cosmerelists

[cosmerelists]

Cosmere Characters Trying to Sell You a Mattress

I've always thought that it must be kinda tough to be a mattress salesman. Mattresses are expensive, after all, and working on commission must make the job extra stressful. So anyway let's make Cosmere characters do it.

1. Kaladin: Jogs around the store with a mattress hefted high over his head

Remember when Kaladin wanted his crew to practice carrying bridges with him so he jogged around shirtless with a log hefted on his shoulder to inspire them? I like to think that Mattress Salesman Kaladin would do the same thing, only they do make him wear his uniform shirt.

Sales: Surprisingly good. ...Or maybe it's not that surprising.

2. Lightsong: Sleeps peacefully to show you how wonderful the mattress is

Or so he says. It is possibly he is simply napping on the job.

Sales: Pretty good, but only because Llarimar is handling the actual sales part.

3. Kelsier: Gives people the code to the door and some hints about the guard schedule

He then claps them lightly on the shoulder and comments that everybody deserves a nice mattress, even people who can't afford one.

Sales: Very bad, so far as the store is concerned. Kelsier thinks it's going quite well.

4. Elhokar: Is intentionally sabotaging his own sales

Elhokar has been convinced for MONTHS that one of the other employees is sabotaging him. Since the manager won't listen, Elhokar has taken to sabotaging his own sales in order to gather evidence of sabotage. It's a plan that can't possibly fail!

Sales: Honestly kinda middling, even before the whole fake sabotage plot

5. Nikaro: Waits for the customers to find him

"People who truly desire a mattress will seek me out," he murmurs from the shadowy corner he's sitting in. He aims to sound intriguing, but he may in fact just be shy.

Sales: Bad; Nikaro may not be cut out for sales

6. Adolin: Doesn't know shit about mattresses, and yet

He skates by mostly on charm. "Oh yeah, a lot of people buy this one! One guy the other day said that he researched all the mattresses and that this one was the best" --Adolin, about to make a sale.

Sales: Better than he rightly deserves

7. Vivenna: Knows everything there is to know about mattresses, and yet

Vivenna did all the research. She can tell you about how mattresses are big problem in landfills, how buying a new one probably won't fix your marriage, and how the extended warranty probably isn't worth the money.

Sales: Worse than she rightly deserves

8. Jasnah: Acts as though you need to convince her to sell to you

Jasnah isn't sure you're ready to commit to this new mattress. Can you really handle its upkeep? The remote control? Do you have references from your previous mattress store? Somehow, this makes you desperate to prove that you are ready to buy this mattress--yes, even the more expensive one!

Sales: Good, somehow. How does she do that??

9. Kenton: Doesn't even work there and yet

Kenton is in there every day, aggressively selling mattresses to even the toughest customers. He's sure that if he can only sell enough mattresses, he'll get hired! His dad owns the store, after all. (His dad does not want to hire him.)

Sales: Good, but not good enough to impress his dad

10. Shallan: Draws Your "Ideal Sleeping Self"

Once you see yourself sleeping peacefully on the Feathered Dreaming Quality Mattress 5000, you won't be able to leave without one.

Sales: Would be better if Shallan didn't get distracted so often sketching Kaladin jogging around with his mattress...

[cosmerelists]

They're Adding a New Piece to the Chess Board...Cosmere-style

You may have seen the popular post about how adding a "Prince" piece to the chessboard, which "basically fags it up out there." Then I saw another version of that post (here) and realized the meme potential. So here's a Cosmere version!

[Ending spoilers for Mistborn Era 2: The Lost Metal and for Warbreaker!]

1. They're adding a new piece to the chess board called the Vivenna and it basically just helps your opponent.

2. They're adding a new piece to the chess board called the Kaladin and it basically shows up at the last possible moment and can kill any piece--except the king.

3. They're adding a new piece to the chess board called the Vin and it basically just brings mass death.

4. They're adding a new piece to the chess board called the Moash and it basically goes straight for the king.

5. They're adding a new piece to the chess board called the Lightsong and it basically just lazes around out there.

6. They're adding a new piece to the chess board called the Wayne and basically at the end it just sort of explodes.

7. They're adding a new piece to the chess board called the unnamed mom and it's basically just there to make you sad.

8. They're adding a new piece to the chess board called the Tress and it basically brings all of your opponent's pieces onto your side.

9. They're adding a new piece to the chess board called the Shai and it basically can become any piece you want it to be.

10. They're adding a new piece to the chess board called the Stormfather and basically it just knocks all the pieces off the board. Yeah, that includes yours, sorry.

11. They're adding a new piece to the chess board called the Kelsier which is unkillable.

12. They're adding a new piece to the chess board called the Lirin and if you kill any of your opponent's pieces this piece will cure them.

13. They're adding a new piece to the chess board called the Lift and it moves really fast! Possibly not in the direction you want it to go, though.

