#i have to get this essay out now or i'm gonna explode

[puffyducks]

DCRC Week #16

Wiggity what's up my fellow book clubbers, today we're taking a look at the ethics of treating artificially made intelligent lifeforms as second class citizens and what the qualifying factors are to determine a being as truly "sentient" and deserving of basic social rights. And by that I mean we're reading PKNA #12: Second Draft which is a comic where nothing bad happens!

This post is LOOONG btw.

okay we're just gonna start off our comic as normal and-

WOAH who's this handsome young devil in his little fancy suit??? What's that? Head of Ducklair Industries?..... yeah sure that makes sense I think.

Everett Ducklair 🤢🤢🤢 get a job stay away from him. Also this is a really nice way of saying you had to stop him from being overtaken by insane homicidal tendencies and putting guns in all his inventions btw

Haha woah what was that. Did the fabric of reality just tear for a second there or did my ADHD meds just kick in. Probably just me.

MASTER Donald???..... I don't even think I can write out the jokes I wanna make here they're too inappropriate for this blog sorry. But also what the fuck.

Uno stop mothering maybe I WANT to get frostbite and lose all my fingers

Not to take a sudden side tangent here but is this supposed to be like, a good thing? Don't the other seasons exist for a reason? I always thought fall and winter were meant to be like a cleansing period, they bring balance to the two other hotter seasons. If it's eternally spring, do some plants just never die? Are animals ALWAYS in the breeding season? Today we're going to overanalyze this one concept in an essay where-

OH MY GOD IT'S ODIN wait nevermind hiii Odin hiiiii. what's lookin good cookin. I mean- shit. fuck. shit.

I'm kind of obsessed with the way Odin is drawn in this comic. His whole body is all wiggly like a bendy straw. His stances go crazy.

gayass

Guys ever since I made that post about Odin's outfits and noticed that he's barefoot here it's been haunting me. Like it might just be a coloring error in this panel but also... why'd he take his shoes off. Also sorry for immediately revealing that it's Odin but um uhh I totally don't know who the OTHER cloaked figure is.

girlll you're giving away the game SHUT YOUR MOUTH

TWO Lylas?!?!?!

I'm loving Donald's shock lmao bro is fucking flabberghasted

This picture is so fucking silly bro. Nooo you can't put Odin in jail, he has such a nice suit on :(

Donald getting offended on Uno's behalf, not knowing that Uno is literally sitting right behind him. SURELY he'll figure it out eventually right.

Omg guys it's Geena!!! Remember Geena? From Portrait of the Young Hero? Anyways she has a gun now

Way to go Donald, you showed her basic empathy for like 2 panels and it gave her an actual sense of self value and NOW she thinks she deserves rights 🙄 she's gonna Detroit Become Human up in this bitch

beaming you with my evil lasers. what if he just fucking fried her brains here I think it would've been funny

Oh that's. probably bad.

ohhhh noooo.....

OOOOHHHH NOOOOOOOOOOOO

Ok so bad news, Geena fucking exploded and her droid rebellion is presumably over. The GOOD news though is that droids are destined to get their rights anyways, just in a less violent manor than in the timeline Geena had started. So... I guess that's a win?

Disappears in a cloud of beautiful sunset smoke... Goodbye Odin 👋

Donald. Please. DONALD.

Okay so there's a LOT to say about this comic (so much that I kept hitting the image limit and having to make edits to my post to make it more concise) but if I could summarize it into one word: damn. Like I'm just kinda sad now.

The whole concept of "do robots deserve to be treated like human beings" is a common argument to explore, we've seen it in all kinds of media before. The ethics that get touched on in this comic are nothing new, but I can't help but find this comic incredibly interesting to read in the year 2024. Maybe in 1997 the idea of robots integrating into our society seemed like a far-off concept, but in present day the ever-growing integration of AI technology really makes this chapter feel a little more close to home.

I mean, it's easy to be like "yeah, well of course the droids deserve to be treated like people." I mean, Lyla and Odin are droids, and we like Lyla and Odin! Odin is literally so lifelike that people don't even KNOW he's a droid. But I can't help but think about how this all ties back to the current ongoing debates surrounding the usage of AI, and specifically AI-made content. Obviously the AI we currently have is nowhere near the level of the characters in this series (chatGPT fucking WISHES it was Uno) but there's really interesting debates to be made here.

What qualifying factors determine whether or not a living being is deserving of the same rights we humans give to ourselves? Is it being biological? I mean, there are literally millions of types of animals on our planet, but we don't even treat them with the same level of respect we give to ourselves. So, is it intelligence? If we were to create a computer with the intelligence level of a living, breathing human person, would they be entitled to basic "human" rights? HELL IF I KNOW.

I love the way this comic handles exploring this topic. Geena isn't WRONG for wanting more, she's wrong in the way she went about it. Going as far as to literally alter the course of spacetime only further complicated things, for her AND for the other droids. Had Geena instead devoted her energy into droid advocacy in the modern day, things may have gone differently. This story isn't the end of droids getting rights, but it is unfortunately the end of Geena.

We ended on a happy note, but overall this story is a pretty melancholic one. Especially that whole "only machines can be rebuilt" like DAMN.

Anyways that's enough media analysis for today, time to take off my smart thinking hat and go back to being generally kinda stupid. I'm not gonna add anything about Angus Tales here at the end because I already hit the image limit lol. Umm shoutout to Angus Fangus for having like 110 parking tickets. Idiot.

[autisticandroids]

Have you read Apokteino's Bone Trilogy? What did you think of it?

i have! i've actually read all four of apokteino's big four darkfics. i like bone in that it's interesting and well written, but i really wouldn't recommend it or reread it, except in certain circumstances. this is because it's just like, a super miserable read. like it's not very fun and it's SUPER depressing.

however, it's a really interesting fic to compare to the rest of the big four because it has some unique elements, so i definitely recommend reading it if you're interested in it for that reason. all of the lesser triad can really be seen in various ways as dry runs for with understanding, though of course they also have their own merit outside that context.

i'm gonna try to rewrite the big comparison essay that tumblr ate on saturday. so, the following discussing will assume familiarity with the plot of with understanding, but not with the lesser triad of major apokteino darkfics, which are: hesitation, the when series (when all is lost/when the road is as dark as my fears), and the bone trilogy (bone/scarred/unbroken).

here are some various sources to read the now-deleted fics

also, before we start i'd like to thank @astermacguffin, who i've had a lot of conversations about all these fics with, and whose various posts on apokteino and darkfic and evil deancas i might not always agree with but have absolutely influenced me and my opinions on these fics. they're worth reading as background for this post. honestly i'd really just like to dedicate this post to aster because he's gonna love it.

anyway, four thousand words of discussion below. spoilers for all four fics, and obviously, trigger warnings for discussion of rape, abuse, and general violence under the cut.

so i'll start with plot summaries of the lesser triad.

hesitation

hesitation is a canon divergence from season four. in this fic, as part of his metaphorical seduction of dean to the angels' cause, cas is ordered under pain of death to literally seduce dean in order to ensure his loyalty. cas does not want to have sex with dean and is terrified, however, dean does not know this and thinks that cas is coming onto him of his own free will. dean is sweet and kind to cas during sex and works to ensure cas' pleasure, which kind of fucks with cas' head because the sex isn't actually consensual.

canon continues as in the show up through the beginning of season five, with the addition of dean and cas' sexual relationship (which continues consensually after cas rebels). however, cas has some obvious issues and trauma that dean doesn't understand, plus he gets slutshamed by some other angels, so dean eventually figures out something is up and gets cas to talk about what's going on. when dean finds out that he has been unknowingly raping cas, he freaks out, goes into a huge guilt spiral, and they break up.

however, eventually they work through their issues and get back together. happilyish ever after.

2. when

when is a canon divergence from swan song, the only difference being that instead of being resurrected as an angel at full power, cas is resurrected in the same state that lucifer exploded him, i.e., as a human/fallen angel. dean and cas continue hunting together instead of dean going to lisa.

dean resents the fact that cas was resurrected and sam (and to a lesser extent bobby) weren't, plus the fact that cas, now human and useless, cannot resurrect them. as a result, and for some other more complex reasons i will get to in the discussion, he channels his rage and grief about sam's death into beating and raping cas, which eventually evolves into just raping cas when he feels lonely and needs comfort.

cas accepts this because he is entirely alone in the world except for dean and basically trapped with him because he is cut off from heaven and has no human connections, but also because he feels on some level like he deserves it (as a representation of the heaven that has taken everything from dean), that he's useless and that to serve dean or be used by dean is his purpose. cas develops some extreme trauma responses to dean's treatment of him, most notably he blacks out whenever dean gets violent or makes moves to start raping him. cas also prays for mercy on sam's soul.

eventually, an angel comes down from heaven and informs dean that sam is no longer in hell and his soul is in heaven, because heaven heard cas' prayer. dean freaks out but doesn't really talk about it, and the violence against cas stops completely, but they don't discuss it. they continue hunting.

like in both canon and with understanding, law enforcement believe dean to be a serial killer. like in with understanding and unlike in canon, they are extremely motivated to catch him and a credible threat to his and cas' lives and freedom. dean makes a mistake that leads them to his and cas' temporary home base and cas is captured and arrested.

initially cas is treated as dean's accomplice, but once the police? fbi? i forget who catches him, i think it's the police, but who gives a shit, notice his extreme trauma responses and the signs of physical abuse on his body, they reconsider and classify him as a brainwashed victim. a police officer comes and talks to him and tries to get him to work through some stuff.

eventually dean turns himself in out of guilt for the shit he's done to cas and to save cas. he works through some stuff with police officers and eventually they let him see cas, who he apologizes to.

cas breaks out of protective custody and rescues dean, but forces dean to promise that cas will be in charge of everything from now on, and they go on the lam together. happilyish ever after.

3. bone

bone is the most extreme canon divergence. dean stays in hell much longer than in canon and becomes a hardened torturer. instead of season four happening, the angels decide to create their own apocalypse. dean is resurrected to a world where humans and angels are in open warfare against one another and angels are losing.

dean is a torturer for the human side, and tortures angels for information. but eventually he decides to try to brainwash and stockholm syndrome an angel instead, and he happens to pick castiel. it works, and castiel breaks and is taught to serve and obey dean.

however, once cas is broken, dean starts to develop affection for him, then sympathy, and then finally guilt for what he's done. they begin a sexual relationship. due to the brainwashing and stockholm syndrome, cas is intensely traumabonded to dean, but no one, including dean, knows how to undo that, and cas is given his own free choices, but he always chooses dean anyway. also, the tragic twist is that cas is the only angel this brainwashing could have worked on, because it turns out he is the one who raised dean from hell, which changed him, making him capable of emotion in a way other angels are not.

cas and dean exist in a society with other people who know their history, including anna and gabriel who are both unequivocally on cas' side, and their relationship is very much overseen by other people. everyone thinks it's fucked up, but there really isn't anything to be done about it. cas is brainwashed to a super extreme degree, and no one knows how to fix him, so they just let him stay with dean. happilyish ever after.

okay. now discussion.

so, hesitation is kind of the odd man out here, inasmuch as... it has the same basic premise as the other three, which is essentially that cas experiences sexual trauma that bonds him irrevocably to dean, despite the fact that dean was involved in creating that trauma, but in hesitation, it's not dean's fault. dean is in fact as much a victim as cas. i think hesitation is probably sort of... the furthest flung from the other three. there's definitely some stuff you can see that's connected to with understanding, particularly cas' self-victim-blaming and complicated relationship to his own desire for dean, but i think the nature of that difference puts hesitation in a really different category than the other three. because even if the traumabond was created with dean, it's still essentially the difference between a victim remaining involved with their abuser, and a victim of abuse getting involved with someone else and having to work through that. zachariah is the perpetrator in this case, not dean. and that's not to say hesitation is unrelated to the others! i used to think of hesitation as, well, rapefic for cowards, on account of the fact that it had all of the trauma of rapefic but dean's complicity was totally sidestepped. now that i know that it was part of this greater series, i like it a lot more. i would also definitely say that hesitation is the only one of apokteino's lesser triad i would genuinely recommend outside of the context of supplementary reading for with understanding. it's just a genuinely good fic and you should check it out. i recced it, actually.

when is kind of... well, when is definitely and fairly obviously the closest to an actual dry run for with understanding. and that makes it really frustrating because like... well, when isn't very good.

when basically has three major flaws, and one big virtue which makes the flaws even more frustrating.

the first flaw is that dean's characterization is just like. it's just nothing. like the justification given for him to be horrifically beating and raping cas is like. well, okay, in the first one, which is entirely cas pov, cas speculates about his motivation. the motivations he comes up with are that either 1) dean is punishing cas as a way of lashing out against heaven, since it's heaven's fault sam is in hell, or 2) dean is actively trying to send himself to hell to be with his brother. there may be more reasons that cas postulates, i forget, but those are two big ones, and they make sense. however, in the second one, we see dean explain himself:

Dean looks away. He's not sure if Fitz is acting like he wants to be convinced – or isn't convinced, and trying to prove it – to get Dean to talk, or because he actually isn't sure. Either way, Dean needs to the be the killer, for Cas's sake. "It's more like … more like long periods, where I'm out of my head. And I do things because that's what there is. Hanging on the rack or off of it." "The rack?" Dean makes an aborted attempt to wave a hand, cuffs pulling. "Tortured or torturer." "And you chose the latter." Pretty sick that he does – did – put Cas on the rack, instead of himself. "And I guess that's what makes me evil, isn't it?" He looks at Fitz.

and like, i'm sorry, but i'm not gonna mince words: that's dumb. it's essentially a semimystical answer to a psychological question. it just doesn't make much sense. and frankly it's out of character. i hate it.

the second flaw is that it's just too short. when you read when, you gain an instant comprehension of why with understanding needed to be four hundred thousand words, because in thirty thousand, when really can't quite cut it. the characters just don't have time to develop and change and learn in the same way.

the third flaw is the ending, and it's actually a flaw that when shares with with understanding, although in with understanding it's not quite as drastic. essentially, in the end, cas is back in the exact same position as he was at the beginning, with only dean's word standing between him and a resurgence of the abuse. dean's brutalization of cas, like in with understanding and unlike in bone and hesitation, is essentially domestic abuse behavior. dean isn't engaging with cas as an enemy, and he isn't engaging with cas under the influence of false beliefs. he's engaging with cas as his friend cas when he brutalizes him. while dean is no longer under the psychological stress of believing sam is in hell, and has had an epiphany about exactly how bad he fucked cas up, that doesn't necessarily mean things will change, or remain different. old habits die hard. nothing is stopping dean, once a new psychological stressor appears, from treating cas just the same as he had before, except his moral convictions, which didn't stop him the first time. he could easily find ways to justify himself. and on cas' end, he's just as totally dependent on dean materially as he was at the beginning of the fic, and while he's worked through some stuff and might run if dean started up again, he also might not, because it's not like a few conversations are enough to really teach new habits of mind.

