#i haven't really felt myself the last couple days? so that's weird.

[stabbyfoxandrew]

omg guys yesterday i said i was gonna answer asks and disappeared sorry TWT

[writtenbymisunderstoodnerds]

Are you sure they like each other? (Alyssa Naeher x Reader)

Barely edited and I don't know if I happy with this, but I wanted to put something out. I hope you enjoy :)

Summary: Alyssa and reader are together, but very stoic and not affectionate in public. Think the team know they're together, apparently not. Start to question if they even like each other. Alyssa and reader turn into soft, love sick people when alone.

Warnings: Tiny bit suggestive, some swearing

Words: 3.3K

Alyssa had slipped out, taking our bags up to the room while I was surrounded by some of the team. I had offered to help, but she had insisted I stay to catch up, leaving before I could protest. Neither of us would be considered extroverts, though I was the one who liked to talk a bit more. Kristie pulled me into a tight hug before a few of the girls following suit, "How was your break Y/n?"

"It was pretty good. Alyssa and I just took it easy. Spent some time fixing up some of the stuff around the house I haven't had the time to do. Visited family, that sort of thing."

Confusion covered their faces, Kelley being the first one to speak up, "Wait. You spent the break with Alyssa?"

Now it was my turn to be confused. Alyssa and I had been together for almost 5 years, living together for 3. It wasn't something that had been hidden. Our relationship wasn't public knowledge, but friends and family knew we were together, or so I thought anyway. We weren't an affectionate couple in public or even with our friends, barely ever touching past an occasional hand on the back, a short hug after a game or if we were going to be apart. Occasionally, we would hold hands at home with family or I would lay with my head in her lap during movie night. I loved Alyssa more than words would describe, there was no doubt in my mind she felt the same. Public affection just made us both very uncomfortable.  

"Why wouldn't I? We live together."

"Wait what? You and Alyssa live together?"

"You didn't know? We weren't hiding it. You know we're together right?"

Kelley looked as if I had grown a second head, "You and Alyssa are dating? No we didn't know that! What the hell Y/n?"

Alyssa's hand touched my lower back, letting me know she was there before dropping back to her side. "What's happening here? Why is there yelling?"

"Apparently they're just finding out we live together and have been together for the last almost 5 years."

"5 years?!? And you didn't tell us?"

Even Alyssa looked confused at this point, "What do you mean didn't tell you? It was never hidden. We assumed you knew."

Accusatory glares were sent our way while Alyssa and I just stood there confused. This was not how I expected my morning to go. "You've never kissed, held hands, cuddled or done anything remotely couple like. How were we supposed to know?"

"We've held hands a few times and I sleep against her on the bus sometimes. I get her coffee and breakfast every morning, Alyssa gets me flowers every week even at camp. Pretty sure we've mentioned our anniversary before. We say 'I love you' to each other all the time. Did none of you find that weird?"

"You're always sitting next to each other on the bus so no and we just figured you were close friends or something. I think there's been one time that you've gotten flowers from her in front of us."

"I've seen that a few times actually, but its always when she seems to have a bad day," Tierna spoke up. 

Alyssa shrugged, "Well yeah, I get them every week, but if she's having a bad day then I'll get them on that day to cheer her up. Look, we just don't like PDA, we weren't hiding anything from you. We really thought you knew about us. And before you even ask, no we're not going to prove it. Now we're going to our room."

As soon as we entered our room, I flopped down on the bed, scooting over slightly when Alyssa lay down next to me. I pushed myself into her arms, leaving kisses on her jaw, her hand slipping under my shirt to draw random patterns. "You unpacked my stuff."

Alyssa held me closer, kissing my forehead. People held the impression that Alyssa disliked physical touch, which she did with most people. In reality, Alyssa loved cuddling with me, she loved holding my hand and kissing me. Just touching in general actually. When we first started dating, it was a welcome surprise. I expected some affection, but not as much as I received. There was definitely no complaints from me, I loved cuddling with my partners. "I always do, don't I?"

"You do and I appreciate it, but you don-"

She cut me off with a quick peck before speaking up not giving me the chance, "My love, how many times have you said I don't have to, yet I do it anyway?"

"Pretty much every camp," I mumbled against her neck, knowing what her response was going to be. It was always the same.

"Exactly. I do it because I love you and I want to make your day a little bit easier so how about you just accept it and let me do it."

It wasn't that I didn't like it, in fact I loved that she did it. I just always felt slightly bad when people did things for me. "Fine. I still can't believe they didn't know about us. I really thought they did."

"So did I. Maybe they just don't listen to us at all. It was all kind of entertaining though."

"It was, I can't believe they were so clueless. I have a feeling Emily is going to be annoying though. She had her mischief face on."

Alyssa's hand traveled further up my side as she rolled on top of me, "Unfortunately, I think you're right, but right now there are other things I would rather do than talk about Emily."

---

Just as I sat down for breakfast, Emily and Kelley slid onto the chairs in front of me. They just stared at me until I snapped, asking what they wanted. This was not what I needed early in the morning especially when I had only been awake for like half an hour. Alyssa was always down for breakfast after me, preferring to take her time to get ready and do her puzzles, while I just wanted coffee. 

"So you and Alyssa are together right?"

"Uh yeah, why?"

"Just checking. How long have you been together?"

"Almost 5 years."

"How did you meet?"

I looked at between Emily and Kelley, trying to figure out why I was being interrogated once again, about my relationship. At this point, I was pretty sure the team believed we were lying or something. "You know this already."

"We forgot."

Alyssa approached, giving me a quick smile which I returned, "Perfect timing. I'm being interrogated about our relationship again."

"Why?"

I shrugged, pushing Alyssa's breakfast in front of her receiving a quite thank you. I didn't answer Kelley's question, instead deciding to eat breakfast before it got cold. "Are you two being forced to be together?"

Both of our heads shot up at that. It was such a ridiculous question. There would be no logical reason for us to be pretending to be together especially considering we weren't public knowledge. I bit back my laugh before answering, "What? What makes you think that? Why would that be a thing?"

Emily shrugged, "You just don't seem to like each other like that."

"Go away Kelley," Alyssa mumbled before going back to her breakfast. I ignored her again, getting up for Alyssa's coffee instead. When I returned, Kelley and Emily were still there, giving Alyssa a suspicious look. I handed Alyssa the cup before sitting down again.

"Thank you love."

Emily narrowed her eyes at us, "Suspicious."

Alyssa rolled her eyes while I flipped Emily off. This whole thing was starting to get old. "Go eat your breakfast."

Later that day, we were back in our room, enjoying the time we had before practice. Alyssa was reading, while I lay in the sun on the balcony. I started to want cuddles. I wouldn't say I was clingy because it was true. We could spend hours doing completely different things. Sometimes though, I just craved touching or being held by her. I gave her a few minutes before calling out to her, knowing she would come to me without hesitation.

Alyssa groaned, but got up, slipped off her shirt and sat down behind me with my head in her lap. We met in the middle, lips connecting briefly before I wiggled around to get into a better position. Alyssa eyebrows raised, amusement shining in her eyes, "Comfortable?"

I smirked, lacing my fingers with hers that rest on my stomach, "Very. Do you like me Lyssa? Is someone forcing you to date me?"

"Not even a little bit. Don't you know I'm only with you for your body?" 

"That's what I thought. Maybe I should confess that I'm only with you for your abs."

She smirked at my response, "I had my suspicions. You're obsessed."

"Not my fault they're great abs."

Fingers ran through my hair as Alyssa leant down to kiss my forehead, "You know I love you right Y/n/n? I don't want you to ever doubt that because I don't show you affection in public."

"You know how I feel about PDA, I don't like it, I never have. I have never once doubted your love for me Alyssa and I hope you haven't doubted mine. I love you."

"Good. I have never doubted your love either."

---

Anger and worry coursed through me when I saw Alyssa go down. It was always my worst fear during games, but it didn't really happen during practice. I know we got competitive, there was no reason for it to happen during practice though. I ran up, kneeling beside her, hand grabbing hers, "Are you okay Lys?"

"This ones going to hurt," Alyssa winced, but quickly grabbed my arm when I turned to Rose who had taken her out. "Hey, it's not her fault, it was an accident. Go see if she's okay and be nice."

I took a breath to calm myself down before walking up to Rose. Rose started fidgeting nervously as I walked up to her, "Hey, are you okay Rose?"

"Y-yeah. S-sorry"

I hugged her, feeling her relax against me. Hugs weren't necessarily my favourite thing except when it was with Alyssa, but I knew Rose liked them and I didn't want her to feel bad. It wasn't actually her fault. "Rosie, it was an accident. Don't beat yourself up because of it, but maybe don't make a habit of taking out out keeper during practice, we kinda need her."

---

"You guys coming to dinner?"

"Uh yeah, just going to drop our stuff off."

Once we were in our room, Alyssa sat on the edge of the bed as I knelt behind her, arms wrapping around her shoulders loosely. She lent back against me with a sigh, kissing my hand. "Are you sure you're okay?"

"Think my shoulder might bruise, but I'm okay hun. Don't worry so much."

I lift her shirt over her head, lips meeting the spot that was already starting to bruise then moving around to her neck, cheek and lips, "You know I can't help worrying about you, even if it's a bit ridiculous."

Alyssa turned around, pushing me back and hovering over me, "Well, I'm the same so I can't really say anything. I love you Y/n/n."

I looped my arm around the back of her neck, pulling her down so I could peck her lips, "I love you Lys, but you need to get off cause we need to go down for dinner."

She rolled off me with one final kiss before standing up, "Fine."

"Shirt."

---

My eyes fluttered open to the feeling of lips being pressed to every part of my face and neck. I giggled, arms wrapping around her neck to bring her lips to mine. You wouldn't guess it, but Alyssa always kissed me softly, as if I was something precious. It honestly drove me crazy. 

Alyssa pulled away slowly, grin plastered across her face, "Happy anniversary love."

My grin matched her, as I pecked her lips, "Happy anniversary Lys. I love you."

We spent a little longer in bed than usual, lazy kisses and cuddles shared before reluctantly dragging our selves out of bed and into the shower. Unfortunately, we had training today so we couldn't give in to the clear desires we both had, instead rushing through the shower and downstairs before there was anymore temptation and we ended up late. 

Alyssa and I were discussing dinner plans when we walked into the meal room. We never went out on our anniversary, always staying in and just being with each other in the comfort of our own home. This year was different because we were in a hotel, but we would make do. Just as we sat down, Kelley sat across from us, our conversation ending as we waited for her to say something. "Do you guys even like each other? I mean you guys just seem so indifferent around each other, sure you talk and even joke around sometimes, but it's no different then if you were talking to team mates, we've never heard you talk about anything remotely relationship like."

My arm rest on the back of Alyssa's chair, playing with the baby hairs at the base of her neck. That wasn't a usual occurrence, but it was our anniversary. I was feeling a mix of different, slightly overwhelming emotions from love to happiness, and nerves from the fact I was proposing tonight. I just wanted to be close to her right now and the usual leg against mine wasn't enough. Alyssa must have sensed it because her hand rest on my thigh under the table, squeezing gently as I spoke, "Of course we do. We were literally just talking about our plans tonight for our anniversary."

"That was talk about your anniversary? It sounded like you were talking about grocery shopping."

"We were, but in relation to our anniversary."

"So what are you going to do for your anniversary?"

"Chill out in our hotel room. We never do anything big."

"Yeah okay. That tracks with the appearance of your relationship."

Alyssa had gone back to our room after training while I had gone to the store to pick up a few snacks to sneak in and some flowers for her. She always got me flowers so I wanted to return the favour for once. We were planning on ordering in and watching movies before likely ending the night doing inappropriate cuddling.  It was our favourite way to spend our anniversaries. Thankfully, we had an off day tomorrow so we could get away with it. 

After placing the bag down on the table, I called out for Alyssa, getting a response from the bathroom almost instantly. My arms wrapped around Alyssa when she emerged from the bathroom, leaving a lingering kiss against her lips. Her eyes dropped down to the bouquet in my hand, a small smile appearing. "This isn't your actual gift, but you always get me flowers so I thought it was my turn. Your gift is running late."

"They're beautiful, thank you Y/n/n. You know you didn't have to get me anything."

"I know, but you also always get me something despite me saying the same thing, therefore shut up."

Alyssa laughed, pushing me away gently and taking the flowers, "You speak to me so romantically my love."

I pulled her back into me, peppering her face with kisses, "I love you."

"I love you. I ordered dinner already, it should be here soon. Also here," Alyssa handed out a small wrapped box. Inside was a gold chain with a small keepers glove attached. It was something I had mentioned wanting, a way to have her close when she wasn't there physically. 

"You remembered. I love it Lys."

"Of course I did."

After a short make out session and dinner, we cuddled up in bed to watch a movie. Maybe 15 minutes had passed before I started getting restless. My focus dropped from the movie, instead playing with Alyssa's fingers. I never was the best at staying still. My mind soon drifted to the pool downstairs, it had been a while since I got to go and the urge was suddenly there.  

When I shifted position once again, Alyssa chuckled and paused the movie, "I've lost you haven't I?"

I grinned up at her, kissing her softly. Alyssa always knew me so well. "Do you want to go swimming? It's late so no one will be around."

Alyssa knew I loved swimming so she agreed pretty easily, after some teasing of course. We made our way down to the pool, both wearing tank tops and shorts. No one was around so it didn't matter what we wore. I jumped straight in, swimming around a bit while Alyssa sat on the edge of the pool. After a few minutes, I swam up between Alyssa's legs resting my arms on them as I lent up connecting our lips in a lingering kiss. 

"Come in."

"It's cold."

"Love, it's a heated pool."

"Okay fine, I just enjoy watching you swim around."

"But, if you come in then we can cuddle, kiss," My hand ran up the inside of her thigh, "Touch."

Alyssa instantly slid into the pool, arm wrapping around me and pulling me against her. "You're a tease."

My hands slipped under her tank top, nails scratching down her back and over her stomach, "It's only teasing if I leave it at that. Just wait until we get ba-"

A loud voice interrupted the moment, annoyance crossing Alyssa's face as she stepped back slightly, but didn't let me go. "Oh my god! They really are together."

I groaned, turning to glare at Emily and Kelley, "Fuck off and stop ruining our anniversary."

Once they were out of sight again, I pulled myself out of the pool, Alyssa rest on my legs as I had done earlier. "What are you doing?" 

I pulled the towel that I had hidden the little black box in closer. Inside was a a plain gold band with a round cut diamond. Alyssa didn't often wear jewelry and she liked simple things so I knew she would love it. "I have something for you."

"You waited until we were at the pool to give it to me?"

"Well it wasn't the original plan, but I got nervous." My fingers laced with hers, Alyssa looking up at me curiously. "Never in my life did I think I would fall for someone as hard or fast as I did with you. From the boring, quiet days at home spent doing housework or errands to the movie nights and dinner dates, I love living life with you. I love the adventures we've had, I love working with you, fuck, I just love being with you Alyssa. I look forward to every new day because I get to do it with you. With you by my side, anything is possible. This is a shit speech, but I'm nervous and you love me anyway."

Alyssa chuckled, tears already forming in her eyes before I revealed the little box. "I love you Alyssa, I love you so much more than I thought possible. I want to live life with you forever. With that being said, Alyssa Naeher will you marry me?"

