#i just dont understand why he never texts me directly

[tumbasenalma]

dont understand why my brother never speaks directly to me, he always tells me things through my mom and idk why bc he has my number, if he wants to tell me something then he should text me

[naomi-nana]

hi ! how does suo, sakura and kaji (of u write him) when they annoy the hell out of the reader (playfully) and the reader doesn’t want to talk to him anymore how do they comfort the sulking reader?? thank u! i hope you dont die

apology (un)accepted! . wind breaker

where wbk men annoys the hell out of you and you sulk. how do they convince you to forgive them?

featuring : suou hayato, sakura haruka, kaji ren.

cw : fluff fluff fluff, sakura and kaji not being able to apologize, kisses in suou(i just like him ok)

a/n : OHMYGOD ITS ALMOST THE END OF THE YEAR—and i just wrote this?!?! this request has been sitting in my inbox for MONTHS... anon u might as well be dusty rn😕😕🙏 also that last part... r u threatening me😱😱

KAJI REN :

seriously? you're upset over that? he knows you're a little sensitive sometimes, but he didn't expect you to be this sensitive. he just put your water bottle on top of the fridge and laughs at you because you couldn't reach it, and now you're mad at him because of it. he's been 'trying' to apologize, but you would just ignore him.

well, of course, since his apology attempt is just him trying to make small talk with you. he's not good with it, okay? he's been trying to get you to talk just atleast a little, offering you one of his candies, sitting besides you, and even took off his headphone to put besides you and act as if he had lost it so you could give it back to him. he was sure you both would talk like normal again after that, but he was oh so wrong.

you were still upset.

after many unsuccessful 'apology' attempts, he pulled out his phone from his pocket and text his friend, kusumi, to ask for advice. he knows that kusumi probably has never been in a relationship before, but he's great at communicating with people. so he could probably help him, that's what kaji thought. after texting him, kusumi told kaji to "just apologize directly and everything will be okay:)".

well, that doesn't help. after reading kusumi's text for what felt like an hour, he finally mustered up the courage to approach you on the sofa and apologize. "sorry, for earlier." you were happy that he actually apologized, but you want him to be more genuine. so you told him that. "ugh, i'm sorry, okay? dont...ignore me like that again, dumbass."

he may have called you a dumbass, but you're 100% sure that he didn't mean it.

SUOU HAYATO :

would immediately notice your change in behaviour, and he would immediately apologize. but, you being you, stays upset for the whole day. he is so confused on what to do. he offers you tea, he apologized again, but you still won't budge. what do you want him to do? get on his knees so you would forgive him?

well, he can do that. when he does, you immediately told him to stand up and asks what he's doing. "what do you mean? i'm just asking for your forgiveness, love." he says, as if stating the obvious. you waved both your hands in panic infront of your face, saying that he doesn't have to go that far for your forgiveness.

"oh? what do you want me to do, then?" he asked once again, and you go quiet. your fingers are trembling because you can't just possibly tell him to do whatever you want for your forgiveness. but you did anyway. not with your words, but with your actions. you lift your hand and use your finger to point to your lips, asking him to kiss you.

his eyes went wide slightly before he chuckled and approached you. he grabbed you by your chin and gave you a peck on your lips. he pulled back then whispered, "if you want that as an apology, you could've said so since the beginning."

SAKURA HARUKA :

oh, oh no. he's upset that you're upset. well, he's not angry at you. he's confused as to why you would get so upset over a simple little joke. all he did was hid your phone under the pillows in the living room, pretended not to see it—although it failed because he's bad at stifling his laughs, then reveals it to you. he doesn't understand why you would get upset over that.

not only that, sakura is the WORSE(with italic and bold) at apologizing. even worse than kaji. he has way too much pride in himself to actually apologize, which make this predicament much worser for the both of you. but of course, since you're his lovely partner, he'd try his best to apologize to you.

it took a lot of practice in the bathroom, and he finally had the courage to approach you and apologize, even though he is still stuttering. but, when he had the courage, an hour has passed already, and you aren't even upset at him anymore. so when he came up to you and mumbled, "hey, i'm... um... s-sorry, y'know. for earlier. i didn't mean to hurt your feelings." you just chuckled softly at him before quickly pulling him into a hug. you tell him that no, you're not upset anymore at him, and that you appreciate his effort to apologize at you by practicing his apology over and over again for an hour.

he asks you to never mention that last part ever again.

naomi-nana. do NOT repost, do not use,(with or without permission), do not reccommend or talk about my works outside of tumblr.

[sassykinzonline]

sometimes its actually alarming HOW uncritically the naruto fandom looks at the text like because something isnt "shown" in canon/on-screen (it usually is, but just implicitly) people think it means it couldnt have happened and therefore making sweeping statements about the character like "theyre just weak" or "they make no sense"

as usual im going to focus on naruto (😌) heres an example but it applies to many others (itachi, gaara, neji, hinata,...me)

here are some things we know about naruto:

he is inexplicably talented at taijutsu despite having no mentor

he created sexy jutsu for attention from older men (he craves a father figure)

he is rather repulsed by affection aside from certain people

he relies on shadow clones to outnumber his enemies and protect him from damage, as well as acting like diversions (he only later on seems to learn to use them practically as well, and he doesnt use them as an actual team iirc)

he represses his memories and life severely if they cause him distress or negative emotion, and when he doesnt do that it causes him to lose complete control of himself in anger

some of these things are basic signs of a child who has been abused in multiple ways (particularly verbally, physically, and sexually), but also just logically how is it possible that naruto became proficient at taijutsu when he didnt train with anyone and had no teacher to correct him? why would it be important to naruto to have, what are essentially, human shields? why does naruto freely tolerate physical abuse he receives while others openly complain about it? why would that lead to naruto eventually wanting to defend/protect everyone in tandom with ANOTHER orphan who feels the same? why would WE not be able to have a clear directly depicted answer to this as a reader?

idk to me personally there are a lot of things people say are "headcanons" are just things they logically put together based on subtext, and theres a reason why a vast majority of people who read the same text come to the same conclusion. it seems like this is a lot less common in manga form (i dont read manga so i wouldnt know, i understand different mediums have different communication norms but some things are just literary basics), so its the first time ive encountered this "why does everyone believe in [some idea not said in plain english]? it's never said anywhere!" logic...it doesnt need to be. there are certain clues and patterns youre supposed to be able to draw conclusions for based on common life experiences (archetypes/universal symbols).

if you can do these above steps and come to a conclusion, and a plurality of people come to the same conclusion, it was probably intentional on the author's part. if the author explicitly states its not intentional, then sure, but that doesnt take away from how/why the story is impactful because the author may not even realize theyre doing it. an easy example i can think of is tsunade's fear of blood, where its meant to symbolize death, but in her case also ends up symbolizing love wrt her relationships with naruto and jiraiya. and thanks to blood gaining this symbolism through tsunade, when you see uchiha tears of blood, you instantly make those same connections. then you think back to gaara screaming about having never seen his blood (coming from his forehead where that tattoo of his is......), then the eventual resolution of that being an inversion of the symbolism the manga establishes when he battles his father during the war.

more than anything though i find it kind of concerning that adults sit around laughing at obviously what is meant to be traumatic. as if there arent people in your life who sit around with these same experiences and signs, with something they havent told you about because theyre afraid youll laugh at them.

[am-i-the-asshole-official]

Am I (27m) the asshole for wanting my boyfriend (28m) to be attracted to me?

This involves sex as a topic but won't get explicit, I'll keep it vague. I'm asexual. Completely sex repulsed in a physical sense, mostly due to autistic sensory issues. I've never had any interest in sex and didn't have any libido at all before going on testosterone, so the way most allosexuals tend to view and think of sex is something I've always struggled to understand.

In previous relationships, my asexuality was handled in different ways depending on the person. One boyfriend was totally fine just not having a sexual aspect to our relationship, another one had a hookup he got my approval on. The compromise me and my last boyfriend came up with was that he'd text me his fantasies about me and that did a lot for him without me having to physically be in the situation, and even if I didn't get anything sexual out of it I did enjoy it. It was a confidence boost. I dont generally consider myself attractive or desirable, i wear sweaters in summer because im so self conscious, and this compromise actually did a lot to help me see myself in a different light.

I recently got into a new relationship and, as with every relationship I've been in, there's inevitably a discussion about how we're going to compromise on this issue. My new boyfriend didn't know anything about asexuality and barely understood when I explained but he's very insistent about not crossing my boundaries, which I appreciate. But the problem is, since he'd never considered sexuality from a less direct angle, he didn't really know where to even start with ideas when we were trying to work out a compromise. So, I started making suggestions, thinking back to what worked for other people I'd dated. Just abstaining wasn't going to be doable for him so I didn't suggest it, and he wouldn't be comfortable with a hookup.

I remembered my ex used to be able to get something out of telling me about his fantasies so I asked if that was something he'd be into. I wasn't angling to try to get him to agree to something, I genuinely just wanted to know whether or not that was an option to consider. He didn't actually answer at first, he went quiet and then he answered the question with another question and asked "wouldn't something like that make you uncomfortable?" And I said "no, because the physical component is the thing I have issues with, not the subject matter itself. So long as I don't have to directly engage in the situation, I'm golden."

I don't know if this is something that was really stupid of me to say and my autistic ass just didn't realize, but since he's so careful about my boundaries and comfort and tends to fret, I thought his problem in the moment was worry that I'd be making myself uncomfortable in an attempt to meet his needs. So I hurried to reassure him and said not only would it not make me uncomfortable, I'd enjoy it in a way. Not sexually, but I enjoy knowing that my partner is attracted to me. It makes me feel good about myself.

He got really upset. He doesn’t get upset easily and hadn't ever gotten properly upset with me before (at least not to this extent) so I was very taken aback, but I was floored by his reason for being upset. Not word for word, but he essentially said "so basically you want me to frustrate myself to feed your ego?"

I was, I think understandably, completely fucking appalled by such a suggestion. I said of course not, I was just suggesting something I knew worked for someone else because even if it wasn't his thing, we could narrow down options by process of elimination. Which made logical sense, to me. He wasn't calmed though, he started saying things like "so, you want your partner to be attracted to you even though you never plan on actually letting them act on that attraction? Do you see how cruel that is?" And... I don’t know, which is why I'm submitting this here. Is that cruel?

From my perspective, I would think it's only natural to want to know your partner finds you attractive, doesn't everyone want to be wanted to some degree? I don't get some sort of sadistic thrill out of it as he seemed to be implying, and I don't want it to impact my partners in a negative way. If this was something he would find frustrating then no, of course I wouldn't want him to frustrate himself, we could look at other options. When I made the suggestion, I figured the worst that would happen was he'd say no and we'd narrow down the list of options. I never imagined my moral character would be called into question.

He's usually so, so nice to me and it hit really hard for someone who’s usually so fond of me to say I sounded selfish and vain. Both actual words he used when this devolved into an argument. I explained my reasoning for suggesting it to begin with but he said the issue isn’t the suggestion, it's that he thinks that it's fucked up of me to want my partner to be attracted to me when I'm not going to indulge that attraction and it makes him wonder if I'm really a different, worse person deep down and he's only now getting to see it. He called it a red flag. That seemed like such a leap to me but I don't want to dismiss the suggestion out of hand. Many bad people think they're good people, so it's not out of the question.

This was our first real argument, previous disagreements had been talked out very calmly but emotions ran high with this one. I dont know if this is something that triggered him for deeper reasons, considering his reaction was so intensely out of the norm for him, or if the whole thing just looks entirely different from the perspective of someone who isn't sex repulsed.

