#i have like 2 things i need to work on but instead i did this

[agirlnamednix]

I absolutely LOVE my Boyf because he just...says that? He's really blunt about it. It feels like he's reprimanding me sometimes, but I've grown to understand that he's trusting me. He knows that I know. So instead of getting upset about it, I give him the time he needs to recenter, to be more present, to find his soul somewhere in his body again. It's something I'm trying to do more and better, too.

At work the other day, someone came in and asked a very simple question. It required a 2-3 word answer. And I just...couldn't. I knew the answer, I knew exactly what he wanted from me, I knew I could provide it...and I just locked up. In previous situations, I would have panicked and stared at him and eventually snapped at him. I've done that a lot in the past. But then I remembered how my Boyf says it: "I'm sorry. I'm unable to communicate right now. Please give me a moment." And I said that to my coworker.

Of course he didn't understand. He immediately tried to bully me into giving him the answer NOW. So I just said it again: "Please give me a moment to bring myself back to this moment." And then I closed my eyes. I took a deep breath. I could still hear him getting annoyed and frustrated, and I felt myself unable to reconnect to the moment because of it. So I forced myself to say "Please let me have some time to fix my brain here. I will find you downstairs in a minute."

That coworker left in a huff, muttering about how much of a freak I was, and he slammed my office door. I started crying. And that's okay! It's a lot, and that guy was being abusive. I'm fortunate enough to have a private office to myself! I took a couple minutes, did some breathing exercises, brought my self back to my body. The act of SAYING that to him gave me a little push to be more present, to reallocate mental resources. Then I found him in his workspace, said "I'm really sorry about earlier. Here's the answer to your question." and he suddenly got really sheepish about it. He said he was sorry for being shitty about it. I said it was all good; it's weird for other people to need to navigate my dysfunction. I thanked him for his patience with me, even though he very obviously showed none at all. But accusing him would've done nothing to help.

In my heart, I just hoped that my coworker understood me a little better, and I knew he would get frustrated about it again in the future. But SAYING TO HIM that I was unable to be in the moment for him was seriously helpful in moving through that situation. And it's laying the groundwork for future interactions being easier as a result.

With friends and loved ones, it's very VERY simple: just say that you're having a rough time being present! Just tell them! I know it's hard, it's shameful, it's scary...but trust me. After 30+ years of navigating this bullshit--all of which is wildly unfair, uncomfortable, and sometimes even dehumanizing--it's one of the most healing things you can do. Admitting to your loved ones that you're having a hard time being sentient is not only going to foster honesty and trust between you, but it will NORMALIZE RECOVERING FROM IT. You'll feel better about this not being something that's broken in you, and HOPEFULLY your loved ones will adjust to help you. If they don't...well, then you aren't really one of their loved ones, are you?

Demand better of your loved ones. And trust in your ability to get through this. You're always stronger than you realize...and sometimes admitting weakness is how you finally see it. ♥♥♥

[delulumel]

Still yours

Pairing: exbf!bangchan x f!reader

Genre: ex’s to lovers, a little bit of angst, fluff at the end, possesive!chan

Synopsis: they say time heals wounds but two years later, he still looks at you like you are his. The problem is…you never stopped being his.

Word count: 3.0k

Warnings: cursing

Note: I’ve read so many stories here so I thought I might give this a try. I’m kinda nervous but hope you like it!

Your breakup with Chan wasn’t dramatic. No screaming, no breaking things—just the quiet realisation that you two won’t work out. The distance between you has stretched too far, the missed calls and unanswered messages for days.

But the last thing you didn’t expect from him was forgetting your birthday.

He didn’t forgot—no, he called you saying he will be working late and not to wait for him. While you stand there wearing your cute dress expecting him to surprise you.

When he showed at your shared apartment he knew immediately. He remembered it last minute and ran to you, but it was already late. The colour of his face drained when he saw the bag full of your belongings.

“We can’t do this anymore.” you said, your voice steadier than you felt.

Chris didn’t argue—he couldn’t, it was his fault. He just stood there and accepted it.

You thought that would be the end of it.

But you were wrong.

You tried to move on

You deleted his number, threw away things that reminded you of him, you started to date other people—most of them were horrible.

Chan though didn’t move on.

He didn’t blow up your phone or something. Instead, he lingered.

“@gnabnahc liked your post” at 2 AM

He commented at old posts “I remember that day.”

And then your friends brought him up.

“Chan asked about you yesterday.” your friend mentioned.

You stiffened “what did he say?”

“He just wanted to know if you are seeing anyone.”

“Why?”

“You know how he is. He doesn’t like sharing you.”

You rolled your eyes. “he didn’t seem to mind sharing his time with everyone but me when we were together.”

Later that night you had a dream about him. Of course he would creep back into your mind after some while.

You shouldn’t have gone to the party.

But your friends begged you just so you can clear your mind.

The moment you walked in, he was there.

Leaning against the balcony railing, drink in hand, laughing at something Hyunjin said to him. His hair was a little longer, his black button-up rolled up to his elbows— he looked really good.

You turned to leave.

“Y/n” a familiar voice called you.

When you turned back Chan was already walking to you, his gaze dark.

“You are here.” He said in a deep voice.

“Yeah, suprise.” you said while forcing a smile.

His eyes devouring your figure like he wanted to memorize the image. “You look good.”

“Thanks.” you took a step back “You look good too.”

His jaw clenched “You’ve been avoiding me.”

“No” You lied “Just busy.”

“Bullshit” He stepped closer “You blocked my number.”

“Well that’s how breakup works Chan.”

Then—thank god—Hyunjin slided an arm around his shoulders, grinning “Stop scaring the guests man.”

He didn’t smile. He continued to stare at you.

You on the other hand tried to escape to the kitchen.

He followed you.

Of course he did.

The second you stepped inside, you whirled around “What the hell Chan?”

He pinned you against the kitchen counter, his body way to close, the cologne he always wore filling your lungs. “You blocked me” he repeated.

“I had to” Your body trying to escape but the marble counter was stopping you. “You kept—”

“Kept what? Caring?” His warm breath warming your face. “You think I could just stop?”

“You didn’t care enough when you needed to.” you shot back.

Chan let out a harsh laugh. “That’s what you think? That I didn’t care? I cared too fucking much. That’s why I worked so hard trying to built something—”

“For who?” You interrupted. “Because it sure hell wasn’t for us”

The words hung between you. Chan’s expression twisted, something vulnerable flashing across his face.

“You’re right, I fucked up.” His hand hovered near your face before it dropped to his side. “But don’t stand here telling me you didn’t know what you got yourself into. You knew who I was—what my life was like.”

“I knew the man who promised me I’d always come first.” Your voice breaking “Not the man who ignored me for weeks.”

Chan’s composure cracked. “I was trying to built a future for us!”

“Without me in it!” Tears blurred your vision. “You made all the plans, all the decisions but you never asked what I wanted!”

“I just wanted you.” You whispered. “Not your success. Not your sacrifices. Just you.”

Chan’s breath hitched. For a long moment he just stared at you, his eyes tracing every feature like he was memorising you. Finally he brought his hand up to cradle your cheek.

“Well I’m here now” he murmured, thumb brushing away a tear that had slipped from your eyes. “All of me. Let me make it up to you.”

You searched his face—the sincerity in his eyes, the tension in his shoulders, the way his fingers trembled slightly against your skin. Two years of anger and loneliness warred with the part of you that never stopped loving him.

Chan held perfectly still, letting you look your fill, letting you decide. The music from inside faded into background noise.

When you finally leaned in, his sharp intake of breath was the last thing you heard before his lips met yours.

A/N: omg I’m sweating, this is not for the easy lol. If you see any mistakes please let me know!❤️

[magicaloneandmystery]

blush

pairing: Bucky Barnes x female!reader

summary: the five times Bucky made you blush and the one time you did.

warnings: AU where all Avengers are alive and live together as a family because I say so; lots of fluffy couply things because I'm In A Mood™; this is NOT proofread!!

1.

the two of you were new to this... relationship. not that it was an exclusive one. you were still figuring out whether you wanted to be a superhero's girlfriend and Bucky was still figuring out what modern dating looked like.

today was your third date, an evening to the new observatory, both of you excited to look at some stars together. New York could be suffocating without the glitter in the sky.

you were wearing a blue, full-sleeved top with a sweetheart neckline, paired with dark trousers. when you met Bucky in front of your door, he gave you a once over before a charming smile spread over his lips.

"I'm not sure whether I'll be able to focus on the stars if you look like that, doll."

it was the first time he had called you by a nickname. his words paired with him calling you doll in that low, teasing voice made heat crawl up your neck and face, your bashful smile directed at the ground as a sudden wave of butterflies swarmed your belly.

"th- thank you?" you said, not sure how to respond.

he chuckled warmly, holding out the helmet for you.

"and if you keep reacting so cutely, I'll have to call you doll more often," he remarked, meeting your eyes and winking at you.

damn him and his disarming smile.

2.

after an exciting time at the observatory, both of you were walking down the New York streets together to get some food to eat. his bike was still parked at the observatory, you two deciding to walk to the nearby quaint cafe instead.

walks with Bucky were one of your favourite things. despite his long strides and natural tendency to walk fast, he would consciously slow down to stroll behind you, your hands animatedly talking about a random topic and his staying in his pockets.

when a rowdy friend group suddenly crowded the sidewalk, Bucky's hands immediately found yours, pulling you close to him as you two passed them.

it was the first time he had held your hand, his big, calloused hand almost enveloping yours. somehow, they fit perfectly, like two jigsaw pieces.

it was a weird sensation holding his hand. good weird.

you could feel his steady hold grounding you to the present despite the way your insides were melting at the contact.

when the path cleared, you expected him to let go of your hand.

instead, it loosened slightly but still held on, now a more casual grip than the protective one it mimicked earlier.

you continued to talk about your favourite Latin phrases while he walked on as usual, the other hand in his pocket.

your hands intertwined together felt natural.

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3.

you had heard about the glamourous, over the top Tony Stark Galas. everyone had heard of them. never in a million years would you have thought you'll be invited to one.

so when Bucky asked "would you be my date for the Stark thing?" it took you a few moments to understand what he was saying.

"Stark thing? like, the Tony Stark Charity Gala?" your voice had raised by two octaves, excitement bleeding from your voice.

"yeah, that," Bucky's nonchalance gave way to amusement at your reaction.

you squealed in delight. "will Captain America be there? I mean Steve and Sam both. Black Widow? Thor?"

you started pacing in front of him, his eyes following you.

"I don't know what to wear, but wait- what if I make a fool in front of them?"

"you do realise these are all people I work with."

you turned around with a flurry that had Bucky concerned about whiplash. "wait so... we'll be going together?"

"... yes?"

"no, like. together together?"

"doll, you need to be clearer."

you shook your head, standing directly in front of him, your feet touching his as you looked up to him.

"I'll be your date." you stated, as if that was supposed to clear things up for Bucky.

"yes," he nodded, still giving you a confused smile.

"you'll introduce me as your...?"

"date?" he responded, his eyebrows scrunching in a cute but dumbfounded way.

you groaned. "Bucky this is the first time I'll be meeting your friends!" exasperation laced your tone. "that's... that's a huge step for us, right?" your hands found each other, fiddling with each other.

"do you not want to?" he asked, suddenly nervous. had he pushed you too far? Sam had given him the 'don't take things too fast' talk when he had ventured into dating in the 21st century.

"no, I want to," you clarified quickly. "I just want to make sure we're on the same page. you're ready for this, yeah?"

"of course," he stated, tugging you closer by your hands, his arms wrapping around your frame. "I get to show you off and prove to Romanoff that I can get girls to go out with me."

the sentence brought you back to your earlier predicament. "oh my god Bucky I don't have anything to wear! and my hair! and makeup! this is an Avengers affair! what if I embarrass myself?! what if I embarrass you!"

"doll," he tightened his hold on you, kissing you to shut you up.

your mind came to a stop, your focus shifting on his lips.

"it'll be fine," he promised. "you'll be great. you'll look pretty - there's no way you could look ugly even if you tried - and I'll make sure to punch anyone who dares say anything against you. yeah?"

"okay," you said in a daze, looking up at his eyes, finding comfort in the ocean staring back at you. "but no punching."

"no promises."

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when the big day was here, you were surprised at how good you looked. after all the panic and indecision, the begging your girl gang to help you get ready, the shopping and the borrowing of dress, accessories, and everything else, you were satisfied when you looked in the mirror. you looked pretty.

you hoped Bucky would think the same.

so when you opened your apartment door and saw him standing outside in a dark blue suit, the jacket hugging his biceps, the shirt underneath outlining his chest, and the tie adding a delicious flair, with his thick thighs being on full display with the slacks...

your breath hitched. you felt familiar heat up your neck, a blush forming on your face by just looking at him.

you didn't have energy to focus on your insecurities when you could focus on Bucky and how downright decision he looked.

"you look exquisite, doll," he said, a single white tulip in his hands. you had strictly banned him from getting bouquets for some time, after he filled your apartment with flowers and you were running out of vases. but he couldn't not get you a flower. especially for an occasion such as this. your first public appearance together.

"Bucky, you look..." you breathed out, mind working in overdrive to find a word that would describe the effect he has on you. your mind was also distracted by his slicked hair and clean shaven face, the way his eyes sparkled when he looked at you, the way his muscles bulged when he moved his arms. "simply delicious." you settled.

well, so much for being coherent.

he chuckled. "I could say the same about you."

4.

he held out the flower in front of you, giving you a wide grin as you narrowed your eyes at him.

"you said no bouquets," he winked.

you sighed, shaking your head.

he assessed your hairstyle before you could take the flower, deeming it good enough for his next actions.

he tucked the flower behind your ear.

Bucky Barnes, the feared assassin, tucked a tulip in his date's hair.

like a lovesick fool.

you blushed even more profusely at his actions.

"it goes well with the dress," he concluded, giving you a once over, taking your hand in his. he pulled you closer, his other hand settling on your waist. "did I tell you how beautiful you look?"

