#im tired of people who constantly try to make the sadness go away or try to cheer me up

[girlivealwaysbean]

so sad for absolutely no reason

[madaracore]

[sapphic-agent]

I read your analysis and anti bakugou posts and I want to say thank you!

Going to be kinda long so I’m sorry!

There is another fandom where there is character exactly like bakugou; angry, violent, egotistical and target his hate and aggression to one person only.

the character name is Jiāng cheng from the MDZS novel. But the narrative in the story doesn’t treat all the shit that jerk did as right, it the opposite. He seen as vile that nobody want to associate with (getting banned from all the match making places in the story even)

He never takes the spotlight of the two main nor he is redeemed characters instead seen as pathetic and arrogant jerk he is. The MC, Wei wuxian who was his adoptive brother (not really more like a servant that got treated like a dog) cut ties with him in the end.

He a well written and rounded character but the character personality is shit and I don’t really like him. And the narrative isn’t treating him any differently than being a piece of shit

Why I’m telling you this? Because I feel like if MHA have been written by someone who isn’t Hori bakugou would not have gotten away with the shit he did in the story.

beside the point of the way the narrative treat Jiang cheng, it’s the fandom. When I got into the MDZS fandom I was so disappointed to see bakugou stans 2.0 there but instead of bakugou it’s Jiang cheng.

Both bakugou and Jiang cheng get the same treatment in the fandom as “UWU needs to protect the angry violent person” and “it’s the MC fault our cute UWU baby didn’t do anything wrong” and lots of stuff that I bet you seen in the bnha fandom

It’s sad that even if the story shows that what Jiang cheng wasn’t right (unlike bakugou case where the story doesn’t make him have any consequences) people would outright be mean to other people just because they follow the canon prototype of the character in their fics (I seen it and it’s horrible)

And, in fics it’s seems that every time that Jiang cheng appears in the scene he makes everyone OOC (if the fic is sticking to canon personality). Makes them act like they won’t ever act; it’s the same thing with bakugou (in canon and fanon respectively sadly)

I love to call it the “black hole effect” when a certain character just make the scenes about them no matter the context, like a black hole.

Im sorry this is all over the place, im not really good with words and i used to be pretty active in both fandoms but now its really hard because bakugou and Jiang cheng stans are overall tiring to deal with and they seems to grow up in numbers everyday and yeah… 👍

Have a nice day and week!

Hi! I've never read it but it sounds interesting.

I always try to tell Bakugou stans, it's not the fact that Bakugou's an awful person. I don't care about that. Fictional characters aren't real and can be liked for whatever even if they're vile pieces of shit. It's okay to like a vile piece of shit.

What's not okay is creating that vile piece of shit and then brushing over and never calling out their horrible actions. What's not okay is everyone around them condoning their behavior. What's not okay is pandering to them over their victims. What's not okay is never making them face consequences for their actions. What's not okay is constantly putting them on a pedestal for doing the bare minimum.

Look at Vegeta (RIP Toriyama). Vegeta is always getting humbled and called out. He is never going to surpass Goku because never getting what he wants is part of his retribution. Considering his actions, he should be worse than Bakugou. But he's a way better character because of how the narrative and the other characters treat him.

(You can even compare specific instances. When Bakugou rushed ahead and attacked Kurogiri and got Thirteen seriously hurt, no one said a thing to him and he still won all his fights. He faced zero repercussions. When Vegeta let Cell absorb 18, he immediately got his ass kicked and had to get saved by Trunks and Krillin. Vegeta's actions always affect him terribly, Bakugou's actions always affect everyone else terribly while he gets off scott-free)

DBZ came out decades ago and it still created a better character arc than a 2010s-2020s manga. Horikoshi could have easily given Bakugou a proper redemption arc. He chose not to

[stateswscarlet]

i want to manifest my desired face whenever i dont see a movement i go crazy and the cycle starts again, i just wanna get my df but im tired of this cycle i always go back and nothing happens, i feel like all that thing is waste of time but at the same time ik its true cuz i've manifested a lot of things. but whenever it comes to my df i cant stop wanting it and after fulfilling myself i feel like it's done, but after 10 mins it happens again. i start to get mad at 3d again and its just so .. i cried becaus i want my df and 3d makes me crazy. i feel like nothing happens im so desperate i dont wanna read 823823 loa posts anymore i just want to be pretty as like others. i hate that feeling of 'trying so hard' hope u answer

<3

this genuinely makes my heart hurt :(

this is what i told another anon:

“unrelated, idk what youre desiring to change about your face but make sure you’re approaching it from love and not hating/disliking your current self. it makes me so sad whenever people tell me theyre manifesting a whole new face thinking itll make them happy, prettier, attention from people, etc and it wont at all. changes starts within and you are more than worthy of being just the way you are and treating yourself with love and compassion.”

please understand that “getting” a physical change will never ever ever ever take away your insecurities or make you happier, fulfilled, nor will it make you feel pretty from the inside. literally look at all the supermodels and stars who are drop dead gorgeous who we pine after who are incredibly insecure and are constantly hyperaware of their insecurities and flaws.