Am I the asshole here? Is it really as fucked up as he says that I enjoy knowing my partner is attracted to me even though I won't agree to have sex with them?

We didn't discuss the topic any more that night, and it hasn't been brought up since. He hasn't been treating me differently than before, but he's always proactively apologized before when he was in the wrong about things and he hasn't this time, so to me that says he still stands by what he said. His words have stuck with me and they’re eating at me. I feel like such a horrible person, and I have no idea if I should feel more or less guilty about this.

Tl;dr: my boyfriend is upset that I like knowing my partners are attracted to me even though I don't want to and don't intend to have sex with them bc he thinks that's majorly fucked up and a red flag.

What are these acronyms?

[parachutingkitten]

I have two sins that somwhat cohenside:

As a Cole stan for life I despise the Cole is gay HC and have had to abandon the tag because of its prevalence. Lavashipping is a NOTP and of all the art and edits I've seen polluting my Cole tag I still cant see any chemistry or dynamic between them besides they are both attractive. All the ninja ships are incest vibes (not just the gay ones. Looking at you Braincellshipping) to me as they treat eachother and call eachother brothers but at least there was tension and chemistry between the old days of Bruiseshipping. Lava's prevalence online had me quit for a long time as I couldnt understand why it randomly gained such traction and then showrunners made the dumb idea to try and bait fan perceptions in crystalized. I see cole as somewhat aromantic (although the term is mostly meaningless and used to describe anyone who is uncmfortable or disinterested with romance without analysing the deeper psychological reasons that might be the case) but he obviously wants to be a father and I don't see how any of his defined traits attribute to being the fans gay stand in besides the fact that fandom always has the urge to pick one to be the LGBT mascot and create content that isnt there simply for their own self indulgence. I like Coliel (if anyone remembers Seliel) as it leans into Coles obliviousness to advances while it shows off his honorable and protective personality. I don't find Cole particularly coded LGBT in any of the seasons up until Dragons rising, which the episode focussing it was badly written and OOC.

My other "sin" I suppose is I disown ALL of DR for being a horrible soft reboot that does everything a soft reboot shouldn't: messing with preestablished lore in an attempt to prop up these random new characters as just, if not more, powerful than our protagonists. The new writer has a horrible track record with character ensemble shows like TMNT 2012 and its a worthless slap in the face continuation of an ended series. The diologue is horrendously tacky and most jokes dont land. The push by the writers to add in fan characterizations and expand the lore beyond whats established is lazy and uninspired. There is so much left to explore in Ninjago the way it was. We never went to most of the continent but why try to write compelling stories and dramas with an already defined map when you could throw everything out the window and make your own sandbox, shoehorning it into Ninjago regardless on how ridiculous it looks and feels.

*exhale* alright. I lot to get through here.

there is nothing wrong with not HCing cole gay, especially if you seem him on the aro/ace spectrum. I'm in the exact same boat. And just because there are very prevalent gay interpretations of the text does not mean you have to adopt them, or watch them with that subtext in mind. The true potential episode can obviously really easily be read as a coming out allegory, and a lot of people have latched onto that. And good for them!

But it's just as easily read as a story about defying your parent's expectations for a career path- especially if that's something you can relate to. I think the episode works even better in that respect (cuz that's kinda more directly what it's about, but also) because it adds in this layer of also respecting the place where your parents came from and make their living with. Honestly, I didn't see any gay coding on my first watch through of that one dragons rising episode. I saw Cole's relationship with Geo as much more of a mentor/mentee thing, probably because he's typically taken on a father role. I thought Geo and Sora had more chemistry honestly, with that one scene where their bonding over rejection. That's the beauty of media, multiple interpretations! It sounds like you're letting the fandom color your viewing experience, and that's your problem. The crystalized kai/cole stuff can just as easily be read as brother shenanigans. Don't let fanon make things canon for you if you don't want them to.

I'm on the same page of not shipping the core 4 together. The early seasons were directly focused on their brotherhood in my view, so I get it. But, let's not begrudge people their imaginary LGBTQ rep. As far as I understand lavashipping took off cuz it's the only gay pairing of the main characters who could still potentially be canonically shipped together. Jaya and pixane are pretty set in stone, and lloyd is pretty much off limits. But kailor is very iffy in canon, and cole has never had a love interest. And even if I don't ship it, I can see the value of people having some level of hope that the show might give them some rep. But again, none of this means you have to ship it or feel bad for not shipping it.

Second, you've got some unique opinions on dragons rising. Cool. I don't think you're completely invalid or anything, but I do think some of these opinions might be a little biased?

You're mad it brought back the... finished tv show? The show that finished with crystalized? The worst possible ending of the show? Honestly, it wasn't that much more conclusive than other seasons. Ninjago has always struck me as an evergreen property- a world with endless adventures in it. To begrudge future stories for existing seems a little selfish to me. Ninjago should be a property that new kids can get into for years to come. I've got some problems with what dragons rising has done. I don't think the merge was the best way to go. I hate how needlessly small it makes everything feel. I think sora is a little too chosen-one-y. There are things to criticize here. But it's pulling a lot off. I think it's balanced screen time between old characters and new characters pretty well. It's established a fairly unique identity for itself, which can be a real struggle for sequel content. Again, I think you're coming into it with a distorted fandom lens which is making you hate it more. Not to say that you're wrong, but you're feelings associated with your opinions may be a little exaggerated.

if you have a sin you would like to confess, please direct it to @ninjago-sins

[linklethehistorian]

salutations mr linkle the hyrule historian tumblr can u direct me 2 the last anon that said ur wrong bc i think they're great n I wanna give them a kiss on the lips!!!! anyway was it not u that said the OFFICIAL!!!!!!! 15 translation was wrong n bad so i dont think the opinions of anyone who considers rimbaud a doormat n wrote the abomination that is cherish are valid

anyway anon if ur reading this ilove u pooks u me n bitch tree anon n bully anon should b poly or smth we'd make beautiful children

Hmmmmmmmmmm, well I don’t remember anybody saying I was wrong, honey. 🤔 Last anon just asked me a question about if I’d ever considered something, and I answered! 😊

Anyway I’d love love love love to help you two hook up bc that’s so sweet and I want to meet your future children so much! 🥺💕💕💕 I could be a part of a real life love story! 🥺💖💖💖💕💕💕💕💕 So cute!!! I don’t think Bully anon or Bitch Tree anon would be into it unfortunately at first, since they send me little hearts and cutesie things these days…. I’m sorry about that. 😔 Oh well! I’m sure when they hear your dedication to reach out to me they’ll still want to give you kissies somehow ‘cause they’re so dedicated to me too, just in a very loving way.

And yee! I did say the ‘official’ translation was bad! Thank you so much for remembering my words and sticking around my blog so long. 🥺💕 Anyway yeah, that unfortunately happens sometimes, and by sometimes, I mean a lot, ‘cause a) there are people out there who unironically think it’s okay to take creative liberties in translating because it’s their right as someone taking the time to do it (can’t be assed rn but if you search around this site enough, you’ll find an entire thread of translators talking about this), b), there are people who write for a lot of series they’re not into and therefore aren’t aware of all the context of previous novels, c) there are people who just slip up and make mistakes! Happens all the time unfortunately and most people don’t understand that if you misunderstand or change one thing it can change everything, and d) people who are tasked with translating 99% of the time never even talk to the people team of people who actually published the original, much less are in contact with the author themself! Mistranslations and drastic creative liberties happen a lot for example in the fandom I came from (The Legend of Zelda), which you can see a bit here! And if you still don’t believe me, you can go ask Dear old Author Neil Gaiman, who has even had some of the characters in his books turned from lovers to sisters and everything, a lot of the time completely without his knowledge until fans point it out to him! If you scroll his blog, I’m sure you’ll find those posts for yourself, assuming he doesn’t see an ask from you on if it happens. ‘Tis a sad thing, but Asagiri-sensei likely doesn’t even know when a mistranslation happens, much less do these people sit down and ask him things directly before doing their thing. He certainly doesn’t have involvement overseeing the process; that’s an unreasonable thing to ask of someone when it involves other languages they may or may not even be fluent in. And all the proof we need that it’s wrong is that the JP novel and the Stage Play (both things that Asagiri was directly, heavily involved in and/or directly penned the words of/material of the script for himself) both contradict it. If you’d like to take on that claim, since you’re implying I’m wrong, have at it! The burden of proof is on you, so, I look forward to seeing you send me the individual JP source lines of the Eng translations you want to take a crack at defending and a long wall of educational text explaining why each part of the English translation got it 1,000% right, directly in my in-box. If not, have a good day ‘cause I’m sorry, but I got limited time and other things to do right now, baby. 💕 I’ll eventually get to it myself some day, but right now I have other articles to finish first, art to make, and a fic to keep posting.

Speaking of which…OMG YOU READ CHERISH? 🥺💕💕💕💖💖💕💕💖💕💕💖💖😊💖💕🥺💕🥺💕💖💕💕🥺💕💖💕💕💕 That’s so sweet OMG OMG OMG! I’m glad you enjoy my beautiful ‘abomination’ enough to read and keep up with it! Don’t worry sweetie, the next chapter is on its way!

See this is why I love love love love love love love my ‘haters’ so fucking much, I adore y’all, I’d kill for y’all, OMG. You give me so much dedication and time, I know how much y’all adore me and I adore you right back! My beloved super fans. 💕💕💕💖💖💕💕💖💕💕💕💕🥺🥺🥺 Every ask I get and vague post I read makes my heart flutter, frfr, I’ve actually got an album I keep of screenshots of y’all’s posts to give me the motivation to keep doing what I do whenever I’m down. 🥺💖💖💕💕 This one goes in the collection for sure ahhhh 💖💖💕💕💕 I’m so important to people OMG IT’S SO CUTE AND SWEET

TAKE CARE OUT THERE ANON! PLS SEND ME MORE MESSAGES I LOVE THEM. I WAIT WITH BATED BREATH 💖💖💕💕💖💕💕💕💖💖

GOOD LUCK ON YOUR DATE!!! PLEASE MAKE BABIES WHO ARE ALSO OBSESSED WITH ME, I CAN’T WAIT 💕💕💕💖💖

[angstics]

a long introspective post because i know with time i will forget this and i want to remember it all.

night of june 30th, technoblade's death was announced. i didnt believe it for a few minutes because i couldnt watch the video (i still havent). but it was true -- he passed away age 23 from cancer he discovered *less than a year* before his death. i keep quiet about how much i liked minecraft youtubers 2020 - 2021 because that turned out to be a DISASTER. but technoblade was one of the shining beacons. genuinely always the best, completely outside of post-death rose-tinted glasses. always.

before that, i was kind of getting into my chemical romance. id known of them my whole life. from dan and phil references to annoying ass g-note jokes to the twenty one pilot's cancer cover. i heard the Big Three hits but couldnt tell you what they were (except for "welcome") before listening to three cheers for the first time at the end of june. i dont know why i decided to start them. i wasnt really into music -- my top albums the last couple years included burnham's inside, starkid's twisted, and falsettos (2016). i wish i remembered better. if listening to them for the first time isnt a core memory, this is:

after 6 months of relative stability, i understandably hit a depressive episode in july. i would lie on my couch into the early morning for no reason. i wasnt trying to distract myself from his death ... there were no thoughts to be distracted from. it isnt a headspace i understand, especially since i never left it.