"yes," you said, still in awe of the man in front of you. "did I tell you how handsome you look?"

he chuckled, kissing you, careful of your lipstick.

"are you two ever getting out of here? I have a takeout box and Netflix waiting for me at home," your best friend said from behind you.

"right," you pulled away from Bucky, turning around. "thank you for the help," you hugged her goodbye.

5.

the gala was... overwhelming. both in a good and bad way.

the Avengers were everything you hoped for. a delight.

the attention, on the other hand...

but Bucky was always there, a hand on your back or around your waist. if he left, it was to bring you a drink or talk to someone about some superhero-y thing. classified and top secret. but he was never out of your reach for too long.

in the rare moments he was, his team members kept you company.

Steve and Sam were teasing but respectful, trying to get you to tell them embarrassing stories about Bucky. Wanda and Natasha were friendly, letting you be comfortable in their presence and dishing out gossip to you as if you three were a clique. Pepper and Jane occasionally joined the three of you. Thor was... booming. loud. his presence demanded attention, which made sense. he was a god, after all. Loki, on the other hand, was a shadow. he would occasionally prank someone in a small way, but nothing too major or serious. he was a refreshing presence. Tony was the star, the one that got everyone to act like a group. a united front, and all that. he was both charming and disarming, intimidating to an outsider like you at first, but his warmth was noticeable after some time.

the team welcomed you into their group easily. so much so, they even welcomed you at the after party.

when Bucky returned with your drink, he heard the end of your conversation with Tony.

"think about it, we could use a mind like you," Tony was saying, nodding his head at Barnes in acknowledgement.

"are you poaching my girl, Stark?" Bucky asked, pulling you closer.

"just offering her a better pay, right sweetheart?" he said.

you laughed, nodding. "I'll think about your offer."

"you know where to contact me," he raised his glass, swiftly siding away in response. you frowned in confusion.

"I actually don't know that..."

"are you having fun?" Bucky asked.

"yeah, your friends are nice. do you think they like me?" you played with the lapels on his coat.

"you're their new darling," he said, stealing a kiss. "I think they'll be fighting me for your attention."

"Bucky!" you said, slapping his shoulder. "don't kiss me, we're in front of the Avengers." you whispered the last phrase.

"so?" he laughed. "I'm one of them."

"yeah but you're... you. I know you."

"do you, now?" he raised his eyebrows. you could practically feel the teasing remark on his lips.

"I know you well enough to know you're not gonna stop kissing me in front of your friends."

"damn right," he said, leaning down to give you a proper kiss. the one that left you in a breathless daze afterwards. with a slow motion of your lips, the taste from your drinks mingling with each other. faintly, you could hear Sam shouting a teasing remark that only made Bucky pull you closer to his chest.

when you pulled away, your lipstick was smudged on his lips, but he seemed to not mind.

you could barely meet anyone's eyes for the next ten minutes, cheeks and neck flushed at the memory of Bucky's very public display of affection.

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6.

you were sprawled out on Bucky's chest, the movie playing in front of you, but it was well in the background of your perception. your mind was clouded with new information about your relationship with Bucky, unable to focus on anything else, not even the way his fingers made patterns on your back as he held you.

he could sense you were distracted.

"is everything okay?" his voice pulled you out of your thoughts.

you wondered whether to share the information with him or not. would it help your relationship? it could make or break your future, effectively changing your life forever.

your thoughts were a jumbled mess.

"I came across some new information about our relationship," you said, finally.

that made Bucky sit up, pausing the movie to give you his full attention.

"I think this could make or break us," you repeated your thoughts out loud.

"okay..." Bucky said slowly, not sure what you were getting at. "what kind of information?"

"feelings," you said simply, looking at him expectantly.

"feelings?"

you nodded.

"you've stopped making sense again," he stated simply.

"the information has to do with feelings," you clarified.

"uh... still not making sense."

"I think I love you," you clarified further.

"you- what?" Bucky spluttered, not expecting that.

"I think about you all day, I dream about our future. you make me feel safe, warm, and excited about life. you've made it really hard to not fall for you, you know that? from your compliments to your gestures to your looks. it's a little frustrating how perfect you are."

for the first time, you saw a blush creep up Bucky's neck, a pink tint to his skin.

it was a beautiful thing - everything about this man was - the way his eyes darted around with a sheepish smile, the way his hand wrung together with nerves in a way you've never seen him. Bucky Barnes didn't blush or lose control.

apparently, he did now.

"do you mean all of that?" he said, his voice a whisper you had to strain to listen.

"yeah. every word. I love you, Bucky," you repeated. "you can take your time to say it back, or whatever, I don't really know. I- I just don't want this to ruin what we-"

your words were cut off with an oof escaping your lips before they were covered by his. this time, his kiss was deeper, his tongue fighting with yours for dominance before you gave way. he languidly explored your mouth, his hands gripping the side of your face, his fingers stroking your cheek.

your hands were on his neck, feeling his heat.

when you both broke away, you smiled at him.

"Bucky, you're blushing," you gushed, kissing his cheeks, adoration swelling in your chest.

"shut up," he grumbled, no real heat behind his words.

"make me?" you said.

he kissed you again. and again and again.

when the two of you were done kissing each other, he rested his forehead against yours. he was looking at you, eyes intense and focused only on you.

"I love you, too," he said finally, letting his walls crumble around you, letting you hold him safely.

tears welled in your eyes, the rush of feelings washing over you.

"I love you, Bucky," you repeated.

you spent the night intertwined with each other.

likes, comments, and reblogs are appreciated! thank you so much for reading :D

[nowprettybbyimrunning]

Winter

This is chapter 2 from the series "Carter's Favorite Season is Autumn", series masterlist HERE, chapter 1 HERE, add yourself to my taglist HERE.

W.C: 8k

WARNINGS: mention of blood, inaccurate medical procedures, i think some cursing

AUTHOR'S NOTE: i think this kinda gets progressively more shitty as you reach the end.

Three days. Three whole working days had passed since Carter’s and Autumn’s little fight and she still wasn’t talking to him and John did not know for how long he could take it. It was more than just the fact that he had an enormous crush on her and she was not even looking at him, killing him. It was the fact that they were friends, they had a kind of routine together that for Carter had become, in a way, sacred. 

Every time he got home, instead of relaxing and being happy about having a few hours of silence and peace, Carter couldn’t wait for the next day to start just so he could see Autumn. There was brightness and warmness in the way she bounced into the ER, messy curls tucked into her big brown coat and characteristic green scarf that somehow made the orangey red of her hair stand out even more; usually two coffees in her hands, and one was for him. By the time she had walked up to the entry dest where he was impatiently waiting, John had already caught himself staring at her in awe. Jerry always laughed at him. Everyone did. To the point that now he was being called “loverboy” behind his back. Carter could only hope that his new nickname hadn’t reached Autumn’s ears.

But he had ruined it. He had been an asshole and clearly deserved what he was getting (which was nothing, and that was the problem); yet, he thought the way she had been acting was at least a tiny bit childish. What were they, five years old? Carter knew he needed just three seconds to express how utterly sorry he was for the way he had acted and they’d be back to normal. ‘Cause if there was one thing he had gotten to know pretty well in almost two months of residency, was Autumn, and there was no way this wasn’t also pissing her off.

Anyways, the point is that he missed her. Just three days and it felt like a lifetime without her. John did not feel like he was being dramatic. Yes, he had seen her, of course he had it was impossible not to. Still, she hadn’t talked to him. Not. A. Single. Word. 

So, he decided that day would be the last one he’d let the redhead keep on ignoring him.

Autumn had just gotten to the hospital and went straight to the break room to enjoy at least five minutes of peace while she drank her coffee before someone called her for help. She found that Carter was already inside the dimly lit room, sitting on the couch and drinking his own mug of coffee. She knew he was looking at her, she could feel it. But she was not going to look at him or talk to him, not until he said sorry. That’s all it took, Dr. Hawthorn just wanted to hear her friend apologize.

They hadn’t said a word to each other since she walked out of the exam room after Carter stitched her up. Everyone was talking about their little argument, Autumn had heard the nurses whispering and every time she walked into a room Carol and Susan were already in, they stopped talking. She didn’t know exactly what they were saying, but they were talking. And if that wasn’t enough, the gossip was not only about her and John, but also about her and Doug.

Dr. Ross had gone to check up on her after the incident with the psych patient. It was late at night and he hadn’t had dinner yet, so she served him a plate of the pasta she had cooked for herself. That’s it. But of course once he went back to the ER and told Lydia what he had been doing, it suddenly had been a date. It was not.

Sure! Doug was a hot guy, every single person working or not at County General knew that, but Autumn was not interested at all. Plus, she did not want to get into trouble, and whatever little game Dr. Ross was trying to get her into had already reached Dr. Greene, who did not doubt asking her about it.

“Dr. Hawthorn, do you have a minute?” Was the first thing Autumn heard when she came back to work the next day and Mark was waiting at the entry desk.

“Yeah, sure” she followed him into an empty (thank god) exam room, “is there a problem?” the redhead expected him to ask her about the psych patient or, worst case scenario, about Carter.

“No, not really,” Dr. Greene started, “it’s just that, you know how fast word travels in here” sure thing Sherlock, “and I heard that Dr. Ross took time off yesterday to pay you a visit,” that was not the topic of conversation she was hoping for.

“Yeah, he just wanted to check on me and give me some painkillers,” Autumn excused him.

“And have dinner,” oh oh.

“Dr. Greene I swear it’s not like that, at all” was she sweating? yeah she was.

“I know, I know” Mark held up both hands to stop her from talking, “but Doug is… well, he is Doug. And I want you to be careful,” she did not appreciate the babying, but she understood it.

Since then Autumn tried to keep things between her and Doug strictly professional, and it was working, she hoped. But the silence in the break room did not last long, it was exactly Dr. Ross who cut through it by stepping inside.

“There you are,” he said leaning against the lockers, “I need you in room 2”.

“Who?” Carter asked.

“Both of you, now,” Autumn and John immediately left their half drank coffees and followed Doug down the corridor, “ten year old boy, has been coughing for a few days and has a little fever, figured you Autumn specially would like to go solo”.

“Me?” There was clear surprise in her voice.

“Yes, do you not want to?” Dr. Ross asked jokingly.

“No- I mean, yeah of course who’s with him?”

“Mom’s in there, the kid’s name is Liam I-” Doug was interrupted by Carter.

“Do I have to be there?” 

“Yes” Doug looked at him, “like I was going to say, I’ll be there in the room watching over just in case, and you too Dr. Carter,” he handed a clear chart for Autumn to take.

She grabbed the paper, a bit nervous, and entered the room with Doug and John behind her, going directly toward the exam table, while the other two men stayed back closer to the door.

Liam was already sitting on the exam table, his legs slightly swinging back and forth, on his hands what seemed to be a keychain. Autumn gave a bright smile to the kid’s mom who sat in a chair next to the boy before she started to talk.

“Hi there,” she snapped on a pair of gloves, “My name is Autumn and they are Dr. Ross and Dr. Carter” she signaled with her right hand the direction where they were standing, John almost jumped at hearing her acknowledge him “I’m a medical student, is it okay if I examine you today?” Autumn waited for the mom’s approval and Liam’s confirmation. When she got a nod from the woman and a shy ‘yes’ from the kid she took her stethoscope off around her neck and prepared to use it.

“It’s nothing too serious, he has just been coughing for a few days and it won’t stop” the mom told her.

“Okay, then let’s take a listen to see what’s going on, Liam can you please sit straight for me?” the little boy did just as he was asked, “excellent, now take a deep breath in”. Autumn listened carefully first to his chest, “and out,” there was a bit of a wheeze but she wanted to be sure so she moved on to listen through his back, “good,now do it again one more time,” and yes, there definitely was. She took off the stethoscope and took down some notes on the chart, “has he had any history of asthma? he or anyone in the family”.

“No, not really” Liam’s mom shook her head, “he rarely gets sick, he’s usually a very healthy kid”.

“Any pets or smokers at home?” Dr. Hawthorn kept on asking the regular questions.

“Not, it’s just us, no other animals or people”

“I see,” Autumn took a moment to think, “if there’s no pets, smokers or prior asthma then I’m going to order a chest X-ray to confirm if it is early bronchitis or just a virus that’s too stubborn to go away yet,” she looked at Dr. Ross to see if he had any objections.

“Sounds about right,” Autumn smiled, “go and put down the order, good job Dr. Hawthorn,” the redhead wanted to scream at Doug’s words but she contained herself and instead just rushed out of the exam room with the biggest smile on her face.

Carter had wanted to stop her to tell her she had been amazing, but decided against it when he noticed she was still not looking at him.

Autumn watched as the technician clipped the X-rays into place, “is this the first one you’re doing alone?” he asked.

“Yes, it is” she got closer to see better.

“Well, the lungs are clear, what were you looking for exactly?” the old man tried to help.

“Just wanted to make sure the patient doesn’t have bronchitis.”

“Doesn’t seem like it”

“Yeah, it probably is just a virus,” Dr. Hawthorn scribbled what she was seeing onto the chart, “can I take those with me? so Dr. Ross can take a look at them”

“Yeah of course, let me get an envelope,” she waited patiently for the man to hand her back a brown envelope with Liam’s X-Rays inside and went on a mission to find Doug. It took her a few minutes but she finally caught him talking to Dr. Greene.

“Dr. Ross, do you have a minute? I have Liam’s X-Rays with me,” she held them up and then handed them over.

“Yeah, let me see” Doug opened the envelope and examined them, “what do you think Dr. Hawthorn?,” he looked at her.

“There’s nothing in the lungs, they are clear, it’s probably just a virus and should be gone soon, so I’d just give him some analgesics as the mom said he had already been coughing for a few days, try to make it go faster. Maybe add a follow-up in case it doesn’t let up?” Autumn prayed to not have forgotten anything and to have made a decent enough presentation.

“That’s exactly what I’d suggest,” the redhead couldn’t help but smile, “you wanna tell the mom?”.

