; I know from experience that when a fire burns like that, nothing can stop it. My dad, Billy, and Judd all had extinguishers, and they barely made a dent.”

“I still should have done more. You were so calm, and I was just panicking.”

“Firefighter. I’ve been in plenty of burning buildings before; you haven’t. And, trust me, I was scared too.” TK sighs, his hands stilling on Carlos’s shoulders for a brief second before resuming. “Listen to me,” he whispers fiercely, planting a kiss between his shoulder blades. “You have nothing to apologise for, you hear me? Nothing.”

*

When Carlos wakes the next morning, TK is sitting on the edge of the bed, back to him, his hands twisting together in his lap. The set of his shoulders is tense, and Carlos can imagine the look on his face right now. He pushes himself up onto an elbow and reaches out, intending on comforting TK the way he’s done so many times over the course of their relationship.

What he’s not expecting is for TK to flinch away like his touch burns. Carlos frowns, sitting up fully and crawling over the bed to sit next to him. “Babe?” he asks. “What’s wrong?”

TK shakes his head, subtly—though, not subtle enough—shifting away from him until there’s a clear gap between their bodies. It’s so far removed from last night when they could barely stand to let go of each other, and Carlos has no idea what’s causing it.

“TK?” he tries, keeping his hands to himself this time. “Please, TK, talk to me.”

It takes another agonising minute before TK finally, slowly, turns his gaze to Carlos. His eyes are wet and red-rimmed, and he can’t seem to look directly at him for longer than a few seconds. He clears his throat roughly, rubbing the material of his borrowed sweats between his fingers.

“Remember last night?” he says quietly. “When I said you had nothing to apologise for? I meant that—you don’t, but I do.” TK takes a trembling breath, then turns to him with a gasp. “Carlos, I—”

“Stop,” Carlos interrupts, shaking his head. He thought they’d moved past this; he doesn’t want to think about it anymore. “I already told you, it’s okay. You were in shock, you were angry… I get it, okay? You don’t need to be sorry.”

“Yes, I do.”

“TK—”

“Carlos, please.” A couple of tears slip down TK’s cheeks and he doesn’t bother to wipe them away, a desperate look in his eyes. Carlos hesitates, then sighs and nods, gesturing for him to continue. “Thank you. I… If I thought it meant anything, I would say that I’m sorry a thousand times over. I mean, I am, of course I am, but they’re just words, right? The same as saying I wish it had never happened in the first place, because the point is that it did happen and I can’t ever take it back. You had done nothing but support me, and I just—I hit you. There’s no excusing that. I don’t even know if there’s any forgiving that.”

Carlos frowns. “Of course there is.”

“Well, maybe there shouldn’t be.” TK looks down at his lap, shoulders curved inwards. “I wanted to use so badly that night,” he admits. “I was going out of my mind over my dad, and I’d convinced myself that I’d lost you. That I was going to lose you both. It was so tempting to go to the nearest bar or dealer and make it all go away for a while.

“Then I realised that I would only be hurting more people if I did, and I couldn’t do that. I’m not… This isn’t me trying to excuse what I did to you. You don’t deserve that, and I understand completely if you can’t trust me anymore, or even if you want me to leave. I’ll do it, whatever you want, just say the word. I can’t take it back, but I’ll do anything so that you feel safe.”

TK sniffs, his head bowed so low he’s almost folding in half. Carlos hesitates, then slowly reaches out, taking TK’s hands in his own. “TK, look at me?” he asks softly.

TK does, pain written all over his face, and it breaks Carlos’s heart again. 

“I forgive you,” he says, squeezing as tight as he dares. “I forgive you. You might not think you deserve it, but I promise you that you do. I won’t pretend that what happened didn’t hurt me, but I understand why you did it.” He pauses, weighing his next words carefully before he speaks, not wanting to say the wrong thing. Not that he thinks TK will react like before again, but he refuses to make him feel any worse about the situation.

He makes sure he has TK’s eyes on him before speaking, keeping his voice as calm as possible. “But,” he starts, sighing heavily, “you are right. It’s not an excuse, and we are going to have to deal with this soon. Maybe not right now, but we need to have a conversation about these defence mechanisms of yours and how we can make sure you don’t feel the need to fall back on them again.”

TK nods. “I’m going to go to a meeting tomorrow, and I’ll talk to my therapist as soon as I can. I’ll… I’ll be better, Carlos, I swear.”

“I know you will.”

Carlos shifts closer so he can wrap an arm around TK. He stiffens at the touch, but slowly leans into it, carefully resting his head on Carlos’s shoulder.

“I don’t deserve this,” he mumbles.

“Everyone deserves a second chance,” Carlos counters.

TK snorts. “I think you’ve given me about thirty.”

“And you’ve deserved every single one.” He kisses the top of TK’s head and strokes his side. “I don’t think you could ever do anything bad enough to drive me away. That’s not who you are, TK. You’ve made mistakes, yes, but I love you and I will keep loving you even if you think I shouldn’t because I know my boyfriend and I know he’s a good man.”

TK sniffles, his arms coming up to wrap around him. He hesitates a second, a palm hovering over Carlos’s chest, trembling in mid-air as the seconds drag out. Carlos holds his breath, waiting, then smiles as TK slowly brings it down, letting it rest just over his heart.