but for another unknown reason i thought to watch those mcr live shows. mind, at this point id only listened to three cheers. no exaggeration, i was betwitched by their performance. i most vibrantly remember gerard's eyes. crazy fucking eyes.

i'd forgotten cancer was an mcr song. when top released their cover, i listened to the original. i decided i liked twenty one pilots' more. i switched on that when i saw my chem on snl (i didnt watch BPID all the way through til a week later). it's the stripped down song, it's the direct lyrics, it's the crazy eyes. like he's trying to communicate EVERYTHING through his eyes.

the intro to BPID was like that too. when he ripped the hospital dress off and did the ghoul scream. had that feeling when i saw frank perform vampire money in glasgow. just. completely uninhibited. performace to say something truthful. unlike anything ive ever seen. from someone who wasnt very into music or live performance or theatre, much less the mechanics of it, i suddenly understood it all.

that screenshot is an abridged version of my actual search history. this is how it went.

june 26 i watched ->

side bar, thinking about it now, my interest in pink floyd directly lead to my interest in mcr. early morning july 1st, this is what i was watching (alan parsons project great reccomendation from my friend bink bonk):

july 2 i was watching videos a friend of techno's publicized to commerate him. the mcr video was in the reccomended tag -- a combo of the live pink floyd video and the im not okay mv. crazy how influenced my life is by where youtube leads me.

then i saw a LITTLE bit of BPID before seeing my chem in 2022 for the first time. this was just weeks after bonn. i didnt watch the full eden either. but i did watch all of "welcome" at milton keynes, based on the time stamps

this whole fucking day spent watching mcr videos. reading 2011, zack sang clip frank iero explains reading 2011 drama, mcr iceberg explained, "mcr best perfomance", "mcr best moments", mcr on letterman, mcr snl, "understanding the black parade" (i had not listened to black parade) -- then i left at 4pm. probably to sleep.

july 2nd was The day. i remember while watching these videos a realization hugging me. i knew that i was struck. from july until november, the majority of my conversations had something to do with my chem.

at the very beginning, i texted people about them to gage modern attitudes. growing up, they were adjacent to bands i thought sold out or lost their spark -- panic!, twenty one pilot, fall out boy. as ive said a million times, there is a Reason i didnt get into my chem earlier. just the other day on a SPECIFICALLY EMO SUBREDDIT there were people talking about how they "weren't ashamed to like mcr". where does this shame come from!!!!!! too mainstream for punk, too punk for mainstream. everyone knows this.

well anyway, july 2nd was just the first layer: the performance. july 11 (/early july 12) was another big day. the second layer: gender and sexuality. literally my tags on the first mcr post i reblogged ->

then i saw the great collection by flockofdoves and. well.

same day i found out about "i wanna be your joey ramone" and sleater-kinney, though i wouldnt listen to the song for a short while. that's layer 4: branching out to other music.

layer 3 was music appreciation. i listened to each of their albums in full sequentionally (KIND OF since i relistened to bullets 3 times were i only listened to the others in full 2 times max), purposuefully holding off for weeks between each album. i remember the first time i sat down to listen to black parade. i was buzzing at like 12:30 am because id decided that was the night. the end -> dead rocked my whole world. never got the instinct to bang your head around til those songs. the whole album was fucking amazing but something aboout famous last words got to me. id be sitting in the car with my sister and singing the bridge over and over. the perfect string of words -- with words i thought id never speak: awake and unafraid, asleep or dead.

i used to hate live performances because the music sounded worse than the studio version while giving me nothing performance-wise. id never wanted to go to a concert in my life. but not only did they sound GOOD live, it was a whole different experience. an adaptation that added to the experience in ways entirely different to what is lost. like i said, crazy eyes. and smiles like flowers and the audience louder than the amps and movement led by sound and memory. like. like nothing else. you cant understand this unless youre in love -- completely dedicated to it.

sometime in august i discovered they were coming to my town the next month. the first concert i ever wanted to go to. my parents were a nightmare about it the whole month until i got the permission to go. ive said also said this a million times: it was like rapture.

i dont understand why you would want to do anything that doesnt work towards that same feeling. my parents didnt get that feeling and i couldnt go to another show. it's been months and it still drives me insane. it drives me fucking insane. it drives me insane.

so those are the core memories related to my chem that got me here. it's a lot of love. love so big i cant even hold. it's belief. something close to religious. it's a lot of fear too -- fear the feeling will go away, that i'll "wake up", fear that they'll be taken. one reason i dont like music is the feelings i attach to it are so profound that i cant listen to it without feeling what i felt in the past. it's why i limit how much i listen to my chem. that's another fear -- though i attach positive feelings to the band, im engaging in it while depressed. more than engaging, obsessing. i cant focus on much else.

i hope as i get better mentally, this doesnt leave me. i got into it to cope. it showed me another dimension of art and life and emotion. it's a hard thing to navigate. i want the good, healthy parts of this to be my life. i hope i can figure that out. i hope it works out.

july 26 2020, i looked this up:

i have no memory of this at all.

the night before, i was on a technoblade binge that ended with me watching one of his seminal videos that i remember beat for beat.

i love technoblade forever. i cant watch his videos right now, but i hope i can someday. i love my chem forever. i hope-

[lqfiles]

hiii thank u for your kind words :( yesterday i fell asleep hoping u would answer cause i really like reading ur responses so i fell asleep at like 2am and i have volleyball practice at 9AM on saturdays, so i was SO sleepy i put my alarm in the calculator 😐😐😐😐 not funny did not laugh, anyways R didn’t go to volleyball practice and hasn’t talked to J yet, she does speak to me so i guess me yelling at her didnf psis her off as much as i thought it would, M never texts in our gc 😒😒 but its okay we love her, A talks to me too, its just between J and R that things are kinda… tense.

aw thank u so much :( im sorry if i don’t know how to take compliments bc i dont personally think im cute, but hearing u say it so many times makes it easier for me to be confident about it 🫶🏻🫶🏻 so thanks! i do find you to be really cute (and VERY funny) too !!!

also 2 week long holiday??? THATS GREAT im really happy for you!! how are you doing w school? any test or projects you’re working on? i still don’t understand this whole college thing… is it something u do during junior and senior year? or after you graduate?

also jisung is my bf and all but chenji overrated asf imo… people will focus on popular ships and turn their head away from a duo like markmin… i personally really like jaemin and hyuck’s dynamic too but anyways o did vote for markmin !! at least lqfiles appreciates them 🙏🏻

ps why does everyone think yn and mark are having sex??? 🤔

- 🐣 anon again…

HELLOOO i’m so happy to see you’re active here omg i hope you’re studying tho, DONT SPEND TOO MUCH TIME ON HERE

i’m sorry if my response was late i normally only reply when it’s 11 pm here because i post at 12 😣 i also never knew you did volleyball WTFFF that’s so cool, i wish i was talented in a sport.. i mean i can skate well but that isn’t rlly a sport. IM HAPPY THAT IT DOESNT SEEM TO BE TOO BAD WITH YOUR FRUENDS tho i hope those other two will come around and stop making things so awkward 😭

LOLLL i’m sorry if me calling you cute bothers you btw it’s just that i always awe at your messages so i instinctively call you cute </3 i’m so you tho because i truly don’t know how to take compliments either, i always get shy, especially when it’s irl lmao but thabk you for thinking i’m cute and funny IM VERY HAPPY RN!!!!:D

school is almost finishing and i just submitted my last coursework for the school year so rn my class is just kinda doing anything! idk about other colleges but since i go to college in the UK we don’t do junior stuff and all, instead we have levels and (level 1,2,3) and here you can apply based on how good your grades are (if they were really good you can immediately start in level 3, if not you start lower) i’m currently doing level 3 year 1 (level 3 has two years over here) but i’m still figuring out if i wanna do this next year or just apply for an apprenticeship (basically getting education while also getting work experience)

CHENJI ARE CUTE BUT SO OVERRATED LIKE they barely interact and if they do it’s so little (imo) i’m more of a markmin girl because of the way mark treats jaemin, like jaemin is the same age as 00 so he treats them like friends but with mark he literally becomes a baby and it’s so cute i fucking love it IM SUCH A HUGE MARKMINIST YOU DONT GET IT, ITS MY BRAND, i should do a dream pair ranking tbh. THANO YOU FOR VOTING MARKMIN i think they lost regardless because they went against chenji (WHICH ISNT FAIR….) i love a bit of nahyuck too, not my fave pair but they’re funny tgt!!

I WISH I LJEW WHY EVERYONE THINKS SO guys pls if they were i would insinuate it more but laughing around and her asking to hang and her directly saying they only kiss.. COME ON…

[hadtochangeuserbecauseimparanoid]

Realizing the meta of it all

My dad has came to the realization that his healthy position in my life is a figure to guide and support me, and pass on the best knowledge he has to handle this life thing to me, as he can. Hes doing a good job, he's struggling himself, but despite it hes doing perfect not letting me in on his personal life details because I'm not asking, unless its about his physical health like his teeth. What I'm getting at there is he isnt talking to me about his progression in therapy, or about him trying to do better; he's just doing better and showing me that.

My mom... I can't say she isnt doing her version of that too, but it hasn't met mine yet? Trying to be optimistic here. She doesn't know how to be a healthy mom, plain and simple. She MIGHT not know that her healthy position in my life is someone that will guide and support me, she also might know that and is so terrified of fucking it up, because she has for so long. I am her kid, if my emotions are genetic, learned from her, or fuck, both man! Like, it would make sense she has an immense fear of failure. And it comes out in odd ways because of being aware, but not knowing where to go from there

Gotta dial back on the hyperanalyzing my take of what my mom may think, that's not healthy. But dude... I need her to show me this is a talked about goal in therapy without her showing it, in short. My dad is in therapy, and hes being better for me; that's a healthy way to see and process my dad is being better for me and therapy is helping him finally heal and accomplish that with me.

My mom is in therapy, and I haven't been shown any proof she's being better for me, other than her NOT making me directly feel like shit, guilty, ragging on me, keeping the cycle of lovebombing, being cold or focused on anything but me and my words, and then blowing up, apologizing, lovebombing, so on. Shes broken that cycle from my perspective. But I dont even have clear proof that shes aware theres a cycle to be broken between us. We need family therapy, which shes asked for. So I think we have kept eachother at a standstill maybe with healing from that stuff, by not doing that, and not being on the same page while still trying to be in eachothers lives?

God it's so messy in here LMAO. I guess shes genuinely doing her best by mirroring me; never letting in on anything unless it's safe or presumed Safe. Maybe she thought she'd be cool to me for smoking before taking me into the dmv, instead of a mentally underdeveloped adult (I offered to smoke with her right after chill out man you can wait, I get if you're nervous but you should have found away around this already, I was bound to try to find a way to bond given you're TRYING, RIGHT???)

I don't get it man. Shit is so confusing, and I have to call her today to ask if she can so kindly drive 35 minutes to bring me christmas presents I left there, and then 35 back. Instead of me doing it, which I've been trying to for three weeks. I always am the one to drive to them, and I don't understand why she had to ghost me for three weeks plus, I'm typing this being ghosted, asking her is she could bring it here because "I've been having trouble finding a way to get to y'all to get my presents".

