#i hope she has a wonderful night
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Ya know what? Quick story time.
I've been stressed at my new job (it's the anxiety I'm afflicted with more than anything) and I don't have much of a backbone and setting boundaries in person. I'm a doormat. This leads to not leaving om time or asking to leave on time... and staying an hour and a half past once and three hours past another time.
So my shift today was supposed to end at 3, and someone else was arriving at 3. Sounds fine cause she showed up! But! It was just her and suddenly like 4 cars arrived for pick up... and as I'm in the online pick up department.... I'm not just gonna leave the person who walked through the door ten seconds prior with all that to run out to cars. That's just mean.
So one car in particular I'm taking the order to was a very nice lady who helped me put the order in the car and I was like "ok that's not quite all of it! I have more I couldn't fit om here but I'll be right back" and so I rush back in and out and she helps again. I commented on one of her packs of soda, the 7up Shirley Temple edition, and how I Really wanted to try it. She doesn't hesitate and goes "if I give you a can, that's OK right? Like I paid for it so you can have one so you can test it! That way you know whether you'd want a 12 pack of your own".
At this point I'm 30 minutes past my out time and I'm just stunned. She just gives me a can of soda and says "oh the back area must be cold, the can feels chilled enough to drink without a fridge" and im just. Thanking her and she acts like it's no big deal but it was such a genuinely happy response to share something with me.
And it really made me feel better??
This woman's gut instinct to someone commenting on a drink flavor is to hand them a can and say "now you'll know if you like it!"
By the way, yeah, it was /really good/ actually.
#moe talks a lot#not art#to delete later fosho#just thinking about how nice an interaction it was#while im drowning in work anxiety theres still some good spots#thanks n good night#i hope she has a wonderful night#also its gonna spund rly bad but my last job#built my endurance up so i might not be the fastest worker but#bro i can work a long time with no break or with no sit down#so when its busy at this job im like ok i can stick it out#and ive been told thanks its appreciated#but also told i dont have to stay but the i dont have to stay comes after ive stayed#like kinda irrelevant now but ok noted#this will not in fact change the future where someone is going to be overwhelmed#and i opt to stay and help bc i can#its like if my anxiety is minor at the moment it suddenly stops existing#bc helping someone else is more important in my brain#than the anxiety... ya know?
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omg the sweetest teenage girl just stopped me in the grocery store and said “you’re really pretty!” 🥹🥹🥹
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"Suddenly the world was gray and dull and my heart was so heavy I felt like I couldn’t move, let alone make it back to Treasure Town. But because of Echo’s last wish… I was able to keep living.”
--- --- --- --- ---
SORA : (Partner)
Abilities: Justified / Inner Focus
Nature: Gentle / Hardy
Moveset: Aura Sphere / Metal Claw / Poison Jab / Dragon Pulse
#It's my baby girl!! My sweetiepie!! Sora the light of my life my bestest girlie#Her own character sheet to go along with Echo's since I had so much fun making that one and obvs Sora needed to be given as much love too#Sora learned Poison Jab as a riolu back when she was mistrustful towards Grovyle and wanted to thrash him around#nowadays she feels bad about knowing the move when her intentions for learning it were to get an upper hand against him in battle#but she also refuses to unlearn it and keeps it as a reminder that sometimes your own expectations about others are wrong in the end#plus the idea of someone as sweet as Sora knowing a poison-type move just makes me go crazy. did you expect a fairy type move or something?#Cause no. She'll literally stab you to death with literal poison because she can if you upset her or Echo.#And to anyone wondering about the large scar on her tail... yes it is literally a hand-print courtesy of Dusknoir#insert the universally traumatic “YOU TWO ARE COMING WITH ME” classic Dusknoir villain-arc moment#(he then proceeds to grab Sora by the tail and drag her into the dimensional portal but she struggles and he loses patience)#(so he unleashes a point blank will-o-wisp that causes so much pain she is too busy recoiling and screaming to make an escape)#Hey Dusknoir it was kinda f'ed up to permanently scar a kid like that ngl not your best decision I hope it doesn't haunt you forever#Echo still hates him for it and I'm not sure she'll ever let that particular event go even after they reconcile#also I gave Sora the ability Justified because of the implications that her partner is a dark-type and she also has darkrai-related trauma#the idea of her attack stat raising if Echo accidentally hits her with a move??? like Sora is so scared her stats literally go haywire#that's my idea of angst and it keeps me awake at night#sora/lucario#Team Wish my beloved...#pmd ocs#pmd eos#pmd2#explorers of sky#my art#click for better quality tumblr compressed it like garbage D:
