#i hate how such little stuff will trigger me to have a fucking meltdown

[mostoverstimulatedgirl]

.

[valyrfia]

We talk a lot about weird shippers behavior and all that fandom etiquette and all that, which is right. But not enough about the people that get borderline violent towards lestappen. Because why are people on twitter lowkey having a meltdown over that meme video. Saying stuff like "omg he's so done with that already 😭" like yeah of course, it's an overused meme. But like it's not that deep, I'm sure he just, sighs and moves on?? And people get lowkey weird about it like "He's tired, he's angry 😡". Idk. Or the typical "lestappies are so delusional, they don't even talk to each other" like okay?? what's the problem then? If it's SO delusional, why don't you just, ignore it? But anyways, some people that are so fervently against it are kinda weird too. Because, me for example don't see why people would like Landoscar so much, it's one of the most rancid ships for me, yet I would never be so loud about it because what do I care??. Idk. Also you should see the quotes in some post that could be just a picture of them two, is like people get triggered or something (???

Twitter for me generally is something to avoid because it’s so ill-suited to fandom. Stuff that’s considered more controversial is always going to get more interactions because of the algorithm so people tend to cry about RPF being “morally wrong” and then use ships to interaction bait anyway. Don’t get me wrong RPF is definitely a grey area but tumblr in general has always been slightly more adult about it because it’s its own self-contained ecosystem. None of you know my real name or my face and we’re going to keep it that way. None of you know my follower count and we’re going to keep it that way. None of this is done for interactions it’s all done because we LIKE being here and know this is a safe space for something that yeah, is a little weird, but the self-containment means that the chance of us doing any sort of harm is practically zero.

I saw a tweet the other day being like “omg im so scared to have 16 and 33 in my bio because I just like them I don’t want people thinking I want them to fuck nasty because that’s gross” and I’m just—I would be willing to bet an extraordinary amount of money that person reads RPF. I would be willing to bet similar for a huge amount of people leaving lestappen “hate”. It comes from some misplaced sense of justice to “police” RPF and it being more important for an individual to be seen to be “morally correct” than protecting a community who really, isn’t harming anyone and just trying to keep to ourselves. I’m definitely not walking around in my everyday life telling everybody about how I think Max and Charles are #truesoulmates, in fact I have friends who are very chronically offline who I often chat about F1 with and I would never DREAM of telling them about this blog or expressing anything I say here because I know the only time and place for that remains either with my friends I’ve met through here or on here.

TLDR: Twitter is filled with people who need to be seen as morally right and for some reason have decided that Lestappen is their current crusade of choice, despite the fact all that really does is increase visibility of the ship to people who may be involved. I would just try your best to ignore it.

[milksteaki]

*rattles a cup w like 2 coins in it* spare Boomercup hcs for the deprived??? Individual or as a ship work if you have it <33

Okay lowkey ironic that I was like "omg ask me stuff!!" and then just fucked off for a bit but I blame executive dysfunction. Anyways! Here's some headcanons of my second favorite couple that sometimes rivals my first favorite, hehe.

Gonna start off with individual peeps first:

So I actually headcanon her as the youngest due to the order of their names. Y'know like Huey, Dewey, and Louie are also the same as their age order: from oldest to youngest. And Buttercup is at the end too. So she's the youngest to me, but she treats Bubbles the youngest because of Bubbles' interests and for how sensitive she is. Also about the names, Buttercup feels like an afterthought sometimes and that stems from when the Professor just named her Buttercup because it also starts with a B. Bubbles gets a lot of attention because she's so bubbly and extroverted and constantly putting herself out there. Blossom gets a lot of attention and praise because of her achievements and is constantly going above and beyond. Buttercup has this insecurity that she never will stick out compared to her sisters and that makes her highly individualistic. This aspect of her personality makes it so that when people reduce her to just "a girl", it makes her want to metaphorically rip this label off of her and tear it to shreds. She is constantly trying to prove that she is more, that she is not "just a girl" but someone who happens to be a girl." This can teeter into "not like other girls" territory, but I think there is a nuance to be explored for a story where she never intended to hurt other girls but still has to unpack her underlying misogyny but also remains the same in her gender expression (as in stay more masc than fem). Additionally, she very much wants things of her own. Like her friend group, that's hers and only hers. Her style is hers. Her space is hers. She is a little possessive and territorial and she will fight to protect these things. That money episode that everyone hates is actually why I headcanon her as a young part-time barista at an obnoxious chain cafe just so she can make her own money the right way. (Also constantly pushes her to the limit)

I see Buttercup as having a very close and intimate relationship with music. Music helps her relax when a meltdown nears. It also gives an outlet for her anger, her hurt, and her sensitivity. She uses music to shut out the world first, then uses it to connect to others when words fail her (and they fail often) This is why I ended up envisioning her as a rockstar when she grows up. Every other career option felt too tame for her and I wasn't going to go with police officer for political reasons. This career option gives her a healthy outlet for her anger and temper (which often push people away) and also lets her keep her edge. See Buttercup might be a little bit more obsessed with her image than her sisters because she would HATE for anyone to see her as soft. She NEEDS to keep her edge. She somewhat romanticizes the gritty, grim, and grunge things in life because it is so much more authentic than other things. That's another thing she values: authenticity. She hates sugar-coated bullshit and would rather embrace the cold brutal truth, but she often mistakes brutality as always truthful and kindness as fake.

While things often and very quickly trigger Buttercup's temper, Boomer sort of lacks a temper. His desire for destruction comes from how he finds enjoyment in malice. See he loves mean-spirited jokes, but it can still get to you when you are almost always the punching bag of the group. But also, Boomer is sort of the best person to be the punching bag of the group. He does stupid things very often, he barely holds grudges, and it is very hard to get things to bother Boomer. He just doesn't give a fuck about anything, or anyone. He rarely ever thinks anything through, and things often bite him in the ass because of that. He's a chill guy, but people often mistake that with him being a good guy. But Boomer has no interest in being a good guy, but honestly, he barely has an interest in doing much at all. I see sloth consuming Boomer, often sleeping until 2:00 pm and even after that he will still take naps. Executive function has a greater grip on Boomer than it does on me frankly. I also see him as more individualistic than his brothers. Brick has the strongest personality of course, but a lot of his identity is still connected to the Rowdyruff Boys. That is not the case for Boomer. Boomer speaks up against Brick the most because again Boomer doesn't exactly think before he speaks and also doesn't give a single fuck. He spots Brick's mistakes and will either point them out in a question or just straight make fun of Brick. This in turn makes Brick pick on Boomer more and also become closer to Butch (who sees more eye to eye with Brick). Boomer feels that and ends up doing things by himself more often. He needs alone time often, taking walks and wreaking havoc along the way. Out of his family, he ends up growing up and moving on the fastest, moving out at fifteen to figure out life on his own.

Boomer also has a very close relationship to music. You rarely find him without his headphones (which reminds me... why do I never draw him with them...) Music stimulates him, and everyday life is so boring. I like to think he first gets into music for comedic songs, like the Lonely Island or Bo Burnham. (So yes he loves musicals, but he would hate for you to find out) Then he finds his real love for rock music, the more underground the better. Music has been his friend when he had none, and he has a true talent for rhythm and beats. I see him more as a drums guy, no thoughts just ba tsss. It's one of a few things he feels passionately about. Second only to his love for pissing people off, and god does he get a kick out of it. That's what makes people hate him. And he's not exactly the type to apologize or stop pissing bitches off. He'll keep going, maybe keep it up for days or months. Truly, Boomer is a little shit, constantly wearing a shit-eating grin.

Buttercup, at first sees Boomer as an idiot. Then she sees him as a fake "pretty boy" who gets things easily handed to him because he's blonde, a boy, and is very pretty. She is not attracted to him at all because he wasn't exactly her type. To her, he lacked grit and edge, and frankly she just doesn't like blondes. The same could not be said about Boomer. She was totally his type: has a pulse and could kick his ass. In a way Boomercup starts with a comedic premise, Boomer is too stupid to see his impending doom when he tests Buttercup's patience by flirting with her. But then I think we would find out that Boomer wasn't being stupid, he wasn't scared because he does genuinely like her. She's pretty, smart, funny, and on top of all that she's a fucking badass. He loves how edgy she is and he sees 0 issue in pursuing her (part of it is because of his lack of attachment to the whole Rowdyruff Boy thing). Boomer gets on Buttercup's nerves constantly, but they soon find they have quite a bit in common. Skateboarding, rock music, and the same food orders are just a small list of what they have in common. And when I say they bond with music, I mean they really bond with music. Boomer likes classic rock to hardcore rock. Buttercup likes heavy metal music to grunge rock music, but of course, she appreciates the iconic classics. They especially bond over indie music, becoming concert buddies and buying band merch for each other as gifts. However, before any of this can happen, Buttercup establishes that he needs to stop messing with her, and she refuses to believe that Boomer genuinely romantically likes her. And as Boomer starts to get to know her more and starts to care about her, he agrees. He tries to let go of his crush to become her friend instead. Their normal fighting turns into light playfighting, as Boomer still gets on her nerves but in a friendlier way. As Buttercup spends more time with him, she starts to develop feelings for him. She starts to see him as a pretty cool guy. So weird right? Just a minute ago she saw him as an idiot. And when she starts to like him, she starts playfully hit him more, laughs harder at his jokes, and especially spends more and more of her time with him. Yet Boomer is completely oblivious because not once is she directly stating her interest in him. If anything, her words sound like she has no interest in him, as she sort of teases him more. But for Buttercup, that is flirting. Complimenting people...being affectionate before dating... These make her quite uncomfortable. So she insults and fights him instead, and Boomer finds it hilarious. It's different when Buttercup does it because Boomer can at least tell that she values him and sees him as an equal (unlike Brick).

As a couple, they end up becoming the most well-adjusted couple. Buttercup pushes Boomer to be more ambitious with how hard she works to achieve her goals. Boomer actually gives Buttercup more patience, because she is so much happier with him that all the things that used to make her angry seem so small and pointless. And seeing how little things bother him, inspires her to get to that level of unbothered. They are most people's favorite couple to be around because they rarely fight, they don't do PDA, and they are just really fun to be around. They are a very chill couple and they appreciate each other's honesty. Besides Buttercup's romantic feelings, Boomer appreciates how much he doesn't have to guess with her. And Boomer keeps it real with Buttercup. They play video games together, and when Buttercup doesn't have a show then they sleep in or at least have a very lazy day. Boomer will help her out sometimes if she needs drums, but knows Buttercup would shine brighter if he wasn't in the band. Anyways I'm sleepy. Gonna eat breakfast and then nap lol.

[brzatto]

Okay the anon mentioning that thing about Mikey leaving Carmy the beef and in a way leaving Richie to Carmy IS FANTASTIC

This fucker really said these two idiots will only survive if I force them together.

Also I feel like Richie is dying to take care of someone in a way? Like, he was really good with Tiff and he wants to be a good dad so bad. And then his dead best friend said heard and just shoves this chaotic, broken, mess of a little brother into his arms with no direction or further guidance. And he grew up with this kid right? He saw all the awkward phases and knows him better than most of his family even though it was probably more of an annoyance than genuinely wanting to know.

So he, on a super base level, probably knows Carmy enough to be surprisingly good at keep him alive and healthy?

Mikey gave Richie the human equivalent of a depressed house plant and he's actually doing a decent job at keeping Carmy it alive.

Also

Also

Along this same train of thought, what would Nat and Donna do once they realize Richie and Carmy may be a little closer than they realized? I think Nat would give a fierce shovel talk to Richie and then hug him for a really long time. What about Donna? She's already fucking nuts. I kinda want to explore the idea of her snarling something about Carmy always trying to be Mikey but I also like the idea of her thinking they can support each other better than she ever did.

And I feel like it's just glazed over but the trauma of being in that fucking house? Like Richie's dad wasn't around right? I would argue that's almost better than whatever the fuck Donna was doing.

There's so much to explore there. Add in the stuff while Carmy was away with the fuck face chef and oh Lord this boy needs help.

Do I think Carmy is in a place like Mikey was? No, but not taking care of yourself is a form of self harm and that boy does not even know how to spell self care.

I feel like Richie would better understand and be very aware of those things. They're always yelling at each other but Carmy usually has like a meltdown of some type after. Maybe Carmy hates when someone's close behind him in the kitchen because it makes him think of fuck face chef. Richie clocking in on that and going out of his way to discreetly move people around Carmy quick or to place himself between Carmy and someone else if they have to be behind him. Because if Carmy would let anyone see all the little, broken, scared parts of him it would be Richie.

And possessive, protective Richie who picks up on all these little flinches, self deprecating remarks, the lack of self care, or general depression and putting all the pieces into a picture that he does not like. I think he'd pick it all up and make sure anything that may trigger Carmy is taken care of, within reason, and subtly do things to help or make things easier, all while Carmy is oblivious but also realizing he isn't as stressed as he usually is. And Richie seems very pleased with himself lately.

