#i have a hard time gendering MYSELF right because when people refer to me all the time it feels a bit invalidating

[cepheusgalaxy]

can we give a shoutout to my therapist who didn't misgender me ONCE (okay, once) during my last session? ^^^^

[aritany]

On Identity: The Truth

Content warnings: homophobia, transphobia, references to self harm and suicide.

I’ve been keeping secrets my whole life.

I’m 10 and I’m listening to my dad at the dinner table, who I know to be the most trustworthy person in the world. He talks about the legalization of marriage between two people of the same sex and asks us to consider the implications. Where do we draw the line in the sand? Legalizing gay marriage paves the way for legalizing pedophilia, after all. If a union between two men or two women isn’t disrespecting the sanctity of marriage, what’s next? Marriage between men and animals?

I’m 11 the first time I hear it: “It doesn’t matter how low I set the bar for you, you still can’t reach it.”

I’m confused and afraid—I’m trying so hard—but I hear it then, and again, and again, spoken low in disappointment, shouted with a vein popping in her forehead, cold like a fact, and it sinks in, bone deep.

I’m 12 with my first crush on a girl. I’m not confused, I know that’s what it is—I want to kiss my friend, and I already know not to talk about it. Never to talk about it. It isn’t safe.

I’m 13 and doubting. I throw myself into fitting in. I pick the right boys to like and I go overboard, and I do like them, I do, I do, I want them to like me, I want to be their friend. I want to be their equal, but that’s not quite how the story goes, so I settle for trying to hold hands with somebody I desperately crave respect from, but that’s wrong too, I learn. 

I’m 14 and convicted. How could this be wrong? I brush hands with a girl in choir and we meet eyes and I know. I watch a gay kiss on TV and I sob into my hands and I tell no one, no one, no one.

I’m 15 and I come out to my mom, haltingly, with the terminology that I have, because the thought of hiding forever—keeping quiet through one more dinner—kills me.

She tells me no. She tells me I’m wrong.

I look in her eyes and I understand: it’s not an option, and it never will be.

I’m 15 and I do my best to stop there.

It doesn’t work.

I’m 16 when I first hear my mom say that you can love someone and not approve of their lifestyle. I wonder what kind of love that is. I wonder how that kind of diluted, half-hearted, patronizing love can be enough for anyone. I wonder if she’s thought about how that feels, to be told that who you are—not by choice—is fundamentally wrong.

I’m 16 and a boyfriend is a shield. The right choice, so I make it, and it’s even almost fun. I love being his friend. I’m afraid of anything more.

I’m 17 and my youngest sibling whispers, “So am I.”

My heart breaks for the pain they’ll experience, as they too are taught, painstakingly, how to hate themself. Which parts of themself have to be kept hidden, which parts are shameful. They sit at that dinner table and hear the rhetoric that pushed me to the brink and over it, and I hope they’re stronger than I am.

They aren’t.

I’m 18 and my mom works at a college for the performing arts. I sit and curdle quietly while she talks about her genderqueer students. Misgenders them behind their backs. Deadnames used flippantly. She knows better, after all. She can be the expert on somebody else’s identity. They’re mentally ill, all of them. None of them are happy. They’re searching for something only God can provide.

I’m 19 and I come out as bisexual to the man I’m certain I’m going to marry, tearing the secret out like a bandage fused to skin. He tells me of course it’s fine, that he supports who I am. Of course people like me should have rights, of course. I laugh, relieved. Later, I find out this moment was almost a dealbreaker for him, and I wonder how much was ever real.

I’m 20 and I’m out. I’m 20 and I’m free. I’m 20 and I believe, because I’ve been told, that I am loved for who I am. All of who I am. I still flinch when I hear a car door slam.

I’m 21 and I’m searching for the connection to my womanhood. I’m searching for what makes a woman a woman. I’m reading gender theory and talking to friends around the world and wondering exactly what it is that I’m missing.

What does the rest of the world know that I don’t?

I’m 22 when my marriage ends because my body might not be attractive to my husband one day, and my parents email him in support and solidarity, expressing sympathy, and I’m not surprised.

I’m 22, and standing up for who I am has cost me everything. A spouse, two sets of parents, financial security, a city’s worth of community, more childhood friends than I can count. My parents tell me to go back in the closet so my ex-husband will love me. To them, his frustration is understandable, of course—by presenting androgynously, I’m betraying my marriage vows, after all.

I wonder, stunned into silence, where I promised to look like a woman.

I’m 23 when I come out to my parents for the third time; not as bisexual, not as trans, but as hurt. 

I lay out the pain of the last decade as succinctly as I can, hoping they’ll hear. When I assert that yes, to be in relationship with me, use of my name and pronouns is a requirement, my mother jokes, “Well, we don’t negotiate with terrorists.”

It’s not a joke.

I see the flash in her eyes, the instant regret as she laughs it off like it’s funny, but it isn’t.

The kid sitting at the dinner table knows it’s not a joke. The kid who listened to countless lectures on the morality of queerness knows it’s not a joke. The kid who stood with shaking hands and tried to bleed out the bad knows it’s not a joke. Years of casual bigotry taught me how to hate myself, which parts of myself I should cross out and ignore, which parts of myself I should be ashamed of.

I’m 23, and I have finally unlearned shame, and when I ask my parents to see me, the joke is that I’m a terrorist. I’m unreasonable.

The shock of it becomes a balm, later on.

Some jokes aren’t funny.

Some jokes aren’t jokes at all.

I’m 24 and I’m learning that it’s scary to be alone. Bigotry made me an orphan and made us strangers, and knowing that it’s the right choice to stand up for myself doesn’t make it any easier. I’m learning the only way out is through, if you’re not squeamish:

Cut off the part of yourself that’s 7 years old standing outside of their bedroom because the nightmare had teeth and claws and they are the heroes that will hold you close and make it warm again.

Amputate.

Cauterize.

Don’t let them see you bleed.

I’m learning that the wound takes a long, long time to close.

I’m 25 as I write this, and I am proud of who I am, even if I’m still bleeding. All of who I am. It’s taken a long time for me to let that person see the sun, but here we are, basking in the glow. Those wounds are healing. I am visible for everyone else who whispers, “So am I.”

Your sunshine will come. Your sunshine will come. 

Your sunshine will come.

[our-lesboy-experience]

hiii!!! so uh, this is sorta about 'contradicting' (?) identities in general, but i only recently found out about, like, lesboys and gaygirls and all of that, but what is it exactly? like how does it work? or is that weird to ask? i'm trying figuring myself out but a lot of stuff i've seen doesn't exactly... explain it (or explain it well), and while i guess i do get why, it's just kinda hard to understand it myself for my own identity

also, probably a question you get a lot in a hating way, but isn't the definition of lesbian nonman loving nonman? so then how does lesboy work? like is it for people with more complicated gender identites, like fluctuating genders and bigender? just genuinly confused, my apologies...

sorry for not getting to this sooner- been busier lately and didn't have the time to collect everything I needed to respond!

