#i hope he gets the worst case of cancer ever

[evanoid]

Political Rant

US Elections

TW:Trump,Talk of violence and Su*cide,mention of abortion and SA

I'm so enraged about the outcome, it's hard to put into words.

I'm not even living in the USA mind you.

I had so much hope,Kamala Harris seemed so promising.I know that she has flaws in her views and politics as well but anything would've been better than a convicted Felon.Hell, even a damn rock would've been a better choice.Harris is so ridiculously qualified,and i bet she only lost because she simply is not a white man.

And now,all I see from the men that support trump are comments like: "your body,my choice" or "lefties are so emotional,womp womp" or "you'll live" and so on.

It's so infuriating,I want to smash their heads in with a hammer until all of them are unrecognisable and choke on their blood.

1."your body,my choice" comments that seem to flood comment sections are evil and shows how much men truly hate women,how much they hate their mothers,daughters and sisters.

2."the left is so emotional" is just like throwing rocks in a glass house.When the left loses,they don't go out of their way and violently respond like the MAGA cult did last time,they stormed the capitol building and trump also said this election,that if he'd lost it would "end in a blood bath". How can someone not think that these horrible excuses of human beings are any less than utterly out of their minds? Demons on earth Tbh.

3."you'll live"

No.Many won't.You know what you voted for.And the simple truth is that people of the LGBTQ,people of colour,women and other minorities will get scrapped of the few rights they have left.Police violence will go up,violence against queer people and people of colour will get worse.The hysteria stirred up against trans people will get worse.Women and girls will literally die for not having proper access to abortions.

And before someone says "they should keep their legs closed".SHUT UP.SHUT THE FUCK UP.you stupid idiot bfr.

Pregnancy takes two,R*pe exists whether you deny it or not.

People will either kill themselves or get killed and when it hits someone close to you, and you did vote for trump,then I have no empathy left for you.You deserve everything that is coming for you,I hope everything you voted for happens to YOU personally.I hope you suffer.

Trump isn't a Christian,he isn't a man with good values.Anyone who thinks this Rap*st is anything but a narcissistic,selfish,spineless,godless Bastard is delusional or just as bad.

Your god won't forgive you.No one will,you're on the wrong side of history and I,again, genuinely hope it bites you back.

[astrobiscuits]

Astro observations part 7

🦚Every Virgo Sun ik has started a business at some point

🦚Most Gemini Suns i've met have got brown eyes

🦚Venus trine Uranus individuals are the type to change their fashion aesthetic every day and still pull every style off

🦚Cancer Moon individuals are the type to collect family memorabilia. If you ever go visit their house, they probably have displayed lots of vintage photos, porcelain dolls, books from their parents/grandparents etc. If not, then they probably still have their fav plushie since they were like 5 (cute)

🦚Ik people say Moon square Moon is one of the worst placements in synastry and i agree, but it's not how you might imagine. In my case it was always more of a "i'm ignoring you because ik we're not compatible" thing than constant fights

🦚Venus in 10th house and Capricorn Venus conjunct Rising peeps have the best smile you've ever seen, mostly due to wearing braces or getting different dental procedures (but it can be natural too! i wish i was you). They might also be featured in toothpaste ads or on the cover of dental clinic ads

🦚I noticed that all boys who have got Sun in 1st house have an absent father. Not like permanently absent from their lives, but more like seeing their dad 3-4 times a year

🦚This is more of a theory of mine, but I’ve noticed that a lot of siblings have their rising signs degree in the same element. For example, I’m an Aries Rising at Capricorn degree (10), while my brother is also an Aries Rising, but at Virgo Degree (6)

I’ve noticed this pattern repeating itself in the members of the British Royal family too. Prince William has got a Sag Rising at Gemini Degree (27), while Prince Harry’s (ik he’s not really part of the royal family anymore, but for the sake of the example hear me out) Virgo Rising is at Aquarius Degree (11). Both Prince George and Prince Louis have got their Rising signs at Gemini Degree (27) [guess who got it from their dad]

I hope you enjoyed today's post!

Stay safe, don't forget to drink water and hide from the heat!

See you soon! ૮ • ﻌ - ა ˖⁺‧₊˚ ♡ ˚₊‧⁺˖

[doberbutts]

Do you or your friends see a difference in household or play behaviors in a dog after mondior or IGP kind of training? My breeder is concerned that once you flip the biting switch you can't really take it back, but obviously there's a whole lot of wonderful protection sport dogs out there who aren't biting random people. I figured I'd ask someone who has had dogs both bitework trained and not bitework trained for comparison. Personally I think it is a beautiful sport and the dogs seem to love it the way I love, say, stage combat or LARP.

Hope you and the beasties are having a good day

Well. No, in the way you're probably thinking. But also yes.

Truthfully I have only taken 2 dogs through any amount of protection sport and both I would still be considered very green in. Fenris is no where near trial ready, after all, partially because I'm deliberately taking it slow and partially because I am very poor and unwilling to throw a large amount of money at seminars or training that I feel may be subpar for what we need- I would rather pay these amounts for training that I can verify is the quality he deserves than chance it on someone fucking up what we've built thus far.

It is my belief that your breeder's concern is valid, and it is something that I warn people about myself especially when dealing with off breeds or with dogs of temperaments not well suited to the work. You are, regardless of what anyone tells you, teaching your dog that biting humans is a perfectly acceptable and even expected behavior depending on the circumstance and behavior pattern. Do understand that this means your dog will see similar contexts and at some point have to make a judgement call. Not every dog makes the right judgement call for the situation.

I'm thinking of a friend whose husband was dying of cancer, and he fell in their house, and as she rushed to help him the dog tried to attack her to protect his owner. This is an extreme case of "worst case scenario"- but ask yourself if that is a scenario you can handle with the levelheadedness she did in order to prevent anyone from being bit. This particular case was a matter of both genetics and training, however the dog in question was not an off breed and in fact was bred with protection in mind.

I'm thinking of a different friend who had border collies show up at club. One day the owner of the border collies was walking through an aisle at a pet store with their dogs, and a man in a puffy winter coat approached to ask them a question. One of the border collies latched onto the man's bicep exactly like how it was trained to, and the other performed a near perfect bark and hold. This person voiced regret of ever having opened that door, and now they have two dogs with recorded bite histories. It is my personal opinion that this is a case of two dogs with temperaments poorly suited to the work more than anything else, however that does not change the undesired outcome.

That being said, I can pet most of the dogs at club without any real concern, though I still keep my hands to myself unless the owners actively tell me to pet and play with their dogs. The few I can't also aren't off breeds, for what it's worth, but in fact are malinois which the sport was more or less designed around. I also don't think the training caused the inability for these specific dogs to socialize with trainers- I think that is a genetic temperament question, and all the training did was give them an outlet for their inherent aggression.

Fenris is a hideously social and friendly doberman. He is best friends with every human at the club and frequently licks the decoys right in the face as he wiggles and jumps on them before they agitate him. He just spent two hours hanging out at the car repair shop yesterday while I was getting my new tires put on. Anyone who stopped to pet him got wiggles and licks and puppy behavior. Anyone who didn't was ignored. While he is a mite too friendly to me, I have not seen any real change to this friendliness or his willingness to accept friendly and neutral strangers despite the decoys telling me that he is really becoming quite a monster in training.

He's also very suspicious, and fairly possessive. I have seen that increase, however at his age it's sort of difficult to determine if that was always going to increase or if the training had anything to do with that. Personally I think it is a mix of both- he was a suspicious and possessive little asshole from the start and now he is learning that there is a time and place for that to really come out of him, so he is more inclined to showing this behavior as he ages through his teenage phase and matures in his training.

For example: we started defense of handler last month, an exercise where the dog heels closely beside the owner and turns its body to watch the decoy waiting for an aggressive move towards the owner. Fenris now watches closely when we are approached by strangers at night while on walks, not acting but simply waiting to see what they might do. This behavior may have come out of him anyway, because even when he was a young puppy he would occasionally give the stink eye to anyone who rushed us (usually panhandlers asking for money in parking lots, but also the occasional person looking for trouble and an easy mark). He barked at a homeless guy who lunged at us on the sidewalk* when we walked past 6 months ago- well before defense of handler. He may have always been inclined to be wary of fast, jerky movements towards us.