14. They're adding a new piece to the chess board called the Nale and if one of your pieces kills your opponent's piece, the Nale piece kills it as punishment. Why yes it does make it hard to play.

15. They're adding a new piece to the chess board called the Denth which seems really helpful at first but basically at some point it WILL betray you.

16. They're adding a new piece to the chess board called the Lezian which will just fixate on killing that one knight piece for some reason.

17. They're adding a new piece to the chess board called the Raboniel which will sacrifice itself to save your opponent's queen.

18. They're adding a new piece to the chess board called the Hoid and it, well, (voice drops to a whisper) nobody knows what it's doing--or why.

W-Where did this piece even come from?

[cosmerelists]

Cosmere Characters When There Is One Slice of Cake Left

It's an age-old (?) conundrum. You've opened the fridge and there is but one slice of leftover cake in there. You want some cake, but you also do not live alone in this scenario, and there are other cake-loving individuals in this household. So what do you do? Take it? Take part of it? Leave it? Well, if these Cosmere characters found themselves in that scenario...

(And, uh, for the Rosharan men, this is a very, uh, spicy cake. Full of meant. Yeah.)

1. Gavilar: Takes the whole slice. It is his cake after all. Now that he's taken it, at least.

2. (Young) Dalinar: Just keeps grabbing a fistful of cake whenever he passes by. For some reason, no one else seems to want it.

3. Sadeas: Takes the whole slice. He knows that other people might want some. That's why he's making sure to take it before they do!

4. Steris: Carefully splits it halfway each time. The cake is starting to wobble.

5. Wax: Carefully splits it halfway each time. The cake slice is a hair's breadth. W-Wait, is this some kind of flirting for them??

6. Design: Splits it exactly halfway each time. We're talking exact. Down to the molecule. She may just be showing off.

7. Syl: Tries the cake, is delighted, and now is insisting that Kaladin share it with her.

8. Tress: Seeing as there is only one slice left, Tress gets to work baking a new cake.

9. Radiant: Leaves the slice for someone else. She's too focused on her Duties to bother with cake.

10. Colot: The cake is specifically labeled "not for Colot." This keeps happening to him.

11. Sazed: Does what is most polite: In other words, he splits the pieces, the other person chooses their half.

12. Evi: Splits the cake and takes some to Dalinar.

13. Sixth of the Dusk: Unattended cake? Probably a trap of some kind.

14. Allrianne: Is waiting for someone else to cut the cake so that she can claim the larger half.

15. Sigzil: Sigzil offered to post a cake-eating schedule to make sure that everyone got the right amount of cake, but the others scoffed at that. Looks like the cake is his.

16. Rock: Can't believe that there is still leftover cake! He's sending Renarin to go share it with Rlain immediately.

17. Gaz: Takes the whole slice. He has cake debts, man!

18. Dilaf: Takes the whole slice to throw it in the trash. He's not a fan of joy.

19. Crow: Generously shares the slice of cake with her whole team. Before telling them it's poisoned.

20. Wayne: Takes the whole slice, it's true, but he DID leave a potted fern in its place, so.

21. Allik: Is adding more cake to the fridge. Also some cookies. And some fudge.

22. Denth: Takes the whole slice! Oh, but it turns out it was just to give it to you. Since he can't be trusted around cake. And he really wants you to have it.

Wow, he's really making mercenaries look good.

[cosmerelists]

Tumblr Days of the Week but Make It Cosmere

Tumblr famously celebrates its own...special weekly holidays, like "Out of Touch Thursdays" or "Flat Fuck Fridays" or, well, you can see a bunch of them here.

But if, in defiance of time and reason, all of the various Cosmere planets and eras were on their own version of tumblr at the same time, what days of the week might they celebrate?

1. Sunday

FUCK IT'S THE SUN Sunday (origin: Canticle)

Show the Safehand Sundays (origin: Roshar)

2. Monday

Mistwraith Mondays (origin: Scardial)

Drab Life Mondays (origin: Nalthis)

3. Tuesday

Hoid Is Here Must Be Tuesday (origin: everywhere)

Twinborn Twink Tuesday (origin: Scadrial)

4. Wednesday

Adonalsium-Will-Remember-Our-Wednesday (origin: Canticle)

Change Wayne's Hat It's Wednesday (origin: Scadrial)

Water Me Wednesdays (origin: Taldain)

5. Thursday

Therapy Thursday (origin: Roshar)

6. Friday

ChasmFRIEND Fridays (origin: Roshar)

Friday? No It's BI-day (origin: Komashi)

7. Saturday

Be a Stick Saturday (origin: Roshar)

Silver Dude Saturday (origin: Sel)

[cosmerelists]

Top 10 Best Cosmere Characters to Have With You During a TV Apocalypse

By "TV Apocalypse" I mean one of those unrealistic "society has collapsed and now we must roam the land, scavenging spaghetti-o's from the grocery store" type of deals. If you got to have a Cosmere character as your companion in that situation, here are the ones I think would be the best.