About what it exactly means to be a lesboy or a gaygirl ('turigirl' is the more common term, 'turi' meaning turian, another word for gay attraction to men. so I'll be referring to it as that from now on), there isn't exactly....one right way to call yourself such. it really depends on the person, but I can give you a basic definition and a list of common reasons someone may call themselves such

im gonna put a read more because this ended up being super long so sorry

lesboy is a term for any lesbian who may have a connection to manhood and/or masculinity. turigirl is just the opposite of that, a gay person (mlm/nblm) who may have a connection to womanhood and/or femininity. common reasons I've seen are:

being multigender or genderfluid

being cusper/in between trans and cis gnc (in between trans man and cis gnc woman, in between trans woman and cis gnc man)

being a system who uses lesboy/turigirl as a collective identity or when identities blur together

a person who uses man/boy or woman/girl as a means of masculine or feminine gender expression but not actually identifying as such

being a trans man/ftm or a trans woman/mtf who still identifies as lesbian or gay for personal reasons

those are far from all the reasons, everyone has their own unique experiences, but the gist is these people may have some sort of connection to manhood/womanhood while still having a queer attraction. personally, I'm multigender, genderfluid, and transmasc. lesboy I find is a nice label to express being both my bigender self and being a lesbian, as it forces people to acknowledge both without separating the two. it's cute and makes me feel validated!

as for "nonman attracted to nonmen" definition of lesbian......it has its issues. it's received criticism all around from all sorts of lesbians in the community. this definition is very new - it emerged only in the recent years, and someone on twitter had date searched it and found it didn't even really exist before 2019. and having that as the one and only official definition that every lesbian has to abide by, when lesbian is a centuries old word with so much history behind it, is a bit ignorant. people who are multiple genders or ftm or bi being lesbian is not even remotely new, going back decades upon decades, and it never stopped existing too. It's a bit weird to have a whole new definition that doesn't include all sorts of lesbians that have been here for so long and just tell them they're not welcomed anymore, right?

that's not even close to the only issue there is with it. it's been disliked for centering lack of attraction to men, or defining lesbian in relation to men, rather than who we're actually attracted to. putting nonbinary people in a new binary of either being "men or nonmen," which not all feel comfortable putting themselves into. especially when considering a definition of gay being "nonwomen attracted to nonwomen," man-woman bigender people are simultaneously excluded from being both lesbian or gay. It inherently overlaps with mspec identity ("attraction to nonmen, which is more than one gender" and "any orientation that involves attraction to more than one gender" kinda obviously overlap), despite people insisting that a lesbian can never be mspec. people have found multiple loopholes in it, (which I can elaborate on if someone wants me to, for the sake of trying to make this as short as possible), and lastly, and term "nonman" (and nonwoman) were found to have existed before to describe the degendering of black people in society. this isn't the only source I've seen for this, but sadly I can't exactly find it (or find it without going back to that hellsite called twitter and I'm not doing that to myself)

oh and as the link points out, defining lesbian by these words also ends up excluding a lot of two-spirit people from ever identifying as lesbian, myself included. which is also really racist. I don't know how you're gonna end up excluding a whole cultural gender that's common for indigenous americans to describe themselves with and try to prove it somehow isn't racist, to be honest

and lastly, some surveys/polls have shown that the definition isn't the most widely accepted by lesbians as people make it out to be. there's this simple poll that someone posted asking how lesbians felt about the definition that received 1,529 responses, and 61.1% of voters said they disliked it. comments gave lots of reasons I've stated already. there was another survey put out that received 211 responses that for any lesbian who had a genderqueer or unique relationship with gender, and one of the questions asking opinions on the "nonmen loving nonmen" as a definition. the average among the group was slightly negative (average 2.838), and reported that the group who tended to feel the most positively about it didn't consider themselves to be trans, with the other positive leaning group considered themselves to be somewhat cis. the group that felt the most negatively sometimes considered themselves to be trans. and of the multigender participants, the average opinion was 2.255 (more negative than the overall average). When concluding, the original poster stated, "When divided by gender, the only groups to feel positive about this definition were "not trans" and "somewhat cis" participants. Multigender participants felt especially negative about this definition"

all of this shows that this definition isn't nearly the best for everyone who considers themselves a lesbian. I know it's been a way to include nonbinary people who are lesbian in it's definition, but I think it really misunderstands why nonbinary people are included in lesbianism in the first place, and just assumes that all nonbinary people aren't men and fails to recognize that multigender/genderfluid people are nonbinary too. and it's not like lesbian has to only have on definition- it can definitely have multiple and depend on each person's experience with it. if someone personally defines them being lesbian around being a nonman attracted to nonmen, and takes pride in not being attracted to men, that's totally fine. what becomes a problem is forcing all lesbians to define themselves like this and make it the standard, or else they're "not real lesbians." it is ahistorical and ignorant to require this or else you'll strip them of their lesbian status, and is really at the end of the day, lesbophobic. especially as a requirement that primarily exists in online spaces. im sure the lesbian who is not at all connected to these circles doesn't particularly care about strict requirements or whether someone is a "nonman" or not. in conclusion, it is not the best nor most accepted definition of lesbian, and deciding which lesbians are valid or not based solely on that definition is pretty exclusionary and ends up policing a lot of lesbians, myself included

[andiv3r]

The absolute craziest and most strangely gender affirming shit happened to me at lunch today, therefore I must share with all of my Tumblr mutuals and the randos who see this. Read more if you want. T

he TL;DR is that some people at lunch were trying to figure out my gender, ⅘ of them recognized I was a guy but one of them was being stubborn and it ended up with lots of really affirming statements about my appearance being made in passing as they tried to explain to the 1 person who thought I was a girl why I did not look like a girl at all and she was wrong.

So, I draw at lunch. It's the only time during the day I get to draw without my teachers getting irritated. Today at lunch, I sat next to a group of 5 girls, none of whom I've met before, who were talking about... something. And then one of them turned over to see what I was drawing and whispered to a friend, "woah, look what he's drawing!"

Okay. Cool. First time in a while I've been correctly gendered without having to specifically request it. Then the girl she whispered to said quietly, "erm... wait, I think that's a girl." Oh, well shit. Guess they're all probably gonna start commenting on me and decide that I'm not a guy, right?

Wrong.

All four other girls just turned to her and went, "What... what? What do you mean? He doesn't even remotely look like a girl!" Just totally bashing her statement, it was awesome.

Then she said, "But... it (yes, she referred to me as "it" the whole time, but I'm good with it/its so that was just sort of amusing) looks like it has... y'know." And gestured to her chest (at this point I'm not sure how the fuck they didn't realize I was listening in, or if they did they obviously didn't give a shit, because I looked straight at her). And the entire rest of the table was just like "Okay?? Hes chubby what about it?"

Finally, trying to settle it I guess, one of the girls turned to me and asked what my name was, and I said Andy (which is the name I use to introduce myself with most of the time, Andiver is a bit hard to explain), and she turned to the one who thought I was a girl and said, "See? Andy. He's a boy. Told you."

The girl snorted and said, "Uh, that can be a girl name. I still think it's a girl."

And finally, one girl turned to me and said, "Hey, you're not a girl, right?" And I frowned and, in the deepest voice I could muster (pretty deep, sounded really masc & im proud) said "No??" Like that was the most ridiculous thing I'd ever heard, and she whipped back around to her friend and said, "See, I told you! I mean just look at him, he's got sideburns and a mustache!" And I almost melted on the spot, because I didn't even realize that my facial hair was really noticeable but I'm so fucking happy it is. And then they all asked to see my drawing (an aziracrow sketch I'll show when I finish a lil more of it) and they liked it. And that was just. So silly. Loved that.

[initforthelolzz]

I know that this discussion has been made countless times at this point, but I might as well make it again.