and then like... the big virtue of when is that in concept it's soooooo good and juicy. the heavy emphasis on outsider pov, especially the law enforcement pov which is really a treat just like in with understanding, except i like it more in when because it's about canon cas rather than fbi agent cas who is a good protagonist for wu but way too comprehensible to his colleagues at the bau. the way that dean and cas escape and hide by depending on the kindness of someone dean's saved. the idea that dean is brutalizing cas because he's actively trying to go to hell to be closer to sam, which is just so juicy i can't stand it because it simultaneously gets at the horror of the brothers' codependency and also gets at dean's tendency to not care who he's hurting as long as he hurts himself worse. the fact that cas is like if you had asked i would have given you my body willingly!! the fact that cas was already in love with dean when the violations start!! that's so crazy to me!!

a version of when that's a hundred and fifty thousand words, where dean stays in prison for months while cas recovers and goes to therapy in some kind of group home but is also unable to really integrate into human society because he is genuinely alien. more emphasis, almost hesitation style, on the idea that cas already wanted dean, and cas having to pick apart what desire remains there from the horror of being repeatedly raped. like the most unsatisfying thing about with understanding, to me, is how cas isn't really cas, and how dean and cas have no prior relationship. and like i do like some of the stuff in with understanding that comes from that, such as the fact that cas kind of becomes canon cas via trauma in some ways, and the fact that with understanding is like a dark subversion of the soulmate trope, but it does kind of make me crave a version where cas is himself and deancas are themselves you know? and when could be that. a much more complex and comprehensive outsider pov where we dig into juicy elements that when leaves on the table, such as the speculation that cas may have been in a cult (and we dig into how the outsiders are obviously wrong but maybe on some level they were right). maybe also some outsider pov from hunters and/or people dean has saved such that we actually see outsider pov on the nature of dean and cas' relationship from people who understand more of the context, and also such that when cas breaks dean out and they go on the lam, they can at least partially integrate into a community that will keep their relationship stable. or perhaps, for a tragedy, we see their relationship begin to deteriorate again once cas is dependent on dean again. make dean's motivation be about going to hell with sam, and really dig into that, explore dean's willingness to hurt other people as long as he's also hurting himself. when could be the perfect fic. it literally could. just for me.

and then bone is like... the thing about bone is that most of my thoughts about it revolve around it being a kind of counterpoint to with understanding and when. like before i talk about it i'm gonna say a couple of the things i really like about it which don't have that much to do with that.

the experiential descriptions of cas' brainwashed state are so fabulous and chilling, and that is i think the thing from bone that really made it into with understanding, although in bone it's so much clearer and more visible, which, you know, on the one hand, feels less real, but on the other it's soooooo chilling, you're really forced to think about it, to consider cas' experience, plus it draws your attention to similar moments in with understanding and makes those much more unsettling.

the side character stuff is fabulous, i especially liked ellen and anna, but really all of it is good.

the thing where angels can't feel and therefore could never have been broken like cas was, but the fact that cas had saved dean from hell, had been changed by him, on some level already loved him, and that's what made him vulnerable to dean's brutality is like such a juicy little tragedy.

but like. now let's compare.

like, i already pointed this out, but when and with understanding both start from like, a kind of domestic abuse situation that is enabled by circumstances that don't really change. bone, on the other hand, is like... dean is originally engaging with cas as an enemy combatant, and this is enabled by the fact that they are on opposite sides of a war. but these circumstances do genuinely change. bone creates a situation almost more akin to hesitation, where the main conflict and question is: you end up with a cas who has this trauma bond created by trauma which is absolutely in the past, and it can't be gotten rid of, so how do you live with it? as opposed to with understanding and when where it's more like how do you keep dean and cas from backsliding into an already established abusive dynamic. and the thing is bone dean is still culpable, and the level of like... so traumatized he's barely a person anymore that cas is on in bone is unreal. but it's more a question of: dean is not going to backslide into traumatizing cas again, but how can dean be prevented from accidentally or on purpose taking advantage of cas' traumatized state? how can cas be helped to rebuild his sense of self, is that even possible? cas wants to stay with dean, but can that desire be taken seriously if it's a result of horrific damage inflicted on cas that must be recovered from? is cas' consent meaningful? what if cas can never recover, does that change the answers to the other questions? if he can never recover, is it alright to allow him to be happy with dean? these are all super crunchy questions and they're like a really fun alternate take on the same basic premise that hesitation, with understanding, and when are all taking on.

and like the thing about. okay i'm gonna talk about with understanding for a moment. the thing about with understanding is that it rests on all of this exceptionalism and individualism and psychologizing of dean's behavior. when actually a lot of it is circumstantial? like the thing about with understanding is that with understanding dean if he was in normal circumstances would probably be a manipulative, emotionally abusive person who would be likely to pressure people into things including sex, have absolutely zero boundaries, and might even be inclined towards some light stalking, but he wouldn't be kidnapping anyone. he would probably stay in the category of "super shitty boyfriend" rather than "fbi manhunt." but the thing is his circumstances aren't normal. like, if you are dean winchester in the world of with understanding, it's almost a sane thing to do to temporarily kidnap your soulmate just so you can meet once and then let him go. it's still really awful, but it makes circumstantial sense because you KNOW that that will allow you to meet in heaven, and otherwise he would arrest you. it's really bad, but it's not as insane a move as it would be if nearly anyone else did it. it makes sense. and then once you have your soulmate kidnapped temporarily, it's not that big of a leap to just... give into temptation and not let him go. add onto that the fact that dean is just used to kidnapping and torturing people (those people are usually demons, but still), has access to all of these sometimes magical tools and weapons and equipment and a bunker in the middle of nowhere, is totally outside society and has no external observers in his life to sanity check him and no one to really hide from, and is used to being on the wrong side of the law and totally confident that that won't be a problem for him, and it's like... yeah. like the thing is if wu dean had all the same personality traits but was a car mechanic, cas would never have been in that situation. and like, the way everyone reacts to dean like they're so shocked that he treated cas "well" and that he's so capable of a certain level of basic self-awareness it's like... well of course! most people who commit crimes like the one dean has are probably way more dysfunctional than dean is in various ways, because they need to get over more barriers like "fear of being caught" and "the realization that oh my god i'm planning a kidnapping" and "having to go to work and leave their victim at home" and other such trivialities that dean's lifestyle makes irrelevant. of course every crime is made possible by circumstance, but dean's situation is particularly unique.

but that doesn't mean that because wu dean is less dysfunctional than the average kidnapper, he's easier to fix with psychotherapeutic solutions. indeed, quite the opposite! the barriers to him committing horrific acts are inherently lower due to his circumstances, which means that he could be the healthiest guy in the world and he would still be a lot more dangerous than john q. average. to pull an example from canon: one time sam has a sexual fantasy about rowena and it freaks him out so bad that he yells at her and slaps her in manacles. this is a pretty horrifying and misogynistic act, but sam is like... he's a fairly regular guy. he has some hangups about sex, but not to an abnormal degree. but he does have a set of magic manacles, and an occupation that has desensitized him to violence and chaining people up, and a pre-bottled justification (she's evil!) that says it's okay to be violent to rowena, and so this happens. you get my meaning? so fixing wu dean with therapy is like... it's kind of the last thing i'd reach for, you know? it's cathartic for cas, but it's not effective.

and like wu dean's circumstances don't really change! hell, in the end, dean and cas are ONCE AGAIN isolated together in the wilderness. and sure, cas is kind of choosing to be there, but he's also trapped by the fact that he's a wanted fugitive. it's so much more effective than the cuff because there's no more soft landing waiting for him back in normal society, only a hard prison cot.

anyway the thing about bone is that in bone the change is almost all circumstantial. like yeah dean does have like a guilt epiphany and shit, and obviously the pathology of hell trauma does affect dean's actions as a torturer. but the problem and solution are not situated in that pathology. in the end, the main thing that happens to fix things is that cas is no longer considered an enemy, and he is integrated into a society which contains people who care about and can care for, keep an eye on, and sanity check both him and dean. there will never again be circumstances in which it is easy for dean to torture and brainwash him. you know? and that really highlights what's going on in when and with understanding.

[ponyguru]

Okay, I'm probably way behind everyone else, but I just watched Hilda Season 3 on Netflix, and I have Thoughts about the finale. (Behind a cut, since it's exclusively spoilers for the very last episode, ha! I'm not gonna tag this for the fandom or anything, I just feel like I have to vent this somewhere or else I'll explode!)

Okay, so I literally started this season thinking, okay, a guy wrote the original graphic novel, but it's not going anywhere with shitty takes on women, so that's great, right? I'm really happy with that, and relieved, because men generally seem to not be able to write women well.

And then we get to the last episode, and it's literally just "oh hey, your mom spends the entire series acting as the human Stick In The Mud who prevents her minor child from going on death-defying adventures, but it's okay! because it turns out she's actually a half fairy who lost her parents tragically when she's ten! Now she has them back!

Ohhhh wait, because we don't want to awkwardly fold these new fairy characters into the existing universe - erm I mean, for plot reasons, her parents who she tragically lost as a child can't ever come back to see her again! So being a mom is unending tragedy, with a deadbeat fuckboy ex husband, her only family being some bitchass aunt who spent her whole life lying to her, financial struggles, and completely cut off from the people she misses most, who she only got to see for a few hours before being ripped away from them again.

Happy ending for all, hooray! Fireworks!"

Like are you FUCKING KIDDING ME?

This ENTIRE SERIES is centered around the idea that "the established status quo is wrong, and Hilda is the one who can repair that balance even if it doesn't seem likely because she's just a little girl", but we get to the Fairy Realm, and suddenly it's "whelp, can't do anything, sorry mom! bye bye fairy family forever!"

The only saving grace for the series ending on a stupid-as-fuck note might be that, since it's the last season, they simply didn't have time to wrap things up in a better manner, and for all I know, the graphic novel has a completely different take on this whole situation. But seriously, I felt so bad for poor Johanna, whose entire character arc seems to be "get used to being miserable, honey, cuz you're not the main character."

Or, alternately, 'a mom's only meaning is in her child, and she has to sacrifice all happiness for herself for the sake of her child, because once women have children they cease to exist as individuals,' but maybe that's a whole other rage essay to type out. GRRRRR.

I'm sure the intended meaning was, 'ohhhh it's so woooonderful having a chiiiiild you'd sacrifice anything for them, including your own happiness', but that's bullshit because the entire series is about Hilda breaking down magical barriers/beings and making things work out for the better. But not when it comes to her mom, I guess???

[mysteriawrites]

Hiya! 

I hope I’m not too late! But if I am, then please feel free to ignore this or throw this out the window—your choice!

Anyways, Hello! Please call me Eris [they/her]. I would like to request a romantic matchup for both Oshi No Ko and Genshin Impact!

For some information to make your job easier, I am an ESTP and a Scorpio—also bisexual with a penchant for ladies!

Personality-wise, it's a bit tricky to explain. To new people, I come off as polite but cold. Especially if they are older than me, I mean them no harm, truly!

However, for my friends and loved ones, I do a complete 180! I love to shower them with affection, may it be gifts, words, actions, or anything! (I am also quite playful, chatty, and witty!)

I also love to have light-hearted banter. (Though, I do tend to find sarcasm flying over my head, so... oops?) Helping people is also something I enjoy doing, especially if it is something I am good at. (Which is usually just editing people’s essays or helping them out in English in general.)

As for hobbies, I don’t think I have that many. Reading and writing are my main hobbies. But, at the core of it, I enjoy creating and sharing my stories with people. Thus making me a fan of any medium that can do that, i.e., art, acting, or hell, even clay sculptures!

I don’t want to go too deep, so I’ll keep this as short and sweet as possible. I have trouble with my self-esteem, and how I cope is to internalize it and hide it from others. This causes me to not speak up about my emotions, instead bottling them up. Thus resulting in building a steady amount of resentment until it explodes.

However, my anger is usually quite short and only really lasts for a few hours at worst, so I usually take a day off or two to collect my thoughts. After that, I do go apologize to the persona and try to make up!

Anyways! Moving on~!

Sorry for the long request; this is my second time asking for a match, and I think my first one is being worked on. I don’t know; maybe it was thrown out the window? Anyhow! I hope you enjoy this request, and if you don’t, you know what to do!

Hello Hello thank you for the request. I don't remeber receiving an ask from you, I'd have to double check but I'm pretty sure the tumblr goblins ate it or something. (Also it is preferable for me for people to send me too different asks if they're gonna ask for multiple fandoms because I make mine real long so If you could send a second one for genshin that would be great) Now on to the matchup...DRUMROLL PLEASE!!!

🥁🥁🥁🥁🥁🥁🥁🥁🥁🥁🥁🥁🥁🥁🥁🥁🥁

ARIMA KANA!!!

(Fair warning I’ve only seen the anime and the anime isn’t finished yet so if i may be writing Kana a bit surface level here i apologize)

You and Kana are that cute rivals to lovers trope. Ever since you were young you two have been competing to reach the top of the industry to share your talent and passions with the world.

You met as two child actors auditioning for the same role when you were 2 or 3 years old. Two up and coming actors going for the same role of course led to some conflict of course.

Kana was confident that she would get the role over you due to being a “child acting prodigy”. You just nodded your head and went along with whatever she was saying (it wasn’t a huge film so there weren’t a lot of other girls auditioning so you two had a lot of time to spend together during the process). Apparently, she didn’t like that you seemed to be ignoring her ravings and deemed it a (one sided) competition between you two to prove a point.

To her dismay however, when it was your turn to audition you caused everyone’s jaws (including her’s) to drop and the directors immediately chose you without a second thought. From that day on a fire was lit with in Kana that one day she would surpass you and now you were rivals. You on the other hand didn’t think your performance was that great and didn’t understand why Kana was so determined to compete with you.

Years passed, you and Kana were moving up from child actors to rising stars. As you and Kana got more roles your self-esteem started to get in the way. You couldn’t help but compare yourself to her and her success. You didn’t understand what she saw in you worthy of deeming you a rival when she was so blindingly brilliant. But instead of making you feel worse about yourself, it made you determined to be better; to be worthy of being her rival.