Dr. Hawthorn blinked at him, “me?”

“Yeah of course,” Doug handed her back the X-Rays, “you checked Liam, you made the diagnosis, seems fair don’t you think?”

“Okay, I’d love to”.

“Carter!” Dr. Ross called for him, “go with her,” Autumn did not know if he should thank him or kill him, she’ll decide after releasing Liam.

They walked in silence together to room 2, and when they got there Carter opened the door and moved to the side to let Autumn walk in, going in after her.

Liam was lying on the exam table now, he looked tired and his mom was running her hands through his hair. The woman looked up to the sound of the door closing behind John.

“Hello again,” Autumn greeted, “I’m here to update you on Liam’s X-Rays results, I’m sorry if I took too long, I can see that he is tired,” she walked over to him and placed her left palm on the kid’s forehead, checking that he hadn’t gotten a fever during the time she was gone, but his body temperature was fine. Carter waited on a corner.

“Oh please don’t apologize,” the woman stood up, “is he fine?”

“Yes he is fine,” the mom exhaled, “there was nothing of concern in his lungs, what he’s got is probably just a virus”.

“What can I give him?”

“I’m gonna give him some analgesics, I’ll send in a nurse in a moment to give him his first dose here and then you’ll have to get a prescription and continue to give it to him at home every eight hours,” Autumn took the liberty to write down everything she was saying for Liam and his mom to take home in case they forget, “I also recommend giving him lots of water and a few lemon teas a day or honey sweets to help him with the throat ache from all the coughing, you can also come back in a few days for a follow-up, or sooner if you don’t see any improvement in one or two days,” Dr. Hawthorne gave the woman a sheet of paper full of bullet points with information about what to do.

“Thank you so much doctor, we’ll be back if it is necessary,” Liam got up and stood beside his mother.

“Well let’s hope that’s not necessary,” she took a lollipop out of her pocket and handed it to the boy, “this is for you Liam, it has honey in it, it’ll be good for your throat”.

“Thank you Dr. Autumn,” the redhead smiled and pinched his cheek.

“I’ll go call a nurse to give him the medicine and then you are free to go,” she smiled at the small family for the last time and turned around. Carter opened the door for her again.

“Autumn wait,” John called after her before she could get away.

“What do you need?” she asked lowly, keeping her distance.

“I just wanted to say that you were amazing, really” there was an unmistakable look of pride on John’s face.

“Thanks,” Autumn simply replied and was starting to turn away when he spoke again.

“And I also wanted to say that I’m sorry,” Dr. Carter took a step toward her and she crossed her arms over her chest, “I was an asshole, I know you have nothing going on with Doug”.

“It was something a friend would not think about their friend,” she tried to keep her cool but the relief in her voice could be heard by anyone.

“You’ve been avoiding me” he stated, “it was childish”.

Dr. Hawthorn laughed and Carter smiled at the sound, “I know, I just wanted to hear you say that you were sorry”.

“So we are good now, aren’t we?”

“Yes we are,” Autumn got closer to him to fix his crooked tie, “but next time ask me instead of assuming shit you know it’s not real”.

John gulped at the graze of Autumn’s fingers on his neck, his heart beating faster, “I will, I promise”.

“I have to go tell Carol to give Liam something for his cough,” she started walking backwards, “I’ll see you at 3 for our coffee?”

“Wouldn’t miss it even if I tried,” Dr. Carter waited for Autumn to turn around and then hit the air with his fist.

“Easy loverboy,” Lydia pushed an empty gurney down the corridor, “Dr. Benton is looking for you in trauma 1” and with not one more word Carter practically skipped away, overjoyed by the fact that his and Autumn’s friendship was back to normal.

“What are you doing tonight? It’s Friday” Autumn asked Carter while taking the first sip of her coffee.

“My parents are taking me to an event they got going on” both of them were eating someone else’s donuts.

“You don’t sound too excited” the redhead playfully lifted up the sides of John’s lips with her fingers to make him smile, and it worked.

“That’s because I’m not.” Still, the smile his friend had brought to him did not fade away.

“And why’s that?” Dr. Hawthorn didn’t want to pressure him into dumping more personal information on her if he did not want to, but she was curious. After all, Carter didn’t mention his parents. Like never.

“It’s just boring I guess,” he started, “I just would rather be doing something else, like sleeping” Autumn laughed, “what are you doing?”.

“Probably just listen to some music, try and cook something nice for once,” both took a big gulp from their mugs, almost finishing their coffees. But neither of them wanted their little break to end too soon.

“Like what?” John sat back on his chair and started manspreading.

Autumn almost got caught up in her own words and cleared her throat before speaking again, “music or food wise?”.

“I guess both,” the tiny smirk that appeared on Dr. Carter’s face could’ve killed Dr. Hawthorn right then and there.

“Well, I’m kinda craving some chicken” John pulled a face at that, “what’s wrong with chicken?” she tried to sound hurt, but in reality found it very funny.

“It’s just a bit plain… and boring” he explained.

“Oh and hanging out with your parents on a Friday night it’s not?” she joked.

“What can I say? I’m a family man,” Carter opened up his arms above his head, “whatever, and what music?” he sat straight again, elbows on the table.

Autumn thought for a few seconds, “I kinda have been listening to Linger by The Cranberries nonstop” she confessed.

“What d’you mean? the album it’s on?” she must mean the album. 

“Nope, just the song”.

“Don’t you get tired of it?”

“I don’t get tired of things i like, Carter” Autumn kinda hoped that he would get the hint that she was, in fact, talking about him.

“Not even people?” and maybe he had.

“Not even people,” the redhead confirmed.

The next week, while Autumn and Carter were working a night shift, a snowstorm hit Chicago. So now they were physically stuck at the hospital since snow didn’t seem to stop falling and every means of public transport shut down as it was too dangerous for people to wander around, which meant they were having a quiet and slow night at County General; and even though the thought of being completely confined inside the hospital wasn’t too appealing, they were thankful that it was under those conditions. With not many patients to look after.

Actually, it was a very boring night. Used to the chaos that was the ER, both Autumn and Carter found it hard to stay still without doing anything, and the silence that invaded every corridor and room was upsetting and eerie. And that was the reason they were where they were at that moment.

Carter had managed to somehow steal the keys to the cafeteria kitchen from Linda who was fast asleep, sitting at a chair, without waking her up. Autumn had been on the lookout in case any of the older residents or doctors suddenly appeared and told them off for their little shenanigan.

Once they were inside the cold and big room they got into a fit of laughter, feeling like two bad kids who knew they could get in trouble if found. John was leaning forwards with his hands in his knees, he was having trouble trying to stop laughing but he couldn’t; to the point that his eyes were filling up with tears. Autumn wasn’t too different, she had had to grab the countertop or else she might fall. But unlike Dr. Carter, she had already stopped laughing but had been coughing for the past ten seconds from it.

When John realised the problem the redhead was under, he immediately got close to her and started giving some harsh pats on her back, “are you okay?” He face palmed himself mentally, of course she was not, her face and neck were getting red from all the effort.

“I’m okay” more coughing, “just- water please” Autumn begged.

“Yeah, sure, on it” Carter, as fast as he could, grabbed the first cup he found, filled it up with tap water and gave it to her.

“Thank you”

“Would you like to drink some tea while I cook something for us?” Dr. Carter offered. He was rummaging through the kitchen’s cupboards trying to find a mug, and tea for that matter. 

“That’d be nice, yes” Autumn propelled herself on top of an aisle and watched him put water in the pot and turn the stove on. The heat that radiated from it warmed them up a bit. “What’s on the menu chef.”

John took some stuff from the fridge and placed it beside her, “I was thinking maybe I could cut some vegetables and cook them with some chicken?”

“I thought chicken was boring” the redhead poked the man on the ribs, tickling him and getting a smile out of it.

“Not my chicken ma’am, no” he started by washing up some carrots.

“Okay then, amaze me” Dr. Hawthorn handed Carter a big knife.

“Oh, you will, believe me.”

Autumn took a liking to watching John cook for her. She didn’t know if he was doing it to impress her or because he actually was a good cook, and she’ll find out sooner or later which is the case. “Do you like snow?”

“I like playing with it I guess” he moved on to some onions.

“Like snowball fights you mean?” The redhead stole a piece of carrot from the pile he had just finished cutting.

“Hey, don’t do that,” Carter pointed at her with the knife but she just laughed, “yes of course I mean snowball fights, what else can you do in the snow?” 

“Oh come on! you don’t like doing snow angels?” she bit down on the orange stick.

“No, I don’t like getting all my clothes wet from laying on the freezing ground,” it was the turn of the bell peppers to get cut into surprisingly thin slices.

“That’s lame John, you sound like an old grandpa” Autumn took the piece of chicken’s breast out of the tray it was in and handed it to him.

“I’m not a grandpa,” he complained.

“No, you’re right” he was worse, “my grandpa at least loved doing snow angels with me, on the freezing ground may I add.”

Carter rolled his eyes, “of course he did you’re his granddaughter.”

A few minutes passed and Carter had finished chopping all the ingredients and put them on a cooking pot when Autumn spoke again “I think I’d beat you in a snowball fight” it was a lie, she was awful at them; but, she also loved to tease him.

“No way, no one beats my throw” he was now looking at her, having finished his job for the time being.

“I think I could,” the redhead pressed.

“Fine” John caved in, “once the snow lets down we’ll go outside and I’ll show you how good I am.”

“Okay, loser has to get the morning coffees for both of us the entire next week” Dr. Hawthorn extended her hand for him to shake.

“Deal,” he took it and gave it a firm shake “you’re going to regret it.”

“I don’t think I will,” Autumn tried as best as she could to not show how she felt the moment John’s way bigger hand got into contact with hers. The man’s felt warmer and stronger against her own. Internally she wished they never had to let go. Carter was the one to let go so he could grab a bottle of kitchen oil and uncap it.

“Carter I don’t think you shou-” she tried to warn him but it was too late, he had already let big splash of oil hit the burning hot pot, sending flames into the air, “OH MY GOD”

“Oh shit-” John jumped back.

“PUT THE LID ON PUT THE LID ON” Autumn pointed to the lid that was resting behind him. 

Once the flow of oxygen had been stopped from getting inside the pot, putting off the fire, Carter turned off the stove. “I’m sorry, I hope you like your vegetables and chicken a bit crisp.”

Dr. Hawthorn jumped off the countertop and patted him on the shoulder, “I always liked my food a bit smoked,” she tried to joke while getting some plates and utensils for them.

“Just don’t consider this as my cooking, okay?” Dr. Carter served some of his slightly burned dish on each plate, “I swear I'm a good cook.”

“I’ll have to taste it to believe it.”

“Someday I’ll cook for you again and you’ll have to swallow your words,” they took the first bite and it wasn’t that bad.

“Hey, I didn’t say anything!” Autumn found it cute how distressed he was getting over it when the food really wasn’t bad.

“No, but you thought about it”

“No, I did not” they kept on eating. “This was actually quite good.”

“You’re just saying that to be nice,” John took their empty plates to the sink.

Autumn followed him so she could wash them as a thank you, “again, no I’m not.” Carter looked at her with his hands on his hips and eyebrows raised. “I’m being serious, this was better than whatever I could’ve prepared for myself at home, thank you.”

“You’re welcome” he took to helping the redhead dry the dishes with a towel he found laying around and started putting them back where he had found them. “So, what now?”

Dr. Hawthorn rinsed her hands, “let’s check with Lydia, maybe there’s something we can help on.”

“That sounds boring” John complained and Autumn laughed a laugh that was more than music for his ears.

“That sounds like work,” they made sure to tidy everything up before getting out the kitchen and locking it up again, “if there’s nothing then I’ll take you up on that snowball fight.”

“What have you done?” Lydia asked them when Carter left the keys on top of the desk in front of her.

“How are you Lydia? Enjoyed your nap?” Autumn knew the woman liked her a tiny bit more than she liked John.

“Like a kid enjoys their sweets,” the nurse joked, “what are you two up to?”

“We just stole some chi-” John was interrupted by Dr Hawthorn’s index finger on his lips, attempting to shut him up.

“Is there something for us to do? Any patient?” Both residents sure hoped there wouldn’t be.

“No, at least no one has been admitted since I’ve been awake,” nurse Wright explained, “and last time I checked Dr. Greene was sleeping in the break room so I guess no.”

“Could you page us in case something comes up?” Carter begged while handing Dr. Hawthorn her scarf and beanie that he had picked up from said room on their way from the cafeteria’s kitchen.

“Where are you going?” The woman looked at them like they were crazy.

“Just outside the ambulance bay, we want to see the snow,” Autumn said as she followed Dr. Carter to the door and he held it open for her.

“But it’s freezing out there” Lydia yelled at them.

“That’s the entire point,” John yelled back before stepping out and closing the door.

The moment their feet landed on the outside pavement a chill ran through their spines. Lydia was absolutely right, it was freezing. Carter took a moment to look at Autumn through the corner of his eye. Her big green scarf covered her up almost to the lips, her matching beanie covered her ears, though he could see a bit of it getting red from the cold; her hair was tucked under it and under her big brown leg length coat that didn’t graze the floor just by a few inches. He watched her let out a puff of air that turned white when it came into contact with the air outside and wished he was close enough to her face to inhale it himself. She looked perfect, as if they hadn’t spent hours and hours running around an ER filled with patients before the storm hit. Self-consciousness invaded him, he probably looked like he had been run over by a truck.

Yet Autumn thought he had never looked better. Yes, he looked tired; but so did she. And she wondered if that was how he looked like every time he got home and got into bed, drained from all the time spent at County General. She cursed at herself for wearing a coat with no pockets and forgetting her woolen gloves at home, because Carter’s hair seemed like the best place for her cold hands to rest and get warm and she was fighting every cell in her body to not do so.

“Are you ready to get your ass beat?” He finally broke the silence around them.

“Don’t get so cocky Dr. Carter,” the redhead teased, walking toward the snow.

