#i have two jobs so it depends
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i dont know how many people who follow me played shovel knight but i still think the body swap feature they added was very neat... basically it started as a standard gender-swap where all the male knights were just going to have female versions
But then they decided to let you pick and choose who you wanted swapped. And they added in the choice for whichever pronouns you wanted the knight to have, which were not bound to whichever sprite you were having them use. (ie. you could use the "female" version of the sprite but give the character "male" pronouns.) They added gender neutral pronouns eventually too.
It was a nice way to modernize the gender-bend type concept I think.
#king knights name gets changed to queen knight and monarch knight depending on the pronouns... thats nice too#also black knights male vs female design is very funny to me bc neither of them have any indication of sex or gender so its just like#black knight with new armor lol#they use some clunky language describing the two sprites as 'opposites' but i still think they did a good job
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I went to my first fiber festival this past weekend! Hoosier Hills Fiber Festival; if I'm still in this state come June next year, I'll probably be back and would love to meet anybody else there. Socializing/hanging out/talking to people without feeling like I was obstructing Real Customers was the one thing I missed, though I didn't really get to any of the free lectures so maybe that's where I could've met some people. Since it was an unknown situation with a lot of people and nearly an hour drive each way, I strategized to make sure I'd go:
First day, I signed up for a couple volunteer shifts. Absolutely a recommended strategy.
Got to be helpful!
They happened to have goodie bags, to help me justify the gas and time (I now have a nice tape measure to replace the one that's been vacationing with a missing sewing kit for a couple years and a lasercut wood two-inch gauge window that might help me with consistency versus my suboptimal practice of just trying to knit perfect squares when swatching in pattern)
I got to learn things about the layout and schedule I wouldn't know to ask when answering questions and acting as a gofer -- especially true working two different locations
And of course, some people were pretty much guaranteed to be happy to see me!
Second day, I signed up for a workshop in the morning so I'd be there and able to shop for anything I needed at the end. Ombre yarn dyeing was the class! It's acid dyes, something I'm several years off from wanting to get into enough to commit to dedicated cookware, full pots of dye powder, etc. The room with the workshop was a barn that had plenty of outlets--but they did not represent plenty of breakers. So there weren't quite enough functional heating elements for the class to have sufficiently cooked our yarn before leaving, and I did need to risk a giant stock pot at home for three batches of four jars, almost-simmering in a water bath for thirty minutes each, of the yarn that hadn't proven it was done (all but the two palest greens). I was a little worried the delay/drawn out heat situation would affect the results but if it did it wasn't much; I got pretty much exactly what I was hoping for with my two color gradient and the single is great too!
The single dye gradient is the color Moss, which did some interesting things with the red portion separating out once they were heated. Every skein has redder blotches, so I'm not bothered about any inconsistency -- if anything it'll help my finished product camouflage stains. Though it was definitely a surprise for me and the other Moss user in the class when our first yarn to have exhausted the dye was the complementary color to what it went in as.
The two color gradient used Rhodamine Red on one end, which was one end of one of our instructor's samples where she chose a cool-green for the other end to show how multi-component dyes mix less predictably than most paint. (It was kinda like shading with markers where you can still see washes of the pink and green in what you squint at and call a grey-brown.) The other end was Cantaloupe, which was one of the maybe three colors she didn't have a sample cut of yarn for. But she described it as the flesh of a perfect ripe cantaloupe and obviously I had to see that, and it sounded like it would be fairly guaranteed to combine nicely with the magenta while being just enough around a bend in the color wheel to be interesting--warm orange versus cool pink. As I said, it turned out pretty much exactly as I was picturing. Not anticipated was how much the jars looked like they were full of some delicious dragonfruit-mango beverage. Were I still a barista I'd be trying to recreate this for my shift drink.
Image descriptions under the cut.
[ID: Five images following fourteen small skeins of sock yarn dyed in individual glass jars, in two gradients. One gradient is six skeins from a medium forest green through a pale creamy pink, the other is eight skeins from a vibrant yellow orange through an even more vibrant magenta. The first photo is inside under fluorescent lights, showing the 32oz glass canning jars with metal lids and rings, full of dye and yarn on a table at the end of the class in which they were filled and heated for a short time.
The next two images are animated gifs. The first gif is two frames showing the finished dye jars sitting in grass, with their yarn and with it removed. The green gradient left only transparent blue color in its jars, and most of the pink to orange gradient's water looks more orange without its yarn, aside from the third and fourth jars from the orange end, which shade toward a neon lilac with the peachy pink yarn removed. The second gif is a view of the inside of the bright green wash bucket, with just the pink-orange yarn in it, then all of them mixed up, all as they were after a soak with the rust-brown water, in the first rinse, and that rinse water alone showing its transparent but still brown tint.