You two finally met face to face again when you got into Yoto High’s performing arts program, and your rivalry was burning as intensely as ever. You two met up on the roof one day after class to catch up after the last few years. Despite having spent so long apart it wasn’t awkward at all, on the contrary it was full of laughs and fond memories. However, when you two were about to leave you talked about your resolve to not lose to the other (because dramatic).

When it was time for the biggest production of the year you both auditioned for the same part just like all those years ago. However, this time was different, this time she got the lead; and you were her love interest…

Despite the awkwardness you two were determined to stick to your parts. So, you two started to spend more time after school to make your performance as a couple more believable, going on “dates”, holding hands, and flirting. Although as time went on whenever you practiced particular flirtatious lines or holding each other intimately, it started to get hard and harder to tell whether the feelings were real or just acting…

When the night of the play finally arrived, you two performed amazingly. The two were so moved by your (powerful homosexual energy) realistic performance and (sexual tension) moving emotions you brought the audience to tears. And when you reached the kiss scene; you, Kana, and the audience all knew that that kiss was real. You got a standing ovation for your performance.

After the performance you and Kana pronounced your feelings for each other. That you would be each other’s forever rival and no one could ever compare.

You and Kana become such a sweet couple that it rots the teeth. You hold hands, have fancy dinner dates, cuddle in the park, cover each other in kisses, and and have gift giving wars.

When Kana joins the new B Komichi you support her every part of the way and try to help them get new members and advertise. You decided to stay an actress, but you used your connections to help get B Komichi some attention. When Kana was feeling insecure about being the front woman of the group, you reassured her that she was perfect for the role. She does the same for you whenever you’re feeling insecure about getting the lead in a film or show (which has been happening a lot because you’re that good).

Of course the paparazzi eats that up and stalks your relationship like crazy, but because you’re both famous people are a lot more supportive of it (cause the world is fucked up like that).

All and all you guys are cute and perfect for each other. You pick each other up and encourage one another to grow and be better performers and people.

Wow I got really carried away with this one. This ended up being heavily based on Revue Starlight (Maya Tendo x Claudine Saijo in episode 10 specifically good show highly recommend). I hope you like it I had a lot of fun with this one and I'm really proud of it.

Runners Up: no one because I like this pairing it's perfect.

[itsjaywalkers]

Lauriee!! Anon here who asked you about the advice on getting my fic out there haha

First of all I'm so sorry you had a shitty day, thankfully it passed so I hope today is better for you! And thank you so so so much for responding! I appreciate you taking your time to answer my questions and validating my fear haha

I'm still very scared to post it, but you made me feel so much more lighter to, so I'm gonna do it after I have read it and analyzed it probably for 33003 time you know just to make sure haha

I can't thank you enough, I didn't expect you writing me an essay, like I knew you were sweet but that sweet??? Any tips for that? Also I'm anon who told you that if you were a character you would be Pandora and here you are proving my point!

Anyways, I'll post it! And i do hope you see it, but it's very unlikely, but if you doo see it by any chance, I'll make sure to pop on here and tell you so!

Thank youu Lauriee, sending you so much love and joy and hugs and kisses!!!!<333

DARLING I JUST GOT UR OTHER ASK BUT I WANTED TO ANSWER THIS ONE FIRST <3

yesterday was a bit better (my best friend + my sister came to pick me up after work and we went home together) but today was Awful again.. the ice cream machine exploded and me and my manager spent 2 hours cleaning everything, we got a 42 ppl booking out of fucking nowhere and another one of 16 ppl?? at the same time?? i was at my limit, it was so bad that they let me sit down during the last hour of my shift, they kept feeding me red bulls and the chefs made me a pizza. remember that this is also my eighth day in a row

BUT ANYWAY no need to thank me at all babe <3 i'm always more than happy to help!! and it brings me so much joy to hear that my answer actually made u feel better about the whole thing. i get u on the overanalysing part, i reread everything i write before i post it at least a dozen times. until words barely look like words anymore

IM REALLY NOT THAT SWEET U GUYS ARE JUST TOO KIND TO ME and stopppp the fact that u were also the person that told me i give pandora vibes.. i cherish u even more now nonnie, u have my whole heart

IM SO PROUD OF U look at u go!! hell yeah!! manifesting that it'll end up in my dash somehow!! i'm sure it's Beautiful <333

sending u a hundred kisses MWAHHHH

[genericpuff]

pals, holy sweet mother of-

i was NOT expecting my asks to explode this last week after turning on anon asks

but i guess no one 'expects' explosions otherwise they wouldn't be as effective LMAO

so this is gonna be a general PSA/update to how I'm gonna be doing asks from here on out

my asks are currently a combination of LO crit, questions about Rekindled, and questions about art in general

I said a while back that I would try to start stepping away from LO crit because it just doesn't feel right to me anymore to continue discussing or giving attention to a comic that's flat out morally bankrupt. I stand by that original statement but I've been bad at actually, y'know, putting it into action LMAO Part of it is because 1.) picking apart LO is still very fun, and 2.) it's hard to talk about Rekindled without talking about LO because Rekindled was obviously built on the criticism and disappointment I've had for LO over this past year. If LO wasn't on fire right now, I wouldn't have any kindling to fuel the production of Rekindled.

That being said, as a general PSA, I also don't want people to take my opinion as some kind of Bible. Obviously a lot of people come to my blog because they share similar opinions and enjoy seeing my own takes on them and that's fine, but if you're someone who hasn't read the comic, while I'm spiteful enough to not want to see LO continue to gain attention, I still implore everyone to do their own due diligence and read the comic to come to their own conclusion and opinions, whether or not they happen to match up with my own. Because yes, sometimes even my own takes can be unfounded or easily refuted, and I don't want to be encouraging hivemind behavior from the crit side of the community either. I'll always encourage y'all to come to your own conclusions about the comic and argue my own takes if you wish, just be ready to bring proper defenses and an open mind because I don't tolerate sealioning.

SO!

Going forward, for the sake of my own sanity and fingertips, I'll be mostly prioritizing the following kinds of asks for public responses on my blog:

Questions/discussion about Rekindled

LO-related criticisms IF it's something new or interesting that hasn't been discussed before (because at this point I'm starting to repeat points that I've already made tons of times before or have been made by others that are easy to find through the hashtags or through archives)

Art-related stuff that's got a specific goal in mind. I have a few asks in my inbox right now that are along the lines of "how do you get better at art" and I can't feasibly answer that question in one blog post because that's like asking how one learns quantum mechanics. There are just too many facets of art to go over that I can't reasonably cover, and I'm one person, there are plenty of tutorials, lessons, and communities online that can give you way more varied resources besides just my own singular experience. So if you want to ask art questions, be specific, like if you want to know about shape language or how to do specific digital art tricks or something, that's fine. Just no general "how do I draw" type questions because straight up, learning how to draw is a long-term commitment and can't be covered in a single blog post LMAO

However, I don't like leaving questions unanswered for people either (many of you take much of your own time to send me these massive essays comparable to my own and I'd hate for it to feel wasted) so when it comes to questions that I do want to respond to but not pile up in my blog, I'll simply answer them privately from here on out. It just might take me a bit longer to get back to them so please be patient <3

[yoinkschief]

So does your Tord put hours of work into his ‘horns’ or does it just do that

Also how are the hyperfixations going

That's actually a question that goes a lot deeper than you think for Tord's characterization and his background I've given him for pretty much the some reason of he's become my comfort character accidentally, but to keep that ten hour rant that is bound to get off track short:

They're cowlicks :) and for Tori, depending on if she's in the same timeline as Tord (like Tori from the mirror reason versus Tori who can directly interact with Tord), I have hers vary

Tori has the same cowlicks in the mirror reason version, but in her same timeline version they're something she puts effort into, like a lot of hair product

Also the hyperfixations,,, they're,,,

They're doing what they do best

Like I have a DnD campaign tomorrow for characters I'm obsessed with, I just found out that Markiplier was supposed to be in the FNaF movie but couldn't because he was filming Iron Lung, Eddsworld continues to terrify me with the fact it's been like TWO YEARS NOW STRAIGHT that it's been my main focus, and I JUST SAW DOBYTHEALPACA THROW ME BACK INTO MY LUPIN III HYPERFIXATION WITH THAT FUCKING AU

Not to mention in the background of all that I'm working on a Video Essay script (not about Markiplier) about a show I loathe and fear to bring up for what may happen to me evoking the wrath of that fandom, have just finished Adventure Time after I said "I'm not gonna get super into this show" (spoiler alert: I did), and am watching the newest season of Lego Ninjago: Dragons Rising

I'm like

Literally going insane right now

I have no idea what's about to happen ? I might explode, I don't think I've ever had this many interests battling my attention so viscously but I think I'm managing to balance them well enough :)

[artofapeach]

Do you think all the characters sound the same for having some curses in their dialogue?

...

Okay. I need to go to my computer for this. Hang on.

...

There we go.

Alright, so I dunno if you were looking for a whole funking essay, but if you weren't, then you shouldn't have asked me, Momo Marie, certified story and dialogue nerd with a degree in English and a master in Writing Papers in 12 Hours or Less

Disclaimer: I'm gonna use a lot of sarcasm because it's funny but it is NOT at all meant to be hostile towards you anon. This is a totally innocent question and I'm actually excited to answer it :)

First, I need more specification on what you mean by "all characters sound the same for having some curses in their dialogue"?

I'm gonna assume you're talking about Helluva and Hazbin, I figured that part, but what do you mean by some curses in their dialogue? Are you asking if they talk the same because they all curse period? Because if so, easy answer! No. :)

More detailed answer!

Cursing itself is SO FUCKING VERSATILE. I actually kinda have a fascination with it (much to my mom's chagrin). It's like a whole nother language itself! And the way people use language tells SO much of their character.

Let's compare some characters cursing each other out, shall we?

In Spring Broken, when Blitz first sees Verosika, one thing he says is: "I'm surprised they let your fat ass out of rehab, I can see you're still a drunken WHORE clutching onto that Beelzejuice like its the last cock in Hell!"

Blitz is VERY colorful with his language. He knows how to adjust it so that he can properly insult whoever he's talking to. Verosika's a succubus and an alcoholic, so he personalizes the insults to fit her specifically. We've seen in the pilot that Blitz has NO QUALMS with using slurs, and while the show (thankfully) avoids using the more harmful slurs, he still mixes them in to hit right where it hurts. Blitz compares Verosika to a whore, not for other demons or humans, but for alcohol, she needs drink more than she needs cock.

This isn't the only time Blitz does this! In Loo Loo Land, Blitz argues with Robo Fizz: "Bitch, I make more money killing people than you do being a cheap ass robo ripoff of an OVERRATED, SELL-OUT JESTER!!"

Again, Blitz is crafting his language to fuck this robot in a way that it's all pain and no pleasure! First off, he's comparing money and, with Robo Fizz being in Greed and owned by Mammon, it's reasonable to think he might be sensitive to that. Plus, Blitz calls him a cheap ass ripoff, saying that Robo Fizz is nothing but a copy—and not even a good one at that.

Then he gets all heated in the last part, likely directing it more to the real Fizz than Robo Fizz, but this isn't a Blitzfizz essay, so I will refrain from that for now.

But honestly! The way Blitz curses very much reminds me of another character in another piece of media with such creative insults!

Karkat from Homestuck

They're both very creative with their language and can't just say "Fuck you!" They have to say more. And even here, they're different. Karkat crafts his like poetry trying to be as vulgar as he can and cramming in language until the swear jar explodes. While with Blitz, though we know he curses a lot, less is more! He focuses more on the traits of the person he's insulting!

Let's move on to another character—Moxxie!

In The Harvest Moon Festival, when Moxxie finds the angelic gun, this happens:

Moxxie: Oh my crumbs!...How-how in the fuck did he get one of these?

Striker: Why don't you ask me, little dude?

Moxxie: Shit! Why do you have this...M-Mister?

Moxxie is soooooo different when it comes to his language. Most of the time, he uses safer replacements for them (which I still consider language in how they're used, but language you can use around kids :D). He says "Oh my crumbs!" or he might go "Heavens!" But he still uses the big boys too—going "How the fuck?" as he was genuinely confused and flabbergasted that Striker had such a weapon. Then, when Striker was revealed to be behind him, Moxxie gets spooked and goes "Shit!"

Moxxie isn't a crafter when it comes to his language. It's purely for surprise, frustration, anger, strong emotions rather than hitting where it hurts. The only time he curses in the pilot is when he goes: "ARE YOU FUCKING TAPING US RIGHT NOW?" because he's that shocked and pissed that Blitz is interrupting them on such an intimate moment. Language is less of an art with Moxxie and more of a way to quickly express himself when he's got them negative feelings.

Now my personal fave: Charlie~

In the pilot, when she's deciding to accept Alastor's help for the hotel, she says: "So, Al, you're sketchy as fuck and you clearly see what I'm trying to do here as a joke. But I don't!"

*deep breath* god I love her so much

Charlie's a fucking princess, okay? A princess of HELL. She's nice and sweet and tries to do right by everyone, but she knows how to lay down the fucking law. She tells Al straight up that she doesn't trust him, but she doesn't mind him helping as long as he stays in his lane. And you can tell she's serious because she's cursing. Throughout the pilot, she only uses language when she feels like she absolutely has to: To put Katie Killjoy in her place ("How's it feel that I got your pen, bitch?"), to quote her dad ("You don't take shit from other demons!") and here! She generally tries to be careful with her words and express herself in other ways, but also knows that sometimes, there's only one thing a demon will actually listen to. She's not afraid to drop a well placed F-bomb if needed.

Kinda similar to David from Camp Camp!

David is a camp counselor who's a goody two shoes, super positive, sweetheart who just once to do right and have the kids love camp as much as he did! Except most of the kids hate it, especially the main character Max, and don't understand his positivity. Until, in the season one finale, when David finally tells him why he does it: "Because some fucking has to."

This is (as far as I'm aware) the only time David curses, so the fact that he's willing to not only curse but also do it in front of a ten-year-old tells you that he's 100% serious.

This, folks, is what we call a precision F-word—one of my fave kinds of F-words :)

When you're so used to someone talking and not cursing, and then you finally hear them go "Fuck", you're first thought is to be like "Oh shit, they're serious!"

Charlie doesn't do this quite to the same extent as David, but she curses WAAAAAAAAAAY less than, like, 99% of the Hellaverse characters, leading to when she does really having more of a punch.

