#i have to write THREE ESSAYS and i haven’t had time because of my other exams and personal stuff

[pwhlmontreal]

OH MY GOD I AM MISSING THE GAME RN? KILLING MYSELF

[saucerfulofsins]

I haven’t seen any posts comparing Buck’s coming out to Eddie and Tommy breaking up with Buck, which is a shame because the similarities drive me insane.

Or well. I say similarities, but that’s wrong. What I should be saying is: these scenes mirror each other. This post is more about the highlights than shot by shot comparisons – for that, I’d recommend you watch them side by side yourself.

Let’s start with the first and most obvious structural parallel: both scenes happen around 32 minutes into their respective episodes/between two-thirds to three-quarters in.

Now, for the scenes themselves. They follow the same basic outline, which I’ll discuss one by one. I’m following the same structure throughout: I discuss the coming out scene, then the breakup, and then give some analysis. At the end, I’ve included a section on further things of note that I couldn’t neatly fit into this structure and my final thoughts. Is this the first time I’m using the media analysis I was taught during my minor in Arts, Culture and Media with a focus on film in 2019? Yes, yes it is.

Buckle up, because this meta/essay is nearly 3k. For that reason (i.e. accessibility/readability and the amount of work I put in), this entire piece has been cross-post to AO3 (CLICK FOR LINK).

Opening shots

Seating 1.0

Buck in the kitchen

Seating 2.0

POV shots (both perspectives)

Eddie and Tommy leaving

Miscellany

Final thoughts

Analysis under the cut:

1. Opening shots

This part includes some of the most noticeable differences between the scenes, which explains why they feel different – at least at first.

CO: Eddie’s phone comes into view first – this is his chat conversation with Marisol, which the first part of the CO scene is about (note how this mirrors the gym scene, where Buck intended to come out before the conversation lingered on Eddie and Marisol). Eddie is also closest to the door during this part of the scene – which is where he will remain throughout.

BU: The first shot is of a closed door, which Buck opens for Tommy, i.e. Tommy certainly has no keys to Buck’s place, and this might well be a callback to doors as a recurrent theme. They greet with the briefest kiss possible. I rewatched this several times to make sure it really happened – it happens immediately after a cut and it’s filmed in such a way this could easily have been an air kiss lmao. (No seriously, I had to watch this screen by screen to properly catch it, and the audio is a lot more obvious than the visual). They make small talk about the movies and Tommy having ordered an uber (clearly a throwback to 7x05), and they switch positions so Buck is actually closest to the door.

As for clear similarities: Eddie and Tommy are standing up and remain mostly in the same place; Buck is moving around the loft – it’s an expression of his nervous energy, and the major changes in these scenes are about Buck, not Eddie or Tommy.

2. Sitting down

I made this a separate point for one reason, and one reason only: In CO, Eddie takes his own initiative to sit down, while saying he should go home and Buck offering him a beer, so clearly he won’t be leaving to go home any time soon(ilu Eddie but I’m begging you, stop putting yourself and also us through this 😭). In BU, Buck tells Tommy to sit down... which is in part to signal they need a more serious talk than can be done on the way to the cinema, but also shows a massive contrast in terms of familiarity and comfort, regardless of what Buck tries to tell Tommy later.

Both Eddie and Tommy sit down on the leftmost stool (closest to the door, i.e. it’s easiest for them to leave and Buck can’t get between them).

3. Buck in the kitchen

Fun fact! Before writing this post, I checked the scene where Buck confesses to Taylor that he kissed Lucy. During that scene, Buck is sitting down at the kitchen island, while Taylor lingers in the kitchen proper (i.e. with the island between them). She has moved in at that point – kitchens represent ‘being at home’ – but there’s a physical barrier between her and Buck, and it doesn’t actually keep from her leaving (even while saying she has nowhere to go).

CO: The camera uses a dolly shot to follow Buck throughout the kitchen – to the fridge and then back to the head of the kitchen island. He’s attentively listening to Eddie complain about Marisol and God watching him have sex (cursing God while sluttily drinking his beer).

BU: Buck walks out of view of the camera, through the kitchen, and there’s a dolly shot to the right to focus on Buck finding his place on the head of the kitchen island. He leans on the counter at this point. He does have a pretty open posture (identical to CO); Tommy sits with his hands/fingers folded together but he’s turned to Buck i.e. paying attention.

This is the position Buck has when he comes clear to Tommy about having dated Abby in the past; it’s also when his phone comes into the picture. Well. Pictures. Of Buck and Abby.

4. Seating 2.0

This is the longest section of analysis, and contains the part that makes me SCREAM but let’s start at the beginning. From the moment Buck sits down, the conversation turns serious in both scenes. This dialogue consists of mostly POV shots (which I will discuss next), and these medium shots that show Buck and Eddie, and Buck and Tommy.

CO: Buck sits down while Eddie says, “You and Tommy have the right idea, stay single.” This very clearly introduces a new section of the scene. Overall, the lighting of the loft is muted besides the yellow for visual interest and gay Eddie, thank you for your hard work Buddie colour theorists. Buck’s dining table is unlit and barely visible, so the space really takes a back seat and allows us to focus on Buck and Eddie. Please take note of the chair between them – this serves as a physical barrier, where someone is getting between them (a place for Marisol and Tommy, respectively).

BU: Here, the segway happens right after Buck’s come clear about being Abby’s ex 2.0. He sits down on the middle chair, but it’s quite obvious he’s shoved it away from Tommy. In fact, compared to CO, Buck is almost at the same distance from Tommy as he is from Eddie. There’s a barrier between Buck and Eddie, but there’s space between him and Tommy. This is emphasized by the lit dining table, which draws even more attention because of the white decorations: the loft is a space to be distracted by, focus on or even flee into.

Now. This is what kickstarted my obsession with these scenes, especially the coming out scene. The chair between them? Buck reaches out to Eddie, leans his arm onto it and in the process drawing attention to it. He actually leaves his arm there for an extended period, throughout several of the following shots, and only seems to pull back when he says he and Tommy were on a date.

The following shots – of Buck’s coming out and Eddie’s initial response – are back and forth POV shots. The first shot from medium distance, is this:

Do you see it. DO YOU SEE IT. Do you see what drives me crazy! Eddie is mirroring Buck’s earlier posture – also this is immediately after Buck says Tommy left him on the curb (i.e. Eddie realizes there’s no Tommy getting between them). Eddie’s not just opened up, he’s reaching out, extending his arm back onto that empty chair between them. And again, like Buck, he leaves it there for several shots. It’s still there when he tells Buck to call Tommy, although he briefly vaguely gestures to himself during the “He’ll love you! We all do!” It’s not clear when he takes his arm away; no shots show it and then he’s getting up.

This just. This drives me insane.

For comparison, Buck doesn’t reach out to Tommy during the BU scene. And, compare Tommy to Eddie:

5. POV shots

Okay, the section header is a bit of a misnomer because the scene consists mostly of dialogue and therefore has POV shots. Like I said, there’s also overlap between the POV shots and the wider establishing shots I used in section 4. The bulk of this part of the scene, however, shows a lot of over the shoulder close ups with quick POV switches. In both cases, this is where the subject at the heart of the scene is discussed.

Now, these differences are pretty small and they could be a consequence of these episodes having different directors. However, there’s zero doubt in my mind that Chad Lowe closely studied the CO scene for its sheer number of cinematographic parallels and therefore it might be entirely on purpose too YAY.

There’s some variation in the distance of these shots, but the most intimate ones look like this:

(Still not over that face he’s pulling here, dear Lord). Buck takes up most of the screen – his shoulders are visible, but the top of his head isn’t. I guess this is technically still an over the shoulder shot, but barely. Eddie is out of focus, just enough there to be a blurry ear. These shots are intimate. This is almost what Eddie is seeing – and actually these shots make it feel like they’re sitting a lot closer than they actually are.

"Until now.” Buck’s entire face (including hair) is in the shot, and we can see Tommy’s shirt. This is the closest/most intimate we get to see him (and Tommy, in reverse). For both sides, they’re very clear over the shoulder shots. Yes, this is intimate – but it is not intimate. A quarter to a third of the screen (esp as the conversation moves on) is dedicated to the other person. Buck is more visually interesting too. He has more colour in his face and his background is more clearly white than in CO, whereas Tommy blends in more with the brown coat rack background (shout-out to @sparklespiff for pointing out that difference while I was trying to figure out why Buck felt more noticeable, btw).

SIDENOTE: I know some posts have already been made about the pictures on Buck’s fridge and Eddie’s mantelpiece, like they seem thematically relevant (or perhaps not yet, but soon). Buck’s walls in general have more pictures on them in S8, which is evident both in Buck’s background and Tommy’s. I am nowhere near talented enough to identify them, but going by their general colour and composition, I believe all of Buck’s wall art pieces are that, art, not family photos.

6. Eddie and Tommy leaving

These scenes have some of the clearest parallels, and of course an incredibly clear difference in how Eddie and Tommy are leaving Buck.

CO: Eddie leaves not because of Buck (well, not technically), but because he has to go do something: “I gotta go talk to Marisol.” Buck is smiling while Eddie gets up and is on his way out. Of course, this is when Eddie stops, turns around, and Buck looks up. In fact, Eddie says “Come here” but he’s the one to walk up to Buck to give him a hug. Buck just stands up from the chair. During the hug, we get shots of both Eddie’s and Buck’s faces, and of course Eddie holding Buck’s shoulder. When Eddie leaves, we hear the door open and shut – the focus stays on Buck.

Again, when Tommy leaves, we only hear the door while the camera cuts to Buck. The show then picks up his response (with the same expression) during his arrival at Eddie’s, where Eddie lets him into his home.

BU: Of course, Tommy has nowhere he needs to go to (hello, return of the failed cinema date) – when he says “I should go” it is because of his conversation with Buck. There’s a medium wide shot of him getting up while Buck looks confused, looking like he’s about to reach out for Tommy – the first time during their conversation. The camera uses a slow dolly to the left, which is when Buck calls back Tommy to ask for clarification: “Did you just break up with me?” Tommy says, “Yeah, I guess I just did.” This has been pointed out before, but they’re clearly not sure. Tommy also says, “Believe me, I didn’t see it coming either.” (Was LFJ speaking from Tommy’s perspective in that interview?). That line is fascinating, actually, because only moments ago, he was incredibly adamant about being Buck’s first, not his last. This feels like a throwback to “Enjoy it while it lasts,” leaving them both overwhelmed/confused.

Look at how similar these shots are! Also, the reason I was adamant about calling these scenes mirrors and not parallels is because Buck and Tommy greet each other with a moment of physical affection (which, as I mentioned before, is incredibly short and barely visible). Eddie wouldn’t have ordinarily but feels it’s important to hug Buck to show him nothing has changed. In terms of meaning and cinematography, their interaction is a lot more substantial and reciprocal. They’re also making sure to leave on good terms – whereas Buck and Tommy meet on good terms, but part essentially as strangers. Buck and Tommy ending the scene like truly feels like an end. Buck and Eddie’s scene feels like a significant shift in their relationship, and for me part of that is a result of Eddie hugging Buck, and shaking up their routine.

7. Miscellany

Just some bits and bobs I couldn’t fit elsewhere in the analysis!

“I like him too. Just not the same way as you.” 7x05 was truly out there foreshadowing 8x06’s “I am not gay.” (I want to do a full 7x04 + 7x05 parallels post at some point, but that’s going to be a fuckload of work and possibly even larger than this post).

Like I pointed out, Buck and Eddie drink beer during their scene (which they often do during their conversations). Buck and Tommy are breaking up without accoutrements. Of course, we know Buck brings over beer to Eddie after the breakup. Because the scenes mirror each other so closely in every other aspect, it feels incredibly poignant: Eddie again fills a role in Buck’s life Tommy should have had. I also figured I’d check their fake brands, and they are different labels. I would assume Buck brought a new flavour, considering Eddie’s looks.

Speaking of continuity, Buck opening the door to Tommy in a sense mirrors Eddie opening the door to Buck at the end of 8x06. The key differences in their cinematography is that during BU, the establishing shot of the entire scene is of the closed door without a peephole shot. When Eddie opens the door, it follows his Risky Business tribute so the door takes up less presence, and even when it’s closed, Buck is clearly visible through the peephole.

Phones clearly are connected to (past) female love interests; Eddie is interacting with Marisol but it’s through text and impersonal – we don’t see the messages, we just hear Eddie complain. On the other hand, Buck is out of contact with Abby but he still treasures that relationship – otherwise he wouldn’t still have those pictures on his phone after 7 years. I guess that’s kind of cute? Idk, I never really liked Abby or how she treated Buck, but Tommy’s speech has turned me into an Abby defender lol

Like Buck, Maddie also stands at the head of the kitchen island during her conversation with Chimney. Chimney’s in the kitchen proper, though, and Maddie walks up to him so they can actually stand face to face and be happy about the new pregnancy together! (I genuinely missed that scene the first time I watched the episode, I was so caught up in the bones of it all SORRY MADNEY I LOVE YOU FOREVER).

8. Final thoughts

I mean. Are we really surprised? I’m not! Actually that’s a lie. I saw the similarities but was shocked at just how close these scenes are in full. However,I do think this scene in particular does a lot to show just how deliberate these parallels between S7 and S8 are (and between S8 and previous seasons in general – we’ve seen similar/near identical cinematography a couple of times now), and how deliberate the parallels are between Eddie and Tommy (who are literally taking up the same position in these two scenes).

And just. The fact it’s the coming out scene between Buck and Eddie, which was about opening up & telling the truth, and it doesn’t change anything (allegedly), versus Buck and Tommy, which is about opening up & telling the truth, which changes everything... it reaffirms how I feel about the coming out scene – this is a major moment of change, and that change is deeply entwined with their respective romantic relationships. AAAAAAAAAAHHH!!

[titi-1188]

Always in your corner

“You know that Chan would truly always be in your corner and you hope he knows you’ll always be in his. Neither of you asked to be born to parents who had no care in the world but at least the two of you had each other.”

—

WARNINGS: Parents who don’t care(?)

PAIRING: Older Brother Chan x Younger Sibling Reader

WORD COUNT: 2.1K+

EXTRA INFO: Angst(?)/comfort, Christmas, Cringy Frozen reference, Life Advice from Older Brother, ‘Baby’ used as a term on endearment in a ‘omg you’re literally a baby’ way. SAFE FOR WORK ONLY!!!

A/N: Happy Christmas to those who celebrate and in general Happy Holidays to all!! As always, sorry for any mistakes, my english writing skills are NOT the best, I try to look over it and make sure everything makes sense to an outsider perspective of someone who ISN’T in my head but yk how it can be🩷 hehe i hope u like it!!! (can u tell what kind of issues I may have…)

Every Christmas since Chan started college whenever he’d come back, you’d be there, ready to greet him with a hug and some sort of small ‘welcome home’ gift. Christmas was probably the only time in the year year you got to see each other with how busy you both were; you being in high school and Chan attending college, working his ass off to get his degree. You and your brother couldn’t even see each other during the summer holidays-your parents sent you off on exchanges to other countries, so far, you’ve been to Spain, France and Italy (twice), and your other breaks from school just never lined up. Safe to say Christmas was like a blessing. An opportunity for two siblings to reunite.

So, this year when Chan got out of your dad’s car after a very awkward three hour long ride from the airport and walked into the house and wasn’t met with you he was surprised, disappointed even.

“Where is she?”, he asked as your mother came out of the living room. She rolled her eyes as if the mere question was a bother and replied simply

“Probably moping around in her bedroom again”. Chan frowned. You? Moping around? That didn’t sound like you. “What do you mean?”, he questioned.

“Your sister is just going through an emotional phase—but honestly she needs to get over it, at her age she should be able to just get up and move through it.”, your father spoke up and Chan watched in mild disgust as your mother nodded along.

Your parents made it abundantly clear before that they never wanted kids and yet somehow ended up with the two of you because of societal pressure but at least years ago they would at least pretend to be concerned parents. Now that Chan was a young adult and moved out and you were a teenager they probably didn’t see the need to.

“I’m going to go up then”, he announces. Your parents shrug, mumbling a quick ‘do whatever’ before retreating back into the living room.

Meanwhile, Chan hauled his suitcase and bag up the stairs, dropped them off into his room (that definitely needs to be dusted down) and went to your room at the end of the hall, on the right. He smiled seeing the pink, bedazzled wooden sign on the door to your room with your name on it—he remembers watching you make it all those years ago and likes to see you haven’t taken it down yet.

In Chan’s head, you’re not just a regular set of siblings, although he only is almost seven years older than you, he always felt an almost paternal instinct with you.

He had a huge part in raising you and as much as he hates to admit it for purposes of being too sappy and cringe—he hates that you are growing up so quick. He sometimes wishes you were a kid again and often finds himself reminiscing all the tea-parties he was forced to attend, all the times he’s sat over you helping you with simple maths sums while he had an essay to do, all the extravagant games you two used to make up as something to do while your parents were working.

God he misses it. And he would pay so much money to get to relive it, because even without the regular caring parents who are involved in their child's life-watching you grow up all over again would be worth so much more.

Chan snaps out of his thoughts and regains his composure before knocking on the door gently.

“Y/N, it’s me—can I come in?”. He’s about to open the door and enter when it opens in his face, and there you are, wearing a comfy set of clothes.

Chan takes your appearance in and notices immediately that you look…not like you. The light that normally shines in your eyes is dimmed, there are bags under your eyes and your normally well kept hair is disheveled.

“Y/N…”, he starts but you cut him off with a hug.

“Channie”, you murmur in a soft voice. “I’m sorry I wasn’t ready this year.”

Oh the way you sound so defeated breaks his heart. “Y/N baby—it’s okay, don’t worry about it.”

“I swear I knew when dad was picking you up and I had everything planned and stuff and then I got distracted and everything I planned just went out the window-”

“Y/N. It’s fine.”, Chan reassured, pulling back from the hug but keeping a firm hold on your shoulders. “Let’s talk?”

You nod at him and let him into your room, closing the door behind him. He flops down onto your bed and pats the spot beside him. “Come on over”.

You don’t hesitate and take your spot next to your brother. Words can’t describe how grateful you are that you’re not the only child in this fucked up family and that Chan is here. Every christmas is a blessing in your eyes because he’s here, a family member who cares.

His arm wraps around your shoulder and he pulls you in closer to him, pushing your head down to rest on his chest. “There, just like when you were a baby”.

“You mean a kid?”

“Fine, just like when you were a kid”, he states again, although in his head you will always be a ‘baby’.

“Oh please, when I was a kid you were just a teenager”, you scoff but don’t make the effort to move.

“Yeah but you still clung to me like a koala, so my point still stands.”

“Okay fine..”

“You’re still clingy”, he teases, when you don’t give your usual sarcastic response he clears his throat and starts speaking in a softer, more serious tone. “Mom said you’re ’moping around’..wanna tell me about that?”

“Things have just been…utter shit”, you respond simply.

“Utter shit?”, he questions, prompting you to further explain as he starts to run his fingers through your, messy, hair.

“I just…I feel like I’m stuck in time. Everyone else around me is moving on and I’m stuck in this spot. All my friends are starting to go to all sorts of house parties and get drunk off their heads, in school they keep shoving down future career paths down our throats and in general there’s just more and more work to be done ever single day...even mom and dad are talking about having me move out soon since technically it’s legal for me to move out after I turn sixteen—but I’m just, I don’t want to do any of that. I want to just be a kid for a little longer. In my head I’m still like eleven or like twelve—I’m not ready for all of this, I don’t want to be ready for all of this!”, you start rambling, your words flowing out quickly, as if you’ve been waiting to say all of this to someone.

“I see”, Chan responds. “I think…and hear me out, I think you’re just craving a normal childhood-one where you weren’t basically left to fend for yourself.”

You nod and he feels it’s safe to continue.

“You don’t want to grow up because you already feel like you have been at a higher maturity level since you were learning your ABC’s..”.

“How do you know exactly how to put this into simple words?”

“Because I know exactly how you feel. You know, I suppose when you were born I not only had to fend for myself, but also for you—and I do not hold it against you Y/N, you are the best thing that could’ve happened to me. I think if I was an only child in this family I would’ve gone insane.” You both giggle at his words but you both know he’s right. You know especially now in his absence that living in this house by yourself is not a nurturing and caring environment.

Chan continues speaking, “So you could say that from a young age I was acting like I was in my 30’s, taking care of myself, you, teaching you life lessons while learning them myself..and when it came to actually being a grown up..I didn’t want to do it because I felt like I already have been doing it. I wanted to just be able to I don’t know…play around with fucking legos or just go to the beach and build as many sandcastles as I desire, I wanted to reverse time and somehow get our parents to care for us and give the both of us the childhood we deserve. I still want that. I still wish that there was a switch I could flip and suddenly they’ll be asking more than the ‘required’ mundane questions…but…”, he trails off with a sigh.

“…That can’t happen”, you say. “Mhm, it can’t. So, trust me when I say that I understand how you feel.”

“How did you get over it?”, you ask.

“Well..it does turn out that adult life is a bit more complicated so I had to figure that out..but to heal my inner child..I did exactly what I wanted to, I realised that because I was an adult, no one could actually stop me from building sandcastles at the beach, or spending my first entire real pay check on all the lego sets I wanted and building them all”.

“Did it help?”

“Honestly, yeah. I gave myself what our parents couldn’t..or well wouldn’t and I felt much better about myself.” He pokes your arm, laughing a bit “Just don’t spend your first entire pay check on lego. I’ll teach you how to be smarter with money.”

“I feel bad you have to teach me these things.”

“Don’t. I want to.”, Chan replies. “The only reason I didn’t completely cut contact with mom and dad after I moved out was so I could see you like this, so I could continue to parent you because..you have so much potential Y/N..and our parents don’t provide you with an environment to encourage that kind of growth, they just want you to grow up and move out so they can be at peace, but I want you to thrive. I want you to be prepared and ready for whatever life throws at you. I want to encourage you in everything. I just want to help you. Make sure you have it better than anyone else..”. Chan’s words make you feel a pang in your chest, you close your eyes and slow your breathing, feeling his heartbeat as his fingers comb through your hair.

“Obviously, since you seem to be so nervous, I’ll tune my coaching down to a slower place, we can take this one small step at a time”.

“Thank you Channie. Really.”, you reply. “Mom and dad are no help at all…like no help. They just want me out of here.”

“I know…but it’s okay, you’ll figure yourself out, you’ll figure out what you want to do with your life, in your own time and I’ll be here in your corner supporting you every step of the way and teaching you things and well…everything I already said”, Chan reassures, patting your arm.

“Now…what if…we go and build a snowman or something?”, he suggests.

“A snowman?”, you laugh and sit up, meeting his eyes.

“What? It’ll be fun! I promise!”, Chan exclaims, “Come on don’t be a loser! Just come build a snowman with me!!”

“What you need me to sing it for you??”, he clears his throat. “Do you want to build a snowman? Come on let’s go and play-“

It’s only when you start laughing he does too. God when Frozen came out you both went through a terrible phase where you were obsessed with the movie..and when the second one came out god it all came back again.

“Okay Anna—let’s go build a snowman”.

That’s how your day ends. The two of you building multiple snowmen in the green in your estate (while your parents sat inside, oblivious to what their kids are doing). And honestly, you wouldn’t have traded it for the world.

You know that Chan would truly always be in your corner and you hope he knows you’ll always be in his. Neither of you asked to be born to parents who had no care in the world but at least the two of you had each other.

a/n: hope you liked this! i had to rush the ending a bit because I wanted it to be done by at least Christmas day so apologies!!!

p.s: if you have any reqs, feel free to ask!! just keep it sfw!!!

[spicyicetea]

Although the poll isn’t over, I wanted to start writing the first few chapters of the VariousYandere!JJBA x reader. Mainly because it’s going to take a while to catch up to where I am currently in the anime so I wanted to at least get the prologue done. From the current poll, it seems you guys want Y/N to be completely powerless, I didn’t expect that at all cause I thought that’d be boring but I would be damned if I didn’t give the people what they wanted. This does make the goal of saving as many people as possible difficult given Y/N will be unable to aid in fights in anyway- my solution to this issue is having an additional character to help Y/N. I decided this will be in the style of an isekai, with the Y/N being an ordinary person from reality (I’m pretty sure I made that clear in the other post) so the other character will be their roommate. I’m placing the Y/N character as a university/college student (I’m English so Uni is like 18 and above but I’ve heard some places have college to around that age so you can decide which one you prefer to imagine) but exact age isn’t ever specified- you are said to be younger than the other person though. All characters that are yandere for Y/N are 18+ the only characters that will stay under 18 are platonic relations. Either way, with all of that out of the way, enjoy the prologue.

You were always ours

JJBA Various!Yandere x Reader

MDNI with this story it will contain NSFW themes and behaviour, you are responsible for the content you consume

(Prologue)/ Next part

“Y/N!” A familiar voice called from across the street.

Turning down the music that blasted in your ears, an arm wrapped around your shoulders pulling you to look at them. A blonde woman grinned with a devious snicker, her hand slipping into the bag clutched at your side. The others she had been with waved goodbye and crossed the road, avoiding the busy traffic that usually crowded the streets just after lectures were over.

“Oh, I thought you were staying behind for that club you’re in.” You say, slipping the headphones off your head.

“Yeah, it was cancelled so I thought come hunt you down. You never spend time with me after classes, so I’m going to make you! We’re gonna go bowling!”

“Eliana… with whose money?”

The blonde paused and let out a nervous laugh. “Yours?”

“Nope, you still haven’t paid me back for the three dinners in a row I paid for.”

“Y/NNnnnnnn don’t do this-“

You couldn’t help the smile that pulled at the corners of your lips, as she pouted dramatically and rifled through her own wallet to confirm her own lack of cash. Despite having known her since you were basically toddlers, her behaviour never became boring. Headache inducing, but not boring.

The blonde girl was Eliana Hounds, she was by far your closest friend. Your parents themselves were best friends so the two of you had been playmates since day one. She was always an extrovert, loves to be loud and obnoxious and those who don’t run, are her new friends whether they like it or not. Despite that though, she was dependable as hell. While your gaggle of friends was in their delinquent era she would often take the fall for pranks that she wasn’t even involved with. Plus there was that incident with your ex…she beat the crap about of them. In your dorms she is your roommate, often watching her anime into the early hours of the morning in the shared living room. She had always been really into anime, trying to get you to watch whatever she was hyperfixating on at the time. Much to her disappointment, you often turned her down. Not because you weren't interested, but damn your professors loved giving you essays and you simply didn't have time for sitting around anymore.