The touch is light, barely there, but it’s something. It’s progress. 

They’re both more than a little broken, more than a little hurt, but they can heal. They will heal, as long as they’re together.

[everythingisgayandnothinghurts]

Tk finding Carlos sitting on the shower floor after a really bad shift, Tk takes care of him(and he doesn't get to hide his curls)

This took a darker turn than you were probably expecting.  My brain goes to dark places way too often.  Features Carlos whump and inspired by a post by @comablog2 and they let me write a similiar idea so thanks for that!!  Hope you guys enjoy 

It’s always the last call of the day that ends in disaster. 

Carlos could have ignored the call over the radio since he was off shift in another twenty minutes, but he decided to go help with the call after a gunshot was reported at a residential place.  TK was with his dad for a while anyways so he wasn’t in a hurry to get home to an empty house.  He got in his cruiser and followed instructions to what looked like a perfectly innocent house.  He was out of his cruiser and to the front door in seconds, pounding loudly and announcing police presence.  The door was unlocked so Carlos pulled his gun and slowly walked into the shadows of the house.  Adrenaline rushed through him as nothing but silence met his ears as he gazed around the open concept living room and kitchen.  Nothing at all seemed out of place, but Carlos knew something sinister had happened here tonight.  His heart pounded as he called out again his position with the Austin Police.  He took a slow, careful step down the wood paneled hallway when an image from his nightmares stepped out of the master bedroom on the left hand side.  

The moon was the only light in the house and the man was covered in shadows as he stumbled into the wall.  Carlos could smell the whiskey from here as it seemed to fill the air like an awful cologne. Green eyes caught his and instantly Carlos knew who it was he had caught tonight.  Those eyes haunted him even years after he had last seen them, especially in combination with that maniacal grin.  

“My little Latino doll came to join me,” Nathan Cadbury drawled lazily as he leaned against the wall.  Carlos could see he was covered in blood despite the poor lighting, but that wasn’t what made his blood turn to ice  and a band tighten around his chest.  “I heard you became an upholder of the law after all.  How nice of you to drop in.”

Carlos knew he should ignore the way blood rushed in his ears.  He should arrest this man and have him on the ground already.  He was dangerous yes, but also heavily intoxicated and he could have him on the ground in seconds if only his body would cooperate and stop being frozen to the spot.  His gun slowly lowered to his side as he stood there taking in the man that he’d thought had ruined his life when he’d been only barely eighteen years old.  He was the only monster Carlos had ever known, and he was the motivation to join up with the police academy.  He had wanted to protect the world from people like him, and he’d horrendously failed.  

The door bursts open while the two of them stand there and Carlos tries to breathe through the panic response his body would always have in the presence of Nathan.  The other man begins to laugh as other officers swarm in to arrest him and Carlos can’t look at any of them.  He was the first officer here, but he hadn’t been able to do a damn thing.  He slipped into the bedroom to get away from Nathan and felt himself sinking to the floor when his eyes rested on the body of a young latino boy sprawled lifeless on the mattress.  He had been stabbed multiple times before being shot in the head.  The gruesome murder isn’t what makes his stomach roll and his breathing quicken.  The bruises on his skin were all too familiar, and the marks around his wrists in the shape of fingers were like looking into a mirror from ten years ago.  Carlos had always thought he had deserved the way Nathan treated him.  He had thought he had done something to earn his bruises and marks.  He had told himself Nathan would never do things like this to someone else.  

He had been woefully so wrong.

He wasn’t alone long and somehow it felt like he was invisible as crime scene investigators came in to examine the body and the scene Nathan had created.  

“Carlos,” Michelle’s smooth voice reached him as he struggled to breathe. The paramedic team had likely been called to transport the body and pronounce the death.   “I thought you were off shift.”

“It’s Nathan,” Carlos said to her, knowing she could understand the horror filling him and would be the only one to understand the reason he couldn’t move or even breathe.  “They arrested Nathan for-for-”

“We need to get you out of here,” Michelle said without hesitation as she ran a hand over his hair and the touch helped to ground him.  “You don’t need to be here.  You can’t be here.”

“I c-can’t-” He felt his flimsy walls collapsing with his best friend here.  Michelle was the only person who knew the true story between himself and Cadbury.  He hadn’t been able to tell his mom even though they were close as could be.  He hadn’t been able to tell anyone about that relationship.  

“Hey, you’re okay,” Michelle told him softly with a squeeze to his arm.  “He’s being taken away for good, Carlos.  He can’t hurt you.”

Carlos was using everything in his power to avoid a full blown panic attack as Michelle tugged him to his feet and they made it out into some cool fresh air.  He unlocked his cruiser on autopilot, only wanting to get away from here.  

“You don’t really think you’re up to driving, do you?” Michelle asked as she cut in front of him to stand between him and the open door.  

“I want to go home,” Carlos couldn’t break down here in front of most of his colleagues.  He would never live that down.  His eyes were burning fiercely and all he wanted was a way to let these emotions out someplace safe.  “Please, ‘chelle, I just need to go home and away from...all this.”

“Let me drive-” Michelle started but they both knew that wasn’t even a possible option.  