Maybe I need to update her? And just call her and with my voice ask "hey, I've been having issues trying to get to y'all for about three weeks now. When I first texted you we had just came down with the flu, right after my tooth just had let up on hurting almost fully (still a super super slight dull ache, it just hurts when I run or hang upside down type shit), and I couldn't come get it and risk getting them sick and cams mom sick using her car. So after we got better, I've literally been trying daily to either use the car early in the day on the weekend, ask cams dad to borrow his truck to be told no, ask cams mom if she can use Andrew's car for work so we can borrow hers on wednesday morning at this point, then we asked late in the day so now its Thursday that she said we can. Come Thursday morning we forgot to remind HER when weve already asked, so NOW we have to do it friday or hope to GOD she says yes to bringing it, AND Joan's worms (5 minute trip in and out, 10 max come ON you know? It's for your kids lizard that you consider to be like a fucking grandchild by how you talk about them you wouldnt be bothered to help with that on the way), and end this loop of hell for me????

And if she says she can't or makes a bs excuse, or in any way I get triggered from calling her and phrase shit defensively, I could then not only continue/turn that cycle wheel after years of both of us trying to end it, but not get to my goal or do anything effective, which is to ask for help; but lowkey I also will be listening for if she seems to actually care about looking out for me in her excuse and may get upset if she is in any way clearly, to me, making excuses or alluding to it being too much to help her kid out sometime in the next fucking 7 days idc but please try to show me you care I deserve a mom that cares don't I? Don't I?

And see, if I dont reign it in I have emotional flashbacks, because in my brain shes still saying all of those hurtful things she did in the past, throwing hairspray cans and hairbrushes at me, tackling me, ect, with her saying "no", to helping me.

And if she says yes, I just experienced all of these flashbacks, and get to hang out with my mom the next day! And try to be healthy for her in turn myself and remember it's for me but also not get mixed up and do too much for her in turn putting me out in the equation. Teehee!

[bunnihearted]

i hate myself for fucking up the only chance i've ever had. when i was 15, there was a guy who liked me. he showed it clearly, and my so called friends at the time even said "u know he has a crush on u right"? i never believe anyone likes me, bc why would anyone, but im certain of the fact that he liked me. we even hung out, talked on the phone for hours and texted all the time. he knew me irl so he obvi knew what i look like and he still liked me. and the kicker, i also liked him. so much. i wanted to let him tell me and i wanted to show him i liked him back. but it was at the time when i didnt know i had avpd, so i was completely defenseless to my brain. i avoided him, and the feelings, and ofc, we quickly drifted apart. i fucked it up. and i hate myself bc 1) im an aquired taste and this is the only time anyone has ever liked me romantically. i wont have another chance. 2) i actually liked him, and he liked me. i could've had something with him. i could've had it. i feel like we were so compatible too. if only i hadnt been so scared, if only i hadnt felt such strong nausea bc i cant understand how anyone could ever like me. if only i hadnt pushed him away. if only he had directly told me he liked me so i couldnt have ignored it. this is the one thing i regret so much, i so badly wish i had done differently. for so many reasons. i could've been someone who was wanted, i could've known what sex with someone i liked was like, i could've had experienced closeness and intimacity. to like and be liked. love cant save you, no. but i dont need to be saved i need to have a connection with someone. also... he was so different. he didnt fit in either. we fit together. anyway... he's gone. i cant contact him now even if i wanted to. i think he felt disappointed that i pushed him away and ignored him, bc shortly after he was completely closed off when i tried to contact him again and say sorry... i understand tho. i just wished i hadnt fucked it up.

[potatoindespair]

My dad makes it incredibly difficult to forget why I have anxiety and depression. So far he's been texting me every night to check up on me, but whenever I want to complain about something little or bring up something relating to my anxiety, he makes it an opportunity to tell me why I shouldn't be feeling that way.

He's making it increasingly harder to stay on good terms with him when I dont even want to talk to him anymore because of the way he always responds. All I'd like is just a little bit of empathy but he always turns it into a lecture.

I tell him of my stress when the realtor comes over; he responds with "Suck it up. You gotta meet with people for this job." I tell him about how no one chose to talk to me at this new church; he responds with "I know you don't like to, but you need to strike up conversations too."

Even a couple days ago, with talking about emojis and emoticons, he didn't even want to take into consideration my preferences and tells me I shouldn't use emoticons when talking with him. I know that conversation was in jest, but the conversation only came to be only after I told him my room wasn't messy like he thought it would be and he said "Oh right, I guess it hasn't been long enough for you to have messed it up yet."

I really tried not to take that conversation to heart by including emoticons, but he completely side stepped the issue by talking about the emoticons instead. I dont think he even realizes how much it hurts me that he has such a low perceived expectation of me. I wanted this move to do something different with my life. I wanted to grow and get better. But his words only tell me that he doesn't think I can change.

No matter what I do, I dont think I can get my own father to see me different. He's never had confidence in me. Even when in school he always voiced his thoughts about me potentially not graduating.

I told myself I would never have to post here again.

But instead I always come back to vent to no one. Its why I never told my dad until years after my depression started that he was the cause of it all. And even after writing down all the things he has inadvertently said and done to me and letting him read it for himself, he finds my words too harsh on him for calling him emotionally abusive.

My heart aches so much. I can't even ask him to stop or call him out for his behavior because I'm afraid I'll just be gaslighted again. I can't bring it up with my mom because she will definitely bring it up with my dad and then he'll want to talk to me about not wanting to bring it up directly with him, and then get gaslighted.

I never know how he'll respond to the things I say, yet I know exactly how he'll respond at the same time. He likes to be right. He likes to think everything is as simple as just doing. He doesn't understand how debilitating it is for me to have this mental disability and for him to just brush it aside.

And lastly, he's put me in this box of forever unchanging. This box labeling me as forever a messy person, forever someone who can't take care of themselves, forever a person that needs someone to constantly tell them what to do.

He didn't believe in me when I told him I had plans on going into the military. He kept bringing up and reminding me that military was meant to degrade you and break you down just to build you back up. And that was exactly why I wanted it, but he didn't think I could handle it with my depression and anxiety.

What he doesn't understand is, a stranger saying terrible stuff to me doesn't hurt nearly as much as someone who is supposed to love me saying terrible stuff to me. When a stranger tells you you can never be something greater, its easy to remind yourself that this person doesn't actually know you. But when someone who has known you your whole life tells you you can never be something greater, it tears you up because this person is supposed to love you and want you to become something greater.

He ends his texts telling me he loves me, and I do love him back, but its really hard to feel his love when he does this to me. This is why I feel so awfully alone now that I dont have Max.

I knew he loved me, and he supported me so well. I ended up taking his advice over my dad's at times and I know he didn't understand why.

Its times like these I really wish I could be someone different. Someone not in a box of predetermined outcomes.

I hate nights like this where I end up crying myself to sleep.

[the-three-idiots]

Tales of thedas: Epilogue #5  The final message of Ashal Tieran

It has been a few months since the ruins of Rata Sum, me and Master Raim have finally gotten to our final location; The last beacon

After two days of hiking through the Caledon wastes, we make it to the site of the last battle between the great powers of Tyria. The lands have been scorched, and impressions of bodies both humanoid and not have been left in the ground.

In the centre of the battlefield lies a giant crystal tower. Standing at least a hundred feet tall and glowing brightly, it brings light to the dark wastes surrounding it. This is the last beacon.

It took Master Raim and me an hour to get to the tower's base; we did not say a word to each other. We did not know what to expect, but we both knew that talking about it may only make it worse.

We travelled up the seemingly never-ending staircase, seeing dark impressions of humanoid figures pressed into the walls. Something ominous about them, like they shouldn't be there.

We finally reach the top of the staircase, leading to an open room. From this height, you can see the entire Caledon waste. We both look around for some way to activate whatever interface the tower may have.

“Hello Raim.” A voice spoke to Raim with a surprising level of warmth.

Master Raim and I turn around to see the hologram of the female sylvari, the same one from Rata sum. She certainly appeared without much warning.

“H-Hello?” Raim says nervously.

“It must be just a message.” I postulate

“I assure you I’m quite real master librarian.” she replies back to me.

How did she do that? There's no way for a hologram to do that at least. How is she responding to us?

“Who are you?” Raim asks

“I am the assembled knowledge of what was guild leader Ashal Tieran. I am essentially her.” she explains.

“Are you alive?” Master Raims asks

“In a sense.” she replies

Her hologram moves towards Raim. She looks directly at him.

“I can’t tell you how long I have waited to see you.” She says, giving a reassuring smile.

She places her hand on Raims cheek,

“I’m sorry I have to ask. How did you come to be?” I inquire

The hologram turns to me.

“During the last war, our fight against the shadows proved to be futile. The top minds of Tyria came together to give future generations a warning in hopes of making sure this never happens again. You see, in our hubris, we ignored the warnings about the elder dragons and as we let Aurene have her final rest. We quickly found out why there were six elder dragons. The magic that bound them kept the shadows at bay. The piercing light of six elder dragons in unison kept them from seeping into our world.” she explains.

This cannot be, I had studied all their texts and history. Surely the heroes of the past could not have ended the world?

“A second project alongside my own was created by the humans and asuran to ensure the viability of future generations. It was soon conceded the race who had the best chance of surviving the calamity was the Sylvari.” she looks at Raim “Reintegration At Infinite Means, you were our last, best hope at preserving life.” The hologram explains.

It makes sense, R.A.I.M was something that was written on the pod I found him in. I had always assumed it was his name, never thought it stood for something.

“Reintegration at infinite means?” Master Raim asks

“We tried to create a master seed, something that could sprout from any soil and still grow hundreds of new sylvari but recreating a new blighting tree proved too complicated and the time we had left meant that only two sylvari seeds could be made.” She says

The hologram swipes her hand and displays information around the inside of  the room.

“You have the lifespan of a human from our time, 200 years alongside properly integrated organs for reproduction and a brain capable of storing hundreds upon thousands of years worth of data.” the hologram explains

“I’m just some science experiment?” he asks

“Join the club kid, so am i.” she remarks

“I dont understand if these shadows were such a threat. How have I and master Raim not seen any?” I query 

“This entire tower is made of dragon crystals, both of Kralkatorrik and Aurenes. It was designed to soak up as much life energy throughout the world to repel the shadows. We drew them here with our very lives and then drained the life energy of everyone in Tyria to destroy them. In the process, our bodies burned an echo into the very essence of reality.” she explains

Raim looks at the shadowy impression of two figures kissing.

The hologram looks over at Raim, she walks over to the impression and gently touches the wall.

“I…The real Ashal Tieran and her wife, Ever Forward, spent their last moments. Their love forever burned into a monument of death.” The hologram says with a quite real inflection of sadness.

Raim smiles at the hologram. She smiles and turns back towards the center of the room. The tower begins to dim, she nods.

“It’s almost my time to go.” the hologram states

“What?” Raim asks.

“This tower barely had enough to contact you in Rata sum, damn near killed-” She pauses as she smiles to herself “Damn near killed me.” she chuckles.

Master Raim looks at me in distress, the last visage of his kind is about to fail and unfortunately there's nothing I can do.

“This whole tower contains your mind, doesn't it?” i ask, knowing the answer

“Who knew one's mind could be so big?” The hologram laughs to herself

The hologram starts glitching, losing her form for a split second. She falls to the floor, her interface must be burning the last remainder of energy just to say goodbye. Master Raim kneels down to the hologram, he takes hold of the hologram's hand who smiles when he does so.

“You said there were two seeds?” Master Raim asks 

“A female seed, yes, located somewhere out there.” her interface glitches once again “She is the only chance of  bringing back the sylvari. Master librarian?” She turns to me.