The last two photos show the gradients lined up along a weathered wooden bench on the side of a deck. The first photo has the wet piles of yarn bundled in front of each of their respective jars with remaining dye. The final photo has the clean, dry yarn wound into center-pull balls and still vibrant in the direct sunlight. End ID]
#dyeing#cj gladback#fiber art#ramblings#not pictured or mentioned are the fleeces (a pound of shetland and two pounds of alpaca both dark brown) and second-hand carders i got#so many more fiber adventures in store!#but when i next do my spreadsheet calculating living expenses my entertainment budget is probably gonna have to be larger#even if a recent thrift shop visit was almost cheap enough to reinforce my delusional clothing budget from right out of college#when i was just trying to talk myself into jobs with unsustainable wages like ''ten dollars a year sounds right''#while applying places that required makeup not to mention dry cleaning or would potentially literally burn through your shoes#the carders at least shouldn't be consumables (though depending how the fleece prep goes i may have to buy new carding cloth)#and the yarn i make with the fleece could become part of the clothing or gift budget#anyway i gotta leave them in the bin and finish my time sensitive obligations but you better believe y'all will hear about it when i'm free
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“I am here for you”
(Idk why but people don’t appreciate varadha side of friendship enough.He literally went against his father’s order and gave away his biggest territory for his friend’s safety.He chose to be rather humiliated,looked down and disgraced by everyone than tell why he did that so his friend can be safe. that too for over 25 years(dyk how many days that is)and he was only a 10 years old child.When his father asked him if he knew the kadha’s value,of course he did why would not he? but there was something more valuable for him.His only friend.His Bestfriend.How was he suppose to measure it when he knows what deva means to him. He knew what would happen if he did that but still he gave it away like nothing cus nothing matters except deva to him.he had made his decision.He let his only friend go and he was ready if this meant to be their last meet if it means his friend would be safe and if it meant he had to be alone forever.His mother was no more,his father dishonored him,his step siblings hated him.He was alone raising his little brother. “A Child raising a Child” he went through so much hardship at such young age. He had to grew up an adult before he knew he was just a little boy. He had many people depend upon him at such young age. He couldnot just let himself get swept away and be carefree. He has responsibilities. If deva is ready kill and bury anyone before they try to even touch a strand of his beloved’s hair(lets say varadha😏), varadha is ready to give away his everything for his loved ones even if it means his life.)
#salaar#varadha rajamannar#prithviraj sukumaran#varadeva#devaratha raisaar#varadha is such an amazing character#his part of friendship is equally strong#idk what path rode to their friendship demise and idk what path will prashanth neel choose#but til now and how much we have seen of him#I just love the character Varadha. both the child actor and prithvi did such a wonderful job portraying the character and his emotions#when prithvi described varadha as a vulnerable character.#I got it. yes he is. the emotions he buried for so long makes him so emotionally unstable and we can see it#his sorrow runs so deep.#his buried emotions has become his nightmares but he still can’t show it all cus he can’t appear weak. he has to look strong#to his enemies and for the ones who depend on him#I want to give him a tight hug😭he is so alone now#varadha made me fall in love with prithvi guys😭best choice for Varadha lmty#I am sobbing now🥲🥲🥲#well I made two of this edit one for varadha and another for deva. Both different tho#karthikeya dev
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love this part of my life where the things that are difficult but challenging and good for me are things i can stop and skip and halfass, but the things that are difficult and painful and pointless are the things i have to live with no matter what
#school and home life are too much to handle so i skip school#because i cant kick my parents out#and appartments cost money#and i dont have a car to sleep in#i could maybe try to dig up my old childhood tent but that brings a whole host of logistic questions + im scared and it's difficult#anyway. it's fine. it's cool. i just have to hold on until i graduate high shcool and then ?????#find a way to live without my parents money OR scholarships#all for some nebulous end goal of having a job (the only field i'm interested in and good at offers two options:#to become an academic#or to become a freelancer#i do not have the fortitude to be an academic and being a freelancer is convoluted and pays like shit)#i might've spent 24h without my parents occasionally if i spent the night at a friend's place once or twice recently#but besides that the last time i've gone 48h without my parents was when the mental health center organised a week camp uhhhh...#two summers ago#incredibly good for my mental health as you can see#god i remember like... years ago. around 13yo maybe or 14. a guy. i dont know if he was a mental health professional or like social cases#but anyway he told me ''you're too afraid to be away from mommy and daddy'' and it made me want to rip his eyes out#several other people have implied or suggested that too over the years and it's just#am i too dependant on my parents? yes. will it be difficult to take my independance? yes.#does it means i don't both rationally recognize and feel that this is really fucking unhealthy and hindering for me#on top of being unpleasant?#FUCK NO#i want out my guy. there's just not many opportunities for an already mentally ill teenager#now that i'm eighteen i have to grapple with the logistical problems of the money needed and how to continue my education#and im sure a billion more if i start searching a little more seriously#perhaps i should kill myself that way i don't cost anyone any more money#broadcasting my misery#vent
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i was rereading the story dialog for the sephirah while ago (upper layer so far considering i have a doc to contain all of my ramblings and thoughts once looking it over and getting actual lines to be able to know exactly what was said to base my feelings off of rather than the pure unfiltered pain or i suppose somewhat shock at first and those garbled memories of what happened) and after reading tiphereth's and then going to netzach's again it's just.