**I rambled again, sorry. I just love actually having someone to talk to about this pairing ♥️

you’re correct! something that really irked me before s2 came out was the mass richie misinterpretation where everyone thought he was fundamentally a bad person with a few good moments/interactions as opposed to vice versa. the way richie treats carmy is a testament to their closeness but also probably to how estranged they became since carmy left home, when we’re introduced to richie in the pilot he’s visibly very warm and friendly with everyone else in the kitchen (except for fak and syd who are outsiders that carmy chooses to bring in) and is seen being openly affectionate, kissing tina hugging marcus etc etc. richie takes good care of those he cares about and i’m so glad they gave us a glimpse into his dynamic with tiff while she was pregnant because richie was soooooo (biting my fist) i’ve never doubted for a second that he genuinely loved her and i’m glad they showed us them being happy and sweet rather than the deteriorated version of their relationship that probably came after eva was born/mikey’s addiction got worse.

i feel like growing up carmy was relatively sheltered in a way? probably naturally shy and quiet and introverted even when he was younger and in spite of all the chaos in his family i really feel like he was spoiled lol or at least comparatively. especially with the comment richie made to sydney about always being nagged about being careful with carmy i can see nat and mikey both being really protective of him. in opposition richie was definitely the one who’d tease and antagonize him the most but he still clearly had that sense of responsibility drilled into him back then because we can see how instinctual his protectiveness is with carmy even now. i’m still trying to decide what his relationship and dynamic with donna was like when he was younger because in fishes we see him successfully placating her when nat couldn’t, i can’t tell if she’s always favored carmy just for being the youngest or if mikey and nat had to shield him from the brunt of her dysfunctionality growing up or maybe even if she was more stable when he was younger and then her mental health deteriorated/behavior became increasingly more erratic over time?

richie’s a person who naturally receives gratification from doing things for others and feeling useful/needed and that probably manifests itself in a much more competitive/spiteful way with carmy because his feelings towards him are just Like That and carmy is also bad at thanking (not other people just richie specifically) him so it’s not quite as transactional as his dynamic with, for example, tiff where he does things for her and is directly rewarded with affection/praise/seeing her happy. i think at first richie just likes the idea of carmy, who he always knew as just some snot nosed loser and is now a well established name in a competitive and high end industry, still being incompetent in some facets and having to depend on richie for something (even if carmy would NEVER ask for his help first or even admit his dependency), likes the idea of having it to hang over his head etc etc (or at least this is how he justifies it to himself) and then with time it gradually morphs back into a Normal relationship where they’re willing to accept that richie takes care of carmy because he cares about him and carmy accepts it because he also cares about him but because they’re them and they’re difficult we have to go the long way around. this is the plot of bcm essentially

lol for sugar and donna’s reactions i think you summed up my own feelings pretty well. i do have a wip fic that sort of includes how that would go with sugar, but in it they actually don’t tell her about “being together” at all (because they do NOT think of themselves as “being together”) and she finds out herself after carmy has been unofficially living with richie for like the past however many months and is understandably pissed. it’s supposed to be a more lighthearted fic so there’s no seriousness to it but i think having known for richie for so long she’s already intimately familiar with all his loser scumbag asshole tendencies as well as carmy’s bullheadedness and notoriously bad decision making but she also knows richie’s good at heart and carmy needs someone like him in his life. especially in light of richie’s apology to her in s2 and effectively amending their relationship (which meant SO much to me) genuinely i can only see her being mad over them not telling her about it rather than anything else. also i love the implication that mikey and richie were also romantically involved before at some point too and donna weaponizing that… when i choose to incorporate past richie/mikey in my carmrich plots the notion that richie is just another one of mikey’s hand me downs or that carmy is simply mikey’s fill in for richie is always one of carmy’s biggest insecurities and i can’t quite decide if donna would be cruel enough to weaponize that against carmy specifically but the thought has delectable angst potential. your mind

i think about richie’s family life a lot like goodness what was going ON in the jerimovich household that donna berzatto could’ve possibly been the better alternative… in reality i think richie’s mother actually just wasn’t present at all, like i think she probably either died or left when he was a child but since sydney’s mother also passed away when she was young and i doubt they’d repeat that plotline for richie i’m guessing it’s the latter. his father also probably wasn’t around very much because of service, but when he was he was probably a dick because he was a cishet (vine boom) white man (vine boom) in the military (VINE BOOM)

and actually it’s funny that you say that because to me i think carmy would definitely have his own vices, like obviously we see his smoking habit but a personal hc of mine i’ve always had for him even before s2 came out is that he has a bad relationship with alcohol—not to the point of addiction or anything like that but i think he probably abused it a little to cope with mikey shutting him out and stopped once it posed the risk of interfering with his work. if you happen to remember in ch2 of bcm there’s a line where carmy mentions richie knowing carmy doesn’t drink—there’s a reason why and that’ll get expanded on in future chapters! but yeah carmy’s form of self harm definitely manifests itself as self neglect. i’ve seen a lot of people write him with an ed but i don’t necessarily think he has one or that his relationship with food is tainted per se i think his eating habits just reflect his own self negligence. carmy definitely is on his way to developing gastritis if he doesn’t have it already

and this is such a sweet scenario for them i love this >_< anything with richie being attentive, considerate, thoughtful, gentle, tender etc etc i am seated immediately… like sometimes i read my own writing and feel like i’m projecting because i want him so unspeakably badly. always nice to see you in my inbox thank you for this anon 🤍

[nerfedbytheuniverse]

Vent about my ribs.

Oof So Currently I am over here trying to just lay down and relax and get ready for bed but the minute I laid down I just got a fucking. Different sort of pain in my ribs, right around the base of my sternum, near my diaphragm, that area where the ribs connect. A fluttery, achy pain that looks like the way blood vessels branch out. Almost like lightning. It feels like a muscle spasm, pretty similar to the ones I get in my legs sometimes. But like the very start of the leg ones, when you have a chance to stretch it out before it gets too bad.

But I’ve felt this before in my chest and last time it lingered, never fully going away but rather changing in intensity based on how I position myself. And I remember it lasting quite a while. Never getting tired the actual spasm, but never getting properly resolved, until at some point it just stops entirely. But what triggers that? I don’t remember.

I’ve never gotten to the bad cramp part. At this point I kinda need it to either happen or go away.

The thing I can’t really get myself to tell people, because I don’t want to worry them or give anyone anything to use against me, is that I’m so scared of my different issues and their symptoms and the idea of losing control in any major way. That includes:

Having a really bad flashback or panic attack anywhere.

Being completely engulfed in a “projected” flashback.

Having a debilitating panic attack in public.

Having a really bad meltdown in public or anywhere really. Just having a complete “lose control” meltdown in general.

Having pain pop up in a way that makes me wince, emote, or make noise in any obvious way in front of anyone ever.

Getting hit/bumped into/knocking into someone in a way that actually slows me down or incapacitates me or anything.

That’s probably a vulnerability issue, but at the same time I have no issue explaining when the things that have happened, happened.

For example, when my youngest sibling was still youngish (old enough to walk but under 3 years old) i was trying to help him change because his clothes got dirty while he was playing and my mom was in the middle of something so she asked me to help.

And so his dresser was in my mom’s room and I was bringing him there so he could pick which stuff he wanted to wear and he decided to play all difficult and try to pull me to a different room. And I was trying to pull him into mom’s room.

And I was somewhat leaning along the door as we moved into the room and… basically rammed my left side into the doorknob.

It hurt like hell. It was basically me writhing on the floor with flames in my side and tears in my eyes. But I’m not usually one to make noise when I’m in pain so I was completely fucking silent.

That was over a decade ago and I’m still very careful around doorknobs, especially with my tender-ass ribcage.

But nah so the muscle cramp pain is still coming and going and it’s worse when I take a deep breath. I just think my intercostals sort of hate me a little. The price I pay for my trauma. Eventually it’s gotta get better but right now it feels like I’m wrapped in defective and overheating net lights.

[vtforpedro]

personal/med update

My brain is fried mush right now. I survived my disability hearing on Tuesday. It was definitely informal, a little intimidating, but I feel I got through it well enough. My attorney said it’s a toss up because this judge is extremely professional and won’t give any indication and he sure didn’t. The vocational expert narrowed me down to like 3 jobs, then 2, then 1, then 0. I felt that was a good thing? Like am I not disabled if I can’t do any jobs? Either way, my age is working against me so we shall see. It’s very strange that you can be completely disabled and unable to work, but not by US law so they won’t provide aid. Blegh. Gotta wait another 1-3 months for his written decision. ._. Last Thursday, I noticed I had a ‘spot.’ I call them spots b/c I have eczema but I also had a bad ringworm infection in 2015 and called them spots then. Red spots that turn into rings. Anyway thought it was gonna be eczema but by Friday I was covered in many more. Cue me having multiple meltdowns about it interfering with my hearing if it got too bad lmao It didn’t, but it is bad! I had 49 ringworm spots as of last night and they grow in number by day. So, I went to see an NP b/c my dr couldn’t fit me in. Went as well as every other medical professional interaction has, which was terribly, and left me in tears and feeling beat down yet again by the medical field. She wants disabled me, who was bedbound for eight months and currently in PT to recover, to put cream on 49 spots and counting. With IIH and nerve damage that limits my movement and ability to stand for longer than 10-15 min. But she kept interrupting me and wouldn’t let me explain any of this. Her notes said ‘she is not usually terribly active’ so I guess being bedbound translates to that somehow??? She also said I had 3-4 spots on my breasts which is not what she was told by me or what her MA wrote down. lmao so guess who had to message her pcp again!!!!!!!! A completely healthy person can’t be expected to put cream on 49 spots 2x a day. For me, this involves washing my skin since I am unable to shower every day cause of the whole disabled thing. She said a lot more bullshit about my swollen feet and fatigue, so basically I got zero help. It was barely a 10min appt. Fucking hate them, I swear. She refused to give me the oral anti-fungal cause of my other meds, but my mom asked the pharmacist today and she said I’d be fine to take it. The pharmacist asked, unprompted, if an NP, urgent care or ER doctor said no to the oral pill and my mom was like YES! And she said they don’t understand it and won’t give it despite it being used every day even for yeast infections and athlete’s foot. She said her friend went through this shit too trying to get the oral pill. Back in 2015, I suffered this infection for 5mos while applying for health insurance/getting approved/waiting for a pcp because no NP, UC or ER doctor would give me the oral med lmao I saw my new pcp finally and he was like uhhhh no here’s a prescription for it you have way too many spots to worry about putting cream all over your body. Y’all I had been washing my sheets, towels, clothes, taking apple cider vinegar baths, soaking my spots in ACV, then applying one of five or six otc and prescription creams EVERY DAY. I spent two hours twice a day in my bathroom. Ringworm was what I did every day all day for five fucking months. I cannot fathom doing that again. It’s insanity. I was close to a mental breakdown and I only had MH issues back then, none of the physical stuff. I hate it here man Also why do I keep having shit happen every time I turn around. No idea why my feet are swelling, no idea why I have this abnormal fatigue that makes me teary because I sit here and stare at my screen unable to think of anything else but how tired I am. Like for long periods of time. She said to talk to my psychiatrist about it HOOOOOOOO. I woke up this morning and immediately started crying. It’s triggering being treated this way after three years of it. I should’ve waited to see my pcp and used otc in the meantime or something, but my pcp wanted me in asap for my swollen feet so I could get lab orders. Which, according to this NP, ‘there are no labs for swollen feet.’ Where did they get this lady She’s like WHAT ABOUT YOUR LEUKEMIA DID THEY CURE IT? I’m like my chronic, lifelong leukemia? No, it is in remission lmao chronic is right there in the name ma’am. It’s the first word. HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH I’m gonna go cry again sorry for ranting I am so so so fucking sick of medical professionals and I cannot wait for it to slow down but my february is completely booked and march is halfway there. Chronic pain life baby!!!!

[orionsangel86]

Following the release of the pilot of that bloody Winchester prequel yesterday, a lot of people have been excitedly posting interviews and articles on it and starting up the meta and spec again. I thought I'd be able to avoid seeing it on here but this is the SPN website so clearly that was a bad assumption.

Thing is, I genuinely believed I was okay. This year has been SO GOOD for me for healing the wounds that SPN carved into me. With OFMD, WWDITS, The Sandman, IWTV, and now Good Omens 2 news I have been happily existing in a little joy filled bubble everytime I come on Tumblr.

I just scrolled past a post which had screenshots of an article from Robbie Thompson on the Winchesters. I thought I'd read it out of curiosity. I shouldn't have.

It brought everything back. Talk of the Winchester brothers and how "theres no Dean if there aint no Sam" and how they arent changing a damn thing about SPN canon, and how we will find out where Dean is, with the writer speculating he's telling the story from heaven...

I don't know why, but it hurt.

It was like something had decided to prod really hard at the old SPN scars, the ones that never really healed right to begin with, and are still jagged and tender even after 7 months of solid healing thanks to only consuming media that actually respects me as a person.

I haven't felt that kind of pain since Jared Padalecki last opened the hole in his face to spew bullshit about how the finale from Hell was so perfect and right for the brothers *gags*.

It wasnt even a bad article, but it acknowledged things I had tried to erase from my head. God. Im so fucked up. That horrible show fucked me up so much. I wanted to just shut down tumblr and mentally check myself out for a bit and put on the Dreamcast on spotify or something, but I had to get this off my chest, even if people read this and think im fucking moronic for caring so much and wasting energy on this stupid show and why do I care right?

7 fucking years I devoted to that horseshit show. 7 fucking years I held it in my heart and adored it even though the whole time it clawed and carved at me and hated me because I wasnt the audience it wanted.

One little article and I feel like ive been triggered even though that word should be far too strong for something as stupid as getting emotional over a TV show. Im having a minor breakdown in my living room at 10pm on a Wednesday night in 2022 over fucking SPN.

I dont even know why im openly admitting this on the spn website when I know its gonna subject me to hate and a whole mass loss of followers but I had to get this out. I had to write it down. Its so difficult to express how this show makes me feel. I dont wanna be the one you all roll your eyes at and call a negative anti but I also don't understand how everyone else seems to have slipped so easily back into old habits.

I wanna scream at everyone not to be fooled. But I dont wanna stamp on other peoples joy either. So I guess I gotta remove myself from the equation here. Fool me once etc etc.

Im gonna have to unfollow some long term mutuals, especially those that arent tagging content. If you correctly tag every winchester related post and reblog then at least my filters will block them, but if they slip through im gonna have to unfollow. I cant be having 10pm meltdowns over SPN at this point in my life. Not when there is so much good stuff out there to be focusing on instead.