I walk over and kneel down to her.

“You hold some of the last knowledge from our guild, find the female seed and the three of you will be able to create a new mother tree, then the land will be able to heal. We destroyed this land but you have to save it. it's up to you now.” The hologram says.

“I promise you, we will get it done ma’am.” I reassure the hologram.

She nods and looks at Master Raim.

“We made so many mistakes before the end, I am glad before I went I got to see that we got one thing right.” she's says with a smile.

The hologram starts glitching, the damage is done now. The crystal tower begins to dim.

“We are all good stories in the end. Be a good one.” she utters, quietly.

The hologram disintegrates as the tower completely loses its light, Master Raim sits himself down. He looks at me, he looks lost. A few months ago, we were just exploring the deadlands saving the last of the old world. Now the fate of an entire species has just been dropped on his shoulders.

I sit down next to him, putting my arm around him. He leans in.

“I’m sorry, i know that-” I try to reassure him

I am not sure what to say to him, he came here trying to find some truth or some meaning to his existence. He just found out that  he was grown in a lab, his existence owed to a desperate effort due to the mistakes of his forebears.

“Its ok, glad I’m not alone today though.” He states

His eyes widen, he jumps up and twirls around. I think he just realized what he said. 

“I’m not alone!” he proclaims.

I stand up and attempt to calm him down, he looks up at me rather excitedly. 

“Calm yourself master Raim, there is a hundred foot drop and no handrails.” I state.

He has a wide smile.

“But there's another me out there Prothis, a lady me. Goodness i hope she isn't called Raim as well, that would be confusing. Oh what colour would she be? What type of leave does she have? Oh i have so many questions!” He exclaims

“We don’t know where she is, Master Raim. We don't even know where to start.” i state

I lie of course, there’s always a place to start. I just want to see his reaction.

“For my whole life I thought I was alone and I don't want her to think she is alone either. Even if we never find her, I have to at least try.” Master Raim says

He looks down to the floor, fidgeting with his hands.

“Master Raim, I have been looking after you for fifteen years. I have seen both you and your mind grow, whatever your decision is, I will support your decision.” I reassure him

He looks over the Caledon wastes, he frowns and reaches into his bag. He grabs the journal from his bag, he looks through all the pages and stops at a blank page, he grabs one of his stencils and writes ‘the start’ on the page. He looks up at me, smiling.

“I think we need to go on an adventure.” he says.

I walk over to him and grab the journal from my bag. Turning my book over to a new blank page and turning it to him. He writes the same sentence in mine and I close it. I place the journal back in my bag.

“Which way?” i ask

He looks to the west and then to east before looking directly in front of him. 

“North, north looks good.” he replies

I look over to him but he doesn't notice.

“I’m proud of you Master Raim.”  I state

He looks up to me and smiles. He nods towards the staircase and we walk over but he stops himself and looks back. He rushes over to me and wraps his arms around me, I embrace him back. He takes a few steps, looking a bit embarrassed. 

“You know, if I were human. I’d want someone like you to be my father.” he states.

“And if i was a father, i wish for someone like you to be my son.” I reply back.

He looks a bit flustered, he goes to walk to the staircase but stops once again.

“Thank you for everything…dad.” He quickly utters

Master Raim quickly walks down the stairs and this is probably the most motivated I have ever seen him.

That's good though, he has always been able to move on the better, greater  things. He has always wondered where he came from and now he knows, he can finally be himself. Finally grow up and be his own man, whoever that may be.

As teachers, our greatest victory will always be to see how our students grow beyond us.

And he has certainly moved past me, he has chosen his own path and it is time for me to follow. I am glad I can see him grow like this before I become frail. I am no longer a young man and one day, even Master Raim will need to leave me.

He will need to move on and that's ok.

But until that day, I shall help find his other half. He is no longer the last of his kind and I need to make sure he can spend the rest of his days with his own kind. For that i would go to the ends of this world to make sure he will be happy. So that he will be able to move on.

[attemptsonherlifepdf]

fantastic mr fox: humanising animals, animalising men, and an exploration of masculine identity

‘this story is too predictable.’ / ‘predictable? really? what happens in the end?’ / ‘in the end, we all die. unless you change.’

mr fox, the titular character of wes anderson’s 2009 stop-motion adaptation of roald dahl’s children’s book, is a portrait of two conflicting manifestations of masculinity. he is built to demonstrate the crossover between tradition and modernity, between wild and civilised. characterised as a charming gentleman, almost renowned for his recklessness, mr fox combines his undomesticated instincts with a carefully crafted domestic life. he appears to spend more time manufacturing a perfect home and family than he does actually participating in it. the events of the movie serve to strip away his facade and present both the audience and protagonist with a harsh reality to deal with: the juxtaposing aspects of his identity that he must contend with in order to survive his situation. these aspects are demonstrated through the use of anthropomorphic animals. in essence, the text attempts to convey the message that while you can associate your actions with animal or human traits in order to characterise and frame them, you cannot change their value and their consequences. it serves as a critique of how the nature of male identity is exploited to shunt responsibility, and the movie specifically promotes a more collectivist mentality.

there are four key scenes that mark mr fox’s journey in terms of his identity. initially, we first see his identity openly questioned once he has moved into a new home (a large and expensive tree), just prior to him revealing his ‘master plan’ to kylie, who becomes his assistant of sorts. he asks, ‘why a fox? why not a horse, or a beetle, or a bald eagle? i’m saying this more as, like, existentialism, you know? who am i? and how can a fox ever be happy without, you’ll forgive the expression, a chicken in its teeth?’ he attributes his identity with the ability to fulfil his base desires, like he could in his youth. aspects of his later life such as employment, family, and safety restrict his ability and leaves him feeling untethered from himself. the movie opens with his youthful vibrance and recklessness, and is quickly contrasted with his dissatisfaction with his job, home, and life in general.

MR FOX

i dont want to live in a hole anymore. it makes me feel poor.

MRS FOX

we are poor, but we’re happy.

MR FOX

comme ci, come ca...

does anyone actually read my column?

having been moved out of the hole and into an expensive tree, mrs fox asks her husband:

MRS FOX

do you still feel poor?

MR FOX

less so.

constructing the ideal domestic space for himself and his family does not satisfy mr fox and he yearns for more, which is where is existentialism and ‘master plan’ come into play. domesticity was never going to satisfy mr fox, as he yearns for something youthful and risky and dazzling, adjectives not usually applied to a quiet and content home life. the consequences of this dissatisfaction are drastic and almost immediate.

soon, having been forced out of his new home and underground by an attack from the farmers, mr fox is faced with a situation he cannot charm his way out of. he attempts to apologise to his son and recite a speech to raise the morale of his family, and both of these attempts are shut down by those around him. the facade of his elaborate home, his monologues, even his suits, are abruptly stripped away leaving him with only his actions which he cannot charm his way out of. the reality is that he and his family, his neighbourhood, is stuck underground with no means of food as a result of his selfish actions. this prompts yet another key scene; his argument with felicity, which begins with her viciously hissing and scratching his face.

MRS FOX

why did you lie to me?

MR FOX

because im a wild animal.

MRS FOX

you are also a husband, and a father.

MR FOX

im trying to tell you the truth about myself.

MRS FOX

i dont care about the truth about yourself. this story is too predictable.

MR FOX

predictable? really? what happens in the end?

MRS FOX

in the end, we all die. unless you change.

mrs fox’s physical attack on her husbands face serves as a display of genuine animal ferocity, making mr fox’s claim to being a ‘wild animal’ appear as a flimsy excuse for his behaviour. his chicken theft, which he was insistent upon regardless of the consequences, was motivated not by animal instincts but a selfish desire to feel a particular version of his own masculinity. disregarding the safety of his family actually seems like a natural byproduct of his master plans because he is trying to reclaim his masculinity from a time before his family existed, and in his eyes, restricted him. the very recent loss of his tail, combined with this conversation with his wife, is a harsh reality check for mr fox in terms of the dangers of his masculinity.

the audience sees the outcome of this conversation later on, in the waterfall scene. here mr fox admits to his insecurities and suggests sacrificing himself to the farmers to save the local community.

MR FOX

darling, maybe they’ll let everyone else live!

…

MR FOX

foxes traditionally like to court danger, hunt prey and outsmart predators, and that’s what im actually good at…i guess at the end of the day im just-

MRS FOX

i know. we’re wild animals.

the difference between this admission to animalism and the one from his argument with felicity is that here, both parties gain some acceptance of their animalism without using it as an excuse for their behaviour. the inclusion of others in animalism – ‘we’re’ wild animals, rather than ‘i am’ a wild animal – contributes to illustrate how wildness is not specific to masculinity. it is not femininity vs masculinity but animals vs man.

the movie also questions the nature of an animal in the final key scene known as ‘canis lupus.’ wes Anderson referred to this scene as ‘the reason im making this movie.’ throughout the movie, mr fox alludes to his ‘phobia of wolves’ and shuts down any conversation surrounding them:

MR FOX

scared? no, i have a phobia of them!...a wolf? what’s with all the wolf talk? can we give it a rest for once?

arguably, these reactions are representative of mr fox’s aversion to competitive masculinity. he shuts down any opportunity for those around him to discuss something he sees as more masculine than himself in order to feel secure in his own masculinity. critic shana mlawski argues that ‘the wolf is described as the wildest, most frightening, and yet most beautiful creature in the world. mr fox fears the wolf and yet wants to be exactly like him. we can thus say that mr fox fears pure, wild masculinity yet also yearns to own it himself.’ the scene holds an eerie familiarity to it; mr fox is recognising something that he thought would be a reflection of himself, but the wild animal is no longer familiar to him anymore. he now accepts his role as a husband and a father and no longer fights to overtly express his animalism in the same way as the wolf. the most he can offer the wolf is raising his fist in solidarity. he calls out to the wolf, ‘i have a phobia of wolves!’, which is an interesting moment to admit this in. it’s his acceptance that allows him to admit this. the scene is entirely compromised of male characters: mr fox, kristofferson, ash, kylie and the wolf. mr fox’s admission to his fear allows him to be vulnerable in front of these people he cares about, and to use this as a teaching moment for the young boys.