I could go on! I could go into how Millie and Loona use their language! How Verosika insults! The whole scene with Angel Dust and his...customer(?) where the guy calls Angel a slut and Angel's like "Oh, honey, you can do better than that"

But we'd be here forever and I haven't eaten today :)

Overall moral of the story: Just because characters use curse words and slurs doesn't mean they're talking the same! Just like with all other art, words are a tool and they way you use it tells you a ton about someone's character, and this is especially true for curse words.

[cathumanthing2]

Roseblings Chatfic AU Chapter 6

(TW: heavily implied child abuse, panic attack)

magic bitches

4:06 pm

plant flower faerie: i just realized

plant flower faerie: how did jimmy text if he didnt have his phone?

pathetic fish man: Oh I just used my laptop

fungi fungus gnome: wut.

pathetic fish man: I connected my phone to my laptop so i can text now

tech wizard: damn i ddidnt know you knew how to do that stuff

pathetic fish man: what's that supposed to mean-

tech wizard: figure it out, you pathetic fishboy

hopeless romantics

4:36 pm

elsa boi: guys if a new person joins this chat can they see previous messages

Shroom: no why?

elsa boi added Jimmy Shadow-Solidarity to the groupchat

engineer salmon: scott im going to murder you

Jimmy Shadow-Solidarity: damn you hate me that much

simp for elves: Actually, its the opposite

engineer salmon: Joey i WILL punch you

Jimmy Shadow-Solidarity: What does that mean joey-

Shroom: relax fWhip hes not gonna figure it out hes a fucking idiot

Jimmy Shadow-Solidarity: Hey-

Shroom: oh also i'll just do this for scott

Shroom changed Jimmy Shadow-Solidarity 's name to polyamerous bisexual idiot

polyamerous bisexual idiot: you mispelled polyamorous

Shroom: …fuck you

engineer salmon: anyways this place is to rant about ur crushes or whatever

engineer salmon: also, this goes for everyone here, but if your crush ever joins or is already here just rant like normal bcause we're all gay idiots here 

engineer salmon: its not like we have enough braincells collectively to figure it out, thats gem's job

Shroom: well spoken fWhip

elsa boi: that's an award winning accurate summary of this group of simps

the holders of the sacred braincell

4:58 pm

Magic Nerd: I think scott shelby joey and fwhip are up to something fwhip keeps texting that one groupchat with all of them

Water Cat: Can confirm. Jimmy just mentioned joining a new groupchat that had them in it earlier in one of his idiotic-idiot-with-a-crush rants

Water Cat: apparently its basically a simp groupchat for people to rant about their crushes and he'd been ranting to scott and he was getting tired of my brother's idiotacy

Overgrown Blossom: Can also confirm. Last "girls night" me, shelby, joey, and scott had, scott mentioned Joey liking his sibling and Joey being a simp for elves and Shelby, Joey, and Scott all snicked. Apparently it was a reference to a convo they had in the groupchat

Overgrown Blossom: Kinda wondering why Shelby's in there but it's none of my business hahah

Sandman: Even when only talking to those who actually have braincells, I'm surrounded by idiots. 

Queen of all Ducks: …LMAO-

Overgrown Blossom: ?

Magic Nerd: …Ok Katherine actually think for a second about what you just said and then report back to me because thats actually painful to read

Overgrown Blossom: What do you mean-

Magic Nerd: …I'm going to finish the essay on hybrid history.

Gem shook her head, rolling her eyes. Her friends were idiots sometimes.

She stared at her computer, at the assignment she had to do. Something was making it hard to do, hard to complete, hard to even think about it. She didn't know what.

(She did. It was an essay she had to write about how hybrids have been treated in the world for decades.

It reminded her of crying in a corner, stars exploding behind her eyelids from the slap, fWhip and her curling up together for what little comfort they could get, tugs on her antlers causing her head to be filled with stabbing pain, the scent of alcohol and smoke, and it was too much to think of, too much to write about, too much to even bear.)

She hadn't noticed the tears start to roll down her face, nor her hands in her hair, or her teeth biting down on her cheek, drawing blood, until she heard someone open the door.

"Gem?" fWhip asked, and she froze. 

He couldn't see her like this. The last time he saw her like this was when they were 12, when she had gotten a particularly bad grade. 

Usually, he was the one crumbling. He couldn't know she was crumbling too.

She forced her voice to sound level, to sound normal.  

"Yes?"

"Do you know where my buzzing magnets are? I could've sworn I left them on that table there…"

"Oh, I put them on that bookshelf over there." She gestured towards the general direction, forcing down a sob that was crawling up her throat. She heard rustling and the buzz of the magnets being clacked together.

"Thanks Gem!" he exclaimed, and she could hear the mischievous grin in his voice.

Which usually would've made her smile fondly, but now? It only reminded her of the moment before disaster, before he gets in trouble and she gets the blame, the punishment, and takes it for him, because he's younger. Not by much, only 15 minutes, but he's younger , and he needed to be protected.

( What good did that do, when he would've gotten hurt eventually? The bitter thought crossed her mind, but she pushed it away.

She pushed it all away and back into the little neat chamber in her heart, the one that should, and would, never be opened.)

[oonajaeadira]

Good evening lovely. ❤️

May I have 3 and 12 for the Star Wars ask game pretty pls?

Hello, Leslie, my love. I adore you. Sorry for the delay. I had to put my poor sick SO to bed. He has a cold and there were sniffles and he needed his head pet and his bear scratched.

And now I want to see Tess taking care of a sick Pero...

WE'RE NOT HERE FOR THAT. What was I doing?

Oh. Yes.

Fave / least fave tv show episode:

Favorite is The Marshal. For a long time I was torn because I really think The Believer is masterfully done. I love Miggs' speeches--have your opinions on Bill Burr, he did a phenomenal job in that episode and that character is really nicely fleshed out. I love the fight on the transport; it's hot that Din can take down all those raiders without weapons. And, of course the whole helmetless sequence is stunning. But. The Marshal is like a mini movie. And it was shot to be. The CGI work is wonderful, the way Jon uses aspect ratio change is EPIC for tv, and I will never ever get over the way Din flies out of that dragon's mouth and it explodes behind him as he comes to a skidding stop in the sand. I'm sorry, that shot does something to me, both in way of character hotness and in cinematic porn. And I think I've gone on ad nauseum about the pre-title sequence, that boxing den fight is my favorite of all openers, and his line delivery on "I'm not," well. I have written essays on just that one line and how much character Pedro portrays in two words. And, of course, The Marshal has Tuskens and banthas and Cobb fkn Vanth. Because if Din didn't exist in this universe, y'all'd be dealing with my epic multi-chapter soft romance with Cobb fkn Vanth charming everyone's pants off.

Honorable mention goes to the last four episodes of Clone Wars. Do not get me started.

Least favorite is Resistance. I don't know which one. I didn't like that whole series.

.

Fave / least fave moment/scene:

There are too many of both, so I'm gonna just pick something.

A favorite moment: When Leia met Wicket. It's the first moment I remember loving Star Wars.

Least favorite moment/scene: The scooter chase from The Book of Boba Fett. I'm still mad about it.

.

star wars fave/least faves

[multi-facets]

Anime Rambling.

[Warning: There's a lot of improper language, upsetting statements, misogyny, and references to violent acts in this post.]

I recently had a short chat with @und8e2ff (hi there [waves]) about misogyny in anime and anime fandoms, and they encouraged me to say more from my point of view. So since it's a Sunday and there's not much else to do now that most of my chores are completed (aside from working on my novel), I figured "eh, why not."

Fair warning: I'm coming to this subject with my own experiences and biases. If you want a truly smart commentary on this, I'm not the right person to ask.

I was a younger teen when the North American Anime Boom of the '90s hit. I'd seen anime before and simply never known it ("Hans Christian Andersen's The Little Mermaid" on VHS, "Grimm's Fairy Tales" on Nick Jr, and "Warriors of the Wind" on VHS at five or six, for instance), but now shows like "Sailor Moon," "Ronin Warriors," "Dragonball Z," and "Mobile Suit Gundam Wing" (to name a few) were taking over the airwaves, and audiences hadn't seen plots or animation like theirs before.

Magical girls. Giant mecha. Transforming boys. Screaming warriors. It was all a massive hit, transforming American entertainment and art in ways that could never have been predicted in the '90s. Several webcomics kicked off by imitating their style. Conventions started become more varied in what they could offer. Dubbing looked like a viable career. Fansites sprang up, the fanfiction scene that had been around for ages suddenly exploded thanks to newbies, and fan reactions ranged from "That scene was so moving!" to "I did some research, and that symbolism is compelling," to "I love everything about the art and the style," to "The politics are hard to follow, can anyone explain?" to "How was this phrased in Japanese, does anyone know?" to "Holy crap this is a lot more censored than I realized," to "OMFG I FUCKING HATE MIAKA/RELENA/CHIBI-USA/MIA THEY'RE SUCH BITCHES WHORE SLUTS CUNTS I'M GONNA KILL THEM ALL THEY'RE ALL SO USELESS THEY DESERVE TO BURN IN HELL HEERO/RYO/PICCOLO/TAMAHOME/DARIEN/KURAMA IS MINE ALL MINE DO YOU HEAR ME MINE!"

.... wait, what?

Yeah. That- That was a thing. It was disturbing to see the sheer vehemence, vitriol, and sheer HATRED female characters in anime were getting. There were sites slamming them at every turn for their behavior, their clothing, their skill sets, their roles, and personalities. No female character could do anything right. If they were modest homemakers who were genuinely happy to be married with kids, they were reeling feminism back a hundred years. If they were action girls, they were stealing the show from the men. If they were outclassed in any way, they were useless crybabies. If they were aloof political figures trying to survive a rocky political climate, they were frigid bitches.

And most of this was coming from girls and women.

Now, folks more articulate than me have pointed out why these reactions happened, and the essays are varied and well thought out. But back then, in the thick of it, I only saw an insane amount of immaturity, insecurity, low self-esteem, jealousy, envy, rage and hatred against fictional female characters for the "crime" of being cute girls or attractive women around adorable boys and hot men.

I could be wrong, of course: Like I said, I'm talking about this now through several years and my own experiences and biases. But when you find posts saying (for instance) characters like "Fushigi Yuugi's" Miaka deserved to be raped because she's such a stupid bitch and doesn't deserve Tamahome.... yeah, that sticks with you. Back then, I don't think any of these people had much perspective or understanding, or even empathy. I didn't even fully understand just how fucked some of these characters' lives were until much later, but I still wasn't advocating for their deaths.

Like- okay, I'm sorry, but there's still lots of sexism in anime. Female characters always had to be less powerful than men in combat, or they were non-combatants. Setsuna Mudo of "Angel Sanctuary" flat-out tells the demon princess Kurai, an impressive dragon-summoning sorceress despite her relatively young age, that women are supposed to be beautiful so men will want to protect them. Some female characters don't get a chance to shine unless there's a minimal male presence. Go Nagai's first run of the "Devilman" manga was cut short, so he took it out on Miki Makimura by having her killed in the story, and ever since then, there is barely any incarnation of her that doesn't get murdered or just have lousy luck, and she almost never truly has a chance with Akira Fudo, the boy she loves. Admittedly, I don't know if Nagai-sensei wrote it all like that because he thought it was the only way the story could go, or if he really did make Miki the target of his disappointment, but he has hardly ever thrown her a bone, either.

As for what the characters were going through, Chibi-Usa was over nine hundred years old, but she'd been stuck as a child for that long and was clearly suffering from survivor's guilt and PTSD. Usagi herself was FOURTEEN when she saw the scope of evil she was up against, and heard she was caught in a tragedy in her last life. Saori Kido of "Saint Seiya" was admittedly a spoiled brat, but got a severe reality check when her grandfather died and she learned she's the incarnation of a GODDESS with all the attached responsibilities that go with it at what was originally thirteen years old! But guess what, that lead to character development!

Relena Darlian saw her father get caught in an explosion, and before he died of his injuries, he told her she was adopted, which is a hell of a thing to tell your shell-shocked kid before you croak. And Relena would later be yanked into politics as a puppet while struggling with her lost innocence and attempting to uphold ideals too big for her to handle alone. Hell, how do we know she wasn't suicidal when she yelled for Heero to come kill her? I'm not saying she didn't make some foolish choices, but hell, she was what, fifteen when her life went tits-up? It's not often we make good decisions at that age!

Nasute Yagyu/Mia Koji of "Yoroiden Samurai Troopers/Ronin Warriors" was seventeen when Japan went to Hell, and instead of freaking out, she stole a policeman's bike, pedaled to the epicenter of the crisis, protected a lost child, and demanded that the heroes stop competing against each other and work together. And it worked! And when her poor grandfather died as a result of the Youjakai's/Netherworld's forces targeting him, Mia got to work through her tears to become the expert the Troopers/Warriors needed. Ryo even tried to tell her that she really should take a moment because of her loss, but she kept going because she was still badly needed and her grandpa entrusted all his work to her.

These are just a few examples, but I kept seeing fans, especially girls, who had absolutely no empathy about any of it, insisting they could be stronger, better, smarter, more helpful, more powerful. (That's called hubris, y'all.) The fanfiction scene reflected this, in which female characters were treated like shit, tortured, raped, murdered horribly, drastically misrepresented to make the self-inserts look better, or just written out entirely so the fans could write themselves in and.... usually do exactly what the female characters did. Or they would die heroically cradled by the hero they coveted. Or they would write reams of yaoi that still forced the male characters into heteronormative roles. (Again, just a few samples.)

I'll pause here to say there's nothing wrong with wanting to be part of a story that means a lot to you. I just rarely saw any well-done, non-hateful examples of it in those days.

And y'know what? These fans wouldn't even HAVE their pretty boys in giant mechs if female fans in Japan hadn't set a precedent! When "Mobile Suit Gundam" was CANCELED during production (we nearly had a world without Haro!), a letter-writing campaign saved it, and who wrote the majority of those letters? Girls and women from fifteen to twenty-five! They saved "Mobile Suit Gundam," and it became a franchise that is still a worldwide hit!

I was very, very confused about all this as a teenage girl, and now that I'm forty-one, I still don't really get it, especially since sexism is still a problem in media and reality. (This was all happening during the "Girl Power!" trend, too. It was so counter-intuitive. Why weren't we banding together to support the female characters and try to get more women in media? Why weren't the fans inspired to try writing their own things if they were so disappointed with female characters instead of lashing out?) There are even male content creators who get upset when their work is aimed at men, but also draws a large female audience that gets them paid.