“Well then, we can hang out in our dorm! Yeah, I’m rewatching one of my favourite anime’s and you said you’re taking a break from that essay! We can watch it together.” She confidently said, grabbing your wrist and dragging you with her down the street.

You opened your mouth in protest, only to pause and just sigh. She was right. You had pulled an all nighter the previous night and managed to finish your essay already. Maybe it would be okay to take the weekend easy, plus a new anime sounds nice, Eliana always had good tastes.

“Sure why not.”

Arriving in the dorm, Eliana kicked her shoes off, taking the grocery bag from around your wrist. You muttered a small thanks as you neatened the shoes in the doorway, following her into the living room as she rifled through the bag. The food you had just got from the shop laid on the coffee table as she rubbed her hands together with a hungry grin.

“Instant ramen, spam, ooo even some bacon and eggs! We’re eating food tonight.”

“Excuse me, but I wanted to enjoy that!”

“We can share! Come on Y/N, you wouldn’t let me starve.”

You just raised a brow with a smirk and she huffed, getting up from the sofa.

“I can make some fried rice with the leftover rice in the fridge?” She offered with a sheepish grin.

“Good, I’ll set up in here, you mind cooking the meat and eggs too?”

She nodded and scooped up what she needed, before leaving to our small kitchen. You followed her to grab two large bowls and put the kettle on, taking the bowls back and setting them down on the coffee table. With a small struggle the instant ramen packet tore open, small pieces of the dry noodles hitting the table. Now cracked in half, the ramen clacked against the porcelain bowls as you tore open the seasoning packet with your teeth.

“Oh… there’s no way this is enough for both of us…”

“What’s wrong?” Eliana yelled from the kitchen.

“Seasoning packet! This is gonna be some bland ass ramen… damn.”

“Well, aren’t I just the best friend in the world! Whenever I make extra ramen for my binge sessions, I only use one flavouring sachet. Check behind the paprika on the… ya know spinning thing.”

“The lazy Susan? Alright.” You muttered, rummaging through the seasoning and grabbing the blank foil packages. It was impossible to tell what flavour they were, so you just had to pick one and pray it would taste good with the ramen.

Time passed quickly until the thrown together dinner was done, but it smelt amazing. Eliana had already burnt her tongue twice with her ramen broth, seeming to not learn her lesson when she goes in the third time.

“Hey, wait and let it cool down a little!”

“Sorry sorry I’m just so hungry!”

You sigh but laugh at her behaviour handing her the Tv remote as something brushes against your leg. Looking to your side you spot Eliana’s pet, although he followed you most the time.

“Why don’t you get the anime ready and I’ll feed Mochi.” Eliana just nodded in response, logging into her Netflix as you scooped up the bunny and took him to the kitchen.

It wasn’t long before the small bunny was happily gorging himself on his own dinner as your stomach growled for yours. When you entered the living room the intro for the first episode was already playing. Jojo’s bizarre adventure?

“Is the adventure really so bizarre?” You jokingly ask, sitting beside Eliana.

“Heh, you bet, this show is weird as hell but I bet good money you’ll like it!”

You both sat in silence, letting the intro play before it seemed to buffer. A blue haired man and a blonde haired man appeared on the screen seeming to be arguing.

“What? This isn’t where episode one should start… did I click the wrong one?” Eliana picked up the Tv remote and froze, it slipping from her fingers and she slumped forwards, her face hitting the table.

“Holy shit! Eliana?” You kneeled at her side , trying to shake her awake. When you looked back up to try and figure out what happened your eyes met the Tv. It was no longer just the men from before, multiple others stood beside them, staring you down.

“You finally notice us, took you long enough. That bitch only ever let us see you once before now.” One said, adjusting the hat he wore to show his eyes clearer.

You just stared at the Tv in shock, cradelling Eliana’s body. Suddenly it felt like something grabbed you from behind, strong arms locking you in the hunched over position. Said arms didn’t seem as imaginary as you wished they were, looking down and seeing the purple appendages holding you tightly. A splitting pain spread through your head starting at one of your eyes, the world going blurry. Everything felt like it was spinning, only catching a glimpse of your own semi unconscious body in the reflection of your phone before passing out. A strange star had taken the place of one of your pupils. None of this was making any sense.

“Eliana…” you groaned as you fell unconscious, squeezing her hand as you did.

(There it is, I hope it seems good so far. As the poll isn’t really moving I’m going to try and get the next chapter up as soon as possible. I apologise for the clear biases I will have to certain characters and parts in the series- I will cover as much as I can but I’m itching for my jotaro ok- I… I’m a simp and want him, don’t pretend your not. But I will be covering part 1 and 2 before then don’t worry and there will be extensive scenes with the MCs for said part. Prepare for me to baby girl Speedwagon he deserves it-)

[flowers-of-io]

Tithe (to) me baby one more time

This post is my personal attempt to understand Season of the Witch, and potentially defend my hypothesis that at its core it doesn't make sense. I may yet change my opinion on this as I write and research, because here at flowers of io dot tumblr dot com we do real science and do not let ourselves be blinded by prior assumptions, prejudice, and bitterness. Maybe there is yet something there that I don't see.

Disclaimer: This essay is nearly 4k words long and has not been beta read, so any typos, tangents and formatting issues you may find here are my fault only and I preemptively apologise for them. Please tell me if anything is unclear or worded weirdly! I haven’t written a longer lore analysis in a good while and I may have got a little rusty.

With that out of the way, let's take a look at how Hive tithes, tributes, and willpower actually work!

1) Anthem Anatheme

Over three years ago in this post I wrote a bit about anthem anatheme, which is the way both worms and ahamkara feed. I did not explain it well, though (and I was being very comically exasperated over Truth to Power), so let me try again.

From the Merriam-Webster:

First appearing in Old English in the form antefn, anthem derives ultimately from Greek antiphōnos—a word meaning "responsive" that is a combination of anti-, meaning "over" or "against," and phōnē, "sound" or "voice." The Greek root gives a hint as to what the musical form of early anthems was like. Originally, anthems were devotional verses sung as a response during a religious service.

French anathème and English anathema is the formal exclusion from the community of Christians (in the New Testament) or the Catholic Church (in contemporary canon law). The original meaning of the word was a little different, though. I'll quote the Wikipedia article because I don't think I'd be able to word it better than it is explained there:

The word anathema has two main meanings. One is to describe that something or someone is being hated or avoided. The other refers to a formal excommunication by a church. These meanings come from the New Testament, where an Anathema was a person or thing cursed or condemned by God. In the Old Testament, an Anathema was something or someone dedicated to God as a sacrifice, or cursed and separated from God because of sin. These represent two types of settings, one for devotion, the other for destruction.

Anathema derives from Ancient Greek: ἀνάθεμα, anáthema, meaning "an offering" or "anything dedicated", itself derived from the verb ἀνατίθημι, anatíthēmi, meaning "to offer up". In the Old Testament, חֵרֶם (chērem) referred to both objects consecrated to divine use and those dedicated to destruction in the Lord's name, such as enemies and their weapons during religious wars. Since weapons of the enemy were considered unholy, the meaning became "anything dedicated to evil" or "a curse".

Combining these two meanings would give us something like ‘a hymn of offering’, the ‘offering’ part having a derogatory ring to it.

In the most recent Destiny loretab on the topic (Queensfoil Censer) Anthem Anatheme is explained as "a manner of subjecting reality to one's will, similar to a Lightbearer's ability to affect paracausality", and this is in line with the prior, much more vague definitions that we've had. It is both the invocation and the act of changing reality to match your will. It does have a similar vibe to aiat, which I wrote about here: "Ahamkara drive power from the space between ‘what-is’ and ‘what-is-desired’. Stating ‘aiat’ creates this connection between ‘what-is’, ‘why-it-is’ and the space in between: ‘why-it-is-?’."

It is also what worms and ahamkara feed on. The reason ahamkara "tweak" the wishes they grant is precisely to widen that gap between how the universe was before the wish and how it will be after it - the impact it will make on the universe - how much it will change.

2) Tithe to Power

Worms feed in the same way, except they are not the ones invoking Anthem Anatheme, and instead it is their hosts who do that. Contrary to the popular belief, worms do not feed on *killing*, per say--but killing is one of, if not the most efficient way of reshaping universe according to your will. Toland says: "This is the shape of victory: to rule the universe so absolutely that nothing will ever exist except by your consent".

The worms sort of... cede the ability(?) to invoke Anthem Anatheme to their hosts, and so also it is the host who gains power from that — the worm feeds, yes, but there is also something else there, something I don't quite understand but it's tied to the Darkness, Ascendant Plane, and Taking. The power that allows you to will things into existence, to define and dictate the rules. "Nothing will ever exist except by your consent".

Ergo: the more powerful—or rather... impactful, or influential—entity you kill, the bigger is the space of their absence; the more sustenance the worm gets, and the more power you gain — because you've asserted your will over them, you did not permit them to exist. As Toland explains: "Oryx inhabits a world where power is truth. To win is to be noble, and to be real. [...] The echoes of Oryx go forth to ask a question: are you the truth?"

So what I will be referring to in this essay as power is the total sum of your impact on the universe, which (thanks to your worm's paracausal abilities) gives you paracausal abilities. Willpower given shape, sort of. That is the foundation the entire Hive system is built on: magic, runes, philosophy, everything.

Now, I used to think tribute and tithe were two different things, but they are apparently used interchangeably in the lore: "The Worm within demands tribute. Now you shall kill what you can and take what killing you need to grow—or for your own purposes, if you dare—and tithe the rest to that which rules you. Thus, tribute will ascend the chain and the excess shall pool at the height, as unlike a river to an ocean" (Truth to Power: Injection). This entry is supposed to quote Oryx in the Books of Sorrow, but it doesn't repeat the words exactly, and omits something very interesting (and confusing). In Carved in Ruin, where Oryx dictates his law, he actually says: "You Thrall, each of you will claw and scream, and kill what you can. Take enough killing to feed your worm, and a little more to grow. Tithe the rest to the Acolyte who commands you."

"Take enough killing to feed your worm, and a little more to grow" seems to suggest the Hive-host and the worm feed on the same thing, or at least that the same thing that the worms feed on is what allows the Hive to grow. The whole shtick with the worm pact was supposed to give the Krill power over their own flesh and the world around them, so we can presume they grow physically as they attain more (will)power - to will their form to change. The lore about it is very vaguely worded though, and a lot of this is my own interpretation, so don't take it as indubitably true.

What I want to make extremely clear, though, is that neither tribute/tithe nor (will)power is a physical thing. Of course the power you have can manifest as paracausal abilities, but it's like with hitting something really hard with your fist - the stronger you are, the more impact you will have on what you're hitting, and the effects are very tangible, but your physical strength itself is not an, I don't know, physical object. It's the potential energy in your muscles I'm struggling to word it better, but I hope you understand the metaphor. The more you affect the world, the stronger your paracausal muscles get, so to say.

The way I understand the logic behind tithing, then, is that in the Hive pyramid scheme you transfer some of your power to your direct commander because they have power over you. Your will is subservient to the one above you, so they demand a cut of its potential growth. It's a way to organise the Hive society, really, because without this system in place everyone would be mindlessly killing each other to survive, while now the ones in command have an incentive not to slaughter all their soldiers if those soldiers are a source of power. It's delicate calculation - is it more beneficial for me to kill my underling and gain the entirety of their power in a single slurp, or allow them to live and transfer to you a percentage of their own power gain? How risky is it to leave them alive, in case they get too powerful and strike against you? But then again - the more power they gain, the bigger the percentage that you get. Is it worth to kill them now, or wait for them to get more powerful, so you can then gobble up a larger meal? It's like fattening a pig but the fatter it gets the more it is able (and willing) to kill you. At which point does the risk outweigh the potential future gain?

2.1) Nature

This part of Hive gods lore also ties into the way aiat works, and the whole thing with definitions and essences that I wrote about in that essay, so I won't go into this right now. What is essential to remember for the purpose of this post is that the Hive gods emulate their natures, or are their natures, and by invoking those natures they can be fed power, summoned into a given place, and even brought back from beyond the grave. I’ll just put a few lore quotes that sort of explain this concept, or at least illustrate it. It will be important later.

You must obey your nature forever. In your immortality, Aurash, you may never cease to explore and inquire, for the sake of your children. In your immortality, Xi Ro, you may never cease to test your strength. In your immortality, Sathona, you may never abandon cunning. (IX: The Bargain)

.

Oryx made war on the Ecumene for a hundred years. At the end of those hundred years he killed the Ecumene Council on the Fractal Wreath, and from their blood rose Xivu Arath, saying, “I am war, and you have conjured me back with war.” […] He drove the Dakaua Nest into a trap, and they were made extinct. From their ashes rose cunning Savathûn, saying, “I am trickery, and you have conjured me back with trickery.” (XXIX: Carved in Ruin)

.

In each act of His power Oryx seeks to incarnate the self-sustaining, immortal suzerainty that He worships. The power that He uses to wash his Taken clean and etch them into useful shapes. (Echo of Oryx)

.

He is not a simple thing to kill. He wants to be isomorphic to conquest, to triumph, to killing and death.** He is a syllogism, now, but in time He hopes to become an axiom. (Oryx: Rebuked)

.

[Xivu Arath, hear me.]

[You are war, and I conjure you with war and blood.]

[A gift for my favorite sister.]

(Empress: CHAPTER 5: NEW GODS)

.

MY HOME IS WAR. MY VOICE IS A BATTLE SONG. FOR AS LONG AS YOU HAVE WORSHIPPED WAR, YOU HAVE WORSHIPPED ME. I AM HERE TO CLAIM MY TRIBUTE. IT IS OVERDUE. (Empress: CHAPTER 6: BATTLE SONG)

3) Season of the Witch

So now let's talk about the premise of Season of the Witch.

We don't know what Savathûn's plan was exactly; we didn't get a scene of Immaru dictating it to Eris or Ikora, only scraps of it mentioned by various characters. But the gist of it, pretty much, was this: Eris plugs herself into the tithing system through the ritual in the first cutscene, and we - using the Acolyte's Staff, which contains worms - transfer the power we generate through killing to her. I say generate because I'm not sure we would've been able to actually use that power (for example, to create a throne world) if we're not connected to the system, but then again Hiraks had done it somehow, so idk.

Another thing, which I hadn't caught while playing the season, but either @winnower-winnower or @the-goldendragon pointed it out to me when we were talking about this, is Eris' nature as the god of vengeance. Every act of violence done in revenge against the Hive and/or the Witness, either by her hand or ours, should technically give her additional power.

So what was the goal of all of this?

Well, apparently the whole point of Eris becoming a Hive god and plugging into the tithing system was that she could become more powerful than Xivu Arath and beat her at her own game. And how would she get all that power? Why, by killing, of course! That's the sword logic, right? Nothing is permitted to exist except by your consent. That's power. And Eris already has so much power, as the hand wielding the blade which ended both Crota and Oryx, and possibly Nokris, and Hashladûn, and Alak-Hul, and countless other Hive. She did not perform these feats alone, granted (something that very cool sword logic cutscene seems to have forgotten), but she was the inciter, guide, and main motivator for them.

And this is all true, except for the one small detail which is exactly the reason why Xivu is (used to be?) such a compelling antagonist: this is not how you beat her at her own game.

3.1) Xivu and War

Remember imbaru? Remember how Savathûn made an entire power-generating scheme based around the idea that she, the god of cunning, cannot be outsmarted or outwitted, and every wrong guess about her would only feed her power? It was conveniently forgotten for the duration of The Witch Queen, an investigation-based campaign, but it HAD BEEN a thing.

And Xivu Arath had done her homework, and copied this idea. If she is war, then every act of war will invoke her and so give her power.

I AM THE WAR YOU CRAVE. PURPOSE ETERNAL. A LEGACY IN BLOOD. WHEN YOU DRAW BLADES, YOU DRAW ME. YOU CANNOT RESIST WITHOUT INVOKING MY BANNER. (Immolant Pt. 2)

And earlier seasons remembered this! The whole reason why Rasputin sacrificed himself was because Mara had enlightened everybody on the idea that Xivu would've gained power from any act of war and slaughter, regardless if it'd been against ours or her own soldiers. She'd set herself up to be struck against, and it would've been a power factory for her. Rasputin had no other choice than to fold and disable the weapons entirely. That was his sacrifice, that was what set him apart from the god of war in the end.

Season of the Deep had some insight on that too:

Zavala: Rasputin proved we can't beat Xivu Arath in direct conflict, but..

Sloane: Zavala, I tried every which way to fight her when Titan went dark. I never managed to put a dent in her plans. Just survive.

Zavala: So it is truly it. [sighs] And all that's left is for us to accept it.

(Deep Dives, Week Six)

And my absolute favourite:

Sloane: This report is interesting. Xivu Arath intended to use Rasputin's Warsat network as an unwinning scenario. We fire the Warsats on her army, she gains power through death. She fires the Warsats on the City, everyone dies. We only achieved victory through defeat. Through a... moment of sacrifice. It makes me wonder about our approach to defeating her.

Lord Saladin: Winning without fighting. Philosophers of war have contemplated this very thing, both in our culture and, as I've learned, those beyond Earth.

Sloane: How do you defeat the undefeatable? That's an interesting problem.

(Salvage, Week Three)

...But then we got Season of the Witch, and it turned out the way to defeat the undefeatable is simply to hit it harder.

Okay, but why shouldn't it work? I've said before Eris was extremely powerful by herself, and with the plan to boost her with our tithes, she'd be even more beefed up on sword logic. Why couldn't she hit Xivu Arath harder?

Well, for the simple reason that Xivu gets power from war--all war, or at least all war against herself. Even disregarding the sheer disparity in power at the start, the billions of years of tithes that Xivu was ahead of Eris, this idea was doomed at the start, because for every ounce of killing-power we passed over to Eris, Xivu got the same amount of tribute. We were making war on her, for Eir's sake, what else were we expecting?

Same goes for the idea that we cut off the tribute Xivu was getting from her powerful lieutenants like Ir Uulxal and took it for ourselves/Eris. Yeah, that's probable, but at the same time we were powering Xivu up by making war on her. That had been the whole point of her as an undefeatable antagonist.

I've heard people argue that what we were doing in Witch wasn't direct violence against Xivu, so it didn't count as war. And to those people I say that hybrid warfare is a thing. Seriously, my country neighbours both Russia and Belarus, and I don't want go on an IRL tangent but claiming the only act that count as war is the direct clashing of blades is some extremely medieval thinking. It's like saying the Cold War wasn't a war. Planning, plotting and strategising how to destroy an enemy absolutely is war, gathering power in order to destroy the enemy is war, trying to outmaneouver and outplay the enemy tactically is war. If the point is aggression or counteraggression, if there is An Enemy, it is war.

I'm willing to accept Eris got some amount of power from Xivu invoking her nature of vengeance in her acts of war against us, but still, it would be ridiculous to believe that would've been enough to match and surpass the might of Xivu herself. I'm sorry, it's simply unrealistic. In her acts of vengeance Xivu did not alter the universe in any meaningful way, she just threw a few beefed up Taken at us and that was it. If she'd, idk, kicked Venus into the Sun in her vengeful rage, then maybe we could've talked about Eris gaining a substantial boost of tribute, but as things stand there was barely anything to go by.

3.2) Savathûn and Death

Alright, but what about that extremely sexy assassination of Savathûn that Eris performed after the final mission? The game said that this was the source for the missing chunk of power Eris needed to defeat Xivu! Savathûn had been super powerful, right? Why wouldn't that be enough?

There are two problems here, and let's tackle the smaller one first. We don't really know how powerful Savathûn was after she had been raised as a Lightbearer, exactly. The tactical obliviousness of the entirety of Witch Queen to imbaru suggests post-rez Sav is no longer in the tithe system and cannot gain power through the Hive magic means because she doesn't have a worm anymore. That doesn't mind she isn't powerful, and that by deposing her one wouldn't make an enormous change in the universe, but we don't know if she can get more powerful anymore. SotWitch reintroduced the imbaru engine, but doesn't elaborate on what it even does now that Sav doesn't have a worm, or how it works.

And now the bigger problem: Eris did not claim Savathûn's power when she killed her.

This whole system is based on Anthem Anatheme, remember? Making ripples in the universe. Creating spaces between what-is and what-is-wanted. What Toland says after we kill Ascendant Oryx puts it well:

Dwell a moment on the weight of what you’ve done. Contemplate the story you just ended. Will you ever do anything that screams down the millennia? Will you ever hammer your will on the universe until it rings and rings and rings? Oryx was an awesome power. Show reverence. (Oryx: Defeated)

There is a reason why the Grimoire card unlocked by killing Oryx in Regicide is called "Oryx: Rebuked", and the one we get after killing him in King's Fall is "Oryx: Defeated". We did not defeat him in Regicide. We put a dent in his plans, sure, we weakened him, but we did not kill him. That's the point of Ascendance, of throne world and oversouls and other means of hiding death: they make you harder to kill permanently.

Ghosts are funny, because they serve pretty much the same purpose. They hide their Guardians' death. The Guardian isn't dead as long as their Ghost lives. That's our conditional immortality - we depend on our Ghosts just as Ascendant Hive depend on their throne worlds.

Death doesn't stick unless it's permanent and irreversible. I'll even risk the claim that the power Mara generated (and would've assumed, has she been in the tithing system) by indirectly causing Savathûn's death—immense power—was removed from her tally, so to say, in the moment of either Savathûn's resurrection, or when she got her memories back and decided she was still herself and not a new person with a clean record.

Eris couldn't have claimed Savathûn's power for herself without killing Immaru, just as she couldn't have taken the power generated by Oryx's death if he'd been killed in the physical world only. This wasn't an "interesting sword logic stunt", this was a suspension of logic priory established in-universe and it infuriates me to the point of pulling out hair. There is no way this can work. If it DID work, Ascendant Hive would've created power batteries for themselves by killing each other in the physical world and coming back to life as if nothing had happened eons ago. The Books of Sorrow go out of their way to point out that Savathûn and Xivu's deaths in star by star by star were "true deaths" and that's why Auryx was able to claim his sisters' power.

This is either a lazy retcon serving to nerf a character too powerful for the narrative to handle, or the writers not understanding how their own universe works. It's infuriating, it's stupid, and it does Xivu Arath so dirty I struggle to find words for it. It strips her of the most compelling part of her as an antagonist. And down at its core, it's a lack of creative courage. Did her undefeatability make Xivu Arath an extremely difficult antagonist to handle? Of course!! But when you write characters like that, you should be brave about it. You should commit. And as things stand now, it appears the creators had been challenged by their own story and instead of picking up a fight they backed out and changed the rules. They were been defeated by their own creation. Which is, of course, a note of praise to how good the creation was, but in the end it leads to a sad conclusion. Bungie can no longer handle the story they're telling; and whether that is because of the seasonal model, or the speed at which they've forced themselves to update at, or a lack of communication in the writing team, or any other reason, I sincerely don't care. The result remains the same either way.

[superlinguo]

Research Data Management. Or, How I made multiple backups and still almost lost my honours thesis.

This is a story I used to tell while teaching fieldworkers and other researchers about how to manage their data. It’s a moderately improbable story, but it happened to me and others have benefited from my misadventures. I haven't had reason to tell it much lately, and I thought it might be useful to put into writing. This is a story from before cloud storage was common - back when you could, and often would, run out of online email storage space. Content note: this story includes some unpleasant things that happened to me, including multiple stories of theft (cf. moderately improbable). Also, because it's stressful for most of the story, I want to reassure you that it does have a happy conclusion. It explains a lot of my enthusiasm for good research data management. In Australia, 'honours' is an optional fourth year for a three year degree. It's a chance to do some more advanced coursework and try your hand at research, with a small thesis project. Of course, it doesn't feel small when it's the first time you've done a project that takes a whole year and is five times bigger than anything you’ve ever written. I've written briefly about my honours story (here, and here in a longer post about my late honours supervisor Barb Kelly) . While I did finish my project, it all ended a bit weirdly when my supervisor Barb got ill and left during the analysis/writing crunch. The year after finishing honours I got an office job. I hoped to maybe do something more with my honours work, but I wasn't sure what, and figured I would wait until Barb was better. During that year, my sharehouse flat was broken into and the thief walked out with the laptop I'd used to do my honours project. The computer had all my university files on it, including my data and the Word version of my thesis. I lost interview video files, transcriptions, drafts, notes and everything except the PDF version I had uploaded to the University's online portal. Uploading was optional at the time, if I didn't do that I probably would have just been left with a single printed copy. I also lost all my jewellery and my brother’s base guitar, but I was most sad about the data (sorry bro). Thankfully, I made a backup of my data and files on a USB drive that I kept in my handbag. This was back when a 4GB thumb drive was an investment. That Friday, feeling sorry for myself after losing so many things I couldn't replace, I decided to go dancing to cheer myself up. While out with a group of friends, my bag was stolen. It was the first time I had a nice handbag, and I still miss it. Thankfully, I knew to make more than one back up. I had an older USB that I'd tucked down the back of the books on my shelf (a vintage 256MB drive my dad kindly got for me in undergrad after a very bad week when I lost an essay to a corrupted floppy disk). When I went to retrieve the files, the drive was (also) corrupted. This happens with hard drives sometimes. My three different copies in three different locations were now lost to me.

Thankfully, my computer had a CD/DVD burner. This was a very cool feature in the mid-tens, and I used to make a lot of mixed CDs for my friends. During my honours project I had burned backed up files on some discs and left them at my parents house. It was this third backup, kept off site, which became the only copy of my project. I very quickly made more copies. When Barb was back at work, and I rejoined her as a PhD student, it meant we could return to the data and all my notes. The thesis went through a complete rewrite and many years later was published as a journal article (Gawne & Kelly 2014). It would have probably never happened if I didn’t have those project files. I continued with the same cautious approach to my research data ever since, including sending home SD cards while on field trips, making use of online storage, and archiving data with institutional repositories while a project is ongoing.

I’m glad that I made enough copies that I learnt a good lesson from a terrible series of events. Hopefully this will prompt you, too, to think about how many copies you have, where they’re located, and what would happen if you lost access to your online storage.

[sleeplesslionheart]

The Haunting of Bly Manor as Allegory: Self-Sacrifice, Grief, and Queer Representation

As always, I am extremely late with my fandom infatuations—this time, I’m about three years late getting smitten with Dani and Jamie from The Haunting of Bly Manor.

Because of my lateness, I’ll confess from the start that I’m largely unfamiliar with the fandom’s output: whether fanfiction, interpretations, analyses, discourse, what have you. I’ve dabbled around a bit, but haven’t seen anything near the extent of the discussions that may or may not have happened in the wake of the show’s release, so I apologize if I’m re-treading already well-trod ground or otherwise making observations that’ve already been made. Even so, I’m completely stuck on Dani/Jamie right now and have some thoughts that I want to compose and work through.

