#i haven’t created anything real or that i genuinely like in months

[sourtoasterstrudel]

I think i forgot how to draw

[wordstome]

Thanks for everything, but it’s time to close up shop.

Hello, everybody. Sorry for this post being a portent of doom, but I feel like you all deserve better than radio silence. Originally, I went on hiatus because I got busy with school and work. This is still true—real life is getting in the way of me being able to write creatively, which I haven’t done in a while.

However, I think it would only be fair for me to admit that I’m just not as into COD anymore. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve never been into the games and always have been a fan of the little fandom of writers here, but I have to admit that part of my difficulty writing is just not being as into the content anymore. Most of it is just naturally moving on from something you used to like, but I also feel uninspired and weird about the idea of writing fanfiction about the military nowadays.

TO BE CLEAR: I don’t suddenly think that all my fellow writers are doing something problematic and amoral, and I vehemently do not want my departure from creating fan works to be used as some sort of gotcha to attack other writers. I don’t think any of us respect the military or US imperialism (I hope not) and I think the tumblr subsection of fandom is especially aware that COD is military propaganda. What we do here is writing about characters, not the institution they operate in. A lot of cod fanfiction doesn’t even take place in the military. I also haven’t drifted away because some writers make heavier/darker content, so I’m squashing that discourse before it has a chance to start.

It would also be disingenuous to say that I drifted away solely because of fandom discourse, but it certainly didn’t help. Thankfully, I only caught the tail end of a recent…controversy? Discourse? Involving other creators. It’s exhausting and disheartening to see this sort of thing happen, but I also realize it’s kind of inevitable that feathers will be ruffled when subjects like racism against Gaz are addressed, and that doesn’t mean we should just stop talking about those subjects. I don’t have a good solution to this and I don’t mean to complain about something that’s just a part of human nature. I just can’t pretend that it isn’t really demoralizing to see people acting poorly and the internet slapfights that result from it. I hope those involved in the recent incident are taking care of themselves. ❤️

Anyway, if you’ve gotten this far, thanks for reading. I have a lot of love left for this fandom, and especially my fellow creators who I have come to consider genuine friends. I feel a deep obligation to everyone who reads and interacts with my work, and I can’t continue to leave people waiting when I know it is, most likely, over. So, to be clear: this is the end of my COD writing journey. I won’t be writing any more or continuing any of my fics.

All of my works, both here and on AO3, will remain up, so you don’t have to worry about anything being deleted. I’m still grateful to cod for bringing my zest for writing back, even if it was only for a handful of months. And if you guys want to see unpublished drafts (like for kingdom come), have questions, or simply want to know my plans for fics that won’t be finished/want to know how they end, please send me asks or reach out! I would love to talk about it. Mutuals are, as always, extremely welcome in my DMs, and it means the world to me that people have been checking in on me during my hiatus.

TLDR:

I’m leaving for good. None of my fics will be deleted, but they won’t be updated anymore. I won’t be active on this blog, but I’ll still check in once in a while to answer any asks or questions about my fics.

I don’t think this will happen, but it’s worth saying: please don’t use my departure to make sweeping generalizations about the fandom or start more discourse. I just drifted away and lost interest. Take care of yourselves.

[peachkkuma]

📓. DIARY ENTRY 08 ︴MAY 18, 2024

dear loass diary…

I’d say I’m pretty close to the end of my manifestation journey knowledge wise, Id say there’s very little I haven’t learned. The only thing there is is for me to then guide myself and not rely on the knowledge of others, which I’ve been pretty good at lately. Which means there’s literally no excuse, I know how the law works and I’m confident that I know how the law works. So why am I not manifesting what I want? I feel like there’s this resistance. I’ve figured things out and set things straight, there’s no confusions anymore. So why can’t I actually apply my knowledge? Especially when I was most excited to have my desires around this time of year? I’ve been wondering that these past couple of days after I caught on to my resistance to even begin the manifestation “process” and I think that right there is a reason all on its own. I see manifestation as a processes for some reason even though I understand that it’s not. We’re not manifesting or creating anything new, we’re just becoming different versions of ourselves. It’s not a process since we embody those versions instantly. So why do I see it as something tiresome, why do I see it as pretending, as unnatural? Its like part of me thinks happiness is beyond me (or behind me, is more accurate) so to embody a version of me that is incredibly happy would be nothing but pretending. I think I’m too used to being this down in the dumps kinda person, to the point where it’s holding me back from being something more, something I want to be. It feels weird to be like “haha everything is perfect” and then not have feelings, real and genuine feelings, to match that. But I rlly don’t know how to embody it, I can explain it on paper but enacting it is something different. Maybe I’m just not used to it? Maybe I’m coming at it from a way that stems from desperation and force? I mean to be fair, whenever I felt like I wanted to become my desired self it was always when I was desperate to know if things were going to be okay so I’d force it. Another idea that crossed my mind was maybe it’s burn out? I mean I’d been actively consuming the law for almost 3 years and as my knowledge has grown, I’ve been learning everything and anything 24/7 for the past 9 months. My knowledge has grown and become stronger, stronger than its ever been but maybe now I’m just so tired. I’m tired of constantly feeling like I don’t have something and I need to get something, and those feelings have been tied to manifestation. Literally the other day I was like “ugh I know I need it and that I wanted it but like I kinda want nothing to do with it rn” in regards to my dream life I’ve been manifesting. My life has been constantly revolving around manifestation, what I lacked, and what I wanted and now that I know I’m near the end, that I can basically taste the finish line, I’ve burnt out. I don’t want anything anymore. I just want to feel like things are okay, in imagination, in the 3D. I don’t want a “mental diet” or to visualize anymore, I don’t want to keep reminding myself to see things from the eyes of my desired self. Maybe the thing I actually need to learn is how to let those things come naturally, how to not feel stressed out or desperate when manifesting. And I suppose I could jist decide that it’s easy, that I’ve already become the desire version of myself. I just feel like It’s all a chore rn. Even tho manifestation is supposed to be enjoyable. Someone make a wikihow for how to recover from manifestation burn out.

kisses, peachkkuma

[positivelyghastly]

.

I know I’ve been working on things in the background and posting about my little miniature reliquary (which will be finished soon, I promise) but I haven’t posted any art in like. Over a month and I’m feeling this weird sense of guilt about it. Like, I know I don’t exist to crank out fan art and I don’t owe anyone anything as far as being a fandom artist goes, but still. Shit’s real weird for me right now. I’ve been so burnt out this whole year so far and my health has been declining a little faster the last couple of months which has been scary too. I need to try and get ahold of my GP tomorrow morning to get an EKG done because I genuinely don’t think I can wait until the end of the month when I have my cardiology appointment without my heart getting worse.