imagine you have to see what is deemed your other half, the person keeping you sane, your only companion you actually love and like, your literal ‘twin’ have to get crushed but some bum that never does his job and can easily be seen as 'not meeting standards' does get the same treatment at all when your own brother had been destroyed for less like spiraling into some dangerous stains of thoughts (thought be fair he did end up not as respondent and at that point already had what i'll inadequately describe as 'memory leakage' . But from the general idea of the side of tiphereth). he'll be more better than that drug addict ever will be in her eyes, someone who can't even do a report on time and even then is half assed to where at that point they'd just do it themself in the first place. he'll be way better, someone who is quite literally her family. yet why is her brother the only one that needs to suffer through that constant degradation of the soul? the constant wiping of the self? the memories made and lost? why the hell is someone that should deserve it in her eyes, someone so unmotivated and lazy, someone who she deems as a person not able to do a single thing right, not having that happen to them? why is it the person she loves so dearly, so close to her that she wishes would've stayed instead of some now hollow husk and imitation of imprinted memories when that hasn't happened to Any One Else? why does she have to go through all of that, having to see someone that she used to know and adore turn into a hollow husk and imitation of what once was - having to feel as if shes already looking at a walking corpse with memories shoved inside - just for someone like Netzach to not end up crushed to pieces.
#lobotomy corporation#lobcorp#tiphereth#lobotomy corp ramblings#netzach#i suppose so? im not quite sure but it does reference him#JUST SO YOU KNOW i adore him and dont hate him for feeling as if he has to depend on substances to even get through the day or exist#or to 'survive' in a situation when he was unwillingly even put into the position of hopelessly having to be in charge of people's lives#it's a bit odd because i tend to switch to 'you' when writing from a purely emotional standpoint when trying to get into a mindset#so it might seem like i agree. NO . NO?? just trying to maybe understand what she couldve felt at that moment#im not that clear with my words sometimes and i dont want them to be taken in a wrong way....... i hope it communicates what i wish it to#its not pure animosity. but for someone who is already grieving another who is standing right next to her she likely--#-- holds some amount of hate and distaste towards him. in lobcorp already considering his work ethic and having to do a job#OH THEY REMIND ME OF ADAM AND EVE FROM NIER AUTOMATA#one wanting to try and ascertain a 'reason' or 'truth' of existence while the other one just wants them to stay By Their Side.#not caring for that 'deeper meaning' or if there is any 'meaning' at all. their 'meaning' was their love. their life was the two of them#together. side by side. wanting the other and that was good enough for them.#not EXACTLY the same but the idea of loss and two siblings . with generally the same idea yk.#lobotomy corp spoilers#ALMOST FORGOT THAT yeah spoilers.#PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE if you feel a different way or see it in another way tell me i want to understand more#lobotomy corporation spoilers
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METAL SONIC X CHAOS ZERO!!!
IN ALL THE CHARTS I COULD FIND!!
Some of the charts got repetitive, so i cropped it.
NOTES: there may be someee minor inconsitences as sometimes id change mind my across one chart to another.
If you want an expliantion for ANY of my choices here, please ask! I am starving for conversation about this relationship- so please please please ask my questions- or just tell me your own ideas! Idk! Communicate! Your words and thoughts are not dumb!! They are very important to me and must be shared!!!
Also, some more of my thoughts + notes after the cut:
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I think my favorite charts are the first two, since the first one was pretty thourghough and easy to get whilst also including intresting and unique questions to the relatio ship dynamic. the second one i added a bit of character interaction so its really cute, and thats practically why i like.
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I particularly like the touch chart, as i really had to consider wthe physicality of these two, and the custom model was fun to make (look they're even holding hands haha). It was a bit tricky considering i had to figure out what touches where welcomed and what weren't based on previous canonical interactions, and my own theories/speculations.
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Oh, to explian the "lends clothes" and "borrows/steals clothes", i always found the neat detail of Neo Metal Sonic's wardrobe possesing a kind of.. arm warmer/bell sleeve? As well as its pants(?) Being a bell bottom.