“Dr. Carter? You must mean business…” he followed her like a puppy follows its owner.

“That I do,” her sneakers started getting wet and she instantly knew that meant she’d get a cold by the next morning, but at that moment the possibility of having to be a mouth breather for a few days did not worry her. 

“So, loser is on coffee duty?” that was what they had agreed.

“I’d like to change it up a bit if you let me,” Autumn bent her knees to grab a handful of snow.

“I’m listening,” he’d agree to anything she asked of him.

“If you win, I’ll be on coffee duty,” Dr. Hawthorn said with a grin on her face that told Carter she was up to no good when he looked at her, also getting down to pick up some snow, “if I win, you have to do a snow angel with me” she finished while both of them tried to mold into balls the snow on their hands.

John pretended to be thinking about it, but in reality he had nothing to think about. “You’re on,” he agreed and threw the first ball in her direction, hitting her on the shoulder.

“Hey,” Autumn tried to sound offended, “I wasn’t ready!” she threw hers back and hit him on his chest.

Carter was surprised by the strength of her throw, “where did you learn to throw like that?”

“I might’ve forgotten to mention that I took baseball classes as a kid” Dr. Hawthorn stood as if she was a player and snapped her arm forward, sending a big ball of snow into the air at high speed, crashing directly on Carter’s stomach.

“That’s totally cheating,” he started to complain “and you know it,” he tried to do the same movements as her, but she dodged it.

“No it’s not, I just didn’t tell you the entire truth,” Autumn repeated her last throw, but this time her snowball landed on John's face, most precisely his nose.

Dr. Carter took his hands to his face and bent his knees forward a bit. A muffled grunt escaping his lips.

“OH MY GOD” Autumn rushed to his side the moment she noticed what had happened, “I’m so so sorry John, let me see” she grabbed his hands to remove them from his face so she could see the damage she had caused.

“It’s fine, I’m fine” John tried to assure her, but his face said otherwise.

“No you’re not, your nose is bleeding” Autumn bent his head backwards to stop the blood from flowing and staining his clothes, “let’s go inside and I’ll help you clean up”

“Okay, yeah that I can take,” John was kinda glad for the hit he took if it meant he’ll have the redhead tending to him, close to his face.

They ran inside the hospital and into an exam room as fast as they could in order to avoid being seen by Lydia or they’d probably get scolded. Carter sat down on the exam table while Dr. Hawthorn prepared some gauze to clean his nose and upper lip as some blood had already dried there. She tilted his head back by grabbing him by the chin. John was looking at her with sad puppy eyes.

“Don’t look at me like that” she started to gently rub on his nose with the gauze, “you’ll make me feel bad”

“You broke my nose” he played with her.

“No I did not! don’t be a baby” she punched him on the arm before putting some cotton in one of his nostrils as it was still bleeding a bit, “I guess we could say I won…”

“Yeah, through cheating,” Carter could not resist the urge to fix Autumn’s hair that was falling on his face as she hovered over him. He took a strand that was grazing his cheek and moved it to rest behind her shoulder.

The redhead smiled at the gesture and finished cleaning him up, “now you owe me some snow angels”

“We’ll see about that” John tapped on his nose to see if it was hurting, it was not.

“You know you will do it” Autumn put away everything she had used.

“How can you be so sure?” He knew he would do it, but still he wanted to know why she was so sure.

“‘Cause you don’t seem like the type of guy to break a promise” she started explaining, “and I think you like me too much not to” Dr. Hawthorn had no idea from where she had gotten the guts to say that. She didn’t mean it romantically. Well, yeah she did. But Carter didn’t know that. Couldn't know that, or it’ll be the end of her.

Carter did not know what to say, he couldn’t say yes but he also could not not say anything at all. So he just awkwardly laughed, and now the moment felt as uncomfortable as ever. He noticed the way Autumn’s face changed at his response and it made him feel the most terrible and stupid he had felt in his entire life.

“I’m going to the break room,” the redhead let him know, grabbing the room’s handle to get away from him. Great, he had definitely ruined it, they were having an awesome night together but he had to be the one to end it.

“I’ll go with you,” he quickly got up and followed her.

“Suit yourself,” was all Dr. Hawthorn replied to him.

As they walked down the corridor Carter tried to find something to say, but what? Yeah you’re right I like you, like a lot, and risk being rejected by her?  No chance. Autumn didn’t like him, at least not in the way he liked her, he was sure of that; so, he wasn’t going to put their friendship on the line because of his silly crush. It’ll go away eventually, he hoped.

Once they were in the break room, neither of them said a word. The redhead sat down on the couch and turned on the TV, faking being interested in some news about the stock market. John sat down next to her, he knew she hated anything that had to do with stock, every time a man who looked like he owned assets came into the ER for help she’d leave him to someone else. 

They were the only ones there at the moment, Dr. Greene must have woken up at some point and gone somewhere else. A sudden wave of exhaustion hit Carter, it made sense as it should have been almost four in the morning, which meant he had been awake for almost an entire day with no naps in between. Autumn must have been as tired as him because he could feel how her breathing slowed down second by second, and after a few minutes he was also dozing off too when an external weight landed on his left shoulder.

It was her head.

Autumn was resting her head on his shoulder.

Carter smiled to himself and moved his head a bit to be able to watch her. She looked at peace, and there was nothing he loved more than to see that: her relaxed, next to him. It was the fact that he felt Autumn was comfortable enough with him to the point of falling asleep, none other than on his shoulder, when they were the only two living souls in the room that made his heart jump. The smell of coconut from her shampoo and the vanilla in her perfume reached his nose, he could swear on god that never in his life had he smelled something as delicious.

And just like that, he fell asleep too. With his head on top of hers.

And in that moment he did not care at all that someone would probably walk in and see them like that, that depending on who would it be the entire hospital would hear about it, that they’d be the targets of jokes for an entire week; ‘cause it meant that, at least on someone else’s mind, Autumn and him fit together.

Christmas time arrived at County General Hospital as quick as days were cold, and everyone was too excited for secret santa to come. It was the 23rd of December and they were supposed to give out the gifts that day since not all were coming back until after Christmas.

The picking process had been easy, Autumn had been in charge of writing down in tiny pieces of paper the names of all the workers that were participating, and then each one pulled out from a mug, the name you picked was the person you were buying for.

Dr. Hawthorn’s paper had said Susan, and she got her a long dark blue trench coat she had heard her say she wanted for a long time.

But Carter was overjoyed and excited from the moment he opened his and read, on her neat cursive “Autumn”. Since that moment ten days ago, he had paid even more attention than he usually did to everything she said just in case it gave him an idea about what to give her. And once he finally made up his mind and prepared his gift for her, he had been counting down the days until he was able to give it to her.

He arrived at the ER with the package he himself had wrapped in red paper under his arm and went straight to the break room to save it in his locker so Autumn would not see it. He was planning on giving it to her when they’d be doing their walk to the bus stop, where Carter always waited with her until her’s came.

“That’s a big box” Susan commented the moment she saw him enter the room, “who’s your lucky secret santa?”

“I’m not telling you” he opened his locker and had to play tetris with the stuff he had in it so Autumn’s gift would fix.

“Come on! why not?” Dr. Lewis almost screamed and got closer to him.

“‘Cause you’ll tell her” it took him a few tries but he was able to close the metal door.

“You know I would never tell Autumn you’re her lucky santa,” after hearing the blonde say that, John turned around abruptly, almost crashing into her and making a mess of the coffee mug she was holding.

“How did yo-” he really wanted it to be a surprise.

“You wouldn’t put effort into personally wrapping whatever’s inside there if it wasn’t her,” she kinda had a point, but he was not going to give himself away so easily. Susan and Carol had been trying to get him to confess his feelings for Dr. Hawthorn for a few weeks now and, surprisingly, he hadn’t fallen into it, yet.

“That’s not true,” it actually was, “I would’ve done it for anyone”

“So what you’re saying is that it actually is her,” Susan crossed her arms on top of her chest.

“I said I’m not telling you” John was almost to the door when he heard Dr. Lewis speak again.

“Whatever you say, loverboy” there was the nickname, again. He raised his middle finger at her without turning around.

Autumn had just gotten there where he reached the front desk, looking for her, and his coffee. The redhead handed it to him before she set hers down while taking off her big green scarf with one only with one hand.

“You know you still owe me that snowangel” Dr. Hawthorn pointed her index finger at him, “It’s been weeks”

“And here I thought you had forgotten about it,” he took a sip from the styrofoam cup, “thanks for the coffee by the way” he was trying to divert the topic of conversation to something else.

“I already told you to stop thanking me every day for it” she really had, but every time he tries to pay her back she says no, “and no, I didn’t forget about it, I’ll never forget about it”

Carter threw his head back and grunted, “fine, next time it snows I’ll do a snow angel with you” he finally gave in.

“You know they say it’ll snow on new year’s eve,” Autumn told him and signaled for him to follow her.

“Then it’s a good thing we’ll be stuck here” they were working a night shift on new year’s eve, which meant they’d be starting it together.

Carter would be lying if he said he hadn’t dreamt about a midnight kiss. ‘Cause he had. Twice in a row. Both times he had woken up in a sweat, having to take a cold shower despite the coldness of winter outside.

He noticed that the redhead didn’t bring in anything that resembled a present with her, “did you forget your secret santa gift at home?”

“huh?” Autumn was confused for a moment, “oh right! No, I kinda cheated and gave it early.”

John was bumped over the fact that this confirmed his was not the name written on her paper, “and who was it?”

“Dr. Lewis” that’s why she had asked him about it in the break room, “bought her a blue trench coat.”

Everyone knew Susan loved her coats, “she probably loved it.”

“She did, I saw her wearing it yesterday,” they arrived at the break room, again, where Autumn finished taking off her extra layers of clothing and putting them away inside her locker, “who’s yours?”

Carter smiled at her back, grateful that she was not able to see his little slip, “you can’t know that.”

“But it’s almost over,” he was not going to fall into this one, “I just want to know if you’re good at giving presents, I promise I won’t tell” the redhead turned around and rested her hands at her hips.

“Well, you said it yourself it’s almost over,” John said while laughing and she rolled her eyes, “you’ll know eventually” she was going to love it, he was sure.

“But you already know min-” Autumn’s protest was interrupted by Dr. Benton.

“Dr. Hawthorn, there’s a kid with early signs of pneumonia in room 4 and Dr. Ross needs your help,” he instructed her, “Carter paramedics are bringing in a GSW to the chest in two minutes, go to trauma 1 right now.”

“Yes sir” both residents responded at the same time.

The rest of the shift went on as usual, always a little hectic, especially with the holidays around the corner. Some firework’s injuries and kids sick with the flu.

Carter and Autumn were ready to get the hell out of there. They grabbed their stuff from the break room as fast as they could, just in case a new patient came in and delayed their exit, and practically ran out of County General.

They were already walking on the sidewalk when John noticed she was shivering and not wearing her coat, “where’s your coat?”

“I forgot to grab in the hurry of getting out” she engulfed herself in her own arms, thankful to at least have a big sweater and her green scarf on.

“Here,” Carter started to take off his own coat, “have mine.”

“Oh no no” the redhead tried to stop him by tapping his forearms, “you’ll get sick John, we’re almost to my bus stop.”

“Just let me-” he stopped in his tracks and set the wrapped box he was carrying on the floor, “and as soon as you get on your bus I’ll hail a cab while you have the entire ride home and another few blocks to walk,” he extended the black jacket to her, “just put it on please.”

“Fine” she accepted and started to put it on while Carter picked up the gift and resumed walking, “just because I’ve already been exposed to too much flu today…” that made him chuckle, “did you not get to see your secret santa?” Autumn looked at his arms.

“I actually did, she’s wearing my jacket right now,” he tried to be smooth.

“No way! Seriously?” Dr. Hawthorn stopped walking.

“Yes, this” he handed her the box, “is for you” John watched her expectantly as she sat down on a bench they had stopped in front of and started tearing off the paper.

Once all the red was out of the picture, Autumn’s mouth dropped in awe and his eyes opened like saucers. She immediately set it down beside her and jumped to hug Carter.

“A moka pot?!” she screamed in his ear as her arms interlocked in the back of his neck and she felt him do the same around her waist.

“Do you like it?” his voice was filled with excitement over her excitement, he knew he had nailed it.

“I fucking love it, seriously” they broke apart, “thank you so much it’s the best thing you could’ve given to me.”

“I’m glad you like it, take it as a ‘thank you’ for all the coffees you bring me and don’t let me pay for” the smiles on their faces could not get bigger even if they tried.

They continued their little journey to Autumn’s stop while she read aloud, from the back of the box, all the special features her new coffee maker had. And when it was time for her to get on it, both wished she would have invited him over to try it for the first time; but Autumn was too shy to suggest it and Carter was too scared to ask.

That night, John dreamt of a midnight kiss from his friend, again. Only this time it also included breakfast in bed and two mugs of freshly brewed espresso.

When New Year’s Eve came around and it found Dr. Hawthorn and Dr. Carter like they said it would, snowed in and stuck in another night shift, they didn’t mind it at all. If you had asked them if they preferred to spend that night at home or right where they were at that point, they wouldn’t second guess going for the latter option.

They weren’t able to spend much time together as John had been invited by Dr. Benton to help out in an open heart surgery, an opportunity he couldn’t miss and that had lasted nearly seven hours. Which had left Autumn to her own devices most of the day, even though Dr. Ross had kept her occupied with lots of sutures and taught her to do a spinal tap.

But when the clock marked 11:55 p. m. , all the ER staff got together at the entry desk. Dr. Hawthorn helped Lydia and Dr. Greene’s wife, Jen, pass around some non-alcoholic fruit punch to toast with at midnight, giving everyone a tiny cup.

By the time they finished serving it was a few seconds 'till 12 p. m. and Autumn found her place next to Carter.

“Hey, long time no see” he greeted.

“I’m very happy that you got to help Dr. Benton on that surgery but it was such a bore without you here,” the redhead confessed, “I missed you.”

