#i just feel trapped and like. hopeless?????
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i think this is a little unfair as a critique because i generally do not see much value in being like "well i wish this story had just been a completely different thing instead of the story it was" like there are better ways to talk about how a narrative could be improved on its own merits rather than just saying "well do something different". BUT this is my blog where i get to say what i want and so: read the rest at your own risk wherein i talk about what i might have preferred to see with viktor's storyline
i think that if they were going to dispense with the variations of viktor's prior lore - which is totally fine to do tbh! - but they wanted to still stick to him feeling more alienated and indifferent to human needs/suffering but also superior to them and kind of outside of time without fully leaning into the timeloop cyborgism of it all, it would have been wise to make him somewhat more nihilistic on the order of doctor manhattan?
a: if he were outside of time in the way that doctor manhattan is, it would avoid the issue of a time loop (which generally tends to damage to a story in my opinion) and would still permit for some kind of epiphany about love a la what happens with doctor manhattan and laurie juspeczyk. it also would maintain viktor's ability to see into other people's pasts and memories or to walk among them in those past places. this might have even allowed us to get a fuller and more sensitive picture of sky as a person independent of viktor once he was unstuck from time or in quantum time or etc!
b: jon osterman is a physicist and, like viktor, goes through a transformation that basically makes him feel completely distant from humans and as if their fates are fixed in a hopeless cycle, he's obsessive about his research, and he generally behaves as if humanity is somewhat beneath him because of how he experiences time and space
obviously there are some differences. doctor manhattan never aims to build a perfect world of flawless nonsuffering. he decides to abandon humanity altogether, and the person with the questionable morals driven by a raging ego is adrian veidt, but honestly you could just blend the archetypes of the two and get a clearer sense of direction for viktor's story.
like obviously this is just my vibe. i think i like this better because doctor manhattan and adrian veidt, both of whom are deeply selfish and in veidt's case egomaniacal about how to 'fix' the world, are still realized in ways where both characters feels more complicated than how viktor's story played out in arcane. like even leaving off the league lore about him, i think the show either didn't have enough time to fully actualize the struggle in him between wanting to help and being sure he knew better than everyone else about how to help, or it was always just going to be too cartoon-villain simplistic with his army of evil robots. i think the latter is unlikely given that they worked pretty hard to paint silco, jinx, and more or less everyone else in the undercity in many shades of grey but who knows!
like most of what frustrated me by the end about viktor's story wasn't that he was doing cruel things, it was just that those cruel things felt goofy and flat compared to even the cruel things ambessa was doing for most of the season. i cite mandus from a machine for pigs a lot as a different possible comparison to viktor. mandus is another industrialist/inventor who ends up splitting his consciousness and decides the world is full of nothing but cruelty and that he knows better than everyone else and starts mutilating people and feeding them to each other to build a new world order. but even mandus, who traps people into forced-cannibalism, feels that he has more depth to him than viktor did for me by the end of the show. it may be how mandus's story is constructed and that his logic feels sadder than viktor's, or it may just be that again the writers had less time to deal with more storylines but! idk!
all in all i maintain that the machine herald arc was pretty disappointing and honestly kind of goofy/immature along with being like cringily ableist and relying on politically unsound tropes that mostly amount to 'hey watch out for communist zombies', so i'll be out here thinking about what might have made it land better for me
#impossible ask but no one talk to me about j*yvik it's like an unsalveagable endpoint to just trash a black woman#so 2 guys can have a gay moment#s2 spoilers#arcane#viktor
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Saturday Sherlock Fic Recs
Gathered from my bookmarks :)
It's Not The Violin by copperbadge - M Somewhere between Alejandro and the fistfight, John Watson became someone Sherlock Holmes would kill for.
Sound of Silence by SailorChibi - G Sherlock returns from the dead but nothing is like it was. He doesn't speak and John doesn't understand, not until an encounter with the Yard explains the depths of Sherlock's trauma.