[dani-is-a-pixie]

Shit they don’t tell you about Autism/Aspergers

Well, I’ve been learning more and more about different signs of being neurodiverse and I thought I’d put my own experiences here just in case it might be able to help someone else understand their diagnosis or themselves better. If you feel you have Autism, please speak to your GP or doctor to be able to talk to a professional because like all things, self diagnosing isn’t a good idea, ya feel me. - Let’s talk clothing b. Yes, so basically Autistics like to dress more comfortable, probably hate things like tags (I used to cut them off) and might only wear certain fabrics. Some people might wear certain colours only as well. Although, the general thing is that Autistics “aren’t expressive” you’ll find a lot of Autistics are and that might be reflected through their alternative clothing choices. Another thing is you might have very sensitive skin, washing powder can cause rashes and itchiness, you might not even be able to use soap. - Hair. Hair is so gross. So basically you might feel that having your hair in your face is so annoying. Ever since I was little I always remember just tying my hair up and leaving it like that. Wanting short hair to avoid it touching your face because of sensory issues. Although, you might like to have it coloured and expressive you might struggle to have your hair down because it just feels so gross. In relation to hair when washing it you might hate the sensation of shampoo and water and all that. - Although, being very monotone is a sign of Autism being very expressive is also a sign. The thing is I feel a lot of Autistic people without the correct support have probably got a diagnosis of depression or anxiety and I feel like that combined with feeling Autistic might make it hard for you to put any energy into things, whereas you know you are a expressive person. Also you probably have hella empathy. I know that is like the opposite of what you hear but seriously, myself and some other people I know with Autism are very empathetic people and feel emotions to an extreme. Although, it might not seem like we feel anything from facial expressions and responses we might be feeling so much it’s just too overwhelming to express it. - Let’s talk acting like a child. Not saying this to dig because I’m the same way, but most people who have Autism might regress into a childlike state which is known as age regressing. It’s usually a coping mechanism to deal with stress but I suppose it could also be triggered by sensory issues? Like I find when I’m really happy I’m very childlike. Oh and you might act younger then you are or be really immature, not always taking things seriously or understanding things. Which is okay and why having a specialist to help support you with the stuff you struggle with is key. - Stim. Stim. Stim. We hear about happy stim, sad stim but honestly you might just stim for every emotion. Also people with Autism might seem like they have tics but they can have vocal stims as well as motor. - Gender is complex right? Yeah I feel you. Feel like you flucuate between genders, have no gender, feel in the middle or might even be trans - although, this is a sensitive topic Autistics actually are more likely to have different relationships with gender due to how we view and feel about the world. So whatever gender you are b, you are valid! - Identity is confusing. The thing is you might feel like you have alters or different versions of yourself as well, which is why Autism is not diagnosed and you might be diagnosed with BPD or like DID. The thing is identity for us is always so confusing and we have such a different relationship about things about ourselves and how we view things. Sometimes it feels like someone were not and sometimes we feel like a different person, but that is okay and valid. - Control as a stress management. Now this is where things like eating disorders can be developed, maybe self destructive behaviours like self harming or perhaps being very toxic to keep everything the way you can because you feel like your life is going out of control. I really do feel you - and that’s why seeing a specialist can help you cope with shitty times like this. But that is a sign. - You have a safe space. Probably your house, your room and you barely leave it. You feel so fucking overwhelmed outside. Too many people, too many noises, too many things going on, which is why Autism can seem like an anxiety disorder but you just feel things very sensitive and can have sensory overload. - If you’re an adult now, probably as a child you were told you were just intelligent and there’s nothing wrong with you. Yep. Same here. Parents tried to get me diagnosed as a young age but they wouldn’t even test me. - For me, I cannot stop listening to music. I express myself through music. I’ll send people songs and tell them to pay attention to the lyrics or the video because it’s how I feel and it’s how I express myself. Some people might do that with art or writing or something they use to express that isn’t vocally with words, people might sing or make songs. There tends to be a creative or different way you express your emotions. - Special interests. They might change throughout your life. I thought you had to have something you were interested in since a kid but they can change and it’s known as hyperfixations! It can be literally anything, and they are valid. You probably hate talking to people if they don’t share one of your hyperfixations because you feel misunderstood or weird or lonely. Doesn’t have to be anything out of the ordinary. - Might blurt out how you feel to people, like having no filter. You like to have deep meaningful relationships and want friends you can talk about your deep routed emotions and dreams with rather then wow there is something on the news. That shit doesn’t interest you at all. - This might be an embarassing one but you might have a lot of issues with going to the toilet (ie. bleeding or runny stools and etc), especially when you’re stressed you might have really bad stomach issues or abdomen issues. That aren’t always explained but are probably stress induced when everything is too much for you, people tend to be more sensitive to those types of things if they’re Autistic due to sensory and sensitivites. - Meltdowns can be shown in crying breakdowns, anger breakdowns, can also be shown as completely shut down and you might experience catatonia, where you struggle to talk or move because you feel so sad, you might get so worked up and might even feel as low as feeling suicidal and might self harm as well when in these meltdowns. - You hate injustice and you probably are an advocate for the mentally ill or disabled. Seeing injustice might actually trigger a meltdown because you want to change things - due to your extreme empathy but you struggle to accept you can’t save the world. - Might have fake friends but as you grow older might cut those people off for using your energy and might end up with having barely any to no friends. Might feel extremely lonely and not understand why people can’t just be nice to you. - Relationships you probably take very seriously, like full on planning marriages when it might just seem like nothing to someone. This can make you prone to abusive relationships and you might not always notice if that person is good for you, no matter what they do you probably try to continue to fix the relationship. Took some notes from p-3a-s-life-resources <3 and personal experience.

[princesscyr-fn]

Brothers x Autistic! MC Tidbits/Headcanons

I figured I’d do one as I’m autistic and I wanna be included in things. At the same time however, autism is a spectrum and each of us experience different behaviors and such. As such, each MC for each brother is different so everyone feels included! These are meant to be platonic but you can interpret this however you want. I’m asexual so writing actual romantic stuff makes me very uncomfortable lol.

|Masterlist is here|

MC is gender neutral, yall

Available on Ao3, Wattpad

Lucifer

♡ Clashing with one another from the get go. ♡ Lucifer tends to criticize you, and its mostly unintentional. He’s just looking out for you, though his pride prevents him from admitting that he cares about you. ♡ One day though, the usual comment that falls from his lips about you ends up making you snap. As a result, you are calling him every name under the blocked sun in the Devildom. (Satan LOVES this.) This is when Lucifer realizes he made a fucky wucky. (Thanks @error-code-606 lmao) ♡ Lucifer gets a super harsh reality check from Satan, reminding him that you are autistic and that constant put-downs is bad for a persons self-esteem/image issues. For once, pride feels guilt bubbling in his gut. ♡ From then on, Lucifer is more mindful of how he words his issues with you. (Still staying blunt, which you appreciate.) All the while he praises you from time to time for all the good stuff you’ve done thus far. ♡ Lucifer would keep mental notes of all your stims and triggers. ♡ Entertains stim toys and isn’t bothered by such as he tries to work. ♡ Lucifer would play soothing music for you, mostly classical or easy listening. Something to tingle your sensory. ♡ He stops your meltdowns before you could fully lose control of yourself. ♡ Soft hands are your weakness and Lucifer’s hands don’t disappoint. He’ll let you hold his hands anytime you desire. ♡ Lucifer's office is the best spot for you to have quiet time. ♡ You can talk his ear off and he would love every second of it, deep down.

Mammon

♡ He was quick to pick up on your behaviors before you could push him away. ♡ He is able to joke with you, both of you laughing like hyenas all the way. ♡ Mammon would never make fun of your stutter or mispronunciation of words. He’s patient and tries his best to help you. He absolutely hates when the other demons (not his brothers) make fun of you for something you have no control over. ♡ Both of you would find comfort in each other. ♡ You would absolutely adore his hair. Being a fan of bright colors and his hair being as white as angel wings. Bless his heart, he will allow you to play with it while denying how much he likes it. ♡ He knows the sound of coins is one of your favorite sounds sensory wise. He always makes sure to have some coins on him. ♡ Mammon would remember all of your fixations and then try to shower you in gifts relevant to your current likes. ♡ He loves music and will sing with you no matter how goofy you both sound. ♡ Late night Hell’s Kitchen runs are mandatory. ♡ You are the only person he would try so hard not to steal from. (He’d fail miserably and just keep your stuff instead of selling it.) ♡ Class would be hilarious with him, he’s a class clown. ♡ While he may be a class clown, I think he would somewhat try a bit harder on his work because you encourage him to do his best every single day.

Leviathan

♡ Things between the two of you are tense at first as both of you are socially awkward and standoffish. ♡ Though once you’re both comfortable, you will talk each others ears off about anime, video games, and everything under the blocked sun of the Devildom. ♡ You two will develop a secret language that the other brothers won’t understand. Imagine all that shit talk. ♡ You’re both stimmers! While Levi has physical and vocal stims, yours are mostly vocal with the occasional twitch and thigh slap. ♡ You both are major plushie enthusiasts. Prove me wrong. (You can’t.) ♡ Eye contact is difficult to maintain between the two of you, with both of you either yelping, blushing, and looking away while sputtering nonsense. ♡ Mention your love or interest in aquatic life or the sea and watch him fall in love with you, (he’s a sea monster, duh) though he will deny it smh. ♡ You both share a love for slime and will buy a lo of it on your trips to the human world. (When you two feel like doing things like that.) ♡ Levi will most certainly dress as a cat maid so long as you do it too. ♡ Stim games are 100% your favorite games to play with him. (Minecraft, Terraria, Fortnite, No Mans Sky...) ♡ Levi figures out that the sound of the ocean soothes you, and will imitate the sounds in his fish tanks to help you relax. ♡ You two make the best cosplay duo. No question about it.

Satan

♡ He is more understanding than you were led to believe. (Shame on you, Lucifer.) You avoided him at first until you found yourself in a heated debate with him regarding human world fauna kingdom. This conversation, though heated, gave you the chance to actually talk to him. It was then the realization hit that Lucifer intentionally kept you two apart. ♡ You two end up becoming close friends. ♡ You hate reading alone as its not engaging and gets boring quickly. So you tell Satan that you would like for him to read to you, which he’d accept without a second thought. ♡ He would remember your likes and dislikes. He would always encourage you to talk about your latest obsession. He’s always interested in hearing about what you have to say. ♡ Jingle cat ears. No explanation needed. (Might dress up as a cat maid with you and Levi, tho.) ♡ He would learn all your stims and triggers so he can help you when you need it. ♡ If you’re the artsy type, you bet he will learn all the crafts for you. ♡ The sound of turning pages satisfies your sound sensory. ♡ Nature walks, lots of them. Quiet moments together means the world to the two of you. ♡ Occasionally you fall asleep next to him as he reads to you. His voice is soothing enough to lull you to sleep. ♡ You two are so close in fact, he rubs it in Lucifer's face. ♡ Satan always finds himself holding your hand whenever you two go out to crowded public places.

Asmodeus

♡ Physical contact wasn’t your thing until you met the avatar of lust. ♡ He took it personally at first when you would stand awkwardly whenever he hugged you or how you would pull your hand away when he would try to hold it. ♡ Once you explain that you are autistic and physical contact was a weird subject for you, he is quick to understand. After all, he is all about consent and wanted to make sure you were comfortable. ♡ Friendship blossoms between the two of you quickly and smoothly. ♡ Asmo would help you with being more extroverted by inviting you to parties. ♡ He would make note of your stims and to satisfy your sensory, he would buy lotions and perfumes. ♡ Getting your nails done is fun and Asmo is perfect for that task. ♡ You have a best friend who will listen to you intently and give you good advice. ♡ Going shopping is less nerve wracking with him. Plus he would give you fashion tips so you can look and feel your best. ♡ The first time you gave him a hug on your own, he wept tears of joy. ♡ Spa days are mandatory. ♡ There is a love between the two of you that does not require a relationship to be valid.

Beelzebub

♡ Beel warmed up to you quickly, especially when he witnesses your appetite at dinner. ♡ He is always curious and asking you questions to better understand you. ♡ You are quick to share your food with him and vice versa. ♡ Eating competitions, though you would lose to him always, unless if he was going easy on you. (Good luck, chief) ♡ Playful and friendly flirting/banter. ♡ Beel would be interested in whatever you obsess with that week. ♡ He is patient with you and doesn’t judge you for things you have no control over. ♡ Includes you in all family activities because hes all about family first. ♡ You two will gush to each other about any and everything. ♡ Hell’s Kitchen dates? Fuck yeah. Those are mandatory. ♡ Though you are picky in terms of texture, Beel would gladly eat whatever food you won’t. ♡ You aren’t a very active person, but that will change with Beel. Eat first, then run it off, human.

Belphegor:

♡ Warmed up to you quickly despite killing you, mainly because you forgave him and still treated him with kindness despite the fact. (Simp *cough* *cough*) ♡ He is very understanding in regards to your sensory, stims, and meltdowns. ♡ Loves laying in silence with you (and vice versa) ♡ Belphie would show you constellations with his magic to help you sleep. ♡ Slime? You bet Belphie would be as entertained as you are on that subject. Cloud slime would be one of his favorites. ♡ You two communicate with each other better in silence. ♡ He would share his cow pillow with you. ♡ Your sensory craves anything that is soft. Belphie would be surprised at first when you mindlessly play with his hair as you lay together. ♡ Your troubling dreams became a little more peaceful with Belphie at your side. ♡ Both of you are big plushie enthusiasts and have a plushie club hangout spot with Levi. ♡ Belphies voice does satisfy your sensory. ♡ Tea time is a fun activity between the two of you. It leads to good naps as well.

[pikapikabishes]

It's Okay Now(Kirishima x gn!Reader)

Disclaimer: all characters rightfully belong to their original creators, only thing that is mine is the plot. Also do not copy my writing. Thank you

Summary: Class 3A's Y/n was having a jolly day hanging out with the BakuSquad, including her amazing bf of over 6 months, Eijirou Kirishima, even with all the stress piling up, like a shaken soda bottle ready to burst, until said explosion finally happened. Triggered by the littlest, probably stupidest event

Warnings: anxiety (?), panic attacks, not eating for days, mentions death, suggestive themes, a bit of swearing

Mentions: mental breakdown, overworking oneself, starvation, hyperventilating, ugly crying, kiri being absolutely biggest sweetheart, daddy!Kiri breifly

A/n: this is my first fic on Tumblr so please be nice, and if you enjoyed it, like and comment

Everything hurt. My head, my eyes, my chest, my mind. I don't even know what happened. One minute I'm perfectly fine, having a good time with my friends, the next I'm in this situation.

Im sitting in the middle of my dorm on the floor, crying and sobbing over the smallest thing. I admit being stressed with everything going on in my life; with upcoming school exams , training every single day to improve my ultimate moves, and the biggest clicher... my dad's passing a couple months prior.

This whole time I've just been bottling it all up, trying my hardest to put up a brave front as to not worry my mom, who already has a lot on her plate, my friends and boyfriend, Kirishima. To be frank, I haven't even told my class or Kiri, keeping a bright smile as to not hint them in on my life crashing down around me. Some days are easy to keep up my smile, to let my mind focus on something else, and then there are harder days when everything reminds me of my dad.

I was real close to him, we did a lot of fun stuff together; going to amusement parks, going out to see movies we both were really excited to watch, going out to eat at our favorite restaurants.

It still doesnt feel real after all this time. It felt just like yesterday he was perfectly fine, we were celebrating my grandma's birthday, and literally the next day, I find him stiff and eerily still in his bed. And then everything crashing down on me as the paramedics regretfully tell me that my dad was no longer of this world, when I sob into the phone to my mom that my dad was gone, when I listened to my grandma's wails as my mom told her of her son's passing.

It all felt so surreal, like if I go over to see my grandma at her house, I'll see my dad sitting there in the living room, greeting me with his smile and warm hugs and kisses.

I sob harder as I remember all the times we watched Disney movies and me crying at some scenes as my dad happily comforts me. Buying me a toy from one of the movies I adored at the time. Him gifting me a puppy when he moved into a new neighborhood and I didnt have anyone to play with.