All of that as well as some other things I don’t want to get into have been weighing really heavily on me and it just feels impossible to make anything that I’m truly happy with. I can only take so many “rest days” from drawing without feeling like I’m being lazy or getting rusty or out of practice. I guess what I’m trying to say is, I’m trying my hardest to find the joy in creating again but it’s taking a little longer to find that joy and I have to make peace with that, otherwise I’ll just make myself feel worse. So yeah. Moral of the story: don’t kick yourself while you’re down and be gentle with yourself

[cyncerity]

hi everyone! little bit of an update!!

to those of you waiting for the next part in the store shifter au: it’s almost done, i swear.

the rest of this is a lengthy explanation cause y’all know me, i can’t write something short. tldr will be bolded at the bottom if you don’t wanna read all this.

i wanna explain something real quick: in my early years of middle school, i was into creepypasta, which pipelined into Marble Hornets, which pipelined into a ton of other slenderverse series. If you don’t know what that is, it’s an ARG with an emphasis on characters being stalked or hunted by Slenderman. All of them are really really good in their own way and do interesting things with not only Slendy, but adding their own new big bad’s and lore and i’d highly recommend watching one if you haven’t yet. (i may make a separate post about which you should watch based on what kind of content you most enjoy cause i really want to indoctrinate more people into this)

My favorite slenderverse at the time had a very big emphasis on early November, specifically November 11th. So i started to have a little tradition of watching those videos every November 11th even after the hyperfixation had faded just for a bit of nostalgia.

Fast forward to now- it has snowballed to the point where every year for over half a decade now, November 11th rolls around and I am thrown violently headfirst back into my slenderverse phase. I cannot control it. I’ll be like “ok this year i’ll be normal about it, after this long, surely watching one video won’t spiral me again” and it always fucking does. No other hyperfixation i’ve ever had has functioned on a calendar cycle so idk wtf this is. This is the 6th year of this. I cannot escape.

So yeah, per how it’s been since middle school, November-January my main hyperfixation will be slenderverse. It could be shorter, it could be longer, but that’s the general pattern i’ve noticed over the years. After that i’ll pretty much be back to normal.

Don’t get me wrong, i’m not taking a 3 month hiatus or anything. I promise i will do my best to get the store shifter au part out before fucking 2024. But if you’ve sent me an ask recently and i’ve ignored it, i’m genuinely so sorry, but i can’t force myself to work on new stuff right now when mcyt g/t isn’t my main interest. I’ll do my best to get to it eventually when the hyperfixation comes back a bit more, i do read and process and think about every single ask i receive and it always makes my day when i get a new ask, but yeah. For the next few months i’m probably only gonna be working on and posting stuff that’s been in the works, are from asks that we’re given to me like a year ago and already have wips in progress to answer them, or art that i just haven’t given you yet.

on the other hand, if you’re reading this and you like creepypasta or slenderverse stuff, i’ve created what i think is literally my 5th fucking blog! @cynningly <-i’ve been spamming this for like 4 days cause i refuse to be normal about slenderverse stuff, but follow there if you want horror stuff and so far just a bunch of really shitty edits of internet arg sexyman villains. Also yes all of my blogs have to have “cyn” in the name somewhere, that’s how you can tell it’s me lmao

tldr:

my hyperfixations switched up again, im really into slenderverse (slenderman-centric args) at the moment and likely will be till January. This is a cycle that’s been going on for years now. made an alt for it -> @cynningly

I will still be working to post mcyt g/t stuff, but only stuff that’s a wip or has been in the works for a while. to anyone who has sent an ask recently: sorry, but i can’t take on making new stuff when my focus isn’t purely on mcyt rn. I will do my best to get to it eventually and if you’re one of the people who’s sent a story request or ask recently i truly, truly appreciate it. y’all make my day. but, yeah, that’s what’s going on with me lol

[buzzdixonwriter]

On Genres, Truths, and Tropes (part one)

Hey, remember that third novella I was going to do for my Chronicles of Q’a series?

Ain’t gonna happen.

There’s a reason why I’m pulling the plug -- and we’ll get to that -- but to get there I must first go elsewhere.

. . .

If you haven’t read my previous blog entry “Outta Da Ballpark” do so.

It’s a prerequisite for this.

I’ve noticed one thing about those novelists who write universally recognized and beloved masterpieces:

The more you write, the less likely you are to write something that stands the test of time.

Seriously.  Look at my list.

Hemingway has the best batting average:  1/3 of his books are top line A+ masterpieces.

Jane Austen comes in a close second with 1 out of 4.

Joseph Heller and Mary Shelly do respectably well with a 6 to 1 ratio.

But past that?  Even allowing many of the writers’ lesser works remain compelling reading with a lot of valid insights, it’s clear the more you write, the less likely you are to put anything really groundbreaking to paper.

Why this is so is open to interpretation, but clearly a few factors remain consistent among them.

First off, there’s not that many groundbreaking new insights to offer.

By this I don’t mean the topics are limited, but rather what each writer can bring to the table.

The more one writes, the more likely one is to fall back on topics and themes one’s visited before, undermining the impact of previous writing by repetition.

Second, you can’t summon up a masterpiece on command (at least not “masterpiece” in the modern sense of the term). 

It’s a matter of catching lightning in a bottle.  You can be in the right place at the right time…

…or you can be just a few inches or a few seconds too far away.

A lot of factors -- some of them external and beyond the writer’s control -- determine what does or doesn’t become a masterpiece.

The best a writer can do is to always swing for the fence by writing openly, honestly, and fearlessly about the things that matter to them.

Always be at the top of your game, and constantly hone your skill set.

. . .

Two things I noticed when compiling my sampler list of writers who wrote masterpieces:

There are few genre writers among them.

Writing for other media doesn’t seem to either hinder or help a novelist’s ability to write a masterpiece in that format.

The genre question has a fairly simple answer:  The few writers who write genuine masterpieces that transcend genre either do so at the start of a genre (in Mary Shelley’s case she virtually created the genre by penning Frankenstein and The Last Man, the first two novels that could be legitimately called science fiction) or to write a work that effectively ignores the genre it supposedly falls in (viz. Bradbury).

This is not a putdown of genre (any genre) but an acknowledgement that leaning into the strengths of a particular genre also require leaning into its weaknesses as well.

And the biggest weakness of all genres is that each contains various tropes that appeal to fans of that genre, and while one is allowed to turn those tropes on their ears occasionally, one must never utterly reject them.

The mystery must be solved, the romance must be consummated, the outlaws must be headed off at the pass, etc., etc., and of course, etc.

The challenge is writing honestly and fearlessly while confining yourself to genre boundaries.

Not an easy task.

Because of that, many writers undercut their stories -- their real stories -- by adhering to tropes and other genre conventions instead of letting the story tell itself the way it should be told.