Lost for Words by awanderingbard - M Sherlock is assaulted by an unknown assailant while John is away at a medical conference, leaving him with a severe brain injury. While his intellect and personality are intact, he's lost the use of his right-side limbs and his ability to speak freely. John suddenly finds himself as the main source of support, and possibly a caregiver, to a flatmate who is struggling to do the things he loves most. And Sherlock Holmes has never been the best of patients.
Following On by in_in_in_in_in_in - G ‘Well,’ says Sherlock, throwing the empty bottle down into the foot well. ‘I did think I was going to die.’
‘You thought you were going to die?’ Donovan chokes out. ‘I knew you were a freak, but are you really so self-centred? I thought he was supposed to be your friend, and instead of worrying about him you’re worrying about yourself? Did you push him in front of you or something?’
When something happens to John, Sherlock doesn't understand why everyone's so surprised that he was worried for his own life.
Flinch by Salr323 - G "We hated him."
Oubliette by CherryBlossomTide - T After a traumatic incident, Sherlock becomes trapped in the darkest part of his Mind Palace. The only thing that can still reach him is the sound of John's voice.
A Cure for the Final Problem by Saasan - T (Warning for Character Death) As far as Sherlock knows, he's back in rehab, but something is amiss. Why won't John come visit him?
The Holiday by Scriblit - M (Warning for offscreen noncon) A month following an horrific, sadistic attack during a case, Sherlock is still physically incapacitated and emotionally damaged. A holiday is suggested, but even stuck out in the middle of nowhere, he and John happen upon a case that could make Sherlock begin to feel like his old self again - or could kill him.
Paying Back by Dayja - M Some men do not appreciate Sherlock's handling of their cases. They decide to pay him back.
Harmless Things by J_Baillier - M This is definitely not how John had imagined their Saturday night.
It takes John Watson to save your life. by Sparkypip - T A series of One shots where John saves Sherlock's life in so many ways. Will be updated sporadically as and when I get any time to write. As always I like my characters hurt, so plenty of angst, H/C, whump and bromance.
Seek Out The Unworthy by squire - T Set after the events of His Last Vow - but this time, the plane carrying Sherlock off to Eastern Europe never turned around, and John's life is very different as a result.
Hopeless Wanderer by Cyane (orphan_account) - Not Rated Mycroft wakes up in a cold, dark, cliche. Normally this would be fine, except this time, his captors were smart/stupid enough to drag Sherlock into this.
And they're going to be there for a while, until his agents and Scotland Yard figures out where they are.
This would be a hell of a lot easier if Mycroft wasn't blindfolded, tied up, and forced to listen to Sherlock's screams.
Redemption by sgam76 - G The reappearance of James Moriarty means an initial reprieve for Sherlock Holmes. But the consequences of that reappearance put not just the Holmes boys, but most of the world, at risk. An emerging threat in Eastern Europe brings visions of the plagues of the Middle Ages--but that's the least dangerous part.
English as a Foreign Language by standbygo - G Sherlock is not quite right after Mycroft pulls him out of Serbia.
When Your Belly's in the Trench by Morgan_Stuart - T The next time that door opens, John Watson will kill the person on the other side.
The Least of All Possible Mistakes by rageprufrock - M If ever a people deserved tasering, it’s Holmeses.
Define Vulnerability by TheGracefulBlueCat - T Shortly after Sherlock's return John realises something is very wrong with his friend. He, Greg and Mycroft try to help Sherlock as he falls deeper and deeper into the abyss called PTSD. But Sherlock is not ready to allow anyone in, but then the events of the current case cause him to hit bottom hard.
Into the Gloaming by Vulpesmellifera - M She lays the sage bundle down in one of his seashells, avoiding the label. How he loved cataloging natural items. That sharp mind of his so naturally tended to the sciences, and she’d taken great joy in encouraging him all his life. All the first thirteen years of it. The last year has been entirely different.