That is what a doberman is for. They were never meant to accept suspicious or potentially aggressive strangers, and these sorts of situations are exactly what many dogs would consider suspicious and aggressive behavior. Homeless Guy I think was just high or having some mental episode and not actively dangerous to passersby, but lunging at someone from the shadows is a really stupid way to get bit (if they have a dog) or punched/shot/stabbed (if they don't but think they need to defend themselves). The panhandlers that literally run up to us from across the parking lot- same thing, if someone spots you at a distance and starts running towards you with intent, many times this is going to get read as aggressive behavior. Again, not actually harmful, they're just begging for money. However, how is my dog supposed to know that when the behavior says "I am going to hurt you" to a dog?

For example: we started object guard, where he stands over an object and stops the decoy from snatching it out from under him by biting. Coincidentally, he's also started low rumbling at the other dogs when they're near stuff he likes, and he lays directly on top of these objects and hides them under his legs/body. While I do think the training definitely intensified this behavior, he's always been a bit punky with his stuff and not been keen on sharing. I manage it so we don't have a dog fight, and I have a bunch of dogs that are allergic to conflict anyway so it's a pretty easy situation to work with. All four of my dobermans including the one that had never been in any bitework scenario ever have been somewhat guardy when it comes to high value resources (in fact the only one that never did any bitework also is the only one that started a dog fight over a guarded object (ME, I was the guarded object)), so it is also very possible that this would have developed in him regardless of training.

Funny enough, however, I will also say that Fenris specifically has become exponentially more velcro and cuddly immediately after every protection session. It does something magnificent to the bond between us, and his affection is through the roof when we get back to our bedroom after a long day on the club field.

Creed, my other dog who I took through this type of training, I felt was actually more confident afterwards. He had a lot of reactivity as a teenager and getting him to a club more often seemed to have a significant amount of positive impact on this behavior. I have seen other dogs experience the same. Probably something similar to how my nephew had a lot of PTSD and anxiety immediately after a horrific domestic abuse situation he and his mom had to flee from, and the thing that helped him resolve that was getting him started in martial arts classes. If nothing else, you learn to trust that you can handle it if a situation that makes you feel powerless comes for you a second time, I suppose. I'd be interested to know if that's connected to some behaviors I see from dudes who are obsessed with weapons and fighting, but that's another post in and of itself.

However I was fairly reluctant to move forward with this training with Phoebe, my soft scared girlie, because she had a panic response of "pick a direction and run very fast don't look back" and I was nervous that taking her to protection training would bleed into her panic attacks and instead of running she would hit the end of the leash, realize the flight was not an option, and start biting. And I was not particularly interested in chancing that, because regardless of how scared she was she would choose flight and freeze over fight every time and this made he very safe to be around. My first doberman was a very anxious rescue who was taught that biting is an option when running isn't working, and I ended up having to behaviorally euthanize him because his previous home fucked him up so bad. I want to be clear that this was a result of bad training and worse temperament, but knowing Phoebe's temperament I was unsure if I wanted to chance it with her.

I never did take her to club before her weird GI/liver thing that ultimately killed her, but she ended up loving tug and her confidence did soar once she learned the game. And it did bleed into other areas as well- she was much happier and more confident when out in public even though we only played tug in my living room. If her health hadn't crashed like that, I would have been taking her to mondio with Fenris the first week I had him to see if she liked it and if there was anything in here to play with.

So. A long winded answer to say that yes I have seen the training change behaviors off the field, but probably not in the way you're expecting to hear.

[do-it-for-the-fandom]

Saturday September 8th, 2012.

"You called it," Castle sighed as he climbed into his side of the bed. "A million questions."

"I think it was a million and one, actually."

They laughed, despite the total lack of anything amusing.

Alexis had taken the news exactly as expected. Tears had filled her eyes for only a second before she blinked them away and began a rapid fire of questions.

What type of cancer? What stage? What is the plan of attack?

Are the doctors nice? Do they explain everything properly or do they ramble on with a million medical terms you don't fully understand? Are they the tops of their respective fields?

How are you feeling? Are you getting any counselling? Can Detective Beckett handle this?

That last question had taken all three adults by surprise.

Can Detective Beckett handle this?

It - along with several of the other questions the girl had spit out in such a short amount of time - had gone unanswered. But unlike the other unanswered questions, this one seemed to linger in the air like a foul smell. It's presence made everyone uncomfortable, but there was no getting rid of it now.

Can Detective Beckett handle this?

Truthfully, she wasn't entirely convinced that she could. Already, she was grappling with this sense of losing all control. Castle was sick - really sick - and it was only going to get worse before it got better. The doctors had given him a thorough rundown of what to expect and it seemed grim. Nausea, pain, weakness. Not to mention the mental toll this was all going to take. And all she could do was sit by and watch as he fought this battle.

There was a heaviness in her chest that seemed to double in weight with each day that passed. Because, despite everyone's optimism, there was a very real chance that the treatment wouldn't work.

"Worst case scenario: we keep you comfortable," Dr Abebe said solemnly.

Castle had promised her it wouldn't come to that but they both knew that was out of his control. And she hated that. She hated that they were both helpless to change the outcome. All they could do was wait and hope for the best.

She closed her eyes and slowly exhaled, let her body melt into the pillows behind her.

"You know-"

She opened her eyes and turned to look at Castle. He was studying her, concern flaring in his eyes.

"You know she didn't mean it in a bad way, right?"

"I don't see how else it could have been interpreted," she responded. She wasn't mad at Alexis: it was a fair concern. "She didn't ask if Martha could handle it."

"She doesn't think that you're-" He hesitated, trying to find the right words. "Weak."

"I know what she thinks, Castle."

Castle sighed and placed his hand on Beckett's thigh. "This isn't exactly what you signed up for."

"Stop." She knew exactly where he was going with this conversation; she'd been expecting it since their discussions with Dr. Abebe on Thursday.

After the age of forty, the chances of recovering fertility significantly decreases.

She had kept her attention on the fact sheet in her hands but there was an ever-present awareness of Castle's eyes on her. His gaze burned her skin, hotter than the sun. They were yet to discuss the possibility of starting a family together. They thought they had all the time in the world. But now, in less than 40 hours, yet another decision could be taken away from them.

"We have to talk about it, Kate."

She closed her eyes and shook her head.

Why?

Why did they have to talk about it?

Why did this have to be happening at all?

"I understand," he said softly, his voice barely a whisper. "I know that you've never really been the kind of girl who dreams of their future children but-" He swallowed, tried to rid his voice of the emotion that threatened to overwhelm him. "One day you might decide-"

Beckett silenced him with a kiss. Soft, sweet, sad.

"I love you," she whispered. "In sickness and in health, right?"

Castle shook his head, but smiled. "That's marriage," he corrected.

"No," she argued. "That's us. The good and the bad, we do it together. Always."

Can Detective Beckett handle this?

Honestly, she wasn't sure. But she sure as hell would try.

"Always."

[dailydemonspotlight]

Night Stalker - Day 119

Race: Foul

Alignment: Dark-Chaos

October 3rd, 2024

While much of the SMT series makes demons based on figures from mythology- gods, biblical demons, or even cryptids- one thing they sometimes dabble in is a bit more... controversial. Or, well, it would be, if not for the fact that, like Tony4You said, the people depicted deserved to be called demons. Yes, sometimes SMT makes demons based on real world people, and while I've already covered one- Jack the Ripper, to directly say- something far more explicit and unexpected is today's Demon of the Day, and a man who was truly among the worst of the worst- Richard Ramirez, the Night Stalker. As a serial killer who was responsible for the deaths of possibly more than 13 people, sometimes the scariest beings we can think of are our fellow man, so let's delve into this spotlight.

Ricardo Leyva Muñoz Ramirez, born Febuary 16th, 1960, was one of the most infamous serial killers to ever strike America in the mid-eighties, getting the nickname the 'Night Stalker' after a spree of 14 murders that ranged from 1984 to 1985. He was responsible for not just those deaths, however, as he was also convicted and responsible for just as many counts of burglary and sexual assault. Born as the fifth child of an immigrant family to the Americas living in Texas, Ramirez's early life was anything but normal- he purportedly sustained several head injuries from an abusive and alcoholic father, and, unable to look up to his father, Richard found an even worse influence in the form of his older cousin, Mike, who was a green beret in the army.