Arms wrapped around my waist tightly, lips connecting with mine, in a soft, emotional kiss, "Yes, yes I will marry you Y/n."

I slipped the ring on her finger, connecting our lips again. Alyssa pulled away too soon for my liking, reaching for her own towel, pulling out a black box similar to the one I had moments before. Alyssa opened it, revealing a plain rose gold band with three small gems set into it. I soon realised it was both our birth stones and one I wasn't quite sure of. "You beat me to it, but will you marry me Y/n?"

"I suppose I can't say no seeing as I just gave you a ring."

Alyssa laughed, sliding the ring onto my finger before kissing me again. "These are our birthstones, what's this one?"

"When we first started dating."

"I love it, I love you."

A crash from behind us instantly caught our attention. About half the team stood there, sheepish smiles in place and a phone pointed in our direction. Seeing as they were caught, everyone started talking over each other, congratulations being thrown our way. I rolled my eyes, turning back to Alyssa. "Let's get out of here before they surround us. We have celebrating to do."

[lukascastelan]

Ok, so this is the wall, in my bedroom which consists of many many fandoms or just topics I have grown to enjoy over time. A couple are outdated considering now, but they were pretty special to me when painting it. The wall was finished in 2023 on June 15.

Many were made by printing the logos/designs on my printer, tracing the backs really hard in a pencil, and then firmly pressing each design onto the wall so I had a stencil of what I was coloring in. Many are just designs I found on the internet at the time and others are just logos or things I thought would be a good symbol for said fixation at the time.

Did I want it to look different at the beginning? Yes, originally it was going to be the symbols or main characters in one big collage but I realized that I have zero art skills and it wouldn't ever be accomplished so I made the design more simple and now I really like how it turned out.

Do I wish a few were different now because of time or lack of interest? Yes and no. Yes, because I either don't like a certain topic at all anymore or I just could have something that I think represents me more on there but for right now I'm okay with how it is. No, because I look at this wall every day of my life, and seeing a certain square can remind me of a specific time in my life that I really enjoyed and I love that feeling.

Do I think that some of the squares are a little cringe now over time and how I have changed as a person? Absolutely but I could never ever get myself to get rid of those ones because they might be looked upon as weird or cringe now but at the time they helped me get through so many tough times that I can't get myself to get rid of those.

A few of these squares will definitely be changed but at least 97% of them I love seeing every day because of the memories and good times. I love my wall and it represents what I've liked over the years and that's okay. You should be able to like what you want without being criticized for it, hell I've debated posting this because I was scared that people were going laugh at the things on there but to be honest? Let me laugh with you as I remember how that square I cringe on now or how that square I would defend with my life. Just be you, that's all.

What are the fixations that are on the wall, and do I still want them there? I'll tell ya starting from the top right corner.

863 - Youtube series (Keep)

Five Nights at Freddy's - Video game series (Keep)

Amphibia - Animated TV show (Keep)

Amulet - Graphic novel sereis (Keep)

Arcane - Animated TV show (Keep)

Bendy and The Ink Machine - Video game series (Keep)

Brooklyn 99 - TV show (Keep)

Carmen Sandiego - Animated TV show (Keep)

Chuckle Sandwich - Podcast (Keep)

Cuphead - Video Game (Keep)

DanTDM - Youtuber (Keep)

Compass South - Graphic Novel series (Keep)

Detroit Become Human - Video Game (Keep)

The Last of Us - Video Game series/TV show (Keep)

The Dragon Prince - Animated TV show (Keep)

Mandela Catalogs - Analog Horror series (Keep)

DreamSMP - Youtube/ Minecraft server (Depends, I always look back now and cringe at myself but then I remember how it was at the time and how it felt to me at the time. Probably keep though just because of how it got me through Covid and just a rough spot in general)

Droid - Youtuber (Keep)

Eddsworld - Youtube series (Keep)

Flash - I watched the TV show (Keep)

Harry Potter - Books/Movies (I honestly like Fantastic Beats movie spinoff more than the main books/movies. Idk why but this one might change over time or it'll stay, haven't really decided that yet, maybe)

Henry Danger - TV show (Keep)

Hilda - Animated TV show (Keep)

How to Train Your Dragon - Movies/Books/TV Show (Keep)

Infinity Train - Animated TV show (Keep)

Jurrasic Park - Movies/Books (Keep)

The Group Chat - Youtube group/Podcast (Keep)

Last Kids on Earth - Books/TV show (Keep)

Lucifer - TV show (Most likely change)

Marvel (Keep)

Merlin - TV show (Keep)

Minecraft - Video Game (Keep)

Star Wars - Movies/TV shows/books/etc. (Keep)

Ninjago - Animated TV show (Keep)

The Owl House - Animated TV Show (Keep)

Percy Jackson - Books/TV show/Movies (Keep)

Pokemon - Video game series, etc. (I really don't know why I put this on here, I was never a really big fan other than owning the cards so will probably change)

Sam and Colby - Youtubers (Keep)

The Walten Files - Analog Horror series (Keep)

Space Boy - Webtoon but I found it through the graphic novels (Keep)

Spongebob - Animated TV show (Keep)

Steven Universe - Animated TV show (Keep)

Stranger Things - TV show (Keep)

Subnautica - Video Game series (Keep)

Treasure Planet - Animated Movie (Keep)

Umbrella Acadamy - TV Show (Keep)

Voltron - Animated TV Show (Probably change because I never really got into it but binged it with my sister, liked it but not love)

Wings of Fire - Books/Graphic Novels (Keep)

Things I would want on the wall now

Transformers

Multiple Analog Horror series

Portal games (Though I painted my closet doors portal themed so I think it cancels out)

maybe some music albums but I have something like that in my room already

The Magnus Protocol

ONG might put Ao3 on there tbh

Some absolute BANGER webtoons

Some more recent YouTube series, animated of course

Over the garden wall was literally a fever dream but I loved it

OH lab rats and Mightty med I grew UP on those

Gravity Falls

More that I can't think of rn

Okay wow um I don't usually post this big but I really like my wall and just wanted to share it. Maybe I'll post some more stuff about my room that I like just because I'm proud of it.

Part 1(This one), Part 2

[wonderland-smile-stories]

~ Chapter 1. 04 ~

I apologize in advance for any spelling or grammar mistakes and how poorly written this fanfic is. English is not my first language and together with my dyslexia ass things can go wrong I'm sorry.

My head was bobbing to the music that was playing through my headset while I was finishing doing the dishes. The rest of the day went by normally. Nobody was weird and everything was just normal.

Normal is all I needed right now in my life with not too much stress.

I turned around to grab something from the counter when my ears began to ring. Grabbing my headset I took it off thinking it was that, but it was still there.

"What the hell," I mutter when it got louder before completely disappearing.

Great, put that on the list with the other things I have.

My phone went off that was on my couch making me snap out of whatever that just was. When I grabbed it I saw that it was Ji-su. She asked if I could come to her apartment because she wanted to let me hear something that she made for a song we were working on. I typed yes, but also said I needed to change first because I was still in the clothes I wore to work.

I took a grey long-sleeved shirt from the chair that I had in my room slipping it on before taking the black dress with spaghetti straps from the door where it was hanging. Taking my phone from the counter I walked to the door and put on my black covers.

The moment I walked out the door something felt wrong. The air was so thick that it almost was hard to breathe. I could feel my stomach turn telling me that something was off. I had had this feeling before. Every time I walked into the orphanage and it was so quiet I could feel that something was wrong or something bad would happen.

Most of the time I would be right because quickly afterward there would be a fight in the orphanage where someone would be in danger and whatnot. I'm pretty sure I developed it because I have had to be in survival mode my whole life there. I always had to look over my shoulder making sure I was safe.

Quickly I just shrug it off telling myself that it's all in my head and that I'm safe here. I came around the corner where the elevators were and saw Eun-hyuk standing there.

"Hey, going to work?" I asked grabbing his attention.

"Yeah. You?" He asked pressing the button for the elevator.

"I'm going to hang out with a friend that lives upstairs." He nodded looking away before talking again.

"Do you know how Eun-yu paid for her lessons?" I gave him a confused look.

"Why would I know that?" I asked with a laugh at the end.

"You two hang out a lot and I'm pretty sure you're the only one she talked to for the last couple of months." A frown came to my face at first, but then it hit me.

She told me she quit her lessons, but I guess she doesn't want him to know that. I didn't want to lie to him because he was also my friend.

"Eun-hyuk you are putting me in a tough spot here. If I tell you I would betray Eun-yu's trust, but I also don't want to lie to you. It's like asking to choose between you guys," I said scratching the back of my head.

A chuckle left his lips while he looked down before looking back up at me.

"I admire your loyalty to my sister and my friendship. It makes you a good friend, which she needs because she hasn't had one in a while. Maybe you could keep her out of trouble as well." I was happy that he understood what I meant.

"Do you also need a good friend right now? Seeing how you're always working and stuff. I haven't really seen you do other stuff than that," I admitted looking down while playing with my hands.

"You already are a good friend to me." He answers after a few seconds of silence.

I look back up at him seeing him smile at me.

"You're a lot over at our place and you don't ignore me like Eun-yu wanted you to do. We have fun conversations about old video games we used to play or really serious once when you have to wait on Eun-yu because she disappeared again." I let out a chuckle nodding my head.

I can't count on my hands how many times Eun-yu had disappeared in the evening. It always results in a worrying Eun-hyuk standing at my door asking if I know where she is. Most of the time I help him go look for her or try to call her because she would answer more likely to me than him.

"I'm happy you think about it that way," I answer truthfully.

"Can you just do two things for me?" He asked and in response, I nodded my head.

"Can you take care of her when I'm not around? She has the habit of getting in trouble and she needs someone to pull her back when she's going to do something, well stupid." I laugh knowing he was right.

After knowing her for a few months I know her ways to do it.

"The second one?"

"Can you tell me when she did something dangerous even if she asks you not to?" A frown came to my face while I bit on my lip.

If it were my sister I would be worried too and I would be happy if someone could tell me if everything is already with her.

"Yeah, I can do that."

He smiled at me before looking at the elevator.

"That's weird."

With a confused look, I looked at him.

"What?"

He looks up and down the elevator door before answering.

"The elevator isn't here yet. It should have been here a few minutes ago." Because of the talking, we hadn't noticed that any sound or movement was coming from behind the elevator door.

Looking to my right I saw what was wrong.

"Look, it's under maintenance. It's the stairs for us today." I look back at him and see him letting out a deep sigh putting his hands on his neck before looking back up.

"I guess you're right." I let out a laugh while we began to make our way to the stairs.

"So how are you doing lately? Are you still having those nosebleeds?" I didn't intend to tell anyone about it, but a few days ago I was over at their apartment in the evening because Eun-yu wanted my help with something.

When suddenly my nose began to bleed.

A lot.

I was used to it by then, but they weren't. I tried to stop it at first with the tissues she had in her room, but when she saw that it didn't stop she yelled for her brother who came rushing into the room because she never yelled for him. She yelled at him to do something pointing at me which he did. Having a brother who got into medical school is always handy. The bleeding stopped, but I fainted quickly afterward.

I woke up the next day in Eun-yu's bed with her looking down at me. The first thing she said was that I scared the shit out of her before asking me if I was okay. Of course, after that, I had to tell them about how it has been happening for a few days now, but that I have no idea why and that I'm okay.

Eun-hyuk wanted me to go to the hospital and let them check if everything was alright, which I quickly said no to. I don't really like people touching me. It brings back bad memories.

"I'm actually fine. I haven't had a nosebleed or fainted in a day or so now." Which was a miracle because I had them a lot.

"That's great. If it would have lasted any longer I would have taken you myself to the hospital. It could have been something really dangerous." It could be, but it's over now. It was probably related to stress. Seeing how the last couple of months have been before and right after moving here.

"Ooooh, does Lee Eun-hyuk care for someone else than his sister? Eun-yu was wrong and you are a human with feelings and not some super smart robot someone had created to annoy her." I laugh teasing him.

He tried to hide his smile, but I could see the corner of his mouth move.

"Honestly, that is probably one of the more friendliest things she has called me." I laugh nodding at him.

We said goodbye to each other when we finally reached the stairs, both going different ways. Before I took my first step up I turned around yelling his name.

"Eun-hyuk, she isn't in any danger."

A frown came on his face not knowing what I meant.

"Her lessons. She didn't do anything stupid so don't worry about it."

I began to walk up the stairs hearing him chuckle before walking down.

I know that Eun-yu is adopted. She had told me that a few months ago. It was one of the first times she opened up to me. She had shown me a picture of them when they were little with their parents. I knew their parents had died in a car accident, but she hadn't told me that it was because they were on their way to her ballet performance that she begged she could go to.

She talked about how she was an orphan and that now she had made Eun-hyuk an orphan too. I had tried to comfort her, telling her that it wasn't her fault and stupid shit like that happens. I tried, but she didn't believe me. Maybe that was the right time to say that I was one too, but I didn't want to talk about my problems when she had just opened up to me.

My feet stopped walking when I came to the fourteenth floor. The door was open, but the thing that made me stop was the smear of blood that was on it. With slow steps, I began to make my way to it. Did someone get hurt here? I haven't heard anything unusual when I was home.

Carefully poking my head out the doorway I try to see if someone was there.

There was only silence which made things worse. The bad feeling in my stomach returned the moment I stepped a foot into the hallway. Everything seemed normal until I almost slipped on something. Lifting my foot from the ground I saw more blood. I looked up and saw that it was a trail.

Someone who was hurt must have come through here. I bite my lip debating whether to just turn around and get the guard, but then the thought of him being exhausted came back. Taking just a look never hurts someone. If someone is hurt I just call someone for help. Walking beside the blood trail I began to follow it.

The smell of metallic became stronger the more blood I found on the floor. I halted in my tracks when my ears began to ring again. It wasn't like the last time. This time it hurts my ears making me cover them with my hands thinking that they will begin to bleed. It lasted a few seconds before it died down.

Slowly I moved my hands from my hands afraid I would see blood, but there was nothing on them.

"What the hell?" I mutter out taking deep breaths.

My body spun around when I heard a sound from behind me. It sounded like someone was in pain, letting out a low groan.

"Hello? Do you need help?" I was about to make my way back from where the sound came from when someone stepped from behind the corner I just come from.

It was a girl, that was for sure, but the rest of her body was kinda hiding in the shadows because the light above her was broken.

"Hey, are you okay?"

A loud squeal came from her before I heard her voice.

"I'm so hungry." To my surprise, it sounded like the girl I bumped into today.

"Uhm, I don't have anything with me?" I said confused.

I didn't know if the blood was coming from her because she was so hidden in the dark, but when my eyes traveled down her hands I saw something dripping from her hands.

"So hungry."

She took a step forward, making me take a step back not trusting the situation at all.

My eyes widened when I saw her completely now. Her face was covered in blood around her mouth and nose. The blood was definitely coming from her. My body completely tensed up when I saw her hands. They were completely covered in a grey tint that was underneath the blood together with some black vines going up her arm.

I even think that her nails seemed longer than normal humans.

"I'm hungry."

I took a few steps back when her croaky voice came out.

"J...just stay there." I managed to get out my lips.

The girl let out a groan taking more steps forward. How can this be real? She doesn't look human at all. Is she pranking me because of earlier?

"I....I'm sorry I called you a bitch!" I yelled out taking faster steps backward.