His hand lies just outside the white comforter. When she touches it, the chill of his skin sends a shiver down her spine. His lips move, his voice as soft as dead, dry leaves.
“What’s that, love?” she says.
“In the trees,” he says, his eyes still closed. “Is it John there in the trees? I think he’s waiting for me.”
Viola turns her gaze out the window and to the closest tree, a resplendent cherry in the throes of autumn. In the branches there, for just a second, she thinks she sees it: a black bird, feathers gleaming in the sun.
Learning the Heart by Calais_Reno - T An android tries to understand love and grief.
The Ancillus's Tale by Chryse - E (Warnings for noncon and MPREG) Once Sherlock’s body had been his alone. He was free to treat it with great care or none at all; to live on cigarettes and coffee and cocaine and then sleep it all off for days on end. He was free to stay in and sleep alone or to go to clubs and choose someone to touch him, mark him with nails and teeth or to kiss him with sweetness and care, according to his whim. Every part of it had been his decision. No more. Now he was property of the Crown, tagged and marked like one of the King’s deer, to be bred like one of his horses.
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the pianist, valeira lakrisenko, 2017
#I FUCKIG LOVE THIS PAINTING#sorry not to vent on tumblr but i feel like i have no other solid outlet💀#maybe im just being dramatic (im probably just being dramatic)#but i so think i give the world much more love than its willing to return and it makes me feel so like . lonely????#and idk why i feel like im in such like . emotional solitude#bc i have close friends and i have so many people in my life#i just feel trapped and like. hopeless?????#not hopeless like. that — im totally safe#i just want to be loved as much as i love people yk#and im sure i Am and its foolish of me to so constantly say im not#i yearn for love#but like. idk#maybe its cuz im a physical touch and words of affirmation kinda guy and i dont know many ppl who partake in that#BAHDHWIRHWIJRIWHRKWNTKAJFA#i honestly dont know why im typing this sorry#idk im an ‘all or nothing’ emotions kinda guy#just appreciate the art!!!!!!!
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It’s heartbreaking as a disabled artist to be reliant on always needing to make work and always needing to sell it. Always needing to sell everything you make to get by because there’s not other options for you. Not being able to plan bigger projects, not being able to hold onto anything. Not being able to take the time to work on things without feeling the timer ticking down because you need to finish something new to sell, so you don’t get the sleep you need.. And then when you do invest in future things you think are cool.. You will never be able to keep them. You can’t afford your own work, and owning art’s not a necessity and everyone around you is struggling, understandably.. most of them can’t either
#negative#one of those nights i legit just. think about giving up and going back on disability#its so hard. because both disability and continuing to try have steep negatives.#i just dont know how im supposed to ever survive when i get a bit older#def going to be one of those days i have a headache all day after i wake up#i deeply apologize for being negative.. i know there's other people in my shoes who have all the same feelings#and some dont have the option of disability assistance#it just feels so hopeless and idk how anyone does it#disability#i dont like talking abt being disabled nowadays. but sometimes the specific trapped feelings are overwhelming#anyway thank you to everyone who supports my work how they can#im still very lucky#i just wish it wasnt always a struggle. for everyone else too
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#kpop#kpop polls#polls#enhypen#enha#stray kids#skz#(g)i-dle#girdle#tomorrow x together#txt#dreamcatcher#BTS#ateez#atz#Agust D#suga#this is a very panicked hopelessness reaching out yearning but feeling trapped all the same playlist#I feel like when I pull out my more emotional playlists you can really start seeing my ult groups#its because I listen to music that makes me Sad. txt and skz have my back fr here#its probably gonna be hellevator for me for this one guys#just for the theme. but I like most of these songs
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narratives of american exceptionalism creep into every part of life
and there is just something extraordinary about seeing a bunch of people be so blissfully unaware of what it means, on a very fundamental level, to live in the heart of empire. it actually does not matter which way you vote, your government will commit and fund war crimes in other countries regardless. your voting blue makes not the least bit of difference to someone in another country who dies in the wreckage of american imperial projects. and your government works in the interests of american citizens. in the interest of the universal purchasing power of the dollar. in the way that the flow of global capital maneuvers to bring groceries to your supermarket shelves. and it doesn't matter what you feel about this, and it doesn't even matter how oppressed you are in the heart of empire, because you live in its centerfold and everyone always knows about your problems. i know exactly how complicated american life is, i know your movies and your cities and your music and even your laws, sometimes better than i can know my own, not because i wanted to see it but because i have to. because the narrative of America plays out everywhere, all the time. because there is a domination of civil and cultural life that america imposes on all the rest of the world, but somehow americans always think we know as little about them as they know about us. but i do know you. i have to know you. i am left with no choice. this is uncomfortable for me. i want you to feel uncomfortable about it too. a little discomfort is good for both of us.