MR FOX

what a beautiful creature. wish him luck out there, boys.

here mr fox openly admits his admiration for someone else’s masculinity in front of others without showing signs of his own insecurity. he can admire the wolf for what he is without seeing him as competition. the scene allows the audience to see and directly compare two forms of masculinity and animalism, and to understand that there is no one true expression of either of those traits. the wolf has connotations of violence and ferocity, whereas mr fox and his suit and display of multilingualism are entirely modern, but both are masculine animals who are valid in their own right. either way, both animals rely on violence for survival at times.

kupfer frames violence in three ways: symbolically, structurally and as a narrative essential. there are various forms of violence within this narrative, namely mr fox killing chickens and squabs, and the three farmers’ attack on the animal community. symbolically, mr fox’s chicken theft is attributed to his masculinity. while it is often presented as thought-out ‘master plans’, his desire to enact this violence in the first place supposedly stems from his ‘wild animal’ instincts. he associates a time where he felt secure in his masculinity with his actions at the time (violence). structurally, we see the potential for this violence in the opening scene, where mr fox takes his wife chicken-stealing and they become trapped. he is stuck in a fox trap with his wife when he receives the news of his impending fatherhood, a relatively obvious symbol for his view of fatherhood in general. the news of his wife’s pregnancy disrupts his ability to continue stealing chickens, not just on this specific occasion but through the coming years as well. mr fox appears to view family life as an unfulfilling, less raw expression of his masculinity, and is shown to be wholly dissatisfied with his life.

the violence on the farmers’ behalf is almost always in reaction to mr fox’s violence, already giving it a structural framing. boggis, bunch and bean are referred to early on in the film as the ‘meanest, nastiest and ugliest farmers on the side of the river.’ their violence against mr fox and subsequently the local animal community is an attempt to gain back power and status. mr fox’s actions are “humiliating’ and the local news coverage of this exchange between the farmers and animals raises the stakes as now the reputation of these farmers is on the line as well as their power. violence here serves as a narrative essential because it drives mr fox into a situation that forces him to confront his issues with masculinity and splitting between his animal and human traits, giving the text/movie a fulfilling arc. violence is

introduced as inherently masculine, but is decoupled from masculinity by the ending. mrs fox also plays a small but significant role in this; at various moments in the movie she exhibits her own displays of aggression equal in intensity to the men around her, suggesting to the audience that forms of violence should be categorised as human vs animal rather than male vs female. examples of this behaviour include her clawing at her husband’s face, and a parallel between her and a male human character wherein they both connect two wires and shout ‘contact!’, causing an explosion. while this moment is brief, it highlights a distinct difference between animals being violent and men. humans’ aggression is driven by the need for power, whereas that of animals is driven by the need for survival. the man paralleled with felicity only sparked the explosion to destroy mr fox’s home and assert the dominance of the three farmers, while mrs fox used the same form of violence to enact a plan to save her nephew’s life. petey’s song even alludes to this sentiment: ‘well he stole, and he cheated, and he lied just to survive.’

mr fox’s tail becomes a symbol of power; bean wears it as a necktie, and mr fox feels emasculated by his loss.

MR FOX

one of those slovenly farmers is probably wearing my tail as a necktie right now.

…

BADGER

i cant even imagine how painful, even just emotionally, that must be for you… oh but foxy how humiliating, having your tail blown clean off by-

MR FOX

can we drop it?

the use of the tail as a necktie is a symbol of the power that mr fox and the farmers end up jostling to achieve: at first it belongs to mr fox, then to the farmers, and is eventually reclaimed once more by the fox.

MR FOX

you shot off my tail.

[through gritted teeth] i’m not leaving here without that necktie.

when he reclaims his tail towards the end of the movie, it has been torn to shreds and needs ‘dry cleaning twice a week’ to maintain itself. this can be interpreted as a symbol for his evolved definitions of masculinity and power: his masculinity is no longer defined by impressing people or stealing or killing chickens, but in the quiet satisfaction of having a family. the final scene reveals that mrs fox is pregnant again, and instead of her glowing and her husband giving an awkward grin like in the opening scene, both of the spouses ‘glow.’ the structural framing of these pregnancy reveals bookending the events of the movie allows anderson to demonstrate mr fox’s growth and change in his priorities. the domestic life appears to be enough for him, and he no longer seems to find it emasculating,

what stands out as particularly modern about mr fox is how he unconsciously separates himself from both his wildness and his suburban self in his effort to combine them. he uses his ‘wildness’ as an excuse for his violence and selfishness, but is ultimately not willing to participate in truly wild forms of violence and selfishness, such has hunting. his chicken thefts always include infiltrating a human site, like boggis, bunce and bean’s farms, and the fun of it is in outsmarting them, rather than finding those animals himself out in the wild. the local animal community essentially functions as we would expect a rural village occupied by humans to function: everyone knows everyone, there is one local school and various small and quaint homes. while the setting reflects anderson’s signature style, it is also reflective of dahl’s framing of the community in the original text.

mr fox comes across as an individual who believes himself to be above the somewhat backward mentality of his village, that he is the most civilised and dazzling and original, and he exaggerates these traits in himself out of insecurity: ‘if they arent dazzled and blown away and kind of intimidated by me, then i dont feel good about myself.’this is also reflected in his consistent ‘trademark’, his whistle-and-click combination that he uses to set himself apart from other foxes. his home is also a reflection of this:

MRS FOX

you know, foxes live in holes for a reason.

MR FOX

[grunts and tilts head in disagreement]

yes and no.

this insecurity and desire for outsider approval and individuality is inherently human, a quality of his that cannot really be associated with his animalised parts. this precarious sense of identity and self doubt separates him from his ‘wildness’ as it stands, which is only intensified by the fact that he compensates by exaggerating his human traits in order to be liked and feel worthy, as those are the traits he believes have the most value. towards the end of mr fox’s character arc, he is forced to admit that his need for external validation is flawed and unsustainable. when the façade of carefully constructed grandeur is literally washed away by bean, he is left with nothing but his actions and their implications for those around him. foxy reconciles with the relative insignificance of an identity based on other’s perceptions of you when rat dies soon after, reacting to the suggestion that he redeemed himself last minute by revealing ash’s location:

MR FOX

redemption? sure. but in the end, he’s just another dead rat in a garbage pail behind a chinese restaurant.

this moment is also used to inadvertently allow the audience to evaluate the significance of motivation and intention to the value of an action. although rat did reveal useful information to aid the group in saving Kristofferson, mr fox recognises that he only did so because he realised he could not win this fight.

MR FOX

would you have told me if i didn’t kill you first?

RAT

never.

mr fox’s own motivations throughout the movie have devalued his actions as they have mostly been self-serving. as his motivations evolve to centre around his family, he gains the perspective to understand why one’s intentions are so important. while intention does not entirely dictate how good one’s actions are, they certainly characterise the person who’s action it is. your actions have value and consequences as they are, and that cannot be changed by dressing them up or animalising them to distance yourself.

in essence, fantastic mr fox is a lesson in the value of including those around you in your mentality and worldview. it paints masculinity as something that is inherent and complex in nature, but promotes the idea that it is not stuck with its traditional connotations of violence and egoism. mr fox’s emotional development throughout the text mostly centres around his own insecurities surrounding his masculinity and how that causes him to overcompensate in ways that harm those around him. by the end he recognises that more tame and domestic forms of masculinity are just as valid, and that basing his self-worth on how ‘dazzled’ his peers are by him is immature and not constructive. his family now liberates him and allows him to be vulnerable rather than restricting how he feels he can express himself, and as a unit the animals beat the farmers in their game of power-seeking. mr fox recognises and appreciates both his human and animal traits, without using them as a means to excuse his behaviour or to feel bad about his worth.

MR FOX

i guess my point is, we’ll eat tonight, and we’ll eat together. and even in this not particularly flattering light, you are without a doubt the five and a half most wonderful wild animals ive ever met in my life. so let’s raise our boxes – to our survival.

i.k.b

[tendouluvr]

aizawa calling you clingy - gn reader

- [attempt at] angst to fluff

- warnings: being called clingy, aizawa gets annoyed with reader and berates them, one use of the word ‘shit’

- wc: 1.9k

a/n: this wasnt......as sad as i wanted... i cant tell if im just not so good at writing angst or immune to it T_T

once again, not edited!

#! aizawa!!!! eee

#! hes a levelheaded man so arguments are rare

#! u both trust one another so theres no reason to have doubts in ur relationship

#! being his s/o, he tells u things thats not so easy to tell others over time, and you’re patient enough to let him take however much time he needs to let u in

#! however, years of keeping to himself most of the time doesnt just disappear even if you’re his s/o

#! so aizawa does have this tendency to close off and distance himself from u bc of his stress and insecurities

walking through the spacious halls of ua, you were headed towards your lovely boyfriend. aizawas been pretty busy lately with teaching his class, making sure no one is being left behind progress wise, doing his job as a pro-hero, and then spending his free time training with shinsou.

you knew showing up at school unexpectedly was something aizawa found irky, that’s why you made sure to tell him the night before that you would be coming during lunch time to bring him some yummy homemade food.

humming softly to yourself, you finally reached the door opening to class 1-A and walked in. the classroom was empty, but there at the front was no one other than mr. aizawa shouta. you quickly greeted him with a smile and he turned to look at you.

“what are you doing here?” he slowly asked with a look of confusion.

“i brought you some food! did you eat yet? i hope not, i made-,” you quickly stopped talking once you noticed the look he was giving you.

“why are you here? i already told you, you shouldnt be showing up without letting me know first. our relationship is quiet, if the students see they’ll get noisy and ask questions, i’ll get bombarded by my colleagues, and it’ll put you in danger if words get out. did anyone see you coming here? can you listen to me for once instead of continuing to always be near me? you’re so damn clingy and need to start thinking about the consequences your action will bring. i already ate, just go home before anything happens.”

your jaw dropped a little after hearing what he just said to you. did he not remember what you told him last night?

worst of all, you couldnt believe he just called you clingy. you just wanted to do something nice for him by making his favorite food hoping that it’ll relieve some of the stress thats been building up, but he just thought of you as clingy.

fine, if clingy is what you are then you’ll stop bothering him. you quickly whispered an apology, not sure if he could hear or not, and began making your way back home as fast as possible. the food you made for him was still tightly grasped in your hand.

due to the new dormitories, aizawa stays at ua majority of the time. he comes home to your shared apartment whenever he can to spend time with you. unfortunately, those time aren’t usually much because as soon as he’s free, he’s quick to do something else.

once you’ve made it home, you packed the food away and put it in the fridge. you felt your phone buzzing repeatedly, already guessing who it could possibly be, you took it out to see it was your boyfriend.

shou <3: im sorry

shou <3: honey, im so sorry. pls text me back when u can

shou <3: i know what i said hurted u, but i promise u i dont mean it. pls just call me or text me so we can talk about this

shou <3: i have to go back now. but i love u. so much.

staring at your screen, you contemplated texting him back.

letting out a sigh, you decided not to.

putting your phone to the side, you walked to the bedroom and changed out of your clothes into the comfy pjs you were wearing right before you left.

seeing that there was nothing for you to do other than wallow in your insecurities and let out a few tears, you got into bed and made yourself comfortable for an afternoon nap.

aizawa on the other hand was at school and distracted. his own words kept replaying over and over in his head and all he wants to do is smack himself a few times (after comforting u ofc).

his students could tell he was in a badder mood than usual so they collectively agreed to not worsen it (one particular student does not care. can u guess?). aizawa just wanted the day to pass so he can apologize to you directly and make it up with some cuddling.

despite being distracted with planning his apology and thinking about you, he was still teaching as he should and constantly telling his students to be quiet because he’s intimidating like that.

a few hours passed, the students are back in their dorms and some of the teachers are still in school finishing up some work. the hallways were empty and silent, and the weather outside was nice and calm - not too sunny with just the right amount of wind.

however, if you were to peek your head inside of class 1-A at the moment, the environment is an exact 180. aizawa is quickly trying to grade the remaining stack of papers he has on his desk so he can leave as soon as he can. there’s papers everywhere, he’s not so sure where the answer key went off to but to hell with the answer key. he just needs to go home.

his hair is messily tied up and his lips have probably been gnawed off by now. as soon as school ended, he got out his phone to see if you replied and sadly you didn’t. he doesn’t blame you though, considering all of the shit he said to you earlier. 

finally writing down the fat score in red pen onto the final paper, he gathers everything and put to the side of his desk and packed up his stuff. his stuff being his yellow sleeping bag and that’s it.

he went to his room first to clean himself up a bit, and then grabbed a taxi to go to your shared apartment. arriving at the front door, he takes out his copy of the key and entered.

first thing he noticed while entering and taking off his shoes was that the apartment was dark and quiet. he made his way to the kitchen first and turned on its lights to check the fridge. in the fridge laid the food you made for him earlier today. he took it out to start heating it up in the microwave then he walks away from the food and to your bedroom.

quietly opening the door, he poked his head in to see you laying on your side with your back facing the door. he assumed you were asleep and gently closed the door to not wake you up. he made his way over to the bed and sat on the edge of it. 

you, feeling the bed dip, slowly opened your eyes to be greeted with the sight of your boyfriend gingerly brushing his fingertips across your cheekbones. he notices that you’re awake and looks up to meet your eyes.

making eye contact with him, you quietly grunted and brought the blanket up to cover your face while turning your entire body to the other side to ignore him. aizawa sighed and brought his hand down to rest on your waist as he begins talking.