My head's pounding, a deep pressure in my brain, as I clutch tightly to the same doll he bought me all those years ago. My screams silent as I try to keep my classmates from finding me in such a pathetic state and worrying about me, my brain not processing that everyone was still at school. I fought to take control of my emotions again, wanting to be strong for my mom, grandma, and my friends. Unknowning of the pace of my breathing as I desperately tried to grasp my emotions.

My stress and anxiety climbing higher with each panicked breath. All those late nights I stayed up studying as much as I can for the midterm exams, catching up to me. I even forsaken eating as to study so I can at least get a passing grade. And the times I didnt spend studying was spent training to try and get my mind to focus on anything rather than fully face the reality that I no longer live in a world with my dad in it.

When was the last time I had a fulfilling meal? Three days?? And the time before that?? I dont even remember, the pounding in my head preventing me from thinking too much. All I can think about is what caused this stupid meltdown in the first place, my frustrations climbing higher with my stress and anxiety.

~~~

Today was one of those days where it was hard to keep up my smile for people. In an attempt to cheer myself up, I made myself the same lunch my dad and I used to make together for later, excited to eat as this was my first actual meal in days.

As I stroll down the hallways to meet up with Kiri and the rest of the BakuSquad, someone in a rush, bumps into me full force, causing me to fall and drop my lunch on the floor. I only had a moment to grieve as I see my precious lunch splattered all over the floor before the person that bumped into me uttered a measly, rushed "sorry" before hurrying on their way, stepping my lunch in the process.

I stayed there in my position on the floor, looking at my lunch with grief. I know it was stupid to start crying over something that can be replaced with something else that Lunch Rush made, but there the crocodile tears were. My heart and mind had wanted that lunch.

Without thinking I got up and ran out of school and towards the dormitories, deaf to the calls of my fellow 3A classmates and the incoming call on my phone.

~~~

I was brought back to the present by the sound of pounding coming from my dorm door. I was still fighting for control, not able to send a reply without my sobs mixing in with my voice.

"Y/n? Are you okay?" A familiar voice sounded through the door. Of course it would be Kiri to be checking up on me. "I tried calling you to see where you were, but you didn't answer. Tsuyu told me she saw you running off upset when I went to go looking for you."

For some reason I sobbed harder, barely able to keep quiet.

"Princess/Prince, please tell me what's wrong, I'm getting really worried."

He stayed quiet for a moment, anxiously waiting for my response. And of course my body betrays me when an ugly sob wracks through my very being, unable to quiet it down.

"Princess/Prince, are you crying?!" Kiri's voice carried his panic and worry. "I'm coming in!" He warned before slamming the door open.

I barely raised my head to meet his worried crimson eyes as his giant frame took up most of the doorway, frozen. His expression falls at the sight of the giant crocodile tears running down my face, distress written all over my expression.

Without saying anything, he rushed over to my side, his big, warm hand landing on my back, immediately rubbing gentle circles as to comfort me.

"Baby, what's wrong? Tell me," he asked, voice trying to soothe me. I shook my head, unable to say or utter a word and I dropped my head again, breathing erratic. "You're hyperventilating, baby. You need to try and calm down a bit."

More sobs was the only thing I responded with. Hearing some shuffling, a moment passed before a soft calming melody sounded through the storm in my mind, along with the sound of gentle falling rain. It was the same several hour music track that I would usually listen to when something was bothering me.

I've always loved the sound of falling rain and ocean waves.

Kiri dropped his phone to the floor, letting the music wrap us in its soothing melody. He brought his hand to my cheek to gently bring my face up and face him. His expression sad as he gets a better look at my distraught, of the crocodile tears streaming down my face, of the deep sadness in my eyes.

Letting his other hand to join my face, he gently wiped away my tears as I tried to control my breathing. "Baby, you have to calm down. It's okay now, I'm here," he said in a gentle voice, bringing me up onto his lap, and wrapping his strong arms around me.

I clutch onto his uniform jacket, burying my face into his chest as I sobbed away, ruining his uniform with my tears and snot.

He gently rocked the both of us, bringing one of his hands up to my head as he softly brushed his fingers through my hair. "Shhh, baby. It's okay. It's okay," he whispered in my ear.

I don't know how long we sat there, listening to falling rain, Kiri rocking us, whispering calming words into my ear before my breathing was back to normal and my sobs turning into sniffles. Even long after I've calmed down, Kiri still held onto me tightly, grounding me from the storm whirling in my mind.

Only when I lifted up my head from his chest to look up at him did he give me a soft smile, reaching up to brush away strands of hair from my face and eyes. Then, Kiri reached over to his phone, pausing the music before turning back to me.

"Feeling better?"

I slowly nodded my head, my voice hoarse as I finally managed to give a reply, "Yeah, a little bit."

"What happened back there?" Kiri asked, his brow furrowed in worry.

Tears were already welling up in my (e/c) eyes, my bottom trembling as I fought to hold back the tears. Kiri reached up one hand to hold my chin, his thumb softly brushing my bottom lip.

"Please baby, I hate seeing you so distraught," he told me, eyes full of concern as he continued to stroke my bottom lip, as if trying to coax the words to come out, to explain what was paining me so much so he can fix it.

"I-" I stuttered, sniffling back the tears. "I miss him."

"Miss who, baby?" Kiri asked, confused.

"M-my dad," I said, voice now shaky as the tears started falling again. "I m-miss him so much."

Kiri seemed to come to the conclusion that I might have only been extremely homesick. "Why dont you go visit him today then? It's Friday, so you can just stay with him for the weekend."

I violently shook my head. "I-I can't."

"Why not, baby?" He started stroking my back again to try and comfort me.

"H-he died! Two months ago!" I sobbed, pressing my face to his chest again.

"Oh fuck. Shit, I am soo sorry baby. Why didn't you tell me?" Kiri asked, hugging me tightly to him. "I would've been there for you."

"I-I didn't w-want to w-worry y-you," I cried.

Kirishima started rocking us both again, his grip on me tighter as if trying to hold me together. "Of course I'm going to be worried baby. I have been worried about you. I noticed you've been distancing yourself for a while now, but I didn't want to make you talk when you weren't ready. God, I'm so unmanly, not realizing that you were in so much pain all this time." He placed his hand on top of my head. "I am sooo sorry, baby."

I sniffled, shaking my head. "D-Don't be. I w-was the one who d-decided not to t-tell any of you g-guys. I-it's not your f-fault."

"But why didn't you tell us baby? You know we all would've been here for you."

I shrugged. "I-I just wanted to be s-strong for y-you guys. I d-didn't want to w-worry any of you."

"Oh, babe." He pulled back enough to look at me. "You are strong. But it's okay to lean on us, on mee. Just because you're crying, doesn't make you weak. You're mourning, and its okay to cry when you're mourning. It just shows how close you are with your dad and how much you're missing him."

"But... But it feels like my fault though," I cried.

"What do you mean?" His brows furrowed again in confusion.

"I... I was there that night. The night he passed." I wiped at the tears even though it was fruitless with how the tears continued to fall. "We were all happily celebrating my grandma's birthday. We were all laughing. And I went to sleep a bit late that night. I noticed how his was position in his bed when I got up to use the bathroom, but I didnt think any of it. My dad sits in that position sometimes, and I know that he goes to sleep way later than me. And when I woke up at 11 the next morning because of my grandma calling for me, I got up to see what she needed. You remember, that my grandma cant really move around that well anymore?" I asked him.

Kiri nodded his head, remembering that I helped my grandma when the two of us had dinner with my dad and grandma. "So when I got up and headed towards her room, I saw my dad in the same position. But figured he must've just fallen asleep... Then I went to use the bathroom after helping my grandma, and when I looked closer, I noticed how swollen his feet were. I... I knew my dad was always sick and his legs getting swollen all the time, but... I-I just didnt think I'd find him like that." I cried, covering my mouth as another sob wracked threw me. "Vomit... All over the blankets and his bierd... A blood clot hanging from his nose-"

"Shhh, its okay, baby" Kiri hushed me, rubbing my back, "If it's too much for you, you don't have to explain anymore."

After waiting for my breathing to stabilize again, I continued, "I... I just feel like if I had checked up on him before I went to bed... Maybe... Maybe the paramedics would've been able to save him..."

Kiri grabbed onto my shoulders to pull me away so as to look me dead in the eyes with a stern look. "Y/n, listen to me. It is not your fault," he said firmly. "Okay? It is not your fault. Sometimes these things happen."

"But-" I started, but he cut me off.

"No but's. Okay? I know I havent known him as long as you, but I could tell from the first time I met him that he was soo proud of you. And probably still is." His words made me cry harder, my bottom lip trembling again as I tried to pull myself together in front of this amazing man in front of me. "There's no need to beat yourself up over this," Kiri said, pressing a kiss to my forehead as I started bawling my eyes out again. Kiri started rocking us again, holding me tight as I let out all my sadness and anguish.

"Shhhh... It's okay... Everything's will be okay..." He mumbled in my ear. "Let it all out."