#notes#if i see one more thing about like#'im going to vote but i honestly feel trapped and like this makes no difference' being responded to with 'how dare you feel hopeless about#your inescapable complicity in global violence'#... i already have a headache. you ARE trapped. it does you no good to deny this fact. you are as trapped in your empire as the rest of the#world is. the difference is that you want to believe otherwise#well. we all need some faith. but once in a while also think about the world. sit with the hopelessness. this (american) cult of relentless#'we can change things! we just have to try hard enough and work hard enough and believe hard enough!' ... sometimes you cant change things#sometimes you never will. you have to sit with that and then try to do things better anyway#like we are all complicit in violence. i am no better than you. but the difference is that i dont want to lie to myself about it#and act as though my casting a vote makes any damned difference to the suffering of people who ARE suffering and will continue to suffer#regardless of me and my actions#i think we need to learn to look at the world as it is and work with the grief and hopelessness and impossibility of it#rather than believing too passionately in our special ability to change things
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#i cant fucking take it anymore#every week its the same thing#i apply to like 18 jobs and wait. i write 18 different cover letters and wait#and its been like this for two fucking years#and i cant fucking stand it i hate this#i have no purpose no prospects no joy#i feel fucking useless!!!!!#and i never have energy and i feel like im trapped and i want nothing more than to escape#but im not sure i could survive anything other than this wasting away#i told myself id move out in 2023. then this year#i even said if i havent moved out by my 25th birthday id kill myself#bc ive basically failed. game over. thats it.#and the closer that gets the less it looks like i’ll have moved out#i just feel so hopeless#shut up chili
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been learning to play ironsworn (gritty fantasy ttrpg which you can play with a gm but is mostly suited for solo or small group co-op gmless play) after having the rulebook pdf for several years (stars finally aligned to remove invisible thing blocking me from reading it idk) because i'm on another solo ttrpg kick & i don't know what took me so long to get around to this game because it genuinely is exactly what i was looking for. years ago when i was playing through solo 5e modules i should have just been playing ironsworn (believe it or not, 5e isn't very suited to solo play and is extremely clunky when you try lol).
also though i have dabbled in some other solo ttrpgs, a considerable amount of them are journaling games which is fun but imo considerably more work (usually by the time i'm a quarter of the way through the journal entry, i know how to entire scene played out and i want to move on to the next gameplay thing, so i get frustrated and bored quickly. it feels like when you solve a level in a video game but don't have the coordination to pull off the necessary move so you have to spend 20 extra minutes doing something you already figured out), so i really appreciate like not needing to write something for the game to progress (ive been taking notes for my own record since im playing solo and thus am not really out loud roleplaying the way you do in a group, but i definitely could do that instead and not take notes and the game would still function perfectly)
& ive been playing by myself but also in the past ive played a lot of ttrpgs in very small groups which has been other games but is mostly dnd and like. we also should have been playing ironsworn so that having a gm was not necessary. have definitely played games where we had to adapt the rules soooo much to do something that is just base game included in ironsworn. plus it's rules-light enough to do pretty complex moves that pose difficulties in bulkier games (ever introduced someone to dnd and they tell you they want to do a sick backflip and catch something and then attack and you have to tell them that will require several different consecutive rolls and some creative liberties with how the rules are 'supposed' to let you move? you can just Do That in ironsworn. use the strike move and describe it. done!)