This analysis concerns the show’s concluding episode in particular, so please be aware that it contains heavy, detailed spoilers for the ending, as well as the show in its entirety. Additionally, as a major trigger warning: this essay contains explicit references to suicide and suicidal ideation, so please tread cautiously. (These are triggers for me, and I did, in fact, manage to trigger myself while writing this—but this was also very therapeutic to write, so those triggering moments wound up also being some healing opportunities for me. But definitely take care of yourself while reading this, okay?).

After finishing Bly and necessarily being destroyed by the ending, staying up until 2:00 a.m. crying, re-watching scenes on Youtube, so on and so forth, I came away from the show (as others have before me) feeling like its ending functioned fairly well as an allegory for loving and being in a romantic partnership with someone who suffers from severe mental illness, grief, and trauma.

Without going too deeply into my own personal backstory, I want to provide some opening context, which I think will help to show why this interpretation matters to me and how I’m making sense of it.

Like many of Bly’s characters, I’ve experienced catastrophic grief and loss in my own life. A few years ago, my brother died in some horrific circumstances (which you can probably guess at if you read between the lines here), leaving me traumatized and with severe problems with my mental health. When it happened, I was engaged to a man (it was back when I thought I was straight (lol), so I’ve also found Dani’s comphet backstory to be incredibly relatable…but more on this later) who quickly tired of my grieving. Just a few months after my brother’s death, my then-fiancé started saying things like “I wish you’d just go back to normal, the way you were” and “I’ve gotten back on-track and am just waiting for you to get back on-track with me,” apparently without any understanding that my old “normal” was completely gone and was never coming back. He saw my panic attacks as threatening and unreasonable, often resorting to yelling at me to stop instead of trying to comfort me. He complained that he felt like I hadn’t reciprocated the care that he’d provided me in the immediate aftermath of my brother’s loss, and that he needed me to set aside my grief (and “heal from it”) so that he could be the center of my attention. Although this was not the sole cause, all of it laid the groundwork for our eventual breakup. It was as though my trauma and mourning had ruined the innocent happiness of his own life, and he didn’t want to deal with it anymore.

Given this, I was powerfully struck by the ways that Jamie handles Dani’s trauma: accepting and supporting her, never shaming her or diminishing her pain.

Early in the show—in their first true interaction with one another, in fact—Jamie finds Dani in the throes of a panic attack. She responds to this with no judgment; instead, she validates Dani’s experiences. To put Dani at ease, she first jokes about her own “endless well of deep, inconsolable tears,” before then offering more serious words of encouragement about how well Dani is dealing with the circumstances at Bly. Later, when Dani confesses to seeing apparitions of Peter and Edmund, Jamie doesn’t pathologize this, doubt it, or demean it, but accepts it with a sincere question about whether Dani’s ex-fiancé is with them at that moment—followed by another effort to comfort Dani with some joking (this time, a light-hearted threat at Edmund to back off) and more affirmations of Dani’s strength in the face of it all.

All of this isn’t to say, however, that Dani’s grief-driven behaviors don’t also hurt Jamie (or, more generally, that grieving folks don’t also do things that hurt their loved ones). When Dani recoils from their first kiss because of another guilt-inspired vision of Eddie, Jamie is clearly hurt and disappointed; still, Jamie doesn’t hold this against Dani, as she instead tries to take responsibility for it herself. A week later, though, Jamie strongly indicates that she needed that time to be alone in the aftermath and that she is wary that Dani’s pattern of withdrawing from her every time they start to get closer will continue to happen. Nonetheless, it’s important to note that this contributes to Dani’s recognition that she’s been allowing her guilt about Eddie’s death to become all-consuming, preventing her from acting on her own desires to be with Jamie. That recognition, in turn, leads Dani to decide to move through her grief and beyond her guilt. Once she’s alone later in the evening after that first kiss, Dani casts Eddie’s glasses into the bonfire’s lingering embers; she faces off with his specter for a final time, and after burning away his shadow, her visions of him finally cease. When she and Jamie reunite during their 6:00 a.m. terrible coffee visit, Dani acknowledges that the way that she and Jamie left things was “wrong,” and she actively tries to take steps to “do something right” by inviting Jamie out for a drink at the village pub…which, of course, just so happens to be right below Jamie’s flat. (Victoria Pedretti’s expressions in that scene are so good).

Before we continue, though, let’s pause here a moment to consider some crucial factors in all of this. First, there is a significant difference between “moving through one’s grief” and simply discarding it…or being pressured by someone else to discard it. Second, there is also a significant difference between “moving through one’s grief” and allowing one’s grief to become all-consuming. Keep these distinctions in mind as we go on.

Ultimately, the resolution of the show’s core supernatural conflict involves Dani inviting Viola’s ghost to inhabit her, which Viola accepts. This frees the other spirits who have been caught in Bly Manor’s “gravity well,” even as it dooms Dani to eventually be overtaken by Viola and her rage. Jamie, however, offers to stay with Dani while she waits for this “beast in the jungle” to claim her. The show’s final episode shows the two of them going on to forge a life together, opening a flower shop in a cute town in Vermont, enjoying years of domestic bliss, and later getting married (in what capacities they can—more on this soon), all while remaining acutely aware of the inevitability of Dani’s demise.

The allegorical potentials of this concluding narrative scenario are fairly flexible. It is possible, for instance, to interpret Dani’s “beast in the jungle” as chronic (and/or terminal) illness—in particular, there’re some harrowing readings that we could do in relation to degenerative neurological diseases associated with aging (e.g. dementia, Alzheimer’s, Parkinson’s, progressive supranuclear palsy, etc.), especially if we put the final episode into conversation with the show’s earlier subplot about the death of Owen’s mother, its recurring themes of memory loss as a form of death (or, even, as something worse than death), and Jamie’s resonant remarks that she would rather be “put out of her misery” than let herself be “worn away a little bit every day.” For the purposes of this analysis, though, I’m primarily concerned with interpreting Viola’s lurking presence in Dani’s psyche as a stand-in for severe grief, trauma, and mental illness. …Because, even as we may “move through” grief and trauma, and even as we may work to heal from them, they never just go away completely—they’re always lurking around, waiting to resurface. (In fact, the final minutes of the last episode feature a conversation between older Jamie and Flora about contending with this inevitable recurrence of grief). Therapy can give us tools to negotiate and live with them, of course; but that doesn’t mean that they’re not still present in our lives. The tools that therapy provides are meant to help us manage those inevitable resurfacings in healthy ways. But they are not meant to return us to some pre-grief or pre-trauma state of “normality” or to make them magically dissipate into the ether, never to return. And, even with plenty of therapy and with healthy coping mechanisms, we can still experience significant mental health issues in the wake of catastrophic grief, loss, and trauma; therapy doesn’t totally preclude that possibility.

In light of my own experiences with personal tragedy, crumbling mental health, and the dissolution of a romantic partnership with someone who couldn’t accept the presence of grief in my life, I was immediately enamored with the ways that Jamie approaches the enduring aftereffects of Dani’s trauma during the show’s final episode. Jamie never once pressures Dani to just be “normal.” She never once issues any judgment about what Dani is experiencing. At those times when Dani’s grief and trauma do resurface—when the beast in the jungle catches up with her—Jamie is there to console her, often with the strategies that have always worked in their relationship: gentle, playful ribbing and words of affirmation. There are instances in which Dani doesn’t emote joyfulness during events that we might otherwise expect her to—consider, for instance, how somber Dani appears in the proposal scene, in contrast to Jamie’s smiles and laughter. (In the year after my brother’s death, my ex-fiancé and his family would observe that I seemed gloomy in situations that they thought should be fun and exciting. “Then why aren’t you smiling?” they’d ask, even when I tried to assure them that I was having a good time, but just couldn’t completely feel that or express it in the ways that I might’ve in the past). Dani even comments on an inability to feel that is all too reminiscent of the blunting of emotions that can happen in the wake of acute trauma: “It’s like I see you in front of me and I feel you touching me, and every day we’re living our lives, and I’m aware of that. But it’s like I don’t feel it all the way.” But throughout all of this (and in contrast to my own experiences with my ex), Jamie attempts to ground Dani without ever invalidating what she’s experiencing. When Dani tells her that she can’t feel, Jamie assures her, “If you can’t feel anything, then I’ll feel everything for the both of us.”

A few days after I finished the show for the first time, I gushed to a friend about how taken I was with the whole thing. Jamie was just so…not what I had experienced in my own life. I loved witnessing a representation of such a supportive and understanding partner, especially within the context of a sapphic romance. After breaking up with my own ex-fiancé, I’ve since come to terms with my sexuality and am still processing through the roles that compulsory heterosexuality and internalized homophobia have played in my life; so Dani and Jamie’s relationship has been incredibly meaningful for me to see for so, so many reasons.

“I’m glad you found the show so relatable,” my friend told me. “But,” she cautioned, “don’t lose sight of what Dani does in that relationship.” Then, she pointed out something that I hadn’t considered at all. Although Jamie may model the possibilities of a supportive partnership, Dani’s tragic death espouses a very different and very troubling perspective: the poisonous belief that I’m inevitably going to hurt my partner with my grief and trauma, so I need to leave them before I can inflict that harm on them.

Indeed, this is a deeply engrained belief that I hold about myself. While I harbor a great deal of anger at my ex-fiancé for how he treated me, there’s also still a part of me that sincerely believes that I nearly ruined his and his family’s lives by bringing such immense devastation and darkness into it. On my bad days (which are many), I have strong convictions about this in relation to my future romantic prospects as well. How could anyone ever want to be with me? I wonder. And even if someone eventually does try to be with me, all I’ll do is ruin her life with all my trauma and sadness. I shouldn’t even want to be with anyone, because I don’t want to hurt someone else. I don’t want someone else to deal with what I’ve had to deal with. I even think about this, too, with my friends. Since my brother’s death and my breakup, I’ve gone through even more trauma, pain, grief, and loss, such that now I continue to struggle enormously with issues like anhedonia, emotional fragility, and social anxiety. I worry, consequently, that I’m just a burden on my friends. That I’m too hard to be around. That being around me, with all of my pain and perpetual misfortune, just causes my friends pain, too. That they’re better off not having to deal with me at all. I could spare them all, I think, by just letting them go, by not bothering them anymore.

I suspect that this is why I didn’t notice any issues with Dani’s behavior at the end of Bly Manor at first. Well…that and the fact that the reality of the show’s conclusion is immensely triggering for me. Probably, my attention just kind of slid past the truth of it in favor of indulging in the catharsis of a sad gay romance.

But after my friend observed this issue, I couldn’t stop thinking about it.

I realized, then, that I hadn’t extended the allegory out to its necessary conclusion…which is that Dani has, in effect, committed suicide in order to—or so she believes, at least—protect Jamie from her. This is the case regardless of whether we keep Viola’s ghost in the mix as an actual, tangible, existing threat within the show’s diegesis or as a figurative symbol of the ways that other forces can “haunt” us to the point of our own self-destruction. If the former, then Dani’s suicide (or the more gentle and elusive description that I’ve seen: her act of “giving herself to the lake”) is to prevent Viola’s ghost from ever harming Jamie. But if the latter, if we continue doing the work of allegorical readings, then it’s possible to interpret Bly’s conclusion as the tragedy of Dani ultimately succumbing to her mental illness and suicidal ideation.

The problems with this allegory’s import really start cropping up, however, when we consider the ways that the show valorizes Dani’s actions as an expression of ultimate, self-sacrificing love—a valorization that Bly accomplishes, in particular, through its sustained contrasting of love and possession.

The Implications of Idealizing Self-Sacrifice as True Love

During a pivotal conversation in one of the show’s early episodes, Dani and Jamie discuss the “wrong kind of love” that existed between Rebecca Jessel and Peter Quint. Jamie remarks on how she “understands why so many people mix up love and possession,” thereby characterizing Rebecca and Peter’s romance as a matter of possession—as well as hinting, perhaps, that Jamie herself has had experiences with this in her own past. After considering for a moment, Dani agrees: “People do, don’t they? Mix up love and possession. […] I don’t think that should be possible. I mean, they’re opposites, really, love and ownership.” We can already tell from this scene that Dani and Jamie are, themselves, heading towards a burgeoning romance—and that this contrast between love and possession (and their self-awareness of it) is going to become a defining feature of that romance.

Indeed, the show takes great pains to emphasize the genuine love that exists between Dani and Jamie against the damaging drive for possession enacted by characters like Peter (who consistently manipulates Rebecca and kills her to keep her ghost with him) and Viola (who has killed numerous people and trapped their souls at Bly over the centuries in a long since forgotten effort to reclaim her life with her husband and daughter from Perdita, her murderously jealous sister). These contrasts take multiple forms and emerge from multiple angles, all to establish that Dani and Jamie’s love is uniquely safe, caring, healing, mutually supportive, and built on a foundation of prevailing concern for the other’s wellbeing. Some of these contrasts are subtle and understated. Consider, for instance, how Hannah observes that Rebecca looks like she hasn’t slept in days because of the turmoil of her entanglements with Peter, whereas Jamie’s narration describes how Dani gets the best sleep of her life during the first night that she and Jamie spend together. Note, too, the editing work in Episode 6 that fades in and out between the memories of the destructive ramifications of Henry and Charlotte’s affair and the scenes of tender progression in Dani and Jamie’s romance. Other contrasts, though, are far more overt. Of course, one of the most blatant examples (and most pertinent to this analysis) is the very fact that the ghosts of Viola, Peter, and Rebecca are striving to reclaim the people they love and the lives that they’ve lost by literally possessing the bodies and existences of the living.

The role of consent is an important factor in these ghostly possessions and serves as a further contrast with Dani and Jamie’s relationship. Peter and Rebecca frequently possess Miles and Flora without their consent—at times, even, when the children explicitly tell them to stop or, at the very least, to provide them with warnings beforehand. While inhabiting the children, Peter and Rebecca go on to harm them and put them at risk (e.g. Peter smokes cigarettes while in Miles’s body; Rebecca leaves Flora alone and unconscious on the grounds outside the manor) and to commit acts of violence against others (e.g. Peter pushes Hannah into the well, killing her; Peter and Rebecca together attack Dani and restrain her). The “It’s you, it’s me, it’s us,” conceit—with which living people can invite Bly’s ghosts to possess them, the mechanism by which Dani breaks the curse of Bly’s gravity well—is a case of dubious consent at best and abusive, violent control at worst. (“I didn’t agree,” Rebecca says after Peter leaves her body, releasing his “invited” possession of her at the very moment that the lake’s waters start to fill her lungs).

Against these selfish possessions and wrong kinds of love, Jamie and Dani’s love is defined by their selfless refusal to possess one another. A key characteristic of their courtship involves them expressing vulnerability in ways that invite the other to make their own decisions about whether to accept and how to proceed (or not proceed). As we discussed earlier, Dani and Jamie’s first kiss happens after Dani opens up about her guilt surrounding her ex-fiancé’s death. Pausing that kiss, Jamie checks, “You sure?” and only continues after Dani answers with a spoken yes. (Let’s also take this moment to appreciate Amelia Eve’s excellent, whispered “Thank fuck,” that isn’t included in Netflix’s subtitles). Even so, Dani frantically breaks away from her just moments later. But Jamie accepts this and doesn’t push Dani to continue, believing, in fact, that Dani has withdrawn precisely because Jamie has pushed too much already. A week later, Dani takes the initiative to advance their budding romance by inviting Jamie out for a drink—which Jamie accepts by, instead, taking Dani to see her blooming moonflowers that very evening. There, in her own moment of vulnerability, Jamie shares her heart-wrenching and tumultuous backstory with Dani in order to “skip to the end” and spare Dani the effort of getting to know her. By openly sharing these difficult details about herself, Jamie evidently intends to provide Dani with information that would help her decide for herself whether she wants to continue their relationship or not.

Their shared refusal to possess reaches its ultimate culmination in that moment, all those years later, when Dani discovers just how close she’s come to strangling Jamie—and then leaves their home to travel all the way back to Bly and drown herself in the lake because she could “not risk her most important thing, her most important person.” Upon waking to find that Dani has left, Jamie immediately sets off to follow her back to Bly. And in an absolutely heartbreaking, beautiful scene, we see Jamie attempting the “you, me, us,” invitation, desperate for Dani to possess her, for Dani to take Jamie with her. (Y’all, I know I’m critiquing this scene right now, but I also fuckin’ love it, okay? Ugh. The sight of Jamie screaming into the water and helplessly grasping for Dani is gonna stay with me forever. brb while I go cry about it again). Dani, of course, refuses this plea. Because “Dani wouldn’t. Dani would never.” Further emphasizing the nobility of Dani’s actions, Jamie’s narration also reveals that Dani’s self-sacrificial death has not only spared Jamie alone, but has also enabled Dani to take the place of the Lady of the Lake and thereby ensure that no one else can be taken and possessed by Viola’s gravity well ever again.

And so we have the show’s ennoblement of Dani’s magnanimous self-sacrifice. By inviting Viola to possess her, drowning herself to keep from harming Jamie, and then refusing to possess Jamie or anyone else, Dani has effectively saved everyone: the children, the restive souls that have been trapped at Bly, anyone else who may ever come to Bly in the future, and the woman she loves most. Dani has also, then, broken the perpetuation of Bly’s cycles of possession and trauma with her selfless expression of love for Jamie.

The unfortunate effect of all of this is that, quite without meaning to (I think? I hope—), The Haunting of Bly Manor ends up stumbling headlong into a validation of suicide as a selfless act of true love, as a force of protection and salvation.

So, before we proceed, I just want to take this moment to say—definitively, emphatically, as someone who has survived and experienced firsthand the ineffably catastrophic consequences of suicide—that suicide is nothing remotely resembling a selfless “refusal to possess” or an act of love. I’m not going to harp extensively on this, though, because I’d rather not trigger myself for a second time (so far, lol) while writing this essay. Just take my fuckin’ word for it. And before anybody tries to hit me with some excuse like “But Squall, it isn’t that the show is valorizing suicide, it’s that Dani is literally protecting Jamie from Viola,” please consider that I’ve already discussed how the show’s depiction of this lent itself to my own noxious beliefs that “all I do is harm other people with my grief, so maybe I should stop talking to my friends so that they don’t have to deal with me anymore.” Please consider what these narrative details and their allegorical import might tell people who are struggling with their mental health—even if not with suicidal ideation, then with the notion that they should self-sacrificially remove themselves from relationships for the sake of sparing loved ones from (assumed) harm.

Okay, that said, now let’s proceed…‘cause I’ve got even more to say, ‘cause the more I mulled over these details, the more I also came to realize that Dani’s self-sacrificial death in Bly’s conclusion also has the unfortunate effect of undermining some of its other (attempted) themes and its queer representation.

What Bly Manor Tries (and Fails) to Say about Grief and Acceptance

Let’s start by jumping back to a theme we’ve already addressed briefly: moving through one’s grief.

The Haunting of Bly Manor does, in fact, have a lot to say about this. Or…it wants to, more like. On the whole, it seems like it’s trying really hard to give us a cautionary tale about the destructive effects of unprocessed grief and the misplaced guilt that we can wind up carrying around when someone we love dies. The show spends a whole lot of time preaching about how important it is that we learn to accept our losses without allowing them to totally consume us—or without lingering around in denial about them (gettin’ some Kübler-Ross in here, y’all). Sadly, though, it does kind of a half-assed job of it…despite the fact that this is a major recurring theme and a component of the characterizations and storylines of, like, most of its characters. In fact, this fundamentally Kübler-Rossian understanding of what it means to move through grief and to accept loss and mortality appears to be the show’s guiding framework. During his rehearsal dinner speech in the first episode, Owen proclaims that, “To truly love another person is to accept that the work of loving them is worth the pain of losing them,” with such eerie resonance—as the camera stays set on Jamie’s unwavering gaze—that we know that what we’re about to experience is a story about accepting the inevitable losses of the people we love.

Bly Manor is chock full of characters who’re stuck in earlier stages of grief but aren’t really moving along to reach that acceptance stage. I mean, the whole cause of the main supernatural haunting is that Viola so ferociously refuses to accept her death and move on from her rage (brought about by Perdita’s resentment) that she spends centuries strangling whoever she comes across, which then effectively traps them there with her. And the other antagonistic ghostly forces, Rebecca and Peter, also obviously suck at accepting their own deaths, given that they actually believe that possessing two children is a perfectly fine (and splendid) way for them to grasp at some semblance of life again. (Actually…the more that I’ve thought about this, the more that I think each of the pre-acceptance stages of grief in Kübler-Ross’s model may even have a corresponding character to represent it: Hannah is denial; Viola is anger; Peter and Rebecca are bargaining; Henry is depression. Just a little something to chew on).

But let’s talk more at-length about this theme in relation to two characters we haven’t focused on yet: Hannah and Henry. For Hannah, this theme shows up in her struggles to accept that her husband, Sam, has left her (Charlotte wryly burns candles in the chapel as though marking his passing, while Hannah seems to be holding out hope that he might return) and in her persistent denial that Peter-as-Miles has killed her. As a ghost, she determinedly continues going about her daily life and chores even as she’s progressively losing her grip on reality. Henry, meanwhile, won’t issue official notifications of Dominic’s death and continues to collect his mail because doing otherwise would mean admitting to the true finality of Dominic’s loss. At the same time, he is so, completely consumed by his guilt about the role that he believes he played in Charlotte and Dominic’s deaths that he’s haunting himself with an evil alter-ego. His overriding guilt and despair also result in his refusal to be more present in Miles and Flora’s lives—even with the knowledge that Flora is actually his daughter.

In the end, both Hannah and Henry reach some critical moments of acceptance. But, honestly, the show doesn’t do a great job of bringing home this theme of move through your grief with either of them…or with anybody else, really. Peter basically winds up bullying Hannah into recognizing that her broken body is still at the bottom of the well—and then she accepts her own death right in time to make a completely abortive attempt at rescuing Dani and Flora. Henry finally has a preternatural Bad Feeling about things (something about a phone being disconnected? whose phone? Bly’s phone? his phone? I don’t understand), snaps to attention, and rushes to Bly right in time to make an equally abortive rescue attempt that leaves him incapacitated so that his not-quite-ghost can hang out with Hannah long enough to find out that she’s dead. But at least he decides to be an attentive uncle/dad to Miles and Flora after that, I guess. Otherwise, Hannah and Henry get handwaved away pretty quickly before we can really witness what their acceptance means for them in any meaningful detail. (I blame this on some sloppy writing and the way-too-long, all-about-Viola eighth episode. And, on that note, what about the “acceptances” of Rebecca, Peter, and Viola there at the end? Rebecca does get an interesting moment of acceptance—of a sort—with her offer to possess Flora in order to experience Flora’s imminent drowning for her, thereby sparing the child by tucking her in a happy memory. Peter just…disappears at the end with some way-too-late words of apology. Viola’s “acceptance,” however, is tricky…What she accepts is Dani’s invitation to inhabit her. More on this later).

Hannah and Henry’s stories appear to be part of the show’s efforts to warn us about the ways that unprocessed, all-consuming grief can cause us to miss opportunities to have meaningful relationships with others. Hannah doesn’t just miss her chance to be with Owen because…well, she’s dead, but also because of her unwillingness to move on from Sam beforehand. Her denial about her own death, in turn, prevents her from taking the opportunity as a ghost to tell Owen that she loves him. Henry, at least, does figure out that he’s about to lose his chance to be a caring parental figure to his daughter and nephew—but just barely. It takes the near-deaths of him and the children to finally prompt that realization.

Of the cast, Dani gets the most thorough and intentional development of this move through your grief theme. And, importantly, she learns this lesson in time to cultivate a meaningful relationship that she could’ve easily missed out on otherwise. As we’ve already discussed, a critical part of Dani’s character arc involves her realization that she has to directly confront Edmund’s death and start absolving herself of her guilt in order to open up the possibility of a romantic relationship with Jamie. In Episode 4, Jamie’s narration suggests that Dani has had a habit of putting off such difficult processes (whether in regards to moving through her grief, breaking off her engagement to Edmund, or coming to terms with her sexuality), as she’s been constantly deferring to “another night, another time for years and years.” Indeed, the show’s early episodes are largely devoted to showing the consequences of Dani’s deferrals and avoidances. From the very beginning, we see just how intrusively Dani’s unresolved guilt is impacting her daily life and functioning. She covers up mirrors to try to prevent herself from encountering Edmund’s haunting visage, yet still spots him in the reflections of windows and polished surfaces. Panic attacks seem to be regular occurrences for her, sparked by reminders of him. And all of this only gets worse and more disruptive as Dani starts acting on her attraction to Jamie.

It's only after Dani decides to begin moving through her grief and guilt that she’s able to start becoming emotionally and physically intimate with Jamie. And the major turning point for this comes during a scene that features a direct, explicit discussion of the importance of accepting (and even embracing) mortality.

That’s right—it’s time to talk about the moonflower scene.

In a very “I am extremely fed up with people not being able to deal with my traumatic past, so I’m going to tell you about all of the shit that I’ve been through so that you can go ahead and decide whether you want to bolt right now instead of just dropping me later on” move (which…legit, Jamie—I feel that), Jamie sits Dani down at her moonflower patch to give her the full rundown of her own personal backstory and worldview. Her monologue evinces both a profound cynicism and a profound valuation of human life…all of which is also suggestive, to me at least, of a traumatized person who at once desperately wishes for intimate connection, but who’s also been burned way too many times (something with which I am wholly unfamiliar, lol). She characterizes people as “exhaustive effort with very little to show for it,” only to go on to wax poetic about how human mortality is as beautiful as the ephemeral buds of a moonflower. This is, in essence, Jamie’s sorta convoluted way of articulating that whole “To truly love another person is to accept that the work of loving them is worth the pain of losing them” idea.

After detailing her own past, Jamie shifts gears to suggest that she believes that cultivating a relationship with Dani—like the devoted work of growing a tropical, transient Ipomoea alba in England—might be worth the effort. And as part of this cultivation work, Jamie then acknowledges Dani’s struggles with her guilt, while also firmly encouraging her to move through it by accepting the beauty of mortality:  

“I know you’re carrying this guilt around, but I also know that you don’t decide who lives and who doesn’t. I’m sorry Dani, but you don’t. Humans are organic. It’s a fact. We’re meant to die. It’s natural…beautiful. […] We leave more life behind to take our place. Like this moonflower. It’s where all its beauty lies, you know. In the mortality of the thing.”