#10: Adolin

I'm thinking of Adolin mainly because of how he was when he, Shallan, and Kaladin got unexpectedly dumped into Shadesmar. Adolin was there making sure Kaladin kept his spirits up and that everyone took breaks and had snacks and all that stuff. Very nurturing. Also he'd definitely have like five swords on him, so if it's one of those TV apocalypse shows with monsters, Adolin could handle those as well.

#9: Jasnah

Jasnah survived after being dumped into Shadesmar unexpectedly, so I know she has the "wandering around and surviving" credentials that would be necessary to survive a TV-style apocalypse. She's very smart and practical and well-read, so I feel like she'd be able to handle whatever was thrown at us as well.

#8: Kenton

I guess I was just thinking about "characters who are good at surviving in inhospitable environments" and I thought of Kenton. I haven't read a lot of White Sand, but I do know that Kenton is out there avoiding being eaten by sand worms and surviving in the desert, so that's a promising resume.

#7: Kelsier

Kelsier's whole schtick is "surviving," so if I needed to survive something like a TV-style apocalypse, then Kelsier seems like an obvious choice of partner. The only problem is that I think Kelsier's main objective is, you know, his own survival. So I might be left to be eaten by feral dogs or something. Not ideal.

#6: Vin

I'd feel very safe by Vin's side, because if it's the sort of TV apocalypse with monsters roaming around, I'd know that Vin could take care of those monsters. And I feel like Vin would be less likely to intentionally sacrifice me, compared to Kelsier.

#5: Steris

Steris is a literal disaster specialist. She knows what to do in a variety of disaster-type scenarios and she's great at planning for all eventualities. So I think she'd be a real asset to have by my side in the apocalypse. The main issue is that Steris is usually supplemented by, like, Wax, who can do the physical labor stuff. If it's me and Steris, then there's nobody for that stuff.

#4: Kaladin

Kaladin is a solid choice, I feel, because he's Kaladin. He's survived being a slave, being in Bridge 4, being in a high storm, being in the chasms... I bet he can survive the apocalypse too, and I bet he'd be pretty invested in me surviving. These days, he could even provide free therapy and not-too-disgusting stew! The only issue is that Kaladin doesn't have a great track record of his companions surviving...

#3: Tress

Tress can make bad food taste good. This to me seems very important, because if you're eating disagreeable slop twice a day, then surviving the apocalypse is going to feel more and more like an unworthwhile goal. Plus, Tress is a mechanic, basically, so if we need to fix up an old rusted car or something, she's got me. She's also great at making friends, so I bet we'll end up with more companions by the end of the week. Finally, she's just pleasant to be around. Hanging out with Tress would make an apocalypse better, I think.

#2: Lirin

In those type of shows, I feel like it's usually a vet who provides the medical care. But Lirin would be great--he knows how to treat different kinds of injuries, and he'd never refuse anyone care. Having Lirin by my side in the apocalypse means that I'm probably not going to die from a leg wound getting infected or something, so that's good. And although Lirin is maybe not the most cheerful person to hang out with, not dying is really key to surviving.

#1: Sixth of the Dusk

In canon, Sixth of the Dusk is literally out there not only surviving in an inhospitable wilderness of death, but also helping ensure that some stupid mainlander survives too. I'm the stupid mainlander in this equation, so I like that resume. The main issue, I think, is that Sixth of the Dusk isn't going to want to get stuck with me. But he can write his own list, then!

[cosmerelists]

"See ya later, alligator" Across the Cosmere

There's a farewell exchange in English, mostly for kids, that goes, "See ya later, alligator" followed by "Not for a while, crocodile." If planets across the Cosmere said farewell via rhyming couplets, what would that be like?

1. Roshar (Stormlight Archive)

"Elsewhere hearkens, larkin." "I'll be around, axehound." ----- "Never sicken, baby chicken." "Death can scram, little lamb." ----- "Stay a stud, rockbud." "Stay a king, cremling." ----- "I'll be quick, mighty stick." "See ya then, friendly spren." (The last one is pretty new.)

2. Nalthis (Warbreaker)

"Stay blue, boo." "Dream green, queen." (It makes more sense on Nalthis.)

3. Scadrial (Era 2)

"Don't be phony, pony." "Only for a laugh, giraffe." "Go in joy, cowboy." "If you demand it, bandit." (You must envision the jolly tone.)

4. Scadrial (Era 1)

"Keep the faith, mistwraith." "It's already lost, koloss." "See ya later, in the mist" "Until we die by the Lord Ruler's fist." (...Things weren't so jolly, back then.)

5. Canticle (Sunlit Man)

"Be well, gazelle." "As you bade, future Shade." (It's a bit sacrilegious and naughty, in Threnodite)

6. Lumar (Tress of the Emerald Sea)

"Be gone for a smidgeon, pigeon." "It'll take a toll, seagull." "It's goodbye, butterfly." "You're right about that, kitty cat." (Lumar, the planet with rhymable animals, am I right?)