Anyone who calls Yamato a woman doesn’t understand his character, there, I said it.

I recently stumbled across that side of the one piece fandom. As in, the side that gets violent over Yamato’s gender identity. I recently had the unfortunate privilege of stumbling across an entire YouTube comment section ranting and unanimously agreeing that Yamato is a woman and cussing out all the people who “head-cannon” him as a man.

Whelp. It’s rant time again.

For starters, I accept Yamato as a man. A trans man that doesn’t necessarily pass, but has a respected gender identity by all he associates with (as far as I’ve watched).

I have multiple trans friends and family members in my life, and as an LGBT individual myself any and all representation is a breath of fresh air. Especially in shonen anime, which is the sole form of media that I consume at this point.

I’ve already made my rant about the queer rep in Impel Down, and it’s about time I spun my spiel about the upsetting discourse over Yamato and his gender identity. Because that’s exactly what it is, upsetting.

When Yamato was first introduced he wore a mask and baggy clothing, he didn’t speak and was mysteriously called nothing other than “Kaido’s son.” He was hyped up for episodes on end before he finally joined the plot, and finally spoke. In the distinct voice of a woman.

Clearly, any and all gender norms have been obliterated at this point.

When Yamato finally took his mask off and declared himself Kozuki Oden, Luffy reacted how all of us did:

It’s exactly what all of us were thinking, right? How can that be Kaido’s son?

Then of course Yamato responds with this:

And we have our answer. Yamato is a trans man, and the entire Beast Pirates crew respects that. It’s incredible, isn’t it? I was blown away, you should have heard me squealing, it was ridiculous.

Luffy was a dick about it initially, but from the moment Yamato declared himself a man Luffy referred to him by his preferred pronouns for the rest of the arc.

“You can trust him.” “He’s going to help you.”

(Paraphrased. Didn’t dig up a screen shot cause I’m lazy. Took place when Luffy left Yamato with Momo and Shinobu on his way to the roof.)

Conversation over, right?! Wrong!!

Cause some people don’t like that. They see huge tits and refuse to accept this character as anything but a woman.

It doesn’t matter that Yamato is referred to using he/him pronouns by literally everyone, it doesn’t matter that Kaido consistently calls him his son, and it certainly doesn’t matter that Yamato personally declares himself a man.

They say that Yamato is biologically female; “it says it on the vivre card!” “A manga panel calls her Kaido’s daughter!” All things I found in that comment section, repeated again and again. Of course there’s the color spread covered in big boobs and bikinis, and that’s obviously proof that Yamato is a woman like all the rest. Because all of the color spreads happened in the cannon story and must be taken as hard fact.

I mean clearly.

Canon, 100%.

No question.

“Cause Oda literally said it himself…” right? Yeah. Sure. I’ll believe it when I see an SBS or a quote from the man himself.

I understand where they’re coming from, I really do. Yeah, Yamato looks like a woman. Yeah, boobs exist. Yeah, both voice actors are female.

But all of this evidence is strictly surface level, and these people ignore the personality of the character they claim to defend on top of the way they interact with other characters in the series.

They say that Yamato only looks up to Oden, that he’s not really a trans man, he’s just “larping.” Playing pretend.

They claim to be defending Yamato’s identity. They claim that those who call him a man are trying to “steal” the character and “gender her.” Yet… doesn’t their entire argument revolve around gendering that exact character?

By that logic, who gendered the character in the first place? I dunno, maybe the guy who’s wrote the dialogue? I mean maybe???

At the end of the day I can get ticked off all I want, but people will think what that think and all I can do is try not to let it affect me. However…I know transphobia when I see it. I see transphobic discourse within my own family. I know what that shit looks like. Refusal to respect pronouns. “Well you don’t look male.” “You were born female.” “It’s all just a phase, they’re confused.”

Sound familiar?

People can believe what that like, but it doesn’t mean that what they believe is right. It’s upsetting to see this argument so often. It’s all over the fandom, there’s no way to avoid it.

People claim to be defending the gender of this character, they act as if Yamato is being attacked by the evil gays who will stop at nothing to turn everyone trans. I’m not joking, that’s literally how they worded in that battlefield of a comment section.

Yamato’s gender expression is confusing, we know. That’s the point! Oda said fuck gender conformity all the way back in Alabasta, and he isn’t stopping now. What we see in Yamato is trans representation, but not a clean rep like Kiku, we have a man who doesn’t pass. Guess what? Not all trans people pass! That doesn’t make them any less trans, and your black and white perception of their gender doesn’t debunk their identity.

I genuinely don’t understand why there has to be so much discourse over this topic. Like you’re literally arguing with Luffy himself at this point. 😔🙄

[dix0nvix3n]

➳જ⁀➴ 𝕯𝖆𝖌𝖌𝖊𝖗'𝖘 𝖇𝖑𝖔𝖌 ⟡

₊˚✩ ₊˚ 𝔱𝔥𝔢𝔶/𝔥𝔢/𝔰𝔥𝔢 | 21 | 𝔈𝔑𝔉𝔓 | 𝔮𝔲𝔢𝔢𝔯 𝔞𝔫𝔡 𝔤𝔢𝔫𝔡𝔢𝔯𝔣𝔩𝔲𝔦𝔡 | 𝔞𝔲𝔡𝔥𝔡 𝔠𝔯𝔢𝔞𝔱𝔲𝔯𝔢 ₊˚✩ ₊˚

⭑✧˖°𖤓 Hi!! On this account I would prefer to be called Dagger as I would not like to reveal my real name here. I write X Reader fics for Daryl Dixon from The Walking Dead and Scud from Blade 2. I'm completely new to writing so please be gentle lol. 𖤓°˖✧⭑

𝔊𝔢𝔫𝔢𝔯𝔞𝔩

⛥ 18+ to interact with me and my NSFW work, NSFW will always be marked as 18+, those works will say mdni but if you are a minor and do end up reading those fics, remember that I am not responsible for your media consumption.

⛥ Although I'm genderfluid I feel the most comfortable writing the reader as afab with she/her pronouns, I may potentially write gender neutral reader fics though. These things aside, anyone of any identity is of course allowed to read my work.

⛥ My fics will always come with a warning description of some kind and if I ever miss something you think should be in the warning, please let me know!

⛥ As I said I currently only write for Daryl Dixon from The Walking Dead and Scud Frohmeyer from Blade 2, I hope to branch out to more Norman Reedus characters and maybe characters not played by him someday but I'm completely new to writing and really only know how to write for them so far.

⛥ Please note that I have severe anxiety when it comes to interacting with anything online which makes it very hard for me to reply to comments and comment on things, repost, and I often will love a fic and not even like the post because I get so in my head thinking that person will think of my interaction as weird. I know this probably doesn't make sense to a lot of people but please try and understand, I am currently trying to work on this but please know It's gonna take me a very long time.

ℜ𝔢𝔮𝔲𝔢𝔰𝔱𝔰

⛥ I currently don't take requests because they seem a bit overwhelming for me at this time being but you can send me any thoughts and ideas you have about Daryl and Scud (some other Norman characters too! I have lots of thoughts about other characters Norman has played I just don't know how to write for them yet!) and I will try and give you my thoughts and ideas back!

ℑ𝔫𝔣𝔬

⛥ Masterlist: Will be made at some point!!