the one thing is that although it's rules-light enough to theoretically play any setting or genre (some with more difficulty than others), ive found so far that like... the grittiness and sense of threat is very built into the mechanics so that would be sort of difficult to work around or change (but i think it's great from a game design perspective). what i mean is like, okay: you start with 5 max hp. there isn't really a way to raise this max hp, you just slowly gain abilities (assets) that make you less likely to have to lose the hp in the first place, or that make it easier to recover. when you encounter foes, you rank them on a scale of 1 -5, and enemies on the lowest side of this scale do one harm to you, while enemies on the highest side do five harm to you. so even though encountering an epic enemy won't always be deadly due to the assets you have, they are ALWAYS capable of taking you down to 0 hp with one good hit. so the feeling of threat is much more present compared to games where your character starts to be able to just tank and push through a failure or huge threat.
admittedly also i'm playing solo, im still learning how to balance combat, and also i built a character who has NO combat talents and iron (the close quarters fighting stat) is one of my lowest stats so i personally am under much more threat than if you built a character who knew how to fight or who could do deadly harm. but also the other thing about combat is it's extremely difficult to maintain control of the fight; you have to score a strong hit to do it on basically all moves, and there's a really limited pool of moves available when you don't have the initiative, and obviously none of them really favour you. i don't know that this makes combat genuinely more difficult, but it does make you feel like the fight is always about to spiral out of your control. every second you let it drag without decisive action feels like it brings you closer to dying. like i said, this is a feature of the game design and not a problem in any way. just thinking about it because when i was initially learning i was going to try to supplant it into a homebrew fantasy world of my own but the tone just wouldn't be right. and that it is somewhat difficult to replicate the kind of worlds that i typically play or run for dnd, which tend to lean somewhat sillier and definitely much higher fantasy
but i like to try new things and tbh especially in dnd i find that i very rarely feel that sense of threat and when i do feel it, it has nothing at all to do with the actual mechanics and reality of the combat and everything to do with how well the dm sells it to me and makes it sound and feel scary and dangerous. which is a testament to what a good gm can do for you but i do appreciate the threat feeling more built-in and also being actually real.
#good idea generator#kas plays ironsworn#am giving it a tag because i will continue to talk about this. its my blog#idk i just find in dnd like. players often FEEL threatened WAY before they actually are threatened#which makes it really hard to balance combat because players treat evenly matched fights like hopeless death traps#so instead they do underleveled combat that feels boring for some hard to pin down reason#but like. the reason is even though you're nervous about the dm's description and the things the monsters can do#there is no real threat. especially in bigger parties where the players DOMINATE action economy. they are always in control#so of course it gets boring. it drags out so everyone can take their turn but it never forces you to make difficult choices#or to totally exhaust all your abilities. after awhile the combats start to feel same-y#because even if the monster is different. you never have to do anything different to defeat it#ofc this is a subjective assessment and also if youre reading this and we play dnd together this is not a gripe abt our table i love u#i think it's really easy to get trapped doing this esp in tables which like rp more than combat#because its also like. once you're used to a certain balance of combat if your dm suddenly threw you a big one#you assume that this is a uniquely large threat in the narrative as well (rather than a rebalancing attempt)#and treat it accordingly. which is to say with way too much caution because it isnt actually that big of a threat#so then as a dm when you have to maintain the feeling of threat and the mechanical threat#(especially when sometimes the mechanical line between 'cakewalk' and 'tpk' is razor thin#and is more about the initiative order and luck than anything else)#you start to prioritize the feeling of threat. which is imo the right call always#but its just after awhile when you feel the threat but nothing ever happens to anybody. the dissonance starts to affect the table#also balancing dnd combat as a dm is really hard and often requires a LOT of on the fly adaptation#because sometimes the CR is useless and you don't know how it's gonna do until the dice are on the table already#anyway. my point is that im enjoying how ironsworn handles this problem