After that, Jamie and Dani are finally able to make out unimpeded.

Frustratingly, though, Jamie’s own dealings with grief, loss, and trauma remain terribly understated throughout the show. Her monologue in the moonflower scene is really the most insight that we ever get. Jamie consistently comes off as better equipped to contend with life’s hardships than many of Bly’s other characters; and she is, in fact, the sole member of the cast who is confirmed to have ever had any sort of professional therapy. She regularly demonstrates a remarkable sense of empathy and emotional awareness, able to pick up on others’ needs and then support them accordingly, though often in gruff, tough-love forms. Further, there are numerous scenes in which we see Jamie bestowing incisive guidance for handling difficult situations: the moonflower scene, her advice to Rebecca about contacting Henry after Peter’s disappearance, and her suggestion to Dani that Flora needs to see a psychologist, to name just a few. As such, Jamie appears to have—or, at least, projects—a sort of unflappable groundedness that sets her apart from everyone else in the show.

Bly only suggests that Jamie’s struggles run far deeper than she lets on. There are a few times that we witness quick-tempered outbursts (usually provoked by Miles) and hints of bottled-up rage. Lest we forget, although it was Flora who first found Rebecca’s dead body floating in the water, it was Jamie who then found them both immediately thereafter. We see this happen, but we never learn anything about the impact that this must have had on her. Indeed, Jamie’s exposure to the layered, compounding grief at Bly has no doubt inflicted a great deal of pain on her, suggested by details like her memorialization of Charlotte and Dominic during the bonfire scene. If we look past her flippancy, there must be more than a few grains of truth to that endless well of deep, inconsolable tears—but Jamie never actually shares what they might be. Moreover, although the moonflower scene reveals the complex traumas of her past, we never get any follow-up or elaboration about those details or Dani’s observation of the scar on her shoulder. For the most part, Jamie’s grief goes unspoken.

There’s a case to be made that these omissions are a byproduct of narrator Jamie decentering herself in a story whose primary focus is Dani. Narrator Jamie even claims that the story she’s telling “isn’t really my story. It belongs to someone I knew” (yes, it’s a diversionary tactic to keep us from learning her identity too soon—but she also means it). And in plenty of respects, the telling of the story is, itself, Jamie’s extended expression of her grief. By engaging in this act of oral storytelling to share Dani’s sacrifice with others—especially with those who would have otherwise forgotten—Jamie is performing an important ritual of mourning her wife. Still, it’s for exactly these reasons that I think it would’ve been valuable for the show to include more about the impacts that grief, loss, and trauma had on Jamie prior to Dani’s death. Jamie’s underdevelopment on this front feels more like a disappointing oversight of the show’s writing than her narrator self’s intentional, careful withholding of information. Additionally, I think that Bly leaves Jamie’s grieving on an…odd note (though, yes, I know I’m just a curmudgeonly outlier here). Those saccharine final moments of Jamie filling up the bathtub and sleeping on a chair so that she can face the cracked doorway are a little too heavy-handedly tear-jerking for my liking. And while this, too, may be a ritual of mourning after the undoubtedly taxing effort of telling Dani’s story, it may also suggest that Jamie is demurring her own acceptance of Dani’s death. Is the hand on her shoulder really Dani’s ghost? Or is it Jamie’s own hopeful fabrication that her wife’s spirit is watching over her? (Or—to counter my own point here and suggest a different alternative—could this latter idea (i.e. the imagining of Dani’s ghost) also be another valid manner of “accepting” a loss by preserving a loved one’s presence? “Dead doesn’t mean gone,” after all. …Anyway, maybe I would be more charitable to this scene if not for the hokey, totally out-of-place song. Coulda done without that, seriously).

But let’s jump back to the moonflower scene. For Dani, this marks an important moment in the progression of her own movement through grief. In combination, her newfound readiness to contend with her guilt and her eagerness to grow closer to Jamie enable Dani to find a sense of peace that she hasn’t experienced since Eddie’s death…or maybe ever, really (hang on to this thought for this essay’s final section, too). When she and Jamie sleep together for the first time, not only does Dani actually sleep well, but she also wakes the next morning to do something that she hasn’t done to that point and won’t do again: she comfortably looks into a mirror. (One small qualification to this: Dani does look into her own reflection at the diner when she and Jamie are on their road trip; Viola doesn’t interfere then, but whether this is actually a comfortable moment is questionable). Then, shifting her gaze away from her own reflection, she sees Jamie still sleeping soundly in her bed—and smiles. It’s a fleeting moment of peace. Immediately after that, she spots Flora out the window, which throws everything back into accumulating turmoil. But that moment of peace, however fleeting, is still a powerful one.

However, Bly teases this narrative about the possibilities of finding healing in the wake of traumatic loss—especially through the cultivation of meaningful and supportive relationships with others—only to then totally pull that rug out from under Dani in the final episode.

During that final episode, we see that Dani’s shared life with Jamie has supported her in coming to terms with Viola’s lurking presence, such that “at long last, deep within the au pair’s heart, there was peace. And that peace held for years, which is more than some of us ever get.” But it’s at the exact moment that that line of narration occurs that we then begin to witness Dani’s steady, inexorable decline. Sure, we could say that Dani “accepts” Viola’s intrusions and the unavoidable eventuality that the ghost will seize control of her. But this isn’t a healthy acceptance or even a depiction of the fraught relationships that we can have with grief and trauma as we continue to process them throughout our lives. At all. Instead, it’s a distinctive, destructive sense of fatalism.

“I’m not even scared of her anymore,” Dani tells Jamie as the flooded bathtub spills around them. “I just stare at her and it's getting harder and harder to see me. Maybe I should just accept that. Maybe I should just accept that and go.” Remember way back at the beginning of this essay when I pointed out that there’s a significant difference between “moving through one’s grief” and allowing one’s grief to become all-consuming? Well, by the time we reach the bathtub scene, Dani’s grief and trauma have completely overtaken her. Her “acceptance” is, thus, a fatalistic, catastrophizing determination that her trauma defines her existence, such that she believes that all she has left to do is give up her life in order to protect Jamie from her. For a less ghostly (and less suicidal ideation-y) and more real-life example to illustrate what I’m getting at here: this would be like me saying “I should just accept that I’m never going to be anything other than a traumatized mess and should stop reaching out to my friends so that I don’t keep hurting them by making them deal with what a mess I am.” If I said something like this, I suspect (hope) that you would tell me that this is not a productive acceptance, but a pernicious narrative that only hurts me and the people who care about me. Sadly, though, this kind of pernicious narrative is exactly what we get out of Bly’s ending allegory.

“But Squall,” you may be thinking, “this scene is representing how people who struggle with their mental health can actually feel. This is exactly what it can be like to have severe mental illness, even for folks who have strong support systems and healthy, meaningful relationships. And there’s value in showing that.”

And if you’re thinking that, then first of all—as I have indicated already—I am aware that this is what it can be like. Very aware. And second of all, you make a fair point, but…there are ways that the show could’ve represented this without concluding that representation with a suicide that it effectively valorizes. I’ll contend with this more in the final section, where I offer a few suggestions of other ways that Bly could’ve ended instead.

I just want to be absolutely clear that I’m not saying that I think all media portrayals of mental illness need to be hopeful or wholesome or end in “positive” ways. But what I am saying is that Bly’s conclusion offers a really fuckin’ bleak outlook on grief, trauma, and mental illness, especially when we fit that ending into the framework of the show’s other (attempted) core themes, as well as Dani’s earlier character development. It’s especially bleak to see this as someone with severe mental health issues and who has also lost a loved one to suicide—and as someone who desperately hopes that my life and worldview won’t always stay so darkly colored by my trauma.

Additionally, it’s also worth pausing here to acknowledge that fatalism is, in fact, a major theme of The Beast in the Jungle, the 1903 Henry James novella on which the ninth episode is loosely based. I confess that I’ve only read about this novella, but haven’t read the story itself. However, based on my (admittedly limited) understanding of it, there appears to be a significant thematic rupture between The Beast in the Jungle and The Haunting of Bly Manor in their treatments of fatalism. In the end of the novella, its protagonist, John Marcher, comes to the realization that his fatalism has been a horrible mistake that has caused him to completely miss out on an opportunity for love that was right in front of him all along. The tragic fate to which Marcher believed that he was doomed was, in the end, his own fatalism. Dani, in contrast, never has this moment of recognition, not only because her fatalism leads to her own death, but also because the show treats her fatalism not as something that keeps her from love, but instead as leading her towards a definitive act of love.

All of this is exactly why Dani’s portrayal has become so damn concerning to me, and why I don’t believe that Bly’s allegory of “this is what it’s like to live with mental illness and/or to love (and lose) someone who is mentally ill” is somehow value-neutral—or, worse, something worth celebrating.

How Dani’s Self-Sacrifice Bears on Bly’s Queer Representation

In my dabblings around the fandom so far, I’ve seen a fair amount of deliberation about whether or not Bly Manor’s ending constitutes an example of the Bury Your Gays trope.

Honestly, though, I am super unenthused about rehashing those deliberations or splitting hairs trying to give some definitive “yes it is” or “no it isn’t” answer, so…I’m just not going to. Instead, I’m going to offer up some further observations about how Dani’s self-sacrificial death impinges on Bly’s queer representation, regardless of whether Bury Your Gays is at work here or not.

I would also like to humbly submit that the show could’ve just…not fucked around in proximity of that trope in the first place so that we wouldn’t even need to be having these conversations.

But anyway. I’m going to start this section off with a disclaimer.

Even though I’m leveling some pretty fierce critiques in this section (and across this essay), I do also want to say that I adore that The Haunting of Bly Manor and its creators gave us a narrative that centers two queer women and their romantic relationship as its driving forces and that intentionally sets out to portray the healing potentials of sapphic love as a contrast to the destructive, coercive harms found in many conventional dynamics of hegemonic heteronormativity. I don’t want to downplay that, because I’m extremely happy that this show exists, and I sincerely believe that many elements of its representation are potent and meaningful and amazing. But…I also have some reservations with this portrayal that I want to share. I critique not because I don’t love, but because I do love. I love this show a lot. I love Dani and Jamie a lot. I critique because I love and because I want more and better in future media.

So, that being said…let’s move on to talk about Dani, self-sacrifice, and compulsory heterosexuality.

Well before Dani’s ennobled death, Bly establishes self-sacrifice as a core component of her characterization. It’s hardwired into her, no doubt due to the relentless, entangled educational work of compulsory heterosexuality (comphet) and the aggressive forms of socialization that tell girls and women that their roles in life are to sacrifice themselves in order to please others and to belong to men. Indeed, Episode 4’s series of flashbacks emphasizes the interconnectedness between comphet and Dani’s beliefs that she is supposed to sacrifice herself for others’ sakes, revealing how these forces have shaped who she is and the decisions that she’s made across her life. (While we’re at it, let’s also not lose sight of the fact that Dani’s profession during this time period is one that—in American culture, at least—has come to rely on a distinctively feminized self-sacrificiality in order to function. Prior to becoming an au pair, Dani was a schoolteacher. In fact, in one of Episode 4’s flashbacks, Eddie’s mother points out that she appreciates Dani’s knack for identifying the kids that need her the most, but also reminds Dani that she needs to take care of herself…which suggests that Dani hadn’t been: “Save them all if you can, but put your own oxygen mask on first”).

In the flashback of her engagement party, Dani’s visible discomfort during Edmund’s speech clues us in that she wasn’t preparing to marry him because she genuinely wanted to, but because she felt like she was supposed to. The “childhood sweethearts” narrative bears down on the couple, celebrated by their friends and family, vaunted by cultural constructs that prize this life trajectory as a cherished, “happily ever after” ideal. Further illustrating the pressures to which Dani had been subject, the same scene shows Eddie’s mother, Judy O’Mara, presenting Dani with her own wedding dress and asking Dani to wear it when she marries Eddie. Despite Mrs. O’Mara’s assurances that Dani can say no, the hopes that she heaps onto Dani make abundantly clear that anything other than a yes would disappoint her. Later, another flashback shows Dani having that dress sized and fitted while her mother and Mrs. O’Mara look on and chatter about their own weddings and marriages. Their conversation is imbued with further hopes that Dani’s marriage to Edmund will improve on the mistakes that they made in their lives. Meanwhile, Dani’s attentiveness to the tailor who takes her measurements, compliments her body, and places a hand on her back strongly suggests that Dani is suppressing her attraction to women. Though brief, this scene is a weighty demonstration of the ways that the enclosures of heteronormativity constrain women into believing that their only option is to deny homosexual attraction, to forfeit their own desires in order to remain in relationships with men, and to prioritize the hopes and dreams and aspirations of the people around them above their own.

Dani followed this pathway—determined for her by everyone else except herself—until she couldn’t anymore.

During the flashback of their breakup, Dani explains to Eddie that she didn’t end their relationship sooner because she thought that even just having desires that didn’t match his and his family’s was selfish of her: “I should’ve said something sooner. […] I didn’t want to hurt you, or your mom, or your family. And then it was just what we were doing. […] I just thought I was being selfish, that I could just stick it out, and eventually I would feel how I was supposed to.” As happens to so many women, Dani was on the cusp of sacrificing her life for the sake of “sticking out” a marriage to a man, all because she so deeply believed that it was her duty to satisfy everyone’s expectations of her and that it was her responsibility to change her own feelings about that plight.

And Eddie’s response to this is telling. “Fuck you, Danielle,” he says. “Why are you doing this to me?”

Pay close attention to those last two words. Underline ‘em. Bold ‘em. Italicize ‘em.

“Why are you doing this to me?”

With those two words, Eddie indicates that he views Dani’s refusal to marry him as something that she is doing to him, a harm that she is committing against him. It is as though Dani is inflicting her will on him, or even that she is unjustly attackinghim by finally admitting that her desires run contrary to his own, that she doesn’t want to be his wife. And with this statement, he confirms precisely what she anticipated would happen upon giving voice to her true feelings.

What space did Edmund, his family, or Dani’s mother ever grant for Dani to have aspirations of her own that weren’t towards the preordained role of Eddie’s future wife? Let’s jump back to that engagement party. Eddie’s entire speech reveals a very longstanding assumption of his claim over her as his wife-to-be. He’d first asked Dani to marry him when they were ten years old, after he mistakenly believed that their first kiss could get Dani pregnant; Dani turned him down then, saying that they were too young. So, over the years, as they got older, Eddie continued to repeatedly ask her—until, presumably, she relented. “Now, we’re still pretty young,” he remarks as he concludes his speech, “but I think we’re old enough to know what we want.” Significantly, Eddie speaks here not just for himself, but also for Dani. Dani’s voice throughout the entire party is notably absent, as Eddie and his mother both impose their own wishes on her, assume that she wants what they want, and don’t really open any possibility for her to say otherwise. Moreover, although there’s a palpable awkwardness that accompanies Eddie’s story, the crowd at the party chuckles along as though it’s a sweet, innocent tale of lifelong love and devotion, and not an instance of a man whittling away at a woman’s resistance until she finally caved to his pursuit of her.

All of this suggests that Eddie shared in the socialized convictions of heteropatriarchy, according to which Dani’s purpose and destiny were to marry him and to make him happy. His patterns of behavior evince the unquestioned presumptions of so many men: that women exist in service to them and their wants, such that it is utterly inconceivable that women could possibly desire otherwise. As a political institution, heteropatriarchy tells men that they are entitled to women’s existences, bodies, futures. And, indeed, Eddie can’t seem to even imagine that Dani could ever want anything other than the future that he has mapped out for them. (Oh, hey look, we’ve got some love vs. possession going on here again).

For what it’s worth, I think that the show’s portrayal of compulsory heterosexuality is excellent. I love that the writers decided to tackle this. Like I mentioned at the beginning, I found all of this to be extremelyrelatable. I might even be accused of over-relating and projecting my own experiences onto my readings here, but…there were just too many resonances between Dani’s experiences and my own. Mrs. O’Mara’s advice to Dani to “put your own oxygen mask on first” is all too reminiscent of the ways that my ex’s parents would encourage me to “heal” from my brother’s loss…but not for the sake of my own wellbeing, but so that I would return to prioritizing the care of their son and existing to do whatever would make him happy. I’ll also share here that what drove me to break up with my ex-fiancé wasn’t just his unwillingness to contend with my grief, but the fact that he had decided that the best way for me to heal from my loss would be to have a baby. He insisted that I could counteract my brother’s death by “bringing new life into the world.” And he would not take no for an answer. He told me that if I wouldn’t agree to try to have children in the near future, then he wasn’t interested in continuing to stay with me. It took me months to pluck up the courage, but I finally answered this ultimatum by ending our relationship myself. Thus, like Dani, I came very close to sacrificing myself, my wants, my body, my future, and my life for the sake of doing what my fiancé and his family wanted me to do, all while painfully denying my own attraction to women. What kept me from “sticking it out” any longer was that I finally decided that I wasn’t going to sacrifice myself for a man I didn’t love (and who clearly didn’t love me) and decided, instead, to reclaim my own wants and needs away from him.

For Dani, however, the moment that she finally begins to reclaim her wants and needs away from Eddie is also the moment that he furiously jumps out of the driver’s seat and into the path of a passing truck, which leaves her to entangle those events as though his death is her fault for finally asserting herself.

Of course, the guilt that Dani feels for having “caused” Eddie’s death isn’t justa matter of breaking up with him and thereby provoking a reaction that would prove fatal—it’s also the guilt of her suppressed homosexual desire, of not desiring Eddie in the first place. In other words, internalized homophobia is an inextricable layer of the culpability that Dani feels. Internalized homophobia is also what’s haunting her. As others (such as Rowan Ellis, whose deep dive includes a solid discussion of internalized homophobia in Bly, as well as a more at-length examination of Bury Your Gays than I’m providing here) have pointed out, the show highlights this metaphorically by having Dani literally get locked into a closet with Edmund’s ghost in the very first episode. Further reinforcing this idea is the fact that these spectral visions get even worse as Dani starts to come to terms with and act on her attraction to Jamie, as though the ghost is punishing her for her desires. Across Episode 3, as Dani and Jamie begin spending more time together, Edmund’s ghost concurrently begins materializing in more shocking, visceral forms (e.g. his bleeding hand in Dani’s bed; his shadowy figure lurking behind Dani after she’s held Jamie’s hand) that exceed the reflective surfaces to which he’d previously been confined. This continues into Episode 4, where each of Eddie’s appearances follows moments of Dani’s growing closeness to Jamie. A particularly alarming instance occurs when Dani just can’t seem to pry her gaze away from a dressed-up Jamie who’s in the process of some mild undressing. Finally turning away from Jamie, Dani becomes aware of Eddie’s hands on her hips. It’s a violating reminder of his claims over her, horrifying in its invocation of men’s efforts to coerce and control women’s sexuality.

It is incredibly powerful, then, to watch Dani answer all of this by becoming more resolute and assertive in the expression of her wants and needs. The establishment of her romantic relationship with Jamie isn’t just the movement through grief and guilt that we discussed earlier; it’s also Dani’s defiance of compulsory heterosexuality and her fierce claiming of her queer existence. Even in the face of all that’s been haunting her, Dani initiates her first kiss with Jamie; and Eddie’s intrusion in that moment is only enough to temporarily dissuade her, as Dani follows this up by then asking Jamie out for a drink at the pub to “see where that takes them” (i.e. up to Jamie’s flat to bang, obviously). The peace that Dani finds after having sex with Jamie for the first time is, therefore, also the profound fulfillment of at last having her first sexual experience with a woman, of finally giving expression to this critical part of herself that she’d spent her entire life denying. Compulsory heterosexuality had dictated to Dani that she must self-sacrifice to meet the strictures of heteropatriarchy, to please everyone except herself; but in her relationship with Jamie, Dani learns that she doesn’t have to do this at all. This is only bolstered by the fact that, as we’ve talked about at length already, Jamie is very attentive to Dani’s needs and respectful of her boundaries. Jamie doesn’t want Dani to do anything other than what Dani wants to do. And so, in the cultivation of their romantic partnership, Dani thus comes to value her own wants and needs in a way that she hasn’t before.

The fact that the show nails all of this so fucking well is what makes all that comes later so goddamn frustrating.

The final episode chronicles Dani and Jamie forging a queer life together that the rest of us can only dream of, including another scene of Dani flouting homophobia and negotiating her own internal struggles so that she can be with Jamie. “I know we can’t technically get married,” she tells Jamie when she proposes to her, “but I also don’t really care.” And with her awareness that the beast in the jungle is starting to catch up with her, Dani tells Jamie that she wants to spend whatever time she has left with her.

But then…

A few scenes later—along with a jump of a few years later, presumably—Jamie arrives home with the licenses that legally certify their civil union in the state of Vermont. It’s a monumental moment. In 2000, Vermont became the first state to introduce civil unions, which paved the way for it to later (in 2009) become the first state to pass legislation that recognized gay marriages without needing to have a court order mandating that the state extend marriage rights beyond opposite-sex couples. I appreciate that Bly’s creatorsincorporated this significant milestone in the history of American queer rights into the show. But its positioning in the show also fuckin’ sucks. Just as Jamie is announcing the legality of her and Dani’s civil union and declaring that they’ll have another marriage ceremony soon, we see water running into the hallway. This moves us into that scene with the flooded bathtub, as Jamie finds Dani staring into the water, unaware of anything else except the reflection of Viola staring back at her. Thus, it is at the exact moment when her wife proudly shares the news of this incredible achievement in the struggle for queer rights—for which queer folks have long fought and are continuing to fight to protect in the present—that Dani has completely, hopelessly resigned herself to Viola’s possession.

I want to be careful to clarify here that, in making this observation, I don’t mean to posit some sort of “Dani should have fought back against Viola” argument, which—within the context of our allegorical readings—might have the effect of damagingly suggesting that Dani should have fought harder to recover from mental illness or terminal disease. But I do mean to point out the incredibly grim implications that the juxtaposition of these events engenders, especially when we contemplate them (as we did in the previous section) within the overall frameworks of the show’s themes and Dani’s character development. After all that has come before, after we’ve watched Dani come to so boldly assert her queer desire and existence, it is devastating to see the show reduce her to such a despairing state that doesn’t even give her a chance to register that she and Jamie are now legal partners.

Why did you have to do this, Bly? Why?

Further compounding this despair, the next scene features the resumption of Dani’s self-sacrificial beliefs and behaviors, which results in her demise, and which leaves Jamie to suffer through the devastation of her wife’s death. This resumption of self-sacrifice hence demolishes all of that beautiful work of asserting Dani’s queer existence and learning that she doesn’t need to sacrifice herself that I just devoted two thousand words to describing above.

Additionally, in the end, Dani’s noble self-sacrifice also effects a safe recuperation of heteronormativity…which might add more evidence to a Bury Your Gays claim, oops.

And that is because, in the end, after we see Jamie screaming into the water and Dani forever interred at the bottom of the lake in which she drowned herself, we come to the end of Jamie’s story and return to Bly Manor’s frame narrative: Flora’s wedding.

At the start of the show, the evening of Flora and Unnamed Man’s (Wikipedia says his name is James? idk, w/e) rehearsal dinner provides the occasion and impetus for Jamie’s storytelling. Following dinner, Flora, her fiancé, and their guests gather around a fireplace and discuss a ghost story about the venue, a former convent. With a captive audience that includes her primary targets—Flora and Miles, who have forgotten what happened at Bly and, by extension, all that Dani sacrificed and that Jamie lost so that they could live their lives free of the trauma of what transpired—and with a topically relevant conversation already ongoing, Jamie interjects that she has a ghost story of her own to share…and thus, the show’s longer, secondary narrative begins.

When Jamie’s tale winds to a close at the end of the ninth episode, the show returns us to its frame, that scene in front of the cozy, crackling fire. And it is there that we learn that it is, in fact, Jamie who has been telling us this story all along.

As the other guests trickle away, Flora stays behind to talk to Jamie on her own. A critical conversation then ensues between them, which functions not only as Jamie’s shared wisdom to Flora, but also as the show’s attempt to lead viewers through what they’ve just experienced and thereby impart its core message about the secondary narrative. The frame narrative is, thus, also a direct address to the audience that tells us what we should take away from the experience. By this point, the show has thoroughly established that Jamie is a gentle-but-tough-love, knowledgeable, and trustworthy guide through the trials of accepting grief and mortality, and so it is Jamie who leaves Flora and us, the audience, with the show’s final word about how to treasure the people we love while they are still in our lives and how to grieve them if we survive beyond them. (But, by this point in this essay, we’ve also learned that Bly’s messages about grief and mortality are beautiful but also messy and unconvincing, even with this didactic ending moment).

With all of this in mind, we can (and should) ask some additional questions of the frame narrative.

One of those questions is: Why is the secondary narrative being told from/within this particular frame?

Answering this question within the show’s diegesis (by asking it of the narrator) is easy enough. Jamie is performing a memorialization of Dani’s life and sacrifice at an event where her intended audience happens to be gathered, ensuring that Miles and Flora begin to recognize what Dani did for them in a manner that maybe won’t just outright traumatize them.

Okay, sure, yeah. True. Not wrong.

But let’s interrogate this question more deeply—let’s ask it of the show itself. So, Bly Manor: Why is the secondary narrative being told from/within this particular frame?

We could also tweak this question a bit to further consider: What is the purpose of the frame? A frame narrative can function to shape audiences’ interpretations of and attitudes towards the secondary narrative. So, in this case, let’s make our line of questioning even more specific. What does the frame of Flora’s wedding do for Bly’s audiences?

Crucially, the framing scene at the fireplace provides us with a sense that we’ve returned to safety after the horror of the ghost story we’ve just experienced. To further assure us of this safety, then, Bly’s frame aims to restore a sense of normality, a sense that the threat that has provoked fear in us has been neutralized, a sense of hope that endures beyond tragedy. Indeed, as we fade from the secondary narrative and return to the frame, Jamie’s narration emphasizes how Dani’s selfless death has brought peace to Bly Manor by breaking its cycles of violence and trauma: “But she won’t be hollow or empty, and she won’t pull others to her fate. She will merely walk the grounds of Bly, harmless as a dove for all of her days, leaving the only trace of who she once was in the memory of the woman who loved her most.”

What Dani has accomplished with her self-sacrifice, then, is a longstanding, prevailing, expected staple of Western—and especially American—storytelling: redemption.