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one day I’m actually going to grab everything I went through last year and pour it into a raritwi breakup fic where they don’t get back together and I don’t do my usual thing where I hint there’s hope for them
And I think that will probably be a very emotional and good fic but also it’ll probably be incredibly crushing more than anything Ive ever done so honestly maybe we should all be grateful I haven’t written it yet
#I’ve been listening to JP Saxe’s ‘A Little Bit Yours’#and i can feel it clawing at me#‘all i do is get over you and I’m so bad at it’#‘maybe if I’d said the right things it never would have gone this way’#‘but maybe that’s the problem cause I still kinda think it was up to me’#‘when I never could have made you stay’#rarity moves away from ponyville because everything is twilight#and she sees twilight just lock it out block it out put it away in a box and move on#and rarity can’t#and she tries#and tries#and a thousand miles away#in the dark of the night#the silence staring her down#she has to live with the idea that twilight got over her like that#that twilight probably already let go long long ago#and yet rarity is there knowing still she’d kill if twilight asked her to#and there’s no victory in that#no poetry or muse#no beauty#it’s just sad and pathetic and a masochism and so self centered#to cling to the hope that twilight still loves her or needs her when she knows it’s not true and it never will be#and the element of generosity wonders when her core got twisted#when generosity and caring and giving became erasing yourself for some pony else#and maybe one day it’ll stop#maybe one day she’ll be fine#but for now#she quietly makes peace with a simple fact#that even if twilight sparkle isn’t hers anymore and never will be again#at least for now rarity is still a little bit twilight’s
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what do you fucking mean that's how charlie dies. THAT'S HOW CHARLIE DIES??? i mean i know the show has a penchant for killing off every character who's not a winchester brother or an angel of thursday but good god. what the fuck. charlie was such a good and enjoyable recurring character, and she had such a fandom impact that i've seen, and she's only around for THREE SEASONS?? (sidebar: it's amazing she has the presence she does for only being around for a couple episodes in the long run!) but: was this necessary? and she just dies offscreen after her skills are utilized to progress the plot of decoding the book of the damned?? oh my god. what in the actual fuck. i'm finding myself getting genuinely very upset at her death. she did not fucking deserve that. and i can absolutely see why the fan response to her death is what it is now. completely fucking unjustified and throwaway and useless.
#theo.txt#spn#charlie#spn spoilers#spn 10x21#almost none of the women who've gotten fridged on this show have deserved it but still#good god this one made me especially angry#why do you use this character for a plot point and then ship her off somewhere. to oz or to the afterlife. so often?#she was such a cool character with a good story that i enjoyed and related to and THIS is what they did with her?? and from my perusing she#doesn't even really come back like bobby occasionally does?? and his death. while devastating to me as somebody who really liked him. still#felt WAY better than this#sorry i ended that episode with my jaw on the fucking FLOOR oh my god. /neg#what did she have to die for? where is that post about female characters dying so male characters can feel sad but it's a gifset of all the#bullshit ass deaths of women on supernatural#i love the show fucking obviously but jesus h christ.#but also you know what. having the context that i have. still a fucked up thing to say but i see why dean says That to sam now during#charlie's funeral. it IS an interesting look into how they respond to the other one violating their wishes/freedoms and into their larger#dynamic actually! but thats not what this post is really about#wow. i am actually livid. poor fucking charlie.#if she was like a sister to the winchesters how about you bring her back huh? how about you revive her? jesus christ#i wonder what her heaven is like. i hope its dnd and movie night with the girls#i took a little break mid-typing this to see if i was just being insane and angry but no the super wiki has a whole section about the fan#outrage at charlie's death and the discussions it furthered about the show's misogynistic tendencies#and you know what? good!#ok anyway. im going to go browse charlie art and feel abnormal now.#supernatural#charlie bradbury
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The weight of the world is a heavy burden
Especially for a child
(Or, in slightly less dramatic terms – I imagine that the first of her past lives that Avatar Suiren [who is the Avatar after Aang instead of Korra in my AU, and also Ghazan and Ming-Hua’s daughter] gets to talk to is Yangchen, because she is too plagued by memories not her own [including Jetsun’s death, fun fact]. And Yangchen wouldn’t want another child to go through what she did on their own)