John felt his heart jump in his chest, “I mi-”

“TEN, NINE-” he wanted to tell her that he had missed her too, a lot; but the countdown set him back.

“EIGHT, SEVEN-” Autumn joined in, still looking at him.

“SIX, FIVE, FOUR, THREE-” Carter copied her, yelling the numbers in each other’s faces.

“TWO, ONE-” God she wished he would kiss her.

“HAPPY NEW YEAR!” And he would have done so if they had been alone.

For now the clink of their glasses and a hug, so tight they felt their insides stood on new places, had to suffice.

TAGLIST: @thinemineours @Katydunn047-blog @delicatetrashtree

[the-cerene-rewritten-railway-au]

The Thing About Today...

14 February 1970

Word Count: +3,890

Valentine’s Day is supposed to be one of the most joyous holidays of the year, even if the engines don’t fully understand it! James certainly does! Everything’s red, like him, and it’s nice to be appreciated for once. But when he comes across Edward, he’s shocked to learn that he isn’t enjoying it. Compared to last year, it’s a complete turnaround for the blue engine, so what changed?

fanfiction.net | my site

a/n: happy 5/2 (or 2/5) !!!

~

"Bonjour, pa'! Joyeux Saint Valentin!" piped Jacqueline.

"Bonjour, Jackie!" chuckled James as he backed into his goods train. "Joyeux Saint Valentin! Feelin' bubbly?"

Both engines were taking loads of aluminum from the works up north the Shen Valley Branch Line. James would take his load to Tidmouth while Jacqueline would take hers to Vicarstown. It was originally meant to be the other way around but Jacqueline had been insistent in swapping loads last night.

"I have a friend there!" "I haven't seen her in a while, pa'!" James quickly gave in, knowing how it felt to not see a close friend in a while. Apart from the weekly gatherings at Tidmouth, he hadn't seen Edward, one of his closest friends, in a few weeks. They didn't meet up as often as they used to years ago. Sometimes, they'd go one or two days without seeing each other and other times, they'd go weeks instead, simply because their schedules didn't line up with one another.

Besides, it was Valentine's Day. He could at least greet his friends on such a wonderful day on any chance he could get.

"Oui, pa'!" Jacqueline's cheeks burned, but the red engine thought nothing of it, laughing as he was coupled up to his goods train. Her guard's whistle shrilled. "I'm off, pa'! Au revoir!" With her boiler full of energy and steam, she headed off for Vicarstown.

"Au revoir!" He lurched forward, slightly straining as he was pulled back by his flatbeds. Right then, it didn't bother him-.

"Watch out, you silly engine!" His driver, Demian, popped his head out, shaking his fist.

Now it did, to which James snapped right back, "Shove off, will ya!"

Ever since Demian and Richard, his new driver and fireman respectively, took over from his previous crew, there was nothing but constant bickering between them. James didn't see them fit enough to understand him. They weren't the same as Mr. Quill and Mr. Turner.

They weren't them.

But, they were better than sitting in the shed, waiting to come out because no one else could take him out. Mr. Quill and Mr. Turner were well past their youth, having a hard time keeping up with the workloads. It was hard for James to admit it but they needed to retire. They deserved it after having spent so many years by James' side, tolerating him at best.

He knew that, and it was the very least he could do to thank for everything.

...

Right as James neared Knapford Station, he spotted Thomas waiting with Annie and Clarabel. From a distance, he noticed the lack impatience or cheeriness within his expression.

Curious, the red engine hollered as he slowed down, “Wonderful day, innit, Thomas?"

Nothing.

He slowed down some more, leaning to his right. “Thomas~! I know you can hear me~!”

Again. Nothing.

“Thomas-?”

“What?” grunted the engine in question.

“He speaks!” snickered James, coming to a stop. “What's up with you today? It's only morning of a wonderful day!”

“Don’t say it-”

“Joyeux Valentine's Day!”

“To Lady, you're insufferable-”

That's it. Today was no day to be in a sour mood. It had to be the worst day to be so. Determined to not let his day go wrong, at least not so soon, James figured that getting to the bottom of... whatever was going on might help. “Ok. Seriously, what's got you all puffed up?” The splendid red engine looked over the stumpy blue engine, trying to spot any injuries that could imply something.

He found nothing. But still. “Did you-?”

“I'm not like you!” jabbed Thomas. “Getting into trouble every single day!”

“Hey!” he scoffed, thrown off by the sudden anger. “I was just asking!”

“I'm still waiting!" the blue iron horse snapped once more.

Confused, James stayed quiet.

“Go on! Make fun of me.”

What is up with him? “...what?”

Thomas was ready to snap again but suddenly stopped in his tracks, frowning. “Wait... were you on the island last year? On Valentine’s Day?”

James huffed. “'Course I was! I got stuck up in Peel Godred, remember?”

“...so you didn't hear about any rumor that happened that day?”

“I heard that something happened—" James leaned further to the right. "Not sure what it was."

"Forget what I said then!"

"Oh no, you don't!" Thomas wouldn't be allowed to leave anyways, James knew that. His guard hadn't blown the whistle, and Thomas didn't want a repeat of what happened years ago. "What spills has spilled. Fess up!"

Thomas' cheeks burned, glaring at James. "Mind your own beeswax!"

The last bit was sneered, taunting James for something that happened years ago. It set off the red iron horse, sending him into a flustered rage, gritting his teeth. "You-!"

Thomas' guard blew his whistle. The moment it did, Thomas fled, startling his crew and successfully avoiding confrontation.

"Thomas!" James could holler all he wanted but he knew Thomas wouldn't come back. "Damn it!"

"James, language!" Demian popped his head out, shaking his fist.

James fumed but held on. Just long enough for when his signal turned green, he jerked forward, just to show, once again, how little respect he had for the young men. Ignoring their chides once more, the red iron horse headed toward Tidmouth to finish up his job.

...

Tidmouth Yard was busy as usual, with shunters scuttling about the tracks, switching points left, right, and center. As James arrived, he surveyed the area for Stanley or any of the other shunters when he spotted Edward, who appeared to have just arrived. Odd, as James didn't recall seeing or hearing Edward on his way here.

Just as James approached his friend, he had an idea.

Maybe he knows what happened. Often seen as wise and kind, others would forget that Edward, somehow, knew every little thing that happened on the island and was responsible for any rumors spread. Partially.

As he drew near Edward, the latter piped, "Good mornin', Stanley!"

Behind the row of cars to Edward's left, Stanley replied, "Good morning, Edward!"

And like that, the older engine sat there idly, waiting to be uncoupled from his train.

But James took note of how Edward's smile slowly diminished, his face losing the soft warmth, matching the late winter cold. It wasn't a frown but it wasn't anything pleasant to signify that the smaller engine was at peace. Something must be bothering him.

"Good morning, Edward~!" James piped, startling Edward. "How's it going?"

While James was all cheery, bright as the morning sun, Edward's day began with a foggy mind, like yesterday's cloudy skies. It was full of thoughts about today, Valentine's Day. Ones that led to thinking about the red engine.

In the past, like other engines, Valentine’s Day was something that Edward didn't care much for. It wasn't something he hated but it wasn't something he was interested in either. It was one of those nice holidays the passengers would celebrate, hoping on trains to visit their loved ones. Seeing them so cheery made Edward bubbly, leaving him in a pleasant mood for the day.

But, oh dear... That morning, he was bubbly for a different reason, and that reason was here. A part of him hoped to not come across the splendidly red engine today. The fear of possibly making his friend uncomfortable with his odd behavior had nagged him since December, and it chose to be his biggest concern that day.

Ever since that December, Edward's mind would return to the subject. He thought about it over and over again, thinking he had come to terms about his feelings the first night at the works. "I have plenty of time." Too much time, if anything. He wanted to understand how and why he felt this strongly for James. He didn't intend to think about the possible outcomes if he told James. Or how other engines would take it. Or how Sir Topham Hatt II would take it.

As his thoughts spiraled, Edward fell into panic and, as normal as a reaction he could have, he boxed them up and shunted them to the back of his mind.

It didn't resolve anything as, unfortunately, the back of his mind spoke the loudest.

Since then, whenever he came across James, his boiler bubbled and those thoughts screamed at him. Is this really what love is all about? People enjoy this feeling, of being on edge about someone they care about? It wasn't fear. Edward knew what it truly felt like, and this... surge of complex emotions wasn't it.

James was a dear friend that he deeply cared about. That he knew for certain. A dear friend whom he had a complicated history with. A roller coaster, if you would. When they met, he hoped to befriend him but with the way Sir Topham Hatt spoke about James...

Edward couldn't help but be envious and scared, thinking that James would replace him. In response, the little blue engine worked, grinding his wheels, close to the point of flattening them until the controller confronted him. Once those thoughts were dispelled, he focused on befriending the newcomer once more.

And yet, everything went south because, of course, what he thought would be helpful, what he believed to be for the best, wasn't.

From mistrust on Edward's end to selfishness on James', it was a relationship that others deemed to be a waste of time. It's not worth saving, he was told. You're both too different! They've heard their fair share of advice.

But with time, the pieces found themselves and they were able to rebuild from there. It was a beautiful way to think of their bond when another engine would remind him of how James could be.

Could. A keyword perfectly describing the splendid red engine in his books.

James could be vain. He could be selfish. He could be rude.

But James could also be kind. He could be selfless at times. He could admit that he was wrong and work to make up for his mistakes. He could very well be confident and, at times, be correct to be so. Edward's seen it. Others have definitely seen it, yet some see past it and focus on what screams the loudest. They didn't care about James' good traits.

He did. He admired the way James was, confident in his strides and willing to do what it takes to make up for any wrongdoing of his. He accepted James the way he was, and he didn't want him any other way.

Noticing how seconds of silence were about to turn into minutes, Edward shook away his thoughts, shunting them away once again. The cerulean engine looked over to his side and piped, "Mornin', James!"

"Another clay delivery?" James eyed the clay trucks trailing behind the other as he approached him, stopping so his buffer beam lined up with Edward's. It meant that their smokeboxes didn't line up as James' was further pushed back than Edward's. He wouldn't see his face, and it worked well in Edward's favor as he was sure that his face was still burning. "Is there a project going on?"

"Ah think sae?" He wasn't exactly sure but he had noticed the sudden rise of materials being delivered to Tidmouth. "Most o' the supplies ah bring thae days ur bein' taken up th' Little Western. I huvnae been able tae ask Duck or Oliver aboot it, though."

"You usually know everything," noted James. From an outsider perspective, it was an insult, but he knew Edward would catch on to what he was laying down.

He did, proven by the sudden quirk of his eyebrows. "Curious aboot somethin'?"

James stayed quiet, meticulously choosing his words. Yes, Edward loved to "chit-chat" but he had some restraints. Some. "Thomas was acting weird this morning. I don't think he likes Valentine's Day. Do you know why?"

Again, quickly falling into their personal routine, his skeptical expression sharpened. "'N' whit wid ye dae, if ah told ye?"

"Nothing, nothing!" reassured the red engine. It was a strict expression Edward bore. This was his son they were speaking about, afterall. How the small tender engine could intimidate in an instant, James couldn't figure out. And he probably never will. "Just curious."

"Mmm, alricht then... Ye say he diz'nae like Valentine's Day?"

"Yes! From the sounds of it."

There was hesitation then. "Ah-" Guilt bubbled within him. "It has somethin' tae dae wit' what happened last year. Ah'm... surprised ye ne'er found oot, seein' how oot o' hand it got-"

"Ok!" His interest very much piqued. I knew something happened! That little rascal! "I'm not leaving until you tell me everything."

Ah- "...everythin'?"

"Everything!" he smirked.

It was enough to lighten up his mood, but he wouldn't look directly at James. "Well, th' twins started teasin' him 'n' Rosie that mornin' aboot thaim possibly bein' together. Frae thare, it got oot o' hand. Thomas wasn't tae happy aboot it. Wit' how he reacted, he hurt Rosie in th' process. They reconciled by th' end of th' day but other engines continued tae tease aboot it." It was when he looked back at James, who simply stared at him with interest and confusion. "Again, ah'm surprised ye didnae hear aboot it."

"That makes two of us," he huffed. "But I don't get it-"

"Whit dinnae ye get?" He wished it wasn't what he thought it was.

"What's so bad about Thomas and Rosie being together? They're friends, aren't they?"

Oh dear... "No, James. Ah-"

But, alas, his persistence naturally flowed, letting his logic spill. "We're friends," he emphasized, unaware of the way Edward's freckled cheeks furiously burned. "We're together-!"

"James!" he squawked before quickly shutting his mouth, face burning. Everyone else in the yard stopped and stared at the two, including their crews. They'd gotten into their own conversation but his outburst caught their attention and concern.

"Is everything alright?" Edward's driver peered out of the cab windows.

Equally concerned and confused, James inched closer, his smokebox lining up with the other's. He saw how pitch black his freckled cheeks became, and how those bronze eyes refused to look right him. "W-We're fine!" he hollered, refusing to look away. "We're fine."

He noticed how a smile, a grateful one, peaked out, only to quickly disappear. I'm in the clear. Maybe.

"...Is it wrong?"

The small cerulean engine shook as gently as he could on his chassis and cleared his pipes. "That's not-" This conversation needed to end. Now. "Ah meant in a romantic wey. Th' wey th' controller 'n' his wife ur!"

"Oh!" His eyes widened, finally understanding the situation. "That makes a lot more sense," he hummed. "...Are they?"

Edward's eyebrows quirked.

"I'll take that as a no." James heard Edward sigh, one that wasn't meant to be heard. "...Did that bother you?"

The smaller tender engine didn't answer, his eyebrows pinched and appearing bothered.

"...so would it be bad for us to be together that way?"

There wasn't any indication of hope in his tone. Only curiosity.

I'm a fool.

Closing his eyes and sighing once more, Edward replied, "Na, it's nae that." Lies. "I just... Ah still feel awful for whit ah did." Not a complete lie...

"What did you do?" Didn't sound like he believed him, his words carried by a playful tone.