PLEASE i beg you the best thing you can do for yourself is practice self love RIGHT NOW the way you are. stop waiting for some ideal face before you chose to love yourself, as that day will never come. you will find more and more reasons to feel insecure and upset at the 3D and be running in an endless cycle “manifesting” things to change but you’ll never be satisfied.

you need to remove your dependence from the 3D/outer world by understanding it can never give you anything. go within and instead of focusing so much on your face changing focus instead on the feelings of being secure, safe, etc regardless. stop chasing shallow things like pretty privilege and attention and anything else you THINK your df will give you (spoiler: it wont give you any of that).

coming from someone who isn’t conventionally attractive and used to hate herself and her looks, it is SO important to love yourself and accept yourself the way you are first before expecting others to do that. i learned to love myself exactly the way i am. my inner shift changed my attitude and how i viewed myself which led to others reflecting that. i started getting attention, pretty privilege, etc (which now i know are just shallow things) without a single physical change.

i really hope you understand where im coming from anon. its not that you cant have your df, but if youre unable to love yourself right now you wont be able to love yourself with your df bc youll find a million other reasons not to. once you remove this from the pedestal you have it on (thinking itll make you pretty, etc) it will be much easier to focus on the feelings of security and anything else you desire.

[tendercoretroglodyke]

weeks ago my roommate confronted me about "this tension" between us that I had truly no idea about until they kinda snapped at me earlier that night, and they told me that an offhand comment I'd made the week before (as well as a few other things I'd said/done from months or years prior) had pissed them off so much and the whole time I had no idea bc i have rsd and have had to learn to compensate by just assuming any kind of standoffishness is bc they're busy or tired or not feeling well. and presumably our talk that night "cleared the air" but now I'm constantly worried they're pissed at me and I don't know it.

like I am genuinely so uncomfortable in my own home now... we made plans to have a follow up talk (at my request) later this week and I want the main gist of the convo to be that I want them to feel loved and appreciated and I want better communication between us but I'm debating whether to bring up the fact I'm so uncomfortable coming home these days that im considering moving out and getting my own apt when our lease is up (several months from now). but i don't want to make myself the center of attention and i don't wanna ambush them with that, esp with their financial issues rn. so i probably won't bring up that possibility rn. but god some nights... like i am genuinely looking up hotel rates just so I can get away for a weekend and not have to be hypervigilant of how much space I'm giving them or what I'm saying around them or whether they're secretly pissed at me or they just have a lot going on.

I've been trying to hide in my room as much as possible without looking like I'm sulking but it's slowly driving me crazy. there was a week leading up to christmas where I was living at the apartment alone which normally to me would mean I was all sad and lonely but um that week turned out to be the best week I'd had all month. and this was the week leading up to my first christmas without my mom. but it felt so good to not be constantly unsure about where i stand with the people in my house (like, both my roommate and their partner, who basically lives here too).

I hate that even for a week I was "the enemy" to the two of them and I didn't know it. I had texted them during that week I didn't know my roommate was pissed at me (i was traveling for Thanksgiving) and saying I missed them and wanted to do a group call that night, and their partner texted in the gc saying roomie was too tired that night and suggested the next night, and i texted again the next night and they were like sorry too tired again. and they p much barely responded to anything I texted that week. and it was bad enough when I thought they were just too busy for me but to know now they were so pissed at me at me they couldn't even speak to me is so upsetting!!

(I guess I've talked about it long enough I should mention what the offhand comment was that pissed them off cos if I dont you'll all think I said something horrendous lmao. basically my roommate slightly exploded something in the microwave and said they'd clean it up that night, the next morning I realized it hadn't been cleaned yet so I texted them a reminder to clean it once I'd left for work. apparently they took it as passive aggressive comment and thought I "thought of them as my maid" esp considering the microwave needed cleaning even before that (i hadn't particularly noticed) and they were ready to text me something really pissed off before their partner stopped them and said they should cool off first. I, on the other hand, fully just meant it as a friendly reminder, coming from the perspective of someone with adhd who frequently forgets to do things I told people I would do, and who appreciates a reminder to do them. If I had KNOWN how the comment was recieved I could have cleared the air rather than let it fester into what I now feel like is a huge cloud of resentment towards me I don't even know how to combat. I also can't even tell what's my rsd anxiety about how they feel about me rn vs what's legitimate anger)

[snekdood]

idk i think that realization was the straw that finally broke the camels back for me (which, tbh, for my own sake, it should have broken way sooner, but I digress) i've always been disturbed by the unquestioning support my abuser gets on here, even when those people just dont know better- I cant sit here and keep pretending with you to see this great misunderstood person you apparently see, all I see is the person who abused me and got away with it. I cant keep trying to deny reality just to appease people who would probably always make up reasons to hate me anyways. I dont see what you see- thats what I saw in the beginning when I didn't know better, but I know who they are and im tired of trying to go along with you that they're just this sad poor abused person and thats why they do problematic things and its fine actually. like. no. they know they need to do better. they know they need to be honest. they know they need to be a better person. idgaf what they went through as a kid that doesnt excuse shit. they still have to try to be better to other people. whatever.