7. Threnody (Shadows for Silence)

"By Adolsinium, whose power remains on high, I say goodbye." "Despite the Shades, whose powers are fell, I bid you farewell." (They struggle with whimsy on Threnody)

[cosmerelists]

Cosmere Main Characters Swap Roles

As requested by @karlathewitch :)

Previously, I had Stormlight characters switch roles for a day. But in this post, characters are going to take each other's narrative place in the story--and we're going Cosmere-wide, baby! Here's how that might go.

And yes, this was randomized. : )

1. Raoden takes Kaladin's place

Raoden: Whelp. I'm a bridgeman now. Raoden: I could resign myself to my fate... Raoden: OR I could figure out a way to grow crops, trade for clothing and supplies, and make alliances with all of the other bridge captains! Raoden: Wow...look at that... The cut on my finger is already healing... Raoden: This place could definitely be worse. All the other bridgmen: [staring at him] Raoden: What?

2. Shallan takes Steris's place

Shallan: So...arranged marriage, huh? Wax: That is what has been proposed. Wax: I guess we should...get to know each other? Shallan: How do you poop in the Roughs? Wax: I- Wax: What?! Shallan: ...For some reason, I really thought that would work.

3. Kaladin takes Tress's place

Charlie: [sitting on Kaladin's shoulder. He's a rat] Charlie: So...you led a mutiny, huh? Kaladin: Yeah. Charlie: And everyone other than you died as a result? Kaladin: Yeah. Charlie: That's rough, buddy.

4. Lightsong takes Shallan's place

Lightsong: In order to save my family, I MUST become Jasnah's ward, no matter how hard it is! Jasnah: You know nothing. Get out of my sight. Lightsong: Oh well. I tried. Lightsong: Hey, does this city have any good spots to nap?

5. Siri takes Wayne's place

Wax: That's a nice new hat you have. Siri: Yeah. I bet a guy that if he turned around, he wouldn't be able to correctly guess my hair color. Wax: Ah, the old hair-color-changing trick, huh? Siri: Works every time. Wax: ... Siri: ... Wax: But, uh, why are you burning your old hat? Siri: I really don't know.

6. Vin takes Lightsong's place

Vin: So...I can heal one person, but to do so, I have to give up the power keeping me alive? Llarimar: I know it is a horrible responsibility, Your Grace. Vin: Horrible? The last time I chose to give up an incredible power, I didn't even get to heal someone! I gave it up AND decided to let the love of my life die! Vin: This planet rocks.

7. Wayne takes Charlie's place

Wayne: Well, I'm a rat now. Wayne: But then--my girlfriend can also become a rat, I bet! Wayne: Question: Is it bestiality if you're both sentient rats? Sorceress: Can you PLEASE be a LITTLE upset???

8. Steris takes Siri's place

Treledees: You will not LOOK at the god-king, you will not SPEAK to the god-king, you will just BOW to him and let him TAKE you. Steris: No, no. We're not doing a verbal contract. You need to add any addendums you want to make to this. Treledees: W-What is this enormous tome?? Steris: The marriage contract! I've been working on it since I was seven. Treledees: [eyes bugging from his head] Steris: Chop chop! We only have five hours until sundown, and I think our negotiations will need that entire time, given how unprepared you seem to be. Treledees: ... Steris: Honestly, it's a bit embarrassing for you.

9. Tress takes Vin's place

The Lord Ruler: [sobbing into Tress's shoulder] And I TRIED to align the planet, I DID! The Lord Ruler: But it was so HARD and now half the planet is ice and half the planet is ash! Tress: I'm so glad that my incredible friendship power is causing even you to open up! Tress: But why did you create a horrible slave society? The Lord Ruler: Because their ancestors were MEAN to me! Tress: ... Tress: Friendship over. Going to have to go with Plan B. The Lord Ruler: What's that? Tress: [already dialing Xisis's number] Don't worry about it!

10. Charlie takes Raoden's place

Charlie: Well...I've been pronounced dead, and I've been thrown into this horrible slimy prison. Charlie: But I bet my wife is on her way to rescue me, right now! Sarene: [Doing battles of wits with Hrathen & preparing to marry someone else] Charlie: Aaaany second now.

[cosmerelists]

😍

I don’t know much about the world, but it seems like if you take #cosmerelists and add it to #stormlight archive, you end up with #heheheheh.

[cosmerelists]

What Month Cosmere Characters Would Be Born In (Based Purely on Vibes)

As requested by @highflyingadored :)

If Cosmere characters' birthdays were translated to our calendar year, surely they would all have thematically relevant birth months, right? Well let's say yes, and in that case, here is when I think they (should) be born.