Now, the less aware of this case in our audience might think that a military man was a good influence, but no, he was NOT. Mike, during his missions in Vietnam, had taken several photographs of women that he had raped, tortured, and/or dismembered, saving them all on Polaroids that he then exposed to his younger cousin. During Richard's time spent alongside his cousin, he became well acquainted with Mike's 'exploits' in Vietnam, and as time went on and Mike was arrested and eventually died, Richard also became incredibly interested in Satanism and the occult coinciding with a growing addiction to various drugs.

Then, the killings began. Richard Ramirez was responsible for several break-ins as he got older, killing several people during these break-ins possibly out of that same obsession with Satanism. His obsession with it was to the point that, when attacking his victims, he'd force them to say 'swear to Satan,' in fact, and he even said 'Hail Satan' when pleading not guilty. As he went around Los Angeles and made his spree known, he became known as the 'break-in killer,' and, eventually, the Night Stalker. I'm not going to go into detail about his victims here, as while they do deserve respect that Richard doesn't, I don't want to go over how they were killed out of respect for their families. I'll give a list, instead, of the people who were killed and who they were in life. The victims of a killer don't deserve to be reduced only to being victims, after all.

Jennie Gerber Vincow, 79

Dayle Okazaki, 34

Tsai Lian “Veronica” Yu, 30

Vincent and Maxine Zazzara, 64 and 44

William Makoto Doi, 65

Mabel Bell, 84

Mary Louise Camou Cannon, 75

Joyce Lucille Brown Nelson, 60

Lela and Maxson Kneiding, 66 and 68

Chainarong Khovananth, 32

Elyas Abowath, 35

I think it's important to recognize that the victims of serial killers were still people, and we should be giving more attention to the victims and only using the stories of the killers as explanations and studies of what can lead to someone doing such a horrible thing. I hope all of these people rest in peace. Really, nothing scares me more than someone who will see all these beautiful and happy people and take their lives away without a second thought. Richard Ramirez was scum, and is absolutely deserving of being called a demon. Thankfully, he ended up dying in 2013 due to complications with cancer, and while his blood-soaked legacy still affects the families of those he killed, I hope they're recovering well from the horrible things he did.

Rest in peace, Jennie, Dayle, Tsai Lian, Vincent, Maxine, William, Mabel, Mary, Joyce, Lela, Maxson, Chainarong, and Elyas, as well as the other unconfirmed victims he had. You all deserved much better lives.

[lavendermoonlitskies]

Life updates that nobody asked for <3

Hi. So my life has been kind of hectic lately and it has been really hard finding comfort in anything, but I think I might slowly be coming out of that stage. I posted a little while ago that my dad might have cancer for the second time in his life and I was kind of falling apart at the thought of it, and now it has been confirmed that it is, in fact, cancer.

The good news is it’s localized, which means that in its current state, it’s a small tumor and it hasn’t spread, so all hope has not been lost, which is what I think I was really afraid of. Someone told me that the hardest part is waiting for test results and not having any idea what the future looks like, and I think that’s true because even though it was bad news, we are not experiencing the worst case scenario at this point. That could be set to change, but I would drive myself insane if I keep thinking about it like that, so I’ll try not to. He has a treatment plan, and that’s gonna go on for another couple months before they reassess and figure out where to go from there. I still have hope that it will go away, and I think it’s really important for me to hang onto that for my own sanity.

With everything going on, with all the crippling anxiety that goes along with it, I still have the urge to create. I’m not the best writer, I’m sure my work at this point is littered with mistakes and it’s clear to any professional that I am most certainly not, well, a professional. I know my writing hasn’t reached that much of an audience and I am so okay with that, but it brings me joy. I’ve always had little stories floating around in my head and this last year has been the first time in a while I’ve actually sat down and put it to paper (or perhaps more accurately to a google doc that’s never going to be printed on actual paper).

I know that the gap between the time I posted the first chapter of The Road Less Traveled (GO fic) and whenever I’m going to finally update it again keeps getting larger, but it crossed my mind again today and I remembered all my plans for it, and even though things in my real life look bleak right now, I almost felt excited for just a moment. It’s going to be slow, but I want to keep this story going, so I’m just going to have to be patient with myself.

In addition to that, I’ve been reading a lot of original novels lately and I feel inspired. I’ve never written anything that even comes close to a full-length novel, but I have this concept and I think it’s a good one. I’ve created characters, plotted stuff out, and even written a scene or two, so I guess I’ll just have to see where it goes. I think that this has kind of always been something I’ve wanted to do in the back of my mind, and with where I am in life right now maybe it’s as good a time as ever to try something new just because. I’ve let depression and anxiety consume me before, so even though this is a very real and very scary situation that could go in a lot of different directions, I don’t think I want to let myself do that this time.

November is coming up (sort of), and I know that that’s a really important month for writers, so I’m sort of getting myself ready for that. People are organizing NaNoWriMo alternatives, so I might jump in on one of those (side note: fuck the NaNoWriMo people for claiming that denouncing the use of AI in creative spaces is “ableist.” As a disabled person, that is a deeply insulting misuse of a word that is meant to shed light on the real issues disabled people face every day). I am an amateur, I don’t know what I’m doing at all, but maybe there’s something beautiful in someone who doesn’t have any “credentials” as a writer/artist/etc. just creating something because they want to.

[moonlightpeddler]

I want to apologise first. This might be longer or rambling. Maybe both.

My mam is stable, I just talked to her attending doctor, there are still a lot of tests that needs doing but they have a general idea. It's nothing that's endangering her life right now.

I've visited her on Sunday, I wasn't sure if I should even go because I was doing badly, mentally, and physically, but didn't want to worry her.

I'll be completely honest; I'm running on sheer willpower alone. I can feel my body and mind breaking down.

I've said before that I'm ill myself, physically and mentally, both severely. That I'm alive is a miracle that I've always been thankful for, it has been a narrow escape several times.

My life has been nothing but an unfortunate tragedy. I'd like to say that it made me extremely resilient, and maybe that really is the case in some special, sad way.

People think resilience means being unshakable, incredibly strong, but the truth is, beyond a certain level, resilience just means that you can't give up even if you'd want to. It's quite formidable, really.

I used to have an older brother. Relationships between siblings are rarely perfect, especially brothers don't always see eye to eye, but no matter how rocky it was, I knew he always had my back. He died very suddenly two years ago, it was by far one of the worst days of my life and the only time in my nearly 40 years on this planet that I cried in front of strangers.

He always hoped to see me realise my dreams, and I know he died with regrets no matter how often he told me that he has none. This game has been started because I wanted to see this dream of mine become a reality, show him that I've done it, and eliminate the possibility that I'd someday die with this specific regret.

Now I only have my mam left, there is no one else, no family, no friends. Being trapped at home really limits your ability to make connections, and the older you get, more and more family members will go into the unknown.

My mam will have to stay hospitalised for quite a while, there's just so much wrong with her, and the degree of which she can recover is unknown.

They have found a 2cm big tumour in her lungs. A biopsy will be done tomorrow, to see if it's benign or cancer. If it is cancer, chances should be rather good because it's small and likely hasn't spread anywhere.

Still.

All of this has taken a bad toil on me. I don't know how I'm even hanging on, just that I somehow do.

It should be clear where this is going.

The game will be on indefinite hiatus.

No one ever said that life will be easy, happy, or comfortable.

It's us humans who think it should be like this, but nature has never been either, existence has always been pain and suffering. We as a species have made it so far because we are incredibly resilient and adaptable, able to change with the circumstances, flexible in mind and strong in will.

My will is needed more in other places.

I have a personal credo, if you want to call it that. "I will fight until the very end". I've survived so much, have seen the darkest night and took only hasty glances at the day, but life is still wonderful. We live in a beautiful world that I'd like to observe some more, with all its sadness, hardship, and small moments of happiness.

Maybe I've waited too long to start this game, maybe the time for this dream has run out long ago without me noticing and I've been chasing shadows all along. Maybe there will be a second chance, or it was never meant to be.

Time will tell, like it always does.

Now I have to turn back towards my little family, and myself, to make the best of what was given to me.

Thank you all for your support, encouragement, and showing me another splendid aspect of life, your kindness has brought me boundless joy.

Let's meet again, if circumstances permit.

-Moonlight Peddler

[julieverne]

Jane married Dean. He stationed himself in the Boston office when he could, but he spent a lot of time out of town when he could.

The first time Jane showed up with a bruise Maura barely noticed; she was used to the way Jane managed to get injured at work. But then, with chilling certainty, she remembered that Jane had been in the office all day.