(Or maybe someone just needed an excuse to draw @katkastrofa’s latest obsession in a context that interests them as well, just in time to maybe cheer her up a little? You can’t prove anything)
#my art#artists on tumblr#the legend of korra#Avatar Suiren AU#Kat and Nia and their multiverse of madness#yangchen#original character#sotrl suiren#if you’re wondering what the context is. Suiren is around 8 or 9 here. already having revealed herself as the Avatar to her parents#and it has been Hard. because as much as they try to maintain a sense of normalcy for her. it’s clear that things have changed#they never accounted for their daughter turning out to be the Avatar. they hoped Aang dying on the night she was born to be a coincidence#all of their plans now have to be rethought and put on hold because her safety is more important than anything else#she is never blamed for anything. she is still just as loved. yet there’s now a heaviness in their gazes whenever they look at her#the Avatar as a concept should not exist. it is too much power and responsibility for one being who is ultimately human#that’s what Suiren was taught. so what do those teachings mean if she’s the Avatar?#basically.. a whole lot of cognitive dissonance and she hasn’t even been alive for a decade yet#and all her life her head was filled by strange memories and dreams. fragments of lives not her own. sometimes nightmares#and usually her mama would comfort her through it but tonight… she just wants to be alone#so she wanders off. not too far. but enough that she wouldn’t be heard. and just softly cries#because it’s too much. because she doesn’t want to be the Avatar. why her? why not anyone else?#and as she whispers that she wishes she wasn’t the Avatar. her mind is assaulted by memories of previous Avatars saying the same thing#it really is a never ending cycle of too much burden being placed on a single person. but that realisation is anything but comforting#she begs for it to stop because that grief of life over life spent pushing a boulder uphill is just Too Much#and before she knows it. it ceases. only to be replaced by a blue glow visible even through closed eyelids#and a feather light touch of hands on her face. it doesn’t feel exactly like human hands by virtue of belonging to a spirit#that helps her relax a little. reminding her of mama’s touch. she looks at the person who appeared before her. her mind supplies the name#‘Avatar Yangchen?’. she whispers. but the woman is nowhere near as stoic and peaceful as she’s shown to be in every depiction of her#she looks.. sad. concerned. as burdened by grief as Suiren herself is. she’s not just a legendary figure from a time long gone#not yet another past life Suiren would never measure up to. she’s… human. capable of human emotion. just like Suiren is#I’m not sure how their conversation goes and have no inspiration to come up with anything. but I just wanted to draw them interacting
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Lynnie Green was and still is a fan of Bea- she refers to herself as an 'acolyte' in an interview I listened to. She was a fan even before getting on the show, she followed Bea's theater career closely. She's also talked about how (I can't remember which appearance) at the end of filming Bea said she was going for a drink (I think they shared a dressing room) and how she regrets that Bea was obviously offering to take her out on the town and she was so, like, in awe that she fumbled it and she regrets it to this day because she wanted to cross that bridge from acolyte to confidant and thinks they could've been great friends. She's also said Bea kept in touch with her after filming and would always greet her warmly when they ran into each other or offer her tickets to some shows a few times over the years. OH and she's a lesbian, happily married to her wife (just found this out at the last Golden Con). she rocks, basically.
Anon, oh my god. The amount of incredible information you have given me.
First of all -- Lynnie referring to herself as an acolyte of Bea is incredible. Honestly wish I'd been able to follow Bea's career as closely as Lynnie did, if only for the chance to call myself her acolyte.
The story about Bea inviting her out for a drink and her fumbling the invitation is so relatable, oh my god. Can you imagine, getting to work with someone you admire so much? No -- getting to impersonate her?? And then she invites you out for a drink??? I would have died on the spot. Holy shit. Absolutely incredible. I'm so sorry for her that she didn't get to become Bea's friend but honestly I completely get her panic!
And Bea -- I know by now that she was a complete sweetheart, but this information just melts my heart!!! She kept in touch with her? She was warm to her and sent her tickets to her shows??? Oh ;-; what a sweet lovely person she was!!! I'm forever mad I didn't get the chance to see her in person! What a blessing upon this world!!
And on top of all this, on the first day of pride month, you come and tell me Lynnie is a happily married lesbian?? Anon you have made me so happy. So so so happy. Thank you so much!!! You're absolutely right, she rocks!