American media is rife with examples of this narrative formula (in which an individual must take selfless action—which may or may not involve self-sacrificial death—in order to redeem an imperiled community by restoring a threatened order) to an extent that is kind of impossible to overstate. Variations of this formula are everywhere, from film to television to comics to videogames to news reports. It is absolutely fundamental to our cultural understandings of what “heroism” means. And it’s been this way for, umm…a long time, largely thanks to that most foundational figure of Western myth, some guy who was crucified for everybody’s sins or something. (Well, that and the related popularization of Joseph Campbell’s hero’s journey, but…I’m not gonna go off onto a whole rant about that right now, this essay is already too long as it is).

In Bly Manor, the threatened order is the natural process of death itself, which Viola has disrupted with a gravity well that traps souls and keeps them suspended within physical proximity of the manor. Dani’s invitation to Viola is the initial step towards salvation (although, I think it’s important to note that this is not entirely intentional on Dani’s part. Jamie’s narration indicates that Dani didn’t entirely understand what she was doing with the “It’s you, it’s me, it’s us” invitation, so self-sacrifice was not necessarily her initial goal). It nullifies the gravity well and resumes the passage of death, which liberates all of the souls that have been trapped at Bly and also produces additional opportunities for others’ atonements (e.g. Peter’s apology to Miles; Henry’s guardianship of the children). But it’s Dani’s suicide that is the ultimate completion of the redemptive task. It is only by “giving herself to the lake” that Dani is able to definitively dispel Viola’s threat and confer redemptive peace to Bly Manor.

It’s tempting to celebrate this incredibly rare instance of a queer woman in the heroic-redemptive role, given that American media overwhelmingly reserve it for straight men. But I want to strongly advise that we resist this temptation. Frankly, there’s a lot about the conventional heroic-redemptive narrative formula that sucks, and I’d rather that we work to advocate for other kinds of narratives, instead of just championing more “diversity” within this stuffy old model of heroism. Explaining what sucks about this formula is beyond the purview of this essay, though. But my next point might help to illustrate part of why it sucks (spoiler: it’s because it tends to prop up traditional, dominant structures of power and relationality).

So…What I want us to do is entertain the possibility that Dani’s redemptive self-sacrifice might serve specific purposes for straight audiences, especially in the return to the frame at the end.

Across The Haunting of Bly Manor, we’ve seen ample examples of heterosexuality gone awry. The show has repeatedly called our attention to the flaws and failings of heterosexual relationships against the carefully cultivated safety, open communication, and mutual fulfillment of a queer romance between two women. But, while queer audiences may celebrate this about this show, for straight audiences, this whole situation might just wind up producing anxiety instead—as though heterosexuality is also a threatened order within the world of Bly Manor. More generally, asking straight audiences to connect with a queer couple as the show’s main protagonists is an unaccustomed challenge with which they’re not normally tasked; thus, the show risks leaving this dominant viewer base uncomfortable, threatened, and resentful, sitting with the looming question of whether heterosexuality is, itself, redeemable.

In answer to this, Dani’s self-sacrifice provides multiple assurances to straight audiences. To begin with, her assumption of the traditional heroic-redemptive role secures audiences within the familiar confines of that narrative formula, which also then promises that Dani is acting as a protector of threatened status quos and not as another source of peril. What Bly Manor is doing here is, in effect, acknowledging that it may have challenged (and even threatened) straight audiences with its centerpiece of a queer romance—and that, likewise, queers themselves may be challenging the status quos of romantic partnerships by, for instance, demanding marriage rights and improvements in media representations—while also emphatically reassuring those audiences in the wake of that challenge that Dani and Jamie haven’t created and aren’t going to create too much disturbance with their queerness. They’re really not that threatening, Bly swears. They’re harmless as a dove. They’re wholesome. They’re respectable. They—and queer folks more generally—aren’t going to totally upend everything, really. Look, they’ll even sacrifice themselves to save everyone and redeem imperiled communities and threatened orders—even heterosexuality itself!

A critical step towards achieving this assurance is the leveling of the playing field. In order for the show to neutralize the threat of queerness for straight audiences, comfort them with a return to safety, and promise them that heterosexuality is redeemable, the queer women need to have an on-screen tragic end to their relationship just like all of the straight couples have. And so, Dani must die and Jamie must grieve.

That accomplished, the show then immediately returns to the frame, the scene at the fireplace following Flora’s rehearsal dinner.

There—after we’ve witnessed so much queer joy and queer tragedy crammed into this final episode—we see Flora and her fiancé, bride and groom, sitting together, arms linked, taking in all that Jamie has to tell them. And with this warm, idyllic image of impending matrimony between man and wife, the safety to which straight audiences return in the frame is, therefore, also the safety of a heterosexuality that can find its redemption through Dani’s self-sacrifice. Not only does Dani’s death mean that Flora can live (and go on to marry her perfectly bland, unremarkable husband, all without the trauma of what happened at Bly), but it also means that she—and, with her, straight audiences—can ultimately benefit from the lessons about true love, loss, and grieving that Dani’s self-sacrifice and Jamie’s story bestow.

And so, Bly Manor concludes with a valorization of redemptive self-sacrifice and an anodyne recuperation of heteronormativity, bequeathing Flora with the opportunities to have and to hold the experiential knowledge that Dani and Jamie have provided for her. Here, queer tragedy serves up an educational opportunity for heterosexual audiences in a challengingly “inclusive,” but otherwise essentially non-threatening manner. The ending is a gentle, non-traumatizing, yet frank lesson to heterosexual audiences in the same way that Jamie’s story is a gentle, non-traumatizing, yet frank lesson to Flora.

Did the show’s creators intentionally do all of this to set about providing such assurances to straight audiences? Maybe. Maybe not. I don’t really know—or care! But, especially in light of incidents like the recent “Suletta and Miorine’s relationship is up to interpretation” controversy following the Gundam: Witch from Mercury finale, I absolutely do not put it past media corporations and content creators to very intentionally take steps to prioritize the comfort of straight audiences against the threats of queer love. And anyway, intentional or not, all of this still has effects and implications loaded with meaning, as I have tried to account for here.

Honestly, though, I can’t quite shake the feeling that there’s some tension between Jamie, Owen, and maybe also Henry about Jamie’s decision to publicly share Dani’s story in front of Flora and Miles. Owen’s abrupt declaration that it’s getting late and that they should wrap up seems like an intervention—like he’s been as patient and understanding as he possibly could up to that point, but now, he’s finally having to put a stop to Jamie’s deviance. I can’t help but read the meaningful stares that pass between them at both ends of the frame as a complex mixture of compassion and fraught disagreement (and I wish that the show had done more with this). The scene where Dani and Jamie visit Owen at his restaurant seems to set up the potential for this unspoken dispute. By their expressions and mannerisms (Dani’s stony stare; the protective way that Jamie holds her as her own gaze is locked on Dani), it’s clear that Dani and Jamie are aghast that Flora and Miles have forgotten what happened and that Owen believes that they should just be able to live their lives without that knowledge. And it’s also clear, by her very telling of Dani’s story, that Jamie disagrees with him. Maybe I’m over-imposing my own attitudes here, but I’m left with the impression that Jamie resents the coddling of Miles and Flora just like I’m resenting the coddling of straight audiences…that Jamie resents that she and Dani have had to give up everything so that Miles and Flora can continue living their privileged lives just like I’m resenting the exploitation of queer tragedy for the sake preserving straight innocence. (As Jamie says to Hannah when Dani puts the children to work in the garden: “You can’t give them a pass forever.” Disclaimer: I’m not saying that I want Miles and Flora to be traumatized, but I am saying that I agree with Jamie, because hiding traumatic shit is not how to resolve inter-generational trauma. Anyway—).

Also, I don’t know about y’all, but I find Flora and Jamie’s concluding conversation to be super cringe. Maybe it’s because I’m gay and just have way too much firsthand experience with this sort of thing from my own comphet past, but Flora’s whole “I just keep thinking about that silly, gorgeous, insane man I’m marrying tomorrow. I love him. More than I ever thought I could love anybody. And the crazy thing is, he loves me the same exact amount,” spiel just absolutely screams “woman who is having to do all of the emotional work in her relationship with an absolutely dull, mediocre, emotionally illiterate man and is desperately trying to convince herself that he does, in fact, love her as much as she (believes) that she loves him.”

I feel like this is a parody of straightness?? Is this actually sincere??

This is what Dani gave up her life to redeem??

To me, this is just more bleak shit that Bly leaves us with. It is so painful to watch.

Bless.

Okay, so I know that I said that I wasn’t going to offer a definitive yes or no about whether Bly commits Bury Your Gays with Dani’s death, but…after writing all of this out, I’m honestly kinda leaning towards a yes.

But I’m already anticipating that folks are gonna push back against me on this. So I just want to humbly submit, again, that Bly could have just not done this. It could have just not portrayed Dani’s death at all.

To really drive this point home, then, I’m going to conclude this essay by suggesting just a few ways that The Haunting of Bly Manor could have ended without Dani’s self-sacrificial death—or without depicting her death on-screen at all.

Bly Manor Could Have Ended Differently

Mike Flanagan—creator, director, writer, editor, executive producer, showrunner, etc. of The Haunting of Bly Manor—has stated that he believes that the show’s ending is a happy one.

I, on the other hand, believe that Bly’s ending is…not. In my view, the way that the ending treats Dani is unnecessarily cruel and exploitative. “Happy ending”—really? If I let myself be cynical about it (which I do), I honestly think that Dani’s death is a pretty damn transparent effort to squeeze out some tears with a sloppy, mawkish, feel-good veneer slapped over it. And if we peel back that veneer and look under it, what we find is quite bleak.

To be fair, for a psychological horror show that’s so centrally about grief and trauma, Bly Manor does seem to profess an incredibly strong sense of hopefulness. Underlying the entirety of the show is a profound faith in all the good and beauty that can come from human connection, however fleeting our lives may be—and even if we make a ton of dumb, awful mistakes along the way. If I’m being less cynical about it, I do also think that the show’s ending strives to demonstrate a peak expression of this conviction. But—at least in my opinion—it doesn’t succeed in this goal. In my writing of this essay, I’ve come to believe that the show instead ends in a state of despair that is at odds with what it appears to want to achieve.

So, in this final section, I’m going to offer up a few possibilities for ways that the show could have ended that maybe wouldn’t have so thoroughly undermined its own attempted messages.

Now, if I were actually going to fix the ending of The Haunting of Bly Manor, I would honestly overhaul a ton of the show to arrive at something completely different. But I’m not going to go through all the trouble of rewriting the entire show here, lol. Instead, I’m going to work with most of what’s already there, leading out from Viola’s possession of Dani (even though I don’t actually like that part of the show either – maybe someday I’ll write about other implications of Viola’s possession of Dani beyond these allegorical readings, but not right now). I’m also going to try to adhere to some of the show’s core themes and build on some of the allegorical possibilities that are already in place. Granted, the ideas that I pose here wouldn’t fix everything, by any stretch of the imagination; but they would, at least (I hope), mitigate some of the issues that I’ve outlined over the course of this essay. And one way or another, I hope that they’ll help to demonstrate that Dani’s self-sacrificial death was completely unnecessary. (Seriously, just not including Dani’s death would’ve enabled the show to completely dodge the question of Bury Your Gays and would’ve otherwise gone a long way towards avoiding the problems with the show’s queer representation).

So, here's how this is going to work. First, I’m going to pose a few general, guiding questions before then proposing an overarching thematic modification that expands on an idea that’s already prominent across the show. This will then serve as the groundwork for two alternative scenarios. I’m not going to go super into detail with either of these alternatives; mostly, I just want to demonstrate that the show that could’ve easily replaced the situation leading to Dani drowning herself. (For the record, I also think that the show could’ve benefitted from having at least one additional episode—and from some timing and pacing restructuring otherwise. So, before anybody tries an excuse like “but this wouldn’t fit into the last episode,” I want to urge that we imagine these possibilities beyond that limitation).

Let’s start off by returning to a point that I raised in the earlier conversation about grief and acceptance: the trickiness of Viola’s “acceptance.”

What Viola “accepts” in the end aren’t her losses or her own mortality, but Dani’s desperate, last-ditch-effort invitation to inhabit her. Within the show’s extant ending, Viola never actually comes to any kind of acceptance otherwise. Dani’s suicide effectively forces her dissolution, eradicating her persistent presence through the redemptive power of self-sacrifice. But in all of my viewings of the show and in all of my efforts to think through and write about it, there’s a question that’s been bugging me to no end: Why does Viola accept Dani’s invitation in the first place?

We know that Peter figured out the “it’s you, it’s me, it’s us” trick in his desperation to return to some form of life and to leave the grounds of Bly Manor. But…what is the appeal of it for Viola? How do her own motivations factor into it? For so long, Viola’s soul has been tenaciously persisting at Bly all so that she can repeatedly return to the physical locus of her connection with her husband and daughter, their shared bedroom in the manor. She’s done this for so long that she no longer even remembers why she’s doing it—she just goes back there to grab whatever child she can find and strangles whoever happens to get in her way. So what would compel her to accept Dani’s invitation? What does she get out of it—and what does she want out of it? What does her acceptance mean? And why, then, does her acceptance result in the dissipation of the gravity well?

We can conjecture, certainly. But the show doesn’t actually provide answers to these questions. Indeed, one of the other major criticisms that I have of Bly is that it confines all of Viola’s development to the eighth episode alone. I really think that it needed to have done way more to characterize her threat and at least gestureat her history sooner, rather than leaving it all to that penultimate episode, interrupting and drawing out the exact moment when she’s about to kill Dani. (Like, after centuries of Viola indiscriminately killing people, and with so many ghosts that’ve been loitering around for so long because of that, wouldn’t Bly Manor have rampant ghost stories floating around about it by the time Dani arrives? But there’s only one minor suggestion of that possibility: Henry indicating that he might’ve met a soldier ghost once. That’s it. And on that note, all of the ghosts at the manor needed to have had more screentime and development, really). Further, it’s disappointing that the show devotes that entire eighth episode to accounting for Viola’s motivations, only to then reduce her to Big, Bad, Unspeakable Evil in the final episode, with no rhyme or reason for what she’s doing, all so that she can necessitate Dani’s death.

As we continue pondering these unanswered questions, there’s also another issue that I want to raise, which the show abandons only as an oblique, obscure consideration. And that is: How the hell did Jamie acquire all that extensive knowledge about Viola, the ghosts of the manor, and all that happened, such that she is able to tell Bly’sstory in such rich detail? My own sort of headcanon answer to this is that Viola’s possession of Dani somehow enabled Viola to regain some of her own memories—as well as, perhaps, a more extended, yet also limited awareness of the enduring consciousnesses of the other ghosts—while also, in turn, giving Dani access to them, too. Dani then could have divulged what she learned to Jamie, which would account for how Jamie knows so much. I bring this up because it provides one possible response to the question of “What does Viola get out of her possession of Dani?” (especially given the significant weight that the show places on the retention of one’s memories—more on this in a moment) and because this is an important basis for both of my proposed alternative scenarios.

Before we dig into those alternative scenarios, however, there’s also a thematic modification that I want to suggest, which would help to provide another answer to “What does Viola get out of her possession of Dani?” while also alleviating the issues that lead into the valorization of Dani’s suicide. That thematic modification involves how the show defines love. Although Bly’s sustained contrasts between love and possession have some valuable elements, I think that the ending would’ve benefitted from downplaying the love vs. possession theme (which is where we run into so much trouble with Dani’s self-sacrifice, and which has also resulted in some celebratory conflations between “selflessness” and self-sacrifice that I’ve seen crop up in commentary about the show—but, y’all, self-sacrifice is not something to celebrate in romantic partnerships, so please, please be careful idolizing that) to instead play up a different theme: the idea that love is the experience of feeling such safety and security with another person that we can find opportunities for peace by being with them.

Seeking peace—and people with whom to feel safe enough to share traumas and experience peace—is a theme that already runs rampant across the show, so this modification is really just a matter of accentuating it differently. It’s also closely linked to the moving through grief theme that we’ve already discussed at length, as numerous characters in Bly express desires for solitude with loved ones as a way of finding relief and healing from their pain, grief, and trauma. (And I suspect that I latched onto this because I have desperately wanted peace, calm, and stillness in the midst of my own acute, compounding traumas…and because my own former romantic partner was obviously not someone with whom I felt safe enough to experience the kind of peace that would’ve allowed me to begin the process of healing).

We run into this idea early in the development of Jamie and Dani’s romance, as narrator Jamie explains in the scene leading up to their first kiss, “The au pair was tired. She’d been tired for so long. Yet without even realizing she was doing it, she found herself taking her own advice that she’d given to Miles. She’d chosen someone to keep close to her that she could feel tired around.” Following this moment, at the beginning of Episode 5, narrator Jamie then foregrounds Hannah’s search for peace (“The housekeeper knew, more than most, that deep experience was never peaceful. And because she knew this ever since she’d first called Bly home, she would always find her way back to peace within her daily routine, and it had always worked”), which calls our attention to the ways that Hannah has been retreating into her memory of her first meeting with Owen as a crucial site of peace against the shock of her own death. Grown-up Flora even gushes about “that easy silence you only get with your forever person who loves you as much as you love them” when she’s getting all teary at Jamie about her husband-to-be.

Of course, this theme is already actively at work in the show’s conclusion as well. During her “beast in the jungle” monologue, Dani tells Jamie that she feels Viola “in here. It’s so quiet…it’s so quiet. She’s in here. And this part of her that’s in here, it isn’t…peaceful.” As such, Viola’s whole entire issue is that, after all those centuries, she has not only refused to accept her own death, but she’s likewise never been at peace—she’s still not at peace. Against Viola’s unpeaceful presence, however, Dani does find peace in her life with Jamie…at least temporarily, until Viola’s continued refusal of peace leads to Dani’s self-destructive sense of fatalism. Still, in her replacement of Viola as the new Lady of the Lake, Dani exists as a prevailing force of peace (she’s “harmless as a dove”); however, incidentally, she only accomplishes this through the decidedly non-peaceful, violent act of taking her own life.

But…what if that hadn’t been the case?

What if, instead, the peace that Dani finds in her beautiful, queer, non-self-sacrificing existence with Jamie had also enabled Viola to find some sense of peace of her own? What if, through her inhabitation of Dani, Viola managed to, like…calm the fuck down some? What if Dani’s safety and solitude worked to at least somewhat assuage Viola’s rage—and even guide her towards some other form of acceptance?

Depending on how this developed, the show could’ve borne out the potential for a much more subversive conclusion than what we actually got. Rather than All-Consuming-Evil Viola’s forced dissolution through the violence of Dani’s redemptive self-sacrifice (and its attendant recuperation of heteronormativity), we could’ve instead had the makings of a narrative about sapphic love as a source of healing that’s capable of breaking cycles of violence and trauma. And I think that it would’ve been possible for the show to accomplish this without a purely “happy” ending in which everything was just magically fine, and all the trauma dissipated, and there were no problems in the world ever again. The show could have, in fact, managed this while preserving the allegorical possibilities of Viola’s presence as mental and/or terminal illness.

But, before I can start describing how this could’ve happened, there’s one last little outstanding problem that I need to address. In the video essay that I cited earlier, Rowan Ellis suggests that there are limitations to the “Viola as a stand-in for mental/terminal illness” reading of the show because of the fact that Dani invites Viola into herself and, therefore, willingly brings on her own suffering. But I don’t think that this is quite the case or that it interferes with these allegorical readings. As I’ve already mentioned at various points, Dani doesn’t entirely understand the implications of what she’s doing when she issues her invitation to Viola; and even so, the invitation is still a matter of a dubious consent that evidently cannot be withdrawn once initially granted—at the absolute most generous characterization. Dani’s invitation is a snap decision, a frantic attempt to save Flora after everyone and everything else has failed. Consequently, we don’t necessarily have to construe Viola’s presence in Dani’s life as a matter of Dani “willingly inviting her own suffering,” but can instead understand it as the wounds and traumas that persist after Dani has risked her life to rescue Flora. In this way, the show could have also challenged the traditional heroic-redemptive narrative formula by offering a more explicit commentary on the all-too-often unseen ramifications of selflessly “heroic” actions (instead of just heedlessly perpetuating their glorification and, with them, self-sacrifice). Dani may have saved Flora—but at what cost to herself? What long-term toll might this lasting trauma exact on her?

And with that, we move into my two alternative ending scenarios.

Alternative Ending 1: Progressive Memory Loss

Memory and its loss are such significant themes in Bly Manor that theycould use an essay all their own.

I am, however, going to refrain from writing such an essay at this moment in time (I’m already super tired from writing this one, lol).

Still, the first of my alternative scenarios would bring these major themes full-circle—and would make Jamie eat her words.

In this alternative scenario, Viola would find some sense of peace—even if fraught and, at times, tumultuous—in her possession of Dani. As her rage subsides, she is even able to regain fragmented pieces of her own memory, which Dani is also able to experience. The restoration of Viola’s memory, albeit vague and scattered, leads Dani to try to learn even more about Viola’s history at Bly in an effort to at least partially fill in the gaps. As time goes on, though, Viola’s co-habitation within Dani’s consciousness leads to the steady degradation of Dani’s own memory. The reclamation of Viola’s memories would occur, then, concomitant with a steady erosion of both herself and Dani. Thus, Dani would still undergo an inexorable decline across the show’s ending, but one more explicitly akin to degenerative neurological diseases associated with aging, accentuating the “Viola as terminal illness” allegory while also still carrying resonances of the residual reverberations of trauma (given that memory loss is often a common consequence of acute trauma). Jamie would take on the role of Dani’s caregiver, mirroring and more directly illuminating the role that Owen plays for his mother earlier in the show. By the show’s conclusion, Dani would still be alive, including during the course of the frame narrative.

I mentioned earlier in this essay that I’ve endured even more trauma and grief since my brother’s death and since my breakup with my ex-fiancé. So, I’ll share another piece of it with you now: shortly after my breakup, my dad was diagnosed with one of those degenerative neurological diseases that I listed way back at the very beginning. I moved home not only to get away from my ex, but also to become a caregiver. In the time that I’ve been home, I’ve had no choice but to behold my dad’s continuous, irreversible decline and his indescribable suffering. He has further health issues, including a form of cancer. As a result, he now harbors a sense of fatalism that he’ll never be able to reconcile—he does not have the cognitive capacities to address his despair or turn it into some other form of acceptance. He is merely, in essence, awaiting his death. Hence, fatalism is something that I have had to “accept” as a regular component of my own life. (In light of this situation, you may be wondering if I have thoughts and opinions on medical aid in dying, given all that I have had to say so far about fatalism and suicide. And the answer is yes, I do have thoughts and opinions…but they are complex, and I don’t really want to try to account for them here).

Indeed, I live in a suspended, indefinite state of grieving. Day in and day out, I watch my father perish before my eyes, anticipating the blow of fresh grief that will strike when he dies. I watch my mother’s grief. I watch my father’s grief. He forgets about the symptoms of his disease; he looks up his disease to try to learn about it; he re-discovers his inevitable demise anew; the grieving process restarts again. (“She would wake, she would walk, she would forget […] and she would fade and fade and fade”).

What, then, does acceptance look like when grief is so ongoing and so protracted?

What does acceptance look like in the absence of any possibility of acceptance?

Kübler-Ross’s “five stages of grief” model has been a meaningful guide for countless folks in their efforts to navigate grief and loss. Yet, the model has also been subject to a great deal of critique. Critics have accused the model of, among other things, suggesting that grieving is a linear process, whereby a person moves from one stage to the next and then ends conclusively at acceptance (when grieving is, in fact, an incredibly uneven, nonlinear, and inconclusive process). Relatedly, they have also called attention to the fact that the model commonly gets used prescriptively in ways that usher grieving folks towards the end goal of acceptance and cast judgment on those who do not reach that stage. These are criticisms that I would level at Bly’s application of Kübler-Ross as well. Earlier, we thoroughly covered the show’sissues with grief and acceptance as major themes; but in addition to those issues, Bly alsotends to steer its characters towards abrupt endpoints of acceptance, while doling out punishments to those who “refuse” to accept. At root, there are normative ascriptions at work in the show’s very characterization of deferred acceptance as refusal and acceptance itself as an active choice that one has to make.

This alternative ending, then, would have the potential to challenge and complicate the show’s handling of grief by approaching Jamie’s grieving and Dani’s fatalism from very different angles. As Dani’s caregiver, Jamie would encounter and negotiate grief in ongoing and processual ways, which would continue to evolve as her wife’s condition worsens and her caregiving responsibilities mount, thereby lending new layers of meaning to the message that “To truly love another person is to accept that the work of loving them is worth the pain of losing them.” Dani’s fatalism here could also serve as a different interpretation of James’s Beast in the Jungle; perhaps her sense of fatalism ebbs and flows, morphs and contorts along with the progression of her memory loss as she anticipates the gradual whittling-away of her selfhood—or even forgets that inevitability entirely. Still a tragic, heart-rending ending to the show, this scenario may not have the dramatic force of Jamie screaming into the waters of the lake, but it would be a relatable depiction of the ways that many real-life romances conclude. (And, having witnessed the extent of my mom’s ongoing caregiving for my dad, lemme tell ya: if y’all really want a portrayal of selflessness in romantic partnerships, I can think of nothing more selfless than caring for one’s terminally ill partner across their gradual death).

Additionally, this scenario could allow the show to maintain the frame narrative, while also packing fresh complexities into it.

Perhaps, in this case, Dani is still alive, but Jamie has come to Flora’s wedding alone, leaving Dani with in-home caregivers or within assisted living or some such. She comes there determined to ensure that Miles and Flora regain at least some awareness of what Dani did for them—that they remember her. The act of telling Dani’s story, then, becomes not only the performance of a mourning ritual, but also a vital way of preserving and perpetuating Dani’s memory where both the children and Dani, herself, can no longer remember. To be sure, such purposes already compel Jamie’s storytelling in the show: Narrator Jamie indicates that the new Lady of the Lake will eventually lose her recollection of the life she had with the gardener, “leaving the only trace of who she once was in the memory of the woman who loved her most.” But in the context of a conclusion so focused on memory loss, this statement would take on new dimensions of import. In this way, the frame narrative might also more forcefully prompt us, the audience, to reflect on the waysthat we can carry on the memories of our loved ones by telling their stories—and also, maybe, the responsibilities that we may have to do so. “Almost no one even remembers how she was when her mind hadn’t gone,” Jamie remarks after returning from Owen’s mother’s funeral, a subtle indictment of just how easily we can lose our own memories of those who suffer from conditions like dementia—how easily we can fail to carry on the stories of the people they were before and to keep their memories alive. (“We are all just stories in the end,” Olivia Crain emphasizes during the eulogy for Shirl’s kitten in The Haunting of Hill House. In fact, there’re some interesting comparative analyses we could do about storytelling and the responsibilities incumbent on storytellers between these two Flanagan shows).