“You have a job to do,” Carlos told her as he nudged her out of the way so he could get into his car.  “I can drive home just fine.  TK is coming over tonight.”  If he didn’t cancel which he was tempted to do in this kind of headspace.

“Text me when you get home,” Michelle ordered as she slowly stepped back from the car.  “I mean it Carlos, text me.  I’m coming over if you don’t, shift or no shift.  I’ll call you later on.”

“I’ll text,” Carlos promised before closing the door and taking a shaky breath in before blowing it out slowly.  He had to keep it together long enough to get home.  Nathan didn’t matter anymore.  He had grown so far past his abuser.  He had put this all behind him long ago.  Nathan was in jail now, or he would be once morning came at the very least.  

But that boy’s death was purely his fault.

Carlos had no idea how he got home safely since he couldn’t remember the drive home at all.  He probably hadn’t been safe to drive, but being alone with something to do is the only way he was holding himself together.  He was fooling himself to think he could hold this together.  He didn’t need to break down.  It wasn’t going to do anyone any good now.  The past was the past and there was nothing he could do to change it.  He made it until he stepped into the quiet shower with hot water pounding down on his back.  Nobody was here to witness this and he had nothing to distract his mind from the whirling thoughts of seeing his abusive ex-boyfriend again.  Nothing to take his mind off of the image of that bruised boy sprawled on the bed, beaten and shot.  There had been so many nights Carlos had thought Nathan was going to kill him back when he was young.  The man had an awful temper when he was drunk, and completely unpredictable.  Carlos had let himself fall in love with a man he barely knew and it had led to bruises being hidden by long sleeves and clever lies.  

The first sob shook his frame harshly as he braced one hand on the shower wall and it felt like he was twenty years old all over again and trying to gather the courage to leave the toxic relationship he was in.  Leaving Nathan had been the hardest thing he had ever done, and even back then he hadn’t had the courage to report him.   He had simply begged any God that would listen for Nathan to leave him in peace.  He had gotten his wish at the expense of someone else and that was unforgivable.  

His knees gave out as his body shook and he curled up helplessly sobbing on the floor of his shower where nobody could hear him or judge him for feeling the gaping would reopen once more.  The steam wasn’t helping when he felt like he couldn’t breathe already due to the band around his chest tightening like a noose.  It felt like he was going to suffocate with how hard he was sobbing and unable to catch a breath in between.  If he died here he would deserve it for letting that young boy die.  He was a coward and someone had paid the price for that.  He had been too weak to speak up so someone had gotten hurt.  He wasn’t the man everyone thought he was.  He was thought of as a man to be looked up to and respected.  He was thought of as brave and unshakable. 

Those things couldn’t be further from the truth.

“Carlos!” TK’s voice broke through as the water shut off hastily and Carlos had probably forgotten to even lock his door when he had gotten home.   “Oh baby, it’ll be okay.”  TK made to reach out to hold him, but Carlos flinched back without thinking.  He didn’t deserve hands on him in comfort.  He didn’t deserve to feel better.   “Carlos, you need to take a deep breath before you pass out.  You’re safe and it’s only the two of us here.  Breathe with me, baby.”

“I-It’s my f-f-fault,” Carlos stuttered out in between gasping breaths.  

“Shh, Carlos take a deep breath, okay?” TK soothed him quietly as he knelt next to the shower patiently.  “It’s going to be okay.”

“N-no!” Carlos protested.  Things wouldn’t ever be okay again.  How could they be when he was responsible for the death of another human being?  He was sworn to protect others and uphold the law.  What kind of officer broke half of that oath?  He didn’t protect that boy from being murdered by a man that should have been in prison long ago.  “I-It’s not okay.  He’s dead and it’s not okay.”

“Look at me, honey,” TK said softly, rubbing him gently with a soft towel and it was helping ground him to the moment a little more instead of being caught up in being in that house.  “Show me those beautiful brown eyes, okay?”

Carlos forced himself to focus on TK and saw how worried his boyfriend was about him.  His green eyes showed concern and compassion as he knelt next to him.  TK affectionately brushed his curls off his forehead with a towel as he gave him a small smile.  Carlos started to realize how cold he was now that his sobs were slowing down at last even if his breathing still hitched time and again.  

“Let’s try to get up and dry off, okay?” TK offered as he held out a hand and stood.  Carlos wasn’t really ready to leave the sanctuary of the shower, but his knees were cramping up and aching by now, not to mention he truly was freezing enough to start to shiver.  The moment his hand touched TK’s the tears came full force again and he found himself wrapped around his boyfriend in an instant.  TK didn’t even bat an eye at the fact that he was soaking wet and naked, but simply wrapped him in his arms tightly and murmured assurances in his ear.  Carlos tucked his face into TK’s neck and sobbed openly like his entire world was ending in this moment.  

It took a few minutes, but eventually his cries faded to soft whimpers and TK had wrapped the towel around him to help keep him warm.  Carlos felt embarrassed to have cried like that in front of TK, but he also felt a sense of relief that the horror and grief of the day had been released.  

“I’m sorry,” Carlos’s voice was absolutely wrecked and he winced at only the sound of it.  

“No need to apologize,” TK told him with a small, sincere smile and a kiss to his forehead.  “I’ll get you some clothes and you can climb into bed.  Then I’ll get you a cool glass of water, okay?”