January Babies

Szeth: Because the snowy weather mimics his future wearing white clothing, and because of promises made but rarely kept

Nightblood: Because January is the moment when people think, "Now I shall end all of my bad habits" without understanding what habits are actually bad or how to do that

February Babies

Adolin: Because it's the month to celebrate a relationship or to feel extra gloomy that you messed up another. Plus "Valentine" can make you think either of love or of a massacre

Allrianne: Because what is red if not a lighter pink?

Bleeder: Because what is red if not the color of blood?

March Babies

Pattern: He'd want to be born in "pi day" month.

Lift: She'd want to be born in "pie day" month.

April Babies

Lightsong: I'm thinking spring colors, I'm thinking the slow return of warm weather, and I'm thinking someone celebrated for their resurrection

Kelsier: I'm thinking about wishing the flowers would return already, I'm thinking about those lingering cold days where it feels like it won't every be warm again, and I'm thinking about a dude refusing to die

May Babies

Tress: May is the "there's still time" month--not yet halfway through the year. The start of summer. A hopeful month, I think, and therefore Tress

Raoden: For the same reason. Raoden is also a "hope" character to me.

June Babies

Dalinar: For fire season (I'm sorry)

Siri: For rainbows! Siri may or may not be queer herself, but she does have rainbow hair, so.

Zellion: Because it's the month that, in my hemisphere, contains the longest day of the year. But if you outlast that, then the sun will trouble you less and less

Ranette: Pride month for our one canon married lesbian

July Babies

Kaladin: For the summer thunderstorms, which surely heralded his birth

Syl: For the summer thunderstorms, which surely heralded her birth

Wayne: For the fireworks. Surely Wayne was born beneath explosions.

August Babies

Allik: Because it's the hottest month in my part of the world, and I'd hate for Allik to be a tiny, cold baby

TenSoon: Born in the month of International Dog Day, of course

September Babies

Vasher: For me, September is a month where nothing happens. Vasher would like that. Even as a baby.

Moash: For caring about workers' rights. That's mostly what we remember about Moash, right?

October Babies

Marasi: For her sweet tooth.

Shallan: Because it's the month when leaves change color and people put on masks

Spook: I mean. Come on. His (nick)name is Spook.

November Babies

Aesudan: Because of the excess of food, much of it perhaps wasted, and because of putting papering over a violent history to pretend everything is okay

Rock: He just likes to cook. He belongs in the "big meal" month.

December Babies

Evi: Because I think she would like the holiday season.

Sixth of the Dusk: Because he was named for the end of the day and the dawning of a new one, and so should be born when the year is about to close

[cosmerelists]

Cosmere Characters vs. A Watched Pot (That Never Boils?)

You know that idiom, "A watched pot never boils?" Well, here's how Cosmere characters would treat a pot poised to boil that they're not supposed to watch.

[This post contains jokes based on Wind & Truth!]

Kaladin: Watches the pot the whole time, feeling stubborn.

Lirin: Doesn't watch the pot. He can recognize wisdom of the Heralds when he hears it! Also, he is busy.

Siri: Doesn't watch the pot--she has other things to do in the kitchen! She's helping the cook!

Lift: Doesn't watch the pot. Watching water boil sounds stormin' boring.

Pattern: Watches the pot, delighted to learn that it boils anyway, right on time! Humans sure love their lies.

Vasher: Doesn't watch the pot. He's sleeping. Wait--he's sleeping too long! Someone tell Vasher that the pot is boiling over!

Szeth: Watches the pot the whole time, his eyes wide and unblinking. Is he actually watching? Is he reflecting upon the voices only he can hear? Before long, the pot boils. Possibly out of fear.

Elend: Having been told not to watch the pot, Elend can't help but steal a few glances at it, you know, just to buck authority.

Shallan: Does not watch the pot--she has, like, a million other things going on right now!

Amaram: Watches the pot but claims he didn't.

Lightsong: Has Llarimar stand with his back to the pot, deliberately not watching in case that helps it go faster. It is unclear whether Lightsong believes this or is just messing with his priest.

Ulaam: Does not watch the pot, but does leave his jar of eyeballs on the counter next to the pot, just to have a laugh (it's kandra humor).

Navani: Knows how it long it takes for a pot of that size to boil with that amount of water and that amount of heat. She doesn't need to watch!

Dalinar: Doesn't watch the pot, but does keep checking the time-keeping fabrial on his wrist. He can't seem to help himself.

Autonomy: Has hundreds of pots boiling on hundreds of stoves. Can she really watch them all? (Yes, and she's doing it.)

Honor: SWEARS he only took his eyes of the pot for a SECOND but the water has already burned away by the time he looks back and now the house is on fire. Whoops.

Preservation: STARES at the water, unblinking, to ensure that it doesn't try to turn into a gas on him. It doesn't work; why does it never work??

Harmony: Has Wax watch the pot for him.