"It's late, Jane," Maura said, when she finally followed a yawning Jane through to the kitchen, flinching when her bruised muscles were pulled by her slack jaw. She rubbed her hands through her hair.

"It's just... it was so pointless. She had cancer, and he killed her anyway. If he hadn't, he'd have gotten the insurance, but he hated her that much he couldn't wait a few more weeks." Jane shook her head. Maura knew Dean was in town; Jane had kept her name. Jane didn't come over as much when he was home unless something was wrong and it was written on the bruise on her face exactly what was wrong. "But when he saw her in the morgue - he wasn't acting. He was genuine - he'd loved her. If it had been morphine because he couldn't stand to see her suffer, wanted to let her go weightless, something slow and easy, I wouldn't have blamed him. But strychnine for days..." Jane rubbed her face, then stopped abruptly when she met the tender flesh of her bruise. "We hurt the ones we love, I guess."

Jane had never hurt Maura. A little, emotionally, now and then. But Jane was always the first one to get between Maura and danger, even if that danger was Maura's own biological family. Jane had only ever hurt her by pushing her out of the way of greater danger. And Maura had taken time to get used to touching Jane at all, and even then the worst she could do was pinch her elbow or tap her shoulder to get her to behave herself. Constance and Arthur had never hurt her. Hope and Paddy and Angela hadn't either, and one of them was very, very skilled at hurting people.

"You can stay," Maura said, yawning, glad she'd worn the green satin sleepwear tonight because it always had caught Jane's eyes. Tonight they caught on her mouth too, and neither of them mentioned that, or the bruise on Jane's face.

"You have a one guest policy, and you already have my Ma."

"You're not a guest. You're family. All five of you." Jane did the math, her nose scrunched. "TJ, not..."

Maura remember the last time Frank had been in town, and it made sense a little more. Why Jane acquainted being hurt with being loved. Jane's face softened unbearably into that smile she gave when she thought Maura was being incomprehensively sweet. It had always made Maura's hands tingle, made her chest ache. Maura looked away.

"Dean's gone back to HQ," Jane said quickly. "And I don't know I want to be alone after a case like that."

"You're always welcome here," Maura said quietly. She'd liked Dean at first, as a match for Jane. But he hadn't aged well - it sounded so superficial - and he usually looked like a wet dog when she saw him.

"I know," Jane said, in the voice she only used when they were alone. Low, a little husky but very soft. "Thanks."

Jane pushed herself away from the kitchen counter with her hip, flinched again at some unseen injury. Jane had her badge and gun; she'd clearly been hoping to stay. Maura waited for the shower to turn off, then another few minutes for Jane to climb into the flannels Maura kept in her room. She didn't live here, but Maura kept a room for her. It was strange, it was silly, but on nights Maura couldn't sleep she would go to Jane's room and bury herself in the lavender scent that remained in Jane's wake. She did launder the sheets, of course, but pillows held a scent and Jane's was too comforting to simply wash away. Besides, she'd been in Jane's house. A few weeks between washing pillows wouldn't hurt her.

Jane was tucked into bed, subdued when Maura sat beside her.

"Tell me," Maura said, her voice unexpectedly harsh.

"It's silly, he opened the bathroom door while I was reaching for it." Jane was a good liar, but she wasn't selling it. Maura's fingers brushed hair back from Jane's face, then she pressed a kiss over the bruise. They didn't kiss often, and never anywhere but the cheek or forehead, maybe onto the others head if they were sitting. But Maura wanted to kiss this better, and she couldn't. "I can't stop thinking about her. She knew she was dying, and she knew he was killing her anyway."

Maura lay carefully beside Jane, giving the air of getting comfort rather than preparing to sleep. She tucked her right arm behind her head, let her left hand find Jane's on the covers and hold it. "It was clever of her, to unplug herself and preserve us a sample."

"Clever of you to think of testing for it, when we all know how many poisons there are to test for."

"He wasn't smart. Rat poison." Maura shook her head. She turned to look at Jane. "You know I'd never hurt you, don't you?" Maura asked, concerned.

"You never have," Jane said warily. "Never deliberately. Besides, I don't have anything you want. And you know I'm leaving it all to TJ anyway."

"And you have never hurt me," Maura said. "Well, my feelings, but you always look so guilty when you apologise."

"Yeah, I forget you're not one of the boys, sometimes. You've seen how I was raised." Jane sighed and rubbed her thumb across Maura's knuckles. "But I try. I'm trying."

"I know," Maura said mildly. "I'm just saying that I love you, and I'm here if you want to talk, or if you don't want to talk." Jane's thumb froze at the word 'love', then resumed its path across Maura's knuckles, slowly and reverently.

"I know. And I wouldn't kill you for your money." Jane sighed. "Nothing would be worth losing you for."

It wasn't a reciprocation of love, but it was as close as Jane got. Maura moved to sit up, but Jane's hand squeezed hers.

"Stay," Jane whispered, and Maura's heart broke with everything she didn't have, with everything that wasn't being offered. Jane felt safe with her. Jane loved her. But Jane was married, and Jane would never say that the way Maura wanted her to.

She stayed anyway, and woke with Jane's head on her chest. She kissed the bruise again - so much worse in daylight, and Jane groaned. Maura extracted herself.

"Maura," Jane called when Maura made it to the door. She touched the doorframe and turned. Jane's hair was a mass of unruly curls, and her face was scrunched up to protect her eyes from the light coming through the windows, but she looked magnificent nonetheless. "Thanks. And, I - you know. I do."

Jane looked so vulnerable that Maura came back and pressed another kiss to Jane's forehead, examined carefully the bruising around her eye. When she brought up coffee, she would bring some aspirin and an ice pack. Jane looked up at her so trustingly, so lovingly that it caught Maura's breath in her chest, make her throat ache for everything she couldn't say.

"I know," Maura said, giving Jane a tight little smile and heading downstairs to start the coffee.

---

The second time Jane showed up bruised, Maura started planning. She let Jane inside, and this time she took Jane up to the bathroom, carefully helping her undress the spectacular body she couldn't help but notice even as her attention was drawn to Jane's injuries.

"I tripped over the couch," Jane said. "Nightmare, didn't want to turn the light on." Maura nodded, her mouth tight and closed as she evaluated the injuries. She knew Jane knew she could see a defensive wound a mile off, and her forearms were littered in them. She wondered if Dean knew that she knew, wondered how far he'd go to keep this secret. He was a federal agent. He could have Paddy killed and make it look like an accident. He could get Hope on laundering charges. He could even hurt Cailin, or TJ. Maura breath hissed out of her, and Jane flinched.

Jane never flinched when Maura touched her. She had to calm down. She took a deep breath.

"I'm sorry," Jane said, her voice small, a voice Maura had only heard around Jane's father.

"There's no need to be," Maura told her, trying to smile, trying to lighten the mood. She could see blood caked at the edges of Jane's underwear.

"I woke you up, didn't I? Dean got a call, while I was trying to clean myself up," Jane said when Maura saw a bandage on Jane's ribs. From the curl of it, it had been there longer than it took Jane to get over here, and it had been used frequently, starting to fray. "He's gone again." Jane breathed out.

"You have nothing to be sorry for," Maura said gently, too gently, because tears shone in Jane's eyes and she looked away. "You have nothing to be sorry for." Maura repeated herself, and Jane blinked away tears as she nodded, not looking away from Maura's face.

Maura pulled out her first aid kit and used swabs to clean up any bleeding. When she looked down at Jane's lap she flushed.

"Period," Jane said, her voice low and strained. Maura didn't like being lied to, but she couldn't - she knew the truth but she didn't want to hear it. But she owed Jane that much, didn't she. She looked Jane in the eyes until she gave one short nod, her breath catching in a sob.

"Do you need stitches?" Maura asked, her voice low and professional as she catalogued the rest of Jane's wounds. Jane shook her head numbly, her body relaxing under Maura's fingers again from the tension of the unasked and unanswered question. "I'll run you a bath, then dress these," Maura said. If Jane had expected privacy she was sadly mistaken, Maura watching with an intensity she almost couldn't bear. She dried Jane gently, using antiseptic on the open wounds and handing her a laden swab of her own. Marital force was hard to prove, even with this kind of battery, and Jane worked at the precinct. Her colleagues would know. It would hurt her career. She used a new ace bandage on Jane's ribs, feeling the intake of breath as her fingers trailed the underside of something impossibly soft. She bandaged the wounds, and then she held Jane.