The story -- the real story -- is never what the plot is about.

The real story is the true meaning behind the plot.

Genre won’t force you to betray your story.

Genre will preclude you from tackling a story.

The other media / format question is more complex:  Harlan Ellison once observed the great blessing of writing for television was that in three months one could easily earn enough to live comfortably for an entire year, enabling you to write whatever you wished during the other nine months.

I’ve said writers need to constantly hone their skill set and craft.

That can be done through any number of other media.

Short stories / comic books / movies / video games / stage plays.

All of them let you stretch and grow and experiment.

None of them are counted against you when you write a novel.

At worst it’s the slumming you needed to do in order to do the real work.

 © Buzz Dixon

[buckawoos]

Where you been, Buckawoos??

Howdy, y’all! Long time, no see! I sincerely apologize for falling off the face of the art community. I genuinely miss seeing everyone’s art across my feed as well as sharing it around. 💛

I haven’t put pen to tablet in several months now (Poor Shiro-4 collects dust like nobody’s business). My job is very physically demanding and the last thing I seem to want to do lately is try to draw much of anything. I’m also faced with an art block and just a general lack of want to create at the moment, though I’m convinced this is due in part to my current living situation. I’m working very hard to claw my way out of it, so I won’t divulge in those details.

There are a few things I want to go over real quick while I have a moment to write out this update! But I’ll try to put together a little TL;DR at the bottom, too!

General Life Update

Commissions, Ko-Fi, & Art Break

Where To Find Me

General Life Update

As far as I go, I’m doing well! I love what I do at me job a lot. It’s physically demanding and very hands-on, but it keeps me very active. I’ve become a lot more energized and find myself in a much more positive state of mind.

Unfortunately, because I am trying to get myself out of my current living situation, I’m working a lot and trying to scoop up hours where and when I can. This has made my presence online very scant bordering nonexistent. I’m sorry for falling out of contact with you guys, and I do very much miss you!

If all goes according to plan, by this time next year, I should be actively looking in to and applying for different living situations. Until then, I’ll most likely be very quiet across socials. When I do have a day off, the last place I want to be is home. 😅

Commissions, Ko-Fi, & Art Break

Art Break: As I talked about above, I’ve hit a block with my art, from writing to drawing, and everything in between. My muse to create was already waning before I landed this job, but now it seems to have dwindled into nothing. I have a want to draw some days, but it is largely overpowered by my chaotic surroundings. I’m just going to take a break, so there will not be any art from me for a while.

Commissions: I’m not sure if I’ve stated this somewhere, but I will not be taking art commissions in the future, when I do return to drawing. I’ve had multiple inquiries and I’m very flattered! However, my job does not allot me the required amount of time to work on owed pieces, and I also do not want to have to deal with filing freelance taxes. I’m so very sorry, though I do appreciate the interest!

Ko-Fi: I probably should have done this a while back, but with everything, it has slipped my mind; I am closing my Ko-Fi account. I recently received orders on some .PSDs and PayPal has decided that it’s going to be weird about these sudden orders. Once I have these things sorted out, I will be closing my Ko-Fi account. I just ask that nobody else please order from there! The support is wonderful, I just don’t have time to deal with PayPal. 💛

Where To Find Me

As Twitter seems a bust, I have no interest in returning to the platform. It’s been literal months since I’ve checked in, and with the way things are going with it at the moment, I’ve decided I’m not going to bother. So, where can you find me now? For the time being, here on Tumblr! More specifically? @proud-lathyrus! This is my personal Tumblr that receives some activity here and there. It is mostly games (and mostly RDR1/2), but it’s the only social media platform I check before and after work anymore.

If you’ve made it this far, congratulations! And thank you for taking the time to read. I’m sorry that it’s so much - I spent a lot of time trying to get the size of this post down. Let me know how you guys are doing, too! I’ve missed the heck outta y’all!! 🥰

I hope to get things settled down sooner rather than later, but I appreciate you guys for sticking around. 💛

TL;DR: Meeno’s job leaves them tired but they’re doing alright! They’re taking a break from art, will not be reopening commissions for the indefinite future, and will soon be shutting down their Ko-Fi. If you wanna follow Meeno for more than just art, head over to @proud-lathyrus! Why is this TL;DR in third person? Meeno doesn’t know. :D

[elytrafemme]

i’m gonna be real with you, i’ve saw like maybe two or three origins streams ;-; ooo, i would like to hear about them whenever if you’d like!! and if you don’t want them to to public or anything, you can always dm if you want to! gosh, i love headcanons, feel free to come to me and tell me about them anytime you wanna :D

poetry is so nice. i used to write poetry sometimes when i was in really bad moments of mental health stuff, so most of my poetry is really triggering probably. i totally understand you with feeling like characters are living and breathing people, i feel that so much. i had an oc who i adored some years ago and haven’t touched on her since those years ago. unfortunate, i miss her so much (her name is june btw). i miss writing, it’s one of the only things i’ve ever truly shared and created because i used to be good at it, but now i think i’ve lost a lot of that. the last thing i wrote was a short c!ranboo poem that i posted a few months ago (i think). and i completely get you, makes total sense. i think writing in that way is really nice

oh? that’s cool then! i don’t know if you remember, but someone asked you a bit ago what names you’d pick for cs!tubbo if his name wasn’t tubbo, and i can’t remember if that was on anon or not (i think it was, and that was me actually. so we have cs!tubbo and cs!ranboo, haha. mhm, i get you, but i wanted to! because the fic is genuinely so fucking incredible and i wanted to add to the lovely community for it, but turns out it was a guy in my brain. i haven’t seen her in a while…. she’s incredibly mentally ill so she’s weary of being around. but if i see them anytime soon, i’ll let him know you said that. i’m sure they would appreciate that. oh no, she’s fine with it. one of the names he goes by actually is mare, because of you, so i’m very positive they’re comfortable with being associated with you and everything? also please let me know if her using a name of yours makes you uncomfortable, he wouldn’t like to make you uncomfortable :]

HELLO I AM SO SORRY I AM REPLYING SO LATE hope you are well <3

i don't have all the energy atm to explain my full headcanons but basically i had a fic AU set in a modern, non-fantastical universe where the osmp cast lived in this smaller quaint town and eventually o!Ranboo left to move into the city after a natural disaster event happened in the other town and caused her some trauma. her relationships are generally strained but are better with some people than others but inevitably she is able to find her way home. there's more to it than that but that was my idea hehe

poetry is so so so fucking healing seriously, and honestly like! any kind of writing is so important to keep regardless of whether it fits on this metric of "good/bad", like. it's coming from the heart and your experiences and these characters that you connect to (june sounds lovely by the way, <3) and that's what's most important. i've had to give myself a lot of grace with cough syrup about whether or not i was writing it perfectly because, yeah, the first couple of chapters are objectively on the shittier end compared to the rest of the fic. but what matters is that it conveyed what i wanted it to, and it gave me a way to spend that summer, and it meant a lot to me.