We stayed like that for the next hour as I let out all my suffering, the scent of his cologne, the comforting words, and the sound of the music track all lulling me to sleep, my mind and body too heavy to fight it off.

~~~

I woke up to a dark room, the sun long gone over the horizon. I blearily blinked my eyes open, feeling my tears dried over the skin of my cheeks. All of a sudden, a warm hand slides under my shirt, rubbing a thumb on my stomach. A face was then buried into the back of my neck, a soft pair of lips kissing at the skin.

"Morning beautiful/handsome," came Kiri's sleep filled voice

"Mmnn what time is it?" I mumbled.

Kiri pulled away for a moment, turning to reach behind him for presumably his phone on my nightstand. Squinting at the glare of the phone, Kiri gave me an answer, "7 o'clock at night, so its just about dinner time." Dropping his phone back onto the nightstand, he resumed his position of spooning me, completely dwarfing my body with his giant frame. "You haven't ate lunch right?"

I shook my head. "Or breakfast. Or dinner last night. Or any meals for the past few days."

"What?" Kiri shot up, glaring down at me. "And the time before that?"

I shrugged, my brain too drained to think of a solid answer. "Couple days."

"Y/n!"

"I know, I know. I shouldn't be skipping my meals everyday. I should eat at least once a day."

"Is that why you look thinner? Cause you've been skipping your meals??!"

I shrug at him. "I was busy studying for the midterms. Besides I never went 3 days without eating something."

"That's not the point!" Kiri rubbed his hand down his face before looking at me with worry. "You shouldn't be skipping any meals or overworking yourself like this." He reached over to brush a lock of hair away. "Babe, my heart hurts at the thought of you not taking care of yourself."

I place my hand on top of his, leaning into his touch. "I know... I'm sorry. I didnt mean to worry you like this. I just... couldn't come to terms with reality so I busied myself to make me forget the pain. On the bright side I came up with this new, awesome ultimate move I've been dying to show you," I said with some excitement, trying to cheer him up.

He scowled sternly at me for a moment before sighing, shaking his head, any trace of worry and frustration gone from his face as a small smile took over his lips. "Alright fine." But then the stern look came back as he firmly told me, "But I'm not letting you skip any meals anymore, even if I have to force you to eat. And you're not doing no studying or training this weekend."

"Wait, but-" I tried to counter, stopped when the stern look in his eyes intensified.

"No if's, and's or but's. Unless its yours up in the air as I fuck you so hard you wont be able to do anything this weekend but relax."

I blushed and swallowed loudly. "Good, now wait here while I go get you a plate. Bakugou's supposed to be cooking tonight." He leaned down to plant a kiss on my lips. Then another. Then another and another before pulling away only slightly to look into my eyes with that familiar dark look in his eyes, a smirk forming on his handsome face. "Maybe I should grab you two plates. You're going to need it for fuel for tonight."

My faced burned as I realized what he meant. He chuckled darkly before standing up and walking towards the door. "I'll be back in a few. And you better be stripped down to nothing by the time I get back." Turning back towards me with a seductive look. "Don't you worry about a thing, baby girl/boy. Daddy's going to take real good care of you this weekend." Then he opened the door and stepped out, closing the door behind him.

I gulped loudly, already feeling that familiar heat down below.

It was going to a long weekend.

[thistangledbrain]

Day 19 & 20!

Day 19 - “I hate it when...”

As you’ve gleaned from prior posts, I hate it when you forget autism is a developmental disorder and not an intellectual one. We are so. Fucking. Tired. Of being treated as lesser, or like we don’t understand what you’re saying to us.

Outside of the reactions to others’ behavior, though, I have some personal “I hate it when”...I’ve let you into my mind and told you what I appreciate about how my brain works, but there are things I don’t like, for sure.

I hate that personal stressor things trigger a toddler-like need to SHUT DOWN. Like writing this blog, for example...the vulnerability I feel usually leads to a need to go to sleep for a long time, once I’m finished. Or after a long day socializing. I don’t want to talk to anyone, I don’t want to engage my brain anymore, I just need to shut all systems down and sleep. Especially if there’s been a meltdown (meltdown—->shutdown)...and oh boy do I hate meltdowns. They’re really rare, thank dog.

I hate that my executive function is an absolute bag of ass. This is probably the biggest thing I would change. It got infinitely worse when my disability got bad (EDS), for some reason. And it drives me up the damn wall.

I hate my low function days/moments. It’s like my brain just won’t kick into gear, or the gears and wheels are rusty and grinding, & it’s rather anxiety inducing. I usually “hide” on my low days, sometimes in my darkened bedroom, and watch favorite shows or movies, or get lost in a good book - if I can. On low days I find myself re-reading crap constantly because it’s not making any sense, so I’ll even avoid complicated recipes...I have no idea why these days/moments happen, but boy do they piss me off/make me anxious (that’s kind of the same thing for me. My anxiety nearly always manifests as anger). On my low days, you’ll see (if you were a fly on the wall, because I suppress this even around my own family), me walking in tight, anxious figure 8’s and flapping my hands in a distressed way, as I anxiously try to mentally kick my brain into gear. (It doesn’t work, but it IS a little soothing. And my dogs are SO sweet...they gather around me tightly and just seem to know I need them.)

🤷🏻‍♀️ There’s probably more I could expound on that I don’t like, but writing this one has been pretty distasteful. I try not to dwell on things I hate anymore, so I’ve put this entry down multiple times and come back to it when I’m in a decent frame of mind. I think I’m tired of talking about it now, so I’m gonna just stop talking.....

Which is a good segue into Day 20 -

————————————-

“Communication”

Ahh communication. This entry will be long, because I have a lot to communicate LOL....

Personally, I write far more coherently and eloquently than I speak. My brain goes too fast...I often trip over words; my brain’s three steps ahead of what’s coming out of my mouth and I get scrambled sometimes. I can also take the time to think about what I want to say/HOW I want to say it. Like many autistics, I’m a blurter. LOL...I am constantly trying to remind myself, just because I think it, doesn’t mean I have to say it. This gets a LOT of us in trouble...one of my most memorable examples is, I *loudly* blurted “that’s BULLSHIT!!” in a church one time. (I was speaking on how my devout Methodist grandmother, who regularly takes communion at her church, was not permitted to receive communion in a Catholic church, merely because she isn’t Catholic, despite the fact that this woman is all about some Jesus & a devoted churchgoer - not just on Easter and Christmas.) In my defense, it WAS (IS) bullshit. I just didn’t need to practically yell that in church. As you can imagine, it was like a needle scratching across a record & everyone turned to stare. (My poor husband rescued me.) 🤦🏻‍♀️ Sigh. It’s a good idea to keep me out of most church services.

I am rather famous (infamous?) for calling bullshit straight to someone’s face, BLUNTLY. It’s out of my mouth before my brain’s “tact gatekeeper” I’ve spent over a decade trying to train is even half awake at his post (it’s a him because my husband is the one who taught me how to use tact in the first place. And it’s a him because said “gatekeeper” is lazy and falls asleep on the job all the time 😆). Have you ever just blurted your honest thoughts and heard shocked gasps or someone just busts out laughing? Yeah. That happens to me regularly. Or uncomfortable chuckles and someone will blink a few times and say, “oohhhkay, well, you could said that a different way.” (My old response to that was, I’m not responsible for what your reaction is to what I say...you’re in charge of your own feelings. I *understand* now how irresponsible and unfeeling that is, and I try to keep that in the front of my mind, even when I’m frustrated and nearly burning up with the desire to speak my thoughts in their raw form, but this is routinely an area I struggle to adapt to...and I am very sorry when I hurt someone I care about.)

On the other side of this same coin though, this is a trait my friends respect deeply, because I’m not cruel hearted or anything. You always know where you stand with me, and I’m the last person to try and lie to you. I SUUUUUCK at lying. And on the rare times when I do, I usually end up eventually telling on myself (this drove my older stepsister NUTS when we were kids, because she liked to do lots of sneaky things, and I don’t have an inherently sneaky nature LOL...so “DO NOT tell momma” was a *serious* risk for her, if she let me tag along 😂). Lying to someone just feels disgusting. Oily. Shameful. I hate lying. Plus, my short term memory is a grabasstic bag of CRAP, so there’s a good chance I won’t remember the lie and get caught anyway. 🤷🏻‍♀️ My boys also suck at lying or hiding stuff, and generally prefer not to...but I also give them a safe forum to be honest. (I’m sure there’s LOTS of crap I don’t know, but you’d be surprised how much they DO tell me.)

Another thing with me personally is that I go mute sometimes. I’m not being deliberately obstinate. I’m not REFUSING to speak in those moments...sometimes I literally can’t, and the effort of doing so will make me gag, or even projectile vomit. Sounds very dramatic, doesn’t it? It is. (And it annoys the SHIT out of me.) There’s not a fucking thing i can do about it. The movement of my tongue in my mouth will literally begin to trigger my gag reflex, and if I try to power through it, I’m rewarded with my lunch returning to the surface anyway, regardless of my desires, and sometimes rather unexpectedly & violently. USUALLY this happens when I’m uber stressed, but sometimes it seems kind of out of the blue & catches even me off guard. If this happens but I still have something to say, I start texting instead, and explain. Most people - especially my hubby - are very kind when this happens. (I don’t want your pity, I just want you to switch to written communication for a minute until I can figuratively kick the fuck out of the engine in my “speaking center” and get it to work again.) Other times, I will literally get tired of talking. Like my mouth and tongue - and somehow, the “word forming” part of my brain feels physically exhausted (weird, I know, but I also spend the vast majority of my life silent - I am home alone all day, hate talking on the phone, and simply don’t speak much, by choice. So maybe it is actual “mouth fatigue” 😂😂😂 - I’ve stopped eating before because I just got tired of chewing, too, even though I’m still somewhat hungry. 🙄) I am usually *perfectly* happy to keep listening! And I’ll stay engaged in the conversation usually. I am just...done audibly talking. I’ll literally say “my mouth is tired of making the sounds now, but please keep going”...but I think my husband is the only one who doesn’t find this unusual, and rolls with it. It usually happens after a long, animated conversation...instead of winding down, though, it just..stops. If I try to keep going, cue the gagging. I can stay engaged in the conversation if you let me start writing/typing instead of speaking, for my responses. So that’s a “fun” little trait of mine that many neurotypicals find unsettling. Please don’t take it personally. My mouth just doesn’t want to make the words anymore - and I’m probably mostly done adding what I needed to add to the conversation anyway. I’m a great listener when this happens, though. 😆

Communication is a really interesting thing with all of us, because it’s a struggle on one level or another. I will tell you, it’s a frequent topic in my groups. “WHY CAN’T NEUROTYPICALS JUST SAY WHAT THE FUCK THEY MEAN?!?! 😩😩😩” I’m dead serious - you might think, because we’re sensitive (generally), we can’t “handle” it? You’d be so very wrong. What we can’t handle is when you dance around a subject or we have to try and translate what you just said to us (which most of us are not that good at). Just fucking say it! Nine times out of ten, you’ll just get a look of dawning realization and a “oh, shit, okay” response. We can handle it. Just. Say. It. We’ll respect you a lot more in the morning, LOL 😆

I think every autistic has some sort of beef with neurotypicals when it comes to communication (as I’m sure you have yours with us, obviously).

You guys operate under some weird ass rules that we simply don’t understand - especially if you don’t tell us those rules & just expect us to know. Like, if my husband hadn’t patiently taken years to show/teach me how the way I said certain things were hurtful, I would still be in the “yeah she’s cool but she’s kind of an asshole” territory. (I still struggle to grasp this, or at least it still frustrates me....truth is truth, whether it’s an ironclad general fact or your own personal truth - and yes sometimes the truth hurts, but like...I don’t pin any responsibly for that on the truth teller, if that makes sense?)

Working in rescue also helped hone my ability to speak “neurotypically” to others - I work with a LOT of women, and boy do a lot of them NOT appreciate when you bluntly tell them what you think. Men on the other hand....

I know *lots* of autistic women who prefer friendships with men, largely centering around this communication thing. We hurt men’s feelings a little less regularly than other women’s. I know I was like that, until I got a little more used to how I have to modify my communication with most women (but that annoys me, I’m gonna be honest - it annoys my Autie friends, too). The only time I am as starkly blunt as I used to be, is when speaking to my female Autie friends (because they can handle it), or most of the dudes I’m friends with. But if my message is getting “lost in the sauce” and you’re not getting my point, I usually give a frustrated sigh, WARN you that I’m about to tell you flatly what I need to say, because we aren’t getting anywhere, and just say it.

Yes I am the friend who, when you gush on and on about your new back yard bred puppy, talking all about how you’re gonna breed him when he grows up, is gonna flatly say “he’s not breeding quality”, if they’re not. Then I’m gonna ask you why you want to do such a thing, given that you’re aware of the massive load of rescue dogs (PARTICULARLY Great Danes and Cane Corsos) - and probably beat your argument down every step of the way. That doesn’t always go badly though - one of my closest friends was considering breeding their dog, and while it was a beautiful dog, it was not one that should reproduce (from an “improve the breed” perspective). We barely knew each other, but I gained a reputation for being kind but starkly honest...and I knew what I was talking about...and now I have this person’s deep respect, and they have mine (because they listened and did the research I asked them to - and did not add to the breed population). So it’s not *always* a trainwreck, because the people who end up respecting how I communicate, usually end up VERY close friends. AND I WANT THAT IN RETURN, which is refreshing for a LOT of people. I want your dead honesty in return - PLEASE. It’s so much easier for me to process and accept. For example, my house is almost constantly in some sort of disarray. I have one friend who will come in and go, “girl. I almost can’t breathe in here - this clutter is too much”(and then she offers to help me tackle it!!).

Or, fairly recently, “oh my god those curtains are so horrible, I hope you’re getting rid of those when you redo this room.”

“But I MADE those curtains! I love that print!”

“Ugh. No. They’re terrible. Get rid of them.”

My feelings were not hurt in the LEAST (I of course had a flash of “you bitch, I was so excited to find that print and I MADE THOSE, ya jerk” 😂). At first I said, “well you’re just gonna have to suck it up and deal with my shitty curtains, because I like them” 😂, but then as I was redoing the room, I took them down...and it DID look a lot better, so I left them down 😂😂😂....

So I guess my point with all this is: every autie I know deeply wishes you’d just fucking spit it out. We WILL often miss or misinterpret the point if you “fluff” it too much (around my neck of the woods, we call it putting too much gild on the lily, though I’ve never understood that one. Idk if a “gilded lily” is/was ever a thing, why anyone would gild a lily in the first place...LOTS of us struggle with colloquialisms that don’t make literal sense. 😆 Recently a friend was baffled over “shit in one hand and wish in the other and see which fills up faster”, and fully half of the respondents to her post were people baffled by why anyone would shit in their hand - I and a couple others had to explain, and it just ended with them going “well that’s a fucking stupid saying anyway, and wishes aren’t things you can put in your hands, either” 😂😂😂...but I’m from the south, and these things are just part of our vocab. MOST of them are easy to grasp for me, like “nervous as a long tailed cat in a room full of rocking chairs”, because I immediately picture it and can grasp the meaning. But others I don’t get - the gilded lily is one LOL)...

We are LITERAL AS FUCK. It’s why we ruin lots of jokes, too. My poor husband is the dad joke king - and I ruin fully 1/3 or more of his jokes by being too literal (which he also finds amusing, so that’s good). Sometimes we realize we’re ruining the joke but we don’t care, because it’s dumb, or we just .... can’t....HELP IT. 😩😂

Jeez, I could almost write all day about autistics and communication LOL!!

But to summarize (and not succinctly, sorry), I guess, for me and many many others...we are often blunt, direct, almost painfully honest, and very, very literal. Your unspoken rules of communication absolutely go over our heads, unless you - yannow - *communicate* and explain them. We’ll probably tell you those rules are stupid and exhausting, but we will TRY and stick to it as best we can. But see, we literally have to think about every single word that comes out of our mouths, because we communicate far more directly than you weird fuckers do. And it is literally actually exhausting. It’s not an easily natural thing for us to adapt to, your weird way of saying things but not saying what you really mean. You’re wasting a LOT of words there, sir, and we are now getting obsessively confused over why you would do such a thing. 😂 It’s also why I keep getting banned from Facebook. My recent one was because I said - in one of my Autie “safe” groups, where I should be able to just say what I mean - that I tend to punch or want to punch people who deliberately startle the shit out of me. We were talking about how stupid April Fool’s Day was, and how we hate pranks. Three of us got banned for 30 days for just...well. Facebook called it “incitement of violence”. 🙄🥺🖕🏼🖕🏼🖕🏼🖕🏼🖕🏼🖕🏼🖕🏼🖕🏼