"I'm getting your pyjamas wet," Jane said, muffled against Maura's hair where she'd nuzzled in against her.

"They'll dry," Maura said absently. She slid her hand over Jane's back and held her closer, expecting Jane to object on account of her injuries or on account of her nudity but her own arms pulled Maura closer too.

---

The third time Maura saw a bruise on Jane, she left the precinct for half an hour, discarding the disposable gloves she'd let build up in her bag in the lab bin. She hummed, and smiled grimly at Susie when she asked what was wrong.

"Everything, but only for a while," Maura said, then touched her forehead, blinking. "Must be dehydrated," she added, excusing herself.

---

Dean didn't make it back to HQ when he fled Boston, he and his car being found in the harbour a few days later, a bloated mess. Maura recused herself from the autopsy; left it to Pike.

He was a federal agent; he'd been working an organised crime case. He'd made enemies. Jane had half thought he'd left her, half thought he'd gone under cover. She'd reached out to his boss, who said he'd turn up, and then he had.

The autopsy ruled his death accidental, and Jane was relieved. She'd half thought Maura might have hired someone, might have told Paddy, or Tommy. But Maura just sat by her side at the funeral and held her while she cried.

---

"You've never hurt me," Jane said, a few years later. Lucy and TJ were playing some toddler game together, and Maura kissed Jane's forehead. "I think that's why I couldn't let myself believe that you loved me for so long." Maura smiled and leaned back into Jane's arms, Tommy and Frankie watching the kids. Jane kissed her cheek. "And maybe why I couldn't let myself love you for so long. I never wanted to ever hurt you."

"You never will Jane," Maura told her.

People like Dean hurt the ones they loved, because they loved power more than what they perceived to be their belongings.

People like Maura? Well, she hadn't loved Dean. Hurting him served no purpose.

That was why she'd simply killed him instead.

Maura hummed as Jane's hands tightened around her. "I've been thinking Lucy looks lonely," Jane said quietly. "Like she might want a little brother or sister." Her voice was hopeful, and Maura chuckled, resting her wedding ring on top of Jane's matching one on the hand beneath hers.

"It's my turn, isn't it," Maura said ruefully. She looked over at Lucy; she was half Dean, but no less loved for it. Maura of all people knew that nurture outwon biology. Paddy might be a serial killer, but Maura was not.

She just had one little murder. As a secret. As a treat. She didn't need another one because no one was ever going to be stupid enough to hurt Jane again.

[luveline]

Hi lovely! I just wanted to tell you that you really remind me of a friend I had ten years ago. I met her while I was in a psychiatric hospital because of my depression and she was just so lovely. She'd had a rough life, just a lot of worst case scenarios one after the other, like for example - she had just beat cancer a year prior. She was really dealt a rough hand, but she never let that stop her from being so incredibly sweet. She was a really loving individual. We'd hold hands and nap together, even though we weren't allowed in each other's rooms and she'd stroke my hair and call me all these sweet nicknames and she just really cared a lot. I got into my first ever physical fight because of her. Her hair wasn't very long yet, after chemo, and when one of the guys noticed that she didn't like people touching it, he did just that. Just to be an asshole I guess. It escalated and soon he was dragging her by her hair and the nurses somehow didn't hear all of us shouting at him, so I grabbed him by the hair. I was trying to get his hand out without hurting her, so I was just clawing at his hand and his face and he elbowed me in the nose. I also got into multiple verbal fights with the nurses about how they were treating the other patients. One of my roommates had hallucinations in the dark, so the deal was that we could leave the hallway light on and the door open. But there was a shift change in the middle of the night and the new nurse came to turn the light off. I woke up to my friend crying because the nurse wouldn't listen to her. In the end I got her to agree to leave the light on, but that definitely had me in an antagonist state of mind for the rest of my stay. The nurses were neglectful at best and actively making things harder at worst.

Anyways, sorry about that unnecessary tangent.

I don't know what happened to my friend, she was discharged before me and had to go back to living with her abusive father and we lost contact after a few months. But she really made me a more open and loving and brave person. You honestly have that same energy.

aw I’m honoured you’d think that way of me! Genuinely!! She sounds absolutely incredible and you sound just as amazing and loving and sweet!! I hope you’re doing well❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️

[contentment-of-cats]

I take a deep breath because I can.

Edited: They have found a debris field near the Titanic.

Mortality is never far from a cancer patient's mind. We all die, cancer or no cancer, fairly or unfairly. The universe is the universe and keeps on going whatever the big, beautiful, horrifying, and deadly universe keeps on doing. It's not my mortality that I've been thinking about the past few days, though it's never far from my mind. It's about five people I didn't know.

People hate death. It gets in the way of the happy endings that we've been spoon-fed over decades. We want to see happy endings, see absolute miracles, so much that we won't agree that there is a line where Happy Ending Land stops and reality begins. The media is complicit and people dwell in denial to the point where it's psychosis.

CNN is my case in point this morning.

If that submarine did not have a catastrophic hull failure on Sunday morning, there are now five bodies on a garage-built unclassed, uninspected, 'experimental' submarine on the floor of the ocean. The iar is gone, the battery power is gone, they are breathing in each other's carbon dioxide, hungry, thirsty, hypothermic,in the absolute dark. Billionaire hatred aside, I cannot think of a more horrible way to die nor anyone I would ever wish it on - the same way I would never wish cancer on anyone. I am walking the measured mile, these folks were locked in and dropped down. The fact that people signed an extensive multi-page waiver to board this thing makes me scream in horror.

One thing nobody wants to talk about on TV is the very real probability that one hour and forty-five minutes into it's dive, the sub experienced catastrophic hull failure and crushed down to something the size of a Weber kettle grill. All the air would have been pushed out of every component, including the humans inside. It would have taken a couple of seconds at that depth, just fifteen minutes from the bottom and the wreck of the Titanic. Apparently losing contact with the sub happened often enough that it was not reported until eight hours later. That is the best case scenario. A better case would be that they find it, bring it up to the surface, and show people the actual real consequences of hubris and stupidity.

Worst case is that they hung on in the dark, in the cold, hearing rescuers above them as they died this morning.

Their friends are saying that they could still be alive. These men were experienced adventurers, they would know how to conserve oxygen. The FFS section of this post begins below with OceanGate's co-founder talking to CNN.

While life support supplies are now believed to be running low, a co-founder of the company that operates the missing Titanic submersible says he believes the crew's expertise will extend the "window available" for rescue. Guillermo Söhnlein made the comments in a statement to CNN. He specified her was speaking on behalf of himself and not the company, OceanGate. He said OceanGate CEO and co-founder Stockton Rush — who is aboard the sub — and the rest of the crew would have "realized days ago that the best thing they can do to ensure their rescue is to extend the limits of those supplies by relaxing as much as possible." Based on the crew members' expertise, the "window available" for rescue is longer than "what most people think," Söhnlein said. Thursday will be a "critical day in this search and rescue mission," he added. "I continue to hold out hope for my friend and the rest of the crew," Söhnlein said. "I would encourage everyone to remain hopeful for getting the crew back safely."

This is fucking nutty. This is denial. Nobody wants to think that corporate hubris killed five people including the co-founder, engineers deal in reality. These people are dead. You can't spin dead. You can't wish away dead. Dead is the hardest, coldest fact of all and one of the hardest to live with, whether it's yours or someone else's.

Side note. On Monday it will have been a month since my mom's death. I knew it was coming either from dementia or COPD. The stroke moved it up. Nobody, including her doctors, saw it coming. There was no high blood pressure, her vascular health was excellent. With directives in place, she was as comfortable as possible. I remind myself that hemipaleigic, with dementia, and COPD would have been the ultimate cruelty. I still get the urge to pick up the phone and call her. I can't. Death is the hardest reality.

Next is a friend of two of the men in the sub.

“I know that the adventurers on board are experienced, very experienced,” said Per Wimmer, an adventurer who was previously signed up for two canceled trips on the Titan. Wimmer is an acquaintance of Hamish Harding and Stockton Rush, two of the five people on the missing vessel. He said Harding, a British businessman and trained jet pilot, and Rush, the CEO and founder of the company leading the voyage, are both very experienced adventurers who would know to conserve oxygen. “They would no doubt know what it means to slow down, take it easy, and use as little oxygen as possible, and therefore extend the potential timeline as much as possible," he added. Wimmer said that the presence of OceanGate CEO Stockton Rush on board the vessel is helpful, as he knows “the ins and outs of how this submersible works.”