Carlos nodded and gazed at his feet in embarrassment.  He hadn’t lost it in front of someone in a long, long time.  TK shouldn’t have had to see that.  The man had enough problems to deal with of his own.  He didn’t need a boyfriend falling apart over something that had happened years ago as it was.  

“Arms up, love,’ TK held out his favorite yellow hoodie for Carlos to slip on and he felt his heart melt in gratitude.  The smell indicated home and it made him feel safe, warding off the chill he felt as soon as Nathan’s silhouette shone in the moonlight.  He felt hands come up to gently cup his face.  “Are you alright?  Michelle was worried when she called me.”

“She called?” Carlos sighed and knew his best friend had the best of intentions.  “What did she tell you?”

“She said I needed to hurry home.  She said you needed me because of a bad call you went on at the end of your shift.  I… I’ve never seen you like that.”  TK’s sweet face was tight with worry, but Carlos couldn’t force himself to hold his gaze.  He knew TK had questions and that it might help to tell someone else about what was going on.  He doubted this case was one that would fade with the night.  He would likely be having nightmares from his past and this wasn’t something he could hide when TK practically lived with him.  

“You aren’t the only one that’s been through a nuclear bad break up,” Carlos tried to smile a bit to show TK he wasn’t completely broken.  “I ran into an ex today on my last call.”

He saw the flashes of insecurity on TK’s face and for a minute his tears were interpreted as something entirely different.  TK was never said to be anything but brave as he kept his gaze and fought past the insecurities.  “Yeah?  How did that happen?”

“Well,” Carlos ran a hand over his curls and had to get under the covers to pull them up to his chin.  “He was the murderer we were arresting.”

“Oh fuck,” TK said immediately as his eyes widened and he slowly came around to sit next to him on the bed.  Carlos could have laughed if he didn’t feel torn apart and raw.  He didn’t know how to hold the rest of this conversation.  He didn’t know how to tell the man who thought he hung the stars and the moon that he hadn’t always been so strong and sure.  He had seen something in TK when he had first come to Austin that had reminded him of himself ten years ago.   He knew Alex hadn’t been as bad as Nathan, but he also knew the more he got to know TK that Alex had been far from nice.  “Carlos I’m so sorry.”

“When I met Nathan,” Carlos had his hands clenched in the blankets and his voice was barely loud enough to be heard even in the quiet of their bedroom.  “I never thought he was nice.  He was jaded and drank too much and hated pretty much everyone.  He was selfish all the time and took exactly what he wanted without regard to anyone else.  I was young and he was incredibly attractive so I forgave the first dozen times he grabbed my wrist a little too hard.” 

“Baby…” TK said softly and reached to take his hand.  Carlos squeezed his fingers in return, but he couldn’t look at his boyfriend or else he would never get through this.

“Eventually I was one of the only people he was civil to most of the time,” He squeezed his eyes shut as tears leaked from the corners.  “I thought I was the one that was going to change him.  The one that would soften the bad boy and all of that.  He was my first boyfriend and I was desperate not to go back to being alone again.”

“I’m right here Carlos,” TK assured him softly and Carlos was nearly finished.  The story was relatively short to tell, even if living it had been the longest two years of his life.  

“He waited until about eight months in before he started hitting me,” Carlos felt TK grip his hand tighter and heard his slight intake of breath.  “By that time I was in love with him, or I thought I was.  I was more or less living with him so my family had no idea he hurt me.  Anyways, I convinced myself for another year that somehow I deserved it when he would punish me for not doing the dishes or for not having dinner ready when he got home.  I thought I wasn’t good enough.  I told myself it had everything to do with me and nothing to do with him.”  Carlos wiped the tears off his cheeks and was thankful the hardest part to tell was over.  “I eventually left him with Michelle’s support and help.  She was the only person I told what was going on and she tried to convince me to go to the cops and tell them what had happened.  She wanted me to report the entire thing and press charges.  I was scared of him and told myself he would never hurt anyone else the way he did to me. “

“You were a kid still,” TK said with his voice shaking a bit and Carlos knew this was a lot to unload on another person.  He had no doubt TK could handle his darkness, but it still made him feel insecure.  “You were young and of course you weren’t ready to do all of that.”

“Someone is dead because I chose not to say anything.”  He felt the shaking start again even as he said the words.  “He found someone else to beat up for his amusement and eventually he killed someone.  If I had said something then he -- he would…  It’s all my fault.”

“Shh, no baby it isn’t,” TK was crying with him now and was done with having any space between them at all as he climbed into Carlos’s lap to wrap his legs around his waist as he hugged him tightly.  Carlos tried to stop his sobs as they came back to the surface.  He hadn’t told that story for ten years and it was one of the biggest regrets of his life.  

“I feel so awful,” Carlos told him amidst soft sobs.  “That kid is dead because of me.”

“He’s dead because of the man who pulled the trigger,” TK told him firmly with a kiss to his forehead.  “You were a kid and he hurt you.  I’m just glad you got out of there when you did.  Baby, I promise that you aren’t to blame in this.”

“I need to sleep,” Carlos knew the crying would never end until he had some rest and his brain had some time to process.  

"Can you sleep?" TK asked him softly. "I can make you some tea if you want."  