My words didn't seem to go through her. My feet stepped on something crunchy, making me stop walking scared I stepped on something she had killed. My body froze completely when she began to charge at me with a loud chilling yell.

I braced myself for what she would do to me when there was the sound of a door opening beside me, a second later someone grabbed my arm pulling me away just seconds before the girl could get to me.

Previous Chapter ~ Next Chapter

——————————————-

Hey guys! I hope you guys are liking the story so far! A lot more chapters are coming! I’m going to update this every other day! So it’s going to be a long ride on this one!

[scrubbinn]

Slime HRT 4 Months: Sunset & Sunrise

Content warning: Dark tone, Family trauma

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 I'm writing this a bit sooner than I thought. I don't actually want to write this out, but everyone keeps telling me I'll feel better if I express my feelings. To be honest to myself, I really hope that's the case, I could really use a pick-me-up. 

So I ended up talking with my family. Telling them everything. Not like I could hide it anymore, now that my hair is made of goo. I guess I can write about that first. Might be nice for a bit to just think about myself. I woke up last Sunday to find my hair a lot heavier than normal, it was already pretty gooey, with strands of hair sticking together or just kinda always being wet. It also felt a lot more rough than before, I could find split ends everywhere, everyday. That night though, the change in my body sped into overdrive. I woke up to find some of my hair giving way and sticking to my pillow. It's really weird, like those sandy soaps made of a bunch of spheres. It made it feel like I was wearing a pile of clay on my head. It also suds up super fast. Just a bit of water and my hair turns into a perm of soap bubbles. It doesn't have a smell but it gave me an idea. Plucking some lavender I was growing outside, I stuck some in my hair, after a couple hours my house flooded with the scent of that purple plant. I definitely put too much in, way too overpowering. Still, it's super cool to be able to change my scent. so now I've been looking into soap making recipes, after all, might as well take advantage of it.

But with every upside, there's a bunch of downsides too. Nothing physical of course, well besides the fact there's no way I could pass off sandy sky-blue sludge as normal hair no matter how many hats I put on, and Sundays just happen to be the day that my family likes to get together for brunch. I still haven't told them, I just couldn't. They wouldn't get it. I knew they wouldn't get it. So I made the decision to call my mother, to let her know I was feeling sick and I couldn’t make it. That's all it was supposed to be, just that. But when that phone call was about to end, when she told me she loved me I…

Everything spilled out at that point. It felt like it wasn't even me talking, I just had to sit there trapped in this wrong, wrong, wrong body as words and emotions poured out of my mouth that I didn't have a faucet to turn off. I don’t really even remember what I said, but I know what I told her, what I was doing, the pain I was going through, and the plea for forgiveness. She didn’t speak, not for a while at least. Then I heard it. The three words I didn’t want to hear, before she even spoke I could feel myself mentally barricading myself away from the inevitable blast my psyche was about to receive. “Are you sure?” 

Are you sure?? ARE YOU SURE?! What did that even mean??? Am I sure of what I’m doing? Am I sure everything will go alright? Am I sure I want to smash every mirror that gets near me? No. I knew what she was asking. It was all of them. It was every question. Are you sure it’s safe? Are you sure you can handle the harassment? Are you sure you want to hurt me and the people around you because of this? Maybe that last one isn’t fair to her. I don’t know. It felt like she said it.

I remember that night, when I told my mother I was trans. I was still living with her at that time. She asked the same question, and I told her yes. We talked for a while after that as I explained more of it to her, but when I climbed up to my bedroom, and when I looked back, her face was in her hands, and she had started to cry. She later admitted to me that she was terrified of possible persecution and the hate I’d get by simply existing. But that image was still stuck in my head, I don’t think I’ll ever forget it. I don’t expect to ever forgive it, and I could tell as I sat in my bed, holding my medication close, she had her head in her hands, holding back tears as she told me she loved me. I just apologized, I don’t know what for. I just felt like I had to. I said that I loved her, she said it again, and I hung up.

I spent the next few hours dissociating in my bed. Simply trying to stop thinking about how badly that all went. Bottling up every emotion I could get my hands on while the others I couldn’t reach in time became tears. It also turns out that goo for hair is really hard to maintain when under a lot of stress. When I came to, most of my hair had fallen onto my bed sheets. Spent way too much time scrubbing it out the scent of lavender. I don’t think I can stand that scent anymore. At least my new hair regrew quickly during my tea break. I don’t really know if writing all this helped. Maybe I’ll just have to sleep on it.

After I cleaned myself up, I spent the rest of the day ignoring my mental health. I just sat on my computer staring at a bunch of games I didn't want to play, and a bunch of videos I didn't want to watch. I sorta just stared at my monitor until I realized I had gotten around ten notifications from friends asking if I was doing alright. My girlfriend had messaged me before the phone call with my mother, and after not receiving a message for six hours, she started to get worried. She practically forced me into a voice call and wanted to make sure I was doing alright, I lied and said I was, she didn't believe me and didn't pry further. We talked for a while until I brought up the phone call on my own. Then she told me she loved me, and said she'd be there for me always. She stayed with me the entire time, as I started crying again, and she let me cry, waited patiently, and then asked if I wanted to watch some silly videos. I really did. Sometimes it's really hard to remember there's still people that do care about you. I'm sure my mother cares in her own way, even if she's not aware how much it messed me up. I don't know how things will go in the future, if there's going to be even more pain. But I think I'll be ok, at the very least there are people who can pick me up when I can't keep running, people who will slow down and walk with me. I'll be ok, I'm gonna run to see what the future holds.

Update: So, I'm not really sure how to say this. Writing about yesterday really helped me out so maybe today will help as well. I was working my shift today, construction work, and my legs suddenly gave out under me while I was carrying a heavy frame. It was like my bones just bent, and I couldn't stand up right. I basically got flattened but there weren't any serious injuries Or anything. My bones weren't broken, no bad cuts, just what's definitely going to be a lot of bruising. I got forced to take some extended medical leave. Paid of course, but I guess this means the next few months are just going to be focused on my changes while I wait around in bed. Which is good, I could use a change of pace.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Start - Prev - Next

Mention list: @a-shramp

[canirove]

Rice, Rice, baby | Chapter 16

Previous chapter | Next chapter

Masterlist

“Liv, you seriously didn't have to buy them anything for Christmas.”

“I’m their favourite aunty, Kennedy. I had to get them something” I say while watching one of the twins try to eat the wrapping paper from one of the presents. “Besides, thinking about what to get them and then going shopping has been one of the most joyful things I've done lately. Who knew buying kids’ stuff could be therapeutic?” I chuckle.

“How are you?” Kennedy asks me. “Like, truly.”

“I have good days and bad days” I shrug. “But the good days have begun to overcome the bad ones.” 

And that started just a couple of weeks after what happened between me and Declan in my car. Because what did he do? Make it Instagram official that he and the singer were dating. And what did I do? Have the biggest breakdown known to history.

When Alex showed me their joint post during our lunch break (kind of lame to announce it like that, but who am I to judge), I felt as if the hole in my chest had started to grow at lightning speed, swallowing me completely. I wanted to cry, to scream, to hit something. And I did all that at Tottenham's gym, where I ran to hide myself, and where Micky found me.

“Liv, what are you doing?”

“Looking for something I can hit!” I yell.

“Why?”

“Do you seriously have to ask why?” I laugh.

“Declan…”

“Yes. Him” I say, kicking a yoga mat and making the ones standing next to it fall.

“If you want to hit something, why don't you try this?” Micky says. “It's less harmful, gets the job done, and they won't fire you for destroying the gym.”

“What?” I say, turning around.

“This” he says, holding some boxing gloves. “It has helped me in the past and I think it can help you too.”

That first day all I did was cry and scream while he held the punching bag, letting all my anger go. But when I woke up the next day, my arms feeling so sore I could barely move them, I noticed that the hole was a tiny bit smaller. So I started to meet with Micky in the gym when we both were free, him teaching me how to properly box while I felt like every punch was closing the hole a bit more. 

“I'm glad to hear that” Kennedy says. “But you aren't looking that good.”

“Uh?”

“We have matching bags under our eyes, Liv. And last time I checked, you didn't have three children that drove you crazy” she chuckles. “Are you sleeping well?”

“I mean… I'm sleeping a lot more than usual, even taking naps throughout the day. But I still feel tired, it's a weird feeling.”

“Not so weird. I felt like that when… Nah, it can't be.”

“What can't be?”

“I felt like that before I knew I was pregnant with Leo. But it doesn't make any sense because you haven't been with anyone since before the summer, have you?”

“Yeah, that doesn't make any sense” I reply, not really answering her question. “It probably is just stress from these days.” 

Too much work, then the training with Micky after not working out for ages, the fact that I'm still emotionally healing, that I'm having to spend Christmas with Alex and his family when things keep being weird between us… That has to be it. 

“You could always ask one of the team's doctors to run some tests if that makes you feel better.”

“Nah, there is no need. I'm fine” I smile. “Do you want me to help you with bath time and putting them to bed?”

“Yeah, sure. You take care of Leo, I'll take care of the twins” Kennedy says. But there is something in the way she's looking at me, that tells me that she won't forget so easily about the conversation we just had.

━━━━━━❃━━━━━━

“Liv, wait” Madders says behind me.

“Hey” I reply, turning around. “Doctor Smith?” 

“Hello” he smiles. 

“Great, you know each other.”

“Of course we do, Madders. He works with my dad, remember?”

“Oh, yes. Silly me” he chuckles. “Anyway, he has something to tell you.”

“Me?”

“Your dad and James have mentioned that you've been going through a rough patch and they are worried it may have affected your physical health. That's why they've asked me if I could run some tests and make sure everything is fine.”

Kennedy. She told Madders, of course she did! This is what her look from yesterday meant!

“That's very kind of you, but there is no need.”

“C'mon, Liv. It'll be just a blood test and maybe a peepee one, right?”

“Peepee?” I laugh.

“You know that's how Leo says it and now I do it too without thinking” he shrugs. “But that'll be it, won't it, doctor?”

“Just the basics” he says.

“I'm fine, James. Maybe a bit stressed, but fine” I insist. “It'll pass after the holidays, you'll see.”

“But what if it doesn't?”

“Then I'll say yes to those tests.”

“Promise?”

“Yes, I promise” I sigh. “Now can I please go home? My mum wants me to help her clean around the house, we are hosting this year.”

“Ok, fine. But we have Doctor Smith as our witness. If after Christmas you are feeling like shit…”

“He can run those tests.”

━━━━━━❃━━━━━━

“You didn't have to wait with me, Madders.”

“What kind of older brother would I be if I left you alone?”

“The not annoying one?”

“Meh, meh, meh” he replies, sticking out his tongue.

I had had to do it. I had had to get the tests done. And why? Because during Christmas things hadn't improved. 

I felt sick most mornings, and by dinner time I was so tired I could barely keep my eyes open. All I wanted to do was to lay down in my bed while watching period dramas and wish I got to dress like a princess. Oh, and speaking of periods… Mine was nowhere to be found. Which has only made the tiny voice that has been in my head since Kennedy told me she had felt this tired when she was pregnant, get louder and louder.

But me having all these symptoms could be just stress. I googled it and it matches. So it has to be that, not that Declan had better aim than all the strikers in the Premier League together after just one time not using any kind of protection. 

“Isn't it taking them too long? He said he'll have the results by the end of the day.”

“Maybe they were busy with other stuff” Madders says, resting his hand on my leg and stopping it from moving like crazy. 

“Or maybe there is something wrong with me.”

“Liv, no. Don't you dare going there.”

“Then why hasn't he called us yet? Why…” 

“Oh, there you are” Doctor Smith says, opening the door of his office. “Sorry for making you wait, but the system went down and it took it a while to recover and allow us to log in.”

“See?” Madders whispers.

“Please come in, Olivia. You can wait here, James.”

“Can't he come with me?” I ask.

“I would prefer to talk with you in private” the doctor says. That's it. There is something wrong with me, I'm dying. Or worse. My suspicions are right. “But if it makes you feel more comfortable…”

“It does. Thank you” I say, holding Madders' arm as if my life depended on it. Which can very well be the case. 

“Ok, so” Doctor Smith says once we are sitting down in his office. “All the tests came back perfect, but…”

“But?” I ask, grabbing Madders hand and squeezing it so hard I fear I may break it.

“Olivia… You are pregnant.”

[maximoff-pan]

you, me, and the destruction | eddie munson

summary: 4 times eddie makes you want to die (metaphorically of course) and one time he makes you want to live

pairing: eddie munson x fem!reader

word count: 7k

warning(s): some swears, angst, mentions of death, definitely canon divergent (please don't come for me)

a/n: another 4 + 1, who could’ve guessed? I really, really struggled with this one, but I haven't written or posted a ton lately, so I thought why not... I do hope you enjoy, but I apologize because I know this will likely be difficult to follow along with/make no sense whatsoever, so if you make it through to the end, thank you!

Eddie Munson makes you want to die. 

Not like a funny and jokingly crude ‘ha ha you make me wanna hurl myself into the sun’ kinda die, but like a dead serious ‘if you don’t shut up I’m going to commit mass murder and it’s going to be your fault’ kinda die. He’s that irritating. (You say that both seriously and affectionately, because your opinion of him has certainly changed over the last little while)...

But it’s an interesting concept to consider when you break it down, just how aggravating he can be. Sometimes you wonder where he gets it from; who could have possibly created this freak? And then you remember who his friends are, and it all makes sense. 

Blood didn’t create him, they did. Although quite frankly, it was entirely mutual; they created each other. A mass of freaks fighting imaginary monsters.

Until one day, those monsters weren’t imaginary. And one day, you found yourself at Eddie Munson’s mercy. 

...It’s safe to say you’d known about the Upside Down for as long as the rest of your friends had, you’d been in on the insanity since the beginning. So, as you’d expect, it’s pretty hard to surprise you with anything. But when Eddie got accused of murder, and was dragged into the shit storm you call your life (again), he took it immensely well. Almost too well for someone whose livelihood was on the line. 

“You’re so fucking weird.” You’d said to him in disbelief and he’d smiled. 

“Pot, kettle.” He’d gestured to himself, and then to you with a grin. 

Those had been the first words you’d spoken to him since you’d been close friends a couple of years ago. It was also the first moment the ice started to melt between you and the first moment you'd allowed yourself to think about what you used to be.

The next moment followed shortly after. A trip through the Upside Down does that to you, creates bonds with the people you’d least expect. And as irritating as he was, that’s what you became: irrevocably bonded. Although, you’d still have your fair share of disagreements to come. 

The moment it all began to change is something you’ll never forget. It started off innocent; you’d thrown an effortless joke in the air trying to brighten the atmosphere of the group, when all of a sudden, you felt a sharp pain in your right shoulder. 

You recall turning to Steve in shock the second after Eddie had saved you from a group of demobats, completely gobsmacked. He’d just fucking jumped in front of you, no questions asked, with no regard whatsoever for his own well being. 

Fuck. You remember thinking. You were not about to be indebted to Eddie Munson. Not devastatingly ethereal Eddie Munson. Not your childhood-best-friend-turned-virtual-stranger Eddie Munson. But by God did you owe him your life. 

Once over the initial panic, even Steve had cracked up over the look on your face, not used to seeing you unsure of what to do. So, he did what he thought was best, nudging you with a blunt shove towards the man in question. 