i hope this isn't uncomfortable to say but the fact that your csranboo uses the name mare because of me makes me like, tear up a little. and yes, i remember that anon! i find it so interesting how many people have asked me about alternate names i'd give the characters for purposes of fictives because to be entirely honest i am so ungodly shitty with names that every time i flounder LMAO, but it's very sweet that people ask me haha . also tell your cstubbo i say hello as well , there are many brain guys in this community too and i think that's realy neat honestly

[louderrthanwords]

tw: suicidal ideation

1.2.23 || A List Of Observations, In No Particular Order

i. The year is fresh and new, and I am the loneliest I have ever been. 

ii. I listen to After Laughter by Paramore on repeat and scream along, trying to sing myself out of my cynicism.

iii. My friends are all scattered across states and countries and timezones, tied together by a connection to the internet and a tether to my heart.

iv. It is so stifling here that if I have to stay under my mom’s roof for another year, I think I might actually cross the line into insanity.

v. I haven’t read my Bible in months.

vi. I don’t know if I want to be an actress anymore, but I know the ever-present restless itch to create and perform still burns inside my sternum.

vii. Sometimes, the thought of suicide is a comfort. When things start to feel unbearable, the only way I can console myself is by remembering that if life is ever truly too much, there is a way out that I’ll never take, but contemplate for some sense of control.

viii. Sometimes, the only person I stay alive for is my best friend.

ix. Every song I write these days is sad.

x. I drink coffee now, in the early mornings when I work the opening shift. I’ve started looking forward to the sweet, bitter taste on my tongue.

xi. Lying is easier than it has ever been. Telling the truth is more difficult. 

xii. Now, with my short-cropped hair, not feeling the tips of my hair brushing past my shoulders is exhilarating. Now, in the mirror, I see someone beautiful: the kind of beautiful I’ve always wanted to be. I can’t regret cutting my hair, if it means the girl reflected back at me is more genuine than I’ve seen her in years, if it means I feel more at home in my body, if it means I get to feel the wind ghosting across the back of my neck. 

xiii. My mom lost her temper at me three times over three days. I cried each time, and each time it took all my willpower to remind myself that now is not the time to run away, not yet, to stay a little longer and wait out the pain.

xiv. I miss my dog more than anything.

xv. Everyone is lonely; everyone is running after things they desire but don’t yet have.

xvi. I mentioned offhand that I’ve never been kissed, and a girl I know offered to kiss me. Joking or not, I think I’d like to know what it feels like. I’d like to feel something good.

xvii. I finally had the courage to remove his contact from my pinned messages. Last night, when we talked for the first time in months, I realized I can’t continue to exist on crumbs of approval from the same person, he who once buttered me up with kindness and now rubs me raw with reality checks. Maybe this is my toxic pattern: say something vulnerable about myself to a man, trust him, and linger on even after I know he doesn’t love me. I held on a little longer than I needed to. But now I’m tired of not being valued by the people I try so hard to impress.

xviii. It has been two months since I last had an appointment with my therapist. I don’t know if there is something deeply wrong with me or if I am just deeply misunderstood.

xix. I keep the dream of moving away and finding my own home folded away under my pillow. I fall asleep with the promise that I am one day closer to finally making it real. 

xx. During all the moments when I wish for a kind embrace to fall into, she is miles and miles away.

[a-bees-word-vomit]

being my mother’s daughter has always been my worst fear / i always fear that i am nothing more than a product of her / a burden of imaginations & unprotected sex.

i, in myself, am an act of defiance / against G-d, against my grandparents, against my life / i call to poetry as a memoir of blurry images of fast paced “action” against me.

but i never fully explain myself / i never get to finish my sentences / i am erratic & psychotic & mentally ill / i am a troubled teen ravaged by drug use & intergenerational trauma.

every single time i see my grandfather at the thrift store i work at— he stops by every day, my coworkers know him as simply “randy”— i wonder if this was, in part, his fault / randy has always been seen as weird by the family, and, especially, outside of it / i don’t know what happened to my mother, but i do know what happened to me because of her.

i was raped by my mother & mysterious men from the ages of baby(toddler?) to 9 / i was heavily neglected from birth to 14 / no one ever did anything.

it seems that everyone knew something at some point in time / one thing that is notorious in my family’s history is my mother’s fake suicide attempts & cheating / i don’t know about my mom’s side, as they don’t speak to me, but i know my dad’s side knows this all too well.

[according to my grandma] one day, my dad came home from work and came downstairs / he was very pale and looked as if he was crying / all he saw was a note, a turned off phone, and neither his wife nor two children were found / my mom had taken us to a DV shelter, claiming that my dad abused her.

my grandma recalls how happy we were to be with our dad / how the lights in our eyes started to shine a little brighter / until they got back together.

this happened a lot / nothing really happened of it / they haven’t gotten divorced, and my only real solace is that they’re separated.

i was 13 when i reported my mother for sexual abuse / at least, mainly sexual abuse / it was during COVID, so i guess the system was even worse than it usually is / my case went for months without any investigations & without any treatment for me.

what they did, was send me back to my parent’s house / right into the belly of the beast / my mom, after finding out i reported her, tried to kill herself / i found her journal she deliberately left at the house she & my dad were at / and i remember calling my grandma, crying.

it felt like my fault / everything i had ever went through i should’ve shut up about / to this day, i don’t know if i should’ve said anything / but, i think if i didn’t, i wouldn’t be alive.

my mother proudly plastered the illnesses she caused to me as a trophy / i felt so helpless / genuinely believing i was paralyzed a few times from the lack of energy i contained in my body / she took everything from me.

my innocence / my virginity / my sobriety / my ability to live a normal life / my secure attachment style / everything i could’ve had.

and every time i talk about my story / i do wonder if people even believe me / because lesbian rape is absurd / how does a woman rape a little girl? / that doesn’t seem logistical.

it’s why i fear every time i sleep with someone that i am abusing them in some way / that the fact i am knowledgeable about consent & sex now / somehow paints me as a liar.

“little white lies” destroy me sometimes / the concept that i can get trapped in a web of lies that i created / the fact that i can be my own demise.

after my suicide attempts / i acknowledge that i can’t be my own demise / because i will be my mother’s daughter.

[everygame]

Dig Dug II (NES)

Developed/Published by: Namco Released: 18/04/1986 Completed: 22/11/2023 Completion: Finished all 72 levels. Version Played: Namco Museum Archives Vol. 2 Trophies / Achievements: n/a 

I don’t like Dig Dug. I don’t like Dig Dug so much that I have written about it twice and not bothered to really give it more than a sentence either time.