But I haven’t met - yet, maybe? - an autistic person who is cruel natured - not one of us gets any joy from being a bully type. WE feel everything on a higher level, so we kind of assume you do, too...you might think, “then why are you such an asshole?!”, but it’s simply that we - or every Autie I know, anyway - struggle to grasp how directly communicating your feelings is so fuckin hard or hurtful for y’all. I think anyone struggles to grasp something they themselves don’t experience. All you have to do is explain, though, and keep guiding us towards communicating in ways that we both find acceptable. I mean we’re champs at accepting all manner of different human - regardless of race, sexuality, and so on - but the communication is one area that frustrates the ever loving SHIT out of most of us, because it makes so little logical sense why anyone would say a bunch of useless words that muddy up their intent.

My closing advice? Help Your Pet Autie ™️ (this is absolutely a tongue in cheek term btw) understand how you’d like to be communicated with, and guide us. BE SPECIFIC for fucks sake - we suck at guessing what you might want, and it’s so frustrating that we’ll often just stop communicating at all. Instead of saying “it hurts me when you say this”, try saying “the WAY you said this hurt my feelings because of ____. Maybe you could put it like this instead” (or, “you know, you should really just keep shit like that to yourself”) and *give examples*. Don’t expect us to come up with different ways of saying shit, because we don’t understand what it is specifically you want, and it’s not very logical, therefore it’s not “natural” for us. Plus, everyone is different. I can’t talk to one of my sons the same way I can talk to the other, without certain negative reactions. Give us a chance to know your needs - we DO CARE!!! - but be CLEAR. I know in your world, tact is a big deal, but MOST of us will miss the fucking point if you’re too tactful (and when we misinterpret, we always err on the side of worst case scenario, and make the issue wayyyyy bigger than it should be. Being clear is soooo important).

And hey. Maybe it’ll help clear up some communication in other areas of your life. Being clear isn’t a license to be a fucking asshole; nobody’s giving you a license to unleash on everyone about how much you can’t stand humans...if WE hafta be quiet about that, so do you lmao...fair’s fair. 😆 But quit hedging and hinting and hoping we will pick up on the whatever your grievance is - because we won’t. We’ll just know you’re unhappy, and start panicking over guessing what we did wrong, and just shut down, because we have no idea.

Just. Fucking. Say it. 😘

[tardytothepardy]

Fruits Basket - Vol 17

I am,,, confused. Thoroughly. Did I read this too fast? Am I misunderstanding? This book felt like a series of "What? Huh? What? Huh? What? Whuhh?? Huhhhhh?????" and I am kinda bewildered.

So let's talk about it,,, somehow.

It starts with Shigure and Hatori talking about Akito's meltdown at New Year's, and how apparently Shigure tried to comfort Akito, but Akito was having none of it. The topic of Kureno came up, and how he just seems off, disconnected, in a sense, and also how Akito seems to have chosen Kureno above all the other Juunishi.

Panning over to Kureno, in the previous book Momiji gave him the CD of the play, "Sorta Cinderella". He seemed pretty affected by the things that Uotani said, but they also reminded him of moments with Akito, when he was younger. He calls Shigure later, asking for Tohru, which Shigure finds odd. What business would the two of them have? But it turns out that later, Tohru does run into Kureno, on her way to the store. She was squatting next to a bunch of birds, and when he showed up, they flew away. This is important at all, because that isn't what usually happens to the animals that the Juunishi share a spirit with (agh how to phrase things), in fact it's the opposite. Tohru asks Kureno about this, and then he solidifies any questions by hugging her and,,,, nothing happens. Somehow, he isn't affected by the curse. It has no hold on him, he won't turn into a bird (I suppose a rooster, specifically, which is kinda sad bc I was looking forward to that, in a little way. It'd be funny, if nothing else) if he gets really weak or sick, or if he hugs someone of the opposite sex.

Tohru asks him how this happened, and when, but Kureno doesn't really know. It happened randomly one day, a while back, but he has no idea was triggered it. It's just that, one day, he was vibin, doing his thing, and it just happened. No one else in the family knows, he's just been pretending that he's still a Juunishi. Kureno also said that he can't be with Uotani, that the CD was a wasted attempt, because he's promised to be with and take care of another person, that person being Akito. Kureno makes it clear, though, that he still does care for Uotani, but he just can't be with her. This whole time, it's been switching between the current interaction between Kureno and Tohru, and flashing back to when Kureno first realized that the curse broke for him, and Akito was just fucking losing his mind, screaming and shit. He begged for Kureno to stay, regardless of the curse (btw, at this point, Kureno's a teenager, and Akito's still a little kid, so it was a little while ago), and Kureno said that he would promise to stay with Akito, stay by his side, pretend that he's still a Juunishi, etc.

And then, at the end of the chapter, something is revealed: apparently Akito's a girl. To be honest, I'm not really sure what to do with this information. As far as I can remember, it doesn't really have much to do with anything. Why has he (she? fuck. I have no idea.) been presenting as a boy this whole time? Because his mom forced him, since he was born. Why did she do that? I don't know, it didn't say in this book. Hopefully it fucking clarifies later on, because I'm just getting vibes from that one Insidious movie, with that ghost/demon person. Wasn't that their deal? Something like that. Reversed, but something like that. Idk, I was too busy being scared shitless to think about the intricacies of the plot.

Anyway, so Akito's apparently a girl, but has been raised as a boy. Four of the Juunishi know this: Shigure, Hatori, Ayame, and Kureno, because they were all kids when Akito was born. Apparently, when Akito's mom (her name is Ren) was pregnant with Akito, they all came to her and were crying and shit, acting super weird. Like, they all just knew that Akito would be the God.

As a fun side note, Ren and Akito fucking hate each other. Just,, so much. Is there a person in the Sohma family that doesn't have familial issues, because it just seems like there are a lot of people who do. I think maybe Kagura doesn't? I haven't seen anything saying she has issues. Nothing much has been said about Shigure's, Hatori's, or Kureno's families, so maybe they're okay? I dunno, but one of the things that specifically shows up between Ren and Akito, is that Ren does not believe in the "bond" that Akito and the rest of the Juunishi have, saying that it's a fake love, that, if given the choice, the Juunishi would not behave or treat Akito the way they do, which is kinda true. From what I read about when Yuki first met Akito, there were a lot of conflicting feelings, ranging from "I hate you but also I never want to be away from you" to "This is hell on earth just being near this person but also to be away from this person is agony", and like, whoa. That's a lot. I doubt it's like that at all anymore, but there has been some mentions that Akito does have some higher hold on the Juunishi than other people do.

All this said and done, I still want to know more. I am heavily curious. I'd like to know more about Akito's whole situation. I'm glad he's not just a one-dimensional "bad guy", but dang, some of this stuff, it just feels like it's coming out of left field. (Is that a baseball thing? That sounds like a baseball thing. Idioms are weird.)

By the time that Kureno leaves, Tohru's a wreck. She's crying, and confused, and just,,, yikes. (I kinda was too, but just the confused part.) And so who comes to the rescue than Hanajima, and also Hanajima, but the small one. (I realized recently that most of these people are referred to by their first names, except for like, Uotani and Hanajima, which makes sense. A massive swath of these characters would all be "Sohma". It'd be confusing as fuck. But still. Idk) Hanajima felt Tohru's sheer confusion and despair, and Megumi tagged along because why not, y'know?

Hanajima decided that Tohru would stay with her for the night, so that she and Tohru and Uotani could all talk stuff out about what Tohru was upset about. Unfortunately for Shigure, Yuki and possibly Kyo? I don't think he was home at the time but maybe??, that meant that Tohru wasn't making dinner. So Yuki potentially gave Shigure and himself food poisoning, but hey, it's better than takeout, right? (Seriously, Tohru's back must be tired from cooking, cleaning, doing the laundry, and dealing with everyone's emotional baggage, she's doing so much. And she still has her own personal shit that she does, like,,, how hasn't she lost her shit yet??)

Tohru says that Kureno was kind, in that he was looking out for other people's feelings and wellfare before his own, and Hanajima says that she (Tohru) does the same thing (which is what Uotani first saw in Kureno, and why she thought that he was like Tohru), but Hanajima worries that the more that Tohru does that, the more that she carries the worries and troubles of other people, it could end up hurting her. (We love a caring friend that cares) In the end, Uotani tells Tohru that it's okay, that she cares more about the relationships she has now than whatever she might have had with Kureno, which was nice.

Moving onwards, the school is making preparations for graduation! I don't think Tohru and Co. are graduating quite yet (maybe they are idk), but there are these paper flowers that they're making, and for some reason, shenanigans ensue. Like, a group of girls just nabbing a bunch of flowers that Kyo made?? Why? That's really weird of you to do. Stop that. (They were tracked down and forced to make up for all the flowers they stole, because for some reason they wouldn't give back the flowers they stole.) It's kinda weird, I forgot that Kyo is also kinda popular with girls, because usually we only hear from the girls that fawn over Yuki. But yeah, that's a thing for Kyo, as well. Weird, either way.

Now we are at the last chunk of the book, hooray! This isn't as long as the previous one 😬. So, Shigure and Akito got something weird going on. I'm not really sure what to think of it, honestly. Apparently Shigure slept with Ren, and Akito kicked him out of the main house as a punishment, which Shigure did not fight back at all. (wow that was not a large section at all i totally didn't just lose steam and stop right there at all nope not me i don't do that not at all)

I'll admit that part of me is still kinda,, squeamish? I guess? about people in the Sohma household being in relationships, it's just that they all have "Sohma", that is probably messing me up. Idk. It's definitely not a healthy relationship. All kinds of weird tensions and miscommunication abound. It's not a good time.

[naturaldisasterfanfiction]

26. Part 3

Looking around my daughter’ room, I just need to know I have everything ready for her. Like I am just being random, but I just woke up because I needed to pee but then it came to mind, have I got everything I needed. I know I did, I got everything, but I need to make sure I got plenty of diapers, but I am just wondering. I am more than happy with this room, she is getting everything I never got, and she is a queen, will be treated like one. Chris has yet to do the crib in our room, you never know we may keep her in our room for a while, but this room is perfection, it looks like a queen is giving birth to a future princess, but she is. She is super lucky; her room is direct opposite of our room. Because the way the stairs come up, it breaks the rooms up in a way, but her room is opposite ours which I like but I know this whole house would need babyproofing badly, everything here is not childproof at all, it’s scary. But I should go back to bed, but I will just go down, I did sleep better then I usually do so that is ok and that is thanks to Chris for snuggling me, putting the cream on me and also giving up his side of the bed. I am lucky to have him with me, I sighed out turning back on myself. I feel myself waddling, it’s actually not cute but I am waddling now. I did think I would have an easier pregnancy, like the model type but in real life I am a mess. I have not got ready for much, just Chris coming back, I don’t feel sexy like Chris says but Chris has no filter, he would say it to me in a joke, but he hasn’t so maybe it is just me feeling it.

The blinds rose up automatically as I got down the steps, one of many fancy things this place has which I like. It senses its morning and the sun is rising so the first person that comes down triggers to put the blinds up, let me open the door for the dog. He is probably waiting on someone to open the door so he can come up. It’s a little cold downstairs, looking out of the window, oh it’s snowed a little so no wonder. Opening the door for the downstairs “Zeus, come up boy” I said, he will come up when he pleases, I been contemplating on if I should get my chef back in my life, I think I may do it until I am back to normal functioning life but maybe I can just do it myself, why can’t I just be a normal pregnant woman. Hearing the scurrying behind me, either Chris cuts his hair, or he gets some professional. The dog’ hair is long as fuck “morning” Zeus always sniffs my bump, I don’t know why “yes, it’s a baby in there. Shall we cook breakfast, you don’t want to go out today. It’s cold out there” Zeus walked with me side by side to the kitchen, I am getting used to this big thing now, he’s not all that bad, he is better then Chris anyways because he keeps me company for longer then he does when sleeping, Chris moves off after a while.

Bopping my head along to the radio playing in the background as I made breakfast for all “hey Google, can you wake up the house” I said aloud, we going to wake up the house without walking up no stairs. I can’t wait for this home to be filled, after the baby born then I can start having my people back, holiday will be over. I can get family here to see me, it’s just going to be good vibes “waking everyone up now” I like the Google shit I have in this home, looking down on the floor, Zeus is laying there and doesn’t move unless I leave the room. It’s hard to get him to go downstairs, he doesn’t move at all because he wants to come with me but it’s very protective of him, I like that “oh, not heard this in a while” as No Guidance started to play on the radio, going to my phone. Mel has been texting me, she misses me for once. We are usually in each other’s pockets but since being married and pregnant this is the main priority in my life, but things will be back to normal, she will be back soon. Unlocking my phone, tapping on Instagram. Tapping on the plus sign and adding to my story, aiming my camera at Zeus and panning to the cooker and stopped it, tapping in a caption ‘who needs a man when you got this big ball of fluff’ pressing send, let them have a meltdown over that, which barely shows much.

“Robbie, I don’t like this loud noise that be waking up. It’s not nice” my mom is the first to come down “but you’re here, I made breakfast for us. I hope the boys come down next” my mom is not impressed, she is not impressed because the way she has come down with her wig lopsided and a robe on “come here mommy” walking around the counter “you look very happy today Robyn” fixing her wig “I am” pressing a kiss to her forehead “I am in less pain, and I just saw a different side to Chris. Like you know he is an idiot, every time he is stupid about things” moving back from my mom “I had a warm bath like the nurse said, he helped me out of the bathtub, so I don’t fall. He watched me that I didn’t fall in the bathroom on the marble flooring then, I didn’t want him to do it. Like I was nervous about it and I wanted the pads, but I did it, he put cream there where it’s hurting. I was scared because what if he did it wrong, but he didn’t, he was so gentle with me mom, and it was then I knew how much he loves me, like that love is deep to be doing that. For anyone” my mom’ eyes widened “he did that?” my mom said “he did, like he did it. I wouldn’t even get my own mother to do that, just the nurse because they are trained in that and generally, partners don’t do it?” my mom looks impressed “and you feel better too?” nodding my head “he has impressed me, not even your own father would do that” I chuckled.

They eventually came down; I mean I did need to call Dennis twice, but he finally came down “the pancake is cold” raising an eyebrow looking at Chris “you came down late? The hell you want me to do. Warm it up for you when I am eating myself?” Chris nodded his head “your thighs are warm enough” rolling my eyes at him “I heard what you did for my daughter, it just brings me so much peace that you will be there for her. No matter what people say about you, they don’t know you and I am so happy with you. That is something many men will not do for their partners, even be here for them like this. You are someone many don’t know, the real you” I died a little inside, my mom is mentioning it at the table “did Chris make your butt better?” Dennis snorted laughing “be quiet you!” Chris looked shocked, he was not expecting that “uh thank you Monica, it wasn’t a choir for me. I did it because it’s what is right for her, with Robyn I would do anything for her. I know she felt a little weird about it but like I seen it. she is the only one I would do that for. Like I joke about it, but I would. I know like how it will be for her; she will take lots of rest. She seems happy so I am happy” the buzzer went off for the gate “I will check” Chris said, nodding my head “things are quiet, don’t you think?” I said to Dennis “to you! You’re in your bubble” Dennis said laughing “things are still a mess, oh girl. Nothing is quiet, Roc Nation seemed to have tried to handle it weird enough. I think they are scared of you; they are scared on what is next” they should be “it’s a parcel, I will get it” Chris got up “cool, probably for the baby. I be ordering a lot of shit” which I have been, some things I don’t think I needed to get.