But it does make me wonder what those hateful fans would think if I was able to go back in time and tell them "Hey, there's a series called 'Gundam: The Witch From Mercury' and it has a lesbian couple as pilots. Yeah, no pretty boys front and center this time, we got some awesome young ladies showing their stuff instead."

And I also wonder if, now that we're all older, they'd have the experience, perspective, knowledge, and empathy to look back at their behavior and say "How embarrassing. I wasn't being kind at all."

Because hell. Like I said: It's not always easy to make good choices as a teenager.

[posttexasstressdisorder]

Time to turn off the oven and fire up the soldering iron: Dynaco Repair Post

I'm a tube guy. I have been without my Dynaco amp almost two years now, and I lost the preamp to some unknown issue a few months ago.

But that's all about to change. Thanks to @misfitwashere and dynakitparts.com, the parts to fix the main issues arrived in my mailbox day before yesterday. I'll be diving into both the Stereo70 and PAS3X in this post, starting this coming week.

Check back in with this thread to see the repair process in my usual photo-essay sorta way. And in order for that to happen, I'm gonna make this my pinned post until this project is done and I'm once again bathed in the glow of tubes.

First evening: Beginning work on the PAS, the initial phase is to get rid of the two honkin' (one exploded) caps and selenium chip stack with one small and very nicely designed and well implemented circuit board with two diodes and two capacitors.

First step is assembling and soldering the circuit board, starting with the diode pair. You have to make sure the polarities are right before you commit to solder.

After that, the two caps:

And, of course, trim the leads, and that's all there really was to it.

The next phase will require more elbow grease: unsoldering the eight leads to the original stack, and removing it. The undsoldering took a bit of doing, but once that was swung out of the way, a twist with the needle-nose on that nut on the main mounting screw and the accursed capacitors laid down by The Auld Gods in the Younger Days lie in a crumpled heap.

But with that out of the way, we see the vast expanse of real estate suddenly visible shows the extent of the exploding: a heavy line of gunk under, and what had to be a fine mist that sprayed on everything in that direction. You can see where I took a cloth and wiped a bit under that RCA jack array...it's a greasy, waxy mess!

So that's where I decided to stop for the first evening. I will get back to it tomorrow. It's obvious now that I'm going to have to unbolt that back panel to get at all that capacitor goop under the RCA jack array, which I will be replacing anyway. Having that back panel off will make that job easier.

First order of business tomorrow will be unbolting the back panel and getting some parts cleaner going on that cap residue.

Update: Tues. evening 12-05-23

Well the day's been a mix of ease and frustration. While unmounting the back panel did give enough leeway to get the job done, it by no means was able to "swing out of the way", but it did move about 3/8" back away from the base plate, which was enough room to clean the stuff out.

I ended up just using a single-edge razor blade to scrape the now-dry and dusty stuff loose and out, it was the easiest and best way. Screwed the panel back on once it was all clean, and went to the next step, installing the standoff that will hold the new board in place.

The new board is certainly cleaner-looking than the old stack of hoodoo!

Now it was time to solder the EIGHT leads to the appropriate spots on the board. Instructions say to follow the original wiring diagram for which wires go where.

This is where the Dynaco kits ALWAYS stood above the others...there were life-size drawings of the top and bottom, showing you where the wires were to be routed.

And so I sat and took stock of which wires were which, poking up from the bottom. And here's where this kind of project always ends up taking longer than it should. Even after adjusting some of the slack out of the two original leads from the PC6 board, they're both like a ridiculously small amount short...like 1/2"-3/4".

I remembered seeing a brand new roll of exactly the right kind and gauge of wire this last week either down in the garage or in the process of clearing stuff away for this project up here.

[Insert two and a half hour unscheduled nap here]

So at 5pm I pop awake ready to get back at it.

[Cue "yaketty sax" music while I spend the next two hours looking for that damned spool of wire]

At this point, I am chuckling at myself. I'm not in a hurry with this. I want this to be RIGHT. So now It's nearly 8pm, and I'm starvin'. I am gonna stop for the night and make myself a burger and pick this up tomorrow.

PS: Ta-dah. Found it.

Wednesday, 12-06-23

I got a fairly early start on things today and am happy to report that the PAS filament supply is now installed, and all four 12AX7 tubes light up when it's powered up.

First thing was to un-solder the two wires at points 14 and 15. These are the ones that were too short to make it to the right spots on the board.

I made a twisted pair of new wires a couple inches longer than the ones removed, and decided to flag one as "black" with a bit of electrical tape at each end, which I'll trim when things are done.

This is 22gauge wire, slightly smaller than the original, but still fine to use for our purposes. The first two connections were easy enough, with the clearly marked board and fresh solid-core wire.

The next two were re-used leads, going to the other PC board. They required some re-bending to make the distance, but worked fine:

Now the AC side, doing the outside pair (going to the 12X4 socket):

And finally, the two blue leads from the transformer:

At this point, I was technically "done" with this phase. Trimmed up the bits of electrical tape, and routed the wires a little neater. Plugged it in and WE HAVE GLOW!

So the basic issue has been solved, and I *could* just close it up and use it, but I noticed one more not-so-fun thing under the hood when I was assessing the wiring:

Yeah, the little can-cap is leaking on one lug. I will have to get that from dynakitparts.com. The only other thing "wrong-wrong" is the worn-out RCA jack array on the back, and the pilot light bulb went when the capacitor that exploded did its thing. The main AC cord could stand replacing, as it's quite stiff with age at this point, much like my old carcass.

However, before I start on those RCA jacks, I need to clean the Source Switch, this triple-wafer monster:

The bearing in the very front is binding, so that trying to change source is difficult, and feels like the whole thing is stressing. The three contact wafers each need to be cleaned, and the spots where the contact arm turns need lubed. I'll be working on that next, after I make a late bite of lunch.

Coming back at it, looking at the Source Switch now, it looks like there really isn't any way to make that front bearing turn any smoother. It's actually just a single ball that gets bumped from spot to spot, held in place by a pressure clip, one knotch for every click of the control.

After using WD40 on the physical mechanical parts, it doesn't really turn any easier. The electrical contacts on it seemed to brighten a little after the DeOxit was applied. So I'll leave that one alone.

And on to replacing that worn-out RCA jack array with one that gives enough room to plug things in (and better jacks).

After getting the parts laid out and the instructions out, it became apparent that it was missing two parts: "precision" resistors and the new label for the back IDing the jacks.

Just used the contact form on the dynakitparts guy's website and let him know what's missing, and will hopefully get those sent. I will also see if I can get the cash together to get that quad can cap. So...at this point, I'm kinda at a stand-still until further notice.

But we have GLOW on the preamp, and we didn't when we started this! I'll let y'all know when I know more from the dynakitparts guy.

Literally 20 minutes later: Got a super-fast reply and he'll be sending the parts out tomorrow and they will get here on Saturday. So yay on that! In the meantime, I will be turning my attention to the Stereo70, and installing the Bias Kit that will do away with the selenium rectifier and tube.

Update Saturday Evening 12-09-23

Has been a frustrating couple of days, culminating in the news that our mailboxes were pried open, so they're keeping our mail at the post office. That means I will have to go and try to get an idea of how they're going to deliver our mail for the next month or two, or even whether. Point being, the Dynaco parts were scheduled to be delivered Monday. I have either got to go to the PO later in the chance it's been processed through and put in whatever temporary holding bin they've got my mail in. Argh.

Got no work done Friday, so tomorrow I'm going to at least do everything up to putting the new RCA panel in. The ST70 will get its work, and they'll both get new power cords. I had a lot of flat-bladed extension cords and old things that were beyond repair, and I snipped the power cords and tossed them in a bin to replace worn ones. The two I found were close to the originals, maybe a touch larger, but they are flat-bladed (unpolarized) just like the original cords, so I will be able to control the power of the ST70, FM3 and Dual 1219 turntable by switching on the PAS.

So, ironically, I will sign off for the evening with no photos, but by turning the oven back on to bake. I'm thinkin' raspberry muffins with chocolate chips.

Well, at least it's gotten across the continent in record time. If it's in Oakland, the main Alameda PO should get it. We'll see. Meanwhile, have a muffin.

Well, crap! I guess I have hit up against a "max number of photos in posts". Not seeing any kind of statment to that fact, it just won't open the windo to add attachments.

SO: as of Sunday, December 10, I'll start a new post, and link it here when I've done it.

and

[stuck-in-the-ghost-zone]

HEHEHEHEHEHEHEHE YAYYYYY AWESOME AWESOME AWESOME I LOVE TORTURING MY FRIENDS <333333 PERFECT SPIKE WITH THE KNIFE VOLLEYBALL

>> yes yes yes I was absolutely picturing trickster seeing him on the news. Just like a shaky faraway video a civilian caught on their phone or something. but it's enough for trickster to see some of that dreamlike stuff and then ashe like. steps backward into one of his doors and disappears before a big wave hits where he was just standing or something. why does the trickster get TV service in his evil little chaos zone? why would the trickster be watching tv? I don't know! I dont care!! but he does and he is at least for this one moment. maybe he like. invades somebody's house and They were watching the news and he got distracted. idfk.

>> side note about tricksters territory I've been dying to picture visual parallels to the spirit realm even though i KNOW the chaos zone is different from the spirit realm they are still connected in my mind. also side side note on that topic i had a couple thoughts about clarence and mal in this au. and also the nilbog type situation where trickster first gets contained there. but that's for later it's trickster time now. speaking of mal though you know how when they first went to go find tide and they ended up in that haunted carnival. i think it would be REALLY really fun if tricksters territory was a city that had an adjacent theme park . for funsies and to play into the whole "his motivations are like a bored kid he wants to do things because they're funny" . i want the wards 2 follow muse through one of his doors and end up in an abandoned carnival. do u see my vision here

>> SPEAKING OF MAL AGAIN. EHEHEEHEE LOVINGGGG the fact that you said nhw trickster makes you feel the same way that canon mal does. i ALSO want to explode him with hammers so so so badly. BUT. i don't want him to be toooooo similar to mal because we do also still have mal in this au i dont want there to be Two Of Him. so while the whole using puppets to get Ashe to trust him thing is suuuper creepy and slimy and manipulative I don't think thats tricksters normal forte ? his usual style is busting in somewhere and causing chaos, but he knows the subtlety is what WORKS with ashe (btw the whole "oh people are Nice, Actually and my dad is just weird and paranoid" thing is EXACTLY what i was going for thank u for having the same brain cells as me) and he wants ashe bad enough that he's willing to force himself through the patience and slowness of it. but it's REALLY hard for him he gets frustrated so easily . maybe he's a little too eager one time and it freaks ashe out a little bit and shatters a little bit of the trust he's building up and trickster throws a huge fucking tantrum about it because now it's gonna take him even LONGER and UGH why can't he just go and take him NOW . using the taylor in her lair comparison again but while she's sitting calmly in her chair drinking tea the whole time, trickster is pacing around and kicking his feet and just going absolutely like

(there's a piece of pd fanart that i can SEND YOU NOW ACTUALLY- hold on ill do that in a second- that is pretty much what I'm picturing here like. his ass is NOT sitting still!!!!!!)

>> ohhhhhhhh having so many thoughts abt mark. having soooooo many thoughts about mark. i am still hung up on the muse/tricksterisms (give it up for DAYYYYY FIVE *Mr Krabs bell ringing image*) but maybe perhaps at work today I will type up a nhw mark essay in my free time. it should be slow today knock on wood. god. the aftermath of Overlord is going to be such a huge fucking mess. still not over the fact of u CASUALLY saying mark breaks himself out of the fucking birdcage. thinking forever about that thing bizly said once about mark being one of the smartest people they've ever met. yeah.

>> DAKOTA TIIIIIIM E. YEA YEA YEA YEA YEA even though we are in worm world and everything sucks so bad all the time and they are all so extremely traumatized. we CANNOT lose the dakota cole spirit. we cannot lose that energy. I love him so much he is so nice to everyone and so. bouncing around like crazy. maybe a little bit more subdued than in canon but it's still THERE. also ashe has been so very sheltered his whole life and mark is desperate to keep him away from anything dangerous so i don't think ashe knows a Whole Lot about capes? like he has the general base level knowledge that everyone has, maybe a little more (un)healthy fear of things like the endbringers but I think he's pretty neutral on the whole cape thing. his dad hates them but ashe thinks they're kinda cool from a distance. so I don't think it's like he IMMEDIATELY figures out dakotas identity, he's a little more distracted by the fact that Oh My God I have real friends for the first time ever to notice anything past the surface level weirdness in their living situation and behavior. maybe this is normal for kids his age, what does he know!

>> I LOOVE BTW. I LOVE THEM FINDING OUT ABT HIS POWERS THROUGH SOMETHING STUPID. YES THAT IS SO PERFECT. dakota yelling "HEY ASHE, CATCH" and throwing something at him. ashe is unathletic as fuck and so very nervous and awkward he can't catch for shit. pillow flying at his face he throws his hands up to block it and oh wow wait it's floating in midair! huh! weird! cue dakota FREAKING OUT "oh my god you have POWERS" do u remember that bit with Doug where dakota kept being so weird and asking him if he was a superhero. I think william and virion are very On Edge about this situation at first. they like ashe, yeah, but now he's a cape? who the hell is he we've never seen anyone around here with telekinesis. is he a villain in disguise trying to get to us? does he know our identity? oh fuck. but then they have a Talk and it's Fine

>> extremelyyyyyy weak over the post-leviathan scene. mark winters please give your son a hug im going to fucking kill you. side note of course tide is there. and he's got his own issues with His Boys recklessly putting themselves in danger and giving them their own earful about it but also I am not immune to the tidalwaveisms of him seeingggggg Exactly what marks motivations are. This is why he does what he does. etc. he's just a guy. tide is really normal about this and does not have a soft spot about it at all . turns away from the sight of mark kneeling on the ground with his arms around his son who is too slowly coming back to his senses and there's floating debris falling back to the ground around them and they're both bruised and bleeding and maybe theyre crying but this is a private moment for their family so tide grabs his boys by the arms (dakota and william, he knows virion understands enough to follow without too much of a fuss) and brings them away partially to give the winters their moment alone and partially to talk to his own pseudo-sons (huge bone crushing hug followed immediately by what the hell were you thinking?!) sorry I got kind of lost in the sauce about that. I think about the leviathan thing a lot. what was I talking about before this?