⛥ Fics:

Stoner Daryl x Stoner Reader 18+ ✶❀

COMING SOON

Daryl x Reader Alexandria Christmas One-Shot ❀ COMING SOON

Scud X Reader Blade's Lair 18+ One-Shot ✶❀

COMING SOON

✶- Smut | ✧- Suggestive ❀-Fluff | ☽-Angst

𝔉𝔞𝔠𝔱𝔰 𝔄𝔟𝔬𝔲𝔱 𝔐𝔢

⛥ I'm Autistic and have ADHD, PTSD, Depression, Anxiety, probably several other problems I'm not aware of myself yet lmao, and I am also Anemic.

⛥ I've been to at least 15 concerts but need to recount actually how many, including 3 Warped Tours, so sorry to anyone who never got to go they were truly such unique experiences.

⛥ I have 7 piercings but have been pierced 8 times, fucked up my first eyebrow piercing lol. In order I got a septum, right eyebrow, daith, bridge, two helixes in one day, a conch and also my right eyebrow repierced on the same day. Also all the ear piercings are on my right ear cause I used to have the right side of my head shaved and an undercut so my left ear was never visible but with my new haircut,,, I really need some for the left ear.

⛥ Also, the conch jewelery is my only special piece of jewelery I have and I got it in memory of two things. The conch piece is a titanium dagger with a simple little jewel in the middle, when I saw it I immediately thought of Daryl and his big knives/daggers and also a reference to the band Witchdagger from Night In The Woods, a game that fundamentally helped me grow as a person.

⛥ The reason I changed my hair from the side shave was so I could actually grow it out and cut it to Scud's hairstyle, that fucker is soooo gender.

⛥ I don't know much about my zodiac signs but I'm a Cancer Sun, Scorpio Moon, Capricorn Rising.

⛥ My favorite fruits are peaches, oranges, and raspberries.

⛥ I edit occasionally when I have the mental energy which is rare but I post them @ daryldixonvixen on tiktok if anyone is interested, will possibly start posting my edits on instagram too :)

⛥ and uhhhh I'll keep adding to these when I think of more

And here's what the conch piercing looks like if anyone wanted to see it :]

[aurorawest]

I finished The Mars House last night and have been trying to gather my thoughts beyond ADJFAWEHDHA; and AHHHHHHHH. Let's see how this works out.

In a lot of ways this is a pretty typical Natasha Pulley book, which makes you love complicated people who have done bad things, possibly for good reasons and possibly not. The love interest is to all appearances a xenophobic nationalist, but you better believe I loved Gale pretty much immediately.

In other ways this book is different from her past work—obviously there's the far future setting, but it's pretty clear that Pulley wanted to Say Something about gender with The Mars House. This book is a response to and shots fired at the terf ideology and it is not at all subtle about it. And of course, it's a Natasha Pulley book, so there's still empathy for the far-future Martian terfs.

So I would definitely call it the most...political? of her books, which for me was not at all a bad thing. It has everything that I love about Pulley novels—her gorgeous use of language, her ability to wring beauty and pathos out of the small and ordinary, the gay pining, the morally dubious main characters. I've seen reviews say both that the science is ridiculous and that the book is hard science fiction, and I would come down on the side of the science probably being a bit ridiculous, since it's definitely not hard science fiction (lol at the reviewers who are throwing that term around and not knowing what it means). I actually have no idea if the science is plausible or not and I honestly don't care, because that's really not the point of the book.

Anyway, now I'm just going to list things. Doing a read more for spoilers! And I'm not joking, I'm going to spoil the whole book under here so really, if you haven't read it and you care about that, don't keep reading.

The worldbuilding was so good. I mean, this is one of Pulley's strengths, but I had wondered how it would stack up in a sci fi novel versus her historical fiction. As usual, everything was so visceral and textured. Tharsis and Songshu feel like real places I could visit.

THE MAMMOTHS OMG OMG. When they decided to ask the mammoths for help pulling up the gravity train, I almost jumped up from the couch yelling (I would have, but I couldn't disturb my cat who was on my legs). The entire idea of communicating with mammoths and studying mammoth society almost made me cry. Having spent even a tiny amount of time around elephants in the wild, all of that rang 100% plausible. And true in my heart.

I need a sequel where River and January go to Alpha Centauri to talk to the aliens that the Penglai mission is going to find there.

I'M ABOUT TO SPOIL THE ENTIRE BOOK SO DON'T READ ANYMORE IF YOU DON'T WANT THAT.

Speaking of River, yeah I guessed that "Aubrey" was actually River. The clues were well done and I felt smug when I was right.

But!! I actually thought River knew more than they did! A literal chill went up my back when River revealed they had NO IDEA AUBREY WAS LITERALLY IN THEIR ROOM WITH THEM.

The scene in River's bathtub had me screaming crying throwing up.

Is Natasha Pulley working through something re: waifish orphans? I knew Yuan was going to end up being adopted into House Song within pages of their (his?) introduction.

I love that we never find out if River is biologically male or female. I love that January says it doesn't matter and he means that and never tells us.

Speaking of gender abolition, can I have that please for myself.

All of the animals were, as always, a delight. Shoutout to the puffin at the beginning who we never see again, as well as Shuppiluliuma in her basket.

The ancient Mediterranean references littered through this book (see above) were also a delight.

When you think about it, both of Aubrey's consorts fell for River, and that's funny.

The flashes of love between River and Aubrey were devastating.

The haptic implants are a dystopian nightmare and absolutely a realistic prediction of where we're going to end up.

Mori and Daughter!!

[hesitantvampirealien]

notifications disabled for this post. Send me any potential corrections through the asks or private messages.

I know i said I wouldn't do public angry rants anymore, but this is a nevessary rant. I ask you to read the entire text before interacting with the post (obviously)

stop misgendering gerard on purpose

you know very well what kind of person you sound like when you do that.

it's just lowkey comical (if not enraging) how some refer to them with the one pronoun they don't use, as far as I'm aware at least, but I've never seen anyone say they used all, only he/they, if I'm wrong you can tell me (but I'll need a RELIABLE source to what you say to make sure you're not just making shit up to have the right to disrespect someone without being rightfully scolded), so using "she" just makes you incredibly disrespectful. Like... you think a he/they can't wear a dress? you think a he/they can't show femininity? you think a he/they isn't allowed to not look like a straight cis guy all the time? You think just because someone doesn't use a male label then they automatically must be female and can't just be neither, or use no labels at all? You think a person can't be happy showing fenininity if they're not a woman? you think that's not possible? you think that's WRONG, perhaps? because THAT is what you sound like. Not only to me, but to many people that I've seen complaining inumerous times about this INSANE disrespect

following the same logic, do you think, for example, because I'm wearing makeup in most of my photos and don't fit in one particular binary gender, i don't have your permission to be a he/him and i have to be what YOU say i should be? because that's what you sound like when you do that

and i can already tell someone's gonna be butthurt and tell me I'm exaggerating so they don't have to feel shame for being a disrespectful little bitch. Gerard is a person, not a fucking character you can headcanon things about.