I thought I could try to tolerate it and just create my own space and in a way I have but this website has been so stained by what is essentially the abuse people online have put me through and the abuse they enabled by going along with my abuser. I feel so betrayed by so many people and it hurts and im tired of ignoring that pain for the sake of trying to see something you see that I already know is just an illusion. I cant pretend with you anymore. they're not a poor innocent uwu baby at all they know better and should fucking act like it.

i'll probably post videos i watch every now and then but that's probably most of the engagement i'm going to give on here for now and maybe forever. I cant be around people who deny an important part of reality that effects me. im tired of sacrificing acknowledging my own pain to try to understand how you see them. my pain is worth acknowledging and healing from and idgaf if that means I have to see them through the shit lens now- they fucking deserve it quite frankly and im tired of letting people try to hold me back from it. i'm too disturbed by the reality of this situation and having to face the fact so many people believe someone ik is abusive and then try to say im the one whos actually abusive and try to shut down any feelings or anything I have to think about the situation to secure and maintain my abusers steady flow of validation while im constantly shit on.

[chronically-enthusiastic]

Sooo.... Below the read break is kinda my autism journey? Well masking journey probably. I did this both for myself, and for any other people out there who are looking for stories of other people and their experiences. And also a bit for the picrewcule bc ive posted some stuff about struggling with friendships recently and yeah..... :)

I was always the weird one in primary school... I was bullied in my first school, maybe a combination of autism and faith? But it led me to have to move schools... In my second primary school, people didnt bully me as overtly, but they would run away from me if I went near them and they called me unpleasant things. I was asked why I was weird quite a few times and my answer was that i had learnt how to interact in a normal way at my previous school, and now i am here and I dont know again... Which looking back was very self aware if me, but also very autistic of me....

I did find friends at that school, but they were so toxic and oftentimes mean that it would probably have been better for me to not have made friends at all....

Every time i went back after a half term, i would cry and plead with myself to just try to be normal. Theyll like me if im normal, they wont run away from me in the playground saying ive got the cheese touch. But each time I failed to make myself normal.

UNTIL!! i started high school. The mask fell into place in year 7. And it worked! No one was mean to me, infact I even found a few nice friends! But every time the mask dropped slightly accidentally i would feel so so bad inside, like i had done the worst thing ever and i had messed up forever.

Then year 8 came along. And masking all the time took its toll. I was crying every day needing to go to the library. I forgot what it was like to feel happy. I was so so tired and so so sad. I forgot who I was. Family friends were asking my parents if I was okay because i seemed so different and sad. And I would say im fine, because my life was fine. I had family who loved me, a school that I enjoyed, and friends who cared for me. I had no reason to be depressed.

Aannd then lock down happend. And that possibly maybe saved my life. I wasnt at that point yet, but I think I was on that trajectory. I found myself again in lockdown! Thats the short of it! Yay!

Then school started up again and i masked again, and i started going downhill again. Fast forward to yr11 when I was missing so many lessons because of anxiety/overstimulatiin.... And people noticed this time and I got therapy! Halfway through therapy me and my therapist seperately came to the conclusion that I was probably autistic. And everything made sense.

I started to lower the mask and almost immediately lots of my anxiety ceased. I started to learn who I was again, and I felt so much happier. And now? Im in a new school without anyone I know and ive dropped the mask almost entirely.

First weeks are always hard for me. I was expecting to need to miss almost every lesson this week and to be crying constantly. Ive gone to every lesson and this week has been about as bad as a normal week at my old school. I have support now.

Masking really took its toll and I am so glad Im in a position that I dont need to anymore. I dont want to end up back where i was in year 8, or yr 11. But it does mean its harder to find friends.... But as you have said, its better to have friends who know the real me and who like the real me than friends who like a mask.

[terriblelizbians]

checks calendar oh look what time of the month it is time for this regularly scheduled breakdown the exact same post i make every single fucking month. Anyway hi i don’t know how to talk to people i don’t know howwww. i don’t. im So tired of not knowing how to do this stupid simple fucking thing. i know im only fixating on it now because im on my period but the problem doesn’t go away the rest of the month it’s just that i’m less sad about it at other times. i hate every post that’s like “you have to get better at small talk” as if i don’t know that. i know the point of conversation. i know rationally the purpose and how it works and how it’s supposed to go. i have been trying to practice my social skills to improve them for twenty four years. i know all of it in my brain but i can’t make it happen no matter how hard i try. and the same thing for turning initial connections into actual relationships. i cannot maintain contact with people. even people who i already know and feel comfortable with, i’m constantly drifting out of touch with because i can’t make conversations happen. It Fucking Suck!!!!!!!!!

[crashingwavesinmyworld]

I’m not gonna act like I’m perfect and that I’ve never made mistakes or sometimes said hurtful things when upset (who hasn’t though) but I’m tired of being treated like the villain in a situation where I’m the victim and I’m tired of any way i try to defend myself or when I’m just trying to get answers is seen as me having a “BPD meltdown” or “lashing out.”

I have every right to be hurt and angry and sad but I think I’m handling it pretty well regardless??? And I wouldn’t need to constantly defend myself or speak about how hurt I am or any of that if this dickhead had just properly communicated with me in the first place or at the very least didn’t try to paint me as some dangerous crazy person for something that wasn’t my fault and like even if it hadn’t been about me fainting and was about me being depressed/suicidal, once again I was the only one hurting there no one else was getting hurt it doesn’t make me dangerous you ableist fucks and if it was such an issue why did he assure me everything was fine? He blatantly lied to me and so did his girlfriend and I don’t know at this point what was true and what isn’t true and it’s honestly disgusting that she thinks I’m the problem and has been using my BPD as a way to demonize me.