Dig Dug 2, however… is interesting.

It’s not good, let’s get that out of the way first of all. But let’s dig into what it is (pun genuinely not intended). 

Originally released in arcades in 1985, I had access to the later NES/Famicom version, which may have some differences that I haven’t bothered to research. It probably speaks to the incredible success of the Famicom that this was ported, because by all accounts the arcade release was a failure, so they really were shoving anything out as quickly as they could (see: Pac-Land, unfortunately.) 

Dig Dug II is… roughly a twist on the play of the original, where if you don’t remember, you dig around underground in a 2D side-on fashion, trying to horrifically murder underground monsters by pumping them full of air (seriously, what a fucked up way to kill anyone) or, if they’re lucky, drop a rock on their head (much quicker.) In Dig Dug II, you instead view things on an island from a 2D overhead fashion, and try to murder the monsters by, well, still pumping them full of air. But the twist is now rather than digging your way around you can also drill at pre-determined points that create little fault-lines in the direction you’re facing that serve two purposes: they stop the enemies from crossing them, and secondly, if you connect fault-lines so they cut off a part of the island you’re on, it falls into the sea.

This is not a horrible design! You can sort of see how it’s related to Dig Dug, but rather than that game’s free-form digging, it adds an almost Qix-esque ability to saw off large parts of the island to defeat enemies, but only within the designated level designs, an excellent constraint.

Unfortunately… the level designs fumble this completely? This should be essentially a puzzle game game about looking at a level and working out how to efficiently sink it, but it’s not that at all. Maybe there are speed-runners and geniuses that can do it more often than not, but many if not most levels are not designed for you to corral enemies and sink them and end up, instead, frantic attempts to survive as you’re chased around by the enemies, which is honestly a bit too much like the original Dig Dug for my tastes (yes, I know this is Dig Dug II. You don’t have to remind me.)

Most levels I ended up abusing the enemies’ rather poor AI. As they can’t cross fault-lines and can get confused on how to navigate to you (at least on the Famicom) beelining to the nearest drill-point, drawing a cross of fault-lines and just dancing around from one side of the cross to the other while pumping enemies to death was generally the best tactic; indeed, even if you could maybe cause a bit of island to drop off, it was usually quicker and safer to ignore that option and quickly kill enemies (though if you’re going for a high score, it’s not optimal.)

This is a real “close but no cigar” video game, where everyone involved almost created a really cool video game but were stymied by either not knowing how to create levels to better suit what the design was informing what they should do or simply too trapped in the old mindset to push forward. Ah well.

Will I ever play it again? I’ve rinsed this. I was disappointed by how repetitive the Dig Dug Theater animations were for 72 levels!

Final Thought: It is unbelievably weird that they made an online MMORPG version of this in 2008. Support Every Game I’ve Finished on ko-fi! You can pick up a digital copy of exp. 2600, a zine featuring all-exclusive writing at my shop, or join as a supporter at just $1 a month and get articles like this a week early.

[humansun]

caffeine ... why are you here

Written Friday, August 4th, 2023 at 8:26PM

The reason why it’s important to do morning pages and not evening pages is because that is when you are guaranteed enough energy to write. Whereas in the evening, you might not be able to execute that promise to yourself because you’re too sleepy or you don’t have enough time to squeeze in another task. Plus, it takes more energy at night to write when you maybe should be reading and settling down from the day.

Regardless, it doesn’t matter completely as long as you get to write and you find out what times work best for you and your schedule. There have been a million things on my mind that I will bullet point list below:

Being 25 is a wild, unexpected ride full of ups and downs

Learning to not let my emotions control me is a power move, but I’m also thinking about how much I can validate those feelings and allow them to exist

What parts of being logical become financial guru / masculinity / bro mentality?

Having people in your life that are constantly learning is an endless win

I really miss Ravenn and Mai and all my long distance friends like Sha too

Late night crying when no one knows is like, a different level of sadness. 

Tomorrow is a big day not for me but like still a big day

Realizing transformative thoughts and uplifting myself to create change is cool

It’s interesting how we use judgements and negativity to fill in uncertainty about people or just things in general

I miss being bored because lately there has been a million and one things to do

There is a level of being overwhelmed in my life at the moment

Sleep is missed and 5am workouts are also missed

Everyone is my family. Literally

Good thing my bridesmaid dress covers up so much of my body so no one can peep my very, very dry skin

Babies are babies and babies are babies and babies are babies

Thank god for white noise in a world of endless stimuli

Being overwhelmed is real

Is it the caffeine? Probably

What I want the most right now is SLEEP

Vitacane takes EBT aka gamechanger

Relationships can be filled with tumult. 

Why is everything going to be okay? Because I’m stronger than I look and feel. And I started.

Anything having to do with resistance will usually have growth succeeding it

My sister is a wonderful human being

Mom.

I really want grandma to go to the wedding tomorrow tee bee aych

We are all complex, hypocritical, flawed people as much as any celebrity is, we just don’t have it on blast aka what Julie said

Identifying my favorite movie at any given moment is difficult

Writing a speech for a bride and groom is difficult

I really, effing, love my friends

I am hoping to transform and change as much as I can within the next 6 months and the rest of my life really

I genuinely believe that I am capable of changing my dad’s side of the family and even if I don’t, I know I’ll make even an inch of a difference. Hopefully that doesn’t entail too much imposing on other people lol

I wonder if the people I find problematic find themselves problematic

I haven’t responded to a lot of people (personal contacts) and a lot of people (professional contacts) - Yikes!

There’s a lot happening. In life, in my brain, it’s been two days that I’ve been having back to back caffeine sessions which is not good, but it’s life right now. My diet is going well because I’m learning that eating out is not life and it’s not my forever. 

I learned that I’m going to be okay. I learn that everyday.

[saltiestgempearl]

[Image Description: GIF reading: Tumblr 2022 My Year in Review. End Image Description.]

I posted 4,955 times in 2022

That's 1,157 more posts than 2021!

512 posts created (10%)

4,443 posts reblogged (90%)

Blogs I reblogged the most:

@usergrantaire

@tmoblrina

@accessibleaesthetics

@renfieldmrenfield

@marghen

I tagged 3,121 of my posts in 2022

Only 37% of my posts had no tags

#dracula daily - 1,511 posts

#undescribed - 190 posts

#writing reference - 105 posts

#long post - 85 posts

#save - 63 posts

#toh - 53 posts

#writing inspo - 53 posts

#toh spoilers - 35 posts

#us politics - 28 posts

#jonmina - 24 posts

Longest Tag: 138 characters

#but i do wonder if mutual intelligibility between isl and nisl is anything like a similar convo between those two variants of spoken irish

My Top Posts in 2022:

#5

“Can't we get a special?" asked Lord Godalming.