Not to mention that this kind of disrespect is one of the reasons why some masc or neutral trans people also feel extremely unsafe wanting to use or do things considered feminine, because look at how you're fucking treating a person that you don't even actually know. It's not 100% correlated (well... it is, a little bit) but don't even get me started on the shit my masc or neutral fellas have to go through because of people who very obviously also love to give them a hard time just because they don't fit in your "preferred gender label" and make them feel like shit for existing because you keep throwing them in the same pit as cishet men who fuck things up and say all of them are the same (newsflash, you're being just as oppressive as the cishet men). Like, I'm sorry (I'm not sorry) but most of you, if not all of you, are those exact same people, who do the exact same things and behave the same way, you're just doing it in different intensities. Just go fuck yourself already, seriously. I genuinely mean it with all my heart.

if I'm wrong about the he/they, do tell me and show me the reliable source so i can be sure that I'm actually wrong and can correct myself properly, but I'll most likely keep the post up since i also brought up another issue regarding this kind of disrespect.

[genderqueerdykes]

I really appreciate your posts and would like to ask about something. I live in a country which language is heavily 'grammaticaly gendered' (every verb etc. has masculine and feminine form) which means I'm always aware that people misgender me (I'm not out and now I can't change it). I should find a job because it'd be a first step towards my transition but I'm anxious. When I was studying it was possible to talk to people as little as possible and be mostly alone. As sad as it sounds, I prefered being alone than making fake friends, enduring misgendering etc. But I know that at work I couldn't barely talk to anyone. Apart from talking about work, some people also want to chat during breaks, or talk about their private life etc. I'm worried because I know that more socialising will make my dysphoria worse and will negatively impact my mental health. I don't know how to navigate this situation and I don't have any 'safe space' where I can be out.

i've studied a few languages that have heavily gendered language- i studied german for a while in college and i was very taken aback by the gender structure within the language (which is even more complicated in german because there is also a neuter (neutral) gender as well). it leads to very confusing situations where one must remember the gendered particles to go along with the gendered nouns and it can be very uncomfortable at times when you're trans, gnc or even when you're cis

i actually understand what you mean about feeling like you'd rather have no friends than friends who will purposefully misgender you and not respect your identity. that's where i'm at right now. i was living with some EXTREMELY transandrophobic people for quite a while and it made me not want to be as willing to make friends unless i know for sure that person is not going to be awful about transmascs and trans men. i've met so many people who think i'm super cool and then i'll be sitting there having a conversation with them and they will go off about how horrible transmascs and trans men are, i will encounter gay men who complain about how vaginas and breasts are gross and they'd never like them because they're gay, i encounter a lot of people who get nervous when they find out someone is on testosterone and begin to judge- there can be a lot of issues when it comes to someone else's internalized prejudiced when you are just trying to live your life

there are many people who understand your struggle about not being able to be safely out and yourself. i am very fortunate to be able to be out in my IRL life, I know many, many people do not have this privilege. it's definitely very hard to not be able to find someone in your local community, safely, to be yourself around. this may not yield much, but it may be worth seeing if there are any online groups for queer people in your area (Facebook groups, instagram communities, and so on). i know it's not the same as going somewhere irl, but it can be helpful. if this is also not an option, i'm very sorry

i know it's hard to get a job when you know you won't be referred to correctly. it bothered me a lot when i was working my first job. people would be very defensive about my own gender and get upset when i referred to myself as a guy. i would get aggressively she/her'd whenever i would express my masculinity. i would have people insisting that i'm a woman at all times even though i knew who i was on the inside. my gender became a point of focus for a lot of my customers and it was exhausting

i would say if you genuinely need to collect your wits and preserve your mental health, forcing yourself to socialize right away may not be a good idea. it may be a good idea to try to find ways to be yourself in your personal time, when you are alone. whether that includes talking to online queer friends/groups, or dressing/acting/behaving the way you want to when you are completely alone, it's a start. i would be curious to see if anyone who is in a situation similar to this anon would be able to lend some advice.

please let us know if you have any tips for this anon. i hope you are able to feel a bit more like yourself soon. i'm sorry that things are so tough for you right now. best of luck, take care of yourself for now. feel free to ask any more questions you may have

[tothechaos]

This may be a weird question, but I gotta find some solid ground with this. So I am an NB Lesbian, go by they/them and all that. But lately, I've been thinking hard on he/they and rolling the thought of myself leaning into that binary. However, it frightens me. I feel like the rest of my identity (being the Lesb. Stuff) wouldn't be something I tie into... but then where would I go, and would I even know what to call myself? Because at the same time the thought of being referred to as he/him makes me slightly smile, but I also feel scared at the thought of being completely that side so I would assume the comfort level would be at he/they. But even then, I am scared of what I'd be. Mayhaps it's the unknown

Anyway sorry this is a lot of text 😭 a lot on me mind

its a little funny that you ask me of all people this. or maybe not funny, but ironic.

i was once a butch lesbian. long time ago. nowadays im a gay man, self described pansy and generally kind of effeminate dude. but im still a man.

when i was a quite young teenager, i spent months rolling around different gender identities. various flavors of nonbinary, different sets of pronouns. none of them felt right, none of them clicked. ultimately, the reason i wasnt happy with any of those identities or pronouns was because i ended up just being... a guy! i would never have gotten comfortable enough with my own masculinity to realize my maleness if it hadnt been for that period of time i identified with butchness.

i guess what im trying to say is that in order to become the fullest version of yourself (fullest, not best or most accurate, just the one that makes you the happiest), sometimes you have to try out many different things and see what sticks and what doesnt. if you think that using he/they would make you happy, then try using he/they! try using he/him! get familiar with yourself. test out a binary, then break it. if you dont know what labels to use to refer to yourself, make new labels. or dont use any. or use many. you are not betraying your past self by deciding youve changed how you feel.

becoming yourself can be scary. realizing the truth of yourself can be scary, and isolating, and confusing. it is also one of the greatest things to ever happen to you. we can be brave together

[beating-a-dead-plot]

Please Read If You Live In The USA

Hi! My name isn't actually Petunia, it's just a nickname, and I used it so I could maintain some level of anonymity on here and protect myself from shame and awkwardness. That is no longer an option to me.

I live in New York state, not the big city, a different region. If you are female, non-binary, or transgender and over the age of 18, living in a state that isn't so fun as mine, maybe you could come visit me? Maybe you finally decided that your random internet bestie should be your real life bestie and you just have to meet each other! After all, good friends are so hard to find these days! I live with family currently, so you would have to find a place to stay for your visit, but I would just love to finally get to meet you!

I mean, we could check out Niagara Falls, it's basically in my backyard, or we could take a little food tour of Western New York! If money is going to be tight, maybe it'll be on me if I'm in a decent spot with money, but if we're just two broke idiots, well, public parks are always a great option to hang out in, or we could hole up in your staying place and have some fun talking about all our favorite fandoms and characters! Also, we could take a little day trip to Canada, border's right there and and as long as you've got your documents and behave going through customs, it's fun! The butterfly conservatory is amazing, I bet you'd really love it! Think about how fun it could be to just have a little get-away with your internet bestie?

I don't care about my own embarrassment anymore, I will take being embarrassed for being a freak over not being at least offering to help people who need it right now. I'm nobody, I have like four mutuals and only one talks to me consistently (Which is my fault, NOT theirs, not playing the blame game here, not even close), but if someone needs a justifiable excuse to hang out in NY for a bit, send me a private message.

I don't care if we're mutuals or not, I don't care if you're even in the Star Wars fandom, I'll read up on something if you need me to. I can help with finding activities and resources in my area, I will gladly scope out the best hotels/motels/rentals in my area if you need me to.

Even if no one sees this post or takes me up on this, I just want to know, I tried. I tried to do something to keep people from being hurt when they shouldn't have to be. I'm currently a part-time college student and looking into getting applications in for jobs, but if you need help, if you need someone to be on your side when your own family isn't, come to me.