"Just want you to hold me. " Carlos felt a blush rising on his face at the simple and earnest request.  

"That I can do. " TK smiled at him gently and opened his arms for Carlos to crawl back into and cuddle close until his head was on TK's chest.  "I love you baby, and I'm always going to be right here. I'm never going to hurt you. If that bastard wasn't already going to jail I'd be tempted to hunt him down. I'm sorry anyone ever hurt you that way. "

"Glad I have you now, " Carlos whispered sleepily as he felt TK rub circles on his back gently.  The crying made him exhausted and it wasn't long before he could fall asleep in his lover's arms safe in the knowledge he would never be hurt again and he would always be loved.

[bigbrotherlouis]

the bag of chips scene from 'i ate you up the day we first spoke' for the director's cut meme!

whoohoo i actually loved writing this scene and i’m so glad someone asked about it yeeee

(director’s cut meme)

everything eases back into normal. tk picks nolan up for practice, because nolan’s car is inexplicably always out of gas, (this is true, i read an article about it somewhere) and ties nolan’s ties for him on game days, and follows him into his living room to eat all the good snacks nolan hides on increasingly higher shelves.

“how did you even get those?” he asks when he comes out of the washroom and finds travis eating illegal all-dressed his mom had sent down in his last care package. he’s pretty sure they were hidden, like, on top of the cupboards this time. he literally had to throw them up there. (food, when you move countries, is a really big deal. i always want to keep the mutlicultural aspect of a lot of hockey players in mind, because i was a young multicutural person in the united states, and home foods is usually a good way to do it. all-dressed are pretty distinctly canadian, and my cousin gets her parents to send them to her in california, so i borrowed that from her. also i liked the image of TK climbing on the counters to try and get at a bag of chips.)

tk shrugs and crams a handful of chips into his mouth. “smart thinking.”

“those are mine.”

“i don’t see you eating them,” tk says smugly and nolan thinks about it for precisely point two seconds before he launches himself at the sofa. (no thoughts, head empty)

it’s a familiar ritual, this one. tk cackles, going limp so he can noodle off the cushions onto the floor, the bag still clamped in his hand. he scrabbles backwards until he’s out of reach of nolan’s admittedly long arms.

“sucks to suck, babe,” he gloats, except nolan is not emphatically giving up, those are his chips, and he’s not going to let his idiot of a best friend eat them all. tk grunts when nolan lands on his lower half, hard, and pins down his legs so he can’t escape. he sits on tk’s knees and ignores the yelling. (travis “has never shut up once in his life” konecny strikes again)

“mine,” he says savagely, snatching the bag out of his hands. tk huffs, shoving at his legs.

“it’s rude— not to— share— fuck, patty, what are you doing in the gym?”

“some of us don’t skip leg day.”

“yeah, well, some of us aren’t built like a fuckin’ ox,” tk complains, as if he’s not just as in shape as nolan is. “i can’t even fuckin’ pinch you because you’re wearing jeans.”

“now who’s the smart think—  fuck!” (not you, pat. not tk either but still not you.) he shouts, flinching and rubbing at his side. that pinch is definitely going to bruise. tk uses it as a distraction to roll them, nolan’s shoulders thudding painfully against the floor, and straddles nolan’s stomach with his thighs. there’s another struggle but tk gets hold of nolan’s arms, pins them under his knees so nolan’s fists are at his sides. he’s effectively trapped. (too many nolans but what do you do when writing m/m. also this isn’t specific to this scene, but especially in hockey with all its nicknames, i like to write people’s internal narrative with whatever name they probably think of themselves as. that’s why nolan isn’t pat/patty here, and why tk is usually not travis)

“still me,” tk says, grinning at him with undisguised glee. he works the chips free and sits up, putting his weight just under nolan’s ribs so all the breath gets knocked out of him for a second.

“fucker,” nolan hisses, trying and failing to wriggle his way out. “what the fuck, teeks?”

“that’s what you get for not growing up with brothers, bro. gotta fight to survive. survival skills.”

“bud, you don’t even know. sisters have nails and they’re not fucking afraid to use them,” nolan says, his best murder glare in effect. he probably still has the scars in some places. (i know i do) tk snorts.

“sorry, i don’t see you scratching me here,” he says.  

“let me go and i’ll scratch you up real good,” he threatens and then his brain catches up with his mouth, his face going red as he realises what he’s maybe implied. “uh.”

tk doesn’t take the obvious chirp, just raises an eyebrow. there’s a considering look on his face, one that makes nolan want to squirm more and it settles somewhere down deep in his stomach. (so i wrote this scene because i needed a turn for both of them, relationship-wise. iirc, there’s been a few places where tk’s interest might be noticeable, but nothing super concrete for pat or for the reader. meanwhile, on tk’s side, he needed clear signals that pat’s into him before he tries to tell him again.)