Without the belt/butt cape, it does make metal sonics limbs somehwhat resemble the sillouette of Chaos' body, so obviously- i just figured that Chaos, if he were to wear any clothing, would probably be stolen by Metal Sonic since it already seems to be fond of that particular look that Chaos naturally has.
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Oh, and Metal and Chaos being somewhat organized is due to thier jobs and enviornment they grew up in. Eggman, being the opposite of Sonics carefree, chaotic attitude, would likely prefer more cleaner, organized or "controlled" enviornments. Thus, i feel that Metal Sonic may have picked up a few tidying or cleaning habits that were a cause of eggman simply teaching or implimenting features in his bots to prefer the "clean up" of "dirty" or "messy" areas.
For chaos, i do recall reading something (perhaps on the chao wiki) of him purifying the Altars water and keeping it relatively clean from debries and such. Furthermore, having to be sole guardian of little children chao, the altar and the master emerald, requires a lot of responsibility and- if anyone has worked with children before- it can get very messy very quickly. So its mere speculation, but i do think Chaos would have picked up many cleaning habits as well, as well as cooking/harvesting skills due to him having to take care of large batches of critters.
Surprisingly, for a creature named "Chaos", the name only truely applies to the singular instance in which he is "Final Chaos" (as thats likely what the echidnas called him during and after that time.) Turns out, Chaos is way more controlled and responsible than chaotic and carefree.
So to segway, out of the two, Metal Sonic would be way more chaotic considering its nack for stirring up trouble (CD, Sonic Heroes, Chaotix.. ect) for the heroes, as well as it not really having major responsibilites outside of its purpose to "destroy sonic" and occasionally obey whatever task eggman requires of it.
Thus, is why in the driving promps, i title it "a speeder".
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To explain the "Cognito Egro Sum" (aka. I think therefore i am) and the "infinty symbol" for the ages, er.. Metal sonic is a robot, and Chaos is an immortal being. If your being technical with it, you can say they're both relatively young, considering Chaos chao can't age and are often stuck in the form they were hatched in- despite the fact that chao do infact change as they age-
One can consider the idea that Chaos, for all intensive purposes, looks and probably is pretty young- if we apply chao logic to him.
Though one will argue "but Chaos is ancient" which is true, but his case is similar to Shadow's as he was trapped in that Master emerald for... millions of years............. so, similarly to how shadow was stuck for 50 years yet remains a teenager both inside and out, Chaos- for whatever age he was before he got trapped, probably still thinks and acts like that, as well as Tikal. Except now they probably need a LOT of therapy.
^hence why i put chaos's sleeping habits as "sleeps poorly" and "sleeps to little". In hindsight, being trapped in a emerald for thousands of years, with your freind of who's father killed your entire* family and burned your house (altar) down and tried to steal your most precious item (master emerald) and being the girl whos stuck with your freind(?) who killed your entire bloodline and basically genocided your entire community- stuck with him for THOUSANDS OF YEARS- is.....is going to require a lot of therapy.
So y'know, bad sleeping problems. Also probably why i depict Chaos hugging a lot + being affectionate, since being deprived your community that is entirely reliant on the concept of "caring, loving, and nurturing one another" (cause.. the opposite of that means chao will basically die upon reincarnation), for thousands of years is... a good recipe for touch starvation and a need for attention.
^hence why chaos is also on the attention side of some charts.
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^ just conintuing off of that previous statement, i did move Chaos closer towards "extrovert" in the "extrovert or introvert" prompts, as since Chaos, unlike Metal Sonic, deals closely with many chao, and often is surrounded by a crowd of them, i do believe that Chaos would have to atleast gain some energy from social interaction in order to surivive that every day, without burning out.
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The whole "who talks more" thing is kind of funny because, technically, its metal sonic (see Sonic Heroes + Sonic Free riders) who has more lines than.. Chaos's total of zero!
Meaning that, if anything, the "he said no pickles" meme would probably mean that Metal Sonic would be at the counter whilst Chaos is sitting in the back.
Though, compared to MANY other characters, these two are practically dead-silent, and would most likely rely on non-verbal ways of affection than verbal.
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Oh and the "ethical v. Immoral thing" where i emphasized that chaos was "neutral" was because by compsring him to "chaos chao", theres a dark side, good guy side, and then neutral. Considering Chaos's history of amazingly goodwilled to horrendously incidous, one can conclude that he practically in the middle in terms of ethics or morality.