Furrowing my eyebrows “where that nigga go?” it’s so quiet and he never came back “so I was thinking, we could sell this to Netflix. Remember how Amazon outbid Netflix but I think with this we should aim for Netflix” pulling a face “but Amazon, I like them. As a team, they are very much involved. See what happens, I am warming to the idea anyways. I am just literally counting down the days until this lady is here, I feel it so much Dennis, the tightening. The heaviness. I feel my pussy is coming out” Dennis laughed out “he is so sweet Robyn; I have to say it again. I am in shock, to hear he did that for you. I am happy to go back once this is over” my mom is so impressed with Chris, Dennis looked behind me and then I felt a hand on my shoulder “there is so much mail Robyn, like there is boxes of things. Also the team are fixing the tree up for us” looking up at Chris “I didn’t do that, really? Where is the stuff?” I mean I have been ordering but not that much “in the hallway, just filled. I see some Fenty boxes too, and also Adidas. Maybe they are gifts” my eyes lit up “I love gifts, I want to see” getting up from the chair “come and help me” looking up at Chris “and I need you to shave this stubble” I grinned at him.

I gasped “oh my god, what is all this!?” I half shouted, “can you like move it all to the second living room, because the people are doing the tree aren’t they?” Chris sighed out “man, do I have too. Is Dennis going to help me?” turning around “I will help you there brother Chris” I laughed at this bromance, they have bonded “I think this is gifts from Bey, she has some new line from Adidas and I remember seeing the box so that is it. I won’t be able to fit in that yet. That is Dior” I know these boxes “also that is Fendi, why did these all come at the same time. Roc Nation too? Chile, what they sent us” I am scared about that box now, it’s probably some dead rat in here, they hate my ass “how does that dickhead know we live here?” Chris said, seeing the box “OVO, ok then. Erm, possibly Mel may have, I am not sure but Jay Brown knows where I live, I did tell him” Chris is not impressed, Chris is picking at the tape to open it “he has a fucking nerve to do that, he wrote a whole diss track about you” Chris managed to rip it open, I wonder what he gave and the nerve of him anyways. Taking the packet from him “a baby grow” I held up and then looking into the box “he’s given baby clothes” looking up at Chris “he disrespected you so badly, that shit has pissed me. He fucking made a diss song about you” Chris is so angry “there is a note” taking it out before Chris did, opening up the note “It’s handwritten too” oh this is Drake’ handwriting “wait there!” I pointed at Chris, he is ready to come and get it at me “Rihanna, I spent days thinking about you. I spent moments where I cried, I was hurt, and I made a bad decision to make such a song. I am sorry and I hope you are happy even if it’s not with me, I want the best for you because in my eyes you are queen. Accept the gifts from October’s Very Own, and I can’t help but think Adonis will have a play friend now and we can meet and just have kid day. Love Aubrey” looking up at Chris “not even a mention of Chris?” Dennis said, oh Chris is mad “no” I pointed at him.

This is wrong but we don’t need trouble “Chris listen to me” he went to get his phone “Chris, do not and I mean do not post anything! We don’t with that, we have moved on. We are not going to write any Instagram post, because I will” Chris furrowed his eyebrows confused at what I meant “I will post some shady shit, not you. What he did was wrong. I am shocked he had the nerve to send that, he knows you are here with me. He also knows you are the father, just don’t’ get involved. I will do it. Please move the things in there” Chris will do it and then it will be something bigger, I will do it because I know what he did and I know he fucking tried to make a song about me “just calm down, help him Dennis” taking the note with me walking off, I don’t think it’s the best idea to ever get Chris to do that, not when I am trying to help rebuild his profile so people can like him again, I don’t want them to say look at the man she is with “what is it?” my mom asked “Drake” holding the note up “he didn’t mention Chris in this, he made a diss song about me. He shamed me in that studio, he didn’t know that Chris was the father, but he does now” placing the note on the kitchen counter, taking a picture of the note “so what are you going to do baby?” my mom asked “I am going to write a nice little thank you” typing out the caption ‘Octobers very own bitch sending me gifts when you wrote a diss track about me, this fatherless child doesn’t need owl for clothes! She is ok and she kindly declined the dinner date, she doesn’t like blondes boo. Imagine being such a pussy all your life that you then bully a pregnant woman….. Trash!’ pressing send, I want to say more but then I am causing havoc.

Dennis took the picture of me with all the gifts that are for my daughter, I am super happy about this, I didn’t expect it “Roc Nation doing baby grows and shit, or was that just to be cute” Chris is never happy “it works, Chris standing there complaining looks good” Dennis crouched down to me, I am like drowning in kids clothes “mhmm, it does actually. Chris, you better post a thank you, I mean it. Send it to my phone, Chris help me up” this what happens I try to be cute on the floor, now I can’t get up. Chris yanked the hood off my head “hiding in the jacket” I smiled at him “let me pick you up, don’t get up. You might hurt yourself” before I could disagree he picked me up “don’t drop me, am I heavy” the face he pulled, I am heavy for him “no” he placed me on the couch “thank you baby, I am super shocked at the gift that have been sent” Dennis held my phone to me “write the caption, and Chris, I sent the picture to you also” I hide my face with he hood on the jacket and hid my bump, I look a mess but they still know it’s me ‘Thank you, thank you, thank you! For all of the gifts sent by everyone. So many to name, this could be a long post but thank you to my Barbados family for the gifts, all of the toys, auntie the outfits are the cutest. To @kimkardashian and Kanye, her first Yeezy’s and all of the Yeezy clothing, thank you. @Beyonce @Adidas the baby grows are the cutest, Also to @Fendi @Dior @Burberry @blackpyramidofficial and my record label @rocnation my family. And such surprise from @Fenty, these unique baby clothing that my team have made, you know I would love that. I am so blessed with love and support. We are thankful!’ that is long “you done?” I asked Chris “I put thank you everyone now my back hurts from moving the boxes” shaking my head at him, he is stupid.

Poking my lips out, I feel like a baby with diaper rash because I mean it was bad enough Chris had to do it last time but it’s another night and we have to do it again “are you ready? I am going back down after, Dennis and I are playing pool” nodding my head “sure, I love the tree by the way. It makes me all gooey inside because it’s Christmas and I love Christmas. I didn’t feel it but now I do, and I get to spend it with my husband” I am super happy about the tree “it’s ok, well I wanted you to feel it. Oh and I saw the picture you posted; I was shocked. Why?” he posted a very personal picture of me, like I wasn’t even looking for him but we was sat in the living room, I was talking to my mom but I look so well, like I feel I don’t but I am just concentrating on the conversation, I don’t hate the picture but I am glad he didn’t get me looking fat “you like it? I was just playing around with my phone and I realised it was a dope picture. I was like that fucking dickhead deserves a beating for that shit. He disrespected me” he got me choked up “it was very loving from you Chris, I loved the picture and the caption, thank you” I am so loved by him “it was nothing, come on. Get on the bed” smiling at Chris “no wait, let me read the caption again” unlocking my phone, it’s the cutest “go on then, than I can put it on” such a softie he is, letting me waste his time “You said she is for everybody but she is for me, you know Rihanna but I know Robyn. That really warmed my heart thank you” Chris kissed my forehead, I love him so much.

[toxicpineapple]

my (personal favourite) writings from 2019

I don’t have anything for January because I guess I didn’t write/didn’t post anything then? At any rate, here are my favourite writings from every month of 2019.

---

February:

https://archiveofourown.org/works/17764769/chapters/41916899 : “To Give Life Meaning”, a 5+1 things Hinanami fic I wrote over the course of several days, mostly at night. The honourific situation with this one is messy and there are the beginnings of a lot of good lines? Like I know what I was trying to say. But it’s not the kind of thing that I would be happy posting nowadays. (Ignore the fact that it says it was completed in September of this year; I went through nine months later and separated the different sections into chapters so that it would be easier to read. I wrote and published all of it back in February.) This was the second Danganronpa fic I ever wrote.

Content warnings: Contains talk of suicide, and mentions of being suicidal. Generally in the past tense. Nobody is proactive in this fic.

---

March:

https://archiveofourown.org/works/18232343 : “Hold his hand”, the very first Amasai one-shot I ever wrote. I got the idea for this one late at night thinking about how Shuichi would react if his mom died. I was actually going to write this with Ryoma comforting him, or Kiyo maybe, but I ended up doing Rantaro because I watched all of his FTEs with Shuichi and was like… I do like this green man. Anyway, I’m glad I did, because if I hadn’t I don’t know if the Amasai series would… even exist. That’s really weird to think about.

Content warnings: Minor character death on the part of Shuichi’s mother. The focus of the piece isn’t her dying (as it is in fact from Rantaro’s perspective) so much as it is the conflicting emotions that it stirs up for Shuichi, but it’s still, y’know, someone’s mother dying. Anyway, read with caution.

---

April:

https://archiveofourown.org/works/18468478 : “Does it matter?”, a late-night fic where Aoi is conflicted about her sexuality and calls Makoto to talk about it. I wrote a lot of one-shots in April (I actually surprised myself going through them haha) but this one is my favourite because it touches on things that I don’t see addressed a lot. Makoto and Aoi are good friends. 10/10.

Content warnings: Internalised homophobia. It hasn’t triggered anybody that I know of because it’s mostly just Makoto giving advice and Aoi coming to the conclusion that she really likes Sakura in a not-so-platonic way, but y’know.

---

May:

https://archiveofourown.org/works/18776947 : “Shuichi thinks too much”, another installment in the Amasai drabbles series, and… wow. I literally only posted Amasai in the month of May. This one is my favourite (of the ones I posted in May, obviously) because it’s the one where Shuichi realises that Rantaro is claustrophobic and then they have a messy first kiss in the wake of Rantaro’s panic attack. I like fics where Character A kisses Character B and B has to be like… slow down partner… ur panicking. I also just like milking Rantaro angst so it’s a win-win. I go back and read this one periodically :)

Content warnings: Panic attacks, claustrophobia. Shuichi is exhausted in this fic haha but at least he has his shit together enough to know exactly what he’s feeling through the whole thing.

---

June:

https://archiveofourown.org/works/19210423 : “Quiet Moments”, an introspective drabble/character study in which Peko thinks about how much she loves Ibuki. Damn, I love Pekobuki. I haven’t written nearly enough for them. I wrote a lot of things in June (including an Undertale one-shot which was a strong contender for this spot just because this list is dominated by Danganronpa stuff) but this one is my favourite because it was just me… rambling about how much I love Ibuki… and projecting onto Peko. Which I do every time I write this pairing, but I didn’t make this list to call myself out, so yeah I’m just going to move on.

Content warnings: Peko briefly mentions that Fuyuhiko had to get an appendectomy within the piece, but it’s nothing intense.

---

July:

https://archiveofourown.org/works/19974424 : “Take his soul with a kiss”, a Grim Reaper AU in which Maki is Death and Kaito is a guy with the audacity to tell her to wait a week before grabbing her soul. I’ve finally hit the part of this summer where I was eating one meal a day and spending the rest of my time on my laptop writing fic. 14k words a day, babey! I wrote all my favourite pieces in July (Shuichi’s love hotel, the one where Rantaro pierces Shuichi’s ears, the domestic Hinanami, the one where Shuichi has a breakdown and everyone comforts him, that one where Shuichi is mean to Kokichi and then apologises) but this one definitely deserves to be here because it’s my favourite. I like Momoharu/Kaimaki/Harukaito (idk what y’all call it man) so, uh. Yeah.

Content warnings: Death is talked about a lot but I don’t want to spoil anything about the ending by saying shit so I’ll just??? It’s a Grim Reaper AU, procede with caution. Oh, and Kaito has a lung disease.

---

August:

https://archiveofourown.org/works/20442290/chapters/48499868 : “Causation and Correlation”, another 5+1 things fic (I have a good chunk of them) where Kyoko can hear death and so she goes around saving people. Also, in the end of the fic, someone saves her. It’s a cute fic and I love writing Kyoko so obviously this one is my favourite. (The one where Kokichi has parents and the Kaemugi fic I wrote that month are ones I really like too… this isn’t easy for me gamers ;w;) This is one of those fics where I was feeling extremely confident about my writing abilities the whole time I wrote it, and I’m still really proud of it.

Content warnings: Again, uh, death? Attempted murder, near-drowning, sickness, head injuries, and also attempted suicide. (Nobody dies in this fic, though.) Kyoko has her work cut out for her in this one.

---

September:

https://archiveofourown.org/works/20577251 : “Cigarette smoke”, a vaguely nonsensical Saimota piece I wrote where Kaito breaks down and Shuichi comforts him. I’ve only written Saimota twice and both times it’s been Kaito angst because you guys, you just, you don’t address his sadness at all unless it’s in Oumota (and we all know how I feel about Oumota). I should start referring to September as “the month of angst fics I wrote in the middle of the night” because that’s exactly what all of it was. This one wasn’t a vent fic, but there were a lot of them. September is also the month I started doing Amami week, so there’s a lot of that, too.

Content warnings: Kaito really… berates himself in this one. His internal dialogue is hard for me to read in this one because he’s super hard on himself. He also has a meltdown and starts hyperventilating at one point (and the way I write breakdowns is always super descriptive) so please make sure you’re happy and healthy before reading.

---

October:

https://archiveofourown.org/works/21195527 : “In the forever sense of the term”, what is probably my favourite Amasai fic at this moment, where Shuichi and Rantaro are forced to address Shuichi’s abandonment issues, and also there’s crying. A lot of it. From Shuichi mainly but a little bit from Rantaro too. I was surprised at how many fics I wrote in October because I was mostly focusing on Inktober I should think? I wrote a lot of original works in Inktober (though I ended up falling off the wagon at the end due to burnout) and it was a really fun experience! I think it strengthened my skills as a writer. Anyway this one is cathartic as hell.

Content warnings: The self loathing is strong with this one. It’s one of many mental breakdown fics that I’ve written this year. And there’s obviously the abandonment issues thing. Yikes.

---

November:

https://archiveofourown.org/works/21399748 : “One hundred and twenty six tiles on the ceiling”, where Himiko ends up bailing on plans she made with everyone to hang out and instead stays at home, stewing in self deprecation, until Ryoma shows up, and then everyone else comes to take care of her. Another one of those ones where everyone is there for someone after a breakdown. I like this one because Himiko is my baby and most of the angst the fandom puts out for her is centered around Tenko and Angie, which sucks because I headcanon her as having depression. Like, depression that is entirely unrelated to the people she knows kind of depression. I didn’t write a lot in November because I had a relapse, but I like this one anyway.

Content warnings: Depressive episode, disassociating, suicidal ideation, all the ugly things that come with depression. This isn’t a pretty fic. I don’t write depression as something that’s pretty or poetic because it’s not. It fucking sucks and that’s just how things are going to be.

---

December:

https://archiveofourown.org/works/21976864/chapters/52442179 : “An Ode to Yellow Carnations”, a 5+1 things fic where Tsumugi is a florist and Kaede takes different people to her shop until eventually she goes by herself. Is anyone surprised to see this one here? I wrote it for Tumblr’s Danganronpa Secret Santa Gift Exchange 2019 and went waaaay overboard with it. Which is probably why I like it so much. It took me ten days to actually complete, and I’ll frame it like I was diligently writing the whole time, but anyone who knows me knows that I never do things in that way. In truth I switched ideas for the fic four different times and then wrote half of it all in one night when I was hit with a surge of inspiration. I was really nervous that the person I wrote it for would hate it since it’s so long, lol. (Hi Alerane, I love you.) Anyway, I’m gonna think of December of this year as the month where I spent a really long time on a bunch of fics and then posted them all at once.

Content warnings: Very minor character death, mentions of alcohol use (nothing egregious, just recreational use on an outing with friends and all the characters are of age), also Kaede doesn’t go outside in this fic.

---

I’m going to try and get out one more fic before the year ends. To be honest I wasn’t expecting to have updated Search by now so I’ve been kind of sitting around wondering what I should write. Maybe I should just start on the Aki chapter, but I’m kind of putting that off because writing those chapters takes a lot of energy and Aki’s is probably going to double Tsubaki’s in length. (Which is great, since Tsubaki’s was already a monster of a chapter on its own.) I’ve had a really great year for writing, y’all. I’ve made lots of friends and learned a whole lot about myself, and my writing style, and the characters I’m trying to portray.