“uh,” he says again because his brain is just fucking offline and his arms are still locked under travis’ legs and travis burns hot because nolan can feel it against his skin, through his t-shirt, and this is all going to get incredibly, incredibly awkward in about three seconds. (unfortunately, i love a good run-on sentence to build tension) he’s pretty sure popping a boner because a teammate is sitting on you is, like, not something you can get away with by laughing.

tk shifts, sitting up the tiniest bit, and reaches out the hand that’s not currently occupied with the fuckin’ chips— probably all crushed to hell now, anyway (foreshadowing!! also strategic last mention here so we know that tk is still holding them, and then they aren’t mentioned until the shoe drops for optimal dramatic effect) — and brushes his fingers against nolan’s cheek. he traces the blush from his cheekbone carefully down his neck, pausing to thumb at his jaw, and then bumps his fingers against his collar, where it disappears down into his shirt. (i really liked building the tension here. also this is fully just projection bc i would love to touch patty’s blush once in my life)

“you’re glowing, pat,” he says, so soft, and it makes nolan go redder. he glowers at a spot by tk’s ear, unwilling to look him in the face and see whatever is written there. (would tk actually tell nolan he’s glowing? probably not, but fictionally it gives the reader a good picture of what nolan looks like to someone else. i didn’t want to overuse red-- which didn’t quite feel like a strong enough word-- or blush, so glowing it was.) tk hooks his index into the collar and there’s a moment when nolan thinks he’s going to pull it down, see if his blush goes all the way down his chest— it does, if he’s embarrassed enough. it’s fucking terrible— and he turns his head away, dragging in a breath through his nose. he’s, like, so incredibly fucked that he can’t even think about it without going dizzy. (you’ll probably see this a lot if you look for it in my writing, but i like to add in a “like” or something similarly bro-ish when things get particularly emotionally fraught, to keep it more realistic. also i think it’s funny. anyway, i like the contrast of tk not being able to take his eyes away from something he wanted and nolan not being able to look at it. characterisation, wahey!) it’s better to just not look.

of course, it’s the exact opposite of what tk wants.

“hey,” he says. “look at me.”

nolan refuses, a muscle ticking in his jaw. (this is hot to me idc) tk lets go of his collar to pull on his hair instead, just a little tug of a piece by his ear, and nolan can’t quite bite back the punched-out sound that he lets out. (also hot.)

“look at me,” tk says again, an edge to his voice, and nolan does. tk won’t stop until he does, he knows that well enough. (another look at their dynamic and how well they know each other) he lifts his chin, just a tiny bit, because he’s not going to do anything without a fight. tk’s hand tightens in his hair and it keeps him in place, nailed— ha— to the floor. (i write for the people whose brains make inappropriate jokes at the wrong moments) he couldn’t move if he wanted to, watches helplessly as tk leans down.

the hope in his chest is so thick, nolan thinks it might actually smother him, stop his heart. he’s breathing fast and shallow, almost on the verge of panting, and jesus fuck, isn’t that embarrassing. he’s so desperate, he could squirm with it and he briefly remembers travis months ago, writhing on his very rug and how much nolan wanted to help. he can smell snow again, sharp in the back of his nose. (this does the double work of calling back to an earlier scene-- ya girl loves a good callback-- and also building the anticipation some more. the snow reference reminds the reader that this is still a werewolf au, even in the midst of this. also, once when i was like fifteen, i read something about how to write kisses/romance and it talked about picking one or two aspects of the kiss to focus on-- breathing, hands, the feeling of someone’s mouth, etc. i still use that advice.)

tk shifts his weight and nolan has enough time to think holy fuck, is this happening? before travis fucking konecny upends the bag of all dressed-flavoured crumbs all over his face. (OKAY a lot going on here! it’s one of my favourite moments, really. first of all, here’s the resolution of all the chips talk! sure, i could’ve just abandoned them, but the subverting of expectations was a lot more fun and the story still wasn’t quite ready for them to kiss yet. second, this is tk chickening out. he had two choices and he chose violence. or, like, the buddies option, which is amusing to me because this is not buddies, boys. finally, the full name was necessary to convey nolan’s disappointment and anger, as was the full description of the chips. nolan is upset, and he’s going to notice these things, and that shows up in his internal narrative.)

“got ‘em,” he crows over nolan’s sputtering, letting himself get bucked off onto the floor. nolan wipes furiously at his face, all his feelings a confusing mix of horny and angry and confused, all with the thick overtone of humiliation.

“you’re a fucking dick,” he says and it’s flat, but tk is gloating too much to care. (he’s not, he’s trying to cover, but nolan’s too embarrassed to realise)

“you should’ve seen your face, pat.”

nolan glares daggers at the carpet, the chips spread out everywhere. it’s going to be a bitch to clean up. tk had better help. (makes sure the punch landed, and to give a final resolution.)

he leans against the sofa and waits for tk to tire himself out, listening to the laughter and trying not to get too angry or, like, cry. his neck feels hot, prickling uneasily. he rubs at it with his hand, startles when tk kicks him gently in the ankle. (in order for tk to not come out of this looking like an asshole, i needed him to make up his obliviousness by being observant in other times. and in order for tk to notice patty being mad, i needed to give patty actions that could be noticed, like not laughing along with the joke)

“sorry if i made you mad,” tk says quietly, all the giggles finally worked out of him. “you looked tense (no shit bud) and i thought it would make you laugh.”

it’s not tk’s fault nolan thought he was gonna, like, kiss him. (”like” again, to break up a too-honest moment) it was a dick move but tk doesn't have a cruel bone in his body, so: “it’s fine,” he mumbles and shrugs his shoulder. “it was funny.”

tk preens for a second. “i know.”