[cosmerelists]

Rosharans Watch "Legally Blonde"

As requested by @sankta-wraith :)

I already imagined what it would be like if Rosharans were obsessed with Mean Girls. But what would they think if they were able to watch Legally Blonde?

1. Dalinar and Jasnah (What? they read Way of Kings together)

Dalinar: I just don't think I understand it. Dalinar: How is it inspiring for a woman to get into a university? Dalinar: I'm more curious about how her ex-boyfriend managed it. Dalinar: He could surely read, and yet, he didn't seem the type to defy gender norms... Jasnah: We live in a world that places undue stock in eye color. You don't think there are worlds where hair color is the same? Dalinar: So in this world, blondes are the underclass? Jasnah: That seems to be the implication. Jasnah: I would love to delve into the history of that. Dalinar: [Lost in thought, imagining a world where all of the Bridgemen were blond and fashionable] Dalinar: A strange world indeed...

2. Adolin, Shallan, Kaladin

Adolin: Beeend, and snap! Shallan: Nice. Shallan: Beeend, and snap! Adolin: That would DEFINITELY work on me [They both look expectantly at Kaladin] Kaladin: You both paused the movie for fifteen minutes to practice the "bend and snap." You really need me to do it too? Adolin: Yes. Shallan: Demand, really. Kaladin: FINE [Kaladin stands up, bends over, and "snaps" upright. His hair flips upwards with him, truly majestic] Adolin: Wow.... Should have known you'd be the best at it... Shallan: Don't even need to fight wars... Can just send Kaladin out to seduce the enemy... Kaladin: ...Let's just get back to the movie.

3. Bridge 4

Sigzil: All I'm saying, this is a movie about law and procedures. Lopen: No one wants a movie to have MORE forms! Sigzil: Well, for one thing you're wrong about that, but all I'm saying is... Teft: Might have been a bit boring, lad, if they had just whipped out a form. Sigzil: First of all, how dare you, but also--if they just had a "Gay or European" form, then the whole scene would be been so easily resolved! Rock: But it might then have lacked some...oomph. Sigzil (muttering): For a movie that started with an extended narrative about an exam, I just expected more.

4. Nale and Lift

Lift: Did you watch that movie I recommended?? Nale: ... Nale: Ah, yes...the move you recommended... Nale: ...I was certainly glad that...her blondness was legal. And not illegal. Nale: As illegal blondness would be difficult for one such as I to endorse. Lift: YOU DIDN'T WATCH IT AT ALL DID YOU

5. Gavinor and Navani

Gavinor: [staring dispassionately as only a 5-year-old can stare] Navani: Did you like the movie? Gavinor: It was okay. Gavinor: ... Gavinor: After Warner humiliated Elle, all that happened was...he graduated and didn't get a job? Navani: What did you want to happen? Gavinor: Roasted alive while wearing the bunny costume from the Halloween scene? Navani: ... Gavinor: Was that the wrong answer?

6. Szeth and Nightblood

Szeth: Do you think that if I had a small dog that could be carried around in a bag and that could fetch friends when I was in trouble--do you think that would fix me? Nightblood: Yes. Nightblood: And I think...that I am that dog! Szeth: ... Szeth: Do you want me to get a frilly bag to carry you around in, Sword-Nimi? Nightblood: I thought you'd never ask!

7. Sadeas & Ialai

Sadeas: This woman--she wears pink as though it is the livery of her house. Sadeas: She commits to fashion and style, even in the face of those who would put her down for it. Ialai: Personally, I like how she took down her enemies by outmaneuvering them, taking advantage of information that only she possessed. Sadeas: If we had had a daughter, I'd want her to be just like Elle Woods... Ialai: Me too...

[cosmerelists]

Hi,

I have this idea, a bit similar to one of the lists:

Role swap, but in full. As in example: Dalinar takes Shallan's place in trying to steal Jasnah's soulcaster. Perhaps cross books too, ex: Kelsier takes Tress' place, or Wax has to do bridge runs.

Thank you

(Info: I've read most of the books, except Yumi)

So I could see as them swapping for, like, major plot points? Sounds silly and therefore fun! I think there are two requests ahead of you, so this would likely be week after next!

[cosmerelists]

Bad Romance Novel Lines from Across the Cosmere

Surely every world has romance novels, even those of the Cosmere. And surely all of them have romance novels with...unfortunately written lines. Here are some bad romance lines you might find across the Cosmere.