I’m increasingly (but pleasantly) surprised that people told us a few months ago that Arthur would not get any further definition as a character. He absolutely has. He went from “idk who he is but Lucy likes him I guess?” to a rich jock with a heart of gold who is understandably out of touch with how those who are not rich live. And it’s charming because like, he doesn’t look down on the middle or working class, he’s just increasingly mystified by their way of life.

507 notes - Posted October 28, 2022

#4

Part of the reason I’m so enamored with Dr. Seward and his arc so far is that it’s thematically very much about the dangers of compromising your morals in favor of what logically seems like “the greater good.”

And I think that’s also part of why it breaks my heart so much to see people refusing to engage with the text in a way that accounts for Stoker’s biases that bleed into Jack’s character. Because when you refuse to do that, you loose the crucial pattern that runs through nearly all of Jack’s genuine missteps so far.

Because I promise you, Seward is not supposed to be a flawless “purely a product of his time” character. He is, however, supposed to be a reasonably smart and compassionate man, and that’s key because it drives home the point that losing yourself on a slippery slope like this can happen to anyone, even good people. We all have to be on our guard when we are tempted to set aside our ethics in favor of a “worthy cause.”

530 notes - Posted August 21, 2022

#3

I think it’s important to remember that Van Hellsing does not actually know he is a character in Dracula, nor does he know for a fact that vampires are real. He is a doctor who happens to know a lot about a lot, including mythology and folklore.

So the past few weeks haven’t JUST been “how do I tell them without sounding crazy?” It’s also very much been a journey from “this reminds me of an old story but that’s just a story, right?” to “this is starting to get to be too much to ignore the possibility of vampires no matter how insane that sounds” to “oh my god I think vampires are real and one is attacking Lucy???”

627 notes - Posted September 19, 2022

#2

You know, there definitely is an appeal to the idea of being able to identify a criminal before they commit a crime. I mean, that would make life so much more simple, wouldn’t it? It’s no wonder phrenology was popular; it was basically a seemingly scientific way for every educated person to become one of the precogs from The Minority Report.

Of course, much like the logic within the The Minority Report, it’s never that simple. And while it’s extremely easy to look back now and point at the painfully racist backbone of the entire working theory of phrenology, I think it would be more useful to ask ourselves what our modern version is, and whether we are falling into the same trap.

Do you buy into the idea that people of certain genders or sexualities are biologically wired for violence, abuse, or other problematic behavior?

Do you buy into the idea that people with certain mental disorders are biologically wired for violence, abuse, or other problematic behavior?

It may not be bumps on a skull anymore, but we have our own modern flavors just the same. No one is immune to this, we all have to stay critical.

1,380 notes - Posted October 29, 2022

My #1 post of 2022

1897: This is a horror novel so I know this isn’t what’s up but it’s hard to ignore the fact that Lucy’s symptoms sound an awful lot like Tuberculosis.

2022: This is a horror novel so I know this isn’t what’s up but it’s hard to ignore the fact that Lucy’s symptoms sound an awful lot like COVID-19.

1,529 notes - Posted August 26, 2022

Get your Tumblr 2022 Year in Review →

[kiwinatorwaffles]

ok it’s time for super england lore

ANYWAY. SO. you may be asking, what the hell is super england? or maybe you aren’t and that’s ok, but i’m gonna answer anyway.

DISCLAIMER BEFORE I START ANYTHING: this is in no way slandering england. this is a parody and exaggeration, and does not intend to reflect anything there that’s real and genuine.

now, to put in the most simplest, barebone terms, it’s an inside joke i made with my friend sky (@skyspersonalhell) about evil x’s home dimension before he arrived on hermitcraft where his original location was like england, but even more english— thus the name “super england.”

sky requested me to put in the super england flag that they made, so here it is:

now the rest is going to take a lot of explanation of like… nearly six months worth of shitpost headcanons that have piled on and connected with each other, so here are a few things that i need to preface before we can get to Super England.

x and ex are created by the void gods, which are ocs me and sky created. these three gods manage the void and server hopping, so they can access any world there is out there. (they are also featured in this fanfic that i wrote, even though i haven’t drawn them formal refs yet. it’s a nice little oneshot comedy, so you can give that a read if you’d like)

ex is the newest creation of the void gods, with x being the eldest and another individual being the middle child. however, due to the failure of the middle child becoming a normal fucking person, the void gods decided to just send ex off to super england so he can be raised by someone else other than them.

unfortunately for ex, super england is probably worse than hell. everyone there is a goddamn dick to say the least, and that is what ultimately structured evil x to be a gremlin asshole as well. you know how my ex design has little scars around his mouth? yeah. that’s because some kids put rocks in his mashed potatoes and he ate it before his sharp teeth were fully developed.

ex literally has nightmares of super england. the shit that bozo Jeff The Minion Ass (canon version not my headcanons) comes up could never top whatever the hell ex had to eat in super england to make him consider yellow dye a delicacy

now, here are two images of Real Things that are in super england

image 1: toast on beans. image 2: the bethesda bus.

some other super england facts include:

there is only One tree in the entire city, due to the fact that there is only One dirt block to grow it on.

there are no stars there. the light pollution is So Bad

nobody can swim there. there is not a single pool there because there is no water

the government is made up of hundreds of clones of boris johnson

the creepers there are pink, thus why ex has a pink creeper plush

the only good thing about super england is that they teach magic at school, which was why ex was able to pull off all that dinky lightning mind control bullshit on episode 350. however, after living on hermitcraft for many years, ex ended up forgetting a lot of really useful magic that would definitely give him leverage over the hermits because he’s out of practice

anyway i hope i was able to do 5 months of inside jokes justice with this masterpost. if not sky is allowed to physically remove me from this app

[cinnamonest]

I am loving all these "Bitter Albedo getting revenge and doing as he wants with the reader"— but also, equally as bitter Creator! Reader growing resentful towards Albedo and wanting to do to him what he's done to her, or even _worse_. Anything to take him out of her life, so she half bakes a plan to "finetune" later, first starting off by building up some trust to get on Albedo's good side, she "gives in", plays nice and gets to work on alchemy with him.

She follows this routine, playing the loving glorified "housepet". But all the while, she's been fine-tuning her escape plan. It would either put him in an equal disadvantage to him, or it might kill her. At this point, either outcome would be mercy. She tells him there's still things from the Art of Khemia she hadn't taught him.

Things she'd learned in her travels while experimenting, not long after they'd gone their separate ways.

It starts out with gathering ingredients for tamer recipes, and just like she'd promised

New techniques, new creations and new knowledge was gained.