This was all because of her coward boyfriends inability to communicate like a mature adult. But I didn’t even fucking do anything I’ve been trying to move on. All that happened is last night after I finally had felt okay and strong enough to hang out in the food court which I haven’t been able to do cuz I feel like I’m being watched. But then after I came out of the bathroom his girlfriend was sitting outside, she didn’t see me right away and I wanted to say hi but I didn’t cuz of what she’d said a few weeks ago about him not wanting her talking to me and as dumb as it is I wanted to respect that, I went and sat away from her and went back to my music or whatever I was doing.

But then when she did see me she walked away without saying anything. That hurt a lot but what hurts worse is he eventually came out and saw me and walked past me too without saying something, and his girlfriend intentionally parked the car right by where I was sitting so I had to see him get in the car, I tried leaving after this I was gonna go to the grocery store but when I was walking there suddenly he was driving and he was stopped in front of me and he looked at me again and so I turned and went the other way but he ended up parking in a random parking spot by where I was walking and got out of the car for no reason seemingly just to make sure I saw him then when I kept walking he got back in like I feel like he was trying to torture me on purpose. Like who tf does this?

Maybe I’m being paranoid and I know they would deny doing this but it just all felt very intentional. I can’t believe I ever called these people my friends. No matter how many problems I have I wouldn’t have ever done something like this to them. Sometimes I wonder if this is karma for my past mistakes cuz I have said and done a lot of things I regret. I’ve always tried to make things right and apologize and correct my behavior but maybe to the universe that isn’t good enough.

But even then even though it’s not an excuse most things I’ve said or done that have been wrong usually happened when I was hurt first by whoever it was or I saw them treating someone else poorly and that doesn’t make it okay obviously and it’s not an excuse but im just saying I’m not a vindictive person or vicious person purposely out to get people or harm people.

Most of the examples I can think of were several years ago anyway before I even knew these people. And usually if anything I may say something bitchy or mean after being provoked or backed into a corner (usually to my mom more than anyone) but like these people are acting like I was a threat to their safety… I am not this dangerous crazy person they’re making me out to be.

I cared so deeply for them I would have done anything for them and it makes me sick that I could care so much for people that could just so easily hurt me then move on like it’s nothing. I think the differences between me and them is that if I say or do something wrong whether I realizes it at the time or realizes it later I always feel deep regret and always always apologize and try to make it right. Whereas they are blaming me and making it seem like my justified hurt is irrational. Well her and not him because he still hasn’t said a damn word to me. Coward. God just the thought of him makes me sick. I can’t believe I used to think he was the sweetest guy I’d ever met. And that I used to think he was the one guy to treat me with respect despite seeing me at my worst (about 6 years ago) and even recently before all of this he wasn’t treating me any differently everything was fucking fine that’s why I don’t fucking understand!!! And like the fact that he knows too how scared I was of getting hurt and losing people….asshole. He knows I felt so much pain which I was why I went to the hospital which he was so supportive and sweet about but now I’m in worse pain than I was then and he’s nowhere to be found. But that’s the thing I never needed or wanted emotional support from him. I just enjoyed talking to him about books and music. It’s all just so fucked and in sick of it all

[littleonekitten]

So.. today was the most hyped up day of the week for me and it got ruined. I planned on having a big sleepover slumber party with my friends, I haven’t seen them in a while ( one went on vacation and the other has been busy with school) so I was looking forward to it. We decided that for dinner we were gonna do a charcuterie board and possibly get some alcoholic drinks. I’ve only drank one time ( I’ll tell that story at another time because it’s a whole thing) but it was my first time having an actual alcohol. I also live in a small town, and we decided to go to a Walmart. I really like that Walmart because that’s where my ex and i went a lot, it was a great time.. and in my head as we were parking I had a gut feeling he would be there. I didn’t sweat it though and went in with my friends. As soon as I walked over to the produce I saw one of his friends, I met her before and she was really nice, so I was like “huh interesting she’s here but it’s nice to see her” right? That’s all. I start walking, getting food and groceries and I walk past an isle and there he is. Standing with her. I rushed past that isle and he didn’t see me, but I got the biggest pit in my stomach, it was like a shooting numbing pain from the inside out, I wanted to puke, pass out, run away, and scream all at once. I was trying to continue my shopping but I was alert and stressed and the whole time. Which can ruin a shopping experience if your only thought is to literally run away, or at least like not run into them. It ruined my day. This day I was looking forward to all month got ruined in literal seconds. I hate that I feel this radiation of anxiety and negativity. Yes, your going to run into people and yes that’s a normal part of life.. but so soon?? At the same time?? I haven’t seen him since the break up, and honestly I forgot what he looks like now and I plan to keep it that way. I went home and it took a long time to calm down. I pulled some tarot cards and they were telling me this encounter was on purpose, it was needed to give myself knowledge and wisdom. I’m on the right path and I’m being very successful with my choices. The saddest part is, if he saw me I don’t think he’d recognize me. I look completely different, I cut a lot of my hair,got bangs, gained weight, and have been a sad depressed sack of shit that has been the most insecure of my whole life. So it’s a good thing he didn’t see me, but part of me wished he saw me. I wish he got the same pit in his stomach as he gave to me. I wish he was going through the same pain I’m going through constantly, but I’m not allowed to say I’m not okay or feel my feelings because I have responsibilities and shit to do. I was able to make up for it and I had a good night with my friends but I keep thinking about it and it just feels like another stab into my heart. I got so upset that he was with a friend and I had to remind myself, why are you upset? You are here doing the same things, with your friends, it’s probably not that deep. I guess it makes me sad because he got closer to her and hung out with her when him and I went to shit. He would hang out with her alone a lot and not tell me who he was with, and make excuses. I’m tired of caring about him. I’m tired of re-thinking all of the drama in our relationship and loosing my sanity and hair out of it. I want to let go and I feel like I have, but clearly it’s ineffective or it takes a lot longer then I thought. Im just tired of this clouding my vision of myself and my health. I feel like I’m at an all time low at the moment and I don’t give a shit about myself. What I’m doing, wearing, eating drinking, hygiene all of that. I don’t know how to get out while also being able to feel the feelings. Because it’s either one or the other like I’ve talked in other posts.