Again, the Bulletproof Fallacy is at work. "I have never been shot, therefore I am bulletproof."

They've deployed a medical team with a specialty in dive medicine and equipped with hyperbaric oxygen chambers. There is hope, yes, and then there is acceptance that the ocean is as merciless as space. It is hostile to our life form in that if our artificial environment is breached, we can't continue to live.

They've found a debris field. It may or may not be part of the 1912 wreck.

[randomfoggytiger]

Arcadia Analysis: Their Worst Nightmares and Trauma Responses

In my previous Arcadia posts, I made the case that the mailboxes were leitmotifs, Scully was NOT upset about the repercussions of Diana or One Son (or anything at all), and that it was Mulder who was the one struggling and upset with “married life” in suburbia. Now, we round it all up with the climax of Arcadia: Mulder’s and Scully’s worst nightmares actualized (if briefly and with good endings) and their trauma responses to it. 

Here we go! 

To begin, Scully calls the forensics’ team for a full sweep “tonight” while Mulder runs off to arrest Gogolak (the leadup to that is in my analysis of Mulder’s actions in Arcadia here.) However, stomps on the stairs alerts her to an intruder; and she stops the call to get her gun.  

When she goes to retrieve her weapon (hidden in her personal drawer of neatly folded laundry-- an apt descriptor of her life) and finds only an empty holster 

Scully begins to internally panic. But she REALLY panics when she’s mugged from behind. 

Scully’s personal nightmare is invasion of her personal spaces: her body (by her abduction, cancer, and constant recapture) and literal home invasions (first in Squeeze, then in Duane Barry; now in Arcadia, and eventually in Orison.) 

Her flailing only stops when she recognizes Big Mike, who motions for silence 

and begins to intermittently explain that he’s been hiding in the sewer protecting her and Rob/Mulder from the monster. As he does so, Mike shoves furniture to reinforce the bedroom door... and starts to drag her dresser near the closet. 

He ignores her pleas to “just give me the gun” and promptly shoves her into the closet, 

barricading her in before the monster can break the bedroom door down.  

Scully is now trapped in the place of her most traumatizing experience: her imprisonment by Donnie Pfaster. She goes absolutely silent, fully concentrating on grasping the door handle and turning it repeatedly, attempting to break free. 

Her efforts are halted when the monster knocks the door down and Big Mike begins firing her gun at close range to seemingly no avail 

while furniture is being tossed around him weightlessly. 

When Big Mike yelps, she ducks back, but not completely into the shadows--

until he is thrown violently against the closet door, screaming as the monster proceeds to beat him to death. 

(Her wedding ring is given a clear shot as she does so. ~Symbolism~ similar to a previous shot explained in my analysis here.) 

Scully’s response to trauma-- flight-- is crippled in this circumstance; so she cowers, watches garbage mixed with blood splatter on the door slats, 

and begins to go into shock as Big Mike’s lifeless head splats against the blinds.

Meanwhile, Mulder is escorting his prisoner back to the Petries’ when he stops dead in his tracks-- 

the Petries’ door is wide open and the house is completely still. 

He immediately launches into investigative mode, cuffing Gogolak to the mailbox and running into the house. 

His horror mounts when he sees ketchup-red footsteps leading through the door,

up the stairs, and deeper into the house. 

Mulder’s greatest fear has always been the inability to prevent losing someone he loves. Obviously, it stems back to being frozen while Samantha was abducted, unable to respond to her screams for help; but it also bleeds into his close calls with Scully’s safety (on the job, her abduction, coma, cancer, etc.) He fights tooth and nail to prevent someone being taken from him ever again. 

But his first trauma response-- freeze-- blooms in the face of the escalated wreckage around him: stains on the carpet, the walls; pictures askew, footprints straight to the bedroom.

As he ascends the stairs, he keeps flickering back in and out of a trauma response; but when Scully won’t respond to his calls, it begins to solidify. 

Because-- fight as hard as he might-- when Mulder feels like he can’t do anything, when it’s irreversible and all hope is lost? Mulder freezes, shuts down. Just as he did in One Son (hate that Diana took advantage of that moment, YUCK), in Drive, The End, Emily, Redux II, Elegy, The Field Where I Died, Herrenvolk, Oubliette, One Breath, Ascension-3, etc.; and just as he will in Milagro, Amor Fati, Sein und Zeit, Requiem, and Three Words (and more!) 

Speaking of Milagro, in a scene eerily similar to that episode (which happens a few episodes after this one), Mulder slowly makes his way through the heart-stopping crime scene, 

mouth open, 

eyes popping, barely breathing, 

panic climbing as finds no sign of life. 

He’s about to hyperventilate when Scully calls from the closet, 

whereupon he SPRINGS into action, 

grasping at her dresser in an attempt to quickly free her.

(Also, the musical cue picks up from dreadfully calm to tensely upbeat, highlighting his adrenaline kicking back in and underscoring his deliberate calm as he tries to draw out responses from Scully.) 

He quickly pivots to tearing the door slats away when he hears the hollow shock in Scully’s voice, his movements becoming choppier in response to her distress. 

Mulder halts his efforts when he hears screaming outside, 

and dashes away, deeming Scully safer in the closet than out. (She then continues freeing herself, knowing Mulder’s propensity to run headlong into danger without the wherewithal to protect himself.) 

When faced with the tulpa looming over Gogolak’s dying body, 

Mulder freezes, allowing the monster to tramp menacingly towards him (proving Scully’s determination to get out of that closet to be correct.) 

Before the tulpa can kill him, Gogolak dies, which causes his creation to crumble to dust (and ketchup and garbage) at Mulder’s feet. 

He blinks-- “reawakening” from his paralysis-- 

and stares at the remains in disgust. A fitting end to his nightmare of a stay in this neighborhood (analysis of his very-not-good-time linked here~.)

Scully arrives a moment too late (of course), 

and seems at a loss to make sense of it all. 

And thus, their stay in Arcadia comes to a close (after, of course, Mulder tries to fix the mailbox, which is explored more in previous analyses)-- their jaunt into the American dream punctuated with a reenactment of their personal nightmares. 

Hope you enjoyed! 

[hasufin]

Planning

This past week, my spouse and I went to see a financial planner.

Now, I expressed that our biggest concerns vis a vis retirement were inflation (e.g. we plan to have $5000/month when we retire but in 2060 $5000 will buy you a nice dinner and maybe a dessert) and major medical issues because the American healthcare system is a nightmare.

And he launched into how his goal was to make sure we're comfortable but also include enough reserve to handle worst case scenarios.

And it took all my self-control to not say

"No, you're not. You're not planning for worst-case scenarios at all. Because in pretty much ever worst-case scenario I can come up with, nothing you're going to say in the next 60 minutes will have any meaning at all. You're a financial planner and if we have World War III and all currencies collapse, it doesn't matter how much we have in our 401K. If My spouse gets murdered and I'm convicted of the murder, all my retirement money is going away. I can come up with more, but look, let's be real: we're not here for worst-case scenarios. We're here for realistic things that we hope to have to deal with, because we will live long enough and the world we know will continue to exist."

I didn't say it, because that would have kinda been a conversation ender. But I wanted to.

And maybe it's not the best way to shut up the brain weasels, but it's worth bearing in mind that there the overwhelming majority of worst-case scenarios share three extremely important traits:

Their occurrence has nothing to do with your own choices. You cannot prevent a nuclear war, nor stop a supervolcano from erupting. You can get run over by a reckless driver, or contract cancer, through no fault of your own.

There's jack shit you can do to handle the situation. It is not a moral failing to not plan for the Yellowstone eruption and not have a nuclear bunker.

In fact, devoting resources to that kind of thing is actively harmful. It's pulling time, money, and attention from handling things which have a realistic chance of happening and for which you can make worthwhile, effective plans.

Basically, plan for and consider issues on your own scale. Don't fall for hyperbole, and don't try to fix the world with a middle-class budget.

[canceramorem]

CANCER AMOREM ( Latin for cancer love ) is the act of falling in love with someone who also has cancer. Although very rare, it does happen. Being heartbroken and having stage four cancer has been without a doubt the worst experience of the 49 years of my life. The feeling of abandonment and feelings of being unwanted, unloved, and to top it all off, a feeling of impending doom ( from being told that you have cancer- after I haven't even been to the hospital twice in my life because I have been healthy), can really do some damage to a person emotionally. How people that say they love someone, and then when the person they say they love gets a cancer diagnosis , you would think that they would stay by their side. That's what I would do anyways, and I'm pretty sure Emily would. Instead, in the case of Jason Plaster, not only was he abandoned, but his cancer diagnosis was actually used as entertainment for his so called love and her pimpboyfriend.