"Ah didnae ken whit wis goin' oan either, 'n' it started oan ma line." Lip line crumpling into a frown, the memory came back to him. "Ah didnae mean tae add fuel tae the fire but ma comment upset Rosie. We came across each other at Wellsworth, 'n' she told me that Thomas wis actin' rather rude that day. She thought 'twas because he didnae like her. Ye remember how those twa were whin thay met, dinnae ye?"

James hummed, and Edward continued. "Ah thought somethin' similar happened but ah knew Thomas wasn't lik' that anymair. Ah told her that 'twas strange 'n' that ah thought Thomas really liked her." His nose scrunched up as he frowned. "Ah didnae mean it romantically."

"Is that what you were so upset about then?"

Wait- "Ye clocked?"

James scoffed, insulted. "Course I did." You're my close friend. "If you're upset, I can tell, even without your nose scrunching."

His interest was piqued. "...How exactly kin ye tell?" He looked over, gaze locking with James and paying close attention to how the larger engine responded.

The prideful engine carefully picked his words. "Well, you have this..." he muttered some gibberish, "-presence to yourself. That's as best as I can explain it."

"Ah think ah git it." He wanted to know a little more. He didn't expect an observation from James. It just doesn't happen often. "What kind o' presence?"

The large red engine's pride started to lift up. The small blue engine noticed how James looked around, his eyes calming down from being on high alert. Everyone else must've gotten busy once again. Edward didn't know as he couldn't pull his gaze away from the other engine, carefully observing him. "It's..." his face, in turn, started burning, "-welcoming. It's nice to be around... That day, it didn't feel the same. You were putting up that front but I- it was easy to tell that you were upset about something."

The smaller engine didn't miss the switch up, but he decided to not address it. "Ah didnae mean tae worry a'body." He saw James' smile. A rare one. One that was soft, appreciative, and genuine.

Once Edward realized where his mind was going, he cleared his throat, returning to the original conversation. "Ah said sorry tae Rosie afterwards. She forgave me but ever since then, ah still feel guilty for whit happened. Tis silly, ah ken that, but wi' how Thomas has been actin'-"

"Well, that's on him!" he exclaimed, earning them looks once again. This time, Edward ignored them. "He's not that young engine who constantly followed you around the yard once upon a time!"

"That ah ken-"

"So what gives? You didn't start the rumor, did you?"

"Na, but it did oan ma branch line."

"But did you start it?" he insisted.

Edward hesitated but relented. "No." His partial lie was starting to fall apart. This conversation should've ended a while ago.

"See? Problem solved. So what gives?"

"...I didnae really look forward tae today."

"What? Why not? You didn't mind it before? Was it really because of that?"

"Aye," he quickly replied. "It hud me thinkin' 'n'- well- ah rather nae think too much aboot it." Finally, a decent truth. Not the complete truth but it was still true nonetheless.

"So you don't like the roses all over the place neither?"

"Ah mean... th' roses ur beautiful oan thair own..." he hummed, hesitating to continue. "I like th' white ones."

James smirked. Gotcha! "But Valentine's Day is about the beautiful things! You've said so yourself that it's to appreciate them!"

The urge to just smile started to bubble up, but he opted to roll his eyes playfully. "Ah meant relationships-"

"And your smile's one of them!"

A squeak was hummed and his steam pressure rose as he tried to suppress the silly smile showing up. The smile James just complimented.

He failed, letting himself grin, his crooked lip line curling up and his overbite showing. His soft chuckles quickly became squawks, and he was blushing quite furiously. James turned him into a giddy, flustered mess, and for the moment, he did not mind. The same went for how proud James was becoming capable of making him smile. It was happening more often as they grew closer...

"...so is it bad for us to be together that way?" To Edward, no. He would be perfectly happy if they were.

But what about you? He continued to smile and chuckle as he gazed at James, thinking, Do you feel the same, dear? He just wanted to ask how he felt about such an idea.

But I can't. James had just grasped at the idea of how love worked, beyond platonic relationships. It wasn't fair. It would be cruel and selfish to just ask and tell him, expecting an answer from someone who, just moments ago, didn't think about the mere idea of romance between engines happening.

"We're friends." "We're together-!" "Well, is it wrong?" To be friends, no. Yet in the early age of steam engines, it was considered taboo by railway boards and engines themselves, being seen as a distraction from work. Would engines being together be a problem?

It would. Here he was experiencing the pinning, and he could tell it would become a problem.

So maybe it would be. Maybe it is best to keep it down, his gaze behind fluttering eyes intensified as he laughed, It's best for you, dear.

He wasn't about to drag James right along, possibly into something that could ruin their friendship or him.

Keep it down.

"Ye think tis beautiful?" asked Edward, once his laughter died down. He felt his crew start to work with his gauges, readying him for the return trip to his branch line. "Is it really?" he asked again, timidness and disbelief peaking through.

"You don't believe me?" James mocked, yet blushing furiously. "I don't just go around complimenting everything, you know?"

"Och, ah know," he teased. A small pleased smirk formed, passing off as his typical soft smile. "I ken."

Ready to tease back, James opened his mouth, only to be interrupted by his crew. "Let's get going!" yelled Demian.

The red iron horse loudly groaned and rolled his eyes. Normally, Edward would say something but he let him have it this time. He'd seen the way James' new crew were and understood why James reacted so poorly. He just hoped they could get along sooner rather than later.

"Ah shuid git goin', too," chuckled Edward. "Heaven's kens whit Bill 'n' Ben ur up tae, 'n' ah cannae be leavin' Ryan oan his own wi' thaim." Not after last time, the poor dear.

The bit of humor was enough to cheer James up. "I'll see you around then! Bye, Edward!"

"Bye, James!" With two whistles and a wheesh from releasing his brakes, Edward was off. A part of him was sad to leave, but another was glad. The giddiness bubbling within his boiler persisted throughout their chat, gradually raising his steam pressure. A sensation once unpleasant was now welcome. Very welcome, indeed.

He was curious as to why his crew had made no mention of it. They were suspiciously quiet.

As he got back on the Main Line, he began to wonder, Is this what a fluttering heart feels like? Is this what they call ‘butterflies’? He heard that expression many times these days. The feeling was soothing yet uneasy, the latter of which becoming infrequent.

“Lovesick, ah truly am,” he whispered as he puffed away, shocked at how loud James and his crew's bickering was but unaware of how his own crew whispered to one another.

Back in the yard, James and Demian bickered about, the latter ready to use stronger language. Richard stayed in the engine's cab, watching with disinterest. His mind was busy with another thought. Unlike the clueless red engine, he wasn't convinced of Edward's reasoning. I'll make a note to tell James, he decided as he poked out of the cab, ready to separate the two. But first, work.

~

important note: so in terms of when "Rosie is Red," "The Fastest Red Engine on Sodor," and this fic happen, "Rosie is Red" happens first, one year before thie fic and Rosie is yet to be repainted red. "The Fastest Red Engine on Sodor" happens after this fic, which is when Rosie is repainted, including "An Engine of Many Colors."

Happy 5/2, everyone! :3

story threw me in whirlwind when i thought it was done 😞 Kept going back and forth on some plot points. Its not even close to the original idea anymore but im happy with how it turned out! :DD

expect an upload on my site at some point. i'll reblog the post once i do 👍

so instead of my normal rambling, have this! <3 (a repost from last year hehe)

oh and the cover art too! :3 glad i got this done in time, enough for me to edit the story. as of posting and reblogging, im going back to sleep or smth. idk.

i hope you enjoyed this short story! :D comments, reblogs, and likes are appreciated! <3

[askgrantcurly]

Letter One - Expected Delivery 5/2/2025

Jimmy,

I know you’ve been expecting me to write and visit you while you’re in rehab, and when I dropped you off that is exactly what I intended on doing. I got home that day after sobbing in the lobby and it made me realize a few things. These are also some of the reasons why I didn’t… or couldn’t come.

I don’t think I was ready to see you change when we first got into a relationship.

I knew I wanted you more than anything, I still do, but I didn’t have faith that you could change, and that was wrong of me. I expected this to go exactly the way it always had. I am so sorry, Jim. You were putting in all this work and I treated you like a manipulator. I feel so stupid for letting myself get disillusioned by my own insecurity. You put forth effort and I shunned you for it.

Instead of talking to you I decided to talk for you and then get angry at you for things you never said- things you likely didn’t even mean. We are equally flawed; the only difference is that you’re honest about it, and I’m a coward.

I knew that something was wrong when your demeanor changed before the abortion appointment, and I was too selfish to address it.

I did want to have that baby with you. It kills me to think that you were changing your mind and I ignored every sign. You were trying to communicate the best way you knew how and my selfishness and acceptance made you feel like you couldn’t tell me directly. Sure, there is miscommunication on both sides, but I’m not talking about that. I’m talking about ME and MY mistakes. I put you in a position where you felt like being honest with me wasn’t practical. I’m so sorry, Jim. More than anything, I’m sorry about that.

I still think we made the right decision in the current situation we’re in, but in the future, when you want to- IF you want to, we can try again.

I love you. Completely, entirely, wholeheartedly, I love you.

There is no one else in this world that I would rather be with than you. I know you said in your letter that no one else compares to me, but the same thing can be said about you. No matter who I’m with, whether I’m dating them or just filling in the holes with some… quick emotionless fuck while I wait for you, no one will ever or has ever compared to you. You are the one for me and I refuse to give that up.

I think I put a lot of my self worth on sex, which isn’t your fault but has led me to look for that validation in other people

I slept with someone else… multiple people, actually, and I’m incredibly embarrassed about my actions. I hurt people I love because I needed validation more than I cared about them in the moment. God, I buried myself in other people’s affection because I didn’t have the attention I wanted from you- and I’m the one who wasn’t reaching out. None of it makes sense, even to me.

The first person, a close friend of ours, was for comfort and familiarity and I’m sick to my stomach over it. I thought I was clear about my intentions but I don’t think I cared in the moment if I wasn’t. I hurt her and that is something I have to live with now, even though we’re working through it. Things have changed now.

The rest were… god, for lack of better word, opportunistic. It became an impulse fueled by a desire to be cared for- cared about- and I never stopped to accept that the only person who feels right to me is you.

I don’t have feelings for any of the people I slept with. The sex, at least to me, was just sex and nothing else. In your last letter you brought up an unofficial obligation to each other and I have to agree. I felt like I was cheating on you the entire time and that made things messy.

You have every right to be mad at me. I NEED you to be angry with me because it means you still care about me. It’s weird, and a bit deranged, but it’s the truth.

I knew about Colt; I knew something would happen, and I’m not angry about it.

I’m not mad at you for sleeping with Colt under current circumstance. I understand why you did it, but it breaks my heart that it was such a bad experience for you… you don’t deserve to feel like that. I won’t let anyone touch you like that again. I don’t want anyone else to touch you, and I don’t want to touch anyone else. I just want it to be US.

One last thing…

[[ ILLEGIBLE ]]

Please don’t answer me until I pick you up. Really consider it.

Much love, Grant.

[someverygaymoth]

(i tried to send this before but the ask button glitched. i spammed the ask button w/ no effect so if that somehow spammed the ask like a bajillion times in your inbox i am so sorry)

hear me out.

killer: very much ADHD, he is literally me, i love it.

but what if ADHD nightmare.

completely different sides of the spectrum.

Killer is the “i have a report due that i don’t wanna work on, so now i physically can’t get myself to do it. i’m going to play geometry dash and try to remember how the wives of Henry VIII died while a overwhelming sense of guilt and self-hatred consumes me”

and nightmare is “I have an important thing I need to do, and I want to do it later, but if I leave it ‘til later, I won’t do it at all. I’ll write it down so I remember because I KNOW MYSELF and I need to be the RESPONSIBLE ONE, and where the hell did I put my quill. It was right there.”

please see the vision

I see the vision!!! I see it!!! (Also dw it didn't send 1000 times, lol)

Killer has so much task paralysis and will just wallow in sorrow as he waits for a mission instead of doing the things he planned to do before he left.

Nightmare is actually coping and writes a list out so he can go and do the things and cross them off as he foes. Only, he does not at all end up following the list and does a completely different set of impending tasks... somehow. He chases the rabbit a lot. He sees this as productive and effective because eventually everything gets done. What a king.

Killer experiences a lot of the depression and anxiety aspects of ADHD, feeling lazy and worthless and forgetful and stupid.

Nightmare reminds him that he wouldn't have kept Killer if he were worthless, and that he's a precious thing, to him.

Killer is content with being reminded of this at least once monthly.

Nightmare cannot function without his emotional support pen. He keeps losing it and can't get his work done— the boys find him a bunch of pens just like it and NM stashes them all over the castle, obviously so he can find one wherever he needs it... except, now he can lose the pens in more than one place. It's ineffective. They all find the pens for years after, while cleaning and such.

Killer is very outwardly hyperactive, always playing with something or fidgeting, whether it's playing with a knife, carving a little figure, or bouncing his leg.

Nightmare is very inwardly hyperactive. The most noticeable thing he does is moving his tentacles, or rocking when he's sitting and shifting his weight on his feet. He's constantly overthinking and running 10 scenerios in his mind and listening to 2 different trains of thought and feeling overwhelmed. He's easily irritable when this gets too bad.

Killer's love language is biting.

Nightmare will bite him back. Maliciously. (It's with love.)

[siren-of-fire]

"Maybe the corruption needed me as much as I needed it"

Where did this need come from?

Was it the helplessness of Mocha never being given a choice from the start, desparately surviving and in the end he grew so tired of everything and wished to escape.

Was it the the tragic nature of Pili five apples tall- how he couldn't find his way back home, how nobody saw him as his own person, constantly put the blame on him by saying he had amnesia and he should be understanding of others feelings when they never even tried seeing his feelings ever, didn't trust him at all and was rude and unkind to him, didn't help when he was getting stalked or when his house was blown up or when he was killed multiple times and when he was having his best day since he came to this Realm and was murdererd. And all those times he couldn't do anything and just had to accept it. Just like so many other things he just swallowed it and let it happen.