Metal sonic is definetly on the more immoral side, though i wouldnt put it all the way, as i do have considering enviornmental aspects to its behavior (such as well.. being a badnik, and being constantly exposed to eggman's immoral behaviors). So, other than like, unnesecarily abusing animal freinds in CD, and throwing a ship probably full of people at sonic (Sonic heroes) there aren't many instances in which Metal Sonic does something completely immoral and unjust- without any context regarding eggman ordering it too, or simply it just doing its job as a badnik.
However those actions are prettt bad on its own- though compared to... killing out an entire species... drowning thousands of people in a city and attempting to kill eggman with a giant laserbeam... and to whatever hyjinks eggman gets up too...
Its actions seem.. relatively small (though not obsolete.)
So like, theres not going to be many issues regarding "metal sonics gotta be a good guy"/ "i can fix him🥺" mentalities, since its kind of hard to do that, when you have a kill count of a 100+ whilst Metal Sonic is still on the "i'm needlessly harming animals, and threw a boat"...
Then again, i like to think the leiniency allows for them to work on themselves together, rather than tear eachother down or hate eachothers guts.
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Transgender - both for my headcannnon, but also a refrence to it literally going "i transformed myself with my own hands" and well, i cant resist a pun/play on words now can i?
Agender- chaos dont have.. genders.
However, i thought this would change when introduced to concept of feminine and masculine models of the ancients in frontiers, but looking at Chaos, he doesnt resemble either one very much (tbh, in Sonic Forces, his model actually looks more akin to the fem version, than the pointy and sharp masc ones) and looks more akin to that of the children, if anything.
Plus, being masculine or feminine isnt really and indicator of gender anyways.. so like..???
So what? Does Chaos, gender? NOPE! Chaos isn't an ancient (thats his ancestor) and is a mutated chao. Chaos are genderless, or atleast out of that particular binary.
If Tikal showed up one day and started calling Chaos a "he/him", its likely that Chaos could've just.. adopted that. Assigned pronouns by random. Amazing.
So agender, as i can't think of anything else.
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Sexuality -idk. Look, i dont consider whomth one likes. The knowledge of my characters, or other characters sexualites comes upon me in the way preists suddenly hear the words of their gods.
I dunno, until suddenly i know. Thats just how it is.
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Ending it here cause im hungrt and cant think of anything else to chat on.
#metal sonic#chaos 0#chaos zero#metal sonic x chaos 0#metaos#shipping chart#still obssesed with that touch chart btw#like i did not realize Metal Sonic had such head-pat energy untill now#i even added an extra' lighter green to indicate where the nirvana spots are#like considering i kind of just had to guess and speculate based on minor context clues- ESPECIALLY with Chaos-#i think i did an okay job with Metal?#but damn i didnt realize how much upper body touches between these two have effected my physce. like of COURSE they'd have opposite touch-#but just seeing that stark difference is so fascinating to me. like#the no no spots make sense because these are important assets to their body inorder for them to function properly. touch a brain is danger-#-ous and touching its inner jet engine wings incorrectly may break then and ground Metal Sonic (in bird logic- that equals to death!)#but like the hands and chest thing for chaos makes some sense considering he'd have to care for chao who may have to be picked up- or#even carried in his arms- of course he'd feel comfortable there. but metal sonic who is mostly orange- would only be accustomed to generall#negative or bad touches like punches- hits- the sweet kiss of concrete scratching every once of metal off its body...#with the only generally positive ones being for mantience by eggman- thus everything is a “depends”.#but the head- the head pats- that area is the one that gets the most positive attention- especially considering eggman in the mixture#due to being tall- hed have to settle for doing head pats to give it praise- which mightve made Metal Sonic associate his head with “good-#-touch“. whilst the opposit reind true for chaos- whos body is practically impenterable except for its head (particularly its brain).#so people would attack it from that particualr region#and the vunerability and lack of defense would cause him to associate that area with “bad touch”#fun stuff!! this was super fun!!!!!!
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Shady sakura facts
#naruto#the woman is ino or sasuke depending. i think my favorite sakura trait that does not actually really have canon support is that she's a#crazy ass doctor...#like we know she's the one w medical jutsu bc kishimoto thinks women are naturally nuturing and caring but sakura is not she and naruto are#two halves of the same idiot except she has less of a moral compass so i think they should let her get freaky with it. incorporate med juts#into combat. she can use it to heal so why can't she reverse it...#ok my other favorite sakura fact is that she's deeply employed. that lady got a job. naruto well he cant say the same.
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Can I just say that I feel it’s a little odd that the Mystic Seller just rips Narinder from whatever afterlife he went to just to give him up as a prize?
I get that game-play wise this was to allow people who chose to kill him post-battle access to a unique follower that would have been unobtainable before, but story-wise it just has me like ??? Why did they do that???