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me having gone to bed at 6 am every day for the past week and generally spiraling mentally while rotting in bed waking up this morning: a 4 mile hike in the heat is a really good idea right now, and while we're at it let's start like 3 art projects
#maybe my mom was onto something all these years telling me i'm bipolar#no i don't think i am but i do technically have a bpd diagnosis so like. mood swings up the fucking wazoo are not new#but i am not one to be like 'exercise will fix me'#i've also just come to terms recently with the fact that i didn't kill myself already so might as well start thinking of the long term#so not being in constant pain when im older is something im actually thinking of now#so like. gotta move more which i was doing during this semester! walking like 3 miles a day which didn't help brain but#it's gotta be good for you anyway even if i don't get the endorphins everyone says you get when working out#that's neverrrr been me bc also chronic illness w exercise intolerance#so it's like. wah i have a desire to move my body more and know it's beneficial#but chronic illness + mental illness + trying not to think about exercise in terms of weight loss bc i'm trying not to make that the goal#although certainly wouldn't be mad if that was the result but if i prioritize it over just overall health it's gonna make me obsessive#i'm saying a lot of words. i have no one to really talk to so i once again come to tumblr as a public diary#ANYWAY. trying to find balance with wanting to exercise for overall well-being but dealing with other factors like chronic illness#which has actually been under the most control it's been in years i barely even consider myself (physicslly) disabled these days#and also balancing the fact that while my disordered eating has never recovered and i still have extremely bad relationship with myself#im in a relatively better place with that. i'm not starving myself and im not going through binge/purge cycles#but my relationship with food and eating is still very much unhealthy#and i don't think that will ever really change bc it's so ingrained in the everything about me#i don't really know what i'm talking ahout anymore or what prompted this#i can't simply just say 'i'm gonna go for a hike today' and be normal about. always gotta psycho analyze myself#im in a very weird stage in my life where i feel like i have control over nothing and i barely even exist in my own body#im just like a cacophony of voices trapped inside a meat suit but im not in the drivers seat im stuffed in the trunk and tied up#and the guy driving is an old blind mind who should have lost his license his ass is NOT road safe!#so it's like i have all these ideas and desires and feelings and ahh!! but hey i'm locked up here let me out please#and also the state of the world. so bleak and hopeless and paralyzing that i've just kind of shut my feelings off so i'm rapidly switching#between numbness and overwhelming agony#what the fuck am i talking about
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so sad for absolutely no reason
#👆 girl who stayed up till 3 am talking to her bestfriend about how depressed and trapped we both are for about 4 hrs#it's like that gracie lyric#you have to laugh before you start to cry😭😭#like ab toh funny bhi nahi lag raha jokes bhi nahi banaye ja rahe#oh but i love her so much i absolutely LOVE people with whom i can just be sad#im tired of people who constantly try to make the sadness go away or try to cheer me up#like sometimes you just gotta sit with your feelings na#at one point she was ranting and i said mere paas kuch kehne ke liye bhi nahi hai kyunki it literally feels like im listening#to my own thoughts on my own lying in bed at 2 am like hum itna same kaise sochte hai😭#and she laughed and was like but ye sahi hai na aise sochna like it feels wrong but it's the truth and im like i don't even#know but oh it's so good to not pretend to be okay#we're so similarly hopeless and tired cause like one point mein inevitably we talked about#the future living together our apartment and then i was like mujhe bhi ye chahiye but mujhe itni umeed uth chuki hai life se#ki koi excitement bhi nahi aa rahi like i already know ye sab kuch nahi hone wala and she's like haina same like i want to say#ki we'll do this and that but im like lol not gonna happen ab i can't look forward to things in the future im like if im living it then ok#then i can accept ki oh ok this is really happening im happy now wow but usse pehle nope#and we were talking about ki like yaar future toh ab dikhta hi nahi hai kya hoga it all feels so blurry and like a dark tunnel#atleast bachpan se we knew what was next school college but now it's like now what?#i know all these thoughts and feelings are pretty common and probably everyone's facing this but bhai.#it's fucking hard i didn't know life was gonna be like a constant battle where it kicks you down#again and again and again and you're bloody and no energy can't get up but you still have to because if you don't you'll sink#soooo deep in that state ki bahar nikal hi nahi paoge#OKAY 8 hrs sleep mandatory for me what the fuck why am i writing a ventpost at freaking 11 am girl go have lunch or something 😭
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everything is in turmoil!!