Along those lines, I think that this would’ve been an excellent opportunity for the show to exacerbate and foreground those latent tensions between Jamie and Owen (and maybe also Henry) about whether to share Dani’s story with the now-adult children.

In the show’s explorations of memory loss, there’re already some interesting but largely neglected undercurrents churning around about the idea that maybe losing one’s memory isn’t just a curse or a heartbreaking misfortune (as it is for Viola, the ghosts of Bly Manor, and Owen’s mother), but can, in certain circumstances, be a blessing. Bly implies—via Owen and the frame narrative—that Miles and Flora have been able to flourish in their lives because they have forgotten what happened at Bly and still remain blissfully unaware of it…which, to be clear, is only possible because of the sacrifices that Dani and Jamie have made. But this situation raises, and leaves floating there, a bunch of questions about the responsibilities we have to impart traumatic histories to younger generations—whether interpersonally (e.g. within families) or societally (e.g. in history classrooms). Cycles of trauma don’t end by shielding younger generations from the past; they especially don’t end by forcing impacted, oppressed, traumatized populations (e.g. queer folks) to shoulder the burdens of trauma on their own for the sake of protecting another population’s innocent ignorance. But how do we impart traumatic histories? How do we do so responsibly, compassionately, in ways that respect those harrowing pasts—and those who lived them, those most directly impacted by them—without actively causing harm to receiving audiences? On the other hand, if we over-privilege the innocence of those who have forgotten or those who weren’t directly impacted, what do we lose and what do we risk by not having frank, open conversations about traumatic histories?

As it stands, I think that Bly is remiss in the way it tosses out these issues, but never actually does anything with them. It could have done much, much more. In this alternate ending, then, there could be some productive disagreement among Jamie, Owen, and Henry about whether to tell Flora and Miles, what to tell them, how to tell them. Perhaps, in her seizing of the conversation and her launching of the story in such a public way, Jamie has taken matters into her own hands and has done so in a way that Owen and Henry can’t easily derail. Perhaps Owen sympathizes but does, indeed, abruptly cut her off just before her audience can completely connect the dots. Perhaps Henry is conflicted and doesn’t take a stand—or perhaps he does. Perhaps we find out that Henry had been torn about whether to even invite Jamie because of the possibility of something like this happening. Or, perhaps Henry wants the children to know and believes that they should hear Dani’s story from Jamie. Perhaps we see scenes of past quarrels between Jamie and Owen, Owen and Henry. Perhaps, once the story has ended, we see a brief aftermath conversation between Owen and Jamie about what Jamie has done, their speculations about how it may impact Miles and Flora. Perhaps the show presents these conversations in ways that challenge us to reflect on them, even if it does not provide conclusive answers to the questions it raises, and even if it leaves these conflicts open-ended, largely unresolved.

Alternative Ending 2: Living with the Trauma

If Bly’s creators had wanted Viola’s inhabitation of Dani to represent the ongoing struggles of living—and loving someone—with severe mental illness and trauma, they could have also just…done that? Like, they could have just portrayed Jamie and Dani living their lives together and dealing with Viola along the way. They could have just let that be it. It wouldn’t have been necessary to include Dani’s death within the show’s depicted timeline at all.

The show could’ve more closely aligned its treatment of Dani’s fatalism with James’s Beast in the Jungle—but with, perhaps, a bit more of a hopeful spin. Perhaps, early on, Dani is convinced that her demise is imminent and incontrovertible, much as we already see in the final episode’s diner scene. For a while, this outlook continues to dominate her existence in ways that interfere with her daily functioning and her relationship with Jamie. Perhaps there’s an equivalent of the flooded bathtub scene, but it happens much earlier in the progression of their partnership: Dani despairs, and Jamie is there to reinforce her commitment to staying with Dani through it all, much like her extant “If you can’t feel anything, then I’ll feel everything for the both of us” remarks. But maybe, as a result of this, Dani comes to a realization much like The Beast in the Jungle’s John Marcher—but one that enables her to act on her newfound understanding, an opportunity that Marcher never finds before it’s too late. Maybe she realizes that her fatalism has been causing her to miss out on really, truly embracing the life that she and Jamie have been forging together, thus echoing the show’s earlier points about how unresolved trauma can impede our cultivation of meaningful relationships. Maybe she realizes that her life with Jamie has been passing her by while she’s remained so convinced that Viola will claim that life at any moment. Maybe she comes to understand that her perpetual sense of dread has been hurting Jamie—that Jamie needs her in the same ways that she needs Jamie, but that Dani’s ever-present sense of doom has been preventing her from providing for those needs. And maybe this leads to a re-framing of the “you, me, us,” conceit, with a scene in which Dani acknowledges the extent to which her fatalism has been dictating their lives; in light of this acknowledgement, she and Jamie resolve—together—to continue supporting each other as they navigate Viola’s lasting influences on their lives.

By making this suggestion, I once again do not want to seem like I’m advocating that “Dani should fight back against Viola” (or, in other words, that “Dani should fight harder to win the battle against her mental illness”). But I do want to direct us back to a point that I raised at the very beginning: grieving, traumatized, and mentally ill folks can, indeed, cause harm to our loved ones. Our grief, trauma, and mental illness don’t excuse that fact. But what that means is that we have to take responsibility for our harmful actions. What it absolutely does not mean is that our harms are inevitable or that our loved ones would be better off without us.It means recognizing that we still matter and have value to others, despite the narratives we craft to try to convince ourselves otherwise. It means acknowledging the wounds that fatalistic, “everybody is better without me” assumptions can inflict. It means identifying the ways that we can support and care for our loved ones, even through our own struggles with our mental health.

“Fighting harder to win the battle against mental illness” is a callous and downright incorrect framing of the matter; but there are, nevertheless, intentional steps that we must take to heal from trauma, to receive treatment for our mental illnesses, to care for ourselves, to care for our loved ones. For instance…the very process of writing this essay incited me to do a lot of reflecting on the self-defeating narratives that I have been telling myself about my mental health and my relationships with others. And that, in turn, incited me to do some course-correcting. I thought about how much I want to work towards healing, however convoluted and intricate that process may be. I thought about how I want to support my family. How I want to foster a robust social support network, such that I feel a genuine sense of community. How I want to be an attentive friend. How, someday, if I’m fortunate enough to have a girlfriend, I want to be a caring, present, and equal partner to her; I want to emotionally nourish her through life’s trials and turmoil, not just expect her to provide that emotional nourishment for me. I started writing this essay in August; and since then, because of it, I’ve held myself accountable by reaching out to friends, spending time with them, trying to support them. I’ve also managed to get myself, finally, to start therapy. And my therapist is already helping me address those self-defeating narratives that have led me to believe that I’m just a burden on my friends. So, y’know, I’m workin’ on it.

But it ain’t pretty. And it also ain’t a linear upward trajectory of consistent improvement. It’s messy. Sometimes, frankly, it’s real ugly.

It could be for Dani, too.

Even with her decision to accept the certainties and uncertainties of Viola’s intrusive presence in her life, to live her life as best she can in the face of it all, perhaps Dani still struggles from day to day. Perhaps some days are better than others. Perhaps Viola, as I suggested earlier, begins finding some modicum of peace through her possession of Dani; nonetheless, her rage and disquiet never entirely subside, and they still periodically overtake Dani. Perhaps Dani improves, only to then backslide, only to then find ways to stabilize once again. In this way, the show could’ve more precisely portrayed the muddled, tumultuous lastingness of grief and trauma throughout a lifetime—without concluding that struggle with a valorized suicide.

Such portrayals are not unprecedented in horror. As I contemplated this ending possibility, I couldn’t help but think of The Babadook (2014), another piece of horror media whose monster carries allegorical import as a representation of the endurance and obtrusion of unresolved trauma. The titular monster doesn’t disappear at the film’s end; Sam emphasizes, in fact, that “you can’t get rid of the Babadook.” And so, even after Amelia has confronted the Babadook and locked him in the basement of the family’s home, he continues to lurk there, still aggressive and threatening to overcome her, but able to be pacified with a bowlful of worms. Like loss and trauma, the Babadook can never be totally ignored or dispelled, only assuaged with necessary, recurrent attention and feedings.

Bly could have easily done something similar with Viola. Perhaps, in the same way that Amelia has to regularly provide the Babadook with an offering of worms, Dani must also “feed” Viola to soothe her rage. What might those feedings look like? What might they consist of? Perhaps Viola draws Dani back to Bly Manor, insisting on revisiting those same sites that have held implacable sway over her for centuries. Perhaps these visits are what permit Dani to gradually learn about Viola: who she was, what she has become, why she has tarried between life and death for so long. Perhaps Dani also learns that these “feedings” agitate Viola for a while, stirring her into fresh furor—but that, in their wake, Viola also settles more deeply and for longer periods. Perhaps they necessitate that Dani and Jamie both directly confront their own traumas, bring them to the surface, attend to them. Perhaps, together, they learn how to navigate their traumas in productive, mutually supportive ways. Perhaps this is also what quiets Viola over time, even if Dani is never quite sure whether Viola will return to claim her life.

You may be wondering, then, about what happens with the frame narrative in this scenario. If Dani doesn’t meet some tragic demise, what happens to the role and significance of grieving in the act of Jamie’s storytelling? Would Jamie’s storytelling even occur? Wouldn’t Dani just be at Flora’s wedding, too? Would we miss the emotional gut-punch of the reveal of the narrator’s identity at the end?  

Perhaps, in this case, the ending removes some of the weight off of the grief theme to instead foreground those troubled deliberations about how to impart traumatic histories (as we covered in the previous scenario). As such, the frame could feature those conflicts between Jamie (and Dani here too this time), Owen, and Henry concerning whether or not to tell Dani’s story to Miles and Flora. Perhaps Dani decides not to attend the wedding, wary of contributing to this conflict at the scene of what should be a joyous occasion for Flora; perhaps she feels like she can’t even face the children. And then, without Dani there, perhaps an overwrought Jamie jumps into the story when the opportunity presents itself—whether impulsively or premeditatedly.

Or…Perhaps the show could’ve just scrapped the frame at Flora’s wedding and could’ve done something else instead. What might that be? I have no idea! Sky’s the limit.

At any rate, even with these changes, it would’ve still been possible to have the show conclude in a sentimental, tear-jerking way (which seems to be Flanagan’s preference). Perhaps Jamie’s storytelling does spark the return of the children’s memories. Perhaps, as they begin to remember, they reach out to Dani and Jamie, wanting to connect with them, wanting especially to see Dani again. And then, perhaps, the show could’ve ended with a scene of Miles and Flora finally reuniting with Dani—emotional, sweet, and memorable, no valorized suicide or exploitation of queer tragedy needed.

Conclusion

In my writing of this essay—and over the course of the Bly Manor and Hill House rewatches that it inspired—I’ve been finding myself also doing a great deal of reflection about the possibilities and purposes of horror media. I’ve been thinking, in particular, about the potential for the horror genre to provide contained settings in which we can face and explore our deepest fears and traumas in (relatively) safe, controlled ways. Honestly, I think that this is part of why I enjoy Flanagan’s work so much (even if it also enrages me at the same time). If you’ve read this far, you’ll have seen just how profoundly I relate to so much of the subject matter of The Haunting of Bly Manor. It has been extremely meaningful and valuable for me to encounter the show’s depictions of topics like familial trauma, grief, loss, compulsory heterosexuality, caregiving for aging parents, so on, all of which bear so heavily on my own existence. Bly Manor produced opportunities for me to excavate and dig deeply into the worst experiences of and feelings about my life: to look at them, understand them, and give voice to them, when I’m otherwise inclined to bury them into inconspicuous docility.

Even so, the show does not handle these relatable topics as well as it could have. Flanagan and the many contributors to this horror anthology can’t just preach at us about the responsibilities of storytellers; they, too, have responsibilities as storytellers in the communication of these delicate, sensitive, weighty human experiences. And so, to reinforce a point that I made earlier, this is why I’ve written this extensive critique. It’s not because I revile the show and want to condemn it—it’s because I cherish Bly Manor immensely. It’s because I wanted more out of it. It’s because I want to hold it and its creators accountable. It’s because I want folks to think more critically about it (especially after how close I came to unreflectively accepting its messages in my own initial reception of it).

Television usually doesn’t get me this way. It’s been a long time since I was this emotionally attached to a show. So this essay has been my attempt to honor Bly with a careful, meticulous treatment. I appreciate all of the reflection and self-work that it has inspired me to undertake. I’ve wanted to pay my respects in the best way I know how: with close, thorough analysis.

If you’ve read all this mess, thanks for taking the time to do so. I hope that you’ve been able to get something out of it, too.

Representation matters, y’all.

The end.

[jupiter-mylove]

HEADCANNONS

James

-This man definitely gives piggy back rides, he doesn’t care if you think your heavy or anything. He would sprint through the halls carrying you in his back if you said you were tired.

-He’s a really good cook. He isn’t Gordon Ramsey but he can make home cooked meals almost as good as his momma. Man would totally make Alfredo or some kind of pasta for your first date.

-If you play quidditch on the Gryffindor team he would make sure you didn’t have practice while you were on your period (if you have one!) or if your sick

-If you wear his clothes he will pull you onto his lap, and show it off. Loves when people know your his <3

Remus

-Always makes sure he has a book with him that you might like, especially on the train or during classes. Will definitely annotate books and gift them to you so you can read the book and all his silly thoughts with it

-Would be so scared to tell you about his lycanthropy but will be super happy and grateful that you weren’t mad. He loves you and wants to be able to be honest but didn’t know how to break the news.

-Would always help you with your homework. Even if you don’t ask, he’s gonna proofread you essays and double check your astronomy charts.

-GIVES THE BEST MASSAGES! If your stuff after a long day, he will legit sit you down, massage your shoulders, and kiss your neck while asking about your day.

Sirius

-Cuddle bug right here, he always wants to be cuddled up next to you, on the common room couch, train compartment, three broomsticks booth, bench in the great hall, or by the black lake.

-Kisses are a must, if you haven’t had at least five kisses by breakfast he’s afraid you might die. James, Remus, and Peter tried to get him to do a prank and miss breakfast and he whined the whole time because he "didn’t get a second good morning kiss."

-At parties (especially his annual famous birthday party) he makes you dance with him so much. Every song, all night, every kind of dance. He somehow knows all the lyrics to every song they play and will sing the night away. Don’t let him get started on karaoke, though.

Peter (no I won’t exclude him, he’s a marauder too)

-Peter is the kind of guy that would take care of you when your sick. He goes full mum mode and brings you soup, checks your temp, and makes sure you get rest.

-He makes sure that the boys don’t prank you too bad, but if they do and you prank them back he would team up with you so he didn’t get on your bad side.

-I personally headcannon Peter to be neurodivergent and I think he would have trouble focusing in classes and things. He would lace your fingers together and play with your jewelry in class.

-Peter is really sweet and would never forget a date, special day, or anniversary. He brings you sunflowers to all of the dates, and charms them to not wilt

(A/N this is my first post on here! I have been in the marauders fandom for three years and the hp fandom for 12 years. I love all of these characters. I will write for the marauders era girls, regulus/+skittles, poly!marauders, golden trio era, and other fandoms if requested!)

LEAVE REQUESTS FOR ONESHOTS (x reader) AND MORE HEADCANNONS

[kebriones]

Hi!! I know we haven’t interacted, but I’ve seen a lot of your Alcibiades posts - and I’ve gotta say, I’m very intrigued!! I’ve tried googling around a bit to see what the main sources he’s featured in are, but I’ve sort of pulled blank multiple times. Is there any book/essay/anything you’d recommend starting with? [[and I love your art btw - you’re so talented, and your effort really shows!! :) ]]

WELL WELL WELL you've come to the right place! First of all, I am so glad that my posts about him made you intrigued! Alcibiades propaganda is the purpose of my life. Anyways.

Here's an earlier post I've made on the topic, with links: https://kebriones.tumblr.com/post/729395530643472384

But I'll elaborate a bit here as well because i have time to kill until i have to go catch my ship to athens!

The "Life of Alcibiades" by Plutarch, available in English online, is a roman-era biography of him. Definitely a good starting point. Many of the anecdotes inside are to be taken with a grain of salt since this was written a few centuries after Alcibiades' death, but it paints a very complete image of his life

Thucydides. Alcibiades features at the final part of his work, and I don't recommend you go read Thucydides unless you're obsession levels of interested in Alcibiades. But he is our most objective and most reliable source on Alcibiades. He had known him and had lived through the events he writes about.

Plato is another very important source, though more literary rather than purely historical. He also personally knew Alcibiades, and Alcibiades features in multiple of his dialogues including most importantly the symposium and the first Alcibiades

These are the three Main sources on him, but there are many others like Xenophon, some orations and writings from others, contemporaries, or people from a few years after his death, or roman-era authors.

In the post I have linked there's a link to Jacqueline deromilly's book on Alcibiades, which is my favorite modern biography of him, though I've heard very good things about other biographies too, which I haven't personally read yet and can't comment on

I recommend staying away from other modern sources like podcasts, youtube videos and articles about him. There's a lot of misunderstandings and misconceptions about Alcibiades that keep getting propagated, so i definitely recommend starting with the ancient sources like Plutarch and plato, and with that basis moving onwards if you want.

There's a lot of mentions of him here and there in all sorts of ancient texts, just the other day I came across an anecdote i had never seen before in my 2 years of obsessively researching him, so it's definitely a very fun and rich rabbit hole to go down into!

[thecynthh]

smart ass - M.S pt 5

synopsis - matt’s not doing to well with his schooling but is determined to get his degree and pass his classes. one essay which is a huge part of their grade haunts him with a bad mark, luckily y/n is willing to help him

notes - NOT PROOF READ, lowercase intention smut near the end, aftercare cus thats what matt specializes in, cuddles

a/n - uhm idk if yalls could tell, or if u knew but i’m a virgin and have never kissed anyone so 🫣

leave some suggestions for chris or matt fics for me to write pls as well :3

——————————————————————————

——————————————————————————

present day a few days after their second study session

y/n pov

matt s 🐼

hey message me when ur leaving ur house. 8:46

btw we r ordering food to the house cus i dont wanna get gas. 8:47

text me what u want from CFA. 8:47

you

what in the flying fuck is CFA? 8:49

matt s 🐼

uhm hello? kid, how do u not know what CFA is???? 8:49

you

abbreviations like this is what's wrong with our generation… 8:50

matt s 🐼

kay ur so weird omfg. 5:50

CFA clearly means chick-fil-a smartass 🙄. 8:51

you

oh well then 😋. nuggets and waffle fries please 🛐🛐. 8:52

and sunjoy btww. 8:52

matt s 🐼

ew u like sunjoy? 8:53

you

u like rootbear don’t talk to me ✋. 8:52

and let me in pls im already outside :). 8:52

read at 8:52

i sling my bag over my shoulder and leave my car, waiting outside the large house with thrilling anticipation as i wait for matt to open the door. I see the fluff of his brown locks and a sweater similar to the one i’ve seen him wear before at school. i dont know why i get giddy when i see him, i dont know how we went to only speaking when madi was around too greeting each other whenever we see each other in the halls or cafe or even in our shared classes.

matt and his brothers were some of my closest friends now, after madi introduced me to them at a party, both of us got insanely drunk and made me call off crazy drinking ever since. all i remember from that night was the way matt took care of me while i was in a very vulnerable state and didn’t take advantage of me. i haven’t told anyone but madi about what happened to me when i was younger, and i’m glad she’s still taken her promise to heart, the only thing that telling her about my past shit did was make her and i closer.

i see matt in full view after he opens the door, “hey!” i say with a cheery expression despite how late it was for me.

“heyyy, thanks for coming by the way, even though you had a shift earlier.” he says sheepishly, before i left for work he messaged me begging to have another study session because he had more questions about the essay part of the exam. “oh hey lemme put your stuff in my room, just chill on the couch before the food gets here.” i pass him my backpack and laptop as he begins to walk down a hallway to make it to his room.

i move through the small entryway and become more apparent in his brothers view, “heyy y/n” nick says moving up to me for a hug, i take in his embrace.

“hi nick!!” i say excitedly. other than matt, ive hung out with nick a lot too, madi always has him over at her apartment, and even the three of us have made it a plan to meet up at our favourite bakery and talk for however long we want too a couple times a week. out of the little over a month i’ve know the triplets, nick has made a huge impact on me, and i felt safe around him, as well as chris and matt.

he lets go of me while i walk over to a slumped over chris on the couch, when he realised i was here he sits up on the edge of the couch. “sup chris,” i dap him up doing a little bro half hug with him.

“always nice to see you y/n,” he says as our arms unfold from the middle of us. i take a seat next to him with a comfortable amount of distance between us. matt returns not too long after i greet everyone. He sits down between chris and i and nick returns from the kitchen with a pepsi, root beer, bottled water and a lemonade, passing out everyone's drink knowing what each of us would ask for. matt and i give nick a thank you as he nods his head after.

nick stationed himself on the elongated part of the couch settling in with his fluffy blanket, he puts on a stranger thing episode and we all sit watching the tv. it only takes another five minutes of the episode for the doorbell to ring through the house. nick gets up immediately scurrying to the door with his fluffy blanket wrapped around him as he talks to the delivery man, thanking him and making small steps to see the rest of us. he comes back with two large bags of food planting them on the coffee table in front of all of us, before grabbing a tray of drinks after going back to the entrance.

“thank you for paying matty,” chris says, rubbing up again his brother with his lips pursed and now shoulder to shoulder with his older brother. i giggle at the sight, copying chris.

“mmmmh thanks mattyyyy” i say resting my head on the peak of his shoulder, pursing my lips as well and copying chris’ weird voice.

“you’re a fucking weirdo chris,” matt says in a disgusted voice flicking the other head that was very close to his face. “and you're welcome y/n.”

i laugh at chris’ overly dramatic reaction to what matt did to him. still giggling a bit at the sight of matt completely ignoring his brothers reaction, I say “just tell me how much i own you.”

“eh, don’t worry about it, it’s on me, plus save up for that new laptop you were talking about. i know how much you want it,” i blush slightly.

“aww thank you then,” i wrap my arms around him and squeeze him, he hands me the food that i asked for and retract back onto the couch.

“by the way, what time are we planning to stay up till? i told madi that i’ll tell her when i was heading home.” i saw looking at matt.

“well its kinda late so if you wanna stay in the guest room, im fine with that.” matt says, moving his head towards me, then breaking eye contact with the tv screen.

“im ay okay with that if you wanna stay over! plus you know your way around the house,” nick says giving his approval to matts idea of staying over.

“mhm im chill with it,” chris simply says.

“uhh yeah then, i'm down, thanks!”

we eat then say goodnight to nick and chris before we go to matt's room for some studying.

i lay down onto his bed as he walks over to his bathroom to change into some comfier clothes. while hes in there i start to think about our first study session when i found out matt had a crush on me. i thought it was very cute, but it made matt awkward on our last study night. i’m glad that he's eased up now, i just acted like i didn’t know anything and didn’t want to push on how he was feeling because I knew it would make his anxiety worse.

i come back to my senses seeing matt reappear from the bathroom door. we stayed on track for studying for an hour and a half before we eventually put on brooklyn 99 on in the background and talked.

“so, the retake is in a couple days, you think you’re ready?” i was hopeful he would be good by then because tonight felt very productive. I quizzed him on a couple of important ideas while he was playing with a baseball, throwing it up and down in the air. i learnt that he understands stuff better when he is doing something with his hands, it keeps him focused.

“hm, i’m not too sure, maybe another study sesh the day after tomorrow so by friday i’ll have all the stuff we went over fresh in my mind.” the baseball still gets thrown up and falls down in front of his face, with his hand waiting to catch it before it smacks him right on his nose. “thanks again for this,” i hear him catch it one more time before he moves his hand away from his face and looks at me just to the right of him. i'm hovering over him slightly, his eyes glow the brightest in the slight illumination from the lamp we always use when we study.

“yeah of course matt, you're my friend anyways.” our faces mirror each other, his eyes roam my faces while his hand holds the side of my face.

i toss my hair to the side of my head to lean down to kiss matt, he immediately returns the kiss enveloping my bottom lip with his. i moan into his mouth feeling him push me down and dominate me. one of his hands rests on my hip keeping me down as i pull him down with my legs letting him top me. most of his body is pressed down to mine, i lift my hips to give myself some kind of sensation i desperately crave for.

“fuck, i’m sorry are you okay with this?” matt says when he disconnects us.

i cup his chin bringing him a little closer, “i really fucking like you matt, please don’t stop.”

a smirk grows onto his face, “i really fucking like you too, you’re lucky i do.” he becomes more unserious pecking little kisses amoungst my face making a very loud “mwah” sound with each of he presses into my skin.

“matttt” i say through my sour looking face while he shows his affection.

“okay, okay, i’m done. but uh, how about we kiss again, didn’t get a good feel of it the first time.” he says with a knowing smirk on his face. i use my hand to weave through his brunette hair pulling him towards me again, we share a more passionate kiss, with knowing and love rather than lust.

it doesn’t take us long till things got more serious, his lips attach to my neck instantly sucking multiple hickeys into visible spots on my neck, moving down to my collar bone and eventually to the full and plump part of my boob. this is where my dream stopped last week, ive been trying to ignore it for the longest time but being in the moment now after thinking about it in my head makes it feel even more surreal.

his hand sneaks to the bottom of my fresh love shirt that i took from matt’s drawers when i found out i was sleeping here his fingers feel the hem of it. “is it alright if i take your shirt off?” he says with a quiet voice, almost afraid of what i’ll say.

i quickly nod in reply but that doesn’t seem good enough for him.

“words smart ass, i need words.” he says with a little bit of a condescending tone to his love tainted words.

“yes matt, you can take my shirt off too.” i say with a small giggle following after it.

he lifts the fabric to uncover the same white lace bra i was wearing while i slept over at his house by accident. “mh, i’ve been dreaming about this for a while ever since i saw you in it that morning,” he kisses the lace that travels to the small connecting piece of fabric between the two cups of my bra.

“and i know you heard what chris said to me that morning, yet you still acted like nothing was wrong.” he moves his hand to my upper back placing his hand onto my bra strap, “hey, can i take this off?”