Idk maybe I’m missing something, but was anyone else sorta weirded out by this part of the game?
#I know the simple answer is that it’s the reward the lamb gets for restoring order#but I feel like the intensity of what the seller gives the lamb after they complete their mission varies greatly#depending on whether or not the player spared Narinder after his boss battle or not#if you chose to spare him the sellers like “#ok here’s a statue of your predecessor#but then if you previously killed him they just drag the man himself kicking and screaming back to the land of the living#giving him as a gift to his killer#two very different rewards for the same job and it just has me like 🫢#idk I just always felt this potential segment of the game was kinda nasty#and it just makes me think the seller has some vendetta against Narinder personally#or maybe I’m missing or forgetting something hmm#side note: I know I’ve been rambling about this but I have actually never seen this interaction with the seller with my own eyes#I found out that this was a thing from the wiki because I refuse to kill Narinder since it’s objectively the worse option#and because it’s the worse option most people spare him as well for the natural immortality trait#but now I’m having trouble finding footage of when the seller gifts him to the Lamb#because everyone spares him#so now I’m wondering if the seller just throws his ass on the ground or just holds him flailing upside down before finally dropping him#kinda like when the lamb is running to put a follower in the stocks#cult of the lamb#mystic seller#cotl narinder#my post
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I got a job as a bookseller!!!
#nat talks#listen. it's not the dream bc I've already worked in a bookstore and it's actually terrible at times#but I only really worked during holidays and people were just so rude#BUT I do have higher hopes for this location#also I tentatively know two people who work there so it will be fun!#it's a sub role and a little unclear if I'll only work during christmas and the book sale in feb or more#it depends on if the people who are on sick leave will return and when#but I can keep freelancing and apply for corporate jobs I want in the meantime#at the very least I can work during december either way and if I end up finding something else maybe I can work weekends during the booksal#so to not let them down too much#I honestly am just looking forward to getting out of the house and meeting people and working with my body more#because my mind is very fried#I have a short shift tomorrow to train#then I'll see when I'll officially start but it will probably be soon!#I've had a very busy few days so I wish I had said I could do my training shift next week#bc they gave the option of this wednesday or next#but I didn't want to turn it into a “thing” by letting too much time pass bc I might get anxious about it#but now I wish I had lmao I'm tired#also forgot I was gonna be home alone with the dog tomorrow#had been looking forward to it tbh#oh wellll#work stuff
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one thing abt being disabled/chronically ill that some people don’t get is that sometimes body maintenance that ensures you have the absolute minimum amount of function can also be something that takes away a lot of control and autonomy. you can argue till the cows come home that making those decisions to try and help yourself (or realistically to try to make sure things aren’t worse than they already are) is something that exhibits control and autonomy and stuff, but they can be so limiting in practice because they’re things that take up so much time but have to be done to do anything else
#i have to sleep a lot. i’m at the point where functioning requires 8 hours of sleep if not more#I should probably be getting 10+ but i’m a student and i work so 8 is the minimum. but then also getting ready for bed is a whole process s#the whole thing can take 10-12 hours depending how much im sleeping. just to make sure i can do anything#that is time in my day i cannot use for anything else. it’s not ‘oh but i can push through it’ because i can’t without spending the next da#lightheaded and nauseous and vaguely dizzy and with such intense brain fog I can’t think with my fatigue so bad i genuinely don’t know how#get myself to work a lot of days. my abled peers don’t have to deal with this at all. they have unlimited study time if they want to#and yeah it is a choice i’m making that’s true i could just not do. except i would lose my job and fail out of college because i would not#be able to get to classes or do my homework or think. but being told ‘but you are making choices about your life’ when i have lost so much#of what i used to be able to do because i am spiralling down and continuing to get worse is so.#literally last year i would wake up at 6:30 and then go to school till 3 and then go to my internship until 10 and get home at 11 and be in#bed anywhere from midnight to two in the morning and then wake up the next day and do it all again. i graduated with a 3.9 gpa and made it#into my top college while dealing with my cancer symptoms and then the two surgeries about it#but now i lose half my day to just making sure i can get out of bed. i can’t go anywhere because my body is physically too exhausted#any extra time goes into doing homework or occasionally time to myself#not decimating my health by doing minimum body care responsibilities isn’t freeing. occasionally i have a good day which is freeing but tha#usually goes into just. other things outside class or work or eating. I don’t go do something for myself or go do something fun on good day#because I still can’t. good days just mean i don’t want to lie down on the pavement when i’m going somewhere#I just. I don’t magically have control over my life because i try to get enough sleep. i lose half my day