At this point, if you voted for the person hurting us? Still message me if you need help. I loathe your choice but I am not going to let you be hurt or worse because of it. Don't get me wrong, I am furious with those who voted him in, but if I let you suffer because of him, I would be no better than the hateful bigots on the other side from me.

And if immigration is what your goal is, I will gladly try to help you with Canadian immigration or coming to NY to explore your options. I will not help you cross with the intent to do so illegally, but a day-trip to check out Ontario? I will do it. I will not help with anything outright illegal, but if you need help and are willing to be close enough to legal not to get me arrested, I'm here.

There's this thing I saw people saying on social media "I could hate her more than anything in the world, and I still wouldn't leave her alone with that weird man at the party." You are now all in that first category, I don't care if you're a Trekie (I had to add humor, I'm losing it), you will never catch me leaving you alone at this party unless I am truly unable to, which would be if I'm arrested and/or dead.

Reach out if you need someone, there's none of you who should be left to the wolves now. <3

I am AFAB, cis-gender as far as everyone knows, I will now be referring to myself as straight but I used to go by bisexual as a label, and 23 years old. For more details, DM me and we can see what we need to do.

[meatsex]

hi im sorry if this is weird to ask and you definately dont have to answer, but how did you start transitioning? im sure its different outside the us, but i guess i mean like more how did you get the "courage" to ig? im just now in my early 20s and i want to start before its "too late", but im just worried abt so much shit surrouding it (family, my job, school, etc) and it stops me everytime i get close to trying to

im sorry, idk i just remeber seein your top surgery pics a while back and thought abt asking for a bit cause im kinda alone in this. its okay if you dont respond, ik this might be like a hard subject

hello, this isnt a weird question at all, especially if you find yourself in a situation where you feel alone about this matter.

before i begin, obviously none of the things i say are a guide or should be taken as exact reference, they are just my experience, precautions i took and things i realized/explored; this will also be LONG

i began transitioning around 2016 (i was 19-20 iirc), this is when i began to reconsider my gender and how i saw myself, i wasnt sure about my stance on myself so i used the label genderfluid as that was what felt right atm, i wasnt sure if i really wanted to be a guy or just felt like it every so often; back then i only confided this information to my then boyfriend

i began using a different name online, tried different clothing and also got my hair cut way short for the first time, basically tried and experienced, i was also used to crossplaying often (cosplaying male characters)

in 2018 i was fully set with the idea i wanted to be a man, id fully take on the role of one online and i had already told other friends i trusted about this

i stopped using the label of genderfluid by this time as well, i also tried binding a bit but it was complicated for me so it wasnt long lived but definitely helped in settling the idea of what i wanted

in 2020-2021 i came out to my parents, i tested the waters *a lot* first, i brought up topics like having transgender friends or similar too see how they would react, luckily they both did positively. after this i felt confident in telling everyone else irl

in 2022 i got my legal name change (the process in Argentina is basically a re-enacment of your birth certification with your preferred name and gender, i dont know if this is different or the same elsewhere), and in 2023 i got top surgery, the overall healing process was around 6 months, i did require aid for things like getting up from bed and eating

i was freshly 26 for my surgery by 2023, what im trying to say is for some people its something that could take a lot of time while others might find instantly this is their correct way to feel and be, but its also never too late or never too early and its also okay to change your mind and go back on how you felt, utimately its your decision to take

truthfully you will have to think and consider hard in which areas and with which people you feel safe sharing your gender, some people might not be open to the idea and depending on the circumstances it might not be worth the risk (like at a job or school) unless you have a backup plan to fall onto if it comes to a worst case scenario; i hid these things from my family for a lot of time (especially my internet-disconnected, right-leaning dad)

i think "closet" transitioning or just taking small steps that can be subtle to others is a good idea if you are still unsure about your situation and/or environment, in the sense of exploring ideas, terms, feelings, and with things like trying on different clothes or changing the way you present yourself in a smaller scale (like friends you trust or online presence)

i think its also important i was an adult by this time, therefore (as stupid as this sounds because it is) i had more credibility in the eyes of others to my emotions and how i felt, but this is something that depends and varies with the environment you are in and the people that surround you

ultimately it truly never is late or early, its okay if you try it and change your mind, no one is going to punish you for it and no one is entitled to how you feel about yourself other than you; i hope this helped in any way and if not feel free to ask again about more specific ideas or topics regarding this

[solitaryearthperson]

I'm Not A Hero

Summary: A mistake on a mission makes you question whether you're a hero and Bruce helps you.

(The reader is gender neutral and uses they/them pronouns. The ethnicity/race is preferably a person of color.)

The sounds of bombs going off and multiple people screaming out was hard to get out of my head, but I tried my hardest to do so. People yelling, crying, and praying in multiple languages was too much for my ears to take. People scattered across everywhere, some on the ground, some in dirt, some in crumbling buildings, bleeding from injuries too severe to heal from was too much for my eyes. I kept seeing them over and over. Even though it had been weeks, almost a month, I couldn't get it out of my head.

"Kid, it's okay. Don't listen to them." Tony patted me on the shoulder and told me this the day after, when it was all over the news.

Every news channel had the same headline: Avengers saves the day, but causes more lives lost. And every one of them had a video of me, the camera zooming in on my figure. They would all pause right at the time my powers went loose and the headlines would change to "Did the Avengers recruit a villain?"

"(Y/N), don't think about it. The news is making it worse than it really is." Natasha told me this when she visited my room the next day, finding me wrapped up in my blanket and watching the news play the video over and over, staring at the image of me on the screen causing so much damage.

"The death toll is in the hundreds now, while the number of injured has reached the thousands," the news caster said.

"Most of those people were already injured or dying before we even got there, (Y/N)," Clint told me, after Natasha left, disappointed that her consoling me didn't help. "You saved a lot of lives. So many people are walking around, breathing, and living because of you."

It didn't matter if that was true or not, it didn't matter that there were people who weren't injured, people who survived and could get back to their regular lives. To me, none of it mattered if the cost of this victory was hundreds, thousands, or even millions of people dying or getting hurt.

I thought I had myself under control. I thought I could handle it. This mission wasn't my first, but it was the first that so many people had died because of me being reckless and overconfident, forgetting the strength of my powers.

"Come to the party, (Y/N)," Steve urged me, with Natasha and Clint beside him. "It'll be fun and we'll see people who are honored and glad that you rescued them."

The party they're referring to is some party/award ceremony being thrown by half the government and half Tony Stark for rescuing so many people. We'll receive awards, and be honored as absolute heroes of the country. I had informed them a few days before that I didn't want to go and instead I would rather stay in my room binge-watch TV, but they insisted, to the point that Nat threatened to kidnap me from my room and force me to attend.

~

"(Y/N)!"

"(Y/N)!"

"(Y/N)!"

Flashes of cameras and reporters calling my name was quite an overwhelming thing that I haven't gotten used to since being on the team. The others told me that it takes time, but if it ever gets too much, it's alright to duck out when I get a chance, and right now, that's exactly how I was feeling.

So many people yelling my name asking what designer I was wearing, what diet I was on, how often did I train, and other questions were still strange to me.

"(Y/N), can you show us some of your powers?"

The question caught me off guard, but I tried to not let it show and responded with a polite smile and said, "Um, maybe some other time. I will give you a great show then." I was fine until I heard the next question.