“You're welcome.” Eddie had mumbled with a pouting huff. “‘S’not like I could’ve just died doing that or anything.” In your state, you’d been too stunned to say anything, let alone thank him. But you could understand where he was coming from. 

And it was cute, the way he grumbled, feeling underappreciated for his act of bravery. You’d managed to put aside your past differences, and your ultimate shock – because who knew Eddie had that in him – to eventually give him a solid pat on the back. Like a good, new, old friend(?) would. 

It was a weird feeling to get used to, you’d thought. ‘Hey man, thanks a million for saving my life and all…it’s not like I totally thought you hated me two minutes ago???’ 

You’d managed something a little more mature than that, approaching him with an edge of nervousness. Since when had he ever made you feel nervous? 

“I am grateful you know.” You’d surprised yourself with the sincerity that seeped from your tone. “You’re pretty cool Munson…much cooler than anyone gives you credit for.”

You could’ve sworn you’d seen him blush. And it was his turn to sheepishly admit your kindness meant something to him. You used to be everything to him after all, even if you had only been dumb teens. 

He’d rubbed at the back of his neck with a soft upturn of his lips. “Thanks.”

That was the day your relationship with Eddie started to become something again, not just acknowledgements of preconceived notions that you’d had about each other previously. But something real. Although, it didn’t change the fact that he was both entirely aggravating and also made you want to die sometimes. 

•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•

EXHIBIT A of Why Eddie Makes You Want to Die:

He just has to be right, all the time, even if it means crossing boundaries and using whatever leverage he has on you (but it’s all to protect you, so that makes it okay, right?)

“No.” Eddie cuts you off. “I won’t even consider that.”

“Eddie.” Steve sighs. He doesn’t like this plan either, but it’s the only one that makes sense. “She should be the one to go.”

“No.” He repeats. This time more adamant. He’s not about to let you walk into Creel House alone, especially not after what happened to Chrissy. 

“It’s the only way.” You try to reason, but he’s not having any of it. You roll your eyes at his bravado; who the hell does he think he is?

You feel like Eddie’s eyes are burning holes through your body, if they could widen any further you’re sure they’d pop right out of his skull. “I’m not gonna let you put yourself in danger like that…no way.”

You scoff, shaking your head in disbelief. “You’ve been back in my life all of a couple of days, and now you want to act like you have some kind of say?” 

Ouch. He recoils at the statement. Maybe you both had more to resolve than you’d thought.

“What’s that supposed to mean?” He asks, tone edging on anger.

“I’m not the one who walked out of your life Eddie.” You say, and from beside you, you can see the grimace that has made its way onto Steve’s face. He’s the only other person who knows the extent of your history. Everyone else simply has the cliff notes.

“That’s not fair and you know it.” Eddie bites back.

“Not fair?” You want to scream at him so badly, tear him a fucking new one. “Christ! You don’t see me telling you what you can and cannot do, especially considering you seem to love putting yourself in danger.”

“I saved your life!” He exclaims. “Remember that? Or was that too idiotic for you?”

And he’s right, he has you there. It’s infuriating… Even when he’s wrong, he’s right. 

“I never asked you to do that.” It’s unappreciative, sure, but it’s the only thing you can think to say in your state of frustration. 

“Fine.” He relents. “You’re right.”

Your brows pull together in discomfort. “That’s not—Eddie—”

“No.” He stops you, eyes daring you to overstep. “You’re right. I didn’t save you because you wanted me to, or because you needed someone to protect you. I saved you because I wanted to. Because I fucking need you! Is that what you wanna hear?” His voice breaks the louder it gets, and you’re stunned. It feels like things escalated so quickly, and yet you know it’s been building for years. 

“Even after all this time…” he continues, the crack in his armor growing with each second, “because I’m selfish, and I couldn’t just watch you die. Not like her.”

Realization dawns on you. You’d forgotten all about it; how he’d watched Chrissy die. Survivor’s guilt is written all over his face, he’s begging for some kind of relief from it. And despite your differences, he still cares about you more than you can understand.

He’s right. Again. 

He may have leveraged saving your life to prove it, but that doesn’t reverse what he did to protect you. 

“I’m sorry.” He says. It comes out pained, nearly a whisper. “If I could go back…”

He doesn’t finish the sentence, but you know. You nod at him, a representation of a silent acknowledgment and acceptance of his apology, and an agreement to work on whatever this is. Whatever it may become. 

And in that moment, it’s the heartbroken look in his gaze that has you feeling so shitty. Like death had whipped out a pitchfork and stabbed you in the back.

Eddie Munson has much more control over you than you’d once thought, even more so now that he’s seemingly back in your life for the long haul. Because if you’re sure of anything, it’s that he’s not going to let you go. Not after what you’ve just been through.

•°��°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•

EXHIBIT B of Why Eddie Munson Makes You Want to Die:

He makes stupid assumptions without thinking them through, especially when it comes to your friendship (but you do too, so that makes it okay right?)

If someone had told you one month ago that Eddie would walk back into your life, you would have laughed them out of Hawkins. 

The way your friendship had ended the first time had left things tense between you, and you weren’t sure if there was anything left to be salvaged. But after surviving what you had in the summer of ‘86 baby, as Eddie had called it, you’d promised to try and make it work.

So you did. As of now, you’ve spent the last number of weeks hanging out with your collective group of world saving friends, bonding over shared trauma and all the things that come with it. And that includes repairing your relationship Eddie. As hard as that has been.

Because while you know he’s genuine, and he wants to be on good terms as much as you do, it’s not easy to forgive and forget. 

But despite your fears, you’ve started spending time together one on one, no one else there to buffer the tension. Dustin had recommended it, a weekly movie night to get you more comfortable with each other, and to hopefully hash things out properly. In the interest of friendship, Henderson had quipped, because even he could see there were things between you that had been left unsaid. 

And while there are moments here and there where you want to throw yourself out your bedroom window because Eddie is being so fucking insufferable, or you want to build a wall of protection around yourself again because you’re afraid of what trusting him will do to you, there are also moments where you remember just how much you once loved him. 

This, tonight, is not one of those moments. 

“Can we talk?” Eddie clicks the pause button on the remote, leaving Marty McFly’s incredulous expression and his famous ‘“Wait a minute, Doc. Are you telling me you built a time machine…”’ frozen in a motionless frame.

It feels ominous, but you don’t verbally object. “Okay.” You nod, although it’s dark, so you’re not sure he can see you. You’re almost hoping he can’t.

He releases a sigh, something that sounds like he’s been holding onto it for a long time. “I wanna talk about how things ended between us.” He says as he reaches over to flick on the lamp in your living room. 

“We can do that.” Apprehension is floating in the cadence of your tone. Things were just starting to become normal again…it feels like a bit of a risk to dig up your past like this. Not that you have much of a choice in the matter. 

You’re more than aware that Eddie’s been eager to talk about it. It’s you who’s been avoiding this for weeks, despite knowing how inevitable and needed this conversation is. You just don’t want to ruin the trust you’ve been rebuilding. 

“Where do you want to start?” You pose, giving him control of the situation.

“I guess,” he fiddles with the rings on his fingers, “I want to start by apologizing again.”

“You don’t have to do that.” You protest. Since he’s been back, he’s done nothing but apologize a million times over. And the more he does, the more feelings it stirs up. 

“No, I do.” He states. “I’m sorry. I never should have done that to you. I never should have shut you out like that.”

His eyes hold so much sincerity, it almost makes you want to cry. “It’s uh–” you struggle to get the words out. You don’t want to relive it, nor do you want to admit the part you played in it. Because it’s much easier to make him the villain than to implicate yourself in this web of chaos you’ve spun yourself.

Though, it’s time for you to admit your responsibility. A friendship doesn’t end just because of one person. You gave up too, as difficult as that is to admit. “It’s not your fault.” You say sadly. “I know it seems like I put all the blame on you for what happened to us, but I’m just as responsible as you.”

Eddie smiles sadly in remembrance. He’s pretty sure he knows where you’re going with this. “If you’re going to apologize for not coming to my band’s first concert when you were sixteen, that’s so not something you need to apologize for. Honestly, that’s not even why I was mad.”

At the time he had been pretty pissed, so he can see why you’d be worried about it, though you needn’t be.

Your lips purse in thought. “I’ve regretted that decision for three years. To me, that was the beginning of our end. And I was the one who started it.”

“(Y/n), c’mon.” He shakes his head. “You can’t blame yourself for that. It had nothing to do with anything.” It really didn’t. The root of your problems was much bigger, and much darker. 

You puff out a strangled breath of air, tone dead serious.“But I deserve to.” You state. “I was a pretty horrible friend to you. You’d been talking about that show for weeks, and I wasn’t there to support you, especially after all the times you’d been there for me.” 

Especially after I saw what hides in the shadows, and I changed. The thought sits on the edge of your tongue, another one left unsaid. 

A softness rests on his face as he reaches over to place a comforting hand on your arm. He picks up on your implication. “If I knew what you were going through, I could have been there for you more. Instead, I abandoned you, all because of some stupid misunderstanding.”

The look of confusion that crosses your face is unmistakable. “I’m not sure I follow.” You genuinely thought that concert had been the catalyst.  

He tilts his head with a grimace. “Steve didn’t tell you?”

Eyebrows raised in curiosity, you tread carefully. “Harrington’s told me nothing. I couldn’t be any more clueless.” 

“Oh.” Eddie sighs. “I thought for sure you knew about it.”

You shake your head, jaw clenched. “No.” You pull back your hand from his touch, turning to sit cross-legged on your couch. “But I'm getting the feeling I'm missing something pretty big..." You meet his gaze sharply. "Is Steve the reason you stopped being my friend?”

Eddie’s eyes widen. You sound so serious it almost scares him. “No.” He’s quick to say. “Not exactly.”

“So he is involved?”

“Sort of.” He utters trying to backtrack. “It’s stupid now that I think about it.”

Your gaze narrows. “Eddie. If it was enough to end our friendship, it wasn’t stupid.”

The air in the room feels like it’s thickening with every breath you take. What could Steve have possibly done to influence him? 

“You can tell me Ed.” Your voice is firm but comforting. “I promise I won’t get mad.”

He swallows the lump in his throat, a little apprehensive, but abides by your request. “It was on a Tuesday in December — I remember because of how cold it was, and because of everything that was happening with Will, after he’d seemingly come back from the dead  — and I heard you and Harrington talking.”

You nod, following along. “I remember that day too.” Your voice is laced with sadness. That was the day your friendship started to crumble. 

“I hated him back then. So much so, I almost wanted to kill the guy.” He asserts. “And then I saw you with him, how comfortable you were with each other, and I couldn’t believe you could even be around him like that after everything he’d put us through.” 

“Oh, Eddie.” You say. Steve had never done much directly to hurt you, but he’d also never stopped his friends from inflicting their cruelty. He was a bystander to the pain they caused, with the power to end it all. And that made Eddie despise him.

He smiles sadly. “I remember Steve telling you that you could never say anything about it to me.” He places the ‘it’ in air quotes. “I didn’t have the context I do now, but he was so serious about it. I figured you were dating or something and he didn’t want me to find out about it, because he knew–”

He knew how I felt about you. He wants to say, but doesn’t. 

“And the way he hugged you. I felt sick.” Eddie continues. “I couldn’t understand it. And then after that day, you started pulling away from me…I know now it was because you were trying to protect me from everything, but back then,” he pauses for a moment. “I thought it was my fault.”

“Oh, God.” You feel like you’re going to cry. Hearing his side of the story is like putting all the pieces of a thousand piece puzzle together for the first time. “It was never your fault Eddie. You have to know that.”

He nods slowly in understanding. It’s crazy what hindsight can do. “I knew you were hiding something, I just didn’t know it was that big. And so, like an idiot, I let Jeff convince me you were just like everyone else…” He stops for a moment to collect his breath. A tear escapes; you watch as it rolls down his cheek. “And then I cut you off.”

“Hey.” You reach for him, pulling him gently into a hug. You snake your arms around his back, letting his head rest on your shoulder as you hear him begin to cry. “It’s okay. It’s okay.” You soothe. “We’re okay.”

This isn’t the first time you’ve seen Eddie cry, but it certainly hurts the most. Despite everything you’d put each other through, you’d never want him to feel this way. 

“I’ve got you.” You murmur softly. “Always and forever, yeah?” 

Your utterance of the promise you had made to each other as little kids stirs something in his chest. You’d promised to always be friends. 

He lets out a half chuckle, half sob as he pulls himself back to meet your gaze. Your eyes search his; they’re filled with so much worry and so much love, Eddie feels whole. 

“Always and forever.” He whispers. 

And maybe this can be the start of a new beginning. A new kind of trust that is undeniably raw, but stronger than it has ever been. 

•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•

EXHIBIT C of Why Eddie Munson Makes You Want to Die: 

He makes your heart stop at the strangest of moments (but you want him to, so that makes it okay right?)

“You’ve gotta be kidding me Harrington.” The sound of Eddie’s voice pulls you out of your thoughts, and has you abandoning your assigned task of reshelving all of Family Video’s recently returned movies.

It’s been a couple months since you’d finally talked about everything, and honestly, things have been much better since. You’d gotten a job working with Robin and Steve, and weekly movie nights with Eddie have been going strong. Sometimes you just talk, and it’s really nice. 

“Sorry man.” Steve’s tone is anything but sorry. He’s leaning against the front till, an exasperated Eddie waiting on the other side. “I couldn’t hold onto it for you. Keith has been on my ass about not withholding the merchandise from customers just because my friends wanna see ‘em.”

“What’s this about?” You step into the conversation out of curiosity.

Robin chuckles. “Eddie’s been trying to get a copy of Top Gun again.”

“For weeks! I’ve been asking for weeks!” Eddie groans. “But Harrington’s butter fingers keep letting it slip from my grasp.” 

You smile at the remark. Your friendship with Steve has managed to stay intact, despite your discovery of his involvement in ending your relationship with Eddie. The night of your big breakthrough, you’d later found out that Steve had told Eddie to keep his distance from you, ‘if you know what’s good for you Munson’, Steve had threatened him…which when you’d found out, it had you seeing red. Eddie had assured you that Steve was only looking out for you, but at the time, it had been quite difficult for him to understand. 

Unbeknownst to Steve though, you’ve both forgiven him. ‘He doesn’t even need to know.’ You’d agreed. It was better to keep him in the dark than to create problems where they didn’t need to exist. 

“Hey, I’m just following orders.” Steve feigns innocence, arms raised in defense.

“Since when have you ever followed orders?” Robin questions, surprised. 

Fingers tapping the counter in amusement, you smirk. “Since he scored a date with some hot blonde who works at the arcade –who’s totally smokin’ by the way, nice job –” you send Steve a smug nod, “and he needs the money to take her out.”

“Ergo,” Steve muses, “I can’t afford to get fired.” 

“Pathetic.” Eddie tuts. “I can’t believe you’re doing this all for some girl.” He winks at you in amusement and you stifle a laugh. 

Steve’s honey orbs catch yours for a moment before he speaks, “Like (Y/n) said, this girl happens to be totally smokin’—way outta my league—and I’m not about to get myself fired and lose my only source of income just so you can hoard Top Gun from the rest of Hawkins.”

“Hoard?” Eddie’s voice is on the verge of being shrill. “I haven’t even seen the movie once!”