[burning-bubble-tea]

Sometimes I like to think about how horrible the world is. With the right lens the world is such an awful place. Constantly inventing new and novel ways to kill each other. Constantly putting the social construction of currency over lives. Actively ignoring worsening climate disasters to see profits rise. Genocide, slavery.

The world is truly an awful horrible place. And while I know pointing that out is a downer. And I know I can focus on the little things. I know I have to think globally act locally. I know I can’t look at the news all the time. I know it’s not healthy to think negatively all the time. I know I know I know. The world has little beauties! Friendship! Love! Family! Community! Solidarity! I know I know I know. And yes those things help. And yes I turn off my phone and yes I go to sleep and yes I care for myself and the community and yes and yes and yes.

The world is a beautiful place with the lens and it’s a horrible place with another. That’s nothing new. No new ideas are contained here. I know those “just keep holding on!” Videos and memes and posts are well meaning at in the right mindset very touching and valuable. But I’m sick of the doomers I’m sick of the mindful bullshit I’m tired of the dark jokes going haha we’re fucked! I’m tired and sad and content and happy and all the things.

I’m terrified of the rights of my peers being stripped away. Of my rights being stripped away. Or political scapegoats, blaming the immigrants im afraid of increasing support for politics that does not prioritize people. I don’t want to be told to focus on what I can fix. I don’t want to be told to focus on what’s in front of me. I know that. I still get up to clean my room. But on a local scale I’m still worried around my neighbours. I’m worried their politics may put me at risk. But then I’m disheartened because communities can only form if they include everyone even those who may be opposed to you but also a tolerant society does not tolerate intolerance but also people will never grow and change unless we give them the chance to but also people are stuck in their ways believing phantasms and no matter how correct you may be, their perspective on the world will twist your words into conspiracy and falsehoods no matter what you say.

And I don’t want to be seen as a doomer or a downer. Because for me despite it all I’ll still take the world. I still love it. But I’m tired of expressing my resentment against the world as a joke to go haha sometimes. Sometimes it’s nice to laugh at the darkness, to make a heinous joke. But c’mon we have to be a little bit funnier than “we’re doomed lol”. At least the healthcare ceo thing is a bit funny. It’s funny but about an extremely depressing topic, it’s truly something better than just going we’re so cooked haha.

I just want to be able to talk about these things but also I know how difficult these topics are and I don’t know how to communicate how I’d like it to be received. I don’t need someone reiterating similar political talking points back at me sometimes. But sometimes that is what I want. I don’t always want someone to make we’re cooked jokes with me but sometimes that is what I want though honestly I don’t think I ever really appreciate doomer jokes unless they’re exceptionally funny. I don’t want someone to tell me to focus on the good. I’m tired of toxic positivity. I want hope not toxic positivity thinly covering nihilistic burnout.

I know things aren’t actually okay right now and hasn’t been okay for a lot of people. I’m okay right now despite what the ramblings imply. But I don’t want feel good memes sent to me sometimes but sometimes I do it’s a toss up. I’ll try my best not to react negatively when someone does those things because I know they mean well but I’m allowed to feel how I feel.

I will feel annoyed and cynical while knowing someone is trying to be positive, I will be hopeful and optimistic when someone is just ranting.

Sometimes I just want to have my emotions validated without someone using therapy speak to do that. To revel in being punk and screaming and ranting and raving. To let me be selfish and feel smart as I list all the terrible things I know and then go back to a neutral state where I know I’m no better than anyone else. But when constantly disempowered, selfishly I want to feel like those stupid fake, then everyone clapped stories. I want to exist in that lie where I use facts and logic and empathy oooooo I’m such an empath to DESTROY the villainous narcissists and capitalism and colonialism when someone says one bigoted thing. Let me go SJW and not have people be left feeling annoyed/ashamed/awkward. But I know that does nothing. There’s no and then everyone clapped. I can’t scream at a racist in public when someone makes a micro aggression then I’m the aggressive triggered snowflake. I can’t scream and cry and throw up whenever I think about the state of the world.

I can’t throw a tantrum in public, I can’t lie down and rot to get a point across. I can’t say anything so alarmingly depressing and sad to have people change their ways.