Helpless and weak yet again just like Mocha. Pili 2 didn't do anything but the actions of the version who lived before him still haunted others mind and he faced the direct consequence of it.

Is it the multiple people constantly telling him that he will never be good enough, telling him he will always be a void that will never be satisfied with anything, calling him weak over and over and mocking and making fun of him?

Is it the irony of how everyone he is close to ends up somehow getting away from him?

But corruption revived him, it doens't leave him but instead gives him a motive.

Ace sees corruption as a misunderstood thing and a sentient being, it listens to him and follows him and in return he gets to be powerful and spread its seed everywhere for others to see its beauty as well. Its a bond where they both support each other.

Corruption doesn't make him feel helpless but instead makes him feel stronger and more in control. It doesn't judge him and needs him just as much desparately as he does because without a host corruption can't spread it's roots everywhere. Ace is acting as agent in helping it seek that motive.

Many others never even cared for him but maybe the corruption provides him with that care and warmth in its own twisted way. When Mocha's soul suffering from too much burden was in a fragile state, his soul was open to the hands of corruption and revived him and consumed all those painful memories he once had.

Corruption gives him a powerful tool and made him the Harbinger of the 4th and he in also returns that care with gentle words, singing and hugs essentially spreading the seed of it even more. Their motives to cause chaos align quite well too some would say. Now that's what some might say is a perfect teammate for Ace.

So yes in a twisted and weird mind control way him and corruption do need each other and are working together quite well it seems.

[katyahina]

Family tree of Izalith! (Well, in a certain timeframe, she actually has like 50000 more babies and you know it)

Explanations for design choices and names under cut:

1) Izalith IS her actual name! It is a bit obscured, but Miyazaki did mention it in the design works interview ( x ): "...Despite his size, he’s actually the youngest of Izalith’s children, he stands gazing up at the ruins where his sisters live. " Quelana also mentioned it in Japanese script:

私の母イザリスは : ‘My mother, Izalith’

2) Quelaana/Quelaan is not a thing! According to the dataminers, it was just a mistake that endured so long it spread within the fandom, but nope, Fair Lady remains nameless. In fact, as you can see, Quelana is actually Quelaana, because of the long ー!

3) I've noticed the pattern between Quelana and Grana, both eldest. Quelana says she abandoned her younger sisters in Japanese script:

…私は、母も、妹たちも、すべて棄てて逃げ出したんだ

Their names are very similar, only Grana is missing the ー (that localised as double aa) and 'ku' sound is replaced with 'gu' sound! So, クラーナ (Qura~na) and グラナ (Gurana). The sisters also tend to come in pairs: Quelaag and Fair Lady had the same mutation, two sisters became right and left arms of Bed of Chaos, and then two eldest sisters share a naming pattern... So I've decided that they should be born as twin pairs (not necessarily identical as you can see), and repeat the naming pattern. But always replacing 'ku' with 'gu' didn't work because, I shit you not, in that case Fair Lady's name would sound like word gulag fsdhfdshfsd So I had to get creative with the sounds!

4) Appearances of Grana and the Parasitic Wall-Hugger (labeled 'Prince Izalith' internally and having same mutation as Jeremiah, only entirely swallowed) are based of the secret face data attached only to Grana! Whereas removing her helmet just gives placeholder default data, loading her through debug menu will (seemingly randomly) load one of these faces:

Other faceless NPCs like Ciaran and two Darkmoon Blades do not behave like that! This NPC is seemingly broken, but I believe the blond girl is "canon" since the body is female and seems to match her head! But attaching that guy to Grana's data specifically made me think he must be connected to the Witch's family!

5) Whereas Quelana has normal skin tone in character data, trophy that depicts her and her concept art show grey skin, just like her mother's:

The thing is, in Dark Souls 1 creator it is impossible to make purely grey skin because you need RGB type of color selection slider for it... which Dark Souls 1 does not use. Purple, green and blue? Sure! But not grey. So I decided to ignore her face data colors as technical limitation and base her off the art of her instead! It fits, because Izalith herself has grey skin too!

6) The Tailsman of Fair Lady's hair in Dark Souls 3 has her hair pulled through Old Witch's Ring:

(By dataminer Zullie: ( x ))

I added this part on her former hairstyle... Let's assume she allowed someone to cut her hairbun for their sake, since her hair helps with casting miracles and she is a very generous lady. I actually think ALL sisters used to wear a variant of Old Witch's Ring in some capacity after Ceaseless was born to understand what he was saying, but some of the portraits I've drawn don't let me showcase them!

7) Seeing how Quelana just looks like her mother and Grana just looks like her father, I thought it was fitting if twin pairs would be born with dark and fair hair! But Quelaag already has a circle of green close to her pupil and some grey shades in her hair, so I thought that the younger sisters get, the more the colors "mix". That's why the youngest sister just has colors mixed completely, whereas 'Prince Izalith' instead has fractioned colors from both parents!

8) The idea of Nameless King having had colorful mane and eyes in his youth is based on this theory I smoked recently:

His youngest version having 8 red strands in his hair is based on his symbol of Warrios of Sunlight having radiant red rays in Dark Souls 1!

Ornstein and the Dragonslayer (fought as Dragonslayer Armor) also have red plume! But wheras Ciaran and Artorias have just their hair on their helmets, Ornstein and Dragonslayer specifically have a decoration... so, why imitate red lion mane, if their liege is not even red-maned in any way? XD

(add ingame filter that makes it red rather than brown)

At the same time, if Lion Clan people to him are what Corvians to Velka, it would make sense if they were based on him too, so golden hair also had a place to be:

The black-maned lions are Hollow though, so I don't think of them too hard! So I guess Nameless King is as much Radahn prediction as he is Godwyn prediction! God of War associated with the lions and all.

9) Theory that Lost Sinner IS Princess/Queen of Venn just makes the most sense, nothing else to say here... Venn was affiliated with the Moon though, and Sinner has both beard and breasts:

And whereas normally all gender-neutral pronouns is localized as 'he', in this case, devs specifically instructed people to not fuck this up and specify she IS a female character x) Moonlight IS gender-bending power of the setting as confirmed in Dark Souls 3 (and partially in 1), and it adds to her connection to Izalith whose grey skin and blue lips might hint to initial Moon affinity too! Moon and Fire always go together in Dark Souls and Elden Ring, and in Elden Ring they are also inherently hostile to the "Sun" or "Gold"... so, Jealous Moon!

10) I thought Izalith felt broken and used seeing how her firstborn was just a child of Sun, without any link to her. So in her grudge and strive to equality, she separated Jeremiah from her own being... Though, ironically, as you can see, her side ended up "dominant" if not suppressive anyways. I guess I felt like subverting trope of Lilith a little. It also interestingly enough mirrors Daughters of the Dark; two of them, Elana and Nashandra, have fair hair and green eyes, and other two have dark hair (and brown eyes, Alsanna has a hidden brown-eyed texture). She mirrors this type of splitting with her colorations a bit!

[starlighthosh]

It haunts me - l.jh

Pairing: idol! jihoon x makeup artist! reader

Warnings: a lot of angst, fluff at the end, they argued, kinda fresh relationship but they’ve known each other, forbidden relationship? It’s a secret for most of the people, Woozi is crying (heartbreaking), hint of depression, silent treatment, I yap a lot

Content: Jihoon and you have been dating for a few months now. And now you’ve entered the “fighting phase” and it really tests your relationship.

Word count: 1,7k

“Fuck you Lee Jihoon.”

“Dito.”

And with that, he leaves your apartment

You stand in your living room, watching the door he just left through. Everything inside you is fumbling. You feel the urge to scream, even though you quite literally did that just 2 minutes ago. Your eyes are filled with anger, but still.. why do I feel so sad?

Jihoon and you have been dating for a few months now and since 2 weeks the popular “fighting phase” begun. It’s a phase where couples fight almost every other day, barely having any happy moments together. It’s truly a test for the relationship and the current status for the both of you is.. really bad.

You’ve already been to this phase a lot of times with other people you dated, but with Jihoon you were sure you can make it. No one has ever quite loved you like he does or did? and you have never felt like that for someone like you do for him.

Those stupid irrelevant arguments can’t be the reason you lose him. But you will, if you don’t take actions. So you pull out your phone, still shaking from the heated argument that echoes in the room.

Baby

Seen

Can we talk please?

Seen

Without all the shouting?

Seen

He isn’t answering. Jihoon always needed his time after an argument to calm down and to sort his brain. You knew that. Most of the time you would find him in his studio and you would talk the things out. But in the recent days, you didn’t talked out anything. And it’s clearly boiling up.

After two hours, there was still no answer. Only you crying your heart out on your sofa. Several thoughts going through your head. What if I really lose him? What if this is the end of us? Will I ever recover from this? I won’t. I hate him so much for making me cry like this. But I love him more than myself

You’re wondering how Jihoon must feel right now, what he’s doing, where he’s at, if he’s okay or also crying. And he is.

-

Jihoon went to his studio after he left. Like he always does. But instead of distracting himself with composing music, he’s laying on his couch staring at the ceiling. Every word from the argument replays in his head over and over again. Do they hate me now? Am I going to lose them?

He saw your text messages. Of course. He already typed an answer. The only thing stopping him are his fingers pressing send. He just can’t move. Something inside him is stopping him from getting the love of his life back. Eventually he falls asleep in his studio, tears still rolling down his cheeks while dreaming of losing you. And when he wakes up tomorrow, he knows that this dream is going to haunt him forever.

-

The next few days there is absolutely no contact between the two of you. Well, there is, kinda. Since you work for Seventeen as their makeup artist, you see each other every day. Always finding his eyes, even if there are no words exchanged between the two of you. You also try to text him and call him quite often. But there is still no response from him.

You’ve never felt this lonely in your life. Jihoons touch, voice, presence.. it all made you feel so loved. And now, it’s all gone. Obviously it also changes your behavior.

You’ve always been so bright at work, chatting with the members and other staff, cheering them on when they’re performing, always having a big smile on your face. That’s what attracted Jihoon to you. You were total opposites, but there was still a language, that only the two of you spoke.

Your excuse for the change of behavior has been that you’re having some difficulties with your family and are kind of stressed about it. That might work with the staff members, but with the Seventeen members? No. Especially since they also noticed the change of Jihoon. He has always been more laid-back, but with you he became so much softer. Talking with you about several stupid things, inviting you to go out, showing you his music in his studio.

There are only a few members that you actually told about your relationship, like Hoshi, Scoups, Jeonghan and Vernon. But the others also noticed it. And now, they’re not happy about the sudden change. Normally, they would tease Jihoon about how cute he has been with you. Seeing him like this, even quieter than before, always looking like he cried the whole night, starring at his phone screen because it’s a picture of you, holding his necklace to his mouth with your letter on it, slightly kissing it. It’s all just so.. sad. They have to do something about it. Immediately.

One day after practice, all of them stayed a little longer, except for Jihoon. He didn’t really noticed it, his mind still full with thoughts about you, and this damn dream. All of them decided to give you a call.

-

You were laying on your couch, wrapped in your favorite blanket, wearing his clothes, watching his favorite drama and cuddling with your emotional support pillow as a replacement for him. But nothing could replace the warmth of him. Suddenly you hear your phone ringing. You jumped up, thinking that this time it might be Jihoon. But it wasn’t. It was Hoshi.

“What’s up, Hoshi?”

“Hey y/n, how are you?”

“I’m fine, why are you asking?”

“Well, in the last few days Jihoon and you have been acting kinda strange. I just wanted to make sure everything is alright between you?”

“It’s nothing Hoshi, don’t worry. But still thanks for checking in. Bye!”

You were ready to hang up the phone, till you heard another voice.

“Wait y/n! Don’t hang up yet. Please be honest with us, what happened?”

“Is that Seungcheol? Wait are the others there too?!”

“… Yeah”

“Jihoon too?”

You might have sounded a bit too desperate asking that, hoping they wouldn’t notice, but it was definitely clear for everybody listening.

“Listen, you don’t have to tell us what exactly happened. Just please go and talk to him about it. As the leader, I can’t tolerate it for him to lack at work, and as his friend, I hate to see him suffer this much.. also I miss spending time with you.”

There were a few agreeing hums in the background, but you didn’t cared. The last thing you heard was that he’s suffering. Suddenly you felt like a knife went straight through your heart.

“..he’s.. suffering?”

“Of course he is, he loves you. I can’t even imagine the pain he must feel right now”

“..I didn’t know. I thought he hates me, since he isn’t replying to me at all. Thank you guys for telling me”

“Sur..”

And with that you hung up. You immediately picked up your jacket and car keys, driving straight to his studio, in hope that he is there.

-

You’re standing in front of the door to his studio. Since you basically sprinted your whole way here, you had no idea what to say now. How are you going to resolve the fight? What if it gets even worse?

You take one deep last breath in and type in the password to his studio. You entered the room and there he was sitting, on his couch with tears streaming down his face, looking at his phone screen. When he noticed you standing in the doorframe with a surprised face, he immediately tried to hide his tears, but it was too late.

You already stepped closer to him, sitting down next to him and cupping his face with one hand. In his eyes there was this emptiness and it ripped your heart apart. Tears started building up in your eyes too.

“Jihoon, baby..”

“I’m so sorry, I should have come to you earlier, at least answer your messages”

“No, no.. I’m sure you had a good reason why you stayed silent”

He hated that about you. You were always so emphasizing, always seeing the good in people, never holding a grudge. It all made him love you even more. More tears streamed down his cheeks and his face burned up with embarrassment. This was in fact the first time you saw him this vulnerable.

Your heart ached for him. Of course you were suffering too, but seeing him like this was more hurtful than anything else. You quickly pulled him into a hug, also trying to hide your own tears. And this was his breaking point. He started to completely cry his heart out, painful sounds coming out of his mouth, crying apologies that are barely understandable.

You just sit there for a while. Holding him in the comfiest way possible, rubbing his back and scratching his head. It always calms him down. And the mood did settle.