“Oh, well in that case…” Steve trails sarcastically. At Eddie’s dejected gaze he relents, “I am sorry though, truly.” He’s not even a little sorry.

“No no, I get it. I just thought our friendship meant more to you.” Eddie mocks pure disappointment. “I guess I was wrong.”

He almost pulled the ‘after everything we’ve been through’ card, but decided against it. Eddie’s saving that for when he really needs it. 

You snicker at the interaction, adding fuel to the fire, “Whatever happened to the sanctity of bros before hoes Harrington?” 

“Ah, my dear (Y/n). Clearly Steve here has lost any semblance of loyalty to the bro code.” Robin chimes in. “He’s got babes on the brain.” She wiggles her fingers mockingly. 

“How tragic.” Is your response. 

Steve scoffs at the remark, unimpressed. “Hey, it’s not like I’m the only one that works here.” He says. “If you were smarter,” he directs to Eddie, “you’d have asked either of them to put their neck out on the line to hold onto it for you.”

“We are more reliable.” You agree.

Robin grins. “And I don’t need this job that bad.” She states teasingly. “Plus, I fucking hate Keith, so even if I did need this job, I’d risk it to piss him off…”

Eddie laments adamantly. “You jest, but this is a big deal!” 

And it almost makes you laugh how serious he is about it, because the rest of you couldn’t give a damn about the ability to get your hands on Top Gun. Sure, it’s a good movie, and sure, you’d be happy to watch it again, but you’re not that eager. If he’d wanted to watch it that badly, he probably should have just asked. 

It’s not like you work in the movie store or anything…quite honestly, you’d swiped a copy off of Keith a few weeks ago and had forgotten to bring it back. Eddie could have watched the movie twenty times over if he’d bothered to say anything to you. 

In amusement of that fact, this is the moment you decide to reveal the information that could have ended this conversation minutes ago. 

“Would this be a bad time to tell you that I have a copy of the movie at home?”

“You–what?” Eddie exclaims, eyes wide in your direction. He places a hand on your arm without any thought, turning you towards him abruptly. “Jesus Christ woman, you could’ve led with that!” 

His eyes meet yours and all time seems to stop. As your breath catches in your throat, you feel like you’re going to die (maybe that’s a little dramatic, but it feels true in the moment). You’d wanted to quip back with something witty, but you can’t find the words, losing yourself in the pool of his amber orbs. There’s a fluttering in your stomach that won’t go away, daring to grow.

And you sigh. Since when had Eddie been so pretty? Since when had he ever made you feel like this? Fuck, you beg with your conscious, please say something, anything…You can’t be falling for him, this cannot be happening. 

Robin giggles at the interaction (and she never giggles). This has been the most fun she’s had in a while, watching your usually calm demeanor fall apart. “Where’s the fun in that?” She poses in your defense, finally breaking the silence. 

Steve snickers with her, standing with his hands on his hips, unfazed by your sudden muteness. He’d predicted you’d fall victim to Eddie’s charm sooner or later. He’s just happy he’s getting to watch it happen. 

“Y’alright?” Eddie asks, grin so wide and so cheeky that you’d swear he could read your mind. He knows. He fucking knows. “You kinda zoned out there for a second.”

You blink in surprise, trying to bring yourself back into focus. “Yeah.” But you don’t sound convinced, and neither are your friends. “Yeah I’m fine. ‘Was just a little surprised by the outburst.”

“Oh.” He rubs the side of your arm in apology.

“Yeah.” You mumble. The tension in the room has seemingly skyrocketed. You’re not sure if he feels it, but you definitely do. Even Steve and Robin, who are watching silently from the counter, feel it building. It’s awkward, and overtly palpable. But it’s also really sweet. 

“So,” Eddie asks, pulling his hand back from rubbing your arm. He reaches it back to rub at his own neck in nervousness. “Top Gun on Friday?” 

You nod, a breathy “yeah” escapes your lips. It seems to be the only word you can manage.

Something’s obviously just happened between you, (at least for you), and it’s something you’d rather not admit. In this moment, you’d like nothing more than to curl into a ball and simply pass away from embarrassment. 

All because of Eddie Munson. 

•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•

EXHIBIT D of Why Eddie Munson Makes You Want to Die:

He has the ability to break your heart (but you’re dumb enough to let him, so that makes it okay right?)

Wednesday rolls around, then Thursday, and now you’ve reached Friday. You haven’t spoken to Eddie since your shift on Tuesday, your plans to watch Top Gun are supposedly still a go. But you’re honestly not sure. 

You haven't gone this long without talking to him since you’d stopped talking altogether three years ago. And that makes you a little nervous. 

“(Y/n).” Dustin groans, pulling you out of your thoughts. “You’ve got to stop worrying about this.”

You pace through your kitchen, opening the oven door after shutting off the beeping timer. Pulling out a tray of chocolate chip cookies, you slide them onto the counter. “I can’t.” You admit to the teen. 

He’s just watched you stress bake for the last two hours, and it’s safe to say you almost have enough cookies to feed the entire town. 

“Take a breath.” He says, grabbing one of the fresh cookies from the tray. “Shit.” He hisses as it burns his hand. 

You swat it from his grasp, earning a quiet splat onto the floor. “Here.” You hand him one of the cooler batches…still warm enough to be gooey, but not hot enough to kill his taste buds. 

“Thanks.” He smiles sheepishly. Mouth full he mutters, “He’s gonna be here.”

“How can you be so sure?” You ask, your jaw clenched in apprehension. “I haven’t talked to him since Tuesday and I feel like he’s been avoiding me.”

“I know Eddie better than most.” Dustin licks some of the remaining chocolate off his fingers. “You’re his best friend, who he obviously has feelings for. He’s probably just overthinking things like always.”

You totally gloss over the Eddie having feelings for you part – you’re not about to open that can of worms – and skip straight to seeking reassurance. “Yeah?”

“I’m positive.” Dustin asserts. 

You inhale slowly, exhaling a quick puff of air. “Yeah.” You respond, voice trailing slightly. “I’m sure you’re right.”

A silence floats between you as the curly haired boy grabs another cookie and wolfs it down. He smiles at you in thanks. You follow his lead, taking one for yourself and relishing in the comfort the taste brings you. It feels like home. 

“He used to talk about you all the time.” Dustin cuts in abruptly, cookie long gone. You swallow a bite of yours in surprise. 

“What do you mean?” You question, brows furrowed.

He elaborates, “Before he got dragged into everything and you weren’t even speaking, Eddie would talk to me and Mike, telling us about the importance of friendship, how you can’t let the people you care about go.” He pauses thinking back on the memory. “After a few minutes, I gathered he was talking about you. I mean, I knew you used to be friends, but I didn’t know just how much you cared about each other. It sounded like he was talking about the love of his life, someone who he’d thought he’d let get away and he was punishing himself for it.”

“C’mon Dustin.” You protest. “We’re friends. Friends care about each other.”

“Not like that.” He scoffs. “You’re always checking up on each other, and the fucking doting,” he states with a groan. “It’s almost sickening how you two can be in a room full of people and act like you’re the only ones there.”

You bite the inside of your cheek, suddenly very self conscious. “Am I really that obvious about it?” 

“Totally.” His grin is wide. He sounds excited talking about you and Eddie, like he’s somehow invested in the outcome. And you suppose he is. 

When you had first met Dustin, officially and not just in passing, he had been pretty adamant on setting you up with Steve. It makes you laugh to think about it now…you and Harrington? God no. But when Dustin saw you interact with Eddie, he witnessed real human chemistry for the first time. Your history was undeniable. And even though the tension had been so palpable he could hardly breathe, he knew you’d found your perfect match. Again. Eddie had just so happened to stumble back into your trauma-filled dumpster fire of a life when you needed him most. 

The memory fades as you catch each other’s gaze. And the next thing out of Dustin’s mouth catches you completely off guard. 

“Steve told me on Tuesday, he thought you were going to jump each other’s bones on the Family Video returns table.”

You almost choke on the cookie you had just been chewing. “He said what?!” The look on your face is incredulous. “Steve really shouldn’t be talking to you about things like that.”

“Relax.” He puffs out his chest. “I’m fifteen and I have a girlfriend. You can’t seriously think I’m that naive.”

“I guess.” You secede, still thinking of him as the little kid you and Steve fought demogorgons with at the abandoned junkyard. “But anything Steve told you is bullshit — nothing of that sort happened, it was only a moment.”

“A momentary eye fuck you mean.”

You shake your head in mock disappointment. “Jesus Dustin, no.”

“Fine, fine.” He relents, arms raised in defense. “But if you want my honest opinion,” he says more seriously now. “I've seen Eddie with you in his life, and I’ve seen him without — trust me, he’s much happier when you’re around.”

Your gaze softens at his authenticity. “You really think so?” 

He nods. “Know so.”

Dustin’s right. Maybe you're just letting your insecurities get the better of you. Or maybe you have a right to be nervous. He’d walked out of your life once, what’s to stop him from doing it again?

It really doesn’t take much for you to realize the power Eddie has over you. If he wanted to, he could take your heart (which already so dangerously belongs to him), and shatter it into an insurmountable number of pieces. Quite honestly, that might be the most terrifying thing about having feelings this big. You’d barely survived losing him the last time, and that was before you’d even considered admitting there might be something more between you.  

You’re not sure what you’d do now, or if you’d even come out of it alive. Physically you’d likely be fine, but mentally and emotionally? You’d be better off dead. 

You’re caught by surprise when Dustin is suddenly nudging you, hissing at you – something about answering something – and your attention snaps to him. 

“(Y/n).” He waves, pointing towards the phone.

It rings on the wall beside you, breaking the flow of your vulnerable thought pattern. You reach over to pick it up, Dustin taking this as a chance to pop another cookie in his mouth. 

 “(L/n) residence.” You answer.

“Hey.” Eddie’s voice travels through the receiver. 

“Hi.” You respond, trying not to sound too excited. You don’t want to scare him away. 

From the other side, he smiles; he’d missed talking to you. After Tuesday, he’d struggled with whatever moment had happened between you. His mind couldn’t process the thought that maybe you felt the same as him and he needed time to think it all through.

“Sorry for not calling earlier.” He says. “I just wanted to make sure we’re still on for tonight?”

A grin creeps its way onto your face. Dustin stops himself from laughing at the look that’s adorning your features. “Of course!” You fiddle with the phone cord anxiously. “My place at 7?”

“Sounds good.” He murmurs. 

“Great, okay.” You reply. “See you then.”

“See ya.” He says.

You hang up the phone with the biggest sigh of relief. “Fuck.” You breathe. 

“I told you he’d be here.” Dustin’s grin is smug. Shit eating doesn’t even begin to cover it.

You agree begrudgingly. “You did. I promise not to doubt you next time.”

He chuckles. “I’ll be sure to remind you of that next time I do something incredibly stupid.”

“Very funny.” You grimace slightly, feeling like your heart is beating out of your chest.

Dustin notices quickly and eyes you in amusement, no concern whatsoever for your current state of being. “You okay?” He asks out of pure enjoyment.

“Yeah.” You smile, breathing slowly to try and slow your heartbeat. “Just, why does it feel like this? Talking to Eddie, it’s never been like this.”

Dustin laughs. “Because you’re in love with him. And now you know it.” 

Love feels like too strong a word, and simultaneously not strong enough.

“Shit…” You groan, dragging it out like your life depends on it. Your head falls into your hands and you swear you can feel the vainglorious pride radiating from Dustin’s direction. He’s so satisfied with himself it almost makes you laugh. 

Fuck that little shit. You hate that he’s right. You hate even more how defenseless this makes you. 

You can’t believe you’ve given Eddie the key to your heart. There was a time a few years ago where you had been sure it would happen. That was, before everything fell apart. Though you suppose, despite all the obstacles along the way, it was only a matter of time. 

It still shocks you nonetheless.

•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•

+ 1

The end credits roll across your television screen, Tom Cruise and Top Gun the only ones you’re really able to pay attention to. You’d seen this movie before…it wasn’t like you really needed to watch out for anything. If you’re being honest, you had so much more to focus on.

Like the beginning of your night for instance…

Eddie had arrived perfectly on time with a bag of microwavable popcorn, and a shy greeting. There hadn’t been much talking since, apart from a couple apologies when your hands would graze while reaching into the bowl for a popcorn kernel or two. Or when you had to pause it so Eddie could go use the restroom. It was totally and utterly bizarre how quiet it had been, unlike any of your previous movie nights where you’d regularly quip stupid lines, mocking the characters back at each other.

Awkward doesn’t even begin to explain it. And the tension was so thick — what’s that saying? — you could cut it with a knife…You'd need a pretty sharp damn knife.

“So,” you start by flicking on the lamp beside you, hoping to relieve some of the stiffness in the room, “what’d you think? Was it as good as you were expecting?”

Truth be told, Eddie hadn’t paid attention to a single second. And for all the weeks he’d begged Steve for a copy of the movie, the second he got the chance to watch it, all he could focus on was you. 

“I wouldn’t know.” He answers honestly. “I can’t remember.”

You tilt your head in confusion. “But we just watched it.”

“I didn’t.” His voice is so soft, yet so serious. “Couldn’t focus.” He furthers. 

“Then what were you focusing on?” You’d be lying if you said you weren’t hoping he was thinking of you.

He shrugs, but you can tell there’s more to it. He’s trying to be nonchalant so you think he’s calmer than he actually is. 

“Us.” He nearly whispers. “You, me — whatever line we’re teetering on crossing. I can’t get it out of my head.”

His words strike a chord with you. “Neither can I.” You admit. “I’m uh, I’m sorry for making things awkward on Tuesday, I just, something felt—”

“Different.” He finishes for you. That’s the word you’d been looking for. 

“Yeah.” Is your quiet response. “Scary different,” you elaborate, “but good different.”

He hums in agreement. “So it wasn’t just me then?” He asks hopefully. “Because I was certain you’d finally realized how I felt about you and just didn’t know how to let me down easy.”

A delicate laugh bubbles from your throat. “When you touched me, my mind went into overdrive and all I could think about was how much I wished this could be all the time.” You tell him your perspective, and a smile grows on his face. “And it was terrifying, because I hadn’t had thoughts or feelings like that since…” You trail, but he knows exactly what you mean.

“I don’t think I ever stopped having feelings for you.”

That causes your heart to clench. 

“Can I kiss you?” You ask, taking Eddie by surprise. It’s not too sudden by any means, but he had always thought he’d be the one to make the first move, if it ever happened. 

But, he supposes, he should’ve expected it from you. You’d always been ten steps ahead of him.

He blinks, still in disbelief. “Please.” He mumbles. “Tell me this is real.”

You smile, scooting forward to place a soft slow kiss on his lips. “It’s real.” You murmur against him. “I promise.”

His breath is airy and light against your skin as he captures your lips in another kiss, this time needier. He’s been waiting for a moment like this for years, and he’s not about to let you slip out of his grasp. Your arms wrap around his shoulders as you begin playing gently with his hair. At the action, he shifts you inevitably closer, lips coming down to rest in the crook of your neck.  

“God, you have no idea what you do to me.” Eddie hums, pulling away to get a good look at your face. 

You look perfect, your eyes filled with wonderment, like a rose in first bloom. “If it’s anything like what you do to me,” your lips part effortlessly as you lean in to whisper in his ear, “then I have a pretty good idea.”