I don’t want to manipulate anyone but I want to control what some people think sometimes. I don’t want to manipulate anyone but sometimes I feel like I am when choosing specific words and topics to bring up and say at the right times for them to be registered in the right way.

I don’t want to just be seen as someone with a lot of opinions on a soapbox. Because honestly I’m not even that smart. I haven’t even dove down as deep as I know it goes. But already with my slightly below surface level knowledge I’m seen as some crazy radical who’s annoying everyone with the depressing knowledge and information. Like old habits die hard, I’ve been a weirdo downer that’s happy for awhile. I’ve been telling people that some dolphins are evil since I was a kid. I loved horrible histories and Adam ruins everything. I liked ruining things for them because I found joy in knowing the terrible things. I found joy in sharing the terrible things. But now the terrible things aren’t just little fun factoids child me can share, they’re things with political weight. Propaganda and phantasms shaping thoughts and mind. And I know there are no heroes. Heroes are for stories and fiction. Happy fantasies to embody concepts much larger than the individual. But also there are heroic people. Healthcare workers, advocates, kind people.

There’s the cynical self awareness and then there’s the hopefulness thinking of a future we want to create despite the present we have. We all contain both we have dreams of the future and also we lie down and do nothing. I want to scream in public. I want to smash things on the store shelves then take them. I want to take those probably scammers or religious nuts at the train station by the lanyard and scream and shout and push them and cry and roll around them. I want to put on makeup and smear it around and give five dollars to a person in need and call in behaviour that’s not pc culture while saying slurs and praying for the deaths of tyrants while also having the death penalty disappear. I want to have my phone never run out of battery and I also want to throw it on the ground and smash it and take other people’s phones and smash them too. I want to give a lecture to people that consists of me screaming and ranting and ripping the walls apart and smashing the projector I want to break into a rage room and steal all of their things and stack them on top of each other and push it over and not pay to break things.

I want to change someone’s mind and have them weep about the pain they’ve cause that they’ve ignored. I want them to resent the person they were to cry and wreak with sobbing and work towards and beg for forgiveness.

I also know that these are just ridiculous fantasies I have while lying in bed. Sitting on the bus. Walking alone. There’s ludicrous and not realistic. They come from a place of recklessness, misinformation, delusion and sadness.

And also hypocrisy. Cause despite all of this. All of these feelings of anger and guilt and sadness and hope, I still will bedrot, type out one of these and feel like I did praxis when I’ve probably haven’t done much. I can probably make an argument that this is healing and self care that I’m letting myself feel my feelings and express myself via text and fiction but also it is just petty hypocrisy that can be taken down with a shit or get off the pot. But maybe sometimes I wanna throw the pot out the window. And then go, I’m doing what I can, I’m too depressed I’m the victim I’m sooooo sad, you’re right, I’m just feeling my feelings, I don’t see you doing xyz hah gotcha!

There’s no new ideas here. No new feelings. No new perspectives has been shared. But whatever.

[midnighteloquence]

i just wanna talk

uh minor (MINORS!!!!!!!!) vent because im thinking

(mention of sui, sh, purg1ng, etc)

i actually dont know what to feel anymore. i dont really feel much these days except for pure, unbridled sadness. i can feel excited over my interests, but that excitement doesnt really last long till im just nothing again.

ive been getting more frequent stomach aches. not a stomach bug i mean the anxiety stomach aches. theyre here right now actually. ive just been super anxious and on edge recently, and i dont know how to stop the ever growing pit in my stomach. it grows every time i enter a room, when i have to present something infront of my classmates, when someone talks to me, when i text people, when im alone, when im with people. its everywhere and i dont like it.

earlier this term i avoided people because i was just so tired and empty. i hoped that it would somehow make me feel better, if i avoid the person who did me wrong. it really didnt. i didnt give them a satisfactory answer whenever they playfully insulted me because i could not bare to have them insult me one more fucking time. you know what happened? they started saying “ok.” to me saying literally fucking anything. i said “ok” to you dryly because you pissed me off, but if im talking about my interests casually thats nothing to be pissed off about.

i apologised to them for distancing myself (even though i was trying to fix my mental health) and told them i would talk to them more even though i dont like them anymore. the next day they sent a paragraph talking about how i wasnt really “proving myself” and that “they waited for me to talk to them instead of them starting the rare conversations we have” which actually killed me a bit. thats over exaggerating but im trying my fucking hardest to try and be your friend but my best isnt worthy enough. and also when have you ever put any effort into what im saying? like actually if i talk about my interests you say shit like “thats crazy” in a disinterested tone. i may be autistic but i can still pick up that you do not fucking care for a word i say. i actually pay attention, and you tell me im not proving myself to you? im sorry i started ranting haha

i think my crush started hating me. and this is a super common thing with all of my crushes for some reason. i just cant get them to not think im annoying. i just get so attached to them and the thought of being with them that they just stop liking me. and then i pick up on this and ask them constantly if they like me. he barely texts me anymore, his texts are super dry, its so obvious he doesnt want to talk to me. i started leaving him on read, just hoping he’ll start liking me again. thats probably super immature and slightly mentally unstable of me but idk im sorry