#i dont know if i can do this..#i ideally need to be out of here by sunday. if i stay any longer ill need to pay roughly $60 a day.#ive already accumulated debt with the power company. i cant have moms phone shut off yet so theres more debt to accumulate#need a storage unit. need to sort through a whole apartment of shit. need to move 6 cats. fill out forms. find other forms.#try to get an appointment with social security. try to get disability and/or emergency financial help.#gotta move into a modular home infested with dog feces and smells like piss and cigarettes#gotta hear right wing bs and slurs for god knows how long#gotta deal with my dad and by proxy step mother breathing down my neck about getting a further education and career#i just want everything to stop.. the only reliable people i have near me think my mental disorders are crutches i can will away#and the only people who believe they ARE a problem are unreliable and insufferable#i cant do this i feel like im having a panic attack 24/7 i feel trapped and lost and miserable and hopeless#i cant rely on other people for everything forever but i dont know what im doing. i dont know anything.#why did this have to happen? why do i need to prove worthy of shelter and food of my own? i cant think like this#all i can do is type and feel a thousand times more useless than i ever did before#i want my mom back. it wasnt supposed to happen like this.
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my therapist telling me that i’m smart, i have immense potential, and that she genuinely believes that i can add something to this world is just… man. stuff you need to hear for real 😭
#she’s so understanding and kind.#my situation is extremely unique so i sometimes wonder if i’m even making progress as it’s been slow-going but.#she said that i’m really coming around and i am most certainly not a lost cause.#it’s really been hard. i’m sickly and disabled and i don’t have a lot of money coming in as of writing & it oftentimes feels hopeless#i’m in a bad domestic situation and it feels like i’ll be trapped forever but#i want to have the faith that it won’t be like this forever & there’s still a chance for me. i can find a place for myself eventually#even if i’m just living out of spite it’s better than giving up entirely#sometimes it doesn’t feel worth it but at the very least i’m too stubborn to let the people who’ve put me down get the better of me#riley rambles
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I'm seriously hanging on by a thread right now I might just go drop dead 😭
#work has just been really overwhelming today I'm going to crack#I hate people#I almost broke down in front of the usher manager today because our radio died while we were falling behind becaus3#one of the theatres got out slightly late and set us back for like 45 minutes because everything was gettinf out one on top of the other#on complete opposite ends of the theater#amd it's not a small building guys#and I was already angry because there was a huge spill in a theater earlier I had to get a mop for and it was a pain in the ass#then we started falling behind and when we fall behind I get really stressed so I jad to ask the usher manager for help to catch up when we#were switching radios and even with his help we didn't catch back up until JUST NOW because we're on a 30 minute set break#and I've jusy been stressing and running around the theater and I want to go home and cry and drop dead#I'm so hot and tired and drained amd my legs have been sore for DAYS and this is NOT helping and I hate it here and I qant a real job#like I'm fucking 24 years old this shouldn't be the best I can do but trying to find anything else to get out of here has been IMPOSSIBLE#and I just feel so hopeless and helpless and trapped and miserable#I'm so angry and sad and tired and in pain and miserable all the time now#and it's awful and I hate it I don't wanna be that wah anymlre#I can't even type oh my god#I'm dying#abby's having a crisis
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I really fucking hate that my personal experience being polyam is that my internalized hatred of it came primarily from other polyam people giving me irreparable trauma. I have so much shit going on I’m honestly too worn down to unpack this bullshit. Cat lady time.
