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being my mother’s daughter has always been my worst fear / i always fear that i am nothing more than a product of her / a burden of imaginations & unprotected sex.

i, in myself, am an act of defiance / against G-d, against my grandparents, against my life / i call to poetry as a memoir of blurry images of fast paced “action” against me.

but i never fully explain myself / i never get to finish my sentences / i am erratic & psychotic & mentally ill / i am a troubled teen ravaged by drug use & intergenerational trauma.

every single time i see my grandfather at the thrift store i work at— he stops by every day, my coworkers know him as simply “randy”— i wonder if this was, in part, his fault / randy has always been seen as weird by the family, and, especially, outside of it / i don’t know what happened to my mother, but i do know what happened to me because of her.

i was raped by my mother & mysterious men from the ages of baby(toddler?) to 9 / i was heavily neglected from birth to 14 / no one ever did anything.

it seems that everyone knew something at some point in time / one thing that is notorious in my family’s history is my mother’s fake suicide attempts & cheating / i don’t know about my mom’s side, as they don’t speak to me, but i know my dad’s side knows this all too well.

[according to my grandma] one day, my dad came home from work and came downstairs / he was very pale and looked as if he was crying / all he saw was a note, a turned off phone, and neither his wife nor two children were found / my mom had taken us to a DV shelter, claiming that my dad abused her.

my grandma recalls how happy we were to be with our dad / how the lights in our eyes started to shine a little brighter / until they got back together.

this happened a lot / nothing really happened of it / they haven’t gotten divorced, and my only real solace is that they’re separated.

i was 13 when i reported my mother for sexual abuse / at least, mainly sexual abuse / it was during COVID, so i guess the system was even worse than it usually is / my case went for months without any investigations & without any treatment for me.

what they did, was send me back to my parent’s house / right into the belly of the beast / my mom, after finding out i reported her, tried to kill herself / i found her journal she deliberately left at the house she & my dad were at / and i remember calling my grandma, crying.

it felt like my fault / everything i had ever went through i should’ve shut up about / to this day, i don’t know if i should’ve said anything / but, i think if i didn’t, i wouldn’t be alive.

my mother proudly plastered the illnesses she caused to me as a trophy / i felt so helpless / genuinely believing i was paralyzed a few times from the lack of energy i contained in my body / she took everything from me.

my innocence / my virginity / my sobriety / my ability to live a normal life / my secure attachment style / everything i could’ve had.

and every time i talk about my story / i do wonder if people even believe me / because lesbian rape is absurd / how does a woman rape a little girl? / that doesn’t seem logistical.

it’s why i fear every time i sleep with someone that i am abusing them in some way / that the fact i am knowledgeable about consent & sex now / somehow paints me as a liar.

“little white lies” destroy me sometimes / the concept that i can get trapped in a web of lies that i created / the fact that i can be my own demise.

after my suicide attempts / i acknowledge that i can’t be my own demise / because i will be my mother’s daughter.

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this is my version of journaling

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havent used this in awhile but here we are

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being a paraphile is hard sometimes

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im in love with hir and i just found out today that shi likes me back. wow. happy days

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oh btw it was all ok. silly esther

me when my bpd is acting up bcus i looked at hir vent caccount and i didn’t understand that i shouldn’t have been until it was too late and now im going to die bcus shi probably hates me

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me when my bpd is acting up bcus i looked at hir vent caccount and i didn’t understand that i shouldn’t have been until it was too late and now im going to die bcus shi probably hates me

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shi never deserved that i cant let my own feelings get in the way of this

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i i want to treat hir the way shi should’ve been treated im so mad at him i am so upset i dont knowbwhat to do

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i fele terrible

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i never wanted to make hir upset and i know shi’s eating rn but i love hir so much i don’t knowbwhat to do