I think that's all for now actually. mark winters essay maybe incoming later I have to live up to my reputation of being perpetually unwell and insane over him. love and peace on planet earth prime. prime worm. whatever we're calling this version . 🤞🤞🤞

YEAYEAYEAG I FORGOR. TRICKSTER TIMELINE. SITTING DOWN WITH MY PENCIL AND NOTES!!!!!!

OKAY. OKAY. OKAY. this is all a bunch of half-formed-while-at-work ideas so if they dont make sense im blaming it on that.

first. backrground worldbuilding context. u know how nilbog is like . they keep him sort of quarantined because they let him take over a town and be a little king of his own territory there (at least i think this is what happened. to my understanding) . im thinking maybe pre-nhw times trickster was in a similar situation. hes this horribly powerful terrifying master but his big weakness is that hes motivated by chaos, motivated by finding things funny or entertaining. he doesnt want to take over the world in the same way a villain like coil does, he wants to take over things because theyre fun, because theyre interesting, because he thrives in destruction and chaos . if they just like... let him take over a town, let him have his little army of puppets to play with, he stays somewhat contained on his own unless any other cape pokes their nose where they shouldnt. i assume the prt would monitor him from a safe distance just in case, but he falls sort of low on the priority list when theyve got other issues to distract them. and this works for a while.... until he gets bored. hes caused all the damage he possibly can in his little chaos zone, taken over the last of the remaining civilians... theres no challenge for him anymore.

but HEY. news from one of the closest big cities... theres a new cape thats joined the wards team, and his powers look. so fun. imagine the possibilities for silly fun distruction with powers like that. so hes got a new challenge. He Wants That Toy. i think he approaches ashe using one of his puppets first. hes not stupid, he knows the prt is watching him, he knows if he leaves his city theyll be on him in an instant, so he sends like... unassuming regular normal people. theres nothing special about them they arent even capes. but theyve all got these glowing orange eyes. and it starts small- ashe accidentally bumping into someone on the street, and they smile at him as they help him pick up his bag. a cashier giving him a complement on his outfit. after a particularly rough fight with his dad, ashe leaves home to go to the wards house. its pouring down rain, maybe hes crying as he walks. a friendly stranger offers him their umbrella. asks him whats wrong. ashe winters, clinically lonely teenager who has had extremely rare and paranoid contact wiht the outside world for 10 years. does not see anything wrong with these nice orange-eyed strangers. call it naivety, call it innocence, whatever. hes not stupid though. every time one of these people talk to him, they have the same smile. the same inflection in their voices. one time he asks them who they are, why they keep being so nice to him. i think this takes the trickster by such surprise that. camera cut to him in his lair taylor style and he just. sits up straight eyes wide, huge grin on his face. yeah this is the one.

he drops the illusion of being different people and leans into it. he calls himself something insidiously innocent sounding. "just someone who wants to help" "are you familiar with the concept of a guardian angel?" << EUGHHGHG THIS ONE MAKES ME SICK. ashe isnt stupid. he knows thats weird. but the idea of someone out there who doesnt know him, doesnt know the horrible things hes been through and done, just wanting to help him for no reason. its tempting!!!!! so he doesnt mention his secret friend to anyone, just... accepts the gifts as theyre given. this guy doesnt ever ask for anything in return, even! it all. comes to a head though with the overlord thing.

im gonna switch now to kind of talk about ashe timeline outside of trickster stuff. the wards are together maybe a year or two before they meet him. ashe is in his rebellious teen phase, hes frustrated, he wants to have a life to live, hes tired of being in his room, hes tired of his dad not telling him shit and leaving for days at a time, hes just so. lonely. so one time, when mark is on a long weekend "business trip", ashe sneaks out of the house. now. mark is a tinker, you bet your ass hes rigged their house to the teeth with motion sensors and cameras and shit . but ashe is smart. ashe also has powers. ashe has not used his powers in a Long Time, but hes so mad and hes already made up his mind, he wants to get OUT and hes doing it TONIGHT. so he messes with marks equipment and leaves. goes for a walk. maybe goes to like. a gas station convenience store to buy a slushie wiht the crumpled 5 dollar bill he found in the pocket of the jacket he grabbed from the closet on his way out (its marks).

theres. some sort of trouble that he gets caught up in. something minor, maybe someone tries to rob the store while hes there or something. maybe its something silly like le frog. idk. but hey guess who is on patrol in the area to deal with it !!!!!!! its failsafe. and dakota has this bad habit of being Too Friendly with people. hey theres this kid my age who looks SUPER uncomfortable and hes hiding behind his long hair and this big jacket and he looks kind of miserable but he just has this ENERGY about him like . adrenaline. giddy excitement. something like that. and dakota is just drawn to him. at first its a "check on the civilians involved to make sure theyre okay" and then its a "wow youre a blue raspberry guy? i like cherry more but my friend really likes blue raspberry too, you kind of remind me of him, i think youd get along-" cole style! rambling! and ashe is just sitting there like. why are you. talking to me. (<< same inflection as why are you in my house bc i fucking love that those are his first words i miss you so much ashe winters) but internally hes like "whoa this is so cool this whole talking to people thing is so easy my first night out in 10 years and im already making friends with a fucking cape, okay-"

ANYWAY. whatever whatever dakota runs into him a few more times on patrol and because hes. him. hes always really excited like "HEY I KNOW YOU!" etc. idk! whatever! they become friends! he meets the rest of the wards when theyre out of costume, dakota seeks him out out of costume specifically because he wants to be friends but oh my god ive only ever talked to this guy as failsafe i need to talk to him as dakota. the boys become ashes first friends ever! and then he. excited that he has someone to talk to other than his dad for the first time in forever. he tells them or shows them or whatever that he has powers. and then he learns about them being wards. idk this in btween state is still fuzzy to me. he helps them out sometimes acting as a rogue. idk how or why he officially joins the team but he does somehow. eventually. mark is EXTREMELY displeased wiht this, but its at a point where... turning down the offer would almost be more suspicious. whatever. help me out here i havent throught about this part as much.

ANYWAY. SOMETIME AFTER ASHE IS OFFICIALLY ON THE TEAM. the leviathan attack happens. i feel so very strongly about the leviathan attack being the equivalent event to the Meatball Planet only like. so much worse. leviathan is showing up in some random coastal city called. idk. maybe brockton bay. for funsies. and all the capes in new haven are called on for the battle. (tide especially. but this aint about him rn). mark winters is the kinda guy who would hear that and go "no fucking way i want no part of that my first and only priority is protecting myself and my son i dont give a shit about another city or other capes" but. he has to go. because overlord wants him to go. for whatever reason. and mark, knowing about ashes whole thing with the wards now, puts him on total lockdown. dont even fucking THINK about going anywhere near this. i dont care if your team gets summoned, you. stay. here. etc etc etc. the wards, ironically, do not actually get summoned! they are really powerful, yeah, but the prime force is already goign to be there and the prt cannot risk their backup prime force also getting taken out because they dont have a third option to turn to right now. the boys Do No Like This because! tide is going. they want to go with tide. they plan to sneak away and follow anyway. ashe tells them mark put him on lockdown he cant go with him. they break him out and the 4 of them get to town in the MIDDLE of the fight. shit is baaad. they kind of regret it almost immediately. but theyre here now they have to fight. i actually think it would be cool if. like with the meatball planet thing. having the nhw there is a huge advantage and they start winning. but. i think this is the first time they see ashe's breaker state. maybe its because one of the wards gets hurt, maybe he sees his dad going up against leviathan alone at one point, idk. something in that vein. i think breaker state ashe is actually the catalyst they need to start winning against leviathan, the thing that distracts him enough right in time for scion to get there and do his thing or whatever. the battle is over, they have a REALLY hard time getting ashe out of his breaker state. (side note i think the only way ashe can really come down from breaker state is by having whatever threat set him off completely removed from the situation. however bc he doesnt recognize good from bad in this state, any sense of big power or sudden movement or whatever is enough to kind of reset that meter and it just gets harder to break him out the longer they make moves toward him.) personally, because im biased as fuck, i think it would be sooooooooooooo fucking good to have mark be the one to get him out of breaker state here. the wards have never seen this side of his powers, they dont understand why trying to help him only makes him worse, the battle is over shouldnt he be okay now? but mark has seen this before. mark knows, if only instinctually, what worked before. maybe itll work again. and hes fucking pissed, hes pissed that ashe is here, that he disobeyed him, that he put himself in the worst fucking danger possible, that this is all the wards fault etc etc. but he HAS to push that anger to the side for a second to get ashe to come back to his right state of mind. they can have a screaming match about it later when reality is not actively bending and breaking around them. i also think this would be good for the wards to see that mark isnt... totally a horrible person. they only really know him from ashe, theyre super biased against him they hate his guts from the things theyve heard, but here. they just. get to see how much he loves ashe and even though his actions fucking suck and ashe has been miserable as a result... hes not an evil guy. hes just the universes most hated man.

ANYWAY. BACK TO THE ORIGINAL POINT OF THE POST. reports from the leviathan fight and the new member of the wards whose powers turned the tide (ha) of the battle. this is how the trickster learns about him. so ALL THAT STUFF i talked about before happens . and then mark goes missing. ashe doesnt. realize it at first maybe. hes used to his dad being gone for days at a time, but hes never stayed away for longer than a week. day 3 passes with not even an update from mark and he starts to get a little anxious, day 5 passes and still nothing, day 8 hes. freaking out. the wards are maybe a little crass about it "that guy sucks you can just stay with us" btu then they see ashe is like. genuinely distressed about it and they say theyll help him look for him.

mark. maybe disobeyed overlord in some way. idk. he did something stupid that made overlord mad enough to punish him. the wards track down the guy mark is working for (i imagine their knowledge about What He Does in this au is a lot more limited than in canon. they know hes wavelength, they know wavelength workds for someone, but they dont know who that someone is). they track down overlord and bust into his base and its. idk. similar ish scene to canon. ashe sees his dad in whatever the equivalent is of the tube he was in in pd. hes unconscious, but they cant tell whether hes alive or not. this sets ashe off almost IMMEDATELY into breaker state. and overlords base is not . the largest thing in the world. maybe its like. warehouse sized. but its still an enclosed space. shit gets dangerous FAST. ashe ends up killing overlord and its pretty gruesome and horrible. when he gets out of breaker state and fully processes what he did, he just. runs. he doesnt know what else to do. hes scared hes upset he still doenst know if his dad is alive (did he just lose the only family he has left? was this the thing mark was hiding them from for so long? mark dead, ashe a murderer, is that what simurgh wanted?) . he thinks the wards will hate him for what he did so instead of fighting them he runs! and who. is conveniently waiting for him. a kind stranger with glowing orange eyes. who hugs him, tells him everything will be okay, wipes his tears away. how can i help? do you need somewhere to stay for a while?

ashe is gone for a handful of weeks before the note appears on the wards' door.

IDK. THIS IS ALL SO LIKE. VIVID TO ME BUT AS ALWAYS IF U HAVE OTHER IDEAS I AM SOOOO OPEN TO THEM. i have a lot more thoughts about the trust that trickster tries to build with him through his puppets but this post is so fucking long already that might just have to be a full separate thing . god. im so FUCKING unwell. nhw disease instead of brain there is nhw. ashe im so sorry we put you in the blender i promise i love oyu and want you to be happy. what are your thoughts i need 2 know. oauguhg. dying 2 talk about this. as if i didnt just write out like a thousand words talking about it.

[aestherians]

I'm Ben, But Call Me Poppy

Preface: I would like for this essay to not just be an exploration of my own fictionkinity (though that is its main purpose) but also an introduction to the fictionkind experience in general, and to the experience of parallel lives. Of course, I am just one person and none of my experiences can be universal, but I nonetheless hope they can shed some light on fictionkinity and lead to further understanding and tolerance of these identities. And I hope it will lead to parallel lives becoming a more widely known and understood phenomenon. Feedback is greatly appreciated.

Word count: 4479

Estimated reading time: 20-25 minutes

On the 6th of December 2019 I had a weird dream. I was standing on the edge of a cliff. The wind played with my hair, long grass tickled my ankles, and high above, seabirds called out to each other. As I looked to the sky, a being made of blinding white light appeared before me. She was beautiful and graceful and older than time itself. She gently took my hand and pointed towards the horizon. My eyes followed her finger and the sky itself tore apart to reveal an inky black nothingness. But as I looked, little specks of something began to appear. Dots and lines, swirls and stars, and colors I'd never seen before. I understood then that this primordial being was showing me the beginning of this universe. And as I stared in awe, she turned to look down at me, and she told me... that I was Ben 1O fictionkind.

I don't think I've ever been as confused as I was that morning. It felt like I was still dreaming as I went through my routine, like at any moment I might wake up again. All the while, my reflection puzzled me. It was the same face I've seen every day for two decades, and yet today it just felt... wrong. I was supposed to have a human face. This wasn't the species dysphoria I'd gotten so used to. And I knew exactly which human face I was expecting to see in the mirror - it just seemed too ridiculous for me to accept.

My cameo shifts have rarely, if ever, lasted more than a few hours, and at this point they'd never been of specific characters. Sure, I had my weird relationship with Emily Jones from the now-forgotten Le//go Elv//es franchise, where I feel like I once was her but now aren't. But I never expected to see her face in the mirror. I never felt confused when I woke up in Copenhagen instead of Elven//dale. Feeling this way about Benjamin Kirby T//ennyson, of all characters, when I hadn't even watched the whole show, was weird and, for some reason, embarrassing. And it just refused to go away. In total the shift lasted around 5 days. I went to classes feeling like this guy. Grocery shopping. Hung out with my dorm buddies. I went to a Christmas market with my mom, all the while distracted because I couldn't shake the feeling that, somehow, in some way, I was a fictional character from a 2005 Cartoon Network cash cow.

It didn't come completely out of the blue. Three things were happening here that probably led to this: 1) I was binging Ben 1O with my dormmate. We hadn't finished the show yet, but we'd worked our way through almost 200 episodes, so we were in deep. 2) I'd just broken it off with a girlfriend of one year. She was extremely supportive of my alterhumanity – even read a 100 page study by Devin Proctor to understand the community – so our break-up had nothing to do with that. We just realized we needed different things from a relationship. But still, it was a huge stress factor and, despite my friends' love and support, I was struggling to cope. And 3) it was finals season. The less said about that, the better. I guess what happened is that my brain latched onto one of the few simple joys I had in my life and somehow began creating an identity around that to... cope...? I guess...?