to doing that and ultimately it’s#just a bodily function that would have to happen anyway#this is a vent post im just having a really hard time right now because it feels like im in exponential decline. it was nowhere near this#bad last semester. my grades are tanking and i have no free time because anything outside of sleep is either work or school#vent tw#yall can rb this just ignore my tags completely#disability#chronically ill#i keep trying to explain to people how pots works because that’s all logical but there’s no way to explain what it’s doing to my body or ho#i feel all the time. the last time i felt this bad was when i had a bad flu or immediately after surgeries because i don’t react well to#anesthesia and always come out of them feeling like shit. and now i just feel like this all the time and it’s only getting worse#I can’t even stay up late anymore because my body feels like it isn’t counting the sleep even if I get 8 hours#I can deal if I have a free day the day after but that just leaves Friday and Saturday nights and I usually still have to do homework
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overshared hugely today
#well he did ask. and i directed him to try haikyuu. we’ll see#but i was like well my sister quit her job and shes traveling the world with her boyfriend and im going to be the buffer at a lunch with the#m and our mom to introduce him in two weeks depending on the state of the divorce#and my older sister has guns and i like micro uzis and grenade launchers#and i have emotional issues but i keep them very well repressed and it ey ro emotionally wound people when im mad so i dont get mad#just blabbing away. my god. jesus. sorry. he did keep asking though
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I snapped today at work, and by snapped I mean I politely commented on a help desk ticket by summing up an mess of an (type of) issue that's come up for at least the fourth time in the 2+ months I've been managing user accounts, and asked the person responsible to fix it (himself for once) because last time I fixed his mess-up it took me two whole days to work out the details with at least four other colleagues from different departments and I really don't want to do it again. there's other shit that needs doing, I've been working 10+ hour days for most of this week already, so I need to cut down not add on more.
(good thing tho - at least we managed to fix the issue where the dataset of a newer employee got mixed up with another one of the same name and therefore wasn't able to apply for any of the access/accounts she needed. technically not entirely my area but it does impact us not being allowed to create an account for her so I figured I might as well track that issue down. took three days and at least three other people, but hey - it should all work out now. yay for that)
#been feeling anxious af ever since bc it's the first time I've been this firm in a reply and idk how they'll take it#there's underlying issues in inter-departmental communication that need fixing that cause these issues to happen again and again#but my boss is on parental leave and his substitute is sick not that she cares or is up for doing her job where communication is concerned#so there's no real sense in addressing that rn esp by me who's only been there since June. but it does frustrate me a lot#anyway. I'm sure I'll get over this too. but yeah.. ppl not thinking things through for the two mins it takes to create an account#or the twenty seconds it takes to check if one already exists before creating a new one#or the minute it takes to check if folks still have an active contract past their time working in your department before deleting an accoun#just jfc. put in a smidge of effort and five mins total and save the rest of us from spending half a day to fix your mistake#oh well. if I get a pissy response I'll just blame it on being new as an intern and being too motivated and idealistic I guess#god forbid I expect people to do their jobs thoroughly or with at least a singular thought..#anyway. I feel like I'm allowed to be grumpy abt this since we are the folks who end up having to fix this shit#and by we I mean pretty much mostly me at this point bc one colleague is sick atm. my boss barely has time for this and is on leave#and my other colleague only works half time so I'm the one who's been handling most of these over the past month or so#which.. is still insane considering how I'm a goddamn intern who shouldn't even have admin rights tbh#but without them I couldn't do anything at all lol so here I am. nice that they trust and believe in me I suppose#that's why I try to do my best. (who am I kidding that's always the case anyway)#but yeah. definitely a 50% staff support job and only 50% of the other important things that need doing rn it's more like 90/10#and it's funny how I still dread my two hours of hotline. but every time the line is too busy I still jump in#we are also only 6 people atm out of 10 and three of us are still in training. and one of the trained folks had to come back in mid time of#next week we'll likely be 4#depending on if our substitute boss lady is back.. not that I'd look forward to it. she's a mess and she's been horrible to deal with latel#sure. she's stressed. but she's either snapping at me when I ask abt shit I can't know yet or she's ignoring me. great basis for team work.#so honestly I'd rather she not return on Monday. esp not if she's gonna spread her germs everywhere#but now sleep. sorry for the rant. it's certainly been quite the month since I returned from my own wisdom tooth rated sick leave..#gotta be up again in 6.5 hrs so I can be at work at 6 to let the electrician in. I'm gonna sleep so hard over the weekend I stg#a day in the life of..
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Gosh I wish I could just move out for my own health's sake.