"Is it because of your last mission?"

The question made me freeze, and I looked around to find if any of the others were around to help me, but suddenly I couldn't find any of them near me. It was like they had suddenly disappeared.

"What do you have to say about the death toll now reaching 1,000?"

"What?" I asked, feeling my heart beat speed up. I hadn't heard about the deaths getting that high.

"Sources say that you have no control over your powers. Is that true?"

"I-I,...um," I didn't know what to say, my tongue suddenly felt numb and I could feel all the hair on my body stand up.

"Why did the Avengers recruit you if you don't have control over yourself?"

"How can the public trust you?"

I wanted to tell them that it was an accident, that it was one slip-up that will never happen again, but I couldn't make myself do it.

"(Y/N)!"

I recognized the voice but I didn't bother looking to see where and who it came from. Before I could hear another question, I quickly walked away from the reporters and left the room. I didn't know where I was going, only that I needed to get as far away from the party as possible.

Before I knew it, I was opening the door of a nearby hallway closet and ran inside, slamming it shut behind me. Not hearing any footsteps behind me, I took a deep breath and stood against the wall, trying to calm my mind and forget the questions, but it was too hard. How did I not know the death toll rose that high? How could I lose control like that? Why did I lose control? Will it happen again?

I could feel my heart beating hard inside me, like it wanted to escape my body, and I could hear it loud in my ears like drums. Why did I come here? I shouldn't have come here! I don't need to be here! I'm not a hero!

I can't breathe! I tried to catch my breath, tried to breathe deeply again, but for some reason I couldn't. The questions from before were now screaming in my head and the images of my blurry figure on the news kept flashing through my mind. I shouldn't be here! I'm not a hero!

"(Y/N)," I heard a voice suddenly say my name through all the noise. I hadn't even realized that I had closed my eyes and I opened them to see Bruce standing before me, closing the closet door, and looking at me with a look of concern on his face.

"Bruce," I asked, trying to breathe, but still failing. "What're you doing here?"

"I saw you rush out and followed you. Are you okay?" He stepped toward me and grabbed me by my shoulders, squeezing them comfortingly.

"I can't breathe," I told him, feeling tears that I had been holding in for the longest begin to run down my face. "I can't be here."

"Hey everything's okay," he tried to tell me.

"I can't go out there! I can't answer any questions! I shouldn't be here after what I did!"

"(Y/N)," his voice was more stern and when I looked into his eyes, I saw nothing but kindness. "Do what I say. Okay?"

I quickly nodded my head.

"Count with me. 1...2...3... Inhale...4...5...6 exhale."

I nodded my head again and looked at him while doing it. "1...2...3," I looked at him before inhaling, seeing him nod, then continued, "4...5...6," then I exhaled slowly.

"Good. Do it again."

We continued to do this for a couple more minutes. He was patient and counted along with me, then inhaled and exhaled with me too. Each time we did it, I began to breathe easier, and my heart beat began to slow down, but the questions and memories of the mission and the video on the news kept running through my mind over and over again. When he finally saw my breathing become normal, that's when he chose to ask the question that I was dreading to hear him ask.

"Why are you in here?"

"I couldn't take being out there anymore. I had to get away."

"Why? What did they ask you?"

Another question I was dreading to hear, but I tried to suck up as much courage and answer him honestly. "They asked about my powers, and what happened on the mission, and," I could hear my voice begin to tremble, but I ignored it and continued speaking, "They told me about the deaths...that it's in the thousands now."

A look of recognition came over his face and he wrapped an arm around me and pulled me into a hug that I was not expecting, but greatfully accepted. Bruce was more shy than everyone else and kept his distance from the others, so this absolutely surprised me.

"I know how you feel, (Y/N)."

"You do?"

"Yeah," he replied with a little laugh. "The hulk had done some damage in the past. For good and bad."

Oh yeah. I had forgotten about the things the hulk has done. So many people are fans of the Avengers now, including Bruce, that I briefly forgot about the damage to New York.

"What do you mean 'you shouldn't be here', (Y/N)?"

Pulling away, I sniffed, and quickly wiped away the tears from my face before answering him, "The others wanted me to come, but I don't think I should be here. I don't feel like a hero. I feel like a-"

"Monster," he finished for me, making me smile a little. "The others don't have powers like ours. We make a small mistake, it can have big consequences."

"How do you deal with it? The death. Destruction. I don't feel like a hero anymore. I feel like a fraud."

"No matter how much that voice in your head tells you differently, you're a hero. You can't save everyone, all the time. There's gonna be lots of victories, but some sadness as well. Try to find ways to distract yourself. "

"How?"

He sighed loudly before replying, "Meditation, yoga, reading, maybe sports. Try to find a hobby that you know will quickly distract you and make you not think for a while."

As Bruce spoke, I couldn't help but be really moved and quite sad. I've never really interacted with him outside of the usual mission, and sometimes forgot he was there. This whole time I never thought about how he has gone through the same thing as I have and more. Realizing this also made me feel a little sympathy as well as I realize that not only has he gone through this before, but he's also had to cope with everything I'm feeling before, only he had to cope by himself.

"So do you wanna try going back out there or stay here a little longer?"

Just the thought of going back out there and knowing that there's a possibility that I'll have to answer anymore questions made me feel sick, so I quickly shook my head.

"I wanna stay here." He nodded his head in understanding and before he could turn, I asked, "Could you stay and keep me company? You don't have to if you don't wanna."

"Sure," he said, then took out his phone and moved to sit on the floor. He looked up at me and patted the spot next to him. "You wanna watch some Netflix till the party's over?"

I smiled and happily sat down next to him, ready to watch whatever just as long as I didn't go back out there.

"What do you think of 'The Witcher'?"

"My favorite," I told him, scooting closer to look down at the phone.

Who knew that me and Dr. Banner had so much in common with each other?!

[idontwanttospoiltheparty]

On the poll, I agree with you and I'm glad someone said it. Maybe its the inner skeptic in me but if you can't get to a take on J+P without unconfirmed song lyric interpretation then the take is weak. It's annoying as well because even without combing through ambiguous lyrics there's still good evidence of an overwhelming (potentially romantic) love on John's part as well as an overwhelming love on Paul's part (just because the evidence leans to it being platonic doesn't make it lesser gah). Their dynamic was crazy insane enough without having to add fantasy onto it.

oh man. the amount I agree with you right now. Especially this part: "if you can't get to a take on J+P without unconfirmed song lyric interpretation then the take is weak"

Which doesn't mean it's false, per se.

I actually think you can build an incredibly shaky case from Paul's side, based on the few times he talked about his relationship to John like a marriage. To be clear: I think there's essentially platonic reasons to invoke that image because of the way society doesn't exactly make space or have terms for very high-commitment platonic bonds like John and Paul potentially had. But taking the comments more or less at face value is valid as well.

Evidence for sexuality overall plays a role here. You can make an incredibly strong case that John was meaningfully attracted to men while completely taking Paul out of the equation. This fact makes taking his romantically-tinged but overall ambiguous statements about Paul in an explicitly romantic way feel less presumptuous. On the other hand, there is extremely little evidence for Paul not being straight outside certain things he said about John – whether that's because he is in fact straight or because he's kept it to himself all these years, I don't know, but not taking his word for it when nothing major indicates he's lying/in denial just feels kind of contrarian at best and rude at worst.* Thus, I have little reason, in Paul's case, to assume his romantically-tinged but overall ambiguous statements were meant that way.