“yn... i know you’re.. mad at me for the things i said to you earlier, but i’m truly sorry. i know saying i didn’t mean it isn’t good enough for you to forgive me, but i want you to know i’m really really sorry. i’ve been so busy for the past few days, my head is all over the place, seeing you at school just got me overthinking and worried that i ended up saying things about you that’s not true at all. i love you so much, hun. you’re the best thing to happen to me. you don’t have to forgive me now, i understand if you want some space.”

it was silent for some time after he finished his apology. the echoing silence was slowly making aizawa worried that you’ll leave him, but he won’t tell you that. thinking that you wanted space, he lifted his shaky hand off of your waist and moved to get off of the bed when you suddenly grabbed onto his hand to keep him there.

“i...i told you the day before that i was going to be visiting you during lunch time. did you not remember? or even hear me tell you?”

aizawa situated himself back down onto the bed before replying. “if i’m being honest, i don’t really remember much of that day at all. my brain was occupied with work and rest, so i was practically drained by the end of the night. i’m sorry i took it out on you, it’s my fault for overworking when i know you’ve been trying to help.”

letting out a soft sigh, you turned your body back towards him. still holding onto his hand, you carefully slotted your fingers in between his and pulled him down to lay with you. he immediately found comfort in this and placed his head into your neck. you could feel his facial hair against your skin making you let out a quiet giggle.

“i love you. i know you have a habit to overwork since that’s all you did before we dated, but please shou, take care of yourself. im not talking physically, cuz you’re already so damn fine, but mentally. i hate seeing you bury yourself in work and training that it even makes me tired just watching you.”

he grumbled something against your neck - his usual reaction to you complimenting him - and held onto you tighter while putting light kisses on your collarbone.

“i know. i will. please bear with me, i know i’m a pain but i’ll always try to be my best for you. i’m never letting you go, love you too much for that.”

“hmm? who said i’m going? you’re stuck with me forever just so you know,” you laughed and patted his head before rising from the bed.

“i heard you heating up the food earlier. get up and come eat,” you tugged aizawa to get him off the bed.

he grumbled once again because he was being forced to leave the warm comfort of your shared bed, but followed you out anyway holding onto your hand.

“wait. you heard me entering? so you were pretending to sleep when i got here?! not funny, babe. not funny. -also don’t take sleep for granted. i did and look where that got me. stop laughing!”

bonus:

it was the next day and aizawa just finished passing out the grades he rushed grading yesterday. even though it was rushed, he was confident that there wasn’t any mistakes-

“aizawa sensei, you marked this question wrong when it’s right. this one too. and this other one on the last page. are you trying to fail me?!” denki dramatically wailed as he showed aizawa his papers.

guess he did make mistakes after all.

[yengyangyo]

berry | k.s.w

pairings: kim sunwoo x female reader

genre: college au, friends to lovers

summary: you are in denial that you have a crush on your own friend, kim sunwoo until he made you confess your feelings.

word count: 1.9k

note: i wrote this on sunwoo's birthday. its quite late to post it cs i kept on postponing it sksksk but yea this was inspired by sunwoo's berry. enjoy reading! xo

-

you had sunwoo on your mind for days that you are lacking of sleep. it doesnt sit quite right for you to have this 'romantic' feelings for your bestfriend. meanwhile, sunwoo is not helping you to clear up your mind at all. he's just always there beside you no matter what.

he'd wait at the bus stop just to go to class together with you in the morning even when you're running late. lunch time together is a must unless one of you had other plans. both of you are just stuck together anywhere you go.

so for once, you thought it'd be a good plan to avoid him today. you woke up early that morning to get to class and you texted sunwoo that you had a discussion with your groupmates. this went on for a few days, you were making excuses everyday but sunwoo believed you.

until he couldnt take it anymore.

you felt your phone vibrating in your pocket and you saw sunwoo on the caller id. you were hesitating to pick it up until you felt someone grabbing your wrist from the back, turning you around.

"found ya!"

sunwoo appeared in front of you with the brightest smile. you couldn't help but to feel happy and welcomed by him that you started smiling unknowingly. you get back to your senses seconds later and avoided his eyes.

sunwoo knew something was wrong when he saw your expression fell. he glanced at your phone that kept ringing. he ended the call and your phone went off too.

"why arent you answering my calls? are you still busy?"

you couldnt stand seeing sunwoo looking all gloomy and upset. you felt bad for ignoring him so you tried making up excuses again.

"oh yea i was about to pick it up. sorry,"

sunwoo pouted and wrapped his arm around your shoulders. he's using his favourite perfume again today, you noticed. that scent happened to be your fav of him too. you felt weak and wanting to crawl into a hole or something.

"im craving chicken today. how about chicken and beer for dinner tonight?"

sunwoo turned his head at you, waiting for an answer. you looked up at him and his face was only inches away from you. you looked away, flustered. he had always been this way but only now you noticed how you felt about him which made it more awkward to be this close to him.

"i dont know, sunwoo. i'll have to check with my groupmates," you said, pretending to check your phone for your nonexistent messages.

"its friday come on. i havent hang out with you for days already," sunwoo whined and that made you laugh.

"alright but i get to choose where to eat,"

-

you chose the chicken restaurant near your neighbourhood where you both are regular customers there. the place was crowded with youngsters like the both of you, drunken with beer and chicken.

you were also getting tipsy from drinking. the first 30 minutes of the dinner went normal. asking how each other had been doing with the college life.

sunwoo sighed and rested his chin on his right palm. his eyes falters on you, searching for something. you looked away, feeling a bit burdened and transparent, because sunwoo knew you werent acting yourself these days.

"hey," he called you but you didnt answer and still avoiding the eye contact.

"hey look at me,"

you were startled at the warmth on both of your cheeks. sunwoo was cupping your cheeks to make you look at him straight in the eyes. you didnt know if this warmth was from his hand or from you blushing.

"what's wrong?" he asked. now his hand moved to yours, holding it tight. "you're avoiding me these days. do you think i didnt notice?"

silence fell between you two, just staring at each other. the guilt creeping up inside you and you didn't know where to start.

its the smallest gesture from him that create butterflies in your stomach.

that one time he opened the water bottle for you when he saw you struggling and saying that you're such a baby. his laughter filled the room when you frowned at the remark. you know how much he loves annoying you and in the end he always made you laugh too.

on rainy days, he'd always share the umbrella with you and keeping you close to him so you wouldnt get drenched. sometimes he'd gently rub your arm so you wouldn't get too cold.

sometimes he'd call you names like how boyfriend and girlfriend do, jokingly. though, you somewhat enjoyed it and played along. pretending to cringe but actually was flattered by him.

at this moment, your hand in his, eyes boring into each other, you just want to scream at him how much you love him.

you smiled in defeat and pulled back your hand.

"there were just so many thoughts going on my mind lately, sunwoo. im so sorry,"

he didn't question you any further and he nodded his head.

"whatever it is youre thinking, i just want you to know i'm always here for you,"

you smiled, this time sincerely at him.

"you always are sunwoo. i appreciate that,"

he smirked, "after all, i am the best that you got,"

you rolled your eyes and gave him your disgusted face.

"so are you gonna tell me what's bugging you?"

"i think i like someone. he's just always running round in my mind these days,"

you didnt know where the courage came from to blurt out that out of your mouth. sunwoo who was halfway shoving a piece of chicken in his mouth, stopped. he put it down and looked at you, doubting himself if he heard that right.

"i couldnt stop thinking about him. that pretty much explains that i like him right? or is it just my mind playing games with me?"

you swore you saw his face fell for a second but he went back to the usual sunwoo after that.

"does he know about your feelings?"

you shrugged, "nah. im still trying to find out what i really feel about him. should i tell him?"

sunwoo didnt say anything and chugged down his beer until its empty.

"yea why not," he answered simply. "he must be really lucky to have you,"

you laughed, "i havent done anything yet. there's a possibility that he'd reject me too anyway,"

its funny how you talk about this like its some stranger to sunwoo when you are talking about him. you felt light hearted a bit after letting that out.

"who'd reject you?" sunwoo said while playing with that piece of chicken, not looking at you anymore. "you're pretty and fun,"

you raised an eyebrow, wondering if you heard that right. he was still poking the chicken with his fork, eyes hazy and lips pouting.

"so you're not gonna tell me who is this guy you have a crush on?"

"you'll find out soon,"

-

sunwoo offered to walk you home though you kindly told him he didn't have to. he insisted and now you are walking beside him. he was suddenly quiet after the conversation you had with him.

"is that why you're avoiding me? because you have a crush on this guy?"

he asked, hands in his pockets, eyes looking forward. you looked at him, feeling a bit weirded out by his cold tone.

"no... okay maybe? i dont know. i just needed some time to myself,"

sunwoo fell quiet again for the rest of the walk home. when you reached the front gate of your house, you looked back at sunwoo. he looked like he was upset. you walked up to him and pat his side.

"hey thanks for walking me home. i'll tell you everything when i'm ready okay?"

sunwoo didnt say anything and you turned around to get out of that awkward moment.

"no i'll tell you everything right now okay? hear me out,"

you stopped in your tracks and facing him in confusion. he was pacing around, his hands are restless in his pockets.

"before you confess to him i guess i have to make a move on you first," sunwoo said, this time he raised his voice. "this is why people are saying we should always tell what we feel before we regret it and i dont want to regret it but i think im too late,"

you are worried at him. he looked like he was about to break down right in front of you. you wanted to comfort him but you didnt get what he's trying to say.

"sunwoo, i dont understand. what is it?"

sunwoo stopped pacing around and stopped directly in front of you. you swore you saw his eyes tearing up and you wanted to cry too. you thought, the alcohol has made both of you emotional.

"i like you,"

you both felt like the world is weighing down. it was as if the time has stopped for you two. you were staring at each other in disbelief.

"i know you like someone else and i shouldve told you sooner. i kept on putting back my feelings behind," sunwoo halted, gasping for air. "im too late now but i have to tell you this,"

"sunwoo-"

"i dont care who he is. but i want you to know that you deserve of love. you kept on telling yourself you dont deserve anyone. you know how badly i want to tell you that im here? i want to love you," sunwoo was practically shouting at this point. he sighed, "shit im already am in love with you,"

at those words, your tears came streaming down like crazy. you've never seen him cry but tonight he looked beautiful even when he's crying. you lurched forward and wrapped your arms around him. he buried his face in your neck and you felt his warm tears on your skin.

"im sorry. i just wanted to let that out after keeping it for so long. this is the worst timing huh?" he murmured under his breath.

you shook your head and laughed. you let go of the hug first and cupped his face in your hands. teary eyes staring at each other.

"sunwoo its you,"

"what?"