“you owe me a bag now.”

“i’ll buy you a family-sized pack. i’m sure they’ll ship it down here, amazon or ups or somethin’.” (patty’s attempting to be normal and tk is attempting to make amends.)

nolan nods and scratches at his face, tipping his head against the couch cushions. (little motions like him scratching his face aren’t super necessary for like plot or development, but it helps humanize characters and i like to add them in whenever i can, as long as it’s not overkill. they can also be helpful in pointing to emotional state without directly saying it.) it’s quiet for a few seconds, just the sound of them breathing heavier than usual, and it would be so normal. should be normal, by all counts, but nolan still kind of wants to crawl into a hole for while. wants to push tk out of the apartment and eat ice cream and google ‘how to stop a crush,’ like his sisters used to do when they were upset. he’s already googled it, a few days ago, and there was nothing but maybe someone’s offered good advice since then. (people make an impact on you, and family even more so, and i always like reminders of how close nolan seems to be with his sisters. also, it’s funny.)

tk flicks him on the wrist. (this is something that tk does consistently through the story, and even though it’s not super important to this scene, it establishes a behaviour in the larger story. that’s important too!)

“pat,” he says and it sounds it’s not the first time. nolan blinks.

“yeah?”

“i just asked you if you were hungry.”

“oh. uh. no, not really,” he answers truthfully. tk wrinkles his nose.

“do you, like, have anything in your fridge to eat?”

“mm, probably not.”

“typical,” tk mutters under his breath, as if he ever has anything regularly stocked besides protein powder and bacon. (protein rich foods that are easy to eat after a full moon, or after a workout) at least nolan has eggs pretty consistently. (also a protein rich food that’s less easy to eat after a full moon, but are easy to make when you aren’t a werewolf) “wanna go get sushi?”

nolan thinks about it. shoves his sweaty hair behind his ear and considers going out to their favourite place and pretending he’s not still fucking mortified. and, like, a little turned on. it makes him nauseous. (i get such physical reactions to emotional things that i write everyone into having them) 

“no,” he says. he’s not facing tk but he can still see him deflate, his shoulders hunching over. “i don’t— no.”

“okay. that’s… okay.”

“i think i’m getting a migraine,” lies nolan. “think i’m just gonna lay down.”

“do you need me to stay with you? keep you company?”

nolan’s shaking his head before tk even finishes the thought. “no, trav. i’m fine, i promise.” (the trav here works as a signal that something isn’t right! it’s why tk looks at him for so long in the next line.)

tk studies him for a long minute, his eyes searching the side of patty’s face presented to him. nolan keeps his expression as blank as possible and stares hard at his feet.

“text me if you need anything,” he says finally, the words coming out slow and gentle. it’s a lot to handle. “i’ll come back.”

“i know. i will.” he won’t, but that’s not for tk to know. he doesn’t move when tk goes out the door, squeezes his eyes shut when the door doesn’t slam into its frame, (tk’s taking care of him, still!) and decides to leave the pile of crumbs to deal with later. (the climax of this scene happened a while ago so this is another little reminder of what happened, just so it’s solidified in the reader’s head after the longish comedown. i end scenes a LOT like this-- two actions, and then a callback-- because they’re simple and effective, and usually sound great!)  /fin

ahh thank you so much for asking!! this was really fun to, like, process through and remember my logic for! i was actually really nervous writing this scene, because i knew the tension and the break had to be PERFECT for it to land right. but i do like how it turned out so at least there’s that. ily!!

[reyesstrand]

1 and 2 for the Tarlos prompts!!! I need new content to get me through this quarantine haha please

thank you for the prompts!! i hope you enjoy! 💗

all prompts taken from this list. read on AO3 here!! 

TK is surprised over how much has changed in the span of three months. 

For starters, he’s starting to feel completely open and ready to forge a permanent place for himself in Austin; TK hadn’t realized how constrained by the pressures and expectations of New York he’d felt until he experienced life with a crew like the 126. It also helped that he was able to accept and recognize the pain he was running from, and even though he still goes to therapy and meetings, he’s actively choosing things that makes him happy: like welcoming the love from Carlos and all too quickly confronting the part of his brain that told him to hide from the feelings he was very quickly developing in return. And things have been going well, now that his secrets are mostly out there in the eyes of the team and his dad’s health is starting to stabilize, slowly but surely, even though he’ll be facing down treatment for an undetermined amount of months to come. 

But now, he’s starting to have regrets about developing these friendships. All because of Grace Ryder, of all people.

Well, not really. TK loves the woman, often joking that he prefers her company over Judd’s, but when she brings childhood stories into the mix of conversation over drinks at their usual hangout after a long shift, he feels betrayed. It isn’t solely her fault — he totally blames his dad, and it starts when he gives him a look as he stirs the wedge of lemon into his water. Mateo jumps in, talking about touring firehouses with his school as a kid, propelling his lifelong desire to be a firefighter, and TK smiles at the way he always talks so passionately about what they do. But when his dad gives him a wink, a feeling of dread starts swirling in his stomach, and TK opens his mouth to stop Owen from doing what he's about to do. But it’s too late. 