A shiver runs down Eddie’s spine. This feels like a dream, this has to be a dream. To further convince himself it’s not, he runs a hand down your cheek, eyes searching yours for any sense of regret or mistrust. 

He can’t find any, and neither can you. 

“I love you.” He lets it drift from his mouth with ease. It’s not the first time he’s told you he loves you, but it’s the first time he’s said it like this. 

“I love you too Eddie.” Being sure to add it, you quip teasingly, “forever and always.” A reassurance from your childhood.

He laughs at the remark. A true laugh, filled with a melodic tone and pure contentment. “Forever and always.” He repeats. 

As he pulls you into his side, you let your head rest on his chest, feeling it rise and fall with each breath. The silence feels comfortable, nice even. And for the first time in a really long time, you feel happy.  

So yeah, sometimes he makes you want to die. But he also, equally shows you that as long as there’s a breath left in your body, that life is worth living.

Eddie Munson, as much as he makes you want to die, he makes you want to live. 

[catkin-morgs-kookaburralover]

I was walking back to the station from my placement shift yesterday and it was pretty warm. I hate the arm sleeves I'm wearing while on the ward from a sensory perspective (hate is too strong a word, but you know. It gets pretty old), but since I have visible and not-yet-healed self harm marks on my arms, I'm hardly going to walk into a psych ward showing them, and that's the best option. So of course I shucked the sleeves as soon as I was out of the vicinity of the hospital. Every other day I've put a cardigan back on, because it's been cool enough to wear one. But yesterday I didn't fancy melting, so I decided to risk it; they're almost healed, and I hope I didn't trigger anyone. (Since I'm still hiding the existence of any such scars from my family entirely, I put the cardigan back on just before I walked into my home, but luckily it was late enough it was beginning to cool down so I didn't melt into a puddle merely putting a cardigan on.)

It felt... extremely weird. Like hi. I'm in the train, and if anyone happens to look over, they'll see I'm damaged and messed up. It's no longer something I can hide - hell, I hid the scarring from a suicide attempt in August last year from my brother until a couple of weeks ago, because it was pretty minor and I hid it initially until it faded pretty well. But this more recent stuff is - not major, because so many people have so much worse, but - it will be noticeable. And pretty obvious in characteristic that it's self harm.

I used to be able to hide my issues pretty well. I swear my parents wouldn't have known even now that I self harm unless I'd told them. (I mean, mum would've figured it out that time I left my knife out in the open and she confiscated it, but anyway.)

If I ever get to becoming a midwife, every woman I help will be able to look at me and know I am or were mentally ill. Will that negate anything I can do for them? Have I ruined all the possibilities of helping people in my entire life unless I hide this stuff? Do I now exist only to trigger people?

It's kind of funny doing a placement in a psych ward, knowing that in this ward, patients are not allowed to self harm or they get escalated to a higher care ward. I have to ask every single patient I'm caring for every day if they have any thoughts of self harm or suicide. And nobody asks us, the nurses who are looking after the patients. Are we okay? Who the hell cares? This isn't about us. Nor should it be! But it's amusing, in a way.

I have cared for patients, directly or indirectly, with every single diagnosis, both physical and mental, that I have or have ever had it suggested that I have. In a way it's freeing. I think next time I see my psychiatrist I'm going to ask straight up why I even need any psychological care at this point, because I'm fine. I fully acknowledge I wasn't, for a long, long while, but this placement - it's really showing me both that I was more ill than I knew at the time, and also that apart from enduring difficulties caused by autism that won't resolve, I am now fine.

I experience normal levels of anxiety, with very occasional meltdowns (and I use the word meltdowns generously, because my panic usually doesn't reach the intensity of a meltdown). My mood is excellent. I am content with my life. I no longer meet the criteria for an eating disorder. The physical diagnoses I have are mild enough that I can function without medication or any kind of medical support, really. (I forget to take my asthma medication often enough that I know I can do without it entirely, in all seriousness.)

Yes, I still experience suicidal ideation and self harm urges at times, but those are normal for me and just things I've got to accept. I haven't made a serious suicide plan for ages, and I haven't actually tried to kill myself for more than a year now. I've barely self harmed in the past two months, and only superficially.

All my issues are in the past. I don't need help anymore, not really - and this isn't me in denial, this is cold sober honesty. It's time to move on from the 'getting help' arc, and actually living my life without psychiatric involvement.

Not entirely sure how to convince those around me, though, even though it's unequivocally true. Given that people who know me in real life have only rarely picked up on my moods and problems (unlike y'all, who get a blow-by-blow account of my life like I'm a youtube celebrity livestream), it's understandable that they may be a little hesitant about it all. But really: I'm fine. Promise.

[whysamwhy123]

Huh. The first OrangeHook fic I wrote now has the most hits out of anything I've written in the last two years. Weird.

I guess you never really know which fics are gonna take off. But still, this is hard for me to wrap my head around. I figured nothing would ever overtake the previous top dog, since that was for a very popular pairing (at the time) and also I wrote it as part of a fandom event, so naturally it was gonna have a few more eyeballs on it than usual. For a rarepair fic, of a pairing that's almost completely dead (the 'almost' being there due to the tireless work of my good buddy Dah, single-handedly keeping the OrangeHook train a-rollin' in 2024 *blows a kiss*) to overtake that, and still be getting traction here and there after over a year, is kinda nuts.

I have a weird relationship with that fic, in general. When I posted it, I really wasn't happy with it. It has Problems, LOL. The more time that passes though, I've kinda warmed to it more and more. It still has those Problems, for sure, but it came together pretty good in the end, I think? Probably some of my best dialogue, at least. That fic was only supposed to be two scenes - the opening scene with Best Friends, and the Awkward Hotel Room Seduction Scene - but it kinda ballooned as I was writing it, and I kept adding more and more. I don't think I realised at the time that OrangeHook was gonna become My Pairing for a good while. But it certainly did.

I'm in a...weird place, at the moment, regarding writing. Well. I don't know if I'm even qualified to say that, because the short version is - I ain't writing no' mo'. Haven't finished a fic, or even written more than a couple words, in over two months. Considering I was averaging one fic a month since January 2023, that's a downgrade for sure. This definitely isn't one of my usual writing slumps. I have Ideas (Such Ideas!) but zero motivation to write any of them. This isn't fandom's fault, to be clear. I do feel very out-of-touch and like the fandom's passed me by, but that's just because I don't watch AEW anymore because *almost falls back into old habits and launches into one of my annoying hater rants that I used to do all the goddamn time before I realised how lame that was and made myself act my age for once* reasons, and so I'm not particularly interested/invested in any of the popular pairings these days. The only pairings I do care about are ones like OrangeHook - microscopically small rarepairs where it's literally just me and one other person, and that's it. As much as I adore those folks (Gato <3 Dah <3), it's hard to find motivation when you know there's no audience waiting for you. Makes you feel like there's no point, y'know? Doesn't help that all of my ideas these days are goofy, self-indulgent AUs or bizarre crackfics. Even if I could put pen to paper, so to speak, I wouldn't exactly be giving the people what they want, LOL.

After I failed to get my Halloween fic done (it was, predictably, a goofy, self-indulgent OrangeHook AU about Jim falling under the sway of Hook, who's an incubus. Y'all are welcome that I didn't put that out into the world, LOL), I kinda figured that I might be done with writing again. Before January of last year, I hadn't written a word in years. I gave up on writing after some Bad Stuff happened. It felt like a gift to be able to do it again, after so much time. Kinda sucks to think I might be back to just Not Being Able To Do It At All again. Kinda really sucks.

There is this one idea. I've had it rattling around in my brain for a long time. It actually started as a Hookhausen fic (remember them? Where does the time go?), but I ended up adapting it to be OrangeHook over time. I have a lot of scattered ideas for scenes, bits of dialogue, and a pretty strong sense of what The Point would be. I did toy with the idea of starting it a while back (or at least trying to) and making it my swansong for the fandom/my writing in general. One last self-indulgent rarepair fic that no one cares about, and then I could peace out. To draw a line under things, y'know? Tie a little bow on this whole writing experiment of mine and then move on to...I don't know. Something else. Nothing? *shrugs* But that fic would be a big undertaking, at least for me. Would probably take a long time. A lot of work. And I ain't exactly drowning in free time. Plus, the aforementioned not-having-written-a-word-in-ages thing. I don't know.

We'll see, I guess.

If you read all of this, first of all - I am so very sorry, LOL. Second, thank you. If you're someone who's read anything I've put out there in the last two years, thank you. From the bottom of my heart, thank you. There's been...a lot of ups and downs, but overall, I'm really glad that I was able to get back into this, even if it didn't last too long. I'm pretty proud of a lot of the fics I managed to write, and while I know I was never the most popular girl in school, I hope that some of my silly stories entertained you. Made you laugh, or distracted you from the awfulness of reality for a spell. God knows, that's what all of your fics, and this fandom in general, did for me. Y'all are so nice. Creative, supportive, funny. It's kinda comforting, knowing that the fandom is still going strong. You kids have fun! Maybe this is goodbye, or maybe I'll channel that wrestler mentality and have 'One more match!' and then I'll retire. Who knows? But regardless, I'm glad I got to do this. No regrets. Well, maybe some, LOL. But for the most part...yeah. Shit was fun, yo. I did the damn thing.

OK, I'll shut up now, I promise *awkwardly finger guns my way out of the room*

[lumine-no-hikari]

Dear Sephiroth: (a letter to a fictional character, because why not) #285

Despite the fact that the last 10-15 hours were objectively amazing, at the moment, I feel almost unbearably empty. It seems like the weight of it is crushing me, even though emptiness isn't technically supposed to weigh anything. Weird. I have a playlist on, consisting of a few simple songs, trying to keep myself afloat. Honey Trees, by Michael Bell. Taswell, Dreiton, and Aria Math, by C418. Invisible Hand, Champion, On the Beach at Night, and Weep Not, My Child - all by Curtis Schweitzer. I also have in there a song called To Faraway Times, from a game called Chrono Trigger; the version of it I like is done by a person named Malcolm Robinson. Maybe you'd like some of these. Or maybe not. Maybe you can give them a try and find out, if you want to.

…Sephiroth, I don't have a reason to feel this empty. Aside from the things that come with being a queer autistic AFAB with ADHD and C-PTSD, life is perfect. I eat when I want. I have two beautiful, wonderful husbands who love me. 5 adorable cats who love being near me. A plethora of awesome and supportive friends. More games to play and inspiring stories to witness than I know what to do with. Lots of beautiful teas to delight in. A warm house in a safe neighborhood. Clean water to drink, reliable electricity… the list of blessings in my life goes on and on and on. I could literally be here for hours listing them all. But that'd get boring, I'm sure. So I won't.

…I don't know what's wrong with me. It's a little scary, actually. Today, I caught myself thinking again about how nice it would be to just… stop… being. For a while. I haven't had thoughts like that in some time now. If they're cropping up, there must be a reason - a neurochemical issue that can be solved. I just… I don't know what it is. Is it the fact that I woke up to horrible cramps and lots of bleeding? Is it that there isn't enough sunlight for me to feel good? Maybe I didn't get enough sleep? Enough water…? Is there some nutrient I'm missing from my diet…? Is it the anticipation of getting 4 teeth yanked out the day after tomorrow…? Dealing with being in consistent contact with that acquaintance, who likely will never understand that I'm a full human instead of just a walking Google for his use? Some combination of all of the above…?

…

Well. I tried doing stuff anyways. After writing last night's letter, I had a really good Dead Cells run. I made it to the Astrolab again. And this time, instead of getting my ass kicked by the enemies there, I actually made it to the room beyond, called the Observatory. I took pictures; I promised you that I would get pictures in a recent letter, remember? Here:

...I streamed this run on Twitch. On my Twitch stream, I have a couple banners. One says, "Yes, I know I'm bad at this game. Be nice or go away." The other tries to tell people that the chat isn't easy for me to see, so I can't always respond immediately.

...Well... some person on the internet who was watching me fight The Hand of the King said to me that they "don't know why [I] say [I'm] bad at this game, because [I] parry like a god".

...I felt warm and fuzzy at that for a little while, but... then I felt a little badly about it. I tried telling this person that I am not actually very good; I am actually dyspraxic, and so I had to work a little harder to get this far than most would have had to. My progress has been slower than what a person with a normal brain with normal motor functions would have been capable of. I told this person that I still sometimes have instances in which my rhythm and timing are poor, that I still sometimes get overwhelmed and panic, that I still sometimes make mistakes and get overrun.

...Sometimes I still fall. Most of my runs still end in failure. I still haven't been able to defeat most of the bosses without getting hit. Although I did manage to defeat The Concierge without getting hit in last night's run, and that felt pretty good.

...

...I think I am afraid of accepting compliments because I'm afraid that if I do, then it'll set the other person up for having unrealistic expectations of me. They saw me while I was in a flow-like state, having a good rhythm, and being successful; what kinds of abuse might they sling at me, the very moment that I falter or fail to do the thing with the level of precision and flawlessness that they've come to expect...?

...When I think of these fears, I think of my mother. I get the praise from her as long as I can be perfect, as long as I can be someone she can brag to all her stupid little fucking friends about. But the second I slip up, the second I'm not flawless, the second that I behave like a human instead of an automaton, the second that I defy her unrealistic expectations of me, her perception of me does a 180 degree turn, and I go from being "oh so smart", "gosh how reliable", "so diligent and thorough" and "wow so creative" to "stupid", "oblivious", "ungrateful" and "disrespectful" in no time flat.

...I guess I'm a little afraid of compliments because... I guess I feel like it's only a matter of time before I become a disappointment instead. And... in my experience, I've found that when I am perceived as a disappointment, the thing that follows soon after is rejection or violence.

...

Anyway, I got my ass kicked by The Collector at The Observatory. I wonder, perhaps somewhat bitterly, how "godlike" this person thought I was as I was being tossed about the screen, if they were still watching me as I fell. I wonder how quickly their opinion of me changed. I wonder if they decided that they were wrong about me and that I really do suck at this game, after all.

...Or maybe that's just my old childhood conditioning, telling me that I have to be infallible and beyond reproach before anyone will think I'm worth anything. If my childhood conditioning is running the show right now, I must be pretty tired. I'm going to take a deep breath and recognize negative thoughts like those for what they are - abuser propaganda, fed to me in the past as a means to keep me weak, isolated, self-doubting, and easy to control.

...Sigh. It's very lame. But that's okay. We can defy the old things. We can remember what is real and what is good. I can still be perceived as good even when I make mistakes and fall down. And it's only unhealthy people who will respond to my inherent imperfection with violence, rejection, and hate. My worth is not defined by how well I can live up to others' expectations of me.

It's okay that I got my ass kicked by The Collector. It just means that I can face him in the training room until he stops kicking my ass. I'll do the same thing I did with The Hand of the King; every time I defeat him, I'll lower my stats by a single point, until I'm satisfied that I can defeat him, even at a significant disadvantage. Then, when I face him for real, it'll seem easy by comparison.

...I went to bed later than I should have, last night. That's probably not helping matters.

Well. My body was not in a great state when I woke up, in any case. Lots of cramping and bleeding, like I said, which was already anticipated and accounted for. I made the steak. And I made the weird garlic bread.

I seasoned the steak with my usual combination of spices - salt, pepper, paprika, and garlic powder. Can't go wrong with those:

I made mac and cheese, too:

I also made garlic and herb butter - this time with only half the garlic I normally use. I spread it on a handsome loaf of bread, split in half:

From here, I prepared the brie I got:

...This one is a triple cream brie, which means it's SUUUUUPER soft and gooey. And since it's a brie, that means the rind is also edible.