Listen, I don't know how it happened and I can only make guesses as to why. Regardless of what caused it, the effect was undeniable. After the 5 day long shift subsided, I still had a nugget of "Ben" somewhere within me that I couldn't (and, in hindsight, didn't want to) get rid of. I was ready to make a kinfirmation announcement right then and there. But, as is customary, I held off for a couple of weeks. I think my plan was to wait 3 months, but by the end of January, I made my announcement in the most gutless way possible: With a text post that read "It's okay to have 'cringy' kintypes," in the tags of which I explained that I'd kinfirmed my Ben 1O fictotype. I was still dealing with a lot of internalized shame about, not just being fictionkind, but having such a childish source material.

And yet... there was something exhilarating about it. Though my initial Ben-related feelings appeared on their own, and I felt annoyed and conflicted about them, I clearly remember reinforcing them. The socially aware side of my brain resisted – having an identity like this would be weird, it would be frowned upon, it would make it even more difficult for me to communicate who and what I am than it already is – while the self-aware side of my brain was very much in favor of forming the identity – for some reason it just felt good to experience all these fictionkin traits. More accurately, it felt right. For reasons I can't explain, I didn't want it to end. I wanted more.

------

The envisage shifts (where you appear a certain way in your mind/inner world, and where you perhaps expect to look that way in the mirror) weren't the only 'kin trait that was apparent from the start. They were just the most striking and the easiest to get others to understand. No, the most pervasive trait had to be the "parallel life flashes." I'm not sure what else to call them. They felt different from daydreams, somehow. More spontaneous and out of my control. And a lot more tangible. They've since become one of the hallmarks of my fictionkinity. They present themselves as flashbacks: For a less than a second, it'll feel like I'm "back" to living my life as Ben, then before I can fully grasp what happened it's over. Like an out-of-body experience (or, rather, an into-my-mindscape experience, since I believe all of this originates in my own psyche). I always get the sense that these flashes are somehow current, as opposed to being past or future. Perhaps because of their dream-like qualities, I often "just know" many details of what's going on in these flashes, just like I knew the alien in my awakening dream was older than time, despite her not telling me. Dreams (nightly or daily) are just like that. I just know that my life as Ben is happening parallel to my life as Poppy.

When talking to others (especially non-kin who can't be bothered to sit through 100 pages of Devin Proctor) I do tend to describe it as a daydream scenario, despite how different it feels from regular daydreams. The flashes tend to have dream-like qualities. And it's easier to say "in my go-to daydream scenario I'm a space traveler, which is a big part of my personality" than "I feel like I'm literally living a parallel life as Ben 1O and this affects my very sense of self." I suppose a big part of it is also the embarrassment I mentioned earlier - notice I vaguely called myself a space traveler instead of mentioning my fictotype by name. Ease of communication is part of it, but, undeniably, so is the masking of my true self to give a more appealing first impression. It's blatant self-suppression.

But – perhaps like Ben T//ennyson himself – wearing masks is what I do. It's what I've done since I was 1O. I craft identities for different scenarios and just flip the switch (or hit the watch) when necessary. I've learned how to contain the autism creature within, to appear normal when necessary, and I've learned how to to blend in with the background. Self-suppression has been vital to me, even if it's frustrating to have to do.

What I'm getting at is that, though this awakening was unexpected, it wasn't out of character for me. And in hindsight there really are a lot of things in my life that, combined, seem to have led to this.

Before I go into further detail, I feel like a disclaimer is in order: My upbringing wasn't abusive, but that doesn't mean it was perfect. I was raised by a single mother who gave most of her attention to my older brother due to various difficulties he had. I don't know if I blame her for the issues I have. It doesn't feel right to place blame on other struggling people, but I can't blame everything on circumstance either. I don't think anyone comes out of childhood unscathed. Generations of trauma have been built up and, even if our parents treat us better than they were treated, they're still marked by their own childhoods, which will reflect in their parenting. My upbringing was a million times better than my own mom's and she worked hard to accomplish that. That said... I can draw a very clear parallel between my childhood experiences and my current identity: I had to be the "good child" to make up for my brother's issues, I had to carry part of my mom's stress, and I couldn't let out my own frustrations, lest my mom become even more stressed. In my parallel life I'm dealing with the same problems, but magnified to a scale where they're actually taken seriously. Instead of carrying the weight of a parent, I carry the weight of the world. I become less of a person and more of a symbol for others to look towards, whether for support, reassurance, or something else. In that sense, it doesn't seem unlikely that my fictionkinity is some kind of subconscious coping mechanism. Though I have to add, I only became aware fully aware of how this passive emotional neglect had affected me – how this is the reason I can't ask for help and constantly take on bigger burdens than I should – several months after my awakening, and even then only after some really intense self-analysis.

I've been trying to come up with more reasons I happened to awaken as Ben 1O, of all characters, but it all feels so... fabricated. I was obsessed with ufology as a kid and this character is involved with aliens. But I was obsessed with ancient Egypt and with horses too, why didn't I awaken as Tutankhamun or Black Beauty? I religiously watched Ben 1O every time I visited my grandparents, who had cable tv, but I watched Da//nny Pha//ntom with the same intensity. I don't think there really is a perfect recipe for what causes a fictionkind identity. All these attempts at rationalizing it are probably a distraction – [which I've spoken about at length before]. But it's hard to really internalize the idea that 'kinity is about what you are, when you've been "gifted" with a human brain that relentlessly asks why, why, why. It's hard to look at the cold hard facts when your mind keeps wandering to theories and hypotheses.

And in all this, you forget to even examine what cold hard facts you know.

What are the cold hard facts?

Facts...

My name is [redacted]. I go by Poppy online. At this point it might as well be my name. And recently I've felt an urge to call myself Ben. When I close my eyes and try to picture myself, the image is ever changing. Sometimes I see a bipedal bison. Sometimes a gnoll. Often a mix of the two. And sometimes I see a young man with brown hair, green eyes, and a watch-like device stuck to his arm. Then I open my eyes, look in the mirror, and see something entirely different. Lighter hair, eyes more hazel than green, and something that decidedly doesn't look like a man. Or a bison or gnoll, for that matter.

I have daydream scenarios I keep returning to – stories I want to tell, the garden I wish I had, scientific advancements I dream of achieving, fanfics I'll never write. And then I have these scenarios that share many qualia with daydreams, but are altogether different. In these scenarios, I am a different person. I am living a different life, surrounded by different people, making different choices, subjected to different trials. I have two of these lives: One in which I'm a gnoll named Ɐwhrayɐ and one in which I'm a man named Ben. I did not set out to create these lives. I can't purposefully change what's happening in them – even with my belief that it all has a psychological cause, something is preventing me from changing anything. And yet, I almost always know what my alternate selves are doing, right in this moment. I can't affect their actions, I can just be aware of them. And despite this apparent wall, separating my present self from them, in some way I feel - or perhaps rather I know - that I am them. It's like... I can't affect what my past self did or said either, but I still am raer. I am still roughly the same person I was yesterday, even if today I might have made different choices. My parallel/alternate selves work in a similar way, but separated by physicality instead of time.

I'm not consciously aware of every waking moment of my parallel selves. When I say I "know" what they're doing, it's less that their thoughts and actions are beamed into my brain 24/7, and more that I can at any moment sit down, breathe, let my mind go blank, and view their world through their eyes. Like I'm possessing their bodies (though, again, my present self is not in control – my alternate selves are). Even if I don't intend to, I often end up "possessing" them during quiet moments – when I'm about to fall asleep, when I'm in transit, when I'm cleaning, and so on. What happens during quiet moments is rarely a "full body possession," though. More often, I'll just experience the thoughts or feelings of my parallel selves (alongside my present-self thoughts or feelings) and have to parse it out. I can be vacuuming the floor, having a normal one, and then suddenly I'll be intimately aware the Ben!Me is bored or that Ɐwhrayɐ!Me is in danger. I then have to extrapolate as much information as possible from this quick flash (like a flashback, but current, not past... a flashsideways? flashadjacent? flashalong? Let's go with that). If the "flashalong" was accompanied by an image, which they often are, it's not too difficult to figure out what my alternate self is doing. If it's just an emotion and nothing else, I can try to piece it together with the other flashalongs I've had recently - if yesterday my parallel self got lost and today I sense despair, it's not too difficult to put two and two together and know that they haven't found their way out yet.

But Ben is different from Ɐwhrayɐ in one major way: He has source material. Though I've been aware of my life as Ben – my Ben fictotype – for much shorter than my life as Ɐwhrayɐ, I know a lot more about my Ben life. I have more noemata, more frequent flashalongs, and my memories of Ben's childhood are much clearer than my memories of Ɐwhrayɐ's childhood. This is undoubtedly because I can just watch an episode of any Ben 1O series and immediately become aware of new things in that life. Whereas Ɐwhrayɐ is more like an original character – rair origins are in tabletop RPGs, but I can't just open up a book and know rair life history. Which is not to say I can know Ben's entire history from just watching the show either. For starters, the show is a mess of time travel and retcons and alternate universes. Secondly: I'm not the Ben depicted on the show.

The Ben 1O cartoons (with the exception of the 2016 reboot) all follow one character who has been dubbed Ben Prime by the fandom. If we view time as a tree with different timelines branching off, Prime is the tree's trunk. We're shown other branches of the tree – No Watch Ben, Bad Ben, Ben 23, Benzarro, and so on – who are all Ben, no matter how differently their lives turned out compared to Prime's. What happens when I watch the show is either nothing (most common; I simply get no indication whether the episode I'm watching is part of my canon), divergence (uncommon; I don't necessarily know how the events happened but I know for sure they didn't happen like they're depicted), or recognition (rare; realizing that things happened pretty much like they're depicted). The most apparent difference between my own timeline and the Prime timeline is that I found the Omnitrix when I was 13 and that I didn't get a break in-between the events of the original series and Alien F//orce. My first 1O aliens were also different from those of Prime and included at least one alien that hasn't appeared on the show (yet). There are many more differences, but most of them are subtle: I still have a relationship with Kai, but it's aromantic. I'm still friends with Rook, but we argue a lot. Azmuth is still the creator of the watch, but I have a sort of coworker relationship with him, more than a mentor/student relationship. And speaking of the watch, the Omnitrix is completely fused to me. My mind has affected its AI and its AI has affected my mind. We function more like a median system than two separate entities. We aren't ourselves without each other. I suppose my true fictotype is the fusion of Ben and the Omnitrix, rather than just Ben T//ennyson. [Here's something I wrote about it not too long ago.] As far as I'm aware, this also isn't a part of the Prime canon.

But this essay isn't supposed to just be about my canon. I'll have plenty of other opportunities to explore that. These pages are devoted to just exploring what it means to me to be fictionkind.

I've already mentioned envisage shifts and "possession" shifts (not a name I'm fond of, but there's so little terminology to describe parallel life experiences, let's just go with that for now). I also frequently experience phantom shifts, where it feels like I'm still wearing the Omnitrix. Those are easy to handle, though. I just put on a bracelet or cuff so there's a physical correspondence to the phantom sensation and go about my day. I also get the occasional chest/bottom phantom sensations, but I can't tell if those are Ben-related since I already experienced them prior to my awakening (and it's a very important part of my beliefs and worldview that all my Ben-feelings only began to appear after my awakening). I also get dream shifts, but since my dreams are pure nonsense, all they tend to involve is me being in Ben's body while going through wacky dream scenarios. If I'm making these shifts sound mundane, it's because they are. At least in comparison the envisage shifts and... by far the strangest and most disorienting shifts I've experienced: The mental shifts. In a mild mental shift I'll just take on a few mannerisms of the character, which can include anything from a chiller/more confident mood, to an inclination to play fighting games instead of my usual RPGs, to an urge to help others more than I'd usually do. Make the shift a bit stronger and I might want to go by Ben's name instead of my own or dress in clothes more similar to his. Turn it up even more, though, and we enter the weird territory. Something more akin to a berserker shift than a mental shift, using therian terminology. I've only experienced this once and it can't have lasted more than 5 seconds, but for those seconds I was fully convinced that I was Ben and I couldn't understand why I was in this foreign body and place. I've taken to calling it an "eclipse shift," since "berserker shift" implies a rabid or feral state of mind, which is not something you can really apply to a human(ish) fictotype, and the shift essentially involves my fictotype's state of mind eclipsing my regular state of mind. Here are some of the discussions we had in the community surrounding it: [link] [link] [link].

My fictionkinity is mainly marked by the aforementioned shifts and "flashalongs," but another trait (perhaps something that exists as a result of those two?) is dysphoria and euphoria. Typically when people think of dys-/euphoria, they think of it as something bodily. And I can't argue that that's not a thing for me too. I'm bigender and genderfluid, which in my case means that I have one static baseline gender identity (female hyena) and one fluid gender, which is most often bison bull, but can be anything – including Just Some Guy, which is basically Ben's gender identity. And when I feel like Just Some Guy, I, of course, experience dysphoria about my very feminine appearance. But that's a thankfully rare thing.

No, most of my Ben-related dysphoria is caused by the restrictions of my present body and mind. Did you know the nearly all versions of Ben T//ennyson have eidetic memory? Or that they have an inherent ability to understand astrophysics? Or that they're adept at half a dozen different fighting styles? I've got none of that. Sure, I could practice memory improvement techniques. I could learn the basics of astrophysics. I could take up martial arts. But every time I've tried, my own frustrations about being a beginner have prevented me from practicing. It's not that I'm a perfectionist and think I should be instantly good at every new skill. I've sucked (or still suck) at a lot of stuff that I do every day – singing, plant care, video games, you name it – but it's not an issue. As the saying goes, sucking at something is the first step to being sorta good at something. But with the talents Ben has... it feels less like learning a new skill and more like having to relearn something I used to be great at. With those subjects, it's like I loose my ability to understand or rationalize why I still suck, so instead of pushing on, I drop it all in frustration. I had just enough patience to understand the surface cause of gravitational time dilation, but once the lectures turned to the theory of relativity, I lost it. I've begrudgingly concluded that my present brain isn't built for that stuff. Until I develop a natural understanding of quantum mechanics, like I'm supposed to have, I'll just stick to my not-Ben-related studies in entomology.