“Did I ever tell you guys about how TK told me he wanted to be a firefighter?” Owen asks, and Marjan immediately throws a devilish grin his way and nudges TK’s side, before she and the others start egging his father on. 

TK runs a hand down his face. “They don’t need to—” 

“Hey, guys,” a familiar voice says from behind him, and TK exhales in relief because Carlos has come at the perfect time. A few of the others offer him greetings, and he turns and smiles softly at his boyfriend, heart beating a little faster as Carlos meets his gaze. The other day, Paul told him that they just exude being in the honeymoon phase, but TK doesn’t care, gladly shuffling over to make room for Carlos. His boyfriend immediately touches him, arm thrown over his shoulders, thumb dragging along the bare skin of his bicep just under the cuff of his sleeve, and TK almost forgets where the conversation was heading. 

Almost. 

“What’s going on?” Carlos asks, and TK locks eyes with his father as he starts smiling. 

“I was just about to tell everyone about a little six-year-old TK,” Owen starts, and TK buries his face in his hands as the story starts. And his dad doesn’t shy away from any of the details: a tiny TK following his dad around the apartment, or the firehouse when he got to go after school, copying everything and anything his dad did. And it got to a point where TK refused to speak unless it was as if he was responding to a call from “dispatch” — always calling out random phrases he’d picked up out of context when Owen was working. 

“Aw, baby,” Carlos murmurs, mostly into his ear as the others voice their well-meaning, teasing jests. 

Ignoring his boyfriend, TK groans, “Dad—”

“It’s my job to embarrass you, kid,” Owen interrupts. “It’s out of love.” 

He accepts that this is where the night is going when the others start lovingly sharing their own stories of TK from the months they’ve shared together; it isn’t until Carlos joins in that TK starts making a show of leaving the table, much to the dismay of the team as they start calling him to return. Before he can even get out of his chair, still smiling because this shit doesn’t really mess with him too much, despite the embarrassment caused by his own father, of all people, Carlos all but exclaims as he huffs out a laugh, “Hey, I love you, please don’t go.” 

Those first three words hit TK and he doesn’t hear anything else. He holds Carlos’ gaze and his boyfriend doesn’t falter, he just gives him a sincere look and TK’s heart starts racing. He wants to say it back but he doesn’t want to have this conversation in front of literally everyone he knows. 

“I’m staying, I’m staying,” TK jokes, trying to keep it light even though Carlos is still holding him close to him. “Alright, my turn to tell you guys about my lovely father attending his first pride parade.” 

The look Owen gives him, immediately remembering the day and where the story is going, makes everything totally worth it. 

* * *

“Hey, is everything okay?” Carlos asks, once they’ve gotten back to his place and are pointedly not talking about Carlos’ I-love-you slip earlier. 

“Yeah. I mean, it’s not everyday that your dad embarrasses you in front of everyone you know in the entire state,” TK still doesn’t know how to feel about the situation. The stories from the team were harmless and actually exposed his admittedly less then brilliant moments, but his dad’s seems to be affecting him more because he doesn't know how his boyfriend will take to learning about his childhood. Even if he got to tell the whole team about the time he was brought onto a float and serenaded by a drag queen in front of thousands of people, and a sixteen-year-old TK, who filmed the entire thing. 

Carlos frowns at him a little, bringing him back into the moment. “If it changes anything, I thought it was cute.” 

TK lifts an eyebrow at him, crossing his arms tighter across his chest. In a deadpan voice, he retorts: “Really?” 

“Yeah,” Carlos sounds earnest, like always, and TK immediately knows he isn’t lying. He cups his face in his hands and rubs his thumbs gently along his cheekbones, quickly pressing a kiss to his lips. “I mean, we all have embarrassing stories, Ty. It was kind of nice to learn more about you. I want to keep learning more about you, if you’ll let me.” 

His hands settle on TK’s shoulders, before dragging them down over his arms, gently uncrossing them so he can hold his hands.

“I was admittedly a fucking adorable kid,” TK mutters, drawing a grin out of Carlos. “I hope you know that in retaliation I’m pulling all the stories out of your mom when I meet her.” 

“You want to meet my mom?” Carlos asks, still smiling at him. TK bites at the inside of his cheek and slowly nods, the corner of his mouth quirking up. “Well, I’m sure she’ll be more than happy to pull out all of the scrapbooks. I hated it, but she loved to document my awkward high school phase.” 

“Somehow you and awkward just doesn’t make sense,” TK teases, but he softens his gaze as he squeezes Carlos’ fingers back. “I can’t wait to learn more about you, too.” 

Carlos pulls him close and kisses him deeply. TK grins into it because kissing Carlos never fails to make him feel like he’s floating. Gently knocking their foreheads together, Carlos pulls back to breathe, quietly asking: “Stay here tonight?” 

TK nods, chasing his boyfriend’s mouth. Their lips still mostly pressed together, TK tries for nonchalance as he says, “You know, you told me you loved me earlier.” 

“I do,” Carlos cradles the back of his head, and TK’s breath catches. “You don’t have to say it ba—”

“I love you, too,” TK says quickly, grinning as Carlos’ eyes light up at the declaration. He doesn’t question it as the words tumble out because it’s true, and it’s worth it as Carlos hugs him tight before practically devouring him in another kiss, nothing but happiness lighting TK up from the inside out.