#slippy.txt#ana🫁.txt#‘my mom is polyam its the most normal thing in the world’ *gets cheated on* *friends get cheated on and abused* *loudest online ppl suck*#irritating. debating letting the aro alters pilot forever.#the toxic trap of monogamy feels ‘safer’ but man fuck that noise#dont go to college in the rural midwest the people you meet will ruin your perceptions of humanity#unstoppable force (ariel’s hopeless romanticism) vs immovable object (stubborn trauma holders)#we dont rly post original content on here like ever so im gonna just start kinda rambling when i feel like it
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Me when i dream of lil Mika but it's another nightmare
#and this one was so stressful bc like#i dreamt he was indeed my s/o but he was so controlling#like i was so stressed out felt like a trapped deer trying to gather a support circle so i can get away from him and he just kept ruining it#all for me. fucker learnt my native lang just so he could monitor my conversation with my family🤕#at one point he made me agree to marry him and dream me did just bc she was absolutely terrified of him????#girl just beat his ass ?????????#but like jokes aside i'm still in that ''just woke up from a nightmare'' mood so i still feel the adrenaline so i still get#why he was so scary like. i didn't know he knew my lang until he threatened me and told me i'm not allowed to speak to#my family anymore (bc i tried to get my dad to help me) and he was very. pushy with se.xual stuff#which like here's a fun fact but i'm a hypochondriac and i find it very hard to bond with people so i just kinda#accepted that i'm waiting for marriage (which is easier to explain than ''i need to REALLY trust you'' and agreeing to marriage is on that#level anyway) so when i TRIED to get him to stop by telling him i don't want to before i have a ring it did fuck-all to stop a guy#who was just like ''well we ARE getting married so what's the problem''😔😔😔😔#i woke up before he did anything tho which i'm thankful for bc every time i dream of being sa'd it feels like it reopens old woundd#and it takes me a while to actually calm down from it#i will say tho. it's a vibe to dream of thingd you consider hot in concept but terrifying irl (controlling/abusive men <3)#bc like you know in-dream it FEELS like it's real life i really didn't care that it was Mika and he's not real it was reality for me#and so it was terrifying i was crying every time i'd get a hope of getting away from him he'd ruin it for me very swiftly etc etc#like i'm still stressed out. but. the concept? like now that i know i'm safe and none of that was real? i just think o-kayyyyyyyyy#lmfjsjsnmemdksks i'm hopeless. but not really! confirmation i'm actually normal just like certain things from the safety of fantasy
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When you feel like you're just a job to people and they don't actually like you or like being around you cause you're brain damaged and constant work
#my bad thoughts are winning today#i was doing so well too#trying to focus on all the good#but I'm stuck#thinking about everything#i know it's not true with my friends#but my family lose their light when i walk in#shit sucks#i missed out on so much#I'm never going feel like a real person#trapped in my head#i want to feel like i matter#but the small stuff just never cuts it#I'm never going to be enough#i feel so hopeless#unlovable#lonely#dark thoughts#disappointment#what's the point#i don't know if it's worth staying#everyone's better off without me#I'm so sad#only 3 people get excited to see me#and i wish i could say it used to be different but it never was#i did have confidence though a few years ago#thats completely gone now#when the one person you wanted approval and care from throws you away it kinda takes who you used to be with it#but things are different now#right?
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