And in Emily's case, her abusive boyfriend, aptly nicknamed "Angry Doug" , chose to remain mean and even chose fentanyl instead of being a nurturing , caring boyfriend to a woman that loved him and cared for him while they both were on the streets and homeless.

You see, Jason and Emily were living in parallel universes, although they were complete strangers, they were actually going through almost the identical situations and scenarios. And the heartbreak that Jason had , must have been similar, if not the same as the heartbreak Emily had. It was as though God was putting them both through so much bullshit , pain, and loss , that he was preparing them for the greatest relationship, love , and healing , that their story would be one of legend.

I know it sounds crazy, and I know that true love really does exist, as does love at first sight. But the moment that she spoke that one word, that word which actually I never spoke, ( out of shame, out of fear, out of hate , I don't know, but I just didn't speak the dreaded cancer word) . But when it came from Emily's sweet lips, and sensual, sweet , calming voice, it instantly made me fall in love with her. And not just a School boy crush type of love , or not like any other love I have experienced in my life ( this would actually make the third or fourth time I actually experienced love. ) Seeing into the future when Emily said the dreaded cancer word was definitely a first for me. I actually saw what appeared to be the most perfect , happy, loving, caring , - did i mention perfect?- Relationship that I could ever possibly have known existed.

It was almost as though God was showing me what i could have. Glimpses- one I coukd remember was of her and I being happy and laughing, another was us living many years , (a much better vision than what I was having only a half hour prior) . Let's not forget, only minutes before Emily had said the word 'cancer' , I was hellbent on taking my own life. I was at the worst possible place I could be in the whole of my life. I can't even begon to explain justvhow dark of a place I was in. I never want to go there ever again. Emily truly did save me, she saved me from myself, she gave me hope, she gave me a reason not to kill myself. Most importantly, she gave me love. And not just any love, she gave me a reason to love. And for this, I am forever indebted to her. I can never hurt her, and I won't, I can only love her. You see, people with cancer do everything they can to beat it. In my case, I will never truly beat it. But to be able to live with it, and to be able to feel love and of being loved- that is very hard to explain. And this is why, I could never EVER , Hurt this woman named Emily. Oh wait, this story gets even better. I would find out that she also shared the love of dogs with me - she actually had adopted a puppy, and not just any dog, one that has the same markings and demeanor even the same type of face that I had wanted myself in a dog, which I had entertained getting, Emily just did . The more I peeled away the layers of similarities, and of small coincidences, the more I realized, that she really is the one.

Now comes the fun part- convincing her that what I felt and the visions I saw were true. And not to mention, she would think I'm some crazy man that must be on drugs( which I was) - remember, I have cancer whoch has metastasized to my bones, which meant I would be on pain meds, and not to mention the fog of 'cancer brain' as I call it( it's like being old overnight, forgetting things and not remembering things, and just plain old loss of memory. But that's ok, as long as you have someone to make new memories with.

[a-tale-never-told]

So Bagel Huntresses, yes that’s what we are calling you ladies right now, we sometime call Nagito a Hope Bagel as a inside joke, what’s the plan on hunting down this hopeful bagel before he goes stale and gives Hajime the world’s worst food poisoning? Or In other words, the plan to stop Nagito from harming or even killimg Hajime.

...

What are you thinking?

You know how Komaeda said earlier that he's going to be staying over at the Hanamura's untill his stomach disease blows over, right?

Yeah, but what does that have to do with anything?

It means that he'll be preoccupied with taking care of Teruteru in his home until classes restart again next week. Once classes do eventually start, we're going to need to separate him away from Hajime at every given opportunity we have.

Given that Nagito made his intentions very clear to inflict some form of harm on Hajime, it's definitely best if we limit the ways they could interact with each other, in order to prevent Nagito from causing any damage to him.

Ooh, so you're basically saying we need to take him out if you know what I mean~ *winks with a flirtatious look*.

Eh?!

T-That's not what I meant! And you know it! Stop trying to twist the conversation into a different topic!

Suuure. Whatever you say, Mahiru.

Back on topic, we need to distract Nagito from anything regarding the Reserve Course or Hajime's whereabouts. I'll try to keep a vigilant and close eye out for any suspicious activity regarding Nagito's involvement, while the rest of you will check on Hajime and prevent him from ever meeting or having a conversation with Nagito untill he eventually calms down or gets some proper treatment for his lymphoma.

You do realize how risky this entire mission sounds, right? We're just basing this entire plan solely on the fact that Nagito and Hajime don't have any form or kind of interaction with each other until Nagito gets some medical treatment for his cancer, which probably won't occur untill we graduate. Are you sure that this is gonna work out?

Honestly? I don't have much faith in this plan either. But it's the best chance that we have in order to prevent things from escalating. Worst case scenario, we have to get Miss Yukizome and the rest of the staff involved, and both get suspended in the process, along with Hajime getting expelled due to his status as a Reserve Course student.

Obviously, this is a really poorly thought-out and risky plan. But I'm trying to make the best out of a complicated and stressful solution, as well as taking advantage of the opportunity we have that Hope's Peak doesn't reopen untill next Monday.

Also, Bagel Huntresess?! Really? That's the best nickname you could've given us? I don't even eat bagels, and yet I'm still annoyed as to how uncreative and uninspired these names are. Was this seriously the best nickname you could come up with?

I don't mind! I actually find the nickname quite rad! Really gives you that soft, flavory, feel of a round piece of deliciousness.

Y'know, I've heard worse nicknames than this, so I guess this isn't too bad to accept. Still need to work on your nicknaming skills, though.

(This has got to be one of the most bizarre and strangest conversations in my entire life, and I've met some really weird people myself.)

[riverofempathy]

It has always bothered me that Alice cheats the stock market. There’s just no fucking reason. They don’t need all that money! And the whole “they cash out their inheritance over and over” is fucking stupid too. You’re telling me no one has investigated this? No one has figured out that they’re immortal, that they’re the same frickin people—especially when they do something stupid like move back to a town where they’ve already lived, only like 50 years prior? They’re so bad at this!!! And they’re bad people for becoming billionaires this way. This is literally what corrupt rich people do IRL, just without the immortality (supposedly).

The Cullens do not need to be this rich. They do not need to be this shady. They don’t really need money at all because they don’t need lights or heat or groceries. But you know what? Tons of people do! So either help them with the fuck ton of money you don’t need or deserve or stop accumulating it altogether. Or at least stop doing it illegally.

I really don’t understand why Stephenie made that choice. Just say that Carlisle gets paid a lot as a surgeon because he’s really fucking good at what he does, and have the other Cullens get jobs sometimes because they’re bored and want something to do, and they save a lot because again, they don’t have the same needs as other people (do you know how much they could save on food alone???), and they probably save on materials for the houses that Esme builds too, cuz idk maybe they can just use their hands instead of tools for half of it. And they don’t have medical bills! So that saves them tens of thousands or hundreds of thousands of dollars per person per “lifetime” or maybe even per year, compared to IRL people with medical conditions and emergencies and births, etc. All of that times 100 years (or 300+ years in Carlisle’s case) already gives them more money than most middle class people will ever see. That’s fine. Then they can buy the fancy cars and clothes, I don’t care. (If you honestly—honestly—earn a lot of money, of course you should get to spend it on comforts and fun; I would!) But I still hope they would help people—the people who actually need that money. I hope Carlisle starts like a scholarship or something, or like pays off the medical debt for a family whose kid has cancer and has frequent trips to the ER, or for the single mother with five kids whose newborn twins stayed in the NICU for 2 months. Like???? Are they good people or not?? Cuz the way you designed them, Stephenie, they’re really really not. They’re kind of the worst, actually.

Honestly, I think I love the version of Twilight in my head so much more than what actually got printed.

Like, I still love it, I swear I do. I’m just mad. There were so many choices that shouldn’t have been made.

Idk I’m just in a mood right now.

Do the Cullens donate to charity or is it too risky?

Please.

Alice is making enough on the stock market that she looks like she's doing insider trading (which in a sense she is). Donating to charity is the least of their worries.

That said, they can't donate too much, as that does get inspected and get them more scrutiny than they'd like, but I imagine they donate a reasonable some.