"Her bosom heaved like twin boulders tossed upwards by a Highstorm." (Roshar)

"Her fingers slid from her glove one by one, like tiny sausages popping from their casing." (Roshar)

"As she gazed at the shirtless, blue-eyed Mistborn, she felt her lust Riot and her inhibitions Soothe. He Pulled her to him." (Scadrial)

"'I'm burning tin so I can feel all of you,' he whispered." (Scadrial)

"As a man of the Third Heightening, I could see all of the many, perfect colors that swirled in her hazel eyes. 'Awooga,' I whispered." (Nalthis)

"The beautiful Drab threw a passionate hand against her bosom. 'If I had Breath, you would have taken it away!' she cried passionately." (Nalthis)

"'No,' he growled. 'You and I are like aether and water. If we touch, neither of us would survive the encounter!'" (Lumar)

"She stared at his member, as big and taut as the Sorceress's tower." (Lumar)

"'I may be an elite member of the Dreamwatch,' he whispered hoarsely, 'but when i Watch you, I know that you are my Dream.'" (Komashi)

"She stared at his glistening chest. His abs were round and stacked, like a perfectly balanced pile of rocks." (Komashi)

"She knew that his Passion burned like the Sun, just as Quick, just as Deadly, and just as Intent on Catching her." (Canticle)

"In that moment, her heart burned so fiercely that she might as well have been a Charred." (Canticle)

"His member burst forth like a Sandling erupting from the desert sand." (Taldain)

"And in that moment, I decided: I would cover my heart in sand, keep my feelings buried, until the pure water of his confessed love caused them to rise up." (Taldain)

"The wounds of this betrayal would never heal--never!--like a stubbed toe in Elantris before its restoration." (Sel)

"'My Domin(at)ion shows my Devotion,' he purred, pulling the ropes tighter." (Sel)

"'My Twinborn powers don't matter!' he cried passionately. 'The only twins I care about are those!' And he gestured at the twin mounds on her chest." (Scadrial)

"'I wish I was a Slider so that we could make this moment stretch forever,' he whispered, holding her. 'That sounds really expensive' she murmured back." (Scardrial)

" 'The real Everstorm is the one that rages in my HEART!' he cried raggedly." (Roshar)

"Eagerly, she unsheathed his Shardblade but then paused, in awe. It was really more of a Shardhammer. And she couldn't WAIT to get smashed."

[cosmerelists]

Spoilers & Requests

I will continue to tag Wind and Truth spoilers with #wat spoilers. If you make a request and prefer there NOT be WAT spoilers, please let me know. Happy to do that but will otherwise feel free to include spoilers if it’s for a joke I like.

I just finished Isles of the Emberdark but no spoilers will appear for at least a month since that’s how long my queue is. Spoilers will be tagged with both #isles of the emberdark spoilers and #ssp5 spoilers since I don’t know what we’ve all decided on.

[cosmerelists]

Planning the Dragonsteel Plaza Menu

As requested by @actual22plus :)

Don't worry, Brandon Sanderson! You don't need to plan a menu for Cosmere Land; I've already planned it for you. These Cosmere menu items are sure to be a hit!

1. Rock's Hearty Stew [Origin: Roshar]

A slow-cooked pork stew like this one. Pork, because Roshar has pigs, and Hawaiian because the Horneaters always struck me as having a Hawaiian influence.

2. Horneater White [Origin: Roshar]

A coconut milk banana smoothie. What? Sanderson can't have alcohol at his park! Probably would be good with vodka, though...

3. Chouta [Origin: Roshar]

I mean, this one I can take straight from Sanderson himself: this is deep-fried meatballs in a sopaipilla. But if you're vegetarian, you can get it with falafel instead!

4. Crunchy Chouta [Origin: Roshar]

For your Rock cosplay, though, you might want to get the crunchy variation. They have deep-fried tortilla strips on top!

5. Pop'ems [Origin: Komashi]

They're friend donuts. You literally can't lose.

6. Noodle Pupil's Noodle Stand [Origin: Komashi]

You can buy various noodle dishes here! Ramen, udon, soba--and they have sides of rice as well.

7. Steamed Walnut bread [Origin: Lumar]

It's like Tress's kulunut bread! A nut-based bread cooked by steaming.

8. Seafood Jambalaya [Origin: Nalthis]

Nalthis has spiced rice dishes, and they got oceans. I'm sure they have a jambalaya-type dish.

9. Picnic Boxed Lunch [Origin: Nalthis]

If you pick this, you get a lovely picnic basket (that you can keep as a souvenir!) filled with a bunch of samples: meats, cheeses, desserts, a little bit of that seafood jambalaya, etc. It lets you pretend that you are Siri and Susebron having your own midnight picnic--only during the day. At the park.

10. RaiDomo Mai [Origin: Sel]

Since this is some sort of meat and veggies dish, very spicy, with a red sauce, I was thinking something like a Chinese Szechuan beef dish.

11. Baywraps [Origin: Scadrial]

I'm thinking these are essentially lettuce wraps with spiced barley and vegetables in them.

12. Allik's Hot Chocolate [Origin: Scardial]

Decadently sweet.

13. Bacon cheeseburger [Origin: Scadrial]

I'm pretty sure they have bacon, and while I don't think anybody has eaten a cheeseburger in text, Era 2 Scadrial does have fast food, and they presumably have cows, so I feel like the existence of a bacon cheeseburger is inevitable.