#a victory for lesbians everywhere!!! this pride month has begun so well my heart is full <3#no wonder young!dorothy has such lesbian energy!! (i say as if dorothy normally doesn't lmao) absolutely amazing news!!!#so happy for her and her wife <3 many happy wishes for them!!!#@hecatesbroom did mention she was a fan of bea! no wonder she knew her style and mannerisms so well!#that dressing room story is so relatable to me lmao i get her so much the poor darling#like. the mere *idea* of getting to have a drink with bea arthur... oh my god..........#i've been meaning to ask the community what golden cons are exactly but im pretty sure they're held in the us#so they're a bit inaccessible to me atm#i bet they're a lot of fun!!#anon THANK YOU so much for sending this ask. you made my night!!!#and once again: everybody say THANK YOU lynnie greene!!!!#i hope she knows we all find her incredible talented showstopping beautiful legendary a true gift and (now) also a wonderful person#(you know. sometimes i wonder what bea betty and rue would have thought of our little fandom space here#i've seen them talk of their gay fans with appreciation but i've never seen them talk about their *lesbian* fans#i like to think they would have been flattered to have such devoted fans!)#the golden girls#ask
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YALL I JUST CAME OUT FOR THE FIRST TIME EVER IRL TO MY BEST FRIEND
#lgbtq#byler#> target audience#It was over text which was a stupid idea and I panicked at first because wait this is awful I still feel awful#but then I cried and she cried and we trauma bonded and proceeded to smoothly segwayed into a conversation about dancing bees#i feel so happy rn#i hope everyone has a wonderful day/morning/afternoon/evening/night time
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i think i finally realized why ive been feeling so damn depressed lately again
sorry for writing this here. im really hurting actually. im not good. i feel a bit helpless too. idk who to talk to bc i dont want to burden anyons and i donf feel like anything could console me right now
Like. fuck me man. thanks for saving me but. why the hell are you not here. i dont want to do this without you. i hate only being able to remember you. i was supposed to grow old with you, not without you.
And. honestly. even with all this bullshit i say here, all the endless times i spend trying to write down my feelings, abt you, about all the pain ive felt my life, it doesnt get better. not at all. and no words, no poetry takes it away and i truly feel like nobody will ever truly understand how suffocated i felt all my life.
and i want to change thanks to you but. i dont know. nothing's satisfying enough.
no matter what, i truly only feel great when im in that daydream like world you created.
and these past days ive been thinking a lot that. i really wouldnt mind dying right now. not at all. because at least i know what happiness feels like. and i want to stay in that state. probably, even in this life your music will bring me happiness, but i want to be trapped in it.
im tired of being so unseen, and even when im seen, im hurting. but i dont know whats hurting. i think im just really tired thats all.
and. ye. i feel brave tbh. i still havent posted my video to instagram, bc im not brave for that. i dont know. and i feel like a hypocrite bc everything is true that i wrote there but at the same time these are my thoughts currently
in a long while i looked up suicide methods again. i feel so hopeful, but im not really sure if really for the future. jm sorry this is probably alarming. i will probably not kill myself but. idk. im not sure actually. i dknt know what to say. i wasnt cut out for this wordly shit.i feel unlovable but even if im loved, i donf want to be. i dont want anything. just let me stsy in this quiet place snd just. disappear. i wouldnt want my family to hurt if i die but i wont know about it anyways. idk man. i feel strongly i could die calmly this time and thats nice. bc 6 years ago i was terrified, and hurt. but now im content and kind of ready idk man. its not a terrible feeling, its a "this is it, it was nice while it lasted" ig.
there are no clouds in my head actually. i truly dont feel like im thinking irrationally, i feel like this would just be like. the end goal i was looking for. to feel true love once. it was nice.
no goodbye yet bc idk how id kms even if i do. But ill tell u guys if i found something.