She makes him believe that she's adapting to his existence, maybe even tolerating him, but he didn't expect for her to only grow more and more bitter as time went on. The only thing growing in her heart was the resentment she harbored for him, any sort of admiration or genuine adoration she held for her creation all but crushed. She wanted nothing of him ever again, he had gone too far, miscalculated even, in his theory that reluctant "love" would follow his treatment.

Over the course of a few weeks, she has him carefully wrapped around his finger, unknown to him that she would show him just how much mercy she showed him when she sent him his own separate way. He was suspicious at first, of course, but in his moment of weakness, in his need for the approval she had been "showering" him in, he pushes the thoughts aside when he sees that her claims seem to be "valid enough".

He follows her instructions, and each time he gains new information on old, or even lost, techniques. Raging from little things she'd kept to herself so that he wouldn't have to interact with him when they worked together, To combinations only a mad woman who's challenged nature would dare think up.

and one day, she's telling him that she thinks he's ready to try the last thing she had managed to research on her own. He mixes the ingredients according to her instructions, everything seems to be going fine until he adds the last thing— and it's immediately reacted in a messy blast.

Albedo finds himself blinded by the fallout, as well as finding a surprising lack of digits on where his hands should be. His ears are ringing, obviously, such a blast would deafen anyone.

It's the creator's way of getting her own vengeance for the position he's put her in, at least this way, maybe, _maybe_, she can have a chance to finally put her failed created behind her. After all, he was always her most _disappointing_ creation.

AHHHHHH anon that took me aback at the last bit I was not expecting that. Poor little thing, how could master be so cruel...?

After the obvious resulting chaos (and agony), he'd be quiet for a long time. He ties you to the bed with what's left of his hands, having to use his mouth to tie the knot, and... leaves. Usually he's good about leaving you food when he goes out for the day, but not this time. He doesn't say a word as he leaves, even if you call out to him.

And he's gone for several days. You're starving, but even when he comes back, he doesn't say a word at first. Doesn't acknowledge your presence, no matter how many times you call out to him. It goes on like that for hours until eventually, without prompting, after you've given up calling for him, he just simply states a few thoughts.

He was... too kind. He understands that now. You didn't deserve it. You didn't appreciate it properly. So now, you will earn your way back to the way things were.

For starters, he takes the legs off at the scar. No real reason other than to hurt you. To see your horror when you fully wake up, pain, having to adjust. He pulls the same shit where he makes you beg for anesthetic and painkiller, but it's infinitely more painful this time. He keeps you just a little bit awake for the whole thing, even if you beg enough to be given some anesthetic during the procedure.

And after that, he stops talking to you. For good.

He himself is learning to adjust, having been given a prosthetics for fingers (literally Fullmetal Alchemist lmao) that he can make do with. You can learn how to adjust, too. Having *no* legs is actually different than just having numb ones, and learning to live without them is harder than you thought it would be -- your center of gravity and sense of balance changes, you have to avoid certain positions or risk a sharp shooting pain, etc. But even when you stumble and fall, and call out for help... nothing happens. You have to fix it on your own, or, if stuck too far to move, wait until he comes by up to hours later and silently sets you upright. If you call out in what sounds like high distress, he might come running over to make sure you're not in immediate danger, but after looking you up and down and ascertaining you're just uncomfortable and/or stuck, he slowly turns back, deciding he'll help you when he feels like it later.

You don't eat together anymore. He feeds you in a bowl on the ground. The first time, you turn your nose up and fold your arms in disgust... even though you haven't eaten the entire time he was gone. You're just that stubborn. No matter. Eventually, you cave, maybe the second day, maybe the third or fourth. He doesn't say anything the whole time, just takes the food when you make it clear you won't eat it, and puts it out each night, until you give in.

You sleep on the floor. Chained by the neck to the bedpost. You understand the message without needing to be asked out loud. You hated him so much, didn't you? You'd much rather be on the cold, hard floor than in bed, since he's in it, wouldn't you? Since you hate him so much?

And still, he doesn't talk. Somehow, that hurts the most. He was never very talkative, but he'd comment every now and then, ask you for your thoughts on something, but he now acts like you're not even there. No matter how many times you call out to him, he acts like he doesn't hear it.

It goes on like that for a month or so until you finally break down. Latch onto his leg and sob and plead. You feel like you're going insane, you say. You just want him to acknowledge you exist again.

...But why should he, he asks? It's the first thing he's said to you since the leg removal. He won't turn his head or eyes to look at you. What does he get from talking to you? You were so mean. For the few months leading up to the incident, you were so, so, so mean. He tried to be nice and get you adjusted, and you fought him every step (well... not that you were taking many literal steps) of the way. Remember? You were mean from the moment you woke up then. And then, when you were finally nice -- when he trusted you -- you went and did what you did. What reason does he have to acknowledge you? You'll either be mean to him or plot against him again. And that's all he's willing to say.

A few more weeks. A few more breakdowns. You know the intention -- he wants to truly, completely break you in a way that he never could when he was showing you any kindness. And, you hate it, but it's working. You find yourself begging. Sobbing. Rocking back and forth and clinging to his legs. Utterly pathetic, pitiful, humiliating displays of neediness and weakness. It breaks you down until he finally deems you complete, and one day finally makes eye contact with you for the first time in months.

There's not much left of "you" per se, though. The nasty attitude you had back before is almost completely gone. You're finally happy when he talks to you -- something that, after so many months of going insane from silence, you consider a privilege. After so many breakdowns and humiliation, you don't have much pride left to get in the way of begging, no shame about anything you do. It's perfect.

Not that it doesn't come back, sometimes. Sometimes, when you're having good days, you get a bit too comfortable, you forget what a privilege it is to be like this together, and you almost get mean again. But it's fairly easy to shut down with a very specific look that shuts you up immediately.

Oh, and he finds a way to fix himself, in the end. Being an artificial creation, he has a different compositional makeup than a person, so there are... ways to adjust and repair the body he has. In fact, he might even find one that would work on even an organic human, a miracle regenerative formula.

Not that he'd give it to you. But he makes sure to tell you all about it, showing off just how perfectly it regenerated his hands... just to see the look on your face.

[thefanficmonster]

Stranger In The Crowd

Corpse Husband x Reader (Female)

Warnings: None

Genre: FLUFF, Humor, RPF (Real Person Fic)

Summary: Having recently ended the process of moving, Y/N is rightfully very tired but also very excited for the new chapter of her life. Funnily enough, this new chapter includes a newly formed long distance friendship/crush with a very special person from San Diego.