"i love you too,"

you closed the distance between the two of you, kissing him for the first time. that caught him off guard but then smiled in the kiss. it was sloppy but sunwoo is for sure leading you well at this. you both craved for this for a long time already. you were still crying of relief and touched by his confession.

"you should've told me before i start crying like an idiot," sunwoo looked down at you, smiling with his swollen eyes.

you laughed at him and you snuggled more into his embrace not wanting to let go too soon. you realized how much you miss him after those dreading days of ignoring him. he rested his chin on your head while gently patting you.

"im sorry ive been ignoring and denying my feelings for you,"

"its okay. thank god we actually like each other though," you both laughed at the same time and you havent felt this happy and giddy before.

"so i can actually call you my baby now?" sunwoo asked smirking at you playfully, knowing how much you hated it before.

"that's still cringy but sure, babe,"

[cornfarm]

waves against the rocks

saiki kusuo x reader

word count: 2.0k

synopsis: you show saiki your powers. he’s unbearibly jealous, yet for the first time, he feels seen and understood by another person.

cws: mention of the reader having a bad family

genre: melancholic fluff

reader is gender neutral!

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notes:

greetings... i promise i’m working on cease and desist part 2 but i keep starting one shots;; I ALSO DECIDED TO CHANGE MY TEXT FORMAT... i yoinked all the capital letters away... it feels a bit more liberating

whenever i make my crazy op self insert oc, i always think about how i can make them a foil/double to the characters i like. for example my gintama s/i is also a traumatized war veteran. i thought like... wouldn’t it be fun to write the reader character as a direct foil AND double to saiki? they have everything he doesn’t, but he has a lot that they dont and it’s like,., mutual jealousy.

i also wanted to write saiki properly empathizing with someone. aiura and toritsuka are so fun because they both have different moral compasses with their powers and how they’d like to use them. however despite the fact theyre all psychics, saiki can’t really empathize with either of them.

i wanted to have saiki be excited about something, and feel truly seen. empathy is a very powerful thing.

i hope the “ability” i chose isn’t too cringe;;;

i can’t help but feel like i write saiki ooc so feedback would be super appreciated!

===================================================

perception. the way people are seen by others, the mental images and sour thoughts rooted in nothing but misconception. the falsafied persona of greatness, beauty, and kindness. perception.

you kept saiki afterschool. tugging at his sleeve, you quietly asked “i need to show you something, stay here for a few extra minutes?”. he refused you at first, but you stayed firm, “i need you to stay.” fierce. he decided to stay.

but you stood before saiki, right? were you there? he suddenly felt a bit weary, head pounding at the thought of you. your name, voice, scent, failing to find matches in his library of records. when he thought of you, his brain flickered through the faces and names of everyone else he knew.

you were a gap, a void, a sudden unconjurable memory. it was horrifying. but he quickly accepted it. the body circling behind of him was none of his concern, because there was nobody there. he supposes he should go home now. why was he standing alone in the classroom anyways?

firm hands land on his shoulders, warm, present. he remembers why he’s here.

“it’s not that i’m invisible, it’s just that your brain can’t recognize me, and refuses to acknolwedge me as a thing that exists.”

like a wave crashing against a rocky shore, the void is filled. your voice, your scent, your name, all slotted back into place in his mental library. he recognizes the hands on your shoulders as yours. 

a hand snakes around and pushes up his glasses, covering his eyes.

“it’s not about visibility, it’s perception. you are unable to percieve me as a living thing, or of anything of importance. that’s why you can’t read my thoughts, and that’s why you’re so quick to give up trying to recall me.”

he’s practically trembling- you have one power. it was simple, but it managed to find a loophole around practically all of his.

“that’s terrifying.”

“right?”

you take your hands away and step in front of him. he adjusts his glasses properly.

“were you born with it?”

you nod, “it caused me trouble when i was a kid. i almost got left at an airport,” you chuckle.

“does anyone else know?”

“i’ve tried to tell my parents but they don’t believe me. they called me a liar and delusional, so i decided to stop trying with them. nobody else knows, i’ve never told any of my past friends either. when i found out about your powers, i thought maybe someone would finally understand. that’s the only reason i wanted to tell you.”

your lip quivers, “you believe me, right?”

truth be told, saiki’s stunned. he wasn’t expecting someone like you to have such an abrasive ability. despite how reclusive and fittingly unnoticeable it is, it was certainly powerful.

he’s jealous. you were able to freely aquire something he wanted- privacy, but he does believe you, afterall he just watched you waltz around him, outside of his keen field of view. 

“yeah, i do.”

you smile, bright and wide- you’re nearly trembling. was being believed that big of a deal to you?

you take a step forward and embrace him, wrapping your arms around his torso as your head presses against his chest. he goes a bit stiff, and glances at the door. “hey, someone might walk in-”

“it’s fine.” you look up at him, meeting his eyes, and oh. your eyes are glimmering, shining greater than he’s ever seen them, “they won’t.”

burying your face back into him, he tenataively wraps his arms around your back. you continue, voice muffled, “’m sorry, you’re the first person who’s accepted me. i’m happy.”

the emotional explanation for your actions ease him a bit, “it’s fine.” he states back.

you finally pull away, and for a brief moment as you lose connection, you flicker out of his view, but you come back in again, placing your hand on his.

“actually, i can touch you while using my power without you being affected by them, but i’m manually using it on you right now.”

“if you touch someone while making sure they still can’t see you, what does that make them experience?” his voice is clear, a bit fierce in tone. you always had trouble reading saiki, but you could tell that this was interest. perhaps he was threatened, but he was certainly intrigued.

“they might whirl around and look who’s touching them and account it to a person around them, but if not, they might think they’re having sensory hallucinations. i can also talk to people, but because my voice doesn’t have any weight to it, it’s almost like a hypnotic suggestion.”

“so you can brainwash people?”

“not necessarily,” you let go of his hand, you must have released your power, your eyes are dark, “if i suggest something to someone and it’s something mild, they’re more likely to do it because it already falls into their line of thinking. if i suggest something bold, they might do it thinking it’s an impulsive thought.”

“most people won’t do extreme things, they’ll read those as intrusive thoughts. but sometimes people think my voice is the voice of god, or a passed on relative, and will do intense things regardless of their judgement. others have poor impulse control, and some are just batshit crazy.”

you sheepishly scratch your head, “but i don’t really like having that much control over people. i don’t want to use my powers to hurt anyone.”

“do you want to use them to help people?”

you pause. it seems you’ve thought about this quite a bit.

“well my powers can’t help people. they give me the ability to help people, but they can’t help people directly. i think it’s a matter of it i’m strong enough to help people.”

“are you?”

“would you hate me if i said no? of course i lend a hand to my friends when they need it, but i don’t think i’m strong enough to really make a difference. i want to live peacefully.”

you look down at your hands, “i wish i wasn’t born with it.”

saiki felt unnervingly softhearted. he struggled empathizing with his peers, but his heart pounded in solemn familiarity. “i don’t hate you for that, i’m the same. having the powers i do means i have the responsibility of keeping the world in peace. people would be jealous of me for the self-fulfilling purposes i could use my powers for, but i don’t want to use my powers to hurt people. i don’t want to help anyone either. i just want to be left alone.”

guilt. guilt was a disease, just like jealousy is. it eats at you from the inside, and creeps up at times least expected. it left both of you hollow and empty.

“i wish i didn’t have powers,” he continues, “i don’t think i’ve ever properly experienced life in the way i’m supposed to, like everyone else has. i’m envious of you, you’ve had a bit more normalcy than me.”

“i suppose we’re equally unhappy, then,” you smile at him. he had been staring out the window, but he turns to looks at you. you’re leaning on the door of the classroom, tilting your head, you ask him a silent “walk home with me?”. 

“i mean,” you begin, “i’ve missed out on a lot. i’ve always had trouble making friends- my powers made it difficult for people to remain interested in me. i’ve gotten pretty good at controlling them, pk academy has been really good to me, but it doesn’t heal the damage it’s caused me.”

your teeth gnaw at your lower lip, “your family is so supportive of you, they love you so much, it makes me angry. i wish i could say the same about mine.”

it wasn’t too empty in the school, but your footsteps were loud and clear, both you and saiki walking in sync. saiki didn’t really know what to say, so he stayed silent. 

sighing, you continue, “i don’t want to be alone, but it’s too easy to be reclusive when that’s where you’ve always been. if you live a life of isolation, making friends is scary and draining,” a grim smile forms on your face, as if you’re trying to comfort yourself.

but saiki does have to admit that the two of you have much more in common than he initially thought. he quietly thinks to himself, perhaps he could use your abilities.

“y/n,” he begins, eyes meeting yours, “will you do me a favor?”

“yeah, what is it?”

he doesn’t like being indebted to people, but he wants to test your limits. you don’t give him the chance to ask, “you want me to use my powers while we walk out together, don’t you.”

his mouth falls a bit open, lips parting, “how did you know?”.

you laugh, “you’re not the only one who can read minds,” and reach out to wrap a hand around his forearm. he raises a brow at you, seemingly amused by your comment. he expected you to take his hand again, but your firm grip on his arm was admitedly unexpected.

he felt his heart skip a beat.

“well? are you doing it?”

“yup, you won’t feel any different though.”

walking down the steps together, people passed the two of you, strangers, familiar faces, teachers. nobody noticed.

the two of you passed toritsuka at the steps, but he paid no mind. “you know,” saiki started, “when i use my invisibility power, that guy can still see me.” 

“can he?” you murmur, your voice a bit low. 

“if it’s easier, you can just think what you’d like to say to me, we can talk that way.”

you squint your eyes in concentration, “like this?” you think to yourself. 

“yeah.”

you smile. you continue to hold onto his arm as he changes his shoes. 

“that must be frustrating, that he can still see you.”

he nods. he supposes if toritsuka can’t see you, then aiura probably can’t track you- and him, down either. 

“hold onto my arm while i change mine.”

without breaking contact, he gently wraps his fingers around your wrist. you hastily change your shoes, and slide your hand a bit up, taking his in yours.

“is it neccesary to hold hands?” he asks. his expression was nearly deadpanned, but the slight crease in his brows communicated just enough. he felt sheepish, a bit lost.

“no, but it’s nice.” 

teruhashi stands idly at the exit, waiting, doing her best to gently shake off the boys that surrounded her.

“she’s looking for me.”

“is she? do you want to talk to her?”

“no.”

you pause. 

“is she the reason you asked me to do this for you?”

he nods.

you turn and head towards the gate, but not before waving a hand in front of her face. you take a deep breath, before exclaiming a loud “teruhashi!”. she whirls around, trying to find the source of the voice, looking rather bewildered.

letting out a hearty laugh, you grin up at him. a slight huff of air escapes his upturned lips.

the two of you slip past the front gate.

“but you owe me something in return, i don’t give out my labor for free!”

he sighs, “what would you like?”

“wait, really? i was joking, you don’t have to do anything for me!” you double down on your demands.

“you say that, but i know you’re secretly hoping i’ll treat you.”

“shit, i forgot you can read my mind. that’s so invasive.” you pout, “not fair!”

“it’s fine, i don’t like being indebted to people, and you did do me a favor like i asked, so i’ll take you somewhere.”

you look a bit nervous, “really? you’re sure?”

“just accept the offer before i revoke it.”

you twirl in a circle, letting go of his hand and hopping a few steps ahead of him. “you’re buying me a nice coffee then!” 

he lunges out to take it again.

“sure.”

and once more in sync, both of your hearts skip a beat.