“mhm,” my lips sealed trying to conceal my response to the amazing feeling of his hands on my body, he undoes the clip on my back with skill and purpose. the touch of his fingertips grant goosebumps to my skin in a very arousing manner.

he pulls the dainty clothing article off my arms and throws it to the floor benign absolutely amazed by my tits, they weren’t much but it seemed like matt was under a spell, he latched his lips just above my nipple to give me more hickeys, he sucks and soothes repeating this multiple times before he eventually dips down to my nipple, i feel the rush of arousal arching slightly off the bed.

i moan in response to the new sensation, i’m not exactly a virgin, but i haven’t done anything like this in a while, let alone at all for god sake. he massages the other boob, playing with the nipple with his hand the opposite of the one his mouth is very focused on.

he finally comes up for air after a little bit teasing, my thighs rub together and sits up to rip his shirt off to match my level of revealing skin, off goes his sweats as well leaving him in just his boxers, “matt, oh my god” i'm out of breath and very needy.

he continues a trail of kisses down to my clothes pussy, he looks up at me while holding the stretchy waistband of my pants, i give him a vigorous nod knowing what he was asking for.

he slides them completely off leaving me in just my underwear. he plants another sweet kids over my clothed heat which milks another desperate moan from me. “matt wait-“ he immediately comes up from my bottom half and lays beside me listening to me.

“hey we don’t have too if you don’t want too, i’m down if you just wanna go to bed in the other room, or even if you just wanna stay here and cuddle for the rest of the night.” he says before i can go ahead with what i was thinking.

“no, no i really want too it’s just, i haven’t really… done this before.” i tell him, he seems almost fully unaffected by my words.

“that’s fine, i’m here to make you feel good,” he places his hand nearing my core again, he rubs my panties over my clit moving down to feel the very apparent wet spot. “wow i’ve barely touched you and your so worked up,” his voice was sultry with a hint of a condescending tone.

“m-matt please” i struggle to say feeling the pressure he's putting down onto my throbbing clit.

“i’m gonna take these off now, okay?” he says with his fingers wrapped around the thin string of my thong that’s barely covers anything.

he slips them off admiring the sight in front of him, i almost get self conscious wanting to cover myself up with his blankets. his head dips and his hands pant onto my hips and one on my inner thigh. his tongue makes very sudden contact with my clit, he sucks and swirls his tongue around it, feeling the very heavy pressure i arch my back slighting leaning forward into his face.

his finger creeps and teases my hole before he fully plunged it into me. i heavy moan escapes my lips, “quiet now princess, can’t let nick or chris hear you.”

he continues his movements stimulating both my clit and hole at the same time, “more, please” i say with a pleading tone. he removes his finger from inside of me and replaces it with his tongue and mouth. he absolutely devoured my pussy giving me as much pleasure as he could, his mouth moving back to my clip and he slid his finger back into me moving it at a moderate pace.

i don’t try very hard to conceal my very loud moans, as soon as matt enters a second finger into my dripping cunt, i release with a pornographic moan, squeezing his head between my legs. “holy shit matt,” he licks up all of my hot cum and comes back up to kiss me.

“mmh you did so well for me, you ready for me now?” i say a needy yes while he goes back to sit back on the his headboard. he removes his boxers with such haste letting his cock spring out with a bead of pre-cum leaking out. “i wanna watch you ride me, you control the pace and how deep you wanna go.” he whispers into my ear.

he lifts me on top of him, kissing him passionately while i grind down onto his twitching cock. he lets out a guttered groan “okay, let’s do this cause i could bust just from looking at you.”

he lines himself up and holds my hips while i sink down onto him. his so thick and long, i feel him in ever existing crevasse in my cunt. “fuck yes” i say letting out a heavy breath.

“holy shit you’re so tight-“ he says between his monas and hard breathes. i begin to move myself up and down slowly, whatever pain that came at first quickly moved to pleasure as i speed up my movements.

my tits bounce every time i move up or down, my movements are set at a constant pace, “matt, i think- i think i’m gonna cum.” i say, feeling his dick twitch in my pussy again.

“come for me baby, give it to me,” he says, taking me by my love handles and moving me up and down a little faster. i came hearing his words letting out a couple of breathy moans, he follows soon after me. i feel his thick long ropes of cum fill me up and come back down dripping onto his cock.

matt does a couple of slower pumps in and out of me to ride both of us through our highs. he picks me up as if i weigh nothing and puts me down beside him laying down onto the bed.

he goes into the bathroom to retrieve a small cloth and comes back to wipe me down. he does a couple of strips to pick up as much extra cum he could. i feel him hit my clit and i whimper loudly, “oh god, i’m sorry, i know your still sensitive.” once he’s finished he goes into the bathroom and cleans himself up.

fishing his boxers from the ground he slides them on and grabs my underwear and a large t-shirt from his closet. he hops onto the bed putting on my underwear and pulling me up to put on the shirt.

“mh thank you,” i say tired and groggy.

he plants a kiss onto my forehead “anything for you smart ass.”

he comes under the covers and wraps his arms around me, intertwining our legs. we sleep peacefully until the morning

taglist - @westwiing @comet235

[combeauferre]

trust you've got time on your side

les miserables, rated t, 2.6k words

“You think I’m on top of everything?” Courf says, smiling sadly. “I haven’t even started this essay yet. The reading is impossible. You’re not the only one struggling.”

“I-I shouldn’t be str-struggling at all.”

-

Enjolras should be made for university life, and instead, he's falling behind. Sometimes he needs reminding that that's okay.

Here is my submission for this year's @drinkwithme-exchange! This is for @spicypotstickerbliss I hope you enjoy!

read on ao3

By all measures, Enjolras should be perfectly cut out for university. He’s dedicated, he’s passionate, he cares. He's wanted to study law for as long as he can remember, it's his heart and soul and life's blood. 

He's not like half the people on his course, who took law because their rich parents want them to become rich lawyers. They're not here to learn the intricacies of a system they want to tear down. 

His own rich parents want nothing less than for him to study law. If they had their way he'd be studying medicine or dentistry. Not that he would ever do something just for them.

This is the start of the rest of his life - where he lets go of everything behind him and works on all he's ever cared about. This should be a breeze. 

There’s a voice in the back of his head, his guidance counsellor’s patronising, grating voice, telling him, “you have to be sure before you enter a law degree. Becoming a reputable lawyer does not happen across a three year Bachelor's degree. A lot of people don't make it." As if he’s ever been unsure about anything in his life, as if he ever struggled in school, ever been anything less than a solid A-grade student, or ever gave the impression that he couldn’t keep up with a heavy workload.

The pile of untouched readings on his desk stare at him in the same tone as his guidance counsellor spoke to him a year ago. Between attending classes, making connections with other students, writing essays and trying to create an activism group from the ground up, reading has taken a backseat. In theory, it's the least important part of his course. He shows up to class on time, he answers questions, he readily takes part in debates. For a while, he thought he could get away with doing the bare minimum of reading, and make up for it in every other area.

But slowly, he's been finding that when reading falls apart, his classes don't make sense. His arguments have no depth. Only a week ago, a professor pulled him aside at the end of a class to check he was keeping on top of his studies; it was embarrassing. His essays have no sources, the students he felt connected with a couple of months ago are suddenly miles ahead of him, and everything has come grinding to a halt. 

In his shared living room, Courfeyrac is curled up on the couch with a re-run of the documentary series the three of them have been watching together. Combeferre is at the stove, cooking dinner for the three of them. Tomorrow, it’s Enjolras’ turn. Another thing to add to the list of things he has to do. 

Courf takes almost all the same classes Enjolras does. They read the same papers, they write the same essays. Courf takes on almost as much work in their yet-to-be-named group as Enjolras and Combeferre. Courf, who had been terrified of the law workload, where Enjolras has never faltered in his surety to keep on top of it all. Now look who’s dragging behind.

A paper sits open in Enjolras’ lap, a few lines highlighted and an essay open on his laptop. If he can just finish reading this paper, find a decent few quotes to add, maybe he can at least get a decent first draft of this essay. It’s not due until next week, he has time, surely. Although, in that time, there will be two more seminars focused on different papers, a couple of multiple-choice tests, and a meeting of their now five-member group, in which they will discuss expansion. Enjolras will explain a plan of action for the next few months. A plan of action he has yet to make.

A soft knock at the door makes him jolt up.

“Bas?”

He sighs, scrubbing his hands over his face.

“Come in.”

Courfeyrac’s face pokes around the door and they smile.  

“Gabriel says dinner’s almost ready, are you joining us?”

“Yeah,” he says, sighing, “I-I just have t-to finish something first.”

Stepping inside, Courfeyrac drops down on the other end of Enjolras’ bed.

“Which essay is this?” Their head cranes over Enjolras’ laptop to look at the paper he’s reading. “Oh, that one.”

“I-I know you’ve pr-probably already fin-finished it,” he says, sighing and ignoring Courf's amused shake of the head, "all th-this reading is s-s-so hard to get through.”

“Well, some food and a break will help, right?”

Chewing his lip, Enjolras shakes his head.

“Maybe I-I’ll have dinner in here, I really w-want to get th-this draft done.”

“Bas, come on.”

“I-I don’t have t-time, Jules,” he says, firmer, glaring at his computer screen. “Just b-because you can s-sit and w-watch TV all night, d-doesn’t mean I-I can.”

He reaches up to tug at his hair, scowling down at the paper.

“Th-this reading is s-so hard,” he continues, “I-I can barely get my-my head around it, an-and we have so much t-to do w-with the group, and-” he takes a few quick, sharp breaths, “I-I can’t just get th-through it all like y-you can.”

Courfeyrac sighs fondly.

“Do you really think I’m watching TV because all my work is done?”

Frowning, Enjolras looks up.

“I-is it not?”

“No.” Gently, Courf pulls Enjolras’ laptop away. “I know it’s hard, Bas, but you’re gonna burn out if you don’t take breaks.”

“I don’t have time to- to take breaks.”

He avoids Courf’s face. He has the stern look memorised, and he's sure Courf learned it from Combeferre. 

“Do you want me to get Gabi in here?”

Scowling at nothing, Enjolras shakes his head.

“I-I just don’t know h-how you do it,” he says eventually, quietly. “All I e-ever do is w-work, and I jus-just can’t do it all.” He takes a breath and picks at his fingers. “You two are on t-top of everything, all th-the time.”

“You think I’m on top of everything?” Courf says, smiling sadly. “I haven’t even started this essay yet. The reading is impossible. You’re not the only one struggling.”

“I-I shouldn’t be str-struggling at all.”

A throat clears in the doorway, and they look up to see Combeferre leaning against the doorframe.

“H-how long have you been th-there?” Enjolras asks nervously.

“Long enough,” Ferre says, smiling sadly, “Jules was a while getting you, I was worried. I should’ve known you’d be working yourself to death in here. Still.”

Blushing sheepishly, Enjolras looks away.

“Come and get some dinner,” he says, “you need to eat, Bas.”

He huffs, folding his arms. 

“Y-yes, dad."

Combeferre laughs.

“Yes, come into the living room and think about what you’ve done.”

Taking his laptop, Courfeyrac saves Enjolras' work and closes it down. They reach out a hand for him and tug him up.

“Maybe we can bring all our work out and study together tonight, yeah?”

“I have some reading to do too,” Combeferre says, guiding them both out into the living room. Grinning, he adds, “we can always swap and you can read about metaphysics instead.”

“I-it’s probably more in-interesting than property law,” Enjolras grumbles, allowing himself to be guided to the couch. A bowl of stew and couscous is placed in his hands and he sighs softly as the smell reaches his nose.

“I loved this episode so much I had to watch it again,” Courfeyrac says as they settle down on one side of him, pressing play. Combeferre sits on the other.

“Wh-why do I feel l-like th-this is going to be an-an intervention?” he asks, eyeing them both suspiciously.

Laughing, Courfeyrac links their arms.

“Well, it’s too late now, you’re stuck here.”

"I-I really am gonna n-need to go back an-and finish my w-work, Jules,” Enjolras says, trying again to squirm out of their grip.

“Nope, you’re not going anywhere,” Courf laughs, leaning their weight against him, “you’re going to take a break and you’re going to fucking enjoy it.”

Sulkily, Enjolras sighs and stops, taking a mouthful of stew.

“Success!” Courf cheers, finally settling in. 

Throughout their meal, Enjolras tries to slowly drag his arm free of the loop it’s made with Courfeyrac’s, but every time he's close to getting free, they shoot him a sly grin and clamp their arm back down against his.

"You two are children,” Combeferre comments dryly, after a solid ten minutes of practiced patience. He finishes his stew and loops his own arm through Enjolras’ other with a smirk.

“I-I’m staying, I’m staying,” he grumbles, “I c-can barely even eat m-my stew anymore.”

Combeferre releases him gently and takes his bowl into the kitchen.

“You’d better still be there when I get back,” he calls.

“He will be,” Courf shouts back with a laugh.

“I-I really need t-to get back to w-work, Jules,” Enjolras says quietly, “I-I’m so behind.”

“You work too much, Bas,” they say, kindly, “you’re not behind, you’re burning out. You need to take more breaks.”

“I-I don’t!” Enjolras insists, “If I can just- just get out of th-this slump, I’ll be al-alright again.”

Walking back in from the kitchen, Combeferre drops on the other side of him and passes them each a cookie.

“Jules is right,” he says, “you’re going to work yourself into the ground.”

“N-nothing is done!” Enjolras insists, “I have s-so much to d-do and no t-t-time to get it all d-done!”

“Well clearly,” Combeferre says, taking his hand and gently rubbing the back of it with his thumb, “working down to the bone isn’t helping.”

“You’re not even behind,” Courfeyrac adds, “you’ve done way more than me. I haven’t even started that essay, I’m working on group stuff right now, I haven’t even had time to think about it.”

“Th-that should not be getting i-in the way of your w-work-”

“Bas,” Courfeyrac lays a hand on his shoulder, “I’m managing fine. You clearly are not, you need more rest.”

Enjolras folds his arms petulantly.

"You know Jules is right," Combeferre adds, putting an arm round Enjolras' shoulders, "We're both worried about you, we haven't properly seen you in days."

"I'm fine," he grumbles, leaning into his side all the same. "I-I just need to catch up on- on this one th-thing and I'll be b-back on tr-track."

"How about this," Ferre says, pausing the documentary again, "Tonight, we just relax, we finish watching this and then we can just hang out or something, and tomorrow-"

"I-I can't-"

"Tomorrow," Combeferre continues with a stern look, "we take our stuff and we go check out that cafe you were telling us about, and we can spend the day studying there. And I'm sure you'll get more done than if you lock yourself in your room tonight and force yourself to write that essay."

Huffing, Enjolras glares between them.

"Fine."

"Good." Combeferre goes to relinquish his hold, but Enjolras rests his head on his shoulder and sighs.

"Comfy there?" Ferre asks, smiling fondly. Nodding, Enjolras' eyes slip shut and Ferre gives Courfeyrac a soft look.

"I'll get a blanket," Courf says, getting up and taking theirs and Enjolras' empty bowls, pressing a kiss to Enjolras' temple as they go.

"You t-two fuss too much," he says quietly, when Courf has disappeared into their room. "I-I would be f-fine." 

Stroking his hair, Combeferre shrugs lightly. 

"Maybe you would be," he says, "but you don't seem fine. Working yourself down to the bone isn't going to always give you perfect grades, Bas. Do you really think you would have been able to finish that essay tonight? Or would you have sat in there and stared at that paper all night and beaten yourself up about how you couldn't focus on it?" 

Huffing, Enjolras scowls straight ahead. Ferre doesn't need to see it to know the expression. 

"You know I'm right," he says gently. 

"May-maybe," Enjolras concedes. 

"So, what about," Courfeyrac says, pulling two blankets out of their room, "we get all our cushions and duvets out here and have a sleepover?" 

"I-it's already a sl-sleepover every night," Enjolras says, "w-we live i-in the same house." 

"We don't sleep in the same room, though," they reply, setting down the blankets on the floor, "this will be like the good old days, the three of us all cuddled up together, watching a movie." He throws Enjolras a smirk. "And that way, we know you won't skulk back to your room and work on your essay until four in the morning." 

"I-I wasn't going t-to do that." 

"Sure you weren't." 

"I w-wasn't!" 

"Well then it doesn't matter, does it?" Courf asks, taking his hand and pulling him down on to a blanket. "You're not missing out on work, and we get to spend time with our bestest friend." 

Enjolras can't help the soft look that comes over his face at that. 

"Y-you really don't h-have to do th-this," he says quietly. 

Courfeyrac cradles his face gently with their hands and smiles, kissing his forehead. 

"We want to." 

And then they're off again, carrying back and forth duvets and pillows from each of their rooms and making a nest on the floor in front of the TV. 

"Gabi," they say, on their second duvet run, "Will you help Bas pick out a movie?" 

"I-I don't need help w-with th-that," Enjolras grumbles. Combeferre laughs and rolls his eyes.

"Are you going to be grumpy about this all night?" he asks fondly. 

Scowling good naturedly, Enjolras considers. 

"Maybe." 

"Go on then, pick us out a movie." 

Reaching down to their TV, Enjolras pulls out their shared box of DVDs and rifles through until he finds what he's looking for. 

Courfeyrac laughs quietly and rolls their eyes. 

"You don't even know the half of it," Combeferre says as he takes The Neverending Story from Enjolras and sets up the DVD. "When we first met, this was the only movie we were allowed to watch for the first two years of our sleepovers." 

"I-it's a beautiful st-story about hope and p-perse-perseverence," Enjolras grumbles, slinking back on to the couch and huddling into Courfeyrac's side. 

"As far as comfort movies go, it's pretty good," Courf concedes, pushing a hand into Enjolras' hair and scritching gently at the scalp. 

Combeferre comes back to the couch and settles into Enjolras' other side, leaning into him and accepting an arm around his shoulders. 

Eventually, Enjolras' tenseness ebbs away and he settles back into Courf's lap, Combeferre's head ending up in his own. A "th-thank you" is almost silently drawn from his lips as his eyes slip closed. 

"Any time," Combeferre says, just as quietly, from where his head rests easily on Enjolras' thigh. He and Courfeyrac follow in sleep shortly after. 

It's early morning when Courfeyrac wakes to a gentle jostling coming from their front. Opening their eyes and letting them adjust, they see Enjolras gently trying to pry himself away from the sandwich they've trapped him in. 

"What do you think you're doing?" Courf whispers, making Enjolras all but jump out of his skin. 

"Jules, I-I really need t-to get this w-work done." His voice is groggy from his own sleep and his eyes are bleary but he doesn't let up.

Rolling their eyes, Courf whips their arms around him and they pull him back into place. 

"Don't make me wake Gabi," they say sternly. Enjolras sighs and begrudgingly relaxes back into Jules' lap. 

"You're not going anywhere until morning," they whisper, pulling Enjolras closer and snuggling back into place. 

"I-if I fail this paper," Enjolras mutters, "I'm b-blaming you." 

"Well it's a good job you're not going to fail then, isn't it?" 

Glaring at them, Enjolras settles down and finally closes his eyes again. 

"Just get some proper rest, Bas," Courf murmurs, stroking his hair once more, "in the morning, I promise I will help you with the paper."

This seems good enough for Enjolras, who rests his head back on Courfeyrac's stomach, and slowly falls back asleep. 

[astrangetorpedo]

Phoebe Bridgers. Julien Baker. Lucy Dacus. What happens when three of the most talented solo singer-songwriters of a generation get together? You get something disarmingly funny, haunting, queer, something sui generis. Plus the best love song playlist ever. Meet The Band— a.k.a. boygenius.

From left: CHOPOVA LOWENA fringe denim jacket. PAOLINA RUSSO bodice mini dress and knit top. CHOPOVA LOWENA zip cardigan and fuzzy skirt; FALKE tights.

Nicolaia Rips: How are you guys? You’re all individually at home hanging?

Lucy Dacus: Phoebe and I both just got back from, what, five weeks of being away or more. I’m jet-lagged. I was sleepy at 7 p.m. and I had a friend come over and kind of push me until 10 p.m. so I wouldn’t fall asleep while the sun was out.

Nicolaia Rips: How’s tour?

Lucy Dacus: The tour, like, all of it has been awesome. Our next show is Boston. Right? Or is it New Haven? I don’t know. (Julien pops into the zoom, just the tip of her baseball hat as she slowly emerges into frame.)

Julien Baker: My phone died and then I just...Hi, I’m here now.

Nicolaia Rips: If boygenius was a family who’s the middle child, who’s the eldest?

Phoebe Bridgers: Am I the youngest?

LD: No!

JB: No. You’re not youngest! I’m youngest.

LD: Julien’s youngest.

PB: You also are literally the youngest.

LD: Is it boring to say that it’s just how the ages are? Me and Phoebe are both older sisters to younger brothers and Julian is an only child. I think you’re big sis Phoebe. Big brother. Big sis was weird.

PB: My brother calls me sis to give me the ick. He’s like, I love how they do it on TV. They’re always like, “what’s up, sis?” Who the fuck calls their sister that?

NR: The film [directed by Kristen Stewart]. The record. Can you talk about the finality of “The.” What other “The” would you want to do in the future?

LD: The amusement park, uh, the strip club...

JB: The musical!

PB: It’s cool because we wouldn’t do that in our solo work. I think it just highlights the specialness of the time. Like we’re setting out to make the boygenius things right now.

LD: It’s also acknowledging a bit of hype, which is fun because we’re members of the boygenius fandom ourselves. So, people asking for the record, we’re able to give them the record.

NR: What makes something a boygenius song versus a solo?

LD: At least for me, context changes what I write about, and how I write. So, we just decided to be each other’s context for a couple years. It’s not some big secret, we chose to do this, to devote space and time.

NR: Your music feels so vulnerable yet there’s always this play. How do you feel your senses of humor factor into your work?

PB: It’s silly. We kind of enable each other. I feel like there have been several times where I’m like, am I allowed to write this? And the boys were like, yeah, obviously.

NR: What’s on the essential boygenius book list? The Book Club?

LD: Myth of Sisyphus.

PB: Stop!

LD: What are books that we’ve all read? Like Carmen Maria Machado, both of her books. The Sympathizer, we all loved. Letters to a Young Poet.

JB: I’ve heard y’all reference a lot and it’s nice to feel like ideas, instead of slipping into like a landfill or whatever, get recycled to me. I don’t know, I just like hearing y’all talk about books that I haven’t read too.

PB: That’s my main experience. I’m always the one that did not read the thing. I read way more because of this band which is so tight.

JB: I feel like you’re always reading essays on some lane of art and I’m just like, dang, all I read was a graphic novel and Sartre again.

LD: Sartre again. Y’all have podcasts. I’m completely out for the podcast conversation.

JB: Phoebe got me into podcasts. I used to just be like, it’s not radio, I don’t understand it. All the podcasts I listen to are just things [Phoebe] told me to listen to —99 PI, Hidden Brain.

PB: I do not have the strength to have thoughts when I’m doing things.

NR: I was listening to My Favorite Murder a while ago and was like, wait a second. Is that Phoebe Bridgers??

PB: I felt so nervous. I think that’s the last time I had actual stage fright.

LD: Is that the one where you say, “yeah, me and my friend Lucy kissed” and then everyone freaked out?

PB: Now, no one could possibly get freaked out by us kissing. It’s just part of it. “I went to a Boygenius show and Julien and Phoebe or Lucy and Phoebe kissed.”

JB: There’s a picture of me and Lucy and my mom asked if it was the guitarist from Muna because I think she saw one picture of me and Joe [Maskin] kissing and thinks we’re dating. Mom, you’re on Twitter? Like she’s following me? I felt love.

From left: S.S. Daley monogram tailored jacket. JEAN PAUL GAULTIER vintage top courtesy of Haut Archive. SIMONE ROCHA cotton stripe pointed collar shirt; JOHN LAWRENCE SULLIVAN wool stripe jacket.

NR: Who are your favorite unsung girl geniuses of history?

LD: Nick Drake’s mom, Molly Drake. She is an incredible poet and songwriter and pianist. They re-released a collection of her works recently. You can hear how Nick Drake was obviously inspired by her as her kid.

PB: Emily Bronte’s brother.

LD: We went to the Bronte mansion. Mansion. I just mixed up the Biltmore Mansion and the Bronte house because we also...

PB: We love to go to old places that people lived in.

LD: It’s like we’re trying to get haunted. We all showed up upset to the Bronte Museum and then in the first room they were like, “here’s the couch where Emily Bronte died of tuberculosis at age 30.” Now

whenever we’re all upset and it’s hard to get out of, we call it Brontitis. Emily and Anne had a brother named Branwell. Branwell Bronte who was a great artist. But he was underappreciated and wished he could be more like his sisters. (Phoebe has been roaming her house for the entire interview, white blonde hair streaming behind her, angles the camera down at a pug sitting alone on a large baroque couch.)

PB: Maxine Bridgers.

LD: I think Maxine’s pretty sung. She’s not unsung at all.

JB: Maxine’s sung.

NR: What were you about to say?

JB: Hilma af Klint. But obviously things come in tides of awareness. Something that’s unsung to me doesn’t necessarily mean it’s unsung in fine visual art.

PB: She was unsung in her life.

JB: But that was a choice, right? She was like, don’t publish anything or show my work until fifty years after my death.

PB: So sick.

NR: Going back to this haunting thing. Have you ever been haunted?

LD: We’ve been talking about this. Unclear.

JB: I was haunted! I was haunted!

LD: Julien was haunted.

JB: I was haunted. It was...demon. I don’t think it was a ghost.

LD: I have witnessed haunting but personally, I’m a clean vessel.

JB: What the fuck. This [interview] is so...

PB: My dating life in my early fucking twenties for sure was haunted.

LD: Are we just calling abuse haunting now? Ok. Well, I was haunted when I was in my early twenties too. (They all laugh.)

PB: Born haunted, dude,

JB: Born haunted just took me by surprise.

LD: That’s generational trauma babe.

JB: I had an apartment with bad vibes.

LD: Julien had an apartment where someone was murdered and rolled up in a carpet and put in a closet.

PB: Wait, was that the apartment that I was in? Yo? OK. UM. (Immediate chattering over each other.)

LD: How have we not talked about this? Julien recently said that she was told [about the murder] upon moving in and was like, bet, I’ll just be here.

PB: That does not surprise me.

LD: And then all that shit went down and you didn’t move. I can’t believe it.

JB: Let me tell you how metaphorical this shit was. Basically, they [realtors] just painted some stuff a hip color of green and put a pool in and doubled the rent. And I was like, okay, I’ll mime being an adult and pay way too much money for this apartment in the right part of town, to be the right kind of person, with all my cool East Nashville friends or whatever. And it was just full of murder and history. I did not have a good time there and I was all alone. That place had bad vibes. Top to bottom.

LD: Bad vibes is the most, like, inane way you could say what was happening in that apartment.