i stopped thinking about my future because i dont think i see one. i spent all week tired, crying in the school bathrooms, crying in my own bathroom, or crying in my room. i post constantly about killing myself or cvtting myself or purging because at this point i do not care what happens to me. my friend might be moving, my other friend im so fucking tired of, my other other friend is probably tired of me, the rest of the friendgroup probably wouldnt care less about me, i havent been the daughter i couldve been to my parents, im distant towards my brother, my crush lives far away anyways and probably doesnt like me anymore. it just seems like nothings really worth it. how likely is it that i get into a good university and get a good job? i dont even know what i want to do with my life past 18. the clubs i joined are just exhausting to go to now, im making no progress in my language learning, i get average scores in my tests, the only two hobbies i have i barely do anymore. its just so nothing

i have no dreams or aspirations, i have no hope for the future of not only me, this whole world. it will take me a hot 48 hours to think of a thing i wanna pursue. no one wants to be in a relationship with me. im pretty but not pretty enough for people to like me, and even if someone’s attracted to me, theres still my personality. its nothing special, plus just a bunch of red flags like jealousy, attachment, being distant, being sensitive, the list can go on. im just nothing really, i feel nothing, my personality is nothing, my looks are nothing, im nothing.

idk what else to say so bye :0) (clown)

[everything-i-couldnt-tell-u]

arveil and i are supposed to be each other's halves, we should've basically been one same person. i should be able to say that i am him but i'm sure he wouldn't agree. im sure he and everyone else would agree that i'm not him, i'll never be him. i know they'd say im too different from arveil, and arveil would always prefer to exist separately from me.

i wish i could be treated and considered just like him but it's impossible. arveil can make other people happy while all i do is get mad. there's so many things about him that are lovable while i don't even love myself. he can do so many things and im just someone who's mentally disabled.

i've tired myself enough, forcing you to love me when i shouldn't be. i should have never pressured you into listening and doing things for me. maybe it's not that your responses are dry, maybe the stuff i say are just all empty in the first place. i've got nothing to yap about anyway except for the past i constantly cry about? im sick of myself too. maybe i was unaware that i've just been acting like the victim and i've been guilt tripping you so much? the way i'd snap at you when you'd love arveil for what he can do, the way i'd say you probably only love him for those and not for who he is? i realized today too that i'm just really jealous cause unlike him i can't do anything. cause if you liked him for the things he can do while i have no capabilities, doesn't that mean that you can't like me the same way? yeah maybe the truth is that i'm just really insecure, too paranoid, too much.

maybe i am really just some usavable animal that mom said i am? the things i've been doing to you is the same way i act with mom. i doubt everything she says and does, i blow up at everything, i treat her with so much resentment. mom would say she loves me then i'd push her away cause i feel like it's only arveil she's concerned about. i'm too complicated and i always say she isn't doing enough for me even after everything. she'd try doing things to make it up to me, but it doesn't seem to make things better. isn't it the same with you? haven't i just been wasting your time cause until now i still can't get myself to trust you? i don't know what to do cause i feel like you guys are trying to make it up to me just to get arveil back. i feel like everyone wants me to heal just so that my negative ass will be gone and they can have fun with arveil again.

mom and my siblings are scared of me when i front. they've been avoiding saying and doing anything to trigger me, which should be a good thing, but it makes me sad. cause if i'll never be triggered, then will i get no more chance to front? will it only be arveil fronting now and taking all the love?

finding out you feel scared of me felt weird to me, it even felt comforting? cause there's no where else to go now that i've actually become what my bpd said i am. now that i look like the wild uncontrollable animal that's impossible to love, there's nothing more for my bpd to scare me with. i feel like you'd avoid me a lot now that arveil went dormant, but the thought of it feels better. reaching the lowest point of this and forcing myself to accpet you'll never love me is easier than trying to hope you'll love me only for my bpd to keep scaring me. this is not what i want but i have no choice.

bpd makes it feel like it's better to stay alone since the love i'll feel isn't worth the amount of anxiety i'd have to deal with. it's my fault in the first place for ever thinking someone could love me. i'll go back to where i belong. i'll try my best to stop bothering you and asking for love like a shameless bitch. i'll go back and accept that i'll probably live my entire life being jealous of him but i can't do anything about it. i shouldn't be ruining his life, i should've kept myself hidden. i won't try to front unless anyone needs me to so that it won’t be ruined for my alters. im tired of being so dramatic when i should've just stayed locked up inside

[dontpunchdogs]

thoughts for today ! under a read more bcos it got long. yelling into the void.

ive always been hard to deal with - too sensitive to sounds, lights, temperature, texture, easily hurt by words, easily overwhelmed by other people, easily feeling left out among friends, too annoying, too loud but too quiet, needing too much reassurance, needing to feel wanted, needing needing needing. ive known this a long time. ive heard it from my parents countless times, had friends say they only hung around me out of pity, had partners say i was the most supportive partner theyd ever had; yet i need too much, my feelings are too confusing or too hard to consider, "i knew youd be upset but i didnt want to tell you and make you more upset" again and again and again.

no matter how small i tried to be, how light of a burden i made myself, its really never enough. i dont get what i need, my patience is worn thinner and thinner, and "suddenly" i snap. "suddenly" i disappear. as though there werent signs. as though i hadnt been begging for someone to care. as though i havent put others feelings and comfort above my own for years, been intentional, been thoughtful, been honest (in fairness, honest about everything besides the extent to which id been hurt) and made it clear how i love and how i want my efforts to be reciprocated.