Regarding the songs: in the end, artistic license exists and Paul and John were, let's face it, pretty vague writers for the most part, in the sense they aren't dropping tons of clues in the lyrics indicating who the muse might be.

Even a song like Call Me Back Again, which I do think is about John, seems that way 1) because of the mellotron flutes (though if I'm honest [with myself as well], associating the instrument Paul played on a John song with John specifically is a little dubious) and 2) because he references the person being from his childhood and no longer talking to him and 3) the way the song fits the timeline to the best of our knowledge.

Again, I want to reiterate: I do tend to believe John was the inspiration for Call Me Back Again. But there's no detail in the lyrics describing what John looks like or his occupation or something specific about him aside from the childhood connection.

And then, even if I accept this song is about John, artistic license makes it hard to conclude more than "Paul missed John at this point" which we basically already know anyways.

*Paul isn't the best at expressing himself, but a lot of quotes people take as evidence are him talking more about gendered expectations he felt. For some reason the fandom is incredibly dismissive of these or appropriates them as purely about sexuality.

[duchessofostergotlands]

Do you think you could be autistic? No hate just wondered as I am too and I relate to a lot of what you say

Oh my anonymous friend, you don't know the can of worms you have opened haha. I am going to ramble here so just be prepared for that.

When I was little my mum did actually think I might be autistic. Predominantly because I played in an unusual way. I would line my toys up on the window sill and my grandmother's display cabinet thing. I would get furious at people if they moved my toys because they all had their own spot. And the only time I touched the toys was to move them from the cabinet (their home) to the window (the school). The rest of the time I would just stand still, stare at the toys, and wiggle my fingers. They called it "zizzing" - now it's called stimming, I guess - and they knew that was a sign of autism so my mum and my grandmother did wonder about it. But I had two things going against me: I was a girl and I was born in the early 90s. This was during the peak of the idea autism was the "extreme male brain." It was seen as being predominantly a male diagnosis. You probably know that. And there wasn't much understanding so our reference point would be people like our family friend who always looked at the ground, was obsessed with trains, had limited speech and would scream if anyone tried to touch him. Whereas while my family were still thinking about the autism thing I started school and I was academically strong, I had a small group of close friends and at the time - because of the gender disparity - girls only really got diagnosed with autism if they had some kind of very obvious speech delay, they weren't doing well at school, they had no social connections with their peers at all etc. So basically everyone just forgot about it. I got called a drama queen a lot, that was it.

Fast forward to my teens and my mental health was really bad. It got worse at university because I didn't have the routine and structure of school, I didn't have my mum cooking and buying food etc. I was diagnosed initially with depression and anxiety. After a while it was clear that wasn't right so after much fighting I got a diagnosis for Borderline Personality Disorder. Now you may know this but there is an overlap in BPD and autism symptoms and women are often misdiagnosed with BPD later in life because as children their autism wasn't picked up (because diagnostic criteria is still geared towards how it presents in boys and psychologists and psychiatrists don't always delve into motivations and thought processes). I found that out in my mid 20s but thought "nah I probably don't have it, I don't have special interests and I don't struggle with x, y and z." However, my mum became really interested in BPD after I was diagnosed and did loads of research, listened to podcasts on it. And she told she was listening to one podcast where someone was diagnosed with BPD but then they discovered it was actually autism. My mum said to me that the way she described herself in childhood was exactly how I behaved, as if I'd been the one speaking. And so that got me thinking and that's where I have been stuck over the last few years. I debate with myself constantly what's going on in my brain and I truly don't know. I regularly have epiphanies where I think "oh that thing I've done all my life is incredibly autistic." But then I think maybe it's actually BPD. And I just go round and round.

I identify as neurodivergent, regardless of what diagnosis I have. Some neurodivergence paradigms do recognise severe mental illnesses like BPD anyway, but I've realised that if you put aside the BPD I still have chronic problems with ordinary tasks and situations. And I used to think it was just because I was young but I'm 31, almost 32, and it isn't normal to take 3 months to make one phone call because you just can't make yourself do it! Most people don't find it this hard to take basic care of themselves.

[monorayjak]

I... it's getting hard to live like this. Hiding who I am to so many people. It hurts. I wrote a thing earlier today and I felt I summed up the feeling pretty well I think, reworded a bit to sound better:

"It feels like torturous self harm to be fully aware of who I am and yet imprison myself in a fortress of a false identity that's slowly caving in around me."

What I'm getting at here... I think... I think it might be time for me to come out to some people...and I really need some advice.

As of now, only four people IRL know about me, that's my therapist, my cousin (who was genuinely more like a sister to me), a friend at college (I knew they were extremely supportive and they had no connection to other people I know, so it seemed like a safe bet to tell her (I was right)), a friend I interacted with occasionally in high school who has since come out as trans herself (actually what got me to message her, saw her online and wanted to ask so I didn't misgender her or anything, and we got talking and I quickly realized she'd understand.)

At the moment, I'm still living with my mom, which is fine, I know she'll support me in her own way (she's queer herself, she has internalized issues, but she tries). I know my university I go to, despite having once been a "christian college," have opened up and been supportive of most of the students who do come out in one way or another. I know at least a few of the professors there who are absolutely trying to be supportive to everyone to the best of their abilities. My therapist knows, as mentioned before, but he is also... well, he ain't exactly a pro with gender and sexuality stuff (still a good guy, he just messes up what he's talking about here and there, like using masculine pronouns when he talks about a transwoman (largely I think its because he usually talks about them when they first started transitioning, and I don't think he thinks about gendering them correctly in reference to them coming out... if that makes any sense).

The issues... well, for one, I live in the bible belt. My extended family (who we are finally trying to cut ourselves off from now that the only think holding us together (my grandmother) is gone) lives all around me and the majority of them are.........well lets just say they really don't like my mom being gay, and one of them bullied a kid he was fostering because, in his words, "the kid's a fucking sissy!" Yeah... not a fan of that uncle. (In related news I am genuinely afraid of that man because he is very fucking clearly not mentally stable and has talked about killing himself and others before (while preaching at church!) and he is... really aggressive and has access to guns) I'm too poor to even consider leaving the state, and with... well frankly I'm a bit of a fuckup who really can't live on their own... yeah... fun times. Insurance may cover parts of things, but... honestly I don't even fucking know. Like I said, I know my mom will try to support me, but she is also... well, how do I say this? She tends to not know how to react to stuff. A large reason I don't talk about stuff with her is that she has a habit of turning it around into something about herself (not in a manipulative way, mind you. I just think she doesn't realize why it feels bad to tell her something like this and then have her break down a bit because I didn't tell her sooner or because she didn't work it out herself or anything like that). Basically, if I tell her, its either going to go one of two ways.

She reacts negatively and turns it around about herself and takes the moment to be hurt she didn't work things out or that I didn't tell her. (Literally once opened up to her when I was little (like 11?) about how much I hated myself... she said the next day she spent the entire night crying because she thought she failed... I understand what she was going for, but, honestly not something you should tell your kid who just opened up. Practically had it ingrained internally "If I feel bad, hide it. Because my mom will be devastated by it.")

She goes too supportive and expects me to be willing to open up immediately. Basically just forgetting she can't push me into being out and honest because it takes time to work up the courage.

Both of these options are... iffy. To say the least.