I didn’t include any long-term multi-chapters in this list, like The Best Lies or my Fanganronpa (rip… I swear I’ll pick it back up again soon, I love those characters) but if you want to track my progress as a writer without reading eleven different fics, I’d really recommend reading one of those, because you can see it happening as the chapters go on. There’s so much that I’d probably write differently from where I am now as a writer, because that’s just how things work. Life is like that. You do things a certain way in the moment, and then later, you wish you could’ve done them differently. It’s impossible to live your life without regrets, or things that you’d like to do over again.

But for what it’s worth, I’m really happy that I don’t have to. Thank you guys so much for sticking with me this year. It hasn’t been the best, but it’s been all that it’s been capable of being.

Here’s to a new decade.

[taylornock]

how cell phones made our lives better while simultaneously ruining them

hi fam!! it’s me, again. are you tired of hearing from me? me too. that’s why I’m here to rant about social media / phone / technology. bc i hate it… but in a loving way???

everyone remembers when they got their first iPhone. seriously. why is that such a monumental moment in our lives? i can hardly remember what i felt like freshman year of high school but can pinpoint the feeling of sheer glee unwrapping my iPhone 6 in eighth grade. i have this thing that is attached to me 24/7 - when I go anywhere (even downstairs) without my phone i feel weird. that is f***ing SAD! PATHETIC. i hate feeling that dependent on what is essentially a pocket robot.

for what it’s worth - phones have done INCREDIBLE things for the world as we know it. for example, this quarantine shit has been testing all of us; and our phones are helping us get through it in so many ways. our phones let us see the faces of those loved ones we are missing, our phones provide us with stupid tik tok content to keep everything light hearted, and our phones let us check in on each other. all amazing things! when we are at school, we have instant access to our lives at home . being able to call my mom whenever i want is something i definitely abuse. “mom, I’m on my way home from Thompson right now and i think i have a brain aneurysm but my bio final is at 11am tomorrow will i make it” … an actual conversation i had with my mom at the end of freshman year. needless to say i was medicated shortly after THAT meltdown. I am such a brat that i don’t know what i would do if i couldn’t text my dad and have him immediately get me the password again to our Uverse account…… god forbid i miss an episode of the bachelor. i have this phone, and that’s what i do with it? abuse its powers to ask my parents for medical advice or a password i forgot? have we lost sight of everything here?

throughout life and especially throughout quarantine… my phone is the definition of a possession that is a blessing and a curse. I’m so grateful to have the ability to bother my friends - whenever i want! the options are endless! i love keeping in touch with people i thought id never hear from again, and being able to talk to so many people in my life and make my heart swell. now, when a conversation with someone other than my two roommates (shoutout parents) is so rare ⎯ that phone is my weapon and i use it to help flatten the curve: flatten the curve of covid19 and flatten the curve of my mental illness 🙃 [humor is a coping mechanism okay let me live] but like, i KNOW i’m not the only one that looks at my screen time and immediately wants to die. how can i honestly be looking at my phone for that long? picking it up THAT many times?????? my phone is the best distraction and also the most toxic - it makes me feel better but has a tendency to bring up all my issues and blast them into the reflection of my blue light glasses...... its called fashion look it up.

to give some examples - let’s open up my most used app: snapchat. I go on snapchat with the best of intentions - to see a memory from a year ago that makes me smile. to respond to my friends and see what their mood today is based on the look on their face. to creep on snap stories and see what everyone’s cooking and doing with their lives. somehow, tho, after spending a few minutes on the app.. i end up with a pit in my stomach most of the time. the person i want to respond hasn’t responded in 4 hours. oh god lets overthink this- they don’t like me anymore and are no longer interested in speaking to me and only respond every once in a while out of pity or because they are uncomfortable. everyone hates you. oh and GOD FORBID someone leaves me on open??! I am not funny nor interesting nor worth a reply - suddenly, i have equated my value to receiving or not receiving a photo of someone’s blank stare. this is extreme, and this is dramatic. but trust me —— this is the hamster wheel always turning in my head. I’m not even going to touch on snap maps; that feature is pandoras box and someone better fucking shut it.

second most used app is instagram. i scroll for hours, i have time limits set for the app acting like i’m actually going to listen to them and get off. lmaooooooooo. i love looking at aesthetic stuff and dogs and food and recipes and my friends’ beautiful faces. but you know what i don’t like? constant nudges to compare myself to others. oh look at her having a party with all of her friends even though we aren’t supposed to be. am i a loser for trying to be safe? oh look at her washboard abs, i’m never going to look like that and will never live up to the standard of beauty society has set for me. look at all of these people in their happy relationships. why can’t i have that? it goes over and over and over. its not like i sit there and think of these things just like that, its a precedent in my mind when i stare at everybody else that i am going to size my own life up against theirs. for years i followed every single elite model / VS angel on instagram to motivate me to do better - to start being psycho about what i did to my body so i could be as gorgeous as them. what kind of fucked up mindset is that? i would literally watch their footage of them eating rice and vegetables once a day and try to copy it. i would watch their runway walks obsessively trying to recreate them in heels alone in my house - like that was all i could imagine doing with my life. did i ever stop for a second to look at that photoshoot of gigi hadid and wonder if she was happy? wonder if the constant pictures she saw of herself ever made her insecure? what was i doing? the day i unfollowed those girls was a monumental day in my journey to a better self image. i didn’t realize the people i thought were my “motivators” were actually my triggers. i have grown to a point in life now that i would much rather eat a stack of chocolate chip pancakes that make me dance in my chair like an infant than practice my runway walk and shame my body in the mirror. and i am so freakin happy! 

i could go app by app for hours. but moving on to the next thing i hate about cell phones - how they have destroyed our biological methods of communication. you hear about those psychos who think the world is destroyed by technology and we are going to be overrun by robots. but hey, I’m with the psychos on this one. i have this amazing friend, Trevor Wright, who without fail at EVERY dinner announces “phones off friends on” and collects our phones into the center of the table. yes, we are 20 year old adults. yes, we hand our phones over to Trevor and let him yell at us for trying to see if ~that person~ snap chatted us back. i have so much respect for him because of this. there is nothing worse than staring at your phones when you could be having a good conversation about life, about love, about laughter + memories, about “do you think hellen keller is real?” anything, bro, anything. anything but snapchat messaging your hoe of the week or mindlessly playing tetris to twiddle your thumbs. we all need to start loving a little harder, and the first step to doing that is to communicate better. communicate smarter. I’m guilty of alllll of the above, don’t get me wrong. and I am ADD asf and constantly playing mindless games just to stimulate my brain. but i need to stop that! even writing this is taking some time away from the dumb shit on my phone - and encouraging me to communicate how i     r e a l l y   feel to my homies that will read this. communication - especially body language - is fascinating. I’ve studied it in  psych, I’ve learned the neurological bases of behavior and why we do what we do. I’ve learned how much our life experience impacts who we are as a whole...and it! is! fascinating! i also think that’s why i love film so much. because it can capture the raw moments of your friends just being your friends, of you just being the person you are, and the world around you just existing as it exists. i love the raw moments; and not just because indy blue posted one youtube video of her slow mo laughing and now thats the only footage i find myself shooting. 😚

im not quite sure what this post is, lol. but - just a rant on technology. so listen to me:

take advantage of technology + social media! it CAN BE GREAT. for so many reasons. but, don’t let technology + social media TAKE ADVANTAGE OF YOU. stay true to you - know how to communicate with yourself and your loved ones without the use of a robot. remember that feeling when you setup up your first iPhone? imagine if you could feel that again, with your phone nowhere in sight. if you don’t know how to communicate with yourself yet, start by journaling. WRITE! TYPE! SPEAK! do what you want. getting your thoughts down even without an audience is so crucial to understanding yourself and others. if you don’t like to write, reflect. breathe. meditate. make art. do what makes you feel at peace, and do whatever makes you feel like the world makes a little bit more sense than it does. 

IF YOU ARE READING DOWN TO HERE, I LOVE YOU. I LOVE YOU, SAY IT BACK! LIFE IS A FUCKING HIGHWAY. AND IM SO GLAD YOU’RE ON MY INTERSTATE. <3

xoxoxoxo

gossip girl

[and-i-uh]

6? 22? Any other number you wanted to answer?

6- i dont have any stim toys, ive never really delved into that stuff, i was never really given the chance to explore stuff that would help me out with stimming and such. I also dont think i would like stim toys? Maybe i just have to try some but idk.

22- idk any specific songs i stim to. But ive stimmed while listening to mcr, and honestly i just stim to alot of the general songs i listen to. I really like singing along, i think thats a stim of mine, and some songs just listening to them is like stimming (anything with drums and/or guitars)

2- i like blankets a lot. Even if im hot and dont really need one, ill subconsciously grab the blanket on the couch and put it on my lap, and on my bed. There was one day i grabbed a pocket-sized beanie baby and put itin my hoodie pocket, and just knowing it was there made me happy. Also when i was with my friends one of them stuck their hands in my pocket and i panicked and like moved it out of their reach bc i was scared to get made fun of lol, it ended up being fine. I sleep with stuffed animals a lot. I think thats it

3- my school experiences were,,, not fun at all. Theres a lot to unpack there. My schools all had this thing called a “504 plan” or whatever. And it’s supposed to help people with certain disorders/disabilities. Mine only acknowledged my adhd as far as i know. Maybe my anxiety too. Some of the things that were supposed to ‘help’ were moving me to the front of the room, i got extended time to complete stuff (supposedly), extended time on certain tests (which i only saw on the act, literally i got no other extended time to do anything else. And after i got extended time on the act my scores shot up. Imagine the potential if i was given my actual extended time shit) and the meetings were hell. They started to have meetings with me in middle school, sixth grade i think. Having an administrator there, and my parents, and at least one teacher was terrifying to me. I think i cried every meeting. Honestly it felt like an interrogation to me, esp with all the damn eye contact and shit. My dad asked me if i wanted to continue it this year and i was immediately like fuck no nuh uh not happening. And whether or not I actually needed to be in the front of the room depended on the class, teacher, the people in there, but a lot of the time i would just be moved to the front and i would hate it. In eighth grade my math teacher moved me from the back of the room (a favorite seat in that class) to the front of the room in the middle of class for like a week. It was honestly humiliating and the only time i was eventually able to express my opinion on the 504 shit. Actually my freshman math teacher did that too. Ahaha moving on now before this gets too long.

4/5- three negative and positive things about being autistic.

Pros-

(1) i dont really have a chance to not have a hobby. Ive always got an interest to keep me entertained and i like that.

(2) stimming is nice, i like it, im not afraid to let myself stim. Makes me feel better.

(3) im unique and shit. I have a different pov than other people and that allows me to have different ways of thinking. I think outside the box ig. I also have this weird version of confidence and objectivity that I appreciate in myself

Cons-

(1) its hard to feel like i belong somewhere, bc im so different. Im getting better at it but im not good at getting close to people.

(2) i also like,, dont have certain permanence? Like object permanence? A lot of the time i dont really miss things/people unless im somewhere that reminds me of them. Idk if it’s negative really but its something,, even a spin, like bts, i dont really miss them that much until i do. Theyre still very important to me but yeah

(3) people dont really get me the same way other people get other people. And its hard for me to explain it to people. And theres certain people i get more than others. Its weird.

7- people need to give autistics a chance to be heard. Apply the accommodations you “give” them. Dont put them in the spotlight and give them space when needed. We are what you might call “picky” too. Eating, learning, socializing, we have our own things we need to be able to do shit. Learn them. Let us stim. Encourage us to learn about ourselves and remind us that youre there for us. But dont try to help us unless we ask or we actually need help. Dont trigger meltdowns on purpose, stop using the r word even in passing like its not a big deal. Be more than aware of us, accept us, appreciate us. Dont be a bystander.

8- i dont have much experience with meltdowns? I think? If i have i didnt have chances to recover. I had to go back to class or something. Idk how to recognize them in me either.

10- showering. Thats a big thing that even though i kinda need i forget to do. Except during school. I had a whole routine in the morning and i was super punctual. If i didnt shower i would be late, miss the bus, forget something.

12- meat. The way it feels. Disgusting. How do people eat it and not feel like dying? Same with lettuce. Spinach is fine but every time i try to eat lettuce I almost throw up. Bell peppers, pickles, vinegar, mayo, eggs usually, cheese sometimes. Just off the top of my head. One time i tried putting lettuce on my burger, was feeling adventurous, and after biting down i had to just take the lettuce off. Another time, my stepmom (newly married to my dad) made slads for us, and i was skeptical. There was white stuff all over the salad and she wouldnt tell me what it was. I tried eating a little carrot stick thing and almost vomited. Thats when she learned I cannot eat mayo. Even if idk that its mayo i still cant fuckin eat it. She forced me to eat bell peppers one time. Didnt go well at all. At all.

(Not gonna do the spin one bc ive already talked about them and if i do again itll be too long)

15- yes! I only do big stuff(?)(like yelling n shit) when im completely alone. Like if im home alone. Bc i get so loud. Sometimes ill hum in my room or sing to myself in my room though. Its so fun. As for phrases i repeat, ill repeat anything i find interesting. In a movie or song, or even something a friend said. One time my mom said the phrase “tough titty said the kitty but the milks still good” and i went around the kitchen repeating it until she got annoyed. Also sometimes something in the room will have a constant sound and ill like think a phrase to that sound repeatedly. Idk how to explain it lol. Idk if thats echolalia either

16- rocks. Typical i know, collecting rocks. But i just cant help it. I see a rock i like, i pick it up, take it home. I used to collect sticks. And when i was in elementary school, i used to pick shit up off the playground. Beer bottle caps was a favorite. Apparently the school called my mom about it bc they found my stash and thought it was from home and my parents were drinking excessively. 😬 oops

18- introverted?

19- kinda depends. Idk. I really cant tell wow. I would probably say hypersensitive. Just cause i have a ton of sensory issues and a lot of stuff bothers me. Like types of clothes. And how things are resting on my body. Yeah i guess i am hypersensitive.

20- i used to struggle with self love a lot. And sometimes i still kinda do. But in the past few years ive really started appreciating myself and trying to learn a lot about myself. Its going well id say.

21- empathy. Hmm. I think im very empathetic, actually. I can always tell when someone is feeling uncomfortable in a situation. And when i should tell people to back off of them if they wont say it themselves. And im very uncomfortable when theres secondhand embarrassment. And bullying, in something im watching or reading. Yknow, I actually cant watch mean girls. I just. I tried, i had to walk away bc I couldn’t take it. It also kinda triggers me so theres that. Bc of the bullying. But yeah im very empathetic. Otherwise socially im not good at that.

23- nope. Ive got like no support system other than tumblr and online friends. Apparently my dad refused to acknowledge im autistic and hes my favorite parent. Thats his big flaw though. And if i “came out” to him and said it myself he would probably come around. I know hes not completely nt either. My Opa has ocd, so nuerodiversity runs in the family ig.

While making this i got distracted and went on insta for like an hour oops lol

24- steampunk cosplay? Or college dorm tips? The steampunk one was freshman year, and the college dorm one was fifth grade. It lasted well into sixth grade and seventh grade.