14. Venison Pot Roast [Origin: Threnody]

It's venison and gravy, just like you could eat at Silence's way station, if that's the sort of thing you want to pretend to do.

15. The Rosharan Drinks Stand [Origin: Roshar]

Since I assume Cosmere Land has no alcohol, the wines have been...let's say translated.

Pink: Strawberry-rose smoothie [juice with a floral taste]

Orange: Mango-orange juice with ginger [fruity and gingery]

Yellow: Yerba mate tea [deep and bold]

Auburn: Kombucha [earthy, fermented]

Red: Chicha morada, aka the Peruvian purple corn drink with cinnamon [flavorful but burns]

Sapphire: butterfly pea flower tea with almond milk and honey [I just wanted it to be blue; it's supposed to be nutty with honey]

Blue: Blueberry lemon smoothie [berry + lemon, baby]

Violet: Sour Plum Juice, or suanmeitang [finding a purple sandlewood drink is hard...this one is sweet, sour, salty, and smoky]

[cosmerelists]

Planning the Dragonsteel Plaza Menu

As requested by @actual22plus :)

Don't worry, Brandon Sanderson! You don't need to plan a menu for Cosmere Land; I've already planned it for you. These Cosmere menu items are sure to be a hit!

1. Rock's Hearty Stew [Origin: Roshar]

A slow-cooked pork stew like this one. Pork, because Roshar has pigs, and Hawaiian because the Horneaters always struck me as having a Hawaiian influence.

2. Horneater White [Origin: Roshar]

A coconut milk banana smoothie. What? Sanderson can't have alcohol at his park! Probably would be good with vodka, though...

3. Chouta [Origin: Roshar]

I mean, this one I can take straight from Sanderson himself: this is deep-fried meatballs in a sopaipilla. But if you're vegetarian, you can get it with falafel instead!

4. Crunchy Chouta [Origin: Roshar]

For your Rock cosplay, though, you might want to get the crunchy variation. They have deep-fried tortilla strips on top!

5. Pop'ems [Origin: Komashi]

They're friend donuts. You literally can't lose.

6. Noodle Pupil's Noodle Stand [Origin: Komashi]

You can buy various noodle dishes here! Ramen, udon, soba--and they have sides of rice as well.

7. Steamed Walnut bread [Origin: Lumar]

It's like Tress's kulunut bread! A nut-based bread cooked by steaming.

8. Seafood Jambalaya [Origin: Nalthis]

Nalthis has spiced rice dishes, and they got oceans. I'm sure they have a jambalaya-type dish.

9. Picnic Boxed Lunch [Origin: Nalthis]

If you pick this, you get a lovely picnic basket (that you can keep as a souvenir!) filled with a bunch of samples: meats, cheeses, desserts, a little bit of that seafood jambalaya, etc. It lets you pretend that you are Siri and Susebron having your own midnight picnic--only during the day. At the park.

10. RaiDomo Mai [Origin: Sel]

Since this is some sort of meat and veggies dish, very spicy, with a red sauce, I was thinking something like a Chinese Szechuan beef dish.

11. Baywraps [Origin: Scadrial]

I'm thinking these are essentially lettuce wraps with spiced barley and vegetables in them.

12. Allik's Hot Chocolate [Origin: Scardial]

Decadently sweet.

13. Bacon cheeseburger [Origin: Scadrial]

I'm pretty sure they have bacon, and while I don't think anybody has eaten a cheeseburger in text, Era 2 Scadrial does have fast food, and they presumably have cows, so I feel like the existence of a bacon cheeseburger is inevitable.

14. Venison Pot Roast [Origin: Threnody]

It's venison and gravy, just like you could eat at Silence's way station, if that's the sort of thing you want to pretend to do.

15. The Rosharan Drinks Stand [Origin: Roshar]

Since I assume Cosmere Land has no alcohol, the wines have been...let's say translated.

Pink: Strawberry-rose smoothie [juice with a floral taste]

Orange: Mango-orange juice with ginger [fruity and gingery]

Yellow: Yerba mate tea [deep and bold]

Auburn: Kombucha [earthy, fermented]

Red: Chicha morada, aka the Peruvian purple corn drink with cinnamon [flavorful but burns]

Sapphire: butterfly pea flower tea with almond milk and honey [I just wanted it to be blue; it's supposed to be nutty with honey]

Blue: Blueberry lemon smoothie [berry + lemon, baby]

Violet: Sour Plum Juice, or suanmeitang [finding a purple sandlewood drink is hard...this one is sweet, sour, salty, and smoky]

[cosmerelists]

Could you do a cosmere characters' favorite dnd spells?

You know, even though I play D&D quite a lot, I don't feel like I'm familiar enough with enough spells to write this without doing a bunch of research. So I won't take this, but thank you for the suggestion!

Per my last D&D list, Kelsier would be an absolute terror with mage hand, I feel. :)