#you know it's funny#i still feel this way but the moment i wrote this#on tiktok one of my friends that was there for most of my times followed my secret tiktok account and#the friend that i lost last year checked my account and#i hope she fucking knows how much that means to me#because i always felt like she hstes me but i still deeply feel she cares abf me and silently looks out for me and i feel so sorry#bc in the past 4 days she has checked my account multiple times and idk man#i truly feel like she sees that im struggling i appreciate it a lot#but i could never tell her that because what if im wrong and also#i dont fit in that friendship anymore#but im still really greatful#for checking up on me even like this#*most of my life#noticed a typo#idk anyways i just really needed to scream this into the void. I didn't want to be so sad today. i just scrolled instagram to numb myself#all day. but i got off my phone it was terrible. idk. i feel im not sure i can get my shit together by monday#im sick of having to fall apart and build myself up every fucking day man. and each day i literally wake up telling myself affirmations#trying to convince myself that its oka#it will be okay at least when u are home at night. wait for that moment everyday but. im tired of waiting for night to be happy man.#i have 30 mins to either post that fuckin video and make a fool of myself bc i told myself i need to post it on the 19th. but idk man. Im#terrified it will only disappoint me. people will make fun of me. idk man. its not that funny is it. or is it? how pathetic i am for clingi#g to the only hope in my life like a fucking abandoned dog man. but what can i do. i dont want to depend on you so much. but then who shoul#i depend on? if i depend on myself im just gonna kill myself man.idk. my grief is getting worse day by day. i still practice guitar everyda#hoping that maybe you will come back or something will come back. maybe mywill to live will come back? maybe the Instrument will play a not#that I can depend on? i dont really know what im looking for thats the worst. living is uncomfortable and dark. even when im smiling with m#friends i feel lost.there's something i feel like they know and i dont. when they could name their favorite colors in kindergarten i alread#knew something was different abt me.its really isolating.not having a clue of who am i.i keep saying im finding myself more and more but tb#i still in a way like im always wearing a costume. i wonder how naked id have to be to find myself. sorry for word vomitting.it maybe helps#anyways acchan i miss you.this world feels really stale without you.i wish I could truly show how much I love you with my words or life but#i dont really think it makes a difference.my voice really doesnt matter that much in the end.maybe im too much
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Cosplaying as..... myself!
#LMAO im wearing my sona outfit to work today as a little treat :3#my body is Not used to getting up at 6 regularly asdffg i havent done this since high school 😭#i went to sleep at 9 like a little old lady last night asdffggh#so yeah i know its only thursday but its my treat for the week!!!#i designed the outfit because i had all the pieces but ive never worn it all together#plus i have my lanyard with my lab badge to complete it now!#(< dont let her lie to you she has 0 lab qualifications or access)#(ill be in the writing room this whole contract but ive visited a few before and i can dream 😂)#my queue will probably run out today but ill try and refill some tonight#i promise im not ignoring people!! every time i write out replies i sound half asleep rip#hope everyone has a wonderful day <3#rose rambles
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i have zero interest in the dad's speech. i just want a better look at chef mhon in this outfit
#last twilight the series#like is it sheer? presumably just the drapey bit but i need to KNOW#also idk what the marriage blessings are usually like but why the fuck is she talking about porjai's bad experience with men?#porjai and night have presumably been together three years at this point?? i know it's to hammer home the second chances thing but WOW#the vibes are just so weird#also FUCK as an orphan myself my heart fucking breaks for mhok tearing up as he watches porjai get a new mom when he has FUCKING NOBODY#maybe singha is like family now or at least i fucking hope he is#though ramon was like i have enough sons and nodded toward day AND mhok i wonder if she meant both of them#man i wish we'd seen her finding out about night's single mom girlfriend. what a conversation that must have been
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My graduate thesis - after (somehow) successfully defending it last week to my committee team - just got officially accepted by my school. Time to become a blanket burrito and (try to) sleep forever out of relief that it's finally finished.
#Satari rambles#Hi there and howdy#I have occasionally poked in on here to talk about the whole graduate school thing#I'm just so glad it's done now#One of my committee members had to observe my teacher last night for class and he announced I had successfully defended it last week#And I don't know#Just seeing him and the other members and then my classmates proud#Got a little emotional#Even if it still feels surreal to have written as much as I did and even if I have some conflicting feelings about the end result#Since I did a creative fictional thesis#But I really am happy it's done and I'm almost done with school#(Granted I'm scared for what comes after especially with finding work right now among other things but that's for later)#But yeah#This has been the usual Satari is a dork who rambles in the tag night (even though it's only the afternoon right now)#Please tip your service staff#Have a wonderful timezone everyone#Also my committee head bought me some books to celebrate and oh my gosh I love that woman#She's so dang kind and it was really touching#People are so wonderful sometimes#I hope I can give some of that wonder back even if as a fraction