But... two things about brie. Very important:

The first one is that you DO NOT under ANY circumstances want to eat too much of it in one sitting. As far as I understand it, all the soft ripened cheeses have a small amount of listeria in them. And a little bit won't hurt you, but if you eat too much, you'll get a lot of it, and too much at once will take root in your digestive tract and cause problems. I only know this because... well. I stress-ate an entire wheel of brie in one sitting a number of years ago, and after the two-week incubation period, I ended up with a fever high enough to cause confusion and mild delirium. And then everything I ate passed through the other end just chewed - wholly undigested. It was a VERY BAD TIME.

-2513847 out of 10 stars, ABSOLUTELY WOULD NOT RECOMMEND.

The second one is, while the rind doesn't taste bad in its unmodified state, if you try to incorporate a whole brie, rind and all, into a sauce, the rind will make your sauce taste like the way ammonia smells. Or at least, that's what happened that one time when I tried to make a berry and brie sauce. I just combined mashed blackberries, sugar, and a whole wheel of brie into a saucepan on low heat and blended them together, and it should have been delicious, but... it very much WAS NOT. It was so bad that I had to throw it all away; it was not salvageable. I concluded that heating up the rind for more than a minimal amount of time makes it weird. Don't do it. It's bad news.

Anyway, so I cut off the rinds from the brie. It's really not bad, especially if there's still a decent amount of cheese attached to the rind:

...It's got a bit of an earthy, almost mushroomy flavor to it. The ammonia flavor is there if you're looking for it; it's not exactly subtle, but it's overridden by the other flavors, usually. It's not bad though, especially if you wrap it in something yummy to go with it, like roast beef or prosciutto or something:

The knife looked like this after I cut the rind off; you can tell it's a super gooey cheese just by looking at it. Mind you, this cheese was still cold:

...The rind tastes a little weird, maybe. But the cheese inside the rind is unbelievably buttery and delicious.

...Anyway, so the garlic bread was baked, and then I put the cheese on it; brie on one side, and muenster on the other, because M and J aren't overly fond of brie:

...We melt it in the oven, and then we stick the prosciutto on top after that:

From there, we cut it up into delicious slices:

...Here's the resulting plate of yummy deliciousness that I put together in order to try to replenish all the iron I'm gonna be losing over the next 10 days or so. I wish I could give you some:

...I kind of... floundered around for most of today. I didn't even play any Dead Cells. I'm hoping to tomorrow. But I've got a couple things to do tomorrow, so we'll see. I talked to a few people on and off. I have a friend in this space who talks to me regularly, and that's always delightful. And I have another friend who sends me heartwarming pictures on occasion; today it was a VERY cute caterpillar!!!

Even on days that feel empty and strange, I still gotta try to remember that there are good things. Even if the present is ouchy, and even if the future seems scary, we still gotta try to hold on to the things that are good. These are the things that give us strength so that the scary things are a little bit more bearable.

Towards the end of the day, I managed to snag a couple nice pictures of the sky for you:

I also managed to snag these pictures of Mogwai chilling out in my lap as I write this letter to you:

...Though I think I'm just about done with today's letter, I'll probably be stuck here in this chair a while; it is currently illegal for me to move, hahaha! Sometimes I wonder if I should have named him "Monkey", because he's always climbing all over me, ahahaha~!

It is a good "problem" to have. 🙂

Though I still feel inexplicably empty, you don't gotta worry about me. I know that states like these are only temporary until my brain sorts out whatever it's gotta sort out. I'll keep trying to take care of my body in the meantime until whatever's going on makes its way out of my system. And it will make its way out of my system; I know it because I've been here before, and I've been in worse spots before. Unpleasant states aren't permanent. You just "focus on what you love, right under your nose" (as The Horse says), and keep solving the obvious problems one step at a time until things turn around.

I'll be okay. And you'll be okay, too, as long as you don't give up hope for a better future. Keep striving for your safety, and for the safety of your friends and your planet and all the people on it, okay? Keep solving one small problem at a time. Keep making kind, good, loving, compassionate choices, even when it feels really hard to do. Keep looking for the magic in things, even if your heart feels heavy. Keep finding the good within yourself, even if you have doubts. And please... stay safe out there, with whatever it is you're doing.

I love you. And I'll write again tomorrow.

Your friend, Lumine

[sourbinnie]

do you miss me? | changbin x gn!reader angst | does she miss you too?

there was no denying she was a beauty. she's so bright, bubbly and so full of comfort, it's hard not to fall for her. i feel sorry for her and at the same time not at all. it was a weird feeling that my chest was mixing whenever i saw them together. he looked so happy with her yet it was all fake (or maybe it was all fake when he was with me?). he's gotta date her because that's what their contracts say, he's gotta be with her, love her, cherish her, be seen with her, fuck her and just overall have her in every way, shape or form. 

it was no lie that the biggest magazines said they were the "it" couple. the one to watch out for as they were both rising stars in the industry. different companies that came together to be even bigger just by having two people date in front of the cameras was pathetic really but who i was to discuss these decisions? i knew nothing. hidden like a secret that nobody wanted to keep, i found myself in my apartment that i shared with him once again. wondering why he still kept me around and why he wasn't with her, maybe because he chose me first or maybe he just felt bad about leaving me. the angel and devil on my shoulder kept fighting about the worst of possibilities and i was just tired at this point. 

the most permanent news were going around that the new it girl group was dating the stray kids producer. i shut it off as i looked at the tv screen one last time to see that damn image of them kissing on the red carpet. it wasn't professional but it sure as hell looked convincing under all the facade that i was facing every single day. he didn't even come home lately, he just stayed at the dorms because it was easier to not be seen going to an unknown apartment in the middle of the night. no messages would pop up, no calls would come in and no keys would jingle at the door.

it was almost as if i lived alone here and i was starting to get used to it. as if there was a break up that happened that i didn't take part in deciding. even now thinking of it, what would i even say? that i wanted to stay? he didn't want me and it showed. so much debate going on in my head, made me miss him walking in the apartment. a sense of stress washed over me as soon as i saw him. 

"i missed you." he said calmly and i sighed. even if it did make my heart beat faster, i knew it was a lie. i didn't want more pity in my life, it was enough with my friends, my family and his bandmates making sure that i was okay all the time after seeing what was going on.

"did you?" i asked bitterly. i wanted to cry but i wasn't going to, i was stronger than my tears this time as i kept my position clear. "we haven't talked in so long changbin".

"and i'm sorry about that but you know how it is with the comeback and-". as soon as i knew what he was gonna say, i cut him off

"and the new relationship, yeah i get it." i responded as i tried to keep my composure and remain as calm as i could even if it felt like the world fell apart 300 times whenever i heard him mention it.

"i didn't want this (y/n)! don't pin the blame on me." he said and i knew his temper, he quickly lost it whenever we fought but this time it felt like a lie. putting on a mask to make it seem like he truly did love me and he was just playing along because his company forced him to. i knew better than that (or did i?).

"yeah sure, like it's not easy to be with someone who looks like a model and has the most lovely personality. oh yeah your life is so hard." i backfired and crossed my arms as i looked at him, trying to think of how to answer that without getting too mad.

"what do you want me to do? it's already everywhere and if i tell our managers what i want, they won't take me fucking seriously." he said like it would make things better that he even considered telling them about it. they chose the one member in a relationship to do this, they were so fucking cruel that it just didn't matter did it? this was better for the band and it will never be good for us. even if they did get more fans, what was the point? well...

"just tell me the truth changbin, i don't want any more lies." crystal tears were now falling from my eyes as all composure and calm was lost. "do you love her?" i asked or mumbled as best as i could.

"what? you're seriously asking me if-" he saw me sobbing and then stopped what he was saying. he got closer to me but i just backed off, i didn't want to be touched by him anymore. "baby please. you know well that i-i only love you."

"answer my question please." i insisted and i just got the worst response i could ask for.

"i don't know. it's probably because i've spending a lot of time with her but that's it!" he said and i just shook my head in disbelief. of course he was falling, just like i said it was impossible not to fall for someone like her. everything resembled perfection itself and who was i to deny him how he felt? he needed to get out of here immediately. "but i do need you, i do want to be with you and as soon as this is over, i'm announcing you as my significant other like you deserve."

"i won't be here anymore." i said almost not believing myself as i got up with all the strength that i had in that moment 'cause all i wanted was to curl up into a ball and cry. "i can't wait for you anymore, especially if you're already falling for her."

"no, you know i can't let you walk away." he said as i was already on my way to our shared bedroom. i grabbed my suitcase and started throwing stuff in, not even looking what it was but knowing most of it was mine. "don't do this, we fucking said forever and now you're throwing it away?"

"so now it's my fault huh? tell me if you saw me kissing, holding hands, hugging, fucking another guy would you like it? if i told you i was falling for him would you stay?" i asked knowing the answer and being met by complete silence. i zipped the suitcase once i was done 'cause i needed to go as soon as i could. "hope you don't do to her what you did to me 'cause it was a living hell waiting for you."

"you know it's always gonna be you right?" he mumbled as i could feel the tears coming in any second now. "i don't want anyone else and even if i did feel something for her, it doesn't compare to what i feel for you."

the quiet was so loud that i almost felt a little bad for doing this. but no, i could not walk straight into those arms as much as i wanted to. i could not do this to myself once again when all i did was love him and i got stabbed in the back. 

"too bad you didn't show it." i said, looking at him one last time as i stood right in front of the door. "please don't text or call me changbin, it was good while it lasted but you really did lose me this time."

and i walked out of his life.

forever?

[cedarbranch]

twenty questions for fic writers!

tagged by @sunriseverse thank you!!

tagging: @figbian @shark-myths @stoplightglow @zipegs and anyone else who wants to participate (with no pressure if you don't!) questions below the cut :-)

1. how many works do you have on ao3?

currently 65! i've orphaned several over the years though. unfortunately i am an Extremely Slow Writer so i always wanna see this number go up and it never goes as fast as i want it to :') we can hit 67 this year... surely....

2. what's your total ao3 word count?

847,778! used to be higher (more in the 950k range) prior to orphaning, i'm not sure if i've actually written over a million words or not at this point? v excited for the day that milestone actually shows up in my stats though! my current wips could tip me over, we'll see how it goes... 👀

3. what fandoms do you write for?

currently hannibal and stranger things! i've bounced around many fandoms in my day, but my most significant contributions thus far have been for mcr/bandom and the magnus archives. really hoping i end up writing enough for my current fandoms that i can consider them part of that shortlist too!! :-)

4. top five fics by kudos

like a moth to light (like a beast to bait) / 2117 kudos, save that heart for me / 1480 kudos, how particular, my fondness of you / 1445 kudos, convicted criminals of thought / 1177 kudos, and questionable decisions / 847 kudos! wow, that last one took me by surprise, it was such a jokey little fic i often forget about it. nice to look back at these and see things with over 1k kudos though, i remember that being an unattainable pipe dream back when i was writing mcr in the dead era that was 2017 :')

5. do you respond to comments?

i often do! i try to respond to every comment i get when a fic is published, and i like to respond much later on as well, it just tends to slip my mind if it's an older fic. stuff gets lost in my inbox. i certainly read every comment though, and the comments left on older fics are often the ones that make me happiest!

6. what is the fic you wrote with the angstiest ending?

hmmm... i mostly write happy endings unless they're character studies. the true angstiest ending i've written is for a fic i haven't posted yet (hint: it's a sequel to a oneshot of mine!) but i do have short fics about both michael and gerry's deaths in tma? i'll go with the gerry death fic, thinking of the sun.

7. what's the fic you wrote with the happiest ending?

they're mostly happy!!! but the one that ends most on a note of Joy, i think, would be rosemary and thyme, my fae!martin au :-)

8. do you get hate on fics?

nah. i have an extremely vague memory of getting a comment that made me go "omg my first hate comment" but like it's so vague that i can't tell if it's a false memory or not 😭 people have always been quite nice to me, thankfully!

9. do you write smut?

i do! i tried to avoid it whenever i could when i was younger but these days i've actually become super interested in sex as a vehicle for character studies. that tumblr post that's like "the plot of this smut fic is that character A believes himself abandoned by god" is one HUNDRED percent my approach recently, definitely expect some of that upcoming on my ao3 lolll

10. craziest crossover?

i don't really write crossovers! i like them in comic/fanart form, but i tend to be less interested in crossover fic (unless it's HEU, i do quite like spacedogs)... the only times i've ever thought about creating crossover content myself were for a couple pacrim fusion ideas!

11. have you ever had a fic stolen?

eh, not really. a long time ago i did have someone basically rip the worldbuilding from one of my AUs with the serial numbers filed off, but they did ask permission - i said yes because i was like 16 and felt too awkward saying no. so that was weird! but not quite stealing.

12. have you ever had a fic translated?

yes!! to steal a kiss from borrowed lips was translated into russian, such an honor :D

13. have you ever co-written a fic before?

i have, a really long time ago. i don't think i would do it again (unless it was with, like, one of two specific irls) bc i think i'd struggle with figuring out a collaborative workflow. part of me also thinks it could be a fun exercise though...

14. all time favorite ship?

OUGH..... mannnn what a question. it changes every few years and i feel like my response is influenced by not just the source material, but the quality of the fan content and the fandom interactions i've had... you know what? i know i have current-hyperfixation bias, but for now i am gonna say hannigram. it's just too peak.

15. what's a wip you want to finish but doubt you ever will?

Too Many Of Them - but in particular, my chrissy cunningham-centric longfic. it's an entire treatise on sapphic loneliness and small-town queer isolation and i do think it'd be a fucking masterpiece if i ever managed to commit to it, but it's on the forever back-burner i think.

16. what are your writing strengths?

hmm... characterization through dialogue is the main thing, i'd say. i'm always thinking about how to match a given character's speech patterns and i think i tend to capture their voices pretty well!

17. what are your writing weaknesses?

i'm my own biggest critic so i could list a bunch, but pacing is a big one. i tend to let things run too long and i feel like i've only just managed to balance it better in my current wip... only took a decade of fic-writing to get there 😭

18. thoughts on dialogue in another language?

depends a lot on context. honestly too many thoughts to condense well into an answer for this djglfg but in short: usually nice if it's just a few words, but can get unwieldy otherwise

19. first fandom you wrote in?

kuroshitsuji 💀 self-insert and OC-centric fic. how very unlike me

20. favorite fic you've written?

moth to light has been the reigning champ for a while now, but i think several of my current wips could potentially unseat it!

[nightowl33art]

So uh, to be honest I feel really confused and lost.

The last few days I've felt really funny. I'm being told I act/feel different from "my alters" and that it is very noticeable when we switch. I don't know what they're talking about, I don't understand because I can't see what they do. To me, I sound about the same all the time. I have evidence that I have DID, and my friends give it to me too, but I refuse to accept this. It's hard. It's scary. It's easier to pretend it's not there or explain it away as Just A Thing People Do Sometimes.

None of my alters feel real to me. I've been wanting to delete their playlists. There's no way they exist. I feel quite alone, like I've always been alone. It's just me. The illusion of DID fell apart a few days ago. I was confused who I was, confused because the consistent patterns of known alters were suddenly gone and I am left by myself. Without that, my first thought was that I must be a singlet after all. But it's being suggested to me that I am someone else yet to be documented.