i'm tired of it. i always thought i shouldnt live if nobody cared about me enough to pick me first. thats all ive ever wanted, really. someone to walk in a room full of people they care for and choose me out of everyone. someone who id choose over anything, even my own comfort when reasonable, and to know they'd do the same. just one person, and then i can handle everyone else letting me down, just one person, please, just one, one person, please, for once, just once.

i always find myself so fucking disappointed. maybe my standards are too high - the fact no one can meet me there makes me sad, but the idea of lowering my standards made me sadder. i can take disappointment, a lot of it, and i don't expect perfection. sometimes you cant give even 50% of your energy. sometimes you need to pick someone else. sometimes you need to pick a friend over a partner, or yourself over anyone else. but i cant handle the degree to which people constantly ignore my needs, or disregard them to indulge their wants.

im trying to rewire my brain now! im going to live, whether someone picks me or not. im going to care for others as much as i can, as hard as i can, but im going to limit those who disturb my peace. im going to put myself first, often as i can, or at least as often as id put others. i know what i need, and id do it for someone else - why not do it for me? why continue trying for people who cant be assed? why continue trying when im just difficult and draining?

today i had an overstimulating day at work. i still went to the grocery store, as id planned, because i needed to. when i drove home, i felt like id have a meltdown. instead i made myself laugh by seeing just how many bags i could carry at once. something stupid and simple, but i felt like i was good company. i put everything away. i made my lunch for tomorrow. i tried a new tea that i picked out and actually finally found one i liked. i ran a hot bubble bath. i washed my hair, my back, my body as though i was someone i loved. and i felt loved.

it was really nice. im holding onto that joy.

ive realized just how much pain other people tend to put me through. why, then, should i hinge my right to my life on my relationship with others?

im going to live. fuck anything else. fuck everybody whos ever made me feel like a fucking burden. if its soooo hard dealing with me, imagine fucking being me. i deserve so much better.

[goremet-chef]

i wish i existed for like. me? i think thats not coming across how i want but what im saying is right (ramble/rant)

im mentally ill like most people are hello mento illness community but ? ive spent a lot of time reflecting and adapting and ITS KINDA SAD ive just learned to co-exist with this shit even when there is technically some kind of cure somewhere. i remember my therapist told me i find too much comfort in my sadness and thats still true, but like. IDK im living still which is good

cuz ive spent so much time with self reflection i just get it bro 😭😭 i know how to handle other people with bpd pretty well, like. ill do things specifically NO MATTER WHO IT IS whether they have bpd or not i wanna make sure i dont accidentally give anyone RSD if i can help it yknow? pick my words carefully and i try my best to speak in a way that lets people know i want to include them cuz i feel excluded a lot

same with depression, obviously i dont have pretty tiktok depression ive got sleep for 12 hours dont take care of my body rot in my room type but i see it so???? ITS LIKE THAT ONE POST LIKE " 'people get so depressed they dont brush their teeth??? 😰' people get so depressed they kill themselves" LIKE.. ITS CRAZY SKJFSF its just the sad reality with all mental illness, if its not aesthetic and if yr displaying negative symptoms, people arent activists anymore, they dont really care. theyll degrade and dehumanize you just like everyone else

SO i do my best to make sure ? idk i GET IT, so i want to make sure if anyone feels that way, they know i wont degrade them either, that i wont feel disgusted with them or what have you

I JUST WISH THAT LIKE. lord knows i dont want to be friends with myself ew that guy sucks but sometimes i wish the people around me felt more like i do. my family does just think im disgusting even when i explain i dont have the energy to even move sometimes, im constantly suppressing my sadness, rage, even my joy. constantly holding my mouth shut whenever something upsets me and makes me feel rejected cuz i know no one is gonna understand unless they go through what i go through

cuz i know how tiring it is, idk i just want other people to know that i see you and yr not awful for being mentally ill. really tired of all the stigma surrounding various mental disorders cuz it like. it seems like it never goes away???? no matter how much systems scream about DID rep in media it never gets any better (the best example i can think of in recent is moon knight and that still has its flaws), no matter how many bpd support groups there are people still think yr an abuser the second they hear you have it, same with npd and honestly all the cluster b disorders. the seriousness of depression and anxiety is often overlooked, autism and adhd are either glamorized like hell or completely looked down upon, its so. dumb

the problem is, once they learn you are mentally ill in some way, you no longer have a voice. because yr crazy and why should they listen to you? thats how they feel basically. they see us as like. subhuman?? not well enough to make our own decisions apparently, which is so sad and so fucked up. instead of helping you cope with these problems, they just strip away yr humanity. so if they wont make us feel welcome, i can at least do my part to make other people feel welcome, yknow?

i just wish that people would do that for me 😔 no one ever disputes that im disgusting or lazy, they always shit on me for being so anxious and paranoid, like my entire existence is a burden on the people i know. the only way to not feel like that is if i never share my mental issues to begin with, which has its own problems. i do have some people who treat me well despite my flaws, but a majority dont. guess thats just reality for people like me

[pepprs]

covid is such an evil evil disease and an evil evil thing to live through lol