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no more heating issues w my lizard please
#ive had bad insomnia lately and decided to check her temps bc i was bored and awake at 3 am and her hot side is too cold 😭#i thought id accounted for this by making her hot spot honestly hotter than ideal (but not dangerous)#bc it was reading at 80 f on her tiled hot spot 3-4 hours after lights out (when I go to bed)#and she also has a heating pad on the back of her viv to boost her warm side to about 78-83 at night which isnt belly heat but its something#but uhhh 🧍her tile cold as fuck by 3 am. no wonder shes always on her cool side at night. its prolly more comfy to walk on than the tile 😭#i feel SAURE bad#anyways. slate is ordered. time for tank overhall 78. hope it helps her be warmer and lets me drop her day temp to a more ideal one
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out of the four ripples on the page
only these two are worthy of the spotlight by that the other two a actual shit
also long eared ripple supremacy
dropping to my knees in sadness, but remembered my queen and the sad stopped
but during the process two of my good outline pens fucking died, so the sad kinda won this time :(
#queen ripple#ripple star queen#kirby art#kirby fanart#your honor she has big ears so please be a little more quiet as she is very sensitive to loud sounds#i have this comic idea for ripple that i REALLY REALLY LIKE#wonder if i will ever even start it#due dates stress me the fuck out#and im not even half way#well this might stay in the sketchbook if im not going through with it#anyways this is my cope art ladies and gentlemen neither both or inbetween#i was legit going insane#time was going to fast for my liking#having moments of realizing im actually alive was kinda funky#its cold but ive learned to deal with it#i like the cold#okay enough with me rambling :)#hope you have a good day and you drink water and bundle up good at night#or dont if its hot where you live#apricot soda art
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how has your 2023 been and how do you feel about 2024? Happy New Year 💙 xx
Happy New Year!!! Ugh 2023 was a dreaaaam and it makes me really excited for 2024! I got a job I looove and my team is so cool and also treats me with so much respect even though I’m their rookie 😂 and then at the end of this year I was FINALLY able to buy a mf HOUSE which has been my dream for years/all through college and so in 2024 I’m excited to fully move in and live there! And also I work remote so I’m really excited to work from my own place, right now I’m kinda confined to my office bc my family is loud and chaotic. I can’t wait to like work from the couch on my laptop on a slow day, ya know? Also I managed to avoid seasonal depression this year, I don’t know if that’s from not working a stressful job anymore where I’m in fight/flight 9 hours a day or if it’s because I’ve been taking my dog for a walk on my lunch breaks so I see some daylight.
#but seasonal depression still has time so stay alert soldiers 🫡#also I am mildly scared of having to learn to be alone at the new house!!#it’s my gfs house too but she works not remote#and I’ve spent my entire life with siblings/someone to talk to a room away#so I’m kind of worried for that but it’s also an essential life skill I need to learn lmao#asks#I hope your day and night is wonderful!!!!!
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#i am not doing well girlies#disclaimers that i am fine i'm always fine i will always be fine but hooo boy i do not feel fine lol#everything is always overwhelming i am always sad everything feels itchy#every single morning for weeks ive woken up with an anxiety bellyache and no matter how tired i am still i just have to get up#everyone i look up that i used to know is like. married and having babies or working their dream jobs and i just. im happy for them. i am#but where do i belong in all of this?#i know everything feels worse lately bc we're moving house and the routine changes and empty rooms feel Bad#plus my mom has not been doing well mentally which i feed off so it's just. you know#but will i ever Not feel like im so far behind? will i ever Not be deeply unsettled by even the mildest changes?#everything is so slow and so fast at the same time and it makes my head spin and we have a new friend who has a son my age and i was hoping#idk. that he'd be somewhat similar to me? falling behind a little bit too? maybe i could make a friend irl that understood a little?#but then i casually ask about him and oh no ofc he has a partner and family of his own etc etc#right. that's what i'm supposed to be doing at this age.ha#so many ppl i went to school with are married now. im turning the age this year that my mother was when she HAD me#meanwhile ive never even kissed anyone never even held a boy's hand never had any attention like that ever and#i wonder so often what it's like to be wanted by someone but ive never felt more undesirable#i cant imagine anyone looking at me and Wanting me. and at this point as romance obsessed as i am idk if i could even handle it#and the other night i was having anxiety dreams over the fact that i rly want kids but even waiting until im 30 thats only 5 years??#and 30 is already fucking five years away from being considered a GERIATRIC pregnancy?? but im not even done being a kid myself!!!!#and also who the fuck is gonna have a kid with me?? and who knows if i can even get pregnant when i rarely have a period ??#and i cant imagine not liiving with my mom and sister but does that mean i'll live with them forever??#will i be 30 35 40 45 still feeling like a kid? or worse.. will i not feel like myself at all?#will i be married to someone i dont love madly simply bc im so terrified to be alone?#or will i hold so tightly to my stories and fantasies that i will be alone bc nothing could ever live up to them?#will it even matter what i want? will anyone ever want me to even give me the option? or will this all stay hypothetical forever#im just. stressed. and i thought i'd be more by now.
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