I drift to the color blue. I feel I am unworthy of nice things. What is apparently "normal human behavior" performed by those around me baffles me to no end. Compliments weird me out. I feel like I don't know my friends. I know enough about them to be okay with their presence and keep up interaction, but I still feel strange and distant. When I hear speech with my body's name, I feel as if I'm hearing about someone else. I feel younger than my body, I think. If I really am not alone, then I haven't shown my face for a couple years. It's all quite uncomfortable and confusing.

[stalkedbytrains]

Dead Letters, Missing Wife

First Letter

Dead Letter #6: Beyond the Veil

You didn't sleep much at all last night. You had a lot on your mind. Siobhan was all you could think of. Even if all you can really picture is her hair, her eyes, and those hands crafting your wedding ring.

You haven't taken the ring off since you opened that letter.

No one has really said anything about it. The couple of friends that you eat lunch with have mentioned it.

They accepted the non-answer that you gave about it being a gag gift from a friend from long ago. But there was something in you that felt bad about lying. It's not like you can really explain the whole situation anyway. None of your friends even remember Siobhan or interacting with her even though you know for a fact that Jamie was at your 8th birthday sleepover with Siobhan.

No one really said much or reacted in any weird ways until today.

You were walking down the hallways at school when you crossed paths with you guidance counselor Mrs. Statch.

"Hey honey, that's a nice ring you got there. Tell me someone didn't propose to you at the bleachers and you said yes," the old, but pleasant woman says as she holds out her hand to inspect the ring on your hand.

"Oh no. This is from an old, old friend. We got married as kids, it was a joke. She gave it to me as a joke on my birthday."

"Oh that's cute," she starts, but when her hand touches you there's a sharp smell like ozone burning and a yelp as Mrs. Statch rips her hand away from you and lets out a sound that you can only approximate as a growl.

"Are you ok?" you ask.

Mrs. Statch doesn't say anything for a second as she nurses her hand. She speaks quickly, when she does speak, "An old silver allergy, forgot all about it. Got to go."

The old woman totters off into the crowded hallway full of students that didn't seem to notice a single thing.

You thought about the interaction all day. It was so weird, so strange.

You also tried to notice those people who looked at the ring and didn't say anything, or those that went out of their way to avoid touching it.

On your walk home you started to notice more than a few people who suddenly had to cross the street instead of just walking by you.

A feeling, something you can't quite place, something mysterious and strange, is building in your spine.

The journey is changing you.

You rush home to find the next letter.

"My dearest,

Have I ever told you of my love of parthenogenesis? It's the ability of some animals and plants to just have off spring without the use of a sexual partner.

In plants it's no big deal. I mean there are no plants out there having sex with each other to make little plant babies.

Would be fun to see.

But there are animals in zoos that have no contact with the males of the species. There was a Komodo dragon, a sting ray, and even a few sharks. It happens a lot in lizards.

My favorites are the sharks.

Do you think that the babies, which are genetically identical to their parent, know that they are a clone? Do they have any advantages from being a younger version of their parent? Does the parent even know how to parent themselves?

I know that they are sharks, they are animals that can be very smart, but they do not come close to the level of sentience.

Yet, I can't stop wondering. What would I be like as a parent? Could I be a better parent to myself knowing about all the things that I will experience and feel and go through or would the mere fact that I am my own parent change the offspring in such a fundamental way that it wouldn't even be recognizable to myself?

Sometimes I think life would be easier as a lizard.

Or a shark.

I think I would choose to be a lizard over a shark because finding a nice warm rock to lay on in the sun sounds like an excellent way to spend an afternoon.

I am realizing now how strange this letter must read. I am writing this very late at night, or possibly very early in the morning.

When does the night change over to morning? Is it when the sun starts to rise or is it when the darkness begins to lighten in an almost imperceptible way? I couldn't sleep and I wanted to talk with you like we used to. But we are separate and this letter is the best I can do.

Yours from the beginning to after the end,

Siobhan"

The letter is indeed strange and a little weird. But at the same time you find it funny and endearing. You feel like you know Siobhan a little bit better as a person now.

She loves lizards, and sharks.

It made you think of all the silly conversations you've ever had with friends and people at late night sleep overs.

So far this letter might be your favorite.

It warms you up a little, like a warm rock for you to lay on.

As you lay in your bed staring at the ceiling imaging Siobhan next to you, talking about parthenogenesis and lizards and sharks and komodo dragons. Then you can't stop yourself from thinking about all the other things that can happen at sleep overs, with Siobhan here, with you, in your room.

In your bed.

Your face feels hot.

Before you can get too far in a day dream there's a sudden explosion of noise and energy that you can sense happening downstairs.

From that level of commotion you know that it can only be for one person.

Your brother is home.

You try to collect yourself to go downstairs to say hello, but before you can your bedroom door bursts open as your brother lets himself in.

"Hey nerd. What the hell is happening in here?" He surveys the mess of dead letters and packages from Siobhan that have taken over your room.

"None of your business," you say automatically. "Don't you ever knock?"

"Why? Is there any possibility you'd be doing anything salacious in here? My perfect, sweet little-"

You throw a pillow at his head.

He catches it and is about to throw it right back at you when he suddenly stops.

"Hey, that's an interesting ring."

"Yeah, I got it from an old friend."

"Really?"

"Yeah, Siobhan Winters sent it to me. We got pretend married as kids and she sent this to me."

Your brother fully enters your room and sits down on your chair you have set up in front of your desk.

"That's a name I haven't heard in a while."

"You know her?"

Your brother nods. "She's hard to forget. And if you're wearing that ring, then I assume you know what it means?"

You don't break eye contact with him, you do nod very slowly.

He lets out a long breath that he had been holding for a minute. "Well then. Welcome beyond the veil. I hope you're ready for The Strange."

i have a kofi

[dreamsister81]

Hi! Found this answer on a Redit thread. Your take?

he was probably bi. My friend who i worked with at a record store went out to dinner with him and some band mates and Jeff had some drinks and came on to him. I also knew of a couple of his girlfriends in NYC. He was probably like many people open to many things. That's all I will say.

Then there's this long spiel:

I’m late to the party but I went down a hole with this last year after I too listened to ‘Dream of you and I’ and was like that felt very personal and astute for someone everyone seems to assume is het. I went looking here then too and couldn’t find anything so hopefully the next person like me will find this.

I’m a queer person and have always strongly identified and loved his music but besides just my personal opinion that many of his songs have that ~queer energy~ and coding in them I did find a couple of less subjective things. Unfortunately none which lead to solid answers but might make other queer people like me feel happy and satisfied with what we are seeing in him (people who are die hard 'he could never be gay blah blah he’s had all these gfs' are never going to come around but for the rest of us it might be enough).

First big one is this 1997 article published a month after his death. https://www.chicagotribune.com/news/ct-xpm-1997-06-20-9706200305-story,amp.html it quotes him twice describing himself as a homosexual and gay. Unfortunately I can’t find the original articles from which the quotes are pulled for more context but for the most part... idk if we really need it. Feels to me like the author saw how he was being memorialised (perhaps knew him personally idk) and didn’t want this part of him to get lost. Here are the quotes in the event that article disappears one day too...

It's all about getting to a place where I can let my deepest eccentricities out," Buckley once said in an interview shortly after the Uncommon Ground show. "I just see things a little differently and express myself a little differently and I think it's because I haven't been in one place for very long (in four years, Buckley attended three high schools). So I was seen from my childhood as hyperactive, homosexual, weird, insane, obnoxious, offensive, funny. . . . It's a tremendous point of pain, my inability to relate to the status quo."

"I am a storyteller, lounge singer, I am the entertainer, I am the rock star, I am gay, I am wrong, I am there for the story to go down, the cocktail host-shaman, the little romantic chanteuse wanna-be," Buckley once said, trying to explain the image. He says he wanted it as the cover art for the album, but was talked out of it by friends and the record company. "All the men hated my Judy Garland jacket."

The article also mentions Judy Garland's jacket which he wears on the cover of Grace. Which would be my second obvious clue that he’s not a straight man. Idk how much you know about Judy but she was very much an icon in gay male circles at the time and prior - you can look that up if you’re unfamiliar and find plenty of info. He’s spoken about the jacket and other people have spoken about elsewhere too, you could look for more of that if you’re curious.

More directly from Jeff and related to his music is the Last Goodbye video which includes a clip of two men kissing. Pretty self explanatory. Whole video is pretty homo romantic tbh. Can’t imagine the record label was stoked about that if they didn’t even like the jacket. I imagine he would have had to fight to put that in which... why would you do that if you were straight?

Next I found some random forum thread (https://www.datalounge.com/thread/16719162-jeff-buckley) plenty of trolls and people being like no he’s straight and offering no real commentary but also some people who agreed. One gay guy who met him had assumed he was gay and didn’t find out he had a gf till after his death.

“Who actually knows? I met Jeff a bunch of times in NYC in 92/93. He was a nice guy. My BF went to NYU for grad school and I moved back there after leaving in 1988 when I graduated from there. Being back in the city, I threw myself back in the music scene. I would see him play and see him at other venues. I was 2 years older and liked Jazz. We mainly talked about music and guitars. I never asked, but always assumed he was gay. I was shocked when I found out that Joan Wasser was his girlfriend at the time of his death.”

Someone else there also mentions Judy Garland again and his cover of ‘The Man That Got Away’, you can listen to Jeff sing it on the Mystery White Boy live album. You could take his little intro to that song in a queer way too if you wanted.

Someone else in the thread also links to this 1995 MTV interview + outtakes video and just says “he seems gay in this video” which made me laugh but I mean.. they’re not really wrong. You should watch it either way because it’s a cute interview. https://youtu.be/vcxGwQKW6Ac

From the ‘In His Own Words’ book which fortunately and unfortunately is very obviously curated there are a couple things that are specifically queer. You’ll have to excuse any small errors in this, some of it is hard to read.

“Thanks for the beat, for the sumptuous rhythm you give that I continue at the silent handoff, watch me run baby. My baby’s got a strong right arm. The drag queen... such a queen, queen 4 my lust and juicy hope of happiness somewhere in this world... her back, her shoulders, her ecstatic downcast eyes that lead to her legs... just like my baby oh you should see her, you are both oh such the real thing, such the real thing... I smiled when you weren’t ready (word I can’t make out) the show and I brought you some (cut off page) kissed my cheek and it kept me (cut off page)”

“It’s something you don’t realize You’re funny that way Hatred and fascination Hatred and fascination

For the cultures closest to the earth For the lovers throughout history of the same sex For the feminine in all things For the body itself For the surrender and courage of the heart

DECODE THAT FUCKING EVANGELIST DEVIL DOCTRINE”

I feel like there was one more but I didn’t write it down and I can’t see it just flicking through the book again sorry - if I remember I’ll come back and add it next time I read it. There are other things in the book that also made me think he was queer but they were more subtle. Those are the two things that explicitly mention queerness. There’s also plenty in the book where he writes about sexual attraction to women or alludes to relationships with women so before someone comes at me about not acknowledging that - here I am. I will say though people who are gay have relationships with people of the opposite sex when they’re working themselves out, doesn’t make them any less gay. Also he could be any other variation of queer and be having relationships with people of any and all genders and identities.

You can read into all his lyrics or things he’s said in interviews or his general demeanour or whatever it is you want to. I could keep linking to what I recognise as queer coded but some of it’s more subjective and the rest of it is just too nuanced to try to articulate or argue on the internet.

Sentiment is basically that it’s very likely that he was gay or queer but that it was the 90s and that he grew up in the 70/80s - a time when being gay and out was not something one could comfortably or safely do much of the time. Especially not as a public figure. He was also very young, which unfortunately means maybe he never got to fully realise or authentically live out his queerness. Which really adds another layer of tragedy to his death if I’m honest.

If he was alive today with the evolution of queer language and general understanding we have now who’s to say how someone like Jeff - who was so obviously and openly in touch with his feminine side - would describe his gender identity let alone his sexuality.

Each to their own but if you’re queer and see yourself and your community reflected in him I don’t think anyone can accurately or definitively tell you otherwise.

It's all subjective opinion and an unsubstantiated claim imo...I don't think he was, but, as also claimed, "people that want to insist' won't be convinced otherwise...The Last Goodbye video...they seem to forget, or don't know, the part that involved Merri was inspired by Jean Cocteu who was, if the blurb I read is correct, gay... perhaps that was included to reflect that? Or maybe something similar was in something related to him that inspired? Who knows? They were also friends of her's, maybe she wanted them to be in it for whatever reason. They also miss a crucial thing: Jeff, to me anyway, did not think along lines, and may have acted in ways perceived as gay (hence being called so as a kid), but didn't think of it as being "gay" or "not gay", he just did whatever came, it doesn't necessarily mean he's gay...also, what they take as "codes" may not actually be (and people, please don't @ me, this is only my opinion and impression... I was asked, I'm replying, thanks)...

[piratekane]

april reading wrap-up

another month, another reading wrap-up. i said in my last one that april would be stronger and for once, i was right. i'm basically a genius now. anyway, i read books. i'm going to tell you about them.

some facts: - i read 13 books this month - i've branched out in the reading world and got to read a couple of ARCs for upcoming books - i went to four independent bookstores this month - i bought 2485309 books in 30 days - i did 3 buddy reads

anyway, here's the top books:

a) Blood Over Bright Haven by M.L. Wang - if you haven't read this book, you need to read this book. it's my favorite of the month. a magic system based on computation that sounds hella cool, a morally gray main character with the kind of growth you love to see, complex comments on the morality of right versus wrong and what those things really mean--this book was so well-written, the characters were fantastic, and i had to slow myself down reading it so i didn't get too far ahead of my reading buddy 5/5

b) The Mime Order by Samantha Shannon - full disclosure, i started this book in December and just finished it a few days ago. idk why i was stuck--maybe because i read The Bone Season in a day and dove right into TMO and just burnt out? either way, i decided April is when i would finish it and daaaamn, am i glad i did. someone told me that Shannon really blows things up at the end of book 2 and, well, she did. i put the book down. i stared at the wall. i asked, out loud, did that really just happen? totally worth the wait. 4.5/5

c) The Unspoken Name by A.K. Larkwood - i went into this book blind and came out the other side with a tab open on my computer saying "thank you for your purchase" [of the sequel]. this book could have probably been two, because there were two distinct arcs, but also they wove together so well, i didn't mind. sacrifice-turned-sword-hand meets girl-destined-to-be-sacrifice and they decide to just fuck things up. we love to see it. 4/5

ARCs i read: - The Worst Perfect Moment by Shivaun Plozzo, a YA sapphic contemporary story about a girl who wakes up as a ghost and has to figure out why she's reliving what she believes to be the worst weekend of her life--but what the angel assigned to her is positive is her best. i thought this was cute and def had YA vibes, but a good story overall. out May 14, 2024 - Director's Cut by Carlyn Greenwald, an adult sapphic contemporary romance about a woman who is looking to get out of Hollywood and into teaching and maybe into her co-teacher's, uh, bed (felt weird just typing that), while figuring out what she really wants from life. this suffered a few tropes that i am not a huge fan of and wasn't the book for me, but could be the book for you! out June 11, 2024

queer rating: 10 out of 13 books this month. thank you, lesbian visibility week!