They do have stupid money.

[lunarticxenia]

Asteroid Leviathan #8813

Asteroid Leviathan #8813 deals with our inner demons and things that make life hard for us. One might apply more to you than another, also everything might not apply because this asteroid can present differently for many people. Hope you guys enjoy, and for anyone who’s sending questions I’m trying my best to answer them! My post on how to find asteroids in the natal chart is here. 

TW: Abuse, ED, S*xual assault. 

♠️ 1H/Aries: The inner demons of individuals with Leviathan in the 1H or in Aries regards their appearance, path in life, and general sense of self. Their inner demons could also regard their identity- perhaps they struggle with their sexuality or gender if they’re LGBT+. Individuals with this would likely pursue things like plastic surgery, heavy make-up, tattoos, piercings, and/or heavy working out to “fix” their appearance. They might also feel very lost with themselves as well, and don’t know who they truly are. They also might struggle with their path in life, they don’t know what they’re supposed to do and just feel lost all the time. 

♠️ 2H/Taurus: The inner demons of individuals with Leviathan in the 2H or in Taurus might regard possessions, their sense of worth, their body, and food. Individuals with this may have or had an eating disorder (myself included). These individuals might also have really low self esteem, and have a low sense of worth. They might find themselves in abusive relationships and/or friendships because their sense of worth is so low. They also might struggle with money; they might have grown up poor or grew up envying what other people had. They also might place their sense of worth based on how much money they have and/or what possessions they have.  They might feel that if they don’t have the nicest clothes that they’re just not worthy of anything. This could also manifest as a person who uses retail therapy and/or in more extreme cases someone who will do anything for money even it’s illegal or immoral. 

♠️ 3H/Gemini: The inner demons of individuals with Leviathan in the 3H or in Gemini might regard around intelligence, communication, siblings, primary and secondary education, and aunts & uncles. These individuals may have problems with communicating or learning- this could definitely manifest as an ADHD and/or a speech impediment placement. If not this extreme, the individual might just have problems with communicating in general and/or studying i.e. they can’t say how they feel, they can’t study, etc. They also might feel insecure about their intelligence and fear that they’re not smart enough.They could’ve gotten bullied in primary and/or secondary school. They could also have a strained relationship with a sibling and/or an aunt or uncle. In some cases, I’ve seen individuals with this have to take on almost a parental role with their siblings and this can cause a lot of strain on the individual. This could just mean an individual’s relationship with their sibling causes them strain. 

♠️ 4H/Cancer: The inner demons of individuals with Leviathan in the 4H or in Cancer might regard around the family, the mother, emotions, and their femininity. These individuals may have issues with their family- they might not get along with them well or they just flat out don’t like their family or certain members in it. Moreover, this could be a mommy issues placement. Individuals with this also might struggle with feeling insecure about showing their emotions and/or might struggle releasing them in a healthy way. They might be embarrassed when they cry, and no one will ever know how they feel. They tend to suffer alone. They might also struggle with their feminine side. Individuals might view their feminine side as “weak” and might associate it with showing emotions which they don’t like to do. 

♠️ 5H/Leo: The inner demons of individuals with Leviathan in the 5H or in Leo might regard love, creativity, expression, and children. These individuals may have issues with love. Not really relationships necessarily, but just how they give and receive love. These individuals might also struggle with seeing what love is and may struggle with recognizing it. They might see validation or attention as love. They also might be afraid of falling in love. They also might stay in abusive relationships because they love that person so much or they think that the abuse is a form of love. Basically just issues with love and how they see it. If not that their inner demons could center around creativity; perhaps they get absorbed in their creative works and nothing they do is ever good enough. They also might have a fear of having children and/or they might have issues with their children if they have them. For a person in the LGBT+ community I could also see this placement manifesting as being afraid to express their sexuality and gender (since this deals with love). If not that, they just struggle with expressing themselves in general. 

♠️ 6H/Virgo: The inner demons of individuals with Leviathan in the 6H or in Virgo might regard their health, employment, and sense of usefulness. These individuals might struggle with their health. While it might just be normal health problems, I’ve seen it more manifested as a person’s mental state making them have health problems, i.e. a person with anxiety gets IBS. Whatever the mental disorder or issue is, it can cause issues to the individuals physical health. This could also manifest as a mental disorder as well since it deals with inner demons. I could also see this as a person who constantly has to help people and overexert themselves because they feel like they’re never doing enough. I could also see this as a person feeling insecure at work, perhaps they feel like they’re a bad worker, and that they’re not good enough to be there.

♠️ 7H/Libra: The inner demons of individuals with Leviathan in the 7H or in Libra might regard relationships, partnerships/marriage, and enemies. These individuals may have issues with their relationships, and it doesn’t have to be just romantic relationships. They could struggle with how they maintain relationships with others; there could be a lot of arguments and/or they might struggle to upkeep the relationship. They also might have a hard time being vulnerable to others which can hinder a relationship development. These individuals can also struggle with romantic partnerships- they might find themselves dealing with toxic and/or abusive partners. Relationships in general for them can just bring them a lot of pain and trauma. The individual could also struggle with enemies as part of their inner demons as it can bring them strain. This can also be a person who’s their own worst enemy. 

♠️ 8H/Scorpio: The inner demons of individuals with Leviathan in the 8H or in Scorpio might regard sex, intimacy and vulnerability. These individuals may have issues regarding sex. In extreme cases this can manifest as sexual harassment, abuse, or assault. In less extreme cases they might have a hard time with sex because they have a hard time being that vulnerable to another person. Or this can manifest as someone who has sex a lot because they seek intimacy. These individuals regardless tend to struggle with intimacy and allowing themselves to be vulnerable to others. They tend to be more closed off around others and it takes a long time for them to open up. They enjoy their privacy and being “the lone wolf” however this can make them quite lonely because they feel that no one truly knows them. 

♠️ 9H/Sagittarius: The inner demons of individuals with Leviathan in the 9H or in Sagittarius might regard traveling, higher education, religion, and philosophy. These individuals may have issues in regards to traveling- perhaps they desire to travel but are confined by their circumstances. They also might have had something bad happened if they have traveled. They also might’ve had some trauma happen in college and/or is a big source of their mental anguish. I could also see this manifesting as religious trauma, especially in LGBT+ individuals. In more extreme cases this could indicate abuse by someone in the clergy. These individuals might struggle with being the victim of their own philosophy of life. Maybe their philosophy of life is just naturally pessimistic and this can cause them a great deal of pain. 

♠️ 10H/Capricorn: The inner demons of individuals with Leviathan in the 10H or in Capricorn might regard one’s career, reputation/public image, the father, and masculinity. These individuals tend to struggle with their career. They might feel that they’re not good enough for their career and might have a lot of anguish in deciding a career. Their career might also bring them a lot of anguish perhaps they work as a cop or a social worker and they come across a lot of really traumatizing scenarios. They also might struggle with their reputation/public image-perhaps people spread rumors about them a lot or people see them in a negative light, and this can cause them a lot of sadness. This can also be a daddy issues placement. This can also manifest as someone struggling with their masculinity or masculine side. If it’s a guy or a masculine presenting person he/they might not feel they’re being masculine enough. 

♠️ 11H/Aquarius: The inner demons of individuals with Leviathan in the 11H or in Aquarius might regard friendships, their sense of belonging, and their hopes & dreams. Individuals with this might struggle with friendships. Their friendships can bring them a lot of anguish- perhaps they tend to befriend toxic people or they just tend to have a hard time making friends at all. They also might have a lot of trauma regarding friends- perhaps something traumatic happened when they were with friends or their friends caused their trauma. In extreme circumstances this can manifest as a friend causing the person abuse. This person also might not feel like they belong anywhere. No matter what they do they feel like an outcast. They also might have big hopes and dreams and they feel like they can’t accomplish them. They might also have unrealistic hopes and dreams and this can crash and burn. 

♠️ 12H/Pisces: The inner demons of individuals with Leviathan in the 12H or in Pisces might regard spirituality, death, and one’s hidden self. Individuals with this may have a fear of death. They also might’ve been traumatized by the death of someone important to them, and they haven’t been the same. They also might have hidden parts of themselves that they resent and don’t like to show to people. These parts of themselves can cause them strain. They also might struggle with spirituality as well, they might not feel that they’re spiritual enough or they might feel lost spiritually. They might not have anything to really believe in, and they just feel lost.