“You know, I had a dream about you”

“A dream? What kind of dream?”

“You left me, I tried to scream and run after you, but I couldn’t. I have never been so frustrated in my life. It’s been haunting me ever since”

You breath stopped for a second hearing that. You would never leave him. How could you? He was the perfect boyfriend. It always felt like you were made for each other.

“Jihoon-ah, I would never leave you, like ever. Someone has to kill me first. Everything I have ever wished for, I found it with you. There are some difficult times, but I just know that we can do it. Because I love you and I need you in my life”

“I need you too, y/n. Like the air that I breathe. And in the last days, that was really hard”

“I’m here now. You can finally breathe again, okay?”

“Okay.. I love you”

“I love you too, Lee Jihoon”

There were still things you have to talk about, but that could wait till tomorrow. Everything important in this moment was just the both of you, holding each other and falling asleep on his couch.

Authors note:

Okayy. I’m super nervous right now. This was my first fanfic I wrote in a while now and I’m excited to know how you like it. If you have any tips for me, let me know please. Also, requests are open!

[genevievefangirl]

DBDA Comment Festival - Week 1 GenFangirl's Comments

When I first saw this event announcement I knew I wanted to get involved and participate because I love comments and it is also a way to push me out of my usual Payneland comfort zone and try a wider variety of fics!

So here is what I read and commented on for Week 1!

Level 1 - Comment on a completed work! This one was pretty simple, so I decided to stick to my Payneland hurt/comfort wheelhouse but I went looking for a fic I hadn't read before and found:

I won't let death part us again. By: TheSoullessDragon Rating: T Word Count: 2,364 Tags: Edwin Payne/Charles Rowland, Hurt Edwin Payne, Alive Edwin Payne, Alive Charles Rowland, Hurt/Comfort, Whump (and a few more) Summary: Edwin and Charles are brought back to life, they aren't entirely sure if its a curse or a gift. But they have to now actually live with it. And all the drawbacks that comes to being alive and seen by everyone. And they need to deal with the fact that being alive, means that death is possible in so many different ways.

I really enjoyed the back and forth style the author chose. Parts of the story would be told from a more present pov while others were told with a more all knowing narrator pov. And I always love me some whump and hurt/comfort!

Level 2 - Comment on a work with the Night Nurse character tag! I've been meaning to check out some NightFish (NN/Kashi) fics for a while and this was the perfect opportunity! During my search I found this:

Use the Sleeves of My Sweater (Let's Have an Adventure) By: thegirlofthorns @edwin-paynes-bowtie Rating: T Word Count: 6,050 Tags: Kashi/Night Nurse, First Dates, Canon-Compliant, Post-Canon, Fluff, Adventure & Romance Summary: “I understand,” Kashi nodded. “You want to be 100% serious, 100% of the time.” “I am glad that my wishes are sensible to you,” Charlotte said, satisfaction settling in her chest. “I had feared that you would want to try the silly thing-” “I do,” Kashi said, smiling impishly. “I very much like antics and tomfoolery, especially of the romantic variety! They lend well to memorable adventures, which as you know I’m always seeking out.” Charlotte rolled her eyes. If Kashi were anyone else, she would stand up and walk away. But, since Kashi was at least more interesting than anyone else she knew, she flipped her hair over her shoulder and shot him a superior look of great judgment. Instead of being offended, Kashi laughed. “How about we make a bet? Just for fun, yes?” “What sort of bet?” “If I can get you to be a little bit silly tonight, do something a little bit adventurous, I’ll…” Charlotte raised an eyebrow. “You’ll what?” “I do not know,” Kashi shrugged. “What do you want me to do?” - Or, Kashi gently pushes Charlotte to be a bit more adventurous while on their first date.

This was incredibly cute. Like so adorable I was smiling the whole time! The author really nails the voice of Kashi and the Night Nurse and their banter could have come straight from the show itself.

Level 3 - Comment on a work with the Jenny Green & Edwin Payne relationship tag! I really didn't know what to expect from this tag, but while perusing I did find the triple bonus fic that actually fulfilled levels 1 and 2 as well and the summary grabbed my attention, so I decided to give it a full read!

Teenagers Scare the Living Shit Outta Me By: Sabulana @sabulana Rating: T Word Count: 10,247 Tags: Jenny Green & The Night Nurse, Jenny Green & Crystal Palace, Jenny Green & Edwin Payne, Jenny Green & Charles Rowland, Referenced Child Abuse, Alcohol Summary: I wanted to write about Jenny and the Night Nurse comiserating over how their lives are turned upside down by a bunch of reckless teenagers. Then my brain wanted context for how they got there. ---- Things settled into a new kind of normal that was also really fucking weird and Jenny was slowly becoming okay with it. She had to admit, having help in the store wasn't bad. If she got sick of dealing with people, she would put Crystal up front to do the talking bits while she chopped and sliced and cut away at meat in the back. Charles and Edwin learned to knock on the cupboard door when they came through the mirror so there were no heart attacks or thrown knives. Crystal sometimes had to disappear for a case, but Jenny was used to running a store by herself anyway. Slowly, she gained a few regular customers that weren't all that bad. There was one woman she suspected of being a witch but as long as she wasn't looking to harm the dead boys and/or blow up the shop, Jenny was content to sell her the weird off-cuts, blood and offal she asked for without question. And then that red-haired woman showed up in a burst of fucking fire.

The absolutely highlight of this fic is towards the end when Jenny and the Night Nurse have a chat over some wine. I wasn't really a Night Butcher shipper before reading this fic, but I might have been converted. Jenny's interactions with her caravan of adopted teens were a joy to read as well. Also, Jenny has some wonderful moments with ghost children before they move on that warmed my soul. This was a very fun (and sweet) ride.

Bonus Prompt! Comment on a fic from April Foolish Pairing Fest! I actually participated in this event and the wild combinations are such fun to see! I decided to pick this fic with the Night Nurse/Dagfinn (apparently I couldn't get enough of Night Nurse this week!):

The View from Point No Point By: ChekhovsBBea Rating: G Word Count: 1,119 Tags: Night Nurse/Dagfinn, Pre-Relationship, Canon Compliant Summary: Dagfinn dislikes company. The Night Nurse dislikes delays. They might not completely dislike one another.

This fic explores what could have happened to the Night Nurse as she crawled out of the sea and I cannot deny that the idea that she ran into Dagfinn is incredibly amusing to me. The author did a great job with their interactions. Dagfinn is still abrasive, but he also has this kind other side that is nice to see.

And that's it for week 1! Thanks for running this event @dbdaweeklycomments! See you next week! ❤

[sapphicscholar]

Hacks Episode 4.04 Thoughts

Okay, saying it up front: I found this episode much better on rewatch. But both times we are relishing ALL the parallels to past episodes/seasons in the ep! From the small details��Deborah doing the same training regimen as Ruby did at the start of season 3 + retaining the starting line to the opening monologue from her unaired Late Night pilot—to the big thematic notes—Deborah performing for Ava as her audience of one at this crucial, terrifying moment, much like she was ready to do for Ava back in S1 for the full run through of the new act, then did looking for Ava in the wings at the taping of her special. And there's nothing like a parallel to highlight what’s changing and what’s staying static. Show biz is demanding the same old same old, especially of women, but Deborah’s not the same woman she was back then—and Deborah and Ava’s dynamic is forever in motion, but somehow still, even now, the grounding point for this thing they’ve built together that makes it possible. (But, despite what they make work together, these two are their own isolated mirror images this episode, sitting all alone in ritzy LA bars and restaurants—a celebration that feels like anything but.)

Deborah freezing on stage, and Ava just running to her backstage…only to be utterly rebuffed. But also it’s so telling what line Deborah froze on: “Second act is code for no wanted to…” Because that’s just it, no? No one wanted her. No one wants her. It’s Deborah’s great fear, anathema to everything she’s been working for! She’s got a second chance, and that’s incredible, but it feels all the more tenuousness when she knows just how easy it is to lose.

I love it when a show doesn’t shy away from what’s potentially predictable, but does it in such a way that it packs one hell of a punch anyway, and they knocked it out of the park with Deborah’s focus narrowing to little more than Ava during the premier. Beautifully shot, beautifully acted, beautifully done. And the happiest either of them have looked all season to boot.

Similarly, the hospital scene was lovely, but also just a little heartbreaking (in the best of ways) to show us the distance between this episode and New Eyes—the way they hold themselves apart even as they’re sharing this life-changing moment together. It’s effective in the quietness of its divergence, and I love that.

(Also, my hc is that Deborah changed her emergency contact to Ava before they went on tour, since she was leaving with only Ava at the start, which would make her the most obvious fit. But that also means she kept Ava her emergency contact post-betrayal.)

Not Ava and Deborah focused, but Hannah really fucking killed it with the tow truck/sex toy shop scene, especially knowing she was asked to improv portions of it to see what came out. It’s cracky and funny, and a much needed reprieve from the heaviness of the episode and what’s been going on in her personal life. Also, there is nothing I love more than Ava on the brink shouting things about Lemony Snicket or giant dildos – my favorite Ava is one hair’s breadth away from falling apart, but also somehow at her most attractive to me in that kind of hot mess way

Some quibbles:

I’m just flashing big Do Not Want signs at this version of “bad boss bitch” Kayla. I don’t need half Cruella mode. I just…we don’t need another diva on set. I’m not interested.

Similarly, if we’re thinking about verisimilitude…going for a big splashy opening with the sole guest star as…Randy Newman?? It feels like another instance where they had a guest star they were personally excited about but didn’t really think about putting in intentionally, but instead threw it where it could go but didn’t necessarily add anything (because I’m sorry, but a major network late night show isn’t going to struggle to get big name talent! This isn’t the start of season 2 again where Deb’s starting from the ground up! For better or worse, she has a massive industry machine behind her now). Instead it was just an easy way to have her end up alone—hence the lack of a second guest, too—which just…okay?

Lastly, I don’t really get some of how they’re rewriting Damien… I can understand him cracking under the new pressures post-losing Marcus, but his sweaty, hand-shaking panic in the restaurant just seems a far cry from the Damien of S1 who so confidently announced to Deborah that he’d made ebay his bitch in getting her rug, then the Damien who was so blunt in telling Ava he didn’t like comedy. We’ve seen him sweaty and out of breath running Deborah’s errands in the last couple seasons, but the sweatiness and breathlessness were about physical exertion, not the panic of interacting with Deborah? I don’t know. I’m feeling more critical about this because of what they’ve also done with Kiki’s reduction to a bit-character post-s1 (which feels all the worse now that they’ve written off Marcus apparently, reducing a show that, in season 1, felt diverse in its very makeup—both sexually and racially, with characters like Marcus, Wilson, and Kiki getting relatively robust screentime with lives that expand beyond Deborah’s and glimpses into the lives of Damien and Josefina to boot—to an almost entirely white show where characters of color show up to play a part for a quick laugh or a quick moment of insight)

[buttercupshands]

(Forgot to post again)

A birthday present for a friend :)

[chimerafeathers]

i know we love to rag on Siffrin for feeling so miserably guilty and manipulative for the crime of [checks notes] “doing nice things for their friends so that they’ll be happy and care about him even if it’s not perfectly sincere on his end”

but like. in context i don’t think that thought process is anywhere near as nonsensical as it always sounds written out like that

i’m sure i’m just stating the obvious here but it’s not really about the “crime” of making people happy. it’s about what he’s not doing, which is anything that would allow their friends to have any real knowledge or agency over the situation they’re all in.

it’s about never acting according to his real feelings in the moment and letting them see the messier version of him that exists now, never allowing their relationships to evolve or develop meaningfully beyond the “safest” iteration, the thing that is Known and produces the Correct Results, because anything else has the possibility of leading to negative emotions towards Siffrin.

Siffrin knows he’s not really doing all this for their benefit, not entirely, because the “right” thing to do would give them the full context to choose how they feel and what to do about it. they’re happy, but in a way they don’t get to keep. they’re happy, but in a way that keeps Siffrin safe from anything more complex and real. they’re happy, but only because some Siffrin in the past said the right things once, and this new, bitter, lonely, desperate version wouldn’t know how to get the “correct result” without a script to follow. they’re happy, and it was real once, it meant something once, but not anymore.

they cared about that Siffrin, yes, but would they still care about this one, if they knew? if Siffrin ever allowed them to know? (he won’t, he can’t, he refuses.)

and there’s something that could have been said in favor of Siffrin allowing himself this “selfishness” if it made him happy anyway, if it could be a genuine source of comfort in a difficult situation—but it doesn’t! not really! because that guilt is there, because that fear is there, because of how flimsy it all inevitably feels.

so they’re not doing it for their family’s benefit, because that happiness is predicated on lies and ignorance. he’s barely doing it for his own benefit, because they’re torturing themself by revealing things they no longer want to reveal, concealing things they no longer want to conceal, acting out of fear of rejection rather than genuine desire for connection. who benefits from this hollow “kindness,” really?

that’s why the last loop had to be the ugliest one. Siffrin had to see that the worst could happen and there could still be love and connection on the other side. that even when the party sees the worst of him, when they have the agency he’s been knowingly denying them, they will still choose to love him.

[randomalistic]

I used to avoid watching wreck it Ralph bc turbo would make me feel new emotions that I couldn’t/refused to process

you and me brother... that's how i was for 7 years and then I let the floodgates open

> Hyperfixation trance state

> Wake up 9 months later in a parking lot

> I'm in a tracksuit covered in dirt and grass stains

> Strong urge to check my computer

> 2-hour video on my hard drive

[realbeefman]

stacy is sooo interesting because she's in love with house but knows that they will never ever be able to have a healthy, stable, sane relationship because they're too similar so. she finds house-lite instead and marries him and. essentially moves on with her life! and is successful in this because she's a moderately well-adjusted person!

wilson, in contrast, never manages to escape the inevitable, in spite of his best efforts to find a house-lite of his very own, because he's an absolute fucking freak and ends up glued to house to the bitter. bitter end