Requested by @boiled-onionrings Hi darling! Thank you so much for your wonderful request and I’m really sorry you’ve had to wait so long for it to be posted but here it finally is and I hope you enjoy the read! Love, Vy ❤

I let out a heavy sigh, relieved to finally be at home after such a long day of standing around in the Georgia heat with only a thin layer of fabric to protect my eyes and head from the scorching sun. Yeah, anyone who says that tent did well at protecting everyone under it today is nothing but a liar. I was in a short, strapless white summer dress, the fabric of which barely had any weight and consistency to provide heat of its own yet I still damn near melted. Ok, I’ll admit, some of the roasting heat probably came from the energy and force I put into singing the songs of my band’s new album ‘Starting At The End’. 

The mini concert we held in this large open field was meant as an introduction to the city of Savannah where all the band members - myself included - are actually from but we all moved to the West Coast to pursue our music career. And now that we’ve grown, and the majority of us are married, one of us is a father now as well, we’ve decided to return to our hometown. The decision was so spontaneous and was executed so quickly due to no one objecting to it that it still hasn’t me that I’m no longer in LA. The heat isn’t helping my ‘processing’ process but I’ll get to it eventually. Do I miss LA though? Not sure I do - I think I more miss the people I was closer to while I was there.

Suddenly, as if perfectly timed, my phone dings, notifying me that I’ve received a message. I don’t have to look to know it’s from - there’s only one person I actively text and his name is....

C ~ Your virtual buddy Corpse here, making sure you didn’t die of a heatstroke today. If you did indeed survive, just reply to this message, if not....don’t do anything, I guess.

I can’t help but giggle at the sight of the message. I promised Corpse I’d text him after the concert to let him know I was ok, but the even dragged out for longer than anticipated so I’m guessing he got worried.

How cute.

Me ~ Alive and well, but I do feel like a popped tire of an overloaded truck. Hope that’s a visually appealing description

Corpse and I met on the charity livestream Jacksepticeye organized and invited our band to so we could play Among Us with some of the best gamers and streamers on the internet. It was a huge honor and a ton of fun, definitely an event I’d like to repeat in the near future because I had such a good time and I know all my bandmates did too. We all got acquainted and even became official friends with the gamers that were practically our hosts, Corpse becoming the closest friends I’d earn. That livestream happened months ago and we still text just as consistently.

C ~ Oh I know EXACTLY what you mean. Anyway, as to not exhaust you further to force you into typing, how about you send me pictures to sum up your thoughts and emotions and plans for the evening

This is OUR THING trademark, mine and Corpse’s and no one can take it away from us. It’s a significant element of our friendship that enables us both to understand one another when one of us feels the way I described in my message - a popped tire or a deflated balloon. I’m usually the exhausted one - blame the many shows we do and the many meet-and-greets we organize for our lovely fans. It’s the type of exhaustion none of the band members mind at all, but we definitely need some time to recover from it.

As I go to sit down on my couch, the flower crown I’ve been wearing slips off the top of my head, falling on the floor, creating a soft noise that attracts the attention of one of my many cats - Sasha. She’s the youngest and most curious kitty in the family, always protected by the other four - Luna, Cassie, Silver and Lynn. Those four are far lazier and a lot more disinterested in comparison to Sasha who immediately runs over to see what’s fallen.

I smile to myself, taking the flower crown and undoing it to lessen it by a few stems to make it smaller, all the while being watched by the curious Sasha whose interest is rewarded in the end when I put the now adorably tiny flower crown on her head.

While she still hasn’t shaken the thing off I manage to snap a pic which I send to Corpse who opens it mere seconds after it was delivered. 

C ~ Sasha’s pulling off your aesthetic better than you. Sorry, someone had to let you know

I burst out laughing for two reasons - 1.The message itself, damn it! It’s hilarious; 2. Corpse has learnt the name of each one of my cats and never mixes them up - not even Luna and Lynn who look almost identical. That amount of attention to detail is astonishing and very meaningful to me, it genuinely warms my heart and that may or may not be dramatic but it’s definitely not exaggerated.

Me ~ You think I haven’t caught on yet? 

C ~ Well, if it makes you feel any better you pull off my aesthetic better than I do

He’s referring to the e-girl look I did for one show the band had in downtown LA one night. I was drunk and looking forward to trying new things so I improvised the hell out of my outfit but I apparently looked presentable enough to leave a good impression on Corpse despite the pic I sent him being a bit blurry and being a mirror selfie in the bathroom of the very bar we were performing in. It goes without saying that the mirror was dirty too - had a bunch of writing on it which Corpse said only added to the aesthetic. Looking back on it now I kinda agree, and luckily so did the fans in the comments of that same photo when I posted it on Instagram.

Me ~ Means a lot actually. Nowhere near enough to aid the burn of having a cat pull off cottagecore better than I do, but still helps XD

As if sensing that we’re talking about her, Sasha hops on the couch, poking her head over my phone to look down at the screen.

Now this is gonna be golden.

I take a selfie with my phone in my lap, the camera capturing both me and Sasha at a rather unflattering angle which has me losing my mind laughing when I send the picture to Corpse who immediately sends back a string of cry-laughing emojis.

C ~ I can’t tell which one of you is cuter

Me ~ If that was a compliment, I gotta say I appreciate it greatly

C ~ Just telling the truth ;)

It’s times like these that the butterflies in my stomach remind me just why I’ve started catching feelings for this man despite all the distance between us and despite barely knowing him - he knows me more than I know him but I don’t mind it, oddly enough.

I’m fond of our connection and though I sometimes dream of something more, I’m also content with what we already have considering that ‘something more’ seems rather unattainable as of now.

My phone dings again, clearing the fog of thoughts and presenting me with a new message from Corpse.

C ~ Oh, by the way, look what I got....

That message is followed up by a picture of a ticket. A plane ticket to Georgia! 

While I’m still busy stomaching this and dealing with my quickly rising excitement, he sends another message.

C ~ I hope to catch a The Silver Rays concert while I’m there. Heard they had an adorable frontwoman ;)

My breath catches in my throat as a wide grin spreads across my face. The thought of having Corpse so close to me sends those aforementioned butterflies in my stomach into a raving mood and they practically explode my insides with excitement and joy like I’ve never felt it before. I can’t wrap my brain around the fact that we’re about to go from having an entire country between us, to being just some ways away - him in the audience and me on stage without a single clue of who to look for. That’s part of the excitement though, I guess, part of the guessing game that’s gonna make our meeting all the more interesting.

He’ll be a stranger in the crowd and I’ll be a performer on a stage - seemingly two people who have no relation whatsoever. But damn does it go beyond that: No one has to know how hard I’m falling for that stranger in the crowd.

Me ~ I’ve heard so too, can’t confirm it though

If this is gonna be a guessing game, I’ll flip the tables a bit - I won’t take any guesses. I’ll let the answer come to me. I’ll give the first move over to the stranger in the crowd, let’s see what he does.

C ~ I’ll check and let you know, don’t worry

Not worried whatsoever, Corpsie. I’m not worried at all.

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