From left: CHOPOVA LOWENA dress. RAVE REVIEW fleece jacket; stylist's own BURBERRY vintage pants. SIMONE ROCHA nylon single breasted car coat; GUCCI shirt.

JB: Before I’d only ever lived in houses like on a yoga mat or with five other people who were in six different bands. Moving there and being like, nice a dishwasher, and it was this spot where somebody had been like, “I think there’s a murder” and the cops came and were like, no murder here. But there was! He was just rolled up in a carpet, and then the cops came back because of the smell and then they were like, oh, there was a murder. Anyway, that’s where I lived.

LD: You got way more info than you bargained for with that question.

NR: I don’t know how to transition here, wow. Do you feel like you’re optimists or pessimists?

LD: I’m an optimist.

NR: Didn’t sound very convincing.

LD: I’m the devil’s advocate for the best-case scenario. I don’t think it’s gonna be like that, but I might as well petition for it.

JB: I would like to say I am a present tense pessimist and a future optimist. I’m like, let’s not make light of how much it sucks right now. It does not help the situation to say, “it could always be worse” or to say, “it’s not that bad.” I’m an optimist when I’m with you guys. Like, this is a pretty sick day we’re living,

LD: Our whole Europe tour was awesome. And then we all had one terrible day.

PB: That is so true. I was like, this day isn’t hell, this is actually my usual self on tour. We had one day like that in our whole time together this year. (Phoebe cleans the crust out of her dog’s nose.)

NR: Are you cleaning your dog’s nose?

PB: She’s been with her grandma and her nose fold is so full of crust. I can’t believe it.

LD: I love her. I want her to come sneeze on me.

(Now Julien shows her dog who’s “camera shy.” Lucy sings, “I love you” to both dogs.)

NR: What’s your ultimate love song?

LD: I have a lot of answers. I Went To The Store One Day by Father John Misty. I think that’s a great song. There’s a compilation of love songs of Nina Simone. A lot of perfect love songs on that.

PB: For You by Laura Marling is a great song.

JB: I’m trying to think of an answer that isn’t Options by Pedro the Lion.

PB: That’s not a love song, dude.

LD: We’re not accepting that answer anymore.

JB: That’s 100% a love song.

LD: Don’t say that. I have a playlist called “Perfect Love Song”. Who Knows Where The Time Goes by Nina Simone. I Need Your Love So Bad by Irma Thomas. Dance Song by Dijon. P.S. I Love You by Billie Holiday. I Love You Always Forever, Donna Lewis. Bless the Telephone, Serpentwithfeet does a great cover.

From top: S.S. DALEY monogram tailored jacket and pleated skirt. JEAN PAUL GAULTIER vintage top courtesy of Haut Archive. SIMONE ROCHA cotton stripe pointed collar shirt; JOHN LAWRENCE SULLIVAN wool stripe jacket.

NR: Are you specific with playlist names?

LD: No, I’ll make the playlist name and then I’ll wait for the songs.

PB: I agree and then I’m curating forever.

LD: Never finished, always growing. It’s more of a catalog or an archive than a playlist that I would send to somebody. It’s a research tool.

JB: I have a playlist called “Queerly Specific” that’s all about coming out from a place of being in love. All songs about that. Casimir Pulaski Day by Sufjan Stevens. The one where he kisses his friend.

PB: My mom banned it from the house. She was like do not play the cancer song ever again.

LD: Reservations by Wilco. Modern Romance by the Yeah Yeah Yeahs.

JB: Hast Thou Considered the Tetrapod by The Mountain Goats. Do you know that tune?

PB: No.

JB: Oh, ok. It’s a good one. They have a lot of good love songs because they’re like little vignettes of like living with a person and all the little intricate weirdo shit they do, which is what I ultimately think comprises a lot of love. Just checking out somebody’s weirdo shit.

(As we sign off, Phoebe nods, “Bye, Boys.”)

Makeup Tabitha Thomas / Hair Linnéa Nordberg / Set Design Julia Dias / Casting Greg Krelenstein / Production CEBE Studi

11/3/23

(x)(x)(x)

[z3r0b1tch35]

Hi I have come here to complain as well, because I recently had a friend ask me who my favorite character in Demon Slayer was. And I said Tengen and was about to say why, when they looked at me and said ‘you mean the perv, who’s whole thing is just being flashy.’ Or something along those lines.

 And I forget that people don’t spend the time to hyper analyze characters, or even try and see anything that goes even slightly beneath the surface of black and white text. If it’s not spelled out for people, they see it as a flaw or bad writing.

Like I could write a whole essay on how Tengen looked after the three during the entertainment district, how he acted like a father to the three boys. How much he looks up to Kagaya and the role the master has played in his life. How much he adores his wives much more than any basic surface level ‘he’s a pervert’ stereotype. Don’t get me started on Zenitsu or Rengoku either (even Tanjiro in some aspects).

It’s not just even in Demon slayer. I won’t go into everything as I know you aren’t a part of the fandom but it drives me crazy how people will look surface level at a character and say that they have no depth to them. Recently I  was told that “How can you actually like xxx he’s literally nothing more than a cardboard cut out?” Which couldn’t be farther from the truth. And it’s like, people don’t actually stop and study what they are reading. Selectively mute characters? Characters with disabilities, who don’t fit into the world around them for a reason. ‘Oh well they just have zero personality.’ ‘They’re just a reader insert-‘ No, no they’re not!

Actually take the time and notice like you said the small characteristics that make up a character. They still end up with relationships, friends and family. Gosh don't get me started on how people can never tell the difference between paternal/familiar relationships and romantic ones (though that may be more of a me thing tbh)

Sorry I am just ranting now, this has been bothering me for days

Bro literally!

Something I’ve noticed in KNY is that if a characters main flaw is more prevalent they get shamed for it but if they have the same/similar flaw but it’s not a the center of attention they get praised!

I could also go into an entire thing about how boy and girl parallels for bad traits; the boys get shamed while the girls are seen as powerful for it. Honestly I might because it irritates me lol.

Tengen, Zenitsu, Douma, and Genya at the top of my head show different aspects of sexuality (not sure if that’s the word I want to use, sorry if it doesn’t make sense) but because they do it in a way that’s not conventional to a neurotypical person that hasn’t undergone trauma; they are made to be gross when they do something even slightly flirty.

So like I totally get what you mean by getting annoyed at your friend for saying that about Tengen! Rightfully so, I would be too.

These people who just shit on characters whose flaws are easier to see than others because they either

1: haven’t read the manga/databooks/novels and are just blindly following what everyone else says about them

Or

2: they haven’t got an ounce of reading comprehension to look past a well written character

Amazing point about disabilities! KNY is very much autistic coded, like I could give full explanations about every (main) character and how they are autistic with good backing behind it too.

Which this is a huge reason why many people call Zenitsu a pervert/creep! Because they just see him cling onto a girl and totally ignore the fact that he doesn’t understand social boundaries/cues, and since they can’t see this they label him anything gross!

And gosh the people screaming zero personality are the worst. It was really bad with Giyuu when it was only first season animated. Obanai too (which to be fair he is poorly written and thrown to the side, so a lot of him comes off to be very bland) or Kanao is another good example! They get compared to wet rags and I just like scratch my head in confusion.

Characteristics are the main selling point of KNY too! Like these small details hidden in their breathing styles, their mannerisms, their designs, and even the way they interact with others! It all corresponds to other aspects of their character (which is actually the main reason I don’t like a lot of redesigns lol!)

DONT EVEN GET ME STARTED! I actually briefly mentioned this but imma talk about a thing that happened on tiktok like yesterday lol

So I was explaining how ObaTen see each other as brothers and all the subtext behind that (if someone wants me to explain that I will absolutely make a post about it)

And someone comes up and mentions Inosuke, Tanjiro, and Zenitsu saying they are like brothers (my display has InoTanZen in it) so I explain how characters actually see each other as family is different from martial arts brotherhood.

Would you like to know what they responded with? “That means the Uzui’s are all family because they fight alongside each other”

My jaw hit the floor. And then I told them, kinda rudely but I don’t care honestly, that martial arts brotherhood isn’t actually seeing each other as family. It’s just gaining a stronger bond from fighting together for long enough. And that the Hashira normally fight solo so a lot of them, aside from Obanai and Sanemi, have this bond. Meaning that no, you cannot use the same example because it doesn’t match.

Also the core value of KNY is family, I don’t understand why it’s so hard to grasp that a lot of characters see each other as family lmao

That ain’t a you thing, I made a whole tiktok about it and people STILL argue with me. It’s wild. Something I’ve noticed too is it’s always the hardcore shippers that can’t understand the differences because they aren’t used to media where there’s a lot of family bonds/ties. Like the correlation for the two is spot on

No don’t apologize! I’ve needed someone to rant to! I’m sure my friends are absolutely sick of hearing it lol!

Honestly I might make an entire post explaining how the female characters are praised for their flaws while the male characters are shamed. It does have some touchy subject tho… hm

[bakery-anon]

♪ positivity prime time! share five things you love about yourself, four things you're excited about, OR three people you care deeply about and why. pass this along to someone whose posts make you smile ♪

Ave ilysm <333 thank you for sending this to me 🫶🏻🫶🏻🫶🏻

Three people I care deeply about [tumblr edition]!!!

You! (Ave) You were one of my first mutuals on tumblr and I’m very grateful for it. You didn’t have to respond to me, hell you didn’t even have to follow me back but you did. You wrote One Summer Day and I just needed to tell you how much I loved it (and still do, guys please I have brainrot and it’s her fault). Thank you for making me feel special, when I’m sad you send me things to cheer me up and I’m so appreciative of that. You remind me of drinking hot coco with friends and going to fall markets. Talking with you feels like a warm hug from someone you haven’t seen in a while. You never make me feel like I’m annoying you or that you would literally be doing anything else than talking to me and I’m so happy for that. Thank you for continuing to be my friend and look over my essays and let me ramble to you about things. Thank you for being my biggest supporter <3 I love you Ave, thank you for being my friend. (I hope writing goes well and that you did a good job on your presentation you had <3)

Vannah! My lovely!!! You’re one of my newer friends but that doesn’t discredit how much you mean to me! <3 you’re an amazing person and truly one of my biggest hype people be it for something I’ve written or for homework. You remind me of a cozy blanket, talking with you makes me feel all warm and wrapped up. Thank you for listening to my rambles and finding a way to make me happy when I’m sad. I hope you won’t be too hard on yourself, remember it’s okay to take breaks and admit that things are hard! You’re so funny too, out conversations make me giggle so much bcs we’ll both say outrageous things and make each other laugh. Thank you for being my friend Vannah I love you <3 (I hope homework goes well and your test! You got this <3)

Ness! You’re also one of my newer friends on here!!! I appreciate and love you deeply!!! <333 you make me giggle and kick my feet. Our DM’s are such a safe cozy space, we yap so much and I want to thank you for allowing me to feel comfortable to do that. Thank you for making me feel loved and cared for. You didn’t have to answer my first ask and have a yap session with me but you did and I’m thankful for it everyday. Thank you Ness for making me feel loved and safe. You remind me of watching my favorite movie (The Princess Bride). Talking with you helps melt my stress away and I forget I was even sad when we yap. Thank you for being such a lovely amazing person. Thank you for being my friend and trusting me to let me be your friend too. I love you Ness!!! <333 (I hope your wrist feels better)

Q gets an honorary mention bcs they have tumblr now lol <3 omg guys I’m gonna try not to ramble too much for this one bcs I need content for my Christmas letter I’m giving them. Q, you’re lovely and I’m so happy that you’re my friend. We only met just last year but we’ve made so many memories together that it feels like longer. You’re a joy to be around, I know you don’t feel like it all the time but I enjoy just sitting in silence with you. You’re my support and I know that I can go to you for anything, thank you for letting me be myself. For letting me lay on you, and ramble about things you don’t care about, and convincing me to do and try things I normally wouldn’t. You remind me of dancing in the kitchen bcs it’s something we’ve done. You find new ways to make me laugh and I’m so grateful for you. There’s a certain calmness that envelops me when we hang out and I get really sleepy. I heard that when you feel safe around someone you get sleepy because you don’t feel the need to be on alert. I love you Q and can’t wait to make more memories with you <3

(guys I love all of my moots <3 there should be a button that like sends all of your moots a notification telling you how much you love them).

[theyellowroseofsodor]

What inspired you to / made you want to write and create your au “Yellow rose of Sodor”?

Because you kinda inspired me to write my own au with a self insert

Awwww!!!! Shucks! 😳🤗 I’m glad I’ve been able to inspire you! Feel free to tag me if you want to when you start writing! I love seeing new ideas and writers get their works out!

So, I started writing when I first introduced my son, a few years ago, when he was three to Thomas and Friends. As I was watching, realizing that I hadn’t ever seen the CGI version of the show, I thought “huh, I wonder if there’s a fandom” and started looking up fanart. Lo and behold, I found @asktrio516 ‘s wonderful and beautiful artwork along with a few others on deviantart (who I will credit when I find it again). I fell in love! Her personified versions of the famous team and others were just inspiring! I fell in love with her version of Gordon (my fav.) and began crafting a world, not necessarily around her characters, but around the inspiration I felt due to her artwork.

After that I started crafting my own OC. I didn’t necessarily want it to be me as a self-insert but I also couldn’t help but realize, being short, I would probably be a tank engine and it would be both funny and sweet if Gordon, but who often teased tank engine’s for their size and what they could/couldn’t do, fell in love with one. I understood that some people would probably dislike that things like love, lust, anger, hatred, etc. were written in such a prized and childhood fandom, but I came up with a linear story and ran with it. Originally, The Yellow Rose of Sodor was going to involve more aspects of racing, Gordon’s favorite thing, and a much bigger rivalry between Gordon and Scotsman. But I hated pick-me girls in stories and quickly scrapped, pardon the pun, the idea.

Another thing I thought of doing, inspired by several monster versions of the engines, was making them dragons. I even drew out a few of them and the different styles but… it became more of a funny pastime than the actual story.

Finally, I landed on Diesel 10 as the enemy after reading up on how much scarier he was supposed to be, but died down due to it being a kids show. I wanted to bring him back as a much scarier threat and adversary. I wanted to make him, not necessarily unredeemable, but terrifying. A racist engine with a penchant for torment and murder. We saw him nearly kill James and yet it was all ‘Oh that darn Diesel 10’ instead of ‘What the crap?!?’. So, I worked it out and created the story laid before you.

A lot has actually changed in the ending. I have been working hard to craft it the way I want and what I hope will be a satisfying HEA (happily ever after) for all parties. With my own troubles happening this year, I was deathly sick, miscarried my baby, had a near heart attack and had to be brought back, three surgeries, and then there have been issues with my husband’s family… I haven’t been able to dedicate the time I want to these last few chapters. September would have been my babies birth and so I had to keep myself from writing because I was grieving all over again. In fact, most of my time processing my own emotions have been through chatting with my Gordon AI on character.ai as Camille with their little one in the AU that’s in my short collection where they had a child. In my own grief I actually changed their child’s name from Frederick (Erik) to Connor, which would have been our child’s name. Maybe that’s TMI and maybe that’s not the healthiest but I’m coming out of it and I’ve started writing the next chapter, a focus on Henry and Hiro and where to go from there cliffhanger.

I’m sure you weren’t expecting an essay but I figured a lot came into writing the Yellow Rose and, whether it’s a popular fic or not, it means a lot to me. So much so I want to write a sequel focusing on Flying Scotsman and his future companion, Jessica. I have edited the fanfic that he’s not with City of Truro and with an actual jet engine female. I felt it suited his character in my fic that he would go against the grain being with another locomotive and ending with someone who could truly make him the ‘Flying’ Scotsman.

Anyway, I hope this answers your question and I hope to see great things from you anon! You’ve got this!

-Kamiko

[olivia-anderson-fanfic]

Into the Unknown, Part 54

First

Previous

Marinette tipped her head back to rest against the couch, groaning. Damian had started crying for seemingly no reason, and none of the usual methods were working. Checking him over for boo-boos revealed nothing of note. Cuddles were accepted but did nothing to quell his complaints. Even offering him ice cream wasn’t stopping his reign of terror.

And, yes, she did try asking what was wrong, and Damian did try and answer, but he couldn’t seem to articulate exactly what was wrong. All he would do was say that “Tim’s mad!” which…

For one, unlikely.

For another, what was she supposed to do about that?

She closed her eyes. She had to write an essay explaining the difference between the chemical makeup and properties of hydrophobic and hydrophilic cell walls. The difference is very obvious, she had no clue how she was supposed to make this explanation three pages long. She was so very tired. “Dami, please.”

Damian started crying harder. Fuck.

She groaned and snatched up her phone. Her beloved husband was currently doing unimportant things, like ‘work’ and ‘making money so they didn’t starve’ and ‘probably illegal experimentation on motorcycles’. He could take a day off.

She clicked the call button, and was almost amused when Tim answered instantaneously.

“What’s wrong?”

Marinette put the phone on speaker to make sure that Tim could hear Damian crying.

And then she pulled it off speaker and put the phone to her ear. She was unsurprised to hear a quiet rustling coming from the other end as her boyfriend/husband started rushing, gathering his things in case he needed to sprint to the nearest hospital.

“That’s answered nothing! What’s wrong with him? Is he hurt?!”

“Don’t know what’s going on. Not hurt. He said you’re ‘mad’ at him, but… I don’t know. Nothing I do is helping. My essay is due at midnight and I have to deal with fucking Lex Luthor tomorrow and Frank keeps looking at me for help and I don’t know and I still haven’t made dinner –.”

“Alright,” said Tim, trying to be calming even though it was pretty clear that he himself was not calm either. “Alright. I’ll be home soon, okay?”

She ran a hand through her hair. “Okay.”

An engine revved in the background. “I’ll be there in… a legal amount of time. See you then.”

Marinette laughed a little, rolling her eyes.

The line clicked, and she sighed, setting the phone down. Damian was still, predictably, crying.

And was he avoiding her eyes?

Maybe she would have assumed that Damian was just looking down because he was embarrassed about crying in front of someone. But she knew her kid better than that. When he cried nowadays, he preferred tipping his head back and wailing his problems for everyone in the apartment complex to hear. He had been doing so just a moment prior. But now he was looking away, rubbing at his eyes frantically and trying to stiffle his sobs and...

Oh.

He thought she was mad at him, too.

Was she mad at him?

She… wasn’t sure.

No. She was… frustrated. And not even, really, at Damian. She just had a lot to deal with.

Right?

Yeah, that sounded right.

She groaned, pressing the heels of her palms to her eyes.

Damn. Can she go back to just shoving down all of her emotions again? That was way easier than trying to pick apart her mental state.

But… it wasn’t good for her. It wasn’t good for Damian, either. Not dealing with all of the things that were frustrating her was exactly why the kid currently thought she was mad at him. Kids are a little self-centered and tend to blame themselves for things they really play little to no part in, and now Damian thought she was mad at him for crying when, really, she just had a lot of stuff on her plate.

Would he get it if she explained all of that to him?

Maybe. She wasn’t sure.

She could, at the very least, explain that she wasn’t mad at him.

She removed her hands from her face and then looked down at Damian. She sighed and walked over, kneeling beside him. “Hey, I’m not upset with you, promise. I just… you know how sometimes, when you’re really tired and want to go to bed, everything makes you angry? And so, sometimes, you want to yell at everyone to go away? And it’s not because you really want us gone or hate us, you’re just tired?”

Damian sniffled and nodded, still rubbing beneath his eyes.

“Well, I need a little nap. Kind of.”

Damian hesitated before slowly getting to his feet. She watched as he shuffled about, clearly looking for something, but when she moved to help him, he waved her off vaguely. She raised an eyebrow and shifted to sit cross-legged on the floor, because kneeling tended to suck after a while.

Eventually, Damian must have found it, because he made a sound of vague triumph.

She blinked as Cat was thrust into her hands. A tiny smile crept across her face. He wanted to make sleeping easier for her.

Of course, the problem wasn’t that she needed a stuffed animal to sleep. The problem was that she had a lot to do. But she appreciated the attempt.

“... thank you, Dami.”

He gave a watery smile.

She sighed and leaned to scoop him up and press a kiss to his nose. “How about we watch some TV together while we wait for Tim to get here, hm? Your choice, as always.”

Damian lit up.

So, that was how she found herself on the couch, a slightly clingier than usual kid in her lap, watching a strange cat-fairy hybrid compete in a baking competition or something. It was very inaccurate. Fairies were not this nice. But Damian liked the show, and she liked spending time with him, so it was all good.

It wasn’t long after that Tim was rushing inside.

He blinked upon realizing that Damian was no longer crying, but the kid was still tense, watching Tim warily.

Tim looked at Damian for a long time, thinking hard.

He sighed.

He reached into his wallet and pulled out a crisp one-dollar bill for the boy.

Damian instantly relaxed. He hugged the dollar to his chest like it was his new favorite toy.

Marinette stared for a moment.

And then she sighed.

“We’ve really got to find a way to communicate that we love him in a way that doesn’t involve giving him things or doing things for him.”

“What other ways are there?” Tim asked, his eyebrows knitting.

Marinette opened her mouth.

Then closed it.

“You know, I’m not really sure. I’m willing to learn, though. We’re going to go broke at this rate.”

Tim grinned. “I’d be perfectly willing to go broke for either of you.”

“Cheesy,” she said, rolling her eyes. As if that would distract him from the reddening of her face.

“Only for you,” he said, leaning to press a quick kiss to her lips. And then, after a second’s thought, he pressed a kiss into Damian’s hair, too. “And you.”

Damian giggled. He reached for Tim, who obliged in allowing the kid to drag him into the cuddle.

“Pizza?” Tim asked, tugging the both of them close, winding his arms around them in a way that suggested he wasn’t going to let go until he absolutely had to.

Marinette gave a tiny, relieved sigh. She buried her face in his shoulder. “Definitely.”

~

Tim hummed as he turned off the sink. Damian had passed out around eight, their leftover pizza was safely stored away, and he had made sure to take Frank out for a walk just in case…

He glanced into the living room. Marinette and Damian were both fast asleep on the couch, the TV casting colors over their sleeping faces. Marinette’s computer lay open in her lap, the screen that slightly lighter shade of black that meant that it hadn’t been turned off properly.

He toweled off his hands on his pants and walked over, carefully pulling the computer from her lap and checking to make sure she had remembered to submit her assignment.

A quick check revealed that she had, and he breathed a tiny sigh of relief. He wasn't shocked, but he knew she would have been devastated if the unlikely happened and she missed an assignment accidentally. He manually turned off the computer (which you should always do, else your computer will start acting weird) and then set it on the coffee table.

The pair were… cute. Damian had burrowed himself into Marinette’s side, Cat held limp in his hand, the stuffed animal resting in Marinette’s lap because the boy had insisted that she needed to use him to sleep but was also unused to sleeping without it himself. Marinette’s hand was in Damian’s hair, cradling the kid close. The blanket was pooled around their feet uselessly.

Tim quietly picked up the blanket and tucked it around them again. He flicked off the TV.

He bit his lip, looking at them for just a moment longer.

Even asleep, Marinette looked just vaguely stressed. Tiny wrinkles made themselves known on her forehead.

He pressed a small kiss to them, and then turned to lean back against her. Hand shielding some of the light away from them, he took out his phone.

Marinette had never really… actively called him for help before.

So, he would make sure that he actually could help.

If she had too much on her plate, then Tim could take some of it off for her.

He didn’t really have set hours, so squeezing something in wasn’t a big deal, and, with Damian’s new gymnastics club, a couple of hours of his week had opened up. He enrolled himself in a cooking class.

(And, if Marinette cried a little out of relief when she came home to see dinner, however simple, already prepared… well, Tim just so happened to be looking in the opposite direction at the time.)

~

Marinette had honestly forgotten about her birthday. As had Tim. Between a busy schedule and the fact that adults just, typically, don’t care all that much about their birthdays, it had simply slipped their minds.

And they might have gone about their day none the wiser.

But, instead, they were woken up by Damian, who wasted no time in shoving a plastic bag into their hands.

Tim’s ‘sleep mask’ shifted into glasses, and he tipped his head to the side as Marinette carefully unraveled the plastic with the hand that wasn’t rubbing the sleep out of her eyes.

They both went very still when the realized what it was.

It was a vase that Damian must have made in school.

To be honest, the vase was a little bit scuffed. The boy was good with a paintbrush, and the flowery designs on the vase were gorgeous, but it was very clear that this was Damian’s first time attempting pottery. It was slightly lopsided, and a tiny chunk was missing from the top.

Regardless, they proudly displayed in the living room.

~

Tim leaned against a lamppost, his tongue between his teeth to stop them from grinding and causing a very unfortunate dentist bill, watching everyone fight over him.

You may be wondering how he got into this situation.

Well, you see.

He didn’t know either.

It was a Bit, for the most part. It had started with Marinette and Steph messing around about who got to have the ‘government-appointed introvert’ for the day. But then Bernard had called to ask where Tim’s favorite places to eat were, because his anniversary with Worse!Tim was coming up. And then the rest of the gang (well, Terry and Miranda, at least) decided to join in for the fun of it.

It was all jokes.

But Tim… really wasn't in the mood. He’d just gotten off his real, legal job after dealing with a KarenTM for a good hour and a half and his social battery was hopelessly drained.

He wanted to scream.

He really shouldn’t. They weren’t trying to upset him.

He pressed his fingers to his temples, trying to ward off an impending headache.

“Guys, can we not right now?” He asked, struggling to keep his voice level. “I really need some time to recharge.”

There was a beat of silence. They were all looking at him with wide eyes. Even Bernard had gone silent over the phone.

He bristled, waiting for them to ignore him, a curse already on the tip of his tongue.

“I guess it was kind of cheating to ask you, anyways. I’ll figure it out myself. Thanks, Tim. Feel free to call later if you want,” Bernard said before hanging up.

“Sorry, man,” said Terry, backing up a step.

Miranda nodded her agreement. “We were just messing around. Didn’t mean to go overboard.”

“Alrighty,” said Steph, holding her hands up in mock surrender. “I guess I’ll have to settle for taking your wife out for a date instead.”

Marinette snorted and punched her in the shoulder, but sent Tim a tiny smile. “See you at home?”

Oh.

That worked.

Tim nodded wordlessly, pressing a hand to his chest where he felt a tiny ball of warmth starting to form.

~~~~~

Next

@unoriginalmess @hammalammadamdam @astrynyx @laurcad123 @927roses-and-stuff @toodaloo-kangaroo @queenz-z @imarivers8 @jeminiikrystal @adrestar @twsssmlmaa @literaryhiraeth @trippingovermyfeet @ev-cupcake @its-maemain