#my biggest issue with possibly having to repeat another school year or even two (getting kicked out and having to start from scratch) isnt-#-the repeated year itself at least not mostly#but more the fact that I would have to depend on my parents longer past the age of 18#like I'll have to FIGHT to move out because Im not sure I can get a job during school and they would pay for my apartment#and Im trans and I need therapy#though my friends are helping me with sceduling therapy bless them#i just cant stand up for myself when it comes to them#i kind of just cave into everything they think and want#i cant imagine a scenario where I dont burst into tears and get all stuttery trying to speak up for myself and its embarassing#anyways rant over I just want to be happy and not dissociate 24/7 at the slightest stressful situation I encounter#also trans health care is another whole thing I cant even LET myself think about rn and it sucks so much
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agh world building
#for a world and ocs I barely talk about no less#cinnamon and hazel I promise I’ll give yall actual updated designs some day idk when but eventually maybe#I can’t promise I’ll ever actually write their story or make a short comic like I wanted to because I can’t write lmao#I do have the short story figured out and roughly plotted out#the story also doesn’t have a name because naming shit is hard#I sometimes call it sugar and spice but that name is far too like generic and common to be a proper story name ya know?#(it’s called sugar and spice because the characters are Cinnamon Sugar and Hazel Spice btw)#the gist is that Cinnamon is a fairy witch (a witch studying to be a fairy godparent) and Hazel was a pumpkin that got turned into a person#and now Cinnamon is tasked with helping her get accustomed to life as a living concious being along with the pumpkin farmers that grew her#and adopted her as their child#their names are Gourdon and Jackie O’Lantern and they’re two lesbians who have a pumpkin farm!#I am so attached to these ocs and their world I made them during a rlly difficult time when I was like 17 or 18 and latched onto them#heavily#that’s also when I created my oc Cashmere#also fairy godparent is like a career it’s a job that faeries and witches can study for and have#some fairy godparents ar treated with high esteem and others are treated like servants and maids it depends on the place you’re at#tooth fairies are dentists btw#so fairy = job and faerie = the being#I have a whole world building doc I need to like read over edit and update of like world building lore#also most whimsy folk are named after flora fauna and foods (mostly sweets) not all of them it’s not like a rule they have but it’s just#like a common naming convention for them#sorry I keep editing this with more info
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Imso tired man. I'm so tired. Why do I work this hard I am so FUCKING over this shit
#this other bitch out here like haha woopsie i forgot to clock out for lunch even though ive been out for two hours :)#guess ill leave early today! heehee#YOU DONT DO ANYTHING. YOU FUCKED ME OVER YET AGAIN#i am SO FUCKING SICK of this shit. why do I have to be the one to suffer#why do i have to be the person who doesnt get a say in fuck all even though im doing THE MOST WORK#and then i have to sit here and act like she fucking knows what shes talking about wrt animals#IM THE ANIMAL KEEPER. I KNOW WHATS GOING ON IN THIS DEPARTMENT BETTER THAN YOU#Im going crazy fucking insane right now#my coworker is out sick so ive had to do shit scheduled for three people. me. One person#and then im told shit like its just one class! ITS NOT#i have to break them up into two because its too big of a group#then i say ok we are doing reptiles over here#and shes like oh ummmm someone has it reserved for this time so can you do it in [place that is extremely loud]#and im like yeah ok fucking sure FINE#and then we get there and someone else is like ummmm we were told to est here for lunch by [her name]#and i radio her like UMMMM??????????#and shes like Oh woopsie i did tell them! you can do it at ummmm [3rd place]#im like yeah thanks for fucking wltting me know#Sorry im sorry thus is so extreme and petty but im like DROP DEAD#youve made my work life hell when it doesnt have to be because YOU SUCK AT YOUR JOB#FUCK!!!!!#YOU get to have a social life becaus you do whatever the FUCK YOU WANT#YOU get paid way more than me to do FUCK ALL#YOU dont have 30+ living beings depending on you every day#shut the fuck UP#I am so mad that i work so fucking hard and it doesnt fucking matter#so yeah sorry for starry spam but i think hes nice and right now the only thing keeping me from fucking losing it at work#along with a 1 min video of kookaburras im plahing over and over
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Can't I merely live. Must I yearn.
#i want to fall in louveeeeeee#i want to get a crush i want to kiss i want to make out i want to have sex !! i want to want to have sex with someone from having a crush !!#i want to have someone to impress!!!!!#im handsome im pretty im sexy im confident im smart i have a lot of interests i care about people im kind im charismatic#and I'm humble to boot. lmao!!!!#like why haven't I. found someone I like in that way. or liked past two dates max.#augh. the age old question. mayhaps the answer is I just need to go on more dates#part of it is that i move so often#i get comfortable enough to start thinking about dating someone and then i have to move again#I don't even know how long I'm staying where I am now it all depends on job stuff. which sucks.#god. anyway. another thing is that it's past midnight which can't help lol
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