Another thing I struggle with is the limitations of my present body. I feel like it's literally weighing me down. In my Ben life, my body is a construct of the Omnitrix that can be modified, dismantled, and recreated at any time. My consciousness isn't connected to my body; everything that's "me" is stored within the Omnitrix. My body is just a temporary vessel we – the watch and I – have created to interact with the world. It is possible to "upload" my consciousness to the body and for the Omnitrix to completely detach itself, but it's only been done a handful of times and only in life or death situations. And from what I can pericall it's deeply uncomfortably. Only with the Omnitrix gone do I notice how heavy the human body is. Without the watch I feel slow and sluggish and weak. And, in my present life, being able to pericall how I'm supposed to feel – lighter, quicker, stronger – and being unable to do anything about it because nothing can get rid of the heaviness of this body... it's exhausting. It's maddening. And it's not just the heaviness, its staticness is driving me crazy too. I'm meant to be a shapeshifter, and not just in my Ben life, but in my Ɐwhrayɐ life too. Whether due to the Omnitrix happening to attach itself to me, or because I was born with druid powers, I'm a shapeshifter in 2/3 of my lives. And to primarily exist in the life where I'm not a shapeshifter is torture.

But I have to live here. In the present world. I can't spend my life wishing I existed somewhere else. I have to be present; I have to make this life as good as it can be. Anything else would be wasteful. I can't fully get rid of the uncomfortableness of belonging to another world, but I can make this world more comfortable. Make it more like the world I belong in.

Part of me is grateful to have awakened as a character who is, in many ways, just incredibly mundane. The hero archetype is an exaggerated version of a trait I believe everyone is born with: A basic desire to help. Though his circumstances are extraordinary, Ben's motivations could not be more ordinary. So while there is some kind of disconnect between my present life and my Ben life, like our bodies and abilities and relationships, the melding of our minds has been quite harmonic. I feel like this awakening has helped me actualize some desires I already had by turning them into outright urges, and by dialing them up to 100. So, for example, instead of just giving money to the unhoused, I strike up a conversation with them now because it's what he/I/we're supposed to do. Helping my dormmate dry her dishes before she's even asked me to. Always asking others what I can do to help. And it doesn't just extend to people. I find myself, more often than I used to, helping a snail across the road or giving a neglected plant a second chance at life. Taking that extra step is slowly becoming second nature in a lot of my daily interactions. And I find that I do good more for goodness sake, where, in the past, I might've been prone to humble-bragging. (And it pains me to talk about my "good deeds" right now because it actually makes me really embarrassed to get attention for something I feel is the bare minimum of human decency). My awakening wasn't a total life changer. But it did reinforce my desire to be a helper and a caretaker.. a supporting character, I guess you could say. And it instilled in me an idealistic and unwavering belief that people are overall good, despite everything. That pain and suffering are accidents and that kindness is intentional.

I'm Ben. I carry that with me for the foreseeable future – possibly until I die. But I'm also Ɐwhrayɐ. And, most importantly, I'm Poppy. I'm multifaceted, like every other person on Earth. One of my facets just happens to be a fictional character.

[thethoughtsandwich]

Thoughts on Fatmagul, cause I think I'm gonna EXPLODE ok I'm VERY ANGRY

(full disclaimer, I haven't finished the series yet) (but I need to vent somewhere)

Ebe9 is the voice reason and the backbone of this family. She's too patient sometimes.

Mukkades is, undoubtedly, the most evil, retched and envious person that ever walked this earth. ever. That woman oozes poison out of every pore. That twisted smile. The way she walks when she gets away with shit. I cannot begin to articulate how much I despise that evil bitch.

Deniz can straight up suck a dick. "i WaNnA sTaY wItH mY fAmiLy" "i CaMe FrOm fAr aWaY tO bE wItH mY bELoVeD bRoThEr" bitch. Get the fuck outta here. You met them literally 72 hours ago and NOBODY wants you there. Go fucking home you spoiled brat.

How is it that Mustafa went from simple fisherman to tasteful action holder??? Tf kind of magic character development is that???

Rahmi is a pure soul and must be protected at all times.

Emre is a nosy bitch, get a fucking hobby man.

Erdogan is the devil incarnate, can't wait to see him ROT IN PRISON

Meltem is... so bland.

That landmark in Izmir is the weirdest thing I have ever seen, I NEED to stand under it like, yesterday.

Fatmagül's cakes look so incredibly delicious I'm enraged I can't taste them

Murat is probably gonna need a shrink with all this. Surrounded by rape victims, former convicts, that harpy of a mother and the crazed violent intruder every other week. Poor kid.

I would probably spend every free hour I have at Fatmagül's restaurant. I would practically live there.

Who tf is Mehmet??? Where did he come from?? What's his deal?? One day he just appeared like a forest mushroom and everyone was like "ok guess you now work and live at the restaurant" wtf??

What is up with Vural's father's face? He looks like a panda that fell into a blender

WHY ARE RAPE VICTIMS THE ONES WHO PAY THE PRICE OF BEING WRONGED?????? WHY IS SHAME BIGGER THAN JUSTICE????? FUCK.

Mustafa's parents are the reason everything went down like that. "yOu DiShOnOrED oUr SoN, yOu WhOrE" MISS ME WITH THAT SHIT. FUCKWADS.

Kerim's transformation into a real man is impressive. A man who stands up for what is right no matter the consequences that may carry for him is a character trope we don't see enough.

I could write an entire essay on Fatmagül. I have so many thoughts and feelings. Whoops there come the tears. I'll come back to this one later ig

Resat Yasaran is a mysoginistic bully and can Get. Fucked.

[soemthingsparkly]

I’m Your Dad, Now.

An unexpected sequel to Florence Nightingale, Eat Your Heart Out.

The parallel events of Alex, Flynn, and Reggie.

--

I’m Your Dad, Now

1.6k words.

Ao3

--

Alex and Flynn are laying on Flynn's bedroom floor when both of their phones buzz across the room.

Alex reaches for his phone, but Flynn pins his wrist to the carpet. "Stay still," she says, not for the first time that afternoon, as she brushes nail polish onto his ring finger.

Alex pouts, but rests his chin back on the floor and watches as the girl delicately paints his nails a peppy candy floss pink.

"You are going to take this off before I go home, right?”Alex asks, feeling like a dick for asking. “Just that my dad's head will explode if he sees this."

Flynn pulls a face, but agrees nonetheless. "Honestly, I just wanna smack your dad sometimes," she says with a sigh.

Alex huffs a breathy laugh through his nose. “Yeah, get in line.”

Flynn smirks and sits up, capping the polish and sweeping her fallen braids over her shoulder. Alex admires his bright nails with a small smile.

"Alright, when those are dry, I'm gonna paint little drum sticks and cymbals on 'em. It’s gonna look cute as hell.”

Alex wets his lips to stop himself from smiling too wide. "Cool, thanks."

"Anytime, sweet boy," she says, reaching for her phone on the bed. She yanks it from the charger and scans her thumbprint, casually swiping through her messages and notifications.

Alex is deciding whether or not he wants sticks on his thumb when he hears Flynn mutter a sharp "Fuck," under her breath.

He looks up and raises an eyebrow.

"Everything alright?" he asks and his stomach sinks when she shakes her head, her fist at her lips, her eyes locked onto her screen. "Flynn?"

"Group chat."

Alex reaches for his phone and checks his messages. He finds a string of messages pouring into the group chat from all four other members, including Flynn. He quickly scrolls to the top to catch up.

Flynn and The Sinners

4:23pm

Alex feels his pulse leap as he continues to scroll through the conversation.

Pure Boy 🌟: So...

Pure Boy 🌟: Dad threw a glass at the wall in the dinging room.

Pure Boy 🌟: when was at the table doing my homework.

Pure Boy 🌟: and a piece may or may not have got me 😅

Queen Molin(a): wait really? are you okay?

Pure Boy 🌟: it was just a small piece

Flexy McBisceps: ffs dude what are you kidding me??

Pure Boy 🌟: do you think Mrs Peters will grade me down for getting blood on my essay? 😅

“Alex,” Flynn says.

Flexy McBisceps: you’re bleeding????!

Queen Molin(a): Reg, are you okay??

Pure Boy 🌟: I’m fine, it’s just a little bit of blood haha

Flexy McBisceps: fuck sake dude why was he throwing shit in the first place???

Pure Boy 🌟: I dunno, he was fine one second and then the next

Pure Boy 🌟: 🌋👀

🌜SpaceFlynn🌛: Dude, that’s messed up

🌜SpaceFlynn🌛: Did he at least... help you?

Pure Boy 🌟: nah, he just yelled at me for making a mess and stormed out

Pure Boy 🌟: i’m just hanging out

Pure Boy 🌟: over the sink 

Pure Boy 🌟: 😅

Flexy McBisceps: I’m gonna fucking kill him, bro, I stg.

Flexy McBisceps: 😡🤬😡🤬😡🤬

“Way ahead of you,” Alex says, thumbing in his own message.

Alex forgets about his nails as he pulls on his denim jacket, until he looks down at his hands and frowns. 

🌈Pray me Away 🌸: Reg, me and Flynn are just hanging out, so we’re gonna come get you okay?

🌜SpaceFlynn🌛: Are you able to get out of the house?

Pure Boy 🌟: yeah, I think so

Pure Boy 🌟: dad shut himself in his office and mom went out for lunch

Pure Boy 🌟: you guys don’t have to come here tho im okay

Pure Boy 🌟: It’s just funny 😅

Flexy McBisceps: Dude, it’s not funny! You’re dad is an asshole 🤬

🌜SpaceFlynn🌛: nah dude, pack a bag, you’re staying at mine tonight. I already asked my parents.

Pure Boy 🌟: noooo, you don’t have to do that Flynn 

🌜SpaceFlynn🌛: well I am and you can’t tell me what to do 

🌜SpaceFlynn🌛:  💕💗💕💗💓💖

“Sorry, I...” he begins, before showing them to Flynn. His thumbs, fingers, and palms are smudged with tacky pink polish.  

She crooks a smile at him and shakes her head. “It’s fine, I’ll do it again later. First Reggie,” she says, pulling the hair out the collar of her own denim. “Let’s roll.”

Alex nods and squeezes the keys to his truck in his pocket. “Alright, let’s go.”

--

As Alex pulls up outside the beach-front house, he spots Reggie, sitting on the porch, with his head in his hand, and next to him, there’s a small rucksack. As he looks up, however, Alex notices that he’s holding a rag to his forehead and the rag is steeped with red. 

He barely remembers to pull on the parking break as he flings himself out of the driver’s side. Flynn is close behind as he hurries to the boy, who stands up and swings his bag onto his shoulder. 

“Hey, guys,” Reggie says, wearing a guilty smile.

"Reg,” Alex breathes. He swallows, looking the boy up and down. It’s not his usual attire. Instead, Reggie is in a dark grey hoodie, a pair of black jeans and some old trainers. He didn’t intend to be in public today. 

“You said it was just a little bit of blood,” Flynn gasps, brows drawn in horror as she stares at the rag.

Alex steps forward and takes Reggie’s arm by the wrist. He gently pries his hand away from his forehead. Reggie lowers his eyes as Alex examines the gash above his left eyebrow. Without the rag, blood wells to the surface of his skin and slides over his brow. Reggie has to shut his eye. 

Alex takes the rag from Reggie’s hand and reapplies it to his head. “Okay,” he says, softly, though the anger inside is hot and thunderous. “Okay, Reg.”

Now free, Reggie shoves both of his hands into the front pocket of his hoodie. He leans against Alex’s hand. “Sorry,” he mumbles.

Flynn puts her hand on Reggie’s arm, and slides it down the dark fabric to hook her thumb in the crook of his elbow. “Don’t say sorry, Reg. You’ve got nothing to apologise for, okay?”

Alex folds the rag again and presses it against his wound. “I think you’re going to need stitches. We should probably take you to the emergency room.”

Reggie winces, but not from the pain. “You really think it’s that bad?”

“Dude, you texted us, like, twenty minutes ago, and you’re still bleeding. I think it’s that bad.”

“Oh,” he says, and then, “What happened to your hand?”

Alex frowns, caught off guard for a moment, before he looks at his hand. His candy floss stained hand. He snorts. 

“I was painting his nails,” Flynn explains.

“I like the colour.”

“Thanks, Reg.”

“It suits you.”

Alex laughs and throws an arm around his friend. “Okay, dork, let’s get you fixed up.”

--

Later, they’re back at Flynn’s. Once again, Flynn and Alex lay on their stomachs, this time in a floor nest, surrounded by blankets and pillows. 

The tip of Flynn’s tongue pokes out her lips as she draws tiny drums on Alex’s stumpy fingernails. Alex is fixated.

Reggie, whose nails have already been painted poppy red, sits to one side, chomping away on a bowl of vegetable crisps. 

“And your mom just makes these?”

Flynn narrows her eyes as she draws a final stroke on Alex’s nail, before she lets get of his hand and puts the stopper in her precision polish. “Yup. She likes to go all out, especially when any of us have friends round.”

“That’s so cool,” Reggie says, shaking his head. He looks back into the bowl, and finds only a handful of chips remain. “Did you guys–”

“Go wild, big man,” Flynn says with a laugh.

Reggie’s eyes light up, before he stuffs the final handful into his mouth and crunches. He throws a hand up to stop the crumbs from spilling and Alex shrivels his nose.

“You’re gross.”

“Aw-ex,” Reggie moans around the food in his mouth, shoulders dropping.

Alex puts out a hand, to shield himself from the view. “No, stop. Don’t make me regret bringing you here.”

Reggie chuckles and chews until he can swallow. He dabs the bowl with his finger to get the crumbs, while Alex admires Flynn’s artistry on his nails.

“Like them?” she asks. 

“They’re really cool.”

“Good,” she says, beaming as she clears away the bottles of polish that litter their nest.

“I still feel bad that I have to take them off before I go home tomorrow.”

Flynn zips up the bag of polish and throws it down. “Okay, you know what?” she points a sharp finger at Alex. “I’m your dad now.”

“You’re my dad?”

She points at Reggie, who looks like he’s just been caught with his hand in the cookie jar. “And yours. You hear me? You’re my boys now. I’m your dad. We’re gonna go to the park, play catch. I’mma put you on my shoulders and we’re gonna have ourselves a gay ol’ time.”

Alex and Reggie look at each other, before they break out into matching grins. 

“But you better buy me something nice for father’s day.”

--

Taglist:

@chaoslaura @lyra-pador @soni-dragon @fuckin-fudge-nutter @doveflight44 @bowtiesareavenged @rightontheborderz @spookyghostalex @gutsy-wutsys @julemmaes @khat58 @fangirlwithanxiety @allhailthesanders @random-nerd-3 @alexpjoyner @whale-mafia